#i shouldnt post so much old art i guess

[sillylilfang]

may I interest you in some.... uh... genji overwatch?

[pwblogarchive]

November 2007

November 2, 2007

"our smiles are just a commercial for how normal we are"

the idea of protecting would imply that there is some possession-

a toast implies change.

noone toasts normals days

or gutter heads.

i swear to god i have come to love some of you so dearly.

i count on you to get me by.

but i have begun to wonder about my contribution to life

i want to go to school.

i want to move far away.

im scared.

but only of god and a witness stand.

im not sure how much longer i want to do this if it doesnt mean anything-

i need a push a sign something that puts me back on course.

if i go for it you tell me i shouldnt have.

if i lay and wait you think i dont care.

i want to believe so badly.

morning is just a cold shower for dreams.

broke the little bone on top of my foot.

oh well i am so accident prone, i owed the universe some marrow.

not gonna back out on you.

3rd time in an mri this year.

there is no room colder or smaller.

there is something about the repetitive clicking that gives me visions.

i really feel for people who truly have to go through this on a daily basis or need crutches everyday of their life. honestly it is humbling for me.

and i probably needed that humility.

thanks for your understanding.

the painkillers and pride have my head in a bit of a tangle.

help me unwind it.

is there a song you count on every time?

i swear by the baxters

and the dropouts who only kept the books and the freshman fifteen

awake inside someone elses dream

alone in someone elses throne

gift wrapped wasp nest

blue ribbon jealousy contest

cant make everyone in the world unhappy all of the time

theres no glory on the road

its just a quick way to make you old

theres a new order

my disorders

i am just a sweettooth in the cavity search of life

Posted by xoat 1:24 AM

November 13, 2007

“this machine kills fascists”

after the pornstar john holmes career deflated he turned to showing up at LAX and stealing peoples bags off of the conveyor belt.

i watched someone do this to me at the airport today.

i am obsessed with the change that can turn in the world.

sometimes the message is more important than the art.

i need him more than he needs me, he needs her more than he needs me and so on.

theres nothing new under the sun

but were reading on existentialism in the shade.

i am so in love with the idea

if it werent for that i am not sure where i would turn.

i guess this is another halfhearted thank you. just because you keep tuning in.

"dont you think its insane how donald duck never wears pants?"

life is better when youre around.

but yes i do think its insane.

Posted by xoat 1:27 AM

November 15, 2007

“a sketch of Chicago in words.”

afternoon rhythmic no sleep dream.

body rigid.

mind convulsing.

i went scanning thru frequencies as my eyelids stuck shut.

reminds me of the first time the emt's gave birth to me.

or back to me.

whats the difference between a vision and a hallucination is simply whos giving the diagnosis.

the visions were so bright they burnt shadows on the inside of the room.

were a wagon party.

i see the world in slow motion.

theres shivering everywhere.

too cold outside, too hot inside.

fall has stolen the country from here.

sleep never comes naturally anymore.

boys playing men in flannel shirts-

homage or parody of what once was.

whos gonna be left when its all and done?

im exploding just too slowly for anyone to take notice.

Posted by xoat 2:19 AM

November 15, 2007

“maybe we should feed our jewelry to the sea”

from current occupation: selling fire in hell by xo

mid tour crisis got everybodys heads troubled.

new panic at the disco songs are settling.

cant sleep so we wrote a lullabye.

you probably wont ever hear it unless we end up at a campfire together:

honey is for bees, silly bear

besides theres jelly beans everywhere

its not what it seems, in the land of dreams

dont worry your head just go to sleep

doesnt matter how you feel

lifes just a ferris wheel

its always up and down, dont make a sound

when you wake up the world will come around

its just sweet weather and peacock feathers

in the morning itll all be better

dont worry your head just go to sleep.

November 17, 2007

“the only thing suicidal here are the doors.”

weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary

we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill

we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.

everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.

arrogantly insecure and vice versa.

and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.

sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down

in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.

so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.

the worlds worst kind of diary.

i wish i could pull the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.

strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my friends.

how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.

Posted by xoat 1:49 AM

November 22, 2007

“i think this is a bit of an overestimation.”

ill need to take up gardening or something if im gonna be around this long.

Posted by xoat 3:22 AM

[toasty-owl-arts]

logically numbers shouldn't matter and i should create for me and what i want, not to preform for anyone else

on the other hand

the number of notes my art gets has dropped by almost half since last year which is about when i started posting almost purely star crossed so

not feeling

not feeling good

[thedorfmirrin]

gosh there’s just something about this blog that makes me just wanna redraw and post every single oc i have ;v;(\ 

 i dwunno if anybody has an interest with learning about them, but feel free to ask if ya do! (i may or may not talk about them anyway in the future, not rlly sure? i wanna make some sort of world for them all and i have ideas but need to think of a name for it all before doin that .. *shrugs*) 

untill then i suppose ill just be postin more doodles and arts n stuff <3

[tylerwritez]

Sunday, September 19th, 2021, 10:31 p.m.

Hey guys

I'm here again,,, which, as y'all know, means I've got something to say.

My life has been sorta stupid lately. I dont quite remember when I posted here last, but,,, a LOT has happened since then. I got into a lot of new music and tweaked my image a bit, my parents found out all about my self harm... and now they are being REALLY strict. No closing doors, I gotta do my art downstairs instead of in my room, my messages got searched, my room and bags are regularly searched, its like I have 0 privacy which ie ridiculous because I'm not going to fucking kill myself if left alone for... omg... a few moments :0

Whatever. They're trying. I love my dad. My mom... I love her too yeah, but idk, I have a weird reaction inside me to her touch, I'm like GETOFFME which is so weird???? But it makes me panicky. Idk why. There are so many things I dont know about myself. I proabably have BPD. IM PISSED at my parents for being so strict but I understand why. It's because they're scared I'll hurt myself real bad one of these days and the damage will be hospital/death level.

I haven't self harmed since I cut up my left leg... so that's how long... lemme check

Since September 11th

It's been only 8 days? WHAT THE FUCKKKK??? it feels like so much longer. I guess that's what it's like when you're addicted... time passes slowly. For example, it feels like FOREVER since I last smoked a cig, but it was really on the 17th.

I made a new friend which is cool. I'm going to call them Velo, which is in their disc user but not their actual name. Velo is pretty cool... they're a chill person, and I'm afraid I maybe came off as annoying, but I'm doing my best at social interaction,,, its been a long time.

Velo has been helping my tattoo my arm, I did a heart and they designed a face to go inside the heart. So far it's looking super epic! I also have a smiley face on my knee, a sad face on the other knee, and I'm going to do a sun so i can match my BFF, whos getting a moon.

Wow I'm so #rebellious

ANYWAYS I'm not here to talk about my shitshow life. I'm here cos I'm sad and I wanna talk about that and HONESTLY doing my best right now Not to hurt myself because I WANT TO HURT MYSELF!!!! so badly. But it makes me feel guilty,... my parents were so upset. Crying and shit. It made me feel so bad, but like, they shouldnt be doing all that crying shit in front of me... I swear sometimes they forget that I have feelings too...

Right now, I'm mostly upset about my slight weight gain... I'M FUCKING FAT and ugly as fuck, my acne meds dont seem to be working and I... my fucking face... is shaped WEIRD.... i look at my body and I dont even see anything remotely human it all looks disgusting and fat and gross and repulsive and like some kinda of monster and my skin is disgusting and full of acne like some kinda monstrous thing and I have got scars and scabs and... it hurts. It hurts knowing how fucking ugly I am. Seeing that other kids my age havent got dots all over their fucking faces, it's just me. Since I was 10 years old. And IM FAT holy shit I'm so fat I'm so ugly I dont even look human my lips are gross and my nose is fucked up and I dont even look like a boy becos my thighs and hips are fuckinf massive I hate seeing little blond children knowing theyll grow up without my fuckinf problems, I HATE IT, I HATE CHILDREN I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THOSE PERFECT FUCKING KIDS FUCK FUCK FUCKKK I hate seeing them knowing their family loves them and they never have to question that, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being trans, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being mentally ILL and of having everyone deny your sickness and assume you're a bad person and ruin your ability to trust adult authority figures and ruin your relationship with your parents and ruin your ability to walk into offices without crying or tensing up FUCK if I was a bit more off the rails than I am right now id take one of those little blond kids and beat the shit outta them because fUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU, ,, WHY YOU ??? WHY YOU AND NOT ME? WHY??? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE AS A CHILD TO DOOM ME TO THIS??? and the answer is nothing. It's not that kids fault, or my fault, or some fake gods fault, or my parents fault, or the teachers fault..... its nobodies fault. This is just how things ended up. A combination of faults from everyone. We are all to blame, but in little, complex pieces that make me think that nobody is to blame.

Its sadder having no one to blame. You cant rile up your anger and point a finger saying YOU did this to me, its YOUR fault... you just gotta put your head down on your desk and cry because there was nothing anyone couldve done to make it better for you.

I'm sad.

Yknow tonight when i went to bed, I couldnt find my nice pillow... it's one of those fuckinf memory foam cool whatever pillows with a batman pillowcase. I looked all over for it but then I realized that the pillow in question is the one I use at my DADS house.... and i broke down crying. I was confused, my brain was confused, between my two houses, because it was thinking of it's old life.... in one house... I'm not even upset about the divorce, I swear to god I'm not. It's just sometimes, my brain is confused about where i am... and I just find that so SAD. It's like oh, right, my parents dont love each other no more, I forgot about that for a moment.

Yikes. ANYWAYS. talking about this didn't help much cos I'm still bawling my eyes out. I'd love to smoke some to calm me down but I only have 2 and I'm saving em for lunch tommorow with my friend... goddamn. I give in. If I'm not too exhausted, I'm going to burn myself and then ill cry some more cos I look like freddy fuckin kreuger then I'll burn myself some more.

Goodnight guys... not that theres anyone out there whose even listening, who even CARES. Jesus.

[enzo-zzz]

A vent on the fandom + cg

If you dont wanna hear any negativity, please just ignore this post. It includes dissatisfication on the yttd fandom and ongoing belief in it. I'm not going to use very kind words here, so just ignore this post. 3b spoilers included.

I like yttd so much, but the english fandom, i cannot interact because how toxic it is. Even the smallest different of which route you choose, will attract anyone to abuse, harrass, ridicule or humiliate you. And to be truth, there are many of them who are so judgemental, to the point that there is only one thing that are right and the other are wrong. Black and white mindset. The term "canon route" is what fans created itself. I guess there are many of them who are teens or kids, since most of kids who havent grown up yet tend to lean towards black and white mindset, even if they believe they are not. If you find people who keep arguing especially on social media, you can bet that its teens. Adult are too tired to involve in things like fighting with strangers. There is one time when the poll asked your age and the age range quite small to teens age. I guess thats why i think so.

OTHER THAN THAT, THERE'S ONE THING I'M ANNOYED WITH. ABOUT THE CG AND HOW THE FANDOM DECIDES THAT THE MORE CGS, THE MORE CANON IT IS. To be perfectly honest, i'm the one who came up with the analysis that on certain route 2-2 ending the cg is more. But people really use it the wrong way and now thought that anything that has more cg is the canon route. The word canon route is wrong in itself, who tf come up with the term canon route in yttd? Is the reason for creating two route is for one to be canon only, or for sparing different characters, or for having different storyline? (I personally think that on different route, the story will change and the ones who got to live at last is probably different ). Now i see those who misuse that information everywhere. "In sou route 2-2 ending evil joe AI dont even have new cg but in kanna route he has. See how biased the devs are? he should have drawn more if he really meant the route to be the canon one. Kanna route will get happy ending, sou route is bad ending." I think thats stupid. B*tch, he keep reusing his old art here and there. You can check for yourself. Joe and midori has same hand based on the cg? He's just reusing the hand art. The arm in 3b and 1-1 is the same arm he reuse. Sou and kanna 2-2 ending basically use the same sou drawing, he just changed it a bit. Sara in 2-2 kanna ending use the same cg as when keiji try to calm her in front of computer, he just changed the face. Midori and sara on the 3b game screen cg basically use the same cg in the 3b content, but changed a bit. So i can think why need to create new cg when joe is still malicious as the hallucination in 2-2 sou ending? If i want to create something i will also reuse this to save my time.

So if you wanna really use this cg argument, then maybe you can consider why alice memory game got so many more cg than reko's? and how ranmaru gone insane has so many new sprite and pose with the hair like that. And why when dummy is dead they got cg's. Especially the ranmaru dying one, he got moving cg's and how it was put more effort into that. Then that means dummy dying is actually the canon route since when they alive they got no addtional cg? This is my assumption, but i think the devs just do as many cg as it takes depends on how impactful the scene he's working on, not because its canon, thats really a lazy take if he is actually unwilling to do extra route but still forcing himself to do it anyway. Imagine if dummy is dying but no cg, instead a message " ranmaru/mai/anzu died ". Do you think that will really give impact to you? This game clearly hinting that joe is going to be the spotlight of the game, even in 3b. So when sou set the real joe ai in kanna route for sara, the script is written for the real joe to genuinely react to sara. of course thats going to be heartwrenching since joe himself is the very important part of sara's life. When the script is made that way, lacking of cgs will hamper down the storytelling nankidai genuinely want to deliver. All i can say is it come from the heart of the author himself. If it is just only text for something as tearful as that moment and no cgs, it wont really touch the feeling isnt it? It is the same with alice memory game that tells about how alice "kill" midori. I'm not sure how many it is but atleast there is 3 cgs with one of them has variant. The story of how alice kill midori is also important and should have impact, thus the extra CG's. I can say its about being passionate and indulged in the storytelling.

I dont even know if joe will ever heal sara in sou route, but based on how the story still keep joe relevant til the end, then there must be something that need to happen between them in the end right? Nankidai even made sure that sara see the dog keychain in 3a if player probably choose to not ask gin about the dog keychain he's hiding in ch 2. Its also for relating ranmaru and joe. Having closure or conclusion with joe in the middle of game is still valid, and having a closure with joe at the end of the game is still valid. Imo, having closure with joe at the end of the game after all of those suffering involving him makes the better climax or impact for sara chara development since the game build up to highlight joe and mr. Policeman, it can be even better if all of it are to be pull together in the ending.

Even if the devs has route he prefer, he's not abandoning any route he less prefer, only if its true that he ever have a route he prefer. Plus you dont know which route he's prefer if any. He's taking his work seriously, it just some "fans" looking down on him, even to the point calling him biased, he's punishing the one who take another route, treating like he only use his career for egostatiscal reason (it somehow clearly mirrors that you are the one who egostatiscal to the point of wanting to find any excuse to punish other, you just using the devs name to validate your mindset). If he's dislike people who chose that route that much, then why create that route? If he know its tiring to make alternate route, then why still make the choice to let 3 dummy alive route at the end? It will make more work. I can only assume its out of passion, or just that he deep down wants the character to be alive atleast in a route ( idk if this is correct, i just read google translated version of his public fanbox that he's actually very reluctant at first when the time comes and "crying" so hard when he had to kill joe in chapter 1. So the part where he wants to spare some character is only my assumption ). By this punishing logic, shouldnt he not make alice die when you push reko ai to spare gin, and only do it to those who dont push the ai to save gin by killing real reko? I am more sure that the variants is to tell a different story or who to spare, and specifically for who sara actually was.

Happy endings? I'm not sure. I've expected that once from story with a lot of deaths, wishing for atleast the protagonists alive. Anime or story with a lot of death is definitely my jam, but from what i see, most of them has bittersweet ending, it depends on how the author wants it to be. Some author dont mind killing them all till the end, and some author just easily kill them all because they plan to revive them later. And everyone sense is different. Some japanese people sense in storytelling is a bit different imo. As the one being the audience, happy endings is the most common wish the audience wants. But its all up to the sense of the author. This is why i'm annoyed with some kids from overseas who rarely watch or play many things that involves a lot of death from japan suddenly says that this "one happy ending, this one bad ending! Everyone will survive in this route, everyone dead in this route"

Just play any route you like, nothing wrong with that. Whats wrong is to start this war of ridiculing others or have that irritating attitude towards those who play their own first route and start bad mouthing or desperately throwing bad assumption that one route will end very bad just for the sake of feeling better for your choice and to scare others.You do know that when you read a book, you'll only know if the overall story is good or bad until you know the ending right? The ending will conclude everything that happened. What happening in the fandom is now like, you only read 3/4 of the book and already expecting that this one will have good ending and bad ending. What if its not about the binary, but for the difference in direction? Its not that bad if the story of the book is kinda predictable, but with how plot twists become the main part of yttd's charm, its getting more difficult to predict how it will end. There's a lot of story which was masterpiece in every part as seen by fans, until the ending hits. Its what the author wants, but its not what the fans wants.

If you pick fights with others, even passively, the consequence is all on you. Good luck taking care of your mess.

Thats why i'm reluctant to publish any theory because the fandom will always use it as an excuse to pick fights with other and say " i'm more right bcs i got this proof" . U see in my caption i dont want any of those harasser to even digest my theory. If you are one of them get out of my blog.

[honeymoon-bear]

whats up yall its time for an Extremely Long And Definitely Super Cool Art Rant!!!!!!!!!!! (dont feel bad for skipping this its literally just my string of thoughts typed out hh)

the thing is. that 99% of the artists i know/see on social media like. genuinely like drawing hhh which should be a no brainer huh!!! but for some reason it tends to feel more like a chore to me? i put it off and i procrastinate until im feeling so guilty that i wake up at night in panic bc i havent posted anything in two weeks or smth. dont get me wrong i do like the finished product and im proud of what ive put out so far but the cost of that is so high sometimes?? cause most of the time im too terrified to even open sai and getting started drawing feels like an absolutely impossible task. cause i just dont know if this drawing is gonna be good? have i already peaked? what if this is garbage and ive lost all my art skills and everyone will be disappointed and noone will care and i think my problem is that i just dont really have a reason to create art.  which is why i mainly do fanart i guess? it gives me a reason to care, at least somewhat, to actually draw. i think i havent really drawn personal art since i was 13 or something. cause i just dont see a reason for doing that. expressing myself is embarrassing and cringey (just for me, not when others do it ofc!!), i dont wanna do that, and noone would care about my oc’s (not that i care that much about them in the first place? like theyre somewhat important to me cause looking back i think they gave me a platform to explore my identity but. yeah. idk.) so like??? the thing is. that i only want to create art that i can upload to social media. is that normal? shouldnt i be drawing cause i like drawing??? and this then leads me to being scared of drawing again cause if i cant upload it its pretty much worthless. the things on my tumblr are literally all ive drawn these past months. thats it. PLUS, bc i only draw like once a week, i want to push my comfort zone every time i then do draw cause i want my published pieces to be the absolute best art i can possibly produce!!!! and if i never practice i can only hope for a miracle lol uuuh i kinda lost my point there. this is a bad rant im sorry. typing everything out here helps me sort through my thoughts,,, , oh also: the instagram algorithm is literally the WORST i fucking hate it cause i just cant upload art frequently enough!!!!!!! tumblr and twitter are alright, they dont care about when and how often you upload but instagram? god i hate it. but i dont wanna leave it cause i like the little community im i guess somewhat a part of there? aaah idk. i really dont know :^)) oh ALSO: i feel like i have nothing to contribute to the fandom. my art is alright and all but its nothing groundbreaking? the thing is i dont only want to make art i personally like, like it should be, i also wanna make art i know others will like. so im always trying to find balance between these two? to be brutally honest: im scared my posts will flop!!!! i literally dream about that and wake up feeling like shit. all of this is toxic but i dont know what to do!!! i dont wanna give up my art account im too proud of what ive achieved so far? like 13 yr old me would just burst into happy tears if she saw my insta and i dont wanna disappoint her????? 

so yeah. havent uploaded in two weeks. im scared to get out my tablet. this rant is stupidly long. it feels like im the only one with these dumb dumb problems and i kinda wish anyone else would say they feel the same but surprise surprise: noone does cause they make art cause they god damn like making art, hanna :)) if you read all of this im so sorry for wasting your time sjdksd please dont feel obliged to answer on this post i kinda just wanted to yell into the void. for some reason ranting like this makes it easier to pick up my tablet pen. maybe ill actually draw tonight. we’ll see.

[laitsucre-remade]

so i really relate to what you said in your post and for me in particular it has to do with art bc i feel like...unsuccessful bc i see so many artists my age with gallery representation, their name is out there, people buy their stuff, etc and it makes me feel so dumb and sad! same thing when i see people my age buying their first home with their s/o and traveling the world etc. BUT! what helps me is to remember that we only see the parts of people's lives that they WANT us to see (1)

and a lot of how we think abt ourselves and others is shaped by social media. i'm not here to be a grumpy old person like "MEH SOCIAL MEDIA IS RUINING EVERYTHING1!!11" bc it does have its perks but idk i guess that, even though it's hard NOT to compare yourself to others, remember that nobody is really posting selfies of when they first wake up like LITERALLY first wake up i'm talking eye crusties and drool etc same thing as no one makes posts about their daily boring life at home (2)

people are always gonna share about the things that make them happy but also kinda give them some sort of status? it's hard but we need to remember that everyone else is human and even though it may seem like everyone is hugely successful and beautiful, the reality is that's only what they WANT you to see! the majority of people are much more likely to ALSO be people sitting at home in their underwear eating an entire bag of chips wondering what they're doing with their life and that's okay!!

ahh, thank you, love! it is hard to remember that most of us have no clue on how to adult djshdjd but i guess i also get angry at the fact that i lost so much because of mental health. i get angry at me, at life... but ill try not to. it isnt my fault and i cant and shouldnt expect anything from life, because it simply is

unless i can leave a complaint to god, if there is one god above all others that can control things. then ill be mad at them

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p19 reaction

I... don't really know what to expect anymore.

What could the wallet contain. A Dad note. A Terezi note. Or captchalogued people?

Odds are even we won't be seeing it right away. Though I'd dread to see Dirk's omniscient narrative voice take over narration of the post-victory scenes.

Still, Dirk should know better by now than to rely on his strong points this much. They're not evened out by a reliable moral compass all the time, and he's seen the results of that before. Guess with great knowledge comes great arrogance.

"Anyway, back to the B Plot." Ah yes, the B Plot. On Earth C. Featuring A2 trolls Karkat and Kanaya.

"Right about now, Jade should be wrapping up her political presentation to Roxy and Calliope" Ah, skipping right to the end of that, are we.

"Jade’s got this disarming combo of head-in-the-clouds flightiness and the kind of legit, down-to-earth cred that can only be earned by having done something like cutting open your own grandfather and stuffing him full of polyurethane foam." Ah yes, one of these definitely led to the other.

"neoliberal austerity measures" How often can we repeat the same 3 words?

"

Roxy groans upon hearing the phrase “neoliberal austerity measures” for no less than the third time in this presentation." Roxy the audience surrogate. Since it's our 3rd time too.

"JADE: as i outlined here in graph b-2 JADE: and here in figure a-6" It's a good thing timelines can only be scratched the once. A6 Alternia would have been a dreadful sight.

"JADE: and here!!! in this very spooky drawing i dictated to callie JADE: (great drawing by the way!!!) CALLIOPE: ^u^" Hah, Calliope's drawing skills have found another use! Political Powerpoints.

"JADE: the thing is that jane is an establishment leader JADE: shes looking at doing things the way our old universes did them JADE: shes pretty convinced that shes going to be able to replicate the capitalist hierarchies that earth had but in a more “responsible” way JADE: but none of that stuff actually worked!!!!!" That's a nice summary of the things that are wrong to Jane's approach, actually. Though it doesn't provide an answer to the underlying problem yet.

"ROXY: and u think karkat can do better? JADE: i think its worth it to give him a chance JADE: hes a leader of the people AND hes experienced firsthand what happens when establishment goes too far JADE: which i imagine you can sympathize with!" This really feels like a boardroom conference, with Jane trying to get a preliminary backing out of a captain of industry.

"Her graphs are floating around the living room in disarray." Hah, she's using her space powers for this in another mundane application. Though... not in any offical setting, it seems. Roxy and Calliope's home.

"CALLIOPE: i’m... CALLIOPE: going to get Us tea and snacks. woUld yoU like some, jade?" To be fair, Calliope's probably going to follow Roxy in her eventual decision, anyway. Her childhood fascination with trolls might have been abandoned for new interests, or she might trust her friend's judgment in matters political.

"Calliope excuses herself from the conversation, and flees to the kitchen, seemingly making no attempt to disguise the fact that she is in fact fleeing." What a cutey. Calliope might in fact be trying to flee anything reeking of negativity, associating it with black romance and such.

"Jade deflates as she watches her go, sensing that her presentation wasn’t the slam dunk she was hoping for." It's so easy forgetting that the narration is also at least in part steering the story at this point. >_<

"ROXY: well i gotta say ROXY: this has been a hella convincing argument all in all ROXY: buuuuut idk if i can help u out" Maybe they would actually like to stay neutral?

"She and Calliope live in a belfry above New Prospit. One end of their living room is an oriel window that looks out over a public park. The other disappears into an arcading hallway lit at the far end by a giant stained glass window that Calliope made herself. The corbels supporting it have windy, abstract shapes carved into them." Artsy! I didn't know what to picture for their living space, but actually Calliope taking to carapacian art-deco and giving it a cheruban twist really works!

"That’s what keeps Jade Harley flitting from couch to couch, relationship to relationship. She can’t stop thinking to herself that “home” comes awfully close to rhyming with “alone.”" Home Alone, huh?

"Home is John, who doesn’t call anymore. Home is when Rose and Kanaya welcome her in from a cold night and help her set lyrics to her sick basslines. Home is here, snorting at Roxy’s irreverent method of storytelling and admiring Callie’s art. Home is Dave and Karkat." This REALLY reminds me of the Tramp, as he had a home in every street he frequented.

"ROXY: im alls ABOUT the sowing of discord among my childhood friends" She's had quite her fill of the dramas. That's a valid reason to stay out of it. She'll just have to weight it against the downsides of not influencing the outcome of the election in any positive way.

"JADE: dirk got to you first ROXY: not even ROXY: i got no problem tellin dirk where to stick it lmao ROXY: but dirks not the one running JADE: you think hes NOT the one pulling the strings behind the scenes? ROXY: sure but give janey a lil credit" On the one hand I'm glad Roxy's got such a backbone, on the other hand, off course we know Dirk's still influencing the outcome at the moment. Also, uh, he's got no issues invading the lives of his friends personally, even after telling us off on the subject first.

"ROXY: but shes yknow JADE: ruthless? :B

Roxy frowns. Jade is being pretty unfair." I get the feeling Jade is less good at filtering her words lately. And I also get the feeling Dirk is starting to sow a little conflict.

"ROXY: shes gotta be miss perfect all the time for the billboards n press meetings ROXY: always wearin those power suits trying to look like a big bad bitch JADE: you mean like....... the condesce? ROXY: wow ouch JADE: im not just imagining it though, right??? JADE: you see it too JADE: not to dredge up something horrible from your history JADE: but her whole image is just kinda...... *woof* ROXY: is that what you guys think? ROXY: u and dave and karkat?" It's something they should have brought up via intermediary channels to Jane on beforehand. Not let fester until all they could think of to "stop" her was introduce a late-to-the-party candidate.

Jade might also be doubly upset with Jane for seemingly mirroring the Condesce, as they were both brainwashed by her.

"Roxy leans forward and stares Jade down, like she’s searching for something behind Jade’s eyes." That's the same thing she did with John! Guess she's trying to find out some of her secrets.

"Jade unwittingly responds in kind, looking for meaning behind Roxy’s gaze. But she comes up empty. And to be honest, so do I." That unfathomable personality might be your spanner in the works, Dirk. I can only hope she's secretly onto him. Her Void powers manifest the 'obscurity' different from Equius.

"In the spirit of full disclosure, Roxy’s the only one left I haven’t been able to crack. Her mind remains a total enigma to me, just like it always has." It's interesting, since they share so much in childhood upbringing, progeny, demeanor even at times...

"invisible, even to increasingly omniscient parties such as myself" *coughDocScratchcough* ... What would Reload Roxy be doing right now, assuming the session's timeline didn't stop when Caliborn's soul 'left' it?

"ROXY: but shes not betty crocker ROXY: and i luv her and i dont wanna hurt her feelings" N'aww.

"ROXY: and thats p much all there is to say on the matter" Second time the phrase's been used in the epilogues!

"CALLIOPE: oh, i’d rather stay Uninvolved, thank yoU." Passive player to the brink.

"CALLIOPE: i feel like interfering in both politics and a personal argUment between my friends woUld be impolite as well as kind of... stressfUl, to be honest. JADE: yeah JADE: sorry callie i probably shouldnt have put all that on you CALLIOPE: less apologizing, more snacking!" It's nice to see they're cutting her some slack. A horrible childhood, an early death, a spiel as a ghost... Oh, sure, she's one of the good guys and as such would have some responsibilities in the end, but it's nice for a change they don't expect too much from her. Maybe a bit too little for her own good, but still.

"Calliope claps her hands together. It’s a bright noise. Her tone of voice is bright too. All these years and she still can’t believe that she has so many friends. She smiles at Jade, and Jade smiles back. The tea tastes great. The cakes are even better. Callie’s an artist in everything she does." ^u^ Aww, that warms my heart at least.

"JADE: wow callie youre such an amazing hostess!" ... Well, she's a more excellent host than Doc Scratch, for sure!

"ROXY: psst not “her,” “them”" ... I see! Well, guess we'll be getting some more insight into the androgyn bodies of cherubs and how Calliope has updated her self image over all these years? Caliborn still had the giant eyelashes, so it stands to reason there were also other, more masculine traits to Calliope's body even when she still shared it with her brother.

"JADE: oh wow!" Oh, I figured Jade already knew about Calliope's preferred pronouns, but it seems not!

"CALLIOPE: bUt i did take comfort in “being a girl” for a very long time. this is something i’ve only recently decided." ... I just remembered how Calmasis also was this androgynous figure. ... I wonder if Calliope will be thinking about a name change.

So, I don't think Roxy's haircut is a sign she's genderfluid now too, but I imagine a lot of fanart has already been created for butch!Roxy by the time I read this.

"ROXY: m-me too actually" Oh. N-never mind then. That caught me unaware! I didn't see that in Roxy. For one, despite all the pink and the ponies, she didn't seem like she felt "trapped" in a role to me. Unlike Calliope, where I can see how she might have felt obliged to embrace everything not-Caliborn.

But this does shed a whole new light on Mom's overly childish and girlish bedroom in the lab. Like she was trying to compensate for something. Uhm... It might also be one of the main reasons behind her drinking problem. Her embracing girlish, adult woman habits but never feeling like they 'fit'.

Well well. Homestuck's main characters continue to be representation incarnate.

"Wait.

   What?" PFFFFFFFFFF. I love it. Dirk's reaction is gold. Guess this completely blindsided him too and didn't shed any more lights on the inner workings of her mind than he thought. So even if he knew she was holding something back after the "yea", and maybe encouraged her to keep speaking, he didn't know what to expect.

"Roxy? Seriously?

Like I said, fucking inscrutable." Dirk has NOT just had an "I knew it!" moment.

"I never would have guessed. Not that I’ve spent much time contemplating issues related to gender. I’m pretty secure in my expression of masculinity, and..." That's a suspiciously specific acknowledgement, though, Dirky boy. :P

"You know what? Fuck this. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of any sort on this topic. I’m confident with who I am, what I am, my gender, as well as my understanding of the concept. You want my honest opinion? It’s fucking fantastic. Good for them. Both of them, I mean, but also, both of them in a singular fashion, since each one can now individually be referred to by the conventionally plural word “them.”" Pffff, of all the things. I didn't think this would have Dirk fly off the handle in such a Dave-way, while still narrating, but I'm happy to see it. In an out-of-story sense, Dirk is currently the audience surrogate, showcasing what a "true fanboy"'s reaction could be like, if they were both shocked to the core but mature enough to get over their shock without throwing around accusations and tantrums.

But yeah, at least the aloofness is gone from his voice, for just this time.

"I’m ecstatic for this personal development they’ve embraced, for the people they are, the lack of gender they identify with, and the pronouns they prefer. I’ve got no problem with it whatsoever, and frankly, it’s fucking insulting anyone would ever imagine otherwise." I can picture him speaking through gritted teeth, it's glorious! 'This is good, this is fine. I am doing great!'

"ROXY: ahah hahaha hell of a way to come out" Ooh, so she's not even out to Jane or Rose yet!

"ROXY: what even is gender" That is SUCH a Roxy thing to say. Also, almost stoner like. Picture Gamzee going like (in his quirk): 'Have you ever really THOUGHT about gender, man? I mean, really THOUGHT about it.'

"Jade looks at where her hands are folded in her lap. Bites her lip. She has her own concerns about this, her own thoughts. Reasonable thoughts, I’d say." "ROXY: i mean that was all stuff from our old universe ROXY: whyd we even bring it here right? JADE: right" I think for Jade it's not something she'd discard so easily! I mean, it all depends on whether 'gender' is something antigonal to your self image, in the end, I guess. If it isn't hindering you... that's how you stay heteronormative in some or all elements.

"Calliope takes a teacake between two of her claws and eats it delicately, hyper-aware of the horrible gnashing and snapping her powerful jaw is capable of.

CALLIOPE: my ideas aboUt gend—

SHIT. Between two of /their/ claws." HAH. Oh my god. The narration cut off Calliope. ... Pffff, though it IS a good callout, since I've been using gendered pronouns still to refer to Calliope. Whoops!

"CALLIOPE: i sUppose i only thoUght of myself as a girl because my, Um... CALLIOPE: my brother took mascUlinity qUite serioUsly." A) Still not saying his name :P B) Using his preferred pronouns.

"CALLIOPE: by which i mean, he became very enthUsiastic aboUt all the things it sUpposedly meant to be a boy. CALLIOPE: cherUb existence is dichotomoUs, bUt not in the same way hUman biology is. CALLIOPE: i sUppose oUr view of hUman cUlture indirectly inflUenced alternia’s development, which in tUrn affected yoUrs, which is something i’ve had a lot of time to think aboUt since we came here." Oh right! Lord English & Doc Scratch helped shape Alternia's development, so in a lot of bad ways there was a focus on power and masculinity, which may have trickled down into Earth's because of who created our universe, and thus it might all have been a self fulfilling prophecy, what Caliborn's gender identity is concerned! Guess we were due another one of these loops. :P

"ROXY: so much of what earth c thinks what boys and girls “SHOULD” do comes straight from the imagination of a bunch of dumb teens ROXY: which is totally FUCKED JADE: sure" Yes, and so much of what Earth C "should" be like, as a victory state reward planet, and the epilogues by extension, exists only in the imagination of a bunch of dumb humans spread over this globe. :P I reek a callout. Not undeserved, mind.

"She probably would have loved being a “they” when she was a teen." (Referring to Jade.) I'll grant you that, Dirk. But I thought you were doing paraphrasing other people's thoughts for the course of this conversation?

"i liked the idea of dirk" He'll love to hear that. :P Well, you know, Karkat had the same thing, he loved the idea of Condesce as a powerful leader, if not always the result of that leadership.

"ROXY: and also literally no one else on the entire planet was alive at the time

ROXY: but we had some babies without even bein consulted about it anyway so w/e" Context!

"JADE: personally im a big fan!

And like that, Jade’s smiling again." Nothing like Dave & Karkat to lift her mood. :P

"The storm clouds pass so quickly in her world, you almost wouldn’t have thought there was anything wrong at all. Roxy and Calliope certainly didn’t notice.

But there is something wrong. And this time, they’ll notice." Uhhh, wrong with Jade? Or something wrong with Earth C in general? Besides Dirk taking over, I mean. Oh no! ... Calliope left the kettle on! :P

"JADE: i... JADE: i.........

Jade drops her tea. The cup hits the floor and shatters." ... Is she passing out?? Just like Rose??

... Oh no. This doesn't have anything to do with John going back, retconning the timeline, and some of their selves being killed right? It shouldn't influence them, since they're from a different timeline, but with the talk about canon and relevance and truth and shit...

Is Dave going to pass out next???

Did John accidentally change the Reload timeline to be the alpha one, and is the future adjusting to the changes??? Or is it due to something to do with Lord English' powers in killing a different 'real' version of them?

"She takes in a sharp breath. She’s not feeling well suddenly. She’s dizzy, feverish, seeing things beyond her field of vision. A blinding flash of light. A black, perfect circle, burning a hole in her eyes." Wow. Just like John, she gets a vision of the Black Hole! So, maybe it's more like she gets backlash from suddenly absorbing the memories of Reload Jade.

"She doesn’t look bad at all— Jade wears unconsciousness well, having spent the better part of her life napping." Aaaand we're back in sleeping beauty terrain.

"But she can’t hear her. Jade is somewhere else right now." Uhhhhh. I thought they didn't really dream in the dreambubbles post-victory no more?? Also, those were all destroyed by LE, anyway.

Dang. That's weird.

Are the B1 kids (adults) actually going to be gathering in the Furthest Ring in 'person'? But why, and how? ... There isn't anything like a 'dreambubble self' body that persists in the Furthest Ring that John could have woken up like how you could wake people up on Derse and Prospit. ... Now I'm reminded of an old fanart I made of a green moon circling the Green Sun, with green dream selves for all humans & trolls we knew at the time (B1 and A2). :P

[patchdotexe]

Fix-it Leo: Katie / KG

welcome to something im tenatively calling “fix-it leo”, where i take my really old OCs and try to make sense of them! i’ve previously done this with Shadowy, which you can read here. seeing as im redrawing & “bringing back” a few other old ocs i figured id make this a series of talking about things! unlike the Shadowy one this doesnt have pictures beyond the initial ref bc i dont want to murder my hand and im also not sure how to draw some of this

today’s subject: Katie! also known as KG.

KG’s from 2010-ish, so some time after Shadowy but before the Shattered Worlds rework. to be as specific as possible, he’s from a RP setting that people that have known me closely have at least heard mentioned, if not seen snippets of it outright: KL, the massive crossover including any character and setting me & my friends wanted to RP.

as a self-insert character in crossover hell, Katie is VERY weird.

it was really hard for me to find info on Katie, because i actually had a bunch of OCs using that name that were my direct self-inserts for RP & story purposes both in and outside of KL. the unifying idea was that he was kinda just Me but in a fictional universe... and, apparently according to what info i DID find, all of the various Katies were. actually the same person, just in various conflicting situations with various conflicting backstories? so me stitching it all together got kinda weird. i did find a starting point though, so, uh... here we go!

as a general overview, Katie is pretty much just me. autistic, ADHD, likes videogames and art, bad social anxiety conflicting with desperately needing validation from everyone around him. he also has a very short temper and no volume control, which was usually a comedy thing but could also lead to him lashing out and doing/saying things he regrets, mostly hurting his friends. as a result he was kinda unpopular in his hometown... except for a small handful of friends he went to school with.

one night, he decides to go camp out with his friends to watch a meteor shower cause hes pretty fascinated by comets & shit like that. one of his friends, Elson, was acting pretty weird about it but Katie’s too excited to take much note of it up until the meteor shower “starts early” and Elson runs off into the woods. confused and startled, he gives chase. then, uh, the fucking apocalypse happens.

a lot of plot happens that im skipping over bc this is gonna be long enough as it is, but it gets revealed that Elson is actually an incognito alien named Elohim and an alien invasion is happening and wiping out civilization, and Katie is just. running out of sanity. being a main character SUCKS. he has a tragic backstory now, his friend (who he kind of had a crush on?) is an alien and is partially responsible for his tragic backstory, they join a rebellion after confirming “yeah your family’s dead as hell” and go to space, and finally find out that the leader of the aliens got a case of “jewelry makes you evil”.

they save the day obvs, with the help of some other people they ran into, and Katie has a moment of “well, fuck” bc his hometown is still extremely exploded and his family is still extremely dead and he’s like .5 miliseconds away from a mental breakdown. he then has a conversation that goes roughly like this:

person that helped them bust out of alien jail: hey, i think i know someplace you can stay katie: my house exploded person: cmon trust me

and then it turns out that that guy is actually Ninten and he’d just helped save the world with a fictional character, and before he has any opportunity to go “wait, what” he gets pulled through a portal by him and ends up somewhere totally different. more specifically, he’s now in the Earthbound universe, and his brain is going “[dial up noises]” a whole lot bc its not like his life was weird ENOUGH now he’s just... ditched his home reality??? with Ninten’s help??? and Ninten’s taking all of it in stride and ends up explaining the multiverse to him and that he’s one of the guys who ended up with the ability to worldhop and had stopped by Katie’s universe because he knew the possessed alien guy. he’s also apparently used to having to help people acclimate to massive paradigm shifts caused by multiversal fuckery.

so Katie’s just kinda trying to wrap his head around this, but takes Ninten up on his offer to go get to meet people and he goes to the Nowhere Islands! which was like, basically the hub location of KL. and then things get EXTRA surreal for Katie, because like... he used to write fanfic, and come up with story ideas that he daydreamed about a lot before everything exploded, and he bumps into Kurousu who is his OC. and there’s a lot of “UHHHH”-ing but he plays it off and befriends her, and its finally starting to sink in that yeah, he’s hanging out in this super weird crossover reality now, and he tries to make the most of it!

then some... weird things start happening. Tank, Joseph, and Vince make a jump to the Persona universe to do some plot stuff and run into Katie there, where he’s apparently joined SEES? except the last time they’d seen him, he’d been acting as a lackey to one of the arc villains because of a FMian from the Megaman universe screwing with him and taking advantage of his trauma to create a “new” Gemini Spark. and they start to write it off as “well i guess he’s like Tails where there’s some AUs of him running around” except... he recognizes them each time? but looks different and has different backstories and nothing really adds up. the next time a protagonist sees him, it’s Artemis post-getting turned into a Nobody finding Katie’s Nobody, Teixak, who apparently was very excited about getting to meet Roxas... despite, according to himself, having been living in Twilight Town for as long as he could remember. while also being very aware and very confused that that contradicts everything else about him.

teixak: eeee you mean i get to meet roxas?! he’s my favourite kingdom hearts character!! >w< rasemtix: ...you do realize you just told me youre from this universe, right? you were just explaining to me about how you lived here with leixand until the shadows attacked you two and stole your hearts. teixak: eh..? hm. ............Hm. but.... hm.

meanwhile on Katie’s end of things, he gets his heart stuffed back in his body and he reconciles with his externalized FMian-induced evil side and various other things from various other worlds, but everything feels weird and disjointed. he remembers attending school at Gekkougan, but also remembers living in Echo Ridge, but also remembers Twilight Town, but also remembers living in a boring world that got invaded by aliens where also all of this was just videogames and books and animes and OCs. and then things start getting weirder for him. he makes a joke to Artemis about “hey, remember when we got in a big fight cause i hit you with a sign?” and he doesn’t remember it. he teases Ninten about something personal and Ninten freezes up and asks him how he knows that, and Katie gets confused because he told him. he has an even more personal talk with T1, and then has  the same talk later but with slightly different words. and it’s starting to look like it’s not just “various Katies”, it’s Katie also dealing with various... varieties of everyone else, and he’s pretty much spinning a wheel on “what version of events am i in today?”

he finally gets an answer after a while-- something went really weird and really wrong when Ninten first brought him into the KL multiverse. the Katie that told Gomess about the Andromeda Key is the same Katie that joined SEES is the same Katie that got his heart stolen is the same Katie that got rescued from an apocalypse, but he’s sort of... existing simultaneously in different realities with slight “adjustments” to his personal history depending on what universe he’s encountered in. he also exists “outside of canon”, so some of the weirder memories he has are from rewrites or scrapped plotlines or noncanon moments that sometimes clip into canon when theyre not supposed to. apocalypse!Katie is the “primary”/original Katie, and that’s where all his weird meta knowledge comes from.

it’s... really confusing, and nobody really “gets” it, least of all Katie himself. he just knows that he’s ended up with a bunch of cool powers, although he’s not  really sure what he’s doing and has been a villain at least two universes. he also has a severe case of main character-itis (hence getting a Persona, getting his heart stolen, etc), and still isnt sure how to tell if he’s interacting with the “canon” versions of everybody or not. he’s at least unable to cause weird bizarre paradoxes by interacting with himself; trying to visit one of the universes he has an “echo” in just causes a perspective switch to the resident Katie. Katie also has access to all of his abilities as long as he’s not in a universe with a resident Katie; apocalypse!Katie has no abilities at all, starforce!Katie only has his FMian transformation, kh!Katie can only use his Keyblade, etc. this only starts being a thing after he “clicks” with his new existence.

he also has various outfits and aesthetics depending on universe, with the one i drew being his “outside canon“/default one. he gets cat ears! and Outsider eyes. Katie also has a bad habit of stealing things from universes he visits, and as a result has a collection of random things that he really shouldnt.

[tumblunni]

I always laugh whenever something happens to remind me that the number of notes really doesn't indicate how good I am, yknow?

Tumblr is extra bad for it but really all social media works that way. Your notes/views/whatever don't mean that's how good you are, just how many people KNOW you're good.

So many times i've had art or memes or ideas or whatever that i've posted and they're had 0 notes for months. And then suddenly out of nowhere they'll pick up 500 notes in a day! Sometimes even years after i made them! It's just pure luck of someone reblogging it who has a large audience, or it landing on the right person's dash at the right time for them to see it, or some reccommendation algorhythm bullshit or whatever. Doing 'daytime self-reblog' actually works, sometimes its simply that nobody was online cos all my followers are in different time zones.

Like for example my most popular post is "cyrus vs science side of tumblr", which went ages before suddenly getting notes. A recent hit is "official currency of fat pikachu" which had 3 notes back when i first posted it, abd when i decided to re-reblog it to talk about my childhood pikachu Chuppy it suddenly exploded into 100 notes a day! A two or three year old post "what if there were group names for pokemon" spontaneously started spewing notes around august and took the new crown of my most popular post for seemingly no reason. And man i'll never even know the reason! Did someone link it on another site? Did someone more popular reblog it? Did it end up in tumblr's algorhythm? Who knows! I just knows that I felt like my ideas were dumb and i shouldnt have posted it way back then, and i never would have guessed it could bevome so much more popular if i just waited a little while.

And you can see this proven in so much other stuff too! There's countless movies and games that are cult classics now but were unpopular on release day. Popularity isn't proof of objectively how good you are, its at least 50% luck of advertising.

Wish i knew some better techniques for advertising on tumblr tho... Guess i just gotta wait until one of these random moments happens again and hope this time i get a clue as to why...

Anyway thank you everyone who's been appreciating my old posts lately!! I do not know why you do this thing but THANK YOUUU

[meetnombre]

I promised myself that would keep this blog sfw. That I would fill it full of things that would make many other people happy and to help them escape from the outside world. It was supposed to be my little corner of the web that would be free from real world politics. I guess, today is finally that time where I have to break that promise.

The whole thing started just as Hasbro released the last episode of the first season of My Little Pony. I discovered it all at once when I marathoned through the first season. For 6 months afterwards, I have been following the pony fandom with a passion, but from a distance. Checking out other peoples art, lurking in forums, sending anon messages to other people’s tumblrs. That kind of stuff. (what can I say? To this day, I am still a bit of a social outcast)

It wasnt until one fateful day when I came across a certain someone’s tumblr blog through another person’s livestream. Not gonna mention any names (SilverBlaze! XD), but anyways! It was through this person’s tumblr that I was encouraged very strongly to introduce myself to someone from the fandom for the very first time. What pretty much happened was that I whacked this awesome guy an anonymous donation through his paypal associated with his new tumblr. What immediately happened afterwards was that his OC absolutely freaked out. Maybe I shouldnt have anonymously sent the post: “Here! Have a bag of free money!” as an anon...oh well XP This person helped me to muster the courage to create an online identity that I could use to interact with the fandom a lot better. He drew me my very own pony! (I still remember the livestream, where Silver started drawing “nombre” without a reference…remember the “meet nombre” image that used to be at the top of my tumblr? That was a modified screenshot of what Silver actually drew for me XD. He then scribbled it out, and began drawing my very own nombre! He asked me if I wanted nombre to be a boy or a girl, as he already started to draw long eyelashes for nombre. I was like “Nombre is a boy! NOMBRE IS A BOY!”, and he quickly removed the eyelashes after that X) ). I eventually took my brand new oc, created my very own tumblr…but then decided to wait until a better time to reveal my tumblr, as I kind of accidentally got Heart Lift, Sparks, and Toast Lift to swap bodies on purpose XP

But yeah! Finally went public with my tumblr, and eventually met someone else (Kappa! XP). I visited quite a few of her livestreams (when silver wasnt streaming, obviously XP), and we just…talked. We caught up with each other so much…we really gotta catch up with each other some more. But what happenned eventually was that Kappa invited me to a group chat where Silver and so many other awesome people got to hang out with each other. I met so many idols of my time and so many new faces, all of which soon became mutual friends. I literally felt like one of the richest people on the planet. I even met someone (Andie!), who soon became my girlfriend!

I still remember bits and pieces of the first group voice chat that I had with this group. One of the guys first impressions was “Is this guy serious?” (Kaipo XP), and “I’m more concerned that this guy works with live explosives for a living” (Rainboom XD)

It didnt last forever. Nothing lasts forever. One of my close friends from that group was forced to leave because he kept on getting anonymous hate from someone else. He didnt know who it was, so he was about at that stage where he was going to shut himself off from ‘everyone’. Good job anon! Good job! *slow clap*

I remember very well the time when that group that helped me with my depression got themselves a new certain member. Things were all good for a while…until that certain member made a techno remix, and asked the group as to what they thought of it. The problem was the title that he chose for it, as it was completely unrelated to the music itself, completely unnecessary, and pretty offensive to a lot of people (I’m pretty sure it was something like “Retarded Austistics” or “Autistic Retards” or something simular…..yeah…). That person was eventually removed from the group, but there was a bit of mayhem in the process, as ‘every single member of the group had moderator powers’. The incident served as a wakeup call to the group, so what happenned was that everyone was disbanded from the old group, and a new group was established…

…but here’s the thing. Not everyone was allowed into the new group. There was one person, who apparently the slim majority at the time decided that they didnt want in the new group. A lot of dramas happened since this event, but this particular separation in my opinion was a pretty big deal, as she was kind of a big part of the group at the time, and a big part of my life.

So! The one big group of people who meant so much to me ended up splitting into 2 separate groups. I stayed silent about the whole thing since then, hoping that someday maybe everyone will let bygones be bygones, because we were all friends once. Instead the opposite happened. Years later, a lot of people started forgetting each other. I could have been more proactive at the time to try and preserve what we all had, but I was worried about hurting someone in the process. I didnt know what to do.

My girlfriend broke up with me, and it was pretty much my fault. After being together for 3 months, she approached me and said that she needed some time apart...and I absolutely flipped my shit. I ended up saying a ‘lot’ of stupid shit that sent her into an absolute chronic panic attack. This drove her to the point where she told me straight up that I was no different from any of the other horrible people in her life. I felt like a real asshole when she said that. I said a lot of things that I shouldnt have said that day.

I was very fortunate to still have her as a friend after all of that. ‘Very’ fortunate.

It was about 3 months after this however that she decided to close her tumblr and delete her skype. She told me that she found happiness outside of this world that she built up. Over 2 years passed since she sent me that post, 2 years that she went missing. That’s long enough to legally declare anyone dead (not kidding either. After all of the low’s that she had been through, my mind was really starting to wonder into some pretty dark places as to what might have happened to her. I was so scared). But everything was okay! I actually got a message from her after all of those years from her telling me that she was doing very well and has settled down with someone else.

All I wanted was the best for her and for her to be happy. Nothing has changed. Even if is with someone else, I dont care. She ‘is’ happy, and she ‘is’ doing what is best for her, and thats all that matters. Hell, I’d approach this guy and shake his hand if it wasn’t for the fact that it would probably make things awkward for everyone XD

But as for me, I’m stuck. I dont really know what to do with myself anymore. When you give someone your heart and things dont work out, most people would get over it. Most people would have found a rebound relationship right now or something, but I guess I’m just not like most people. It’s not just because of my past, but its also because of my toxic present and future. I work in a workplace that can be pretty toxic at times. It’s like, you go back to work after your rostered days off to be meeted by ‘many’ old fashioned people who ask you inappropriate questions like “Hey Nombre! Did you get a root on break?” or “Hey Nombre! You should go get a hooker! You might like it!” over and over because they think its funny to do so, it just puts me off so much. I’m fine as I am! I dont mind being single, even if its for the rest of my life...but there are a lot of people out there who think its okay to treat other people like shit because they are ‘different’, when in reality, my workplace is full of old dirty perverts.

Meanwhile, I’m hardly ever online anymore. Every time I do manage to return to eavesdrop on everyone, it feels like everyone is just becoming more and more isolated from each other. I saw a post on ‘that’ group from someone who said that they wondered what I was up to, to which someone else replied that I pretty much only use tumblr now...and that really hurt me a lot. I cant blame them for thinking that way though, given that I hardly appear anymore. I deserved that.

Every time I look into my tumblrs past posts, I always have dramas. This was supposed to be a place of fun, but because the peak of my tumblr career involved the misadventures between myself and my ex and a certain red horse, looking back always brings up a lot of repressed memories.

I dont want to quit tumblr. But at the same time, I dont want to keep going. I dont know what to do. I really wish that things could have been like they were back in the first quarter of 2013. I liked that.

Over 5 years since then, and I dont know how to move on. I really dont.

[ant0on]

It’s been almost a year from the drama. What are your thoughts on all the principal actors? How have you been holding up?

I didnt realize until months later after the drama has ended that its extremely exhausting and energy draining to be part of it. People keep spamming the comment sections of my posts with the stuff I didnt even do to this very day (not much on youtube anymore, but on other sites where I post) and theres a whole antifa subreddit which creates fiction about me on a regular basis. But I am quite glad that all my detractors got whet they deserved from other factors. 

 Prison Mate Luke was the first elimination, as he burned himself with so much lies and BS that even his friends had to put him down (just stop especially). He became a decently sized channel in less than a year thanks to drama, and drama is what destroyed him in the end.

 Creepshow Art was the second big self-destruct. She had built this SJW queen persona over the years, and then it turned out she was only playing a role. Deep down she is a maniac, crazy obsessed witch controlled by her sick husband. That woman she harassed  for years put the last nail in the coffin of Shannon.

Hopeless PEaches was a low level detractor as she did only one video on me, but soon after her long and confusing drama has finished and she regained her lost subs, she decided to quit Youtube. Who knows for how long or if its for good, but either way she shouldnt play with fire if she cant handle the heat of online drama. She is the only person I feel that can learn from her mistakes in this list.

HarleyTBS was recently been exposed for contant manipulation and lying, as he used so much clickbait to get views he even fabricated the whole groomer story to get clout. He recently admited to it, but because hes a small channel nobody will really cover this. He also had some beef with Sen, and so he ended up apologizing to Sen for being a cunt. Harley is a dirty rat, and an ugly teenager, but maybe there is still hope for him when he learns what the real world is like outside his bubble He still thinks spanking a child is porn....

Just Stop. Nothing much to say, he gave up doing commentary on drama shortly after the Creepshow debacle, as he realized that he can get the same treatment as Shannon did one day for all the fucked up shit he got away with so far. He is a minor (almost 18) so nobody wants to touch him in fear that they would get called a bully. But I dont think he will remember these teenage years he wasted on shitty drama videos to be worth it when he grows up. He already posts regularly how he suffers from anxiety, depression etc. This is only a start of a typical cartoon/anime reviewer. 

Daft Pina is the only one who is a stubborn enough pimple that wont be completely squeezed just yet. This year he did have a mixed bag of videos, some were successful on youtube in terms of views, but twitter saw most of them as sign that he is next in line to get the cancel treatment. Im still surprised the Discord Incel video got so much views and likes despite being completely wrong in every single way lol . AetherionArt can say his slurs as much as he wants, he black, gay and whatever else. But calling him an incel is pretty dumb, yet Dafts fans eat it all up. Not to mention Daft made that 1 year old drama trip to JohnBob, who for some reason had to be brought up together with his victims because Daft Pina wanted views. It was the most pointless video Ive seen. But now that he tried to dox someone for another dumb reason, Twitter is finally grabbing the pitchforks, so I think Daft wlll have a rough time moving forward as he has gained so much hate recently. I and my buddy are making a little something for Daft btw :P hope he likes it.

Puppychans Kiwifarms thread has been getting so big Im surrpised nobody is making videos on her, but I guess everyone is scared to call out a fake trans, black, non-binary, lesbian, fetish furry artist. I found it funny someone posted her tweets about how she was a victim of the evil alt right antoons lol And then a few weeks later she says how strong she was and that nothing can stop her, but then suicide baits her young fans the next day.

I myself am glad I dont have twitter anymore and I dont post on pretty much anything right now outside discord and here (only qna). I learned how much energy went to the drama and that while it was amusing af to troll these losers and play a part in the theatre with them I dont want to be in something like this again, at least for now. I was becoming more anxious and stressed, I thought some of the posts saying how someone wants to kill me were true. At first I was fine with the risk , but as I moved away from the drama the thoughts return as soon as I see some of the hater comments now and then. 

Still, I want to complete that Drama part II video one day, to let everyone know the full story but I just feel weaker rn than I was, but thats from overwork, I havent had a day off for over a month. I work on weekends too. 

[drkla-archive]

HOW DO YOU RUN YOUR BLOG + SHIPPING MEME

|| shipping meme will be under the cut as it’ll get really long other wise. I didnt wanna do two posts over a general mod info thing, I guess? alskmd i dont have much for shipping anyway. gomenasorry. ||

Speed: HEY HO. As you can tell. I’m not fast at all. If i find my grove, I readily stay within the one to two week mark, but if my mood dips like it has been for the past month, i fall back behind for about that amount of time as well. Real life is usually a factor in that even with my several blogs now. Generally, if we talk about what’ll happen, or keep in contact on occasion, i’ll pipe those replies first and feel confident about where to take it. Really the fastest to get me replying is making me angry or challenging me to reply back fast and BOY HOWDY YOU’rE ON, LETS JAM. Personally, I reply to things fast if i have an immediate idea/way to write a reply.

Replies: Surprise, part of my sporadic reply time has to do with how I write replies too. I’ll have about three or four open at a time and write a few sentences here and there across them all until i hit that sweet spot where i can just bog the rest down. My trouble is always getting started or far enough with the start of a reply so the rest can flow. I spend too much time thinkig about that stuff and i really shouldnt oops.  I usually try to get the older ones done  inbetween whatever ones I want to reply. It’s a nice balance.

Starters: I prefer plotting than making starter calls here and there, but I’m a fan of long plots so that can be an issue when other people’s muses float away after writing starters and etc.. HOWEVER, this conflicts with the fun i have crafting up scenarios and interactions. That gets funneled into asks a little better i think, where i’m not expectant of replies or anything beyond a like. I’m always excited for going off asks for rps too. scenarios are fun. 

Inbox:  If I reblog memes. I tend to get them done that day or within tthe week. I tend to see them more as break, fun, and times for when i’m not in the mood for writing replies, or the means to get me back into the swing of writing my character.I feel a little bad putting full focus on them oops

Selectivity:  I’m private and selective.I follow/follow back those who I see my character interacting with, or if i know the mods personally, their blogs. I dont have the socialness to being open or being taken advantage of when it comes to art and the like. I’ve have people in the past want to be my friend/ ship with me only for my art.  its really kinda annoying and obvious when this happens.

Wishlist item: Hhhhhhhhhhh. I have a lot. I love being able to slip into Berserker’s Vlad’s madness and the little idiosyncrasies with it, and especially if they’re called out on it or noticed.  It’s a super fun bounce back or even temper to get to play with. but at the same time I’d like him to develop relationships and long standing things but with the way people have gone and left before that can happen is like  awh man.. Understandable, but what can ya do, yanno. 

Honest note: I dunno. I really enjoy FGOVlad and getting to write him so it’s been really fun. I dont really have much to say beyond that.

SHIPPING INFO // answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog.

WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE?: Well my own twitter ousts me for liking St. George and FGO Vlad but I wouldnt call it an otp so much as a simple ship i like. I dont have any ships on vlad here tho.. and any potentials i do like, I wont actually say because I dont want anyone to conform to me for that kinda stuff asndakgh.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?: Most things??? However I am not a fan of forced drama between characters.If it is not natural, then I will not do it.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?: Hhhhhhhh. If my muse is old enough to be your character’s parent, that’s too much for me. It dips between  15-20 years. I will never ship with young masters.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?: I guess pretty selective? Most of the time I dont see it happening with my muse/ people arent around long enough for him to come to that kinda ‘like’ (weep) beyond well.. vampire hi time to nom u.

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED NS.FW?:  when the clothes start to come off tbh. shrug emoji.

WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH?: i GUESS ATM. ITS’S JUST  Orrie’s @nordiixa Brynhilder and Mellu’s @motherfuckingredsaber Nero but the two are just platonic friends so i dont think that really counts??? Bro’s Vlad would be here too but that’s narcissism and generally frowned on.

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?: Preferably once a certain point, but one does not necessarily have to ask me if the pace is right Asking is good because it could mean the difference between someone lose their blood or gets a hug. /shrug.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?: Rarely. I enjoy ships as they develop or are plotted out. It’s probably the characters i pick up that are factors of this.

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS?:  wtf is ship more or less. i dont underSTAND. but no im not a big shipper. im sorry to disappoint..........

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?: EY,  separate for verses I suppose?? Individual cases. shrug

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?: ngl doing stuff with the Vlads @voyvodas and Orrie’s Bryn is very cute and i enjoy that. uu / ♥ their bryn + extravlad is like choice too.

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?: Talk to me... ask..... have patience...... rp with me... be respectful..... be vlad’s friend...... and..stick around... alksmalkm

tagged by: idk anymore its bene too long. Probably orrie tho.

[heyitdell]

Dr. Kill Killed My Twitter Account

The tweet I replied to is here : https://twitter.com/vilepluff/status/1067307456735428608?s=21

(BEFORE I CONTINUE I AM A HUGE FAN OF ROB AND I LOVE HIM AND HIS ART VRY MUCH. IT’S THE TWEET I REPLIED TO THAT I AM SHOWING YOU. HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR TWITTERS VILE DEED HE IS BERY COOL AND GOOD)

The response I had to Rob’s tweet was - “you are ugly. you are disgusting. I am going to kill you”. For those of you that don’t know about Dr. Kill, here is the video : https://youtu.be/Wv90VnDjgeM

My response to his tweet (which was a reference to the Dr. Kill video) was also a Dr. Kill reference. It was not, in any way possible, a legitimate threat towards Rob. I was only referencing the SAME VIDEO that he was also referencing.

Now keep in mind, before the initial “shut the hell up bitch” tweed was posted, he made this tweet : https://twitter.com/vilepluff/status/1066545180268990465?s=21

(AGAIN, I RESPECT AND LVE ROB VERY MUCH THIS IS NOT HIS FAULT)

So, not only did he make a tweet referencing the video, he even made a tweet a couple days prior with the damn video in it (WHICH I LIKED A LOT AND RETWEETED THE FUCK OUT OF BEXAUSE ROB IS COOL AND EPIC PLEASE DONT THINK IM LASHING ON HIM IM JUST EXPLAINING). With this in mind, I responded with what I did. Because, y’know, the fucking video? I knew that he knew what the video was, therefore when I saw his tweet referencing the video I responded to his tweet ALSO REFERENCING THE SAME THING.

I replied to his tweet, and it got me suspended for threatening. The tweet I made is meaningless. I held no expectations towards the tweet I made. I didn’t expect it to get any likes or retweets. I just simply replied to his tweet (which was referencing something) with a tweet of my own (which was ALSO referencing something). I was literally sitting in my bed on my butt doing jack-all when I made the tweet. I didn’t think the damned thing would get me suspended. It was not a threat, it was a reference.

Again, again, again, I am not lashing out on Rob in any way. I genuinely like his posts and his art. I legitimately wish I had better income so that I could support his art with cash.

With that being said, and what needs to be shown having been shown, it is now time for the rant section of the tweet.

Alright so you see Rob’s twitter? His fucking Twitter? It’s 18+ I believe. NSFW. He makes his awsome art and funny comments on his twitter, but it can get NSFW at times. So why the FUCK did my response tweet towards a tweet made by an NSFW ACCOUNT get suspended for BIG BOY DANGEROUS SHIT.

All I’m imagining is that someone had to have reported the tweet. There’s no way twitter has bots that are THIS Christian. But HOW THE FUCK do you wind up on a thread from a TWEET MADE BY AN NSFW ACCOUNT and get OFFENDED. What kind of level of sub-level of petty do you need to be on to report a tweet that literally has nothing to do with you. A tweet from a damn account owned by some fucking 18 year old (me) with barley any followers crammed full of retweets.

With the info I have given previously, I feel absolutely 100% justified to be able to say that this entire situation is ABSURD AS HELL AND SHOULDNT EXIST. How the hell am I suppose to explain this to twitter customer service? Not only is the twitter customer service a pain in the ass to deal with, but this situation looks SO FUCKING BAD ON MY END. I can’t just walk up to Mr. Twitter him self and be like “that really offensive tweet I made isn’t actually offensive for it is a reference of something that I guess is offensive if you’re a moron” LIKE NO AAAAAAAAA. Fuck me for REFERENCING A VIDEO in a thread literally about REFERENCING A VIDEO.

You wanna know what’s even more funny? When I found out I was suspended, I went straight in to making my appeal ticket. The twitter website doesn’t tell you what you did. So in my ticket, I wrote something along the lines of “may I know what I did?” like some stupid kind of stupid little ASSHOLE IDIOT. BUT SILLY ME!!!? I should have known that I got an EMAIIIIL detailing why I was suspended! So I was like “shit alright” and tried to make another ticket explaining the whole reference thing and Dr. Kill and all of that. But after I sent the second ticket? YOU CANT HAVE TWO TICKETS. I got an email bein all like “you can’t have two bruh you gotta edit the one you already have”. HOW. HOW DO I DO THAT MR. JOHN TWITTER?? I CANT FIND THE OPTION ANYWHERE TO EDIT MY SHIT.

So my first damn ticket is absolutely worthless! I gotta wait for them to reply to that one, and see where I can go from there. I really hope I can explain, at some point, what I’m explaining to you guys now to them. It really is just one huge misunderstanding.

I enjoy Twitter a lot. I would never do something so absurd to get myself banned on somethin I enjoy so much. That’s just stupid. However, I feel absolutely fucked in the ass. This situation feels actually 100% unfixable.

If anyone can offer some help, I am all ears. Rob, if you are reading, I absolutely did not mean to threaten you. I am genuinely sorry. I know that you weren’t the one that reported my tweet or some shit, but I still feel like an apology is in order.

TL;DR - I referenced the Dr. Kill video as a reply to a tweet (which was also referencing the Dr. Kill video) and got my account suspended. And I am now positive that my account will remain suspended as it all seems like a huge misunderstanding. The added struggle of trying to communicate with Twitter’s customer service is also scaring me in to believing my Twitter is gone #LOL #PWNED #ELDERSREACTTOGANGAMSTYLE

Edit: My first ticket went through and they said that I will remain suspended, but now I can send my second ticket actually explaining what the hell happened so eehhh

EditEdit: Aight so I sent my second ticket explaining everything and such and I got the same response. I then tried making a second twitter on my computer and it got suspended on the spot. I am actually just straight up IP banned from Twitter because of this, so that’s cool I guess.