#i still blame Void for that lmfao

[spinning-feeling]

[yearnoyama]

Happy birthday ritsuka uenoyama the entirety of given DOSENT DESERVE U AT ALL

[azzibuckets]

loopy in love part 2 [pazzi]

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

a/n: sorry for the long wait! i wasn’t gonna write a second part but @makethemhoesmad forced me to.. and let’s pretend that azzi miraculously healed before the end lmfao

word count: 1.4k

part 1 | masterlist

Azzi needed to forget.

She needed to forget how warm Paige’s hands were when they’d traced her hair. She needed to forget the feel of Paige’s lips against her cheek, grazing across her skin and coming so close yet so far from where she needed it the most. She needed to forget the way Paige held her through the night, the two of them pressed so close together she didn’t know where she ended or began.

And she really needed to forget how uninhibited she’d been with the nitrous oxide running through her veins, revealing the secret she’d spent years perfecting to keep away, locked in the corners of her mind. Paige had been gone when Azzi had woken up this morning, with no text or note. Azzi been relieved at first, not knowing what to say or do so soon after the fact. But she also couldn’t ignore the anxiety swirling in her stomach, worried that she’d ruin everything they’d built over the past few years.

So that’s how she found herself with a bottle of tequila in her hand, sprawled out on the couch at 1 PM. Her apartment was utterly dark, the curtains drawn to block out the sunlight. She knew this wasn’t a healthy way to cope, but frankly, she didn’t care. She wanted, needed to numb the ache in her heart at Paige’s absence, at how she’s embarrased herself last night and probably destroyed their friendship ever.

But the doorbell rang, and when the door revealed Paige, Azzi was stuck, unsure of what to say or do. Paige’s face was void of emotion, her expression tightly controlled in the same way it was when she talked to reporters, the press, strangers, anyone that wasn’t someone she was close to. Azzi’s heart thudded.

Paige stepped in, not waiting for an invitation. She set a drink on the counter, the cup wet with condensation. “I brought you a smoothie.”

Azzi’s hands gingerly rubbed her jaw that was still swollen. “Thanks.”

Paige nodded in acknowledgment. She didn’t say anything, but her foot nervously toeing the ground told Azzi everything she needed to know.

“This is awkward,” Azzi blurted out.

Paige winced. “Yeah, it is,” she admitted. She went to go sit on the couch, but she paused when she saw the bottle of alcohol sitting on the coffee table. She picked it up, staring at it in disbelief as Azzi looked away in embarrasment. “Is this yours?”

“No, that’s…” Azzi’s mind furiously searched for someone to blame it on. “Caroline’s. She left it here the other day.”

Paige’s eyes hardened. “I can see droplets on the table.”

Azzi swallowed.

“Are you kidding me, Azzi?” Paige threw the bottle on the couch and approached her with blazing eyes, her jaw tense. “Did you happen to forget that you had surgery yesterday?”

Azzi sighed, having had enough of the conversation. She went to the kitchen, rummaging around the cabinets for something soft to eat. “It was just my wisdom teeth,” she muttered. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Alcohol thins your blood, Azzi, you know that.”

“I really don’t need you to babysit me right now.”

“Then stop acting like a kid.” Paige marched past Azzi to the sink, bottle in hand. Before Azzi could stop her, she unscrewed the cap and poured the entire bottle of tequila down the drain.

“Paige, what the fuck?” When Paige only smirked at her, Azzi felt herself grow hot with anger at her audacity. “That cost fucking money.”

“Please,” Paige scoffed. “This shit is cheap as hell. And we both know money isn’t an issue with you.”

Azzi was done with this conversation. She was done with the way that Paige was able to get under her skin so easily and make her feel things that no one should feel for their best friend. Knowing she was only proving Paige right but still not caring enough, she headed to her room and slammed the door, feeling like she was 13 years old again.

But, of course, Paige followed her, opening the door and slipping inside. “Wanna tell me why you’re trying to get drunk at 1 in the afternoon?”

“Wanna tell me why you’re not at lift?”

“I’m not at lift because I wanted to make sure you were healing okay.” Paige’s voice rose an octave, but she forced herself to calm down once she saw the change in Azzi’s body language, how she was shifting away. “What happened, Az?” Her voice was soft now, and she took a seat next to the younger girl, letting their elbows knock together.

Azzi stared straight ahead, focusing on the loose thread in the carpet instead of daring to glance over at Paige. She could feel the alcohol buzzing loosely through her body, not enough to be intoxicated but enough to give her that little bit of boldness she wouldn’t have otherwise. “You don’t think I notice that you don’t tell me anything anymore?” The words cut like a knife in Paige’s chest, and she bit down hard on the inside of her cheek, trying to let Azzi continue before saying anything. Azzi brought her knees up, folding her arms around them, making herself as small as possible like she was trying to protect herself. “Lately we’ve been fighting all the time. I-,” she paused, inhaling deeply, “I wasn’t even gonna ask you to take me to the dentist. I was scared you’d say no.”

Azzi closed her eyes briefly. “You know how devastating it is? To realize that I’m in love with my best friend, that I have been for the last four years. But then you started to pull away, and now it feels like I’m losing you, and I don’t know what to do.” She finally worked up the courage to look at Paige, but as soon as she did, she regretted it almost instantly. Paige’s eyes were rimmed red, wet with tears, her bottom lip trembling.

“It was two months ago.” Paige recalled the moment she’d started distancing herself from Azzi. “The guy at the bar - he was flirting with you. Remember how I was in a terrible mood that night?”

Azzi chuckled. It had become an inside joke with the team, how Paige had been the one who came up with the idea to go to Ted’s to celebrate that win, but had ended up sulking in the corner of the room the entire night because she “didn’t feel well.” “I remember.”

“You were flirting with that girl from Virginia Tech.” Paige was the one to look away now. “I remember feeling so irrationally angry. And I couldn’t even be mad, because you looked gorgeous that night. With your black top that I love.” Paige laughed dryly, but there was no humor in her voice. “And I remember thinking, damn, if I were that girl and seen you on the court playing like that, I would’ve flirted with you too. And I think that’s when I realized. That to me, you were more than just my best friend.”

Paige’s words hung in the air between the two of them, the tension almost tangible. Azzi burrowed her chin into her knees. “We fought that night,” she said, her voice a whisper.

“We did.” Paige anxiously rubbed her elbow. “And we got over it, but…”

“We never really did,” Azzi finished.

Both girls were silent.

Paige turned to face Azzi, giving a small smile. “But yesterday, huh?” She waggled her eyebrows obnoxiously. Azzi went to push Paige, but Paige grabbed her wrists instead, pulling her into her body until they were only a couple inches apart. Azzi had never been this close to the blonde before unless you counted her dreams, and it was dizzying, the smell of Paige’s perfume combined with the warming heat of her body.

When Paige’s fingers trailed up her palms, lightly tracing each groove before grazing the skin on her arm, Azzi sucked in a breath. Paige had touched her before. They cuddled almost every night for fuck’s sake. But it was different now, with electricity charging the air between them.

“Do you want this?” As soon as the word yes left Azzi’s mouth, she was pulled onto Paige’s lap, her legs straddling the blonde’s hips. Before she knew it, Paige’s mouth was on hers, soft and gentle, and Azzi realized then that she was fucked. In a split second, she knew that there was no way she’d be able to live without getting to taste Paige’s lips over and over again for the rest of her life, without the feeling of Paige’s teeth nibbling at her bottom lip and Paige sighing into her mouth. It was electrifying and it was thrilling and it was perfect, the way Paige’s lips molded against hers.

Paige suddenly pulled away, wiping at her mouth with a grimace. “I think I taste blood.”

Azzi ran her tongue over her bottom lip. “Way to ruin the mood.”

Paige laughed, then pulled Azzi down so that they were lying on the bed, facing each other. “I’m sorry for pulling away. I was just trying to protect myself from falling too hard for you.” Paige’s thumb went to stroke Azzi’s cheek. “But I don’t think it worked anyways.”

Azzi’s breath caught, and she had to bite her lip to prevent herself from smiling too hard. “I don’t blame you. I’m pretty easy to fall in love with.” She expected a quip back, but Paige only stared at her with intensity.

“We’re still best friends, right?” Paige’s voice was small and unsure.

“I’ll die before we stop being best friends,” Azzi assured, pressing her forehead against Paige’s.

[mykneeshurt]

Validation

Drabble I found in my notes from a few weeks ago. He’s my comfort character sorryyyyy.

I have raging daddy issues so of course this was gonna come out of my mind. May or may not be based on me LMFAO

Heavy silent tears streamed down your face. Flicking your watch it illuminated the time, 03:00. Your chest hurt from the weight of the sadness within it, a deep deep ache within. Re-burying your head in your hands you let out a sigh. Your thoughts once again consuming you, your self-critical, self-hatred, self-blaming thoughts.

‘Alright love?’ A familiar voice broke the deafening silence. Slowly removing your hands from your face you peered up at your Lieutenant through your blood shot eyes. Offering him a small smile you shook your head. You’d been with Task Force 141 for around 10 months now. Transferred in due to your excellent combat skills and ability to get in and get out of situations unnoticed, earning the nickname Lynx.

Your Lieutenant, Ghost, warmed up quicker to you than he’d wanted. Soap, Gaz and Price all blown away at how fast your relationship grew. It started with small banter, you challenged him every step of the way refusing to let him intimidate you. That progressed into small touches, lingering glances and private jokes. Naturally it blossomed further, you began to open up to him. You didn’t expect anything in return but the weight of the mask you wore day in day out was taking its toll.

You and Ghost were more a like than he cared to believe. You both wore masks, he wore his literally, your’s figuratively. You both struggled to carry and express your emotions. You both experienced trauma, and while you shouldn’t compare trauma, his was worse than yours. At least you still had your parents, they just fucked you up emotionally rather than physically. What was it? BPD trait a psychiatrist once said to you.

‘Bad night love?’ He asked quietly. You nodded breaking eye contact, your eyes dropping back to the table. Stray tears dropped onto the table. ‘Wanna talk?’

‘Same old shit Lt. don’t wanna bore you.’ Your voice was quiet and full of sadness. ‘You’d never bore me. But if you don’t wanna talk we can just sit if you want.’ Nodding you offered a smile of thanks. He felt safe to be around, he offered some sort of calm to your chaos.

Of course this was ‘Simon’ you were talking to, not Ghost. Ghost was cold, calculated, a killer. How he could switch between the two almost seamlessly was terrifying. You’d offered multiple times to be a listening ear for him, he slowly drip fed you bits about his life whilst on missions. Gaining a greater understanding of what made him who he was. Raging emotional issues, complex PTSD and a very unstable mood, which could be borderline abusive sometimes. But little did you know how much you helped him, a small feeling of stability in a never ending sea of torment. Soap put it best ‘fixing each others problems.’ Though you often joked that no amount of therapy would help Ghost.

Your tears eventually dried but the void in your chest grew ever bigger. Ghost was older than you by a fair few years, he gave you praise, something you were unable to do yourself. He gave you reassurance and helped sooth your self-critical voice in your head. You’d developed a crush on him almost instantly. He gave you the emotional validation you craved. The … attention you craved.

Twiddling your thumbs you stood and brushed your hair out of your face. ‘Feel better?’ He asked cocking his head to the side. ‘I think so, thanks’ you said quietly. Walking around the side of the table you placed you hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at you, your eyes flitting to his lips and back to his eyes.

You knew what you were doing, he knew all to well what you were doing. You wanted to fill the void with him. To feel wanted. To feel validated. He stood and placed a hand on your face, cupping your jaw. ‘Stop it. You can do better than me love. I can’t give you what you deserve.’ Placing your hand on his you gazed up at him ‘no, but maybe it’s what I want.’

[ev1llesb1an]

Documentation of my comphet throughout the years 🧍‍♀️

Okay so I thought it’d be funny to talk abt my most intense male fixation eras as a lesbian (idk i��m just shitposting into the void again) judge me all u want (it is probably needed) but i need ppl to understand the real me 🙏

IT CROPPED HALF HIS FACE OUT but i just realised if you aren’t british ur gonna have no idea who he is anyone (he’s lachlan white from emmerdale) omg this was an ERA everyone around me thought i was going insane (i was) but like they just didn’t get it he slayed so hard at a level that will never be reached (literally) also tom atkinson on sex education was like a full circle moment for me omg but anyways i was like 11-12 here these were literally my formative years this changed me FOREVER don’t judge he slayed omg

THIS okay so u can’t even blame me for this one it’s just correct. yes he’s like walking masculinity stereotype BUT he also had depth and was interesting 😌 the fanfics were SO GOOD this is when i really got into fanfiction and accidentally read smut where someone get pregnant in the hunger games 🧍‍♀️i read this one fic that was like x reader AND THEY STRAIGHT UP BOTH DIED but anyways. i read fanfics abt literally everyone thg character (read abt women and convinced myself i was still straight lmfao) but he was the stand out for me. i recently revisited this era and the fics ppl write on ao3 r INSANE omg like what is wrong with u ppl ( i say this lovingly but also wtf )

OMGOMGOMG BEST ERA OF MY LIFE u actually don’t understand u just had to be there. a solid percentage of my brain even to this day is made up of this man. this is like the stupidest thing ever but when i was like 14 i would just mirror his personality (and tone down the arsehole part obvs) so that i could get more talkative AND IT ACTUALLY WORKED nobody in the whole world will ever understand how much he means to me (i don’t rly understand it myself tbh) and ik ppl literally fuckinf despise him but i will not tolerate the dandy mott slander bc he is literally part of my core identity atp i revisit him every few months just to fully reconnect with my inner being. did anyone read Companion? that shit was crazy also i wrote a fic abt him on wattpad and people actually READ IT so anyways best era of my life it truly never got better i rly hit me peak (i had 0 friends) the few friends i had literally told me i talked abt him too much and it made them like me less 💀

this was arguably my most chill era like yea i was pretty obsessive but with marvel it’s so normalised to be so intense abt everything i kinda just fit right in. there’s too much professor fanfiction r u ppl okay 🧍‍♀️ also more actor fanfiction than i have ever seen for any other man in my LIFE but the capitalism went hard during this era the fluff was so good. arguably my most comforting era? idk i can’t rly explain that one

okay so these two r kinda completely different but also (for obvious reasons) the exact same. gotham was my most openly gay era and for that i will forever be grateful HOWEVER the kristen kringle haters were doing WAY TOO MUCH like she’s already dead why u doing her like that constantly (u will see this sentiment echoed later abt someone else hmmm i wonder who) but yea and then YES i was a paul dano lesbian (literally wasn’t out as lesbian at this point lmao) honestly this is probably the era my friends hated the most they would either awkwardly pretend to agree/care abt the shit i was saying or straight up tell me i was delusional 💀 my friends even now still call it my worst era but i LOVED IT kinda solidified my position at the bottom of the hellish secondary school hierarchy but i still had a good time. the paul dani riddler fanfics r next level tho the way ppl would just post STALKER fics constantly with like zero warnings and it was never labelled as yandere 🧍‍♀️i also got in an argument with a writer on wattpad bc they made the riddler and the oc have like a 6 year age gap and they met when she was 10 and he was like 16 💀 other than that good vibes all round

tbh this era was pretty brief i can’t fully explain what happened here like the vibes were immaculate but also insane WHY IS THERE SM YANDERE FANFIC peter parker is so nice but then in fanfics it’s like 👹 but i rly like spider-man HOWEVER this then led me to my final destination on the comphet journey…

omg were finally at the final stop the peak of comphet ( i came out as lesbian within this era ) arguably not my finest hour bc i swore i would never watch criminal minds bc the number of seasons is WAY TOO MUCH but here we are i watched it bc i read too much fanfic abt this man. i have lots of criticism for the fandom but he in himself is acc a rly good character. this was supposed to be like my ethical era but he’s acc killed like a bunch of ppl and thomas gibson is MESSY (don’t cancel me pls i say that lovingly 🫶) the haley hotchner misogyny nearly killed me off i don’t think i’ve ever been so miserable in a fandom and the fanfics kinda take feminism back a few hundred years but pretty good besides that

anyways there is my brainrot i hope the two (at most) ppl who will read this enjoyed 🫶 LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO im gonna say i posted this in honour of international lesbian day even tho that was several days ago

[otomebanshou]

Opinionated piece on Tengoku Struggle -Strayside-

Below is a very opinionated piece based on my feelings after completing Tengoku Struggle Strayside. Please do not take any of my comments to heart, I just like to ramble and get things off my chest to throw into the void of the internet. Enjoy.

SPOILERS DISCUSSED!!!

Let’s start off with strong feelings. I didn’t like the game. 4/10, I may give it a 5 just for Sharaku being the saving grace of the game to be generous. I was always with the crowd that was down for some longer routes for love interests. This game put that to test for me with 12 chapters (13 for Goemon) for the boys and god damn did it wear me out.

So let’s move on to that. The game is way too fucking long for its own good. Not in a good way is it long, it’s way too damn fluffed up with pointless shit and beating around the bush. I could barely spend quality time that mattered with literally all the guys because the route wanted to push it’s very subpar plotline. 

The plot is atrocious. Not as bad as Charade Maniacs but honestly it was just as insulting. “We need to get the bad guys who escaped hell! …but we can’t fight them.” is honestly a really stupid plot. They had me going for a second, hopeful, that based on how things went down in Sharaku’s route (my first route) that it was all just leading up to a pokemon battle with the route’s villain and Rin was the pokemon trainer. Me, playing it at the time, when I got to the fights with Asaemon, I thought “oh ok! Maybe this is how the game is going to go, that’s cool I guess!” Boy was I fucking wrong. The game doesn’t know where it fucking wants to go other than beat around the bush for 90% of the chapters. 

The routes honestly would’ve been better off at 7 each, 8 for Goemon I guess. Like I said, a lot of the routes spend a majority of the time beating around the bush especially when it comes to feelings and where the fuck the plot is trying to go. Or maybe you’re Kiku and you are bitching and moaning about your sister who hates your guts for 11 chapters. No seriously his route can literally be summarized by: Kiku: Azami! Stop helping the bad guys! 🙁 Azami: ew no I hate you! Kiku: 🙁

Meanwhile, Yona and Sharaku had some of the better routes, developments, and just overall better everything. It doesn’t save the game for me however. It still left me feeling “wtf is the plot actually trying to be” for the entire time. But to give some praise, Yona is a very interesting character and his love for novels, including smutty ones, was a very nice touch that leaves me feeling very fond of him! Sharaku was just wonderful and I really enjoyed how deeply sweet his gestures for Rin were.

JacK, I love you but your route (and your personality) is a bit all over the place. I somehow felt like ranking him as my number 2 because, honestly I don’t know, I just liked him? He definitely had me on a rollercoaster of what the fuck is going on because he’s just so hot and cold and I still don’t really have a grip on who JacK REALLY is. But, like everything else, I’m blaming the writers here.

Finally, Goemon. Disa-fucking-pointing. LOL. He’s not as bad as Kiku, but lmfao, the common route hinted at the fated lovers trope, like a very typical otomate game. Fine ok, I ADORED Akaza so I had some hope. Some faith. DASHED!!!! Goemon is somewhat cute at the very least, questionably obsessed with himself that he kinda sweeps under the rug and never really talks about again, and he’s well liked. But that last part made him kinda boring to be honest. My main issue with him is the route sucked!! Rin and Goemon LITERALLLLLLYY beat around the bush about this whole “I loved you in the previous life” for ELEVEN CHAPTERS. It’s not even like rewarding. Goemon KNOWS and Rin doesn’t. I thought in like chapter 4 or 5 this shit would get cleared up and they’d build into something really amazing. Nah bro Goemon is just like “yeah uwu i really loved this dango shop, the girl there was beautiful uwu” and Rin spends nearly EVERY chapter going “god i wish i was the dango shop, the dango girl, hell the dango he ate ;_;” and Goemon kinda just.. Lets it happen which I found absolutely annoying LOL. I think the only real positive I have for this is Sharaku was funny, no shocker he’s funny in every route, and Goemon’s VA is really good, because otherwise I was really bored. My face when it said: chapter 13 PLEASE JUST END IT PLEASEE I DON’T WANNA KEEP PLAYING THIS SHIT

ALSO THE WRITERS PUSHED IN A RAPE SUBPLOT AND A OUT OF NOWHERE “BETRAYAL(????)” AND IT WAS SO BAD LMFAO like holy moly I felt nothing for that part other than “yup there it is, that's the shit they love to do for no fucking reason WHAT SO EVERRRR”

Ok, we are nearing the end I promise.

Side characters? They ranged from pretty cool to what the fuck is the point of you. 

The coolest? Asaemon, and the couple that I forget the name of. I also kinda like Shin.

Azami is pretty mid tbh. She’s just a bratty girl. Nothing really new.

Shinobikuni is the most disappointing villain? Like she literally… did nothing. Lmao @ the ending where she just kinda lets Goemon win without a fight like “lol you got me i guess!”

Lol Mukkun wtf, the whole betrayal was so short lived it lasted like 2 minutes before it just… moved on… and changed the villain… LOL…………………

And then the white haired dude I forgot the name of. He was actually ok until… yeah lmfao wtf. I honestly couldn’t really even be mad at him because it just was such a sudden and weird choice that I just… didn’t feel anything. I was more mad at the TERRIBLE decision here. And so fucking out of nowhere like why? Actually I know why, it’s only purpose was to cause shock and I’m so disappointed.

The characters who stole the show are obviously King Enma and Mr. Corporate slave. XD They were the most enjoyable and honestly very intriguing of the cast. Always bringing humor to the table and overall brightening up my glum mood from a shitload of pointless text that brought nothing to the table. King Enma was a delight, I wish his presence was more prominent in the game.

Now, Rin.

She’s honestly just ok. The eventual background information about her that you get, obviously, from Goemon’s route was ok. I was kinda with it but that was ruined by how Goemon’s route ended up. Sometimes I really liked Rin then other times I was kinda bored with her. Not that she’s bad or I think she’s a deadpan MC, just… I don’t know, I didn’t really end up loving her. She was just ok. The whole man hating thing makes sense now but I feel more bad for her in the sense I can’t believe the writers just did that to her randomly. I don’t think I’ll ever be over it.

I forgot the cat. He was ok I guess. I wasn’t crazy about him. Did chuckle a few times at the dick biting jokes tho.

Last thing, I did *most* of the memory stuff extras, but tbh after Goemon’s bullshit route, I was just so fed up with the game I skipped about the last 25% of them. I completed them by force skipping. I just couldn’t anymore with the game. It was already so long and I was so drained by the game’s refusal to just.. End things.

So yeah. 4/10, other people will probably like it. I also didn’t really think Birushana was a very interesting game, but a lot of people really like Birushana. So, to each their own. I'm happy the game was localized and am thankful for everyone who worked on the game!

That’s it! If you read this far, you get a gold star sticker from me and I’m sorry for my opinionated piece/rant. lol

[vomitpukey]

Mess of an infodump summery thing about my dsaf au (this post is made for my entertainment only)

Henry and Jack kinda just. Remained in limbo for a while in the void after the good ending of dsaf 3.

With only each other to talk to they.. yknow, talked. Formed a bond. Enemies to friends to lovers style.

Real Fredbear is something they talk about rarely, but one day (night, afternoon, whenever. Time is meaningless here.) Henry realizes there had to be something that made the bear omnipresent. A view of parallel words, perhaps?

And boy, oh boy, does Henry spiral.

Jack tries his best to get Henry to stop this more than likely pointless research and ze feelings tm happen and he explains how he's worried for him and he doesn't want him getting so obsessed w this like he did w the joy of creation he had going on and Henry is Henry and is about to make some sort of comment to distract from his actual feelings of 'I need to bury myself in my work or else I'll have to face the fact I made my lovers life so horrible' but before he can speak

Boom.

Experiments worked. Portal is here.

They're both like

They go through the portal and end up in a not really different world tbh. Henry assumes they're in the past when really they're in some fucked up timeline where important ass shit (Dave getting springlocked, Peter reconnecting w Caroline, Jack making his promise w Real Fredbear, and more) just did not happen.

They get to work trying to help Peter. That is like **the** first thing Jack insists they do the second he and Henry show up at Caroline's only for Peter to not be there.

Henry is honestly super embarrassed w this he hates having to confront mfers he killed his ass hates his actions having consequences😭

Of course Dee is there too. She can spot her own brother even with 200 pounds of orange make up on and and- she's so happy to see her brother again and he's "alive" again and😭😭😭

Dee is very much *not* happy to see Henry tho. Cannot blame her tbh

Jack is like, "No dee, he's my old man yaoi we're going to get married, and" and dee is like >:(

Henry has to attempt to summarize everything, ignores the fact he killed this poor gal, and instead explains how he and Jack even ended up here.

Then I kinda haven't gotten to fleshing out the rest but Peter is liberated from freddys so is Dee and Henry and Jack have an epic wacky wedding and everyone cool and important is invited and then they buy a house and move in together hell yeah.

Dee reluctantly takes up the room Jack would've been staying in at Peter and Caroline's house. She feels bad that even after all these years, she still needs to rely on her siblings, and Peter reassures her it's okay and stuff thumbs up emoji.

Dave moves in with Henry and Jack, he kinda just doesn't have to work ever since he's still raking in Afton Robotics money. Henry and Jack meanwhile work at a hospital as a doctor and nurse, and uh yeah. Yep. That's about it.

Anyone who isn't mentioned here either isn't important to the au, or I just haven't thought of what to do w em.

Feel free to send any asks if you somehow got this far lmfao.

[saintobio]

When you said that the angst would lean more on the yearning side, I think I get what you mean now 😭 still over here hoping for GojoYn endgame 😔

Thank you for the lovely work Saint! And please get sleep 🥺

Anonymous said

love, the pain is - I just want to cry rn while working and I just I thought I could handle it, I'm used to your level of angst after all haha but wow that hurt me so much bc sn/sy yngojo endgame :'( and it hurts seeing him w someone else as it hurts seeing yn w toji :'( I just feel like I need the whole day to recuperate lol but no seriously another great and amazingly written chapter !! thank you for it, saint!! I hope you're well <3

Anonymous said

I literally felt sick to my stomach after reading the whole gojo / hime thing. i genuinely had hope that we‘ll get gojoxyn again and they’ll be happy together but I just can’t see how it would work out anymore :’( im scared for yn

Anonymous said

nah the way it takes yn years and moving to another continent to only partially get over gojo and move on, but gojo takes a night and sleeps with her best friend??? and keeps it going??? i wouldn’t say it’s a betrayal but that still hurts 😭😭 also if gojo defends utahime when yn goes off on her (as long as what she says is valid)……gojo ur already on thin ice don’t make it even worse

Anonymous said

yall gojoyn supporters are strong. he has a sidepiece in every story. if i was yn, i would have totally blocked him off my mind the moment i learned abt him and utahime because that would be my peak. just walk away and pretend they dont exist except for when sachi's involved, but he said it himself that they should only cross paths when necessary.

Anonymous said

Saint you are so spot on with this "I love u" bullsh*t from Gojou, and then begging for her to take him back. reminds me so much of my ex lmao i used to believe it, but i learned. so when Gojou said that, I was scoffing to myself lol then he fucked Utahime so i guess i was right. men are so trash. goodluck to Utahime he's ur problem now

Anonymous said

Saint, I’d be honest after you shared that story of yours, where you always put your friends first or you, giving up a man for the sake of friendship had me thinking Utahime is going to be inspired with it 😭 I’m really disappointed, I’m rooting for her to be that kind of friend. Turns out she’s weak for dicks just kidding lmao It’s my fault for setting that expectation to her. I just hope it will be worth it at the end and she’ll not gonna end up with a broken heart and regret for jumping into a relationship with a broken man. I also can’t blame Gojo for jumping to another coochie cause let’s be honest, when we’re broken or sad we tend to decide with our emotions, the what ifs, the hope to fill the void and patch those broken pieces and a good source of distraction I guess?

Anonymous said

ermahgod everyone pls stop asking for smut btw 😃 y'all never really learn ur lesson: the more u ask saint to write something, the more pain u gonna get when she really deliver and it's totally not something you expect. if i have to read a detailed smut of gojohime making love in the future while gojo professes his love for utahime, im blaming all of you anons for asking for more smut 👺i also do not want to read another goodbye-heart-wrenching smut for gojoyn. or tojiyn's. in the words of yn: stop. stop. STOP!!!!

Anonymous said

We all know that Gojou is not in his right state of mind so he's gonna drop Utahime bc he's not ready for commitments at all lmfao 😐

Anonymous said

u know what. GOOD FOR GOJO lmaoooo im at this point where im like “they just need to be happy even if theyre not together”. maybe im just such a gojo fucker that seeing him trying to move on is so nice like i love seeing him speak normally and not crying and apologizing i swear its so refreshing LMAOAOA. maybe im also saying this bc i know his heart wasnt totally in it w/ utahime. while i dont mind them together i also dont mind if gojo and yn end up being endgame because sachi deserves that too. im at a point where really i think im fine with anything thatll happen LMFAOAOO

hey guysss!! tysm for sending all ur thoughts abt sy7. i hope you don’t mind me compiling them bc my askbox is really flooded right now and these are just some of the shorter ones sdjsfjs all the other asks i receieved are really long paragraphs

so sorry i can’t respond individually but i thought it’d be nice for other readers to see the reactions and possibly relate to the anons!! :’)

[numba99]

The Lies Between Us

A/N: I have no idea where this came form I just started writing and this came out LMFAO honestly I don’t know how much I love this but uhh there’s not enough Quinn content for me and I needed to fill that void so I hope y’all enjoy either way. Word count: 2.7k

Warnings: smut

You shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t be jealous.You weren’t his girlfriend, you weren’t his anything, not really. Yet see his hands on her waist stung in a way you never anticipated it would. His hands used to hold you like that, she was in your spot. It was like a white hot knife to the heart, searing, unrelenting.

You were gripping your drink so hard you wondered if the glass might shatter in your hand. It would hurt less, you thought, than watching this. Watching him kiss the side of her neck, the spot he knew you loved so much. It shocked you how much hatred you could harbor for this nameless woman. It wasn’t her fault, how could she know? How could she know she was standing in your spot, with the man you’d fallen for? It wasn’t rational to hate her, but the alcohol flowing through your veins was making it difficult to see anything other than red. It wasn’t just her, though, you hated him too. Or you wanted to.

“Uh, is everything okay y/n?” your best friend Brock questioned. You quickly looked away from Quinn and the girl, fearing if he followed your eyes he’d see what was upsetting you. He’d put two and two together.

“I don’t feel great,” you lied, not looking at him. You hated lying to Brock, you really did, but that’s all you’ve been doing lately. He didn’t know about you and Quinn. When the two of you started hooking up a few months ago, you both agreed it would be better to keep things secret. You were in the same friend group, things would get complicated if other people got involved. Neither of you wanted to deal with the unsolicited opinions, about how it was a bad idea. Of course you knew that. When was it ever a good idea just to fuck someone? When did friends with benefits ever work? 

It had been dumb, you absolutely knew it. But when Quinn looked at you, when he touched, when you felt his lips on you, well, all reasoning left you. He evoked something in you that no else did. It was primal, almost, the need you felt for him. It drove you wild to just be in the same room with him, and you knew he felt the same way. Some things you just can’t fake.

“Looks like you wanna kill someone,” Brock noted, sipping his drink. You could feel he wasn’t buying it. He knew you long enough to know something was up. Part of you wanted to come clean, to finally let it all be out in the open. But you were scared Brock would be mad, and you wouldn’t blame him. You’d been lying to him for months, sneaking around to fuck his best friend. He'd be furious with you, you were sure of it. You couldn’t deal with that right now, it would be too much.

“Just some stupid boy,” you lied.

“Do I know him?” he asked casually. He was used to hearing you vent about the shitty men you came in contact with.

“No.” Another lie. God you hated yourself. Since when were you the person who lied? To their best friend no less. You wanted to blame Quinn for making you keep this all a secret, but even through your anger you knew that was not fair. It was as much your idea as it was his. 

You hated how much you enjoyed it in the beginning. It had been fun, sneaking around, the fear of getting caught, the absolute thrill of not. It was intoxicating. You thought of all the places you’d managed to fuck without anyone knowing, how each time had been better than the last. One of those times happened to be in the very club you sat in tonight. You thought that if you saw Quinn pulling the girl he was with to the bathroom where he’d had you... well you just might kill someone then.

“Whoever he is, he’s a loser. You deserve better than some asshole who’s gonna get you so upset,” Brock tried to comfort you. It just made you feel more guilty. Would he be saying the same thing if he knew who you were upset with?

“Thanks,” you replied flatly. You were about to open you mouth to say something, but Quinn caught your eye again. He was kissing her, this time on the lips. You felt sick to your stomach, and not because of the alcohol you drank. You couldn’t do this, you couldn’t be here anymore. 

“I have to go,” you jumped up suddenly, nearly teetering over.

Brock’s hand found your arm, keeping you from falling. “Y/n, are you sure you’re okay? Something seems really wrong,” he was studying your face now. You’d have to put on your best act. Your best lies.

“I’m fine, just had too much to drink,” you started. It really wasn't a lie, it was hard for you think straight with the mixture of alcohol and pain swimming through your body. “It’s not a big deal, I'll be over it tomorrow, I just need to get some rest.” You definitely would not be over this tomorrow, but you needed Brock to believe you were okay. You needed to get somewhere that you could be alone.

“Let me take you home,” Brock replied.

You forced a laugh. “I’m not a child I don’t need an escort. I’ll make it home fine.”

“Stay at my place tonight then? So I can check on you when I get home,” Brock insisted. He was worried about you, and you knew he wasn’t going to drop it. It pained you how much he cared about you in that moment, you didn’t think you deserved it. But you also knew fighting it wasn’t going to work. You figured you could just slip into the guest room and have a melt down before he got home. You could be asleep by then, or at least pretend to be asleep.

“Alright, yeah,” you nodded, “But I just want some time to myself. Stay and have fun, okay? I’ll be okay I promise.” Brock agreed, slipping you the key to his place. You forced another smile, saying you’d see him later before heading out. Tears were already pressing at the back of your eyes as you slipped into the car you called.

You wanted to be mad at Quinn, well you were, but really you were more mad at yourself. You brought on this shit storm. Of course you caught feelings for him, who were you kidding? From the first time you kissed, you knew, you felt the sweetest spark in the pit of your stomach. It wasn't lust, it was love. You loved Quinn. As much as you hated to admit it, you did. You didn’t want to be his secret, you didn’t want to hide anymore. But he didn’t feel the same, at least you didn’t think so. It always seemed to be about sex for him. You couldn't tell him you loved him, it would ruin everything.

So you ruined things differently. You cut him off completely. No texts, no calls, nothing. It was wrong, you knew that, but you'd be lying for months now what was one final shitty act? You avoided him for awhile, making up excuses to Brock why you couldn’t come out. Working late. Friend needed you. Whatever worked.

Until Quinn showed up at your door, demanding answers. The words spilled from you venomously, shocking yourself. You told him he wasn’t worth it, that you didn’t want anything to do with him. More lies. A part of you wanted him to fight for you, to ask you to stay or try to talk things out. For a second, there was a flash in his eyes that made you think he would. But he left without a word, leaving you all alone.

That encounter had been a few weeks ago. You were running short on excuses to tell Brock, which is why you came out tonight. You convinced yourself you didn’t care, that you could handle seeing him. And maybe you could have, if it was just him, but seeing him with someone else stung. It confirmed to you that he never felt anything more for you than just a hook up buddy. How else could he have moved on so quickly?

Tears were slowly freely be the time you hit the guest bed in Brock’s place. You didn’t bother getting undressed, just kicking off your shoes and curling into a ball. You felt ridiculous, but you needed to get it all out. Maybe then you would feel better.

You’re not sure how much time had passed, but you knew it couldn't have been that long when you heard the front door open. Fuck, you should have known Brock would come back early to check on you. There was no way you could hide that you’d been crying, so you turned away from the door, hoping you could pretend to be sleeping and he'd leave you be.

“Y/n?” asked a familiar voice. But it wasn’t Brock’s.

“Quinn?” you gasped. He was the last person you were expecting. “What are you doing here?”

“Brock said you left in a rush, that you seemed upset. I wanted to check on you,” he told you, hovering awkwardly in the door way.

“Why do you care?” you asked. You intended for it to sound cold and uncaring, but you sounded more sad than anything else.

“Because I-” Quinn paused, as if he was stopping himself from saying what he wanted. “I don’t understand what happened between us,” he said finally.

“Us? Was there ever really and us?” you questioned.

He looked hurt. “I mean I thought...” his voice trailed off.

“You could just call me whenever you wanted to fuck and I'd come running?” you filled in the blanks.

“Is that what you think of me? Of how I felt?” Quinn questioned. You don't know how you were expecting him to respond, but it was like that.

“You couldn’t have felt much if you were making out with some random girl,” you huffed.

“That random girl was my shitty attempt to get over you,” Quinn replied, “And it didn’t work.” You stared at him, feeling like you couldn’t possibly have heard him right. If he was trying to get over you did that mean...

“Fuck,” you said, because you didn't know what else to say.

“What?”

“I think I made a big mistake,” you began, “By pushing you away.”

“You mean...”

“I liked you,” you replied, “I still like you, who am I kidding? I just thought you didn’t feel the same and it was all getting to be too much. I don't know, god it sounds so stupid now.” You shook your head at yourself. 

“I like you too,” Quinn replied. It made your heart flutter. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I shoulda said something, I was just scared it might fuck everything up.”

“Apparently fucking everything up is my specialty,” you sighed, both of you laughing a bit. “I am sorry though, seriously. I shouldn’t have said what I did and treated you like that. I’m really sorry.”

It was then you realized Quinn had made his way over to you during the course of your conversation. He put his arm around you, giving you a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay, I’m just glad I know what it was all about now,” Quinn replied. You were really looking in his eyes for the first time since he arrived and that pull of desire started to bubble up in you.

“Quinn... would it be crazy if we tried this? Us? Like no hiding, no secrets? Be together like normal people,” you asked, your heart hammering. Just because he forgave you, didn’t mean hed want to be with you.

Quinn didn’t leave much time for you to wonder, though. “There’s nothing I’d want more.” His lips found yours and in an instant all the pain you’d felt in the past few weeks disappeared. Everything about him kissing you and touching you felt so right. It was impossible to feel anything but bliss when he held you, his lips moving perfectly against yours.

Before you knew it, Quinn was pressing you into the mattress. You savored the familiar heaviness of his body on top of yours. You missed it so much. You missed him so much. Clothing peeled off between kisses and nipping at skin. Quinn slid his hand between your legs, running his finger over your already wet core.

“God I missed this,” Quinn groaned, stealing the words right out of your mouth. He slipped his middle in ring finger into you, just as you liked it. No one knew what you liked like Quinn did. They curled inside you, pressing your most sensitive spot.

“Quinn,” you gasped as his lips found your boobs. His tongue sliding across your nipple, making you shiver in the best way. It had been so long since you felt him like this, you were going to last long.

Quinn seemed as eager as you; you could feel him hardening against you. It only drove you crazier. When Quinn’s thumb found your clit, it was over for you. It took just a few moment of the extra stimulation to send you over the edge, moaning his name as your hand tangled through his hair. He always loved when you pulled it.

Quinn smirked up at you as he always did when he made you cum. It never got old to him, and you loved that. “Come here,” you purred, pulling him back to your lips. As you kissed, you looped your fingers into his boxers, pulling off the one piece of clothing that separated the two of you.

“Need.. you.. now,” Quinn murmured between kisses. You weren't about to object. Quinn pressed into you easily, as you were slick form your first orgasm and he knew exactly how fast he could go with you. He found his pace right away, building your second orgasm quickly.

Quinn was peppering kisses all over, something that gave you butterflies even now. Sex with Quinn was always good, but this was different. It was more than just sex now, which made it so much better than you ever thought it could be.

“Quinn I’m gonna-” you lost your breath in your second orgasm before you could get the words out. Quinn let out a low curse, feeling you tighten around him. He only managed a few more thrusts before he was cumming along with you.

Quinn was smiling again, though this time it was less pride and more joy. He was happy to be with you, really with you. Before either of you could say a word, the front door opening broke the silence between the two of you. Your eyes widened at each other, knowing there was no way out of this. You had no time to even get your clothes on, so you just scrambled to get under the covers.

“Well would you look at what we have here,” Brock was biting back a smirk in the doorway.

“We can explain,” you responded quickly, feeling a blush tint your cheeks.

“What that the two of you have been fucking for months? Yeah we knew that,” Petey piped up from behind Brock. They both looked thoroughly amused.

“You guys knew? How come you didn't say anything?” Quinn asked incredulously.

“How come you didn’t say anything?” Petey shot back, brow raised. Fair.

“You’re not mad?” you asked.

“Not at all,” Brock shook his head, “Just glad you two idiots figured it out.”

“Thanks Brock,” you smiled at your best friend, feeling the weight of the last few months lift from your shoulders.

“Of course. Now you two lovebirds enjoy yourselves... just don’t stain my sheets,” Brock closed the door behind him. Even in the dark you could see Quinn’s cheeks were just as red as yours. However, embarrassment quickly gave way to joy as he planted a quick kiss on your lips before pulling you on to his chest. You and Quinn finally had each other, in the way you truly want, and that was all that matter. 

[myaekingheart]

kakashi for the ask game! :D

Oh this is gonna be dangerous xD (and also really fucking long I’m so sorry lmfao)

send me a character and i’ll list...

favorite thing about them It’s so hard to pick, but I think his resilience. Kakashi has genuinely been through hell and back and yet he keeps going. His character development in Naruto is one of my absolute favorite things, the way he starts out as this seemingly apathetic but deep down very guarded character who ultimately grows to love his students and make peace with his past and finally find some happiness. He’s the man who lost everything and still keeps going and maybe it’s just because I, too, am a depressed bitch but that’s always bee super comforting to me and felt very reassuring. Like if Kakashi can hit rock bottom but pull himself up out of that pit and find happiness and success, then so can I.

least favorite thing about them I don’t even know if I have a least favorite thing about him. I honestly love everything about him. I guess the closest thing I can get to a least favorite thing would be that I wish we saw more of him goofing off and having tons of fun like when he and Guy raced in Shippuden. Hearing Kakashi laugh and joke around was just so good for my soul.

favorite line Oh no there are so many, I can’t pick just one. My favorite contenders are: “Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu: One Thousand Years of Death!” “Behind this mask...is another mask! Pretty cool, huh?” “I’m telling you this because you don’t get it. You think you get it which is not the same as actually getting it, get it?” “Those who break the rules are scum but those who would abandon a comrade are worse than scum” “I won’t allow my comrades to die. I’ll protect you with my life. Trust me.” “It’s like an acorn.” “Sorry I’m late, I’m afraid I got lost on the path of life.” “Sorry I’m late, a black cat crossed my path and I had to take the long way around.” “For those who follow the path of revenge, it never ends well. You’ll only tear yourself apart and even if you succeed and you get your revenge, what will you get then? Nothing. Emptiness.” “So it looks like neither of us have led a charmed life exactly. But still, we’re not all that bad off. At least you and I have found new comrades to help fill the void.” “Calm down, Naruto. Slow your breathing down” (mainly because this scene just gets me every time as someone who has had severe panic attacks for twenty years lmfao) There was also another “sorry I’m late” excuse that I don’t remember exactly and cannot for the life of me find but it was from a picture I saw somewhere, looked like it was maybe from a video game? Where Kakashi said something to genin Naruto and Sakura about the path of love or something? And they’re staring at him flustered pointing insisting “That’s...a lie!” Like I can recall the image clear as day in my head but I cannot for the life of me find it.

brOTP Hands down Guy. I mean, I ship them, too, but I just really love their friendship especially. Guy just really brings out the best in him and provides this really nice foil to Kakashi’s personality. I genuinely think Kakashi would’ve been done for if not for Guy’s loyalty and optimism. Their friendship is so fun and the two of them together never fail to make me smile.

OTP Does my KakashixOC ship count? Because if it does, then that’s my OTP. I have spent way too much time and energy on their relationship for it to not be. That probably sounds super cliche and maybe a little Mary-Sue-ish but I don’t even care, Rei and Kakashi are my magnus opum and I love them. I’m also just really, really proud of the way I’ve written their relationship. So much of their bond is informed by my own relationship with my fiance, and I think my own experiences have really evolved my understanding of what real intimacy in a romantic relationship looks like. It’s not so much about flowers and chocolates and date nights as it is about caring for and comforting the person you love, spending quality time with them, making them laugh and smile, being 110% yourself around them, and providing for them in their times of need. I have never written a relationship so real and specifically raw before, and there’s a lot of intricacies that I’ve worked in as well, that just overall make me incredibly proud of the progress I’ve made on their story, and proud of the story I’ve been creating for them in general. But if an OC ship doesn’t count for OTP, I really like Kakashi with Shizune, Guy, Yamato/Tenzo, and Iruka.

nOTP Oh god I have quite a few. I really don’t enjoy focusing on negatives nor do I want to start ship wars so I’ll keep these explanations brief. I can’t stand Kakashi and Sakura, the mere thought of it makes me *this close* to puking. I take big issue with ships in general between characters that met when one of them was a child and the other an adult, though. It just comes off incredibly pedophilic to me and makes me nauseous. The other big ship I take issue with is Kakashi and Rin but that’s more of a personal issue because their relationship, and Rin’s character in general, hit way too close to home (in a very warped and psychotically symbolic way) to some really traumatic stuff I dealt with in the past that took me years and lots of therapy to deal with, and it still trips me up to this day. It’s not anything that anyone in fandom has done or anyone who ships Kakashi and Rin with each other, it’s just a matter of me noticing parallels between the ship and my own trauma that make it incedibly hard for to tolerate content of it. Just to tack these on, as well, but I also really dislike him with Hanare from the filler episode and with Kahyo from the book Lightning in the Icy Sky. The romance with Hanare just felt really disingenuous to me like I can tolerate it, but it’s not my favorite. And as for Kahyo, I blame bad writing. The fact that the book was referring to her as “the woman who has Kakashi’s heart” literally within like two pages of them meeting really pissed me off. I couldn’t even finish the book so I can’t even speak on the rest of the relationship but I just got so turned off by the entire story in general because the romance was so unbelievable and abrupt. I feel like anyone who has read my fic, though, likely has picked up on my opinions on these, though. Not that I’m writing ship hate or anything because I’m not, but there have been little plot points here and there that have kind of touched on my feelings on these ships.  

random headcanon I have way too many but here’s one of them, I guess, though this is more a musing than a headcanon. I think, when the war is over and Kakashi can finally catch his breath, he goes through a bit of an identity crisis as he comes to terms with the fact that he no longer has his sharingan. After all, he had Obito’s eye for almost twenty years. Learning to function without it is going to be incredibly difficult but not only that, so much of his identity was founded on his secondhand sharingan. Who even is he without it? Does he even recognize himself anymore? And how can he ever live up to the reputation he’s garnered over so many years now that the source of all of his power is gone for good? Yes, he was a prodigy before the sharingan and he is still capable without it, but it’s going to be a big change and take a huge toll on him and his perception of himself.

unpopular opinion I’m glad Kakashi has never been given an explicitly canon love interest. Honestly, I don’t want him to have one. As much as he deserves to find love and start a family with someone, from a fandom perspective I much prefer him being open and available. It creates a much more flexible interpretation of him and his love life so that we, the fans, can write him however we damn well please and I think that’s pretty fantastic. I think it’s safe to say that Kakashi is one of if not the most heavily shipped character in the fandom and everyone has very strong opinions on who he belongs with and even how he idenifies from a sexuality perspective. I can only imagine the uproar that would come from finally giving him a canon love interest because you absolutely cannot please everyone. In a way, I feel like Kakashi is just a character who belongs to all of us. He is something different for every single person in fandom whether that’s someone to look up to and seek guidance from, someone to protect and root for, someone to relate to and find comfort in, someone to love and/or lust after. Or in my case a precious emotional support ninja husbando. I don’t know if he would’ve had quite the same effect on fandom if he had been canonically shipped with someone from the get-go, but I’m grateful that he never was and I hope he never will be so he can continue playing the role in fandom that he has been for so many years. That probably sounds selfish, though, but I just really want him to remain a character that belongs to all of us and is not inhibited by canon in terms of who he loves and how he identifies.

song i associate with them Again, there’s so fucking many so I’m just gonna list some of my favorites. Sign by Flow Friendships by Pascal Letoublon Hospital for Souls by Bring Me the Horizon SCARECROW by My Chemical Romance Disguise by Motionless in White-- this is a big one, especially the line “sick of wearing a mask, sick of hiding my face, sick of every motherfucker that is in my way, sick of digging for answers while you bury the truth, fuck your method to my sadness, I will bury you” like it just reminds me of ANBU Kakashi specifically, but overall his character development in coming to terms with his past and crawling out of his depression, too.

favorite picture of them Again...there’s multiple x_x

[camelliagwerm]

I feel like I gotta say 003 for Aisling Sturbridge or 002 for her and Leonelle?

how about both though? i’ll do 003 first bc honestly i do wanna talk about her ajdjsj

this meme here.

003 | give me a character & i will tell you

how i feel about this character: my favourite signature character in vtm! honestly her background might be one of my favourites and i love that while she seems like a very archetypal tremere, she definitely isn’t.

all the people I ship romantically with this character: honestly just leonelle :’)

my non-romantic otp for this character: i’m most interested in her relationship with her sire, lucien de maupassant, and the dynamic she has with the other tremere regents in new york (eugenio estevez who is the regent of the maupassant room & ephraim wainwright who heads up the kenilworth chantry) because there’s some tension there.

my unpopular opinion about this character: well it’s just between me and the author of the clan tremere novels and i say that sir, the fact you swapped out her canon background for that nonsense makes me mald. er*c gr*ff*n be like “lets give this woman trauma from being a bad mother as a mortal.”

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: that she remains in her position at c5b -- in the camarilla source book for v5, there’s a letter in the tremere section encouraging her to resign from her position and in the old new york by night sourcebook in wainwright’s biography, he has a special mission from vienna to orchestrate aisling’s downfall (and he wants to so he can take her place)

my otp: her and leonelle :’)

my ot3: n/a

002 | send me a ship and i will tell you:

when or if i started shipping it: uhh i definitely remember saying to someone (i think it was @maximillianstrauss) that i wasn’t going to consider it -- i was moving leonelle to new york at the time because there is more of a lasombra population on the east coast vs the west coast  -- until i had read a good amount of the clan novel. whoops. i didn’t even make it 100 pages.

 my thoughts: i have no one to blame but myself for this.

what makes me happy about them:  i think something that i have in a wip says it best: “there’s a latin saying: optima tenete. ‘hold on to the best things in life.’ lucien told me that not long after my embrace.” [...] “that’s you: the best thing — kindred, rather — in my unlife.” that despite the difficulties that come with being kindred; and the pyramid culture; leonelle’s still perceived status by many of their camarilla cohorts as being a sabbat spy, the two of them manage to hold onto one another and not let the politicking tear them apart.

what makes me sad about them: that leonelle doesn’t feel ‘good’ enough for aisling. she has a lot of self-worth and self-esteem issues and she’s terrified that one day their happiness is going to come crashing down because of her.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: that it doesn’t exist. i actually checked ao3 and there’s nothing involving aisling at all. probably a small mercy but it also means i need to write it lmfao.

things i look for in fanfic: honestly similar to the previous answer: it needs to exist and i have to do it if i want anything substantial. otherwise, it’s just me, my headcanons and the void of my friends’ discord channels

my kinks: haven’t gotten that far yet honestly, them having as much security as one can have in wod.

who i’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: no one for aisling, but for leonelle -- i think i’d be ok with her ending up with sophie langley (from coteries) or with no one.

my happily ever after for them: i think they’re pretty close to it now, but a little more stability would be nice.

[bigskydreaming]

So this is...its a thing. Let’s go with that. I’ve been calling around LA for pretty much all of last week, going through every oral surgeon I can find to see if they do the surgery I need and what their schedules are like, how soon I could get into surgery, etc, and also I’ve been asking literally everyone I know if they know of anyone, have a referral, etc. Even reached out to this old client of mine from back when I was doing sex work, years and years ago, to see if he knew anyone in LA with connections at Cedars Sinai or another hospital, like, to see if they could even just check with their hospital to see what visiting doctors specialize in that kinda thing. Keeping in touch with people from my sex work days, lol, is not something I normally did, or do. He’s literally the only one, and that’s because it just....kinda happened? *Shrugs* He's not a regular presence in my life or anything like that, just the only one from those days that for various reasons, I kinda kept in casual contact with - which for me pretty much meant that I called him or he called me like, a couple times a year to just be like hey how you been. And it’d been a couple years to be honest, cuz like....*gestures at the last two years* 

LOLOL. I guess I just have very low standards for people keeping in contact with me. Who knows why. One of those inexplicable mysteries I guess.

But point is, he got back to me like, the same day, and acted as a go between for me with this old friend of his, who works at Cedars Sinai as a chaplain, their non-denominational one...last week, at the time, I was only focused on the advice part of the email he sent after he asked around the hospital for recommendations, and it kinda didn’t even register that this guy wasn’t just....had connections at Cedars Sinai, but was actually working there himself (for some reason, I thought he was in a different state when first put in contact with him, whatever). Let alone what his title there was. So he gave a recommendation that I’m following up on today, and I just called the old client of mine who put me in touch with him to clarify a few things he’d say, and it only then hit me where this friend of his worked, and so I asked how long he’d worked there and turns out it was two years.

Which was...when my aunt killed herself. And that was where she worked.

So. Like. This random guy who I’ve never met before, doing a favor for me as a favor for this guy who used to pay me for sex and kinda almost accidentally ended up as like...a casual but distant friend, is literally the guy who was hired to replace my aunt as the non-denominational chaplain at Cedars Sinai when she died two years ago.

And I don’t have the first fucking clue what to do with that?

Like....I’ve always considered myself ‘comfortably agnostic,’ like I’m more than willing to believe a higher power exists, I’m just not all that concerned with forming a definitive idea of what that might be or look like or want. I hate organized religion with a passion because lol, repressive Catholic upbringing, and I’ve just never felt a particular need to go out and look for faith in anything other than myself and like....the things in life I actually value, y’know? I’m of the mindset that like, I figure if I do things cuz they’re the right things to do and try and live a good life where I’m helpful to people and empathetic and compassionate, whatever that Higher Power’s specific deal is, they’re either gonna decide that’s good enough for them when I die, or if its not good enough on its own merits, like...idk why I would even want anything from them or anything to do with them anyway? Like sure God, send me to hell because the only thing that really matters in the end is I didn’t sign up for your official email mailing list or whatever the fuck. Nope. 

So religion and faith and spirituality have never been a big...thing for me, or part of my life, its not something I really feel like, a void for not having or whatever. I don’t have an issue with what anyone else believes or why, up until the point where their personal faith apparently requires them to like....impinge upon my actual life and ability to live it the way I choose to....but I’m not like that dude who goes around trying to poke holes in peoples’ faith, just like...respect that I’m not interested in a sales pitch and we’re cool, y’know? Like my aunt was a chaplain, literally the only person in my family who ever kept in regular contact and like, made a point to check on how I was doing and shit and like...idk, loved me, is I guess the word to use? LMFAO. But like....yeah, she was the only relative I actually felt valued by, and thus the only one I really had anything like a regular or ongoing relationship with....*shrugs* So like yeah, whatever. She believed things that I don’t necessarily NOT believe, but more just have never felt a need to explore or try and decide just WHAT exactly I believe or put a name or a description to it.

And I’ve never been someone who sees signs in stuff that happens, nooooooot a fan of fate or destiny as a general concept and like....I’ve got no problem believing that things like ghosts or demons or anything like that could exist, y’know, things that just can’t be explained by science or anything near to our current understanding of reality at least....I’ve just never had anything remotely close to something I would describe as an encounter with the supernatural, or demonic or divine or anything really...spiritual, I guess?

So.....I don’t know what to feel about this, lol. Like, I’m trying not to read anything into it, like y’know....a sign, haha, not because I wouldn’t like to think that my aunt is still looking out for me in some way, I guess, maybe? Like, of course I’d like to think that, I miss her. A lot. And actually have been randomly thinking about her a bunch lately, like at weird times like, I don’t know what it is that made me stop and think of her, my thoughts go there? So I mean....I’m just saying....it wouldn’t break my brain or upend my entire worldview to accept that could actually happen or be a thing, its more just that I’ve gotten my hopes up so many damn times this past year in specific, that I’m just like....I cant afford to pin my hopes on THIS, like that this is ‘a sign’ that this time, its going to work out? But at the same time, its SO FUCKING SPECIFIC a connection like, and in such a WEIRD fucking round about way, that its pretty much impossible NOT to try and read something into it? Like, the guy who replaced her never even MET her, she’s literally just the woman who had his office before him and well. Is probably just remembered as a depressing story around the hospital, to be totally honest, cuz like, there’s not a lot of follow up that tends to happen when you ask so what happened to her and the answer is well, she killed herself, y’know?

So its like, how do you not get your hopes up even just a little bit, from thinking about that......which I figure means, oops, further to fall and crash and burn if this lead fizzles out too and I got my hopes up for nothing, but if it does pan out, like....I guess that’s kinda the point of faith in a higher power in the first place, lol, to hope for better or believe that there’s a point to all this or a place this all is headed, idk.

But then also now I just fucking miss her too, like, even more than usual, and thinking the shit I’ve tried really really really goddamn hard not to think about for the past two years, like how I know she had her own mental health struggles and even physical health issues, and I know better than to fucking blame her and yet there’s that part of me that wants to fucking throw a tantrum about how i need her and how could she leave me alone with just the rest of my useless fucking joke of a family, but then there’s the other part of me that’s like well I obviously wasn’t the help she needed either, so its not like I’ve got any right to think I was owed her presence or help or anything like that, its just. Idk. I miss her. I need her. I love her, like there’s so many things I want to tell her that I never got the chance to because I didn’t just fucking take the chances I had when they were actually available and there are so many more things I wish she’d told me, and just. I knew she cared, at least. No matter how detached I felt from the rest of my family or just like...fuck family in general, lol, she was the one person there who I never doubted like...just cared. About me. Gave a shit, showed up, wanted me to actually be happy and wanted that to look like whatever I wanted it to look like, didn’t give a fuck what other people thought my happiness should look like or require.

And its just like, maybe this is just a really weird, strange, major coincidence or maybe its a sign of something or proof of something and maybe it doesn’t even matter, bc like...I was just gonna say that its not like I even NEED the answers or to know, but like lol, dumbass, the fact that I’m actually asking the questions or getting worked up over whether or not I actually believe this means something or I just WANT to believe it means something, like, would tend to suggest I’m shitting myself and I DO actually want the answers which suggests maybe I’m not actually as agnostic or at least not comfortable with being agnostic as I’ve told myself, which....oh fucking hell. Am I having an existential crisis? Is that what this is? Jfc I better not be having a fucking spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck, like that is not what I need, this is NOT the time for that, literally nobody asked and I should know, Ive been here the whole time and nope nope nope this guy is not your ‘but the real salvation came from finding strength and purpose in something greater than myself in my most dire time of need’ narrative or whatever like I FUCKING REFUSE, my belief system can go to the BACK OF THE LINE until I’m good and ready to deal with it on MY time, I didn’t sign on to do a rewrite of some modernized Book of Job shit, literally any other thought in my brain is invited to step the fuck right up because THANK YOU, NEXT, I just willingly made an Ariana Grande reference because I can think of nothing more suitably over the top dramatic short of tossing my hair which is much too short to toss but again I insist nooooooooooooooope.

Like, love you and miss you Aunt Diane, and if that is you looking out for me plz know I’m very grateful even tho it totally doesn’t sound like it, but like, you know me well enough to know that I like....object to this timing and context on principle, WHICH YES HELLO I AM AWARE SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID NOW THAT IM TYPING IT OUT YET IT PERSISTS SO LIKE WHATEVER AND STUFF....just. I am me, and thus I shall super gratefully take like....just a smidgen of hope and optimism or whatever from this offering so like, I don’t want to be RUDE, but then Im gonna put the rest of it back in its box and shove it alllll the way to the back of my Pressing Priorities and unpack all that at a very fucking much later date, thank you ever so much, because like....I gotta be me, and I have been partners in crime with my Cynicism for way too long to just bail on him now, like, what kind of person would I be if I just cut and run on the anthropomorphized negative outlook that has helped see me through life oh so jadedly until now? 

Ugh wtf, why am I like this, is it free will or is it God or is God even real or did Cthulu eat god or is God’s actual name Sonya and like I have no clue where I’m going with any of this, look the answer is obviously that a faithless blasphemous heretical fucker has phone calls to make today, and nobody’s finding the light here, nope, nope, NOOOOOPE, my motel’s one shitty lightbulb works GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2010s: 195 - 191

195. Ilinca ft. Alex Florea - “Yodel it” Romania 2017

[2017 Review here]

Is this a shock boot? Well, “Yodel it” kind of slaps but it’s not without its problems, sadly enough. It’s one of those over-the-top, ridiculous genre fusion entries that sap your fucking soul if overexposed to their overpowering loudness. Fortunately, I didn’t listen to “Yodel it” for over a year, so I’m fully able to embrace it shittasticness. “Yodel it” is a geiser of mirth in a fruity folk/schlager package. It has a silly, but relatable message about burn-outs buried underneath mounds of yodeling and a language that vaguely approximates coalminer’s English <3 It’s not a song that I would listen to on repeat (which is something I greatly care about), but it slaps. However, the best part of this entry has to be dynamic between Alex and Ilinca. You know how the greatest ESC duo’s of our time, such as ZalaGasper and The Common Linnets had amazing onstage chemistry. Illinca and Alex, otoh-

- actually have so little chemistry it circles back into hilariousness .There’s a strong sexual undercurrent here, where it’s clear that Alex is desperately trying to get into Ilinca’s lederhose panties and she is 100% not interesting in doing anything non-platonic with this insectoid creep. This nomance’s glorious conclusion came during Selectia Nationala 2018, the Ilinca-fronted jury mercilessly shived Alex’s song in the heats. True love really runs deep, y’all~

________________________________________________________________

194. Victor Crone - “Storm” Estonia 2019

MORPH! I’ve actually somewhat warmed to Victor and I don’t feel the least bit sorry!🤭 Naturally, the song is still counterfeit Aviicii material that should be pulverized underneath a hydraulic press. 

However, somewhere between the semifinal and grand final I realized that Victor, the arguably the Whitest Dude in the history of White Dudes (you know the type: handsome dopey face, no discernible personality, offensively inoffensive, leather jacket, guitar, the Lisa Rinna hair, handkerchief hanging from the belt), was middle-aged spinster catnip, resulting in a sudden, hilariously bloated televote score for a song that was ignored on both Youtube and Spotify <3

And I’m, sorry but that’s just hysterical to me. The idea that, out of the myriad of hot guys in this year, the catladies fainted in droves for Victor is beyond hilarious. It’s fucking hysterical. Older women and nobody fucking else.🤣  Did I mention his surname is the poetically appropriate “Crone”? MILK THAT CAREER OF SINGING AT RETIREMENT HOMES, MY SWEET WHITEBREAD PRINCE! MILK IT TO THE LAST NOTE!!!

________________________________________________________________

193. Moje 3 - “Ljubav je svuda” Serbia 2013

Speaking of catnip, “Ljubav je svuda”’s trinity of campy drama, female-fronted trash and ethnobop is a trap for the unassuming Eurovision-obsessed homosexual. Naturally, upon selection many, myself included, instantly started the pyramid-building and human sacrifices at the altar of Moje 3 and their hilariously literal interpretation of shoulder angels. 🤭 Sadly, for some fucking reason, Serbia decided to dress them like Indonesian fertility demons and it all fell apart as a mildly amusing, but utterly NOT-wigsnatching hot mess. 🙄 Is it unfair to blame NevenaBore for the floppage? Well, considering that Mirna single-handedly carried the song and Sara is a facial expressions goddess...

________________________________________________________________

192. Anmary - “Beautiful Song” Latvia 2012

Welp I guess I lied when I said I wasn’t cutting Anmary soon, lmfao. 😂 Anmary’s placement on the list appeared a lot further away in the spreadsheet, don’t @ me!!! 

Like Moje 3, Anmary was a force of hilarity upon her selection. NF Beautiful Song is.. a thing of beauty. It’s unfiltered Baltic INSANITY at its peak. Sharing this wonderful caption with you because it’s too iconic to hold back:

Beyond the general cheesy schlager we find on display: crazy eyes, unfathomable hubris, a dress change from an ugly dress into an even uglier dress, terrible ‘English’ (omg the Mick Jagger line, kills me every time. “JAGGERMICK”😂 holy fuck i am deceased. Refering to him as if he’s like.. the antagonist of a Lewis Caroll novel <3) it has the full fusedmarc package!!!

Un-very-fucking-fortunately, Latvia decided to lather Beautiful Song up with the Dettol brush and the end result was... still pretty funny, lol? It served some ~Real Housewives of Daugavpils ~ realness, with its cocktail party-chic aerobics as Anmary’s disaster notes echoed through the void of the Crystal Arena.

However, it was significantly less funny than the original, which is killing for an entry whose entire appeal rests on its hopeless, cheesy incompetence. At least she got a call from the Jaggermick out of it~ ________________________________________________________________

191. SuRie - “Storm” United Kingdom 2018

[2018 Review Here]

Storms don’t last forever, remember~

You’d be inclined to believe that SuRie ranks this high ONLY because of spillover sympathy due to the stage invader and well... that certainly DID factor in my final ranking. Not everyone is able to recover from *that* blatant display of FUCKING ASSHOLERY as unscathed as ms Susanna Marie Cork did. What a inspiring display of professionalism. 

However, by that time I had already warmed to “Storm” itself, whoops! You see, as generic as “Storm” is (are “Storms” the new “Shines”?), SuRie is one of those performers that just has tonnes of natural charisma and manages to brighten any shitty song by her mere presence. 🤗 That she turned that stage invasion into a moment of self-empowerment is only the cherry on top of the sundae. BRING HER BACK BBC!!! She may not be the artist the UK deserve, but it’s artists like her that they need. 

________________________________________________________________

[cwombw]

isn’t life great?

below cut.

void-Yesterday at 11:25 PM

wtf do you even have to say to me

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:26 PM

I just, if youre this upset with riley for doing then we need to talk about this so you understand

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

im ALLOWED to be hurt that he thinks i can NEVER be trusted AGAIN for no apparent reasonif you cant recognize that then WOW

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

He doesn't think thatHe blocked people he's know for years

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

then WHY the MCFUCK did he block me and why are you saying i should just shut up about it and get over iti cared about him damnit i say him as my own fucking childyoure not who i thought you were lmfao

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

He's just really scared right now, youre allowed to be upset but try to underastand

void-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

im done tbh?i blocked him back.its what he wants anyway

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

if you feel that's what you want. he's just scared and hiding from everything

void-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

and yet hes still in dandys friendchat.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

He left active chats right off the bat and then got scred people would hate him and stoped

void-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

whatever then.too bad star came home im this close to self harmingim  going to talk to her and hope shecan calm me down from a meltdown

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

I just, he's literally dying rn, please try to understandAnd please stay safe

void-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

you also need to understand that others are having similar reactions due to his actions just now

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

youre having a heart problem? you were so upset you had a heart attack last night? I'm sorry but I dont think this is comperable

void-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

i meant the goddamn breakdown thing

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:34 PM

I'm sorry i misunderstoodHe jsut doesnt want anyone to see him die

void-Yesterday at 11:39 PM

i f he wants to push everybody away and ruin every good friendship he had and also ruin the dnd kin thing, fine. im not going to open my arms to him anymore.i dont hate him.but the wanting nothing to do eith each other thing is mutual now.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

i hope you understand that i stand with him on this. he just doesnt want to hurt people if he actually dies

void-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

if he actually diesso if he doesnt, what. hes gonna be like "heyyy.. fingerguns sorry that i ruined all my friendships, amde people hate me, and made people panic" i dont play ehadgames like that and i refuse to do that with him.plus, idk. iunno. maybe it should be our choice if we want to stick with him even if hes on his death bed?by doing this its hurting more than watching hiom die

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:43 PM

He's in the hospital and they said things arent looking good. he's terrifiyed and I think you should remember hes only 16. he's just scared as any dying kid would be

void-Yesterday at 11:44 PM

.. so wait. let me get this straight . he decided to. block. every single one of his online friends, out of fear of hurting them. but he didnt try to distance himself from his irl ones, even though it should be thje same fear that drove him to block everybody online in the first place.iwhatnothis boils down to paranoia and distrustwhy exactly, does he  let his irl friends care for him but wont let his online ones do the same

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:45 PM

It;s easier to block people you don't know in personI just, I cant do this. hes a scared kin and that's all there is to it

void-Yesterday at 11:46 PM

okim dropping itfeel free to block mefigure you want nothing to do with me anymore eitherJune 8, 2018

ArchaicArcade-Today at 12:01 AM

no it's just I need a bit

ArchaicArcade-Today at 8:34 AM

I'm sorry to say this but I've know Riley way longer and well, I choose him over you. I feel terrible but I need to side with my best friend here

void-Today at 11:56 AM

there shouldnt even be a side but okay. i had a feeling y'all weren't telling the truth. because i forgot last night but now i remember that he certainly did not block everybody he was friends with online and the chat in gov kin is evident as such, since people there could still message him.

you all have fun lying now. but i want you both to remember that i would have gone above and beyond for the both of you because i trusted you, cared about you, and loved you.thanks for ripping away a part of my life.

--

s/o-Today at 7:48 AM

Fuck meRiley is the rat talking to lou

s/o-Today at 11:01 AM

Let me know if you are okay.

void-Today at 11:59 AM

.....wow.

s/o-Today at 11:59 AM

He shared our entire dm

s/o-Today at 12:00 PM

God me too

void-Today at 12:01 PM

you know i have a feeling all their friends were in on it and he didnt even have a heart attack last night

--

s/o- you know I never had a grudge against you, and I wasn't in a good place either when you were in my life. please leave me out of your mouth and i'll continue leaving you out of mine. Don't dis GAK either, it's a quiet kin family. -Lex's "live in" partner.

s/o- also I'm carful about the ages of the people I talk too, and that "flirting with a minor thing" not sure who that was at all? I'm sure it had something to do with the nonsense in KK. Anyway last message I will send unless you choose to respond. Yesterday at 4:53 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches the minor was jeremie diioscuri and the offending behavior was via discord in a mutuals server that he had created Yesterday at 2:26 PM s/o- Now i know what you are talking about. I was mislead about his age. But I also never flirted with him. I sent him an NSFW meme once and his little friends started making wild accusations of me. And I do feel bad for offending him, but I didn't know he was a minor.

s/o- That is also how I personally got kicked from KK. I kicked Alex from KK the previous night because it was behaving destructively Today at 7:44 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches thats not an accusation thats straight up telling the truth

s/o- Talking about trans stuff? I was literally complaing about tucking. I also really feel stabbed in the back right now. You think you know someone

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches you... knew who? look idk what you deem appropriate to talk to minors about but maybe it differs for us

s/o- i don't think a trans vent between two trans people is inappropriate if he was squicked by that he could've told me lol. not go sharing a private convo with you. (and i'm not blaming you for that)

agenderdad420/mystery peaches i will say that there is often an inherent power dynamic between older and younger members that maybe made him more uncomfortable

s/o- you know i can take the blame if I fucked up. I hope you know that I've changed a ton since KK. and since I your drama with Lex started. All I want is to be a good person and contribute something to my fellow kinnies.\

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches honestly i havent really kept up w either you or alex since that point, but i dont doubt you can take accountability for your actions.

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches i just hope that there is change that goes along w acknowledgement and perhaps there has been

s/o- I don't speak for lex. But i just want peace Today at 9:21 AM

agenderdad420 fair

--

s/o - Today at 7:49 AM Apparently riley is the one talking to the person who made my callout Do you have a problem with me arcade? 

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:07 AM no 

s/o - Today at 8:16 AM I guess i squicked him with something i said 

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:17 AM i guess 

s/o - Today at 8:19 AM My brain: hes sick because of you 

s/o - Today at 12:02 PM I know you have your reasons  for what you guys are doing. But I hope Riley knows how deep he cut me. I would've given you both the moon.

--

not only have these people caused me to have a severe anxiety attack, they caused my partner the same, as well as many others who weren’t even a part of this.

they have caused me to feel suicidal and paranoid, to want to self harm

as for agenderdad420/mysterypeaches, they have sent me anon hate before, accused me of being racist for my neopronouns (all while saying they’re not against neopronouns, lol), and blew up at me for dropping them after they told me they didn’t like that i was trying to set boundaries for my borderline behaviors with them, and that i was confiding in them everything that was going on with me at the time (which was heavily toxic and depressing towards me) they have used language against me that is ableist and abuse apologetic in nature and their claims otherwise are blatant lies.

i had previously published the majority of the anon hate before deleting it from my blog after a while due to discomfort of having drama on my blog.

they have taken to stalking me to find out more past drama about me, as well as taking false anecdotes from others who claim my s/o has been inappropriate with minors to the point of grooming them, which is 1000000000000000% untrue and taken greatly out of context and skewed into something that never happened.

talking about trans issues isn’t grooming, sending a nsfw meme to a person who my s/o believed to be an adult isn’t grooming.

these people are pure evil and have been planning this for a long time from what i’ve gathered.

they are dangerous and unpleasant and will apparently stop at nothing to obtain their goal, whatever it actually is. as evident as one of them faked a heart attack and may have faked an entire condition.

update 7/17/2018

after speaking to rileys sister who he abused for a good part of their life, as well as ruined it and made their mom send them to live with their aunt, i’ve since learned that this is serial abusive behavior and he has also physically beat his younger siblings, is a pathological liar, and everything i’ve thus learned about him 100% fits his m/o.

he can try all he wants to pretend that he got better and has improved but all i see if that he got better methods.

faking a heart attack in order to call my gf a pedophile for talking about trans issues is fucking despicable.

another thing i’ve discovered is that he did in fact assault the person who he says assaulted him 

and the fact he freaked out over a poorly written callout like that, no offense to the victim is kinda funny and really telling. if he was innocent then why bother mentioning anything? i dont think that many people saw it.

i’ve also learned that archaicarcade, aka julien/julian (and plenty of other past names) also has a past of fucking people over very quickly into friendships and relationships and changing their name and other information in order to hide their past.

in fact.. riley hangs out with a lot of weird people, including somebody who was brainwashed by their older brother to be transphobic, and julien, whos relationship with the minors he surrounds himself with is suspect at best.

he also keeps company with a jehovah’s witness, which i shouldn’t have to explain how problematic that is.

my current thoughts about this is that riley while not innocent at all may be being groomed by julien is who also grooming others with help from his other adult buddies they all hang with. i have no sympathy for riley though after what occurred, whatsoever.

just 10-20 minutes ago somebody on a sockpuppet from wilson, north carolina sent me hate after checking out this callout post for riley, this is the screenshot i took

i’ve since blocked and reported the sockpuppet, even if this doesnt belong to riley, its clearly from one of his brainwashed supporters. amazing that a month later they still want to start shit. but this? this is pathetic.

look riley and co. i, my gf, my bf, my other bf, and all my friends know the truth. you’re fucking liars and fakes and abusive and groom people. do the universe a favor and go to long term therapy or maybe just never go online ever again with any device, anytime, anywhere, ever. and in fact hole yoruself up in your homes and never speak to anybody ever again because you clearly can’t help yourselves from finding new targets to fuck with.

emotional terrorism at its finest.

[portectorisms-a]

So this post kinda follows this one. Like this wasn’t what I was originally thinking this morning but this is what came out of it. lmfao I don’t even know where this came from in reality, just happened and Bellamy wanted me to write it. This follows a number of verses thrown together and honestly, after re-reading, sounds like a bunch of rambling but alas. @wolfscldier tagging you for reasons. =3 Also putting it under the cut cause it kinda got long.

Dear Mom,

Where do I begin? I haven't talked to you or thought of your memory in a long time. I haven't brought myself to be able to. So much has happened. So much has past that I wanted to say. In the beginning, I hated you. I loathed everything about you. The way you treated Octavia. The way you always left us alone and how you only came back to change clothes and make sure we were still alive. You only really cared about me and it took me a long time to understand that. It took me a long time to accept the fact that you never wanted Octavia in our lives but because I made that promise and I cared for her, you didn't have much of a say. You just showed it in a different way. I wanted to yell at you. To make it stop. Octavia didn't deserve any of that. She didn't deserve what you did to her and I tried to give her a better life than what you ever tried to do. You're my mother and it took me a long time to remeber that I did, I do love you. You taught me actions spoke louder than words. You taught me to hide my feelings because they showed weakness. I had to be the strong one. Not just for Octavia but for you too. I didn't have a childhood. I never learned what it was like to be a kid. I grew up the day I was able to walk. I learned to cook and clean not long after that. I didn't have a choice. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be alive and I never hated you for that. I never blamed that on you. I just accepted it as normal and kept going. How stupid was that? I should've said something. I should've told you how much you were failing. I picked up your habits. How proud of that would you be? I slept around a lot. I guess I used it to cope. To fill a void in my heart after you died in my arms. I should've saved you. I should've tried harder and I should've called for help. I was fifteen and I was scared. I was thinking about Octavia and how I promised to keep her safe and so I did the only thing I knew that would. I let you die. You'll never read this. No one ever will so I might as well be honest, not just with you, but with myself too. I started writing this with different intentions than a confession of guilt. Funny how that happens, isn't it? I'm sorry. I don't say that out loud and if I do, it's to two people. I'm sorry I let you die. I'm sorry I didn't do enough to save you. I should've tried harder. I'm no Atlas, no matter how much I have upon my shoulders. I have to be strong. I have to hold the world up but I'm on my knees today and I'm crumbling. I guess we should move on from this though. I began writing this to tell you that I forgive you, which is funny, cause that falls in line with everything else I've wrote. Forgiveness is hard for me, you taught me that too, but, I do. I forgive you. I don't forgive you for what you did to Octavia but for everything else, I do. Things have happened. Amazing things that I never thought would happen. I fell in love. Hell, I'm still falling. Hale. His name is Hale. He's the sky for me. His eyes have every planet in the galaxy in them. With what you taught me, I never knew what love was and he's teaching me. I don't want anyone else. I don't care about anyone else. I'd take a bullet for him even if it killed me. I joined the Marines for awhile. I climbed the ranks, I was a commanding officer. I left active duty though. I got a job on the base. Hale and I live together. We adpoted a baby girl. You'd be a grandma. What a funny thing to say out loud. She's beautiful and she's ours. I know that you wouldn't be proud of the son that I became. Of the person. I've done terrible things and I try to make up for them. I try to make things right. I'm okay with the fact that you wouldn't be proud of me but I do hope that you'd be proud of the daughter that I'm going to help raise with the man that I love. I'm going to stop writing this now becuase I'm torn between letting the anger I feel take over and shred this,, or keep it. Either way, no one else is going to ever read it.

Your son, Bellamy.

[falling-stars-and-open-scars]

Life Update

So, a lot’s happened since my last actual blog post/writing/whatever [Jan. 11th] So, let’s recap:

- Got my first speeding ticket Jan 16th

- Immediately TOTALED my car the VERY next day (Jan. 17th) and spent probably a good month trying to get things sorted out/get a car rented/get a NEW car, etc. 

- In February: I saw that some coworkers were in a Facebook Group Chat complaining about me “being late” to work. Told my manager and head veterinarian about it and ofc neither did anything about it. A few weeks AFTER that, I “magically” get told that unless I have more availability due to “scheduling” that I was fired. Do keep in mind LITERALLY NO ONE talked to me about my schedule and IN FACT, I told one of the receptionists who works on the monthly schedule that in March I’d be able to work MORE hours during Spring Break so......wtf.....doesn’t add up. And if it usually doesn’t add up, it usually isn’t true. So I really truly feel I got canned because 1)I wasn’t part of the “girl’s club” and actively resented the notion of a girl’s club - “This isn’t high school, I just want to do MY job and my JOB does not require me to be best friends with your dumbass” and 2) The head veterinarian’s pet/favorite was involved in the group chat. Soooooo. Yeah, fuck that place. I worked 20 hours per week and STILL managed to get ALL my work done and the dumb hoes y’all hired off the street can’t seem to even get 2 out of 6 tasks done in 1 week and they “work” more hours than I did.....but they also sat on their asses and ordered Jeffery Starr makeup and Shawn Dawson makeup or whatever the fuck their names are while animals literally went HOURS without water. I know this because I saw it and purposefully did not handle the situation because I’m not the ONLY fucking person who works there; it’s not SOLELY my job to do water checks and they sat on their asses for hours so I was literally trying to give them a chance to redeem themselves; but no, doggo went without water for hours until I refilled the bowl. UGH! And I had to force myself to NOT immediately take care of the problem and it was HARD because the dog didn’t deserve it and it wouldn’t have taken but maybe a minute to take care of. It was just the simple principle of it - I’m working at MY job and y’all should be too but you’re not. I hated that place. I hated my coworkers - bunch of lazy idiots straight up off the fucking street without so much as a goddamn DRUG TEST. No drug test. No BACKGROUND check. No prior animal care experience needed. BULLSHIT! Test them! TEST TEST TEST LITERALLY EVERYONE who walks in and tries to apply because *ahem* THE HEALTH AND WELL BEING OF THE ANIMALS IS WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THIS CLINIC AND IF YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT INSURE THAT THE PEOPLE *YOU* EMPLOY ARE TRUSTWORTHY AND DRUG-FREE BY DOING A SIMPLE FUCKING CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK AND A DRUG TEST THEN YOU DO NOT HAVE *ANY* RIGHT TO BE IN BUSINESS! 

Annnyway. Randos off the fucking street who couldn’t tell you the ass end of a dog from the front end of a dog and who primarily worked ONLY in retail are more important than having an employee who: 1) fucking works her shift and stays until every single last thing is done, 2) was an employee with the CITY and worked closely with Animal Control/Public Safety AS a kennel attendant for 2 full fucking years and did that job pretty much by herself, 3) CAN PASS a drug test AND background check, and 4) went to school to learn if she can improve in anyway so that the care that she provides for the animals is the ABSOLUTE best it can be without verging into super technical/doctoral territory. Yeeeep. Sounds like a GREAT plan, right? Hire AND KEEP complete fucking morons who CAN’T EVEN READ A LABEL ON A BOTTLE TO MAKE SURE THEY DON’T CREATE MOTHERFUCKING CHLORINE GAS AND KILL EVERY LAST LIVING THING IN THE DAMN BUILDING ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WANT TO USE A METRIC FUCKTON OF CHEMICALS AND BLEACH TOGETHER BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU DON’T READ THE FUCKING LABEL TO KNOW THAT ONLY 1/8TH OF A FUCKING CUP OF TOP PERFORMANCE PLUS 1 GALLON OF WATER IS ENOUGH TO BE AN EFFECTIVE CLEANING SOLUTION over someone who actually knows their shit. What could possibly go wrong--oh, wait, literally fucking everything. Not like y’all had a PARVO dog in recently and the floor of the room the PARVO dog was in has NOT been deep cleaned with parvocide. Oh wait, that’s TOTALLY THE CASE BECAUSE LAZY BITCHES DON’T CLEAN THEIR FLOOR EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE TO DO WEEKLY FLOOR DEEP-CLEANINGS AND SCRRRUUUUBBBB THE EVER LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE FLOOR USING KENNEL-SOL [which, btw, is effective against *legasp!* FUCKING PARVO!]. Did I mention that they had an older dog literally up and die in the boarding department for no known reason? Well, they sure as fuck did and that dog did NOT get a pre-boarding examination as it “wasn’t due for one” because “yearly exams” are enough. Um, NAH! Unless that dog was seen within the past WEEK, you examine the FUCK outta it! AND GET A GODDAMN FECAL TOO BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF HAVING DOGS COME IN AND BE SHITTING THEIR BRAINS OUT BECAUSE THEY HAVE A FUCKING PARASITE. They had no idea how that dog died, but it was noted that the dog was not eating her food throughout her time there. And noooobody thought “hmm, maybe we should get her checked out? it’s probably just her bad teeth, but maybe we should at least check....maybe ask the owner if we can do some bloodwork (which should’ve been done beforehand/done in a pre-boarding exam)?” Nah, they were like “Oooh, it’s friday; you got food and water, you’ll be fine. I’m outtie at 6pm whether there’s a shitton of other things to do or not.” then came back Saturday morning to find her dead in her fucking kennel.

Not my clinic, not my problem anymore. 

Seriously hated that place.

But now, I have an opportunity to work for the city again as a kennel attendant while going to school. Considering my knowledge/education and background and the fact that I literally did the job once before and can do it again and when I did leave, I left on good terms; there shouldn’t be any reason why I’m not hired on. If I do get hired, I’d be making $12 verses the $10.50 bullshit this clinic was paying me and have the title of “city employee” again, so a little bit of a pride-booster there. I’ll be working by myself, which I prefer anyways because I know I can rely on myself to get shit done and, if for some reason shit doesn’t get done, I have only one person to blame - myself. It’ll be hard juggling that and school, but I think I can do it.

Now, in regards to weight loss.....I’ve plateaued and may have even gained a bit. I get being stressed and not making good food choices and skipping the workouts and all; like, the “excuses” make sense but....I’m not done losing weight. I’m not where I want to be. I’m definitely better than where I was, and while that’s great, I still got more to do. Maybe with this new kennel job, I’ll be forced to be more active [potentially working 25 hours per week instead of just 20]. I’ll probably post an updated weight-loss/management plan in a bit. 

But yeah, that’s pretty much the recap. Made amends with my best friend too, she (thankfully) dumped her loser boyfriend that I had issues with and we were able to talk things out/I was able to tell her what my issues were with him and she was able to ACTUALLY hear me out instead of having him try to twist and control and manipulate things. I’m thankful she’s away from that and we can get back to being us. She doesn’t know I’ve lost weight. She doesn’t know about my weight loss goals or plans or anything like that, so it’ll be interesting to see if she comments at all [and with a 15-20 pound weight loss since we last saw each other, I’d really hope that there are some obvious improvements]

That’s it for now, I guess.

Thanks for letting me ramble, O great void of Tumblr (because no one reads this shit anyways. LMFAO)