bad-knees

[bad-knees]

[bad-knees]

where i am

1.

a fling amongst other flings except this one's different one that knaws at my soul it's horny it's cerebral it's heartful it's a glimpse of what i really long for in myself and in you

2.

temporary uncommitted no promises no destination you say you create distance and i think you're afraid of hurting me although you've been so very clear i still hold out for uncertain futures and tell myself that time will be honest

3.

trust it's a word that's been on my mind a lot this year reading the gita letting go of someone i shouldnt have held on to for so long consumed by my own desires when id much rather open my hands to whatever chaos shall come my way can i trust in you the ever present maker of this universe those beautiful words ring in my ears my god will provide all i need my god will provide all i need

4.

moving in a few weeks letting go of what i no longer want in my life some clothes bad habits fear fear of cooking fear of inviting people over fear of speaking up fear of what happens if i dont worry about everything hold on with a tight grip overanalyze a one bedroom space to exist away from my bed lying there has been taking away much of my time lately horny daydreams you know

5.

friends and lovers solitude and community audiobooks small group i want to go to a meditation class to sit in silence in a room of strangers finding peace and home in my restless body

6.

accomplishment i forget that i recorded an album which i guess is cringey to listen to now i want more i want more writing at a computer electric in my hand singing my heart out trying to find something good i still desire so much more songwriting my mountain to climb skills and practice and skills and practice to know what works and what doesnt or maybe there's really no magic formula other than the task of rewriting

7.

my sister's pregnant the world will change tomorrow end of year giving mastubatory a means to feel good about myself

8.

thinking of dharma and position who am i and who am i in relation with others a thinker a feeler an introvert amongst extroverts an extrovert amongst introverts a beautiful mess an observer a caretaker wanting you to feel seen and heard sharing with you the depths of my heart ill never be cool like that i dont have fun at parties often small talk makes me want to die self acceptance is hard i want to be it all but im not

9.

regarding the fling the object of far too many of my thoughts i wonder if ill look back and regret this if i could be doing better than lettting the thought of you muddy the present joy but it's weird and uncomfortable and it demands of me a trust and a patience im not familiar with and for that i think it's good at least it's something i'll look back and know that i've learned from

10.

who writes her friends with benefits a ten page letter who talks with her coworkers about trauma informed therapy who kisses her closest friends with intention the way they like who will give more than anyone can return a girl who never stops

[bad-knees]

reading the lines of my ashy palms flipping through a deck of old tarot cards tracing a map from here to wherever you are

unexpected, so completely worth the wait ill know when i hear you say my name let down my guard falling an act of faith

melting into your arms, i ask is this okay you say yes we don’t need words where we’re going breathe intertwined with breathe

it’ll be so nice to meet you will i recognize you from a glance lingering in the dark of your eyes for too long all while you’re staring back

[bad-knees]

the unwritten cost of nostalgic hyperfixation

[bad-knees]

where i am

caught a cold in a heat wave either from a first date parting kiss or from gay bar dancing high with a friend who didn't want to be alone

so ive been staying inside inactive, lethargic skipping work writing more shitty songs reading a book about cptsd taking notes on how fucked up it was all back then the AC is too loud and so i chose to sweat and dehydrate i would so love to go for a walk

my whole family hates me making clear that im the cause of their suffering insisting that im a confused boy and ill soon turn around and sometimes i wonder if they're right

i wish someone would see me and tell me im not crazy that detransition is a form of suicide if i already feel despair about the shape of my body why would i go back the way i came

an alien a stranger in the world i don't belong here i used to feel like i was like everyone else but right now i dont

going through life with no one to lean on crawling back into old patterns social anxiety, self disgust, shame forgetting im a girl deserving of love the light inside me has gone out open me up and clean out all the dead bugs

knowing it'll all be over soon ive a trip planned in a few weeks and ill get over this cold real soon this heat wave will pass and ill feel alive again

it might take a week, or a month, or a year but the moth will find her way home here again in the warm back porch glow

[bad-knees]

flailing

when i first met you i was manic hyped up from a book i read about taking meds with no prescription recommended by an ex

trying to write a brand new story watering the garden of my life all i wanted doesn't seem so far away claiming what was always mine

the feeling only lasts a moment i would have only dragged you down as the water starts filling up lungs and i scream and make no sound

like it all needed to happen flailing around to no effect to get you out of my system so i can feel it all again

[bad-knees]

a narcissist stays in on a saturday night

this flame is getting a little less brighter convenient fiction falling apart i can try to live on autopilot but i miss following my heart

turns out the roof was made of paper only took a gentle breeze to knock it down i know the past is only a story i can change but i dont know how

spend another night numbing out the pain just to make it worse digging my own grave

counting all my sins where love should have been i keep looking back making myself sick

change my name my phone my address start again like a second draft disappear no one's going to notice a memory living in the past

wishing i was a different person who makes art and has really weird sex fantisize about being special while these poems go unread

waste another year and scream till someone hears do you win a prize for being the most sincere

giving up the fight quieting my mind is this really how you want to live your life

[bad-knees]

sentiment

drawn to invisible violence daggers formed by my spinal chord digging right into frame

choke me, press down on my chest tell me im disgusting, unworthy i cant breathe

love in the past tense is suffering a frame of reference for newfound joy to you commonplace to me a taste of heaven

love in the future tense is wishful thinking lofty, idealistic, stirred by soundtrack music and so i overanalyze that last text you sent me for hints to confirm a delusion

desire outside possibility go be creative and find new joys that will satisfy can i give up looking for what i thought that i needed a fixation ruining my life

will the tears untie the knots in my back is there a deeper lesson to be learned here i've nothing to offer you but sentiment and nothing ever goes as planned

tepidly i leave the door open to new characters new trinkets and setting fleeting joy in unexpected connection that guides me where i meant to go

[bad-knees]

heat wave

a book on my shelf about getting lost that i read on a plane ride four years ago time goes in circles or spirals and history rhymes

another says write out three pages past the point of my knowing pull water from the well till my eyes deceive me pulling up a crying baby

i can water the plants in the garden and hope this pays off on better days the infinite distance of past and future only existing in storied interpretation

show up at a stranger's door learn the names of his cats he makes a weird face while he's cumming and we hold each other till i sneeze

we talk about finding new language she writes the end of the world three drinks to realize that this is a date a short car ride back to her place

letting life make choices for me when i look back you were my favorite a particular vibe, honest and grounded one last kiss, a parting present

scheduled decisions chasing a sense of freedom till i find something new to complain about disappointed, wondering if it was worth it can i live with never knowing as if i'd ever choose the alternative

longing for my life look to look different moving into a new apartment daily guitar practice and making new friends gentley doing life together

high waisted shorts in the summer our hands write new ways to feel pleasure kissing till we can't get any closer bed sores and happy ever afters.

[bad-knees]

what the fuck is rizz. tell me i’m the knife you twist inside yourself

[bad-knees]

riverbed

letting my toes curl into the riverbed rooted, connected, dependent, a tree shedding any illusion of separation finding rest in unbroken communion

putting the full weight of my body onto yours, you still smell unfamiliar seeds of goodness wait around the corner as i open my hands in want

[bad-knees]

and yet

nearing the end of mulling it over all the wrong that i should have seen and all i want to do differently the next time

it's too late to tell you about thoughts festering in my mind and in notebooks questions with no definite answers like how are you doing right now

i was so ready and you seemed so too a trust fall where you left me hanging intention, assurance, inaction

space you carved out that you couldn't fill digging a hole in my heart to plant a tree but you missed the most important part

did the nice words come in flashes of affection after several days of silence "can i make you a playlist?" the void speaks to the absence

or was it a fear of loss breadcrumbs as internet calls it a tug of war that rewards the uncaring detachment self fullfilling safe as armour

glasses on the nightstand clothes coming off the look in your eyes revealing a deeper more vulnerable you who i came to long for to witness to experience

maybe there was no deeper meaning no words in between the lines no face behind the mask hanging in interminable uncertainty

but there's only one you and i miss you as i will until i completely forget you even if you made me miserable

uncommunicative undependable unavailable

boyish ambitious delightful a companion so smart and so sweet home that i wanted to burrow my head in

and yet and yet and yet

[bad-knees]

revisionist history

in a coffeeshop alone shoegaze music, muffled vocalists on my phone i wrote write till you feel that the numb is a mask for hurt

once upon a time id write out my days in verbs and nouns mustache, jackets, hair dye, pedal board, the fall of rome, stoics, living out purpose, writing you a letter

when you told me that night that you should get going to feed your cat at 6am the next morning i wish i asked and held on a little longer not to stave off the inevitable written in from the start but for the moment's beauty we could have created together memory picturesque etched in amber falsities

will you change the script are you still going on first dates i told you to be upfront even then i wouldn't have run

though i wish i didnt concede in accepting less than what i really wanted and what i really wanted was you

until attraction morphed into paranoia and obsession poisoned by mistrust moral dilemmas self love

does the thought of me toss and turn in your brain do you think of me when you're lonely did i take up a corner of your heart ill never know if you cared

now that the music's over and now we're no more than strangers if i saw you on the street would i smile and pretend like this doesn't still hurt

i took your consolation prize offered over a five minute phone call you said you still wanted me in your life a sidelined minor character

until i couldn't anymore

two alternate stories incapable or unwilling arriving at the same ending does it matter which was real?

third times a charm ill fuck up what comes next expectations reap disappointments aviva said i might meet someone tomorrow save me probability or fate a script recited on shitty first dates

putting my life in order goals, progression habit, aspirations who wants to make love with nihilistic disinterest can i really say i've changed?

a notebook of negotiated acceptance when did the longing start? and more importantly when does it end?

summer around the corner poems to be rewritten welcoming a cast of new characters maybe ill adopt a plant or a social hobby and cook a meal with a friend change your habits, change your life

as i watch the embers of passion die out and yet for some reason i still stick around

[bad-knees]

where i am

a date who thought i wanted to only be friends until we started kissing she hasn’t responded to my texts

coffee with someone i was dating telling me about their married poly partner the things they put up with and weird things that happen during sex

texted a friend about how i now see them as immature that friend doesn’t like that person hot and cold  but she only sees them through the stories i tell her and i run hot and cold

anxious avoidant fear of control fear of being taken away from myself and the place that i love ive been there before with someone who always wanted to call who didn’t know how to spend a moment alone

i spilled coffee all over my shirt i got new art to cover the walls and some prints from a magazine i need to pull apart

it got hot one day and everyone was excited and now its cold again my red scarf is running in the laundry ive had a little phlegm in my throat for the past few days hopefully just allergies

drinks with a lesbian transfem who’s yet to transition if i didn’t need to go through all this would i have there’s no point in comparing my path to that of another

dharma my purpose the call of my life i ask myself how do i want to be who i want to be today and in this moment in this relationship in this situation to reclaim some sense of agency when im lost in the sauce lost in scrolling on my phone or lying in bed and daydreaming about sex

fixations on absence im only getting hotter and wiser and more myself the hope inside my comes and goes but i can only walk forward what other option do i have

flashes of insights moments of narrative cohesion and gratitude when i say i am glad for where ive been and where im going a girl with holes come finger the wounds in quiet intimacy ill let you be the one to hurt me

pining after you after you’ve let me down you called it a pause did you mean it a prisoner to your dereliction

i have so much to do while im waiting love ive yet to learn in the meantime and books that need reading ideas that long for encounter like statues weathered out in the garden

you say you’re afraid to write how you feel that to take up space with emotion is burdensome and you talk to the girl with emotions consuming burning me alive

[bad-knees]

it really is insane how waking up early will grant you access to some of the most beautiful sights and sensations in the world that will make you want to live forever, but only if you overcome the gauntlet of a thousand razors that is getting out of bed early. truly one of life's little saw traps.

[bad-knees]

what if you’ve been thinking about me / as much as I’ve been thinking about you