#i should maybe change that tag since it implies this Is a fic . (not yet) and not just me talking OF fic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nessinborderland · 2 years ago

Text

Akamegami (03)

Pairing: Chishiya x Reader

Genre: Dark fic, Angst, NSFW

Words: 5,1k

Summary: You are happy to live at Akamegami island. A roof over your head, a tight community to back you up, and a righteous leader to guide you through the right path. But can you follow the destiny that was traced for you?

Warnings ⚠️ Alternate Universe, Cults, Cult Leader! Chishiya, Brainwashing, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Sexual Content, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Arranged Marriage, Forced Marriage, Dubious Consent, Loss of Virginity, Forced Pregnancy, Lies, Gaslighting, Dark Themes, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Religious Cults, Manipulation, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Age Difference, Aged-Up Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Notes: I never thought I would come back to this fic, however, a very nice comment changed that! Remember folks, commenting on fics is what gets writers to update a fic for the first time in over a year. Also, Happy New Year!! May 2023 be everything you desire and more <33

Masterlist | Part 1 | AO3

You couldn’t sleep. It was close to impossible with everything that was going on in your life. You couldn’t stop thinking about what your future would entail or replay what had happened at dinner.

It was now official; you were to become Cheshire’s wife.

You turned around for the tenth time in your futon, now facing Shibuki as she slept right next to you, her breathing tickling your neck. You were glad she was there for you; you weren’t sure what you would do without her support.

You had completely forgotten about her during the announcement at dinner, so busy trying to keep your composure while accepting everyone’s blessings. Only later would your eyes lock, and that’s when you couldn’t take it anymore. So, you had ignored everyone’s calls and shouts of surprise as you ran to your shared bedroom – the only place you considered yourself to be safe from all that unwanted attention. The only place where you wouldn’t have to control your emotions for the sake of appearances.

Shibuki had come into the room not long after, catching you crying your heart out on the floor. No words were shared between you as she held you while you sobbed against her chest. You couldn’t thank her enough for that. Your only support right now was your best friend, since your mother was gone.

You were so scared and felt so powerless over your own life. You knew you should be happy by this union blessed by the Goddess Herself, but it was hard to feel that way when none of this was what you had dreamed about. What even were your dreams for the future? You hadn’t been sure in a long time, your life consumed by your mother and community. Now, however? You realized that what you wanted never even mattered. Not when you were part of something much bigger.

You took a deep shaky breath as you tried not to erupt into tears yet again. You wondered if you even had more tears to cry; that was all you had been doing since your mother’s death.

You imagined how different things would be if she was still alive; maybe you wouldn’t be marrying anyone at all. Even if you were, she would be there to support you through it, you were sure of it. She would hug you while you cried, whispering that everything would be okay because she would never leave your side.

You shook your head at the thought; she wasn’t with you anymore. Not as you wanted her to be.

You carefully sat up, trying not to disturb Shibuki as you very slowly dragged yourself out of the futon and away from her arms. You cringed from how cold your bedroom was, glad that at least the tatami mat under your naked feet wasn’t freezing. You palmed your way to the window, slowly opening the curtain as much as necessary for a faint ray of moonlight to illuminate the room just enough for you to see a little better.

You crawled to a corner of the room where you had built a small shrine in honor of your mother. There sat the only photo of hers in your possession. It was at least fifteen years old, yellowed, and bent from use. Your mother held a younger you in her arms – sitting in the sand, next to the sandcastle you had built together – both smiling brightly at the man behind the camera.

You sighed as you bent forward, legs folded under you and forehead touching the ground as you started praying. Not to the Goddess – She wouldn’t be happy with what was going on in your mind – but to your mother. You prayed for a comforting vision, a word of wisdom. Anything.

“Please, mama,” you whispered. “I need you.”

But your prayers ended on deaf ears. You stayed there for what felt like hours, waiting. Hoping. But everything around you stayed the same. The wind outside, the feeling of the tatami under you, Shibuki’s low snoring, the faint scent of candles.

Nothing changed. And probably nothing would. Not as you wanted it to.

You squeezed your eyes shut for a moment before you decided to stand up. This was probably something you would regret, but you needed to go outside. So, you went towards your closet, grabbed your warmest coat, and silently walked out the sliding door with a last look in Shibuki’s direction.

You cursed the creaking wooden floors as you walked down the dormitory hall as silently as you could manage, hoping that no one would find you sneaking out. It was a cold night, and the wood corridor floor did nothing to help you in that regard as you shivered under your nightgown and wool coat. The good thing was that the possibility of finding anyone outside was slim to none.

You finally reached the main entrance, grabbing your shoes from a corner and putting them on before turning for the door.

Your hand hovered over the doorknob – ready to open it – when it turned.

Your eyes widened as your heart skipped a beat; you were about to get caught. Then the door opened to reveal a familiar face that looked as shocked to see you as you were to see hers.

“Yuzuha?” you said at the same time she exclaimed your name before talking again over each other, “What are you doing here?”

“I- I need some fresh air,” you explained in a whisper as you looked over your shoulder, hoping that no one heard you. “You?”

“I was hum, I- I heard a strange noise and went to check it out,” Usagi said with an awkward laugh. “Everything’s okay though, so I’m going back to bed now.”

“Oh, okay,” you nodded, unsure of what to say, “have a good night.”

You passed by her and out the front door, shivering and pulling your jacket closer against your skin as the cold island wind hit you straight in the face. You passed by the dormitory’s front garden and onto the dirt road with nothing to light your way but the moon. You knew exactly where you wanted to go.

You passed by the men’s dormitory as well as some family homes, glad that all the lights were off. No one was supposed to walk around past midnight, but you knew that there were always some exceptions. It wasn’t unheard of for some single men and women to meet when the moon was at its highest point. You had helped Shibuki partake in such activities more times than you could count.

“Hey, wait!” a voice called behind you, startling you.

You turned to see Usagi running towards you, almost tripping in the dark before stopping beside you.

“I was wondering… if you maybe needed some company?” she asked in a hesitant tone. “I don’t mean to get into your business, but I noticed you have been crying so I just…” she shrugged.

You gave her a smile that felt more like a grimace. You would have accepted the company any other time, but not now. Now all you needed was some time alone to make peace with all the things going on in your life.

“Thank you, but I’m okay,” you said with a shake of your head, already walking away, “I just really need to get my thoughts in order, that’s all. Goodnight, Yuzu–”

“You don’t have to marry him, you know?”

Her words made you stop in your tracks and turn back to stare into her eyes. There was no pity or sadness in them like you had seen in Shibuki’s. Her expression was so serious – so strangely intense and compassionate – that you wondered for a moment if this was somewhat personal to her. Then you remembered how new she was to The Faith; things worked differently on the mainland, of course, she wasn’t aware that there was no going back or saying no to an arranged marriage such as yours.

“I have to,” was all you said, a lump forming in your throat. You stood there in silence for what seemed like hours, the moonlight almost appearing darker as you felt your vision tremble with unshed tears. “I have to,” you repeated, now for yourself.

“Have you ever thought about leaving?”

Her question surprised you more than anything else she had said until that moment. You shook your head, scoffing at how preposterous of a question it was.

“What do you mean ‘leave’?” you asked. “This is my life! My family, my friends, and my Goddess are here. There’s nothing good outside of this island and you know it!”

“That’s not true,” Usagi answered, face still as serious as before. “I know you weren’t born here. You must remember how things were back then. How different things are out there.”

Your brow furrowed in annoyance. What kind of conversation was Usagi trying to have? What did she want from you, anyway?

“There’s nothing but sinners, sickness, and evil on the mainland,” you all but spat the words out, voice trembling. “I- I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but you better stop before you regret it.”

“I’m just saying,” she shrugged, “you got more options than you think you have.”

Your hands trembled as you crossed your arms around you, trying to protect yourself from the cold and from focusing too much on the meaning of her words. You liked Usagi, you really did. But whatever conversation she was trying to have – whatever sinful and ludicrous ideas she was trying to put into your head – was starting to seriously upset you.

You didn’t want fake hope, and you definitely didn’t need it.

“Listen–”

“You shouldn’t be outside at this hour.”

You both let out a startled gasp at the quiet voice that came from the shadows, instinctively getting closer to each other as you realized who had spoken. You stared at the tree line to see a tall figure walking in your direction, and dread took over you as the familiar blade of a katana shone like a beacon in the dark.

“What are you doing here?” asked Jabberwocky, the moonlight only making the tattoos on his face look even scarier. “You should be in bed.”

“We–”

“We couldn’t sleep so we came for a walk,” Usagi said for you, eyes down as her hand held yours in a firm grip, “we’re going back right now. Let’s go, Y/N.”

“Wait!” You froze at his command as you were turning around, eyes down as the man ever so slowly got closer, stopping right in front of you. “Aren’t you the cat’s new bride?”

“T- The cat?” you hesitantly asked, looking up over your lashes, unsure if you should make eye contact.

“Cheshire,” the man clarified. “The cat.”

“Oh,” you let out an awkward giggle, “yes, I- I suppose.” You had never talked to the Jabberwocky before, but you were starting to realize that he was as odd as he looked. “Hmm, we’re gonna go back to bed now. Goodnight.”

You started walking back up the path you had taken, Usagi’s hand still in yours as you looked over your shoulder. A shiver ran down your spine when you realized that Jabberwocky was silently following you just a few steps behind. You gulped and walked faster, wanting as much distance from him as you could.

Fortunately, it didn’t take long for you to reach the garden of the women’s dormitory, and neither of you stopped until you reached the front steps. You had one foot inside the house when he spoke again.

“You know what you look like?” He didn’t wait for your answer as he added, “A little bird.”

You didn’t care to be polite as you rushed in and closed the door in his face. Your heart was beating so fast you had to sit down for a moment, eyes on the floor as you realized how close you were to being caught talking about things you shouldn’t.

“That was a close one,” Usagi said beside you as she took off her shoes.

“Do you have any idea of what could’ve happened if he heard us?” you asked in an agitated whisper.

“I’m sorry, I–”

“No,” you interrupted, trying to take off your shoes with shaky fingers. “I don’t wanna hear it.”

You stood up in a rush. All you wanted now was to sleep and forget the whole damn day. Maybe you would wake up to realize that everything had been nothing but a nightmare.

“Wait!” Usagi whispered your name as she grabbed you by the wrist. “Please, I apologize. I’m still new to this, still learning,” she shook her head, “I didn’t mean to say anything bad or to offend you.”

You took a deep breath. It was true; Usagi was new to all your beliefs. You couldn’t blame her for asking questions. You remembered having your own questions upon arrival; may the Goddess never find out, but sometimes you still did.

“Okay,” you nodded. “Just please, if you value your life here don’t say anything like that ever again.”

With that, you went back to your room, no more words shared between you. You heard as Usagi walked down the hall and past your bedroom, sliding the door to the room two doors down. You sighed as you got under the covers, glad that at least Shibuki was still sleeping. You didn’t think you could take an interrogation right now.

~^~^~^~^~

The next few days went by as if nothing had changed. Besides the congratulations and extra stares sent your way, most people acted just like every day (except for some older sisters that had chastised you for running away during your wedding announcement). Shibuki didn’t touch the subject, acting as bubbly and talkative as usual, and Usagi kept her distance – even though you could feel her watching you from afar sometimes, like she was waiting for the right moment to approach you.

To your deepest relief, neither Cheshire nor the Hare showed their faces in your presence either, except for the morning prayer and mealtimes – occasions where you acted like they weren’t there. You didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing that neither of them had tried to approach you, but it did help you relax and pretend like things were still normal.

On the fifth day, things changed.

“The Red Goddess wants to see you.”

This time Bandersnatch came for you, looking tall and imposing as he stood over you and the rest of the women washing dirty laundry close by the river mouth. You dropped the shirt you were scrubbing, dried your hands on your apron, and silently followed him, ignoring the whispers around you as the women watched you go.

You didn’t bother asking why She would want to see you; you knew this time would come eventually.

He guided you through the now familiar route towards the Goddess’ home, not once turning around to check if you were still following him until you reached the garden of spider lilies.

“You can go in, now,” he said as he opened the door for you.

You nodded with a small bow and took your shoes off, leaving them by the entrance before going in. Unlike the first time you were in that house, the big room you were in now was far from empty.

Three familiar people sat at the round table in the center.

“Ah, here she is!” the Goddess greeted with enthusiasm. “Welcome!”

You bowed, greeting them all with a smile you weren’t feeling. For all of them to be here could only mean one thing; you wouldn’t be able to avoid your upcoming marriage any longer.

“Glad to see you again, Y/N.”

You locked eyes with the woman sitting on the Goddess’ left, dressed in a long white tunic and knee-high white socks. You knew her by another name since before she became an apostle. Seeing her now in this particular situation made you more uncomfortable than you were expecting. You and whom you formerly knew as Sister Ann never had a very close relationship, but it was still odd to see someone that used to knead bread alongside you now be one of the Goddess’ apostles.

“White Queen,” you acknowledge her with yet another bow before turning to the other person in the room, “Caterpillar.”

The woman in the floral blue kimono by the Goddess’ right nodded in greeting, lips occupied as she smoked her usual pipe. Whatever she was smoking smelled both sweet and smoky, bordering on nauseating. It was quite a familiar scent.

“Well, don’t just stand there,” the Goddess spoke, gesturing at a chair in front of her with her cup of tea, “take a seat.”

You did as you were told, hiding your hands under your apron as you tried to stop yourself from fidgeting.

“How have you been feeling, child?” the Goddess asked followed by a sip of tea. “More levelheaded, I would hope…”

“Yes, my Goddess,” you nodded, eyes on the table.

“That’s what I like to hear,” She said in a cheery tone. “I knew you would get used to the idea. I’ve seen your future after all, and there’s nothing short of happiness in your path. Now,” she served herself more tea before continuing, “I’m sure you know why you’re here…”

You nodded, feeling yourself getting smaller under the three women’s gaze.

“I’m here because… I’m marrying an apostle?”

It was mostly a guess, but you knew that apostles went through intense spiritual training before being blessed with the highest honors. Even though you wouldn’t become one, it only made sense that you went through the same process if you were to be worthy of marrying one.

“Exactly,” exclaimed the Goddess, “what a clever girl you are. Caterpillar here will make sure you’re ready to take on the duty of being Cheshire’s spiritual wife.”

Tests of faith happened to be Caterpillar’s specialty. Everyone went through one before taking the mark, tattooed by the Caterpillar herself. You barely remembered yours due to the state you were in, but you remembered it being the most intense experience you ever went through. No spiritual feeling could ever compare to it. You couldn’t imagine what a marriage ritual would entail; no one really talked about it due to how sacred it was.

Part of you feared going through it. If you failed…

“I’m sure you’re wondering what the White Queen is doing here,” the Goddess snapped you out of your thoughts. “As you might know, she’s in charge of spreading my word to the rest of the world – and what a great job she has done in the short time she has been my apostle,” she added with a smile in the White Queen’s direction before focusing again on you. “However, she has come to me with the most gracious offer.”

“An offer?” you asked, glancing at the Queen. She nodded when your eyes locked and leaned closer to you.

“I would like to take on the role of being your Mother during the wedding rituals,” she said. “If you accept, that is.”

You just stared at her, stunned by her words, unsure of what to say. The role of Mother was always given to the mother of the bride, the closest kin, or an older married sister within the community. It was such an important role in the life of a soon-to-be-wife that you hadn’t even considered anyone else but your own mother to take that part. But she wasn’t here anymore, and you had to remember that once and for all.

“Isn’t that the most caring offer?” the Goddess inquired before you could utter a word. “You can only say yes to such an honor.”

“I… If you so wish,” you answered in a low tone after a moment’s hesitation. You couldn’t comprehend why the White Queen herself would want to take on that role. She wasn’t even married; what could she teach you about the duties of being a wife and a mother?

“I know you’re thinking about how unusual this arrangement is, child,” the Goddess spoke, no doubt aware of your inner turmoil, “but I really believe that there’s no one better to aid you during these new and challenging times than the White Queen.”

“I’ll certainly do my best,” the apostle in question added with a nod and a faint smile.

You gulped and nodded, having no idea what to say next.

“A- Anything more you wish to tell me?” you asked. All you wanted was to escape their intense stare.

“Hmm,” the Goddess looked you up and down, “have you been meeting with Cheshire?” You shook your head. “Why not?”

“I haven’t seen him around much,” you said. It was true, even if not the complete truth. “I figured he must be busy.”

You had to control your expression when the Goddess let out a disappointed sigh.

“You are supposed to marry soon. Don’t you want to spend some time with him before you must live together?” She asked. “You must know him better if you want to be a good wife. Men are simple creatures but knowing a few tricks to satisfy them will keep you happy.”

“Y- Yes, my Goddess,” you dropped your head. “Hmm… should I approach him?”

“Yes, of course, you should!” She exclaimed like it was obvious. “He won’t push you away if that’s what you fear. I reckon he’s way more excited for this wedding than he shows.”

You silently nodded. Why you were still prolonging the inevitable was beyond you. This wedding was happening one way or another and avoiding your fiance would do you no favors.

“You can go now,” the Goddess finally said dismissively. “Start preparing yourself, dear. You must be married before the season changes.”

You nodded and excused yourself, standing up and bowing before walking backwards towards the exit.

You closed the door with a last bow and shut your eyes, taking a big breath to calm your nerves as you pressed your forehead against the wood. Every time you thought life couldn’t get more stressful, destiny came to prove you wrong.

“You okay, girl?”

You were startled by Bandersnatch’s voice behind you. You nodded as you hurried to put your shoes on – you couldn’t wait to go back to your mundane, everyday tasks.

You followed the man in silence, eyes on his back as you thought about everything that would be happening before your marriage. Having White Queen as your Mother? That one you weren’t expecting at all. You wish you could refuse and spare yourself the awkwardness that would without a doubt come from your conversations with her.

A low whistle broke you out of your thoughts, and you looked to your right to see Hare, leaning against a tree with his eyes locked on you. There was no usual smirk on his face. Just dark, cold eyes that eyed you like you were prey, and he was the hunter, lips puckered as he whistled a cheery tune you faintly recognized.

A chill ran down your spine as you averted your eyes from his and almost ran to Bandersnatch’s side, hoping that the big man’s figure would hide your own. He was also eyeing the Hare, a deeper scowl than usual on his face.

“Has the Hare been bothering you lately?”

The sudden question by the usually quiet man made your eyes widen in surprise as he glanced at you.

“N- No,” you shook your head. Were you supposed to thank him for that?

“Good,” he said with an assertive nod, “let me know if he does.”

The walk back to the river was made in silence, your head busy with ways to get closer to Cheshire. Your relationship with him had always been friendly but impersonal, as it was with most of the apostles. They were in a league of their own, so you had never expected you would end up in a close relationship with one of them. You looked up to Cheshire and respected him as the leader he was, but it never went beyond that.

You knew nothing about him, you realized. What was his favorite food? Did he prefer warm days or cold days? Was he someone that got up early with the sun or did he only go to bed way past midnight? You knew he liked to read; you had noticed him reading on occasion. You also knew he liked cats, as you had seen him pet the old tabby that wandered around the infirmary countless times. He was also kind, even if strict. His voice was soft and alluring, and you remembered how it had comforted you as a young girl when you arrived there with your sick mother, and then later, at your mother’s deathbed and consequent funeral.

Even if you were afraid of marriage, you couldn’t deny that he was a good man. You knew he would be a good husband too.

At least you hoped he would.

Just like summoned by the Goddess Herself, you noticed Cheshire walking in your direction, raising a hand in greeting before stopping in front of you, a shadow of a smile on his lips.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he said before nodding at the man beside you. “You can go now, thank you for taking care of her.”

Bandersnatch nodded back and left without another word. You stood there, staring at Cheshire with what you were sure was a dumb expression before he noticed, smile getting bigger as he moved to your side, giving you his arm to hold on to. You hesitantly took it, eyes down as you screamed at yourself to say something, anything, to break the uncomfortable silence.

He walked with you down the road in direction of the seaside, greeting everyone that walked by with a nod and a gentle smile. Neither of you spoke before you reached the beach, time when you took your shoes off and enjoyed the sand in between your toes and the ocean breeze on your face. Maybe walking in awkward silence wasn’t so bad.

The ocean was calm despite the cold, with waves big enough to reach your ankles but not enough to swoop you off your feet while walking on the wet sand. It was nice; you didn’t dare to think how nicer it would be without Cheshire there.

“How have you been, Y/N?” he asked before you could, startling you after long minutes of silence.

“I’m fine,” you quietly answered. “H-How’re you?”

“I’ve been… thoughtful, lately. More than usual.”

“Oh,” you started, “how so?”

“I’ve been thinking about your reaction to the engagement,” he said, continuing when he noticed you lower your eyes in embarrassment. “How disturbed you were by it. I was wondering if we should break it off.”

“Break it off?” you repeated his words back to him. “Can we really do that?”

The enthusiasm in your voice couldn’t be masked.

You covered your mouth with a gasp as soon as the words left your lips, looking at Cheshire’s face, hoping he wasn’t upset by your audacity. He didn’t look surprised by your words, but his dark eyes were cold and calculating as he bore into yours with an intensity that made you wonder if he was mad at you. That was the last thing you wanted.

“Do I disgust you in any way?” he asked, head tilted to the side as he looked you up and down. It made you feel beyond uncomfortable. “Is it my age? What makes you reject this union so thoroughly?”

“No, it’s nothing like that!” you clarified, shaking your head. “I’m sure that any woman would be lucky to have you as a husband, but I just–”

“You know, if you despise me so much, I could arrange your marriage to the Hare,” he interrupted, continuing as you stared at him in shock, panic making your hands tremble. “He has been looking for a wife and I know that he wanted you before the Goddess chose you for myself. He’s younger and handsome, I’m sure that–”

“Don’t!” you shouted, grabbing his tunic in a desperate gesture you didn’t even realize. “Please don’t change anything, I will marry you! I want… I want to marry you.”

That’s when you realized you were crying, tears streaming down your face as you looked into Cheshire’s eyes with all the pleading sentiment you could manage. You would rather throw yourself off a cliff than be married to such an awful man as the Hare. You couldn’t say those exact words, but you could make Cheshire understand how much you did not want that to happen.

You didn’t move when his hands touched your waist, gasping at the sudden contact. That’s when you realized how close to him you were, hands still clenched around his white tunic and face so close you could see his whitish blonde lashes in detail. You immediately tried to take a step back, but his hands on your waist stopped you.

“Kiss me.”

You just stared at him, mouth agape.

“What?” you asked in a trembling whisper.

“Kiss me,” he repeated, one hand leaving your waist to tilt your chin. “Prove to me that you want me as your husband. Prove to me that I can trust you.”

“But we aren’t married–

“We don’t need to be married to show love to each other,” he interrupted your failed attempt and reasoning. “I’m not asking you to give your body to me – that will come in time – only a kiss.”

You gulped, unsure of what to say. What could you possibly say or do? Saying no was out of the question; not when the consequences could be as dire as marrying the wrong man.

So, you nodded.

You let him kiss you, unsure of what to do as a man you barely knew took over your mouth like you belonged to him already. You closed your eyes and tried to kiss him back as best as you knew before it was over, gasping in relief as he let you go.

His thumb grazed over your bottom lip as he looked at you with a satisfied smirk, something dark in his eyes you didn’t know how to describe. Whatever it was, it made you want to take several steps back and hide from him. But you couldn’t do it, you were aware.

“That’s my good girl,” he said before surprising you with another light kiss on the lips. Then you felt his hand on your lower back, pushing you forward to keep walking on the beach as if nothing had happened. You didn’t protest, too stunned to say, or do anything.

You never imagined your first kiss to be like this.

Chapter 4 ->

#alice in borderland #alice in boderland x reader #chishiya smut #chishiya x reader #chishiya alice in borderland #chishiya x you #chishiya shuntaro #aib fanfic #aib chishiya

388 notes · View notes

iamashippinggod · 1 year ago

Text

I Don't Say What's On My Mind Quite As Much As You'd Like Me To

Part five of my mini-fic series is here! @julybreakbingo

Bingo Prompt: “You should be with someone that respects you.” Fandom: My Hero Academia Ships: Kaminari Denki/Shinsou Hitoshi, Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi Content Warning: Explicit Language Tags: Shinsou Hitoshi is an Insomniac, Adopted Shinsou Hitoshi, Adopted Eri, Married Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi, Class 1-A, Established Relationships, Shinsou Hitoshi replaces Mineta Minoru, Shinsou Hitoshi has Social Anxiety, Kaminari Denki has ADHD, Pansexual Kaminari Denki, Bisexual Jirou Kyouka, Gay Shinsou Hitoshi, Late Night Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Stargazing, Latino Sero Hanta, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Bakugou Katsuki is a good friend. Side Note: This is cross-platformed on AO3. What? Two posts within a few days of each other? Shocker. Anyway, welcome (or welcome back), here's part five! I hope you all enjoy <3 P.S: Also, translation for Sero: "Aye, date un respiro, hombre." = "Aye, take a break, man." "Ok, guapo." = "Ok, handsome." I apologize if those aren't the correct translations, I used Google Translate for Sero's spanish.

Masterlist

Summary: “... You should be with someone that respects you, Kaminari, not someone who’s gonna make you question if what you said or did was wrong or make you feel like shit for something you can’t help.”

“Like who?”

Me.

Hitoshi has officially been in Class 1-A for a full month now.

For the most part, everything was just about the same as before he was transferred into the Hero Course, with the addition of training and his new acquaintances (not friends, not yet). He still had his normal classes like English and Mathematics, but now he also has the addition of Heroics with All Might and afternoon training in Gym Gemma. He’s gotten better at changing the pitch of his voice changer at a faster speed mid fight. He’s even succeeded in capturing Bakugou mid-fight, and that in itself is a win considering how tough of an opponent he can be.

And he no longer stays in his room, sure there are days where he separates himself from his class to recharge his social battery, but he finds himself joining everyone downstairs more often than not, especially if Kaminari is around.

Speaking of, he supposed that he has him to thank for that little change.

He still finds being around his classmates for longer than a few hours after classes have ended to be a pain, but he finds it more bearable when Kaminari is around. Maybe it’s because the blond knows how to steer a conversation, forcing the attention onto him rather than the insomniac. Either way, it helps him feel more comfortable when there’s more than just the two of them in the room.

He still wouldn’t admit it out loud if you confronted him, but he actually enjoys Kaminari’s company. More than he thought he would. Ever since that one Sunday night a few weeks back, he finds himself wanting to be around Kaminari more.

A part of him doesn’t like it, mostly because it’s weird to have a friend who doesn’t make comments about his Quirk and doesn’t imply all of the villainous acts he could do with it, it’s new. But that’s also why he does like it. Kaminari isn’t like everyone else.

And he likes to think that because they’ve been hanging out so much, and that Hitoshi actually enjoys his company, that he has gotten to know the blond well enough to know when something is wrong.

Like now, for instance.

Everyone in the class could sense that something was off with Kaminari and Jirou’s dynamic. Though the dark-haired girl wasn’t affectionate like her counterpart, she did joke around with Kaminari, even though some of the jokes she made something in Hitoshi’s stomach churn. And Kaminari knows she doesn’t like public displays of affection, so he finds other ways to swoon her during class; little gifts like snacks would find their way onto the corner of her desk at random hours of the day, an extra pen in case she forgot hers, offering to carry her bag when going to their next class, stuff like that.

But for the past couple of days, there has been none of that. They wouldn’t even look at each other for more than a few seconds.

Everyone knows something happened, they were all at the ramen shop last Friday, they all saw her storm out with Momo trailing after her, eventually watching Kaminari follow after them both. Hitoshi saw the concern and worry on Kaminari’s face that night, but mostly an expression of pure confusion.

But it was Sunday morning that he knew something went wrong between them.

Hitoshi had spent Saturday night at the family apartment on campus for diner, he and Eri had stayed up until it was close to midnight watching movies before Shouta had shooed them off to bed for the night, Hitoshi found it a bit hypocritical how he shooed them off to bed only to stay up to grade papers until Hizashi had come down to collect him.

The next morning, Hitoshi had made his way to the kitchen, following the smell of freshly cooked bacon. He knew his Dad wouldn’t be there, he hosted tutoring sessions in the mornings on the weekends, and knew that if he wasn’t in the kitchen, that he was at the school for one of his tutoring sessions.

Half way through breakfast, his Pops spoke up.

“Are you heading back to the dorms soon?” Hizashi asked, making Hitoshi look up from his plate.

The purple-haired teen nodded, “Yeah, probably once we’re done eating. I left my homework at my dorm, and I need to see if Midoriya will let me borrow his notes again.”

“Can you do me a favor and take your father his lunch, please?”

“Won’t he be done by lunch?” Hitoshi asked.

Hizashi reaches over to pick up his glass, “Yeah, he’ll be done tutoring by then, but he has a meeting with a detective for a case. You know he won’t take care of himself if I don’t send him something to eat.”

So that’s how he found himself wandering the halls of the main school building until he reached his father’s classroom, a bento box in one hand, and his phone in the other while he looked at the news.

“Another sighting of the villain known at Dabi has been spotted down at the port last night, our sources tell us that he as well as the League of Villains are connected to the recent explosion in downtown Tokyo. Police are still refusing to make any statements, but are continuing their investigation–”

Hitoshi had shut off his screen, deciding that it was best to not read any more of that article.

For all of his hopes to follow in his parents’ footsteps, there were days where he wished that they weren’t in the Hero business, especially when he reads news like that. What the hell would they be in Tokyo for anyway?

Hitoshi had stopped outside his father’s classroom, raising a hand to knock when he heard two voices from the otherside.

��It’s B.”

“It’s A.” He hears his father correct.

There is a grumble from the otherside. “This is hopeless…”

A pause, followed by the sound of footsteps. “It may not seem like much, but you have improved since last weekend.” Hitoshi hears a scoff. “... Are you alright?”

“What do you mean?”

“To put it lightly? You look like shit, kid.” Hitoshi smirked at that.

He hears a laugh. He recognizes that laugh, and he smiles at the sound without realizing it. “It’s nothing to worry about.” A pause, followed by a sigh. “Really, Sensei, I’m fine. I just…” He hears him trail off. He sounded tired. “Why numbers? I understand letters like the back of my hand, but numbers? What maniac came to the conclusion that math was a necessity? Who?”

Hitoshi knocks, “Dad?” he calls out, sliding the door open. He’s met with the sight of Kaminari hunched over his desk, and his father leaning back against the podium. He stops and examines Kaminari.

Kaminari did look like shit.

Normally, the blond greets him with a smile, a grin, a fucking smirk, his lips would be turned upwards no matter what. But he was met with a frown instead.

Hitoshi clears his throat, tearing his eyes away and holds up the bento. “Pops asked me to bring you lunch. And to remind you to take your meds.”

“Of course he did.” Shouta pushes off from the podium, hiding the small smile creeping its way onto his face with his scarf. “Thank you.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Kaminari looking at him, but when he goes to return the look, the blond looks away.

Weird.

That night, Hitoshi texts Kaminari first.

I’m hopping on mc, you joining?

He was met with the thumbs-down emoji, followed by; can’t. homework.

This makes Hitoshi frown. Kaminari normally sends him a paragraph for a reply. Are you okay?

Three dots. i’m fine. He didn’t even capitalize the I. Before Hitoshi could think of a response, Kaminari adds, i’ll text you later. The purple-haired teen stared at his phone for a moment, reading over Kaminari’s responses before he eventually shuts off his screen and goes to log onto Minecraft, expecting that follow up he was promised.

But that follow up never came. And it doesn’t for a few days.

From an outside perspective, Kaminari probably seems like his normal self. Cracking jokes, poking fun with his classmates, holding conversations with Sero and Mina over the most random of subjects that have zero context or meaning. Kaminari did seem fine.

Hitoshi knew he wasn’t. From his perspective, Kaminari was mimicking him and his sleep schedule, as the blond seemed exhausted, quieter in the past week alone. And he wondered if the rest of his friend’s squad had noticed too (he says “his friend’s” as he doesn’t see himself as a part of their group yet), and just hasn’t said anything.

Hitoshi sees the way he’s sluggish during training, how his response time is off by a few seconds. And he’s definitely noticed the way he avoids Jirou at all costs, and the looks Jirou gives him in return. Speaking of the earjack hero in training, he noticed how she has simmered down in the past week, the daggers in her eyes were more like dull blades used for show now.

It all comes to a head Thursday morning.

Hitoshi had walked into class, rubbing away the remaining sleep from his eyes. As usual, he walks into the endless chatter of his classmates, some still waking themselves to pay attention to today’s lesson plan, others engaging in conversations that either have zero meaning behind it or are discussing homework or something along those lines.

As he sits down, he looks to his right and sees the hyperactive blond being not so hyperactive. Kaminari had his arms folded across his desk and was currently resting his forehead on top of his folded arms, he looked as though he was half-way to being asleep.

Hitoshi thought about reaching over, giving him a shake and asking to see if he was okay. But he already knows that he’s not okay, he hasn’t been okay for the past week, ever since that night in the ramen shop. What good would asking him do if he already knew the answer?

“Hey, Ji. How are you holding up?”

Behind him, he hears Hagakure. Casting Kaminari a subtle but concerned look, he peaks over his shoulder to see the invisible girl talking to Jirou.

Now that he’s giving her a good look over, she was almost as bad as Kaminari, but her eyes weren’t as puffy as his. The girl shrugs, “I’m fine.”

Hitoshi almost scoffs. Why does everyone keep saying that when they clearly aren’t fine?

If he could see the invisible girl’s face, he would probably see a frown. “Have you spoken to him since the break up?”

Hitoshi snaps his head forward, eyes wide in shock. “No… We decided to give each other some space for a bit.” He hears Jirou say. He looks over to his right, seeing Kaminari peeking over his arms, eyes trained on the back of Ojiro’s chair. Did he hear them too?

Apparently the whole class heard.

“Wait what?” Uraraka spoke up, Hitoshi looked and saw her looking directly at the girls. “You and Kaminari broke up?” Looking past the three of them, he could see Momo staring at them blankly, like she was already expecting this reaction. She already knew.

But Uraraka’s question stirred up the entire class.

“What? Kami, why didn’t you say anything?” Mina frowned at the electric blond, who only shrugged in response and buried his head further into his arms.

Bakugou’s frown (one that is practically tattooed on his face) deepened, and reached back and across to poke at Kaminari. “Oi,” He was quiet. “Pikachu?”

“I’m fine.” They hear him mutter. Behind them, most of the class was asking Jirou the questions. Only those from their group (minus Jirou, obviously) were checking in on Kaminari.

The commotion hadn’t died down when Shouta had walked into the classroom. Even Iida hadn’t bothered telling everyone to get to their seats when he noticed the teacher walking in.

For that half an hour, the classroom was tense. If Hitoshi was paying attention to his dad, he would have seen him casting a questioning look in his direction. But Hitoshi didn’t pay attention, he kept his attention on Kaminari instead.

Throughout the entire day, Hitoshi noticed how Kaminari seemed distant from everyone. The blond kept his head down during classes, and he hadn’t even shown up for lunch, Bakugou had to go and drag him into the cafeteria just to make sure he ate.

In between classes, Kaminari would walk with a notebook and pen in his hand, scribbling things down. Hitoshi had peaked over his shoulder out of curiosity and saw that it was one of his extra assignments. He’s worse than Midoriya. And the green-haired boy would be switching between three assignments while maintaining a conversation with Todoroki in between his unnatural muttering.

“Aye, date un respiro, hombre.” Sero clasps a hand on the blond’s shoulder, slightly shaking him from his thoughts before switching back to Japanese. “Seriously, don’t stress yourself. We’re doing a study group at Bakugou’s tonight so just join us.”

Kaminari looked as though he was giving it some thought before shaking his head. “No, it’s fine. I kind of want to get it done before Ectoplasm’s class.”

I don’t want to be around people, right now. Was what Hitoshi heard. He’s well rehearsed in avoiding people, and that was the oldest line in the book. And judging by the look Sero was giving him, he didn’t believe him either.

Sero gives him a small smile, giving his shoulder a light squeeze. “Ok, guapo. If you change your mind, we’ll be in Bakugou’s room until seven.”

Kaminari nods before speeding away from the black-haired teen. Sero frowned as he watched him walk away, and so did Hitoshi.

When afternoon training came, Kaminari had been excused from the class and was given a permission slip to head back to the dorms early. He knew his father noticed Kaminari’s exhaustion, he was practically mimicking Hitoshi even if he didn’t mean to.

So during practice, Hitoshi was paired with Bakugou, who he quickly learned was hard of hearing due to his Quirk. About halfway through the round, Hitoshi had to switch to sign-language (something he had picked up for his Pops, who also was hard of hearing as a result of his Quirk), which took the angry teen by surprise.

Hiding around the corner to avoid Tokoyami and Dark Shadow, the two of them had a silent conversation.

“Which should we go after first?” Hitoshi signed, ignoring the wide-eyed look on Bakugou’s face.

“Since when can you fucking sign?” Bakugou asked.

Hitoshi shrugged. “Does it matter?”

Bakugou didn't reply right away, instead, he grabbed Hitoshi by the wrist and moved them until they were higher up with an advantage. Hitoshi felt a tap on his shoulder, he looked over in time to make out Bakugou’s question. “Have you spoken to Pikachu today?”

With furrowed brows, Hitoshi looked between Bakugou and Tokoyami below them. “No. Have you?” He was met with a shake of the head. “How long were they together?”

“A couple of months. Not sure what happened though.” Bakugou pauses. “... Don’t say anything, but I’m glad they broke up.”

“Why?”

Bakugou scoffs. “Because they don’t work well as a couple.” He replies. “You should talk to him.”

Before Hitoshi could question him further, acid was sprayed in their direction.

Unfortunately for Tokoyami and Mina, they had fallen for Hitoshi’s voice changer, and were deemed subdued, leaving him and Bakugou as the winner of this training match.

Mina was pouting all the way back to the entrance of Ground Beta. “No fair, how we’re we supposed to tell if that was you or one of us?” She questioned.

But Hitoshi hadn’t been paying attention to the pink-haired girl, so Bakugou responded for him, “That was the point, Racoon Eyes.” The angry teen rolled his eyes. “You guys aren’t meant to know if it’s him or not. That’s what makes him fucking better.”

Mina stopped, mouth gaping at Bakugou. “Did… Did you just compliment someone that wasn’t you or Kiri?”

“Go to hell!” Bakugou sped up, but not before the rush of red colored his cheeks. Mina kept up her teasing while they made their way back.

Hitoshi didn’t speak up again until they were in the locker room. Their match was the last one for the day, and as a result, they were the last ones in the locker room. Tokoyami left first, Dark Shadow peeking out to say goodbye before leaving them alone.

As Hitoshi pulled his shirt down over his head, he looked in Bakugou’s direction, watching as he reached for a pair of hearing aids. Once his shirt was one, he started signing again.

“I thought you got your hearing back when you were talking to Mina?”

Bakugou shook his head. “I can read lips, as long as they’re not moving too fast.”

Hitoshi nods, and waits for Bakugou to put in his hearing aids before he speaks. “What did you mean earlier?” Bakugou gives him a questioning look. “About Kaminari and Jirou not working as a couple.”

“Tsk.” The blond reaches for his bag, pulling the strap onto his shoulder. “Ears had a tendency to take her shitty jokes too far. Pikachu may seem laid back and doesn’t fucking care about what people say about him, but he does.”

“Why didn’t-”

“-He fucking say anything?”

“Or any of you?”

Bakugou shrugs, “We’ve tried. She came into our group not too long after they started dating, so we had a little more time to know what was okay to joke about and what he didn’t want us to talk about. But whenever one of us would try to fucking correct her, Pikachu would shrug it off, saying that it was a shitty joke.” He explained.

“Why me?” Confused, Hitoshi asked, “You said that I should talk to him, but shouldn’t one of you do that? You’ve known him longer.”

“That’s why it should be you.” Still clearly confused, Bakugou sighed and continued. “He has a tendency to fucking brush shit off, if one of us tried to talk to him, he’d fucking plaster a smile on his face and throw a joke or two. He won’t fucking talk.”

“That doesn’t explain why I should be the one to talk to him. What good could I do if the people he’s known longer can’t get him to open up.”

“Damn, you really are dense.” Bakugou mutters, shaking his head. “It’s different with you. ‘No clue why, but he’s taken a fucking liking to you. He’ll talk to you. I know it.”

When they had gotten back to the dorms, there was no sign of the electric blond. When Bakugou had asked (to know how much to cook for dinner), Kirishima had told them that he was still in his room. Hitoshi confirms this when walking into his room, hearing the sound of music coming through the door across the hall.

The music stays on until it gets closer to midnight, 11:43 shining in red LED tells him the time. Hitoshi had finished his homework a while ago, and he was back on his Switch playing Mario Kart, trying to beat his best speed when he heard the music cut off abruptly.

The teen looks up from the device and looks toward his door. He waits, expecting the music to come back on with a change in song, but the noise never comes.

“What good could I do if the people he’s known longer can’t get him to open up.” “He’ll talk to you. I know it.” Just what the hell did he mean by that?

Out of curiosity, Hitoshi disregards his Switch and reaches for his phone, unlocking it and opening his chat with the blond.

What are we listening to tonight?

Instead of seeing the three dots dancing at the bottom of the screen, he sees the grayed-out check mark underneath his message turn green, indicating that it had been seen. But he receives no response.

Hitoshi frowns, laying on his back as he stares at the screen, still expecting those three dots to appear at any moment.

So Hitoshi starts typing again. Any chance I can make a request? We could be the dorm’s personal radio show. He jokes. But the only indication that Kaminari has seen his text is that green checkmark underneath his message.

He sighs, shutting off his screen. Clearly Kaminari didn’t want to talk. Then again, he could have not even been looking at his phone, he could just have their chat open and that’s why they were being marked as read.

No, that’s a stupid explanation. Besides, if their messages were open, that would mean Kaminari was planning on texting him back, so why hasn’t he? “What good could I do if the people he’s known longer can’t get him to open up.” “He’ll talk to you. I know it.”

He opens his eyes to the sound of his phone ringing. When did he even close them?

Hitoshi raises his phone, eyes widening slightly when he sees Kaminari’s name on his screen. Without thinking, he immediately swipes his thumb right to answer. “Hey-”

“Step into the hallway.” Hitoshi almost drops his phone from how rough Kaminari sounded.

Curiously (and more so out of concern), he does as told. Swinging open his door and stepping out, frowning at the sight of an empty hallway. “Where are you?”

“Across from Iida’s room.” Kaminari tells him, Hitoshi walks until he’s standing in front of Iida’s room, and across from his door is an open window.

The purple-haired teen hangs up and immediately climbs through it, leading him to the roof that connects both wings of Height Alliance. His feet (thankfully covered by the fluffy socks that Eri had picked out for him at the mall) hit the asphalt, and ahead of him, Kaminari is lowering his phone from his ear.

The blond was laying on his back, his knees drawn up as he looked up at the sky. Tonight, the skies were clear, the school was high enough away from the rest of the city that looking up from here, they could see stars shining brightly.

Hitoshi is hesitant to move at first, unsure as to why Kaminari was out here, let alone inviting him out here with him. But he finds himself moving toward him anyway, eventually sitting down next to the other teen, drawing up his knees to rest his arms on.

Neither of them say anything at first. But neither of them seemed to mind the silence, it was a comfortable silence that greeted them, aside from the sound of crickets that echoed in the grass below, and the familiar commotion of their classmates getting ready for bed (unless you were Bakugou, then you were already asleep).

“Did you know that electricity has a sound?” Hitoshi looks behind him, looking down at Kaminari, who hadn’t looked to meet his gaze. “Most people don’t even notice that there’s a sound until it’s been cut off. It’s quiet, barely noticeable in general. But when the power cuts off, you can hear the silence. It’s kind of nerve racking.” Kaminari explains.

“Is that why you’re out here?”

The question makes Kaminari bend his head to look at Hitoshi. But he nods. “It’s too loud. Most of the time, I can ignore it. But with my Quirk… it’s hard to sometimes.” “Can’t you still hear it out here though?”

Kaminari shrugs. “Yeah, it's not as bad though.”

Another round of silence falls over them for a minute. Kaminari looks back up at the sky, and Hitoshi lies down next to him to do the same.

“What did you mean earlier? About Kaminari and Jirou not working as a couple.”

His conversation with Bakugou rang in his ears again, nagging at him. He finds himself turning his head to look at the blond laying next to him, Bakugou talking in his ear again.

“Tsk. Ears had a tendency to take her shitty jokes too far. Pikachu may seem laid back and doesn’t fucking care about what people say about him, but he does.”

He couldn’t help but to think that there was some truth in Bakugou’s words. “She came into our group not too long after they started dating, so we had a little more time to know what was okay to joke about and what he didn’t want us to talk about. But whenever one of us would try to fucking correct her, Pikachu would shrug it off, saying that it was a shitty joke.”

He bites back a sigh. Just how many times had you shrugged shit off, Kaminari? He wanted to ask him. But he knows better. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t want to explain it either. Besides, for the most part, he and Jirou seemed to really have liked each other.

“... I’m sorry to hear about the break up.” He thought that was a good way to start. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine.”

It sounded forced. So Hitoshi pressed. “Okay, now the truth this time.” He found himself repeating the same words his Pops’ used on him a while back, keeping his voice soft in hopes of making Kaminari comfortable enough to talk.

The blond didn’t say anything at first, Hitoshi thinks he wasn’t going to say anything at all. He doesn’t blame him though.

But then Kaminari sighs, his eyes squeezing shut as he brings his hands up to cover his face. “Not fine.” He groans, clearly not wanting to talk about it.

“What happened with you two, anyway?” Hitoshi presses, hearing him sigh again. “I’m not going to force you to talk about it but… it’s not good to bottle things up-”

“What would you know?” There was a snap in the blond’s voice, who dropped his hands from his face in favor of sending him a glare. “You’ve never been in a relationship before, remember?”

“No, but I have experience with heartbreak.” He kept his voice even. He watches Kaminari deflate a little. “And I know first hand the consequences of bottling things up. Eventually, that bottle cracks, and it keeps cracking until you’re saying all the things you didn’t want to say anyway. So, let it out.”

Kaminari goes quiet, just like he has been over the past week. But Hitoshi doesn’t push anymore, he wants him to open up on his own.

It’s kind of funny when you look at this, he’s using the same tactics Hizashi and Shouta had used on him when he came to live with them a little over a year ago. Even though the situations are different, it feels like the right move. It’s hard to describe.

“... I fucked up.” Hitoshi looks toward the blond again, finding a look of guilt on his face. “And I didn’t even realize how much I had fucked up until it was over.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was jealous-” He cuts himself off, closing his eyes to think. “I um, I talked to Momo after homeroom, and I asked her how Ky- Jirou was doing,” Hitoshi could tell that it was hard to call her by her family name after getting so used to using her given name. “And I know she’s just looking out for her, I do. But she called me out for not being there when I should’ve been.”

He knew it wasn’t the full story. And he knew that he probably wouldn’t get it, at least, not anytime soon. So Hitoshi nods, processing what he was told, Bakugou’s words from earlier ringing in his ears. “You know… she wasn’t…” He trails off, unsure how to word this. “I noticed how she treated you,” He starts, which as a reward, Kaminari turns to look at him. “I noticed the comments she makes, how you just laugh them off when no one else does-”

“She was only joking when she called me dumb.”

“Bullshit.” Kaminari’s eyes lock with his. “You don’t call someone you care about an idiot or make fun of them for how their Quirk affects them, especially when they have no control over it.”

“I wasn’t exactly the perfect boyfriend-”

“Well maybe she wasn’t the perfect girlfriend, either.” Disbelief crosses the blond’s face. “Jirou is a nice girl, and she’s a good friend. That I don’t doubt… But-”

“But what?”

“I think you two were a bit toxic with each other, not on purpose, but you brought out different sides to each other that weren’t healthy.”

Kaminari is quiet again. Hitoshi sighs, looking up at the sky. Above them, he can see the blinking lights of an airplane in the darkness.

“... You should be with someone that respects you, Kaminari, not someone who’s gonna make you question if what you said or did was wrong or make you feel like shit for something you can’t help.”

“Like who?”

Me. Hitoshi freezes, but says nothing in response to Kaminari’s question. Nope. No. I’m not doing this. “Someone…” Me. “Someone like Sero, or Mina?”

Kaminari blinks at him before a laugh leaves his lips. And if that laugh did not make something in his chest flip… “Oh please. First of all, they’re into each other and are in denial.”

Hitoshi huffs out a laugh of his own. “And secondly?”

Kaminari holds his breath, wetting his lips. “... I- They’re practically family.”

“Maybe you can ask Mina to set you up with Aoyama.”

“Dude, that’s mean.” He turns his head in time to watch Kaminari laugh at the sky above them. He swallows, but doesn’t say anything. “Hey,” The blond looks toward him again, a grin on his face. “Denki.”

“Uh?”

“Call me Denki.”

Hitoshi looks confused. “Why?”

“You tell everyone to call you by your given name, it’s only fair that someone lets you call them by theirs, right?” He looks more relaxed now, genuinely carefree. I like it.

Hitoshi breathes out, “Nice to meet you, Denki.”

A gentle breeze cuts through them, reminding them both that it was autumn, almost winter. Hitoshi watches Kami- Denki, shiver, making him notice that he was only wearing sweats and a t-shirt.

“We should go inside.” He tells him, sitting up on his elbows.

Denki sits up, shaking his head. “No,” He drags out.

“We’re not even supposed to be out here. And just because I’m the teacher’s kid, doesn’t mean I get special privileges.”

Then he pouts. Denki Kaminari was pouting, it made Hitoshi crack a smile as he stood up. “Boo.” Denki huffs, moving to stand up. He wobbles, and out of reflex, Hitoshi moves to steady him, his hands on his waist.

How he manages to bite down the blush that threatened to show itself, he doesn’t know. But Denki wasn’t as lucky. The blond looks up at him, a grin on his lips and a taunt in his eyes. “Damn, I just got out of a relationship, ‘Toshi. Patience.” He laughs.

Hitoshi doesn’t respond, his grip on Denki’s hips were loose, he could easily slip away from him but he didn’t. Now, it was no longer Bakugou’s voice echoing in his ear, but Denki’s.

“Like who?” Me.

“Hitoshi?” Denki looks up at him, brows furrowed. He brings Hitoshi out of his thoughts long enough for him to notice Denki’s hands hovering over his chest. Fucking hell…

Hitoshi drops his hands and steps back, biting down the gulp. “Right, sorry. Come on,” He nods toward the window they crawled out of. “If we don’t freeze, my dad will definitely give us detention.”

Denki stares at him for a moment, before rolling his eyes and begins making his way toward the window. “I’m pretty sure your dad would stick us in a freezer for detention just to make a point.”

“If only you knew how much of a softy he actually is.”

Once they made their way back inside, and Hitoshi had closed the window behind them, they made their way back to their rooms. Both stopped in front of their doors, and Hitoshi finally had a clearer look now that they were in the light, he frowned at the sight of the growing eyebags under his eyes.

Yeah, nope.

As Denki opened his door, Hitoshi slid past him, and the purple-haired boy immediately went to the mess of papers that lay scattered around his bed. Denki watched as he picked up his papers, confused.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure you don’t pass out in class tomorrow.” Hitoshi told him, grabbing an empty folding (which he assumed was where these papers were from) to store his homework. “This is coming with me and-” He adds as Denki opens his mouth to argue. “- I will help you finish it or fix it before class tomorrow. Okay?”

“Hypocrite.” Hitoshi raises a brow at him. “I know damn well that you don’t sleep either.”

“I’m better than I used to be.” He admits, a bit shyly at that. “But just because I do it, doesn’t mean I’m gonna let you do the same shit. Now go to bed.”

Denki scoffs, playfully rolling his eyes to add to the dramatics. “Fine, dad. I’m going to sleep.”

And just to play along, Hitoshi pats Denki on the head, telling him “goodnight” before heading back to his room across the hall.

As the door shuts, he leans back against the wood and looks down at the folder in his hands. “... You should be with someone that respects you, Kaminari, not someone who’s gonna make you question if what you said or did was wrong or make you feel like shit for something you can’t help.”

“Like who?”

Me.

A sigh leaves him. Hitoshi sets the folder down on the corner of his desk before jumping into bed. I’m not dealing with this.

24 notes · View notes

ujimoo · 2 years ago

Text

For Tonight, For The Weekend, Forever. | KSM

synopsis: going home for your childhood friend's wedding was the easy part, however, facing him was something else entirely.

pairings: seungmin x fem!reader, jisung x OC, chan x OC.

includes: past love, first love, angst, best friend!Jisung, weekend romance, heartbreak, second-chance romance.

WARNING: mention of mature themes, suggestive - implied sex, but no actual smut. mature jokes (one death joke, sex jokes), drinking, mentions of eating and multiple restaurant 'eating scenes', maybe more i’ve missed - let me know if i have

word count: 24,976

a.n. Here it is! My longest fic I have ever written for tumblr. As I said in the teaser, this original idea comes from the song Tis The Damn Season by Taylor Swift, however, as you can tell, it's changed a lot since the original idea. ALSO, I just want to say a massive thank you to Galaxy from @plutominho for being my best friend, the greatest editor, the best person to brainstorm with and for being my number one supporter, I love you so much more than I could possibly describe. Thank you for putting up with me when it came to writing this fic and thank you for putting up with me in general haha.

a.a.n. parts in all italics are flashbacks!!

permanent tag list: @awooghan @soobin-chois @curlytxe @treetops68 @minniee-bear

tag list: @smally97 @blueleventprint @heeverseblog

It’s the sounds of typing coming from your best friend Gwen’s laptop that keep you awake– barely. Looking down at the book that was led out on the desk in front of you, you sigh. Your brain feels numb and everything you read leaves your mind the moment you look away.

It doesn’t help that the library you’re currently sitting in was eerily quiet. Sure, it was late and many other students had given up on studying at this point and you couldn’t blame them, but at the same time. It was almost too quiet.

“Did you get the invite to the wedding?” Gwen’s voice causes you to jump out of your skin. The sound of Gwen’s bubblegum-like voice definitely wakes you up.

Rubbing your eyes with the back of your hands, you question her. “Get what?”

“The invite,” Gwen says slowly. “To Mina and Chan’s wedding.”

Shrugging and pushing the book away from you. You lean back against your seat.

“I don’t know,” you starts. “Maybe, I haven’t checked my mail in a few days.”

Glancing over at Gwen, who smiles a small smile, you copy her.

“Well make sure to check, Mina will kill you if you don’t go,” Gwen laughs.

You nod your head as you begin to shove your now discarded books into your bag. It was late and you had had enough of trying to study now.

“Yeah yeah, I know, I’ll check,” you hum. “Also, make sure not to stay here too late. At least get that Dofus you call a boyfriend-...”

Gwen quickly cuts you off, “not my boyfriend.”

This was enough to cause you to mentally face-palm. Shaking your head, you put your backpack over your shoulders.

“Either way, don’t walk home alone in the dark.”

“Yeah yeah,” Gwen says. “Just make sure to catch up on sleep okay? And actually, eat something good for once!”

You don’t look back at your best friend, but raise a hand to signal that you had in fact heard her last words and made your way back to your apartment.

Your apartment was small and outdated. The air was dry, yet somehow, you were sure there was mould growing in the corner of your living room and whilst you knew you should call your landlord, you just couldn’t be bothered.

Not long now, you thought to yourself.

It wasn’t long until you could move out and move on from the place for good. It wasn’t long until you could get a better one, maybe one closer to home. Somewhere where the rent wasn’t as hefty.

Somewhere that actually kept the warmth in.

Letting your bag drop onto the small couch and you ran a hand through your hair. It wasn’t until a moment later that you remembered about having to check your mailbox. You didn’t want to, maybe you could make up some excuse that you forgot or that you misplaced your mailbox key, but you knew Gwen wouldn't stand for it.

“Shit,” you mumble, grabbing your keys once more and heading back out the door.

Thankfully, you only lived on the first floor, so it wasn’t that much of a journey down to the postroom.

The main entrance and the postroom were completely different to the rest of the building. They were in pristine condition compared to literally everywhere else. As if the main entrance was to lure you in. That’s how it happened to you at least, with promises of how the rest of the building would one day look like the polished main entrance.

Promises that were never kept.

Going over to your personal mailbox, you take the key and unlock it. There wasn’t much in there like you normally assumed. The usual; bills, junk mail, more bills. However, wedged between two letters was the card you had been looking for.

A white card sprayed with gold edges. It was definitely it.

Delicately turning it around and you smile lightly at the fancy lettering. This was definitely the type of invite one Kim Mina would send.

‘You are invited to the wedding of Kim Mina and Bang Chan’.

Closing your mailbox and quickly locking it back up. You make your way back up to your apartment. Carefully placing the invite onto your mantel above your non-working fireplace and stare at it for a moment.

Then the moment passes and you grab your backpack once more and head straight for your bedroom. There was a lot to think about when it came to the wedding, the most notable being who would be in attendance. That thought was something you didn’t want, so for now, you’d ignore it– until you couldn’t anymore.

→→

The second time Gwen asks about the invite, you’re both walking between classes. Whilst you weren’t the same majors, you were lucky enough to finish classes at the same time. So, that’s what you would do every Wednesday since you both started that year of university:

You’d finish class at the same time, meet at the main entrance to the building, Gwen would walk with you to your next class and then Gwen would wait around for her boyfriend, that isn’t her boyfriend– long story– jisung to meet her after his own class finished at 5 pm.

“So did you get the invite or not?” Gwen asks. “You never said anything about it last time.”

Pulling your bag straps closer to the middle of your chest, you hum in response. “Oh yeah, I got it.”

Gwen makes a face, basically telling you to continue, but you decide to stay silent.

“And?!” Gwen gasps. “You’re going to have to respond soon, Mina will be pissed if you don’t go, you know this.”

“I know!” you whine. “It’s just, I know I’ll see him.”

“And?” Gwen repeats. “This is our best friend since childhood’s wedding. Don’t let her dumb brother make you miss out on something like that and anyway,” Gwen gulps. “I’d be more scared of Mina’s wrath of you missing her wedding than of you having to face him for like four days.”

You sink into yourself at the thought of it, “true.”

Seeing him was one thing, but Mina’s wrath was a whole other thing entirely. The one way to describe that of Kim Mina and that was the devil in human form. Sure, she was the kindest person you and Gwen had ever met. Mina would do anything for anyone she cared about, however, Mina was blunt. She was more than blunt, she was ruthless and said things how she saw them. She couldn’t sugarcoat things just to sugarcoat, but that’s what made her words mean so much more.

All the Kim siblings were one and the same, like carbon copies of each other. Mina, her twin brother and their younger brother, Seungmin. Aka the man you didn’t want to see.

“If you really don’t want to go, then you don’t have to.” Gwen pats you on the shoulder. “But remember what I said, don’t let him be the reason for missing out on something like this. She’s only ever going to have one wedding.”

Stopping outside of the building of your next class. You nod your head.

“You’re right– and don’t say I told you so,” you quickly add when you see the look of mischief on Gwen’s face. “I’ll tell her I’m going tonight when I get home.”

“Good,” Gwen smiles. “You can drive down with me and Ji.”

You instantly let out a groan as you lean your head back., “And listen to you flirt fight or whatever the heck it is you do for like six hours?”

“We do not do that!” Gwen rolls her eyes. “And hey, it’s up to you, I was just thinking it would save you gas money…”

you give in instantly. Screw gas prices and their ways of rising prices. Can’t they just think of students for once?

“Fine! But I swear to God if you guys flirt the whole way I’m going to scream.”

Gwen pushes you in the direction of the doors and repeats herself. “We don’t and we won’t!”

you found it hard to believe her, but you decide that it was easier just to give in.

→→

By the time you got home, it was dark and you felt sticky and damp. With the changing of the weather, you had begun to dress more warmly in the morning only for you to be sweating your ass off by the time midday rolled around. To be fair, you did this every year, but still, you never learnt.

The feeling of having to go up one flight of stairs was enough to make you feel mad. Pulling off your hat, your frizzy hair springs up at the lack of force smothering it down. Shoving it into your bag, you put your keys in between your lips for a minute as you struggle to take off your scarf and shove that in there too.

Taking your keys from your lips and rushing towards your door, and unlock it. Stripping off your coat in record time, you let that and your bag fall to the floor. As you stumble to the bathroom, you take off your trousers and let them trail behind you. Flicking the light on, you head straight for your shower, turn it on and as you wait for it to heat up, you go to your bedroom to get yourself a set of pyjamas for after your much-needed shower.

The shower was nice, it was everything you needed after the day you had. You were thankful that you were able to wash away your worries about the wedding and how you were able to reminisce on the words Gwen had told you and you were even able to practice what you were going to say when you would inevitably call Mina later that night.

You turn off the shower and step out, shivering at the cold as you wrap yourself up in your towel. You dry yourself, putting on some underwear and your pyjamas. Not bothering with anything like body cream, you make your way back through the hallway, picking up your discarded trouser, your coat as well as your bag. Hanning up your coat, and resting your bag on the couch, you threw your dirty trouser into the washing basket before going back to dig your phone out of the depths of your bag.

Scrolling through the notifications on the lock screen, you ignore the notifications that were from useless apps you even forgot you had, like random tweet alerts from Twitter, video notifications from youtube and focused more on your text message alerts.

There was a string of texts from a group chat you have with Gwen and jisung and you make sure to click on that one first.

Wannabe Spiderman: 4:55 pm

Gwen told me ur riding with us to the wedding… sick!

Princess Gwen<3: 4:56 pm

Never say that again, you’re such a dork.

Wannabe Spiderman: 4:56 pm

U hurt my feelings, that is so not sick!

Princess Gwen<3: 4:57 pm

I hate you omg

Giggling away at Gwen and Jisung’s exchanges, you type out your own message before quickly hitting send.

y/nnie stupid: 6:02 pm

Weren’t you guys together at this point?

Also, who changed my nickname?

Princess Gwen<3: 6:03 pm

Yes, and who do you think?

y/nnie stupid: 6:04 pm

The dofus?

Princess Gwen<3: 6:04 pm

DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!

Wannabe Spiderman: 6:06 pm

I feel like u guys just like ganging up on me

Just say ur jealous of my great nicknaming skills and go

y/nnie stupid: 6:07 pm

Sure we are, sooo jealous.

Wannabe Spiderman: 6:08 pm

BULLIES ! all of you !

Rolling your eyes and laughing at jisung’s texts and you back out of the message chain before clicking into a private one between you and Gwen.

Gwen<3: 6:02 pm

I know you’re worried about this whole wedding thing and having to see ******** again, but it’ll be okay. I’ll fight him for you and you know Mina wouldn’t want anything bad to happen either.

y/nnie<3: 6:09 pm

Did you really censor his name?

Gwen<3: 6:10 pm

Of course, I did. He makes you upset so he must not be named in our sacred texts.

y/nnie<3: 6:10 pm

Lol, i love you

Gwen<3: 6:11 pm

Love you too<3

But, for real, the wedding will be okay, you won’t even have to leave my side if it makes you feel better. I have my own room at the hotel, we can just share so you won’t have to be alone?

y/nnie<3: 6:13 pm

Okay, would love that. I need to call Mina before it gets too late, but I’ll tell you how it goes at some point later.

Try not to kill sung when I’m gone.

Gwen<3: 6:15 pm

Yeah, you must!

And no promises<3

Closing the app, you soon pull up Mina’s contact and let your thumb hover over the call button.

It was now or never. You had to, you couldn’t push this off any longer even if you wanted to– which if you could, you probably would.

Clicking call, you hold it up to your ear as you bite at the skin around your thumbnail on your other hand in anticipation. It felt like the ringing tone was mocking you– if it could even mock you? You weren’t so sure anymore.

The call clicked through and the bright voice of Mina rang through your speakers and into your ears.

“y/nnie!” Mina exclaims. “How are you?”

Humming, you smile as you respond,. “I’m good, how are you?”

“Good, I’m good too.”

you can practically hear Mina smiling through the phone and you’re is inclined to try and match it.

“So, what are you calling for?” Mina asks.

you quickly respond, “about the wedding!”

“Ah, great! Calling to say you’re coming right? Cause I already have you set down as so.”

you laugh and attempt to nod your head before realising Mina couldn’t see you. You knew Mina would do this, you knew that she knew you would go regardless of how you felt.

“Yes yes, I’m coming so don’t think otherwise.”

“Good,” Mina hums. “I was worried for a second there when you hadn’t responded to the invite that you weren’t going to.”

“No, I’m coming.”

“You better, I’ll hunt you down otherwise,” Mina adds before letting out a laugh.

“Yeah, I know you would.” you laugh too. “And good for me, I am going so no need to get the hunting tools out.”

You can hear movement in the background and Mina soon turns her attention back to your conversation.

“I gotta go y/nnie, I’m sorry, Chan is going to be back soon and I’m in the middle of preparing dinner.”

“Okay,” you respond quickly. “I need to do some food too.”

“Yeah, you do,” Mina states. “And make sure it’s something other than ramen this time around.”

Rolling your eyes, you hum, however, you couldn’t fight her because she wasn’t wrong. “Yes, mother.”

Sharing a laugh, you both quickly say your goodbyes and end the call. You were actually starting to get hungry. Mina mentioning food had made you realise it and thankfully you had actually gone shopping for once, a few days beforehand. So, you definitely had something other than ramen that night.

→→

You weren’t sure how you ended up aimlessly wandering around at some house party. Gwen had dragged both you and Jisung there as a way to 'celebrate' the that it was the beginning of the final year, but she promptly went off somewhere leaving you and Jisung alone. That was until jisung saw something or someone and disappeared without you even knowing.

Sure parties were fun, and you liked a good party now and then, but as you stood idly, on the front porch, hoping to catch a glimpse of either of your best friends, the party had lost its spark.

The air was still cold and your knitted jumper did just a good enough job of shielding you from it, but even with your sweater paws, every now and then a shiver would run down your spine. You wondered if it would be a good time to walk home. Sure you knew, that it was dark and it was a dumb and dangerous idea to walk by yourself, especially without informing your two best friends, but even after an hour at least, you still hadn't found them.

It was boring, you were bored. You just wanted to go home and find something to watch and prayed that you kept yourself warm enough so you didn't catch a cold.

"You alright?" You jump at the sudden voice next to you and turn around to see Seungmin with a concerned look on his face.

You knew Seungmin– well knew him a bit, you had had classes together all throughout high school, but something in you changed within the last year that made you look at him differently. You weren't sure what it was exactly, but something about him made your heart flutter.

"I'm okay," you smile. "I lost my friends, I thinking of heading home." You laugh at your words.

"On your own?" He asks and you nod in response. "But it's dangerous, what if something happens?"

"Eh," you push your lips into a thin line. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"A lot of things?" He responds to your rhetorical question.

Turning your body to face him, you smile. "I'll be fine, plus if you're worried so much you could always walk me back?"

Seungmin blinks and the sides of his mouth lift into a smile, one that makes your own even wider. You shocked yourself at your own confidence, but what surprised you more was the fact he agreed.

"Okay," he hums. "I'll walk with you."

"You sure?" You ask, pointing casually at the front door. "Not worried about leaving the party so soon?"

He shakes his head and motions for you to lead the way. "Nah, the party doesn't seem to compare now."

The walk back with him was an experience like no other and Seungmin is almost charming, showering you with compliments. Saying how the walk back with you is more fun than he's had in the past hour and a half he had been back at the party.

So when you slow down and stop outside of your house, it's sad. You didn't want to part ways with him just yet, this was the most you had spoken to him in one go, and you didn't want it to end so early.

Turning to him once again, you smile. "Thank you for walking back with me."

"Thank you for your company," he smiles.

Looking up at him, your smile doesn't leave your face and his own seemed to mimic yours.

You couldn't tell how long you had both been standing there, looking at each other, but just like the walk, you didn't want it to end. He steps forward, leaning his face closer ever so slightly and whispers. "Can I say goodnight?"

Butterflies erupt in your chest as you question, "In what way?."

“A special way, with your consent of course,” he responds.

He doesn’t wait for you to finish nodding.

Your first kiss with Seungmin is short and sweet and you can taste a hint of cola on his lips.

It didn’t matter that you had nothing to compare it to, but something in your heart knew that you'd never want to kiss anyone else if it wasn't Seungmin's lips on yours.

→→

Wannabe Spiderman: 10:05 am

We’re on our way now bishh

Gwen is yelling at me already, so pls be ready :D

y/nnie stupid: 10:06 am

I’m ready and honestly, you probably deserve it

Wannabe Spiderman: 10:06 am

What is it with u guys and bullying me…

y/nnie stupid: 10:07 am

Love u too<3

Princess Gwen<3: 10:09 am

WTF I DIDNT YELL AT YOU YOU LIAR

y/nnie stupid: 10:09 am

Focus on the road?!?!!!

Wannabe Spiderman: 10:10 am

She was at a stoplight

And she did btw

y/nnie SHE JUST HIT ME

SHE DID IT AGAIN

y/nnie stupid: 10:12 am

Please don’t kill each other before we’ve even left, thanks<3

You finish typing out the text, hit send and roll your eyes as you lock your phone before slipping it into the pocket of your coat. Grabbing the small suitcase you packed basically the night before, you open and hold the door open with your foot as you try to wrangle your way out. Succeeding, you let out a huff and begin to roll the suitcase to the stairs and quickly make your way to ground level and out onto the main road.

By the time it took you to get outside, Gwen was already parked up with the trunk of her car open. She’s leant over it, clearing the bags back up so there’s a space for your stuff

“Where’s the dofus?” you laugh, your suitcase coming to a stop beside your feet.

Rolling her eyes, Gwen motions to the space in the trunk for your suitcase. “I sent him down the street for coffee. I need it, especially for this trip.”

Lifting up your suitcase, you attempt to slot it into the free place and your mind begins to wander. It had been a month since you had originally called Mina to tell her that you would be attending her wedding and for the first week since then, you genuinely felt okay, you felt good– really good. However, the past few days had been different. It was like all of your anxieties were inside of you waiting to escape– just like a shaken-up coke can.

Your hands go up to close the trunk, however, it slips from your fingers and slams shut. This causes you to jump in surprise. Standing there, staring at the girl with a concerned look, Gwen tilts her head slightly.

“You good, y/nnie?” she asks.

You quickly nod, your thoughts coming back to you. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

Gwen continues to look at you but decides to move on for a moment as she checks to make sure the trunk is properly closed before going around to get into the driver's seat. Looking over the top of the car at you, Gwen finally speaks once more.

“Please sit in the front, I can’t deal with Ji’s yapping in my ear constantly for six hours.”

bursting into laughter and clapping your hands together, you nod.. “Will do.”

You both get into the car and you turn to the blonde-headed girl next to you.

“I’d say, if I didn’t know you I’d say you despised Ji.”

Gwen lets out a groan, rolling her eyes as she looks at the steering wheel in front of her.

“I don’t hate him, you know I don’t hate him,” Gwen sighs. “He just frustrates me.”

“Because you love him and don’t know how to tell him.”

Gwen’s head snaps in your direction. “I don’t love him! God, why would I love him?! He’s just a goddamn idiot.”

Staring back at her with a blank expression, you blink. “Could you be any more of a tsundere?”

Gwen mimics her words and makes a face to herself in disbelief. She stares out of the large window and down the street. Looking out for jisung making his way back to the car.

“And don’t try and distract me, I know you’re acting weird and that your mind is going crazy on you,” Gwen explains.

“I’m fine,” you fake a laugh. “Finer than fine.”

Gwen snorts a laugh, “Bullshit! You’re freaking out because now you really have to go to Mina’s wedding, and see Seungmin and there’s no way for you to back out.”

Feeling your cheeks begin to heat up, you look away and try to focus on something else. You don’t even try to deny Gwen’s claims, especially since she was right.

“And you’re not even fighting me on it,” Gwen tuts. “Seriously, babe, I’ll beat him up if he tries anything. I have your back.”

You scoff and look back over to the blonde. “You couldn’t hurt anyone even if you tried.”

Mimicking her words again, Gwen rolls her eyes. “Well, it’s the thought that counts.”

“But is it though?” you ask rhetorically.

“Look, we both know jisung couldn’t hurt a fly, so it’s up to me to be the badass of the group.”

“That’s automatically Mina’s role,” you add. “And you love to burn him when he isn’t even here to defend himself.”

“Well, she’s not here right now is she? and of course I do, I need to get serotonin from somewhere.”

“You need to stop being so mean to him,” you laugh causing Gwen to shrug.

“He knows I don’t mean it,” Gwen responds, looking down to fiddle with her fingers in her lap.

“Who knows you don’t mean it?” jisung’s voice causes both of you to jump out of your skin. Gwen looks around to see jisung is leant up against the car door, peering through the window with a tray of coffees in one hand.

“Coffee,” Gwen hums, instantly going to grab one. “And no one it doesn’t matter.”

jisung raises an eyebrow and looks over at you and just shrug your shoulders. Pouting, he looks back over to Gwen. “I thought I was sitting in the front?”

“You’ve been demoted,” she says sipping away at her coffee. you weren’t sure you had even seen the girl as happy as she was with a coffee in her hand.

“Fine,” jisung huffs. “I got you a caramel latte, y/nnie.”

“And you’re the best,” you smile, leaning over to grab the hot drink from him.

Getting into the back seat, jisung leans forward between the two front seats. “So what were you two lovely ladies talking about just then?” Jisung cheekily smiles. “Gossiping about how you’re both deeply in love with me and can’t decide who should get the honour of dating me?”

Gwen rolls her eyes and fakes a gag. “God, you’re obnoxious, you wish.”

“You’re not my one-of-a-kind type of guy, sorry Ji,” you laugh, sending him a look..

“Well, I’ll have–” Jisung begins to speak, however, Gwen covers his mouth with her hand causing the rest of his sentence to come out in muffles.

“We weren’t talking about that and don’t press on it okay?” Gwen asks.

Gasping, Gwen quickly pulls her hand back before hitting Jisung in the shoulder.

Looking back and forth between the two of you,, Jisung sighs. His eyes settle on you and frowns. “This is about Min isn’t it?”

“Jisung!”

“It’s fine!” you laugh. “It’s not like he doesn’t know anything about it.”

Pushing his head back through the gap in the two front seats, he smiles, patting you on the shoulder. “I can protect you y/nnie, don’t worry.”

It only takes one shared look between you and Gwen to turn to him, blink and burst into laughter.

“What?! Why are you guys laughing?! I can protect her!”

“You-” you hiccup as you try to speak. “You’d cry if he even looked at you the wrong way.”

Jisung rolls his eyes as you both soon start to calm down, however, when you guys look at him again, both of your laughter start back up.

“Bullies,” jisung mutters to himself, leaning back into the seat with his arms crossed. “All of you.”

Gwen wipes her eyes, turning her attention towards the steering wheel. “Okay, okay,” she repeats as she tries to calm down. “We need to get going if we want to be there before nightfall.”

“Want me to play the tunes?” Jisung asks, popping his head through the gap once more. You weren’t sure where the boy got his energy from, part of you didn’t want to know. You were just thankful he decided not to drink coffee otherwise he would have been bouncing off the car walls.

“No!” Gwen cries as she starts the car. “You’ll play those stupid meme songs and you’ve been playing them nonstop already.”

“You just have bad taste,” jisung snaps back, making Gwen gasp.

“Taylor Swift is not bad taste and you know it,” Gwen laughs. “Mr let's be up at midnight so we can listen to midnights.”

jisung stays quiet and Gwen scoffs to herself and mumbles something that you're unable to hear. Shaking your head, you turn to watch the world pass you by through the window.

→→

“Can we stop to go to the bathroom?” Jisung complains from the back seat.

“Why didn’t you go when we stopped literally half an hour ago?” you laugh as you ask him, looking over your shoulder.

Jisung groans, sinking into his seat. “Because I didn’t need to go then!”

“You’re a child!” Gwen cries.

“I’m older than you!” Jisung cries back.

“By two days!”

“Can we please stop, I need to go really bad!” Jisung begins to whine, stopping a foot. “Like I can’t even hold it, I could–”

“Don’t you dare,” Gwen hisses, glaring at him through the review mirror. “The next stop is in ten minutes, so you better hold it otherwise if you piss in my car I’m leaving you there to rot.”

“Okay, okay!” jisung responds.

Watching from the sidelines, you giggle as you look back at a fidgeting jisung and then over at Gwen, you swore you could see the steam trying to escape her ears.

It was a bit longer than ten minutes before Gwen pulls the car over and stops in one of the service stations and as soon as the car is stopped and off, Jisung unbuckles his belt and is off and out of the car in a flash.

“At least we can get snacks?” you try and reassure her.

Nodding along, Gwen takes her keys and opens her door and before she gets out, she turns to you. “And we’re not sharing them with him.”

Laughing, you follow along behind her, making your way into the little shopping centre.

Going into one of the general stores, Gwen wanders away as, you pick up a basket and begin to throw in a bunch of random snacks in there for both you and Gwen– and Jisung. Eventually finding you again, Gwen’s arms are now full of bottles of cold coffee and a few bottles of pop.

“Don’t you want some water?” you ask as Gwen dumps all of the bottles into the basket.

“I’ll have water when I’m dead,” she responds.

Your eyebrows furrow together and you blink in confusion. “That’s not even the saying.”

“Eh,” she shrugs. “Too bad.”

Continuing to slowly make your way around the store and to waste time whilst you were waiting for Jisung to use the bathroom, you look over things you knew you wouldn’t buy.

With Gwen following behind you this time, she clears her throat. “How are you feeling?”

“Is this your way of seeing if I’m going to have an emotional breakdown anytime soon?”

With a blank face, Gwen stares at you when you look away from the shelf and at her.

“No, it’s just we’re like three hours away and just wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling too bad.”

You shrug. You were trying not to think about it, because if you thought about it then the shaken can of your emotions would explode. You didn’t want that, Gwen and Jisung didn’t want that and Mina, Chan and everyone else didn’t want that either.

“I’m fine,” you say with a sigh.

“You haven’t seen him since he left,” Gwen states and you nod along.

“I know Gwen,” you say laughing. “I was there.”

“It’s just, I haven’t said it yet, but it’s okay to be nervous.”

You nod and hum for the nth time. “Thanks, Gwen, I mean it.”

Gwen doesn’t say much but picks up another item before putting it into the basket and you have to shift the weight by holding onto it with your arm. Gwen sees your struggle and takes the basket from you and you both walk over to the self-service. Scanning your items and paying for them. You split the bags between the both of you and start to make your way back to Gwen’s car.

Exiting the large front doors of the service station, you stop when you see Jisung, sitting on the hood of Gwen’s car with a gigantic cup of a drink from the fast food place.

“That brat,” Gwen hisses. “I swear to God if he complains he needs to piss again in twenty minutes, I’m kicking him out of the car.”

You can’t help but laugh and you laugh even more when Jisung finally notices you both at the door and starts waving frantically at you both.

“I can’t believe I like that fool,” Gwen tries to mumble to herself, but you catch it with a gasp.

“I heard that!” You smile wide. “You finally said it! You like him!”

Her eyes narrow as she snaps her head in your direction. “You. Heard. Nothing.”

“Oh no,” You giggle, walking backwards in the direction of the car as you continue to look at her. “I definitely heard it.”

“I swear to God y/n, I’ll leave you here too.”

“Maybe that’s what I want, ever thought of that?”

“You asshole,” Gwen hisses, following after you.

“I won’t say anything,” you smile cheekily. “Yet.” You add before turning around and running over to the car.

“What’s up, ladies?” Jisung asks, taking a long sip of his drink when you stop in front of the car.

Gwen doesn’t look at either of you before opening her car door and throwing the bags inside. Looking up at Jisung once, her eyes narrow at him.

“If you complain you need to piss again in half an hour, you’re dead.”

“Got it.” He salutes.

Getting off of the hood of the car, he tries his best to look inside the carrier bags. “Got any snacks for me too?”

“No/Yes,” Both you and Gwen say at the same time.

“I thought we said we wouldn’t share!” Gwen gasps.

“I felt bad!” You whine.

“Thank you y/nnie,” Jisung says, patting you on the back. “At least one of you cares about me to get me snacks.”

“Shut up Dofus,” Gwen rolls her eyes as she gets into the car and closes the door behind her.

“She does care,” you hum at Jisung, making him laugh.

“I know,” he smiles. “It’s just fun pissing her off.”

Rolling your eyes, you open the passenger side door. “You two are unbelievable.”

→→

Resting your head in your palm, your eyes linger on the boy who was sitting at another table across from you in the dining hall. Your heart swirls when he makes eye contact and smiles before looking away.

“Why haven’t you asked him out yet?” Jisung asks, moving to the seat in front of you, blocking the boy from view.

Your eyebrows furrow, and tilting your head, you send a look of confusion in Jisung’s direction. “Who?”

His face is blank like he just mentally face-palmed ten times over. He knew that you knew who he was on about, but he still gave in to your little charade. Resting his arms on the table, he leans forward and attempts to whisper, “Seungmin.”

“Do you have to say it so loud?!” You hiss, pushing him away from you.

He shrugs, picking up some of the leftover food that was on your tray. “Eh, I tried.”

“You’re a pain in the ass,” you respond.

“Who’s a pain in the ass?” Gwen asks, falling into the seat next to you with her tray of food.

“Jisung–”

“Say no more,” Gwen simply responds.

When Jisung leans over to bug Gwen, you look back over to Seungmin and you smile at the way he looks over at you and slyly motions with his hand for you to leave the dining room.

Looking back over to Jisung and Gwen, you clear your throat. “I forgot I had to do something before our next class, so I’ll just meet you there.” You said, getting up from out of your seat.

Both of your best friends raise their eyebrows at you in suspicion.

“Going where?” Gwen asks.

“Just to the library, I’ll meet you at class,” and before they get another word out, you through your backpack over your shoulder and quickly make your way out of the dining hall and down the hallway.

It wasn’t until you were a good distance away, that a hand-pulled you into an empty storage closet.

Giggling, you lean up against the door and up at the culprit.

“Hey,”

“Hi, Min,” you smile, as his fingers entwine with your own.

Seungmin stands above you, a smile playing on his lips. He squeezes your hand and takes the smallest step closer to you, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” you hum. “My friends are starting to get suspicious about me randomly disappearing, I can't tell if they're picking up on what we're doing.”

Chuckling, he raises an eyebrow at your statement and leans in to place a kiss on your cheek. “Really?”

You nod, leaning into his touch.

Seungmin holds the kiss for a second before pulling back. “That’s…” he pursed his lips together. “That’s… wow.”

“Yeah.” You hesitated before you continued.

it had been six months, five hours and forty-three minutes since the first time Seungmin had kissed you. Not that you would ever let him know that you knew it down to the minute, but ever since, Seungmin would pull you into random storage closets or empty classrooms whenever he wanted attention. If you were all around your friends, he'd try his best to find signals to get you to sneak away with him without anyone knowing.

Sure, it was fun, but at the same time, it was hard trying to hide it from everyone you cared about most. Especially when those said friends knew of your feelings for the boy. You just couldn't get a grasp on how he felt in return. It confused you and made you wonder about how he truly felt about you.

"What would I say if they figured it out?" You asked. "How would I explain it? Us? Are we even…?"

You didn't finish your sentence and even in the dark closet, you catch Seungmin’s eyes widen in panic. He made eye contact with you for a second, but let his eyes fall to the floor just as quickly. “Um…”

Your heart drops to your stomach.

Seungmin notices a dejected glint in your eye as you push your lips together and sigh. “Listen, Y/N…”

You didn’t need to hear more; that was enough of an answer. But you were too frozen to do anything else.

"We're having fun," Seungmin tries to explain, however, it was going in one ear and out the other. "Why need to explain what's going on?"

Blinking, you nod. You couldn't say anything, it was like your mind had gone into emergency shutdown mode and you couldn't bring yourself to say a word– you couldn't. And it was like you could feel little cracks in your heart forming and everything Seungmin continued to say was like an ice pick chipping away at the already-formed lines.

"Why do they need to know our business?" This was the final blow to the ice pick he has to your heart. "Y/N..."

"It's fine." Clearing your throat, you nod and finally gain the courage to look him in the eye. There was a look in his eyes that you couldn't begin to describe, "I get it Seungmin."

Your eyes feel glassy and you blink so quickly to try and stop them from spilling over onto your cheeks. Your hand goes limp in his. He doesn't say anything, just watches you-- examines you and you finally look away.

"I need to get to class,"

You step away from him. His hand tightens around yours, but you pull it away.

"Y/N."

"I get it Seungmin, I need to go."

You quickly leave the storage closet and thankfully the hallway is empty. Hiccupping, the tears finally fall from your eyes and you wipe them away just as quickly.

The door opens again and his footsteps fill your ears. They stop for a moment and part of you wishes that he'd come over, apologise and tell you that he'd shout about you and each other from the rooftops. However, that doesn't happen and the footsteps start up again but then get quieter and quieter before they disappear completely and the sobs you've been desperately holding in escape your lips.

→→

The sun was starting to dip below the horizon and the sky was a mix of pinks and purples. At some point during the final hours of the journey, Jisung had fallen asleep in the back seat and Gwen had turned down whatever music she had on to not disturb him. You on the other hand still had your head lead up against the window, watching the world go by.

Originally, Gwen had curated a perfect road trip playlist that captured in her words, ‘the vibes needed for one such road trip’. However, after about four and a half hours into the drive, Gwen throws her phone at you for you to change the music into something more lively.

Gwen turns the music down more, so it’s almost inaudible.

“Did Mina tell you?” She questions.

Looking over at the blonde, you respond. “Tell me what?”

“She-” Gwen clears her throat. “She wants to hold a reunion dinner tomorrow night for the seven of us.”

You blink in shock a couple of times before sinking into your seat. “Nope. She did not.”

You gaze out the window again, attempting to distract yourself with the way the scenery changed from open fields to more dense town life.

Gwen glances at you and sighs. “Y/N…”

“Don’t.” You sigh. God, this is going to suck.

“It’ll be okay.”

“Will it?” Your mind is swarming with all the possible ways the dinner could go wrong. All of them involved your sort-of-an-ex.

“Plus, you have a whole day to prepare!”

She said it so optimistically. Your brain had already gotten accustomed to the fact that you would see him in three days. Now that time has been shortened to about 24 hours. Not even three years of forgetting he exists could prepare you for that.

You wish you could’ve just wiped him out from your memory. Maybe if you never remembered what happened, things would be different. Maybe it would be like a fresh start.

The hotel was a fairly fancy one, with large pillars around the entrance. You almost expected it to have a doorman to open and close doors as guests come and go.

The winter air quickly nips at your nose as soon as you get out of the car and all three of you rush to the trunk to get your things out so you can head inside.

In the next second, you’re all inside the festive-looking reception. There’s a large green tree decorated in the corner with fake gifts positioned under it.

The reception desk itself is also decorated to the nines, with lights hung up underneath the counter side and fake snow lining the floor. It also has its own little tree with a bowl of candies next to it for guests to take as they pleased.

As you enter you can hear faint jazz coming through the glass doors leading into what you assumed was a bar. The whole atmosphere was so relaxed that it put you at ease. So relaxed in fact, it let all thoughts slip from your mind as Gwen checks the both of you in.

The whole time, Jisung is clinging onto Gwen like a tired baby. Gwen tried to brush him off at first but quickly gave up once she saw he wasn’t going to move. Even after she’s done with your room and Jisung has to check into his own, he’s not moved a budge.

It's only when you guys have to take your stuff and walk to the elevators does he let her escape his grasp.

Waiting for the elevator feels antagonistically long considering you’re tired and have been stuck in the car for six-plus hours. Never had you been so excited to get into a room, fall onto the bed and let sleep guide you into dreamland. You couldn’t think about anything else about how good being in bed and sleeping the night away would feel.

Life seemed to have other plans for you though as the doors to the elevator opened and your body went into full alert.

Life hated you, it was official. This is why you weren’t allowed nice things.

The doors opened to show an equally as tired Seungmin with his older brother Minho.

There goes having even a day to prepare, you thought to yourself.

When his eyes seem to land and focus on you, it takes a second for him to react. However, Minho is faster at reacting than he is.

“What’s up guys!” the older boy smiles. “Long time no see!”

“You’re telling me,” Jisung laughs, pulling Minho into a hug. “I’ve missed your face.”

Pulling away slightly, Minho smirks at Jisung, “and I’ve missed yours.”

“You always know how to make someone blush!” Jisung chuckles, taken to the older boy's smooth words.

Whilst this is all going on, Seungmin’s eyes are trained on you and you begin to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. You can’t tell which is worse, him speaking to you or him not saying anything at all. Part of you didn’t even want to stay to hear what he had to say– if he had anything to.

You’d think after three years, maybe even a hi would be acceptable.

You were being a hypocrite though, you knew you were. Wanting him to say hi to you when you didn’t even want him to face you in the first place. It didn’t make sense.

“Or maybe you just like the attention,” Gwen mutters, before grabbing onto your hand and pulling you into the elevator. “Sorry Minho, we need to go up to our room now, long trip, you know what it’s like.”

Minho hums and smiles, “Sure go ahead! We’ll see you guys tomorrow at the dinner right?”

You nod silently as Gwen hums in confirmation.

“We’ll see you there,” she smiles quickly.

Looking at Minho you smile too. “See you there.”

“Hey! Wait for–” Jisung begins, but it gets cut off by the closing of the doors.

When the elevator starts moving, Gwen groans.

“Stupid Jisung, stupid Minho, stupid Seungmin.” she continues to repeat out loud.

Looking at her with a confused look, you blink. “You okay?”

She jumps, turning to you like she had forgotten you were even there for a moment.

“Huh?” she asks.

Repeating your question, she nods.

“I’m fine, just, I didn’t expect us to run into them tonight I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise they would be staying here.”

Shrugging your shoulders, you let your eyes gaze back over to the elevator doors. “It’s fine, not like you would have known, plus maybe it was better this way– seeing him this way I mean.”

“What do you mean?” Gwen questions.

“Now I can’t stress over the first time seeing him can I? Cause it’s already happened.”

“I guess,” Gwen responds, giving herself a moment to think about it.

“Plus I’m too tired right now, I don’t want to think anymore.” you let out a yawn and cover your mouth. Leaning into Gwen’s side, like Jisung had done not fifteen minutes earlier, you speak. “Let’s just go to our room and forget boys exist and just sleep the night away.”

Gwen laughs and you can feel her nodding her head. “That I would drink to.”

Soon enough, you were both in your room. With two large double beds, it was all that you needed for the extended weekend away. Claiming your bed,-the one closest to the window– you let your bags fall at the end of it before dramatically flinging yourself onto it.

Here’s to sleep, you thought. And forgetting boys exist.

→→

You immediately hated your dress the minute you put it on. The baby pink fabric hugged your body in the worst ways possible, and the more you stared at yourself in the mirror, the more exposed you felt. You tug at the end of it to try and pull it down more, failing to find some relief. It felt suffocating and you weren’t even sure why you packed it in the first place.

“Can you stop worrying for one second,” Gwen says as she leans forward to apply her lipstick in the mirror. “You look hot. Let Seungmin know what he’s missing.”

“Gwen!” you gasp.

Snorting a laugh, she puts the lid back on her lipstick and turns to you. “What? It’s been– three years? I don’t think it’s bad to make him regret everything he did to you in senior year.”

“It would be better if I didn’t see him at all,” you mumble whilst fidgeting with your dress again.

“Babe, remember what I said?” Gwen asks, causing you to take a deep breath before releasing it.

“Don’t let him get in the way this time. It’s about the wedding, Mina and Chan, not him.”

Gwen happily hums and takes a few steps over towards you before she lightly places a hand on one cheek and kisses the other. “You got it!”

Blinking at her, your mouth drops and you shake your head. “Ever since you confessed to liking Jisung, you’ve been weird.”

Her sweet smile drops and slaps you on your arm.

“I didn’t confess! I told you, you heard nothing!”

You giggle and wipe away whatever lipstick remains on your cheek in the mirror as Gwen slips on her shoes.

Soon after, there was a continuous knock at the door and Jisung’s loud voice echoed through it. “Come on, let’s go ladies!”

Raising an eyebrow at Gwen, she shoots you a glare.

“You heard nothing,” she whispers. “I don’t like that idiot.”

“Denial,” you whisper-sing back.

“Hurry up! They’re waiting for us!” Jisung’s voice continues to carry through the door. “Hello? Are–”

Opening the door, Gwen speaks. “Shut up idiot, try not to disturb the whole hotel, yeah?”

Jisung takes a moment to look Gwen up and down and clears his throat before straightening his back up. “You look good.”

“Thanks,” Gwen nods. “You too.”

Jisung pulls at the collar of his white dress shirt and it’s easy to notice his cheeks tint pink. “Thank you.”

Rolling your eyes, you pick up your back and put it over your shoulder. Pushing on Gwen slightly to get her out of the door, you close it behind you. “Come on, let's go, lovebirds.”

“Y/N!”

When you got to the restaurant that Mina and Chan had planned for the reunion dinner, everyone apart from you, Gwen and Jisung had already arrived and sat down. You counted your lucky stars that Seungmin was already sitting in between his older brother, Minho, and Chan.

As soon as Mina lays her eyes on the three of you, she shoots up from out of her seat and over to you.

“Look at you guys!” She laughs, pulling each of you into your own hug. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“We’ve missed you too!” You and Gwen say in unison.

“What they said,” Jisung laughs and ducks away when Mina tries to hit him playfully. “I’ve missed you too Mina.”

Going behind the three of you, she lightly pushes you in the direction of the table. “Come, come sit.”

Mina takes her seat once again beside Chan and you take the one next to her, leaving Gwen and Jisung to sit next to each other and Minho.

Pleasantries were passed around and you kept your eyes far away from Seungmin as possible. However, that was difficult when you could feel his eyes boring into you. It was only when Jisung engaged in a conversation with him that the sensation went away and you finally gave yourself the chance to look at him properly.

You could see how much he had changed in the past three years since you last saw him. The baby fat has now gone from his cheeks and his hair was a lighter shade of brown than anything he had in high school. But his eyes still glinted when he smiled and you looked away as soon as he moved his head towards you.

You couldn’t explain the way how in three years everything about him stayed the same, but changed completely at the same time.

Tucking some hair behind your ear, you try to get your attention back on what Mina was talking about.

“You good?” Mina asks, making you nod frantically.

“I’m good, gooder than good.” you smile.

Mina looks at you blankly.

“You’re a terrible liar,” she smiles. “but, I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” you return her smile.

“And,” Mina leans in slightly and rests her chin on one hand. “We’re going to the hotel bar after this so you won’t have to think for a while.”

Rolling your eyes, you continue to laugh. “Mina!”

“What?” She asks through her own laugh. “And who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone at the wedding, there are plenty of attractive people attending.” She finishes her sentence with a wink.

Suddenly, Chan leans in next to Mina as well with his own cheeky smile and a raised eyebrow. “Who’s this about attractive people attending the wedding?”

Mina rolls her eyes and pats his cheek after she’s turned to look at him.

“For Y/N silly,”

“Ahh, of course!” Chan laughs. “I can even introduce you to some of my friends.”

Feeling your cheeks begin to heat up, you raise a hand and shake your head. “No no no, it’s okay, you don’t need to!”

“Well, I can still introduce you!” Chan smiles. “More friends are more friends.”

Mina jokingly shrugs. “And that’s the only thing we don’t agree on, having a bunch of friends.”

“And I love you for being your people-hating self.” Chan muses.

“People are just ugh,” Mina begins to rant. “I like being able to count the people I love on two hands, thank you very much.”

Whilst Mina is continuing her speech on her hate of people, Chan is just sitting there, his eyes in the shape of hearts as he watches her. It made your heart swell with love and admiration. Mina and Chan were everything good in a relationship, they were so hopelessly in love that it honestly made you kind of jealous.

It was a love you wanted– you wished for.

Your eyes went around the table again and once again your gaze lingers on Seungmin. Even after three years, you can’t help but look his way.

There was the smoothest Jazz playing in the hotel bar. The boys, albeit mostly Jisung and Minho, were ordering drink after drink, shot after shot for everyone to enjoy. You were starting to feel the effects of the shots and you let out a happy sigh as you looked around at everyone.

Your eyes linger on Seungmin’s back as he leans up against the bar and talks to the rest of the boys. Gwen and Mina’s laughter fills your ears from next to you.

“I’m going to step outside for a bit,” you quickly say to the girls and they nod in response just as quickly whilst muttering a ‘be safe’.

Getting up from your seat, you sway and stumble your way into the hotel lobby and out into the main entrance.

The cold hits you instantly and a shiver moves up your spine. You wished you brought a jacket out with you, however, there was also something comforting about it. Resting the back of your head against the cold brick, you take a deep breath and exhale it slowly.

It was like a moment of peace in the middle of a stressful day.

“Y/N…”

And then that moment was gone.

Opening your eyes, you kept your eyes straight ahead.

“Seungmin.”

“You look good,” he starts and he takes a step into your line of sight. “And, I’ve missed you.”

“Well I wonder who’s to blame for that,” you finally look him in the eye.

He takes a step forward and frowns, “Y/N, please.”

“What do you want, Seungmin?”

“To see you.”

“Don’t say that.”

He steps forward again, “I wish we could go back, back to then.”

He brings up a hand and gently moves some of your hair from out of your face as he gazes into your eyes.

Without fail, he once again had a grip on your heart. You could curse him mentally over and over again, but still, nothing would change.

“You were the one that left,” you whisper.

“And it was so dumb of me,” he responds and repeats. "I've missed you so much."

His hand stays resting on your cheek and you’re not long how long you’re both standing there. Staring at each other, gazing into each other’s eyes.

His eyes flicker to your lips and back up to your eyes. “Why can’t we just go back? For tonight?”

“We shouldn’t,” you whisper.

“Why not?”

Frowning, you look down at his lips as well and back up. “Because it’s not that easy, you left Seungmin. Remember? You didn’t want to date officially.”

“And I was a fool and I regretted it every day after I left.”

“Even if you did, you could have come back.”

“You know that wouldn’t have been that easy either.”

“You didn’t try,” you said, tilting your head up. His thumb gently glides along your cheek.

“I’m here now,” his nose brushes against yours.

All your senses were yelling– screaming at you to stop, back away. Your heart was pounding, but your mind was completely numb. Every single movement, every touch he made sent you into overdrive.

You couldn’t tell what you’d regret more, giving in or not giving in at all.

“For tonight?” You ask.

He nods slowly, leaning in. “For the weekend?”

“Don’t push your luck,” you add, closing your eyes.

Chuckling, you feel his breath against your lips.

“For tonight.” he reaffirms before connecting your lips together.

The hand he has on your cheek slowly moves down to your neck as the other rests on your hip to try and bring you even closer together. Your own hands go up and you wrap your arms around his neck, your fingers playing with his hair.

You tried to catch your breath when your lips separate and when you open your eyes, he’s already looking at you. It’s not even a second later that you’re using your arms to bring him closer to once again reconnect your lips.

Using his thumb to angle your chin, he deepens the kiss. The longer it went on, the more and more your soul was set alight. Every sensation was heightened.

You gasp when his lips leave yours and move frantically to your chin and then down your neck.

“I’m sharing a room with Gwen,” you question in gasps as he settles on one part on the bottom of your neck. “We can’t go there.”

Without saying a word, he uses one hand to fish out his hotel room key and holds it up between two fingers for you to see.

“Are you the only one in there?” you continue to question. He reluctantly draws his attention away from your neck and goes back up to your chin before kissing your lips once more.

“Yes,” kiss. “I,” kiss. “Am,” another kiss.

“So,” he kisses you again before you can continue and you have to push him away so you can even think. “Just for tonight.”

Smiling, he takes your hand before pulling you quickly to make your way to his room. Your giggles fill his ears and your mind repeats: Just for tonight.

→→

You groan quietly, rubbing your eyes with your palms as you sit up slightly, resting your weight on your elbows. Your head hurt and your throat was unbelievably dry– you reminded yourself to never drink again, but you knew you would.

Blinking, your sight soon began clear as you and the memories of the night returned like looking into a kaleidoscope. Sitting up quickly, you curse to yourself when Seungmin groans from next to you and rolls over, thankfully, however, he stays asleep.

Quietly getting up, you slip on your underwear, fail to find your bra and attempt to put your dress from the night before back on. Once you’ve picked up your shoes and your bag, you turn back to see Seungmin. He’s lying on his front and spread out across his bed.

He looks so peaceful and part of you wants to take back everything you said and jump right back into the bed and into his arms. To stay in this little bubble, where nothing ever went wrong and to pretend like you were still teenagers foolish and in love.

It’s foolish and risky, but you take a few steps over towards his bed, lean over and lightly place a kiss on his forehead, your lips linger for a moment before you pull away and whisper. “Thank you for the night.”

As soon as you’re out of his room, it’s like you can breathe again.

You take your time walking back to your own room. Instead of taking the lift, you take the stairs just to give yourself more time to think. Your feet carry you up the cold metal stairs to the soft carpet of the hallways. Soon enough, you came to your own room and you find your key in the depth of your bag and unlock the door before swinging it open, taking a step inside and letting it close behind you.

“About time you showed up,” Gwen’s voice makes you jump out of your skin.

You let your shoes and your bag slip from your fingers and you say nothing as you walk over to your bed and fall face-first into it.

The whole time, Gwen is watching you with a frown. “What happened?”

It was a minute later that you pushed yourself to roll over and look up at the ceiling. “I slept with Seungmin.”

“I assumed that considering you and him randomly disappeared halfway through the night., I just mean how? Why? I thought you didn’t want to see him at all.”

“I didn’t think you’d be one for the intimate details,” you giggle as she fakes a gag.

“Oh god no,” she shakes her head. “I don’t want to know anything about Kim Seungmin’s sex game, I want to know how you go from never wanting to lay your eyes on him to getting under him.”

Your giggles fill the room, but they’re soon stopped by Gwen chucking a pillow at you, hitting you with a thump. “OW! What the heck Gwen?!”

“You were having dirty thoughts and I don’t want to know!”

Sitting up, you throw the pillow back to her. “You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.” Gwen catches the pillow. “You had the giggle and you know for a fact that it wasn’t an innocent one.”

You giggle again, “Cause I didn’t just go under him.”

Thwack.

“I SAID I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW!”

Rubbing to soothe where the pillow hit you, you quickly apologise whilst still giggling.

“I’m having trouble getting a reading on you,” Gwen states. “You came in super sad and out of it, but now you’re giggling like a madman.”

Groaning, you fall back onto the bed and look over at your blonde best friend.

“I just–” you pause. “Well–” another pause.

“Well?”

“Just for tonight,” you repeat your words from last night.

Gwen blinks, opens her mouth and closes it again. “Excuse me?”

“Just for tonight, it’s what we said last night.” You move your gaze to the ceiling. “Just for tonight.”

“And what does that mean?”

“Just like it suggests, we had one night, like nothing ever happened– as if nothing changed for a single night.”

You hear Gwen move the blankets that covered her and soon the bed dips next to you. “Babe…”

“I know,” you fake a laugh. “I’m so stupid.”

Gwen slowly moves the hair out of your face. When you look at her, you can see her frown. “You’re not stupid.”

“It’s just, I knew, I knew I shouldn’t have given in, I knew I shouldn’t have let him kiss me or let it go further than it did, but I just…” Your sentence comes to a stop as you try and think of how to continue it.

This was your mind every time you thought of Seungmin. Stuck in the middle of a forest, with no map, no compass and no way out. Lost and confused, yet every time he looked at you, spoke to you, uttered the words you so desperately wanted to hear, gave you baseless hope that he always seemed to give you. The hope that everything would work out, that he’d confess his love and scream it to the world.

But it didn’t happen then and you knew it wouldn’t happen now.

“You’re not dumb or stupid,” Gwen sighs, putting her hands on either side of your face and forcing you to look at her. “Your feelings aren’t stupid, sure it’s frustrating but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for giving into those feelings.”

“Why can’t I just move on?” you question.

“Because feelings are fickle things and it’s just not as easy as we want them to be.” Gwen frowns. “Look, everything that’s happened with you and Seungmin, they’re– they were painful for you, and sure, it’s scared you and affected you.”

“He just has this control over me and it’s like I can’t say no to him.”

Smiling a sad smile, Gwen laughs slightly. “It’s love, babe.”

“I hate it,” you laugh, but it lacks the happiness laughter normally has.

“No you don’t,” Gwen responds. “And you don’t hate him either, no matter how much you want to.”

Sitting up, Gwen’s hands fall from your face and you lean into her and she instantly wraps her arms around you in a protective hug. Letting out a sigh, you affirm her words. “I really don’t and I don’t think I ever could.”

Actually giggling, you feel Gwen place a kiss on your hairline. “Oh my foolish best friend, what am I going to do with you?”

→→

Seungmin’s couch was one of the most comfortable couches you had ever had the chance to sit on. It was a dark wine red fabric corner sofa, just warn in enough that it was comfortable.

Even though no one in their friend group knew of Seungmin and your’s ‘situationship’, the friend groups still found their way to merging– this mostly being because Jisung was a social butterfly that couldn’t keep his mouth shut, but nonetheless. Now the group was bigger, it gave you all more of an excuse to meet up and see each other.

Which would be great if you weren’t currently upset and annoyed at Seungmin. What made it worse was that you couldn’t even tell Gwen, your best friend. Sure, you could have properly told her anyway, but you didn’t want to go behind Seungmin’s back like that, especially when he had already made it well-known how he felt about the whole situation.

the time in the storage closet flashing in your mind constantly like a constant pain still reminding you that it's still there.

Every time you picture his blank stare and inability to say the words you wanted to hear made your heart crack even more. However, you didn't want to let him go, sure if Gwen knew she'd probably scream about you and your worth, but that didn't matter.

Not when your crush of the past year was actually giving you the attention you desired-- even if it was in secret. You could only do so much to show him how upset you really were. By sitting on his couch during these group hangouts, giving him little to no attention.

Was it petty? Maybe so. But it's not like you could yell and scream at him how you felt in front of everyone, not that you'd be able to do that anyway. Not when he'd give you one look and you'd break.

You were sat wedged between Gwen and Jeongin, one of Seungmin’s friends, as you barely focused on some overplayed tv show on the tv. Gwen, dramatically lead on your shoulder with a bowl of popcorn in front of her would sometimes grab a handle full before bringing it up to your mouth so you can take some. Jeongin, laying on your other shoulder, whined randomly and complained every time the show would say a bad joke.

The whole time, Seungmin is sitting alone on the loveseat, arms crossed and a scowl present on his face. This was maybe the third group hangout in a row where you had given the boy little to no attention, yet gave his friends (as well as yours) a never-ending abundance of it.

Don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t jealous. Not at all, not when he’s been the one to see the way your cheeks turn pink when he flirts with you. Or how smiley you get after he kisses you. But no, he wasn’t jealous that his friends were getting more attention than he was, that you were looking at them more than at him.

Kim Seungmin doesn’t get jealous.

One would be foolish to think otherwise.

It’s not until Mina disturbs his quiet jea– brooding time that his scowl turns into an annoyed eye roll.

“Can you help me with something in the kitchen please.” Mina states, rather than asks with a fake smile plastered on her lips. Before Seungmin can even get a word out to complain, she holds her palm up. “Don’t even try, help, now.”

It was times like this that made Seungmin wonder why people loved having siblings. Especially when his older brother and sister always took the chance to remind him that they were older.

Groaning, he gets up and follows Mina to their somewhat large family kitchen.

“What do you need help with?” Seungmin asks.

Mina doesn’t respond as she turns to him with her arms crossed. “Why are you pouting in the corner like a kicked puppy?”

The younger boy blinks and blinks again, “Huh?! No, I’m not!” He argues. “Did you want help or not?”

“Of course not!” Mina hissed. “Would you rather me ask in front of your dear friends?”

The colour drains from his face as he quickly shakes his head.

“Look, I know you may think of me as an annoying pain in the ass older sister, but I still notice things alright?” Mina says. “And I can notice when my foolish younger brother has a new love interest, no matter how hard he tries to keep it and her from everyone around them.”

“I don’t know–” Seungmin stops midsentence when Mina glares at him.

“Don’t try and pull that shit with me Seung, I know you better than you think I do.”

Rolling his eyes, he shifts his weight onto one foot.

He hates the feeling of Mina’s eyes boring into him like she was able to peel back every layer of him.

Again, he didn’t see the fuss of having older siblings.

“We’re–” Seungmin pauses with a groan. He hated this and he especially hated how it was Mina grilling him out. “We’re nothing.”

“Now, how dumb do you think I am?” Mina asks, but just like before she speaks again before he gets the chance. “No, seriously, how dumb do you think I am to think I would just take that?”

“It’s complicated,” Seungmin responds.

“Complicated because it is complicated or complicated because you’re making it complicated?”

When he doesn’t respond, Mina shakes her head and tsks.

“Do you want to date her?” Mina asks.

Seungmin halts for a moment before he shakes his head.

Mina sighs, “Let me guess, you wouldn’t want her to date someone else?”

Seungmin scowls once again, this time at the subject of her question. Had he thought about it much? The idea of you dating someone else? Of either of you dating someone else?

Not really, but would he admit that? Of course not.

“She– She can do whatever she wants.” Seungmin almost hisses. “I don’t care, like I said, we’re not dating.”

“How do you think she feels about this whole situationship? Are you guys on the same page?” Mina asks.

“The pages might be a bit smudged.,” Seungmin attempts to whisper, but all this manages to do is make Mina laugh at her poor younger brother.

“And that’s why you’re pouting in the corner like a kicked puppy,” She comments. “You’re trying to play this cool tsundere type that doesn’t care when all she wants is to be able to be open about how she feels for the person she likes.” Mina scoffs. “But let me tell you this little bro, it’s not cool and you’re going to lose her with this attitude. Not when she finally realises she can find someone who won’t be scared to show her off like she deserves.”

“Whatever,” Seungmin hisses, unable to find the words to actually say anything in defence.

“What happens when you move away for college at the end of the year? Are you just going to keep her quietly hoping for something open? Or are you going to let her go?”

Seungmin’s silent once again and at this point, he’s letting Mina’s words go in one ear and out the other. He’s had enough of her ‘older sister, I apparently know better’ lectures. And anyway, college wasn’t for another month or two at least, the way he thought about it was you didn’t even need to know. You’d break off whatever thing you had and you’d move on with how qualms. No issues.

“You haven’t even told her have you?” Mina asks at her brother’s silence.

He shakes his head, “I didn’t think there was a reason to.”

“Just so you know, the only reason I’m not beating you up right now is because you’re my brother.” Mina hisses.

Gasping, Seungmin glares at the slightly shorter girl. “Well thanks, sis, I love you too.”

“Don’t try and pull an attitude with me Seung, it’s not going to work because you know you’re being an ass right now.” Crossing her arms over her chest, Mina continues. “Whether or not you agree on what you want, you need to tell her about you leaving town for college. It’s the only decent thing to do, you can’t just up and leave her in the dark.”

Seungmin just hums.

“Seungmin,” Mina threatens.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Whatever, I’ll think about it.”

It was only after a minute or two that Seungmin spoke once again. "Are you done lecturing me now?"

"I don't know," Mina responds. "You done being an idiot?"

Rolling his eyes, Seungmin makes his way back into the living room to see the three of you still sitting in the same position on the sofa. Gwen and Jeongin on either side of you, their heads on your shoulders.

Falling back into the loveseat, the scowl returns. Mina's words echoing in his head.

It's not like he had to tell you, it would be fine.

→→

The rehearsal dinner is in a large dining room area just off the side of the actual wedding venue. The staff had already begun setting up the room for the next day and so the were already splashes of the wedding colours as ribbons on the back of the chairs. The large dining table that was placed in the centre of the room was covered in what seemed to be a lace-like tablecloth.

The table itself was beautiful, with two large candles placed just off the centre and little name placeholders written in the same font that had been on the original wedding invitations. Of course, Mina and Chan sat in the centre, with two large thrones that reflected silver. There were two people sat either side of these thrones with the rest of the seats being on the opposite side of the table.

Taking your seat, on one side you had Jisung, which you were thankful for. On the other, you had one of Chan's friends from his home back in Australia, who introduced himself as Felix. He seemed lovely, which made sense considering he was good friends with Chan. Across from you, were Chan's brother and sister whereas Seungmin and Minho were sat on Mina's left-hand side. Once settled, you released a breath you didn't know you were holding when Chan's siblings did in fact sit in the seats across from you.

You sent Felix a smile after you had both sat down and said hello to each other.

"So," Felix smiles. "You must be friends with Mina right?"

You nod. The way Felix was smiling made you copy it in return, it was hard to not smile when you saw it. "Yeah, I am."

He makes a face of realisation then he nods slowly. "Of course, I feel like I would have remembered someone as beautiful as you if Chan had introduced us before."

Gasping slightly at his bold comment. You giggle, tucking some hair behind your ear. "Thank you,"

Hearing his laughter made you want to hear it more. It was magical. It made you wonder where Chan had found the boy. He seemed too good to be true.

As you and Felix chat, you begin to feel someone glaring daggers at you. Trying to ignore it, you remain focused on what Felix is saying.

He looks over your shoulder for a moment before gazing back into your eyes. "Just so you know, that guy over there is staring at you pretty viciously," Felix explains.

You sigh and look over your shoulder quickly to confirm it was indeed who you thought it was.

Seungmin.

He's sat there, leant back in his seat at a slight angle as he's staring at the back of your head. You could tell every part of him was tense, angry. Looking back at Felix, you smile awkwardly.

"That's," you pause. "That's complicated."

Felix laughs, again his smile makes you smile too. "Don't worry, I get it, Ex?" He asks.

You inhale sharply. "Eh, something like that."

“Ah, yes,” Felix nods. “One of those things.”

Your eyes fall to your lap as you nod in agreement. It had always been difficult to label whatever you and Seungmin had, not that he helped with that all that much. Maybe that thing was enough of a descriptor. But deep down, you always wished it was more than that.

However, all of your attention gets drawn away when the sounds of Chan tapping a fork on his champagne glass. No more thinking about that thing, Y/N. At least for now. This dinner was about Chan and Mina’s thing. A thing that was definitely so much more than whatever thing you and Seungmin have– had. Something real, something you wished for on every shooting star.

"Hi everyone," he smiles awkwardly, clearing his throat. "Thank you all for being here at our rehearsal dinner before the big day tomorrow." He looks around at Mina, who's staring up at him lovingly and takes her hand in his before he looks around at everyone again. "We're really happy you could join us in making this an event to remember for the rest of our lives." He turns to Mina again, his ears already turning pink. "And Mina, I promise I'm not going to tell you my speech early, but I am so thankful and blessed to be able to love you and be loved by you. You really make me the happiest man on earth."

Mina pouts, standing up. She uses her free hand to playfully hit Chan on the arm. "Why are you trying to make me cry in front of everybody?!" She laughs and so does everyone else. "I love you too, so much."

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Jisung cries, breaking the sweet moment with a raised champagne glass of his own. He quickly lowers it when both you and Gwen hit either arm. "Sorry!"

"Don't mind if I do," Mina laughs before quickly stealing a kiss from her soon-to-be husband. Chan's blush has officially moved from his ears to his cheeks at this point. His face is bright red, but no one says a word.

"Seungmin next!" Jisung laughs, staring directly into Seungmin's eyes.

Gasping next to him, Gwen hits his arm as she hisses his name. "Jisung!" You, however, lean back slightly to look behind Jisung at Gwen. With your own glare on your face, you mouth, What did you tell him? and in return, she smiles sheepishly.

Everyone at the table is silent, their eyes either on Seungmin or flickering between the two boys. Seungmin raises an eyebrow, leans forward to rest his weight on one elbow and smirks. "I will if you kiss her."

Seungmin doesn't say a name, but everyone—let's be real, everyone but Gwen—knows who he's on about. Speechless, Jisung’s mouth drops and he quickly looks down at the empty placement plate. "I didn't say anything."

Seungmin leans back in his chair before making eye contact with you. It's like all your brain cells leave you in that moment and you have to look away to try and regain a conscious thought.

Still standing, Mina sends a glare to both Seungmin and Jisung, which they shrink at before her lips quickly form into a smile.

“They’ll be bringing out the starter and then the first course very soon, so please talk whilst we wait.” She ends with a smile and sits, but not before quickly slapping Seungmin’s arm making him pout at his older sister.

You weren't able to hear what she whispered to him next, but by the look on his face, he didn't look too pleased. He turns from her, crosses his arms over his chest and looks anywhere but her direction. Catching her eye, she smiles, and you smile back.

Excusing yourself from your seat, you quickly move and crouch down in between Gwen and Jisung’s. Trying to muster up the most venomous yet loving glare you could, you smile at her. “Can I just talk to you for a minute?”

Gwen laughs awkwardly. Jisung, however, keeps his head down as he plays with his fingers like Seungmin's words are still ringing around in his head.

She pulls her seat out and you stand as she does. “Sure.”

Grabbing onto her wrist, you guide her out of the room, just far enough where you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone hearing you both. Stopping, her wrist falls from your grasp and you turn to her. “What did you tell him?!”

“Nothing!” Gwen throws her arms up and crosses them in front of her a second later. “…I mean, not nothing, but not everything!”

“You know how big of a mouth that boy has!” You hiss, “We can’t tell him shit unless we want him to spill it.”

“I know!” Gwen huffs. “I just said you guys slept together, that’s it, nothing more.”

"Gwen!"

"I'm sorry," Gwen repeats. "I don't know what happened, he looked at me and I just had to tell him."

"I stand by what I said before," you laugh. "You guys are unbelievable."

Gwen blinks and opens her mouth to speak before closing it again. Once she finds the words, she says, "When did you say that?"

You catch onto the servers starting to pass you with food on trays. "It doesn't matter," you mumble. "We should go back in before Mina starts wondering where we are." Gwen hums and nods her head, but before you can start to walk away, she grabs your wrist and pulls you into a hug.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't think he'd say that in front of everyone." you hear her mumble as you wrap your arms around her. Giggling, you hug her as tightly as you can for a second making her complain.

"It's fine," you smile. "Just next time give me a heads up you've told your boyfriend about my non-existent love life yeah?"

"He's not my–" she starts, but soon gives up. "Yeah sure, I'm sorry," she repeats.

Pulling away, you raise an eyebrow at her. "You didn't deny it?"

"Everyone says it anyway," Gwen shrugs. "He's confusing, I don't know and don't try and distract me. I wouldn't say your love life was very non-existent at the moment."

"Let's just agree to say we both have complicated situations right now?" you suggest causing the blonde to crack a laugh.

"Sure,"

Walking back into the dining hall, you see how the servers have in fact started bringing out and placing the starters for people to pick at on a separate table. Not looking where you’re going, you startle yourself by almost walking into one of the servers.

“Oh, sorry,” you mumbled, looking down and stepping aside, until you caught a whiff of one of the dishes. A server walked by with a fruit platter containing all colours of the rainbow, and the one behind them held a plate full of garlic shrimp skewers just waiting for you to grab. The smoky yet buttery aroma of steak passed you by next, pulling you back to the dinner table with Gwen in tow, who chuckled at your little trance.

Your mouth-watering, you stand on your toes as the other attendees scramble for first dibs on the incoming foods. It seemed like the steak and the garlic bread were the most popular choices, so you decide to come back for it later—there would more than likely be another plate coming anyway. Instead, something else that no one else seemed to touch makes your eyes almost pop out of their sockets in excitement.

Cheese.

There was nothing you loved more in this world than cheese and on top of that, you don't think anything or anyone could come close to it. Cheese was your best friend, sorry, Gwen, cheese was always there went something went wrong, again, sorry, Gwen, cheese was everything right in the world. Whether it was cold, straight out of the fridge, or heated up so it was warm and stringy, it was perfect. If someone told you to do something and in return they offered cheese? You’d do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked, that's just how much you loved the stuff.

Evilly chuckling under your breath, you grab your plate and make a beeline for the tiers of different cheeses to try. You take one of every option there and make a small pile of them on your plate. Brie, cheddar, parmesan, pepper jack, gouda, and—

“Ooh, camembert!”

You jump, dropping the cheese in your hand. Who dares to take your precious cheese? Just thirty seconds ago, you were the only person at the cheese board. What could have changed within that short time frame?

A hand reaches out to grab a slice of camembert and you follow it to meet eyes with the last person you wanted there. Seungmin stands across the table, an addicting, yet very punchable, smirk on his face as he places the slice of the precious camembert onto his plate.

You wanted to smack the smirk off his stupid face. Maybe smash your lips against his before you did so.

But all you could do was blink.

“Camembert,” Seungmin states matter-of-factly, holding up a slice in his hand. You aren’t sure if you should look at the cheese or at him. “Your favourite, right?”

You look down at your plate, biting your lip to keep yourself from smiling.

Seungmin bends down, smirking when he sees your flustered state. “Hey,” he chuckles, sending your stomach into knots before you could even get food in it. “Earth to Y/N…”

You blink and blink again before making eye contact with him, and he still has that brazen smile on his face. You aren’t sure how you still aren’t used to him looking at you like that. Like you’re the only two people in the room and how it could all change so instantly and you’d still be the one left in this haze of rose.

“Here,” he says, taking a piece from his plate and putting it on yours. You look between the slice of camembert and him, and he smiles at you over his shoulder as he struts over to his seat.

You’re left there standing in shock, blinking as you try to wrap your head around what happened.

“Did I really just see that?” Gwen asks as she steps next to you.

Then your rose glasses start to crack and streams of real light come through.

“Uh..” you clear your throat. “Yeah, that happened.”

“So have you, uh, spoken to him since?” Gwen begins to ask and you quickly shake your head.

“Nope.”

“Ah,” Gwen responds as she starts to pick up her own pieces of cheese.

Looking over your shoulder, your eyes scan the surrounding area and your eyes widen as you find Seungmin already looking in your direction– the same brazen smile still plastered on his face.

You turn away when you see him laugh to himself and look down at his plate. “I’m– I’m going to sit back down.”

Gwen hums in acknowledgement and you quickly rush back to your seat next to Felix and Jisung. Placing your plate down, you slip into your seat.

“Lover of cheese huh?” Felix laughs, looking down at your plate. Picking up a piece and placing it in your mouth with a happy hum, you nod your head.

“Call it a passion of mine,” you say, covering your mouth.

“Gosh,” Jisung groans from next to you. “Don’t get her started, she’ll talk about it all day.”

Throwing your head back laughing at his comment, you can’t even begin to deny it. “I’m passionate,” you respond with a smile.

Looking at you with a blank face, Jisung blinks. “You’re obsessed.”

“Devoted,” you fight, sounding out the syllables.

“Obsessed,” Jisung repeats, copying your actions.

You make a face at him before plopping another piece of cheese in your mouth and chewing away happily.

Your eyes scan the surrounding area and you feel yourself straightening up when your eyes land on Seungmin. He’s already looking at you, and you can’t tell if he looks annoyed or maybe even jealous about sitting so far away from you.

You simply turn back to Felix, propping your chin on your palm. “Now, where were we?”

“Here we go,” Jisung mutters.

You nudge him with your elbow before continuing. “Anyways… Yes, I do love cheese. But not as much as—”

“Y/N,” Jisung whines.

“Jisung!” You plaster on a cheesy grin, blinking one too many times as you turn your head to him. “Why don’t you tell them about your so-called ‘passion’,” you say, making air-quotes around “passion”, “for coffee?”

Jisung just glares at you. He keeps a straight face, but you can see the tips of his ears turning red. “You know that’s different, Y/N.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Okay, and how many cups of americano have you had this week?

“Wh– I–” he sputters. “Like, six?”

You say nothing, and just maintain your gaze on him.

“…teen.”

You smile smugly. “Mhm. And somehow I’m the obsessed one.”

Something white falls in the corner of your eye. Looking back at your plate, you don’t notice anything different, except for a piece of camembert that must have rolled off your plate. You shrug and pop it into your mouth; you did have a comically large pile of it to work through, so it was more than plausible.

You look back up, and Jisung is staring above your head with furrowed eyebrows. You follow his gaze and see… a ceiling. You wonder how many of those sixteen cups of americano were from today alone.

Felix, who also seems to have spaced out for a second, looks back at Jisung. “It’s okay, man,” he chuckles, “I had, like, three cups of coffee this morning.”

“A man of culture,” Jisung nods happily, motioning to the blonde boy with a smile.

Felix laughs, nodding his own head. “Of course, man, I need the caffeine to survive, especially with my classes.”

“Teacher or student?” You ask.

Somehow, and you’re not sure how, but Felix’s smile seems to grow wider.

“Both actually,” he hums. “Well if you class it as both I guess.”

Raising an eyebrow for him to continue, he does.

“I’m a student teacher, currently on placement in a nursery school, but I took a week off to be here,”

“That’s so sweet!” You smile, “Working with kids fun?”

Felix nods again, “Kids are just amazing,” He laughs. “Every day is different and they’re so out there, you know? It’s really a fulfilling position.”

“Sounds like you want a bunch of your own then?” You giggle, causing a pink tint to cross Felix’s face.

He shrugs, before spluttering, “I-I don’t know, m-maybe?!”

“Well, I’m sure whoever you’d be with would be very lucky.” You continue to giggle, nodding your head.

Felix’s blush deepens and he nods his head shyly.

“How about you? Seeing stuff like that in your future?”

You shrug, picking up another piece of cheese from your plate before putting it into your mouth. You let it rest there for a moment, giving yourself time to think before you swallow.

“Maybe,” you take a deep breath in and let it out as you look over to Felix. “I don’t know what’s in my cards yet, so maybe.” You shrug.

“That’s a chill way to think about it,” he smiles.

“Thanks,” you laugh. “I feel like it’s less pressuring that way you know?”

He hums, nodding his head in agreement. “Oh yeah, for sure, everything should be done at your own pace.”

“True, plus I haven’t even graduated yet so, I think I’ll focus on this hurdle before I think about another one that might not even happen yet.”

Another white object falls, and this time you look up in time to catch a hand above you before its owner pulls it back. Letting your eyes fall back to your plate, there was an additional piece of camembert on top of the few cheeses you had left. You wouldn’t have questioned it this time if you hadn’t already finished the camembert you brought with you.

Your face contorts in confusion as your gaze settles on Seungmin, who barely acknowledges you as he pulls his hand away and continues to make his way around the table and to his seat.

You blink as your eyes follow him, with your mouth open slightly in shock.

“I thought you said it was complicated?” Felix chuckles, snapping you out of your daze.

You nod, trying to get your brain to make a coherent thought. “It is…. We are.”

Jisung snorts from next to you and leans to the side slightly so Felix can see him properly. “Trust me, as someone who’s seen it all since high school, complicated is putting it simply.”

“You’re one to talk,” you mutter, shoving another piece of camembert into your mouth.

“He’s been dropping cheese off to you like your cheese fairy godmother,” Felix chuckles again.

“Don’t you mean fairy godfather?” Jisung asks.

“Fairy godperson?” Felix responds.

“Personal preference,” you shrug, “anyway, we shouldn’t let him cloud our minds with his confusing actions.”

“Are you talking to us or yourself there?” Jisung chuckles, making you roll your eyes and playfully slap his arm.

“Shut up Ji.”

Letting out a breath of air, you lean forward and quickly take another piece of cheese from your plate.

“I’m just saying, I don’t have an americano fairy godperson,” Jisung says matter-of-factly, leaning back into his seat.

You just stare at him incredulously, blindly stuffing another piece of cheese into your mouth. “How would that even work?”

He shrugs. “Maybe they have a cup of coffee ready for me in the morning?”

Swallowing the piece in your mouth, you don’t break your stare. The thought of this magical fairy godperson having to memorize Jisung’s coffee order makes you feel sorry for them. You tried it once, and never again.

“Maybe they just pour coffee into your mouth,” Felix chimes in.

You snort, rolling your eyes. “That’s almost worse, it’s like a mama bird throwing up in its baby’s mouth.”

Closing your eyes, open your mouth and tilt your head up, as if to mimic the hypothetical baby bird. After a few seconds, you feel something land in your mouth, causing your eyes to shoot open and you sit up.

You pat on your chest and quickly clear your throat. You bite down on what you can taste is cheese and swallow.

“That’s not how it went in the dream went,” you mutter to yourself as you lean back in your chair.

Jisung from beside you blinks, his mouth wide. “Huh?!”

Your eyes widen for a moment before your face breaks out into a smile at the boys confusion.

“Like,” he leans forward and whispers. “Sexual?”

You also lean forward, making him more intrigued, “Yes.”

His mouth open and closes like a fish, “that doesn’t answer my question?!”

“But do you really want the answer to that question though?” You ask, with a pessimistic look on your face.

“Yes and no,” Jisung answers almost immediately.

However, Jisung’s train of thought gets cut short when Gwen kneels down in between you two, her hand on either one of your chairs. “I’m sorry, but did I just see that right? Did he just feed you?”

“He’s been feeding her all night,” Jisung hisses. “Did you know she’s had a sex dream about seungmin and cheese?!”

Gwen rolls her eyes, “They’ve had sex before, of course, she’s had the cheese sex dream about him.”

“Um, what?!” Jisung gasps as he continues to whisper. “You’ve had it with more people than just him?”

This time it’s you that sending him a confused look. “Wait, is this about sex in general or the cheese sex dream?”

“I-” Jisung gasps. “I don’t know at this point, I’m so confused.”

“Wait, that’s not why i’m here! Gwen hisses. “That weird moment at the food table and now he’s been feeding you all night? What is up with him?”

“You tell me,” you sigh, your eyes linger on where he was currently sat, his attention on his older brother Minho and the two others sat across from him.

“If I could give my two cents,” Felix leans behind your chair for the three of you to hear. “I’m Felix, by the way,” he smiles at Gwen and offers his hand for her to shake.

“Oh, hi! I’m Gwen!”

Their hands part and Felix clears his throat. “I don’t know what happened for things to be as complicated as you say they are, but he obviously has some unresolved feelings for you.”

“How can you tell?” you ask.

“Because adults are just overgrown children and I work with children every day,” Felix explains. “He uses these little things to keep your attention, any sign of that attention going away, he comes back and does it again.”

“How are you so sure?”

The side of Felix’s lips tilt up into a smirk. He shots a look, over to Seungmin and his smirk grows widen when he notices the boy is looking over at the four of them. “Eat the rest of your cheese quick,” he looks at you again. “I’ll prove it to you.” Looking over at Gwen, he smiles. “Gwen, you go back to your seat and act natural, you guys will see what I mean.”

You do as he instructs, eating the rest of your cheese (even though you didn’t have much left anyway). After you plop the last piece into your mouth, you smile and hum.

You loved cheese so much.

You look over to Felix with a small smile. “Finished.”

“You can have some of mine,” Felix smiles and says slightly louder than normal, sliding his own plate over to you. “You are more of a cheese fanatic than I am, so you deserve it.”

You exaggerate your pout as you look at him. “You’re my new favourite person Felix.”

Even though it was an act, a pink blush still covers his cheeks as he brushes you off with a wave of his hand. “It’s fine, you’ll enjoy it more than I will anyway so go ahead.”

It’s maybe only thirty seconds later that a paper plate filled with different types of cheese– noticeably more camembert than the rest– appears beside you. Looking up quickly, you catch Seungmin with a scowl on his lips.

“Here,” he mumbles quickly, before walking back around to his chair without a second to spare.

Felix snorts, leaning backwards to send a look at Jisung and Gwen, and mouths ‘i told you’.

“Okay,” you mumble. “Maybe you’re on to something.”

In the next second, Gwen is back down kneeled beside you. “That was insane,” she gasps.

“I don’t get it,” you huff. “He was the one that didn’t want anything official in the first place.” you mumble the last part, your eyes fixed on the plate with the mountain of cheese on.

“It’s been three years,” Jisung starts. “People and their feelings can change.”

“But…” what about what he said last night? Just for tonight?

His words were one thing, but then his actions completely different. His words were, one time only, but his actions and the way your friends, and new friend, spoke about them, said that it was more than that.

Why couldn’t you just read minds? You thought to yourself, at least then you’d maybe be able to tell what he was thinking half of the time.

Looking at Gwen, you frown.

“Maybe,” Gwen sighs. “Maybe try talking to him,” her gaze narrows on you. “Properly this time.”

Your cheeks begin to heat up and you nod. Looking at Gwen, you notice her gaze is elsewhere causing you to follow it and that’s when you see Mina talking to Seungmin. Every now and then he rolls his eyes, almost like he doesn’t like her words.

“Maybe he’s being told the same thing,” Gwen says, patting your shoulder.

You shrug, maintaining your gaze on Seungmin as you bring a piece of camembert into your mouth. Maybe this was a sign to talk to him.

Maybe you could give him another chance.

→→

seungmin casually slides into his chair, a smirk present on his lips as he picks at his now full plate.

"What are you doing?" Mina's voice, fills Seungmin's ears and he tilts his head at her in false confusion.

"What do you mean?" Mina's face is blank as she blinks.

"Just casually dropping off cheese?"

"No," he responds as he takes a bite of a piece of his food. "Just need to get my steps in."

"You're full of shit Seung, seriously," she sighs.

His eyes move to you and he watches how you speak with Jisung and whom he came to learn was Felix. He notices how Gwen leaves her seat to crouch behind you. But ultimately, he notices how Felix stares at him, his own smirk twisted into his lips. Seungmin's eyes narrows as he looks at the boy and he rolls his eyes at how Felix's laugh seems to make you smile.

His eyes go back to you and he watches as you turn to eat the rest of the cheese on your plate and once you are in fact done. Felix smiles and moves his own closer to you.

“You can have some of mine,” Felix's voice fills Seungmin's ears and he gets up suddenly, causing both Mina and Minho to look at him. Felix's voice still echoing in his ears. “You are more of a cheese fanatic than I am, so you deserve it.”

He gets to the food table, grabs a paper plate and starts to put all of his annoyed emotions into putting the new pieces of cheese onto the plate. He wanted to say to say sorry to the cheese for being so mean, but he just resulted to rolling his eyes when your voice fills his ears. “You’re my new favourite person Felix.”

Silently making fun of the way you said it, he rolls his eyes again before turning around. “It’s fine, you’ll enjoy it more than I will anyway so go ahead.”

He takes the few steps over to where you're sat next to Felix and leans over and drops the plate onto the table.

"Here," he mumbles and he doesn't leave you a second to process and respond.

Quickly walking back around to his seat, he drops into it with his arms crossed. He stares at his own plate on his table and just by the way he hears Mina sigh and turn to him, he knows he's in for it.

"You seriously just can't keep chill can you?" Mina asks, clicking her tongue.

Keeping his eyes on his plate, his jaw tightens. "What do you mean?"

"Don't do this Seungmin, not right now, this is the rehearsal dinner for my wedding!" She says emphasising the word wedding. "Don't go and try and make things awkward not just for us but for her and everyone else here."

Seungmin's eyes look up at his older sister. "I'm not trying to make things awkward."

Mina rolls her eyes. "You're still full of shit Seungmin and you know that. You know what you're doing and you know why you're doing it."

Seungmin rolls his eyes and he goes to open his mouth to speak, but Mina cuts him off.

"No, you don't talk until I'm finished." Mina glares. "Now this is my wedding, you're not going to play your mind games with her. you're not going to have her regret coming and ruining this as a memory for not only her, but for me as well. I don't care if you think I'm being a bitch here, but you sort your shit out. If you really want to fix things, you don't do it like this. If you really want to fix things, you don't sleep with her on the first night of seeing each other again in hopes of it just making things go away and making it better. It doesn't work like that." Mina exclaims, causing Seungmin to shrink in his seat.

He didn't know she knew about that.

Mina sighs and frowns at her younger brother. "I love you, I really do, but you have to remember everything that happened back then was because you decided for it to happen that way. Take responsibility for it if you want things to be different with her." Mina suggests, she then laughs, trying to lighten the mood. "However, I don't know why you had to pick my wedding was the right time for it."

He tries to smile as he looks up at Mina, "I'm sorry."

Mina leans forward and messes playfully with his hair causing him to try and push her hands away. "You're my little brother and I love and support you," Mina starts, however Seungmin knew this was too good to be true. She wouldn't just praise him so casually. "But you're so fucking stupid sometimes, I mean, I love it for you, but gosh Seungmin."

there it was.

"Ouch, but I love you too I guess." Seungmin responds.

"Of course you do," Mina laughs. "I tell you the truth and you know that asshole would just laugh at you." Mina's eyes flickers to Minho, who's still focused on the other two men sat across from him.

Seungmin joins in on her laughter and nods his head. "True."

"Just," Mina sighs. "If you really want something, go for it. If you really want something with her. Tell her, don't continue to be that dumb high school kid you were and be truthful with her and lay it all out on the table."

"Okay," Seungmin hums. "I'll talk to her."

→→

You're slow to leave the dining hall after the rehearsal dinner, too caught up in chatting to Felix, Jisung and Gwen that you're one of the last sets of people to leave. You trailed out behind Gwen and Jisung with Felix by your side as you continued to laugh at Felix's jokes.

You came to a stop, however, when you saw Seungmin casually leaning up against the wall out in the hallway. When he notices you, he stands quickly and takes the few steps towards you, nodding slightly at Felix.

Patting your shoulder, Felix smiles, "I'll catch up with you later."

Inhale, exhale.

You nod, sending a similar smile to the boy beside you. "Okay, see you later."

As you watched him walk away, you took the moment to prepare yourself mentally before you turned to face Seungmin.

His hair is messier, like he's run his hands through it a thousand times whilst he was waiting for you to come out into the hallway. And his tie, once neatly laid out was now pulled loose and his top button of his white shirt was undone.

"Seungmin," you take another breath. "What do you need?"

"To talk to you," he starts. "about everything."

"Everything?" you question. "Like how you tried to choke me out with cheese today?"

A chuckle escaped the boys mouth, his lips turned up into a smile. "You know you wouldn't be mad about it if it happened."

You snorted as you tried your best to fight off a smile. "What do you want, Seungmin? Seriously."

"About us," Seungmin takes a step forward. "I mean it, I-"

Seungmin pauses mid-sentence like his brain had just up and paused on him. There was a look in his eyes that you couldn't quite figure out and when he opens his mouth to speak once more, he sighs.

"I don't want it to be just for tonight– well last night." He blushes, closing his eyes to avoid having to see your reaction.

"What?" You gasp. "Seungmin..."

You couldn't help but feel an odd sense of reversed deja vu.

“Look, I know it probably doesn’t make sense, after everything that happened between us, but…” Seungmin pauses to take a deep breath.

Your breath hitches in your throat. Something in you tells you that you know where this is going.

But it can’t go that way. You know it deep down. As much as your body screams at you to give in right then and there, your brain screams over it.

“Seungmin…” you breathe out. Your eyes flick to the floor, then back to him.

You use every fibre of your being to stop yourself from stepping closer to him. Even after all these years, he was intoxicating—the right look from him could make you weak in the knees, turning you into putty. It was a mystery how you made it through the dinner.

Seungmin notices your hesitation, and gently lifts your chin up with two fingers. He then moves his hand so it’s cupping your cheek. The look he gives you is so tender, warmth pooling in his eyes, that you have to glance back down to compose yourself.

You dare to look up again, and something in you snaps. Before you could even think about what you’re doing, your hand slowly makes it’s way up his arm before going around the back of his neck.

It truly was a mystery how you made it through the dinner, you thought for a split second. But it all goes to static when you pull him against you and press his lips to his.

His lips are chapped, like he had been nibbling on them as he waited for you. You don’t care as much as the kiss in itself is soft, sweet and a feeling swirled in your stomach like you had successfully gotten your next fix.

It quickly changes however, when his hands land on your hips, and it’s like electric shocks are sent all over your body. Sighing into the kiss, he takes the chance to overpower you and without little hassle, you let him. All you do instead is pull him closer to you– if it was even physically possible.

“I still need to talk to you,” He pulls back slightly and mumbles against your lips. You quickly cut him short with another kiss.

“This,” kiss. “Isn’t,” another kiss. “Talking.”

You’re doing everything you can to try and get him to stop thinking and to just solely focus on the act of kissing you. Moving your lips swiftly to his neck, you’re sure he can feel your smirk against his skin and you feverishly place kisses up and along his neck and jaw line.

“We can talk later,” he moans.

Taking your face in his hands, he angles you once again so you’re looking at him, smashing his lips to yours again, and you can’t think straight. It takes only mere seconds for you to full loose all thoughts of right or wrong.

You know what? Maybe one more night won’t hurt.

→→

You stare at the words that were displayed on your beat up flip up phone as you felt whatever vice was around your heart tighten.

Mina: 11:45 am

Look, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but since he obviously isn’t going to tell you himself… Seungmin’s leaving for college.

I tried to get him to tell you.

You felt your throat tighten and you did your best to clear it by patting on your chest causing you to cough.

Pushing yourself away from your desk with your hands, you rise to your feet, before rushing out of your bedroom door, down the stairs and out of the door and away from your house in only a matter of seconds.

You could hear your parents calling out behind you, lost for words, but that didn't concern you at that moment. Not when seungmin was leaving and the only reason you knew was because his older sister was nice enough to tell you. Not even seungmin himself could get the courage to tell you- to break down his own walls ever so slightly just to give you the decency of telling you: hey, i'm leaving.

Haphazardly typing out a response to Mina, you hit send and shove your phone into your pocket as you continue to run as fast as you could to their house.

The adrenaline over powers the fact that you want nothing more badly as to cry. To break down and to scream to the world, to him, until your throat went dry and your lungs hurt. Because no matter how little or much he shared with others. no matter how much or how little he wanted to show the world that he cared, he still did. How, even after so many months of secrecy and silent wishes, he was more than just a senior year crush.

He was more than just a mere moment in time.

He was powerful, moving, frustrating in all of the best ways. He was addicting and even though he broke your heart every time he said he didn't want anyone to know about the both of you, you still foolishly stayed. Because you'd rather break your heart a thousand times by him than to never experience his love, even if it's not fully and out loud. No matter the odd and secretive the ways he seemed to share it.

Because in those secret moments, the ones where it was you two vs the world. Where he looked at you like you had hung the stars in the sky especially for him. He made all of the pain worth it, made all of the crying into ice cream tubs at two in the morning worth it.

Sure, maybe it didn't make sense, but nothing made sense about him. Ever. You could never fully wrap your head around the enigma that is Kim Seungmin, but you knew, if you had the chance, you’d want to spend as much time as possible trying to.

Your feet stop once you're outside of his house and whatever adrenaline you have seems to wear off as the tight feeling returns to your throat. You see movement through the living room window and even when your mind screams at you to flee, your feet carry you forward up the footpath and onto the main porch.

The ever familiar white door is a looming presence. It’s silently taunting you, beckoning you to knock on its wooden surface and face the boy who was about to be ripped from your world. Or don’t. You could just go home for all he cared, go back to your fantasy world where Seungmin will always be around, only to shatter your own heart when you finally wake up.

It was like some screwed up form of Schrodinger's cat—no matter what you do, you know you’re going to lose.

Maybe that is what compels you to stay long enough for Minho to open the door, a confused but content smile on his face.

"Oh, y/n, hi!"

You attempt to smile, but it falters, "Hey."

Whether or not he notices, he doesn’t say, which you’re thankful for.

“Here for Seung?” The older boy asks, causing your cheeks to heat up as you nod quickly. Minho hums before calling out behind him for Seungmin. “Come inside, it’s getting cold.”

“Yeah…” Seungmin’s voice softens as he looks up and sees you, standing beside Minho. “Y/N…”

Gulping, you wave before pushing your lips into a thin line.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Minho says, before turning to you and tapping your shoulder. “It was good to see you.”

You nod simply, trying your best to smile as your gaze soon moves back towards Seungmin. He’s standing at the bottom of the stairs, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes are looking in any direction that isn’t you.

“What are you doing here?”

Ignoring his question, you respond with your own. “Are you really leaving?”

His head shoots up in surprise and the look on his face alone is enough confirmation, but it tugs at your heartstrings more when he asks.

“How did you know?”

“So you weren’t even going to tell me?” Your face twists into a frown as you blink to try and stop your eyes from feeling glassy. “Do you care so little about me that you wouldn’t even tell me?”

“How did you find out?” He rephrases his question from before as his eyes stayed on you. Boring into you like he was trying to find the centre of your soul.

“Is that all you care about right now?” You scoff. “You care more about me finding out you’re leaving than actually telling me yourself?” You blink away the tears that had threatened to fall. This time, you were the one to look anywhere but at him. “Did none of our moments together mean anything to you?”

You can’t tell if he’s deflecting, unwilling to answer your question or if he truly cares so little about the almost full year you had spent together.

“That’s just what they are though,” Seungmin sighed. “Moments in time,” he crosses his arm over his chest and metaphorically sticks a knife through your chest. “But moments pass, and this is one of those moments.”

“So they really didn’t mean anything huh?” you tsk to yourself, shaking your head lightly. “I can’t believe I’m actually going to ask, but, did I even mean anything to you?”

“Of course, you meant something to me, you’re a great friend.” Now he’s cauterising the wound, whilst trying to shove the knife in deeper.

It’s funny how someone in one moment could be beginning for your affection, only to stab you in the back the next. But it wasn’t just stabbing you in the back, it was full hung drawn and quartered. He was pulling the emotions out of you, the memories and tearing them to shreds in front of you like a child would rip open the wrapping paper on their presents on Christmas morning.

“Friends, really?” you huff, “to you, we’re only just friends? Do friends really do everything we did together?”

Seungmin slips his hands into the back pocket of his jeans as he shrugs. “Some friends might, who am I to judge?”

“So you really wouldn’t care if I did all of the things I did with you with someone else? You know, 'cause that’s what friends do apparently.” You suggest.

Seungmin falters, his jaw tightening for a second before he relaxes. There’s something that flashes in his eyes that you can’t figure out and he just hallowly laughs.

“Of course not,” Seungmin mutters. “You can do whatever you want.”

“So would it be wrong of me to assume that you did this with your other ‘friends’ too?” You felt a bubble get caught in your throat as you tried to keep your voice from failing. “Is that why you never wanted anyone else to know? Cause you had other ‘friends’?”

Seungmin pauses as his eyes bore into yours. You want to look away, but something inside of you physically stops you from doing so.

He stays quiet for the longest few seconds of your life before you attempt to speak again. “Can you at least-”

“No,” he cuts you off, clearing his throat. “It was just you. I wasn’t and didn’t see anyone else.”

“Were you embarrassed by me?”

He shakes his head almost instantly and the more he speaks, the more utterly confused you’re getting.

“No,” he says simply. “What’s there to be embarrassed about?”

“You– You–” your mind stutters. “You confuse me so much. If it wasn’t because there was someone else and it wasn’t because you were embarrassed about me, then why? Why didn’t you want anyone else to know?”

Seungmin sighs the heaviest sigh you think you’ve ever heard. It’s almost like he’s tired of repeating himself without ever actually repeating what he means.

“Because like you said, they were moments in time, moments we shared together, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to be aware of them.” Seungmin attempts to explain.

“Not even the people that would be happy for you? Care for you and want you to succeed?”

Seungmin shrugs his shoulders once more. He’s so casual about the whole thing that it’s like a stark difference to the Seungmin he showed you in secret, the Seungmin that only you saw.

At this point, you couldn’t tell if you had gone numb to all of your emotions, or if you were reaching the breaking point. “You really just don’t care do you?”

“I didn’t say that” Seungmin responds rather quickly.

“You did,” you say twice as fast.

“I didn’t” Seungmin rebuts.

“You did, you said moments pass and that ours passed. Make it make sense?” You beg, you could accept any bit of explanation at this point. Especially if it cleared up how he was feeling and made you less confused.

However, Seungmin couldn’t do that. He just had to add more questions than answers. It was like he couldn’t help himself.

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t mean something to me.”

“Well, it meant everything to *me*, Seungmin. Don’t you get it?” Running a hand through your hair in an attempt to get it out of your face, you let a groan escape your lips. “I did everything you asked of me. I didn’t tell anyone, I snuck around for you, I let my grades slip and my friends worry about me because of you. I waited and waited because at first, I thought, this is new. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to tell anyone right away. Let us just find our place together, to make sure we actually worked well together and then maybe he’ll be comfortable sharing with at least our friends, but then I kept waiting because I care so much about you and about every single moment that we spent together and how much I didn’t want them to end that I thought that just keeping silent and continuing to wait would be enough. And it’s the fact that I’m so foolish that I could wait for you forever if you asked me to because that’s how much I love you, Kim Seungmin.”

You only notice the tears spilling down your cheeks when you begin to taste the saltiness on your lips.

“Love?” He whispers. “You love me?”

Taking in a deep breath, you wipe your cheeks and find the courage inside to look at him. His eyes are soft and red like he has his own tears welling up. Your frown deepens, “would it really make a difference if I did at this point?”

“Y/N, I…” Seungmin pauses. He opens his mouth like a fish out of water but soon finds his words. “I thought we agreed, we were just having some fun, nothing serious.”

“I never agreed to that Seungmin,” you hiccup. “I just let myself get carried away with you because I always hoped it would change.”

As he takes a step forward, you take one back closer to his front door.

“Do you really love me?” He asks, his voice almost sounding sincere.

Nodding, the tears rolling down your cheeks, drop onto the floor below you.

“I do, so goddamn much and I see now how much of a fool I was to get swept up with you.” You laugh a laugh so hollow, your soul hurts. “I’m sorry and I hope college treats you well Seungmin,” sighing, you turn and open the door. “I really do.”

Shutting his front door behind you, your feet once again carry you down the path and you stop once it connects to the main pavement.

Just like all those months before, you stand there, waiting– wishing for him to come outside and to bring you into his arms as he screams about how much he loves you, but just like then, he doesn’t.

You’re left alone with your sweater paw covering your mouth in hopes of muffling your cries.

→→

It was Seungmin pulling you closer to him that caused you to stir and wake up and it was you shooting up in bed that caused him to groan and open his eyes groggily.

“What are you doing?” he yawns, attempting to grab you and pull you back towards him.

"I- I should," you move just out of the way of his fingertips. "I should go back to my room, the wedding is later."

As you're looking around for your items of clothing, Seungmin sits up.

"No wait, just stay here and go later, we still have time." he tries to reason with you, but you just shake your head. "Come on, lets go back to sleep."

"I shouldn't, Seungmin," you mutter, slipping back into your clothes from last night.

Seungmin gets up, finds some of his own clothes before he turns to face you. "Why not? what's wrong?"

"It's just… this," you motion between you two as he steps towards you. "Us, everything about this."

"Y/N,"

Groaning, you can't stop yourself from speaking. "And I hate it when you say my name like that!"

"What's going on? Just talk to me please."

"You, Seungmin, you're just so confusing to me like a fucking enigma." you scoff. "You’re the one that never wanted to be open before, you said we had a moment and that it passed and now here we are now. Now you're acting sweet, you're trying to have my attention on you 24/7, you're feeding me cheese knowing it's my favourite, but then you say things like how you only want to be with me for the night, or for the weekend?”

You look around the room before your eyes meets his and you continue your speech.

“You say my name in the way you used to say it before, like how we weren't on the same page, saying my name in a tone like you were letting me down easy and I don't want to go through that again, Min." you slip up at the nickname. "I never wanted just for the night, just for the weekend. I wanted forever then and even after all this time, i'm still a fool for wanting it now."

“Y/N, wait–”

Seungmin attempts to speak, but you cut him off before he gets the chance to say another word.

“And you’re asking me to stay with you, to go back to sleep beside you in your arms. I just can’t stop thinking about how after today, we’ll part and it’ll be just like it was back then, another passing moment.” You gulp and look down, hoping he doesn’t see your lips waver. “I don’t think my heart can take it.”

Seungmin gently tilts your chin up, forcing your eyes to meet his once more. His gaze is soft, his chestnut eyes swimming with a kind of warmth that almost makes you want to run back into his arms right there.

“Y/N, this…” his voice is soft, and his thumb is rubbing gentle circles on your cheek. You can’t help but lean into his hand. “This isn’t just a moment.”

Your breath hitches in your throat. You almost do throw yourself into him, you’re this close. You want so badly to just give into him for the third time, but the memories come back flooding to you before you can try.

You let out a shaky breath, and you have to move his hand away in order to get your next words out.

“Then what was it last time?”

Seungmin stays silent. His lips are parted as if he’s going to speak, but no words leave his throat. You search his eyes for an answer, noticing a mixture of surprise and shock for a second, then a flash of regret. He casts his gaze down, blinking a few times to recompose himself before looking back up at you.

An uncomfortable silence hangs in the air. Your stare shifts from his eyes to his lips and back as you wait for him to speak. But still, nothing comes out. Your chest tightens at the lack of response.

A minute passes by, and Seungmin still hasn’t uttered a word. You feel crushed under the silence, physically and emotionally, and your body scrambles to find a way out before your brain can catch up.

“Wait, Y/N—” Seungmin mumbles, grabbing your hand before you can step away from him. You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from looking.

“Seungmin, I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” he pleas. You don’t need to turn your head to know he’s giving you that soft, desperate look. Those goddamn fucking puppy dog eyes you always fell for in the past, and you knew if you even dared to look, you’d fall for it again.

“I can’t.” You say, shaking your hand to loosen his grip on it and begin to gather the rest of your things. “You can’t even say a word to me.”

“I am right now,” Seungmin grabs your hand one more time and succeeds in making you turn around this time.

You huff, letting your eyes trail up to this. “Okay, then tell me. If this isn’t another passing moment to you, then what was it last time?”

You clutch your purse in your hand, watching him expectantly for an answer. But another silence fills the air, and this one is louder than ever.

You don’t let the silence go on as long this time. Instead, you sling your purse over your shoulder, grabbing the rest of your things as you storm out of the room.

“I’ll see you at the wedding, Seungmin,” you say, and you turn to look back at him one more time. It takes everything in you to keep yourself from running back once you see the regret etched on his face. “Let me know if you ever have an actual answer for me.”

→→

“Now introducing, Mr. and Mrs. Bang!”

The room bursts into applause and as he watches his older sister gaze at the love of her life, happiness begins to overflow in Seungmin’s chest. For years, he’s watched Mina adorn pages in her journal, and, the minute she had access to a smartphone, her Pinterest, with ideas of her dream wedding. She had every little detail laid out—from the sequins on her dress to the exact shade of the streamers that graced the walls of the venue. It made him roll his eyes at the time, but to see everything actually come to life with the man of his sister’s dreams, it now makes his heart swell with pride.

As Mina interlocks with her fingers with Chan’s, the audience stands up to watch the newlyweds walk back down the aisle, time seems to slow down for Seungmin. He follows her as she swings her hands with her new husband, her eyes all sparkly as she looks around at all her loved ones. As happy as he is for her, he can’t help but feel the slightest twinge of envy. It sounds bad to say on his sister’s literal wedding day, but he can’t deny it anymore.

Especially not after seeing Y/N again.

But Seungmin knows there’s a time and place for his feelings now, and his sister’s special day is not one of them. So he swallows it down, and, as the attendees follow the couple out to the reception, he gently pushes through the crowd to meet Mina up at the front.

Seeing his sister so happy up close seems to bring back the warmth pooling in his stomach. “You… you look beautiful.”

Mina sends him a closed-eyed smile, patting Seungmin’s arm with her free hand. “Thank you. And thank you for being here.”

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

As Mina looks up at Seungmin, she can’t help but feel a sense of pride at how grown up her baby brother seemed to be and how much he had changed compared to his high school self.

Mina’s smile grew wider as did Seungmin’s, “I’m really proud of you, by the way,”

Seungmin feels his cheeks heat up and he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “This is meant to be about you,”

Rolling her eyes, Mina chuckles. “It is, but it doesn’t mean I can’t praise my baby brother does it?”

Seungmin’s eyes furrow together partly because of the question, but also because of the baby brother. “I’m not a baby.”

Shaking her head, she gazes at her new husband quickly before looking back at Seungmin. “I don’t know. Your new brother-in-law would say otherwise.”

“That’s because he’s like 100 years old and everyone is baby to him,” Seungmin mutters, rolling his eyes. Mina slaps his arm, narrowing her eyes at her younger brother.

“He’s 26, don’t be dramatic.”

“My point still stands,” Seungmin continues to mutter, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets.

Seungmin lets out a silent sigh as his eyes flicker around the room. His shoulders dropping slightly when he can’t seem to find the person he;s looking for: you.

“Why the long face?” Mina asks, “Looking for someone?”

Seungmin nods silently, his eyes still checking around the room for you.

“For Y/N?” Mina questions.

Seungmin clears his throat, his ears feeling the heat.

“Maybe…”

“Oh…” Mina’s voice drops. “You just missed her. She caught me just a minute ago and said she wasn’t feeling good. she just congratulated me and left.”

Seungmin’s shoulders drop and he does his best to smile at Mina.

Mina smiles wider, in hopes of calming him, maybe even giving him some hope. “You could go ask Gwen? She’s sharing a room with her anyway, so i’m sure she’ll know more than I do.”

Seungmin nods quickly, a hopeful smile indeed covering his face.

When his eyes focus on Mina again, she’s already looking over her shoulder, lovingly gazing at Chan as he’s chatting with Felix and another blonde that Seungmin didn’t know the name of.

“I don’t want to keep you,” Seungmin pats Mina’s shoulder. “Get back over to the love of your life.”

Mina’s grin widens at the words love of your life as she nods. Seungmin could practically see the hearts floating above her head.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Seungmin laughs and Mina just hums before she parts from Seungmin and wraps her arms around Chan’s waist when she gets close to him. Seungmin watches as Chan turns to her, his own dopey smile on his lips as he places a kiss on her hairline.

After a moment, Seungmin inhales deeply and his eyes scan the room for his new target, Gwen. She was honestly pretty easy to find, especially when she had the loud-mouth Jisung by her side–constantly.

When he sets his sights on Gwen and Jisung, Gwen is leant up against the wall and Jisung is basically hopping in place beside her. A concerned frown is etched into Gwen’s face and Jisung is doing his best, albeit not very well, to cheer her up.

“Gwen, Jisung!” Seungmin calls out as he soon stops in front of them.

Gwen stands instantly, her concerned frown now in a forced smile. “Seungmin, what’s up?”

“Mina told me Y/N left, do you know where she went?

Gwen’s face fell as she turned to look at Jisung. Jisung rubs the back of his neck.

“She left, she’s catching a train back to the city…” Jisung explains.

Gulping, Seungmin nods his head slowly.

“If you go now, you might be able to catch her, but you have to be quick.”

Seungmin perks up and nods his head quickly. The hopeful smile soon appearing back on his face. “Thank you.”

Gwen takes a deep breath and slips her hand into Jisung’s and squeezes it lightly.

“Do you think he’ll get there in time?” Gwen asks, her eyes lingering on the space where Seungmin once was.

Jisung squeezes her hand back, “we can only hope.”

“Yeah, lets hope.” Gwen slips her hand away from jisung’s grasp and makes her way back into the crowd. Leaving Jisung alone, staring at her with a small frown on his face and his heart missing the warmth of her hand.

Seungmin gasps for breath as he rushes out of the lobby of the hotel. Resting his hands on his knees, he frantically looks around to try and find a sign of you. However, no matter where he looked nothing seemed to appear.

Feeling the vibrations from his phone in his pocket. He fishes it out and a text alert from Mina appears on his screen.

Annoying Sister: 5:01 pm

She’s at central station, it leaves in an hour… Good Luck!

Seungmin smiles to himself. It’s the exact sign he needs to keep going.

→→

The small ding comes from your phone as it confirms the payment for your train ticket. Slipping it into your pocket, you smile sheepishly at the ticket attendant and take the printed-out tickets from his hands.

With a small thank you, you take your suitcase and let it trail behind you as you slowly start to make your way over to an electronic sign board to look to see which platform your train would be leaving from.

You were lucky enough to only have to catch one train back to the main city and from that station, you could easily catch the bus back to your apartment. Sure, it would be a long journey, especially by train, but you’d rather that than have to potentially face another awkward encounter with Seungmin after everything that had happened that morning.

Stepping up onto the platform, you find an empty seat and pull out your phone frowning at the notifications on your lock screen.

Gwen<3: 5:15 pm

Are you sure you want to leave? You can still ride with us in the morning…

y/nnie: 5:45 pm

Yeah, It would be best. I just don’t know if I could cope with facing him again.

Gwen<3: 5:46 pm

Okay:/ just make sure to get home safe okay?

Angling your phone up, you try to smile as you take a quick selfie to send to her. Not really caring what it looked like, you hit send and exit out of the messages app. Pulling up the gram, you scroll through your feed, randomly liking pictures posted by the few idols you liked, the random meme pages you followed and even some distance friends you had from school that you never bothered to unfollow.

You pause, however, when a photo of Mina and Chan appears on your timeline. In the photo, they’re gazing into each other’s eyes, loved-up dopey grins spread so wide across their faces that it reached their eyes. The caption reads three cheers for true love, and your heart can’t help but strain.

You couldn’t help but think of Seungmin and regret– not the time you spent together, but how you spent it together. It was like a moment, and it passed by so quickly without you even stopping to think about it. How, in the beginning, you didn’t want to face him, but you found yourself getting caught up with him the moment he set his sights on you.

You wished you could go back, but it was too late. It was too late to change what had happened. You wished you could live in this fantasy of the weekend forever. You wished you could stay beside him and lay in his arms forever.

But the moment you would step foot on the train, everything would go back to the way it was– like nothing ever happened. There would be no Seungmin, there would be another weekend of laying in his arms and enveloping yourself in his being.

It would go back to the daily torture of university and job searching. You would go back to wishing that you and Seungmin could be more than whatever you were.

Wishing you could go back and relive the weekend.

Seungmin’s leg bounces up and down anxiously as he’s sat in the back of the taxi cab. Silently praying that the damn driver would just hurry up already. Cursing him out mentally for not realising how much of an emergency this was and how bad Seungmin needed to get to the train station.

All luck seems to turn on Seungmin apparently when the cab comes to a sudden halt and a choir of car horns ring out around him– including the one from the cab he’s in.

Leaning forward, he peers through the front window. “What’s going on?”

“I dunno,” the driver shrugs, tapping on his steering wheel. “Traffic jam or something.”

“How far away are we from the train station?”

The driver looks back at him with an odd look on his face, but speaks when he sees how frantic Seungmin is. “Like ten minutes if you run?”

Digging cash out of his wallet, Seungmin throws it at the driver before hopping out of the car at lightning speed and a keep the change falling from his lips. Ignoring the way the driver is calling after him, Seungmin is too focused on running through the packed-up street. His deep breath and the sounds of his hands hitting cars as he’s sliding through the gaps to get onto the sidewalk fill his ears.

Seungmin is sure he’s never ran so fast in his life, but as the train station comes into view, it only pushes him to run faster.

He pushes through the crowds of people and up to a ticket guard, his words spewing out of his mouth with little care. He haphazardly pays, grabs the tickets and runs over to the signboard.

When he finds your platform on the map, all he can do is hope he gets there on time.

Your eyes linger on the signboard overhead of the platform as the minutes until your train arrives slowly tick away. A sudden dread fills your stomach and it’s like your body is screaming at you not to go.

Your mind and your body still burn with the memories of Seungmin’s touch, How after one night, it was like your body became more dependent– more addicted to his touch than you had ever experienced.

A bubble got caught in your throat as the overhead announcer called out about the arrival of your train. Your stomach drops.

You’re not ready to go back to normal life. You’re not sure if you’d ever be ready to go back to a life without Seungmin. All of your being was calling out for him– calling out for a sign to stay, for a reason to stay.

But when nothing seems to answer, you round up your bags and watch as the train slows and pulls to a stop in front of you and after a moment or two, the little buttons lit up to show it was now okay to open the train doors.

The stinging feeling prickles your eyes as you stare at the now-open door. This was it, the return back to reality.

You lift your suitcase onto the train and step on after it. You don’t bother to attempt to wipe away the tears that fall from your eyes, not when the ones you wipe would instantly be replaced.

A voice you recognise instantly calls out from the platform.

“WAIT!”

Seungmin just barely gets onto the train as the doors close behind him. His face is red and he’s gasping for air.

“S-Seungmin…” You blink, your mouth agape. “What are you doing here?”

Once he’s caught his breath, he stands up straight and looks you straight in the eyes.

“I’m here for you,” he declares. “I’m here to talk to you.”

You continue to look at him, waiting for him to continue.

However, before he gets the chance, the train stutters into life, causing you to fall into Seungmin’s chest, his arms wrapping instantly around you for protection.

Pushing your lips into a thin line, you stare up at him, your heart hammering against your chest. “Say what you were going to say, Min,”

His gaze on you softens as he takes a deep breath. “I care about you,” he exhales. “A lot.”.

Humming, you nod. “I care about you too.”

“No, it’s… it’s more than that.”

Seungmin opens his mouth, closes it and opens it again. It’s like he’s bringing up all of the courage he needs to say what’s really on his mind. Especially when it was too late to back out now– not that he even wanted to.

He wanted to say everything he had to say, he was going to say it.

"I've been waking up daily for the past three years wishing I could take back what I said, wishing I could take back everything. But then you were at the wedding and it was like a chance to spend time with you, to relive and to act like we were back then. It was like I was given a chance to make things right by some creature above.” Seungmin pauses, he brings up his hand to lightly brush some of your hair out of your face.

“Min…” You start, but he shakes his head before you can even continue.

“Wait, let me finish first?” Seungmin says as more of a question than a statement. You just nod, a small smile playing on your lips.

“I wasn't lying when I said it wasn't just a moment between us. It wasn't just a moment back then, either, and I was so stupid for running and hiding, calling it a passing moment when I knew fully well that it wasn't. It never was and it never will be. Please just… let me prove it to you.”

You feel your heart quicken in pace as he continues his speech. His eyes are so full of love and sincerity that you don’t know how to cope.

What Seungmin didn’t seem to know was he already had your heart, he had it ever since your senior year.

After everything, he still meant everything.

“I was an idiotic teenager who didn't know how to face or even acknowledge what I wanted. I can't go back and change that and I’ll forever regret how I made you feel back then, but I know now I don't want to make that same mistake again, I don't want to lose my chance to be with you again. So please, can we start over?”

His hands rest on your cheeks, making sure you’re staring into his eyes as he says his next words:

“Because Y/N, I don't just want you for tonight or for the weekend… I want you forever. ”

107 notes · View notes

amrv-5 · 1 year ago

Note

HI ⭐️! (loved Droughtland, would love to hear commentary) :)

HELLO and THANK YOU FOR THE ASK and I'm SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT I loved WRITING IT ARGHH!!!! Also tagging in @catgrub who asked the same just a few minutes later -- HELLO and THANK YOU ZANE!!! Since there were two recs for Droughtland I feel like the extreme length of the following Commentary can be excused.

(For context: I realized I've got 0 idea of how to do a Director's Commentary except for ones I've seen where directors just rewatch their own movie and speak overtop of it, so, I did the same except with reading and typing. This is my read-along author commentary on Droughtland, arranged in chronological order--feel free to look at it with the OG, or not, it should stand alone just fine. Or ignore it entirely. My god it's fucking long, so sorry. Anyway, onwards.)

Okay close reading. Okay commentary. Engaging on this journey together yaaaay.

[Iowa, 1962]

Okay, from the first line, we’re invoking concerns of location, identity, belonging, otherness—Radar struggling to adjust to home because he senses he’s been changed by his experiences in a way that makes him incompatible with the life he used to lead. He’s good at his job, we sense that he’s well-respected, but he’s undeniably not entirely present. Everything he does, sees, thinks, remembers, ends up in service of the Project, which I think I’ve (maybe not obviously or even all that consciously) tried to imply has an element of spiritual or religious calling to it, given that we’re introduced to it in a church.

And retrospectively enjoying the complexity of Radar running the line between escapism and catharsis in his writing at the end of this first section. He misses the people he was close to, that much is clear, and writing is a way to feel close to them. And yet he’s also mentally returning over and over again to a war. A theme I’ve played with in the background of my BeejHawk fics, and more centrally in Droughtland, is one I sort of cribbed from Michael Herr’s Dispatches: Who are you after the most defining event of your life has ended?

[Iowa, 1952]

...And who are you when you KNOW the most defining event of your life has ended? That’s not to say the War Was A Good Experience and One To Reminisce Over. In fact the war being experientially horrific only complicates this idea more. I’m fascinated by how somebody goes about the rest of their life knowing with near-certainty that anything / everything they experience will likely never be as impactful on their sense of self and arc of life than a single past event. Anyway, this ends up concerning Radar greatly, who moves from that Defining Event—Drafted Into the Korean War—back to the rhythms of family and farm life, where he expects himself to be content with the life he’d always assumed he’d have. Actually I’ve read more and realized I had him state that concern textually, rendering this redundant. Ah well. Moving on.

Okay, something else—Radar and writing and fiction and voice. I wanted to get across very clearly that the driving force of his writing is a direct desire to communicate—his first attempt at beginning the book takes the form of an introduction (“My name is Radar O’Reilly”), and he states that writing lets a fellow talk to people who aren’t around. The silent implication being, then, that he’s got no-one real to talk to. Another important set of questions getting kicked around in this piece: Why do we write? Is writing still communication if it’s never shared?

I wanted to play with the idea specifically of writing in relation to loneliness. If you’ve got nobody to talk to, or no way to express yourself meaningfully, or nobody who is interested in understanding you, it makes a lot of sense to sink into the realm of the creative, which we see Radar do here very explicitly. He doesn’t have any close connections, really, or at least not ones he thinks he can explain his new sense of self to, so he turns to writing. Summoning the last people who really understood how he felt, in some ways, writing to communicate with people who are dead or gone from him. Making some record of himself, his experiences, the way he sees the world—an attestation of self, or something, in direct defiance of a landscape and life that feels flat, uncaring, inaccessible—he starts writing alone in a field.

[Iowa, 1959]

Next—mm, field fire section, which was my favorite to write. I’m clearly and obviously soft for rural concerns. I know it’s been pointed out that my voice is significantly different in this fic than in my others, and I’ll admit that I did dip into the author-voice I usually reserve for my personal fictionalizations of family histories, which largely concern, go figure, rural American questions of identity, place, belonging, family, fulfillment, etc. And yet the usual Vonnegut-y sensibilities aren’t wholly gone—the idea of Radar being a volunteer fireman was lifted both from Vonnegut’s life AND volunteer firefighters' positioning in his work as bastions of selfless humanity and civic duty. I like the idea of a latently lonely Radar doing all these very quiet upright civically-minded things. Frequently good people are dealt bad hands, and aren’t cared for by their communities, and still go on doing good anyway.

[Iowa, 1963]

Reading on—and the arrival of BeejHawk. It’s been long enough by this point that Radar’s sort of been subsumed by the Project. We see that tendency in him as he anticipates seeing ‘Dr. Pierce’ and meets Hawkeye instead.

And then—AH! At last! The title is Droughtland, obviously, and that’s a multivalent image, but here’s at least one moment and facet of relief: Sometimes, he thought, a fellow just needed words. Words and words and words like rain on a drought. And the good doctors Pierce and Hunnicutt had always known how to talk up a storm.

As much as it’s a relief, it’s also destabilizing to suddenly have people notice him after so long living almost entirely within himself—Hawkeye calling him Radar shocks him into silence—wow, I’m realizing belatedly just HOW MUCH this fic is about loneliness, actually. Funny the things you can catch on a reread. His name is important, that’s all, and Hawkeye would understand that.

Meanwhile BeejHawk as a unit are very clearly sensing something wrong—not wrong, maybe, but not all right, either. Radar’s Restaurant Allegory is key here as he admits that ‘enjoyment’ is absolutely meaningless in the context of his life—it doesn’t matter if you like the restaurant if it’s the only option. It’s not that he likes or dislikes it—it’s that forming and expressing an opinion would be pointless. This is a stand-in for his opinion on life, which Hawkeye finds distressing, though I think he’d agree with Radar to a degree on his related idea that happiness, delight, joy are intentional practices more than consistent feelings (another idea cribbed from elsewhere: Ross Gay’s Book of Delights, which I am coming to realize sunk way more deeply into my psyche at age 19 than I thought. I may elaborate someday if there’s ever an interest in Parker Creative Nonfiction because the story’s sort of ???, but also, maybe not).

Anyway, Hawk at last manages to drag a bit of real sentiment out of Radar: writing, and the Project, where so much of his internal life is focused (Hawk makes a Lot’s wife joke, because of course he does, but also I like him invoking a story where somebody looks backward on something terrible and suffers for their inability to turn away).

And from here Radar takes the plunge and finally gives all that lonely writing an audience. Terrifying, but it pays off—Hawk affirms that he’s very good (important to me that Radar’s very good as a writer coming from outside a formal academic context. Everybody has the potential to create resonant art, and I wanted to be clear that Radar’s interest in something like the Iowa Writer’s Workshop isn’t the need to be Validated by the Institution or to Escape some sort of poorly-informed or condescending vision of Rural Nonintellectualism (bad themes!!! I hate them!!! NOT at play here, or at least consciously attempted to subvert) but as an extension of the desire for artistic community. To be seen and heard, instead of all the silent listening he’s been doing for years.)

The tradeoff of communicating, by the way—Hawk is a good listener, and picks up on a number of things maybe Radar wasn’t even aware he was revealing in his work—loneliness, vague dissatisfaction, a focus on finding interior fulfillment when the external world fails to provide. Scary, destabilizing, embarrassing… but eventually very, very good. For Radar, at least, who’s suddenly feeling like he’s allowed to want something.

Moving on. Hawkeye’s reaction to learning he’s a part of Radar’s Project. Obviously he’s worried about how he’s going to come across. I think it’s a very scary thing to be the object of cameras, of writerly gaze, all of it, because it creates an image that exists entirely outside the object's control. How horrifying/enticing/awful/fascinating it’s got to be to be able to find out how you exist in another person’s mind… and when that image was formed in the lowest years of your life… of course Hawk’s apprehensive. And clearly it rattles him—but maybe in the way any really, really resonant art rattles us, based on his next-morning response.

Hawk comes downstairs and we get this baffling little kiss scene, which I’ll be honest I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant when I was writing, only that it felt right. But now I’m thinking it’s clearly an exchange of seeing—Hawk feels he’s been thoroughly Seen in Radar’s work, for better or worse, and comes downstairs to communicate in this abstract way that he sees Radar, too—and affirms what he sees.

So we end with these moments, finally, of communication and understanding and connection. Very obviously there’s the Hawk-Radar connection, which is so intense and emotive it’s basically psychic (what's good writing if not successfully communicating an idea or image with all original emotive force and vividness from one mind to another?). There’s also Beej, who isn’t Hawk’s brand of incidentally clairvoyant, but is all around a very bright, kind, warm person who’s able to give Radar the sort of horrendously necessary everyday sort of conversation and care that makes life bearable, the kind it’s so easy to take for granted when you’re experiencing it regularly. And then there’s BJ stepping in to hold Hawk even if he doesn’t fully understand what’s transpired between Hawk and Radar, because he knows Hawk and knows that he needs a second of support, which is sort of psychic in its own way.

And that's the end. So, overall, I’d say the thing is very directly related to the title—drought of the soul which is only starting to lift by the end of the piece. One storm doesn’t solve a drought, after all—you need consistent rain, and time for ecological repair. And still the first few drops of rain after a dry spell feel awfully good.

#THANK YOU BOTH FOR THE ASK!!!!!!#and. i'm soooo sorry for the length of this I was having Fun. do not feel obligated to Actually read it it's Excessively Detailed #anyway. ouuugh #droughtland #fic commentary

10 notes · View notes

ao3feed-sidlink · 2 years ago

Text

Who would've though a simple trip to Kakariko would be so life-changing!

by gay_shipping_trash

This trip was meant to be a bonding experience for Link and his daughter, a chance for her to learn how to fend for herself in Hyrule and explore the vast world around her. The anticipation of adventure and the excitement of her new sword filled her with glee as they set out on their journey. However, the sudden turn of events brought an end to their happy trip.

But then the weather took a turn for the worse. The rain poured down, and the wind howled, making it difficult to hear anything else. Yet, even in the midst of everything, Link couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.

As the storm raged on, the cliffside above them began to crumble, and small rocks tumbled down. Link quickly turned to his daughter, fear evident in his eyes. He knew he had to act fast, cause as if in slow motion, part of the cliff gave out, and two massive boulders were headed straight towards her.

In a split second decision, Link grabbed Mipha by the shoulders and threw her out of the rock's path, but in doing so, put himself in harm's way. As the boulders came crashing down, Link's heart pounded in his chest. He hoped his daughter was safe and would be able to find help.

---

So... this is what i've been doing

Words: 11618, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild/Tears Of The Kingdom

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Gen, M/M

Characters: Sidon (Legend of Zelda), Link (Legend of Zelda), Paya (Legend of Zelda), King Dorephan, The Sheikah, Original Legend of Zelda Character(s), Original Characters, Bazz (Legend of Zelda), Mipha's Ghost (Legend of Zelda), Mipha (Legend of Zelda), Zoras (Legend of Zelda)

Relationships: Prince Sidon/Link, pre-established Sidlink

Additional Tags: sidlink - Freeform, but it doesn't really do much since their in separate places, but its there, Original Characters - Freeform, including nextgen kids, naming your children after dead relatives, cause thats what most of us do in sidlink, Storms, like big storms, getting crushed by rocks, its link but spoiler he lives, loss of a leg, I doubt anyone else is using these tags in the same way I am..., Trauma, Crying, Like lots of it, like half of this is just straight up tears, Bazz has a kid!, Pre-Established Relationships, Sidlink is heavily implied, Blood, Mentions of Blood, cause a leg gets cut off, kinda what happens, character slowly dying, but he doesnt die in the end, I really dont know how to tag lol, Sidlink isnt the main focus, but this fic cant happen without it, Rivan is briefly mentioned, like just one sentence, Kakariko Village, Zora's Domain, Hyrule in general, what else should I put here?, Sidon worries constanly, Bazz has some dad jokes, picking the kid up from school, cause that's a parent thing, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, like actually, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Maybe - Freeform, idk - Freeform, Written mostly while listening to Radiohead-No Surprises, I wrote this listening to Radiohead's music, its a good song for writing sad shit, Put at mature cause I didn't want to take any chances, you're still reading these tags?, Here's a cookie, I feel like there should be more tags but I cant think of any

From https://ift.tt/9Qdy0Xn https://archiveofourown.org/works/46642795

#ao3feed-sidlink #sidlink #sidon x link #prince sidon x link #link botw #prince sidon #breath of the

6 notes · View notes

marshmallowloves · 8 months ago

Text

I'll list my own! Cause that's the whole reason I made this post actually fjshfjg

(under the cut tho for my absurd amount of f/os sjfkshd. Some are missing because not everyone has a ship name/tag yet)

Based on one of the lines Nico says in the game ("This is clearly a sign that I should not have called"), but turning it on its head, implying that her answering the phone call was clearly a sign that they were supposed to end up together.

DTTR!Sierra + Nico - Clearly A Sign

SM!Sierra + James - My Destiny Is With You

The title of the good ending for James's route in SM2. It's pretty perfect as is!

Tesni + Ghirahim - A World Of Our Own

When I first wrote Tesni, her goal was to quite literally create separate but parallel worlds/realities in which everyone was accommodated for, including one where she and Ghirahim were together and ruled it. Her story has changed but I've been calling it this for so long I don't wanna change the name dkdjfj

Tesni + Midna - Warmth From The Twilight

Tesni's name means "warmth from the sun," and she and Midna are both from the Twilight Realm. Also kinda saying that they find warmth in each other.

Tesni + Midna + Ghirahim - Something Beyond

The title of the fic I intended to write that covered the whole story of these three, including how they came to be a poly ship.

Magma!Cici + Maxie - ToastedMarshmallowShipping

Following the Pokémon ship naming convention of [blank]Shipping. Maxie is the "toasted" part (as the leader of Team Magma) and Cici is the "marshmallow" part (because. well. I think this should be a little obvious gkdhfj)

SS!Seppen + Sousuke - Snow Bunnies

The story that's read in Sousuke's CD is about two rabbits that end up together, and Seppen's name means "snowflake."

Cordula + Pit - Cupid's Arrow

Cordula is a love cherub (kind of like Cupid/Eros), and also Pit kinda gives off Cupid vibes in his design. They also both use bows and arrows which is kind of on the nose fjshf. Also describes how quickly Cordula grew feelings for him, like she was hit with an arrow from Cupid.

TK!Cecil + Yoshimitsu - At Your Service

Part of their meeting story is Cecil performing repair services for Yoshi's prosthetic arm. "At your service" is also a pretty gentlemanly or honorable sounding phrase that fits Yoshi in my opinion, and how he'd treat Cecil.

UT!Cici + Sans - SAVEd and Loved

I only slightly BS'd this one fkdhfm. "Saved" being in all caps to reference the mechanic in Undertale, and also because he kind of saves my S/I from herself...in a sense. I didn't flesh it out much, you just gotta take my word for it gkdhfjg

ME!Cecil + Sir Dan - The Waltzing Dead

Before Dan died, he and Cecil would often sneak into King Peregrine's ballroom in the middle of the night just to waltz together by themselves, and now they're both dead. Also play on words of "the walking dead" fjdhf

Sylrie + Abe - A Blessed Union

Sylrie is a shaman (blessed), and the "union" refers to both the union of her and Abe, and also union like...the workers thing that very much doesn't exist in OddWorld but would be WILD if it did gjdhfj

Koci + Link - Wild Child

"Wild" for BOTW/TOTK being the Wild era games, and "child" for Koci's youthful behavior (and how she's born of the forest). I also just like how it's alliterative gjsjf

Koci + Linebeck - Minuet of the Sea

Minuet of Forest for Koci, "of the sea" for Linebeck since he's a sailor. Together they make a sea shanty maybe? fjdhfj

AA!Sierra + Edgeworth - The Law of Attraction

Not gonna lie I just looked up flirty lawyer/courtroom puns and one liners and liked this one the best gjdhfjg

Koci + Yuga - Stained Glass

Koci is seen by Yuga as delicate and fragile like glass. Koci in turn is sort of being tainted by associating with such a wicked man as Yuga, hence the "stained." And combined, stained glass is very pretty - fitting for Yuga's obsession with beauty and seeing it in Koci.

Rina + Raiden - Of Heaven and Earth

Rina is loosely based on an angel (in her design and her healing abilities), but resides as a mortal. Meanwhile Raiden is an actual god, and is also the protector of Earthrealm.

Snowflake + Aizawa - Snowhead

Just a portmanteau of their Hero names - Snowflake and Eraserhead. (Unintentional but I also think of the location from Twilight Princess, Snowhead gjdhgj)

SDV!Sierra + Elliott - Lilac Prose

"Purple prose" is a term used to describe a very verbose and fancy-sounding (and often romantic) writing style that often comes off as cheesy. The name I gave the farm for my S/I is Lilac, and it fits since lilac is a shade of purple.

FE!Cecil + Chrom - Just You And Me

It's just the last few words of Chrom's confession quote in Awakening c:

Cesylia + Takumi - Tempered Heartstrings

"Tempered" for Takumi's temper, and also because "tempered" is the word for strengthening something (like a weapon...or their relationship). Heartstrings for love/feelings, and also Takumi's bow fkdhf.

Sepria + Kohga - Subverted Expectations

The title of the first fic I wrote about Sepria and Kohga. It was a temporary name actually but I haven't been able to think of a better one and this one's kind of sticking anyway gjdhf. It fits anyway though, as Sepria is surprised by Kohga's kindness given the reputation of the Yiga, and Kohga is surprised by Sepria's capabilities and dedication given how she was when they first met.

S. Thesia + Cortex - Experimental Procedure

In reference to their jobs (scientist for Cortex, surgeon for Synes) that both deal largely with experimentation. Also describes the status of their relationship - neither of them are sure what the hell they are, so they're just kinda testing the waters with this romance thing.

S. Thesia + N. Gin - Fuzzy Slippers

Okay this one's actually kinda personal fkshfj before I really knew what selfshipping was, I liked the idea of N. Gin calling me/my OC/persona his "fuzzy slipper" because I was playing CTTR at the time and figured he would like fuzzy slippers as more than just a component for his vehicle, and would see them as cute and soft etc. I would write this very often as his nickname for my character and it's stuck ever since.

Sirela + Orbulon - Interstellar Infatuation

Honestly this one's not that deep. It's exactly what it says on the tin! Both infatuated with a being from beyond their respective stars.

DOL!Cici + Robin - Safe With You

I am...*pretty* sure this is part of dialogue that Robin can say in-game. A line like "I feel so safe with you." I honestly can't remember but it sounds about right skfjg

Trainer Sierra + Arven - FluffernutterShipping

Again following the Pokémon ship naming convention of [blank]Shipping. Sandwiches are Arven's thing, and I wanted to combine that with marshmallow (me). Literally googled "sandwich with marshmallow in it" and genuinely forgot that fluffernutters existed until I did so, and it fit perfectly fkshfjg

ooh I got an idea. what's the reason behind your ship names for you/your S/I and your F/O? is it significant to their individual characters, is it related to their dynamic together, is it a pun, phrase, song lyric, a portmanteau of their names, it just sounds good/sounds like it fits them, anything!

6 notes · View notes

raplinesmoon · 2 years ago

Text

Doom Boy (KNJ x F!Reader) - Teaser

pairing: Namjoon x reader genres/au/rating: angst, smut, some fluff, mafia au, 18+ summary: Namjoon was a doom boy - he’d spent his entire life running from the ghosts of his past, keeping you and your son safe from the monsters that lurked on the city streets. He should have known that one day they’d catch up to him.

warnings: Namjoon has a shady past, implied sexual content, sexting, this teaser is more fluffy than the rest, more warnings to come with the final fic

word count: 597 for the teaser

a/n: hi again!! I’m slowly trying to fight this crippling writer’s block, and wouldn’t you know it, the Sexc Nukim video dropped and gave me a burst of inspo for a little fic for the loml. I hope to have this out sometime next week for Joon’s birthday, I hope you all like it (let me know if you’d like to be tagged)!

Thank you to Ryen @kithtaehyung for the gorgeous banner!!

glossary:

jobumo - grandparents in Korean

By all accounts, it was a typical Friday. The sun blazed down on the pavement, rivulets of sweat making their way down Namjoon’s back on his commute home from the office. Shuddering, he loosens his tie, eager to let the shackles of his mundane office job fall away from his being. Combing a hand through the strands of his hair, he thinks that maybe he should get a haircut next week, but ultimately decides against it when he imagines your face in his mind, lips pursed in a pout and eyes shimmering with the glimmer of unshed tears.

I love your hair like this, he can hear you whisper breathlessly, his mind flitting back to the memory of your fingers tugging at the strands nearly a month ago, daring him to pull you into another kiss after what had already been an endless night tangled up in the sheets, making the most of the precious time Min-Jae had at his jobumo’s house. He’d never been able to deny you a single thing, not since the moment your hand had shyly slipped into his on the walk back from your college library, the comfortable silence between you two soon blossoming into a life he’d never dared to dream of for himself.

His steps become quicker as he grows more restless, pushing through the endless hordes of city-goers around him, the tall skyscrapers casting a grim shadow above the streets below. He’s suffocated by the heat as soon as he steps into the subway, descending multiple flights of stairs until he sees freedom within his reach, signified by the screeching of wheels against the railway track.

Stepping into the air-conditioned compartment, Namjoon lets himself breathe, shrugging the strap of his satchel back against his shoulders, his eyes surveying the crowded train compartment. The train comes to a halt at the next station, the doors hissing to let the next group of commuters on, and he pales when he sees the ghost of a reflection in the glass — someone he hadn’t seen for years.

For a moment, he thinks his eyes are playing tricks on him, the tall, broad shoulders and dark ebony hair of a man his height disappearing as soon as the train starts again, but Namjoon remains deeply unsettled, the acrid memories of his past coming back to haunt him the most in moments like this. Moments where he didn’t have you, or Min-Jae, to remind him that with everything he’d left behind, he’d gained something exponentially more wonderful and precious.

His phone pings, snapping him out of his daze, and he looks down at it, a notification from you lighting up his screen. A smile makes its way onto his face, the tension seeping from his veins when he swipes on it.

Only to go slack-jawed a moment later. Namjoon looks around, making sure no one can see the bright light of his screen, before bringing the phone up closer, his mouth gaping at the picture you’d chosen to send him.

You hadn’t changed yet, the silky dress you’d picked out and shown him last night lying in a heap next to you on the bed, your body clad in the most provocative mix of lace and cut-outs, beyond anything his wicked mind could have conjured up.

Come home, you’d said. I can’t wait much longer.

Namjoon looks up as the train comes to another pause, a faint smirk making its way onto his face when he notes that it’s time for him to get off.

Date night could finally begin.

a/n pt 2: i hope you’re as excited as I am! thank you for being patient with me, I don’t deserve you all <3

310 notes · View notes

snailsgoingdowntown · 3 years ago

Text

Playing Pretend| Yan! Dazai

Yandere! Demon! Dazai x afab! Reader

There shouldn’t be any pronouns in this fic, but if there are, please tell me where so I can fix it.

Author’s Note: Coming back from my hiatus with a rewritten fic that I originally posted on wattpad. I changed a few things. It flopped over there lmao.

Warnings: dr.ug use, general yandere themes, implied/mentioned past abuse, toxic relationship(s), toxic behavior, obsessive behavior, codependence if you squint really hard, unhealthy mindset, mockery of religion, HEAVY religion themes, manipulation, destructive habits and lifestyle, smoking, self-hatred, mention of alcohol, abusive past relationship, implied toxic/abusive parents, implied depression. If I miss any, please tell me.

N/s/f/w warnings: Implied sexual content, implied finger/ing, one-night stands, cheating/infidelity (was supposed to be in the general warnings but too lazy to fix this), implied blo/w//job/. If I missed any, please tell me.

Disclaimer: I do NOT condone any of the harmful or dangerous behaviors that take place in this piece of fiction. None of this should be considered romantic or even normal as it is extremely toxic and dangerous. This is NOT a healthy relationship.

Please read the warnings above thoroughly, as ios banned a lot of tags and I won’t be tagging some things as I want this to pop up in search results.

MINIORS AND AGLESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT OR YOU WILL BE BLOCKED. HAVE YOUR AGE IN YOUR BIO. ONLY INTERACT IF YOU ARE 18 OR OLDER. READ MY DNI BEFORE INTERACTING TOO.

I am also not saying having multiple se/x partners is a bad thing, AS LONG AS EVERYONE IS A CONSENTING ADULT AND YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. Also, no cheating on your partner(s).

2840k

===

“I was raised to believe in God.”

“I know.”

“Then why can’t I do that?”

He answers smoothly, used to your repetition, always asking the same questions repeatedly. “Because, my dear,” he starts, a simper tugging at the corner of his lips, “You just don’t believe in him. Or maybe, you had lost faith in the same God that was supposed to guide you.” Mockery laced words that makes your skin crawl. He continues.

“You took the Devil’s hand, wanting to be spared of the suffering you brought upon yourself. You placed your faith in something, someone, who would not care of your soul were to be eaten up. You gave your entirety to the devil, hoping that God would take pity on you. Tell me, do you believe in the Devil? In God?”

It was a simple question. Or it was supposed to be. The priest of the church – a fraud- asks the question through the confessional booth, and you swore you could hear a quiet chuckle at the end of it. It was mocking in nature. Was he mocking God? The Devil?

You?

You furrow your brows, squeezing your thighs together, only to wince in pain from the bite marks that litter them. You were not an innocent person. But neither was this priest.

“Father, I’m not… I’m not sure.” You twiddle your fingers together. Did you believe in God? You were taught to, but did you believe in such a thing? If God was real, then so was the Devil. Lucifer, as they call him. Once was the most beautiful angel is now the ruler of hell – God’s favorite fell the furthest.

“Hm… I see. I think it would be best if we ended it here today and let you think about it.” It was not a friendly offering but rather a command layered in sweetness. A sweet demand. This man, this sly and dangerous man, was supposed to be the priest of the church. A holy man. Yet he was more akin to the Devil himself – a reason most stay away. He was the only one running it, pulling some strings behind the scenes to keep it open.

“Yes, Father. Thank you.”

You exit the confessional booth as he remains inside.

Everything hurts and everything was sore. Taught to believe in a God who has since long abandoned you – how laughable. You were taught to put all your faith, your entire being into a being who only saw you as a mere bug. But you try, wanting some sort of light in your life despite your numerous sins. Your salvation in this hellish world. But it – he is not.

You cannot see his expression, but you can feel it; he’s smirking. From the way he hums to the way he’s drumming his fingers against his seat; it’s all done in mockery. When he comes out of the confessional, your eyes meet honey brown, no warmness or light inside those all-seeing eyes of his. He towers over you as he comes to a stop just before you. He makes you feel like a mouse in a trap.

“Thank you again, Father.”

He smiles as you walk away, staying in place as you close the church doors. The priest of this church is a fraud, most staying away once they become aware of that fact. The priest of this church is a Devil in disguise, visitors staying away once they realize it. The priest of this church does no good in the name of God. The priest of this church is merely a fraud and will always remain one even with the cross dangling loosely from his neck.

Even with the robes. Even with his words that come off a sliver tongue. That priest is nothing but trouble, a danger to everyone and everything around him.

Perhaps that is why he became one in the first place.

The wind is as bitter as it is sharp. Needles piercing into you, the cold biting at your exposed skin. It cools your heated skin while brining you pain, but despite that, the freezing winter is better than a warm bed that carries the heat of another. It makes you feel alive, free of your sins and free of the shame that fills you every-day. But the remorse you were supposed to feel is nowhere in sight.

Your thoughts travel back to that false priest.

‘That priest… how long does he intend to play pretend?’

He knows that he does not belong and is not welcomed in the house of God. From the snickers during mass and his hollow words, he mocks him.

Shivering, you hug yourself as your coat does little to protect you from the cold. The wind howls as snow begins to fall from the sky at a rapid pace – when did it start to snow heavily? Everything was in a rush and daze, including you. Laughing bitterly at yourself, you shiver like an abused animal. Maybe you are one, and God is the bystander, watching in mirth as you get kicked around in the streets.

Staying with one man for the night.

Staying with his friend the next.

Being passed around like a bottle of whiskey.

The sky is completely covered by dark, dark clouds, snow falling at a harsher pace as the wind picks up. A storm is brewing, and you are about to be caught up in it.

“How fun,” comes the dry response to the thought.

It would be a lie, to say you weren’t lonely. Even on nights such as these. You feel lonely, even with the snoring, warm body next to you. An arm is lazily placed atop your stomach, the other holding his head as he sleeps. The extra weight is suffocating. The excitement always ends after the rush, and it becomes dull. Chasing for a high that never lasts can only get you so far – which is why you want to stop.

You think you want to stop. It can be dangerous and harmful, it can be draining, and it’s addictive for you. It’s a drug that might destroy you one day. This, sleeping around with random men and men you know, has been your lifestyle for little over a year now. And truthfully, you’re too scared to change; change is what drove you to this point, random unsaved numbers in your phone, scribbling out names, leaving hotel rooms in the early hours of the morning. Change is the reason you don’t have faith in God.

You were raised to believe in God.

But what happens when said God abandons you?

Do you stay, hoping that they – he – would come back and forgive your sins? Or do you turn your back as well, taking the hand of the devil in rebellion? Listening to the Devil when he tells you God never intended to forgive you nor to help you even if you seek him and change your ways.

They say that God loves everyone.

Is that true, though?

The night carries on, your eyes staying and tracing every crack on the ceiling. Shapes form in the shadows, dancing along the walls. The wind blows as the snowstorm carries on outside, your body warm under the covers. Warmth has never felt so forced, the shadows catching your eye. The man next to you awakens once again as he whispers into your ear. Bodies are tangled together, false words of love being said.

Love is what makes you feel empty.

Or maybe it is the lack of love that makes you so?

Your nails dig into his shoulder, as you close your eyes, deep in thought.

‘Ah. It doesn’t matter in the end anyway.’

The cycle continues.

The church was always empty, devoid of any human life. Any human life that is not him or desperate fools using him as a last result. And today, you are one of them. But you are not as foolish as they; for you know the true nature of the man who calls himself a priest. The simper that forms behind his hands, those eyes that gleam with mirth, that mockery laced in his words as he holds mass for the sole participant – you.

Your knees are still sore from the night before, praying as the titles dig into them. Commenting such a sinful act last night only to be in the house of God the next morning. It’s a mockery to God. A sin. Then again, when do you not sin the very name of God?

“Have you found your answer, my dear?” his voice is smooth and calming. But not sincere.

“I have, Father.”

He raises a brow, asking, “And what is your answer?”

You take in a deep breath. He’s going to laugh silently behind his hand once more. He always does whenever you show up.

“I believe in God, but…,” you trail off, fingers twiddling together as always. “I no longer put my faith in him.”

This earns you a quiet chuckle in return. You wait for him to respond, the clock ticking in the background. That is what you are. A ticking time-bomb. How long until you finally explode?

He finally answers after a moment of silence.

“If that is the case, then why do you keep coming here?”

“Why do you still welcome me when you realized that I had lost faith long ago? Before today, you already knew.”

The clock ticks and ticks and ticks. Time never stops, it will never stop or anyone or anything. Not even God can stop it. But at this very moment, it feels like time has come to a standstill. Your breathing is near silent and so is his. What will be his reply, you wonder? His excuse? His ploy, what is it? Is he stringing you along for amusement, telling lies to keep you on a leash? Or perhaps he will tell the truth.

It's hard to tell, with this fake priest.

“Because God himself will always welcome you. It would only make sense that I, a man of God, would do so as well.”

His response is lacking. It’s oddly irritating and annoying. Even now, he’s still going to keep this little act up? Or maybe, he’s playing with you. No. There is no ‘maybe’. He is.

You will not give him what he wants.

“I thought witches would be hunted down, Father.”

“…Pardon?”

For once, the priest is caught off guard – taken aback, eyes widen in surprise and voiced layered in surprised, no, shock. You let out a sigh, the confessional booth suddenly too warm for your liking. “I was told that those who do not believe in God are considered witches by my parents growing up. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but it might just have been a way to keep me in check. To make sure I never went against them and rebel.”

The man you always see but do not know the name of, is, for once, surprised. The lack of a response is enough to make you feel like you almost came out on top. Almost.

But considering who this man is, with a sharp wit and sliver tongue, he will always win at the end of the day. The storm outside is strong, but the one brewing between the two of you is stronger. This man is a fraud – using the title “Priest” as a plaything, a toy he will never tire of. And without realizing it, you had just become one as well.

He’ll make sure to corrupt you even more, to break you.

God has abandoned you long ago, anyway.

“The house of God shall always accept everyone, no matter their sins or views.”

“Such an interesting and lovely lie, Father.”

---

Winter is harsh this year.

Or at least that is the excuse this new man gives you, clothes scattered around the floor. Your bed is so much bigger, he claims, lips and fingertips touching every part of your exposed body. You lie, saying he’s always welcomed to spend another night in your bed or stay as long as he wants. Like a fool, he falls into your trap, starting another cycle of destructive desires that will soon ruin him. Just like you.

He fell for the worst person, pretty lies and false promises, never being able to make it official. Never allowed to make it official. What started with lust crumbles into dust as you allowed him a choice; to leave or stay, with the knowledge you will never be his. You are cruel, but not as cruel as God.

Like all the others, he leaves.

And the nights that follow are all lonely, even with a new partner every other week.

Nothing brings you peace, images of the first time flashing through your mind, the first time you ever did something like this – hands wondering your body as you explored theirs. Words of love that are not sincere. Sometimes, you wonder, if that first man knew you would turn out like this. He went to you when you were desperate, fooled you, pretended to love you. He corrupted you before you even knew what everything meant. You gave him everything only to received nothing in return.

He used you.

God was no different from that man – using you until they got what they wanted. Until they finished having their fun, keeping you on a short leash as though you were a dog. Forced to do tricks.

But you bit the hand that abused you.

And as punishment, he left without saying goodbye.

The cigarette tastes bitter and makes you cough; you take another drag. That man was the cause of this hellhole – making you believe that this is the true and only way to show ‘love’. that you can’t just ‘love’ one person, going around, being shared like a toy. Using sex as a coping mechanism along with drugs – another sin you have yet to tell the fake priest.

He was not sincere, but at the very least, he listened. He listened and pretended to care. He was using you for his own amusement, and you were aware of that. You knew yet you still went back.

Like an obedient dog.

“Father, I have committed another sin,” was the first thing you would always say in the confessional booth. And he always listens, with great interest. Like he was watching a soap opera. “The sin I committed this time was adultery. But then again, I always commit that, don’t I?” A bitter laugh follows your words.

“How so?”

“My brother’s married ‘friend’ came to me for comfort, last night. And I welcomed him into my bed.”

The priest hums in thought for a moment. You wait for him to say something. Anything. And when he finally replies, you try to hold in most of your laughter.

“You do indeed always welcome men into your bed, don’t you? Be it day or night; but all is forgiven, my dear. God will always forgive, and the house of God will always welcome you, no matter your sins.”

“You always tell that lie to me, Father. It is such a lovely lie. To think that I used to believe it.” Voice hoarse, you giggle. You giggle and pretend that the priest does care. Even if his words of comfort are not sincere and looks full of evil intent, it felt… nice. It felt nice, to tell someone about your sins. In a church that no-one goes to, a man who plays priest for fun and to mock God.

Your sins that stay unsaid in public are said to a man who is a demon in every sense. A demon who was bored of hell and decided to play pretend. A demon who tore off his own horns and tail, cutting his claws and putting on a charming smile.

Who’s to say that demons aren’t beautiful?

You went to him for comfort, once again.

But this time, it was in his bed, body warm and thoughts all over the place. sleeping with a pretend priest who only accepted your advances to mock God once more – it’s shameful. Not that you would know, words honeyed enough to almost trick you into thinking he cared. Your soul is his.

The Devil is dangerous.

But so are his demons.

With his lips on yours, and fingers in places they shouldn’t be, he takes his time in pleasuring himself. This isn’t about your pleasure, but his. This isn’t about you, but him, in his bed, the creaking and moans music to his ears. He would be lying if he said he didn’t hold any affection for you –

Just that it wasn’t healthy or even normal.

There is no happy ending here. At least, not for you. No, your ending involves crying and suffering, imprisoned by your own selfishness and sins.

But for Dazai Osamu, this is enough of a ‘happy ending’.

Ironic, that the Devil fears one of his own demons.

===

A/N: ngl I kinda want to either write this in Dazai’s perspective or just a second part in general. When I first wrote this on Wattpad I was really proud – only for it to flop with 234 reads and a messily 15 votes. I’m grateful for those who voted, but damn, that one punched me in the gut.

Hopefully this won’t flop on tumblr.

Thank you for reading!

#yandere dazai osamu #yandere dazai #yandere dazai x reader #yandere bsd x reader #yandere bsd #demon dazai #tw: yandere #tw: toxic relationship #tw: toxic behavior #tw: toxic parents #tw: cheating #tw: infidelity #tw: obsessive behavior #tw: possessive behavior #tw: depression #tw: religious trauma #dazai x reader

143 notes · View notes

stardustbarbarians · 3 years ago

Text

I Hear the River Say Your Name

Chapter 1 (ch. 2 | ch. 3 | ch. 4 | ch. 5 | ch. 6 | ch. 7)

A Josh Kiszka / fem!reader fic

Summary: Even before you were dating, you and Josh had been friends for years. You didn't see anything changing between you anytime soon. Then one day, you wake up and Greta Van Fleet doesn't exist and Josh isn't your boyfriend.

Tags: fluff, angst, a brief moment where you and Josh fight in middle school, getting together

A/N: That Sammy fic is coming, don't worry! This one just put a chokehold on me and it was all I could write. This will be a multi-chapter fic, but I don't see it being particularly long, maybe about 5ish chapters. Without any further ado, enjoy!

Words: 3.8 k

+++

You and Josh had been together for years now and you didn’t see that changing anytime soon. Ever since you two were kids, everyone around you joked that you two would get married and grow old together.

You remember the time when you and Josh were playing house one day when you were really young. Jake was there too, pretending to be a dog while Josh played the husband and you played the wife. The three of you were completely lost within the world you had built in your minds, reality acting as nothing more than the set design for your scenario. All three of you had failed to notice that it was starting to get dark and that you needed to get back to the house before sunset, prompting Mrs. Kiszka to come and find you when you didn’t respond to her calling your names.

“Kids, do you realize what time it is?” she questioned, that maternal concern laced into her words.

“Sorry mom, we were just playing,” Josh rushed to explain, breaking character for the first time in hours.

“Oh, yeah? What were you playing that was so interesting?” She had placed her hands onto her hips, harkening back to the way your own mother would do that when she was scolding you.

“BARK!” Jake exclaimed, still down on all fours on the grass.

“House,” you translated for Mrs. Kiszka.

“Oh, I see. Is Jake your dog, then?”

“He’s our dog!” Josh clarified rather petulantly, his arms coming to cross over his chest with an annoyed huff.

Mrs. Kiszka smiled at that, her anger at you guys for not following the rules dissipated. “‘Our dog’? You picked Josh to be your husband again?”

You shook your head no. That wasn’t what happened.

“Jake wanted to be my husband this time but Josh wouldn’t let him and then Jake started to be my husband anyway, but Josh got mad and started to yell that he always played my husband and then he pushed Jake and then Jake pushed him back and then they started to fight and I had to yell at them to stop and then ran to go and tell on them for fighting and then they stopped fighting and Jake let Josh be my husband,” you explained in the rambling way that six year olds do.

Because you had just barely aged out of being a toddler, you failed to notice the amused yet knowing look on the twin’s mother’s face. Looking back at this memory, you came to realize that Mrs. Kiszka could see right through her oldest son like he was bathing in windex.

“I see. I guess he just wants to practice for the future,” she not so subtly implied.

“I don’t wanna marry her!” Josh sputtered, his face turning a bright red.

Mrs. Kiszka just smiled down at her son, you and Jake watching Josh as he began to glare grumpily at his mother.

“Whatever you say, dear,” Mrs. Kiszka placated, gently pushing Josh towards the house.

This teasing lasted well into your teenage years and it only got more aggressive the older you two got. Everyone would joke about you two getting together, calling you Josh’s girlfriend and vice versa, constantly hinting about how you two should kiss… It was like a broken record that played 24/7.

It was especially bad in middle school, to the point that it strained your friendship. Josh would stop talking to you as much and, on really bad days, not at all. There was even a period of time in seventh grade where Josh ignored you entirely. It only lasted two months, but it was one of the worst two months of your life. You had felt so isolated and alone, crying almost every night that your best friend wouldn’t so much as give you a glance when you called his name.

Jake was still friendly with you, but it was clear that he was in a really awkward position. While it was unspoken, it was clear he didn’t want to pick sides in the strange war that his brother had initiated.

“You can’t ask him why?”

“You already know I have, Sunny, and he wouldn’t tell me.” He was trying to be compassionate, but he was tired of having this conversation for the hundredth time.

Jake’s use of your nickname made a stab of longing go through your heart. You knew he didn’t mean to hurt you deliberately, it was just that Josh was the one who gave it to you. He just called you that one day years ago and it stuck ever since. You never really thought to ask where the name came from.

“I just don’t get it, Jake. It was like one day he woke up and decided he hated me,” you whimpered, tears threatening to fall from eyes and your throat feeling raw.

“I don’t know, either. It’s really fucking awful how he’s treating you, and for no good reason,” Jake angrily agreed, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned against the tree you two were sitting under. Josh had elected to stay in the house away from you two when Jake invited you over after school. He didn’t say a word to you or even look in your direction, he just made a b-line for his room and slammed the door behind him.

“You shouldn’t swear, your mom might hear,” you try to joke, your words coming out watery and choked.

“She agrees with me.”

“Your mom knows about this?” You didn’t understand why you felt so ashamed by that.

“Even Sammy knows something’s up. He’s been asking why you haven’t been around as much lately and Josh just ignores him. He ignores everyone when they ask what his problem is, he just won’t tell us. Mom even grounded him when he kept on ignoring her,” Jake informed, picking at the grass next to him.

“He got grounded?”

“Oh yeah, he couldn’t leave the house for the weekend. He’s actually grounded from using the record player for a week for screaming at Sam for asking when he was gonna talk to you again.”

For the first time in weeks, you felt something other than crippling rejection and sadness as what Jake told you sunk it. “He screamed at Sammy?!”

Jake’s head snapped in your direction at your sudden outburst, shock making his eyes widen. “I’m almost afraid to tell you that Sam cried but I also want to see how you’d react.”

You were seeing red, the anger surging through you like a tsunami. You had never felt such rage in your life. It was one thing to just ignore you, but to make Sammy cry because he asked about you? Josh had crossed a line.

“You know what?? Fuck this!” You shot up from your spot on the grass and stomped towards the house, Jake following behind you.

You didn’t even bother being polite as you burst through the back door and trudged up the stairs, knowing that Josh would be in his room without having to ask. You all but kicked the door down as you entered, Josh jumping out of his skin.

“Josha Michael Kiszka, you have some explaining to do!” You would be lying if you said you didn’t get some gratification at the fear in his eyes that had manifested.

However, that gratification was quickly stamped out when he furrowed his brow and turned back to the book he was reading. It took everything in your power to not just take that book and throw it out the window.

“You just woke up one day and chose to completely ignore me, you refuse to answer your family when they try to get an answer out of you, and you screamed at Sammy and made him cry?? What the hell is wrong with you??”

Stubbornly, Josh pointedly kept his eyes on the pages in front of him. You’d bet real money that he wasn’t actually reading and was just using any excuse to continue his stupid game of pretending you don’t exist. There was a tense silence in the air as he continued to not acknowledge you.

“Look, you can continue to ignore me for the rest of your life, but I at least deserve an explanation. Just please tell me what I did to make you so mad at me, I can’t take it,” you plead, your hand gripping the door jamb like your life depended on it.

Very briefly, Josh flicked his eyes onto you before jumping back to his book. The crease that had formed between his eyebrows had vanished, his features turning soft from what you could see of them. He still refused to answer you, however.

You felt your eyes begin to burn as you desperately tried to choke back tears. Crying was for babies and you needed to be strong. Behind you, you felt Jake get restless at the silence, his own anger building.

Reaching his limit, Jake marched towards his twin and ripped the book out of Josh’s hands, chucking it across the room and throwing it into the wall of the hallway from the open door.

“Jake! I was-”

“Look at her, Josh! You’re making her miserable!” He pointed at you from the side of the bed his brother was on.

Finally, Josh looked at you; actually looked at you. Simultaneously you felt like you wanted to cry out in relief while also wanting to punch Josh in the dick for putting you through this.

“We’re all tired of you acting like an enormous asshole towards her for no goddamn reason! Just tell us why!” Jake ordered, very clearly fed up with his brother.

“Please, Josh. I just want to know what I did,” you begged when he remained silent.

“You didn’t-” Josh stopped himself from talking to you once he realized what he was doing.

That’s what finally made you crack, the tears dripping from your eyes on their own accord. Josh cursed under his breath when he noticed.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Sunny. I can’t believe you’d think that.”

“Are you kidding?? What else was I supposed to think??”

“I was sick of people always teasing us and saying that we should date! I thought that if I just didn’t talk to you, it would go away!” he finally explained, his frustration lacing his shouting.

For a moment, it was completely silent. There was no way that was the actual reason, you didn’t want to believe it.

“Are you serious?”

The silence that followed was all the answer you needed.

“You hate the idea of being with me that much?” While it probably wasn’t the most logical leap to make, it was the only thing that made sense to you.

“Sunny, that’s- No, that’s not true at all! It’s been awful not talking to you!”

“So why do you keep doing it?!” You were so confused and irritated that you felt a new set of tears form, these ones almost painfully hot.

“I DON’T KNOW!” he snapped, his own eyes now glittering with tears. Josh’s chest was heaving, his breathing gone heavy.

“Then please stop! I miss you, goddamn it!” you yelled right back, reminiscent of a soap opera. Then again, almost all middle schoolers tended to be overly dramatic.

He wouldn’t budge. Josh stayed right in his spot on the bed and stared at you stubbornly, tears still accumulating in his eyes.

“Please…”

He couldn’t seem to stand it anymore. Josh rose from his spot and proceeded to pull you into the tightest hug he’d given you up to that point. The relief crashed into you like a freight train, a choked sob escaping you as you buried your head into his neck. You finally had your best friend back.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, the shakiness of it indicative of him crying.

You both stayed there hugging each other for a while, just basking in each other’s deeply pined attention. You probably would’ve stayed there forever, if you could’ve. However, Josh’s family had other ideas.

“Finally,” you heard Mr. Kiszka announce from behind you, causing embarrassment to immediately engulf your body.

Like it burned the both of you, you and Josh jumped away from each other. If you had looked over at him, you would’ve noticed a blush on his face that matched your deep red one.

“Does this mean you guys are friends again?” Sammy asked, standing next to his father in the doorway. There was a hopeful look in his eyes as he looked back and forth between his brother and you.

Nervously, you throw a glance at Josh. You were still expecting to be ignored despite everything that happened.

“Yes, Sam. We’re friends again.” Josh was beaming at you as he spoke.

Josh had kept his word and never ignored you again. That was pretty much the only significant rocky patch the two of you had in your relationship. It wasn’t like you two didn’t argue, but it was a safe bet to call that the worst it had ever gotten.

Despite everyone’s best efforts, the two of you didn’t officially start dating until your senior year of high school. It had been a very unremarkable event for something that had close to a decade of build up.

You guys were hanging out with all your friends at a bonfire and everyone wanted food. Considering the time, the only option available was McDonald’s. After taking everyone’s orders, you and Josh went together to get it without even any discussion on who was going.

It was during the drive to the restaurant that, out of the blue, Josh just asked: “Hey, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Pleasantly surprised, you couldn’t help the huge grin that nearly split your face.

“Yes, I would like that very much,” you responded brightly.

And just like that, the two of you were dating. Even better was the fact that no one seemed to notice the shift in dynamic between you two. You and Josh had an unspoken agreement to not tell anyone. There wasn’t really any real reason other than wanting to get back at everyone for teasing you for so long.

It took months for anyone to notice. In their defense, your and Josh’s dynamic hadn’t changed much at all. It wasn’t until one day while the boys were practicing in their garage while you were present that anyone found out.

Josh had insisted that they play “Sunshine on My Shoulders” by John Denver, all the while avoiding your eyes. It took a little convincing to get Jake to switch from his electric to an acoustic, but Sam was already trying to practice the bassline and Danny was adjusting the height of his high-hat. Jake finally relented when he saw that he was outnumbered.

Your heart swelled as Josh serenaded you, a soft smile on his features the entire time he performed. You were reminded of the night the both of you had slow danced to this song in his room, the old record popping and crackling from decades of use. It was the song you shared your first kiss to, forever cementing it as the theme song to your relationship.

For him to have the band play it in front of you was his way of telling you that he loved you like he loved his music. Just like with the band, your relationship wasn’t something he particularly wanted at first, but quickly grew to fall in love with.

Despite how cliche it was, you found tears welling in your eyes. Luckily, no one seemed to notice and you were counting your blessings.

When the song was over, Josh just smiled at you with the same amount of admiration that you felt within yourself. You couldn’t stop your legs from running towards him, nor your arms as they wrapped around his neck and pulled him into a kiss.

“I love you too, Joshy,” you whispered after breaking off the kiss, burying your head into his neck. His arms were tightly wrapped around you as well, his breath tickling the skin of your shoulder.

Both of you failed to notice the purely stunned silence that permeated the air while you embraced, completely lost in your own world. You kind of regret that slightly as you would’ve loved to see everyone’s reactions to finally finding out.

“You guys are dating?!” Jake’s exclamation finally brought you both back to the present.

Pulling away from each other, you finally notice everyone’s shocked expressions. You can’t help but laugh; serves them right.

“How long have you been together?” Danny asked from behind his kit, the least amount of surprise on his face out of the three.

“About three months now?” Josh turns to you for confirmation, wherein you nod your head in affirmation.

“You’ve been together since March??” Sammy finally piped up, picking his jaw up off the floor.

“It wasn’t like we were exactly keeping it a secret,” you smugly comment, amused at everyone’s gobsmacked reactions.

“The only thing we didn’t do was kiss in front of everyone,” Josh added, wrapping an arm around your waist and leaning into your space. You could smell his earthy body wash from this close.

You watched all three boys analyze your guy’s interactions over the past three months, their faces progressively looking more and more forlorn as they noticed more and more signs about you and Josh. You could hear Josh trying to suppress his giggling causing you to laugh yourself.

“Why did it go quiet in here? Something wrong?” Mrs. Kiszka asks, poking her head into the garage from the house.

“Mom, Sunny and Josh are dating. Did you know about this?” Jake pointed at the both of you, Josh’s arm still around you as his mother looked over.

“No, but it’s about damn time,” she decreed, a proud and loving smile on her face.

It wasn’t long after that the band started to gain popularity. You were so happy the day you first heard Greta Van Fleet on the radio, immediately calling up Josh to tell him to tune to the station so everyone could hear. You attended every concert you could with your limitation of also being in college preventing you from just becoming a full-time groupie.

You have long gotten used to them being on tour and away for extended periods of time, but the first time was bad. It was hard not being able to see your best friends and boyfriend all the time, especially since making new friends was hard for you. You had managed to find solace in being able to call them every night for hours on end.

On that fateful day, the boys were out on tour. They were scheduled to have a break soon and you were counting the days.

Waking up you felt sore as you stretched your arms above your head, the kind of soreness you get after pushing yourself too hard at the gym. Funny, you didn’t work out yesterday so you had no idea why you were so sore.

Figuring you had just slept funny, you just shrug it off and get ready for the day. As usual, you text Josh a good morning and carry on with your morning routine without another thought. The fact that Josh’s contact name was different should’ve tipped you off.

While you were making your coffee was when he got back to you. You didn’t even look at it at first, busy with mixing in the right amount of creamer into your drink.

Good morning

Not to sound rude or anything, but why are you texting me good morning?

You felt your brow knit after reading the text.

Can’t I wish my boyfriend good morning?

Even though he was miles away, you could feel Josh’s confusion.

Boyfriend? I didn’t know we were dating

Your heart drops as you hear someone come through your front door. You weren’t expecting anyone and usually your parents would let you know they were coming beforehand. Standing frozen in your kitchen, you panic as you try to decide what the fuck you should do.

Just as you were about to dial 911, the person in question appeared in the kitchen from the hallway.

“Danny?”

“Good morning,” he greets, placing the grocery bags he was carrying onto the counter.

“What are you doing here?”

Danny freezed, his eyes flicking onto you as he seemed to assess you.

“Uh, I live here?” he answers, his brow knitting in concern.

You lived alone. Danny wasn’t your roommate. But, you also had other things to worry about at that moment.

“I thought you guys were on tour,” you elaborate, your coffee growing cold in your hand.

“Tour? I don’t have another tournament for another two weeks,” he tries his best to explain, clearly just about as confused as you were.

“What do you mean tournament?” Your head felt like it was in one of those carnival rides that would spin so fast that it would pin you to the wall.

“The Masters? I know you don’t know a lot about golf, but you gotta at least know The Masters Tournament in Augusta,” Danny answered, the concern on his face growing.

“You play for the PGA.” It wasn’t a question.

For a moment, Danny just stared at you like he couldn’t tell whether or not you were being genuine.

“I’ve been in the PGA for as long as we’ve lived together…” he slowly explained, the look in his eye telling you he was incredibly worried about you.

“No, this isn’t right. You aren’t in the PGA and Josh is still my boyfriend,” you firmly state, your knees feeling like they’re about to buckle beneath you.

Stepping away from the counter, Danny made his way towards you and gently urged you to sit down at the kitchen table. He pressed a hand to your forehead to feel a fever, his face scrunching up in worry.

“Are you feeling alright? You’re talking kind of crazy,” the other Danny questioned.

You didn’t answer him. Instead, you unlocked your phone and opened up Instagram. You would open it and see all of the pictures of you and Josh that you had posted there as proof that you weren’t the crazy one.

They weren’t there.

A tear slipped from your eye as you were faced with a plethora of images that were foreign to you. It was as if someone had expertly photoshopped you into a barrage of pictures where you were out with people you didn’t recognize and places you weren’t familiar with.

You didn’t resist as Danny wrapped an arm around your shoulder, trying to soothe you with his embrace. You leaned into him, needing something familiar to you at that moment.

“It’s alright, you’re ok,” he muttered calmingly despite how confused he was.

It wasn’t though. Nothing was ok and there was a part of you that feared it would always be that way.

You had never been so terrified in your life.

“Danny, help me.”

He wasn’t able to. You knew this wasn’t some horrible nightmare that you were going to wake up from.

This was real.

+++

Taglist Form

#josh kiszka x reader #greta van fleet #greta van fic #josh kiszka #josh kiszka x y/n #danny wagner #jake kiszka #sam kiszka #fluff #angst

151 notes · View notes

mrsalwayswrite · 4 years ago

Text

Hvítr gown, nýr life (Ubbe x Reader)

This is my contribution to @geekandbooknerd 2k followers challenge! Congrats again, my dear!

My prompt was: "People aren't born good or bad. Maybe they're born with tendencies either way, but it's the way you live your life that matters." - Cassandra Clare, City of Glass.

Couple notes for this fic- Bjorn & Torvi are still together because reasons. Italics mean speakers are using Old Norse.

The title means ‘White Gown, New Life’ in Old Norse.

Also, this is my first time writing Ubbe so.... hopefully its not OOC?

Words: 4800

Warnings: one or two swear words. implied sex. I think that’s it???

Tag List: @youbloodymadgenius

"You cannot truly be considering this!" Bjorn thundered in the small, enclosed room.

Ubbe observed his elder brother- a man he had aspired to be like his whole childhood, a man he still looked up too, regardless of his faults. "Of course I am."

Bjorn slammed his hand on the wooden table, making it shake, as his voice shook like thunder in the room. "You are throwing your future away!"

"I am protecting our future!" Ubbe snapped, finally rising to his feet, irritation leaking into his tone. He met Bjorn's incensed blue eyes with his own resolute gaze. "We need allies, alliances, everything to make father's dream come true. If this is the price I must pay to fulfill Ragnar's dream, then I will gladly do it. It is not about me. It's for our people."

After a long, tense moment, Lagertha pushed off the wall she and Torvi were leaning against. Gliding closer, she moved to stand in front of Ubbe, tears swimming in her eyes. Gently, she cupped his cheeks. "Your father would be so proud of you, Ubbe. I pray the gods bless you with happiness in this."

"Thank you, Lagertha." Relief swelled in Ubbe's chest. If he had Lagertha's support, he knew Bjorn would come around.

Since they fled Kattegat and came to England, he had watched the shieldmaiden age before his eyes. He could not help but wonder if her soul yearned for Valhalla and to be reunited with Ragnar. Not that he could blame her. To hear her speak of Ragnar and his approval of Ubbe's actions, it only further solidified his choice.

Torvi spoke up, surprising him. "I think Ubbe should do it." When Bjorn opened his mouth to interject, she snapped her gaze over to her husband. "This is his decision, Ubbe. He has asked for our advice but it is up to him. We need security and this, though we don't trust them, this can provide that security."

Bjorn huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Fine! Do what you want!"

"Thank you." Ubbe softly said, looking at all the family he had left in this world. "I'll go inform King Alfred now."

With a firm stride, he left the quarters they had been given in Wessex. After some time trying to locate the young king, a passing servant was able to tell him Alfred's location. Thankfully the king was in his private study, reviewing petitions from the worker's guild. The guards at the door allowed Ubbe entrance only after the king called out to allow him entrance. With a look of unrestrained animosity, almost begging him to give them a reason to throw him out, the guards opened the door for him to pass. Ubbe nodded his thanks, but never removed his hand from the sword at his side until the door closed behind him.

Straightening in his chair, Alfred looked up from the papers spread out over his desk. "Good afternoon, Ubbe. I suspect you have sought me out because you have an answer for my proposition."

"I do, your highness." Ubbe paused, knowing how his life was going to irrevocably change once he answered. "And I will accept. I will take a Saxon wife to further the alliance between us."

"I am greatly pleased by your decision." The dark-haired man pushed away from his desk. He moved to a nearby table to pour them both a cup of wine, something these Saxons seemed to favor, as he continued speaking. "Alliances must be built on trust and understanding. A political marriage certainly helps solidify that trust."

Ubbe received the cup, missing the taste of ale from his homeland. After taking a small sip, he stared at Alfred. "So what do we do now? Do I meet some potentials or is there a matchmaker?"

"No, I already have someone picked out for you. My cousin." Alfred answered without hesitation before pausing in contemplation. "What your father and my grandfather would think of this arrangement….our families tied by blood."

"Yeah…. What is her name?"

"My cousin? Lady Y/N. Fear not, she comes from a well-respected family and with a substantial dowry. She has spent most of her life at a nunnery, so there is no fear of her virtue being tainted."

"Great." Ubbe sighed out. Though he knew Alfred meant all that to be reassuring….it felt anything but.

*****

It was not until almost a month later, Ubbe met his intended bride; with the wedding set for three days after her arrival. Apparently King Alfred and some of the Saxon noblemen were keen on the arranged marriage happening as soon as possible.

Ubbe stood off to the side in the throne room. With his hair freshly braided and pulled back and wearing one of his nicer tunics, he hoped he appeared princely. Even if by Saxon standards, he knew he fell woefully short. Lagertha had given him a nod of approval as they waited in the throne room. Though outwardly he kept his face passive and calm, his insides twisted into knots and his hands were clammy.

"Are you still certain about this, brother?" Bjorn clapped Ubbe on the shoulder as he whispered, eyeing the Saxons standing around.

The flaxen-haired Viking glanced over at King Alfred, who sat on his throne, talking in hushed tones to one of his advisors while his mother looked on with a sour expression.

Ubbe answered solemnly. "Aye, we need this alliance."

With a grunt, Bjorn removed his hand but stayed at his brother's side. Something Ubbe appreciated. Although Bjorn had no issue airing his thoughts on this foolish alliance and how Ubbe was making a mistake in regards to choosing a wife again, he kept his complaints behind closed doors. In front of the Saxons, they presented an united front.

The large doors to the throne room opened with a groan. All eyes turned to witness as a sole figure cautiously yet gracefully walked forward, head held high and hands clasped in front of her.

"Cousin!" King Alfred exclaimed, rising from his throne, arms spread wide. Immediately, he descended the few stairs with a fond smile on his face. "Your presence has been missed here at court."

The woman dipped into an elegant curtsey, her dress gliding around her like water. "You are far too kind, my king."

As King Alfred embraced his cousin in a warm hug, Ubbe could only stare in shock. Standing there in a deep red gown, the woman looked like a goddess. Ubbe had prepared himself mentally for his intended bride to be marginally pretty like most of these Saxon women, but someone he easily overlooked. Not her though. Without even saying a word to him, he felt beguiled by her. It was more than just her physical beauty, it was in the way she carried herself, with grace and a nobility. It reminded him distantly of his mother. A woman who knew her place and dignity. This woman, his intended bride, was truly stunning. He could not help but wonder if the true reason for her prolonged residence at a nunnery was not because of piety but to preserve and protect her. Something he was suddenly immensely grateful for.

"This is your betrothed." Alfred walked her over to where the Vikings stood, at the bottom of the steps leading to his throne. With a pleased smile on his face, he introduced the two. "Ubbe, son of Ragnar Lothbrok, this is my cousin, Lady Y/N."

She curtsied to him, her movements so graceful like they were part of a dance. When she spoke, he was further enchanted, for even her voice was beautiful. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Lord Ubbe."

"It's just Ubbe. Since we are to be married, we can skip the formalities."

A coy smile played on her lips. "As you wish….Ubbe."

"Excellent." King Alfred beamed. "Perhaps a walk in the gardens to better acquaint yourselves would be desirable?"

Before Ubbe could whole-heartedly agree, wishing to learn more about his intended bride, a sickly-sweet voice interrupted.

"Y/N has only just arrived. We have wedding plans to finalize and she must try on her dress." Princess Judith interrupted, wrapping an arm through her niece's while pointedly ignoring the Vikings. "Maybe another time, but I am sure y/n will be quite busy with preparations. Come, my dear."

With that, she swept her niece out of the throne room as if the Vikings had the plague and she refused to breathe the same air as them. But before y/n disappeared, she peeked over her shoulder and met Ubbe's gaze with a tender smile teasing her lips, then disappeared from view.

"There is much to finalize and my mother wants to ensure the wedding will go smoothly. You and y/n will have time after the wedding to become acquainted." Alfred said, studying the direction his mother and cousin vanished. With a sigh, he pulled his gaze back to Ubbe. "Now that introductions are made, I have matters with the clergy to attend to."

Ubbe barely paid attention when Alfred walked away, returning to his throne and listening to some priests whine about something petty.

A bump of a shoulder against his own drew Ubbe's attention back from thinking about y/n.

Bjorn leaned over to whisper conspiracingly in his ear. "Well, at least you won't have a problem bedding her."

*****

The wedding ceremony was outlandish and dragged on for entirely too long. Between the many prayers of the priests and the rigid formality of everything, Ubbe was ready to draw his sword and spill some Christian blood, just to break up the monotony. Even Lagertha appeared ready to fall asleep from where she stood.

The only aspect that kept his attention was his bride. Watching her walk down the aisle, he almost swallowed his tongue, leaving him gaping at her in a slack-jawed awe as she slowly approached. In her flowing wedding dress, a crown of flowers in her hair and eyes alight, she appeared ethereal. Standing in his nicest tunic and pants, he knew he paled in comparison to her, but he did not mind.

When the priests tried to forcefully convince Ubbe to dress in Saxon clothing for the wedding, he not-so-subtly threatened to decapitate them if they mentioned it once more. He was a Viking and would dress as such. Besides this was to be a physical representation of an alliance between Saxon and Viking, it would make no sense for him to dress as a Saxon.

Thankfully Alfred agreed with his thoughts, so the clergy kept any further comments to themselves.

Once the wedding concluded with Ubbe and y/n proclaimed man and wife, the couple was escorted to the celebration. The following feast was beyond lavish, with drink and food in overflowing abundance. To his dismay, Ubbe found himself unable to converse with his new bride. Either Alfred was introducing him to someone new, some nobleman pestered him with questions or worst of all, Judith purposefully continued to make excuses that pulled y/n away. When their eyes met, he could see the apology in them, which lightened the stone in his heart.

As the feast progressed, Ubbe found as more time passed, the more his gaze drifted to his bride. The gods had truly blessed him with this marriage. Watching her, he was captivated. Although, he found his hand frequently shifting to reach for the hilt of his sword no longer strapped to his side. All the appreciative or lustful looks she received from other men did not go unnoticed, and if one of them tried to lay a hand on his new wife, he would not be held accountable for his actions. His fists could be just as deadly as any weapon.

Finally, the time was called for the bedding ceremony.

Alfred and some of the clergy explained to Ubbe what happened during a bedding ceremony when he was learning about the wedding's customs and the vows he would have to recite. To say the Ragnarsson was shocked was an understatement. It sounded barbaric…. and him and his people were called the heathens. But he understood the need to maintain protocol for building the alliance and the trust of the Saxons.

So that was how he found himself walking down a corridor with Bjorn at his side, while the feast and celebrations continued on without him.

"Are you sure about this?"

Ubbe rolled his eyes at his elder brother, his stride never faltering. "You did not have to agree to it."

Bjorn scoffed, keeping pace. "And miss out on all the fun?"

The two brothers laughed, the sound loosening some of the tension in the bridegroom's body. When Alfred told Ubbe he needed a witness to represent his people at the bedding ceremony, Bjorn was the only option. When Ubbe initially told his brother about the tradition and asked for Bjorn's presence, the hulking Viking had doubled-over in laughter, followed by making several crude comments about the need to instruct Ubbe on how to properly bed a woman. The discussion ended in a brotherly tussel but Bjorn agreed.

Especially when Ubbe explained his plan.

The bedroom was in the wing of the royal families' rooms. Since y/n was related by blood, she was given a room there whenever she came to visit and naturally, this meant it was where the marriage would be consummated. Several candles were lit but the bedroom was kept dim to give an illusion of privacy. A quick glance at the bed made Ubbe raise an eyebrow at the generous size and the curtains draped around it. A fire burned in the fireplace providing warmth in the bedroom, a sharp contrast to the stern, cold faces of the clergy who waited.

The bishop who married them stood off to the side with two other clergy, all in their robes and barely suppressed looks of disgust on the priests' faces. Two female attendees fussed over y/n, clearly everyone waiting for Ubbe and Bjorn. Once again, Ubbe had to force himself to keep his eyes from staying glued to his new wife. She stood there in a thick robe, with her hair falling about her shoulders loosely, free from the bridal veil. Her gaze jumped from Ubbe to the clergy and back as she nibbled on her bottom lip, clearly nervous about what was to occur next. Cheekily, he sent her a quick wink, hoping that would help settle her nerves. If the blush that grew on her cheeks said anything, at least she was not repulsed by him.

The bishop stepped forward. "Are you prepared to consummate your marriage to Lady Y/N before God and man?"

"I am." Ubbe defiantly met the man's eyes.

"Then by the power given to me by the Holy Church, let the two become one in the sight of God and these witnesses and the marriage shall be complete." With that, the man drew their strange cross sign in the air and stepped back to rejoin his fellow clergy.

The two attendees helped y/n out of her heavy robe, revealing a thin, white nightgown that seemed to only enhance her beauty and innocence. Desire thrummed in his blood at the sight of her, but Ubbe ignored the sensation for the moment. The heavy robe was laid on a nearby chair and the two women left the room with a quick curtsy, leaving only the men and y/n.

After a shared look with Bjorn, Ubbe walked over to his new bride, keeping his movements slow so as to not startle her. Her hands were clasped before her, but even as he approached, he could see the faint tremble in them. Her gaze never strayed from the floor. The confidence seen previously in her seemed to have melted away into anxiety, making him think of a skittish colt. He could not help but wonder what changed, if it was due to him or what was supposed to occur between them.

Standing before her, he gently reached out to take her soft hands in his own larger, calloused ones, pleased when she did not flinch at his touch. Although her gaze remained downward.

"Are you alright?" He whispered, aware of the four pairs of eyes watching their every move.

"Of….of course, my lord husband."

"Remember, I told you to call me by my name."

That caused her head to snap up and meet his gaze. Now he could see the tears welling up in her eyes and her swollen bottom lip from constantly worrying it.

"It'll be alright." He tugged her bottom lip from between her teeth. The way her breath hitched at the intimate touch made his heart pound. He gave her hands in his, a quick squeeze. "Trust me, yeah?"

After a moment, she gave a faint nod, still eyeing him warily but appearing less like she wanted to flee, mutely squeezing his hands back.

A voice broke the stillness in the room, immediately causing her to tense again.

"The two of you must proceed to the bed to finalize the union. We do not have all night to wait for confirmation of her virginity and consummation." One of the priests drawled with an apparent undertone of disdain.

"Then it is a good thing you don't have to wait any longer." Ubbe retorted, narrowing his eyes at the priest. The man huffed but a quiet rebuke from the bishop had the priest pressing his lips together. With one final, assessing scan, the flaxen-haired Viking shifted, pulling his new bride into his side and wrapping an arm around her waist. He felt her tense against him but ignored it to stare at the three clergy with a mocking smirk. "Bjorn."

At the sound of his name, his brother moved from leaning against the doorframe. A scowl on his face, and with the shadows cast over him, made him appear more looming and menacing. "Everybody out."

The three clergy looked back and forth between the two Viking brothers, clearly confused and intimidated.

"You can't….we must witness…."

"I SAID EVERYBODY OUT!" Bjorn roared, pulling the axe from his side and waving it in the air. "OR DO I NEED TO SPLIT YOUR SKULL TO HELP MY WORDS REACH YOUR TINY BRAINS?!"

The three scrambled, eyes wide in terror, tripping over their long robes in a pathetic attempt to reach the door faster. The bishop turned around, hands grasping the golden cross hanging from his neck. "King….King Alfred will hear of this." He stuttered out in feigned confidence.

A deafening war cry from Bjorn practically shook the room in answer. That was enough to silence the bishop and have him flee, following his companions.

At Bjorn's roar, y/n began shaking like a leaf, her hands tightly holding onto Ubbe's arm wrapped around her. He further pulled her against him, providing shelter from his brother's fury. Even as the room fell back into silence, he could still feel her trembling in his arms. He prayed to the gods that this did not darken her view of him and cause her to fear him.

Once the room cleared and the pounding footfalls of the clergy could no longer be heard, Bjorn turned around with a grin, scratching the back of his neck with his axe. "You know Alfred will be upset when he finds out."

Ubbe smirked. "We can't let him have everything he wants, yeah?"

That made Bjorn chuckle. "I'll go guard the door." He pointed his axe at Ubbe, still grinning. "You owe me for this."

"Scaring priests shitless isn't enough for you?"

Bjorn scoffed. "I can do that whenever I like."

"We'll name our firstborn after you."

Bjorn waved him off, opening the wooden door and stepping out. When the door closed, the echoing sound seemed to fill the empty space in the room.

Ubbe peeked down at the woman in his arms. "Are you alright?"

"Your brother….is….frightening."

"Aye, don't tell him that though. It would only inflate his ego more."

Once he was certain she was steady on her feet and would not faint, he pressed a chaste kiss to the side of her head before striding away to the other side of the bedroom. Quickly he pulled off his tunic and boots, tossing them onto a nearby chair and then flopped onto the massive bed in only his pants. If nothing else could be said for tonight, he knew he would sleep well. The bed was comfortable, even rivaling his own bed back in Kattegat. With a pleased groan, he tucked an arm under his head and settled under the covers. A wave of exhaustion crashed over him, his eyelids sliding closed. Even though he felt like he spent most of the day standing around and kneeling for the wedding, it was still tedious and draining. Thank the gods it was over.

"Um, my lord…."

"Ubbe." He interrupted, lips twitching in amusement. "Or husband. Whichever you prefer."

"Ah, Ubbe….are we not….?" Her hesitant voice trailed off, but the unspoken question lingered in the air.

He snorted. "I have no plans to force myself upon you just to appease your priests and bishop."

"But we must consummate the marriage."

"I will only have sex with you if you desire me as your husband and not just to fulfill an obligation."

The following, prolonged silence caused him to open his eyes and look over at his new wife. It was apparent she had not moved from where he left her. He expected to see fear on her lovely face or revulsion at the idea of her ever willingly wanting him to touch her. Instead, she seemed to be studying him with a mixture of curiosity and respect. That confident woman he had previously met, making a reappearance.

After holding her gaze for a moment, he patted the bed next to him. "Come lay down. I doubt standing there all night will be pleasant."

With a soft smile, she stepped over and crawled under the covers, but maintained an arm’s length distance between them. They both laid on their backs, together yet alone. The only sounds were of the crackling fire and their breathing.

Before he realized it, Ubbe found himself speaking, filling the silence with his babbling but strangely felt he needed to share these thoughts with the woman beside him, the woman whose life was now tied to him, whether she wanted it to be or not.

"I doubt this is the marriage you were dreaming of as a little girl. Probably expected some prince or lord….not a Viking. Your people only see us as heathens, as barbaric devils, at least that's what one of the noblemen said. That we cannot stop the evil and destruction we cause because we are possessed." He snorted, rubbing a hand down his face. After a deep breath, he turned his head to look at her, amazed to find her already watching him. His tone softened as he continued. "I'm sorry you were forced into this marriage. I know it might not mean much to you but I vow I won't ever physically harm you or force myself upon you. After all the wedding ceremonies, you can return to the nunnery if that is what you want."

Her eyes widened momentarily, then drifted away as she worried her lip once again. As he waited for her to speak, his gaze traveled over her face, taking in the small details that until now he had not been able to observe. It would be a blatant lie to say he did not desire to lie with her, to touch and taste her. The current state of his manhood was evidence enough of how simply gazing at her beauty affected him. He made a vow to her. If nothing else, he hoped they could be friendly to one another.

To his shock, she rolled onto her side, facing him completely, hands tucked under her cheek. Without hesitation, he mirrored her action, but kept his head cradled on his arm.

"I have not traveled much," she quietly said, almost shyly, "but there is one thing I've learned through my studies and the observation of others. People aren't born good or bad. Maybe they're born with tendencies either way, but it's the way you live your life that matters." She paused as if choosing her next words carefully. "I do not think you are a barbaric devil or….or possessed. I think…."

"What?"

"I think you are very brave and strong. Not many would seek an alliance with those that fervently claim them as an enemy….nor be kind to a simple noblewoman."

He smirked, finding himself charmed by her honesty. Carefully, he reached over and brushed a thumb over her cheek. "You are no simple noblewoman, my lady."

"If you are just Ubbe, then I request you call me, y/n."

An unexpected, loud banging on the door startled them both. Y/n gasped and rushed to sit up against the headboard, eyes wide with fright. Ubbe immediately pushed himself up, making sure to put himself between his wife and the door, unsheathing a dagger he had subtly slipped under his pillow.

"Are you two done yet? Some ugly priest out here wants to know!" Bjorn shouted through the door.

Ubbe groaned, putting the dagger away, before calling back. "No! This woman is insatiable! Tell the priest to come back in the morning! Hopefully I can still walk!"

A harsh bark of laughter preceded loud arguing, which could be heard through the door. Raised voices crept underneath the door frame, the loudest being that of Bjorn. Ubbe stayed perched on the bed, to assist his brother if the need called for it. No matter what Alfred or those whiny clergy ordered, no one would be witnessing any consummation of his. Ever. Eventually, the voices dwindled like a dying flame until only silence could be heard from outside. Ubbe figured Bjorn must have won the argument, or used enough threats of bodily harm, since no one entered the bedroom.

The dagger returned to its sheath under his pillow. A habit he had since childhood. A glance to his side showed his wife still shifted as far away from the door as possible, hands clutching the sheets in a tight grip. He reached a hand out to her. "It's alright. Bjorn won't let anyone in."

She took his hand, still eyeing the door warily. "What did you say to him?"

"Ah, nothing important. Just to keep the priests away."

"Ok."

"We should go to sleep. Today has been long." He stated after he coaxed her back under the covers and no longer sent glances towards the door. Only after she was settled did he relax. Laying on his back, an arm behind his head, his eyes closed almost instantly. He could hear her shuffling occasionally but he paid it no mind. Sleep slinked into his mind, hovering on the edges.

"Ubbe…." A barely-heard whisper pulled him from the brink of sleep.

"Yes?"

"What if….what if I want to."

"Mmmm?"

"Um, fulfill our marital duties."

Well, that got his attention. He turned his head to the side, noting how her gaze traced over his bare chest slowly then lifted to meet his gaze. "Are you asking me to have sex with you?"

"Yes." She bit her bottom lip, even as her eyes never strayed from him.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

"Hmmm….well, I may be convinced but….you have to kiss me first."

Cautiously yet deliberately, she scooted closer until they lay side by side. In a graceful movement, she leaned over and pressed her lips to his in an innocent, chaste kiss. Her lips were softer than even the pillow beneath him and by the gods, she was going to be his undoing. After a moment, she leaned back, gazing down at him with a nervous yet endearing smile. Before he could say anything, to encourage or instruct, her lips descended on his once again, but this time hungrily. His initial surprise transitioned to a carnal satisfaction when a soft moan slipped out of her after he tugged on her bottom lip. Their mouths connected with a needy kiss, sending a jolt of electricity through him. All thoughts of sleep forgotten.

Suddenly, he flipped them over, pinning her underneath him, taking charge of their love-making. She giggled at the abrupt action but that was quickly silenced by his mouth crashing against hers and thrusting his tongue into her mouth.

As she kissed him back passionately, he wondered if maybe this marriage was not such a bad idea. If the way her lips eagerly sought his, her hands gripped onto biceps as if to keep her steady, her back arched as he trailed open-mouth kisses down her neck….maybe the marriage could be more than just political.

Soon enough, all thoughts vanished from his mind that were not related in regards to exploring the exquisite body of his Saxon wife and listening to her moan his name repeatedly.

#vikings #vikings fandom #vikings fanfic #vikings fanfiction #ubbe #ubbe ragnarsson #ubbe x reader #ubbe x you #ubbe lothbrok #ubbe ragnarsson x reader #vikings bjorn #torvi vikings #lagertha #alfred the great #king alfred #hayleys2k #mzwrites

414 notes · View notes

suchalonelysunflower · 4 years ago

Text

All My Midnights With You (c.h)

Pairing: Calum Hood X doctor! Reader

Summary: How many midnights can you spend with a stranger? Or Four times you see Calum at a New Year’s Party and one time he didn’t.

Warnings: Fluff with a little bit of angst. Implied sexual relations. Mentions of surgery, hospital rooms and vomit. Mentions of alcohol. Language. Some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word count: 6.9 k

Author’s Note: So, i had to make a NYE fic with Cal after all the angst i threw the past few weeks, and I’ve been working on it for weeks now and I’m finally satisfied with it! Please remember that Reblogs, comments and feedback are more than welcome and encouraged! I really love to hear from you guys ❤️ Hope you like it and Happy reading 🦋💕🌻

Also Ps: I made the reader a doctor cause I was watching way more episodes than I should of Greys anatomy and I figured it made sense in the plot

My materialist // wanna be part of my tag list?

Picture taken from Pinterest

One.

The party was loud. It’s not like you mind at all, you knew parties should be like that, it’s just that you’re not used to them anymore. But now, your residency was over and you could enjoy a little break from the neon white lights. You knew no one there besides your best friend, who quickly disappeared from your side to grab yourselves something to drink, leaving you alone amid people with funky hats and numbered glasses.

You didn’t mind, you knew their job as a radio host required them to be more social and if your hospital life taught you something is to know how to navigate through different environments with confidence, you were fine with watching people run around for fun for a change, drinks in their hands and hope in their eyes for the New Year.

You were standing at a corner of the room with your eyes wandering around the room, trying to find your friend amongst the sea of people. That was the first time you saw him.

Tall, with a black button-up shirt with rolled-up sleeves that displayed tattooed arms with various designs you couldn't figure out at a distance, head filled with black curls that were positioned in the most perfect way to make it seem like he didn’t put an effort on it at all, which you knew it must be a lie. His profile was immaculate, you thought since at a distance he looked like he could be sculpted from marble, especially when he smiled and his cheeks took over most of his face. His style wasn’t bad either, although you wouldn't go with a completely black outfit, you must admit that it suited him. At this point, you know you’ve been staring for quite some time, definitely more than it was allowed before it became creepy, but you couldn’t help it. He was beautiful in every single way.

Your friend came back a few minutes later, a drink in each hand to share with you. You thanked them as you quickly pulled your eyes from the stranger, starting a new conversation almost right away, hoping that the blush on your cheeks could disappear.

What you missed, though, was that handsome stranger looking back at you for a moment.

He didn’t notice your previous stare, but you can say that he was curious about the new face that just showed up at his friend’s party. Although he didn't linger on too much as he was quickly swayed away by his friends in different conversations, his eyes met yours from time to time and he could almost swear he saw you blush every time they did.

The party went by without a hitch. It was closer to midnight when the host, a tall man with curly dirty blond hair and the deepest dimples you’ve ever seen, stood in the middle of the room to announce the countdown.

People started to gather around the living room, making their way into the front and looking for someone to share the first kiss of the year, pushing you away from your friend while doing so. In a matter of seconds, you got lost in the sea of people again, you tried to push your way up to your friend again but it was almost useless. With a little huff, you turned around and knocked someone’s drink over.

“Oh my god,” You said, hiding your face in complete embarrassment “I am so sorry! I didn’t look where I was going, I-”

The man chuckled “It’s okay, sweetheart. It was a shit drink anyway”

You looked up and the sight in front of your eyes almost knocked you over. It was the same guy you were crushing on the whole night.

It was almost pathetic the way you seemed to lose all kinds of speech as you looked into his eyes. If you thought he was beautiful before, then you are sure he is breathtaking standing up close.

His brown eyes had such intensity it was impossible to look away, it was almost as he had locked you down with just a stare, and that’s without mentioning his smile. You couldn’t have noticed before, but his smile made his whole face shine, blinding you as you tried to find any kind of compliment that would fit him perfectly. How could someone have the perfect smile?

He chuckled again and you noticed that you were staring waaaay too long for it to be normal. You looked away and started fidgeting with your hands, how come you can perform surgeries and talk to other doctors and patients normally but you are at a loss of words when it comes to a cute guy?!

You were about to say something, anything to make the awkwardness of it all fade away. But the voices coming from the living room interrupted your train of thoughts again. You both looked at the crowd of people gathered a few meters away, they were all staring at the countdown on the TV as they cheered for the New Year to come.

“10, 9, 8,” They sang “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

And as the cheer of “Happy New Year” came, you felt two calloused hands cup your cheek and pull your face in another direction.

It was almost instantly when you felt the soft lips of that stranger on yours. The initial shock made you pull back a little before kissing him back. It was soft, sweet, and innocent, yet neither of you wanted to pull away first.

You brought your hands to the back of his neck and pulled him closer to you and his hands flew to hold your waist, still in awe of how perfectly your lips melted against his, almost like they were made for each other from the start.

But everything has an end and you both need to breathe. And, when you looked into his eyes again you knew he felt it too. There was something you couldn’t deny, call it chemistry or spark or fate, but that kiss felt like nothing you’ve ever felt before.

“Woah…” He whispered after pulling away, hands still on your waist as he tried to find an explanation for what just happened “I-”

“Calum!” Someone yelled, making both your heads snap towards an even taller guy with curly hair, seriously, where do you get these people?!

The stranger - whose name was Calum, apparently - let go of your waist as his drunk friend came over “Luke!” He said with a smile, but his eyes told another story. Was he annoyed at his friend for interrupting what was happening?

But Luke didn’t notice that, he just came over and rounded his arms around Calum’s shoulders, wishing him a happy new year and slowly walking him towards the crowd of people who were waiting for him.

You stood there shocked, not knowing what to do or what just happened. But you did notice the way he looked at you, an apology plastered into his face as he was dragged into the sea of people where you lost him once again for the rest of the night.

Two.

Another year, another party.

This time though, your friend didn’t need you to drag you out of the house like they always did because you happily agreed to attend. You told yourself it was because you needed a break from the emergency room, but if you were completely honest, it was because of the hope of seeing him again.

You haven’t seen or heard about Calum since that night at the beginning of the year. Of course, you knew you wouldn’t, you never exchanged numbers nor introduced yourselves properly and your friend told you that they didn’t know him well enough to try to hook you up and that might seem unprofessional on their part, which was right. You told yourself that it was fine and probably for the best since you started getting busier with your job, so you moved on.

Yet, that kiss still lingers on the back of your head. Yes, you went on dates and kissed other people too, but that kiss was something else and you knew he knew it too.

Subconsciously you hoped for him to remember you, to think about that kiss as often as you did. You knew it was a long shot, an almost impossible dream that could only come true in movies or cliche storybooks. After all, you were one of many people he knew and he didn’t even talk to you for more than 3 minutes! One of which you spent in awkward silence and the other you spent kissing.

And even then, your heart dared to hope.

You arrived somewhat early since your friend told you they might be a little bit late so you could ahead and meet them there. And, luckily for you, you didn’t have to go that far into the party to find a familiar face. It just so happens that this familiar face was the same face that overtook your dreams for the past year.

He looked different this time, his hair was much shorter but still held onto the curls that distinguished him from the others. He was not wearing black this time as he chose a simple outfit of jeans and a button-up white shirt with the first few buttons open enough to expose his chest and a feather tattoo that you haven’t noticed before. He was laughing along to what his friend said, sipping on his beer every few moments. You didn’t think he noticed you, but your heart skipped a beat when he looked your way and smiled.

You thought about going in and say hi, maybe even introducing yourself in the hopes that he would remember you, but you needed some liquid courage before even attempting to speak again. So instead of walking towards him, you found yourself making a B-line to the kitchen.

The kitchen wasn’t as crowded as you thought it would be, a few people here and there but they were minding their own business, something you were thankful for because you didn’t know what had come over you. You cursed under your breath, you just made a fool out of yourself! He might think you are a stalker or-

“Didn’t think of saying hello?” A voice called next to you.

You stopped the thoughts running in your head as you looked to the side, almost spilling your drink when you found the eyes you were dreaming of for over a year staring back at you.

He was smiling, a hint of tease shined on his eyes as he laid against the counter. He was still just as handsome but, weirdly enough, it wasn’t as intimidating as before. You could almost say you felt somewhat safe around him, comfortable even.

You smiled at him just the same, your sudden fear of talking to him quickly faded away. You already shared a kiss, how bad of a conversation could it be?

“Why would I say hello when we didn’t even say goodbye?” You teased, making him laugh.

If you thought his smile was beautiful, nothing prepared you for his laugh.

“Touché,” He said, extending his hand towards you “I’m Calum, by the way. Calum Hood”

You shook his hand as well “Nice to meet you, Calum. I’m Y/N”

“Pretty name for a little pretty thing like you” You laughed “I can’t believe it took us a year to finally meet. Are you an Angel or something? So you only show up when needed?”

“Are you always this charming or am I just lucky?” And that was the start of the evening.

You talked the whole night. You found out that he is the bassist of a rather famous band, he teased you about never hearing of them before and you told him that your job didn’t give you enough time to listen to music that wasn't in an elevator. When you told him that you were a doctor, he completely changed the conversation towards you, asking you questions and really getting into it as you explained to him the weirdest things you saw in the ER.

The more and more you talked you knew he was special. He made you laugh and was interested in what you had to say. He answered all your questions and talked about his family and how much he misses them around this time and it surprised you how intelligent and connected he was with his emotions. The deeper you went into the conversation, the more hooked you got.

“I’m sorry I left last year,” He said after a while. You were both standing outside in the garden as the commotion of the party became too much for both of you. So you just talked while staring at the big dark sky above you.

“Don’t be” You reassured him “We didn’t know each other and I’m surprised you remembered me at all” You laughed, but Calum didn’t follow.

“I don’t think I could forget you,” He said in a serious tone, making you turn to look at him to see if he was joking. By his face, you could tell he wasn't “I asked Ashton about you like a bunch of times, but I don’t think he even knew you were here… he’s a great host, don’t get me wrong, he just sucks on making the guest lists small enough to remember all the plus ones” He chuckled.

“You asked about me?”

“I had to know who my midnight kisser was,” He shrugged. “Almost thought I was drunk dreaming or something until I saw you enter the house tonight. I was so glad you remembered me and you didn’t think I was just a creep in the kitchen”

You both laughed this time “Well, lucky for you, I couldn't forget you either, even if I tried”

Calum chuckled as he stepped closer to you, his nose almost touching yours. One step closer and you would be in the same position you were a year before, only this time you were both sure you wanted this.

“And what about tonight?” Calum asked as one of his hands rounded your waist, making your breath hitch “Would you forget about tonight?”

You looked into his eyes, but he had his gaze fixed on your lips, waiting for just one word from you to feel them pressed against his again. You felt your soul leave your body as you realized how much you wanted this.

“I-I guess we’ll have to wait until midnight to find that out” You whispered, and, just as you said that, a thousand lights illuminated the night sky in the far distance.

You pulled away when you heard the first firework, staring in awe while Calum took his phone out of his pocket and started giggling. He showed you the time and it was in fact midnight of the New Year. You couldn’t believe your eyes.

“You timed that shit, didn’t you?” You laughed, but your voice soon drowned out as he cupped your cheek like he did last year and pulled you closer to him.

“If I told you I didn't, would you still want to kiss me?” He asked. You answered him by crashing your lips into his.

The fireworks went off in the sky and around your head, that’s the effect Calum had on you. The kiss was much different from last year’s, this one was more passionate, more mature as you both knew what you were doing. It had a different meaning now that you started to get to know one another, and you hoped you would continue to do so once the kiss was over and midnight came to pass.

You were glad to know that the spark was still there, this time even brighter than ever as he deepened the kiss a few moments later. You knew it was way too soon to think about love, but when you thought about kissing Calum, you hoped it could go on forever and ever.

This time, he pulled away first “You feel it too, right?” He asked in a breath as he held you closer.

You wanted to say yes, to scream it even. You knew about “the kiss” every single romantic movie talks about, the one everyone dreams to have at least once, and you knew this was it. Yet, all you could do was nod.

He brought your face close to him again, ready to seal your lips together one more time… you could guess what happened next.

“For fuck’s sake” Calum murmured as he heard the backdoor opening and his name being called out by one of his bandmates, Michael, you guessed since he was the only one you didn’t know already.

You could tell he was about to cuss Michael for his interruption, but you were quicker.

“Hey, it’s okay” You reassured him “You have people to see and I need to make myself a drink anyways”

Calum smiled at you, thanking you for understanding but still wishing he could stay with you a little longer, all night if it was necessary. He was about to say something when Michael called his name again. This time, Calum flipped him off.

“I’ll find you later, okay?” He said, pressing a small kiss to your lips before disappearing into the house again.

You followed him after a while and went directly into the kitchen to make yourself another drink. The smile you wore grew bigger every time you thought about the kiss and how it was almost ten times better than the first one.

Your mind started wandering towards a future where you could kiss Calum every time you wanted, where you could share evenings and go on dates and travel the world… You found yourself not minding that at all.

But before your fantasies could go any further, your friend came running towards you “There you are!” They said, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! We need to go”

“W-what, why?!”

“The host is gone and they are kicking everyone out” They said with a shrug “His band also took off”

Calum left? Without saying goodbye again? “Where did they go?”

“From what I heard, their management asked them to go and perform some songs in a party downtown, apparently one of the bands who were going to perform originally couldn’t make it and they were called in replacement”

Okay, you couldn't get mad at that, it was his job after all and it was an emergency he couldn’t help. Still, the disappointment of not being able to see each other again tonight stung like a bee.

As you were waiting for the Uber outside of Ashton’s house, your friend asked “Hey, found your mystery kisser?” They liked to refer to Calum like that, even though they knew who he was.

You smiled “Yeah…”

“Got his number this time, right?”

Oh shit.

Three.

You were late. You were soooo late and you hated that.

Well, it’s not exactly your fault, the patient in room 304 started vomiting all around and it wasn’t his fault either that he needed to go into surgery right after (successfully if I may add) At least your job gives you good excuses.

You just hoped it wasn’t too late and that Calum would still be there.

Another year has passed and you haven’t seen each other at all since that last night in January. You knew that he was touring all year round with his band, at least you knew he was happy doing what he loved. You also tried to contact him through social media, the only problem was that you weren’t the only one and your message probably got lost between the thousands and thousands he got every day. So you spent yet another year thinking of him and dreaming about the kiss that you two shared.

This night, if everything goes right, you would change that. You wouldn’t disappear without at least giving him your number, if he still wanted it, of course. And you wouldn’t disappear without telling him how you feel.

Decidedly, you open the doors to Ashton’s house, and, just as fate’s decided, the first face you see is him.

Calum spotted you immediately, almost like he was waiting for you, and his face softened the instant he realized you were finally there. He wasted no time in walking towards the door and grabbing your hand to pull you upstairs. You didn’t even have the chance to say anything as he opened one of the doors and pulled you inside, locking it and pushing you against the door, pressing his lips on yours.

And there it was again: fireworks.

You placed your hands over his chest as you got lost inside your kiss, it felt just as good as you remembered, better even. You wondered if every time you kissed was going to be like that: utterly magical.

“It’s not midnight yet” You laughed when you pulled away to breathe. Calum chuckled.

“I don’t care,” He said with a raspy, needy voice, pressing kisses along your forehead, your nose, your cheek, your lips “I can’t wait until midnight and deal with the fear of having to leave again”

“Well, aren’t you quite the Cinderella?” You teased, making you both laugh “Are-are we really in a closet right now?” You said, taking in your surroundings in the dimmed light.

“I-.. yes” You burst out laughing again “I wanted some privacy and I thought this was the guest room!”

You silenced him with another kiss, this time sweeter than the previous one “Well, I think is cute”

Calum sighed “I’m tired of both of us not making it after midnight, I don’t think I want another year without seeing you again,” He said, stroking your face with the back of his hand.

“So, what’s the plan?”

He smiled “First, we get out of here” You grabbed his hand and nodded.

You let Calum lead the way, not just to get out of the closet, but also to get out of the house and the party completely. He took you to his car and told you to hop in.

“You are not going to murder me, aren’t you? I have house plants to take care of” He laughed.

“No, that’s the plan for Valentine’s Day” Calum teased and your heart fluttered at the thought of spending Valentine's day with him. Has he really thought about you that way as well?

He jumped in the car and started driving you around the city and through the coast as you talked about everything and anything at the same time. You catch up on your lives as you ate some MacDonalds’ you picked up on your way and you sang your lungs out to the tunes that came out on the radio to celebrate yet another year gone.

You swore you couldn’t be happier and you smiled knowing Calum felt the same.

“..And that’s why I was late today” You laugh.

“I would’ve waited for you the whole night through. But I will admit I thought you’ve given up on me” Calum said, holding your hand while turning around a street you were unfamiliar with “I wouldn't blame you if you did. But I really wanted to see you tonight”

You tugged on his hand “I told you I wouldn’t forget about you even if I tried” He smiled at that.

A few minutes later he parked his car in front of a house “It’s almost midnight” He said, unbuckling his seatbelt “And I thought that maybe this time we can spend it where no one would interrupt” You could tell that he was a bit embarrassed, but the thought of it was really sweet and you would be lying if you said you didn’t want this too.

“So this is your home,” You said as a matter of factly. Calum nodded “Then lead the way, Cal”

Once inside, he poured you a glass of wine and you sat in the living room and kept talking till midnight came around. When the clock struck 12, you were already lost in Calum’s eyes. There was something hypnotic about them that you can’t quite figure out, but also don’t want to. It was a beautiful mystery and you rather that it stayed that way.

“You won’t disappear after midnight?” You asked, face inches away from him.

“I don’t plan on going anywhere, baby,” He said as he closed the gap between the two of you.

This time there was no rush, no firework spectacle in the sky nor noisy friends who could ruin the moment you both had been waiting for an entire year. The kiss held the same passion as the ones that came before, yet you could sense in the way he moved that there was something more in this kiss, a need that only the two of you could satisfy.

“Why does every time I kiss you feel like the first time?” He asked, hands circling your waist and pulling you over his lap in a quick movement as his mouth traveled along your jaw and down your neck “Do you still remember that first time?”

You smiled, hands tangling in his curls as he left a trail of open kisses from your ear to your collarbone “I remember” You said as a breathy moan leaves your lips “I had a huge crush on you since the first time that I saw you” You confess.

Calum hums “Good thing then,” He hovered his lips over yours, gripping your hips as you started moving against him “Cause I had a crush on you since I saw you looking at me across the room”

You brought your hand to cup his cheek and kissed him as your life depended on it. This was nothing like that first kiss you shared, this was needy, dirty, sloppy… The innocence of it all crumbled away as you started to grind on him even harder than before and moaning into his ear.

Calum held your hips as he felt you press against his growing, groaning as you picked up the pace “Is this okay?” He asked, looking into your eyes for reassurance “We can stop if you want, I-”

“Calum,” You said, stopping your movements altogether, “I want this. I want you”

Next thing you know, he was kissing you again, lifting you, and carrying you to his room.

You don’t know what time it is when your phone starts ringing. You just know it’s either very late or super early. You untangled yourself from Calum who had his arm around your waist as he pulled you closer while you slept. The curly-haired man mumbled something unintelligible before turning around and going back to bed. You smiled at the sight, if you weren’t in love before then you sure are now.

The phone kept ringing, so you put on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt you assumed belonged to Calum and went downstairs where you left your phone.

“Hello?” You said as you picked it up.

“Dr. L/N? It’s Lou, from the hospital. I was assigned to Mr. Minkus-” A panicked voice said.

You froze when you remembered the patient from earlier, the one who needed an emergency surgery “Is everything okay?”

“He went into cardiac arrest a few minutes ago but we managed to control it. But he is still very weak and needs surgery right now before he-”

“I’m on my way”

You ran into Calum’s room without making much noise. You changed into your clothes and called an Uber. You hated to do it when he was still sound asleep in his bed, but people needed you and you needed to go, he will surely understand.

As the Uber parked outside, you almost forgot to leave him a note, so you scrabbled your number and your name in a random piece of paper, telling him to call you so you could explain everything when he woke up and placed it in the pocket of the jacket he wore the night before, since it was the only thing close to the door at that moment, hoping he won’t be mad when he calls.

So you slipped in your shoes and left. Leaving the man you were surely falling in love with, sleeping safe and soundly on his bed.

Four.

You were at another party at Ashton’s house and this time you were alone.

Calum was standing a few meters away from you with his hands around another’s waist.

“This is the reason,” You thought as you watched him give his significant other a kiss on the cheek “This is the reason he never called or texted after you had sex”

You felt used. Worse than trash itself as you realized he used you for a night’s only fun.

You shouldn’t even feel bad, you barely knew him after all. But why does it hurt so bad?

A year ago you thought you might love him and that he might love you… guess not.

Calum caught your eye after a while, they seem sad. Why? He is the one holding another person in his arms on New Year’s Eve.

And you are on your own. That’s what you get for believing in fairy tales.

He is still staring when you turn around to leave.

You are not waiting until midnight this year.

Five.

Calum is staring at the door like a guard dog. He doesn’t know why he is waiting for you to come around this year, after all, you were the one who left him on New Year’s day almost two years ago. He shouldn’t be waiting for you and yet, he does.

He was mad at first. Furious even, when he woke up the next day and you were gone. Not even a single word for him to find comfort with. He knew he was in love with you from the first moment he saw you and then… you left. He knew he deserved it after the times he had to leave unexpectedly, but he was still heartbroken.

The boys tried to help him, setting him up on dates that meant nothing to him. Nothing like you, at least. Their kisses didn’t light up a flame inside of him, nor made him feel like the king of the world just by laying beside them. No, that was something only you could do.

He tried to start a new relationship by the New Year, yet that came crashing down quickly after a few weeks into January. He still remembered the way you looked that night, the way your eyes filled with tears as you walked away again. He knows he should've felt something in the lines of pride or comfort or even happiness to show you that he could move on without you, but all that he felt was the tugging on his heartstrings when he saw you in pain.

So, maybe that is why he is waiting for you now. He needs to see you again, just one more time and then he’ll know what to do. He will either let go or hold on to you, whatever you give him he will take. But it’s getting late and you are nowhere to be seen.

The fear of you not showing up takes him by surprise. You might as well be at home, or at somebody else’s party wrapped in someone else’s arms for all he knows. He might’ve lost you but.. who lost who first? How could anyone be winning when all he feels is an emptiness at the possibility of not seeing you again? Even though you left him and not the other way around, he is still looking for you.

A loud thud and a scream came near the living room and shook him from his thoughts. Calum got up to his feet as people started yelling for an ambulance. He ran as fast as he could and found Ashton laying on the floor with his foot twisted to the side… it did not look good.

“Mate, what the fuck?” He asked shocked, he knew nothing about ankles and their anatomies, but it was obvious they weren’t supposed to look like that.

“I fell down the stairs and I think I broke something” Ashton hissed in pain “Have you been drinking?” He asked Calum who shook his head, already knowing the next question.

“Come, I’ll take you to the hospital”

They left Luke in charge of the party as they headed towards the nearest hospital they could find. Calum silently lamented not being there anymore in case you showed up, but he wasn’t going to let his best friend stay in a hospital room alone, especially on New Year's Eve.

Once they reached the emergency room, the nurses put Ashton in a wheelchair and took him for examination. A few minutes later he was back and now they moved him to a little bed in the corner of the room as they waited for the doctor to come by.

“I’m sorry I took you away from meeting Y/N again,” Said Ashton after a while.

Calum shook his head “Don’t be. Maybe we weren’t meant to happen after all”

But Calum knew that wasn’t true. He was a big believer in fate and that everything happened for a reason. He knew that seeing you every New Year’s Eve and sharing that kiss with you at midnight had to mean something, it couldn’t just be coincidences without a motive, a reason for that to keep happening. Yet, this would be the second year he has to spend midnight without you by his side. Maybe fate was trying to tell him something he just didn’t want to accept just yet.

And just as that thought came running through his head, the doctor opened the curtain that gave a little privacy to Ashton’s little corner. Calum almost loses his breath for a minute.

“Okay, Mr. Irwin it looks like- oh shit” You looked up from your tablet with the medical records and almost dropped it when you found Calum sitting in front of you. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

You just stare at each other for a few seconds, everything else faded away. Calum thought you looked different with your white coat and your standard uniform, yet none of that made you less breathtaking than you already were, it made you even more beautiful to his eyes.

At first, you thought it was some kind of prank. You changed shifts to work in New Year so that you won’t see his face and here he is. At your job. Next to his friend with a broken ankle.

You cleared your throat and looked away, suddenly finding Ashton’s foot a lot more interesting than it really was.

“Sorry. Looks like you broke your ankle, nothing too serious but you will have to put on a cast so it heals quicker” You didn’t look at Calum, you couldn’t “The ortho specialist will be here shortly. I’m just here to making sure the meds are working fine and that nothing else hurts”

Ashton smiled at you, it was supposed to be comforting but you saw a glimpse of teasing in them, oh this must be so funny to him “Thanks Doc”

You smiled at him and shook your head, eyes drifting towards Calum for just one second before saying “It’s not a problem, Happy New Year” and walking away.

The thoughts were running through your mind like the roadrunner. You did everything you could to avoid meeting him tonight and he still makes an appearance. Unbelievable.

You didn’t even make it five steps before Calum ran up to you “Y/N! Wait”

“I’m at work, Calum” You hissed, not turning around to face him just yet

“Yet we are your only patients” It was true, surprisingly enough, the ER has never been so quiet before. Even the nurses went to hide behind a desk to wait for midnight and drink alcohol-free cider.

You sighed tiredly, you didn’t want to play this game anymore. You slowly turned around and placed your tablet on the empty desk “What do you want from me, Cal? What do you want me to say?”

“Maybe start by saying why you left that morning without telling me?” His eyes were fixed on you, yet they weren’t angry or disappointed. They were expectant, curious about what you were going to say. He knew that this was it, the hold on or let go conversation, and how he hoped to hold on.

You, on the other hand, looked at him like he was crazy “Without saying anything? Calum I left you a note! I had an emergency surgery to attend, I explained it all there and I even left you my number! You were the one who never called and then showed up with a date the next year. How do you think that made me feel, you idiot?!”

“What note? There was no note!” He asked, clearly confused about this new information.

You groaned with exasperation, how can he be so dense? “In your coat, Calum! I left it in the pocket of the blue coat you wore that night, I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it as I was heading out”

Calum stayed silent, trying to remember the exact coat you were talking about. And, in a flash, it all came back to him. He was an idiot.

He covered his face with the palm of his hand, mortified for what he was about to say “I washed the coat the next day as it got stains of food in it” He said with a groan “I found a piece of paper in the coat after I washed it, it was destroyed and I thought it was the receipt of the food from the night before”

You stared at Calum for a moment before bursting out laughing.

Calum, on the other hand, didn’t find it as amusing as you. But the more he thought about it the more ridiculous it sounded, so he soon joined you in a fit of giggles.

All of the hurt you both endured, the pain and the heartbreak… it was all for a misunderstanding caused by detergent?

“Oh my god,” You said as you tried to catch your breath, “I thought you were done with me after we-”

“I thought you were done with me!” He replied, both of you coming down from your highs.

“Calum, I could never. I told you I would never, not even if I tried” You said with a sigh “But seeing you with another after that... “

“It meant nothing,” He assured, walking up closer to you “I admit I tried to get over you cause I didn’t know what else to do. I was falling in love with you and then you disappeared without a trace. I was so angry. But as soon as I saw you that night I knew I could never be over you, even if what we have only last until midnight”

You chuckled “We can never win past that point, can we?”

“We can try,” He said, his arm around your waist and he pulled you closer “I want to try, Y/N. I assure you I cannot make it another year without at least going on a date with you. If you let me, of course. Cause I think we’ll be pretty good together, don’t you think?”

“I think we will. As long as you check your pockets before throwing something at the washer. Cause I was falling for you too, and I don’t think I ever stopped” You threw your arms around his neck, pulling your face closer to his. You missed him like this.

You missed all of him, really. You don’t know exactly what it is that draws you to him, why after all this time of meeting once a year you feel like you knew him since forever. It was new but at the same time so familiar. You know it should scare you, but you feel safer than ever wrapped around his arms “Is it midnight yet?”

Calum shook his head and pointed to the clock upon the wall. Ten seconds.

“Nine, eight, seven…”

“Six, five, Four, three, two..”

“One.” You both said in unison as your lips met again. The kiss that you awaited all year long was finally here and it was full of promise. The promise of a future together, of security and love.

You were sure it could not be a coincidence that every year you spend it by his side, that from the moment you met, no other thought has filled your head. Every piece of you seemed to be molded perfectly to fit him and vice versa. The connection was too strong to ignore and, if you believed in soulmates, then there was no doubt Calum was yours. After all, you went through to meet every year, you knew it must be fate that brought you two together, that and a broken ankle.

Speaking of that…

“HAPPY NEW YEAR” Came Ashton’s loud voice from the corner of the room. Making you both break away from the kiss to laugh.

“He just had to keep up with the tradition of interrupting us,” Calum laughed.

“Please tell me you didn’t push him down the stairs to come and see me” You giggled as you took his hand in yours and walked up to Ashton to keep him company.

“I would’ve thrown myself from the stairs if it meant I would get to see you, darling”

That night you finally gave him your number and planned a date for the next day. But not even five minutes after they were gone, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket.

“Hello?”

“I had to make sure!” You laughed as you heard Calum’s voice through the speaker.

“See you tomorrow, Cal?”

“And for all the days and years to come, baby”

Tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @mystic-232

337 notes · View notes

bat-connoisseur · 4 years ago

Text

The Depths

ignore the janky title, I’m bad at thinking them up. Another fic for @hermitcraftheadcanons ‘s Scattered AU! This AU has grabbed me by the horns and it’s no thoughts just this AU rn. Anyway, this fic is focused on Xisuma, and his unfortunate experiences down in the depths of the world. Yet another death loop, but of a different nature to Impulse’s.

Cw// Starvation, descriptions of violence, implied blood, sensory overload adjacent stuff, reduced senses. If you need anything else tagged, let me know!

Xisuma shuddered, his armour rattling just a bit too loud for his liking, as he crept through the twisting caverns he’d found himself in. The path he’d been carving out between starving to death lay just up ahead, all he had to do to get to it was navigate the small section of The Deep Dark it had cut into. It was too dangerous to dig here, so he had to just sneak through to where the path continued at it’s end. His head throbbed where his helmet, still dented and damaged from his first expedition through here, jabbed it’s sharp, misshapen edges into his head. He wanted to take it off with every fibre of his being, but he couldn’t. Not here. They way it muffled his breathing was all too valuable when the slightest sound could spell death. He could put up with the temporary pain if it meant getting to his tunnel, and getting digging again. It would be worth it in the end.

He couldn’t see further then a few feet ahead of him, but his ears were pricked for the slightest sound. There was a spot somewhere high above him that water leaked through, and every drop that splattered messily against the dark, stone floor startled him, setting him on edge. Even so, progress was fairly smooth, if slow through this little slice of darkness, deep below the world, and it gave him some kind of idea of his location. He was very far underground, that was no surprise, and absolutely nowhere near 0,0, where the spawn chunks of this world should be. He knew the same was true of everyone else, too. He’d spent many long hours, huddled in some cramped, dark crevice of a cave, staring despairingly down at his communicator as the deaths stacked up, as he tried to type a message, only for nothing to happen, as he fumbled and struggled to access his admin panel, trying and failing to achieve anything. He’d just sat there, overwhelmed by his newfound helplessness and uselessness until he had starved to death for the first time.

After that, he had resolved that if he couldn’t fix this through commands, he’d have to find another way. And the first step to that was getting out of these caves.

He’d been carving out a path by hand, spoilt for Cobble but with no access to wood in any capacity unable to use it. There were no mineshafts to speak of, only miles and miles of twisting, identical caves as far as he could walk. To save himself the trouble of getting lost, he’d punched out a path, trying to escape the cave system so he could finally start digging up.

That was how he’d ended up in the deep dark.

At first the change of scenery had been nice, even if it was simply trading the dark tunnels for an even darker ravine. He’d amused himself with the skulk sensors, chucking rocks at them and watching them twitch. He wasn’t sure why he had been so blatantly careless. Exhaustion, perhaps? Hunger? Either way, the noise hadn’t gone unnoticed for long. Xisuma remembered the moment the Warden stalked into view, too quiet for it’s size. He remembered the gaping jaws, the exposed heart. He remembered the crackling, sparking shower of pain as it hit him square in the head, as he was knocked back into the rocky walls, how the skulk sensors almost laughed as they picked up the sound of his panicked, pained cry-

Xisuma forced the memories out of his mind, shaking his head and pausing to lean against the wall. Dwelling on these unpleasant memories was going to get him nowhere, and he flipped up the visor of his helmet to rub at his tired eyes, sighing as softly as he could. As he pushed himself up off from the wall, however, he heard a noise. His breath, already soft in his throat, hitched, and he flipped the visor down with a soft click that seemed to fill his senses. Too loud. He became acutely aware of his breathing, suppressing it as much as he could and freezing up as the Warden lumbered into view, it’s antlers twitching. It was like some nightmarish deer, stopping beside him and turning an eyeless face in his direction.

Xisuma found himself shaking as the Warden took a step towards him, face inches from his own. X glanced to the side, able to see the blissfully safe 1-wide entrance to his tunnel from here. It was so enticingly close, yet painfully far. The Warden stayed still, antlers twitching as they picked up sounds too soft for X to hear. He was fairly certain it was listening to the desperate sound of his racing heart.

From a few feet up the cave, a water droplet dripped from the ceiling, the sound of it hitting the floor magnified tenfold by Xisuma’s fear.

The Warden heard it too, and turned, lumbering towards it. Every muscle in X’s body screamed at him to run, but he stayed put, waiting for the Warden to get further away as it advanced on the small puddle formed from the dripping.

Just a few more seconds. He told himself, staving off the urge to scream, ignoring the bile rising in his throat. Wait for it to reach the puddle, then- he cut himself off as the Warden was finally far enough away, and he sprinted for his tunnel. He heard the Warden turn and begin the sprint after him, far too fast for it’s size. It was gaining on him. He felt it’s great fist miss him by a hair, and he threw himself into his tunnel, falling to the floor in a messy heap, and flinching as the Warden smacked into the wall, too large to get in after him. X drew himself up, inching as far from the beast as he could, watching it as it reached into the cave, unwilling to give him up.

X no longer tried to suppress his fear, shaking, breathing hard, borderline sobbing from horror and relief at his newfound safety, tearing the uncomfortable helmet from his already bruising head. He didn’t move from his prone position on the floor until the Warden finally, mercifully, gave up chase, and disappeared off into the darkness of the cavern. Ready for him on his next, inevitable journey through the hostile cave. He finally allowed himself to relax somewhat as he ventured further into his tunnel, still shaking, climbing the staircase he’d began to carve into the rock slowly. He could feel the probing daggers of hunger beginning to needle into his stomach, but a quick check told him he still had a few hours before he starved.

And so X got to work, dutifully clawing away at solid rock with his hands, progress slow and painful, working until his body gave out, collapsing in a pile from bitter, agonising hunger, and he had to go back and do it all over again.

Unbeknownst to Xisuma, however, a lush cave sat just blocks from where he’d last collapsed. It’s inhabitant had noticed the sound of breaking blocks, just feet from where he had been lying since spawning into this broken world. Jevin gathered himself up from where he was, slightly dispersed in the water of a small pool, and began digging, taking out the final few blocks that separated him from Xisuma’s tunnel. The walls were stained and uneven, and he recoiled at the sorry state of it, at the new draught of cold it swept in from the deep dark. He sunk deeper into the warm pool, half tempted to block it back up, but something stopped him. He could still see a few beads of XP sitting in that hole, and he flipped open his communicator to see the latest deaths.

Xisumavoid starved to death

Jevin felt a small bud of happiness starting to bloom somewhere deep in his chest. Xisuma! Together maybe they stood a chance of getting out of this underground prison. Maybe together, they could save not only themselves, but their poor, forsaken friends.

It was with this little, desperate hope that Jevin sat, watching the tunnel with great interest, until he heard pained, heavy breathing coming from within, and a small exclamation of confusion as X saw the faint light filtering in from the lush cave. Jevin sat up, calling out a greeting to the tired admin, but recoiled as he felt something he was unfamiliar with. An urge that disturbed him deeply, alien to him as it coiled it’s tendrils around his mind and intentions. And as Xisuma climbed up and into the lush cave, Jevin found himself lunging at X, the intent to kill twisting his mind and commanding his body.

Xisumavoid was slain by Ijevin

That’s all from this fic, I hope you enjoyed it! I have no idea how much it complies to canon, but I do like the idea of Jevin and X finding each other, both being like ‘heck yeah another person!’ and then Jevin’s slime kicking in and him just fuckin curb-stomping Xisuma before he can stop himself.

#Hermitcraft #Scattered au #cw starvation #cw violence #cw sensory deprivation #Xisuma #Ijevin #not as bleak as the last story but actually way more similar then intended i wonder how that happened #yet another ow im dying wait a friend uh on im dying again situation #ig it just makes for good angst lol

108 notes · View notes

melancholydreadfuldream · 4 years ago

Text

Hell-bound with you

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairing: Doctor x Reader

Summary: You are the unwilling companion of the Doctor.

Warning: ooc, plot holes as usual, dark!doctor, insanity, etc. You have been warned.

A/N: I hope this post show up in search result just fine. The part four of my other fic I posted at the end of last month just won’t show up in any search result, tags not working. I hope this one work okay.

I watched in amusement from my spot as Jack tried to summon the Doctor but failed instead, he kept getting her companion. I couldn't help but laughed at the old man expression when Jack kissed him in the mouth.

I was surprised when the old man, Graham, revealed that the Doctor is now a woman. Jack is giddy with excitement as he wanted to see the Doctor so much. But he kept pulling in the companion instead. Yaz and Ryan.

Eventually Jack realized that the judoon technology is the reason why he can't pull the Doctor to him. Personally, I was grateful that the Doctor is not here. I wouldn't want to catch his - i suppose now - her attention. I admit I am a bit curious about how she looks like. The Doctor's first time as a woman, I wonder how she will act.

My attention snapped back at Jack as he warned the companion about the lone cyberman. It was all very cryptic.

Turned out the companion has never encountered a cyberman before so they understandably are confused.

Both Jack and I had suffered together in the short time since we met and you know what they said about forming a close bond during a life and death situation. It makes us comrade.

Jack knew some stuff about me that I would never tell anyone. I am so grateful that I met him while stranded in this alternate universe.

Of course, it just my bad luck to have landed in a time period where cybermen overrun the world. I was lucky I met Jack. It would take me forever to sort thing out otherwise. I shuddered at the thought of being taken by cybermen for conversion.

I didn't know what to think of the companion because I didn't know of them. I didn't know of the newest incarnation of the Doctor being female either. There were rumor floating around about it but I missed her first season on the account of finding myself suddenly existed within the impossible DW universe.

I hated it. It wasn't fun. And I ended up ruining the Doctor's timeline. I had to run from him when he changed into that monster. Oh, I know he would come looking for me sooner or later. He would never let me go just like that. Misery loves company and all of that. Some part of him did blame me for changing him, I just know it.

But running away and found myself stranded in another DW universe isn’t exactly how I planned my escape. The upside of being here is that I’m finally free of that person.

I heard an amused chuckle within my mind and I frowned. Right, I guess technically I am still haunted by that person. I glared at the bow-tied figure that only I can see, a proof of my insanity. I tried to ignore him and his unwanted commentary on whatever it is Jack and I did.

This particular universe thankfully still follow the canon, I think. I don't know if it will be a blessing or a curse my escape being here, knowing my luck it will ended up as another curse. I do know one thing, this time I have to avoid the Doctor at all cost. It will be hard, I'm sure, as I felt it so many times before back then, someone pulling the string and play on me like a puppet. Of course, no one believe me, not even that person.

I didn't know the future of the Thirteenth Doctor but I will still be a threat to her should she realized what I am. That's what happened with that person. He insisted that I stay with him and everything has gone wrong ever since.

I tried not to think about that person and his now-never-happened future courtesy of me, of my presence, in his life.

"(Name)?"

I snapped out of my trance as Jack called out to me in concern.

"Is it him?"

I blinked when I realized I must have been talking out loud and thus gaining Jack and the companion’s attention. "I'm fine."

Jack gave me a look that said he didn't believe my bullshit.

I ignored him. I noticed the companion are staring at me as if I was insane. I held back a frustrated laugh. Well, I am insane, somewhat.

Jack introduced me to them. “This is (Name). She is with me.”

"Is she a friend of the Doctor too?" Graham asked Jack.

"Well..."

"No." I firmly said as I glared at him in warning. "Oh, just shut up." I glared at an empty space on my left.

The companion stared at me warily.

“err, did she just talk to an empty space?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, she does that.” Jack replied, not taking his eyes off me.

I tried to focus on Jack and the companion. I rubbed my forehead, feeling a headache forming.

Jack's frowned as he observed me. "She's...complicated." He suddenly yelled in pain as the nano-genes started to attack him. He complained very loudly.

I was worried for him. "It’s time. We should leave here, Jack." I said as I grabbed him. “You already did your part, warning them.”

"You are right but there is...” Jack groaned. “...one more thing, (Name), you are not coming with me."

"What?! What the hell are you talking about?" I punched his arms in annoyance.

Jack rubbed his arms and give me a look. "You should go with them and stay with the Doctor."

I was pissed. I thought he understand. "No. You..."

"I know what you think of her but I still think you would be safer with her than with me. Also, maybe she could help you with him." Jack replied, turning to glance at the space I have been staring at before despite not being able to see what I see.

"Like hell, I'm not going! And you can't make me!" I yelled petulantly.

The companion stood there looking confused at our argument.

Jack let out a sad smile. "I'm sorry, (Name)." He took my hand that is on his arm and let it go.

I blinked in confusion and annoyance. I was momentarily distracted and Jack took that opportunity to activate the vortex manipulator on my person and I suddenly blip out of the ship and found myself on Earth instead.

7777

I almost lost my balance as I landed harshly. I cursed loudly.

I saw the Doctor's companion materialized not too far from me.

"Son of a..." I growled. "That damn head jar!!" I cursed Jack. "Shut it!" I snapped on the empty space near me.

The companion stared at me warily.

I groaned in annoyance.

"We should go find the Doctor." Yaz suggested.

"Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'm out of here." I said.

"But I thought that Jack fellow said that you should stay with the Doctor?" Ryan asked.

"Ignore that cheeky bastard's words!" I said and then stopped myself. "Except about the cyberman. That was true. Alright, I'm leaving." I waved at them and left despite their protests.

Screw Jack. He is not the boss of me.

7777

I walked without a purpose as I ponder over what I have to do next now that Jack has abandoned me. Like hell, I’m sticking around to see the Doctor no matter how curious I am of the female Doctor.

“He’s right, you know, you would be safer if you stay with the other Me.” He said.

I glared at him. “And what? Risking of her turning out like you because of me?”

“I think you give yourself too much credit. I was always going to turn out this way sooner or later. Valeyard, remember?”

“But you are not the Valeyard.”

“Yet.”

“And that’s what make it worse. I did this to you. I turned you...”

“Victorious. That’s what I am, thanks to you. It wasn’t that bad.” He said with a shrug.

“You burned down planets!”

“I did that once in a while. You know this." He is referring to Gallifrey. "Besides, you know they deserves it.” He said as a dark expression crossed his features.

“We lost Clara. I wouldn’t call that victorious!!”

“And we avenged her.”

I was ashamed that it was the truth. I did help him to avenge Clara’s death. In fact, I was the one who urged him to do it because I couldn’t accept her death. They haven’t even done Trenzalore yet. And now they never will. Because of me, Bow-tie won’t even get a new set of regeneration. But considering how he turned out, am I doing the world a favor by limiting his life to his eleventh self? Now he will not get the chance to regenerate into Eyebrow. Or did I just make it worse? Like he implied, he is very well on his way into becoming the Valeyard.

“I am curious about the Doctor of this universe.” Victorious pondered. “I have never regenerated into a woman before. I was on my last regeneration right now."

I tensed at that. I kept reminding myself that the person in front of me is not quite real so even if he did figures out the truth, there is nothing he can do about it. No Clara, no new regeneration. Unless he made me fill her shoes, play her role so to speak on Trenzalore. I hope not. Well, I had escaped him, somewhat.

The real Victorious probably was too busy right now to ponder about the calling of Trenzalore. And knowing him now, he might actually let Trenzalore burns.

I think I bought enough time for myself so it might take him a while to locate me especially since I have a bio-damper ring on my person to hide the void stuff that apparently covered me when I first arrived in DW universe. With the ring, he won't be able to track me down easy. It also help hid my presence from the Doctor of this universe too.

I sighed as I stared at my 'companion', the one only I can see, an accidental result after some weird mind meld with the Doctor.

When I first took a glimpse of him the first time I was stranded in this alternate universe, I thought he was somehow in my head, then I beginning to question my sanity, creating a shadow figure of the Doctor in my headspace. Seemed like I could never be free of the Doctor. Part of me believed I deserved it, to be haunted by the Doctor that I ruined.

Sometimes I really thought he is the Doctor when he suddenly said things that sounded like something the Doctor will says. And then he is being all sarcastic with his unwanted commentary on everything I do and...meh I thought of him as a figment of my imagination designed as my personal demon to torture myself. But, weirdly he does know information that I could not possibly know, things that the Doctor or some other screaming genius might know but not little stupid, ordinary Me. There is no way if he is a hallucination created by me for him to know those complicated stuff. Anyway, thanks to that, Jack trusted me, I did save his life, both our life actually, by following the advice of the shadow Doctor.

Jack believe me albeit a bit reluctantly at first and eventually did trust me enough to watch each other back through hell and back. It was all very dramatic but also rewarding as we formed a friendship. Unfortunately, he's loyal to the Doctor hence he disbelieved me when I said I am bad for the Doctor, he still somewhat believe the Doctor is the answer to fix everything that could go wrong, even though he should know better.

I groaned as I ponder on what to do now. I understand the truth in Jack's words that I might need the Doctor of this universe help should Victorious able to track me down to this universe. But I am also right about my presence around the Doctor never bode well. So you see my dilemma?

Thankfully the Doctor and her companion never look for me. I guess she is not curious enough with me.

Back then as I watched the first two episode of season 6, I found it weird that bow-ties who supposedly adores children, didn't bother to look harder for little Melody Pond after she escaped the astronaut suit. Maybe there is some additional information about it from DW book or the audio-book but I never got my hands on them.

Anyway this is good. It would be troublesome if she did decided to track me down.

7777

I thought I covered my track very well but the time bounty hunters somehow able to track me down at some black market in some random planet. It was weird but it seemed the Tardis translation circuit still work on me even if I am not anywhere near the Tardis. Or maybe it is thanks to that annoying 'companion' of mine?

I'm following the advice of the shadow Doctor to find an equipment to, as he said he will indulge me for now, hide me better. I used my vortex manipulator given by River a long time ago at the Library. She taught me how to use it so that I won't accidentally kill myself while using it.

Anyway after I purchase the said equipment and before I could use it per the shadow Doctor's instruction, the hunters found me.

Honestly I hope the self defense lesson I got from River and then Jack would be enough to at least help me escape my pursuers. I thought I did good but they still found me.

That's when the shadow Doctor 'helpfully' told me that I had a tracking chip somewhere inside my body courtesy of the real him. That bastard. Putting a tracking chip without my knowledge or permission like I am some freaking pets.

I glared at him angrily.

He grinned in amusement. "Hey, technically it wasn't me who did it."

"Close enough..." I muttered.

He told me the equipment I purchase earlier should destroy the chip into dust inside me without harming me in the process. Removing the chip would be better but without the correct equipment and a professional medical knowledge, it would be too dangerous.

But before I could use it, they found me again. I was at some random abandoned building. One of them broke my wrist as I fought him. I screamed in pain.

"Hey, don't hurt her! He won't be pleased!"

"She won't stop struggling! She bites me!"

I groaned in pain as they pushed my whole body on the wet floor.

"She is not to be harmed in any way." Someone said. "The client is very specific about that one. He need her for something. He is willing to pay so much for her."

My eyes widened in fear as I realized they are not planning to take me back to Victorious. That would be even worst. Are their client some enemies of the Doctor who is trying to take me as hostage? Or do they after the knowledge I have of the Doctor? But there is no way someone could know. I was sure Victorious remove all threat on me.

I catches the glimpse of dark expression crossing the shadow Doctor's feature as he too listen to what the men had said.

"Who even is she? Why do they willing to pay so much for her?"

"Don't you know? She's the consort of that guy, the Doctor."

I rolled my eyes in disdain at that misinformation but made no move to correct them. There is no point.

"For real? But she is running from him? Why?"

"Have you been living under a rock? That man has gone insane. Who would in their right mind stay with him?"

"I heard the stories about him."

"Not stories."

"So, is it wise to betray him like this?"

"You assumed we got the job from him but we didn't. By the time we hand her over to the client and got our money, with this technology to cross over universe..." He glanced at the elaborate vortex manipulator on their wrists which you assumed they got from the said client. "we can make a new life in some other universe. He won't be able to find us."

The shadow Doctor chuckled coldly. "Whoever that client of their is, I know they are not stupid. To go after what is mine, they would have to take care loose end in order to remain undetected from me." He said as he observed the men. "That vortex manipulator probably has an expired date on it and more..."

He turned to look at me, kneeling before me with almost a bored look. "I did warned you that you would have been safer if you stay with the other me."

I glared at him. "Quit talking, do something." I hissed at him.

He smirked. "You didn't say please."

"Who is she talking with?" One of the men asked.

They hauled me up to face them.

"You are not very smart, are you?" I said with a smirk. "He is already here. The Doctor. Or should I say Victorious?"

They looked around nervously.

I pulled my sonic screwdriver, the one I stole from Victorious, and set out sonic sound, as instructed by him, that momentarily hurt everyone's ears but also caused some old hanging lamp to either explode or fell to the ground, causing chaos.

I ran immediately out of the building. Ignoring the growing pain in my wrist, I yelled at him to tell me how to use the equipment to destroy the chip. I moved the equipment to some spot of my neck and pulled the trigger.

I clamped my mouth as burst of hot fire pain filled me. I gasped as I fell to the ground. Tears filled my eyes. I felt so dizzy.

I distinctly heard him telling me to stay awake and ran. So I did albeit really slow.

Like I said before, someone or something seemed to be pulling the string on me because as I made my weak escape, I found myself face to face with the companion I met with Jack weeks ago and there is a woman with rainbow stripes on her clothing with them. The Doctor, my mind supplied.

Shit.

"It's you." Ryan whispered, seemingly surprised to see me.

"Doctor, she is the one we told you before. she was with Jack." Yaz explained.

The woman glanced at me in guarded curiosity. She walked toward me and opened her mouth to say something but I fainted right into her arms.

7777

I woke up inside the Tardis in the medical bay. How did I know that? He told me.

The Doctor, the female one, entered the room and smiled upon seeing that I already wake up.

I no longer feel any pain, not on my broken wrist and on my neck. I assumed she fixed that. And someone changed my wet dirty clothes with something comfortable.

I heard her yapping about the danger I put myself using the equipment she found with me. I didn't listen, still a bit too dizzy.

"Who are you?"

"(name)." I replied.

"Ok, (name), I'm the Doctor. My fam said you were with Jack and that he instructed you to stay with me?"

"He was wrong." I said bluntly. I forced myself to get up and stand up despite her protest. "I should leave."

"You can't. We are in the vortex. Also you were hurt. Who hurt you? Also who put a tracking chip inside you? You destroyed the chip using that equipment. Are you running from a prison? Did Jack broke you out of prison?"

I groaned and chuckled harshly. "You talk too much." I said as I clutched my pounding headache. "Prison, huh? I guess you could say that. Oh, shut up." I snapped at my right.

"Who are you talking with?" She observed me curiously. "The fam told me that..."

"I am a bit insane? That would be correct. Better stay away from me, doc." I said in derisive.

She glanced at me.

"Stop looking at me like that!"

"Like what?"

"Like I am some animal in a zoo."

"I am so sorry."

"For what?" I asked in confusion.

"For whoever hurt you like that." She whispered. "Yaz changed your clothes. She said you have scars on your arms, consistent with someone being restrained and being injected and also..."

"Stop." I glared at her menacingly. "That was private. None of your business."

She, thankfully, stopped talking about that topic. But she suddenly pulled my sonic screwdriver. "How did you get this?"

I took a deep breathe trying to calm myself over the fact that she and Yaz invaded my privacy. "It's mine."

"Not possible." She said firmly.

"Uh-oh, someone in trouble..." I heard him said in a teasing sing-song voice. I glared at him before turning to face her.

"Someone gave it to me." I lied. "Now give that back and let me leave." I demanded.

She shook her head as she took a step back. "Did you steal this?"

"Ding dong, she got it!" The shadow Doctor answered cheerfully much to my annoyance.

Fine, I'm going to give her some shock value. "River gave it to me, satisfied?"

The Doctor look shocked, her mouth dropped open. "You know River? River Song?"

"That was a low blow, (name)." The shadow Doctor whispered at me in disappointment.

"She was my friend." I spat. That wasn't a lie, technically. River was my friend but in the other universe, not in this one. "I'm sure you wouldn't know me, Doctor. She wouldn't talk about her friends with you. Mostly because you would not be interested."

The Doctor observed me, trying to spot the lie. She seemed satisfied to find none. But she is still suspicious though. "Why would she give you this?"

"For my protection. I will only know how to use it whenever I was in danger." That one is not a lie since the shadow Doctor only tell me how to use it whenever I need to escape danger.

She hummed at that, probably wondering if I ever misuse it. She didn't seem to keen of returning it though. At least she didn't confiscate the vortex manipulator.

"Jack vouched for me. Do you think he would send someone not trustworthy to you?" I said. The answer is yes, by the way, because that traitor Jack ignored my warning how I am not good for the Doctor's timeline. If I am to stay with her, predictably things will not be canon again and it will definitely be hell-bound.

The shadow Doctor chuckled at what I said.

The Doctor didn't say anything.

I raised an eyebrow. "I guess you don't trust Jack or do you only trust him when he is useful to you?" I asked in vicious tone. "Fine, keep the damn sonic screwdriver."

"Oh now you have done it. She is not going to let you leave now." The shadow Doctor helpfully informed. "That is my 'i-don't-trust-this-person-i-need-to-solve-what-she-is-hiding' look." He grinned gleefully.

I almost want to slap the jerk if not for the fact he is not really there so it is kinda pointless.

Resigned to the fact that I am stuck with the new Doctor, I am determined not to let her in my head. A mistake I made with bow-ties which in turn caused him to become Time Lord Victorious.

But I have no idea what the future hold for this version of Doctor and her companion. One thing for sure, the canon is about to go to hell, especially since I have no idea what to do and what to avoid doing.

"I think you should stay with me. I can help you with whoever after you. But I need you to trust me."

What a hypocrite. She doesn't even trust me. Why should I trust her?

"I don't want to intrude. Just dropped me back on earth at 2020." I said.

"Oh, bad year." The shadow Doctor supplied.

"I insist you stay here for a while. After all, isn't that what Jack want me to do? Welcome to the Tardis. It is..."

"I know what it is. River and Jack told me."

"Well then...if they trust you, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt..." She smiled brightly. "Welcome aboard, (name). We are going to have adventure of the lifetimes."

If she think I would rejoice, she is sadly mistaken as I stared at her flatly, not impressed.

He chuckled at my expense.

The Doctor glanced at my unimpressed look, sighed. "Well, you are a tough one."

7777

And so I ended up becoming the Doctor's unwilling companion...again.

She re-introduced me with her fam and officially give me a room in the Tardis.

Yaz is wary of me but Ryan and Graham are nice and friendly.

And just like that I got pulled into their adventure. I tried to refused saying I'm feeling ill most of the time, preferring to stay behind but unfortunately the Doctor doesn't trust to leave me inside the Tardis.

Does she think I could drive the Tardis or something? Seriously...

7777

I was stuck in a nightmare. I was back with Victorious and he punishes me for escaping. He trapped me in a special room designed to punish me mentally. He always did know I am weak mentally. He was surprised that I could survive this long by luck alone.

I saw the laughing figure of a trickster, saying the joke is on me and...

I woke up to the concerned face of the Doctor, the female one.

I remembered now. I fell under the clutch of some wannabe gods from ancient Syria. They fed from people's nightmare.

The woman, Rakaya, glanced at me wickedly, saying I have some delicious nightmare.

The Doctor saves the day and able to trick the wannabe gods into eternal imprisonment.

At the end, as I sat with a blank expression on my face on the stairs at the console room, Yaz and Ryan approached me and asked if I want to talk about my nightmare.

I just said that I dreamed of being back in the room. They didn't push me for more. Yaz, being a police officer, probably suspected based on my scars, that the room was where I was imprisoned before.

7777

Darn it.

Despite my determination not to get attached with the Doctor and the fam, I failed. Damn adventures and dangers and excitements, it does bound us closer with each other. I saved them, they saved me.

"Admit it, you miss this, didn't you? The adventures, dangers, excitements?" The shadow Doctor teased me. "You got used to it already."

"what about you?" I asked him. "Do you miss being the Doctor? Saving people and planets instead of destroying them on a whim?"

He was silent. For once, he left me alone. I think I hurt his feeling despite him being a hallucination.

7777

Once I was almost taken by another bounty hunters, the Doctor rescued me and declared that I am under her protection and anyone who want to take me, will have to go through her first.

The oncoming storm expression on her face is enough to make them back off and I was left in peace.

The Doctor is not pleased that I still won't tell her the reason.

"You have your own secrets and I have mine. Respect that!"

"I can't protect you if you don't tell me the truth." The Doctor had said.

"Fine, let me leave. I can take care of myself!"

Both the Doctor and the shadow one snorted at me much to my anger.

The fam has to interfered with our arguments.

"Cool off, the both of you!" Yaz demanded.

Reluctant to leave for the next adventure but having no choice, I went with them. Another life-threatening incident passed with me rescuing Ryan, softened the Doctor and she apologies to me, sort of.

7777

It finally happened. As Jack warned, the lone cyberman has come.

The Doctor asked me the thing that the cyberman after so I told him about the cyberium. Jack did told me about it in passing. He was part of the alliance, after all. I guess he told me about it because he always planned to dump me at the Doctor. I admitted I hold a grudge against Jack for this still.

The Doctor took me with her but instructed the fam and the rest to stay put. She asked me more about cyberium. I honestly don't know anymore but she kept pressing me, taking her frustration at me.

To be honest, she frighten me at that moment, reminding me of Victorious.

From the way the Doctor reacted when she explained about cyberman to the other, the shadow Doctor concluded that she must have lost someone to the cyberman.

Bill Potts, my mind supplied. I knew she was supposed to be the Doctor's companion after Clara. Since Bill is not here anymore, I can only assume she is the one the Doctor lost.

The Doctor raced against time competing with the cyberman called Ashad to get the cyberium before him.

She eventually figured out the cyberium is possessing one of the residents in the house. She managed to trick the cyberium into leaving its current host.

The cyberium is attracted to the Doctor for a host much to my horror as she started to blurt out something the Time Lord Victorious would say.

I saw the shadow Doctor glanced at the other Doctor in amusement and curiosity. His eyes darkened with the lust for power. At that moment, he look so much like the real Victorious I have to believe he is truly him, not a pale imitation of him.

He turned to look at me as he finally notice the look of dread on my face. "You see? The Doctor has always headed to this..." He said with a chilling smile. "It wasn't you who turned me, dearest (name)."

"Get away..." I whispered in fear. I snapped out of it and yelled at the other Doctor, "Doctor, don't!" at the same time as Yaz.

Thankfully, the Doctor snapped out of it too.

The lone cyberman threaten to destroy the planet right that second if the Doctor refused him the cyberium.

Having no choice, the Doctor give its back to him. I have failed Jack. I know she has no choice but this meant Jack and the alliance would be in danger again.

As we returned to the Tardis, the Doctor made a plan to go after that asshat, I mean, Ashad.

She prepared some machinery in order to fight against the cybermen armies. At least she is confidence she could win this.

I planned to go with her to help and rescue Jack and then I am going to slap the hell out of him.

7777

Of course, things just don't worked as well as the Doctor planned. We are in the far future where the last of the human race located. I couldn't find Jack or the alliance.

We are overpowered by the cybermen and got separated from each other. I ended up with Yaz and Graham while the Doctor is with Ryan.

Somehow we ended up in cybership with the cybermen armies in the middle of waking up.

We are trapped. Everyone is panicking. I heard Yaz tried to talk to the other Doctor via an unreliable communication device.

I turned toward the shadow Doctor. "Do something!"

He turned to me with a chilling smile. "I have taught you before, right?"

I swallowed down my fear. "Please..."

He sighed as if what I am asking him is too troublesome.

I jumped when the steel door started to shake some more under the constant attack from the cybermen.

"You remembered when you were taken from me by the Division?" He suddenly asked.

I remembered it. I was taken, my mind half lobotomized in order to gain access on what I know of the Doctor. I woke up to everyone in the building died. I assumed Victorious did it.

"I could activated the physic bomb I planted inside you."

"What?!" This is the first time I heard this. "What the hell is that? Why do you insist of putting things in me?" I lost it at him. I am furious, wouldn't you be?

"(name)!" Yaz called out to me in concern but I ignored her and the rest who thought I finally lost my marble.

"Oh chill out, it won't kill you, well, only temporally." He said as he played with his nails.

"Bastard!"

"If I activated the psychic bomb, you and everyone in this ship will died, well not you obviously, and the cybermen but they will lost all function for roughly an hour or more. Enough time for you to escape, well, once you are resurrected that is." He said.

"What about them?"

"What about them?" He parroted. He shrugged. "Not my concern."

"The hell with that! Save them too!" I demanded.

"I warned you not to get attached..." He sounded bored now.

"Find another way!"

"Why should I?"

"Please. You are the Doctor."

"I'm not the Doctor anymore, remember?"

"Fine, you are victorious! So prove it!! Save them and be victorious over the cybermen!!" I screamed at him, tears of desperation filled my eyes.

He took a look at me and relents. "Fine."

I let out a shaky relieved breath at his answer.

He instructed me to tell the mechanic of the bunch with me to remove some electrical thingies to support enough for teleportation for all of us to escape.

"It is not enough!" The mechanic said. "Only enough for four and there are seven of us!"

"If only someone has a sonic screwdriver..." The shadow Doctor said mockingly. "Guess you have some decision to make, little (name), which four gets to escape with their life."

I cursed the other Doctor for taking the sonic from me. To my surprise, Yaz pulled a sonic screwdriver from her bag.

"She told me to give it back to you." Yaz explained.

My mouth dropped open in shock. I laughed in near hysterical and turned to the shadow Doctor with a grin. "Tell me."

He sighed in exasperation. "Fine."

I used the sonic as instructed, giving the teleportation enough power to transport all seven. "Go!" I instructed Yaz and Graham and the rest to go first.

"What about you?" Yaz demanded.

"I have one last thing to do." I turned to the shadow Doctor as everyone left the ship. "Do it."

He glanced at me with a look and smiled. "Being a martyr?"

"Buying them some time. They are far enough not to get affected by the psychic bomb, correct?"

"Correct."

"And you are the one who said I will survived it so not a martyr."

He hummed. "You sure?"

"Do it."

"As you wish."

Just as the door crashed open, I screamed as he filled my head with so much pain it triggered the bomb creating a pulse of energy that sweep the cybermen off their feet.

I clutched my heart as it was rudely stopped.

The last thing I saw is the shadow Doctor hovering over me, muttering something I couldn't hear.

"I only ask because triggering the bomb would send a signal directly to him..." He said. "He is coming, (name). I am coming."

7777

I slowly opened my eyes, found myself on the ground. "Oww..."

The Doctor and the fam are there, surprised to see me alive.

The Doctor scanned me with her sonic. "But...this is impossible." She blurted out. "You are only human, how can you...? You are immortal? Like Jack?"

"Ugh stop talking. Can I get some water please?" I pleaded.

Everyone stared at me weirdly but an old man thankfully gave me some water.

The Doctor still couldn't get over the fact that I survived and demanded to know what I have been hiding from him.

"Take it easy, doc, she did save our life." Graham said.

The Doctor relented.

"The cybermen..."

"Out of commission for now. How did you do that?" The Doctor asked.

"Tell you later."

She glanced at me. "You better." She said firmly before turned to Ko Sharmus who showed us to the Boundary and there a portal opened.

Both the Doctor and the shadow one blanched in horror when they recognized the ruins of Gallifrey.

And then some random guy leaped out of the portal.

"Master." I heard the Doctor spatted in disgust.

"What?" I accidentally yelled. Last time, to my knowledge, the Master is Missy, though? What happened to her?

"Like a pest...he just keep coming back, huh?" I heard the shadow Doctor said with a chuckle.

The Master demanded the Doctor to go with him. She refused at first. But when he threaten to kill the rest of us, she relented.

Reluctantly, she goes with the Master through the portal, instructing the rest of us to stay behind.

"Follow them." The shadow Doctor demanded.

I stared at him as if he has lost his mind.

"Do it!" The force of his words gave me headache.

"Oh, alright! Geez!" I glared at him in annoyance but did as I told and the pounding headache lessened just a bit.

Yaz and the other tried to stop me but I told them not to follow me.

The Doctor is enraged when she saw me. "What the hell? (name), get back out there!"

The Master is not pleased to see me either. "Control your pet, Doctor, or I will be forced to kill her."

I glared at the shadow Doctor at my predicament of having two very angry Time Lord. "I have no choice, okay!" I said to them.

The shadow Doctor chuckled and told me to say something for him intended for the Master.

"Like hell, I'm gonna say that. He is going to kill me." I refused as I glared at the empty space beside me much to the confusion of two still very angry Time Lord. He wanted me to call him by his name 'Koschei'. I clutched my head. "Oh, fine!!"

"You always have such a sort fuse, Koschei." I repeated word for word.

Both the Doctor and the Master flinched and glared at me suspiciously.

Great. Nice going. Is he planning to get myself killed?

"How do you know that name?" The Master demanded.

"He told me." I gesture to the empty space beside me.

The Master stared at the empty space before chuckled darkly. "Your pet has gone insane, Doctor?"

I stared at him flatly, trying to cover my fear. "The Doctor told me." which is the truth. "just not the Doctor you know." also truth since the Master technically never met bow-ties.

The Doctor stared at me in confusion.

"Yeah, don't care." The Master shrugged and pointed his gun at me as I raised my hand in surrender but the Doctor stood firmly in front of me, shielding me from him.

"Don't you dare." The Doctor hissed at him.

"You don't want to do that. Unless you want me stop both of your hearts." I said, more like repeating the shadow Doctor said.

"Are you threatening me?" The Master look pissed.

"(name), who are you talking with?" The Doctor turned around and grabbed both of my arms, demanding an answer out of me.

"I..." Is this it? Do I have to tell her the truth? I turned to look at the shadow Doctor. I swallowed down hard as I look at the Doctor and then at the Master. "To answer your question, yes, that was a threat. How do you think I made the cybermen lost his function, Doctor? I have a psychic bomb inside me, killing me would trigger it, would kill myself and stopped both of your hearts. So unless you want an early death, I suggest you temper yourself." I said as flat as possible.

Both Time Lords stared at me in shock.

"Psychic bomb? Who did that to you?" The Doctor demanded in concern and slight fear.

"The Doctor did." I said softly.

She released me as if stunned.

The Master curiously looked at me and the Doctor. "Oh fuck this, you ruined my moments, ape!"

"(name)..." The Doctor stared at me as if I grow two head suddenly.

"Come on you two, we need to be somewhere else right now!" The Master demanded.

The Doctor grabbed my hand and took me with her as the Master led us the ruin of the citadel.

As we entered the hall of matrix chamber, the Master suddenly hit me over the head, causing to collapse on the floor, losing my consciousness.

Both Doctor and the shadow Doctor are enraged at my behalf. The Master claimed he need her attention on him, not on her stupid pet.

7777

I woke up to huge commotion. The Master is yelling something at a hologram of Ashad and his armies, asking them what happened. We could heard explosion. He turned to the Doctor asking her what has she done but the Doctor claimed it wasn't her.

They were shouting at each other. Until a signal caught on his communication device.

"A signal. The four taps of two hearts." The Master suddenly said in confusion.

I glanced at those two as they started to bicker again. They are the last two Time Lords, so who was it that send him a signal?

My heart suddenly beats faster as dread filled me.

"The signal is getting close but something seemed to prevented it to come through..." the Doctor said as she pulled her sonic at the device that now emitting some sort of pulse. A portal suddenly appeared in the middle of the room.

I turned toward the shadow Doctor who look at me fondly. I couldn't decipher the meaning of it for a time. He suddenly started to fade away and my eyes widened as I suddenly have a realization.

"No!!" I shouted at both the Doctor and the Master trying to make them stop just as a pulse of energy exploded knocking all of us off our feet and I lost my consciousness once more.

7777

The portal opened. A man in bow-ties and dark purple suit stepped out of it.

The Doctor and the Master groaned on the floor. They looked up to see the newcomer.

The Doctor froze in shock when she saw her past-self. Her mouth dropped open.

He fixed his bow-ties with a grin. "Finally..." He turned and glanced at the other two Time Lords. "Hello there."

"Who the hell are you?" The Master asked.

"Victorious, at your service." He said, bowing mockingly at them.

The Doctor's face paled at the name. "But you can't be..."

"Oh? Why not?" He asked.

"You were me. And I never, he never..."

"You are the Doctor. Interesting." He said, eyes gleaming in excitement.

"You...are not me." The Doctor finally realized.

Victorious turned toward the unconscious human at the floor. His eyes softened considerably as he walked and squatted before the human, one hand gently removed the strand of hairs covering the face. "I guess even here, you couldn't escape a Me after all, huh?" he said. He sighed as he cradled the human into his arms. His forehead touches the human gently. "Seemed like you still keep some secret from me too..." He glanced at the Time Lady before him with a chilling smile before turning to look at his human again. "You bad, bad girl, what is to be done with this?"

A/N: I don’t know if there will be more. Maybe if inspiration hit, I will. Bear in mind, if I do write more, I might just add it in the same post instead of making another one so stay tunes? But for now, TTFN.

#doctor who x reader #thirteenth doctor x reader #eleventh doctor x reader #doctor who fanfiction #thirteenth doctor imagine #eleventh doctor imagine #shiefenwrites

104 notes · View notes