#i say im sad like i even have act three planned out.
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schoenht · 1 year ago
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update is spectacular as usual bestie🙏everytime I see jamil in this smau the only thing I’m thinking is my man my man my man like I love him fr🤭🤭 -🧃
JUICE ANON MY BESTIE !! ty ty i take pride in my acrobatics of stupidity at 1 am hang on i just sneezed so hard rn i think i lost my sight for a sec, but yes you are SO right !! JAMIL JAMIL JAMIL !!!! WE STAN HIM
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urfavlarry · 8 months ago
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HEYY, AIDEN x READER AT THE RINK ANON HERE!! LOVED THE WAY U WROTE THE ONESHOT!
i was waiting for your requests to open up again :D (im obsessed with aiden so bear w/ me, i'll be requesting ALOT abt him) wanted to ask if u could write a oneshot about tyler,aiden x f!reader as a love triangle! something along the lines of; how the atmosphere is around the group when those two keep on pissing each other off. Aiden being aiden and just pulling on tylers strings even though reader hasn't chosen which one she likes most!
(if its okay w u, every time i request something i'll just put 🤍Anon!)
Tyler & Aiden x fem!reader
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╰┈➤ ⋆。‧˚ʚ 🎸🥀 ɞ˚‧。⋆
The more confident one here would probably be Aiden
Like ofc Tyler isn’t insecure or anything but he definitely isn’t that confident when flirting with you
Aiden would get more touchy and pushy (well if that’s even possible)
Tyler would be more calm around you and would be very overprotective over you and would protect you, just like his sister with his life
The two would bicker so much more
You turn the corner, there’s a fighting Aiden and Tyler there
Aiden would be more smug then angry when arguing with Tyler
On the other hand.. Tyler would get pissed
We all know he gets pissed easily but they wouldn’t full on fist fight probably to not raise suspicion within the others in the group
When you are alone with Tyler he would probably be more ‘flirty’
He would have his hand on your waist or hug you
You wouldn’t think anything of it because you think he’s just being friendly (reader is kinda oblivious like always, typical Y/N)
When you three would be near each other the atmosphere would be so fucking tense
Ashlyn fight her inner demons to not say “get a room the sexual tension radiating off of you is making me sick”
Some would question the weird atmosphere but the two would deny anything and everything
After a while they would probably make you choose or one of them would just make a move
If you had a crush on Aiden:
Tyler would be crushed
He would cry probably but not a full on breakdown
He would get pissy towards you and Aiden (more to Aiden)
Deep down he would still like you but after some time he moves on
Things would definitely be awkward for a while tho
On the other hand Aiden would be the happiest man alive
He would rub it in but he wouldn’t go THAT far to the point he would make Tyler feel bad
Probably just sticking his tongue out when you’re not looking or when he kisses you he would do that thing where you have your eyes closed while he is eyeing Tyler
Aiden would yap your ear off and tell you what has been going on between him and Tyler
You would just laugh it off, feeling a bit bad for Tyler but you’re happy you got together with your crush :3
If you had a crush on Tyler:
Oh he would act like he doesn’t care but deep down he wants to rub it in so bad but doesn’t want to be immature
Would probably just smirk at Aiden when you’re not looking
Aiden would still be his cheerful self but he would be crushed as well
Poor boy probably cried the whole night
Ben would glare a bit at you two like how dare you make his cousin cry
But after a while he forgets about it and moves on, going back to his usual very happy self who yaps everyones ears off
Tyler would definitely not tell you what has been happening
Like girl nuh uh that shit seems too embarrassing to be talked about anywhere near you
Would never admit he was jealous, like never
But you can tell because he looks like an angry puppy :D
After a while the atmosphere in the group would go back to normal, just some romance popping in lmao
If you don’t like them back:
the awkwardness in the group would fr go 📈
probably would plan to fight the person you like
after some time they would ofc get over it but this would take then so much longer to get over
everyone in the group is like “wtf is going on”
if you start dating that person and stat to drift away from the group they would be really sad tho
if the guy mistreats you then they will beat him up they wouldn’t even care of they get in trouble
overall your interactions would be brief and awkward
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coolprettyleo · 9 months ago
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maybe i will finally learn my lesson? - begin again au ☆
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wc: 1.2k
tw: sad, angst, rejection, talks about sex. no actual smut tho. borderline alcoholic tbh
ryan leonard x hughes sister au!
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
frankie fell back onto her bed with a soft thud as she tried to catch her breath. she looked at the boy beside her with a hopeful look hoping to gosh he would stay the night and cuddle her. she just needed some form of reassurance.
he never ever wanted to stay over though.
“i gotta go, the guys are going out tonight” he says as he gets out the bed acting like he was talking to some stranger. what frankie didn't realize was that they basically were.
“do you have to leave?” she says in a sad voice kneeling on the bed. she hated how he never wanted to stay and talk. was that so much for a girl to ask for these days?
“frankie, im all spent for right now, but i mean if im feeling it later on, i'll stop by”
is he fucking serious.
it had honestly been a while since frankie had felt that much rage. he really did only think of her as a fuck buddy.
she knew what she was getting herself into, when she agreed on their little agreement, but in the movies it always ends with the guys falling in love with you. right?
“oh my gosh. just leave. like actually” she said getting back in bed and turning her back to him. which left him dumbfounded. why would she be mad he had to leave?
“did i do something?” he asked confused as he finished putting his cloths on.
no answer.
that pissed drew off. she had no reason to be all pissy with him.
“are you mad because im going out with the boys? why would that bother you? were not anything, frankie. im allowed to go out” he said. still starring at her back.
“oh don’t worry. you’ve made that very clear to me drew” she says, her voice wavering due to the fact she just felt so foolish.
“whatever, you’re annoying me. talk to me when ur done being crazy” he said walking out and slamming her door in a fit of rage.
to say frankie took it totally fine would be dishonest. she sobbed in a fetal position all night. while blasting foolish one by taylor swift.
that woman really does have a song for every situation.
she had honestly never felt so alone.
of course she’s not actually alone; she just refuses to go to anyone and burden them with her problems. it’s not like she can call her parents and her brothers due to the fact she can’t lie to them. she knew they were going to ask something like 'how'd practice go?' and whatnot so she's been forwarding their calls since Wednesday when she quit the team.
she could also call her friends. or her ex teammates. did she even have friends?
she was alone.
___
she sits in her room finishing up and assignment when she felt like doing something. usually she would get drunk and go from there, but no. if the last week has taught her anything; it's that she's becoming a new person. and the new person wouldn't black out after every minor convenience.
so in the spur of the moment, she decided she was going to rearrange her room! which is what lead her to where she was right now; outside the freshman hockey house.
while moving her bed from one side to another, she found drews hoodie. so being the mature, new, amazing person she claimed to be... she decided to give him back his hoodie, as a form of ceasing the deal. this is a supposed to be a step forward is it three steps back?
frankie walked up the front steps and as she lifted her fist to knock she halts, when she hears multiple voices coming from inside. not wanting to end her and drews situationship in front of his teammates; to save them both the embarrassment. she quickly trashes her plan and decided to just head home.
but when she heard her name is when she decided against that.
"frankie?" she hears drew ask.
"yes dude. its actually so obvious she wants you after what your saying she did yesterday"
he told them about the argument?
well she couldn't really get mad, if frankie had best friends she would of probably told them too.
"well i dont want her like that and she knows that"
frankie felt her heart crack.
i mean she told herself he didn't like her back, but hearing him say it, is a whole different level of pain for someone who just oh so hoped to joke about their situationship one day over coffee as he watched the morning news while their kids got ready for school.
foolish one, frankie hughes.
"no way your gonna reject her, she's so hot. what the hell is there not to like" one of his stupid teammates said.
"I mean she's the nicest and one of the hottest girls I've ever got with dont get me wrong, but some of the shit she says makes me question if she's being for real or not" drew said not knowing the match he was lighting.
"I think I know what your talking about, is it when she said she thought denver was in texas?" one of his other teammates chimed in.
"bro yes. that actually left me speechless" he says. frankie felt like burning the house down at this point.
"she's lucky she's got hockey" another voice said.
"had'
the hoodie she had in her hands slipped through her fingers. just like the heart drew held. the heart he never wanted to hold.
she backed away from the door, never wanting to slash anyones tires more. she wanted to commit arson. the way they were talking about her, made her want to throw up.
she can take the fact he didn't like her back. thats okay. if he didn't feel the butterflies she felt it wasn't no one fault. but mine.
but the fact he stood their and called her stupid? who the fuck even knows geography like that? she felt so many emotions run through her veins and the one overcoming the rest was the one that held the power over her tears.
"frankie?" oh my god. no. why the hell did I not run home?
she turned her head to see ryan leonard standing there. one of drews friends. someone she had considered to be her friend. but if the rest talk about her like that, him, will, and gabe probably do too.
"you didn't see me here, ryan" she said as she covered her face trying to push past him.
"wha- hey! what's wrong? who did this?" he said grabbing her wrist and seeing her crying eyes. he knew who did it. he just needed to hear a confirmation before he went inside and beat his ass.
"nothing. let me go" she said wiping her tears.
"im not letting you leave here alone hughes, i know how you get when your this sad. I dont want to wake up tomorrow and hear that you got hit by a damn bus for gosh sake"
one thing ryan hated was when she would drink her feelings away because that meant she was going to be reckless. she honestly is reckless.
"well then do you want to come?"
I got tired so im done writing but I wanted to post this! also ! I have no hate towards drew, its all going to add up in the future when I start the other aus I have planned but for now drew is like anyone else and he's learning and growing. so bear with me!
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melswifeasf · 1 year ago
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Was it ever real?
part two
Fandom: Yellowjackets
Pairing: Shauna Shipman x fem!reader
Genre: a little angst; fluff.
Words: 7.4k+
Summary: based on this request. you have a huge crush on Shauna and she accidentally hears you in the locker room.
Notes: i definitely got carried away with this one lmao. both parts are pretty long, if you guys prefer shorter imagines don’t be afraid to let me know!
not spell checked!
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Taissa elbowed your side making you flinch. she smirked at you and kicked the ball that was under your feet before kicking it over to Van who stopped it and kicked it toward Lottie next. you rolled your eyes at her, a bit embarrassed that she had caught you in the act. you cleared your throat and motioned for Lottie to pass it to you next which she did with ease. Taissa chuckled at your attempt of distracting her from the situation but she planned on teasing you later on once you were in the locker room.
just a couple feet away was the source of your distraction, the brown eyed girl who you had been staring at since the beginning of practice. her hair was pulled back into a pony tail with just a couple strands framing her face. she was passing the ball to Jackie with a smile on her lips as she laughed about something she had said. you'd do anything to be the source of that smile. you were casual friends, just as you were with the rest of the girls on the team. Tai, Van and Lottie were the only three you were closest to. Lottie had been your best friend since you were kids and the couple were just better company than the rest. Jackie brought in a lot of drama that you weren't particularly interested in having to deal with and Shauna was only close to those who Jackie approved of. you didn't think you were one of those people.
"you should tell her" Taissa said, too impatient to wait until the locker to talk about it. you let out a sarcastic chuckle at the thought. telling Shauna was the last thing on your mind. she was straight and in the slim slim chance that she wasn't, she would probably be in love with Jackie. they were inseparable and you'd never seen her look at anyone in a way to indicate that she was interested in them.
"yeah right. she's straight or in love with Jackie. besides, she barely acknowledges my existence" you responded looking at the curly haired brunette. Lottie and Van took a couple of steps closer so that they could be in the conversation without Shauna hearing.
"i don't think she's straight" said Van with an amused chuckle. you looked at her with a deadpan expression, not at all buying her words or even that she believed them.
Lottie smiled as she glanced between you and Van, "there's only one way to find out" she shrugged optimistically. you rolled your eyes at all of them. this had been a regular conversation and it always ended the same. you weren't going to tell her. the rejection would break your heart and it would just fuck up the group dynamic.
"im not telling her. end of story" you said and like a miracle, seconds afterwards the whistle blew signaling that practice was over. the three teens laughed in amusement but followed quickly behind you as they changed the conversation to the halloween party that Jeff was throwing at his house.
with hope that the conversation wouldn't shift back to a certain dough eyed brunette, you zipped and button your jeans before reaching for your blue hoodie. much like you had expected the conversation did in fact not end where you left it on the field.
"look, if you tell her and she says no then whatever, at least you can move on" Taissa said from beside you. she was on the bench tying her shoes and Van was leaning against the lockers with her hand gripping one shoulder strap. you groaned in annoyance and threw your head back to really show just how over it you were.
"if i tell and she says no then i have to live with being the sad lesbian who fell for the straight girl" was your quick response. Taissa and Van glanced at each other, not all that sure what to say that could contradict that statement. truthfully you probably would end up being the hopeless girl in love with a straight girl and there was a high chance that it could get around the school. you had come out as bisexual during your freshman year but that was just to make things easier and before you had realized you only liked girls. it made things easier, the boys still thought they had a chance so they treated you like any other girl but being rejected by a straight girl? now that you wouldn't survive.
a sudden voice behind you spoke. "or she's just not straight" said Lottie making you flinch and your chest tighten. you closed your eyes as you held your hand against your chest where you could clearly feel your heart beating against it.
"fuck Lottie!" you exclaimed, "you scared the shit out of me!" that seemed to have been the most amusing thing ever as the three teens bursted out laughing at your reaction.
"i was behind you the whole time. you need to start paying attention to your surroundings" muttered the tall girl as she walked past you and sat beside Tai. great. now it was three against you. again.
a groan erupted from your throat, "all of you are so fucking annoying. seriously. Shauna doesn't like girls and she doesn't like me so can we please just drop this?" you said and closed your locked a lot harsher than you intended causing it to make a loud noise and the other three girls flinched lightly at the suddenness of it. you grabbed your backpack and threw it onto one shoulder before walking toward the exit in a hurry. not quick enough though, Tai, Van and Lottie were on your heel with fast steps. figures.
the door opened in front of you and you stepped out of the locker room completely. met with an empty gymnasium you continued to walk until Lotties voice stopped you. "okay okay," she said quickly and grabbed your arm so you would stop walking. you came to a halt and finally turned back around so you were met with the three girls once more. "we won't say anything anymore. we just don't want you to keep pining over her" she shrugged which earned nods from the other two.
"plus you guys would look good together" added Van, in hopes that you wouldn't stay too mad at them for meddling so much. with a small smile you rolled your eyes at her words. a small blush spread across your face and you were sure if they didn't feel so apologetic for being nosy they probably would've teased you about it by then.
your mouth opened in an attempt to assure them it wasn't a big deal but your words died in your throat as your eyes shifted behind them. the locker room door opened to reveal a pair of best friends. it seemed as if the oxygen had been knocked out of your throat as you let out a little gasp at the sight. the three girls looked at you confused before they followed your eyes sight which elicited a similar reaction. their eyes widened in shock.
the only thing you could do in that moment was to hope they hadn't heard anything. hoped that in some magical way they weren't paying attention to your loud voice when you admitted to having a crush on her. oh fuck. her not hearing was impossible, it was like someone held a microphone up to your lips for fucks sake. Jackie glanced at you with a look you couldn't quite read but that wasn't your answer, it was the fact that Shaunas eyes were actively avoiding you as she grabbed Jackie's wrist and practically ran out of the gymnasium.
you were so fucking fucked.
the house phone was held up to your ear as you were in your room with your legs propped on your headboard and your eyes were trained on the ceiling. "she heard." were the words that left your mouth for the fifth time during the phone call. a loud groan reached your ear from the other line.
"no she didn't." Taissa said again. after having seen Shauna you ended up freaking out the whole car ride home. Lottie was always the one to give you ride to and from school which meant she had to be the one to hear you go on and on about the fact that Shauna and Jackie would probably tell the whole school. or Jackie would tell Jeff and he would or Shauna would tell someone and they would and so on. words were spilling from your lips faster than you or Lottie could process but she still tried her best to listen and reassure you that it would all be okay. yeah right. like you were going to believe that it would all be okay.
you rolled your eyes at Taissas effort to console you. "of course she did. she could barely look at me! i can't do this. i'm skipping school tomorrow." you shook your head.
"no you aren't. your parents would kill you." she responded which was true. but you figured being grounded was better than having to face Shauna. at least then you'd have an excuse to not go to Jeff's party which she would most definitely be attending.
"i can live with that." you nodded even though she couldn't see. you could practically feel her roll her eyes through the line.
Taissa huffed, "seriously y/n. it's not a big deal. people have crushes all the time, it's not the end of the world"
"it is when you're a lesbian and you know that" you responded with a slight drop in your voice, almost as if someone else could hear.
the line was silent for a couple of seconds which you knew meant that what you had said was right and she had no way of arguing with you. "maybe," she agreed. "but it'll go away in a couple of days. something will probably happen at Jeff's party and that'll be the new gossip. just come to school tomorrow. Van, Lot and i will be there with you" she said a lot more thoughtfully this time.
you contemplated her words. you didn't doubt that they'd try their best to distract you from the whole ordeal but at the same time you weren't sure if you could deal with Shauna avoiding you. it's not like you were close anyway, she only talked to you if it was about soccer or once in a blue moon when you went to parties but it never got further than that. maybe it wouldn't be that different. maybe she'd make things normal for the sake of the team. god you hoped so.
like promised Taissa, Van and Lottie were with you during the whole practice. it was just a scrimmage so you didn't have to interact with Shauna much but during the small amount of times that you did she would try her best to look anywhere else but at you. every time it happened you couldn't help but feel a tightening sensation in your chest and a wave of embarrassment to wash over you.
the actual school part was fine, it seemed as if you were wrong about everyone finding out because it was just like any normal day. it had been another junior that got everyone's attention, not you. that was a relief.
once the whistle blew which indicated that practice was over you ran into the locker room to wash off as quickly as possible so you could go home. just five minutes later you were dressed in your light jeans and white hoodie. your three friends were standing near you talking amongst themselves while they were still getting dressed, not exactly in a rush like you were. you were on the bench tying your shoes as quickly as you possibly could, too distracted to notice anyone around you. if you had maybe you would've seen Jackie and Shauna whispering hastily but a couple inches away. the ones who did notice were the three musketeers that had been teasing you about her since you confessed to them.
the three of them glance at each other confused by what was going on. they wouldn't have cared if Jackie wasn't motioning in your direction with her head. it didn't click until they saw Shauna take a breath and begin to approach you with nervously. it was obvious by her posture her and the way she kept glancing at her fiddling hands before looking up at you, who was still getting your last shoe tied.
"y/n," Taissa said softly hitting your arm with the back of her hand. the action made you roll your eyes. you quickly finished tying before looking at her.
"what?" you asked annoyed. she looked at your with pursed lips as she motioned to the brunette with her head as slyly as possible. your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Lottie and Van turned their body and began to take a couple steps toward the door so they could give you privacy. Taissa didn't seem to have gotten the hint causing her girlfriend to whisper her name twice before she finally went with them.
by then you had already met Shaunas nervous gaze. at first you thought she was going to confront you about what she had heard and maybe tell you that it wasn't going to happen and you needed to get over her but that thought quickly vanished once you saw Jackie smiling at the both of you on the other side of the locker room. your brows shot up as you realized what was happening, your nerves began to sky rocket and you could swear you felt your heart skip a beat.
the brunette stood directly in front of you, both of her arms at her side by you could see her hands gripping at the end of her flannel which she seemed to do a lot when she's nervous. you blinked, once, twice before you finally stood up from the bench and shot her a shy smile. "hi" you breathed out. if Shauna didn't look like she was struggling internally you would've been afraid that she had seen how nervous you looked.
"hey," Shauna responded and finally looked directly at you. when her brown eyes met yours, a dozen butterflies began to swarm in your stomach which made you feel queasy. "i . ." she trailed off, almost looking behind her but she stopped herself before she could. "yesterday i kind of overheard you talking." she said. the butterflies soon turned into dread at the thought of how wrong you were about how this conversation could've gone.
fuck, fuck. you wished you had one of your friends to hold onto but you didn't. you were standing on your own with the girl you were madly in love with in front of you. "im sorry about that" you rushed out, hoping with every fiber of your being that she wouldn't humiliate you. "i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable and i promise i'll back off if you want-"
Shaunas voice cut you off before you could continue to spurt out apologies. "no," she said quickly making you shut up instantly. no? what does that mean? she sighed which made her shoulders visibly relax, "i like you too." she confessed lowly.
she.. what..? at first you weren't sure if you had heard her correctly or if it was just your mind playing tricks on you but by the hopeful smile plastered on the brunettes lips you were positive it hadn't all been a dream. holy shit.
"you-you do?" you asked nervously.
Shauna smiled and nodded, "yeah." she confirmed a lot less timid than she had been before. nothing was said on your end, the only reaction that came from you was the sight of your eyes widening and your jaw dropping slightly. Shauna almost thought you were adorable. it didn't click that you weren't going to say anything until Jackie cleared her throat behind the brunette, snapping her out of it. "i was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime?" she finally asked.
she expected you to have a delayed reaction like you had been having since the conversation started but you didn't. instead your lips quirked into a smile and you nodded, "yeah. id love that" you confirmed.
that seemed to be enough to make her smile widen. "cool. i'll pick you up tonight?"
all you could do was nod. the brunette shot you one last smile before turning around and walking up to Jackie. the two of them left the bathroom quickly after leaving you standing there with your jaw slacked, completely frozen in place. the three girls still in the room ran toward you and began to squeal in delight knocking some sense into you.
"i told you she liked you back!" Lottie exclaimed happily but all you could do was smile.
the date was amazing. she had taken you to a small italian place. the lights were dim and they had the typical checkered table clothe along with a single candle in the middle of the table. it was a bit awkward at first, neither of you knew what to talk about so it of course resulted in soccer. after that the conversation seemed to have flown freely, it shifted to personal things and so on. you had almost lost hope that the date would so be so awkward that you'd have to just stay friends but that thought left your mind quickly after. the longer the date lasted the more you felt a fluttery feeling form in your stomach.
an hour and a half later the two of your had left the restaurant and Shauna began to drive you home. it was pretty silent compared to the restaurant. Shauna had put on music which was sounding softly in the background whilst you looked out the window. truthfully, you were itching to do something, hold her hand or maybe even kiss her but you were too scared to. you didn't want to mess things up. Shauna continued to drive in the direction of your home silently until you saw an ice cream shop and offered to buy some since she had been the one that paid for dinner. the brunette didn't seem opposed to the idea and so she pulled into the parking lot that was relatively empty because it was so late.
a scoop of strawberry was on your cone and chocolate was on hers as you both leaned against the hood of her car. it wasn't awkward, it was actually nice. you'd never really thought you could feel so comfortable not having to fill the silence on a first date but Shaunas whole demeanor was just so calm. you weren't sure why she was so different compared to anyone else or if it was all in your head and she was the one feeling awkward. regardless, you turned to face her direction as you began to talk.
"you know . . this is the first date i've ever be on" you confessed a bit shyly. your eyes were trained on your strawberry ice cream and you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. if that didn't make it obvious, the light pink hue on your cheeks surely did. Shauna looked up from her ice cream with her eyebrows raised in surprise. she was sure she had seen you hanging out with guys before. maybe they had just been friends but it didn't seem that way. not to mention the fact that everyone loved you. regardless of your sexuality, guys and girls loved how nice you always were to everyone. the boys especially loved looking at your sweet smile or listening to your laugh even though they knew you were just laughing to make them feel better. being pretty was just the nail on the coffin.
she had her reasons to ask you out, that was a given, but you being the sweetheart that the whole school loved, well, it just made it all the better. hearing that this had been your first date was shocking, surely someone would've already wanted to take you out. she had even seen you with the captain of the basketball team but maybe that was just a fling.
"really?" was her quiet surprise.
hearing her talk made you finally get the courage to look at her. "yeah. is it that surprising?"
Shauna shook her head quickly, "i just thought you dated Mason" she explained. the last thing she wanted to do was offend you or make you feel bad about your dating status. it's not like she'd been on many dates either.
the truth was that you had hung out with the captain of the basketball team. he was cute, had curly black hair that was always perfect. he had a sharp jawline and a perfect smile, not to mention the body of an athlete and he was kind. but he was just like any other guy. his idea of a date was hanging out in his basement with his friends whilst they got drunk or high with you on his arm, almost as if you were a prize. it lasted three months before you couldn't take it anymore. you didn't even talk, when he picked you up to take you to school he would just blast music. during lunch he'd talk to his friends and the one time you went out, he took you to watch a horror movie and tried to put his hand down your pants but you punched him before he could. it was then that you realized he only wanted to be the first guy to ever sleep with you.
after him you began to crush on Shauna so no one else would pry your mind like she would. she'd be the only girl you could think of during the day or before bed. the only time you wouldn't think about her smile and those brown eyes was when you slept.
your lips curved, "we hung out but the only time he took me out, he tried to do stuff that i didn't which led to a punch in the face. so i don't really consider it one" you said with a shy laugh. it was hesitant and Shauna could tell you were embarrassed by what you had just confessed.
"oh" she said her big eyes widening before she began to laugh along with you. that made you feel better about the whole thing.
you shrugged, "yeah. i guess im the cliche kind of spontaneous roses or dancing in the rain or showing up at my doorstep with a boombox. i don't know. i'm kind of a hopeless romantic which is stupid." with a shake of your head, you looked back down at your ice cream. the same blush that had been prominent practically throughout the whole night was still there and it was making your body burn in slight embarrassment.
Shauna was quick to reassure you, "it's not."
her words made your eyes snaps toward her. "really?" you asked hopeful.
she nodded. "yeah. i mean everyone is in a sense. i've actually always wanted someone to make a mixtape for me." she confessed and you could tell she was a bit flustered by her pink cheeks and the way her eyes kept darting down toward her shoes.
a smile formed on your lips. "why a mixtape?"
Shauna smiled as well. "i don't know. i guess the idea of someone taking the time to choose a song and everything is just really romantic" the two of you looked at one another for the first time that night. you saw her and she saw you. it was then that you realized who she was, not just the idea of her. and if you were being honest, it only made you fall even more.
that night during the drive to your house, you learned more about her. her favorite color, her favorite song, the reason she started playing soccer and even how she and Jackie became best friends. when she finally pulled up to your house, you expected her to just drop you off and leave but she didn't. instead, when you turned to say goodbye, she leaned in to press her lips against yours. it was sweet and short. even then, it had been the most magical kiss you'd ever experienced.
music was blasting through the speakers throughout the crowded home. drunk teens were all over the place, some just talking, others making out or playing beer pong. there was smoke from some teens smoking weed and some places were sticky with alcohol that had been spilled because of how drunk they were. outside, where there was a full moon and bright stars crowded around, drunk teens were in the hot tub and others just standing around with a drink in hand. the yellowjackets - mostly all were downstairs where most were playing beer pong. Jackie and Jeff were going against Taissa and Shauna. you had already gone but you sucked massively so you asked Tai to take your place.
you were standing to the side in between Lottie and Van who were talking about the last match which you all had won the last second. you weren't paying much attention, having to listen to them and also the four teens playing was starting to make you dizzy. Shauna and Taissa were competitive which meant they were trying their hardest to win. throughout most of it you could hear Jeff egging them on and telling them they sucked. it was obvious they were all joking by the way Shauna and Taissa had quick joking responses. even Jackie was in on trying to get in their head so she and her boyfriend could win. the prize? you weren't sure, probably just bragging rights but that didn't matter to them.
it was Jeff's infamous halloween party, you had arrived with Lottie since Shauna had gotten ready with Jackie. when the two of you decided to make it official, you didn't realize you also had to include Jackie in almost everything. they were best friends, sure, but Lottie was yours and you didn't have to include her when you hung out or had to cancel plans because she felt like you were neglecting her. you couldn't help but wonder if Shauna did that to her when it came to her and Jeff's relationship. just the other day you had planned a cute picnic date since it was going to be the last time it would be hot out, it ended up being Shauna, you and Jackie. maybe they didn't feel it but to you, it was awkward as hell. you spent the better half of the date listening to Jackie and Shauna talk as if they were alone and you knew your girlfriend felt bad, especially when she would place her hand on your thigh when you looked like you were zoning out or the way she would ask what you thought about the topic. it was sweet of her to think of you but you would've preferred if she had just cancelled.
that specific day had been no different. Lottie and you had gotten ready at your house. Lottie had on a purple skirt and a white shirt whilst you had on a black dress with thin lace at the edges of it. it wasn't irregular for you to wear such short dresses but the way Shauna looked at you when she saw you was like no one else had. sure, guys would gawk over you or check you out shamelessly but it was different when it came to her. she looked at you as if she needed you and you loved it. your girlfriend had on a short dress and you were sure that had been Jackie's doing and not hers.
it had been three hours so you arrived there and it was now almost two in the morning. you were a bit tired but Shauna seemed to be having fun so you didn't want to ruin that for her. she was your ride home after all. Lottie had offered but you hadn't been alone with the brunette since your first date which was almost three weeks ago and you wanted some privacy.
one red cup was left on both sides and the tension was growing between the four teens. Van and Lottie's conversation had been long forgotten as soon as they realized how close the game was to ending. it was Jackie's turn, everyone was tense as they watched her get the perfect angle. a moment later the ball flew across the table and landed swiftly in the last cup. groans erupted between Taissa and Shauna while Jackie squealed. you saw her turn to Jeff and throw her arms over his shoulders followed by him picking her up and spinning her. not really caring for them, you turned toward your girlfriend and friend instead. Taissa booed at them but it didn't really matter to her so she turned toward Van and Lottie to explain how she did have amazing skills but she 'had too many drinks'. that instilled a chuckle of amusement from you.
your eyes trailed away from your friends and toward your girlfriend who was looking at her best friend silently. at first you thought she was just being petty for losing but the longer you looked, the more it made sense. it had nothing to do with the game, it was them. you'd realized that when you first started paying attention to the brunette, the way she'd always look at Jackie distantly when she was with Jeff or the way everyone would always direct their attention toward Jackie and only ever acknowledged her presence with a small greeting. it was always about Jackie and you wanted things to change. things would be different with you, you'd make sure of that.
a smile curved on your lips and you took a step toward your girlfriend. the action made her finally pay attention to you, a small smile forming on her own lips. once you were close enough, you interlaced your hands on the back of her neck and pulled her close to you. "hi," you whispered softly which made her smile grow. she still had her hands at her side, something that had been a habit of hers since your first date. she was always too shy to touch you in any way, probably too afraid that you'd somehow not like her touch and pull away. that never crossed your mind though. instead of waiting for her to decide for herself, you grabbed her hands and placed them around your waist before putting your own back on her shoulders.
"hi," was her low response. you leaned in to peck her lips once making her smile grow and a light pink color to form on her face. you always found it extremely cute that she'd always blush when you kissed her.
she gripped your hips a bit tighter in support which you didn't mind. "wanna go upstairs?" you asked lowly so that none of your friends could hear you and make a big deal out of it. they had been teasing you about any little thing ever since your first date and although you weren't thinking about doing anything other than making out, you knew they wouldn't believe that.
the brunette nodded softly. that was enough confirmation for you to grab her hand and turn to the rest of the teens. "we're gonna get refills," you and began to walk away, not giving them enough time to protest. they were going to play another round which you knew and you didn't want any of them pulling her back. it was about time you had some alone time with your girlfriend.
"yeah sure," Tai called out behind you, "use protection!" she further teased making you roll your eyes in annoyance. with the hand that wasn't interlocked with Shaunas, you held it up and gave her the finger which earned snickers from the rest of the teens.
it didn't take long to get upstairs. there were some drunk teens crowding around the stairs and others making out in your way which made you have to shove past way too many people. the first room you entered was the bathroom so you quickly closed it and went to the next closed door. you wished you hadn't when you saw two half naked teens making out in Jeff's parents bedroom. finally, the next bedroom was empty and from what Shauna had told you, it was a guest room.
Shauna sat on the bed while you locked the door behind you. there was a sense of both excitement and nerves rumbling in your chest. not to mention the zoo of butterflies fluttering in your stomach. she was just Shauna. the girl who was probably just as nervous as you. the girl who had been nothing but sweet with you since you asked her to be your girlfriend. the girl who would open your car door or carry your backpack when she knew you had a more intense practice compared to her. the girl who would leave sweet little notes in your locker when you first started do it to her.
with deep silent breaths, you walked up to the brunette who was sitting at the very edge of the bed. she did look nervous. you could tell by her fingertips that were tapping against her thighs and the way she was biting her lip. it was probably the alcohol running through your body but it was enough courage to straddle her lap. you were hesitant at first, keeping your arms to your side so that she could push you off if she wanted to. she didn't. she placed her hand on your waist like she had just minutes before which helped you place your own hands on her shoulders for support.
you couldn't contain a smile, even when you bit your bottom lip to mask it. of course she'd still see how she was the one to make you like this. "i really like you." the words came out in a low whisper. you were close enough to smell the beer still lingering on her breath. close enough that you could see her soft skin and every little detail on her face. so close all you had to do was lean in a little bit and your lips would be on hers.
"i really like you too," she admitted in a whisper. her eyes kept glancing down at your lips and you knew what she wanted. you knew she wanted it but she couldn't do it. she was afraid to do something wrong or to mess things up with you. so you did it for her.
the distance closed between the two of you as you pressed your lips against hers. she kissed back instantly, her hands gripping at your waist which you had learned was a nervous habit of hers. typically the action would make you smile at how cute she was but the alcohol in you was making your body grow hot in a way you knew well. the kiss was slow at first. you were trying your best to let her ease into it since it was the first time you kissed longer than just a couple of seconds. you eased your way into it, leading her throughout it until she finally eased into it.
then the kiss grew rougher. her hands gripped at your waist a lot harsher as your tongues glided against one another. it was fast and hot and it made you want to grind onto her but you didn't. you weren't ready for that. not yet at least.
instead you gripped the back of her neck in support and got lost in the kiss. neither of you pulled away until your chests were burning with the need of oxygen. it was you who pulled away, both of your chest heaving up and down. pink lips were swollen and both of your pupils were blown out. the temperature in the room had began to rise and although you wanted to take things further, you didn't.
Shauna couldn't help but overthink if you thought she was good. did you think she was a bad kisser so you pulled away? were you going to tell that her that you wanted to go downstairs? it caused a wave of panic to rush through her so she did what she had seen done in movies dozens of times before. she leaned in to press kisses against your jaw, they were light and almost made you giggle but you fought the urge to. it didn't take long for her kisses to reach her neck. she pressed a small light kiss against your skin which made you smile and a small shiver to run down your spine. a second later she pressed down a lot rougher, her mouth opening and her tongue gliding against your skin. you moaned softly at the feeling and tangled your hands through her dark locks. when she began to suck at the skin, you pulled her hair a bit rougher than intended. the action fueled her pride, as well as every little noise you were making. even though you were trying to muffle it why biting your lip, she could still clearly hear you.
she didn't stop until you pulled her back by her hair so she'd meet your gaze. it's not that you wanted to stop but you were afraid that if she didn't, you'd take things further and regret it the next morning. a look of worry flashed through her eyes when you stopped her but you didn't let her overthink as you leaned in to kiss her. the kiss was wet and slow, unlike the one just before. she accepted your tongue gracefully and you could hear the lude noise throughout the room along with heavy breathing. as the kiss progressed, you realized you were wearing a dress and you began to realize that there was a possibly that she could feel how turned on you were. that made you pull away.
her eyes were closed as you looked down at her which made you smile. when they began to flutter open you leaned down to peck her lips quickly before pulling away completely. your teeth were on display as you smiled down at her. you were sure your cheeks were pink because so were here. she looked more disheveled though, her lips were a dark shade and her hair was messy from you pulling on it.
when the both of you recovered from such an intense kiss you both stood up, ready to go downstairs. you helped her fix her hair before you fixed your own appearance in the mirror. it didn't come to your attention that there something on you that hadn't been there when you first entered until Shauna pointed it out.
"shit," she whispered, her eyes locked on your neck. "im sorry, i didn't mean to." she nervously explained. you raised a brow at her, not really caught up on what she was apologizing for. instead of asking, you turned to the mirror and looked where her eyes had previously been staring.
oh.
there was a purple mark on your neck. it wasn't huge but it wasn't exactly small. definitely big enough that anyone else could see. it didn't bother you though. you actually found it kind of hot. you turned toward the brunette with a smile, "it's okay. i don't mind" were your words as you places a comforting hand on her arm.
"are you sure?" she asked quickly, far too anxious to believe you.
you nodded. "yeah. i'm sure"
the wave of relief that washed over her made your smile grow.
lights were hanging all around. there was christmas music in every store, on the radio and on the television. decorations were up on most homes making their house with Santa Clauses or Reindeers. christmas movies were on every channel and stores were packed with shoppers. it was the happiest time of the year and that was true for the couple. the time of year in which most families got together or traveled to celebrate.
wrapping paper was spread around the living room, the chimney on with the christmas tree lit up. the smell of freshly baked cookies and hot chocolate lingered around the kitchen and living room while 'home alone' was playing on the tv. there were kids running around playing with their new presents while the moms were in the kitchen making dinner. the dads of course, were sitting around talking or watching the movie on the screen. you weren't doing any of those things. instead, you were upstairs with your girlfriend who had snuck in after you finished opening presents. the brunette was laying down with you on her chest while you watched a christmas cartoon.
she had been there for almost two hours and you still had another hour before dinner was ready. you had asked your parents if she could come over but they had said no, claiming it was christmas and everyone should be with their family, including you. if only you actually talked to any of your family though. all of your cousins were children and the only one who was around your age, went to Mexico with her boyfriends family. that meant you had to either stick with your dad or your mom. both things sounded boring.
considering it was almost time for her to leave, you figured it was time to give her, her present. when she first arrived you exchanged presents but you had another one that you knew she'd love even more. she had gifted you a necklace with her initial on it, something you had been hinting at wanting since she gave you that hickey during the halloween party. after that night, it was as if neither of you could get enough. every time the mark would fade she'd make new ones. it would always result in your friends teasing you but it was with it. but like expected, your parents saw them when you had gotten in your hot tub. you had completely forgotten about it and didn't apply makeup like you always would. after that they said they wanted to meet your girlfriend. that was a very awkward dinner. your mom had made a 'sly' comment about how hickeys are tacky which left Shauna embarrassed. you hated that. she didn't even try to leave one after that day which would always leave you craving something to show that you were hers. it was soon after that in which you mentioned the necklace.
when you sat up, her arm fell from your waist. she looked at you confused, not expecting you to get up so abruptly. you moved across the room quickly and rummaged your desk until you finally found it. you quickly grabbed it and held it in the air as you turned your body in one swift motion. Shauna looked at you with wide eyes as, a smile playing on her lips at your excited state.
"i have one more present for you" were your words as you got back on the bed on your knees. you shuffled toward the brunette as fast as possible and handed it to her once you were close enough.
the brunette frowned gently, "i thought we said one present each" she said, now upset that she had only gotten you one whilst you had gotten her two.
with a shake of your head you looked down at the wrapped object. "it didn't cost me anything. it's just a small thing that i figured you'd like" you shrugged.
she looked a little hesitant but once she saw how hopeful you looked, her frowned turned into a smile once more and she began to unwrap it. considering how small it was, it didn't take long for the red and white wrapping to be crumbled into a ball on the bed. she looked confused at first as she looked at the cassette until she saw the words written on it. 'when i think of you -y/n'
her big brown eyes looked shiny as she looked down at it with her lips slightly parted in shock. suddenly her body came whirling towards you as she wrapped her arms around your body. she leaned back for a quick moment to kiss you softly before she leaned into the hug once more. you giggled softly at her actions. "those are the songs i always listen to what i think of you. which is always by the way." you said. even though it sounded as if you were joking, you weren't.
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binkszamsstuff · 2 years ago
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Red
Very dark Steve! Mob Steve! Non con! Reader and Steve have a child. Angst!! Lots of grammar and spelling mistakes I’ll edit in the morning or never who knows🤷🏻‍♀️❤️
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Red. the pain, the hurt, the passion, the love, everything was red. He was toxic, he was the obsessive. And you were his feen, his drug, his obsession , his love. But the days blurred, the lines no longer were standing, they had fallen. The fights, the late nights, the guessing and questions that went unanswered by him. It was a house on fire, it was red.
There was no time in the day to plan, with his anger, and yours. It was spontaneous, the fight had started because of steves affairs. The lying, the cheating, he ruined you, tore down all walls, made you just as obsessed with him as he was with you. Just to leave you in the dust, to cheat. To add gasoline to the fire that was you, or what was left of you anyhow.
Peggy was a glossy, classy woman with the perfect bubble of power and wittiness. She was everything you weren’t. You were messy, hazed with trouble, a woman gone mad by a man who drove her there. You were his frankenstein, you were old pieces of yourself glued back together again. The young, innocent, naive, funny, charming, and free girl was now chained to the scars he left.
You ran out of the house in the early morning, he came home late yet again. You had stayed up waiting for him, going to confront him in his act. Thats exactly what you did, but the end was not what you pictured. You hopped that he would hold you, say you were wrong, make love to you like in the beginning.
“Are you cheating on me?’ you asked quietly, you sat on the bed. You couldnt took at him.
“I dont want to have this conversation with you, it’ll only hurt you” steve spoke. That was all the answers you needed. You started to yell, scream, through insult after insult.
“I knew it! You’re scerwing peggy! Huh you’re fucking your secretary!” you yelled in his face crying. He rolled his eyes at you and shoved you to the side going to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
“Im tried of this steve” you sobbed walking to the closet grabbing any bag in sight packing up everything.
Once steve heard you say that so defeated he knew that you were serious about leaving him. You and him had lots a fights because of his actions but everytime he kissed it better. He drew back in promising his love and that it will never happen again. But it always does. Steve now had his suite jacket off, his selves rolled up, strands of his hair in hs face,
“You’re not leaving me” he stated
“Watch me” you said back in anger, masking the sadness.
“y/n i own you, you’re mine! You cant leave me baby” he said getting angry.
“You cheated steve! Again. I-i cant do this i cant sit here and wait for you to love me again. We are not the people we were when we first started dating. I cant and wont be the drunk housewife waiting for her husband whose never gonna come back because his mistress.” you were out of breath from crying and talking so fast while packing.
Steve stepped closer “baby come on its me! Its us! We always get through stuff like this!” he tried to manipulate you with his soft words but this time it wouldn’t work. the naive girl you used died, not even a ghost left of her
“We wouldnt have to “get through this stuff” if you didnt cheat and fuck other women.” you held up air qoutes while talking.
“I love you” steve pulled you in near, kissing the top of your head. You sobbed in his chest, hurt, angry, betrayed. The three year relationship was now smoke, the fire was all burnt out. The engagement ring heavy on your finger, it was a line of whispered lies and i love yous.
Steve drew you to the bed, kissing his way up your neck. His hands sliding down your frame gripping your hips. His false hope whispered in your ear and apologies that didnt have any meaning stuck to you, like a cigarette burn. He took off your clothes and gently laid you on the bed. ‘When was the last time he was gentle with me?’ you thought to yourself as he kissed and licked at you lower lips.
“Say something baby, tell me you wont leave me, that you love me” he begged like he was the victim. You stayed silent, numb.
“prettybaby i love you. Say it back! I need you! I cant live with out you!” both of you now naked on the bed. he pushed himself into your entrance, all you could do was cry.
Steve begged and whined for you back but little did he know the car was running outside waiting to escape him and this burning house.
Steve fell asleep hugging you, his head resting on your tummy his arm wrapped around you. You ran your fingers through his hair, soaking up what was left of the man you used to know, he was burned alive, gone. You slowly pushed him off of you and got dressed, grabbing the bags on clothes and bathroom care you walked out. You looked around the house as you left, the nicknacs and photos of you and steve. The nursery that sat empty. Steve promised children but then came peggy. You kissed your engagement ring and then placed it on the entry table by steves keys.
Getting in the car and speeding off in to what was left of the mess steve made of you.
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One year later-
A wail of a new born was calling out to you in the dead of the night. You never got frustrated being a single mother, reminding yourself when you caught yourself being negative that you could still be with steve. Penny was three months old and her blonde curly hair was sticking in every which way. It made you giggle.
“Hi! Mommys here its okay penny girl” you picked her up rocked her in your arms.
She might be steve daughter but you never let her know what pain she was created from, you would never let her end up like steve nor you.
“Mama loves you” you said as she closed her big eyes again just needing comfort from her mom to make her feel better. Steve didnt know that the night that the two of you had sex before you left was the cause of a beautiful little girl. He had tried to call, and text you put after smaing you phone and leaving to state of New York for Washington you knew he wouldnt find you.
You lived in a little white house with a garden in a small town tucked away from the crazy and hurt.
You sat in the rocking chair in pennys room rocking her, your tiredness was catching up to you. Just as your eyes started to close he spoke from the depths of the darkness that was the closet.
“Oh prettybaby you are such a good little mommy, just like i knew you would be” he walked closer.
You screamed. Getting up with penny in your arms backing away from him trying stumble to the door backwards,
“Get out. Steve get out! I-i cant-” you sobbed your hold on penny grew tighter.
“Baby its okay, i wont hurt you. y/n im so proud of you, look at the life you built for our little girl, now i am mad you didnt tell me you were pregnant. But baby she is gorgeous. Now i need you to decide either you come home or we can live out here. Ya know i kinda love it here. Good thinking babe this is great place to rise kids”
You sobbed harder.
“How did you find us” you asked crying, so scared.
“Oh baby dont be naive, i will always find you”
“You cant be in our life, your toxic and i wont rase my daughter in the life we used to have. She wont end up like us! You cant be here! You ruined me!’ you sobbed and hyperventilated. He slowly walked closer like approaching an injured animal
“Baby i know i know, i was wrong and mean and cruel to you. I was blind i thought you would always be there for me. I took you for granted. Shes gone y/n, i got rid of peggy, shes taking a long nap and i aint ever gonna hurt you like that again. I need you baby…..and i need to be in my daughters life. I cant live without you nor am i gonna be able to leave her all alone now too” he explained
“I wanna have a good life, nothing like the one we used to have. You scare me steve and you’ve hurt me” you said looking at little penny who had a frown on hef face, she could read the distress from her mother.
“y/n look at me!” steve grabbed your face in his hands and made you look at him. “I will make it up to you i promise. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you baby. I cant live without you” you shock your head no
“Its okay i get it y/n we need time, but im not going anywhere” steve spoke again.
“Come on lets put penny girl back in ger crib and go to bed” steve guided you to the crib and put penny down. She was right back to being cozy and sleepy. Steve pulled you in a hug while you sobbed into his chest, he was sliding his hand over your hair while shushing you.
“Come one lets go to sleep.” steve took your hand in his and leaded you back to your room. You laid down still crying, steve undressed himself down to his boxers and then joined you. He spooned you.
“I’ve missed you so much baby” was the last thing you heard before falling into slumber because you had cried yourself to sleep in his arms.
The house was burnt but in its ashes something new rose.
Authors note; i know some people will not understand why she didnt fight more, and the reason why was because she was in shock. It been and year and he shows up and shes like oh crap he found me and our now daughter. She is really scared of him and numb. Also steve is a mob boss by the way.
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dyrus · 1 year ago
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today i woke up and saw tfblade post how he got banned three times and thought that was kinda crazy but funny.
but being one minute out of bed i skimmed it then saw a reply saying he needed to get off the net and that league is a childrens game.
this immediately provoked me because the thought of someone controlling someone else to be online and calling league a childrens game when i made a ton of money off it made me really angry.
so i replied with the "who the fuck do you think you are lmao" and was laughing on my way to the shower.
i played sf6 streamed played baulders with the boys, then checked back on it and saw a bunch of people saying i fell off, i wasnt human, one parasocial weirdo brought up my ex, and one guy being genuninely confused.
i felt anger and sadness for a good hour and then went back to reasess why this happened and realized the context was he didnt just fuck himself over but it was a korean bootcamp so a bunch of ppl that came over got banned not just him.
not to mention korea stans, vtubers fans, league fans all involved. so realizing that i stepped on a landmine i wasnt mad anymore and actually understood why the feedback was so awful and deleted some dumb shit i said and said sorry to the one guy who was confused on why i would ever say such a thing.
i was in a really bad mood at the end of my day but thanks to my friends who let me vent for a little i came to realize that i actually fucked up by not reading more. and even posting in drama filled with these kinds of fans. i'm impressed that anyone even liked my post because now i feel sick looking at the situation so i deleted it.
i still dont think it's right for others to tell people what to do and calling league a childrens game but i clearly missed the point and took a L today.
everything is good with me but i have no motivation to do anything besides play games and keep myself from being to unhealthy (i'm back at 230) but i plan on losing weight again before any event i go to (evo or twcon) next year and hopefully can post some very happy pictures once again like last year.
that was my day, i posted this because i feel like this is my safe space and i felt a little lonely for the first time in months.
i really dont think i would of done anything to much different in my life but so much pain is caused from misunderstandings and miscommunication and sometimes when i want attention and act like a fool once in awhile.
but i have a lot of gamer friends i enjoy playing games with so im good.
holy fuck i hate being bi now it's like double the horny and i dont need any of that.
thanks for coming to my ted talk
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alaydabug2 · 3 months ago
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I freaking HATE being the "Good smart kid"
I used to love it and be proud
But I HATE it now
Context:
I'm the youngest (and only girl) of four siblings
All my brothers are significantly older than me
Like 5, 10 and 13 years
The thing is they're very booksmart
Key word
BOOKsmart
But they don't apply themselves and even try
2 of them were in gifted and beta but they dropped out and didn't care
1 (who has a genius IQ) ended up doing drugs and stealing and ended up in prison
One knocked 2 girls up (one baby mama being legit cray cray) and is a dead beat to both kids
1 nearly dropped out of highschool and us 19 married to a 28 year old with 3 kids (who only really seems to be there for his paycheck)
Well (minus when I was younger) I am the "good child"
I behave do well and apply myself in school
Just got into gifted and starting out freshman year with all honors classes and in beta
I LOVE learning and stuff
But the pressure is getting to be a LOT
Im known by my classmates for being the smart kid and they only really talk to me and include me for awnsers on stuff
They get mad when I try to just help and guide them instead of flat out giving the awnsers
With my parents I'm their "last hope" cause the other three screwed up
I've always been known as the happy little girl and so I don't like crying in front of them because I don't want to worry them
Especially about stupid like this
And I've always done well in school
SO MUCH SO that when I get any sort of grade below a 90 they ask me "are you ok do you need help"
And it makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough (even though they are objectively GOOD GRADES)
Even if they don't say anything when I see anything below a 90 I feel really dissappin in myself
Yeah those jokes about "Oh I did so bad on a test I got a 88"
Yeah that's me
Then furthermore
I just had to miss 2 weeks of the first weeks of school from surgery
And when I got all my makeup work I just had a breakdown because it was SO MUCH to do
First week of high-school EVER in honors
That's a lot
I had a full on BREAKDOWN cause I was stressed out and I didn't want to miss that much school
My mama got upset with me because I was having a freak out (cause I don't usually act like that)
It's not my parents are bad
Not at all whatsoever and love them so so so much
But I feel like I'm not allowed to mess up or get a bad grade now and again because I've always been known for the smart good happy girl
I feel like I can't stray from that in being afraid of dissappinting them and myself
The bar I set myself is so high cause I want to do something with my life because my brothers just dont
I feel like I need to make up for what they didn't do with the potential they had
I don't want them to be sad when I'm lonely at school cause I have friends (I guess)
But I'm not really included in the planning they do (like homecoming) and I don't want to ask to join cause I don't want to be needy and annoying
I'm sure they'd be fine if I did ask but I don't feel like I know them enough to do thay and I don't want to be weird
And when my mama asked me today if they did include me unlike my other school where I just sat and watched I just told her they dud cause I didn't want her to be sad
I literally don't know what's wrong with me
Ik they don't HAVE to be my friend and include me in everything
Thats why I don't ask
Cause they literally DONT have to
I don't want them to feel obligated to either
Cause I've been on that and of the aisle too
And being stuck around someone you don't like but pretend to tk not hurt their feelings sucks
But at the same time.... I just really miss my best friend
I just want to know why I can never get good friends who include me in things and listen
They're either toxic or I'm the pitty friend
Am I really that annoying
But then when I act "normal" and I'm more quiet I just still....
I feel like they don't like me
I've HEARS some of these girls talk about saying others are annoying thay I thought were friends and didn't want to hurt the others feelings
I always get scared I'm that friend
I'd stay by myself but
I CRAVE companionship
Ik some of you are happy to be on your own
But I'm not that
But I'm starting to think feeling lonely is just my best option at this point
I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it
I don't want tk worry my parents
I'm not gonna go around asking my friends "am I annoying"
By bsf lives an hour away
I just... don't know what to do about anything anymore
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hannahlovesluca · 1 year ago
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Hii can you do a fluffy scenario where mysta thinks that reader has forgotten their anniversary, but reader is planning something special in secret or something like that? is that ok? or not? its up to you thank youuuu <33
absolutely!! i love this man sm, so sad to see him gone.. hopefully im feeding the mystakes well 🧡
| Warnings: Angst to fluff, mild cursing
All I’ve Done - Mysta Rias
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October 28th was the date. This was his favorite day of the year (besides your birthday, of course.) He loved the fact that he could shower you in affection, give you presents, show you how much he love-
“Mysta, honey, I’m going out with Pomu today. Girls day, you know?”
He did not expect to hear that as soon as he woke up.
You walked out of the bathroom, looking absolutely beautiful. Hair tied half up half down, earrings, a crop top and jeans… Oh my lord.. Mysta is snapped out of his thoughts when you speak again.
“Is something wrong? You’re quiet.”
Mysta shakes his head ‘no’, feeling disappointed. Although, he couldn’t let you see that. Maybe you were tricking him? Maybe this is a dream, even? He gets up off of the bed and walks over to you, his hands on your hips and head buried into your neck.
“Are you forgetting the date?” He asks softly.
You pause, seeming to think for a second. “I don’t believe so; its the 28th, right?” Your voice is so sweet, so oblivious.
It hurts his heart. You had forgotten something that meant so goddamn much to him.
“Baby, I have to go, I’ll be late.” You smile softly, giving him a kiss on the cheek before practically sprinting out of the room and through the front door.
Mysta finds himself just standing where he was for a few minutes, not finding any motivation to move. You really forgot. It wasn’t a question anymore, it was a statement. You forgot something that meant so much to him, something he had been preparing for since your first got together.
He walks backwards, falling onto his bed before silently crying.
………
As soon as you exit your shared apartment with Mysta, you dial Pomu’s number. It only takes three rings before she picks up.
“Hey, Y/N! Are you heading to mine?”
“On my way. Pomu, I feel so fucking bad, he has no clue what I’m planning; he really thinks I forgot.” You say, looking at the ground and kicking some rocks off the sidewalk whilst still walking towards her apartment.
……..
Once you arrive at Pomu’s house, you see that she had already put up the hundreds of decorations you had bought at Walmart a few days ago, as well as bought the cake and had it on full display in the kitchen. It was a marble cake with beautiful white icing with flowers laced onto the sides, pink icing on all the edges, and in the middle, in orange writing, spelled out:
“I love you, Mysta.”
You’d admit, you were hesitant buying this many decorations, you were hesitant with how time consuming it would be to plan this out,
But, you were so incredibly happy with how it turned out.
Now, the last step, was to text Mysta. Pomu had already left the house, she wanted you guys to be on your own. You thanked her repeatedly for the act of service she had done for the both of you.
Within seconds, you had texted Mysta to come over. Saying that you wanted to give him a fashion show with all that you had bought with Pomu in Diamond City. Of course, he immediately responded, agreeing to come over.
It really only took like five minutes, but it had felt like hours of holding this godforsaken cake in both of your arms, and smiling at the front door. You had already told Mysta that there was a spare key hidden in the bushes outside Pomu’s house, and to invite himself in.
He did just that.
The door slowly creaked open, gray hair and teal eyes peaking into the house. It took him a few seconds to realize who was standing there with a cake, and what the cake had written on it.
“I love you, Mysta.”
Not only was it a beautiful sentence in itself, but it was the first thing you had muttered when you confessed your feelings towards him. Had you remembered this whole time? Why else would you get him a cake?
He took his leisurely time to walk towards you, placing the cake on a nearby table and just embracing you. His arms were wrapped around your sides and his head, once again, was buried in your neck.
“I guess I kind of love you, too.”
………
A/N: AHHH I HOPE THIS IS OKAY… im sorry its super short but i just woke up an hour or so ago and i did this without my glasses so if there are any mistakes im so sorry 💔💔 i hope the mystakes r being fed…
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leclerced · 1 year ago
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I feel like, of all the other guys, Max is the saddest/in the most withdrawal from not having Bunny around when she pulls back to just Lando and Oscar
he was around first, goddamn it, and if he had known he could just *ask* to be her boyfriend, he definitely would have done that ages ago, long before Oscar even entered the conversation
part of him feels like it’s a personal rejection, not only because of the feelings Bunny knows he has for her (she knows that what he’s muttering under his breath when he cums inside her is that he loves her but she doesn’t want to broach that until he says it with his chest) but also because of everything he’s done for all of them - the parties, the lingerie, everything
one day she runs into him at the supermarket in Monte Carlo or something like that and they’re actually alone together for the first time in a month or three and he asks if he can just hold her for a minute and that’s how Bunny manages to stay warm in the ice cream aisle
-〽️
um go away. (pls dont) im gonna cry im in such a max mood ive been watching nothing but max edits on tiktok before i sleep
bunny just waiting for him to talk about his feelings but he doesn’t before they pull the plug on things and like. i think she’d ask for one more night w him to say goodbye and she’d barely make it out of his room before she breaks down crying and the boyfriends are in lando’s room for the night and she’s supposed to join them but she goes to oscar’s and cries alone bc she can’t feel things for max anymore. both of them hiding feelings bc it’s too late. she’d plan on going back to them but cries herself to sleep and they just assume she decided to spend the night w max but when they see him the next morning he looks like shit and they ask where bunny is and he’s like idk she left me. and the words have a deeper meaning than just leaving his room.
oscar searching for her and finding her curled up in his bed alone, willingly sleeping alone for the first time in months bc even her boys couldn’t make her feel better.
max avoiding them for awhile bc he doesn’t know what how to act around them anymore but then months later has a bad race like maybe gets crashed out and he immediately seeks her out and can’t find her and is more disappointed. goes to his driver’s room and she’s already there laying on his couch. she just opens her arms and he lays with her and finally he gets to enjoy being around her for the first time in months. neither of them say anything and eventually someone comes to get him for an interview and she’d look so sad watching him leave but he wouldn’t realize it’s because she misses him, he thinks its just because she feels bad for him for being crashed out.
he wouldn’t even know how to ask them to hang out bc that used to mean fuck but now he just wants to be around her bc that’s all he can do. ill SOB. bunny and him cuddling all the time after he stops avoiding them and him secretly (not) being in love with her but not saying it bc he doesn’t want to overstep. but its worse once they’re almost back to normal bc he has to see her every day and think ab the chances he didn’t take every time she’s cuddling into him.
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hballegro · 1 month ago
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chapter 8. the biggie. part 1.
it is now i reveal a terrible secret to you all;
you can ctrl+f this chapter and compare it to If-- by Rudyard Kipling. and you will find that every god damn word in that stupid poem appears at least once. there are also a few paraphrased lines in there that you might notice.
WHY???
[i am very bad when it comes to gaging ppl's knowledge of poems i think everyone already knows, so yeah, the poem they're sharing is If- by Rudyard Kipling. easy for me to recognize personally because my mom memorized it all in school and would say it to me sometimes]
this process included me writing the whole thing out by hand, ctrl + f for all of the words, highlighting the ones that i had yet to use, and then keeping the list next to me while editing the first draft
and if you didnt notice this fact at all. that means i did a GOOD JOB!! cause its SUPPOSED TO BLEND IN SEAMLESSLY!!
yknow. its the moment hawkeye fell head-over-heels. and bj too, maybe. so ofc i had to include it in the chapter where they finally Kiss. they havent worked it all out yet yeah but. cmon. i cant just not. my options were to either have one of them reference it directly [im bad at that, and would be ham-fisted], or do this insane strat. and i picked the worst option. fuckin Knaves i hate you rudyard kipling for this and other reasons
also; shouted out in the ao3 endnotes but ill do it here to all sneaky-like, shout out to serpercival for both motivating me to put trapper in this chapter via loving the guy a lot and for letting me use their marvelous brain to pick out some subtle nods to Trapper John MD. i dont wanna @ people but hehe i can still link their page >:]
anyway: the painting peg talks abt being erin's favourite is California Spring, as she says, and here it is
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folks i can finally use this meme i made back before i even finished chapter 4
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shoutout to this video for being great to have in the bg underneath my sad love music to really set the scene. Loon moment
if you liked how papa Daniel Pierce acted in this, good! hes based off my childhood best friend's mom! she was very intimidating and always had this serious look on her face but the very first time i went over to their house she went 'psst. [best friend]. hball. come over here my husband is gonna come up the stairs and you should jump out and scare him' within the first 20 minutes!!
so basically hes stern/serious/intimidating [formal letters, the kind of man to not want to worry his son, idk just feels right] but goofy as shit and its all a facade [had hawkeye so he gotta be a lil silly, dinner table talk in Sons and Bowlers]
if you liked how i described hawkeye's childhood home GOOD!! i was describing my grandmother's house the whole time and you didnt even know. that ugly sofa is a thing my grandpa did. get pranked. always draw on experience when possible folks
i plan to have the next chapter out two days from now. THREE at the LATEST. and tomorrow i plan to publish the next Operating in Limbo chapter ~sometime~ before midnight [my time. central time.], or like 1am at the latest since i can stay up late tomorrow. unless the Troubles.
reward for scrolling this far; my saga of proto-names being shit like 'ooga booga' continues in the form of this being the working title for the Big Conversation chapter;
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spacedhead · 1 year ago
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homestuck reread #12: act 6 p3
this is so funny to me im giggling in call and my friends are asking but im not brave enough to say it
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john is fighting jack?? OKAYYYY WIN THIS SHIT THEN
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HI ROSE OMG HI ROSE . it sucks how they cant like communicate with each other at all during the three years. like you guys dont have multi dimensional service? get the iphone plan
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RAHHHHH
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bro shut up LOLLLLLL
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what the fuck is this . WHY ARE THEY BEING SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER GUYS PLEASE YOU HAVE TO GET ALONG
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TRUE we love a dumb motherfucker
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due to speculation???
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johntav
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john looks so goofy here. also drunk rose was silly but also a bit sad
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holy shit this is a lotta trolls
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stop pretending. we all know you want attention stop trying to deny it. AND ANOTHER THING. the stuff that is going on with caliborn? WRDGAF. the meenah intermissions were fun though. some funny dialogue in there. i liked them :) . unfortunately it just made me wanna get back to what the beta kids and trolls are doing... even though i see them every so often i feel like i miss them. like i used to see them all the time! and now... i see them once a year....
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yeah you really screwed the pooch on that one lil bro
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okay this dialogue is actually painful to read BUT it is interesting how a common theme of the alpha kid session is just. Waiting . they have to wait for the beta kids to come to actually make their session winnable and it keeps telling us that . so theyre just sitting around stewing in their juices. also cool that theyre called nobles instead of heroes and their planets each have a noble gas in the title
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this doesnt really make sense over text BUT i see what is happening and. yes jake is the worst. jake you suck we all hate you sorry girl maybe stop being flop city
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yeah okay jane is actually based right now. i cant remember why i stopped liking her. in this conversation jake is ragging on dirk for being too self indulgent and having zero self awareness while talking to jane about his issues. jane is literally trying to plan her own birthday party . jake you are being so fucking stupid and rude and honestly a pos rn bro. get OVER yourself
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cool panel.... a bit scary though! man i love roxy. calliope is good too
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holy shit i did not know that your dreamself has to be alive for you to ascend to god tier on your quest bed. that is interesting.
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YOOOO HI ROSE. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE GONE. and by gone i mean not the center of the story i guess? but either way
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bro is like are you serious right now. is this really happening. also hey equius . long time no see. i guess
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OH HELL YEAH BEST CHARACTER JUST INTRODUCED BTW
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ahahahahaha oh man this guy is a riot. also look at dirk this is huge for the dirk profile picture community which could be me soon
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"it seems i demand milk" NEED TO START SAYING THIS ABOUT THINGS
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oh man i really hate this part. i hope it isnt too long i dont remember if its really drawn out or short
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he is about to die
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he deserved this
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gahhhhhhhhh its too much PLEASE let this end soon
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this shit is IMPOSSIBLE TO READ
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOO fefeta :( best character you will be missed on this grand adventure. but alas we will have to carry on without you. how will we cope? how will we survive?
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i think you are giving him too much credit there . at this point he definitely IS an asshole
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okay well trickster mode is over and things are about to get even worse but i do appreciate the kids talking out their problems albeit in a very non direct way to where they arent actually really solving anything BUT they are at least talking now!! so thats good!! next part things take a turn for the worse somehow see you then
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obeymedweeb · 1 year ago
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Brothers find out MCs a murderer in the devildom
Lucifer
Mammon
Leviathan
Asmodeus
Satan
Beelzebub
Belphegor
MC
It was a nice day and everyone was acting normal as always together. Nearing night time everyone noticed MC had left but she hadn't told any of them where she was going.
Brothers POV
"Hey hey has anyone seen Y/N I wanted to get our nails done together" Asmo says upset. "I thought they were gonna be with one of you guys?" Lucifer says says raising an eyebrow. "Well she aint in 'er room so I'll just give 'er a call she'll never reject a call from The Great Mammon" he says proudly. Everyone looking at him annoyed
*silence*(phone is in Y/Ns pocket and accidently answered call)
"Hello-" Mammon freezes, shocked because he hears faint screams on the other side of the phone "p...please we're so-" then he hears a blade cling as if striking someone.
Everyone clearly shocked at Mammons expressions * line cuts* Mammon drops the phone while looking horrified he wastes no time on putting his jacket and shoes on telling everyone what he heard while doing so.
Evveryone quickly following behind him without a plan, going around the town yelling out Y/Ns name.
MCs POV
Walking out the door making sure no one would notice, I put on a cloack and pull out my Katana holding it on my side once outside.
Sneaking up on people I have business with in an alleyway. As I slowly and quietly creep up on them slashing one of their heads scaring the other three guys the leader being in the very back.
"Yo yo yo what up" smirking at them knowibg they can't see me. "W-who said that" scared looking around. "Haha i don't get it. How can a human like me be able to kill demons like you guys so easily?" You guys are more...powerful. I mean, at least you should be." *slashes another on of their heads off scaring the other 2 even more.
"P...please we're so so-" *slash* i see the boss runing to the end of the alleyway before tripping right before the light hits slowly crawling back clearly terrified "I-ILL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST-JUST DONT KILL ME"
I show myself in the light "shoulda thought about that before you made the deal" as I look down at him. *slash* "ugh man they got my clothes all dirty (BUT IM SO BADASS)" pouting looking at my cloak and shirt though "an' I still gotta clean up"
Turning around looking at the mess sighing annoyed then I start dragging all the body's to one spot and piling them up. It was back to where I entered the alley.
Everyones POV
Instead of separating the brothers decided to stick together cuz logic. Anyway they heard some sounds coming from an alley and someone grunting so they went to check it out.
After MC puts the last body on top trying to catch her breath. "Man these dudes are heavy." Lucifer and the others freeze when they recognize the voice. All slowly walking to peek to see.
MC crouching facing away checking out the bodies and hearing "Y-Y/N?" MC gets up and whips her head towards them whipping blood from her face with her hand.
"Hm, well shit" she didn't care much at first just shocked they were all there
They all look so shocked having absolutely nothing to say due to how shocked they were. MC walks towards them slowly reassuring them they'd tell them everything after being stopped by Lucifer, now cupping her face not gently but not rough either. "Y/N what did you do" MC looks down slowly disappointed for not telling them anything thinking they'd never find out.
-cut to when she cleans up and they all head back cuz im fucking lazy-
It's a silent walk back to house with MC walking in front of them
Lucifer pulls out her katana from its holder "I will be confiscating this till you tell me what happened" MC turns around angry and annoyed "WHAT?? YOU CAN'T DO THAT IT'S MI-" Mammon holds her back wrapping his arms around her "Y/N please stop" "MAMMO-" Looking at his sad expression she calms down her anger but feels more regret now.
Mammon slowly releasing her. They arrive at the front door as Lucifer opens the door all of them letting Y/N on first. Everyone still silent behind her.
With a shaky voice "guys" as she collapses on the floor onto her knees everyone watching "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to tell you guys because i thought you'd all hate me" Lucifer drops the katana and runs to hug Y/N patting her head and rubbing her back.
"It's ok, I think you should get cleaned up and rest now, we can talk in the morning" he lets go cupping her face and whipping away her tears.
She slowly nods as Lucifer picks her up but signaling to his brothers to wait here then takes her to her room.
Lucifer and MC'S POV
Reaching her room he slowly places her down on the bed. "Lucifer i-" he puts his finger on her mouth to stop her from talking giving her a warm smile. "Don't worry about it right now Y/N just go get cleaned up and go to sleep. I'll come check in on you in a bit to see how you're doing." He says patting her head
"O-ok thank you Lucifer" looking up at him as he slowly gets up as Y/N watches him leave out the door.
MCS POV
After he leaves I sigh to myself with so many questions running through my head not being able to thing straight. I soon calm down and head to the shower where I think even more.
I get out the shower and changed putting my dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I looking at the stains on my shirt. "What is wrong with me.." Walking to my bed
I lay down and start crying and end up falling asleep.
BROTHERS POV
They are all talking to each other about what they saw as Lucifer walks into the living room.
"What if she thinks we now think of her different, I mean that is the reason why she didn't tell us" Levi says. They all look so worried. Belphie and Beel are cuddled up together comforting one another. "Beel.." "yes belphie" "do you think Y/N will hate us?" "Of course not, Y/N's not like that.." he says after eating cookies to calm down.
Asmo talks to Satan about it and Levi and Mammon do as well. Then Lucifer walks in and sits down speechless. "Well... I don't know what to do or say. But i... I think we have to report this to Diavo-" "NO" They all shout at him. "Lucifer are you crazy??? They'll get her removed from the program and we'll never see her again" Satan says angry and raging at him. "Look I know what we saw we didn't expect but we have absolutely no explanation from Y/N." Levi exclaimed. They all stare at Lucifer as he makes it his mind "Ok. I don't wish to lose Y/N either so we shall wait. As for now I want all of you back in your rooms and leave Y/N alone for the rest of the night" Asmo really had no words in this situation was only listening in to everything.
Part 2???
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haretic · 4 months ago
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recently i've come into a predicament. my sobriety seems to be causing issues. that or my friends are terrible people.
since a few months ago, i've tried calling quits on drinking and drugs. it is tough, i always feel like an eternally lame teenager, but i'm better off for it.
i don't like who i am or how i feel when i get drunk or high. it makes my dissociation worse, my psychosis worse, and it sends me into these massive spirals.
my friends know this. i've talked to them about it.
since summer break started all they've done is plan hangouts i very distinctly cannot go to. all where drinking and smoking is the main event. i've brought up my sobriety before, they know full well i can't make events like that, but they refuse to do anything that isn't directly centered around intoxication.
i feel utterly and completely alone. only about three of them care enough to plan events with me without intoxicants. everytime i try to make plans in our groupchat, everyone else completely ignores me, leaves me on read or talks over me. they simply do not care if they have to be sober. its no fun for them if they arent sober.
recently, they've all started getting meaner, too. it started with snide comments, then just straight up making fun of my autism, making fun of who i am, making fun of my sobriety, telling me to shut up and find somewhere else to hang out, etc. its hurtful. its really really hurtful.
i don't see why they do it - i try to not bring up my sobriety often, unless it applies. if they're making plans and they ask me to come, i'll just say no thank you, and wish them to have fun. ask them to send me a few pics! i never make myself seem better for being sober, infact, i feel the complete opposite. i feel like a total fucking loser for it. but i know its for the best. when i try to make plans, i try to make sure itll be something fun for everyone. going to hang out at a park when the weathers nice, seeing a movie, stuff like that. they don't care unless theres drugs or booze.
now, on to the topic of tonights cry session, long overdue: they made plans to go on a roadtrip during an event i begged them to attend for me.
they completely ghosted me while i was asking them to come, expressing interest in the event, practically begging them. i looked so pathetic, and they still didn't care about it. so they made plans for when i very specifically couldn't go.
immediately, everyone responded. when i couldn't even get a response from more than two or three of my closer friends at a time. now all the people i had tried to make plans with without a single text back were talking about how fun it would be.
i really wouldnt mind if they said no to my event, thats very much not the issue. i know it isnt for everyone, but i wanted to share my interests and introduce them to the friends i made through it. my issue was that they were entirely ignoring me. i havent gotten to see most of them in a month, maybe longer. i havent even gotten dignified answers from any of them in ages. they act like i dont exist
i dont want to have to break my sobriety just to have friends, but it feels like at this point its the only way i can get people to want to be around me.
i have friends that do care, but i always feel like the people i want to care the most simply don't. not even my own mom cares. she spent the entire time while i was sobbing to her about it defending them. saying it was my fault i got treated this way. made me feel bad about my own sobriety. i feel like im not even liked by the guy i like. i invest a lot of time and energy into him, but i feel like he just doesn't like me to the extent i like him. it kind of sucks.
i just really, really want to be cared for. i want to be cared for and liked and i want people to want to spend time with me. i hate having to bed. i hate having to make myself weak just for people to reject me over and over and over again. i feel pathetic and sad
i just want anyone real, anyone tangible, who can reach out and touch me, to care about me.
i'm done trying though. if they don't want to care about me, they aren't getting that effort back. i officially resign from my position.
which is a total fucking lie. i can't just make myself stop caring. but i've reached a new low point in my depression about it. i feel useless and lost. i have so many friends online who say they care, but that only goes so far. they cant reach out and touch me. they cant force me to leave me house and hangout. and as much as i love them, as much as id want to, i feel like i waste my life away spending it all online.
i want something real. something i can touch. just for once, please. someone who cares unconditionally. someone who will take care of me the way i take care of them. i want someone to be there for me. im tired
i dont know how much longer i can do this. i feel crazy rambling about it. im crying again and i feel totally dead. like someones already hollowed me out like a grapefruit, blended all my insides then shoved them back in the skins like a pate or something then started eating it spoonful by spoonful
ill find a way out soon, i guess. ill find someone who actually wants to care about me soon, i hope.
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bad-knees · 9 months ago
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where i am - feb 17 2024
im out at work, and pretty much everywhere i go, even though i don’t really wear girl clothes, i simply exist and people call me miss. it’s been okay! the excitement’s worn off. it’s still strange sometimes to hear the name mira. the people who’ve been in my life the longest are definitely the ones struggling the most with deadnaming and misgendering me. my new normal. which is funny because most of the time i don’t consciously think of myself as a girl or a woman, im simply myself, and who the fuck knows who that is.
enjoying time spent with friends, and with the small group at the church i go to. enjoying existing among people. though i still have days or weekends alone where it feels like im all alone in the world. my pea sized brain lacking any sense of object permanence. funny how social ive been turning out.
or maybe it’s just a part of me. a friend talked to me about understanding DID within themselves and their parts and internal family dynamics therapy. and so i’ve been thinking about my own lack of consistency. what are my parts? do they have names and characterizations?
im seeing someone and it’s thrilling and exciting. but im also too afraid to get hurt to be too excited about this new thing and about them. im still waiting for them to realize that im not that interesting and that im beneath them and i have nothing to offer them, that im not the wounded animal they want to be carrying around leading the way. their mind is full of facts and history and interesting things, and mine is near empty all the time unprimed and unprompted. i don’t think im actually that boring. i do more than stare at white walls and imagine the same three things surely. there’s a whole universe inside me i simply forget about too often.
i want more time and attention from them than they’ve been giving me. maybe it’ll come in time. or maybe id be better off getting myself busy. with reading and art and experiences and other friends and music shows and other partners. but who knows. it reminds me of a friend and her girlfriend. the girlfriend lives with her mom and doesn’t have much of a social life, but my friend does more. maybe couples figure that stuff out.
how do i relationship? or date to start with? how do i stop being afraid? i don’t want to act out of fear, i want to act out of love.
they got me roses for valentines day. at first i was a little dismayed. a generic gift you’d get someone else. but then i brought them home and cut off the stems and put them in a larger mason jar. and now they sit on my coffeetable and look gorgeous. i love them. and now i feel guilty for being ungrateful at first. thoughts like “do you even see me?” in face of a romantic gesture.
i have a new notebook for mind mapping for poetry and songs. it’s beautiful making mysterious connections. and the rhyming game in my head never seems to stop.
i have tentative plans with a sadist. someone ive hung out with before, but this time around feels different. maybe it’s the different hormone regimen, the introduction of progesterone which has been known to increase homosexual tendencies.
dealing with the newfound reality of feeling attractive. not only in the mirror, not only the nails i got done with a friend last tuesday, but also the inner kind. the emotional expressiveness i lend to others now. authenticity, showing you my beautiful self and all the beautiful things inside me. although these feelings come and go.
a card carrying lesbian. a glittery strap. sensual. ive been told im good at sex.
a friend told me that growing up pentecostal is sorta kinky. to which im seeing the truth in. why do we pretend like we live anywhere other than our bodies?
i feel sad, and then i write, and then the feeling goes away.
sometimes it feels like im going nowhere and nothing is happening. the calendar where i write what happens retrospectively says otherwise. and so does the constant of change and progress im seeing in my art and in my transition goals, and in the person im seeing, the upcoming drama with my family when i come out to my parents, a surgery date set a year from now, the needle i stick in my week every week, clothes and earrings and necklaces i need to go find, the possibility of falling in love with someone who loves me too, books ive yet to read, movies ive yet to see, etcetera etcetera etcetera.
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winderlylandchime · 1 year ago
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1/2 hello, Im back with s5 updates and you guys, I completely forgot what happens in it. The man and I are both in distress now.
Just so you know: he hit play and sat down and just let out a big ‘ughhhhhhhh’ sound. It’s like he’s getting ready for a battle.
‘Okay, let’s fucking go! Brian and Justin living together! Brian being in love! Let’s go! I am okay and not at all stressed’ the ep starts with the babylon mikey/brian scene. ‘Where’s Justin? Why is Mike having a life crisis? (Mikey mentions the surprise trip) reunited? FLYING TO LA?! *pauses tv* EXCUSE ME? When the fuck did that happen? Did i miss an episode?’ The britin phone call happens ‘SO HES JUST IN LA? At an orgy? Nice but what the fuck?! STAY LONGER?! THREE MONTHS?! How long has he been there?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS! Brian looks hurt! (Brian mentions that hed be pissed if justin didnt go to la) OH SO YOURE THE ONE TO BLAME FOR RUINING MY HAPPINESS? Ohhhh he’s gonna come soon Blondie!! He has a trip planned! Brian what? He said he missed you!’ The scene then goes to JR ‘oh that’s just messed up! You show me Brian and Justin and that one just got head! And a room full of dicks and then surprise BABY! That’s messed up. Gus is watching her like he’s planning to throw her out the window.’ ‘Oh shit so mel and lindsay don’t live together? So theyre lying and playing games? Who thought thatd be a smart idea?’ ‘CARL AND DEBBIE MOVED OUT TOO?! DOES ANYBODY STILL LIVE WHERE THEY DID?’ *deb and carl walk in on Em* ‘FINALLY SOMEONE IS ACTING NORMAL’ ‘BRIAN FINALLY! You have no idea how much I missed you. Let’s go to LA to Blondie!’ And now we are meeting Mikey and Ben’s friends ‘wait that was it on Brian? BRING HIM BACK! Who are they? *looks at me* im sorry. I don’t want to sound like a dick. But Jenny Rebecca sounds so dumb, it doesn’t have a flow. *lets out a big sigh* you have no idea how long I’ve been keeping that in. Anyway who are they? Since when the fuck does Liberty Avenue bother Ben? Their neighborhood sounded boring compared to this. Why is everyone moving?!’ Brian mentions he’s not going to LA ‘what the hell?! what’s going on right now? What is this bullshit?! THIS IS STUPID’ now it’s showing Justin in LA ‘blondie! GO HOME! What the hell is going on? (Keller shows up) GO TO HELL! This is somehow your fault! (And connor shows up for Rage) OH COME ON! NO I TOLD YOU HES GONNA BE A PROBLEM! What the fuck is happening! This is not what I imagined’ Mikey mentions he’s throwing them a party ‘no. No. Nooooooooo! Why is he this stupid? (Ben keeps making references about the apartment) my god, he’s annoying. When did he turn into a middle aged white woman?’ ‘BRIAN! Finally! My baby is a success! *makes that pfft noise* HA imagine Brian owning a house in the country. Lameeee! (Brian sees a motorcycle) YES I SUPPORT THIS BUSINESS INVESTMENT!‘ Brian says Justin isn’t coming back *hand on his chest* ‘HUH? Yes, we are both listening! Explain your failed logic to me, Brian! Three? Six? HOW MANY MONTHS HAS HE BEEN THERE WITH NO VISITS? (It shows Justin and Connot having sex) WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! WHY WOULD THEY SHOW ME THAT? FUCK THAT CONNOR DUDE! WHAT IS HAPPENING?? HE HAS TO COME BACK! I knew LA is gonna be a shit show! NO WHAT DO YOU MEAN TIME TO GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE? You FUCKING ASKED HIM TO MOVE IN?! *looks at me all sad* what?’ And we are at Mel and Linds surprise party ‘oh Mike. Dude why are you so fucking obsessed with her 10th anniversary? Has he ever minded his own business with other peoples relationships? (Everyone jumps out) i would kill him. Even if they did want to celebrate it, why would they do it with bunch of people?’ Ben says that line about how now more than ever it’s important people know that gay couples can be committed ‘oh my god. I would go on a murder spree if he said that to me. Why do you as a grown man need two lesbians to help you feel confident in your relationship? Can he be written off?’ Linds wants to tell everyone and Mikey asks “the right time for what” ‘for you to mind your business. It was about 4 seasons ago’
Hello dear sweet anon!
I remember far less about season 5 than any other season for obvious reasons (I haven’t watched it as often).
But yes Brian saying he would be pissed if Justin didn’t go to LA is… well it’s foreshadowing isn’t it? Always put career first, that’s the Brian Kinney motto.
Ahh Boring Ben and Mikey moving to the boring ‘burbs. Your brother is going to have so much fun with this. He’s going to lovvvvveeeee Eli and Monty. (/s)
When did Ben turn into a middle aged white woman? Good question. Followed up with the “it’s important for people to know that gay couples can be committed” FFS. Assimilationist.
Brian buying Babylon is so iconic. He should have always owned it.
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theoracleofgiana · 2 years ago
Text
Meeting Again
(Main Story; Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)
(Tw: creepy behavior, sickness?) 
(The Forest, Corena Port)
Johanna is napping in a tree when someone's voice wakes her up. She startles but keeps her balance. Peering over the side of the branch, she sighs at the sight of a blonde man standing a few feet away. Hoping he didn't notice her, Johanna moves to be flush with the branch. She wills the man to leave with all her might. Unfortunately, the universe has other plans. 
"Ah, Miss Johanna!" The man's voice is too close for comfort. "What are you doing up a tree?" Realizing she has no choice but to respond, Johanna sighs. "I was takin' a nap," She says as she slips down the branch. She looks at the man and slightly tilts her head in confusion. "Who are ye?" She asks, not actually wanting an answer. The man looks hurt for a moment but quickly recovers. "I'm Emir. You saved me yesterday," The boy starts to seem vaguely familiar as he speaks. Johanna still couldn't care less. 
"Look, I only saved ye 'cause I was bored. Ye don't needs to thank me or anythin' like that. I prefer to be alone," Johanna glares at Emir, hoping to scare him off. Emir brushes it off and walks closer to the young woman. "I don't believe that. I think you saved me for a reason," His smile sends a chill down Johanna's spine. Her brain starts to go into overdrive, screaming that she needs to run. "w-wha' makes ye reckon that?" Johanna frowns at her stuttering. 
The boy reaches out his hand and caresses the pirate's cheek. "I think you saved me because you love me," He says softly. Johanna can't take it and kicks the man. She had been trying to be polite, but this was too creepy. As Emir doubles over in pain, she takes the opportunity to run. She heads into town and to the docks. Johanna's mind is full of a million thoughts, but getting somewhere safe stands out the most. 
Hawthorne is shocked by his daughter's arms suddenly around him. He doesn't say a word,  holds the girl, and rubs her back soothingly. The rest of the crew leaves the two alone, most unsure how to feel about the captain acting soft. Hawthorne doesn't care and focuses on his daughter's shaking form. He wonders what made her so afraid but doesn't dare ask. 
It takes three days before Johanna leaves the ship again. Tresella has to do a double-take when the woman walks in. While she doesn't look much different, maybe a bit more on edge, the strange thing was her without Hawthorne. "Where's yer father, wee one?" The demon woman asks, trying not to sound too disappointed. Johanna looks a little startled by her voice but quickly recovers. "He's- Well, he's nah doin' well," Her voice is soft and sad. "Oh no, wha' happened, wee one?" Tresella asks gently. Johanna explains Hawthorne's deteriorating health and how she feared it was yellow fever. Tresella pales as the girl lists off the symptoms her father has. "I believe ye're right. However, I don't 'ave anythin' that can help," Johanna's heart falls with the demon's words. "Come on, Tresella, ye must 'ave somethin'," The girl's pleas are met with a guilty look. "I be sorry Jo, but the only thing that may help 'im can only be brought if ye're a noble," Tresella gives Johanna a pitying look. Johanna scoffs at the demon's words. "Doubloons ain't a problem, I'ave more than enough," She tells Tresella, annoyance filling her tone.  
"I mean, they wouldna even sell it t' me," Johanna's heart breaks again. There was nothing they could do. If they wouldn't even sell the cure to Tresella, what chance did a known pirate like her have? The bell on the door rings, but Johanna barely notices. She focuses on not crying and telling herself that it will be alright. "Ms. Tresella, Johanna, Is everything okay?" Johanna freezes and slowly turns to face the voice. There Emir stands, looking confused and concerned. "Emir, ahoy," Tresella greets the man casually. The blond gives her a nod before looking at Johanna. "What's going on?" 
(A/n: I'm sorry it took so long! It's really hard to write Emir and the whole situation that happens)
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