#i see it more of a “these characters help me escape a shitty reality and i like that people acknowledge it”
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yuri-supremacy · 1 year ago
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as much as i hated everything about life when i was in middle school, the one thing that i loved was the art trades with my mutuals. i cannot describe the joy i get when i see art of my silly characters. like its genuinely not a normal response but i love it so much.
the issue: i dont talk to people online anymore, no more art trades
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hearts-4-vicky · 5 months ago
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ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ꜱᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ ✧
ahn yujin
warnings: angst , (might be shitty tho cuz ive never written angst b4..) swearing.., lots of dialogue holy shit they yap a lot, aouad au, major character death(s) , yujins a FUCKING loser, unrequited love kinda.., blood n other nasty stuff so bewareeee if you’re sensitive to that kind of stuff🫡
wc: 1.3k (woah)
hi m like sad rn so yeah yay mwah😘
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“yujin”
“yn”
the two of you found yourselves star gazing on the rooftop, using it as an escape from the cruel reality you were living in
“do you think this will ever go back to normal?”
the girl paused, not wanting to demolish any sliver of hope you had left in your bruised body
“of course i do.. why? you doubting me?”
yujin playfully pouted at you, poking at your thigh
“huh? what- no. . I trust you”
an awkward silence developed between you two
“hey” yujin started
you looked towards her, waiting for her to continue
“m sorry bout earlier. . i didnt-“
you socked her in the arm.
“HOLY SHIT what the actual FUCK.”
the girl started to complain, though it fell upon deaf ears
“dude, i told ya it was okay. i shouldve made more attention”
leaning your head on the taller’s shoulder, you rubbed the spot where she was hit. you felt yujin stiffen at the lack of space between the two of you but you chose to ignore it
“ynnie.”
“yunjinniee”
“your ankle is getting worse..”
your gaze followed where her finger pointed at, there you noticed how swollen and discolored your ankle had gotten
“pfft- s whatever! ill jus walk it off-“
BANG!
both of you searched for where the commotion was, finding a few monsters had gotten to the rooftops entrance
yujin had to act fast, each time she struggled to make a decision could mean your death.
“fuck. yn can you walk?”
“uh- y-yeah. . i think”
yujin was too in her head to hear the last thing you said before she grabbed your arm and booked it to the other entrance, she slammed open the door, not thinking about the other zombies in the school
dragging you down the stairs, she watched as 3 more of those things saw the both of you
she froze.
“yn . . i-“
“GO!”
she heard a door slam open and felt the impact of the floor against her back
“ow- fuck. wait- yn?”
yujin watched as the door stayed open, your figure on the floor
“ynnie. . cmon! those things are getting closer!”
you crawled to the door while yujin got up to shut the door after you entered
pulling you to the corner of the classroom, you both began to catch your breath, grateful that this room was empty . .
a minute passed by before yujin looked at your disheveled form, feeling guilty once again
“hey- hey um.. im so so sorry this happened, god you have cuts on your face! fuck. if only-“
you put a finger to her lips.
“ stop rambling, i should be okay by tomorrow . .”
seeing the girls pout, you gave her a quick peck on the cheek
though it didnt help at all
“im in love with you.” she confessed
“what? are you serious?” you whispered, backing away from the girl
“oh. um yeah. . sorry the timing is so shitty..”
“you think so? oh my god yujin. i already told you we cant be together like this! plus, we nearly died out there what the fuck do you mean you’re in love with me?”
“m sorry really but i couldn’t help it. . i thought i shoulda told you cause what if we do die?”
“shut up.”
“okay. yes ma’am”
“ma’am?”
“ i meant yn. .”
you heard the girls voice break with each sentence, nearly making you cry but it would alert the monsters outside
minutes passed by. you only heard the screams of other students, before they were soon turned into just another shell of the person they once were
“y-yn” yujin whispered
“yujin. .”
“. . why cant you love me as much as i love you?”
“. . . you know i can't ans-“
“you say that every single time! please, just. . just say it.”
looking at the heartbroken girl tore you apart, if only this world hadnt changed so drastically, you could be happy with yujin
“ i want to be with you yujin. really, i do but . . you know im not here anymore.”
hearing that made the taller girl shiver. her vision getting more and more blurry with each second of silence between the two,
“oh. . r-right, fuck yeah you’re right”
she brought her knees to her chest, clinging onto them as if it were her dead lover, wanting to feel the warmth of anything in her arms,
“man. . this-this really fucking sucks”
yujins voice began to break due to her realization that you really were dead. she didnt save you. she couldn’t save you. how pathetic was that? the only person she cared about dead. dead, all because she didnt think quick enough.
“ i know . . though, please know im sorry for whats going to happen”
“huh?-“
BANG!
the girl’s eyes snapped to the classroom door, through the glass she saw the face of the one she cherished most, amongst the mahogany colored blood and drool . . yujin recognized that face, how could she not? she grew to love every ‘imperfection’ you thought you had. she always thought you were the most breathtaking woman she ever laid eyes on, no flaw could ever lessen the amount of love yujin had for you
but she had failed you. she promised to keep you safe, with every part of her soul. it didnt seem to be enough . . since you here were, lunging at yujin with no thought in your head.
the remnant of sanity you had was gone, as the husk of the person you once were started clawing at yujins torso
she felt every bone in her body break into brittle pieces, making yujin open her eyes
as she gazed into your bloodshot eyes she wondered how things would’ve went if she pulled you into the room quicker.
each passing second was like hell, struggling to breathe as you had broken through her skin
coughing up the crimson liquid was loud enough to alert the other monsters to yujins location,
wanting to look at her lover’s face for the last time, she noticed a small tear slide down your dirtied face
yujin wiped it away just before a hoard of zombies decided to help finish her off
at least the both of you would be together, right?
.
.
.
a group of survivors discovered the classroom yujin had passed in, they found a letter dedicated to you
“𝓣𝓸 𝓶𝔂 𝓨𝓷
𝓔𝓪𝓬𝓱 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓘 𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓭 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓘 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝓮𝓿𝓸𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝓴𝓮𝓮𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓼𝓪𝓯𝓮 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓱𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓱𝓸𝓵𝓮. 𝓔𝓪𝓬𝓱 𝓭𝓪𝔂 . . 𝓘 𝓯𝓲𝓷𝓭 𝓶𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯 𝓯𝓪𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓪𝓵 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓶. 𝓘 𝓻𝓮𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓽 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓽𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓫𝓮𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓭, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓲𝓽 𝔀𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 𝓯𝓾𝓻𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻. 𝓘’𝓶 𝓰𝓵𝓪𝓭 𝓘 𝓱𝓪𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓸𝓹𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓾𝓷𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓽𝓸 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓼𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓷𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓭 𝓼𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓫𝓮𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓮. . 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓶𝓪𝔂 𝓼𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭 𝓼𝓽𝓾𝓹𝓲𝓭, 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓘 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔂𝓷. 𝓜𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓭 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓵𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓾𝓪𝓰𝓮𝓼 𝔀𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓵𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓿𝓮𝔂. 𝓘’𝓶 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓻𝔂 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓼 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓸 𝓼𝓾𝓬𝓱 𝓪 𝓰𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓼𝓸𝓾𝓵 𝓪𝓼 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼. . 𝓘 𝓻𝓮𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓽 𝓶𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓭 𝓲𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮 𝓫𝓾𝓽, 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮 𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓶. 𝓘 𝔀𝓲𝓼𝓱 𝔀𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓼𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓭𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓰𝓻𝓸𝔀 𝓸𝓵𝓭 𝓽𝓸𝓰𝓮𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓵𝓭 𝓲𝓼 𝓪 𝓬𝓻𝓾𝓮𝓵 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰, 𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓭𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓷𝓸𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓵 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷. 𝓨𝓷, 𝓘 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓵𝔂 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽, 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝔂 𝓼𝓸𝓾𝓵.
𝓕𝓸𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼,
𝓐𝓱𝓷 𝓨𝓾𝓳𝓲𝓷.”
pls don burn me at the stake cuz i wrote. rhrisd😞🙏
anyways.. stay safe n i love you guys so so much
- vicky 💋
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cacoetheswriting · 1 year ago
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pearl: june & july 1985
pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader word count: 4.5k chapter summary: reunions aren't always happy on the first try.
content warnings: best friends to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, adult language & mature themes, stubborn idiots in love, quite angsty, a little fluff, mentions of the upside down / blood / character death / loss of a parent, grief and grief management, emotional hurt / comfort, self-doubt / insecurities, mentions recreational drug use, use of pet names - if i missed anything, pls let me know!
pearl masterlist
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June 20, 1985 
With another failed senior year behind his belt, Eddie was feeling mighty sorry for himself.
He really banged on graduating this year so he could leave Hawkins behind forever, along with all the memories he had associated with this place.
Memories of you.
His grip on reality was slipping and this time it wasn’t because of the weed.
Yeah, he smoked the devils lettuce more over the last six months than ever before, but that’s not what had him tripping. You did, or rather the memory of you and how badly he fucked everything up before last Christmas.
Starcourt Mall had quickly become the only place in Hawkins not tainted by the memory of you.
Eddie didn’t like coming here, it was too colourful, too cheerful. On afternoons like this though, when he found himself reaching for Pearl and the scarf you left behind, Starcourt Mall was exactly where he needed to be.
Turns out that, unfortunately, the universe had other plans. Apparently it didn’t want him to escape this literal hell that’s been seeing you everywhere he went, or hearing the sweet sound of your voice in every possible surrounding. Apparently the universe didn’t want Eddie to forget you despite his desperate need to.
A belief affirmed when Eddie walked by the food court.
“Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose. Nothin', don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free.”
What the fuck— he froze in his spot, just outside Scoops Ahoy. At the end of the locale, behind the till, was the girl he'd been desperately trying to get over, and right next to you, singing his own terrible rendition of Me and Bobby McGee was fucking Steve Harrington.
Eddie's jaw clenched instinctually and his fingers balled into fists at the sight in front of him. Fury began to burn through his veins as you tilted your head back in laughter at Steve dancing around you, holding an ice-cream scooper in front of his face like a microphone.
Not only were you back in Hawkins and the metalhead somehow didn’t know, you were also hanging around Steve the Hair Harrington, singing a song deemed to be only yours and Eddie’s.
Back in December, when you two saw each other last, you gave Eddie shit for lending a tape of what you yourself declared to be the album that’s defined your friendship. Even though the underlying subject of that argument was larger than the tape in question, looking at you now, Eddie was hurt. 
Yeah, it was mostly his fault you weren’t friends anymore, he knew that. But despite his shitty behaviour towards you, this was a stab in the back 'cause you were twirling around Harrington, singing along, “Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee”, as if nothing you shared with the metalhead mattered.
Eddie observes as you playfully slapped Steve’s chest, the biggest smile gracing your features. He didn’t realise just how much he missed seeing your smile until this moment, and every fibre of his being ached because he wasn’t the reason for your happy reactions anymore.
Time seems to have come to a standstill.
He's not sure how long he's stood there shamelessly staring, but whatever spell he found himself under is broken when a group of kids runs past him. In that same moment, you disappear into the back of Scoops Ahoy and Eddie knows he doesn't have long before you return so he hurries inside — maybe Harrington can give him some answers.
“Ahoy, how can I help you today?” Steve announces excitedly when Eddie approaches, however, the playful charade is just that, a charade. The second the metalhead stop at the till, Steve leans in close and grumbles, “She doesn’t wanna see you, man. Either get some ice-cream or get lost.”
“How do you know I’m here for her?” Eddie scoffs, trying to play tough.
Harrington rolls his eyes. “Dude, you’re not fooling anyone. I freaking saw you standing out there for the last fifteen minutes, eyeing her like she’s some prize you can never win.”
The sigh that escapes Eddie's lips is defeated.
“Look man, I’m not here to cause a scene, okay? I just wanna know how long she’s been back in Hawkins.”
“And then you’ll leave?” Steve sounds sceptical but Eddie nods 'cause regardless of what the King of Hawkins may think, Eddie really wasn’t in the mood for some big confrontation.
“Okay dude, okay. Ehm… I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but she dropped out of college in early March and was back here about a month later so… guess the answer you are looking for is April.”
April. You've been at Eddie’s fingertips for the guts of three months and he didn’t have a clue. How the hell did you manage to steer clear of him for this long? Hawkins isn’t that big of a town.
“Now, are you getting a scoop or—”
“Nah man, I’m going.” Eddie mutters and shoots Steve a weak smile. “Thanks, eh… I appreciate you being honest with me. I don’t know what she told you—”
“Munson, whatever went down between the two of you is none of my business. All I know is she made it quite clear she didn’t want to see you and as her friend, I owe her to see that request through.”
Sliding his hands into the pockets of his jacket, Eddie chews down on his bottom lip.
“Yeah, I get it. See you around, Harrington.”
Dropping his head, Eddie's exit is just as quick as his entrance. He does make one more mistake though. He decides to look back at the till. Not really because he thought he’d see you again, but that’s exactly what happened. You're at Steve’s side again, only this time your attention is elsewhere.
You are looking right at Eddie, a perplexed expression on your face.
The metalhead lifts his hand and waves at you rather awkwardly. To his surprise, you do the same. The action, albeit small, is enough to ignite a glimmer of hope within the curly-haired boy. One that's quickly squashed by a feeling of resentment and he heads in the direction of the exit as you follow him with your longing gaze.
“You said you didn't wanna talk to him,” Steve defends his actions for shooing Eddie away.
“I know.”
Over the last couple of months, Steve Harrington had become your knight in shining armour.
Ever since Christmas of 1984, he’d been at your beck and call, from driving down to see you every other weekend while you were still at college, to helping you with various basic chores for your mom. 
You weren’t quite best friends, but you were inseparable. Steve made moving back to Hawkins easier. He was actually the first person you told about your decision to drop out and the boy couldn’t have been more supportive. He even came with you to convince your mom this was for the best — although, it was not like she needed much convincing because ever since your dad passed… well, she hasn’t entirely been herself.
She is a big reason why coming home was the right thing to do. Your mom needed you now more than ever and you needed her just the same.
To say you hadn’t quite come to terms with your dad’s death would be a severe understatement. Yes, you learned how to cope with the day to day, and honestly, you were on the right path to fully allow yourself to feel all the emotions you'd been somewhat suppressing, but then you found out the truth.
Back in February, you came to visit your mom for her birthday. At first, she didn’t want anything extravagant, but after bumping into Karen Wheeler at the store, your mom decided that company is perhaps exactly what she needed. “The house has been so empty since your dad’s funeral,” were her exact words.
That’s how you ended up sitting in the garden on the snow-covered patio furniture with Steve and a bunch of kids he swore he didn’t babysit.
You don’t exactly remember who let the word Demodog slip first — Steve thinks it’s Dustin because apparently that boy can never keep his mouth shut. Once you noticed the horrified look on all of their faces, you knew it was a word you weren't supposed to hear.
After much nagging and borderline blackmailing, you came to learn a lot more than you had bargained for: the Upside Down, Jane’s real identity, Eleven, along with her crazy superpowers, and most importantly, the events that transpired at Hawkins Lab in November 1984 leading to how your dad really died.
By the time you had gone back to college, the scary creatures those kids described had invaded your dreams. You weren't eating, you weren't sleeping. You basically forgot how to function. Your grades began to slip and it didn’t take long for your to realise you no longer felt a passion towards American Literature.
Although being back in Hawkins terrified you, being around your mom, seeing you smile for the first time since November, and being around Steve, cleared the dark fog that had formed within you. By the time summer had come around, you were genuinely happy again.
That feeling lasted until today.
The second your gaze landed on a leather clad frame with a set of curly brown locks, your heart stopped. A certain melancholy overcame you as his doe-eyes locked with yours. He waved awkwardly and when you lifted your hand to do the same, you realised you haven't been completely happy.
There was an Eddie shaped hole in your heart. It’s been there since your last conversation in December, if not earlier, the funeral perhaps. You just subconsciously decided not to address it.
You watch him hurry away and something inside of you snaps, or maybe it clicks into place. Either way, before Steve can do anything to stop you, you rush out of Scoops Ahoy and in the direction Eddie disappears in. 
He’s not hard to spot in the crowd. His dark attire is easily noticeable amongst all the neon of other Starcourt Mall goers. You debate calling his name, but then again you don’t really want to talk to him with so many people around. Your first conversation since December should be somewhere more private — especially since you're not sure exactly what you want to say. 
Once outside however, you're forced to make a brisk decision.
“Eddie?”
The sound of his name causes him to halt. He slowly spins on his heel and the two of you are now standing face to face, only an arms length apart, for the first time in months.
“I thought you didn’t want to see me,” his tone is surprisingly harsh, “Or did Harrington lie to me?”
“Well, I-I…” you inhale, fidgeting with your work uniform. “N-no, Steve didn’t lie. But then I saw you anyway, outside the shop, and I-I… well, I don’t know exactly.”
The metalhead is agitated. You can tell by the way he runs a hand down his face before crossing his arms across his chest.
You begin to panic.
How stupid of you to run after him like some pathetic school girl in love. How stupid of you to think even for a second you could have a normal conversation considering how badly the last one ended — “Perhaps space is exactly what we need,” the argument is now ringing in you ears, “We clearly forgot how to be there for one another.”.
“Forget it,” you mutter, “I don’t know why I followed you out here.”
You're about to walk back inside when suddenly Eddie’s hand is holding onto your forearm, preventing you from going anywhere. Your shocked gaze shifts to his grasp on you and the feeling of his skin on yours sends a shiver down your spine.
After a split-second, you nervously lift your eyes to meet his.
“Why didn’t you tell me you came home?”
There’s a sense of urgency in his question. Urgency and a hint of betrayal. You hesitate to answer as there are a number of different scenarios running laps across your mind. All you are certain of is you won’t be made to feel guilty for this decision.
“Are you forgetting you’re the one that said we needed space from each other?” You bite back, snatching your hand free from his strong grip. “I’m giving you what you asked for, Eddie. What more can you possibly want from me?”
“Your behaviour is fucking confusing!” Eddie yells, earning the two of you some rather questionable looks from other patrons of Starcourt Mall. He’s quick to notice the odd glances and composes himself briskly while taking a step towards you.
“I’m supportive, you’re agitated and then ignore me. I try to give you room to breathe, you give me shit for being a bad friend. I stand up for my own feelings, it’s wrong. I tell you what you want to hear, I agree about spending time apart, and you follow me out here only to be a bitch. I’ve done everything you wanted these last few months and you continue to give me a hard time.” Eddie exhales sharply then continues, “Okay, I get it, perhaps you were staying true to our promise by not telling me you were back in Hawkins, but if you really didn’t want to see me, why the fuck did you follow me out here?”
“You actually think time apart is what I wanted?” You ask, focusing on that part of his speech.
Eddie nods, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and your lips part slightly in shock.
“I never wanted this. I never wanted to be away from you for this long. If you took the time to read the letters I left you, you would fucking know that!” You jab your finger into his chest with all the power you can muster.
He grabs your finger, squeezing it. “I kissed you and you fucking froze me out,” he practically hisses, though the pain in his eyes betrays his angered front “And you're apparently dating Harrington now so fuck me, I guess, for thinking you felt something too.”
“This is pathetic, Eddie. I can’t believe you.”
He opens his mouth for a rebuttal, but he never gets the chance to say anything because you're both interrupted.
“There you are!” Robin hails your attention and Eddie drops his hold on you immediately. “Steve said something about finding you? Can you believe that guy? I literally just got in for my shift and he has me running around the whole mall as if he doesn’t finish work in ten minutes—” She stops, glancing between you and the metalhead.
“Everything okay?” Robin asks.
“Yeah,” you reply, perhaps a little too quickly, “We were just catching up.”
You can tell she doesn’t entirely believe you and honestly you couldn’t blame her since you and Eddie didn’t necessarily display the body language of two people having a friendly talk. But Robin doesn’t say anything to point out the stiff dynamic. Instead, she links her arm with yours and starts to slowly pull you away from the curly-haired boy.
“Is your mom still making bolognese tonight? Do you think she’d mind if I crashed your dinner? I love pasta.” Robin babbles while you shoot Eddie one last look. He dips his head, avoiding your gaze, and begins to trek in the other direction, assumingly towards his van.
Your heart is aching as you watch him go. Once again you are victims of poor communication and seriously bad timing.
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July 4, 1985
Holidays really aren’t Eddie's thing.
Even growing up he thought the Easter Bunny was dumb, Halloween just a little too childish, and the magic of Christmas purely designed for people with big happy families — something he wasn’t privy too.
That all changed when you waltzed into his life.
Eddie was quickly fascinated by how you easily made every single holiday special in some way, even the really obscure ones like National Pizza Day, or National Cat Day. By simply being yourself, you made these celebrations fun and unique.
4th of July in particular had become Eddie’s favourite.
Every year, the two of you would enjoy a barbecue at your parents house, Wayne would be invited too. Everyone would watch the firework display from the backyard, and then you and Eddie would leave to camp out by Skull Rock.
The night was usually sleepless. You’d smoke, exchange ghost stories, and fill your stomachs with junk food you had previously taken from your parents' press.
Last 4th July, Eddie almost told you he had feelings for you.
This year, you wanted nothing to do with him.
Wallowing in his own self-pity, Eddie decided to spend this 4th of July in bed. He stocked up on soda and snacks, and planned on getting so high, he would think the fireworks were aliens coming to abduct him. 
He had just about cracked his window open to allow for minimal ventilation during the night, when someone started banging on his door. Uncle Wayne enters moments later, the expression on his face is one of horror, but then also relief and Eddie's stomach twists into a knot.
“Oh thank heavens you’re here, boy.” Wayne exhales.
“Where else would I be?” Eddie questions, slowly crossing his room.
Wayne waves his hand dismissively and turns on his heel, walking away from his curly-haired nephew. A huff escapes Eddie's lips when he's forced to follow.
“Where else would I be?” He repeats.
“Doesn’t matter, kid. Just glad you’re safe.”
“Come on, Wayne. Don’t be like that.” Eddie probes, “You came running into my room as if something happened and now you just expect me to drop it?”
Uncle Wayne sighs. He’s facing his nephew now, hands on his hips. “Thought you’d be at Starcourt Mall for some reason. Glad you’re not is all.”
Eddie's brows furrow. “Starcourt Mall? What’s happening at Starcourt Mall?”
'Cause he's not at Starcourt Mall, but someone he knows, and despite everything, someone he still cares for quite deeply, most likely is. His insides fill with dread. Judging by his uncles behaviour, something bad has happened and Eddie can’t just stand here knowing he could do more, knowing he could at least try to see you.
So he doesn't waste any more time, running back to his room to throw on a pair of disheveled sneakers, before pushing past Wayne to get to the front door.
“Where are you going?”
“Starcourt Mall.”
“Eddie—”
“She could be there,” is all Eddie says. It’s all Wayne needs to hear. He throws his nephew the keys to the van and Eddie hurries outside.
The entire drive to the shopping centre, Eddie is feeling frantic. He still has no idea what happened, but his entire body is shaking. Even though you and him aren’t exactly on the best of terms, at this moment in time, you are everything to him. The mere thought of losing— no, he can’t be focused on the bad things right now.
Unfortunately, he’s right to be scared.
Chaos unfolds in front of Eddie’s eyes the closer he gets to Starcourt Mall. It seems the entire fire department has passed him on the way and as he turns the corner, he knows exactly why.
Bright orange flames engulfed the entirety of the venue. Eddie has never witnessed a fire of this extent, but he is smart enough to know the probability of someone making it out alive are quite slim. All he can do now is hope you weren't inside when the fire started. All he can do is hope he can find you amongst the crowd gathered in the parking lot, before rushing to your house just in case you’ve been there all along. Safe.
He parks the van as close as he can and sneaks under the police tape when no one is looking. There is so much going on, Eddie isn’t sure where to focus his attention. People screaming, children crying, first responders running up and down. His heart is in his throat while he looks around like a headless chicken, feeling frantic.
Suddenly, there’s an arm on his shoulder and he panics some more, thinking he got busted, though when he shifts in his spot to meet whoever has grabbed him, he feels relief.
“Dude,” Harrington drops his hold on the metalhead, “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Even under the night sky, Eddie can see the brunette boy looks rough. Judging by the red-ish bruises on his face, whatever happened to him, had nothing to do with the fire. But Eddie doesn’t care about that right now. There is only one person on his mind.
“Where is she?”
Steve knows exactly who Eddie's asking for and he’s kind enough not to put up a fight. Instead, he points in the direction of an ambulance closest to the burning mall.
-
You had never been more scared in your life.
Stories of the Upside Down had haunted you ever since you found out about the other world under Hawkins, but they had been just that, stories. Then a couple of days ago Dustin showed up at Scoops Ahoy with some Russian code and things quickly evolved from there.
You were convinced you were going to die when the Russians took you, Robin, and Steve as prisoners. You were convinced you were going to die when they chased you around the mall. You were convinced you were going to die when Billy showed up out of nowhere, followed closely by what the kids called a Mind Flayer.
Despite all of the events from the last few days, by some heavenly miracle and thanks to a lot of dumb luck, you survived.
Well, most of you.
Your eyes dart to Max. She’s resting her head on Lucas’ shoulder, patiently waiting for her mom to arrive on the scene. You swallow thickly at the memory of the young girl screaming over Billy’s lifeless body. You can feel her pain. You can feel all of their pain.
Especially Eleven’s. 
Your focus shifts to the girl that saved you all. She’s wrapped up in a police blanket, Mike and Will by her side. She seems frozen. The boys are trying to talk to her, but she’s blanking them out completely. It’s not until Joyce approaches that the young brunette displays some sort of emotion. Throwing her arms around the woman’s neck, you can see her start to cry. No girl deserves to lose her dad. Especially not the way she did. You unfortunately had that in common now.
Sliding your arms into the jacket you were given by one of the fire fighters, you stand, about to walk towards Eleven. You're thinking you can hug her. Tell her you're here for her 'cause there’s nothing that brings people closer than shared trauma. But before you can do any of that, someone steps in front of you, blocking your view.
You lift your gaze.
“Jesus Christ, I’m so glad you’re okay.” Eddie breathes.
In a flash, his arms are wrapped around your waist. You return the hug instantly, squeezing him tight while your fingertips tangle themselves in his bouncy curls. You take a moment to inhale his musky scent. The thought of why he’s here crosses your mind, but you shove past it because at the end of the day, you’re simply glad he is.
The two of you couldn’t possibly be any closer, yet you're tugging at each other’s clothes and limbs as if you were trying to become one. His ring-clad fingers are digging into your flesh while you push your body further into his chest. You can feel his heart beating against you and you're convinced he can feel yours too.
“Fuck, princess, you have no idea…” he whispers in your ear, the remainder of his sentence fading into the night. “I thought I lost you. For real.”
“I’m right here,” you murmur into his hair. You didn’t entirely feel like yourself, understandably so, but you knew in your soul Eddie needed to hear those words.
He pulls back slightly and gently cups your face in his hands. “I don’t know about you, but pretending to hate you has been absolutely exhausting.”
The admission lingers in the air between you, causing a smile to tug at your lips.
“I missed you so much, princess.”
“I missed you too, Eds.”
Corners of his mouth also tip upwards into a timid smile He proceeds to take in a deep breath, his thumbs caressing along your jawline. 
“I-I read your letters,” he admits then lets out a soft chuckle, “Actually, full transparency, I re-read them maybe fifty-six times, if not more.”
Your own smile grows wider ‘cause suddenly everything feels okay again.
“You’re bluffing.”
Eddie proceeds to lift one hand. “Cross my heart,” he says, mimicking his words.
“Those letters are all I have— had of you. I know I acted quite unfairly considering everything you were going through. I know I said some harsh things. Those letters you left me, they made me realise just how much I need you in my life and I should have told you that the last time we stood in this parking lot, if not sooner. I’m sorry, princess,” he pauses, “For everything.”
“I’m sorry too, Eddie.” You express, “I’ve been acting really selfishly since, and even at the funeral.”
But he shakes his head and intertwines his fingers with yours.
“Sweetheart, you have every damn right to be selfish. Losing someone important to you like that… Hell, if I lost you, I would probably burn this whole town to the ground in my grief.”
He grimaces and briefly looks around. “Sorry. Burn is probably the wrong choice of words in this instance, but you get my point.”
The chuckle that escapes your lips is soft.
“It’s okay, Eddie. I-I.. I’m just really glad you came, that you’re here. Suddenly this whole thing doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”
“And I’m glad you’re okay, “ he states and hugs you again, placing a delicate kiss on your crown.
The two of you stand there for a moment, embracing one another. Your hands have since moved to his back, under his black t-shirt. The feeling of his soft skin under your palms is so soothing, you almost forget where you are and the circumstances surrounding your situation.
It’s damn near perfect, hiding from the world in his embrace. And you think perhaps you love him more than before, if that’s even possible considering how much time you spent apart.
“Can I ask you one more thing?” Eddie asks, breaking the spell as well as the hug. He pulls back although his hold on you doesn’t end because he takes your hand.
“Anything.”
The metalhead nervously scratches the back of his neck.
“This is really stupid and it’s seriously not the time to be asking you this, but I just gotta know. Shit. Did you mean what you said in those letters? What you wrote about me?”
You suck in your bottom lip between your teeth. Eddie senses your apprehension because he’s quick to add, “It’s no big deal. I-I was just curious.”
Squeezing his hand, you exhale softly.
“Every word, Eds.”
Eddie fails to conceal a smile. He swings an arm around your shoulder, hand still holding your own, and as the two of you wander back towards his van, you know for sure your feelings for him have only grown stronger — despite everything that’s happened.
You love him with every fibre of your being, though that’ll continue to remain unspoken, for now.
The crossed out lines on your unsent letters being the only tangible proof.
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pearl masterlist | main masterlist
& tagging some cool people that expressed interest in this lil series: @cactusangie , @spenciesprincess , @capitanostella , @ashlynnkennedy , @ms1oftheboys
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dani-ya-dig · 3 months ago
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I just watched a really shitty movie so I’m gonna rant about how The Balance did this better when it was made by one dude voicing most of the characters.
So The Balance is a great series with where it’s at so far, but what I mainly am focusing on (as far as this little rant goes) is how Erik introduced Elliott.
Erik did a good job with introducing and endearing Elliott to the audience before the all of the events that take place in The Balance really occurred.
Which I understand seems like such a “yeah, fucking duh that’s what you should do” thing. But I watch a lot of horror movies, and obviously a lot of these horror movies have horrible things happening to the characters in these movies. But somehow these movies, some of which are made with huge teams by large production companies, fail to do this seemingly very obvious thing even half as well as A FUCKING BOYFRIEND ASMR CHANNEL.
Starting off point, Sunshine and Elliott were already best friends even before Elliott’s first audio and that was a good choice. The dynamic between them is already there, and that kind of gives off an immediate sense of familiarity with the character. Putting the listener in the position of someone close to the character already endears him because, yeah that’s our bestie!!!
And then along with this in his first two audios you learn enough about him to make him a lovable character. Just small things like him being afraid of open water, his love for the stars especially ones that people can’t see that well, having used looking at the stars as an escape from his life as a kid, him actively helping Sunshine with their nightmares when they met even if they never became friends, how despite him loving his powers he prefers to live in reality over dreams because reality is complex, and flawed, and unpredictable, and real.
My point being, that is not a lot of time between Elliott’s first introduction, and when him and Sunshine get thrown into all the cult shit. Yet still even with that little time I’ve learned enough about Elliott and who he is that the stakes feel serious when he gets put in a horrible situation, and I can actively route for him to get out of said situation.
And yes, Erik does have more time to do that given that it’s a series rather than a movie… but ONE DUDE WITH A MICROPHONE DID WHAT SO MANY PEOPLE WHO WRITE MOVIES PROFESSIONALLY SUCK BALLS AT!!
(Feeling very “TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD THIS IN A CAVE!! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!!”)
Like yes, I can watch a character going through a horrible situation and feel base empathy for them of “oh that would really suck to go through”. But if I know nothing about that character, or you don’t give me any information about this character to form an opinion off of, it’s never going to go beyond that base level empathy. I’m not going to be actively and hopefully routing for your character to get out of the situation, I’m just gonna be passively watching as things happen to them.
tl;dr
Watching horror movies sucks sometimes because ya gotta go through a bunch of bad ones to get to a good one, and redacted audio good.
Also 10 dani points to whoever can guess what movie inspired this rant
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mr-president · 1 year ago
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i think one of my favorite o’saa character moments (other than the confession booth scene ofc) is the bookstore scene bc there it becomes incredibly apparent how close-minded someone supposedly seeking enlightenment can be, especially regarding emotion/compassion
i say this bc it a) shows just how much of an sad pretentious bitch he actually is (karin LITERALLY calls him a “sad man”) and b) it serves as criticism to those in academia/scholarship in an “apply your politics/philosophies to people sort of way”
like, he criticizes a fucking bookstore as a method of “escapism,” as if the fictional world writers create is completely removed from reality, when in fact fiction and stories have always been a tool to help people understand their reality better. fiction can be raw escapism but it often helps us understand our emotions, other people/cultures, and what’s wrong with a little escapism if it even helps you a little bit? that’s not to say he’s wrong—if you want to understand the world then perhaps it is best to see it for yourself—but o’saa doesn’t consider how not everyone had the same options he did, has his willingness to abandon everything in pursuit of a greater goal.
o’saa wants so desperately to understand the world better than anyone else that he completely forgoes the fact that emotions are just as much a guiding factor in the world as any “magic”/science he studies to further his understanding of it. what he views as “reality” is just one aspect of it; yes, gods do in fact control the world and influence it, but that’s only on the most macro scale. but the mundane, arguably, affects peoples lives even more, and isn’t it worthy to understand that as well?
the confession booth scene shows that he’s capable of understanding the emotions of others, but the bookstore scene reveals that there’s a level of elitism to his beliefs and philosophy.
in other words, though he’s a genius, o’saa lacks compassion.
this can be said for a lotta the enlightened souls that we’ve seen actually—nas’hrah’s a complete bastard, valtei can suck my balls, and enki’s a bitch. only nosramus is quite friendly, and he’s also the only one to figure out true enlightenment on his own.
anyway back to o’saa and the bookstore. all of the other playable characters call him out on his bullshit because stories have the power to help people, change them, or even save them. o’saa, in his mad quest for enlightenment, hasn’t really changed as a person, has he? he himself says in his intro that ever since he left home, he hasn’t felt a genuine emotion. that allows him to see how religion manipulates masses of people, to relentlessly pursue enlightenment without worldly ties—
but the bookstore scene shows that you kinda need “worldly ties” to achieve enlightenment because as nosramus said, the world is constantly changing and enlightenment is not one sudden change. rather, it is continuous, and you have to consider everything.
and i like to think that in that moment, getting shat on by his party members about his shitty literary opinions, he maybe realized something like that.
he doesn’t have a nosramus to anchor his pretentiousness like enki did, but i think a lotta the themes of funter (fear & hunger: termina) is how relationships formulate and change people.
o’saa didn’t need nas’hrah, he needed someone to tell him that he’s a stupid pretentious little shit and to stop drawing himself as a mary sue. and then be his friend anyway and listen to his batshit insane conspiracy theories (that are true).
tldr; he’s like me when i was 11 basically.
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kick-a-long · 11 months ago
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Forgot to explain antisemitism to my husband for the hours and months and years required for an interfaith relationship before marriage,
But he believes me unconditionally. I’m lucky I picked a good one. We even talked honestly about where we would run to (and what would happen to his law license) which he usually laughs off. The difference this time? He works at a very leftist ngo and has seen the statements his colleagues have been making.
Not all Jewish/goy unions are like this. I’m very very relieved that I got lucky.
For example:
Alice Walker, deeply and unapologetically antisemitic, was not always that way. her first marriage was to a Jewish man who worked in tandem with black organizations to legally dismantle black discrimination in the south. His family hated her for not being Jewish and for being black. They were awful. But their marriage ended many years later when she became very conspicuously antisemitic and refused to listen about its history.
My own mother converted to Judaism and was FAR more observant than my Jewish father but later in life became what I would generously call “Jewish hostile” when their marriage began breaking down.
I always knew there was a possibility of me becoming more Jewish or marriage related friction causing that same kind of situation. But we’ve been married 5 years and together 13. He has spent his time, body and soul helping poor renters protect themselves from being evicted. He doesn’t have illusions about the poor being “innocent victims” or even expecting his clients to be “worthy of help.” Some of them have threatened to kill him, one spent everyday spending hours yelling at him and then got her mother to call to do the same. He doesn’t need “good” clients to help him. I know that he’s a believer that all people are capable of switching between monsters and humans but that doesn’t diminish his work to help the vulnerable. In some ways he has a more Jewish perspective on humanity than I did.
If you’re Jewish and losing friends because they were easily converted into conspiracies and antisemitism try to keep your partner in the loop without letting your anger and suspicion get between you.
If your partner is Jewish and you aren’t, remember there is no Jewish history about finding lasting safety. Believing that you (Jewish) must be kind and respectful of others culture and defending peoples rights and also that at any given moment you (Jewish to any 1/2, 1/4, 1/8, degree) will have to drop everything and RUN because the people you helped, the people you loved, want you dead, are the twin beings inside almost every Jew.
One of the reasons why you don’t see a lot of Jews attacking the character of “good” anti Zionist Jews, is we all get it. They think they can bargain their way out of antisemitism. Just like house slaves that thought they could escape being a “real” slave by fully buying into racism (and maybe getting off on the power of being the slaves elevated by slave owners for hating blackness.)
It’s a lot to ask of any person to “get” the cultural history let alone the cultural trauma they partnered into. Forgive, forget, but don’t be shocked if either of you sounds a little nuts sometimes. I sometimes go full doomsday prepper on him. And he lets peoples shitty behavior slide when I would go full flaming sword. It’s important to remember the daily reality.
Politics is NEVER as important as deep love between two people. It’s essential to remember that and remind loved ones you want to keep of that. Politics is theory and your life together is reality.
I used to like the idea of relationships as romantic and dreamy, now I thank god it’s reality. It’s hard as a rock and just as flexible sometimes. That has its cons but I’ll take every single one for the pros.
Ride or die for each other is what it means. Be ride or die and expect nothing less from any partners in your life. Ask them for it but only if you can truthfully tell them they have it from you. You can’t be the singular unique person that anyone loves if you are only your identity and vise versa.
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Addiction ( in only friends ) and how it impedes your perception of the situations you are in
Never thought I needed to write this but I have been seeing so many posts blaming ray and I wanted to get it out. Later if I have time I would write a dissertation about this topic because it's extremely important.
Disclaimer : Know that I am not absolving ray of his wrongdoings nor am I blaming his behaviour on other characters but we know the root of his behaviour but it seems like there is a lack of understanding.
All this is from my observations with people I know who have addiction so this is my personal experience and not me telling everyone how they should act or feel.
.................
Ray is a selfish person. We all know that. But so is Boston , so is mew, so is cheum. So why is ray getting the most hate. Because he is a drunkard. During ep 3 or 4 , when we saw ray at his most vulnerable , everyone was going oh poor ray. And now everyone is telling the opposite. Now I see a lot of people asking why mew and the others not taking care of him, even me. But this is why. See how easy it was for a major part of the audience to forget his addiction and completely blame ray. Now imagine if you are the one who has to deal with ray on a daily basis for two long years. It's exhausting , overwhelming and frustrating and eventually you are going to form an antipathy. My drunkard friend is not going to listen to my well intentioned warnings so why should I care. You can see it clearly in mews behaviour. Mew has given up caring.
Loved ones start giving up , because the pain the addicted one causes is too much to bear. And that is the reality of addiction. This was most clearly shown through rue from euphoria. Her mother, friends, sister cared about her but you can see the toll it creates on everyone.
Addiction is a harmful disease and one of the reason why is that it morphs the user into someone unrecognisable. Look at sober ray, his moments with sand, he's adorable, fiesty, sassy and very charming. But what he becomes when he is drunk or high is a selfish guy who doesn't care about anyone but himself.
Once again I am not blaming the entire thing on alcohol, but trying to say how that much addiction can cause one to act in ways they won't normally wont when sober.
Alcohol and drugs is ray's escape from his inner thoughts and his shitty lonely life. But he's got so dependent on it and his pain is too much that he greatly needs that buzz of happiness that alcohol and drugs gives him. He's so dependent on it that he can't be happy without it. I know that most portrayel of alcoholics have them be absolutely useless and trashed. But ray is not like that, which is even more dangerous , because he is a functional alcoholic.
And it's dangerous because it won't be clear to a lot of people about how he needs help. And more importantly it won't be clear to him about how he needs help. When ray thinks to himself all he can focus on is that he can do chores, he can talk to people normally, he can walk in a straight line, he is not an alcoholic in the way we are always shown, but he is. He is seen with drinks almost all the time, he spends the most time in a bar , he is probably walking around conscious but still drunk. And as long as he is a functional alcoholic , ray would never go or ask for help.
When you are that dependent on this , any tiny problem would have you running to escape , because the escape as an option is easy then doing the messy work of knowing when you are wrong or wronged and dealing with the emotions that come with it. We have seen ray doing it, especially when paired with mew.
When you are that dependent you don't see that you need help. To ray he is having fun, he's not miserable when he is drunk or high , when he is in that state he gets everything. So what if he is called a burden, he is still on top of the world. So when people say to him that he is an alcoholic he's confused , because he is not an alcoholic. He's having fun.
Now during ep 8 we are actually seeing him being selfish and an asshole. During ep 6 we saw him very effectively damaging his relationships. The common point between these two eps is that he is under the influence. Those are his sober thoughts but he won't say it aloud when he is sober but when he's drunk he doesn't have any inhibitions so he says everything that comes to him. Combine that with the pain of being called a burden , of unrequited love and he tries to escape from the feelings by drinking again and it forms a vicious circle. It came to a point where he lashed out and as always hurt people under the influence of something can be destructive.
I am not saying that what he did was right or the pain he caused was justifiable or should be forgiven. They shouldn't but rays feeling shouldn't be minimised too. Addiction is complex and asking for help can be a hard task. And in the case of ray I don't think he realises that he needs help. That's the problem with addicts, they don't know that the thing that's giving them happiness is the same thing that's causing them harm. Or they know but they are far too gone that they don't care.
Be it smoking , drugs or alcohol or anything else , people use it for escape but the usage becomes too much that their entire day is only fulfilled , when they get their daily dose of happiness from it. Which changes their perception to accomodate one and only one thing , the next fix, the next drink. Which is why they become selfish cause their entire world is wrapped around that bottle and everything else comes secondary.
Addiction has the potential to completely change a person. You know the person you grew up with or you know personally is somewhere inside there but what you see when they are under the influence is someone you never dreamed your loved one's can be. And it's painfull.
Another way people with addiction is dehumanised is that everyone uses them. You want a drink ? that person will always have a bottle with them, you need a fix that guy knows a person , want to have fun that person will show you a good time . I think a lot of people have heard these phrases.
For most people it's harmless fun, for the addict it's an ego boost . And it encourages them to continue that lifestyle. Which is what happened with raymew and the entire friends group in general.
They use ray but they are willfully blind to the harm that causes him. Mew was the one who wanted to try smoking, coke and party, ray never forced him, because for ray that is his happy place. Substances is the one thing that gives him happiness, he does not have the capacity to stop or think of it as wrong.
To ray , mew has finally chosen him, he is finally doing the things he loves. He's not going to stop mew from doing anything when he thinks he finally getting what he always wanted. Ands it toxic and it's not right but that's the reality of an addict.
And he should be happy about it but he isn't because he needs sand. And that is what confused him to spiral further and ignore his emotions and snort coke. Because that's the best thing he can do, run away.
Why is sand so important to ray ? I said in an another post that sands generosity is out of the ordinary. He's mature for his age in a way that makes me feel like he has known an addict before.
And ray needs that. He doesn't need enablers. he needs someone to physically stop him from taking it. Or atleast make him realise that what he is doing is dangerous. And sand is the one who's going to do it.
Thing is it's not sand's job to do it. But till ep 8 he was choosing to be that person. Saying that ray is forcing sand to do something is just taking away the agency from sand. He's not a kid. He's making his own decisions.
And if he is helping him it won't be an easy journey. If they are bringing the addiction rehab plot line into the show then I could see a scene happening that is reminiscent of the car chase scene from euphoria.
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19thperson · 6 months ago
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19th's Next Fest Impressions - Day 7
Day 0/Day 1/ Day 2/Day 3/Day 4/Day 5/Day 6
Last day, and only day where I had zero other obligations. Lets go out with a bang.
Keylocker
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In a grim cyberpunk future where music is banned, you're music. Therefore, you're banned
I wanted to like this game, but aside from the writing not landing with me, there was a key mechanical problem constantly getting in the way.
The game has a timed hits and timed defense system that's punishingly strict, and enemy damage is tuned under the assumption that you'll be getting at least partial dodges consistently. Which I wasn't. It was worse on the first try when I unknowingly chose a class that could only damage on counter.
This isn't usually a problem for me... until I realized a 2nd problem. One that's probably just restricted to the prologue since it's about escaping the anti-music jail
There's no music. Nothing to mentally time beats and inputs to.
I got frustrated and ended it early.
Tenebris Somnia
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Horror game whose main claim of interest is that it's mixing retro pixel art with high definition live action footage. In demo this was presented by solving a series of puzzles, then it cut to live action to show the monster that appeared, then you run away from the monster. There is something interesting going on beneath this. It seems to be setting up a story specifically about film. You are playing as a girl who is checking up on her shitty ex, because she's had nonstop nightmares of him being killed by The Creatures and she needs to reality check herself.
Both you and the ex are severe film buffs, both worked together on a short film. When you arrive to his apartment, it is beaten to shit, broken film trophies, his film reels in the oven burning, the poster for his short film "Devourer" shattered. While it's not stated, I'm guessing that the monster that attacks us is from said film.
Shitty ex seems to have turned to the occult both due to dissatisfaction with how his film career is going and out of being torn up about you leaving.
There's roads for this to go some really interesting places. There's also roads for this to go pretentious places. But I still wanna see.
Simulacro
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Greek art student goes out to a mysterious island recently uncovered by a massive lake's water level going down due to climate change. She's here to paint the nature. While there she discovers artifacts talking about "The true nature of reality," and at one point is overtaken by inspiration to draw the ruins she imagines would have been there in its heyday. The ruins then appear in real life.
There's a core problem with this game that feels really unfair to say considering it's a small Brazilian team's first game. It's a painting/photography game, and the main character is constantly talking about how beautiful her surroundings are. But they're writing a check that their rendering ability and art direction can't cash. I would accept the island looks kinda off if the game wasn't constantly trying to convince me otherwise. The two types of puzzles the game has in the demo are painting puzzles, find an angle where you get certain targets all in one frame, and artifact puzzles, arrange these broken pieces so that they're one again. The former is more interesting than the latter, but the system to recognize if something is "in the shot" is kinda finicky. The trailer shows more types so hopefully there's more variation in the final release. Most interesting thing about this game thematically is that it takes place in the 2080, and climate change has gotten bad bad bad. The game is selling itself as being a philosophical exploration, and ideally it seems like it's trying the difficult maneuver of "What's the point to these abstract questions when everything is dying?"
Boyscout - Patrick's Town
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Your name is Patricio and not Patrick and you are a kid who likes helping people in your town. In the demo your day is spent getting ingredients and then delivering an apple pie to your grandma for her birthday. Then in the middle of the night a UFO crashes near the town. The pixel art ranges from competent to fantastic depending on the mode (although I do not like the artist's propensity for Usopp lips.) Music is really good. Aside from the combination of aliens and idyllic towns, this is where the homier mother influence feels really noticeable. Although that specific style is not really reflected in the trailer... Writing is… they need a 2nd pass on the translation. Sentences missing a lot of punctuation, an apple pie also being referred to as an apple cake interchangeably, awkward wording throughout. It's thankfully a text lite game, not as detrimental as a visual novel or RPG with the same problems, but still a very visible roadblock.
SoulQuest
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2D DMC. 2DMC.
I will say this: they've gotten the combo game down. Chaining shit together feels good. If that was the only metric this was being judged by, the game would be exceeding all expectations.
but there are a few problems:
1) It is not just combat. There is platforming. Platforming where the hitbox of the platform seem slightly thinner than the sprite. And there's no coyote time. The game also likes to place spikes underneath you in these sections.
Did I mention checkpointing is frugal?
I'm not mad.
2) Unless I'm crazy/misreading things, your dodge roll doesn't have I-frames on startup, just during the middle of the roll. IT feels like I'm getting hit by things I shouldn't be hit by.
I'm not mad.
3) Say you got overconfident and chose hard mode, and want to change the difficulty:
turns out each difficulty is on a separate progression track so if you got to stage 3 and then decided "I've trapped myself in a bad situation" well guess what you gotta redo stages 1 and 2 again on normal to try stage 3 on normal.
I'm not mad.
Sky Oceans: Wings for Hire
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I've heard people describe this as a successor to Skies of Arcadia. I've never played that so I can't really comment on how accurate that is Plot and tone wise its a typical JRPG. You start at an Idyllic home town that might as well be a stack of firewood prepped and ready to burn. You and your friends complete your coming of age ceremony to become Pilots. Oh no here comes The Empire Alliance burning everything to the ground because your dead dad and live mom know about the void century lost history. Try to escape but mom sacrifices self to save you. There doesn't seem to be any on foot combat, all air. While there's an interesting "advantage" system I was expecting more about positioning to be there, who is on whose tail. still, early JRPG battle systems are always kinda thin, so it'll probably get more complex later. Presentation wise, I kinda wish the models emoted a bit more instead of relying solely on the character portraits. The eyes and mouths are flat textures on the face so they could theoretically be swapped out contextually. Overall if you are JRPGpilled, this'll be to your taste, and if you aren't then this won't change your mind.
Boyhood's End
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A very very very loose adaptation of Night on the Galactic Railroad, from the devs behind Needy Streamer Overdose.
In a scifi future where humanity is overseen by a massive AI program spanning the galaxy, ranking all humans and directing all activity, Giovanni Stylus is the lowest ranked, namely due to his father, who once attempted a hack said galaxy spanning AI system. He attempts to support his comatose mother by doing petty hacking jobs, such as hacking into security cameras to confirm infidelity. All while being bullied the shit out of.
When his health insurance is pulled, he takes a desperate job to infiltrate said AI system and shit goes wrong. But he is saved by Campanella, who may or may not have been the one who set the job in the first place. Now they are on the run.
Pixel art is very impressive, at least when it's on close up portraits. Also has a really nice fake PC interface for menus, alongside reading fake websites and chatlogs.
The hacking system was very simple "find password" that's basically just following story prompts, but I can see it having fun uses later.
It's now on my wishlist.
Heart of the Machine
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Going from fighting the overlord AI to being the overlord AI. I am very bad at being the overlord AI.
I half remembered the trailer and thought this was going to be mostly branching story events and stat balancing. When I got to managing and customizing units I knew I was in unfamiliar territory.
There is something interesting in this basically being a stealth 4x, with a major factor being "how aware is the world of your machinations" and individual units having different security clearances and the like. But I couldn't figure out how to effectively utilize any of that before I felt like my time was spent going other demos. I've heard good things so I assume that 4x heads will like this.
The Operator
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You play as an Operator in the not-FBI, who gives assistance to on-site agents from your computer. It's another fake-computer-terminal database mystery game, involving going through files and finding relevant information. Also aliens may or may not be involved.
Two major things of note so far:
1) Every one of these games handles their database a different way, trying to do some means of keeping the sprawl of info digestable. This one does so by just having a handful of files related to the case immediately sent to you, with the only outside help being a persons database and a car database to cross-check details, at least so far. Torn on this. On one hand it keeps things incredibly intuitive, on the other hand "pruning through fluff" feels like it should be part of the challenge.
2) Game is very intuitive on how to put in "answers" though. You're given a question and then once you figure something out you turn on answer mode and click the relevant text or image on the screen. No messing with a prompter or choosing a whole file or whatever.
Dungeons of Hinterberg
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Modern fantasy setting where monster slaying and dungeoneering has become touristy sport, like mountaineering or skiing. You play as someone who is aiming to clear all 25 of the tourist town Hinterberg's dungeons.
Gameplay is split between previously mentioned dungeoneering, exploring areas and fighting monsters, and persona-ish town stuff, buying gear and making social links.
They are genuinely skilled at beautiful dungeon design. The one in the demo was a tribute to mario galaxy with a lot of circular land masses you run around. The actual hitting things… needs more impact. It does have bayonetta timeslow on perfect dodge though.
Only got one day of town stuff so I can't really pass too much judgement there.
I am worried about "how do you squeeze pathos out of this concept if all risk has been essentially gentrified in-setting" but there is a stinger at the end of "something is rotten in hinterberg"
Has promise but not top of the list.
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literary-illuminati · 1 year ago
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Book Review 34 – Defekt by Nino Cipri
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This is the second book of Cipri’s I’ve read, and I enjoyed it significantly more than Finna. Which still isn’t falling in love with it, if I’m being honest, but I’m not at all annoyed I read this one. The overall impression is kind of like watching the kind of rough pilot to an indescribably cheesy by fun adventure serial? Up to you how harsh a discretion that seems.
The story shares a setting with Finna – as in, it’s set literally in the same story, less than a week after. It follows Derek, a special exempt employee of the suspiciously Ikea-like retail megacorp who started a few weeks before, lives in a shipping crate behind the store’s loading dock, and has no memory of ever leaving store property. After he calls in and takes his very first sick day (a coworker saw him basically collapse while assembling furniture and browbeat him into it), his extremely disappointed manager has him come in late to help the outside team with a ‘special inventory’. The outside turns out to be, well, alternate universe versions of him – variations on the same mould, all mass produced in some of the controlled alternate realities the company’s insourced its production and logistics hubs too. The ‘special inventory’ likewise turns out to be a bug hunt, hunting down and killing all the products that have mutated or come alive due to glitches in their production before they have a chance to escape or damage company property.
The plot goes more or less how you’d expect – the alternate Derek’s are a queer and quirky band of likeable misfits (one might even say a found family!), except for their leader who is a monster convinced that if he’s enough of an abusive hardass to the others corporate will see ow valuable he is. The Defekta turn out to be basically benevolent, and Derek turns out to be defective himself, with literal magic empathy and enhanced senses and an involuntary sort of broadcast telekinesis when he’s dealing with strong emotions (which sounds like literal actual hell to me, for the record).In the end the shitty direct supervisor is trapped in an alternate reality, and everyone else unionizes and holds the store hostage until the company caves to their desired reforms Happy ending for everyone!
I’m not sure if it’s intentional or just an artifact of how Cirpri came up with the idea, but the whole ‘taking place literal days after the last book’ thing very much does make it seem like either this one Midwestern store in particular or possibly the company as a whole is like 90% of the way there to spiralling into a complete metaphysical collapse and possible destroying the world. The one scene with Jules at the start of the book also honestly made me like her more than the entire previous book where she was literally the second most important character and on like every other page.
I do think the kind of absurdist corporate horror setting worked better in this book than the prequel, if only because it was a bit more restrained and picked the one aesthetic/setting to actually develop a bit. Having a little bit more edge helped too. Reagan as the polished-until-she’s-glass always upbeat and friendly corporate upper management definitely worked as a more sinister and threatening figure than absolutely anyone in Finna, at least. I do still think the corporate jargon was like 20% too over the top and obvious to really work as satire or horror and just, well, not really funny enough to work as comedy. But that’s probably just a matter of taste
Speaking of funny – I’m not sure whether the megacorp in this is transparently specifically Ikea instead of something more generic (or, like, Wallmart) – Cipri spent some shitty years working at one, maybe. But given literally everything else about the book’s politics, it is kind of surprising how many times the books go back to the ‘look, this thing’s name is a funny-looking foreign word!’ well for humour. Or, well, ‘humour’.
Derek’s whole character arc from enthusiastically brainwashed retail drone to radicalized monster-whisperer was perhaps a bit abrupt, but it worked for me overall. The rest of the inventory team were all pretty much just archtypes with character designs attached, all basically being exactly what you would expect – the only real ‘reveal’ is that Dirk the supervisor isn’t the longsuffering professional leader trying to wrangle the rest of them and get the job done, he’s just an abusive piece of shit the rest of them actively fantasize about murdering – but none of them are, like, offensive.
The themes are, look, they’re really on the nose. There’s no way around it. Derek is so repressed and out of touch with/incapable of expressing his real emotions that his throat splits open and grows a second mouth that starts psychically broadcasting them. There are multiple conversations where people just explain their characters. There’s an interstitial bit of corporate propaganda between chapters about the risks of employees being radicalized by alternate universes into union organizers shortly before the main characters force the company to give them better treatment by sitting down and threatening to hold the store hostage the night before a big product release. And so on.
Still, I honestly enjoyed the read? Very possible my expectations were just lowered enough enough by the first one that I could just take this as it was, honestly, but still. Largely insubstantial popcorn, but not popcorn I regretted spending a few hours on.
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transenbyconfessions · 2 years ago
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I really need help but have nobody to count on, specially not about this. It involves so much, and I'm so... Confused, I feel kinda lost.
I've identified as a trans man for years now, since I was around 15 years old. I was dating a straight cis guy at the time, so I did everything I could to be accepted by him. Identified as gender fluid, then nonbinary, then demiboy, before getting the courage to say I was a man. With some struggle, he did accept me. We broke up after five years of our relationship, because he couldn't accept the fact that I was aroace, neither my recent autism diagnosis, but that's beyond the point.
Recently, I started identifying as agender, but I still am out as a trans man. I haven't transitioned physically yet, no hormones or surgery, because I live with a transphobic father that is still the only person that doesn't know. I'm out at college and the place I work at, I go by a chosen, masculine name whenever I can, I try my best to dress accordingly, and my young 15 years old self would be in awe if they saw me now.
Still, I feel conflicted. I know this might sound silly, but recently I managed to get myself a new hyperfixation on the God of War Ragnarok game. Those who are neurodivergent know how special these fixations can can be. And it sparked a wave of new feelings in me, both after being depressed with no media to cheer me on and after years of feeling... Stuck, perhaps?
There's this character in the game called Freya. After seeing her, I've come to realize that I like women. After so many bad experiences dating women (not their fault, but the fault of being a young queer kid in a shitty environment), I kinda shut off my attraction to them. But now, while I still think of myself as aroace and the prospect of relationships make me cringe, I know that I would much rather date a woman than a man. That's beyond questioning.
But also, I have such a strong feeling of gender envy when I look at her. A feeling that I've literally never felt for anyone or anything else. I desperately want to look like her, and it made me so confused and scared, because... Does this mean I'm not tied to masculinity? I've fought so many years to be seen as a man, I've failed too much but kept going, and now I want to look like a woman.
I don't see myself as female, or feminine. I don't like it when people use she/her pronouns referring to me. My country's language doesn't have any gender neutral pronouns, just she or he, so that wouldn't be an option. Deep down, I just want to look like her, but I still want to be called he/him. Ideally, I would love to be seen as a genderless human, and to not be tied to pronouns or anything at all, really. But reality is something we can't escape, and the compromise, the "least bad" option, is to be seen as a man.
What the fuck am I? After all these years, am I just a woman in denial? I'm scared that, if I ever proceed to look more like that character, I would get misgendered a whole lot more, and would be throwing all my struggles in the trash. All those fights my younger self fought to get to where we are now, to cut our hair short, to be a man. I don't even like calling myself a man anymore. Like... What the fuck?
Sorry for the long confession, but I just really needed to have someone else's opinion on this. Even if it's just to say I'm being overdramatic.
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mechanical-orange · 2 years ago
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even more 1899 speculation
i can't stop thinking about this show!
spoilers below
the more i think about it the less i believe that the 2099 spaceship actually is reality
there are many anachronisms in the 1899 simulation:
the asylum being called a "mental health institute"
Maura's father's office with video monitors and a huge computer reminiscent of something from the 70s or 80s
Daniel's memory of their home which is filled with very 70s decor
and a non-diegetic anachronism: the music that plays at the end of each episode is classic rock song, the most recent one is from 1984
it's also interesting to me that the simulation goes from 1899 to 2099. What happened to 1999?
I think that reality probably lies somewhere in the 20th century
At one point during Maura's father's conversation with Elliot, he says they've been "trapped in this loop" and I can't help but wonder if that is a reference to other loops or layers within this simulation that the characters are supposed to advance through
what if this is just the world's worst escape room they've all become trapped in during a shitty corporate event???
or maybe a little more likely, at some point in the 20th century Maura designed some kind of simulation experiment/exercise and gathered volunteers (maybe people with trauma they wanted to escape? everyone on the ship with a letter seems to have suffered a terrible trauma) who then became trapped inside because they forgot who they were or why they were there in the first place
I'm thinking about Plato's Cave Allegory, namely that the 1899 ship is the shadows on the wall, and the characters are remembering something terrible and tragic that happened to them through the shadows cast by the trappings and conventions of the 19th century
if they turned around and looked at the cave entrance they might see the truth, but to look at the actual source would shatter the illusion and destroy the simulation which is probably why even in the face of obvious fuckery (no one could remember how they boarded the ship, people just jumped off the ship to their death, the ship went through a huge whirlpool and popped out in another ocean filled with empty Prometheuses) no one was willing to follow maura out of the cave (except for Eyk)
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vincent-marie · 1 year ago
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Rant Time: SUCKER PUNCH
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Okay, so I have a BIG problem with a lot of the defenses for SUCKER PUNCH.
Now, this isn't about the die-hard Zack Snyder fanboys grasping at straws for the vaguest of symbolism to "prove" that their senpai can do no wrong. (Those people get blocked on sight cuz they clearly can't have a healthy relationship with fictional media.)
No, what concerns me is when I have seen women defend it as a power fantasy. That these are feminine-dressed sex workers kicking ass & taking names.
The biggest problem I have with that argument is, in the brothel reality, these ladies ARE NOT doing sex work cuz they want to. This isn't THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. This isn't the Chicken Ranch were sex workers WANTED to make a living there & were given a modicum of respect, at least for the time period.
In SUCKER PUNCH it's human trafficking at best, & I fail to see how that can be sexually empowering in any way.
Much of why I hate this movie is that it has this underlying condescending subtext that these women have no other choice than to live through their suffering & any attempts to escape will either have them killed or lobotomized. Not helped that all the ladies have such infantilizing stripper names that you KNOW they didn't choose for themselves.
And Sweet Pea "escaping" does nothing cuz it seems to be happening in one of the non-reality realities, & only exists so the movie can have it's own version of the ambiguous spinning top at the end of INCEPTION.
I think the biggest reason folks defend this as a sexual power fantasy is because we are, in fact, STARVING for some decent, humanizing representations of sex workers. Or sex worker characters as a power fantasy that aren't written by dirty old men.
That's why I fell in love so hard with the character of Angel Dust when I discovered HAZBIN HOTEL.
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Here was a sex worker character who WANTED to get into sex work. He's not ashamed of it, he doesn't need to be rescued a la PRETTY WOMAN, & it's a profession he legit enjoys.
As demonstrated in ADDICT & the prequel comic closest thing to "rescuing" he needs is a positive support structure to help him get away from his shitty boss, not unlike how Harley Quinn needed a supportive friend in Ivy to help get away from the Joker.
And it's also why I created my own character of the succubus Velvet Ophelia. An asexual sex worker in a steady relationship with her supportive & encouraging sex-positive husband Johnny Long-Legs.
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We need more media that de-stigmatizes & normalizes sex work & NOT through the filter of cishet men trying to cater to those with the empathetic capacity of selfish, horny teenage boys.
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daisy-blooms · 2 years ago
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Google docs make me want to kill myself.
I've been trying to write a script for a comic this entire semester. I'm supposed to have a whole volume done by the end of it. So far? I've written about four to five pages. It's a story about the last human in the world. She's approached by a god of death, and told she has one chance. Her people froze her in cryostasis, and preserved her until the end of time. The second singularity is forming, an ultra-massive black hole. Eventually, all will be swallowed up by it. Her role in the universe is to rediscover the lost arts of pseudo-alchemy and induce a premature big-bang. This would launch the creation of a second universe. After this, she is meant to clone all manner of life she preserved. By doing this, she will accomplish her goal: to defeat time, the final enemy of humanity. On this adventure she'll encounter alien races built for survival with little to no stimulation. Most species in this story are likened to the animals at the deepest depths of our oceans.
I'm calling the story The Darkest Age. Because that's what it is. As for aesthetic, it's future-medieval. Similar to Hyper Light Drifter, Dune, or Poptropica's Astro-Knights Island. I'm using a lot of corny-ass naming conventions to imply story ideas. The main character is a woman named Joan Dark (Joan of Arc). There's also a lot of religious commentary with a cult that worships the coming end of the universe (alluding to the rapture and general Christianity). The god she meets is not a god, but a creature called an Elemiri (Mirror of El). All of the universe's I write have a being called a primal at the center of them. This universe is a part of Universe 'B', which is overseen by Gro-El. "Gro" is her family of thought's name (Primals group based on vibe, not by kin). The Elemiri is called the Traveler, he basically looks like a homeless kid with a mask. His role in our universe is to oversee life and make sure all species that come to be get a fair chance at survival. Which is why he is inclined to assist Joan. In the makeshift Joan of Arc allegory the Traveler would be the archangel Michael. So they aren't really gods, more so just a species of very powerful and ancient aliens.
I have been writing this story for months now, and I feel like any time I open the google doc for it I'm either going to explode or hit 'ctrl+a', followed by 'del'. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I feel useless, like a waste of space. I can't bring myself to do anything for any of my classes because honestly, I do not care anymore. The whole world could go to hell for all I care. It all sucks, it's all useless, and I'm just a cog in that machine. I'm just a depressed person with a keyboard that hasn't been kicked to the curb yet. It's annoying as hell. I hate feeling like this. All I want in life is to have meaning again. But I just cannot convince myself that anything I do is worth doing. So at the end of the day, why do anything at all? Why live when dying is so easy? Why die when living is so rare? It's a split in opinion. It's all bullshit and so is everything. I am very clearly not well. But I've become so good at masking it that I keep forgetting. I push myself into escapism. I push myself into the mind of people I create and write their names into a google doc. If that's not what being a writer is, I don't know what is.
I have no purpose in life outside of simply wanting to. That is not a good reason to keep living. But I have to live, if not for myself now, for myself when I was a kid. All she would have wanted was to see me write these names and tell there stories. I don't think I have a choice. But maybe I do have a purpose. Maybe writing silly works of fiction to help people escape this shitty reality we were forced into is my point.
This post got a little away from what I wanted to say initially. I am not going to erase what I wrote. For the same reason that I draw with pen. Sometimes we shouldn't be able to take back what we say. Some things need to be said. Maybe not for the purpose of being heard. But instead maybe just to say something. I'm going to take my daily vitamin now. Then, I'm going to get a notebook. If I can't stand looking at a google doc, I'll write this fucking story with a pen. Because I don't want to delete it. I want to say it, and I want it to be heard. Thank you for reading this, if you did. I'm going to keep trying.
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khizuo · 2 years ago
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I think there’s a lot more nuance to your f1nn5ter take that’s missing simply because it doesn’t really take into account… how and why people use tumblr?
most people don’t use tumblr to try and advance queer liberation or promote social justice and mutual aid…. they use it for entertainment first and foremost. they want to post/see things that they enjoy, instead of focusing solely on real life issues. hell, tumblr can also be an ‘escape’ of sorts from the shitty reality around them (or that they personally experience)
so they just… don’t want to make their entire feed about those real life struggles, and doom posts about those trying to kill and erase them, and people asking for help to escape their shitty lives. it’s distressing and sad and not what they come to tumblr for. instead they focus on things that are more simple and lighthearted and positive, like a popular gnc streamer.
the point I’m trying to make here is that…. I don’t think you can accurately judge someone’s moral beliefs or actions based on their posting/reblogging habits, because for them this isn’t the moral beliefs website— that’s not what they’re here for. It might be for you, and that’s okay! but that’s not how it is for, id argue, the majority of users. they want a safe space away from that and i don’t think pressuring or shaming bloggers for doing that (/for not posting about [X] issue) is going to help anyone.
hi anon! if anyone out there following me uses tumblr as an escapism site™, then good for you. i'm commenting less on the moral character of individual people as i am on a general culture i've observed on the site as a whole. and the fact is: posts about how "revolutionary" f1nnster are get tens of thousands of notes while trans crowdfund posts struggle to get to a thousand.
the thing is — very few people on tumblr are completely removed from the reality of queer oppression. posts on the topic are frequently reblogged, because such a large part of the userbase is lgbtq. this is why f1nn is so popular on tumblr rn — people are upholding him as a shining example of gender-noncomformity. the problem comes when people (mostly tme queer people) start legitimately calling him more "revolutionary" than trans women because he's "challenging gender norms" or something. this completely ignores context — f1nnster is a popular wealthy white streamer, while transfemme folks often face disproportionate levels of violence and poverty, often as a direct result of coming out.
a lot of tumblr activism is performative. i'm not saying this in a "this makes xyz a bad person" kind of way, what i mean is that posts about social justice and hating capitalism and shit will blow up with the people reblogging them doing nothing to actually build material solidarity, which, yes, involves mutual aid and uplifting marginalized voices. now, i don't know everyone on tumblr, so I'm sure there are people who do mutual aid/organizing work offline and then come on here to exclusively fandompost. but i'm also sure there are people who don't do any mutual aid/organizing work and who then come on here to reblog a few social justice-y posts and then never think about concrete actions to take to actually live up to that which they say they care about. and these are very often the same people who will reblog a post about how "revolutionary" f1nnster is.
I know of plenty of people on tumblr who could participate in mutual aid but don't. this popular tumblr idea that crowdfunding posts are evil or whatever needs to die. it screams of liberalism and a "not my problem" attitude that is actively harmful towards goals of liberation. my complaints are about the performative leftism that I observe a lot on here, and how this culture of performative leftism has chosen f1nnster to uplift as its newest hero. and honestly, I'm more worried about trans poc and multi-marginalized folks who are struggling to get their basic needs met than i am of white and/or class-privileged queer people feeling bad about their escapism site™.
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probablyaseamonster · 6 months ago
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Hey just saw you recent post....are you okay?
I hope you don't mind me extending this to also mean me going radio silent for weeks and then spam-reblogging seemingly unrelated fandom shit, emphasis on the seemingly *
No I'm fucking not :)
*TW vent posting, might make you feel guilty but trying so hard not to provoke that reaction in you
[I need you to know that there's a gun emoji beside that happy face, and it's not for suicide btw. Literally the most important thing ever to me, I am living in a Fear Domain lol]
which if anyone cares wtf I do on this site you'd know that's not in character for me, not bitter at all. Reality is other people being too busy to see you and always having to be aware that everyone else's reasons are so valid and important and you need to stop interrupting that with your cries for help because you're making those unable to help you feel guilty
Also if this is the first thing you see of me and you get the impression that I'm a fake-positivity kinda person and can relate to the tons of protagonist characters who relate to Happy Face, that is literally the opposite of me. I'm always a swirl of bad vibes (according to my sister, one of several bully forces in my life) I only used the smile emoji for the first time today 'cause angry emojis are cringe and sad emojis are tiring and I've never once even tried to fake hapiness but by now it is borderline life threatening and I'm not allowed to relate to people in a dystopia because that implies I live in a dystopia and those who uphold the system can't have that, hence the legal murder)
Also btw I am also living out that one episode of OK:KO right now, with Dendy hiding in a dark room with the last remaining shitty technology. Which is also cringe to talk about. It's making fuzzy noises and I'm bracing for a crash. Suspiciously convenient, esp since my occasional "bedtime" is 10:00. I am 20 years old.
Anyway thanks for being the one person to ask how I'm doing *. It's extremely healing, after being what feels like emotionally/mentally version of touch-starved for most of my life with several escape attempts gone poorly. Sorry about the bad vibes.*
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[tumblr formatting is annoying.]
Maybe I should take responsibility on that, this is the one sight I didn't cry for help on more posts than fun, I'm aalways saying "expecting people to sympathize with you and then refusing to show any signs of valnurability or relatability or that you've suffered in any way because apparently I need to learn privacy would make me just like my sister. We have zero sibling love."
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just-some-random-blogger · 2 years ago
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I never stop day dreaming, and I fundamentally live in my head, my imagination has never melded into my reality. I know what is real and not.
Are you me? Yes yes yes, yes to every word you said. Yes to day dreaming. One should never blur the reality they are living in, I agree. But I think most of us are just exhausted living beings trying to navigate through shitty lives, and we should allow ourselves to seek comfort in that little safe space in our head to heal after mentally exhausting ourselves during the day.
I think, when you love a fictional character, they are with you. Their life only ever exists through those who know of them. Again, it should never be scary though. ):
This almost made me cry. I love every single one of my fictional characters. Living in this shitty world sucks, I need my fictional character stay by my side. Everyone could use some healthy amount of escapism, and I personally don’t like some else tell me what I should do, they don’t know me, maybe they should restrain themselves from casually giving me advice. However I understand what that anon meant, if they feel like it’s become a serious issue for them, they should seek help and cut back their time spending on the site. Moderation is key.
HI NONNIE. HAHAHAHAH the hive mind is real HAHAHAH. you are me, i am you, we are one.
i was excited to see a response to that post cos i thought you were the anon i replied to. alas it appears you are not. but that's fine. that's great! we're now having a dialogue on the interwebs, just as the greeks intended 😌
Very truly i say we really are just exhausted zombies tryna navigate this unfortunately post-apocalyptic reality. I wanted to quote this Argentine writer that I learned about in high school. I think his name was Jorge Luis Borges, but askfg;aksgf I can't say for sure cause I don't remember him nor the essay. I do remember a striking part of the essay though that uses hemoglobin as an analogy... or was it cancer T_T I EVEN PULLED UP MY OLD LIT BOOK FOR THIS BUT I THINK MY LIT TEACHER DISCUSSED THAT AS ADDITIONAL MATERIAL AND AALSFHASFLAHSF. the point is, that essay talks about how fiction is important because it's like the life behind the eyes of a dead city ya know....
ok tbh i dont remember that shit enough to quote it BUT IN A VIDEO IN ANOTHER LIT CLASS I HAD MORE RECENTLY IN COLLEGE, it was talked about how fiction is important because we can navigate a lot of different and complex things within the safety of the pages it is bound upon. i couldn't find the video T_T and i know this isn't explicitly said or how its explained, but its like we can witness a cold blooded murder and perhaps feel for the perpetrator more than the victim, due to the circumstances presented and the perspective we're shown. it's not to say in any way shape or form that murder is OK, but again, that realm was explored in a way that didn't actually harm anyone.
i hope i'm making sense and this isn't just extremely macabre.
I used to not understand the fun of reading when i was a kid, i used to think my classmates that liked reading were faking it (cos i was). reading = studying and school SUCKS/IS BORING/ETC but then i discovered ✨fiction✨ and more importantly ✨fan fiction✨ and now i will die on the hill that is: everyone in the whole entire world loves to read it's just a matter of finding content they like.
anyway the part where you said you don't like being told what to do HAHAHAHH you like me FR FR HAHAH. the inner childish gremlin in me reacted first to that message with 'LOL' 'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' 'DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO' 'WATCH ME DO IT ANYWAY' but i thank God everyday that my childish gremlin mind is not the pilot of my brain cos that would be so embarrassing. imagine being an internet troll 💀💀💀. for such a long time, i wanted to be one of those really sharp tongued, quick witted people on the internet that would give dry responses cos it's cool. i cannot for the life of me find it in me to contribute to that though because in my heart of hearts, i don't believe people are mean and i especially dont think anyone will come out of their way to my inbox just to be mean to me. i am glad to say it's not happened, nor will it ever 😌😌. huzzah, cynicism has not made me a stale cinnamon roll yet.
moderation is definitely important, but if you don't know how to gauge yourself and you are in genuine need of help, that won't do much, i think. yes reading is therapeutic but it is not replacement for the guidance of someone who has spent years studying how to help people in that manner. sometimes all it takes is just guidance of someone out there who cares. <3
needless to say i am surprised someone who wasn't that nonnie read my answer, which further just proves my point that someone cares. <3
....omg nonnie i think you love me 😍😍😍😍😍😍
cheers to going against the grain, lovie
xxx
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