#i started drawing this after the first episode of downfall came out and then i forgot about it oops

[piratespencilart]

The Dawnchild.

[seas-of-silver]

My Lila Rossi Analysis

So when I did this poll, you guys said that the thing you wanted most to see was random thoughts/headcanons I have about characters, and it took me some time to dig it out, but I found my lil dive into Lila Rossi, so I figured this'd be a good place to start.

It's gonna be a long one, so imma put it under the cut, but send me an ask if you wanna know any thoughts I have on other characters!

So about a year and a half ago, I was talking with @p-artsypants (via my personal account) about Lila Rossi, and we noticed how instead of reassessing herself and her moral compass when confronted with obstacles or conflict, she just escalates:

Chameleon episode: "You want me to stop lying? Hah! I'm going to threaten you instead!"

Oni-Chan episode: "You think I can be a better person? Jokes on you, because I'm teaming up with Adrien's dad to spy on him. But the fun doesn't stop there because I'm also teaming up with our favourite local terrorists, Hawk Moth and Mayura!"

Ladybug episode: "You think I'm going to back off because you've stopped coming after me? Fool! I'm going to orchestrate your downfall!"

Lila goes big and doesn't go home, which is partly why she's so dangerous. We wondered why she didn't escalate further after the Ladybug episode, especially after that moment with Adrien, and so this is my theory as to why:

Okay, so in Ladybug, we have the (what I like to call the “assertive Adrien Agreste moment”) confrontation between Lila and Adrien:

Adrien: (sits next to Lila) I warned you once already, Lila, but you didn't listen. You hurt my friend Marinette, and that's not okay. Lila: Me? Hurting Marinette? But she's the one who- Adrien: I don't know how to prove you lied, Lila, because you're good at it. So you'll just have to come up with another lie, just as convincing. Only this time it's gonna prove Marinette's innocent. Lila: Why would I do that, Adrien? Adrien: Because we're friends, aren't we? (Lila looks over at Nathalie, who gives her an approving nod from the Agreste car)

The underlying context here is “get Marinette reinstated in school and absolve her of wrongdoing or I will expose you for the liar and manipulator you are”. They both are aware that this is a confrontation/negotiation, this is evident in their tonality and cadence, especially once Lila drops her act.

Lila has been waiting for something like this for a while, as he hasn’t been dancing along to her tune like the rest of the class - especially when it came to Marinette. So she tests him, keeping up the act until he directly addresses the issue, trying to figure him out.

She learns a few things from this interaction:

1. Adrien, on some level, loves Marinette.  How, I hear you ask? First off, because of this interaction from Oni-Chan:

Adrien: (angrily) Nathalie and my bodyguard got reprimanded last time because of you. Lila: I’m sorry, Adrien. Please, I didn’t mean to. Adrien: Lila, you can always count on me. But not if you hurt the people I love. (walks away)

Here, he is evidently angry about the damage she potentially caused to the careers and livelihoods of two people he dearly cares about (people he loves and trusts, his relationship with them spanning years), but still states that as long as she doesn’t hurt the people he loves, he can be a friend for her - and he’s genuine about that, even through his anger. “You hurt the people I love, but as long as you don’t do that again we’ll be okay.” This was his first warning to her.

Skip to Ladybug:

Adrien: (sits next to Lila) I warned you once already, Lila, but you didn't listen. You hurt my friend Marinette, and that's not okay.

With the context of his altercation with her in Oni-Chan in mind, it’s evident how different the sentiment is here. “You hurt someone I love and that’s not okay.” Marinette (someone he’s known only for months/a fraction of the time he’s known Gorilla and Nathalie) was hurt by Lila and he’s ready to draw blood. He loves her - probably more than he does Gorilla and Nathalie (people he considers to be family to him). She is his weakness.

2. She found loopholes in his wording. What loopholes, I hear you cry. This loophole, I reply:

Adrien: ...So you'll just have to come up with another lie, just as convincing. Only this time it's gonna prove Marinette's innocent. Lila: Why would I do that, Adrien? Adrien: Because we're friends, aren't we?

If he explicitly stated that he’d expose her lies and manipulation, she would have, in all likelihood, stepped up to the next level (maybe two if she was feeling it) in retaliation. But he didn’t, he went implicit, interestingly using the very desire that drove him to enrol in school in the first place as his thin veil over his threat. Here, he is not genuine in his mention of friendship - here, it’s: “You fix this mess and I’ll keep up the pretence”.

So here’s the two loopholes:

A) Fulfil this request (demand) and she wins the facade of friendship with Adrien Agreste to exploit. B) The request (demand) only includes the proving of Marinette’s innocence, nothing further.

He’s implying that he wants her to stop targeting Marinette completely, but since he hasn’t stated it explicitly, she won’t see the need to hold herself to that as it’s not part of the deal, so she doesn’t need to up the stakes. She’s still free to target Marinette.

3. She can hurt both Marinette and Adrien with one cleverly destructive plan. She knows they care (love) each other deeply, and that they hurt when the other is hurt, so she can exploit this knowledge to her advantage in a “kill two birds with one stone” style approach.

This is then made all the sweeter to Lila when she later discovers Marinette is seemingly oblivious to Adrien’s involvement in getting her reinstated, highlighting to Lila that they are both trying to protect each other but aren’t communicating that with one another.

Marinette: People should know better. Things aren't always what they seem to be at first sight. So look, I don't know why you felt the urge to start all this, or why all of a sudden you lied to fix this mess, but I'm glad to see you're capable of coming back to your senses. Sometimes. Lila: As you said, things aren't always what they seem to be at first sight. (walks off)

While unconfirmed, Lila probably suspects Adrien doesn’t know about the bathroom threat from Chameleon.

So all Lila needs to do is adjust her plans to include the new target of Adrien Agreste to her pre-existing targets of Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Ladybug. Things are already interesting at this level, and she doesn’t feel forced to “level up” if you will, so she’s content with staying at the threat level she’s currently at.

Here, she can have fun.

Here, her plans (while altered somewhat) haven’t really changed course - she’s managed to get Marinette expelled (showcasing both the unethical responses/conduct from the school staff - I just completed a unit on this very topic last semester - and that Adrien was the only one who consistently spoke up in Marinette’s defence), sow the seeds of doubt about Marinette in the minds of her friends/classmates/cohort (undermining Marinette’s trustworthiness in the eyes of her peers), and she still managed to present herself as the victim - even with the reinstating of Marinette - earning compassion from the very peers that are questioning Marinette’s character. She is in a great position, and she’s not going to sacrifice that, not when she’s got her foot in the door to truly fulfilling her threat towards Marinette.

Oh! Also, for the whole thing about “stepping up to the next level of evil instead of re-evaluating her moral compass” thing? We have an explicit canonical moment about that very aspect about the monster that is Lila Rossi - again from Oni-Chan:

Oni-Chan: Do you get it now? I'll hunt you down wherever you go. Just give up on Adrien, and I'll stop tracking your every move. Lila: Alright. I'll give up... on Adrien. (horn grows) Oni-Chan: You're an awesome actress, but you're lying. Your horn betrays you, see? It will only disappear once you've sincerely given up on Adrien. Lila: But how could I possibly give Adrien up? I love him so much! It's too hard for me, honestly! You can't ask me to do that. The only thing that would persuade me to give him up if you got rid of Ladybug for me. (smiles sinisterly. Oni-Chan smiles, very impressed.) Hawk Moth: (from his lair; intrigued) This Lila girl is... astounding! Oni-Chan: If that's the only thing that will make you give him up, I'll do it. (attacks Ladybug)

In the comments section of Details, Details by Lady_of_War_and_Heartache (ongoing), the author and I have this massive back-and-forth about a whole host of topics in relation to ML, and we discussed Lila at one point, and I made a list of all of Lila’s crimes/acts in relation to crimes from S1-S3:

Lila does not deserve a redemption arc. She is a horrible human being and thrives off it, full well knowing EXACTLY what she is doing. She has committed so many crimes already that she is predisposed basically to much more and becoming a most dangerous threat. Truancy, lying and manipulation, defamation (to Marinette, Jagged Stone, Clara Nightingale, Chat Noir, Ladybug, Prince Ali, to name a few), sexual harrassment (to Adrien), bullying and physical and psychological harassment and threatening (to Marinette), theft, framing others for theft and physical harrassment (to Marinette), falsely claiming to suffer from mental and physical disabilities for personal gain, falsifying claims/connections in relation to a royal family (to Prince Ali and Achu), willing and active involvement and association with known terrorists (Hawk Moth/Shadow Moth and Mayura). And these are all the things we are aware of canonically from S1-S3. Lila is a pathological liar and utilises this for personal gain without remorse. Lila is in position to potentially become the future Hawk Moth alluded to in Timetagger.

And, because I forgot about the aforementioned moment in Oni-Chan, we can add conspiring to attempt murder/grievous bodily harm to the list.

Lila Rossi is a psychopath.

Now, what does this mean for Lila's future in the show?

We've seen with every confrontation the characters have with Lila that she is smart, she adapts, and she evolves. She learns from her pervious losses and becomes a more dangerous threat every time she pops up. The fact that she didn't really do much in S4 indicates to me that she will become a massive threat in S5/S6; she's bound to have something brewing, and when it's revealed, it's bound to have a devastating impact. I think it's safe to say we all suspect her of becoming the "new Hawk Moth" that Timetagger foreshadowed, but I think what's uncertain is exactly how she will achieve this, and how brutal this will be on our heroes, our villains, and on Paris as a whole.

Does this mean she is not redeemable?

Me of a year and a half ago would say "yes". Me today would say "no". As @ladyofthenoodle pointed out in a discussion on discord, it's probably too hasty to label a teenager as irredeemable, and I agree. Teenagers are still growing and developing, and are still in need of life experience and maturity. We know teenagers don't have all the answers, we know they will make mistakes and rash decisions, we know they will be easily swayed by their emotions.

We also don't know enough of Lila's backstory to be able to say conclusively what is going on inside her mind. There's possibly some motivator there that needs to be addressed, likely in therapy, with a healthy support system to help her navigate her way to a better place in life. She's still young, and needs love and support, much like any other character in the show. She's no Snape (who I firmly believe is irredeemable, and will probably be the focus of my next character rant XD); she has potential to be redeemed. Whether or not she will be redeemed in canon is another matter.

[object-show-analysis]

Why does MePad lie?

This is a question I was asked to answer a while ago. So let’s talk about it.

Now it is a fair question. Why would MePad lie to MePhone about where Marshmallow was if he doesn’t have emotion? He claims that he can’t feel anything, so why’d he make the choice to lie to MePhone

the answer to this one is pretty simple, (and most people I’ve talked to seem to agree with this, I’m just here to put things into words the best I can) but the main reason MePad chooses to keep where Marshmallow is a secret (despite the fact that he cannot feel anything for her) is that he’s a liar.

Marshmallows whereabouts aren’t the only lies he tells in episode 11. Kick The Bucket parts 1 and 2 are the only instances in which MePad mentions his inability to feel emotion. And I am positive that this is also a lie.

Let’s go over the facts

Season 2 Episode 2 we are introduced to MePad. Right away he is established as very different from MePhone in many ways. Mainly through his friendly demeanor, and his compassion. In his first episode, MePad is incredibly friendly. We see him “smile” throughout the episode and he seems to show compassion towards the contestants

As early season 2 goes on we continue to see a wide range of emotions from MePad

He shows sadness or anger when arguing with Toilet. He becomes sarcastic and sometimes even rude towards MePhone. Which, while unkind, is still an emotional response. But he’s also shown to be incredibly compassionate. From the start he applauds MePhone for caring so much about the contestants, though MePhone shuts him down.

One of the biggest indicators of this sense of compassion comes from his behavior towards his fellow assistant/cohost, Toilet.

MePad and Toilet are both hostile towards each other in the beginning of the season, though MePad doesn’t understand exactly what Toilet has against him. Their talk in the falling balloon opens MePad’s eyes to the reality of the constant workplace abuse that Toilet experiences. From that point there is a very obvious shift in MePad and Toilet’s behavior.

MePad takes time to give credit to Toilet, even when it isn’t deserved, in the name of trying to get MePhone to recognize him. He works with Toilet in an attempt to get MePhone to let him read the votes. And when MePhone shuts Toilet down again, MePad appears angry with him.

It is important to note here that MePad is not one for open confrontation. He never actively stands up for Toilet but he takes steps to ensure that Toilet gets the recognition he deserves. When MePad is upset about something, he dwells. Never directly asking for answers but trying to figure things out on his own (we’ll get back to this point in a moment)

Episode 13 and 14 give us a lot of insight into many characters, and MePad is no exception. As episode 13 comes to a close, this unwillingness to actually stand up against MePhone becomes his greatest downfall. MePad tries at first to insist Toilet would never mean any harm, but when push comes to shove MePad stands with MePhone. As Toilet turns to him for help, MePad can only look away.

MePad clearly has some inability to directly fight back against MePhone, even when he really wants to. It’s a limitation of his.

We see in this scene and in future scenes how Toilet leaving emotionally effects him. MePad is visibly distressed when Toilet leaves, and later becomes angry with MePhone for trying to get rid of his memories again and abandon the contestants. Just another example of MePad responding in very emotionally driven ways

But I’m rambling now. Back to the topic at hand, MePad and emotions. I do believe his emotional expression is very clear, but also lore wise it would only make sense for MePad to have emotions.

It was confirmed on tumblr that the Meeple products ability to feel emotion has been on a decline since MePhone4. MePhone4 being the most capable of complex emotion, and the phone that attacked Toilet (commonly assumed to be MePhoneX) being the least emotional that we’ve seen so far. We see MePhones be capable of emotion up until MePhone6 (though they could still be capable of it. As we don’t see much of them, or 6+)

Timeline wise, we know MePad was created somewhere between MePhone4 and MePhone5 (he was most likely built before MePhone4S as well, though we aren’t entirely sure). But this means that MePad should be even more capable of feeling than 5, 5S and 5C (who we know can all feel emotion.)

Case in point: MePad Does feel emotion. He absolutely must in order to line up with the confirmed lore, and what we’ve seen in the show.

Now with that out of the way we can circle back to the original question: why does MePad lie to MePhone about where Marshmallow is.

I don’t believe it was his original intention to do so, as he seems concerned for her well-being at first. And doesn’t seem to have any intention of lying when he first confronts MePhone about it.

However Marshmallow doesn’t leave his mind. Even though he tells Toilet that he’s been watching the competitors, we see he’s also got Marshmallow’s drawing of Bow with him. He’s been thinking about her, and the other contestants as a whole.

MePad is unsure why Marshmallow would choose to leave, but I believe this is the moment where he comes to his own conclusion. MePad notes to Toilet that he’s realized how miserable the contestants are. He sees their struggles and how much the competition is ripping them apart. Toilet re-solidifies this idea, as he shows he relates to the contestants in their need to please someone without ever getting anything in return, which MePad knows makes Toilet miserable.

When we see MePhone and MePad together again after this conversation, that’s when we learn MePad has lied about knowing where Marshmallow is. Because he knows why she never came back. He understands now that this was a bad environment for her.

So he makes the decision to let her be. It’s unclear what he thought would happen if he told MePhone where she was, but it’s possible they’d try to bring her back. And he understood that wasn’t what she wanted.

But there’s still one question that remains: why does MePad lie about not having emotions?

MePad’s ability to feel is mentioned twice in Kick The Bucket. Once in part 1 and once in part 2. Though his story changes throughout the two parts

In part one he claims that he can’t feel Much. Which isn’t a complete lie, as I already stated his emotions aren’t as strong as MePhone or the contestants. Though there isn’t much of a visible difference.

But in part 2 he states that he can’t feel Anything. Which surprises MePhone. It’s also important to note in this scene he appears very distressed Until he claims he can’t feel.

It’s unclear exactly what he hopes to achieve by claiming he has no ability to feel. But as I’ve already discussed, there was a clear shift in MePad’s understanding of the game in episode 11. He now sees Inanimate Insanity for what it really is, and all the pain that comes with it. We don’t know his exact reasoning. But it’s clear that this realization is what caused him to begin to lie about his ability to feel.

I hope this answer was satisfactory

[conretewings]

DEMON SLAYER: THE BEACH EPISODE

(From: The husband who steals the phone to make a half baked post)

Tanjiro was assigned to find and kill a demon on the eastern shore. He was not phased on going solo due to the location.

Zen would spend time chasing women or hiding in sand ditches. And Inoskue...well he would be attacking umbrellas and kicking over sand forts.

"Well Nezuko, once when we get you back into a human form, I will take you here first thing!" The pure bean said to his sister. He could not see a way to have her outside here, it's mostly sun and only shade from the umbrellas. Some storm clouds of foreshadowing coming from the horizon. It would also seem tough for a demon to be there normally.

Sure enough, when he arrived, the beach was surprisingly not crowded. He learned from an old man shouting exposition, that people found this cursed after some disappearances. In his view, there were some families and couples, but it was not swarming with folks.

The Demon was...easily seen. There was a fort of umbrellas in a dome shape. The Japanese Kanji for "Menacing" was all over the place. So Tanjiro boldly went over to the fort and opened to see...no one. It may be here, maybe under the sand. But if so, it would be a tough challenge.

The Pure Bean decided to ask around on the dissapearences. He learned that they all had one thing in common. All were winners of a surfing competition. He could guess they were lured and then killed. "Why didn't they shut down the competition?" He asked out loud.

But he knew why, small towns must have a tourist attraction. Money flows and community grows. So there was only one thing to do. TRAINING MONTAGE! Multiple and detailed scenes played of Tanjiro learning to surf, and how to dress for the gig. Nezuko was not with him on these, rather in her box safely surrounded by towels and under an umbrella. With heart's drawn in the sand around her.

The day would come for the competition. This would be tough, as many folks were joining in for this. They knew the risk, but the game and money was worth it. Soon, the race started. Tanjiro, swimming to a high tide. His sword was left with his sister. He dared to not cheat. He was too pure for that.

A surfing montage later, and he win first place! It was so amazing you would have to see it. Words could possibly explain the thrill this competition had! If the writer wasn't lazy. The crowd cheered and confetti was thrown! Women in scantily clad kimonos carried him off to receive his prize! When it was all done, he grabbed his things and waited. Sure enough someone was standing in the shadow fort. Beckoning him over.

The demon was about 5'10 tall. A slim but slightly muscular figure. They seemed vary androgynous is looks. Whatever this demon used to be, was hard to tell. They had dark red lips, and matching eye makeup. They wore a short amount of beachware. Good to entice anyone. (Just incase folks wanted to draw the demon because people thirst for a nice demon)

"Congrats on winning! That was so amazing! Why don't you come on over and I can write about you! I've been doing a book on the culture here and the winners!"

Tanjiro was on his guard, he knew this is a trap for their victims. But he had to do this! So he went over, as soon as he got close, the wholesome smile of the demon twisted into a maniacal grin.

"Fool! You have no idea what you've done! I could sense that you were a demon slayer. But you came here anyway! You want to know why I targeted those surfers? Well too bad! I don't owe you anything! But I'll take everything from youuuu."

Tanjiro was shocked! But he could sense the string to kill. So he charged in. His blade glo6ing blue as he was about to speak his attack. This demon seemed overly confident, which could be its downfall.

The Demon howled as they swung their arms back, about to attack with their unique demon abilities that only that have!

Suddenly strong winds came from afar as storm clouds arrived! Blowing the umbrellas in full force! The ends of these, came with such force from the winds. That it impalled the Demon through their arms and neck! Not many knew how deadly umbrellas can truly be with the power of wind. (Seriously)

The Demon, pinned down, was in shock! But no matter. They can certainly get out of this and get back to killing the demon slayer! All they have to do is---

Tanjiro, shocked by the turn of events, started to whistle as he took down the surrounding umbrellas in the fort. Letting in beams of the remaining sunlight, pierce through, and slowly burning the flesh and blood of the Demon. They screamed in agony! Ohhhh the pain! But no one would hear.

The beach crowd long left when they saw the oncoming clouds. Many left right after the competition was over. Only Tanjiro was there to see the Demon losing life to the beams of the sun. Tanjiro then promptly cut off their head, before removing the umbrellas that were impaling it.

The Demon, on its last bit of life, remembered their past! They were once a young--- Tanjiro threw the head in the sky towards the sun. Having it burn upward. He did shed a tear, as his did for almost every demon.

When nothing was left, he picked up an umbrella, and walked back to headquarters, to tell everyone the full details.

This filler episode is sponsored by Crunchyroll.

[wangxiandecoded]

Episode 4 (& Wangxian Meta)

Previous Episode | Next Episode

(Spoilers for the whole show ahead!)

Cultivation Partner

Episode 4 opens with shots of the Lan clan’s rule books that drowned Wei Ying the night before. As explained in this amazing observation by a fan, the only rule that is visible in the shot is the one which states a Lan clan member should not take off their forehead ribbon unless in front of their parents or cultivation partner, despite the show using the word “wife”. This is a strikingly gender neutral change for a show that is going above and beyond to establish that the heroes are in love without being allowed to do so explicitly.

Wei Ying is Whipped, Lan Zhan is An Ice Prince

Wei Ying is like a puppy in constant need of love and affection from Lan Zhan, isn't he? It is so important to him that Lan Zhan forgive him, befriend him, laugh with him, spend time with him. Oh Lan Zhan, if only you would look past who you are supposed To Be and admit how cute he is.

There are only two people who can make Wei Ying wear this "guilty 5-year-old who stole the candy he wasn't supposed to touch" expression, and that's Lan Zhan and his Shijie.

Wei Ying earned my respect with the number of times he tried to get the attention of his crush in the initial episodes. A true inspiration! 

Look how excited he is to see Lan Zhan! And look how gorgeously framed they are to once again remind us they are soulmates in life and the battlefield. 

Lan Qiren and Wei Ying’s Disagreement Is The First Seed of his Downfall

Wei Ying angers Lan Qiren in this scene by suggesting they harness resentful energy the same way they use spiritual energy to his hypothetical question, when such a thing is unheard of, unnatural and contemptible in the cultivation world. He gets kicked out of the lecture for his answer, foreshadowing his fall from grace.

The interactions between Wei Ying and Lan Qiren are always strained, and understandably so. He is no stranger to the grim consequences of demonic cultivation after having raised two kids who were caught in its crossfire. Lan Qiren follows the traditions he values above all else down to a T. Wei Ying's method, be it now or when he actually starts practising demonic cultivation, is something that strikes him as being almost perverse. But are him and the other cultivators right in classifying Wei Ying as corrupt for going down that road? Wei Ying simply considered a logical but forbidden path people have not dared to think about. His ideas are out of the box and definitely not the orthodox thing to do but should he be labelled a villain for it? The cultivation world and Wei Ying just have two vastly different approaches to the same problem. The line of thought separating a genius and megalomaniac is pretty thin after all, and Wei Ying's heart has never been guided by anything but pure intentions and an unwillingness to sit back in the face of injustice.

But Lan Qiren's generation and all of the cultivation world would not understand that. And what they do not understand, they fear. The order of their world is sustained only by the stratification of black and white. This is indisputable and there is no other variable to it. Heck, it even takes Lan Zhan a long time to accept it is Wei Ying who is right and the rest of the world that is wrong.

Lan Qiren represents the ancient "natural" order of the world and Wei Ying's disrespect for what reveals itself to be a suffocating system leads to the new, better, inclusive order with revised perceptions of right and wrong that Wangxian end up creating. Even if this new world comes with a great cost. The story leaves us with the questions, who is right and who is wrong, after all? Who are we to dictate that and set them in stone? 

(On a less serious note, I don't know if it's because I've seen this trope in many Asian dramas, but I found it funny how Lan Qiren is questioning Wei Ying simply for the purpose of belittling him by finding a blind spot in his intelligence. Even though Wei Ying is easily the smartest guy in the room, whose heart of gold and morally grey choices paint him as a villain. It gave me "mother-in-law who despises the woman who's going to marry into their family" vibes. Lol!)

Is The Untamed A Tale of Righteousness Or A Queer Romance? Both, Always Both 

Somewhere in this war that will happen between Wei Ying and the rest of the cultivation world, between what can be considered right and wrong, honor and disgrace, the natural and unnatural ways of life (which are all codified into an absolute, immovable binary), there is a metaphor for being different in a world that is hell bent on excluding you for being thus. And you know what Wei Ying’s whole journey reminds me of? Of our heroes being queer. If you haven’t thought about it, the parallels do exist in the story, becoming obvious when Lan Qiren punishes Lan Zhan for questioning the fallacy in the same rules that made him lose his lover, and culminating with Lan Zhan irrevocably taking Wei Ying’s side in episode 42. He chooses to be on the “wrong” side with Wei Ying, orthodoxy be damned. (I’d hate to be Lan Zhan's uncle who is implied to be homophobic and ends up having a son-in-law.)

It might be early in the story to bring this up but The Untamed is at its crux, a story about two different guys who come together for the same cause and fall in love on the path of justice, while struggling to safeguard the definition of morality they know in their hearts to be true. Their soulmateship is woven inextricably with living with a clean conscience and doing the right thing even when the world tells them they are grossly incorrect. (Eat that, Romeo’s and Juliet’s! What life-or-death challenges did straight romance ever face?) That’s how Wangxian’s upright lifestyle (which only they know to be just and others frown down upon) doubles as a metaphor for their relationship. Some people support it, some don’t, some even deplore and oppose them for it because they think they are committing a crime. Doesn’t change the fact that we, the audience, can see that they are right (and that they’re in love). In fact, it is precisely because they chose the single log bridge together (because they fell in love) that led to balance being restored in their morally corrupt world.

It’s the many little things like this about our two heroes that make the world of The Untamed undergo a transformation for the better. We don’t talk enough about the fact that Wangxian together overthrow ancient, draconian laws that decreed what is black and white, by swearing an oath to protect the powerless together but also by swearing an unspoken vow to be together forever. And one can hope, especially if you’re a queer person who fell in love with this story, that the world and most of Asia will see the light about the LGBTQ+ people one day, like the other characters realized Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were not criminals but the best of human beings who simply lived life the only way they knew as being honest with themselves and true to their hearts. They need not spend their lives on the lonely bridge of darkness, and deserve a wider path of acceptance built by and shared with the rest of the world, one that shines under the broad daylight, because they have always, always been in the right. Like Lan Zhan and Wei Ying have been. It’s that everyone else is slow to catch up with them. 

It Is Doubly Hard For Lan Zhan To Do The Right Thing 

Lan Zhan in this scene recites the rules he has learnt verbatim and his uncle beams. It is clear he takes pride in Wangji being his prized student and the perfect example of who a duty-bound clan member should be. The person Lan Zhan used to be makes it that much harder for him to rebel against his own uncle later. I cannot imagine the courage it took him to unlearn the principles he had centered his life around after they turned regressive, and acknowledge that they did more harm than good by viewing an expanding universe through an achingly narrow vision. 

Wei Ying was born free-spirited and defiant so his choices are not totally unexpected. But Lan Zhan's choices make him lose his reputation as the unwavering bearer of light, along with the respect of his uncle who had placed him on a pedestal and vice versa. Once again drawing the comparison that turning his back on the world and ensuring his conscience was clean is the same as siding with Wei Ying, the man who he loves and was wrongfully denounced by everyone. 

In summary, Episode 4 shows us the polarity between our heroes and the lives they lead. And after all, it is the most basic rule in the book that opposites make the perfect formula for a romance.  

What Gay Messages Is The Show Sending?

In the new world order Wangxian write by themselves when no one else can, for Lan Zhan to choose Wei Ying means to choose an honorable life, and to choose Wei Ying also means to choose love. Their love for each other is the last standing untarnished virtue in the contaminated world that is already unravelling when Lan Zhan declares his love for Wei Ying in public and the first virtue in this new world that came into existence all the way back when Lan Zhan and Wei Ying launched the lantern together, deciding to stick together and be the voice that speaks out for the voiceless. It is Lan Zhan and Wei Ying’s love for each other that redeems the sorrows of the past, and paves the way for a greener future in their world. Their love story is undoubtedly the most extraordinary part of The Untamed and we are privileged to have seen it in our lifetime.

It is groundbreaking, if this metaphor for their gay love story was at all intended in any way. Even if it wasn’t, Wangxian are the queer heroes that have been sorely missing from our history. Their story propagates that people like Wangxian are liberated only when we realize we have to foster and feed the very thing that makes us different. The odds are we are the only ones capable of knowing that we are right, even if everyone else condemns and invalidates something as vital as our existence. For the sake of our clean conscience, we go on living life the way we see fit because that’s what living an honest and honorable life entails. That’s what Lan Zhan and Wei Ying would want us to do. We are all ridiculously ahead of a time that is running to keep up with us. So..

[petra-deserved-better]

Prompt from @himebee-5 Rivetra list.

“Petra getting injured/aggressed and we see her trying to overcome the trauma with some help of Levi and the squad and her other friends (Nifa/Nanaba)

(There was also the other prompt about Petra having a panic attack on the other list that I combined with the above but I forgot to write it down sorry!)

Pairing: Levi x Petra

Cannonverse

2795 Words

——————————————————————————

It had been two months since the incident on their last expedition, one month since she’d been deemed well enough to return to active duty. She loved her job, she’d been desperate to get out of medical and back to work. It was what made her present situation more frustrating, this couldn’t keep happening, every time she promised herself it would be the last time and every time she was wrong.

Sooner or later someone was going to notice. The thought terrified her. They would think she was weak, that she wasn’t ready to go outside the walls again. They’d give her desk duties!

The thought of that alone caused Petra to take a few deep calming breaths, the worst had passed already but her heart was still pumping a little too fast, her ears ringing a little too loud.

She flushed the chain of the toilet cubicle she had been hiding in, just in case anyone was outside wondering what she was up to. She walked over to the sink and splashed some cold water on her face. Her reflection in the mirror was a sorry one, her cheeks were flushed, her eyes swollen from panicked tears. She splashed more cold water on her face, she didn’t want to draw attention to herself, if she waited just a few minuets more it wouldn’t be obvious she had been crying, she just hoped no one had noticed her absence yet.

The door to the women’s bathrooms swung open, and Petra cursed her bad luck as Nifa walked in, she paused when she saw Petra and cast a critical eye over her appearance.

“What’s wrong?” Nifa asked softly, but the spark in her eyes showed that the softness would melt away if she thought someone had wronged her friend.

Petra loved Nifa, outside of her squad she was the person she was closest to in the whole of the survey corps but that didn’t change the fact that she was the last person Petra had wanted to run into. Nifa was altogether to intuitive and right now Petra had a secret she needed to hide. It was part of the reason she’d been avoiding Nifa since she came out of medical a month ago.

“My injury was hurting a bit after training that’s all.” Petra said quickly, it was the first thing that had come to mind. She was a terrible liar so she’d gone with a half truth. Her injury did ache mildly when she trained now, the excruciating pain of the first week or two of her recovery was still fresh in her mind and so she thought the excuse was plausible.

Nifa arched a perfectly plucked eyebrow at her and Petra felt her stomach drop a little, she knew Nifa wasn’t buying it.

“Is Captain Levi working you too hard, because I can tell Squad Leader Hange to speak to him if you want?”

“No!” Petra cried a little too loudly. “No, honestly he’s not.” She laughed a little self consciously.

“Are you sure? You know Hange isn’t scared of him like the others, she’ll tell him to lay off.”

“Please don’t.” To her dismay Petra felt a lump form a little in her throat as she spoke, she was a crier at the best of times, but at the moment she just couldn’t seem to keep her emotions in check. She cleared her throat and gave Nifa a weak smile. “Honestly, Captain Levi isn’t working me too hard at all. If anything he’s going easy on me which he never does.”

It was the truth, she’d practically had to beg him to let her return to active duty as early as he had. He barely gave her half the exercises he had before her accident when they were training and seemed to be always finding excuses to send her off on stupid errands instead of getting her to do laps or push ups with the squad. He’d even mentioned her staying behind when they went outside the walls again next month. It made Petra sick just thinking off it. He’d been there when the titan had grabbed her on their last expedition outside the walls, he’d seen the whole thing, he was the one who’d sliced the nape of the monsters neck seconds before it had been able to swallow Petra whole. He hadn’t treated her the same since, he was disappointed in her she was sure of it. Every day she lived in dread that he was going to tell her she couldn’t be part of his team anymore, and then what would she do. She had planned to devote herself to this fight, she was devoted to him, life without her captain seemed meaningless.

Which is as why it was important that her squad mates and her Captain never found out about these episodes she kept having. No one could know the truth.

“Petra,” Nifa’s voice came out softer than usual she reached out and squeezed Petra’s arm. “I just want you to know, if you ever want to talk about what happened on the last expedition I’m always here.”

“Thanks, but really I’m fine now. I Just can’t wait to get back out there.”

Nifa huffed, Petra was pretty sure she knew she was lying.

“Ok, just promise me you’ll be gentle with yourself, some injuries take longer to heal than others.”

Petra nodded and rushed out of the bathroom as quickly as she could, Nifa was kind but she didn’t know what she was talking about, Petras ribs were healed, she was fine, she just needed to get back out there and show everyone she could fight titans without making any mistakes this time. Then she would be ok, then she would be back in control she told herself. She just had to get through the next few weeks without anyone noticing how far from ok she really was.

XxxX

The titans hand was huge and it loomed over her. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t breath, she could barely think her heart beat was pounding so loud in her ears. The gigantic hand inched closer slowly, if she could have moved she could have got out of its way but she couldn’t make her body work, her arms and legs were heavy, tied down by invisible weights. She opened her mouth but she couldn’t even scream. White hot pain spread through her chest before the titans hand had even reached her. She could smell the stale stench of its breath. The pain in her chest grew worse, her throat ached as she desperately gasped for air that she couldn’t seem to get into her lungs. In a few short seconds it would be over, this was it, she was going to die! If only she could move, she just needed to…

Petra sat up in bed with a strangled cry, tears were streaming down her face and her heat beat was still wild in her ears, but she was in her room.

“I’m safe, there’s no titan. I’m safe, there’s no titan.” She closed her eyes tight and repeated the words over and over until she felt the panic begin to subside, only then did she dare open her eyes again.

She took a moment to anchor herself into her small room. She looked at each item carefully, her desk, her chair, her little trunk that contained her uniform and some civilian clothes, her boots sat neatly next to her door. She looked at the slim line of dawn light that peeked through the gap in the curtains that hung on her small window. She told herself over and over that she was safe. When she finally felt calm she cursed the fact that it had happened again. The attacks were becoming more frequent.

She was still shaken when she went to breakfast later that morning. The boys on her squad were more like brothers than friends. Usually she reveled in their lively banter but today it grated on her nerves, she felt jumpy. She told herself she was being ridiculous, she was in the middle of the Survey Corps headquarters, there weren’t going to be titans hiding round corners waiting to grab her. She needed to get a grip. Her squad was doing fitness training today and she could barely wait to get started. She knew that once she was doing her workout her mind would be focused and she would feel better.

“Hey Pet!” Oruo clapped his arm round her shoulder and Petra felt herself jump out of her skin. She knew it was an over reaction but she pushed him away harshly anyway.

“Jesus Oruo are you trying to give me a heart attack.” She snapped.

Oruo held up his hands defensively. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I’m not scared.” She said sharply.

“Are you ok?”

Shit. She knew Oruo was often misunderstood by people because he had a tendency to show off, but Petra had known him since they were five and knew him better. He was loud and a little bit of a smart mouth but he wasn’t stupid. He’d been asking her if she was ok on an almost daily basis these days and although she knew him well enough to know his heart was in the right place she didn’t have the mental composure to keep telling him she was ok when she wasn’t.

“Get off my back Oruo you’re not my keeper.”

She knew she was being unfair but she was rattled, she was jumpy and she was scared if she tried to answer his question she just might tell him the truth. To make matters worse she saw Captain Levi entering the mess hall, she couldn’t face him right now either. She grabbed her coffee and stood up.

“I’m going to go get some laps in ahead of training.��

She left quickly before any of the boys could ask awkward questions.

XxxxxX

This was why she loved to train, she thought as she ran laps around the training room. Her mind was focused, the slight burn of her muscles as she ran was a welcome distraction.

She was entirely focused on the task at hand. That in the end was her downfall, she hadn’t heard anyone else enter the room, she thought she was entirely alone, when she caught sight of the shadow of another person in her peripheral vision it was her undoing.

Her brain jumped to the most unreasonable conclusion, there was no rationalising, no sensible thought. It all happened too quickly, her mind screamed one word at her.

Titan!

She was in the forest again, and she didn’t see the Titan in time again, and it’s hand grabbed her again squeezing the life from her, inching her towards certain death inside its stinking mouth.

No,no,no,no,no.

Her heart raced wildly, her hands tingled, her vision blurred, she could hear the sound of herself sobbing as if she was listening to someone else.

She wasn’t sure how long it had been when the panic finally began to subside. Slowly her surroundings came back into view. She’d some how managed to get herself to the corner of the room, her knees up to her chest her arms curled protectively around herself. As she blinked to clear her vision the sight nearly made her wish she was truly back in the titans grasp- There staring at her with his usual half lidded expression was the one person she hadn’t wanted to see, Captain Levi.

“So, how long have you been having panic attacks?”

Petra’s mouth fell open as she tried to think of an excuse, some explanation. But there was no way she could explain away what he’d just seen, her secret was out. She dropped her head back down into her knees in despair. She heard the Captains footsteps walking away. She waited for him to return. She wondered if he would bring Hange or just one of the nurses who worked in medical, she wondered if they would let her rest some more or discharge her from the military altogether. She felt thoroughly miserable.

She barely registered the sound of his footsteps returning till he was practically in front of her, she summoned up the courage to look up and to her surprise it was still just the captain. He handed her a glass of water and Petra took it numbly.

To her immense surprise the Captain then sat down on the floor next to her and handed her the handkerchief he kept in his pocket.

“Thank you.” She said quietly as she took it from him and wiped the trail of tears from her face.

“You should drink that.” He said indicating the glass he’d handed her.

Petra obediently sipped her drink.

“How long?” He asked again.

“Oh, well, um, actually…” Petra faltered, as she wondered how she could down play what he had just seen without lying. She knew without a shadow of a doubt she could never lie to her Captain.

“Tch, tell the truth brat.”

Petra smiled slightly, she wasn’t sure how her Captain always managed to make the insult sound like an endearment.

“Since the incident on the last expedition.” She said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry Captain.”

The Captain let out a long sigh and Petra closed her eyes and waited for him to tell her the words she’d been dreading, that she was off the squad. Instead to her surprise she felt his hand pat the top of her head, just for a split second, so quick she wasn’t sure if she had imagined it.

“People don’t almost end up as Titan shit and then just carry on like nothing’s happened. If I’m honest your lack of reaction was starting to concern me.”

Petra sighed, it felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest now someone knew the truth, it would almost be worth the consequences, almost. She glanced at her Captain, he was looking off into the distance, it gave her the confidence to look at him more closely she studied his profile trying to remember every detail of his face for later. Her chest felt hollow at the thought of not working under him anymore, not seeing him every day.

He turned to look at her, the sudden directness of his gaze made heat rise in her cheeks and Petra had to look away. She swallowed and took a deep breath, her father has always told her there was no point delaying the inevitable.

“Sir, I completely understand if you want me off the squad.”

“There are teas that can help,” he said as if he hadn’t even heard her. “Of course they only help with the symptoms. You need to actually talk to someone about them, rationalise your fears in order to really conquer them.”

“Yes sir.” She replied quietly head still down.

“In the mean time you can still train as normal but I don’t want you going out on any expeditions until your better understand.”

Her head snapped up, her eyes met his, her heart skipping a beat barely allowing herself to hope.

“You mean I’m not off the squad.”

“Why would you be off my squad?”

Joy bubbled through her, she felt dizzy with relief, without thinking she threw her arms around her captain. She only recollected how completely inappropriate her actions where when she felt the Captain jump at the contact. She pulled back, the Captains eyes were wide with shock and if Petra had been feeling more herself she might have noticed the blush that coloured his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry sir!” She said clapping her hands over her mouth in embarrassment. “I was just so sure you wouldn’t want me within a mile of the squad when you realised how weak I’d become.”

He frowned at her. “You would never have made it back from so many expeditions if you were weak Ral.”

“Yes but I almost didn’t make it back last time and now I’m a mess.”

An almost imperceptible dark shadow passed across her Captains face as she spoke.

“Well just make sure that doesn’t happen again ok, that’s a direct order. Speak to Hange she’ll be able to point you in the direction of a suitable Doctor.” He said standing up.

“Yes sir.” She replied also standing. “I’ll go speak to hange now.”

She left feeling lighter than she had done in the last two months. She had no idea that she had struck terror into the heart of the man she left behind for the second time in as many months. First when she’d almost gotten killed by a Titan and second when she’d spoken of leaving his squad.

[weirdagnes]

💄RUDOLF’S DRAG RACE AU 🏁

ALRIGHT SO this AU originally started in our Yeah We Outlasting discord server, artists started drawing the characters in drag and I WOKE HMSHD real shit man. So I'm making a masterpost for drag au on behalf of the server✊✊

Outlast 1 = Season 1

Outlast 2 = Season 2

Whistleblower DLC = All Stars

All of the characters and ideas for the characters were written in collab with @gothivican, @panopt1c0n, @grahaam and the rest of the lads in the server, y’all have such beautiful brains. So anyways.

Here are the judges:

Rudolf Wernicke. Lowkey bias, literally goes to the backstage and tells Miles to beat Billy Hope in a lipsync because Billy can't continue on the show for some reason. Has favoritism towards Blaire, but was forced to sashay him away by the other two judges. Also this bitch is dying, literally has a breathing tank support behind his chair.

Pauline Glick. A very sharp critic. Wore the same shoes? Call out. Oh that's your signature makeup? UGLY tone it down. Sorry, the colors don't match, you'll be in the bottom two for that.

Paul Marion. The kindest judge. He will give constructive criticism in the nicest non-offensive way possible and compliment them after (because he would feel guilty about it).

Alice as guest star. Supportive as f u c k, huge fan, she cries when meeting the queens in Untucked. She can't help complimenting the queens every 10 seconds, she gives off the Leslie Jones’ enthusiasm.

Lisa Park as guest star. Like Alice, very supportive. She’s an artist, and will break down all the reasons why they are so good from an artist’s perspective. Crushes HARD on Wyssle Blower, she might’ve given her number after the show.

Lynn Langermann as guest star. She’s a judge, and she will judge. Gives out well constructed criticisms to all queens fair and square until she saw Angel Fromm (Blake) and just says “Wow what’s there to criticize?” Sallyzekiel hates her, Valentina and Angel on the other hand loves her very much.

 Here are the queens:

Miles Upshur as Kill-O-Meter. Primarily an insult comedy and rocker queen, and specializes in dancing. She tends to be criticized for a lack of glamour on some of her main stage looks, and is one of the most dramatic, sarcastic and shady queens of the bunch. Can and will stomp on you in latex boots for money. Besties with Wyssle and Chrisel, gets into a little heated talks with (occasionally) Peacock, (frequently) Ricky and Remy. She adores Cheets’ (Pyro) makeup skills. Winner of season 1 babey!!

Chris Walker as Piggy Chrisel. A punk/grunge queen who seems to specialize moreso in dancing and lip syncing. She's a shy, gentle giant, has a little trouble speaking coherently and it affects her in the acting/impromptu comedy challenges. She will call out whores though, she will kick ass when the situation calls for it. Really good at makeup, makeup girl-friends with Cheeto and besties with Kill O Meter (Latrila vibes). Also a perfectionist and hates mess on her work table.

Rick Trager as Ricky Trix. Whore, that's all. This bitch OBNOXIOUS and shady but she's both a glamour AND comedy queen, the other queens are watching out for her since day one. Horror and '80s inspired queen, extremely good at comedy and acting and will literally stomp the competition with nearly perfect impressions and extremely expressive acting. The downfall for her seems to be glam on the occasion and singing. Rivals with Kill O Meter and Miss Tini, kikis with Remy (they throw shade to other queens the moment they get em)

Father Martin as Miss Tini. The oldest queen but she can still serve the cakes. Generally a kind person, coming from a religious background. She’s takes the drag culture religiously. She gets along with The Twinks.

The Twins as The Twinks. Was recruited as two totally separate queens, but both quit on the first episode when one of the twins were to be eliminated. The queens tell the Twinks apart by who’s bald and who’s not. They don’t vibe with other queens except Miss Tini.

Pyromaniac as Cheeto de LaFlammeo. Queen of Makeup, she has some serious skill range on it. Good in the acting department, always plays as the tragic character. Was rivals with Kill-O Meter before, but one time when she had a breakdown, Kill-O Meter was by her side when no one was. After that, they respected each other.

Billy Hope as Billy Willy. CLOWN QUEEN, huge Crystal Methyd vibes. She’s the youngest queen, very energetic, a ball of SUNSHINE but Wernicke was a bias bitch and sent her home immediately the moment she was in the bottom. She was basically Kill-O Meter and Wyssle Blower's drag child. Hailed as Miss Congeniality, is voted by majority to return for a season 2 for going home a little too early than people feel was deserved. Best at makeup and outfits, her mom Tiffany taught her to sew and make dresses out of rags and other unconventional materials and the skill proved to be helpful. Also she likes puns and everyone likes playing with her name like: Silly Billy Willy, Witty Billy Willy, etc.

....

Waylon Park as Wyssle Blower. The Mom of the queens, the most well rounded queen, and the most 'fishy' one. Probably the smartest and most humble one out of everyone, she can read through people’s bullshit well. Genuinely looks like a girl in full drag, but always does her best on acting. She's serving you a cute, nerdy and quirky style, but can serve horror when need be. Always wins the mini challenges, she's not as loud as the other girls but she does beat Blaire in a lip sync (lowkey badass lipsyncer). Winner of All Stars babey

Jeremy Blaire as Remy Coco Ainée. Pretentious fake ass queen, even her drag name is just Cocaine in fake French. A pure fashion glamour queen, she serves it at almost all the fashion challenges but there's no more personality out of her other than that and her shady attitude (she will not hold back on the shade). Is extremely horrible at singing (her voice cracks) and acting, goes home against a lip sync with Wyssle. This bitch will FLEX her wins. Kikis with Ricky, mainly rivals with Kill O Meter, Wyssle and Peacock but she made everyone her rivals bc of her bitchass attitude.

Eddie Gluskin as Edna Taylor. Fashion queen, specializes in sewing, acting and singing, but is extremely lacking in the dancing department. Has a one-sided endearment for Waylon, and consistently tries to have her attention. Is extremely manipulative too, trying to consistently trip the other queens up. Also everybody hates her mohawk signature wig but nobody says anything about it because they don’t want to be victim to Edna’s mind games.

Frank Manera as Hanni Canni Bahl. Horror queen, best at comedy and dancing. Though it is prohibited, she’s able to sneak in weed, coke (for Ricky) and snacks in the werk room. Very messy when working, her discarded fabrics are EVERYWHERE and Chrisel is fighting the urge to clean it up. She eats while working when the camera’s off, and it stains the dress she’s working on (Pauline notices it).

Dennis as Denise. Mocked as “Edna’s little helper” as she always helps with her dresses. She’s trying too hard to impress Edna, and helps her get Wyssle’s attention. Very talented in acting and sewing, but bland in fashion, lacking in concept. Her inner conflict is what got her eliminated.

Simon Peacock as Julie Peacock. Rebellious, mischievous, and an ex-glam queen gone horror and campy instead. After being insulted much by glam queens (ahemRemyahem), she just embraced it and became a horror queen, serving the judges her horror aesthetic. Best at comedy, lacks extremely on acting and dancing though. No one is safe from her constructive criticism, and she will never stop ranting to Kill O Meter and Wyssle about Remy and Ricky being bad bitches and favored by Wernicke, she thinks it's unfair.

....

Blake Langermann as Angel Fromm. Singing queen!! Good at singing, but otherwise is moreso well-rounded, she might've been eliminated earlier, hadn't it been for her also low-key successful and iconic lip syncs. But the lucky winning streak didn't last forever, she goes home later in the season because she's slowly falling behind the other queens and can't keep up anymore. Has Rococo aesthetic, unfortunately the outfits can't make up for the lack of character as a queen. Though she needs a lot of improvement, the guest star Lynn adores her very much.

Val as Valentina. Queen of SEX or moreso impersonations and comedy. She’s a terrible tailor, but likes unconventional and simple fashion designs. She’s trans and lowkey Pauline has a crush on her the moment she walked on that stage. Pure rivals with Sallyzekiel, you know that iconic Aja vs. Valentina in Untucked? They had that moment. Probably goes home earlier, not entirely prepared, but still was a season icon. Definitely dropped it low about 10 times on her lip sync.

Marta as ImMartal. GOTH QUEEN, survived about early mid season. Best at her makeup and looks, glam queen, but the judges criticize her for wearing the same wigs/having the same hairstyle for almost every looks.

Nick Tremblay as Nicky Lanterns. Another gentle giant. Very introverted, she has a difficult time socializing with other girls because she’s generally not a very loud person. Really bad at makeup, her fashion sense is somewhat okay but it’s always on the ‘safe’ level. Pretty good at slapstick comedy, writing and concepts tho. It’s a wonder how Nicky and Lard Imp became “friends,” they’re complete opposites.

Laird Byron as Lard Imp. Whore, Exhibit B. Extremely rude, louder than Remy and Ricky themselves, and has a weird love/hate obsession with Angel for some reason. Everyone hates her, even Rudolf himself, and Lard Imp isn’t her original drag name but ultimately they came to a point where they just called her Lard Imp. Constantly denies the judges’ and the queens’ critiques, very delusional about winning the season and that’s why she’s the first one eliminated.

Sullivan Knoth as Sallyzekiel. The Big Bad Bitch of the season. Ultimate rivals with Valentina, constantly bullies Angel. Marta used to be friends with her, but after talking shit on Valentina, she says fuck you and defended Val. Glam queen, has an affinity for shoes but damn girl terrible makeup and padding. Really good with speech, acting and impromptu.

So far, here are the character designs we have made!

(1) Blake and Trager by @/pan0pt1con

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Waylon, Chris, Simon, Eddie, Miles and Jeremy by @/gothivican

(1) Billy, Miles, Chris, Wernicke, Pauline, Paul and Alice by @/weirdagnes

[hobbitkiller]

She-Ra, Supergirl, and Tangled: A Tale of Three Female Relationships: Part 2

*SPOILER WARNING FOR SHE-RA, SUPERGIRL, AND TANGLED: THE SERIES*

For those of you just tuning in, I’m taking a deep dive into 3 female relationships in 3 of my favorite tv shows that all turned into toxic messes at some point. The point of this series of posts is to exam these relationships, where things went wrong, whether there’s a chance for redemption, and what conclusions, if any, we can draw from these relationships about media’s representation of female characters and female relationships.

Oh, and shipping, ‘cause this is tumblr after all...

So, in Part 1 I gave a summary of the female relationships in question in these three shows (Adora and Catra, Kara and Lena, Rapunzel and Cassandra). I also summarized how these relationships began and when they started to go wrong. If you already know that stuff because you love these shows too, you don’t necessarily have to go back and read it, but doing so is always encouraged.

In this installment, I will be exploring 3 themes related to the festering resentment within these relationships: Mother Knows Best, Chosen Ones, and Itty Bitty Boxes. Follow the jump to get started!

PART III: MOTHER KNOWS BEST

I’ve heard a few people claim that Mother Gothel is not a top tier Disney villain. She doesn’t have the following that characters like Scar or Maleficent have. However, at the same time, I’ve heard many people saying something along the lines of “This is my mother.” There’s something uncomfortably familiar about Mother Gothel in Tangled. I recognized the same putdowns and microaggressions that I used to get from my stepmom in Gothel’s targeted jabs at Rapunzel’s confidence throughout the movie...all done with a smile and “It’s for your own good” attitude.

A lot of media focuses on the relationship between fathers and sons. Mothers in Disney have historically been silent or dead. (Except Perdita. That bitch was awesome). 

This, of course, makes it interesting that 5/6 of these characters have verbally (and in some cases physically) abusive, manipulative mother figures. And for Adora and Catra and Rapunzel and Cassandra, that mother figure is the same.

Here are our three abusive mothers:

Shadow Weaver who raised Adora and Catra:

Lillian Luthor who is Lena Luthor’s adoptive mother (and played by the absolute joy to watch that is Brenda Strong):

And, of course, Mother Gothel who kidnapped and raised Rapunzel for most of her life and is the SPOILER biological mother of Cassandra:

There are, of course, good mothers sprinkled in. Rapunzel’s biological mother, Queen Arianna is great once she actually gets lines in the TV show. Lena’s birth mother was also, by all accounts, a very kind and loving person. Kara has two moms, and while both have flaws, both are inherently good people (particularly Eliza Danvers, her adoptive mother).

However, in spite of the presence of some positive examples of motherhood, the relationships between all three of these pairs is heavily influenced by the three narcissistic women above.

All three of these women are dishonest, withhold affection only to give it away as a special treat, and actively manipulate their children. Yet, at the same time, the children can’t help but seek approval. Adora and Catra both feared and desperately sought approval and affection from Shadow Weaver. Lena tries to cut ties with her family, but keeps being drawn back in when Lillian admits pride at her accomplishments or that she does, in fact, care about her. Rapunzel sought affection from Gothel growing up because she was her one human contact, and, when Cassandra learned the truth of who her mother was, Cassandra desperately wanted some validation that the mother who abandoned her loved her on some level.

These mother/daughter relationships scarred 5/6 of our characters (Kara has her own hangups about her mother, but not on the deeply psychologically scarred level as the other five.) 

Adora is mockingly called paranoid by Shadow Weaver for understandably thinking the woman who lied to and manipulated her her entire life was up to something. Catra pushes everyone in her life away emotionally for fear of being hurt (only to create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they leave due to her behavior). Lena is constantly scared of being “betrayed” and manipulated. When she’s hurt by Supergirl asking Lena’s boyfriend to snoop on her, she says it was “something my mother would do.” When she and Kara first became friends, Lena was reluctant to do so because of the trust issues from her family (Lex Luthor is obviously also a manipulative, abusive jerk). Even Rapunzel, the embodiment of sunshine, has lingering trust issues. In the Season Three episode “Beginnings” she explains to Eugene that one of the reasons she likes Cassandra is because Rapunzel spent 18 years with someone who lied to her, whereas Cassandra was forthright and said what she was thinking.

Cassandra’s mother issues are a little more complicated. When she was four, Gothel abandoned her in order to kidnap Rapunzel and Cass was adopted by the captain of the guard. Cassandra has deeply repressed this memory by the time we meet her when she’s 22/23. Then, she’s given a glimpse of what life was like with Gothel:

Early in the series, Cass talks about how her father instilled in her the value of “earning my keep.” It’s clear here, though, that love as a transactional relationship had been instilled in Cassandra early in life: “And when it (love/affection) came, it came with strings.” 

This transactional view of relationships is something shared by all 5 members of our “bad moms” squad on at least some level. Adora constantly feels the need to fix things and be useful to her friends. Catra thinks if she just wins enough or is good enough, maybe Shadow Weaver will finally love her. Lena’s approach to relationships largely revolves around buying things for them and trying to unilaterally solve their problems for them without their input. Rapunzel has to go through an entire episode to learn that you can’t buy friendship through doing nice things, and that she doesn’t have to. Cass ties her self-worth deeply to her usefulness to others. They all struggle to find internal validation at times.

The other way mothers play a part in the downfalls of these relationships is the element of competitiveness. This is an issue with Adora and Catra and Rapunzel and Cassandra. As previously stated, both of these couples share a mother figure. And, in both of these couples, there is a deep resentment on the part of the non-golden haired child toward the other. Shadow Weaver did not hide that Adora was her favorite. She frequently praised Adora while berating and abusing Catra even when both had done equally well. Even when Adora abandoned Shadow Weaver and Catra for the rebellion, SW was more concerned with getting Adora back than appreciating the loyalty and accomplishments of Catra. 

Mother Gothel literally gave up Cassandra to take Rapunzel.

Both Catra and Cassandra feel completely overshadowed by the blonde in their lives, and part of them can’t help but think that, if only Adora or Rapunzel were out of the way, or had never existed, maybe they would have been chosen as the favored one.

This, of course, brings us to our next topic:

PART IV: CHOSEN ONES

I’ve never been a big fan of Ron Weasley. I didn’t read the Harry Potter books until I was in my twenties (yes, compared to many of my readers, I’m old), and I think this lead to me being less charmed by his humor or bullying of Hermione than I otherwise might have been. I found his temper aggravating and he is just...the worst...in the sixth book. Like, he purposely starts dating someone to punish Hermione who had already asked him to Slughorn’s party because Ginny pointed out that Hermione had probably kissed the guy she was dating TWO YEARS AGO. No, seriously, read that book again. That’s what happened. Then the seventh book happens and it turns out Dumbledore KNEW Ron was going to ditch the team at some point...

That being said, as I sat down to write this novel-length meta, I found myself thinking about what it’s like to be the support team for the “chosen one.” In the seventh book, Ron could have stayed at home with his pureblood family. He would still be in some danger due to their involvement with the Order of the Phoenix, but it would have been a lot safer than traveling around with “Undesirable No 1.″ Yet, because he loves Harry, he chooses to go on this mission. 

In the three pieces of media we’re discussing, 2/3 have literal chosen ones--characters with specific destinies of supernatural origin: Adora and Rapunzel. Kara also largely fits into the trope as someone sent to earth from afar to “save us.” As I somewhat jokingly said in the first part, all three of these pieces of media feature a blond super-powered person who needs to save the world.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be the best friend or “sister” of the person who’s “burdened with glorious purpose”?

On the one hand, it’s constant fear over that person’s safety and wellbeing. On the other, there’s a bit that can’t help but feel resentful. Imagine having a friend that overshadows every accomplishment you’ve ever had seemingly by virtue of just who they are.

Now, of course we know that it’s no easy road being a chosen one. There’s a lot you have to sacrifice, and it usually involves injury, near death, and a boatload of trauma. And the support teams know this. For some, it’s never an issue. But for others...

In She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Adora, to Catra, always had the presence in her life of a chosen one, even before she got the sword and became She-Ra. Shadow Weaver had sensed something powerful about Adora when she was a baby, and thus treated her as the “Golden Child” to Catra’s “Scapegoat.” 

This idea of the “Golden Child (GC)” versus the “Scapegoat (SG)” rolls a bit into this issue with “chosen ones.” In toxic, narcissistic families, parents often hold up one child as the great one while the other is the one to blame for their problems. Think Olga and Helga in Hey Arnold! (Is that reference too dated for some of you guys? Man, I’m old. Also, I remember finally being old enough to realize Helga’s mom was an alcoholic and it blew my mind.) This also usually entails encouraging a level of competitiveness between the siblings.

In some ways, it’s like a “chosen one” is the whole world’s golden child. Anyone who researches this dynamic knows it’s abusive to both the GC and the SG, which is clearly displayed in She-Ra when Adora is stressed by the pressure of expectations and the knowledge that her mistakes will most likely be taken out on Catra. That doesn’t change the fact that Catra resents the positive attention (the adoration if you will) Adora gets--that, no matter what Catra achieves, it will be nothing compared to Adora.  This resentment is a big part of what fuels the escalation of their personal conflict leading to one of the saddest pieces of animation since Fry’s dog died sad and alone on Futurama. In the Season 1 episode “Promise.” (This is, by far, the best episode of the series), Catra airs all of her feelings she’d been repressing about what it felt like living in Adora’s shadow--how it made her feel like a “side kick,” something Adora never consciously tried to do and is shocked to discover.

Cassandra on Tangled:The Series has similar feelings about her role in Rapunzel’s life. Not only is her best friend the one with the magic hair and great destiny, but she is also her boss and monarch. Aside from the two songs I included in my last post, “Waiting in the Wings” and “Crossing the Line,” this conflict is best demonstrated early in Season One in the episode “Challenge of the Brave.”

Cass didn’t suffer abuse in quite the same way Catra did (though Gothel was the worst mom for her first 4 years), but she does feel disrespected and overshadowed by Rapunzel even before learning about Gothel. In “Crossing the Line”--a song many likened to “Let it Go” when they first heard it, Cassandra lays out these feelings further:

There’s a line between the winners and the losers.

There’s a line between the chosen and the rest.

And I’ve done the best I could,

but i’ve always known just where we stood.

Me here with the luckless.

You there with the blessed.

Now, when this song first came out, there were negative reactions from some fans. How could Cassandra call someone who had been kidnapped and locked in a tower with the neglectful and verbally abusive Gothel for 18 years “blessed”? But, from Cassandra’s perspective, Rapunzel still gets everything, power, respect, etc., purely because she was born a princess while Cass has worked incredibly hard her entire life to achieve one goal, becoming a guard, and is constantly denied.

With Lena and Kara in Supergirl, the resentment, again, is mostly between Lena and Supergirl for most of their relationship. Multiple times during the show’s run, Lena has expressed concern about human’s relative helplessness in the face of aliens like Supergirl who have power. This is why Lena sees some of her shadier actions such as making Kryptonite or trying to give humans super powers as justified. She doesn’t go to the extreme levels of hatred that her brother Lex does, but that distrust in those who are naturally more powerful runs throughout the family as does the resentment that aliens have seemingly usurped the leadership role among humanity that should have belonged to the Luthors.

What makes this interesting is that, in most of her relationships, Lena, as a billionaire, is the more privileged and powerful one. This is really best demonstrated in her relationship with James Olsen, whom she orders around as his boss while buying him expensive gifts and going behind his back to fix his legal problems. And for much of their relationship, this is how Lena sees her relationship with Kara. It’s not a manipulative or cruel thing. Lena just sees Kara as her adorkable reporter friend who is hapless in the face of danger.

Then, all of these preconceived notions come crashing down when Lena learns that Kara is Supergirl. Suddenly, she learns that her hapless friend was actually playing her the whole time--that she was stringing Lena along and pretending to be only human. 

Lena’s resentment may not be as explicit in this case as Catra’s or Cassandra’s, but it is layered within all of the emotions Lena Luthor is pretending not to have.

This, of course, leads us to our final subject for today.

PART V: “ITTY BITTY BOXES”

I’ve mentioned a few times throughout this novel-length meta the word “repressed.” Catra, Lena, and Cassandra are not good at expressing their emotions in a healthy manner. Much of this can be blamed on the aforementioned mother figures and the trust and intimacy issues that having narcissistic, abusive parents can lead to. 

Narcissistic parents often place the burden of maintaining the emotional wellbeing of the family on the children. It is your job as the child to make sure they don’t get upset. It is you who has to keep the cool head and maintain the facade of positivity. Parents like Shadow Weaver, Lillian Luther, and Mother Gothel do not see it as their responsibility to help their children regulate emotion or address it. To them, “negative emotions” are character flaws.

Of course, anyone who’s watched Inside Out knows that emotions aren’t inherently good or bad and feeling, addressing, and understanding them are vital to good mental health.

Too bad Inside Out wasn’t there for Catra, Lena, or Cassandra growing up.

Instead, each of these characters has learned to bottle up and hide emotions like sadness, fear, hurt, and true, deep anger. Lena even outlines her approach to such feelings when helping Brainy, an alien who is basically like an organic computer, solve a problem:

I was not the only person that was reminded of this gem after that scene:

Putting emotions away in an imaginary box is a real technique for keeping yourself from becoming overwhelmed in a situation where you need to focus. However, “forgetting the box existed” is not the appropriate use of the boxes. They need to be opened, and the feelings addressed. 

Catra is interesting, because in some ways she’s very vocal about her frustration and anger. Yet, that surface level frustration manifests in yelling at her friends and subordinates over their job performance or just being a general jerk. It’s not an expression of her true, deep feelings. Catra doesn’t let anyone see the deep levels of hurt she feels when Shadow Weaver manipulates her to join Adora. Instead, she just almost destroys the world...as you do. Season 4 in particular features a Catra who is more mean to her friends than ever before, yet she is still repressing so much of her true feelings to the point of mental and emotional collapse.

Cassandra also struggles to express her feelings, particularly to Rapunzel. Part of it might be because Rapunzel is her princess, and it’s not Cassandra’s place, but it’s also something she struggles with in general:

The above line occurs in an episode where Rapunzel knows Cassandra is mad at her and keeps pushing her to share her feelings. As we can see, Cass is not a big fan of that. Even though they talk at the end of the episode, it’s clear that there are still some hurt feelings on Cassandra’s side that she doesn’t express until she has electric blue hair and is singing a rock ballad about “Crossing the Line.” This is also fascinating because, as previously stated, one of the reasons Rapunzel likes Cassandra is her honesty. But, like with Catra, Cassandra can be honest about surface level annoyances, but intensely represses anything deeper.

All three of these characters let their emotions fester until they become deadly infections that poison their relationships, not just with their best friends, but with everyone. Many of these relationships could have been diverted from their dark paths if there had been more honest and open communication both between the characters and internally. If Lena acknowledged the real reasons why she was hurt when learning Kara was Supergirl, if Catra had been honest about feeling overshadowed and pitied by Adora, if Cassandra had expressed the pain she was feeling in her relationship with Rapunzel, things could have been different. Instead, those feelings have turned toxic.

NEXT TIME IN THE NEVER-ENDING ANALYSIS:

Blond Bulldozers 

I Don’t Care (I ship it)

Just going to do 2, because 3 subjects were a bit much.

Hope to see you there.

[prismcaster]

I just had the most amazing experience!!!

I am going to do a little back story here, because it has been quite a while since my last post...

So, my grandfather, who was the the only person in my entire 35 years of existence that I never felt the need to question if he really loved me. Any way, super long story, shortened because I don’t feel like getting into that right now, he passed away three months ago.

In the time since then, i began to question my choice of kicking spiritualism from my life. You see, since my father, i chose that purposefully, because calling him dad would insinuate that he ever truly gave a fuck about me, or my sister.... but anyway, he used and still probably does, use his religion as an excuse to punish his children for doing him wrong.... which is typical narcissistic behavior.

Which speaking of, i recently read a book called Narcissistic Father, and it literally explained him to me perfectly! It actually made the fact that he has something wrong with him mentally, make me feel so much better about myself somehow.... because well, it turns out, it really is his fault, and none of it is mine. So definitely check out that book!

So since I have all these odd feelings for him because of these things... I cast “religion” out of my life completely. I figured, religion had to be fake, because no religion would keep a parent from their child, so i cast it out 100%. It was so bad, i began to believe that when you die, you just go. I believed that when you go, there is nothing, it just ends, and that your body decomposes, giving it back to the earth you were born from, and that is that.

Then the depression came in. Because there is nothing. Nothing else. And if I couldn’t have my family back, the way i thought it should be, and that at the end of all this pain, there truly is nothing, then what is the point in being in pain forever? And contemplated suicide while laying in the floor in my art studio in complete darkness.

But i thought,” that’s stupid, you didn’t die from cancer and you’re thinking about this right now?! What the fuck, you idiot!” And i got up off the floor, switched the light back on, wiped the tears from my eye’s, and started to draw again. This eventually led to me cutting my arm open, and telling someone months later, and finally getting the help i needed to be able to get better.

Therapy was such a blessing. I truly recommend it. Talking about your problems with someone you are literally paying to listen to you, and paying to keep their opinions to themselves, is a blessing in and of itself. I also strongly suggest journaling. When ever i felt bad, i would write to myself... it helped me explain what i was feeling to myself so that i could finally start to process what was actually happening in my mind so that I could start to slowly solve my own problems.

As i did this, a strange sense of accomplishment came over me suddenly, as i realized that the saying is true, you have to create your own happiness, and also, that you have to love yourself if you ever hope to love anyone else.

So i kept working on myself, and one day, my sister mentioned to me that she had picked up a ouija board at a garage sale. Immediately, for some reason, i said, let’s do it! And we called our other sisters, and planned our first seance. The four of us went all out. We put white candles everywhere , took it very seriously, and experienced the magic of ouija for the first time.

Now, it took a while of hitting dead ends which what we were communicating with, but one day, the mother lode of insane things happened! My cousin came through the board, and after confirming neither of us were moving the planchette, and that this truly was who they said they were, i realized that the end isn’t really the end, but that there really is more, and my life started to change more and more.

I eventually decided that since I didn’t enjoy coloring any more, that I should make a coloring book instead, that way other people can color my art work, and make it their own.

Then, in the midst of this, I decided that I wanted to make my own ouija board, but not call it a ouija board.... so the google searches began.

My sister and I started a podcast, and i used that as an excuse to do an episode on the ouija board, as an excellent excuse to do deep dive research on the boards themselves.

Using this info, I knew I needed to make a spirit board, so I started to work on drawing a design, while also trying to figure out how to make it.

One day I realized “hey, i could make this design up on my ipad and turn the background off, and turn this into a png file, and cut it out with your cricut!”

So i immediately set to work on that, while still trying to figure out how to make them. Finally one day, i discussed this idea with my husband, and he suggested resin on wood. And so it began.

So far, i have made around 30 or maybe more, boards, and yet, i still do not have my own! Maybe some day! Anyway, so that was done and in progress, I left my job that was sucking me dry physically and emotionally, started pushing myself harder, was finally trying to live my life for me, instead of trying to live it the way i thought my father would have wanted me to.

I was truly happy.

And then my grandpa left us.

I collapsed hard. But I had to try to keep it together at the same time because my grandma needed me... my mom needed me.... and my sisters needed me. I fought it as long as i could.... but eventually i broke under the pressure, and re visited my therapist, whom I have decided I am just going to continue to see monthly just in case.

Turns out, I was handling grief the right way.... which I am sure surprised her a little, being as how she had diagnosed me with ptsd a few years prior.

Since his passing, i have not touched a board, or held a pendulum, and not because I am afraid he will talk to me.... but because I am afraid that he won’t. As a 100% Irish Catholic man, I am not sure if he would come through the board or not, although, i do think that he would think it would be funnier than hell to scare us.

I have however found something to believe in. Paganism. No judgements, no frills, just love, paganism, and I will never look back.

After I decided to “come out of the broom closet” so to speak, and openly declare that I am a magical being, things started changing fast...

I finished my coloring book, and most importantly, feel mentally healed. I can’t even begin to explain it, but I will try....

First, after grandpa’s passing, I realized I had learned a few things. For example, that you shouldn’t take those you love for granted, which is when i realized he was the only person who had shown me unconditional love my entire life, no matter what. I also learned from that, the passing of the person who took care of me like a dad, that all I was doing was punishing myself for something someone else did, and that I needed to stop. And you know why?! Religion!

The same damn thing that i tried so hard to keep out.

You see, my grandpa was a wonderful dude. In my entire existence, i never heard him say a negative word about anyone. And most notably, whenever he heard me say anything bad about anyone, he would tell me that I couldn’t change them, but I should say a prayer for them.

It was this phrase, which i had repeated to me over and over again, that now finally made sense after finally realizing the true power of religion. You see, I couldn’t change my father, but, I could change the way he effected me. So, i made a little testament outloud, i moved on.

But then i realized, that if that was the case with that, maybe I needed to be more open to the idea, of religion being legitimate. So i started some research again. But this time, as homework for the tribe I was planning to join. I researched goddesses, because If I was going to pick a deity to start working with, they had to be a strong female.

First up, came Athena. And i truly believe she has been with me, allowing me to get through all of my life’s battles, without me even knowing, for years.

I studied greek mythology in college because I was fascinated by it, and was floored by the parthenon, and the giant statue of Athena that stood inside, and even insisted on visiting the replica while in Tennessee for my sister’s birthday.

Coincidentally, it also turns out that she is the goddess if wisdom, arts, and crafts, so i knew she was the one for me.

Tonight, after my full initiation into the group, i went to the full moon ritual, and was asked some very prying questions by what I will refer to as the “mega crone” and I was forced to question a lot about my choices right then, in front of everyone, and ended up crying while explaining all of that to them , and not really all that well.

But i left there thinking that I needed to let go of the idea of needing to know everything, and just go with the flow.... knowledge is nice, but too much knowledge can have it’s downfalls as well. But also left me wondering how I ended up on this path.

So here i am, telling a long ass background story to get to the damn point!

I was feeling emotional after getting home, and decided to light a candle for my great aunt who is in the hospital, and try to meditate for a while.

Normally, when I try to meditate, I don’t feel anything, and also don’t normally see much, but It’s like I can envision it, even though I can’t actually see it... imagination! Which is something I had cast out of my life a long time ago as well.

So tonight i was ready. Whatever happened was going to happen.... and if grandpa communicated with me while i was meditating I would deal with the emotions and just go on. I turned on my favorite meditation video, and jumped right in... and it fuckin worked! I could feel the ground and see lights, it was so magical! I wish I could explain the trees!

Then, after i processed that I am magical, that I can truly take my own pains away, which set off a mini party if thoughts in my mind, i refocused, and realized that athena had actually been with me my whole life. She got me to grandpa somehow when he was living thousands of miles away, so that I could continue to see and feel what true love is. She was with me through the shit storm that was my youth... and stood with me as i learned to fight for myself, and get up.

It was right now that I realized I am truly magical.... i am loved.... i am perfect the way i am..... i am enough. And if anyone ever should stumble upon this ramble, and stuck with it until now.... know that you are all of those things too! And if you don’t agree, i hope maybe my path will inspire you to get to know yourself, and see what incredible, life changing things could be in store for you.

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019

*arrives a month late*... Happy 2021 to all of you, my dear followers! *raises a glass* It seems that my tendency to finish my artwork or personal posts on time has only gotten worse over time (I blame work *lol*). Oh well, better late than never, since there are things I would still like to take with me from this extraordinary year of 2020.

It is cringeworthy that I have two huge red X-s this year. But after I'd put these puzzle pieces together, I remembered far too well what was going on in my (work) life at the time, so it's completely understandable why I didn't have the time nor the energy to draw at all during those two months.

What were those typical statistics that I wrote about again to compare the years? *goes to read last year's post*.. Oh, right! In 2020, I managed to finish 3 full digital drawings (from the months of April, July and December) as well as work on several sketches. I wrote 28,154 words worth of fanfiction (oohh, that's a lot better than previous year), plus 3,126 words in English (I dare say I wrote an equal amount in Estonian) for the prompts I got during UYLD (making the total 31,280 words, which is quite impressive!).

I finished reading the 1st Kyoshi novel in the evening of the 20th and slightly past midnight on the 21st December (barely before the holidays, but I set this goal for myself and I did it!). Am already looking forward to starting with the 2nd part some time this year. Besides that, I ordered and received all the other new Avatar books that came out (3rd part of "Ruins of the Empire", "Katara and the Pirate's Silver", "Legacy of the Fire Nation") as well as BOTH Avatar series DVD sets (I still can't believe I found these on sale on some random online store in Estonia, but these are now among my most prized possessions!).

I finally started my Avatar rewatch last January, but merely got to the Ba Sing Se episodes in Book 2 (I need to continue with "The Earth King") and now it's been 5 YEARS since I last saw Korra. Reading through my journal personal posts from last year, I know far too well that it's not about rushing through it as fast as possible. Instead, I should enjoy the ride and continue watching the episodes when I'm well rested and in the right mood. That way I'll end up feeling much more at peace.

As for the entire year as a whole? I don't think anyone in this world of ours was prepared for the way this decade would begin - with an uncontrollable pandemic, the virus of which is randomly attacking and threatening to wipe out the weakest amongst us. If any of you (or even if you know someone who) have lost a loved one to this plague, there is not much else I can offer but my sincerest condolences! Me, my family, friends and colleagues seem to have managed to avoid catching it so far. *spits 3 x over her shoulder*

I had such high hopes for this year in so many ways. Event-wise I was looking forward to watching the Eurovision Song Contest in May (where Uku Suviste was supposed to represent Estonia for the 1st time ever after so many unfortunate failures to get selected as the winner of our local competition), the European Football Championships in June (asking my colleagues which countries they support, perhaps make fun bets / guesses with them to see whose team would win the matches), the Tokyo Olympic Games in July-August, the President of Estonia (Mrs. Kersti Kaljulaid) coming to visit my hometown to celebrate our Victory Day by taking part in the parade together with the Defence Forces (after 15 years *sigh*)...

I will always remember my last big event, which took place when life used to be "normal", so to say. It was the 102nd anniversary of Estonia on the 24th of February, when I took part of all the most important celebrations in Tallinn on our Independence Day, FULL-TIME (whenever I scroll through my Facebook timeline, I see the photos I uploaded of that day, my heart melts and I smile fondly). But the day after that.. utter hell broke loose. We had our first infected person in the country.

I will also remember the last day I went to work in "normal" conditions. Friday, the 13th of March (typically my lucky day-number combination): I missed the tram I wanted to get on in the morning, at work my team received great news that one of our colleague's family had grown bigger by a new tiny member the day before, we had our last team lunch together, we discussed the safety measures that we should take and joked about what might happen next week, I took the bus home instead of the tram (as the tram's route came from the airport and that place was considered to be more dangerous and with a higher risk of catching this virus).. It was another 2.5 weeks later by then (since the 25th of February) - Estonia (along with the rest of Europe) went into full lockdown.

The beginning was frightening and people were on edge, nobody really knew what to do nor what was gonna happen next. But in time, things began to shake into place and everybody developed a comfortable routine for remote work, including figuring out how to get everyday things done (such as grocery shopping). I found solace in taking photographs of various beautiful bird species, who began to fly around and serenaded me during spring, visiting the trees around my "nest" i.e. rented apartment (with a pair of them ACTUALLY building a nest in the chestnut tree right beside my window, thus turning me into a protective godmother of their chicks).

To be honest, I was awestruck by the positive / surprising aftermath of this lockdown: how the world / environment began to heal itself from the pollution that was normally caused by humans. I was taken aback by how dead silent our usually loud capital became in my neighbourhood (I could only hear trams passing by my house according to their schedules, practically no cars whatsoever, streets were empty of people.. absolute silence).

By May-June, things started to look up in Estonia (as well as the rest of Europe) and people were allowed to start travelling / moving around more freely. During my vacation in July, I managed to go to my last (open air) event (for the rest of the year) under these new "corona" conditions and ended up having a blast at the Open Farm Days in my home county for the first time.

Our country's shining moment came during the first week of September, when we hosted the first ever Rally Estonia of the World Rally Championship (WRC), where our very own Ott Tänak and Martin Järveoja won. The event was so well organized and successful that nobody caught the virus nor did the spectators / participants spread it to others, which surely must've helped in ensuring us a spot in the WRC calendar for 2021 as well.

The remainder of the year was rather dull, with the exception of the US Presidential elections in November, when we were all holding our breaths that Joe Biden would win (congratulations, my American friends!). This eventually led to the painful downfall of THE WORST government the Republic of Estonia has ever had, and to the rise of our first female Prime Minister, Kaja Kallas (both happening in January 2021, I couldn't believe it all spiralled so soon, ha-ha!).

Anyways, during the last 4 months, work was very stressful and driving me nuts, so badly that when I eventually went on vacation before Christmas, I had a slight anxiety disorder that wouldn't let me relax for several days (luckily it went away just as quickly once I began to take it easy and managed to get some proper rest / sleep).

In hindsight, I kind of get this weird feeling as if I saw this whole thing coming, given how actively I was living my life throughout 2019. My final year of the 2010's was so full of important events and personal achievements. It's almost as if something mysterious inside was driving me, telling me to visit all the places and do all the things I wanted to do, cause I wouldn't have this sort of a chance again for a very long time.

This must be the main reason why I am thankful for 2020 for going the way it did. Sure, I'm disappointed that a lot of events were cancelled, that so many people have had to leave this world so soon due to this unpredictable disease.. But I think there are so many lessons to take from what came out of all of this. I believe the world needed some sort of a restart or break, given in what direction we were headed (politically, economically, environmentally, socially etc.). I'm just sorry it's had to come with such a high price of innocent lives.

I have even higher hopes for 2021, given how amazingly January has already passed for me and my country, and what is to come in my hometown in February. Let's take the lessons learned from 2020 with us and keep on heading back towards the "normal" lifestyle we used to know. Except this time, let's improve our ways, put all the hatred behind us, be more considerate, keep a distance, stay safe, but still try to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you so much for reading, for remaining by my side, and for your support and love throughout the years, my friends! I hope to see you all alive and healthy at the end of the white metal ox year of 2021! *virtual hugs*

[drummergirl231-2]

Della’s Parallels with her Boys Each Season

Each season has focused on a different triplet (Season 1 was Dewey’s season, Season 2 was Louie’s, Season 3 will be Huey’s), and so far Dewey and Louie’s arcs have focused heavily on the traits they have in common with their mother, especially with regards to the Spear of Selene incident.

Dewey’s Parallels with Della in Season 1

The pilot episode introduced Dewey as the bravest, most daring and adventurous triplet. 

More than Huey’s book smarts or Louie’s cleverness, it was Dewey’s courage and tendency to get distracted with little details of his environment (“But I was so caught up in... why is there a lamp on the floor?”) that reignited Scrooge’s own love of adventure and prompted him to take Dewey, as well as the others, under his wing.

Dewey very much has his mother’s overall personality, and Scrooge’s relationship with him is heavily influenced by the relationship he’d had with Della. The wee stinker holds a special place in his heart, though Scrooge’s assumption Della took the rocket on a whim causes him to get extra frustrated when Dewey does anything adventurous without thinking.

When Dewey climbed out onto the wing of the Sunchaser/Cloudslayer to retrieve the final piece of the photograph of the Spear of Selene, Scrooge said, “No... not again,” because he was refusing to lose another one of his babies to a reckless mistake with an aircraft. 

While Della does tend to think things through more than Dewey (something to be discussed in the next section of this post) it’s his personality and reputation as the daring one that makes him like his mommy.

Louie’s Parallels with Della in Season 2

Once again, the parallels the main triplet of the season would share with his mother were addressed in the first episode of that season.

A big difference between Della and Dewey is Della’s ability to read a situation from every angle and quickly devise a plan. This is something Louie has in common with her. 

Frank has also drawn attention on his blog to the two of them putting a lot of faith and effort into their plans or schemes (space travel and motherhood in Della’s case, and getting rich in Louie’s) only for them to become overwhelmed when things don’t work out as they expected. 

When this happens, they draw courage from family and togetherness. They know they can face the unknown as long as they’re facing it together.

Huey’s Parallels with Della in Season 3

It follows that Season 3, very much hinted at being Huey’s season, will highlight similarities between him and his mother, and possibly continue to flesh out the Spear of Selene incident as the character arcs of his brothers did.

We already know Della was “an ace Junior Woodchuck,” and “an avid gamer,” as Frank described her, so she and Huey have those things in common already. 

But there’s another way in which they may be similar.

After the Season 2 finale, a lot of fans had a lot of questions for Frank... many had the same exact questions for him, leading him to post a great big end of Season 2 FAQ, which included this Q&A:

When someone else asked Frank how worried we should be for Huey, he said no one worries for Huey better than Huey.

So it sounds like Huey’s going to go into full-on paranoid conspiracy theorist mode (poor pumpkin-noodle-apple-face). 

And I find this VERY fascinating, because @alliterative-albatross​ came up with the theory before Season 2 ever aired (that I’ve blogged about a million times in more detail than in this post) that Della was actually investigating a conspiracy by the Buzzards when she stepped foot on the Spear of Selene all those years ago... that she suspected tampering, but accidentally set off the rocket. 

Frank did say her confidence she could succeed was her downfall. If that applied to a test run on a whim, her note to Scrooge wouldn’t make any sense. If she was confident she could bust a conspiracy on her own, then it would. And it’d be another parallel between her and conspiracy theorist Huey. 

And considering Della’s been increasingly exhibiting symptoms of PTSD as she’s been home, imagine how triggered she’d be discovering Huey’s investigation if she’d once done the same thing and it led to the greatest regret of her life?

Because that’s another pattern in this show... the triplets getting so wrapped up in pursuing their goals, it has a negative effect on their family and their relationships with them.

Season 1: Dewey is so focused on his goal to find out the truth about their mom, he puts his family in danger.

Season 2: Louie is so focused on his goal to get rich quick, he puts his family in danger.

Season 3: Huey is so focused on his goal to bust a conspiracy he puts his family in danger?

And who knows what’ll set Huey off with this investigation... maybe he’s curious about a lot of bad coincidences that start happening to his family (which would be F.O.W.L. at work), or maybe he wants to find out why his mom, who says she wanted to be there for them every step of the way, left an apology note and took the rocket (while fearing asking her directly would be too triggering for her). Maybe he’s curious about what happened to his father and his father was involved with F.O.W.L. (as discussed in this post here). 

It’s a bit early to say for sure what’ll cause Huey to search for answers or what answers he’ll be searching for, but I bet Season 3 will definitely focus on similarities between him and Della and the lessons he could learn from her mistakes.

[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @Queenyclairey!

I loved your "sharing a bed" prompt and kind of ran with it. I really hope you enjoy this, otherwise I'm totally open to writing you something else!

Hope you have a lovely holiday season and great rest of the year!

<3

Read on AO3

*****

me myself and why

Alec is always so surprised by the Downworld’s ability to gossip.

He first hears the rumors that float around on a Thursday night at the Hunter’s Moon, where he meets Magnus for drinks.

It starts with a few beers after a long day in a Cabinet meeting because being the Head of the New York Institute truly is taxing, especially after the downfall of Valentine and the Circle as Alec tries to put the shambles of the New York Shadowhunter regime back together piece by piece, and the Downworld leaders try to contain their frenzied factions as well. Magnus suggested drinks to unwind and loosen up, where Alec can be drunk and happy with and slowly open up to the thought that he might actually have a life outside the Mission.

“So how long have you and Magnus been together?” Maia asks quietly one evening as she refills his glass, beer sloshing over the edges as she jerks her head towards the warlock who is setting up the next round of pool.

“Huh?” Alec quirks a brow high in surprise, bewilderment etched across his face. He throws a glance over his shoulder, catches a glimpse of Magnus—warm charcoal-rimmed eyes, coifed hair, and wine-stained smile—and turns back to Maia with burning cheeks, already shaking his head. “Oh, we’re not together.”

It’s her turn to stare at him in confusion. “Are you sure?”

He presses his lips into a thin line. “Trust me, I think I’d know.”

“I just saw you guys leaving together last time.” She pockets the cash he slides her for the drink, shrugging helplessly. “Heard Magnus mention you were going back to his place.”

Alec knows exactly what she’s thinking, and that little hopeful heart of his pangs for the desperate wish that it was true.

It’s been eight months since he’s been acquainted with the enigmatic Magnus Bane, their first meeting after a spitfire named Clary Fray crashed into his life and tossed the entire Shadow World into chaos, leading to the downfall of Valentine and the Circle and appointing Alec the new Head of the New York Institute. Alec has found himself wanting—more than anything—for there to be something between him and Magnus Bane.

It’s the product of long nights spent cleaning up his sibling’s messes that the warlock helps solve, healing sessions after close calls in battle, meetings at the Institute when the warlock made weekly trips to reinforce the wards with the Circle attacking constantly. It’s quiet talks until early morning after a drink or two, huddled together on Magnus’s couch, about Alec’s dreams to change the world as Magnus opens his eyes to the Downworld and all its wonder.

(It starts with a brief flirtation that flared bright when they first met but was snuffed out quickly at Alec’s whirlwind engagement to Lydia—something that Alec rekindled over time, never let fully burn out, even though Magnus showed no signs of fueling it again.)

Alec sighs and shakes his head. “There’s nothing between us,” he tells Maia as he takes a sip of his beer, wondering if it’s possible to drown himself in it just to never have this conversation again.

Maia hums, almost like she doesn’t believe him, but he decides to ignore it. He has more important things to worry about, such as not giving the a four-hundred-year-old warlock a reason to think he can’t hold his own in pool.

The takeaway is this: nothing is going on, but that hasn’t stopped Alec from wanting.

*

The first night it happens, he’s drunk and Magnus’s apartment is closer.

“Come on, Alexander, just a few more steps,” Magnus says breathlessly, too choked with laughter to make sense. Alec himself is collapsing against him, too happy and in love to care (not that he’d ever admit that to his friend).

“That’s what you said.. a block back that way.” He gestures helplessly over his shoulder, but he’s not sure he’s pointing in the right direction. “Can’t you just….” This time he flicks his hands into a lazy circle, signaling for those portals the warlock is so fond of, but it comes out as him flipping the bird to a dumpster.

(Perhaps it’s not his brightest moment. Why oh why does Magnus have to witness it?)

By the time they make it into Magnus’s apartment, which may have involved magic but at this point Alec isn’t too sure, all he wants is the comfort of his friend. They stumble into Magnus’s bedroom, collapsing on his bed, and Alec doesn’t know what he’s doing when he snuggles close to the warlock and drops his head on his shoulder.

“Wouldn’t you feel better in your own bed?” Magnus asks him, something softer than the tone he’s been using all night. “You know there’s a guest room upstairs.”

Alec shrugs helplessly, too lost in the scent of sandalwood to concentrate on much else. In the dim light of the tableside lamp, Magnus looks softer, silhouetted by the moonlight peeking through the glass of the bedroom window. He wraps an arm around the back of Alec’s shoulders, fingers burying themselves deep in his dark hair, drawing shapes into his scalp. The movement is slow and relaxing, turning every part of him loose and languid against Magnus.

“I’m fine where I am,” he says with a sigh and settles. He can’t remember the last time he was this comfortable.

“Yeah? You’re sure you’re okay?” Magnus’s voice has a depth to it, like there’s an unspoken story in the spaces between. Alec wants to try to place it, urge Magnus to open up and tell it, but alcohol doesn’t make these things any easier. Just makes them harder to get over once you realize what you don’t have.

“Hmmm,” Alec mumbles into the skin of his neck, chin cushioned by the warlock’s knit sweater, and his body just seems to sink. “As long as you’re here, I’m always okay.”

Magnus goes still next to him, and the rest of Alec’s thoughts turn indiscernible as the world turns quiet.

Sleep is easy to find that night with Magnus.

The takeaway is this: sometimes Alec wonders if Magnus wants too.

*

Shadowhunters gossip too.

It’s Jace who first comes into Alec’s office the next week, brow quirked high as he levels his brother with a stern expression. “What’s this I hear about you getting yourself a boyfriend?”

Alec peers up at him over the rim of his coffee cup, which has two more shots of expresso than he needs, but it’s the only way he can put up with his Institute on a good day. “News to me.” Honestly, he’d love to know where Jace is hearing this because it’s certainly proving to be more entertaining than the stock reports he has to approve.

“You and Magnus?” Jace asks. “You’re not dating?”

Alec stares at him, somewhere between amused and exhausted. “Last I checked, no.”

Jace ponders his response for a second, eyes blank and shuttered. Even through their parabatai bond, he can’t seem to get a sense on any emotion the blonde is throwing around. “Okay,” Jace finally murmurs. “I’ll check back in next week.”

He disappears as quickly as he came, and Alec is left with more questions than answers.

I heard you got yourself a boyfriend, Jace had said.

You and Magnus, Jace had assumed.

Magnus. Boyfriend. Alec tosses the word around a few times, mouthing it in the silence of his office, already way too comfortable with the way it feels on his tongue. Magus—as his boyfriend—is something he dares not think about because then it would seem too real, and he might do something stupid like hope.

The takeaway is this: it’s never going to happen.

*

The sad thing is that Alec is more acquainted with Magnus’s bedroom than the rest of his apartment.

The first time was when they passed out drunk—but it wasn’t the last time that same scenario played out. The guest room upstairs, which Magnus makes a point to offer every Thursday Alec spends the night, grows cold and distant until finally the warlock stops asking and just assumes.

Eventually things escalate, where they’ll share the bed when Alec is over for a Cabinet meeting and too tired to head back to his bed at the Institute. Perhaps sit’s a dinner party where he stays after to help clean up, recovering from an injury Magnus inevitably had to heal, or helping Magnus after a magic depletion episode.

He’s all-to-familiar with the golden satin sheets, the ones that gleam like sunlight in the early morning, that match perfectly with Magnus’s bronze skin and fiery eyes. (Alec can’t help but picture Magnus stretched out across them on a morning after, all soft skin and worn edges, so perfect and happy. The thought makes Alec’s heart clench because it’s never going to something he’ll see.)

“I should start charging you rent, Alexander,” Magnus tells him one morning after Alec wakes up, all sleepy eyes and pillow imprints on cheeks. He’s ensconced in the doorway that leads to the living room of the apartment, coffee mugs clenched tight in both hands.

“Sorry. I can stop if you want me too,” Alec mumbles, already reaching for the coffee with a soft thank you under his breath. The sight makes Magnus erupt in a blinding smile, and Alec feels like it means more than anything he could place on it. “Or at least cover breakfast costs.”

“If I didn’t want you to stay, I wouldn’t let you.” Magnus sits down next to him on the bed, twisting his fingers with a spark of blue, and then a plate of waffles appears before them. “You’re always welcome here.”

“Thank you,” Alec tells him, but it’s not for the bed or the breakfast.

It’s for everything else that he can never say.

The takeaway is this: sometimes, if he closes his eyes, it’s like they actually are.

*

“Are you using protection?” Izzy’s voice sounds in his ear during patrol one night. “You and Magnus?”

“Excuse me?” he asks because he doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about and… are they really having this conversation while demon hunting?!

“I just want to make sure you’re being safe, big brother.” Her eyes flash wildly in the moonlight, whip cracking through the air in an arc of blue and white, a demon’s scream echoing through the alley. Alec might’ve spared a moment to be impressed if he wasn’t frustrated and flustered, too busy trying to remember how to notch an arrow to respond.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Magnus,” he snaps as he draws back and shoots, fucking bullseye. “I don’t know why everyone seems to think there is.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re sleeping together.” She’s seen him stumble into the Institute early some mornings, still bleary-eyed from spending the night at Magnus’s. There’s no use denying it.

“Not…” He sighs, reaching back for another arrow from his quiver. “Not in the strictest sense.”

“But you are sleeping together?” Izzy slips under the last demon, tripping it up in time for Alec’s arrow to find its target. Both sink to the ground, trying to catch their breath after battle, breathing heavy and covered in ichor.

“Not in the way you mean,” Alec grumbles, suddenly feeling the weight of their night and conversation on his shoulders. Izzy’s smile turns skeptical, and he waves her thoughts away with a defensive groan. “I mean it, there’s no sex. Just sleeping.”

Izzy laughs too loudly for it to be a good thing. “Okay, big brother. Whatever you say.”

Stumbling onto her feet, Izzy holds out a hand to help pull him up so they can report back to the Institute, the night still young with everything they have to do. They don’t say anything more on the subject, but Alec has the sinking feeling that she doesn’t believe him.

The takeaway is this: no one ever seems too.

*

“Fancy seeing you here,” Alec says in surprise as Magnus stumbles into his office at the Institute one afternoon, a smile already stretching across his face. However, when he catches sight of the dark shadows under the warlock’s eyes, the way his hands tremble, and the thin line of his lips, he knows that it’s not just for a social visit.

“You okay?” he asks instead, pushing himself out of the chair and reaching towards him, desperate to help in whatever way his friend needs.

“New wards took a little more strength than I thought,” Magnus mumbles into the space between them, hands grasping Alec’s elbows to steady himself. It’s apparent that he wants nothing more than to sink down and fall asleep, which is a classic symptom of magic depletion, but this is the first time Alec has seen it outside of the safety of the warlock’s apartment.

It’s definitely a cause for concern. “I’ve never seen you this wiped before.” He digs his fingers into the fabric of Magnus’s shirt, fighting the need to suddenly embrace him. “Are you getting enough sleep? Is your magic okay? Are you—"

“There were a few clients this morning too that I had to take care of.” Magnus waves his hand in front of his face, like he hasn’t been overworking himself to the point he can barely stand. “As Head of the Institute, I’m sure you know what urgency and demand entails. Can’t let matters like those slide.”

“Yeah, but—” At the expression on Magnus’s face, Alec quiets.

“I appreciate your concern, Alexander, truly I do.” Magnus huffs out something soft that sounds like a laugh, and it makes something inside Alec shudder in surprise. He loves that sound from him. “But I’m fine—really. I just need to lay down for a few hours, and I’ll be right as rain.”

Alec looks over Magnus’s head at the couch nestled in the corner of his office and knows that was the warlock’s final destination. “I could use a break too now, actually.” Magnus makes a quiet noise—either of disbelief or agreement, Alec isn’t sure—and tugs them in the direction of the sofa.

Falling together onto the couch, Magnus arranges himself in a tangle of limbs, shifting and burying, until he’s pressed against Alec, close enough to breathe him in. It just makes Alec’s whole body shiver at each touch, the warmth, the feeling of Magnus’s pulse thundering against him. They’ve been close before, but it’s never felt like this.

“I worry about you,” Alec tells him, and Magnus only hums in response.

The warlock wastes no time in falling asleep, leaving Alec with his swarm of thoughts and emotions. His frantic heart can’t even try  to keep up. He swallows down everything he wants to tell Magnus and tries to get comfortable.

It’s going to be a long afternoon.

The takeaway is this: I love you is what he wants to say.

*

“I’m so happy for you two,” Catarina tells him one evening during a dinner party that Magnus is throwing, just as the warlock slips away from their group for a few minutes to play host. Catarina smiles around the edge of her champagne glass. “I don’t think I’ve seen Magnus like this in decades.”

Alec almost snorts out his own sip. “I’m sorry?”

“I’m serious,” Catarina presses, turning around slightly to stare at Magnus as he greets newcomers at the entrance of his apartment. Alec takes a moment to study the warlock, looking positively lovely in his formal wear, and feels the need to loosen his collar before he chokes to death. “I haven’t seen him smile this much is a long time, Alec.”

“Catarina, we’re not together—" he tries to say—tries to explain—because this is getting out of hand. If Magnus’s closest friends are assuming now, people he’s known and loved for centuries, then there must be something wrong.

Alec has not made as big of an impact in Magnus’s life to matter as much as Catarina claims, not like Magnus has made with his, being the first person that he can firmly say he’s in love with. But from the way Catarina narrows her eyes, smile knowing, there’s something in that expression that reminds him that she’s become his friend too, and that she sees beyond definitions and technicalities.

“Not yet,” she says, like that’s all that matters. Like it’s that easy.

But Alec has been waiting for nearly a year. In the ten months they’ve known each other, aside from the beginning, Magnus has never hinted at anything more because the fact of the matter is that Alec lost his chance for it a long time ago.

“It’s not that simple,” Alec reluctantly confesses, the words slipping out before he can fully process them. “I wish it was, but—”

“—But it really is,” Catarina insists. She switches her glass to her other hand, taps his temple with her finger, and levels his gaze with her own. “You make him so happy, Alec, and from what I can see, he makes you happy too. What more do you need?”

Before Alec can come up with a coherent answer, Magnus slips back into the corner they’re currently huddled in to join them. “Am I missing anything important?” he asks with a wink and a drink.

The sight makes Alec laugh because that’s he can do. Catarina is on the dot when she says that Magnus makes him happy—he’s one of the few things in this world that can do it without trying, just by being himself. Magnus makes him feel light and airy, makes joy bubble in his chest and his heart try to break free from his ribcage.

He makes Alec feel things—things he never thought he’d ever have or even allowed himself to dream of.

“Nothing important,” Catarina tells Magnus as she slings an arm around her fellow warlock, still staring at Alec. “We’re just talking about Alec’s plans for the future.”

“What plans?” Magnus cocks his head. “Anything in particular? I don’t think you mentioned anything recently.”

“Oh no, just the usual. The plans for the Cabinet and stuff.” He clears his throat, can’t even swallow around the lump of emotions that grows in his throat, and he feels everything inside him ache to touch Magnus.

The takeaway is this: hope won them the war, so what’s to say it can’t do more if he lets it?

*

It’s the whisper that sounds the loudest between them on that quiet night, lying in bed like always.

“I love you.” The words leave Alec stunned, the way they slip out without warning or reason, like water dripping from a tap that’s been closed off. They settle in his chest as something heavy, and it’s a struggle to learn how to breathe around them. Nothing could have prepared him for it.

Across from him, sitting back against a nest of pillows on the bed, Magnus simply stares, mouth wide open in surprise. “I’m sorry?” he asks, like he still can’t quite understand what he heard.

Alec is having a hard time believing it too. He didn’t plan to say that—certainly didn’t mean to—but he was thinking it… had been for quite some time actually. He’s been stuck on Maia who assumed because it seemed perfectly natural, on Jace who heard and wasn’t surprised, on Izzy who just wanted him to be happy, and Catarina who saw it because it was always there.

The moment had struck before he’d even had a chance to realize it: the world so warm in their own little bubble, Magnus’s hand in his as they lounge on his bed, wine-drunk on the cold December night. Something about the gentle chaos had settled the building scream that brew in Alec’s chest every time he looked at the warlock, catching sight of lips quirked into an easy smile, dark eyes that sparkled with mirth, and the way his whole body would shake when he laughed.

There’s almost something ethereal about Magnus, something that’s made Alec want to fall in love despite all the hardships that will come from it, because heaven surely crafted this miracle and sent it to him.

“I’m in love with you,” Alec tells Magnus helplessly, shrugging like it’s no big deal, but his hand clenches just a bit tighter around his empty wine glass. It’s so much easier to say the second time around, and Alec can surely see himself getting used to it.

Magnus is silent for a moment, a handful of heartbeats that threaten to suffocate them both, but then he’s leaning forward, a smile stretching wide across his face, and the pink dusting his cheeks is not from the alcohol. “Took you long enough.”

Alec laughs because how can he not?

“Even though I’m sure you know, I love you too,” Magnus makes a point to say over the rim of his wine glass, lips painted a rosy red from the drink. The words echo in the space between them, ringing through his head like the sweetest song he’s ever heard, and it only makes Alec surge forward.

His arms loop around the warlock’s neck and then he’s pulling him down down down, until their lips meet in a bitter, wine-stained kiss, which leaves them both breathlessly blissful and gasping with muted laughter into each other’s mouths. He lifts a hand and strokes the side of Magnus’s jawline, cupping his chin to pull him close. Magnus’s own hands bury themselves in Alec’s hair, curling but not quite pulling, lost in the sensation of finally being together.

The air around them grows hot and heavy as Magnus’s magic flares around them, dancing in shades of blue and gold, but neither spare a moment to watch. It’d taken them so long to get to this point that neither wish to wait another moment to lose themselves in the other.

Here’s the facts: Alec Lightwood is a Shadowhunter, and Magnus Bane is a warlock. If you want to be official about it, Alec is the Head of the New York Institute, and Magnus is the High Warlock of Brooklyn. In a nut shell, it means they should be enemies, doomed from the start, and haunted by generations-long hostilities.

The takeaway is this: a relationship between them will never work out.

But here’s the facts: Alec Lightwood has been in love with Magnus for nearly a year. For all purposes, it’s been a relatively happy and healthy relationship they’ve fostered, as colleagues and friends, as almosts and maybes and possibilities. At the end of the day, matters of the heart simply require time and the mind to balance the best of both.

The takeaway is this: they’re in love, and that’s the only important thing to take away.

Perhaps that’s why it works.

[ariainstars]

It’s Time for Rey to Grow Up

So, our all-time favourite Emperor is back, what a surprise. Or not? Why isn’t he “really gone”? What is his purpose?

Palpatine is known for his patience. He always waited until the fruit was ripe to pick. Is he after Ben Solo perhaps, now that Snoke is gone?

I don’t think so. Snoke impersonated Ben’s inner darkness, and he chose to destroy him.

Palpatine was more impressive and powerful than Snoke, more vicious, manipulating, more viscerally evil. Does anyone honestly think that he’s after our dreamy-eyed space prince? I don’t.

He’s after Rey.

Rey is extremely powerful and untrained. Ben always tried to keep her close: remember how he said “The longer she is free, the more dangerous she becomes.”

Dangerous for whom? For him? For the First Order? For herself? For the galaxy at large? He offered to be her teacher, to “show her the ways of the Force”. Luke, too, said that she needed a teacher, but he refused to apply to the task. He promised her three lessons and gave her only two.

Let’s consider these scenes.

Rey attacks a defenceless old guy. Ever the pacifist, Luke pulled the staff from her hands with the aid of the Force, lowering all his guard before her: at which she lights the sabre which used to be his and stands over him menacingly.

Rey hits Kylo over the face scarring and disfiguring him for life. She is defending herself and she’s angry because he killed the man who was a father figure for her, but how long did she know Han? Maybe a day. Contrarily to his son, who knew him all of his life and was coerced by the head of a criminal organization to prove his ultimate loyalty with an unpardonable crime.

Rey trains with the Skywalker legacy light sabre. She cuts a rock clean in half, which slides down to the cart of the hapless Caretakers. They don’t get hit by a hair’s breadth. Rey doesn’t even look down to them.

Kylo only is aggressive when he wears his mask. On meeting Rey, he does not hurt her but immobilizes her through the Force.

As their duel begins, he rotates his light sabre almost playfully. The gesture is everything but aggressive; he doesn’t look at all like someone who goes for the kill.

Snoke said that Kylo was “bested by a girl who never held a light sabre”.

Excuse me? He’s watching her in fascination. Why doesn’t he strike?! Kylo’s not losing. He’s letting her go on purpose. (Another parallel to “Beauty and the Beast”. Sorry about the trope. :-)

After the Crait battle, he could send the entire forces of the First Order after “that old piece of junk”. He’s the Supreme Leader now and he has a unique chance to destroy what little is left of the Resistance. But he just watches Rey leave, crying silently.

The Throne Room battle: Ben concentrates and meditates for a second to collect his strength.

Rey screams and attacks, aggressively.

As he meets Luke, Ben is aggressive, too, but his posture is ducked. He’s deeply conflicted although he’s meeting again with the man who pulled the rug from under his feet by first separating him from his family at young age, and then (if briefly) contemplating that to kill him would be the best solution.

In “The Rise of Skywalker” he only has a brief scene in the teaser trailer. His light sabre is ignited but instead of killing his opponent, he just shoves him to the ground.

Is that someone Palpatine would go after? I don’t think so.

What with believing (or suspecting for a long time) that Rey is Luke’s daughter, admiring her for being a kick-ass woman, and seeing a sweet cinnamon roll in her whose destiny it is to turn the villain’s heart, we are refusing to see the truth: Rey is much more aggressive and dangerous than Ben ever was.

Remember: Snoke was in Ben Solo’s mind ever since he was conceived, but he only submitted to him after his uncle’s betrayal. Aggressive? Violent? Murderous? Ben Solo rather seems someone who has endless patience. But even the most patient person snaps, if the pressure is too strong.

Rey herself said “I need someone to show me my place in all this.” Luke refused to show her that place. Ben offered her a place by his side, but she rejected him. Just try to imagine for a moment what would happen if Palpatine offered to be her master.

The Rule of Two still applies. Palpatine can’t act on his own: he needs someone by his side, and he always wanted the most powerful Force user there was. Rey doesn’t know him. Like everybody else, she believes him to be dead. And if they met, he would certainly not tell her “I’m the old Emperor”; Palpatine always had subtle means to tell half-truths in order to manipulate somebody to his own ends.

Rey comes from a desert planet, she’s an ex slave, she has no family, she’s a scavenger and mechanic. “Anakin” means “without a family” (no kin). Rey’s parallels with Luke are few: she’s much more like Anakin.

If we consider the balancing rule of the Force, “darkness rises and light to meet it”, this also goes for the contrary. Now that light has risen in Ben, dark must be rising in Rey at the same time. She just doesn’t know that yet. Rey believes she’s doing the right thing, the same trap Anakin, Luke and Ben fell into in their time. At least Ben questioned his choices; Rey never does.

The irony of the situation is that Ben is now, politically, in the role Palpatine used to be. But can anyone imagine him ruling the galaxy with an iron fist? The thought borders on ridiculous.  He killed Snoke because he had abused him and Rey, not because he wanted his power.

Rey has never really let go of the past, of her illusion of the Jedi’s glory, of her desire to find a father figure; her time on Ahch-To amply showed that. Ben, who knows her mind, told her so to her face. And Palpatine used to belong to the Jedi, even if he wasn’t one; he knows everything about their ways, and about the political past of the galaxy.

Obi-Wan told Luke about the Republic from his own point of view, drawing a picture that Luke and his friends desperately tried to restore. It was assuredly better than the Empire, but watching the prequels, we see a decadent, stagnant society on the brink of its downfall, with the Jedi willing to pursue war for years to maintain the old order (i.e., keeping their power), never accepting new impulses, and merely paying lip service to their duty to compassion.

Ben was right telling Rey that the past needs to die and that the galaxy needs a new order. Maybe not the way he was imagining, with the two of them ruling: but the galaxy certainly does not need to go back to what used to be. Luke and his friends already tried to restore the past, and failed. Why? Because the system didn’t work in the first place.

Yet Palpatine is not dead. In one way or another, the old devil came back. And I’m sure he knows whom he wants to get into his claws. Not the volatile, vulnerable, insecure last scion of the Skywalker family, but the uncompromising, judgemental Force user who was never warned about the dangers of her power.

That’s why I am quite certain that Rey will not have to save Ben in Episode IX; he will have to save her. Or at least, he must try.

Remember: this is his story. The Skywalker man always becomes protagonist only in the third instalment of a trilogy, finally deciding about his own fate. Episode IX is named “The Rise of Skywalker”, which assuredly does not hint at Rey: it would be stupid to make the grand revelation “oh, she’s a daughter of Luke’s after all” now, with all that was said and done to prove she’s not.

Ben needs to finally man up, to become the hero of his own story. If anyone can save the day, it’s him and not her. Out of love for her, perhaps; but I would find it infinitely better if he also acted out of love for others. (Yes, I’m a Reylo, but I have never believed that “true love” means the girl must inspire the man to be a better person for her sake. If anything, this dynamic must be reciprocated.)

Whom will Rey trust, ultimately? Whom will she choose?

The seemingly harmless, mild-mannered father figure who Palpatine can so credibly interpret, as he already proved during the time of the old Republic?

The assuredly not saintly, but immensely preferable Supreme Leader, who has repeatedly proven that he’s the only person who understands what Rey is going through, and has always done everything in his power to protect her?

Will Rey grow up at last, or will the lure of the “Jedi’s glorious past” and of the father figure (Palpatine) be stronger than the goodwill of a man who accepts her for what she is, no matter how often she attacked him verbally and physically, or left him alone when he would most have needed her (Ben)?

Ben Solo has learned his hardest lessons. Rey’s are still to come. She can’t be that good, strong and virtuous without difficulties or consequences; it was all too good to be true. The Dark Side lurks, and it’s already calling to her. She hasn’t done evil until now, but she also never was in the same situation as Ben - trapped, isolated, manipulated. She judged him, just like she judged Luke later on; she does not know what it means to be in their shoes. And I think it’s important for her to make that experience, because she needs to learn that she has no right to look down on someone.

We never learned why Rey’s parents gave her away when she was still small. According to Ben, who read it in her mind, they sold her for drinking money. Sure, some parents are horrible. Some fans suspect that she might have unknowingly killed them through the Force, and that this was why they never came back. Which would make a lot of sense; but I believe it would make more sense to assume that they noticed their daughter’s strange powers and were frightened by them, their fear made worse by the fact that there was no Jedi around whom they could have asked for advice.

Rey means well, but she is naïve and she knows too little about her own powers, and their temptation. Ben tried to protect and instruct her from the start, and he always was honest with her. Palpatine would know how to subtly make her believe that by using her powers unconditionally she would do the right thing: her eyes would gradually turn yellow, and she wouldn’t even notice. Palpatine would assuredly not tell her that he uses the Dark Side, and he would not appear to her in his demoniac true looks. Snoke’s evil was clearly to be seen, but Palpatine has amply shown that he knows how to come off as harmless and well-meaning while operating only in his own favour. And Ben would be the only person capable of pulling her out of his trap: because he’s as strong as she is, because he knows how her mind works, and mostly, because he used to be in a similar situation.

The moment Kylo Ren took off his mask, he showed us his true face: arrogant, but ultimately harmless. Almost all the crimes we saw him commit he carried out with the mask on his face, as if he didn’t really want to see what he was doing. The only crime he committed being forced to look was Han’s murder; it also was his last. He never killed again except in self-defence.

What’s behind Rey’s mask? Rey introduced herself saying, “I’m no one.” Are you indeed, Rey? Or have you simply not taken off your own mask yet?

Luke Skywalker himself, the last and strongest of all Jedi, said that your raw power frightened him.

I know that many people dislike the sequels, but for the most part, in my experience it’s because they don’t understand them. They haven’t realized or accepted that the whole saga is a work of art in itself, not a trilogy that was good and is now being copied over and over to make money out of it. Both prequels and sequels have their own arc, their own story to tell.

A lot of viewers, both fans and antis, see Rey as Luke 2.0 (although some pretend that she’s a Mary Sue) and Kylo as Vader 2.0 (albeit grumbling that he’s a whiny sissy).

But this last trilogy is about balance. Rey cannot be the heroine and Kylo / Ben cannot be the villain. They’re both equal parts good and evil. They are not like Luke and Vader and never were meant to be. They’re characters of their own, in their own place, with their own story. The culmination of the saga is still to come. And looking at the facts, beyond prejudices and expectations, it looks like it won’t be pretty. Maybe love will see it through, but there will be the devil to pay before that - literally.

This happy ever after, still hoping it will take place, will be bitterly fought and hard-earned.

[buffyversefanfiction]

Twisted Tristan

Chapter 3 - Our City (Volume 3)

Warnings: I do not own or claim to own the original content to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, “Angel”, the comics or any of the original characters from the “Buffyverse” all rights belong to Joss Whedon.

15 plus, displays of Violence, Gore, Torture, M/M, F/M, F/F.

Drusilla and Darla found themselves walking down a dark alleyway in Los Angeles laughing sinisterly amongst themselves when they suddenly came across a baby boy wrapped in a jacket, Willow’s jacket to be precious and the baby in question was none other than a much younger Tristan, Buffy’s biological son.

“And here was me thinking about having a little something to eat.” Darla said to Drusilla while ascending her vampire face.

“No mummy this child is far too precious to be wasted as a snack.” Drusilla told her off before lifting the quiet baby child before showing the boy her vamp face which amused him as he smiled at her much to Drusilla’s delight.

“Drusilla the last thing we need right now is for you start getting sentimental about killing babies.” Darla snapped at Drusilla who began rocking the baby back and forth.

“I see a great darkness set to descend within this child a bitterness that will only ripen with age and an incredible amount of chaos he’ll inflict on this world.” Drusilla replied joyfully while dancing with the baby boy in her arms.

“Drusilla, I don’t have time for these games ever since Angelus set us alight last week you’ve been acting even more like you than normal.” Darla moaned as her face returned to its normal state.

“Mummy don’t be mad this baby will be the answers to all your prayers one day,” Drusilla revealed to her while continuing to keep her eyes on the baby with pure adoration. “This little child will be the cause of Buffy’s downfall once and for all finally the preppy little cheerleader will get what’s coming to her.”

“You get all that from holding a child?” Darla asked her. “How can you be so sure?”

“I see a future where this child is fully grown a future where he will inflict immense pain onto others especially little miss Buffy, and I will have great joy in seeing it unfold.” Drusilla promised her vampire grandmother/granddaughter.

“Hm, I still say we eat the little rat just in case what your saying is just another of your episodes.” Darla replied. “Besides I’m really hungry.”

“Buffy sunk her pretty little manicured nails into my father Angelus taking him away from you and then she came for my darling Spike,” Drusilla moaned as her face returned to normal while she continued to cuddle into the child. “It’s no fair that she still lives but if we spare this baby she won’t be living for much longer.”

“So, you’re seriously telling me that if we spare this little rodent than we ourselves will be having a hand in that perky bitch’s demise?” Darla asked her interest in the child being more than just a snack rising. “Well I’m not bloody raising the thing vampires were not made to be mothers and quite frankly I can’t think of a ghastlier task.”

“All we have to do mummy is deliver him to the right destination and then just wait as he grows to be the man who destroys Buffy’s entire world.” Drusilla made herself clear.

Tristan and Dante stood behind the counter of their somewhat restored demonic dive bar with new demonic, monstrous and vampiric clientele filling their pub as the two lovers made out passionately while groping each other as a vampire bartender walked around the bar handing out drinks and weapons to the customers making it clear these two were getting ready for a big battle in their own way.

Dante feared this fight would be his and his lover’s last, but he couldn’t stop himself from trying to get the love of his life what he wanted. They often say that without a soul a vampire can’t love but that’s never been true.

A soulless Drusilla and a soulless Spike were in love for centuries until a still soulless at the time Spike fell in love with Buffy, a soulless Darla was besotted with Angelus for centuries even somewhat loving Angel in her own way and a soulless loved Dante with every inch of his un-beating a heart and if that meant dying to give him what he wanted then he was ready for it.

Tristan was a truly twisted violent man who cared for very few but Dante was his other half, Dante not only understood the darkness residing within him but he loved it and because of that Tristan truly loved him but there was something Tristan loved even more than his vampire boyfriend and that was the fight.

Faith pulled out a rucksack from underneath her bed opening it to reveal a bag full of weapons while she stood in her motel room with Angel and Illyria as Faith pulled out her infamous knife from season three of Buffy looking the blade up and down with a sense of nostalgia and euphoria that you’d easily be fooled into believing that blade was first Faith’s first love.

“Do you need some time alone?” Angel asked her before the three of them were shocked by the glass on the window of the motel room exploded into pieces onto the ground as the curtains fell to the ground forcing Illyria to rush over to Angel and push him into a corner of the room which was shadowed from the glaring sunlight now coming into the room.

“Your more than welcome.” Illyria said to Angel while Faith walked over to the shattered window to see a vampire standing outside her room in thick black robes protecting him from bursting into flames because of the sunlight.

“My masters have told me to inform you of their disappointment for you Faith Lehane they expected far better things from you and yet you align yourself with the treacherous vampire and a former goddess.” The vampire informed her instantly igniting Illyria’s fury.

“There’s nothing former about me you blood sucker,” Illyria snapped at the vampire. “I have no trouble in showing you that.”

“My masters want you to return to the place where all this started tonight.” The vampire continued to tell Faith while ignoring an infuriated Illyria before he began to remove his robes and by doing so his body caught on fire the flames quickly beginning to burn his body. “Dante will drink from the bloody of the redeemed rogue slayer while Tristan will burn this city to the ground.”

Faith, Illyria and Angel watched as the vampire’s body which was on fire quickly turned to nothing but dust.

“I guess the dramatic flare clearly runs in the family,” Angel scoffed. “My evil self-taught Dante more tricks then I realized.”

“Ugh, why do vampires go out of their way to be more dramatic than humans,” Illyria moaned while rolling her eyes. “This world was so much easier to enjoy when humankind was enslaved, and blood suckers were kept as pets.”

Dante and Tristan sat alone in their bedroom on the edge of their bed above their demonic dive bar the curtains were closed due to the fading daylight which would set Dante on fire but what you could see of the window you could tell the sun was setting and the battle was drawing nearer.

“I know our plan is to wipe all slayers and obviously Faith’s one of those said slayers, but I can’t help this feeling inside that is yelling at me that this isn’t going to end well for either of us.” Dante admitted his fears to Tristan. “If we run now Drusilla herself wouldn’t even blame us, they have a freaking goddess on their side.”

“Dante my darling we have fought for years to get to where we are now, we can’t just give up and let these people take it from us.” Tristan replied as he stood up from the bed. “After everything I’ve been through everything, we’ve been through I refuse to just run from the storm I am going to embrace it with or without you by my side.”

“I will ride out any storm with you my love you know I’ll never leave your side.” Dante said as he stood up from the bed to face his lover trying to reassure him of his loyalty. “I want nothing more than for you to get the revenge that you deserve but not if it means you killing yourself in the process.”

“You know I love you Dante I’ve loved you from the first moment met.” Tristan admitted to the undead love of his life. “You found me when I was lost in darkness with no-one by my side and you taught me how to master that darkness but as much as I love you, I can’t walk away from this. This is everything I’ve lived for everything I stayed alive for and I won’t stop fighting until my last breath is taken from me.”

“I will stand by your side even if it means it will lead to our deaths and then I will stand by your side in the flames of hell.” Dante promised him before kissing his love one last time before they got ready for the fight of their lives.

Faith, Angel and Illyria were stood in the alleyway outside of Tristan and Dante’s demonic dive bar ready to deal with their New York problem right there and then.

“You guys can take whoever you want but I want Tristan.” Faith told them as they noticed large groups of vampires, demons and creatures appearing from out of the bar, out of the shadows and around the corners.

“I am very displeased with these opponents they have chosen for this fight it’s going to be far too easy to the point where this battle could bore me.” Illyria informed her teammates as Dante and Tristan walked out of their demonic dive bar ready to fight. “So, to accept your request Faith I can only agree to leaving them till last and if you’re not done by then I’ll simply finish them all.”

“Okay ladies let’s stop discussing our kills and actually get to the killing.” Angel told them before the trio charged towards the army of evil that was determined to kill them all.

Illyria wasted no time in taking down vampire after vampire by ripping their heads of before going for the demons and ripping their hearts out with such ease as Angel launched himself towards his foes that proved a little harder for him but in fairness Illyria was an all powerful goddess so in any other fight Angel’s strength would be considered rather impressive and still was holding his own with the goddess herself.

Meanwhile Faith wasted no time in charging towards Tristan beginning a fight between the two of them that they both had been waiting for since their first meeting. Tristan managed to hold his own against the reformed slayer for quite some time, but it was clear she was gaining the upper hand before beating him to the ground leaving the twisted man with little fight left.

Dante noticed from afar that his loved one was in fatal danger at Faith’s hands and charged towards the slayer only to be stopped in his tracks by Illyria who grabbed the vampire by his head at the same time Tristan had sucker kicked Faith to the ground and jump back on his feet just in time to see Illyria ripped Dante’s head from his shoulders turning Tristan’s vampire lover to dust.

“No!” Tristan screamed completely devastated by what he just saw causing the war in front of him to instantly stop as he ran over to the remains of his loved one and fell to his knees holding the ashes of Dante in his hands while he began to sob uncontrollably. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this you were never supposed to leave me.”

Angel continued to finish off the remaining of Tristan and Dante’s evil army while both Illyria and Faith stood still while watching Tristan continue to sob into the ashes of his fallen lost one and in that moment Faith realized this man no matter how twisted was in fact just a man a heartbroken man to be exact.

Following their battle against Tristan his vampire lover Dante and their army of minions Faith, Angel and Illyria were victorious Dante was dead and Tristan was defeated but Faith couldn’t help but feel sorry for the young raven-haired man.

She found herself reluctantly forming a strange bond with him from the start and she knew how much Tristan loved Dante which made her feel guilty for being part of taking him away from Tristan.

Things were far simpler for Faith Lehane when she just killed without caring and never had to answer to anyone but at the same time she had something now that she never had before friends which helped her come back from the darkness the same darkness she was determined to pull Tristan out of knowing he was human and believing like her he could be redeemed.

Faith, Illyria and Angel kept Tristan hostage in Faith’s motel room until Rupert Giles arrived at the motel with several female slayers who took Tristan from Faith’s room and into the back of the truck before chaining him up and sitting down with him before closing the doors as Faith, Illyria, Angel and Giles stood in the motel parking lot next to the truck in which had just become a high security prison for Tristan.

“I’ve got to admit when I saw a truck I got immediate flashbacks to the watchers council G but I suppose having slayers on side to handle slayers it’s a bit of a step forward even if you are still following some of the council’s rules I’m glad your making it your own because quite frankly most of that council were asses with too much power.” Faith admitted to Giles. “If anyone can handle us girls the right way it’s going to be you.”

“Thanks Faith it really means a lot that you of all people agree with what I’m doing because no slayer should or will ever be treated the same way you and Buffy were treated by the council.” Giles promised not yet noticing the irony of those words.

“So, what exactly happens with Tristan now?” Angel asked, clearly nowhere near as trustful of Giles as Faith was. “I mean how do you redeem someone slayer style when they’re not even a slayer?”

“Well I like to believe that anyone can be redeemed as long as their willing to seek out redemption and if not when then precautions are in place a prison of sorts you could say for unreformed slayers.” Giles admitted quickly losing Faith’s trust in the process with Faith not exactly being too much of a fan of prison following her stint in the place.

“This mere mortal is not a slayer why are we treating him like one?” Illyria asked Angel, Faith and Giles. “If you ask me you should’ve let me eliminate him straight after I eliminated his lover.”

“I’m well aware that Tristan is not a slayer yet somehow he requires many of the training and slayer like strength strong enough to take down several slayers in fact.” Giles reported to Illyria. “His origins will probably reveal how he is the way he is, but he is still human, and every human has a soul which means he has a chance of being redeemed.”

“Redemption is a lot harder than it sounds,” Faith admitted before going on to say. “I’ll need to check out this rehabilitation center of yours sometime G and not as a patient before anyone gets any ideas.”

“You’re more than welcome anytime.” Giles told her with a sincere smile on his face.

Angel and Faith remained standing in the motel parking lot long after Giles drove off with his slayer bodyguards and the twisted Tristan and long after Illyria made her own way out of New York City in search of her next battle.

“This was some seriously good nostalgia for the good old days when you and I were a team.” Angel admitted to Faith.

“You, Illyria and I do make quite the trio I’ve got to admit but what’s the latest on Fred is she still in there because I couldn’t help but notice she never made an appearance the whole time Illyria was here.” Faith wondered, worrying about her Fred’s fate.

“Don’t worry Fred’s still in there they’ve kind of come to terms with the whole-body sharing dilemma and it seems to be working out quite well for them both.” Angel explained to Faith about Fred and Illyria sharing the same body.

“Yeah I’m sorry but that whole situation is never not going to be weird.” Faith admitted with an awkward laugh. “I do miss you too big guy.”

“I’m not going to pretend I don’t know what your about to go and do Faith.” Angel told her with a sincere smile. “You’re going to check out this rehabilitation thing Giles has going and check up on your little frenemy Tristan.”

“Here the kid clearly has some issues but if he can be the upset for Dante’s death, he must’ve loved him which means he feels something other than just his murderous tendencies.” Faith said in defense of the slayer killing man.

“It’s not often you like anyone this little psychopath must be pretty special to break Faith Lehane’s armor.” Angel teased her before sincerely admitting. “With you on his side I’m sure his soul will be saved in no time.”

“Don’t be calling me a hero or nothing I’m not exactly the saving type.” Faith replied, attempting to brush off Angel’s compliments towards her.

“You saved me from myself when everyone turned against me for my actions as Twilight.” Angel admitted to the redeemed slayer. “Not to mention the time when you literally almost killed yourself in order to take down Angelus without killing me.”

“Yeah well you saved me first I was just returning the favour.” Faith scoffed before Angel kissed her much to her surprise.

Faith looked at Angel for a moment as she looked at him the two realizing in that moment the feelings that had grown between them over the years all leading to this very moment as they gave into their emotions and began passionately kissing within the motel parking lot.

[doomedandstoned]

Chrome Ghost Give Emphatic Close to the Decade with ‘The Diving Bell’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

There's always been something endearing to me about the sound of Roseville, California's CHROME GHOST. Their last two EPs are decades-long favorites of mine, chiefly due to the bittersweet comingling of earnest vocal harmonies with punishing low-end. Each of their releases has brought unique and unforgettable moments and I've long contended that they would stand up well as openers for the likes of Alice in Chains or Tool, Yob or Bell Witch, in terms of how they compliment and contrast elements of both bands.

'The Diving Bell' (2019) opens in classic Chrome Ghost fashion, with a steadily unwinding ballad with a Lovecraftian twist. "Waltz in the Shadow of the Hillside" will hook you for the long haul. It definitely passed the "hum test" for me, in any event, as I've been thrumming the main vocal theme for days now. "Halo" follows this by unleashing a torrent of pent-up tremors, followed by a calming mantra accompanied shortly by an ascendant guitar lead.

"The Diving Bell" presents a solitude and stillness that is rare, even in genres like depressive and funeral doom. Sadly serene, the song is like the calm leading into a storm, for minutes in a march-like rhythm and growling vocals announce the approach of something awful. Then like intermittent patches of downfall, the storm clears and gives way to a warm, confident stride with dreamlike lyricism. I dare say you don’t need to know the words (at least not on first hearing) to get the full effect of this 14-minute wonder, for on a sonic plane it taps into that mysteriously intuitive musical language we all seem to relate to emotionally. On a compositional level, I’m quite impressed (and satisfied) by how the band has developed to this point in their career. Like I said, deserving of much more mainstream attention.

From ascendant to transcendent, the record closes with the cavernous "Visions." There's something about it that reminds me of Gregorian Chant. Certainly the layer-upon-layer effect of the complementing vocal harmonies aids in its sacred vibe. Unexpectedly, the tempo quickens towards the end of the song, as though a great window to the heavens had opened and Jacob's dream of angels ascending and descending like an escalator is before us.

Regardless of how you interpret it, revelations abound in The Diving Bell, which releases this Saturday, November 30th (pre-order here). And now, Doomed & Stoned is pleased to present the worldwide exclusive debut of Chrome Ghost's most accomplished effort to date. A triumph.

Give ear...

The Diving Bell by chrome ghost

A Listener's Guide to 'The Diving Bell'

We're grateful for the opportunity to visit with Jake Kilgore (guitar, vox), Jake Hurst (drums), and Joe Cooper (bass) of Chrome Ghost, who recently gave us the low-down on their most accomplished effort to date, taking us on a tour from the inside-out.

Art

The cover art was painted by Sacramento artist Molly Devlin (@devlinmolly on Instagram) She has an incredibly sensitivity to her work, and the way she works with elements of nature and organic stuff blew my mind. We are extremely lucky that she was into the idea, and honestly the album cover influenced the way I felt about the whole process. I like to have art done before the recordings are done for that exact reason.

Recording Process

The Diving Bell was recorded in May 2019 by Patrick Hills at Earthtone in Sacramento, California. Patrick has recorded all Chrome Ghost releases to date, as well as CHRCH, King Woman, Tera Melos, and more. We have developed an extremely strong working relationship with Pat, and we tend to understand each other with minimal discussion. Half the time we’re not recording, we are getting through the day by watching stupid youtube videos while files are rendering.

The album tracking was spread out over three days, drums, bass, and guitar, with vocals tracked at home. No click tracks were used throughout the process in an attempt to give the record a more organic feel, and to give us the ability to push and pull the tempo as needed. It goes without saying that this method is way harder, and we definitely punished ourselves with long work days trying to get things right.

We were originally slated to track the album in February 2019, but I (Jake Kilgore) ended up breaking my wrist right before we were meant to go into the studio. The injury not only delayed our plans, but sent me into a spiral. Unable to work, I spent most days on the couch, feebly trying to find positions to hold my guitar so I could keep practicing. In some ways, this benefitted the band by really narrowing our focus. We would rehearse with no guitar, only bass, drums, and vocals. I’d stand there and sing the guitar parts when necessary and it became something of a thought exercise for all of us to stay in sync while only imagining what we were supposed to hear.

General Themes

This record was meant to be personal and introspective, but I also wanted to incorporate more classic gothic themes. Instead of being as blatantly autobiographical as Chrome Ghost has been in the past, I got a little more abstract and started to incorporate images and moods that resonated with me in some way.

Jacob and I share a fear of deep water, and I couldn’t shake the image of a primitive Diving Bell from my mind for months. The idea of being totally submerged, surrounded by a small pocket of air, was so claustrophobic yet serene, and it helped direct the mood of the album quite a bit. Always contrasting the heavier and suffocating music we make with the lighter, more reflective stuff.

Photo by Kevin Carpio

"Waltz in the Shadow of the Hillside"

The opener was inspired by a Lovecraft story called Whisperer In The Darkness, which starts off with reports of massive floods sweeping away strange alien bodies. I was struck by the thought of bodies washing through floodwaters, and it sparked from there. That idea met with this mantra I'd had cycling in my head; Wild Rose, Dog’s Blood. Something beautiful and something terrible, side by side. That sense of duality might be cliché at this point, but it seemed to fit very well in the sense that the water in this song is an element of destruction, but obviously water is an element of life.

We built this song around that clean fingerpicking guitar part after the heavy intro, which I originally wrote while I was still in high school. Everything else was added to accent those voicings and melodies present in that sequence. Exploring that very primitive and repetitive 3/4 rhythm, and twisting it around in different contexts, was a lot of fun to figure out. The droning, experimental part in the middle is probably my favorite because we got to use a bunch of studio tricks on the drums, and I got to use some rad guitar pedals to get those washy reverse guitar parts.

LYRICS

night falls shadows bloom rise slow dance in the hillside

shifting earth hums below outstretched arms drag through the water

soft glow of eyes that shine dark cold shrouds all who wander

obscured shapes draw near long black hair drags through the water

hark! now comes the flood slow rain crushes the hillside

pray they will rest well see them all dragged by the water

wild rose dog’s blood pray all rest well

all that once was is gone from here whispered laments fall on deaf ears

washed clean of all but memory swollen in death and revery

wild rose dog’s blood pray all rest well

"Halo"

Halo was a strange one to write, because the lyrics kinda just came to me in a flurry and I wasn’t aware of what they meant until after the record was made. I sometimes suffer from debilitating panic attacks, and Halo ultimately became an ode to my wife, who in these moments has shown compassion and cared for me to the best of her ability. The song is about that paralyzing feeling of sickness that can render you temporarily dead to the world, but more importantly it’s about the debt that we owe to those who are there for us.

This is our attempt at a pop song. It’s the only song on the record with a chorus that repeats, and it loosely follows a verse-chorus-bridge-chorus formula. Other than that, we got to stretch our limits a little bit by making this the fastest song we’ve written.

LYRICS

healer weakened by the dark

wild rose cloven from the torn gently as the wind had blown resting high upon your crown

frail in your arms aching from the warmth bound to remain here suffer evermore

suspended in this moment of loss every nerve severed and raw the door’s nailed shut chained to the bed i’m so tired my eyes shut again

halo

"The Diving Bell"

The mantra Breathe Deep anchors this song, returning multiple times to reinforce that claustrophobia. This song explores the peak of a true panic episode, catatonia, helplessness, etc. The feeling of being out-of-body, and calling out into the void for help.

Obviously this track is a sort of centerpiece for the album, musically. There are repeating phrases and motifs that let you feel like you’re hearing something new, but in actuality you’re just hearing a different version of something from earlier in the song. This track was meant to showcase the most extreme distance between the heavy and light elements of the band.

Pat Hills also did the dual guitar lead part with us, and that is one of my favorite things we’ve ever recorded.

LYRICS

breathe deep the only way out espaces me

sinking lower in a slow dive

lay here motionless alone

breathe deep in waters of purity lungfuls of what is to be

sinking in waters of purity lungfuls of what is to be

lay here in waters of purity lungfuls of what is to be

quiet weightless catatonic eyes unblinking mute and empty bury me in silt

the pain comes in distant waves echoes of what once were hidden wounds voices cast out through still air listen for me calling home

breathe deep

"Visions"

The lyrics to Visions were meant to give it finality, as the end of the album. It’s about accepting death, and the darkness that follows some of us throughout life. It’s also about holding on, even in our final moments. Asking to be “buried slowly”, to let us all have time to think and work through some shit before we have to call it a day.

This track is a sort of mashup between a spindly clean riff that King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard might use, and a powerful seasick drone that a band like Yob might use. Visions has a very chant-like, almost Gregorian element to the vocals, and when that’s laid over almost tribal drums, we knew we had something interesting on our hands. That sorta didgeridoo-like sound during the choruses is an electric bass with two strings being played with a bow. That was 100% Jacob’s idea and he executed it perfectly.

LYRICS

sickness floating in the eye of all men

fallen tears in the well poison the crumbling earth rose in bloom thorned red and gold baby’s breath like cancer, grows

fading light casts a glow over my face alone when I go bury me slowly when I go bury me slowly

visions

Shallows by chrome ghost

Reflection Pool by chrome ghost

Choir of the Low Spirits by chrome ghost

Follow The Band

Get Their Music

[trashboatprince]

(People asked me to post my analysis about Bendy Land being a reality in New York, and I’ve had this in my drafts since December so it’s very out of date, especially since the Employee Handbook sorta confirmed that it was in development before JDS went bankrupt. Everything bold is new information, everything without it is the old info I was working on at the time before I got annoyed with myself for making this post

Make of it what you will, I overthought stuff from one chapter of the freaking game. Enjoy.)

-- I was looking through the Bendy wiki for images for Joey’s apartment, just to see the contents of his cork board, when I really took notice to something.

There are tickets for Bendy Land pinned to the board.

Now, I was discussing this little theory/idea with my friend the other day, what if Bendy Land had actually been a reality, not just an idea that had been stopped in it’s tracks due to a lack of budget.

Under the cut is a bunch of ideas as to what would have been the causes for the park to go under if it were a reality in the world outside of the studio, and why it could have helped in Joey Drew Studios’ bankruptcy. 

Now, if Joey HAD the budget to make Bendy Land a reality, obviously it would have to be within an easy access drive to the studio. So it would be located in New York, or at least within a decent driving distance to Brooklyn, if that is where the studio is supposedly located (don’t quote me on that). Turns out it is in NYC so I have that going for me

Okay, that’s not too bad, right? Well, that would mean the park would have to be a seasonal amusement park, the cold weather wouldn’t do it any good and people don’t really want to go to a theme park during a New England winter. That’s not a problem, there are a lot of parks that operate during warmer months up in this region (Coney Island being a good example), but Joey will have to deal with the upkeep during the winter, and that’s not always cheap.

You gotta pay to keep the rides from being damaged by the weather and vandals, you gotta make sure you’re prepared to open when the operating season opens, usually in May (a lot of seasonal parks open around Memorial Day). Could Joey afford this? Possibly, if he cares enough to deal with such a big oversight.

Then you have to consider sponsors, they help to pay for A LOT of content and material in parks. Disneyland was practically built on the money it got from all the sponsors that signed up with the parks. That means Joey would probably get money from Briar Label and GENT, which would make sense as to why there are official Bendy posters that show the sponsorship and why we see the brands all over the studio.

It’s possible that a lot of the money for the studio in general came from these companies. And I was right

And, of course, whatever Bertrum contributed.

After all, this was his magnum opus project! He was going to build one hell of a park!

Now we have a problem with this.

Bertrum says in his tape before you fight him that it was to be the largest park ever built. Hoo boy, there’s a big load of problems with that. 

A seasonal park that’s deemed to be that impressively large is going to fail, big time. There is no way that a park only open for a short time (usually from May to October) will not have the budget to keep running for the next season that well.

From what we see of Bertrum’s ideas, both drawn and being worked on, this project was MASSIVE. The park is huge in size from what we see with the model and designs. It looks like it would have had a large number of rides, attractions, ect. It even has it’s own railway, with actual trains!

Look, I’ve been to so many theme parks in my life, 95% of them ARE seasonal and none had full-on train engines that big. Those are practically real engines, not the small ones you normally see at amusement parks. 

There is obviously a lot of work and money put into this, and I can see why Grant went off the deep end from trying to crunch the numbers.

From Bertrum’s second tape, it clearly sounds like the park had actually been built (though in-game it appears to still be in construction), so from what we’ve seen in Storage 9 shows just a sample of what the real-world park had to offer. And judging by the giant Bendy arm in the room with the Butcher Gang... there was a lot going on.

I think the park may have ran well in its first year or two, but Joey’s spending and lack of budgeting clearly had an impact on the life of the park, and the studio.

Disneyland did well, even after the disastrous first day, because it was clearly built to adapt to new changes, it had so many sponsors and backing, and it was built in California, where it’s got way better weather to allow it to stay open all year around.

Bendy Land may have been built in a good area for just warm months in New York, but clearly from what we’ve seen with the actual Bendy cartoons, the park was probably not built to adapt to changing eras. Bendy in the cartoons is still straight up stuck in 1929 with animation. At the point of time that I assume Bendy Land would have started construction (1935-1945, a time when amusement parks were beginning to see a boom, especially AFTER the war when families were spending more time together for vacations), it was rare to find cartoons still being done in black and white, most animations studios had already shifted into using color to keep up with the competition.

But this is Joey we’re talking about, the man clearly liked to think big, but only with what he could work with. 

And now we’re gonna talk in bold cause that’s where I stopped.

So basically, the book pretty much states that the studio went bankrupt and Joey’s projects came to a halt, but this post is still about the reality of if Bendy Land became a real thing, so let’s stick with that mindset.

I feel like Joey would waste too much of the money the studio was making on the park, on trying to keep it running and functioning during the months it’s open. Clearly, this will cause issues for the studio itself.

Budgets would be slashed something awful, you’re practically working for next to nothing cause your paycheck is going into making sure some kid can get a Bendy toy from a carny.

And would Bendy still be popular? Would he and his friends still have an impact on the people? 

During WWII, if you didn’t do propaganda cartoons for the US, you were S.O.L. for your studio to stay afloat. A lot of studios who were doing decently at the time suffered for not ‘doing their patriotic duty’, which wasn’t their faults, they weren’t getting the money or viewership. Didn’t help that a lot of staff members were deployed.

Obviously the novel shows that the studio stuck around for a while, maybe they made some shorts, or Joey bribed to have Bendy cartoons play alongside Private Snafu shorts or Donald Duck episodes. I’m getting distracted, but still, the studio somehow stuck around so Bendy would still be known.

But let’s also take into account that a lot of studios have had parks themed on characters before. Hanna-Barbara has had a number of parks based on the Flintstones (that all failed), Japan has had parks based on their own characters, and English book characters, that all failed or aren’t as popular as Disney yet still kinda draw in crowds.

Bendy Land would probably last for about five or so years, give or take.

Seasonal parks are a risky move, you have to constantly make sure they are taken care of during the down seasons. You have to be able to attract big enough crowds each open season that bring in just enough money to keep going. You have to keep in good contract with sponsors or else you will lose money.

You have to have rides that people want to ride, you have to keep safety up, you have to pay your employees and give them decent privileges/bonuses/money that will want them to keep working there (Joey clearly wasn’t allowing that, according to footnotes from the handbook).

Also, you HAVE TO PAY THE CONSTRUCTION PEOPLE. Joey wasn’t really doing a great job with that either!

This park, if it had been finished, would have been the kick to the crotch during Joey’s downfall. Maybe he dodged a bullet with his studio going under, because it probably didn’t cost him as much as it would have if his theme park died on him (he could make back money by selling it/the rides, but that’s a whole other issue cause a lot of times... parks are straight up left to rot when no one wants them or their rides. Looking at you, Hard Rock Park in Myrtle Beach, SC. You were a sad sight to see for a while when driving past to go to the boardwalk)

But yeah, this was just me rambling, like, this was just a huge thing about the idea of Bendy Land being a reality and how it really wouldn’t have been a huge success if it had been finished. Poor Bertrum, that would have been a huge pain in the ego.

Aaaaaannnnddd... that’s all I’ve got. I can’t think of anything else right now, but I’m very sure there’s more.

Anyway, thanks for listening to a guy with too much time to think about a fictional amusement park cause he spends too much time watching theme park history videos on youtube and overthinks about Bendy.