#i say things on here I wouldn't say irl because this is where i vent thoughts that are harsh. please respect my privacy

[anotherpapercut]

I love when I'm talking to someone and someone else who I don't know like that butts in to ask a really personal question that informs the conversation they are not a part of

[tricksterlatte]

I saw someone on the bird website point out that just because people disagree with a fellow fan doesn't give them the right to bully or harass said fan, especially in such cruel ways (they were body shaming a well known Overwatch person because she shared a selfie, and the hate originated from her opinions on the character).

It's been driving me crazy how people somehow forgot you can disagree with someone's opinions without being an asshole. Why do we condemn bigotry or cruelty when it's directed at our friends, but hurl it out ourselves when opportunity arises to bash someone we dislike? It just makes me so sad.

This isn't about a specific situation but it's a problem i've noticed over the years. I have been both a perpetrator and a victim of this (if I said otherwise, I'd be a liar. I've been on the internet since I was 10 and have been active in multiple fandoms), but I don't want to contribute whatsoever to that type of environment anymore. We have to talk the talk and walk the walk with this one, or we will continue to be miserable. If you dislike something or someone, either communicate if this person is supposed to matter to you or vice versa, or just block them, mute them, unfollow them. Whichever suits your comfort level for whatever the situation may be. If you hate something or someone but still proceed to follow them, check their profile, and grab screenshots or QRTs to make fun of them, whether with petty jabs or actual bigotry and cruelty, you are not only making other people into targets. You are sending yourself into a spiral that will only harm you in the long run.

I know how addicting social media can be. I know how the instant gratuitous relief can feel when you vent about something within an echo chamber. And I don't think the answer is just don't vent, don't misconstrue my words. I think the answer is does this make you happy? I don't think this type of habit makes anyone happy. I know sometimes people change, and I really hope people can and do.

I don't say this as an accusation or to be mean myself, I say this as someone who suffered on my own end, not only from taking the brunt of harassment but also from indulging it on occasion. I used to be horrible about this type of fixation on things I hated within fandom during my prime days in my earliest tumblr fandoms, and I nearly fell into this trap again over the past few years. My irl situation was entering a state of despair, and during those times, without anyone trustworthy that shared these spaces with me and that knew me well in return, fandom felt like the one place where I had a semblance of control. That doesn't excuse belittling people. It never does. A reason is not justification.

It's a special type of hell, for example from my personal experience, to receive dozens of suibait anons about fanfic you published, whether it was from things I left blatantly tagged and easily avoidable, over my writing not being as good as others' within these spaces, or because people admitted they were envious of something outside of my control. Or people making fun of my cosplay photos or treating me as an object to be sexualized, no matter who they were or how they identified. I had old Retrospring anons sent that exploited my vulnerability regarding events only certain groups knew about, trying me during my worst of times. When I vaguely discussed them on other websites, without sharing things being said to protect myself and to not spread drama, I was largely told I was overreacting and to just delete them. Which I did, but they kept coming. I deleted anonymous ways of contacting me and closed off most forms of contact with fandoms other than a few long running places I've known for years (thank you WWD crew you guys are the GOAT). But even so. If I didn't have the person who is now my wife there for me at the right time, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Not everyone experiencing this type of thing has anyone there for them at all.

I have a tendency to ramble, so I'll summarize here: the only type of toxicity that will ever bring people joy is toxic yaoi, toxic yuri, Toxic by Britney Spears, and the Toxic TM from Pokemon. I want to get better myself, and I'm posting this because I hope for the best for anyone who read this. If you disagree with me for this, that's okay too. If you don't think this applies to you, it might not! I don't know you. None of us know each other, which I think should be further incentive to be kind, instead of ample opportunity to be mean. If you have the choice, strive to be kind over the escapism that brings us joy. For some of us, this will be the only kindness we may ever know.

[rabble-dabble]

hi. i know it's been a while and i'm sorry for that.

i guess if you'd just like to know what's going on click the readmore?

if you don't wanna read that though, tldr is that i'm starting to draw hs characters for art practice, and that i'm doing this art "series" (i guess?) for myself to improve. oh, and that life is hard sometimes.

so this isn't really easy to say, and especially not to the internet with a buncha strangers following me (haha) but truthfully, i've been having a hard time both with art and with life lately.

i feel like i'm not keeping up with consistency or the expectations i set for myself with art both on this blog and off. i keep finding myself unsatisfied, disgusted, or just disappointed with how my art turns out, or the ending piece. i feel like i used to know where my art was going, and now i've somehow lost sight. i know the individual things i need improvement on (backgrounds, objects, animals, feet anatomy, colour techniques, body shapes, etc etc etc) but it all just feels like so much and if i get practice on one thing, i stop drawing for a while and i just lose the practice i learned.

so i kinda came up with a solution. draw all the hs characters again - interesting, right? (/s). but i'm not gonna do this for the blog (so, sorry followers). i'm gonna do it for me. no expectations, i don't have a set time limit so no stressing myself, and i just draw the characters as i'd like, trying to improve. this is also to just help myself with wanting to draw again - i draw IRL almost everyday, but nothing that i want or that's...well, artistic/creative. i want to create, like it's eating underneath me in my soul, but i can't find myself to do anything more than pencil sketches.

that kinda brings me to my other problem lately: real life. haha.

if you've been following me long enough, you know i don't really post about my IRL problems here, or especially not to this extent. yeah, i've had my one or two vent posts, but i try to keep it off here because a part of me knows its no benefit to have that kind of depressing, low-self esteem stuff on an art blog that i reblog minecraft and john/kat to.

but truthfully, i don't just wanna pretend it's sunshine and rainbows on here. i'm so tired, and i'm stressed, and i've been through the emotional woodchipper lately that i can barely keep my head on straight. yes, i'm trying to get help for all this (i have a doctors appointment soon, and i'm gonna try and get all my diagnosis in order and get therapy, etc) but i'm not coping well with everything that's been happening to me lately, and i can't keep trucking on the same way i have been like i'm more emotionally stable than i actually am.

i'm sorry if i've been acting more bitter, distant, or just different lately. i'm just exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and i'm starting to run out of energy to just function in my day-to-day. i actually cried at work the other day (for the first time!) for feeling so overwhelmed with everything i had to do (both in my job and outside of it, fuck retail btw it sucks). i have small support in friends and family, but they're not the type of support i genuinely need to function and keep myself healthy. and i can't rely on them in ways that aren't their responsibility, or that i truly need help with.

i'm not trying to air out ALL my dirty laundry here (hehehe) but i just felt like it was better to say i'm struggling emotionally then to just pretend i wasn't struggling at all. if i was a healthier person i probably wouldn't be venting here in the first place, but then again i probably wouldn't have all these problems hanging over me either, lol.

just...have patience with me, please. i just want life to be a little kind, or at least kind enough to get me to my first therapy appointment.

[missjanjie]

Need some advice from someone not invested in the situation,so don't mind the vent:

My mother is hell-bent on my returning to complete a degree programme that I was in when I was a teenager (17 or so). Here's the thing though. I was so unhappy doing this programme that I couldn't even go to class without getting anxious or wanting to throw up. Grades-wise, I was fine, I suppose(the pass mark for this particular degree was a B, so 60%). But I grew to hate the programme itself because my anxiety was through the roof.

So, my Registrar saw the state I was in and suggested that I take a break and do an unassociated(heh) Associate Degree till I got myself together mentally. As of currently, I'm the top student in that particular Associate Degree and having a great time(and my anxiety's practically non-existent).

Here's the issues though. My mother hates that I've "downgraded" myself by doing an Associate Degree and continues to insist that I was "tricked" into doing it by the Registrar(who was genuinely trying to help). So,to fix my supposed "mistake", I should immediately return to the original Bachelor's Degree I was doing and complete it (despite the visceral trauma it caused me) because "everyone else in your age group has Master's Degrees and PHDs and you have nothing to show" (I'm 22).

But the thing is, why not get a Bachelor's Degree in a different subject area? I'm not opposed to higher education at all,but she's so fixated on the original Bachelor's Degree (in STEM) that I was doing that she can't let it go. She brings it up every chance she gets. I could be drinking a glass of water and she'll find a way to bring it up. Going so far as to say that it's what God wants me to do(I'm sure God wouldn't want me actively having panic attacks while doing what He supposedly wants me to do, but I digress).

So,yeah. What do I do? Where do I even go from here? If I make suggestions about an alternate path,she'll either ignore me, talk over me or segway into talking about my original Bachelor's Degree programme and how I should be graduating right now.

(Sorry for the long rant. Kinda don't have anyone to get my feelings out to IRL.)

unless you live in a weird mensa cult I don’t think people your age have masters/phd’s. people my age don’t have phd’s and only those in specific fields (usually teaching or social work) have masters and im 28.

also i have a little anecdote that while may not provide answers, can offer some perspective. when i was in college i took a feminist studies course and in that class was a 72 year old woman. i initially assumed she was just auditing the class (ie taking it for fun) but she explained to me that she was finishing her degree. i asked her what made her decide then and she told me “sure, i couldve gone back ten years ago or even twenty years ago. but that wasn’t where my journey was taking me.” point being, your journey is yours alone

there isn’t really anything you can do about your mom if you still live with her or are otherwise financially dependent on her except stay the course until you’re able to get out on your own or something like that. im assuming you’re not american based on some spelling, so i don’t really know the university system there so i could be off base

[goatlingsvent]

I entered a raffle that cost real irl money to enter once, and prize was gonna be a full suit, they co oped the raffle with someone who eventually backed out, meaning their funds dropped so they can only offer like a partial.

I had no problems personally with any of this despite right off the bat red flags and some sketchiness here and there. Wasn't their fault their friend backed out, after all and I'd be happy to win something like this at all.

Even though it's technically illegal to host a pay to enter raffle, as that's legally a lottery, regardless of where the money was gonna go.

I entered through Google forms, with a simple design but rather rare-ish fursona species, it wasn't a mammel and was a bird that while very unique was somehow overshadowed by the number of horses, goats, deer and even somehow centipedes amongst all the uncommon fursona species there are.

I've only seen this species existing because I specifically searched for potential makers but all of them either didn't make the suit themselves and didn't mention who did or were inactive with no way to reach them.

I didn't win the "raffle". That was ok and I even forgot about them and the design for a while, few months even. They actually ended up having did made a fursuit for my design- but they didn't consult me and even were gonna keep it for themselves, but after a week got bored of it and decided to sell it off.

I before they finished making him, offered to buy him on two separate but unrelated account. I then offered again, much more than they were selling for with catch id need a payment plan but also offered not just cash but physical costom made merch as I could offer that deal, I had a t-shirt print shop near where I lived.

They lied to my face saying they never saw my design before, the design I entered into their paid to enter raffle through Google forms. So again, a fucking lie. So even though I was willing bust out 1000$ more than what they were as for they still wouldn't budge and sold to the "easy pickings".

Cherry on top? They're a Christrain furry too. Not all Christians are anti-queer, but also lupisvulpes I'm HIGHLY suspicious of any furry who claims to be Christrain and also goes around doing scummy things period.

Lesson here? Don't enter raffles you have to PAY to enter even if they promise a chance full suit. Not worth it. And hold your ground harder.

Sorry for the long vague posting, I needed to vent.

🧦

[aikoiya]

Writing Sins - The Importance of Establishing the Rules of Your Fanfic

Pardon me, ya'll, while I vent.

Because oh my gosh...

I just read a story a while ago... An admittedly well-written story for the most part... but the Fem!Reader in it was after another woman. Now, if that was the end of it, then whatever. She's gay, now let's move on. (Well, technically, she was bi. The whole point of the story was that she'd eventually get together with this one mafia bossman, but I digress.)

But it wasn't. The narrative was that she expected to have "plenty of cute little babies" with this woman &...

Already this was delusional, but to top it all off, the setting was in a place inspired by Victorian England & she was not only a rich girl, but the heiress & only child of her family.

This... entire situation... was patently impossible!

I asked how this was supposed to be possible & the reply I got was something along the lines of "anything's possible for lesbians 😃" & I was like "No, it's not! In fact, this specifically, is not possible for lesbians! The entire reason they are considered lesbians is because neither have the necessary equipment to make it possible! If they did, then they wouldn't be lesbians! Because lesbianism is a sexuality, which the entire point of sexuality is that they are based on a person's preference for a certain, specific biological sex!!"

I just... the thing is... if this were an A/B/O situation then at least then there'd be a logical & biological explanation because 1 of the women wouldn't actually be female (which, remember, is a sex, not a gender, meaning it's immutable & not subject to change), she'd be a hermaphrodite (which is a sex based on the myth of Salmacis & Hermaphroditus in which a male & female become fused into a single entity that possesses the reproductive organs of both sexes & doesn't occur naturally in humans; distinctly different from being intersex as intersexuality is a sexual mutation & even in such situations they are either sterile or only one of their reproductive organs actually work, thus making them not true hermaphrodites), which would've been a good enough explanation for me as to how this would work, but the impression I got was that these girls would just... wishful think these theoretical children into existence because, as it stood, both were biologically female, as neither were indicated to be transwomen or hermaphrodites, & thus neither had the literal gonads to do it... And there was no mention of getting a donor...

There wasn't even a suggestion that in this world there was some way to fertilize an egg using stem cells like they're trying to do IRL. Which, in & of itself deserves an entire rant all on its own, but that's not what we're talking about here, this is about writing! So, ONWARDS!!

So... No... Just no... If you're going to make this sort of assertion at least give a biologically sound explanation as to how.

Admittedly, this universe had magic, but at the same time, you can't just say "its magic" or "a wizard did it" without explaining how the wizard did it. Magic isn't a fix-it button that makes anything & everything possible with the wave of your hands! It's a narrative device that needs to have rules! Otherwise, there's no real conflict because the characters can just ✨️magic✨️ their problems away!

Yes, Star VS the Forces of Evil's magic was like that in a lot of ways, but that's because that was just how their magic system worked & the show establishes it as such, which means that you know going in what to expect: chaos. If you wanna go that way, then sure. Go ahead, but at least bring attention to the situation & give a bullshit excuse for the why & how.

That isn't even taking into account the fact that, realistically, a rich family in a world where the media isn't at the forefront of everyone's consciousness manipulating everyone. SPECIFICALLY, in a world that is inspired by VICTORIAN ENGLAND!! Would NEVER allow this without being ostracized & labled social pariahs & the daughter a degenerate or sexual deviant & the whole family lynched. (That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I digress.)

Part of the entire themeing of Victorian England is that they were repressed & puritan & all about facades & false perfection, to the point where sex was more of a business transaction! That's part of why it's such a compelling thematic location. Because then you get to juxtapose it with a character or characters that break the mold & challenge societal norms. Otherwise, it isn't a very good inspiration!

Not only that, but this girl was the only fucking child of this wealthy family which would, realistically, put even more pressure on her to find a man to marry & have the children of!

The very idea that this family would actively support such a union in this veerrry specific situation, is just ludicrous. Which, in the story, they just... did... & in a way that made it seem as if the situation was perfectly normal & would not cause consequences. Namely, them having to eventually forfeit their fortune to some other part of the family, if not an entirely different family that they were unrelated to, when neither their daughter nor her wife produced an heir... (Which, if the parents had been painted as loving & accepting & supportive, then I would've been willing to believe as them being willing to accept those consequences for the sake of their daughter's happiness. But they weren't. They were your typical, rich, snobbish, emotionally constipated, socialite parents that stifle & control their spoiled, & equally emotionally constipated children for their own benefits.)

Hell, the author could've kept the whole "female lead living in oppressive society is bi & wants this other girl" thing if they'd have focused on the societal pressure to be straight & produce heirs & how difficult it was to be bisexual/lesbian in a place & time where such things were subject to cruelty. But they didn't. It was just normal & there were no consequences whatsoever to being like that. Which was, by far, the most unbelievable part of the situation.

These impossibilities weren't even mentioned, let alone addressed, as if with the expectation that those reading would just be like, "I see no logical discrepancy here! This is a plausible situation that can absolutely happen in this specific setting!"

Listen, ya'll, I am willing to stretch my suspension of disbelief pretty far so long as you give even a half-hearted attempt at making the plot at least SEEM plausible. Hell, even a bullshit explanation that at least sounds like it could possibly work (but really couldn't if you think hard enough) would've gotten a pass.

And if the story just had one of these many logical fallacies, I might have been more willing to swallow the bullshit, but it wasn't.

It was all of them on top of each other & I just couldn't.

Look, write whatever you want, but if you're posting this stuff, expect to get criticism. That's just how the world works! And if you do post writing with plot points that are factually impossible based on common sense, without *clearly stated* alterations to the basic rules of life, then don't expect all of those reading to be on board!

Let me make this clear. This isn't a complaint based on discrimination. Well, okay, maybe discrimination... specifically against bad writing... I physically cannot read something that is badly written.

Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting anyone to write anything worthy of a Pulitzer or whatever. I'm just asking for a reasonable explanation!

Good day!

Aikoiya's Writing Tips Masterlist

[spikeinthepunch]

Well, I didn't expect to be sitting down an deciding to write a lengthy personal post about the app, Vent. But its shutting down for good in literally two days. If this was any other situation where it slowly just became inactive but stayed up, I wouldn't mention it. But an app shutting down for good is a big deal, and I'll cross my fingers that I get sent the data I requested.

Vent is an app I feel like everyone seems to be aware of but left and forgot after its boom in 2016-2017. no one really says that they use it, most left it after that period. its pretty well known for weird and absurd kin posts and drama and other nonsense. having been on it since it launched, i saw... so much. so so much.

Having gotten to it around age 16, that app houses a huge amount of personal posts I made on an app I considered the best place to dump some of the most private, venty things. Boy does it catalogue a huge series of development and mental growth. And above all stands as a lesson to myself on how to manage such personal things around others online. What is to be said isn't me forcing a lesson on the reader, but just expressing what I learned- because in those teenage years it was easy to want to have all my online friends involved in seeing my vent posts. That Age on tumblr, that culture around validation and mental illness- I wanted validation and post interactions. I vented a lot, teen years sucked- this seemed fine to do from my unaware mind but it caused so much tension, stress, and drama in my closest relationships that I still wish hadnt occurred- but can accept that behavior years later... i was just a teen, it wasn't surprising. Getting your bestest friends in a private closed circle of venting is not as good of an idea as you'd want it to be, to say the least. Especially when you're teens and dont have therapy.

But that is to say- Vent became its best to me when I closed it off entirely to everyone except for one good mutual I had gained purely through Vent, and eventually one key IRL friend. Me, two other people. That was it. It turned into a diary for years after I chose to do that and it had been very useful for me. One or two people I didn't mind getting a glimpse into things, especially after i matured and learned to...better control and understand how to vent in a healthier way. It was somewhere I went to maybe once a month, maybe less frequently, to just... throw out a huge post documenting my feelings and important thoughts from the last many weeks. Great big summaries I'd have no energy to split up into a priv twitter thread, or post on public blogs.

Growth. So so much growth. So much in all those posts and all that time. Almost 8 years of my incredibly personal thoughts sit on that app and it sucks knowing that place will be gone for good. There could be a miracle but it seems unlikely.

For those never on the app, or stopped using it ages back- Vent has been a mess for a long time. It has gone through various changes in hopes of keeping it alive- for years its just been all over the place. It barely functions most times. It's been limping for years now and it was always a joke to me that it hadn't gone down yet. It seemed inevitable- and here we are! Gone on the 28th of Feb, and it was only stated a few days ago. And theyd been promising they had an alternative..

Losing things like this sucks, because it is a part of the internet. People love to say nothing truly goes away on the internet- and thats just not true. Time and time again we lose apps and websites with no backups or way to view them reliably. Newer age technology makes this especially harder to preserve. While I and others have requested our data, there will be hundreds if not thousands of accounts left to vanish after Vent shuts down, especially given the incredibly short notice.

So, RIP Vent, you were already dead for some years anyways. But I appreciate what I made of it and its a shame I can't think of any place where I could keep this kind of diary up still.

[anotherghoul666]

Could I, maybe also, ask a question? The vibe check was interesting, and now I'm curious. I need to look for a new job. How might that search go?

Of course darling, anything you want you may ask!

Well you are obviously at the start of that job searching process. With the Fool right there as a first card, it's either you're still at your old job, you've decided you need to find a new one, but you're contemplating how to go about it; or you recently lost your old job or quit, and you're on the verge of starting the search. I don't think there's been any big, concrete action taken yet towards that goal, and you need to get going.

Now, the good part first: you are 100% capable of finding this new job, and finding something that will suit you better than the previous one. You find it difficult to abide by social norms / neurotypical expectations and ways of life. You gotta find something that suits your excentricity next, a space where you'll be comfortable being fully yourself. It's about time, you deserve your job to be a safe space for once. You have literally an unlimited amount of doors to check out / open in front of you, especially in today's employment climate. It's the employers that have the short end of the stick right now, so take advantage of that. Your options and opportunites will be near limitless. Approach change with optimisn and open arms. Change is good, we're aiming for a change in the established structures here, renewal and fresh air. You have everything you need within to make this happen. You have the willpower to take the necessary steps, you're conscientious enough to make intelligent choices, you're logical. Think outside of the box, maybe be more creative or wild in your search. Look for stuff you wouldn't typically look for. Try out for jobs that interest you but you don't have the qualifications for. Take wild guesses. There is unlimited potential when you channel your authentic self into a task, so use your experience and knowledge to reach for something wild and cool that inspires you.

Now for the less good part: dude, honestly, this job search experience is likely gonna suck. People are gonna waste your time. You're gonna go for ads that say one thing and once you've gone through the effort of interviewing, you'll find out something like the salary or the position isn't what was advertised. You'll get cancellations. You'll get no replies when you were owned some. You'll interview three times to never hear back from the company. You'll feel isolated and alone through the experience. Don't let that win. Break the isolation. Vent to people. Your family, be it blood family or found family, irl or online, will support you through it, but only if you reach out. You gotta rant and be pissed off freely to make this bearable. Don't do this alone.

Now, I don't like to give strict time periods for any "predictions" because that's not how I read, but! I cannot ignore that those three cards give the exact same time frame. That's too cheeky to not mention. Spring, 88 days which covers spring almost perfectly from now and before july which, guess what, is basically spring. I feel before midsummer you'll be set somewhere new. Take that with a grain of salt though because I do not read for future predictions or precise timelines at all.

[ruiination]

RULES

topaz. he/they. 25+ blogs: warrior of light. / personal / makoto yuki

Meta Rules:

I am a person and am bipolar. I have episodes of intense depression and also moments of extreme anxiety/paranoia. During these extremes, I will shut myself out from others. This is because I know I can be harmful when it comes to my thinking. I can be incredibly negative and accidentally vent or overshare. I can become irrationally fearful or obnoxious. I am in treatment for these things, and the biggest thing I know is that I can be harmful and be easily harmed. I have had a variety of experiences where I have accidentally crossed lines or slipped into toxic bullshit. I have been manipulated and hurt during these episodes. The best thing for me in these situations is to give me space. I need to protect myself during these times. I need to be alone. I am reluctant to be open because of past experiences. I know I cannot act rationally and can make stupid choices. I can become snippy or traumadump. I can allow people to walk on my boundaries during these periods. I have been manipulated multiple times to do and share things I am not comfortable with. On that subject, I am always open to talking or hearing people out. But if I am having an episode of depression, I will not be capable of listening to people vent. When I am manic, I get incredibly anxious or hyper. The anxiety can turn into downright paranoia which is why I cannot handle vagueblogging and stuff during those times. I am not making excuses. I am just letting everyone know that I sometimes need space. I need patience. I may still write. But I will not be able to speak much ooc. It is not personal. But sometimes I just struggle. It is a struggle a lot of the time. I wanted to add this into my rules even if it makes me so nervous to do it.

I try my best to tag triggers, so if you need something tagged let me know.

Sexism and racism will not be tolerated, you will be blocked. If you post anything transphobic, homophobic, or biphobic, I will block YOU

If you ship adult/minor ships or condone that stuff, do not interact.

I can and will block if people make me uncomfortable.

I will never write incest.

If you are here because of Jay or whatever, here is my post about his little stunt and the photo of my original DNI (which i posted as a screenshot from my Clive blog so it wouldn't so up on searches) is on the bottom of the page. ♥ I am thankful for all of the support, but I do not want to talk about him. If you have found one of his blogs, you can feel free to let me know.

In terms of triggers, I try my best to keep up. But it's not easy for me to tag not standard ones. If you are triggered by dogs, violence, mental illness, and childhood trauma this may not be the blog for you.

If you constantly delete/move your blogs, I might be hesitant to interact with you.

I am white irl and I do write a few poc. If you see me so anything wrong and you are a poc, feel free to educate me. I'm always trying to learn and be better. I have a zero tolerance policy about racism. I will not speak over poc. If they tell me something is a microagression or downright racist, I'm only going to listen. I can't possibly know their lived experience and trust their perspective. Please reach out if you see anything from me I need to correct!

I'm queer. I am genderfluid with a masc lean. Assigned female at birth. I have a zero tolerance policy about about hate toward lgbt+ people and misogyny. I will say something to you if it seems unintentionally done. But yeah.

I am incredibly uncomfortable around much of the following fandoms: final fantasy xvi , danganronpa, and baldur's gate 3. Still willing to follow or interact but I may be hesitant.

Interaction Rules:

Asks can ALWAYS be replied to.

All muses are crossover friendly and OC friendly.

Do not force me to ship or smut.

I'm mutuals only.

If you are a multi muse and send an ask or like a starter call without specifying what muse you are sending from, I won't answer. If you don't specify a muse you want from me when you send asks, I won't answer.

I don't use icons for certain muses. I do not have time to make icons for 60+ muses.

I have 4 different muse sections which are to indicate activity. Primary muses are the most active and accepting. where each section below it becomes less active or accepting. I also added a feature muse to indicate the character I have the most muse for right now which will be the MOST active.

I will no longer be writing smut rps. It doesn't make me comfortable for a variety of reasons. I may do some on discord and I am happy to talk about those sorts of headcanons, but I have discovered that I have hang-ups with writing things like that that I have not been able to push past. I will enact a fade to black policy for now. I am truly sorry. I have only had a handful of partners I have written this type of content with and all but one have resulted in the same outcome that is just a personal failing of mine. I will continue to try to work through this. But for now, please try to be understanding. If you want more of an explanation, feel free to ask in dms/ims.

Shipping/Mains Rules

If you are a main or ship partner, I need to be able to kinda talk to you ooc. I only will be mains with someone that speaks with me ooc.

If you MAINLY want to smut/ship and that's the only reason you are here, this blog isn't for you.

Mains get priority.

If you become mains or start shipping with be and then never reply or talk to me, I'll remove you from my list. Shipping or being mains should be the start and not the end. That status is not a trophy to be put on your shelf. Exceptions can obviously be made and I'm always okay with low activity or extended breaks. I just ask for communication when possible.

I will typically not be exclusive.

Credits

Icon Templates: cassiaslair, somresources, calisources, paletterph, thunderousmemes, stephysource, biscuit, supersources

Coloring psds: abstraect, somresources, tattooedtaemin, calisources, freerps, biscuit.

Caps: capsource

dividers: here, and paletterph

Mains

@nivaera.

@cagedfirebird

@unrealization

[hot-take-tournament]

sorry if my take sounds deeply incomprehensible i just kept going back on submitting it and knew if i didn’t ramble it all out in one take i was gonna chicken out again LMAO

don't worry about it at all!

i think an incoherent infodump every once in a while is good for the soul!

look, if we're being totally candid -

i have pretty severe adhd comorbid with bipolar disorder, which i do my best to mask - yeah yeah, i know you're not supposed to, but i doubt i'll ever truly shake the shame, especially given the things i've done as a result of failing to mask, both online and irl (the latter being much, much worse) - so i've resolved to do it for the rest of my life

i did talk a little bit about what i was like on my main blog here, which you might need for context:

(speaking of which, please don't actually follow or even go to my main blog just because you like this one - i'm 100% fucking serious. i'm a very different person over there to the point of being almost unrecognisable, even to myself - and i guarantee that side of myself wouldn't recognise me either; we're like two parts of a very fucked up whole. so for that reason i want to keep these two blogs separate; like i said, i'm bipolar, so that's where i let the venom out, and when i feel joyful again, i come back here. i'm more active here anyway, to the point where i basically consider this my main blog now - i mean, my bio isn't even up to date over there)

the point is although i plan to mask for the rest of my life, even i'm partial to an unprompted infodump or oversharing session every once in a while

that's the reason i want this blog to be a safe place for people to vent/infodump/just share their wildest takes anonymously, while still having a little fun by making it a tournament - it's partly to atone in a cringe kinda way, but also because this dumbass site has actually been a huge source of support in some of the darker points in my life

it's almost ironic in a weird way - i spent so much time targeting other people for their mental health problems, but when i had some of my own i came crawling back to those same people. maybe karma does exist lol

no, i didn't ever interact with any of them; but just lurking on their blogs and reading their posts helped normalise what i was going through when i felt so alone after receiving my diagnosis; though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe a year earlier i would've seen those same posts and done my level best to make them feel like shit for it just for the sake of a little dopamine hit

i'm a proud airhead, but i'm not naive - i'm not going to lie to you and say that tumblr is a safe space, partly because nowhere on the internet is safe, partly because i've read some of your takes and they terrify me, but mostly because i'm living proof of how awful this site can be

but i do want to at least create one semi-safe place on the internet after ruining so many other people's

jesus i'm fucking crying that's new lol

anyway sorry for taking your incoherent infodump and exchanging it with one of my own, that's probably more info about me than you ever wanted to know

but i hope this provides a little context for why i decided to start this blog

the point i was actually trying to make, because i'm pretty sure i never actually responded to what you were saying - never feel embarassed to submit anything! trust me, i totally get it; but i promise, even when i make jokes about some unhinged takes, it's all light-hearted, and if it ever comes across otherwise, please let me know! <3 <3 <3

i'm gonna take a quick break, i'll catch up with you all again later

[gnzma]

6, 7, and 8 !!

also 21 and 22

[ gio spills the tea ; ACCEPTING ]

6. dash commentary ; also asked by @battlesfought

[ another dashcomm thing, if i see the height discourse again i think i will blow up fr

also i'm so glad we moved past the soup discourse. i know i'm treating with the devil over here by bringing it up but im SO glad ]

7. excessive ooc

[ okay, i think i have to make a distinction here. like for me "excessive ooc", as in writing ooc posts? that's more than fine, we all need to write things down, vent, or even just write a lot of updates or talking about stuff we enjoy!!

my big problem with excessive ooc comes when someone uses their rp blog exactly as a personal. like of course anyone can use their blogs as they please, but i remember years ago i ended up unfollowing a good friend (we're still friends now btw!!) because they really kept reblogging shitposts, memes and IRL news and posted, like. one thread every 10 posts that have nothing to do with their muse ]

8. DNIs in rules

[ eeeeeeeeh okay uh let's say i have my beef with this because. other than the usual "hey don't interact if you follow idk aku or smth", most of the times i had to deal with DNIs were from people who were like. Really Not Good? at all?

like im talking transphobes starting obviously fake shit with my friend group because we called em out for that transphobia, or people who ended up being much worse than the people in their DNIs. of course, if it helps someone feel safer, i see no problem with that!! i just wish said rule had a link to. idk proper sources or something, because all i can think of is "hey remember that one terf who tried to say we were sexist for not shipping with them?" ]

21. violent threads

[ GRABS i love violent threads so much i love blood and gore and. wheres that one tiktok where that guy goes YESSS WE'RE DRAWINGGG TWO MEN AND THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL EACHOTHER AND THE WRATH OF GOD AND THE WIND ARE MAKING THEM BLEED??? bc thats me fr ]

22. your current RPC; also asked by @battlesfought

[ WELL i talked about the pokemon RPC time to be. both positive and negative, i guess? about the SCP one!!!

because the few people who rp para are incredible. we're like, seven, eight at best? and they're hilarious we can manage to go from shenanigans to horror to angst to. fucking. mass panic at a containment breach and even if none of us is super active it's always a delight to see one pop up and quickly followed by literally everyone else

on the other. it unfortunately suffers of the "famous internet fandom" RPC disease where a lot of people play... i wouldn't say "badly", that's rude, but in a way i can't vibe with at all. most of the RP blog are actually IC blog that occasionally (which means. 20% of the time) end up having in character dialogues that fill the dash and 0 respect for rules and general RP etiquette like reblogging from source and whatnot, and once again since i'm here playing the arguably "fandom favorite" researcher i'm!already!!so tired of the people who come to me expecting to immediately play their husband!!!

so idk. i'll be in my corner with my cLiQuE being silly and cry because i just want a 076 to bully is it too much to ASK ]

[atrashcanraccoon]

Y'ALL I HAVE FINAL EXAMS FROM TOMORROW AND I'M IWAOI-ING

but like nvm, here's the next part

this is the part where i copy-pasted my irl convo w my bestf i was such a simp god fucking dammit but like i mentioned, i didn't do the lil notes thing bc he was a piece of shit

okay okay now read part 2

not beta read, ergo all mistakes are mine alone.

happy reading!

-d

(⁠/⁠¯⁠◡⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠◡⁠)⁠/⁠¯⁠ ⁠~⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

Classes dragged on and then it was lunchtime, the time when history gets written because nothing sane ever happens during lunchtime.

Oikawa was busy with his fangirls and surprisingly, Makki was separated from his darling Mattsun and Hajime was struck with a dumb plan that would probably rival the likes of that chibi-chan from Karasuno (Kageyama-kun vents a lot sometimes, Hajime's learnt to deal with it). 

And so, for the first time in his life, Iwaizumi Hajime was going to do something he’s never done before (and hopefully never will again)— tell Mattsun about his dumb idea and ask him for help.

Asking Mattsun had its own set of risks. Hajime knows for a fact that anything that Mattsun knows, Makki knows it too, by default. Ergo, if he does tell his idea to Mattsun, Makki would know. Then again, his friends might be assholes, but they’re never deliberately cruel; moreover, as long as Oikawa isn’t told anything, Hajime literally couldn’t care any less.

If Oikawa needs to know anything, he would hear it from my mouth, or he wouldn't hear it at all. This thought ringing in his head, Hajime determined to get this done with.

Once and for all.

“Oi,” Hajime gruffly called out. “I have an idea and I need you to talk me out of it.”

Mattsun didn’t gasp out dramatically, true, but he was close. He lazily turned towards Hajime, an interested twinkle in his eye, “Don’t hold out on me, Iwaizumi.”

Hajime regretted telling Mattsun anything, but he knew the saying ‘you made your bed, so lay in it’ and decided to dig a deeper hole for himself. 

God, this is fucking embarrassing. “I like someone and I was thinking about writing…love notes for them because I can.”

The other boy was seconds away from laughing, not that he’d ever tell Iwaizumi that. 

And here I was, thinking he had a better chance of realisation than Kyotani-kun— but never mind that, Issei has a friend to help out.

“Okay. How are you going to do it? Where? When? Fill me in with the details.”

Hajime was surprised at how easily Mattsun seemed to be taking this in stride with minimal intrusiveness, but continued, “I was thinking I’d just drop it in h- their bag or something, they’ll get to read it later. Or whatever.”

“I just had this wild thought, Iwaizumi.”

“What.”

“Why don’t you just declare your undying love for him? Face to face?”

“Him? What? I didn’t-”

“Save it Iwa-chan. The entire team except Captain himself knows. For God’s sake, we’ve been placing bets on you two getting it on for two years now.”

Hajime was shocked, in the least. He knew for a fact that he wasn’t too obvious with his affections (oh, who was he kidding? He was head over heels in love with the other boy) because Oikawa wasn’t dense; but for the entire team to be aware of it all? That was a scary prospect. 

Hajime soldiered on, “That’s...besides the point. Right now, I want you to tell me that whatever I’m thinking is a bad idea and stop me from doing it.”

Mattsun looked sorry. Hajime hated that look. 

“Look man, what’s the worst that could happen if you write notes for Oikawa? You’d be awkward for two days, then go back to your chummy selves? Now, think about the best thing that could happen. You and Oikawa could be together— best friends to lovers arc— who, i don't know, adopt chickens and play volleyball till the end of time. There’s nothing to lose, Iwaizumi. You won’t lose anything.”

Trust me on that, Issei silently pleaded.

To be honest, he still doesn’t know why he is so devoted to knowing about his best friends’ love lives, but Issei has a fleeting thought that it’s most probably because of the lack of romance and Hiro in his life.

“I have so many questions right now, starting from the arc shit to the chickens, but fuck all that. What was it again? Lack of what?” Iwaizumi grinned and Issei pouted. Nearly. The look on Iwa’s face said that seeing Issei in such a state has lifted his rather sombre mood.

“Please tell me I did not say that out loud.”

Another voice that sounded suspiciously like Hiro’s answered, “You did say it out loud. Issei, darling, do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to know if you feel the same as I do?”

Issei couldn’t believe his ears.

“What?”

Hajime looked positively invested, his usually tired eyes gleaming in the knowledge that his two other best friends can no longer use plausible deniability and run from their feelings. Or whatever.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” Hajime teased, not hiding his excitement. “You heard the guy. He likes you, you like him, now go on a fucking date.”

Issei mentally groaned. That damn drama addict, he and Captain are meant for each other.

Issei faced Hiro and hesitantly asked, “You...like me? Really?”

Hiro’s eyes softened and oh, Issei could see the unmistakable fondness directed at him—

—then he had to open his mouth and Issei was reminded of why he started having feelings for Hiro in the first place. “No, I like your mom.”

With a charm he usually didn’t possess, Issei approached Hiro and let out an appreciative noise when Hiro wound his arms around his neck and whispered, “Kiss me now, will you?”

When Issei came up for air after furiously plundering his boyfriend’s mouth, he noticed that Iwaizumi had already left. Deciding to talk to the stoic boy, sooner or later, he turned back to Hiro. He’d already wasted precious time, he’s not willing to waste anymore.

"Hiro- wait- we still have to talk about all this, you know that right?"

"Yes, my little chicken leg, we should, but for now, talking can wait. I can think of something better to do."

Hajime couldn't be happier for his friends, the mere smiles on their faces assuring him of their joy; but somewhere in his heart, it ached.

Why isn't it that easy for me to tell Oikawa? There's also the fact that I've known that dumbass for years, so how hard can it be? It's high time I did something about this.

Thus resolving to go ahead with his idea, Hajime went looking for Oikawa, knowing that he wouldn't have had his lunch yet, that lovable idiot.

ᕦ⁠[⁠ ⁠◑⁠ ⁠□⁠ ⁠◑⁠ ⁠]⁠ᕤ

end of part 2

[unma]

Uh, mentions of suicide (not attempted, but considered) and suicidal ideation under the cut I guess. And lots of talk about my depression. And a bit of oversharing. Did I say this blog wasn't for venting? Well, I'm unpacking these things as I write them so please be kind with me, okay?

Still thinking about my memory and how it's gone from me being proud of remembering the most specific stuff to barely being able to remember anything past a certain point save for really specific mostly intensely painful (usually mental) periods of my life.

I don't think it's memory issues (or at least the kind where I'm simply incapable of actually recalling things or putting moments into long term memory). I just think that there isn't much for me to remember in my day to day life outside of the internet.

I spend most of my time moping around, looking forward to the day where I'll be free of everything that has plagued me. The optimism younger me had about leaving this life behind and becoming a new me is gone, replaced with a me that has accepted the reality that it would be a long struggle to get to that day that I'm happy. I already had to pull myself out of the pit that was wanting to actively end it all, and now I wallow in despair wondering if it'll happen anyway.

it was only weeks ago (or perhaps months? Time has begun to blur for me since forever ago) that I found out I had friends who were glad I wasn't dead. IRL friends, in specific, as I wasn't too open about my struggles online, for obvious reasons. I mean, I was also gone from this blog for a year or 2 due to related matters, so obviously no one online would know about any of this since I wasn't here.

Back on track, I had a classmate of mine call to see if I was still okay and doing fine. I wouldn't call him that close of a friend—he's the type of person who's an asshole on purpose but friendly enough, so you can tell when he's taking a piss and when he's being genuine, but he doesn't pull it off nearly as well as a much closer friend of mine—but he was one of the few I'd let know that I wanted to die. Even though I'd made it clear ages ago that I wouldn't ever pick up a knife, he was still glad to know I was okay. And upon mentioning that to others who knew about my woes, they all responded that they too were glad that I was doing okay. It felt nice to be cared for.

So it's a shame that the only way I can talk to any of these people is online.

There isn't much for me to look forward to offline. My family's awful, as you can probably tell from today's posts, I hate most of the people I know in church (not to mention that being agnostic and having a horrid experience with the church growing up makes that place a living hell to be in) and there's nowhere for me to go outside. Not to mention it's way too hot. No really, I tried to go for a walk outside today and didn't even make it an intersection before the sun made me turn back. And I'm the one who used to wear hoodies in the blaring sun before I moved. It's way too hot here in the summer.

Every time I try to improve something about myself, be it my posture or not spending all my time in my room, I'm reminded ever so swiftly of why I'm like this now. At some point I resolved to sit in the living room often, but every evening my dad would come home and yell about something that had gone wrong, and because I was the only one nearby I'd be the only one subject to that yelling. And then I remember the reason I never left my room was because child me realized that greeting my mom when she came home from work was never worth it because she would 100% send us to do chores. And she wondered why no one ever greeted her when she came home anymore.

There's a lot of things the internet has done to me that would make me wish I got on here when I was older. But it pales in comparison to how much good it's done for my life. How much it's shaped me into a much better.

And the fact that I'm still alive, I guess.

I think often about how my dad once told me he knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I thought "Do you know your son doesn't want to live anymore?" I still wonder if he'll ever find out. If he'll ever realize that the pressure he and my mom placed on me to get better academically, even as I was one of the best performing students and simultaneously already struggling to keep up with the stress from maintaining those scores. I wonder if they'll ever understand that the hate I feel for them is not childish rage at not getting my way—not a rage that will fade as I grow older and wiser in life—but a deep hatred that will never fade until I'm free of them forever.

I wonder if they'll ever realize that they were horrible parents. Even now they're constantly blindsided by the effects of their own bad parenting. Effects that I, the oldest child, continued to point out to them when they first showed up. Things that I very clearly told them needed to be corrected.

Perhaps the fact that I had to point out that they were failing at being proper parents to my younger sister constantly as I grew up is just another sign of my shitty upbringing. One in which I was forced to learn to be mature at a young age. To be the smart one. Above breaking the rules, above being playful and immature. Perhaps it's no wonder in the end that I simply stopped caring, when fun was something I continually had to fight for, and stress was simply the norm. Even now, as I think back on my past, most of what I remember was the time and effort I spent. How proud I was to pull an all-nighter to finish handwriting my Business Studies notes, as if my rides to school were not already spent frantically catching up on my CRS notes.

My school-assigned advisor once told me that I had to deprioritize writing to spend more time focusing on school-related work. I wonder what he'd think if he found out that writing was perhaps the main reason I decided there was still a point to life. I wonder what my mom would think when she agreed with him.

Oh well, it's not like there's a point in dwelling on that.

Point is, well, there really isn't much for me to look forward to or do, other than eat and sleep. Not to mention that most of the things I can do suck or actively make my mental health worse, which is fun.

As for the point of explaining that? Well, I think the reason I can't remember anything is because there isn't anything to remember, or at least anything good. What's the point of actually remembering things if all there is to remember is enraging conversations and anxious waits for things I dread? Perhaps the reason I don't remember much about my life is simply because I stopped having things to be happy about. Outside of the internet, anyway.

If I have any consolation, it's that I can still vividly remember a lot of my time online, where I had fun and made friends and learned to be myself. And when I put it like that, it feels pointless that I've even slightly worried that I spend too much time online, when there's no reason for me to reduce my time online.

That's all my pondering for now, I guess. Really long post, yeah, but today's event made me think about... a lot of things, I guess.

[psalmoftheserpent]

Those aren't the posts I wanted to make, but it got away from me, and I jumped into something I just wanted to say here.

Hi. This is for you.

I'm sure you have never liked this cycle of care and resentment I've gone through with you for years. When I first came here to this community in 2016, I didn't have anyone to help me figure out what was going on save for many people who believed in a lot of bizarre things. I've gone over this in the last couple posts, and how the only people around me endorsed that I must be spiritually derived and thats why I was experiencing this 'angel identity,' and for some people that also meant they were both in the angelkin community, but also others.

This included fictionkin, some believing they were incarnated from different media sources. Now when I was young, I thought that was crazy, and that bothered me a lot. And the thing is, I never really believed that was a valid belief, but I'd be in this flux of thinking--well, it's not hurting anyone, right? And more pathetically, I'd still stick around some of these people because I was alone and had nobody else to reveal this person to. This community and some of the people who I didn't really think were in the right for their beliefs were actually all I had. Cue much identity crisis because this part of me I thought I must be roleplaying never "went away", and his unique pain was still internally very hot to the touch for years, and then I got into delusional headspaces thinking I must be different fictional characters. Now that made me realize--I do NOT feel that way for characters I roleplay. And hadn't this angel been around for longer? Hadn't I, since childhood, experienced episodes of depersonalization where I thought I felt wings, and had places and things I associated with when I identified this whole different mental state?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stuck around you as long as I did, because I often cycled between this feeling of "I truly do not think people incarnate from fictional characters that's unhealthy as hell," and "but this person never hurt me and made me feel special and cared about and they weren't mean?"

I should have just left you sooner. I realize I was so attached because this angel had NEVER revealed himself so vulnerably to someone, I am almost constantly masking and I often kept this identity to blogs others I knew irl wouldn't see. But he was in pain for years. There was something deeply painful about being told someone was in love with you and then not being spoken to for weeks, only for that person's "friends"/other parts of their system to speak to you all the time any other day. I don't know. This was never something I could rationalize. BUT even as I have repressed and ignored Ophaniel, for months at a time, again and again when he would return, I'd just feel so much pain from him. So much resentment and nasty shit--and in the end, I am here now, and I think the conclusion I've come to is--

--Yes, maybe that person didn't mean to hurt me, and maybe they truly believe what they believe. But I do not endorse their beliefs and these beliefs definitely made me more deluded and disconnected. I spent many, many months when I'd be fronting again in pain, wishing for someone who was not there to just say hi again, and writing post on post where I vented and begged that I could just be a better person for them. I think that was an overblown guilt, and I didn't know what to do with myself, because I often apologize for people who hurt me if I don't think it was on purpose.

I know that whatever you have going on, I cannot get behind, and I don't want to be a part of anymore. I'm tired. And I hope that I can heal from this shit because it's awful having a whole person inhabiting yourself that you cannot even let speak because he is sick and miserable and doesn't feel like he can show himself. I have removed you from discord and I wanted to get this off my chest so I'm posting it here. There's like, two people following this blog who might be active and I'm not writing this to be spread some sort of anger, but to get it out of me.

[bitsybambi]

A little personal vent about my previous relationship. TW abuse.

Sooo, I broke up with my partner of nearly 9 years. It feels right to post a little vent about it here bc Tumblr is where we met back in 2013. I haven't posted anywhere other than Snapchat bc idk what to say yet. I don't want to badmouth her. I wasn't treated right. That's a nice way of putting it. Some of her friends think I'm being an asshole for going no contact but I was being abused. They don't know the full story bc I don't want to ruin her friendships; it'll all come out eventually, maybe. I wanted to leave since October 1st and she kept blocking the door, manipulating me, somehow talking me back into staying. Lovebombing. Gaslighting. Getting all up in my face and yelling at me; I had to be the one to step away bc she wouldn't have been able to. She spat on me. Called me a bitch, all these other names, cussed me out. For years.

I tried everything. When things got out of hand, I went into the other room. Sometimes she would come to the doorway and continue the argument. Sometimes she would continue from the other room. And sometimes she would go quiet and leave me be. The worst time I said if you're going to call me names and yell at me, I'm going for a walk for an hour. I tried to leave and she blocked the door, thinking I was going to leave her for good. She yanked one of the dresser drawers out and threw it to the floor. I asked her why and she said she was mad.

I never really had boundaries until October and she started lashing out even more because of them. She got away with so much over the years and I let her. I wonder what would have happened if I had more self respect/self worth towards the beginning of our relationship. We might not have lasted as long as we did, because now I believe she wanted to control me. She did control me, I just didn't see it that way until recently. Or maybe didn't want to admit it to myself. She controlled all of our finances. I couldn't buy anything without telling her first.

I didn't have IRL friends where we moved to but she liked it that way. It meant I was all hers. I didn't go anywhere without telling her. It's not something she asked me to do but I did it anyway (or maybe it was in the very beginning of our relationship, I don't remember). I told her when I got home from work, when I went to the park for my walk, when I was back home etc. She knew my every move and if she didn't, I think she would have been upset. She didn't like it when I was at the park for over an hour. She didn't like when I was out of the house when she was home, so I was usually home whenever she was.

She blamed everything on her mental health but didn't seek help for it on her own and got mad at me when I suggested therapy. She didn't want to go and didn't want to put in the work, meanwhile I was reading books, listening to podcasts, in a support group for advice, doing all this work to figure out how to navigate her illness and figure out what could help her. But when I would suggest something that helped someone else, she wouldn't care. She would say it wouldn't help. She wouldn't even give it a chance, even though what these other people tried helped them and it's something a therapist would suggest too.

I'm not a therapist. I went above and beyond, putting her needs first. My needs weren't being met for YEARS and I ignored it. There was a lot of good in our relationship at one point. I wouldn't have stayed otherwise but it feels so sudden that I couldn't see the good anymore. I couldn't validate her feelings; I couldn't give examples of why she wasn't a bad person (she always said she's a bad person and wanted reassurance). But she never validated my feelings. She didn't seem to care when what she did hurt my feelings, other than get mad that I was crying or having a panic attack (and it was usually her fault).

She didn't want me to have a job that had different hours to her, but we needed the money. Especially if she went to therapy. I took a second job, working a double shift so we would hopefully have enough money for her to go once a week. She agreed to go but not for herself, because I told her I wanted to leave and she finally booked an intake appointment for a 6 month program after weeks of me asking her to. I even found the therapist for her. I was willing to go to couples counseling but she didn't want to. She never wanted me to talk to anyone about what was going on bc she knew she was treating me wrong. She knew they would encourage me to leave. (She didn't even like me being in a support group online).

We didn't date anymore. Most of the time we would go out to lunch or dinner after a medical appointment. Everything became about our physical health and it was hard to have fun bc we would be so focused on the appointment, how it went, the financial parts. We didn't even watch movies anymore, despite paying for all these streaming services... then she started cheating on me (again) and going out to the cinema with this girl. We didn't even watch movies at home and suddenly she was going to the cinema a few times with some girl, and spending the night at her house. Then when the girl's sister didn't want her there anymore, she spent the night with her IN HER CAR. When the weather was starting to get colder.

I woke up a few times that night worrying about her. I texted and called, no reply. I didn't get any response until about an hour into my shift at work. And she told me they fooled around. In her car. IN FRONT OF HER WORKPLACE. She's the stupidest smart person I've ever met (top 10 in high school, all these uni achievements, no common sense). She said it wasn't impulsive and that only made it worse. So she wasn't thinking about my feelings at all? She had to know that I would be upset and hurt by her actions.

When I tell people I'd been cheated on before multiple times, they say I should have left the first time it happened. I tried. They don't get it. It's hard when you're in a relationship like that. She talked me back into the relationship every single time. I even took a bus to see her at college after she told me she could unalive herself if I broke up with her. She talked me out of my boundaries until October when I finally stuck by it. "If you cheat on me, I'm leaving you." Also I was young. We were together from 19-20 to 28-29. That's a lot of growing up to do, and I wanted to keep trying. I wasn't ready to give up yet. I'm glad I had friends that didn't push me too hard bc I believe it would have ended our friendship. It would have made things harder on me. The few who knew IRL continued to support me from afar and be my safe space, and gave me a way out when I was ready.

But when I finally did leave, it was on my own. I think it had to be that way. She was at work but she knew for a month that I didn't want to be there anymore. I told her so many times it didn't feel like something we could fix. Too much happened, trust was broken. I told her I was taking the cat. I told her I couldn't do it anymore and every time, she would be upset and just want me to understand her, that she's capable of loving two people at once, that she doesn't want this other girl forever. That I was her person, her soulmate. I don't think I believe in soulmates anymore. I told her that I tried poly, I did whatever she wanted when she was in college. It still hurt my feelings so bad. I'm not polyamorous. I'm just not. I tried.

She caught me leaving and let me go (she could have turned the car around, came back home and try to talk me into staying). I'm not sure what I would have done. I only had the clothes I was wearing, one pair of jeans, a bunch of random shit I packed that didn't even matter that much. I should have packed my clothes first. I grabbed the cat and left as soon as she started calling me, freaking out that my trunk and doors were open (she drove by for a work thing and saw from the main road). It was probably the second time I'd ever hung up on her (the first time being early on in the relationship when she was yelling at me and hanging up on her only made her anger worse). We were both crying, she was begging me to give her another chance. I don't remember what I said, probably the same stuff I'd told her the entire month of Oct. I couldn't do it anymore.

And then I called her stepmom. I told her I was leaving and that she told me she would unalive herself if I did. Her family is very nice and supportive of my choice; they checked on her and made sure she's okay. I'm in contact with her only through stepmom. I don't think I could handle seeing her but at some point, we have to sign papers saying I want off the joint account (our only account). I now have my own bank account. I'm living with my grandparents and trying to get my life together. I went back a few days later to get my clothes and some other things; I had to go back another time to get a few heavy items. But for the most part, I'm done. I left my keys. She kept almost all of the furniture. I only took what we had extra of (like one of the lamps, an extra sheet pan etc) and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I'm kind of mad that she gets most of our stuff but at the same time, it'll be nice to have a fresh start. I always wanted to replace some of our old college furniture and she either wasn't interested or didn't have the same style as me. Making big purchases was hard for her. She was never able to decide on an engagement ring. She picked one out and we bought it, I did the whole reverse proposal bc she wanted that Big Moment, and she hated the ring. So we got a refund and stopped looking, even though she was super upset about it. There was nothing I could do. Life isn't a movie.

So this is where I'm at. Living with my grandparents who need the help. Taking them to their doctors appointments, helping them with their puppy, making sure the cat is doing okay during this big life change (she's starting to explore the house now, I think she was too scared to leave the bedroom at first). I left Nov 7, went to urgent care Nov 10 after I started feeling worse. Surprise Strep! But now it's Nov 16 and my only symptom is a nasty cough. As soon as this illness is over, I'll go try to transfer over to the store here and get on with my life. I can't wait to find a routine here, start seeing friends, feel normal again.

[aintgonnatakethis]

@worlds-tallest-fairy Not eaten, I'm just a criminally slow replier I'm afraid 😭

Yeah, apart from Spencer there aren't any actual breakdowns as such, are there? Surprising, as I reckon cabin fever would set in pretty damn quickly given the dismal situation they've found themselves in. The stones are the one thing keeping them mentally sane, but physically sane? Their bodies never get a break and that has to wear at them. For Rush, do you think the lack of stimulation would good/bad for him? I've found becoming overstimulated with autism to be extremely easy, and the lack of it to be pleasant, though I do have moments where my ADHD demands the opposite. Agree it would have been interesting to explore the dynamics of those on board from a mental health perspective more, beyond the psych evals that last only one episode. Long term depression, hypervigilance, PTSD, understimulation, lack of sunlight, starvation, dehydration… Some of them would be way more fucked up after 2 years up there than they are in the show imo.

I don't think there's any way in hell Rush would be able to pass a proper psych eval tbh, so I reckon the SGC rubberstamped him. Certainly not an uncommon thing where the military is concerned, who are far more more interested in what uses they can make of people than their members' health, physical or mental. Though I do have a section in the Telford-recruits-Rush fic I wrote during lockdown with Telford coaching Rush through the particulars of what questions he'll be asked, and Valium being a common thing to acquire from senior military medical personnel before the 'interviews'. I don't know if the latter is common irl obviously, but I can't see the military being a very "woke" environment, to put it mildly. Linking back to toxic masculinity, I imagine that ideas like PTSD = shellshock = cowardice are still quite common. So Rush wouldn't want to show weakness and the shrinks wouldn't want to see any weakness, which leaves Rush in a real bad place mentally.

I LOVE the idea of his neurodivergence making it so the chair accepts him easier than others! Hell, Destiny too. She never speaks to anyone else, right? (I need me another rewatch!) So maybe the unique way his brain works makes him the perfect person to do it all: break the cyphers, sit in the chair, talk to Destiny, carry out her mission. It makes me think of Telford saying to McKay: "What is it with genius and social skills?"

(plus can we discuss him thinking it was still Rush in David’s body and refusing to space Kiva and her people?? Because, despite their friendship, I truly believe Young would’ve spaced David for the greater good. He would’ve hated himself for it, but he would’ve at least given it more thought. I’m talking myself into OT3 territory here.)

Ahhh, I'm afraid I have an unpopular opinion about that scene. 😂 I think he sees David's body combat roll out of the gate and knows that it's David. I wouldn't call Rush clumsy, but neither would I call him graceful, and certainly not in a military-style way. So my thought process is that he only just got his best friend back, and can't bring himself to kill him again (even though the logical solution to that situation would be to vent the room and have TJ standing by to instantly provide CPR to David. Hell, they wouldn't even have to vent the room all the way, would they? Just enough to have everyone on the ground gasping for air and then they could amass at every entrance and storm the place… Or the most sensible thing which would be to vent the room pre-invasion, and then all the Lucians would have just stepped through into a vacuum. Anyway 🤷‍♂️) Both ways of viewing the scene are legit, don't get me wrong, I just have my David blinkers welded to my head by this point lmao

I would have really liked for the audience to see the actual body and not who's inhabiting it more. For that moment when the captured alien screams and it could've been Louis Ferreira and for seeing Lou Diamond Phillips in that jacket, but also for the shits and giggles. Have you ever watched Farscape? There's a bodyswap episode in that where the audience doesn't get their hand held and it was really fun seeing the acting choices everyone made.

I love Dom!Rush, specifically your take on it. I think he is in danger of being type casted, not unlike Young views him, as a submissive “not-doing-domination/masculinity-right” man vs. who he shows himself to be and the background you can read into him.

YES! Fandom in general does that so much: takes the smaller, shorter guy and automatically makes him the sub, or at the very least the bottom. Why I have to ask myself, when Young and Telford are right there! Imo it's so much hotter for the big tough guy to be the one being fucked! Telford especially gives me massive sub vibes lol

Me again! *waves*

So what are your thoughts on where Rush falls on the identity spectrum? (I’m thinking aspec specifically but also just in general). Any head canons for him specifically?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh @worlds-tallest-fairy you've activated me, and have joined @tragedycoded in asking a simple question and getting an essay long infodump for your troubles! 😁 I offer you a great many thoughts about Doctor Nicholas Rush, below the cut because LONG LONG LONG

I've always thought of him as demisexual for sure. I can't for the life of me remember where I wrote it (the ADHD makes everything blur together: stuff I've actually written, stuff I've only talked about, stuff I've read, stuff I've daydreamed; so I never know where my headcanons come from >.<) but I do distinctly remember writing Rush telling Young that Gloria was the only woman he's ever slept with. Young's response was something like: "I bet she really liked that", in typical Young fashion completely missing the point!

I've seen him also classed as demiromantic, but I like to lean towards the Love At First Sight trope for him when it comes to Gloria. There must be a specific label for people who experience romantic attraction but only very very rarely, right? Personally I think that would be a good fit for him, and he'd still fall under the aromantic umbrella.

I don't think he has a gender preference for either sexual or romantic encounters. Intelligence and the ability to engage with someone on an intellectual level are far more important factors for him. Was 'sapiosexual/romantic' deemed to be a problematic term? I can't remember, but as a descriptor I feel it works for him. He wouldn't be able to form a connection with someone if they couldn't meet him stroke for stroke mentally. A friend once said that the way he banters with Young is verbal sparing as a love language and they couldn't have been more right!

As for other headcanons, I agree with the popular ones of him being autistic and that he was abused as a child, though for the latter the general use I see is that it was his father who was the abusive one, while I think it's much more interesting if it was his mother. There would be an extra layer of shame there due to society's views on gender and how gender roles/stereotypes are "supposed" to work.

As for my own headcanons… I think he worked on the docks in Glasgow when he was a boy, as back then it would be the easiest way he'd be able to get honest work, and Glasgow as a costal city would have had a booming fishing trade. In the 450k fic I wrote during lockdown, I have this interaction between Rush and Telford (excerpt starts halfway through a scene - Gloria's still alive when Telford recruits Rush and he's driven them to her doctor's appointment. Him and Rush are in the waiting room. Link near the start is to another excerpt which explains the eel thought.)

Telford sat and Rush began to pace. There was a slight ache in his wrists which he presumed was from recoil and it helped ground him as he made laps of the room. The fish were still there; he counted them this time: seven. He hoped the tank was large enough for seven. He knew that fish required more space than was obvious. He could feel Telford’s eyes on him, but didn’t have anything particular to say to him so didn’t turn around. He watched the fish swim to and fro and thought about how different their movements were to that of the Goa’uld. Maybe if he watched eels, like Telford had said, he would see similarities. He wondered if intelligence factored into the way you moved, or whether it was instinctual. What was the most intelligent fish? He knew dolphins were smart. He had the impression that seahorses were too but wasn’t sure where he’d received that piece of information. Were seahorses fish? He supposed they must be. When he pictured fish he didn’t think of seahorses or dolphins or these small pretty things in front of him. He thought of solid and grey and gasping. They were always so fucking cold.

“So,” Telford said from just behind his shoulder. Rush jumped because the state of the room hadn’t had Telford in that position a second ago. A long awkward moment passed where it was obvious that Telford had noticed and it was equally as obvious that he was resisting the urge to say something about it, maybe out of respect of where they were or from a fear that if he said the wrong thing Rush would snap apart. “I’m watching the fish,” Rush said tightly. “You like fish?” Telford asked, sounding careful but almost drifting into boredom despite himself. Rush hooked a hand over his shoulder in an ineffectual attempt to create some sort of barrier between them. “Not particularly.” “You said you knew how to spear fish.” Rush thought this was a strange thing to say. He looked around. He couldn’t see any way to access the tank and nothing that could be fashioned into a spear. He felt if he said that then Telford might produce a spear out of his back pocket in typical absurd fashion. “I don’t think they’d approve of us killing these fish,” he said instead. Telford laughed and the sound relaxed something in him Rush couldn’t put a name to. “It’s not exactly a common talent.” It took a moment for Rush to realise that Telford was asking him a question, and maybe complimenting him at the same time. He knew that normally he would shy away from sharing personal information, even if that information didn’t seem technically relevant. But this wasn’t a normal place; he didn’t like doctors or waiting rooms, and he didn’t like fish either. Suddenly he didn’t want to be looking at them anymore, so he turned his back and lent against the glass, transferring his focus to Telford. “I worked on fishing boats when I was a kid,” he said, trying to resist the urge to throw up. He couldn’t decide whether the genuine interest in Telford’s eyes was calming or disturbing. “It was an applicable skillset.” Telford watched him for a few seconds, and then spoke quietly, “I only learned to swim when I was fourteen.” This, Rush thought, was an incredibly pertinent slice of data. It narrowed the possible places Telford could have grown up considerably. Maybe somewhere within this desert’s radius? Rush didn’t know how many deserts there were in America. He knew there were Great Lakes somewhere but couldn’t have pointed them out on a map even if there was a gun to his head. But it still took huge swaths of the country out of the equation: no coastline, nowhere near lakes or large rivers and a great many places had those things. Give me a map, Rush thought, and I’ll show you where you could have come from.

He smiled. “I can’t imagine you being fourteen.” Telford ducked his head and grinned. He looked very charming like that. Rush imagined a fourteen year old Telford flailing about in a pool and found it very amusing. Telford spoke softly, looking up through his eyelashes, “Tell me how to spear fish.” Rush didn’t have the faintest clue how David managed to make that sound flirtatious. What a preposterous idea: to bond in any way over the killing of another creature. Have you ever tortured anyone? Have you ever killed an alien? So what, he was a hypocrite? He didn’t give a shit. “You have to stand very still,” he said. He was holding eye contact and it felt as if he wasn’t able to drag himself away. “If you move they’ll know what you’re doing. You can’t let them know you.” Telford shifted his weight so he was leaning into Rush’s space. The glass at Rush’s back felt very unforgiving as far as any attempt at retreat was concerned. “You’re talking about doing it by hand?” Telford’s voice was quiet and impressed and Rush wanted more of it desperately.

“Yeah.” He lifted his hand and made a spear-stabbing motion. Telford definitely looked appreciative now. “I thought you meant with a spear gun.” Rush shook his head, feeling a little like he was the one underwater instead of the fish behind him. “The fishermen didn’t have that kind of money. We used spears and nets.” Telford’s eyes flicked down over Rush, almost quick enough to miss. “You gut them too?” “Yeah.” The word almost stuck in his throat. He could remember the blood coming from the fishs’ gills after they were cut and how it always seemed like such a small amount of blood to possess. Rush had always thought that fish should be larger than they were, and therefore have more blood. He assumed the idea had come from a childish mind. “I bet you’d look good with a knife.” Rush came back from the visions of blood to find Telford very close, one hand resting on the glass next to Rush’s head. He didn’t want to do this here. It didn’t fit. It wasn’t exact. It didn’t make sense in the context he’d been given. Telford moved and there was a hand drifting gently up and down Rush’s arm. Rush shifted away. “Nick?”

Rush wrapped his arms around himself, as if somehow that would make a difference. “I’m sorry.” He’d entered into something he couldn’t finish. Why did he have to lead people on like this? What did he think was going to happen when he started talking about killing things? He knew what David was like. Why couldn’t he think of these things ahead of time? Why did he always do this? “I feel very guilty right now.” At least that was the truth, even if Telford would draw a different conclusion than what the reality actually was. Rush’s face felt hot at the blatant weakness he was showing. “You shouldn’t feel guilty,” Telford said slowly. “You’re not doing anything.” He was right, Rush tried to grasp. Telford was the one who was leaning forward, invading his space. Rush was just standing here. He wasn’t doing anything. He couldn’t quite convince himself. He let out a self-deprecating, scornful laugh. “You think mere action affects guilt.”

“If thoughts were a crime I think we’d have bigger problems.” Telford very deliberately placed his hand back on Rush’s arm, left it there a few long moments, and then withdrew entirely, taking a few steps to the side and leaning against the glass himself. Rush watched him watch the fish. He didn’t seem angry about the sudden change of direction. If Rush had been in his place, he would have. He would have felt hard done by. He didn’t want Telford to think he wasn’t up to this. He would have continued their conversation if they’d been elsewhere, just not here.

So he's a strong swimmer (though it would depend on if he kept up with it in California as to how strong, as the muscles you use for swimming will get weaker if unused just like any other muscle), and an apt catcher-of-fish. It always annoys me when we have the Young-and-Rush-stranded-on-a-planet-together trope and Rush proves himself to have negative points in his Survival Stat. Not only because of the spear-fishing thing, but also because he grew up in poverty - he would have had to steal and learn certain skills to be able to survive. He definitely wouldn't be useless! Hell, another headcanon is his criminal activity history which I'll get to in a second, but I bet he could rig up some snares as well, from sneaking onto the posh estates' land for rabbits and the like.

Now, crime!

Not too long ago I did a felony bingo tag game for pre-canon Rush, and I came to the conclusion that Rush as a kid had shit going on. He had a lot of run-ins with the police, starting from when he was 8 and acting as an early warner for street dealers, to waiting until rich people went on holiday and robbing their houses, to his discovery that he rather enjoys setting things on fire! 😈 I couldn't quite manage to get a bingo sadly, but I'm interested to know what you think?

As for Gloria, Rush was terrified of meeting her parents because her family were rich and therefore he assumed they'd hate him. Her parents however turned out to be the sweetest people. Her brother was the twerp.

That made Gloria's lips twitch in amusement. Despite her not liking him fighting she did value his strength. Rush could still clearly recall the look of restrained glee on her face when he had punched her brother in the nose, the man having spoken down to him once too often.

I also remember writing a bit in the 450k lockdown fic where Rush tells Telford about hitting Gloria's brother and how from the expression on his face it was the first time he'd been hit in his entire life, and the two of them having a Masculine Bonding Moment™ over it, but I can't find it in the mess that is my filing system (multiple stories in one document with no way of finding specific pieces unless I can remember the exact wording for CTRL+F 💀)

I think he's also got some ADHD going on, though it's undiagnosed the same as the autism. Technically there is free healthcare in the UK, but only at what I would call the 'point of sale'. You can go to a general practitioner and be prescribed meds (unless they're specialised medications which can only be prescribed by a specialist - stimulant ADHD meds being one example - and then you have to go on a looooong waiting list), but you still very much have to pay for the prescriptions. It's obviously cheaper than in the US, but having just looked at my prescription list, if I didn't have a prescription prepayment certificate - which is £114.50 a year - I would instead be paying £1,306.80 a year, which would be impossible to maintain. Fairly, I'm on quite a few meds, but Rush's parents - being the shits they are - wouldn't want to even try to fork out a fraction of that, never mind drive him to any appointments. And after he'd got away from them, he wouldn't try to get diagnosed because of the idea that asking for help = weakness that's been drilled into him.

He's obviously got problems with authority, and I think it's worse when it comes specifically from other men. He's gentle with Chloe in a way he would never be if she were a man. I think this stems from suffering extreme bullying from other men for his entire life, due to the way he looks, speaks, etc. Men like Young who think they're automatically better than him because they're more masculine… Well, I'll have to do a separate post to infodump about Young, but Rush has met a lot of men like him who instantly dismiss him as weak or in need of protection or not up to the task of Being A Man because he's small and has long hair and glasses and isn't performing masculinity correctly. This could tie into the headcanon I've seen going around the last few years of him being a trans man - there are a lot of really interesting discussions going on in the trans community about masculinity, the demand of a performance of it, and the societal consequences for perceived failure that I really relate to. Before people started writing trans Rush I'd deliberately avoided reading anything in any fandom (or indeed media in general) that depicted trans people, due to the fear of transphobia cropping up. I get enough of that irl - I didn't want to accidently stumble across it in my downtime, you know? Thankfully that hasn't happened in the SGU fandom, but I still wouldn't venture into other fandoms to read trans stuff and I also don't know if I'd want to write it myself.

But coming back from that tangent, this attitude he's been received with his whole life informs the way he is now with men like Young: impatient, dismissive, defensive; because he knows the doubt in his abilities is coming, and he's sick and tired of trying to prove himself to people who make snap judgements about him. For example when Young makes the truly absurd leap that Rush knew Destiny would recharge fine in the sun and let them launch the shuttle with a ton of a supplies on it anyway, Rush doesn't even try to defend himself. He's thinking 'what's the point? Why should I put in an imbalanced amount of emotional labour to convince people I'm innocent when there'll just be something else to mistrust me over tomorrow, whether I'm guilty or not?' He keeps secrets like the bridge because he's so used to having to make himself indispensable, otherwise people will discard him at the first opportunity.

I do find it really interesting that he 100% doesn't expect physical violence from Young. When Young tells him he knows about the whole framing-for-murder thing, Rush approaches him without fear. I could even go so far as to say it's a bad acting choice because 1. Rush knows men like Young are violent due to past experience and 2. Young's body language is clearly predicting violence: stepping back when Rush approaches so that they're on level ground and squaring his body straight on. Rush should recognise shit like that! But when Young punches him, there's explicit shock on Rush's face. I want to come up with an explanation for why he doesn't expect violence from an angry wronged military man. What do you think?

What other headcanons do I got… He's good at Domming, not only the main event but the pre and post requirements as well. He has a phobia-like reaction to dealing with his finances due to growing up poor, so Gloria handled everything to do with money. He baits people because he knows they'll hate/hit/etc him soon anyway, so he gets ahead of it and says/does things that make people hate/hit him and that way he's still the one in control. He is super self-sabotaging.

Phew! I'm gonna go have a lie down 😂 Am excited to hear other peoples' thoughts as always!