#i spent way too long on the fan alone lmao but its based on one that i own

[ace-shenanigans]

Today on 'jokes i spent too much time on' ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Definitely didnt have dating sims on the brain when drawin this ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (you have no proof)

[catboyantichrist]

Hi there! Can you please do relationship headcanons of a gender neutral MC with autism and ADHD dating the seven brothers? I’d love to see more positive writing of a neurodivergent MC and how each of the brothers would love and respect them regardless of their disabilities. Feel free to do this if you want to. If not, that’s ok! Have a great day! 😁👍🌷🌹🌺🌸🌼🌻🌷🌹🌻🌼🌸🌺

This ask literally made me squeal- my neurodivergent ass is gonna have way too much fun with this- LMAO Just a warning, I'm basing this mainly off of my personal experiences (I have ADHD and am possibly getting tested for atypical autism in the future.). Ill try to be as broad as possible but I'd just like to give a heads up.

Just know that if you don't relate to this post or something in it, that doesn't mean you aren't valid! Everyone experiences neurodivergencey differently ^^

☆The Brothers Dating A GN!MC With Autism & ADHD☆

Day-to-day life has always been a struggle. As it feels like no human truly understands why you function the way you do. From bosses, to teachers, to neurotypical friends. Life can feel draining and like a chore when you're living in a world that doesn't function the way you do.

Then your world literally changes. You're in the devildom now. Most people would be terrified that they're living in a house full of demons. But you weren't. You felt like you finally belonged, and eventually you finally found love. Something that people assumed you'd never be able to find. Well jokes on them because your lover treats you with so much respect and kindness, and of course you do the same. This is some of what your lover does that just makes your heart spin:

Lucifer:

-Much to your dismay, before Lucifer started to get to know you he was similar to the humans you've encountered in the past. This doesn't last long though as one of the brothers (most likely Leviathan or Mammon) try to explain. He begins to go a bit easier on you, and also falls for you.

-When you guys start dating, he makes it his goal to help make your day-to-day life easier. Dare I say, he takes pride in it. (Hahahah aren't I funny?)

-He notices how you need a schedule to function, but how much you hate schedules. So with your permission, he makes a loose schedule and follows it WITH you. It simultaneously helps you function more than usual, and it helps Lucifer take breaks when he needs to.

-You two begin to do everything together, as doing stuff together and holding each other accountable is a lot easier than doing it alone

-If someone ever dares to make a rude comment about you Lucifer will um... "take care of them".

-If you ever get overstimulated from the environment you're in, Lucifer keeps his office wide open as a quiet place for you. He keeps a weighted blanket, some headphones and any stim toys you usually use in a corner of his office. If you're not comfortable with them out in the open he'll keep them in a special box somewhere in his office that others can't get into.

Mammon:

-Executive Dysfunction gang! The both of you are relieved that you understand each other and some dumbass wont just go "jUsT gEt Up aNd dO iT!"

-If you guys are struggling with it at different times, you'll try to help each other do small tasks that require very limited effort so that one of you don't get overwhelmed and stressed out. If its a particularly difficult day, you'll just stay there to support the other if they want that.

-If both of you are struggling that day, you do nothing ✨together✨ and just vibe with each others company.

-This man brings you shiny things. They don't even have to be worth anything, they're just shiny. You proceed to do the same. You two now have a designated spot for shiny things you bring each other. If you have an interest in art, you and him will probably end up using the shiny objects as art projects.

-A LOT of impulse shopping. You guys enable each other. Although you quickly realize that you impulse shop for each other. Every second day you end up bringing each other gifts and laughing about it after.

Leviathan:

-Y'know that arm thing two neurodivergent people do when they find out that the other person is neurodivergent? Yeah you two did that. And still continue to do that. It's your greeting now.

-You two spend tons of time either cuddling and talking about your special interests together, or both of you are pacing around Levi's room talking about your special interests together.

-And if you end up having the same special interest?? Oh man the serotonin you two both get just being AROUND each other.

-If you have a hard time around tons of people (in general or just at certain times) he's more than willing to share his room with you and for you two to do online school together. I mean hey, doing school by yourself online is difficult. (Even if it's more comfortable for you both)

-Will he get you a matching pair of noise cancelling headphones if you have auditory sensory issues, or if you just like the pressure on your head. (I don't know if that's a neurodivergent thing but I will wear my headphones just so that I feel some sort of pressure on my head)

-You both communicate what you need, and whether you need alone time or not. Making sure not to trigger any form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria for eachother.

Satan:

-If you were one of those neurodivergent kids that spent all of their time in the library, going through books like wildfire in middle school, get ready for that to be reignited.

-You two will read together all the time, and if you're having a day where you're more fidgety and don't wanna stay still, Satan is more than happy reading to you while you pace around.

-Satan has a natural curiosity, and loves to learn about anything that he doesn't already know about. So if you have a special interest about your own neurodivergency, he is more than happy to listen to you ramble about your life experiences and symptoms.

-Honestly, it doesn't even have to be about neurodivergency, Satan is happy to listen and learn about anything you're interested currently.

-If you aren't big on physical affection from humans or, well... humanoid people, that's perfectly fine! That's what animals are for! He'll take you to a cat cafe and will enjoy spending time with the animals with you.

-Similar to Lucifer, if anyone makes a comment about the way you act, they wont live to see another day. Unlike Lucifer, the demons who say these comments don't even finish their sentence. They're dead before MC blinks.

Asmodeus:

-When Asmodeus finds out that you have sensory issues that affect what you wear, he decides to hand-make clothes with fabrics of your choice. He has no issue with you prioritizing comfort over appearance, but if you want to put effort into your appearance and texture is stopping you, he's more than happy to design some stuff for you.

-Asmodeus has always been a touchy person, but if you aren't comfortable with that he'd never force you to cuddle. If you are interested in physical affection one of his favourite things to do is put makeup on your face, or just touch your face.

-Speaking of which, if you ever impulsively cut your hair whether it be from breakdown, normal impulsivity, or sensory issues with your hair being longer. He'll always help you cut your hair. He wants to make sure that once you cut it, you wont regret it the next day.

-Depending on whether you like going outside or not (or if its depending on the day) he's more than happy to take you to the fall! He'll make sure you're always comfortable and if you need the attention diverted from you if you need a break!

-If you don't like going outside, Asmo will dedicate certain nights for just you two to hang out. He can always energy match you. Hyperactive? Oh he's right there with you bouncing of the walls. Calmer? He doesn't mind just vibing with you. Comfort? Oh you've come to the right guy.

-Asmodeus is very emotionally intelligent, it may have originally been for the wrong purposes (charming others) but now he can use it to help you work through issues with socializing with others, past traumas from other people, he'll always do his best to support you as long as you'd do the same for him!

Beelzebub:

-Beel is always well meaning, but whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical, communication is key with him. So, if you're unintentionally blunt to neurotypical people, that's exactly what Beel needs and wants. He knows you don't mean it out of harm, you're just trying to state your boundaries.

-Do you need a weighted blanket? This man will become the weighted blanket. He wants to make sure you're comfortable at all times!

-If you have trouble eating, Beel is here to help. If you take meds for ADHD and they make you lose your appetite, or just general forgetfulness, he'll remind you to have at least some sort of small snack throughout the day. Nothing too filling, just enough so that you aren't running on zero food throughout the day.

-All the go-to and comfort foods that you had in the human world? Beel would make it his MISSION to get them, and TONS of it too. It's the only food in the house he wont eat because he knows how important it is to you. He will tear up a bit if you offer to share though.

-If you're in a hyperactive mood, or anxious, Beel will convince you to do some light exercise with him to help calm you down

Belphegor:

-If you have trouble sleeping, Belphie will definitely try and help. Ranging from cuddling, aroma therapy, getting Beel to do exercise with you. To more magical means (if you're comfortable with it) like sleeping powder.

-If you just have a different internal clock than the average person, that's fine too! It may be permanent but that's okay- Belphie will sleep at any time with you.

-Isn't generally a social person so if you're not that big of a fan of social interaction you don't have to worry. Belphie would even do online school with you!

-He would let you use his pillows and blankets to stim if that's something you're interested in. He'd also listen to you ramble about your interests while doing so! As long as you don't mind him talking about the stars afterwards.

-Definitely the most blunt out of his brothers, so communication wouldn't be an issue between you two. If his bluntness is a bit too harsh for you he'll try to tone it down a bit, but it would probably just end up as him trying to explain the reasoning behind the bluntness and how it's not out of harm.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 7 June ‘21

Liam’s podcast with Steve Bartlett is out and while I still don’t care about that guy I’ll give him this-- he does great at getting out of the way and letting Liam talk. And boy does Liam talk! Liam says A LOT and let’s all just pause to send him some big hugs before we get into right? And then look to the future- Liam’s routine is to say ‘things have been terrible but it’s fine, it’s fine NOW’, always, even when that is absolutely obviously not true, and today is no different but for once I actually believe some of his hopeful bits too which is so great! I hope things really are shifting for him and I can’t wait to hear this new song of his. But there’s a lot that’s hard to hear too, oh Liam. He said that he and Maya have broken up (so yes, presumably why he just moved again such a short time after they moved into their haunted house), talked about his struggles with his alcoholism (and said he’s been sober for a month right now, go babe!), shared the usual distressing stories about his time in the band and what that was like for him (and how it still impacts him), and he talked about his new song and how it feels different for him than his past solo music. Truly though there is SO MUCH more than I can get into here or then you can get from the UA highlights- I HIGHLY recommend actually watching at least parts of the video, also because the attempt to summarize so much erases all the charm and humor, of which there is much. If you don’t think you want to watch Liam’s interviews, it has to be because you aren’t watching Liam’s interviews, they’re delightful! Plus really if you care about 1D and want information about what it was like for any of them, listen to Liam, he’s the one who’s out there talking about it.

About Maya he said, that yes, he is now single, and “I’ve just been not been very good at relationships,” and “I’m a proper perfectionist… at the start of the relationship you put out this complete false character like I might as well go in in costume, I’m like putting out something that is not there... kind of like encompassing someone else’s life with your crap rather than just doing your thing and laying out your store from day one. That’s my biggest problem is that I feel like I don’t lay out my store... and then I’m annoyed when they don’t like what I like,” and “I think my problem is I struggle to be on my own sometimes... I dive in and out of relationships too quickly. I’ve not spent enough time on my own to relearn about myself.”

He laughs about his tendency to ask his manager things during interviews; “My fans think that Steve is doing something to me, they’re like liberty for Liam because he always looks to Steve, but that’s because I like him. It’s not because he’s harming me as a person. There’s like a hashtag Liberty for Liam because they think I’m some like prison child,” and he also said “my manager’s my best friend,” (and he’s said in the past he is a big support for him) and mentioned stuff they’d talked about recently around his therapeutic awakenings.

He talked about therapy being something you have to want to do and be ready to do rather than being pushed into, like getting sober, and says that this time around with his own therapy work he’s really felt that and thrown himself into it and he talked a lot about his relationship to therapy in connection with band days. “I mean one of our old managers went to therapy from being a manager of One Direction. So if you can imagine how that feels like the rest of us definitely need some.”

“We were young,” he said, “What I found was I didn’t know I was the boss until like a few months ago, I still don’t even feel like I am now, like I’m such a child. And everyone I work with now is older than me and wiser than me and I’m like what the hell am I doing here with these people. When we were 17 I thought the security guard was like in charge of me so I was like Can we leave the room? No? Oh ok then,” and “when we were in the band, the best way to secure us was just lock us in our rooms. And of course what’s in the room? Minibar. So at a certain point, I thought Well I’m gonna have a party for one and that just seemed to carry on throughout many years of my life... You know I spoke to somebody about this in child development as a teen, the one thing you need is freedom to make choices. That we could do anything we wanted it seemed from the outside but we were always locked in a room at night and then it would be car, hotel room, stage, sing, locked. So it’s like they pulled the dust cloth off, let us out for a minute, but then it’s back underneath again,” and “the day the band ended I was like thank the lord for that. And I know a lot of people are going to be mad with me for saying that, but I needed it to stop. It would kill me.” Anyway, he said, because it wouldn’t be Liam without an upbeat coda, “I don’t want any of this to get lost in translation. I’m not 100% moaning about my life... it’s had its ups and its downs, but I would rather talk about it and it’s therapeutic for me.”

And what about that exciting new song? Liam said, “We have a really cool song in the pipeline... one of the first ones I’ve actually written myself- with some other people, I didn’t write it by myself, but it’s the first one I’ve really liked. And I think I got so used used carting around other peoples songs and not embedding myself creatively in what I do because I was so scared to find out who I was,” and “I don’t really know how I would tour again. I really want to” [on discord today he said he would be touring next year] “I always said throughout my solo career I’d let my song book speak to me. And I don’t think my song book spoke to me to get off my ass. I only became a solo artist because I had Strip That Down. I wasn’t gonna do it, I was gonna leave it alone. I was like, I survived it once thank you very much- but I’m back in now. Because the song, I knew it was right. It felt right with that song, I hadn’t had that. This year, the song we have I feel really really great about. So I’d rather let the music do the talking than me come out and force it. We don’t need any more useless music in the world, it needs to mean something,” and he mentioned the new song on the discord a lot too, most notably picking out a long comment that thanked him for making the fan feel supported and safe and for “putting your heart in everything you do” and for his support of the LGBTQ community to respond to with, “I think you will really like the new song.”

A few other random bits, he said that he thinks there should be a system to make therapy available to musicians in the industry, “I think I’m definitely gonna get a dog because I need routine,” and “I recently started jujitsu,” yeah you and everyone else huh, so do him and Louis and Oli go to the same gym or ???, and he acknowledged that as an addict he may have just transferred that to working out “but there’s a lot worse things to be addicted to then looking after yourself” hmm but he does seem to say that he’s doing better around body image stuff; he talks about having put on weight during lockdown and seeing himself in the BAFTAS performance- “I saw myself... and I was like ‘oh my god I’ve completely let myself go in this’. And it was fine...I feel so much more secure in myself now.” Oh and that he’s written a comedic movie script “based around AA” and his experiences there, such as how “I had a really weird AA experience the first time that I went. My first experience was with Russell Brand.” LMAO yes! Cannot wait, bring on auteur Liam please! Anyway as if ALL THAT wasn’t enough he’s also dove into the lead up to his NFT release; he said “I'm almost ready to share my NFTs with you guys... Who wants to see them?” and posted a tiny preview that tells us its (their?) title for the first time- Lonely Bug.

Niall and Anne Marie perform on Jimmy Fallon tonight, and the hype is already a go! I guess it’s prerecorded, as we’re already seeing pictures from it; they’re singing to each other with the cute car from the video in the background. Niall signed on to a letter to Boris Johnson asking for changes to music streaming revenue rules and signed by 232 artists (including all the artists Johnson recently named as his favorites, haha). Zayn signed on to a Billboard petition to the US senate calling for gun safety laws. The bar Zayn got into the fight in front of posted “Zayn's a regular at Amsterdam Billiards and he is a true gentleman. On Thursday night he was confronted by an inebriated passer-by outside on the street and was called a homophobic slur. We support Zayn & condemn homophobia in the strongest terms!” And also PS omg again because it just isn’t going away: Harry’s beauty company is called Pleased As, his name is Harry Edward Styles so yes when listed last name first, as legal documents do, it spells SHE but it is not a ��feminist abbreviation” (WHAT? even??) nor the name of the business.

[tyremarbles]

Post-Race McLaren Strategy Analysis

Foreword: Y’all know me, I try to make sure I know everything I can before I actually say anything, and this analysis took me nearly 5 hours last night. I didn’t go to bed until like 3am because I was so busy double-checking all my facts lmao. Special thanks to @imthebadguyyy & my dad for being my test readers :)))

During the Dutch Grand Prix Race Session this past Sunday, September 5th, 2021, McLaren made some strategy calls that presented as the team favoring Lando over Daniel. The opinion that came to light was that McLaren were making Daniel into the secondary driver, which is something he had come to the team in hopes of avoiding. This opinion, while it is a valid one to express, isn’t one that holds much water when you zoom out from the context of that set of radio transmissions.

McLaren is a midfield team. They aren’t focused on winning the championship; just on getting the highest place they can in order to get the most money. Their best chance of doing that is by ensuring they get the most points out of each race.

Despite the fact that Lando has been with McLaren for five years now, he isn’t their number one driver; McLaren doesn’t have one. They can’t if they want to maximize their opportunity for points. What they can do, though, is prioritize whoever is consistently delivering the better results on a week-by-week basis. Thus far, that driver just happens to be Lando. Which makes sense, considering that Daniel is just starting to really feel comfortable in the MCL35M.

Lando has felt more comfortable in the car over the course of the 2021 season. An obvious explanation for this is that Lando has been with the team since 2017, where he signed as a Junior Driver, and has had much longer to adapt his driving style to the car. This is Daniel’s first year with McLaren. His previous seasons have been spent, for the most part, in a RedBull-designed car. Even when he was at Renault, it was expressed that the cars handled very similarly to a RedBull. The MCL35M, as he has expressed, handles very differently than what he had grown accustomed to, and doesn’t particularly seem to fit his driving style. As the 2021 season has progressed, however, Daniel has shown he has made progress in adapting to the car.

Comparing qualifying results to race results, Daniel has consistently started further back on the grid. This puts him at a disadvantage from a points strategy perspective. The further back you are, the harder you have to work to gain places over the course of a race. I’m not saying he’s incapable of gaining those places back; he’s shown quite the opposite actually, most notably in Portugal and Austria this season with a 7-place jump from 16th to 9th and a 6-place jump from 13th to 7th, respectively. What I am saying is that if you’re not comfortable in the car, or you’re at a track where overtaking is nigh-impossible, or you’re already close enough to the points to get there on your own, team strategy may not fall in your favor.

But despite his difficulties adjusting to the car, Daniel is in no danger of dropping off and playing second fiddle to Lando like you all suggest. Daniel is a talented driver. If he wasn’t, would he really still be in the sport after a decade? Would McLaren have followed him for years, determined to add him to the team? His move to McLaren, while still in its adjustment period, is one that’s beneficial and positive for all parties involved. Lando may have talent and skill, as clearly shown by his F3 Championship title and frankly outstanding performance the past couple seasons (4 podiums, a front row start, most consecutive points finishes), but he’s still very young. This is only his third year in Formula 1, and he’s only older than me by three years. Compare that to Daniel, who’s been competing in Formula 1 for ten years now, was a driver for one of the two top teams for over half of his career (7 years, counting Toro Rosso), and placed 3rd in the WDC for said team twice in 2014 & 2016. Do you seriously think that McLaren gives him a multimillion dollar paycheck because they want him to play racetrack bodyguard for Lando?

Bringing in someone like Daniel, who has years of training, skill, and knowledge, and an invaluable perspective on not only racing, but on one of the title contenders, is a major asset to all aspects of the team. Sure, he may be new to McLaren, but he is a long way off being new to racing.

Was the strategy this weekend arguably a hot mess? Oh, absolutely. But it wasn’t a one-team phenomenon. Strategy overall this weekend has been all over the place, and I kinda see why. We haven’t raced at Zandvoort since 1985, when the track itself and the cars were much, much different. You can’t really go off of race strategy from the mid-80’s when the track did not include the bankings it currently has and when the car and tyre specifications have changed drastically. Everyone was basically flying in blind.

What the teams could rely on, was all the data they were getting from practice sessions (even if every single one was red-flagged at some point). And the data that McLaren was receiving likely suggested that Lando would be a stronger contender for points, based on comparative lap pace alone.

Over the course of 18 laps in FP1, Lando’s lap time was quicker than Daniel’s by 0.402s, or an average of 4/10ths.

Over the course of FP2, where Lando ran two more laps than Daniel, Lando’s lap time was quicker than Daniel’s by 0.669s, or nearly 7/10ths.

Over the course of 19 laps in FP3, Lando’s lap time was quicker than Daniel’s by 0.232s, or an average of 2/10ths.

During Qualifying, Daniel actually had the faster lap time, pulling an even 0.24s on Lando, and only just squeezed his way into Q3.

The gap between Lando (P13) and George (P11) was 0.074s. That is a tiny gap to cover, and had there not been a red flag to close out Q2, I feel like Lando could have easily cinched a Top 10 start.

During the race, did the strategy of McLaren look as if it was all being done in the favor of Lando? Yes, it kinda did. But when you look at things like race pace, tyre degradation, and what other teams are doing, it’s not necessarily difficult to see why. Over the course of the weekend, Lando consistently put out faster lap times and gained three places on his own during Lap 29, when the three cars in front of him all decided to pit at once. And yes, Daniel did pit first out of the two McLarens, but he was going to have to do so anyway. He started the race on the set of Softs he ran during Qualifying, and Lando started on Mediums. Mediums last longer than Softs. Later in the race, it looked as though Lando had the pace to push past the Alpine cars ahead of him & Daniel, so a call was made to basically switch the two of them around. From what I saw, this call is what made people the most upset. I, as a big fan of both drivers, was also upset at the time, as it felt strange to not just have Daniel try to gain places he was already closer to. But the longer I put thought and research into this analysis, the more I think I see what they were trying to do.

Had this moment of strategy been implemented a few laps earlier, and had it gone according to plan, Daniel could have held off Checo until Lando passed them both (making it a P9/P10), then followed Lando until he got around Esteban and then try and take his shot as Esteban as well (which could’ve given them a P8/P10 or P8/P9). At no point does this potential line of strategy truly favor either driver. Now, obviously I do not work for McLaren and have no true insight into their plans, but this is simply what made the most sense. Have the driver who’s already there hold off the car in between until the other driver can overtake/pass, and then have the first driver follow behind until there’s an opening to make the same move on the next car. Easy points, easy money!

But, mistakes were made. That call came much too late for it to truly work, and that’s just the risk they had to take. At the end of the day, it was not a call made to screw Daniel over, or to play favoritism to Lando. It was simply what could’ve been a good call made too late for good execution.

[I made some graphics to aid my own thought process and I’ve stuck them under the Read More for y’all to look at if you want!]

[chrysalispen]

pursuit/predation (zenoswol)

This was a lot of fun LMAO I hope you all enjoy reading as much as i did writing it! Commission for @noxi-lumi featuring their WoL, Raziela Undeni <3

NSFW under cut. CW for mildly violent imagery (it is Zenos, after all).

======

Two and a half fulms below the angled opening of his makeshift bolthole, Zenos yae Galvus peered up at the sky with a borrowed face to watch the storm that had raged for two days. The levin-aspected aether in the northern hinterlands of Gyr Abania often lent itself to violent thunderstorms, with static bursts that rendered the escarpment too hazardous to cross. There were waypoints in the mountains to seek shelter from the weather but he had eschewed them, thinking that the fewer encounters to detain (and bore) him, the better. 

He had ever chafed at forced inactivity, but all in all, Zenos reasoned, this was but a temporary setback. Man was a beast bred for hunting, a pursuit predator, and he was nothing if not the pinnacle of that ideal. He would do as his ancient ancestors had done: bide his time and await his next opportunity. Once the storm had spent itself, he could go.

He whistled the opening bars of a parade ground march under his breath - a low and toneless sound like loch winds moaning around the corners of sandstone - and let his eyes fall shut.

Seconds and minutes passed as an age. Bereft of aught else to entertain him, his thoughts turned to his memories of the Eorzeans’ champion: that wild creature of sword and spell. Eikon-slayer. Saviour of the savages, so-called. Epithets overheard from idle barracks' chatter, although Zenos set little stock in the distinction between his own kind and the rest of the world as others did. Garleans bled the same, quailed in fear the same, and died screaming the same as any savage, and she had long since proven her mettle to his satisfaction. She strode the world as he did, towering above her fellows, a beast without peer. 

He still recalled with crystal clarity the day they had met. Then he had barely paid mind to her paltry attempts to halt his advance; countless enemies had attacked him out of fear or desperation to stave off the inevitable, after all. Even so, he had seen neither of those things in their hero's magenta eyes. A grim sort of determination, to be sure; the steely resolve he would expect of one well-versed in the path he walked himself- but no fear. 

There had been another emotion which he still couldn’t quite define, the faintest flicker of something. Curiosity, mayhap. His own exultation in the heat of the fight, mirrored in her mien. A reflection of himself, some alternate path he had never chanced to walk. 

Whatever it was he had seen that day, it had moved him to spare her life. 

And how right he had been to do it. She was worth a score of tribunes on her own-- fivescore, if the truth be told. Had she agreed to his proposal, or had he kept his word rather than indulge his lust for violence in that precise moment… 

How very different things might have been. 

Well, perhaps, he amended. They each had their parts to play. But upon the stage of his imaginings, anything was possible. There he could entertain to his heart’s content his fantasies of his friend returned to him, stronger still for her own tribulations. 

He meant to duel her again and had no doubt she would oblige him.  The prospect of it did not deter him; no, he yearned for the excitement of it. The surge of heat through the veins with each perfectly executed step, air burning the throat and whistling in the lungs, the ever-present specter of death looming over one’s shoulder-- what was violence, in truth, but a dance? Were not those dances with the most precarious, most intricate of steps best enjoyed with a partner of comparable skill? 

In the end that was what he had seen in her: a worthy partner, at long last. Whether to stand at his side or to test her blade against his, he would accept both, but to fight his most precious friend once more, to recapture that kindled flame-- that would be a fine thing.

Oh yes, that would be quite fine indeed.

Remembered delight shuddered its way across the surface of his skin, a delicious and almost delicate frisson that bored its way down his spine to curl and tighten in the pit of his belly. Zenos was no stranger to lust; since his majority plenty of his lessers had used their bodies to curry his favor for some petty reason or other, with naught in their hearts save ambition and fear. Carnal knowledge was both prosaic and vulgar, rutting the sole province of mindless beasts, and it had not taken him long to decide that such matters held little of interest or value to him. 

But this sweet and languorous warmth, like honey in a well-steeped tea-- he realized that he did not mind it so very much. It reminded him of the menagerie, and his last sight of her before he had opened his own throat and bled out into the flowers. Joy, pure and transcendent. 

Yes, he decided; this pleased him.

With a soft grunt Zenos shifted his hips. The motion left him keenly aware of the physical evidence of his arousal against the mild rise below his navel, where it strained against twin cages of cloth and leather for freedom. That spreading ache was not a sensation entirely alien to him, but it did strike him strange how very aware it made him of this borrowed body on such a base level. Heat and hyperawareness punctured the fine invisible layers of his detachment with the pinpoint precision of a sewing needle through linen.

His eyes fell shut once more in a series of slow and lazy blinks: a contented feline drowsing atop a fresh kill. 

He settled one hand over the seam of his breeches where the fabric was pulling taut and palmed himself, running his fingers lazily along the firm ridge his cock had formed beneath the thick weave. If he paid heed only to those slow and teasing strokes, he could convince himself that it was her, touching him so intimately---her hand dragging those sharp and immaculate nails he had glimpsed up and down his length. Scratching their points with calculated ease along the underside of his shaft, applying just enough pressure through the fabric to leave tiny trails of fire in their wake. 

A soft groan rumbled deep in his chest, and Zenos tilted his chin back so as to rest his head against the rock, thighs spreading to accommodate his girth. What would she do, he mused, should she chance to see him caught in the web of his own desire? Driven to distraction by the mere thought of her, the very picture of the animal in full rut which he had so scorned? 

The irony of it would amuse her, he had no doubt about that. Perhaps she might grin at the spectacle. 

Perhaps she would even laugh. He presumed to imagine it, a sight and sound he had yet to experience. A wicked, throaty peal of mirth. The toss of short sable locks, the tilt and swivel of long tufted ears, the stretch of her long and graceful neck as she tossed her chin. Grinned at him, feral and dark, that smile he so loved to see before her inevitable riposte. 

Savagery to rival his own, swathed in leather and crimson.

So thinking, Zenos’ fingers drifted upward of their own accord, straying from the insistent need betwixt his opened thighs to work at the waistband of his breeches instead. 

Lashes fluttered like a courtesan’s fan at the edges of angular cheekbones, suffused with color and dewy with a light band of sweat despite the chill within his shelter. In his mind’s eye, she straddled him as her clever fingers worked the buttons and laces that bound him fast, impatient to pluck her prize from its confines. He fancied he could feel the contained heat of her core against his leg even through the barrier of her smalls, burning as though the sun itself had branded him. 

When he raised himself to pull the offending fabric to his knees, it was she who closed her hand about his cock, grasping him just a touch too snugly. Her thumb stroked tiny circles over the foreskin as the shaft lunged eagerly within the cage of her palm; he could almost hear a hum of low-pitched approval. Each stroke she made eased the smooth, hot skin to retract and expose his crown: deeply flushed, its tip already glistening with precum. Zenos sighed, his borrowed body rocking upward to thrust into her hand, seeking friction to accompany that narrow squeeze. Anything would do, really. Except he needed--

Shallow breaths rasped unsteadily in the close space as he slicked his palm with his own saliva, grimaced, then took himself in hand once more. 

Wet heat and resistance alone nearly undid him. His startled inhalation made a sharp and rasping echo that he barely heard, lost as he was in his fantasy. She had shed her duelist’s garb, laid herself bare to embrace him with long and powerful thighs, like velvet-wrapped steel. He shuddered at the effort it took to control himself, to let gravity carry her down to sheathe him in her depths, to let her move atop him to counter his thrusts with her own: a beautiful beast with lips for kissing and teeth for tearing. She laid both to work upon his throat and his shoulders with each upward snap of his hips-- drank deep of him, and he of her, until his stomach ached from ribcage to groin with unrelieved tension. 

Violence in its own sense, he thought. A dance most intimate, and as real and as pure as the day they had parted.

“Yes, my beast,” he hissed aloud. The sibilant sound of his pleasure rose and reverberated around him, a chorus of empty whispers. “Just so.” His free hand fisted in a handful of loose gravel and his mouth fell slack and the spare limbs and lean angles of this unfamiliar vessel, all wrong, not his, arched like a bowstring. His heels dug into unyielding rock rather than bedsheets for purchase. Her fingers entwined with his, sharp nails grazing his knuckles, tiny cuts to blend with the myriad small scars left by 

(hunting. a pale silver-white web of scar tissue in the center of his left palm - his true vessel's left palm - where his fourteen-year-old self pierced it with a crystal. a parting gift to the first man he ever killed. its tendrils radiate outward between each of his fingers like the cracks made in a pane of shattered glass)

arrows and fletching. She was close; he fancied he could hear the labored rattle of her breathing with each small moan she made. Bracing her weight against his torso and balancing upon his thighs to bounce, sounds only he could hear tumbling from imaginary lips parted and glistening, her cunt flexing about him like a silken vise as she approached the edge of release and swept him along like an incoming tide--

--and the pressure in his groin dropped, at last, and when he spilled, his seed splashing over his frantically moving fist and locked fingers and onto the muscled slope of his exposed belly, it was her name which fell from his lips, not hero or beast but Raziela, Raziela.

Long moments passed before he opened his eyes, chest heaving and fingers numb and loosely wrapped about his spent cock, still pulsing beneath his touch. The syllables of her name seemed to echo in his ears, a mantra to recite to himself until he had locked it into his memory to recall at a whim. 

He waited in patient silence, willing his pulse to slow and his lungs to expand in an unhurried rise and fall. There was a low rumble from the opening of his shelter and after long moments, a flicker of lightning. The storm was passing and with it the levinstrikes. He would be able to move soon.

With movements as slow and languid as a sleepwalker’s, Zenos reached for the belt he had removed upon entering the cave and dug through its pockets until he found something that would serve as a washcloth. His gaze, as he wiped himself down and rearranged drab layers of linen and oilcloth into some semblance of order, was very far away, fixed upon the thinning clouds and the wheel of stars beyond. The moon hung low in the sky, bloated and orange.

I wonder where you are, my friend, he thought. If you have given thought to our meeting at all. 

“Raziela,” he whispered once more, as if testing the sensation of her name on his tongue. In the darkness of the cavern, his eyes glittered like a hungry cat’s.

It was only a matter of time before they were reunited; he would make certain of it. Once he had regained his true form, they would have their dance. A grand reunion upon a great stage, two stars to burn bright, and oh, there would be such a burning. To capture this bliss and relive it with her-- he would give anything in his power, and the very star itself would tremble at their union.

When he emerged from the cavern at last to clear skies and a still night, the moon hid its face behind a passing cloudbank like prey that had caught his scent. And within the bounds of his stolen vessel, Zenos yae Galvus smiled to see it.

[heeyjuuuude]

so i’m finally posting some of my writing!! any feedback is welcome — it’s been years since i’ve posted anything, and my writing style has changed quite a bit. (this is so much longer and more intense than i had planned good lord.)

a couple things real quick! in this, there are some thinly-veiled references to nsfw happenings and some decidedly less thinly-veiled internalized homophobia, some of which comes from bitty’s experience with religion, and general homophobia. there’s also a passing mention of past canon-typical underage alcohol consumption. please read with caution, and if you have any concerns or think i missed a tag, please please please contact me!! going by ao3 standards, this is rated mature.

edit: this is now posted on ao3! you’re not allowed to judge me for my old fics lmao

(we’ll take it slow and) grow as we go

The thing is, Eric does want this. In the weeks between three stolen kisses in an empty bedroom and Jack joining him in Madison, he spent nights alone except for the ghost of Jack’s lips on his, and in his mind those lips press under the corner of his jaw and then over the swell of his Adam’s apple and then into the dip of his collarbone, and maybe they go lower and lower and lower.

In the privacy of his room, late enough at night that Mama and Coach have long ago knocked their goodnights on his closed bedroom door, this is safe to imagine, and it’s not quite anything new to him. He’s known without any doubt he prefers boys since he was fifteen and fumbling with the computer mouse on days when the house was empty but for a small teenager with red cheeks and wide eyes. He spent many nights with videos of men dressed in nothing burned into the backs of his eyelids, bottom lip tucked between his teeth and one hand tucked under the elastic lining the top of his boxers. And for exactly the same number of nights of that, there was a half hour spent in tears or near it, wondering if there was something wrong with him and wondering if Father Wilson was right in his homily last week and wondering how long he needs to pretend to think of girls with long wavy hair instead of boys with callused hands.

So no, it isn’t new and hasn’t been for years, but it feels like it is. There are similarities between then and now — Coach is down at the school, busy running his football players into the ground under the blazing summer sun, and Mama is on a front porch miles away, busy sipping sweet tea with her church friends under the brim of a baseball cap, and Eric’s cheeks are burning bright. The differences, though, are more important. He has his body curled into Jack’s, his lips pressed to Jack’s, his fingers tangled around Jack’s. They’re trading sweet, lazy kisses, laying on their sides with Eric’s dark teal duvet pulled around their shoulders so that the warmth of their bodies is trapped around them. He finds he doesn’t much mind the heat, and he supposes the fan whirring and clicking above their heads helps, but there’s just something blooming in the air between them — not that there’s much air there — and he isn’t sure whether it’s love or lust but he is sure that some part of him is aching for it in a way he isn’t used to.

He tells himself that it’s okay to want this, as Jack’s lips part against his. He tells himself that the heat simmering low in his stomach is okay when Jack slots one leg through both of his, and when his boyfriend’s leg presses higher, he tells himself that rocking his hips against the pressure is okay. There have been times when he forgot, and years of living in a conservative, Southern, and Christian house catch up to him. The first time Jack kissed him — and the second time that had followed immediately, and the third — had left him with a whirling mind and tight chest and a lip gnawed into red and pain by his own teeth, like that would sting the gentle pressure of Jack’s lips back into reality. The kissing he isn’t a stranger to, not really, but somehow, irrationally, there is a world of difference between being maybe a step past tipsy, clumsily making out with his Winter Screw date as rough, strong fingers curled around the back of his neck, and being in his childhood home, room, bed with his boyfriend and pressing open-mouthed kisses to eager, soft lips as his hips grind, lazy and slow, to seek the sweet pleasure being offered to him.

Eric tells himself it’s okay, but when Jack’s fingers lower from his shoulders to his waist to below the band of his boxers, he forgets.

There’s a moment where he doesn’t quite realize what’s happening, and then their lips separate and a Is this okay is offered to him on a breath and a silver platter. In the same moment that he recognizes the hard line nudging at his thigh, Eric is pushing at Jack’s chest, suddenly needing space that he doesn’t have. He’s mumbling words like hang on and wait, even as Jack manages an awkward roll-scoot combination that has him nearly hanging off the edge of the bed. And then they’re staring at each other, equally wide-eyed and flushed, and Eric clamps his mouth shut. He’s sure that opening it would be condemning, sure that words would tip over the edge of his tongue and tumble, rough and unplanned, into the fragile silence that separates them. He’s also sure that he doesn’t really want that to happen.

“Bits,” Jack finally says, simply, after a full minute has disappeared. His voice is gentle but unsure, cautious and caring. It’s what Eric is waiting for, apparently, because he slumps forward like a puppet with its strings abruptly snipped, and in between one moment and the next he finds himself with his forehead tucked into the corner of Jack’s neck and shoulder. He feels Jack begin to reach for him, automatically, and then he pauses; Eric nods, and one hand wraps around the back of his neck, a thumb stroking slowly, and the other arm winds around his waist to pull him forward a little. “Bitty, it’s okay. I mean — is something wrong?”

When a slightly helpless laugh flies from his mouth, Eric just shakes his head, and chases the noise with words. “No, honey. Just ... old mindsets die hard, y’know?” It takes one, two, three heartbeats, but he feels the second Jack understands, because the thumb rubbing at his hairline where it lies on the base of his skill pauses, and the rest of his fingers twitch like they want to tighten and only get that they shouldn’t a moment too late. Eric heaves a heavy sigh. “I just — it’s so frustrating,” he admits to Jack’s shirt. “I mean, I tell others that it’s okay to be queer all the time. All the time! But with me it’s just sort of ... different. I still, um. I still can’t handle ....” He trails off and pulls away a little, keeping his head tilted down and his eyes trained on Jack’s shirt. There’s a piece of fuzz clinging to it; he pulls it off and wriggles his fingers over the edge of the bed until it falls to the ground. “The idea of me being intimate with a guy is kinda ... off.”

A beat. And then — “Are you asexual?” 

“Oh, I — no, I don’t think so.” He’s considered it, briefly, in the past, especially after Shitty’s talk about how someone can be asexual and still enjoy sex, but he’s positive he still feels that sort of attraction. Lord help him, he’s beyond sure.

“It’s okay if you are, Bits. We don’t ever have to —”

“Jack, you sweet boy. I really appreciate that, I do, but I’m not. I do want to — to be intimate with you. I just ... I don’t know, there’s no explaining it. But I think it’s just the mindset I grew up in and it’s harder to shake than I thought.” Eric pauses for a second, considering his own words, and then looks up to see if Jack’s expression will somehow help him.

It’s a mistake. The look on Jack’s face is — it’s not really pitying, but it’s ... sorrowful, he realizes. Sorrowful is the word. It makes Eric’s heart constrict a little, and then he finds himself smiling a little, almost against his will. Before Jack can say whatever is on the tip of his tongue, Eric leans in to brush a quick, chaste kiss against his lips, and then pulls back to tilt his head in until their foreheads and then noses connect. He waits a moment before saying anything, still mindful of how Jack had seemed to be wanting to speak up, but after the clock on the other side of the room has carefully counted out seven seconds of quiet, he exhales, and the noise is definitely either a hum or a sigh.

“I hate that I can’t — can’t practice what I preach,” Eric confesses finally, the words reaching out to bridge the little distance there is left between them, like they can make up for the fact that they’re no longer as entwined as they had been just a minute or so ago. “I feel so hypocritical, being so out and proud at Samwell and so ... so afraid to actually be proud of myse — no, that’s not right.” He whines, frustrated, and his eyes, already closed, tighten. He can feel the way it makes his forehead wrinkled against Jack’s. “I am proud of myself. But sometimes it’s like my brain doesn’t really know that. My heart does, and my — my body, but my brain’s just sorta like ‘No, that’s okay!’ And I guess it’s just because I’ve ... well, I’ve been told that it isn’t okay my entire life. Did you know my mama’s first conversation with me about the queer community involved her showing me an article about a man who decided to never date or anythin’ because he was gay and wanted to be able to dedicate his life to God? And, I mean, it’s his decision, I guess, but then she said all this stuff about how that was exactly what gay people should do. Which was just so hard to hear, because at the time I was maybe thirteen an’ startin’ to realize I wasn’t straight an’ that kinda stuck with me all these years an’ — and —” Another high pitched whine marks the end of the sentence, and he begins thunking his head lightly against Jack’s shoulder — at some point he shifted — until a hand curls into his hair, holding him firmly and effectively immobilizing him.

“Whatever you feel is valid,” Jack starts, slow but steady, “but that doesn’t make it right. You aren’t broken for wanting this. And I know you know this, so don’t look at me like that, but you need to hear it again sometimes.”

It isn’t until he hears those words that he is struck with how much he needed them, and then Eric is struck with such an overwhelming wave of fondness — because Jack knew, just like he always did, exactly what Eric had needed — that all he can do is squirm closer and promise himself that he’ll finally give in and make that nutritionist-approved version of the pie Jack’s been asking for.

After a stretched out silence, Jack’s arms find their way around his waist again and Eric is pulled close, and he feels more than hears when there’s an inhalation that seems to be leaning into a sentence. He waits patiently when none follows immediately, and soon after —

“What do you need from me, bud?” Jack asks, the words quietly pleading and cracking but so, so grounding. Eric sort of sinks into them, huffing a warm, maybe-slightly-wet laugh into the soft fabric of Jack’s shirt, and takes the time to consider the question.

“I — at some point we should ... well, I think there’s a little more to talk about,” he admits, and Jack nods his agreement with an encouraging hum. The next sentence is loosed before he really thinks about it, but in its release and freedom he finds it true. “But, um, for now, I think I’m done. Can we just stay here until Mama and Coach get home?”

“Of course, Bits, yeah. Whatever you need.” Without another word, they begin to move around again, shifting until they’re molded together, secure and warm and perfect. Eventually they find themselves in a mimicry of their position from the beginning, curled up on their sides and facing each other with their legs and fingers tangled, but Eric keeps his face in the safety of Jack’s chest, and Jack cranes his neck to whisper kisses into the hair on the crown of his head.

“Thank you,” Eric offers, in between grazing two kisses on the exposed skin of Jack’s collar. He can sense the head tilt that receives this, so he clarifies, “Thank you for being so ...” only to come to the conclusion that he doesn’t know the words that will summarize the feeling in his chest. Luckily, it seems like he doesn’t need to.”

“Yeah, Bits. Anytime. Anything.”

And with that, Eric lets his eyes close and gently separates his fingers from Jack’s only to clutch at his shirt instead, and he reaches up with his face to find his boyfriend waiting for him. He smiles as their lips meet.

[rattlung]

sorry this took so long! it kinda got away from me after a bit (it’s like 6k words so i’m rlly hoping this read more works on mobile lmao) and turned into a lot of introspection, as my stuff often does when it comes to mirage for some reason. hope you enjoy :^) and ty for sending smth in

(yeah ik mystik keeping in contact through fuckin fan mail is a bit of a stretch especially since crypto mentions burning letters, implying communication through paper, but it was the only thing i could come up with and i didn’t want this to take longer than necessary. just kinda shrug it off because at this point - eh yknow??? the letter mirage comes across is based off the one crypto sends to mystik in the loading screen with him and gibby

also, i looked up a ton of different sites and even checked the wiki but i’m still nervous about crypto’s name and how to write it properly. if i’m still doing it wrong, please please PLEASE let me know. i will literally rewrite this entire thing lmao)

established relationship kinda idk and also set in a kinda canon divergent au where the games hold seasons that last a few months with set teams

----=----

Despite popular belief, Elliott was a smart guy. He lived and studied under his mother, an amazing engineer in her own right, and even had a huge part in the development of some of the tech he used in the arena. It’s just that, sometimes, even he forgot about his own intelligence. Standing next to his fellow legends, it was like any confidence he had left in one fell swoop. He would stutter under their gazes and second guess himself on anything he said the second he said it. It’s something he’d always berate himself on later when he’s alone in his dorm where no one could see him.

Because he was smart. He’d tell himself that when he looked at his own smiling face, as surrounded as he was by it. Apex merch, some fanart, some cutouts they had stood up in stores he’d been sent. Elliott would stare at it all and remind himself that Mirage in the media was who he was. He’d gotten to legend status on his own, and that wasn’t something to write off. He was as intelligent as the rest of them, he just needed to remember that.

Though, admittedly, it did take Elliott a good minute to realize that the message he’d been sent wasn’t for him.

But, in his defense, this wasn’t an issue that had ever come up before. After their breach that forced them to move planets, the Apex Team had taken extra precautions when it came to legends getting fan mail. Elliott hadn’t blamed them, but he still couldn’t help but raise a brow at the extent they went to. In his opinion, it was just, like, two steps above sending it in on paper the old fashioned way. Honestly, that would go faster, since that didn’t need to be scoured by security software. Sometimes the dates lagged by so much that Elliott would get things months after a someone sent it.

So, yes, it did require a few read through’s for him to parse what was going on in the small paragraph. To be fair, it had his name in it. Don’t act so pretentious, TJ, everyone knows who Mirage is. The rest of the message was written in the same way: to someone who wasn’t actually Elliott and from someone who’s seemingly exchanged letters with this “TJ” before.

Maybe the program was on the fritz, picked out Elliott’s alias and sent it over to his inbox. It was something worth mentioning to the higher ups, because that absolutely had to be a liability in their new safety protocols. But more importantly - and definitely the thing he was going to address first - who was this letter for? Who was TJ?

There were only a few options, as most of the legends had opted to come forth with their real names when signing up for the Games. Elliott knew Bloodhound still operated under a veil of mystery, but he doubted they could be TJ. From what he remembered when he walked passed their dorm - which was usually something he tried to do quickly, since the bird Hound kept in there with them seemed to like Elliott only a little more than it liked Pathfinder - they didn’t even have a computer set up. No contact to the outside world unless it was through interviews.

Wraith just recently came across her name, Elliott remembered. She’d mentioned it in passing before disappearing for a few weeks in an abrupt request for time off. Wraith never really talked to anyone, so it kind of made sense. Everyone needed someone to vent to, even if it was about Elliott. What could TJ stand for? Taylor Jenkins? Tanya Jones?

Tilly Junior.

But then again, it really could have been any of them. Elliott wouldn’t put it passed Caustic to be using a fake name. Any of them could be using a fake name, and he doubted going around and asking would get him anywhere. 

Elliott let the holopad slip onto the cushion of the couch he’d been lounging on, his head falling back to thump against the wall. Crypto would be able to help with the new mystery, that was at least something he was sure of. The amount of badgering and begging needed to actually get the hacker to relent and do any helping? Now that was unknown as well. 

In the months that the season encompassed, he and Crypto ended up getting closer than probably either of them would have liked - at least in the beginning. Elliott couldn’t imagine what he would have thought then if he was told that most of his nights out of the arena would be spent at the other’s side, in his dorm, Crypto fiddling with some of the tech Elliott had lying around as Elliott himself talked his ear off.

Crypto was a good listener, he found. It was something in the quiet he maintained around him, a whole lot different than, say, Bloodhound’s. Not that Bloodhound was cold and off-putting; it was more so like what Elliott imagined stepping into an ancient library would be like. Something about Bloodhound made anything above a whisper seem too loud, and out of respect for said library, Elliott left them alone.

And then there was that time Crypto had caught Elliott staring at him when he blasted Caustic with a Charge Rifle from about 300 meters away. The only thing he’d done was give Elliott that knowing smirk then followed it up with an honest to god wink. Elliott was gone after that. 

Things had changed in a steady progression. Instead of Elliott being the one to find him, Crypto would seek him out rather than hide away in his own dorm. When Elliott would invite him to his dorm, mostly joking, Crypto would surprise him by accepting. There wasn’t any verbal confirmation in the shift, though, and sometimes Elliott would worry about it, wonder if he was reading too much into things. Not that it was a big deal. He never cared much about labels, except when he really, really did.

But then Crypto would sometimes push Elliott against a wall in the downtime during the games while they were looting, or even when they were just hanging out. He’d silence ramblings by covering Elliott’s mouth with his own, and who was Elliott to tell him no? 

They were close, now, yes, but for as good as Crypto listened, he didn’t talk much. It was something Elliott attempted to change. He tried to get him to open up in various ways, but the longest he’s ever gotten Crypto to talk was when he asked about the Holo Gear Mirage used on the field. Even then, Elliott did most of the talking. He’d gushed about his mom, how she did a lot of the work and he handled more of the fine tuning, reminisced about their workshop, the long days they used to spent together. Elliott remembered picking up something different from Crypto, then, something almost sad. Like maybe he’d been missing something, too.

Elliott never got to ask about it. Crypto had retreated to his own quarters pretty fast after that. He was too confused to wonder what he’d done wrong, and the worry was put to rest before he ever actually got to worry about it at all when Crpyto sidled up next to him the next day right before the drop. The situation just reaffirmed that there was a lot that Elliott didn’t know, like what kept Crypto so quiet, who he thought about when Elliott talked about working with his mother, what he always seemed to be working on when he was alone.

Or his name, Elliott realized.

After a pause, he scrambled back into a sitting position and grabbed the holopad again. There was public information on every legend that signed up for the Games, but the last he’d checked there had been something wrong with the page dedicated to Crypto. It showed multiple different error codes that were random upon opening the page and sometimes it would even crash a browser entirely. Forums still existed, though, and Elliott would use that to his advantage.

Quietly, in the back of his mind, he felt guilty, felt like he was doing something he shouldn’t.

A lot of the threads were just talking about the recent games and Crypto’s happenings in them. They talked about his marksmanship, which was pretty impressive, Elliott had to say. It wasn’t until a few minutes of scrolling - spent looking through GIFs and videos of highlights, that he won’t admit to - brought him to a specific thread. The person who posted was wondering about the drone Crypto had in his possession, asking about its name, speculating on the model. The top comment on it claimed to have spent time behind the scenes on the Apex Games Production team and declared that the drone Crypto used had a lot of similarities to the ones they use to film the Games. 

The next comment didn’t exactly discredit the correlation, but they did say it was likely that the drone’s blueprint was leaked and got sold to another company, not Crypto having the clearance to use Apex equipment.

I doubt they’d let him have one of the official ones, with all the controversy surrounding them, the commenter said.

Elliott bit the inside of his cheek and narrowed his eyes in thought. It was a stretch, but it didn’t stop him from backing out of the forum and searching “apex filming drones”.

The first result wasn’t a link to the Apex Game’s website. It was another website with comment threads, its title “look what i found???”.

So, Elliott did.

i was doing some VERY LEGAL digging around, because i was wondering where the new guy came from and all that, but there’s literally NOTHING that isn’t hidden behind encrypted messes that would take like ten years to get through but when i tried, i got something on some dude named hyeon kim but when i went around looking for more i found this

??????

Below the post was a screenshot of an article from a news site called Outlands’ Journal. Elliott read it over, but the only thing he processed was “Disgraced computer technician, Tae Joon Park” and “Mystik, Joon’s former caretaker”.

And then, a little more down, was the comment, “Isn’t that the dude who’s wanted for murdering his sister or something?”

----=----

Despite popular belief, Elliott was a smart guy. In that moment, though, it really didn’t seem like a good thing.

----=----

The decision was one he made almost subconsciously: Elliott was not going to tell anyone what he’d found. 

How would anyone even believe it? Elliott was hardly sure he even believed it. Spoken out loud, it would seem like such a tin-foil-hat conspiracy, and it’s not like he could use the thread he’d found the information in to back the claim up. He’d checked it again when he woke the next day, wanting to make sure he hadn’t had some fever dream, but the entire thread had disappeared. Even the account it was posted from was wiped from the site. On a whim, he checked his history and went to the link directly, but that only got him an error page.

The code was something he remembered from Crypto’s buggy Legend profile.

Elliott had almost been late getting ready for the games, he sat there for so long and stared at it. Luckily, the turbulence that signified they were getting close to the closed off arena literally jolted him as a physical reminder. Elliott shook his head and stood, making his way over to the collapsible, garage-like door in order to pull it down.

Isn’t that the dude who’s wanted for murdering his sister?

He was almost regretful that he wanted to go looking for more information. What if Crypto was somehow able to track the searches that were relevant to the article? That could be how the thread was taken down so fast, how the account disappeared. Was that what he was doing all the time, bent over his computer? Working to hide what he’d done?

Why even join the Apex Games, a program that was widely broadcasted across planets? Wouldn’t he want to keep a low profile? How did he even get the clearance to sign up? The producers had run background check after background check when Elliott had been brought in for an interview. So his public intoxication got put under the microscope, but the murderer they let in for free?

And yet, that didn’t sound right, even when he thought it. Sure, yeah, they all technically participated in a blood sport - but the technically was heavily implied. No one actually ever died; sometimes bones were broken and people had to retire after a serious injury, but that was just about it. Everyone who signed up was capable of killing.

But capability of killing was different than cold blooded murder. At least in Elliott’s opinion.

He was just pulling on the last of his Holo Gear when the door rattled in its frame. “Pull y’self outta bed, we got a game to win!” 

“Door is closed for privacy,” Mirage berated.

Lifeline only cackled shortly before replying with, “I ain’t lookin’ at you, am I?”

Mirage pulled the door up so she could see his put-off pouting, which didn’t do much of anything besides getting her to laugh again. He followed her into the loading bay, passing Bloodhound and Wraith. They each gave him a respectful nod, always frighteningly eager to board their dropping platform. Still, Mirage responded with a courteous wink and two solid finger guns.

As the automated commentator announced the approaching drop zone, Mirage was suddenly very aware of the empty space beside him being taken up by another person. At first, neither of them said anything, but that was weird for him, so he had to say something, didn’t he?

“Fashionably late, as always,” he greeted, going for something half-joking, half-flirty. Honestly, he would proudly say he hit the mark, but Crypto didn’t say anything back. “Long night?”

Then, a too long second of silence fell between them as the dropping platforms began to hiss. Freezing air blasted, chilling his face, blowing his hair around, but it wasn’t the reason why his blood went cold in his veins. A voice went off in his head almost like an alarm. He knows, it said. He knows you found out. He knows.

“Always,” Mirage heard, just barely above the wind whipping between them. 

And it was stuff like that that made him felt immediately guilty for the fear he held just moments before. There was that haunted, pained tone that took hold of Crypto’s voice that Mirage always seemed to catch when he knew he wasn’t supposed to. Just like how he caught something like longing when Mirage had spoken of his mother. How Crypto’s empathy felt different than others when Mirage mentioned his brothers.

He didn’t talk often, sure, but Crypto couldn’t stop himself from expressing in some ways. Not around Mirage, not anymore.

Obviously, there was the possibility that Crypto had done something - that very specific something - but Mirage just couldn’t see it. He had that gut feeling, and following those types of feelings got him to where he was right then. Standing among Legends.

Legends, and Tae Joon Park.

----=----

It’s about a month of doing his best of forgetting what he’d uncovered when he realized a problem he’d overlooked. Elliott had already come to the conclusion that Tae Joon and Mystik were close, close enough to risk each other’s safety by maintaining their pen pal status. They kept in contact that way, so the fluke Elliott had gotten in his inbox was not the first letter that had ever been sent between them.

Which meant that Crypto was going to be expecting a letter from his former caretaker that Elliott didn’t know how to give him without starting a shit show.

Just another thing to add to the reasons he wasn’t getting sleep at night, because “doing his best to forget” was awfully hard. Tae Joon’s silences were just periods of dreadful anticipation to him now. Every time they were together and the tapping on Crypto’s keyboard would pause, Elliott would expect to look up to see Crypto already staring at him, glaring, asking him how long Elliott had known - 

But Tae Joon’s eyes would be on the monitor when Elliott would brave looking up, watching text wrap around the screen at all kinds of speeds. Sometimes it would freeze all at once, certain words blinking, and a corner of Tae Joon’s mouth would pull in an annoyed grimace - meaning he’d done something wrong, and the typing would start back up with a new kind of spiteful energy to it. Elliott would go back to what he was doing, wishing he could let out the breath he felt he’d been constantly holding, because sooner or later the typing would stop again.

Elliott was stressed out of his mind and it was starting to affect his performance on the field, but a horrible, evil little part of himself relished in knowing something others didn’t. That stupid, childish thrill of secret keeping. He wanted to hold it close to where no one else could see it, because he really, really wanted to. If not telling anyone meant protecting Tae Joon, then he wouldn’t tell a soul - even if that included Tae Joon himself.

But that was kind of backwards, wasn’t it? He was literally harboring a criminal, wasn’t he? Regardless of what Elliott’s stupid gut told him. Crypto was wanted for murder - but what was he supposed to do? Tell the authorities and get a potentially innocent man potentially killed? Or tell Tae Joon himself and be proven wrong, find out the very dead way that people Elliott found attractive really are out to get him. 

Knowing what he did and not doing anything about it was dangerous either way. Hence the trouble sleeping.

People were starting to notice, too. Tae Joon noticed - and it was stuff like that that was going to get Elliot into trouble. He found himself switching the names around in his head. Tae Joon Park and Crypto were now interchangeable; the only way he avoided not messing up out loud and inadvertently revealing himself and what he knew was just by... not talking. 

Which was hard to do. 

It was easier than trying to condition himself to stop using the name, though. Because Elliott liked knowing it. There was a certain level of intimacy to it; it felt different now whenever Crypto would corner him or when he’d let Elliott turn him away from his computer. It felt like he was holding someone more, in a way. Not a mystery, but a person. He was holding someone. He was holding Tae Joon, kissing Tae Joon in secret, making a mess of Tae Joon’s bed. It was so much, and in those moments the secret was something he almost couldn’t bear. He’d just barely hold himself back from breathing the name, he’d bite his tongue to stop it.

And then the guilt would flood into his head, because he was lying. It felt so wrong to know this when Tae Joon wasn’t the one to tell him. So, Elliott withdrew. He was polite in the games, communicated as much as necessary, still bantered with Lifeline. Slowly he weaned himself off of flirting with their other teammate and reverted back to the beginning of the season. Except, not quite, really. Even in the beginning Elliott couldn’t help himself when it came to Crypto, but back then it was petty arguments that he didn’t know he craved. Now, it wasn’t much of anything besides civility.

The worst part of it might have been that Tae Joon never asked why. He allowed the regression to happen nonchalantly, but that was on purpose. Every so often, Elliott would still get pushed against a wall, when no one else was around. Tae Joon wouldn’t ask why Elliott didn’t talk to him, didn’t visit him, didn’t invite him to his dorm anymore. He would just kiss him, hard, desperate. It was almost like it wasn’t surprising to him. Like maybe Tae Joon had been waiting for it to end the entire time.

Shame would tear Elliott up after he’d pull away without a word. It would tear him up even worse when the next time Elliott saw him, Tae Joon would act as if nothing happened. Business as usual.

----=----

It had to end in some way, so Elliott really shouldn’t have been shocked when it actually happened - or that it was his fault that it went down the way it did.

----=----

He never had liked fighting Wraith. Mirage had been on her squad a few seasons ago and they’d spent a lot of their time in the arena watching the other work. So Mirage knew her tricks, but worst of all, Wraith knew his. Besides his good looks, charm, and being a crack shot with the Wingman, tricks were just about all Mirage had. 

She had followed the sounds of his footsteps when he’d cloaked earlier in the gunfight to heal, weaving through the decoys he’d dropped without skipping a beat. It was a mess of bursts from SMGs, Wraith phasing away to duck behind cover. Another few bursts and MIrage would get sprayed down, only to disintegrate into lights and have him reappear around another corner. 

Mirage strained to hear over the firing outside for her footsteps, placing her somewhere downstairs. He continued up, for once being grateful for the Skyhook buildings and the buffer they provided with their multiple levels. It gave him time to repair the damage done to his shields as Wraith presumably did the same before she began her chase again. They were bound to run out of supplies and floors at some point, but all Mirage needed to do was buy time for his teammates to secure their kills so they could come and take her off his hands.

It was a good plan up until it stopped working. Thing was, Wraith was fast, and Mirage was learning that if you’re not in her squad as often as you used to be, you forget just how fast she could be.

He heard the cocking of a Peacekeeper after he was a few paces onto the roof, which is also when he remembered seeing a fucking zipline in the building on his way toward the stairs. He hadn’t thought about it, immediately stored it under the dumb idea section; zipping straight up to the top floor just for Wraith to light him up and have him fall straight back down like a ton of bricks? No thank you, he’d take the stairs.

“Fuck,” Mirage said quickly, just as a shotgun blast exploded in front of him. Most of the spread was dodged by running around one of the pallets stacked with construction materials, but it still cracked through what was left of his shields. 

He was dead, Mirage was absolutely dead. There was no way his Wingman was going to win against a Peacekeeper, not unless he hit every shot and Wraith missed all of hers - which she didn’t, she never missed.

A kick was placed neatly between his shoulders and Mirage flailed wildly, gripped at the metal framing of an empty wall and used the momentum to swing around - 

- directly into another shotgun blast, one of which he took right into the stomach. That sent him sprawling. He landed hard on his back and the air was knocked out of him, leaving him gasping for it as he skidded a few paces forward. 

Calmly, Wraith sauntered over to stand above him, reloading the few shots she’d used in her Peacekeeper. Mirage wanted to say something to maybe lessen the blow his pride and his body just took, but the only thing he could get out was a wet cough.

She grinned at him and knelt, shotgun going to one side so she could show Mirage the blade she held before pressing it to his throat. “Don’t worry,” she whispered, leaning in close. “I would have gotten you either way. Zigged or zagged.”

Mirage would’ve rolled his eyes had it not been for the kunai at his jugular, so all he did was swallow and wait for the push. But it never came. In the very next moment, Wraith was sent flying to the ground next to Mirage, her side smoking from a fresh Mastiff shot, the sudden sound of it nearly deafening him.

She pushed up unsteadily in an attempt to get to her feet, but Crypto beat her by grabbing at the scarf at her neck. “It seems like you zigged,” he started, mocking her previous low tone with his own smug lilt. Mirage watched as he raised his hand and his drone seemingly appeared in his grip while he finished with, “When you should have just quit and gone home.”

The drone came down against Wraith’s head hard, and in the time it took Mirage to blink, she was replaced with a golden case.

Crypto turned to face him, then, showing off the small smirk he’d been wearing. “Fashionably late,” he announced with a shrug.

Mirage couldn’t help the relieved grin that spread across his own face. “As always. Love that about you, kid.”

Crypto knelt at his side, taking the place Wraith had left behind, and fished around in the pack around his waist for the syringes he kept there. Once it was plunged into his chest, all of Elliott’s muscles seemed to twitch, but he felt his heart rate lower down to something manageable. He lost a lot of blood, though. He was going to have to huddle in a corner and lick his wounds for at least another five minutes before he’d be anywhere close to mobile.

“Thank you,” Mirage said in between a few deep breaths. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Match isn’t done yet,” Crypto chided lowly. He stood up straight and held out his hand for Mirage to take.

Which he did, but he only got halfway up before he hit the ground again. The cracking snap of a Kraber shot echoed in the empty air above the buildings and Mirage stared up at the blue sky, wondering why he wasn’t feeling any pain. Then, he heard the sound of himself hitting the floor for a third time and thought, that’s weird, I thought I already did that.

 After that, he thought, I lost a lot of blood.

Tae Joon, is the next thing that came to his mind in the form of a horrible realization, one that he ended up voicing out loud in fear, in panic. He sat up from the adrenaline that panic gave him, hysterically hoping that maybe that the other hadn’t heard him, but mostly to satisfy the need of having to see if Tae Joon was okay.

And he wasn’t, not really. He was on his back, too, propped up on one elbow, one hand clutching at his shoulder that was spilling red between his fingers. But worst of all, he was staring at Mirage like the pain was second to the shock.

Mirage didn’t like the look he was getting, and it was especially devastating that it was Tae Joon who was the one giving it to him. Underneath the cloud from the medicine coursing through his system, he knew he had to explain, had to make it so Tae Joon could understand that Mirage knowing his secret wasn’t a big deal, that’d he’d known for a long time and nothing bad had happened.

So, he began with “Tae - “ and then, for some reason, finished with, “Tae - tuh - tuh - uh - totally thought you were going to die from that.”

Finally, he thought, Nice save, and collapsed.

----=----

They didn’t win, but that was the least of their worries. Well, maybe not Lifeline’s, but that was beside the point.

Elliott left the medbay as soon as he could, which still took a good amount of time. The nurse had mentioned something about the side effects of the Revival Syringe along with blood loss and not using anymore meds to stabilize after he was injected. They spent extra time checking his vitals and Elliott didn’t have to be a doctor to tell them that those were going to be skewed.

His heart was still racing when he made his way back into the dorms. It was a little relieving to find that it was empty; after the games, everyone typically accumulated in the mess hall to celebrate the winners. But the at the same time, it was disappointing. He almost wanted to see Tae Joon standing around every corner Elliott rounded waiting to confront him, because getting this over with meant getting back to normal, and Elliott couldn’t wait for that.

So, he risked a glance over at the other’s dorm across the sitting area as if getting a look at it would help him decide on whether or not he should knock, initiate it himself. The door was pulled up, though, left open. Elliott blinked at it once before wandering closer.

The room had always seemed bare, but the emptiness was emphasized now. He noticed that the blanket that was supposed to be folded and draped across the back of the couch to show off the South Korean flag was missing. The box Tae Joon had shoved under there and filled with parts and drives was pulled out, tipped over and empty. Even more, the drone’s docking station was gone.

Elliott rushed over to the desk and tapped the first key he could reach. Only one of the monitors flashed on, glowing blue and asking to proceed with setup. 

“Oh, no,” Elliott muttered. He hurried back out to the seating area and looked up to the screens displaying that day’s match stats. Scrolling across the top was the ETA for the ship’s landing. Ten minutes. “Oh no, no, no you fucking don’t,” he continued to say, practically running to the hall for Boarding.

It Tae Joon got into the city before Elliott could catch him on the ship, it was likely that he’d never see the man again. He couldn’t let that happen.

But Boarding was empty, too, bar the few bots that managed the floor. Elliott practically skidded to a stop in front of one of them, startling the unit’s arms up and out.

“Hey, buddy, you wouldn’t have happened to see a guy, this tall - “ He holds up his hand, palm down, level with the top of his own head. “ - might have looked pissed off, which would be my fault, so I’m trying to find him. Have you seen him?”

The bot’s screen on it’s chest flashed red in the negative, then blue in an apologetic sad face.

Elliott grunted in disappointment. “Nah, don’t sweat it,” he assured the bot, even thought he was absolutely going to. 

He was biting his lip when he exited, nervous. The ship held at least sixty people on it at once. It was a decent size and if someone like Crypto was hiding on it, someone like Elliott wasn’t going to find him.

Elliott swore, once in frustration, twice in shock when he was thrown roughly against the hard, metal wall of an empty hallway. Someone held him there with a fist against his shoulder and the threat of a pistol pressing into his abdomen. He was blinded before he could gather his bearings by a sudden flash of green light, leaving him blinking rapidly to clear his vision.

“Where did you get a gun?” Elliott chose to ask, deliriously, for some reason. “They don’t let weapons on the ship - “

“Who are you?” Tae Joon questioned. The aggression in his voice was something Elliott hadn’t heard since the first few weeks, around the same time Tae Joon was just as likely to twist his arm as he was to snap at him.

“What? Babe, you know who I am - “

“Elliott Witt is too clean, everything on him was too easy to find - they wouldn’t send an Elliott Witt to hunt me down.” His expression was neutral, but there was so much going on in his eyes that Elliot couldn’t look away, even when the gun reminded him of its presence with little jabs. “So who are you?”

And maybe there were a few things Elliott should have been offended by. Like how he wasn’t prestigious enough to warrant a protected record, or Tae Joon’s implication that he wasn’t capable of something he had already done - mostly on accident.

But what he ended up asking was, “You think I made everything up? You think I lied about my entire life for, what? Getting into bed with you?”

Tae Joon didn’t seem taken aback by the hurt that was evident in Elliott’s voice, but it did leave enough room for one second of hesitation. “Then they got to you,” he whispered, somehow sounding equal parts flat and devastated.

Elliott shook his head in confusion. Who was they? “No one fucking got to me, I actually don’t know who or what you’re talking about,” he tried to explain.

“Then how?” Tae Joon asked - angry. Elliott was finally able to identify one of the things burning in Tae Joon’s glare. Anger, and maybe confusion as well. Fear. 

How did this happen, they both seemed to be thinking. How did I let it get to this?

“How did you find out?” Tae Joon snapped when Elliott spent too long watching him. “Who told you?”

“Mystik,” Elliott blurted, shocking the other enough to pull back just a little bit. “Kind of,” he went on in a hurry. “She sent you something, and I - I think the new software they implemented for security read my name enough times in it so it got forwarded to me - I don’t know exactly! I didn’t do it on purpose, it must be mald- malfuk - bugging out! So, I went to check, and I’d show you the forum post I found, but it’s gone already, I swear.”

Tae Joon took a step back, then another. “What did you find?”

Elliott let out a breath, wet his lips in a nervous tic. He shrugged. “Just - just an article.”

Disgraced computer technician - 

Wanted for murdering his sister - 

Tae Joon looked away suddenly and down the hall, like he was planning on running again. His frown was so intense a crease began to form between his brow.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” Elliott said firmly. “I promise. But - what happened?”

“I can’t tell you that,” Tae Joon told him quickly. “If you don’t know, I can’t tell you.”

“Okay,” Elliott replied, despite how much he wanted to push.

Tae Joon seemed to sense that, gave him a troubled look. “I didn’t do it.”

“I know,” Elliott told him. “I believe you.”

It it was so easy to say, but they both knew it was more than the words spoken out loud. The admission meant Tae Joon’s shoulders could drop from their high strung, protected hunch. It meant they could both breathe. It meant Elliott could push off from the wall, get close - slowly - and gently retrieve the gun Tae Joon held to find that the safety was on. Because if he didn’t have to, Tae Joon wasn’t going to hurt him. He‘d never wanted to hurt anyone.

He put his fingers on the cool metal lining Tae Joon’s jaw to get him to look at Elliott.

“I believe you,” Elliott repeated, and Tae Joon kissed him for it. He put an open hand on the back of Elliott’s head and threaded his fingers through the curls that were there, pulling him in roughly. Elliott made a surprised noise but recovered fast enough. He pushed an arm underneath Tae Joon’s open coat to wind it around man’s waist and pressed his front to the other’s, hoping that somehow he’d get Tae Joon to feel the honesty in his words through an embrace. Thinking that he could show off the part of Elliott that was dedicated purely to him by just holding him against his chest.

Anything to get Tae Joon to stop kissing him in that same, desperate way as before, like he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Elliott said when they broke apart. He didn’t let the other go, though, and rested his forehead against his. “So you can’t either.”

Tae Joon’s features darken in a very particular way. “Don’t say that.” When Elliott lifted his head a little to show him a confused expression, he goes on to explain. “They take everything.”

Who’s they? I’ll kick they’s ass.

“They can’t take Mirage,” he said, smiling. “According to you, he’s too hard to carry.”

Instead of laughing, or giving that smarmy little smirk, or even rolling his eyes, Tae Joon raised a brow and asked, “What about Elliott?”

“Elliott’s yours,” he told him without thinking. “No one’s taking that.”

Tae Joon Park moved back in to kiss Elliott again.

=====

thanks for the prompt :^)

[taurusjaehyun]

kiss me // j.jh

♦️Pairing: jaehyun x fem reader

♦️Other Members/ Characters: 97 line GC (Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu) + Jihyo of Twice (also a 97 liner)

♦️Genre: smut, fluff,, bf Jaehyun, uni au

♦️Warnings: rough sex, nipple play(?), slight cock warming, squirting, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, badly written smut lmao, mentions of RuPaul’s Drag Race bc I’ve been binging on it after Netflix put all the seasons on!!!

♦️Word count: 3,981

♦️Story: Finals are done and you finally have proper time with your boyfriend Jaehyun but he barely pays you any attention. He won’t even give you a kiss you because of a stupid mobile game.

Note: A request by anon for bf!Jaehyun. Also, yeaaah, this isn’t proof read, sorry for the shitty aftercare and the shitty writing in general lol. Tell me what you guys think, please! I’d love feedback so I can improve hehe <3

"Kiss me." You say as you push yourself up closer to your boyfriend’s face, who was currently focused on his phone as he laid next to you in your bed, playing whatever mobile phone game he was addicted to with the guys. It was kind of annoying, really.

 You purse your lips and make kissy sounds, making him chuckle. You roll your eyes at him but he doesn’t notice, because he was too focused on his phone. You couldn’t believe how he’d rather play with his phone and his friends rather than spending time with you, his girlfriend, despite it being a free Sunday for the both of you. Finals were fucking finally over for all of you after the two of you, along with your friends had spent every day studying (more like cramming) to try and ace your tests.

 It was safe to say the two of you hadn’t had sex in a while. Plus, this was your only time alone together after a while as your roommate, Jihyo was on a date with her boyfriend, Eunwoo. Jihyo was a bit anal about you bringing in Jaehyun to your dorm to have sex after she had caught you and Jaehyun fucking a few times (it was more than a few times, honestly). You couldn’t hold it against her because she never had sex with Eunwoo in your dorm. Ever. Or not that you know of.

 You pinch Jaehyun’s side, making him yelp but he barely spares you a glance. You pucker your lips again and make kissy faces at him, trying to annoy him more than anything at this point. Jaehyun tilts his head towards you, eyes still focused on the screen of his phone as he blindly pecks at your face, kissing your nose instead of your lips like you wanted to.

 Feeling annoyed, you grab the phone out of his hands and turn it off. You set his phone on your nightstand, straddle him and cup his cheeks, squishing and pinching it with your hands. His hands automatically make his way to your hips as he looks up with you with a less than pleased expression.

 “I was about to beat Mingyu and Jungkook, you know,” he grunts in annoyance, taking hold of your hands that started to pinch his cheeks painfully. He pulls your hands off his cheeks and intertwines his fingers with yours.

You laugh, “Baby, today’s our free day. You can kill them some other time!” You started to grind your hips against his, testing the waters. You really wanted to take advantage of the time alone you had with the love of your life and do anything and everything you’ve wanted to do for the past few weeks. Also, fucking the built up stress away wasn’t a bad idea.

 Jaehyun watches you, grinding and circling your hips, almost as if he was hypnotized. He bit his lip and gives you a pointed look, “I thought we weren’t allowed to have sex here anymore?”

 You lean back and shrug, “Jihyo isn’t here anyways. What does she know?”

 “Well Jungkook and Mingyu know how important my ranking is in that game to me. And they know I’m here with you.” Jaehyun chuckles, “they’re already probably going off in the group chat that we’re already fucking and you know Eunwoo’s in the chat too.”

 You stop grinding on him, and sighed before blowing a raspberry, “I honestly don’t give a shit. Jihyo knows I’m putting RuPaul’s Drag Race over everything, including you so I could just say I forced you to watch.”

 Jaehyun scoffs and looks at you as if he’s offended, “so you mean to say you finished the season we were watching WITHOUT ME?” He lets go of your hands and holds onto your thighs, squeezing.

 You explode in laughter, knowing well that Jaehyun took offense in it. You both were big fans of the show that you’d do marathons of it together, especially the most recent All Stars season. “Trinity-“

 He puts up a finger to your lips, “ok, spoiler queen. I don’t need to know. I’ll watch it for myself.”

 “No, I’ll tell you right now! Trinity and Monet-“

 Jaehyun puts his hands over his ears, closes his eyes and starts howling, and basically doing every annoying sounds he could produce, just to shut you up.

 You laugh, trying to pull his hands away from his ear, telling him about the finale. Each second he goes on with his act, the more you found it funny so you ended up bellowing in laughter, weak as you fall down on his chest, shoulders shaking.

 Jaehyun sighs as he wraps an arm around you, patting your head gently. “God, you’re annoying.”

 Still in fits of giggles, you sit up again and hover over him, staring at him. Jaehyun was probably one of the most beautiful men you’ve ever seen in your life and you thought you were blessed to have been given a chance to be one of the people he loved in this world. “You love me, though.”

 Jaehyun gives you a goofy smile, “that I do, sweetheart. So fucking much. You have no idea.”

 “Prove it!”

 “How?”

 "Kiss me."

 Jaehyun didn’t have to be told twice. His hands find its way on the back of your head, and he pulls you close while he lifts his head up to meet you halfway and locks his lips with yours.

 You chuckle and proceed to kiss him. Deep and hard, always. His tongue swipes on your lower lip and you grant him access and soon your tongues wrapped around each other. You didn't know how long you were kissing but all you knew was you were already feeling dizzy and breathless but you just wanted to taste him again and again.

 People might call you crazy but every time you saw him, he still gave you the butterflies he made you feel from the first time you saw him. That was how you knew you were already in love with him. You were so into in him that his mere touch sent shivers up your spine and when he makes love to you, you’re afraid you’ll burst into tears because of the overwhelming feelings he gives you.

 You pull away and pull off the large t-shirt that you used as pyjamas. Underneath it, you weren’t wearing anything because you knew you’d be fucking your boyfriend. You shoot him a smile as you cup your breasts for him, earning a whistle from him. You knew he loved your nipples and right now, they looked too appetizing to him, already so hard and begging to be sucked by him.

 He bites his lips at the sight of your naked and pliant body. He knew how conscious you were of your body but he loved how you trusted him too much that you were confident naked in front of him. He was thankful for that because for him it was a way to really say how much you trusted and loved him.

 You grab his hands and rest them over your breasts as you start to circle your hips on him again. He had an obsession with you boobs that he would find a way to suck your nipples most of the time, that when you would sleep over at his dorm (which was better because the athletic department had budget and gave them solo rooms) even before you sleep, he sucks your nipples. It was endearing.

 You were his and he was yours. As soon as he lets go of your nipples, you kiss his neck, making sure to rub you hard nipples against his chest as you pull up his shirt and help him fully take it off. He cups your face as you kiss and you rush to undo his jeans. You plant kisses down his neck, chest and stomach as you go lower, pulling down his jeans.

 His half hard cock pops out as you pull down his underwear and help him get both his jeans and underwear off around his ankles until the both of you were buck naked. You settle between his legs, kissing his thighs, just taking your time but your hands find his cock, the tip leaking with clear liquid.

 You spit on your hands, easing the friction and starting to jerk him off. You use the pad of your thumb to rub the slit of his cock, watching how his cock twitches and gets harder at the action. His dick continues to leak pre-cum, enough for you to spread it around the sensitive mushroom head of his shaft.

 “Fuck, baby. Stop playing and suck it if you’re going to,” he hisses, fisting the sheets beside him.

 “Ok, ok.” You laugh but you continue to play with his sensitive head. You gather your spit in your mouth and drop it slowly on the head of his dick, circling your tongue to the air so the spit goes around and covers the rest of his cock. “I’ll get your dick wet first, you big baby.”

 Jaehyun moans as you start to jack him off, your left teasing the head and the right jerking the rest of his cock. He watches you as you bite your lips in concentration as you jerk him off, using the tricks that are fool proof to make him feel good. Especially that jerk-jerk-twist-jerk movement that had his hips bucking.

 Without a word, you start to suck on his head, slurping on the salty precum, making him hiss in pleasure. You use your now free left hand to fondle on his balls as you keep jerking and sucking him off. When the moisture from your spit around the rest of his length dries, you slowly take him in your mouth, deep throating him.

 You keep your thumb in your fist, trying to keep your gagging down as you used your left hand to hold onto the base of his cock as you take him deeper inside your mouth until your nose was touching his belly, his trimmed pubes prickling you.

 Jaehyun was always amazed how you manage to take in his whole length but then again, you always managed to surprise him and managed to exceed his expectations which was one of the reasons for why he fell in love with you. Out of all the girls around him, you managed to catch his attention and he found himself unable to keep you out of his mind until the two of you got to work together since you were both in student government.

 You lift your head a little and bob your head, keeping his dick down your throat, knowing this would surely cover the whole of his cock with your spit. Jaehyun had always been a loud grunter and moaner so it was no doubt that the room was filled with Jaehyun’s sounds of pleasure and curses as you make him feel good with your mouth. Once you couldn’t hold your breath anymore, you pull away from his cock.

 You take the spit stringing your mouth to the head of his cock with your fingers and jerk him off. Jaehyun looks at you, mouth swollen, eyes lidded and tears forming at your ducts. You lean forward, rubbing the head of his cock against your nipples, making him groan at the sight. You take him in your mouth again, this time, just comfortably sucking him off, just taking in the length you could casually and jerk the rest of his shaft.

 He grabs a hold of your head, pushing your pony tail back and tucking the strands that came apart from the vigorous bobbing of your head on his cock. Jaehyun starts to thrust his hips up so you stop moving, your arms on either sides of his hips on the bed, letting him fuck your face at his own pace. When he thrusts to particularly deep, you end up gagging and you pull away, coughing.

 Jaehyun gasps in worry, immediately sitting up and cups your face. “Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to! I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

 You let out a giggle and peck his lips, “it’s ok, love.”

 "So now, it’s my turn to please my lady." He grins as he kisses you on the cheek before he maneuvers you to the head of the bed and pushes you down until he was hovering over you and in between your legs. He licks the tips of his fingers and rubs at your clit, making you twitch. He reaches down and slips two of his fingers inside you with no warning, making you gasp. “You’re this wet for me, sweetheart? Well shit.” He grins at you, teasing as his he finds a comfortable paces to fuck you with his fingers.

 You close your eyes, reveling in the sensation of his fingers stretching you and rubbing against your spot as you squeeze your breasts. God, he knew just how to make you feel so good, and you couldn’t wait for the main event: his cock but his fingers were doing more than good that you find yourself bucking against his hand as your orgasm comes over you fast, like it was unexpected that you didn’t realize you were cumming until it you started to scream and tremble.

 “That was fast,” Jaehyun teases, pulling his fingers out of you slowly, watching your pussy juice stringing as he separates his fingers. He takes the fingers from inside you and shoves it in his mouth and licks it clean. It as a shame you couldn’t see it as you were still basking in the after effects of your orgasm, eyes pinched close. “I didn’t even touch your clit!” He says, giving you a teasing look. “You must’ve waited for this long, huh?”

 You grin at him, but still trying to calm yourself down by taking deep breaths. “We haven’t had sex since Jihyo made us stop having sex here and finals was a bitch, Jae. I was stressed!” You close your eyes, clutching your chest dramatically.

 Jaehyun laughs at you and kneels in front of you, lifting your hips and pulling you to him. He lifts your hips and settles it on top of his legs. You feel him line his cock to your slit and pushes his head in.

 “Wait! I’m not ready yet!” You whimper, using your legs to push yourself off but his grip on your hips was strong and he had already pushed inside you, the whole of his length inside you. Your eyes roll back as his tip presses against your sweet spot but at the same time, the burn of the stretch makes you hiss in pain. He was never an easy size to begin with.

 “Relax, babe.” He says gently as he takes a hold of your waist but you see how he has his eyes closed and his mouth agape. “You’re fucking tight.”

 Still feeling the stretch, you lift your head and hit his hand on your waist, making him laugh. “You’re an asshole. I’m still sensitive.” You pouted.

 “I know, love. Your pussy’s still throbbing.” He gives you a sweet smile and grabs your legs to wrap them around him. He takes his time, keeping his cock inside you while he takes his time into admiring your serene face and running his hands on your skin. “You ok?” He intertwines your fingers and plants kisses on the back of your hand, watching you remain silent with your eyes closed.

 You eventually give him a sign but don’t answer him, instead, you smile at him as you squeeze your walls around his cock, making him wince. “Your cock is-AH!”

 He starts to move his hips, just grinding do every roll of his hips, his cock hitting your sweet spot. "Ah, shit. You're so fucking tight." He groans as he finally pulls his hips back and drove into me slowly, bottoming out and slamming back in, making you moan at the sweet pressure inside.

 You wrap your legs tighter around him as he moved his hips up, hitting your sweet spot at a different angle as he leans down and sucks at your nipples. Fucking Jaehyun wouldn’t be fucking him if he wasn’t sucking on your nipples while he was fucking into you. You keep his head close to you, as if you were holding a baby’s head sucking on its mother’s nipple. Honestly, with the amount of times he was sucking on your nipples, you wouldn’t be surprised if you started lactating out of the blue.

 He lifts your legs as he starts slow but deep thrusts and puts both of your legs over his shoulders as he leans down, basically folding you in half. He captures your lips while his hips pick up pace. He kisses the sensitive spots on your neck as he builds up a steady pattern of fucking you, making you eyes roll back in pleasure. He licks the skin from you ear to my neck, making you shiver and buck your hips, easily receiving his hard cock.

 He eventually goes into full force and you’re left to nothing but a moaning mess as he drives his hips to yours forcefully and in a pace beyond what you could handle. He was so deep inside you that you could the sweet pressure of his hard cock jabbing your cervix.

 You claw at his back and grabbing onto whatever you could, holding on for dear life as he drives into you relentlessly, with his hands lifting up your hips for easier access. "F-fu...fuck! Ah! Soooo goo-...ood! Ah!!"

 He pulls out and you groan at the loss of his cock inside you.

 "Jaehyun, no," You groan desperately as he smirks at me.

 "Patience, love." He smiles and lies on his back, making me straddle him.

 Needing no words, you straddle him and slip down his length, releasing a sigh of pleasure at the fullness you’re feeling. You lean down and kiss him and he settles his hands on your ass cheeks, massaging and slapping. You pull away, moving your hips slowly, forward and backward, taking him in deep inside. You lean your head back, moaning from the pleasure.

 He leans forward and sucks your left nipple and plays with your nipple with his hands, rolling the hard pebble with his fingers, pulling and squeezing. He groans in pleasure as you tighten your walls around him. He moves to your riģht nipple and sucks, and gives the same treatment as he did with your other nipple.

 Jaehyun then pushes you down towards him and holds you tight as he starts thrusting hard and fast from below you. You squeal at the intense, hard pleasure coming in, giving you no room to breathe.

 "JAEHYUN!!!!" You scream as you push your hips down to meet his thrusts and take him in any deeper, if it was possible. "FucK! AHH!!" You let myself go and my body becomes limbless at the excessive pleasure. You feel the drool escape your lips as you lean your face on the crook of his neck.

 Without effort, he maneuvers you off of him and throws you on the bed then kissing every exposed inch of my skin he could reach. Once he reaches down, he doesn’t hesitate and proceeds to eat you out like a fucking maniac, making you scream and shiver in so much pleasure. There were lots of things Jung Jaehyun did well and one of the top things besides academics, basketball, cooking and fucking, eating you out would be included. And it didn't help that he knew your body like the back of his hand.

 "Jaehyun! I'm cummimg!" You scream and before he could react, you were trembling, already in your second orgasm of the day. He never stopped sucking on your clit and started fingering you again, jus jabbing at your sweet spot while you were on the verge of your orgasm. You wanted to keep away but he had your hips on hold. Pretty soon, you felt it coming again and this time, you ended up squirting.

 He looked pretty proud of himself after you were left a shivering mess. “There we go, good girl!” He smiles, kissing the back of your hand. “I told you I’d make you squirt, right?” The last time you had sex, knowing it’d be while before you could again, the two of you had rented a room and tried every position you wanted to try out and tried finding out your limits. He had made you squirt then and you both were amazed after seeing it once so he had promised you that he would be making you do it again.

 “Jihyo’s gonna be so fucking mad when she gets home…” you trail off, still a bit high from your orgasm. “God, I’m dead. I need to find a new roommate.” You take a deep breathe, “also, I think… I’m gonna pass out.”

 Jaehyun laughed, “at least let me cum before you pass out!”

 “I fucking hate you right now.” You could feel the slight sheen of sweat on your body, besides from the body liquid you just expelled earlier.

 “Excuse me, Ms. Y/N? You were the one that wanted this, remember?”

 You wanted to pass out but you were sure Jaehyun wasn't over yet and besides, you always wanted Jaehyun’s cum inside you. It wasn't done until he came inside you. “Fuck me now, come on.” He immediately enters you and starts working his hips in a pace fast and hard.

 "Fuck! Slow down!" It was too good that you could feel fresh tears drip down your temple. "Wait!!! Jaehyun" You try to push him away to at least slow him down but he holds you tighter and drives into you harder, constantly pressing against your g-spot. It was honestly like his cock was made for your pussy as he’s always hitting the places inside you that made you see stars.

 "Ah, fuck! Your pussy so fucking tight for me!" He exclaims, followed with a plethora of curses as he does a steady pace of strong, deep, fast thrusts. He kisses you and holds tight on your breasts, squeezing them.

 "I'm cumming!" You scream as you quickly cum on his cock which triggers his orgasm as well, but he keeps his shallow thrusts until he's emptied his cum all inside of you, filling you a few weeks worth of cum, filling you to the brim that some spill out even though his cock acted as a plug.

 He stays inside you as the two of you kiss again, lazily this time, so you both could catch your breaths too. "I love you, y/n." He smiles at you, kissing your chin.

 You laugh at his sweetness as you focus on breathing to slow down your fast heartbeat. Was it because of his words or your exhaustion? Or both? But you did know the exhaustion was taking over you. You close your eyes, basking in the warmth of his body against yours. Your ears were blocked and you were still trembling but you weren’t complaining.

 Jaehyun knew you so he wasn’t expecting your reply and he already knows your answer anyways. Pretty soon, you quickly fall asleep, surprising him. But it was understandable because he made you spent so he cleaned up after you, wiping your body and your crotch with a warm towel and dressing you in panties and one of the shirts he’s left intentionally after he had cleaned himself up. It was the least he could do.

 From Jung Jaehyun | 10:30AM

To Cha Eunwoo

So, what are you willing to do for me not to tell y/n I caught you and Jihyo fucking after ur gf made us stop fucking in their dorm? Send me your most expensive skin, Cha and try to beat me!

[soundofseventeen]

The Great Escape (Joshua Hong)

My longest fic to date and it had to be the boy I can’t stand lmao and predebut at that. I own nothing! -Bee

Word count: ~7000

Based on: The Great Escape, his audition

Joshua smiled at your annoyed ranting, clearly finding humor in the day’s escapade that set you off all while enjoying the popcorn you managed to snag for him after your shift at the theater. While he couldn’t decipher if your groans were louder than the LA traffic, Joshua found amusement in the way you got everything out of your system. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re finding this funny. If I wanted to work with animals, I would’ve applied at the zoo.” You wrinkled your nose. “And please step a little bit away from me. No offense, but you smell.”

At that, your best friend shoved his hand into the bag, threw the kernels at you, and proceeded to rub his greasy uniform on yours, which elicited a smile and a squeal of protest from you. “Find me a better job than McDonald’s and then I can stop.”

“But that involves work.”

“Would you rather have me smell like deep-fried oil the rest of my life?”

“It’s better than picking up after people...don’t look at me like that; you’re supposed to feel sorry for me, not the other way around.” You held your hand out and he readily shrugged out of his backpack, digging through his homework and other school paraphernalia until he found his water bottle and tossed it to you, all while grumbling how you had no respect for him, so you squirted it at him and walked in front of him, which made him indirect you louder.

“What? Is there something you wanna tell me?!”

“No, nothing at all.”

“I don’t wanna go home yet. Can we go have dinner and then go? It’s the same routine day in and day out.”

Joshua smiled at you again, though the setting sun made it a little hard to see it. “And where does Your Highness wanna go? We are broke teenagers who can barely afford a meal even with these jobs.”

You grabbed his wrist, ready to cut through an alleyway in search of food. “Leave that to me.”

*

Joshua’s most annoying habit wasn’t that he chewed loudly or that he was rude to the waitstaff (but any of those would’ve been if he had them), but rather how he savored his food. It didn’t matter if he was on the brink of starvation or had somewhere else to be in 10 minutes, he enjoyed his meal and no one could rush him to finish it. He made small talk here and there but preferred to keep quiet, and from past experiences, you knew the frustration whenever he’d say he had something to tell you. 

You watched him delicately twirl the spaghetti around his fork and bringing it to his lips, blowing on the noodles before biting into it and then wiping the nonexistent marinara sauce that had been leftover, and repeating the process. Your fries were long gone and instead of starting on the chicken tenders in front of you, you were equal parts amused and exasperated at how slowly he was eating. 

“I’m gonna be celebrating my birthday here by the time you’re done,” you joked.

“Don’t worry about me; worry about your food. Who’s the one who gets mad if it’s not warm?” Ever so slowly, he reached for his soda, almost dropping it from the condensation on the cup, and sipped it, all while not breaking eye contact with you as if daring you to fire back a retort. Being at a loss for words, you scowled at him and choosing to eat while it was indeed warm.

The quiet of the evening soon became a bit too rowdy to your liking when screaming fans were seated left and right. The downside of living in LA was that there was always a concert somewhere and the controlled loudness became chaotic. Tonight, it seemed that One Direction played at the Forum because that’s where most of the conversations stemmed from, ranging from tired parents listening to their children replay the night to the young adults talking about their favorite part of the concert. The various ringtones pinged left and right and it felt like you were at the front row because “OH MY GOD THEY TWEETED!!!” and tears flowed while they tried not to choke from the water to soothe their hoarse throats. 

“Are you ready to go?” Joshua asked kindly. He was nowhere near finished, but for the sake of your sanity, preferring to eat on the way home.  He waved the waiter over, who simply apologized for any inconveniences (to which Joshua smiled and said that it was no problem), and brought the to go boxes. He bid you both a nice night and you chose to walk home, despite it being quite a ways away. He liked walking behind you for reasons unknown, especially when it came down to eating. “People are crazy, huh?” 

“I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I don’t get how people, girls especially, go nuts over boybands. You’d think they’d never heard music before.” You turned around, risking to walk backward for the sake of stealing some leftover spaghetti.

“I mean, it must be a different experience to be able to go on stage and sing. It’d be nice, don’t you think?”

“I think you’ve been holding out on me with this spaghetti.” You reached for more but Joshua surprised you by closing it on you. “Asshole.” He grabbed your shirt sleeve and yanked you to the side so you wouldn’t walk into a pole. “I take that back.” You turned around again, back facing him. “So a celebrity life, huh? I never pictured you as the type to want something like that.” Granted, he usually brought his guitar outside to the front yard when it was you two hanging out and he sang sometimes. It wasn’t all that great per se, but he had that potential that he could be. 

“I think it’s just something bigger than this everyday life. You know you’re changing lives and vice versa.” He stared past you as if envisioning the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. 

You smiled at him, not wanting to break his reverie. You weren’t one to crush dreams, let alone his and you weren’t about to start now. Instead, you took his plate and stuffed your face with his dinner, making a silent promise to make it up to him. Anytime you spent with him was always your favorite, even if you were irritated after a long day.

*

Weekends normally meant catching up on everything you neglected throughout the week, be it a book you had started reading, a paper that needed writing or even just running an errand as a favor to one of your parents. One of the downsides of living in LA, however, were the tourists who had no idea what they were getting themselves into by deciding to visit the area (thus getting lost, overwhelmed or both) and the locals who complained about them. You weren’t fond of either but what could you do besides sucking it up? Even with that hold up, you managed to finish earlier than planned and rather than heading home, you decided to visit the Hong household. 

One of your favorite things about visiting was seeing Joshua’s grandpa planting something right in plain view and seeing his grandmother watching reruns of Korean movies or shows from her younger days inside. They usually spent their days looking after the house while Joshua’s parents worked and well, no one had anything to say about it (but even if there were, any objections would be handled with a smack to the arm with a dishrag.) You were no exception to the rule or any in general, given with all the time you spent with Joshua. That meant you also learned a lot of things from Korean to its table etiquette but you still struggled with the former.

Joshua wasn’t home when you got there, and neither were his grandparents so it was just you and his parents making small talk and catching each other up on your lives, Joshua’s mom yelling out her inputs from the kitchen fixing a broken sink while his dad’s comments faded into an echo because he was putting the sheets back on his bed and you leaning against the counter, sipping your soda, telling them about the latest treasure you found in your closet: an Eeyore stuffed animal that hadn’t seen the light of day in years as a gift from Joshua after spending your second Christmas together (he liked to tease you that you had similar personalities.), a binder that contained two spelling tests and a worksheet on improper fractions that had sealed your fates from acquaintances to actual friends, and notes that had managed to not get confiscated in middle school.

A while later, the three missing people walked in just as you finished helping Joshua’s mom put some dishes away, Grandpa holding most, if not all, of the bags, Joshua walking behind him with his grandma, arms looped and walking at her pace. “And that is why we go out to the market every Saturday,” she raved to her grandson who listened earnestly. “Sure everything is a little bit more pricey, but it’s as close to the real Korean food as you can get. It reminds me of my days as a little girl.”

“The fact that you remember your time alive during the Great Depression astounds me,” his grandpa joked, which earned him a slap to the shoulder. “I’m kidding. But she’s right. Don’t forget your roots Jisoo. Nothing is greater than home.” He smiled at you when he noticed you in the room. “And you? How are you?”

“Yah!” His grandma cut in, arms wide open, “Are you too good for this family now that you have a job? You don’t even stop by and say hello anymore. How do you know that we didn’t get sick or something?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“After coming by for so many years and you think we won’t miss you. As your punishment, you’re helping me make Bulgogi. Now don't just stand there, wash your hands and let’s get started.”

“Actually Grandma, why don’t you go take a rest? You’ve been up all morning. I can help Y/N with that.”

She looked at him and then she looked at you, making you feel more like a murder suspect than a helping hand. “You better come to me when you finish making the sauce. If it isn’t good, you will start again.”

“Yes halmeoni,” you saluted her, simultaneously flashing her a smile and getting straight to work. You chopped the vegetables while Joshua prepped the sauce, exchanging the morning stories of your time apart. 

His escapades involved throwing a lone french fry at a seagull and following him around and almost attacking him when it saw he didn’t have anymore and seeing someone getting arrested for graffitiing gang signs on a wall. He snorted when you told him you almost got run over by a family bike riding on your way to the post office and choked on the barbecue sauce he was tasting when you remembered about the poor soul strung out on some kinda drug and fighting a bush, rambling nonsense about the government. 

“Here, try this beh peuh,” he said, holding out his stirring spoon and dabbing a bit of sauce on your hand. “What do you think?”

You made a face at his concoction, searching for your soda. “I think you put too much of the sesame seeds and not enough salt. Wow, that’s gross.”

“You obviously have no taste. It tastes perfect.”

“No, you just don’t know how to make this.” You pushed him out of the way, filling the blender with the missing spices and throwing some of the barbecue in. “And you call yourself a master chef.”

“I learned from my grandma.”

“I learned from your grandma too and it doesn’t taste anything like this. Fill it up to here with water and mix it until you can’t see any of the garlic. Then mix it back in.”

“No,” he crossed his arms. “It’s fine like this.”

 “Joshua Hong, if we serve this sad lunch, you will be disowned from your own family and so will I because I let you do it. Trust me this time.”

“Grandma!” He called out to the head chef of the family. “You’re our mediator. Is this good? I think so but Y/N says I’ll no longer be associated with the family. Try it.” He walked over to where she sat on her favorite recliner, a Korean game show playing on the TV and fed it to her.

“Dear boy, I wouldn’t feed this to the dogs out on the street. Try again.” A few minutes he brought her a modified version of everything you added to it. “It tastes the same,” she shook her head. “It’s not hard to make this, children. If I have to get up and make it myself, you’ll be sorry.”

“What does she know?” Joshua mumbled to you. “She lost her sense of taste years ago.” 

You held back a laugh, grabbing his shoulder to keep your composure, completely missing the look the lady in question she threw in your direction before she called her husband. It was another memory for the books, especially when he finally admitted defeat and said you knew better. As punishment, you made him wash the dishes you used and smiled when you heard him finally turn on the radio and sing along to every hit song he knew, sounding off key here and there but pleasant nonetheless.

*

In the next couple of weeks, you saw neither head nor tail of your best friend, other than his occasional social media post which was fine by you. It was the time of year where his church held fundraisers and carnivals and anything that required massive amounts of people. Some he did willingly; others because he couldn’t say no. He stopped inviting you with him long ago when you started picking up excuses from working a couple extra hours to helping some long lost relative who was recovering from surgery, but he had his grandmother and he even gloated that she made better company than you did so it wasn’t a complete loss, his performances being the only exception.

And if you didn’t ask for more hours and go straight to bed after work, you would’ve marched up his front steps, barged through his front door, and confronted him about this calamity because how dare he ignore his best friend?! (But you started wondering where everyone was when you had knocked on the door and no one answered. The weeds growing in the garden and the pile of mail in their mailbox also raised your questions and anxiety. And you didn’t wanna think the worst when you found the spare key in your room and went back, only to find a clean and obviously vacant home.)

You made mental notes to tell him about the newest movies you thought he’d like and also saved some money to treat him to dinner since you had long ago picked up that he wasn’t in the greatest of moods after being gone after so many days. 

After 23 days since his last interaction, he skidded back into your life three minutes after you clocked out, having hung up on a friend had canceled some plans last minute. “Hi?” You took in the sight of his Winnie the Pooh PJs, disheveled hair and the throw blanket in his hand, all the questions rushing through your head. 

“I need to tell you something,” he said without preamble. “Can we go have dinner or something? I just got off the plane and came straight here, My treat.” He smiled at you hopefully. 

About an hour later, you stared at him as he slowly cut off a piece of his steak, while you impatiently bounced your leg for his news. You didn’t even know what you ordered but you ate it anyway, stabbing your fork into it and shoveling it in your mouth. “What have you been up to?” He asked, trying to make conversation. A quiet night in a Los Angeles restaurant was uncommon and he seemed to wanna fill the silence. He smiled at himself when he saw your jaw drop and fighting to not give him a well deserved sarcastic remark.

“Same old, same old. Wreck-It Ralph came out the other day and I was thinking we could watch it soon. I begged my coworkers to not let me go into the theaters where it showed because I don’t wanna see the credits. The scary movies look dumb so I won’t bother with those.” You burned your tongue on the fork having kept it in the hot food for a little too long so you pushed your plate away, resorting to tapping your fingers on the table. If Joshua noticed, he didn’t comment. 

“Is it sad?” He knew he was drawing out the suspense more than he had to but he was looking for the words, how to phrase it, and steeling himself for your reactions.

“A lot of people left crying,” you responded, thinking of all the strangers who you saw drying their eyes or blowing their noses. You decided if you kept talking, he would share his news with you sooner, so you went ahead and told him about the petty thefts around town, upcoming concerts you wanted to go to, rumors that you heard and celebrities that you had confirmed were in the area. He listened as he ate, not really making comments. He nodded here and there to show you he was paying attention, but he himself remained mum on what he wanted to talk to you about.

“Are you ready to go or do you have room for dessert?” He eyed your plate of food, surprised that you ate more than he expected, given he put you more on edge the longer he prolonged everything.

“Joshua,” you groaned, “just cut to the chase. I can’t take it anymore. Tell me!” You stopped momentarily. “You’re not going to prison, are you? No, wait...you got someone pregnant.” You snapped your fingers. “You ran away and they found you somewhere in Mexico City, where you joined a banda, and you were playing at a quinceanera.”

“You need to stop watching so much TV.” He let out a small laugh. “So dessert?”

“If I say yes, will you tell me already?”

“It’s your choice.”

“Joshua!”

“I’m serious. If you wanna stay and eat more, we can. Or if you wanna go anywhere else, we can and I’ll tell you either way. It’s just...I don’t know how you might take it, so I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“Is it that bad?” you asked after a moment of silence. The worst thoughts raced through your head. He looked good, a little tired maybe, but he seemed healthy and in good spirits.

“No, but...it could change our lives and I’d like your opinion on what I should do.”

*

You ended up in a park with kids practicing for an upcoming softball game, so you had to walk a good distance to not get distracted at the noise. You sat on some swings, barely rocking from the movements, letting your feet drag on the wood chips as you watched the joggers pass, counting three people with the same pink sweater and seven walking their dogs. Joshua had yet to say a word and at this point, you were afraid to ask him anything. Instead, you enjoyed his company, feeling grateful that despite whatever he had to say, he still managed to elicit a calming presence. 

“So, I went to a thing with my church in San Diego,” he finally began, staring out at whatever beyond he was picturing in his head. “And from there we hit most of Southern California until we had one final thing to do here. And after one of my performances, a scout from South Korea came up to me. He said I had what to takes to make it big over there. At first, I wasn’t interested because it seemed too good to be true. But then he offered us some plane tickets to go visit the studio and see for ourselves and, you know.”

You nodded, finally understanding and easing the pent up anxiety. “That’s where you guys were all this time. I thought you up and left town or something.”

“We did and got to see a lot of- they’re called trainees working to debut and they seemed nice. One of them gave me their number so we could stay in touch. His name was Jeonghan. I also got to meet one of their singers who goes by Bumzu and he does a lot of other neat things too. And a boy group called Nu’est who debuted earlier this year. They sound really good. We can check them out on YouTube later if you want.”

“So when do you leave?” You could already feel the food turning in your stomach, ignoring the last part of his suggestion. It’s not that you didn’t want him to pursue his dream, but you couldn’t imagine him not being by your side and vice versa to see each other completing your milestones...together. That’s what your friendship consisted of: being together. 

“Oh, um about that. I told them I’d think about it. It seems like there’s a catch to it. I’m not 100% sold.” He dug into his pajama pants and pulled out a business card from his wallet and handed you a business card with information from a Pledis Entertainment. You frowned at the Hangul, concentrating on translating it while he continued speaking. “They gave me this in case I changed my mind but I should do it soon because they have a deadline coming up.” He paused his swinging. “What do you think I should do?”

“I...I don’t think this is a decision I can make for you.” 

“But you’re a big enough influence that’d help me decide.” He resumed kicking his feet. “If you want me to go and see the hype of an idol life, tell me and I’ll go. If you don’t want me to go and make a fool of myself because I flew out for nothing, tell me and I’ll stay.” 

“From what you’re telling me,” you said slowly, picking your words carefully, “I don’t know if you should. I mean I could be wrong, but what if something goes wrong over there and you’re by yourself? Or if all the hard work you’re gonna put in doesn’t pay off? You, of all people, deserve to have your dreams come true and to see you come back because it doesn’t work out? I don’t know if I could bear to see your face looking so sad. But in the end, it’s your choice.” It felt wrong to tell him those words, but you couldn’t lie to him, but you couldn’t tell him how selfish you could be.

The foundation of your friendship might not have been cemented with the glorious days of playing in the sandbox; rather it was due to him seeing you struggle with your spelling words during the weekly test and him sliding his paper to the side so you could see the words and then retaking it after school in separate classrooms because you’d gotten caught. And when you mixed that with spending lunch recess with your teacher to help him with converting fractions to decimals and percentages, it seemed like a recipe for a lifetime of memories, especially when you added the permission on both sides of the parental figures to go to each other’s houses. It seemed like there was nothing you couldn’t conquer as you got older.

“Don’t worry,” he smiled at you, “I didn’t put too much thought into it either. It’s a long shot and they were asking for too much anyways.” 

“They were gonna charge you just to audition?” What kinda high class-

“No, they asked for my diploma.”

“You fucking idiot.”

*

No matter how hard you tried not to see, you always managed to catch Joshua staring at the business card on the fridge and it ate you up with guilt even though it was his decision too. You caught the lingering looks and how he’d shake his head as if shaking away an image and facing you with a smile. And when his Korean friend Jeonghan began Skyping him to show him how everything was going, you always swore you’d see a flicker of regret cross his features as Joshua laughed along and reassured him that life was great here and even showed him the things he managed to find at the Korean markets that apparently he couldn’t find anywhere else. He started looking into colleges and another part-time job to pass the time and all you could do was simmer in the turmoil because he chose not to speak of it. “It’s for the best, Y/N,” was all he’d say.

The days passed, with the deadline rapidly approaching and his mood dropped subtly, often tuning you out and playing his music or movie to drown the silence and his misery. His family didn’t seem too concerned at his choice but let him ride it out because he’d get over it soon. 

He finally asked you to come to an evening mass with his family because he’d be giving a small performance and because you knew he needed all the support, you agreed, saying you’d be at the front door waiting for them, for him. So, in the most presentable (and uncomfortable) clothes you owned, you sat first-row front and center with his grandma and several people you didn’t know waiting for the priest to finish his sermon and let your best friend do his thing, which he did.

One of your favorite things about seeing Joshua play the guitar? Seeing the way his eyes literally sparkled every time someone saw him play. You’d seen it multiple times even when he practiced with just you in the room and it never failed to take your breath away. The way his fingers moved effortlessly through the chords and the way he focused solely on the words coming from his mouth. You weren’t immune to those charms, what with the way your hands would get clammy and your heart would pound and you just looked at him in awe because he normally didn’t have that effect on you. 

You looked around the pews, seeing his audience with similar reactions. A lot of them held out their phones, recording and singing along; others for some reason dabbed their eyes because apparently, an angel had blessed them that day. You saw his parents looking proud at their son and trying to hide their smiles as those around them sang their praise at Joshua’s talent. 

As for you? You knew what you had to do and the thought had you wiping your eyes frantically to avoid breaking down. You flashed him a thumbs-up as he finished and he nodded his thanks. He normally stayed behind his parents after mass but he figured you needed to get dressed into something that didn’t make you wanna claw out of your skin, so after taking you home to change and after grabbing a quick dinner from McDonald’s and enjoying it as the last rays of the day came to a close and the night making it feel later than it should’ve.

“When did you get so good?” You asked him. “Last time I heard you, your voice cracked. A lot.”

“Practice,” he shrugged modestly. “I couldn’t have done that without YouTube and their tutorials. And you? When did you decide to come to church without an excuse?”

“When you said you wanted me to come.” You took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking.” “About?” He asked his mouthful of food, something really unlike him. The small thing must’ve boosted his spirits and it showed. “It must be really scary if you’re telling me. Let me guess. You’re gonna storm the Bastille next time you get a day off? Or are you finally gonna head off to a college far from here? I guess LA isn’t too crazy for you after all.”

“Joshua, I want you to audition.” Before he could say anything else, you continued, wanting to get everything out before you took everything back. “I want you to go for this because it’s your dream. You don’t belong in just one place, you belong everywhere. I shouldn’t have told you not to do it. Seeing you tonight, I know that now. I’m not scared of you coming back because you failed. I’m scared of seeing you turning down this opportunity and you not seeing what you can do. I don’t want your biggest regret to be staying here. If anything, your biggest regret should be meeting me.”

He missed your attempt of a joke, staying quiet for a moment, letting your words sink in before he gave you the biggest smile you didn’t realize you missed until you saw it. A few minutes later, you found yourselves in his room, him introducing himself to the camera and you behind it, capturing his every moment. The ache in your heart seemed different as you heard him sing, feeling ashamed for wanting to keep him from this and feeling proud for putting your pride to the side and letting him have this.

You knew that no one in your life deserved a fighting chance more than Hong Jisoo, and whatever the outcome, you couldn’t have been more proud of him because he gave it his all. When his parents returned home for the night, you kept your composure long enough to say your goodbyes and went home a crying mess because you already missed him.

*

The main menu on the TV replayed the anime’s theme song and you swore you’d be hearing t in your sleep tonight. Joshua swore he was only a few pages away from finishing the manga of the same way and then you could start the series. For the last week, he had tried to be productive balancing work and home, with just getting by in school. But apparently, his inner nerd and his friend Jeonghan didn’t let him focus on anything other than the book currently occupying his hands. You remembered not so long ago how you threw a pillow at him because you had long ago finished it and were about to start it but he begged you to wait for him to read it so you could watch it together and why you agreed was beyond you. You finished the last of your water, looking up at the ceiling in hopes to make the time go by faster but all you could hear was Joshua’s gasps of surprise and the pages turning. It felt like years when he finally finished and his punishment, you threw the empty water bottle at him and told him to press play because if you didn’t watch it soon, you’d explode and you had to be at work soon and you wouldn’t be able to handle the anticipation of not starting now.

You got up to grab some chips in the kitchen, seeing as though your best friend wasn’t pressing play anytime soon. “You want anything?” Silence. “Joshua!” Nothing. “Then starve.” But you grabbed a bag just for him because you knew he’d want some. He was still engrossed at whatever he was seeing on his phone, the only difference was the shit-eating grin on his face. “Why so happy?”

“I got my diploma.” 

“Okay and?” 

“You asked,” he shrugged. “But since you wanna know, I can get ahead on any credits I choose so I can get into a good college and I can graduate early. But also I don’t have to wake up early anymore.”

“When did you get so smart?” You tossed the bag of Doritos at him, hitting him in the face and doing your victory pose. “Now press play. If I have to wait longer to watch this I’m gonna die. Jisoo Joshua Hong, are you even listening to me anymore?” You sat down next to him to see what rendered him speechless.

Instead of answering you, he showed you an email from none other than Pledis, the smile on his face not faltering. “I-they accepted me. Y/N, I have a shot! Oh my god, this is amazing! I have to call Jeonghan! We’re gonna train together! It’ll be so good to have someone I know there. He’s gonna be so happy when he hears-hey, are you okay?”

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. You could feel the prickling in your eyes but whether they’d be tears of sadness or happiness remained unclear. On the one hand, he could live his dream, make millions of people happy even if for just a moment, like he deserved. You knew the effect he had on people and others needed to experience that if they ever got to know how annoying and he could be. On the other, you couldn’t be by his side like you’ve always planned to. You’d have to support him from afar. You wouldn’t be able to see him every day anymore. You’d probably fade away to strangers who’d only get in contact with each other if he ever came home since you knew you couldn’t afford plane tickets to South Korea and what if you weren’t in the same area if you were in the same state? That alone caused you to cry, hating yourself for being upset at the news. 

“Beh peuh, you forget how much I know you. Do you not want me to go?”

“I do, but what about us and this friendship? What if you forget everything here once you’re this big celebrity idol? You’ve been my best friend for so long and it's too late to find someone to replace you.” You tried to find humor in the situation but failing to do so. You didn’t want anyone who wasn’t him. You knew no one else would tolerate your impulsive dining out or walking all through LA no matter the distance or even being at home with no concrete plans for the day. “I’m sorry, I should go. I have to get ready to go to work.” You stood up, and all but ran to the door, the anime long forgotten and not bothering to listen to your best friend calling out your name.

*

Staying out past midnight to close up wasn’t exactly something you prided yourself on. If anything, you were out the door by or before dusk set it but you needed a distraction, anything to forget the nagging of your day’s problem. It surprised you nonetheless when you saw Joshua waiting for you patiently as if it was another day. He smiled at you, not saying a word, instead waiting for you to say something. You wished you could’ve avoided him so you could gather your thoughts and think rationally rather than emotionally. 

You walked aimlessly for a while, no one saying anything until the silence became unbearable. “I’m sorry,” you finally told him. “I want you to know how happy I am for you. Really I am, and I’m sorry if it looks like I’m trying to keep you from that. It’s just that when I see you, I think how we’re not gonna be together anymore doing things. Like I won’t complain to you about who pissed me off or you won’t tell me about that lady from church who always makes you laugh. I wanna be there the days you sell out arenas and buying tickets to see you perform, not just hear about it. It won’t be the same anymore.” You cursed yourself for already wanting to cry again. 

“I get you. You’re a major part of my life too. But Y/N, it’s not set in stone if I’ll even get to do this. Maybe I’ll be there halfway through and they’ll decide I don’t fit a mold they have and I need to come home. Or maybe I’ll decide that this isn’t what I thought I wanted. You’ve always asked me to trust you, so now I’m asking you to. Can you do that for me? Good,” he said when you nodded. “Now there’s something I wanna ask you.”

“Oh my god, is this the part where you tell me you’ve been in love with me for as long as you can remember?” Your eyes widened in horror. 

His actions mirrored yours. “Please stop reading every friends to lovers book you come across. You will ruin other friendships like that. Now listen. You can breathe, oh for the love of- Y/N, I’m leaving in two weeks and I need to know if you wanna come with me.”

You pointed to yourself when the words sank in and you were able to get your brain working again. “Me? You want me, an inexperienced idiot to fly off with you to an unknown country while you’re there. Why?”

“Truthfully, I want you there too. My friend Jeonghan said it happened with his friend Aron from Nu’est, only he went as the supportive friend, but I know you’re not interested in stealing my spotlight. They provided the extra ticket even though I said we could pay for it...but only if you wanted to.”

“How long am I supposed to stay?”

“As long as you want to ride it out with me. What do you say beh peuh? Are you- no. Can you take this chance with me?”

*

You exed down the last full day, the butterflies in your stomach ever-present as ever. Joshua looked at you with the eagerness in his face since he found out about the audition. His room, once a place of endless homework hours and weekend movie marathons was now mostly baron, except with clean sheets on his bed. His closet was now empty of everything he owned, having gotten a head start with shipping to the new country. It was nothing but a place of memories, both good and bad, but nothing you would ever change about it. At this time tomorrow, he’d be an official Pledis trainee, and with that thought, often came a swelling in your heart that made it hard to pass your throat. The last thing he needed to do today was return his McDonald’s uniform and pick up the payday, all of which you accompanied him. 

Considering it was the last day, you did many things from shopping for groceries for your homes and enjoying the last few moments. You even went to his church to watch get his blessing from the priest who bade him a safe trip and a prosperous future. He spent some time with his old friends that weren’t you, but not really saying why he was leaving for the homeland his grandparents loved so much. You cried throughout the day every time you realized you wouldn’t do this again anymore, but it was another memory for the books. Joshua spent the few hours at home, eating dinner with his family and triple-checking he had everything ready for the long flight ahead. You often loved countdowns but there was something bittersweet about this one, especially because of all the goodbyes involved. 

It was a little after midnight when you met him in his front yard, breathing heavily as you made your way to the main streets of Los Angeles, ready to change the last of your lives. One last night causing mayhem to remember the way it felt when Joshua’s mischievous side came out. 

You watched him climb on a shopping cart and begged you to push him across the parking lot, which you did because no one knew who you guys were, except teenagers having fun until the security chased you out and starting your next misadventure. You made peace with your pasts in an empty ice cream parlor, shoveling spoonfuls of ice cream like shots for every question you didn’t have an answer to and spilling secrets you didn’t know the other had. 

You passed tons of nightclubs afterward, laughing for no reason other than because they all played the same songs and because the smell of weed flooded everywhere. You walked on the walk of fame, waving at random cars passing by because for all you knew it could be their last day here too, and pointing at the museums you wished you would’ve gone to more times despite the prices. You enjoyed the quiet moments with Joshua too every time you sat on a bench to get some rest. 

You didn’t plan on staying out the whole night but somehow you did and when you went back to his house, the first few rays of the morning sun were starting to show. His family was already waiting for him, luggage in tow and ready to go. The drive to LAX felt like it went too fast despite the never-ending traffic and soon you were there, watching him say his last goodbyes to his parents for the time being, and then it was your turn to do the same. 

 He looked over at you, putting his arm around you and hugging you close. You could see how tired he was from the night out but he also never looked happier. 

“Are you ready to go?” You asked him.

“With you by my side? Let’s do this.” As you walked through immigration, a million thoughts swirled in your head, but one thing remained certain: with having Joshua at your side, you’d never feel more free or alive than now at this moment. Two best friends ready to see how much more your lives would change with The Great Escape.

[llzehs]

Shield Reunion and the Dean Situation

The Shield has always been beyond what WWE want it to be, at least in its last couple of runs. Its three men with mutual respect for each other as the work horses of the company they took over as theirs getting the chance to work together as one. Share the ring and a bond with the group that define their career and story. Shield shared a story that pierced through the characters they played and affected the men behind those characters.

Roman, Dean and Seth all were visibly shaken up when Roman made his announcement. That moment they shared with their Shield pose was haunted by a dark cloud. All three men didn’t know if they would ever get a chance to be together again as the Shield. A lot of stuff happened since then. All the hell broke loose for Dean with Roman being gone. He’s not a guy who’ll take shit that’s against everything he stands for. I genuinely believe lot of his frustrations came from the Roman situation and how WWE forced him to use something that was hurting him emotionally a lot for storyline purpose. And in the end it all served no purpose whatsoever and his heel turn fell flat. He was back to square one.

I honestly believe this ‘one last time’ reunion is more personal than anything else. Like I can go into deep details and analyze stuff but at the end of the day, the vibe I got off of it all was that these three men behind these three characters getting to have one final run as a unit that defined them all the best during the course of their careers cuz they might never get a chance to do this ever again.

Roman has been through an experience that has made him grateful for little things in the world. I know he would love to have his best friend stick around, be his road partner, but Roman’s also a very considerate guy. He would want what’s best for Dean. I’m getting a feeling that if Dean really leaves in the end - which I’m strongly feeling at this point - maybe he’s got some personal reasons rather than something business related. He’s happy ever since Roman returned. You can easily see it in his face and the way he’s performing. I don’t doubt that Roman is on the quest to get his contract situation sorted out, but at the same time last night’s events made me feel like Roman has made peace with whatever Dean decides. He’s gonna enjoy his boy as long as he has with him in WWE.

According to recent reports Dean hasn’t signed a new contract yet, and he’s not been given the creative control he wants but everything else has been offered. So nothing has changed basically. Maybe Roman wants to give Dean a good send off, hence the way they reunited. I also feel like when they are together as a unit, most of their stuff comes straight from them. So yeah, the emotional moments, the dramatic turns, I give all credit to the boys. Roman is influential backstage nowadays and after what he went through and still came back to WWE, I’m sure they wanna give him whatever he wants cuz they owe it to him. And WWE can be nice when it wants, with the people it wants.

So the point I’m trying to make here is, this reunion really is not based on storylines and long sorted out plots. Its not that deep and that’s how I feel. This reunion is for a possibly departing Dean, and sending him out on a high note alongside his best friend who loves him a lot. Roman and Dean deserve to spent these last few months together in case Dean’s leaving cuz they both have been through a lot in last few months and maybe that’s the one good thing WWE can offer Roman cuz they certainly can’t give Dean what he wants.

I also see some people complaining bout Dean not paying for what he did and Roman wanting him back like nothing happened...Lmao, its sad how many people claim to be fan of these boys but have no understanding of their characters whatsoever. Its like they don’t hear what Dean says, don’t watch the way he acts. Seth and Dean both have characters with ton of layers, there’s no black and white with them. Roman’s always been the guy who’s all heart and love. He’s the only saint out of the three. And at the end of the day, its widely acknowledged how badly botched Dean’s heel run really was and now he’s leaving WWE cuz of constant bullshit thrown his way. How are people having a hard time accepting this after his situation became such a public knowledge is a little strange to me. I mean, plot holes from WWE are widely accepted as a normal occurrence. Why can’t we have it for the sake of Dean departing on a high note and his best friends sending him off the way they want? Right by his side.

I would also like to add that Dean’s turn was based on emotional turmoil, and it was evident losing Roman fucked him up royally. People say ‘for what he did to Roman’ and I’m like, he said some disgusting shit, but he put himself right in the same category as Roman. He implied him and Roman paid for their sins, and Seth still had to. Dean never went out to insult Roman, or called him names. Or said he never cared. He never even threw Seth’s past in his face. He was mentally in a bad place and he snapped. THAT’s the plot Dean was selling. No brainer. Then WWE creative stepped in and ruined the whole emotionally loaded storyline with their lazy disgusting bullshit that was filled with plot holes and ugly shit that made no sense and ruined Dean who suffered through such a personal blow to gain nothing in the end. Dean’s character NEVER recovered from that, and it got so bad that Dean decided to leave. We never found out the reasons and motives behind Dean’s doings, we never found out the reasons behind those tears. We never got the answers to those hints Dean dropped.

So really, what exactly should Roman be mad bout at him? His best friend, the man who was emotionally broken found a family in Roman. He found someone he could trust, love, without the fear of being betrayed by him ever. Roman has been the only one who has stood by Dean even when Dean was acting out. Whether it was over insecurities or his emotional issues. We have been led to believe Roman knows, understands and handles Dean better than anyone else can. So how can Roman not understand what has been going on with Dean? I see people saying Roman’s naive, but I think people are understating his character here. He has always taken great pride in being Dean’s only family. Roman no sold Seth’s reminder of Dean’s betrayal, its like he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Cuz really, he’s Dean’s best friend and knows him suffering such an ill fate and leaving Dean alone was meant to destroy his best friend mentally and emotionally. He accepts Dean’s flaws. He wants his family back. He KNOWS he can have him back. That’s what matters to him. He understands Dean’s turn was triggered by the news of his illness, and he knows now that he’s back he can have his Dean back too. Dean wasn’t greedy or some puppet...Dean acted like a mentally ill person. Roman knows Dean too well to not know that.

Seth on the other hand, he was rightfully wary. But he showed so much character and growth. He has always been selfish, but for once he wasn’t. He might not have such an open mind when it comes to Dean, cuz Dean and Seth don’t have a bond like Roman and Dean. But for Roman’s sake, he’s willing to be the bigger man. He also still cares bout Dean, and the Shield. I think the whole episode was beautifully done considering the awkward situation and the fucked up storyline him and Dean suffered post Roman’s departure. Also, Roman never asked Seth to apologize, and Seth had directly and selfishly hurt him for personal gains unlike Dean. So, basically if you understand Roman’s character, everything did make sense. Seth showed growth. Dean showed emotional vulnerability he should have based his heel run on but creative fucked it up. Roman showed what real life is all bout. Family. Love. Bonding. Living in the moment.

I hope people can look past the shitty part of WWE’s writing and just enjoy Dean with his brothers one last time, cuz we probably will never get a chance to ever have this again. That’s the feel I got. From Roman, from Seth, and even from WWE. These three men share a very deep bond, specially Dean and Roman. They should get a chance to celebrate it before their brother leaves for good.

[apocalyvse]

11/11/11

I was tagged by @water-writings <3

1. Do you write fanfictions or original stories and did you ever write fanfiction?

I write (and always have written) both; I actually started writing fanfiction when I was like 10 years old, before I even knew what fanfiction was, and then later discovered that it was a whole thing. For quite a few years now fanfic has been my main thing, but I’ve got a few original things that I’m knuckling down on this year and really enjoying, so we’ll see.

2. Did you ever write your stories in the middle of class instead of paying attention?

Not in the middle of class really, but I did write like half a harry potter au fic sort of thing based off of some rp characters at the end of my year 11/12 exams. The exams were like 3 hours long each, and like, I’m not smart but I am pretty quick at theory stuff so I’d have 1.5-2 hours per exam to fill, and I would never use the note paper for notes. So I’d fold my note paper into 8ths and write reeeeeally really small and fill it all up during my extra exam time. (I still have the sheets of paper if anyone wants to see xD)

3. How many notebooks do you have filled with your writing?

Since somewhere in 2015, I have filled 25 notebooks; not including anything I wrote straight out on a computer, on my phone, on random pieces of paper, or in other notebooks that aren’t included in my numbering system, which I have lmao.

4. What’s your favorite way to write? Notebook, Word Doc, Google Docs?

By hand in notebooks. I used to write in a word doc, and I still use word to type up into and edit it, but I find writing by hand really pushes my word counts up, and forces me to do an initial edit when I type it up, especially with fanfic because I don’t draft fanfic.

5. Do you write by yourself or do you need people writing with you?

I’ve always written alone - most of my friends don’t even know that I write, or don’t write anymore themselves, so it’s just me and myself over here. I was in a writing club at school for a while, and we tried to do a couple projects together, but the group got off course way too easily and nothing really got done, so I prefer to be alone with something I’m really passionate about finishing.

6. Have you ever cowritten with someone?

When I was liiiiiike 12, my friend and I co-wrote a lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfic lmao, which to this day is one of my favourite writing memories. And I co-wrote an entire 50k ‘novel’ with my friend during middle school, which was actually pretty good fun - we traded off chapters and worked together on plot and worldbuilding and actually finished the whole thing. It was horrible (I can’t look at it anymore it’s so cringey), but a good experience to have. I’ve co-written with a few friends online too, with mixed results - nothing that’s ever really gone anywhere though.

7. Who do you bounce ideas off of?

No one lmao. I just throw them into the story and see if they work.

8. Have you ever taken an experience from your life and written it into a story?

Definitely! The most obvious example would probably be the series of short stories I’ve written and posted on this horse racing game I play, Flying For Home, which are sometimes drawn directly from stuff that happens around my workplace in real life, seeing as I work with racehorses in a big stable (the premise of the short stories lmao). 

Another example I can think of is, funnily enough, my other horse-related project; a novel called Vertigo, for which I have drawn on a lot of my own personal history and people that I’ve met in my life and thrown it into the mixing pot. It’s a bit of a personal daydream tbh xD Other than those, there’s a little bit of myself in everything I write, I think, though it’s hard to pick out sometimes.

9. Favorite type of music to listen to while you write.

I usually don’t let myself listen to music when I write, but if I do, it’ll be the playlist I inevitably have for the story, turned down very quiet so that it fades into the background - usually just pop and alternative/indie sort of stuff.

10. Have you ever had anyone give you “advice” that hurt you and prevented you from writing for a while?

I don’t think I’ve ever had anything that stopped me from writing, and I’ve certainly never had criticism from outsiders/strangers or whatever (generally people just ignore me). But I do keep my mum at a distance from my writing, as she tends to just push and push me to ‘publish something already’ and gives off the mentality of ‘it’s not worth wasting your time on if it won’t make you money’. She uh...doesn’t know that I have published over 100k of fanfic this year. Lol. She’s only trying to be supportive, in her own way, and I appreciate it, but I just don’t mention it to her very often, because she’s never really ready to listen to my point of view on it.

11. Have you ever had fans of your writing pester to write a certain way?

I don’t have fans xD

And from @starsandstormyseas because you asked good questions and I Want To...

1. Have you ever had an idea that sounded really great in your head, but when you started writing it, came out terrible for whatever reason?

Yesssss, Flicker has gone through 9 versions in 2 years because every time I start it, it just goes very quickly in directions that I don’t want it to and it never feels right. This version I’m working on now is the first time I’ve really liked all the ways I could go with it so hopefully we’re past book 2 blues and back on track.

2. What’s your favorite part in writing a story? The relationships (or shipping), the plot, the worldbuilding, something else?

The like, ‘main’ scenes, the big hitters. The culmination of all the middle bits into that one main plot point. And relationships too, though not romantic persay - I just really enjoy the scenes where two characters will bounce off of each other for like 7 pages of dialogue, whether its enemies, or friends, or romantic.

3. And weird habits you do when writing, or to keep yourself writing?

I write by hand mostly, and I have my own system to mark as I’m going sentences I don’t like, or words that don’t really fit but I couldn’t think of the right one, or facts I’ve made up on the fly that need to be googled. If I just mark down stuff that I want to change later as I go, I find that I set myself free in a way, and I can just move on without getting stuck on a google spiral (also I don’t forget to fix my plot holes later).

4. Do you keep the internet on or off when you write?

On, though it’s very distracting when I’m trying to write straight on my laptop lmao

5. What books, authors, fics, or any media, have heavily influenced your writing style?

I spent a lot of my childhood reading Enid Blyton and authors like her; older books, mostly my mum’s books from when she was a child, and things from my hometown’s very, very outdated library. So they had a huge impact on the way I learnt to write (they also had an impact on the way I talk too, but that’s another story). More recently, the whole tone and way that fanfic in general is written has really influenced me, and I’d like to think I’ve adopted it and made it my own in a good way.

6. What time is the best time to write? Day, night? Morning, evening?

Evening/night; some days, I cannot focus until like 8pm when I go to bed. And then I lose sleep because I’m writing but y’know. For editing/typing up, that’s a late afternoon kind of job.

7. Is there anyone IRL that you let read your work? 

I have a group of friends that I’ve known for 8 years now that are allowed to read my work. We used to rp together and all used to write and so we all know how bad we were back in the day xD. One girl from that group has been my friend since kindergarten, so she has always had me shoving handfuls of words in her face. There’s been a few other friends that have read some of my stuff, but not all of it, and the older I get, the less I share.

8. How do you handle negative or unhelpful reviews or critique? Does it impact the way you write?

I’ve never had any negative response, so I don’t know. The silence when you’re 4 chapters deep and no one has reviewed is deafening though.

9. Do you respond to every comment/reply you get? If not, which ones get your attention and why?

I only respond to the long/sincere ones, because I feel like they deserve some encouragement in return for taking the time to really let me know what they thought.

10. Ever gotten weird, unsolicited messages asking to join an RP group or some such because this person apparently read your writing (but probably didn’t)?

Hah. Once or twice.

11. What is your favorite platform to post your writing, talk about writing, or anything like that? 

My favourite place to post and to read by far is AO3 - but I find the best platform to get feedback on is FF.net. My favourite place to talk about writing is over here on tumblr.

MY QUESTIONS

How do you get yourself to focus on writing?

What’s your favourite thing you’ve ever written?

Tell me about your current WIP.

Do you write for yourself or for an audience?

Do you share your writing with anyone you know in real life?

What’s the nicest comment/review you’ve ever gotten?

What platform do you prefer to post your work on?

Do you plot or pants?

What have you learnt while writing your stories?

Do you remember the first story you ever wrote?

Can you give a spoiler for your WIP?

Tagging (from writer peeps) @converginglives, @pen-in-hand (if you want another one I think mel got you xD), @aethryos, @paper-shield-and-wooden-sword, @siriusguided, @insertpenname-here, @indecentpause, @writing-at-dusk @sillyliterature @anoddconstellationofthoughts @writingtomorrow

[agentunwin]

Why [Popstar!Y/N x Shawn Mendes] [Part 2]

A/N: [REQUESTS ARE OPEN!] This chap. is written in 3rd person! It’s also just fluff lmao. Woops

Prompt: After the hitting it off at the photo shoot, Shawn keeps his promise and shows you around his favorite places in Toronto. [Based off Shawn’s song Why].

Words: 2,459

Warnings: Cursing

Tag: @yourwonderbelle

Part 1, Part 3, Part 4*

-

A knocking at the hotel room door caused Y/N to stir, groaning loudly into her pillow. Her hands blindly felt around for her phone. When she finally found it, her tired eyes roamed over the texts she’d missed, a small smile playing on her lips.

From: Shawn

hey, this is shawn! noel gave me ur #

what kind of coffee do u like?

hello??

Y/N chuckled to herself, thinking of how nice it would be to get texts from him every morning. But she was getting too ahead of herself. 

The knocking occurred again, finally catching her full attention. With a sigh she climbed out of bed and to the door, swinging it open, expecting to see Noel or her bodyguard. 

Instead, there Shawn stood, and her cheeks went bright red. He stood in his sweatpants and jean jacket, hair curly and wild, and Y/N wondered how someone could look so perfect so early in the morning. Meanwhile, she stood in front of him with only a t-shirt and panties, her hair looking like she just completed the walk of shame.

In his hand was a cardboard cup tray with all 4 of the holes holding 4 different drinks. He smiled at the girl bashfully, “Hey, your bodyguard let me up. And uh, you didn’t respond to my texts, so I just bought 4 different coffees for you to pick from..”

All she could do was giggle, holding her burning face in her hands. “Come in, I’m so sorry I’m only just waking up.”

“It’s cool, I just wanted to come by a little early so we’d have a lot of time later.” Shawn assured her, placing the coffees on the table. “When do you leave, by the way?”

“Tomorrow morning.” Y/N frowned, suddenly feeling uncomfortable standing in front of him, practically bare. She crossed her arms over her chest for a little bit of decency and Shawn noticed this, his own face going beet red.

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry, Y/N!” He raised his hands, turning around to face the window. “I didn’t even notice you weren’t dressed. I’ll leave and come back if you want me to?”

“It’s okay, Shawn.” She shook her head, bending down to gather clothes from her suitcase, “I’m going to go get ready, and we can leave when I come out.”

-

Y/N grabbed the coffee cup she’d chosen from Shawn, bringing it to her lips, taking a sip, and leaving a noticeable ring of lipstick in its wake. Shawn, across the small cafe table, was busy pouring an excess amount of sweetener into his own cup, cursing to himself when he finally gave up on trying to change it.

“This is nice,” Y/N spoke, looking around the breakfast spot he’d guided her to first. It wasn’t crowded and they sat on the outside patio facing the street, peacefully watching the cars and people go by. “Do you come here a lot?”

“Not really, but it is one of my favorites.” He smiled, nodding his head as he leaned his arms on the table. “I wish I could come more, but people start noticing where you go, ya’know? So now, it’s more of a special occasion place.”

Y/N hummed in agreement, her fingers lightly circling the rim of her coffee cup. “Well in that case, I’m honored.”

Shawn gave the girl a weepish smile and, as it had been all morning, she felt her heart melting at the looks he gave her. The waitress came to the table carrying a tray of their food and set their respective orders in front of the two.

“This looks so good, oh my god.” Y/N moaned to herself, taking out her phone. She wasn’t one to take pictures of her food, but this time, she couldn’t help it. The pancakes were perfectly brown and covered in strawberries and powdered sugar. Shawn, on the other hand, settled for french toast and eggs.

“So,” She began, picking up her fork and turning her attention back to him, “Tell me about yourself!”

“Not much to say.” Shawn shrugged, averting his gaze from hers.

“Oh, come on.” Y/N rolled her eyes, pausing to stuff her mouth with a strawberry. “Don’t get boring on me now. Tell me everything.”

He laughed and grabbed a napkin to clean his lips, licking them over before he began speaking again. “Well, I was born here in Toronto, raised about an hour out, though. I never really wanted to be a singer when I grew up but then I saw Youtube videos of people playing guitar and it captivated me. I got one and taught myself how to play and my career really took off when I started posting videos on Vine.”

Y/N shook her head, smiling as the boy went on and on about his life and journey. There were a few times he would go on off topic tangents and tell stories about tours or his friends, and the passion in his voice only further enthralled the girl.

“What about you?” Shawn suddenly asked, taking her off guard when she realized she’d been daydreaming.

She cleared her throat in embarrassment, “I’m sorry, what?”

“Where are you from?” He pressed further just as his phone dinged with a message. Y/N didn’t begin speaking, concerned that the message may have been important. Shawn brought his phone to his face and read over the message, internally groaning.

From: Geoff

Idk what u think ur doing and i wont question you, but pics are already online of u two. be careful

“Is everything okay?” She spoke up as he set his phone back down. 

Shawn nodded quickly, but she could tell that something was off about him. “My friend says there’s already pictures of us. We haven’t even been here for an hour yet, that’s crazy.”

Y/N shrugged nonchalantly, pushing her empty plate to the side. “Oh well. It’s not a big deal.”

“People will assume, though..”

“Isn’t the idea of dating me so horrifying?” She quipped sarcastically, making him laugh loudly. “Kidding, but seriously, who cares. People will always assume, we shouldn’t care so much about what they think.”

Shawn pondered for a moment over her words, a comfortable silence falling over the two. He then nodded extremely exaggerated, gathering his trash and piling it onto the plate.

“You’re completely right. Are you ready to go?”

-

“You play any instruments?” Shawn inquired, turning onto some street as the two made their way to, possibly, the last destination of the night.

The sun hadn’t begun to set yet, but it was nearing 5:00, and Shawn insisted that whatever he had planned next would take up the rest of the night.

The time before that was spent walking around the streets of Toronto as he gave her a tour, not missing a single spot. Then, they were on their way to a mall where they’d spent hours shopping together, bonding when she’d embarrassingly dragged him into Victoria’s Secret and he dragged her into every single jewelry store to check out their rings and watches. They also sat at the food court for a long time, and miraculously, nobody had come up to ask for pictures or bother the two. However, this didn’t mean they didn’t spot the paparazzi trying to be sneaky and snap pictures from afar.

Neither of them let it bother them, though.

“No..” Y/N responded, leaning back in the seat as he handed her the aux cord. “But I’ve always wanted to learn how to play guitar.”

“So why haven’t you?” 

She shrugged and bit her lip as her own song began playing over the speakers. “I don’t know, I keep making excuses. I don’t have a guitar, I don’t have time, bla bla.”

Shawn remains silent and she shuts her eyes as he continues down the road.

After 30 minutes he finally pulls into a parking space. When he looks over, he’s not surprised to see Y/N napping peacefully, her head resting on her shoulder. He bites his lip and pulls out his phone, snapping a quick picture of her, flinching hard when he realized the flash was on.

He cursed under his breath when she stirred awake, rubbing at her tired eyes. “What was that?”

“I don’t know!” He said quickly, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “I- Uh- We’re here.. It’s just a small walk.”

She sniffed and nodded, slapping her cheeks a few times to wake herself up. They exited the car together and for the first time that day, they’re approached.

It’s a big group of fans, mostly for Shawn, but some for Y/N. They bombard the two with questions, however none of them asked if they were dating, which they were grateful for. 

Y/N and Shawn were there for a good 20 minutes, taking pictures and talking with fans. A lot of Shawn fans would come up to her and ask about him- What he’s like, what kind of music he listens to, and other things. To which she could only reply by saying “He’s nice” and “I don’t know, I’ve only known him for a day.”

Eventually Shawn was able to ward them off and the two of you were alone again. He popped the trunk to his SUV and got out a large guitar case and a bag. Y/N cocked her head at him but he only motioned for her to follow him.

It was then that she realized where they were; A beach. Now, the sun was beginning to make its descent, casting a beautiful golden glow over the sand. There weren’t many people there- Some were fans from earlier, keeping their distance and watching the two from a respectable distance. And, of course, paps kept their distance as well.

Shawn guided Y/N to the most secluded area he could spot, closer to where the water reached. 

“Can you lay out these towels?” He asked, handing her the bag from earlier. She nodded as he set down his guitar case and got to work on whatever he was doing. Grabbing the towels, she set them down next to one another, placing them in close proximity on purpose.

That wasn’t all that was at the bottom of the bag, however. You reached further and pulled out a container of shortcake cups, a can of whipped cream, wine glasses wrapped in tissue, and a bottle of too-expensive champagne.

“You really went all out.” She commented, settling herself on her towel.

“Only the best for my newest friend.” He smiled, though this time, it didn’t seem convincing even to himself.

He popped the champagne open and Y/N unwrapped one of the wine glasses, reaching it out for him to pour some in. She hummed in appreciation and watched as Shawn clumsily made a hole in the sand to place the bottle in.

He then reached for his guitar, sighing and placing it on his lap. His skilled fingers began to move expertly over the strings, playing a beautiful melody. Y/N merely watched and admired, a beautiful grin on her face.

She was caught off guard when the boy suddenly stopped and pushed the guitar her way. 

He chuckled and insisted, grabbing the glass from her hand and replacing it with his guitar. “I’ll help you, come on.”

With a groan, she gives in, letting him do whatever he wanted. He smiles lazily as he moved her fingers into different positions, explaining the different notes and how to get the best sounds out of them. 

After about 2 hours he’d finally managed to teach her the melody he was playing earlier, a clip from one of his songs. Neither of them could deny the spark that flew every time he touched her or the tingle that shot down their spines when the other spoke.

The rest of the night was spent in comfortable silence, listening to music, eating shortcakes, and drinking champagne. The two were sprawled out on the towels, however, managed to still keep their distance.

Y/N must have been even more tired than she thought, as her eyes fell, and they didn’t open again until Shawn was gently tapping her once again, jolting her awake.

And all of a sudden, she was back in the truck.

“Hey, sleepy head.” He chuckled, walking around to her side of the truck and opening her door. “You fell asleep at the beach. We’re back at the hotel now.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry..” Y/N groaned, sitting up and willing herself to hop out of the car. “Thanks for carrying me, though, you didn’t have to do that..”

“It’s the least I could do since I was the one who wore you out.” He smiles, stuffing his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

The two stood there in silence for a long time, just staring at each other. He towered over her and the height difference made his heart swell, but he’d never admit that.

“Well.” She broke their silence, clapping her hands together. “Thank you so, so much for today Shawn. You’re an amazing host. Please don’t lose touch with me after today, okay?”

“Not a chance,” He shook his head, bringing her into a tight hug. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

She laughed into his chest and he gave her a particularly squeeze, neither of them wanting to let go. However, all good things must come to an end.

He finally let her go after what felt like forever, heading back to the driver’s seat. “Now go, before I change my mind and keep you here. Have a safe flight, text me when you land!”

“Thanks!” She called, waving him off as he pulled away from the hotel, leaving her alone for the first time all day.

-

Though Shawn was gone, he still found one more way to become closer to her, as when she opened the door to her hotel room, she was met with another piece of him.

The guitar that he’d just taught her the melody on hours ago was sitting on the bed next to the case, Shawn’s signature written largely on the bottom with a smiley face and a heart. He must have found a way to sneak it in when she was sleeping in the truck.

She facepalmed and screamed happily into her hand, trying to contain her excitement. Quickly grabbing her phone, she took a picture of it and sent him a text, a perpetual mile-wide grin on her face.

To: Shawn

You sneaky devil. Thank you so so much for EVERYTHING <3

The 3 bubbles at the bottom popped up almost as soon as she’d sent the text and she bit her thumb nervously, awaiting his response.

From: Shawn

It’s no problem, honey. make me proud ;)

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Suspiria remake review from a shitty movie-goer

(this review is posted too late so excuse me for some timing inaccuracies I couldn’t be arsed to edit)

(IF YOU HATE TL;DRS JUST SKIP AHEAD TO THE “THE REVIEW” PART. YOU’RE WELCOME)

I actually hate to admit why was I interested to watch this movie in the end, but for once SOMETHING motivated me to go to a movie after countless tries from my family to get me to watch something in theatres at a “reasonable time” (daytime is what they mean, this movie was at 8pm our time, and this is when the cross-city bus transport (it goes from one big city to another) stops doing their service lmao).

I myself have a lowkey interest in moviemaking (I’m already getting there by editing my phone-recorded videos because whatever). I come up with my concepts in my head and I am mostly willing to put them down somewhere in my computer so I don’t forget it years later if I want to make that concept a thing in the end (because none of my concepts are finalized... well except for one short horror-ish story I posted on DeviantArt (see mom, I do like some horror stuff!). Reddit as of lately inspired me to edit some of my movie’s plot-lines based on irl events (not related with anything too SJW), and I’m not sure how an usual movie-goer would see this concept but I am going to try to execute it... whenever I have enough equipment to shoot my own little films or skits or whatever.

What’s that? There are people who scrolled past this and already yell at me that “YOU ONLY WENT TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE OF THE MAN WHO COMPOSED THE SOUNDTRACK~~~”? Ugh yes you exposed me, tea all over. I even had “Street Spirit (Fade Out)” on a bit of a repeat as of lately (how fucking come I wasn’t too couragerous to listen to this song before?? And “Pyramid Song”??? Man am I discovering their pearl(ie)s(*) too late). And I’m occasionally on the band’s subreddit as well. And the man himself is touring ‘round the USA, signing material of fans and have genuinely warm chats with them. Admireable.

But that’s only half truth.

I never thought I’d see Suspiria on cinema theatres in here. Until one time when I saw an ad on a completely random Lithuanian website that said this movie is coming to our theatres 14 December... I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. I made my goal to see Suspiria since then. I even dared to ask a couple of my new college ‘friends’ to see it with me, but one of them fell off the deal when I revealed that I’ll be going to see it on Saturday, and on the weekends he’s usually at home, far away from the city the college is in (he lives in college dormitory on mostly the work-weekdays). So my only movie companion ended up to be this 28-year-old coursemate (actually we both study different things but sometimes we attend some of the same lectures) who was intrigued by the Suspiria trailer herself so at least I’m gonna have her by my side of the movie, so I thought. Sweet.

I already envisioned seeing this in a mall cinema theatre but my companion offered me a cheaper alternative - her suggested cinema theatre was actually in renovation so the business is temporarily happening inside an actual drama theatre’s long theatre hall. I had to wait long until the ticket box opened and because of that I was lowkey frustrated as I finished my English test writing a little earlier, so I spent my time walking around the city until the time came and I wandered off to the old building of the cinema so then I remembered it was moved and I found the moved place. Yeah I bought the tickets before my companion could but I’ll skip ahead to the time that I almost lost the tickets because they were put down on a windowsill outside some children activity centre (Suspiria and children?? lol). I came back home late at night and was ready for the movie to happen the next day. Oh and before buying the tickets I coincidentally saw dance classes going on nearby that building... weird, as Suspiria has dance elements in there

The day came (December 15) and my family went together with me because they saw this as an opportunity to see the Christmas tree of our city (but not the movie). Needless to say, they were still visibly pissed at me orchestrating this idea, as I planned everything BUT the transport to go by. Well at least my mom and my sis. Dad was cool with it as he returned home to watch Home Alone. Aside all that, the cinema hall was cozy, Christmassy, not too small, there were a few trailers before the movie, no snack-seller places (as this is not a mall lol) - my companion was glad she wasn't at the mall as she found this place where we were at way lovelier.

Now with all that unnecessary long intro off my chest, let’s begin:

THE REVIEW

(definitely not spoiler-free, if you are sensitive to spoilers please watch the movie for yourselves before reading my review. But if you like being spoiled, I’m your friend then I guess lmao)

The intro to the movie felt like I ended up booking a wrong movie - I didn't expect that to be set somewhere in Germany, especially an American/Italian-shot one. Was that a thing in the original Suspiria? I don't know... (apparently it is, but the cities are different, never the country though)

Patricia (I didn’t know it was Chloë Grace’s role until reading the Wiki) looked like to be a really big deal here, with the dance pupils discussing her disappearance the other day and Susie overheard them, then Sara mentioned the Patricia thing to Susie after Susie revealed she was kind of chosen as the lead dancer for the Volk play... is it because Patricia was THE saviour that unfortunately knew a little too much?? Idk, it’s perhaps the reason we get to see the Klemperer guy subplot happen (I didn’t know it was Tilda Swinton behind him all the time either, must be because the way the male German accent was put on her lol). Turned out she was captured and kept under some dungeon where Sara had gone later in the movie, but looking like an almost melted and grotesquely old human being (or if Mary’s mother from “Chocolate with Nuts” was a person). Speaking of which, there is one more later in the movie, but I won’t tell just yet - we will need to get into such scenes discussion first.

Interesting deaths here, despite of them being grotesque and horrifically detailed. It almost felt like Susie, whilst doing her first dance as the probable lead dancer, temporarily turned into Olga’s voodoo doll or a violent bloodbender (that old lady from Avatar that could bloodbend was incredibly uncanny, damn) and left Olga completely fucked up, and the foam mouth later on... is this the effect myxomatosis has on a human being if it was ever humanly? She was twitching and salivating afterall. :P But no, she’s not dead until she gets to plead her death later in the movie! :O Several others occur throughout, but none is more prominent than this key scene I described, well at least according to TV Tropes.

The search for the evil person in this movie without Wiki helping me much was definitely a nice game for me to play. I kept thinking that Blanc might be that one, then I thought she’s not the one until she looked at Carolina (I think that was the tall tomboy’s name??) suspiciously and then she later passed out on the floor violently, with rabies foam and everything.

Anyway, don’t tell me Tilda Swinton wouldn’t make out a pretty good Thom Yorke post-Pablo Honey. She’s 8 years older than him, ffs! Also played a man before (e.g.: this movie I’m talking about) so the make up won’t be an unjumpable-over hurdle.

The sighs were for sure unsettling, especially because they oddly sounded like orgasm here and there. IDK why. I know fucking is referenced twice in this movie (well only fucking once and sex another time). Speaking of random things, the nightmare shots were completely random themselves, following up with some imagery we never see in the movie again, and some of that we see only a little (like the worms and bloody organs).

3 long scenes that were note-worthy for me. One is the Olga mutilation/Susie's first dancing scene that I already noted, and it was driven by music (the others will be too. Soundtrack of this movie still rules). Then there's the Volk play itself - girls go from one place to another, take poses of each other, dance individually, let their minimalistic red rope dresses flick in the air, interspersed with Sara in the underneath area and her broken leg (so broken, the bone went out of her skin!), and then the matriarchy getting her back on stage, but healing her leg with her witch powers before that. I haven't really listened to the rest of the soundtrack but I gotta check the song out so that I won't end up labeling it as a Kid A reject. No but seriously - intense dancing needed some intense drumming and painful instrument sounds just to project out the massiveness of the whole play.

Then I keep remembering the scene where Madame Blanc commands Susie to jump higher and higher in the mirror hall, up until she jumps as highest as possible. Also my companion’s favourite scene was the stare exchange between these two ladies during the part where people were singing some drinking song in a bar to celebrate ‘Volk’’s success - you hear them singing and then some chilling background noise slowly mixing and creeping its way into the atmosphere, then I think it leads into a scene where some sparkling aura entity wakes Susie up (and she’s nude) in the middle of the night and gets her to go down to this... dungeon orgy full of random stuff going on, complete with an Asian man doing something beyond explanation (I could say lewd but not quite), even more strange ritual dancing and the very much frightening Madame Helga... who looked like Jabba the Hutt for some reason. And then of course everyone slitting, slashing and twisting each other, and by the end Susie throwing us all a plot twist which makes her THE evil one who can finally let her ‘friends’ go of all that suffering they have been through thanks to the damn witches (and yeah apparently her dance friends haven’t completely died? THAT’S how they do - they tell Susie to end their suffering and she does). Also she cracks her chest open to reveal a... very graphic part of a female body that will by no doubt get this whole text review reported without consent so I refrain from any illustrations. Oh and this scene mostly has the possibly favourite this movie’s soundtrack song of mine, if not one of them, play - titled Unmade. It was a mind-boggling decision to do so but the movie editors do them I suppose, but still. I felt sad for the song having to be the background of such absurd but fair enough events? (Oh and I didn’t mention that everyone who voted for the other woman than Madame Blanc to be the leader of the witches (iirc) were rid of in this movie. Damn.)

Oh and the ending is rather an interesting detail, not talking about post-credits because as always I have to be this one movie goer who wants to do it but can’t because they’re urged to go back out of the movie theater. We turn into modern day Germany with a love heart carved on a brick wall with the letters A and L (perhaps?? at the time of finishing this review my memory towards it kind of erased some parts of the movie for me), a nice little remembrance of Lutz’s (the old man’s) love for his dear Anke, with which they have reunited during the movie, but Lutz was dragged out by some people related to the dance academy for probably wandering elsewhere than needed and somehow Lutz ended up as one of the sex dungeon victims, stripped of clothing and lying down quite powerless. That and before the modern day shot we are subjected with Lutz in hospital with Susie coming to visit, they discuss something related to the plot, Susie touches the guy speaks some more, leaves and according to the Wiki, Lutz “suffers from a violent seizure” that was nothing more than just a hard seizure. And it even erases his memories!

Anyway, as a whole, I felt more underwhelmed of this movie’s experience despite really wanting to see it. Like, “uhm yeah gore blood people getting slashed everyone’s a witch and everyone’s watched over by the witch and if you expose the witches you die” kind of underwhelmed. I didn’t want this movie to blatantly go through my head, but it did, that’s why I wanted to make notes everytime something notable happens. There was one startling moment, and it just was an innocent scene transition. And something within Olga’s mutilation scene made me chuckle (and made some other people leave the cinema hall ASAP). It’s more of a disgusting watch than scary. Also feels too dragged out in parts.

I’d only recommend it if you are gore-tolerant (there are people that can’t stand looking at blood so this might as well not be for you, especially if you’re younger than 16), like intense choreos that can impact other people literally, and... the soundtrack. Yes of course. If you dare to get through the movie with feeling its soundtrack, sometimes you might as well feel it right, but some of the soundtrack song usages might as well make you go “hmm” as much as me.

I'll remind myself to never watch a movie in theaters for soundtrack again (unless they're not THAT late). And the other 'trilogy of the three witches' movie remakes, especially if they come out at the time I haven't moved houses by now, because for sure as hell will my parents not like me going to cinema late once more. The movie is lowkey 7 out of 10 for me, can sometimes it's on the verge of falling down to 6 becaude of no completely proper comprehension of some directing choices... so 6.7/10 is good - as it still has 6 in it, but totally leans on to the 7.

Will probably watch it again. I need to remember some more of this movie sometime later. And looking for online uploads of this movie is unrecommendable - I'll wait until Lionsgate distributes it to America for wider audiences so that anything could surface 2 months (or even a few days) later from now. Though if I didn't need all that, I'd definitely not watch it again for a long time... unfortunately I want to.

Post movie feelings: my companion liked the movie, initially said to never watch it again but now wants to watch it again because it was so "wtf" she felt like re-experiencing it at some point. She liked the music (another bonus point for Yorke). She wished she could film the reactions of other people who watched this, as they mostly were confused, all being like "wtf did I just watch???". I'm already feeling bad for the 3rd companion who didn't join us but would also like to watch this - he’ll likely be one of those confused movie-goers.

[dramazones]

Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P

[pen-observing]

Helloo Aqua beloved~ for the fic ask game:

My favorite fic of yours

It's that one Satan drabble inspired on Thomas Moore's poem? I don't think I had this account when I first read it :| and idk how it made its way to me but.....something about it. It was literally so formative in the way I see Satan? I really love it lots, and also adore the poem itself, so when I read it the first time it was li a little epiphany lol like "oh uhm this one is it!!" i hold it so close to my heart....

& talking abt heart and such... The one of "I carry your heart etc etc and barbatos also LITERALLY lives rent free on my head....

A fic of yours that i've re-read

I'll shamelessly admit to going back to every one of your Barbatos pieces every time i want to write about him myself, to like. get a better grasp of him? Yes my queen i go to your fanfiction instead of canon stuff ;;-;; your characterization of him is like. the most thing ever.

A character/ship I didn't enjoy/think about as much before you wrote about them

Also super predictable but yes, it is Barbatos too... I don't think or care about him nearly...at all,, unless it is in your writing specifically. l think a lot of it has to do with the fact that when we write abt a character we love it really shows and it makes the whole thing really compelling? But also that you're just THAT skilled with words that can hold my attention even with guys wouldn't normally think about sjsjdj.

What I like the most about your writing

Ughhh aqua you have such a lovely way with words in general? What I adore the most in your stuff is the way it flows, it feels v familiar to me for some reason ;;-;; even lyrical at times but not too much and your sentences have a nice feeling of vague movement to them, kind of like a the lull of water? If that makes any sense at all? You're very soothing to read and I love it because it's not like I read for the plot and what will happen next, but to savor every little paragraph on its own<3

head in hands trying to dry my tears from this sweet sweet ask while im saving it as a screenshot to look at whenever i feel sad

i often feel like my satan works are lacking in number or in quality or maybe just because i find him so similar to myself so im trying to completely ask myself 'how would satan' and ignore the 'how would i' questions when i write him so hearing this gives me more confidence in actually writing for him. i carry your heart ahgggn,, i actually had to write that one a second time since i was young and foolish and wrote on the tumblr post itself instead of in a doc aasklj. thank you for carrying it in your heart!

you do what?!! hugs and kisses and more hugs and more kisses to you!! thank you!! i think i so easily remember things about people that i love and that includes fictional characters lmao so grasping his characterisation has never really been hard for me + he spent so much time on the sidelines writing for him purely based on the game alone would just mean a robotic man before like the last few lessons we have ajksdad

OMG i joked like when i started this blog that it was purely to spread 'barbatos agenda' and create more fans for him but i completely understand what you mean. if the writer i like writes a character i am indifferent about i will still read the fuck out of it (e.g. i am personally indifferent towards belphie but i read him a lot askjdad)

I AM ASKING FOR YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW (if u hate the idea of marriage then pls your hand in handholding on a picnic) !! i called myself aqua on here because (amongst other things) in many ways i wanted to convey that writing,,,can be like the water. and for me it personally is. it can also be like sunlight or like a mystery castle or a sensual brush of fingertips - it depends on the writer themselves so hearing that you actually perceive it as such makes me so so happy ahhhh!! i am well aware my writing style doesn't suit long series or action or plot because it focuses more on emotional moments?? in a way and im totally okay with that and had to recognise it. it just means that my writing, just like any other, isn't 'commercial' or 'for everyone to stan' asdka but knowing that you appreciate it so much makes it all the more worth it.

thank you once again! now i am going to cry over this ask in peace! ily!!

[sleepymarmot]

A couple of months ago, after finishing COUNTER/Weight, I spent about a week in a total hangover, relistening to scenes and having feelings. I took some notes, but procrastinated posting them, and then finally got distracted. But, a) I hate leaving things I intended for tumblr unposted, even if they have value only for me, and b) I also hate posting things out of order, and there's a big TM liveblog incoming. So, here's a bunch of really random thoughts about C/w from past me.

The gnosis virus did go nowhere huh. I was hopeful for a minute when one of the finale intros mentioned it, but that was it. What was the purpose of that arc even. [Note from present me: Lol. At least I feel better about this one!]

Oh, and the patch AuDy left never reappeared either. And the idea from the faction game that Aria's images owned by EarthHome/Petrichor transmit Rigour code… That's the flip side of the coin. On the one hand, it's really cool to see the creative process – on the other, it sometimes feels like you're listening to people write a script for the tv show, but only get to see a half of the finished product. It's fascinating to see the universe grow organically and the players to come up with new ideas and get excited about them – but that means numerous retcons, some of them not even presented as such, because the creators forgot what the previous revision was or didn't thought it was important. It's a unique feature of the medium that player choice directs the narrative and it's not bound by railroading – but that means some roads lead nowhere, and some branches dry and fall off.

It's a bit harder to make peace with something that could have easily been developed more within the existing plot of the show. How come there's a player character whose consciousness consists of three different people in various combinations, but nobody seems to be curious how that works? No PC or NPC ever asked “Which one of you is speaking right now?” or something. The final episodes made a lot of things clearer, but it still felt too little, too late. Hard not to be reminded of that gripe about certain two characters sharing one character sheet one of whom was left underdeveloped and half-forgotten… Both are very ambitious concepts that require a double amount of work from the player, so I feel bad complaining they weren't realized to full potential, but…

Speaking of L&D… I still want to know how the hell did that one engineer all by herself design 4 gods, one of which became a basis for technology that was advanced even for the civilizations 80,000 years later? This woman singlehandedly surpassed any technological achievement of humanity before and after. Who Is She

I saw a “Wake me up: before you go go / when september ends / wake me up inside” meme and thought “heh, this sounds relevant, which member of the Chime is which?” and it already made me sad, but then I realized that I'd never actually heard the september song and looked it up and. The lyrics fit so well. What the fuck. It's an old song everyone keeps joking about. Why is it appropriate for a legitimate fanmix. What. I guess the word “September” will never be the same again for me.

I looked up the rules for Firebrands, the game used for the finale. Oh my, challenges for the dance minigame are so overtly romantic when you see them in a list together! Imagine this cast of characters having to answer to “do you place your hand upon my elbow, shoulder, waist, or hip?” lmao. Also I didn't realize “May I?” was part of the rules for “stealing time together”. (And I found out there's a party version of that minigame with bug-themed challenges. I might have dug too deep…) "Tactical skirmish" is a really fascinating concept, I've never seen such a masochistic combat system! Really faces the player with the violence they're inflicting: sure, you can always fight on, but are you ready to live with what you'll have to do? But for it to work fully, you need a lot of non-expendable NPCs on both sides. The one with the most likeable team wins! (Like Mako did.)

I'm relistening to Three Conversations and it's pretty interesting that Ibex has a bunch perfectly lifelike android bodies, right? There is no such technology seen anywhere else. Did Righteousness develop and privatize that? Are they so complex that only a Divine would have enough computing power to successfully mimic organic life? Can Aria convince Righteousness to help her perform on stage without leaving her duties? Also, like with AuDy, I wonder how Ibex & Righteousness' consciousness works. Is it a single mind, spread across every body he has, or even anything Righteousness is running on, having a bunch of different conversations at once if he needs to? Or is the original Ibex just gone, and what's left is a personality imprint hanging on to the connection to his still living body, imitating his former self like the automated recording Cass saw wore his face? In other words, has Ibex completely fused with Righteousness, or assimilated and destroyed by it? Does he not exist anymore as an independent singular being, or does he not exist at all? Most info indicates the former, but there was also “You’re not in there anymore” “No”.

If Orth and Jace are anime fans with their Kingdom Come and Panther, then Ibex is the guy who's way too into dinosaurs or paleontology. It's as if the heads of various confessions were called Triceratops, Stegosaurus etc. and only one of them knows wtf that means, and also he compares his Divine to… Were there scavenging dinosaurs? I'm looking at an article that suggests T. Rex might have been a scavenger, so yeah he would compare Righteousness to a goddamn T. Rex.

Hey what do you think is the most thematically aproppriate part of the Hieron anime for Orth to watch alone at night during the Kingdom game. What's the best thematic parallel for when he turns off the episode and thinks he made a mistake. Do you think that he once, after a long day and a long month and maybe a long year of feeling helpless and doomed, sits down for a distraction but ends up sobbing “How could they let this happen to Mother Glory”

On Joypark, there are definitely statues of Eidolons, ancient and holy, that were repainted and repurposed as Hieron deities. Imagine a giant Greek or Roman style marble statue of Apote – and it’s painted over as Samot, with an anime face and in really bright plain colors like these “reconstructions of original coloring” that actually only use base colors so they look like cheap action figures.

I was reading Austin's top ten games of 2016 list on Waypoint and he gave first place to The Sprawl! Aww!

The Downloads folder in my phone gallery is funny bc it mostly consists of every freely available f@tt map and also that one photo of Tristan Walker (because I tried to redraw it, very unsuccessfully). I go check a map and every time am met by Ibex just. staring at me. It's unsettling

Some of the many options for how Apostolosian gender could have been presented:

Apostolosians prefer to be addressed by the most neutral available human pronoun, represented as "they" in English, because the human languages don't have anything close enough

Apostolosian pronouns are represented in English by a set of real-life common pronouns and neopronouns

There's a list of Apostolosian pronouns and they're just used in English verbatim (Really impractical because the players need a cheat sheet, but the most fair)

Humans apply human genders to Apostolosians. Apostolosians may be offended, may find it convenient, or something else

As Austin said in the post-mortem, the Eidolon system is not gender. It's represented in English by titles/honorifics/etc

Any of the above, and the creators are aware of the difference between personal pronouns, grammatical gender, and social gender

And that’s not even touching the core problem of what the concept of gender in a futuristic, techonologically advanced society would look like. Yes, I'm complaining about this for the third time but I'm just. So tired of native English speakers' takes on gendered language. They could have made Apostolosian gender look like anything and they made it look like that fucking mess... God, I really hope TM is good enough to make me forget and forgive the experience of listening to “he... sorry, they” for 100 hours. [Note from present me: Well… mostly]

Here’s my take on this: eidolons in Apostolosian language are absurdly broad noun classes with associated classifiers (which fits both the idea that they’re gender but not actually, and that each of them is a patron to several unrelated aspects of life) Apostolosian: the word “(Apo)thesa” is used to refer to people who follow the corresponding eidolon, as well as for counting buildings, heavy machinery, military units, specific strategies and tactics, log entries, historical documents and chronicles, history textbooks and monographs, and eras :) Human: what the fuck

Very critical, imaginative worldbuilding in which 80,000+ years into the future humanity somehow has 21st century gender and 21st century capitalism! TBH, I find any sci-fi set in the far future inherently silly – we can’t really imagine the future technogy and its effect on society. But it feels like C/w barely even tried, and to hear it boast about “critical worldbuilding” is kinda strange. I assumed that meant they build the world critically, not that they recreate modern society or some aspect of it and criticize that! It’s just another Star Trek then! And it was already clear right during the setup when they said “We don’t want Star Trek aliens” and immediately created Apostolosians.

I haven't seen a single piece of fanart with Taako and Mako. Come on, does nobody want to see these two next to each other! Especially considering the outfits artists like to put Taako in!

I really don't understand how and why people do fandom activities on Twitter and Discord where the creators also have accounts. It gives me so much secondhand embarrassment. I can barely peek at Twitter posts before running away. Old-fashioned opinion apparently but I strongly believe the main fandom space and the interaction-with-original-creators space should be separate. I need a space where I can voice my opinions, especially negative ones, with complete freedom. I need to be able to say exactly what's on my mind. But I wouldn't want any of the people on the podcast to read something unfiltered like my complaints above. Being in the same space as the source content creators obliges any decent person to be diplomatic and constructive. And the creators, in turn, need a space where they don't come across complete randos yelling at them about something they said in a podcast three years ago. I'm already feeling uncomfortable because hearing to strangers pour their hearts out for hundreds of hours gives me way too much insight on who they are as people. Of course, nothing’s stopping them from lurking on Tumblr or AO3 and even reading this very post, but a platform where they have official accounts is still a different thing! I even feel uncomfortable talking about the podcast creators using their first names so much. To my ear, referring to a total stranger by first name, especially if it's a shortened form, sounds so rude! I'm not their friend, I don't have that right! But, of course, writing something like “Mr Walker” in my liveblogs would have been even weirder, nobody does that...

Is it a common experience to not even think about fanfiction after listening to Hieron, but going straight to AO3 after C/w? I feel like since Hieron is still a work in progress, writing/reading about it is stepping on the GM&players' toes, and C/w is finished so it's like they gave us the keys to the playground, it's the fandom's turn now. This story has so much blanks and they must be filled! In one of the early episodes they joked that something cute they said would encourage people to ship Mako/Cass and I was like "Bold of you to assume they aren't already" and, indeed, I was right and it's the most popular C/w ship on AO3. Too bad I’m so indifferent to it…

It’s a shame we never had a full scene with Ariadne or even learned what they were up to during the finale.

I still don't understand how Ibex went from “evil CEO” to “leader of a proletarian revolution”, these sound like completely opposite concepts to me

I probably have talked about this too much and have pretty much given up on ever getting a clear picture due to all of these reimaginings but… Righteousness and Voice… Ibex takes Righteousness out of Mako but he still has Voice, that was pretty much openly stated, correct? So how does that work? I’m guessing Righteousness is hidden somewhere in Voice’s code. But if so:

Did Maryland know? On the one hand, she’s too competent not to. On the other, why would she ever allow or accept that?

How did Righteousness not get corrupted by Rigour too? Maybe it did, but broke off the connection with the rest of itself to contain the damage? Or maybe, on the contrary, it kept in contact and was sending intel to Ibex the whole time? But in that case he would have provided more help in the finale.