#i see them talk literally everyday
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FUCK WRITING DIALOUGE FUCK WRITING BACK AND FORTH CONVERSATIONS WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING JUST BE DESCRIPTIONS AND MONOLOUGES AND INNER THOUGHTS
i am making amazing progress with my fanfic
#its morning crew it should be easy#i see them talk literally everyday#throwing myself against the wall#qsmp adjacent#bro this has been sitting in my drafts for a month#and its only 289 words#fuck this absolute bullshit#conversations are the death of me
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Spoiler: I didn't go to sleep. But I will shortly after this post
#i'm sleepy. i'm dramatic. i'm silly. i'm affectionate; maybe#I know two people will see this. maybe? One of them is Moon. Dani is the other. again. maybe#i'm just gonna#AHEMS. words for both of these people; starting with Dani#first off. Damn I didn't think I'd ever read you calling me bestie. buut once I did I must admit the widest smile showed up in my face#I consider you a best friend as well; but from how cool you are? I never thought you'd look at me and go “yeah. thas my bestie”#second off. just like Moon; I saw (and still do) you as one of my biggest inspirations. The Lav blog and your silly characters made me want#-to get to know the entire server as a whole. so yea you're part of the reason I even started my drawing blog!#and now. my Wife. Moon. Ducky. Moondydusky (/silly)#grabby hands 💥 I wanna tell you just how much I love you all over again everyday. Not sure if you'd ever get tired of It but I just wanna#you're such an important person to me. Everyday I miss talking to you and giggle if I do talk to you#really. makes me just want to have you besides me I wanna just hug you before going to sleep I wanna kiss that pretty face of yours 😭💥💥#grfggarfwgshg#wif#:AAA:#anyway I love you so much and I'm still amazed how I went from “this person is SO cool” to “i'm proud to announce this is my wife!”#aaaand the SECRET THIRD OPTION.... Points at the bee#ASH if you're here I want you to know you're an AMAZING friend and you're so supportive and so cool and I wanna be you when I grow up /sill#you're literally just a little sibling to me /silly /pos#anyWay going to sleep fr now HEHAJHD goodnight everybody!!#(to any other mutuals. if I follow you and you follow me 👁️👁️ YOU ARE SO SO AMAZING AND COOL AND I'M SO GLAD WE'RE MOOTS RAHHHH)#I think I ranted too much. erm. yeah goodnight before I edit this post again
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I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it
#House of leaves#im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go#Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious#I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections#Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it#Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything#People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in#Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join#Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger#Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad#Not seeing them everyday#I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary#I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not#Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that#Maybe I’m just not worth it.
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everytime i think about the new chapter the more and more i like it, it really consolidated yuuta and gojo's characters. the revelation of how the higher-ups were taken down and the set-up for the scene with gojo and yuuta's conversation about what their plan was for gojo's body, in case he lost, might just be the part i find most interesting. all in all, the chapter really highlights the underlying difference between the violence of oppression and the violence of resistence and revolution.
when it comes to yuuta and the archetype of his character he is the pure embodiment of love in the series. if yuuji is able to reach sukuna because he was one with him (love as oneness), yuuta's entire exitence has sorrounded love and, specifically, love as a curse. sukuna's surprise at yuuta's antics come from a place of not understanding love and therefore being unable to conceptualise that yuuta would go so far as betray his own humanity for it. he can't conceive how love can drive a person like yuuta, who's sweet and kind-hearted, to a place as cursed as this - emphasised by the sheer horror and heinosity that is seeing the usage of gojo's dead body with yuuta's innocent expression. but we know that yuuta's journey has always been marked by this concept of love as a curse, starting all the way back in jjk 0 where yuuta's unwillingness to let go of a deceased rika caused her to linger in the world in the form of a cursed spirit. one that yuuta learns to let go of by the end of the story. a lot of what he learns in that moment is about consent and mutuality in love (hence his domain expansion name), and although rika's soul passes and gets freed she is able to manifest her will into her vessel that continues to protect yuuta until this day. yuuta asking gojo for consent to use his body not only consolidates this mutual exchange and respect that he has for those he cares for - which are his main driving force - but is also exactly what separates him from someone like kenjaku, who body hops with total disregard for who they were originally. so there's that layer of irony behind yuuta having rika consume kenjaku to copy his technique and make use of it in a equally disturbing but more compassionate way. which in itself can serve to both question if intent plays a role in absolution and introduce, once again, the idea that humans and curses are not so different, as explored between mahito and yuuji in shibuya with them mirroring each other.
in regards to gojo i think his aknowledgement of his own inertia when it came to the revolution that he was leading was the cherry on top to consolidate who gojo really was as a person. gojo's greatest character flaw was arguably that he simply wasn't radical enough, allowing his students to be targets under the influence of the higher-ups. he had reasons not to kill them, as he explained before in the series, but he still failed to weight the consequences of his own actions and how no one is rewarded by working under a broken system. and i feel like having the youth he guided watching as he killed them is also quite significant as they're followers of this new revolutionary ideology.
i think the shock or impact these violent or twisted acts by the hands of those forced to survive within the status quo (like maki slaughtering her clan, gojo killing the higher-ups, yuuta taking over gojo's body) as a reaction to the violence they're subjeted to by this same system serves some purpose. and i think this is the reason the higher-ups are these anonymous faceless figures, barely-there personalities who have such a big influence in the lives of so many people. even in the real world, and we can think of systems like capitalism and how it exploits people in such a casual way and it relies on that exploration to survive, we sort of take for granted that violence coming from those institutions, having our attention driven away from the minority that's upholding these systems to other things instead. that violence is more "acceptable" because we've been conditioned to it whereas the violence in response to those acts is always met with more scrutiny. and that kind of contextualises why shoko and nanami, for example, much like gojo, aren't really revolutionary with their ideals either - or rather, do not get that priviledge. the difference being gojo was someone these higher-ups were actively afraid of, because if he wanted to, he could have done more. and that's exactly why the instant he was sealed it was the perfect opportunity for them to do whatever they could to prevent him from coming back and place new-drawn targets on the backs of the people gojo was protecting. the gruesome nature of maki slaughtering her clan or the off-putting way people react to yuuta discarding his own humanity and going against what he believes is right to make sure gojo's legacy continues is almost forcing this question of what are people willing to stomach in the name of survival and change.
gojo remembering geto in that crucial moment ("i was falling behind" or "i have to catch up") and just having in mind how they were both so young and naive is so incredibly bittersweet. geto had radical ideals, no matter how misguided. he looked at the world and he had this unshakeable conviction that things couldn't continue to be the way they were. he reached incredibly misplaced conclusions, yes, which came from a place of great pain and alienation, but gojo finally stepping forward to follow that same path, to be more radical, also sort of confirms that things could have been so different if only gojo had the same level of consciousness back then; that they could have found a way better solution together instead of the tragedy that ensued. the parallels between them add an extra layer of wistfulness to their bond, too. their fates have and always will be so intertwined, in such a beautiful and tragic way. and i think geto's unwillingness to force gojo to take a certain path will always be one of the biggest proofs of his love towards him. at the end of the day, even knowing gojo was who he was, geto always seemed to want to protect gojo's path from being stained like his.
at the core, jjk really is a story about revolution and humanity; a story about love and curses and how love is the most twisted curse of all (which has been reinforced over and over again). the fact some are rewarded and some are punished for taking certain paths under the same system is there to convey a very specific message. i really love the incorporation of eastern philosophies within the story and the role horror plays, too. the usage of the genre to deepen the impact of these themes and the way things are introduced with the intention to provoke almost visceral reactions in the readers (much like yuuta's own reaction) also makes the message much more impactful. i think this chapter was great!!!
#idk random rant because i really like 261 and my stsg heart is in shambles i adore them so much and they make me hurt so bad :')#btw people cancelling shoko and hating megumi is so silly#like idk characters aren't one dimensional and shoko much like gojo didn't seem to believe he would lose either#she can care about him and still place him in a pedestal one thing doesn't invalidate the other ashgdaj#she looked so freaking good in the chapter and people started hating her?! give her a break!!! she deals with death everyday since her#adolescence. it was also clearly not that serious?! i thought gojo's comment was lighthearted shdash#that hot woman is commiting medical malpractice and literally doing the impossible. that's so cool!!! feminism :3 let's focus on that#oky but seriously. people do care about gojo!!!#gojo himself doesn't really allow to think of himself as human not even posing the slight possibility of not getting out of it alive...#the power imbalance between him and everyone else except geto is the point#and it's why sukuna was able to have the most balanced fight with him in the first place because of the alienation power brings#can we talk about how yuuji casually asks gojo to put limitless down so he can touch him and yuuta loves gojo so much he is willing to let#go of everything to make sure he didn't die for nothing? he was not unloved. did you see everyone's proud faces cheering him on??#he's their pookie. a very annoying one but still a pookie#gojo satoru#okkotsu yuuta#jujutsu kaisen#jjk 💭
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This Year
"Gil?"
"Oh," he looked up from sweeping the floor of the shop, still wearing his suit and everything. He sniffled and swiped at his nose, "h-hey."
Thena came into the shop, letting the door drift closed behind her. She also still had on the dress she had worn to the school formal, with her white coat unbuttoned over it. "We turned around and you were gone. What happened?"
"Uh," he tried to turn around, pretending to sweep more thoroughly. He hunched around the stick of the handle, "well...remember how I was gonna ask that girl?"
"I recall."
Thena didn't really like her, but when he had asked her if he should ask, she had given him her support anyway. Thena was a good friend, like that. All their friends were.
"Well," Gil sighed, finally setting down the broom and toying with the tie that was loosened but still hanging around his neck. He must have looked so stupid, "she never showed."
"She stood you up?"
"Wait!" he rushed out, knowing that if Thena got out the shop door, she was going to run to that girl's house and throttle her with her bare hands. "I-I mean, I dunno, maybe she had something come up. Maybe...maybe she had something more important to do."
Thena walked closer to him by the front counter. She crossed her arms at him, "nothing should be more important, if she's the right person."
Gil sighed again, not done with his pity party. He still had the stupid flower he was going to give her, too. "Guess she wasn't."
Thena softened, losing the hard edges to her severe expression. Everyone always said Thena was so scary looking, and maybe he could see it if she was pissed off. But he never thought of Thena like that; she was actually really sweet and considerate.
"Then she's not worth your tears."
He sniffled again, but Thena reached up and brushed some off his cheek for him. It wasn't like he had any reason to act like a tough guy around Thena, anyway. After spending all their lives together, it wasn't like she didn't know he cried at sappy movies and videos of puppies walking for the first time.
"And if I ever see her-"
"Hey," he chuckled, grasping her hands in his before she could start naming the litany of things she would do to his failed date. "Look, it doesn't matter, okay?"
She still had a face that made it seem like it very much did.
"I mean," he shrugged, "just 'cause she talks to me in math doesn't mean she wanted to go out with me. Guess I could have thought of that before asking her, but whatever."
"Gil," Thena started and then paused. She liked to choose her words carefully. She looked at him, tilting her head because after hitting middle school he was finally taller than her. "You don't need her."
He chuckled, "thanks."
"I'm not just saying that as your friend," Thena continued. It was more words than he was used to, from her. "You are kind, and sweet, and as far as I'm concerned you are the only boy I have ever known to have any sense."
He snorted, "c'mon, what about Kingo?--or Druig? Or your own brother?"
"Certainly not," she rolled her eyes before paving over his interruption. "You are the best person I know and...and I would hate to think that you wouldn't believe me."
He did feel like the best, when she put it that way. He sighed, just staring at her under the hum of the fluorescent lights of the shop. He always thought they were kinda depressing, like in apocalypse movies, giving a weird tint to people's skin at night.
But Thena always looked so beautiful.
Thena raised on her toes, in the low heels she was wearing to match her dress. For having said that she was only going because their mother said that she had to if Ikaris went - which was a very Ajak thing to say - she certainly hadn't been lazy about her outfit.
Gil closed his eyes, smelling her perfume as she pressed her lips to his. He forgot about the broom, his arms looping around her back as she slid hers around his neck. He had never kissed a girl. He had - secretly - been hoping that tonight would be his opportunity.
This was far, far better than he could have expected.
Thena pulled away, her eyes darting around, looking at him and wondering what he was thinking. She must've let Sersi and Makkari do her makeup because her eyelashes looked darker and longer than usual. "Gil?"
He blinked, still just staring at her. He felt like he was king of the world, though! Man, kissing was way better than everyone made it seem. He had thought surely it had been overhyped, but no, definitely not.
"Gil!"
The rest of their friends also piled into the shop, also looking haphazard with ruffled hair and half buttoned coats. Sersi came charging in first, her hair bouncing around her. Ikaris slid in right behind her, looking the most frustrated. Makkari and Druig followed in after.
"Are you okay?" Sersi asked, "last I checked you were waiting for your date. Next time I go for some punch no one has seen you and Thena's gone too."
"Uh," Gil blinked, as if time had paused and now he was no longer holding - and kissing - Thena, but now Sersi was talking to him and Thena had slid three feet away. "Y-Yeah."
"Yeah?" Ikaris repeated, obviously not the one most enthused to have left the party. He looked over at his sister, though. Despite the rule that if Ikaris went, she had to go, Ikaris was still her brother (annoying and somewhat overprotective). "What?"
"What?" she asked back, even more defensively.
"What's wrong?" he asked more directly, walking closer to her as if he could smell someone expressing interest in her.
"Gil, are you okay?" Sersi asked him much more sweetly (what she saw in Ikaris, none of them would ever know).
"I'm okay," he smiled, nodding at her. The sting that had him dragging his feet all the way home and in here had faded. It almost felt totally healed, actually. "I, uh, got stood up."
"What?!"
That bitch. Makkari shook her head, although Druig was clearly in agreement with her, even if he was too much of an old soul to ever call a girl a bitch.
"Look, it's okay guys, really," Gil again tried to dissuade his much more bloodthirsty friends (Thena, Druig and Kari). "I think it might have been a misunderstanding, actually."
"You're making excuses for her," Thena pursed her lips. Although, given what just happened, maybe her distaste of his date wasn't just disapproval. He raised his eyebrows at her and she rushed to look away from him.
"I drive you all and no one can close a single car door?" Kingo huffed at them as he finally joined their little pity-party. He looked at Gil over everyone else's heads, "you good, big guy?"
Gil snuck another look at Thena, who blushed faintly. He chuckled, "yeah, I'm a lot better, now."
"Good," Kingo let it suffice. He had his moments of deep emotional understanding, always peppered in between his usual need for attention. "So, what's the plan?"
Everyone looked at everyone else, standing around in Gil's uncle's shop attached to their home.
"Uh, hey!" Gil smiled, finally tugging his tie off completely. "Gramps only ran out to get some pizza and stuff. I was just gonna lock this place up anyway. You guys can come in and...hang out, if you want."
"Party at Gil's!"
He smiled, relieved that he hadn't spoiled the night for anyone. Makkari and Druig happily linked hands and went to the fridges to pick out drinks for everyone. And he knew they would have no problem ditching the formal dance, dates or not.
Ikaris gave his sister another glare, but they were equally stubborn, so there was no way he was going to get any answers from her here and now. He let Sersi drag him away by the arm to pick out sweets.
Sersi did lean back to whisper to Thena, "I assume you went through with it."
Thena swatted her away, as well as Kingo, who gave her a look that seemed between Sersi and Ikaris' levels of knowledge. She ducked her head.
Gil swayed in her direction as their friends helped themselves to the family shop. He felt pretty confident for a guy who had been stood up on his first official date a mere hour earlier.
"You didn't have to invite us to stay," she advised him, also swaying in her hesitation to choose a direction.
He shrugged, pulling just one hand out of his suit pants pocket. "Hey, we should have some fun tonight, right?"
Maybe surprised by his optimism, she smiled. "I suppose you're right."
"Uh," he started and looked around, losing some of that confidence again. Thena just looked so pretty, it was hard to think straight. "I-I guess this is kinda lame, but..."
She stared as he pulled out the flower he had gotten from behind the front counter. "You got her a rose?"
"Well, I wanted to get something," he shrugged, snapping off the long stem like it was nothing. He chuckled, "i actually picked the white one because...it reminded me of you."
Thena let him slip the budding rose into the bun binding her hair together. She stared up at him.
"Sorry," he blushed, slipping his hands into his pockets again. "I'll pick you something more special, next time."
She smiled, visibly resisting the urge to touch it now that it was settled in her hair. She looked towards their friends, already heading towards the back door that would lead through his garage and to the house. She tugged at his sleeve faintly, "it'll be perfect."
#Thenamesh AU#poor little Gil!#but listen he's such a sweetie#he's young and impulsive!#this girl talks to him everyday in class and he goes hey you wanna go to the winter formal together?#she kinda goes............sure#he tells Thena and she's like great I am so very happy for you#Sersi and Makkari are literally dying inside#so the night comes#Ikaris is going with Sersi and Ajak tells Thena she has to go too#what's the point of having twins if she can't tie them together when she needs a night to her herself?#and she also ships Thena and Gil but whatever#Thena sees Gil waiting outside for his date but goes in with their friends#but she's watching him#the whole time#she comes out of the bathroom and boom he's gone#she goes all the way to his house#sweet baby Gil bursting into the shop crying about his stood up date#Karun is like you wait here I'll get pizza I'll get snacks I'll let you have your first sip of beer young man!#he comes back and everyone is already having a great time#he - and everyone - notice the flower in Thena's hair#and he goes my work here is done
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My friends keep teasing me recently for answering texts more promptly
“What happened to your 3 month hiatus from life?” Oh shut up 😂
#I’m trying to get better with texting but it still gives me so much anxiety#and I still much rather video chat or talk in person#honestly only my mom and one other person I always answered immediately#literally my dad sends me tons of football related messages and I don’t open them for weeks and I see him everyday XD
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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ok so man that i hooked up w like 2 weeks ago that i wanted to see for like dates: cancelled. i’m bored of him 😭😭😭
#stream#ALKSALKSALKSLAKSLAKSLA#like ok#he needs to let me know like EARLIER than 30 MINUTES BEFORE to see me#& u need to not have like#an hour SHARP to leave like i need more than an hour IF IM HOSTING !!!!! like i want ATTENTION after#+ i would’ve cleaned everything like an insane person#‘like an insane person’ u mean ‘bc ur an insane person’#anyway#i haven’t showered in days bc i’ve been compulsively cleaning until im so exhausted that i just pass out#like literally everyday#but i mean there’s no reason for me to leave the house bc u gotta clean & then i can’t have anyone HERE bc i got SHIT TO CLEAN so they don’t#DIE FROM ILLNESS & DISGUST & MY DIRT (a quarter of a piece of a small leaf that was tracked in at the door)#ALSKALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSL but ok what’s so fucking funny is that IF SOMEONE ELSE says like ‘i’m coming over at 5’ & it’s like ‘10a’ i will#LITERALLY get everything done so fucking quick like i will be SONIC & then im right there ready to go like :D#ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLA but if ive to do it for ME irs like wow this is agony im going to die i should kill myself bc ur such a wreck stupid#anyway maybe i should talk to the therapist abt this bc it does Not Seem to Be Healthy#so he will be like ‘we’re going for about 2 tomorrow :)’ at like 1p that day & i agree then he doesn’t message me until like 1 saying ‘i’ll#be free in an hour x’ like#like i sent questions to him like ‘so what do u think abt xyz’ would u do xyz like gaming or whatever u know then he answers them the whole#next day idk it’s like ur literally expecting me to drop everything to suck ur dick for 30 mins & that’s just#it ain’t it#like ALSKALSKLAKSALSLAKSLAKAS at this point i’m just going to block him next time he does that 😭😭😭#probably never going to see him again i’ve never seen him since the first time#literally i was like ‘hey i’ll be free …’ for like 1.5week & then just gave up on that bc he never was or wouldn’t respond until late like#girl …. this is BORING ur DULL u don’t even DO ANYTHING as far as i KNOW 😭😭😭😭 he’s always like ‘at work :)’ ‘watching tv :)’ ‘cooking :)’#that’s it#like …. ok
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Oh no, the bad feelings are coming back
#chronic suicidality#I guess it could be a depressive episode l? I've been sleeping like 12+ hours everyday for a bit#was it set off by this pos dude ghosting me after using me for sex? probably.#for 2 months he talked to me everyday and when i finally go to meet him he ghosts me 2 days later#i literally asked him to just tell me he wasn't interested anymore and he ignored that message#fucking coward#it wasn't even good sex it just made me miss having sex with my ex boyfriend#i should probably go back to therapy. ive been having a really hard time the past few months#i also haven't been on any psych meds in a year because i just can't afford them#the clinic here in town refuses to prescribe them again because my issues are 'way too severe' to not be seeing a psychiatrist.#that i can't afford its $100 a visit. i don't have a job. I'm disabled. due to the mental illness
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i feel like i shouldn't have to plaster "mspec/male 'lesbians' dni" all over my page but here we are
#pyro.txt#i am. tired.#i'm very open about my stances. i complain about it. a lot.#i know i do. and i'm sorry if it gets grating.#but i'm tired of it. having assholes who think they know better than you about your own identity and trying to redefine it in a way#that they find 'inclusive' and 'progressive'#while what they're pushing is an inherently transphobic label. it literally has its roots in t/e/r/f vocabulary#idk i'm sorry. especially for complaining so much on the matter.#i'm vocal about it. i have it under my 'more info' thing. and yet boundaries are still getting crossed.#and they're the ones who bitch at you for not reading their 2 mile long dni.#my misanthropy grows more and more everyday. i may be lonely but sometimes i am genuinely glad my avpd keeps me from talking to folks.#btw yes i am blocking them. i just get to complain incessantly because this is my page.#also why is it that when i block someone on mobile it only blocks them from my main? like shouldn't it be across all of them?#like if i didn't want someone interacting with one blog...why should they get to interact with all of the others?#it's just going to give me notifications i can't see and it's going to drive me insane.#why do i have to get on my computer to block these fucks specifcally from this blog
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🧸 ?
#as much as i enjoy fandom spaces#the negativity in them sometimes can just. get me so shocked#ill be just casually enjoying a series with my friends and stuff#and then ill go see hows the fandom and oh boy#the fandom#i just usually surround myself with gay friends and in everyday life the topic doesnt really come up for me#since i admittedly do not talk much to strangers#or people im not 100% sure if i can trust#but internet is something else so when im encountering homophobia in the fandom like im just#i dont know i guess i kind of forget internet isnt build just out of gay people#or at least supportive people#and the whiplash i get...#anyway this has been my rant#i should be back to posting art soon im working on comms a lot to help my friend with vet bills still!!#i have a lot of personal stuff i wanna draw this year i hope i can do it all#january literally almost done and i like#blinked
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This is your local Tech Theatre person letting you know that a lot of us really really appreciate when you come see shows we’re working on! Lots of us have friends and family brush it off since they won’t see us onstage performing, but we work hard to make the shows what they are! Ask us about our shows!! Come see them if you’re able! Maybe give us flowers if you would do the same for a friend onstage! We don’t ever get flowers or anything but I just think it would be So Cute if someone brought a techie something like that
#I have a recent ex (who’s now not a partner but still my best friend) and he was the only one who would come see my shows#But it was mostly because I would ask “when” he wanted to see them & not “if”#Because of Boyfriend Obligations#he’s still my bestfriend that I talk to everyday. but since no more Boyfriend Obligation the question changed to#“are you interested in seeing it” without the expectation that he’d be there#& now I’m trying not to cry cause he said no. & again he was The Only Person who would come see my shows. So that’s no one now.#I stage manage so I’m literally The One Running The Show. And I put so much work into each show (as comes with the territory of SMing)#But I’m offstage so people don’t care#My mom wants to see them sometimes but she’s transphobic & I use my chosen name/pronouns in playbill bio so I try to keep her away tbh#Idk man it sucks. People don’t wanna see it if you’re not seen onstage#theatre#live theatre#live theater#tech crew#techie#stage management
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misc. daily life photos again .. for the every once in a while that I collect enough over a few months to actually make a photo set out of them lol
#Not sure how to caption every photo because you can unfortunately no longer caption photos so that text appears#under them when you view them. you can only add photo descriptions (which is more about literally describing#the image for people who can't see it or etc.). I wish they had the ability to have both captions and descriptions as both are useful for#different functions but it seems they took captions away entirely so. I guess I'll have to just number every picture and then talk about th#em in the tags or soemthing?? SO.. starting from top left to right --#image 1: blackberries BUT also if you look close.. there's a tiny little bug on them lol#image 2: little water droplets on the back of a leaf that looked cool.. love anything with tiny water orbs#image 3&4: a spiky fuzzy sort of caterpillar outside on a yardwork glove.. small friend#image 5: THIS is such a bad slogan!!! what a lie!!! I personally would LOVE to have a sandwich party! in fact I would rather attend a#sandwich party than a pizza party because it would be fun to sample a wide variety of sandwich platters with all different meats and chee#& breads & ingredients & etc. !! now I just wish I could go to a cool sandwich sampling party w a full buffet of various mini sandwiches :#image 6: a chicken sandwich I made myself at home. with swiss cheese >:3#image 7&8 : HHRGH it's a CAT and also bubble tea!!! AND is pastel teal! but alas.. it was like $20 and I didnt want to pay that but now#looking back on the photos slightly regret it lol. I think it's more because it's a brand name since the cat is some popular cat like hello#kitty or something. I didn't really notice that until later lol. I was just thinking 'OMG A CAT!'. I love all cats. brand or no brand lol#image 9: my single once a year trip to the drink place that has really nice garlic noodles. this time with beef? which was good too. And#the typical drink order of pina colada smoothie (i think it's coconut pineapple and strawberry?). plain matcha bubble tea (favorite and all#I ever get from anywhere). and a strawberry smoothie thing. I also usually get a coffee bubble tea but the place is like 50% of the time ou#of coffee for some reason so. hggh.. Which I know is like everyday food for some people but. I get food from places SO rarely that it's al#ays an event to take a picture about lol. Just cooking at home 99% of the time makes those trips for fancy food more special I guess#Id rather save the money/dont have much in the 1st place .& also am still a freak who hates using apps/dislikes shit like ubereats or etc.#I would literall NEVER get food delivered to my house under any circumstance unless I was dying alone inside on hospital bed rest with no#support system and no transportation and having food delivered to me was my last possible option. otherwise. if I want something so bad#I can just leave the house to physically pick it up myself without involving a middle man to the process and paying more. .. ANYWAY ghjgjh#image 10: BOY in BOX.. playing a new boardgame and he sits inside! rip to my big beautiful son. I miss him.#UpWords is a fun game though. It's similar to scrabble except you can stack the letters? interesting#Okay. that's all the pictures! Also for the record I do think it's a good thing to have image descriptions! I wasn't complaining in the sen#e that I wish they would get rid of them and bring captions back. more just I would like to have both preferrably. I liked being able to#caption things on the occasional post like this where the layout is better suited towards it.#photo diary
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I physically cannot stop myself from oversharing on here, not even just venting, I just open my mouth and say shit, but this blog is my main and therefore attactched to other blogs that are starting to get a little traction. seriously considering making a side blog just for personal posts and returning this blog to just being of things I like and maybe talking about non personal things but idkkkkk I may be making it more complicated than they need to be
#like I dont have a reason to be this worried#just the thought of someone finding my art blog and finding this blog through that#and seeing me either live post a breakdown or talk about my meds or even just mundane everyday things. idk#also I like talking to friends but dont want to subject them to that. as soon as I make a blog JUST for personal things literally wont stop#maybe I just need to show more discipline. i already have a secret vent blog for the heavy shit like that shoulf be enough#egg talks#delete later
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real
#this is so mind numbingly exhausting i don't understand how everyone else seems to just do it?#it was such a weird day#started out in a good mood but then boss scolded these two interns cause of a mistake#and like he wasn't shouting exactly but he raised his voice and said so many things like you are so careless im suffering so many losses bc#bc of you outsiders are going to think i don't have a good team and i don't have control over my team#and how we should always note things down because we're so distracted and not serious#and how before going home everyday we should report to him what work we did today#i understand that he's being reasonable (maybe? idk) but it sounded so eerily horribly like my dad i couldn't function properly for an hour#why are men so similar everywhere#why am i SO scared i could feel the disappointment radiating off him and he wasn't even mad at me and i felt like a failure#which is so embarrassing like girl stop you are a 20 year old adult woman you will not cry at your workplace because an angry man triggered#your dad issues#and upar se there was a new intern at work one year younger than me and oh my god he was so annoying#like i talked to him first bc i pitied him like what if he felt alone it was only his second day but boy literally could not stop talking😭#like ok it's kinda cool that this senior di she trusted me enough to be like you teach him this project report this when ive only been#here for 3 weeks but bhai😭 he's so annoying 😭 i have newfound respect for the di how does she handle all 7-8 of us interns i would go#crazy and shout at everyone and tell them to leave me alone 😭 but she's so patient and kind and answers dumb questions 100 times#but she's leaving this office permanently from next month bc of her ca final :( i mean very good for her she deserves better more money#better work hours better office etc. but :(( she's leaving :((#as you can see i have both dad issues and abandonment issues so fun lol
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Has someone already complained about the new store menu because I for sure have some things to say
#how dare you#you have literally taken my house my home#ALL social media have the personal page button on the bottom right corner#ALL OF THEM#it is an intuitive user design#and you have the audacity to put their right where our cringy little internet house used to be your fucking store#the thing not even a single cell organism would want to go to#not even talking about buying your fucking shoelace’s#I do not wanna see ur cringy mercy#I would rather see the colour of the sky everyday than look at your fucking tumblr basecap#how self absorbed can u as a website get#this merch means nothing#imagine wearing a Pinterest logo on ur forehead#I’m so sad#genuinely#I liked my little house in the corner so much#tumblr store#staff#update#profile#XQXQ
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