#i remember being on my way home back from school I was probably a sophomore in hs or so and it was raining

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[tariah23]

Still crying over my friend telling me that they’ve never heard of Chief Keef-

[thecapricunt1616]

Very First Time (c.b. one-shot)

𝓢𝓷𝓲𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓽 (𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓑𝓣𝓒): “It’s you who wants to kiss me. I told you I’m a better kisser then you, so, if you don’t believe me why don’t you come find out.” He mused and went right back to reading. You sat there for a few moments, dumbfounded. You had a crush on Carmy, but it was only founded when you weren’t together - well, that was a lie, you still thought about kissing him while you were with him but would scold yourself for it that it was weird because he’s your best friend and it’s wrong to think of him that way. 

♡ Chapter Inspo: So High School - Taylor Swift ; "You know what you wanted & boy you got her" ♡ Summary: Based on ✩This✩ big brained ask from @carmenberzattosgf ♡ W/C: 9.4K ♡ Posted Date: 06/11/2024 ♡ A/N: Omg I had so much fucking fun writing this you have no idea!!! I hope this satisfies your virgin carmy tooth my dirty olive martini! Also, New look for this one shot how are we feeling yall? ♡ Warnings for BTC: SMUT SMUT SMUT, Characters are 18+, High school relationship, childhood best friend trope, virgin!carmy, Fem!/AFAB!Reader, R has long hair, No use of Y/N (r goes by childhood nickname 'squish'

♡ 𝐌𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡ ➵ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 ♡

2010

You had thought about this year at least monthly since … well - kindergarten. This was your year. 

Graduation year. 

4 decent years of high school were coming to a close. You were freshly 18 as of last week, and felt exactly the same. You actually felt worse now that your birthday had passed you by. Why? Oh. Virginity. Still having one, that thing. 

As far as you knew, all of your friends had lost theirs by now, well - you weren’t so sure. You’d think asking your longest time friend if they were also holding onto their precious dire to get rid of virginity cards as well would be easy, right? 

Wrong. Very wrong. 

This was because your bestest longest term friend? You’d been concealing a massive crush on him since sophomore year. Well, actually - technically 7th grade, when he saved your volcano from prematurely erupting by pouring borax in the hole from his project about borax crystallization after the nastiest girl in the grade dumped the cup of vinegar in it while you weren’t looking so it would explode prematurely while the teacher wasn’t watching and you’d get zero credit. 

But, you told yourself that he was just a really nice person like his sister who had babysat you a few times, so he’d probably heard about you from her and was simply being friendly. Nevertheless, the interaction made you fast friends. 

What sealed the deal to you being so close, though, was when a few days later one of the mean boys in the grade tried to make Carmy his newest victim by continually throwing pencils at the back of his head. He did this every class to someone new, and always while the teacher wasn’t looking. 

You had waited just until half a second before the pencil flew and  “Mrs.Harrison!” urgently left your lips, she quickly looked up, just in time to see the moron let the pencil go, it hit the back of Carmys head, and for Carmy send him a silent glare. 

“Jared! That’s a week of detention. It has been you with those pencils. I’m calling home too- this disruptive behavior is unacceptable!” She was so focused on writing out detention slips that she didn’t even remember you had grabbed her attention. Carmy gave you one of his shy close-mouthed smiles that made his adorable dimples show before going back to drawing some pair of cargo jean looking things on the inside of his notebook cover. 

This sealed your friendship because you had shown him your loyalty. You have my back, I have yours was always the mentality between you two. By the time you got to high school, you and Carmy were attached at the hip. In middle school, specifically in eighth grade, people would tease you two that you were dating. 

The both of you were late bloomers and hadn’t even thought about Carmy or anyone in that way yet, but by sophomore year of high school the teasing really hit home because you did have a crush on him but thought you were absolutely sure he could never like you back, that he saw you as a sister. 

Until one fateful June afternoon. 

You were laid on your full sized bed together in your childhood bedroom, flicking through a J-14 magazine to get all the latest gossip on the celebrities you follow when you settle on the Ask Sabrina page, a forum where a girl answers dating and love questions. 

Dear Sabrina, 

I was wondering - what age should you have your first kiss, French kiss, lose your virginity etc? I’m already 16 and I haven’t had sex yet, I had my first kiss at 14 and my first French kiss this year. But I feel like such a loser cause all my friends are having sex, and say it’s so much fun!! Is it really worth the hype? 

Jane from California

You roll your eyes. 16 and already had her first French kiss. She was 2 years ahead of you in that sense. You hadn’t had sex yet, either. You hadn’t really kissed a boy for real either. The only kiss you’d had to date was -

Ew! 

You had to rectify this situation immediately. The only kiss you’d had to date was Billy Guerrero? In fifth grade?! You couldn’t believe yourself. You’d let time slip away, you’d let your real first kiss prime time slip away. What guy is gonna want a girl at college who was gonna want to date a girl who can’t even kiss properly! You’d bet Carmy had kissed girls, hell he’d probably had sex already. With who you weren’t sure because the only person Carmy opened his mouth to give more then a muttered yes or no were you, and his direct family. 

Maybe it was with Claire down the street, she always seemed to you to be sweet on him. He would probably be better for him, anyway. If Mikey wasn’t teasing him about her being his girlfriend, he was teasing about you being his girlfriend. Each time he brought it up Carmy would go red as a tomato and tell him to shut up, and if Richie was around it would get even worse. 

You wondered if he liked it, why he didn’t tell you about it - wait - why hadn’t the two of you talked about sex? It wasn’t until this moment you’d realized you’d never breached the topic. You laid your magazine on your chest, flicking the cover of Carmys Spider-Man comic with your nail to get his attention from your position sprawled out over his thighs as your pillow. 

“Mm” he hums in response, blue eyes continuing to move across the page. That was something you always loved about Carmy, those large round blue eyes. You loved to tease him that he looked like Flik from bugs life. You’d done very intense studying of those eyes from your many intense staring contests over the summer breaks you two spent together, he would cheat to win, of course - but you liked having an excuse to look at his eyes, so you didn’t mind. 

“What was your first kiss like?” You test the waters. Without even realizing what you had done, he mirrored you and laid his open comic on his chest to hold his page so he could give you his full attention. 

“First kiss?” He repeats. You couldn’t believe how much better his stutter had gotten over last summer. He had told you he wanted it gone or at least as gone as he could get it by the time you went off to college, so the two of you checked out all the speech pathology books the library had to offer and got to work every day. It was hard work, but after about a month he got the hang of it. 

“Very first kiss, well - real kiss” you clarify and by nature he brushed away your bangs that had fallen in front of your eyes from the woosh of air that came from putting his comic down. 

“Uh- w-wh-“ he stops himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, focusing really hard on what he was trying to say and a few seconds later he tries again “what’s a real kiss? Like a kiss that’s not just the back of my hand?” He joked and you snorted a chuckle, rolling your eyes playfully. 

“Yes dummy like- like a real kiss on a date or something or like…I dunno have you ever had a girlfriend? Well, before you met me? Would a 6th grade girlfriend count?” You thought out loud. You hadn’t ever had a boyfriend before, and Carmy hadn’t said he was dating anyone and spent all of his time with you that wasn’t spent at home or at school, so you could safely assume he hadn’t, but just wanted to be sure. 

“n-no- no girlfriend uh- why do you ask?” He cleared his throat that way Richie did after he asked a question he knew was stupid and you shrugged a bit 

“So who have you kissed? Claire?” You ask and those big blue eyes go wide as saucers as he shakes his head no like a bobble head 

“What - what?! W-why why would you think I kissed Claire? Claire- Claire Dunlap? from down the street?” He clarified, his cheeks heating up

“Woah! Do you have a crush on her?” You sat up and he groaned, rubbing over his face dramatically. 

“Squiiish. Not you too” he groaned dramatically. “No! I don’t like Claire! Actually to be f-fucking honest everyone always trying to cram her down my throat makes me hate her!” He huffed 

“Well then who have you kissed! A real kiss!?” You question with a laugh, unsure why he was being so secretive over something so small. The two of you could vote in the next election for Christ sake, a kiss shouldn’t be this big of a deal. 

“No one!” He blurts, the heat from his cheeks bleeding up to the tips of his ears and down his neck and collarbones. “There. Ok! No one and I sure as fuck didn’t kiss Claire Dunlap.” He crossed his arms, averting your gaze. You were sat there, just staring. You were frankly trying to absorb that, it was surprising to you with such a stud of an older brother - he hadn’t gotten around. 

“Me either” you said after a few beats of silence and his eyes quickly found yours again, mouth dropping slightly and he blinked a few times, the way that told you he was trying to digest what you were saying. 

“Y-you haven’t kissed Claire-“

“Anyone” you interrupted. His jaw dropped like a trout as he stared at you in shock and you grabbed your magazine, rolling it up and bonking him on the head with it.  “Don’t look at me like that! You haven’t kissed anyone either! I technically have you beat because I kissed Billy G. at recess in fifth grade once even though it was just like… a mom kiss you know like a- like” you demonstrate a little puckery peck of your lips. 

His eyes narrowed with jealousy and you smiled proudly “Squish, one - Bear? Zero” that was one thing about you two, you were always in a competition of some kind. Who could run farther, who could read a book faster, who could get their homework done first, you never realized it translated into other things too, and that neither of you were in the lead. 

“I bet I’m better then you at kissing even though I haven’t done it I’ve practiced more so I’m good when it’s time for me to show my skill” he smirked, picking up his comic again. You scoffed 

“Practice? On what, your bathroom mirror? It doesn’t count if it’s not a person, dummy.” You said and he shrugged 

“Find out” he said casually, eyes not tearing up from the page. Now it was your cheeks that felt like they were on fire. Find out?! Find out what, does he even realize what he’s offering you right now?! 

“Find out? What- you want to kiss me?” You said and he smirked a bit, dimples showing and his eyes flick back to yours. 

“It’s you who wants to kiss me. I told you I’m a better kisser then you, so, if you don’t believe me why don’t you come find out.” He mused and went right back to reading. You sat there for a few moments, dumbfounded. You had a crush on Carmy, but it was only founded when you weren’t together - well, that was a lie, you still thought about kissing him while you were with him but would scold yourself for it that it was weird because he’s your best friend and it’s wrong to think of him that way. 

But now he was just offering like it was his apple he didn’t want at lunch.  

“French or regular?” You ask, trying to play it cool and the astonished look on his face led you to cackle, shoving his shoulder “what?! Stop looking at me like that weirdo!” You said and he smiled, shaking his head and doing one of those slow Carmy blinks as he sighs, a little smirk on his lips. He always reminded you of Natalie when he did that, he must have gotten it from her. 

“You want me to stick my tongue in your mouth?” He mused and you nod

“I actually think it goes both ways- and with 0 practice I’d win. Sure of it.” You said cockily and shrugged a bit. He snorts a chuckle

“And how do we determine a winner?” He asked, shutting his comic and resting it on the nightstand next to your bed like he was genuinely weighing the offer in his mind. 

You were quiet for a few moments, looking at him carefully - and it seemed like he was serious as you were, so you said “It’s supposed to feel good, right? So…whoever like..moans first?” 

“Uh o-okay- okay sure um.” He swallowed thickly, wiping his hands on his jeans that you assumed were clammy now how they got when he was nervous. “So- how- how do you wanna like- sit,” he asked. Fuck. You were just now realizing you weren’t actually sure. Your heart was thumping so hard in your chest, blood was roaring in your ears. This was all going so fast - you were going to do it. You were going to kiss your crush. 

“Uh-“ you said stupidly, tucking your hair behind your ears and digging your chapstick out of your pocket, cause guys like soft cherry flavored lips, right? If he was kissing you for a stupid competition you may as well make it good. “Yeah um. I think, maybe criss cross? Right? Like how we would play sailer by the sea” you crossed your legs and sat in front of him 

“We should play later I’ve been practicing with nat - I’m totally gonna beat you” he crossed his legs, and you moved in closer so your knees were touching but your faces were still about 2 feet apart, too big a distance for a kiss. “Also- we’re gonna need to be closer” he said plainly. You snorted a laugh,

“Yes - we can play. How am I supposed to get closer?” You asked, and in one fluid motion he stuck his hands under your calves, and uncrossed your legs before dragging you forward quickly and wrapping your legs around his waist. You could feel his breath. 

“There” he looks at you, eyes fanning from your eyes to your lips and back again. “That’s ok, right?” The low softness of his voice, mixed with the action of him just taking control how he did - it sent this feeling down to your core that felt so good. Like a pleasureful pulsing heartbeat, the only time you got that feeling was when you were alone in bed at night squeezing your thighs together thinking about Carmy. 

“Mmhmm” you hummed, unsure what to do with your hands so you settled for placing them on your thighs. “So- uh- ok. I guess um..let’s get started?” Your voice was small, nervous. A definite switch of roles for the two of you. You weren’t sure if this was normal, but you assumed it was for Carmy. 

He was being so normal about it, the same normal he was when you got your period at his house - he just went to Natalie’s bathroom, and came back to the guest bathroom with a few pads and tampons for you, as well as feminine wipes - normal. Not weird, like this happens every day for him. Like - periods (or in this case) sex isn’t the most embarrassing thing to teen life. His chill demeanor told you that he strictly saw it as a platonic friendly competition, so why do your panties feel sticky all the sudden?

“It’s ok- we don’t have to-“ he’s interrupted by your lips on his, 

Now or never, right? 

It was warm, a little messy at first, you found out quickly you should close your eyes since he closed his and once you did it was much easier to just focus on the sensation. His lips were soft, he tasted like the bowl of trix cereal he must have had before he came over. The way his lips moved with yours was… gentle, sweet, unhurried- you found yourself chasing them when he pulled away slightly and that caused you to open your eyes 

“You-“ he huffs a small chuckle “you have t’kiss back, Squish. S’like i’m kissing a wall here” he said. You took a shaky breath, not even realizing you were just sat there like a dead fish, unmoving, in awe that his lips were really on yours. If you hadn’t just finished your period a week ago you’d be scrambling to the bathroom to see what was going on because you were gushing. 

“Uh- sorry- sorry. I was just warming up” you clear your throat awkwardly, fingers tapping on your thighs nervously “lets try again” you said, leaning in and additionally mashing your nose with his “ow- oh- gosh, sorry” you giggle and he followed suit 

“S’not your fault my beak is getting in the way” he joked, gently tilting your face and bringing his lips back to yours. You got the message this time, moving your lips with his and wow. It felt…good. That heartbeat right above your cunt had never pulsed so hard before, it nearly hurt and you weren’t sure what to do about it with him right there. 

You’d usually use the firm corner of one of your throw pillows you kept on your bed when this uncomfortable sensation happened, thinking of exactly this - kissing Carmy - and hump it, and hump it, and hump it, until you were frustrated to tears because you still felt like you weren’t finished. That the feeling would never go away unless you stopped thinking about Carmy like that - but it was addictive, and you couldn’t help but think you were chasing something. 

It all elevated when you felt his tongue on your bottom lip, it was almost like the sensation in your core was beginning to travel throughout your entire body and that had never happened before. It went from just that strong pulsing in your cunt, travelling to a tightness that was winding up in your stomach, your breasts felt good - as strange as that thought was, the only time you remembered they were there was when they were sore because your period was coming, so the warm gushy feeling in your chest and the pangs of pleasure that were coursing through you from the simple swipe of his tongue was something to be revered.

From there, it was like you were following a script you hadn’t even known you’d memorized. Your hands found his shoulders, before travelling to the back of his neck and rubbing over the little curls at the base. You swipe your tongue over his, fingers sprawling over the back of his head to pull him in closer. You didn’t know what came over you, but you deepened the kiss, and he accepted. His hands found the back of your waist, squeezing gently and trailing up your sides, stopping hard below your breasts.

You pulled away, looking at him. If it was any other day, he’d have thought you were initiating a staring contest, but the blown-out look in your eyes and small pants leaving your lips reminded him of when their family cat had a little too much catnip and started climbing the screen doors, wild. His eyes nearly fell out of his head when the next question left your lips 

“Have you had sex before?” your voice was breathy, if you had known better you’d have called it for what it was - horny. The only thing on your mind was Carmy, not how your mom would be home any minute and you forgot to take out the chicken for dinner, not how it probably isn’t a normal thing for best friends or any friends really, to kiss. But you and Carmy hadn’t really ever been ‘normal’ friends. 

“Uhhh” he tried to find his words. He looked so pretty. His cheeks were the pretty flush pink you loved on him so much, it suited him. His lips were swollen and kiss bitten and red. You realized that the glossiness on them was a mixture of your salivas and that brought a burst of that delicious warmth to your chest. “N-no, haven’t have you- I mean- can you have sex without kissing?” he wondered out loud.

“I don’t want to leave high school a virgin” you blurt out. It was half true, you did feel a bit like a loser, even though you could always lie and tell people you had done it even if you hadn’t. It also felt like the one opportunity was presenting itself for you to have sex with your childhood crush and if he agreed, then a win is a win in your book.

“Alright and- and uh” he sits back on the headboard, huffing a chuckle and rubbing over his mouth as he thought, staring up at the ceiling to try and get a gauge on what he was about to say. It was one of the habits he’d picked up during all of your speech practice together, it was cute, almost like he was stopping the words from falling out of his mouth before he was ready to say them so it didn’t come out all jumbly and stuttered. “And you wan’t help with this- i’m assuming you see it as a problem? Thats why you brought it up, right? You want help with that…issue” he mused. 

Suddenly, you felt really, really shy. Shy, stupid, flustered, any synonym for embarrassed and feeling like a complete and utter moron. “I shouldn’t have said anything - i’m sorry, uh- you win” You got up, going over to your dresser and digging out your after-school clothes to change since you were in jeans still. Why the hell would you say that? What, was he gonna just offer to have sex with y-

“I-I mean- I don’t want to, either. I just uh- haven’t… y’know - met anyone who I trusted enough to do it with. But- it- it felt good… the kiss? So, if you wanted we could um..cause- cause I trust you, I trust you more then like…anyone- so, yeah- I-I mean it’s like- like a favor right? You uh…scratch my back- er whatever the saying is- if- if you want to” you looked back at him to see him rambling with his gaze locked on the floor, clearly feeling as stupid and embarrassed as you feel. 

Holy shit, this may actually happen. 

“Yeah- yeah” you agree, mulling it over in your mind. He’s right, this shouldn’t change your friendship, because from what you’d heard - losing said virginity wasnt fun, it was weird, uncomfortable, and a little gross sometimes, so it was almost like you two could get the awkward first time part out of the way together so you could both hit the ground running in terms of dating and hooking up when it came to college, cause that's what college was supposed to be all about, right? Finding the love of your life?

“Sure- Uh-” you swallow thickly and toss him one of the many pairs of sweatpants he kept in your dresser for when he slept over as well as a fresh t-shirt and grab yourself a clean pair of panties from your top drawer since although the awkwardness had taken away that dull needy ache, you were still uncomfortably wet and had to get yourself cleaned up and changed. “How about Friday? My parents have their date night so- you could come over after school and we can um…do it?” you ask and he nodded quickly, grabbing the sweatpants and sweatshirt.

“Yeah- perfect, that’s - mmhmm” he swallowed hard, cheeks bright red. You would totally be making fun of him right now if you weren’t absolutely sure you looked just as flustered, the two of you sharing at eachother in silence like a pair of deer in headlights. 

“I’m gonna go change” you said and left the room, closing the bathroom door behind you and sighing deeply to yourself, leaning against the door. 

And so it was set. 

Carmy had exactly 3 days to study up on this topic other than sophomore health class he knew absolutely nothing about. Well- he had found one of Michaels Playboy magazines before when he was 14, it was the first time he popped a boner and it freaked him out so bad since his father wasn’t very present and Mike hadn’t given him the talk yet. It was a solid 2 months of worrying that he had some weird dick cancer because he got hard every time he peeked through said porn-mag before he asked Mike about it, and he still hasn’t lived down the teasing. Thank god Mike kept his word on not telling Richie.

The moment he left your house that day it was straight to the Chicago public library. 3 books, 3 days. He was going to do his homework on this, because he was going to win the game he knew was inevitably pun intended coming his way. It was going to become a competition, and he knew the name of the game in sex was an orgasm, he knew that much at least, thank god. 

The 3 titles he’d settled on, 

Sex For Dummies ; He’d figured that should speak for itself, it sounded to him like the beginners guide to fucking. He wondered why every teen didn’t get a copy of this book, he’d heard guys talking about how sometimes girls are really bad in bed - so if everyone got one, like the dictionaries they all got in elementary school - he thought their lives would probably be made easier in that department.

She Comes First; and boy, was that a read. He stayed up so late Wednesday night reading it that you had to wake him in homeroom when the bell rang to go to first period. He didn’t know there were so many things to know about a vagina, but he was confident now he probably knew more then any guy in the school about pussys and what gets them going at least on paper once he read all 350 pages in one day.

He comes next; It made alot of sense. This was the breaziest read for him, he sat on the L after school reading it on the ride home. Of course, the front was covered in a brown paper bag he’d taped to it so no one could tell what he was reading, he wasn't a pervert! He was glad he read she comes first, first, because he’d learned that girls can cum more then once, and that when they do - it gets better each time. He also learned that the clit is the best part to touch, and that it actually has like- a tail? Or something? Inside that you can mess with too, and it feels super good for the girl. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to find something like that with his dick, but he guessed he’d figure it out.

The day was finally here. You had been thinking about it all week long. The prep you were doing was very different then the prep he was. You were making sure your entire body was smooth, plucking your eyebrows, waxing your upper lip, whitening your teeth, shaving your big toe. Literally, anything and everything grooming. You had put on a lacy pink thong that you’d gotten at the mall a year or so ago in preparation for the night you finally did this, but after observing yourself in the mirror you felt insecure about it. It was just Carmy, he wasn’t into you, it would be weird if you tried to be sexy, right? Like you were trying to seduce him or something? So you settled on some plain grey panties, instead, and a black bra. 

You heard a knock at the door right at 7. Exactly on time, per usual. Your parents had left for their date 20 minutes ago, so it was perfect timing. When you opened the door, you heart may as well have melted and poured out of your ass to see Carmy standing there with a bundle of red roses. “Hey- uh- so - got you these” he thrust them in your direction. They were already cut, and thornless, ready to be plopped in a vase. You could see a little bandage on the pinky finger of his non-dominant hand that wasn’t there at school today, he must have pricked himself while he was trimming them up. 

“Y’get a girl flowers, you trim em’ up, n’for the roses gotta take the thorns off, eh’? Don’t wan’t t’hurt ylady do you? And you trim ‘em cause girls like it, makes em’ all even n’shit. N’it Makes em’ live longer too. Y’givin a gift not a chore heard? Flowers need to be able to be dropped in a vase and that's it, otherwise y’re a prick f’givin’ y’r lady a job t’do” Mikey explained as he snipped the thorns off of the roses he’d gotten for his date. The conversation stuck with Carmy all these years, he promised himself one day he’d put the advice to use.

“Oh- wow - Bear, these are like -” you leaned in, smelling them deeply, the sweet floral sense filling your nose “Wow- this is so sweet of you, you didn’t have to” you stepped back and opened the door wider. He followed you in, shutting the door behind him like usual.

“Mikey says it’s what y’do I guess, so - expect flowers from guys you do this with” he nudged you with his shoulder playfully. The action made your heart flutter but also stomach sink , heavy with nerves. Right. He’s here to just get something over with, like he was probably expecting you to be and the flowers were just a result of him wanting to do things right and not because he had any real, tangible feelings for you other than platonic.

“Mmm, will do. Thanks- I’m gonna go get these in some water, you can get settled” you told him and headed into the kitchen to find a vase. When you came back to the room his hoodie was neatly folded and sitting on your desk, his shoes tucked away beneath it and there was a… towel? On your bed? 

“Uh-” you set the vase of flowers on your dresser 

“Right- uh- so the towel, they say in the books for your first time, sometimes girls will bleed a little? Or- or if I do it right things can get really wet, so…just trying to be proactive I didn’t wanna make a huge mess y’know?” he explained while staring at the towel and rubbing the back of his neck nervously how he did, heat creeping across the bridge of his nose and onto his cheeks.

“You…studied?” you smile a bit at the idea. You wondered how he did so, did he just watch porn?! You had heard from girls with boyfriends that watch porn - the sex was usually bad, and that they went way to hard and fast. You hoped it wasn’t that.

“Yeah I read some stuff.. How else will I know what the fuck m’doin?” he watched you as you sat down on top of the towel, assuming that was the spot he meant for you. 

“Uh- yea…yeah. Ok, well thanks- I guess I should have studied, too. Didn’t even think about it- my legs are soft, though. And I shaved my - um- yeah.” you said, voice getting meeker and smaller by the end. The two of you were never like this, it was usually constant banter and comfortable silence. Awkwardness wasnt something the two of you experienced together up until now.

“Thank you- you didn’t have to it’s…it’s just hair. But um…go pee, before we get started- you should pee.” he sat down on the bed in front of you. You looked at him confused, brows furrowing together but before you could ask he added “In the books, they said for girls - it can feel like…like you need to pee, right before the good part if I do it right. So, if I do do it right- I want you to be able to finish instead of worrying if you’ll pee on me, so I figured if you go pee now then-” you held your hand up, shaking your head as you stood.

“No further info needed” you said as you padded off to the bathroom. Even though the shower you had taken not even an hour prior to him coming over was so thorough made you fresh as the day you were born you still wiped up with babywipes before coming back to see 2 granola bars and 2 bottles of water on the nightstand. “Are you planning on making me pass out or something?” you joked, sitting back on the towel like before. 

He chuckled a bit “Well if i’m that good my first time it’ll be a record or something I bet” he rubbed his forearm nervously “So um..should we kiss? Like last time?” he asked, averting your gaze. You didn’t know this, but he thought he was genuinely about to have a heart attack, and the only reason he was continuing instead of asking you to call an ambulance was because if he was to die in your bed while making out because of the sheer excitement that came with the potential of you touching his dick, he would have died happy. 

The question being asked in that soft, sweet tone of his- syrupy and honest, made your stomach flip- and there was a pang of warmth to your heat that made your heart jump to your throat with anticipation. You couldn’t answer, instead, you just nodded, not breaking his gaze. Jesus fucking Christ those eyes. You had only seen the ocean once, in Hawaii on a vacation. His eyes made you think of the waters in Maui, that was how blue. You could get lost in them like they were the ocean, they often rendered you speechless, like he could peer into your soul. “Okay” he said gently.

This time, the kisses started small. He gently pecked the corner of your lips, before you remembered that yes you had a job to do here as well, and you put your hand gently on the side of his cheek, barely touching him. He could feel you shaking, so he put his hand over yours, gently squeezing your four fingers as his lips captured yours in a tender, affectionate kiss. The feeling was so…different then last time. This time felt much more purposeful, and not in the get it over with way, in the i’ve been meaning to do this, way.

Honestly, the feeling made you dizzy. Not dizzy in the kind of way that immediately made you want to throw up, -

 (Carmy learned you got very motion sick very quick at your 15th birthday party when he, Mike, Natalie, and Richie were teaching you how to play dead-man on the trampoline and within 10 seconds of being bounced with your eyes closed by the 4 of them you were scrambling to throw up a mix of cake and pasta) 

- but dizzy in the way that you weren't forming any kind of memory of the encounter, and you also weren’t sure what you were doing - but you came to with your shirt off, dry humping your best friend as he laid sprawled over your floral duvet panting into each others mouths as your childhood teddybear watched the two of you manhandle eachother, he honestly looked like he was judging, but you mentally told him to fuck off.

“Yeah-” he breathed, his cheeks were a pretty pink, his pupils “I-I think that was um…better then last time. Do you feel hot? I feel hot” he admitted, swallowing hard as you both caught your breath. You looked down and oh, yeah - he's still fully dressed. You were still mostly dressed, too. Well, your shirt - you hadn’t a clue where it went, but your fluffy pajama pants were still suffocating your thighs and holy shit..

He is hard as a rock against your clothed pussy right now. 

You look back up at him, and nod in agreement. “Feels like - wow- yeah. Uh- m’hot” you got up and saw the evidence of his arousal straining against his jeans. “Uh- so…” you trail off 

“I think i’m supposed to do that part” he sat up, taking his shirt off in that silly boyish way with one fluid motion pulling it up over the back of his head, his sandy blonde hair becoming ruffled by the action. You look over his chest, not even bothering to not stare. That was the point of this whole thing right, to experience? In turn, he crossed his arms shyly, to be expected. Carmy had been open about his upset that he got more of his moms genes then his dads. He was short, softer-jawed, smaller-lipped, and bigger-eyed, the only thing he got was the big Italian Berzatto nose. 

His brother was tall, much broader, was able to grow a full face of stubble by 17. Carmy was still patchy, but he was proud of his little patch of curly brown hair in the middle of his chest. Mike kept telling him he would ‘grow like a weed’ as soon as he turned 20, he didn’t believe it, though. 

“Oh- yea? Thats what they said in your sex books” you teased and stepped forward, between his spread thighs, likely to give his dick breathing room. His hands found your hips as he snorted a chuckle 

“Shut up” he smiled and carefully pulled down the waistband of your pajama bottoms. “I did read…” he helped you step out of them, hands trailing up the backs of your now bare thighs. The action made goosebumps appear on your flesh, nearly made you shiver. “That you are supposed to cum first, it’s like…a warm up.” he explained, looking up at you as he made his way to hold your hips again. You realized quickly, that his hands were also trembling, and he kept stroking and petting you hoping you wouldn’t notice as much. 

Your panties had a dark spot on them that he became fixated on momentarily, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. You felt that twitching at his words, your hole clenching around absolutely nothing. You weren’t sure you could remember what color the sky was if someone asked at that moment, you were so focused on Carmy, it was like you two and this bedroom were the only things in the universe. “I haven’t been able to do it, I don’t think you’ll be able to - but you can try. How do you want to do this should I just lay down and I dunno… you stick it in? I got 3 boxes of condoms, different kinds just in case” you went to open your nightstand and he stopped you, grabbing your hand. 

He chuckled a bit, you took it as a you don’t know what you’re doing, let me explain kind of laugh, but really he was just wondering how the following words came out of his mouth “I’m supposed to eat your pussy, could I try?” 

You swore your knees went weak. Carmen, Carmen Berzatto wanted to go down on you. Thank god you made sure that department was taken care of so well in preparation. “Uhhh- alright” you sat down on the towel, twiddling your fingers nervously “So- wow uh” you giggle nervously, covering your mouth with your hand. 

“Your um..you look pretty, by the way” he said while looking at the duvet. He sounded as nervous as he was when he said that. He had thought you looked pretty from the moment he walked through the door, but was too nervous until you were both literally almost naked to say it. You could hardly believe it, because you did your best to not put in a ton of effort. Sure, you were very well groomed, but you didnt like - dress up or put makeup on or do your hair how you would have wanted, you were in regular bra and panties, and pajamas when he walked in. You were also pretty sure that you had a zit growing on your chin and really hoped he hadn’t noticed.

But, that was exactly why he thought you looked so pretty. He loved that you let him have you like this, well - in both senses. He felt so lucky to be able to see you comfortable, in your element. “Thanks, dork, so do you get the honors of taking my panties too?” you teased. That was the difference between you, when you got nervous you cracked jokes and made fun of him to ease the tension in your own mind  - when he got nervous he often got lost in the tension of his own mind causing him to go quiet. 

“I do actually, says the book- so lay down” he shoots back in the same teasing tone, a small smile gracing his lips once again. You, and his brother were the only 2 that could pull him out of his head so fast, and so easily. You shook your head, laying back on the pillows he’d set up and spreading your legs, laying your feet flat on the bed. He sat in front of you, running a hand up your leg and feeling over the soft, smooth skin. “You are really soft” he muttered, almost to himself, feeling up your thigh “Do you mind if I kiss you, here?” he asked gently, running a palm over the inner of your thigh. No one had ever touched you there, so the action made you shiver since the area was surprisingly sensitive.

“Sure” you said quietly, watching his every move with wide, curious eyes. You were sure the wet spot on your panties had grown tremendously due to the way you felt dripping down the curve of your ass, thank god for that towel when they come off or my sheets would probably soak through by the end of this. He started at your ankle, leaving gentle pecks and putting your manicured foot on his shoulder as he continued his journey of kissing up your shin, over your knee, not leaving a single part unkissed. If this is what sex was about, you totally got why all your friends were raving about it, because you were being driven absolutely wild and it hadn’t even really started yet. 

He kissed up to your thigh, laying down in between your legs. His forearms were wrapped around the plush of your thighs, hugging them as he left kisses over the waistband of your panties. The action made your stomach muscles clench at how good he was making you feel. You needed something to touch you, though. That was the only thing on your mind, but before you could ask - he beat you to it. “Would you be ok with me kissing your middle here?” his voice was husky, breathy. He was gripping your thighs so his hands wouldn't shake, he was fucking panting like he just ran the mile in P.E. and he wasn’t sure why. 

His mouth was watering at the smell of you, he had to fucking swallow a mouthful of spit before he could say something. He felt like a fucking starved animal, but he was gathering every polite, gentlemanly fiber of his being to remain kind, gentle. “Please do” you said and without hesitation, he was essentially making out with your cunt through your panties. The sight was filthy, but so sexy it was making your head spin. 

Whines and moans were leaving your throat you weren’t even aware of as you watch him, slack jawed and sucking at the fabric of your panties, grunting and moaning at the flavor. “T-take em off…please-” you weren’t sure where the bedroom voice that came out of you came from, but he seemed to like it at the way his eyes rolled and fluttered shut at the way you were begging for him to eat you out. 

He sat up just enough to get your panties pulled off, shoving them in the back pocket of his jeans before laying back down and resuming his position. “Taste so, so good, squish, better than I imagined” he said before kissing your mound. The wet clicking sound of your pussy clenching at his words made heat rush your cheeks in embarrassment, but it made his dick twitch against his jeans. “Can I kiss your clit?” he asked, the casualness of his tone made your head fall back on the pillow, covering your face with embarrassed hands at the vulgarity of it all.

“Go ahead, Bear” you said, smile lacing your voice. 

“I liked it when you were lookin’ at me, just so you know” he said, spreading you out with his fingers and looking for just a moment, he found it easily as it had grown nearly twice it’s size, peeking out of its hood. He attached his lips to it, just like the book he’d read said to do, and lightly sucked, before flicking his tongue lightly over it. Your hand clamps over your mouth to stifle the cry that left your throat, hips jerking and you grab his hair with your other hand, not even meaning to but tugging. 

This caused a moan to leave his throat, which in turn caused his lips to vibrate, and you looked down at him, vision hazy like a dream at the sensation. “God- oh god- feels so good Bear - wow- you’re so good at this” you said, breath heavy and jaw slack “uh-huh” you whine when he pads his tongue over your clit in wide, wet drags. The sounds his mouth was making as he sucked and kissed and lapped at your juices were absolute sin, the hottest shit you’d ever heard. 

“D’you like it more when I kiss your clit like I was doin’ or when I run my tongue on it like that?” he asked, sucking at your folds and nose nudging your clit as he waited for an answer. 

“Both - Both- everything feels good - you feel so good” you praised, pushing his bangs from his face. He smiled into you proudly, continuing to lick, and suck, and swirl his tongue. It had been a knot building for a while, and it had been about 30 minutes of him doing this, when you felt it. But, all the activities you’d been engaged in the conversation you had before you started slipped your mind. “Fuck- fuck - sorry- I gotta pee” you told him and tried to tug him off

“Y’dont, trust me, just trust me” he said determined, he had told himself before going into this that if he could make you cum, that it would be his prize because per the books he’d read one of the main complaints with women was that their male partners didn’t bother to be sure they finished, so if you never wanted to do this again - he’d pride himself internally forever on be the very first man to ever make you cum. 

You whined, back arching to the ceiling and hips dipping back into the bed. You didn’t want him to stop, so you weren’t sure why you were subconsciously trying to wiggle away. Your eyes had been closed for a few moments, and you felt a hand on your stomach, dancing fingers following it. You opened them to see him looking up at you, and his eyes flicker to his hand that was laying palm up on your belly before meeting your gaze again, in a silent ask for you to hold his hand. 

Without thinking, you did so, needing to be grounded in that moment. His thumb rubbed soothing strokes on the back of your hand as he built up the speed of his tongue, running it back and forth and up and down, flicking it, sucking on the sensitive nub until your brain turned to mush, and stars filled your vision. 

“Carmy Carmy- Oh shit- Yes” 

The grand finale only lasted about a minute or two, but by the end your thighs were shaking and you were gasping for breath. “Y’need to breathe, did you forget humans need oxygen to live?” he teased. You’d usually give him a light punch on the shoulder for that, but your whole body felt like warm jelly. 

“Shut up” you pant, looking down when you feel your clit twitching every few moments “I think you broke it its like.. Having a seizure or something” you said and you both burst into giggles. After a few moments of comfortable quiet you nudge him with your foot “Hey” he looks up at you “Its your turn now” you said and his brows raised

“Y-you don’t have t’do that, that was sex, so - congratulations we are both not virgins” he wiped his chin on the inside of his arm and sat up. You furrowed your brow

“No- I want to, I can make you cum, too ” you said, in your mind, it was a challenge - and when it came out of your mouth you realized how it sounded.

“Are you… asking me for permission to suck my dick?” he looked at you carefully. Shyly, you just nod. For whatever reason the nature of the room and this particular situation had the two of you acting out of traditional character roles, and he was the one being bold. “I want you to say it, then you can suck my dick” he said and stood up, unbuttoning his jeans and looking at you, brows raised expectantly as he waited for you to do as he asked.

Your throat suddenly felt dry, and you were starting to drip on that damn towel again. “Bear, I wanna suck your cock, Can I please?” you asked, tone innocent yet laced with a confident determination. His breath got caught in his throat, you swore his eyes could have fallen out. He didn’t know the word cock was apart of your very colorful vocabulary, he could have creamed his boxers with the way that the word rolled off of your tongue. 

“Sure” he said all too casual and tugged off his jeans, kicking them to the side. He laid down with you, like how he was while you were making out and you got on your knees tugging the waistband of his boxers until his cock came out and kissed his navel, the tip glistening with pre. 

“So-” you look at it, mouth watering at the sight. You had never done this, but you were sure that you knew one thing for sure, Carmy had a really pretty cock. You didn’t even realize you were staring until he said 

“S’not gonna suck itself, squish.” 

Oh, right, that was what you were doing. You grab it and he hissed “Fuckin’ hell- y’tryna rip it off? A little nicer, please” he chuckled a bit and you felt your cheeks heat, loosening your grip. 

“Sorry…” you said sheepishly, bending over and licking the tip of it, one slow drag from the back of your tongue to the tip of it, flicking your tongue over the slit your nose scrunching slightly at the new flavor. The action though, had Carm seeing stars and his toes curling.

“Hhhhnnn- oh my fucking god” he rasped. You figured that was a good thing, so you did it again “Squish I-” and again, “yes- fuck” and again, “Squish i-i’m gonna mmmmmffff” he whined, his cock twitching in your hand and leaking pre in a near continuous drip. You had no expirience, so you had no idea what this meant, or that he was trying to warn you. With 3 more slow sensual ball to tip licks, he was shooting cum all over your nose, upper lip, tongue, and chin. You squeak in surprise, sitting up and licking your lips. “Oh- hmmmmfuck- gimme a sec” he groaned, taking over for you and stroking himself, the remainder of his load shooting over his stomach. 

You watched in awe as he got himself off, back lightly arched and head fallen back, eyes closed as sexy pants and moans left his lips, along with soft “fuck - thank you, thank you” It was literally the hottest thing you had ever seen. He stopped after a moment, finding his breath and looking up at you, when he saw your milky white chin it both made his softening dick twitch and drew a chuckle from him. “When I keep saying im gonna do something and my dick is leaking like a broken sink it means open up er get out of the splash zone” he joked and grabbed his shirt, wiping your chin and neck. 

You laughed, laying back down and sighing contently. “Noted for next time” you said and he fixed his boxers, sitting up and stroking your calf. 

“There can be a next time? I mean…. I was hoping so that was really fun, felt really good” he said and you nod, smiling a bit 

“Sure, I mean, yeah… but it doesn’t mean we stop like- doing friend stuff, right?” you questioned. As much fun as you had, you could never give up something as treasured as your friendship for something as trivial as sex. 

“Oh, absolutely, who else is gonna wait w’me to get the new spiderman comics? And whos gonna feed you when your parents are out of town?” he teased and you rolled you eyes playfully, smiling and shaking your head. 

“Love you, dork” you bit your lip as he brought your other ankle to his lips. 

“Love y’too, Squish. Can I?” he looked down at your glistening core, before back at you. You bit your lip lightly, you weren’t sure if all men were this enthusiastic about eating pussy - but you were thankful that he was because your mind was still swimming from the last time and you had to experience it again. 

“Mmhmm” you spread your legs wider for him and he took your hand, lacing his fingers with yours as he got to work. You had found quickly that when you tell him something feels good or he’s doing a good job that it really got him going. It was cute, truly, how he loved being praised, so you made sure to do it whenever you could get something out that wasn't a babbled, coherent mess since the pleasure he was providing was causing your brain to short circuit.

An hour and a half and 3 orgasms later, after about 10 minutes of trying to catch your breath and cool down since you were boiling from the blood coursing your system like an F1 racetrack, you sit up. “M’gonna go get cleaned up” you said, going to get up on wobbly legs.

“No! No, I got it lay down don’worry” he said and made his way to the bathroom. He came back with babywipes and a wet wash cloth, as well as a dry clean towel to wipe off with after. He helped you wipe up and knowing your bedroom by heart, he went over to your dresser and got you a fresh set of panties and a tshirt, as well as a pair of his sweatpants so you could both be comfortable. After you had both gotten dressed, he laid in your bed after bringing the towel downstairs to the wash for you both as well as your dirty clothes, and you cuddled into his chest as you turned on your little tv, playing the next episode of Glee and he hands you a granola bar after being sure you had a few sips of water to replenish.

“To no longer being virgins, hm?” he smiled a bit, holding his bar up in a silly idea of a toast. You tap yours to his with a grin

“To no longer being virgins”

Part 2 here

[tlouadditc]

screw the cops!!

cop!ellabs x dealer!reader

warnings: 18+, MDNI, smut with plot, mentions of drugs [marijuana], cop!ellabs, dealer!reader, a lil bit of knifeplay, dom!ellabs, sub!reader, use of y/n, reader gets cut a lil bit oops!, probably more but i cant think of it rn

last minute a/n: this was another ask i forgot to put under the question ☹️ anyway thank u for the ask!!

[10:06 pm]

MY FAV ;): heyyy u got an 8th?? i can pick up at the library in 15 :)

you read the text, grumbling as you get up from your couch. you quickly shoot back:

YOU: lmk when ur there

it was supposed to be an off-day; sit in your dorm, watch tv, maybe have someone over, but no. everyone needed your shit at all times. she's lucky she's your favorite -- otherwise you would've told her to fuck off.

locking your door behind you, you get in your car and pull out of your driveway. as you glide through the gentle darkness, you feel random anxiety, like something bad is happening. it could be the lack of sleep. it could be the upcoming deadline you haven't started. it could also be the fact the entire campus is being searched because some dumbass freshman left his- no, sorry, YOUR- weed in his dorm and got the cops called. he didn't snitch luckily; he knows you would've gotten him killed if he did. but now there's a patrol going on until they find who's distributing. it's not like you wanted to live this life- you barely graduated high school, getting a small scholarship to a local college. the debt hit you, parents refused to help you anymore because you're an adult, blah blah blah blah. you ended up here to finally make a stable income and not have to chose between being warm or being fed consistently.

the sob story makes you cringe, snapping back into reality as you park in a spot by the front of the campus library. you pull out your phone and send:

YOU: here. wya

3 bubbles quickly pop up, written with a response:

MY FAV ;): kk coming out now

as you read the text, you hear the front doors swing open and a tall, slim figure gets larger as it comes closer. as she steps into the streetlight, you see her; sophomore dina. her long, onyx hair dances down her back as she comes closer to your car. she rests one arm on your window, other arm reaching into her pocket. she pulls out 35 bucks, tilting her head to the side slightly and smirking. you hand her a small baggie and take the bills out of her hand, shoving it into your pocket. "you're the best," she gushed, taking her arm off your window. she starts to turn to walk back to the library when she says, "oh, by the way, gave my friend your number."

you freeze, looking up at her in pure horror. "you what?"

"okay, chill, she's cool," she quickly explains, putting a hand on her hip in annoyance.

you roll your eyes, "the entire campus is getting fucking raided, for god's sake. cmon, dina."

"so, what? not everyone's a dumbass like that kid was."

you sigh. you guess she's right. plus, more business for you in the long run. she gives some information about this girl; her names ellie. she's a sophomore majoring in astrophysics who transferred from another school in jackson. around 5'5, auburn hair, science nerd. "pretty sure she's gay, too," dina winks.

you roll your eyes once more before pulling out and returning home. as soon as you unlock the door and step in, you check your other phone, an unknown number's texts sitting on the lock screen.

[UNKNOWN NUMBER]: hii this is y/n right?

[UNKNOWN NUMBER]: dina gave me ur number

gotta be ellie, you think to yourself. kinda cute. you don't respond; you hate small talk. no point in trying to get to know each other if you already know what they want. you put your phone down and start to get ready for bed.

an hour later, you get out of your shower and into comfy clothes. as you get into your freshly made bed, your other phone buzzes. you would usually ignore it, but you remember; debate checking the message or leaving it alone until tomorrow. eventually, curiosity gets the best of you and you check your phone. you groan as you read the message:

[11:37pm]

EL: i know its late but can u drop off? i need it :(

goddamnit, leave me alone!

you type up some message along the lines of 'im off today, ask tomorrow bitch,' but decide to be nice. you don't know why, but you only respond with the following:

YOU: off today. ask tmr

3 dots in a bubble move swiftly as a response pops up on your screen:

EL: pleaaaaase itll be quick

you sigh. she's not gonna let up; just like dina.

YOU: fine. ill b at the library.

she hearts your message as you throw on some sweatpants and grab your keys. you go on the same drive but you feel no anxiety this time. it's a newbie, for god's sake- she's the one who's probably nervous. you even put on some music this time, drake lowly lulling in your vehicle. you pull up, same spot as earlier, and you turn down your music. you go to text her, but the doors open before you can press a letter. she's just as dina described- until she gets up to your window. her scattered freckles complimented her bright, emerald eyes. her friendly expression made you soft under her gaze. you didn't realized she was talking for a while until she whispered, "uh... hello?"

"what?" you said, clearly perplexed. she smiled as you remembered what you're there for. she hands you 25 bucks as you place the baggie in her free hand. she lets out a silent "thanks" before you get ready to drive back home.

"uh, actually," she suddenly blurted out, catching your attention. she seemed nervous, like she had something to say, but she was scared of the outcome. "do you mind.. uh.. giving me a ride back home? i mean i walked down here and it's dark so-"

"hop in," you interrupted. it was pretty dark and you wouldn't want patrol on her ass about being out by herself, so you decided to get it over with. she pranced around to the passengers side and practically jumped in.

the ride to her dorm was quiet. ellie was on her phone the entire time; you assumed it was her roommate asking her where she's at. there was a bit of tension you could feel in the air; what type? you couldn't answer that.

coming to a stop at the entrance of her dormitory, she thanked you once again before you prepared to go home yourself.

"you could stay the night," she mumbled, fumbling with the bag in hand.

"what? no- no, i can't do that," you answered. you weren't against staying over, but... going home with someone you literally met an hour ago? absolutely not.

"jus' c'mon. it's late," she insisted, biting her lip anxiously. "plus, i owe you." you sight and give in, turning off the engine and ignition before grabbing your keys and phone and joining her on the walkway. she smiled politely and led you to her dorm.

the entire time you were walking with her, you assessed her appearance in clearer light. her hair was a shaggy cut, parted to the side and tucked behind her ears even though some stray strands still stood. her eyes were welcoming and friendly, giving you a warm feeling of hope. she had a tattoo on her right arm; a fern and a small butterfly. you debate asking her the meaning, but decide against it.

you snap out of your trance when you make it to her door. she unlocks the door and gently pushes it in, leaving room for you to step inside. "come in!"

you take 3 steps inside before you're pushed to the ground and pinned by strong, rough hands. "what the fuc- hey!" you start to shout. you squirm, hopelessly attempting to be freed from the tight grasp of what you thought was a male officer.

"you're under arrest," an unfamiliar, feminine voice states, "for possession and distribution of marijuana. you have the right to remain silent at this time." you see ellie's shoes standing in front of you, silently taunting you as you're handcuffed.

fuck, i should've never trusted her.

you're patted down and escorted to an unmarked car, parked around 30 feet away from your car. the unfamiliar figure is a tall, built woman with a long, blonde braid swinging down her back. her calloused hand grips you tightly as you're being walked. once you reach the vehicle, you're thrown into the back and the door slams in your face. you don't argue or protest; you were caught after one fuck up.

"didn't expect to catch her so easily," ellie brags, slightly looking back at you. you scowl at her, feeling betrayed by not only ellie, but dina, too. she had [hopefully] unknowingly helped them ruin your life. you were for sure not going to be able to finish college now. you wouldn't be able to get a job nice enough to stabilize your life. not to mention the possibility for 5 years of jail time and fees. it all made your head hurt. tears weld up in your eyes as you started to really let reality sink in.

"aw, she's crying," the blonde officer teased, looking at you through the rear-view mirror. you blinked back the tears before spitting out, "fuck you."

"the fuck you just say to me?"

"you heard me; fuck. you."

you could see her jaw clench, her bone well-defined under her skin. "oh, i know you wanna fuck me." a snicker was heard from the auburn girl.

the hell??

it was a weird response, but you decided to play into it. you're already being sent to jail; why not have fun?

"you wouldn't do anything about it if i wanted to anyway."

you saw the blonde's eyes go wide and her jaw drop with disbelief, looking over at her partner. ellie seemed calm, but intrigued by the situation. it was silent, but the way their eyes met was like they were talking through eye contact. ellie tilts her head towards you, signaling something to the other officer. as if she could read her mind, the blonde nods and pulls over to an abandoned alleyway.

"what's going on?" you question, attempting to hide the fear in your voice, but failing miserably. the blonde got out of the car and slammed the door shut as ellie simply answered, "you said we wouldn't do anything, hm?"

a shiver went down your spine as the door to your right opened, the blonde hopping in as you scooted all the way to your left.

"uh-uh, come here," she demanded as her hand wrapped around your neck and dragged you back to her. at this moment, your back rests against her toned thighs, handcuffed hands under your ass, legs laying on the seat.

"you wanna be disrespectful to me and my partner?" she jerks your head up, making you look at her. her sharp features take up your vision as she looks down at you with dark eyes. "you think you were just gonna get away with that? nuh-uh, not on my watch." you take your gaze off her face to read her badge, which reads "ABBY ANDERSON".

you're so focused on abby that you don'r realize ellie is on the other side of you, watching you and abby interact. you feel a sharp object on your jeans, scoring against the material. your head jerks down to see ellie running a pocketknife over your clothed cunt, fear and adrenaline running through you all at once. your breathing picks up speed as she cuts through your jeans, making a hole in the crotch. abby chuckles at your reaction, caressing your face as she coos, "not so tough now, huh?"

you're too caught up in looking at ellie's actions to respond. she puts the knife down, letting a feeling of relief wash over you. she mutters a "fuck it" before placing both hands on either side of the hole she made and ripping your jeans. you gasp, anxiety filling you once more. she smirks up at you, grabbing her knife and running it over your barely covered pussy. she loves the way you try to get away from her knife, silent cries as she gets closer to the meat of your thigh. she slightly cuts into you, small drops of blood racing down your inner thigh. you wince in pain, turning back to abby. "shh, it's okay," she reassures, kissing your sweaty forehead. "just a little cut. you're okay." you feel ellie's warm tongue running over the wound, collecting the red liquid. she kisses near your core, green eyes piercing into you before whispering, "so sweet" and smiling. abby gently kisses you, drawing your attention away from your cut to her and only her. she taps her pointer finger on your chin and whispers "open up", which you obey to. her lips purse together, gathering the liquid in her mouth before a ball of saliva drops into your mouth and onto your tongue. "swallow," she commands, and you close your mouth and swallow it, feeling it slip down your throat. she smiles, tapping your cheek lightly as she praises you. "good girl. she's doing so well, isn't she, el?"

ellie hums, hyper-focused on your pooling pussy. "so wet," she says in awe, "all this gets you off, doesn't it?"

you're oh so needy, cunt begging to be touched in any form. you nod ferociously, whining for any friction on your puffy clit. "you want it, yea? beg for it."

"p-please, ill do anything, just fuck me- ohmygod-" you babble, hips bucking up into ellie's face. she chuckles before looking up to abby, meeting her gaze. "she's been so good for us. give her a lil' reward."

with that, ellie cuts your underwear with one swift movement, completely exposing your pussy to her. she gasps at the sight, glistening skin in the low light. she whispers a spew of curses, spreading you apart as abby kisses you passionately. you moan into the kiss as ellie rubs your bud with her thumb. your noises go straight to her core, making her slightly whimper. she lays a flat tongue on your core, soaking up all of your juices on the pink muscle. abby wraps a firm hand around your throat, restricting airflow enough to make you completely feel ellie on you.

"fuck- oh, my god-" you cry, tears welling up in your eyes once more. the feeling is too much; abby kissing you, ellie eating you out- everything is overstimulating you. ellie smiles against your pussy, sucking on your clit while shoving two fingers in you. you whine and squirm away from her, but her other hand keeps you in place.

"i'm gonna- m'cumming- !!" you breathe, clenching around ellie's long fingers. abby praises you through it; "oh, so good for us, baby." "cum all over her fingers f'me, yes." small kisses are planted on your face once again, soothing you through your orgasm. ellie slowly takes her fingers out with a pop! before shoving one glistening finger into her mouth. she moans at the taste of you, maintaining eye contact with you. "shit, so sweet," she murmurs, looking over at abby. "wanna taste?"

"of course," abby says slyly, glancing over at you before sucking on ellie's middle finger, completely cleaning it off. she moans at the taste, finally letting ellie's middle finger go after a couple of seconds. she pulls you into another sloppy, heated kiss, making you taste yourself on her tongue.

"such a sweet thing," she coos, wiping your face. "too bad we gotta take you in now."

"can't let me off with a warning?"

"we would, but we'd be here for much longer and you'd be more bruised up." abby frowns in a mocking manner.

"so you're taking me in with no pants or underwear?"

"yup. don't underestimate us and, more importantly, don't sell drugs."

a/n: this was so fun to write omg ... part 2 will be coming me thinks

[chaosduckies]

Broken Strings

Another little one-shot of Nathan and Ryker. It’s short, pretty fast paced, but I still kind of like how it came out. A lot of comfort cause I was in the mood, and this was just a random scene I had thought of. So I hope you guys like it! :D

Word Count: 2.4k

CW: Death, depression, that’s pretty much it!

———Ryker———

Today was a special day. A traumatizing one, yes, but it was special. Not just because it was just heart-breaking, but because it marked the day when my world had come crashing down on top of me. The day when everything wasn’t going to be alright just like my parents had always said. Today was the day they had died. 

Just after I had started my sophomore year in school. I remembered it like any other day. My parents were going on their anniversary date, I stayed at home to watch everyone for a couple hours. I wasn’t as good at it as I am now, but I still managed for a couple hours. They had called to tell me they were coming home late. But they never did come home that night. Instead, I rushed everyone to the hospital, in hopes that it was just a nightmare. That the call I had received was fake. But it wasn’t 

It was a car crash. Just minutes after they had said they would be coming home. A driver had crashed right into them, drunk and placed into custody for driving while intoxicated. If only they hadn’t gone out. If only they could have spent their anniversary at home for just one more year. 

Of course fate has another plan. I remember how broken and miserable I was. How I didn’t get any sleep for days on end. How I didn’t eat or drink anything for what seemed like weeks. 

How I completely forgot all about my siblings for months. 

I regret not being there for them when they needed me most. It still hurts to this day to remember what happened. What must have gone through their heads as they were dying. I miss them so much, and it stills hurts me more than any of my siblings. Which was why every year I spent the day alone. Jasmine thought it was best for me to stay by myself on this day specifically. Mostly because I can get a little angry and depressed at everyone. 

——————

The entire week I’ve been in and out of it. On top of the college work that’s been piling up on top of me, and keeping up with the upcoming school months for everyone, it’s been a rough couple of days. It seemed while everyone was having a good time laughing and messing around with one another as usual, I was just… empty. I felt dead. Just as I have for the past two years. So today, everyone had fixed themselves up fro school, sounding worried about me like they always were, and left just as usual. 

I groaned, heading to the cold living room instead of lounging in bed all day. Jasmine probably told Nathan to head out for the day. He’s noticed that I’ve been more sluggish and fatigued lately. I’m sure someone told him why. They probably jut want to make sure I won’t do anything stupid, which I probably do anyways. On days like this I just lay down somewhere, drown in my sorrows, and hope that maybe the rest of the time they’re not with me will be okay. I just have to remember who I have to look out for. 

As I made my way to the living room, there was a tiny yelp from almost right by where I was stepping. I immediately looked down, shocked by what I was seeing. Nathan stayed? Did Jasmine or Dylan not tell him? More importantly, why was he trying to push a bottle of pills? I looked back, seeing that he was pushing them towards my room. So did someone tell him? Did he choose to stay behind? I should definitely apologize. 

I slid down the wall, watching him come a little closer to me. Why was he staying here? He should go. I might accidentally hurt him like I already almost did. Then I would never forgive myself. Who knew dating a human could be so hard? I don’t know when I’m holding him to tightly for a hug, or how he wants to be held, or most of the time I can never convince him to just take a break and not focus on trying to help me out. But I guess the pros outweigh the cons. By a landslide. 

“S-sorry.” I mumbled, sighing and biting the inside of my cheek. 

“It’s fine,” He smiled, “C-could you take one of these though? P-Please?” He tried pushing the bottle of pills closer to me, barely budging it. Then again, the bottle was full and like twice his own height. 

I carefully grabbed the top so I wouldn’t scare him as much, and so he wouldn’t fall over when I picked it up. I undid the lid, grabbing one of the pills and eyeing it. What will these do for me? I don’t feel sick… just tired. I wasn’t up for doing anything. I just wanted to lie down on the cold floor and rest. Not that Nathan’s here, maybe I can’t even do that? Do I have to keep my attention on him? I don’t think I can do that. At least not for today. I’m too depressed today. 

Listening to Nathan, I took a pill, closing the bottle and setting it off to the side. I trust that he didn’t give me anything that would affect me too much. After all, we’ve been together for about four months now. How could I not trust someone as great as Nathan? 

“Everything okay?” He asked, climbing onto my let-down hand and hugging my thumb the way he always does when I’m feeling upset. It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking at all times. I really wish I was his size or even vice versa. I can’t really feel when he tries to show affection. It’s the sad truth, but of course I always try. He’s just so small, of course I find it adorable, but right now I don’t want to accidentally do something stupid with him. 

“N-Not really. U-Um, I’m sorry for this, but would you mind not… being around me for a while? I-I’m sorry.” I apologized, slowly sliding him off of my hand. He looked a little sad at first but just nodded, “A-alright. W-will you call me if you need anything?” He asked before taking a couple steps back. My heart dropped for hurting his feelings, but I think it would be worse if I hadn’t told him. 

I nodded my head, forcing myself to stand up, grab a blanket, and lie down on the cold floor like I always did. Maybe when I wake up I’ll feel better. 

At least that’s what I tell myself every year.

———Nathan———

He had been sleeping for the past couple of hours. He must’ve been a haunted from barely getting any sleep last night, on top of the pill I made him take. It was a little past midday, and I had nothing better to do  other than to take care of Ryker. That’s what I was supposed to do anyways. It’s my job. Since I’m pretty much useless in any other situation. But right now he’s hurting. And I’m going to make sure that I help him out the same way he did when my mom had passed away. 

Jasmine had told me this morning that it would be better if I stayed out for the day. That Ryker can be a little careless of his actions when he’s like this. I sort of believe it, but I doubt he’d actually hurt anyone. So now, it was my turn to be there for him. 

I was currently watching something on my phone, sitting down on the floor next to the pillow Ryker was laying his head on. I didn’t want him to think that I had left him. That would be the worst thing to do. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that I couldn’t hold him like he could to me. I couldn’t comfort him the same way, nor could I even do half the amount of the things he does for me. There was no harm in trying though. 

Ryker stirred in his sleep before finally waking up, rubbing his eyes and burying his head into his pillow, groaning. I was guessing he didn’t feel any better. Neither did I no matter how many times I tried to sleep it off. To think that he’s been going through this for the past two years. I wish I could’ve been there for him then too. 

He picked up his head, eyes wandering around for a bit before landing on me. I smiled nervously, shoving my phone into my pocket and standing up. 

“Do you want me to go still?” I had asked, playing with my hands. I had thought he was going to say no before he pinched me between his thumb and pointer, bringing me closer to him. I shocked when I saw that his eyes were being flooded with tears, him trying to wipe them away before any of them fell. Ryker shook his head, “N-no.” 

So I stayed, being placed on top of his pillow while he struggled to keep his tears in. I smiled softly, “It’s okay to cry in front of me, Ry. I’ve cried in front of you before, right?” I laughed to brighten up to meet, happy to see that he slightly chuckled, getting rid of some of the thoughts and emotions he must be feeling. Good to know I was helping out in some way. 

Ryker had let a few tears drop, burying his face into his hands, “Nate, I don’t know what to do…” I jumped, not really knowing what I was supposed to do now either. 

“You don’t know what to do?” I questioned again, “What do you mean?” 

He cupped his hand behind me, looking at me with broken eyes, “I-I mean like, It’s hard of taking care of everyone. I miss my parents, Nate.” He scooted me closer, almost to the curve of his nose. If I wasn’t so used to being so close to Ryker I probably would have been freaking out right now. But there was no need to be afraid. At least not when I knew Ryker would never purposely hurt me. 

I hugged him, trying to make sure he could feel it as much as possible since I know he barely can. He probably needs this right now, and I just wish I could do better for him. He doesn’t deserve to be hurting this much. His parents are dead, and obviously that’s affecting him so much. 

Ryker was surprised at first, then he just tightly pressed me up closer, obviously wanting the same amount of comfort he’s given me before. I admit, I could barely breathe, but I would make that sacrifice for him if it makes him feel better. 

“My parents would have loved you.” He whispered, going cross-eyed just to take a look at me. My heart skipped a beat. His parents would have liked me? Was he serious? Wouldn’t they think that I wasn’t enough for him? I mean I think that, but I’m still trying my hardest. 

“Are you sure?” I laughed softly, hoping this wasn’t a touchy subject for him. Instead, he smiled right back at me, “Yup. They would love the way you try to help me, they way you take care of my siblings when I can’t… I wish they could be here to see you.” Hi slips quivered before a few more tears fell down. I rolled my sleeve up as far down my arm as I could and tried wiping them away, ending up getting all wet. A small sacrifice I would make anytime. 

Ryker sucked in a sharp breath, “You would’ve loved my mom. She liked baking like you do and reading when she thought no one was looking,” He laughed, “My dad absolutely loved building these small little things, part of the reason why they were so happy when they had Angel.” His voice sounded like he was ready to take another nap, but I doubt it. 

“And now they’re gone.” He released the breath he had been holding, shutting his eyes tightly. He really missed them. A lot. Like I had missed mine. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Alright? I’m right here.” His eyes focused on me. He pulled his face away, wiping away the tears that trekked down his face, slightly laughing at me but with an apologetic look on his face. 

“Sorry! I got you all wet.” We sat laughing for a while. Maybe he didn’t think so, but I’m sure he’s feeling a lot better. Maybe instead of leaving him alone for the day what he really needed was just for someone to be with him. It made me extremely sad to think that he had been all alone last year, but now he has me. I’m glad that I didn’t leave. Otherwise what would’ve happened? 

By the end of it, it had seemed like Ryker was feeling all better. He was smiling, but I could tell something else was bothering him. I just didn’t know what. 

“Hey Nate? Um, thanks for not leaving.” He mumbled, picking his head up slightly. I was shocked to say the least, but otherwise smiled. 

“Aw Ry, It’s my job. How could I leave you when you didn’t leave me?” His face flushed a deep red. I couldn’t help but laugh, only to be shut up by Ryker pressing his lips onto me. He picked his head up a little, smirking, “Laughing now huh?” Then pressed against my body even more. I probably would have passed out if he hadn’t realized he was being a little too overwhelming for me. I couldn’t breathe, at all, and honestly this was too much affection for me to handle. Mark that as our third official kiss. 

As soon as he had quickly pulled away, panicking because he had thought he was being too careless. Honestly, maybe a little, but I wasn’t going to complain. If it’s what he wanted. I was feeling a little dizzy from the lack of oxygen though. Not to mention that my head was overheating. Such a great combination. You know? 

But I think everything would be okay. Even if he was still a little sluggish from what happened all those years ago. It’s some progress to help him out. I can tell that this was what’s been bothering him ever since I’ve met him. Why he’s always on edge. Why he sometimes watches what he says. Why he’s always so tired and exhausted from taking care of everyone. I just have to help him as much as I possibly can. 

——————

Idk I had thought of this a while back. Idk if I like it that much or not, but I wrote it soooo why the heck not :D

I hope you guys liked it, and thank you for reading!

[serendertothesquad]

The Ultimate Serendipity-Odd Squad Lore Post

Because you people keep asking for my entire story.

No, no, not my life story. Christ sakes, we'd be here until Gen Z'ers died off if I had to reiterate my whole life story.

No, I'm talking about my entire Odd Squad story. You know, how I got here to begin with, how I rose to fame, and how I am objectively still a god without a religion, a cult, or a religious cult. That story. You all want to hear that story.

If you're an oldie, you've probably already heard my tale at least once. If you're new here to the funny kids STEM show fandom, then damn boy howdy are you in for a wild ride.

Get a snack and a drink, pop below the break, and let's begin.

Allow me to take you back to the year 2014. I was the ripe young age of 15, finishing up my sophomore year of high school, and suffering from undiagnosed depression of the "I'm trapped in my own home" variety. We didn't have cable, and so stuff like PBS Kids, NBC Kids, and 4Kids were the only things I watched on a regular basis. In the online space, I was largely chronline to the tenth degree (and note the "largely", because, y'know...school). The Internet, and spaces like Tumblr, served as escapism, and I spent a lot of time particularly in the Wild Kratts side of things.

I had first heard of Odd Squad through PBS's own upfront, the PBS Annual Meeting, that was held in May (though the show was, as I would find out much later, officially announced back in January at that year's TCA Winter Press Tour). It was the network's first live-action show since The Electric Company reboot in 2009 that got swiftly cancelled, which was already enough to get me interested because PBS hadn't taken a chance on live-action stuff since. The premise, as well, was charming and incredibly interesting -- a secret organization that solves problems using math sounded a little saccharine and thus perfect for PBS Kids, but since it was live-action, I figured it could bring a little spice to the network in a way that not other kids shows of the modern network era (read: 2013 onwards, past the network redesign) did. The fact that PBS was willing to go all-in on the show, up to teasers, previews, even having two new games available for fans to play before its premiere, was practically the cherry on top.

Fast-forward to around September. By this point, teasers and promos were already coming out for the show that showcased Olive, Otto, Oprah and Oscar in action. And by this point, I was absolutely invested. On a whim, I decided to take my Sony camera and record a reaction video of me watching it. Was it weird? Yes, but I had no money for a laptop that wasn't a decade old and didn't run about as well as a computer from the days of yore. You make do with what you have.

Needless to say, when the first episode "Zero Effect" premiered, I was having a whale of a time. That's...pretty much all I remember. Aside from the swearing. Lots and lots of swearing.

(...Look, it was 10 years ago. My brain can only go on a decline after being fully developed. And the depression has been eating away at me for that long. When astrophysicists perfect the art of the time machine, call me.)

I uploaded it to my YouTube channel the day after the show premiered. No editing, just a straight-cut video of my reactions laid on the table. I figured, "Okay, so this would be nice to look back on and laugh, maybe."

And then, a month later, I got a PM from Joshua Kilimnik, the actor who plays Season 1's big bad Odd Todd.

Before I get into that, though, a bit of backstory for my channel is necessary.

I had made my channel in 2011, when Wild Kratts premiered. At the time, it was mostly hosting Wild Kratts content, mainly Top 10 countdowns of fan videos I stumbled across on Tumblr or elsewhere as well as Sparta Remix-related stuff. (Yeah, remember that old meme? That isn't as dead as you think it is? Yeeeeeeah.) Around the middle of 2015, it unfortunately got struck down pretty hard when PBS began to go Nintendo on it, viewed fanworks as threats to their IPs, and decided to rip down my videos from the 'Net in three easy strikes -- and with it, my entire channel. It stung, to see my relatively hard work go down the drain. I'd be lying if I said I had wanted the channel to stay up just so I can look back on it in 5 years and cringe at how juvenile it was. Christ sakes, I even had MLP stuff up there at one point. Why? Don't ask me. I wasn't even watching the show at the time. I truly got into it when Season 5 began airing.

But back to the PM. You know, back when YouTube gave you the option to PM people.

Getting the PM from Joshua, I was, naturally, suspect. Celebrity impersonators are all too common, and as I would later come to find out, Odd Squad was not exempt. I had to laugh, because an autistic nobody like me getting a PM from a child actor who was in the industry long before Odd Squad was like Ariana Grande up and inviting me to have dinner with her because I made a few comments about her diction. It's a miracle, people. Miracles that only happen to those with life-threatening illnesses or those who have done good for the community. I had neither of those. Unless you count me going to high school as doing the community a service, in which case I have one of those things.

I read the PM again. And again. And again. And something in me thought, "Maybe...just maybe...this guy is actually legitimate. Maybe he's telling the truth about the entire Season 1 cast and the show's crew members, creators included, seeing my video. I mean it's 2014, what creator wouldn't look to the Internet for first reactions on their show?"

Fuck it. iBalled. I went for it. I reached out to Joshua.

And by God's oddness-laden utopia, am I so happy I did.

We immediately hit it off, taking our conversation from YouTube DMs to Twitter DMs (no, my current Twitter is not that ancient -- my time on birdsite-now-saltyman-hellhole is a whole different story) and discussing our hobbies and what we did. Joshua confided in me that he helped disabled kids, which, honestly, is a green flag in my book off the bat as someone who is, in fact, disabled. I told him about my animal shelter work and how I loved the show.

At the same time, I had posted on Tumblr about the show. Don't ask me what the post was about -- I honestly couldn't tell you, and combing through the tag is something I'd need a hell of a lot of motivation for -- but it somehow, by some astronomical means, took off. People came in like a small trickle. It was small, but over time, we built a strong community. I didn't exactly know how big my impact on people was until I read "how I got into Odd Squad" stories and saw my name pop up enough times to the point where I could safely say I was an inspiration to more than one person.

At some point in 2015, I had created a Wiki for the show. Fandom -- or Wikia, as it was called back then -- wasn't exactly new territory for me, as I had visited other show Wikis before. However, my Odd Squad Wiki didn't take off, and someone else ended up making another one that became far more successful.

...Yeah, you're surprised, aren't you? Figures. But not even I can lay claim to everything.

When the other Wiki took off, Joshua decided to dive right into the fire and engage with the fandom directly. Now, for any big-name fandom, this is everyday normalcy. The My Little Pony fandom has fans directly engage with cast and crew members who answer their questions, for example. But for small fandoms of niche IPs -- and oh believe you me, Odd Squad was incredibly niche back then -- a cast member interacting with fans was a huge deal. The hype only increased when Joshua was named an administrator, along with a few others, myself included.

Needless to say, Joshua being involved boosted the fandom's activity exponentially, and not just due to his spectacular acting on the show. Fanfics, fanart, fan videos...it was a bustling time of fan content. I can recall some of the most notable works just off the top of my head. The fandom got to be so busy that I made a news blog just to cover every bit of news, shifting away from my Wild Kratts news coverage to focus on a different show instead. I enlisted a few old friends to help me out, converted them to be oddballs (which, I will say, was a stroke of luck), and put them on the "staff team". My aim was to create something akin to Equestria Daily, but on a smaller scale. We did editorials, episode followups, and scoured the Internet for any and every bit of Odd Squad news we could find. It became a reliable source for many, especially considering PBS's horrible track record with even the most basic of news -- cancellations, renewals, and other such announcements. Not to brag, but I like to think I did a better job than them at actually giving news to fans who deserve it. (Hell, I still do. My hunger for even small crumbs of news is very strong indeed.)

I can easily recall when Season 2 was announced. Me and my friends were ecstatic. For me, I never thought Odd Squad would get a Season 2, and the Season 1 finale -- affectionately named OINFO (don't confuse it with "O is Not For Old", that's a different rodeo; this is "O is Not For Over") -- made sure of that. Originally, it was set to air in May, before it got shifted to June to coincide with Season 2's premiere.

And even long before that, the movie being announced blew our minds. I genuinely couldn't believe this niche little IP, birthed only several months ago, was getting a movie. And not even one of those specials that PBS markets as a movie as a ratings stunt. No, no, this was a full-blown theatrical movie. With A-listers to boot! And it was a damn good movie!

(...Okay, unrelated, but man, I'm reading through all my old posts and comments on the Wiki and cringing. God, did I really type like a 10-year-old back then when I was in high school? Egh gross cringe. The "let her say fuck" was strong with me back then.)

Of course, as most actors do, Joshua largely moved on from the show as the years went on. Most long-timer fans stuck around until the end of Season 2 before either other interests caught their eye or real life just got in the way too much. A majority of these fans dropped off the face of the Earth like an introvert who suddenly disappears mid-conversation, though they still popped into the Discord server a few times and I reconnected with one or two on Twitter. Hell, some of them even made a "hey, I'm back, and here's what's up" post on Fandom that made me ask if their accounts got hacked.

As a result, when Season 3 premiered, the fandom had slowed down to a crawl. Anyone who's bore witness to it, whether an episode or a nugget of criticism, can probably guess why. (And anyone who hasn't can feel the wrath of my "trust me bro" card, thank you.) It was like I willingly leapt off of the boat, it sped away without me, and I was trapped in the middle of fuck-all nowhere with sharks. So, you know, like Open Water if it was actually good. But the point stands in that I was pretty much all alone. I couldn't crawl to anyone for the sweet release of death after seeing just how hard S&P tried to avoid The Shadow's very obvious murder attempt by way of hacking into a car to make it fall into a lake of green goo. All I could do was scream and cry into a mic, edit, upload to YouTube, and let all the unsupervised kids looking for free episodes come to me in droves.

Oh, and post to Odd News. Until I accidentally deleted the account.

By that point in time, my old friends had all left due to real life commitments, and only one, Angelica, remained. But even she drifted away, and I was stuck running it all alone. So, I made the difficult decision to let it rot, and frankly...I haven't touched it since. Largely because I left Tumblr entirely and only just now came back. On the news front, I expanded my coverage to PBS Kids as a whole network, just as I do on Twitter.

It wasn't until the back half of Season 3 premiered that the fandom slowly but surely began to grow from planted roots, and I could connect with people again. Seeing people flood the Discord server and Tumblr, sharing art and news and theories, was amazing. Not for Season 3, though -- it was because of the past two seasons. Honestly, to say there's been more talk about Otis and Odd Todd than about any other character in the entire franchise is a hell of an understatement, because it dominated pretty much 98% of the fandom.

From there, new fanworks, fanart, and other pieces of fan-created media were created, and many still continue to be created to this day. Though hyperfixations can be yoted off the cliff and die in an instant (with deepest apologies to Shroom), it's great to see a burst of activity in such a small fandom. Hell, it even got big enough to where we had a Secret Valentine's exchange a couple months back, which was a real joy because it gave me a chance to flex my writing chops even if it did leave me on the verge of a third panic attack. And...the fandom being revived did land me a solid interview for a college assignment. Which, to me, is my own equivalent of getting a dedicated panel at a convention.

But this isn't a whole entire story about fandom lore. It's a story about me.

And honestly...I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little tired with Odd Squad myself.

Between the choking responsibilities of adult life (yay work), the state of my mental and physical health (yay depression and anxiety), and the franchise being fucked over sideways to Pluto and back by numerous entities (yay TV industry), I really can't just focus on Odd Squad anymore. Now, I'll give a fair warning to you and tell you to make no mistake -- my enjoyment of the franchise will die with me and my entire bloodline if the franchise itself doesn't die first. But I've found other special interests and hyperfixations that have grabbed me more than the funny kid agent franchise has. I derive more joy from binging the 90s Frasier series, Pretty Cure, and Neighborhood Wars than I do with the funny kid agent franchise.

Now, does this mean I'm leaving the fandom? God no. To do it on the verge of the franchise's 10th anniversary would be utter blasphemy. And I do plan on weaponizing this blog for more Seren's Studies, including episode reviews and character analyses I can't do with the limited resources I have. But the drive for Odd Squad is just...no longer there for me. I did not, unfortunately, get the "Odd Squad forever" autism. I got the "childhood is hell, but okay, sure, I'll make you a functioning competent adult to a certain degree" autism.

Maybe one of these days, amidst the countless new pieces of media that keep releasing, I'll be able to rewatch Odd Squad. It's worn out its welcome nostalgia-wise, but I find it to be a pretty enjoyable view when I take off those glasses and put on the "my God is an awesome God and that's why I try to attend church every Sunday" ones. I'm still making crossover fan projects to other IPs like MLP, Super Monkey Ball, and Precure. And of course, I'll be seated for Odd Squad UK to see if it's good or not -- I'm more than happy to take the bullet for people who don't want to see it for whatever reason, just as I did for the back half of Season 3. But for now, the drive is pretty much gone.

I will admit, I'm likely missing some stuff. My memory is absolutely terrible, and I had to go fishing for a lot of stuff to refresh it (one of the reasons why this took so long to release in the first place). But this is what I can dredge up.

I'm honestly proud of the little fandom I birthed. I could work a hundred jobs in my lifetime and still say that founding the Odd Squad fandom is by far my greatest accomplishment. I've met so many amazing people, seen so many amazing things, and really, I'm hoping to see more people in the years to come. If the aim is to introduce Odd Squad to new generations of kids, teens, young adults, and adults alike, then I'm all for it. Expose them to goodness. None of that Cocomelon shit.

Thank you for reading, and to all of the people in the fandom both old and new, thank you for touching my life in ways I never thought of. If you've got any further questions about my story, send 'em my way; I'll be glad to answer 'em.

See you all in the next Seren's Studies, whenever that may be.

[joanofexys]

omg can I ask about ur minyard ocs??? 👀👀

YES I CAN (and sorry for taking so long)

I am still undecided on if the Minyard twins (pt 2) will be part of my oc canon but they have certainly existed in my head for a hot minute (made them 3 years ago and forgot about them)

ig I should probably include tws. Nothing in detail but mentions of abuse, suicide, and SA

Sawyer Minyard

she/her

31

4'11

criminal defense attorney

has never played a sport in her life and doesn't plan to start

aroace

audhd combo + chronic depression

Saide Minyard

they/them (will respond to any but they/them is preferred as their gender can best be describe as "idk a blob of energy or whatever")

31

5'1

tattoo artist

played exy throughout high school and college but had no interest in going pro

played as a striker

has a bachelor's degree in psychology, never got their masters

also has the audhd combo + bipolar

Unlike the other set of Minyard twins these two were never separated, though Tilda did give them both up. Do I remember if it was mentioned how old Tilda was when she had Aaron and Andrew? No. So we're smudging the timeline however we need to for this like 10-ish year age gap between both sets of twins

Saide and Sawyer are obviously not identical if you read their height difference. And Saide will probably hold onto being the tallest Minyard sibling for the rest of their life

Saide and Sawyer for the first half of their lives were raised by a very loving foster mother who decided to file for permanent guardianship when they were 7 but due to some vague legal trouble that I haven't developed yet it falls through and the two end up being removed from her home

Thankfully the two stay together but they end up bouncing around the system for awhile and they both grow angry of it. For Sawyer this manifests in her throwing herself into school, an obsession with the justice system, and an anger with law enforcement (girl hates cops with a passion). For Saide it's finding any way to get out of their head. Parties, drugs, sex. Not all of it consensual. A lot of heavy and unhealthy self medication.

They split up for the first time ever for college. Sawyer moves across the country, a full ride with a good school that should get her into a good law school. Saide stays in state, a full ride playing exy, and they figure they'll take what they can get.

They both start receiving help in college. Sawyer attempts suicide for the first time at 21 years old as the contact with her sibling has grown more inconsistent, she has few friends, and she finds herself struggling to keep up with certain required classes she feels no passion for. She starts going to therapy afterwards but receives no diagnosis.

Saide gets diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar II their sophomore year after an outburst at a teammate, followed by three days of them being missing (out getting high and drunk and having sex they weren't fully aware was happening. crashing on friends couches and in their cars) and them returning to college with the following crash and depressive episode. They start trying different medication, stop drinking and doing drugs (with a few relapses on the way despite their insistence that they were never an addict), and started seeing a counselor provided by their colleges mental health service.

Junior year is when Saide starts experimenting with their gender. They go from he/him to he/they to she/they to she/he/they back to he/they and then they/them. That same year they start their tattoo apprenticeship while working toward their psych degree.

Sawyer gets her polisci degree, Saide gets their psych degree, and Sawyer gets accepted to an amazing law school (haven't decided which one cause y'all I have beef with Ivy League's and shit). They're roommates while Sawyer goes to law school. They both move again and get an apartment together. Saide gets a job with a local tattoo place and Sawyer is obviously a full time student. They're pretty cramped in there but they make it work

It's not until Sawyer either is a practicing lawyer or around the time she's taking the bar that the two find out about Andrew and Aaron. They've never had reason to think about other siblings. And obviously Andrew and Aaron had no reason to think they existed. But maybe something comes up with Nicky's adoption process for the two of them and the connection ends up being made

They're distant. Obviously neither of them can pack up and move again to take care of two siblings they don't even know. But there's a small effort made. Sawyer will always call Aaron back. If she's getting home at 3 am after sorting through piles of clients paperwork. Saide writers letters that he's 90% sure Aaron doesn't read and that Andrew throws straight in the trash. But they know they're there. It's probably not until Aaron and Andrew are in college and the events of the books starts going down that they really get connected. Because I'm sorry to Sawyer Minyard, vcious criminal defense attorney, who has to get the phone call that her brother killed a man and no it's not the one she thinks it is.

And this is getting long but yeah that's a bit about them

[looselipssinkships-x]

fall out boy lyrics that make me think of the places i grew up

this town is wasted and alone -- death valley -- when i visit, if I'm lucky i get to drive around, and the nothingness is crushing. You go to school, you graduate, if you're upper or middle class you go to college, probably the local one an hour away. You have to drive an hour to get to the good grocery store, twenty minutes to the shitty one. You marry your high school sweetheart, or someone you met in college, you settle down and have kids. You have at least one family member who works for a company you're pretty sure is still just a factory, even though they have fancier names for it now. I look out the window of my parents' house and i can barely see the neighbors' house.

you were the last good thing about this part of town -- grand theft autumn/where is your boy -- i left my best friend in the city i moved from and god i miss her so fucking much. Every time i visit it's like we were never apart. Every time i leave we both wonder if we'd have made it had i not moved away.

i can't remember the good old days -- 27 -- your parents' house is supposed to feel like being a kid, running around carefree. I have not lived with my parents for eight years but every time i visit i wake up with that same chest crushing anxiety and it does not go away. Even when i get back out east it takes me days to feel like a person again.

every pane of glass that your pebbles tap/negates the pains I went through to avoid you/and every little pat on the shoulder for attention/fails to mention I still hate you -- chicago is so two years ago -- i did not visit for almost two years, and then only did so because my grandmother was dying. Had she not been, it would have likely been so much longer. I spent those two years hating that small town, because i thought if i hated it i wouldn't miss it, and it all hurt so much that it wasn't hard to try to hate it. (that didn't work, because even though it hurt, it was still home)

I know I should be home/all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the/pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house -- chicago is so two years ago -- it's the little things that get me, the parts that weren't so bad, the parts that were even good, the parts that killed me to leave behind. The first dance class i took out east i sobbed the entire two mile walk home.

whoa, can't do it by myself -- reinventing the wheel to run myself over -- this one gets me because every time everything just feels like too much, it's amplified by the fact that i did this to myself, i chose to move away from everyone and everything i ever knew, and it's therefore my responsibility to indeed, do it by myself

we're the kids who feel like dead ends//and the poets are just kids who didn't make it -- i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) -- literally all of my friends from home don't quite fit the midwestern mold, and we're all mentally ill creative types. We're in our mid twenties now and have felt like burn outs for years

I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light -- sophomore slump or comeback of the year -- the same best friend from earlier. I worry the small town is crushing her and she's so, so bright.

the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad -- i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) -- you make sacrifices to survive. Mental, emotional, physical, everyone's sacrificing something just to make it through.

it's all a game of this or that, now versus then/better off against worse for wear/and you're someone who knows someone who knows someone/I once knew, and I just want to be a part of this -- hum hallelujah -- the duality of living in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and still feeling like you have no place to belong

literally all of g.i.n.a.s.f.s. but especially: everybody wants to drive on through the night if it's a drive back home//things aren't the same anymore, some nights, they get so bad//i sleep with your old shirts and walk through this house//it's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you//I've already given up on myself twice third time is the charm//threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm -- ioh was my first fob cd, and i listened to it on repeat the summer i spent commuting from my parents house to the hospital in the city to camp until i finally got an apartment. This was also the year i spent coming out to myself, terrified of the future and expectations i knew I'd never meet. I was also in love with one of my best friends and god it hurts so much for your first love to feel so wrong

I will never end up like him/behind my back, I already am -- headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet -- when i first moved to the east coast i swore I'd assimilate and no one would know where i came from, but the second I'd open my mouth it would be "oh what part of the midwest are you from?" Over time I've learned to make peace with the parts of myself that are so unavoidably rural and midwestern, but there were parts i resented for a long time, because it felt like I'd never be free from where i grew up

I don't know where I'm going/but I don't think I'm coming home -- alone together -- i remember driving home from a college course i was taking my senior year of high school and just, dreaming of driving on, starting somewhere new

and in the end/i'll do it all again -- the kids aren't alright -- if things had been different, if i'd grown up differently, i wouldn't be who i am today. Also i almost got these lyrics tattooed on my thigh. Still might tbh

you were the sunshine of my lifetime/what would you trade the pain for?//and I just about snapped, don't look back//what would you trade the pain for? I'm not sure -- love from the other side -- leaving was, and is, so goddamn hard. Every time i visit my best friend, my grandparents, i have to remind myself why i left, and why i can't go back, and so much of that focuses on looking forward because if i look at the past too much i begin to romanticize the pain

scar crossed lovers, forever -- heaven, iowa -- i am so inexplicably, irreversibly bound to the people i grew up with like some sort of fucked up trauma bonding. Out here on the east coast, in the cities, it's just different. Even people who grew up east coast "rural," it's not the same. It's strong with friends from the city i moved from and even stronger with my friend who grew up in the same county.

[unabashegirl]

Lycan 1 — werewolf

Y/N returns to her hometown, Alsfield, when her father falls ill, only to discover the town hides a dark secret—one protected by the mysterious Harry Styles. As Y/N unravels the town's mysteries, her plans to return to San Francisco are derailed.

Author's note: I've been wanting to post a story like this for quite a long time. I really hope you all enjoy the first few chapters are going to be short with the intention of not overwhelming you all with information. I hope you all enjoy it. Happy Reading!

check out my patreon (starting at $2) and get full access to all chapters, various one shots like The Cover and much more :)

words: 1.2k

warnings: mention of death and alcoholism.

Y/N had never liked the town where she had been born at. So, as soon as she had graduated from high school, she hopped on the bus and got the hell out of the place. Unfortunately for her, things had taken a turn for the worst, and she was back on a similar bus heading to the small town.

Two nights ago, her father had been hospitalized. She had gotten a call from her aunt letting her know that her father wasn't going to make it through the night. Therefore, Y/N made all the necessary arrangements to travel up north to Oregon.

Y/N never had a close relationship with her father. Her father was difficult and had a behavior that Y/N had never been able to understand or figure out.

Her mother had been the reason for her sanity throughout all the craziness that her father daily generated. Y/N’s mother passed away two days before Christmas when she was a sophomore in high school.  It was all a blur for her. She could still remember being told that she had died, but everything that had happened after it was still a big blur to her. Her brain safety mechanism had been to block, all the painful memories after that day.

Life after the death of Y/N’s mother had been miserable. Her father had always been an alcoholic, but his drinking got worst after it.

Alsfield hadn’t changed one bit since she had left. It rained most of the year and the town was always covered with a permanent fog that always caused drivers to crash on the curves by the cliffs. Most of the townspeople kept to themselves and even though the town was small there was lots of privacy. It wasn’t like other towns in America where the housewives would gossip most of the day. Alsfield was a quiet place where nothing much happened.

“Visiting someone?” The man that sat beside Y/N asked. He had brown hair and blue eyes. He seemed to be roughly around her age. He had been quiet most of the ride, aside from when he pulled his snacks out of his bag.

“Sort of” She paused her music and took one of her earbuds off. “You? Are you from here?”.

“Sort of” he smiled, “I moved after high school”. Y/N frowned a bit but tried to contain herself. She didn’t want to come off as rude. She just couldn’t come up with a reason as to why someone would move into Alsfield after graduating. Most of them were trying to get out not move in. “For a job opportunity,” he added after a few minutes. “Who are you visiting?”.

“My father” Y/N wasn’t proud of it. Her father was probably going to be disappointed by seeing her. However, even though he had made her childhood a living hell, she wasn’t going to have any sort of regrets or guilty conscience if he passed away.

“By the way, I am Niall” He stretched out his hand for her to take.

“Y/N” she smiled as she shook his hand. “Nice to meet you”.

“Likewise,” He responded.

The bus finally came to a full stop by the first gas station in town. As Y/N had predicted, it was drizzling and very dark. She threw her bag over her shoulder and waited until Niall got off the bus to get out. By the time she had gotten off, most people had already caught a ride into town. She pulled her suitcase to the sidewalk and pulled her phone out.

Y/N just wished she could find a cab or an Uber. She wouldn’t have access to a car until she arrived home. And her house was a bit secluded from town, so she needed a way to get up there before it got later and darker.

As she searched through her browser in hopes of finding a cab service a honk interrupted her.

“Would you like a ride?” It was Niall on a pickup truck. “Free of charge of course”.

“Why?” She laughed as he pulled over.

“I am just being a friendly neighbor” Niall helped her to get her suitcase and bag on the truck before they both got back in. “Where to?”.

“How long has it been since you last visited?” Niall asked as he drove down the road and towards her childhood home.

“A few years actually” she confessed, “how has everything been lately? Is Mr. Carter still the mayor?” Y/N had gone to school with her daughter.

“No. Not anymore” Niall looked over at her and gave a reassuring smile. “There is a new mayor”.

“Really? What happened to Mr. Carter? He was quite young to retire.” He was named mayor the year that Y/N’s mother passed. They would usually gawk at the man when they saw him around town and would make jokes about his attractiveness.

“I think he moved away or something. The new guy is quite nice. He was born and raised here” Niall was close to the new mayor. Some would even call them best friends.

“Oh really? What’s his name? Perhaps I know him.”

“Maybe you do. You’ll get to meet him when the time is right” Niall added and quickly changed the subject of conversation before she asked any further information about the other man. He asked about where she lived and where she had gone to college.

Y/N lived in San Francisco in a small apartment and worked for a tech company. She had a pretty quiet life which she loved. She only had two best friends and had no boyfriend. Y/N lived with her rag doll cat Milo.

“Who did you leave him with?�� Niall asked as she noticed the familiarity of the streets and the convenience stores that they drove past.

“My best friend. Is Mrs. Brown's diner still open?”

“Oh yes! Better than ever! She is still around, bossing everyone” Niall chuckled, “I love their turkey sandwich and tomato soup”.

“Mrs. Brown is just going to outlive us all. I would always get her brown sugar donuts after school” Y/N reminded herself to stop by in the coming days to pay her a visit. Mrs. Brown was a very special person to her. She had allowed her to crash on her couch a few times after Y/N’s father had kicked her out.

“Here is fine,” Y/N told him as Niall pulled over on the side of the road to a modest, American house.  It was an all-white, picket fence, three-bedroom home with blue shutters with a small back and front yard.

“Here is fine,” Y/N told him as Niall pulled over on the side of the road to a modest, American house. It was an all-white, picket fence, three-bedroom home with blue shutters with a small back and front yard.

“You are Robert’s daughter?” He asked her, recognizing the home in a heartbeat. Y/N automatically winced at the mention of her father. Niall made a face too confused because he had never heard about Robert’s daughter before.

“I guess so.” She shrugged as she got out of the car. “Thank you for driving me” Y/N thanked him, “I know it’s not as close to town.”

“No problem. Let me know if you need anything else” He smiled, “Welcome home, Y/N” Niall said before driving away.

next --> chapter two

[field4thought]

there's a frog in mom's throat (essay)

In my first memory, I am about three or four years old. My father and mother are lying in their bed and chatting, sometime in either the early morning or late afternoon, judging by the rays of light that had reflected through the floating dust (fairy dust, I thought) onto the floor. My mother was sick, and she sounded funny when she spoke. My father told me she had a frog in her throat. I climbed onto the bed, sat on her stomach (which did not feel to great for her, but was perfectly fine for me), and leaned forward. "Can I see?"

Dad explained that there was not a literal frog, and that it just meant she sounded croaky. I was disappointed.

After that, I don't remember anything for about a decade. When I'm reminded of a particular moment, I see something for a brief instant, but the scene always disappears before it comes into focus. My therapist said it's common for people who have experienced childhood trauma. The person I dated in eleventh grade said maybe that's why I keep repeating the same mistakes. All my mother had to say was, "We'll work on it." We did not, in fact, work on it.

I think my mother regrets that she was not perhaps the best mother she could have been. No, let me rephrase that: My mother was not the best mother, and she regrets it deeply. When we talked about the cuts on my body, she said she felt like she'd "fucked me up" in some way. To be entirely fair, she did - she told me that she couldn't wait until I was eighteen and left the house. I was in first grade at the time.

Now I am eighteen, and we are doing much better. She still says hurtful things, but I can now tell when she means what she says and when she is just snapping because of her untreated mental ailments. It still isn't great when she says she hates me and my siblings and should never have been a mother, but at least I can tell when the chemicals have gone sideways. That's more than I had when I was seven.

We talk now, sometimes. I ask her for advice on how to make friends. She asks me for advice on how to relate to her other teenagers. She understands me the most out of all of us kids, and that's because we're so alike. Nobody else in my family could read an entire book composed of one guy's essays like I am right now. Nobody else really appreciates getting up before the sunrise and taking a mug of tea into the woods. I am definitely her child, even if I don't carry her blood.

It's odd, the relationship I have with my mother. Oftentimes, I am afraid to speak to her about something, so I wait a week or two until we are alone in the car and doing an Uber Eats order to tell her things. "I'm cutting" is something I know she never wanted to hear from her children, especially followed by the word "again."

What really started this openness between us was a night in early October of my senior year in high school. I told her that she had never cared about me, quoting the time in my sophomore year when the first thing she said after hearing from my school counselor that I might be suicidal was about how the counselor had said Harrisen instead of my legal name. That night, three police officers put me in the back of a squad car and drove me to the hospital. I went to a mental hospital instead of wherever people who jump off bridges go.

She visited me once, halfway through my stay. She said almost nothing, and neither did I. Dad mostly updated me on everything that I was missing out on, including his friend from Germany visiting. He came to the States the day I went to the hospital and he left the same day I did. There's probably something symbolic there, about how being suicidal has kept me from the larger world. About how the call of the pills or the chemicals under the sink is louder than the call of new things, and how bed rot can take root in your mind and cause fungus to grow in your brain.

When I came home from the psyc ward, I unloaded a lot of information on her about a week after. I had a friend who had committed suicide. I had been cutting myself in various ways since I was eight. I had been doing most of my self destructive behaviors because it was the only thing that felt good, that gave me a high. Adrenaline is as close as I have been able to get to dopamine for years now.

I still have trouble remembering things. Even this past Christmas and my eighteenth birthday are fuzzy, and that was only two and a half months ago. All I will have of my years is held in my poems, my stories, and my photos. For a while, I would delete everything I came across that was more than a month or two old. Then J stopped doing that. I started paying more attention, finding the one out of focus bird on the rooftop in the corner and thinking, 'oh, that's why I took this.' I read through my poetry document, which at this point has years of my work in it and is over a hundred pages long, and I think about where I've been and who I've been in those places.

Hindsight is a bitch, but she's also my best friend. We're joined at the hip. It's a toxic friendship, but I'm short on friends right now, and I'll take what I can get.

[thisaccountcannotexist]

a memior

When you are almost 23, it’s hard to explain to your boyfriend of 2 years that sometimes you shake because when you were 15, a senior held you down in his backseat and forced himself on you. That the reason you always reiterate how safe he made you feel is because you never felt that way before. The, so called, man you dated before him would put your life on the line for $100 for weed at least once a week.

Rewind. 

It started at 14. I thought I knew love. I thought love was the way he chose me to be his first time. I thought it was a teddy bear and chocolates on Valentine’s Day after being belittled for weeks on end. But things would get better, and apologies temporarily healed emotional wounds.

I really thought I knew love. But love isn’t forcing your best friend to blow him and then posting about it on Twitter. 

Next.

When a senior tells you you’re pretty when you’re a 15-year-old sophomore, you’ll do anything to believe its love. 

But that love isn’t love. Love isn’t getting you so drunk you blackout and throw up out a window and then recording as his best friend takes advantage of you. 

And then, when you finally break free, he invites you over to just talk before he leaves for college and say bye (as friends), you go along with it. Because you don’t want him to spread lies about you again if you don’t comply. And when that 19-year-old picks you up at 16 and forces himself on you until you only stop crying because your body is too pre-occupied with convulsing, that sure as hell is not love. 

But what’s worst. What’s worst is when you come home, stomach, neck, wrists, thighs and ankles bruised to no one. To absent parents. To a dad who is too busy having an affair with someone not far off from your own age. To a mom who is trying her best to pick up the pieces of a broken family while breaking glass ceilings. 

So, you say talk to a friend. But what friends are left when they all believe the rumors from the man who just dehumanized you in his car in a church parking lot. What friends are there when you were kept away from them for so long by the same man that they want nothing to do with you anymore because you’ve been MIA. 

So, you’re alone.  

You’re alone so you turn to doing the only thing that feels right. Being used. You market yourself not as damaged goods, but as not caring at all. Do what you want with me. Use me. Nothing will hurt as much as that night in the church parking lot. I thought God was supposed to protect you at church.

Being used gets you back out there. You’re invited to parties by another guy who thinks you’ll blow him in the bathroom that night. And if you drink enough or smoke a blunt, who knows maybe you will. If it keeps you around. If it makes you feel something. Why not?

But here’s the thing

This is all before the end of my sophomore year of high school. 

There was this one guy. I shouldn’t say was. He still exists, but I’m probably a distant memory now. He made me feel heard. He listened. I’d sneak into his bedroom at night. Not have sex. To talk. I’m not sure he ever really understood what my life had been like in the past 2 years, but he knew I needed someone. I liked him a lot. We’d text ‘til 3am, and he’d make sure I was okay when I seemed off in school. 

I thought things would be different with him. 

‘til the day he told me he was dating someone. Someone that wasn’t me. I remember asking him if what was between us was all in my head. 

His friends told him I was too big of a whore to be seen with. 

So, I disappeared. 

I don’t think many people could tell you what I was up to during my junior & senior years of high school. It wasn’t much of anything. I had a few friends, only 2 who still acknowledge my existence 4 years later. We’d smoke weed in a car, and drink wine in a basement. I truly don’t know that any of them understood that I was not okay. They thought I was the chill, carefree girl. I was a shell of an 18-year-old. 

On a different note.

My cheating father came clean about the same time after his mistress asked me for money or threatened to tell my mom about the affair. My mom already knew. 

That same day I ran away for the first time. I got in a car accident.

Less than 6 months later we found out my dad was sick. They told us we’d be lucky if he weren’t in a wheelchair in the next 10 years. I have 4 years left until we find out if they were right or not. 

My senior year.

I met a boy from another town. It was a breath of fresh air. Truthfully, he was just as broken as me. Things were never steady, but he was around for a while. A distraction at the least. 

I escaped.

Moving to college where I knew less than 5 names was everything I needed. 

Freshman year I was roofied and woke up in a house naked with my clothes & phone missing. I found my phone and called an uber home wearing nothing but random clothing of his that I found in the living room. I told no one. I came home at 6 am before my roommates knew anything. That day I showered 3 times. I threw up all week. The bruises reminded me of the church parking lot. 

I met someone. 

Another breath of fresh air, of hope. He was my freshman year formal date. Things were looking up. Until someone in my sorority brought the guy who roofied me to formal and I threw up so hard in the bathroom that I broke blood vessels. My date still fucked me that night and for hours after I cried in the twin-sized bed beside him while he slept. 

Nothing ever came of us. He’d Snapchat me sometimes and invite me to frat parties, nothing special. 

The most special thing about us was the nights I’d spend climbing in his bedroom window and smoking weed at 2 am once a week for the majority of my sophomore year of college. 

Attention felt good. 

Of course, when I felt the most stable I had in months, my sophomore year, the pandemic hit. 

Circles had to be kept small, so who better to spend time with than your drug dealer. He was a local. No big shot. It was entertainment when the world around us sucked everything out of us. 

There are a lot of memories of that time that I choose to forget. 

Lots of first times at 20 for someone who was a “whore” at 16.

The first time he slapped me for not listening. 

The first time he forced himself into me while I was asleep.

The first time he took me on a drug deal and locked me in a car with a man with a gun.

The first time he choked me so hard I blacked out. 

I tried to leave him multiple times, but the threats kept me coming back. Looking back, I barely remember what they were. But at the time, I was so scared I’d do anything to keep him happy.

Of course, my parents noticed none of this. Or if they did it wasn’t concerning enough to say anything. To protect their own daughter. 

I spent most of 2020 drunk or high. Was about the only two things I enjoyed feeling. Make that 3 feelings. Drunk, high, or numb. 

Junior year of college.

It started drunk, high or numb. That August was when I became bulimic. If I was going to be a mess, I might as well be skinny. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months. I was a shell of a human. Somedays I still am (just a fat shell now). 

I spent my nights climbing in the same window and kissing strangers in bars. Who would have thought that a stranger in a bar would be the one to save me. 

He saved me.

That first night I went home with him, I expected to be used & discarded. But that was far from the case. He cared, he was gentle. Over 2 years later & here I am writing this because I don’t know how to explain the past to him. 

The first time I said I love you to him I broke down & cried so hard. Did the alcohol in my system have something to do with it. Yes. But what it really was was that every other person I had ever loved had hurt me. Most people it takes months to fall in love. This was a month in. Did I just hand over so much control to this man who could hurt me in a second. 

I sat and cried in the dirt outside a party & refused to get up after I said “I love you”. He was so confused. I expected to be left there. Instead, he helped me up, and took me back to his place. I shook so hard on his couch with no tears left to cry while he heated up a warm shower and grabbed me anything I may need. He didn’t know anything about what was going on that night, but what he did know was that I wasn’t okay. He held me all night long. 

Since then, he’s been nothing but a supportive best friend. I love him so much for that. 

What really sucks 

The nights when one little thing triggers a memory, a name pops up, or I think too long and a part of my life I tried so hard to forget comes back.

How do you explain to the one you love & who saved you that the reason you’re shaking is because you know that you made the tiniest mistake earlier and as much as you love and trust him you think about how easily in the past someone you thought you loved would change in a heartbeat and hurt you. 

Maybe giving this to him to read would help. Maybe it would hurt. Keeping secrets is never good. But truthfully, I wrote this for myself. Because as much as I know this only a fraction of the story, I’ve never said all of this out loud. I haven’t quite said it yet but writing it is a step in the right direction. 

[obatmeraah]

20160203 Nic & Al

Eleven years. Yes, for the last eleven years I’ve been dealing with this kind of pitiful hollow in my heart – I would say body but I’m a big girl there’s no such thing my body is hollow. Well, probably not eleven. Maybe it’s ten, since the first year I didn’t know what the feeling was called.

It seemed like a long time ago, but I still can remember it in a flicker snap. I was just another ordinary teenage girl when I actually first met this boy. I wouldn’t say he was as ordinary as me, but he wasn’t the most popular either. We were in the same class when it happened.

It was the first period of the first day of our senior year when our teacher assigned us to work together in group projects for the rest of the semester. Well, both of us, one of my friends – Liz, and two of his friends. It wasn’t like I hate him, or his friends. I just hated – uh, how do I say this – noises? Yes, that’s the word. Or more like, I hated loud noises. And they were loud. I knew because I usually gave them a disgusted look every time I passed their table in the lunch hall. So yeah, I was sulking for the good two periods while Liz gave me a silent pity look – she was nice enough to not dislike them – and the three of them talked about what they were going to have for lunch – I know, are you fucking serious?

By the time the class ended, I immediately bolted out of the classroom, half-dragging Liz with me to our lockers. We were switching our books when those three little brats showed up in the hallway, walking towards us. For a split second, I thought they were going to talk to Liz since she was the nicer one. I mean, who would want to talk to an unfriendly sarcastic girl, right?

Oh wait, he would.

“Nicole, right?” He asked as he held his hand up for me to hold. On the corner of my eyes, I could see the other two approaching Liz. Of course.

I raised my eyebrows at him, but shook the warm hand nonetheless. I didn’t want to say anything and I was almost glad he understood my gesture by saying again, “I’m Alex. Those two brats talking to Elizabeth are Ralph and Brandon.”

“They call her Liz,” I said as I pulled out my hand from his firm grasp. He smiled, “Right, Liz. And what do they call you?”

“Nicole,” I answered flatly. He chuckled and I swore I could hear him mumbling of course before adding, “I’m gonna call you Nic.”

Oh no, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t the beginning of any friendship – or any relationship at all.

I ended up having a major crush on Brandon while Alex became the big brother I never had, completed with his girlfriend Lauren who eventually became the big sister of mine. We argued a lot, with Lauren being our mediator. Ralph was the gay-looking friend I didn’t knew I needed, except he wasn’t gay. He loved spending time going out with us girls even though her girlfriend at the time didn’t like us much. He valued friendship above everything – seriously everything, one time I was sick at home and my parents were gone and he was visiting me even though it was his birthday.

But Brandon was another story. For the young Nicole, Brandon was everything a girl could dream of. Oh no, he wasn’t the quarterback of the football team or something like that. He was the captain of the basketball team though. And he was way smarter than me. He would teach me things without making me feel like an idiot. But I was right though, he was loud. Even though he wasn’t as arrogant as I thought he would be. He made all of us promise to watch his games and I always rolled my eyes at him saying it needed too much work, but I ended up sitting on the back row of the tribune with Liz and Ralph anyway, desperately hiding my feelings.

My high school crush didn’t end well, of course. Brandon ended up having a crush on a sophomore girl and Brandon was being Brandon, not willing to let it go until he got an answer from the girl – which was a yes.

Time passed and before we knew it, we were graduating. Liz and I went to different colleges – so did the others – and I honestly didn’t know if any of my mutual friends were going to my college out of the town. Well, not until when Ralph set me off at the train station and said, “You take care of yourself. And Alex, God knows he needs someone to take care of him.”

I deadpanned. “What do you mean?”

“Wait you didn’t know?” His eyes widened in amusement when I shook my head and he said, “Alex was on the waiting list, right? But yesterday they called him telling him that he was accepted.”

I should be happy hearing the news from Ralph, but I grumbled half-heartedly, “Well he didn’t tell me.”

Ralph laughed, knowing the banter between Alex and me wouldn’t stop even when we would live in the same town for another four years. He hugged me goodbye, and well, that, my friend, was the first page of the Nic-and-Al chapter, or you could say, the year where it all began.

Side-note: I came up with the nickname about a month after he constantly called me Nic despite how much I told him not to.

Al broke up with Lauren soon after he settled down in college, right after thanksgiving. Lauren claimed she couldn’t do a long distance relationship even though they had been together for like, years. Al didn’t even tell me until three months after the breakup, making me feel stupid because I should’ve known better.

When Al took steps to move on from Lauren by going out with his girl friends from his Finance class, I gradually found myself falling hard for him. Al was the sweetest human being who treated girls preciously – except me. He was so, so lovingly rude and he loved to cling on me due to his tiredness of classes when everyone wasn’t around – claiming that he was too manly to do that in front of his friends. And even though we were both single for the whole first three years of college, it just never happened between the two of us.

However, when senior year came, something happened – I still didn’t know what – and we completely separated. We didn’t talk and we didn’t even greet each other when we met on the campus hallway, just a lingering look coming from me. And as much as I hurt because of the sudden loss of contact, I didn’t dare to make a move. No, of course I didn’t. Instead I got myself a boyfriend and he didn’t know how hurt I felt when he gave me the unapproved look every time he saw me walking hand in hand with my boyfriend. He didn’t know how I really wanted to let go of my boyfriend’s hand and leave him if he’d have me. But no, I didn’t tell him any of those, I was a coward, still is. And I regretted it for every single day I lived until this day came.

The mourning day.

The mourning day sounded like I exaggerated things, which I probably did. But it is the day, one day, every year where I let myself drown in a pool of this awful feeling, remembering every bit of memories of Al that I still keep neatly in the back of my mind. Every single year, I let myself fall in love with young Al over and over again. Every single year, until now, which is – I hope – the last year of mourning for me. Because all these years I was always wondering how he was doing and stuff like that, but this year I’m lucky to have an answer when he contacted me this morning. Yes, he was doing great, he is. And Al is about to get married.

[purplesurveys]

1756

Do you want the last dream you had to come true?  No. It was a nice dream, but I'd rather it stay a dream.

When did you last talk to the person you'd most wanna talk to right now?  It's 3 AM on a Saturday which means there is absolutely no one I'd want to be talking to.

What kind of pill did you last take?  Paracetamol for what was probably the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire existence, a week ago. I had never had a harder time driving – in fact I pulled over as soon as I reached the village gate because I really needed to collect myself – my entire body felt like it was heating up and I was really worried that I would pass out any moment. I felt so relieved when the pill started to take effect and when I started to feel my mind and my body coming back.

Do you like wearing glasses?  Can't say I particularly enjoy having them on but I just...kind of need them to survive, lol. There's no other way to put it other than sheer necessity.

Does your mom know the last person you hung out with?  Lui, Laurice, and Jum? Probably not. She knows I have a college friend group, but she wasn't as attentive towards them anymore as she has always been with my high school friends. Like she'd recognize Angela and Sofie in a heartbeat, but if I mentioned those ^ names to her, 100% she'd ask where are they from hahaha.

What were you doing 4 hours ago?  I was wrapping up the evening with Laurice and Jum.

What would you most like to eat right now?  I just ordered KFC for delivery and it's on its way here so I'm pretty stoked for that.

How long were you last in the car for?  It was around two hours, miserably so. I took both Jum and Laurice home even though their places were wildly out of the way; it had been approaching midnight and I just wanted to be sure, with my own eyes, they got home safe.

But then on my actual route back to my house I took a wrong exit and ended up on the highway with all the motherfucking goddamn PAIN IN MY ASS 10-, 12-, 200-wheeler trucks, so that added an additional half hour or so to my ETA.

What is something good that happened last weekend?  I spent the ENTIRE Saturday rewatching all the Twilight movies. Started 11 AM, ended exactly at midnight. I still feel giddy thinking about it lmao, I love that stupid franchise so much.

Do you like holding hands or do you think it's stupid?  It's cute but I would only do it with a partner. I feel awkward doing it with a friend for too long.

The last song you heard, what does it make you think of?  Namjoon, because it was a Namjoon song.

How'd you get your last injury?  Don't really know if it counts as one because fortunately it didn't end up leaving a mark, but a couple of days ago I held a mozzarella stick that was way too hot to be touched at that moment and I wasn't able to immediately drop it, so my index finger was very very tingly and in pain for a while after that.

What do you like about your birthday?  I really enjoy celebrating my birthday and look forward to it every time, and it's honestly for the sole purpose of getting to say that I made it through the past year.

Do you like being home alone at night?  I loooooove the feeling.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade?  What is '10th grade' even equivalent to? Would that be sophomore year? Anyway, I guess I remember being stung by a jellyfish during a school trip but apart from that I've done quite the job of forgetting most things from high school.

What's the scariest thing that's happened to you?  Being terrorized by men.

Has an ambulance ever come to your house?  No.

The person you're thinking about - what are you thinking about them?  Not thinking of anyone.

When did you last skip class?  Idk, probably in 2020. I'm sure I was able to cut a few classes before the world went to shit.

Do you like the shape of your fingernails?  Yes, I love everything about my fingers haha. Idk I like that they're long and slender and that my nailbeds(?) are an okay size. I'll get complimented on them every now and then too.

Did you look at your fingernails for the question above?  Yeah for a little bit.

Whose pool did you last swim in?  The resort that I went to in late 2021, with my old work team. I don't like pools much.

What's something you like about your 3rd hour?  My...what?

Is formspring a good idea? It depends. If you're the kind of person that drama tends to follow, probably not as it's just an invitation to get harassed/bullied.

What's your biggest problem at the moment?  Angela is possibly bailing on me for Kaye's birthday tomorrow – a party where Angela would be the only person I'd know because everyone else is from Kaye's college years (and we went to different schools LOL so who in the fuck–)

It's been a bit of a bother but I'm also like...whatever about it? in a way that whether she's joining me or not, I'm attending regardless. I don't like it when people flake on stuff I've planned so I'm not doing the same for Kaye who's probably super excited for tomorrow.

What's the cutest thing someone's ever done for you?  Get me flowers? Idk I'm pretty easy to please hahaha. Angela and Hans surprised me with a bouquet for my birthday last year and that sent me melting.

When did you last see a police car?  Not sure but it must have been just within the last month or so.

Why aren't you doing something more productive than this? This is the most productive I could be at 3:41 in the morning, tbh.

How many people know about the last person you kissed?  Everyone. I pathetically didn't shut up about her the entire time we were together.

How many different cars have you driven?  3. My car, our old Vitara, and I've also had to drive Bea's car twice when we went on out-of-town trips.

What did you do on Thursday?  The most notable thing would be that I went all the way to Manila to be support manpower for a work event. Manila is still gross as all hell.

What color was the last thing you drank?  Brown.

What do you do on Fridays?  Exponentially not give a shit about work as the day goes by.

Have you ever had to take desperate measures in a desperate situation?  Yes.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car?  The door to a restroom stall.

What is the meaning of life?  Contentment.

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

Do you have an alarm clock? What time is it set to wake you up? I use my phone and I usually do half hour intervals, starting at 5:30am to make sure my fiance’s up for work when he’s home

Do you like knock-knock jokes? not really

Are you currently more hungry or thirsty? craving a strong drink right now 

Are you waiting on anything right now? yeah several things

Do you prefer your singing voice or your talking voice more? talking for sure

The last person you met for the first time: What do you think of them? can’t really think of anyone I’ve met recently except new doctors

Have you ever been described as shy? Is it true? hell yes and hell yes

Name the last awkward moment you encountered: accidentally trying to get into the backseat (thankfully locked) of someone’s car with the woman sitting in the drivers seat thinking it was my Uber...wrong car heh 

If I could make you anything to eat right now, what would you want? sushi. I always want sushi, no “making” me required! lol

Do you prefer earphones or the ear-muff style headphones? earphones, only time I really would wear ear muff style headphones since I haven’t in many years is if I’m gaming for good surround sound

What colour are your jeans / trousers? (pants) usual blue jeans

Do you type pretty quickly? 100wpm, fastest in the class when I took the test and that was back in sophomore year of high school...I’m still 100wpm lol

Do you remember when you first went on the internet? kind of but not really I was pretty young

What do you smell of currently? me..? lol not wearing perfume or anything haven’t gone anywhere so...probably smoke though since I’m smoking cigs

What was the last gift you received? an interactive bracelet set for my fiance and I from my stepsister as a late Christmas present...unfortunately, cause I hadn’t seen her at Christmas, it was given to me at my cousin’s funeral service late January cause we were all together so it was bittersweet given the timing and place

Are you religious? Is this something you were raised with or developed? no, I was never raised religious and never went to church. in fact I get triggered when I step foot in a church because the last time I was in one was my grandmother’s funeral..bad trigger memory I go into full blown mental breakdown panic attack in a church

When was the last time you saw rain? all last week it rained nonstop here

How often do you forget important things? I’m lucky I remember my name or to breathe, my memory is horrible

What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? being cocky

What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? making me laugh definitely

Do you enjoy going to gigs / festivals? I never get to but yeah I’d love to

What was the last music video you watched? Did you like it? I can’t even remember really what one I watched but yeah whatever it was I liked it

Times tables: Which one did you learn first? the ones they start you on? I always killed the timed ones, I almost always finished first and a good while before time was up lol

Do you ever buy people random gifts? (When it’s not their birthday, etc) no, I suck with gifts period so it’s only ever a meaningful card

Are you more prone to blackheads or spots / pimples? pimples but just a few in random spots every now and then, I’ve never suffered from acne thank god especially facial

Do you fiddle with the phone cord when you talk on the phone? dude...when was the last time you saw someone/were on a landline with a cord?? XD

Do you refuse to use public toilets? no but I always make sure its clean/wipe it down if needed first

Do you save your online browsing history? not on purpose no, but I don’t have any reason to wipe it either

How many books have you read this year? none sadly, definitely gonna have to change that

Are you good at guessing things and being correct? depends

If you could have any colour as your natural hair, which would you choose? platinum blonde

Does your voice change when you talk to certain people? not that I’ve noticed, you’d have to ask them lol

How often does your computer freeze up? ugh not freeze really, just is slow as shit I’m way overdue for a new laptop I’ve put this through the ringer for years

What do you do when you’re nervous? mostly physical signs given several anxiety disorders...pick my lips, bouncing legs, clenching jaw, bite my lip, fidgety...

[duskdog]

Very good thoughts, headcanon also accepted. Because of how comic time works, it's difficult to place where exactly this would be on the timeline from an in-character perspective now. Originally the pregnancy arc happened in, what, the mid-late 90's? But with the characters being the age they are now thanks to Comic Book Time, it would be more like right around the pandemic (oh my god that was just yesterday right, nothing makes sense anymore). But for context, I am roughly the age that Tim Drake and Stephanie Brown would be, if they had aged like real people in real time -- so back when I was reading this when it all first came out, I was reading about kids who were about the same age as me. And at my high school, teen moms didn't attend school. It wasn't technically "against the rules", but they were absolutely pressured to drop out -- it was strongly encouraged by everyone in a position of authority (admin, teachers, guidance counselors, etc.), and there was still a heavy, heavy stigma associated with it. There was very much the idea that pregnant teens were a distraction and a bad influence on the other kids, and that the girl had a greater responsibility to go have the baby than to finish her education. And while a girl who got pregnant as a senior might have stuck it out til graduation, a girl pregnant at 15, probably only a sophomore or maybe even still a freshman depending on when her birthday fell in regards to the school calendar? There was no way she would have stayed in school once she started showing -- and remember, there were no online classes back then, and it was almost impossible to get qualified teachers willing to do the home tutoring route (I know, because I went through that my junior year due to a disability -- the district was supposed to be required to provide the ability for me to learn from home, but there just weren't enough teachers available). To be absolutely fair, though, this was in the American south, where our education system wasn't the greatest and our values tended towards extremely conservative (and our sex education was very much the "if you girls have sex you're filthy and used up and worthless" type), so up north in Gotham it might have been different... but if Stephanie Brown had been a student in my high school, she either would have been pushed out of school entirely -- and pushed hard -- or really, really suffered in her efforts to stay. She would have been an absolute pariah.

Had an extremely sad Steph thought related to her social isolation; you've mentioned before that Steph is never shown with a consistent friend group (her gymnastics teammates are one offs and dean sucks and gets dropped from her life the same issue he's introduced. Bc he sucks). And I started thinking about why, since Steph is generally sociable and not portrayed as unpopular usually.

I forget the issue but during her pregnancy arc (I think near the beginning since she isn't drawn pregnant at that point yet?) she's seemingly friendly with two girls who are aware of her pregnancy (though iirc it's left ambiguous if they're casual or close friends. The poor girls are mostly used as racist props by Dixon to yell about how being a teen parent is Bad and Uncool and it's Stupid to disagree. So, uh. They might not be friends with Steph after that issue. They certainly never appear again)

And then I thought (going into full on headcanon territory here)...what if Steph's utter lack of friends is (partially) bc of her pregnancy? Like I'm sure she wouldn't have been the first in her school but it's still a very isolating experience I imagine- she had to leave school for months on end, already putting her behind socially, and while there's those two girls who think the idea of Steph having a baby is cool (and get yelled at for it) it's not unrealistic that many more would judge her for it (even if not for getting pregnant then for having had sex)

I bring up this headcanon bc while at first it seems like baseless speculation, I'm pretty sure all of Steph's school friends are from before her pregnancy arc and then she isn't shown with a group of civilian kids til after she switches schools post return (in the Robin/spoiler special). Which is probably a coincidence but I find potentially telling.

Anyway, sorry to spring this incredibly sad headcanon on you. It just seemed realistic to me. Still though, poor Stephie :(

That’s fucking horrible. Headcanon accepted into my reality. You’re dead right about how Steph is really not shown with any of her own friends in between her pregnancy till post war games, I don’t think it’s a big leap at all to attribute that in part to the fact she had to take off of school + the social alienation of going through a pregnancy at 15. A good example of this is how Steph seems to have has no one else to ask to take her to Lamaze classes besides Tim. And the two girls you mention (which Dixon does totally use to moralize in a clearly racist way) ask when Steph is is due, implying she hasn’t been in contact with either of them beforehand. This insulates that she probabaly isn’t very close them, and at the very least, that she probably hasn’t been in contact with either of them during her pregnancy.

But what truly sucks is even after she gives birth she doesn’t get a “return” to status quo and have her own friends or even new friends. She still doesn’t seem to have any civilian friends shown or referenced all the way to her death in War Games.

The thing I’m always thinking about is how if you look at the crowd at Stephanie’s funeral there is no one who looks her age there (save for Tim and Cass). Like everyone else is an adult. It’s a sizable group of mourners but no one there both a) around her age and b) also not a vigilante.

Its especially obvious when you contrast it to the funeral she and Tim both attend for their classmate Karl Ranck back in Robin #26, a good chunk of the mourners are his former classmates and friends. Tim mentions the crowd indicates how popular Karl was. For Stephanie’s funeral to not have only a few (civilian) people her age but instead none at all is genuinely shocking in comparison.

For me, it really cements the idea that she was really on her own, that by the time she “died” she more than likely had no non-vigilante friends, or at the very least none who went to her funeral. Which is just so so sad to me.

And I think it in part informs some of her behavior. Socially, her main group of people in her life seem to be majority vigilantes and then her mom. That’s like it. Which is just so…. Ugh. No wonder she ends up so dependent on the being a part of the team and getting that approval. She doesn’t seem like she’s got much else, and her ability to hang out with some of those people is somewhat dependent on whether or not she’s in Batman’s good graces.

Stephanies has the trappings of a basic popular peppy high school girl but the text and the subtext of the comics she’s in tend to imply (intentionally or not) that she’s pretty damn lonely. If you ask me, she’s a little bit weird and strange and lonely with a thin veneer of “peppy/normal high school girl” plastered over all that.

Thank you so much for the ask and the headcanon which I have assimilated into my worldview and understanding of Steph. I love hearing peoples thoughts on Stephanie and your insight is always so powerful and real and based.

[women-for-reproductive-rights]

Chapter 5: Alpha Xi Delta

At the University of Southern Maine, I was able to rush Alpha Xi Delta during the beginning of my Sophomore year at college. Now before we go into my experience in my sorority I want you to drop a couple of misconceptions about Sororities. A. No I am not a "bitchy" sorority sister and Alpha Xi Delta holds a strict no hazing policy that if we were caught hazing not only would our sorority be blackmailed out of our Fraternity organizations, but I would be expelled out of school. B. The University of Southern Maine's chapter of Alpha Xi Delta is quite small and tight nit with only upwards of twenty to twenty five sisters where everyone knows each other and respects each other. The fact that the sorority is in Maine almost eliminates the whole Southern Sorority thing. However I do want to mention that this in no way creates an us vs them situation. We are just different not better or worse that Southern Institutions. C. Being a sister does not= a huge party girl. We are an extremely academic and philanthropic focused organization. Our moto is: "Helping ourselves and our community reach its greatest potential". D. I love being a Sorority sister and it has really changed my overall view of College live and my second major transition but has given me transferable skills that I can use in my future.

First of all, I joined AXID (Alpha Xi Delta) My Sophomore year of college in the early years of the COVID-19 Pandemic when I finally was able to return to campus. At the time,all of my friends from Freshmen year had either dropped out, transferred, had babies, or decided to take online classes and stay home for the semester. I wanted wanted to come back to living on campus but I was completely alone. I moved into a new dorm and knew no one. This was not helped by the fact that I was very lost my freshmen year and never felt truly comfortable until almost the end of the year. I did not have a secure group of friends/ mentors or teachers who I could relay on. At the time if this year was not better I was probably going to transfer somewhere much closer to home and commuted. However, as I was entering my dorm building moving all of my clothes and school things and noticed a sign that mentioned looking to be more involved on Campus and make friends. To be honest I had no idea what I was really getting into but I was desperate to make friends and not be lonely. Even in the first week of recruitment that was completely virtual, I felt the connection that all of these women had and the need to expand Greek Life and our Philanthropy that really drew me into the group.

Obviously, my first semester as a new member was a whirlwind of a couple of months learning about our rules and philanthropy and getting my Big. This definitely helped me a lot because I became close friends with the girls in my pledge class and the girls who were my age, and I also became extremely close with my big. My big who to this day is someone I can heavily relay on to either be a shoulder to cry on and my best friend. Without these connections I think I would be a lot lonelier. I remember really enjoying the sorority but I was not sure how I fit in/ if I even fit in, and it was not shown to me until my grandfather died. Last year in the fall, my grandfather unexpectedly passed away and I had to fly down to Alabama and put my life on hold and be with my family. When I got back to school, my sisters came together to ensure that I caught up with my work and gave me a gift basket to show their love. I remember feeling very "full", I had created my own community on campus and I fit in somewhere. This gave me the confidence of having people to have my back and help me through my worst times.

During this time, I also started to get more involved in the Recruitment aspect of AXID and eventually was elected Membership vice president. Becoming a vice president taught me a lot about myself and about how to be a leader. Specifically about the importance of community outreach. SO, this position completely encapsulates all aspects of Recruitment. Meaning I create and run multiple events before recruitment for the campus community to get the word out about AXID and recruit prospective individuals. Then I train all of the active sisters about recruitment and run six recruitment events about philanthropy, sisterhood, and academics. The whole job is a huge undertaking and really proved to me that I can accomplish tasks that seem out of my control and that I honestly need to trow away my own impostor syndrome. I also learned a lot about reaching out to a campus community and bridging/ adjusting how I recruit and what events I hold based on campus culture and new students. For example, an event about creating vision boards might be really popular in the beginning of the year with incoming freshmen while it will not be as popular in the beginning of the second semester. I also have to slightly adjust who I am pandering to for recruitment. For example, first semester is geared towards Freshmen while second semester is geared towards upperclassmen. I also learned how to allocate tasks and become a leader within my own small group and the sorority as a whole. I at times have to be completely in charge and discuss punishment and enforcing policies while at other times I can be a close confidant.

Though gaining this position has really shaped my college experience I have also be able to really develop the position itself further to represent a more modern campus. For example, the Membership team is now required to attend student group representation meetings and reach out to groups on campus instead of being very isolated group. We have also made an initiative to expand our recruitment pool and work to create a more diverse and inclusive campus community by including pronouns in recruitment events and being present at almost all campus wide events. This position has taught me a lot about being a leader and growing how we conduct our selves now and in the future, and I hope that I have left a lasting impact on the sorority as a thank you for all she has done for me.