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theyreonlynoodlesmike · 4 years ago

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Melting Wax, Crawling Vines: Part 4 (Vincent Sinclair x Fem!Reader)

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Warnings: mild cursing, paranoia/anxiety

Word Count: 3062

We love exposition in this house

Vincent had only seen you for a few moments. You'd been carried in by his brother, Bo. He'd placed you on the couch, and, naturally, Vincent had peaked out from upstairs to investigate. He thought that perhaps you were someone to add to their collection, or a new toy for Bo to mess with. Bo, usually, kept the pretty ones like yourself to himself. His twin was good at charm, good at smooth talking almost anyone. And he was good at not caring about whether or not they wanted to be kept. When he saw the way he'd laid your head carefully back on the pillow, a million thoughts were going through his head.

Bo usually took any outsiders to the basement underneath the auto shop. But here you were, being gingerly placed on their living room couch. He reached for one of the knives at his hip just before Bo was heading straight for him. He relaxed his hand, letting it sink back into the hilt. Bo had explained quickly and quietly.

They were going to keep you for him . Vincent had stared at him with one blue eye, gratitude and surprise filling it. Never before, not even technically with the wax figures, had they had someone who was for him. The wax town was their mothers dream.

He'd stared at you, peeking around the corner to take in your unconscious form. You had piqued his interest completely, even if he knew your sleeping form would soon contort into horror and screaming. That the peace would leave your features the second you realized they didn't intend on letting you leave Ambrose.

Bo had to snap in his face to make sure he was listening, make sure that he understood that you were going to be his teacher. Not one of his wax figures. He'd nodded. He wasn't stupid, but his brother seemed to forget that sometimes. Bo hadn't had time to explain much more, as you'd started to stir.

"Go on, get. Stay out of sight." Bo told him, and Vincent had reluctantly retreated out of sight and back down to the depths of his work shop. As he returned to the wax figure in the center of his room, his head was now filled with distracting noise as he tried to force himself to focus. He wanted to know more about you. You were the only new face that he would see and not become wax. The mysterious figure laying on their couch.

Eventually, he found himself listening in the middle of the hallway, leaning against the wall as he heard your voice filter through the house. He listened to your story, finding that it didn't sound too different than something their victims would describe. But that one thing you'd said struck him, and he knew it probably struck his brothers just the same. I should've killed that sonovabitch , you'd said. The Sinclair brothers had long ago made their peace with what happened inside of this town. Perhaps, eventually, you would be able to make peace with it too with an attitude like that. It could take awhile, but the brothers would have time. However, when you agreed to stay, a strange feeling of relief had crept into his chest and he'd finally been able to force himself back down to his workshop.

***

It didn't take long for the three of you to part ways. You'd called your apartment complex, letting the woman that worked the front desk know that someone was going to pick up your storage unit for you. When she'd asked why, you'd told her that you just didn't feel comfortable parting with it for an entire night. When she tried to insist that it'd be safe, you cut her off and told her to expect him. You didn't mean to be rude, but you hardly had the patience to argue with her knowing that your ex could be there any minute. Lester had offered to take the longer drive, as he'd said he knew where the town was anyways. So, it was up to you to show Bo where you'd left your car.

You leaned with your head against the window of the tow-truck, secretly relieved that Lester hadn't suggested you come to get the unit with him. You wouldn't be able to stomach the anxiety that trip would've induced, and it was nice to ride in a car that smelled like motor oil and grease instead of roadkill. Bo smoked, one hand resting out the window and the other on the wheel as the Louisiana heat competed with the a/c inside the tow truck. You looked over, watching as Bo brought the cigarette to his lips. He looked over at you, catching your stare and smiling to himself. You looked away, shyness and embarrassment filling you from having been caught.

"So," Bo started. He paused for a moment. "This might be a little too much to ask, and I don't mean to offend." You turned your head back to him, arching a brow to show that you were listening. "Which one of you was older?" He asked, and you stared at him in confusion for a moment before you realized what he was asking. It wasn't what you were expecting, you'd give him that. Given his flirting nature, you'd expected a much different question. Instead, you ran a hand through your hair and softly said,

"She was." You smiled to yourself for a moment, turning to look out the windshield before you added, "By ten minutes. She always used to joke about having to wait for me for everything." And Bo smiled at that as well. You watched him take another drag of the cigarette, changing his grip on the wheel, before he said,

"I'm the oldest," And you found yourself looking at him over in surprise. You didn't know he had any siblings. Well, you figured you could blame that on the fact that you'd only met him that day. "Born less than a minute before my brother, Vincent." And your eyebrows shot up. The news that he had siblings and that he was a twin surprised you.

"I didn't see him back at the house." You commented, trailing off. You wondered when you'd get to meet him, and hoped he wouldn't mind your intrusion. You were going to be staying with them, after all.

"Oh, he's just shy. Stays mostly to himself." He said, and you nodded. But the news didn't stop you from biting at your lip. You didn't want to cause any waves between the brothers, especially because you were sure that Bo hadn't asked Vincent before he offered to let you stay. You bit at your thumb, and Bo looked over to arch a brow at you. You pulled it from you mouth, realizing that he must've noticed the anxious habit. His brow lift was questioning, and you could guess what he wanted to know.

"Vincent," You paused. "Vincent won't mind me staying with you, will he?" You asked, and you watched the way he broke out into a grin. He laughed to himself, taking a drag of his cigarette.

"Is that what you're worried about? No, no. Vincent won't mind a bit. Having someone as pretty as you around the house? He won't mind at all." He said, and you had to turn away to hide the smile creeping up your face. You shook your head lightly, choosing to ignore his flirting remarks. You looked out, pointing down the road. You didn't even need to say anything, as Bo was already remarking, "I see it." And stopping in the road before making a three point turn. You were relieved from the sight of your car, and to see that it hadn't been stripped or broken into.

You'd gotten out with the intent to help Bo, but, just like Lester, you thought you were slowing him down if anything. Eventually, you just ended up sitting on the hood of your car and eating a bag of chips that you'd packed for the ride. You offered him some, and he took off his cap to wipe his brow before he took the bag. He'd hooked your car up, and now all he needed to do was lift it to tow it back to Ambrose. He chewed for a moment, before he said,

"So, Lester told me you teach sign language, right?" And you were quick to nod. That you did. You wondered where this was going, but Bo didn't keep you in suspense. He was just like Lester in the way that he wasn't one for long silences. "Well, my brother, he," He rubbed his face, as if he might not know how to put this. Or maybe he was debating how much he should tell you. "He's got a facial deformity. Wears a mask to cover it up. Bit of a freak. Might scare a little lady like yourself." He said with a laugh, looking as though he expected you to laugh with him. You didn't. You didn't like the use of that word, but you didn't say anything and waited for him to get to the point. "Anyways, he can't speak too good because of it. Since you said you wouldn't be able to pay for your car, do you think you could teach him?" He adjusted his stance, and the look he gave you already told you that he expected you to accept. Truthfully, you couldn't find a single reason as to why you'd refuse.

"Of course. I've- I've taught adults, and I'll try to teach him as much as I can before I leave. And, well, you'll probably need to take lessons too so you can understand him." And Bo nodded along with that, even if he looked away and seemed reluctant with the idea. He didn't seem like the type to particularly enjoy school, but he agreed nonetheless.

"Sure, sure. Well, we can start tomorrow if that's alright with you." And you gave him a nod. It seemed like the best idea to you too. "Alright, well, if you don't need anything else then let's go." He said, rapping his knuckles against the hood of the car and passing the bag of chips back to you. You threw it back into your car, before you were shutting the door. As the pair of you each walked to your respective sides, he asked, "You hungry?" And after you replied,

"I could eat." It didn't take long for the pair of you to decide to get something for dinner. It'd been about a fifteen minute drive, and, even if it wasn't the town you were moving into, you were still nervous about the potential idea of your ex finding you. So, you stuck to Bo like glue, practically hiding behind him every time you saw someone who looked a little too much like your ex. You'd gotten a couple of pizzas. By a couple, you meant that you'd gotten three large pies. At first, you didn't even know how the two of you were supposed to finish them until you went back to Bo's house and watched him devour over half a pizza by himself. You'd eaten two slices, and you almost thought that Bo would've finished yours as well if you hadn't been there. The pair of you had been watching TV, eating, drinking, and waiting for Lester to return. It took less than an hour for his truck to pull up, your storage unit attached to it. Lester walked inside the place like he lived there, and Bo simply said,

"There's pizza in the kitchen." Before Lester was heading that direction. He came back with two slices on a plate, and suddenly the three pies made a little bit more sense. He sat in-between you and Bo and asked,

"What're we watchin'?" Right before he stuffed his face full of a slice. After a full episode of whatever Bo put on and several slices of pizza later, you figured there had to be some sort of relation between the two of them. Their mannerisms were too similar, and they were just too comfortable with eachother not to be related. You figured they were cousins, maybe even brothers. The thought of brothers brought the mysterious Vincent back into your mind, and you wondered where the third of their little family may be. Soon, Lester was wiping his face and asking, "So, do you need help unpacking?" And you realized that you hadn't talked about your sleeping arrangements yet.

"Oh, do you have a guest bedroom?" You asked, but Bo shook his head as he pried a beer bottle from his lips.

"Nah, you'll take Vincent's room." And you were flustered by the bluntness of the statement. You quickly shook your hand out in front of you, saying,

"Oh, I couldn't." Earning a glance from the brunette. With the way he looked at you, you guessed he wasn't used to being argued with. Quickly, you explained. "I mean, won't Vincent mind?" Being in his house, taking his room. You knew you would. Bo chuckled, seeming amused by your statement.

"He won't. He barely uses it." And you bit your lip. You looked between the two of them, before giving Lester a shrug.

"Sure then." You said, and Lester took your plate to take to the kitchen after giving you a smile. You'd only needed one of your suitcases, really, but you searched for a box to carry to make yourself feel a little less bad about Lester carrying the suitcase. You heard the door open, and Bo announced that he was gonna head down to town to finish up some things. You'd watched him leave for a moment, before you went back into the unit and found the box you were looking for.

You didn't know how long you were going to be in Ambrose, and you didn't imagine there'd be much space in Vincent's room. But, as Bo had eluded, it was practically empty. There was a dresser, a pre-made bed, a bedside table, a mirror on the wall, a rug on the floor, and that was about it. Lester had carried your suitcase for you, and you set your backpack on the bed. You looked over at him, telling him,

"The bed is fine." And you watched as he lifted it up onto the bed. You opened the box, revealing the contents inside. It was mostly books and folders, but there were two picture frames inside. One was a family photo when you were young, one with both of your parents. The other was a more recent one of you and your sister. You didn't look at either of them long, and went to set them on the bedside table. Lester looked over your shoulder, glancing at the pictures.

"That your sister?" He asked, and you gave him a nod as you went to unzip the suitcase. Luckily, you'd stored your unmentionables in the pocket on the top, so you didn't have to worry about Lester seeing anything you didn't want him to.

"Yeah. We were identical." You told him, and pulled out some of your shirts. You went to the dresser, pulling out a drawer. You weren't surprised when you saw it was empty, and you tucked your clothes inside. You knew Lester was just looking for a topic of conversation, but you didn't feel like lingering on your sister. So, instead, you asked, "Anything fun to do around here? The house of wax any good?" And you watched as he chuckled and nodded,

"Yeah, Vincent's a hell of an artist. It was our mothers originally though," And your ears perked at his words. So, they were related. He was biting at his nails, and you hummed.

"I'll have to check it out- If that's alright with Vincent." You quickly added the last part. At this rate, you weren't sure Vincent was going to end up liking you. You didn't want to intrude any further. You turned your head for a second, hearing a creak of a floorboard. Lester, however, was quick to steal back your attention.

"Nah, Vincent won't mind." And your attention was stolen from the sound. You looked back at him, not quite sure if you wanted to take his word. You took out some of the books, placing them on top of the dresser. If not to just give yourself something to do. "That house of wax though, that was our mothers pride and joy. She had big ideas for this town." And you hummed. You bet that she did, but you guessed the same thing happened to Ambrose as every other small town. The interstate. You arranged your books on the dresser, a question burning in the back of your mind.

"Any idea when I'll meet him?" You asked, looking over your shoulder at the man. He grinned, chuckling to himself as his eyes flashed to the wall. Just for a moment, almost too quick for you to notice.

"Soon, you'll meet him soon." He'd said, and you found his words strangely cryptic. But, you resigned yourself to the fact that your first meeting probably wouldn't be until your first class. And, while you could've sworn you heard footsteps, you blamed that on your mind playing tricks on you.

Seeing that you seemed to have everything handled, Lester excused himself. You'd invited him to the lessons before he left, and he'd accepted before he said goodnight. You'd smiled to yourself, hearing the door click as Lester shut the door behind him. You finished packing away your things, before you decided to shrug off your clothes and change into your pajamas. Even if your bedtime was far away, you thought you'd be more comfortable. You pulled your suitcase off the bed, kicking it under it before you climbed on top. It felt a little weird to be sitting on top of someone else's blanket and sheets, but you'd forgotten your set in your car. You pulled some of the folders out of the box, taking out the ones that were filled with the lesson plans for your adult class. All you really had to do was shorten the class size. You let your evening pass by as you began prepping for the next night.

#house of wax #house of wax 2005 #bo sinclair #vincent sinclair #vincent sinclair x reader #lester sinclair

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augustwxllow · 4 years ago

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part three

maybe this will be the last instalment maybe it won’t be idk, we’ll both find out at the end together

henry’s pov

henry watched as the doctor scrambled for the paddles and the nurse started doing chest compressions on alex

he didn’t know if the doctors knew he was there but soon they probably would if he sobbed loudly

“charging... clear!”

the anaesthesiologist took the oxygen tube, which connected to the machine, out of henry’s mouth and the nurse removed her hands just in time as the shock was delivered

both the nurse and doctor, as well as henry, looked at the heart monitor

no change

the nurse immediately went back to doing chest compressions as the doctor waited for the paddles to recharge

“charging... clear!”

it was a routine that went on for two minutes and henry started to panic

he felt his hands fidgeting with the strap across his chest

henry caught attention of the doctor who took a step back and shook his head at the nurse

the nurse didn’t stop but instead nudged her head towards henry’s direction

henry’s panic only became worse when the doctor turned around and saw him and went wide eyed

the doctor quickly turned back to look at his patient and then back at henry and then grabbed the paddles immediately

“charging... clear!”

no change happened but he looked at the nurse

“go find me as much ice as you can and bring it here. im not having the death of the first son of the united states on my hands”

the nurse immediately ran out and almost came back immediately with two buckets and placed it around alex’s head

henry’s panic kept rising as he watched the clock

“come on love. don’t do this to me” henry whispered

“don’t leave me”

“charging... clear!”

no change

the nurse resumed compressions

“it’s almost four minutes doctor”

henry thought he squeaked at that and he knew he did when the nurse looked at him

henry knew not all medical shows weren’t accurate that didn’t mean he didn’t research stuff afterwards

but henry knew that after four minutes there would be permanent brain damage

“please love. i love you. please” henry begged one last time

henry watched as the doctor charged the paddles

“history, huh? bet we could make some” henry whispered to himself

henry looked down at his feet as he listened to the doctor deliver the last shock which would help prevent permanent brain damage

that sound

the sound of reassurance

the sound of life

the sound of henry’s fiancé being here

henry looked up and saw the heart monitor beeping at a normal rhythm and watched as the doctor quickly put the paddles away and worked on fixing alex’s shoulder

“fucking hell alex you dramatic asshole” henry let out in a shaky breath

henry watched as the doctor finished up with tying the wound up without the worry of alex would flatline again

henry stayed where he was

he didn’t think he could move after he watched alex laying lifeless on the table for nearly four minutes

suddenly the sound of a door opening caught henry’s attention

he turned around and saw the doctor there looking at him

“apologies your royal highness. im sorry you had to witness that”

henry held back the urge to roll his eyes

“the first son is in a stable condition and hopefully he will make a full recovery. we will have to keep him here for awhile to see if there is any brain damage due the amount of time he was deprived of oxygen”

henry just nodded and the doctor looked at him

“i know im not to speak to like this in front of a royal but he is one lucky bastard”

henry smiled at that and laughed smally

“that he is” henry replied

the doctor nodded and moved his head in the direction of the exit and showed him to alex’s private room

when the doctor reached it with henry he turned around when he heard his sister yell out his name

“you do rather need to be quiet in places like this bea”

“im sorry but i did call out for you four times but your brain was clearly preoccupied with the thoughts of your fiancé being okay”

henry sucked in a breath as the doctor looked at him

“i will not speak a word” he said simply as he held the door open for bea and himself

the two of them stepped in and bea handed him a bag with some clothes in it

“please do get changed so we can burn that uniform. i don’t want to see it again”

“when did you have time to get the clothes?”

“well when you originally told me to go get them i went downstairs and got shaan and zahra and then when i was waiting out there i got bored so i decided to go home and get you some clothes and eat your hidden stash of jaffa cakes”

“excuse me?”

“oh hush hush. just get out of that hideous thing”

henry listened to his sister and went into the bathroom and stopped out of the uniform

“you know what have a shower too” bea called out

henry did do that because he needed something to clear his thoughts before he sat down beside alex’s bed for the next god knows how many days waiting for him to wake up

henry felt clean when he stepped out of the shower and felt comfortable when he pulled out his sweatpants and the alex’s shirt

when henry stepped out, he saw bea had taken occupant of the lounge as she channel surfed so it left henry with the chair next to alex’s hand no doubt bea doing it on purpose

henry sat down and took hold of alex’s hand just as zahra and shaan burst into the room

“shhhh!” bea scolded

shaan shot bea a look but zahra’s eyes were focused on the rise and fall of alex’s chest

“i have to call ellen” zahra stepped out of the room, shaan not far behind

shaan and zahra never came back in and henry could only presume they were standing outside guarding the door

it had been hours since henry last ate and he was starting to get hungry but as if bea knew she left and immediately came back with food for henry

“you can go home bea. i will be quite alright” henry told her as he ate a bit of whatever she got him

“so who proposed to who?”

henry choked

“what?”

“did you propose to alex, or did alex propose to you?”

“it is none of your concern” he told his sister simply

“oh dearest brother, how could possibly think i would not want the juicy details?”

“i really do not think you would want to know bea” he gave her a look

she did not deserve to know who proposed to who it was henry of course as if she couldn’t tell by the band that was around alex’s finger

she also didn’t deserve to know the aftermath either henry hid a smile after remembering that did more than just two rounds after alex said yes

bea just gave him a disappointed look

“you’re no fun baby brother”

henry smiled at that and finished off whatever he was eating and just looked at the rise and fall of alex’s chest

henry had no idea how many days had passed

two???

three???

he didn’t know and his heart began to sink at the thought he would recover

bea had persuaded henry to go home multiple times but he refused there was no home if alec wasn’t there

ellen had flown in two nights ago with june and nora in tow

they’d all stayed for a bit and nora grinned when she saw the band on alex’s finger and june freaked out and ellen just gave henry a kiss

henry didn’t realise how welcoming they claremont’s had let them into their arms nora was a given since she was dating june

what surprised him most is when his nan had sent flowers to alex though when he looked at the card he could tell they were not from her as the words were too kind for her bitter heart about henry’s love for alex

henry was sitting in one of the chairs when he heard someone enter the room. he turned around and saw his brother standing there

“phillip?”

“i just wanted to pass on my congratulations to you and alex”

“im sure you don’t mean that” henry scoffed

“i know i may not approve of it like nan does not but bea may have slapped some sense into me the other night”

henry took notice of the bright red handprint which cover his brother’s cheek and he held back a laugh

“oh... well um thank you i suppose”

awkward silence sat between the two of them and henry wished he would leave already

“just because i do not approve of it-”

“phillip” henry gritted out

“doesn’t mean i shouldn’t stop you from being happy”

“bea made you say that didn’t she” henry said after a moment

“no. i may have had martha slap some sense to me too” he commented as he pointed to his other cheek

at that henry did laugh

“i’m sorry if i haven’t been the best of brothers but hopefully some time in the near future we could become better”

henry sat there for a moment and thought bullshit like that would happen

“i’d like that” henry said simply i would very much not like that

not long after henry said that phillip left and bea entered the room

“did you really slap phillip?”

“yes and it felt bloody good to do so” she beamed

henry laughed at his sister

“mum wants to come to visit but she can’t bring herself to. she thinks it’s her fault since the assassination attempt was on you because she made you go out to the research facility”

“mum can come. im not mad at her or hurt by her if that’s what she thinks”

bea nodded at her brother and then left the room silently

henry let out a sigh and bea entered the room again

“also, not the best time but there are a whole bunch of music playlists people have been making on spotify-”

“bea” henry groaned

“you need to listen to them. the playlist all have to do with you two and i don’t know whilst you’re waiting for your fiancé to wake up maybe you could pick out a song for your wedding”

“you need to stop saying it like that”

“i will ask alex, as soon as he wakes up, who proposed to who, watch me”

bea left the room again and it was just henry and alex

alex and henry

just the two of them like it was and how it should be

stealing moments together

but not like this

this was pain and torture

“please love. come back to me” henry said as he squeezed alex’s hand

not long after henry released his grip, the other hand twitched and henry felt his heart surge up and almost go through his mouth screw the exaggeration

henry looked at him and the heart monitor started to increase slightly but died down when alex’s eyes opened

“love?”

alex gave him a quizzical look and henry almost burst into tears

he didn’t like that look

not one bit

he hated himself for having to witness that look

the look of ‘who are you?’

#im so evil for giving another cliffhanger #i promise you though part four will be the last one #i swear on my life #henry fox mountchristen windsor #alex claremont diaz #bea fox mountchristen windsor #phillip fox mountchristen windsor #zahra bankston #shaan srivastava #red white and royal blue headcanon #red white and royal blue #rwarb headcanon #rwarb #rwrb #casey mcquiston

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xmalereader · 5 years ago

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Modern! Ben Solo X Sith! Male Reader

|| Masterlist ||

Requested: Hi! So I'm a huge fan of your modern!reader writings, and I was wondering if you would be interested in doing that, but the positions are reversed? Where Ben more or less is having a hard time just naturally fitting in on Earth and Reader somehow contacts him through the force and eventually convinces Ben to come with him?? Idk this has been kn my mind for a while.

Warnings: Slight angst, Modern Ben solo, reversed roles, dark lord reader, innocent Ben, slight fluff, Bi Ben.

@lea-the-foxe

“Supreme leader, we have arrived. Would you like us to prepare your ship?”

“Yes, please make sure that no one follows me and don’t send anyone unless I say.”

Hux gives his supreme leader a small bow. “Yes supreme leader.” He says as he exits the large room as y/n glanced outside, just a few miles away was Earth. A planet that took him months to find, it was a very well secured and hidden planet that y/n had to make sure that they scanned the whole galaxy to Just find this one planet.

He hasn’t heard about this, ‘earth’ but he does know that the population of humans don’t know anything about them so He order his people to make sure that they stayed hidden below radar, not wanting to cause any alarm on earth. “Make sure that everything is in control, I’m counting on you Hux.” He says through the force bond that he has created with Hux before leaving his own thrown and heading towards his chambers, getting himself ready before landing.

He’s made some research on earth, making sure the blend in well with the proper dressing and material he would be able to blend in with the crowds. He’s been sensing a force on earth and it has been calling out to him and he’s been trying to search for months but came up with nothing until now, he figured out about earth a while ago and has ordered his people to search everywhere in the galaxy. He’s been feeling this pull for awhile and now that he’s here he can finally search for the person responsible for this urgent tug.

As y/n finishes dressing up he gives himself one last look in the mirror, adjusting the black jacket and fixing up his hair, trying to make it look a little less nice and more modern looking. “Supreme leader.” He jolts in fright as he glares over at Hux who has re-entered his chambers. “Your ship is ready.”

“I’ve told you to knock several times.” He hisses out and ignores Hux. He grabs hsi saber and tucks it underneath his jacket before leaving his room, brushing past hux as he makes his way towards the shipping area. “While I am gone, I need you to make sure that no one is to disturb me, if we suddenly get pulled into danger then you send a holo.” He instructs as he climbs inside his ship and checks the controllers.

“I’ll make sure that nothing happens while you are gone, but for now focus on your own mission.” Said hux as y/n grins at him and closes the cockpit. He makes sure that he is ready to launch, strapping hismelf in as he sighs deeply and looks up ahead. “Lets do this.” He whispers to hismelf.

—

“Ben, you haven’t eaten anything since you’ve returned from your uncles.” Said Leia as she watches her son. Ben was sitting on the dining table as he stares out the window, he was looking at the sky with curiosity. “I’ve already eaten, uncle gave me some of his weird cooking.” He says as he turns his attention back to her.

Ben has been spending time with his uncle constiantly since his parents were still arguing with each other, reaching the point of Ben not being able to stand their bickering. His uncle was nice enough to Lend him a room, allowing him to stay as long as he wanted, but he knows that he would have to return back home and make sure that his parents haven’t killed each other.

“You’re Uncle isn’t feeding you properly.” She mutters out as Ben chuckles.

“Old man is lonely, he cant cook well but he’s learning.” He stands up from his seat, taking one last look outside before helping his mother clear the table. “How’s Rey by the way?” Ben freezes up at the mention of her name, walking towards the kitchen as he sets his plate inside the sink. “She uh—“

“She’s a very sweet girl.”

“Yeah about that,” he began to clean his dishes as he spoke. “We broke up a long time ago, I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship, you know? Just need time on my own and finding a new place for myself.” He shrugs a little as he turns off the sink water and cleans his hands with a dry rag.

He hears his mother shuffle close to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “That wasn’t the reason.” She whispers as Ben bites his lip. “You still hear them.”

Ben flinches away from her touch. “I haven’t been hearing it lately, it’s not bad and besides its going away so I’m fine.” His mother was talking about the voice that had been talking to him for awhile now, it’s been years, to be exact three. It started when he was at work, working on one of his big projects when he suddenly heard a soft whisper. He thought that it was one of his co-workers talking to him but when he turned around he saw no one. He thought it was his imagination until it happened again, but this time he heard it loud and clear, he thought he was going crazy at first.

But he had tried to ignore, blocking it out as he continues on with his life. But it only got worse as months went by so he had no choice but ot tell someone and that someone was his mother. He loved her so much that he wouldn’t do anything to upset her, so the day he told her—he expected her to freak out and send him to a therapist but instead she stood by his side and told him that it would all be over and to not listen, so he did that.

He’s been keeping it undercontrol, but he can’t help but feel a sudden tug in his chest. A feeling telling him that he didn’t belong here. He’s been struggling already with his own problem that he almost missed the times that his parents argued with each other and having to deal with a relationship that didn’t really feel real anymore. And his Job was only becoming stressful, the new interns were getting on his nerves, to the point where he would want to smash their face through a computer screen but he had to remain in control.

So he changed some things, he began to visit his parents separately and try to help fix their relationship while he visited his uncle Luke who he had tried to convince to help him out with his mother but his uncle refused to get involved, leaving him on his own. His break up with Rey didn’t end well, the two were out together when she suddenly brought up their future a topic that he hated talking about. He was polite to ask her to stop but she didn’t causing him to snap at her and dumping her on the spot.

He was already struggling to much, he just wanted a new start and far away from all of his problems.

“Ben you should really see a therapist about this or a doctor.”

“I said I was fine!” He slaps his mothers hand away from him as he grabs his coat and makes his way towards the door, leaving the house in a hurry, not wanting to get anymore upset with her.

“That wasn’t very nice.”

“Get out of my head.” He growls out in anger, walking a little faster as he heads towards an empty park.

“I can feel your anger, you’ve been angry for years now.”

“Shut up!” He grips his head, he can’t give in.

“It’s okay to be angry and upset, so let it all out no one is here to judge you.”

“What do you want with me?! You’ve been pestering me for years now! So tell me, what do you want!?” He circles around, checking his surroundings as he pants heavily. He can’t allow this voice in his head to mock him, “I just want you.” Gasping he turns around to see a strange man standing a few feet away from him. “Hello Ben, I’ve been waiting for you.” That voice, he recognizes that voice from his head.

“Who are you and how were you talking to me just now, in my head?” He asks as the other gives him a grin. “You don’t know do you?”

“Know what?!” He shouted back, expecting the other to get frightened from his anger but he doesn’t flinch nor does he move. “You see Ben, me and you are alike. You just don’t know it.”

“What—?”

The other approaches him slowly, causing Ben to stumble back. “Have you ever done something that was considered impossible?” He asks. “Have you ever felt another’s emotion or hav been so angry that you may or may not have moved an object, or maybe a voice in your head telling you what to do?” He cocks his head and smiles at Ben.

It wasn’t a warm smile but a wicked one.

“How do you know all of this?” Ben glares at the other as he sighs deeply. “Because I’ve been watching you, the force led me to you and it want me to take you in, to train you to make you stronger, wouldn’t it be nice to just start over? To learn something new?”

The offer sounded tempting to him but he couldn’t, his parents were here and hsi whole family, he can’t jus leave like this. “Who’re you?”

“I’m y/n, but where I’m from I prefer others to call me Supreme Leader, but if you agree to follow me then ill allow you to call me whatever you like.” He adjusts his hoodie and reaches under his hood to take out a cylinder like rod, it was black with a sigil on it.

He could feel a sudden tug on the object, like it was calling out for him. “You feel it don’t you?” Ben snaps his eyes to y/n as he holds out the object towards him. “go on, take it. I know you want too.” He whispers and takes a few steps forward, causing ben to realize that he was slightly taller than the other. By instinct he takes a step back, “Go on.” He hears y/n say again. “take it.”

Ben glances back down at the object, slowly reaching out to take it into his own hand. At the sudden touch he feels a strong powerful feeling, causing him to gasp and drop the object. But before it could hit the ground it froze in mid air, his eyes widening as the object slowly floats up and into the hands of the other. Y/n grips onto the saber and eyes Ben. “Shame you didn’t get to use it.” He says with a small pout, almost making it look like he was making fun of him.

Ben could only glare at him. “Don’t tease me.”

“Oh but I like teasing, its the only thing I’m really good at it.” Y/n admits as he clips the saber back on his belt and turns back to face the other. “I know you felt a strong force when you held it, it was calling out ot you. Telling you that you belonged somewhere else and not here.”

Ben breaths out nervously, he wasnt wrong. He’s been feeling unimportant around others that maybe disappearing wouldn’t matter to anyone.

“Join me, I know you want too.” Y/n extends his hand out, offering it towards ben.

Ben gives his hand a glance before looking back up to face the other. “I can train you, make you a better person. You can become someone a lot better—“ Ben inches closer as y/n slowly smiles. “I can take you away form everything.” He whispered out as Ben takes his hand, wrapping his fingers around his hand.

Y/n’s lips twitch up into a smirk as he tugs Ben forward, placing his other free hand against his forehead, showing him various visions before he falls asleep. Y/n uses the force to keep him from falling, reaching into his pocket he takes out a com, a holo of hux appearing as y/n speaks. “General, prepare an extra room, Will be having some company.”

#male reader #star wars x male reader #kylo ren x male reader #ben solo x male reader #kylo ren #ben solo #star wars tros #star wars tros x male reader #modern reader #modern fic

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uncommoncold · 4 years ago

Text

Inevitable

Summary: After all they have been through together, will Seonghwa and Yeosang find their happy ending?

Word Count: 9k

Content Warning: Emotional, Angst, Dom Park Seonghwa, Sub Kang Yeosang, Voyeurism, Rough Oral, Bondage, Blindfold, Masturbation, Sex Toys, C&B Slapping

Seonghwa turned his phone over in his hand contemplating the conversation he had just had with Yeosang’s girlfriend. She had come over to Yeosang’s secret apartment unannounced and had gotten more than an eyeful of Seonghwa buried balls deep in her boyfriend. She had of course, stayed to enjoy the show. She liked to watch and watch, she had. However, she got a bit more than what she bargained for.

She wanted to see him to discuss it.

Why she came to him instead of to Yeosang, he could guess. He was sure that she didn’t think Yeosang would ever do anything that she didn’t tell him to do. When they began this little game, that might have been true but it wasn’t anymore. He was becoming a stronger person. She had him so well trained, he was sure she couldn’t see that, or maybe she didn’t want to see it. He didn’t necessarily think she was a bad person but she didn’t really understand her boyfriend and what he wanted or needed.

There were more than a few things he had wanted to say to her over the last year, he didn’t like the way she treated Yeosang. Yes, he wanted to be hurt and used but he was still a person. He was a beautiful, passionate, unique man who needed to feel that he was loved and from all he had seen, that was something he hadn’t felt. So, while Seonghwa probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet her, he did it anyway.

He waited until Yeosang went for a shower before he grabbed his coat and keys and headed out to meet her. He had no intention of telling Yeosang about the meeting, if Yeosang was going to talk to her then it needed to be something between the two of them. It was already complicated enough as it was.

She was already there when he arrived. She was a beautiful woman with an intense presence, he could see what had drawn Yeosang to her in the first place.

“Thank you for coming out to meet me.” she said to him from the booth in which she sat. It was obviously chosen with privacy in mind. It was still early in the day so the bar only had two other customers and they were seated at the bar, far away from the table in the back corner.

Seonghwa nodded and took a seat opposite her. “What can I do for you?” He knew exactly what she wanted but he decided to let her say her piece first.

“I think you know that I saw you and Yeosang together.” It was obvious that he had, he stared right into her eyes as Yeosang asked Seonghwa to choke him.

Again, he nodded.

“I thought the agreement was that whenever you two were together, I was to watch. I didn’t think you two would be seeing each other without my being present.”

He was quiet for a long moment, choosing his words carefully. “We agreed to certain times and places where he and I would be together and you would watch. We never agreed that would be the only time he and I would be together. I think that’s something you should discuss with him, don’t you think?”

“I know he would never go against my wishes. He brought you into this to please me after all.”

Seonghwa’s eyes glittered as he clenched his teeth, trying to keep his temper. “Yeosang is a lot more than you think he is. I’ve held my tongue on the topic of your relationship with him, I though it wasn't my business to inject my opinions into it. However, I don’t think I can keep quiet anymore. Do you have any idea how Yeosang felt about himself before? Do you know how he feels about himself now? He is starting to find his feet and a strength within himself that he didn’t know he possessed. I want to help him find that. I want him to be able to look in the mirror and see how gorgeous he is and not see a freak looking back at him.”

“This wasn’t just my idea. This was his desire. I did something you never did, I asked him what he wanted and this was what he wanted… he wanted us to be together.” He took a deep breath to calm himself, leaning forward to rest an elbow on the table between them. She looked stunned. “There is something very important that you’ve missed in your relationship with him, it’s consideration for Yeosang. Yes, he wants to be used but he was afraid of you. To be a good master and a good lover, there is really only one thing that matters… that’s what your partner wants and when their needs are as special as his, it matters even more. Anything else is just selfishness.”

He really hadn’t intended on staying long, he intended to say what was on his mind and leave. That was still what he planned. He didn’t think she was a bad person and he didn’t really think that her treatment of him was deliberate, she probably thought she was giving him what he wanted because he never challenged her. But if she had been more concerned with what he wanted, then she would have known.

“I care about him.” she said defensively.

“Not enough. Not more than you care about yourself.”

“Are you saying you do?” Her eyes narrowed shrewdly.

Seonghwa smiled, “Yes, I do. I care what he thinks, wants and needs. I care about his happiness. That’s the only thing I want for him, his happiness. I love everything else we do together but if he’s not happy, then what I want doesn’t matter.”

“You’re in love with him.” she said flatly as if it was simply a matter of fact and not conjecture.

“Yes, I am.” Seonghwa stood up, “In case you’re wondering, while I do want him for myself, I’m not doing anything at all to try to push him away from you. I just want him to know what it feels like to be cared for and loved. I don’t know where that will lead but as long as it leads to his happiness, I’m fine with that. I hope you will be as well because it might mean he leaves one or both of us behind.”

He dropped some money on the table, “Have a drink on me.” He paused before adding. “No matter what happens, I hope you’ll think of Yeosang first. He does care for you.”

Yeosang’s lady said nothing as she watched Seonghwa walk out of the bar. Was what he said true? Was what she saw really Yeosang’s doing? Was it what he wanted? She heard him plainly ask for Seonghwa to choke him. He was different with Seonghwa than he was with her. Was he really afraid of her? She wasn’t foolish enough to think that it was all a lie, she had seen the evidence with her own eyes. He hadn’t waited for permission to touch Seonghwa. He hadn’t waited to be told what to do. He had in fact, been a very active participant. How many times had the two men been together without her knowing? They lived together, it could have been dozens of times but they also lived with 6 other people and were extremely busy. It probably wasn’t as often as she was imagining.

Regardless, Park Seonghwa had given her a lot to think about.

***

Yeosang sat in his small apartment, lost in thought. His lady had called him and said she had something she wanted to talk to him about. That had been three weeks ago and he had been ridiculously busy. But he could have made time if he wanted to. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to see her as he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say to her.

There was a discussion that was long overdue between them. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk about but she sounded as if it was fairly serious. With that in mind, he realized exactly how jumbled his emotions, his thoughts, his everything had been lately. He had brought Seonghwa into his sex life as a bid to please his lady but it had turned into something else entirely. The question was, what had it become? Where was it going? What had been little more than just sex very quickly became something else and he was responsible for that. He discovered that he didn’t just want to be someone that Park Seonghwa fucked. He wanted to be important to him. He wanted …

Shit.

He ran both of his hands through his hair and clasped his hands at the back of his neck. There was no point lying to himself anymore. That was what he had been doing for slightly over a year and it was getting harder and harder to keep up that pretense. Seonghwa didn’t deserve it and in truth, his lady didn’t deserve it either.

What he wanted was Seonghwa’s love.

What he wanted was to love him in return, actually that was a lie - he already did. He wasn’t sure exactly when he fell in love with him but he had been in love with him for quite awhile. His vicious jealousy had been evidence of that. It had been evidence of his own confusion. While he cared deeply for his lady, he realized what he felt for Seonghwa was very different. It went from the highest peaks where he was sure that he might float away to the point of his heart aching so badly he thought he might die.

Now he knew and he couldn’t pretend anymore.

The simple realization that he was in love had given him a perspective of his behaviour and an understanding he had previously lacked. He knew why he had been so jealous, why he had been so irrational, why so much hinged on just the man’s smile.

Yeosang picked up his phone and opened a message to his lady. He only hesitated a moment before he typed in, “I’m at my apartment.”

She answered a couple of minutes later that she was on her way.

There was the familiar nervousness that settled into his gut when he knew he would see her. He pushed it away and typed a message to Seonghwa, “Are you free tonight?”

He stared at the screen for a while but there was no answer immediately forthcoming. Instead of sitting and staring at his phone, he got up and cleaned up a bit. Seonghwa would be proud of him, cleaning with his nervous energy.

There was a knock at the front door.

He was kind of surprised that she didn’t just come in as she had always done before. He answered the door and invited her in. For the longest time, she just stared at him as if she were trying to plumb the depths of his very soul. He shifted nervously and looked down at his feet. Was that what she was waiting for? That was how he used to act. Now … He shook his head and looked back up, meeting her eye. “Please, have a seat. I’m glad you came, there was something I wanted to talk to you about as well.”

Yeosang steeled his spine and did his best to push through all of his trained behavior to what he wanted to say. He had no business dating someone when he was in love with someone other than who he was dating. What was more, he realized that he had lost himself somewhere along the way. Seonghwa had helped him realize that. It was nothing that the other man had specifically said or done but in everything they had been together. He almost wished he was there for support but this was something he needed to do on his own. Before he could speak however, she asked him a question.

“Are you in love with Park Seonghwa?” The expression on her face was utterly inscrutable.

It was strange to have someone ask him something he had just recently sorted out for himself. Was it obvious? It wasn’t as if she had seen him with Seonghwa a good deal but maybe it wasn’t Seonghwa, maybe it was him. Maybe he was just the one who was different. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, “Yes.”

She nodded. “I guess that’s it then.”

“I still feel like I should say something… There was a lot I didn’t know about myself when we started. I don’t think- I don’t think that I was ready to meet that part of myself. I’ve been trying so hard to come to terms with who I am and what I want. I just buried it beneath self loathing and disgust. Lately,” he paused and looked thoughtfully into the distance. “I think I’ve started to see that what I want and what I like is okay. I feel … better. I feel better about myself . I’ve come a long way but I’ve still got a long way to go. Thank you for everything.”

With a small smile, she reached up and laid a hand on his cheek. He really had changed a lot. Maybe she hadn’t wanted to see how things were out of selfishness. Maybe she had grown complacent. Whatever it was, it was obvious that things would never be how they once had. “There’s a light in you that wasn’t there before. I can see it now. I wish I had been the one to make you shine. Be happy Yeosang.”

With that, she walked out of his apartment and was gone.

Yeosang flopped down on the couch and closed his eyes. He felt… lighter. He had been afraid to end it, afraid that no one else would ever accept him for what he was. Now he knew that wasn’t true. Seonghwa accepted him without question, accepted all of his quirks and foibles… and kinks.

Seonghwa… It had only been about four hours since he had seen him and he already missed him. Is this what love was supposed to be like? He didn’t even know.

Yeosang’s phone buzzed beside him. He picked it up and saw a message from Seonghwa, “I’m outside. Can I come in?”

“Come in.” He typed back.

By the time Seonghwa made it to the door, Yeosang had it opened already and was waiting for him with a brilliant smile. “How did you know I was here?”

“Well, you weren’t at home and you were asking me if I was free. I thought that must mean that you were here.” As soon as the door was shut, Seonghwa leaned in and claimed Yeosang’s lips in an intense but brief kiss before saying, “By the way… I am free all night.”

Yeosang clung to him as a sudden and intense feeling wrapped itself around his heart. He buried his face against Seonghwa’s neck and inhaled his scent. Seonghwa always smelled clean and fresh, he smelled of home. Home was where Seonghwa was.

Seonghwa noticed Yeosang was trembling and acting a little strangely. “Hey, hey, Yeosang look at me. Are you alright?” The expression on his face was absolutely fraught.

“I want to ask you a favor, you can say no but … Just for tonight, would you pretend you love me and make love to me?” He lifted his head to look up into Seongwha’s exquisite face. Yeosang’s eyes were overbright with unshed emotion.

It was on the tip of Seonghwa’s tongue to assure him that he didn’t have to pretend to love him but he had the feeling that there was something else behind this. “Why?”

Yeosang’s bottom lip quivered almost imperceptibly. As much as his heart ached for Seonghwa when he was apart from him, he knew what he needed to do, though it might just kill him. “Because I love you and tonight is our last night together. I want more than anything to stay by your side but I’ve been thinking a lot and I realize that right now, I can’t do that.”

“It might be hard to believe but saying this is killing me. I want to be a better man. I need to be able to love myself before I can love you the way I want to. If I want us to ever have a chance, tonight…” He choked on the words and couldn’t say anything more.

Seonghwa considered him quietly before he smiled. It was the most loving smile and it almost crushed Yeosang. A single tear slipped down Yeosang’s cheek and as he always had been, Seonghwa was there to wipe it away. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Yeosang pulling him into a warm embrace. “I am so proud of you. I don’t think I can ever tell you how much I admire you.”

How hard it must have been for him to come to this decision. Yeosang loved him, that this could be the last time he would ever hear those words from him wasn’t what he chose to focus on. It was more that he wanted a future together so badly, he had to walk away to give it a chance to happen. Seonghwa looked up at the ceiling and blinked back the tears that threatened, squeezing the man he adored tightly. He wanted to tell him that he loved him but he couldn’t add that weight to his shoulders. Instead, he took a deep breath and leaned back to look into Yeosang’s eyes. “I wish you could see how beautiful you are to me right now.”

Yeosang drew a shaky breath, his bright eyes locked with his lover’s, “Make love to me, if just for ton-...”

Not giving him a chance to finish, Seonghwa leaned in and sealed his words with a heartfelt kiss. No one knew what the future would bring, but tonight he would show Yeosang every ounce of love and passion that was his to give. Even if it would be the last time, he would love him with everything he was. It all belonged to Yeosang, whether he knew or not, he hoped he could make him feel it. Yeosang melted against him, their kisses became gasps and breathless sighs.

Seonghwa’s lips trailed over Yeosang’s jaw, nipping at his earlobe, down the side of his neck. The sweater that Yeosang was wearing slipped down over his shoulder and the heat of Seonghwa’s tongue trailed along his exposed collar bone, “You’re so fucking beautiful, every… single… inch of you.” The sweater was pulled up over Yeosang’s head and discarded onto the nearby couch. Yeosang’s fingers fumbled with the buttons on his lover’s shirt, at this moment when all he wanted was his naked heat, they were far too small and fiddly. With a little help, he managed to get his shirt off. Immediately, he bowed his head to drag his lips across his golden skin, tongue laving Seonghwa’s small dark nipples, down over his ribs, his flat stomach.

“Let’s go to bed.” Seonghwa said in a sultry low tone.

Yeosang nodded and caught Seonghwa’s hand, lacing their fingers together, he pulled him with him toward the bed. It was a place they had spent many hours and he doubted he would ever be able to lay there without thinking of the time they spent together. Of course, he never wanted to forget, not a single moment of it and tonight, he wanted to build memories that would last his lifetime.

Yeosang watched with hungry eyes as Seonghwa removed the remains of both of their clothes. Again, his heart squeezed in his chest and tears threatened but he swallowed against the lump in his throat and fought back through the tears, pulling his lover down atop him on the bed.

Seonghwa wasn’t rough, he was achingly sweet and gentle. Whereas he had always been the one worshipped, now he was the one who worshipped the man he loved. He kissed, tasted, and adored every inch down to his toes and back again. Yeosang was near mindlessness as he felt Seonghwa wrap his fingers around both of their cocks and stroke them together. “Please…” Yeosang rocked up, fucking against the nimble caress of his lover’s fingers.

“Please what baby?” Seonghwa’s lips brushed against Yeosang’s ear, the warmth of his voice sending a shiver down his spine. “Tell me what you want.”

“I w-want you inside me. Make love to me…”

Dragging his lips from Yeosang’s ear to his mouth, kissing him as he released his grip and shifted so that they lay on their sides facing one another. Just like the first time, Seonghwa took his time, grinding, rocking, pressing forward only to pull away. Frustration slowly building so that Yeosang was ready to force himself onto the cock that toyed with him but he waited, enjoying the encroaching madness. At long last, when he pressed forward, Seonghwa didn’t pull away, instead he pressed in and slowly hilted himself.

“I love you.” Yeosang whispered over and over against Seonghwa’s lips, it was a litany, it was worship. The words he denied himself all these months, the words he might never be able to say again, he said them now. He tasted his own tears on his lover’s lips and sucked them from his tongue. He wrapped his legs around Seonghwa’s slender hips and met each thrust with his own.

What Yeosang didn’t realize was that they weren’t his tears he tasted alone, they mingled with Seonghwa’s. With his heart breaking as his body soared, Seonghwa opened himself to Yeosang as he had never opened himself to anyone before. As the first tendrils of molten sugar swirled down into his balls, swelling his cock, he crushed his lips against Yeosang’s and wrapped his fingers around his cock, stroking. “Come with me.” he whispered against him.

Yeosang jerked as he peaked, the tight sheath of his body convulsing around Seonghwa deep inside him and together they came, spending their passions in love.

***

It was late in the day when Yeosang finally opened his eyes. He wasn’t sure what time it was when he fell asleep only that he had fought it for every last second. Despite what he said and what he knew needed to be, he never wanted last night to end. If he hadn’t known better, he would have truly believed that Park Seonghwa loved him.

It didn’t take long for him to realize that he was in bed alone.

In truth, it was what he expected. He reached out and ran a hand over the pillow where Seonghwa’s head had rested a few hours previous. It was cold but there was something there. He turned and looked, it was a flower, a pink carnation. Yeosang sat up and picked up the flower, twirling it between his fingers. He couldn’t remember what a pink carnation symbolized but he knew somehow that Seonghwa would. He picked up his phone and looked up the meaning, “I will never forget you.”

He read the words aloud and the dam broke. He cried harder than he had ever cried before in his life.

It was hours before he was able to pull himself together enough to go home. Seonghwa wasn’t around. When he asked, he was told that he was at the office, working with Hongjoong.

The strangest thing was how unnervingly normal everything was. There didn’t seem to be any awkwardness on Seonghwa’s part which made it easier to acclimatize to the new status quo and harder to believe that the previous year wasn’t some sort of fever dream. There were still times where he thought he caught a hint of sadness in Seonghwa’s eyes but it never lasted and it was usually so brief that he doubted himself. Whether he had loved him or not, what they shared was special and he knew that his one time lover cherished those memories as he did.

Time slipped by, pouring like sand through a sieve. Their careers grew as did their popularity. They all agreed fairly early on that when it came time for Seonghwa and Hongjoong to do their service, they would all go. It was hard to imagine the group with any single member missing but he was sure that if they tried to carry on without ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ there would have only been a smoldering ruin where the house had once stood.

As that time raced toward them, they each worked on different projects, testing the waters for solo careers, acting, modeling, or all of the above in some cases. Still unsure whether or not they would try to carry on with the group after service, they all went.

Despite the years that had intervened, he never stopped thinking of Seonghwa and not for a single moment did he stop missing him. Did he regret what he had done? Every minute of every single day that had passed. But what was done was done and he was still convinced it needed to happen. Now he was confident, sure, though still a little on the shy side and still very much an introvert. He appreciated himself and didn’t even try to cover his birthmark unless it was for the camera. He could look in the mirror and love what he saw.

It had been so long though. How could he go to Seonghwa now? What if he had someone else? He hadn’t heard of him getting married or living with anyone. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, he didn’t think he could take it. He knew Wooyoung would have told him because he still saw him regularly. He didn’t even have his number, should he ask for it? He remembered something from a drama… someone talking about timing. Maybe their time was over and he really should try to move on but how could he? He closed his eyes and remembered the ghost of Seonghwa.

***

Hongjoong looked surprised when he opened the door, “You’re early. Is something wrong?”

Yeosang looked down at the phone in his hand, he was early but he had been planning for traffic and there wasn’t any. “No, nothing’s wrong. There was just no traffic. I thought it would be bumper to bumper this time of day.”

“Oh, well come on in. I haven’t had a chance to take a shower yet.” It looked like he had been working out or maybe practicing. “Make yourself at home, there’s stuff to drink in the fridge, help yourself.”

Yeosang looked around and right beside the door there was a giant stack of boxes. “What’s all this?”

“Oh, that’s Park Seonghwa’s. He stored it here while he was waiting for them to finish his new place. Have you seen it yet? It’s really nice, very him.” Hongjoong wiped his face with a towel and shagged it over his hair. “I’m gonna hit the shower. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Yeosang nodded and looked curiously at the boxes. Seonghwa… Each box was painstakingly labeled in his precise and fluid hand. He would know his handwriting anywhere. He took a look toward the bathroom and heard the shower start. He knew he probably shouldn’t snoop but … He leaned to peek into the top box. It was folded together rather than sealed and he could just see in. For a moment he thought he saw something that looked like his name. He lifted up the edge of the cardboard and looked, it was his name.

There was an envelope that said, “Kang Yeosang”. Why was there a letter to him? Should he open it? It had his name on it after all… His curiosity won out in the end. He pulled it out and opened it.

“They changed your hair today and I couldn’t help but notice the way that a single curl kissed your brow. I imagined kissing that very spot as I brushed it away. My fingers actually itched with the need to do it. But I didn’t dare. It’s still as hard as it was that first day. I still wonder if I should have told you I loved you. I loved you then and I love you now. I know it’s nothing but a dream but I still have a little fantasy I keep in my heart that one day you’ll walk into my room and tell me that your heart has chosen me. Maybe I just watch too many dramas but I don’t think I am the type of man who loves more than once. I don’t know how to let you go. I don’t even want to. I miss you, Kang Yeosang. I love you. ”

A teardrop fell onto the paper, causing the ink to bleed. Yeosang read it over and over again. He clutched it to his chest and turned back to the box. Without caring if he should be snooping or not, he ripped the top of the box open and looked. The entire box was filled with letters, all with his name on them. Some of the envelopes looked like they might burst, they were so stuffed. Others were slim and obviously no more than a page. He pulled out envelope after envelope and glanced at the contents, they each closed with some variant of I miss you and I love you .

How had he written so many? He checked the dates and it looked like there might have been at least one letter a week written, maybe more. That was when he noticed the date on the letter he was holding was about three weeks previous. His knees gave out dumping him unceremoniously to the ground. He could barely breathe, the thundering of his heart in his ears was all he could hear. He needed to see him. He needed to see him now. He jumped up and ran towards the bathroom and yanked open the door. Hongjoong yelped and jumped nearly a foot as he hurriedly reached to cover himself with a towel. “Where’s Park Seonghwa?”

“Well he’s not here!” Hongjoong answered in a pithy tone.

“I know that but where is he?” He wasn’t in the mood to play games. He had to see him.

“Uh … I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him for a few days. He’s probably working I’d guess. If you go into my office, there’s a leather notebook in my desk, top left drawer. Everyone’s information is in there, if you can’t get his cell phone then try his agency.” He wasn’t sure what was going on but it sounded like an emergency.

“Thank you.” Yeosang closed the bathroom door then reopened it, “Oh, I can’t go to dinner. I’ll see you later.” The door slammed again.

Hongjoong stared at the door. He heard what sounded like Yeosang going to the office, rummaging around and then running across the apartment and out of the front door. “I have no idea what just happened.” He commented to himself.

On the way out, Yeosang grabbed the box of letters that were addressed to him. They were his, whether Seonghwa meant to give them to him or not, they were his and he cherished every word that he read and those he hadn’t yet had the chance to read. He called Seonghwa’s home number and cell number to no avail. Of course, Seonghwa didn’t have Yeosang’s new number and it would come across as an unknown number - which he probably wouldn’t answer. Shit.

As a last resort, he called his agency and after a lot of back and forth and convincing the rather terse woman on the other end of the phone that it was a dire family emergency, he found that he was on site doing a photoshoot. He got the address and drove out to meet him.

***

It had been a long day and it was freezing. Honestly, he didn’t mind shooting outside when he didn’t need to keep hand warmers in his pockets to keep the frostbite away. They were taking a break because it started snowing, the first of the year and it was very nearly a blizzard. If it kept up, they would probably cancel and postpone the shoot until the weather cleared. Seonghwa sat in his trailer in front of the mirror, touching up his makeup. He looked at his phone and noticed there were a lot of calls from an unknown number. Normally, he didn’t answer unknown numbers but whoever was calling him either had the wrong number and it might be an emergency or they had the right number and it was an emergency. They hadn’t left any messages. He frowned down at the screen, it wasn’t even like he could call the number back as it was restricted.

There was a quick light knock on the door and it opened, “Did it stop snow-...” The words froze on his tongue as he saw Kang Yeosang standing in the door, his hair dotted with glistening specks of rapidly melting snow. “Yeosang?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked as he walked in, closing and locking the door behind him.

Seonghwa stood up and looked at him in confusion, “Tell you?”

Yeosang pulled a familiar looking envelope out of his pocket and held it up, “Why didn’t you tell me you were in love with me?” Although in hindsight, it was so obvious in everything he did, in the way he treated him.

“I-” This was not what he was expecting. He had written the first letter to try and soothe the ache, to tell him everything he felt, everything he wanted to say but without the weight of Yeosang’s knowledge. He kept writing because he found it cathartic and maybe a tiny part of him imagined him reading them one day. He never imagined it happening like this. He took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders, “I’m in love with you Kang Yeosang. I have been since long before the day we said goodbye.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I thought … I thought you didn’t love me. I thought most of what I thought we had was all me, projecting what I wanted you to feel onto my memories. I have loved you every hour, every minute of every day and wanted to run to you but … What am I saying?” He crossed the trailer to stand in front of Seonghwa. He reached out and took the other man’s hand raising it to the back of his head and fisting his hand in his hair. “You’re the one, the only one. What was it you said you dreamed of me saying? My heart’s chosen you Park Seonghwa and it doesn’t know how to choose anyone else.”

Seonghwa let out a shuddering breath and looked away, blinking rapidly. When he looked back, Yeosang was smiling at him. “What are you waiting for? Do you need me to tell you how much I want you to fuck my face? Do you need me to tell you how much I want you to force your cock into my throat? Do you not know how much I want you to make love to me while I cry for what only you can give me? I said it before and I didn’t understand but I understand now, I want everything from you.”

The hand in Yeosang’s hair tightened and he hissed between clenched teeth at the pulling of his hair as he was yanked forward into a brutal soul searing kiss. There was no slow building of passions, the spark instantly ignited between them and they were enveloped in the resulting conflagration. It had been so long, craving the other’s touch, hungering for their kiss. Now, almost frantic, Yeosang reached for the hem of Seonghwa’s shirt, pushing it up and then returning to his waist to unfasten his belt.

Seonghwa nibbled at Yeosang’s lips as he reached for Yeosang’s hands. He laced their fingers together and brought the other man’s hands to rest against his chest. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought of this moment? All of the things I wanted to do to you, all of the things I wanted to do with you? Did you think about me when you jerked off? Did you wish it was my fingers wrapped around you?”

As he asked his question, his hand slid down over Yeosang’s bare chest, over his stomach to trail along the outline of his still hidden cock. “I used to imagine you stroking your cock, thinking about me while I was thinking about you. I still remember that first time watching you. I forgot all about the eyes on us and it was only you and me, it was so beautiful all I could think about was everything I wanted to do to you but I didn’t think you’d want me there again but you did. Show me … Like you did it the first time, cum for me.”

Yeosang groaned and rocked his hips forward, wanting Seonghwa’s touch. Everything he said, every word he spoke stoked the fire that was already raging inside of him. Their affair had been relatively brief but everytime he made himself cum, Seonghwa was there with him, the feeling of his body behind him, the weight of his eyes on him, the heat of his breath on his neck. He peeled off the rest of his clothes and took a seat on the couch in the small room, spreading his legs, displaying himself for the gaze that burned into him. Seonghwa leaned back against the vanity and watched, his hand massaging his cock through the strained denim of his jeans. His breathing grew a little more shallow as he bit his bottom lip. The sound of his zipper was loud as he dipped his hand into his jeans. Their motions mirrored each other as they watched each other, just a few paces away.

With Seonghwa’s name on his lips, his hand pumped faster. “Oh god, Seonghwa. Do you want me to cum?”

There was no way either of them would last, “Cum for me baby…”

Yeosang’s eyes locked with Seonghwa’s as he came, wave after seemingly endless wave of pleasure tore through him. Still panting as Seonghwa closed the distance between them and pressed the leaking head of his cock between Yeosang’s lips. Ravenously, he opened his mouth, eagerly wrapping his lips around him. His head bobbed up and down, the glistening length sliding between his lips. “I love the way you suck my cock baby.”

Yeosang leaned his head back, pushing up to choke himself on his lover’s cock. God it had been so long, immediately he gagged, the muscles of his throat involuntarily squeezing. Seonghwa half bent over his head as his balls settled against Yeosang’s delicious lips. Unable to stop himself, he grabbed a handful of Yeosang’s silken blonde locks and fucked hard and deep. He growled as he fucked, the little bit of control he had fell by the wayside and he came, spurting hot seed into Yeosang’s throat, across his tongue as he pulled back into his mouth. A single line of cum smeared across his lover’s lips and across one cheek.

“So pretty …” Seonghwa immediately leaned down and lapped at his cum, his tongue slipping between his lover’s lips, supping on his tongue, biting his lips.

Yeosang licked his lips and whispered, “I want more.”

Seonghwa smiled, “Do you? What do you want? I want to hear you say it.” He brushed his thumb across those sticky lips.

“I want you to hurt me. I want you to make me scream but …” He cast an eye toward the door. “Do you think anyone would hear us?”

Seonghwa winced, he had forgotten that they weren’t entirely alone. It was probably just as well that Yeosang hadn’t because he didn’t have any toys, devices, or most importantly, lube with him. “I got carried away but I’d like to be carried further.” He looked as if something suddenly occurred to him. “Come home with me. I won’t let you go again.”

“I won’t let you, let me go again.” Yeosang leaned in and dragged his lips over the glistening skin over Seonghwa’s pulse on the side of his neck. When he flicked his tongue, he could feel the thrumming life of the man he loved. He closed his eyes and inhaled the clean scent of his sweat, tasting the salt of his skin. Seonghwa’s hands played in his hair and over his bare skin. “I am home. Wherever you are is home and it’s where I want to be.”

Yeosang cocked his head to one side and looked up, “Take me home.”

A slow smile crept over Seonghwa’s lips. He couldn’t have imagined hearing sweeter words. He nodded and leaned back on the couch, pulling his lover into his arms, he opened the blinds, just enough for them to see out. “It’s the first snow.”

You were always supposed to watch the first snow with someone you loved. This was the first time in more than a decade of knowing one another, they had been able to watch the first snow together. They watched in silence, reveling in the heat of the other’s body, the quiet sound of their breathing the only accompaniment to the gentle hush of the falling snow. It really didn’t look like it was going to be letting up any time soon and if anything, it was just falling harder and faster. There was a knock on the door and Seonghwa bolted upright, almost knocking Yeosang to the floor as he grabbed a robe. “Just a minute!”

He leaned over and looked in the mirror, his makeup was a lost cause. He quickly grabbed a makeup wipe and scrubbed as much of it off as possible. Yeosang snickered behind him as there was another knock. Seonghwa threw the used makeup wipe at Yeosang who dodged it neatly and fell back down onto the couch, content in his nakedness. Seonghwa shot him an annoyed look before opening the door. Luckily, it opened so as to block the couch from view.

“Oh did someone already tell you that we’re postponing the shoot?”

“When I saw the snow falling harder, I guessed. So I thought I’d go ahead and change.” Seonghwa lied smoothly.

“I guess you’re anxious to get back. I hope it’s nothing too serious.”

“Serious?” Seonghwa questioned.

“The family emergency. I heard that you had one of your cousins looking for you because of a family emergency.”

With absolutely no idea what the assistant was talking about, he kept it as vague as possible. He could only assume it was something to do with Yeosang, “My cousin has a strange sense of what’s an emergency. It was minor.”

“Oh, alright. I’m off this next week so I’ll see you for your audition on the 22nd. Good luck on your drive home, it’s really coming down, I’d hurry before the roads get worse.”

Seonghwa closed the door and leaned against it. “My cousin?”

“That’s not usually one of my kinks but I was desperate to see you and you weren’t answering my calls.” Yeosang sat up and began to pull on his clothes. From the way the snow was falling, if they didn’t leave soon, they probably wouldn’t be leaving at all and as cozy as the trailer was, it didn’t look like it had all the amenities of home.

“I didn’t know it was you. You could have left a message and I would have called you back.” Seonghwa dressed as well.

“I couldn’t wait. The moment I realized you loved me, that you always had it seemed like it was life and death. If I had been thinking more clearly, I could have asked Hyung Hongjoong to call you for me so that you’d answer the phone but I had to see you face to face and it had to be right then.” Yeosang pulled on his coat and paused to look in the mirror. He was in need of a shower, he was still quite sweaty but what he really wanted was to be alone with Seonghwa. Somewhere there was food, a bed, a shower, and where there would be no interruptions.

Five minutes later, Seonghwa was driving extremely carefully down the snow covered mountain roads. The further down they got, the better the roads became and the less snow that covered them.

“Yeosang.”

Yeosang had been lost in his own thoughts, it seemed like a miracle had taken place. Yesterday, he didn’t. Today, he did and tomorrow he still would. All of the pain they had put themselves through and now … now they could finally be together. He looked up at the soft mention of his name. “Yes?”

“If you meant what you said … if you want to, I want you to move in with me.” It wasn’t as if they hadn’t lived together before. He had a house, newly renovated that would more than comfortably work for the two of them.

Trying not to squeal in delight, he beamed a smile and reached to take Seonghwa’s hand. “You mean it? I want to. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.”

***

His body was stretched, bound, and tortured.

Sweat dripped from the strands of hair that hung down to obscure his face and soaked the blindfold that covered his eyes. He had been there for what seemed hours. A weighted plug stretched his ass. An intricate cock and ball harness kept him obscenely hard. He gasped as he was pulled back against his lover, his master, his life’s long lean body, rope biting into his flesh. His head fell back against Seonghwa’s shoulder. He screamed as the flat of Seonghwa’s elegant fingers slapped his rigid cock.

Teeth at his ear, biting his neck, his shoulder, that would leave a mark. It was a mark he no longer had to worry would be seen, a mark he no longer had to explain to anyone. He whimpered and leaned his head to the side to allow his lover better access. He loved it when Seonghwa marked him. Every scrape, bruise, and scar was evidence of their love.

“I love it when you scream for me.” His fingers tightened around Yeosang’s balls. Yeosang tried to pull away but with his lover’s body behind him there was nowhere to go. He made a choking sound gagging on the pain. A strangled cry was ripped from his already raw throat. Still Yeosang rocked his hips, grinding his already full ass back against Seonghwa’s cock. “You act like you want something, do you want something from me baby?”

“Fuck… me.”

“You want my cock?” Seonghwa asked in a throaty whisper.

Yeosang nodded, “I want … You… Inside.” It was getting harder to talk as he slipped further and further into that place where pure sensation lived. Pleasure and pain mingled into something else, darker, more primal, more real. He turned his head toward Seonghwa, his tongue flicking against his jaw, “Kiss…” He breathed.

Seonghwa kissed him, deep, wet, passionate. He shifted around on the bed, moving between Yeosang’s bound and spread thighs. He was beautiful with his muscles straining, sweat running down his pale golden skin, his cock was near to bursting with the need to cum and his baby was so hungry, so needing of him.

He untied the ropes that bound Yeosang’s ankles and thighs so that he could wrap his legs around him and pulled off his blindfold. He wanted to see his eyes now. His hand slipped down between his lover’s thighs, Yeosang whimpered and arched toward his touch. He slipped the toy from his body.

“Seonghwa…” There was a pleading note in his voice.

It drove him insane to see him reduced to his basest desires, lost to anything other than the need that currently consumed him. It was all for him. He lowered himself down, gently pushing Yeosang back with the weight of his body. His own need was a voracious beast that drove him forward into his lover’s open and waiting body. Yeosang’s head slammed back against the pillow and he half growled and half screamed. His legs tightened around Seonghwa’s hips and he fought against the ropes that still bound his arms. Seonghwa freed him and Yeosang wrapped his arms around his lover as well, wanting to feel every inch of their skin together. Seonghwa reached between them and unfastened the cock and ball harness and began to stroke.

Yeosang went wild with the intensity of the sensation. He bit and scratched, tears sliding down over his birthmark, Seonghwa lapped at his tears. He lowered his lips to Yeosang’s ear and whispered, “Cum for me.”

His hips slammed up, fucking himself on the cock embedded deeply inside him. An animalistic roar was torn from him painfully and violently. Seonghwa grabbed a handful of his hair and held his head still, their eyes locked as he hammered home into him, once, twice, and one final time. He pumped Yeosang full again and again, it felt like it would never end. He lowered his forehead to Yeosang’s and brushed a feather soft kiss over his lips. “I love you.”

Yeosang smiled, beatific and beautiful.

Seonghwa removed the rest of the ropes and tossed them aside before wrapping his arms around Yeosang. He knew that moving was out of the question for a little while and he was fine with that. It had taken them a little while to find out but there wasn’t just making love and fucking. Sometimes they wanted nothing more than gentle pleasure and comfort and other times, they spent hours reveling in their own special brand of love. Most times they straddled the line, elements of both present in their time together. As long as they loved one another and cared for what the other wanted and needed, it was all love making.

Yeosang sighed blissfully and snuggled closer murmuring, “Cold.”

Seonghwa chuckled, “You’re going to have to stay cold. If I let you get warm then I won’t get you out of bed to take a bath. Come on.”

Yeosang pouted adorably and tried to hide his face against Seonghwa’s neck.

With a little cajoling, he managed to get Yeosang into the bathtub where he washed his hair and massaged his tired and aching muscles. Afterward, he dried his body and his hair, then changed the sheets before tucking him in like a small child. By the time Seonghwa slipped into bed beside him, Yeosang was coherent again and was watching him with warm adoration. “It’s our anniversary tomorrow.”

“I know.” Seonghwa dragged his thumb down along Yeosang’s spine which caused him to shiver against him. Seonghwa chuckled and kissed his nose. “This will be our third.”

As far as Seonghwa was concerned, it was the biggest day of the year. The day that his lover gave himself over to him was the most precious to him.

“Did you get me something?” Yeosang looked up at him hopefully.

“You know I did.”

Yeosang continued to look at him hopefully.

“You’re hoping I’ll tell you what it is or give it to you early?” Seonghwa asked.

“Would I do that?” He tried to look innocent and failed utterly.

“Yes.” He squeezed him tight. He concentrated on the firm, tight length of his lover’s body in his arms. As long as he had been without him, he refused to let even the most minor of things pass him by without notice. “You forget, I know you well.”

“You know me better than anyone else and for that …” Yeosang turned away and opened the drawer in the bedside table. He pulled out a small flat box and handed it to him.

Seonghwa took the box with a look of genuine surprise. “You’re not going to wait until tomorrow then?”

Yeosang pointed to the clock which read 00:02, “It is tomorrow.”

“As much as you say you aren’t romantic, you’re very romantic.”

“I’m not romantic but the man I love is… which I guess that does make me a romantic as well.” He shook his head and pressed Seonghwa, “Open it.”

Seonghwa opened the box and there on a slim gold chain was a tiny flower with a red stone at its heart. He looked up at Yeosang curiously.

“It’s a camellia.” He hoped he was right, he had not only asked at three florist’s shops but checked online on about five different sites before he had the necklace made. Red camellias represented being in love and admiration. It was hard to think of anyone he admired more than Seonghwa and there was no one he loved more.

Seonghwa looked again at the tiny flower with the brilliant red heart. He touched his finger to the tiny blossom. He felt his eyes welling up and he waved his hand at his face as he tried to keep from crying. He quickly gave up and just leaned in to kiss Yeosang. “Thank you, I love you too. This is so beautiful. I’ll cherish it... it makes me wish I got you something more romantic.”

“You give me so much. You give me everything, everyday. I could never ask you for more. All I can do is love you. I’m helpless against it.” He was curious now though. “What did you get me?”

“I got you two things, one that I know you wanted and one that I wanted to give you.” Seonghwa got out of bed and put on his robe before heading out of the room. He came back with two envelopes and a small bag.

Yeosang sat up and took the proffered items. He started to open one of the envelopes, “Read it when I’m not here, I’d be embarrassed.”

“Don’t be silly.” Still, he set it aside and opened the second one. It took him several seconds before he realized what he was looking at. It was the deed to the house, “What’s this?”

“I know it’s probably more symbolic than anything but I’m giving you half of the house. Now you own half of my life and I own half of yours. It’s important to me that you know that without you, my life is only … half.”

Yeosang ran his fingers over the contract. Seonghwa had an uncanny way of making paper, the most mundane of objects, into the most romantic and meaningful things. First there were all of his beautiful letters and then this. Now he was the one who was fighting back tears. “Seonghwa… I am so lucky to have you in my life and to have your love.”

“I was afraid you might not like it…”

“How could I not love it, you gave it to me with your whole heart.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head forward against Seonghwa’s shoulder. He was content to stay there the whole night and the next day if need be. Then he remembered the bag and he sat up and opened it. He pulled out a small leather collar. He held it up to his neck and growled. It didn’t remotely fit him but he lifted his hand and made a scratching motion and gave a cute face.

“It’s not for you to wear but if you really want I can get you one that fits…”

All of the sudden it clicked and Yeosang’s head snapped up, “You got me a puppy?!”

“She’ll be here tomorrow or … today.” Yeosang launched himself at Seonghwa, knocking him over onto his back and kissing him soundly. Seonghwa laughed and rolled with him onto their sides facing each other.

They had come so far, through pain and laughter, sorrow and bliss. They had come so close to losing the best thing they could ever have, true love. There would still be trials and hardships but they knew they could overcome them … together.

Other stories can be found on my Master List.

#ateez #ateez smut #ateez smut and fluff #seongsang #seonghwa #yeosang #ateez imagines #ateez seonghwa #ateez yeosang #kpop imagines #kpop smut #park seonghwa #kang yeosang

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jasmine-the-fox · 5 years ago

Text

From a little prank to true love (part 3)

I think this will be the last part? I’m not so sure since there’s still so much to write... Maybe not but the fourth part should be the last one if this one isn’t. And again I read another story like this from @thyladyanput so this is just a little different.

Watching Jasmine training is amazing to Felix, all the flips and tricks she knew made him love her even more than he did before as he desired to know more about her... And this might just help with that little part, to his surprise she often smiled to him when she had the chance to do so making him faintly blush at her but still keep watching them training, on the other hand... Lila hated seeing Marinette there as she held a baby in her arms, she should be the one with a child! She should be in a relationship! SHE SHOULD BE THE ONE SOON GETTING MARRIED!!

Lila took a breath to calm herself, now wasn’t the time to get angry, right now she had work to do and that was to make sure Alya believed her and Jasmine was ruined no matter what happens, but to do that she had to get a moment with the girl she got expelled from there school, when training was over Jas walked over to Felix “What did you think? Most of the time it’s a little more then this but since we had guests we had to tone it down a bit” she explained making Felix nod in understanding “it’s amazing how well you fight like that” he said making her smile and giggle “Well of course! I need to be ready to fight if I want to protect others” she said and that confused Lila.

“That’s right! Even if you no longer protect Paris from Hawk Moth... I know you’ll find a new partner soon Jas” Kagami said as then what looked to be a dragon appeared on Kagami’s shoulder “Once i’m fully healed, I swear MultiMouse will help!” Mari said as then a little mouse creature landed on her head “Thanks you two! I couldn’t have asked for a better team” Jas said... As a ladybug kwami flew beside her head and it clicked to Adrien that Jasmine is actually Ladybug, this made so much sense behind her actions... But not why she took his ring and vanished like she did two years ago “Anyways, let’s go eat” she said making them all nod and move to do so.

Adrien watched as Jasmine ate next to Felix, he wished it was him beside her instead... Alya hated the fact that Jasmine hid something from her like that!? She was Rena Rouge for crying out loud! What kind of person does that!? She was about to speak “How are the wedding plans?” Felix asked making Raph look away as Kagami giggled “Were almost finished, soon will be getting married” she said as she then took Raphael’s hand making Mari smile “You guys are going to be so happy I just know it!” Mari said making Jas nod as Raph faintly blushed... And then smirked towards his sister “What about ya? When are ya gonna get married?” he said making her blush before shouting “When someone I love asks me to marry them!” making Adrien blush.

Even so they ate while the siblings teased one another a little longer, at one point Jasmine finished and decided to take a shower “I have things to do later and I would prefer not to be sweaty while going out” she explained making her siblings nod as she went to the bathroom with a change of clothes to put on “What is she doing?” Adrien asked making Raphael snort “Takin’ a shower idiot” he said making Adrien look down “Do you know these things she has to do?” Felix then asked as Alya glared at him making Leonardo nod “She works actually, before she came to Paris she worked part-time as a model” he explained making there eyes widen “Jas came to Paris because of my design work, she wanted to model for me so to help her more with work and for me to be more known so she worked for free” Mari explained making Adrien look at her in shock.

“When Mari came to New York, Jas called her agency who decided to work with Mari. They made it so they paid her to let them do photoshoots of her clothes” Leo explained making Felix smile at how kind Jasmine really was “Since then Jasmine was set as Marinette’s model for MDC designs... No one can hire her only Mari can” Mikey explained making Adrien imagine how bad that would be for her to just work for Mari “Thanks to there teamwork... MDC designs has become pretty popular here in New York, everyone wants something from Marinette” Donnie explained as just then Jasmine walked out wearing a peach dress with white jasmine’s scattered at the bottom of dress “I’ll be going now!” she said as Adrien then stood “I’ll go with you” he said and rushed after her... Felix didn’t like that but he still did nothing and simply texted her that he could walk her back to the lair after work.

She accepted the offer, saying it might be awhile before the shoot was done but she promised to let him know when he come get her, he smiled to this and then focused on her family to try and get to know them better... Lila didn’t like this and decided she needed to use the bathroom and asked Alya to come with her because she needed to talk to her... Leaving Nino all alone with them, the boy looked a little nervous as the family glared at him... Felix could tell that they talked about Bustier’s class often “So... You’re really popular huh Mari?” he asked as she then growled “Only my friends can call me that! And your not one of them Lahiffe!” she said making him look down in shame.

In the bathroom... Lila was furious! Why did Marinette, Kagami and Jasmine have to have this amazing life while she still needs to manipulate her stupid class!? There had to be something she could do? But right now... She had to work on Adrien “Has he texted yet?” she asked while playing her innocent act as Alya sighs “Not yet, she’s busy with her shoot so he needs to wait until she goes to change outfits to tell her since she takes her break while she changes” Alya explained making Lila nod in understanding as inside she grinned... There was no way Jasmine would return the feelings when he tells her... And he’ll be a perfect target for an akuma “I just hope things go well for him... I mean we haven’t seen Jasmine since she left all of a sudden” she lied making Alya nod in understanding.

Felix was talking to Jasmine’s brother’s a bit more until he remembered something “How did Jasmine meet you Kagami?” he asked making her look at him in slight surprise of his question and then she smiled “I guess I can tell you that much... To tell you the truth I met her through Raphael” she explained making him look at her confused as Lila and Alya came back “I came here for a fencing match... It was a really big one too, if I won it would mean i’m the best” she began making him nod in understanding “But then I saw something, one of the other competitors was cheating so I notified it to the judges who got security to watch him and then look in his things... He knew I reported him since I was the only one who went to the judge table” she then said making Felix wonder what that meant.

“Once it was discovered that he was trying to secretly drug the other competitors and blinding his opponents... He was disqualified and later on I won” she said making Felix nod in understanding as she looked down “My mother went to the hotel early, she allowed me to stay out late due to my victory so I was walking around New York when he captured me... And took me to the docks to hurt me” she said as Felix felt cold all of a sudden at her words “He decided that if he was taken out of any fencing competition... Then I don’t need to be able to compete either... So he decided to destroy my hands so I couldn’t fence anymore... And then the Hamato clan came and saved me” she said as she turned to Raph who smiled to her in a warm way “He was the one who got me out of there and to my hotel room... I wanted to see him again and thank them properly so the next night they came over for some drinks and snacks that I got for them” she explained as Raph looked at Felix.

“I wanted ta know her betta, but how when i’m a freak! So one night I went ta fight some scum... An the police saw me, I panicked when they wanted ta capture me... An then Kagami came in to protect me” he said making Felix wonder if he was right “You being seen was all over the news” he said making Raph nod as Leo took over “We knew Raph would mess up one day, going out and accidentally be seen. So we weren’t mad at him for that and we simply went out to explain everything about us... Even the president of the United States came to meet us” he explained making Felix look at him in shock but nodded for them to continue “Thanks to Kagami, the president allowed us to live here freely, sure it’s weird for others but with time they got used to us” Donnie explained making him nod.

“Even so Jasmine found out because I told her, she was chatting with me and I ended up telling her everything... She asked about Kagami and I told her she was to come over later today, so Jas used the security cameras around the lair to see and hear her... She’s really good at hacking to tell you the truth... Hacked one of my games once” Mikey explained making Felix wonder what else she could hack, they were about to continue the story until Felix got a text from Jasmine that she was done “She’s done with the shoot” he said and with that walked out of the lair without saying another word, he got out of the sewers and followed the address she gave him while wondering what she meant by “Adrien left angry” did something happen?

When he arrived, she was walking outside towards him “How did it go?” he asked making her smile to him “It went well” she replied as they got going “So what happened with Adrien?” he asked making her look at him and sigh “As I went to change for my last outfit, Adrien stopped me to tell me something... He said he liked me, he was in love with me and wanted me to be his girlfriend” she explained making his eyes widen “Of course I rejected him... I didn’t feel the same way towards him so why should I date him? Anyways he didn’t like my answer and asked for an answer since we are soulmates... And I told him the truth that I liked someone else and I never saw myself dating him after he put me in the friends category” she said making him nod “So he got angry and left without saying anything” she finished making Felix wonder what his cousin might do.

“You didn’t tell him you love me... Did you” he said making her nod “He might have just tried to push me into dating him instead of going out with you” she replied making Felix sigh as they got to the lair... Only to find Nino, Alya and Lila gone “They left all of a sudden, Lahiffe got a text and they just ran out” Leo explained making them nod as they joined them on the couch, they kept talking a bit before Felix needed to head back “Will be going to the more history related places tomorrow” Jasmine said making Felix nod to the plan, he didn’t mind where he went if Jas was there with him “Should be fun” he said making her smile as they left the sewers and then to her car “This was a wonderful day” he said making her giggle “I’m glad... I was actually a little worried with those four coming with you... I really didn’t want to see my old class after Lila got me so wrongly expelled” Jas said making Felix wonder for a moment.

“How did she get you expelled anyway?” Felix asked as they walked into the hotel lobby... Without knowing Adrien and the other guys of the class were with him “You see, Lila claimed she had certain problems that need medication to help... But she always lied, when I was studying there I once was permitted to look into everyone’s medical files because we were having a party and I wanted to make there wouldn’t be any allergy problems” she began to explain as Felix raised a brow “When I got to Lila’s file... I was shocked when it said she had zero medical problems, I even called her doctor back in Italy who confirmed the only thing he found out was her massive lying problem... Her father is in jail because she lied that he was abusing her, he believes she lied to her mother about the lying too so it was written in” she explained as the boys looked at her in shock.

“One day I was called to the principal’s office, it turns out Lila accused me of switching one of her medicine bottles with something else... She even pulled out some bottle that held candies that the principal believed was the real medicine she takes... She claimed she found them in my bag that was always on me for that specific reason... I was expelled then and there. I’m certain the class knows about it... And Lila made it sound worse too” Jas was holding her hands close as Felix placed his hands on her shoulders “It’s over now, your far away from that toxic school and class, they can’t reach you here... Nothing Lila lies about can touch you here since the people here will believe you instead of her” he explained making her look at him “And besides... You have me on your side right my love?” he said making her smile as she nodded and then walked out “See you tomorrow!” she said and left the hotel with a smile.

“This whole time... She was lying!? Lila lied to us about who knows what for who knows how long!?” Kim claimed, they were in Adrien and Nino’s hotel room talking about what they just found out “I’ve been trying to make you guys see she was lying about things... But you never listened” Adrien claimed with a sigh, he was wrong, after Jasmine suddenly left... He began to realize how crazy some of the things Lila claimed were, so he did his best to make them see the truth... But failed “I’m really sorry dude, I thought you were simply joking” Nino claimed as he sat down “But, by the way... Did you tell Jasmine how you felt about her?” he asked as Adrien looked down “Yeah... She rejected me completely” he said making them look at him in shock “Your joking right!? Jasmine had a huge crush on you!” Max said in shock as Markov flew by “If my calculations are correct, there is a 00.02% chance that she would reject you” he said making them turn to Adrien “She must have simply pulled your leg dude! Maybe she didn’t like the idea of saying yes at her job!” Nino claimed as Adrien thought for a moment.

Nino wasn’t wrong, Alya always claimed Jasmine was the romantic type of person “I guess I should have asked her somewhere else” he mumbled as Nino nodded “Will help you! Tomorrow you’re going to tell her how you feel and the two of you will be dating!” he claimed as Adrien smiled... He really hoped everything would be alright now, the next day, Felix woke up to someone knocking on his door, he thought it was strange but he still went to open the door “I smell my cheese!” Plagg claimed as Felix opened the door... And there stood Jasmine with her kwami “Oh hush you! Tikki has it!” she hissed making the cat kwami grab the bag and fly to a table “I brought you breakfast!” she said with a giggle making him smile “I really do love you” he whispered making her smile to him as she walked into his room.

The whole class was waiting in the lobby while eating breakfast. The teachers with them for the trip were talking right now about what to do for the day... And Adrien was shocked as Jasmine came to the lobby, with her kwami Tikki, Felix... And Plagg, sadly he couldn’t react to his cousin having his miraculous with the class around so he acted like he was surprised “So where to first?” Felix asked as Plagg laughed “Isn’t it obvious!? The first place to ever go to is the Empire state building!” he claimed making Felix sigh as Jas giggled “He’s not wrong though, Jasmine planned your whole trip once it was confirmed she would show you around... That building was the first place she wanted you to see” Tikki explained as Jas blushed.

They walked out and into her car just as the teachers arrived “I want to see the Empire state building!” Adrien claimed as all the boys agreed... Including Alya and Sabrina... So that’s where they went, Adrien watched Jas the whole time she was with his cousin... He even messaged his father about him dating her... For now he had to wait for his father to reply but he hoped his father would agree with everything he wrote about her, when they got to the floor they could go to (you must pay extra to be at the top) Adrien watched as Jasmine spoke to Felix... Making him wish it would have been him there instead, after a while they left and went to the mall nearby... Adrien saw a gorgeous ring to gift Jasmine to promise her he would be with her... He bought it and to his luck the store knew her size.

Lila watched as Jas giggled with Felix... She really hated that girl right now “How’s Mari doing?” Felix asked making her smile “She’s healing well, MultiMouse should be back in action by next week” Jas claimed making Felix smile and nod “Anyways, I think this is cute. I’m going to buy it” she said and then walked away to pay... While Felix looked over a few other things, Lila watched as Jasmine then noticed something, grabbed it and then continued to the cash register to pay for the two items she selected... She felt like something strange was going on, all the boys were glaring at her for some reason, even Mylène, Rose and Juleka were now glaring at her... What happened to make them glare at her like that “Lila? Are you going to buy that scarf?” she turned to face Jasmine in shock.

“It doesn’t really suit you... But if you like it then I can’t say anything against it” she said and was about to walk away when Lila grabbed her “Why are you being so nice to me!? I lied about you and even got the school to expel you!” she hissed in anger as Jasmine simply looked at her and then smiled “And I can’t thank you enough for that” she said which made Lila look at her in shock “W-what?” she asked very much confused “I guess I can tell you, I was actually already planning to leave the school. When I came to Paris my job was to note what the school does for the students to see if principal Damocles could join the school table... When I saw what he does with funds they get and other things... It was enough info so I decided to leave” she explained, Lila still didn’t get it though “The principal knew what I was doing, he threatened me to give a positive report... Or he’ll get me a criminal record so I ended up being forced to stay” she said.

Lila’s eyes widen “So when I took over as class president, got you kicked out of school trips and events you didn’t really care” she claimed making Jas nod “Pretty much, the principal actually gave me the title of class president to give a positive report, but when you took it... It was like a threat and he had to find a way to make me give something positive... But he was running out of ideas really fast including with me having a bad report on him... And then you gave him his golden ticket” Jas explained as it clicked in Lila “I got you expelled” she whispered and the girl nodded “He thought that by me getting expelled, the table wouldn’t believe my words... But in fact I always called them to update my report. So when he expelled me... It was the tables ticket to reject him” she further explained making Lila nod in understand “And so i’m thanking you for helping me out of there” she said as she walked away “The peach one with white lilies is better” she said and then went back to Felix.

Adrien watched as Jasmine walked out with Felix, he wondered where they were going... It was then that his phone buzzed, looking he found the reply he hoped from his father... He approved of Jas and was allowing Adrien to date her and even marry her in the future, but now he had to tell her again his feelings. The gang decided to do it in Central Park, there he could get her away from Felix to tell her “Lila’s talking to her” Kim whispered making Adrien look to find to his shock Jasmine talking to Lila “She’s been lying to us this whole time and she’s now being nice to her?” he growled as Adrien glared at them as he walked over to Jasmine and Felix only for their teacher stop him “Will be leaving in a bit so please wait” she said making Adrien watch as the two walked off.

“Let’s go eat something and then will go to Central Park” she said making Felix smile and nod “Oh yeah! I saw something and decided to buy it for you... I hope you like watches” she said as she pulled a silver watch “It’s beautiful... Thank you” Felix said as he slipped it on and then took hold of her hand, they got to a nice little shop to order and eat in... Without seeing the class driving by to get to a place to eat near Central Park, once they were done, they went back to Jasmine’s car to get to the park “I go there for a walk when I stress over too much” she explained making Felix nod in understanding as she then parked the car and they went into the park to walk around for a little bit making Felix smile as they walked.

Adrien on the other hand... He was pissed, just one moment, he just needed one moment with her for them to be together! It would be perfect, them dating will be amazing “Will get Felix away from her... So go get her!” Nino cheered as he and Kim got going to pull Felix away from Jasmine, once his cousin was far from her... He moved “Hey Jas!” he said with a smile... While she glared at him “Only my friends can call me that... And your not one” she snapped making him pull back but keep up the smile “Sorry about that, hey... I actually wanted to tell you something” he then said making her raise her brow “What?” she asked making him smile “I really like you Jasmine Hamato! I know that me asking you to date at your work wasn’t romantic, but the park is! So please... Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked with a smile as Alya filmed this... And Jas sighed “Adrien... My answer isn’t going to change just because were in another location... I don’t feel the same way for you, two years ago when you called me a friend... My feelings died for you and I moved on” she said making him look at her in shock “And now i’m happy while dating Felix... So please find someone too” she then walked away as her old class gasped at her as she then went to join Felix.

#felix graham de vanily #miraculous ladybug #teenage mutant ninja turtles #crossover #lila salt #adrien salt #lila gets exposed

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mychemicalrachel · 5 years ago

Text

Finally, Finally

Buck x Eddie.

My take on Abby coming back.

Part /3.

Part One. / Part Two.

Word count; 2040

Also on Ao3

Part Three: Eddie

“In case something happens…”

Those were the exact words Captain Nash had used nearly a year and a half ago when Eddie first joined the 118.

Exchanging keys was a small, simple way to say “I got your back” in case something happened on a call. It was no secret that they had a dangerous job and there was no use tiptoeing around the fact.

In case something happened.

In case you don’t make it out alive.

In case someone has to clean out your place and notify your next of kin.

It was morbid, in a way, but it was also a comfort.

On the ring that Eddie uses, there’s a little orange keychain that reads “Best Dad Ever” and a key to his truck, his house, his abuela’s house, and one dedicated to every one of the members of the 118.

They each had one for his house, too.

If pressed, Eddie would admit that he wasn’t sure what key fit what door. He thinks Hen’s might have been the silver key with the ridged top, and Chimney’s was probably the one that was marked with a messy H in Sharpie.

The only key he knew with absolute certainty was the gold key that showed more wear with each passing day. That one was Buck’s. It hung right between his own house key and the keychain Christopher had picked out for him two Christmases ago.

Then again, Buck gets enough use out of his copy of Eddie’s key to make it a fair trade.

When Abby had manifested like a mirage outside of Bucks’ door, Eddie had recognized her immediately. Not necessarily from look, as he’d only seen a photo of her one or two times, but from some weird sixth sense. Maybe it was her fading red hair or the way she held herself-- he had heard stories of her, fairy tale-like musings, from Buck and Carla alike.

Until he stood face to face with her-- her just outside Buck’s apartment, Eddie inside-- he had sort of thought of her as a figment of imagination. Not that she wasn’t real, exactly, but more like the real her was lost somewhere amidst the memories. She had become a story, not a person.

And then she smiled quietly. “I’m looking for Buck.”

Eddie could see in the softness of her eyes and imagined the way Buck must have felt once upon a time; loving her, losing her.

Eddie hated her profusely.

He led her into the kitchen and left them alone to talk-- or not talk-- as they saw fit. It was none of his business, after all.

“Dad,” Christopher’s voice pulls him out of his own head. They’re eating leftover lasagna, just the two of them, in the living room. The couch is colder than it usually feels and he chalks it up to the coming winter. LA is warm, but it’s a change from Texas he’s still adapting to. Chris prods at his plate, mostly untouched. “Why did Buck want us to leave?”

“Oh, Bud, no.” Eddie feels guilty suddenly. “Buck didn’t want us to leave. The woman that showed up, she was a friend of his that he hadn’t seen in awhile. I just thought they needed some time alone.”

“Why?”

Eddie isn’t sure he can explain it to himself, let alone his son. “Well, they haven’t seen each other in a long time. They need to catch up.”

“But why did we have to leave?”

Eddie frowns.

Buck didn’t tell them to leave. He actively wanted them to stay.

It was Eddie that freaked out and fled.

Because the idea of listening to Buck catch up with his ex-girlfriend sounded like hell on earth.

Because he didn’t want to see Buck inevitably fall back in love with her.

Because of things he wasn’t quite ready to face in himself.

Eddie decides to sidestep the question. “We’ll see him tomorrow, I promise”

Christopher takes the non-answer as it is, and says, “Okay.”

Eddie forces himself to take another bite of food, though it tastes stale on his tongue and settles dry in his stomach.

Minutes tick by as both Christopher and Eddie stop pretending to eat and fall back on the couch together. They watch Big Hero 6 and laugh obligingly, but it feels forced.

It feels wrong.

This is how it’s been done for years, Eddie reminds himself. Just him and Christopher. This is normal. Still, the coldness of the couch seeps into his bones.

He hears the door close a second before he hears Buck’s voice. “Diazes!” he calls. “Where are you?”

“Buck!”

Chris struggles to sit up and manages to launch himself off the couch, making a beeline for the sound of the newcomers voice. Eddie follows suit and meets Buck in the dining room, where he’s setting down a pizza box and scooping Christopher up into his arms.

“I hope I’m not too late,” Buck says, peering into the living room where two plates of cold lasagna sit, barely touched. “I promised you pizza, and I never break my promises.” He looks over at Eddie, a bit of uncertainty coloring his words. “I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s okay,” Christopher confirms, lifting the lid on the pizza box. He grabs a slice and disappears back in front of the TV.

“I would have called,” Buck says, leaning closer and lowering his voice, “But I was coming over whether you said yes or not.”

Eddie snorts. He retrieves a piece for himself, but leans against the table instead of joining his son. “You didn’t have to come over.”

“I wanted to.”

“I’m just saying,” Eddie stresses, trying to figure out for himself what exactly he is saying. “That I would have understood. You and Abby needed to catch up. I get it.”

“And we did,” Buck says, a shrug pulling at his shoulders while a smile tugs at his lips. “It was very cathartic.”

“Yeah?”

Eddie doesn’t want details. He does not want any details. He understands, as Buck’s best friend, that he should lend an ear. He should offer his congratulations. He chews quietly on his pizza and steels himself.

“She’s getting married.”

Oh.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Buck.”

Buck laughs and his entire face lights up. It’s a smile that’s always been contagious. “Why? I’m really happy for her.”

“You are?”

Buck nods. He leans against the table next to Eddie, their hands brushing together between them. Eddie does his best to ignore it.

“When she first said it, I was waiting for… I don’t know,” Buck shrugs with his entire torso, a gesture that jostles their shoulders together. Eddie curses silently. “I guess I was waiting on the pain. I expected it to hurt. But it didn’t. If she had told me that a year and a half ago, I would have been heartbroken.”

Buck sighs and intentionally presses his arm against Eddie’s, more than just an accidental brush of limbs. It remains there, skin to skin.

It’s almost as if he knows the sensation that the simple touch sends through Eddie, but he couldn’t possibly know. He couldn’t know the shiver that rolls up his spine, the goosebumps that arise on his forearm, the way his heart beats just a little bit faster.

Not unless Buck feels it, too.

He doesn’t move away.

“When Abby left,” Buck says, his voice quiet, meant for just the two of them to hear. Chris remains oblivious in the other room, mere yards away. Doesn’t he hear the static rushing in Eddie’s ears? Can he not hear the beating of Eddie’s heart pounding against his ribs?

“When I really accepted that she wasn’t planning on coming back,” Buck’s hands outstretch in front of him, grappling for something physical to hold onto. Some infinite emotion or thought that he’s trying his best to convey with spread fingers. Eddie wants to feel it, whatever it is that Buck is reaching for. “It was like there was this hole she left. An Abby-shaped hole that no one night stands or casual sex could fill. I loved her.”

It takes a long time for Eddie to find his voice. He watches the side of Buck’s face, outlining the curve of his nose and the shadow of his lips. He isn’t even sure he wants an answer when he asks, “And now? Do you still love her?”

Buck looks up and meets his gaze, steady and sure, as he shakes his head. “No. I don’t. Not the same way, at least.”

Eddie can’t breathe. He needs to look away before he does something stupid, but he can’t move.

Buck’s arm brushes his again and he closes his eyes so he doesn’t see Buck smile.

“You feel it, too,” Buck says, and then Eddie feels the hand on his arm, solid, tantalizing, and definitely not just a brush of skin. There’s an intent in his hands and Eddie feels it in that moment, the thing Buck had been reaching for a moment ago; The feeling, the sentiment, the something more just beyond words.

“I didn’t know how to move on,” Buck admits. Eddie can feel his breath, but resolutely refuses to open his eyes. He’s afraid of what will happen if he does. “And I didn’t realize until I saw her again that I already had.”

Finally, finally, Eddie opens his eyes. “Buck--” he starts, but then there’s a mouth on his and he can’t focus to breathe, let alone find words to say whatever it was he was going to say.

It’s a short kiss that seems to last minutes or hours, and when Buck finally pulls away, Eddie’s head is swimming.

That just happened.

He kissed me.

I’d very much like it if he did it again.

Buck is watching him with doe eyes, big and blue and waiting.

Waiting, he realizes, for Eddie to say something.

Ultimately, in the haze that still fills his head, he blurts out, “I fill your hole.”

A beat passes and then Buck is clutching his stomach laughing. “Yeah,” he says. “You fill my hole.”

Eddie feels his face burn and he shoves Buck, but can’t stop himself from laughing, too. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant the-- Stop laughing. I meant the Abby-shaped hole.”

Buck catches his arm and pulls him back in close. Their noses bump and the laughter dissipates. Eddie moves slowly, feeling like if he moves too quick he could startle Buck away. Buck would come to his senses, or Eddie would wake up in a cold bed, alone, realizing this has all been a dream. He’s wanted this for so long, much longer than he ever even admitted to himself. He cannot mess this up now.

But when he kisses Buck, slow and sure, he feels more certain than he ever has. He whispers into the kiss, “You fill my hole, too.”

The feeling of Buck laughing against his lips is something he never wants to forget.

“Dad?”

A hand knocks on his back and he jumps away from Buck, nearly toppling over Christopher in the process.

Chris.

He forgot about Christopher for a second.

He’d been careless, too wrapped up in his own head to even think about how Chris would take to seeing his dad and Buck kiss.

But Christopher is just staring up at him, plate in hand. “Can you move, please? You’re in front of the pizza.”

Eddie shifts to the side, tangling himself further in Buck’s arms. They watch quietly as Chris helps himself to another piece of pizza and wanders again back into the living room without another word.

They wait, tense and silent, for something, anything, to happen. It can’t be this easy, Eddie thinks. Nothing is ever this easy. Nothing with Buck is ever this easy.

And yet, it is. The way he’d slotted himself perfectly into their lives, becoming a centerpiece in not only Eddie's but Christopher's routine. It’s the easiest thing they’ve ever done.

“We should go,” Buck says. He grabs a plate and shoves a few slices of pizza on before leading Eddie into the living room. They sit together, eating and watching the movie. It’s Buck’s first time seeing it so they start it over and if Buck happens to cry, no one mentions a thing. Eddie just hands him a tissue and leans back into the couch, letting the warmness of it all wash over him.

This, he thinks, feels normal. In fact, he can’t imagine a more rational next step in their friendship, their relationship. It feels right.

As he catches Buck’s eyes over the top of Christopher’s head, they share a smile that says all of this and more.

This is home.

This is us, our family, ourselves.

This is love.

The End.

#finally finally #part three #it's done y'all!!!#I finished this chapter and i'm way too impatient to wait #so two parts in one day #buck x eddie #buddie #911 #my fics #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz

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bytheangell · 5 years ago

Text

A Heavy Leaf to Turn

(Read on AO3) (tw: self confidence issues, weight gain, canon-compliant self destructive behaviors)

It starts with a comment meant in good fun, just a passing quip during a sparring session about Alec’s new lifestyle making him soft with a tap to his stomach with the staff for emphasis, but it’s enough. Alec isn’t one to fixate on his appearance, barely sparing it a passing thought on a day to day basis. But now that he sees it when he looks in the mirror after training - not just in his stomach but in his face, and a few other places, too - there’s no denying that between his home life and shift to more desk work at the Institute he’s definitely started to put on weight.

Is that what everyone thinks about him? That the desk job is making him weak? That he’s not up to par the way he was just a few months ago?

He shakes it off and tells himself he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter - he’s still in great shape, can still hold his own in the field, he still got where he is because he’s one of the best. Everything’s fine.

...until he starts subconsciously slipping back into his old habits.

---

Jace can practically feel the weight start to lift off of his parabatai’s soul more and more every day. Alec was never meant to be a warrior. Sure, he’s good at it. Hell, he’s one of the best, especially when you put that bow in his hands. But Alec never took any real joy out of the hunt, out of a violent life full of chaos and bloodshed. He did it because it was expected of him - and now that something entirely different is expected of him, something he’s far more suited to, he’s happier than Jace has ever seen him.

This is Alec’s strength: being a leader, making changes in a broken system, paving the way for others like him, he’s not only still playing a huge role as a Shadowhunter but he’s making even more of an impact now than he ever would have in the field. This isn’t just what’s best for Alec, it’s what’s best for the Shadow World as a whole, of that Jace has no doubt.

Even without their bond it’s easy enough to see that Alec feels truly happy, safe, and loved. It’s all of these things that allow him to grow more comfortable in his own skin. Quite literally: Alec goes from concerningly lean, a clear sign of the overexercising Alec used to resort to daily, to a much healthier weight in the months following his wedding. Jace never makes a joke about the weight Alec starts to put on because he sees it for what it is: recovery. This is Alec getting better, and he’ll be damned if one of his usual smart-ass remarks is what sets him off again.

Instead Jace makes sure Alec still trains with him when he can, makes sure he goes on a patrol or two to stay involved even if he’s spending most of his time behind a desk now, just so he doesn't feel too cooped up or start to go a little stir crazy. He provides the balance Alec needs between his old habits and the new ones he probably doesn’t even realize he’s forming. And Jace doesn’t even have to let Alec win - Alec can still kick his ass half the time without even trying.

Jace is also in the training room the day one of the other Shadowhunters jokes about Alec’s weight, and it takes all of his self control not to toss the seraph blade in his hands straight at the guy’s mouth to shut him up. It’s difficult not to react when he looks at Alec and immediately sees the way Alec looks down with that flash of awareness, the way Jace can see him pull his stomach muscles tighter in response, the glance towards his discarded shirt as Alec debates putting it back on.

Yeah, Jace is pretty sure he deserves a freaking medal for not murdering the guy on the spot, but instead he goes up to the two of them with a casual smile.

“Hey, mind if I tap in? It’s been awhile since I got to kick my parabatai’s ass,” Jace jokes, and the other guy leaves without question.

Alec gives Jace a look like he knows exactly what he’s doing but says nothing, and instead wastes no time lunging forward on the attack. He’s glad to see Alec relax a little more around him, but not completely, which is never a good sign.

“You alright? You seem a little off today,” Jace asks, not wanting to bring up the comment but hoping Alec will.

“I’m good,” is all Alec says before leaving.

Jace hopes he’s telling the truth.

---

Magnus starts to notice immediately. Of course he’s aware of his husband’s weight gain given just how often his hands (among other parts of him) come into contact with Alec’s body on a daily basis, but given the life Alec previously lead it’s certainly a good change to see. Alec is a far cry from the person he was when they first met - a person who punished himself physically to distract from a number of other problems in his life - and Magnus likes to think he had a pretty large role to play in the transition.

It’s no secret that Magnus disapproves of many aspects of Shadowhunter culture - their desire to sacrifice oneself for the perceived ‘greater good’ is one among many of those. Magnus watched Alec hide a number of self-destructive habits under the cover of those twisted values, and then watched Alec slowly, almost painstakingly, break away from that mindset. The fact that Alec hasn’t resorted to any of his old coping mechanisms lately is something that Magnus is grateful for, especially since he knows the sort of uphill battle overcoming self-destructive habits can be.

So what if Alec puts on a few extra pounds in the process? It’s the healthiest he’s seen Alec since they met, and honestly, Magnus finds him more attractive now than ever before. Though it never comes up Magnus is convinced that Alec has to have noticed by now as well and simply recognizes it as the nonissue it is.

Which obviously isn’t the case, he now realizes. Magnus can tell the exact day Alec becomes aware of it without any knowledge of what happened at the Institute. That night Alec is self-conscious the moment their clothes are off, something he hasn’t been in quite some time, and Magnus can feel the muscles tense and Alec’s entire body shift away at the trail of lingering kisses Magnus leaves down his stomach. However vocally willing and agreeable Alec is, there’s some lingering reservation he isn’t admitting, Magnus can tell, and isn’t surprised at how eagerly Alec agrees to his suggestion they call it a night instead of going any further.

When Alec leaves early the next morning, skipping the breakfast they had planned to go on a run instead, Magnus wonders if he should be worried; when Alec starts coming home from the Institute later and leaving early every morning, Magnus knows the answer is yes.

---

Isabelle catches onto the shift as well. Ever since the wedding Alec’s been happier, like, all of the time. It’s a good look for him - he’s spending a little more time behind the desk, sure but that’s where he needs to be right now. With rumors of him being up for Inquisitor there’s no need to be putting his life needlessly in danger on routine missions that any of them can handle, not while he’s Head of the Institute. Isabelle and Jace both agree to take on a few more roles around the Institute to make sure Alec isn’t the one pulling all nighters covering new trainees or short-staffed patrols.

The bags around her brother’s eyes start to fade, replaced by a light and a sparkle that she can’t remember ever seeing so consistently. She doesn’t mind the extra work if it means giving her big brother a bit of a break - he certainly deserves one after everything he’s been through lately, and she’s just so thrilled to see him so relaxed that she’d give up anything if it meant he’d get to be this content forever. It’s all she’s ever wanted for him - it’s all she’s ever wanted for anyone she cares about - and after all the time she spent worried he’d never find this sort of peace she’s determined to do whatever it takes to make sure he gets to keep it.

And then, practically overnight, something changes. Alec starts putting himself on extra assignments, unnecessary ones, and staying out later each night. There are plenty of other people to go instead but he volunteers anyway and by the time his paperwork is done at the end of the night he’s half asleep on his desk.

She can read the signs - he starts wearing baggier clothing, training in the stifling heat with a hoodie on, and even starts to shy away from some of her hugs depending on his mood. She understands - going from a constantly active life to one that’s more paper work than field work has to be rough, especially for someone who was literally conditioned for it from birth - but she also refuses to stand for it. She hugs harder, compliments him constantly, and even tries to convince him to go shopping with her so she can pick out some new outfits that will suit his current physique better. Anything to keep him from going back to the way things used to be. And after a while he seems to accept that this can work, too, he just has to get used to it.

After a few days of this Isabelle stops him in the middle of gearing up for yet another patrol. “I’m on this one. You go home and get some rest.”

“I’m fine,” Alec insists, not even pausing.

“Alec, please-”

“I said I’m fine, Iz. Really. You can wrap up that autopsy report from earlier and head out, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Isabelle watches him leave with a frown, not sure what she can do to make this better and certain Alec wouldn’t let her intervene even if she did.

---

Maryse doesn’t see Alec as often as she’d like to, but the pair of them have been keeping up a once-a-week dinner so long as no emergencies pop up. This week is no different, except she can tell the entire way through that something is on his mind - he looks exhausted, like he’s been losing sleep, and it’s a look she knows well on him even if she hasn’t seen it in a while. Almost immediately about a dozen red flags go up.

The last time she saw him this bothered by something was the day he gave the Lightwood family ring back to her after his plan to propose to Magnus didn’t work out. Maryse can’t honestly say that she’s always held the most traditional of motherly values for her children - raising trained warriors puts a different spin on things than a mundane upbringing - but recent developments in all of their lives has shifted the way she looks at things now.

Things like the prioritizing of her children’s happiness over normal Shadowhunter measurements of success. And right now she can see that Alec isn’t happy, not the way he has been lately.

She doesn’t pry it out of him, and instead waits patiently, making small talk about their weeks until Alec finally puts his fork down over his barely touched meal and asks:

“Do you think I’m getting lazy?”

Maryse could laugh at how absurd the question is, but knows he means it. The gaze he locks on her is serious and troubled.

“Absolutely not. Why on earth would you think that?” She says instead.

“You haven’t heard anyone saying anything about… I dunno. How much time I spend in the office? I barely go on missions, my patrols have cut in half... and it’s great to have more time to spend with Magnus, don’t get me wrong, but even that… I’ve become so stagnant I’m actually gaining weight. I haven’t gained weight since I stopped getting taller!” He shakes his head in clear exasperation. “I just feel like I’m slipping up, like I should be doing more.”

“Is that why you spent all week pulling extra shifts?” She asks, remembering earlier when his recount of the week seemed much more intense than it had the past few months.

“Maybe,” Alec admits reluctantly. “I thought I could try to go back to full active duty, and just keep up with the paperwork at night. If I could pick up patrols and training the way I used to then maybe I could-”

“Go back to being as miserable as you used to be, too?” Maryse cuts him off, and Alec’s words fall short as his eyes widen in surprise.

“What?” She continues in that ‘I’m your mother and I know’ voice she knows all of her children dislike. “Before you met Magnus and decided to fight for him, before you were appointed Head of the Institute, you weren’t happy. You did all of those things out of obligation, because you felt like you had to in order to prove yourself. You weren’t doing them for you or because you wanted to. You hated that life. And I bet you’ve been miserable all week trying to go back to it.”

She watches the expression on Alec’s face shift through a series of emotions the longer he thinks over her words. “So you don’t think I’m slacking off?”

“I think you have to realize there’s a difference between being complacent and being comfortable, Alec. You’re finally comfortable, with a man you love, doing a job you love. I’ve never been more proud of you. You don’t have to push yourself to exhaustion 24/7 to be successful - the past few months are testament enough to that. And I’m sorry if I was ever a part of making you think that had to be the case.”

She stops there, watching his expression and waiting for him to really hear what she’s saying to him because this is important. She doesn’t want him to ever feel like he has to go back to the way things were before, not after all the progress he’s made in spite of everything stacked against him. She didn’t know it then but she realizes now how unhappy he was, and she never wants to play a role in that ever again now that she does.

“Thanks, Mom,” Alec says before going back to his dinner, and she can already see some of that burden lift off of him, some of the spark return to his eyes, and knows he’s going to be okay.

---

It’s 2 am when Alec gets back to the loft. Magnus knows because despite Alec’s attempt to sneak in Magnus is waiting up for him, awake and sitting on the sofa in the living room.

“I told you not to wait up for me,” Alec says, but even as the words leave his lips he makes his way straight to Magnus, sitting down next to him and settling in against the soft silk of the robe Magnus has on. It’s almost enough for Magnus to decide to push off the conversation he planned on having in favor of snuggling with Alec on the sofa, but he can’t. It’s too important.

“I was worried. This past week-” Magnus starts, but doesn’t get much further before Alec cuts him off.

“I know,” Alec admits, surprising him. There’s no stalling, no deflecting, no making excuses and saying he’s fine… nothing Magnus mentally prepared to hear. “I’m sorry. Someone at the Institute made a comment the other day and I guess I psyched myself out a little over it.”

Magnus nods. “And how are you feeling about it now?”

It’s a specially crafted patience Magnus tries to show Alec whenever possible, no matter the situation. Even now Magnus doesn’t ask what the comment was, or demand to know why Alec didn’t bring it up sooner - he just wants to know how Alec’s doing here and now, to make sure he’s alright.

“Better,” Alec admits, shifting to face Magnus as he answers. “It just hit me all at once how much I changed these past few months and I was afraid - I don’t know what I was afraid of, really. That people thought I wasn’t as good of a Shadowhunter any more? That I wasn’t trying hard enough now that I’m the Institute Head?”

“Your life has changed a great deal lately, and that sort of shift takes time to adjust to. But I remember when I first met you at the Institute; it wasn’t healthy, mentally or physically, the way you were living. Any changes you’ve made lately have been for the better,” Magnus insists.

“I can see that now,” Alec says. “I had a little chat with my mother earlier and she put a few things into perspective for me.”

“Good,” Magnus says, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Then I suppose I can spare you the lecture, so long as you’re sure you’re alright.”

“I think I am,” Alec agrees. “At least about all of the job-related things. But…” Alec starts, then trails off again. Magnus can tell he’s feeling self-conscious about whatever it is he wants to say.

“But…?” Magnus encourages.

“Nothing. Never mind, it’s stupid,” Alec immediately attempts to take back.

“Nothing that bothers you, especially this much, is stupid. Talk to me, dear,” Magnus insists, reaching out to take Alec’s hands in his own, the warmth of them an immediate comfort.

“It’s just… You don’t mind... I mean, I’m sure you’ve noticed-” Alec gestures vaguely, stalling.

“That you gained a little weight?” Magnus finishes for him, not in an ‘obviously’ sort of way, but more of a ‘mercy-fill-in-the-blank’ that Alec was probably never going to manage to say himself.

“Yeah,” Alec confirms, frowning again.

Magnus laughs. “Alexander, while your abs are, I’ll admit, a very pleasing aspect of your physique - they’re hardly the reason I’m with you. You could gain a hundred pounds and I’d still love you just the same. Though for the record you are still objectively and entirely unbiasedly the most attractive person in my world. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to show you just how much I appreciate your body when we’ve finished this conversation.”

“Yeah?” Alec practically sighs in relief.

“Of course. Your worth isn’t tied to how many hours you spend on patrol, or a number on a scale. You’re working harder than ever to make a difference in this world and that is what I love you for - more than I could possibly put into words. And if you ever doubt that again I’ll be right here to remind you, each and every time.” Magnus makes sure to look Alec in the eyes as he speaks, not allowing any room for doubt that every word is sincere. He needs to know that Alec doesn’t just hear the words, but believes them, too.

Alec holds his gaze and nods. A moment later he’s leaning back against Magnus’ shoulder again, the world settling back into place around them. They take a few minutes to simply exist, comfortable in the silence between them. Magnus lifts a hand to idly play with a few strands of Alec’s hair, pressing a soft kiss onto the crown of Alec’s head, until Alec finally breaks the silence.

“I know what you said about… appreciation earlier,” Alec starts slowly. “But could we take a rain-check until tomorrow? It’s been a long week, and honestly, I’m exhausted. All I want right now is a shower and about a week’s worth of sleep.”

“I can’t help with the missed sleep,” Magnus admits. “But the shower and bedtime cuddles I can do.”

With a wave of his hand the previously quiet apartment is filled with the distant noise of the shower turning on, water beginning to run so it’ll be warm by the time Alec gets there. It’s a small, simple gesture, but one that Magnus knows doesn’t go unappreciated, especially during moments like these.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Alec sighs happily. “But I’m glad I don’t have to find out.”

“Me too, darling,” Magnus agrees softly. “Me too.”

#malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #shadowhunters #jace herondale #isabelle lightwood #maryse lightwood #long post #an idea i had for a while that didn't turn out quite the way i planned #but i hope you like the end result!#it wasn't meant to have angst but this is who i am as a person #elle writes a few deadbeat lines

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linkspooky · 5 years ago

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day two butterfly effect -

butterfly envy shigaraki ponders how different he could have been and longs to transform as lies on Ujiko’s surgical table / for @villainmonth / edit by @inumaqi / fic by @linkspooky

The border between life and death was as thin as paper. He knew better than anyone else. Life’s fragility, like those centimeters thick wings. Life was destroyed with a single touch.

His hands were never meant to hold onto anything. That was why Shigaraki wondered again and again why someone like him was born with hands. Did his mother know when he was in the womb, what exactly she was giving birth to? When she expected to cradle a human baby in her arms, what did she feel when she saw him instead? Humans can only feel affection for other humans. Perhaps all the members of that household were aware of it before he was. That was why they silenced him, that was why they slowly pushed him away. His sister was the only natural born child of that family, and that was why she had died along with them, he was something else. The same way a cuckoo’s egg was laid in the nest of another bird. They are a parasitic brood, because the baby cuckoo is fed the bird’s other children are neglected, and slowly because of the presence of the cuckoo they starved.

His father realized he was raising the egg of another bird. He must have known, this boy was born to destroy his nest. His parents knew what he was, and they could not forgive him. They tried to stop him by suffocating him slowly. They denied that this child ever existed within this household. Even Tenko forgot about who he was and pretended to be a normal child for awhile. In the end you cannot change who you are. What you were born as is deeper than your skin. That was why he felt a terrible itching there. It was like the skin he was wearing was on the wrong body, like his insides and outsiders were mismatched. He was rejecting himself, the boy who wanted to become a hero and play pretend like he could become someone good like All Might.

That itch like fire ants crawling underneath his skin. Insects feeding from him on the insides, he could feel them sucking from his veins, and munching on the tissue of his organs. He rotted away on the inside, slowly. He must have been stillborn in some way. He was born as what he was, a glitch in this world. A person who did not belong anywhere. A person incompatible with everyone. The bug only existed as a flaw in the system, to bring the whole CPU to ruin. A repulsive bug, without any hands, not in the shape of a human, only able to crawl on his belly in the dirt. ‘ The only difference between a snake and a worm was one had venomous fangs, and the other was stepped on.

Shigaraki did not think it could be helped. Even if a hero tried to save him that day, just like his father, they would be destroyed. He could not change what he was born as. As long as they are alive, people have to live as themselves until the day they die. That was why he looked with envy of their wings.

A butterfly spread their wings in front of him. Several veins ran through the wings leaving black trails that led all the way to the edges, where only white spots remain. The shape of the wings itself were jagged, with holes torn in the frayed end, and yet they could still fly with such wings. The veins looked like blood from some old wound cascading outward, or maybe tears that fell in streams down your face.

He could destroy those wings in one touch. All of the colors contained in those wings, burning up all at once, would paint him the most beautiful portrait he could ever imagine.

Shigaraki hesitated. A butterfly started out as a worm too, but they were able to become something else. He stopped being a worm, but never became a butterfly. He was still trapped inside the silk he spun around himself. Yet no matter how much he grew he could never break free. Shigaraki could destroy everything around him, and yet he could not move enough to break the clear glass of the chrysalis in front of him. The whole world could be burning, and he still could not open his eyes as long as he slept in the sticky goo of a butterfly’s womb. Sometimes he wished he had been born with a different name. If his birth name was Shigaraki, if he was that man’s natural son, then maybe he would not have to hurt himself so much continually chopping is body into pieces and sewing himself back together in order to transform.

♚

Shigaraki observed his arms. There were cracks running down his skin, entire chunks of flesh missing. That confirmed what he always thought, he really was a glitch. The freak accident of the decay quirk manifesting in Shimura Tenko meant this body could not handle his quirk. The doctor says the same thing while Shigaraki only half pays attention, that quirks are getting more and more powerful while bodies lag behind them.

The software outpaces the hardware. His quirk, the glitch that would destroy both.

The origin of the word “computer bug” comes from a malfunction of an early electromechanical computer. The error was traced back to a moth trapped in a relay. Something as small and insignificant as a moth and the beat of its wings could bring down the entire system.

Something as insigificant as the beating of a butterfly’s wings could change everything. That was what he was, but the glitch destroyed his own body now too. He always knew, he knew that there was something repulsive inside of him. His body knew it before he did, and that was why it so violently rejected him. His itch, his own internal organs rejected him the same way a donor organ was eventually rejected by the body, instead of functioning they only made him sicker.

An eternal nausea.

The sickness of living. It was always underneath his skin and now it has spread like a rash to the surface. He stood there in silence, his body half naked under the harsh lights of the hospital. He looked at himself in the mirror. And saw nothing. He had yet to become someone. This body was not who he was. It could not handle who he was. He was… Who was he again? Skin, and muscle, and ribs that could each be individually seen and traced with a finger under the skin. A face covered in wrinkles as his skin shriveled up in self disgust for the person underneath it, and two scars that never healed on his eye, on his lip. Sunken in eyes with dark circles all around them, that were so empty it looked like they had been gouged out with a spoon. The shadows of empty eye sockets would probably look more human than the eyes staring back at him in the mirror right now. His chest pressed up against his skin, is collarbone, the divet of his breasts, both of them clear in their shape. He breathed, and he could hear his bones creak and rattle with the effort. Lifeless hair fell on top of him in a mop, hair without color that had died a long time ago, but stayed attached to his scalp. He was. Shigaraki Tomura. Shimura Tenko. He was… dying.

Dying to become a butterfly.

That was why he laid on that operating table, and told the doctor to cut open his chest, pull out his heart, and sever all of the veins one by one. This body was not suited for a creature like him that could only destroy, this body broke far too easily. He needed a new one.

♚

The caterpillar spins a cocoon of silk, and eventually molts into a translucent clear, chrysallis.

A worm transforms into something beautiful, but the transformation itself is ugly and wretched. The capterillar releases enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues. It digests itself. Then it exists in a soup of its own digested organs. But not everything is digested, what remains is the parts of a butterfly.

The caterpillar was already born with all of the organs it needs to become a butterfly inside of them. They walk with rudimentary wings tucked inside their bodies without ever knowing. The limbs are cut apart. The flesh melts. The head is detached. The nerves are cut off one by one. The caterpillar writhes in agony in its cocoon. Its insides are churned and rearranged. A caterpillar spinning its own chrysallis was tantamount to suicide. They spun the silk rope they were going to hang themselves on. That is the pain of the surgery once Shigaraki wakes up, wrapped again entirely with bandages only his red eyes showing in gaps between the crisscrossing bandages that look like the white silk of a cocoon slowly falling apart around him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, I hate this.” Shigaraki reacted to the pain eloquently. His wings are emerging, he could feel them all alone tucked beneath his spine, but to have wings the entire flesh of his back needs to be ripped out first. He can feel flesh rending and tearing.

“I hate the doctor and his shitty surgery. I hate Re-destro and his stupid nose. Fuck - I just hate everything.” He tried to stand up on his own again. Even though it was only a few minutes after he first woke up from the surgery. The doctor should have strapped him to the bed. The last time he could not stand up on his own, he was in an alleyway, crying for help. The last time he relied on master’s help, master disappeared in front of him before he could pay him back. He has to stand all alone, and the moment he managed to get himself off the bed Shigaraki’s entire body crumples. He hates this, four minutes in and he hates it. There was no love inside of him, and he could not love the world he was fundamentally incompatible with, so he just hated, and hated, and hated.

Shigaraki raised his hand in front of his own face, tempted to grab it with all five fingers until his brain rotted away completely instead of continuing to exist in a half rotten state. Perhaps what master saw in him was wrong, he was not someone who could become a king. The reason no one saved him was because he was a worthless child right from the start. Shigaraki lived this way the entire life. If he destroyed what was causing him pain, the pain would go away. But, it never went away, not really. Perhaps he was only ever treating the symptoms, like removing tumors. The reason people experienced remissions of cancer was that cells continued to divide until another glitch occured. It was the process of life itself that caused cancer. The pitiful worm in its chrysalis. He could crush the crystalline structure between his fingertips, shatter it like glass and watch all of its insides pour out and ooze from between the cracks. It would be the most satisfying thing to close all of his fingers around and break. He tried to do the same once in the past. If he cut off his hands he could live the same as everybody else. If he cut off those wretched hands they would not reach out to destroy anyone.

But master stopped him. He did not care for a future. Everyone could do whatever they wanted when it was all gone. If that was true then why… why did he hesitate to close his hand around his face. Several faces flashed through his mind at once. He thought he hated everything, but he found there were people in this world he could not hate no matter how hard he tried.

Shigaraki let his hand drop down to his side and lay there pathetically on the ground gazing at the white ceiling above him. When everything was destroyed, what would the sky look like? He finally understood why ugly creatures like caterpillars put themselves through that hell, boiling their insides alive so they could become something else. They looked up at the sky and desired freedom.

Freedom from everything. Four months from now when this was over would he be able to see that horizon? He reached his hand up again this time reaching up. At that time, he wanted them there. He wanted to show them the horizon he longed to see all of his life. As his fingers continued to curl to reach a few extra centimeters. A butterfly descended. It landed on the tip of his finger, but it was not destroyed.

#villainmonth #villainmonth2019 #zeldi drabbles tag #shigaraki tomura #shigaraki fic #shimura tenko #tw: self harm #tw: abuse mention

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mybrainistoofull · 5 years ago

Text

June 18, 2020: S (Part 1 ((probably)))

I met S last year when I came home to get a job.

I lived overseas and I can’t get a job there so I came home. I spent the summer living with my grandparents in middle-of-nowhere Alabama, 10 minutes from the state-line with Mississippi. I went to church with my Aunt and Uncle and while there I decided it would be fun if I got involved with the youth group.

I’m a fairly shy person so this was like a haha I’m going to push myself and make friends thing! Then I realized that youth was pretty much out for the summer and basically consisted of 5 guys sitting around a table playing uno and stopping for a 10 minute lesson by one of their dads. Turned out to be the best thing ever but when I walked in I almost freaked out and left.

I kinda just found a seat in the corner and sat there pretending to read on my phone for awhile... Nobody talked to me other than to say hi when I walked in and listen when my Uncle’s friend introduced me to them.

Then S showed up.

Not totally sure what happened but next thing I know I’m being taught how to play their insane version of uno.

If you have never played loco uno with a bunch of sugar high freshmen and sophomore guys you have never had true fun.

I still wasn’t totally comfortable though. I had talked and laughed with them but I didn’t belong and I felt out of my depth so as soon as the lesson was over I grabbed my stuff and headed out of the room. I was nervous and high strung. I was ready to leave and calm down and process all that had happened.

“HEY -------- you wanna stay and play another round of Uno?”

Not gonna lie, I panicked. I continued to walk out of the room and called over my shoulder “No thanks!” and then sprinted up the stairs. I mentally beat myself up as I ran to my car. OF COURSE I WANTED TO STAY! I had the time of my life and someone asked me to stick around! Nobody ever asks me to stay. Why did I say no!!! Because I”m an idiot who has a one track mind and can’t handle social interaction *facedesk*

I got distracted. I didn’t mean to tell this whole story.

Basically S was the only person who put any effort into hanging out with and getting to know me. He always invited me to uno, gave me tips on how to play better, hung out with me at the cookout, joked around with me, made fun of the middle schoolers on the water slide. He was super cool and super fun and he was great. Also was kind of very very attractive and I might have had a crush on him last year... He has always done certain things that I don’t know how to interpret because I haven’t been able to watch how he interacts with other people. When ever I showed up for an event he’d appear and spend the rest of the evening with me and whoever else was with me. My cousin M started coming with me after a while and he’d hang out with both of us. I could never figure out how he worked and why he was spending time with us instead of with his friends. I DON”T EVEN KNOW IF HE REALLY HAS FRIENDS! He and I only ever hung out with other people during sunday school and they were all his little brothers friends. There were a bunch of other people at the cookout and he ate dinner with those guys but after that he just sat around with me and M. It’s weird and I can’t explain it and my memories from last year are stained by my over analyzing mind that was very turned on by how freaking hot he was and how nice he was being.

But now it is a whole year later. I didn’t talk to him after I went back home and every now and then my cousin would mention that she’d seen S at a football game and he’d waved or something.

It’s quarantine so church has changed a bit and youth group isn’t meeting but the youth director decided to do a movie on the lawn thing. People could come see their friends, be socially distanced, have fun. I was like I’m not doing anything else so might as well go.

Went with M and my brother. It was super fun. We didn’t really know anybody because M is bad at making friends and J has never been to this youth group and I haven’t been around in a year. I’m a lot more confident than I was back then but that doesn’t mean I can walk up to a group of strangers and introduce myself.

I saw S as we walked up because he kind of stands out and I was looking for him. He was talking to a friend so I didn’t go over. I picked a spot for us all to sit and we chilled and joked around while we waited for the movie to start. Had to move because they moved the screen to try and make it easier to see. Been kinda watching S the whole time trying to figure out if he remembered me and see how he’d changed and how he acts around other people.

Like two minutes after we had moved and max 15 minutes after we had showed up S walks over and just starts talking to us. I just role with it because what else am I going to do. He eventually is like “Yeah I recognized you when you walked up. I was like YO IT”S AFRICA CHICK! Sorry I can’t actually remember your na--”

“It’s --------”

“Ah I was close. Thought it was -----.”

“Ha that’s fine.”

Then we don’t talk for what felt like a minute or two but was probably only 30 seconds. Eventually one of us says something and we start a small conversation again. Then silence. This goes on for a little bit until finally a topic sticks.

Y’all... He loves to read and his favorite genre is sci-fi. I KID YOU NOT THOSE ARE LITERALLY TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS EVER! How did I not learn that last year?! He’s read Wheel of Time! Granted I wasn’t able to finish that series because it got too boring but J has read the whole thing and told me everything about it. Plus that series was finished by my favorite author EVER! Brandon Sanderson is the best you should go check him out. Highly recommend. He has something for almost everyone.

Long story short he spends the entire evening with us. He gets his chair and plops it down next to ours and watches the movie with us. Who does that? Who leaves their friends to sit with the girl you met a year ago, her brother, and a freshmen? I was impressed.

I did have a crush on him last year. I do not have a crush on him this year. Yes he has become way more attractive. Yes, he shares one of my greatest passions and seems to show interest in being my friend. But I don’t like him like that. I’m just not interested in having a relationship that is more than friendly. Besides I barely know him and I’m moving 6 hours away in the fall and won’t be back until Christmas. There is literally no point.

However that won’t stop me from analyzing because I’m stupid and he did some slightly weird stuff.

First: There were a number of times during the beginning where there were some rather long pauses and he didn’t leave. He showed no interest in leaving. Most people would leave. Why didn’t he?

Second: He acted like he had known us for ages. He just casually joined our conversation, and would commentate on the movie, and make jokes like we were old friends. HOW? I want to know how he does this. I want to be able to do this!

Third: I asked J to go get me some candy from the bucket and I told him I’d prefer Reeses or Snickers but if those weren’t there I’d take Skittles. He came back with Skittles and was like there were also Starbursts but I didn’t think you’d like those. I would definitely have preferred Starburst and I told him so but I didn’t want to make him walk all the way back over there so I took the skittles and they were pretty good. Like 10 minutes later S passes me some starbursts and is like here take the rest I only wanted the reds. Am I over thinking? Probably.

Fourth: He recognized me from across the parking lot! Enough said.

Basically I don’t know who this guy really is. M isn’t any help because she’s a freshmen who thinks that this super attractive junior talking to her is the coolest thing to walk on the face of the earth and is super smitten. Which, I can’t blame her he’s cool but like COME ON she was supposed to be my inside info. I need her to tell me if he’s normally this friendly. If he normally comes over to talk to her. Who does he normally hang out with? I don’t know these things and I want to know these things.

I also really want to get to know him more and be his friend. My definition of friend is more than I talk to you when I see you and we can joke around or whatever. A friend is someone you intentionally try and communicate with and hang out with. You text or dm or whatever with them on semi regular basis. You plan times to meet up. Also other things that I can’t think of now. But I’m not S’s friend yet and I will be. Probably.

#dear diary #journal entry #over thinking #so theres this guy #help #friendships #romance #what are these things

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mattzerella-sticks · 6 years ago

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Drop the Act (Dean/Cas, Sam-centric fic, Post-Canon, 3.5k)

After defeating the Empty, Sam thought all the surprises were done for. Cas was saved, was human, and the Winchesters were a complete family unit doing what they do best: hunting monsters and saving people. He didn't account for his brother and angel best friend to manage one final surprise after coming back from a routine hunt in Florida.

But that's what happens when you don't see what's been happening right in front of you for a year.

(Love to my #SPNFamily)

(Link to ao3)

Sam enjoyed the Bunker these past two weeks while Dean and Cas were away. It was a vacation filled with dusty archives and suspenseful podcasts, eating when he wanted to and not having to put his research away while he did it.

There were a few interruptions, like phone calls from his mom checking in. Making sure Sam didn’t neglect basic care for translating more texts. He was offended when Mary suggested he take a night off and step out from the underground. So Sam wouldn’t become, in her words, a ‘hermit’.

His entire time alone wasn’t spent holed away from the world; Sam jogged in the early mornings – when he remembered to sleep at a normal time. And every other day he’d set aside a half-hour for yoga among the trees. Mary still wasn’t satisfied at that, remarking how little he interacted with others in his downtime. Rolling his eyes, Sam told her he hadn’t any need. The kitchen was well stocked before Dean left, and unlike his brother Sam learned how to control his portions.

Sam wasn’t avoiding people; he found no need to seek others out. But when they came, he didn’t turn them away. Even with Dean and Cas out, Jack stayed with him. He, too, was uninvited from the hunt. They left each other alone for the most part, both busy with their own things. If he saw Jack, though, he wouldn’t ignore him. Sam invited his angelic son along with him the other day when he took interest with his yoga mat. Jack didn’t get farther than the warrior pose, but he had fun with it.

So Sam had no problem being around people. He just appreciated his alone time, especially after a rough couple of months. Drowning in back-to-back hunts, he needed to lock himself down and recharge his batteries. Dean and Cas finding their own hunt, one he wasn’t asked to go on, was a sign. The peace and quiet lifted Sam’s spirits. He wasn’t bombarded with loud music, the clatter of pots and pans, distracting chatter and loud, suspicious noises at strange times. Wherever those two went, a commotion was hanging overhead like heavy, dark clouds.

When he heard the slam of the Bunker door though, he knew his serenity was shattered. He shut his book with a sigh, glancing up as Dean and Cas descended the staircase with suitcases in hand.

The hunt was in Florida, closer to Miami than Orlando. Now back in Kansas, they still looked ready for the beach. Dean wore a calm t-shirt of a muted grey color, a complete opposite to Cas’s loud rainbow colored Hawaiian shirt. They both also had on board shorts and flip-flops. Sunglasses were loss in the bird’s nest of Cas’s dark hair while Dean’s was hidden by his backwards cap. The entire walk down the stairs, the two bickered with relaxed grins stretched across their tan faces. Cas’s skin was even more bronzed than usual, while Dean’s body shone with star-like freckles.

Even after a year, Sam found Cas a strange sight when out of his holy tax accountant armor. Picking out a wardrobe was one of the many things Dean taught Cas after becoming human. He didn’t mind, sticking by their friend’s side through it all. He forgot much of what he already learned for his first stint, and the process the second time around was anything but easy. Dean’s resolve never wavered, helping Cas develop his routines and explore his tastes. “What I should have done the first time around,” Dean said.

“Hey guys,” Sam waved at them, “Didn’t know you were coming back so soon.”

Dean nodded, dropping his stuff at the head of the table. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. We kinda lost track of time and forgot to call…”

“To be fair,” Cas said laying his own luggage beside Dean’s, “I assumed Dean had already done so before we left the motel.”

He rolled his eyes. “When could I have? I wasn’t out of your sight that entire morning.” Dean sat, continuing. “Besides, I thought I told you to text Sam when we stopped for the night in Illinois?”

“That’s your fault,” Cas told him, taking the chair to Dean’s left for himself. “My thumb hit the wrong button because of somebody –“

“Oh like that was a problem for you,” Dean cut him off, beaming. Cas matched it in intensity, their smiles glowing with radiant bliss.

Sam cleared his throat, dragging their attention to him before the pull between them was too strong. “I’m glad you’re both home,” he said, glancing between the two, “the Bunker hasn’t been the same since you left…”

Dean nudged Cas, chuckling. “That’s moose-talk for he wanted a few more days without us.”

Glaring, Sam decided to not snag the bait. Instead, he asked them to share how the hunt went. They were tightlipped with the details over the phone, really only connecting with him through text. Sam’s digitization made accessing the Bunker’s resources much easier, but also took away any help he could offer.

They told the story in halves, both of them interrupting the other at the oddest times with little facts and quips. It was hard to follow along at times, but Sam understood the gist of it.

A shifter was targeting couples involved with a retreat program built to counsel married couples through communication problems. Sam snuck in a quick jab, wondering that if this hunt happened maybe years earlier things would have been different.

“Yuck it up,” Dean scoffs, “But some of that shit was actually helpful… if you wanted to be some kind of new age freak in touch with your emotions.”

“Anyway,” Cas course corrected, knocking shoulders with Dean, “we managed to sign up before the next session began so we could investigate.”

“Turns out Cas asks questions better when he’s out of the Fed suit.”

Sam stifles back a chuckle after Cas smacks Dean on the shoulder with a soft thwack. “At least I was asking questions. Half the time you were either on the beach or by the pool –“

“It sucked enough that there was a shifter there, I was trying to make the most of our trip.”

“We still managed to enjoy ourselves, after taking care of the monster…”

Dean sighed, scratching at his neck. “Yeah that’s true.”

Sam looked between the two, brow raised. “So, how did you take care of it?”

The hunt barely lasted longer than three days, the extended time because Dean and Cas had trouble testing the staff with silver. Dean pouted, “Seriously, using the rings was a good start until you get called in to a session with a therapist about commitment and cheating.” He waggled his fingers, flashing the silver band towards him. Sam spied Cas’s hand resting on the table, wearing a similar ring.

Cas smiled at Dean, eyes shining with warmth. “Although I did enjoy your very passionate defense when she assumed you took our marriage as seriously as a… what did she say? ‘Like a teen does his curfew’?”

“She was bonkers,” Dean growled, “Just wanted to separate us, get us out of the way. Figured… since she was the shifter.”

“She was?” Sam asked, “Did you gank her right then?”

“We didn’t realize until later,” he said, “Much later.”

Dean and Cas got into an argument after the meeting with the therapist. He was hurt and blowing off steam, and by doing that drew unwanted attention their way. “It didn’t matter what she or any of them thought,” Cas told them, “We were there for one thing –“

“I didn’t take that well either,” Dean admitted, sheepishly darting his eyes back and forth between Cas and the table. “Stormed off to be alone for awhile… mainly sat by the surf and watched it tickle my toes.”

“While I involved myself in the activities,” Cas said, “Until Dean came to apologize.”

Sam eyes his friend, “That… sounds ominous.”

Dean chuckled, “That’s because it wasn’t me.”

The shifter decided to corner Cas on his way to the pottery lesson, dragging him away to a hidden alcove. Fake Dean took every measure to appear reticent, and quoted a lot of their history back at Cas. He shrugged at Sam. “She did her research.” Cas was ready to forgive Dean, waiting for him to take the first step. It was only when she suggested they seal their argument with some make-up sex did Cas figure out it wasn’t Dean.

Sam rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the first time a monster read more into his brother’s relationship with their friend. And for once it played to their benefit. He shot off a quick prayer that Dean got used to those types of digs. Before, he would scowl for days and butch it up. Now any mention brought out a wry chuckle and a soft look. Sam couldn’t imagine his brother would have been okay faking a relationship with another man a decade ago. He’s really grown, becoming comfortable with his sexuality.

“I stabbed her in the heart when she tried unbuttoning my pants,” Cas said.

Dean leaned into him and smirked. “And that’s when I found them.”

Sam spluttered. “You did?”

“Oh yeah, was walking, working up the courage to see Cas and… let’s just say it didn’t make me feel better stumbling on that.”

“You knew what it was, though,” Cas comforted him, hand disappearing under the table, “All the times I said I wanted to kill you meant nothing in that moment.”

“Oh yeah that moment…”

Sam watched them slip into another one of their moods. Where Dean stared at Cas, and vice versa. Nothing could pierce the veil created when both men communicated with only their eyes. When they started these, Sam felt left out. He wanted that closeness, where someone could know what he was feeling with a single glance. Through the years he got over it, though. What Dean and Cas shared couldn’t be replicated. Now all he felt was a fond annoyance. In the early years, he could count these special interactions with both hands. But then that number grew exponentially. After they got Cas back from the Empty, it rocketed near infinity. Sam knew why.

Dean and Cas were best friends, the former angel an official Winchester brother. Losing him after Lucifer stabbed him was like cutting off a limb. The Empty, two limbs. In the ceremony freeing Cas from that void, Dean vowed to never let any power come between them. His conviction, a powerful magic in itself, forced the Empty into slumber. Not before it shrouded the two as the final words were spoken. They broke the curse hanging over them, and all it cost was Cas’s grace.

“I don’t need it, not anymore,” he said, once they settled back in the Bunker, “Not when I have my family.”

Sam cleared his throat, breaking their intense focus. Back for less than an hour, and he had his fill of them. He asked what happened for the rest of the hunt. “You wrapped it up so quickly… but you were there longer?”

“Dude, we were in Florida,” Dean said, “Vacation.”

“Seriously?”

“Hell yeah,” his brother grinned, teeth sharp and white. “Do you know there are nude beaches in Florida –“

“Gross, I don’t want to hear it –“

“It’s just the human body, Sam.”

“Whatever.”

Dean turned to Cas. “I think he’s gotten his fill of us already.”

“Then we might as well unpack,” Cas sighed, standing, “I’m feeling kind of ripe.” As he stood, Dean did as well; the reason being their joined hands, as Sam noticed. He gaped at them, unnoticed. “I’d kill for a shower right now.”

“Well I hope not me,” Dean joked, leading them away.

Before they could get too far, Sam found his voice. “Guys?” he yelped, voice cracking near the end. Dean and Cas glanced back, free hands hovering over their bags. “What are you… what’s going on?”

“We’re heading to our room, Sam,” Dean said, “What else does it look like?” Whispering to Cas, he talked from the corner of his mouth. “Someone had his nose in the books too long…”

“Our room?” Sam parroted, “What are…” In an instant his face shifted, smoothing out into a familiar expression. He set the tired lines of his bitch face to radiate the most annoyance with his brother’s actions. “Okay, I get it. Ha ha… good one.”

“Okay, now you’re starting to freak me out,” Dean stepped closer worryingly, “Talk to me Sammy. Tell me what’s the matter.”

“That shifter sure got you wrong,” Sam muttered, returning to his book, “You sure seem committed to this bit.”

“What ‘bit’?”

“Seriously, Dean, the case is over. You and Cas can drop the married act now.” He wanted to finish the chapter. It’s difficult when his brother and friend are glaring at him with righteous fury. If he didn’t already know Cas lost his powers, he’d be very concerned for his well-being. “What?”

“Sam,” Cas started, “Dean and I are married.”

The bombshell that dropped before him sounded suspiciously like his book slipping through his fingers. It was a contest, which would blink first him or them. Sam waited for the ringing in his ears stop before asking. “W-what?”

All fight drained from Dean and Cas, each sneaking looks at each other before shooting Sam twin looks of concern. “Sam,” Dean tried, reaching a hand out, “are you okay –“

“I should be asking you that,” Sam leapt to his feet, eyeing him for any clues. “Were you sure it was only a shifter. This isn’t like a spell or anything?” He dragged his fingers across Dean’s chest, as if a hex bag was taped there like a recording device.

Dean bat his hands away. “Dude, the hell? No there weren’t any witches. Me and Cas are married.”

“You’re serious?” Sam asked them, eyes wide, “You guys got married in Florida?”

“No, Sam,” Cas said, “Dean and I have been married for a while… we celebrated our anniversary in Florida.”

“…What?”

“Yeah,” Dean continued, drawing Cas in closer, “One year. Why do you think we didn’t want anyone else coming with us?”

“Because…because you didn’t need us for the hunt?”

“When we went there was no hunt,” Dean sighed, “Except Winchester luck made it so we had ourselves a working vacation. You’re lucky we managed to salvage what was left so we weren’t coming back cranky. Although… ‘m not feeling too good now.”

“Oh my God, you two… I can’t believe this…” Sam sank back down into his seat, tugging at his hair. “A… a year? How… When?”

“You were there, Sam,” Cas said, “all of you were. Mary, Bobby… Jack, Claire, Jody, Donna and the girls… Chuck –“

“Hold on,” Sam cut him off, “When we dragged your ass back from the Empty?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “Weren’t you listening when Chuck explained?”

Sam blushed, finding his lap more interesting than the conversation. He remembered when Chuck showed them the parchment. On it was a way to rip Cas’s grace out and put it back into his body. He’d still be connected to the Empty, until the second part purified his body of any connection with the entity. And because of that, the Empty still had Cas’s wings, but his soul belonged to humanity. That’s all Sam thought he needed to know. He tuned Chuck out in favor of going over the scroll himself; confident he would understand it better that way. It was illegible, and Sam was too embarrassed to ask Chuck to clarify.

“But,” Sam tried to save some of his dignity, “You two didn’t really change much. How was I supposed to know all of that was a… wedding ceremony?”

Dean smirked, knocking heads with Cas. “We’re too old to act like animals, ripping our clothes off wherever. Didn’t need to, anyway. Me and Cas were always close… so there wasn’t that big a change. Just more options to express what was already there.”

“Although it was me who stopped Dean from getting too frisky in public areas,” Cas sighed, “He didn’t care if you were to walk in on us.”

“Should’ve let him. I bet there wouldn’t have been any confusion if he saw us –“

“I don’t even want the mental image,” Sam said, face redder than before.

His misery garnered a healthy chuckle from his brother. Dean wiped a tear from his eye, “Oh man, Sammy. How could you not notice for a year? You’re the one who’s always harping on the details. Oh – oh – and you even told me the next time I watch porn to wear headphones? Sam, I haven’t had the need to watch porn for so long you heard me and Cas going at it!”

“Stop!” Sam cried, shoving his hands over his ears, “I’m going to murder you!”

“Please, Sam, not my husband. Only I’m allowed to kill him,” Cas said blandly. His eyes feigned boredom but there was a smirk curling across his face.

“I can’t have been the only one who didn’t know.”

“Know what?” Jack asked, stepping into the room; his frown at Sam’s posture immediately transformed into a smile when noticing Dean and Cas. “Hey! When did you two get back?”

Dean waved his question away, instead asking one of his own. “Jack, me and Cas? What are we?”

“…My dads?”

“No,” he sighed, flashing his hand at him. “What do these rings signify?”

“Oh! That you and Cas are married!”

Sam paled at the answer, Dean’s boastful grin leeching the color from him. “You knew?”

“Of course, Sam,” Jack said, “It was their one year anniversary.”

“This isn’t making any sense,” Sam muttered to himself, “Why didn’t I…”

“Mom was in tears for days, Sam. And you thought Claire was joking when she called me dad? Christ, Chuck gave me his blessing and officiated. Even Amara sent a gift, and it wasn’t dad rising from the grave.” He heard Dean swallow, and then a hand on his shoulder. Sam looked up into his brother’s eyes, any and all mirth gone. “You, uh… you’re okay that me and Cas… that we’re…”

Sam bit back a curse, hating himself for how he was acting. “Of course, Dean. It was… I was shocked is all. I mean… one whole year? And I didn’t even know, didn’t congratulate either of you…”

“I thought you did, for what it’s worth,” Dean said, “‘You look happy, Dean. How does it feel to have a no-strings attached win?’” Those were the exact words Sam said to him after the Empty’s tentacles slithered away. A tear hangs precariously from the corner of Sam’s eyes.

“I meant it,” Sam nodded, “Especially now that I know you and Cas are married. Are in love.” The words sat right on Sam’s tongue. Thinking back, he wasn’t sure how he kept the blindfolds on for so long. Love was the only explanation for the way Dean and Cas looked at each other. For how Cas always has a cup of coffee for Dean ready when he wakes up. For Dean buying books for Cas whenever they head out on hunts, the former angel’s collection already taking up one shelf in the Library. Sam swiped at his eyes, launching himself forward to crush Dean into a hug. “You deserve this, Dean.” Dean muttered something under breath, tugging Cas over with their still joined hands. He opens his vice-like grip long enough to crush the other man in, too. “So do you, Cas.”

“All right, all right,” Dean freed himself, fighting the sweet smile unfurling, “That was enough of a chick-flick moment for today.”

Cas nodded. “Dean is all chick-flicked out. We spent last night marathoning Bridget Jones after I lost the coin flip.”

“Cas,” Dean whined, “You’re my husband. You took a vow to always be on my side.”

“I made no such promise,” Cas chuckled, twining his arms around Dean’s neck, “All I committed to was loving you,” he pecked at Dean’s lips, “cherishing you,” again, “and honoring you,” and again, “until I take my last breath. Nowhere in there did I ‘vow’ to never make fun of you.”

“You’re an ass.”

“Yes, but I’m your ass.”

Sam and Jack exchanged amused glances. “All right,” Sam cut them off before they bickered some more, “We get it. You’re together. You don’t have to prove it anymore.”

“This?” Dean asked, “This ain’t proof. You want proof you can watch us have sex.”

Sam frowned, scrunching his nose up in disgust. “Yuck. I told you Dean, I didn’t want the image of you sticking it to Cas.”

Dean stepped backwards, mouth nearly cracking in half by how wide his grin is. “Other way around, moose brains.” He winked, delighting in the stuttered outrage from his brother.

“Really?!?”

“Of course, Sam,” Cas said, Dean already disappearing down the hallway, “How do you think I knew it wasn’t the real Dean?” The pointed stare brought the flush back onto his cheeks. Cas blipped out of sight after that, his and Dean’s laughter both mocking and comforting.

Sam shook his head, the smile still in place on his face. “You two… made for each other.” He enjoyed his alone time, but always made time for his family. He always will. Things may change, can end or begin anew, but family will be eternal.

#Supernatural #Spn #supernatural fanfiction #Spn fanfic #Sam Winchester #Jack Kline #Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #deancas #destiel fanfiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fanfiction #spnfamily

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optimisticcritique · 7 years ago

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Gotham 4x17 - Review

The season is getting close to the end, things are about to get crazy(er). Let’s see what crazy stuff happens this week. Tagging characters that I mainly focus on in the review. Sorry if it is kind of long.

Getting right into the action! Go get him Bruce!

How did Jerome have time to get dressed, meet back up with Scarecrow, release Tetch, and send Tetch to hypnotize the guy before Bruce got there? He wasn’t that far behind Jerome. No GPS? Was he stuck in traffic? Maybe Tetch hypnotized his way through the traffic to get there first. I mean, that’s what I would do if I could hypnotize people.

Xander…yeah, seeing spoilers, I predict this is Jerome’s twin brother, right? This is the one time I wish I hadn’t seen spoilers, no big reveal.

Oh boy, he has a bomb. Duck and cover!

See, now Jim and Harvey aren’t that far behind Bruce. Did they take the short cut?

Bruce trying to help the guy. I love it but I don’t know if it’ll work.

Question: Why did Tetch hypnotize the guy to trigger the bomb by a clock? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have him press it on like a key phrase (like “if someone asks you about Jerome/Xander, press it”) so that Bruce couldn’t have time to jump away? Or was killing Bruce (or anyone else) not the intention?

Shooting the clock! Quick thinking. Learning tricks from being a Tetch survivor.

Aaand he has a watch. Of course he does. Well, at least you tried.

Wait, it’s the dinner already? That happened fast. How did Jerome get them all together? How did he contact Oswald and Oswald just agreed? Did it take some time or was he reluctant at first? Were they all agreeable at first? Did he threaten them? Bribe them with free food?

This is the villain dinner I always wished for…if you had told me we would have all these villains together in one place seasons ago, I would have been floored. I probably would have freaked out, running down the street while yelling “Yessss! Bring me all the villains! A few years can’t come fast enough!!!!” as all the neighborhoods stare at me.

I love villains interacting. I also love seeing characters that have been previously introduced, having scenes with one another that they have never shared scenes with before. It’s the individual character build up and mixture of personalities.

The only thing missing from this wonderful dinner is Ed :( I guess The Riddler isn’t considered “freak” enough for them…

“Put all questions on ice until the end” Awe the ice puns. Well great, now I want to know what Victor’s question was going to be. I do love how he just raises his hand, like he’s in school and trying not to interrupt the teacher.

“Mr. Oswald” lol well, that’s an interesting choice. I would have thought he would call Oswald by his Penguin name. Really gives me Ed flashbacks to “Mr. Penguin”, which is fun.

Oh Oswald looks just…I have no words. What a fashion icon. I love his fur coat and hair. Real perfection. Fish would be so proud! One of these days, I really want to see him doing his hair in an actual scene, instead of being off screen. I’m curious how long he spends on it.

This is Sofia’s old place that Oswald took over XD Wait, Oswald hosted? Option A: Jerome barged into the house and just told Oswald that they are having it there or Option B: Oswald wants to seem supportive, just so he can be involved and know what is coming for his city. Me: Probably both.

“Anything for a friend” pfft uh huh. I bet. He is probably planning a back stab or just waiting for Jerome to fail.

Got to say, I wasn’t sure about the new scarecrow actor but he’s pretty good. His facial expressions are dead on.

Yeah, Oz doesn’t seem very keen on these plans. His facial reactions say it all.

He’s probably thinking either “What I have I gotten myself into” or “I should have made more food”

Alfred!!! Where have you been? Been partying? Taking a spa day for a couple of episodes?

Jim, no! Let Bruce do his thing! Sure, he could potentially die horribly but be reasonable here…

Yeah, Bruce will not take no for an answer. Will Jim change his mind or will Bruce take on a mask again?

“Maybe he wants him to build him something” You can’t fool us! We all know what he is really after!

Yeah, that woman is probably regretting not calling in sick to work today.

Jerome trying to whistle… it wouldn’t surprise me if that is the only thing he hates about his new stitched up face. Who cares that his face is different…he can’t whistle anymore!!!

“Don’t bother going to security! They are all…headless” Wait, you have a gun. You could shoot them in the heads but not cut off their heads. How are they headless?

“Drop the gun!” “Oh you are such a stick in mud” Would you have preferred a western style shoot out or for him to just be like “Oh hey Jerome. Go on ahead and do what you do with the gun. Have fun” as he casually walks past you?

Xander knowing Bruce’s father…hmm…

“What time is it?!” Tool-no-Mail-no-Extra time!!! “Riddle time!!!” …that was my next guess.

Wow, everyone is so loving this. I guess this has been going on for quite awhile.

Speaking of which, what did happen between that pier scene and now? Did Oswald and Ed become friends again? Make a deal? Just go their own ways? I feel like there is something missing here.

Oh, you know Ed is just loving this. This reminds me of that episode back in season one (1x09?), where he is listening to a game show on the radio and answering the questions as he is working. You know that was one of his inspirations for this!

Bet you that brief case has no money even in it. The Riddler is just that cocky.

“The street demons!” Lol the way that he says that! I just love it when he does voices or accents. Pulling out all the stops to make things extra.

The Riddler totally doesn’t even seem like he cares about what is going on in this guy’s life.

How happy he gets when he hears “Riddler”. Not many people have called him that in the show yet, have they?

“I’ve fallen on hard times but happy to be here with you Riddler” I relate to this on a spiritual level. Ed making my week better <3

Ooh this Lila has the best get up. Please tell me Ed made it himself.

Lars, you are over thinking! Don’t ever over think it!

I would half expect the crowd to give out answers but you just know they want to see people getting tortured.

“Rabid sack of rats” Awe man, I was hoping for the barracuda stapled to the forehead….you know, for curiosity purposes…

“Enough!” Nooooo! Never! Don’t ruin this Lee!

I actually saw an interview right before this episode, with Cory saying the episode will end “hot” and “romantic”. It won’t surprise me if Lee/Ed kiss by the end of this.

Wow Lee, you look stunning. Love the new hair. Also love Ed’s too.

What’s up with the new hair styles lately though? First we mourn see Jervis and Harvey getting their longer hair cut. Now we see Ed and Lee both have hair cuts, with Oswald serving up a new hairstyle. Did we miss a national “change your hair day” in Gotham or something? Or did one person do it and the rest got jealous so they changed their hair too? Or did the actors all decide to get new hair styles at the same time?

“We put Oswald on ice” you make it sound like you both attempted to kill him or something. The vagueness.

So I guess Ed knows about Sofia. Is he impressed with her doing that or not so because she didn’t finish the job?

“Whatever the hell this is, it’s over” “I don’t think so” I’m just waiting for this to be turned into a reaction gif. Like, people upset about something to Gotham writers and Gotham writers going “I don’t think so” or vice versa.

“And my name…is The Riddler” Awe so we are on this again. So, he still isn’t whole. Funny how he is still saying this to people a season later. Also, Oswald called him Ed…but maybe it is because he called him The Riddler first? Or “because we have history” thing? …Even though he and Lee technically have history too, with working together at the GCPD.

*challenges Ed* First: Lee that is bold and I am impressed with you. Second: Noooo! I knew this was going to happen but I didn’t want it to happen so quickly. We only got to see him have one contestant, who we didn’t even see get tortured. Let Ed/Cory have more fun! Let us have our showman Riddler!

Who is this woman? Just a random character that’ll die this episode or the next?

Umm are you implying Jerome is a dog? ;) Also, isn’t that cage a little bit small to fit Jerome in? I just picture her trying to push and squeeze him into that cage, just barely closing it.

Oswald and Butch reunited again! I kind of missed their…complicated relationship to be honest. They also have a long history, probably knowing each other as long as Oswald knew Fish so I can only imagine what Oswald will think of this new Butch.

Oswald’s eyes when he sees Butch. Yeah, totally unprepared for that.

“I will be honest, I like it…” It’s like when a friend pretends to like your bad hair cut, even when they know it looks bad.

“Just came from brunch with Jerome Valeska…” Oh yeah, that’s a great way to start this. He says it so casually, like it was just an everyday civil affair with food and great conversation. Bet he thought he would never utter those words though XD

“Seemed to involve a great deal of paint” lol that was totally not the point of that, you forgot to mention the mass crazy Ozzie.

Oswald wearing green gloves with that outfit.

“You must be all out of allies” “Don’t be modest” Yeah, he still has Ed as an ally so he isn’t COMPLETELY out of allies. He has…one….

Again, what happened with Ed and why Butch? Option A: He asked Ed, Ed refused, saying he wanted to do his own thing. Option B: He started to ask Ed, Ed talked about a Riddle factory and he immediately went “yeah, nope. Never mind” Option C: He knows Jerome will want someone who is a “freak” to add to the group. Oswald also wants someone strong (let’s face it, Ed is not) and not easily killed. Butch fits that mark, not Ed. He doesn’t want Ed to get involved with this mess either. Which I think is the most likely. Option Q: Forgetting own writing.

Oh, you just totally made him angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry! …Wait, totally wrong universe and different comics.

Okay, I know you look bad now Butch. But look at the bright side, you’re strong, you’re practically immortal, and-with a good hair dye and spray tan-you could look fairly the same. Think positively!

*pushes Oswald on the floor* Nooo! Don’t ruin the majestic hair and coat! They must be protected at all costs!

I don’t know why but, even though I already love Oswald, this episode has made me love him a million times more… *stares at his hair and coat* Not sure why…

“like a flower” well, that choice of words is threatening but also not.

Oh sure, you only want them involved when you want something. It’s a two way street, Jim. Now you have to let him risk his life and you can’t say a thing.

“I love you” In your own twisted way, I bet.

*does a heart with his hands* Jerome fans: Awe that’s what we do when we see you on screen… :’D

He’s freely letting Harvey and Jim in? No booby traps? It kind of looks like a place that would have traps like that.

Ecco! In the same episode as the riddle factory…Some say this woman would be Harley Quinn because she is devoted to this guy…I kind of doubt it. There is also an Echo who worked with the Riddler (although I think Query was the blonde, not like it matters) The name is spelled wrong so she is most likely a throw away character but…why Ecco? Why use a similar name to tease fans?! Why?!

“Oh my god, there’s two of them!” Oh Harvey…seriously, this is a Cameron/Jerome fan’s dream right there. Not one but two? Alittle over a season ago one didn’t exist and the other was “dead”.

“Please don’t touch that! That is very sensitive equipment” Yeah, sure looks sensitive to me. Especially the couple of buttons that turns it on.

Jerome doing yoga because why not?

Him waving right when Jim sees… o_o It’s like he knew…

How much you want to bet that someone followed Jerome? If Firefly followed to the office, you can bet he didn’t go see Ecco on his own. It’s the only way I can see him getting out of there.

“She thinks stapling a live barracuda to someone’s head isn’t damn good entertainment” The nerve! Wait…did he just say “damn good”? Has he ever said that word before? :O But your fake swearing was so pure, what has the world done to you?!

I think it is interesting that he only puts his hat on when he speaks a riddle.

I’m not going to even attempt these riddles. I suck at logic.

Scenes like this make me wonder if we will ever get a “whole” Ed or just get this Riddler from now on.

Wow. Who knew the Riddler was so upset about all this?

Lee’s face…yup, she got what she wanted. Smart cookie right there.

The Riddler totally played himself.

Haha! Called it! Knew he would be followed. Don’t underestimate him.

“If I knew this thing was a 100 acres, I would have stopped and had a sandwich before we came” Harvey, you are so relatable. I don’t blame you. My ship of Harvey + food continues to sail. The ship I can always count on <3

“The End” Wait, is the episode over? Is this where the story ends?

Wow, the acting right here is so good. I keep forgetting both Jerome and Jeremiah are both Cameron.

“His bearded sidekick” Hey! He has a name and thy name is Harvey!

“Born bad” that’s lousy reasoning.

Ooh so he lied? Well, this intrigues me. I am so skeptical of this guy. I just know there is more to him than meets the eye. I don’t believe this facade!

“You killed our mother” “She did deserve it though” Lol no care whatsoever. Again with the lousy reasoning.

“Listen to what I have to say” “Oh hell no! You are not hypnotizing me again!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!” *Jervis and Jonathan run for their dear lives as Harvey charges towards them* ….LOL Oh my god. Harvey, you are a blessing to this world. Most iconic moment. He is so done with Jervis. The way he just let out a war cry, causing the duo to flee is just…it’s beautiful. I’m dying. I will never be over this. Favorite part of the episode. Batman should take notes.

Jim being like “Welp, okay then” as he follows Harvey.

Just imagine Harvey chasing them all around the maze, with the video sped up and silly music playing. Or slowed down with suspenseful music playing.

“Must go! Must go! They’re after me and the Scarecrow!” Oh my god I love this so much. I am going to put this on a loop forever.

I love how Jonathan doesn’t even try spraying or anything. He just follows Jervis wherever he goes. I am loving this duo.

Jerome watching them run off like “whatever”.

*can still hear Harvey screaming* Me: *is dead*

*kisses Jeremiah’s head as he flees* Awe brother love…nothing like wanting your sibling dead and in misery one minute and kissing him in the next.

Whoa. That disappearance happened fast. Did he find a prototype invisible jet or something? Or did Jervis just have the car right outside the door, Jerome leapt in, and they drove away as fast as possible? Scratch that, they are totally hiding on the side of that building, shushing and tip toeing away.

The Riddler being all cocky and smug. Yeah, you probably won’t be feeling this way in a few minutes…

Hey, even I know this riddle! Oh, I see what you are doing there Lee.

It’s simple Ed. Just look at the audience as you say “I love you”. There you go!

Wow, he is pushing Ed back so much that he risks losing in front of an entire crowd.

Lee outsmarting him, good on Lee but sucks for the riddle factory :( I feel robbed.

A little bit late but I’d like to imagine Ed making all of these props himself. Cutting out a giant wheel, painting it, sticking two giant beakers together…

Wait, Oswald knows how to reverse it? Will it actually work though? I kind of feel like it would be a bummer to get rid of Grundy after all this…

Hugo Strange! Of course it’s Hugo. If it is monster related, it’s always Hugo lol

Yay! Oswald and Butch team up once more!

Poor Ed losing his riddle factory. A loss for us all :’(

“they didn’t come here because they love you, Ed” Wow, that’s harsh.

“Because I know what you really want…” Validation? Wait, no… Lee: *pulls out the glitter suit from thin air* The Riddler: :’D You found it! I thought I lost it!

Knife to the neck! Always going for the neck.

Oh, they are totally going to go on a robbing spree. Does Lee really need the money? Or is this also a way to appeal to The Riddler to get him back on her side?

….

I am reserving any specific opinion/judgement on this situation until I see more of it. But I definitely see some manipulation at play here. The question is, is it just one or both manipulating? I am actually a bit surprised Lee would play this card.

Oh, I can just imagine reactions from others. Jim, Harvey, Oswald, Butch, Barbara…they all have a decent history with both of them.

The music is the same music that played when Ed killed Kristen. Hmm…This does not bode well. It never does for Ed and anyone he is involved with.

“I don’t know. I thought it already was” Oh, you have no idea how mad this city can get Harvey…you don’t even technically have the Joker yet.

No! Not Carl! We hardly knew thee. Justice for Carl!!!

*Jerome punches Grundy’s shoulder, shakes hand* Parallel to when Ed high fived him and did the same thing. Probably like hitting a brick wall.

Joker toxin!!!

The Jervis reaction XD Like, he knew the plan right? He looks so shocked.

Everyone’s reactions emoticon style: Jervis: 😮Jonathan: 😬 Jerome: 😆 Bridgit: 🙂 Victor: 😏 Butch: 😕Oswald: 🐧

Oh god that looks painful. Looks like the “fun” is about to begin.

Man, if Jerome does end up dying, I won’t know how to feel. Jeremiah intrigues me and I think he will eventually grow on me but...he doesn’t have the same history that Jerome has with the characters. Why even have the twin twist? ...I guess I’ll just have to wait to see how it all plays out before deciding what I think. I will say, at least Cameron will still be playing him so it isn’t gypping him from the role.

Over all: Good episode. I felt like some of it was a bit fast paced. I was a bit surprised by how quickly the dinner began, Jerome got his info, the riddle factory ended…that being said, some good villain interaction and Harvey being amazing. The legion of horribles succeed in finding Jerome’s twin brother Jeremiah, the GCPD to put Jeremiah in protective custody, the Joker toxin has been created, Ed/Lee kiss while deciding to go rob banks, and Oswald recruits Butch in promising he could reverse his condition by finding Hugo Strange.

Previous Review: 4x16 Next: 4x18

#gotham #oswald cobblepot #edward nygma #jerome valeska #gotham 4x17 #harvey bullock #optimisticcritque gotham review

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bambyeol · 7 years ago

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Downpour (Part 2)

pairing/s: park jihoon x oc, (ft. park woojin) genre: angst, drama, hanahaki disease

Hanahaki Disease: the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one sided love. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim’s romantic feelings for the other also disappear.

PART 1 // PART 3 // PART 4

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She saw him sitting, eyes baring a hole into the computer screen, his hands repeatedly massaging his knees, and the other hand impatiently tapping on the table.

“Don’t let me down on this. Don’t crash. Don’t crash. Don’t crash. Shit,” as he facepalmed and massaged his forehead.

“What happened?” Riseul peeked by the doorway wearing an outrageously pink sweater and over-sized pajamas.

“Just my extra credits for the class saying goodbye. I’ll try again later,” Jihoon stood up limping.

“Still hurts?” she asked concerned while looking at his knees. “Just a bit when it rains. Anyway, let’s go grab some coffee? You okay?” she felt his dismissal of the subject as he passed by and patted her head. She frowned, but dismissed it too. It wasn’t her hobby to rub salt in wounds, so she wouldn’t delve into that sensitive issue.

It was past 2 in the morning, and Jinyoung went to sleep after he managed to clear the boss round . She held the cup of coffee and looked down completely feeling Jihoon’s stare. “Stop looking at me like that,”

She knew Jihoon raised his eyebrows. “Like?”

“Like you’re forming a hundred theories about why we broke up? Or like that smug look as if you’d expected this would happen.”

“Isn’t it for the better?” calm and composed.

“Stop that!” Riseul looked straight to his eyes, and that’s when she realized that she fell to Jihoon’s trap because he was wearing a smirk as he was sipping the coffee. “I hate you,”

“I love you too,” his eyes crinkling, and Riseul wanted to slap herself because how could Jihoon look so attractive that she was forgetting about the break-up again. “You’re finally looking at me. Woojin loves you. Trust me,”

“I know that,”

“Then? You’d just get back together sooner or later. He’s a petty guy. He’s just sulking that you’re meeting less and less because you’re both busy,”

“That’s not the issue,” she looked down again slightly ashamed because she knew she was at fault.

“Why are you so hung up about the past?”

She wasn’t . Right?

“You couldn’t have changed it either way. Or do you want to now?”

She wanted to. Of course. She wanted a road that was the best for the three of them.

“Are you in love with him?”

God, she hated that god damned flower disease.

“You’ve been looking like you’ve wanted to murder me for a while now, Riseul,”

“I just hate flowers, and you’re wearing them. I’m feeling a little bit more bitter. You’re very distracting,”

“I’m glad to be distracting. You don’t know how panicked I was when I received your cryptic message without any clue as to where you were in this weather. And someone decided to just not answer the calls, and then I see you there in the bus stop like you were half-dead with your eyes bloodshot. I wouldn’t know what to do if you cried like that again,” Jihoon ranted, and she just mumbled a sorry.

“You need to sleep soon,” Jihoon glanced at the clock. “Sleep on my bed,”

Yes. Of course, she needed Jihoon’s scent to throw her off more. How perfect.

“No, I’ll sleep on the couch instead,”

“It’s okay. I’ll stay up since I’m rendering the film. A comfy bed keeps bad dreams away you know. Don’t be sad, Riseul,” and she lost the will to argue because Jihoon makes a convincing speaker and she was tired so she crept to his bed hoping for the bad dreams to go away.

But Park Jihoon was a liar.

Because his bed wasn’t able to keep bad dreams away that she dreamed of that night.

She swore she woke the whole apartment with her scream and wailing. Jihoon thought it was the break-up. Riseul didn’t have the courage to tell him it was because of him.

She was so hung-up about the past.

Woojin was right.

“Ri noona? Are you ok?” Daewhi asked her after practice. She looked up, vision blurring and whirling for a bit until it returned to normal.

“Yeah. I’m fine. A little exhausted is all,”

“Let’s reschedule instead? You should rest instead of going with me,” his voice laced with concern and eyebrows knit together. Daewhi was the youngest in their department, but his talent was overwhelming for an 18 year old.

She liked hanging out with Daewhi because it felt like she had a younger brother even if he was taller than her, and was prettier than her if he decided to dress up as a girl.

“It will just get worse if I rest. You know me. I need to always do something and keep my mind off things,” Daewhi nodded knowingly though he was still concerned.

“Let me just change my clothes and then let’s go eat,”

“Ri noona?” Daewhi asked hesitantly. They were by the local coffee shop enjoying the few day-offs they have. Slowly, they were nearing their debut. “Uhm about hyung,”

She knew Daewhi would ask about them though she forgot about it because she had been busy trying to get herself busy to keep her mind off things.

“How is Woojin?” resting her hands on the table, her eyes a little glazed. She missed Woojin.

“Truthfully? Not good, noona. He’s been so out of it. He was even scolded by our dancing coach. I mean.. hyung being scolded in dancing?”

She frowned, and hated herself more. She didn’t know what to do. She wanted to talk to Woojin, but their schedules always didn’t match, or Woojin was deliberately avoiding her.

Not that Riseul wanted to meet him because there was this uneasy feeling inside her that she wanted to disregard no matter what.

“Riseul?” a voice came from the distance. She looked around and saw Jihoon with Jinyoung.

“Jihoon? Why are you here?”

“Oh ! Jinyoung!” Daewhi interrupted when his eyes met Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung bowed and smiled , and sat beside Daewhi just as Jihoon sat beside Riseul.

“Oh, you know each other?” Daewhi nodded.

“We met each other last year. I watched a singing competition and he was there,”

“Oh the same competition you won a year ago? I remember they asked you to sing awhile back. Did you win Jinyoung?”

“No, unfortunately,”

“But you were so good !” Daewhi praised and Jinyoung blushed from embarrassment. “I forgot to ask you back then but I guess I should ask for your number now,”

Riseul giggled and sent Daewhi a knowing look as the two exchanged numbers. Jihoon arrived holding four coffees in hand, and gave each of them one.

“Oh, you didn’t need to,”

“Rental fee since we interrupted the two of you,” and he winked. Riseul’s chest tightened. “Also, since I met with Woojin just before I saw you. Kind of peace offering?”

“We’re all friends. You don’t need to give me some peace offering. I’ll take it as a rental fee for our table though,” and she stuck her tongue out and handed the coffee to Jinyoung and Daewhi. She introduced Jihoon to Daewhi and explained their friendship because Daewhi was sending her a look as if she had been caught of her lie already.

Jinyoung excused himself first because he needed to get back to his own training, and Daewhi soon followed.

“Noona, rest well, and see you tomorrow. It was nice meeting you, hyung,” he bowed and left.

“You’re sick?” Jihoon immediately reached for her forehead and she started coughing. Her throat felt drier and itchier. “Seriously, the two of you ! Working so much until you can’t take it,”

“Woojin’s sick?”

“You bet he is. Burning with fever because that guy decided to just practice his butt out. Seriously, don’t make me so concerned,” her throat tightened up again like there was a rope wrapping her neck. She reached for her neck as if she was trying to untangle herself from the nonexistent rope.

“I see,” she frowned, and Jihoon took notice of it. He always does. “Why won’t the two of you say what’s wrong? It’s freaking me out. Have you seriously broken up?”

The sun was almost setting, and it cast a shadow veiling Riseul’s face. She was thankful for it because Jihoon was quick at picking up things. Sooner or later, he will realize it was because of him and the fragile relationship between the three of them would just become more complicated.

“We’re just.. We can’t come in terms of the future, you know?” not a lie. “Sooner or later we would still break up because we’d be banned from dating as idols,” white lie. “We’re just. We fought about what would happen from there. From here on,” total lie.

Jihoon nodded believing and she felt like she stabbed her heart. He stood and outstretched his hand, covering the setting sun that is now veiling his face.

“I’ll send you home,”

Riseul felt that something crept from her chest.

//flashback//

Out of breath, she rushed towards Jihoon’s mother who was crying. There was Woojin who smiled sadly and reached out to her as tears couldn’t stop falling from her eyes.

Jihoon was hit by a car. Jihoon was dying. Jihoon was..

Her breath hitched, and she sobbed as Woojin consoled her. She kept hearing that it will be okay from Woojin, but it didn’t work. It couldn’t keep all the thoughts away, and honestly it wasn’t the best example because it just created more tension for Jihoon’s mother.

Soon, a doctor approached them and informed them.

“Are you aware that he has the Hanahaki disease?” Riseul’s head turned swiftly with her eyes widened. Jihoon has the Hanahaki? She looked at his mother who nodded expectantly, and to Woojin who calmly stood there like it wasn’t foreign news.

Everything blanked out. Who was Jihoon in love with? She heard stories about the Hanahaki. It was the fatal disease that struck many people every year because of one-sided love. She liked to call it the “heartbreak disease” as a joke. Now, it’s breaking her heart.

“He lost consciousness while he was waiting to cross the street due to the complications of the disease and because of that, he was hit by a car. It’s endangering his life because it’s blocking the air apart from the fact that his ribs were broken from the crash, but we need to get your consent first to undergo with the surgery.” The doctor explained calmly.

Jihoon’s mother shook her head. “My son wouldn’t like that. Is there no other way? The doctor told us the flowers weren’t that dangerous yet. They told us he still had time!”

“That would have been the case if he wasn’t hit critically, but I’m afraid that if we postpone the operation then he would die,”

Woojin interlaced his hands on Riseul’s and she clenched it tightly. She looked at Woojin who smiled at her sadly. There was a certain foreboding inside.

As the doctor left, Woojin let go of Riseul’s hands and pushed her as Jihoon’s mother approached.

“Ri? May I talk with you?” Somehow she just knew what was to be said.

Riseul woke up with an intense cough. It has been three days since she last met with Jihoon. She collapsed from practice the day after, and was ordered to rest until the end of the week. She was grateful, but at the same time she hated resting. It made her feel worse. More anxious. And the past was slowly catching up. As much as she wanted to get better, her body wasn’t cooperating. She didn’t have any appetite, but she needed to take the medicine. Honestly, she didn’t know what was wrong, but she wrote it off as bad case of flu. It was just the weather, the exhaustion and the stress.

She wanted to believe that even if there was a tiny voice inside telling her of something else.

She looked at herself by the mirror and everything was a mess. Her hair was all frizzly from lying in bed. She lost weight, and she was pale. She looked dying. Jihoon would panic. Her throat hitched, and it felt blocked and there was a taste she couldn’t understand. It didn’t taste like bile, but it was burning. Quickly, she drank water.

It was just over-exhaustion.

Just that.

New message received. Her phone screen lightened. She unlocked her phone and read the text.

There were a bunch of texts that were from her colleagues, the most recent one was from Woojin. They’d finally caved in after avoiding any form of contact for the past weeks.

“You ok now?” she smiled, but was interrupted by the coughing. Her head ached, so she crawled back to her bed again. Looking at the screen, it was already 3 p.m. The picture of Woojin and her was still there. She didn’t want to remove it actually . Because she loves Woojin.

Then why don’t you meet him? The small voice inside her head asked. She swept it under the rug.

“Coming over?” she typed, but erased. “took the medicine already. be back soon,” sent.

The doorbell rang, and she sluggishly went to answer the door, and there stood Jihoon outside. Her chest hurt like it was being compacted. She couldn’t breath and leaned on the door. The doorbell rang again, and she opened it this time.

“You look…” Jihoon greeted. “dying,” Riseul completed.

“Heartbreak disease?” Jihoon teased, and she flinched and horror filled her face. “Woojin wanted to come, but he was afraid that you’d shut the door on his face. He misses you, and you do too,”

So that’s what it was. Relief filled her face.

Jihoon wouldn’t know about the heartbreak disease. It was her own term after all, and he forgot about either way.

“I’ll talk to him… soon,” she led him to the dining table, her head buzzing like it was being electrocuted. The heat spread on her whole head, and it felt like the whole world was slower.

“I’m not a guest, so just go, lie down and sleep,” but she felt rattled. All her sleepiness was gone, but she complied either way. She didn’t like the light in the dining room. It strained her eyes, so she crawled to the darkness of her room and tried to shut everything off.

“No classes?” she drabbled hoping Jihoon would hear.

“Skipped it. Too worried,” his shortened words fastened the beating of her heart. The bile rose further. She was starting to taste it better.

It tasted like plant.

“And Woojin begged me to. Said he’ll buy me that new game if I made sure you were alive,”

“Bitch ass,” rolling her eyes, and Jihoon’s laugh was a cheat. It felt like she was slowly but surely stepping further into the edge of the cliff.

After half an hour, Jihoon entered the room with a bowl of stew and mushed rice. She covered herself with the blanket shielding herself from the light that worsened the headache, but being the insensitive jerk Jihoon was, he uncovered the blanket. She wasn’t ready for his smile and gaze filled with genuine care.

It made her want to vomit.

“You okay?” and she nodded trying to contain everything within her mouth. She wasn’t sure if something would fall if she opened it.

Her mouth felt dry, and she was about to grab the bottled water before her hands brushed Jihoon’s fingers. She jolted back, but wobbled because of the nausea. Jihoon caught her, and their eyes locked. And it kicked in. She stood from the bed, and ran quickly to the bathroom not minding how her head was spinning. It didn’t matter. All she knew was that she should trust her instincts because all the alarms went off inside.

She slumped immediately to the toilet, and forcefully locked the door. From her mouth rushed tens of vibrant pastel purples that opened slightly, the petals shielding its dark center.

For a minute, she stared at the flowers floating on her toilet deluding herself that it didn’t come from her mouth.

A knock on the door shocked her and she shut the cover of the toilet. “Riseul?” she covered her mouth pushing back the flowers.

“I’m okay. Just dizzy was all,” she reassured.

She wanted to lock herself in there. Tears streamed down.

She was in love with Park Jihoon.

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years ago

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Life Story Part 67

It eventually came to pass that I got kicked out of my father's house for the first time that winter. It had almost happened and sort of happened a few times, but the kicking out was never official. It was winter and I was in my childhood bedroom – which was now my younger sister Allison's room. I liked to sit in her room in the early afternoon and read while she was in school. When she came home around three we were thrilled to see each other. Allison and David, but admittedly particularly Allison was becoming far more than just my younger sister. She was becoming my friend. And there were certain things about her and I that didn't need explanation. We grew up in the same environment. We were treated differently, and in some ways we both had very different personalities. She was far more outgoing and needy. I was more withdrawn and contemplative. But we shared the same quirks and whacky senses of humor. Allison had started watching a lot of anime and was making her own manga. She liked to talk about characters and who should date and the character's backstories. Having read a lot of books by this time from real literature, I felt like I had something to contribute to how to create a meaningful character. It blows my mind how much bad anime is out there. Half of it is borderline for perverts who want to see little girls with enormous breasts, and the other half seems made for little boys who like action. The most creative stuff out there seems to follow a formula. I started thinking about what could be done with anime if it actually followed and expressed real meaningful human experience based subject matter. I started getting more interested in perhaps trying again to create an anime story. I would take almost all of the story and dialogue inspiration not from other anime – as anime generally copies itself way too much, and instead I would take my ideas from classic literature. In any case, I digress.

I was sitting on the bed, and I just had finished reading The Last Temptation of Christ by Nikos Kazantzakis. My mind was blown. I was dazed in that universal feeling of having just finished reading a mind-bending book that altered reality for me a bit. It was kind of a trance. Downstairs, Allison had just gotten home from school. She was telling my father about how school was being unfair to her, how her best friends had been rude to her. Her grades weren't good. And my father was always really cold towards Allison talking about her day. He talked on and on and on about work and about his ideas about what was happening in the media or politically. But if she started talking about her friends he shut her down and told her she shouldn't even have friends – she should be doing her homework. He was getting sort of aggressive about it, and it reminded me of how he had treated me when I had been Allison's age. As I listened down the vent, I decided in this weird aloof state of mind to intervene. I wasn't going to say anything. I just felt like my presence down there might take the heat off Allison or help the situation in some way.

When I went down there, my father was in a rage. He was just on the brink of exploding on Allison. His fists were clenched. I didn't say anything. But when he saw me, all of his fury was aimed at me. I didn't even say anything – I just stared at him and he just flew into a rage at me, screaming at me that I was manipulative and turning everyone in the household against him and that I was a sociopath and I was ruining his life and every time I tried to say something he would shout SHUT THE FUCK UP! And walk towards me like he was going to hit me. I blew up at him, but my voice was lost because his voice was incredibly loud. Allison was in the corner crying. David had this confused look on his face of conflict. He was very morally torn by this. He knew my father was wrong for acting this way, but he wanted so much to believe his father was always right. And the anger sort of seeped into his thinking. David and my father both were then screaming at me. They were both screaming GET OUT!!! at me. Even when I said 'Fine! Let me get my shoes!' they kept screaming at me, and I could not find my shoes and my head was beginning to feel seeped in this chaotic craziness like I was about to die. So I just left the house. They screamed at me as I walked up the street.

I was barefoot without a coat and the streets were covered in ice and snow. I didn't know where to go. I reluctantly realized I would have to go to Sarah's mom's. I was still in shock. Like a part of me had no idea what had just happened. One second ago, I was contemplating one of the most profound pieces of literature I had ever read, and the next I was suddenly shoved into something insane and now I was wandering the streets without shoes. I managed to walk up the hill I the ice. My feet were burning and stinging in the snow. The sun was already beginning to go down. I got to Sarah's mom's porch. I tried to knock on the door, but the door was locked and there was nobody home. So I decided to wait. I curled up in a ball on the porch and sobbed for a little bit. Then my mind just got tired. I felt all these weird feelings – I was physically struggling with being cold and uncomfortable and nervous about being here to ask for some help. I was frustrated and upset with how my father had treated me. I was also sort of euphoric from the book. I felt like I had reached some kind of enlightening universal truth, but I didn't know how to put it into words.

Carol eventually came home and let me into the house. She just knew what had happened and I didn't end up telling her very much. For some reason it seemed equally as profound to me that I had just finished reading that book as it had been that my father had kicked me out. She made me some warm soup, gave me a pair of moccasins to wear that fit me. She let me sleep in the back room. It would only be for a few days until I could get someone to get me and bring me to Lewiston. I watched some programs on her show about Jim Jones and Jonestown. She showed me how to knit and she told me about the time that one of her hippie friends back in the early seventies introduced her to a strange cult leader in rural Idaho who only have about forty followers. She told me about how this weird guy had a strange way of drawing you into opening up to him, and how she had eventually left this place because it freaked her out.

I stayed there for about four days. The next day I came down with a terrible cold. While Carol was away, I went down into Sarah's old room and looked at old pictures of us from when he had been younger. I looked through our letters and in these pictures it was hard to believe I had had so many friends at one time. I felt sick with disappointment. I had expected life to take off when I got older. Instead, I felt trapped and alone and like I was molding in some way internally. I began to start believing that life would never start for me. It didn't matter if I studied life or grew to understand it through film and books and philosophy. I would never be apart of that life.

Carol and I probably had more personal conversations during me brief stay there at that time then we had ever had when I was younger. It was very nice of her to open her doors for me. And for me at least, she generally always has. When I left, she called Sarah and told her about my stay. She told Sarah that she was surprised at what an intelligent person I was. She told Sarah she believed I was smarter than herself and Sarah combined. I think she used some kind of archaic phrase like the two of them thrown into a barrel and rolled down a hill, or something of that nature.

Four days later, I managed to get a hold of my mom and she came and picked me up. I couldn't see myself going back to his house for awhile. My father gave me some kind of rudimentary apology eventually, and for convenience sake, I started coming back occasionally. Part of me was becoming kind of cold though. Naturally, I had felt like you should only do or say or accept things if it spoke true to you. But I was starting to get very realistic. I didn't even care if my father apologized anymore. Would it really matter if he did? It wasn't about what he did so much anymore, we had gone beyond that by now honestly. This was his core identity that I was up against. I couldn't change him. And in the mean time, if I wanted to have the most pleasant and hopeful life I could have, I would have to learn to not care about what he said or did towards me. I shut him off emotionally. This didn't mean that I hated him, or didn't love him or that he could never get to me. I just stopped taking him seriously as a person and when I was in situations with him I more or less balanced out what I could gain from the situation. I wasn't interested in untangling the mess of our relationship anymore. I had just gotten to this place where I was a survivor and if I was desensitized and if I was going to be considered sociopathic than I might as well look at my survival and my well being as the first matter of business. I would plan ahead for my father's blow ups and find ways to benefit from them if I could. If he yelled at me, I already had a game plan. And I set up game plans for Allison and David. I especially taught Allison to be kind of cold. I don't know if it is right that I raised Allison to be an opportunist. I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Perhaps this makes me some kind of broken monster, and in any case I don't really care.

Roxanne made arrangements with me later that winter for when she was going to give birth. She was going to be in the hospital for two-three days and she needed someone to hold down the house while her and Jeremy were at the hospital. I gladly agreed to stay at her place and do all the necessary stuff. I had a bunch of Buddhist reading material, and I wanted to start sketching portraits – so I could do that while I had my brief stay. They had dinners lined up and everything, and they cleaned their bedding and I was allowed to stay there. I was told by Roxanne that Jered, Jeremy's brother had refused to stay. Roxanne didn't really trust him. Jered had been caught prepping a six year old girl to sexually molest her – at least that was the rumor and she didn't want to tell Jeremy she believed that his brother was a horrible person, so she instead pressed for me to stay there instead. Jered was told to stay away.

For the record, I FUCKING hated/hate Jered. There are very few people I can barely stand for even a second and I hated this guy completely with every cell in my body. I would not mind watching him choke to death. Everything he did was whiny and rude and aggressive. He grossed me out. Unlike Jeremy he was stupid and couldn't even momentarily act nicely. He pretty much openly called me fat every time he saw me and sneered. He kept going to jail for beating up his mother. Everything that flew out of his face was atrocious. I was told he wasn't going to be there at the apartment at all – which was partially why I agreed to watch Roxanne's children to begin with. It was pretty easy. Roxanne's kids did their chores. I gave special attention to Hayley, who was adorably three at the time.

But then Jered showed up at the apartment anyway. I had the door locked and he began slamming on the door. I opened it up and he pushed me aside and walked on in. He started criticizing how much it smelled in here. He was looking at me as he did it. He then began ordering the kids around and telling them that I wasn't in control anymore, he was. He started eating all the food there and smoking Jeremy's weed on the couch. I wanted him gone. But in order to do that I would have to have an altercation with him. In a way, I felt like he was intentionally trying to provoke that exact response. He hated me about as badly as I hated him and I think he wanted to take a punch at my face. I decided to just go in the bedroom and read. I tried once to start dinner, but he took the corn dogs out of the oven and threw them away, saying it wasn't real food. Then he started cooking something he had bought and complaining that he was going to have to share it with the kids since I was a piece of shit. I could hear him in the other room saying I was a good for nothing cunt and so on. I resigned myself to feeling pretty trapped. I went into the bedroom to read.

I woke up in the middle of the night with him lurking around my bedroom. I pretended to stay asleep. Best case scenario he was in there to look for something he left and leave. I had my fists balled though and I was planning in the event that he came in there to do something really messed up to me. He was rummaging around in his brother Jeremy's closet, stealing Jeremy's clothes. It was a trashy thing to do but not something I felt incensed enough about to stop. I strongly disliked Jeremy too, and whatever Jered was doing with Jeremy's clothes was not my problem. However, he started getting undressed. I peaked for a moment to see what was going on, and he was naked walking around the room. It was so massively creepy and inappropriate. I shut my eyes, and eventually he left.

When Roxanne got back from having her baby daughter, Meliah, Jered told Roxanne and Jeremy that he caught me trying to steal, that I refused to cook dinner or enforce any rules and that I made the house a huge mess that he had had to clean up himself. Roxanne sided with me, and Jeremy sided with Jered and I guess they had a major fight over it. In the end, I just decided I would never attempt to help them again in that kind of situation, which never came up anyway. As for Jared, I still hate him. I don't know where he is or what he is up to but he can seriously go fuck himself. You know those really gritty movies about crime and how people live? And how there is always some phony ass piece of crap that is trying to pretend he is Al Capone and Tupac at the same time even though he is a pathetic worthless chomo that would beat the crap out of his own grandma, and he abuses women and is a gross cheap shot and throughout the entire movie you simply cannot wait for someone to take him out in a really brutal way, even if it's from someone over his head who is far more cold and dangerous? That's Jered and I would not mind watching that scene only in real life. That's how much I hate that guy.

Speaking of crime. I mentioned a few chapters ago that my father had gotten involved in something terribly illegal and shady and I had helped him out considerably without fully understanding what it was I was involved in. All I am admitting is that it didn't have anything to do with human trafficking or sex work and nobody died. It was highly illegal, but was not a major operation of any kind. Treading carefully on this matter, it's time to bring this back into the light. It all started, for me late in February on a cold night. I believe it was a Sunday. I was in Allison's and my bedroom (we shared a room for these years). I was feeling funny. You know that feeling you get when you suddenly suspect you might have the stomach flu, even though you aren't nauseous yet, nor does your stomach hurt? Well, I had just got that sense that I might be sick – but it was going to be several hours until I finally puked. I was just sitting on my bed, resigning myself to my fate, when I heard my father's footsteps coming up the steps. Something about them didn't seem normal. His footsteps were choppy and rushed. He would stop and then he would shuffle up some more. As he got nearer to the top of the stairs, I noticed that his breathing was heavy. I wondered for a second if someone had died. I also wondered if he was having a heart attack. I heard him in the upstairs hallway, where his footsteps were no less irregular.

He eventually knocked on my door. He was having a panic attack. His eyes were dilated in a way I had never seen before. He didn't even seem like he was himself. I was sort of shocked as I just sat there wondering what was wrong, and at the same time, not wanting to know what it could possibly be. In a husky choking voice, he said something along the lines of 'Renee... I fucked up and I might be going to prison'. I just looked at him in shock. He then proceeded to tell me that what we had done had been highly illegal and it had gotten sourced back to him somehow, and now there were two or three police cars outside our house monitoring us. He fully expected that they would take our entire family in for interrogation in the morning. I just sat there in shock. He was sobbing by this point. He said everything in a near whisper. I guess he had this fear they were listening in to our house with some kind of spy equipment.

I felt sick to my stomach. I sort of had to see this to believe it. Up to that point, I had honestly not known that we had done anything wrong. I didn't think I could physically handle having the police come in and tear the house apart and arrest my father. I didn't know how to feel. I decided to go outside and investigate. I had to know for certain that this was accurate, that our house really was being cased. My stomach was a cauldron of gurgling sickness by this point, but I had to know before I became too nauseated to leave the house. I went up to the top of the cold hill that I really didn't want to . Only a little bit down the street, there was a police officer, sitting in his car. He was angled in a place where he would be able to see what went on in our house. And occasionally, another officer would drive by our house from the other road. I sourly and nervously walked back down to the house, and I confirmed with him that yes. There were two police cars watching us.

I threw up all that night and well into the morning. I was so ridiculously sick. Being stressed that in the morning the shit was going to hit the fan on top of having a very strong stomach flu – this was one of the worst nights of my entire life. Eventually the police car drove away. A SWAT team didn't bust down our door that morning. When Allison and David woke up in the morning, my father took them to the cafe on main street and told them that they might get interrogated while they were at school, and he told them what they should and shouldn't say.

Honestly, I wasn't worried about my involvement in the situation. My life in some ways was bad enough and uneventful enough that even going to jail or prison would have at least meant something. At least I could read still. All the same, it pretty much took over my thoughts entirely. My father had truly fucked up. We hadn't even made that much money on this thing. It seemed mighty stupid that he wanted to judge me for wanting to study philosophy or to be a painter or a writer when his big claim to fame for success was this mess we were in. And in a panic, he had actually made things a whole lot worse. He had taken the evidence of what we had done, which was still at the house and he had spread it all over outside, some of it near the road. He had done this in a fit of panic. The next day and the few weeks that followed, he knew he was going to prison. He talked about how he was going to blow his brains out as soon as the police entered our home. The cops circled our house, but I came to understand them. You could feel their egos in their vehicles somehow. It became clear to me later on that they didn't have enough evidence to conclusively get a warrant or arrest anyone. I did a whole lot of research on what our rights were.

Two things came to our benefit. The first on was, these cops were lazy. Had they done any actual investigating they would have figured out what was up. It should not be accurately stated that some silly nineteen year old girl without any criminal background whatsoever who is afraid of J walking should be able to outsmart the police. But I did. I was in several situations over the next several months where I took care of things that were incriminating while they were driving past me and while they were parked across the street from me. They wanted things to be predictable and easy. I realized that a lot of them getting close to the house was partially to scare my father into panicking and doing something predictable that they could get him for. Criminals are often times very formulaic in their approach to crime. Often times they aren't just doing one illegal thing, they are doing several illegal things. Often times they can be unhinged and unstable and will give themselves away.

Secondly, the police weren't interested in the real truth of the situation. They just wanted to make an arrest and be the hero. That's how their job worked. I am sure politics within the police department had a lot to do with what they were looking to do. My father had stepped on the toes of some people with a lot of money and power. I will not name how, and I will not name who. It was due to this being a crime against the very rich in a way that really caused the police to care as much as they did about this investigation. But because of this reality, they really didn't understand that this wasn't the major operation they thought it was. Their imagination on the matter got away from them. Because it wasn't just my father who had done this. Other people had been doing what he had done and were actually making a profit off of it. My father had just clearly been the most stupid and the most sloppy. So what they were expecting to see was a lot of visitors and mysterious vehicles coming and going off the property. They were expecting to be able to listen in on incriminating telephone conversations. But none of these things happened. My father had been cued in that he was caught by only a few minute details in his life. He just sensed something from the tone of someone's voice that he knew, he also realized that something had shifted where he was at at the time, and he then noticed the police were following him.

I was constantly stressed though. I had to take charge of getting rid of this stuff. I had to continuously talk my father from committing suicide or even thinking on those terms. It was gross to have to constantly pick my father up like this. And he was totally useless for the first few weeks. I was the one who had to come up with ideas on how we were going to get rid of the evidence. He wasn't able to distinguish at first, the fact that he was being tested by authorities from actual real threat. If someone who had been questioned about him treated him funny in the grocery store, he would freak out thinking he better go kill himself. I had to explain to him that this was not going to hurt him at all. He started looking to me as the person who was going to 'fix' this whole situation. A part of me kind of enjoyed it though. I couldn't help feeling a sort of fleeting excitement that I was playing a game with the police. The police were more and more aggressive after a few weeks when we hadn't done anything to warrant their direct involvement. They were spending money sending cops out here to watch us and follow my father in his car everywhere he went. They put a tracker on his car. He found it and took it off. We once pretended to pack a bunch of empty boxes into the back of the car and drive around with them. The police were very excited about this and swarmed him on the road. He took the boxes and threw them in a dumpster area. The police found the dumpster and found the boxes to be empty.

It was overall, a terrible three months though. And honest to god, my father had committed a crime. The rules in place existed for a reason. Someone could have gotten very hurt. If they had arrested him they would have had every right to. I still stand by the idea that I did nothing wrong. I had been misinformed about the reality of the situation I had been put in. As for my father, at first, in a weeping pool of sadness he had admitted that he had done something illegal and it was his responsibility to own up to it. He even started talking about how he didn't feel he could truly adhere to republican values anymore. He had started questioning the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and I think he mixed these things up and sort of believed that it was the big mean dad 'republican' who was trying to persecute him and that he might be able to find pity from a democrat, the 'soft spoiling mother of society'. In reality, I don't even know where to begin with how this notion was completely flawed. Like, I am not sure that anyone would have taken pity on him, other than he was obviously that fucking dumb. As time went on he started to see himself as some kind of revolutionary, for having been targeted for this incredibly stupid crime he had committed. Like he was V from V For Vendetta or something. And in that notion, he shed himself of all wrong doing and eventually didn't take any credit for what it did to him or me or anyone else. He didn't believe in liberal ideas. He was just trying to board whatever ship might be the most merciful. That, I realized was the extent of his politics. He believed fully in human selfishness because he couldn't see past his own.

Being followed by the police really got to his thinking as well. He never really got over it. He was unhinged even further. For one, he believed that everyone in his day to day life who he came across who looked at him in a way he perceived as strange, be they in Walmart or another driver, or someone who sort of knew him somehow had heard about the investigation and had perhaps been questioned by the police as to what they knew. He thought people were spying on him when they weren't. He believed the neighbors across the street had something to do with spying on us. In reality, he had just lost his mind. Something in him had kind of broke, and you couldn't really get across to him that he was not being followed anymore. He had become paranoid and delusional in some kind of way that was impossible to erase. Something very strange had been set into motion. And in any case after three months the police ended their investigation. But to my father it never really ended after that. He was just permanently rewired.

For instance as well, after a month of being investigated, he went to get a hernia surgery. Basically, he had been walking around with a stomach hernia for years and now it was enormous. He had to push his guts back into the thing that held his guts inside of his stomach using his hands. The stress of being investigated made things even worse. Him taking time off work to heal up after the surgery was a way for him to kind of reset I think (though it hardly helped). And during his operation, he believes that after they sewed him up they gave him over to the police, who interrogated him while he was still groggy and on anesthesia stuff. He believes the hospital gave him over to the police, who played loud music in his ears. I for one, don't believe that anything of the sort happened. I think he became delusional and hallucinated it. He still believes this happened. When he talks about this, I just nod like I agree. There is no point in arguing with that kind of delusional thought process.

This investigation really changed the dynamic of my relationship with my father. He in some ways had to forgo a certain amount of control and authority he had over me. He had behaved like a child for most of it. I had been calm, collected and he relied on me to come up with ideas and to fully understand where the police were at and what their tactics were. His technique had basically been to freak out and threaten suicide, throw incriminating evidence all over the place and then beg me to clean it up for him because he was too afraid of the cops watching him, and then overreact every time someone looked at him confused. I hadn't even bothered to tell him about some of the things I had witnessed, because I knew that, like a child he wouldn't be able to handle it. For example, there was one last ditch effort to get us into trouble. Someone planted a piece of evidence in our living room. I knew it wasn't anyone in our family. It was simply sitting there in the middle of the living room when I came back from a walk in which I had left the doors open. It was just sitting there and it had not been before. I quickly snatched it up and threw it in the creek. I think it was being used to scare us. It was left in a place that was very intentional. It did freak me out a bit that someone felt confident enough to enter our house like that. That bit did freak me out. But they had done it, and there was nothing further to be done about it. I never told my father about that situation because he was a raving lunatic about being watched, and I didn't want to deal with his repetitive circular thinking over and over again any more than I absolutely had to.

Interestingly enough, my sister Maria got into some legal trouble around the same time. She ran the till at the gas station six miles away. The owners have begun to suspect she was leaving the door open so her ex, and father to her kids with whom she still lived with, could go in and rob the place and steal lottery tickets. I for one would not put it past Maria to have done this. She denies it up and down, but she is very capable and it sounds like something she would do if she had an accomplice. On the other hand I know that the people who run that gas station are gross liars as well who were extremely flaky. It's hard to say what really happened. But the police knocked on her door in Juliaetta and told her there was video footage of her stealing and they were going to come back in a few hours and arrest her. They never did come back though, which is weird. The owners lied about having the footage I guess. So I will never know what actually happened there, and it probably doesn't really matter.

Eventually, my father reacted very negatively towards me. Between Allison and David coming to me to talk to me about their problems over him, and with this investigation taking the power and the pride away from him and reflecting well upon my basic sense of clarity, he started viewing me as the person in the house who had the real power and respect, not him. He was back to listening to Rush Limbaugh all day as though he had never whimpered and ran to the democratic party psychologically looking to avoid paying for what he had done. He wanted to put me back in my place. He really hadn't learned anything from his mistakes. He was just happy to have gotten away with it. And I was just a reminder of that he felt weak. So at some point, we got into a terrible fight again that summer, and was kicked out. I was watching Carol's house that weekend anyway since she and Jim had gone to the rendezvous, so at least this time I knew where to go and had already had everything prepared. I kind of wonder if maybe this wasn't something he planned.

I don't remember that fight all too well for some reason. It was a bit like the one earlier that winter. After awhile, all the fights that we had were like that and they all mixed together into one tangled hair ball that just made me want to disassociate from him completely even though I couldn't. And it was all meaningless. Each fight something in our father-daughter relationship would just kind of die a little bit. When he talked, internally I made fun of him, or talked back to him even on his good days I found, even when he was being very nice towards me. That weekend after the fight I spent those three or four days listening to Bright Eyes and Billy Bragg. It really is a good thing I have such a powerful imagination to withdraw to and a lot of interests. If I didn't have that I might have killed myself.

He wanted to discredit me with Allison and David. So when I left that evening after that particular fight, he told Allison and David that the real reason he kicked me out of the house was that he believed me to be a lesbian, sexually obsessed with Sarah and I was a bad influence on the household. Because my friends and I had done things like give each other back rubs and leaned on each other when we sat next to one another in high school, he had I guess thought that all my friends were lesbians, and he was weirded out by it. What it came down to was, he saw two women touching or being very intimate, and he could only see it in sexually explicit terms. Furthermore, he didn't understand why I didn't seem interested in boys. He didn't know about my undying love for Zack. Nor did he take into account just how few people I really knew and what limited options there were in a town of three hundred rednecks. And I didn't wear make up or have anything remotely pretty to wear. Which he was too dumb to realize was because I didn't have any money. And I didn't have any money because I didn't have a job, and I didn't have a job because I didn't have a social security card, and I didn't have a social security card because I couldn't drive or get someone to drive me to these places. And I had no friends who could help me get out of my predicament because I was living in a cocoon of shame that he had spent the last eighteen years building around me. I felt helpless. It felt truly gross to be kicked out because he perceived me to be a lesbian. Because either he believe I was a lesbian or he was just using it to shame me, but either way he was trying to use shame and humiliation to punish me and hurt me and the few good things I did have in my life – all for having stuck out my neck for him when he was in trouble. For having spent more time with his kids than he ever did. It made me feel gross. I wasn't a lesbian, and if I had been a lesbian it would not have mattered because the point was, he had kicked me out for it. And he was hoping this would cause my siblings to be grossed out by me. He was hoping that Sarah would distance herself from me.

I pretty much decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to go back and forth between living with him and my mother anymore. I was beginning to hate him in a very real way, and as long as I had that much hatred towards him, I really couldn't focus on expanding my perceptions about life and seeing things with clear eyes. If I did visit it would be a somewhat special occasion. Both of them were obnoxious intolerable people and it is truly the debate of the century on which one is worse. But with my mother, most of the time she didn't scare me or go that far. She would never have thought to use someone's supposed or real sexuality to try to ostracize them. She's mean, and I am not saying she hasn't done long lasting damage to people. But something like that, she wouldn't think to do. Most of the time she freaks out just for immediate attention and she isn't looking to draw blood like that.

PART 66 - https://tinyurl.com/y87dzx7z

PART 65 - https://tinyurl.com/yb22o6rv

PART 64 - https://tinyurl.com/y98zxljs

PART 63 - https://tinyurl.com/ybosu235

PART 62 - https://tinyurl.com/ybjrvccn

PART 61 - https://tinyurl.com/ybm99k8o

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-60 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-60

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