#i rly want to make some physical art next year.

[ghostzzy]

i think the thing i am most excited about to have in my own place is a Spot. probably a small used desk from fb marketplace or something like that. where i can do little art projects and not worry about being messy and not have to clean up and i can leave things half-finished and come back to it for a few minutes here and there as i'm able to...

[agustdiv1ne]

thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

[currywaifu]

𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: mutuals 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩: miyoshi kazunari/reader 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: sfw 𝐰𝐜: 1.9k words, 2 images

𝐚𝐧: me? back w/ fluff? it’s expected at this point! his speech is hard for me to replicate, but I rly do love Kazunari so I hope I did this scenario justice! I, uh, got too excited at the prospect of “insta mutuals” oops~ hope you don’t mind the additional media TT

The Insta notification that popped up on the top of your screen distracted you from the game you were playing. Normally you’d flick the notif away, but as soon as you realised what it was about, you rushed to finish the rest of the stage.

You and Kazunari have been Insta Mutuals for nearly a year now, ever since he hit you with a follow and you proceeded to stalk his readily-available socials. 

The two of you had been liking and commenting on each others’ posts for weeks on end, starting off with you praising his most recent graphic design work to him sending a paragraph of heart emojis on the most recent fan art you drew.

Somewhere in between following each others’ spam accounts to tagging each other on Insta story games, he finally slid into your DMs and the rest was history. Sort of.

You knew what people said about online dating, or even just long distance relationships in general, but try as you might it was hard not to fall for Kazunari.

The more you talked to him, the less he stayed as your “funny artist mutual” and soon enough he progressed into the “still funny but also really sweet and cute artist online friend, 10/10 would date if asked” category.

You didn’t bother stifling your laugh as you looked at the message he sent you, immediately liking his selfie before saving it on your phone.

Okay, no. He can’t just hit you with an “I do wanna meet u already” and then take it back but not fully commit to it!

You waited for him to respond through text, but instead got hit by your ringtone blaring loudly at such an ungodly hour. At the sight of your contact nickname for him, you eagerly answered his call. You rushed to get the first word in, him doing the same unbeknownst to you.

“Kazu-“

“Babe, I-“

The both of you paused, his eventual laughter easing up your tension as you let out a giggle of your own. You mentally told yourself not to be so nervous— Kazunari and you would have this conversation eventually anyway; besides, it wasn’t as if you didn’t want to see him in person. It was quite the opposite, actually. You just figured that conversations like this needed to happen in call, at least.

“Shoot, should probs shut up so Mukkun doesn’t wake up,” Kazunari commented, his voice volume already lowered, “do you wanna go first?” He asked.

“Yeah,” you replied with resolve. You gathered up your thoughts, formulating the next set of sentences that would leave your mouth, before ultimately deciding on one question. “I just need to know first… how serious were you about meeting up irl?”

“I mean, that wasn’t what I meant when I sent the message? But like, it’s still valid, you know?” he paused, but when you didn’t say anything he decided to continue, “it’s not the first time I’ve thought about meeting you. I think about it a lot, actually.”

It was a bit of a shame the two of you chose to voice call instead of video call. You would’ve loved to see your boyfriend’s face just about now, though you supposed it wouldn’t be a good idea to have a heart attack a quarter to 4 in the morning.

Plus, you weren’t sure you could handle him teasing and throwing compliments at you due to your clearly visible elation, if the upwards stretch of your lips was anything to go by.

“Babe? You still there? Did you pass out, or…” In reality it had only been a few seconds, but still you didn’t want to leave him hanging. Not when the two of you were talking about something that meant taking the next step in your relationship.

“I’m still here, Kazu,” you reassured him. Your voice shook slightly, a sliver of your excitement slipping through the cracks. “I’m the same. Like, no lie I was shocked we brought it up like this, but, um… I’m ready, and if you’re ready, too, I want to meet up with you.”

“Wait, wait, wait— hol’ up! So we’re finally going—“ he laughed for the second time tonight, a fuzzy-wuzzy warmth escaping as its sound equivalent. “Wahh! Of course I’m ready! Can’t wait to finally see what a cutie you are irl♪ Hngg, how am I supposed to sleep now? I’m too hyped up!”

You rolled your eyes, despite understanding exactly how he felt. His infectious cheerfulness amplified the blossoming commotion occurring inside your brain. Despite not making any official plans yet, the prospect of finally meeting up had you frenzied.

Still, one of you had to be at least slightly responsible. While you wouldn’t claim to know his daily schedule, if Veludo Arts was anything like your university, he should be as swamped with workload as you were. Actually, maybe that was the reason he was up so late? That’s how it was for you, anyway excluding the fact that you took a break to stamina clear.

“It’s nearly 4 am… do you wanna continue planning this tomorrow? Err, rather, in a couple hours? After our lectures end, maybe?” You asked, though by the tiny whine Kazunari let out you had a feeling he wasn’t going to agree so quickly.

“Ehh? Why don’t we do it now? I have so many ideas about where we could go, and what we could do… oh! I could introduce you to everyone in Mankai! I’m sure they’d love-“

“I’d love to meet them too,” you cut him off, tone as firm as you could manage at this time, “and I want to hear your ideas, really, but I just know if I let you keep talking the sun will rise before we’ve even decided on a date.”

You chuckled as Kazunari let out a sound of protest, though you had a feeling he knew you weren’t wrong about your assessment. “Zuzu~ Let’s go to sleep now, okay?”

His phone microphone picked up on an audible gasp. “Ehh, how come you rarely call me Zuzu? It’s cute when you say it!”

“Because it sounds like a nickname you’d give to a Pokemon!”

“Uwu, maybe I’ll get Itarun to lend me a copy? Then I’ll catch the cutest Pokemon and name it after you~” you nearly groaned at how fluffy he was being. Seriously, he was distracting you from your agenda of going to sleep!

“Kazu! Stop flirting with me at 4 am or we might not fall asleep!”

Though you couldn’t see him, you were 200% sure he had a wide grin plastered on his face right now. “Me? Using tactics to get you to keep talking with me? Never,” he claimed, professing his false innocence.

“Well, I’m not falling for it! I may not be able to physically tuck you in bed right now, but I can in spirit!”

“Oh!? Then can you give me a goodnight kiss in spirit, too?”

At this point, you were sure that even with just a poke on the cheek you’d be able to feel the heat beginning to envelop your face.

As Kazunari finished laughing, you let the quiet lull of the night seep in the conversation for a few moments before gently breaking it.

“I’d rather give you a kiss irl, though.”

And just like that, you claimed victory over the game he started. With how Kazunari sputtered, a part of you worried that he’d disturb his roommate’s slumber. Still, an even bigger part of you was smug to have him speechless for that much of a duration.

“Babeeeee,” he drawled, “you’re so, so, so unfair… I, like, really want to hold you tight right now…” he murmured, the rustle of his bedsheets discernible through the call. You found yourself nestling onto your bed, too, snuggling up to a soft pillow.

“Soon,” you suddenly yawned, your tiredness seeming to have settled in the comfier you got on the bed. “We’ll have a lot of time to plan tomorrow and the days after, yeah?”

Kazunari let out a hum in agreement, a comfortable silence following suit.

“Kazu?” You muttered quietly, careful not to disturb your peaceful atmosphere.

“Yeah?”

“I love you. Good night,” you said, heart aflutter as you heard his response.

“I love you, too, cutie~ sweet dreams♪” he said in an unbelievably soft tone, before ending the call.

After quickly connecting your phone to a charger, you fell back atop your bed and hugged your pillow tight, already anticipating the day you’d be able to hold Kazunari in your arms, and you in his.

…

Morning come, you hastily prepared for class as you always did. You fell into your usual routine— as soon as you were out of the bathroom, you selected an outfit and went over the things you needed to bring to uni today.

You stopped for a minute; taking a quick selfie to post on your story and emphasise your exhaustion to your close friends, before making yourself some breakfast. Within less than 5 minutes, your phone pinged— a recorded message from one of your favourite people this early in the morning.

"Mornin' piko☆ You're looking cute as always today♪”

There was no way you would admit to how many times you replayed it to Kazunari, but even so it was a good way to keep you positive for the rest of the day.

You don’t remember Veludo Way being this rowdy, though it was hard to trust your memory when it’s probably been years since you’ve last visited. Somehow, it was not tough to imagine Kazunari walking around and performing here— the liveliness of the streets difficult to not associate with one of the liveliest people you knew.

While the original plan was to meet up at a cute and trendy cafe you saw all over people’s SNS, the two of you agreed to meet up somewhere less crowded and more meaningful to him— the theatre which he’d performed at multiple times in the past.

As you saw the building from a distance, you wondered when you’d be able to see him on stage, too.

A shout of your name pulled you out of your thoughts, and you couldn’t help yourself from running over to meet up faster with the figure that was jumping and waving around in your direction.

Had you any sense left, you probably would have told him that you didn’t want him embarrassing himself in public, but in reality it was quite apparent that you were just as excited to finally see him in person.

“Kazunari!” you can’t help the little shriek you let out as you finally embrace him, only joyous laughter and each others’ names escaping the both of your lips. When you finally got a good look at Kazunari, you nearly wanted to bury yourself into his shirt again.

Everything still seemed so unbelievable. That this was real. That it was finally happening. It almost felt like the dreams you’ve had of this moment many times before.

“How are you so beautiful in person, too?! It’s totes like I’m falling in love with you again♪” Kazunari exclaimed, squeezing you one more time before finally settling on holding hands with you. “Ahh! I super, duper love you!”

Except it wasn’t. There was nothing imaginary about his warmth, and the way his words made you feel, and the beaming sunshine of a smile he aimed at you.

“I love you, too!”

want to order again?

[heleizition]

hello :) if you feel up to talking about it, i would love to hear more about the relationships between tim and his siblings in the farm au. like how they get along (cause obviously he doesn’t have the best relationship with damian or jason in the comics). i know you’ve posted some art of him and jason so sorry if you’ve already talked about this in detail! just curious if not :) have a nice day!!

IM SO SORRYYYY I NEVER GOT AROUND ANSWERING THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so :

• a thing in canon that is important to dick and tim’s relationship is obviously tim meeting dick when he was a child and kind of admiring him from afar... none of this happens in the dc au, and by the time tim gets adopted by bruce (13 yo) dick is 24 and has moved out of the family home (he has an appartment in town with donna and wally where they might or might not be dating). they’re way less close than whats typically assumed. dick is there for tim n is a trusted figure and they have a siblings gc so he’s always a text away but ye tim at this point comes from a family where he was abused emotionally and its hard to open up to grown ups and even more to an adult adopted brother who’s not always physically present. dick pops up pretty regularly in the family house anyway, but it takes a few years for tim to feel comfortable going to him if smth is wrong :(

• jason when tim gets adopted is 18 and even if at first there is a bit of “oh am i getting replaces” since he’s going to college by the end of summer, in the Big City, they’re the closest. jason was here and saw bruce get involved n mad over what he knew about tim’s home life,,, met tim before he came to live w them too,,, and honestly his insecurites leave pretty quick bc tim jst . bring out his dad instincts . he’s good at guessing what tim is feeling once he gets the hang of it, and patient when they talk, shares his own story with him in some bits. they relate to some things and dont to others and learn from each other n their rooms are also next to each other so jason often hears when tim is crying in his room slightly,, early after his adoption tim couldn’t sleep and he kept tossing and turning and jason n him ended up wrapped up in blankets on the balcony listening to the nature’s sounds and sometimes reading until one of them fell asleep n ,,, yeah ,,, they’re jst, ,, theyre rly close :( ♥. after jason goes to college tim often visits on week ends !!!!! which is where the pic with roy happens. he misses his brother :C

• ok so i had to think for dami and tim because i changed stuff while answering this including since how long dami has been here (because i want him to have trauma bc im a terrible person). So here is what ive decided. dami is 10 when tim gets adopted, has been here since a year or two. he was with talia before, and im not fixed on this but her and dami did live w ra’s and ra’s probably was into some shady stuff to compensate for canon ,,, anyway damian has trauma (ra’s related, talia is good). talia n him escaped n she dropped dami off to his dad and jst vanished ig ? idk . she out there maybe. anyway he has Trauma, emotional abuse n physical abuse, probably to a higher level as tim,,,, anyway when tim arrives he’s wary, bc he knows jason n dick are adopted but tim is the first newcomer since damian arrived and it scares him .. so at first he jst mostly avoids tim and doesn’t really give him a chance ? but after jason leaves for college they get closer. bc they have similar traumas they both can see when the other is Going Through Stuff, bad days, and slowly they allow each other in,,,, sobs, they’re great ok they’re v close,,, when tim is more comfortable in the house he n dami gets up to shenanigans and give bruce’s grey hairs. they’re v good :(

• cassandra gets adopted the year after tim, she’s 16 and mostly non verbal. im not sure what im making her background yet but ye,,, not good,, but she is very kind and gentle and her and tim are rly good,, he brings her out of her shell a bit and likes when he brings his friends over bc they’re patient w her and make sure she understands waht they’re talking about/games they’re playing... tim and her both start learning asl together

• IM AM NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO W DUKE YET SO I CANT INCLUDE HIM HERE BUT HES HERE ! SOMEWHERe !

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[magical-agatha]

got tagged by @night-dark-woods , hiya lol. ty for the like, thing to do lol. im supposed to tag 9 more ppl i want to get to know better but im only gonna tag a few. @maplespicetransgirl @draciallia @kobold-lesbian @y2k-lesbian

1. top 3 ships: uhhhhhhhh, im gonna say currently rather than all time, glimmer x adora x catra, idk lol its a cute idea and theres a bunch of cute art of them together lol. ive been rly enjoying my next life as a villainess, the mc, catarina, doesnt realise she has at least 2 girls in love with her with a 3rd on the way. i wish i could believe it will resolve in polyamory but. maybe we'll at least see her get a gf. bc. its been very blatant about her friends being in love with her. one of them, mary, has been in love with her for years and is trying to sabotage anyone else falling in love with her, and the other, wont say who bc spoiler, is her reincarnated best friend (its an isekai show) but doesn't realise it, and in the last episode some magic made her speak without inhibitions, and the first thing she does is tell catarina she loves her in like, the romantic way. so you know, fingers crossed. other than thaaaaaat... uhhhhh.... oh i guess poppy and barb from trolls 2. i like that movie. wish it was as gay as it clearly wants to be. also i need to keep watching rwby, ruby/weiss/penny is rly cute.

2. last movie i watched: i watched. half. of osmosis jones with friends earlier today. very gross movie. last complete movie was probably the cgi tintin movie..?? good but idk. before that was trolls 2, for the 2nd time. those movies are great.

3. last book i read: i cant read. well i have adhd so i dont read much anymore. i miss novels but i do listen to audiobooks. currently listening to interesting times by terry pratchett with my gf. last physical book i read was uncaged vol 1, a book of queer dnd adventures with a focus on like, uhhh, monstrous women iirc. its good. def recommend. havent read the whole thing tho.

4. food im currently craving: idk how to answer this lol. i could rly fuck with some mcdonalds or burger king. anything salty spicy and deep fried.. im a glutton and i have sensory issues with food. i tend to eat mostly comfortable or safe foods with good textures and tastes. anything outside my comfort zone usually bad stims me, which is like. horrendous. it makes food hard but also like. good food is rapturous. i like stir fry a lot. my gf cooks stir fry a lot and i always love it. and i like putting condiments on things. bbq sauce, soy sauce, and like, if i can get it theres this rly good peri peri salt they sell at nandos. god i love salt and spicy things. i had a korean burger once that was so spicy i couldnt finish it in one sitting and god i want another. it had a black bun and the chicken was bright red with spices, it was great i miss it. theres this spicy burger mcdonalds did once that had like. battered and deep fried jalapenos on it and spicy salsa and chicken and it was godly. oh and the spicy shaker fries. miss those. dream burger would be something like, korean spicy chicken with some kind of sweet tangy spicy sauce, battered jalapenos, bacon, salad, and a hashbrown coated in some kind of spicy salt. i used to like subway a lot but idk now. i also love donuts. and pastries. and oranges and citrus fruit in general. pears are great too. im not usually into like, candy or chocolate tho its too sweet. oh i love chinese food. noodles and rice and meat and vegetables and sauces, all packed with flavour and amazing textures... chinese food is so good. sushi and japanese food in general tends to be my jam too. most things with rice are rly good. not curries tho i cant eat many curries, i like butter chicken tho thats always good. i could keep going lol i love food. oh turkish food is good. and greek? lots of good meats. tho i cant deal with uhhh... tabouli, parsley kills me on contact idk. and cilantro. but i love souvlakis those are great. pasta is alright, i like tortellini and ravioli and gnocchi with lots of cheese. oh and pizza. with everything on it. especially anchovies. i love anchovies and olives and feta... and pepperoni... and garlic bread. cured meats in general are very good. root vegetables too. capsicum and chillis are yummmmm. im sure i could go on... food is. so good. its euphoric. oh i love ramen too! and uhhh, ramyun i think its called?? i think its korean? its spicy and very good. thicker noodles too. anyway i should stop this is too much lol.

ty for asking my opinion lol

[darkmacademia]

hi! this is a stupid question but anyway. i’m doing my alevels (uk) so going to uni next sept. i’ve got my actual exams next summer too. the thing is, i rly want to do well and go to a good uni and my teachers have told me it’s possible. but the problem is i just can’t like study. i’ve bought books for extra reading and i told myself to watch ted talks and to write up study notes but i just can’t seem to motivate myself to actually do it. i know i’ll regret it if i don’t but i still can’t (1)

(2) find the motivation to knuckle down and study. i even wake up early and i still am not nearly as productive as i should be. i’m just tired when i come back from school so it’s easier to just watch netflix then read a book. do you have any advice/tips because i could really do with some!!! thank you so much. p.s. your blog is amazing and it makes me rly happy when i see your posts on my dash!

[long post]

Thanks for the question, it’s not stupid at all! Sorry to hear you’re struggling with studying, it can be a very stressful time. I’m not super qualified to give advice but I’m gonna try anyway! I’ll relate the tips to myself if you don’t mind, just for context. (For reference, I finished Australian VCE in November 2018)

Usually when you’re struggling with something that is totally in your power to do but you just Can’t, it might not be due to the actual task, but something about it or adjacent to it that is stopping you, e.g. fear of failure, wrong studying techniques, etc. Maybe try and analyse what exactly is stopping you? For example, when I was really struggling with writing practice essays for English (like i wrote Nothing, ever), I found that it was because I didn’t like sitting alone trying to push out ideas onto a blank page, it was just suuuper boring for me. 

So instead, I grabbed my friend and we sat for hours just chatting (and sometimes arguing very passionately) about the text and occasionally jotting down ideas to write about later. This made me actually passionate about my ideas and enjoy the work rather than it being a chore. It wasn’t because I couldn’t write essays, but because the way I went about it before didn’t work for me. (I ended up doing really well in the exam even though I started the year doing zero work). This is sort of vague advice, but if you want to chat more, feel free to send a chat message. I’d be more than happy to talk!

But for more concrete tips, these are some that I’ve found work for me personally:

1) Making it less effort to start: sometimes we don’t want to study because that involves getting out notes, setting up stationary, chargers, text books, waiting for the planets to align, etc. So what I did was make it as easy as possible to just get right into it. I’d organise my supplies on my desk so I could literally just sit down and start. That initial hesitation can set you back, especially when you don’t want to do the thing.

2) Studying with friends: this might not be practical for everyone, but I personally find it terribly difficult to motivate myself when studying alone. Find some similar-minded friends and just sit together and study. It helped me a lot to know that I wasn’t the only one suffering lmao. This leads onto the next point:

3) Pomodoro sessions: a common study technique is splitting up your time into 25+5 minute blocks, as it’s not as daunting as sitting down and telling yourself you’ll study for 2 hours straight. Especially if you’re with friends, you’re rewarded with those 5 minutes of relaxing, chatting, getting a drink, so it doesn’t seem like hours and hours of hell. (No joke, this video was my favourite video of 2018, she’s amazing). My classmates and I would find a quiet table, put that video on and just work in silence for 25 minutes, which is actually a lot less time than you think.

4) Studying is hard, but doesn’t have to be complete agony for you to do well: something I learnt during the HOURS of tediously making 500+ A3 pages in my visual diaries (I counted) for my two art subjects. Yes, doing well isn’t easy, but success is NOT synonymous with pain. Yes, you’ll have to do those equations somehow, but grab a hot drink, play some music, put on a cute outfit (idk why this helps, it just does), study with friends. Learning is meant to be fun, don’t let study get in the way of that. 

5) You can’t do everything at once: ever get overwhelmed with the size of the task? I got super scared at all the Chinese stuff I had to memorise and it totally shut me down for weeks. I had to remember that I physically could not do all of it at once, so I stopped trying. I broke everything down into weekly/daily tasks that I could manage short-term. The sheer pressure itself was stopping me from working, not the tasks themselves.

6) This is for the more extreme scenarios, but lock your social media: my friend @acastemia and I legit couldn’t stay off our social media during Year 12, so we got the other to change the passwords for all our accounts and not let each other have them until we proved that we did the work for that week. Obviously a dramatic move, but dear god it helped in those final months ahaha

7) Other random stuff that might work: this app for staying off phones, this app for getting better sleep, cleaning your desk - seeing a clear space helps clear ur mind I guess?? Studying in different environments - alternating between cafes, libraries, parks, at home. 

Whoops this is super long but I hope that helps somewhat! Please please message me further if you have more questions, I’m very passionate about navigating the hellscape that is the education system and want to see everyone do well ! Best of luck, I’d love to hear how you go in the future. xx

[marshmallowprotection]

Well it's kinda personal but I don't mind other ppl reading this. The thing is, I'm a girl and I've got a boyfriend. We've been together for... 2 years? We've met at our school's art club. He's a painter. I really love him, he's some... Unexpected miracle to me. I treasure him a lot. And I think he does treasure me too, as he always tells me that we're in love, that I'm his light, and he loves drawing me. (Next)

I've been into the Mysmes Fandon for a while, however, I only manage to get the Another Story a few days ago. I played V's route and I felt oh so fucking lost. His relationship with Rika reminded of mine with my BF. And their relationship didn't seem unhealthy to me... I just saw two people expressing love awkwardly. But as I chatted with other players, I have surprisingly met different opinions. Ppl told me I was a freak for not seeing the bad in their relationship. (Next)

I've been with my BF for 2 years and I rly believe that our relationship is similar. Sometimes he hurts me to test my love. I have to prove myself to him, and it doesn't feel weird to me? I mean... He once broke my wrist but he felt so sorry about it..! I know he couldn't have wanted it... I know he's just trying to see if I'm really sincere about my feelings. (Next)

So well, I would like to know if my situation seems weird ? Is anything wrong? Do you think that Rika and V's relationship is similar with mine..? And do you think it might be unhealthy..? Sorry for bothering you again haha... I just genuinely don't get what is wrong about them. Is this kind of love unhealthy..?

TW: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Gaslighting.

Okay. I’m glad to hear that you’re okay and open to talk about your problems with someone else. I’m going to give you the best advice to the best of my abilities here and I hope that you understand that I’m coming from a warm place and I want to let you know that you’re not a bad person and you’re going to be okay, okay? You are not a freak. You are not a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you. 

You’re not bothering me. I’m happy to help people. I’m not just here to answer requests or prompts. I’m here to make people smile when I can. I’m always here to talk and I’m always happy to open myself to people who want to talk. My main blog is always open to you. 

Rika and V don’t have a healthy relationship. It may have been okay at the start when they first got together but it got to a point where it was not okay for either of them. They were young when they got together and they had a lot of personal issues that they weren’t honest with each other about. Rika had a lot of issues in her life. She was abused, she was hurt, she was manipulated, she had to go through a lot, and she was pushed to the point where she decided that she had no choice but to do wrong to people to feel in control again. 

V tried to help her, he tried to get her friends and a support system, he believed that he could help her change for the better. He thought that his love would be the thing that helped Rika. He thought that he could love Rika enough that she would be able to change. But the thing is, someone like Rika won’t change for anything, not even for love. 

She hurts people, and she hurts V the most in their relationship. 

She injured his eyes because she wanted to see how much pain she could inflict on him for loving her. 

She pushed him into the corner because he loved her and he was willing to take anything that she wanted to give him. She wanted to control everything and when she started to shift everything to try to make the Mint Eye, V knew that something was wrong. He thought that he could love her harder and take any pain she was willing to dole out if it meant that she would not hurt anyone else. 

I’m afraid you can’t love someone and change them. You can love someone will all your heart but... sometimes, they just don’t change. They stay a bad person and they hurt you. They use your love for them as a weapon to get you to do whatever they want. It’s not healthy. I know it’s not healthy. My parents have a relationship like this and it made my childhood a living hell. I can tell you with a sincere heart that if someone hurts you, physically or emotionally to “make you prove your love them”, then they are not a good person for you. 

That’s gaslighting. Has this person made you question your reality? Has he spoken over you and made you question everything you’ve ever felt after an argument? Has he looked at you and made you feel like you were the problem when he made you cry? Has he hurt you and somehow you’re the one to blame for what happened when he lashed out at you? 

Those are signs that things are not okay. 

And honey, I’m very worried about you right now. I know you love this person so very much. Love is a great thing. But, I want you to know that this relationship is not okay for you. I’m not trying to come down on you. I’m concerned about your health right now. You can love him, and you can feel that in your heart for the rest of your life but he is not good for you. Any man who lays his hand on a woman is not a good person. 

I know you’re in a space right now where you feel like you’re a bad person or like, you don’t know what to do. Let me assure you that you’re okay in the head again and that I hear you. You’ve just realized something very important about your life and you can use this time as a chance to start to research more about how you feel. Don’t just take my word for it, research, and read about this on your time when you can safely. 

I want you to know that no matter what, you’re not stupid and you’re not a bad person. I keep saying this because I felt ashamed when I was trying to unlearn what had been forced into my head. 

I know what you’re going through right now. I lived my childhood in a very rough environment and it wasn’t okay for me. I’m not still healing from that pain. People who have gone through abuse question everything and say to themselves over and over, “No, no. This can’t be my relationship. It’s not like that. They’re not like that. They just get angry sometimes, you know?” 

I want you to know that you have my support and that you can keep coming back to talk to me. I care about you. I don’t know you, but I want you to know that I care about you. I want you to be happy and be safe, okay? Come back to talk to me if you need to. I’m always here.

[howllscastle]

50 questions tag

tagged by: @pinktea99

tagging: @renjungita @forehead-enthusiast @bitchendery @yanggerm @0hyja @midsummerenjun

hiding all the tea under the cut 🤠

1. what takes up too much of your time?

kpop,, so in turn tumblr and youtube also overthinking ,,, love that

2. what makes your day better?

talking to my friends, little pleasant surprises, when my cat does something cute

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today?

honestly idk,,, today has blended together into nothingness but my fish just ate his food without being angry at me the whole time so that was nice

4. what fictional place would you like to go to?

hogwarts !!! its so pretty there and it would be so fun to learn all about magic and discover all the little hidden parts of the castle, lay with your friends by the great lake,,, ok i’ll stop now

5. are you good at giving advice?

i think it depends on the advice but i try to help as well as i can 

6. do you have a mental illness?

social anxiety 😎 and possibly depression but i’m too scared to go see a therapist

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

no and i’m thankful for that

8. what musician inspires you the most?

tbh taeyong 

9. have you ever fallen in love?

with renjun 😍 ok i’m sorry but honestly i think i’ve only experienced rly intense /like/ 

10. what’s your dream date?

this is like specific but there’s a museum district near me and walking around there would be rly nice,,, just walking through the streets,,, visiting art galleries and museums,,, maybe going to the zoo,,, go into all the cool little stores,,, : (

11. what do others notice about you?

people who have met my dad ALWAYS say how i look like him but otherwise it’s probably my hair ? idk people seem to like curly hair

12. what’s an annoying habit you have?

picking at my lips omfg i need to STOP

13. do you still talk to your first love?

well not Love but yeah hdjdk

14. how many exes do you have?

just one 🤠

15. how many songs are in your playlist?

i have ,, lots of playlists but i have 721 saved songs,,,, more if u count songs in playlists i don’t have saved,,,

16. what instruments can you play?

uH zero but i could play a Mean xylophone in elementary music class

17. what do you have the most pictures of?

kpop idols,,,

18. where would you like to go before you die?

europe !! i want to travel around europe and visit as many countries as i can, also japan ! especially during cherry blossom season !

19. what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, aqua moon, cap rising

20. do you relate to it?

for the most part i’d day yeah, i still don’t know /that/ much about astrology hdsjkd

21. what is happiness to you?

that feeling of standing in the sun for the first time in a while, feeling all warm inside doing the things that make you smile

22. are you going through anything right now?

hm yeah ,,

23. what’s the worst decision you ever made?

probably,, not putting in the effort to talk to my friends a lot this past year,,,

24. what’s your favorite store?

there’s this one local thrift store near me and uGH it’s amazing i’ve found great stuff there, and also this japanese convenience store called daiso i could spend all day in there

25. what’s your opinion about abortion?

i feel that women should have the choice whether they’re going to have one or not without being attacked by the other side for their decision

26. do you have a bucket list?

not rly djkhj

27. do you have a favorite album?

i have . many favorite albums, some include limitless by nct 127, hozier’s self titled album, and basically all of day6′s albums

28. what do you want for your birthday?

,, money but also i could always use more face masks and stationary 

29. what are people’s first impressions of you?

that i never talk like,, ever 💀 which . is relatively true,, until i get to know you and get more comfortable

30. what age do you seem according to most people?

once a cashier asked if i was a freshman in college,,,, surprisingly lots of people think i’m older than i am, tho me and my mom did joke that i probably look like a 12 year old when driving and people might call cps on her ahhjksdhf

31. where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

on my nightstand which is literally like . 1 foot from my face

32. what word do you say the most?

like,, um ,, what ,, so

33. what’s the oldest age you would date?

that’s kinda hard to answer since i’m still so young ,,, but at the moment maybe 19 ??

34. what’s the youngest you would date?

again ,,, kinda hard but at the moment,,, probably 16 but as i get older i’d be more comfortable with a bigger gap

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you?

lot’s of people say artist,, my parents think i’d make a good baker and jokingly they also say lawyer bc i argue so much hjskdh

36. what’s your favorite music genre?

well ,, kpop but that’s like 500 genres all in one,,, i also rly like indie/alternative the occasional pop and pop rock thrown in there

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

england ! i’ve a l w a y s wanted to live there omg, or italy !

38. what is your current favorite song?

two i’ve been listening to on repeat lately are take off by wayv and lips on lips by tiffany young 

39. how long have you had this blog for?

this one,,, only like 3 months but my previous blog was like ,, a few years old

40. what are you excited for?

our up coming vacation(s) !!! one might not happen but the other is and i’m !!! also my mom wants to “do something fun” this week (we were supposed to go on one of those vacations this week sO) and i’m excited for going out and doing ,, whatever it is we come up with

41. are you a better talker or listener?

oh listener definitely, i’m so bad at talking about my feelings out loud 

42. what was the last productive thing you did?

i did some laundry,,, also worked on summer school earlier today

43. what do you want for christmas?

same as my birthday but i also just remembered ,, a switch !! i’ve wanted one for so long ,,

44. what class do you get the best grades in?

usually history and german (hallo yangyang,,) also did amazing in bio freshman year let’s hope that carries over to ap bio next year

45. on a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now?

i’d say ,, a 7 which is wack usually it’s lower

46. what can you see yourself doing in ten years?

hopefully have a good stable job,, a good relationship,,, be healthy mentally and physically ,,, 

47. when did you get your first heartbreak?

can losing a friend count as a heartbreak ,,, bc if so ,,, a few years ago

48. at what age do you want to get married?

i have absolutely no idea ahhjksdh

49. what career did you want to have as a child?

i wanted to be a vet soooo badly but now i can barely handle the sight of blood so,,, sorry 8 year old ally

50. what do you crave right now?

honestly ,,, to just go out and do something,,,, i’ve been stuck in the house since friday 

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french��because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[thegsresidue]

re: (a small part of) the future

i’ll be starting university soon. just a couple of weeks more and this 8 and a half month holiday will come to an end. 

time has passed by incredibly fast, and i can’t believe that it’s been close to a year since i’ve gone to school. i didn’t have a lot to expectations for this long break, i honestly just wanted to rest. 2017 was not the easiest year - i ended a long relationship, i had to study very hard to pick my grades up (a very scary period of time for me, because my wake up call only came after June and my A Levels were in November), and i was always so tired and stressed out. finishing my A Levels was more of a relief than a celebration. after that, i spent 2 and a half months feeling extremely afraid and just trying to push away the thoughts in my head about my results. 

but anyway, i wanted to talk about my (very long) break and what my life is like now. and also about what i’m thinking about a lot as of late. for the sake of keeping some memories here and to also help me to do some reflection.

so a couple of things that i did:

completed my A Levels

went to prom

bought a seasons pass to universal studios

went to a water park (never again)

drank a bit

hung out with my friends...a LOT (and i’ve grown closer to so many of my close friends over the last 9 months...which surprised me a lot because i thought we’d just grow distant since we weren’t going to school together anymore)

spent New Year’s Eve with my friends (it was a very chill day and i ended 2017/welcomed 2018 while on the phone with my friend which rly!! wow) - that day made me realise a lot and it was kind of a huge stepping stone in helping to get over some of the things that made me sad last year

went job hunting (tried very unsuccessfully to find an internship/admin job) 

went for my first ever job interview (and then some) 

got into 2 jobs, and chose to go to starbucks!! <3 which i don’t regret a single bit

got my first pay check

went back for College Day

collected my A Level results

sent some of my friends off to the army

applied to universities and went for school interviews

got into law school

got into medical school 

learnt how to operate a cash till

learnt how to make coffee and survive speaking to rude customers

fell in love

went overseas

started watching many new shows

went shopping Many times

took part in a community service project (which was very meaningful)

took part in university orientation

slept in a hostel 

met a whole lot of new people and (most importantly!!) made new friends

i think the list is could be longer but that’s really all i have on the top of my head right now :’) suffice to say, this break has been incredibly meaningful and i really have learnt and experienced a lot. i feel like i could have spent more time learning/signing up to do new things, but at the same time...nah 😂it has been a very good break, and i really had a good rest.

and now, the more scary things - school.

it’s going to start soon, and this period of time (which i really feel is just like a very long phase for us to transition into the next chapter of our life) is going to end soon. i’m going to quit my job soon, and i have to mentally (and physically) prepare myself for the new school year. it’s going to be tiring, and because i decided at the very last minute to not stay in a hall, i have to get used to insane travelling times now. a lot of people do it, and have been doing it for a long time - but i’ve always been grateful for having lived near school, and this is something that worries me quite a bit. life is going to change a lot, and while i’m sad to have to let go of my lifestyle now, if i put aside my fears and dread i can say that i am a little excited. i mean, i’m going to learn about medicine!! and prepare myself for an extremely meaningful career. 

but this isn’t why i wanted to talk about it.

i’ve been thinking a lot (as usual), and out of boredom i went to look at other degrees and basically just explore what i could’ve done instead. life has been filled with a lot of ‘what-ifs’ lately, and frankly i don’t really know how to deal with emotions like this. remember that post i made in may, where i talked about how my interests really lie in the arts and how i’d always have an affinity for it? well, that still stands, and as the school year approaches this thought has been bothering me incessantly.

having always been doing science (in the pursuit of this dream of mine to get into medical school) despite my love and strength in the arts, i’ve always willed and promised myself (in a sense) that i’d one day finally go for and study about what i’m really passionate about. but the thing is, i didn’t exactly have any other ambitions to go along with this promise. i didn’t have a career in mind, and though i feel like this could seem to be a pretty frivolous concern for a 13 year old, it is something important that i have to think about at this juncture in my life. i mean, i am going to university and education is expensive...so i have to make wise decisions for myself since this basically will pave the way for my life and career over the next few years (or decades, in my case lol). i didn’t have any concrete plans about what i’d specifically want to study or pursue either. it was always just this tiny thought in my mind that went, “one day, you’ll be able to pursue what you really, really like”

and this is so weird, because i’m beginning to think that maybe being a doctor was just this aim and dream of mine, and while that will always be my dream job, what i want to study and learn about for the rest of my life lies completely elsewhere. i thought that getting into law school (and choosing to study there) would’ve helped to placate this, but then thoughts about working in the industry and basically just trying to think about how i’d get a footing in the world of law just put in a lot more other concerns and worries in my mind. 

and i think that i only have myself to blame for this. because my whole life i’ve been trying to work towards a dream that diverged so far from my interests, and i should’ve done something to help to mitigate/even stop this. i could’ve explored more courses in universities, looked up organisations and careers that i wanted to go into, and if i had the means to then i really wished i tried to develop myself more and learn more so that this would be something less foreign to me. it’s just an entire aspect of my life that i’ve neglected in the pursuit of something else, and this realisation just makes me very sad. but the opportunities to study the arts in universities have presented themselves, and i’m very grateful that i applied to that One law school and that one school overseas. i just wish i wasn’t so scared to go for what i wanted to study, and perhaps also maybe took more time to learn and nurture myself so that i’d be more suited for this area of AcAdEmIa.

but alas, i have already made my decision, and this is just a lot of the ‘what-ifs’ that i’ve been thinking about. i feel like there are only certain ways our lives are meant to be, and this would’ve honestly been a journey that i really would have loved to go into. i don’t really know how to deal with feelings like this, but i do know that what’s important is for me to just look to the future and not leave behind any regrets. so i think that’s what i’ll do. 

...and i think another thing for me to learn would be to not be scared to actually pursue what i like. i don’t want to live a life where i cannot live by my own choices, and i’m worried that this entire thing might have been just so. i want to go for what i dream about and learn what sets my heart alight with passion and interest. the practicality about what we want to do with our lives is one thing, but i also feel that there is just something else within us that’s also very inane and inexplicable - it’s what we love, and we have in our hearts. so to a certain degree (ha ha!!! get it XD) i think we do need to actually spend time trying to pursue these things, and part of it could come from what we do in university, and part of it does not. and while the former is something that is already set, there is still a lot more to my life that i have not begun to explore. 

so here’s to that relentless chase, of learning about what we love and what at the end of the day makes us so undeniably human.

CHEERS!! oof

//

[facinna-a]

tell me about your most recently made ocs!

ah!! they’re actuallybnha ocs! there’s a lot of speculating in their backstories tho, mainly becauseof the mystery surrounding all for one so ill put it under the cut thisllprobably get long aaaaaaaa

SO there isn’t a lot ofinfo on all for one, but we do know that he enjoys the power of having multiplequirks and also wants a successor. i think that prior to meeting tomura heattempted to try and create a successor with the strength to surpass him oneday. so lots of experimentation. first it started with the basics: just tryingto transfer quirks onto other people. after the discovery that not everybodycould handle begin given a quirk like that, all for one decides to try keepingthe quirk in his genes, and so he has a kid (listen he doesnt have a face pretendthe lucky lady rly likes money or power or whatever). 

well that child turns outquirkless, so they try once more and have another baby (this baby is my oc shill explain later) and realizing relying on chance doesn’t work, they decidedto try and use dna experiment on this child. but guess who fuckin hates thatidea? all for one’s brother, aka the first user of one for all.

but they do it anywaybecause all for one needs an heir so. they start doing the experiment(TM) andthe baby dies from the strain of the experimentation, prompting no emotionalresponse from all for one.

or so they thought. 

one for all was a good person and wanted to give his niece aproper burial, but found that she was actually alive. the experiment was asuccess, and the quirks all for one had given to his daughter had kept heralive. knowing that all for one would use his daughter’s powers for evil, he fledand took the child with him. before leaving, however, his final act was tellingall for one’s first child, his niece, all of the evil acts her father had done,hoping this would strike a fire inside her to begin some sort of conspiracyfrom the inside, so he would have some support fighting his brother.

knowing that he would be unable to defeat his brother, one forall transferred his mutated quirk onto another, the baby he took was raised bythis second user until their death. by that time she’d been taken in by a localsmall-time gang, ne’er-do-wells who did what they had to in order to survive onthe streets. the gang was her family, and they were all just stupid teens, butthey did their best to help each other and care for one another where nobodyelse would. (think team skull lol)

enter my oc turning 14, raised quirkless and not knowing herpower. seeing the pro heroes of the time barely giving a damn about people likethem, she turned to vigilantism, donning a mask and saving those who wereharassed but not saved. she looked into ways to counter certain quirks, and usedher incredible intelligence for a 14-year-old (another passive quirk bestowedupon her by all for one) to make gadgets to help her keep up with other heroes.

she was content with this lifestyle: save people who needed tobe saved, who wouldn’t be saved any other time, no credit necessary.

enter toshinori yagi.

[warning lmfao it might get kinda sue-ish here but there’sanother oc so blease stick around]

so she encounters toshinori yagi on a whim, after stealing somefood for the younger members of her gang and stopping a mugging on the waythere.

because of his own quirklessness, toshinori saw something in herthat was heroic potential, and so he befriends her and attempts to convince herto try and get into ua, which she scoffs at obviously. but after the gang (i don’thave a name for them yet lol) hear of the incident, they try and succeed inconvincing her to give it a try. so this quirkless girl tries getting into uawith her homemade technology, supported by both toshinori and his mentor nanashimura. she gets in through shounen anime means (the working idea is that she fights gran torino and wins through the power of friendship but idk lmfao) and starts her new life as a quirkless student at a school for pro heroes.

of course none of the student body really likes her presence there, except toshinori. constantly showing his support and confidence in her, he’s a beacon of hope, cheering her on and helping her get better while also using her tech to improve his own techniques. some are humbled by being beaten by a quirkless kid with the smarts to stop their quirks and others are embarrassed, but still the harassment never really stops.

so the night before finals of her first year, the emotional strain of being bullied and attacked for being a quirkless student mixes with her pre-existing depression and anxiety over her lack of self-worth being an orphan and a quirkless person in general, so she tries to kill herself by jumping off the roof of ua.

enter toshinori yagi again.

he sits with her for the rest of the night, the night before finals, talking to her and getting her to let her feelings out. he talks her down and saves her life, making him her hero.

as they go through school, the bullying becomes less and less prevalent, less annoying, and more and more people grow to respect her for her fighting prowess and her humbling abilities that have improved greatly with the help of her studies.

she falls in love with toshinori. they fight side by side together.

she realizes she loves helping people, but she also wants to keep pro heroes humble. they have millions of idols around the world, and some of them are quirkless. so she becomes a physical education teacher at ua. and teaches up and coming heroes that people can and will be able to counter them. 

so of course she’s there when all for one destroys his body. she still loves him and helps him through everything, from adjusting to his new body to helping with his loss of confidence and feelings of inadequacy for being unable to be a hero for more than a few hours a day.

she’s basically bnha’s batman. that’s the first bnha oc i have lol.

the next one is a student. she’s in class 1-a (in an au where either 1. izuku is the special 23rd classmate because his entry was later than the others somehow shut up or 2. mineta is fucking nonexistant). ive talked of her before but not in much detail i don’t think.

so after the first oc is “dead” to all for one, he tries taking children who have multiple quirks/children that he thinks can handle his transferring to make his successor. one of these children was tomura shigaraki’s sister, a young girl who was just a baby when tomura accidentally killed their parents. born with a hydrokinetic quirk, she was given a quirk that allowed her to calm/anger others with her singing, but somebody (i dont know who yet) stopped the experiments before she turned into a nomu.

as she grew, she was trained in the art of villainy. namely watching others get tortured or murdered, and ways to stop pro heroes. she was initially excited to learn these things, because it meant she would make her big brother happy.

she tripped one day and cut her hand. she realized she was the exact same as those she was supposed to torture and kill. she bled the same color as them, she had blood in their veins same as them, and all in all she was just as human as those people. suddenly she really doesn’t like learning how to be a villain.

it wasn’t until the incident that she realized how wrong everything was, and how she needed to take action.

after all for one realizes tomura is the perfect candidate, he decides he doesn’t need the other experiments-tomura’s own sister included-and has them fight each other to the death until there is one survivor, who gets to live. she’s only around 7-10 when this happens. hiding and running from the other experiments keeps her alive, alongside one other person, who she knows she has to kill to get out.

she’s scared, and she really doesn’t want to, but he’s coming this way and if she doesn’t do something she’ll die, so she uses her hydrokinesis quirk to manipulate his body (made of 60% water) and kills him. she has no other choice, but the action scars her. she leaves covered in blood that isn’t hers and tears that are still flowing from her eyes. when tomura isn’t there to see her, she begins questioning how much he really cares for her.

who else is there but all for one’s first child.

she cleans her up and the next morning explains the conspiracy that’s been brewing since she was a child, after one for all told her everything. my oc decides to join the conspiracy. her role is to gain the trust of the league and ensure that she can get a clear shot at their leader’s back one day. so when she turns 14 and the league tasks her with entering ua and infiltrating the school while providing them information, she is told both by the league of villains and the leader of the conspiracy that she cannot get attached, and must follow the league’s orders to the letter.

however, that isn’t the easiest feat. class 1-a treats her with kindness and love like she’s never seen before, and it makes it so hard to have to watch them die. so she begs all for one’s daughter (i dont have a name for her okay) to spare them, at least try. she’s given an ultimatum: the children will be tested. if they cannot beat the villains at usj, they aren’t fit to fight all for one. it’s not much but it’s something, so she follows through with the promise after the usj invasion. when the class not only survives the fight but helps all might in the process, she retreats and spares the class.

this oc knows her alignment is still wrong, but she must keep up the act of being a double agent in order to keep this rebellion decades in the works going. she doesn’t even really hope for class 1-a’s forgiveness so long as they are alive. their friendship in this moment is more than enough contentment for her. if they hate her, so be it, so long as they are safe.

ANY WAY. that’s it!! i really want to give them names but i have no ideas so ya!! honestly the second oc will probably be named something water related but im trying to keep the naming conventions of bnha so!! uh ya!!

[estherroberts]

june barlowe

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts​​ , @podcastmecaptain, and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today though, it’s @estherroberts especially. (that’s me!)

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is one of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for the stories of each character involved. we each picked three kids to write about, and this is the second one of mine! without further ado, here’s june! 

june and her family are from california

specifically, a little suburb outside of los angeles

her childhood as far as she can remember is pretty great

she’s been playing viola since she was little

she has an older brother who plays football, they pretty much stay out of each other’s way

her parents both make a lot of money, but her father gets this wild idea that they absolutely have to move back to the town his grandfather was from, and he and his wife always work from home anyway  

of course, it’s point-of-exile, CO

and to june, it does feel like an exile, because she is leaving everything and everyone behind

june barlowe is 14 years old when they move, and she has lived her life blissfully believing that she is a heterosexual. she does not, in fact, really spend much time thinking about it

sure, there were gays in la. but did she have reason to talk to them? or consider that she might be one? not really

june is tiny her freshman year. tiny and scrappy and already angry, tho at what, sometimes she doesnt even know

it’s the first day, and she’s in orchestra, 6th period. she might be new to the school but she’s been playing viola for years and she knows if she cant make friends anywhere else she’ll at least have the strings

and helen, though new to high school, is not new to the kids, or somehow, the band room, or the teacher

and june is just kinda floored by her, because she’s literally so beautiful and confident and so out of june’s idea of normal that june is just like, what. the fuck.

and helen asks her what she plays and she says viola and helens eyes light up because she heard all the violists graduated and they needed new ones and sorry dear what was your name again

and june says june, and helen says, “that’s my favorite month” and june is just, like, dead

helen asks june to come to lunch with her and they talk about everything and everyone and it doesn’t take long before they already know each other’s life stories and have moved on to gossiping about everyone else

june, because she’s june and she’s cis, puts her foot in her mouth multiple times during the course of this conversation and but helen can see that she’s trying and helen is helen, even at 14, and so she explains something and gently tells june when she’s said something offensive

and june, tho performative in most of her emotions, manages to keep her cool and just nods and takes in helen’s corrections

they become friends really really fast

three months into their friendship they have their first downton abbey tea shit-talking session at helen’s house and it’s the most fun june has ever had

they make it a weekly ritual and alternate between their houses, at first with some raised eyebrows from june’s parents, but they learn to hide their judgement lest they risk incurring june’s already protective fury

or helen’s cool superiority

sophomore year things start to get rough at june’s house

her parents fight all the time and she hides in her room and practices viola as loud as she can so that she doesn’t hear them anymore

but it never works

her older brother sometimes comes into check on her but he’s kind of a stoner so he isn’t too much help

and she gets worse grades and her parents are Disappointed and she gets angrier

she starts having trouble keeping all that anger inside of her

she doesn’t have the motivation or the dedication to work on improving her performance in school, the only thing she wants to do is work on her music

she still has weekly tea with helen, and when she’s done ranting about her parents she listens to helen talk about her first girlfriend, the one who later goes to boarding school

and june starts to wonder if the fluttery feeling that never goes away when she’s with helen is, well, if it’s a crush

because it certainly feels like one

she tries pushing it to the back of her mind

tries to pretend it’s not there but

she can’t really hide it from herself anymore

june’s parents, who could never stand to have a daughter make her career in the arts, push her to take up a sport

she joins track, and meets quentin, and god help her he is the cutest button ever and so smart and she helps him train and he helps her with science and he promises to join orchestra the next year

everyone on the track team ships them

early in june’s junior year, they start going out

he always pulls out chairs and holds open doors for her

he’s always ready with a sarcastic quip under his breath, usually intended for just her ears

he doesn’t flinch away from her sharp edges, literally or metaphorically, and neither is he afraid to be soft around her

and somehow, she kind of relaxes into that

they get along sooo well and there’s a Lot of physical chemistry too and she’s just, she can’t believe she’s lucky enough to be with someone like him, someone as good and generous and stable as him and someone who makes her laugh the way he does and-

and june is happy with quentin, really truly happy

and she tries to tell herself that this is enough, that this is all she needs

it almost works.

but god damn she’s still getting butterflies when helen plays with her hair, or holds her hand, or tells her she’s beautiful

and one afternoon they’re watching like a gay movie or something at helen’s and june is upside down on the couch with her head dangling off and she says “hey, helen”  "yeah?“  "i think i’m bisexual” “that’s delightful!” “thanks”

(a side note here, if you’re wondering how helen sees her best friend june:

in helen’s eyes, june is so so full of life and passionate and she gets invested in everything and she’s impulsive and impatient and furious and so so powerful

and she loves deep and hates deeper and holds grudges and fights terfs and homophobes on the internet and goes after her goals and never holds back

and sometimes, when june’s with quentin, or laying on the couch, her legs in helens lap and clutching a pillow, sometimes, she melts

and helen melts too )

and that’s pretty much it and things proceed as normal for them

and june, who is both literally and figuratively growing into herself (shes v tol now) looks online at all the bisexual resources available to her and consumes them all

she comes out to quentin too and they have a “i’m bi!” “i’m a demi guy!” moment and it brings them a lot closer together

they jump up and down

it’s fucking adorable

more on this in the quentin section

it’s early senior year now and helen and anthony are together and june’s working retail and still doing track and still playing viola and her grades are still less than ideal

and things are still rly hard at home

she can’t sleep because sometimes she hears plates breaking or cabinets getting punched

she wishes there was something she could do to fix things for her family but she can’t think of anything expect to literally plead with them to get a divorce

her brother has moved out and now there is no buffer, any anger her parents harbor at each other gets thrown onto her

so not only do her parents fight with each other, now they’re fighting with her

and then of course,

the mornings are the worst

they are wrought with passive aggressive sugary sweet falsities that make june want to literally rip her hair out

she can hear the venom seeping into her parents voices, she knows they can hear it in each other’s

so why are they pretending everything’s okay?

why??

june doesn’t really deal with any of this well at all

she gets in fights at school a lot, she argues with her teachers

sometimes she just really wants to inflict pain in anyway she can and she doesn’t know why or how and it hurts her too

her friendship with the gang, however, is now fully formed. she loves them all so much? it’s ridiculous to her, that she could care about that many people?? but she does. she so does. even though most of them are so nerdy it physically hurts her.

she is FIERCELY protective of all of them, and so even though she shows no outward affection to most of them, they know she cares

one time some a-hole was talking with his buddies, throwing around all kinds of slurs with regards to esther and bridget

and june just kinda let her fists fly (again)

she got in trouble at home and at school for that

so lately she tries to defend her friends with her words

but it’s so much easier to just sort of, LOOM over assholes until they start crying

at one point, her and quentin both want to try kissing other people but they don’t want to break up so they have what they call The Kissing Week and reported back to each other on the quality of kissing

and eventually, she gathers up the courage to ask him if he’d be down for a poly kinda set up, ever, and he shrugs bc he’s an easy going guy and is like “seriously, that’d be rad, like i love you but if you feel like you want to explore other options go for it”

and she’s like "i love you too, so so much”

and leaves for helen’s

the distance from helen’s to june’s is not a normal person walking distance but june is not a normal person, and she is running after texting quentin to make absolutely sure he’s okay with this harebrained scheme

she has some series of vivaldi concerto playing in her headphones and she’s already halfway there before she notices and she has to stop bc she’s doubled over laughing

and like, she can’t believe she’s really doing this, i mean sure things are kind of already poly on helen’s side, what with the weird nerd thing anthony and sally have so it’s not that she thinks helen will be weirded out by that it’s just that it’s been three years and some change and she’s risking SO much on this and she’s finally saying something, and, vivaldi is still playing

she doesn’t have the heart to change the song after that and so she keeps running

and so she shows up at helen’s and she’s like, one of those gross people who looks more beautiful after they work out

and she takes out her headphones and she’s like, apologizing for being out of breath and helen’s like, “you have a REALLY nice car and you RAN here.”

and june’s like, “i had to????”

and she comes in and helen already has their tea ready and it’s done just the way june likes it and they sit down at the table and june is like, shaking. she won’t even pick up her cup bc she knows it’ll rattle too much

and helen knows something’s up and she doesn’t say anything she just picks up june’s hands and holds them to steady them

and june says “helen, i- i didn’t really think this through, because i don’t think anything through, but, i’m here and i might as well just,”

she takes a deep breath, “i’ve kind of been a little in love with you, like, forever? and it wasn’t until last year that i realized how much and then i was with quentin and then you were anthony and things were really good and i didn’t want to ruin it but then like, it occured to me that it could be possible to have both ? maybe? if you want that? and if not that’s okay and if i tanked my relationship my favorite person in the world i’m so sorry,“

and helen, who has not let go of her hands, is smiling her shining heavenly smile

and she says "darling, it certainly took you long enough”

and june, for the first time in her memory, cries

and they spend the rest of the afternoon cuddled on the couch and they don’t talk as much but helen does text to make sure it’s okay with anthony, who just sends back

“finally”

(ofc helen told anthony that she liked june ages ago. he’s as observant as a brick he had no idea june liked helen too)

(but sort of like how she knew june was bi before june did, she didn’t say anything to her bc june is the kind of person who can’t be told things, she has to go her own way (which is the slow way)))

(but helen is a goddess and she has the patience of a saint so she waited, and boy did it pay off)

additional june things:

june is really good at time management

she’s also very tall- that’s the first thing you notice about her. the second thing you notice is that she’s rich.

you know this because of her sunglasses, her purse, the way she stands, the way she looks down her nose at you like she’s just a litttttle more important than you are

she has a lot of hair. it is long and luxurious and curly and it falls around her face when she pushes her sunglasses to the top of her head

she’s kind of streamlined, like, aerodynamically efficient? like she toned herself to cut through the air and probably your face

she wears her hair down in school and up when she works out and when she is nervous she twirls and twirls and twirls

and her tinted lenses she uses for reading do not come with her to school because she is afraid of exposing weakness

she has greenish blue eyes and she doesn’t break a stare and her eyebrows are always perfect

she dresses half masculine and half feminine

she loves white tank tops and jeans but also

soft floral dresses and blouses

she really likes combat boots

she 100% owns her position as the Dad Friend

bridget got her a shirt that says “Dad Bod on fleek” and she wears it unironically

this also means she does view all her younger friends as her kids and absolutely responds to “dad” or “pops”

she recently developed a close friendship with anthony but neither of them will ever admit that’s what it is

they have, surprisingly, a lot in common

when it gets rough at home they meet at the gym to box

anthony brings gatorade and june brings music

fighting each other is better than getting in fights at school, of course

(helen is the one who made them both get gym memberships and she is quietly very happy that the two of them hang out, even if they’ve never exchanged a single nice word)

one time june tricked anthony into buying three matches from her at five dollars each

one time anthony “accidentally” gave june a black eye

june and sally tolerate each other, which mostly includes them making fun of each other’s heights

her and esther are finally in a good place too

and there is no one better to plan a prank with than jack wyatt

june is still kind of in shock that she’s dating two perfect humans

despite her haughty and conceited attitude she sometimes wonders if she even deserves them

but they remind her that she does and she is happy

though the dynamic is really so different with each one

oh and OF COURSE quentin and helen never have any reason to be jealous of each other

they know that june has enough love to give for both of them

[apocalypto12related]

Do all of them!

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?

Ye! Sammy! @deziac

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Um... My family, probably, and no.

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Kitty! I love kitties!

4: what’s something you really want right now?

an apartment. on a less serious side, um, glasses???

5: are you afraid of falling in love?

Nope! I already have and since we’re poly im sure i will again owo

6: do you like the beach?

so/so. depends on my mood.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

um... a pull out sofa, does that count? i have a hard time sleeping unless i can fully lie down.

8: what’s the background on your cell?

my old phone was tony my new phone is space. not sure what it’ll be soon. >w>;; considering i need to redownload all the stuff i got off tumblr. :’( i lost all my snapchat stuff, but i moved all of izaya to my computer so that’s fine.

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?

what??? O_o; um... a homeless shelter’s bed and other than that they were all my own??? (not counting the “bed” made of sheets at the one place.)

10: do you like your phone?

i just got a new one!! uwu It has 32GB with it’s own internal storage and I have a 32GB sd card. nwn;; So I have a lot of space~! plus it has a fingerprint sensor and im in love with unlocking it like that owo

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

prolly not, but when do they?

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

sammy! bc we both got new phhones!

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

i heard poodles have bad temperaments!! idk about rottweilers!! whichever one is nicer??/

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

emotional!! physical heals!! short time span for pain! emotional might not go away!

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

DONt mmake me chosoelk??! i love both!!! i lovemy fluffy butts and i went to the met in new york!!! it was so cool!!! swords!! armor!! egypt!! aahhhh!!! i cant choose!!

16: are you tired?

im always tired!!!

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

um... well it’s sammy

so uh, ten years in march owo (technically december was the first time we met!! but we count it as march since that’s when he started talking rly)

18: are they a relative?

no!!

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

it depends on if they changed their personality!! if not then no!! i mean i did get back with sammy but yknow we just count that as a break since we did actually get back together lmao

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

this morning!! she is at work so she’s not too talkative rn!

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

we’re fine with what we’re at!! i don’t need to marry her to make it ‘official’!! we’ve lasted almost 9 years and through some big hardships!! both of us unmedicated and dealing with new medication changes, so i think we’re fine!!

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

of course!! :P

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two!! my blue sylveon bracelet (i love sylveon, i would wear umbreon but i think i packed it!!!) and my pride rainbow bracelet! i took them off when we were looking for a shelter bc i was scared we’d get denied if they saw obvious gay signs :(

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

not directly!! something along the lines of that there is no set path in life you have to choose which ways you want to twist and turn and they’ll lead you onto new and bigger things.

25: what’s on your mind?

music! stuff for my phone! i have a lot of stuff i need to add to eeet!! it’s only a day oolllddd.

26: do you have any tattoos?

yes! it’s for my kitty who passed away! Her name was luna. I’m sure i’ve posted a picture somewhere.

27: what is your favorite color?

#00C5FF

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

prolly tonight. owo

29: who are you texting?

Sammy owo

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

probably?? lol what.

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

YES ACTUALLY D: idk if it happened any other time, but when we got into the car accident when I told our one friend we were joking about her coming up and hanging with us all my brain said was ‘You shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that.’ and again when we went out to the car and it was pretty heavy snow fall. I was like ‘I shouldn’t go.’ my problem with that one was I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t think ‘we shouldn’t go’. but... what can you do now?

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

um. i don’t think i have a super close opposite sex friend. closest would probably be @h0bsyrup

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I’m sure Sammy does. >w> I’m not sure otherwise. My followers don’t tell me that stuff.

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes omg. Sammy was staring me in the eyes the other day and was like ‘your eyes are pretty’ and i’m like ‘omfg shut up >//

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

if they’re not dating then she’s gonna punch their lights out, so i don’t have to worry.

36: were you single on valentines day?

November 24th, 2008 is when I started dating Sammy. You tell me.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

... of course?? wtf is with these kiss questions.

38: what do your friends call you?

Kiki :D

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

lil bit.

40: have you ever cried over a text?

Um... probably. I can’t remember.

41: where’s your last bruise located?

omg... um i guess undermy belly button is the latest bruise??? i have a lot atm from surgery and being motionless for four days!!

42: what is it from?

Sammy actually like harshly pushed on that area. like when you go to land somewhere with your full weight then you go ‘oh fuck’ yeah.

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

um... recently??? but i guess not as bad as with my mom.

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sammy owo

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Nah.

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No.my hair style is like 99% bun.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

i dont follow trends i set them.

48: do you make supper for your family?

not recently but i would for sammy and i usually

49: does your bedroom have a door?

i don’t have a “bedroom” atm e.e

50: top 3 web-pages?

tambo.c0m (tumblr), archiveofourown.org (ao3), youtube.com (the three i use the most anyway)

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Sammy. xD at least food shopping.

52: does anything on your body hurt?

Abdomen. (:

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

it depends. if it’s unnecessary then prolly. if they’ve fucked me over idc. (i.e. my family trying to replace my mom’s abusiveness, fuck them.)

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

prolly water owo

55: how is your hair?

it’s feeling fine, thank you for asking!

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

it depends! if it’s my “morning” i wake up and usually bathroom.

57: do you think two people can last forever?

sure but it takes work. it’s not gonna be perfect 24/7 without communication or compromise.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

ye. omfg why would you give me nightmares. that’s when i started the rping side of myspce and met that douche wesley. his lying ass made me start self harming. fuck him.

59: green or purple grapes?

i don’t eat grapes .w.;;

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

sometime in the future! prolly sammy!

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

in an apartment. >w> or at the pompeii exhibit!!!

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

possibly today

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

lying in bed. :D

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

struggling to be alive. (eating chocolate chip muffins)

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

oh god. w8 no. i didn’t like anyone yet. that started like october or shit. ugh my ex. he became an ass. (aside from sammy obvs)

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

sammy!!

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

um... i don’t think so. i think we were both too tired and stressed. we didn’t get into bed until like 1 and the shelter has us be out of beds by 8:30 x3x;

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

um... ‘i should go back to sleep’ after waking up a third time and distracting myself with the phone

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yeah,but at least i tried.

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

it’s not *my* computer, so it doesn’t count! ;D (8 but im downloading music stfu)

71: how many fingers do you have?

i have 10. my one pinky counts as a half finger sometimes though. i broke it and bc i didnt have insurance i never went to a doctor to get it fully take care of so it healed up all wrong.

72: what is your ringtone?

default at the moment!

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

oh fuck i’ll be 24. man if you asked me that back in june i’d be like ‘still 23 (;’ but no. my bday is december

74: where is your mum right now?

She passed away. :/

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

I realize that as much as I wanted to believe it was love, it never fully blossomed into that until I was with Sammy. I don’t think I’ve truly ever gotten to love anyone else, but that’s okay.

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

of course owo sammy and i are hella gay don’t u know.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

i believe so owo we just don’t talk as much bc im a lazy sack of shit.

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

fuck. i think i had a minor crush on some dude who also liked green day but never fuckin talked to me so i never bothered. that might’ve also technically been when i started liking wesley. does billie joe from green day count?

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

personally? uh.... i’m not totally sure o-o; fuck me man.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

probably wait yes. sammy. spooning is our fave position.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

e.e no one that wasn’t a celebrity. 

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

no bc shelter e.e

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

:P i talk to them everyday.

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

i wouldn’t get drunk! i wouldn’t scream at ppl! that’s rude! ppl usually can’t even hear you when you yell at the window! we hear ‘whoosh’ with your voice in the middle’

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

i would be concerned since she’s said she doesn’t like them!!

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

um... oh! a conversation started and a lil girl asked if we were in a certain theatre and I said ‘no we were in theatre blah’ so I asked what they went and saw. She said “Wonder Woman” “hey we just came out of that, too!” :P

87: who was your last received call from?

.3.; sammy

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

i-i’m torn??? i needm oney but poor butter-san... ;____;

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

money. clothes maybe

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

yeah. lmao.

91: do you sleep with your window open?

i usually do! esp in the winter/summer! need air and love cold!

92: do you get along with girls?

ye!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

no. owo

94: does sex mean love?

no! sex is something that can bring someone closer, but it is not necessary for a relationship! 

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

>3>;;; again, no.

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

owo; indirectly. i shared a drink with someone who had one. xD

97: did you sleep alone this week?

not this week! :D last week. ;~; at the hospital.

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

yes. >3>

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

no!!! that’s not love!! you might end up loving them but you can’t love someone unless you know them!! :c otherwise it’ll lead to some bad decisions!! D:

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?

OwO Sammy I think.

[shadowtongued]

Meta: GALRA and similarities that Galra and Mahjarrat share.

send me a topic to write a meta about my muse on(no rly plz. almost anything is fair game. even grody/gory/immoral/nsfw shit. help me world-build a species/character with like hardly any lore)

forewarning: not all answers to this meme are canon, some is headcanon based on personal interpretation. differing opinions are a welcome thing here/on this blog.

blue, this is the fucking best question :,,)c , i s 2 g . this right here is one of the main reasons i NEED™ to sit down and write out a VLD verse bc, tbh, there are A LOT of similarities. some i probably haven’t even thought of yet.

i had waaaay too much fun with this. this was a fuckin’ 10/10 question.

- both are very warlike. galra more militaristically so, but mahjarrat parallel in the factor that where there’s a fight, there’s a chance they are interested. their whole home environment of freneskæ was essentially ‘if you survive maturity, congrats. you’re still eligible to die in a rejuvenation ritual for the better of us all. make sure you contribute to an enervation ( their breeding ritual ) so we don’t go extinct. no one really cares about what you think about it all.’ i have a feeling they would agree whole heartedly with zarkon’s statement of ‘weakness is an infection’ and the galran concept of ‘success or death’. they make it pretty culturally obvious through their rituals that only the strongest get to move their species forward and it’s super canon that despite the factor there is >10 mahjarrat left ( RIP what’s left of my baby boy tbfh post-endgame), those >10 are very intimidating and powerful through years of culling and being the winners. put it this way, unintentional genetic/natural selection took place and even their rituals ( which was stated after they were introduced, they literally built their culture around the rituals ) are super political; post-zaros’ banishment/post zamorak’s ascendancy and the factor that they SPLIT into two ‘political’ sides you win a fight and you kill the sacrificial kin/show your prowess over the others, you get to be closer to the ritual marker and get most of the energy. you drag ass and barely survive or just sit there and agree sycophantically with the others on a decision on who dies; you get to be in the back line and get just enough to get you through the next five centuries, sucks to be you. should have shown off and taken a risk.

- i’m not in the recent season yet, but from spoilers, i get the feeling in the past before the current paladins, zarkon/some galra were decently peaceful. which is cute. it kinda makes me realize before seren ( look, i love her but her choices had a huge impact : ((( ) showed them the rituals in order to preserve mah ( mother mah the stunted elder god who created both zaros, seren, and the four tribes, is by far my favorite ) the mahjarrat and other tribes were probably nothing more than little, confused nomadic people, worshiping their creator, who were probably hardly violent, if at all. seren’s implications of using the rituals to find a balance between the safety of mother mah and the four tribe’s population/creation to cycle energy between them all went haywire and ended up breeding hatred, spite, and hostility between each other, even what ‘family bonds’ they have are very, very fucking shoddy ( i.e; they aren’t above sending their relatives to slaughter: zemo turning on his cousin lucien ). it’s much like the headcanons i adore from you and your friends where some galra have no problem assassinating each other if they want a military rank freed up for thier possible taking.

- physiology wise? it’s not really too fuckin’ mentioned/paid much mind in RS but some mahjarrat look super fucking different from each other ( uhhh, pre-god, mahjarrat legatus zamorak has totally different horns than most of them and hardly any skull ridges ), hazeel bby obviously doesn’t count with his Massive Horns™ because he’s a Transformer: Mahserrat in Disguise, but some mahjarrat really look like they can physically differ a lot for being one tribe, out of four ( unless there actually was some form of breeding between tribes before they all in unison decided to Hate Each Other, we just don’t fucking know lore wise when it comes to pre-ritual/early freneskæ life ). just like how there are so many different galra traits, mahjarrat in RS kinda are streamlined for the sake of just….. being lazy and reskinning facial models, but i’m very sure and headcanon that some of them look vastly different from each other. i mean look at fucking azzy’s goddamn glorious chinspikes compared to the rest of them. look at how fucking towering at 8″ zemo and lucien are to the average 7″ of the rest. look at how only certain ones, sliske included, have more pronounced, horn like first ridges on their skulls. look at how some have one crystal in their forehead, and some have a whopping four or more. BREATHES DIRECTLY ONTO AND KEESES THIS CONCEPT ART OF MOST OF THEM.  i could go on. but in short, they have a lot of various species traits like galra. i love it. i love them both. they both have fucking wicked teeth and eyes. i’m 100% sure most galra could look at sliske/any mahjarrat and go ‘what fucking hairless subspecies are you?’ sans his obvious obnoxious yet fantastic taste in clothing, he physically might fit in**. low key strokes those stripes, don’t get me started. ** also, uh, there are so many inconsistencies in RS lore/concept art, i don’t at all accept that slissy has a fucking Stereotypical Villain Goatee™ in my linked fav artwork. he has nice chinspikes, not facial hair…. mahj just…. don’t…. fucking…. have hair. it’s not canon to me personally. we don’t talk abt that inconsistency, just like i refuse to believe in his horrendous endgame model and 360 personality change…… endgame sliske who???? who’s that??? i don’t know him??? n e ways…..

- they both can rely on energy sources: quintessence and the raw elder energy. galra can survive without it obviously versus mahjarrat very fucking much having a need for it lest they become skeletal and not as powerful. but it’s still neato they can absorb that tasty energy. 

- this is half baked and more of my yelling at a screen, but the druids totally, straight up, without a doubt, reminded me of mahjarrat. i remember just seeing that first fight between keith and the druid and later shiro with haggar and yelling in my room. the teleporting. the magic use. THE FUCKING SHAPESHIFTING AND ILLUSIONS. all of that is hallmark mahjarrat strats and i was just sitting there like (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و !!!! 

[theboykingofhell]

a few months ago i made the decision to never ever be involved with any production that depicts slavery. i decided i never ever wanted anyone to be able to imagine me as a slave and that it was a kind of trauma i never wanted to inflict on myself by having to imagine myself in this role

learning to take care of myself in the roles i chose for myself and how i’m viewed by other people is something i’ve slowly started to do considering my habit of retraumatization

meanwhile i also find my writing and my acting to be very cathartic and i tend to gravitate towards expressing my trauma through my art. i just finished writing PRETTY damn explicitly through the worst experience of my life into a play that will hopefully be thrown out into the world and performed by next year. i constantly use those feels and channel that into my performances. i try and make my trauma useful for me

so to me, playing the role of an abuse victim is nothing. it’s fun, i always think more dramatic serious roles are more fun to play and i have fun doing it

but i’ve never had to? yknow. witness myself in the act of it. it’s always me safely whizzing through an ounce of what i’ve been dealt my whole life

when i auditioned for this role, my director described my role as the ‘secret weapon’ and that that position as the secret weapon appears around ep 3 of the show

now LOL SPOILERS TO THE SHOW FOR PPL WHO WANNA WATCH IT BUT

episode 3 is when my character starts experiencing pretty heavy domestic abuse. which is what was filmed today

and what was interesting is, well, the footage we got. and what’s interesting is later having a conversation with my baby sister about how much she hates those kind of storylines. and what interests me is how much male writers just... throw this kind of stuff in for, idk, shock horror i guess? and how much idk? i’ve allowed myself to go through it?

i’ve been dreading this shoot for a while because, lets face it, directors have a bad habit of disrespecting their actors. we’re just EXPECTED to do the most with very little in return. i’m lucky enough that i was already pretty heavily trained in combat because the combat in the show wasnt choreographed and was actually expected to be, and was, improved for the most part.

so, what ended up happening was the director just letting the cameras roll and seeing what happened when this very angry man got to lash out against someone he’s supposed to love

and MORE SPOILERS LOL

my character ends up? staying with this character, which i hate. they don’t seperate her from her abuser. he gets help for his alcoholism which is the root of his violence, WHICH IS GREAT. he goes into recovery. he fixes himself. that’s all nice and good but? she? is the victim and she just? is expected to stay with him and support him through this? she literally has a line in the script that goes “if you do this once, you’ll do this again” but then... stays with him.. for the rest of the season

and i get it, it’s realistic. plenty of abused people stay with their abusive partners for a very long time

that doesn’t mean,,, we gotta,,, keep showing it,,,,

see im just kinda rambling about this because idk. 

i got some footage, right, some behind the scene stuff of them flming the ppl filming us. im still debating posting it tho because, tbh, its rly weird just watching myself getting beat up like shit is twisting my stomach to listen to... so i guess good job me A+ on the realism but also, again, is it rly necessary to have this big drawn out scene depicting a woman being abused by her boyfriend,

i do this shit all the time in theatre and its fine but omfg the second its recorded idk it just adds this.... element im not used to IDK MAN.... i cant tell if its rly as voyeristic it seems to me atm because i’m sensitive about the subject of physical abuse or because it... is...

it just UGH it’s annoying that my director acts like this is some big revolutionary thing, like, you’re not the only one who is having their female characters beaten the shit out of so idk if you think this is some big twist out of nowhere.. god idk