#i rly told myself this year i will get down to it and work on everything

[puphoods]

OC masterpost :)

egressregress- a short story centering three people in a post-apocalyptic society trying to survive the world and each other. cooper, dahlia, and elliot are three people largely isolated from any other survivors because of their own choices and are stuck relying on each other, despite the distrust and hatred they hold for each other

ITAFD (short for "is that a fucking dog?")- zoey is working the graveyard shift one day when she witnesses the fall of an angel. after finding out that this angel is tied to the recent death of her twin brother the two, along with a demon who claims to have the answers they are looking for and a terrified pizza boy, set out to find the cause of her brothers death and to try and restore the angels place in heaven

unnamed story 1- claire foster has spent years on his own after his actions lead to the death of his father. after meeting a young woman named amber, the two and their group of friends get caught up in a turf war between a local vampire coven and a mysterious, underground group rumored to be seeking immortality

unnamed story 2- an elite team of scientists and soldiers is sent to investigate a newly discovered and rapidly spreading disease that is rumored to cause rapid physical mutations to the host. the story follows leah, scientist on the team, as she tries to conduct her research while hiding powers that seem to have ties to the disease

unnamed story 3- a game where you help rebuild a mostly abandoned town, meeting, befriending, and maybe even learning to love the variety of monster people who live in and come to town. with a large list of possible residents you can choose from you will design your own unuque town as you farm, cook, trade, build, and design homes for your new friends

[placeholder name] the party- a point-and-click style game where you play as a university student named katherin who is stressed out at a house party and trying to find her ride so she can go home. explore the house and have conversations with people from her life from both the past and present, helping other partygoers on the way

misc other- [this list will once i finish ideally have links to separate posts with more in-depth summaries and descriptions of characters. this section will contain other ocs without their own contained universe or ones without much worldbuilding to it just yet]

[midnightwriter21]

Sanemi, Shinobu and Obanai x Giyuu little sister reader. Reader 20 and 1 year younger than Giyuu and is the Polar opposite of Jim like she very playful and curious but also very loving to him and he spoils her. She a civilian who owns a tea shop. May I have headcanons with her and those three and Giyuu reaction to each please?

demon slayer hcs: sanemi & shinobu x giyuu's little sister!reader

characters: sanemi, shinobu, giyuu

warnings: mentions of birth control in shinobu's (idek if that needs a warning lol)

AN: pumped this out at 3am lol, ill be doing obanai in another part!

SANEMI

your relationship was such a slow burn lol

when he finds out ur giyuu's sister its an immediate disliking on Sanemi's part

but are we rly surprised?

dude HATES giyuu

you spend a lot of time with the hashira

and you've become good friends with them so you're always around when the hashira are all together

they all adore u

you're sweet, funny, outgoing, confident

basically everything that giyuu isn't lollll

you brought snacks from ur teashop to one of the lil hashira hangouts

and you couldn't help but notice sanemi absolutely stuffing his face full of the ohagi that you brought

but who can blame him?

he might not like you but he never said you were a bad cook

and ohagi is his favorite

a couple days after the lil hangout

sanemi gets back to his estate after a mission and finds a cute lil basket adorned with a bow sitting on his doorstep

he picks it up and looks inside and its full of ohagi

after he goes inside and devours the whole basket

he finds a note at the bottom saying "enjoy <3" signed with your name

thats it right there.

the way to this mans heart is thru his stomach fr

now

when yall are dating dating

you keep it quiet

none of the other hashira know

and giyuu CERTAINLY doesn't know

until one day you're working at your tea shop and sanemi walks in to pick up the lunch that you made him

now me personally... id turn into a professional cook for this man

5 COURSE MEAL FOR EVERY MEAL

anyways

its not a busy day at the shop so he walks into the kitchen to find you cooking

and this man is HANDSY

so ofc he grabs you by your waist and pulls u into him

and starts feeling you up good lord please i want this so bad

you hear the faint 'ding!' of the bell above the front door

but pay it no mind assuming its a customer

and then the kitchen door opens

and everyone freezes

cause standing in the doorway is your older brother

thats the most expressive face sanemi has ever seen on giyuu

dudes eyes are wide as saucers

mouth wide open

shook af

like "dawg don't you hate me and everyone that associates with me?"

like "you have basically cursed my entire bloodline"

"you told me to off myself because im me"

and sanemi is just "i hate you not you're sister"

and goes back to feeling u up totally ignoring giyuu's presence

giyuu basically just moonwalks back out the door

and pretends he never saw any of that

lol i love them XD

SHINOBU

now shinobu liked you from the second she met you

she went to giyuu's estate to get him for a mission

and walks in to find you teasing and mocking tf outta ur older brother lmao

ofc she joins in

throwing in some teasing remarks of her own

poor giyuu lol

she is a frequent visitor to your tea shop

cause instead of making medicinal teas herself, now she can just get you to do it

plus she gets to see her favorite girlllll

now

the way giyuu finds out is too funny

you are in the infirmary at the butterfly mansion

dw ur not injured or sick or anything!!

now...

you're sitting on the bed waiting for shinobu

when giyuu walks in

and he's like "wtf are u doing here"

you're explain your business to ur brother when shinobu walks in looking down at a needle saying

"alright i have your birth control shot! not like you need it... i can't get u pregnant"

she looks up when she hears a 'smack'

and there you are with ur hand slapped to your forehead and a bright red face

giyuu just looks between you and shinobu with a blank face

before he passes clean out

dude hits the floor hard lmao

when he wakes up you give him an explanation

and then u and shinobu tease him for passing out

lol dude can't catch a break

[chronicpain-itsastruggle]

Third surgery of the year went rocky yesterday. I have cried a lot in the last 48 hours. My mom and husband came with me and my mom was able to stay with all the way up to laying down for surgery bc babe had a therapy appointment i wanted him to go to and he agreed. My nurse was so nice and sweet but she tried and failed once to get my IV in. Then the anesthesiologist came in and was a very quiet man. And he sat and picked and prodded at my right hand for about 30 minutes. He tried twice with a lidocaine shot each time before he finally got an iv placed on the inside of my right wrist the third try, also with a lidocaine shot first. I sobbed the whole time. I barely remember walking to the surgery room and laying on the table. Then i woke up holding my moms hand so confused and then in 10/10 pain in my left arm where they took more of my arm out. I screamed and sobbed in pain. I asked Mom “where is Tyler?? Where is babe?!” I didnt even open my eyes i was crying in so much pain. My mom told me they couldnt reach him and i sobbed even harder, terrified. Tyler walked in abt 3 minutes later. His phone wasnt getting calls and he literally sped from home when he saw the voicemail notification. They held my hands as the nurses pushed a bit more pain and anxiety meds and i sobbed in pain. It took a while to get me to Tyler’s truck. I puked twice before i got home, revisiting the apple juice i had tried right after waking up and coming to. Once home i slept a lot on the couch. In and out of consciousness. Tyler stress cleaned our kitchen building our new shelf for our pantry and even selling our dog crate we’ve been needing to sell. So he was very productive awesomely while i was in and out of sleepy town.

Our dog Jupiter, his timing impeccable as always, had diarrhea and pukey all night so we were up every twoish hours having Tyler take him outside again and again. I woke up each time but had to stay on the couch. It was a very rough night.

Today has been the day after surgery and the pain has been so severe. I am staying on top of my pain meds. And thankfully i have been able to eat and drink just fine. The pain is just incredible and severe. We had to take the bandage off and clean it tonight and i sobbed thru the whole thing in agony. Tyler was so patient and gentle with me. I was so brave and its rewrapped and I’m back on the couch calming down while i write this. Im exhausted and it hurts and im so glad i gave myself a month before i go back to work because this is going to be a long recovery.

If anyone is so inclined or wants to: my cashapp and venmo is @ earnham and literally anything will help. I am having to spend so much on medical supplies and dont know when my fmla will actually go thru. Im also going to link my amazon wishlist eventually with a bunch of melanoma gear for this summer but that will be closer to my bday in June bc thats what ima be asking for this year, is help with anything on my wishlist.

This isnt the point of the post i rly just needed to vent my past 48 hours. Thanks for reading if u did.

[fuwaprince]

hey. are you okay friend?

No, I'm not and c'est la vie! Sometimes you're okay and sometimes you're not. Thanks for checking in sweet friend 🫂 I hope you're having a beautiful day! 💕

Yesterday I helped Mr. Leonard deep clean his home that we're still trying to save and this morning I unfortunately headed back to the hag house I reside in! He was so nice. Sent me home with half his cookies and told me to share with the people who were kind enough to give me a ride. I didn't even mean to stay over last night but I was just so tired after cleaning... I slept for a whole 10 hours! Kind of a miracle for me. I must've been comfortable

Soon as I got back to the hag house and started to microwave my usual (a single jumbo corn dog), I was rudely interrupted and told by the biggest bitch here that I am no longer a part of the household even though I am living here for the next 30 days still???? They can deny the reality (that I have been part of this house since the day I moved in) and believe in whatever delusion they so badly want to- fine!!! But the sucky part is that they say I can no longer help myself to the food my fucking rent covers because of that decision... Wackadoodle :/ Funny how the carpet slides around. They're literally fattened up by greed. They're willing to starve me down to nothing if it means I'll die faster than I can move out. Whatever it takes to drive me away I guess since the other terror tactics just didn't work! She was giving me attitude and rude comments. Other housemate blasted trans hate (happy pride btw). Got defensive af over their food in their kitchen :/ whatever

Good news is that I reapplied for food stamps after a friend motivated me to. I'm fucking praying that this time my fucked up mother doesn't sabotage it by denying me my fucking mail again like she did last time which resulted in me starving/withering all summer of last year! I should've had it this whole time... Hopefully it gets processed soon. Phone interview will take place once the weekend is over... I hope there's a way to expedite it.

If I had my own PO box then I wouldn't have to depend on my mom actually giving me my mail... I don't have a key and don't live there with her anymore but this mailing address won't work. The people here tamper with my belongings out of hate. Why? Who knows. I try not to think about the whole "what if I was a pure white lesbian instead of a brown trans traitor? Would they respect me then?" rabbit hole. I don't care. Even if I was respectable to them, I wouldn't be their friend based on how they'd treat others. Anyways, yeah. Coming back home sucks. People are mean. My heart rly hurts and keeps acting up. Stings and feels like I'm going to pass out from time to time. It's hurting more than usual and bothering me as I type this

My on and off boyfriend also texted me saying he got hit by a car a few hours ago (he's okay, apparently.... Although I question since he refused to go to a hospital). Stresses my poor heart out to hear that tbh. But yeah. Maybe I'll go on a night walk or something. I hate this house that I'm in. If Mr. Leonard lived any closer I would just walk back there and beg him to let me in. I would feel better if I was out of here and around compassionate people. I'm gonna be okay

[neopuppy]

You seem like you know a lot of things, so hope you dont mind me asking but do you have any advice for someone trying to get over someone? If youve been in that situation what’s something you did or told yourself that helped? Im struggling🖤🥲🥲

idk abt that, im pretty stupid(and ok with that ngl) some would say…..im a bimbo maybe /flattered/

and tbh, I still spiral over guys from like… middle school!!!! I dont think u ever fully get over someone. especially if ur like me and steal bits of their personalities to impress them🧍🏻‍♀️

there are so many bands and movies I cannot watch or listen to without thinking abt the men who have shattered my soul and ripped my heart out to stomp on over and over again that introduced me to those things😂 its kind of cathartic…

idk I saw a tweet abt how behind every cool girl is a cooler girl she stole her personality from and im like not me, no sir, I stole my personality from many many different men I wanted to love me cnenndndnxnd, and im ok with that!!! bc im rly cool💁🏻‍♀️

I can literally look at photos of myself from different yrs of my life and think ‘this is when I was in love with **’ 🤣

and trust me some of these dudes hurt me so bad I wanted to give up on life. I never thought I’d be that stupid girl that acts dumb and foolish over some guy but love will make u do things u always thought u were too good for😭 love will humble u. its a part of life and the human experience unfortunately. its beautiful and tragic and sucks, no matter what.

U probably never rly get over someone, just like death, u never rly recover from the loss. U just learn to live with it and a year down the line u might not even cry anymore, u just feel a sting of pain and numbness for a minute or hour and continue on with your life. it doesnt go away but its not the end of the world, and likely will happen again, and someday you’ll understand that there rly are a lotttttt of fish in the sea, as they say. if things dont work out with one, u will find somebody else eventually who will make anyone from ur past seem obsolete.

[ev1llesb1an]

Documentation of my comphet throughout the years 🧍‍♀️

Okay so I thought it’d be funny to talk abt my most intense male fixation eras as a lesbian (idk i’m just shitposting into the void again) judge me all u want (it is probably needed) but i need ppl to understand the real me 🙏

IT CROPPED HALF HIS FACE OUT but i just realised if you aren’t british ur gonna have no idea who he is anyone (he’s lachlan white from emmerdale) omg this was an ERA everyone around me thought i was going insane (i was) but like they just didn’t get it he slayed so hard at a level that will never be reached (literally) also tom atkinson on sex education was like a full circle moment for me omg but anyways i was like 11-12 here these were literally my formative years this changed me FOREVER don’t judge he slayed omg

THIS okay so u can’t even blame me for this one it’s just correct. yes he’s like walking masculinity stereotype BUT he also had depth and was interesting 😌 the fanfics were SO GOOD this is when i really got into fanfiction and accidentally read smut where someone get pregnant in the hunger games 🧍‍♀️i read this one fic that was like x reader AND THEY STRAIGHT UP BOTH DIED but anyways. i read fanfics abt literally everyone thg character (read abt women and convinced myself i was still straight lmfao) but he was the stand out for me. i recently revisited this era and the fics ppl write on ao3 r INSANE omg like what is wrong with u ppl ( i say this lovingly but also wtf )

OMGOMGOMG BEST ERA OF MY LIFE u actually don’t understand u just had to be there. a solid percentage of my brain even to this day is made up of this man. this is like the stupidest thing ever but when i was like 14 i would just mirror his personality (and tone down the arsehole part obvs) so that i could get more talkative AND IT ACTUALLY WORKED nobody in the whole world will ever understand how much he means to me (i don’t rly understand it myself tbh) and ik ppl literally fuckinf despise him but i will not tolerate the dandy mott slander bc he is literally part of my core identity atp i revisit him every few months just to fully reconnect with my inner being. did anyone read Companion? that shit was crazy also i wrote a fic abt him on wattpad and people actually READ IT so anyways best era of my life it truly never got better i rly hit me peak (i had 0 friends) the few friends i had literally told me i talked abt him too much and it made them like me less 💀

this was arguably my most chill era like yea i was pretty obsessive but with marvel it’s so normalised to be so intense abt everything i kinda just fit right in. there’s too much professor fanfiction r u ppl okay 🧍‍♀️ also more actor fanfiction than i have ever seen for any other man in my LIFE but the capitalism went hard during this era the fluff was so good. arguably my most comforting era? idk i can’t rly explain that one

okay so these two r kinda completely different but also (for obvious reasons) the exact same. gotham was my most openly gay era and for that i will forever be grateful HOWEVER the kristen kringle haters were doing WAY TOO MUCH like she’s already dead why u doing her like that constantly (u will see this sentiment echoed later abt someone else hmmm i wonder who) but yea and then YES i was a paul dano lesbian (literally wasn’t out as lesbian at this point lmao) honestly this is probably the era my friends hated the most they would either awkwardly pretend to agree/care abt the shit i was saying or straight up tell me i was delusional 💀 my friends even now still call it my worst era but i LOVED IT kinda solidified my position at the bottom of the hellish secondary school hierarchy but i still had a good time. the paul dani riddler fanfics r next level tho the way ppl would just post STALKER fics constantly with like zero warnings and it was never labelled as yandere 🧍‍♀️i also got in an argument with a writer on wattpad bc they made the riddler and the oc have like a 6 year age gap and they met when she was 10 and he was like 16 💀 other than that good vibes all round

tbh this era was pretty brief i can’t fully explain what happened here like the vibes were immaculate but also insane WHY IS THERE SM YANDERE FANFIC peter parker is so nice but then in fanfics it’s like 👹 but i rly like spider-man HOWEVER this then led me to my final destination on the comphet journey…

omg were finally at the final stop the peak of comphet ( i came out as lesbian within this era ) arguably not my finest hour bc i swore i would never watch criminal minds bc the number of seasons is WAY TOO MUCH but here we are i watched it bc i read too much fanfic abt this man. i have lots of criticism for the fandom but he in himself is acc a rly good character. this was supposed to be like my ethical era but he’s acc killed like a bunch of ppl and thomas gibson is MESSY (don’t cancel me pls i say that lovingly 🫶) the haley hotchner misogyny nearly killed me off i don’t think i’ve ever been so miserable in a fandom and the fanfics kinda take feminism back a few hundred years but pretty good besides that

anyways there is my brainrot i hope the two (at most) ppl who will read this enjoyed 🫶 LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO im gonna say i posted this in honour of international lesbian day even tho that was several days ago

[iluvferretsandsouthpark]

so in the last post i said i'd explain the situation, but do excuse me if my grammar is bad.

so recently i've been having trouble with a "friend" that i'll just call 'Z'. For context i am actually in my teen years, and when i first be-friended Z i worked up the courage to show her the dip art, and she cringed at it, and that was first time i questioned myself for liking dip, but that was only a small part, and that wasn't what made her 'fake'. She almost all the time put me down for my interests, or just made me feel hateful to myself, for example she'd sometimes fake laugh at my jokes and get my hopes up only to stop and make me look stupid. She'd also draw pictures of me ugly and with crazy hair, and she only really talked to me in science class, basically making me feel like a "back-up friend" for when she was bored in science. She also had stolen project ideas from me and got credit for it.

Speaking of projects this is one of the worst things she's done. So there was a group project, and she picked me as a partner, and if you don't know me, i felt excited and didn't turn her down because i like feeling needed, and i had to partner up with her and had to leave my bestest friend to have into a group of three 😢. anyways it was the night before the due date and before at school, i specifically told her that she'd make the scripts and i would do the labels and when i asked her to send the scripts so i can edit them she just kept denying, and telling me she was gonna do it for me and "I should just be grateful that she was doing it for me". Another thing about me, is that in group projects, i want to be a big part of it, because if i don't i feel like shit 🙃, and it makes me feel lazy and worthless. And i was telling her this repeatedly and she kept blowing me off and telling me to calm down and i don't have to even do anything, and i was having a mental break down. later i got to the point where i got so angry that i cursed her out on text, and i felt like a horrible, shitty friend. and that next day i apologized but she never apologized to me, she just said i was fine.

anyways there's still more but that's only if you guys wanna here, sorry for this being so long.

but i just wanna say thanks for all the support i get from all of yall, you guys are the only reason i haven't quit on my interests or ditched drawing in my art style. And even small compliments on my drawings or artstyle make me happy 😊.

(thanks @spawnoferis and @ilovepippirrip for the small comments they really meant alot to me <3<3<3)

[dogfags]

blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi there, I totally understand if you don't/want to answer this because its a stupid story in which i am a stupid person who makes stupid decisions despite knowing better, and also didn't do the right things at the right time. i am going to also navigate my moral failings at a point which ig might be a seperate ask idk we'll see. also its a whole long story and i have some kinda problem where i struggle to work outrelevant information, i'll prolly realise and then send a shorter ask later.

this time last year I slept with someone that had active herpes sores. they were on their first outbreak and were taking an anti-viral to deal with the symptoms. As a teenager I went through a brief period of sleeping around a lot after the end of my first relationship, with pretty much total strangers (i was around when you could use tinder as a 16 yr old, if that dates me at all) and at a routine sti appt several months after i'd 'calmed down' a nurse took a swab of a sore and said there was a good chance it was herpes though it might be too late to tell (clinics were once a week where i was and i wasn't prepared to travel 20+ miles on public transport to get it right time-wise, i know, wrong and i am sorry). the test came back negative but i just assumed i had and didn't get a blood test because of everything i'd been told about herpes. never had another 'outbreak', any signs of one i was straight on that bus and it never came up positive.

Fast forward to the future, I had had one partner that i disclosed that i may but had never had a positive test and we used protection every time. It really harmed my self-esteem and i felt unable to start another relationship after that breakup because disclosing felt like such a nightmare (I still feel I messed up in disclosure, even though they had coldsores on their face before we met, idk) but i then met this person, and we got on really well and as they had gotten theirs from a cheating partner, i felt like i should be as supportive as possible, especially considering at this time i also considered myself a person with herpes. I wanted them to avoid the shame and 'unfuckableness' i had been stuck with for years. When they said they wanted to fuck me, I went with it. I wanted to use protection, and they tried to talk me out of it (yano, feels better kinda thing) but i stuck with it because there are other reasons. The second time we slept together i caved to them though.

it ended up helping me though, as after they ghosted me for a month (i got covid rly soon two days after we last met and told them, then there was a kind of radio silence) i met another person and disclosed to them and they were cool with it. They got tested when they went back to their home country 1 and 3 months later they were clean (other than ureaplasma but we don't test for that in my country so idk what to do onthat one).

I then decided to get my blood checked (igG) because i thought that i needed to be able to show people that i absolutely had herpes rather than feeling like people werent believing me (?) when i told them, which ig they were because i said 'i have herpes' to them but idk a document seemed more official. and then i wouldn't panic about lying to people accidentally or w/e. this was before twelve weeks from sleeping with person A so when it came back negative i was thrown horrifically. At this point it's worth mentioning i quit alengthy and pretty horrible drug addiction and ended up sleeping with the person I'd asked to look after me in this time (again with protection) and several weeks later i remember feeling like i was going to die when i got tested again, twelve weeks after contact with person A. I was so relieved because I didn't want to hurt the person that was looking after me when i was getting clean, especially as I had failed again.

So i am with no positive blood test, I am thinking of getting another test again because i still can't bring myself to be near another person in case i give them herpes. I was just wondering if it was worth it, if even if i was carrying it i might not have antibodies because the virus was being 'covert' or something. yeah i guess that's my question. does exposure mean infection, do i need to disclose that i know i have had contact with herpes, will a test do anything?

anon this has had me, my housemates, and my group chat absolutely agog for the last 25 minutes and counting.

if you've had multiple negative tests then the odds that you have herpes are extremely low; it's very unlikely that getting bloodwork done will find anything different. having sex with someone who has an STI is not a guarantee that you will catch it, and if you've never tested positive there's no need to tell partners that you have herpes because that's factually inaccurate. having had sexual contact with someone who has herpes does not make you inherently risky.

it's worth noting that even if that were the case, then functionally the entire population of sexually active humans would be at risk - it's estimated the between 60 and 90% of adults globally have herpes, which means that nearly every sexually active adult must have had at least one sexual partner who's infected.

I don't like to armchair diagnose anyone with anything because that's not my field and it's none of my business, but it does maybe seem like there's some shame around sex here that's being channeled into the belief that you must have herpes. clinging to that belief isn't actually helping any of your partners or, crucially, you. I wish you nothing but health and safety as you work towards sorting these feelings out.

[sparklywatercolors]

if i may say something. it takes a flower only a few weeks to grow, meanwhile a tree it takes years and years. Would you say the tree is lazy and terrible because it takes so long? no, because all thigns grow and live at there won pace. This isnt even accounting for outside factors. do not measure your own growth against the growth of others, it is unfair to yourself. especially if you dont consider outside factors and things like that. you are growing at your own pace, be kind to yourself because you deserve it.

I needed to hear that, thank you. I have just been through so much, I feel like I'm still a little little sapling (using the tree example). I think I was overreacting earlier, because you're right. I have been growing. I often tell others that everyone has their own lessons to learn in this lifetime, and yet, here I am wanting things now now now, but I always get hit with roadblocks. I think I need to be more patient with myself. Cause I took it slow with applying to internships, and here I am as a technical writer for a small start up that barely got traction, and my article got them like 10x the amount of readers they had before. (And also my team is rly nice and :((( so encouraging i love them all). Last year, I was allowing some real gross people in my life, allowing them to physically, mentally (you name it!) abuse me. But now I don't take that shit. I have been learning my boundaries. And also, I do so much to help others, sure I don't have a job right now, but that doesn't mean I never will, that doesn't mean the research and volunteer work I do, means nothing. Hell, a few weeks ago, my one environmental group had a Zoom meeting "awards" night. And I was voted as the kindest editor. Who cares about the award, I got to hear the reasons why, I broke down SOBBING. I was told I never give up on anyone, no matter how "bad" they're doing. And that I made everyone feel seen and heard and valued. ((My supervisor had to ask if I was okay, because I was blubbering during me saying thank you, i love you guys so much. )) I have to sit and wonder, why don't I do the same for myself? Why don't I make myself seen and heard. Sure I keep a diary but, it's mostly me talking about others and their accomplishments. I think I might need to treat my smallest accomplishments as a big deal. It might seem silly to some, but as someone who is just *going through it* I think it's a great idea. But thank you for this. <3.

[orbees]

2022 overview 

this year... where do i even Start with this year. it went by fast but also felt like an eternity. in terms of just Bullshit the universe threw my way, it was by far one of the roughest. struggled with literally Every aspect of life this year. but also the fact this Isnt the worst year of my life... i think ive come a long way w/ coping and i am proud of myself for hanging in there despite Everything 

and for all the shitty, awful things that happened, there was a lot of good stuff too. i finished my practicum, which sucked ass, but i also finished the first half of my internship which was HARD but went much better. its kinda Hard to put into words but i rly struggle a lot w/ feeling incapable of well... Anything, and this goes Beyond disability tho it certainly plays a role. its more like i just feel myself Inherently Inadequate, due to Personal Flaws. but time and time again, i prove myself wrong, and are able to do much more than i thought i could.

and at the same time i dont wanna make it seem like Grinding myself into a paste was a good thing. i shouldnt have to Be so resilient, but i can admire the strength i have in doing so. its like i often contend a lot w/ feeling like this World doesnt want someone like me. it often feels like i am trying to jam a square piece into a triangle shaped hole. its like the hole shouldnt be so hard to get thru to begin with, but i am proud of myself for Trying despite

a lot of growing pains this year, a lot of putting myself into new and uncomfortable situations. getting my first job basically thru my internship, leaving the house regularly, interacting with people Daily... i am The autistic hermit so adjusting to this was. Difficult in ways that word cant even begin to describe but i did it regardless.

i even have began taking steps to live More authentically. the Autism is a big force in my day to day, and i burn myself out trying to Mask so ive rly just wanted to start letting myself Be. i still have a hard time with this but ive taken some pretty big steps. i told my supervisor that i am autistic which i NEVER thought i’d be able to do, and i am still very very proud of myself for doing that. i want to be able to create a space where i dont feel the Need to hide so much of everything that i am and i feel like i was able to lay out a lot of the framework for making that possible. i am proud of myself for working so hard to create a better life for myself Despite everything trying to pull me down

in general ive just done A lot of work on myself this year. contended with a lot of personal truths. i gained a better sense of who i am, what i am, what i can do, and what i WANT to do. ive faced off against a lot of my demons this year, and still have plenty more fighting left to do, but i feel proud of the person i am becoming. i feel more complete & whole, and have a better understanding of what i am worth. i am excited about my growth going into 2023! its gonna be a wild year for me i just know it LOL

my resolutions:

1. read more

2. create more just in general

3. take my big scary exams 

4. graduate

5. learn how to drive >:(

6. in learning how to Juggle the everything i noticed i started isolating myself a bit and this is something i wanna Change

7. be kinder to myself

i also cant rly Find a way to work this into all i wrote above in a Pretty Way but i rly wanted to take a moment too to talk about my friends. i struggle a lot w/ feeling Alone, have my entire life, but i feel as if it is Getting better. like i have a better sense of who my people are, and where i belong <3 its hard to find the words that convey my sincerity without sounding trite but: ive received sm love and support this year, as i do every year ofc but with this year being So Hard for me, its really meant a lot. i am very thankful for my friends and love them a lot. thank u all sm for everything. here’s to a good 2023 i am manifesting this for all of us 😤😤😤

[lgndrymuffin]

Warning: Pretty sure I have (quiet) bpd. I also haven't seen my therapist in 2 months. Keep that in mind if you plan on buckling down for this whole vent.

Trying rly hard to convince myself that it is not in fact entitled of me to feel disappointed that I was alone all day for my birthday and just got told almost two weeks later that we (my sister and HER friends) would celebrate, only for them to say that they wanted to do smth else so we couldn't do what I actually wanted (literally just play cards against humanity) but I could go with them with 30 minutes notice? And then my sister is gonna be bitchy that it took me too long to reply when I literally went to bed bc it's 7pm so I assumed we just weren't doing anything?? And then also be bitchy that I don't want to do that???

Like I can't even really be mad at her friends bc like they have no obligation to me, I'm just the autistic younger sister. I'm just honestly disappointed in her, bc

1) I actually did stuff for her birthday. We got food, drinks, I made a giant cookie ice cream cake. She had a boyfriend to take her out and I even let her wear my clothes for the date bc she never does laundry and didn't nag her abt it when she didn't give my dress back for a month.

2) My birthday was a complete afterthought to her. The day of, she came home with a grocery store pie at 10pm. Which, like, obviously I'm grateful for, it could have been nothing. But still.

3) it's like she didn't even try to get these plans sorted until the last possible second again, even on take 2 with 2 weeks of prep time knowing what it is I wanted to do.

4) I'm 95% sure the one and only reason she suggested plans tn is because she felt guilty last week that she convinced me to take her to a restaurant bc she was "hungry and on her period" and then said she didn't have any money so I'd have to get it this time and she would get these plans that we're not even going to now. (Our dinner the other night was 115$. Tonight's plans would have been max 60$ for BOTH of us).

5) Pretty sure that because I said no to the things I didn't want to do, we're just literally not going to do anything now. Yay.

And like it's not even actually about the money or anything, I just wanted to spend time with the very few people I care about. I'm just sick of her always overpromising and underdelivering.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be made to feel special 1 day out of the fucking year, and the only person who did is my not-yet-boyfriend, and I still can't even see him because he's not home yet. He's been gone for 4 months, and I miss him, and he was supposed to be back on Monday, but he's still not home. And now I'm working and school starts for both of us next week and I'm scared that it's going to be like last semester and I'm never going to get to see him and he's the only one that I have here.

And on the note of him supposed to be back Monday. My sister is disgusting to live with, which is a whole other fucking thing. But that's the reason I haven't had him over here ever. And I've straight-up told her that. I even gave her advance warning that he was supposed to come back, to give her time to clean because, and I cannot stress this enough, it is literally all her mess. I made it clear that Monday was the earliest hé would be here, and that it would in fact be a continued occurance. Not only did she NOT get the house clean, it didn't happen because she kept saying she would today, today, today, until it was LITERALLY THE FUCKING DAY OF. Then she gave a shitty, half-assed apology before leaving the house about how she couldn't get it all done. All that was done was the bathroom BECAUSE I DID IT FOR HER, when the kitchen is the most disgusting fucking part, and the first thing you see when you open the front door.

And then because I said he wasn't coming that night after all, she went right back to being a fucking slob, like him not coming Monday meant hé never will be. Nevermind the fact she could at least keep it clean out of respect for the fact that she's not the only fucking person that lives here, but no. If I say anything about, I'm being a bitch because she's "trying so hard" (she literally said before we got this place she would hire a cleaner or figure smth out to avoid this, trying to make it seem like i was gonna be at least 50% of the problem when it is in fact 80% her. We've literally lived here 8 months and I've been able to use our kitchen a handful of times, bc it is always disgusting because of her and she only cleans it up just enough to cook for herself and then leaves even more mess behind.

I'm just so fucking done. At this point if it wasn't for my cat, I'd just be living in my car.

[foxfirexo]

How do you manage to be so confident in speaking to strangers online? (Lo siento if that sounds dumb)

ehehe not dumb at all!!! ^^ thank u for the question i actually work rly hard to be more confident so the fact that u are even asking that makes me feel rly proud that i come across that way hehe

honestly online is easier than irl but for both the mindset shift ive been trying to make for a while (the past year esp) is to just... not giving a fuck ab what other ppl think of what i say. i mean as long as im not forcing myself on anyone then if somebody doesnt like what i have to say, then they can just... not interact with me? and ofc if somebody explicitly told me to stop doing something or fuck off i will respect them 100%

but ya the way i see it is (1) if i do or say something that somebody doesn't like they can either just tell me to fuck off or we can talk it out but also on top of that (2) im not gonna worry ab somebody being upset by me acting in a way that is authentically me bc why the fuck would i want to be around someone who only accepts me watered down/with some persona on

so ya that is a very long winded way of saying i just say fuck it and if someone is uncomfortable with me they can tell me to stop or to fuck off or whatever and ive lost nothing bc if they dont like me being me then they werent someone i want to interact with in the first place :3

incidentally this actually saves you and everyone around you a lot of time and energy too bc being just totally unapologetic and authentic means you will nearly instantly filter out anyone who shouldnt be in your life and you will be left with all the people who you absolutely 100% totally vibe with and i have to say, from experience, no matter how scary it is you will be SO much happier bc it is just so incredible to be surrounded with exclusively people you are on the same wavelength with (not that u have to agree on everything but yk). no more wasting time getting to know somebody only to months later find out you dont get along, this way you will find out VERY quickly

hope that answers ur question and i hope that maybe this inspires u to be a bit more confident <333 just be u!!!

[rosefromc0ncret3]

i barely ever post on here. and when i do, its always when i have a lot on my mind. a year ago, i moved back home after getting a job opportunity in sf. its the position i always wanted at the school i always wanted to work out. i was so excited yet so scared at the same time. it has been quite a year. professionally and personally. professionally, i dont think anything could have prepared me for this job. a lot of moments where i really had to ask myself if i was fit for this position. if it was what i wanted. and if it was even the right decision to come back here. i found myself missing a lot of my socal life. kinda looking at it thru rose tinted glasses. are there aspects of my life from down there that i miss? all the time. but i also have to remember the fact of how hard it was to be on my own, physically. even when i would distract myself and find time to indulge in my hobbies, it would still be difficult to avoid the thoughts in my head. and the overwhelming loneliness i felt. i am glad to be back home for many reasons. but its been hard from living by myself to back to sharing a room with my sister in my childhood home. i love being in close proximity to things and knowing this town like the back of my hand, but i cant help but feel like ive regressed sometimes. it feels like i still have the behaviors i had when i was a teenager, especially when it comes to the arguments i have with my parents. it gets rly frustrating sometimes. becuz i am considered an adult. but not to my parents eyes. but i guess thats how it will always be. how do i become my own person and have my own life without forgetting where i came from? and without forgetting that my parents are also human and gave me what they could while i was growing up? sometimes, it feels like i am having to parent my own self again when it comes to having to unlearn certain ways of thinking.. habits.. the way i talk to myself, etc. it is really difficult. and i see how much it still affects me. but one thing i always tell myself is that i cannot keep blaming others when i too have the power to change that. i guess i am just too into processing my own feelings lately. today, i have felt really lonely again. and that i am wasting my life away. ive just been at home. not really sure who to turn to these days when my close group of friends have their own lives. not sure if anyone knows or remembers i exist sometimes. i know that folks are busy, but i have always struggled with taking things too personal. i feel like this shows up when i feel like i am always the one reaching out or when i dont get an immediate response from people. but again, i know thats just how life is as we get older. i have unfortunately always felt like this. and it really causes me to spiral sometimes and makes me scared that people do not like me as much as i think they do. im not sure why or how i always let how others perceive me affect the way i view myself. and not just from day to day to life, but at work too.

imposter syndrome has been so real in this job. struggling to figure out the right decision, constantly juggling the heaviest situations at the site and consulting with diff folks.. making sure kids are heard and felt safe. unfortunately, sometimes it felt like one of those things had to be compromised in order for another thing to work out. i never felt like i could win sometimes during this past school year. this has been the most challenging year in my career. but it has also been the one that has been giving me the most growth. there were moments where i would be happy after talking to my coworkers or students that served as a reminder of why i chose this field. and then there were moments where it was like.. fuck this all the way lol. i am always told to give myself grace, but how. how when there are so many things going on. sigh. i hope that i can continue to improve going forward. i also dont want my fears to take over so much that i become what i am afraid of. i know that sometimes you just have to jump in it and be about it. in a little over a month, i'll be back in it. maybe during this time i can give myself time to reflect and figure out how i want to fulfill the role after this past year. this may be strange to say.. but i felt like this is the first job where i felt like i excelled. in my previous positions, i felt confident and i knew that i was doing a good job. this one makes me feel opposite. how do i tell the voice that that is not true and to instead challenge those thoughts? it just gets really difficult. but i suppose its easier to sulk in your thoughts instead of having to take action. but i know that wont do any good for me. sigh.

i have been trying to find ways to take care of myself and still stay productive this summer. i have been getting back into an exercise routine, which does feel good actually. going to different cafes have always been a hobby of mine. i just came back from new jersey last week and that is always fun. taking time to myself and trying to rejuvenate my inner being. even if its just for a little bit. these feelings that i have basically vomited out always come and go. but when its here, boy is it present. and it becomes hard to get out of. i hope that with time and patience that i'll be able to let go of these feelings and trust that things will work out. i was watching a documentary the other day and they said "i would like to think that things happen for us and not to us" which is actually something that my previous boss told me. i think about that quote from time to time. but funny enough, i felt like hearing that in the documentary was a sign for me. like a confirmation that things will and always work out.

[thatonesystemig]

Lmao I just had a flashback but it was a little funny and not rly traumatizing + rant I wanna get out bc dumb flashbacks

It shall be under the read more

Okay so like. I had a flashback of my ex calling me being like "do you still love me" like a month after they broke up w me and saying yes bc I was afraid to say what was really on my mind. I find this funny bc they'd say shit like "oh I don't love you as much as our other partner but one day you'll get there eventually" like why tf do you care??? You also got into a new relationship the week after we broke up and bragged about it so LMAO

Like there was so fucking much I held back from saying in that relationship like. The fact I didn't say what was on my mind the majority of the time bc I was terrified of them. I was terrified of them being angry w me and triggering me by yelling at me/talking down to me per usual.

I lied to them so much bc they were angry w me no matter what I did and never trusted me so what was the point in being honest w them about how I felt if they were gonna yell at me about it and trigger me. I stopped telling the truth bc every time I did they'd get mad. I could never tell them how I really felt bc they'd get mad at me and yell at me.

Hell I couldn't even have a breakdown without them both yelling at me and telling me how selfish and embarrassing I was for doing it.

Or them telling me I did it on fucking purpose for attention. At one point I just lied and said yeah I totally did it for attention so they'd leave me the fuck alone.

They wonder why I stayed high most of the relationship. I'd rather be numb than put up with the constant arguing. Numb is the closest thing to being dead anyways lmao and I constantly wanted to die bc of them. Yet I never gave up bc I fucking loved them and was under the illusion they loved me and I felt obligated to stay with them because they put in my head that I was so much effort and work. They made me feel like THEY stayed with me out of obligation too. "Love is a promise". But I can only blame myself bc at one point I relied on them too heavily and went to then for everything under the sun then they resented me for it and it's my own damn fault

"I love you you just make me so angry" - one of my exes

"Oh I bet they only get angry with you so much because they love you so much!!!" - my other ex

Funny now that I'm in a normal relationship with my fiance......he doesn't constantly get angry and I'm not anxious any time he texts me like I was with yall.

How tf did yall think it was normal in a relationship to be constantly angry and yelling and arguing with your partner and going as far as to tell them "oh I don't love you as much as him but you'll get there at some point!!! We just gotta build it up!!!"

Yeah

Since I couldn't express these thoughts to them I'm getting them out on this tumblr now as kinda like a personal journal.

They like to pretend that they did fucking nothing wrong, tell our friends I'm spreading rumors when they know what they fucking did, and pretend to be oh so hurt when they never acted like they cared in the first fucking place ahahhaha. To them I was just a sex toy and emotional punching bag.

I was so anxious every time I went to their apartment bc I felt unwanted. It was always so awkward. I could tell that despite being with one of them for 10 years and the other for just 3 I was a third wheel.

I should've listened to all my friends telling me how shitty they were to me. All the family members. All the fucking girls he did it to too.

I wish I could've ended it just 1-2 years in to the original relationship.

Would've saved me all this trauma and getting an official CPTSD diagnosis ahahhaha. Maybe I could still work a normal fucking job and be a functional human being without constant nightmares and flashbacks and thoughts.

They live in my head constantly. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth fucking going on to live with the trauma despite my life being better than it ever has been. My psych told me it may take many, many years for it to finally dull to the point where it doesn't effect me so much with the shit they put me through, and to just keep Journaling and keep up with my meds and etc. She said there's a chance it may stay with me for the rest of my life. And what fucking sucks is I FINALLY overcome my childhood trauma then the trauma with them hits and keeps hitting. Harder and harder. Each day.

I don't want to call what they did abuse but my psych says it is, otherwise it wouldn't have effected me so badly and caused me to have CPTSD.

My life has been a constant train wreck up until recently. I have a lot to live for. My fiance, my kids, my family, everyone in my life. I have a huge support system and I'm so lucky for it. But it gets so fucking hard to cope with. And I wonder if despite how great things are going, if it's worth living the rest of my life in this misery.

No I'm not actively suicidal. For the first time in my life I don't want to die. Again I have shit to live for, plus God put me here for a reason. Another thing is, like my friend brought up, is spite. I'm spiteful. If I died I know they'd get some satisfaction out of it knowing that they won and I'll keep a majority of the shit they did to me to myself so I keep on living. I keep on drawing. I keep on making the best out of the shitshow that the trauma causes in my brain, all out of spite babey.

Am I gonna pubically humiliate them? Am I gonna call them out? Am I gonna go into deep detail about all the shit they did to me and not just graze the surface? No. I'm gonna take most of the more traumatizing shit they did to me to the grave. Mainly bc it'll give them some resemblance of power over me, theyll feel this sense of winning over me, and they can twist the story to be "oh he's mentally unstable and spreading rumors" just like he did with the rest of the fucking girls. The 3-5, idk i lost count but a lot of em tried to warn me and ill forever hate myself for it. What i dont get is how that many fucking girls came forward and i was too stupid to listen bc he convinced me they were just jealous. I only blame myself. And I fucking hate myself for it and it's part of what drove me into psychosis for a few months.

But I am going to rant about a few things they did and how deeply it effected me, and I feel this is a safe place to do so as I have like. No followers and no one rly reads these things lol.

This is more like a journal than anything. A blog I plan to show to my psych so she can adjust my meds properly and do a lil bit of therapy with me.

Idc what they tell our friends anymore. Idc if no one fucking believes me. I know the truth and so do they. They can twist it however the fuck they want but that doesn't change that what happened happened and what they did effected me like this, regardless if they think I'm "over exaggerating" or not

Fuck yall for making me feel like I was so broken that yall loved me only because you were obligated to do so.

"Love is a promise" right???? Oh wait I'm sorry I mean "love is an obligation regardless if you despise and resent the people you love or not because theyre oh so broken and would fall apart without you"

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

6 months.

it's been 6 months since i said 'yes' to this boy.

6 months of play, of getting to know myself, of getting to know each other. i guess i still feel the hesitation towards this relationship. i realised i don't feel a sense of 'all-in' or '100%' as i would have with the previous boy that i really liked - but i'm also quite uncertain why. i am aware that it is not meant to be compared apples to oranges, but deep down, i'm a bit confused as to why i feel this way. 6 months of play, of getting to know myself, of getting to know each other. i guess i still feel the hesitation towards this relationship. i realised i don't feel a sense of 'all-in' or '100%' as i would have with the previous boy that i really liked - but i'm also quite uncertain why. i am aware that it is not meant to be compared apples to oranges, but deep down, i'm a bit confused as to why i feel this way. regardless, it's been 6 months - and i said 'i love you' for the first time.

it's funny even with all the hesitation, 'i love you' was something i was pretty confident to say. i saw the way he loves me. since starting my career, he's been nothing but understanding. he is willing to hear all about my cases, he starts the conversation now by asking me 'how was your day' - after i told him i would appreciate if he says so first. he patiently waited for me even after my easter production rehearsals, picked me up from work and ensures that i get a proper meal. i may not be 100% confident - perhaps because his walk with God isn't as evident as i've anticipated my future partner to be. i can't help but compare, but yet the way he loves me - seems so sacrificial and willing. back to the two deal breakers, here is an update: 1. he initiated to start a book with me (James!) but we didn't go far after i mansplained to him in thelogy terms haha. but apparently he went to read it all on his own. i see that he is trying this whole christianity thing, and he even told me himself: i am a christian, i think the whole catholic thing is so structured and God moves a lot more evidently here. OH and also, he's attending YA summit, so yay?

2. acceptance with his family is slow, but it is getting somewhere. i met his parents for the first time in the new year (2024), and ate with his father. his mother is still taking time to warm up to me, but she bought me a bracelet when they were in the phillppines. his cousin and i hung out, and i think she enjoyed it. she also acknowledges that his mother can be a bit, protective.

so i guess you could say, there is somewhat progress. perhaps it is not a steep growth, but there is definitely some form of growth heading in a positive direction. for some reason, i'm sensing a huuuge bulk of hesitation. but i am still unable to pin point why. i told myself to give myself 6 more months, so i guess here we go. but i guess the reason why i was willing to say 'i love you' first was because: 1. i knew he was very ready to say it from the start, and he wanted me to say it to know that i truly meant it.

2. i might have a lot of hesitation towards this relationship. but he has been consistent, and i do look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.

3. i felt that saying those three words first, would have been a significant move for me, to show him (and more so to myself) that i am really, attempting to be serious in this. well God please give me wisdom, because i dont rly know how to navigate where this is going haahha. please show me more in the next 6 months with the 2 points, i could really use it. amen.