#i shouldnt get into it on tumblr i need to write this in a journal or call a friend or smth lmao

[lesbianpegbar]

anyone else fucking exhausted and feel like shit or is that just me

[cosmosflower92]

so i went ahead and pulled some cards for myself today, i used to keep a written tarot journal but 1 my carpultunnel hurts when i write by hand alot and 2 i wanted to share a little bit more about my journey with my faith here as well. so im gonna be opening a little window into more of my personal life and write about the cards i pull for myself here and talk about why i think each card pertains to me or my situation. i hope it will inspire others to start their own journey

8 of cups: this def pertains to jorge, i was in love with him for like 8 months and it turned out to be nothing, i fell and he pretended to, now all this situation brings me is pain, and its time to walk away even though it makes me sad to do so. this card usually shows up when we know we have put all our chips in and the return is not what we had hoped for and now its time to leave this person or situation behind. i think this also may pertain to me ignoring some bit physical issues i have been facing and choosing not to put them at the forfront of my mind. trying to pretend like everything is good even though im actually worried. i need to focus on what actually brings me joy, outside of another person, but just me. im working on that and with any hope i will make it to the other side of this.

temperance reversed: this card sometimes can indicate over indulgence, and i deff have been over indulging in alot of things i shouldnt like finding comfort in food or in adderal or in weed, sleep. i need to start to find some balance here soon. it can also indicate that its time to shake off some dead leaves and is time for me to re alighn my daily life so that its more inline with my goals and my future self. this card is also indicative of self healing, its time to do some inner work to heal the most damaged parts of myself, and this may need to be done more so in private, since this tumblr is basically my private corner of the internet and no one i know in real life knows about this blog i will choose to do it here!

knight of wands : this card usually points to a project or a vision that you see that you want to peruse, i have recently been making candles and i started messing around with pollyresin and i had the idea to start making plugs for people with stretched ears like mine with little cute flowers in them in a variety of sizes, i was looking for some new ones online a few weeks ago and couldnt find any and it was disappointing so im thinking of making some!! and this card is a sign to go for it!!.

Queen of swords : this card really was a describer card, it tells me i look for intellectual relationships instead of just heavy emotional ones, while i consider myself an em-path i also believe that i am a truth seeker and i have little time for bullshit and can usually see right through people, i have set boundaries for how i expect to be treated which can intimidate some people but the way i see it is if you treat me right i will treat you right and if you treat me wrong i just wont treat you at all, im not interested in confrontation or going back and forth i will just cut you out of my life if you are treating me badly.

king of pentacles : this one pertains alot with wealth and achieving your goes monetarily i think this also speaks a little about my small business, the candle shop has been kind of quiet since fall, i need to get back into that and into making my plugs, this card indicates that if i reach for my goals that it could be rewarding money wise, this card encourages me to move forward with my projects and put some more effort into them and not let them die, so thats what im gonna do!!!!

well anyways here is a small peak into my personal life and thoughts and how the spirits pertain to my paticular situations, i hope this inspires others to start their own journey!

[tygrrbomb]

I think I have to write this down in something other than a journal. I need help or feedback from the outside world. Even if it’s tumblr. I know this particular person, although they introduced me to tumblr, no longer uses it so they prolly, thankfully will not read this. 

I am struggling to maintain a friendship with my ex. And maybe we shouldnt be friends? But I broke up with them, and after a bumpy road, we became best friends and each of us struggled super hard to find our role with in that friendship and it really worked for awhile. But now they are a million miles away from me, even though they live a short ride away. There’s almost no communication, no texts or phone calls, sometimes theyll send me a tiktok or an instagram post they found funny. The friendship is so important to me, they are one of the most important people in my life, and I literally don��t think they think about me much at all. Except, for an annoyance that has tried to call to much or texted too many times in a row. They have achieved some level of internet fame, but I know they have time for a phone call or a text. And I know that they are actively choosing not to do that each day. And it hurts me, but I am stupidly hanging on. I’m hanging on so hard I want a friendship again so badly. I feel so connected to this person. But they do not feel the same way about me and I fucking know it, but I try so so hard. And I can’t get out of my head the idea of still trying. Its not worth it, I know it, but I just keep going anyway. Its so unhealthy. I wonder if I can even try to talk to them about it. Or if everything is just fucked. I really believe I should give up.

But I cant. Its so unhealthy. I just want them to try a little harder. Or care a little more, but you can’t make a person do either of those things. So here I am unnecessarily heartbroken and grieving the loss of one of my dearest friends, who is perfectly fine with out me. I have made so many concessions as of late. We used to talk at least once a day. Then we used to text back and forth I used to know what was going on in their life, and them in mine. They always tell me there is nothing going on. That isn’t true. Their life is so rich and I want to know about it. I am locked out. I’m so miserable. Fuck.  

[arthurflecksgirl]

{LAST ONE FOR NOW, I PROMISE} Arthur would've been a young man (late teens/early 20s) when the Beatles came to America. I could totally see them being a comfort for him in nervous episodes (bc Dear Prudence is SUCH a sweet song) and one of the few things connecting him to the outside world. Can you pretty pleeease think of any Arthur Beatles' fan headcanons? Also wanna throw it out there, I adore your blog and your poetry so much. It captures and entrances my soul whenever I open up my tumblr.

Hiiiiiii ! Awwww my god I dont even know what to say. Your kind words about my blog mean so much to me. Really. It means SO SO SO incredibly much. I cannot thank you enough, You are so sweet.

And dont ever think you shouldnt send another request, I love requests coming in. And I try to write them all. Sometimes it needs a bit longer but I appriciate them so much! I am thakful.

I really like your request. Especially because Joaquin is also a fan of the Beatles and I can totally see Artie being a fan,too. So I really hope you like the result. Feel hugged.

The autumn wind was blowing harsh through the streets of Gotham city. The sky darkened within minutes and dark clowds hung heavy above the skyscrapers. It seemed like a strorm was closing in. Arthur was looking outside the kitchen window, wondering if those heavy clouds will ever disappear. Especially the clouds blurrying his mind. Those inner storm that kept him awake at nights like these. He sipped on his cup of coffee, hoping that he will get some sleep tonight. His eyes seemed tired, like they didnt found any rest since days. But his mind was wide awake, going all over the place. Arthur started to hum a song. Quietly so he wouldnt wake his sleeping mother. Since there was always a song crossing his mind, he tend to hum a lot. Especially when he wasnt able to find sleep. Arthur was a sucker for good music, like Frank Sinatra or the Beatles. They helped him to calm down when nothing else did. Some nights he would just lie there on the couch, puffing one cigarette after another, listening to The beatles over and over again until the morning light coming through the window reminded him for how long he was listening. The beatles were very close to his heart ever since he discovered them when he was younger. Their musc helped him to feel less alone when his only company was his own troubled mind and the silence that filled the room. Arthur never had his own room. His livig space was the couch in the living room that was also used by his mum. Everytime she left the bedroom she would walk through the only space he had. Without a chance to close a door or any privacy.But listening to music at night, while he was suffering from insomnia was something he allowed himself to do, even if there was a chance to wake Penny. He needed it. Some nights the music in his head was enough to flow with, but other nights he  actually needed  to hear it allthrough the room. He was thankful for the beautifully written songs of his faveourite band. The beatles have helped him through some hard times. Some of his journal pages were filled with lyrics from his favourite songs and some drawings inspired by them. He would make lists of all the songs that meant something to him and explaied why exactly he was drawn to that song. He wished he had an ukulele, so he could learn how to play some of their tunes. Some nights Arthur would wake up from nightmares, wishing there was someone holding him. Longing for some loving arms to cradle him back to sleep. Thats when he put The Beatles on, to find some comfort in their music. To let his mind find some peace. Fore some reason Dear Prudence always managed to calm his mind. The melodies felt soothing to his heart. Almost like a warm blanket covering him when he was freezing from the insde. Sometimes when he was walking down the streets in Gotham, observing people, John Lennons "Imagine" crossed his mind. He liked his vision of a peaceful society, his idea of people not fighting each other but being supportive and empathic. The idea of humanity being actually there for one another was one of the things that never left his heart. Arthur was convinced that there must be a way to archive what John was singing about. He was dreaming big and he belived in the power of kindness and in the power of sharing laughter. Thats why he wnated to make people laugh. His wish to make people smile, to make Gotham- or the world- a better place was very important to him. Often he wished to get the chance to get to see them live. He imagined what a spcial experience it would be to actually see them perform and feel their presence. But sadly he didnt had enough money to buy a ticket to their shows. Arthur tend to daydream a lot. Daydreams of seeing The Beatles live and suddenly on of the guys would ask him to come up stage with them. Arthur fantasized about singing a song with them, playing the ukulele and maybe doing a little dance. John would tell him what a great dance he is and people would apploud him. Arthur pored the rest of the coffee in the sink. He realized he wasnt even in the mood of drinking a coffee at all. It wouldnt help him sleep anyway. He crawled up on the couch, covered himself with his green blanket and started singing to himself: "You know I cant sleep I can`t stop my brain You know its three weeks I`m going insane You know I`d give you everything I`ve got For a little piece of mind I`m so tired I`m feeling so upset Althouh I`m so tired I`ll have another cigarette..."

His voice was almost whispering the lyrics, like a lullaby to himself while he lit himself a cig, taking a deep drag before he put on some music for real. He closed his eyes while he inhaled the smoke. He wishes he could inhale the soothing melodies as well. Make them a part of his systhem to become one with a song. His body was resting but in his mind it felt like he was dancing. Floathing weightless through the air. Music to him wasnt just an experience of listening. It was magical to feel the music growing inside of him, transforming into something that was his own creation. Arthur kept listening to the music long after he  finished his pack of cigarettes. The sound of the stormy night outside his windows mixed with The beatles finally helped him sleep.  And maybe, one beautiful day he will wake up in the arms of someone who would share all of this with him.

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Only For A Moment (Prologue 1)

“Hi darling muffin! As you already know, I think about OFAM a lot...like ALOT. And I have a question. Bucky was obviously trailing the reader for a while before he let himself be seen/known by her. What was he possibly thinking or feeling when he first saw her? What was going through his mind during that time before he revealed himself?”

I fucking love you. Have I made that clear recently?

So. Tumblr ate @wonderlandmind4 ’s asks to me like 3 fucking times. But it may be for the best because instead of just answering you normally I’m gonna write a little prequel fic instead.

Hope this answers your question babe!

Bucky stares blankly at the ceiling of his small apartment. He can hear the traffic outside and the families in the apartments around him far better than any normal person ever could. For hours he lets those sounds wash over him, ground him, distract him from the ghosts in his head.

This was the benefit of being here rather than the farmhouse he’d stayed in for a couple of months after getting to Romania, the noise. Growing up in Brooklyn quiet was a hot commodity. Some part of him remembers seeking it out on rooftops and nighttime beach treks. Solitude away from city sounds, his parent’s arguing, his sister’s pestering. Now… he’d give anything to be annoyed by his family’s noise.

Sighing he finally sits up, leaning against the wall. He hadn’t left here in four days. The nightmares had been so bad. Flashbacks, the psychology book he read called them. Dreams so real they seeped into reality, distorted things to the point that a person couldn’t tell what was real. He was exhausted, on edge, and truly beginning to wonder why the fuck he was even trying.

Absently his fingers wander to the journal laying by the bed. That was why. He knew it in his bones. He wasn’t going to let go until he got it all back, everything they took from him, and he couldn’t go before telling Steve he was so sorry… How could he have done that-

His right fist slams into the mattress, the springs groaning in protest. This wasn’t doing him any good, hiding out in here. Being in the city was stressful sometimes but he wasn’t about to fly off the handle… he needs the distraction.

The October day is bright, a little warm even. Blue skies with perfect puffy clouds floating languidly about. It was beautiful. The perfect day to go to a park. He’d been meaning to check out Cișmigiu Gardens, so he sets off in that direction.

It’s barely noon when he gets there and seeing that it’s Thursday, the park is fairly deserted. There are enough people to serve as the distraction he needs, plus the park is beautiful, some flowers still blooming and foliage still fairly green despite fall being here.

“Alice!” Bucky spins on his heel toward the sound of the woman. She’s a few yards away running after a giggling toddler who’s heading straight for the water.

He moves to chase down the kid but a boy bolts from his sunny spot on a bench, fast, very fast. Something about the way he moves gives Bucky pause.

The toddler has a head start on everyone and is just about to the water. One pudgy leg goes to take a step into the water and by some sheer force of luck, they fall back… somewhat unnaturally, as if they were pulled. But…

The boy snatches the baby up, who immediately starts to wail, their master plan thwarted. From his place, he can just hear the boy coo to comfort the child. He must be very young, voice still soft and feminine.

Panting the mother catches up. Thanking the young man profusely. As he hands the toddler to its mother Bucky see’s his face… except… he knows this face somehow.

Suddenly he can’t breathe but he can’t look away. Despite appearances, he knows this isn’t a young man. You’re a woman… it feels like someone’s digging an icepick into the front of his brain. He grits his teeth trying to focus.

Quickly he sits on a bench, diagonal and down a bit from the one you got up from, pulling a book from his bag to hide his gawking. Thankfully you’re not paying any attention at the moment. You head back to your sunlight drenched bench.

Fuzzy images flash through his mind. You look so different, he remembers thick hair, falling loose into your face. A face that’s crying, bloody, scared… of him? Of course of him… You look just past him, he freezes, but you don’t notice him before you lay back on the bench, eyes on the blue sky.

Could you really be Hydra…? Because surely that’s why he knows you. A Hydra trainee… someone he was supposed to break…

There’s something else there though. He knows it he just can’t touch it.

For hours Bucky watches you. Strangely you don’t do much but look at your phone from time to time, drink out of your large paper coffee cup, and stare at the passing clouds, or the water or the people. Much like him, you seem to fade into the background. No one paying you any mind at all. It makes his chest tighten just a bit... the melancholy that settles around you despite the beautiful day around you.

When you finally get up he can’t help it. He has to follow. In all this time he hasn’t seen one Hydra agent, not one face he recognizes. Bucharest should be safe, it wasn’t a hub for any of Hydra’s active bases, off the radar entirely… So why…

You slip into a store and exit with a bottle of whiskey, snacks, and cigarettes. From there he tails you to a rundown block just near Lake Floreasca. It’s the first time you seem to pay attention to your surroundings before you go into a dilapidated building and don’t exit again.

That night he dreams of hitting you… with his left fist. He remembers them briefing him, he was to go until you stayed down. They preferred he didn’t kill you, too valuable, too unique for some reason. All he saw was a woman, a target… But then… He wakes up drenched in sweat, his head feeling like it’s going to crack open.

Bucky spends the next eight days following you. He knows he shouldn’t. A part of him thinks you could be a threat, an agent sent here to flush him out, bring him in… his gut says something else… even though he doesn’t know exactly what that something else is.

What he does know is that an active agent or asset usually eats regularly, something you don’t do. They don’t go out for multiple coffees, chain smoke, and go through handles of liquor a day… No, his gut says you’re not an active agent at all… You look like someone who’s hurting and lost… just like him.

It’s stupid. He knows it’s stupid. If you are someone he hurt you won’t have any interest in speaking to him, why would you? But there’s that little nagging thing he can’t reach. Something different… Something special… He fucking hates that he can’t get to it. And it’s that little something paired with his crushing sense of loneliness that makes him finally decide to let you see him.

The day is bright again as he waits just down the way from what appears to be where you’re living. He doesn’t even register it though. His heart is thundering in his ears, breath ragged. 

There are so many things that can go wrong here. Not least of which being that you could lead them to him… he’d rather die than go back but… he needs this. And maybe, just maybe you do too. Though he can’t allow himself to hope that he could do something, anything good for someone else. Still... 

You’re eating breakfast, that’s good, he doesn’t think you ate at all the day before. While he doesn’t want to interrupt you the busy morning street is as good a place as any for him to get in your line of sight, to see if you even know him. Strategically he stands by a newsstand just down from the Starbucks you’re in front of and waits.

To anyone else, he’s just a man looking at the paper, but his eyes are glued to you. After a few minutes, you seem to sense that you’re being observed. Maybe you do have some self-preservation skills… He feels your eyes lock on him.

It happens quickly, so quickly that no one around you catches it. But it looks almost like your table and the items on it begin to float just slightly before settling, spilling your coffee. He takes the moment of distraction to disappear, his heart threatening to beat its way out of his chest.

You knew him… That much was clear. Now he just had to find out how you fit into his story… why you’re different… whatever came after, he was ready for.

@bluegirlusa1 @l0kisbitch @tazzi-baby @disagreetoagree @woodyandbuzz20-01 @mooniightbucky @saundrasays @breezy1415 @alyssaj23 @mywinterwolf @wonderlandmind4 @fairislesheets @anamcg317 @buckaroo-barnes @jazztherebel @peachthatdrinkslemonade @regulusirius  @auskitty @babyimp1967 @katecolleen @handplucked @piensa-bonito @darkdragonphoenix @issanitydead @thestorydetective @buckysstar @wintersoldierswhore @greyeyedsmile14 @watchoutforfrostbite @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @jewelofwinter @siriuslycloudy2 @hardygal69 @marvelousmeggi

[chlololol]

15 minutes

new therapist dude who i only saw once [because fuck insurance] told me to start journaling for 15 minutes a day. nowadays this shit is hard. i’m glad i came back to this secret not so secret tumblr. i just spent the past hour looking back on all the shit i posted here. it was a fuckton to take in and analyze. but i’m glad it’s here. actually is there a better word for glad in this case? it’s hard to read over some of them. partiallly the reason i have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes. that this was all me. my life experience. who i was/am. nonetheless i guess i’m grateful i still have my tumblrs. i think i used to have another tumblr called mumblr. but i deleted that i think. it’s so fascinating to look back at some of my writing styles from back in the day. some of the stuff i read back stings a little inside because i know a lot [better?] now. about myself. and what a selfish person i grew up to be. i use projection a lot i’ve noticed. i used that a lot. i shouldnt even be using it in past tense since i still tend to project but at least i’m getting better at acknowledging it. 15 minutes. ive got 10 left. 6 weeks without weed today. i’m not sure if i’ve seen any improvement aside from feeling shit more. it’s funny how a few days ago i said i’d rather feel again than feel nothing at all. then the train dragged me to hell yesterday. the story gets better the more i tell people. but if i think about it on my own too much it gets too cringy. and i think what the fuck is wrong with you you dumb ass bitch like who the fuck are you doing nothing with your fucking life except working a train that goes loop de loop around the mall. but the minute i tell people that i screamed SHIT in front of a dad and his daughter i just gotta laugh along with the person i tell the story to. i really need to give up sugar and start exercising. i feel the same 6 weeks sober because i’m not doing anything differently. but i’m definitely not going out anymore. i’m a different person every year. 2 years ago i barely left the house. last year/this past year i went out all the fucking time. and ive reverted back to sheltering myself. subconsciously keepnig my room a fucking pig sty so that nobody can visit. and ive developed a new coping mechanism for stress...age regression. after the train dragged me to hell, i wanted to smoke so bad to make the mortifying panic leave my fucking body. it sucks when your weed guy is your roommate. but right as i was standing outside their door, hank my good old mormon ex stoner buddy texted me. he used to smoke more than me but he hasnt smoked in a hot minute which has been really motivational. this is the longest i think ive gone without smoking weed in a very long time. am i going to be sober for the rest of my life? am i done with mary jane? the world may never know. it’s been a love hate relationship with her. no matter what, i always smoke “too much.” even when i know it wont end well...im addicted to that feeling. what a time to be alive. this one tumblr post from this particular blog freaked me the hell out. i was super aware of myself in 2011. but i wasnt very open to getting a therapist back then. back then it was studying psychology in college instead. to figure out my family originally. but wow. who knew. that this would be it. am i going to make it out of the 27 club?

[notconsolation]

(when you have the time) another hiking story?🌲

(I’ve had time I’ve just been a little shit about it)

I’m not quite sure what to write about because you’ve now heard the stories i have that lend themselves most to being told. the others are mainly… experiential things? BuT. I did put on the list ‘musings on christiana’ at one point so I’m gonna scour my journal for things I’ve put in there about our least favourite (FAVOURITE) cowboy.

THis is gonna be long. if you’re a casual follower and you don’t wanna hear me ramble about my friends for a while then ciao best leave now. good GOD i can’t believe I’m sharing this shit but isn’t that what my entire online presence is. OVERSHARING, GO:

I actually originally meant I’d just write my thoughts when we met to when we parted butttt then i got curious and wanted to see how far back the first time I mention them is. Turns out it’s Sunday, February 26th 2017. the excerpt from my journal reads as follows: 

Life moves along and I spill alongside it and can’t find my own shape. Nothing fits and nothing feels good. I keep making up these paths and systems to get better but. But. I made a tumblr though. It’s 14:30 and i have done nothing today except tumblr-stalk a new favourite writer. They’re just. Aghj (incomprehensible squiggle). Can’t.

Oh my god. If only I’d known then.

Then on Tuesday, April 25th:

I’ve been thinking about my intimacy issues. It’s honestly not very comprehensible. There are people i can pick out that i absolutely love. And not because I have to. Loving someone is so much easier than wanting anything consequences of that love. I love Alessia, I love Becca, I love Avia, I love Christiana… it’s just easier? than what? who knows. It’s got me wondering, though. See, it’s got me wondering about why I love someone like i love stars and duvets and balconies and it makes me want to cry because holy shit that would feel so nice. Who knows, my guy.

Saturday, May 6th:

christiana met edy yesterday and i want to know everything. it’s beautiful and this ship has exceptionally eloquent sails.

Tuesday, May 9th:

Looks like christiana and I will definitely be meeting and I’m…… nervous. I think they wanna come with me into the wild. wow? wowow i’m…?? I think they get me well enough to not make this awkward. Not sure why I am able to trust them to accept me when…. 

Sunday, May 21st:

I got a few skulls on ebay and sent them to C. They more or less know. But I like the concept anyway

Sunday, May 28th:

my heart went too fast for a while on mandy last night so i wrote to christiana and i think we roasted tyler a little until I felt good again. Then I cuddled with someone. Can’t remember who. God I’m tired. I’m not sure I slept.

July 9th:

I’m at the Russian Chapel up the valley. My ears are so bad that my teeth hurt now. I’m still considerably ill. But! still moving on. I really fucking needed to. lovely people but… food. And somehow too much of everything else, too. OF what? Who knows. I did let C know I’m not doing so great with food, though. I hope she won’t judge. They. I don’t think they will. so at least she’s aware. They’re aware. I feel like an idiot every time I get it wrong but. Ya know, it’s just a thing I never heard or said for the first 17 years of my life because it never came up. So in my head I often subconsciously do the ‘she’ thing. Edy is solidly ‘they’. Jon is always and without hesitation ‘he’. But sometimes it takes a few tries with other people. I have no idea why

July 14th:

I’m at the station listening to a podcast on Morgan Le Fay. I’m nervous now. What will we talk about?? Internet conversation is. easy. My ears are better. I don’t know what we’ll talk about. Shit. I’mm not good at this and i care about this? They’re the kind of person that I feel like I should’ve known forever. As in, i feel like this would be the kind of friendship that was good for both people and gives something that i needed. So. I shouldnt be worried then. But? Can’t help it. I mean maybe it could help that we’re both like this. we may be able to just sit… in…. silence. that. WASN’T intentional. god. aw shit I hate me when I’m like this. is this what it is to care if someone likes you when you meet them??! God, this is awful? Is this what people usually feel how awful. How cool. I think the train’s coming in. I’m barely paying attention to the podcast

July 15th:

I feel like I talk too much. it’s not the easiest it could be but it could definitely be harder? They’re quiet and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m yelling or saying too much and oversharing. Sometimes? uhhhhh all the time but I think that might be my default setting anyway

July 17th:

Didn’t get a chance to write yesterday but! it was as approximately lovely day. Just wanted to record that

(later)

walking with someone is strange. we’re at the place we’ll sleep at now. It was gentle going getting here and I guess it’s gonna take us very little time to get back. I buy coffee and they buy bus tickets. works out. walking with someone is strange but especially given the whole nature of this trip, it’s not too weird. I think because I never got to feel alone, I don’t mind sharing it. I think they’re having an okay time? I hope they don’t regret coming. So what if this whole trip has been… not the seclusion I wanted or needed. Meeting them was still great and I wouldn’t prefer a timeline where I called the trip off. I get that feeling that I have sometimes with Alessia, as if I’m trying to entertain or something? like a part of me wants to be stilted so I have a layer in between in case they turn around and say they don’t like me. I fear I’m telling them too many things. About me, about my thought process, about random things that pop into my head. About things I know or want to know or have picked up. I fear I’m disturbing some sacred silence. Especially because I prefer silence myself. And they’re patiently waiting for me to finish. I worry a lot considering what a good time I’ve had? We ate and laughed and talked. I am so fucking relieved that bipolar occurred to them when I described my brain cause I thought i was doing my insane self-diagnosing thing. We tried horse and i couldn’t tell the difference. We saw some Big Boy Moths and birds called tits. Vultures are unremittingly ugly but i like them? there’s a certain kinship. This isn’t how it usually goes and I wish I could say that without sounding whiny

July 18th:

All my compasses say the sun rose in the north east. Slept pretty well. the sunrise was gorgeous. C said it was more comfortable than expected. It was actually really comfortable. Listen, this will sound like something it’s not but future hannah will get what i mean but honestly their eyes are so beautiful? it didn’t come across in photos. uhh that’s all.

July 19th:

We found an open door in the compound. I think we slept on someone’s office floor. We left around sunrise and had multiple coffees by the river. played so ukulele. listen, this whole thing wasn’t normal but i’m so glad we fell into what we fell into. this feels safe. There were people outside going back and forth in front of the door all night and i dont think i really slept but it was still Good. We lit a candle that slowly started to smell nice. when we left, we left a single cigarette and a licorice cough drop as thanks to the old gods. either way, we parted quickly, just a quick hug and a vague notion that we might do this again? Good.

August 7th:

I just finished the cowboy fic and never has what essentially amounts to a giant meme of beautifulness touched me so.I swear. They’re ridiculous. The cowboys and Christiana.

jesus reading back through these made me happy but also made me cringe a bit because this is what my inner monologue sounds like around people i care about a lot of the time and i sound like such a whiny anxious asshole. uhh hope you enjoy. jesuz.

[issayemme]

about this generation being over sensitive

aight, i dont really just voice my opinion anytime i feel like it but honestly i’m fed up. I used to like, be one of those SJW’s and go like hey this is wrong and this is wrong and this is wrong. Most of them were wrong tbh, and i totally get the thing about “normalizing”. We shouldnt normalize hate, we shouldnt normalize discrimination and we shouldnt normalize anything negative, ever.

But i feel like, after a couple of years being exposed to nothing but negativity i’m finally #sick and #tired of it. I understand it by the way, why we have to call something out if it’s wrong cause this is how we fix things but i feel like recently the world is becoming a little bit too sensitive.

I realized this with the whole controversy about Pewdiepie and Gigi Hadid and everything. Especially Pewdiepie. 

Like i dont even live in the US, not from there. I’m from Turkey, i’m studying advertising. And i wanna pursue my career in digital marketing so this whole thing is gonna be my field. This whole shitstorm is gonna be my audience and i’ll try to engage with you. Which frustrates me the most, cause i have to deal with this bullshit.

To start off, i know Pewdiepie did something not-so-okay. I did watch his channel every now and then and i remember telling my boyfriend, “eh, he’s doing whatever he wants lately. I’m not that into it anymore, he used the N word and stuff.” and i just stopped watching his videos and thats like a buck less for him. I did my part. I’m not gonna like go online and bash him or anything cause like fine okay he used the n word but the world has some bigger problems right now like the bees are going extinct. For those who dont know he made like.. there’s this site called Fiverr, you pay them 5 bucks and they do something for ya like this girl does your homework and whatever. Felix payed 2 guys (dont know their nationality) to write “Death to all jews, subscribe to markiplier” on a piece of paper and they did, later he commented on how people do whatever you want them to as long as youre paying them. Which is a good point in my opinion. And the whole point of this shitstorm also. 

And Wall Street Journal went up to Disney and they like.. snitched. like 5 year olds. i cant this is just too funny. And they took everything out of context, used a random image of him raising his hand and portrayed it as a nazi salute (If ya gonna go there you can find like even jews doing a nazi salute. HELLO COMMON SENSE?) Anyhow, Disney was like yah this is gonna hurt my image as butterflies and rainbows, occasional unicorns and shitty costume designing so cut ties with him or whatever. But there is like 2 sides to every story so i wish they would take a milisecond and contact Felix but fuck that am i right Disney which is the company that displayed Donald Duck in a Nazi outfit so like whats up

And then, this afternoon i spent my entire time reading articles about how Pewdiepie is the source of all evil, how he is summoning satan with a single look and how he is destroying worlds.  He always said mainstream media is hating on him but i’ve never realized it was this big of an issue. Jesus they were like vultures. The verge even went as far as comparing him to Donald Trump. Like.. Pewdiepie does a 24 hour live stream to raise like what.. over a milion dollars for charity and its like dead quiet but Wall Street Journal runs out of money so they go like “oh pewdiepie draws money lol ok.. guys here’s the thing.” Is every news outlet TMZ now? is this it

And i knew tumblr of course would be on fire. I’m actually glad to see some reasonable people defending pewdiepie because that’s what’s right. Some girl here is like “um im jewish and OUT OF ALL WORDS why would you pick death to all jews? like it has been said before. ermigird get my trigger gloves.” Like hello everyone knows it’s not an okay thing to say, that’s why he used it. To prove a point. It’s kinda amazing to see how people are hovering 100 miles over the point. good job keep it up everyone it’ll get you places in life

The truth is, this kind of all comes back to my major. Newspapers are dying, because noone buys them anymore. They need money to survive as we all do, but we are all on digital surfaces now. But we dont pay for news anymore. so the news outlets are doing everything they can to survive and it gets petty like you’ve been seeing these days. Clickbait is a real thing cause it’s not enough if you see their post on Facebook, they need you to go on their website, see the ads so they can get the ad revenue. It keeps the advertisers, advertising and the platforms alive. Scandal always gets you paid. What i’m sad about is as a generation we’re paying these guys. They dont care really, if pewdiepie is racist or not. Which he isnt by the way. Pewdiepie and his growth is so organic. He’s a goldmine for brands. Verge cant supply content like that, so they kind of shit on whoever does. I’m saying verge but like mashable, the wired.. verge is the pettiest tho. Business insider was kind of more toned down so kudos to them I GUESS.. 

My point being.. like they see we go crazy about social justice and they see the tiniest thing and they make a big deal out of it. We as a generation shouldnt be these idiot’s income. I refuse to be the reason to put money on some 40 year old idiot who has no sign of a backbone. There are things that matter. I’m sick of getting butthurt by everything. Yes some feminists are extreme. Denying it will not get you anywhere. We all believe in equality. If you are calling out Pewdiepie, which again i agree he fucked up but it wasnt like a total fuck up you know. So context matters. Just because something happened, doesnt mean we have to make a big deal out of it every time. Wrongdoing should be punished but not to extremes. Dont get offended on behalf of other people. I live in a Muslim country. And dont you dare get offended on my behalf when Trump says something about our religion. Let me speak first. Let me read the context first. Everyone is constantly in panic to defend someone, they just miss a lot of things. So just take time to evaluate before speaking your mind.  About Gigi’s face too.. Like gosh she wasnt trying to actually hurt someone. People are still trying to call Karlie Kloss out after she acknowledged and apologized  LIKE WHAT DO YOU WANT DID YOUR PARENTS NOT LOVE YOU? DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME? PLEASE JUST GET A LIFE. PET A DOG. We should stop bashing people after they acknowledge something was wrong. Like. Chill, seriously. go suck a dick get a life ffs

JERK OFF IDK WHAT RELAXES YOU

dont let people take advantage of you trying to do something right 

[trainofthoughtbyasof]

i hate it when people ask me questions

i want to explain

i wont post here often

this is an outlet

because i need to write my toughts dow

and keep them all together

not in journals and word docs anymore

sometimes scraps of paper

i dont care about spelling

or repeteivness

and i dont care about what comes ou

i just let my emotions out in written form

and then i never read it again

this helps me

i will not go back and correct myspelling

i have dyslexia and adhd so it will ruin my train of thought

i had a good cry while writing my first post

i wrote it first in an email then decided 

i want to use tumblr as an outlet

to express what i am feeling

i had the idea to but it all here

so it wouldnt get lost anymorw

god i hate being lonely

dont ask me to correct my spelling i dont care for it

i just want to write

i want to call this poetry so i will

last year i started writing this way

it helps me

i hate writing in structured ways

i justt want to express my meaning thats all

i shouldnt have to defend myself i just always feel the need to

and thats all folks

looney toons outro

[darknesscallsnevermore]

Why....

Why is it I do something that is supposed to be fantastic and the best thing probably I could decide to do for myself. To get myself out of a situation that was extremely toxic and very unhealthy and get myself out of it.

Actually fucking live life and not just coast along like a zombie, with all these sorts of fucked up issues and becoming a fucking nasty horrible insane ASSHOLE. Who is not even remotely ANYTHING like me. Because I am being a product of what I know of what YOU taught me. Of what I learned. Of what I DEALT with from childhood to now with the HUNDRED ODD FUCKWITS in my life. Who chisled and chipped and tore away at my once beautiful soul. I became something I despised and no matter how much I tried I SANK DEEPER AND DEEPER. I was fucking drowning in misery so I finally did something I should have done years ago. To better me, to better my emotional and mental health and you don’t even fully fucking support me. Then again you never really fucking have, have you. YOU should be proud and happy I did what I did. It should be a sign I learned from my mistakes and have grown.

Why do you have to question everything then give me advice on something you think I should do when it is the worst advice because you did that with every person who treated you like that. Because you think I should be grateful for something like I owe them anything. I don’t I was grateful and I think I did more than pay back my dues. Is it any of your or anyone else’s business anyway? It’s my fricking life.

Then you say there has to be more of a reason on why I had this sudden “epiphany” no as I repeated there wasn’t. Can’t a person just want something better for themselves and get out of the situation that is holding them back!? So I proceeded to tell you what I felt about how you were acting and SHOCKER I was apparently being too much and talking to you in a way I shouldnt. DONT CALL ME A LIAR WHEN I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. DONT PISS ME OFF AND MAYBE I WONT RESPOND THAT WAY. You tell me to not msg you until I will tell you the truth because you have a lot of your own stuff you’re dealing with, then because you don’t like my response because you pissed me off and I told you what you should have done as my mom you say that’s that I am just like my siblings and blah blah blah. Same fricking story different day. To only msg you if there is an emergency. Then the fact I had no response you then had to add the fact I need my head adjusted because apparently confiding in your mother is not something a child does… SINCE WHEN!? You want to write me off and kick me out of your life so be it. It was your choice. Then again whenever you think I am doing something wrong, or lying to you, or you don’t like my choices you do that so I shouldnt be surprised but unlike the past times, I am not going to cry and feel sorry for myself and get depressed. I am just going to keep healing and keep rebuilding BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH GOING ON TO DEAL WITH YOUR STUFF. So when you see I finally am myself again and I am better and I have amounted to something and my life is going fucking fantastic, I will still stand by my choice and if you’re there to witness it or not that’s your choice, my father is nothing to me really so not going to affect me much at all. It will bother you more than it will me. As you can see that is another thing I have learned from my shitty past. HARDEN THE FUCK UP and don’t care about anything and let anything effect you or fuck up something good in your life. So I am going to take this and use it as fuel to burn to better me. ALL THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS AND BULLSHIT AND PEOPLE IN MY LIFE BE PREPARED TO BE FIREWOOD BECAUSE I AM FEEDING THE FLAMES OF MY REBIRTH IN FIND JUST WHO I AM AGAIN. LEAVING ALL OF THAT DARKNESS IN THE DUST. Just like a phoenix I will rise up from the ashes again and be just me. P.S. Sorry to the world of tumblr for this very angry rage vent. It is for me to just get it out so I don’t over boil. I don’t know where my journals are since still packed. So blogging it is the next thing I could do. I don’t need nor really want responses. Thanks goodnight.