#i relate to a bpd blitz so much

[ruunkur]

I like this, especially w the first season evidence.

Being a scapegoat/seeing that you are less important than others in your family suck balls

Being told every crumb of effection is transactional "i sold you out to be a playmate, now you're going to steal to make this place better" = you're worthless, but im still going to use you to get what i want and fuck you

Part 1 Blitz & BPD coding

Ok quick bit first before getting into the nitty-gritty. So to have BPD you need to have 5 of these 9 traits:-

(putting as by proxy with him cus damage your image is harmful to your psyche).

Poor bugger looks to have 9 of 9

Alot of BPD patterns and strategies comes from childhood trauma, and Blitz has this in spades.

Scapegoat and attachment style

Cash is clearly a narcissistic Dad, see the kids as tools.

Cash uses Blitz's love and Strong attachment to his Mum to force Blitz to be useful to him, and do what he wants.

This sends the very strong message that love is conditional. That it is bought through what he can do for another. And that without being useful love and affection will be withdrawn, because he doesn't really deserve it.

We see wee tinny Blitzo struggles with making balloon animals, is a little clumsy, has a sense of humour that not a crowd pleaser. This puts him at the bottom of the pecking order.

This position is the scapegoat. Blamed for anything that goes wrong (fire), to keep the others in line (Fizz told done on purpose), given the most dangerous jobs (rob a Goetia), and given the lest love and affection.

Narcissist see people as tools or a burden. All love from Cash is conditional/transactional.

How Blitz gets love is to be used or to be useful. This the rule.

Affection freely given can't be trusted. It is a lie. This why any Stolas shows has to be either ignored, or change to a kink of "getting plowed by people you look down on". Making himself used.

But Stolas breaks this when he says Blitz "no longer have any obligation to see me, to touch me, to bed me, you are... you are free of me." He panics that he's being abandoned; "I can be better", "I'm I not fucking you good enough" are his immediate responses. Trying to get back to the safety of what he knows.

If they're no 'obligation' then there can't be affection and he wants to Stay with Stolas. And if there's no 'obligation' Stolas telling him he cares must be a lie.

He's slowly coming to see that this isn't always the case in apology tour; when his "earning" his way through sex is rebuffed again.

(It may not be Stolas' kink; but being fucked by an all powerful prince who degraded his a little might be Blitz's 🤭).

After the accident this rule gets a second fun extra playmate that anyone who loves him will be hurt. So Blitz must push them way, to keep them safe from him. These 2 rules give Blitz the disorganised fearful-avoidant attachment style. (Woo go him, give him a cookie. Or you know all the nope, but still give him a cookie).

Disorganised fearful-avoidant attachment comes with a push-pull of wanting to be close but close relationships are scary. (Like running away from Voroskia for loving him).

He is getting better by refusing to be dismissed by Stolas, and coming back the next morning. And even talking to him at the party.

But mostly this bit: "Oh, sorry, this entire time I assumed the worst because I was convinced a prince could never love someone like me, and I've let my self hatred stop me from apologizing to anyone I could ever care about!" Blitz in a nutshell everybody.

His self hatred makes him to self sabotage any romantic relationship before it gets to deep. To protect the people he likes and makes sure they can't love him. Because he doesn't deserve it. Thems the rules after all.

Cash and the accident has taught Blitz to hate himself.  

It's also likely why Blitz thinks apologies are for pussys, and that no one deserves one anyway.  Those sound like words put in his mouth for daring to ask his dad to say sorry. 

He doesn't think he's worth it.

(Added the cuddles pic cus I like the cuddles). And Blitz still doesn't trust that he deserved to be forgiven by Fizz.

This self hatred is why he can't picture anyone loving him, let alone Stolas

"This whole thing we had going... I'm- I mean you're a fucking prince. How could you ever actually care for an imp... Me? How could anybody?" "Stolas, you are better off without me. 'Kay? You deserve so much... I don't even".

No one is allowed to want him.

End of part 1

I'll stick the link to the next part when I get done it, but might be a bit.

Next time some such fun shenanigans as:

Difficulty regulating emotions

Being a burden & how to be useful to IMP

Spitting

Massive fear of abandonment

Emotional loops

The Deal

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Self hatred & the Belief others Must hate him

(his cookie)

As normal is absolutely fine if you don't agree. This is just something I like to do.

[blitzsicedcoffee]

Tried to go to sleep and was once again woken up by comparisons of my life and the lives of Blitzø Buckzo and Stolas Goetia.

So let me tell you the story about my suicide attempt. Of course this is going to be very different, as I am a nonbinary trans queer person and these are two male gay demons in hell lol.

But I was able to draw a lot of parallels that even I was like, "oh. Oh no" Lmao.

So, it was 2018. My partner and I were still unengaged. We didn't really know what to call one another since I was nonbinary, besides partner.

I had a Lot of chest dysphoria. It was crippling. The dysphoria around my body is probably the biggest part that differs between me and our boys here.

Anyway, I was always one to take care of other people, and other people never took care of me. Thus my connection to Blitz. As well as, I was a very lonely kid and teen. And when I became an adult it didn't change much. I found solace in reading, and was always very autistic and had trouble with communication in large groups, and taking criticism. Thus my connection to Stolas.

There are many things that they both do in the show that I recognize from my own mental health journey that I related to (and is hard to see someone else to through), but also is important to show in a show like that.

The insecure hugging of the self, the anxiety spiraling, the deflection to different topics, the just "not thinking about it" and focusing on something else. I did all of these. They're coping mechanisms. Not great ones. But they are.

I would say I don't necessarily have their brand of abandonment issues, but I do have something they both have which is rejection sensitivity. If I am rejected by someone for something, I am devastated. It has taken me a long time to not take certain things personally and realize that other people are speaking from their own perspective and not trying to diminish mine. And is partly why a psychologist thought I had BPD once, (I did not, just anxiety and CPTSD).

Both of these boys, they have gone through none of that growth. They still hear the tiny minute rejection and they shut off from other people. Or they react, albeit in Blitz's case, 'Blows up' on others based on the way he himself was treated as a kid.

Now, I'll talk about the suicide attempt so if you wanna skip the rest you can. I understand.

I was walking home from work. I worked at a cafe and lived about a 30 min walk home in an apartment complex. It had been a particularly busy Sunday rush day, and I was feeling vulnerable from constant misgendering, constant berating about how to do my job, and no support whatsoever for eight hours straight.

I was already crying during the walk and I was hugging myself. I wasn't wearing a binder and felt the urge to have the breasts off my chest NOW but obviously I couldn't. I grabbed at my chest and sobbed, and once I was outside my apartment complex, I stood on the edge of the curb of the sidewalk and considered walking into traffic.

I heavily considered it. But as I stood there, my other hand took out my phone and dialed my partner who was already at home. I told him what was going on and I stood on the curb until he got there and held my hand as I stepped back, and cried into his chest.

I haven't tried since but I did end up in outpatient therapy. And I want to explore this comparison to Blitz and Stolas because one of them is about to mentally break. And it can take the littlest things stacking up to do so.

[stormratyaps]

BPD characters (hc)

I want to follow the anti psych tag so bad but it is FULL of triggering words :// anyways to distract myself here's a list of characters I hc with BPD.

TW: this post mentions symptoms of BPD including sewerslide ideation, substance abuse (nothing graphic)

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

blitzø - helluva boss

okay I'll get to angel in a second but I feel like no one really talks about how BPD coded blitz is? He's actually quite relatable for me. He suffers from extreme self loathing, self destructive behaviour, unstable relationships, splitting, obsession with FPs (millie and moxie), impulsive spending, isolating himself, anger outbursts... and especially in apology tour (but also earlier episodes if you ever allow me to yap) we see how this pattern is something he isn't actively choosing and that he actually really wants to get away from. I know most of his character traits and behaviours are for the sake of comedy which is why making a deep character analysis is always a bit tricky in this case but I just think he is so bpd coded and I hope they give him a good healing/self discovery arc in the rest of the series.

angel dust - hazbin hotel

Okok let's talk about everyone's fave. Struggles with feeling of emptiness, low self esteem overcompensated by a sense a grandiosity, substance abuse issues, hypersexuality and not to mention increeeeedibly emotionally unstable (let's not forget how euphoria is also a common bpd experience, we not only see him miserable but I think accurate displays of euphoric episodes as well, as is the case for Blitz btw)

saira - we are ladyparts

I was struck by how bpd coded this character was to me - I believe I was just figuring out that I have bpd when I was watching this show, so that might have had sth to do with it. She has this episode where she splits really hard on her friends and consequently isolates herself and. yeah. It's been a while since I watched it so I can't really point out other details rn but I remember thinking this so I reccommend you go watch this show and see for yourself.

blackbeard - our flag means death

Oof ok. I know season 2 was a MESS. I did not like it. But. However. That being said. The BPD representation is real. Do I love that there were basically no retrubitions for how Ed (blackbeard) treated the others during his split/episode? No. I don't love to see that. I wish he'd gotten some kind of genuine redemption arc with introspection and feelings of guilt and putting in the work to be better and all that. But yea. Season 2 sucked ass. Anyway him splitting on Stede (his FP) is so real and the subsequent borderline episode that follows is. Yeah. He has all the textbook symptoms (not only in season 2!!) impulisivity, unstability, extreme moodswings, no sense of self, mirroring, FP attachment, substance abuse issues and self destructive behaviours, paranoia/flashbacks, sewerslidality...

carmy - the bear

me when???when he???this representation means so much to me actually personally. !!! The paranoia, the anger issues, the self distructive behaviour, the intensely low self esteem, the flashbacks (ptsd babey), the hallucinations - Idk if they're hallucinations or just some kind of metaphorical liberty from the showwriters but I choose to hc how I choose to hc !! he also just! splits all the time!! He needs therapy so bad omg . This show is basically an anxiety attack with a few pauses so you can enjoy looking at the food ig

merlin and morgana - merlin

I feel like this is my least well defendable hc. Like I just relate and think that they kinda have BPD. But also if you said bitch where I wouldn't really be able to tell you. So yea. I feel like Merlin developed it throughout the later seasons and Morgana shows symptoms from the beginning. Both are just extremely traumatised and definitely have PTSD. So there's that.

[thedreadvampy]

talking to my mum last night and getting fucked up about the degree of trauma my grandparents' generation faced and how. unwilling and ill-equipped the care system is for the obvious fact that there's a huge incidence of PTSD and complex lifelong mental health issues in those generations

grannie was 17 when she became a nurse and she was working immediately in London at the height of the Blitz. her first day she saw blown apart children and had to comfort their parents. she was almost hit by a rocket cycling home.

grandpa spent the whole war in labour camps before being trapped behind the Iron Curtain in the ruins of Dresden, almost dead from starvation from the camp, for another 3 years before making it back to Blackpool to find out his parents had died in his absence.

granny got radiation sickness at 13 from being put under an X-ray with no protection and forgotten about for hours; she lost all her hair and developed chronic pain and health problems. after years of severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse from her family and the men around her, she got engaged to an American pilot who was shot down and killed in the last month of the war. her former boyfriend came back a dissociative shell of his pre-war self and she ended up trying to raise three small children on her own, with her family at the other end of the country and her husband often having violent flashbacks and outbursts of rage. she was suicidal and had violent psychotic breaks and got institutionalised and medicated on and off her entire adult life.

like. it isn't just the war. people born in the early-mid 20th century, especially women, have been subject to so much sexual trauma, domestic and social violence, bigotry, and grief on grief on grief.

with my granny, it's entirely understandable that she was 'mad'. when I knew her, she was on heavy daily dosage of lithium - she stopped because it was destroying her gut after 30 years and she became violently aggressive, vindictive, scared, psychotic, paranoid, frequently delusional and extremely abusive. She was terrified of doctors because of her repeated experiences with medical abuse, she was furious with everyone around her, she coldly hated her husband and seemed actively happy when he died, and the thing is all of that makes perfect sense because she was profoundly and repeatedly traumatised for at least the first 50-60 years of her life.

but the thing that worries and answers me is that the elder care system and the mental health system are completely unwilling to engage with the fact that many many many old people have severe pre-existing mental health conditions. after all, how many of us have PTSD or psychotic episodes or bipolar or BPD or special care needs related to autism or OCD or ADHD or whatever? those don't just Cease To Exist after a certain age. and our parents and our grandparents grew up in times with much less support for mental health and much less awareness of trauma. granny's early traumas were familial but she was institutionalised repeatedly and treated appallingly throughout her life and that's in itself traumatic.

when granny was 82 and she stopped taking her lithium, she was frail, ill and a danger to herself and others.

they put her on a dementia ward when she was sectioned because she was Old, and Old Mad People Are Demented. but she didn't have dementia! she had chronic PTSD and paranoid delusions but she knew who, where and when she was and she was perfectly sharp, she just wasn't coping. when we went to visit her she'd say furiously 'they think I'm like the other people in here but I'm not, I'm not losing my marbles, I've always been this way'

none of us got any support looking after her while she was in hospital or after she left the inpatient ward - nobody checked in on grandpa while she was in hospital or on weekend release, and after she was released Dad looked after her single-handed while trying to deal with his dad's death. (she may have murdered grandpa while on weekend release, or he may have died of heart failure - either way when she went off the rails after 20 years stable, he gave up on life and I me and my sibling (for the record we were 10 when she left hospital) listening to her trying to continue unpicking her past trauma was I think the most therapy she got after she left.

she couldn't go into a regular elder care home because she was too unstable, she needed specialist mental health care and she sometimes needed to be constrained for her own safety and that of other people. residential mental health care facilities weren't equipped to deal with her needs as a woman in her 80s. she couldn't go into dementia care, which is about the only residential care available for old people with serious mental health needs, because she didn't have dementia and it would have been utterly inappropriate and harmful for her and the other residents. she lived to 93 and for the last 11 years of her life it was up to Dad and us to look after her in her home because there was simply nowhere else for her to go.

and what really fucks me up is that she wasn't past help. a lot of people thought she was but when she left hospital she was trying really hard to continue therapy on her own without a therapist, she drew and wrote about her life and memories and she used to sit opposite me and open up in a way I now utterly recognise as trauma therapy, she would try to find ways to talk about what had hurt her and state into the middle distance for tens of minutes trying to get it together enough to continue. she wanted to do the work. but the only people there for her were her son who was shellshocked from losing his dad and traumatised from effectively losing his mum again and who was spending all his energy just trying to get through work and home and get her physical needs met, and a couple of preteen children who had the will but not the capacity to help. we were barely holding ourselves together (mum drove granny places but mostly her capacity was being spent being about the only support Dad or us could get) and we just couldn't meet the work of a trained therapist. and eventually she gave up on getting better and got angrier and more bitter and more abusive to everyone. but she wanted to feel better. she wanted to deal with her shit. but there was no support.

and there must be thousands of people like her. older people with lifelong trauma and mental health issues who are too mentally ill for elder support and too old for mental health support. and the MH system doesn't think they're worth the resource cost because after all they're old, they'll die soon. but where are they meant to go? and how much harm does unsupported home care do to the person in need of care and to the people carrying for them? it just multiplies trauma down the generations. you can't just expect mental illness to only affect the young when the old have been just as traumatised and you can't treat them as separate issues when old people need carers who are qualified to deal with both their age and their mental health issues.

like yes many people develop late life mental health issues like Alzheimers and dementia, just as many people become disabled for the first time by age. but a lot of people are disabled or mentally ill for decades before they reach anything approaching elderly, and those things don't suddenly go away and don't have the same support needs as late-life issues.

idk. I'm very angry. if there was recognition of the need to support older people with lifelong trauma then my grandpa wouldn't have died hopeless and unsupported, my granny might have got her life back and got some healing after 80 years of living in fear, my dad wouldn't have had his own mental breakdown and slide into paranoia and conspiracy theory, and me and my siblings wouldn't have lost our whole adolescence trying to shore up two badly neglected adults' catastrophic mental health while under constant fire.

literally a ten minute weekly phone call with grandpa while granny was in hospital and weekly follow-up talk therapy for her after she was discharged could have made so much difference but nobody fucking cared. because she was Old. she was in the hospital because she was a danger to the people around her and they discharged her for the weekend as a trial run and her husband died suddenly while she was in the house and she seemed totally unbothered and they still. let her out for good two weeks later with no followup care or therapeutic follow-up and no support or advice for Dad on looking after her. they started talk therapy in hospital and then dropped her abruptly and left her raw and cracked open without any way to put herself back together. and she isn't unique it's just. Careless. and so destructive.

[themothertruckingdarklord]

Some neurodivergent/basic Tom Riddle HCs(contains Horcruxes)

(Mind you these may not be widely accepted by all but this is a way I am able to relate somewhat to my muse)

In any capacity, the Horcruxes suffer from not only claustrophobia, but DID and BPD due to them being abandoned by Voldemort(moreso the Diary and Ring), making them very clingy to whomever has them

Even though he is aware of it and hates it, Tom Riddle involuntarily stims whenever he is losing control of a situation(he runs his fingers through his hair and he fidgets with his sleeve)

Though not fully suffering from SPD, Tom absolutely cannot stand being touched by anyone unless he feels absolutely comfortable with said person

Tom denies he has PTSD from the Blitz and actively goes out of his way to firmly squash that notion behind a wall but at any sudden clap of thunder, he flinches and unconsciously scans the room for shelter

Tom never eats much due to war rations at the orphanage and how often he gets denied food due to him ‘misbehaving’ and can really only stomach light foods at Hogwarts, such as slightly seasoned vegetables, soup and a very thin slice of chicken

Tom is very vain about his appearance later on in life but one could argue it is due to having second hand clothes for most of his school life

He self teaches himself how to sew and how to magically alter clothes because he knew that he couldn’t afford to get new uniforms every year

He reuses quills and ink pots to the point of them being unusable because again, the Hogwarts fund only gives out so much