#i spent an hour with my eyes closed

[marshmallowgoop]

You came out of nowhere And you opened up my eyes to sunlight

[Song links: 1, 2] [YouTube link]

[starlight---starbrights]

Undertale yellow flowey embroidery

This took about 40 hours, give or take a few

[emotionalcadaver]

We're conjoined. I'm curious whether either of us can survive separation.

[vzajemnik]

special interest status: i just lost 4 hours of my day that im never gonna get back and my head hurts so much i will jump off a window

[mewkwota]

"You're making that (cute) face again."

I was lightly translating the details of Simon's eyes from his Smash model onto paper, and ended up with an expression that could've become either "annoyed" or "pouty", depending how I did the mouth.

I obviously went with the latter.

[loumauve]

psa: @mehoymalloy? hella rad person.

that's it, send post.

[char-lie-spirals]

So, since @gristlebloom-orchid asked, I DO have a Flesh!Graham AU and I finally sat down to put my thoughts about it into something comprehensive, and then into words! So, I figured I might as well make a post about it! Actually this is my 2nd attempt at making it because apparently version 1 was like 2 times too long for a Tumblr post or something?? Messed up :/

Warning for Flesh-typical content, mostly of the dysmorphic kind, along with some Drastic measures to "fix" that

So, the entire AU starts with one simple change - the NotThem doesn't manage to kill Graham when it attacks him. He survives by pure chance, and doesn't come out of the encounter unscathed, but no matter how much blood it spilled, at least he made it out alive!

Except, the whole thing really messes with the way he sees himself. He can barely recognize his own reflection, so many little things about it seem wrong, things he doesn't even know words/names for, but they're all just wrong wrong wrong that's not him!!

The NotThem gets a good meal out of him just... feeling like a Stranger in his own skin, so instead of finishing the job, it hangs around, sometimes pretend-attacks him just so that he locks himself in the bathroom and has nothing to do but stare in the mirror, and it's enjoying this "arrangement" very much!

It doesn't take Graham too long to pick up on the pattern. A few weeks in, he locks himself in the bathroom with nothing but a notebook on him, and ends up trying to write down what exactly bothers him in the reflection.

No matter how hard he tries, the descriptions aren't detailed enough. His face isn't "wrong", it's his eyes and nose and mouth and skin and- no, no, that's still too broad. His eye color seems too dark, and his eyelids are folded differently, and they seem too far apart, and-

The NotThem leaves him alone, satisfied enough, much faster than usual. This is the point where a realization strikes him, and all of his previous thought process gets off-track for a Stranger victim. Because you see, from his perspective, all what he knows is:

There is something herding him around, and he keeps falling for it's tricks. It torments him, and then leaves, seemingly content enough with his fear. Seemingly... fed by it. On top of that, he's barely himself through his own eyes, so to anyone else he's surely unrecognizable, just one slip up away from losing his self entirely, and is he still a person at that point? Is he a person at this point??

He doesn't feel that far off from an animal serving its purpose up until it will get slaughtered. With this one simple trick (overthinking), he has managed to change his fear of the Stranger into a fear of the Flesh! The NotThem hates him!

Does he react impulsively to this realization? Yeah, probably, since his response is to up and leave his flat instantly, only grabbing a few necessities along the way and with not intentions of coming back

He wanders for a while, feeling horrible and shuddering at each reflective surface he passes by because there is something wrong with his body, and it makes his skin crawl. Before he knows it, he's already desperate enough that he'd do just about anything to fix it

He feels he can't really trust anyone to try and fix all those little things without messing them up further, so that's off the table. He'll have to fix them on his own, with his bare hands if he has to. Then again, there's no telling if he won't mess himself up more by trying to fix things!

He decides he needs to get some practice. And some tools. And sure, he's been walking around for a while now, but it doesn't take him all that long to come across the nearest butcher store, and it's open! Just... strangely quiet. Up until,,, oh oops! uh oh!

Yeah, he kind of. Happened to walk into Jared Hopworth's Butcher Store? While the man is in the middle of disposing of a guy for the mafia? And those people were quite clear, no witnesses are allowed to leave, so... he's just stuck here now.

He's scared at first, as one would be upon walking in on a Huge guy torturing some other guy, but then... then he sees the way Jared pulls bones from the man, how he re-shapes them...

If he's going to die here, he might as well ask for help with a few of his own issues. For a start, he's pretty sure his right forearm doesn't look quite right because the bone should be a bit more squashed, and at a different angle, but that's apparently fixable???

Jared's not used to people wanting to be reshaped (this is like early-mid 2006, 6 years before the gym statement takes place, give him time), but he complies and is even more surprised by the honest positive reaction.

He asks if Graham needs help with anything else in his body, and Graham just pulls out his notebook. He knows that much fixing won't be free, but now at least one of his limbs looks his own again, he can't possibly stop now?? Not to mention, some of the bits are easier to replace or add to rather than re-shape, so... if he ends up having to lead a few people to their doom... well. So be it.

With every little change, he becomes more himself, but at the same time, strays further and further from who he used to be. And when he's finally satisfied with his results? He might just keep trying to bring more people to the butcher shop out of habit. :]

That's about it for the story I have properly planned. I do, however, have the idea that once Jared moves on to owning that gym of his, Graham will be Very helpful in finding future customers! All he has to do is approach people and kindly point out the few things he can just see are wrong about them, and then tell them he knows a place where they can fix those!

I'm not sure how/if he'll get involved with the main archives crew - maybe when Jane Prentiss traps Martin in his own home, he reaches a few similar conclusions that Graham did and that draws him in? Maybe he's been looking for the NotThem in case it slips up and can't finish the job properly again, which leads him to the institute? Maybe he happens to be one of the people Jon contacts all the way in season 3, since he managed to escape the Stranger's grasp and that might be useful? Who knows! I certainly don't, not yet!

Also I'm open to feedback on this AU since I don't cover Flesh much in my AUs and writing, so I feel a bit out of my depth? But I figured the body dysmorphia aspect of it could fit the mess I like to make of -selfs and identities when the NotThem is involved and I'm feeling a bit silly :] but I tried not to abandon the more animistic aspects of it? But again if that just Doesn't Work as well as I was hoping it would, like I said I am open to feedback!

[altruistic-meme]

MISERABLE

[bookwyrminspiration]

I feel you. My issue isn't really specific to auditory processing, but my brain works sort of slowly, so it often takes me longer than others to formulate responses to things. Not fantastic for convincing people that I'm knowledgeable and competent :/

Honestly I don't know quite what it is for me, just for some reason it often takes me longer to process when someone asks a question. Which sucks because then you're just kinda staring while they're waiting like why aren't you saying anything. and I'm like. I also wish I was saying something dude

And while speed doesn't equate to intelligence and knowledge, you just feel like an idiot sometimes because it's just! A jumble of words! I know each of them individually, I know what we're talking about, I know the answer to your question, I just need a few extra seconds to figure out what that question was. But you also feel the need to fill the space, and then you're using part of your energy to fill the space so it takes even longer to process the question and form your response

then you get to feel like an idiot while trying to remind yourself no one else cares or will likely remember the 5 seconds of you thinking then going huh? but you will. you'll remember it forever.

[kaisollisto]

i want to throw myself away!!!

[rragnaroks]

goin through getty images for reference photos for Taika and constantly going "oh fuck me"

[totebagbisexual]

i know i keep saying this and i know i’m a dummy who keeps going back and making the same mistakes but fr i am reaching my LIMIT when it comes to boys

[coffeebanana]

once my little brother was upset about something (and at the time was probably 3 or 4) so he said "I used to have a good day" and i actually think that was very wise of him. like same dude. same

[itscoah]

me, last year: i wonder what's it like to be an artist with aphantasia

me, has aphantasia

[the-13th-rose]

Staying up late intentionally: hahaha hee hee >:)

Staying up late because your shitty brain won't produce the sleep juice: I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

[virtuangel]