#i should say im not nonbinary before anyone thinks that

[dailyskateboard]

day 3: doodle 2

HAPPY NONBINARY PEOPLES DAY!!!

flags used: nonbinary, genderless, agender

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Hi! A bit of a weird ask here, hope you don't mind. (I swear it's not meant in bad faith)

So, I'm new to the fandom. I'd wanted to watch the show for a while and I finally found time. I did like it, and all the characters, esp Hen and Buck.

Even previous to watching it, I had seen many posts about Buddie. I didn't think much of it until I watched the show. And now I can say... I don't see it. Like, from Buck's side? Sure. But from Eddie's? Not so much.

They both clearly act like Christopher's co-parents a lot, and that's where I'm like "oh, maybe there IS something". But outside of that, I actually see their interactions as mostly platonic. And when I see people talk about it, I see mostly about how Eddie completely trusts Buck with his son (which I agree with and makes a good point), but not much else.

So, what am I missing? Sometimes some characters are harder for me to "read", so I know there could be stuff that I'm missing. What interactions do you see from them that are so clearly romantic (at least more so than they are platonic)? In which ways do you see Eddie showing feelings for Buck?

Sorry about such a long ask. This might be more of a rant (oops). I just really want to understand, bc everyone's so sure... and I'm not. (Also, thanks for reading if you got this far)

So i’m obviously not going to tell you thst your interpretation is wrong- art is subjective and your interpretation of things is completely valid.

that being said, to me i see myself in eddie in a lot of ways:

- only son in the family, so i had unrealistic expectations fixed on me about what my life as a “man” should look like (im not a man, im nonbinary but i was still amab so to my parents i’ve always been a ‘man’)

- raised in a very religious household where there were certain expectations on who i would one day marry and have a family with (because not getting married at all and never having kids was out of the question)

- i was repressed for years emotionally (and sexually) due to pressure from my parents/church and thought there was something “wrong” with me for the feelings i felt

- i often revert to anger as my default defense mechanism because i have repressed my emotions for so long (which is something i am working through in therapy)

so seeing those things i relate to reflected in eddie, it is easy for me to pick up on subtext (whether intentional or not) when it comes to his sexuality/feelings for Buck.

you mentioned eddie trusting buck with christopher— to me this is one of the clearest examples of eddie’s true feelings for buck because he completely trusts the most precious thing in his life with Buck, but he has never even come close to that same kind of trust with any of his romantic partners… even shannon he was apprehensive about letting her back into chris’s life. this means he trusts buck on a level he has never trusted anyone else before— and not to get into psychology, but often when people are repressed emotionally, they find ways to feed those feelings without overtly feeding them if that makes sense. so eddie giving chris (who is practically his whole heart) to buck is essentially eddie offering up his heart on a platter.

so that gets that one out of the way.

as for other examples… i am going to state again that eddie is more repressed than buck and doesn’t show emotion as easily as buck does so Buck’s attraction/feelings are going to be more clear-cut and obvious.

but i am constantly seeing examples of eddie’s feelings for buck interwoven subtly through things:

- crying over buck after the lightning strike when we had only ever seen him cry twice before

- the hurt in his face when buck said natalia was the only person who “saw” him

- the way that he gets overly jealous and acts petty around buck’s romantic partners (the most egregious being Taylor, but we have seen it happen in his other relationships as well)

- the fact that he has never been able to fully allow himself to have feelings for the women he’s dated

- he is looking for a mother figure (second parental unit for chris) but has already effectively filled that role with buck

- he is constantly looking at buck like he hung the stars and the sun and the moon

- he has only started going off the deep end of this fixation with shannon after buck came out to him, and he is onyl actively remembering their relationship as what he wished it had been rather than what it was— something i used to do back when i was still in denial about my sexuality was imagining this dream life where i was happily married to a woman because that is what i was supposed to want, not because it’s what i actually wanted

- eddie is the only one who has shown he understands buck’s recklessness is less him being reckless/thinking he’s unbreakable, but that it’s actually buck seeing himself as invaluable enough that getting hurt wouldn’t affect anyone around him

- one of my favorite scenes is post lightning-strike when eddie climbed the ladder and instead of trying to lower buck to the ground immediately, he initially tries to pull buck closer to him while screaming for him

the list could go on and on and if anyone else wants to leave their observations on eddie’s feelings for buck in the replies by all means please do! but these are just a few ways in which i have personally seen eddie’s devotion to buck portrayed in a light that is much deeper than a platonic level.

i hope this made sense and offers a new perspective for you, and i’m glad that even though you haven’t seen enough evidence in your own interpretation, your first instinct isn’t to jump down people’s throats to tell them they are wrong, but instead reaching out and asking for other opinions to better contextualize why us buddie shippers are so invested in these two!

(and never apologize for a long ask to me… if there’s one thing about me i love to yap lmao)

i hope you have a lovely day, anon!! 💕💕

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for pretending to be cis online? im a trans man and have been trans for almost ten years now. i am pre-most transition even though i would like to fully transition, due to money and medical phobia complications. i do not pass irl.

a few years ago i attempted stealth (saying i was a cis man) on a discord server before ultimately admitting to being trans because i was afraid everyone could tell, and was informed that even though they even heard my voice on the server, no one there suspected i was afab, and even when i said i was trans, some people assumed i was coming out as transfem, because i had passed myself as a cis man so well. this gave me euphoria, of course, and made me regret telling anyone since i was apparently passing so well.

i held onto those feelings, and a year or so after that, quietly changed my bios and stuff to remove the trans part. a little while after that, i started actively saying i was cis male in my bios and to new friends.

i should clarify this is not out of safety or fear of transphobia, all my family and irl friends know im trans and are 100% supportive, im lucky enough to live in a very progressive area, and my online existence is small and filled with tons of trans and supportive people. it's only because i feel dysphoric when i know people can perceive me as afab, and since i don't have control over that irl, i just want someone in the world to see me as amab, even if im not and never will be.

i also am not by any means a transmed. i myself am also gnc, and many many of my friends are loud and proud queer weirdos, and i am too with everything but my agab. i love the wacky ways other trans folks present their genders and refuse to sanitize themselves for cisciety. i do not think anyone should ever have to water down who they are for any reason and i don't think being afab makes anyone less of a man, just i personally don't like facing the fact that i am afab and would rather people see me as a cis man whenever i can control it.

this might be where the asshole comes in here, because being gnc, being surrounded by so many trans people and being in many "afab dominated" spaces (such as fanfic writers, tumblr, fandom in general honestly) as well as having a lot of trans headcanons makes me paranoid people are going to clock me and even if they don't say anything they'll know im faking being cis. because of that, and to avoid the dreaded "egg" conversations (people trying to insist or imply that ill soon "find out" that im transfem) ive sometimes been telling people when the subject comes up that i had experimented with my gender before and thought i was transfem or nonbinary in the past, so i sort of fit the idea of cis+ and that might be why i feel more trans than cis even though im definitely cis.

i also tell them im intersex and have trans family (both of these are true, though obviously im intersex in a different way than i say) to get them off my scent.

i know i dont owe anyone my agab, but when all is said and done, i am lying about my gender and history with gender exploration, and i kinda feel like im disrespecting other trans folks by implying it would personally feel better to be cis, like i can't relate to other trans people saying they never want to be cis and the goal of being trans isn't to be cis. but i do. i also worry that having trans hcs (including in sexual contexts) for characters while im presenting myself as cis makes people think im a chaser.

anyway sorry this is long, but aita for lying about my gender?

What are these acronyms?

[askanonbinary]

Hi, so I think I might be non binary, but im really confused. When I was younger, I sort of had this image for myself, I wanted to be a woman, with a man, and have kids, but now that I think about it, it never really felt right, I think I just wanted to fit in with society, I didn't really like anyone and barely even knew what gender was back then, and didn't know being queer was a thing. I mean i still dont properly tbh. Also what the heck even is gender, because, I mean, I don't feel right being a girl or a guy, and I know i feel more comfortable being a girl (I am afab) but at the same time being a girl doesn't feel right either. Like almost I prefer presenting as more stereotypically masculine but I prefer more feminine terms, like pretty etc, but my gender feels neutral. Is that valid? I mean i still prefer to be more girlish, so am i just faking it? Or maybe i dont prefer to be considered as a girl but ive just always been seen as one and i live in a cis and heteronormative society, and im only trying to be female so i fit in? I mean, i don't even know why I feel more gender neutral, considering I don't really even understand what classifies you as a certain gender. Also i don't like guys I don't think, I think I just used to think I liked them because I identify with them more, but then my first 'girl crush' turns out to be genderfluid/non binary, but I still like them, so how does that actually work. Like I don't really get how some genders don't feel attractive to me but others do? How do I not like men but like basically anyone else? And how do I even go about being queer, or figuring stuff out, or just maybe even acting more comfortably with my gender, im so confused? Im sorry if that sounds weird, I'm only recently discovering I'm queer, and don't really know how to go about it, plus my family aren't very understanding and I dont have many queer people around me that I can ask for advice, all the other queer people I know are only starting to figure it out too, I have no idea what or who I am yet, is that valid?

; well firstly I'd like to say you're going to feel confused for a while, because this is a new and confusing process. Often when someone grows up in a world with desires and expecations set by others ( get married, have kids, etc like you mentioned ) plus the additional how you should be / act ( be cis, be straight, etc, ), it's really confusing to then realize you don't fit into these very restricting boxes. And so genuinely, don't feel bad for being confused and for being complicated. Those are probably the most " normal " ( as in, common ) things you could be really. Difference is the most common thing there is, so don't stress that you don't fit into one or two neat little boxes ! No one really does do they

; secondly, how you feel about your gender vs how you like being referred to & expressing yourself are all three separate things, sometimes they're similar sometimes not. But if you feel neutral, but prefer feminine terms while also wish to present masculinely, then that's okay ! You're okay to be that and to feel that, totally okay. ( also side note: what " classifies " you as a certain gender is whether or not you want to be classified as that gender, simply speaking. You want to be nonbianry ? You're nonbinary. Want to be a girl ? You're a girl. Want to be a mix of both or three or four ? Then you're that ! And everyone is going to be nonbinary, etc, a little differently. There's similarities and common experiences but it's your identity, so it's going to be specific to you !! )

; thirdly, when realizing you're nonbinary ( and / or when beginning to question your gender at all ) often orientation comes after, and vice versa. ( I know that the moment I found out liking people other than men was an option, I wondered if being a man was an option too and then it simply took off from there and now I'm where I am today: just as confused as I was before much more confident that even if I don't always have the right label, I'm comfortable being me in whatever phase " me " is that day or even that minute, and if that changes then it changes ! ) So if you right now don't feel attraction to men, you don't feel attraction to men ! And I get it, knowing " why " or " how " you like one gender but not the other is confusing, especially with how diverse gender is in the first place. But just, trust that you know what you want, and stick to that while navigating all these terms and experiences !! You'll get through the initial panic, don't worry.

; and fourthly, it's not weird or anything: this is literally the place to ask questions about these sorts of things, and if anyone is going to understand your experiences even just a little it's going to be the people who went through / are going through them too. So no worries about that !! And if the people you're asking questions from answer back with a question themselves, you can find the answers together.

; and lastly: you're valid, your identity is so valid and it has been forever. No matter how confusing or complicated or different it is, it's valid. Even if you never 100% find a label / labels that describe you fully, you're still valid ! And your identity sure as heck is real, I mean it's your identity and it's right there. Seems real and valid enough to me no ?

; good luck figuring out your identity and everything else, and I wish you luck on being confused !! :]

- Mod Xela

[mithliya]

Im thinking you might get anons or comments saying “why did you do something????” Meaning cause a scene or protest or go graffiti their shit or something like that. Boo him. Walk out in a big group flipping the bird, shout “women don’t have dicks” or smthn. And the thing is I thought all of that but caught myself. I’m just having a fight or flight response reading about being in a “lesbian event” with 25+ males present including one on stage. Thing is if I were in that situation I would probably think twice too. Men kill women for less pushback and you were not expecting or prepared for this. If anyone is feeling that they would have done more — look up events in your area. You will likely find one you can go disrupt however you want that claims to be lesbian but is male including. That will get it done 1000% more than fantasizing or armchair criticizing online. Go in prepared though and I think graffiti is the best bet for something that gets the dissent in the open but doesn’t open you to direct attack.

At the same time we can and should organize and control our own events.

yeah i mean i thought there’d be males present bc the event organisers basically made them explicitly welcome anyways :/ just not in the way i saw them there. but like at the end of the day, lesbians get attacked & ostracised & harassed for less in our own spaces nowadays. one lesbian bar was literally vandalised because they didn’t let an obvious man in (& that obvious man identified as ~nonbinary~). i’ve been to that lesbian (“FLINTA”) bar before and there were actually a lot of guys (maybe like 10-15 men, most gender-conforming and seem very much straight) so i had to wonder how extremely male that guy had to be to not be let in. and still TRAs vandalised it, are calling for a boycott, & are trying to get it closed down.

i’d love to be a super brave woman with no fear of consequences who boos a man while surrounded by several men and many women who are cheering for it and risks getting kicked out of the event i had to spend money to even be a part of, potentially get physically assaulted, and perhaps never be allowed to lesbian bars & events in the area again bc of it but like. easier said than done. i was visibly disgusted & hating on it with my gf but i cant pretend i would’ve been able to do more in that situation

[loopscereal]

i need to know what happened between golden and freddy.... i also need to know more about golden in general. anything. i love them

heheheh hi chocooo im so glad youre curious :3 this is very fun. uh. first i must say: golden didnt do jack 👹 freddys just an insufferable bastard 👹👹👹 also you're. making it hard not to impulsively start the AU blog... god /light hearted, positive, half-joking

sorry for not answering asap i wanted to answe it a billion different ways but here u go ig lol

“loops i swear to god if this is an animal thing again”

its an animal thing yall. Im kidding. Its only partly an animal thing. the folloring screenshots are form my Friends With You and Zombie boards!

In these screenshots above we see Golden introducing themselves, and Freddy's reaction. Their name means Gold in english, AU on the periodic table, their favorite number is seven, and that's fine. Then their other speech bubbles start turning red. They say they like to sing, that they're nonbinary, and that they're an Andean/spectacled bear. Then we see Freddy's face. Something is bothering him, and its those things Golden said about themself.

1. The singing.

Some background. Golden didn't join the animatronics off the bat, they weren't in the group until ALMOST a week after Freddy was integrated.

He already had background on guitar, but he was going to be the voice, was looking forward to being in that role. He didn't present himself as really desiring the role, and was genuinely internally conflicted about it. He doesn't want to stand out, he cant let himself stand out, he's already failing so hard by being in a band, and yet. He does want to take this, he does want to be in this role, but he keeps making up excuses as to why he shouldn't, why he can't be the singer. Freddy sings, privately, and he downplayed his debilitated passively to the animatronics. Both singing and guitar. Saying that they could surely find a better singer in no time, and that he could very much settle as second guitar, and in fact should be, he can't complete with Bonnie, its not even a question. ^^ He's fine being outshines, he thinks should be. He's most comfortable in the shadows.

The animatronics respond with. "Okay, we won't force you to be the singer, we will try seeing if anyone else is interested, but you're the only one of us with some basics in it, and this whole band is for fun, and we don't care if you kinda suck. We kinda suck, were all learning together, being dedicated is all that matters you don't have to be amazing out the gate." (they don't say exactly that, but that's what they're tying to say lol.) Anyways They make a deal that if the week passes and they haven't found a singer that Freddy should be their voice by virtue of having some background in it. Freddy agrees to this, and quietly hopes the week passes with 'no luck' in finding a singer. He wont say what he wants, and just hopes the path of least resistant allows him it have this, even if hes conflicted about it.

Then Golden appears before the week ends. Saying they can sing, and the animatronics are all like. Oh wow this is perfect lmao in the nick of time haha.

I give all that context because i wanna make it so clear that Golden didn't take this from Freddy. Golden came in with Fox, without any intent of joining the band at all! They just introduced themself with their usual intro (they've got a script) which happens to include the fact that they like to sing.

Golden learns that Freddy has some background, that Freddy was gonna be the voice if they didn't find anyone before the end of the week. They say that they don't want to take this from Freddy if he wants the role as singer, since Freddy was here first. Freddy assured that Golden's a better fit with more experience. Golden offers that they both be the singers. Freddy declines and says he can stick with 2nd guitar. He's better at guitar than singing anyway.

Freddy chose to let this go.

Regardless of what Freddy said, Golden catches Freddy quietly singing along to their songs on more than one occasion, and just acting odd around them. After Freddy makes eye-contact with golden in the scene above, we see that he messed up his playing, apologizes to the animatronics, ad excuses himself. Of course Golden is going to notice that and make a mental note of it. They don't want to assume anything, they don't want to make up what-ifs, they don't want Freddy to be uncomfortable in the band, so what do they do?

They reach out like a normal person.

They did try to brush this off as some fluke they were seeing, but consistent instances convinced them something up, and they were just. confused? Slight agitated by not knowing what the hell is going on between them, what they did to upset Freddy, since the others mannerisms seem to clearly show a response to Golden in particular. How Fox acts when Golden has tries to approach Freddy about it, as if he fucking knows smth that they don't. They don't like being out of the info loop. They don't like being in messed they didn't know they were in! They'd like to resolve this.

Freddy ghosts them for as long as he can. But eventually comes a day where the animatronics all agree to hang out outside of school someday, and Freddy who had previously agreed to it is baking the hell out without telling anyone because he doesn't want to be confronted by Golden.

But golden shows up outside Freddy n Fred's. "I'm picking you up." Silly. Anyways Freddy cant get out of this now! Snap under the slighted bit of pressure you fool. Freddy says to give him a minute as he gets ready, then gets in the car.

Golden asks if the discomfort they're detecting From Freddy stems from them 'taking' the role of the bands singer. Freddy says it isn't.

Golden then follows up, slightly more annoyed? i don't really know what this sentiment is called. They're a bit tired. They ask if Freddy is bothered by Golden's nonbinary identity, since it's something people often find issue with. If the singing isn't a problem, then they naturally ask if the issue is the one thing people always question and complain about. Freddy interrupts them, in this. Not saying no, but responding with another question.

"Why do you pretend you don't know, who's to blame." Then motions to himself. He's asking why Golden is think they did anything at all. Saying they didn't do anything, that its a 'him issue'. He's to blame, the cause of his own problem, and Golden hasn't done anything to upset him. Golden's confused by this. Despite trying not to make things up, despite trying not to assume whats wrong, between the times the noticed something was upsetting Freddy, that he was uncomfortable, they had caught all these moments and attached them to themself. Lightly assuming they were the cause. So its surprising and confusing to hear "You didn't do anything, I did this to myself. You're fine, you're perfect, it's me and my head. Its not you at all"

They arrive outside Golden's house entrance (the gate) now, getting off the car then talking more now that they're out and on foot.

Freddy doesn't address how the singing does bother him, nor Golden's nonbinary identity.

2. Golden being Nonbinary

Why the hell would Golden being Nb bother Freddy? How the hell does that affect you dude? Whats wrong with you? Golden is out, Golden knows their identity, they're relatively androgynous as well, their family knows, the school lets them bring a unique uniform to school because of their family, they wear a nonbinary pin all the time. They know they're nonbinary, and tell people as such.

Freddy is. SO damn envious. Envious that they're androgynous, envious that the school allows them to present how they want, that they've told their family, that their family is seemingly clearly supportive of their identity. Envious that they dress in the way that makes them happy, that they're openly nonbinary its one of the first things they'll tell you about themselves.

Freddy's so envious and bothered that Golden seems so fucking sure. So sure of themselves and of their identity. They know they're nonbinary, they know their identity.

Freddy fucking doesn't. He's transmasc, and the only reason the animatronics know Freddy as male is because he misspoke. It was an accident he was too nervous to 'correct' himself on in the moment and refused to correct because 'it would be weird now'. Doesn't accept that he likes how hes refereed to with the band, makes excuses as to why he can't 'correct' them, god knows he wont tell his mom, especially when he isn't even sure. Hes going through hoops. Gender questioning crisis and also in denial and just generally fighting himself about it, and is PISSED some other person dares be chill about themself and confident in their identity. Envious of their certainty, pissed that they know.

lmao. get over it i hate him.

ANYWAY. The final thing.

3. Golden being an Andeadn bear.

jesus christ be normal you freak ass bear

Golden is an inland Andean bear. Freddy is a coastal Grizzly bear.

Now what the hell does that mean? It should be nothing! IT should be nothing because your animal isn't all thaaaat important to most people. Freddy is not most people. He's a fucking Grizzly bear. That feels pretty fuckin important. Why is that important? Why cant you be normal you fuck freak?

Uh. growing up, Freddy has had it drilled into his head that he as a bear is an inherit danger to others, to watch himself for the sake of others, that he can hurt people if he isn’t careful. People were always weary of him, even as a child.

He’s a grizzly bear, even a cub can be lethal, some might argue they're more dangerous due to unrefined motor-control.

This upset him greatly, he couldn’t just have fun as a child without getting told to be careful for the sake of the people he wanted to play with. He was already pretty reserved, awkward, and distant in a personality sense, and that gave him enough trouble connecting to people.

being a bear is important, being a bear matters, being a patter shapes how he presents himself and how he acts with people and how he had to do double to look half as safe to be around.

Golden is an andean bear.

The total average spectacled bear is about 5.3 ft/161cm. It's mostly an herbivore, it's average diet is 5-7% meat, they aren't territorial. How do they react with humans or other bears? Docile, cautious, but docile unless their babies are near. They're called "spectacled bear" or "oso de anteojos" because aw their fur pattern makes them look like they're wearing glasses! They don't hibernate since the Andes mountains are near the equator and don't experience those seasonal changes. Their weight and length/height varies between sexes, over all length is 120-200cm, "Males can weigh from 100 to 200 kg (220 to 440 lb), and females can weigh from 35 to 82 kg (77 to 181 lb)" (Wikipedia. i trust it too much for my own good. I'm writing this as 2am lol) and guess who's on hormone blockers baybeeeee. Sorry Golden is so small compared tot he other bears.

Anyway, do you know how many Andean bear attacks their are every year? Fucking NONE. at least none i can find. Wikipedia says there one reported death, but when i try searching it firefox talking about spectacled bears escaping their enclosure, or BEING killed, cause they're ENDANGERED, due to poaching! They aren't perceived as threats, people see them in the streets (irl) and toss em fruit. they are found sleeping in trees in public, they aren't perceives as a threat. They're glorified dogs.

Then there's Grizzlies.

Do I need to explain this? Do i need to explain how polar fucking opposite an andean bear is from a grizzly? Well im GONNA.

The average Grizzly bear is about 6.5 ft/198cm. They're omnivores, they're known to take down big animals like moose, gown ones!! Thought ofc they're more likely to take the babies/younger version of larger animals cause its just. easier. They eat fish, they scavenge remains, they eat birds and their eggs, even dangerous birds like eagles. their total average length/height is 198 -240 cm. (6.4-7.8ft) Their diet is 10-20% meat, they ARE territorial, very territorial. Relation with humans and other bears? Are you kidding? Their name means grizzled, fearsome, gruesome, "horrible bear" for a reason. They have range across all of north america, and i previously mentioned Golden being inland and Freddy being coastal. Inland bears tend to be smaller by a good amount compared to coastal bears, just across all of them, since coast means a lot of food. THey hubernate, they ARE perceived as dangerous, they have an entire weapon created tot ake them down (bear trap) and what it does is imobilize and incapacitate them, not kill the, A bear trap has the same force a bears jaw typically has. Fitting huh? Why wouldnt you use a gun? Brown and black (not to mention polar, biggest of them all) bears can tank bulletes! their skin is thick, their body is sturdy! Its common to hear people say "if youre faced with a grizzly, and you have a gun, you are best off aiming at yourself" THATS. HELLO? JEsus christ lol.

Freddy confesses how much he compared the two of them, he and Golden, their bears, he doesn't go deeply into it because he's aware how weird it sounds to be so focused on their animal. But he talks about it, how he feels like this big, terrible thing in comparison, struggles he has as a bear, seeing golden have basically none of those issues kinda ! sucks! He wishes he could be a teddy bear, he wishes he could be more like Golden. Less of an inherit threat.

"And i can tell you really love me"

Golden can tell Freddy's being really honest wit this, that he really means it, that he's really opening up, that the two of them are genuinely getting somewhere, genuinely at the start of a resolution. They can tell Freddy cares, in some way, because 'this whole time it want the discomfort i thought it was, he clearly has been trying to put his way of thinking away, his way of letting animal dictate his life is overwhelming and its weird but admirable that he's kept it away.

Golden assures Freddy that he's more than just his animal, sure if affects aspects of their lived, that Freddy doesn't come off half as threatening as he thinks he does. That they see him as a person and not just a bear.

This rings hollow to Freddy.

But he says hes really, very, sorry, for making things weird and uncomfortable. They he's trying to get rid of that way o thinking, it was drilled into him, and he's trying ti shake it off. "can you tell I'm really sorry?" Can you tell I'm very sorry

"Can you tell I'm really sorry?" Can you tell I'm actually sorry? Can you tell I meant it at all?

He switched with Fred, so they can pretend like that conversation resolved anything on Freddys end.

Long story short Golden didn't do shit other than exist, Freddy's an envious bastard. if you made it all this way here's some Golden fun facts i didn't finish but tried to make for this post. Also so sorry if this ended up sounding so Freddy cnetric, Golden genuinly didnt have that much of a fucking problem with Freddy.

i didn't finish theeeese. if you cant read my writing FAIR. iiiiii just ask and ill transcribe what they say. heart emoji.

i probably missed something,,, if i missed smth and remeber ill add it in the comments.

anyways thank you times a billion for the ask choco!! i love this interactive stuff i love talking to you guys i love this little community of our :D you all are always welcome to send me asks and message me whatever whenever! 💞💞💞 ive never had so much fun in the internet, adore you all fnafhsblr :3 my beloved neighbors

[drill-teeth-art]

i'm sure you've gotten this already, but i wanted to reach out and say your Good Bi Gender comic REALLY resonated with me. i identify as nonbinary but so often i get called transmasc or assumed i want masculinity Only when that's not how i feel at all. i LIKE femininity, i like being feminine and everything that comes with it; i call myself a sister and a daughter and i identify a lot with women's issues and struggles in society!

but im not a woman. i don;t think I've ever felt like one and i haven't been one for the last four years. i don't want to remove any parts of my body and while it would be cool to have more stereotypically masculine aspects (idk facial hair and wider shoulders maybe) I'm also ok as i am.

it's upsetting that there is such a binary view, that even other trans people decide we can only be one. i don't want to be one, i want both, and i want the beautiful things they can both make, i want to be so much because i AM so much and i just.

idk this probably doesn't make a lot of sense and hgfjdksl sorry for pouring into your inbox; i really wanted to say thank you. your comic was for you and your experiences but reading it made me feel seen and heard in a way no one has made me feel before. you verbalised something i have had so much trouble expressing and while our experiences are not the same, i deeply resonate with what you expressed in a way that touched me very very strongly.

i hope someday you are allowed both your femininity and your masculinity at the same time. i hope someday you can be wholly happy <3

No I get you it makes a TON of sense to me. The frustration of talking to people (even a lot of other trans people I’ve met) who only seem to understand gender in terms of the binary is so much. And it’s like. Our identities and experiences differ for sure, but the frustration of having to explain to others over and over that your gender doesn’t fit the binary and you don’t want it to is very real and exhausting and heartbreaking. Because like. Having to make your gender “palatable” to people who only understand the binary is something no one should have to do but the pressure to do it is real and intense. The amount of “I didn’t know anyone else felt this way” just in the comments and tags on my comic really is like. A testament of how shut out of the gender conversation identities that actively do and strive to defy the binary are.

Like. In my own case. I shouldn’t have to get rid of my boobs to be considered a man. I shouldn’t have to hide my femininity to be taken seriously as a trans person. Neither my manhood or womanhood should have to die for the other. They’re not even opposites. In fact. If I can put it abstractly. My manhood and womanhood have plenty of overlap in presentation and are very much in love. And the binary is hell bent on forcing even trans people to choose a binary box to fit neatly in. And that’s screwed up.

I hope this world finds kindness in it for you as well and that whatever gender presentation and balance is right for you is respected. Thank you for the kind words and reaching out.

[genderqueerdykes]

I just want to thank you for giving people a safe space to be themselves authentically. I am struggling with my gender and sexuality several years after transitioning because I have denied myself the ability to be who I am, forcing myself from one binary into another. Now I'm finally off T (I knew I didnt want to take it forever because both binaries make me dysphoric but I kept pushing myself to because I didnt want anyone to think I was detransitioning) and trying to accept myself for who I am and this blog is helping me so much. I finally feel like I can accept that I AM nonbinary, I AM agenderflux, I AM a lesbian/sapphic, I AM a butch boydyke. I feel so many emotions finally allowing myself to reclaim the term butch and dyke and still having my genderfuckery and not trying to fit the mold. Too long have I denied my experience for someone else's comfort. Not anymore! 💕 Keep up the amazing work!!!

😭😭😭

I'm so glad you feel better now, i am sorry your journey has been so rocky, and that you've been made to feel like you have to be someone you're not. i just wanted to say i was right there with you for so long and it's not fair for people to be forced to feel unlike themselves even in "supportive" spaces

I'm so glad you are feeling more like yourself, and like you can identify the way you actually feel- being nonbinary can be hell. everyone has something to say about your gender and identity. you define being nonbinary because you are non-binary and i think the way you are nb is badass

I'm glad you stopped T before you felt too dysphoric. many nb people choose to take T for a while and then stop. that's okay, your health should be in your hands. im so glad youre feeling like you can announce those things! being non-binary, agenderflux, a boydyke, a lesbian and a butch are all awesome, and I'm glad you're feeling better reclaiming the term dyke! queer means weird and that's awesome! it doesn't have to make sense!

take care of yourself, you know who you are before anyone else. you deserve to feel confident and proud!! take care of yourself, you r super cool!

[lighthousegod]

Recently, my cis lesbian roommate made a comment about "he/theys" that kinda stuck with me. She said these people, on her dating app, were matching with her and ignoring that she had lesbian in her bio.

We'd had convos about whether trans mascs and trans men could be lesbians (im a transmasc person, but not a lesbian, although ive identified with the label before), and I'm all for he/him lesbians and trans men who are lesbians- I've researched, I know Stone Butch Blues, I don't think telling anyone they can or can't be anything is right.

So this sorta stuck with me. I went, "but. They probably identify as nonbinary if they use they, and even if they don't, trans guys sometimes ID as lesbians too." And she was like "well, but I'm not attracted to masculine people." And I brought up that she does usually like butch lesbians (who definitely use other pronouns besides she/her sometimes!), and she sorta brushed me off, saying there was a different "vibe" between transmascs who use he/they and butches (even though they... sometimes are the transmascs she's talking about???)

So I was like "well, do you have 'looking for femmes' in your bio or something?"

"No."

"Then how are they supposed to know??"

"I don't know it's just my preference!!"

It was super. Odd. I should say, my roommate is cis but uses she/he pronouns. She is, in fact, a lesbian who uses he/him sometimes, as he identifies as bigender *but not a man, ever.

I just find this all so confusing. I mean, let's think about it, fr.

So the popular idea today is that lesbians cannot be men, so trans men can't be lesbians.

Now, here's what that implies: if trans men can't be lesbians, then they are always in the same category as cis men. Now, of course, some trans men ARE in that category, usually binary trans men- and they're all men, right, so every man is under that umbrella. But still, gender isn't so simple. Trans men and transmascs have vastly different experiences between each other and especially cis men. This isn't to do with internal identity, but outward perception. Regardless of whether I'm a man or not, the world has seen me as a woman all my life. That makes it very hard to be accepted and comfortable in mlm spaces, especially when theres so much transphobia in the cis gay community. Plenty of trans men are stealth, or simply have a supportive community, and are welcomed like a cis man would be. But that's not the case for everyone, and not every trans man WANTS to be treated in the same way a cis man might.

But whatever, okay, let's go with that. Trans men are men and lesbian means non-man attracted to non-man, so they're not included cause it's invalidating to (some) trans men, regardless of if they've identified with the label lesbian for years or feel unsafe in mlm spaces bc of how overwhelmingly cis they can be, or whatever else.

So... what about nonbinary men, then? Nonbinary women seem to be accepted, not just nb fems but those who identify as both nonbinary AND a woman- so why are nonbinary men not?

"Because they have man in their identity and lesbians can't like men"

So.. what about bigender people? People who are both men AND women. They can't be lesbians? I guess not.

But let's say they can, and we're just excluding binary trans men from the term lesbian..

People often bring up "would you accept a cis man identifying as a lesbian?" As an arguing point here. Bringing it back to my original point, would you accept a "he/they"? What if they were amab, and had no interest in transitioning? Or a transmasc person who DID? I just saw a transfem lesbian saying she couldn't possibly let trans men with full beards into lesbian spaces as it was transphobic and wrong- aren't there transfem lesbians who don't want to shave or get their face lasered? What do sex characteristics have to do with it? I thought we were trying to avoid labels based on that sort of thing.

So at the end of the day, I guess it really is about the label of "man." What's that even mean? That's literally just a word. I'm so confused.

[hard--headed--woman]

i feel kinda messed up rn bc before i got with my ex i had been convinced by the trans community that i was nonbinary and went by them/them for ages.

but my ex was a conservative controlling male basically and started calling me by she/her and my deadname even while i was telling him not too. (but obviously not for radfem reasons lol) eventually during the relationship i got into radfem theory and it was ur post about why a lot of women identify as nonbinary that actually started me thinking about it and i realised it pretty much described exactly me.

issue is, because my ex was so controlling and a lot of people would probably classify him as absuive, i still hate being called by she/her and my 'deadname' by anyone i know. now i just associate it with a control tactic and a way to make me feel shitty. on the other hand, i feel like im betraying my own beliefs and that i should try find a way to reconnect with those identifiers, but bc the wound is so fresh rn it was a far from easy

sorry that this is so long, i'm just kinda wondering if u have any advice, and i've just been considering how many other women probably try to identify out of being female because of trauma related reasons.

Hey, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me about it! I hope I will be able to help you a little bit!

First of all, please don't feel guilty for not liking being called by your "deadname" or referred to as "she/her". You've identified as non binary for ages, so you got used to it, and because of the abusive relationship you went through (sorry for that by the way, it's terrible and I hope you're doing better), this name and these pronouns remind you of your traumas, of the abuse you suffered, and make you feel bad. This is normal, you're not betraying any beliefs or any cause, it's is a human reaction and you're not doing anything wrong. I think most radfems would agree with me on that. No one can blame you so don't blame yourself.

Before anything else, I'll say that if you really can't hear that name and these pronouns, no matter how hard you try, don't force yourself. Maybe it's not what I should say but at the end of the day, if you try for a long time to accept this name and the female pronouns, and it doesn't work, no one would blame you for deciding to keep using your "new" name (or picking another one) and the they/them pronouns.

Now about your problem in itself. Well it might sound obvious but the best way to reconcile yourself with your name and female pronouns is to heal from your traumas due to this shitty relationship. Talk about it, for example to your friends or family, tell them how you feel, go out, focus on your hobbies and the things you like, meet new people if you feel like it, go to therapy if it helps, find a way to express your feelings... Do everything you need to do to feel better and move on. Step by step. It might take some time but you'll get there!

Same for your name and your pronouns. Do it step by step. Use them for yourself in your head first, or in writing. Try a diminutive of your "deadname" first, or going back to the full name again. Ask just one person to use she/her for you first, so you can get used to it again, and then ask more people to do the same thing. Talk with people who never had to call you they/them or by your other name, they will call you she/her and use your "deadname", it might help you a bit. In your head, try to distance this name and these pronouns from the abuse in itself, try to associate it with beautiful things and memories, or with your beliefs (like, "letting peoole use this name for me would be a feminist act", etc...). Step by step! I am sure you'll get there <3

As you said, the wounds are still fresh, it's normal that you need time. It will perhaps take some time but you will heal and you'll be able to hear your name and pronouns again, I know it. There's no hurry! Take your time. It's already amazing of you to learn radfem beliefs and become gender critical after years of identifying as non binary (and I am proud to have played a role in this haha!).

Have a good day and feel free to send me another ask/to dm me if you need/want <3

[dare0451]

cosigning a lot of this. but/and, following the talk about the transmasc readings, im gonna be real, i kinda hate those for the beta kids? not just for john but for dave too. like.

ok i wanna be clear. i want homestuck to have good transmasc rep. i want that dearly. i want this comic queered to the nines and if i had my way we'd have stuck a t needle in yiffany's ass years ago. that dog deserves a wispy mustache. jane too lets get him on that shit too. i know roxy is transmasc in the meat timeline but theyre kinda doin jack shit with that so i want somethin better for yall.

i add this preface to be clear that im not against transmasc rep or think its distracting from transfem rep or anything (tho as juney said up top these headcanons Are rhetorically used to do so by bad actors within the community. but im not saying that about the work itself)

but if you think any of the kids in the beta timeline were childhood transitioners you straight up are not engaging with the story. at the start of homestuck all four of the beta kids are homophobic shame-filled little twerps. jade goes on a tirade about how shes not a furry (which is why shes the one exception i have for thinking the betas should always be depicted as being the agab the comic gives them, because while shes clearly afab she is Thematically trans so making her such in out of context art tracks). john is famously on the record as not being a homo sexual, and questions absolutely nothing about his life to the point he believes his dad is a busking clown. dave is casually homophobic and misogynistic. rose is. rose. their arcs are about accepting the parts of them that theyre ashamed of. skaia is a self-actualization engine with a terrible cost.

the transmasc read of dave especially has always bewildered me. his entire arc is about unlearning the standard of masculinity that was thrust on him as his birthright and obligation. he is inherently and unavoidably a cis boy at the start of the comic and the primary theme of his entire character is unlearning the habits and grappling with the traumas that come from being raised to be the macho man burly brawling hero. how is a character about the terrible cost of being raised to Be A Man good or desirable transmasc rep?

my point here is that i think pretty much all of the readings of characters being trans from the start in homestuck are just... fucking piss weak? the beta kids at least. i could see the alpha striders being transmasc, sure. but the betas? theyre. theyre so unavoidably cis at the start.

trans headcanons work for most media where the writers or at least their higher ups wouldnt dare make a trans character textual, if they even wanted to, which they dont. but when talking about an extremely queer webcomic made by a nonbinary person who handed it off to a team of queer people when it stepped down?

all trans configurations should demand better than "i think theyre probably trans before the story starts <3" and start demanding more june egberts. transitioning is a big part of life that tends to happen later in life. it being a part of a characters larger story should be expected, not written off as a headcanon. june egbert is someone finally doing this shit right and yet all anyone is doing is suppressing it in favor of anti-textual headcanons. demand better from your fiction! demand june!

June Egbert is, and always has been incredibly fascinating to me because of just, how many factors have conspired to make Homestuck fans show their collective transmisogynistic asses.

The main character of Homestuck transitioning is a planned future plot point for the official continuation of homestuck, that was spoiled in advance by a fan making a joke about finding some toblerones Andrew Hussie the author of homestuck hid in a cave.

The current main writers of Homestuck: Beyond Canon have went on record in an AMA confirming that this was indeed always the plan, even before they took up the project.

In spite of these facts, the general consensus among certain homestuck fans seems to be that "June Egbert" is purely a headcanon for the original comic that was "made canon" by a "Toblerone Wish" (a concept that didn't even exist at the time)

For a variety of reasons, the "canonicity" of the postcanon official continuations of homestuck is a mattter of much debate, (though a debate that most homestuck fans seem to err on a side of "it's not canon at all in the slightest," something the writers have feelings on I'm sure.)

All of these factors combined leave the concept of "June Egbert" in a very nebulous place. It's assumed by most to just be an "ascended headcanon" that was shoehorned in, it's a spoiler so it hasn't happened yet in any official media, and the official media it will eventually happen in is regarded by some to be nothing more than glorified fanfic.

If someone is talking about June Egbert, and you don't like the concept of June Egbert, you have your pick of a million different excuses for why she's fake and gay and not worth discussing and bad writing and just the authors doing a gay dumbledore*, paying lip service to representation while actually doing nothing.

And of course, lots of people *don't* like June Egbert! Rather than being introduced as transfem from the start, she's in this nebulous position of discovery where people have to truly reckon with the idea of a "Pre-transition Trans Woman."

You can try to write off *some* of the backlash as transphobia, because obviously not everyone in this fandom is gonna be cool about trans people.

But there's no shortage of fans just dying to tell you about how much they like reading her as transmasc, or the idea of her being nonbinary or genderqueer or genderfluid, or literally anything besides a trans woman. And since they're fine with all those other interpretations, there's obviously no implicit biases driving their distaste for the concept! (if you want to try explaining the concept of "transmisogyny" to people like this you're braver than I.)

you can trust them when they say it's *just* a problem with whether or not it makes sense with the writing, or it just doesn't feel right somehow, or any of the thousands of excuses that this writing situation gives them to just Not Like It.

It's just, so interesting to me. There's not a lot of characters out there that get a trans arc in this way, that leaves room for open denialism and insistence that we have our trans cake and eat it too... Because Homestuck is a timeline spanning multiverse story, lots of people seem to want it to be an alternate timeline thing. Assuring us we can have this character share space with a non-transitioning version of herself and it won't be weird or imply gross things about trans people.

If you ask me it feels like a plotline that'd be really good for exploring some gender horror though, finding your true self and then being demoted to a footnote, an alternate version, because everyone around you likes your pre-transition self more....

Anyway I have no broader point beyond "hey look at this isn't this kinda weird. You don't get this kinda stuff often!"

*side note: it's a little ghoulish I think to compare "a future trans plot point that hasn't been given the chance to even happen yet, in an already famously queer piece of media, from a nonbinary author" to "some stupid shit done by the literal most famous transphobe of all time" but that's perhaps a discussion for later.

[fictionfixations]

oc-insert

resigned to never writing multi-chaptered and naruto fics because 1. procrastination. 2. id say id need to watch naruto first to write anything about it, even if ive read an absurd amount of time travel fics, yknow?

so. uh. here. this is old. i dont need these notes anymore. so im dumping them here.

-----------------------------

the oc test: insert into naruto

no but seriously theres a stupidly large amount of more oc-inserts in naruto then any other fandom ive seen and that might be because of dreaming of sunshine (finally succumbed and read it. its not bad but my first instinct is 1. not to read first person. 2. not to read female pov. but there was a really good naruto x hp crossover with female harry. and i just had to bite the bullet at that point aghh.) i mean. im not trying to be sexist with it. but i mean. ive read way too many male/nonbinary povs that im just used to it. two, i got horribly dysphoric over she/her, although its better now (i was just in a really bad place mentally) but since i avoided it, now i avoid it out of habit and sometimes f/m relationships make me cringe. and thats probably because ive always seen the really bad ones portrayed which whoops

anyway reinen!! my beloved oc who ive only written once (in khr) which is a crime and i should write more. he/they pronouns my precious …they're probably eccentric enough that they'd belong to a clan. their appearance, he usually has his eyes closed like ranpo from bsd (but can still see), and sometimes opens their eyes in moments of shock or seriousness or something something (they have golden eyes)

also they have white hair.

they're portrayed with tan skin cause i have tan skin (reinen was originally meant to be like an oc for me the creator instead of making it look like me like i had before. but then it became something entirely different lmfao. reinens not an author insert because they're nothing like me hehe) but i honestly dont care what color skin they have? i dont even mention appearances half the time cause i always forget to write it

naruto-sasuke-reinen

i know sakura gets bashed on a lot (and i adore bamf sakura) and seen as the weak link or 'civilian' but hgiuf

or maybe. reinens a hatake (Hatake Rei). younger then kakashi but maybe as a assistant sensei for team 7???

naruto vocal tics (is tics the right word?)

Kakashi: maa maa (well well)

Naruto: Dattebayo! (Y'know! or Believe it!)

Kushina: Dattebane? (Yeah?)

Sasuke: hnn. (hnn.)

I'm realizing I write 'yo' a lot as a greeting

alternatively is ciao, which might be because they're first introduced in khr. as someone with mafia ties. italian. yknow.

so now i just. kind of connect reinen with italian.. ;-;

reinen being more lean and flexible? graceful in a sense. i always think of them as a performer.

although. really good at T&I? well it's less torture and more on the interrogation aspect. leaning more towards.. kunoichi aspects. i think. (they're androgynous. think epel felmier from twisted wonderland because its pretty close in appearance actually) seduction probably. (where kakashi hides his appearance, reinen flaunts it probably [kakashi pointy hair, reinen curled hair]) scarily good at acting

conflict conflict like: kakashi: you shouldve been their sensei. reinen: no-- what?? kakashi: you're better. reinen: that's not… listen. they need you. i can help them on other aspects, but im not nearly as good at being on the frontlines. your team to me looks like they'll be a bunch of heavy hitters, and i cant do that. im not good at rushing in, that's not my fighting style. i get that you feel like you're broken, that you feel like you're going to ruin them. but listen. If you don't believe me on anything else, believe me on this. It's not about you. It's about your kids. So what if you 'don't deserve them' or 'you'll get them killed'? They don't have anyone else to turn to! And you know I'm busy with other responsibilities. I can't take over your job as sensei, because that's not my job. You were assigned that job and you better do it, or I swear Kakashi. What are you going to do when they die because you didn't bother to train them properly? 'You don't know how'? You have so many people you have connections to that would be willing to help if you just ask! I know Gai's had a team for a year, he'd be overjoyed to help. Or you could at least pull a few favors, I know you have a bunch of those to get other people to train them, but you can't just leave them in the deep end. That's the thing about responsibility over people. You don't do something, other people suffer. So get it together. you don't need to be perfect

Dammit, Kakashi, those kids love you already. They adore you! They don't need you to be the best, they just need you to be there. Okay? And. Maybe this is cruel. But you're not dead. They don't need you anymore. You know who does? The living people around you. That are breathing and moving. I get that maybe you won't ever feel over it, not really, but you can't prioritize them over the living. I think you should be there more often, okay? Let them know that you're first priority will always be them, not whatever they think you're doing while you're running late and still not appearing. Let them know they can trust you to be there for them. And if you can't, let them know. Indra knows those kids need an adult in their life they can trust.

(i cant find any naruto swears in place of stuff. in some uchiha-centered fics they use like Amaterasu! or Indra, i think, although im not sure how reinen would know it. but shut up i dont know of a person and i dont think god is valid here. …that is an oddly funny part. 'i don't think god is valid here'. hehehe..)

They need someone in their corner. You can be that person. Sakura has civilian parents, they wouldn't be able to understand her and she'd have no one to vent to. Maybe she'll go to you or me, we can't force her, but what we can do is make it clear she has an option. That she doesn't have to keep it inside, and that we have a lending ear for her. I can't be that alone because I won't always be free for them. I'm not their sensei, I can't excuse myself from work for them, but you can. I can't do it all for you.

Naruto has never actually had someone who'd be there for him, who'd listen, and maybe even do anything for him. I don't think he even knows it's a thing that people usually do for those they care about! Sure, there's Iruka-san but he also has responsibilities over other children, and honestly probably overworked.

The Sandaime? The hokage is meant to be unbiased.

He can't just take a break to care about some orphan nobody likes. He doesn't even stop by that often, no matter how much he probably wants to. Naruto can't rely on him to be on his side all the time.

You can be there.

Sasuke's lost in grief and anger. He hasn't had anyone to talk it through, to actually move past it. Everyone had been too worried about catching a rogue jounin, not about how traumatized a harmless little kid might've been.

…

he was left with the consequences alone. you know how that feels. remember? good ol dad was too disgraced, nobody wanted to clean the compound. you had to do it. scrubbing it off the floors.

wanna bet sasuke had to do the same? or maybe there were cleaners, but whose to say they didn't miss a spot or two? is it any better, in a place that was once filled with people, to be entirely empty? we moved for a reason sasuke deserves the same.

help him. i was too young, you did all the work then in finding somewhere else. if not opening up our home to him, then you could at least help him in the process. make it easier.

------------

wow thats long

[alycosworld]

[hey its me from the nonbinary reader x scaramouche fic request] just letting uk I’m sorry if i requested in the wrong place. new to tumblr and I’m using the website

And You Are Loved

Scaramouche X Reader

A/N: ah!! dont worry about it, you did fine! Tumblr did a thing and I lost the original request, but it was a scaramouche x non-binary reader story with the reader being purposely misgendered by their friends if I recall correctly. This is being written while im on a roadtrip so excuse any typos, im on my phone and my friend is notorious for being a slightly reckless (but definitely law-abiding) driver.

I'm so sorry that your friend has misgendered you, dearest anon, and I hope you're feeling better about it now or I hope that this story comforts you, at least a little. I am always happy to talk to my readers, so if you're comfortable with it, please message me! I'd be happy to listen. I won't ask for your name or any specifics about your situation unless you want to tell me - but there's also no pressure to talk to me at all :)) that goes for everyone reading this.

anyways, sorry for the long a/n. enjoy the story! thank you for reading!

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

You trudged home with a miserable look on your face, kicking off your shoes and slumping on the couch as soon as you opened the door, allowing it to slam shut behind you and not caring about the loud sound it made.

Your friends know not to. There's no way they don't know. They know it's upsetting and annoying to be misgendered. You are a proud, beautiful, non-binary person. So why would they disregard that? They know your pronouns, so why would they call you anything else?

You sat, still and questioning different things, but it just made your sorrow increase exponentially. Why would your friends-- better, your former friends, do that? All this time, you've been there for them, supporting them in any and every single one of their choices. But when you do something, they disrespect you.

If it was a mistake, maybe you would've forgiven them, as long as it wasn't a continuous thing. But this wasn't a mistake - this was purposeful. And you did nothing to deserve that.

In a flurry of rage and gloom, you began to pace around the living room, silently mumbling to yourself and questioning the people who were supposed to respect your identity.

Your boyfriend had been at work, probably ordering around helpless Fatui recruits or affectionately belittling the Eleventh Fatui Harbinger, since they had quite the love-hate relationship. He decided to surprise you by coming home a little early, but when he arrive to see you crying and curled up in your shared bed, he knew something was wrong.

"Love?" He called out, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Hm? What?" You scrambled to look presentable, sitting up and wiping furiously at your tear-stained face.

"Oh, hey Scar. How was--"

"What happened?" You froze at his words, not knowing if he would think you were being too sensitive if you told him what had happened.

"Katheryne gave me this one commission--"

"I meant why are you crying." He said, and although his tone was harsh and cold, his hand that came up to cup your cheek was gentle and warm as he leaned closer to you and examined your face.

"Oh, that? Ha, it's nothing, I promise." You smiled weakly.

"If it was nothing, why are you crying?" Scaramouche asked, and the concern in his voice and eyes made you cave.

"Well, I...I was out and I ran into some friends. I-I don't even know what we were talking about but they got kinda hostile and misgendered me. On purpose. It's stupid, really--"

"What are their names? Where do they live?" Scaramouche asked menacingly. Your eyes widened as you realised what he would do if you answered those questions, but you just chuckled instead.

"I'll tell you if you promise to not use violence against them." You smiled.

"Well, now you can't tell me." Scaramouche grumbled, making you laugh again. He sighed seeing that you still weren't completely happy, and rightfully so.

"The whole point of communication is to get a reaction or an answer out of someone. If the person wants a negative reaction, you can undermine that by virtually not caring." Scaramouche said, confusing you. But you let him continue, knowing he was getting at something.

"Your friends may have purposely misgendered you to hurt you, but why should anything they say have an impact on you? You know who are you, don't you?" Scaramouche asked.

"Yeah..."

"And I know who you are. I know your pronouns and I would never purposely refer to you as anything other than what you want to be called. Anyone who actually matters to you recognises and respects your identity. Everyone else is irrelevant." He shrugged, looking nonchalant about his own words but knowing that they've impacted you.

And he was right, wasn't he? You knew who you were. People you cared about and people that cared about you knew who you were. Your friends misgendered you to get under your skin or disregard you, and while it was perfectly valid for you to feel hurt about that, there was also no reason to let their words mean anything at all.

Although Scaramouche hadn't said that many words, they weighed on your mind.

And eventually, the waterworks started again, and you wrapped your arms around Scaramouche, letting everything.

"Thank you. You're the best!" You smiled.

"I am aware, Love."

"Shut up!" You playfully hit Scaramouche's chest before he pulled you into a gentle and passionate kiss.

You stayed like that for a while, just basking in each other's embrace, but eventually, you both fell asleep. Scaramouche woke up earlier than you and made four favourite for dinner, and as soon as you awoke you were treated like royalty. He may have been a horrible cook, but you appreciated the effort and the way he made you feel just as respected and honoured as anyone else.

Scaramouche, through his few words and little acts of service, made you realise that you are a proud, beautiful, strong, capable, badass non-binary person. Your identity is valid, you know who you are no matter what people say...

And you are loved.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

A/N: ik the ending was cheesy but I didn't know how else to end it. Initially I didn't like it but I think it's okay now.

I hope the story provided some comfort to you, anon, and I hope you're feeling better now! Again, I'm here to talk anytime :)))

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!

[oni-tengu]

DONT REBLOG

ive basically had my ask box open for months so feel free to send requests but i got a booster today & my shit hurted (arm is sore) so im gonna chill tonight maybe. idk.

aaaaanyway, status aside, i just. man. those asks this morning LMAO ive had to just say shit before (ie getting inc*st shippers in my notifs) & clarify im not down with this shit, so.

i just need to talk, and if you disagree with the following, have any issues at all, question the legitimacy of things listed below, just do me a favor & block. i wont be responding to any potential distaste for anything i talk about, but here's some shit i am against and feel vital to clarify. so you know where i lie and that this blog has no space for awful things, its become unfortunately very important to state certain....things. long post

cw / tw for mature topics in mention (AGAINST the following) : p*dophilia inc*st gr**ming

firstly, the topic of inc*st. hard no, this ALSO goes for anything involving minors in any sexual context, minors with adults in an unreasonable age gap (lets just say the limit is 18 y/o with a 20 y/o as acceptable and i generally avoid thinking about people under 20 anyhow bc im 23 and ive lost relatability with people that much younger than me)

why? the idea that fiction does not affect reality is just something i dont agree with. fiction needs criticism, yes, but having things portraying p*do and inc*st in a sexually gratifying light contributes to brainwashing & grooming, and ive seen it firsthand because i was on homestuck tumblr in 2012 when i was 13 years old and it was NORMALIZED. it was a case of community grooming and it FUCKING WORKED. i feel grateful that i was able to see past it when i got older but it was DANGEROUS and theres a plethora of horror stories of kids at cons & meetups being actively groomed and put into harmful situations in real life. this is just a fact, this all happened, i witnessed it firsthand, and i have friends that were right there with me.

placing the blame on minors and victims is not the response anyone should have. saying to "think critically" about the media a person consumes when someone is being actively harmed by the topics above, is harmful in itself. it is not on the victims to "know better" when they are being groomed, just because it seems easy for others, when this is an active, real life issue. and honestly, fuck you so hard if you disagree with that, or that its not even "real"

i truly have such a hard time believing that people honestly defend literal fucking p*dophilia online under the guise of "its harmless fiction". i think people who agree with that are perpetrating this propaganda, brainwashing, and the minors who think its okay HAVE been brainwashed and they dont even know it. they vehemently defend it, and most people in the REAL WORLD would be horrified and disgusted by this, even afraid for these teens and preteens. i certainly am!

moving on to the next point of discussion, i think sexualities and genders should be respected! youd think this is an obvious one, but hey look, last night someone wanted me to draw dirk strider in a romantic ship with a woman. this goes for fiction and real life, sexuality and gender matter & should be respected. ill be honest, theres some microlabels and identities i dont always understand, but people finding comfort in things, figuring stuff out, its usually just something you should let be, and i try to. i dont believe harassment is the answer & i'd go out of my way to defend someone with an identity i dont understand, if theyre being bullied! as long as youre not being offensive or harmful, this is a safe area for yall

i.e. trans men are men, trans women are women. i've had my own identity questioned since i identify with being nonbinary/agender and a lesbian at the same time, and to me and many others in the community, this makes sense, but to others it clearly does not. as long as youre not encroaching on communities that are not for you, your identity should be respected, and i am determined to reflect that in my creations as well.

to wrap this up, hoping i got the more "controversial" things out of the way, i want to point out that there are nuances to every social topic. i was not born with knowledge of all things, and every year im learning about stereotypes ive never heard of, history that belongs to communities im not a part of! so, i want to say that if im unconsciously adding to or portraying some offensive thing, itd be important to me to be made aware. morals & empathy are two things i care about very deeply and if theres something i should know, then i'd at least LIKE to know.

if theres another social topic that matters to you enough that you want to know where i stand so you can feel comfortable in who you follow, i'd be open to questions. but to reiterate: any bullshit about disagreeing with me, any hate, etc will not be responded to & will be met with a VERY adorable block (: so cute when that block button is utilized. feel free to use it tbh

so. there we are. showing my whole ass here. morality matters and im sticking to my guns

TL:DR

i hate inc*st and p*dophilia, fiction affects reality, non harmful identities should be respected, tell me if i fuck up.

[drdemonprince]

at furfest i overheard someone in the elevator say "I am such a bottom that I'll top if somebody wants me to!" and it was very funny but it also send me down a wormhole because i realized i was the opposite. i'm such a bottom that i will make someone top. / im such a top that i will only bottom.

making someone else do all the fucking work (for once, i say internally with misdirected resentment) is where i locate all of my power. but also. sex just. doesn't mean anything to me by itself.

i've had a few experiences recently that have particularly crushed my desire to be sexually active with anyone else -- a gonorrhea shot, a few painful outbreaks of various things, a few awful fumbling encounters where people i was in no way attracted to who tried to convince me that i must be attracted to them, reading a book that was triggering of youthful sexual trauma experiences (but in a way that i think was ultimately very useful for me to feel, it made me reexamine a lot), and a profound surge of the old bilateral dysphoria that told me very clearly i needed to stop trying to be some kind of man that i am not. that and ive also fucked my way all over town and gotten a lot of it out of my system.

things will come around again in their own way. but damn. ive really only ever seen the actual sex thing itself as a means to an end, havent i. a way to brush up against a power exchange. a chance to stop being me. a route toward an escapist headspace. an evocation of a memory of something intense that happened in the past. validation of my identity. or of my desirability. a way to study and observe how people behave. a chance to pretend to be somebody new. a different way to watch myself watching myself. an opportunity to dissociate not alone.

ive had some explosively good times. but it's been a long time since it hasn't been profoundly disappointing. ive blown up my life for the pursuit of sex before and i dont regret it. but it also feels like a relief now to no longer believe that it will ever do anything specific for me other than be what it is. sex was never going to free me of responsibility, eliminate my dysphoria, soothe my anxieties, make me feel loved and cherished, prove my worth, make me feel embodied, help me belong anywhere, grant me some great realization, make me normal, make me feel. it was only ever going to be just, sex. take it or lose it. if i'm going to do it, it should be for its own merits.

it feels like i am floating along on some other wavelength, miles away from most everybody else. but i can still see them diving and darting around and i can appreciate watching it through the layers of water.

its so interesting. everything comes back eventually. it all moves in cycles and returns to you. i feel very connected to younger versions of myself that spent a lot of time in solitude. im having some kind of nonbinary asexual hermit renaissance. but this time i get to choose it and can dive in and out of it as needed instead of being trapped by it, the way i was back when i was younger and hadn't tried as much.

ohh wait i get it i get it. some people are willing to top even if they're constitutionally more of a bottom because they like sex. some people will service top for all kinds of sexual acts regardless of whether they're specifically into that act because they just like sex and they like the person. just like. on its own merits. they're happy sex is happening and they get to be a part of it with someone they like. it's like. worth the effort to them. they're not just acquiescing to a role simply for the validation of making someone else happy. they're not resentful or begrudging about it. they think sex is fun just by itself or they're innately attracted to the person enough that having sex with that person is itself pleasurable regardless. and they're having a good time.

[reidgraygubler]

sunflowers, daisies, lilacs, dahlias (spencer reid/reader)

Title: sunflowers, daisies, lilacs, dahlias

Requested: yes, was a request someone sent to @imagining-in-the-margins​, but I took it of her hands :) (So i get this is sorta hard to do but i was wondering if you could write a spencer x nonbinary (gender-neutral pronouns) reader where reader isn’t out to the team yet but spencer finds out somehow and the reader is afraid he’ll reject them but instead he confesses his feelings and just starts info dumping about third genders in other cultures and the roots of binary america, etc. just like fluffy and accepting. once again, i get it if you don’t want to/can’t but that would be awesome)

Couple: spencer reid/non-binary!reader (they/them pronouns)

Category: fluff

Content Warning: swearing (if any), misgendering, usual criminal minds case work stuff, bi!spencer, lgbt+ history lesson, platonic cuddling (or is it?), kissing (not platonic), Doctor Who season 12 spoilers (weird, I know), afab!reader

Word Count: 4,110

Summary: reader comes out as non-binary to their best friend, Spencer, after they notice he changes the pronouns he uses to talk about them and after the team misgenders them.

A/N: pom (aka @imagining-in-the-margins​) posted this in her discord and said if someone had any ideas for this, we could have it. and i loved the request so i took it off her hands. im also non-binary and only out to a few friends, so this piece is dear to my heart. also, i wrote reader as afab, since that’s also me, but also the request says that reader isn’t out to the team yet, and i had to give reader a gender. so im sorry about that. that’s where the mis-gendering comes in. spencer’s nickname for reader is bumblebee when they’re friends, but once they start dating it’s honeybee… bc reader is…  enbee… thank you all so much for the support! i really do appreciate it. check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

It was a new day at work. A new day, a new me… Kinda, not really. It’s still old me. I’m just trying to figure out the new me. I think that makes sense. It makes sense to me, so that’s all that matters, I think.

Maybe today was the day I came out to the team as Non-Binary. That’d probably help my feeling of garbage. Not even my own family knew about my little secret. So that’s been something I’ve seriously been thinking about, telling everyone that I was Non-binary and preferred they/them pronouns. 

I kept my head low as I stepped off the elevator and onto the floor of the BAU. The good news is, people weren’t rushing around like I was partly expecting them to be. The bad news is, when I got to my desk, there was a stack of files, waiting to be looked over. And the unfortunate part was, I wouldn’t get to get through half of them, because something told me there was a current case we had to go on. 

That something being Emily Prentiss standing outside her office, looking for everyone on the team. I looked up at her with a pout as she nodded towards the conference room. I looked back at the stack of files before grabbing my go bag and going up to the conference room.

Everyone was already there, waiting for me. Although, I was usually late, in a sensible fashion. So I quickly took my seat beside Spencer and remained quiet as Penelope and Emily told us about the case.

{***}{***}{***}

“We can go to the most recent victim’s house, interview the siblings,” Spencer spoke up as we both walked up to Emily. I looked up at him and nodded, silently agreeing that I could go with. It’s not like I had anything better to do anyways. Tara and Luke were at the newest crime scene. David and Matt were with the ME. And Emily was about to go interrogate the suspect. So, going with Spencer would give me something to do. 

“She’ll have to conduct the interview,” Emily looked up from the file she was reading and right at me. I looked down, away from anyone who was possibly looking at me. Getting mis-gendered was something I was used to, by now anyways. But, for some reason, this time it really bothered me. Emily doesn’t know, it’s fine. It’s mostly my fault anyways. And, I guess it bothered Spencer too, because the expression on his face shifted from normal to… annoyed.

“Of course, they can do the interview. They’re the most like the victim,” Spencer looked at Emily before looking back at me. I looked at him and smiled softly. It was more of a nervous smile than anything else. A change, and correction, in pronoun… I hadn’t exactly told anyone that I preferred different pronouns, I had honestly gotten used to the unfortunate misgendering.

“I can do it, I’m perfectly capable of it,” I smiled at Spencer then over at Emily. So much for a change.

“Then that’s settled, she’ll do it,” Emily looked up at Spencer and smiled before allowing us to leave. I dropped my shoulders as I glanced at Spencer, who was glaring daggers at Emily. He wasn’t usually one to glare at his superiors, especially Emily. 

“We should get going, don’t you think,” I whispered as I looked up at Spencer. He finally looked down at me and nodded. “And, you can do the interview, if you want. I get that I’m a lot like the victim’s sister. But, you do interviews better than me,” I laughed and shook my head. 

“We can do it together. That’s the only way you can get better at interviewing,” he returned the laughter before following beside me. 

“That’s true,” I smiled at him. 

{***}{***}{***}

“I know we always do this, but thanks for letting me stay the night after hard cases,” I looked over at Spencer as he got in his car. I readjusted the grip on my bag as I looked away from Spencer.

“Of course, sleeping over at someone’s house after a case makes it easier to relax, especially after hard cases,” he looked over at me with a smile, “We can order Chinese food if you want,”  he added as he looked back at the road.  

“Yeah, I think I’d like that,” I nodded with a smile. Sometime between solving the last case, and the jet landing I gained the courage to bring up what happened before the interview. You know, the whole they/them thing… With Spencer. I still don’t know how he knew to change my pronouns. 

He was talking about something, it sounded like an episode of Doctor Who.  I sort of felt bad about that too, because I was hardly listening. I was one of the only few people who actually watched Doctor Who with him, and thoroughly enjoyed his commentary. 

“And then the Doctor, who, have I mentioned is a woman now, is in fact the Timeless Child. Did you know that?” He glanced at me as he went on. Again, I felt bad because I wasn’t totally paying attention. “Of course you knew that, we watched the episode together,” he continued to ramble about the episode.

“Spencer,” I spoke, my voice just loud enough for him to hear.

“Mhm, what?” he glanced over at me for a quick second. I looked at him, my mouth opening and closing a few times before actually saying what I was thinking. Which was...

“How did you know?” I asked, my voice a bit of a whisper. I was a little bit scared. How did he know? Sure, Spencer knows everything. But I’m not exactly… Out to the team, let alone Spencer. I don’t think I told him. 

“How did I know what, Bumblebee?” Spencer glanced over at me for a brief second. I sighed deeply as I looked over at him. 

“You used 'they'… When you and Emily were talking about me and the interrogation… You used 'they' and 'them' when you talked about me… How’d you know? I haven’t told anyone…” I whispered as I looked over at him. He stayed silent for a long time. I wasn’t too sure what he was thinking, but it made me very nervous. 

“I saw you at the library with a book about gender/sexuality history and science… And I saw you looking at a non-binary/gender non-conforming forum the other day. So, I connected the dots,” Spencer looked over at me as he pulled to a stop at the red light. I swallowed roughly as I looked at him. “I didn’t mean to off-”

“You didn’t offend me, Spence,” I whispered and shook my head before dropping my gaze from him. My fingers fiddled with the seatbelt across my lap. I could feel my heart going a million miles an hour, and no matter how hard I tried to calm it… nothing worked. “I just… I haven’t used the words out loud before… I’ve haven't told anyone… I mean, I’ve just figured it out myself,” I shrugged again. I glanced at him as he started going again. “I’ve always known I didn’t really identify as… Ya know… And I guess just recently I finally put a name to it,” I sighed as I pressed my head into the headrest. Spencer glanced at me, again. He was obviously trying to keep his eyes on the road, but he was very concerned about our conversation.

“You’ve never said it out loud? Or told anyone?” He asked, clarifying what I had just said. I swallowed roughly and nodded.

“Yeah, I just…” I stopped, letting my words trail off. My thoughts ran wild. If I just said that I was non-binary, it’d make my life easier, I’d be so much happier. So, why haven’t I just come out and said it? “So, say it now. It’s just me,” Spencer whispered as he looked over at me for the briefest second. My heart stopped with his words, and suddenly my mind was quiet. “No one else to hear."

“What?” I spoke, my voice a breathless whisper. I looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. 

“Only if you want to. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Spencer’s voice was soft as he spoke. I looked over at him, feeling my stomach do an anxious flip.

“What if it changes the way you think about me?” I asked, feeling my throat tighten up around the words. Out of all of the friends that I had, Spencer was the only one I didn’t want to lose. In a weird way, I felt like he understood me. Like we were both the outcasts of the team, for our different reasons. 

“Why would that change the way I think of you?” Spencer looked up at me and I shrugged. I stared at him, feeling my face twist up in confusion. Even his face had some confusion on it. 

“I don’t know. People usually…” My words trailed off again, not knowing what I was exactly wanting to say to him. “You’re not mad at me? Or hate me or anything…? Right…?” I asked, my voice wavering slightly in fear. Fear of what? I was scared he would resent me. It wouldn’t have been the first, or last, time someone resented me. So, why would I expect him to not resent me? 

“Why would I hate you? Because you’re finally more comfortable with yourself? Or want to be more comfortable with yourself?” Spencer looked at me as he furrowed his brows. I looked down at my lap and shrugged. “You still haven’t said it, but we’re talking about it like you did,” he pointed out. I dropped my shoulders as I looked over at him. 

“You really want me to say it,” I laughed dryly. Spencer smiled at me and shrugged.

“Only if you want to. Just think about how much better you’ll feel,” he offered. I looked down at my lap and sighed.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” I looked back up at him and smiled, “I’m non-binary.” I could feel a certain weight get lifted off my shoulders as I looked at him. Spencer also had a genuine smile on his lips as he looked at me. Like, he also seemed happy with my words.

 “There’s nothing wrong with that, you know,” Spencer smiled at me as he pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building. I glanced at him before laughing. “I’m being serious,” he chuckled lightly.

“I sure hope there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re the one who encouraged me to say it!” I laughed as I unbuckled. Spencer returned the laughter before looking over at me.

“Then, why do you care what the team thinks?” Spencer asked as he searched for his apartment keys. “Their opinion shouldn’t matter. It’s your life,” he shrugged and looked up at me once he finally found his keys.  

“Everyone on the team is all my friends and all my family…” I whispered as I looked over at him, “I don’t know what everyone will think,” I knew he wanted me to say it out loud to the team, but I was avoiding it. It’s not that I’m not ready. I just don’t want him to think differently of me.

“When has anyone on the team thought bad of you, Bumblebee?” Spencer asked again before parking the car. I swallowed roughly and looked back down at my lap. Of course, when I actually cut my hair short the first time… I had gotten a horrible haircut and everyone commented on it. “No one’s going to think anything bad about you if you come out,” he reassured. I sighed deeply as I looked towards the ground.

“Yeah, but I don’t care about them Spencer,” I rolled my eyes. I rolled my eyes because even though I do care what the team thinks, I think I care more about what Spencer thinks about me. But, I didn’t want to tell him that.

“Then, why were you so worried about it,” Spencer looked over at me before getting out of the car. I stayed in the car for a moment, silent with my thoughts. He’s got a point though. Why was I so worried about it? Of course, the team was my family. I don’t think I could risk losing the team for being… well, me. Maybe Spencer was right. Who am I kidding? Spencer’s always right. About everything. Maybe I should just tell the team… I’d feel a lot better.

I stayed quiet as we walked into the apartment building. In fact, we were both silent. Which was a rarity in our friendship; one of us was always talking, and it was always Spencer. He always had something to say. I wondered what he was thinking about in that head of his. Until I didn’t have to wonder...

“Native American people have a third gender, generally called two-spirit, where the person takes on roles more or less attributed to the opposite sex or both sexes,” Spencer suddenly started an info dump. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I read this exact thing in a book not too long ago. But, it meant so much to me that he wanted to tell me this.

“When europeans came along, they came with the strict gender binary rooted in Puritism, which put heavy emphasis on community and the importance of procreational (heterosexual) marriage within,” he paused to glance at me, probably to make sure I was still listening. And I was. There would be nothing to stop me from listening to him. 

 “Once the colonizers became a country after the american revolution, they wanted to get as far away from britain as possible. Part of this came with separating themselves from the effeminate man of Britain, whom they saw as feminine and dainty. As a result, they made the American Man, who is basically Teddy Roosevelt in that he is rugged, bold, strong, brutish, daring, and able to survive on the frontier and provide for his family,” he continued as he unlocked the door to his apartment. It was nice to be in a familiar place that felt like home, and felt safe.

“In comparison, the woman was supposed to be the American Housewife who stayed at home, cooked the meals, and raised the children. Thus, the American binary,” Spencer continued his info dump, clearly not knowing he was talking outloud. 

I just stared at Spencer with the utmost adoration in my eyes and face. A small smile grew on my lips as he continued to ramble and info dump about stuff I was newly introduced to. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him sooner, I’m sure he would have been a big help. “That’s very interesting, Spencer,” I smiled at him and cocked my head to my shoulder. Spencer looked at me, a slight panicked look in his eye. 

“I’m… I’m sorry, was I rambling?” He stopped talking and looked at me after a moment of him talking. I shook my head, silently telling him he wasn’t rambling, even though he totally was. At this point we had parted ways, but still held the conversation between rooms, and across his apartment, him being in the kitchen while I stayed in the living room.

“Anyways… I could continue going on about it all. How WW2 influenced the LGBT community and how Nuclear Families messed it all up too,” he spoke before stepping out of the kitchen and leading me to his bedroom. 

“I’m sorry, what?” I looked back at him with furrowed eyebrows. I was honestly surprised with that tiny tidbit of information. “Go on,” I raised a brow as I looked at him. I got comfortable on the bed while I waited for him.

“Yeah! The advent of urban areas provided the perfect place for sexuality and gender identity expression,” he continued talking as he stepped into the bathroom to change, and even continued while in the bathroom, “Many single people suddenly began moving from rural farms with family and religion to urban apartments on their own or with someone of the same identity/gender/sex,” he finally concluded before stepping out of the bathroom. I looked at him and cocked my head to my shoulder. I didn’t have anything to say after he rambled on, so we both stayed silent as we got comfortable in bed. 

“How do you know so much about gender identity and the LGBT community?” I asked, turning to face him more. Spencer looked at me with a nervous smile before looking out to the blanket spread out over us. 

“Oh, I, uh… I did a lot of research when I saw you in the library… And, after I saw you on the forum,” Spencer looked at me and nodded. I could sense that he was lying, and he knew that I could sense it. So, I raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sure this is the exact reason,” I smiled before shifting down the bed to get comfortable, “No other reason?” I looked up at him. 

“Nope, no other reason,” he looked down at his book before shaking his head. I could tell there was definitely something, and I could tell he wanted to tell me. But, I won’t force it out of him, just like how he didn’t force it out of me.

“Well, if you have something to tell me… I won’t force it outta you,” I looked over at him with a smile. Spencer glanced at me before grabbing for a book on his nightstand. I shifted down the bed and looked at my phone. “No one’s going to think anything bad about you,” I glanced at him again, repeating the exact things he said to me early in the evening. Spencer glared at me before looking back in his book.

“You’re the worst,” 

“You’re worse than me, Spence,” I laughed as I looked at my phone. I grinned as I browsed random social media. “It’s okay, I get it,” I shrugged before falling silent. 

“I suppose it’s only fair,” he spoke out loud after a moment of silence. I looked up at him, watching as he shifted in his seat. He closed his book before looking down at me, “I guess I’ve been in the same boat as you for a while… Not knowing what anyone would think if I came out, fearing that they’d hate me or judge me,”

“Spencer, you’re the most loved person on the team. No one would ever hate you or judge you,” I sat up before turning to look at him. Spencer looked up at me and nodded. I’m glad we could both agree on that. If anyone hated Spencer Reid, I can guarantee that they’d have a whole fleet of FBI agents on their ass. “You can trust me with anything, Spencer,” I whispered before reaching out for his hands. He looked down at where our hands sat before cocking his head to the side.

“I already trust you more than anyone on the team,” he smiled and chuckled with a nod, “I’ve never told anyone except for one person,” he whispered as he looked up at me.

“That’s okay,” I shrugged as I looked at him. 

“I’m bisexual,” he whispered, his eyes dropping away from my. I stared at him, taking a deep breath. A small smile tugged on the corner of my lips as a worried look grew on Spencer’s. 

“Was that so bad?” I whispered as I fell forward to give him a hug. Spencer laughed as he embraced me. “It felt good, didn’t it?” I backed away from him slightly. Spencer smiled and nodded.

“Like a weight off my shoulders,” he laughed as he looked back at me, “Thanks for that,”

“No, thank you, Spencer, I really needed you and your wonderful words of wisdom… I’ve been struggling with my sexuality a lot, ever since I was a teen really, and you just being there helped,” I smiled at him as I got comfortable in the bed. With that, we fell into a comfortable silence. Sleep wouldn’t find its way to us anytime soon. I think we were both still reeling on the adrenaline of the day. 

But then, I started thinking about our conversation in the car. When I had mentioned I was worried about him (or anyone else) thinking differently of me. I mean, that’s been a fear of mine for years. Someone can go from loving you to the ends of the earth to wanting to be on the furthest end of the earth just to be away from you. So, my fear was totally valid. I didn’t want to lose my friendship with Spencer, or anyone on the team.  

I quickly glanced at Spencer, noting that he was still quietly reading his book. He seemed at total peace with, well, everything. How did he do it? How did he get out of his head after a rough case, and after such a serious conversation? There were too many things I wanted to know, and too many questions I wanted to ask… Why not just ask them?

So, I did...

“Earlier, when you said me being non-binary wouldn’t change the way you think of me… How do…” I paused for a minute, trying to figure my next set of words. Because I could say something wrong, and it’d be the end of everything. “What do you think of me?” I looked up at him as I spoke. He smiled softly and nodded. It was probably a mistake, asking him what his thoughts were on me. I could only think of the worst. Well, I shouldn’t say the worst possible. Worst case scenario was that he was faking it all and he actually hated me. Well, don’t be too hard on yourself.  

“Well, you know,” Spencer shrugged as he shifted closer to me. I looked up at him before leaning away from him. 

“No, I don’t think I do know,” I stared at him, furrowing my eyebrows. He looked at me, dropping his book to his lap and slumping his shoulders slightly. 

“I love you… Okay? I love you whether you’re they/them, she/her, he/him, I don’t care, as long as you’re happy. If you’re happy, then I’m happy, because that’s all that matters to me. Your happiness,” he rambled for a minute. I just stared at him, feeling my shoulders relax as he spoke. My heart rate raised as he continued to talk about how he really felt about me, and I wished he said something sooner… “Hearing Emily misgendering you, and knowing what was going through your head… Sucked… It sucked watching! You deserve the best things…” He continued on, not caring that he was still rambling.

“Spencer,” I whispered, resting a hand on his shoulder to gain his attention. 

“And it’s ridiculous how long I’ve been in love with you too! I should have said something sooner but I didn’t! I don-”

“Spencer!” I shouted this time. It wasn’t an angry shout, though. No, the giggles in my voice and joyful smile on my lips told a different story. And that seemed to get his attention, considering he stopped talking and looked at me. His eyes scanned my face, landing on the joyous smile on my lips. 

“Yes?” He asked softly. I nearly fell into his body, and face, as I let my excitement get the better of me as I tried to kiss him. Spencer laughed as he lifted his hands to my shoulders to make sure I didn’t crash into him.

“I love you too,” I smiled as I looked up at his face. His eyes landed back on my face, his smile becoming soft as he looked at me. The expression his face held showed me that I was now his everything. And, it was a new feeling. I would never get used to a feeling so… grand. But, it was a feeling that I loved, and knew it’d be around for a long time. “What do you think the team will say?” I asked, looking at Spencer as he cupped my face in his hands. 

“About what, Honeybee?” he retorted, his voice a soft whisper. 

“About us, you and me being, well, you and me,” I tried to bite back my smile but failed when Spencer smiled back.

“Who cares what they think… I just care about you,” he smiled before pulling me back in for another kiss. 

“I think I like that answer." 

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