#i say things on here I wouldn't say irl because this is where i vent thoughts that are harsh. please respect my privacy

[anotherpapercut]

I love when I'm talking to someone and someone else who I don't know like that butts in to ask a really personal question that informs the conversation they are not a part of

[tricksterlatte]

I saw someone on the bird website point out that just because people disagree with a fellow fan doesn't give them the right to bully or harass said fan, especially in such cruel ways (they were body shaming a well known Overwatch person because she shared a selfie, and the hate originated from her opinions on the character).

It's been driving me crazy how people somehow forgot you can disagree with someone's opinions without being an asshole. Why do we condemn bigotry or cruelty when it's directed at our friends, but hurl it out ourselves when opportunity arises to bash someone we dislike? It just makes me so sad.

This isn't about a specific situation but it's a problem i've noticed over the years. I have been both a perpetrator and a victim of this (if I said otherwise, I'd be a liar. I've been on the internet since I was 10 and have been active in multiple fandoms), but I don't want to contribute whatsoever to that type of environment anymore. We have to talk the talk and walk the walk with this one, or we will continue to be miserable. If you dislike something or someone, either communicate if this person is supposed to matter to you or vice versa, or just block them, mute them, unfollow them. Whichever suits your comfort level for whatever the situation may be. If you hate something or someone but still proceed to follow them, check their profile, and grab screenshots or QRTs to make fun of them, whether with petty jabs or actual bigotry and cruelty, you are not only making other people into targets. You are sending yourself into a spiral that will only harm you in the long run.

I know how addicting social media can be. I know how the instant gratuitous relief can feel when you vent about something within an echo chamber. And I don't think the answer is just don't vent, don't misconstrue my words. I think the answer is does this make you happy? I don't think this type of habit makes anyone happy. I know sometimes people change, and I really hope people can and do.

I don't say this as an accusation or to be mean myself, I say this as someone who suffered on my own end, not only from taking the brunt of harassment but also from indulging it on occasion. I used to be horrible about this type of fixation on things I hated within fandom during my prime days in my earliest tumblr fandoms, and I nearly fell into this trap again over the past few years. My irl situation was entering a state of despair, and during those times, without anyone trustworthy that shared these spaces with me and that knew me well in return, fandom felt like the one place where I had a semblance of control. That doesn't excuse belittling people. It never does. A reason is not justification.

It's a special type of hell, for example from my personal experience, to receive dozens of suibait anons about fanfic you published, whether it was from things I left blatantly tagged and easily avoidable, over my writing not being as good as others' within these spaces, or because people admitted they were envious of something outside of my control. Or people making fun of my cosplay photos or treating me as an object to be sexualized, no matter who they were or how they identified. I had old Retrospring anons sent that exploited my vulnerability regarding events only certain groups knew about, trying me during my worst of times. When I vaguely discussed them on other websites, without sharing things being said to protect myself and to not spread drama, I was largely told I was overreacting and to just delete them. Which I did, but they kept coming. I deleted anonymous ways of contacting me and closed off most forms of contact with fandoms other than a few long running places I've known for years (thank you WWD crew you guys are the GOAT). But even so. If I didn't have the person who is now my wife there for me at the right time, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Not everyone experiencing this type of thing has anyone there for them at all.

I have a tendency to ramble, so I'll summarize here: the only type of toxicity that will ever bring people joy is toxic yaoi, toxic yuri, Toxic by Britney Spears, and the Toxic TM from Pokemon. I want to get better myself, and I'm posting this because I hope for the best for anyone who read this. If you disagree with me for this, that's okay too. If you don't think this applies to you, it might not! I don't know you. None of us know each other, which I think should be further incentive to be kind, instead of ample opportunity to be mean. If you have the choice, strive to be kind over the escapism that brings us joy. For some of us, this will be the only kindness we may ever know.

[rabble-dabble]

hi. i know it's been a while and i'm sorry for that.

i guess if you'd just like to know what's going on click the readmore?

if you don't wanna read that though, tldr is that i'm starting to draw hs characters for art practice, and that i'm doing this art "series" (i guess?) for myself to improve. oh, and that life is hard sometimes.

so this isn't really easy to say, and especially not to the internet with a buncha strangers following me (haha) but truthfully, i've been having a hard time both with art and with life lately.

i feel like i'm not keeping up with consistency or the expectations i set for myself with art both on this blog and off. i keep finding myself unsatisfied, disgusted, or just disappointed with how my art turns out, or the ending piece. i feel like i used to know where my art was going, and now i've somehow lost sight. i know the individual things i need improvement on (backgrounds, objects, animals, feet anatomy, colour techniques, body shapes, etc etc etc) but it all just feels like so much and if i get practice on one thing, i stop drawing for a while and i just lose the practice i learned.

so i kinda came up with a solution. draw all the hs characters again - interesting, right? (/s). but i'm not gonna do this for the blog (so, sorry followers). i'm gonna do it for me. no expectations, i don't have a set time limit so no stressing myself, and i just draw the characters as i'd like, trying to improve. this is also to just help myself with wanting to draw again - i draw IRL almost everyday, but nothing that i want or that's...well, artistic/creative. i want to create, like it's eating underneath me in my soul, but i can't find myself to do anything more than pencil sketches.

that kinda brings me to my other problem lately: real life. haha.

if you've been following me long enough, you know i don't really post about my IRL problems here, or especially not to this extent. yeah, i've had my one or two vent posts, but i try to keep it off here because a part of me knows its no benefit to have that kind of depressing, low-self esteem stuff on an art blog that i reblog minecraft and john/kat to.

but truthfully, i don't just wanna pretend it's sunshine and rainbows on here. i'm so tired, and i'm stressed, and i've been through the emotional woodchipper lately that i can barely keep my head on straight. yes, i'm trying to get help for all this (i have a doctors appointment soon, and i'm gonna try and get all my diagnosis in order and get therapy, etc) but i'm not coping well with everything that's been happening to me lately, and i can't keep trucking on the same way i have been like i'm more emotionally stable than i actually am.

i'm sorry if i've been acting more bitter, distant, or just different lately. i'm just exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and i'm starting to run out of energy to just function in my day-to-day. i actually cried at work the other day (for the first time!) for feeling so overwhelmed with everything i had to do (both in my job and outside of it, fuck retail btw it sucks). i have small support in friends and family, but they're not the type of support i genuinely need to function and keep myself healthy. and i can't rely on them in ways that aren't their responsibility, or that i truly need help with.

i'm not trying to air out ALL my dirty laundry here (hehehe) but i just felt like it was better to say i'm struggling emotionally then to just pretend i wasn't struggling at all. if i was a healthier person i probably wouldn't be venting here in the first place, but then again i probably wouldn't have all these problems hanging over me either, lol.

just...have patience with me, please. i just want life to be a little kind, or at least kind enough to get me to my first therapy appointment.

[missjanjie]

Need some advice from someone not invested in the situation,so don't mind the vent:

My mother is hell-bent on my returning to complete a degree programme that I was in when I was a teenager (17 or so). Here's the thing though. I was so unhappy doing this programme that I couldn't even go to class without getting anxious or wanting to throw up. Grades-wise, I was fine, I suppose(the pass mark for this particular degree was a B, so 60%). But I grew to hate the programme itself because my anxiety was through the roof.

So, my Registrar saw the state I was in and suggested that I take a break and do an unassociated(heh) Associate Degree till I got myself together mentally. As of currently, I'm the top student in that particular Associate Degree and having a great time(and my anxiety's practically non-existent).

Here's the issues though. My mother hates that I've "downgraded" myself by doing an Associate Degree and continues to insist that I was "tricked" into doing it by the Registrar(who was genuinely trying to help). So,to fix my supposed "mistake", I should immediately return to the original Bachelor's Degree I was doing and complete it (despite the visceral trauma it caused me) because "everyone else in your age group has Master's Degrees and PHDs and you have nothing to show" (I'm 22).

But the thing is, why not get a Bachelor's Degree in a different subject area? I'm not opposed to higher education at all,but she's so fixated on the original Bachelor's Degree (in STEM) that I was doing that she can't let it go. She brings it up every chance she gets. I could be drinking a glass of water and she'll find a way to bring it up. Going so far as to say that it's what God wants me to do(I'm sure God wouldn't want me actively having panic attacks while doing what He supposedly wants me to do, but I digress).

So,yeah. What do I do? Where do I even go from here? If I make suggestions about an alternate path,she'll either ignore me, talk over me or segway into talking about my original Bachelor's Degree programme and how I should be graduating right now.

(Sorry for the long rant. Kinda don't have anyone to get my feelings out to IRL.)

unless you live in a weird mensa cult I don’t think people your age have masters/phd’s. people my age don’t have phd’s and only those in specific fields (usually teaching or social work) have masters and im 28.

also i have a little anecdote that while may not provide answers, can offer some perspective. when i was in college i took a feminist studies course and in that class was a 72 year old woman. i initially assumed she was just auditing the class (ie taking it for fun) but she explained to me that she was finishing her degree. i asked her what made her decide then and she told me “sure, i couldve gone back ten years ago or even twenty years ago. but that wasn’t where my journey was taking me.” point being, your journey is yours alone

there isn’t really anything you can do about your mom if you still live with her or are otherwise financially dependent on her except stay the course until you’re able to get out on your own or something like that. im assuming you’re not american based on some spelling, so i don’t really know the university system there so i could be off base

[goatlingsvent]

I entered a raffle that cost real irl money to enter once, and prize was gonna be a full suit, they co oped the raffle with someone who eventually backed out, meaning their funds dropped so they can only offer like a partial.

I had no problems personally with any of this despite right off the bat red flags and some sketchiness here and there. Wasn't their fault their friend backed out, after all and I'd be happy to win something like this at all.

Even though it's technically illegal to host a pay to enter raffle, as that's legally a lottery, regardless of where the money was gonna go.

I entered through Google forms, with a simple design but rather rare-ish fursona species, it wasn't a mammel and was a bird that while very unique was somehow overshadowed by the number of horses, goats, deer and even somehow centipedes amongst all the uncommon fursona species there are.

I've only seen this species existing because I specifically searched for potential makers but all of them either didn't make the suit themselves and didn't mention who did or were inactive with no way to reach them.

I didn't win the "raffle". That was ok and I even forgot about them and the design for a while, few months even. They actually ended up having did made a fursuit for my design- but they didn't consult me and even were gonna keep it for themselves, but after a week got bored of it and decided to sell it off.

I before they finished making him, offered to buy him on two separate but unrelated account. I then offered again, much more than they were selling for with catch id need a payment plan but also offered not just cash but physical costom made merch as I could offer that deal, I had a t-shirt print shop near where I lived.

They lied to my face saying they never saw my design before, the design I entered into their paid to enter raffle through Google forms. So again, a fucking lie. So even though I was willing bust out 1000$ more than what they were as for they still wouldn't budge and sold to the "easy pickings".

Cherry on top? They're a Christrain furry too. Not all Christians are anti-queer, but also lupisvulpes I'm HIGHLY suspicious of any furry who claims to be Christrain and also goes around doing scummy things period.

Lesson here? Don't enter raffles you have to PAY to enter even if they promise a chance full suit. Not worth it. And hold your ground harder.

Sorry for the long vague posting, I needed to vent.

🧦

[aikoiya]

Writing Sins - The Importance of Establishing the Rules of Your Fanfic

Pardon me, ya'll, while I vent.

Because oh my gosh...

I just read a story a while ago... An admittedly well-written story for the most part... but the Fem!Reader in it was after another woman. Now, if that was the end of it, then whatever. She's gay, now let's move on. (Well, technically, she was bi. The whole point of the story was that she'd eventually get together with this one mafia bossman, but I digress.)

But it wasn't. The narrative was that she expected to have "plenty of cute little babies" with this woman &...

Already this was delusional, but to top it all off, the setting was in a place inspired by Victorian England & she was not only a rich girl, but the heiress & only child of her family.

This... entire situation... was patently impossible!

I asked how this was supposed to be possible & the reply I got was something along the lines of "anything's possible for lesbians 😃" & I was like "No, it's not! In fact, this specifically, is not possible for lesbians! The entire reason they are considered lesbians is because neither have the necessary equipment to make it possible! If they did, then they wouldn't be lesbians! Because lesbianism is a sexuality, which the entire point of sexuality is that they are based on a person's preference for a certain, specific biological sex!!"

I just... the thing is... if this were an A/B/O situation then at least then there'd be a logical & biological explanation because 1 of the women wouldn't actually be female (which, remember, is a sex, not a gender, meaning it's immutable & not subject to change), she'd be a hermaphrodite (which is a sex based on the myth of Salmacis & Hermaphroditus in which a male & female become fused into a single entity that possesses the reproductive organs of both sexes & doesn't occur naturally in humans; distinctly different from being intersex as intersexuality is a sexual mutation & even in such situations they are either sterile or only one of their reproductive organs actually work, thus making them not true hermaphrodites), which would've been a good enough explanation for me as to how this would work, but the impression I got was that these girls would just... wishful think these theoretical children into existence because, as it stood, both were biologically female, as neither were indicated to be transwomen or hermaphrodites, & thus neither had the literal gonads to do it... And there was no mention of getting a donor...

There wasn't even a suggestion that in this world there was some way to fertilize an egg using stem cells like they're trying to do IRL. Which, in & of itself deserves an entire rant all on its own, but that's not what we're talking about here, this is about writing! So, ONWARDS!!

So... No... Just no... If you're going to make this sort of assertion at least give a biologically sound explanation as to how.

Admittedly, this universe had magic, but at the same time, you can't just say "its magic" or "a wizard did it" without explaining how the wizard did it. Magic isn't a fix-it button that makes anything & everything possible with the wave of your hands! It's a narrative device that needs to have rules! Otherwise, there's no real conflict because the characters can just ✨️magic✨️ their problems away!

Yes, Star VS the Forces of Evil's magic was like that in a lot of ways, but that's because that was just how their magic system worked & the show establishes it as such, which means that you know going in what to expect: chaos. If you wanna go that way, then sure. Go ahead, but at least bring attention to the situation & give a bullshit excuse for the why & how.

That isn't even taking into account the fact that, realistically, a rich family in a world where the media isn't at the forefront of everyone's consciousness manipulating everyone. SPECIFICALLY, in a world that is inspired by VICTORIAN ENGLAND!! Would NEVER allow this without being ostracized & labled social pariahs & the daughter a degenerate or sexual deviant & the whole family lynched. (That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I digress.)

Part of the entire themeing of Victorian England is that they were repressed & puritan & all about facades & false perfection, to the point where sex was more of a business transaction! That's part of why it's such a compelling thematic location. Because then you get to juxtapose it with a character or characters that break the mold & challenge societal norms. Otherwise, it isn't a very good inspiration!

Not only that, but this girl was the only fucking child of this wealthy family which would, realistically, put even more pressure on her to find a man to marry & have the children of!

The very idea that this family would actively support such a union in this veerrry specific situation, is just ludicrous. Which, in the story, they just... did... & in a way that made it seem as if the situation was perfectly normal & would not cause consequences. Namely, them having to eventually forfeit their fortune to some other part of the family, if not an entirely different family that they were unrelated to, when neither their daughter nor her wife produced an heir... (Which, if the parents had been painted as loving & accepting & supportive, then I would've been willing to believe as them being willing to accept those consequences for the sake of their daughter's happiness. But they weren't. They were your typical, rich, snobbish, emotionally constipated, socialite parents that stifle & control their spoiled, & equally emotionally constipated children for their own benefits.)

Hell, the author could've kept the whole "female lead living in oppressive society is bi & wants this other girl" thing if they'd have focused on the societal pressure to be straight & produce heirs & how difficult it was to be bisexual/lesbian in a place & time where such things were subject to cruelty. But they didn't. It was just normal & there were no consequences whatsoever to being like that. Which was, by far, the most unbelievable part of the situation.

These impossibilities weren't even mentioned, let alone addressed, as if with the expectation that those reading would just be like, "I see no logical discrepancy here! This is a plausible situation that can absolutely happen in this specific setting!"

Listen, ya'll, I am willing to stretch my suspension of disbelief pretty far so long as you give even a half-hearted attempt at making the plot at least SEEM plausible. Hell, even a bullshit explanation that at least sounds like it could possibly work (but really couldn't if you think hard enough) would've gotten a pass.

And if the story just had one of these many logical fallacies, I might have been more willing to swallow the bullshit, but it wasn't.

It was all of them on top of each other & I just couldn't.

Look, write whatever you want, but if you're posting this stuff, expect to get criticism. That's just how the world works! And if you do post writing with plot points that are factually impossible based on common sense, without *clearly stated* alterations to the basic rules of life, then don't expect all of those reading to be on board!

Let me make this clear. This isn't a complaint based on discrimination. Well, okay, maybe discrimination... specifically against bad writing... I physically cannot read something that is badly written.

Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting anyone to write anything worthy of a Pulitzer or whatever. I'm just asking for a reasonable explanation!

Good day!

Aikoiya's Writing Tips Masterlist

[anotherghoul666]

Could I, maybe also, ask a question? The vibe check was interesting, and now I'm curious. I need to look for a new job. How might that search go?

Of course darling, anything you want you may ask!

Well you are obviously at the start of that job searching process. With the Fool right there as a first card, it's either you're still at your old job, you've decided you need to find a new one, but you're contemplating how to go about it; or you recently lost your old job or quit, and you're on the verge of starting the search. I don't think there's been any big, concrete action taken yet towards that goal, and you need to get going.

Now, the good part first: you are 100% capable of finding this new job, and finding something that will suit you better than the previous one. You find it difficult to abide by social norms / neurotypical expectations and ways of life. You gotta find something that suits your excentricity next, a space where you'll be comfortable being fully yourself. It's about time, you deserve your job to be a safe space for once. You have literally an unlimited amount of doors to check out / open in front of you, especially in today's employment climate. It's the employers that have the short end of the stick right now, so take advantage of that. Your options and opportunites will be near limitless. Approach change with optimisn and open arms. Change is good, we're aiming for a change in the established structures here, renewal and fresh air. You have everything you need within to make this happen. You have the willpower to take the necessary steps, you're conscientious enough to make intelligent choices, you're logical. Think outside of the box, maybe be more creative or wild in your search. Look for stuff you wouldn't typically look for. Try out for jobs that interest you but you don't have the qualifications for. Take wild guesses. There is unlimited potential when you channel your authentic self into a task, so use your experience and knowledge to reach for something wild and cool that inspires you.

Now for the less good part: dude, honestly, this job search experience is likely gonna suck. People are gonna waste your time. You're gonna go for ads that say one thing and once you've gone through the effort of interviewing, you'll find out something like the salary or the position isn't what was advertised. You'll get cancellations. You'll get no replies when you were owned some. You'll interview three times to never hear back from the company. You'll feel isolated and alone through the experience. Don't let that win. Break the isolation. Vent to people. Your family, be it blood family or found family, irl or online, will support you through it, but only if you reach out. You gotta rant and be pissed off freely to make this bearable. Don't do this alone.

Now, I don't like to give strict time periods for any "predictions" because that's not how I read, but! I cannot ignore that those three cards give the exact same time frame. That's too cheeky to not mention. Spring, 88 days which covers spring almost perfectly from now and before july which, guess what, is basically spring. I feel before midsummer you'll be set somewhere new. Take that with a grain of salt though because I do not read for future predictions or precise timelines at all.

[ruiination]

RULES

topaz. he/they. 25+ blogs: warrior of light. / personal / makoto yuki

Meta Rules:

I am a person and am bipolar. I have episodes of intense depression and also moments of extreme anxiety/paranoia. During these extremes, I will shut myself out from others. This is because I know I can be harmful when it comes to my thinking. I can be incredibly negative and accidentally vent or overshare. I can become irrationally fearful or obnoxious. I am in treatment for these things, and the biggest thing I know is that I can be harmful and be easily harmed. I have had a variety of experiences where I have accidentally crossed lines or slipped into toxic bullshit. I have been manipulated and hurt during these episodes. The best thing for me in these situations is to give me space. I need to protect myself during these times. I need to be alone. I am reluctant to be open because of past experiences. I know I cannot act rationally and can make stupid choices. I can become snippy or traumadump. I can allow people to walk on my boundaries during these periods. I have been manipulated multiple times to do and share things I am not comfortable with. On that subject, I am always open to talking or hearing people out. But if I am having an episode of depression, I will not be capable of listening to people vent. When I am manic, I get incredibly anxious or hyper. The anxiety can turn into downright paranoia which is why I cannot handle vagueblogging and stuff during those times. I am not making excuses. I am just letting everyone know that I sometimes need space. I need patience. I may still write. But I will not be able to speak much ooc. It is not personal. But sometimes I just struggle. It is a struggle a lot of the time. I wanted to add this into my rules even if it makes me so nervous to do it.

I try my best to tag triggers, so if you need something tagged let me know.

Sexism and racism will not be tolerated, you will be blocked. If you post anything transphobic, homophobic, or biphobic, I will block YOU

If you ship adult/minor ships or condone that stuff, do not interact.

I can and will block if people make me uncomfortable.

I will never write incest.

If you are here because of Jay or whatever, here is my post about his little stunt and the photo of my original DNI (which i posted as a screenshot from my Clive blog so it wouldn't so up on searches) is on the bottom of the page. ♥ I am thankful for all of the support, but I do not want to talk about him. If you have found one of his blogs, you can feel free to let me know.

In terms of triggers, I try my best to keep up. But it's not easy for me to tag not standard ones. If you are triggered by dogs, violence, mental illness, and childhood trauma this may not be the blog for you.

If you constantly delete/move your blogs, I might be hesitant to interact with you.

I am white irl and I do write a few poc. If you see me so anything wrong and you are a poc, feel free to educate me. I'm always trying to learn and be better. I have a zero tolerance policy about racism. I will not speak over poc. If they tell me something is a microagression or downright racist, I'm only going to listen. I can't possibly know their lived experience and trust their perspective. Please reach out if you see anything from me I need to correct!

I'm queer. I am genderfluid with a masc lean. Assigned female at birth. I have a zero tolerance policy about about hate toward lgbt+ people and misogyny. I will say something to you if it seems unintentionally done. But yeah.

I am incredibly uncomfortable around much of the following fandoms: final fantasy xvi , danganronpa, and baldur's gate 3. Still willing to follow or interact but I may be hesitant.

Interaction Rules:

Asks can ALWAYS be replied to.

All muses are crossover friendly and OC friendly.

Do not force me to ship or smut.

I'm mutuals only.

If you are a multi muse and send an ask or like a starter call without specifying what muse you are sending from, I won't answer. If you don't specify a muse you want from me when you send asks, I won't answer.

I don't use icons for certain muses. I do not have time to make icons for 60+ muses.

I have 4 different muse sections which are to indicate activity. Primary muses are the most active and accepting. where each section below it becomes less active or accepting. I also added a feature muse to indicate the character I have the most muse for right now which will be the MOST active.

I will no longer be writing smut rps. It doesn't make me comfortable for a variety of reasons. I may do some on discord and I am happy to talk about those sorts of headcanons, but I have discovered that I have hang-ups with writing things like that that I have not been able to push past. I will enact a fade to black policy for now. I am truly sorry. I have only had a handful of partners I have written this type of content with and all but one have resulted in the same outcome that is just a personal failing of mine. I will continue to try to work through this. But for now, please try to be understanding. If you want more of an explanation, feel free to ask in dms/ims.

Shipping/Mains Rules

If you are a main or ship partner, I need to be able to kinda talk to you ooc. I only will be mains with someone that speaks with me ooc.

If you MAINLY want to smut/ship and that's the only reason you are here, this blog isn't for you.

Mains get priority.

If you become mains or start shipping with be and then never reply or talk to me, I'll remove you from my list. Shipping or being mains should be the start and not the end. That status is not a trophy to be put on your shelf. Exceptions can obviously be made and I'm always okay with low activity or extended breaks. I just ask for communication when possible.

I will typically not be exclusive.

Credits

Icon Templates: cassiaslair, somresources, calisources, paletterph, thunderousmemes, stephysource, biscuit, supersources

Coloring psds: abstraect, somresources, tattooedtaemin, calisources, freerps, biscuit.

Caps: capsource

dividers: here, and paletterph

Mains

@nivaera.

@cagedfirebird

@unrealization

[hot-take-tournament]

sorry if my take sounds deeply incomprehensible i just kept going back on submitting it and knew if i didn’t ramble it all out in one take i was gonna chicken out again LMAO

don't worry about it at all!

i think an incoherent infodump every once in a while is good for the soul!

look, if we're being totally candid -

i have pretty severe adhd comorbid with bipolar disorder, which i do my best to mask - yeah yeah, i know you're not supposed to, but i doubt i'll ever truly shake the shame, especially given the things i've done as a result of failing to mask, both online and irl (the latter being much, much worse) - so i've resolved to do it for the rest of my life

i did talk a little bit about what i was like on my main blog here, which you might need for context:

(speaking of which, please don't actually follow or even go to my main blog just because you like this one - i'm 100% fucking serious. i'm a very different person over there to the point of being almost unrecognisable, even to myself - and i guarantee that side of myself wouldn't recognise me either; we're like two parts of a very fucked up whole. so for that reason i want to keep these two blogs separate; like i said, i'm bipolar, so that's where i let the venom out, and when i feel joyful again, i come back here. i'm more active here anyway, to the point where i basically consider this my main blog now - i mean, my bio isn't even up to date over there)

the point is although i plan to mask for the rest of my life, even i'm partial to an unprompted infodump or oversharing session every once in a while

that's the reason i want this blog to be a safe place for people to vent/infodump/just share their wildest takes anonymously, while still having a little fun by making it a tournament - it's partly to atone in a cringe kinda way, but also because this dumbass site has actually been a huge source of support in some of the darker points in my life

it's almost ironic in a weird way - i spent so much time targeting other people for their mental health problems, but when i had some of my own i came crawling back to those same people. maybe karma does exist lol

no, i didn't ever interact with any of them; but just lurking on their blogs and reading their posts helped normalise what i was going through when i felt so alone after receiving my diagnosis; though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe a year earlier i would've seen those same posts and done my level best to make them feel like shit for it just for the sake of a little dopamine hit

i'm a proud airhead, but i'm not naive - i'm not going to lie to you and say that tumblr is a safe space, partly because nowhere on the internet is safe, partly because i've read some of your takes and they terrify me, but mostly because i'm living proof of how awful this site can be

but i do want to at least create one semi-safe place on the internet after ruining so many other people's

jesus i'm fucking crying that's new lol

anyway sorry for taking your incoherent infodump and exchanging it with one of my own, that's probably more info about me than you ever wanted to know

but i hope this provides a little context for why i decided to start this blog

the point i was actually trying to make, because i'm pretty sure i never actually responded to what you were saying - never feel embarassed to submit anything! trust me, i totally get it; but i promise, even when i make jokes about some unhinged takes, it's all light-hearted, and if it ever comes across otherwise, please let me know! <3 <3 <3

i'm gonna take a quick break, i'll catch up with you all again later

[gnzma]

6, 7, and 8 !!

also 21 and 22

[ gio spills the tea ; ACCEPTING ]

6. dash commentary ; also asked by @battlesfought

[ another dashcomm thing, if i see the height discourse again i think i will blow up fr

also i'm so glad we moved past the soup discourse. i know i'm treating with the devil over here by bringing it up but im SO glad ]

7. excessive ooc

[ okay, i think i have to make a distinction here. like for me "excessive ooc", as in writing ooc posts? that's more than fine, we all need to write things down, vent, or even just write a lot of updates or talking about stuff we enjoy!!

my big problem with excessive ooc comes when someone uses their rp blog exactly as a personal. like of course anyone can use their blogs as they please, but i remember years ago i ended up unfollowing a good friend (we're still friends now btw!!) because they really kept reblogging shitposts, memes and IRL news and posted, like. one thread every 10 posts that have nothing to do with their muse ]

8. DNIs in rules

[ eeeeeeeeh okay uh let's say i have my beef with this because. other than the usual "hey don't interact if you follow idk aku or smth", most of the times i had to deal with DNIs were from people who were like. Really Not Good? at all?

like im talking transphobes starting obviously fake shit with my friend group because we called em out for that transphobia, or people who ended up being much worse than the people in their DNIs. of course, if it helps someone feel safer, i see no problem with that!! i just wish said rule had a link to. idk proper sources or something, because all i can think of is "hey remember that one terf who tried to say we were sexist for not shipping with them?" ]

21. violent threads

[ GRABS i love violent threads so much i love blood and gore and. wheres that one tiktok where that guy goes YESSS WE'RE DRAWINGGG TWO MEN AND THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL EACHOTHER AND THE WRATH OF GOD AND THE WIND ARE MAKING THEM BLEED??? bc thats me fr ]

22. your current RPC; also asked by @battlesfought

[ WELL i talked about the pokemon RPC time to be. both positive and negative, i guess? about the SCP one!!!

because the few people who rp para are incredible. we're like, seven, eight at best? and they're hilarious we can manage to go from shenanigans to horror to angst to. fucking. mass panic at a containment breach and even if none of us is super active it's always a delight to see one pop up and quickly followed by literally everyone else

on the other. it unfortunately suffers of the "famous internet fandom" RPC disease where a lot of people play... i wouldn't say "badly", that's rude, but in a way i can't vibe with at all. most of the RP blog are actually IC blog that occasionally (which means. 20% of the time) end up having in character dialogues that fill the dash and 0 respect for rules and general RP etiquette like reblogging from source and whatnot, and once again since i'm here playing the arguably "fandom favorite" researcher i'm!already!!so tired of the people who come to me expecting to immediately play their husband!!!

so idk. i'll be in my corner with my cLiQuE being silly and cry because i just want a 076 to bully is it too much to ASK ]

[atrashcanraccoon]

Y'ALL I HAVE FINAL EXAMS FROM TOMORROW AND I'M IWAOI-ING

but like nvm, here's the next part

this is the part where i copy-pasted my irl convo w my bestf i was such a simp god fucking dammit but like i mentioned, i didn't do the lil notes thing bc he was a piece of shit

okay okay now read part 2

not beta read, ergo all mistakes are mine alone.

happy reading!

-d

(⁠/⁠¯⁠◡⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠◡⁠)⁠/⁠¯⁠ ⁠~⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

Classes dragged on and then it was lunchtime, the time when history gets written because nothing sane ever happens during lunchtime.

Oikawa was busy with his fangirls and surprisingly, Makki was separated from his darling Mattsun and Hajime was struck with a dumb plan that would probably rival the likes of that chibi-chan from Karasuno (Kageyama-kun vents a lot sometimes, Hajime's learnt to deal with it). 

And so, for the first time in his life, Iwaizumi Hajime was going to do something he’s never done before (and hopefully never will again)— tell Mattsun about his dumb idea and ask him for help.

Asking Mattsun had its own set of risks. Hajime knows for a fact that anything that Mattsun knows, Makki knows it too, by default. Ergo, if he does tell his idea to Mattsun, Makki would know. Then again, his friends might be assholes, but they’re never deliberately cruel; moreover, as long as Oikawa isn’t told anything, Hajime literally couldn’t care any less.

If Oikawa needs to know anything, he would hear it from my mouth, or he wouldn't hear it at all. This thought ringing in his head, Hajime determined to get this done with.

Once and for all.

“Oi,” Hajime gruffly called out. “I have an idea and I need you to talk me out of it.”

Mattsun didn’t gasp out dramatically, true, but he was close. He lazily turned towards Hajime, an interested twinkle in his eye, “Don’t hold out on me, Iwaizumi.”

Hajime regretted telling Mattsun anything, but he knew the saying ‘you made your bed, so lay in it’ and decided to dig a deeper hole for himself. 

God, this is fucking embarrassing. “I like someone and I was thinking about writing…love notes for them because I can.”

The other boy was seconds away from laughing, not that he’d ever tell Iwaizumi that. 

And here I was, thinking he had a better chance of realisation than Kyotani-kun— but never mind that, Issei has a friend to help out.

“Okay. How are you going to do it? Where? When? Fill me in with the details.”

Hajime was surprised at how easily Mattsun seemed to be taking this in stride with minimal intrusiveness, but continued, “I was thinking I’d just drop it in h- their bag or something, they’ll get to read it later. Or whatever.”

“I just had this wild thought, Iwaizumi.”

“What.”

“Why don’t you just declare your undying love for him? Face to face?”

“Him? What? I didn’t-”

“Save it Iwa-chan. The entire team except Captain himself knows. For God’s sake, we’ve been placing bets on you two getting it on for two years now.”

Hajime was shocked, in the least. He knew for a fact that he wasn’t too obvious with his affections (oh, who was he kidding? He was head over heels in love with the other boy) because Oikawa wasn’t dense; but for the entire team to be aware of it all? That was a scary prospect. 

Hajime soldiered on, “That’s...besides the point. Right now, I want you to tell me that whatever I’m thinking is a bad idea and stop me from doing it.”

Mattsun looked sorry. Hajime hated that look. 

“Look man, what’s the worst that could happen if you write notes for Oikawa? You’d be awkward for two days, then go back to your chummy selves? Now, think about the best thing that could happen. You and Oikawa could be together— best friends to lovers arc— who, i don't know, adopt chickens and play volleyball till the end of time. There’s nothing to lose, Iwaizumi. You won’t lose anything.”

Trust me on that, Issei silently pleaded.

To be honest, he still doesn’t know why he is so devoted to knowing about his best friends’ love lives, but Issei has a fleeting thought that it’s most probably because of the lack of romance and Hiro in his life.

“I have so many questions right now, starting from the arc shit to the chickens, but fuck all that. What was it again? Lack of what?” Iwaizumi grinned and Issei pouted. Nearly. The look on Iwa’s face said that seeing Issei in such a state has lifted his rather sombre mood.

“Please tell me I did not say that out loud.”

Another voice that sounded suspiciously like Hiro’s answered, “You did say it out loud. Issei, darling, do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to know if you feel the same as I do?”

Issei couldn’t believe his ears.

“What?”

Hajime looked positively invested, his usually tired eyes gleaming in the knowledge that his two other best friends can no longer use plausible deniability and run from their feelings. Or whatever.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” Hajime teased, not hiding his excitement. “You heard the guy. He likes you, you like him, now go on a fucking date.”

Issei mentally groaned. That damn drama addict, he and Captain are meant for each other.

Issei faced Hiro and hesitantly asked, “You...like me? Really?”

Hiro’s eyes softened and oh, Issei could see the unmistakable fondness directed at him—

—then he had to open his mouth and Issei was reminded of why he started having feelings for Hiro in the first place. “No, I like your mom.”

With a charm he usually didn’t possess, Issei approached Hiro and let out an appreciative noise when Hiro wound his arms around his neck and whispered, “Kiss me now, will you?”

When Issei came up for air after furiously plundering his boyfriend’s mouth, he noticed that Iwaizumi had already left. Deciding to talk to the stoic boy, sooner or later, he turned back to Hiro. He’d already wasted precious time, he’s not willing to waste anymore.

"Hiro- wait- we still have to talk about all this, you know that right?"

"Yes, my little chicken leg, we should, but for now, talking can wait. I can think of something better to do."

Hajime couldn't be happier for his friends, the mere smiles on their faces assuring him of their joy; but somewhere in his heart, it ached.

Why isn't it that easy for me to tell Oikawa? There's also the fact that I've known that dumbass for years, so how hard can it be? It's high time I did something about this.

Thus resolving to go ahead with his idea, Hajime went looking for Oikawa, knowing that he wouldn't have had his lunch yet, that lovable idiot.

ᕦ⁠[⁠ ⁠◑⁠ ⁠□⁠ ⁠◑⁠ ⁠]⁠ᕤ

end of part 2

[unma]

Uh, mentions of suicide (not attempted, but considered) and suicidal ideation under the cut I guess. And lots of talk about my depression. And a bit of oversharing. Did I say this blog wasn't for venting? Well, I'm unpacking these things as I write them so please be kind with me, okay?

Still thinking about my memory and how it's gone from me being proud of remembering the most specific stuff to barely being able to remember anything past a certain point save for really specific mostly intensely painful (usually mental) periods of my life.

I don't think it's memory issues (or at least the kind where I'm simply incapable of actually recalling things or putting moments into long term memory). I just think that there isn't much for me to remember in my day to day life outside of the internet.

I spend most of my time moping around, looking forward to the day where I'll be free of everything that has plagued me. The optimism younger me had about leaving this life behind and becoming a new me is gone, replaced with a me that has accepted the reality that it would be a long struggle to get to that day that I'm happy. I already had to pull myself out of the pit that was wanting to actively end it all, and now I wallow in despair wondering if it'll happen anyway.

it was only weeks ago (or perhaps months? Time has begun to blur for me since forever ago) that I found out I had friends who were glad I wasn't dead. IRL friends, in specific, as I wasn't too open about my struggles online, for obvious reasons. I mean, I was also gone from this blog for a year or 2 due to related matters, so obviously no one online would know about any of this since I wasn't here.

Back on track, I had a classmate of mine call to see if I was still okay and doing fine. I wouldn't call him that close of a friend—he's the type of person who's an asshole on purpose but friendly enough, so you can tell when he's taking a piss and when he's being genuine, but he doesn't pull it off nearly as well as a much closer friend of mine—but he was one of the few I'd let know that I wanted to die. Even though I'd made it clear ages ago that I wouldn't ever pick up a knife, he was still glad to know I was okay. And upon mentioning that to others who knew about my woes, they all responded that they too were glad that I was doing okay. It felt nice to be cared for.

So it's a shame that the only way I can talk to any of these people is online.

There isn't much for me to look forward to offline. My family's awful, as you can probably tell from today's posts, I hate most of the people I know in church (not to mention that being agnostic and having a horrid experience with the church growing up makes that place a living hell to be in) and there's nowhere for me to go outside. Not to mention it's way too hot. No really, I tried to go for a walk outside today and didn't even make it an intersection before the sun made me turn back. And I'm the one who used to wear hoodies in the blaring sun before I moved. It's way too hot here in the summer.

Every time I try to improve something about myself, be it my posture or not spending all my time in my room, I'm reminded ever so swiftly of why I'm like this now. At some point I resolved to sit in the living room often, but every evening my dad would come home and yell about something that had gone wrong, and because I was the only one nearby I'd be the only one subject to that yelling. And then I remember the reason I never left my room was because child me realized that greeting my mom when she came home from work was never worth it because she would 100% send us to do chores. And she wondered why no one ever greeted her when she came home anymore.

There's a lot of things the internet has done to me that would make me wish I got on here when I was older. But it pales in comparison to how much good it's done for my life. How much it's shaped me into a much better.

And the fact that I'm still alive, I guess.

I think often about how my dad once told me he knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I thought "Do you know your son doesn't want to live anymore?" I still wonder if he'll ever find out. If he'll ever realize that the pressure he and my mom placed on me to get better academically, even as I was one of the best performing students and simultaneously already struggling to keep up with the stress from maintaining those scores. I wonder if they'll ever understand that the hate I feel for them is not childish rage at not getting my way—not a rage that will fade as I grow older and wiser in life—but a deep hatred that will never fade until I'm free of them forever.

I wonder if they'll ever realize that they were horrible parents. Even now they're constantly blindsided by the effects of their own bad parenting. Effects that I, the oldest child, continued to point out to them when they first showed up. Things that I very clearly told them needed to be corrected.

Perhaps the fact that I had to point out that they were failing at being proper parents to my younger sister constantly as I grew up is just another sign of my shitty upbringing. One in which I was forced to learn to be mature at a young age. To be the smart one. Above breaking the rules, above being playful and immature. Perhaps it's no wonder in the end that I simply stopped caring, when fun was something I continually had to fight for, and stress was simply the norm. Even now, as I think back on my past, most of what I remember was the time and effort I spent. How proud I was to pull an all-nighter to finish handwriting my Business Studies notes, as if my rides to school were not already spent frantically catching up on my CRS notes.

My school-assigned advisor once told me that I had to deprioritize writing to spend more time focusing on school-related work. I wonder what he'd think if he found out that writing was perhaps the main reason I decided there was still a point to life. I wonder what my mom would think when she agreed with him.

Oh well, it's not like there's a point in dwelling on that.

Point is, well, there really isn't much for me to look forward to or do, other than eat and sleep. Not to mention that most of the things I can do suck or actively make my mental health worse, which is fun.

As for the point of explaining that? Well, I think the reason I can't remember anything is because there isn't anything to remember, or at least anything good. What's the point of actually remembering things if all there is to remember is enraging conversations and anxious waits for things I dread? Perhaps the reason I don't remember much about my life is simply because I stopped having things to be happy about. Outside of the internet, anyway.

If I have any consolation, it's that I can still vividly remember a lot of my time online, where I had fun and made friends and learned to be myself. And when I put it like that, it feels pointless that I've even slightly worried that I spend too much time online, when there's no reason for me to reduce my time online.

That's all my pondering for now, I guess. Really long post, yeah, but today's event made me think about... a lot of things, I guess.

[psalmoftheserpent]

Those aren't the posts I wanted to make, but it got away from me, and I jumped into something I just wanted to say here.

Hi. This is for you.

I'm sure you have never liked this cycle of care and resentment I've gone through with you for years. When I first came here to this community in 2016, I didn't have anyone to help me figure out what was going on save for many people who believed in a lot of bizarre things. I've gone over this in the last couple posts, and how the only people around me endorsed that I must be spiritually derived and thats why I was experiencing this 'angel identity,' and for some people that also meant they were both in the angelkin community, but also others.

This included fictionkin, some believing they were incarnated from different media sources. Now when I was young, I thought that was crazy, and that bothered me a lot. And the thing is, I never really believed that was a valid belief, but I'd be in this flux of thinking--well, it's not hurting anyone, right? And more pathetically, I'd still stick around some of these people because I was alone and had nobody else to reveal this person to. This community and some of the people who I didn't really think were in the right for their beliefs were actually all I had. Cue much identity crisis because this part of me I thought I must be roleplaying never "went away", and his unique pain was still internally very hot to the touch for years, and then I got into delusional headspaces thinking I must be different fictional characters. Now that made me realize--I do NOT feel that way for characters I roleplay. And hadn't this angel been around for longer? Hadn't I, since childhood, experienced episodes of depersonalization where I thought I felt wings, and had places and things I associated with when I identified this whole different mental state?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stuck around you as long as I did, because I often cycled between this feeling of "I truly do not think people incarnate from fictional characters that's unhealthy as hell," and "but this person never hurt me and made me feel special and cared about and they weren't mean?"

I should have just left you sooner. I realize I was so attached because this angel had NEVER revealed himself so vulnerably to someone, I am almost constantly masking and I often kept this identity to blogs others I knew irl wouldn't see. But he was in pain for years. There was something deeply painful about being told someone was in love with you and then not being spoken to for weeks, only for that person's "friends"/other parts of their system to speak to you all the time any other day. I don't know. This was never something I could rationalize. BUT even as I have repressed and ignored Ophaniel, for months at a time, again and again when he would return, I'd just feel so much pain from him. So much resentment and nasty shit--and in the end, I am here now, and I think the conclusion I've come to is--

--Yes, maybe that person didn't mean to hurt me, and maybe they truly believe what they believe. But I do not endorse their beliefs and these beliefs definitely made me more deluded and disconnected. I spent many, many months when I'd be fronting again in pain, wishing for someone who was not there to just say hi again, and writing post on post where I vented and begged that I could just be a better person for them. I think that was an overblown guilt, and I didn't know what to do with myself, because I often apologize for people who hurt me if I don't think it was on purpose.

I know that whatever you have going on, I cannot get behind, and I don't want to be a part of anymore. I'm tired. And I hope that I can heal from this shit because it's awful having a whole person inhabiting yourself that you cannot even let speak because he is sick and miserable and doesn't feel like he can show himself. I have removed you from discord and I wanted to get this off my chest so I'm posting it here. There's like, two people following this blog who might be active and I'm not writing this to be spread some sort of anger, but to get it out of me.

[seakicker]

hey again, i wanted to come back really quickly and clarify on a few things because i've had tons of free time to think since my semester wrapped up and all that. i've been trying to cool my head and destress so hopefully these thoughts are a little more coherent than the post i made on wednesday (2 days ago from the time of this post)

under a cut for length. again, please don't reblog, i would feel a little weird about it, i think. i don't want notes for explaining myself and apologizing.

on the deadnaming comparison

i wanted to start by saying that i never used the word deadnaming in my original spam post about feeling frustrated that people were potentially leaking my irl name and using it to talk about me. i did not use the word either in the context of describing what was happening to me (for instance, i never claimed that i myself was being deadnamed because of course that word doesn't apply here; i'm a cis girl who just uses an internet nickname because i have issues with paranoia and i feel 'safer' using a nickname online) or just as a concept in general; i never said anything like "leaking my name is just as bad as deadnaming" etc. because that wouldn't be true; using my irl name to talk about me wouldn't be as bad as deadnaming and i'm fully conscious of that.

i would never want to claim like "well people took my post out of context!!!! people just misinterpreted what i was saying!!!! if you read it a certain way, that's on you and that's not what i meant at all!!!" because i do completely understand how my post could have potentially come across as me trying to say that using my irl name is no better than deadnaming and because i would never want to fault anyone for interpretation. communication is tricky, and of course intent doesn't always cross over into interpretation and vice versa. it's okay for ppl to be upset with me even if my intentions may not match up with their interpretations and vice versa; everyone has different experiences and i don't want to speak over anyone or make anyone feel guilty, upset, etc. over reading something i said a certain way.

in my post, i said a sentence along the lines of "tumblr always stresses the idea of respecting people's names and nicknames regardless of gender identity" to show that i was frustrated with the idea that people were maybe using my irl name to talk about me. to me, it felt like my privacy and comfort weren't being taken that seriously and that my comfort was an afterthought on a website that always stresses comfort, though i agree i think the "gender identity" bit was a bit of a red herring on my part and i should have just left it at like "why cant people respect my privacy." the post was an emotionally-charged vent post so the things i said were volatile and i don't think i ever would have phrased it that way if i had a clear head, and that's on me for sure. i have a lot of problems with paranoia over being "seen" and "watched" (i don't really know how to phrase this, i apologize) like in a way that conflicts with how i choose to see myself and present myself, and so i freaked out at the prospect of people knowing and using my irl name. there were two instances in my discord server where i accidentally leaked my irl name myself, one via a google drive screenshot that had my irl name in the corner and one where i accidentally connected my youtube account (which had my irl name on it at the time) to my discord profile and these instances caused me a lot of personal stress knowing that there were people who saw it and now "knew" my irl name. of course, it's dramatic of me to expect that anyone who sees my irl name is gonna go "mwahaha now that i know juju's real name, i can RUIN HER LIFE" or something but that's just the nature of paranoia. it's irrational and extremist and so things like the idea of people using my real name, talking about my identity outside of "juju seakicker" other than the things i choose to reveal about myself (that im a psychology major, that im american, etc etc) are hot-button stressors for me.

but regardless of my own personal fears and feelings, i wanted to say again that i'm really, really sorry to anyone who read my post and felt that i was trying to compare my own feelings to the idea of being deadnamed. i can't apologize enough to you and i promise that my intentions were never, ever to compare people using my irl name rather than juju to deadnaming, and i'm so sorry if it maybe reminded you of your own experiences with being deadnamed or mocked. i would never want anyone to feel that i was intentionally trying to appropriate a trans-specific term to use to describe my feelings and worries as a cis girl. for that, i'm really, really sorry and i hope that maybe my explanation made sense above. i was stressed because of outside factors (my family's divorce + finals) and i've already had years and years of issues with paranoia so everything combined made me sort of implode and make a dramatic, poorly-worded vent post on spamkicker.

on the harassment i have received

i would like to say that this does not encompass every negative ask i received. there were about 2-3 genuinely constructive asks asking me to consider my wording relative to the post i talked about above. to the people who were polite and constructive in voicing their concerns and criticisms, thank you. i don't want you to feel like i'm including you when i talk about any and all negative asks i received, because thta's not true. you voiced your feelings maturely and i've been thinking about the things those people said, and it helped me understand why and how my spam post may have come off as me trying to compare what happened to me to deadnaming, so thank you for providing your perspective and commenting.

when i say harassment, i mean the people who sent me fatphobic stuff (like seriously?), death threats, and asks saying that i "deserve" the hate i was receiving. i don't know why internet culture is so caught up with the idea of who deserves what treatment and this idea of "getting what's coming to you" bc i don't think that's constructive and it's just... a weird thing to say. like when you say i deserve the hate i'm getting, do you mean i deserve to have fatphobic things said about me? because i really don't agree.

additionally, i don't want it to try and come off like i'm using the hate i received to deflect from the issue. that's not my goal, but i think it's fair to talk about when it was the #1 reason why i chose to deactivate-- i couldn't deal with comments like that anymore on top of everything else i'm already dealing with, nor should i be expected to just grin and bear hate. again, this is not about criticism and constructive asks, purely the ones that had nothing to do with the situation at hand and were just idk an excuse to call me ugly or something. i won't be posting screenshots simply because i didn't take any; i didn't want to be reminded of some of the fatphobic things people said because they were really hurtful.

i don't really know what else to say about this except i think if you were someone who sent me a death threat or a fatphobic comment rather than a genuine concern, question, or criticism, i think you have some reevaluating of your own to do as well. if you see a post from someone outlining their personal experiences with me and your first instinct is to go like "oh cool i can send anon hate now and nobody would blame me for it" i think that's weird, but i digress.

on my deactivation

like i mentioned above, the violent harassment is what ultimately pushed me to deactivate. in my post on wednesday, i kind of sardonically joked that i was running away from my problems, but i don't think i'd agree with that anymore. i didn't want the harassment anymore and i still hold true that i was already using so much of my mental capacity to deal with the irl events that have been ongoing for months now that i simply had nothing leftover to deal with the events here on tumblr.

of course, you could propose like a "well here's what you should have done instead of deactivating" and i'd agree with you. i agree, i think just turning off anon, taking a break to think, and coming back to address things could have been a better course of action, but there's no point in talking about what i "could" have done since i can't go back in time and undo anything. i agree, i think deactivating was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction on my part, but again, i was dealing with a lot of harassment, stress from my irl life, and paranoid feelings related to my privacy and life. i'm just a normal person at the end of the day and i was dealing with too much and wanted to cut at least something out, and deactivating of course cut out the harassment.

on the future of seakicker

i still don't know. i don't think deciding where i want to write or if i want to write at all should be my priority right now; i've instead decided to prioritize real life events and reflecting on myself as aforementioned. i totally understand that sometimes i can be difficult to deal with because i'm an emotionally impulsive person; i have a short fuse, i'm prone to explosive outbursts of anger, stress, and frustration, and sometimes i have difficulties communicating. i think i would instead like to put my personal emphasis on learning how i can take better steps before lashing out at people and saying things i regret. i think i could learn the "take deep breaths and count to 10" method of self-soothing for sure; i don't want to think about the future of seakicker and how/where/when i'll write until i can learn to be more in touch with myself, my feelings, and how i interact with others.

i consider myself a caring person, and it was hard to pull myself away from tumblr and deactivate because i care about my anons and i care about my friends. i don't think it would be a stretch of the imagination to say that i feel things deeply, and that includes both my negative feelings like frustration, paranoia, and anger and my more positive ones. i care about the community i had built in my time on tumblr and i miss those little interactions in my inbox from people, whether it was like "have a good day" asks and asks congratulating me on my TA position and the like or thirsts, ideas, and the nsfw stuff. i hope that maybe we can meet again and reconnect if i ever feel like using tumblr is something i can reasonably manage again, but i definitely think i should focus on myself, my habits, and my feelings first. hopefully you guys understand and maybe even agree.

at the end of the day, i'm just a normal person too and being a somewhat well-known smut author doesn't undermine that. i still have negative traits, bad habits, and the like. you don't become an emotionless monolith once you become a content creator and so of course there are things i need to work on and will continue to work on, but please just remember that i'm just a person as well. i'm not perfect, and i would never claim to be. i've made mistakes and said/done hurtful things just like everyone else, and i will definitely keep the constructive criticism i have received in my mind as i move forward and work at improving.

this is everything i would like to address, i think. these are the things i felt needed addressing, because the deadnaming comparison was a valid concern/criticism and i wanted to talk about that more than anything else. thank you for taking the time to read this, and i'm sorry if it's awkward for me to post again after i already mentioned saying goodbye. i don't think i have anything else to post after this.

[potatopossums]

I think no matter what, the idea of sex or romance and the reality of those are so hard for me to separate.

I've lived inside my own head for a long fucking time lol. (Thanks, sheltered childhood.) I sustained myself on the idea of things, and the reality of things was rare to ever experience. Reality honestly sucked.

So now that i have the chance to do things in real life, something that i thought i always wanted to do growing up, it can be so confusing to get into it and be like "uh, actually i hate this, nvm."

Like I'm not saying there aren't irl scenarios i haven't enjoyed, and I'm not saying i would never try new things, but i am not about to date someone like it's whatever, or fuck just bc i met someone at the club. That freaks me out. I literally wouldn't date my best friends unless there was a very serious talk about what "date" actually meant, i.e. not actually dating, nothing about the relationship changes at all. i can imagine scenarios where my friends and i could fuck and it turns out enjoyably, and i think those are definite possibilities. But I'm not... chasing that??? Thinking about it is just fine. I don't really mind at all if it never happens, or if it's only talked about. We basically already talk about our good sex/masturbation sessions or vent when we're horny. It's normalized enough that we could potentially do the things I can imagine happening, but i don't really care if they happen or not. I'm cool with them never happening. Because I'm pretty content where I am.

The only thing i actually desire most of the time is physical comfort and touch. Hugs. Cuddles. Physical presence. Mutual rest. Naps. Those are my comfort things, and i love to invite others into my comfort circle when they're hurting or in need of such things. I welcome my friends quite deeply into my nest of pillows and plushies and blankets. We don't have to cuddle with each other; we can cuddle with soft things. Whatever helps most. I rediscovered recently a desire to give back rubs and massages, and have comforted myself by imagining doing that for friends when they're stressed, just absentmindedly, kind of like an "I'm here for you" signal. It's been so comforting and i do think i could translate that into real life quite easily, depending on the person.

Physical intimacy of any sort takes time for me to develop. I think when i was younger, i expected it to just happen. That hasn't been my experience, and forcing it just scares me. There has to be mutual trust and gradual exploration — patience.

The idea of things is so powerful. The reality of those things can be vastly different. That can be a good experience, a bad experience, or something in-between. And that's perfectly normal and okay.

[mocacheezy]

Things that made watching Transformers (2007) easier and even enjoyable:

[note: B'verse gets the treatment that it gets by fandom for good reasons. There are tons of posts that dissect the bullshit of these movies far better than my second-language-english-non-american self could ever tackle, so I am not doing that, or plan on doing that. But if I decide that I'll get through every continuity of the franchise I will find a way to make it fun for myself. And so, this is my search for golden nuggets in these movies, because they did bring in new fans to the franchise and that's why we have other continuities that we might not have otherwise. Credit where it's due, and some positivity for those that did find B'verse at least amusing if nothing else. ]

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Frenzy

Anytime Frenzy was on screen made me smile because his movements and personality were hilarious, he is just so expressive despite looking like someone super glued a bunch of knifes together. I wouldn't know it was Frenzy if I didn't go to the Wiki, but no matter that, he was funny and that's what matters.

The original Cybertronian robot modes

We don't see them for long, but the glimpses were glorious. Just look at Optimus

Gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to see the details up close. Maybe I'll go looking eventually, but this is just so nice.

We also get a "sexily rises from the pool" scene with Ironhide (probably unintentional and I am biased due to being a robofucker. In any case, very very nice and Cybertronians look so good as aliens)

"Excuse me, are you the Tooth Fairy?"

You see this kid?

This little girl was the only human I cared about in the movie until I saw just how badass Mikaela is, and how cool the military dude is. I don't like kids, but I would lay down my life for this girl.

This one scene just makes me think of what would happen if her parents showed up way earlier. Ironhide would be her guardian and it would be both adorable and hilarious because "Honey, you have to drive in a sentient alien that looks just like our car because the goverment men said so or there will be consequences and potential alien threats."

There are so many joke potentials there; the cultural barrier, the "I am the ine that is supposed to keep her safe" glaring contests, there is just so much shenanigans that could happen.

Also, tea party with the kid. Tea party with the kid.

Sam Witwicky actually reacts like an average human would when faced with the situations he finds himself in

Do I like Sam Witwicky? No, he is the kind of character that I would want to punch irl because of his personality and actions. He is disgusting. But watching him scamper and scream and stutter when faced with giant metal robot aliens that can squish him like a bug? Good, that was a beliavable reaction and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Megatron. Just, ✨Megatron✨

(the best screenshot of the few I could take while watching, no, I am not going back for a better one, he looks perfect like this)

I also laughted at how they kept him frozen like a popsicle. And not even well, like, they COULD'VE made an actual freezer and pop him in instead of using those couple of tubes just so he was displayed for all personell to gawk at. HE CRASHED IN THE ANTARCTIC!

The design looks so good, because it looks ALIEN and POINTY and AGH!!! The colors? There are no colors that would make him stand out, he looks like someone opened a cutlery drawer, mixed up what's inside, threw in some extra knifes for a good measure and then shook the whole thing until this guy materialized from the pile. It is both incredibly annoying and satisfying.

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Mr. Welker did an amazing job with his voice, I don't know what the directions were, but oh man it sure sent shivers down my spine. That is the kind of voice that spells "You are going to die" and I already have my coffin picked out.

EDIT: SO APPARENTLY! IT WAS NOT WELKER THAT VOICED MEGATRON.

It was Hugo Weaving, and yes the man did am amazing job, but I apologize a million times, I was CERTAIN that THE OG VA OF MEGATRON WOULD ALSO HAVE VOICED MEGATRON. LIKE, OKAY BAY, OKAY!

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LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF ICE! With how quick he came back fully online once Frenzy turned off the freeze liquid tubes, I bet he was half awake through the whole thing. Systems just below idling or something, in any case, AGENTS YOU ARE SO DUMB! WHO WAS GIVING SUBPAR FUNDING TO THEM, THEY BETTER BE FIRED!

I also was glad that Sam refused to call him by the name the sector asigned to him, despite Megatron being in stasis. And that he insisted they use the correct name. Good job Sam, acknowledge the threat by the actual name and show respect to a fellow sentient lifeform. Even though said lifeform is hellbent on destruction of the universe and your world.

ALSO, AND I CANNOT STRESS THE LAUGHTER AND AMUSEMENT HERE; the sheer DISRESPECT! They don't disassemble Megatron's corpse. No, these idiots, these absolute morons decide to dump him into the ocean, letting him sink to the lowest possible point (not sure if they did say it was the M' Trench or not), where there are proper freezing temperatures - good! You're learning, good job!! - just... In full. Full corpse. What's left of him. Just blup! Down with the fishies he goes!

I understand that they probably didn't know how to approach Optimus about it, but... At least behead the guy. He came back ONCE, who is to say he won't come back again?! Safety precautions my dears.

They also completely disregard what a giant extraterrestrial metal alien rusting away on the bottom of the ocean could do to the ecosystem at large. Like, I find this incredibly amusing, because this ISN'T something most folks think about when watching a movie but we have giant squids down there. We have so much weird things down there, the ocean isn't even fully explored AND YOU WANT TO CHUCK AN ALIEN CORPSE DOWN THERE?!

Now the real question: is he a looker? *looks at the pictures* hmmmm, depends on if you like knifes. Like, really like knifes. Like really, really REALLY want to get it on with a fine assembly of kitchen knifes that were exposed to the elements but somehow haven't rusted away completely.

I think he's neat.

Needs a good long powerwash though. Preferrably with something to help the whole "I was frozen for more than 50 years and sprang back to action as soon as I woke up" thing that happened.

My man needs to take a moment and get his bearings, like dude. Please. You can conquer the world after some energon and slow system boot-up period. The strain on the systems my dude, you ain't young.

Also love that this "death" was probably reused in TFP because lord golly, do we love our faves ending up under the sea. (Though Megan took a much bigger fall, Bayverse WAS PLOPPED INTO THE WATER LIKE A NEWLY ACQUIRED FISH I CAN'T YOU GUYS I CAN'T!)

In short: I love the comedy of american military giving such disrespect to an Alien Warlord. These guys are really sealing their fate.

I loved the way they got the Witwicky family to be important to the plot

The whole "selling my great great grandpa's glasses on e-bay" thing gives us a very good self insert/OC/rewrite/movie AU potential. Don't like Sam and his disgustingness? Find a way to write a cousin or some far off relative or hell, even just someone who buys the glasses off e-bay and go wild with it!

Archibald was also clearly an inspiration for Isaac Sumdac as far as I can tell, what with both of them using Megatron as a means of helping technology advance.

Only difference being one of them lived and actually talked to Megatron after he came back online and the other got driven to madness and death due to the amount of information beamed into his brain. Isaac also acquired a space baby daughter, so the guy is absolutely luckier of the two.

Mikaela being fucking competent and badass throughout the movie, and not being just fanservice eyecandy

I could do without the fanservice, but her personality? I loved it. I loved that she wasn't crawling to Sam and wasn't being "hard to get". Which is also why I was very displeased at the very sudden "oh yeah, romance! She returns his feelings after he took her for a ride and let her vent her frustrations!". The movie is 2 hours long and they could throw in some moments where these two connect?

Welp, it is an action movie, boy gets girl no matter what, can't complain about the staple in the genre.

However, Mikaela x Optimus? Now THAT is something I considered as soon as the two locked eyes and interacted. Like, even taking my shipping goggles off, these two could have a very interesting dynamic and Mikaela could be a very good protagonist. I wonder what the movie would be like with her as the lead and Sam being the fucking moron she has to drag along with her.

BUT ALSO! Can we talk about the horrible, excruciating fact that her and Bumblebee drove around with Bee's damaged legs dragging over asphalt all the time he was shooting at 'Cons? There were sparks flying! SHE WAS DRIVING BACKWARDS! She took command of the situation and did what she could because Bee still wanted TO FIGHT!

Also, they way she beat up Frenzy? Gorgeous, I want to slap Sam's non-existent balls off for not atleast saying "thanks". The dude would be sliced thinner than cabbage if she wasn't there.

The millitary man we are supposed to care about because his wife gave birth while he was on duty and we see his baby three times in the whole movie, actually being a pretty awesome and well-written character

Look, personally, I was a little confused at the reason why we were seeing his wife and baby interacting/the scene where she thinks her husband is dead. Mostly because I don't like kids, so scenes like that, when I don't even know who the character is, have no impact at all. Him having a baby isn't going to make me like the guy more, unless I know his character. Him being absent because he's on duty doesn't mean he'll be a good dad (though he looks like the kind of man that will try his best, and I like that in a man). So seeing his wife and kid at the start of the movie seemed pointless to me.

BUT! FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES HERE!

Lennox is a good character and whenever he was on screen I was invested in what is going to happen to him. He's the kind of action movie lead that would have me invested, despite my meh interest in mainly gun fight oriented action movies.

Essentially, loved the guy, would love to see more of him while also being able to tell what's happening on screen. Also the comedy scenes he was in were usually funny.

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Okay so these are the things I like about the first movie! It was very long, had to watch it on 2,5x speed because it simultainously dragged while ALSO giving me too much information, but the moments like these and the way my imagination latched onto characters I liked made it watchable. It isn't a movie I'd use to introduce someone to the TF franchise, but it provided me with lots of material for my imagination to run wild.