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babydollangelica · 4 years ago

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Well, Hiee people! This is gonna be my first post ever and I am not sure if it is a good Idea starting off with an angst, but I am dedicating it to a Yagi Toshinori/All might oneshot! Since its my first time on tumblr, please pardon any mistakes. I initially wanted to put it as Y/N but since its kinda gore, it didnt feel right.

Synopsis : Some Regrets will never leave you.

This event was placed during the time Bakugou got kidnapped and All Might used his full potential and lost his One For All against the Villian All For One.

Warning : angst, sexual assault foul language, gore, death.

Pairing : Yagi Toshinori/All Might x Fem/OC- Ayame

Original Villian Thorn

It was just another day for Ayame. She hummed and watered her plants. Ayame wasn't really special. Her quirk was mainly growing flowering plants. So she worked as a florist and grew various beautiful flowers. While humming she wondered 'oh, maybe tonight we can try out recent essential oil mix in the hot tub! Eucalyptus and rosemary will do well for toshi' she giggled and thought about all the possibilities after a hot tub would lead to. While Ayame was day dreaming, peonies bloomed all around the Flower Shop. Few locals who knew her very well called out "There you go again Ayame-san, are you missing him already?" She blushed and quickly apologized for the floral storm she caused. An elderly woman who was picking out flowers said "You don't have to apologize Ayame-chan you and your flowers are so beautiful. Your boyfriend is a lucky man. Ah..love. such a beautiful thing. Isn't it?" Ayame smiled and carefully handed the bouquet of white Lilies to her and said "don't worry about the payment Mrs. Ito" the elderly smiled and waved goodbye.

Ayame quickly closed the shop and headed home. She prepared the hot bath and some light dinner and waited for Toshi to come home. She noticed that Toshi was feeling low recently and wanted to do help him. She understands that although she can't fix his problems, she wants to be by his side when the going gets tough. So she patiently waits.

It is past midnight. The bath is gone cold. And so is the food. Ayame stomach growls woke her up from where she fell asleep on the kitchen counter. 'He still isn't home yet.' She gives him another call. And hears Toshi's cell ring outside the apartment. Frowning she walks towards the door and it opens, revealing a disheveled and exhausted Toshinori. Ayame gasped and held him in her arms and rubs his back. "Your alright. You are alright" she whispers reassuringly. He sigh "Bakugou is kidnapped and Young Midoriya and most of 1 A and 1 B are injured." She bites back tears, refusing to cry before him. "And here I am. The number one hero. Unable to do a thing in this state." He said bitterly and pulled away from Ayame's grasp. "Toshi, you-" He cut her off "we are making plans on raiding the place where Bakugou is kept captive. Momo smartly placed a tracking device on Bakugou. But the main issue is, All for one is most probably behind this. Ayame recalled the past conversation with Night Eye and looked at Toshi while she choked out "Toshi, no please don't" Toshi gingerly held her fingers between his own "This.....is why, we should have ended.....this, no. We never should have started anything to begin with. I should have never-" Ayame grasped his hand between hers and whispers "please Toshi, don't say this. Don't do this. We promised to be there for each other. No matter what the consequences were, we are going to face it together. Didn't we?" She kisses his finger, afraid that he may break out of trance and do what he has been planning to do. But Toshi pulled away again. "Ayame..... you are still so young. You still have so much ahead of you. I am nothing but a shell of a man, that may die tomorrow. Or soon. My power is not even my own, which I may lose in this battle. Please. Don't tie yourself down to me." She grabs hold of his shirt "Don't you dare say that! I am in love with Yagi Toshinori. Not because you are powerful. Or strong. But because you are you. I love you for who you are Toshi, and I am ready to walk down by your side to whatever path you have chosen. All I ask is for you to survive." Toshi grabs hold of his head "And you did Ayame! You have fulfilled it! You have walked down by my side. But I can't promise my survival. Which is why, you need to let go of me." Ayame rest her head against his chest. Tears running down her cheeks. "Toshi, my love... please don't" Toshinori gently pushes her away from him. He couldn't look at her. "Ayame, I am sorry.....Goodbye" he turns away and walks out of the door. Ayame froze. Tears streamed down her face as she whispered "Toshi..." getting back to her senses she rushes out of the door, trying to stop him. But she couldn't see him anywhere. She runs out on the streets in her nightgown yelling out his name. Searching for him. Asking the trees for help. But she never found him. Ayame sank to her knees and wails "Toshi, please don't leave me. Please" she kept crying in the middle of the streets. Her heart shattered.

The following day, the raid was conducted. Izuku, Kirishima, Todoroki, and Iida was able to rescue Bakugou while All Might intervened and fought One for All and defeated him. And in that process, he barely survived,completely lost his All For One Abilities and All Might's identity as Yagi Toshinori was now revealed to the world. But during that chaos, while all the Pro Hero's attention was on this raid, minor villains began causing havoc in most parts of the city. And now that the number one hero lost his power, doubt and fear began to rise in the country, feeding the Villians, making them more stronger. Unfortunately, Ayame fell victim to one of Hero Killer's followers, Thorn. And he has been keeping an eye on Ayame for a long time now. An obsessive psychopathic Villian who's quirk are Thorny Creepers. He made a pattern of her movements for over a span of 2 months now. Even keeping an eye on her ex-boyfriend. (Yes. He witnessed the whole breakup scenario) who surprisingly is revealed to be the former number one hero. With him out of the way, a perfect opportunity of having his way with her arose. He broke into her home and drugged her. The usual kidnapping tactic. Dumping her in the van, he drove away to the outskirts of the city into a dingy warehouse, he cuffed her with a power dampner and assaulted her, tortured her with his spiny creepers untill she was ripped apart. Her screams were music to his ears, while he filmed her. As she begged him to let her go, he began torturing her all over again. The very idea of hurting a former pro hero lover fed his ego. Ayame realized this and slowly turned unresponsive. It was the fourth day and he finally decided that since he no longer had fun, it was time to end her life. "You have served me well Little Flower. I enjoyed ripping off your petals. You look even prettier covered in blood. But its time to weed you out." All Ayame could think of was Toshi as she lay on the bloodied ground, trying to reach out to her pendant, while waiting for the final blow. 'I Love you Toshi' That evening while Toshi was recovering at the hospital, Naomasa visited him. There was a grave look on his face that made Toshinori heart drop. "Naomasa? What is it? Is Bakugou alri- "Naomasa cuts him off "There has been another crime by Thorn." Toshi Frowns "After 5 years? Are you sure its him?" Naomasa sinks in the chair "yes, the same pattern..but Toshi... I.." he takes a deep breath and says "this is hard....Its Ms. Ayame, we got the video from Thorn. They are still searching for her." Toshi's blood runs cold. He whispers as he jumps out of the bed "what did you say? I don't think I heard it right" Naomasa stand up "the Video was sent through her number. We tried tracking her cellphone but it was found in the river and-" Naomasa's cell rings. Time was suddenly slow for Toshi. He could hear his own heart beat. His eyes burned and when he closed it, all he could remember was Ayame's face when she hugged him and begged him not to leave her. Naomasa touched Toshinori's shoulder and said softly "They found her. I am so sorry but-" Toshi yelled "NO! No... No this can't be. I NEED TO SEE HER. WITH MY OWN EYES." Naomasa nodded. After an hour, they reached the warehouse. Toshi prayed for some miracle. Prayed that Ayame would be alive. There were police cars and Coroner's Vans. A crowd of people gathered at the distance. Murmuring lines of pity. But Toshi was numb. His face pale as he walk toward the entrance. Stench of Iron fills the air. And there, in the middle of the room lay a body twisted in a strange angle, in a large pool of blood. And he walked closer. And he saw her. Ayame. Lying on her stomach, but her neck twisted, facing upwards, her limbs flayed, while her left hand reached out towards the celtic knot pendant. The gift Toshi gave her a year ago. Toshi knelt on the ground and wailed as he reached out to touch her stiff hands. "Ayame, My Love, Please..." his words no longer sounded comprehensible as he choked on his tears. He began crawling towards her body, his trousers soaked in

cold blood.

The coroner who was collecting evidence protested but Toshi paid no heed as he held her up against his chest and whispered in her ear "your alright, you will wake up, you are alright my love. Now please, please wake up. I can't.....I shouldn't have left you. My love please. Please comeback" he kisses her forehead as he rocks himself back and forth holding her close to him. And that is when he see's it. There is a huge hole in her chest. He whispers "your heart..... where is your heart" he looks around and sees it pinned by thorny branches against the wall. He gasped "I am so sorry my love. I am so so sorry. I love you. I love you so much. This is all my fault. I should have stayed. I should have come back home early. My sweet sweet love. Please come back, please, I can't live without you. Please" The Coroner walked over to Naomasa. "Its been 7 hours since she passed away. And according to my analysis, she had been held captive for four days. Mutilated body and signs of resistance blows were found. We did find rubber between her finger nails. She was also sexually assaulted, so his Semen was found in her. There are also photos of her found on the desk. He has been preparing this for months now. Naomasa groaned "Yes. Parts of it was also shown in the video. He killed her because in the end, she showed no resistance." Upon hearing this, Toshinori slowly turns around eyes dangerously zoning in on the coroner as he seethed "Four Days? She was kidnapped four days ago? Tortured and raped.?" Toshi shivered. He could still feel the ghost of her kisses when she held his hand one last time. Every time he closed his eyes, he could still see her smile. Her sweet scent every time he held her in his arms. But now he held her cold body, he couldnt see her smile, nor the sweet scent. It was but the lifeless body and dead eyes that stared up at him. His heart slowed down. He kissed her cold stiff lips one last time. He gently closes her eyes. And weeps again. Yagi Toshinori screams. He may have saved the world, but he lost his. Regret is the most painful thing.

#toshinori yagi #bhna fanfiction #yagi toshinori #yagi toshinori x reader #my hero academia #all might #allmight x reader #all might fluff

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ivyuns · 4 years ago

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after hours ❆ ✰

han jisung

genre: angst and fluff

word count: 1.6k

warnings: language + self harm

A/N: since you guys asked for it, heres part two of moral of the story (: repost

listen to after hours by the weeknd

part one | part two

masterlist

thought i almost died in my dream again.

right after you left changbin’s embrace to hop onto your plane back to korea, he was furious. he didnt even knew jisung was cheating on you. as a cousin, he went to yell at your ex lover.

“han fucking jisung.” changbin muttered out. the younger one lifted his eyes and saw his hyung. quickly wiping his tears and waits for changbin to continue speaking. “did i just witnessed y/n catching you cheating on her? are you serious jisung? after everything she done for you, for us, and you did this in return!?” changbin ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh.

“i wont hurt you or anything, just at least talk to y/n and fix some things alright?” jisung immediately nodded as changbin left the room. jisung got up and changed into a casual outfit and met up with his manager to talk about some things.

without you, don't wanna sleep. cause my heart belongs to you.

after meeting up with his manager and convincing to continue the tour without him, he finally agreed. jisung dashes through the hallway, into his hotel room and gathers his stuff and gets his belongings then heads to the airport.

handing in his ticket and sitting in his seat in the plane, he pulls our your promise ring that you threw at him a few hours ago and remembers your pained face the moment you saw him cheat on you. the way the tears fell onto your cheeks. the way you wanted to hold back your tears but couldnt. jisung kicks the seat in front of him and starts bawling his eyes out, earning a groan from the elder who he kicked, immediately starting to apologize to the boomer.

wanting to fall asleep so time can pass by, only to have nightmares of you, taking your own life of his yet another stupid mistake. forcing himself to stay awake by looking back at all the memories you two shared.

baby where are you now when I need you most? i'd give it all just to hold you close.

after the plane has landed, he made his way out of the gate and hailed a cab and gave the driver the address of your apartment. few minutes pass by and jisung looks up and sees his destination. thanking the driver and giving them money and tip, he gets his stuff and unlocks your door. everything looked normal. you had to be here. quickly going to each room to see where you were, you were unseen.

memories start flooding in his mind and sees the first fight you two had. seeing your pale body on the bathroom floor. bunch of tubes connected to your body to regain the nutrients needed. he ran his hands through his hair and yelled, not caring about the neighbors. he needed to find you before his nightmare in the plane could actually happen.

i know it's all my fault, made you put down your guard.

he ran to the dorm, thankful you decided to live a few blocks away from them. taking out his keys to unlock the door and smells a familiar scent, knowing you came here recently. he goes to his room to see a box on his bed and the pictures hung up of you two hidden in his drawer.

seeing the note placed on the box made him feel even more worse. he let out another scream and pulled out his phone, seeing if you still share your location with him.

entering the passcode for his phone and opening his friends locator app. he searches for your name only to find only you can see his location. he threw his phone on the bed and fell on the ground. not knowing where you could be. who knows if youre in the streets all alone.

knowing if youre upsetting at something, jisung always knew you wouldnt have the appetite to eat and ruin your healthy life. even if you came back to korea a few hours ago, your body could make you sick, especially since you didnt eat anything before you left for japan.

i know i made you fall, they said you were wrong for me

remembering how you acted towards him after telling stays about your relationship with him made him guilty. he knew how insecure you felt since the beginning of high school. after the mean comments stays made about you, you felt everyone was coming at you and that you didnt deserve jisung.

until jisung stepped in and defended you. he brought in the light when you fell into the darkest time. even til before he cheated on you, whenever you would fall into a dark time, he would be your knight in shining armor and bring you back to light.

i lied to you, i lied to you, i lied to you. Can't hide the truth, I stayed with her in spite of you.

he knew he shouldnt had cheated on you. but something that jiseo gave him made him fall harder for her and started cheating behind your back. the times he cancelled the dates and plans was only to hang out with jiseo. with the excuses he used was just he needed to practice more or make a new song. all the lies he said to you. all the unsaid i love you.

you did some things that you regret, still ride for you. cause this house is not a home.

currently on the bridge you were sitting at, with the han river under your dangling legs and with park near the bridge, where you two met when you were a little kid. with a blade in your hand, you rolled up your over-sized button up flannel to reveal a fresh canvas to place the scars. each memory and tear that fell, you would cut into your flesh. you promised yourself you would never cut youself or try to harm you, but you felt weak and nobody was there to help.

jisung, who was running around trying to look at the places you would always go to relieve some stress or just for fun. remembering you would always go to the park next to the han river always made you feel so calm since it was the place you and him landed eyes on each other. running to the park, only to find nobody. looking up afar, he sees a figure. a very familiar figure. noticing the same flannel you would always wear.

making his way to the bridge, he hears the sobs which pains him. going up to you, he sees blood coming out of your fore arm. widening his eyes as he approaches you, he takes the blade and throws it in the river and hugs your trembling body.

“its okay y/n” he tries to make you calm. slowly sinking into the hug, relaxing. you then remember what happened. with your shaking body, you push jisung back to where he isnt hugging you anymore and falls on his side. “how can you say that as i caught you cheating on me?!” you yelled out, which you shouldnt have, making you see more than one jisung.

“y/n, let me explain!” due to lots of blood loss, you fainted. having jisung to press on your wounds and take you to the hospital. “please y/n, not again. please i cant lose you again.”

jisung waited in the waiting room with his elbows on his knees and bloody hands on his hand. as the doctor was walking towards him with papers in his hands, he stood up. “ah so jisung. y/n is fine but due to the lost of blood she lost which was almost half a gallon, she will be having blood transmitting to her body. you can go to her room now” jisung thanks the doctor as he pats jisungs back.

walking to your room, only to see you looking at the window. jisung grabs a chair and places it next to your bed. jisung grabs your hand and starts speaking.

“im sorry y/n. i-i shouldnt have cheated on you. if i didnt, we wouldnt have to be in this situation. i dont know why i did it in the first place but after seeing you hurt, it just made me feel so guilty. i didnt return you the love you gave me and seeing your pained face, i just felt my heart shatter. and after having to keep stray kids continuing their tour without me and coming back here to talk to you. just because i love you and i dont know what life ill be doing without you.”

you turn your head to see jisungs face full of regret of what he did in the hotel room. you smiled after hearing ‘i love you’ after months. “i love you too jisung”. he lifts up his head and sees you smile. he gets up and hugs you. “if you do this again jisung, i wont hesitate and break up with you.” and kiss jisung on his lips. he sits back down and grabs your left hand. “i believe you need to put this on again, sunshine.” and slides in the promise ring you threw at him.

and finally, he goes on his knees and pulls out the small black velvet box you found earlier. without jisung even asking, you immediately say yes. “baby i didnt even ask you” jisung laughs.

“i dont care, yes is my answer.”

jisung smiles and puts the engagement ring on your ring finger.

“thank you for this second chance baby”

sorry that i broke your heart, your heart. and I said, baby, i’ll treat you better than i did before, i'll hold you down and not let you go, this time i won't break your heart, your heart, no.

END <3

a repost since first try didnt show up in the tags but ty for reading

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shaillow · 5 years ago

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I recently had some major life changes. Things that I didn't think could happen, and things I thought I'd never be able to fix.

I recently let go of a friendship of 11 years, my best friend, my sister. I also started getting professional help for my mental illnesses. I would normally never admit to needing help, but I came to a point where I just said, "I can't fix this alone anymore. I can't do the tape and glue anymore."

In the midst of these changes, there has been a quote that I've clung to, because it struck me so hard when I read it.

"Only you can decide what breaks you."

That quote, it has been my saving grace. Losing that friendship was hard at first, almost unbearable. Then, I took a step back and realized the toxicity of it, the manipulation of it. Because I am introverted, she used it to her advantage, making me put myself into situations I would NEVER put myself in. The last straw was her abandoning me at a concert for the fact she didnt want to lose her spot. She would constantly get angry with me for not wanting to go out, go to parties, get drunk with strangers. She told me, "The reason you're single is because you'd rather read your stupid books then mingle with people."

Yes, yes I would. She then proceeded to tell me possibly the most heartbreaking thing you can tell someone who has buried 12 people before the age of 20. For someone who has dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts, and severe anxiety. For someone who has not been able to deal with the greif of losing those 12 people, because they all died within 6 years of each other, some of them just a few months after another. Someone who has been beaten, and broken, been taken advantage of, and had to put on a brave face because they were a caregiver.

She said: "You're exhausting to deal with. You're selfish, and rude. You hurt my feelings when you dont go out. You're flaky, you're just exhausting."

Those words, said in the middle of a busy Starbucks, broke me. This girl, who I had in my life for 11 years, could not see what was sitting in front of her.

She could not see the shattered bits of my heart being held together with glue and tape. She couldn't see me sleeping all day, waking up late, hating myself for doing it. She couldn't see the grief that was so evident in my eyes to everyone else that looked at me. She couldn't see the tape and glue that I fought so hard to keep in place, that I buried myself behind, fall apart. She couldn't see ME.

So, for the first time in a very, very long time. I stood up for myself again. I had enough. Enough of being walked all over, being friends with someone who couldn't understand why I was so sad.

For the first time in a long time, I said No. I said one of the hardest things in my life, as I believed I could fix myself. I was strong, wasn't I? Yes, and no. I was strong for what I had gone through, I was not strong for adding fire to the flames, for lashing out. But I was 14-18. I was young, and I had been through a lot, more then I would wish on my worst enemy.

I remember the moment that changed so many things. I was sitting there in my moms truck. She was talking about something, and I was looking out the window, at the hospital by the highway, when I turned to my mom and took a deep breath. She looked at me, concerned, as the look on my face was fear.

"Mom, I need help." I said, I remember how hard I was holding the door. Like I was going to break. But my mom, the woman who has never once judged me or belittled me. The woman who has ALWAYS supported me in whatever I did, smiled. Tears in her eyes.

"I'm so proud of you." She said, and I cried. I cried harder then I had in a long time. This massive weight had just.. Vanished from my chest.

I asked for help when I was ready, and I'm so, so glad that I did. For a long, long time I was lost. I was angry, I was hurt. I clung to all of the bad things that had happened, all of the rage, and greif. They molded me into the woman I am today, a strong woman. A woman who has been through hell, and came out on top with a scowl that said, "I can take more."

All of those things that I had gone through had become my armor. The armor I need at the time, and now.. I haven't lost that armor, I've just set it aside. I don't need it right now, but I will always have it. I am becoming.. A really great fucking person and no one, NO ONE, can take that from me.

So yes, I'm going to read my books, I'm gonna paint my fucking paintings. I'm going to stay home with my family, and go out with my REAL friends who love me for who I am. My friends who have been there with me at my lowest point, who wiped my tears, put my head up and said, "Keep going, I'm here."

I am healing my broken soul and heart, and I'm doing it all without YOU. I am great, I am kind. I'm selfless. I am brave, and strong, and most of all?

Only I can decide what breaks me.

#writeblr #writers #writeaway #written #writing #spilled ink #inspiredaily #positive mental attitude #mental help #stay positive #positivelife #sarah j maas

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chrobinrickhen · 5 years ago

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shit that happened

tw for child abuse, beating, physical assault, minor transphobia etc ///

my parents have been abusive to me my whole life. from things starting small with my mom treating me as her spouse and talking to be about things a parent shouldnt talk about with their as young as 3 year old child during times she was in fights with my dad, to while i was younger primarily beating me for simply crying at things (mainly in public places), the total and complete gaslighting of my abusive 5th grade teacher (which was somehow far worse than them lol) etc. however, they never seriously beat me before, as in, all out beating me up with continuous punches kicks and thrashing.

my mom would frequently slap me in the face or punch me once in the back at times as of recent during my years in high school where i struggled to my near (literal) hospitalization and death from mere over exhaustion and stress (i averaged less than 4-5 hours of sleep for all 4 years and my senior year i nearly didnt sleep At All) during my senior year my dad even threatened to kill me during one of my parents outbursts against me simply trying to reason (more like beg! lol!) for them to help me drop out of school because it was destroying me and was more and more traumatizing literally every day and they thought they were justified because “i was so close!” “youve already suffered for so long may as well stick it through!” despite my therapist and psychologist doing the best they can to tyr and get me out. my parents have punched a whole in the wall, thrown and broke things, (thankfully not at me) and simply just been physically threatening with destroying things important to me and my belongings.

however, after i graduated. and after i was diagnosed with ptsd. and after they seemed to become more understanding and learning from their mistakes i thought they were genuinely open to becoming better people and challenging themselves to listen to me and others.

this incidence proved that wrong.

itd been 2 years give or take i genuinely dont even remember what year i graduated lol since he threatened to kill me. i thought they changed and genuinely had formed trust with them that was slowly growing. and then somehow or another the topic of asylum seekers, ice, and the current concentration camps came up, to which my parents responded with some of the genuinely most vile words ive ever heard people say to my face. i dont even want to try and repeat it here bc im pretty sure you can get the idea. i calmly tried to talk to them, they started to scream, i went up stairs. they continued to shout horrible things to me, that again, im skipping over for my own wellbeing bc it isnt exactly fun to recount. something something “you havent sufferred through shit” she said to me at one point. yes, your child who has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, depression, panic disorder, ptsd, ocd, eating disorder general symptoms, a survivor of school abuse spanning my whole life for not being neurotypical and cishet, and a pending diagnosis for adhd, TOTALLY has not suffered.

anyway, i wanted to die. what they said to me, was so horrific i really just, wanted to die, i kind of lied about it on twitter saying im not actually suicidal dont worry but i highkey was and i dont wanna try and cover that up again. i just didnt want anyone to worry (IM OKAY NOW AND NOT SUICIDAL DONT WORRY this if anything was a good lesson for me to learn) anyway, i told them this. i knew it was kind of shitty and guilty but all i asked of them. is that even if they cannot agree with me, if they would at least care to listen to why this is wrong and accept that they dont know everything like they are convinced they do and yet accuse me of claiming i myself am.

i texted them, that long thing, telling them how i would stay in bed and not eat or drink (for context my sleep schedule was fucked the two days prior and i barely had eaten or drinken) my memory is fucked and i would have to check with my therapist if im confusing this with another instance bc im pretty sure the beating happened the day the argument did but i also remember staying in bed for mulitple days? but anyway thats not important fhdiujng so. they came to me and started screaming shit at me. again. horrible shit. their response to their child saying “im suicidal and would rather die than you be my parents any longer if you refuse to listen to why these people deserve to not be put in cages and die” and their reaction was not concern but screaming, insults, calling me a monster, a puppetmaster (the irony) and I DID NOT. SAY. A WORD. TO THEM. I DID NOT MOVE> i was. completely. still. the entire time. i was weak. i was sick. Literally from dehydration and starvation. and because i did not answer them back they jumped ontop of me and my mom beat the shit out of me and chokeheld me, my dad then also did the same even though he did not hit me, he came close to strangling me before leaving the room. i was swollen and bruised all over including my face it was super visible for whatever reason but my body hurt like a motherfucker for over a week since that happened. i just cried when they left

then an hour later after htey beat me they came up and starting their baby uwu act of “i dont want to fight just go shower and come down and eat your dinner blablabla you know we love you rihgt?” and forcing me to apologize to them whenmy mom literally beat me, my dad screamed in my face with his nose to mine to and they helf my neck in their hands with the intent to cause physical harm to me.

proceeding this the aftershock of trying to process what hat happened was just. a lot as you can imagine. i was so paranoid and uncomfortable the week preceeding this just being aorund them hearing their voices literally everything about my house and them living in it was horrifying to me. my therapist helped me a lot and im ok now but like. they proved to me that they really just cannot be helped. theyre a lost cause. at this point to me, the only thing they are are a financial source to cover my transition and im left with no choice but to force myself to play the puppet. i tried to do a mix of both working with and against them before and it blew up in my face. it sucks but thats what it is and as long as obey their shitty asses ill be fine. i dont know where my future will go but i know and pray that it cannot and will not be with them. the moment i am away from them and my belongings are not in their possession they no longer exist to me unless they genuinely will accept the fact theyre the 2nd reason my ptsd exists.

tl;dr my parents suck and im forced to play their child puppet in order to literally survive their love of me is toxic and based on a false perception of what a child is supposed to be and i regret not calling child protective services on them whe n i had the chance

#child abuse #abuse #tw child abuse #tw abuse #tw violence

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thebellwitchblog · 6 years ago

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Reasons why my life is a fanfic

I dated my roommate fall semester freshman year of college. I was literally the “And they were roommates” vine.

He was set to inherit part of his father’s manufacturing company, so I would have been pretty comfortable if we stayed together.

Said roommate then started dating the Resident Adviser (an upperclassman over our hall for those of you that don’t have them)

I then got said RA fired cause I'm petty and found out they started shit while I was dating the ex in question.

I got engaged early 2018 to someone I'd been in love with since I met them. But we were only marrying so I could have his health insurance. He didn't know I was in love with him. But then drama happened, so it got called off.

I'm now engaged to the same friend again, but this time I'm not in love with him. (Edit: still in love with him just in denial)

New years eve party 2019 I finally got with someone I was interested in two years before and then realized he wasn’t that good.

While my mother was in the hospital I found the cute charge nurse for our floor on Grindr and hooked up. Then he caught feelings and I bailed.

Because of my mother being in the hospital among other reasons, decided to do the semester online rather than go back to campus, and a whole lot of fuckery ensued.

Such as reconnecting with three people I've almost dated in the past and finding out they're all still in love with me.

But not being on campus for a semester meant drifting from a guy I had been really interested in dating eventually. Still feel bad about that.

I once dated someone that went on to get... third place in a season of American idol? Then got blamed for them losing 😒😒😒 cause we broke up partway through the contest cause they were cheating on me. (I'm not gonna put their name or even gender out cause I'd rather not be connected to them.)

Also dated another person that a few years after we lost touch went on to be the bassist for a band that became reasonably popular for a bit before fading to obscurity.

My mother's family used to own all of the land that would become Austin, TX. And that was the poorer side of the family.

But because of cousins cheating my side of the family out of inheritances through the generations and then my mother's poor decisions we're now the poor family.

My grandmother's maiden name was Towles, which was originally Towle, as in Towle Silver. And that wasn’t even the main part of the family’s wealth.

A bit further back in my mother's ancestry are the Bell family. If you've heard of the Bell Witch of Tennessee, you've heard of my many times great grandmother Elizabeth "Betsie" Bell.

My mother was engaged to the then-heir-now-owner of Johnson & Johnson at one point.

Mother was a serial fiancee. She was engaged more times than years shes been alive (she's in her 50s) and hardly remembers any of them.

I've been engaged to... 3 different people? Only cause I usually jump ship before they get the idea in their head to propose.

My maternal grandmother found out that my grandfather had two different wives in other states (he worked for the railroad. Ended up being a multimillionaire before he died) and told him never to step foot in her city again or she'd take him to court for every penny he had (she was the first wife and had two kids by him) but refused to ever divorce him.

His horses were mentioned in his obituary but not my mother or her brother. I think only the two daughters he had by his most recent wife were mentioned out of all of his kids.

My mother's godfather was a hitman. And a few of her cousins were part of the drug side of the mafia. But we don't have anything to do with them anymore.

My mothers first husband was abusive. She hit him so hard with a frying pan that the vibrations in it caused her to drop it. The handle broke when it hit the floor.

She repeatedly beat the same husband's head into the bar of a fold out couch so hard that the bar went from bending slightly upwards to downwards.

Mentioned this in another post, but when I was kidnapped by my own father at the age of 6, my mother called said cousins and had new identities, jobs, and housing set up for us as well as transportation and an extraction team set to kill everyone and rescue me. Thankfully it didn’t have to come to that.

Going back to the Bell thing, supposedly my mothers family have been a long line of mediums, psychics, etc. At least one person in each generation is born with an innate ability to see/commune with spirits or get visions.

It's probably partially because of that I ended up practicing magic as well. Being a witch counts as a reason my life is a fanfic right? Lol

First time I went to a beach (while kidnapped, but before it was revealed I wasn’t going to be returned home) I got lost in the ocean. I was underwater for 10 minutes before washing up on shore perfectly fine.

I've fallen through two ceilings and been perfectly fine. One time I fell right next to a set of stairs. Is this plot armor?

Honestly the sheer amount of times I’ve come within a hair’s breadth of dying or, logically, should have died is insane and many of my friends now believe me to be immortal.

I wasn’t supposed to have been born. My mother was prone to miscarriages and due to scar tissue shouldn’t have even been able to conceive anymore. Plus she went into labor with me at 18 weeks, but they managed to stall it till I was born at 32 weeks.

They thought I had cystic fibrosis when I was a wee baby and thus didn’t expect me to live. Turns out I just had really really bad allergies.

Some people believe me to be the reincarnation of my grandmother. I look and act just like her, even have the same taste preferences for the most part, am named after her in two ways, was conceived a week or two after she died, and my original due date was her birthday. Which, just like when she was born, fell on mother’s day that year.

I was born in the middle of March in the American South. What began as rain turned to snow as I was born, and even accumulated enough for my elder siblings to go play out in it.

I have a collagen disorder that, while making me extra flexible, also means I'm prone to injuries, have a poor immune system, could spontaneously have an organ rupture, have spinal issues, bad knees and hips, etc. Also causes migraines and could be a possible cause of my mental illnesses.

Almost every best-friend I've had growing up had admitted to being in love with me. The other two or three admitted to crushing on me.

Despite being the exact opposite kind of person you would expect to be, I was at the top of the social ladder in high school. I was openly LGBT, an art kid, and one of the nerds, but because I was fairly charismatic and great at manipulating authority I had the backing of almost everyone both in the student body and the faculty. Anyone that had a problem with me couldn't act against me without having almost everyone turn against them. It was nice.

I have an unhealthy addiction to coffee. Surely that's a requirement for relatable fanfic protags.

#reasons my life is a fanfic #I swear none of this is made up guys #ask any of my friends #sussiekitten has heard all of this in the past as I rant about my life #so have i-is-pengui and shortangrytsundere #my life is wild #I should really turn this into a book #or at least some of it #gods know there's enough drama and sheer fuckery #fanfic #fanfic tropes #why does my computer not think relatable is a word #personal #my life

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jennerrbaby · 6 years ago

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Thursday, January 17th 2019

Happy 2019!!

I’m currently in Hawaii for a semester on exchange. It was going well until recently and now I just feel sort of down in the dumps. I miss all my friends at home. Although I have made friends here and it’s been great, it just has made me miss home more. It recently has gotten has gotten bad because I currently live with 3 suite mates and yesterday I was just sitting in my room and they all said bye and left together. They continued to post on social media about how they went to Dave and Busters and I was just sitting in the room by myself alone and it just sucked..... They are currently sitting in the other room hanging out while i’m just sitting in my room by myself. You may ask why cant I just walk in there and hang out with? I dont feel comfortable just walking in there cuz I feel like i’m just intruding. I usually like being by myself but it sucks just sitting by myself while everyone else is laughing. It sucks that my anxiety of what others think of me prevents me from making connections with people.... I know i’m overreacting but it still hurts to feel like I’m being left out. I miss AOII and everyone at my home university. I miss SALT and i miss C group and I miss my family and my dogs and just being at home...... I know it’s almost my time of month and I am bond to be super emotional but idk. I just feel like i’m a loner cuz i’m super shy and awkward at first which prevents me from making connections which is probably why I’m currently sitting in the room by myself. I miss my mom and dad-- I miss being in the presence of people where I don’t have to feel anxiety. I miss T, I miss AM, I miss being the three muskateers and having mini sleepovers during the week. I miss feeling confident in my abilities. I sit here writing this and im not going to lie- I hope my roommate does walk in and sees whats wrong to see the hurt i’m feeling. My mom is coming in a couple and Ill be happy to see her and escape the environment i’m currently in. BUT I know that once she leaves it’s going to hurt like hell. It’s going to take me long to recover especially since we are so close... I miss her so much. We talk everyday. Im not gonna lie-- I’ve considered cutting my exchange short so I can go back home but I know that I will ultimately regret my choices. I miss my sister and Belly and I miss the comforts of home..... I miss my dogs and I just want to cuddle them up in a ball. I HAVE to remember that Jesus is looking down on me and he knows that I am hurting and I can feel his presence telling me that everything happens for a reason and he will guide me through this. He will guide me through this journey and even though it may feel hard now-- this storm will not last forever. I say this although I have been in a multitude of different storms since November. These last couple of months have been super hard for me. My great uncle got sick and I went and I stayed with him in the hospital for several days and it took such a toll on my mom and just seeing her and him in pain hurt me and broke me. I almost lost Jesus during this time because I had been in a storm for so long and it just never was ending.. Then all of a sudden my grandpa got sick and THE DAY I WAS GOING TO SEE HIM he passes. I didnt even get to say goodbye... I cried and cried and I had to see my dad cry was super hard.... Then my great uncle died and dang I don’t think I’ve fully processed it until now. I was really close with my great uncle and it was just really hard because he died on the day I had to leave for Hawaii. I remember the last time I saw him because I didn’t want to leave him because I knew it would be the last time. I laid there with him and I cried to my mom that I didn’t want to leave him. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t get to go to his funeral-- I just had to sit in a foreign place while all of my family gets to be together during this hard time.... So these last couple of months have been really hard and I feel like I’ve been in a non stop storm and sometimes I feel trapped in this storm and I cant seem to get out whatever I do....

ANYWAYS, Hawaii has been good so far otherwise. I cried like a baby when my dad left. It was really hard for me. We aren’t even that close but just the aspect of being alone was scary to me. It truly is beautiful here. I am already counting down the days to go home though. Although I would love to visit here, I could never truly live here. It’s way too small and isolated for me.

Well catch you next time I have a mental break haha. Hopefully it’s not soon but honestly who knows if my roommates keep doing this to me.

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storyofmyownlife · 5 years ago

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Some parts but not the others

My friend is staying with us for three days. Today is her 2nd night at the house. I have not since her for quite a while. Truth be told, I don't even remember the exact date. All I know is that I miss her so much and even more so when she leaves. Before I forget, the reason why shes staying with us is because her boyfriend is going into a very delicate surgery. He's got a chest problem that causes his heart to expand. I don't really understand all the scientific stuff behind it, but all I know is I want to be there for her as a friend.

Last night, she got to our house around 9:00 pm. She was a little late because her boyfriend's friend was late,therefore had to wait for him. She got to our house and knocked. My mom let's her in and I introduced her to my family once again. Alicia and I went out for dinner. We sat in car for a bit trying to decide where we should go. I kept asking her what she was feeling and what she wants to eat. I wanted to give her option because she lives in a small town and they really don't have the variety of food option available them. I've finally decided to go to Potato Petite for dinner.

On our way, we were talking about our old roommates. I updated her about Catherine's life and what's shes been up to. I told her that our friend dropped out of the program and decided to take two additional courses to boost her marks, in order to get into physiotherapy masters program. However, she later realized that it was not for her. She actually texted me before and asking if I have any advice for her. I mean I'm basically her life guru. Nothing new but I'm glad that she values my opinion.

I told Alicia that Grace might be in town this week. I've message during new years to greet her. To be honest, I'm just grateful that she came into my life when I needed her the most. I did not want to lose the connection completely. Regardless, Alcia then asked me if I have spoken to Nicole recently. I said no because honestly the only person she likely to reach out would be either sume or Grace and I don't think she likes me very much now any ways. Speaking of Sume, I told alicia that I have spoken to her but did not make any plans because the last time I did she was too busy to hang out with me.

When we got to the restaurant, we sat and one of the boots and started to look at menu. Alicia was very pleased with all the desserts available at the restaurant. I know she really likes sweets that's why I picked that place. She order the same thing that I did but she got a substitute sauce because the one that I have is spicy and she doesn't do well with spices. While we were eating, we just chatted about we've been up to since the last time we saw each other. She didnt really ask me a lot of questions. I think because either she feels awkward because we hadn't seen each other for a while or maybe she did not want to fry or something. Last time I spoke to her I wasn't in a good mind set. I was more anxious and sad about the passage of time and the inevitable transition to adulthood.

I asked her about her relationship with her currently boyfriend and whether if she has decided to finally move to where he lives. She said shes looking to move in the 3 months once she finds a job at her field. She also mentioned that they talked about marriage and shes thinking that he might proposed to her this year and might get married before the year ends. They are compatible with each other. He's more out going and shes more reserve. He encourages her to be more out there and she helps him deal with his Adhd stuff. I know her relationship is only approaching a year. But, I didnt think it's a bad thing if they were to get married soon. I know that he loves her and she loves him. Nothing mattered at that point because she I am genuinely happy for her.

We talked about our jobs and share experiences. We work in the same industry but different role. She works for a community care health agency like myself so we had a lot of topics to talk about.

At some point in the conversation, I mentioned about what happened to my brother. I was mostly venting. I cant stand how he talks about girls and relationship in general so I was kind of venting a bit. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and was being optimistic about it. He said he would be single for a while but then days later he started going out with girls again. My brother is too much.

Before we left? We ordered dessert. She ordered mustard pudding and I ordered nutella crepe cake with vanilla ice cream and strawberries. After that we left to go back home.

I didnt really spend a whole a lot of time talking to her once we get to the house. We basically registered herr car to park in visitors area and we said our good nights. She and I had to wake up early the following day. Her boyfriend got a 9oclock appointment and I got work.

Today, my time at work was fun but not a lot of things to do. We were just talking about life stuff, food, movies, etc. I'm gonna miss Grayson when he lives. He's a nice guy despite some of the attitude he gives me. Deep down I like working with him.

Anyways, before work Alicia drove me and dropped me off work. Again, we had a discussion about healthcare and diseases that older clients might experience such as dementia, alzheimers etc.. I asked her to basically differentiate them for me because shes got more knowledge about them than I do. She dropped me off and we said our goodbyes.

I got home from work and took a minute nap. When I woke up, she arrived home. Perfect timing actually. I recieved a text from her telling me that she has arrived. I went upstairs to ask how her day went.

Her boyfriend finally decided that he'll do his recovery at Athens where she lives. I'm happy for her because she'll get to spend sometime with him and that he'll be with her for her birthday. She said that the earlier appointments finished at 1:30 or something. Once they were done, they drove to port credit and see parks. They also went to lake shore to walk around. Some how they ended up at union station. She got frustrated driving around downtown because of app the crazy bullshit that you have deal with when you're there. He said that he wouldn't mind living in toronto if the rent wasn't so expensive and that there were no topics. She wanted to tell him that he would not say that if he was the one driving them around the city. Regardless, it took her two hours to get home because of they got stuck downtown during rush hours.

Tomorrow, she has to wake up early morning to get ready for his surgery and accompany him to the hospital. She was describing his diagnosis and the procedure and I couldnt help but not to feel scared for her and her boyfriend. I do hope things go well tomorrow and the next couple of weeks. We spent a great deal talking about the industry, psw work, and working with clients in general. I realize it was getting late so I told her that she should probably shower and get ready for bed. She has to wake up at 4:30 am tomorrow. I told her that I know that he's going to be fine and that he'll recover weekly. I also told her he's probably not going to be available for the rest of the day so she can com back to the house when she she feels tired. I gave her my spare key.

I'm just writing all of these now because I want to remember. I know it's just the beginning of the decade but things are definitely going to change. This might be the last time I might get to spend sometime with her. I always will treasure the time we spent but I know that there are people in our lives that are meant to be there for one part but not the other. If it was up to me, I would want to keep her in my life but I know distance and time can take it all away. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask her to go out for dinner and spend sometime with her. Then, Wednesday I'll tell her that I appreciate her, that I love her, and I know it's not a goodbye but if it was I just want to make sure that she knows how I feel and how thankful I am that she came into my life.

Jan 6, 2020

11:05 pm

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we-do-recover-together-blog · 7 years ago

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so its been a slow start on here but i havent had this tumblr for more then 24 hours still trying to figure out how to use this thing but i figured id tell a little bit about my story, when i was young i used to live with my mom my grandma aunt and uncle, mom was 17 when she had me and well at the least to say she wasnt quiet ready to be a mother then. she was always out with friends and partying and would leave me wit my aunt or uncle. i was very close with my aunt if anything she was the closest thing to a mother figure i had in my life i felt safe with her, the only person i ever felt safe with was her and that still stands to this day shes the only person in the world that never turned her back on me and never gave up on me she always took me out before valentines day to get gifts for my little crushes threw out school i could tell her things i couldnt even tell a best friend or counselor she was my safe haven. But sometimes my uncle would baby sit me and he would do inappropriate things to me and touch me and i was so young and i didnt know it wasnt okay i didnt know wwhat it was at all really until i got older and i was ashamed of it and felt like less of a man and really it took till i was about 21 years old to finally come out and say it of course i was only strong enough to say it to the only person i trusted to keep it a secret i was and still am a little bit ashamed of it and its something i need to work on but back to my story eventually with my mom struggling with addiction herself she would get kicked out of my grandmas sometimes so she would grab me put me in the car and we would just drive around all night i cant tell you how many countless nights i spent in the back of her car sleeping or at some strangers house., well eventually i cant remember how old i was exactly but i guess she just got tired of being the part time mom she was and i remember her bringing me to visit my dad who lived with my other grandma grandpa my uncle and my 2 aunts well we walked in the door and everyone was there in the living room just talking but as soon as they saw us it was like the world stopped and they just stared at us well turns out my mother was going on a vacation for a week with her new boyfriend well it turned out that week turned into weeks and longer with out calls or anything she just took off eventually one day we got a call and its the first time i can remember talking to her since she left and she was in jail she came back into my life sorta kinda just in and out until i was in 7th grade thats when i started t get out of control and full of anger and hate and was very rebellious the typical im gonna do what i want when i want how i was and no one can tell me shit about it getting suspended from school getting into fights you name it that was me i was a jerk of a brother a mean son and a worst nightmare for people i didnt like i wasnt scared of anything weather it was fighting jail or cops for years my mother was asking me to give her another chance and move in with her she was never around or home and she didnt really care what i did so i moved in with my mom and from there i fell into a group of older kids that liked to do drugs and fight and pretty much do any and everything that you shouldnt do and to me it was fun i felt cool and ilike doing whatever i wanted if i got arrested my mom wasnt home to ground me or atleast enforce it so i just continued to do whatever i wanted countless arrests and suspensions from school and the drinking and drugging i didnt realize till my most recent years the older kids were just using me because i wasnt really scared to do or say anything perfect little side kick well eventually my mother found a bowl i hadfor getting high and she kicked me out so i moved back to my home town but with my grandparents they are the sweetest souls i have ever met but they were old school and were not very strict so smoking pot and drinking where completely normal especially in my family i first overdosed when i was 15 years old i took about 70 something sleeping pills that the kids in my town started taking because they were untraceable on a drug and blood test like i said that was just my first overdose and yes it terrified my family but didnt faze me one bit not even a year later when i was 16 i overdosed on pcp started hanging out in a bad neighborhood and doing just about any and every drug available even after watching one of my bestfriends drop to the ground from the pcp just minutes before i did i woke up in a hospital bed still unfazed by it honestly i think a part of my thought it was “cool” and at that point i thought well i over dosed twice and still woke up so nothing can touch me at that point i was so wrapped up in drugs that my emotions were non existing and my thought process was just fuck it.the drinking and drugging just got worse the partying continued the arrests never ended cant think of a night that didnt end in running from the cops when i was 17 i first tried heroin i had a friend that sold it and we would go drink at his house and i found some in the bathroom so i tried it and well at the least to say that was the day my life completely i slowly continued to use it but not to the point where i needed it atleast i thought that shortly after i found out that 2 of my cousins were using heroin to of course i didnt tell them i was until we ended up running into eachother in the ghetto so we all started getting high together hiding in abandon buildings and shooting up heroin at this point smoking crack and shooting up cocaine too, two days in a row i overdoses on heroin and xanax the people i was with ran my pockets when my breathing stopped and threw me on the side of the roadluckly i was found by someone and brought to a hospital still wasnt fazed when i woke up and went home went to sleep woke up the next day and got high again in all of these events i was also in and out of the county jail like it was my second home eventually my family got on my ass so i went to a rehab for 28 days just to get them off my back, first day home i told my grandpa i was going to see a few friends and went right back to getting high the same day i got out of rehab. i started hanging out with this girl i met in rehab second time we hangout i end up overdosing again on heroin and alcohol thats when i found out i had hep C but im sure if my track record doesnt prov to be the same that didnt faze me either right back to using eventually i get arrested and charged with 3rd degree burglary get locked up in the county for two months and it violates my juvenile probation and i get sent to a juvenile prison, i stay there for about 18 months while im there my cousins are hanging out and one of them over doses and my cousin and our “friend” freak out instead of calling an ambulance they clean her up and tuck her under a blanket in the hotel room they were in and they leave her a few days later room service finds the body i find out about a week later and well i think the fact of being in jail and not seeing it with my own eyes just made it hard to believe that the cousin that used to babysit me that grew up with me was gone forever and i never got to say goodbye..and it doesnt stop there maybe two weeks later i get a letter and find out my other cousin killed herself. she just couldnt handle the shame she felt for leaving my one cousin in that hotel room .not gonna really get into details about how i felt after losing both of them because its almost impossible to describe.about a year later i finally get out and i move in with my aunt her fiance and my baby cousin i was on parole so i had expectations to meet like outpatient counseling so about 2 months after being out im doing good staying clean doing good with outpatient and my curfew well i wake up the day after my 21 birthday i wake up to a text that my bestfriend of 18 years is dead and that pretty much destroyed me and broke me down i started drinking and skipping outpatient or showing up drunk i shut down and pushed myself into the dark again i was trying to get parole to violate me and send me back i just gave up but it never happened and the day i got off i moved out of my aunts and with my friend in philly well that was all just party party party. at the time i was talking to a girl who i thought at the time was my life partner and all that bullshit but i was just blinded by after 2 years of nothing but jail and parole rules she was just the first female who gave me her attention well while i was in philly we were all drinking and me and her broke up i was drunk and emotional and i well i went into the bathroom and i took 3 90 count scripts of depression medicine and i took them all i took 270 pills give or take a few and tried to kill myself 10 minutes after i took them i blacked out well all i can say is i must have a a seriously bad ass guardian angel or i have a very big and meaningful purpose in life because i woke up the next day weak unable to move and throwing up non stop all the pills i took. it took me about three days to get back to me then i went back to jersey with my uncle not long after that i get hooked back on heroin and cocaine again and my life just well i can say i never been so low the insanity of it all is just well insane everyday i woke up and NEEDED drugs in one day i would think a million times how much happier i would be if i just ended the suffering if i just drove the car into the wall as fast as i could and just end the suffering, my mind was such a dark scary place i wouldnt wish it on anyone and if i didnt always want to get high just one more time if i didnt want to feel that rush one more time im sure i probably would have killed myself, one day i was getting high with my gf at the time and i was just i dont really know what happened but its like time froze and i saw who i was when i got out of jail and how bad things got and how far out there i was so i reached out to the only person i knew i could trust and that would help me my aunt and the next day she checked me into a hospital and i detoxed there while i was there my aunt and my mom found me a halfway house to move into..out of state, they didnt want me to end up like my cousins did the found me a sobor living home and a plane ticket and they went above and beyond to save me. so i moved and i was terrified that id fail i was in the halfway house for about 3 1/2 months to 4 and i turned into a completely different person that i never thought i could be i was happy and going to meetings and sharing and i met a girl and i fell head over heals for her the second i laid eyes on her shes been strong for me stood by my side and made me believe i could be more then a guy working as a cook and just barly making it that i can have that nice house and i can g=have a nice car or go back to school that i can build a family of my own it took me a while to realize or should i say believe in myself to be honest i didnt start fully believe in myself until 2 months ago since me and her have been together i have stolen money from her to get high on multiple occasions i have lied to her and flipped her brand new mustang going to get high i have snuck out and left her alone in bed to go get high she bought me a plane ticket to go home on my birthday for a week to see my family and my first day home i overdosed on heroin i have left her on three occasions because i broke the law and went to jail the first time was for 2 months for aggravated assault and she answered every call wrote me letters came to every court date she visited me and she stayed by my side the whole time.not even 5 days after i got out i stole her car and money to get high even after everything she did for me a month later i got arrested again and charged wit domestic assault for splashing her with water yea i know it sounds stupid but i was piss drunk and got out of control well she bailed me out of jail my drinking continued to get worse and i came home one night from work very very drunk and i snapped and i actually put my hands on her i hit the woman that did nothing but stand by my side and believe in me and give me chance after chance she carried my child the first time i went to jail and we lost it from all the stress she was under from supporting her child and paying rent all on her own a few months after she bailed me out we got pregnant again our own little baby boy Carter well our little baby boy wasnt so healthy and was in pain so we had to make the decision to abort it was what we thought best for him while she was pregnant i went behind her back and was talking to a female that i shouldnt have been talking to and said things i shouldnt have said while being in a relationship with this wonderful woman who has done nothing but fight for me and stand by my side well on july 27th i went back to jail again and stayed for about 2 months for violating my probation still this woman stood by my side answered every call and again came to court this was when i finally realized i was still being defeated by my addiction and while in jail i decided im not gonna be that person i was because i have a choice it is my life and i wont be weak anymore i started going the the steps again for real this time and taking every step to better myself and well guess who bailed me out of jail again? you guessed it she did and now i have been home for 6 days and i have trouble sleeping so i decided to make this blog to share my story help others like me most importantly help myself and not i am sitting in bed next to my girlfriend and my only thoughts are why didnt i take advantage of this time with her and also how easy recovery can be if you really try i mean we tried pretty hard to get high or stay high just half of that effort will save your life its saving mine usually nights like this id be searching the house for a car key that my gf has to hide from me so i dont steel her car but today all i care about is spending and enjoying every moment with this woman and what would be my next step that would be best for my family and me its gonna be a long road and a hard fight but i know i can do it just like i know you can do it stay strong everyone never give up and remember you are worth it and you are worth saving

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queerafterthought · 7 years ago

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Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs

#i don't expect anyone to read this #i just needed to get some stuff off my chest #personal

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wheredoistart91-blog · 6 years ago

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Where do i start pt.1

Where do i start.. theres so many events in my life that i cant really say where it all began. All i know is it came to me losing my mind and having scary thoughts of self harm and suicide, as much i didnt want it to go that far its slowly creeping up. lately ive been not feeling myself, everytime i look in the mirror i dont even know who is looking back.

thats a scary thought already, when you cant even recognize yourself. it makes the day start off like shit, and you think it will get better it doesnt it gets worse. threw out the day i feel so numb and if its not numb its anger and fusteration.

I catch myself zoning out alot with events that have pasted, and running the situation in my head over and over wondering why i didnt do it one way or why i didnt say what i really wanted to say. when things happen weather its bad or good, i never do or say what i really wanted too it literally doesnt come to me till after or days after. Then it comes up again months after and i run it threw my head over and over again. Alot of ppl might be going threw what im going threw, well somethings that ive been going threw. like i said i have alot of shit that i dont know where to start and how i got here.

My feelings feel scattered, sometimes i think i have a bi-polar disorder. Its crazy how your emotions can switch with out warning. Sometimes triggers happen but i dont know what triggers me, and i feel bad for my friends and family who have to deal with me being like this.

Before they found out about my outburst, i guess you would call it. i was very good at hiding it all, no one would have ever known what ive been dealing with. i would be the fun party girl and crazy friend who goofs around and says silly things. But what they didnt know is that i was screaming inside.... i was smiling when i was hurting, i was laughing when i was crying, i said i was okie when i wasnt. i did that cause i didnt want to be the talked about one. i didnt want a label on me, or have everyone feel sorry for me cause i dont know how to deal with my shit. So i just push it all aside and help everyone else before helping my self. One of the best things that helped was drinking all the time, it took a lot off of me, made me feel good. Which sounds really bad but whatever helped helped.

By now your probably wondering why i didnt get help or talk to someone, well that fact is if you couldnt tell by now. I hate talking about my feelings and serious things, cause like i said i dont like it when people feel sorry for me.

Recently i broke down and i still have no reason why. So many reasons come up but i cant tell you which one it would be. One night i was drinking and got drunk, when i came home i was alone in my basement with scary thoughts of myself saying "cut","just do it", "it will feel good". Then obvisouly being drunk and having fucked up emotions, i cut myself... i used a push pin and started to slash my wrist, at the time it felt good. The pain was a release, its a scary and fucked up pleasure. i saw my self doing it and couldnt stop, i wouldnt stop.. at first it was just to feel, then the thought of if it, if it had went too deep i would be okie with it.

i snapped out of it and started to realize that i fucked up, there was so much blood on my wrist, hands and on my bedroom floor. i started to cry and breathing heavily, i was freaking out. I called my brother girlfriend because i didnt know how else to call that i could trust at the time. She talked me threw everything, which started to calm me down i cleaned up my mess and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning, feeling like nothing happened. Feeling like it was just another drunkin night. A week went by and i was feeling normal, feeling like i was okie for once. Friday... drinking once again drinking after work, losing my control with drinking cause it usally ease some pain. Me and some friends were at the bar taking shots like its no tomorrow, ended up at my brothers house contiuned to drink there, cause you know why not.. it was going okie well i thought it was. I was drinking Nudes which are in a can, so again my voice in my head kept telling me "cut","just do it", "it will feel good". So me being at my weakest i listened, i broke off the metal peice on top of the can. went to the bathroom and started to slowly re cut my cuts and it did feel good.. i threw the piece of can away and went on drinking some more.

we sat around the table listenin to music and talking. From there all i remember is my brother standing up in a panic yelling at me " what the hell are you doing".

Thats when i.. i guess you can say snapped back, i had once again ripped off a peice of the can and cut my finger open.. there was blood and yelling and talking... i paniced and freaked out, couldnt stop crying and holding anything in.. my dad was there, step mom, all my brothers, then all of a sudden my mom came. I was freaking out cause i didnt realize i was cutting myself, that shit can give you some trama.. everyone one by one was talking to me and i couldnt really hear, there was to much going on in my head and around me.. my brother came and was talking to me calming me down, then all of a sudden paramedics came in.. I started to freak out again and losing control.. they took me to the hospital, the mental heath section.

that moment i was becoming someone i wasnt able to control. i sat there the whole night,slowly starting to feel like im slowly losing myself ..

which leads to right now.. Now my whole family knows everything about how i cope with myself, how my mental health hasnt been doing good. A part of me wants things to go back to when i was hiding everything, the other part wants help.. Then theres the dark side that seems to be slowly taking over, im slipt in to so many feelings and thoughts..

Where do i start....

- JAC91

#mental health #where do i start #blogger #life #struggles #my story #feels #real life

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this-user-writes-things · 8 years ago

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You Are My Sunshine

imma do all the tws and word count in the morning but theres a funeral and a car crash. also soulmate au where when you look in your soulmates eyes, your world gets brighter. you can still see color before, but when you meet em they just seem brighter PHILIP X READER WEE i need sleep You are my sunshine You met your soulmate at 17, when you had dropped your things in the library and he rushed to help. "Lemme help you with that!" You heard a voice from your right. You looked up to see a freckled boy with wild hair kneeling down to help you. When he sat down, you looked into his eyes, and your breath caught in your throat as the world became more vibrant. You couldnt explain it, but it was beautiful. He had a look of amazement and disbelief on his face, and then his lips turned up into a grin. "My name's Philip Hamilton. Wanna go get lunch together and talk?" My only sunshine You'd accepted, and you and Philip got to know each other. He took you home to introduce you to his parents, the entire walk there, you were looking around at all the beautiful colors you saw while he had trained his eyes on you. You make me happy You and Philip had celebrated your 2 year anniversary two weeks ago, and you were currently sat in the library, where the two of you first met. You were surrounded by books and papers. College was cruel to you, and you were running on a mix of coffee and energy drinks. You hadn't heard the door open, and you hadnt heard the approaching footsteps, either. "You need to take a break." You jumped when you felt Philip's hands on your shoulders, and sighed. You looked up at him. "I need to study, Philip." He nodded. "Yes, you do. But you also need a break, and the test isn't until two more weeks. Youll be alright. Cmon. Lets go to the cafe down the street. Ill buy you coffee and a muffin." You sighed, and started putting away your things. If it hadn't been for the bribe, you wouldn't be following Philip. When skies are grey The break had helped you, but you still got a very low 'C'. When you'd found out you'd gotten a 'C' in one of the most important classes needed to pursue your chosen career, you felt as if the world had crushed your hopes and dreams. "How'd you do on your test?" You heard Philip call as he unlocked the door, and your only response was a groan. He came into your bedroom to see you spread out on your bed, facedown. "Not good, Im guessing.." He sat down, and stroked your hair. You rolled over, and put your head in his lap. "I got a 'C'. A really low one, so its practically a 'D'. Ill never get my dream job." You whined. "Aw, now dont say that. It's only one test grade, and its not your final grade. You'll be fine. I promise." He smiled at you, and you sat up to give him a light peck on the cheek. Youll never know, dear You were fine, just as he promised. You'd graduated and got to pursue your dream with Philip by your side. You and Philip are now 23. You and him were still close with his parents; every other Wednesday, you and Eliza had a lunch date to catch up. You remember a more recent one, were she was telling you how she was surprised he hadnt proposed yet. How much I love you Philip had proposed in a meadow of flowers, where the two of you had a picnic, the following week. You accepted the proposal, shouting 'Yes, Philip, you big dummy!' The wedding was two months away, and you were writing your vows. You'd called Eliza for help, as you couldn't figure out how to translate what you felt into words. She happily helped you, and you were done by dark. Please dont take You were on your way to one of yours and Eliza's lunch dates when you got a phone call. It was an unknown number, but you answered anyway. "Are you the fiancé of Philip Hamilton?" The serious tone scared you, but you still had to confirm that you were his fiancé. "Yes, why?" "Your fiancee was hit by a speeding car. The driver was under the influence of alcohol and hit Philip Hamilton before his car sped into a building, killing him upon impact. Philip miraculously survived it, but is still in fatal condition. He's currently in surgery at the hospital." You were already in a taxi, heading to the hospital, by the time the phone call ended. You called Eliza to let her know what happened My sunshine You sped into the hospital, but nearly tripped when your vision began to fade into duller colors. You felt confused at what was happening, but quickly realized. You began sprinting, and haulted at the front desk. "M-My husband! Philip Hamilton. In surgery- Dying..." You rambled, not being able to form a coherent sentence in a frenzy of panic and breathlessness. "Maam, please calm down" You heard the woman at the front desk tell you. You didnt hear her, as you were focused on trying to bring the color back. As you looked around the room, all you saw was different shades of grey. You broke down, sobbing. Away. You stood beside Philip's casket. You held white notecards that you had written your vows on. You were reading them out loud at his funeral, everyone quiet. More tears trailed down your face as you read the vows. They got too the point where you couldnt speak, and you apologized as you sat back down.

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icoulddieandwecouldlive4eve-blog · 5 years ago

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just in case this goes missing

This is my manifesto

That beautiful morning, i hadnt gotten any sleep that night because i was up ranting about OCCULTISM and rape and dug abuse. When my friend, Quaint, showed up he was shaking and his lips were an off shade of grey. He asked to use my phone and called his mama saying that he might go to hospital today because he felt sick. I told him that he wasnt sick he was just DTing and needed alcohol to subdue the effects on his body. I walked to go get medicinal whiskey but the liquor store wasnt open. I walked to the whole foods and picked up 2 bottles of wine and some doggo treats for his dog, chance. He didnt want the treats i gave him but he was such a good protector of his friend. We passed the wine around, casually outside of the unopened shop.

THEYASKEDME IF WAS SEEIN OR HEARING ANYTHING

It was Monday morning (Mid December 2019) when i had contact with the first officer in front of an establishment called “The Love of Ganesha” on Haight St in San Francisco. I dont remember his badge name or number but he was a well groomed caucasian male. He approached me because he had gotten a call that morning about disorderly conduct (or something along those lines) he arrived at the scene, harrassed my surrounding family, and moved them down the line. After everyone had moved he approched me and Threatened to detain me for being under the influence or for being crazy or something like that. He told me he was taking me to the SF psychiatric ward. I asked him what he was detaining me for. I asked him again what he was detaining me for. He approached my husband and asked Sean if he knew me and if he could help me move me belongings and myself to another location. My stuff was in dissarray but we moved down to the corner of haight and ashbury where my husband sean took and long nap (we were up the entire night before)

My friends and i spent most of the day on that corner, playing with our kitties and talking to touring adults. Around sundown,shortly after a woman donated several dogbeds, my good friend Caveman approached the corner and put down his belongings. Seconds later a squad car with flashing lights pulled up to the scene and two officers of the law got out. One of them was a young african american male and the other was a (assumed to be) younger asian american male. The asian american male (we’ll just call him “woodstick”) “Woodstick” immediatly addressed caveman by asking him “how is your son” whih i thought was very rude. But then “woodstick” told everyone that they had to leave “his” corner. (im pretty sure he doesnt pay rent on that corner but anyway) as me and my husband packed up our belongings “woodstick” got out his big wooden stick and wore it on his hip like a Gun. I wasnt threatened but everyone else, all fed up with the harrassment, moved along.

I stayed up all night that night talking my husband’s ear off and crying. I fell asleep shortly but was woken up by my hyper-sensitive on-guard dog around 4:30 am. So not much later in the morning i got up and even through my husband asked me not to go, i wanted to walk and yell and talk someone els’s ear off. So i took our 3 kittens, (because they were wide awake) and i went to haight st. i sat on my dog’s bed on the corner of haight st and ashbury and made a sign that said I protest this state. For the sake of my deceased friends:

I screamed that i was being raped, I screamed that i was being murdered, i screamed “wake up people” and i screamed “NARCAN call 911 call 911 call 911 i am overdosing on heroin! oh wait thats not what someone who is overdosing on heroin sounds like” I was furiously flipping off everyone and nobody cared.

Anyway, an african american police officer arrived at the scene, right around 7 am right after shift change i assume (she never mentioned getting a call). She pulled up wto me and said “stand up”, i said “no”, she said “im taking you to jail”, she put on black gloves and got out of her car and asked me politely what the problem is. I explained my situation to her and she politely told me where to go to file a formal complaint against off. “Woodstick” and then when i continued to not comply she gave me a tresspassing 25 ticket. Then she said that because i wasnt leaving “ we were going to have another problem” i told her to contact her SGT. and she did so. A white man arrived at the scene and rudely told me… something (i wasnt listening ) i was also flipping off people as they walked by. So the SGT starts grabbing at me and pushing my hat and other belongings around, almost as if he was trying to piss me off more. Then he grabbed me by my shoulder and so did the african american female officer that had orginally made contact with me. I explained “dont touch me” “stop harrassing me” “i know my rights” (which im not sure i do anymore)Then shorltly another 4 or so officers showed up to the scene and pushed my face into the ground, got one arm behind my back, broke my glasses and they said “stop resisting” multiple times. Then they threatened to take me to jail. They told me my religious artifact would have to be removed and then they forcefully tried to remove my silver and lapiz ring. My figner had already been broken recently so i knew that my ring wouldnt come off easily. I told the officers that as they FORCEFULLY tried to remove my religious artifact. I mentioned the first amendment to them. They continued to try to remove my ring threatening me with detainment. Then the SFFD showed up and they put me on the gurnie. Forced my right hand. Took my cat’s basket and my dog’s new dog bed that was given to me by that kind woman.

Took me to the Zuckerberg San Francisco General hostpitable where they werent very hospitable. After they laughed at me and made fun of me, they got me a chaplain named mary kay who gave me 2 bibles and another chaplain also named mary talked me through the trauma like a couple of pros. They doctors asked m what was physically wrong and i told them my hand feet and torso and arms hurt. They brought in an xray machine and asked me if i might be pregnant. When i said it was possible they left with the xray machine… never took a urine sample. While they were xraying my hands i told them that i believed i have a stress fracture inin both of my feet. They never even checked. After being taken to the psych ward (which reeked of county jail) I spoke to a psychiatrist for 5 minutes before they knocked me out witha variety of pills. The next morning i woke up and they gave me my breakfaast (mushroom omlette) and i announced i was doing a hunger strike, drank a cup of coffee. Not long after they allowed me to call my mom. My mother offered to pick me up from the hospital but i told her i wanted to be released on my own recognisance. Not long after they allowed me to shower and leave.

MY partner, sean, was waiting outside for me and my friend shane came and picked us up.

That evening i bought a pack of PBRs, because it was all i could afford beer wise, and i went to haight st and handed them out to my friends. I put my belonging under a scaffolding to protect it from the cold rain. My friend caveman screamed at me on sight “you are the only other woman to be 5150 from here other than misha” who misha is i dont know.

King and 14th

I scrambled to get to the train station. Screaming the whole way. I begged people to let me use there phone because mine had died. I went into the train station and frantically tried to find money in my purse. An older african american woman approched me and asked me what the problem was and offered to by me a ticket. I stated plain and clear that i would also need a ticket for m partner and she said it would cost her too much. My partner told me to quiet down and payed for his own ticket while she bought me mine. I promptly lost it.

Friday the 13th December

It was raining when my partner got off the BART train. We walked to the closest covered porch and started to unwind. After watching a couple older gentlemen leave the building i assumed that it was a federal building. We went to sleep there. Around 2 am (december 14) in the middle of shift change SGT 8 and OFF 10 woke us up and off. 10 threatened to take me and my husband to jail… or to the hospital… i dont remember exactly what his plan was but he put those stupid blue gloves on. As soon as i started rambling to myself they left. NO CONTACT

My husband and i got our asses moving and as we walked we started to argue (but not in a “im mad at you and you suck”kind of way but in a “i was exhausted already” kind of way) i told him to stay put after we walked not even half a mile. I walked with my yellow water bottle in hand so that traffic could see me more clearly. I got to the fire house. Rang the doorbell.

Rang the doorbell again, i was quite dehydrated at this point. I used my limited knowledge of morse code to sing S.O.S. and WATER and FIRE and HELP. when i noticed the fire department waking up i motioned at them for water. They laughed and shook their heads or something like that. I was so angry at this point i may have started hallucinating.

2 cop cars pulled up. 4 lights shone. I put my hands up with my big ol sharpie in one hand and my water bottle in the other. SGT 8 rushed me, snatched the bottle out of me hand, threw it away from me, and put my on the ground and in cuffs. He did not read me any sort of any rights. Anyway he asked me if i was writing on the building or doors. they ran my name. Asked me what the problem is… i told them i was tired and i had just had a fight with my husband. I mentioned the domestic abuse and they said “dont use that word” i told them i needed a ride to the hospital, he said he would only give me a ride if i was under the influence of drugs and shined his BRIGHT ass light in my eyes, practically blinding me. I told him i had smoked weed (a legal substance to consume if you arent operating a motor vehicle) he said i didnt seem high and he was right because the cheap weed i smoked barely did anything anyways. So i mentioned the water thing again after they allowed me to sit on their bumper (so polite) i asked them for their badge numbers and the ten (more like a seven but he’s a cop there is only so far you can get with that) said he was 10 and the four told me he was 8. Brisbane PD. where there is no hospital apparently. So they confirmed that i was being transported and he said hed give me a ride to square one. And one water bottle when i got out. Then he told me hed give me two water bottles which was great because i was REALLY fucking thirsty at that point. And then in the privacy of his cruiser he said “my water bottle is just like your water bottle except my bottle is full and yours is empty” which i thought was pretty offensive but i didnt say anything. So SGT 8 drops me off at the gas station (which wasnt the federal building that i woke up at that morning but details are so 19th century) and puts my water bottle and a new sealed water bottle on the curb of the gas station. Takes my cuffs off, probably said some fuck shit. And said “anything else” and as they got into their cars i said “oh yes and i am in fear of hurting myself AND OTHERs”

And i walked.

And i screamed

And i cruised by my sleeping darling and i wrote a little happy face on the lid of the bottle and i left it for him and i walked some more and when i was out of ear shot of him i whistled. I SCREAMED and i banged my bottle against a pole. I took out my lipstick and i drew a heart on a sign. I drew my signature (MAD (mutually assured desrtuction) read it in HS kinda liked the ring to it) and i walked and i screamed some more. I heard owls in the trees. I saw two men in the trees one had a light in his hand and they stood patiently. I said “hello?” and i heard one of them say “what?”

Later on after eating and getting some fluids in me i am back at the Brisbane fire department and i rang the doorbell once. A young beautiful woman comes to the door and i told her i needed medical attention

Giovanini Gomez asked me what i wanted #1 asked me what he could do for me.

They gave me a psychotic break and a whole season of episodes and then asked me what they could do for me. Then told me very rudely to get out of town.

So i did

0 notes

briefbouquetcreatorlove-blog · 6 years ago

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lease insurance quote

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BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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So I am 21 years old working part time as a supervisor with a certain big brown shipping company. I am making decent money, and was, at the time, driving a really high mileage 1998 explorer that got terrible MPG and was nickle and dimeing me to death, so I decided to go look for a new car. The car I found, was a 2011 Suzuki Kizashi S. It had really high safety ratings, the car itself was in very good condition (the previous owner was a little old lady who I actually got to meet because her nephew was the car salesman I bought it from, who even brought me all of the paperwork on the maintenance she had - impeccable maintenance record I might add), and the average highway mpg, is double that of my explorer. However, I made a mistake of not confirming what my insurance rate would change to when I called State Farm over the phone to have my coverage changed to the new vehicle, and now here I am paying triple what I did for the explorer. I don't get it, how does a little 4 door sedan w/ awesome safety ratings and all that jazz cost me $224 a month to insure, but a 4WD fully loaded explorer, in Colorado, that I had since I was 17, was only like $63 a month. I mean, I understand that a vehicle that isn't paid off yet is going to have higher insurance thanks to the lender requiring full coverage, but I don't know ANYONE around my age paying this much except for a guy I work with who drives an Acura and got a massive ticket for going a buck 20 in a 45 speed zone and now pays like 350 a month. Is there something particular about this car that I wasn't aware of? It's a great car, but the huge insurance cost is really hurting what I'd planned to be able to afford per month on top of my other bills.""

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Will my Auto Insurance Rates go up?

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""Can someone give me an idea of how much car insurance is for a mazda 6, 2006 honda civic sedan, or coupe?""

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My son, who has never had a ticket or any violations at all, does not own a vehicle. He will occasionally drive my vehicle. I live in Ohio and have insurance on the car in Ohio. Is that ok? Does he also need to maintain some type of coverage in Michigan. I do not see that Michigan has something like a non-owner policy if you do not have any violations and are not required to have the SR22 policy.""

Infiniti g37????????

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car insurance is a law right? and I know a lot of people that have a very difficult time paying car insurance since it's so high, but it seems like insurance companies are making a lot of money, NOW how can we compare that to health insurance if it became a law to have to have it. You would hope that health insurance would be more affordable since more people are putting money into the pot right, but I am afraid but it being a law, the rich (insurance companies will get richer) and raise the cost of health insurance since it's a law. Maybe our solution would be to have our government give us tax breaks on health insurance premiums and some how get more for our money with health insurance. It's sad that you have to spend $500.00 a month for health insurance but still have to pay office visits and wait 6 months for preexisting problems. Maybe the solution is to have better health insurance options, right? Isn't that what McCain wants?""

Best place to Compare Car Insurance Quotes Online?

Is there a site where I can compare car insurance quotes or where I can compare what's offered by several car insurance companies? There's a huge difference in car insurance quotes depending on the provider you use and what level of cover you want and obviously I do not want to pay more than I have to. I searched for car insurance comparison sites but there are a lot to choose from and a lot more still where you just enter general stats like age and area, so can someone save me some time and let me know of a good website where I can compare car insurance quotes that are exact to my circumstances. Thanks!""

What is the difference between being forced to buy health insurance vs. being forced to buy car insurance?

In my state we are forced to have car insurance or we will be fined. I know that having the government intervene more in our health insurance seems like more of a step in a socialism direction but were we already going that direction anyway with car insurance AND we did already have medicare and medicaid. This reform does not seem like anything more than insurance reform and medicare/medicaid reform. It is not as radical as it could be: http://healthreform.kff.org/SubsidyCalculator.aspx The government subsidies are not even that good. People making around 30-50k still have to pay $200-300 a month for healthcare and now they are actually being FORCED to do it no matter what. The government will only help with $500 per year of that total bill. I am a conservative...BUT why is this so bad? Dont we really need healthcare reform because the way it is going it looks like in 10 more years nobody will be able to afford insurance period if things were left the way they were (it has gone up 100% in the last 10 years). Change can be good sometimes. Everyone needs to calm down.

Car insurance question?

Originally I registered my car insurance with my previous address. Now I've moved to a new place, do I require to update the address? What happen if I don't update the address and continuously using my previous address as registered?""

How much will Car insurance cost me??? PLEASE HELP!?

I am a 20 year old female. I didn't complete high school, but I will get my GED and go to school next fall. I'm getting a car this Feb when taxes come back and I'm buying no more then a good decent $3000 car. I have a child too so I heard that helps bring the insurance down a little. Because the car will be under my name, & I am the ONLY driver in this house hold so there will be only 1 person on the insurance, how much do u think I could be paying a month??? Any guess for wage? I want full coverage but if its more then 300 a month i will go half. I've had my permit to since I was 17, no accidents. Please help.""

Ticket for no license and no insurance?

I'm 17 and I got a ticket for not having a license or permit, failure to yield to an emergency vehicle and no insurance in California. How deep will this ticket dig into my pockets? Over $500? Big thanks if you can help me out.""

How to appeal declining application on Health insurance?

I just received letter from Blue Shield of California on my recent application for health coverage, I am asking for any suggestion on appeal and my rights in this process. My COBRA is running out, and this recent application took 2 months before they turned me down. I considered myself fairly healthy other than a monthly low dosage cholesterol prescription. Any help or suggestion is appreciated.""

Urgent care? Do I need insurance?

So I really need to go to urgent care but will they even look at me if I tell them I don't have insurance and don't even have a job...? I would go to the hospital... But like I said... I have no insurance and no job.

Can my mom insure my vehicle?

I want to buy a newly used car and i will have a loan on it. I wanted to know if the loan and the title are all in my name, would my mom be able to insure it in her name and me just as a driver? im under 25 so my insurance would be extra high. and would i have to register it in her name at DMV to let her insure it?""

Can I put my mom in my health insurance?

How to appeal declining application on Health insurance?

Insurance quetsion?

i was in a accident totally the other drivers fault (she admitted to it). my car has damaged front bumper and headlight along with other stuff around those parts. it looks like nothing major. i went to the hospital one time they said i had my muscles and ligaments in my neck strectched. im trying to found out is that enough medical trips for me to get a rather decent settlement. im nt able to go to the doctor because i work all the time an i cant take time off or i will be fired. her insurance is state farm. on the average how much can i get???(pain and suffering)

How will i know which insurance group my car belongs to in UK?

is there a website to find car insurance group?

Would Obama charge the military for Health Care?

So I see all this Healthcare debate going on, But what does that mean for the Military? I know its gonna cause the operating budget to be cut of course. But would we have to start ...show more""

What is the best but most cost-efficient insurance for a 22year old male driver who just got his license?

Used, older car (either 1990 honda or 1995 toyota). Just got his license. Want decent insurance but not outrageously price. Any help greatly appreciated - thanks!""

I need help with my car insurance?

Middle aged female (mid fifties), have had comprehensive car insurance 8 years no claim but current insurers now charging me nearly 500/annum.Insurance runs out 30th october 08. Any suggestions for cheap car insurance companies (in England please) for Honda Accord V Tec (W Reg). Thanks""

What would be considered cheap for a new driver's auto insurance?

Also, what would be considered average or too high? Any car really, just focusing on the pricing at the moment for a ballpark estimate.""

Does a Seat Belt Ticket in California increase insurance?

lease insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/does-having-years-claims-moped-lower-car-insurance-charles-taylor/"

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unlikelydreamlandcreation-blog · 6 years ago

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Car accident and cost $500 to repaint the bumper ?

"Car accident and cost $500 to repaint the bumper ?

I crashed a car in a paking lot. It was a dent on a left rear bumper. I didnt want to report to my insurance because i got in an car accident few months ago( i was 17 and juz turned 18). The owner took his car to mechanism and sent me a receive of her car repair. It costed $500 to repaint a left bumper ( Acura 2 doors). My dad told me that $500 can painting the whole car and told me to as the owner if I can pay only $300. I dont want my insurance goes up but also dont want they charge me that much. I wonder if they really cost $500 to repaint the bumper because the owner sent me a payment for her car and anyway that i can ask hhim to lower the cost. I took a picture of the dent after I crash it andn dont know if it can help for anything ??

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Do Cops get free car insurance?

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How to appeal to insurance company?

My mom had Healthnet for her insurance provider in California. We started our move to Texas in Dec 2005. Mom made her payment in January. They still had their home in California, and it wasn't sold until February. So legally she was still a California resident. At the end of January she told them that she had moving to Texas. They refused her payment saying that she wouldn't be covered in Texas. In February she had emergency surgery. Healthnet paid everything. Then in October 2006 they denied all payments. Mom was supposed to have surgery on the hernia back in California but the doctor kept post poning it. Until finally he just said he wouldn't be able to perform the surgery. That was in January 2006, after she made her paid her insurance. My mom didn't know she had any rights, so she started paying on this $40,000.00 bill. I don't feel like she should be paying this. I have been trying to figure out how to write a letter to appeal it. I just don't know how to go about it.""

How much money does car insurance go down when you turn 17?

I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months. I am currently paying about $435 for insurance in a 6 month period. Will that rate decrease when I turn 17, not having any tickets or accidents?""

Can someone please explain health insurance to me?

I'm looking for individual health insurance and it is very confusing. Can someone explain what things like deductible, copay, and coinsurance mean? Also, what's the difference between a PPO, Network, Indemnity, and a HSA-qualified plan? Lastly, how do I know exactly what is covered before I apply? People have sent me things in the mail and I'm looking online and I was given a list of things covered, but then it says that this isn't everything and once I sent in my payment I will get a full list of my policy and coverages. That seems shady, and these are top companies like Aetna and Health America, so I don't think they would rip me off. Plus, how come these companies aren't offering a bundle plan, where I can get health insurance, vision, and dental all in one plan with one monthly payment?""

Need an idea of how much insurance is gonna be?

I'm 16 and am looking at purchasing a 2000 Honda Civic Si Coupe. If I buy this car, will it be considered as a sports car to the insurance? I live in central California btw. If I were to wait until I hit 18 to drive, would the insurance go down substantially? Around how much am I looking at per month?""

Heath Insurance like Car insurance?

I am sick of paying High prices for health insurance because of over-weight out of shape people who have all types of health problems! With that said, I believe health insurance should be more like Car insurance. If you are healthy and havnt been in Accidents then your insurance should be lower than people who are healthy, workout, eat right and dont smoke or do drugs. I no longer have health insurance because I cannot afford it. When I did have health insurance I never used it because I am healthy. Should people like me be paying less than others who dont care about their health?""

Who the best auto insurance that dont cost too much?

How does the affordable care act apply to me?

Right now, I live with my Mom and she earns about $120000 per year. I work and earn about $22000 per year.""

Can I sue someone with auto insurance?

I live in Las Vegas and I was involved in a car accident in November. There were 6 cars involved and this process is being UNUSUALLY long. It is impossible to get in contact with one of the claimants so we can not settle for our car damages. Can I sue the individuals that were held respoinsible for the auto accident?

Do I have to use my insurance check to fix my car?

someone hit my car and I received a payment from their insurance. Do I have to get my car fixed or not. It's not major damage it's just a broken light and some scratches and they wanted to charge me like a thousand.

""How many people out there would love a health care insurance exchange, where you can buy insurance on your own?""

and not have to choose a job based on benefits, and you could switch jobs without worrying about losing coverage. Why would people be against this, unless they are part of a union and do not want everyone to have great benefits like they do?""

How much would insurance be for a 2006 Mercedes Benz 230c?

How much did your car insurance go up when your teen began to drive?

How much did it rise? Did they get their own car or did they drive yours? Did they have a good student discount? Did they take drivers ed (and get a discount)? Are they a boy or a girl? Anything Else? Thanks... Just trying to figure out how much ours is going to go up

Looking for some cheap full coverage car insurance.?

""Moved out of state, Can I still be on my parent's car insurance?""

I just graduated college and moved to California. I bought a new car in Iowa before I left and my parents cosigned the loan. We registered the car in Iowa, saying my name first or my father. Since then, they have brought the car out here. Am I able to stay on my parents insurance (Farm Bureau) even though I am no longer a resident of Iowa or their house? Also, am I required to register the vehicle in California even though he is on the loan and the current provider of insurance?""

Is it true people cannot afford health care insurance?

Is it true people cannot afford health care insurance? Or would many rather spend their money on weed, crack, strippers, whores, booze, cigarettes, gambling, body piercings, tattoos, cell phones, internet, cable, eating out, fast-food and other luxuries? People can afford health care; they chose to spend their money on other things.""

How much is Car Insurance in the US for a new driver?

Does it depend on the state? Just give me an average price. Im from the UK and my Insurance was 1700 for 1 year.

Car accident and cost $500 to repaint the bumper ?

How can I get a fair replacement cost by the auto insurance company when my car is totaled?

my car is being paid off by the other person's insurance company, not mine.""

Do they drug test a newborn if the mom has private insurance?

Please read the entire post before replying. I have heard many conflicting stories. Some people say that they automatically drug test newborns if the mother is on medicaid. Some ...show more

What medical insurance company should I get?

What medical insurance should I get? My employer doesn't provide medical benefits anymore. I don't want to spend alot and I live in California.

How much do you think insurance for a 16 year old?

i live in texas but i want to buy a car year 2004 and up which car would be less expensive as in insurance

Which is the cheapest & best car insurance co for skoda fabia car in India?

What does this dental insurance code mean?

The code is 42560 and it's by the insurance company equitable life insurance company of Canada . So what does this dental insurance code mean? How much will they cover for the gum graft? It's only one tooth that I need to have done for 600$. It's medical not cosmetic.

Does having a nissan 350z as your first car and a new driver added gonna make the insurance go up?

their are 3 drivers in my family and the insurance is like 200 i think would the bill go way up if a new driver is driving a 350z?

Why has my car insurance gone up?

My question is about my car insurance renewal quote. I got my renewal quote from esure, last year I paid 357 with 7 years no claim discount, and with full uk licence held for just under 4 years. In whole year I haven't made any claim, same car, same address, still the new quote I got is 627. I am almost shocked. Last year also I had same problem, my renewal quote was about 40-50 pounds higher. I checked for new quote with different insurers but not getting anything cheaper than 460, still way above what I paid last year. Does anyone know why does it go up? I remember last time when I spoke to call centre guy, he told me that it depends on number of claims in your area etc. Is that true? Also somewhere I read the article that insurance companies are paying more than what they collect as a premium and they are raising premiums by up to 20% but still in my case the premium is almost double. If anyone has any knowledge on how this industry works please let me know. Any help is appreciated. Thanks""

Where can i get good health insurance?

ok im 18 and a college student i found out a few months ago im no longer covered by my former heath plan since i turned 18... i need a heath insurance that wont cost alot? any ideas?

How to fill out insurance quotes?

Ok first I'm going to explain the situation. Since I was 17 I drove with a licensed driver, and with my permit. When I was 18 I got a ticket for Under 21 drink and drive. It's a petty misdemeanor on my record, and I only got my permit suspended for 30 days. Just two days ago I got my license and passed my road test, I'm 20. I have a car picked out to buy so I've been looking into insurance quotes. However my ticket was never for a DUI and they never give me the option of what my ticket actually was. How do I go about this? Does it count? The quotes I've gotten back are 150-220 a month. Can someone help, or recommend an insurance company. I also qualify for driver's training discount, and good student discount.""

Insurance company !?????

How does someone own or idk a insurance company.. I mean I would like to own my own office with State Farm insurance how do you go by doing this

Would having a Dodge Charger raise your insurance cost?

I'm almost 17 and got my liscense a few months ago and I can get pretty much any reasonble car i want. I'm leaning on getting a used charger (not new cos im prob gonna reck it or at least mess it up). I was just wonder will it raise my insurance up just bc its a Charger? (I already know my age and new driver will be more expensive)

Who does the cheapest car insurance for 17 year old males?

I am looking to get insured on a peugeot 106 quicksilver for under 3,000 its only a 1.4 but all the company's i look at want up to 11 grand.""

Motorcycles and California ?

Ok so im almost 18. I wanna get a motorcycle when I can afford it. How much would u say I'd be looking at for good insurance and the bike. I want a decent bike but nothing to fancy because of my price range. I wanna also know the process to getting a motorcycle licence

How can I buy home insurance if I use one room for my business?

Hello there! I am a freelance web publisher so basically I work from home using my laptop. My husband and I just bought our first home. The other day I was shopping around for home insurance when an agent told me if I run my home business many carriers will mark me as not eligible for home insurance. Is this true? How do I get around that? What's the best home insurance company?

Getting Car Inspected Late - will insurance go up?

If you let your car inspection sticker in Massachusetts expire before and then you go to get the car inspected late, will the Massachusetts RMV find out that you let it lapse and then hit you with points on your license and/or increased car insurance rates? Would if your car doesn't pass inspection, will that raise your car insurance also?""

Does anyone know about how much insurance costs for a Mitsubishi Lancer?

Im 16 so if that changes anything and im from texas and the car is a 2008 Mitsubishi Lancer

Could a car insurance agent please answer my question?

I live in CA. I have Mercury insurance. I had 3 old cars on my policy which was too expensive so I sold 2 of them. I was paying $273 monthly automatically deducted from my bank on the 21st of every month. I sold the first car Jan. 29th. On Jan. 30th I took release of liability to AAA DMV and then to my insurance agent asking for the car to be removed from the policy. On February 10th I sold the second car. I took the release form to AAA DMV then straight to the agent asking for release. When I look at my policy deducting the 2 cars my insurance should be about $180 per month. They tell me it will be about $210 per month. Today rolls around, I check my bank account and they have deducted $273 from my checking. I call the 800 number for Mercury. They tell me it needed to be in by February 5th in order to make the billing deadline. Then they said they will NOT refund the money they removed from my account or prorate because under writing takes time. Is this legal??????""

Motorcycle Insurance?

I'm 19 yrs. old, and I'm going to be getting a 2008 Harley XL Sportser 883L, I'm going to be getting my license very soon, and I was wondering about insurance rates, anyone have an idea what my rate might be?""

How much does motorcycle insurance cost?

17 yr old male.... and 1st motorcycle.

Goal to live without having to have life insurance in the future?

At 50 I would like to live without having life insurance. No dependents. What financial requirements in retirement accounts and cash should I have? Plan on having no mortgage. No loans of any kind. And retirment funds in check to get me $20,000 a year from age 70 to age 100. Roth Account equal to the above amount for incidentals like cars for cash and medical bills. Children or grandchildren will be beneficiaries to these accounts. Would anyone under these circumstances need to pay for life insurance?""

""Maximums for lawsuits in California have been capped at $250,000 for many years, and insurance costs haven't?

...gone down one bit. Lawsuits are only 5% of insurance companies costs - it's been proven many times including during the 2004 Presidential debates. Why is this the only suggestion they ever have?

Question about car insurance.?

my dad has never been in a car accident or anything of the sort. 4 months ago we got a 2005 dodge ram rumble bee. i was really confident about my driving. but today i was exiting on a freeway and the car in front of me stepped on the brake real hard and i had no choice but to swerve outside the lane. i didnt hit anything else but the bottom of the front bumper kinda got wrecked and bent. i didnt hit the car in front of me or anyone else and i gained control of the truck and slowly got back on the lane. so if my dad reports it to the insurance how much will it go up?? he told me not to speak of this to anyone and he was gonna say it was him that it happened to. please help. what if i replace the bumper and dont report it? should i even report it?

What is the difference between home insurance and buildings and contents insurance?

hi. I will soon be moving into my first house with my girlfriend and its all new to me. We have been told we need a few insurances. Is there a difference between home insurance and building and contents insurance? or are they both the same thing? will they cover leaks, fire, structural damage, theft, boiler etc The house is in Newcastle UK. I would appreciate any help thank you

Should I get a new health insurance plan?

Hi there, I'm a 26 y\o male living in california. I just came off my family's kaiser health plan in April and have started paying for cobra to stay on it. As of today it's $670 a month. I know very little about buying health insurance, but I'm wondering if I can get a better deal with an individual plan. My only worry is being turned down for per-existing conditions. I have an anxiety disorder which requires medication and have had 2 eye surgeries for retinal problems. I know very little about the health insurance market other than that insurers having little compassion for the gouge they put on people. Is this a fair price? Or would it be better to look for a different insurer? Also, what is a deductible and how do they work? thanks""

Car accident and cost $500 to repaint the bumper ?

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