#i shouldnt be on tumblr rn i feel like shit lmao

[discountsoysauce]

Thanks! I'll check it out

@discountsoysauce

Another screenshot of my Daemon AU:

[snekdood]

im not gonna say you cant use the n word w a hard r on a almost fully anonymous tumblr account where you claim to be black-

I will say that it makes you 100% more suspicious and worth keeping an eye out on you bc usually its neo nazis pretending to be black that spam saying the n word w an r and use tumblrs weird trust for almost fully anonymous accounts to their advantage to get away w it

you can say it, but, if you Are a neo nazi pretending to be black, I will say, you're not doing a good job of convincing me rn that you actually are.

[god-has-entered-my-body]

oh and for asks!! 10, 42 & 97 <3

thanks love xx

10. do you have any regrets?

to be completely honest i regret a lot of the stuff i did from like ages 12-19 that i def shouldnt have been doing at the time. Tumblrs not really the place to go into detail about that though lmao. Also smoking most probably, really shit habit i picked up in my teens and cant kick it for the life of me

42. what word do you think you say the most often?

the german word 'digga' has to be the word i say wayy too much its like. ingrained in my vocabulary till the day i die probably. @beforeyougo-turnthebiglightoff thinks my most used english word is cunt so do with that what you will xx

97. what genre of music do you listen to the most?

thats so hard to answer but i feel like most of the music i listen to is alternative/rock. I do love me a good pop record though im looking at you rise and fall of a midwest princess/found heaven/aladdin sane. I listen to whatevers good but rn i'm really getting back into the front bottoms, mötley crüe (literally my childhood i still have a poster of theirs from when i was like 16), joy division and eyedress!!

[mikechampa]

@commodorecliche tagged me to do this fun quarantine survey thing, I fuckin love this shit let's goooooo

Instructions: Tag 10 followers or people you follow who you want to get to know better.

Name: hannah (last name is soon to be VANCE!!!)

Gender: female

Star sign: scorpio/sagittarius cusp, idk anything about astrology really but I do know I tend to favor the scorpio side when I read horoscope stuff

Height: I like saying I'm 5'11 but I'm probably closer to 5'10. I think if i went to a chiropractor I'd be at least an inch taller, mama got awful posture

Sexuality: I used to say i was pansexual and I still feel most comfortable with that, but I just dont have the energy to explain it all the time so I just say I'm bi 😩

Hogwarts house: SLYTHERIN BEEEEETCH

Favourite animal: frogs raccoons bears and sharks!!!!!!!!!

Average hours of sleep: well I ain't doin SHIT rn so I get about 8 or 9 which is nice

Current time: 12:41 pm central time. I started doing this way before 1230 but I'm on my phone so I have to manually bold everything and I'm slowly losing my sanity

Dogs or cats: I prefer small dogs, but I also love cats

Blankets I sleep with: I love being in a cold house so I can just pile on the fuckin blankets. right now though its just a sheet and 1 extremely thick and soft comforter.

Dream job: when I was really young I wanted to be a paleontologist so fucking bad and now I just do hair lmao, I wanna fucking excavate dinosaurs god damn it

When I made this blog: like 2009 I've been here for ｅｖｅｒｙｔｈｉｎｇ

Followers: 1001 and I'm super fucking pleased about it

Why I made my tumblr: some mall goth I (a humble mall scenekid) was friends with at the time, was telling me about it and I was like hmmmm ok

Reason for url: mike champa was the lead singer of my favourite band, for all those sleeping, but they broke up. it's really funny to be bc I have it on my twitter, where the real mike champa follows me, and has somehow never said anything about it? I tried really briefly to change it to "pussyvore" a couple months ago and wasnt able to and I think it was probably a sign that I shouldnt lmaoooo

10 people I either follow or follow me, if it strikes your fancy: @bakuraryxu @vzmp @violist @curiousdevice @spottycows @insomniac-arrest @cioudstrife @flyest-nihilist @the-void-has-spoken @harlequinqueen and anyone else who sees this and thinks hmm yes i should like to do a survey

[ch99rry]

damn bro that was the fattest mistake ive made lately

idk how much of what im feeling rn is really just pms but like??? i got the sudden urge to see what my friends have been up to on social media and stuff bc for idk the past month or two ive just been exclusively using tumblr and snap (bc i didnt wanna break my streaks...)

and i mean it doesnt seem like anyone’s been overly active ig but idk even just seeing posts and comments and interactions between everyone is making me not feel good lmaoo ;;;; like i know its selfish of me to be behaving like this, purposefully distancing myself, as if that’ll solve my problem, while seeing everyone interact as normal and using that to justify my irrational fear that they all dont like me at all and are glad to be rid of me... i know that this isnt healthy and i clearly know what steps i have to take in order to better myself and put my own healing at top priority, but idk im just super scared???

like ive thought about what i would say to everyone once i all of a sudden step back into their lives and everything i come up with just doesnt sound right... like why would i even be coming back after all this time? i just feel like no matter what i do, things will end up being awkward.... and it scares me to be vulnerable at all... idk if i dont trust them.... idk if its bc i have trust issues in general...

lol i always do this... like distancing myself from ppl... and then i always regret it and always think “man i really shouldnt do that next time” AND THEN I DO IT AGAIN AHDFLGHL

man it doesnt rlly help that i dont rlly have anyone to talk to abt the way i feel.... like i cant even find a therapist to stick with lmaooo... the last lady was kinda rlly homophobic and kinda kept forcing heteronormativity on me.... she also kept trying to relate to my forgetfulness by talking abt her own forgetfulness as if what im experiencing is nothing more than that lmao.... she didnt even take notes......

god on top of all of this i keep getting costar notifications that basically keep reminding me of my friendship issues and it makes me feel horrible lmaoo like bitch im sorry i cant readily take the step to be vulnerable with my friends and reach out to them please stop telling me the same thing ;;;;;

shits kinda hit the fan for me emotionally and i cant even go to sleep so i can just sleep this off bc i was dumb and decided to have an energy drink bc i wanted to see if taeyong would do a bday vlive lmao

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[jinnielovebot]

whatever sick ass marketing strat jyp thinks he’s tryna pull, it’s not working

im not gonna rant about jyp in this post bc im sure PLENTY of you have alreayd done that and trust me, i have too. lets just think about how emotionally crushing this must have been on the boys :(((

chan had to not only be told that he had to get better at EVERYTHING (srsly tho jyp what ht e fuck) but he had to watch 2 of his members get eliminated. as if jyp couldnt spell it out any clearer that he thought chan’s effort and hard work was for nothing. i cant even begin to imagine how hard this must be for him, thinking that he probably failed his team and that it’s all his fault.

woojin ahsdASDJKAS okay listne here BITHC woojin hasn’t been practicing for years upon years just for jyp to say “lmao ur not main vocal material” suck my ASS jyp if youre fucking looking for main vocal material in your company then i think its safe to say that you need to remove yourself from the music career then :) woojin literally helped other members out with their vocals and jyp has the balls to say hes not good enough wha theh fu cfdjgksvhf it hurts sm to see woojin look so disappointed in himself when he really shouldnt be ajdkdlsls

changbin literally had to see the 2 members of his group get eliminated. he looked so broken when felix got eliminated it actually fucking hurt my heart just to hit the unpause button and see him torn up when he was hugging felix. when he kept saying he was sorry to felix i almost lost it there was so much desperation and regret in his voice it was so painful to see him so broken and blaming himself for losing his group members

hyunjin, oh my god where do i even start idc if im sounding biased rn but this kid had to go through TWO elimination scares, both in the first mission and after the busking like how the FUCK do you think he feels rn?? im so torn knowing that hes probably scared that he’ll be next or that he’s not cut out for the team with all the (STUPID ASS) criticism he’s gotten from jyp ahsdkjadajsk i srsly hope he’s not losing confidence in himself :(((

jisung now has seen both woojin and jeongin at risk of elimination i swear to the lord his heart must be absolutely crushed right now. can you even imagine how guilty he must be feeling right now that he couldn’t help those two even THOUGH HE REALLY DID A SHIT TON like asdjhkASDAHSKJ

minho suffered through SO much unjustified criticism from jyp it scares me to think about how much confidence he must have lost because of it ajkd he worked his ass off improving his rap, dance, and vocals in such a short amount of time but jyp just tossed that all out the window and u know all those memes on tumblr abt minho whooping jyp in the future? that better happen soon for realsies :’)

jeongin has srsly been in fear of that disgusting crusty ass old snake man jyp ever since the first mission bc jyp is a blind ass cuck who thinks its cool to scare the living daylights out of jeongin. this poor kid has had to go through so much criticism throughout the show bc apparently jyp cant see that he’s actually IMPROVINGA SHIT TON and is still young asf so he still has time to learn. dhaskdjas i hope he regains his confidence and stands up to that crusty old man soon >:(((

seungmin, i thank rvery star in the sky that jyp has for the most part kept his grimy hands off of seungmin but i remember this onenficcking part i just cant rememebe r WHERE but he looked so crushed and it was all bc of the one and only snake

felix, i needa take a breather. you can’t fcking tell me that felix isn’t a hard worker. this boy who’s not even 18 yet freaking left his home miles and miles away with little knowledge about the language nor korea itself, all just for a shot at debuting under jyp. he poured all his blood sweat and tears just to practice his dancing for hours and hours, and when he wasn’t dancing, he was practicing korean for the few months that he was in korea. you can even fking SEE HOW HE WAS PRACTICING HIS PRONUNCIATION AND RAP FOR THE PERFORMANCE and yet jyp doesnt see that he basically just threw away all of felixs hard work and boy oh boy i cannot begin to imagine how felix felt being told he just wasnt good enough. idk someone probably gonna argue that “if he wants to debut he shoulda gotten better at korean” but see the flaw in YA LOGIC IS THAT he’s been there for very VERY few months. a language can take upwards of years to learn, yet hes been doing it every minute of every day over the span of 2-3 months and it’s not always about how good you are at something, it’s about how HARD you work to get there. it doesnt matter if he’s not perfect at korean or if he made mistakes in the choreo, it matters that he actually works really fucking hard to improve and jyp overlooked all of that with his ugly ass sunglasses

rant over congrats if you made it this far

[septicemic-main]

ive been dead for a while because real life has me stressed, im thinking of just moving to online school to avoid drama and stuff.

but i peeped at 2 blogs i shouldnt have and it reminded me of why i still dream about them, and why those dreams turn into nightmares. i am sorry about everything and i wanna message them or confront them in person but like. at this point its not worth it because its not gonna fix anything. i can fix myself at this point and carry on but its going to take forever and im never gonna feel better about myself because of the person i was. and the person i was is always going to linger around and come out when someone brings the worst out of me.

and currently that someone is starting to become alex...everyday it becomes a fight for me to not yell at him for the stupid shit he does and the way hes been treating me, always wanting sex and never wanting to hangout otherwise. hell buy me something then say i owe him a bj after, only to save it by mockingly saying "im joking". he ignores me if i say no to sex, or if i straight up say "before you ask, im still not comfortable losing my virginity". there was a time where he tried sticking it in but i wussied out, and nearly 5 seconds later i was in tears because he asked me if precum could get me pregnant. i didnt know either because i wasnt thinking right at the time, i was mostly in shock and terrified so it only made it worse...i ended up having a panic attack and then googled it 2 hours later to find out it didnt and he just said it to scare me, letting me have a panic attack on his bed just so he could cuddle me instead of just asking to cuddle. he uses slurs all the time and his parents are ready to throw him out of the house because he acts like a dick constantly, and always assumes he has higher priority. whenever we meet up with his friends he always does this thing where he'll let them look at me in weird ways, ask me weird sexual questions, then touch my thighs and one time even my chest. he almost never shuts up about sex and the only reason hes dating me is because of that i feel like. weve only done oral so far and i wasnt entirely comfortable with it because his parents were downstairs and his sister, an 8 year old, was in the next room. i had to convince him to shut the door because he refused to at first, and also had to tell him not to try and go any further than oral (which he did anyways with the preg scare thing). idk what to do anymore, i feel like im hitting an all time low and the only thing saving me are people i literally met on an mha minecraft server. shiro, rain (esp him bc hes an angel), and meli are all seriously the only reasons im alive rn and why im contemplating leaving alex.

djsjdnsj, anyways, what a way for me to come back to tumblr. ranting and feeling like shit. i have over 30 messages too, i have no clue wth yall have been doing lmao

[danceyracha]

i was tagged by the cutest @merry-kris-mas and this is prolly super late so im sorry for that!! but thanks for tagging me i love doing these ♥

THE LAST

Drink: water

Phone call: my boyfriend!

Text message: my best friend aaayyy

Song you listened to: charlie puth - how long (its stuck in my head ok)

Time you cried: today lmao asklhfakjh

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: kinda but the first time i was like...13 so i dont think that counts slkahflkashkfe

Kissed someone and regretted it: oh yesss lmao

Been cheated on: mhh again kind of? we weren’t really in a official relationship but we did have smth that could be considered dating

Lost someone special: yes

Been depressed: i don’t think so

Gotten drunk and thrown up: too many times oh boy

3 FAVORITE COLORS red, dusty rose pink andddd i think white or black!

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made new friends: yes i have!!

Fallen out of love: nope

Laughed until you cried: uhhhh yeah i think?

Found out someone was talking about you: tsskkk yes i have smh

Met someone who changed you: yeah but i think for the better!

Found out who your friends are: nah i have known that for a long time

Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yeeees

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them i don’t accept strangers

Do you have any pets: i have one dog and i love him to bits even though he is a sassy fart machine <33

Do you want to change your name: not really

What did you do for your last birthday: i went out with two of my friends and had a blast lmao

What time did you wake up: around 10am

What were you doing at midnight last night: prolly being a slob in my bed and scrolling through tumblr

Name something you can’t wait for: my niece’s bday party next week bc i missed her so much and i want to get her a bomb ass present

What are you listening to right now: nothing

Have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah and i really miss that person

Something that is getting on your nerves:  hhhhh people

Most visited website: most likely tumblr lmao or netflix

Hair colour: very dark brown almost black

Long or short hair: its kinda medium length atm??? but i’m growing it!

Do you have a crush on someone: yesss

What do you like about yourself: my legs

Blood type: i literally have no idea

Nickname: bitch

Relationship status: long distance relationship!!

Zodiac: gemini aaayyy

Pronouns: she/her

Favourite tv show: say yes to the dress, gossip girl, friends....

Tattoos: nooone and probably wont get any!

Right or left handed: left but some things i can do with both!

Surgery: none!

Sport: none lmao im not a very sportsy person

Vacation: im a corny bitch but i wanna go back to meet my bf lmao

Pair of shoes: i really want nike sneakers or these really cute brown ankle boots 

Eating: chocolate

Drinking: water but i also really love tea rn!

I’m about to: do nothing lmao

Waiting for: a mental breakdown?

Want: to do online shopping so bad

Get married: hopefully yeah

Career: i still have no idea!

WHICH IS BETTER

Hugs or kisses: kisses!!

Lips or eyes: eyes

Shorter or taller: i prefer taller than me but not super tall??

Older or younger: doesnt really matter that much as long as they arent immature

Nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms make me lose my shit

Hook up or relationship: relationship i catch feelings sobs

Troublemaker or hesitant: hmmm i think hesistant?

Kissed a stranger: i have lmao

Drank hard liquor: yeah and i shouldnt!

Lost glasses/contact lenses: never thank god

Turned someone down: several times

Sex on the first date: nope!

Broken someone’s heart: i have

Had your heart broken: shattered in million pieces babe but its all good now

Been arrested: omg never

Cried when someone died: so many times

Fallen for a friend: yeah i have

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: most of the time?

Miracles: uhhh depends? kind of???

Love at first sight: nah man

Santa Claus: nope hahaha

Kiss on the first date: ....whats there not to believe?? i mean it happens

i feel like everyone has done this so if you havent done this yet then tag you’re it!!

[swearronchanel]

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 6.07

AHHH OMG, I was out all day & Actually MISSED the NEW episode like wtfff?!!? it was TOrture!! & I literally had to delete twitter and Tumblr off my phone because the devil himself would’ve tempted me lmfao😭 I love spoilers but not when everyone has seen the episode but me! it’s okay though I had some rum chata to distract me lol, which is just rum and horchata which is the Hispanic version of Horlicks so, At least I was in the CtM Spirit 🙃

Anyway I’m finally getting to watch it so here we go ..

shit I’m so nervous and I haven’t pressed play

why is my heart beating so fast omg

i usually skip the intro but I’m legit not ready

PHYLLIS !! 💕

damn Vanessa already hinting at what’s to come

Baby Susan so precious omg!!

No lie one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen lots of ugly babies and lots of cute babies, I’m qualified to judge.

“Courage and resilience will matter most of all” 😭😭ahh omg

My spirit animal and campion Phyllis deserves nothing but the best I’m not ready to see her hurt

SHELAGH GETTING EXAMINED 😭😭💕💕 MY HEART IS BURSTING & her belly is so big omg!

CRYING SHE STILL CANT BELIEVE ITS HAPPENING ME EITHER BBY 😭 like holy shit I’m still not over it.

But I’m going to binge series 6 with my mother when I’m home Saturday and can’t wait for her to watch because she wanted to see shelagh have a baby & also she doesn’t know what tf has happened 😭😭😂 it’s been a crazy series! She will be s h o o k

“I know I’m just not a very relaxed sort of person” SAME but BBY RELAX 😭💕

LOL I WOULDNT HAVE READ IT EITHER

That was a cute moment with Babs and Shelagh!! But still wish it was w/ Trixie though 🙁 also it didn’t seem like a “heart to heart”? was it supposed to or was I expecting too much

Aw Rhoda 💔

what a ignorant ass teacher though, I’ll  FIGHT HER REAL QUICK

BOY OR GIRL??? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW UGH WHAT IS BABY TURNER??!

ugh Shelagh and Patrick’s faces 😫 I hope they don’t feel guilty for having a baby

But also why does shelagh have to keep wearing the same things lol, I feel cheated of all the cute maternity looks she could’ve served instead

“Having to explain” poor Mrs Antoine UGH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE EXPLAINED   I’m mixed, Hispanic and white not black and white but still my dad is tan & we’ve been places where people have given my parents the dirtiest looks and have heard a nasty comment or two & it BOILS MY BLOOD

Omg the Antoine boys are precious

TRIXIE 😍😍 my bby looks good!

PHYLLIS IN TROUSERS HELL YES

UM VALARIE CAN U NOT BE RACIST

I swear if she says anything more I’ll lose my shit

“No one can really choose who they fall in love with” BLESS U DEELS

Bless Phyllis for making sure those cubs don’t grow up to be as ignorant as their parents

“I surmise the puller of teeth is intended to admire it” SISTER MJ IS A GEM

LOL SISTER J WANTS HIM TO COME THROUGH

SISTER WINIFRED WITH ANOTHER PRICELESS FACE IM DEAD

A bassoon? Lmaoo what the actual fuck Tim

Oh it’s for girls ofc LOL give him a girlfriend already, I’d get such a kick out of it. & Patrick could make another dad joke and say like take a lesson from me I legit beat God over a woman’s heart

The Mullucks fam 😭

Patrick with Susan omg aww

Trixie looking like a b a b e I’m dead 😍

“You’ll look like you’re trying to hard” DELIA HAHA OMG SHE GETS LIKE ONE MIN OF SCREEN TIME BUT SHE ALWAYS HAS GOOD LINES

I need Trixie’s everything, no joke. HOW

But I’m dying my hair blonder this week don’t play

Ah my bby shelagh again 😍💕

I feel so sorry for Patrick like this wasn’t your fault

LMAO SISTER WINIFRED CANT CONCENTRATE IN COMPLINE  SHE IS ANNOYINGLY PRECIOUS

She’s scared to take her driving test aw 😂😂 same like I have my permit but I’m scared to fail the actual driving test

“Oh I have a soft spot for the Antoines” PHYLLIS TIENE UN GRAN COROZON 😭

Omg Mr and Mrs Antoine are so cute too, dios te bendiga 😰

Christopher being a flake wtf no me gusta

Sister W is in on the drama like Sister B was, am I right??

LMAO HER RUN

Prosthetics are so wild, my abuelo has a prosthetic leg and I was so interested when he first got it. But also I’m going to hell for being evil because I joke around way too much when he’s extra senile

“People call my kids hair frizzy, but I think it’s beautiful” MY HEART😭💔 literally my mom was the same with me. Defensive over my curls - even tho my hair is frizzy sometimes😭

The song though, took me a second to process but that’s my bby shelagh’s song ?? Ummm wut

lol sister Winifred hella late, let me guess this will make her want to drive?

this prosthetic place is so great wow omg

damn it Bernie

PHYLLIS LOVES THIS FAMILY AND I LOVE THEM ALL OMG 😭😭

GET THE RUM ! or I will lol

ah never mind

LOL SISTER W AGAIN & PHYLLIS SHAKING HER HEAD

the question is, does/has sister Winifred drink/drank ? she seems like a light weight

fuck is this when it’s gonna happen

I’M NOT READY DAMN IT

damn Bernie..

UGH MY HEART IS RACING IM SO ANXIOUS AND SCARED AHJXKWLXM

HOLY SHIT OMGGGG

THAT WAS SO HARD AHH OMGG

IM FUCKING SCREAMING

Phyllis is in shock o h m y g o d

I can’t process this either

OMG I CANT DEAL

PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, IM SOBBING WTFFFF OMGG 😭😰😰😰💔💔💔

MY FUCKING HEART

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG

AW SISTER W ASWELL UGH WTF I SHOULDNT FEEL SO MUCH

LMAO OMG THANK U FOR COMIC RELIF

TIM SUCKS LMAO stick to the damn piano boy

PATRICK AND SHELAGH GIGGLING OMG MY HEART IS OKAY NOW 😭😭💕💕

SHELAGH AND PATRICK BEING SO CUTE IM CRYING

DAMN THALIDOMIDE

DAMN THAT CAR UGH  

DAMN IT ALL

LOW FUCKING BLOW BERNIE THAT WAS NOT HER FAULT

BABS TRYING TO COMFORT PHYLLIS  IM CRYING AGAIN

SHE IS SO HURT, I AM SO HURT, IM A BLOODY MESS OF TEARS. IM SOBER AND SAD NOW & THERE’S MASCARA In MY CONTACT LENS & MY 3yr OLD GREMLIN LITTLE COUSIN IS KICKING ME (lol he’s laying next to me)

AND CARRIE CRYING NOW OMGGG NO LENNY WONT DIE STOP

“That lovely gp of yours” lol does everyone have a crush on Dr Turner but me? Lol don’t come @ me pls I’m sorry I know people love him 😭😭 Im here for Christopher and Tom But He is handsome, just in an older man way Lmaoo guess it’s cause he could be my dad 😂 lol he’s older than my dad

I’d take him as a sugar daddy real quick though. I need my tuition paid and he is so sweet😏 😭😂

So it was a scarf, hmm I thought trixie was gonna find like stockings or something

“Not Hermès but something very like it” lol how does Trixie know what Hermès feels like on a nurses salary?

Valarie is on my nerves & she’s had like 2 mins of screen time Lmaoo I’ve liked her until this episode. I hope they don’t ruin her for me

“But I’m a member of the institute of advanced motorists”  UGH PHYLLIS IS A GEM WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS !! SHE IS THERE FOR EVERYONE ALWAYS, SHE ALWAYS DOES GOOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO HER?

Aw Sister Winifred

Oh Rhoda 💔💔she’s such a great mother

MY HEART, THEY WERE WALKING AWAY FROM BEING TEASED

BLAME THE RACISTS, IT IS ALWAYS A VALID BLAME

YES PHYLLIS IS A GOOD WOMAN! 😭😭

Tom trying to comfort Phyllis😭😭

“You’re fond of your meat, and our views on God and His existence are divergent to say the least, but we both follow vocations…. so if you caused harm to someone else, even inadvertently would it not make you question what everything in your life has come to stand for?” I’m c r y i n g

“I, a rational woman, have no one to question but myself” 😭💔

IM REALLY HURT

“Sometimes cheering people on the sidelines doesn’t help”

my bby killing it 😍

Why you being a flake Christopher? go ahead man tell her about your kid

BRUH YOU DONT TELL HER LIKE THAT LMAO

he’s divorced ah, thought it was out of wedlock. I don’t care though haha

NO DRINKS FOR TRIXIE, TELL HIM BBY.. in your own time of course 💕

BABY SUSAN SO PRECIOUS

Fred brought her car ugh And Phyllis is still so hurt as am I 💔

This lady is so sweet! I hope she and Rhoda become friends right now

DID SHE TAKE DISTIVAL TOO?

lol wait where are the Turners I miss them??

“.. and the words ��Nonnatus house this is not a midwife speaking’ are most unlikely to reassure the caller” SISTER MJ!

YES SHE DID OMG. I need them to be best friends omg 💔😭

“Nothing was said, nothing was done” 💔💔

PHYLLIS LOOKING AT THE CAR

SISTER MJ IS GOING WITH HER MY HEART OMG

my heart my heart

aw the mullucks'😭 ofc IT WASNT YOUR FAULT!

SISTER MJ IS A GEM 💕😭 & PHYLLIS IS JUMPING BACK IN

TWO GEMS 😭💕 but also if this was the birth they meant that sister MJ was involved in ill be lowkey sad, but we shall see next week if she’s randomly with Shelagh when she delivers

Trixie serving more looks 😍

Aw my bby 💔does she tell him about her alcoholism at the end of this ?

Also what are we guessing about Valarie rn?? she has a secret? tragic backstory to be unlocked? what ? She gay?

Aw the mulluks’s again! All so sweet💕 & YES LYDIA BE FRIENDS

ugh Christopher looks good af😍 and that car yes

YES TRIXIE 😍 my girl looking good as well

SHE TOLD HIM 😭 IM CRYING IM SO PROUD 😭😭💕💕WHY DO I FEEL SO PROUD FOR A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??! I love her

Oh shit Patsy’s dad is dead. I assumed that was coming

Phyllis reassuring Delia awww

PHYLLIS BACK AT THE CUBS 😭 MY CHAMPION AND SPIRIT ANIMAL BOUNCING BACK

Lenny’s speech omg brb crying

The support group for thalidomide victims omg my heart

I was cryin before and now I’m crying more for this Irish lady

Omg side side side note there was this cute old interracial couple that seem like my parents in 20yrs in JFK yesterday that were so precious and sweet and we’re talking to me the whole time waiting at the gate & then there was this sweet Irish couple who were confused about the time difference and I helped them out and then when we landed they helped me out looking for my bag so now I have much more faith in humanity because usually the people in NYC airports are angry new yorkers who don’t care lol like me (jk)

“There’s no rule of life so simple or so true ..” 😭😢💔💖

Thank u Vanessa I’m so emotional, show me next week 

Bonus: next week

OMG PHYLLIS HUGGING SHELAGH OMGGG. I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE THIS

PHYLLIS BETTER DELIVER THE BABY I KNOW I WANTED TRIXIE BUT IT DOESNT SEEN LIKELY AND SO INEED PHYLLIS (sister J too ofc?! She was barely in this past episode)

MY BBY SHELAGH’S TUMMY IS SO BIG IN HER UNIFORM OMG SHE’S SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HER I MISSED HER THIS PAST EPISODE

BUT OH MY GOD BABY TURNER IS COMING HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL

HERE COMES THE PILL READY OR NOT #LETSGETIT1962

Lol oh shoot I didn’t take mine yesterday or today brb

AW DELIA

WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT BABS SLEEPING I NEED TO KNOW

Lol idk why but even though I like Tom and Babs their relationship just doesn’t do anything for me😂😂 like I don’t give a shit? They’re cute but idk it doesn’t cut it. Like they’re just there and I’m like “aw ok”

OMG I CANT WAIT WHAT WILL HAPPEN ?! I NEED ANSWERS

I will die next week. For real. 

[ssauronn]

..

if ur reading this get ready bc its disjointed as fuck

fuckin im so close to just losing my shit entirely today im so fucking frustrated that i can never get it the fuck together for anything at all ever god 

class saved my fuckin life by distracting me with stupid shit and thinking about my beliefs mostly in the sense of a foil

also honestly what the fuck possesses a person to sit the fuck down in a space filled with quiet people and start talking loud as fuck like i get it you can do that but honestly Fucking Should You when there are So Many PEople around you who are probably quiet for a reason and also how do you remain comfortable when doing that????????????????????

also lmao i keep thinking about the performative nature of writing this shit on a fucking blog and how itd be so much easier to just pick up a fucking book and write for myself which i do sometimes anyway but also it doesnt fucking matter where you write it it’ll get found or read sometimes and if not thats fuckin lucky for you but there’s a semi permanence to it anyway. theres just more of a chance for validation i guess if you have many followers

lmao i also hate that i feel im expected to never be fucking angry or inconvenienced about anything and i always self deprecate like oh i know its just something small but holy shit rn im living the phrase the straw that broke the camels back. like im not fucking stupid i know i shouldnt be mad about some shit but some days its fucking difficult. im also not vagueposting about anyone its just an amorphous accumulation of bottled up shit i didnt realize i was bottling up. this isnt supposed to be passive aggressive either i just dont know if theres a person i could just spew to directly because thats weird imo because like of course theres gonna be judgement opinions and reactions and its like nothing i really want opinions about so much as just maybe a vague sense of awareness at maximum 

i just keep fucking up like even the smallest things its been rough for a little while. obviously with some reprieve but mmmmmmmmmmmmm it needs to Stop

tumblrs so much better than twitter bc you dont necessarily need to stop yourself from going off the rails bc of a character limit lmao

thats all i got lmao if this becomes a trend ill probably just make a venty sideblog

[in-paradox-space]

i wrote this 3 weeks ago and scheduled it to post today

I started a story some time ago but ive been putting off continuing it because it felt like a chore

if i write it this way its easier so I started it here

its fiction

if i abandon it then oh well fuck it

so somehow I remembered this tumblr

uhh its been a while

usually when I change I write it down

a notepad or someshit

an online blog makes more sense because it’s always there

but I’d probably forget I have it

this time I haven’t wrote anything

I didn’t keeP tRack of the dAte

well to be honest

i do remember wrIting the firSt day, and it was in NotEpad, saved in Documents

I can checK but I likE the mystery 

oK i checked and it was 10/09

now is 28/10

so i have roughly 7 weeks until I change again

I’d like to quickly sum up everything I’ve experienced in these past 5 weeks

but my mind is blank

it’s all I’ve been thinking about

how i should sum everything up

thoughts of things that happen pop into my mind

I think wow  i should write that down

but it feels like a chore

i think it’s just the person i am right now 

they’re kind of like that but it’s a lot to explain, which is exactly why i should have been explaining it this time 

i really like being her

i need more time with her

its so…. strange

im friends with her boyfriend

Lilly, I’m talking about now

well, her name is Lily  but uh im such a loser I want to spell it Lilly because it’s Lilly like the flowers and the lillies were our thing

but now he’s giving her lillies 

and its so strange, he knows he only does it because it was our thing

and he knows I know

and I can’t be mad at him, I just want Lily to be happy and I see that sparkle in her eyes

the way she kisses him

its almost like how she used to kiss me but its different now

the same butterflies aren’t there but something else is

it’s serious and they actually are starting to get used to each other

but in a long term kind of way

and he’s going to be with her all that time which makes me a little sad

because he’s only with her because of me and I want to be with her instead

(it’s 4:13 am rn btw, thats the homestuck number) 

but he’s also probably with him because he wanted to be with her, which is probably why i wanted to be with her

and I still see her every day 

but it’s as a friend

and its like she doesnt know its me but maybe she does

and we had that one kiss as the person I am now

she can say she was stoned or she was drunk but i��

i dont know 

she wouldnt have done that with somebody else under the influence

its just strange

we all hangout together and we’re the best of pals

but we’re inside each others head and we share the same memories

it’s so strange but it doesnt make me feel unhappy

I’m so happy just being with them

I have school and shit I guess but thats just always there, wherever I go 

and the person I am right now doesn’t care much about that

Alexis - who I am now

it’s hard to tell really what the fuck is going on with her

everybody called her Alex and I was constantly wondering if she was a boy or if she wanted to be a boy or what

but nah she’s just chill I guess

it’s so hard to find makeup in her room 

and her hair is like mid length idk 

like the main character from life is strange, if you saw her you’d understand

and like im saying

im just so at peace being with them. Just being who I am now, being around Lilly, being with john

we hold hands and lmao it’s weird but she doesn’t think anything of it

it’s strange does she not sense that it’s me under this cover? 

I want to explain it to her so much

but she would just think I’m fucking around and it’d be cruel

but I’m just so happy with them

and I dont want it to end

but in roughly seven weeks it will change. 

au reviour 

hello new life

goodbye lilly

goodbye john

you wont even know I left 

I’ll forget you 

but my my, will I ever feel the same with the friends I make afterwards

I’m at peace with them. just laughing and nothing can hurt us when we’re in that moment

no embarrassment or shame can fault us

we live in the moment and we pass life by

but it’s always in the back of my mind

and the fear is becoming terrifying

there’s a panic, with an upside down grin on its face

an expression of falling into the abyss of my mind for 3 months

and i can feel it

who I truly am just watching this from the inside, falling and falling

and sure I could talk to a fucking counseller or some shit about this but id just switch places in 3 months 

and its not like they would level with me

man fuck that

there’s got to be people out there who know how this feels

man 

I’m just so happy with where I am right now

If I could stay like this for one or two years until i naturally move on I’d be so fucking happy 

I would be content.

but its just gonna change beneath my feet within 7 weeks

and I wont have true closure

I should be used to this

and I new i shouldnt have got close when I met her

i need to talk to john about this 

i didnt want to know how long I had left

but i feel happy after checking when i wrote my last entry

am i doing the maths right? 7 weeks is good, I thought maybe 3 or 4.

….

ok nah. 

I checked and I have 4 weeks left

ugh lilly 

fuck 

I really just

I’ll explain it to john first.

Then I’ll explain it to lilly maybe.

There has to be a way.

I woke up one morning, just out of the blue, I could smell lillies

and I followed the smell and she was just there waiting for john

and it’s like I knew he was gonna be there

it’s just

we’re in each others heads

and he didnt show up but I did? 

and it’s just fate its fucking incredible 

me and john spoke about this

there has to be a way.

in the next switch there has to be a way to find me 

he has to fucking find me

im thinking of doing something huge before I switch

fuck it

the place in the centre of town, near the bus station

there’s a grassy part with flowers and there is lillies everywhere

even the shiny white ones and that’s where I just happened to meet her

after literally waking up and following a smell just because I had the random desire to

like what in the fuck

its not a coincidence

whoever started this shit must have let this happen

or maybe its a mistake

but this 

I just want to stay who i am for another year

maybe two if you’d let me 

please

well

I think around 3 or 4 am, I can grab all the lillies from the garden place

and maybe john will help me but who knows, I’ll ask

and I’ll have to be quick. i guess I’ll shove them all into a bag and order a taxi so I can drive away

there’s probably security who glance at the cctv in the bus station, they’d report it 

then if i walk with a bag of flowers, covered in compost it would kind of fuck up

then i havent thought what to do with them

i want to do something huge

where everyone can see

like the scene from 500 days of summer where he draws the whole skyline on the wall

I dont care if she thinks I did it or John did it

 I just want her to see it 

and for it to leave a mark in her memory forever

so a part of this lifetime will live on 

it would be nice of you to understand but it’s so complex

and not a lot of people make these claims

I understand that you can’t understand

and it’s not necessarily okay but i guess its fine

and yeah

I want to do something

like leave a symbol all over town

every town in the city

in one night

maybe ask some people to help

something personal

i dont know

but maybe if it makes the news I’ll notice it before I change

something illegal

like lillies graffitid in the centres of every town

one town a night

and it will get noticed

and if john can get people together to do this

and it makes the news

that feeling

sure i must remember

i just 

im determined not to forget her

john, you have to help me with this

he has to

he must know how I feel

i dont even care that im not with her

being her friend right now just means the world to me

and john basically is me

he will help man

he has to