#i sound genuinely mad i know but it’s just that I LOVE RESEARCH AND I WANT TO KNOW THINGS

[neonovember]

So I currently have food poisoning and I can’t help but it think how mad Carmy would be if a restaurant gave his gf/wife food poisoning

Also Carmy come take care of me and make me soup plz 🙇‍♀️😫

Plus he would give the best snuggles 😭

firstly, sending lots of love and recovery, i've never actually had fp lmao so a lot of time on webmd will be spent. get ur fluids in! secondly, carmen might have to go underground for setting the restaurant on fire. we love him for it

summary: You were hungry and had just finished work and you didn't think about inspecting the goddamn Michelin star restaurant, maybe you should have.

warnings; cursing, food poisoning, richie (he's a warning), hipsters, talks of future arsony, possessive carmen, cracked fic ngl,

divider by @firefly-graphics

i'm slipping back into the unsafe territory of wanting fictional characters. (and i don't care)

You could roll your eyes in annoyance if you weren't hunched over the ceramic bowl of the toilet heaving out the contents of your stomach while Carmen held you hair back.

The one time, the one goddamn time you decide to try a new place without Carmen's input, without his meticulous standards and in depth research behind every night out.

It wasn't like you hadn't tried to vet the new braised beef spot that opened up on west Avenue. In fact, you had heard all but stellar reviews from friends and family, meeting you with suprise hearing that Carmen hadn't taken you. You decided to bring home a small plate, their signature braised meat with plums, red onions and atrichocke hearts.

You had meant to share it with Carmen, and you were going to, but a botched catering order had him staying back another hour than what had been planned. And well..you say you tried to save some for Carmen, but despite its bacteria laced beef and vomit inducing sides it was pretty fuckin' good.

Was this God's wrath coming down upon you? Punishing you for your gluttony? Food poisoning did feel awfully close to perpetual hellfire.

The TV was blaring some indescriptive show, the kind with dramatic introductions and soap opera worthy screams. It helped fill the space of absence when Carmen worked long nights, and you felt quite comfortable wrapped up in a blanket with a full stomach and a warm sofa.

Your phone had pinged with the sound of Carmen's text, letting you know he was on the way when it started. At first you had written it off as mere indigestion, probably from shoveling the cursed meal into your mouth too quickly.

Then, around the time the show's main character had found out her boyfriend got her mother pregnant, the nausea set in. Swirling aches that felt like a whirlpool in your stomach had taken over, sloshing and swirling and never leaving. You couldn't mistake it, as you tried to swallow past a dry throat and the creeping sweats of a headache inducing fever began to ravage your body.

You hated sitting in discomfort, it wasn't as though you were afraid of vomiting no, you just could not bare to feel the way your stomach skipped and jumped with every wave of nausea that took over.

You thought of making yourself sick, but shook your head when the alarming disapproval of Carmen's voice loomed over.

"It's just gonna make it worse, you gotta sit with it till it passes"

Fuck him and his medical knowledge. What did he know?

You had ripped off the blanket that had once felt comforting, peeling of layers of clothing that stuck to your body like a second skin. You just felt hot, so hot, is anyone else feeling this heat? You try to move from the couch to reach your phone, but the sudden movement has nausea bubbling up your throat.

You fall to the ground in a heap, hand clasped around your mouth to stop the possibility of projectile vomiting on the rug you had just bought and shoot your hand up to reach for your phone.

You press Carmen's number, begging him to answer you in genuine crisis rather than when you were drunk with friends and missed him. You feel the urge to heave and crawl quickly to the bathroom, phone clasped in hand and suddenly desperately needed his medical knowledge.

Carmen phone rings from the behind the stack of documents in the office, and he hastily wipes his hands across his apron before trying to reach it before it rings out.

Guilt fills his stomach at the thought of you, he was meant to be home hours ago. The catering order needed a few extra hands to help, and once Carmen began he got lost in it, and now you had spent nearly the entire night alone.

"Fuck- Hey baby, I know I said I was comin' but I had to finish a couple things-" Carmen quickly responds as he swipes the call button.

The groan of pain that responds has Carmen freezing in the middle of the kitchen.

"Baby? What-, are you okay?" Carmen replies quickly, his voice going short as his mind turns every possible scenario that had you whining in pain over the receiver.

"Please come quickly, Carmen I think I might-" You gulp and make a retching sound "I think I got sick from that place I was telling you about" You plead out, breathing heavily into the speaker.

The guilt that had filled Carmen seems to morph into an anger that rushes up his chest as he shakes his head.

"The new place? The one with the fuckin' smoke meat? They did this?"

"Mhm" You mumble "I should've just listened to you" You groan out in sadness.

"Fucking idiots. How the fuck did they even? Okay, okay honey just gimme a second yeah?"

How did he let this happen? Carmen has half the mind to stop at the restaurant that more of a Instagram attraction that a respected place of business. You were so eager and excited t try it, Carmen had his own thoughts but would glue his mouth shut if it meant making you happy.

He'll make sure they get shut down, or at least black listed from Chicago as long as he's concerned. His hands shake with the eager want for the fight, to smash someones jaw for resorting you to a heap of tears and sick. He would, he knows he will, but at this moment he needed to take care of your first.

He mumbles out a rushed reply, phone between his shoulder and ear as he slips out of his work shoes and into his sneakers. He thinks for a moment to grab his things but immediately shut that thought out when he hears you groaning into the phone.

"Just stay on the phone okay? I'm coming now, I need to get you some things alright?"

You let out what you hope is a reply, hunched over the toilet.

Carmen rushes to the store fridge, grabbing containers of soup Tina had prepared for family as the Chicago winter was getting close.

"You alright kid?" Richie mumbles, walking into the kitchen entry way, scratching his stomach as he watched Carmen's erratic movements around the store.

"Fuckin-, she's sick. And I'm here chopping up tomatoes for fucking Guy while she was in pain for god knows how long-"

"Woah, Bugs sick? We talking COVID or.."

"I'm such a fucking idiot. No it's not COVID Rich, Jesus Christ. Some rookie new spot trying something outside of their abilities gave her food poisoning. Fuckin' hipsters"

"Oh that's bad. You know when I got food poisoning the one time I took Tiff to this romantic getaway. Had me projectile vomiting in the AirBnb bathroom. Couldn't even get a deposit back, had to pay some dumb ass cleaning fee-"

Carmen wipes a hand across his face shaking his head. He was already pent up, he might throw a pan at Richie if he doesn't stop talking.

"Richie, I don't have time for this, I need to get her some Sprite or"

Richie shuffles across to the cupboard near the back of the house, grabbing bottles of Gatorade and a pack of saltine crackers.

"How do you even have this stuff lying around"

"You're the one with the inhuman alcohol tolerance Carmy, someone of us actually have hangovers you freak" Richie retorts

"Yeah yeah, thanks. Fuck- I gotta" Carmen replies, to which Richie nods.

"Go. I'll wrap up anything here" Richie replies, understanding in his voice. You took precedence over pretty much everything in Carmen's life.

"And Carm?"

"Yeah?" Carmen calls out, slipping on his jacket as he turns to Richie

"Tell me when we're going to sort out those bearded wearing flannel ass wipes"

Carmen shakes his head with a smile, before nodding and pushing past the kitchen doors. The traffic lights better be green green fuckin' green tonight.

You were stripped to a singlet and sleeping shorts as you knelt over the toilet, blinking back exhausted tears at the state of you.

You suppose you have no one else to blame but yourself, but the indignation righteousness burns almost as bright as the acid reflux crawling up your throat.

You hear the faint opening and loud clang of the apartment door opening and closing and you sigh in relief as you hear the familiar footfalls of Carmen down the hall.

It had felt damn near torturous suffering without him, and as he calls out to you following the trail of loose clothing he spots your figure in the bathroom sprawled.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry" Carmen says

And it was as if your body needed to finally feel safe in Carmen's presence before you felt the nausea spill out of you and splash offensively into the toilet.

You feel Carmen crouch above you, dragging your hair that had gone loose from it's wrapped up do away from your face. Gently rubbing your back, his large hands softly dipping up and down your spine.

"That's it, 'atta girl. Let it all out" Carmen coo's softly

You purged the insides of your stomach into the toilet bowl, retching loudly with every heave as Carmen comforted you. After what seemed like hours, and the nausea had subsided Carmen carefully wrapped his arms up under your armpits picking you up of the floor.

"Slowly, yeah? You damn near emptied out you're entire water content" Carmen murmurs, flushing the toilet and helping you walk to the basin and wash out the taste of bile from your mouth.

"I probably look insane" You cry out, blinking back exhaustion from your eyes as Carmen shakes his head furiously.

"Never, my pretty girl. Need you to go easy okay? Gonna take you to bed and let you sleep through it. Can't have you collapsing on me" Carmen murmurs, wiping at the edge of your mouth, patting the sweat that stuck to your forehead.

You let Carmen carefully maneuver your body, one arm under your legs and the other supporting your back walking to the bedroom. Your wring dry and can barely keep your eyes open as Carmen placed you on the cool sheets you immediately moan at.

You hear the faint rustle of movement as Carmen brings in a paper bag. The clunk of bottles placed on the bedside table as you sing praise for the very short bit of relief you have before the next bout of nausea rolls in.

Carmen pads to the adjacent bathroom, the door opened so you can see the stream of light that illuminates him. Hes running a cloth under water, squeezing the excess and looking up to check on you every so often.

He looked so...domestic, like he hadn't come back from working at one of the most decorated restaurants in Chicago. Stripped of his shirt so he stood bare chested, golden curls pushed behind his ears, sweatpants hung low on his hips and the furrow of his eyebrows in concentration and worry.

Your eyes flutter shut as you thank the midnight sky for bringing him to you, for keeping him for you, this one good thing that was yours.

The skies answer by the sound of his voice listing off all the things you will not be doing in this stage of recovery. Sitting on the edge of the bed as he places the cool rag against your forehead, lips between teeth as he feels your temperature under his skin.

"Just bone broth, Gatorade and bread sticks for you, doll. And no, before you even think it, its not the garlic ones." Carmen tsks.

You were thinking it. He knew you too well, but when he kisses your eyelids and measures out careful tips of the Gatorade bottle, you don't mind it.

[kimio7]

Fics that defined my love of f1 rpf

In celebration of literally nothing actually, i bring you a fic rec list of some of my favourites!!! very condensed (100+ -> 15 not even including tumblr fics) and im kinda sad i cant put all of my favs down lol but these are like my must reads!!

pleaseeee read these if u havent already its all amazing even if you dont vibe with the ships themselves

Strollonso:

silver platter by atwater | E | 9k

Literally the first fic I've ever read and basically got me into this fandom (and ship). Theyre both so unhinged and amazing it's a very fun read. Probably the best written lance ive every read.

Make Sound by antimonyandthyme | E | 1k

Makes me so fucking insane no notes this is just amazing oh my god

I make two grand an hour by Kaytheologie | E | 3k

Literally so hot and so amazing. lance is so bitchy in this one is great. amazing writing and amazing premise, literally inspired me to sketch out something right after (might finish it at some point)

Sewis:

provenance by ecorone | M | 18K

Literally the fic that introduced and made me fall in love with sewis. it wrecked me like i still havent recovered at all. the writing itself is just, i vibe to it so much

The Numbering at Bethlehem by Kaytheologie | E | 26k

might be one of my favourite fics, ever. what a masterpiece genuinely the environment is just so immersive and lush. ive reread it a dozen time and it never gets old

Brocedes:

you're my purple candy high by nothoughtsjustvibes | M | 5k

baby's first brocedes 🥹 started my love affair with emotional destruction. ruined me when i just first read it and ruined me every time after that. The writing is so profound and laid out their tragedy bare.

the torture of small talk with someone you used to love by finedae | T | 2k

baby's first nico fic!! it also destroyed me!! i think this is the one that made me join f1br bc i was just so obsessed with the writing i needed to know what the author was like lol.

3344:

special research vessels by ecorone | M | 15k

listen i thought this ship wouldve been more popular than it is LOL or at least not as hated. regardless, i love this fic so much. I love the environment, I love the dialogue, the characterization, everything. It's just such an amazing reading experience

matchstick people by ecorone | E | 60k

if you havent noticed by now, im obsessed with this author. the prose, the characterizations, how beautifully the magical realism of it all was realized. horror as a genre is so underutilized in fanfics as a whole but when its done, its done amazingly. love love love

Others:

crude generalisations and vulgar simplifications by crescenteluce | E | 14k | Alexander Albon/George Russell

This fic is THE galex fic for me. it so funny and the writing is so witty its just fun to read. love the way the environment is constructed and it everything just feels so real. amazing

it's more than I can bear: this interminable want, turning and turning. by Anonymous | E | 2k | Fernando Alonso/George Russell

The vibes are rancid, the ships are niche, the writing is good. what more do you need? i love reading this and i love thinking about this.

Amen by sirius | M | 9k | Fernando Alonso/Lewis Hamilton

THE ferwis fic is my mind and mad me unreasonably obsessed with this ship. its so well written- like i love the characterization so much it makes me insane.

on golden sands bysionisjaune | T | 6k | Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg/Sebastian Vettel

Listen, this and the ships that go sailing are both just amazingly entertaining fics. its objectively such a good read and i enjoy spending my time reading it. its just so fun!

steal the air out of my lungs (make me feel it) by nahco3 | E | 26K | Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen

My favourite medical au fic!! ever!!! everything is just so well realized and the characterization is just spot on!! love everything about this fic and nothing i say can fully explain how amazing this fic is!!!

Shutter Speed byantimonyandthyme | E | 18k | Sebastian Vettel/Mark Webber

got me into photography lol. made me purchase my first actual camera. dont know what else to say its just that amazing

[makotafi]

Late nights

----

----

It was late at night when you heard the familiar creak of the door to your shop. The soft rustle of footsteps followed, accompanied by a sigh. You didn’t need to look up to know who it was.

Julian let out another heavy breath as he stepped into the dimly lit room, his silhouette barely visible in the soft glow of the candles iluminating the shop . He froze when he noticed you standing by the counter, arms crossed.

"O... oh? Darling, whaaaaat are you doing up this late?" Julian stammered, his voice carrying a mix of surprise and guilt. He averted his gaze, clearly flustered.

"I should be the one asking that," you replied, arching an eyebrow. "You're late, Julian."

"Darling, dear, I'm always late," he chuckled, trying to play it off as he hung his coat on the nearest hook.

"Julian..." you sighed deeply, the disappointment evident in your tone.

"Okay, okay," Julian admitted, raising his hands in mock surrender. "Maybe I’m later than usual, but only because we had so many people at the clinic tonight. It’s been.... hectic ya know ?."

You softened slightly but kept your stern gaze. "Julian, we’ve talked about this. You’re working yourself too hard!"

He looked at you, his usual mischievous glint now replaced with guilt "I know, dear, but it’s hard to say no when people need help."

You sight stepping closer, gently taking his hand in yours. "I’m not mad, Julian. I’m just worried about you. You can’t ...haah...you can't keep running yourself into the ground like this."

Julian seemed to melt at your touch, his tension easing as he intertwined his golved fingers with yours. "I’m sorry, love. I don’t mean to worry you. I just... I guess I don’t know how to stop."

"How about this," you suggested, squeezing his hand gently. "Take a break tomorrow. We can make it a date, just the two of us.Please?"

A tired but genuine smile spread across Julian’s face. "I... haha, you know I can’t say no to you. But can we go to bed now? I am positively exhausted."

"Only after you take a shower," you teased, scrunching your nose. "You stink, Julian."

"Aww, but I thought you liked me in all my stinky, grimy glory," Julian protested, dramatically draping himself over you.

"Julian!" you laughed, struggling to keep the both of you from tumbling over. "Go take a shower, damn it!"

"Fiiiine," he groaned after a moment, dragging out the word as he stood up. "But you’re coming with me."

"Wha-" before you could protest, Julian swiftly scooped you up into his arms, carrying you towards the small washroom at the back of the shop.

"Julian!" you squealed, half-laughing, half-protesting as he carried you effortlessly. "Put me down! You’re going to hurt yourself silly !"

"Not a chance," he grinned, his exhaustion momentarily forgotten as he carried you through the door. "Besides, I need someone to scrub my back."

He finally set you down inside the washroom, the sound of the water beginning to run as he prepared the shower. You couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him, so disheveled yet still managing to look like the most beautiful person in the world ,the way way his hair draps perfectlyover his face ,the way his shirt draps perfectly over his paper white skin .

"You’re impossible," you muttered fondly, watching as he began to strip off his grimy clothes.

"And you love me for it," Julian shot back with a wink.

---------------‐-----------

Idk how to write a shower scene lol but if yall want I can make a part 2 [after I research how to write a shower scene cus tehe <:3]

ALSO THIS I MY FIRST TIME WRITING READER X CHARACTER sooo criticism is welcome! >:3 [be nice or I'll cry jk jk ]

Also !!! Smol thanks to @wxnderdream and @blueblobbing for encouraging me to post this tehe 👉👈 [sending yall virtual kisses]

Oki I've rambled enough lol ama go sob in the corner for being cringe

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for converting to another religion?

Also just so i can find this im gonna type a word.

'DUCK'

Names are fake

I (FTM, minor but not really but yeah, i'll be a legal adult in no time so will by boyfriend, also I'm closeted to everyone except my boyfriend so assume any treatment i get will be with me as a woman) am agnostic. I don't hate religion at all, i respect and understand believers and when invited i participate in religious activities mainly doing it out of love for the person or because they seem genuinely fun.

Anyway, i have this boyfriend, Kenny, who i love very very much. I wouldn't say our relationship is 'perfect' because that is impossible, but we are close, happy, communication is good, i wouldn't ask for more. He makes me happy, he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Kenny is jewish, he let me know few days after we started dating because he wanted to be open about it in a serious relationship. I 100% respected that and we had a warm lighthearted chat about it, he knows i'm agnostic, he respects that.

It's been a few years, and Kenny's family grew to love me.

With his family's consent, Kenny invited me to a few religious activities with them which i enjoyed doing because we were all in a happy mood. Over time I became comfortable around the family, we're friends now.

Let's skip forward, Kenny and I were having a conversation late at night cuddling in bed, and he brought up religion. We kept chatting, until he asked me if i would be interested in converting to Judaism.

I was kinda shocked when he asked that, one of the few moments he genuinely did something i didn't expect. I stay quiet, before answering with a low "I don't know, maybe?"

We leave the topic there, he wasn't mad or anything, instead he nodded and we just kept chatting about other stuff still cuddling.

It's been a few weeks after that, and the question is still there in my little brain. I've been doing research on Kenny's religion to have a better understanding of the question he gave me, and honestly? Doesn't sound like a bad idea, i'm up for it.

I brought it up to Kenny and he seemed glad that I actually remembered the question. It's nice to see everything is taken calmly.

However, part of the hesitation came from my doubts about changing 'religions'. I don't think agnosticism is like a proper religion, i mean it's not even Atheism level. But i have an understanding of how religions work from my Catholic childhood, i was raised Catholic. So if i'm correct most religions are given by birth, I feel like it would be an AH move to break the rule over an idea my boyfriend brought up.

His family seems okay with the whole thing though, so i have mixed feelings.

Is there actually an AH part of the decision, or am i overthinking it?

(sorry for bad English)

What are these acronyms?

[elliereject]

angst while I work on smth big :p

stardust

“Did you know we’re made of stardust?”

“That’s not true…” You mumbled.

“Yes it is, I fucking swear.”

“Really? How?”

You and Ellie were sat in the green expanse that was the field behind your house, gazing up at the stars and reminiscing about life, as best friends do. You were staring at the sky and she was staring at you when she blurted out the random fact. She sat up, leaning her weight on one hand so she could see you better,

“Research shows-”

“Fucking nerd.”

“Shut up! Research shows, that 97% of the human body consists of stardust.”

“And what’s “stardust” exactly?”

“Oxygen, Carbon, Potassium-”

“So in that case are bananas also made of stardust?”

She huffed and threw her head back to which you laughed. “Sorry, sorry, keep going. I love when you get all nerdy about space.”

She rolled her eyes but she was suddenly grateful for the darkness that engulfed the two of you so you couldn’t see the blush that crept up her face. “As I was saying, they’re made off all the same things we are and since technically they came first, we’re basically made from them.”

“Huh,” You hummed, “That’s actually really cool.”

“Right?” She tucked her knees into her chest and tried her best not to glance back at you cause she could’ve sworn your eyes were on her.

“Hey, Ellie-”

“You know what I really like about stars, though?”

You didn’t reply but she continued, “How even when they inevitably collapse in on themselves and explode, you’re still able to see their light for years and years.”

“Ellie-”

“And how the death of one, can be the birth of tons of others.”

“Ellie.”

She turned to look at you, her jade eyes glossy and slightly red,

“What’s wrong?” You asked concern and worry framing your face.

“It’s nothing.” She said, rubbing her nose.

“It’s not nothing.” You replied, sitting up to place a hand on her shoulder, “You’ve been acting weird all summer, you know you can tell me anything right?”

Anything? How was she supposed to tell you that she’d been crushing on you the entire summer and it was so bad she felt like she was going to explode? How was she supposed to tell you that when you looked at her or touched or even fucking breathed next to her, her palms started sweating profusely and she got so red she had to blame it on the Jackson heat. Most of all how was she supposed to tell you that she wasn’t actually going back with you but was instead moving to Seattle because she couldn’t bear to see you with your boyfriend for another semester as she’s 100% sure her heart would stop pumping blood to the rest of her body and she’d die right at the campus entrance.

She couldn’t say any of that even though she desperately wanted to because she knows how you would react, you’d give her that pitying look you give to stray cats and little kids who’ve scrapped their knee because you don’t feel the same way and you’d say nothing would change but she knows the two of you would go from weekly sleepovers to passing glances and sparse texts.

So she did what she did best, deflected.

“It’s just that..I entered a raffle.” You nodded along, a little confused but still listening intently like she was telling you the meaning of life

“For a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars..it was the constellation prize.” By the time she finished her sentence, you were rolling your eyes and using the hand that was previously on her shoulder to push her away.

You stood up with an annoyed huff, “Goodnight, Williams.”

She let out a laugh and hoped it didn’t sound as fake to you as it did to her. “I’m sorry, it was a stupid joke.”

“Whatever,” You sighed, stomping over the grass back to your house, “See if I ever ask if you’re okay again.” You were mad but she could see the small smirk and the amusement in your voice that you failed to hide.

“Aww,” She stood up, wiping the grass off her jeans, “Thanks for caring about me!”

Your back was turned to her as you made your way home and you flipped her off which earned you a genuine chuckle, God she was going to miss you.

That night, after she got home, Ellie finished packing up the last of her belongings as well as finally got around to writing her goodbye letter to you, she could’ve just texted you but a letter seemed more appropriate.

In the morning, she gave Joel one last hug before loading up her dusty red ford and starting the drive to her new life, a life without you.

If only she could’ve been there when you strolled up to her house, a little confused on where her car went but you knew she didn’t have plans so you knocked on the door. If only she could’ve been there when Joel opened the door and silently handed you that letter. If only she could’ve been there to see the way your hands shook and tears fell as you read the words over and over again in disbelief. Maybe then she would have realized the feelings you’ve been harboring for her were the same, maybe then you would have been hers.

Maybe, in another life.

— ★

[fatuismooches]

Ohhhh vulnurable Dottore 😶 What if this is a moment when he realises he can't heal us? He's trying and trying and trying, using all accessible methods (smt questionable and anti-sciense) but n o t h i n g works, there is no way to make us feeling better. And a new reality breaks him down, this is his breaking point.

But you're a sweet, lovely soul, you understand everything and never blame him for failures. When he's crying all you can do is holding and kissing him.

(uhhh finally I'm brave enough to reveal myself haha 😬 I was that anon with several Pantalone's hcs about him speaking French and a reader changing their ring to simple one 🙈)

The crashes that came from Dottore's private lab were so loud it probably echoed throughout the entirety of the whole research building. And it wasn't the sound of an experiment gone wrong exploding, or something fell down by accident, or perhaps some screaming, no. It sounded like something was being forcefully destroyed, on purpose too at least with how much crashing and banging there was. And you just had a horrible feeling about it.

You were right.

You didn't even bother knocking on the door, instead just shoving it open before you called out his name, although you cut yourself off when you saw the state his lab was in. It was a dreadful mess. There wasn't one thing that hadn't faced his frightening strength. The desk and bookshelves had tumbled to the ground, the chairs had been snapped in half... somehow, but considering his power that shouldn't be surprising. Even the operating tables were damaged, glass on the floor from the breaking of his tools and capsules. On the floor, you could read all of the documents scattered around, at least the ones that weren't torn to shreds. The books from the toppled bookshelf? All dedicated journals to your condition over the years. The photos on the floor? Pictures of your body, internally and externally. The random bottles on the floor? Prototype medicines that didn't work with your body. And all at the center of it was your husband. Dottore. Or rather Zandik, as you called him when it was just the two of you. His back was turned to you as he didn't seem to acknowledge the mess around him or even you. You slowly walked towards him, your heart already hurting as you were pretty sure you knew what this was all about.

"Zandik, look at me, please." Dottore's fingers twitched at your words, but then he balled them up, not able to bring himself to face you. You had no choice but to walk in front of him instead. "Zandik, I-" you paused abruptly when you saw his face. Zandik was crying.

He was like a statue. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He didn't sob. He merely looked at you, tears gliding down his cheeks completely unmoving and expressionless. You were speechless. In all your centuries of being with Dottore, you had never seen him cry. You've seen him genuinely happy, genuinely mad, genuinely sad - but never any tears, not even remotely. But here he was crying in front of you anyway... because of you.

The state his office was in was surely no state for you to comfort him, not with the chairs and desks toppled and in shambles... so you silently took his balled hand in yours and peeled away his fingers, allowing you to hold his hand. You led him to his own room (which was connected to his own lab, you know he can't be separated from his research) and he followed you, this time not putting up a fight. You two sat down on his bed and you immediately pulled him against your chest, holding him. Dottore remained unmoving for a bit, until he reciprocated and wrapped his arms around you carefully, as if you would disappear at any second. It was a very silent moment, as neither of you said anything for a long time. And well... it was kind of a learning experience for you too. You couldn't do much besides this but... you hoped it helped. But you needed to say something too...

"Zandik," you murmured, pulling him away from your chest which was only damp now, it seemed like he stopped crying a while ago. Though he still had that empty expression on his face. You reached to take off his mask but his arm quickly grabbed yours before you could even touch it. Ah, of course, he didn't want you to see him. He didn't even want you to know about this in the first place, probably. But that simply wouldn't do. "Zandik," you repeated again, "let me see you. Please," your fingers glossed over his cheek tenderly. "It's only me here, you know," the metal of your wedding ring felt cold against his skin, "And I'm not going to give up or leave, love." You hoped the look in your eyes read - it's okay to be vulnerable, Zandik. Please just be you when you're with me. The Harbinger gritted his teeth and held your waiting arm a little harder, as your other one came to cup his cheek. It wasn't easy to break him down, but eventually, he reluctantly let you go.

You took the mask off and set it to the side, focusing on your lover's expression. His eyes always told so much. And this time, they looked very, very tired. Though even still, his gaze was cast off to the side. But, this time you wouldn't force him. Dottore still acted high and mighty even in his lesser moments. He didn't like being seen like this. He was supposed to be the Doctor, the one who controls the game and has all the power. Not a vulnerable boy who was the opposite, who could have anything in the world except this one thing - your cure.

"It's alright," you whispered, kissing his forehead. "I'm alright." You kissed the corners of his eyes this time, a tiny bit red from crying. "Okay?" This time you went for his lips, and although he took a few seconds to reciprocate, he slowly kissed you back. As if he would never be able to kiss you again, neither of you let go. "There's no need to worry, I'm here," you combed your fingers through his hair. "I know that no matter what happens, I'll be next to you. I love you." Dottore didn't respond nor did he look at you. But he heard it. And he crept his hand under your shirt as he placed his fingers above your heart, counting the beats. His way of reassuring himself you were still alive. And for now, that was enough.

A part of you wanted to apologize. Apologize for putting this burden on him. If only you... were not you. If you could be someone else, then Dottore wouldn't have to invest so much into you. You know he loves and adores you how you are but- you know it's not the time to go down into those thoughts. Instead, all you need to do right now is comfort your beloved. Make him know that you see him. You love him. You accept him. You believe in him. And that regardless of all the failures he may endure, nothing would ever make you love him any less.

...

UM HI HELLO. Thank for this idea omggg i went through all stages of pain 😭 AND YOU WROTE THOSE OTHER HCS TOO?? Gosh you have such *chef's kiss* amazing ideas I LOVE THEM !!

[windvexer]

dear chicken, if its not too much trouble, could i ask for your advice on a situation that's troubling me a lot as of late? my spiritual practice has been suffering due to my being torn between so many different interests and areas of hyperfocus, and i'm unsure how to reconcile all the different things that i'm drawn to but are so culturally different. for example, i'm in love with traditional english folk magic/witchcraft, and have done a lot of research on the regional folklore of places my ancestors are from. at the same time, however, i'm also in love with orphism, and feel no greater contentment and purpose than when i dream about devoting myself to the greek gods. to say nothing about historical/cultural differences and potential disrespect (ancient greece having very different ideas on what constituted "witchcraft" and whether or not it was hubris, for example) i'm just not sure how to even go about reconciling how these would work together as part of a practice. genuinely, i feel distressed, stuck, and as if i am simultaneously letting down my ancestors /and/ those who historical practices i have put on a pedestal.

Hi, Anon.

Do you think it's possible that you might have very unrealistic standards for what it actually means to practice your faith?

Because, please forgive me if I'm wrong, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you might be making up a ton of rules for yourself.

Have your ancestors visited you and told you they would be disappointed in you if you practiced anything other than English folk magic? If so, why do you hold their opinions to be higher than your happiness? If so, what steps have you taken to reconcile your relationship with your ancestor and reach a place of mutual understanding so they won't be upset with you for doing what makes you happy?

Approximately one billion modern witches practice witchcraft and intentionally include the Greek gods in their witchcraft, or, have a faith centered around the Greek gods and practice witchcraft on the side. A Greek goddess has personally helped me with my witchcraft even though I'm not even a pagan.

Is there anything that makes you feel that you in particular would disrespect the gods by doing this, even though other people do it and it improves their relationship with the gods?

(I also just now remembered Hekate, isn't she like, the highkey Greek goddess of witchcraft? Why wouldn't she want you to both venerate the Greek gods and practice witchcraft?)

If the gods have told you that you can't practice folk magic without disrespecting them, what steps have you taken to understand why they have this special rule for you that they do not have for other people? Have they told you that this is temporary, or permanent? When you've offered solutions, what did they say?

And if these assholes are all banding up on you telling you that you can't do what makes you happy and weaponizing their disappointment to make you fall in line, why do you want to work with any of them at all? You deserve better.

But, Anon, I secretly suspect that none of that has happened. I suspect that you might have just made up a lot of rules for yourself and decided everyone will be mad at you unless you dedicate yourself to 1 thing and do it 100% perfectly.

I'm not saying that sometimes ancestors don't bully people into following a certain path, or that gods ask for very special levels of devotion once your relationship gets to a certain point. But I'm also not suspecting that this is the case for you.

It's just that, I dunno. To me it sounds like you're acting like any particular path you take is like locking yourself inside of a monastery to the exclusion of all else, like instead of starting out chill, you're wanting to start out as a devotee initiate ready to take lifelong vows.

Instead of just like, praying to Hermes to help with traffic and then later that week giving your ancestors a meal.

You're saying you don't know how this would look in practice, which makes me worry that you're trying to write a textbook about how to do your practice without ever actually having learned the material.

You can never know what it looks like before you do it.

You are not supposed to able to envision a complete, polished pathway before you put your hiking boots on.

You don't even need to be able to see around the first corner.

Toad charm to cure a cold, veil to limit Miasma. Pray to the ancestors, then to Zeus. I don't see the conflict. And if Apollo gets mad at you for doing your ancestral coffee grind readings because it isn't Greek enough for him, sort that out when it happens.

But wait until it happens before you worry about it.

[covetedbrother]

most days i’m like “yeah i’m pretty over my ‘sam is me i’m him we are the same and he’s also my bbg my son and my dad’ phase” and then i see one (1) bad take about him and i genuinely get murderous and i’m like “ah. nevermind”

what the fuck has he ever done????

(insane samgirl ramblings under the cut bc i’m losing my fucking mind)

if you’re mad at sam for starting the apocalypse: you’re telling me that if you were dealing with the effects of dying, watching your brother die, addiction, and actively being manipulated by your DEALER and also genuinely operating under the belief that that killing a demon would be a good thing, that you wouldn’t have killed that demon?

this bothers me especially bc sam broke seal 66. because he thought it would prevent the apocalypse. dean broke the first seal. because he tortured ppl in hell!!!!!

leaving for college: imagine getting mad at an 18 year old for leaving to go to stanford on a full ride scholarship. he did that in a “household” where he never lived in the same place for more than 6 months. ever. and his only family members thought it was emasculating to do well in school.

“choosing ruby over dean”: hey. hey. look at me. imagine the person you love most in the world. that you have a toxic codependent relationship with to the point of literally getting murderous if you are separated by more than a room without your choice. you’ve known each other for forever. you’ve killed for him. he’s your brother. you have spent a full year trying to figure out how to save his life. now imagine watching him die knowing he did it to save you. and you can’t get him back. now you are actively suicidal and someone comes along and acts almost just like him and offers you this thing that gives you the power to kill the things that killed him. this person says that you have the power to stop a horrible thing from happening. you believe her. and then your brother comes back from the dead and he’s. different. he doesn’t trust you anymore. and the person who gave you power tells you that it’s because he’s being lied to and manipulated to start the tragedy you are bent on preventing. so you’re hurt and scared and trying to save the world so, just this once, you choose to work with someone other than him.

the shit that happened in s8: again. same scenario as above but now you’ve both killed and died for each other multiple times. you’ve endured over centuries of torture by the devil himself and have just started recovering from the hallucinations that you had of the literal devil torturing you and telling you that you can never feel happy bc this is just another way of torturing you. making you feel happy for a moment only to bring you back and hurt you. then your brother disappears into a pile of black goo in front of you. you have no idea how or why. you do months of research and come up with exactly nothing. life without him isn’t worth living. you’re about to drive your car off a bridge. the car you grew up with him in, the one you both engraved your initials into when you were 8 and 10. with the legos shoved into the vents that you’ve never been able to take out. you’re not paying attention so you hit a dog. shit. he doesn’t deserve to die. not like you. you take him to the vet. his medical bills need to be covered by someone. it can only be you. the vet there treats you like you deserve to live, to be loved. you fall for her. you move in together and adopt the dog you hit. maybe,,,, just maybe,,, you can be happy.

and then your brother comes back. and he’s best friends with a vampire… the vampire’s name sounds like yours.

and your brother is mad at you. then your girlfriend discovers the husband she thought was dead is alive. your brother wanted you to break up with her anyways. you’d do anything for him. always. he doesn’t forgive you. it’s what you deserve.

you take on the trials of hell to try and do something right. it’s actively killing you. every day you wake up and cough lungfuls of blood into the sink. it’s fine. these trials will probably kill you, but it’ll be ok. you’re finally doing something right. the final trial requires you to confess your greatest sins in a church. you spend hours there, and the biggest sin you confess is disobeying your brother. you confess the times you’ve let him down. you’re clean now. you’re ready to die, ready to stop any demon from ever coming to earth again. and your brother calls you an idiot and stops you because he doesn’t want to watch you die. but by now, your body is going to die with or without completing the trials. your brother coerces you into being possessed without your knowledge for a year in order to keep you alive. the thing possessing you kills your friend. your brother blames you for it. it’s fine. he cares. you know he does. he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t care.

it never. ends. THERE ARE FIFTEEN FUCKING SEASONS OF THIS SHIT

ARE YOU MAD AT HIM FOR TRYING TO GET DEAN TO NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC? TO EAT BETTER?

MAYBE YOU’RE MAD AT HIM FOR THINKING THAT THE PERSON WHO MADE FUN OF YOU FOR DOING WELL IN SCHOOL WOULDNT KNOW WHO VONNEGUT IS?

FOR NOT FALLING TO HIS KNEES AND WORSHIPPING DEAN EVERY TIME HE ENTERS THE ROOM?

are you mad at him for forgiving his father?

maybe you’re mad because dean had bad things happen to him that didn’t happen to sam.

are you mad at the man who got into stanford on a full ride scholarship and was about to get into law school before he dropped out for thinking of himself as smart?

i think they’re mad at him bc he’s not a perfect brother who gives into dean’s codependent tendencies 100% of the time. dean has a codependent personality, and sam has a rebellious streak of independence a mile wide. his rebellion just looked like choosing school over hunting, or studying over weapon training, or reading over sparring. not that he didn’t also do those things, he just also did other things.

[ceo-draiochta]

A review of:

The Origins of Ireland's Holy Wells by Celeste Ray

Celeste Ray, a professor of anthropology for the University of the South, USA wrote this book after extensive research, both desk and foot into Irelands Holy Wells. I would honestly recommend anyone with any interest in Irish religious practices, culture, paganism, or mythology to pick it up. An amazing book. I'll be giving my thoughts and what I liked and didn't like about it here.

What I liked:

A very well researched book that shows the authors dedication not just to anthropology but to the living practices she is documenting

The passion of the author is clear and they Mince no words when discussing other researchers and their work, pointing out the flaws, misconceptions and biases (some of which were wild I can't believe some of these people are taken as authorities on the subject when their conclusion was that wells are a toilet metaphor?)

Uses a wider pre roman European context for the evidence. As we are so often reminded, to treat Ireland as some how separate from Western Europe is ridiculous and is a disservice to the interconnection of the people of old.

The reframing of this idea, which is normally used as a strong force against nativist views into a supportive one was quite interesting.

Examines roman writings in a very balanced way that acknowledges the inherent propaganda but does not dismiss it outright.

There's a whole section of people including academics who seems desperate for a roman invasion of ireland, despite there being basically no evidence of it. Like people are fully making things up to try and force one, the author gives these people a sound dismissal in their restating of the evidence of raiding and trade over large-scale roman conquest. (Genuine question can someone explain why people are so mad for Romans in ireland?)

I thus learned more about pre roman Western European practices and archeology than I ever really had the desire to. I am now much more educated on the subject.

The framing of sites as important locations adopted and readopted based on shifting circumstances of the time rather than a "secret unbroken line" which is much more realistic.

The explanation of Holy Wells as archaeologically challenging sites was well explained.

Using etymology in the connection of wells to supernatural beings. Love etymology so this was amazing

The use of early irish literature to support existing claims. Which I know claiming that there are pagan elements in the literature basically gets you spat and jeered at but nevertheless is really compelling.

While this blog has been thoroughly against the lumping together of celtic cultures, this book makes a great case as to when it is appropriate to use the term celtic and that the rush to replace this term has very much resulted in the baby being thrown out with the bath water.

Actually engages with living culture and treats folklore and living sources/practices as evidence to be considered rather than "silly little irish peasants" but also does not take every tale as completely accurate literal history.

Plenty of examples and pictures of well in practice today.

Supports a general pre Christian, pre roman use of wells and springs as sacred sites but also acknowledges the influence of both (especially Christian) on the practice.

Acknowledges the diverse origins of holy wells, from one's that have have votive offerings since the bronze age to ones that were made sacred in the modern age.

Does not buy into any sort of "Christians are thieves" narrative.

Honestly this seems like the definitive book on irish holy wells.

What I didn't like:

While I loved the book there was definitely things I took issue with.

The assertive nature of the tone was entertaining, it did sort of feel like the author was this close to calling other researchers "fucking idiots", though humanities papers seem to have a much more aggressive tone than I am used to from my field of study.

The author makes many an interesting and compelling hypothesis in the book, but they are just that. These theories are then presented as the fact of the matter when really they are no more or less substantiated than the other theories.

Could have done without some of the "identity politics" on the celtic question section. Like I get that's a huge part of this authors work but I didn't feel it was all necessary to include.

Some of the mythological comparisons seem like a little bit of a stretch Low-key.

Either way this is a fantastic work and I urge everyone even remotely interested to buy it, it's a little pricey but well worth it. It can be purchased online on Google books(link). Now obviously this is all from my lay perspective, if anyone with actual qualifications wants to correct or argue feel free. This is just my perspective.

[horrorknife]

hi ! sorry if this sounds weird but like

i stumbled upon one of your hoffheight posts and I'm so. genuinely fascinated ?? like, i THINK i understand it (I've certainly put them in a microwave and stared at them for the past few days) but i want to "get it right", if that makes ANY amount of sense. I want to interpret them correctly, I think is a better way to phrase it (it's 2am nothing I say will make more sense and I apologize for that.)

I think in a post you mentioned them being like, reflections of each other or something, which, I didn't realize but shit yeah?? they are aren't they. something about being on hair triggers or whatever. GOD they fascinate me so much I need you to understand how much this dynamic intrigues me. having them both be unstable in their own rights (esp with anger issues and all) it just. I love that ?? it's so fun!! I keep spinning them in my mind !!!

I think you also mentioned them being some flavor of qpr and as someone who's aromantic I. god qpr's my beloved. I really need them to be an evil qpr. that means a lot 2 me. ESPECIALLY if it's not even mentioned, but it definitely is a qpr. in my head Adam would have the potential (still not likely) to know what a qpr is, but he would never label it as that. at least not verbally. I love when there's a silent agreement that two people are definitely not romantic but labelling something as platonic is insincere. they're a secret third option don't worry about it !!!

sorry for dumping this into your inbox, I have a lot of thoughts and assumed it'd be mildly funny if I just left them with you. do with that what you will. I hope you have a nice day and thank you for the food for thought

[bonus ask that's ACTUALLY an ask and not just the ramblings of a mad man, do you have any fic recommendations of the two? for research, of course]

HI!!!! oh my fucking god anon you have no idea how excited and happy this makes me . *little cat running around in circles moment* 

so like. i imagine there’s this cord between them and neither of them understand it. they can both just Smell the sameness on each other, the familiarity of deepset rage and suffering and loneliness. adam’s young and impressionable and hoffman would be able to use him to his advantage. hoffman would love this guy. my characterization of adam post bathroom is lonely, detached, and even angrier than before so he gets into fights for the self destructive nature of the thing and hoffman would LOVE how unhinged he is (we all saw how much hoffman seemed to admire/get obsessed w strahm and that guy is Nuts). they’re the same kind of prey animal! they have the same fear of abandonment!!

something something the way they both die in the same spot, attached to the same pipe, forced to watch as LAWRENCE (OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!) abandons them for dead. adam is desperate for life adam is in a game rigged against him. hoffman fights and fights and gnashes and thrashes against this the entire series and yet he ultimately has no choice but to succumb to it, he dies the same horrific way adam did, alone and abandoned and feeling that same primal prey animal fear. there's something to both of them being lawrence's only (CANONICAL) victims (brad, ryan, and dina are lawrence's vics to me. but that's a different post) there's something to the way that adam dies in the first film and haunts the narrative forever and the person who reprises that role is HOFFMAN of all people. the way that this comes full circle is really really delicious to me

adam's camera is his buffer from the real world, it's how he processes things, he's at his best when he's unnoticed and free to Watch. guys we're not doing enough with the voyeur thing. guys. adam catalogs information adam loves holding secret knowledge. in a similar way, hoffman is holding a knife between himself and the real world, he's processing everything through a layer of violence before all else because he can't risk human connection anymore. all of his relationships are made through violence and this is of course present here as well because you adam's deepest connections are also facilitated through violence. you can argue that this is true of all saw characters and you'd be right but there's something so specially flavored about it when you look at hoffman and adam next to each other.

hoffman needs Direction From Someone Else in order to be an effective cog in the jigsaw machine–after john dies he just falls apart immediately and gets clumsy and makes stupid mistakes bc at the end of it all hoffman has been robbed of a Normal existence and the thing he really wants most is companionship (again, seen in the way he interacts w rigg and strahm–he communicates his ‘affection’ in adversarial ways to keep them hooked + offers them genuine chances at survival but they’re both too clouded and Against Him for it to work. king of misjudging situations) and direction. i think if he even had a LITTLE help he’d be a lot better at being jigsaw

conversely, adam is this poor, broke 25 year old clinking pennies together in his shithole apartment. and he has the same stripping of purpose hoffman does. he doesn’t communicate with his family anymore (for undisclosed reasons but this is one of my personal pinpoints for bi/transmasc adam), effectively abandoned by them, and we know that his one namedropped friend (his “BEST” friend btw) is a piece of shit TO him and ABOUT him. adam gets walked all over and he lives at the universe’s disposal to kick the shit out of. he’s been abandoned or mistreated by everyone significant in his life. hoffman is a well off and well respected cop with a whole department of people who highly respect him but he’s empty inside bc he’s incapable of having any meaningful relationships the moment he gets involved with john. he has to fully wall himself off again because it’s too risky to get close to other people. imagine your only worldly thread of understanding from another person ends up being the serial killer you’re chasing/impersonating. and he hates you.

adam’s a genuinely understanding and kind person under his defensiveness, we all know this, we’ve all seen saw 2004. he’d be kind to hoffman and hoffman would see stars. he forgot people were capable of treating him like a normal person. having hoffman warm up to you is the equivalent of having a crochety old man who hates everyone share apple slices with you. you’re a little nervous about it, you’re a little on edge, but he’s just cutting out his apple slices and handing you one every so often. a test of trust. maybe you’re uncomfortable but you’ll take his offering to be polite. you’ll enjoy his company, you’ll share that apple with him, you’ll forge a new bond with that person. this is the type of companionship im kind of getting at. 

um but yeah . rambling aside. back on track. unspoken/unaware qpr hoffheight is THE THING to me. yes we love each other yes we’d kill for each other no we’re not in love. we have a secret third thing and it’s called I Have To Keep This Guy Safe Right Fucking Now Because He Matters To Me More Than I Can Understand. OH mid paragraph im remembering something important. this absolutely all takes place within a sphere of hoffman and adam’s relationship starting with hoffman making adam his apprentice. i feel like that might have been obvious up there ^ but i want to be very clear w my intentions and my vision. KJDFSJKDF. ALSO oh my god . fuckkkkk fuck  fuck fml i think hoffman thinks 2 himself that angelina would probably have liked adam and that definitely endears him to the guy. 

like you said yeah i think adam has the Potential to know what a qpr is (but i dont think he does know)!! if anything he would ultimately just recognize it as an inherently special and inherently queer relationship…auuuu………i know i didnt get too into the evil parts of them too much here but thats cuz it would make me end up writing a 6k essay on them or something. just know that they do butt heads a lot because at the end of the day theyre from completely different universes and adam is an ODD/BPD king.

god . i could really just go on and on and on and on about them. i have so much more to say LOL but this is already a bit of a wordy response >__< i just have such a clear vision of their vibe and dynamic in my mind. it comes to me like sherlock visions. i’m being pelted with big times new roman font things that say shit like ���HOFFHEIGHT GAY SEX” “They Are Everything To Each Other In A Codependent Ass Way” 

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK BY THE WAY I UM. GOT SO FUCKING EXCITEDD WHEN I READ IT AKJDNJAKLDNVSJKFNFDKGNVDFK. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THESE TWO ARE TO ME . YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SICK AND FUCKED UP I AM OVER THEM LOLLLLL. asks that made me get up out of bed at 6:30 in the morning because i was too excited and woke up fully 

if u have more questions or u wanna rap abt this more PLEAAAAASE feel free 2 send more asks or reach out via messages i love discussing my evil plots with them. i am literally ALWAYS locked and loaded and ready to talk about hoffheight. anon i unfortunately do not have fic recs because i do not like reading fanfiction. im incredibly particular about characterization and i’m a little bit of a writing snob. i don’t trust them in anyone else’s hands for fic if i’m being honest. i don’t think anyone else’s vision will fully align with mine and i’m too autistic to risk seeing that be done wrong. i’ll get too emotional KJDNKJSNFJ

[wolfsbanesparks]

I had a sudden great need to talk about Captain Marvel and his villains with you, bc something about them seemed connected in a grander scheme of things to me and it's late at night right now but I needed to sing about this

Dr. Sivana - (movie version) A man who in his childhood was teleported against his will and essentially temporarily kidnapped to a strange and horrifying place in the middle of the night, forced to be tested for something he had no idea about but continued to be called delusional and insane for when speaking about it to anyone. Driving him mad for being unworthy, feeling like he was rotten despite the circumstances out against him were unfair at the time in his eyes. That moment stayed with him permanently, keeping him locked in that memory forever, never truly growing up, but also losing his heart.

Mr. Mind - In most versions he is an alien or magical creature, but in one version I was told about, apparently he was an abused child who loved to read as an escapism. One day he accidentally ended up in a magical room, where he was transformed into what we now know as Mr. Mind. Human experimentation as a child, possibly. Never having a chance to live as a child and forced to grow up into something he did not want to become, but had to.

Chain Lightning - From what I heard from you, Chain Lightning is a girl with multiple personalities, one (or more) of them being villainous in nature, but one of them being genuine and in love with a boy. Trapped in her own body and mind, a child who has no will of her own to live her life as she wants to.

Lady Blaze/Satanus - Children fathered and abandoned by the wizard. For reasons, I do not know yet, I'm still researching, but this sounds like serious issues that caused them to go mad, vengeful that they were not seen as worth anything in their father's eyes to leave them their "rightful inheritance" after his passing.

Sinclair Batson - A reanimated puppet made by Lady Blaze, a wish by Ebeneezer Batson. A false son. No childhood given, no innocence given, just given a purpose to fo as he is told by people he does not know in a world he does not know.

Black Adam - An ancient and crusty old man, who, in his mortal life, murdered his own nephew for the power he coveted and was not meant to be his. He took the life of the child he was meant to protect and love, and yet when the child protected him instead, he returned the act with malice. The boy was chosen as champion, for the sake of the world, an innocent boy, and the world ripped him apart via his own family.

And then, there's Billy Batson. Orphaned, foster child, homeless (depending on the version), and alone. A child that the world does not see and is also against at the same time somehow. He struggles so hard to find a place in the world for himself, but remains pure of heart during all the bad times. He refuses to become as rotten as the people who see him suffering and ignore him. When he is chosen, it is not by his choice. He did not know what he was in for, and became a superhero with more responsibility and power than he was ready for at his young age. He did not consider himself able to have a childhood before, but WITH the powers he had now?? He couldn't ever think about being a kid ever again.

Just. Them. The theme of lost innocence and being forced to grow up, or the event in childhood ruining them forever and that event being the catalyst for so much more.

At one point in all of those origins for those characters, there were children who needed help, guidance, love, understanding, etc. But they were never given any of that, and look at what happened in the end. Billy seems to be the only one who managed to turn out good, but he could have been so different

Sorry if this is a lot and if there's spelling errors or mistakes, this is just something I wanted to talk about for a long time, and something I'll make my own post about at another time, but I felt like you would have great insight on this

Okay so I've been thinking about this all day because childhood innocence (and the loss of it) have always been a central theme of Captain Marvel’s comics.

This got very long so I'm putting my analysis under the cut.

In captain marvel comics, unlike in other places, innocence isn't equated with naivete or stupidity. Billy is a very innocent character in the grand scheme of things, but he's both very competent and savvy to the issues people faced. This childhood innocence, which is reflected in Captain Marvel’s own behavior even when they are separate people, is about doing the right thing, about not succumbing to things like selfishness and anger even when it's tempting to do so.

And your last point about Billy being the only one to turn out "good" is really important because it's why he was chosen to have these powers in the first place! He was pure of heart not just because he was good and kind, but because he continued to be that way even when he faced hardships that can (and often do) lead people down a darker path.

Now let's talk villains.

The movie versions of Billy and Dr Sivana have very clear and explicit parallels with each other. I think his story is the clearest in terms of how a loss of childhood innocence/trauma can haunt a person throughout their life. His lack of control of those circumstances is definitely one of the biggest factors in why he became obsessed with this one moment, a moment he believes his life was unfairly ruined.

I can't say I'm familiar with the version of Mr Mind you mentioned here, but based on what you've mentioned it's really interesting that his appearance and his powers are from something out of his control. Ironically he is now able to control others, continuing the cycle of abuse.

As for Chain Lightning (Amy is the main alter) is like many characters who canonically have DID in that her alters exist in part to protect her inner child (one of her other alters), to take on any pain or suffering in order to keep their childhood innocence in tact.

Lady Blaze and Satanus take after their mother, a demoness who may or may not have used magic to seduce him. His immediate and continued rejection of them, his assumption that they were evil from birth, certainly had an impact on them and the people they became. They never got to be innocent because Shazam wrote them off as evil from the start. Their insistence that they are owed his power and his place in the Rock of Eternity can be read as them longing for connection to a father that abandoned them and proving they were worthy of wielding his powers despite his rejection. (I'm starting to sense an additional theme of needing to feel worthy in Shazam's eyes but that's another post)

Sinclair exists in an unnatural and not fully autonomous state. He is Ebenezer's child first and foremost even if he isn't actually a child at all. He lost his innocence somewhere between death and resurrection.

And then there's Black Adam. There are a number of different versions of his story but all of them revolve around loss. Whether it's the loss of a child (his nephew or son) or the loss of his wife or brother, he gave into his pain. He have up on childish things like doing what's right and let himself be lost to his own worst impulses.

I think on top of the theme of innocence there's also this parallel theme of autonomy, of wanting male your own choices but having someone or something else taking that control away from you. Which definitely resonates with children who often don't have much control of their circumstances.

This was a lot but the English nerd in me loves talking about themes~

[jabberwockprince]

I'm cooking r1999 OC stuff so i need to ramble about it hehehoho rubs my evil hands together

i had to rewrite this because i lost it but i also sound like a madman so i dont expect absolutely anyone to understand my train of thought <3

I OC-fied Tartaglia a few days ago but I just got around to thinking about his whole character and lore, and it hit me that I can just put his ass in Apeiron <3 I'd like to have an OC in each faction but we'll see how much my attention span lasts

BUT! THIS MF.

I want him to be from Apeiron specifically because the idea of an integer or equally valid number within the island acting like the most fucking feral irrational number is so funny to me. a complete betrayal of the scriptures but that somehow ends up making sense, so you cannot be mad because He Still Operates Within What Was Expected. a guy whose entire existence is just ANNOYING AND IRRITATING AND INSUFFERABLE. perhaps he's a fraction, I'm not sure yet. I'm not looking forward to researching numbers to find one that suits him thematically and shit

most likely considered a genius in an unconventional way, not similar at all to 37. more like still following the theme of opposing/overstepping while working within the guidelines. so maybe something to contrast her

37's talent for numbers is explained as an innate ability to see the numbers in everyone and see their true essence, which causes her to be isolated from the physical world and the people of her own community because she does not experience nor care about reality the same way others do. its impossible to try and understand her, because her insight is so vastly unique, but she can still provide solid proof to support her discoveries with no problem at all, as seen when she confirmed Vertin's number is 0. she cares about the scriptures and numbers, and yet she likes taking the chance to discover one's number away from others just because she can be the first one to do it

so im thinking. Aianteia could be the opposite. he cannot see the numbers in people like her, but their true Forms. the perfect geometrical shapes that can only exist in the abstract world of Forms, impossible to achieve beyond a close approximation. and because he essentially sees the "beauty" in people, he cares for the community, he is friendly and often befriends others rather easily. but he can't fucking explain why he sees the world Like That. nor provide any proof as to why someone is This Form or That Form. which renders him totally useless within Apeiron, because of the importance of proof. he cares about people figuring out their number, to discover themselves and whatnot--he cares so much that he will gladly show you which Form you're meant to be, the way the universe intended it

and THIS is when the themes of battle and war and carnage come into play. when it comes to irrational numbers or the impure, Aianteia connects their "floating points" and knows exactly what to do to purify them. to make their bodies as pure as their Forms. im saying that he basically sees fancy ass geometrical shapes and lines that let him know where to start cutting and slashing and killing. this is something he does out of genuine love and care, so that those who cant even DREAM of studying the scripture can get a fair chance at discovering their number, as irrational as it may be. all they have to do is survive

im thinking. that his scars are self-inflicted because he attempted to do the exact same thing to himself. and he survived. and he figured out his number this way. he cannot explain why or how or give proof as to why he knows THIS is his number (in a way, similar to how 37 knew from birth that THIS was her number) but i like to think that 77 took a good look at him and went "hes right." and everyone had to just. accept that this guy, most likely a very young teenager, found out his number THROUGH THE "WRONG" WAY

WHICH. IN TURN. FALLS WITHIN WHAT 37 INSISTS DURING CHAPTER 05--numbers are the eternal truth because no matter when or where or how you prove something, you and the person at the other side of the planet will come up with the same result. Aianteia has an entirely different approach that led to the same conclusion as 77's mother. once again, the issue is that this is something that cannot be corrected nor given proof. relating to the gnosis of an arcanist, and how arcanum is not a viable method of study because it cannot be verified by a third party. my brain is making connections at the speed of SOUND. anyway. the issue is that he's RIGHT. which would make him a fraction, potentially, since 37 describes them like this

Integers are the living examples of virtues. Fractions can be understood through specific means. Irrational numbers are the free spirits, while imaginary numbers are the existence which doesn’t belong to this dimension of the number axis

so he can be understood through specific means, but no one can figure out WHICH means exactly

I do think that he starts out genuinely wanting to help people achieve their purest self, and somewhere down in the middle of the road he started to have a little too much fun with the idea of being the hand that brings Forms to the world of Matters. and then as he spends more and more time outside of Apeiron, it becomes a dog eat dog mentality, whoever survives gets to be their truest, purest Form -> the strongest get to impose their ideals onto the rest. Aianteia SAYS that he's doing this to uphold the scriptures and defend them in the outside world, and this is partially true as a childish leftover desire from his initial journey. but really, its all about getting the shit beaten out of him and beating the shit out of others now to see who earns the right to live

if the Storm has been going on for 7 years, it started when he was 19, so im thinking he was around 14-15 when he left Apeiron during one of those expeditions. and they let him go specifically because pretty much everyone wanted him gone

from what I remember, both Manus and the Foundation existed BEFORE the Storm? so im willing to say that Aianteia joined Manus before the first Storm ever. but i also dont want to think too hard on time logistics because we dont have the full timeline of the game yet

[canonicallyanxious]

Favorite Non-2024 Album Finds

This is my first year making a proper list for albums that were not released in 2024 but i wanted to do it because, as i mentioned in my 2024 albums post, this year i started using a spreadsheet to track my album listening and logged a total of 200 (!!!!!!!) albums for 2024, 130 of which were NOT released in 2024. So it only felt right to make a new list!

My other reason for making a special post: about a year ago i became a co-mod for the album poll blog @haveyoulistenedtothisalbum-poll and it's seriously been a great time getting to know the other mods, researching user-submitted albums, and getting exposed to music i've never even heard of before. ya boi helps maintain the playlist which is how i found the vast majority of the albums that made it onto this list - not all of them, but you can find polls for all of them over there if you want!

And thus in commemoration of my time as a co-mod for a blog that has become very special to me, pls enjoy! full list and notes/ramblings under the cut:

10. Wabi-Sabi - Cross Record (2013) / snippet from my spreadsheet of doom: "This album caters so aggressively to my personal tastes and preferences idek what else to say about it"

9. Process - Sampha (2017) / rec from a non-tumblr friend that i loved so much sampha cracked my top 5 artists list on my spotify wrapped

8. Beloved! Paradise! Jazz!? - Mckinley Dixon (2023) / rec from the beloved @boxesfullofthoughts with incredible flow and lyricism, lush and layered instrumentation, and layers of literary references that all make this a very rewarding listen

7. <I°_°I> [Robot Face] - Caravan Palace (2015) / Caravan Palace is probably one of my favorite artist discoveries from hyltta and this is my favorite album of the three i listened to from them (really saying something, they're all incredibly fun and unique in their own ways)

6. Phantom Rhythm 幽靈節奏 - 工工工 (Gong Gong Gong) (2019) / we love an iconic af partnership between acoustic guitar and bass that creates some seriously interesting and textured rhythms and melodies, punctuated perfectly by distant vocals and atmospherically moody vibes, in this house

5. Blue Weekend - Wolf Alice (2021) / I knew a couple of wolf alice songs before this, but this was their first full album i listened to and probably my personal fave of the line-up (again really saying something bc i think their whole discography is stellar!), there's just the right amount of polish to really make the vocals and lyrics shine but still maintain the raw grittiness of their sound that makes them so appealing

4. Fountain Baby - Amaarae (2023) / had i found this when it first dropped last year it would have absolutely without a doubt made my albums list, the thing i'm most impressed about this record is how it never loses momentum, Amaarae is so lyrically and musically dexterous, i love how effortlessly she switches between vibes song by song and her voice is seriously unreal

3. 加爾基 精液 栗ノ花 [Karuki Zahmen Kuri No Hana -Kalk Samen Chestnut Flower-] - 椎名林檎 [Sheena Ringo] (2003) / really and genuinely i think this album is a work of art

2. Seychelles - Masayoshi Takanaka (1976) / honestly amazed an album from the 70s made it onto this list and this high up to boot, not bc 70s music isn't great but bc my personal tastes tend toward the more recent, but what can i say, the vibes of this album are simply immaculate

1. Demon Days - Gorillaz (2005) / i know i'm disgustingly late to this but like this is one of the best albums of the 21st century and you can't change my mind

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess - Chappell Roan (2023) / people are going to come for me for not putting this on my proper list and i don't even know that they would be wrong for it but all i can say is i listened to a lot of albums and this record which is pop perfection is basically why the honorable mentions section of this list exists at all okay??

Transangelic Exodus - Ezra Furman (2018)

Madvillainy - Madvillain (2004)

Vows - Kimbra (2011)

[velnica]

FFXIV Write 2023: #6 Ring

T | Sanson/Guydelot | 1006 words

Sanson swirled the whisky in his glass with a deep sigh before taking a sizable sip. The barstool made for a poor seat for his exhausted body but he couldn’t muster up the strength to move to a nearby sofa. He'd been awake since five that morning and it was a miracle that he even made it to the hotel tonight. His mad dash to the airport had somehow been successful with literal minutes to spare and if he’d missed it, who knew when the next available flight would have been. 

Oh well that was all in the past now, sore legs notwithstanding. Besides he couldn’t really get too angry at Cid Garlond for going overtime, the man was a delight to watch in action and even more so to interview. Sanson had been wanting to do a research piece on the rising adoption of green Magitek technology, and who better to give him intimate insight than the man spearheading one of the largest project—

The sound of glass sliding on the counter in front of him jolted Sanson from his musing.

“May I join you?” a smooth voice followed and Sanson turned towards the interloper. A Hyuran man leaned against the counter, a charming smile on his handsome face as he pushed the drink towards Sanson. “You look like you could use some company.”

The man’s voice was smooth, aye, but not the kind that Sanson needed to trail down his spine. Still he returned the smile with one of his own for politeness sake. Ignoring the proffered glass of liquor he deliberately lifted his whisky up with his left hand, all the better to show off his wedding ring at the flirt.

The motion didn’t deter him; in fact the man now took a proper seat next to Sanson, though at least he had the wisdom to reclaim the failed gift for himself. That was an improvement. Sanson tried to ignore him, he was too tired by half and wasn’t in the mood to entertain.

“Perhaps you and I could get to know each other—”

“I’m married,” he interrupted, manners starting to slip as fatigue seeped in. The alcohol, of course, only emboldened his ire.

“A small detail that’s oft irrelevant,” the man countered. “The name’s Rodrich, and you are—”

“Amateur,” a condescending voice cut in abruptly, interrupting the Hyur the second time. An Elezen man approached them this time and Sanson sighed, this better not turn hostile on his account.

“I beg your pardon?” Rodrich bristled at the intruder.

“Amateur,” the man repeated with a smirk. “You ain’t gonna get anyone with that kind of pathetic pillow talk, and certainly not a married man.” Rodrich seethed and stood up, though the Elezen’s height negated any kind of intimidation factor that he tried to project.

“Well, I’d like to see you do better then.”

Sanson groaned, so much for this not turning hostile. How dare Rodrich involved him in this chest-thumping competition when he’d firmly displayed his disinterest. But still… He downed the rest of his whisky and turned halfway in his stool to face the squaring combatants. Maybe this was just what he needed for a second wind.

The Elezen’s smirk deepened and he turned towards Sanson, amused blue eyes peeking from under a curtain of messy bangs.

“Say love, how about we make a dash upstairs so I can fuck you into the bed until the sun comes up?”

Sanson flushed beet red and Rodrich floundered like a fish, jaw dropping in shock.

“I’m married, remember.” He lifted his hand and flashed his platinum band, unmistakable now in the dim light of the hotel bar.

“What a coincidence,” the Elezen remarked as he lifted his left hand, “I seem to have a matching ring to yours.”

A genuine smile—a rather amused one at that—graced Sanson’s lips for the first time since he arrived. “Would you look at that? I suppose then yes, you can fuck me into the bed until the sun comes up.” He hopped off the stool to take Guydelot’s hand and pulled him down by their intertwined fingers for a fiery kiss, part-fueled by the whisky and part-fueled by the little bamboozle they just pulled.

“Have a good night Rodrich,” he crooned as Guydelot finally stopped nibbling his bottom lip long enough for him to speak. Without waiting for a reply he tugged his husband away towards the first available lift, and as soon as the door closed he pinned Guydelot against the wall and peppered his jaw with kisses.

“Flirt,” he teased as a rumbling laugh came out of Guydelot.

“You were about ten seconds away from decking the poor man if I hadn’t cut in.” Guydelot pulled him into a hug, rubbing his cheek on top of Sanson’s head. “So, how about it? Still up for me fucking you until sunrise?”

Now it was Sanson’s turn to laugh. “You’ve got zero energy after a concert, my love. How about one round then sleep, and you can do it all again in the morning?”

Guydelot gasped, “Sanson Smyth, are you calling me old?”

“Our relationship is old enough to attend university, Guydelot. We are old,” he replied. The elevator stopped then and Sanson dragged Guydelot behind him once more towards their room, opening the door with fumbling hands as Guydelot tried his hardest to distract him with lovebites on his nape. They tumbled into the bed with a soft laugh and Sanson stradled Guydelot’s hips, marvelling at how they still fit together perfectly twenty years on.

With slow deliberate movement he lifted the hem of his shirt, noting how Guydelot’s breath hitched with every ilm of uncovered skin. He threw the shirt aside and bent down to lavish needy licks onto Guydelot’s ears.

“You have one shot, do your best.”

Suddenly Guydelot made a grab at him and flipped their position around, pinning Sanson down with his taller stature. Sanson swallowed thickly as Guydelot hovered over him, grinning like a wolf who just caught his prey.

“With pleasure.”

[godsfavdarling]

08 poolside pretense

list of chapters, also available on wattpad and Ao3, my masterlist pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!oc summary: Spencer and Brittany go to Las Vegas for the wedding. warnings: none words: 4k

The roar of the plane's engines filled the cabin as Spencer glanced out the window, watching the ground shrink beneath them. 

He could feel the tension radiating from Brittany beside him. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the armrest, her breaths coming in short, shallow bursts.

"Hey, Brittany, look at me," Spencer said softly, placing a reassuring hand on her arm. "We're going to be in Vegas before you know it."

Brittany forced a shaky smile, her eyes flitting nervously between Spencer and the window. "Thanks. I just... I hate flying."

"I know," Spencer replied, “But we’ll be back on the ground before you know it.”

Brittany nodded, her grip on the armrest loosening slightly. "Yeah, you're right. I just need to keep thinking about the wedding."

Spencer leaned back in his seat, racking his brain. "So, tell me more about your family," Spencer prompted gently, sensing Brittany's need for distraction.

Brittany sighed, a hint of exasperation in her voice. "Well, there's my mom, Barbara, and my dad, Brian. And then there's my sisters, Beth and Brooke."

Spencer listened intently as Brittany continued, her words tumbling out in a rush. "It's kind of embarrassing, actually. We all have B names. It's like my parents were on a mission or something."

Spencer couldn't help but chuckle at Brittany's description. "I think it's kind of sweet, actually. It's like your family has its own little theme going on."

Brittany rolled her eyes playfully. "Yeah, well, try telling that to Brooke. She had to go and marry a guy named Ben. Now they have kids named Brandon, Bridgit, and Blaine. The alliteration is out of control."

Spencer grinned, finding it hard to stifle his laughter. "Wow, your family really is committed to the B, huh? What about Beth? Is her fiancé in on the trend too?"

Brittany shook her head, a smirk playing on her lips. "Thankfully not. His name is Chad. It's a welcome break from the alliteration madness."

"What do your parents do? I guess I need to know more details to successfully pull off being your boyfriend."

Brittany laughed as she launched into an animated description. "My dad is a real estate developer, and my mom is a lawyer."

Spencer nodded, impressed by the success of Brittany's parents. "Sounds like they've done well for themselves. Do they still live in Vegas?"

Brittany nodded. "Yeah, they have this huge house in the suburbs, with a pool and everything. It's where we're all staying for the wedding. And Brooke and Beth both followed in our mom's footsteps and became lawyers."

Spencer nodded, intrigued. "That's interesting. Law runs in the family?"

Brittany chuckled. "Yeah, you could say that. Brooke works at a prestigious firm downtown, specializing in corporate law. She's always been the ambitious one, driven to succeed."

"And Beth?" Spencer asked, eager to learn more.

Brittany smiled. "Beth took a slightly different path. She's a paralegal at a smaller firm, but she's just as passionate about her work. She's got this incredible attention to detail that's perfect… for the job."

Spencer nodded, impressed. "It sounds like they're both doing well for themselves."

Brittany nodded. "Yeah, they are. They've always been the responsible ones, while I... Well, let's just say I took a different route."

"Do you like teaching?" Spencer inquired, genuine curiosity lacing his voice.

Brittany paused for a moment, considering her response. "You know I do. It's not always easy, but there's something incredibly rewarding about it. I love seeing young minds working and opening up to new ideas and perspectives."

Spencer nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "I agree. I love it too! It’s incredibly fulfilling."

"It is," Brittany affirmed, a hint of wistfulness in her tone. "Plus I can pursue my own research interests. I get to contribute in my own way."

Brittany's smile faltered slightly, a shadow passing over her features. "But still they don’t quite understand my career choice. My decision to pursue academia... Well, let's just say it hasn't always been met with the same level of enthusiasm. Especially in my field. So if we’re gonna be met with some opinions… ignore them."

As the plane hummed along toward their destination, Spencer and Brittany found themselves deep in conversation about their upcoming role as a pretend couple.

"So, how are we going to present ourselves as a couple?" Spencer asked, his brow furrowing slightly with concern.

Brittany pondered for a moment before responding, "I was thinking we could say we met at work and have been dating for a few months. Maybe we can hold hands and hug sometimes, just to make it believable. Are you okay with that?"

Spencer's initial instinctual reaction flickered across his face briefly before he nodded. "Yeah, I think I can manage that."

"Great, I'm glad you're on board with the plan."

She took a deep breath before continuing, "And don't worry too much about the physical contact. I know you're a bit of a germaphobe. But remember, it's just acting, and it's me and I wash my hands all the time! We'll keep it minimal."

Spencer nodded in agreement, a small smile playing on his lips. "It’s okay. We'll make it work."

Brittany returned his smile, feeling a sense of relief wash over her. "Thanks. And besides, this weekend is all about Beth. I doubt anyone will be paying much attention to us anyway."

As the plane descended toward the Las Vegas airport, Spencer looked at Brittany who had been asleep for the majority of the flight. 

He had observed her peaceful slumber earlier, her rhythmic breathing a testament to her deep rest.

He couldn't help but feel a sense of fondness as he watched her serene expression. 

With a gentle smile, Spencer reached out to lightly touch her arm, rousing her from her sleep. "Hey, Brittany, we're about to land."

Brittany stirred awake, blinking sleepily as she adjusted to her surroundings. "Already? I must have dozed off."

Spencer nodded, offering her an understanding smile. "Yeah, we'll be landing soon."

With their belongings in tow, Spencer and Brittany made their way off the plane and into the bustling airport terminal. They were met by the sight of Brittany's father, who stood waiting for them near the baggage claim area.

"Dad!" Brittany exclaimed, a bright smile lighting up her face as she hurried over to greet him.

"Hey, sweetheart," her dad replied, enveloping her in a warm hug. His gaze then shifted to Spencer, and he raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

Brittany turned to Spencer, a proud smile on her lips. "Dad, this is Dr. Spencer Reid. He's my boyfriend."

Her dad's eyes widened in surprise, and he shot Brittany a bemused look. "Boyfriend, huh? Why didn't you mention anything about him at Christmas?"

Brittany's cheeks flushed slightly as she glanced at Spencer, silently urging him to play along. "Uh, it's a recent development, Dad. I wanted to wait until it was official."

Spencer nodded in agreement, offering her father a friendly smile. "It's nice to meet you, sir. Brittany has told me a lot about you."

Her dad's expression softened slightly as he shook Spencer's hand. "Likewise. So, Dr. Reid, what do you do?"

Spencer took a deep breath, bracing himself for the inevitable interrogation. "Well now I teach at Georgetown just like Brittany, but for almost two decades I was a behavioral analysis expert with the FBI."

Brittany's dad's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "FBI, huh? That's impressive. What do you teach?" he inquired, his tone polite but intrigued.

Spencer paused for a moment, considering his response. "Mostly criminal psychology," he replied, his voice steady despite the underlying tension.

Brittany's father raised an eyebrow, his interest piqued. "Criminal psychology, huh? That sounds fascinating. What exactly does that entail?"

Spencer took a deep breath, preparing himself to explain. "Well, it's the study of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of criminals. I focus on understanding why people commit crimes and how we can prevent and solve them."

Brittany's father nodded, seeming to mull over Spencer's explanation. "Impressive. Well, it's good to have you both here. Let's get going. Your mom's been waiting to see you, Brittany."

As they made their way through the airport, Spencer couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that Brittany's dad's questioning had been relatively mild. He knew this was just the beginning of what was sure to be an eventful weekend.

Brittany led Spencer through the grand foyer of her family's Las Vegas home and she couldn't help but feel a mix of excitement and apprehension. 

This was the first time Spencer would meet her entire family, and she hoped everything would go smoothly. 

"Everyone, this is Spencer," Brittany announced with a smile, her hand resting on his arm. "Spencer, meet my sisters, Brooke and Beth, their partners Chad and Ben, and of course, my mom, Barbara."

Spencer returned their greetings with a polite nod and a warm smile, taking note of the striking resemblance between Brittany, her sisters, and their mother. 

They all shared the same jet-black hair, but Brittany's locks cascaded down her back in long, flowing waves, contrasting with the shorter styles of the other women. Additionally, she stood out as the tallest among them, likely inheriting her height from her father.

"Nice to meet you all," Spencer said, his voice sincere as he greeted each of them.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Spencer." said Barbara as she tried to envelop Spencer in a warm hug, he couldn't suppress the instinctual flinch that ran through him. 

Spencer gently stepped back, his expression apologetic. "I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a germaphobe," he admitted, his voice tinged with embarrassment.

"Oh it’s okay. I’m so happy you guys are here!"

Spencer smiled, feeling a sense of relief at their warm reception. He had been nervous about meeting Brittany's family, but their kindness put him at ease.

As the introductions continued, Brittany led Spencer on a tour of the house, showing him the grandeur of their family home. They explored the spacious living areas, the elegant dining room, and even ventured outside to admire the sparkling pool.

Eventually, they made their way to the bedroom they would be sharing during their stay. As they entered the room, Brittany hesitated for a moment before turning to Spencer, her expression filled with concern.

"I hope you don't mind sharing a room, Brittany said, chewing on her lower lip. "It's just for the weekend, and it'll make things easier for us to… keep up appearances."

Spencer glanced around the room, taking in the plush furnishings and the king-sized bed. Despite his nerves, he couldn't deny the allure of spending more time with Brittany.

"It's no problem at all." Spencer reassured her, offering her a reassuring smile.

“I'm going to take a quick swim," she announced, excitement sparkling in her eyes. "The water looks so inviting, and I could use a bit of relaxation before tonight."

"Isn't the water a bit cold for a swim?" he asked, concern creasing his brow.

Brittany laughed, shaking her head. "Maybe for some, but I like it." she replied with a grin.

Spencer nodded in understanding, unable to argue with her logic. "Sounds good. I'll join you. I mean I’ll just… sit outside for a while,"

Brittany beamed at him before rummaging through her suitcase to grab her bathing suit and a towel. "I'll change quickly and meet you out there," she said, disappearing into the bathroom.

Spencer made his way outside, taking a seat by the pool and basking in the warmth of the Las Vegas sun.

After a few minutes, Brittany emerged, her figure adorned in a sleek black bathing suit that hugged her curves in all the right places. Spencer's breath caught in his throat as he took in the sight of her, feeling a rush of warmth spread through him at the sight.

It was the first time he had seen her in such attire, and he couldn't deny how stunning she looked. His gaze lingered on her figure momentarily before he turned his attention back to the pool.

He couldn't help but feel a sense of contentment wash over him. The sound of splashing water filled the air as Brittany gracefully glided through the pool, her bathing suit glistening in the sunlight.

The peaceful moment, however, was soon interrupted by the approach of Brittany's sisters, Brooke and Beth, accompanied by their partners.

"Hey there, Spencer!" Brooke greeted cheerfully, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. "It's nice to finally meet one of Brittany’s boyfriends."

Spencer smiled politely, feeling a flicker of unease at the sudden barrage of attention. "Likewise. It's great to meet all of you too."

Beth, Brittany's younger sister, leaned in closer, her expression filled with intrigue. "So, where are you from, Spencer? Brittany never brings her boyfriends home, so this is a bit of a surprise for us."

Spencer shifted uncomfortably in his seat, acutely aware of Brittany's presence as she continued her laps in the pool. "I'm from Las Vegas, actually. Born and raised."

“Oh that's so cool!” Brooke exclaimed with enthusiasm.

Her partner, Ben, chimed in with another question. "And what do you do for a living, Spencer?"

Spencer hesitated for a moment, unsure of how much to reveal. "I work with Brittany but I used to be in the FBI. It’s a fresh change." he replied, keeping his response deliberately vague.

Brooke and Beth exchanged surprised glances, clearly taken aback by Spencer's profession. 

"Wow, that's impressive," Brooke exclaimed, her tone tinged with admiration. "Brittany, you never told us you were dating a federal agent."

Spencer glanced over at Brittany, who had paused her swimming to listen to their conversation. He offered her a reassuring smile, silently grateful for her presence amidst the interrogation.

As the sun began to dip below the horizon, casting a warm glow over the Las Vegas skyline, Brittany and Spencer retreated to their shared room to prepare for the evening's rehearsal dinner. 

Brittany stood before the mirror, her fingers deftly arranging her hair into an elegant updo, her reflection shimmering in the soft light of the room. 

Spencer hovered nearby, his movements hesitant as he rummaged through his suitcase in search of suitable attire for the occasion.

As he glanced over at Brittany, a pang of self-consciousness washed over him. Sharing a room with her felt oddly intimate.

He couldn't shake the feeling that he was intruding on her space, invading her privacy in a way that made him distinctly uncomfortable.

Sensing his unease, Brittany turned to him with a warm smile, her eyes soft with understanding. "Are you okay, Spencer?" she asked gently, her voice filled with concern.

Spencer offered her a tight-lipped smile, his discomfort evident in his expression. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just... adjusting to the whole sharing a room thing. I don’t wanna invade your space"

Brittany nodded sympathetically, her gaze lingering on him with a mixture of empathy and reassurance. "You don’t. I know it's not ideal, but it's just for the weekend."

With a shared nod of agreement, they returned to their respective tasks, the awkwardness between them gradually dissipating as they focused on preparing for the evening ahead. 

Spencer quickly changed into a dark gray suit, while Brittany slipped into a black cocktail dress that accentuated her frame.

With one last glance in the mirror, Brittany turned to Spencer with a smile, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. "Ready to go?"

Spencer nodded, returning her smile with a sense of determination. "Ready as I'll ever be," he affirmed. 

He was fidgeting with his tie and Brittany stepped forward, her fingers deftly adjusting the knot with a gentle touch. "Let me help you with that," she offered kindly, her eyes meeting his with a reassuring gaze. 

As the evening unfolded at the rehearsal dinner, Brittany's prediction proved true – the focus was largely on Beth and her fiancé, allowing Brittany and Spencer to navigate the social gathering with relative ease. 

Amidst the lively conversations and clinking of glasses, Spencer found himself engaging in pleasant small talk with Brittany's family, his earlier apprehensions gradually fading into the background.

However, as the night wore on and the conversations veered towards more personal topics, Spencer found himself facing a new challenge. 

Brittany's mother, Barbara, turned her attention towards him.

"So, Spencer, tell me, do you have any free time outside of your job?" Barbara inquired, her tone laced with genuine curiosity.

Spencer considered her question for a moment, weighing his response carefully. "I do try to make time for other pursuits outside of work," he replied diplomatically, choosing his words with caution.

Barbara's expression softened, a hint of maternal concern in her eyes. "That's good to hear. And what about kids? How do you feel about starting a family someday?"

Spencer hesitated, his gaze flickering towards Brittany, who remained silent beside him, her expression carefully neutral. 

Sensing the tension in the air, he felt a protective instinct rise within him, a desire to shield Brittany from the expectations that weighed heavily upon her.

"I love kids," Spencer replied honestly, his voice steady. "I think they're amazing."

Barbara's smile widened, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "Well, I must admit, I'm still waiting for those grandkids," she remarked, her gaze drifting towards Brittany expectantly.

Spencer's heart clenched at the subtle pressure in Barbara's words, the unspoken expectation that Brittany would someday fulfill her role as a mother. 

With a surge of resolve, he found himself speaking up, a quiet defiance in his voice.

"But Barbara, you already have grandkids," Spencer stated, his tone gentle yet firm.

Spencer's statement hung in the air, his tone carrying a mix of assertion and tension. Barbara's expression shifted, her features contorted with surprise and a touch of frustration.

Her eyes narrowed, her voice tinged with skepticism. "Oh you know what I mean. I want to see… more grandchildren, you understand."

Spencer's jaw tightened, his resolve hardening as he met Barbara's gaze head-on. "I understand," he replied evenly. "But Brittany is a wonderful daughter, regardless of whether she has children or not."

Barbara sighed, her frustration evident in her tone. "Spencer, you're not a mother. You can't understand the longing I have to see my daughter experience the joys of motherhood."

Before Spencer could respond, Brittany interjected, her voice surprisingly sharp. "Actually, Mom, I do have a child," she said, her words laced with tension.

Barbara's eyes widened in surprise, her gaze flickering between Brittany and Spencer. "You do?"

Brittany nodded, her jaw set with determination. "Yes, his name is Albert."

Barbara's eyes narrowed, a hint of exasperation creeping into her voice. "That's a cat, Britt! Stop trying to be funny," she said sharply, her tone bordering on frustration. "I just want what's best for you."

Brittany's shoulders tensed, a flicker of defiance in her gaze. "I am happy!" she countered, her voice tinged with frustration. "I don't need a child to be happy."

Barbara sighed, her tone softening slightly as she reached out to her daughter. "But would you want to be a mother?" she asked gently, her eyes searching Brittany's face. "You're only getting older, not younger, honey."

Brittany's jaw tightened, her mind racing with conflicting emotions. "Maybe I would," she admitted reluctantly, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "But what am I supposed to do?"

Spencer watched the exchange in silence, his heart heavy with empathy for Brittany.

As he glanced at Brittany, he saw the weight of her mother's words bearing down on her, the struggle written plainly on her face.

Brittany's shoulders tensed, her gaze flickering towards Spencer for support. In that moment, she felt torn between her mother's expectations and her own desires, the weight of their conflicting aspirations pressing down upon her.

He placed a reassuring hand on Brittany's.

--------------------------------

Spencer sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers tapping rhythmically against his thumb on his left hand. The repetitive motion seemed to soothe him as he tried to calm his racing thoughts.

Brittany, in the midst of removing her earrings, glanced over at him with concern evident in her eyes.

"Spencer, are you okay?" she asked gently, pausing in her task to give him her full attention.

He stopped his tapping and looked up, meeting her gaze with a faint smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry," he replied, his voice soft but strained.

"Don't be. If doing that makes you feel better, you shouldn't stop," Brittany reassured him, her tone filled with understanding.

"I think I'm just overwhelmed. Long day," Spencer admitted, his shoulders sagging with exhaustion. His fingers resumed their rhythmic tapping against his thumb.

"I get it," Brittany nodded sympathetically. "It's okay if you're not."

"I don't want to worry you," Spencer murmured, his gaze flickering away uneasily.

"You don't. Just tell me what you need. If you'd rather be alone, it's okay, or... I don't know. I can get you water? Tea?" Brittany offered, her voice soft and comforting.

"Water would be great actually," Spencer replied gratefully, his tension easing slightly at her kindness.

"Okay," Brittany said, rising from her seat to fetch two glasses of water. She returned moments later and handed one to Spencer with a gentle smile. "Here you go."

"Thanks," Spencer murmured, taking the glass from her with a small smile of appreciation.

"Can I ask you a question? A personal one… You don't have to answer if you don't want to," Brittany said, settling into a chair near the bed.

"Sure," Spencer replied, his curiosity piqued.

"I'm sorry if it's inappropriate, but... Are you autistic?" Brittany asked delicately, her gaze filled with genuine curiosity.

Spencer chuckled softly, a wistful smile playing on his lips. "Umm... yeah. I am. I've never been officially diagnosed, but it's... pretty obvious."

"Why didn't you get a diagnosis? Especially as a kid?" Brittany inquired, her voice laced with empathy.

"Well, it... just never happened. It wasn't a priority, I guess, and I always managed," Spencer explained, his tone tinged with sadness. 

"My mom is a paranoid schizophrenic, and it's been just the two of us since I was 10. I kind of took care of her more than... Well, she got bad, and I put her in a mental health institution when I was 18.

And then at the FBI, if I was diagnosed, it would just make stuff harder. You know... working in the field. So everyone always knew, but we didn't talk about it. 

Also, I'm not sure they fully ever understood it. I've been masking for most of my life... to, you know, make stuff easier."

"For others or for you?" Brittany asked gently, her eyes filled with compassion.

Spencer's gaze flickered away for a moment before he met her eyes again. "Both," he admitted quietly, his vulnerability laid bare.

"I'm sorry. That's awful," Brittany murmured, her heart aching for him.

"I'm okay," Spencer assured her, his tone gentle but firm.

"I know you are, but... hiding stuff and pretending just to make others comfortable sounds... awful and… tiring," Brittany remarked, her voice filled with empathy. 

"If you ever need something, tell me. You don't have to pretend with me. Besides, I don't think you could."

"Thanks... and you're right… I don't think I could," Spencer admitted, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Are you still okay with sharing the bed? We don't have to," Brittany offered, her concern evident in her voice.

"I'm okay. I just want you to be comfortable. And if you're not with me..." Spencer trailed off, his expression filled with uncertainty.

"I am. It’s okay," Brittany reassured him with a soft smile.

He chuckled softly as he glanced down at her feet, noticing she was still wearing tall, black stilettos. 

"Do your feet hurt?" he asked, genuine concern coloring his tone.

"No... I'm used to it. Do you want to get in the shower first or can I go?" Brittany offered with consideration for his comfort.

"Sure, you can go," Spencer replied, nodding in agreement.

"Okay," Brittany said, gathering her belongings before heading to the bathroom. 

Once she finished, she emerged in her matching black pajama set, looking comfortable and relaxed. 

Later Spencer returned from the bathroom, wearing his own checked pajamas, and couldn't help but notice Brittany's amused expression.

"What?" he asked, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

"Nothing, you just look cute in your pajamas," Brittany teased, a playful smile dancing on her lips.

"Thank you?" Spencer replied, a faint blush coloring his cheeks at the unexpected compliment.

"Is it okay if I read for a while?" he asked, seeking her permission.

"Yeah," Brittany replied, slipping her black sleeping eye mask over her eyes and turning off her bedside lamp. "Goodnight," she added softly.

"Goodnight," Spencer echoed, feeling a sense of warmth settle over him as he settled in to read.

"Hey, Spencer..." Brittany's voice interrupted the quiet, causing him to look up.

"Yeah?" he asked, curious.

"If anything's wrong, wake me up. It's okay," Brittany said, her voice filled with sincerity.

"Okay. Thanks," Spencer replied, feeling a sense of comfort wash over him at her words.

[starlightdaggers]

In Which you Come out at Polyamous

Tags: Fluff, comfort, polyamory, gender neutral reader

Kaeya

-Kaeya could spot your nervousness a mile away, and of course saw this as they Perfect opportunity to tease you as he always did

-“Ohhh? What’s got my favorite little knight all worked up?”

-eventually you are able to make him realize how serious you are being and he quiets down to let you speak

-Except you can’t.

-I’m polyamorous. The words bubbles in your throat but despite your open mouth just couldn’t escape

-What if this meant he had to leave?

-He’d place a Hand on your shoulder and look you in the eyes and reassure you that he’s here for you know matter what.

-So you Tell him

-At First he doesn’t respond, and then he starts laughing

-“Why are you laughing?! Kaeya This is serious! Aren’t you upset that I just can’t…I can’t only Love you, I…”

-“Y/N, I could never be upset at you for loving and receiving Love.” He’d bring you into a hug.

-“But I, I thought you might leave because-“

-“And, I would never leave you. After all, I am polyamorous too.”

-He then explains all these times he tried to subtly hint to you that he was polyamorous to test the waters

-He’s happy with you dating others as long as they treat you well

-Its a reassurance to him to know that if he’s busy with Work there could be someone else around to look after you

-You’re stunning, hard working, Kind and deserve to be spoiled from every angle

-Besides he can’t say no the freedom to love and flirt either

-He’d take the time to discuss with you each other boundaries

-Kaeya is happy to move to this new stage in your relationship

Albedo

-Albedo notices you are acting strangely

-He was focusing on the experiment before him and carefully watching the titration

-However even then he couldn’t ignore the sound of your bouncing foot

-He would glance to the side briefly to observe more of your physical symptoms before concluding;

-“You are nervous.”

-“Sorry, I just There's something I need to talk to you about.”

-“I see, allow me to finish this and then we may talk.” He’d finish the experiment in silence, jot down a couple of notes and then turn his attention fully towards you

-“I’ve finished, please go ahead.”

-You can’t find the right words especially not with his eyes locked so intently on your own

-He offers words of encouragement until eventually, you relent

-You tell him your polyamorous

-There’s a pause.

-“I apologize, I do not know what this word means.”

-With difficulty you try your best to explain it

-After some back and forth of him asking questions and you fumbling through answers he simply responds with;

-“Okay.”

-“Okay? Aren’t you mad at me?”

-“I’m afraid I do not follow. Why would I be mad at you?”

-“Because, you won’t be the only one I love…”

-“Why would that upset me?” He is genuinely trying to understand

-“Well because, you know…People find it selfish. It’s a deal breaker for so many people and…” You felt Your voice cracking “I thought you might have to leave me.”

-“Y/N, there is nothing selfish about loving another human being. To love is to care for someone. Therefore, there is also nothing selfish about loving more than one, romantically or otherwise. Furthermore, I see know reason why I should leave you.”

-Albedo is proud of you for telling him something you seemed so nervous about

-Although he doesn’t quite understand what being polyamorous means he is here to support you no matter what

-He thinks that polyamory would be a beneficial for your relationship as well, as he can often get quite busy with his research and knowing that you won’t be alone would be comforting

-He’s open to discussions about this and will try to ask many questions to better learn how to manage this new kind of relationship

-Albedo is with you all the way