#i started doing that in 2013 and to this day… i still can’t afford a real packer

[stonebutchery]

it was 2004 and adam was barely scraping by. be real with me, do you actually think adam is using anything other than a bunched pair of tube socks as a packer?

[sflow-er]

Some thoughts on the hierarchy at Hillerska

A few days ago, @raincitygirl76 made a really intriguing post about how the show is about the class system (find it here!), mainly focusing on Hillerska’s impact as an employer and the types of students who go there.

That inspired me to go off on a tangent and make a separate post about the hierarchy. I’ve been using Agnes Hellström’s book about the real boarding schools (‘Att vara utan att synas: Om riksinternaten Lundsberg, Sigtuna och Grenna’, 2013) as a fanfic reference, so I’m also using that here. It was written back when the schools were still allowed to charge for tuition, and I’m sure things have improved since then. However, much of the content is pretty consistent with what Lisa has said about doing research for YR and what we see in the show.

Disclaimer: I’m not Swedish, just a Nordic neighbour, and these are just my own impressions. If I’m wrong about something, please feel free to add on to this or correct me!

Let’s start with a description of the hierarchy by a former student (he attended long ago, but the author confirmed it largely held true in 2013):

”De som var grevar, baroner och friherrar var högstatus, sedan kom de som var snuskigt rika, ’uppkomlingarna’ som inte fötts rika, företagsledares barn. Därefter kom en grå massa av oss andra, efter dem lärarbarnen och sist kom externerna.” (p. 58)

So, the top tier is reserved for the aristocracy. Kids from comital, baronial, and untitled noble families. They’ve been going to these boarding schools for a long time. Interestingly, it’s mentioned in the book that some of them may have even experienced bullying in a normal school; specifically, the ones who have grown up sheltered on their family estates (likely too far away to attend the exclusive schools favoured by the elite in the cities). They might be singled out and picked on in a more modern crowd, but at the boarding schools, they are the leaders.

The next tier is for the non-aristocratic elite: the filthy rich, the ‘upstarts’ who weren’t born rich, the children of business executives. The order that this former student lists them in feels significant, because old money looks down upon new. According to the book, the old elites felt that the schools were ‘ruined’ when even just more nouveau riche and scholarship kids started coming in (they must’ve hated it when the tuition fees were abolished!!). So, kids like Alexander are likely to be treated worse than those whose family’s wealth goes back several generations - but they are still part of this group.

The next tier is for other boarding students who aren’t as rich. At the time discussed in the book, their parents often took out loans to get them in. As we know, that isn’t the case anymore, but the schools do still have ways of keeping the ‘riffraff’ out... Some of the knowledgeable Swedes here on tumblr have written about this.

Furthermore, I think we can also include the ‘optional’ costs as a deterring factor for those who can’t afford them. Back in 2013, parents were apparently advised to put at least 10.000 SEK aside on a ‘student account’ for other expenses (some kids would take taxis to the nearest town, for example, and they could also use it to buy stuff they needed from the school). I’m guessing the student account may not be a thing anymore, but as we see Sara struggle with money in S2, there will still be stuff you don’t want to miss out on. Also, the extra tutoring seen in S1 is based on real life. The price in the show seems to be pretty close to reality, although according to the book, the teachers could sometimes offer discounts to “poorer” boarding students... (I’m sure it’s not humiliating at all to accept let alone ask for that.)

On the next tier down, we find the teachers’ kids, and the former student interviewed specifically mentions that the non-residents are at the bottom. So I guess Englund or Ådahl’s kids would be treated a little better than Simon and Sara in the show, but they would still be looked down upon. It’s mentioned in the book that the teachers often live on the premises, and I get the impression that they can bring their families too (there was a story about a teacher whose boyfriend was going to move in with her there), but I’m not 100% sure.

So why don’t we hear about these other boarders or teachers’ kids in the show?

Well, the book talks a lot about how everyone is acculturated into the same inner-circle mentality. Despite the internal hierarchy, the boarding students still feel closer to equal than one might think. They all get to be part of the elite bubble, and they want to stay there. Even though it’s a community with very strict norms and very little wiggle room.

A few illustrative quotes from the book:

Trots externerna blir tillvaron så sluten, åsikterna likriktade. En lärare flyttade sin son från Sigtuna till Märsta efter att sakta men säkert ha sett honom förvandlas till en brat. Sonen är fortfarande arg över det. (p. 76)

Lundsberg hade varit ett isolerat, klasslöst samhälle där alla tyckte likadant. Inget revolterande, ingen politisk diskussion. [...] Det var en del av hela Lundsbergs koncept, att träna ynglingarna att lyda auktoriteter och inte göra uppror. (p. 133)

Eleverna på riksinternaten påminns ständigt om att de är Sveriges framtid och Sveriges elit. Där den traditionstyngda kulturen med gamla anor är som starkast är det som svårast att våga sticka ut. Ramarna blir snäva, rörelseutrymmet begränsat. Normen är vita, heterosexuella överklassbarn (med lika vita heterosexuella överklassföräldrar). (p. 144)

To paraphrase in English, these schools are closed bubbles where everyone follows the rules and shares the same opinions, to the point where even those who aren’t technically elites (e.g. the teachers’ kids) start to turn into entitled brats. Rebellion and political discussion aren’t really a thing, and the students are taught to respect authority. As we know, this isn’t just the school’s authority; it’s also the authority of the older students (we see this in the show, and there have been plenty of real-world revelations of hazing and ‘peer upbringing’ among students). And of course, it’s also the legacy of those who came before them. They are constantly reminded of their elite status, wrapped up in old traditions and conservative thinking, and expected to fit into a white, heterosexual, upper-class box.

[As an interesting sidebar, the book supports what the creators of YR (Lisa?) have said about most queer people in such schools. Nobody is openly bullied or harassed for their sexuality, but they are gossiped about, and people usually choose to stay in the closet. Being trans is basically unheard of, and traditional binary gender norms abound. Many students feel that it’s even harder for boys to come out than it is for girls.]

In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say there probably are other students at Hillerska who aren’t necessarily part of the elite - but they want to be, so they’re not going to stand out. I’m sure there’s been a lot of progress since the book’s publishing, but considering how well it aligns with S1 of YR in particular, the changes we see Wille enact in S2 do feel rather revolutionary.

[prolifeproliberty]

I was curious, you are a prolife activist, a teacher, and becoming a doula as well correct? So clearly you have a passion for children, if you don't mind me asking, Where did that passion come from and do you plan on having kids of your own?

Thanks for asking!

I’ve always liked working with children, so teaching made sense. What’s funny is I thought I would love teaching early elementary, but while it might be fun to read books to a couple kindergartners, managing 25 at one time was a little tougher lol

Middle school works for me because the kids are a bit more independent and they can have rational discussions about their behavior. I also like having 50-minute class periods rather than the same group of kids all day.

All of that I guess ties into my passion for pro-life activism - I care about children and don’t want to see them hurt, including preborn children. That activism started in 2013 when then-Texas State Senator Wendy Davis did her filibuster against a pro-life law being passed in Texas. I had never before seen someone so passionately argue for the destruction of innocent children. It boggles my mind that anyone could be pro-abortion. Prior to that, I saw abortion as some terrible thing that happened in other places, not something that I would ever have to deal with. Then I learned there was an abortion facility less than 10 minutes from where I lived at the time. That was it- I was now involved. I became a sidewalk advocate, started a pro-life group on my campus, interned and then worked for Students for Life. I’m still involved with my local pro-life advocacy group doing sidewalk advocacy and 40 Days for Life.

The doula thing was a natural extension of my pro-life beliefs. I read statistics that showed having a doula reduced complication rates for both moms and babies, and I found an organization in my area that provides free doula services. I got my initial training with them and attended my first few births as a volunteer doula. They were really woke/leftist however, and eventually I realized I didn’t want to actually be associated with them. The final straw was when they put out a call to their volunteers asking who could offer abortion doula services for Jane’s Due Process, a group that helps minors get abortions without their parents’ knowledge/consent.

So now I’m an independent doula and I got my certification from Stillbirthday. I’m certified as a birth and bereavement doula, which means I support moms and babies even when there’s a situation where the baby may not survive or has already died in the womb. That was important for me, because part of that involves recognizing the humanity and personhood of babies in the womb, including those miscarried very early. Because I recognize their humanity, I can validate the grief that the parents feel. They lost a child, not just a “potential baby” or a “pregnancy.”

The trouble right now is that I would love to be a full time doula, but I can’t afford to give up my current salary in the hopes of being able to make a living as a doula. So that limits how many clients I can take and when I can take them (mostly during the summer).

As for having kids of my own…without going into a lot of personal details, it would take a miracle (literally an act of God) for that to happen. And I’ve made peace with the reality that it most likely won’t happen. I enjoy my work, and I enjoy being “aunt” to a lot of my friends’ kids.

[nel-world]

hi

Opening Image: INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING (Reference: "(500) Days of Summer" (2009))

The girl rushes toward the elevator, but the doors close just as she reaches them. She sighs, clearly frustrated.

GIRL (Panting) Of course, the one time I’m actually on time... Just my luck.

Inside the elevator, the boy notices her through the closing doors. He fumbles to hit the "Open" button, but it’s too late.

BOY (Holding the elevator button too late) Uh, sorry... I... didn’t see you in time.

GIRL (Laughing it off) No worries. It’s like the universe is telling me to slow down.

As the elevator continues its descent, the boy watches the closed doors, his expression reflecting mild regret.

Theme Stated: INT. LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER (Reference: "Notting Hill" (1999))

The boy, feeling bad about earlier, waits for the next elevator. When it arrives, the girl steps out of it, having caught the next one. Their eyes meet, and he smiles, holding the door open for her.

BOY (Awkwardly) Do you, um... need help with anything? I mean, if you’re in a rush?

GIRL (Smiles warmly) That’s sweet, but I think I’m beyond saving today.

BOY (Chuckles) I know the feeling.

They step into the elevator together, a subtle connection forming as they ride up.

Set-Up: INT. ELEVATOR - LATER THAT WEEK (Reference: "(500) Days of Summer" (2009))

The elevator is quiet. After a long pause, the boy gathers the courage to speak.

BOY (Stammering slightly) So... uh, you just moved in, right? Which floor?

GIRL (Nods) Yeah, fifth floor. Still getting used to the place. You?

BOY (Looking down) Seventh. It’s... quieter up there, I guess.

GIRL (Smiling) I bet. The walls on the fifth floor? Paper thin. I hear everything.

The girl notices the guitar case he’s holding, her interest piqued.

GIRL (Noticing his guitar case) Is that yours? You play?

BOY (Nods) Yeah, just for fun. Mostly to unwind after work.

GIRL (Smiling) That’s cool. I love music... even though I’m tone-deaf.

BOY (Smirking) Somehow I doubt that.

They share a light laugh, the tension between them easing.

Music Connection: INT. ELEVATOR - ANOTHER DAY (Reference: "(500) Days of Summer" (2009))

The boy and girl are in the elevator again. This time, the girl is humming a tune.

GIRL (Realizing he’s listening) I love The Smiths.

BOY (Surprised) Sorry?

GIRL (Smiling) I said, I love The Smiths. You... you have good taste in music.

BOY (A bit shyly) Oh, thanks.

As the elevator reaches her floor, she starts to sing along softly.

GIRL (Sings along) To die by your side, such a heavenly way to die.

She smiles at him as she exits the elevator. The boy, left alone in the elevator, grins to himself, still hearing her voice.

Set-Up Continued: INT. GIRL’S APARTMENT - EVENING

The girl is on the phone, struggling with an old vacuum cleaner that isn’t working.

GIRL (On the phone) No, it’s not the cord. I checked. This thing is ancient, probably older than I am.

FRIEND ON PHONE (Voice on the phone) Get a new one, seriously.

GIRL (Sighs) Can’t afford it right now. Guess I’m stuck with this piece of junk.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The boy, passing by the girl’s door, overhears her frustrated sigh. He pauses, then continues on, the sound of the vacuum cleaner still echoing in the hallway.

Catalyst: INT. GIRL’S APARTMENT - DAY (Reference: "The Lunchbox" (2013))

The boy knocks on the girl’s door, holding a small toolbox. She answers, surprised.

BOY (Holding up the toolbox) I noticed you were having some trouble with your vacuum. Thought I could help, if that’s okay?

GIRL (Grinning) You’re a lifesaver. Come in, please.

He enters and quickly gets to work. After a few minutes, the vacuum hums to life.

BOY (After successfully fixing it) There, good as new. Well, almost.

GIRL (Grinning) You’re like my hero right now. Seriously, thank you.

BOY (Blushing) It was nothing, really. Just needed a little tweaking.

GIRL (Laughing) You saved me from a dust storm. I owe you one.

They exchange smiles, a new bond forming between them.

Debate: INT. BOY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (Reference: "Begin Again" (2013))

The boy and girl are sitting together, working on a song. The boy plays a melody on his guitar.

BOY (Playing a melody) How does this sound to you? Too upbeat?

GIRL (Closes her eyes, listening) No, it’s perfect. It’s like... hopeful, you know?

BOY (Nods) Exactly what I was going for. You’ve got a good ear.

GIRL (Smirking) Told you, not tone-deaf.

As they continue working on the song, the boy has a brief flashback of himself alone, playing a melancholic tune in his room.

FLASHBACK - INT. BOY’S ROOM - NIGHT

The boy sits alone, strumming his guitar. The room is dimly lit, filled with a sense of solitude.

BOY (Flashback) (Softly, to his guitar) It’s just me and you, old friend.

The memory fades, and he’s brought back to the present, realizing how much he enjoys her company.

Break into Two: INT. GIRL’S APARTMENT - DAY (Reference: "Sing Street" (2016))

The girl and boy are looking at the CD they’ve just made together. They designed the cover and are holding the final product with pride.

GIRL (Looking at the CD cover they designed) We actually did it. This is... kinda amazing.

BOY (Proudly) Yeah, it feels real now, doesn’t it?

GIRL (Smiling) More than real. We should do this more often.

BOY (Smiling) Absolutely. We’re a good team.

They share a moment of satisfaction and excitement, knowing this is just the beginning.

B Story: MONTAGE - HAROLD AND MARIA’S BONDING

INT. ELEVATOR - EVENING Harold and Maria share a laugh over a ridiculous story from Maria’s day.

MARIA (Laughing) And then he said, “That’s not how you use a stapler!” It was just so ridiculous, I couldn’t stop laughing.

HAROLD (Grinning) Sounds like you had quite the day.

INT. PARK - DAY They take a walk during lunch, enjoying each other’s company outside the office.

HAROLD (Smiling) It’s nice to get out of the office and breathe some fresh air, isn’t it?

MARIA (Nodding) Definitely. And the company’s not bad either.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Harold and Maria attend a film screening together, exchanging glances during the movie, sharing popcorn.

HAROLD (Whispering) You know, I usually don't share my popcorn, but I’ll make an exception for you.

MARIA (Whispering back, smiling) I'm honored.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY They continue to meet for coffee, discussing everything from their favorite books to their childhood memories.

HAROLD (Amused) You seriously read that book in high school? I would’ve never guessed!

MARIA (Laughing) What can I say? I was a bit of a nerd back then.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (Reference: "Eighth Grade" (2018))

The boy and girl sit at a table, discussing ideas for a vlog and social media usage.

BOY (Skeptical) A vlog? I don’t know... putting ourselves out there like that...

GIRL (Encouraging) It’s not about fame, just sharing our journey. Maybe it’ll inspire someone.

BOY (Nods, considering) Yeah, maybe. Could be fun too.

GIRL (Grinning) Exactly! Plus, we’ll get to see how ridiculous we are.

Later, the boy introduces the girl to one of his favorite music tracks.

BOY (Playing a track) This one’s special to me. It got me through some tough times.

GIRL (Listening intently) I can see why. It’s like... it’s speaking directly to your soul.

BOY (Quietly) Yeah. Music does that.

Fun and Games: MONTAGE - HAROLD AND MARIA’S BONDING

INT. ELEVATOR - EVENING

The girl and boy are laughing about the little things that annoy them.

GIRL (Laughing) And don’t get me started on people who don’t signal when they’re driving!

BOY (Chuckles) Or when people use their phones during a movie. That’s the worst.

GIRL (Rolling her eyes) Oh my God, yes! Like, just enjoy the moment, people!

INT. MUSIC GIG - NIGHT

The boy and girl attend a live music gig together.

GIRL (After the show, excited) That was incredible! I felt every note.

BOY (Agreeing) There’s something about live music... you can’t replicate it.

GIRL (Smiling) I’m glad we came. I needed that.

INT. ELEVATOR - LATER

They playfully argue over the lyrics of a song they both like.

GIRL (Insistent) No way, you’re totally wrong. The lyrics are about regret and lost chances.

BOY (Laughing) You’re overthinking it. It’s about learning from mistakes, not wallowing in them.

GIRL (Grinning) Agree to disagree. But I’m still right.

Midpoint: INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT

The boy and girl are alone in the elevator after a long day. They both seem a bit nervous, realizing how much they’ve come to care for each other.

BOY (Hesitant) I’ve never really told anyone this, but... I’m terrified of failing. It’s why I’ve never put my music out there.

GIRL (Gently) I get that. I used to be scared of letting people in... still am, sometimes.

BOY (Reflective) But you seem so... confident.

GIRL (Smiling softly) It’s all an act. We’re all just trying to figure it out.

There’s a shared understanding between them, a bond that’s growing deeper.

Bad Guys Close In: INT. ELEVATOR - ANOTHER DAY (Reference: "The Lunchbox" (2013))

The boy helps the girl with some Hindi lyrics for a song they’re working on.

BOY (Correcting her pronunciation) Try it like this... it’ll flow better.

GIRL (Repeats) Like this? How do you know this stuff?

BOY (Smiling) I had a friend who taught me. Music has no boundaries, right?

GIRL (Smiles back) Right.

Later, they have their first argument while working on the song.

GIRL (Frustrated) You’re just not listening! It needs more emotion, more feeling!

BOY (Annoyed) I am listening! But sometimes, less is more. You can’t just... force it.

GIRL (Angry) Maybe we’re just too different.

BOY (Quietly) Maybe.

The tension is palpable, and their connection feels strained. The girl’s family also begins to express concern over the relationship.

GIRL’S MOTHER (Concerned) You’re spending a lot of time with this boy... are you sure he’s good for you?

GIRL (Defensive) He’s great, Mom. We understand each other in ways no one else does.

MOTHER (Worried) Just... be careful, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.

GIRL (Sighing) I know, but I have to figure this out myself.

All Is Lost: INT. ELEVATOR - LATE NIGHT (Reference: "Garden State" (2004))

The boy and girl share a quiet moment in the elevator, both deep in thought.

BOY (Reflectively) Love isn’t easy, is it? It’s messy and complicated.

GIRL (Sighing) Yeah, but it’s also worth it. Even when it hurts.

BOY (Slightly withdrawn) Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the risk.

GIRL (Softly) It is. You just have to be brave enough to take the leap.

The boy feels misunderstood and begins to withdraw.

BOY (Quietly) Maybe we’re just too different. I don’t know if I can... keep up with you.

GIRL (Worried) What are you saying?

BOY (Looking away) Maybe... we should take a break. Figure things out.

GIRL (Hurt) If that’s what you want...

They part ways, both feeling lost and unsure of what comes next.

Break into Three: INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

The girl leaves a note on the boy’s desk.

NOTE: "I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m scared too."

Later, the boy reads the note and sighs, feeling a mix of regret and longing.

BOY (Quietly, to himself) Maybe we both need to learn to let go.

Finale: INT. GIRL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The boy and girl sit together, working on their song again.

BOY (Determined) Let’s make this song about us. No more hiding, no more walls.

GIRL (Smiling) Yeah, something raw and real. Just... us.

BOY (Nods) Let’s do it.

They pour their emotions into the music, creating something deeply personal and meaningful.

INT. SMALL VENUE - NIGHT

They perform the song together, their voices blending perfectly.

GIRL (Singing) We’ve come so far... just you and me.

BOY (Harmonizing) Through the ups and downs... we found our melody.

GIRL (Eyes closed, feeling the music) This is where we belong... together.

The audience is captivated, and the boy and girl share a moment of triumph, knowing they’ve created something special.

Final Image: INT. ELEVATOR - A WEEK LATER (Reference: "Notting Hill" (1999))

The boy and girl are in the elevator again, this time holding hands. The atmosphere is relaxed and happy.

BOY (Relaxed, leaning back) So, here we are again... in this elevator.

GIRL (Teasing) You finally mastered the art of holding the door open.

BOY (Laughs) Took long enough.

GIRL (Gazes at him) You ready for what’s next?

BOY (Smiling) As long as you are.

The elevator doors close, leaving them together, content and hopeful for the future.

[taletheoldcrowtold]

Pride 2024 - Day 29

Movie: Love is Strange

Made in: 2014 – Set in: 2013

Starring: Alfred Molina, John Lithgow, Marisa Tomei, Darren E. Burrows, Charlie Tahan, Cheyenne Jackson, Eric Tabach

Rated R for: Language

A romantic drama about love and family, it follows George and Ben, who just got married after thirty-nine years. But their union causes George to lose his teaching job at a Catholic school and forces the two to live separately at friend’s and family’s homes until they can get back on their feet.

A drama with some funny dialogue and relatable characters, it shows that sometimes living with people you know and love exposes you to things about them you wish you didn’t know.

Spoilers under Keep Reading Line

Ben dies in the end

This movie is funny yet heartbreaking as George and Ben are separated shortly after getting married. I felt bad for them, especially since I can understand the position they find themselves in. I felt like some of the friends and family didn’t really consider George and Ben and their issues. George was made to live with two people who had parties in their apartment a lot, which was clearly not something George had an interest in. And Ben lived with his nephew and his family and wasn’t told he was causing issues before they got too big to handle. I feel like if someone is doing something that might annoy you (in this case Ben was lonely and wanted to talk with Kate while she was working) then you should kindly ask that person if you could have some alone time. I liked George and Ben and their relationship, with a lot of the funny dialogue being between them. I was really sad to see Ben die in the end, as I felt it wasn’t needed in the story and only seemed to end that way to have a ‘depression ending for a gay couple’ movie trope.

Mom’s Thoughts: The movie starts with a joyous event, the marriage of long-time couple Ben and George, but soon their lives seem to fall apart. George loses his job because of his marriage to a man, they now can’t afford their apartment, and end up living separately at different family members’ homes while they look for a more affordable apartment. Ben goes to stay with his nephew and his wife and their teenage son. George moves in with two cops who like to party into the night. Naturally they miss each other and try to meet up and do things together. Living with others isn’t easy, either, and Ben put it pretty well when he tells George when you live with others you learn things about them you’d rather not know. The nephew’s wife is an author and writes at home. Ben is lonely and talks to her, disrupting her writing schedule. She suggests he go up on the roof and do his painting there. One day when he comes down from the roof, he faints and falls down the stairs, tearing the rotator cuff in his right arm. The ER doctor tells the family they should have Ben checked out by a cardiologist. George finds them an apartment they can afford from one of the guests at one of the cops’ parties. Unfortunately, Ben dies of heart disease soon after. This movie had moments of drama and humor, happiness and sadness, and overall was a fairly good movie. The one big drawback was that one of the couple dies in the end, albeit not by violence. But still, it would be nice to see more movies that depict the joyous times for members of the LGBT community without the sad endings.

[dankusner]

Greg Kelley, who was exonerated

FINDING PURPOSE After exoneration, Kelley starts nonprofit to help others get justice

Greg Kelley, who was exonerated after being wrongfully convicted of assaulting a child, still has nightmares that he is behind bars.

But the former Leander High School football star said he dreamed of something different almost three months ago.

“I was running in a marathon,” he said of the dream, “ and had a shirt on that said I was exonerated and running for the wrongfully convicted.”

Now he’s doing just that. Kelley, 28, has started competing in ultramarathons to help raise money for a nonprofit he started called the Vindication Foundation.

He said he raised $1,500 for the foundation through its website and social media in his first race April 27.

The foundation has three board members: father-in-law David Anderson, a retired Leander teacher and a motivational speaker; Denise Seiler, a family friend who is on the board of the Leander Chamber of Commerce; and family friend Kim Heikkinen.

“This foundation, which helps individuals who were falsely accused fight

“The same endurance I had to muster up in prison I now use in ultramarathons to go and fight for others.”

Greg Kelley

Exonerated after being wrongfully convicted of assaulting a child for justice, was something I was eager to be part of, and my hope is that the time I choose to personally spend with this organization will help many more people get the justice they deserve,” Seiler said.

Kelley said the foundation will provide awareness and education about the justice system by holding conferences and reaching out to people on social media through its website, Facebook page and Instagram.

He said he will speak at the conferences about his experience as well as invite judges, law enforcement officers, lawyers and people he knows who have been exonerated to speak.

He wants his foundation to be able to educate people about being called to serve as jurors, including what district attorneys and defense lawyers will tell them.

“I want to get them so equipped that when they sit in the jury chair, they won’t lose an hour of sleep wondering if they got to the right verdict,” he said.

The foundation also will raise money to help lawyers defend people who are wrongfully convicted and can’t afford to pay for a new investigation, Kelley said.

“I know I’m not the only person who got falsely accused and wrongfully convicted and incarcerated,” he said.

The nonprofit will work with lawyers, including Kelley’s own post-conviction lawyer, Keith Hampton, to identify the cases it will support, they said.

Hampton said he has had cases in which he can’t help people fight their convictions because they can’t afford to hire DNA experts or investigators to find new evidence.

“In post-convictions, it’s all about checking out and reinvestigating the case,” he said.

Kelley was wrongfully convicted in 2014 when a Williamson County jury found him guilty of super aggravated sexual assault of a child after a 4-year-old boy claimed in 2013 that Kelley had molested him at a day care in Cedar Park.

Kelley was staying at the day care site with a friend.

He refused to accept a plea deal and was sentenced to 25 years in prison.

Kelley was released from jail on bond in 2017 after a judge said a flawed Cedar Park pothree lice investigation violated his rights to due process.

In 2019, the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals overturned Kelley’s conviction.

Kelley’s legal team and a Texas Ranger had said in a 2017 hearing that it was possible that one of three people assaulted the boy.

Kelley won a $500,000 settlement from Cedar Park in 2022 after he filed a lawsuit against the city, a former Cedar Park police chief and the lead investigator in the case in 2020.

Claims in the lawsuit included that police never investigated other suspects.

Since Kelley has been exonerated, he has played a season of football for Eastern Michigan University; done a modeling gig for Hari Mari boots, a Texas company; and had his story featured on the Emmy Award-winning Showtime series “Outcry.”

He also has bought a home for his mother; married his high school sweetheart, Gaebri Anderson; and started a business that makes targets for ax throwing.

He said his business, Tomahawk Targets ATX, has three employees and is doing so well that he has time to train for the ultramarathons to raise money for his foundation.

Ultramarathons are races longer than the traditional marathon distance of 26.2 miles.

Kelley said when he started training for them about months ago, he could barely run a mile without stopping.

But he kept training, he said, and now is able to run 10 to 16 miles per day.

“The same endurance I had to muster up in prison,” he said, “I now use in ultramarathons to go and fight for others.”

He said he will be launching a campaign on his Instagram account in which he pledges to run 1 meter for every dollar donated.

There are 1,609 meters in a mile.

He just finished his first ultramarathon, the Austin Falls Ultra at Mc-Kinney Falls State Park on April 27, when he ran 31 miles.

“It was an amazing, painful, yet accomplishing experience,” he said. “I’m already scheduling my next one in June, a 50-miler.”

“My hope is that the time I choose to personally spend with this organization will help many more people get the justice they deserve.”

Denise Seiler Vindication Foundation board member

[im-invisible-erased]

So for like the past two days this person has been messaging me on twitch whispers. giving me “advice” on what to do with my channel... and like the advice makes sense but I had to hit them with the “This is too expensive right now, and I’d rather not cheap out on emotes/starting screens/ending screens etc.”  Them: Its not expensive you can find cheap. You can always just get cheaper ones to start out with.  (my internal perfectionist screaming... if you’re not gonna do it right the first time just don't’ bother, like I had emotes that I made sloppily and didn’t keep any of them except one that I just genuinely like.) But obviously I’m in the process of trying to get to a point where I could commission a friend to do all these things.

And I explained that it just wasn’t in my budget currently. And they just ignored it so I said “You clearly don’t understand the poverty struggle do you? When I say I can’t afford even 50 dollars right now I mean it. Between bills and rent. and Feeding myself and my cats. Without proper income to break even with these cost...I can’t invest anything else into a hobby that makes me 0 dollars an hour currently.” 

after that I found the “do not accept whispers from strangers” function on twitch.

Like I understand all these things would make my channel more appealing. Having a proper banner. Having good emotes. Having a good Starting soon/Ending Screens. Cleaning up the panels to be more streamlined. Having a proper BRB screen.  (which I actually did the panels and BRB screen downloaded from a free overlay pack)  

But realistically I understand that my channel will never even break 15 consistent viewers. I’ve been on Twitch since before it was Twitch. I’ve been a watcher since 2009 [JustinTV days]. And I’ve been a part time/hobbyist streamer off and on Since August 2013. I had to beg multiple communities to open my stream and mute the tab just to get affiliate. I did that for like 3 months streaming over 200 hours each month just to hit affiliate. If I didn’t network to do that. my stream would be forever 1-2 viewers with an average viewer count of 0.5-1. Because unless i get raided by someone else that is my statistics on most days. 

I don’t really care about low views. I don’t care that my community is basically just other peoples community that I am also a part of. I got my one goal to hit affiliate back in September and that’s all I wanted. Like I’m just a little invisible stream. which is honestly the vast majority of channels. Streaming to maybe nobody maybe 1-2 people but I still like to stream so I keep doing it. Not because its profitable or because I have like unrealistic goals with it. Just cause. 

Like if I put in more effort did more networking and stuff. I would probably grow but I cba with it all. I’m just a part time streamer and nothing more. 

sorry this was just stressing me out and needed to write my thoughts down in a place where I'm invisible. 

[riverspatrick]

CEXUAL MISHAPS

I rarely buy new. One's junk is my treasure, or so I thought -- sometimes junk is junk -- and my latest adventure taught me many lessons in upCEXing. Let me share the wisdom I inadvertently acquired dealing with CEX and old technology for the modern times.

This is a guide for whoever is looking to buy a used Mac and get the best value for a limited budget. Having done a lot of research during this bumpy adventure, this “essay” will answer the following existential questions:

• Can a Mac Pro shaped like a trashcan do the job today?

• Why dust off an old FireWire iSight camera and how?

• Is third party SSD blade worth the trouble?

• Which budget display comes close to Apple’s retina experience?

• Why choose an Intel Mac over a new M1 or M2 “affordable” and more powerful Mac Mini?

• Is CEX’s 24-month warranty risk-free?

My iMac 5K (late 2014) is dying. It's had three open heart surgeries (logic board replacements) within the first three years of its extended warranty. A few months after the warranty ended, I had to replace the power supply for a third party part which actually fixed several USB/Bluetooth/audio streaming dropout issues I had had from the start, issues that Apple’s geniuses attributed to software. A genius by script is a fool. Now, the iMac's wonderful screen's usable space is shrinking by the month, a beige fog thickening from the edges in, creating a widening trench where ghosts appear and fade away very, very slowly. The screen defects coupled with hardware errors that point to a bad core prompted me to look for a replacement machine. It had to be Intel. Apple's new M1 and M2 computers offer great power but no upgradeable route for the future, and many of my favourite software plugins are Intel only.

Initially I looked for a used Intel Mac Mini, which has just been discontinued by Apple with the introduction of their new M2 Mini. It had to be an i7. Sadly they go for a great lump of dough and they are highly desirable, therefore hard to find -- I love recycling, but hate the chase... During my search, I stumbled across the "trashcan" Mac Pro. To my surprise, people can’t seem to shift them on the second-hand market -- not desirable, therefore cheap and easy to find -- my kind of bargain.

I always wanted a "trashcan" Mac Pro. I once had the Power Mac G4 Cube, and find the late 2013 Pro (not so affectionally dubbed ‘trashcan’) a direct successor to my beloved Cube. It’s more than nostalgia, I assure you.

Power Mac G4 Cube 2000 - 2001

I chose CEX for their 24 month peace-of-mind warranty, and set the sat-nav for the closest Trashcan Pro available. The unit was pristine! I drove back home drooling, almost foaming at the mouth, I even resisted stopping for a toilet break -- I was the owner of the legendary "trashcan" Mac Pro! YES! The same one that went for £5K when new! I paid for it all in trade! BARGAIN!

Except it wasn't a bargain at all.

You saw that coming, of course; why would I write about happy times? The Trashcan Pro was trash. This would be the start of ongoing trials and tribulations which I hope to be done with by the time I finish writing this.

Mac Pro (Late 2013) 2013 - 2019

At first glance, the Mac Pro (late 2013) may appear like a step back from my iMac 5K (late 2014) but it actually supports a newer OS (Monterey vs the iMac's Big Sur). The Mac Pro is also still officially supported by Apple whilst the iMac became obsoletea few years back. Also, the Mac Pro's guts, including the CPU, can be upgraded up to a 12 core CPU, 128 GB RAM vs my iMac which is already maxed out with a consumer grade CPU (i7 4core), 32 GB RAM, 4 GB VRAM. It seemed like the right upgrade in theory, but I would not find out with a defective unit.

CEX has a 14-day return policy and a 24-month peace-of-mind warranty, YIPPEE!

I chose a different model located further away (London) and opted for delivery. Eventually, after an agonising week trying to rouse CEX out of their stupor (the item remained at 'stock-picking-in-progress' for five days), I received a unit that had surely gone through hell and back: scratches, discolouration, sticky spillage, dust, dust, dust, and I'm not talking fine dust; I pulled dust-bunnies from the grills the width of my pinky toe.

CEX has a 14-day return policy and a 24-month peace-of-mind warranty, so I gave it a chance.

Lesson starts here, my friends…

• SSD, or how to upgrade an old MAC’s storage.

Sadly, the Mac Pro came with a third party 512 GB SSD fitted with an adapter.

Adapters - buy cheap buy thrice!

Between 2012 and 2019, Apple used two types of connector for their SSD blades, both proprietary. In order to use a third party blade, one would need an adapter. The part is widely available and cheap. Thankfully? No. Apple rarely does things willy nilly. In order to work nice with the Mac, the SSD itself needs to comply to the Mac's and its OS' requirements, ECC being the start of many geeky terms I won't bore you with. So you think you can use any SSD with the said adapter? No. No you cannot. It might work for a little while, but you'll soon encounter issues with basic functionality. You'll see the blank folder-of-doom with the question mark. You'll have to zap the PRAM in order to force it to detect the SSD, which can only be done with a wired keyboard, I should add (I love "vintage", but I'm not a fan of wires). Latest Mac OS update that necessitates a restart will struggle to complete and leave you sitting at a blank screen hoping that another PRAM ZAP will do the trick. Beyond that, every time you turn the Mac off, the adapter will cause a kernel panic and have the Mac instantly reboot instead, punishing you for modding it with a cheap hack.

☒ 2012 - mid 2013 7-17 pin SSD APPLE connector

☑︎ Mid 2013 - 2019 12-16 pin SSD APPLE connector

Cometh OWC, the Mac friendly people who offer a solution at a premium price, of course. Their Aura Pro X2 blades offer speeds the Mac's old architecture can realise, but at 4x the price of SSD blades on the market, I decided to look secondhand. Remember CEX and their peace-of-mind warranty?

CEX happened to have a 1 TB OWC at a bargain price — oh goody! Several days later, the order got cancelled. Apparently they couldn't dispatch the item without further explanation and the item returned online for the taking. I tried again. I'm still waiting. I expect the same outcome, but I have decided to play along and see where that leads me.

In the meantime, I discovered that Apple used three manufacturers for their SSD blades: Samsung, Toshiba and Sandisk. They used two different connectors: 7-17 pin between 2012 and up to mid 2013, and 12-16 pin from mid 2013 up to 2019. Technically, it's possible to source out an OEM Apple part! Good news! CEX, 14 day, 24 month. Can’t go wrong… Unless the item remains in stock picking limbo and ends in cancellation. The OEM Samsung did not return in-stock, however, and I’m still waiting on the OWC...

Cometh eBay. £45 shipping included, Apple OEM made by Samsung, 512 GB, apparently in good condition. I should get it in 48 hours. More on the SSD saga later.

• DISPLAY for MAC peeps.

Coming from a 5K retina display at 218 PPI which looks like ink on paper -- no apparent pixelation -- I could not go for the common sub 100 PPI display. High pixel density monitors are not easy to find, mainly because the PC market caters to gamers (fast refresh rate performance over quality). You'll find plenty of 4K screens at 120 Hz, but what about PPI?

Well...

Research lead me to a 2016 LG 24inch 4K display which offers 185PPI and a displayport. LG has since updated the model, rebranding it under their ultrafine line which only adds 1 pixel “advantage” over the old one (186PPI)... But with the latter using USB-C connectivity, and being twice as expensive, the old model it is! CEX, 14-day, 24-month warranty… But there’s a snag… They don't ship displays. Collect only.

The nearest one of the three available was in Bradford, seventy miles from my door. I love an adventure — DAY TRIP! Bradford is a massive crater illuminated to the brim with rows and rows of fairylights, like standing at the heart of a gigantic beehive breeding glowing larvas. I enjoyed the sight. The CEX employees were lovely. I discovered Dunkin' Donuts had infiltrated the UK too! Bonus! I got a £10 box of 6 (3 maple, 3 Boston creams) possibly for the first and last time, at least on this side of the pond. Dunkin’ Donuts isn’t worth nearly £2 a piece. But I felt the rush of the adventure, and the fruition of a successful bargain hunt raised my spirit.

CEX was too busy to let me test the display. 14 day. 24 month. Can return it to any store. High spirits. Sugar rush. I chose the countryside roads. Sundown. Narrow lanes. No street light. Peaks, twists, the thickest fog I have ever encountered. An omen.

Home, safe, the display turned out to be complete garbage: rows of dead pixels; wide long “burn marks” or "smears" with a bubble on the physical surface of the screen. I began to ask myself what is a 14-day / 24-month warranty worth if everything I buy from CEX is unusable?! I promptly returned the display at my local CEX. Despite it all, spellbound by their 14-day / 24-month warranty, I gave them another chance. What are the odds that a second display turned out as bad as the first? Sheffield? Crystal Peaks? Haven’t been in a while, why not… I waited for the online confirmation the next day, but got a cancellation notice instead. Apparently, the display can’t be located.

(…)

Cometh eBay. Pristine condition. No warranty, but fuss-free. Lovely seller. Unit like new. Why was he selling such a wonderful display? Because he is using Windows, and Windows can’t scale a high pixel density display like the Mac does. My gain. Cheaper than CEX’s. Jackpot!

One last piece of the puzzle missing, though…

• SSD saga continued…

After a week, the 1 TB OWC gets cancelled at CEX on the day I received the 512 GB Apple OEM from eBay. I could finally test my new Trashcan Pro properly.

Let’s gather up the gear I’m playing with first.

My "new" kit

• Mac Pro (Late 2013) 3.5 GHz 6-Core Intel Xeon E5 with dual AMD FirePro D500 3 GB

£380 from CEX

I added 2x 16 GB 1866 MHz DDR3, leaving 2 empty slots for later IF the Mac Pro is a good egg. The good egg gets more ram. The bad egg goes back to CEX and I rethink the whole thing.

I switched the problematic third party SSD with an Apple OEM (Samsung) 512 GB SSD, bypassing the need for an unsupported adapter.

• LG 24inch 4K UHD IPS LED 24UD58-B DISPLAY

£130 on eBay

As close to Apple’s retina display as a budget monitor can get. I’m very pleased with this purchase. I work with it at a 3008 x 1692 scale. My eyes can’t focus at a close enough distance from the screen to notice any discernible pixelation. At 185 PPI versus the iMac’s 218 PPI, the window round edges aren’t as smooth, but by a narrow margin. You’d need to be as hopelessly finicky as me to notice.

• Accessories

Magic keyboard + trackpad (space grey), Apple HI-FI (more on that), ORICO SSD 10 Gbps enclosure + various USB3 external HDDs, Apple iSight camera (more on that).

First, I dressed the Apple OEM SSD with a layer of thermal tape then formatted it in online recovery mode (command + option + R on restart), and installed Monterey from scratch. Since, the Mac Pro has behaved like a Mac should. 

LESSON #1: don’t use third party SSD with adapter.

I should add that I tested 3 different adapters — all resulted with a less than desirable outcome. Unless you prevent your Mac to ever go to sleep and never, EVER restart it — I can’t recommend a third party solution.

Orico 10 Gbps SSD enclosure

Since I had bought a WD 1 TB “green” SSD to test the setup with, I opted for an ORICO SSD enclosure for fast external storage, which brings us to the Mac Pro’s older connections problem.

However tempting it is to get a Thunderbolt 2 enclosure, HDD, RAID, etc… DON’T! I already had a G-TECH raid for my iMac 5K, and the external SSD enclosure proved faster despite being limited by the Mac Pro’s USB3 speed (5 Gbps versus Thunderbolt 2’s 20 Gbps) which comes down to the mechanical HDD’s limitation versus the SSD’s. And yes, the SSD on USB3 outperformed the 7200RPM RAID 0 speed on both small and large files using Blackmagic’s speed test software.

LESSON #2: don’t waste your time and money searching for a Thunderbolt 2 solution.

Many RAID enclosures or external HDDs with Thunderbolt 2 are now too old to be trusted, and unless the unit is designed for the Mac, their software won’t be supported with the latest Mac OS. My G-Tech works with the Mac’s own disk utility tool, but others don’t and will be formatted for Windows.

Apple Hi-FI still rockin'

Speakers… I have 2 HomePod Minis that I wrestled with for a while. I used them -- or tried to use them -- as a stereo pair. Ideally I wanted to reproduce the look of the old Powermac G4 Cube with its gorgeous spherical speakers (see G4 Cube picture at the very top). But the HomePod Minis never worked as expected with the iMac 5K nor with the Mac Pro. I suspect it comes down to the older bluetooth 4 as the HomePod Minis play well with my Macbook Air M1 (bluetooth 5). Never mind, my Apple HI-FI still works and the Mac Pro has and optical sound output. The HI-FI is a fabulous boombox. They are hard to find and fetch a fortune, but I’m lucky to have gotten one back then. Apple’s HI-FI truly sounds amazing.

LESSON #3: old gear is fun

Apple iSight Camera 2003 - 2006

Speaking of legacy products… I love Apple’s old iSight camera. With the iMac 5K sporting a superior and integrated cam, I benched the FireWire iSight Camera and never thought I’d use it again… Except, the Mac Pro doesn’t come with a webcam, and it’s enough that I have to stare at LG’s generic plastic design all day that I thought of resurrecting the old iSight for a bit of Apple chic.

But it has FireWire 400, I hear you say dismissively?

Thunderbolt to FireWire 800 + FW800 - FW400 adapters

I found Apple’s Thunderbolt to FireWire adapter on Amazon for a reasonable price, £2 more than the cheapest one on eBay or CEX. With a £3 FW800 to FW400 adapter, my iSight camera is standing proud above all this “new” kit and working fine. Nostalgia? No! Not “entirely”! I call it recycling. Good for the environment, and I look better in standard definition too!

• SO IS IT WORTH ALL THE FUSS?!!!

Or is it Mac-fanatic indulgence? The Mac Pro actually outperforms the iMac 5k on many things, and I got quite lucky. As it turns out, the first Mac Pro I returned was manufactured in February 2014, not long after the model was first introduced. The second one, which is running smoooooothly so far, was manufactured in October 2018, not long before the model was discontinued. How can you find out when your secondhand Mac was manufactured? Here’s the link for you.

PROS

• Runs Monterey like a top

• Faster with multi-thread computation (particularly with video encoding) than many newer Macs

• Standalone unit — if it goes bust, I still have a working screen — if the screen dies, I still have the Mac Pro

• Upgradable to impressive specs - CPU - RAM

• Can boot with Windows unlike the M1/M2 Macs

• Compatibility with existing software

• Still handles latest pro apps without a sweat

CONS

• Very slightly slower on every day single-thread tasks such as surfing and mail (more cores = lower GHz)

• Output: Thunderbolt 2 (legacy mini displayport connection), USB 3 (5 Gbps), HDMI 1.4 (30Hz @ 4K), bluetooth 4

• Expensive eGPU expansion only

Right, enough geeking about for a while. I do hope this has helped some of you.

[babaenghumayo-blog]

My Dad

One of my biggest influences when it comes to love in music would be my dad. He would always take me to Odyssey when I was young. Odyssey is a shop full of compact discs (CD as we call it) for different artists. I am not sure if they still have shops until now but the one we used to go to in Festival mall already closed a few years back.

I remember my dad will make me listen to songs of Celine Dion and Westlife. Sometimes I will make him buy CDs of the artists I want. One Christmas back in 2009, I bought a CD of Justin Bieber’s very first album with the money I got from Christmas. That’s how popular CDs are before. Nowadays, all songs can be found digitally in either Spotify or Apple Music.

Looking back now, I know my dad has anger issues. He is triggered very easily with small things. I think that’s where I got my short-tempered personality (plus my passive aggressive side from my mom). My dad always think so highly of me since I was a child. Like I was this intelligent girl who knows everything, who can do everything and who can be anything. Well, I’m not. There was this one time when we were watching a Filipino game show “Game KNB?” with my sister and I was able to answer the one-million-worth question. My dad was so proud of me although I can’t really remember where I heard or read that question but I’m sure of the answer to the question. On the contrary, my dad would also criticize me for being bad in Math. In my defense, when I was in first grade, it was so hard for me to understand the logic behind even and odd number. I mean, why do you call them even? And why do you call them odd? So, being forgetful as I am, I can’t seem to memorize even and odd number and failed me in my tests back then, which my dad would be so mad about. But guess what, 20 years later, his daughter is working as an auditor in Europe. What are the odds. :P I mean, my job isn’t all complex Math but still requires a lot of numbers. Not to brag but I can say I am really good with arithmetic. The basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division I can do faster than others. Maybe because I was trained from spending time being a cashier from our bakery shop before. That’s the advantage of growing up with a family business I guess.

Anyway, going back to my dad. My dad is not getting any younger and is experiencing a lot of different sickness from time to time. He has diabetes, diagnosed with bronchitis and high-blood pressure which of course for sure his kids will inherently have. It is also evident with the lifestyle he has growing up. He smoked since he was 16 until he was diagnosed of Bronchitis when he was 52. He eats a lot. I mean, a lot. That’s why we were all really fat and living the unhealthy life in the late 2000′s. Me and my siblings all hate vegetables until we did fasting and lived the healthy lifestyle in 2020.

I can’t really blame my dad. He grew up in the province living day to day life just to survive and eat. He became an orphan at a very young age with his grandparents taking over of looking out for all 10 of them. He never went to high school and started to work at a young age because of lack of money and support. If my dad will ever have the just to finish his studies until college, I know for sure he will be one of the top of their class.

When him and mom came to Manila to establish their own business, it was a real gamble with their capital and assets all loaned to them by my aunties. It has been a success for the first 10 to 12 years. We were living a comfortable life when we were kids. However, it cannot sustain the demands the family needed when me and my brother went to college. My sister, who just graduated that time has to immediately find a job to help my parents to provide for the family. I remember we would go shop for grocery and only buy noodles, eggs and coffee because that’s what we can all afford, not even meat. That’s how low we got that time. This was between 2013 to 2017, my entire college life.

My dad is the kind of person who will do anything for his family. He doesn’t want anyone from his family to be shamed or taken advantage by anyone else. He will sell all the property he has just to provide for us. As I am writing this, all the flashbacks from the hard times we went through before came back in my memory because of the insufficient money we have. I will see my mom always mad or not in the mood living it through everyday hoping one day the suffering will all end. Well, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel indeed.

My dad is the kind of person who will push you to anything you want to be and support you all the way may it become a pianist, an artist, a doctor, a singer, a pharmacist, an accountant. He will never impose what he wants you to be because he knows it is your own life you are making. He is a tough man, he may have made mistakes and questionable decisions but that’s him being a human incapable of being perfect just like all of us.

[blahandwhatever]

Today was warm and gray and windy and rainy and busy with work, my only outing a quick evening trip to Target. I missed out on all the nicest days we had left, but I’d already resigned to the winter weather anyway. The fucked-again sleep schedule will not stand, however.

Again I missed out on so many good fall outfits, including new jackets I bought and didn’t get around to wearing. I need to get better at this season all-around. In the spring, I swear, there will be fashion.

On the other hand, I’m unusually pleased with my haircut, despite its shortness and tired, shaky-handed execution and minor mistakes. Slowly getting better after much too long.

The past few days, I browsed and browsed and shopped, scored some good deals and stocked up. Still didn’t cover all the possibilities, but it’s just too much, and I’m sick of it by now. I learned that iPads are cheaper than they used to be and decided to make it my Christmas present because TVs were a headache I didn’t feel like thinking about anymore. I bought tickets to Lightscape, for December this time, with my mother this time, only because the more expensive flex tickets were not yet sold out. I thought again about all I can afford that I couldn’t not so long ago.

Looked into a few data recovery services, but I think I’ll put that on the back burner until next year. I still want to do it, but there are, as with most things, a lot of options to consider, and I can’t even get a real quote without mailing the hard drive out for diagnostics, and I don’t feel like dealing with either the hassle or the expense in the coming month.

Still haven’t gotten into my Firefox account, but I’ve proliferated a respectable number of tabs and made myself a bit more at home. Tried and failed to install Microsoft Office 2013; finally caved and bought the 2021 edition.

Finally started watching The Sopranos - so far, so good.

[morrithal]

Anyway girls.... Check Please/All For the Game live reaction starts here

Blacklist "college sports fuckery" if you want but don't because I'm funny

Installment 1: CP Episodes 1&2 and The Foxhole Court Chapter 1

(under the cut bc it's very long. Also warning for flashing GIF)

Hey Eric Bittle is a very cute young man and I am adopting him. But also you can tell this comic started in (checks date) wait 2017?? I thought for sure he'd be saying ermahgerd here

Southern people calling northerners Yankees.... Like I know Bitty is a good boy but. Triggering behavior

Like I read a romance book that takes place post-civil war and the heroine is a southern woman who tracks down the hero bc she thinks he killed her brother in the war... Anyway long story short she was REAL proud to be southern and no they did not bring up slavery the whole book

Anyway I hate the word Yankees it makes me feel like you're... You Know

One of the first instances we see of Shitty he's calling Bitty "ya lil fucker" sir, your hand in marriage NOW!!

Also I'm surprised there weren't more instances of people making Bitty-and-Shitty jokes??? They are literally rhyming

RANSOM SAYS PUSSY?? TWICE RIGHT IN HIS INTEO PANEL HELLO??

Okay! Young love!

Conclusion: they are baby

.... Why am I scared to open this kindle book

I'm doing the hype up hyperventilation here we go

"Neil Josten let his cigarette burn to the filter without taking a drag. He didn't want the nicotine; he wanted the acrid smoke that reminded him of his mother. If he inhaled slowly enough, he could almost taste the ghost of gasoline and fire." so it really is like this from the very beginning

You put the killing thing in your mouth and you don't give it the power to kill you etc etc

Hello 2013 I've missed you

But really though I tried to read that to Roommate and I literally could not get through it. Everyone ask @esgaypism. I'm roping you into this

"It fell to the bleachers between his shoes and was whisked away by the wind. He glanced up at the sky, but the stars were washed out behind the glare of stadium lights." "A crew was already dismantling the court, unhinging the plexiglass walls and rolling Astroturf over the hard floor. When they were done it'd be a soccer field again" Nora Nora Nora. I am dying to know if we are fucking outside or inside. What is the purpose of putting an Exy field outside instead of inside except to have this scene where Neil is pensively smoking because he can't do that inside. I am in hell and my brain is also in hell

She wants me to believe that this town has less than nine hundred people and can still afford, and can scrounge up the players, to play this highly dangerous, clearly expensive, and /less than 25 year old sport--/

22 names in eight years... I love Neil Josten, I adore Neil Josten, he IS at the end of the day somebody's edgy 2013 oc

Immediately we know from this first chapter that his mom is dead and he associates her with cigarettes and gasoline, and that his dad is in prison and Neil will quite Literally Die if they meet again. Okay!

Again... If we are outside why is he trying to escape through the locker room... You manufacture scenarios to achieve images that appear in your head. I know this well

"Andrew Minyard didn't look like much in person, blonde and five feet even, but Neil knew better. Andrew was the Foxes' freshman goalkeeper and their deadliest investment." gotta admit. Short King Actual Murderer Rights. If I actually liked Andrew this moment would mean more to me

Every time Nora calls them "man" I feel the need to bite something. At 18 you are a baby. These are kids, my god

Girl there is literally so much exposition and backstory here. Also why are you, a man, watching so closely the careers of other men,

The fact that there are EXY LITTLE LEAGUES--

I was expressing my love of Kevin Day to Roommate and they were like "of course you love him, he's you" now what the fuck does that mean

"If Kevin remembered him, he'd know that file was a lie. He'd know about Neil's little league teams. He'd remember the scrimmage interrupted by that man's murder." I fully forgot about this. This is an insane thing to write and then immediately move on from what the fuck

Wymack... Dilf of the year 2013 I love this man

"It sounded like a dream; it tasted like damnation." Hey, it's the quote from the 5,000 orange and white and black edits!

Well! Um, this was not as nice and even as I would like, but as I recall the CP episodes get longer as they go, and I'll get quicker on the AFTG chapters as they get less Expository. For now though I'm going to rest my brain, and I leave you with this summary thus far:

Bitty: howdy YouTube! I'm a vlogger from the south, and I play hockey, and I'm clearly gay and I'm Not like the other boys. I hope they like me...

Wymack: join my sports team

Neil: NO I am eighteen and I have a batshit amount of trauma and I'm going to explain all of it and who two of the other major characters are in excruciating detail via internal narration

Wymack: join my sports team

Neil: fine. FUCK! Okay.

[joshjacksons]

Joshua Jackson interview with "Mr Porter" (2021)

Minutes before Mr Joshua Jackson joins me in a booth for a Friday afternoon drink at a vibey hotel bar in Santa Monica, he’s confronted by his past. Or rather, a woman in her early twenties who is binge-watching Dawson’s Creek, the teen show about a close-knit group of high-school friends coming of age in a sleepy American town, which made Jackson incredibly famous between 1998 and 2003. The series, which also made household names of Ms Michelle Williams and Ms Katie Holmes, went off air 18 years ago, but is now streaming on Netflix, to the bemusement of Jackson, who played lovable rogue Pacey Witter. “This girl was like, ‘Are you...?’ And I’m like, ‘Yes, I am. He got old. I’m sorry to break it to you,’” he says, before ordering an iced tea and a charcuterie board to tide him over until dinner time. “It always surprises me when young people say they’ve just got into Dawson’s Creek. I’m like, ‘Is it a costume drama to you? Do you feel like you’re watching a historical documentary?’”

The idea of a Friends-style reunion episode or a Sex And The City revival feels equally far-fetched to Canadian-born Jackson, now 43 and wearing it well in a pale green linen shirt and tailored linen trousers by Oliver Spencer that complement his fading brown hair and Cali-tanned skin.

“I don’t know why you’d want to [bring it back],” he says. “Nobody needs to know what those characters are doing in middle age. We left them in a nice place. Nobody needs to see that Pacey’s back hurts. I don’t think we need that update.”

And Jackson doesn’t need Dawson’s Creek. From Mr JJ Abrams’ sci-fi series Fringe (2008-2013) to the Golden Globe award-winning The Affair (2014-2019), from Ms Ava DuVernay’s ground-breaking true-crime drama When They See Us (2019) to the recent Ms Reese Witherspoon and Ms Kerry Washington-produced Little Fires Everywhere (2020), he has commanded the small screen – with a collection of dynamic and diverse work – ever since.

His latest role as Mr Christopher Duntsch, the Texas surgeon convicted of gross malpractice when 33 of his patients were left seriously injured after he operated on them and two of them died, in chilling Peacock crime drama Dr Death, is only stepping his career up another gear.

“I’ve never played anyone irredeemable before,” says Jackson, who is joined in the eight-part series (based on the 2018 Wondery podcast of the same name) by Messrs Christian Slater and Alec Baldwin. “He is charming, gregarious and has a high-level intellect, but he’s also a misogynist, probably a sociopath, certainly a narcissist and a complete incompetent who is incapable of seeing himself.”

If Duntsch is terrifying, then Jackson’s portrayal is even more so. The artist formerly known as Pacey is virtually unrecognisable (thanks to prosthetics) in the opening scene, but the real challenge for Jackson was allowing himself to view someone who is so “spectacularly evil” as a human being in order to walk in his shoes. “It’s a more damning portrayal of the man to make him into a human being, rather than just make him the bad guy,” he says. “He really believes he’s the hero, he’s the genius and that he’s the victim, so once I got past my own judgment, all the other things fell into place.”

Jackson might have his pick of stellar roles – and challenges – now, but it has not happened by accident. Take it from someone who has been in the business since landing his first job aged 14 in Disney’s live-action movie series The Mighty Ducks, opposite Brat Pack alumnus Mr Emilio Estevez.

“You try to make it look like it happens accidentally,” he says, “but there is no way to do this and not be ambitious. I’d say I’m extremely ambitious because I’ve been doing this cutthroat job for nearly 30 years. I’m in the pay-off phase of my career now. One of the benefits of surviving for as long as I have is you get to learn from your own mistakes.”

Such as? “I wouldn’t say, ‘I wish I hadn’t done that,’ because it all becomes bricks in a path, but [after Dawson’s Creek] I was not choosy enough about the things I was doing. You get stuck. You start trying to perform the performance you think people are hoping to see you do. I was so used to working all the time that I just worked all the time. There was definitely a conscious moment in my mid-twenties when I realised I wasn’t really enjoying the work that I was doing. My manager at the time just said, ‘Take a breath. You’re burnt out.’”

The turning point came in 2005, when Jackson was offered a role in the two-hander Mr David Mamet play A Life In The Theatre, opposite Sir Patrick Stewart. “God bless him, Patrick could have made my life miserable because I had no idea what I was doing, ” he says. “I hadn’t been on stage since I was a kid and now I was in the West End in over my head. But it reminded me that I actually enjoyed being an actor, that it’s not about the red carpet or travelling around the world. What I really enjoy is working on good material with good people.”

It’s no surprise Jackson’s time on Dawson’s Creek led to a career crisis. From the ages of 19 to 24, he lived with his fellow cast mates in Wilmington, North Carolina, filming day in, day out, in an arrangement he likens to college. “You get to the end and they’re like, ‘Here’s your degree. Go live now. You’re an adult. Go out into the world,’” he says.

But most graduates don’t have to deal with global fame. “It’s transitory. You’re only ever cool for a moment and then you become much less cool. I was always pretty dubious about flatterers,” he says, recalling a time he was stung in London in the mid-2000s. “I went on a date in Hyde Park with a woman whose name I will not use – she was socialite-famous – and she was acting completely bizarre, looking over her shoulder the whole time. I came to find out that she had hired a photographer to follow us through the park and gave a whole story to the tabloids about how I was going to meet her family.”

It was his growing fortune, rather than fame, that caused Jackson the most anxiety. “Suddenly, at 19 years old, I was making more in a week than most of my friends’ parents would make in a year,” he says. “It was lovely to have the money, but it was that feeling of nobody is worth that kind of money. You feel like a fraud and it took me a long time to forgive myself for not being the thing that I was perceived as.”

Born in Vancouver, but raised in Topanga, California, until he was eight (before moving back to Vancouver following his parents’ divorce), Jackson bought his childhood home in 2001 and lives in it today with his wife, British Queen & Slim actor Ms Jodie Turner-Smith, and their 15-month-old daughter.

“My father unfortunately was not a good father or a husband and exited the scene, but that house in Topanga was where everything felt simple, so it was a very healing thing for me to do,” he says. Fast-forward to 2021 and his baby daughter now sleeps in her father’s childhood bedroom. “There was a mural of a dragon on the wall in that room that I couldn’t believe was still there, years later. The owner [who sold him the house] said, ‘I knew it meant a lot to somebody and that they were going to come back for it some day.’”

Becoming a first-time parent during a pandemic sounds stressful, but it afforded Jackson months at home with his wife and child that his normal work schedule wouldn’t have allowed.

“I now recognise how perverse the way that we have set up our society is,” he says. “There is not a father I know who works a regular job who didn’t go back to the office a week later. It’s robbing that man of the opportunity to bond with his child and spend time with his partner.”

Despite his obvious career ambitions, fatherhood has changed Jackson’s priorities in “every possible way”, he says. “It’s 100 per cent changed how I approach my work and my life. That has been made so clear to me in this past year. For me to feel good about what I’m doing day to day, my family has to be the central focus.

“There are plenty of things left for me to do, but now the thing that gets me excited is experiencing the world through my daughter’s eyes. I can’t wait to take her scuba diving. I can’t wait to take her skiing. I can’t wait to read a great book with her. I’m not worried at all she’ll be a wallflower. She’s been a character from the word go.”

Jackson met Turner-Smith, 34, two days after his 40th birthday. He had been single since his 10-year relationship with German actress Ms Diane Kruger ended in 2016. “I was not looking to fall in love again or meet the mother of my child, but life has other plans for you,” he says.

The couple met at a party. Turner-Smith was wearing the same The Future Is Female Ejaculation T-shirt Ms Tessa Thompson’s character, Detroit, wears in the 2018 film Sorry To Bother You. “That’s what I used to break the ice. I shouted, ‘Detroit!’ across the room. Not the smoothest thing I’ve ever done, but it worked. We were pretty much inseparable from the word go. It was a whirlwind romance and I can tell my daughter I literally saw her mother across a room and thought, ‘I have to be next to this woman.’”

A self-confessed “useless” shopper, Jackson gives his wife full credit for his current wardrobe. He is jewellery-free, apart from a wedding band and a gold signet “JJ” ring on his little finger (a present from his wife), and discovered tailored sweatsuits (by Stampd and Reigning Champ) in the pandemic.

“Jodie has influence in the way that a wonderful wife encourages you, through love, to dress well. She was like, ‘We’re going to throw away all the sweatpants from your past and I’m going to get you some that actually make you look like an adult male and you will still feel comfortable around the house,’ and I’m like, ‘What an amazing idea!’ Who knew you could get sweatsuits that actually look good on your body?”

Jackson’s style has evolved, he says, “from slovenly teen to it’s-nice-when-your-clothes-actually-fit-you”. The penny dropped after he auditioned for his former co-star Estevez, who was directing the 2006 Mr Robert Kennedy biopic Bobby. He said to me, ‘You only got this job because I know you. You came in here to play a very well-put together 1960s political operative and you’re wearing jeans and a hoodie.’

“I had to grow up a little bit. We are very much raised in Canada to never, ever show off, so it took me a while to recognise it’s OK to look good when you go out.”

Still, when you’ve grown up in front of the camera, “every pimple literally documented”, and lived (very successfully) to tell the tale, you can probably be forgiven for the odd fashion faux pas.

“I wore a silk Ascot to an event once in Paris and I still have nightmares about it,” he says. “I looked like Fred from Scooby Doo, but you live and learn.”

[asct327]

Promise Me Forever

Introduction/Prologue

August 16th of year 2013. It was the first day of college. I took the course I wanted since I was 10 years old. Made new friends and experienced a whole new world evolve around me. It was fun, yes, but it wasn’t as easy as it looks. Four years later, even though I knew I was still a bunch of steps away from my dream, I was happy with what I was doing. The biggest day of my life, the pre-med grad ceremony, I met the love of my life. 10 years later, I married him. And here we are, still together, still in love.

 CHAPTER ONE:

It was a lovely day. My best friend, Leia, came to pick me up for school. She’d been my best friend since high school. On our way to school, she told me that a new student will be entering our class. It was one week through the schoolyear. As we arrived, our other best friend Ellie, greeted and came along. We were officers of the student council this school year. All eyes were on us every day, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I was a popular girl in our campus, but at home, I was the only child of a single father. I wasn’t ashamed of what my dad does to feed the two of us. He works as a school bus driver in a daycare center. He gave what I needed and wanted, all the material things that he can afford, and I appreciate that. But all I really wanted was a mother’s love. The next morning, it was our midterm exams. I told Leia and Ellie to go to the classroom already, and that I was just going to freshen up. But the truth is, I was going to cry all of it out. For the past 22 years of my life, I never had the feeling to have a mother by my side. “Ms. Cooper, are you okay?” I heard a familiar voice coming from the hallway of the restroom, it was Mrs. Wilson, our English teacher said. “Oh, hi ma’am. Yes, I’m fine. I’m just nervous for the midterm exam” I replied. For the next hours, I was shaking while answering the tests they’ve given, but fortunately, I aced all of the exams. I went home exhausted and felt like I didn’t want to go outside like I used to. One time, I noticed that everything was changing since I entered college, and I kinda felt sad about it. But I was growing old, to be responsible enough, to be mature enough.  The next weeks were draining. We were getting ready for a contest that I entered in. It was an art contest, and just after the awarding, Ellie and Leia had a surprise party for me. And there, I met a guy named Nathan. “Uhh, hi!! I’m Nathan Wilson, Mrs. Wilson’s son. I’ve heard stuff about you. My mom always talks about you. She said you were her top student.” He said greeting me. “Oh hi! I’m Alexandria but you can call me Lexie.” I introduced. And after that, we seem to get along. We hung out almost every day, we even have the same taste in music!!

CHAPTER TWO:

June 23rd of year 2017. It was the last weeks of college. I still can’t believe me and my girls managed to finish this course. We were getting ready for the ceremony as I noticed Dad hanging out with his girlfriend, he wasn’t too old to love again. They’ve been dating for two years now. And I’m happy to see him being happy. As for me, well, Nathan and I are quite hanging out as usual, and yes, I won’t admit but I like him, not romantically, but he’s already my best friend. As the awarding started, I went to the music room, started playing “They Don’t Know About Us” by One Direction on the piano, as the song went by, I noticed a shadow from the door. I heard him humming through the song. I stopped playing and sang along. “They don’t know about the things we do.” “They don’t know about the I love you’s” a voice continued. “Uhmmm, hi? I’m David. One of the graduating students.” He introduced himself while showing up. “Hi, I’m Alexandria.” I introduced myself. As we got back to the hall, he was called to the stage, it was his turn to accept the award. I was shocked to know that he was Nathan’s cousin! It was my turn to get up the stage and receive my award. I was the one assigned to do a farewell speech. I looked at the paper, and started delivering the speech. One year later, David courted me. He promised that he’ll wait. And I know that he’ll keep his promise. We started hanging out, going on dates, and even going on road-trips. Our first date was on BTS’ Love Yourself tour. And it was romantic. After the concert, we ate at my favorite resto, Nando’s. Although we didn’t have that much time to spend together, every time we had the chance, we use the most of it. And luckily, we went to the same med school. It was my birthday the next day. Leia and Ellie went to my place. My dad and Ysabella, my step-mom, were the ones who cooked the food. And my dad told Ysa to just rest because well, she was pregnant!! And as we were done eating, David and I went to the swing where we always hung out whenever he visited me. “Love? I know it’s been months since you’ve been courting me. And yes, I’m now officially calling you, my boyfriend.” I said, giving him a peck on the cheek.

CHAPTER THREE:

May 18th of year 2018. It was Leia’s birthday and our 10-year anniversary, and we went to her place to celebrate. “Happy birthday, Bessie!!” I greeted with a hug. We just hung out, watched movies and tucked in. She and Ellie were together, too. I mean romantically. “How’s your relationship with Ellie, by the way?” I asked “it’s fine. We’re fine!!” Ellie replied. “Oh, that’s great!!” David said. The next day, we didn’t have enough time to go out. So, we had a double date that night. We ate at Ellie’s family resto. “Mrs. Addams, thank you for taking us in. Sorry for disturbing.” I spoke. She said: “Oh, no problem, dear. You’re all part of this family. You’re all welcome here anytime. If you need a place to do your schoolwork and research, you can come here any part of the day.” We went home already. As usual, it was exhausting, but worth it. Alas, we were at the end of the semester already. Ysa and Dad weren’t home, so I asked David if he could stay over. As we went to bed, I did my routine, washed my face, brushed my teeth and everything. Then I felt hands wrapped around my waist. It was David, of course. Then he kissed my forehead, and we cuddled each other to sleep. “You’re a little spoon, huh?” I said. “Mhm.”  Was the last thing he muttered before falling asleep against my chest. Thank goodness it was Saturday the next day. I forgot to wake up to my alarm. I usually wake at 3 in the morning to have a review of the lessons. I smelled the aroma of cinnamon through the kitchen. Then I saw him wearing an apron, melting the chocolate bar. It was his signature dish. “Good morning, Love!” he greeted, kissing me on the cheek. “Good morning honey! Wow, that looks yum!” I greeted. “Oh, when we get married, you’re gonna get used to this.” He said, sarcastically, “Oh, will I? Looks like I will. Just promise me we’ll get married.” I replied. “I promise.” ­­­­he answered as he cupped my cheek and we kissed on the lips, for the first time. His lips were soft. It felt somehow, magical. “Yum!!” I squealed excitedly; footsteps were thudding towards the kitchen. It was Dad, Ysa and my little sister, Andi. They went out to eat because it was her level-up ceremony. “Hey, Lexie!! Hi David!!” she greeted in glee. “How was your day, sweetie?” Ysa asked. “Oh, it’s fine. David and I cooked something if you’re hungry.” I answered. Ysa has been trying so hard to part of our family for the last 2 years, and I’ve seen that and I appreciate it. We got along so well from the day my dad introduced her to me.  And she takes good care of us. The next weeks were not good. Ysa told me that Dad lost balance and tripped and hit his head against the floor. I rushed into the hospital that he's been brought to. He’s in a coma. The doctors said that he hit his head really hard, that he may lose his memory when he wakes up, or even worse, will die. A week after the accident, what the doctors said, happened. He passed away because of the medicines that he’s given. Leia and Ellie came over to visit. “Lex? Are you ready to go? Ellie asked. “I-I can’t go.” I answered. “I’ll be with her.” David said. “Why does this have to happen?” I sobbed “Now he won’t be on our graduation, he won’t witness me be a doctor.” He cupped my cheek. “Hey, at least he got to witness most of your firsts in life. And he doesn’t like seeing you cry, right?” I cried harder.  

CHAPTER FOUR:

Five years. Wow. I didn’t think that I would survive this. Andi was already 4-years old. As soon as she started school, we finally finished med school!! We started buying medical equipments. We were having a break when David led me to this familiar place. The place was full of flowers, and I even saw some familiar faces. There was a band, too. “People say we shouldn’t be together, too young to know about forever.” I heard his voice from behind. That was the song we sang the first time we met. “Alexandria Marie Cooper, it’s been five years since we were together. And I think I’m all ready to take it to the next step. You know and feel I love you, right?” he hushed, he got down on one knee, “If you’re ready, will you marry me?” he continued.

“I- yes!!” I sobbed. Anyways, we still got a long time to get ready. The week after, it was our 5-year anniversary. We went on vacation. And there, we encountered an injured little girl. She fractured her hand while playing with her friends. Her name is Ghia.  She told us her parents died and she didn’t have shelter. She’s been staying at the orphanage for almost two years already and no one has tried to adopt her. So, David suggested that we are the ones who’ll adopt her, alas, we were financially stable already and I agreed. As we got her to sleep at our room, we bought some clothes for her to wear on the way home. On our way home, Ysa texted me saying: “We have a surprise for you!” And I was excited to know what it was. As we arrived, I was shocked to see a banner saying: WELCOME HOME! And there, I saw Ellie, Leia, Ysa and Andi. “We wanted to surprise you in here. And David helped.”  Leia uttered and winked. “And we have a surprise for you, too! Ghia? You can come out now.” She walked in front of me, “Hi, I’m Ghia, they uh, adopted…me?” she stuttered. They were shock to hear what she said. “Adopted? When?” Ysa asked. “Two days ago, we were roaming around the place and we saw her injured. She said her parents are dead and she’d been staying in the orphanage for almost two years already. So, we decided to be her adopted parents.” David answered. “And anyways, we’re already financially stable.” I continued. “Well in that case, welcome to the fam, Ghia!!” said Ysa. “Thank you” she replied. And as days go by and two years have passed, Ghia has been happy with us, and she even calls us Mommy and Daddy already! Two years has passed, while I was cleaning Ghia’s room, I saw this letter. It was from my mom.

My Dearest Alex

Hi baby, it’s Mommy. I love you! I wrote this letter for you to understand why I’m not around. I have this disease that stops me from taking care of you and your father. Once again, I love you my dear.

Love, Mommy

(Signed, Elisa Cooper)

 “Elisa Cooper. Huh. I should go and look for answers.” I whispered. Ghia went inside the room when I read the letter. “Mommy? What’s that?” she asked. “A letter from my mom when I was a kid.” I replied. It was already a big day. I’m getting married to the love of my life. As we were getting ready, Ghia had given me a gift from David. It was a necklace with my initials on it. “Hi, Mommy!” She greeted me. “Hi, sweetie. How are you?” I replied. “I’m fine, Mom. How about you?” she answered. “I’m okay, too, baby. Thanks for asking.” I continued. “Are you ready, Lex?” Ysa asked. “If only Dad was here, I’ll feel more comfortable. But, yes, I’m ready.” I answered. As I walked down the aisle, I saw Mrs. Wilson and my girls. And there he was, gazing at me, lovingly. This was it. I’m getting married to my first love. “You look beautiful, hon.” He whispered. “Oh, I am?” I said sarcastically. His vows were beautiful.

“Hi to my best friend, my ride or die, my sweetheart.

We’ve been through thick and thin, and I want to thank you for sticking by my side, supporting me through all my decisions. And though we fight sometimes, we solve anything that will go against our way. And I’m blessed to have you here right now, in front of me. I promise you forever.”

It was beautiful… “promise you forever” I love him. So much. After the ceremony, we went straight to the reception and Ghia was with us. “Hello, Mrs. Cooper-Wilson” he called. “Ha! That’s what I was thinking 5 years ago. Mrs. Cooper-Wilson, huh?” I exclaimed, “But I love it.” I continued. “Oh, the newlyweds are here!” Aunt Ann called on us. “Hi!” we greeted. Ellie and Leia were at the door. “Hey, girl!” Leia greeted “Uh, hey!” David answered awkwardly. “Where’s Mom?” I asked “Oh, they’re at Table 17.”  she replied.

 CHAPTER FIVE

First day of being married to the love of my life. A new chapter of our lives has begun just now.  We were having breakfast at my favorite restaurant. It felt complete, me, David and Ghia. Like a real family. Well, we are. I just didn’t tell Ghia our secret yet. We’ll tell her, when the right moment comes. “Mommy? When was the first day you and Daddy met?” she asked. “Well, baby, we met at our graduation.” I answered. “Yes, cupcake, we met in college.” David added. “When I grow up, I want to have a relationship like yours!” she said. When we got home, I invited Ghia to sit with us in the living room. “Ghia, we need to tell you something.” I said, firmly.  “What is it, Mommy?” she answered. “Well remember two years ago in the orphanage?” I asked. “Yes mom, why?” she replied. “I was pregnant with our child, but the time wasn’t right. So, we put her up for adoption.” I recalled. “Who’s the baby, Mama?” she asked. “It’s you, baby. You’re not just our adopted child. You’re our baby.” David explained. “W-what? All those years that I never had the love of a real family? You gave me up?” she cried. “Yes, Ghia. We did. We didn’t want those things to happen, but it was all wrong. But hey, we’re complete now!” David continued, cupping her cheek and kissing her forehead. “I guess I’ll process all of this first. Sorry Dad, but thanks to the both of you.” She said, walking towards her room. “Let her be, hon. We made a mistake, too. She’ll come out whenever she wants.” David said calming me down. The next days were tiring. We started working on our schedule for the next weeks. Ghia has started 6th grade already. We invited Ysa to look after her cause we’re going to be busy for several days. “I miss her already.” I sighed. “I do, too.” He replied. Then there was a patient that fainted nearby. “Ivan Keller, 17 years old, vitals were fine, but oxygen started dropping on the way here.” Leia said, panting. I asked the boy where his parents were. “My dad died and I have no idea where my mom is. I live with my aunt.” He answered while catching his breath. “I’m gonna need to tell your aunt to go here so she knows how your condition is.” Leia said. Just minutes later, he completely ran out of oxygen. As we had him for lab tests, “I can see a large tumor on his brain. Prepare him for surgery.” I commanded. After the operation, the patient wasn’t as fine as I thought he would be. He wasn’t able to walk. “The tumor was as big as a baseball. I managed to remove all of it, unfortunately, it affected a large portion of the brain.” I explained. “It’ll affect your physical being. All I can suggest for you to do now is rest. I think it’ll take you more or less a month before you can get home.” I added. “But! In the mean time, you’re here, with us.” Leia said. “Thank you, Dr. Cooper.” The boy thanked. “And we found you a private physical therapist.” Dave added. We didn’t have clinic hours the next day, so we decided to spend time with Ghia.

 CHAPTER SIX:

Three years have passed. It was Ghia’s birthday, so we went out to eat. “All my friends are here, Mama.” She said excitedly, “My baby’s growing up.” I sighed. “Yeah, she is.” David replied. “And while she’s off having fun, let’s have fun by ourselves.” He continued. After the party, while we were driving home, we got hit by a car. Ghia wasn’t hurt, but David was severely injured. That’s the last thing I remember. I woke up in a hospital, “Dr. Alex Cooper?” a voice from behind asked. It was a nurse who works there. “Yes, yes I am.” I replied “Are you related to these other patients, David Wilson and Ghia Wilson?” she asked “Yes, I am. They’re my husband and daughter.” I answered.  “Well Ghia’s holding well. She’s awake, actually. Same with Dr. Wilson, but there are possibilities that he’ll have memory loss because of what happened. But for now, let’s wait for him to wake up.” She continued. As I went to Ghia’s room, she was sleeping. “Baby? Mama’s here.” I whispered hoping I didn’t wake her up. “Uh, oh, hi Mom.” She uttered. “How are you feeling?” I asked worriedly. “I’m okay, Ma. Where’s Dad?” she replied. “Well, the doctor said that he’s conscious already. But when he wakes up, he might forget us. The accident affected him too bad.” I explained. “Huh? Dad’s gonna forget us?” she asked, confusingly. “Yes, baby; it’s just a possibility.” I answered. As we went to David’s room, he was already awake, but unfortunately, he didn’t know where he was. “Hi, Love! I missed you!!” I said excitedly, without knowing: “Who are you?” he was confused, but his eyes were full of sadness, confusion and questions. “I- uh, I think we got the wrong room, baby. Let’s go Ghia.” I said, sobbing. As we returned to Ghia’s room, “But how?” I thought to myself. “Hi, uhm, Alex?” he suddenly showed up. And I told Ghia to hide behind me. “I- uhm hah, come in.” I said. “You look familiar, I don’t know but you look like my first love.” He said, pointing at me. “I- I do?” I stuttered. But a week after, the doctors were reviving him, and he said: “I remember everything already. You are my first love.” He said, catching his breath. “I guess forever ends here, love.” He continued. “Shh, don’t try talking, you’re having trouble already. Just rest, love.” I hushed him. “Come on, Baby. Hug your dad one last time.” I invited her inside his room. “Time of Death: 11:11 AM.” The doctor announced. “Goodbye, my love,” I said, one last time.

  EPILOGUE:

6 years had passed, mi amore. I still miss you. Ghia has already started senior high, and she’s been a consistent honor student. She said she wants to be a doctor just like us. But don’t worry, I’ll bring her spirits up and encourage her. I love you.

[moon-light-jukebox]

Stay with me - [Hotch x Reader]

Request prompt: Heyyyyy I was wandering if you still took requests cause I’ve been dying to have this written. I’m thinking something about reader being youngest of the bunch at BAU and after a really intense and scary case everyone is kinda shook and in the jet reader can’t stop sobbing by herself in the back and hotch goes and comforts her and when they get home he goes with her home and holds her in her sleep and then they make love at like 3-4 am. I just need details and a lot of feels. I hope you’ll do it

Summary: After a tragic loss that rocks the entire team, Reader turns to her unit chief for comfort. 

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner / Fem!Reader

Word Count:  5.1k

Genre: Overwhelmingly angst. then some smut and fluff. 

Rating: Mature

Content Warning: Angst, mentions of torture suffered by a victim. Normal Criminal minds stuff. Smut. Oral sex (female receiving). Unprotected sex. 

A/n: I hope this is what you had in mind, Anon. This request just jumped out at me. This is set during season 9. 

-- Stay with me --

stay is a sensitive word. we wear who stayed and who left in our skin forever.

- Nayyirah Waheed

-- September 2, 2013 --

Some cases stick with you long after you board the jet home. Some cases crawl inside your skin and hollow you out. Some cases become a part of you.

The team had been called to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma to help catch a serial killer. I had only been a member of the BAU for 4 months, so it wasn’t uncommon for cases to still rattle me. Rossi said that I’d develop a thicker skin over time.

But this case seemed to even rattle him.

Over the past 15 years, on the same day every year, a woman’s body was found in a public place. She had been violently assaulted and tortured. The local M.E. always said the torture took place over the span of at least 10 months.

I felt my stomach roll when I read over the case file. I don’t think there was a form of pain he didn’t inflict on these women.

We had his prints; we had his DNA. None of that mattered, this man was a ghost.

September 1st had been fast approaching, and the local police knew they most likely couldn’t save the woman that had already spent the last several months with him. One deputy said that killing the woman would be a mercy, because “who could ever recover from that.”

We spent a week in Oklahoma; we started at the very beginning. I poured over the lives of 15 women, praying that maybe I could help us find 16 in time, praying I could save 17 before he ever touched her.

-- August 30, 2013 –

“Morgan,” Hotch said, his eyes scanning over the document in front of him. “I want you and y/n to interview Heather Pruitt’s brother.”

Derek’s eyebrows went up. “We’ve already talked to him, Hotch. He has an alibi. Do you think he knows something else?”

The unit chief nodded. “Heather was our first victim. She was important to the unsub.”

“Probably the most important,” Rossi chimed in.

Hotch nodded. “Understanding why Heather was so special to him is how we catch him.”

Morgan clicked his tongue against his teeth, nodding in agreement. “Okay…” he trailed off. “Are you sure y/n is up for this?” He turned to me; hands raised. “No offense, it’s just that…”

“I’m young,” I finished for him. Dr. Spencer Reid was the youngest person to ever join the BAU…and I was the second. I was 25 years old. The closest person in age to me was the resident genius, Dr. Reid, who was almost 32. I had earned my spot in the team, but I was no Spencer.

Morgan nodded, not looking abashed in the slightest. “Maybe Blake would be a better choice, Hotch.”

His dark eyes ran over me, considering Morgan’s words. “I’m sending her in because she’s so young. People don’t perceive her as a threat.”

“They never saw me as one,” Spencer said softly.

JJ laughed, swatting his arm. “You’re still not a threat, Spence.”

-- August 31, 2013 –

“Mr. Pruitt,” I said brightly, extending my hand. “Thank you so much for coming to speak with us.”

The older man nodded, meeting my gaze evenly. “Anything to help you catch this son of a bitch.” He turned to the woman beside him. “Rachel, darlin’, why don’t you wait right here? I don’t want you to have to…hear about what happened to my sister.”

The woman, Rachel, was small and pale. She had dark brown hair and blue eyes. “Of course,” she said softly, pressing a kiss against David Pruitt’s mouth.

"Do you need anything, ma'am?" I asked her.

“No,” she responded meekly. “I’m fine.”

I looked right into her eyes and smiled warmly at her before I turned away to follow Morgan and Mr. Pruitt into the interview room.

-- September 1, 2013 –

The entire team was standing around the precinct waiting for the call. JJ was gripping her cup of coffee tightly. Reid was staring at a map that was taped on the evidence board. Morgan was looking down at his phone while he talked to Blake. Hotch and Rossi were standing near the Sherriff of Broken Arrow.

We hadn’t stopped him. If he held to pattern, then victim 16 was already gone, and we’d be getting a call about her body soon.

I felt numb. I felt like I had missed something.

The shrill ringing of a phone made all of us tense up, every head in the precinct immediately turning to the receptionist at the front of the room. She spoke for a few moments before she hung up, giving the sheriff a grim nod. “She’s at the park off 6th street, Bruce.”

We all sprang into action, racing out the door to our vehicles. Morgan drove one SUV, Hotch drove the other. We knew we were too late for this girl, but maybe, just maybe, if we got there quick enough and the crime scene was fresh enough, we could find something.

The local police beat us there by a few minutes. Hotch hadn’t even parked before I was opening the door.

I couldn’t explain it then, but I had a feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach. It was a darkness I couldn’t pinpoint, the sort of thing that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

She was on a park bench, her eyes wide and unseeing. “No,” I whispered, my voice cracking.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Morgan sighed out before he turned and marched back to his SUV.  

I felt someone’s hands grip my shoulders. “Y/l/n,” Hotch said gently. “I know, but we have to go. He’s revealed himself now. He’s going to try to run.”

And I knew he was right, so I bottled my feelings up as I ran towards the SUVs. We had to find David Pruitt before he left town.

He was our unsub. He killed his sister 16 years ago…and we were certain of that because the 16th victim was his girlfriend.

The same girlfriend that was within our reach yesterday. She was being tortured by this animal…and we had let her go home with him.

-- September 2, 2013 –

The mood on the jet felt heavy. No one was speaking, no one had said much of anything since we found Mary Beth in the park yesterday morning.

Her name wasn’t even Rachel. David Pruitt had to take everything from his victims, including their names. He broke her so badly that not only did she not scream for help in the middle of a police station, she probably couldn’t even remember her own name.

I couldn’t read the entire autopsy report. Rossi and Morgan went to the morgue to speak with the M.E.

Rossi said he was surprised she was even able to stand the day we saw her.

And that was the hardest thing of all. We fucking saw her.

I wasn’t quite sure how the rest of the team managed to keep their emotions so compartmentalized. I saw how this was bothering each of them, but none of them seemed close to breaking.

Not like I was.

I just kept seeing her face over and over again. Her wide eyes, her polite smile. The pictures of her broken body. How different her eyes looked when she was on the park bench. It was all on a loop in my mind.

When we boarded the jet, I sat in the very back, away from the rest of the team. I stared out the window, unseeing. How could I have missed it?

“Y/l/n,” a voice said softly. “Are you okay?”

I hadn’t realized that tears were slipping down my cheeks until I heard Hotch’s voice. I looked up at him. He was my unit chief, the strongest of any of us. If there was anyone I couldn’t afford to break in front of, it was him.

“Yeah,” I said hurriedly, wiping at my eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, y/n.”

I just nodded. Please leave, please leave. If he walked away, maybe I could hold it together a little while longer.

But he didn’t leave. He knelt down beside me in the middle of the aisle. In the months since I joined the BAU, I had made sure to never get too close to SSA Hotchner. There was something about him that fascinated me…and I knew he was a good enough profiler to see it, because I wasn’t skilled enough to hide it.

This was the closest I'd ever physically been to him. I was close enough to notice that his eyes weren’t a flat shade of brown; they were a warm chocolate brown and he had freckles across the bridge of his nose.

“Y/n,” he said softly, reaching out to take one of my hands in his larger one. “It’s okay. This isn’t your fault. This is the job; we can’t save them all.”

“But I saw her,” I whispered, feeling the dam break inside of me. “I talked to her.”

Hotch must have realized I was already too far gone to hold myself together anymore. I just kept seeing her eyes, over and over and over.

He stood abruptly, pulling me up with him. He led me into the back area near the restroom. There was a small countertop here, but most importantly, there was a curtain that could be pulled closed, giving us all the privacy anyone could get on this plane.

I stared up at him in bewilderment while he closed the curtain. By the very nature of the area and given how big he was, our bodies were much closer together than I had ever allowed.

“I know you won’t break down in front of everyone else,” he said quietly. “You still feel like you have something to prove. You don’t, but I understand why you feel that way. You’re a part of this team, y/n.”

I dug my teeth into my bottom lip, holding on to the last threads of my composure.

“Now, I can leave you here and you can pull yourself together,” he continued. “Or I can stay with you.”

This was one of the reasons I hadn’t allowed myself to be near him. There was something in Hotch’s eyes when he looked at me that always made me feel so safe. He was always fierce with a scowl on his face; occasionally he’d surprise me with his dry humor.

I hadn’t known his eyes could look so soft and it pulled on something inside me.  

“I was so close I could have touched her,” I whispered. “And he…he…” I broke off as the first sob ripped out of my throat. Mary Beth was 23 years old. She had a younger brother and two loving parents. Her best friend, Anna, wore Mary Beth’s favorite necklace around her neck. None of them had given up hope.

And I had let her go home with him to die.

I had to watch when her parents got the news that we were so close, but he broke her too badly, she never cried out for help.

I closed my eyes to stop the tears from slipping down my cheeks, desperately trying to pull myself together.

My heart hurt so badly I barely reacted when Hotch’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me against him. I just buried my face against his chest while he rubbed my back. I was taking the comfort he offered, even though I didn’t deserve it. I was vaguely aware of him whispering against my hair, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

I failed her.

It took a few minutes for my tears to slow. I was able to bottle my pain back up again and take a few breaths. My arms were trapped between our bodies and when I went to pull them free, Hotch started to release me, no doubt assuming I wanted to end our embrace.

I didn’t.

I took a step forward when he took one back, wrapping my arms around his middle, pressing my cheek against his shirt that I just realized was damp from my tears. “Is this okay?” I whispered.

He had frozen for a moment before his arms tightened around me again. “Of course, sweet girl.”

I was just so content to be in his arms that I didn’t even process the term of endearment. “I got your shirt wet.”

“It’ll dry.”

I hummed against him, still so reluctant to let him go. “You smell nice, Hotch.”

He chuckled quietly. “Thanks. And given our current situation, you can call me Aaron.”

I nodded; my thoughts still somber. “I let her down. I let her go. I could have touched her.”

His hands kept rubbing over my back. “You’ve never let anyone down,” he murmured. “Not even for a single moment.”

--

Aaron didn’t feel like my boss when his arms were wrapped around me. He was just a man who held me for as long as I had needed before finally releasing me, offering me a small smile when I moved int the bathroom to try and fix my face.  

I don’t know what he said to each team member, but none of them paid any attention to me when I walked out. They weren’t ignoring me, they just seemed unaware of what happened, even though I knew they weren’t.

Whatever he had done, I was immensely grateful.

It was just after 10 pm when the jet touched down in Quantico.

“Go home,” Hotch said as we all grabbed our go bags. “The paperwork can wait til tomorrow.”

Rossi clapped our unit chief on the shoulder. “This one was a hard one. I know it’s painful, but we can’t save them all.”

But why couldn’t I just save her? I thought.

When we were walking off the tarmac, Morgan spoke. “Kid, lemme give you a lift home. It’s not far.”

Reid’s brows drew together in confusion. “Yes, it is. You live on the other side of town.”

"Just let me do something nice for you, smartass."

Their banter almost pulled a smile from me, but I couldn’t. Everything still felt so heavy.

“What about you, y/l/n?” JJ asked.

It wasn’t a secret that I took the train like Reid did. I’d only lived in D.C. for the four months I’d been a member of the team. Reid didn’t drive because of car crash statistics; I didn’t drive because I hadn’t gotten around to getting a car.

“The train is still running. Which is probably good,” I muttered to her. “It’ll give me time to think.”

She just nodded, giving my arm a squeeze as we all walked into the bullpen to gather the things we had left before the case.

I stayed in the bullpen longer than everyone else. It’s not that I didn’t love them, I truly did. But I just…I couldn’t be brave right now.

“I know it’s not my place, but I really don’t want you to take the train home.”

My lips pulled into a smile then, even though I couldn’t bring myself to face him. “It’s no big deal, Hotch. I’m a full-grown FBI agent. I’ll be fine taking the train home.”

“You might be,” he conceded. “But I won’t be.”

“What?” I questioned, unable to stop my body from turning towards him.

Hotch stepped closer to me, looking slightly unsure. “I…I’ll be worried.”

His words felt important, and I realized the thought of him worrying bothered me.

He heaved out a great sigh, his eyes looked so tired. “Jack’s already in bed, Jessica is staying with him tonight. Please, let me take you home.”

How could I tell him no?

--

The ride back to my apartment was quiet. Hotch seemed to know where I lived without me having to tell him. He had turned the radio on in his SUV, but the volume was so low it was just background noise.

I watched the raindrops roll down the passenger side window and all I could think about was Mary Beth. I wonder if she liked the rain.

“Don’t do that.”

My entire body froze before I turned to look at the man in the car with me. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Yes, you are,” he insisted. “Y/n, you did all you could. This isn’t on you. We were all in that precinct. I offered her my hand when she left the station.” His hands were now gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.

“Aaron,” I whispered, reaching out to put my hand on his forearm.

“If you blame yourself, you’ll have to blame me too.”

Tears started to fill my eyes again. I didn’t know what to say. “I couldn’t blame you.”

I saw his throat work as he swallowed, his eyes fixed on the building in front of us. I hadn’t even realized we had pulled into my apartment complex.  

“Then you know why I can’t let you blame yourself.” He killed the engine and took his seatbelt off.

“What are you doing?”

He looked at me in confusion, like it should be obvious. “I’m walking you to your door.”

Oh. “Why?”

Aaron paused, considering his next words. “Because I can’t leave you yet.”

He was out of the car and opening my door before my brain could even process his words. I slid out beside him, clutching my jacket around myself. It didn’t help, the chill I felt was coming from inside of my body.

Aaron pulled my go-bag from the back seat then shrugged me off when I tried to take it from him.

Despite all the emotions I was feeling, I couldn’t resist teasing him a bit. “Are you secretly a gentleman, Aaron Hotchner?”

He looked sheepish for a moment. My mean ass, always scowling FBI unit chief that intimidated almost everyone on a daily basis looked sheepish because I called him a gentleman.

“Just don’t tell anyone,” he warned, shutting the car door.

I felt a tiny smile tug up the corners of my lips. The first smile I’d felt since…

Just like that, the guilt hit me again. How could I be smiling?

We had just reached my apartment door when a tiny sob ripped out of my throat.  “Aaron…I can’t stop seeing what he did to her. She was in pain. And she-she fought back. She didn’t want to…and I can’t.”

“Oh, sweetheart don’t do that.” He dropped my go bag and wrapped his arms around me, once again offering me the comfort I didn't deserve.

The only time I had felt right in the past few days was when I was in this man’s arms. My question slipped out of my mouth before I had a chance to think better of it. “Will you stay with me?” I whispered against his chest.

I felt his body stiffen. Fuck. I pulled away from him, quickly wiping at my face. “I’m sorry, Hotch. You’ve got Jack and you’re my boss. It’s inappropriate. I’m so sorry.”

My hands were shaking when I reached to pick up my go-bag from the floor.

“Y/n, it’s not that I don’t want to,” he explained, his hand grabbing mine right before I touched my bag. “It’s not Jack, he went to be hours ago. But I am your supervisor, and I can’t take advantage of you.”

His words hung in the air, feeling almost as heavy as the pain in my chest. “The only time I feel anything good is when I’m with you, Aaron.”

My eyes were fixed on his bigger hand that engulfed mine, but I felt his eyes on me.

“I don’t think I could leave you now even if I wanted to,” he mumbled.

My keys shook when I unlocked the door and once we were inside my tiny apartment, the gravity of everything finally seemed to hit me.  

"I can leave, y/n," he reminded me as if he could tell what I was thinking.

I licked my lips, looking around the room before I could look at him. “I want you to stay,” I pleaded, trying to summon every ounce of courage I had ever felt. “I know it’s not…I’m sure it breaks a million regulations and protocols. But…can you stay with me tonight? I just…I don’t want to be alone.”

What I was asking him for was so much more complicated than just spending the night at my apartment. I think we both knew that if he stayed something was going to change.

“Are you sure it’s what you want?”

I nodded, my eyes never leaving his.

--

I was sitting up in my bed, picking at the threads of my comforter when Aaron got out of the shower. He’d insisted I shower first while he went to grab his go bag and call Jack’s aunt. I felt the energy around me shift the moment he stepped into the room.  

“Are you okay?”

I bit my lip, unsure of how to answer him. "I don't know." I looked up, my eyes meeting his dark ones. "Can-can you stay with me? Just for a little while?"

For a moment I thought he might say no, but his shoulders dropped, and he jerked his head in a tight nod. “Of course.”

He came around to the right side of my bed, looking torn for a moment before I pulled the covers down, indicating I wanted him to get under. I laid my body down while he adjusted himself on to my bed.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not in a suit,” I mused, motioning to his t-shirt with a faded FBI logo and his flannel pajama pants.

He scoffed, pulling the covers up to his abdomen. “It’s a rare occurrence.” He had settled on his back, one of his arms bent behind his head, the other one resting on his abdomen.

“Aaron,” I breathed out. “Can I…will you…I don’t want to-“

“Hey,” he said, bringing my attention back to him. “You can ask me anything, y/n.”

“Will you hold me?” I begged, my voice breaking in my effort to suppress my emotions.  

My eyes were shut tight, so I didn’t see the look of agony that washed over Aaron’s face. I only felt his body shift closer to mine before his arms came around me again, bringing me flush against his side.

At that moment, even though I felt terrible about myself, I found some solace in the fact that a man like Aaron Hotchner wouldn’t be holding me like this if I were truly a monster.

His big hand ran up and down my back while my head lay on his chest; I was taking comfort from everything about him, his smell, the feel of him holding me, even the steady beating of his heart under my ear.

I made no move to pull away from him; it was selfish, but I couldn’t let him go.

“Thank you for staying,” I whispered into the darkness. Right before I fell asleep, I think I felt his lips brush against my forehead.

--

Several hours later my eyes snapped open when my body jerked suddenly. The instant my eyes were open the nightmare was gone, I could barely remember any of it, not that I needed to. What else could it have been about?

“Hey,” a voice rasped out. “Are you okay?”

I realized I was still in Aaron’s arms. My head was still on his chest, one of his arms was wrapped around my body.

He had stayed with me.

“Yeah, I think so. Just a nightmare.”

He hummed in understanding. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t think I can.”

Aaron’s arm tightened around me. “I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”

My fingers traced nonsense patterns over his chest, my mind racing. I felt so incredibly young then. I was lost in a sea of guilt and despair, and my only anchor was Aaron Hotchner.

It was easier to ask him in the darkness of my bedroom. “Do you feel this too?” I whispered.

The stillness that overtook his body indicated he knew what I meant. “Y/n…I...”

I lifted my head off of his chest, looking down at his face. “If I’m wrong, it’s okay to tell me.”

I saw those dark brown eyes scan over my face; I saw the indecision behind them. “I’ve felt it for a long time,” he said at last. “But you’re hurting, and I’m your-“

I brought a finger up to press against his lips, effectively silencing him. "Then make me not hurt. Please?" The finger I had on his lips started tracing the shape of them, over his cupid's bow, down to his fuller bottom lip.

With an amount of courage that I didn’t know I had, I pushed myself up, swinging my leg over his body. I leaned over his face bringing my lips so close to his. “Please,” I whispered against his lips. Just be with me. Be here with me, Aaron.”

I felt his self-control crumble a moment before one of his hands gripped my hip while the other slid behind the back of my head. He pulled me down until my lips were against his.

If I had allowed myself to think about kissing Aaron Hotchner before, this wouldn’t have been what I expected. His lips were gentle as the brushed against mine, his tongue wasn’t demanding when it slid against the seam of my mouth, his thumb brushed over my cheek while his tongue slicked against mine.

I was the one that broke our sweet kiss to pull my shirt from my body. Baring myself to him this way was nothing compared to how much of my soul he’d already seen. Those dark brown eyes were filled with heat when they ran over my body, his large hands felt reverent when they brushed over my skin.

He rolled us until I was on my back underneath him. Aaron kissed down the column of my throat, down over my collarbones until he reached my breasts. His mouth felt almost scalding when it covered my nipple. I arched up against him, a strangled moan tore from my throat when his blunt fingers slid into my panties.

“You’re so soft,” he whispered against my skin while he trailed wet kisses down my stomach. “Can I?” he asked when he reached the band of my sleep shorts and panties.

If I had had any doubts that I wanted Aaron Hotchner, that question would have gotten rid of them. I was begging him to take me, to make me feel anything other than the pain in my chest…and he still needed to make sure I wanted this.

I hooked my thumbs into my waistband, pulling them down while those almost black eyes ran over every inch of newly exposed skin. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” I rasped out.

He reached behind his back to grab the neck of his t-shirt, pulling it off of his body. Before I could blink, he had settled between my thighs, his mouth right above where I ached for him. “I can’t believe I get to touch you like this.”

Any response I would have made was broken off by a loud groan when his tongue parted my folds. His tongue circled my clit before moving down to dip inside of me. The moan that vibrated against me when he tasted me was the sexist thing I had ever heard.

I couldn’t feel anything but him.

My fingers threaded through his hair while his mouth worked me over. It didn’t feel like this was the first time we had been together like this. He touched me like he had known me for years.

But I needed more.

“Aaron,” I whimpered, my fingers tugging on his short dark hair. His eyes snapped open, but his mouth didn’t lift from my pussy. “I need to feel you inside me. Please?”

He pressed a final kiss to my pussy before he pulled away, moving up my body. Before he settled against me, he pushed his pants and underwear down his thighs. I felt how hard he was, how much he wanted this, against my pussy while his upper body loomed over me. One of my hands pulled him down to me, crashing his mouth against mine; with the other I reached down to grab his cock, running it up and down my slit.

Aaron moaned into my mouth when I lined him up and he started to press inside of me. He gave a few swallow thrusts, allowing my body to adjust to his size before he slid all the way inside of me.

I had never had sex like this before. Sometimes in the past, it had felt like I was just loaning my body out to someone, taking whatever pleasure I got in return. This felt so different. Aaron moved against me like he needed me, his lips ran over my skin like being allowed to touch me was a gift.

He set a steady rhythm, his hips moving against mine in just the right way. He was kissing my neck, moaning my name against my skin when he brought his thumb down to my clit, massaging me while he moved against me.

“Aaron,” I breathed.

His mouth was against mine again. "I've got you, sweet girl, I've got you."

My nails dug into his back, my body arched against him, and my mouth opened in a silent scream when I flew apart underneath him. His head dropped down against my shoulder as he found his own release inside of me.

Aaron’s big body was settled on top of me, but he didn’t feel crushing, it felt safe.

When we had both started to come down from our orgasms, he rolled us against until I was on top of his body, my head on his chest. He pulled the covers over our bodies and pressed a kiss against the top of my head.

“What happens in the morning?” I whispered out.

His head turned to look at the clock on my bedside table. “It’s technically morning now.”

“You know what I mean.”

I felt him nod. “What do you want to happen?”

I lifted my head up, my eyes meeting his dark coffee-colored ones. "Will you stay with me?"

His hand raised to cradle my face again, pulling me down to press the softest, sweetest kiss against my lips. “For as long as you want.”

--

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[nel-world]

hi

. Opening Image: Reference: "(500) Days of Summer" (2009)

(Girl misses the elevator)

Girl: (Panting) "Of course, the one time I’m actually on time... Just my luck."

Boy: (Holding the elevator button too late) "Uh, sorry... I... didn’t see you in time."

Girl: (Laughing it off) "No worries. It’s like the universe is telling me to slow down."

2. Theme Stated: Reference: "Notting Hill" (1999)

(Boy helps her catch the next elevator)

Boy: (Awkwardly) "Do you, um... need help with anything? I mean, if you’re in a rush?"

Girl: (Smiles warmly) "That’s sweet, but I think I’m beyond saving today."

Boy: (Chuckles) "I know the feeling."

3. Set-Up: Reference: "(500) Days of Summer" (2009)

(Awkward but sweet interaction in the elevator)

Boy: (After a long pause, stammering) "So... uh, you just moved in, right? Which floor?"

Girl: (Nods) "Yeah, fifth floor. Still getting used to the place. You?"

Boy: (Looking down) "Seventh. It’s... quieter up there, I guess."

Girl: "I bet. The walls on the fifth floor? Paper thin. I hear everything."

(Girl asks if he plays music)

Girl: (Noticing his guitar case) "Is that yours? You play?"

Boy: (Nods) "Yeah, just for fun. Mostly to unwind after work."

Girl: "That’s cool. I love music... even though I’m tone-deaf."

Boy: (Smirking) "Somehow I doubt that."

4. Music Connection: Reference: "(500) Days of Summer" (2009)

(Girl and Boy bond over music in the elevator)

Girl: "I love The Smiths."

Boy: [Surprised] "Sorry?"

Girl: "I said, I love The Smiths. You... you have good taste in music."

Boy: [A bit shyly] "Oh, thanks."

Girl: [Sings along] "To die by your side, such a heavenly way to die."

(Girl smiles and exits the elevator, leaving Boy stunned.)

5. Set-Up Continued:

(Girl struggles with vacuum cleaner at home)

Girl: (On the phone) "No, it’s not the cord. I checked. This thing is ancient, probably older than I am."

Friend on Phone: "Get a new one, seriously."

Girl: (Sighs) "Can’t afford it right now. Guess I’m stuck with this piece of junk."

6. Catalyst: Reference: "The Lunchbox" (2013)

(Boy helps fix the girl's vacuum cleaner)

Boy: (After successfully fixing it) "There, good as new. Well, almost."

Girl: (Grinning) "You’re like my hero right now. Seriously, thank you."

Boy: (Blushing) "It was nothing, really. Just needed a little tweaking."

Girl: "You saved me from a dust storm. I owe you one."

7. Debate: Reference: "Begin Again" (2013)

(They work on a song together)

Boy: (Playing a melody) "How does this sound to you? Too upbeat?"

Girl: (Closes her eyes, listening) "No, it’s perfect. It’s like... hopeful, you know?"

Boy: (Nods) "Exactly what I was going for. You’ve got a good ear."

Girl: (Smirking) "Told you, not tone-deaf."

(Boy has a flashback of playing music alone)

Boy: (Flashback) [In his room, alone, playing a melancholy tune on the guitar.] (Sighs, to himself) "It’s just me and you, old friend."

8. Break into Two: Reference: "Sing Street" (2016)

(They make a CD)

Girl: (Looking at the CD cover they designed) "We actually did it. This is... kinda amazing."

Boy: (Proudly) "Yeah, it feels real now, doesn’t it?"

Girl: "More than real. We should do this more often."

Boy: (Smiling) "Absolutely. We’re a good team."

(Conor (Ferdia Walsh-Peelo) and his bandmates are in a makeshift recording studio, setting up their instruments. Raphina (Lucy Boynton) watches from the side, curious and supportive.)

Conor: "Alright, this is it, lads. Let’s give it everything we’ve got."

Eamon: "What’s this one called again?"

Conor: "‘The Riddle of the Model.’ It’s about Raphina." (He glances at Raphina, who smiles back.)

Eamon: "Cool. Let’s do this."

(The band starts playing. Conor leads with the vocals, and the rest of the band follows with enthusiasm, though a bit rough around the edges. As they get into the groove, their confidence builds.)

Conor: [Singing] "She’s standing on the corner, like an angel in disguise..."

(Raphina watches, moved by the dedication and emotion in Conor’s performance. The band’s sound comes together, and they start to find their rhythm. The camera pans around the room, capturing the energy and passion of the young musicians as they create something new.)

(After the take, the band finishes with a flourish, and everyone in the room feels the electricity of the moment.)

Conor: [Breathless, grinning] "That was amazing. We actually did it!"

Eamon: "Not bad for a first go, right?"

Raphina: [Smiling] "You guys were brilliant."

Conor: "Thanks. But it’s just the beginning. We’ve got so much more to do."

9. B Story: Reference: "Eighth Grade" (2018)

(Kayla records a vlog about being herself)

Kayla: "Hey guys, it’s Kayla, back with another video. So, um... today I wanted to talk about being yourself, and, like, how hard that can be sometimes."

(She pauses, gathering her thoughts.)

Kayla: "You know, people always say, 'Just be yourself,' but, like, what if you don’t even know who that is yet? I mean, I’m still trying to figure that out. I guess it’s okay to not have all the answers, right? Like, maybe it’s about trying new things and seeing what feels right."

(She fidgets a little, trying to find the right words.)

Kayla: "Anyway, um, I guess what I’m trying to say is... don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re still figuring things out. Just take it one day at a time and keep trying to be the best version of you. That’s what I’m trying to do, at least."

(She smiles nervously at the camera.)

Kayla: "Okay, so... if you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up and subscribe. And remember, you’re awesome just the way you are. See you in the next video!"

(They discuss ideas for a vlog and social media usage)

Boy: (Skeptical) "A vlog? I don’t know... putting ourselves out there like that..."

Girl: "It’s not about fame, just sharing our journey. Maybe it’ll inspire someone."

Boy: (Nods, considering) "Yeah, maybe. Could be fun too."

Girl: "Exactly! Plus, we’ll get to see how ridiculous we are."

(Boy introduces girl to his favorite music)

Boy: (Playing a track) "This one’s special to me. It got me through some tough times."

Girl: (Listening intently) "I can see why. It’s like... it’s speaking directly to your soul."

Boy: (Quietly) "Yeah. Music does that."

10. Fun and Games:

(They discuss what pisses them off)

Girl: (Laughing) "And don’t get me started on people who don’t signal when they’re driving!"

Boy: (Chuckles) "Or when people use their phones during a movie. That’s the worst."

Girl: "Oh my God, yes! Like, just enjoy the moment, people!"

(They attend a music gig together)

Girl: (After the show) "That was incredible! I felt every note."

Boy: "There’s something about live music... you can’t replicate it."

Girl: "I’m glad we came. I needed that."

(They playfully argue over a song’s lyrics)

Girl: "No way, you’re totally wrong. The lyrics are about regret and lost chances."

Boy: (Laughing) "You’re overthinking it. It’s about learning from mistakes, not wallowing in them."

Girl: "Agree to disagree. But I’m still right."

11. Midpoint:

(They confess a secret)

Boy: (Hesitant) "I’ve never really told anyone this, but... I’m terrified of failing. It’s why I’ve never put my music out there."

Girl: (Gently) "I get that. I used to be scared of letting people in... still am, sometimes."

Boy: "But you seem so... confident."

Girl: "It’s all an act. We’re all just trying to figure it out."

12. Bad Guys Close In: Reference: "The Lunchbox" (2013)

(He helps her with some Hindi lyrics)

Boy: (Correcting her pronunciation) "Try it like this... it’ll flow better."

Girl: (Repeats) "Like this? How do you know this stuff?"

Boy: (Smiling) "I had a friend who taught me. Music has no boundaries, right?"

Girl: (Smiles back) "Right."

(They have their first argument)

Girl: "You’re just not listening! It needs more emotion, more feeling!"

Boy: (Annoyed) "I am listening! But sometimes, less is more. You can’t just... force it."

Girl: (Frustrated) "Maybe we’re just too different."

Boy: (Angrily) "Maybe."

(Girl’s family expresses concern over the relationship)

Girl’s Mother: "You’re spending a lot of time with this boy... are you sure he’s good for you?"

Girl: (Defensive) "He’s great, Mom. We understand each other in ways no one else does."

Mother: "Just... be careful, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt."

Girl: (Sighs) "I know, but I have to figure this out myself."

13. All Is Lost: Reference: "Garden State" (2004)

(Conversations about life and love)

Boy: (Reflectively) "Love isn’t easy, is it? It’s messy and complicated."

Girl: "Yeah, but it’s also worth it. Even when it hurts."

Boy: "Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the risk."

Girl: (Gently) "It is. You just have to be brave enough to take the leap."

(Boy feels misunderstood and withdraws)

Boy: (Quietly) "Maybe we’re just too different. I don’t know if I can... keep up with you."

Girl: (Worried) "What are you saying?"

Boy: (Looking away) "Maybe... we should take a break. Figure things out."

Girl: (Hurt) "If that’s what you want..."

14. Break into Three:

(Relationship continues to develop non-verbally)

Girl: (Leaves a note on his desk) "I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m scared too."

Boy: (Reading the note, sighs) "Maybe we both need to learn to let go."

15. Finale:

(They work on a song together – Revisited)

Boy: (Determined) "Let’s make this song about us. No more hiding, no more walls."

Girl: (Smiling) "Yeah, something raw and real. Just... us."

Boy: (Nods) "Let’s do it."

(They perform the song together)

Girl: (Singing) "We’ve come so far... just you and me."

Boy: (Harmonizing) "Through the ups and downs... we found our melody."

Girl: (Eyes closed, feeling the music) "This is where we belong... together."

16. Final Image: Reference: "Notting Hill" (1999)

(Girl and boy in the elevator again)

Boy: (Relaxed, leaning back) "So, here we are again... in this elevator."

Girl: (Teasing) "You finally mastered the art of holding the door open."

Boy: (Laughs) "Took long enough."

Girl: (Gazes at him) "You ready for what’s next?"

Boy: (Smiling) "As long as you are."

[fcb-femeni]

Alexia Putellas interview with Revista Barca

Q: You reached 2 finals and won one of them. How can you explain such rapid advances?

Alexia: "It has all happened so quickly for me because I’ve been enjoying it so much. Time is racing by. I’m relaxed & not struggling to cope, quite the contrary, I’m loving it. Things have happened faster than expected. As soon as they started investing in our professionalism, the results started to come. Nobody expected it so quick, but it’s nice to see that we have capitalized on those investments."

Q: In 10 seasons you’ve witnessed big developments in the women’s team. Have you and Melanie Serrano who know how this started, been able to get across to the younger players how hard it was to get here?

Alexia: "Everyone in the team appreciates that we don’t generally need to remind people about those things, like reminding them now and again that we used to train at 9.00pm and 15 years ago, Mel didn’t even train at the Ciutat Esportiva, but on an athletics field on an awful pitch. It’s nice to point these things out now and again but also celebrate how we have got where we deserve to be in this sport. What we have now is normal, not before. But we mustn’t forget how hard it was to achieve it."

Q: In five years you have gone from being the best in Catalonia to the best in Europe? 

Alexia: "I appreciate it as much as I should. The athlete’s mentality is to take each day as it comes. You don’t really notice how big individual awards are until you retire. You’re on a roll and you can stop, but because if you do, you don’t perform. You feel exhausted when summer arrives and you really need a holiday to get some rest, reinvent yourself and then go out and win everything again. When you’re wearing this shirt, you can’t afford to look back because if you do, you lose your hunger and ambition."

Q: Last season you were spectacular: 43 games, 26 goals and 2 in the UWCL (the most goals by any midfielder in Europe); MVP of the Queen's Cup. Are you aware of how much you’ve developed?

Alexia: "It’s not easy to achieve such stats but when you’re surrounded by such good players It is normal for a Barça forward to score 15 goals a season and I don’t want to put pressure on them [laughs]. Behind the forwards we work hard to create chances to score. Yes, I’m 100% aware of my development. As an U17 they were telling me I had talent, but what you need to work on are physical, psychological, tactical aspects & I still want to work on those areas because it’s not just about natural talent. It’s very important to be mentally strong and not to only go by results”

Q: At the Olympic Games we saw how the psychological part is getting more important. How do you work on that?

Alexia: "The club has always offered psychological supports; we have a whole team that helps us with those things.But when I feel I’m under too much pressure I tell myself that pressure is a privilege. What does a footballer, male or female, want? To play with friends on a Sunday or play under pressure in a Champions League final? I focus on the fact that it’s a privilege. Having grown up at Barça has helped me because just by pulling on that shirt you are already under pressure. The way I felt ten years ago has nothing to do with what I feel now. I deal with it all very naturally."

Q: You’ve never felt anxiety because so much is expected of you?

Alexia: "No, because winning the European Player of the Year award isn’t going to change the way I live football and knowing what I want, who I am, where I want to get… it doesn’t change my goals. It’s like that with results. Win or lose, my targets are always the same."

Q: You became a media name after your goal in the 2013 Copa de la Reina which they called “Messi style”. They said the same in October 2020 after you scored against Sporting Huelva. How do you feel to be compared to Messi?

Alexia: "The Messi label is an adjective, incredible, great but these things come naturally to me, I don’t plan them”

Q: It’s not just the Barça team winning that people love, it’s the way you win...

Alexia: "The Barça style has been on show around the world for years and the fans find that style attractive and are proud of the Barça philosophy."

Q: In 2015 you said nobody ever recognized you in the street. How are you dealing with your sudden fame? 

Alexia: "I’m very introverted, I live in my bunker. But there is also my professional side and I owe that to the fans and members. We saw that with the pandemic, we are nothing without the fans. It totally changes the sport. That part needs to be nourished and if you have to stay behind for fifteen minutes and sign shirts for fans who have paid to watch you, then it is not hard to do."

Q: In the Barça Studios documentary ‘Born to Play’ you show your more personal side and your special relationship with your sister Alba and talk about your father’s death... 

Alexia: "I didn’t want to do it at first, but my family and the club convinced me. I often wonder what my father would think about me today and I’m sure he’d be really happy. It’s a taboo subject within the family. We find it hard to talk about my father."

Q: After winning the Champions League, what other dreams do you have?

Alexia: "To carry on the same. My dream now is to think that when I leave this club, I'll be leaving a legacy, having given everything and won trophies."

Q: From now on, as captain, you will lift the trophy, is that exciting?  

Alexia: "In the Gamper game my teammates said to me that I had to train lifting trophies because up to now I had not done it. It is a special moment, but you are not on your own, the important thing is the path you have chosen to get there and how you did it."

Q: What have you learned from previous captains such as Vicky Losada, Marta Unzué, Laura Ràfols?  

Alexia: "From my first captain, Ani Escribano, I have learned from all of them. Things that have made me grow, things that perhaps were not the most convenient. From everything they did, I have managed to take something away and that is learning. It is thanks to them that I am the player that I am."

Q: As captain, what role do you have with regards to your teammates?  

Alexia: "The captain is the first to make a commitment to the objectives that are set internally, they have to lead by example to reinforce that."

Q: You have been voted the best in Europe and you are a mirror for all the young girls who play football. Do you feel some kind of social responsibility?  

Alexia: "I feel the social responsibility that comes with being a woman, my mother has it, you have it. The fact of being a woman means you have a social responsibility because in history, amongst all of them, they have brought about change such as women's suffrage etc. Now we are fighting for equal opportunities, valuing a person regardless of their sex and that is important for all women, that we are all conscious of that whatever our profession may be. Ours, even more so because I have not had female role models. Girls today see that they have named several Barça players as the best in Europe and the most important thing is that these girls have the opportunity to do the same. There is still a way to go."

Q: The Club has a new of Equality, Inclusion and Diversity. Is equality key?  

Alexia: "When I feel most comfortable is when they treat me as a footballer, not a male or female player, a footballer and I think this is where we need to go."

Q: La Masia is now mixed...history has been made!

Alexia: "The fact that there are girls who are there 24 hours a day to develop as players and as people, and as students, is fantastic. I just wish I had had the opportunity when I was young! If we have got where we are today without La Masia, imagine what these girls will be capable of. My coaches were, with all due respect, the parents, and uncles of my teammates. Now the girls will have qualified coaches who really know about football, imagine how much the level will improve! The future is looking great. However, it is important to not just invest in young female footballers but also the people around the team. For that reason, it's important to have equal opportunities with regards to buying shirts, that the matches receive publicity on TV because if not, the message is that ‘they don't generate income’ will always be there. It's vital that if someone wants to buy a shirt with the name of one of my teammates, that they can find it. That the fans know, at least a week before, when the game is. These are small details that change that message of "they don't generate income" because it will raise the value of competitions, better salaries etc. It's like a circle if you break it somewhere then you lose it all."

Q: There is a good atmosphere in the squad, many of you went on holiday together.  

Alexia: "We've holidays in June and July and our friends and family in August, that means you often go away with friends from the team or from football. This year, after winning the Champions League, 12 of us went to Ibiza together."

Q: You warn that after the treble last season, this one will not be so easy.

Alexia: "As a team we've shown what we can do and now team are studying us, and you probably can't do the same things. For that reason, every year you need to change up, individually and collectively. Moreover, our style is very flexible - the space - however much our opponents try, will always be there. We have to bend matches to our will and that what we train for."

Q: The final in Budapest put you on the path. What is your motivation now?

Alexia: "The motivation is to do it all again. In our heads, we are no longer champions. Also, the fact that there were no fans, and we could not share it with them is also a motivating factor. We have seen that without fans, we are nothing, it changes the game completely."

Q: Your speech at the Gamper game was impressive.

Alexia: "I wanted to make a point about being proud of Barça. It was not difficult, I believed what I was saying."

Q: Are you excited about having extended your contact?

Alexia: "It's the contract renewal that I have been most excited about because I am really looking forward to trying to repeat what we did last year. I am excited by challenges, and this is a motivating one! I am training every day to keep improving and for the time to go quickly. My aim is to retire here but I want to be able to give 100%"

Q: Have you thought about where your professional future lies?  

Alexia: "I will have to be really burnt out not to want to remain in football. Every day I get more interested in coaching, but I don't know if I would do it at all levels."

Q: In the future do you see a woman coaching the team?  

Alexia: "Yes - and the men's team too."