#i should just buy them a bottle of metal bed lube and leave it by their door

[bioswear]

DONT REBLOG

Yeah but what if I got a megaphone to heckle my upstairs neighbors with whenever they have squeaky bed sex

I also made this too bc it’s fucking funny, which i think I will print out and put in a SpongeBob folder and leave it also by their door, maybe when I move out next year or if I get woken up at 4 am again

[imaginethathaikyuu]

kinktober - day 9

yaku morisuke - toys 

kinktober faq prompt list

*NSFW warning featuring the usage of sex toys specifically this one fem reader

-

“Y/N, I’ve got a surprise for you!” 

Surprises from Morisuke were never normal or necessary, and were rarely actually for you - so when those words leave his lips, you immediately start to feel uneasy. 

One time, one of his surprises was that he scheduled a two week long beach vacation. For three years in advance. Another one of his surprises was a new pet goldfish.  And just last week he’d come into your bedroom shouting the dreaded ‘S’ word, only for him to show you he had gotten a tattoo. 

You had concluded that his surprises could be literally anything - it could be as simple as a goldfish he had yet to buy a tank for, or as permanent as the simple tattoo he now had in the crux of his elbow. And while it was interesting at the start of your relationship years ago, by now it was downright stressful. 

So you squeezed your eyes shut and prayed it’d be a bouquet of roses and not a lip piercing. 

When he walked into the kitchen, you peeked one eye open, inspecting his face carefully. It was clean of metal - thank goodness. 

He dropped a medium sized box on the counter with a loud thud, the smile on his face a mischievous one. 

“What did you do?” you asked carefully.

“Well, I was up late a few nights ago.”

“As usual.” 

“Leave my sleeping patterns out of this,” he said. “Anyway - I saw an ad online for something that looked… interesting. And I knew we had to have it. So I bought it. And here it is!” 

He gestured to the brown box, as if there was any indication of what’s inside it. And when he finally opened it and pulled out the surprise, you were genuinely caught off guard.

“No.” 

“Come on, baby, let me use it on you -” 

“Why?” 

“Because it’ll be fun! It said ‘orgasm every time,’ so it’s got to be good!” 

You couldn’t believe he bought a sex toy. A bright pink one, no less. 

“Mori - why?” 

“I don’t remember exactly what I was thinking, but…” 

There was a beat of silence as Morisuke tried to come up with an argument in his favor - but he came up empty. 

He put his hands on your shoulders to say, “Look, baby, I’ve got to leave for work now but please, just think about it, okay?” 

You sighed. “Okay.” 

His hands moved to your waist, pulling your body against his. “And tonight when I get home… if you want, we can use these toys and I’ll take care of you, okay, baby?” 

He was obviously attempting to seduce you - throwing in that extra sweet baby to punctuate his sentence, but you only heard one word. 

“Toys? As in you bought more than one?!” 

He scurried out the door, leaving you alone with the box of surprises. 

And you didn’t touch them the entire day. In fact, you took them to the bedroom, put the box on Mori’s night stand, and honestly forgot about them as you went about your normal day. 

Mori got home later than usual due to a meeting that ran much longer than he expected, so you were already in bed by the time you saw him again. 

“You’re going to bed early,” he said, beginning to change out of his work clothes. 

You sat up, “I didn’t have anything else to do. It’s boring when you get home late.” 

“I know, baby, I’ll try to make it up to you and get home early tomorrow, okay?” 

You nodded, and after he got his sweatpants on he jumped into bed with you. 

“You ate dinner, right?” 

“Yeah, there’s some for you in the kitchen.” 

“You mean there’s nothing in here for me to eat?” 

He pulled you close to him as you laughed, pointing out how cheesy he is. 

“I thought it was a pretty good line,” he argued. “I’m not hungry for anything but you, baby.” 

He rolled on top of you as his lips softly kissed your neck, in a trail leading toward your chest. Your low cut tank-top caught his eye the moment he walked into the room, and it made your collarbones and chest perfect targets for his lips. 

“You smell good,” he noted, his nose brushing your collarbone. 

“New shampoo.” 

“Well you should keep using it,” he said, taking a deep breath of your sweet scent. 

You hummed and allowed him to do as he pleased - his hand snuck up your shirt, and he pulled it off of you easily. 

While he was focused on your breasts - and he was very focused on them - you were distracted. You could see the box from this morning in the corner of your eye, and as much as you hated to admit it, the curiosity about it was eating you alive.

You at least wanted to see which ones he bought. And who knows, maybe one of them would catch your eye. 

“Mori.” 

His wide eyes looked up at you, your nipple in his mouth, and he quickly let it go. “Hm?” 

“The box is over there.” 

“...the box?” 

He turned around to look where you were gesturing. 

“Oh! The box!” 

He looked back at you, not catching your eye roll. 

“Want to try them?” 

“Just… let me see them.” 

He hops up and gets the box, emptying its contents on the bed. 

There were multiple, but honestly less than you expected. You knew Morisuke had a habit of going all out when online shopping, but it seems like he chose these items with care.

Really, he just bought multiple different vibrators. The bright pink rabbit vibe called Malibu Minx is what caught your eye at first - but not for good reason. It was big. And bright. And you did not want it inside you. 

There was a small purple one in the shape of a bullet - literally called The Bullet Vibe. You weren’t really interested in that one, either. 

A white one that looked like a microphone was familiar to you - you knew those are really common, but it didn’t look like it’d give you much pleasure. 

There were a couple other boxes, as well as a bottle of lube, but you just felt overwhelmed. You looked up to Mori, who had a big grin on his face. 

“Want me to pick?” 

“Just get an… easy one, okay?” 

He must have had this planned, because he didn’t hesitate to grab one. 

The Womanizer. 

The name alone was intimidating - but you decided to just trust him. 

He sat between your legs and opened the box, pulling the contraption out, along with its instructions. 

The toy was small, with a head that looked something like a suction cup.

He started to enthusiastically read the instructions: “Meet The Womanizer: the revolutionary air-powered clit stimulator! The Womanizer uses waves of air pressure to drive your clit wild. It comes with 2 silicone suction tips, so you can use the one that fits your clit the best.” He stopped reading to pick up the toy, glancing down at the silicone tip attached to it. “Does this one fit you?” 

“How should I know?”

“...We’ll just say yes. ...The tip fits around your clit, while The Womanizer uses puffs of air for stimulation – making it feel similar to oral sex!”

“So why don’t we just… have oral sex?”

“Baby, sh, I’m reading. 100% waterproof… eight stimulation modes… clean before using - I’ll be right back.” 

You groaned as he quickly ran to the bathroom to clean the toy. This seemed like way more trouble than it’s worth, and by now you weren’t even in the mood for this. 

When he returned he quite literally hopped onto the bed, and then crawled on top of you. 

“Are you ready to be womanized?” 

“Morisuke.”

He giggled, “what? You don’t think that was funny?” 

Even though you were laughing, you said, “no.” 

“Well, I’m going to need verbal consent, baby. The instructions said so.” 

“Just take off my underwear and use that thing so I can prove that this was a bad idea.” 

“We’ll see,” he said with a grin, tugging your underwear off as you instructed him to. 

He positioned the suction-cup like head at your clit, and with a kiss on your cheek asked, “Are you ready?” 

You hurried him along, so he flicked the toy onto the first setting. 

And your eyes widened. 

“Holy shit.” 

“What? Are you okay -” 

“Turn it up higher.” 

He hit the button a couple of times - unsure if anything was even happening - and you gripped his shoulder tight. 

“Holy shit.” 

“Does it feel good?” 

You looked at him with what he thought was a worried expression, and nodded. “Yeah, yeah it does - ah, oh, fuck!” 

It really did feel like oral sex - it felt exactly like Mori’s mouth, but with much more controled pressure. 

“Mori,” you moaned, throwing your head back on the pillow, “fuck, Morisuke!” 

“You’re moaning my name and I’m not even touching you.” 

“Shut up, I’m about to cum, shut up.” 

“Already?” 

“Mori -” 

“Go on and cum, baby, please hurry and cum for me,” he begged as he turned the toy up again, as high as it would go. “I need you to cum for me, baby girl.” 

Your hips jerked as you searched for your orgasm, but you didn’t have to - the toy was basically pulling it out of you. You dug your nails into Mori’s shoulder as you came with a loud groan - it felt like your body was exploding into fireworks and that toy was the spark that set you aflame. 

It was intense, but it was short. You pulled at Morisuke’s wrist to get him to turn it off when you were finished. 

“Holy shit.” 

You both managed to say it in unison as you attempted to catch your breath; Mori threw the toy onto the bed. 

“That was hot,” he told you. “Really fucking hot.” 

“It felt good. This was officially a good idea.”

He mentally patted himself on the back, and then caught your lips for a small kiss. 

“Which one should we try next?”

-

tune in tomorrow for kinktober day 10: cock worship + deep throating

[firebrands]

baby we’ll be fine (steve/tony)

Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, established relationship, explicit, 2.3k | also on ao3

stony bingo card fill for "conflict resolution style"

***

Tony snuggles against Steve and sighs contentedly, closing his eyes as Steve draws patterns with his finger on Tony’s bicep.

“We’re good together, aren’t we,” Steve says, smiling softly.

Tony hums in response, turning his head to press a quick kiss to Steve’s bare chest.

“I’m afraid of what’ll happen when we’re both in a bad mood,” Tony says after a while.

“I’m sure we’ll figure it out if it happens,” Steve says easily, then kisses Tony’s forehead before telling JARVIS to switch off the lights.

They don’t figure it out.

*

Steve goes down to Tony’s workshop and finds him bent over the legs of the suit, adjusting wires.

“Why aren’t you ready yet?”

“Ready for what?” Tony’s voice is metallic as it echoes around the suit.

“For the dinner,” Steve says, adjusting his cuffs self-consciously as he moves towards Tony. “At the Ritz?”

“Oh, that’s tonight?” Tony finally straightens up and whistles as his eyes land on Steve, wearing his officer’s uniform. “You look so good,” he says, emphasizing the last word as a smile forms on his lips.

“Yes, it’s tonight,” Steve says, rolling his eyes fondly. “In an hour, so please—”

“How about we skip it?” Tony asks, wiping his hands on a towel before sidling up to Steve and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He raises his hands to loosen Steve’s tie, but Steve swats them away. “Don’t,” he says. “We can’t skip tonight, Tony.”

Tony frowns. “I might really have to, though,” he says, looking at his fingernails then beginning to pick at the grime under them.

“But we agreed—”

“Yeah, but I have an urgent thing for—”

“It can’t be that urgent if you’re working on the suit and propositioning me,” Steve smiles, tries for levity, but sees that he fails when Tony turns away with a roll of his eyes.

“Well I can’t.”

“Can’t, or don’t want to?”

“Both? Whatever, I’m not going, I have to—”

“Tony, you know how much I hate going to these things, too,” Steve says, trying for sympathy. 

“Then don’t go!” Tony snaps, exasperated. 

“We made a commitment, Tony!” Steve says, equally exasperated. “It’s only for an hour or two anyway, I don’t—”

“Just go without me then, if it’s just an hour,” Tony still has his back to Steve, and Steve feels anger rising up his throat at how he’s being treated. 

“Would you look at me, please,” Steve says, grasping Tony’s shoulder.

Tony shrugs it off. “I’m not going,” he says quietly.

Steve lets out a harsh breath and leaves.

*

Several hours later, Tony stills when he feels Steve’s hands press against his shoulders, gently straightening him up. 

“You’re slouching again,” Steve murmurs, just before pressing his lips against Tony’s nape. “Wanna take a break?”

“Not really,” Tony grumbles, shaking off Steve’s hands and returning to his slouch.

“I’m sorry for snapping,” Steve says, wrapping his hands around Tony’s waist and digging his nose against Tony’s hair. 

Tony continues soldering wires on a circuit board. Steve hums, presses another kiss to Tony’s neck. The wiring isn’t working properly and Tony hates that he knows what’s wrong immediately after connecting them, and he lets out a growl as he rips them all out.

“Can you not?” Tony snaps, pushing away from the table and pushing away Steve’s hands. Steve makes an affronted sound, but moves away. 

Tony turns to Steve. “Seriously I need to finish this, so just leave me alone,” he says, and stomps around the workshop looking for new wires.

Steve stands absolutely still, and Tony can feel the waves of irritation radiating off him.

“I said I was sorry,” he says impassively.

“Fine, all is forgiven, get out,” Tony says, his brain suddenly feeling too hot for his skull—he should just shut up, he should just not—“door’s right there,” he says, gesturing.

“Why are you being such a jerk?” Steve looks both annoyed and disgusted, and Tony’s pretty sure Steve learned that look from him. That riles him up even more: how dare Steve use that face on him.

“Why are you being a jerk!” Tony shouts. “You were perfectly fine leaving me for a useless dinner just to make Fury happy, so just go. I have to build this—”

“Fine! Why don’t you go and build something that will just take all of your bullshit and not talk back. That’s what you want anyway, isn’t it?” Steve snaps, turns on his heel, and stalks out of the workshop.

For the first time in months, Steve sleeps in his own quarters.

Tony rolls around in his suddenly too-large bed, thinking about how eventually, everyone proves him right anyway.

*

The alarm sounds sometime midday and everything goes to shit.

Steve is pinned down by Doom bots and Tony isn’t really thinking anything other than protect when he flies over and picks Steve up by his waist.

“I was fine!” Steve yells.

“No you weren’t,” Tony says sharply, then checks to see if they’re on a private channel.

“Feels real good to just swoop in and save me, doesn’t it?” 

“Hey I’m — I’m just trying to help,” Tony says, feeling off-balance.

“Well, you weren’t necessary. I had it under control.”

“Fine!” Tony snaps, and drops Steve in the middle of the street.

“Can this lover’s quarrel wait?” Clint yells, just as he fires an arrow and making a bot explode.

*

Clint’s lips are pursed as Doctor Cho assesses the damage to his broken ankle and the air in the clinic is thick with tension. 

“We need to talk,” Steve grinds out, and takes Tony’s arm as he drags the other man behind him out of the room.. 

“Yeah, no shit!” Clint yells after them.

They walk in silence to the elevator, an unspoken rule between them that they’ll wait to yell at each other (again) until they’re back in Tony’s room. Strange that a few days ago this place was theirs, that a few days ago neither of them could fathom this feeling. 

Once the door closes behind them, Tony takes one look at Steve, makes a disgusted noise and rolls his eyes.

“You happy?” Tony asks.

“Are you?” 

Steve hasn’t felt this angry and confused in a long time. 

He’s unused to the parentheticals of a relationship; when once a fight was a fight, this time, there’s an emotion Steve doesn’t want to name belying it all, stopping him from really taking a swing, making him pull all his punches. 

That is, until Tony squares up and pushes against Steve, chest to chest. “Come on, Rogers. I know you want to. Just hit me already.”

Something wild and animalistic takes over him, and he grabs Tony by his shoulders and pulls him into a kiss. It’s a distraction tactic, maybe, and Steve wants to scream, wants to tell Tony to fuck the hell off, I love you—

Instead, he kisses him hard on the mouth, afraid of anything else he could possibly do.

Tony kisses back, angry and forceful, bites at Steve’s lower lip and lets out a low growl at Steve’s yelp.

Steve grips Tony’s hips and walks them toward the vague direction of the bed, stopping only when Tony’s back lands against the wall with a thud.

Tony pulls away, about to say something, but Steve kisses him again, pushing him against the wall with his chest, grinding against him.

A moan escapes Tony’s lips, followed by a growl of annoyance. He pushes against Steve, which only makes Steve want to keep him pinned there; he pulls away and takes a breath before pressing open mouthed kisses on Tony’s neck, sucking and biting. Tony writhes under him, and Steve grabs Tony’s thighs and hauls him up. Instinctively, Tony’s legs wrap around Steve’s waist.

Steve grunts in response, and Tony fumbles uselessly with the buttons of Steve’s shirt until he lets out an annoyed huff and rips it off.

“I liked that shirt,” Steve snarls.

“I’ll buy you a new one,” Tony says breathlessly, as Steve ducks his head down to bite Tony’s nipple.

Tony’s grabbing Steve’s bare arms, trying to find purchase as Steve grinds his cock against Tony’s ass.

Steve holds Tony up with one arm as he unbuckles Tony’s belt, and Tony lets out a gasp as Steve’s hand brushes against his cock. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Tony chants, as Steve pulls down Tony’s pants and briefs. 

“Oh we will,” Steve whispers against Tony’s ear, his voice slightly menacing. He grins as he feels Tony shiver against him.

Tony grabs Steve’s jaw and pulls him in for a bruising kiss, their teeth clicking together, clumsy with their passion.

Somehow, it still feels like fighting, and there’s a fire in Steve’s belly that he only knows will be quenched in one way.

Steve carries Tony to the bed and they tumble messily into it, Tony’s hands under his shirt, making half moons on his skin as he digs his nails into Steve’s back. Steve pulls away Tony’s arms and stands to get undressed.

“Take off your clothes,” he orders.

“Make me.” Tony smirks as he moves back on the bed, lying down and crossing his legs at his ankles.

Steve clenches his jaw and climbs onto the bed, resting his knees on either side of Tony’s hips. “You really want to try me, Stark?” he growls.

“I said make me,” Tony hisses, before reaching up to pull Steve in for a searing kiss.

Steve moves his hands to unbutton Tony’s shirt, but Tony bats his hands away; they continue kissing, biting, kissing. Steve moves his hands down to Tony’s pants, moves a hand under Tony’s back to lift him up as he slides off Tony’s jeans. Tony tries to grab Steve’s hands to stop the motion, but it’s of no use.

Steve places a hand on Tony’s chest, holding him down, as he reaches over for a bottle of lube. 

Tony continues to writhe under him, fingers clawing down Steve’s back. 

Steve parts Tony’s thighs with his knees and he squeezes lube onto his fingers; Tony’s eyes are bright with want, and Steve pulls Tony in for a kiss as he slips his fingers into him.

Tony hisses at the contact, and Steve moves down to press open mouthed kisses on his chest. Tony fists Steve’s hair, guiding him down to his cock. “Suck me,” he orders.

Steve tries to move his head from under Tony’s grip - he’s not really using all of his strength, enjoying the small pinpricks of pain. He tilts his head up and meets Tony’s eyes. “Make me,” he grins.

Tony sucks in a breath, and moves his hand from Steve’s hair to Steve’s jaw. He presses his thumb against Steve’s lips. “Open,” he says, a bit breathlessly as Steve continues to fuck his fingers into Tony’s ass.

Steve shakes his head, a smirk still on his lips.

Tony presses harder against Steve’s mouth, tugs hard enough at Steve’s hair to make him gasp. He slips his thumb into Steve’s mouth at the first opportunity.

Steve breathes around Tony’s finger, a bit dazed from the sudden pain.

Tony tugs at Steve’s hair again. “Suck,” he orders.

Steve swipes his tongue along the pad of Tony’s thumb, and Tony moans, low and deep. Steve continues to lick and suck, watching as Tony’s eyes darken with lust. 

Steve places a hand on Tony’s hip, trying to gain back control as he continues to slide his fingers into Tony’s ass, but Tony’s grip on his hair is tight.. Steve slips another finger in and Tony keens, his hand on Steve’s jaw tightening. 

Steve adjusts, parts Tony’s legs wider, and balances himself on top of Tony as he slides into Tony’s tight, wet heat.

“Fuck,” they groan in unison, and Steve begins snapping his hips against Tony’s. Tony’s hands roam all over Steve’s chest, back, and arms, pulling him down to bite at whatever skin he can reach. The pain shoots pleasure up Steve’s spine, and Steve’s sure his grip on Tony’s hip will leave a bruise, so he grips tighter.

*

They’re lying beside each other, boneless, sweaty, and panting.

“Wow,” Tony says. 

“Yeah,” Steve huffs out a surprised chuckle.

Steve reaches over and takes Tony’s hand in his.

“I don’t want us to fight like that again,” he says, turning his head to look at Tony. 

“Me too,” Tony says, before letting out a deep sigh. “Even if that was the hottest sex we’ve had.” He turns to his side and lays a hand on Steve’s stomach. “I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” Steve says as he tucks his arm under Tony’s head and pulls him close. “And for what it’s worth, I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry.”

“I’m no good at this,” Tony’s admits, right before he turns his head to hide his face in Steve’s armpit. “I’m sorry too,” he adds, voice muffled. 

“I’m no good at this either,” Steve says, shifting so he and Tony are face to face. “But we should probably do something to figure it out so it doesn’t get that bad next time,” he adds, touching his finger to Tony’s nose in an affectionate gesture.

“Yeah.” Tony chews on his lip for a few seconds, then sits up. He reaches over to his table and flicks on his tablet, humming a tuneless melody.

Steve watches quietly as Tony’s gaze moves across the screen, then rests his hands on Tony’s wrist. “Can work wait?” he murmurs, doing his best not to get annoyed, and hoping that Tony doesn’t get annoyed, either.

Tony startles. “It’s not work,” he says, setting the tablet back on the bed. “So, how do you feel about coming up with a list?”

“For?” Steve asks, patting the space beside him on the bed.

A small smile blooms on Tony’s face and he settles down beside Steve. “About when we get upset with each other. Rules of engagement kind of thing.”

“Were you researching?” Steve asks with a laugh. 

“Yes,” Tony sniffs. “The internet exists to provide solutions.”

Steve nods, then pulls Tony into a hug. “Look at you, admitting you don’t know things,” he says, pressing a kiss to Tony’s temple.

Tony huffs out a laugh. “Aren’t you proud of me?” he asks sarcastically.

“Always,” Steve says. “Even when you’re being a jerk.”

“Good,” Tony shuts his eyes. “List tomorrow.”

[sharperwriting]

Miro’s belt

This NSFW story was requested. It contains anal, toys, dub-con, power imbalance, girls with members, large insertions and chastity. 

2.231 words.

Miro was in her room, looking at the new item she had bought, a chastity belt, Alex has been fucking her day and night and her own pussy was getting sore from so much sex, and Alex being as pushy and needy as she is meant that saying no to her would be hard, not to forget that Alex was the Master in the relationship Miro had agreed on a long while back. Alex had 'forgotten' to turn off the toys while Miro was supposed to sleep in bondage a few days ago, easy to say that Miro didn't sleep at all. The belt was shiny with metal, a cushioned inside meant to help for long periods of time. It was held in such a way that she wouldn't have problems going to the bathroom, an easily cleanable hole for her to pee and a rather large hole for her anus. Miro happily put on the device, hiding the key inside of her pillow. Now she was locked and safe form getting her pussy pounded, her tail swung from side to side happily, but she was starting to think about it and maybe Alex would be angry about it. It would surely make her angry to not get any action in a while but Miro giggled to herself thinking about Alex all needy and begging to have sex. She would find out what reaction Alex would have sooner rather than later, as Alex knocked on the door of Miro's room. Alex opened the door soon after, her stare drifting from the floor upwards. Seeing Miro's discarded pants and panties that had been removed, getting excited for a second just to realize that something was new. A lock, and what was locking was her favorite hole to fuck all day long. Miro was somewhat scared, laying on her bed in a somewhat curled up position, her ears perked and her tail was stiff. Alex walked to the front of Miro's bed, no words were said while Alex had her eyes on Miro's belt, not changing the focus of her stare until she was right in front of the bed, a bulge could be seen on her pants. That very same bulge could be seen better as Alex removed her pants and made her member fall out. Large, thick and somewhat erect already. A simple word in her raspy voice "Suck" and Miro would automatically get to it without any hesitation, licking and sucking the head of Alex's large member while the Master's stare was fixed on the Servant, a predator and the prey. Alex was getting more and more erect as the licking and sucking went on, on the point that she was stiff. Miro was still gently sucking, licking and kissing the head and the shaft of Alex, but that wouldn't be enough to get her to full mast. Alex placed her hand on the back of Miro's head, Miro automatically knowing what was next and putting the entirety of Alex's tip inside of her mouth, relaxing the muscles of her mouth, neck, and somewhat below. That relaxation came in handy as Alex grabbed harshly and pushed down against her own crotch, Miro's throat was completely filled with Alex's member, her nose against Alex's pubis, and her chin being caressed by her balls. Alex opened her mouth once again to talk, but this time not an order, but a question. "Where is the key?" She said while she was still deep inside of Miro. Miro's eyes opened, ears perked and tail stiff once more. She really didn't want to say it, shaking her head from side to side as much as she could while her mouth and throat were full, almost choking from it. Alex showed a grin on her face, her sharp teeth on display for Miro to fear. Alex pulled out up to the head, letting Miro's throat free from all the pression for just a second, before slamming her length down her throat once again, repeating the process another two times. Making Miro choke hard as the air was being pulled in and out violently, saliva flying off Miro's mouth and Alex's length, staining on their clothing, skin as well as some of it falling on the bed. Alex asked once again while she was deep inside of Miro. "I don't like to repeat myself, where is the key?" Miro closed her eyes, nervous, but refused to answer at all this time. "Oh? Is that so?" She said, pulling out of Miro's throat completely in one go. Miro was coughing and spitting some saliva, her throat was feeling very sore from the violent use. Alex's shaft on the other hand was completely erect, lubricated with Miro's saliva from tip to base, making it shine under the light. While Miro was still coughing, not having recovered herself from the throat fucking yet, Alex grabbed her by the sides, pulling her so she could inspect the belt closely. It didn't take her much for her to find the kind of thing she was looking for, a good and large hole for the anal cavity. "Heh, since there is no lube at hand, I guess your spit will have to work~" Alex said teasingly, making Miro lay on the bed with her face against the sheets and her butt high. Miro had just realized a certain flaw in her plan, and a flaw that Alex wouldn't mind using at all. As she was trying to relax her muscles to get ready for it, she looked at her left, a bottle of lube completely full was laying on a rather nearby table, no more than 3 steps away. Earlier Miro was wondering if the belt would make Alex angry, a small shriek escaped out of Miro's mouth, the large length slamming itself inside of Miro's rectum and straightening it up completely, with a very obvious lack of lubrication which could have easily been avoided all to confirm that Alex was indeed very angry. Miro was used to getting her womb slammed, but anal was somewhat different, while if Alex entered her vagina with less lube than needed the hole would lubricate the member to make it more pleasurable, anal just meant decreasing amounts of lubrication with each thrust. Miro was gasping with each thrust, tears building in her eyes while she got fucked hard, the sound of Alex's thrusts tearing away at her asshole resonating within the walls, soon to be followed with the sharp sounds of spanking. 'plapplapplapplapplapplapTCHZplapplapplapplapplapTCHZplapTCHZTCHZplapplapplapplapplapTCHZplapplap....' making echo on the walls while the source of the sound wouldn't seem to stop any time soon. Miro was now feeling some pleasure out of it, but her ass was hurting badly and would most likely be sore for an entire week after that. Soon Miro would be about to come in an unholy mix of pain and pleasure, just to find Alex pulling out completely, unloading her load all over Miro's back and even reaching her hair. Miro was whimpering and trying to rub herself desperately, tears streaming off her face before she pulled into her pillow, retrieving the key to free herself so she could get that orgasm she had endured so hard to get. However Alex had another plan, stealing the key off Miro's hand just as she was about to unlock the belt. "Oh, so here it is~ That wasn't so hard was it?~" She added teasingly, not needing anything else from Miro, she walked to the door and closed behind herself, leaving Miro needy, whimpering, regretting her decision of buying the item she was now stuck with until Alex decided to unlock her. Alex was now playing a certain game with Miro, well, from Alex's perverse and perverted perspective it was a game, from Miro's was a very cruel punishment. Miro would pass the first month trying to defy her Master's authority, trying to rub herself and earn an orgasm but the stimulation was never enough, she would come to Alex for help but, always a grin followed instantly by intense anal, and always, every god damn time, would be left on the edge to whimper. The second month Alex was getting creative, showing Miro the key multiple times, always near enough to seem in reach, but was actually far enough to not be grabbable by Miro, and even in the occasions it was, Alex was very much faster, Miro tried to grab the key twice, the first time she got off with a warning, the second time she spent an entire day inside of a cell, with her asshole plugged in such a way that she couldn't remove it, and that she couldn't even try playing with that hole, Miro didn't try to get the key more after that. On the sixth month Alex would always carry a vibrating magic wand and a thin metal plate, similar to what Miro was wearing. She would press the vibrator against the plate, making Miro see how the metal vibrated intensely and shook in place. Meanwhile Miro's belt wouldn't vibrate at all thanks to the cushion, wouldn't stop Miro from trying to vibrate herself or to put vibrators inside the belt multiple times, just to find that the size of the belt was completely perfect to not let a single thing inside, doing it's job a bit too efficient. By the eight month, her pussy was always wet, needy, she was grinding herself up and down, trying to get pleasure from her nipples, from her ass, trying to fit very large toys that Alex left for her to play with. But none of them were as pleasurable as Alex's large cock, her cock fit perfectly inside the hole of the belt, while the toys were either too small or didn't actually fit thanks to the restrictions from the belt. What had started as a way to relief herself for small whiles was becoming pure torture. By the twelfth month, Miro was completely aroused, not being able to sleep properly or even eat as properly as she should, Alex had abused her butt, her cheeks, her nipples and breasts, even sometimes asked Miro to write lewd and embarrassing stuff on her own body. Alex showed her the key one more time. "You know what this is, right?" She said, at which Miro nodded, about to cry already, too needy for an orgasm, too weak to even try to grab the key. Alex soon had Miro tied up, arms behind back, legs pulled apart and unable to bend her knees, breasts back arched so her breasts would be on full display. Every single part of Miro's body was sore, her ass, her pussy, her limbs, her torso, even her mind felt very much sore. A vibrating seat which was somewhat similar to a wooden horse, just that the wooden horse had pain in mind, while this one was completely made for pleasure. Alex gagged Miro, followed by blindfolding her. Finally, a click would be heard, a click which made Miro's mind run wild, the belt finally being removed, her pussy was red, soaking wet without the need of any touch, twitching madly in complete need. Miro moaned loudly while Alex lowered her onto the sexual furniture, her pussy being gently spread by the toy. Miro was collared and leashed, the rope was put so she wouldn't fall off, the collar was made for her to lower her pose, making her breasts drop and float on the air. The toy started and Miro immediately came, mind shattering orgasm as she splashed both sides of the toy with her very well deserved relief, the pleasure hitting from the tips of her fingertips to the tips of her hair, burning through her system and leaving her mind to violently love every single second of that orgasm. However, the sound of a door closing was heard, Alex had left the room, leaving Miro to 'enjoy' her reward, and Miro would enjoy it over, and over, and over, and over. Until she wasn't enjoying it. And she would not enjoy it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over. 4 hours had gone by until the toy was out of batteries, with Miro drooling, crying, her mind completely blank, her entire body even sorer than before, there wasn't even sweat remaining on her, completely spent. A rope was removed, letting Miro fall on the ground, unconscious. Miro would wake up clean, some water in her system but she still needed to drink some more water. Alex was petting her gently, caressing her head. This time, a kind smile was shown instead of the smirk. "Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She said gently while she caressed Miro's cheek, looking lovingly into her eyes. Miro moved her head to the sides with a smile on her own face, leaning into Alex's touch gently and closing her eyes, to relax in what would be a week of nothing but aftercare. "...You do know that you could have used your safeword, right?" Alex added with a chuckle at the end. Miro just nodded, adding a giggle. "Heh.. well, anyways what do you think is on TV?" Alex added, finally, they could get some rest.

[hotpinklizard]

Hi! Do you take prompts? Maybe darcy/steve/bucky for something like "No one would suspect.."?

Thank you for the prompt! You can read it here on AO3.ExpectationsDarcy enjoys watching her boys shatter people’s expectations of them. People seem to expect Bucky and Steve to be angry old geezers, shaking their fists as they rant about the youth of America. So when a journalist asks in an interview if they just hate things like instant oatmeal and powdered hot chocolate, saying it’s not as good as how things used to be done, Steve says, “No! It saves a lot of time and it tastes good. I think it’s great.” Darcy saves a screenshot of the reporter’s dismayed face for a rainy day.

The current trend in media is the thirst for information about heroes’ private lives. Darcy, as part of the PR team for the Avengers, puts a moratorium on questions about their dating lives and families. Some of the reporters like to push boundaries, but most know that they aren’t going to get anywhere and stick to questions that only sometimes toe the line. Recently it’s been a surge in trying to get heroes’ political affiliations. Or get them to say something scandalous.

“Would you agree that modern TV and movies are boring because there’s too much emphasis on political correctness?” a reporter asks when Steve is just out trying to buy groceries.

“I love seeing different stories. Diversity isn’t a buzzword, it’s the reality of the world,” Steve says before going back to buying his tomatoes.

The reporter looks disappointed that Steve isn’t secretly a bigot. Darcy smirks when she sees the clip online. The only media coaching she had to give him for questions like that is to not call the person who asked any foul names.

That’s one of the reasons she’s with Steve in the first place. Steve is good. He doesn’t need to be told that people matter, he just knows. She’d dated a man in college who admitted that he didn’t know why he should care about others and she’d dipped out of there as fast as she could at 3:00 a.m. in floppy slippers.

Pepper reluctantly allows a Fox News reporter to attend a press conference at the tower, out of what Darcy has a suspicion is just morbid curiosity. The smarmy man asks Bucky if he likes how free speech and their politicians are being attacked. Bucky says, “Free speech is me not getting arrested for telling you you’re a goddamn asshole. Or calling the president a goddamn asshole.”

And that’s one of the reasons she’s with Bucky, too. He is all out of fucks to give and isn’t interested in searching for more. He’d spent so much time being forced to be someone else that now, now that he’s spent a lot of time in therapy and a lot of time figuring out what he wants, he’s unabashedly himself and refuses to change for anyone. She loves that.

Startled and irritated, the reporter changes tactics and asks Bucky and Steve their opinion about the conservative economic plans.

“You do know we were raised in the Great Depression, right?” Steve says, eyebrows raised. “Believe it or not, we don’t want to deal with that again.”

Emboldened by the other reporter, a local news reporter asks about LGBTQIA+ rights. Pepper steps in to put a stop to what she probably feels is an inquisition, but they’re way ahead of her.

“We’re all passionate about equality,” Tony says smoothly, but Bucky cuts off whatever he was going to say next.

“You know that being gay isn’t a new invention, right?” Bucky says, glaring hard. “Do you really think queer people weren’t around when we were growing up?”

“Is that how you identify?” the reporter asks quickly.

Darcy knows Bucky would easily say fuck yeah he is and fuck you, but he doesn’t. Steve isn’t ready for the three of them to be public, and there are enough rumors about his relationship with Bucky as it is. She doesn’t care if people know, Bucky doesn’t care if people know, but they care that Steve cares.

“No one’s sexuality is your damn business,” he says instead.

Pepper cuts in there, changing the topic to Tony, who happily takes the limelight off them. It’s not the best, Steve and Bucky aren’t fond of interviews or cameras in their faces, but it handle it well enough. More than that, the department that handles Avengers-related fan mail and threatening letters reports an uptick in letters from queer kids who feel more accepted knowing their heroes love them, so that’s good.

People also seem to expect Steve and Bucky to only enjoy old man activities, like golf and talking about the war, as if they’re just younger version of everyone’s grandparents, or serious shit like cleaning their knives and shield all day. They’d be shocked to know that they like watching snowboarding and eating shitty take out and playing video games. Steve is a wild man at any racing game and Bucky is an absolute wild man at Mario Party.

Not a damn person would believe her if she told them the former Winter Solider knitted her a sweater when she complained she couldn’t find one in the purple that she liked. They wouldn’t believe Steve is an avid Parks and Recreation fan. Not a soul would believe that when she took them to an adult store for the first time ever, it was Steve and Bucky that mostly filled the basket with all kinds of adventurous things they want to try, Darcy just adding a couple bottles of lube and condoms.

Darcy is lounging in bed, wearing leggings and the oversized purple sweater from Bucky and flipping through news articles on her phone. Bucky’s lying next to her on his stomach, face buried in his pillow, arm slung over her waist. There’s a soft beep letting them know someone (Steve) has entered the code to their apartment, and a few moments later, Steve is faceplanting into bed next to Bucky, groaning.

“Long morning?” Darcy asks, looking up from her phone. Steve just groans again, flipping off Bucky when he laughs.

“Why do you guys get a mid-day nap and I had to be Pepper’s show pony all morning?” Steve asks.

“You love when the kids visit,” Darcy says. It’s true, Steve always makes sure to be available when the schoolkids have their tours of Stark Tower.

“Yeah, but their parents…”

Yeah, okay, that’s fair. There’s always at least one chaperone that thinks she (or he) can make Captain America fall in love with them in a single afternoon. Darcy’d had to rescue him last year when a particularly forward husband and wife had tried to entice him to come home with them. Darcy had invented a fake emergency (Code Periwinkle for fake emergencies and quick getaways from social situations) and hustled him out, trying to look very serious and not at all amused.

“It’s your turn next time,” Steve says, turning his head to look at Bucky. “The kids love you.”

“They try to hang from my metal arm like a jungle gym,” Bucky grumbles, squinting an eye open to look at Steve.

“You love that,” Darcy says, nudging her toes against his thigh. He reaches behind him, grabbing at her ankle and tugging her toward him. She shrieks out a laugh, rolling with the movement until she’s lying on his back. Steve snorts at them, rolling to his side.

“Only when it’s you, doll,” he says.

“Liar,” she says, grinning. She presses a kiss to the back of his neck before Steve pulls her by the wrist until she’s squished between them.

“Nap now, jungle gym later,” he says, throwing an arm over her waist, his fingers resting on Bucky’s back.

“This is dumb,” she says, face pressed against his chest. “Why are we all squished on one half of the bed when there’s a whole empty side?”

“Because Bucky isn’t moving,” Bucky says, eyes closed again. Steve kicks at Bucky’s legs until he gives in with a grumble, rolling over until there’s enough room for them all to lie comfortably (it’s a California king mattress, really the only option when there are two sets of shoulders like Steve and Bucky’s).

The only expectations people have of the two of them that Darcy doesn’t want rocked are related to the battlefield. Everyone assumes Captain America and the former Winter Soldier will always be victorious. They’ll watch, follow the news with wide, fearful eyes, but they always believe the two of them will come out on top.

Darcy is good with everyone having that expectation. It’s probably unhealthy, but she clings to that when they’re out on some mission and she doesn’t know if they’ll be back. She holds onto the country’s collective belief that Steve and Bucky are invincible, her breath held as she watches them battle aliens or robots or other enhanced baddies in the street.

She knows they’re strong, she knows they know what they’re doing, but she worries. It’s in her nature, she’s a worrier. She hides it well most of the time, shielding herself with bravado and sarcastic quips, but something in her heart still clenches when she sees one of them take a hit, even if they stand back up almost immediately. She knows they’re doing what they believe in, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. The only thing worse is not watching.

She never really considered their worry for her. They’re protective, but careful not to be overbearing so she honestly doesn’t think too much about it. But then she’s downtown, walking to get coffee when the ground shakes. She doesn’t know what’s going on, only that what looks like small robots are flying around above the city, dropping small bomb on the city.

“Shit!” she says, turning on her heel and running toward the closest alley, looking for any kind of cover. “Shit, shit, shit…”

An explosion in front of her knocks down part of a wall in the alley, and a second later there’s a pained yowl. Trapped with a pile of bricks on its back leg in a dirty black cat, eyes wide in pain and fear and damn it, she can’t just leave it.

It takes a few moments but she gets the cat’s leg out from under the bricks, scooping it up and holding it close to her chest as she runs. She’s not immediately clawed to death, which she’s grateful for, but also probably means the cat’s in shock.

There’s a small alcove farther down that used to be a loading zone for delivery trucks. She ducks behind the bricks right when one of the little robot bombs drops. She screams, can’t help it, as part of the balcony above her collapses, dropping in front of her and trapping her in the brick alcove with a mass of concrete and rubble in front of her.

“Okay, okay,” she mutters, trying to pull her phone out of her bag with one hand, the other cradling the cat that’s begun to shake in earnest. “It’s okay, kitty, we got this. Fuck, no service, we don’t got this.”

No, this is fine, this is totally fine. The explosions are already moving away, like they’re going for as much chaos as possible, not targeting anyone specific, so she doubts anything will be back to finish her off. Still, she’s trapped with an injured cat and no one has any idea where she is. If her phone doesn’t have service, they can’t track her, right? If they even realize she’s missing. It’s the middle of the work day, would anyone expect her to be here? Would they think to look?

She’s expecting a very long wait for rescue, if one comes at all. She’s sitting down with her back against the wall, the cat calmer now that Darcy’s wrapped it in her jacket. There’s no name tag, so Darcy’s decided it’s now Florence. She has no idea if it’s a boy or girl cat, but it’s Florence now, and she’s going to get Florence out of this, damn it.

It’s nearing hour two of being trapped and she’s starting to get antsy, when there’s shifting of the rubble. She scrambles to her feet, holding Florence tightly, and shrinks back into the corner, trying to avoid anything falling on her.

It’s not the building collapsing, though. The concrete blocking her in is ripped away and there’s Bucky, breathing heavily on the other side, his eyes wide and fearful.

“Oh thank fuck,” Darcy breathes.

She dashes out of the alcove and throws herself into his arms, Florence hissing indignantly between them. Bucky lifts her easily, moving her away from the rubble and a bit farther down the alley so they’re not next to a building that’s probably a stiff breeze away from collapsing.

“Bucky,” she says when he sets her back on her feet, taking her face in both his hands. He still looks panicked, eyes roving over her for any sign of injury, pausing at the bloody scrapes on her arm, the rips in the knees of her pants.

“You didn’t come back,” he says roughly.

“What?”

“You were out - coffee run - you didn’t come back. Then we saw…” He can’t seem to finish, words failing him. Then he’s kissing her roughly, like he never thought he’d be able to again. She wraps her free arm around him, kissing him back just as hard because she gets it, she really does. She does the exact same thing when they come back after a battle, dirty and exhausted and a little bloodier than she’d like.

There are loud footsteps and Bucky pulls away to look, ready to pull a gun, but it’s Steve. He’s in his Captain America uniform, covered in dirt, and he looks as frantic as Bucky.

“You found her,” he says, then he’s running toward them. Bucky carefully takes Florence from Darcy and just in time, because Steve isn’t slowing down. He grabs Darcy around the waist and yanks her to him, holding her tightly.

“I’m okay,” she says, hugging him back. “I’m fine, Steve.”

It’s true, even. Sure, she’s probably going to shake and have a mild meltdown as soon as she’s home and has a chance to change and clean up, but for right now she’s okay.

Then Steve’s kissing her, and that shocks the hell out of her more than anything else. Steve isn’t embarrassed of their relationship, not at all, but he’s very private and never kisses her or Bucky when they’re out. She kisses back, obviously, because he’s her boyfriend and she loves it, but her mind is racing.

She learns later that she was in the background of a shaky cell phone video that the news was playing while they waited for more information, and Steve and Bucky had flown into a frenzy.

“We thought we lost you,” Steve murmurs against her lips, bending down to rest his forehead against hers.

Bucky steps up behind her, crowding in and holding her as best he can with a cat in one arm. Darcy keeps one arm around Steve, her other hand coming up to rest on Bucky’s arm, letting them both know she’s here and safe. Then Steve is raising his head, kissing Bucky and yeah, that’s new, too. Not the kiss, but in public. Steve, who longs to keep his private life out of the public view, has just kissed both of them in broad daylight with lots of people around.

“Steve, there are people,” Bucky says softly. He doesn’t care one bit, proud as hell about his partners, but Steve cares.

“It doesn’t matter,” Steve says, gripping both of them tightly. “I don’t care. I needed you both here and okay.”

The sound of sirens is getting closer and Darcy expects to be handed off to a paramedic while they get back to rescue duty, but she’s surprised again when Steve easily lifts her into his arms, making her squeak at the sudden movement.

“Not still on duty?” she asks.

“No,” Steve says, kissing her cheek and starting down the alley away from the crowds of people and paramedics. “The others have it handled.”

Darcy looks over Steve’s shoulder to see Bucky following them, Florence looking happy as a clam to be in his arm. There’s a news crew behind them and Darcy turns back around, not wanting to deal with that right now.

Steve and Bucky are both clingy for the rest of the day, not letting her far out of their sight. The only time Bucky is away from her for longer than ten minutes is when he brings Florence to the emergency vet. He comes back with news that Florence is a boy, not microchipped, and is very high on pain pills, his leg in a little cast. Steve halfheartedly suggests bringing him to a shelter, but Bucky and Darcy glare and it isn’t brought up again.

The next day, when cleanup is well underway, Darcy and Bucky are sitting on the couch in the living room, Florence sprawled with his head on Darcy’s thigh, the rest of his body on Bucky’s. The press conference is about to start, but she’s taking a day off so she doesn’t have to be there, and if she doesn’t, Bucky sure isn’t going. Steve had rolled his eyes at both of them, but went anyway. Such a responsible adult.

The first few questions are standard. What attacked the city? Are there any new threats on the horizon? Who’s paying for cleanup? Are there any team injuries?

Then come the questions they’ve been waiting for. Yes, Steve tells them he’s dating the woman he was photographed kissing. Yes, also Bucky. Yes, they’re all together. No, he isn’t going to be giving any more details than that.

“I’m sure the world is shocked that Captain America has not only a girlfriend but a boyfriend as well!” a reporter says, nudging for him to spill more.

“Captain America is symbol. But I’m Steve Rogers, and I’m just a man,” Steve says. “And I love my partners.”(A/N If you come to my comments just to say “queer is a slur11!1!1!”, I’m cursing you with a thousand bee stings.)

[travelforone-blog]

Slagelse

#ckringenisforthechildren

Date Location Discipline, club Result 2017-04-01 Slagelse, Denmark Landevej, CK Ringen 21/28 and about 15 dropped

Pre pre race

Waw, it's been a while since cross ... I went to Tenerife after last cross race, you know, because everyone has to go to Canary islands to cycle, right? RIGHT? Fuck that shit, one night we got so drunk we lost a friend, he never made it home, we assumed he was dead ... I guess that's what happens if 5 shots cost 5 EUR AND you get a bottle of shit champaigne on the top ... #carbloading? So ... experiencd looking for a corpse with a massive hangover in weird piss smelling corridors under bars in party alleys. He was ok, he went to an afterparty with Norwegians. Fucking Norwegians ... Never planned to touch a bike that week, would probably punch it after .... also, beer costed 1 EUR. Ah yes, I was pretty fed up with bikes by that point, I counted 15 cross races and 13 road races from last season ... I should probably write a retrospective post ... By the looks of it I spend ... 28 days racing and ... at least twice that amount training, AT LEAST ... so ... FML ... wait, I have no life ... UGHHHH Come January I hooked up with a coach and this new super system called xert which has numbers and graphs and these projected values and shit and I started training again ... Indoors, in front of a fan ... soooo muuuuuch fun I like having a coach, I lack the discipline to be my own coach ... Ola, you the MAN! So January, February, Marchuary was a combination of 3 - 5 - 5 - 1, XSS here, XSS there ... What this means is: 3-5x hard session per week, rest, contemplate dying, train, rest, can one die from exhaustion, train, hate life, train, hate bike, train, recover, cook, eat, cook, eat, eat, WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE??? Let's buy some chips ... I will totally start eating healthy when the season starts ... repeat Nothing new ... So I spend ... way more than 30 hours training in jan, feb and march ... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ In the meantime we shot a promo video for a company to earn some money for the kids in the club. See screen grab above ... we had fun ... At some point I get a VO2max and lactate threshold test, best numbers ever. I was in a shit mood tho, work got in the way that day, it got in my head, IN MY HEAD ... But then I also started riding outside, like ... well, - 130km with my cross bike in rain with dry chain lube (now THAT was funny) - 120km and 100km with my road bike - 1x lågtempo intervallen with klubben - 1x shitty attempt at solo intervals that resulted in my knee hurting and me feeling like shit for 2 days Ah yes, my knee started hurting on my bike, I guess the saddle went to shit ... Get paycheck, buy licenses (plural, this shit is real yo!), sign up for Slagelse, let the tension rise ... Shave legs, best 2 hours of the week ... Contemplate cutting hair, but after a comment from Glenn: 'Dude, I am losing mine, so you are definitelly keeping yours, I encourage long hair' I decide to keep it ... Stop by Musette and SLAM THAT STEM (thanks guys, you're the best) Avoid alcohol whole week, yeah right, stress at work, meet deadlines, amazing, have 2 beers on Thursday, friday night ... well, I had a hof after 3 alkoholfree beers, let's leave it at that ... Wait, are we doing the whole alcohol thing again this year? FUCK ...

Pre-race

Play this and read on ...

Yodh by מזמור

Samling klubben kl. 8, ahhh, the little perks of racing in C Jonte shows up all wet, got cought by rain cycling form Lund #hardcore We take a trashcan full of cans and a bag of cement out of the van and off we go, TO DENMARK! Arrive at location, wait in line to pickup numbers, Jonte is shaking because he's cold, I take my jacket and cover him His parents observing: Aaaaawwwwwww, rigtig bra vannër ... situation almost gets emotional for a second Observe some TreBerg pros just chillin on their expensive bikes, observe some other pros chill on some other expensive bikes ... fuck me I am poor .... ehhhh Marcus is coming by in D so we go and watch, the mandatory D break passes, mhm, he did not make it ... peloton comes by, he's in there HEJA MARCUS KÖR HARD ... Me and Jonte: he looks tired ... yes, he does, he was sick whole week ... how was his training this winter? ... Well, not so good ... ah, he's a student, right, so just partying and shit, girls, booze? ... Haha, no, does not drink or party at all ... WTF? ... Yeah, he just plays videogames ... Ehhhhhh Get to van, grab bike, try to register, system says I am a Junior, some dudes laugh at that, me too, hahahaha det ikke dig? neeej, det var ikke mig ... HAHAHA ... fuck me I'm old ... Eventually, things get sorted out ... Notice the registration trailer is made by Adria, #ifeelslovenia Also notice the bed inside has a sticker that says: MAX 70kg ... well, that's kinda pointless ... Warmup, lineup for start, observe Jonte has no arm warmers ... take off arm warmers ... observe Jonte has no gloves ... take off gloves ... Jonte's dad: wanna take off the shirt too? Nah, forgot to shave chest ... Observe a random Swedish cyclist from ... Jönköpings Cykelklubb ... Observe the Sagan look and the lack of interest in marshall talking ... All photos by: Tim R. Larsen

Plan

Plan before today: exchange in chasing down attacks, stay in front, don't attack unless it gets really booring Plan today: Jonte - I'm just gonna chill for the first 2 laps, me: DEATH BEFORE DNF, AARGGGHHHHHH, you're kidding Jonte, right?

Race

We start, I stay up front, good job Miha There is this huge ABC dude who is like all over the place, looking back, talking loud ... jerk, I hope you get dropped After first couple of rolling hills we enter into a big road and KANTVIND YES, I WAITED ALL FUCKING WINTER FOR THIS BRING IT OOOONN!!!!1! booom, attack, couple of riders go, I am in front of peloton, normal pace, waiting for Jonte to launch behind ... nope Pace picks up, I wait ... nope EVERYONE SPRINTING FUUUUUUUCK Chase, chase, chase ... ok, we're goood, contact regained Right turn, again, pace picks up, as we hit the first smaller climb attack, uphill, kantvid Left turn, kantvind, downhill, attacks keep coming, we're chasing, I am chasing for my fucking life here ... Jonte? Nope ... Random Swedish dude goes, for like 2 seconds ... Big road, kantvind, new break of 3 is like 15s ahead, I lead the pack, try to chase ... I tire myself out chasing and then everyone starts springintg again AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? ... well, it was painful but I got back in pack, in the back Oh, there's Jonte ... (later, the xert graphs show it was like really painful, like, lines were crossing and shit ... amazing) Final climb - kantvind, attack again UUUGHHH Start-finish straight, kantvind, attacks again ... Lap 1 done Internal evaluation of the situation: This is gonna hurt ... Lap 2 mellows down a bit, but it's still fucking crazy in kantvind Big road, we're all over the place, avoind oncoming traffic by like 2cm just to have that wheel RANDOM RANT: Hey douchebag driver, I wonder if you would be so fucking brave enforcing your right of way against an oncoming truck in your lane. Or a tank. Or a plane ... Yeah?!? ... I thought so ... fucking arrogant cunt, fuck you ... I mean there is this downhill section with kantvind, we're going all out, really ALL OUT just to keep the wheel of the guy in front ... Insane ... Jettison an empty bottle just after the finishline #feelingpro Lap 2 done Notice Random Swedish dude is dropped, so is large ABC loudmouth ... haha Internal reevaluation of the situation: Well, actually, this is manageable ... ASS CRAMP FML At some point there is an attack and Jonte joins GO JONTE ... but we all accelerate, so they're caught Lap 3 is fun, we actually form a chasing group up front, we're 5-6 cyclist chasing a group of 3 that made it at some point I even shout a bit since people stop working after a right turn Mmmm, shouting at people ... By the end of lap 3 just before the climb noone wants to really pull, so ... little break, we're looking at eachother ... NOTE: last climb is a small road, so it's important how one is positioned, so about 2km to that intersection all hell breaks loose when people want to get into right position There we are, just looking at eachother ... and BOOOM, people start going, all over the place, chasing here, there ... I do a bit of too much effort, shoft to the wrong side in the wind ... Try to catch a wheel but everyone is zooming by, no gaps, no nothing 20 like riders pass me FUUUUUCK Chasing, chasing, chasing ... ok, contact Last climb, finish straight fast pace ... I'm dead ... I definitelly burned my last match there Internal reevaFUCK THIS SHIT, FUCKING WIN IT OR DIE Death metal song plays in head ... Last lap Plan - keep things under control, stay up front, whatever happens, stay up front ... It hurts, but I stay up front I slide back a bit on the big open road and BAM, CRASH, BIKES FLYING AND THERE IS A RED TREK COMING MY WAY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII OK, AVOIDED Aftermath ... chase, chase, chase ... Internal thought: Maybe the DIE methafor was too much? Close every gap, EVERY FUCKING GAP Enter last climb, good position, all good, let's see if we can get the final attack in LEG CRAMPS I guess not ... Ease the pace, nicely get to the finish with another dropped dude

Post race

Get to the van, change, barely walk Buy a chocolate milk, cake and water with money I won at a cross race #feelingpro Look for bottle in grass, no bottle, it's gone ... Get in van, get home Foam roll, eat, have 2 beers, watch a documentary titled 'The Swedish theory of love', sleep

These help me do what I love, go pay them a visit: Musette 184 RACEDAY