#i say this as a gullible person i'm giving this red flag of a personality trait to bert

[shadowwolfmemes]

Hey, if it isn't too much of a bother can you explain the how rainbow drama? I heard you had to block her? if anything this vaguely reminds me of the Haily situation where she got mad at you, don't wanna bring that up tho I'm just confused

Look, I said it multiple times and it's frankly getting tedious to repeat. I'm tired of people downplaying my feelings by saying I'm 'overreacting' yet I'M the apathetic one. This is starting to piss me off.

IT WAS MORE THAN JUST RAINBOW LYING ABOUT HER AGE.

That wasn't the sole reason I blocked her! I mean, yeah, it's absurd to lie about age just to fit in, but the root goes deeper than that.

Sundecline was in her community and so were a few other minors like @scally-wiggles716. She kept on saying her community is full of adults, but there were still minors inside of it. I knew something wasn't right, but I kept my mouth shut because I was still her loyal guard dog. If that isn't a red flag, then I don't know what is.

They were removed from the community specifically after proshippers tried to shit on Rainbow's name.

I don't agree that she's a groomer, I know that's not true. But that's not what I was upset about.

It seems like this person is trying to shit on Rainbow, but what they're saying is actually true. She DID go after people when she didn't have to. Rainbow shamelessly disregarded her DNI to argue with proshippers, which not gonna lie, is pretty hypocritical.

I know I disregarded my own DNI a few times, but I'm trying not to do that anymore because it's not doing me any favors. I got to admit I'm not proud of that and told myself I should NOT go down that path or else I'm a hypocrite.

Meanwhile, Rainbow does it for the sake of arguing. I tried giving her advice more than once so that her mental health doesn't get damaged even more, but it never worked. Rainbow herself admitted to being reckless.

Not only that, she put @altlololsstuff on blast because she accused them of being a proshipper. I don't know what led up to Rainbow doing that in the first place. When they tried to talk to her in the DM's about it, she screenshotted them to not only ridicule them, but twisted the narrative to make herself look like the hero with her mighty savior complex.

When I was still Rainbow's guard dog, I thought it was okay to make fun of them because I was blinded from loyalty and believed everything Rainbow said. It's like I was a puppet attached to strings, no thought of my own.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Take a good look at this screenshot.

[If you want more context, you can ask them, but don't be rude towards them.]

With that being said, I'm fucking tired, Dani. I want to move on already. I tried moving on, but people like forgotten-latte just had to bring it back.

She could've just asked like you did, but no, she doubled down and called me apathetic after ignoring EVERYTHING I covered in my post. She tried to do that with Sundecline and she did it to @syltheanti.

I guess she realized I'm no longer Rainbow's gullible guard dog, so I'm assuming she wanted to take that place willingly. When will she realize that she cannot force people to forgive Rainbow just like that? Unfortunately for her, it doesn't work that way. You don't just demand respect how you want and whenever you want.

Just like loyalty, it has to be earned. I don't give a rat's rotting ass how old someone is or how mistreated they are. I would definitely feel bad if I hurt Rainbow deeply, but we both know she did this to herself.

Of course, she makes mistakes like everyone else does.

Of course, mistakes make up for who we are.

Of course, I want her to learn and grow as a person.

This is just the consequence of repeating those same mistakes. Now I obviously don't agree with people harassing Rainbow for anything, she's still a human being behind the screen.

Just because I want nothing to do with her anymore doesn't mean I want her to get bullied into oblivion.

I know this is a long ass rant, but I really need to blow this frustration off. If you still think I shouldn't have blocked Rainbow for those reasons, block me if you want. I don't fucking care anymore.

Just please stop assuming I 'overreacted' over that...

[skynapple]

Someone at work pissed me off

Let me just say I already don't like this person

I was warned by my manager to kind of avoid him when I first started and I started to see why. Just all kinds of little things that I don't like about him or his morals. I was also warned that he's sensitive (by several people).

So it was just my luck that I'm alone with him on the office wrapping up work and I can't help it I can't stand the silence and I just decide to ask something innocent and lighthearted because he gets sensitive if I don't at least acknowledge his presence (and at this point in the day I hadn't)

"Go anywhere fun today?" With a smile cause he's a service tech and often drives around, sometimes far places.

The man proceeded to say no, because he's been asked not to. This immediately queues me in that he was "talked to" by management lately and I can feel impending dread.

Like what do I say to that? That's rough buddy? I do not want the tea and if he was asked not to do travel right now it's probably for a reason that I don't care to hear about.

But he begins to immediately unravel into

"Do you remember when I got shot in the eye?"

And I'm used to him trying to mess with me. (Facetious all the time. I never know what to believe with him. AND In person I'm quite gullible). Plus- I'm looking right at his face- I imagine if he actually got shot by a bullet in the eye I should have heard about it- whatever my red "don't fall for it" flags are going off and I try to hide my incredulous expression and fail miserably.

"There's nothing funny about this!" He says and I still can't actually tell because he's got 😏 <- THIS EXPRESSION.

But! Then he reminds me of the Christmas party and suddenly I remember. Our manager -who also happens to be H.R.- accidentally shot him in the eye with a nerf gun. A little foam "bullet" thing in a children's toy gun. Not at all dangerous but he happened to be in the line of fire.

Then he's proceeding to say how now he's going through workers comp and how he can't drive and all his health issues that are preventing him from healing and how all this time he's been holding it in because he didn't want to say anything, so he finally did, but he was asked not to work until his doctor clears him for driving.

On one hand, yes, it's too bad that happened.

But again- I have several reasons not to necessarily let out all my sympathy for this guy.

One) He's a womanizer, and has proudly and openly admitted to having several girlfriends who don't know about each other.

Two) He's sensitive, he's very much a "dishes a lot but can't take it", and has made it clear he can't take a joke. I'm pretty lighthearted in person, I also grew up with humor and remarks being a big part of my personality. One time I made a joke when something was broken in the office that he should fix it (because he's the service tech! get it!) and he actually went to HR to complain about me for saying that.

Three) I knew by his tone he was trying to twist things about our manager to me. Saying things like she was aiming at him on purpose. Like,,, yes, of course she was a bit foolish for aiming at his head. That mistake could have been avoided. But when I said, "I'm sure she wasn't aiming at your eye on purpose" he started to get fussy and heated because I obviously wasn't giving him enough sympathy.

Three Continued) He kept saying "you don't get it she doesn't care about me" "you haven't been here long enough" "she never offered to get medical attention for me :( i had to do everything myself" what is she, your MOM? You're a grown man! Yeah you're supposed to go get the paperwork and figure out how to get help if you feel you've been hurt! IT WAS A NERF GUN.

I accidentally said it twice, "I'm sure she didn't mean it! We were all having fun that day!" And he got BIG MAD like "you don't know what you're talking about! Fun? I got shot in the eye!? Is that fun!!?"

I had to literally start going back to work on my computer and Im SURE Im going to hear about it for "ignoring him" when he was trying to open up (I wasn't, I literally kept saying stuff like "Ah that's too bad. I hope your doctor can help you out and that the process goes smoothly! I hope you make a full recovery!!) Like literally I went into "cheering on my little nephew" mode without giving him too much sympathy or babying (kept my tone mostly even) because - absolutely not.

I will not become the person he feels comfortable with speaking against my manager to, I will not become his little office friend, I'm not going to go out of my way to ask him about his day anymore because no way. He already makes me uncomfies like. No, I'm not going to baby you over your eye "injury" when you TOLD me your doctor told you it was fine. (Then watched him try to backtrack and say "actually I might go blind forever because when I was little-") I'M SORRY BUT NOT FOR YOU IM SORRY I ASKED. GO CRY ABOUT IT TO YOUR TWO OR THREE GIRLFRIENDS I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.

[nana-mania]

pls can you do a part 2 for the red flags of bllk characters!! it was so good!

࿐*ೃ sure!! i actually plan to do for more characters in part 3 so characters suggestion is highly encouraged! (4 CHARACTERS MAXIMUM)

“HIS RED FLAGS” - PART 2 - what does he do that make him an obvious red flag?

╰┈➤: ̗̀➛ headcanon

࿐*ೃ feat : reo mikage, seishiro nagi, oliver aiku, rin itoshi

࿐*ೃ fandom : blue lock

࿐*ೃ extra : gn! reader, angst.

࿐*ೃ trigger warning : cheating, manipulation, profanities, toxic relationship.

REO MIKAGE

╰┈➤: ̗̀➛ Reo would be the best, most perfect partner ever if only he believes that not everything can be resolved through his wealth. He loves you, he does but you're never his priority. All he cares about is his football career. He barely has time for you, often spending time with Seishiro to practice soccer together until dusk nearly everyday. When you tell him about your worries, you expect him to take action and finally considers to mend the relationship again. But he never. He just gives you tons of money and tells you to have fun by yourself to cheer you up. When you insist him to spend quality time with you, he harshly rejects you by saying he is busy. Indeed, he is busy. He is busy being Seishiro's servant and prioritizing his happiness more than yours.

“Sorry, Y/n. Not today. I have practice.”

“I told you, I don't have the leisure time to play around. I need to practice soccer!”

“Just take this money and enjoy yourself. Leave me alone and never speak about this matter ever again.”

SEISHIRO NAGI

╰┈➤: ̗̀➛ Seishiro...is lazy, in general and in all ways. Relationship is a hassle for him to handle due to his lazy nature. He never make an effort to spice up nor mending his relationship with you. If it happens, it happens. That's his motto, one that he never fail to hold onto. Seishiro basically doesn't even care about you let alone your feelings for him in the slightest bit. He is solely using your vulnerability to his advantage. In all honesty, he only engages in relationship with you because he thinks you would be useful to assist him with his daily needs. You're a gullible person who simply follows all his orders like a servant, only thinking you only do this out of love and casting aside the fact you're being manipulated by your own boyfriend. He asks for breakfast? You make one for him. He tells you to wash all his clothes while he play games? You gladly do so. This goes on for a while until you realize how wrong this is and confronts Seishiro about it. The result, he never give a flying fuck. Instead, Seishiro manipulates you into thinking this is your own fault and makes you feel much worse.

“So...what's your point actually? You're blaming me over your own stupidity?”

“You're really dumb, Y/n. So dumb that it took you this long to notice.”

“Apologize? I never do anything wrong. It isn't like I hit you or anything.”

OLIVER AIKU

╰┈➤: ̗̀➛ We all know what this man is capable of; cheating. From the start of the relationship, he has dropped countless obvious hints. During date, you will always find his eyes lingering on other people as he “admires” them with a lustful smirk on his face. When you confront him, Oliver just brushes it off and says you're overreacting. It doesn't matter how many times you scold him, he will repeat his doing. And as time passes, he straightout flirts with anyone that catches his interest right in front of you. Daring to even exchange number while his lips curves into a seductive smirk. He barely has time for you and frequently leaving the house to have fun with his “friends”, which turns out to be his secret lover, one that he has been cheating on you with for a long time.

“Jeez, you're overreacting too much. I'm just being nice to them.”

“What's wrong with getting their number? You know me, I like making new friends!”

“Come on...can you just be open-minded and let me do anything I want? I can date anyone I want besides you. You have no control over my life.”

RIN ITOSHI

╰┈➤: ̗̀➛ You and Rin were like dream lovers, perfect for each other and completed each other's heart. That's it, until the dispute between Rin and his older brother happened that drastically changed him...and his relationship with you. Rin is not as sweet and as caring he used to be, solely focusing on his goal to surpass and beat his older brother in their unhealthy rivalry. He has become more distant and acts colder toward you. There is no spark of joy in the relationship anymore, with Rin drifting apart from you and you hurting from his cold-hearted treatment. You try to be there for him, supporting him in his journey to be the best striker to prove to his older brother but your efforts are often overlooked and left unappreciated by Rin. In fact, he sees you as a nuisance rather than his biggest supporter.

“I don't have time for you. Screw off, (Y/n).”

“You interrupted my practice to tell me to fucking rest? Are you telling me to laze around?”

“From now on, stop visiting me during practice. You are a fucking nuisance.”

࿐*ೃ thanks for reading this headcanon! likes and reblogs are deeply appreciated ♡

[animeomegas]

Hello! I have a request how do you think the Naruto gang ( you may choose who!) reacts to their pup bringing or introducing a potential mate!?

(Hey, hey!! I've chosen some boys to write this for, enjoy! <3)

Naruto: He's so happy! His pup has someone to love and to love them! His family might be gaining a member soon!! He makes sure to take the evening off to meet them properly and he asks his mate to prepare a dinner at home so they can get to know his pup's soon to be mate. He absolutely brings up their wedding (even if they aren't engaged) and if he knows his pup wants their own pups, he'll bring that up too. Naruto makes things so awkward but he's smiling so genuinely the whole time that it's not too bad for the pup's mate.

Sasuke: Ultimately, it doesn't really matter who his pup's soon to be mate is, Sasuke will spend the whole meeting extremely uncomfortable and cold. Sasuke doesn't like having strangers in his home, and he doesn't like the idea that his pup might introduce a new family member. It took Sasuke a long time to be comfortable with his own alpha and pup, so this new stranger really makes him uncomfortable. Sasuke is very gullible when it comes to his own pup, so if his pup really likes their soon to be mate, Sasuke will probably trust them as long as there's no glaring red flags, but the soon to be mate with be sure that Sasuke hates them. He just spends the whole night silently eating and being cold lmao.

(On a side note, Sasuke is so gullible with his pup lmao. He's like if you want some dessert, you need to finish your homework and wash your hands. And then his pup is like, I finished my homework during lunch break and I just washed my hands 😇 And Sasuke is like, good child, have some dessert, you've earnt it, I raised you well 😌)

Shikamaru: He finds it so much fun to fuck with his pup's soon to be mate. He'll ask difficult questions, press them about useless things, kill the conversation completely at random moments to make the soon to be mate sweat. He's having the time of his life and how far it goes will depend on how long Shika's alpha and pup put up with it. Shikamaru will do this if he likes the soon to be mate. If he doesn't like them, this will be 10x worse. He's not too hard to impress though, as long as he thinks the soon to be mate treats his pup well and isn't suspicious or whatever.

Kakashi: I'm going to add him in in terms of how he reacts to Team 7 mating someone.

He's very happy when Naruto gets close to mating an alpha. Kakashi enjoys seeing Naruto so smiley, and goodness knows he deserves some happiness. But it does make Kakashi wonder briefly how Minato and Kushina would have loved to meet Naruto's mate.

Kakashi is surprised but actually very happy when Sasuke is about to mate. It makes Kakashi feel like Sasuke didn't end up like him, that Sasuke is going to have support and love and maybe he isn't broken beyond repair yet. It also makes for excellent material to wind Sasuke up with. Naruto just grins and starts waxing lyrical about his mate when Kakashi tries to tease him, but Sasuke gives the most hilarious reactions and it amuses Kakashi greatly.

He'll never forget Sasuke's face when Kakashi offered to lend him Icha Icha to teach him... ahem 'tricks' to use with his alpha.

Kakashi doesn't tease Sakura as much about her mate because she fiercely protective of them and she will try and beat Kakashi up, and he doesn't feel like dealing with that lmao. He trusts Sakura to pick a good mate but he is slightly curious about meeting them, because he wants to know what kind of person can handle the firecracker Sakura lmao.

With all of them, Kakashi just sort of nods and acknowledges the new mate but doesn't say much. He observes though. Just to make sure there isn't any hint that this new soon to be mate will hurt any of his precious students.

[weebsinstash]

block him and don't think too hard about it. it's okay if you feel bad, but keep him blocked. just do it and push it to the back of your mind! definetly a walking red flag cut him off and you'll be good!!

Well like. I keep telling myself "oh, give this dude a chance, maybe he's just extremely socially awkward, maybe he's from another culture and he doesn't realize this is weird" but like. Here

Like uh. Am I talking to an axe murderer or something or does he genuinely not see this as bizarre. This dude dodges questions like Matrix bullets. I'm almost wondering if he's testing how gullible and weak willed i am or something. And guess what 💀 my dumb ass never blocked him bc I brought up he was coming off as really creepy and he apologized and shit but like. This kind of. Reeks of. I dunno. It's very bizarre. Said he liked my name and wanted to see if I wanted to be friends but he said that only after I had to question him so. Now I just feel like if I block him now then I'M the asshole. Which is fucked up right?

Also like even if he wasn't acting sketch as fuck he says he lives in Florida and he's 24 so 1. He's younger than me 2. Florida sucks and 3. We could never meet in person or whatever so idk what his game plan is. I lowkey feel like he's looking for girls to try and get them to send nudes or something. His English is also kind of off to me which doesn't inherently mean anything but idk it just makes me think of phishers and scammers

I would just. Also like to point out. How it just. Is really jumping out to me that my trauma manifests as risking my own safety to placate others. Because I can list so many things wrong with this entire interaction and im sitting here talking about video games with him because I feel guilty to end the conversation 💀 fucking. Stupid ass voice in the back of my head "but what if you block him and hurt his feelings 😥 you don't want to make someone SAD do you"

Like dude if you're seeing this right now this entire thing has given me so much fucking anxiety about randomly talking to people. Straight up the only reason I replied is because of THIS blog and I assumed maybe he knew me from here or ao3 but. Nope! Just homegrown lonely dude randomly hitting me up?

God. God. Fuck. This is actually really starting to piss me of, less now about him even and more about how I can't even. Choose for myself. Protect myself. I dont know. Jesus. Every time I'm about to go through with it I either get a new nice message that makes me feel bad for considering it or. I dunno. I dunno how to even verbalize this. I guess I have a psychological idk THING about being terrified of upsetting people (i guess because my brain instantly correlates someone being angry or upset with the immediate threat of physical violence onto myself, thanks dad)

this is not even like. The only weird message I've ever gotten. I feel bad even talking about it because Im the one having the conversation and letting it continue. I should just try and smoke and sleep soon. I've been working overnight shifts now and when I get off work I just feel too drained to deal with this kind of thing. Idk. Hopefully I make some sort of decision soon so I can at least stop beating myself up over the indecision

[tata-is-the-name]

7th Dimension (Chapter 7.4)

PREVIOUSLY ON CHAPTER 7.3

7TH DIMENSION MASTERLIST

7TH DIMENSION WATTPAD LINK (I’m always 1-2 chapters ahead in this site) (Head on to it and don’t be shy to introduce yourselves or leave a comment! <3 Love y'all! <3) (I’m about to post chapter 8.3 there by now. I just realize how far ahead I am in Wattpad now. I'M SORRY! Readers have just been more interactive there rather than in Tumblr. Heehee.)

Characters: Gojo Satoru x Small!Naive!Fem!Foreign!Reader | THIS IS A MULTI-CHAPTER FIC. THIS IS AN X READER FANFIC WHO HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE DIMENSION OF JUJUTSU KAISEN | (Trust me, you'll live. I hope?)

Summary: (Part 5) Mind Training with Gojo Satoru had been beneficial to the both of you. You were given a mission to bake him sweets and in return of earning a 10/10 rating from the Great Teacher Gojo would result for a Shopping Spree treat from the Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer alive.| Additional Summary for this chapter: You've learned and collected discoveries that weren't meant to be divulged from Satoru Gojo. Only those who were special would get to notice and experience these so-called-discoveries about him. Hence, it was worthwhile and also meant to be credited and taken into mind for future purposes. Yet as a compensation for that, destiny has given the accursed karma upon buying intimate apparels with the only nuisance that always brings out the worst in you.

Warnings: Fergie is mentioned here. 🤣 This has been a mess of a chapter? This ain't canon, guys...But, I've had to choose something that Satoru wouldn't like just for the sake of this story. (Other than his canon dislike for 'alcohol') I chose Shiitake Mushrooms/Mushrooms because I wanted it to be the common ones that everybody eats but it's the opposite for him. Again, not canon. Just something to spice up his character in this book. Satoru's also being quite flirtatious every once in a while. Heehee. Google Translate is mentioned. Granny-Pannies too. (Y'all know why on the end of this chapter. 🤣) 

VOTES AND COMMENTS ARE SUPER-DUPER HIGHLY APPRECIATED! IT GIVES ME SO MUCH MOTIVATION! SORRY IF THERE ARE LOTS OF TYPOS AND GRAMMAR ERRORS IN THIS CHAPTER! I ain't a professional writer! I'm just a potato-hoe! LMAO. 🤣

Words: 5.8k+

Disclaimer: PNG's or pictures used in edits, also those posted are not mine especially the GIF's. (I dunno how to make GIF's 😭) I only own the plot of 7th Dimension. But, not Jujutsu Kaisen's storyline and the characters themselves. I apologize for the typos or grammatical errors by the way! English isn't my first language so I'm so sorry in advance! Character development and personalities are based from my understanding and how I want them to be for the sake of the story.

"I---I'll come back here with Nobara instead."

"You're already here. Why not buy them now?"

SATORU cloaked on a false display of innocence along the lines of his logical statement. His mischievous grins bottled up with a faint bite to his lip to provide more of his feigned impeccability in spite of the disenthralled purpose hidden under Aladdin's flying carpet. Positively seeing through the intentions that he was implying for. A homespun philosophy; a whip-smart piece of advice from the strongest himself like it was utter Brain Blast from Jimmy Neutron.

Your walking red flag benefactor had his face tucked away with the impish inflection of his voice. Pitch resonating a higher like a question asked by a preschooler who kept raising his hand to his teacher and chose to just say it out loud regardless that you both know it was beyond a gullible query from the latter.

Leastways, the backdrop have been less ribald and unseemly prior to the day that you were brought over a decent---well, over the top kind of shame on that very special moment where your supposed to be Pastry Shop or Dessert Store had evolved into an erotic one where Dildos are being sold to people. It has been your unfortunate heyday that was meant to be criticized by two---one matured but thoroughly hushed ex-salary man and the other can be described as an unmellowed one in regards to the brassy reactions you've received from the guy who happened to be the only one; the exclusive person whom you had no escape from.

You've chosen to act oblivious about it, pretended that it wasn't necessary. There has already been a construction of plans ahead. It's either you were going to borrow money from anyone---aside from Satoru who obviously won't shut his mouth over what you planned to buy. Worst case scenario was that he would actually be an angel---the actual devilish menace to accompany you instead. It was either that or you're begging for alms anywhere out in Japan and end up being in jail instead.

However, fate decided that the worst case scenario was much of a better option. It wasn't entirely the best. Yet, providence made it seem like it was a choice that needed to be handpicked.

Therefore, destiny let you held onto the hot potato. Culminating over the outcome of you and Satoru standing before an intimate apparel store with iron-willed standpoints of the complete antithetical notions.

He has been the hell yes, do it and you were clearly the oh, hell no.

There has been lots of discoveries that was to befounded from Gojo Satoru in your experience through out the current engagement you were having with him. This abrupt Shopping Spree treat he'd spontaneously conducted which held a lot of rude awakening---sarcastically speaking, he actually roused you up utterly barbarously by setting an alarm up on full volume at such a cranky hour in the morning---but, other than that literal verbatim, he had you all agog for what kind of multiplex personality he had.

You've had a lot of aha moments with him. Most that has been mentally kept and treasured for utter blackmail purposes which can be used in the future. This man; the one who held an utmost consuming and extraordinary classification in their society, the Jujutsu World that you somehow couldn't comprehend because nobody wanted to be in detailed of when it came to elucidating the subject at hand.

In other words, every one in Tokyo Jujutsu High did not want to talk to you through a language that would get them stumbling over and over again.

But, you were beginning to have an inkling that their work was confidential---entirely should be discreet to the eyes of normal people and they were still dithering over your existence.

Unless, Satoru made it clear that he should be the sole person to explain through it all. Although, he hardly explains anything that can discerned by you as of the moment. He seemed to take everything casual and vague as he could and it was not helping your mind especially when you were one who was considered to have brain-freakin'-damaged.

There had been at least two to three discoveries you've taken to mind today about Gojo Satoru.

One, he had a habit of staring.

This type of staring could be appraised as an outstare. The variety where you were presumed to be under his daunting company because of the cogency of his eyes. Aberrant than the typical or usual to be seen by anyone who were currently breathing in the same air with you right now because in all possibility, you've looked from left to right; seen people never having them even on his world and thought everything through when you were still back in your dimension.

Nobody in the world---even the ones considered to be downright gorgeous and perfect had the eyes of Gojo Satoru.

He appeared to be the sole one who inherited it from whatever bloodline he came from.

Thus, Gojo manifested that he was shameless to poke fun over your patent restiveness. Those tiny stammers that leave your lips quivering and the constant swallowing of your frets. It was giving him the vim that made him chortle whenever he was insistent upon looking fixedly on you; never knowing if he was gazing vacantly in which you had not caught---he'll be damned on that certain minute if you actually had calmed down from the sporadic turmoil he casted upon because the strongest had this quirky sense of distraction---and actually asked him a question or retaliated to complain over being outstared by him.

He probably needed to wear his blindfolds back after the treat he had with you.

Though, the first discovery never did sound like a protection racket of some sort. It has only been a breakthrough for Satoru's characteristic gestures.

Blackmail number two was that he had found Mushrooms downright disgusting. 

Satoru loathed it. How have you noticed? Well, he made it obvious by feeding the damned vegetable in your mouth despite of not wanting to.

Forced them inside your mouth, to be precise.

You've finally calmed down to your heart's content and constant flutters once food has been served by a waitress. Satoru has been continuously talkative from the start that his food were situated before him, an endearing chime of delight escaped his mouth to his heedless reaction, guessing that he paid no attention to it. His face corroding into an epitome of a cherub as it rejuvenated him. The mental picture has made you ask God in vain how one man could ever exist; how he could look winsome enough for a person to intentionally slip on a banana peel in attempts that he'll notice them, till he had the potential of being utmost dear for such a simple dining occurrence.

To be honest, the viewpoint had given you an aching warmth to your heart. Spreading through you like a damned alcohol that began pumping down your system as if you were bound to feel lightheaded and joyous.

Asking the heavens how it happened and how he was created were of no use because you've accumulated no answer to it.

Satoru had been loquacious even in the middle of devouring his noodles. Thoroughly not caring if he was talking with his mouth full that it made him sound incomprehensible at times. Though, whenever he does, it was only in a portion of having the food kept on the other side of his tumefied cheek. His topics were always arbitrary. The strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer had never slipped any amount of information over how they do their work---nor how he does it. He was having the earmarks as if he was a normal teacher whom was in the middle of chatting down about Yuji's outstanding meatballs that you surely should get to taste soon.

His lower lip jutted out in a stifled pout, ceasing to finish his own sentence as you munched your own plate away. You've given him the side-eye, wondering why he surprisingly zipped his mouth and regarded his expression. Satoru felt you were rubbernecking and lifted a Shiitake mushroom with his own chopsticks, swiftly lifting them to your mouth with a blink behind his sunglasses.

"What?" you've given him a benignant blink of an eye, mentally criticizing if he grew three heads in which Satoru immediately knew and felt.

He'd raised his chopsticks further, assertive as he was. The vegetable grazing, rubbing lightly upon your lip which made your heart skip a beat from the unnecessary mental image as you slightly pushed your head back. You've critically analyzed his intentions with furrowed brows, taking you by surprise for the need to be catered for in his presence. Not to mention that those chopsticks he was using had already been in his mouth already.

"Want a mushy?"

A mushy? Gojo was cocking his head to the side, inspecting the edible fungi as he held it out for you. He was persistent and unrelenting, appearing as if he knew you had no other choice but to accept his wishes.

You've squinted your eyes back at him, reading through the signs over what he really wanted. He had his lips pursed, momentarily taking glimpses of that meat you've deliberately nested on the side of your bowl, the meat swimming peacefully inside the bowl of noodle soup you planned on not finishing all. Saving the best for last; the meats to be specific.

Oh. He wanted an exchange then. How unfair could he be.

It must be that reason or he was subtly telling you that he disrelished the fungus.

"I'm not eating that. You've been eyeing my meats. You just want an exchange. It isn't a fair trade though."

Gojo was still assiduous than ever and tried to coax you through your obdurate cynicism, "It's to make you stronger, healthier." you've sighed and shook your head, determined to not give in to his wishes because of his own dislikes over an digestible mushroom that was stereotypically edible for everyone.

A grimace was etched upon your features, dwelling on his own beliefs. You've scientifically given it a school of thought, knowing damn well that mushrooms are a source of fiber, protein and antioxidants. The fungus being good for boosting heart health and not the brain. Somehow, it probably did.

"Why? As far as I remembered, mushrooms don't help in healing the brain. I mean---perhaps, it does improve brain function somehow---But---Why though? I have my own. Go eat yours."

"Because," Satoru started, the next words a melodious chant. His pitch turning higher as if it was satirizing. It didn't help that he was smiling broadly as he did so, "---You're weak."

"Pfft. That sounded funny." you've choked on your own saliva and abruptly snorted before even realizing why you did. It resonated inside your head like an echo being hollered inside a bat cave in that empty abyss kept within the depths of your amnesia. Unaware of your native tongue being spoken out in the open, thinking out loud, "---And also familiar somehow."

It's like you've already heard it from him somehow. But, you believed that there hasn't been a case yet and this was the first time you've encountered the phrase from him. Perhaps, the expected pertinence sense of attributes held within the quotation as said by Satoru was made to be felt familiar because the man was indeed arrogant as ever.

Now, Gojo had the expressive grimace you've notched when you were being fed by his mushrooms. The tiny scowl apparent and expressive enough to tell that he abhorred the language he restrictively advised you not to speak of whenever he was around. He'd mentally criticized how you were constantly thumbing your nose over the idea of his outstanding power he held. Yet, Satoru understood why you were acting and seeing him that way. It was because he actually had never showed off the aptness of what he was made of.

He actually had never gotten the chance to extensively swaggered around yet.

The side he was actually showing had been the normal one; the part where he was considered to be...the middle of the road, not counting the Mike Wazowski incident back in Hatagaya. You'd underwent going through kid's stuff with Satoru and his students. Thoroughly trouble free. In due time, Satoru probably needed to show off more soon to wipe that naivety of yours away.

Those laughter he was hearing though, the latter wasn't certain whether or not he wanted to wipe them off you as well. Your fits had been entirely a dulcet tone for the ears like a fresh lollipop being unwrapped for him to appreciate. Satoru slightly lifted himself off his chair, heedful upon which bag of newly bought clothes had been sitting beside you, "I'm stowing away that dress we bought. The one you've been eyeing but had been cheap not to whisk it away at all until I actually had to,"

You've ceased him to it before he could, raising a hand to guard the paper bags that were nestled safely beside you. Knowing that he was damn capable of throwing them away if he wanted and you've ceased him to it with your hand, "You're calling me cheap?"

Satoru gave a firm nod, utterly not skeptical over his rude opinion over you. His grin was wide enough for a Cheshire Cat to cower away from.

"F-Find another person who's telling you your sketches then!" Your voice lacked of conviction, the little stammer catching you off-guard that he had approved of the opinion so casually and phlegmatically like it was the truth. To all intents and purposes, it probably was. A wry face crawled upon the nerves of your expressions, disbelief utmost screaming from his frank agreement towards his critical assumptions.

He plonked back on his seat, those grins turning into a bright toothy smile, the image he portrayed that he recognizes where you were always left shunning your gaze away like it always bothered you. The Jujutsu Sorcerer lifted the mushroom back to your lip with malice aforethought of having the edible fungus and his own chopsticks gently poke through your lips, pushy as he always did.

You were starting to grow annoyed over his troublesome nuisance. Couldn't he just take the word 'no'? and accepted that you didn't want an exchange? "Satoru, I told you---NO."

"Satoru, YES. Now, say ah~" he went on upon prodding your lip with the mushroom, bumptious to have his own bowl of food empty that he would hand over his own eatables to your own surfeit.

It was as if a bright light bulb popped above your head, lighting in a way that tells you how witty you were upon his constant persuasion. The theories pooling inside your head as it held your own strong-willed beliefs over his peculiar wheedling. Your mouth forming an unusual grin that has been thoroughly newfangled for Satoru to take the image to because you were never one to grin back at him as if you were a wicked, Lilliputian Digimon kept in his stacks of collection that he has.

"Ah, I get it now. Is the strongest just scared of his own mushies?!"

The way his mouth upturned on the corners of his lip, his eye-crinkles minimally falling if a person wasn't entirely habituated over his reactions. If you haven't been noting the tiniest habits that were difficult to comprehend from the complexity of his characteristics---if you actually haven't squinted further into knowing how he was capable of being peeved despite of how he covered the exasperations of being oddly wise to quickly caught up to Gojo Satoru's attitude.

Then, you wouldn't have been heedful that you were right. The strongest abhorred his own Shiitake mushrooms.

He'd taken the get-go, Satoru briskly took over being caught red-handed by a damned, weak, non-sorcerer and took your taunts to his own hands. Literally and figuratively. The attractive white-haired sorcerer was insanely fast enough to stuff down that confidence you had over realizing the confidential discovery. His robust, calloused fingers that engulfed your face in full length held onto your jaw, leniently but emphatically prying them open into a widened squeeze that instantly surprised you again, taking you aback and making you freeze along your seat. Your lips were being compressed like you were a child he was having a difficult time on feeding her medicines.

Did he literally shoved the food inside your mouth?

Yes. Yes, he did.

The strength he'd forced upon you hadn't even been one where you would've felt pain. Yet, it was enough to pry your mouth open and shut down that aplomb in which Satoru was highly aware of.

"S-Shatoru!" you've incoherently exclaimed through your flabbergast. Utmost incredulous to believe he would do that to you.

Well, it was not like he had already done it back in the plane. Did he also have a habit of shoving every damned edible food into your mouth without a warning?

A taunting grin resurfaced upon his face when your cheeks were tumefied over the mushrooms he forced you to eat, eyeing you over his sunglasses to get a better representation of his sudden impulsive actions.

Thus, the last discovery you've remarked was that he was great at veiling his act of feigned innocence through his simple coquettish gestures which leaves you distracted.

Or the guy was just an all-out sultry man that you've interpreted his gestures that was to be considered amorous; or it could also be that he knew damn well that you could turn into total putty right on the midst of his large palm in which Satoru planned to frolic on.

"Your turn to feed me then." Satoru brought back his chopsticks over his lip, gradually and languidly tapping them over his own supple vermillion like he wanted and urged you to concentrate on the idea that those chopsticks---the one he has fed you with---had been inside your mouth and his at the same time, "---An eye for an eye, Tiny-Chan~!" he went on with his goading, slightly leaning on his side of the table with both of his elbows, intentionally grazing the tip of his chopsticks in a coy behavior that got you begrudgingly chewing on the mushroom you've been forced to take, bordering on choking upon his unbidden actions. 

"T-THAT'S JUST CRUEL! THAT WASN'T EVEN A FAIR EXCHANGE!"

The outcome to all of that was the result of his own logical hypothesis or beliefs that in some way, this mental hierarchy of needs he mentally drawn inside his head for you subjected to the notion---a practical logic for everyone---that you eventually would need your intimate apparels.

It was the first guess. Second would be that he was making fun of the embarrassment that would eventually take over once he came in with you and third would be that he was debauched to know your tastes upon choosing which intimate apparels you were a penchant of.

The three options can be a mixture of everything with Satoru's analytics.

"It's because you're here!" you've whisper-yelled in a grouse. Having qualms that he was shameless to accompany you through an apparel store that were filled with women and couples who were buying lingerie with their boyfriends for a night fueled for joy and intimacy.

"---and? What's the problem with that?" he raised a brow, catching your attention to it for a while because of how you weren't still habituated over the reality that he had albino eyelashes and eyebrows as well.

"We're all adults here. You're an adult. I'm an adult---" his blabbers were immediately cut off by a deadpan.

"You sure about that, Satoru?"

Satoru inserted his hands inside his pockets, peering down at you, cocking his head to the side while keeping his line of vision on you alone, sounding nonchalant as he casually informed, "Well, it's not like Nobara's paying you for these. Also, she won't understand you nor does she seem to like you."

"They use Google Translate now. I can understand them and vice versa." You've crossed your arms against your chest, raising a brow at the information said as if you've answered all the problems that the earth needed, gloating over the recommendation constructed and generated by your own intellect.

This has been your witty idea after all.

It was a simple walk through in the middle of Tokyo Jujutsu High, hopping along the flourished wood with satisfying, perceptive thumps. You were trying to find where the kitchen had been when you've somehow stumbled upon Megumi Fushiguro. Though, the juvenile tried his best to clandestinely avoid any verbal communication or discussion with you without Gojo on your side, knowing that he would suffer through an amount of cerebral processing just to know what you actually meant.

The Shikigami user pondered for a while as you were meters away, reckoning why you were alone and wandering around the institute.

Howbeit, that momentary ceasing in between his tracks, his face was still stoic and bland to know what he thought of. Fushiguro had to quickly look away when you've had him caught like a deer in headlights, immediately giving him a friendly smile. It was a fated chance of a encounter he knew he needed to tolerate as he tried to turn away to take his leave, trying to shun away from the need of being in a verbal conversation with you.

It was a wonder why the student was up and early at five in the morning. Nevertheless, you were lucky to see him and hollered for his name out loud that made him grumble beneath his breath, asking the heavens why it was always him being caught in conversations he obviously didn't want to be caught up in.

You were both caught in an uncomfortable silence. Megumi was silently staring down at you as he waited for what you wanted to ask of him, anxious for how he would respond until you've non-verbally gestured for Megumi's phone with a simple imaginary tap to your palm as if you were mentally picturing a phone in hand.

Fushiguro had given you a once over, trying to comprehend what you needed and understood the idea, wholly giving his phone to you without even being anxious that you would sneak in through his messages or somewhat. Though, you've given his phone back and eventually let him lead onto tapping where Google was. You've known it existed in their dimension after Satoru had explained what amnesia was to you through Wikipedia back at the restaurant before you were even caught in your own stupidity through the abandoned street curse back in Hatagaya.

You've plainly stated the word 'Google Translate' to Megumi in which the first-year student nodded at that.

Now, he could understand you through the application whenever the both of you wanted to conversate. Though, it probably wasn't the best translator but it was somehow useful. It took quite the time and comfort to adjust over the idea between the both of you.

"But, would they pay for it, though? They're my students. Again, students." Satoru continued to cajole his way out of his feigned empathy, knowing that the menace also had other schemes inside his head which was why he was adamant over being the person whom you should buy intimate apparels with, "Would you make my students---may I emphasize---" he gave a dramatic pause, leaning his weight to the side as he brought the idea to the fore, "---My precious students treat you for---"

You've protested at the top of your lungs, your fists clenched to the sides as you firmly shook your head in disapproval, knowing he'd be an utter headache once you entered the establishment with him instead, "I'M NOT BUYING MY UNDERWEARS WITH YOU!"

Satoru's tonality was light and acted as if he was claiming that he had clean hands over the issue you were giving so much malice through, "It's not like you'll be buying the granny underwear anyways," he shrugged his broad shoulders, quite blasé about the situation.

You've felt the heat spreading like wild fire across your face that quickly went through the nape of your neck as you mindlessly retaliated with a tight scowl to your lip, trying to offer a sarcastic jest but also not as well. It wasn't like you've never worn them when you were having menstruations every month.

"Now, you're being deprecating, Satoru."

Satoru blinked to himself, his mouth upturned from the consternation. Surprised that women your age actually did wore them from time to time. What an eye-opener indeed. His query sounded like he was convinced over the half meant joke.

"Wait, you actually would?!"

His face were inches away from you. Eyes analyzing if you were joking or not. The audible hum of interest and judgements making you anxious and humiliated that he took it seriously. Though, it was just all in the spirit of his nosiness.

Satoru abruptly bent his towering height to your level, cocking his head to the side as he was single-minded over tormenting you with that obstinate curiosity of his. His gaze were screaming over how hell-bent he was that he never believed the satirizing tone that had been shaky from the start. An intonation in between the actuality of it being a joke and also not at the same time.

He was outstaring again. Yet, this time, it was entirely a mixture of skittishness and his wayward credence over your weird and comical preferences.

Satoru gradually leaned in closer, his face dangerously close enough and obviously having the keen over how you were avoiding the intensity of those Ethers he owned, "C-Cant you take a hint that I was telling you a joke?"

He blinked behind his abnormally, jet black sunglasses, pursing his lips as he pretended to dwell. Finding joy over the embarrassment you were feeling.

"It's not a joke, isn't it?" Satoru stressed on, reigning the guilt-free act over catching you off-guard for the abrupt turn of events.

Every woman does it. Your mother did; your female friends did as well. Every member of the fair sex owns at least one of them. There wasn't anything wrong with it.

Though, it wasn't meant for Gojo to know as well. He was a man after all. It wasn't necessary for him to understand. The man doesn't even experience the whole menstruation thing so you might as well make him think that it was a joke.

"IT IS! I-I was kidding! W-What makes you think I wasn't joking?!" you've stammered, quickly peering up at him when he brought back his shoulders, standing tall before you and snapping his thick fingers with a subtle point to the store's entrance. A determined beam lifting the ends of his lips in a unadulterated smile.

"Come on then. The Great Gojo's here to buy you your granny-pannies, Tiny-Chan!"

Without further ado, he'd openly took your small hands with his, striking an unforeseen bolt to your heart as he did so. His palms engulfing yours again in a warm, cozy embrace. It felt undeniably summery and this warmth you've felt that started from beneath your chest spread straight to your face and ears at the realization of what he was offering and suggesting on.

What Satoru wants. He gets. You damn knew that from the moment you were forcibly fed by his mushrooms; his iron-willed opinions over choosing the better and expensive stores instead with the additional persistence and annoyance he was having over your timidity by the prices he found cheap.

He always had the final say through it all. Hence, your augustness were being put to torture whenever he was around, exploring matters and events that you had never experienced or come across to in terms of being accompanied by the opposite sex.

"I wouldn't want to miss the sight of you choosing which granny-pannies is best anyway!"

He was teasingly whistling to himself, easy-peasy dragging you towards the intimate apparel shop along his large strides as you tried to pull him back. But, much to the embarrassment he was bringing you in---the trembles of your knees for how your senses heightened towards his large hand that felt so comfortable with yours---no matter how you tried to pull back with all your weight and tried to intentionally made yourself heavier. The white-haired sorcerer paid no heed to it as if it was as easy as ABC.

It wasn't helping that people who passed by began giving you both looks over how hilarious you appeared to be, in some way he had you squatting the floors just for you to intentionally put more weight to his yanking. However, this was still a facile action for the Jujutsu Sorcerer as you had no idea over his attested strength.

Dragging you around to where he wanted was simply a piece of piss.

"GOJOOOO! PEOPLE ARE LOOKING---! CAN'T---CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT OUTSIDE?! I'M A BIG GIRL NOW---! LISTEN---LISTEN! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF FERGIE'S SONG 'BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY?' SHE STATED THAT THE PATH THAT I'M WALKING, I MUST GO ALONE---! WHICH MEANS I'M GOING ALONE INSIDE!"

He went on with his harmless torments. Playfully whistling louder to himself. A hand hidden inside the pocket of his pants, never once budging through your obstinate resistance over trying to break free from his hold as he'd ignored your random reference that he had comprehended, knowing full well who 'Fergie' was and that she also bizarrely exists in his dimension.

It was in all respects weird to analyze that there were parts that existed and there was parts that didn't exist in your dimension and his.

Gojo chuckle had been easy on the ears, the succeeding response poking fun over your unsystematic references and quotes that were of reflex by the slips of your tongue whenever you were on the verge of being anxious or with one's stomach in knots. "You take baby steps, Tiny Chan. You're not full grown. Which means that you need to be accompanied by a handsome adult like me." the gigantic, lanky, white-haired Jujutsu Sorcerer supported your reference with the same context that you had tried to cajole him in. Yet, this has hit you on the face with a brick because his comeback consisted of sarcastic mocks over your height.

Your eyes widened at that, trying to push and bop his hand off yours in repeat as you exclaimed and held such ire for the realization that you were loudly announcing your subconscious thoughts out in the open, "WHAT? JENNIFER LAWRENCE AND FERGIE EXISTS BUT NOT ME?" you've huffed out loud, struggling against Satoru's hold, "---REALLY?!"

"Gojo, huh?" Satoru snickered, "Haven't I told you that I don't like hearing it from you?" he sing-songed and whistled with a loud cackle, heedless of the toothy grin he was honing on, "---Also, It's Satoru, I say. Sa-to-ru. Understand?" he emphasized with each vowel, gamesomely stressing on the diphthongs while subtly giving you the side-eye and seeing the mischievous flicker it held once he did before he continue to pull you over the entrance.

"I-I TOLD YOU, IT WAS A JOKE! CAN'T YOU TAKE A DAMN JOKE?! STOP PULLING ME!"

It was a sudden slip of your tongue due to his intentional torments. Your mouth running in the desperate pleading for the embarrassment that was bound to be felt once you were within the perimeters of the store.

You were steps away along the entrance of the store. Satoru took a dramatic pause, halting in the middle of the transparent glass door as if he remembered something. You've struggled to escape through his lenient but tight hold, rolling those wrists of yours in an attempt to be free but no great outcome came to it as this was---the strongest jujutsu sorcerer you were trying to break-free from.

Hence, it was impossible--- a far fetched image especially when you were going on the lam. An impractical choice to be touched or held by Gojo Satoru from the start.

He'd slightly turned his heels. Your shame taking over your body to ever notice that Satoru had taken a glimpse of his own hand that connected with yours. A brief, vacant gaze that pooled along his heavenly eyes before he was quick upon catching his own peculiar diversion standpoints.

The latter leaned his head to the side, mantling his own perceptions that were currently unknown to you and especially to everyone in the world. He'd veiled it with a firm, melodious click of his tongue that followed through a mischievous shake of his head. The both of you mentally remembering the aftermath when you've expressed yourself in your vernacular, your face being the one in utter tortures to Gojo's unconstrained preference to pinch on your cheeks.

He just mushed them up till they were irritated and inflamed, earning lots of stank eyes from your side and a lot of bleats over how desensitized he made them be with thorough twines of 'You're gonna pay for this' and the pinching idiot understood them literally by deliberately responding and be smug that he was bank on upon paying for everything today anyways, so what was there to be said?

"You're really pigheaded to listen. Tsk. Tsk. Such a stubborn, stubborn, girl!"

I told you, guys. This chapter was bound to have a lot of parts because I planned to tell what happened to them in this entire shopping spree treat with Gojo. FEEDBACKS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED! EEEEEEEE~ <3 To the ghost readers out there, don't be shy to comment hi! Heehee. <3 I don't bite! <3 

[baylerbb20]

Why don't people like Swaggy C? I'm new to Big Brother but even on twitter and instagram I saw people dragging him and Bayleigh

I personally genuinely always felt that he was just using her, but a list of things that rubbed people the wrong way since he came to the scene in 2018 on Big Brother 20 

1. He wanted a showmance from day 1 in Big Brother season 20. He went to the first 2 White girls, they wasn’t into him so he starts flirting with Bayleigh and slept with her multiple times and then on top of that bragged about it, but that’s a different story.

2. He only ever dated light skin/Non Black women. Bayleigh said she’s the first Black woman he has ever been with.

3. He seemed more interested in Bayleigh’s luxurious lifestyle and money than her, he would even brag about it to others like it was HIS life.

4. Her family (and friends) never liked him and when you have loved ones not liking someone you’re dating, that’s always a red flag. Please, listen to them. One of her best friends even liked a comment calling Swaggy a “clout chaser” and that “Bayleigh deserves better”.

5. The charity event he held for cancer victims including for Kevin. Swaggy scammed everyone that donated money and kept the money for himself and kept giving people lies, and it made Bayleigh look bad because people dragged her into it as well and she said stupid stuff defending him, it made her look just as bad, smh.

https://soapdirt.com/big-brother-swaggy-kevin-cancer-doesnt-deserve-fundraiser-money/

6. Proposing to her on national tv when he barely even knew her and just met, a lot of people said he was trying to get extra TV time because he left first and also “secure the bag” because she is rich, even after the show he was bragging about all of the nice houses they went looking for (and at the time it was coming from connections from her family because they do real-estate so he had it easy)

7. I feel like Bayleigh is gullible when it comes to guys because he came in being the only guy showing her a lot of attention and she fell in love with him within a week, she moves fast and hard. It’s kinda sad.

8. A lot of people don’t like that he constantly brags and shows off his money, every since he came into money he does that 24/7 but before he got into stock he used to brag about Bayleigh’s money, he’s obsessed with money and material things.

But oh well, she’s married to him now, I used to say she deserves better but she thinks he’s her king and she said she prayed for a guy like him so at this point as long as she’s happy at the moment, that’s all that matters, but if shit hits the fan It will be like a I told you so moment

[tara-l-blackmore]

"Self", ink on paper; left: original with cropping; right: filtered with cropping.

I drew this during a time of retrospect, during a time in which my mind was just speeding over and over again, over the same crash courses, the same pains and problems, the same, the same, the same.

I am a weak person. This refers both to my mind and my body. My mind has always been week, susceptible to gullibility and overeager trust, but my body's collapse, while eight years in, is difficult for me to come to terms with, because as a child, I lived a life of a rubber ball: always able to bounce back from all I'm thrown against.

But I'm old, now. I don't mean age, anymore, though yes, it's up there. My body is old. Illness has aged it. I cannot reverse how badly my body has been damaged; it's permanent til death.

It's hard to accept this, as someone used to physical freedom for the first 26 years of their life. But here I am, and this is the way it is:

This pain is permanent, and it will likely kill me.

I'm not certain how. I want it to be natural causes. But sometimes, when I'm in the darkest of places, the worst aspects of my mind and soul, I yearn to give up, to stop feeling, to just go black, to make it all stop.

I've come close. Since Nim died, it's been a daily struggle, one that has eased with time and support, but one that is, like pain and depression, permanent.

It's ironic, in a way. As a child, I never thought to take care of myself. I never thought to be amazed by how resilient I was. Instead, I just kept pushing the limits, doing too much, and it feels like, by doing that, I've sapped my lifeforce dry. I don't have any to spare, because I spent it all as a child.

It would be fine, if that childhood was phenomenal. But sadly, those moments of wasted life weren't always my fault; in truth, there were countless times in which I would have to use that life to save it, in turn draining it.

Irony is never lost on me.

I'm not intelligent. I can string words together pretty well, and bullshit the rest, but I'm not a smart person. At best, I'm mediocre. At worst, I'm a buffoon.

As such, I can never truly ascertain why people react toward me like they do. The default is hatred; the rarest is friendship; the best is family.

However.

I'm too clingy. When I make friends with a person, I attach to them like a barnacle. But it's the kind that saps a person dry, of patience and kindness and love, because I need attention. I need affirmation. I need constant reassurance.

Because I'm so used to not being what kind people say I am. I'm used to being told I'm everything but worth anything.

But being too clingy means I tire people out. People are easily exhausted around me, and soon discover that what I give is not worth what they give me in return.

I've lost a lot of friends over the years, a lot of people I would've died for, without realising that I drained them dry, and without realising that I was no longer the person they thought I was.

When people see my true self, they leave. 7/10 times, they leave. Sometimes it takes more time than usual, sometimes it even takes years, but they leave. They leave, because they see that the charm I put on, the cheerful facade of fun and games, is real, but not real enough, and not enough to make me fun, anymore, amidst the rest of the bullshit that exists within me.

Over the past year, I've lost several people in my life for the above reason, people who shocked me by leaving. Their reasons were either good or stupid, but they were not the real reasons. I know the real reasons, and I wish they'd just been honest with me, and confirmed it, instead of lied to me, and hurt me even more.

I hate lies. I hate being lied to. Honesty is the most important thing to me, and it's something I take seriously. If I lie, it's either so minute it's inconsequential, or I don't know it's a lie and have been misinformed.

But I get lied to a lot. I never knew why, until I just wrote this out.

People lie to me because they can't stand me, and it's the only way to keep me away, because I keep clinging way too fucking hard. So they lie. Then they ignore. Then they ditch. Sometimes they go so far as to demonise me.

It's my fault; I'm too stupid and too trusting, too clingy and too pushy, too nosy and too open. I scare people away, because when I trust them, I show them all of myself.

And that scares most people away. Because there is ugliness in me (not just on the outside, durrhurr, fuck you), and it's too much.

And... I get that. I totally get that. I am too much. I am too pushy, too needy, too nosy.

I'm too lonely...

That's my problem. My loneliness makes me desperate, and I come on to strong, yearning for someone to please, please, please, treat me kindly, be my friend, accept my care and maybe my love (always familial/friendly). I'm so lonely that I refuse to see the red flags in front of me, warning me away from people who will break me.

Except... the people who break me are the people I love, sometimes the most. And that's when I fall.

It's hard to be this sick, and to have to also constantly sew my heart back up, again. It's... draining. It's... lethal.

It hurts.

I don't know why I wrote this. I guess to explain my distance, here, as well as in general. People have been reaching out to me, especially when I ask, but I flee, because all I can see is the inevitable heartbreak.

I know nothing is permanent in life. That's the nature of life. That's what makes it so precious, so fleeting, so... good, and so bad.

And I just want to live my life happily. It's taken years to admit it, but I'm not a lone wolf type. I'm not happiest by myself.

I love people. I love friends and family.

I love to love.

And I guess that's why I'm always fucking everything up. And why I drew this picture.

Sorry...

[actuallydyspraxic]

What job befits someone who is physically slow, forgetful to the point of stupidity, gullible, naïve, can't always see what's right there, can't do more than two tasks at a time, gets emotionally attached too easily and distracted in literally nanoseconds? I feel like such a stupid waste of space and had to quit my job because people there genuinely didn't give a fuck about me or my wonky brain and didn't care when I was upset to the point of a panic attack. I'm at a really low ebb right now.

Hiya there,

Let me just say that you have my sympathy here - when employment goes wrong it really takes a toll on your confidence and it can feel like you’ve got no worth. Even though you’re upset just now, I’m really glad you’ve reached out to us because it shows you’re looking to the future! 

I don’t know you well enough to pluck the perfect job for you out of thin air, but my general advice is to think about what things you do which make you feel unique? What are things that other people don’t do, but you can? What aspects of your personality make you proud?

Taking your list of qualities, the positive qualities I can see about you is that you take directions literally, focus on one task at a time, and have a lot of empathy. Off the top of my head, you might suit work at:

An animal shelter! While there’s a bit of physical work, you’ll be able to spend a lot of time helping animals be social and the tasks will be fairly structured. I spent a day or two helping out at a cat shelter once and it wasn’t too difficult cleaning the pens, keeping cats company and helping get the right food to the right cats. 

Library work! Another situation where you can help people while following direct and literal instructions. Once you get into the swing of things, you’ll be re-shelving books in time to your heartbeat! Libraries are great for people with anxiety, since they’re calm and familiar. 

Tour/Museum guide! The great thing about tourists is that they’re not particularly fast, either! It might take a wee while for you to remember your script, but you’ll never be unsure of where to go next and you wouldn’t be blamed for keeping note-cards. 

Modelling! This might be a bit of a fantastic one, but keep an eye out for chances to model for art schools, adverts, and so on. I often see people asking for hand-models for nail art, for example!

Cashier! Slightly less glamorous, but I’ve been a cashier in a supermarket and in a regular shop and after letting my colleagues know what dyspraxia makes difficult for me, I’m thriving. Serving customers at a till is a sort of rhythm in itself and supervisors tend to keep you on the right track.

Tutoring! This depends on whether or not you have a skill (such as a musical instrument) or strength in academic subjects, but when you’re a tutor you’re in charge of what you do, and you can follow a workbook to keep yourself focused.

Finally, the fact that the people at your old job didn’t look out for you is a BIG red flag. If they knew you had difficulties and let you struggle, you probably have a case against them, legally. If you’re in the UK, the Equality Act should protect you from discrimination for mental health and dyspraxia, for instance. I’m not sure if there are equivalents in other countries, though. If you feel up for it, I’ll cheer you on if you want to follow the legal path!

Hang in there friend. We know how tough it can be.Tea