#i regret the amount of faith i gave him at the beginning of my appreciation for the band

[bancaishi]

since there are still new people liking and reblogging my tally hall art/posts, old and new(ish), i figured i should make my stance clear. joe hawley has proven time and time again that he cannot be trusted to foster safe and appropriate interactions with his fans, especially those who are underage. and this is to say nothing of the extremely harmful and bigoted views he has repeatedly expressed surrounding race and gender.

any past art i have made of him or any appreciation i have for tally hall and their work does not include any support for him and his actions. in fact, it's more reason to condemn his behavior, for using the importance this band has to his underage audience to take advantage of them. i would advise any fans, minors or not, to take caution and avoid him, and to not put him up on a pedestal for the sake of others as well.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I’m sorry, but can I just go on a little rant about the Louis, clouis, and the Clem comic...? 

I didn’t really talk about Louis in my overall review of the comic because I wanted that to be more contained to the content shown on the pages, Clementine’s relationship with AJ, and her as a character.... but the more I think about these comics and Louis, the more frustrated I become thinking about what Clementine abandoning everyone would do to him. 

[... okay it’s not little anymore since I guess I can never just do anything simple when it comes to Louis, sorry my bad]

So, no surprise, we all know the comic’s bullshit by now. Clementine leaving everything and everyone behind because she’s not happy is dumb, AJ just letting her go is dumb, and Clem going to the mountains on crutches and a peg leg to find this so-called happiness is dumb. 

Now that we’ve established it’s dumb, I wanna talk about Louis because I got a lot of built up feelings about how bullshit this storyline is with how Clementine would not only abandon AJ, but also abandon Louis. 

Because let me tell you..... his heart would be broken beyond repair and I need to talk about why.

Sigh.... so.... muh boy. 

Before he met Clementine, Louis was this laidback, irresponsible, but caring and musical person who kept his head down to avoid conflict and never looked at the future. He was the kind of person who took things one day at a time, saw survival as a day-to-day task, and said that the future doesn’t exist, there’s only today. You get the point, he was never too concerned with things because they always seemed to work out, and if they didn’t, then that sucks and that’s why we should appreciate every day while we have it. 

Louis is shown to be charismatic and friendly, he spends his free time playing piano and card games, but no one really takes him seriously. Not even Marlon, his best friend for 8+ years. While he doesn’t seem to be on bad terms with anyone [including Aasim, they just act like people who disagree with the other’s point of view and have had the same argument many times, but that doesn’t mean they hate each other, y’know?] he also doesn’t appear super close with anyone outside of Marlon and possibly Violet, but even then. 

Marlon’s shown to have little faith in him with the way he talks about if Louis will even show up to hunt. He has a controlling grip on Louis that’s prominent during the confrontation scene when he uses intimidation to try to convince Louis to not interfere. Oh, and there’s the fact that Marlon’s been lying to Louis for the past year about the twins and then continued to lie to his face about what really happened to Brody... which isn’t great when you consider how Louis was the only one who had blind faith in him as a leader and, according to Marlon, was the only one who couldn’t see how pathetic he always was. 

Violet, while having a few more nicer moments with him than Marlon, still invalidates him and his feelings several times throughout the first half of the game which makes me wonder how close they ever were, or at least if Violet ever considered him a close friend to begin with. And no, a small monologue in the dorms doesn’t make everything better or confirm they were brotp the whole time... especially when once they’re on the boat, Louis might as well not exist because Violet can’t be bothered to acknowledge what happened to him or inquire about how he’s doing. I guess she just didn’t have time react while standing in her cell for several unbothered minutes-- no wait, it’s she already reacted off screen. Right. Good writing is good.

What I’m getting at here is that even though Louis is surrounded by people who he genuinely cares about, there is an argument to be made that he’s a lonely person. Hell, he’s aware of his loneliness when he says that no one hears past his music and jokes. I mean, how many nights do you think he spent by himself playing the piano because no one wanted to hear it? Are they like Violet and crack jokes about how he doesn’t have actual talent? Probably, given that someone literally carved “you suck at playing” onto the side of the damn piano. 

Oh, and let’s touch on that backstory of his. Louis grew up wealthy with two parents who loved him and each other, and they gave him anything he wanted except singing lessons. Louis says he wanted to be a real musician. But I guess his father didn’t like that idea and told him no, with the [as Louis puts it] dumb dad lesson of, “You get to be happy, or you get to be rich, can’t be both.” ...which is interesting given that Louis and his family were stupid rich but also.... were they not happy? well, that doesn’t make sense because little Louis knew that if he broke up their marriage, they would be hurt. 

So yeah, Louis was so upset that his father continually refused to let him take singing lessons that he broke into the man’s credit cards and faked an affair, which led to his parents divorcing... and then he spit his father’s words back in his face. 

Then they dumped him at Ericson. And the walkers came. 

There’s so much to unpack from the story he tells that it could be it’s own analysis, but basically.... Louis is aware of why what he did was fucked up, and he carries it with him every day. 

He regrets what he did, chews himself out for being such a “vindictive fuckhead” [and the amount of force used in that line tells you a lot, like how it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself like this] and he admits that he doesn’t even know the person he’s talking about. Yet, he still sees himself as bad, saying that they [I assume the staff] told him and the other kids they’re bad people. I don’t doubt that Louis internalized that which played a huge role in the confidence and self-esteem issues he has during tfs. 

Anyway, I’ll come back to this later, but when you take that amount of guilt and regret, and mix it with the fact that they dropped him off at this school that was supposed to make him better.... then the walkers came and those teachers, staff, and headmaster? Gone. Left a bunch of kids to fend for themselves, with the exception of Ms. Martin [but given how she looks when we find her I doubt she lasted that long] and I cannot imagine how horrifying that was for all of them. The dead are up eating people, and if you die you become one of them... and the people you thought you could rely on just fucking left you to die at this school. 

Every kid in that school has trauma and abandonment issues from before and after the world went to shit, every last one, and Louis isn’t the exception here. Over the years, a lot of kids died and they’ve all seen horrible shit. They all knew they were never going to see their families again, and as far as we know, no one came to get their kids at the beginning. They had to find ways of coping while trying to survive, and all they had left was each other. 

Louis copes with music and games and jokes. He’s built up this persona where it seems like he’s unaffected by the comments the others make, that the death and suffering he’s gone through is in the past, that he is confident and open to those around him.

But then Clementine and AJ show up, and Louis grows close with both of them. They had immediate chemistry upon first meeting, he was the one who looked after AJ since it seems like everyone else saw him as a little terror, and he went out of his way to be kind and make them comfortable. 

When they go hunting with him, Louis and Clementine have a moment after taking care of the walker where they lower their guards a bit-- Louis gives her more in-depth reasons for his views of survival, and going off her expression, it gets to her and makes her think.... but they’ve know each other a day and he’s not quick to infodump his life story or let her in, so he cuts the conversation short.

Then we have the Marlon confrontation scene that I have gone over so many times in the past. I won’t dillydally with it too long but..... Clementine appeals to Louis, who curls in on himself because of the control Marlon has on him. He wants to help, and hell, he knows this is wrong but he’s so used to not getting involved that he gets defensive.... plus, he’s known Clementine for two days, and he’s known Marlon for 8+ years.... he wants to believe Marlon but you can tell he doesn’t want this, either. It takes Clementine talking to him to give him courage to stand between her and Marlon’s gun and it’s a lot.

AJ shoots Marlon and everything goes to shit, and Louis is a goddamn mess. His best friend was murderer right in front of him, so add that to the trauma list, and he’s overwhelmed with all these feelings that again.... they keep getting invalidated by Violet because “Marlon was a liar and murderer, therefore you shouldn’t feel bad about his death. Get over yourself, Louis, you can be such a shithead sometimes.” 

Oh yeah Vi, I guess he should care more about two people he’s known for a total of two days rather than for the safety of the people [including you] he’s grown up with and cared about for 8+ years.... makes sense. 

So yeah, little to no support during this time. Alone again. 

And just because I have to make this clear so no one gets a hair up their ass-- both Louis and Violet are wrong here. Kicking them out isn’t the solution, but neither is acting like AJ was right to commit murder just because it was Marlon.

 But plots gotta plot, so they get voted out and you can see that Louis is conflicted about the whole thing. He wants them gone, but at the same time, he knows what kicking them out means. You can see it on his face that he’s not okay with kicking them out. He’s hurting when he’s there in the dorms telling them how the vote went... he literally doesn’t know what else to do. He just knows that everything hurts, Clem and AJ caused it, and he wants the pain to stop. He even tries to justify it to himself by figuring that they’ve done this before so they’ll be fine. Not a great thing to say, Lou. 

Anyway, we know the story, Clem and AJ come back and Louis once again sees the consequences of acting out of pain.... AJ is shot because Louis was hurt and he made a bad decision that he’s gotta live with.... something that he’s done before, and this affirms to him that he’s bad. He wishes he could take it back, and goes as far as to admit that to Clementine during the archery scene. 

By the way, credit to him for his apology to her. It’s rare in these games that Clem gets a genuine apology from someone who hurt her and doesn’t turn around to repeat the hurtful behavior, y’know? Plus, I can think of plenty of characters who owed Clem an apology in the past or if they did apologize, it was half-assed. 

You can feel how conflicted he is with this whole thing-- learning who Marlon really was and what he did, feeling something for Clementine before everything went down and not knowing how to handle those feelings afterward, caring about AJ and understanding why he thought shooting was the best choice but still hurting that his friend is dead.... 

And the thing is.... Louis forgives her for so much, as she does him, and through all of that bullshit, they manage to develop that strong connection that turns romantic. Louis lets himself be fully vulnerable with her and is honest about his feelings, how she listened when no one else did and seeing him for more than just the persona he put on. 

This works on Clementine’s side, too. Clementine has been through her own fair share of bullshit-- trauma, abandonment, loss, injury, you name it. She’s made mistakes, done terrible things, and has been in enough groups to know that romance usually ends in heartbreak.... and yet, she’s willing to open herself up to Louis and admit she feels a lot for him. 

Is it a little rushed? Yep. Could it have been handled better? Of course, most things this season could’ve, but what we got was pretty good. 

So Clementine and Louis are romantically involved now, the raiders attack, and she saves him... and boy does Louis feel guilty about that one, too. He feels bad enough that he questions why she would pick him because he can’t fathom his life being worth saving over another’s. He doesn’t see himself as useful, and even though Clementine is literally his girlfriend at this point, his self-esteem is so all over the place that he can’t understand why she would have him at her side. 

And when Clementine tells him that he’s too important to her, he’s too baffled to even give a response. He looks at her in disbelief like he wasn’t expecting her to say that.  But this shows that at the beginning of their relationship, he still doubts himself, and through her working with him, he begins to build up that strength in himself. 

He becomes brave enough to share what got him sent to the school with her, and he plays Don’t Be Afraid for everyone at the party and like.... for once, everyone is listening to him. Really listening to him. They’re not talking shit about his musical skills, they’re not ignoring him or the feelings he’s putting into the song, they’re sitting there with him and I just..... if you watch him, you can see that his eyes get pretty glossy throughout the song. The moment meant something to everyone. 

There’s also the fact that Clementine asked him to come with her and AJ onto the boat, and to be the one in charge of the bomb... that’s a huge responsibly and he feels the pressure of that. He starts to panic a bit about if he can do it, because what if he fucks up? What if he gets them caught and makes everything worse? What if something happens to Clementine and he can’t do anything about it? 

She’s there to reassure him that she believes in him, and that he can do this. They’re going to get everyone back, and he needs to focus... then he asks her to slap him which why would you? that’s dumb, so Clementine smooches him instead and like.... he physically relaxes into her because he’s comfortable and trusts her in this situation. 

Also, he loves her and cares about this mission enough to cover himself and his fancy jacket in walker guts.... sure, he complains while doing so but how else is he gonna cope with rubbing rotten guts on himself to blend in with a herd of walkers? 

Skipping ahead so that we’re not here all day, I wanna talk about the walk back to the school because it’s one of the most important clouis moments in the game and a huge reason that solidifies why the comic is bullshit.

Louis went off on his own to go out and find them. He didn’t know where they would be, he just knew that he had to go out and find them after making sure everyone was okay back at the school because he couldn’t bare the thought that he had lost them. And the way the AJ gets so excited to see him? and the group hug??

At this point, Louis has grown so much as a character. With Clementine by his side to support him, he’s grown stronger and more reliable. Remember how he never thought about the future? Well, now he is because his relationship with Clementine has given him a reason to long for a future. He talks about building this imaginary house with her, one he knows they can’t physically build... but it’s his way of saying we can build a home together, that he wants a future with her and AJ and everyone else. It’s such a personal conversation that flows so easy between them. Louis is more comfortable talking to her about things from his past, which is something he didn’t want to do back in ep1. 

He confides in her how he’s feeling after he shot and killed Dorian, he tells her that having a home means protecting it and I just.... it’s so good, okay? And from Clementine’s side, you can feel how at ease she is with him, too. Just the way she smiles at him as they’re walking? like he’s the cutest thing and she’s so happy to have him with her? 

But then we gotta deal with Minerva’s crazy ass on the bridge and well, AJ shoots Tenn and Louis is having flashbacks to Marlon and it’s not great. That’s a whole thing, and he ends up separated from them while escaping.

We don’t get to see Louis’ reaction to Clementine getting bit and losing her leg since I guess that puts a damper on the overly happy ending. But, going off of what we know about him and what I’ve explained [which isn’t even all of it, this isn’t a full Louis character analysis. if it was, it would be much longer and in multiple parts... believe it or not, I’m trying to not make this too long and only sorta failing...] we can get an idea of how he would react. 

Um, to say he was upset is an understatement.

Because remember, he had no time to think and climbed over the fence, thinking he could get them to climb over and they could get away, but it didn’t work. He ended up leaving them in order to save himself since walkers were closing in on him.

But you know that he’d blame himself for the bite. A lot of, “if I had just stayed” and “I should’ve climbed back over, I should’ve stayed with you.” I’m sure there were points where it looked like Clem wouldn’t make it and I can’t imagine how much hurt he went through watching her suffer and heal from losing a leg like that. 

Not only that, but knowing that AJ was the one to do it? And him thinking about what Clem’s death would do to AJ after all this? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Louis would take care of AJ if she died. He cares about AJ, and he loves Clementine, so he be there for both of them, even if he’s still hurting from Tenn’s death. 

However, Clementine didn’t die. She survived the bite and amputation, and when we flashforward, she and Louis are still happily together. Louis is right there next to her at dinner, and he’s the one to help her with her crutches. He’s there to go over future plans to meet the traveling caravan, and Clementine wants him to be the one to go. 

Oh, and Louis once again forgives AJ for shooting Tenn, claiming that he understands that AJ saw something that he couldn’t. Like with Marlon, he’s not happy Tenn’s dead but he can see why AJ did it to save his life. 

I just..... happy ending. Clementine and Louis are together and she’s truly happy to have found a home for her and AJ with him at Ericson. 

....But then the comic thought it would be fun to say “nah.” 

The comic isn’t canon, I’m still insulted that it would ever consider itself as such, but even so I can’t help but feel so frustrated about how this would destroy Louis. 

He finally found someone he would consider his best friend, not just his girlfriend. She saw past that funny man persona and he trusted her enough to let her past this wall he built around himself. He let himself become vulnerable around her, he named his song after her. Their initials are carved into his piano with a heart surrounding them. He loved her. 

Clementine left him feeling loved, something he probably hasn’t truly felt since he was a little boy with his parents before their divorce. She loved him even after hearing his past because she knew that wasn’t him anymore, and she helped him build the confidence he needed to step up. Because of Clementine, Louis wants to enjoy every day while also looking at the future. He isn’t lonely anymore, he has her and AJ. He’s truly happy.

So to tell me that Louis would wake up one morning only to have AJ tell him that Clementine’s gone, she’ been planning an escape without telling anyone because she wasn’t happy...? I’m sorry, but if you think that wouldn’t leave Louis absolutely devastated, then you know nothing about him as a character. 

This idea is just.... look, Louis is perceptive. That’s a big part of his character, he’s perceptive of those around him. If Clementine was showing signs of being unhappy or depression, he would see it. He would notice a change. He would be able to tell if something was off, and he would ask her about it. Louis is the type of person to ask you what you need. What can he do to help? What do you need to feel better? And if you don’t know, it’s okay, he’ll help you figure it out in any way possible. 

Plus, the comic suggests that there are times where she went off on her own but came back [probably doing her escape prep ugh] and you expect me to believe that Louis wouldn’t notice that or wonder what she’s doing? Wouldn’t sense that something’s going on? 

After she’s gone, he’s going to blame himself for not being enough. He couldn’t make her happy and he was a fool to think he ever could. AJ lost the only family he’s known since he was born because Louis couldn’t help her, couldn’t do anything to stop her from leaving. 

And for him to realize that she didn’t love him? Clementine, the girl he thought the world of because of how strong and confident and in-charge she was, because she saw him for who he was..... she left him, abandoned him... and she couldn’t even be bothered with a goodbye.... that says that she didn’t care all that much about him in the end.

You KNOW that he would think he had this coming, too. How could the universe allow him to fall in love and be happy with someone who loved him back after what he did to his parents? He would feel so heartbroken that he would see this as some sort of karma for breaking up his parents happy marriage as a kid years before he ever met Clementine and before the apocalypse.

I fucking can’t.... I don’t have the words to fully explain how much I hate this. Louis wouldn’t be okay afterward, and I doubt he’d ever fully recover. I wasn’t joking when I mentioned before that Louis would stop playing piano. How could he sit there and play when I he can see is their initials and remember the night she confessed to him? When he named his song after her? Clementine left and took the music with her because Louis wouldn’t have it in him... something that he used to cope would be ruined and that’s just.... it’s fucking awful. 

Not only that, but now he has AJ who I assume is hurting just as much [though the comics inaccurately assume he would just let Clem go sooo... yeah] and he would be the only one Louis would really talk to about it, but then again.... what if AJ doesn’t wanna talk about it? What if AJ starts to act out and things just become terrible and Louis is just too overwhelmed? 

I just.... UGH. That’s how I feel. UGH. 

Clementine from the comic? Not her. She would never fucking do this to Louis, AJ, or anyone else at Ericson, and you would know that if you played the tfs. 

Sigh.... sorry, I just needed to get this all out. I haven’t seen anyone talk about how Clem leaving would affect Louis and I’ve gotten some asks/come across some posts about Louis that have left me incredibly annoyed.... well, I was annoyed before because of the comics, so my annoyances with those things were only heightened. So yeah... I wanted to talk about Louis’ character in hopes of explaining why he would be so hurt if this comic was canon. 

Which it’s not. So it’s fine. 

How are we all feelin’ at this point, by the way? I know I’m not the only one still annoyed with the comic, so I hope y’all are doin’ okay. Hope you’re stayin’ chill and thinking about your faves to help cope with this mess hahaha

[randomposterofstuff]

On the Foundations of Levi and Mikasa’s Relationship

Author’s Note: Hello, again! I'm back with another analysis. This time, I will present my personal take on how Mikasa's relationship with Levi first developed and how trust and understanding are the foundations of their connection. Considering that I made a rather lengthy analysis of Mikasa's link to Eren, I only felt it fair that I do one that's purely centered on RivaMika. Haha.

This post will mainly discuss their fight against Annie’s Female Titan in the Forest of Giant Trees. I know that many RivaMika fans consider this scene to be the pair’s most iconic moment. (And I agree. Haha.) However, after some thinking, I realized that there was more to the scene than meets the eye. I know that other fans have probably already made their own analyses of this scene, but I just still want to share my thoughts on it. Haha.

Anyway, the analysis will discuss the following points:

1. Their connection is founded on understanding and trust. This point focuses on Levi and Mikasa's interactions when they pursued Annie's Female Titan in the Forest of Giant Trees. I will explain how their connection was established during this moment in the series.

2. The foundations of the connection can be the basis of a strong and stable relationship. This explains how the understanding and trust between them can deepen and strengthen their bond.

We now begin:

1. Levi and Mikasa’s connection is founded on understanding and trust.

As previously mentioned, this point will analyze their interactions during the fight scene with Annie in the Forest of Giant Trees back in Season 1. Most people might think that Mikasa came to trust and appreciate Levi because he rescued him. While this is undoubtedly a factor, I believe that there is more to that.

For organizational purposes, this point shall be divided into two (2) subtopics. The first will focus on Levi, and the second will focus on Mikasa.

a. Levi’s connection to Mikasa is based on understanding and empathy.

We all know that during the 56th expedition, Eren was captured by Annie after the latter killed multiple members of the Scouting Regiment/Survey Corps. When she had successfully captured him, Mikasa chased after her with the intent of killing her.

Mikasa was all alone in her pursuit until she was intercepted by Levi. I think that when Levi saw her pursuing Annie on her own, he probably thought that she was just another soldier trying to retrieve Eren for the sake of the mission.

So, with that in mind, he tried to stop her and told her that they needed to fall back. When he questioned her about Eren’s condition, she immediately insisted that he was still alive. Mikasa argued that Annie’s intention was to run away with Eren in her mouth since she needed her fists to keep fighting while on the run. She also reasoned that if Annie had wanted to kill Eren, she would have crushed him immediately instead of putting him in her mouth.

In response, he calmly assessed the situation. He stated that it was more reasonable to assume that Eren was dead. He considered that Annie had bitten the entire nape off and that eating him could have been her goal.

However, Mikasa desperately insisted that Eren was still alive. And her desperation was made more apparent when she blamed Levi for the current situation since he was unable to protect Eren.

It was during this moment that Levi recognized her from the trial. Interestingly, when he finally recognized her, there was a look of surprised realization on his face. Apart from this, he also made an effort to directly face her in mid-air. What’s even more interesting is the way he looked at her.

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 22 of the Attack on Titan anime.

I would interpret the looks he gave her as looks of understanding and empathy. I think that when Levi saw Mikasa's desperation, he was reminded of his own desperation when Furlan and Isabel were attacked by Titans.

In the Choice with No Regrets OVAs, Levi had insisted on executing their mission of stealing the documents from Erwin by himself. He wanted them to stay inside the Walls while he went with the scouts on the expedition. This is because he wanted them to be safe. But they insisted on going with him, and he relented. When it began to rain during the expedition, Levi took off on his own to carry out the plan. However, not long after they had parted ways, a horde of Titans went towards Isabel and Furlan’s direction. Realizing that they were in danger, he immediately went back without a second thought. , Levi was desperate to reach them in time. But he was too late and had to watch his closest friends die at the hands of the Titans.

I also think that Mikasa's words resonated with Levi. She said "this never would have happened in the first place had you protected Eren!"

The words resonated with him in the sense that he was reminded of how he felt when Isabel and Furlan died. When he failed to save them, he was furious and he blamed himself. He kept thinking that they never would have died had he protected them.

It is worth noting that this particular experience of his parallels Mikasa's experience of nearly losing Eren. Both events happened during a scouting expedition, and both had wanted and tried to save their friend/s on their own.

Going back to the main point, it is likely that Levi understood and empathized with Mikasa during their pursuit. And this is probably one reason why he relented to her insistence that Eren was still alive.

Levi knew the pain of losing someone important to Titans. He also knew the pain that came with trying and failing to save them despite his best efforts. And I think that it is because of this that he did not want Mikasa to suffer the same way he did. So, he decided to help her.

Thus, it can be said that Levi was with her because he understood her.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 30 of the "Shingeki no Kyojin" manga.

b. Mikasa’s connection to Levi is based on trust.

During their pursuit, Mikasa was mostly emotionally distressed. While she tried to keep a clear mind, her actions were guided mainly by her emotions.

Conversely, Levi kept a calm and rational mind. While he was angered and saddened by his comrades' deaths, he was able to maintain a clear mind in assessing the situation.

This observation is relevant because I think that it was Levi’s sense of judgment that earned him Mikasa’s trust.

Because of his Underground upbringing and his years as a soldier, Levi has a great amount of experience and wisdom in both life and in battle. These enable him to properly assess situations through a wise and more learned perspective. It is true that he himself has stated that a person can never be absolutely sure if their choice is the right one until they actually do it. However, it is clear that Levi can make wise and calculated decisions that have desirable and beneficial outcomes because of his experience.

He demonstrated this to Mikasa during their battle with Annie. While she was adamant about her desire to slay the Titan shifter, Levi ordered her to abandon that plan and not to engage with her. Mikasa protested by saying that Annie had killed so many of their comrades. While Levi understood her point, he reasoned that it would be impossible under the circumstances. He then told her that they would operate under the assumption that Eren was still alive and that their main objective would be to rescue him. Levi then ordered Mikasa to distract Annie while he attacked her.

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 22 of the Attack on Titan anime.

During this time, I think that Mikasa had only cooperated because she was desperate to get Eren back. However, I think that in the aftermath of the battle, she realized that Levi’s assessments and decisions were sound and correct. And I think that what made her realize this was when Levi injured himself when he saved her.

Although her orders were to merely distract Annie and not to engage in battle, Mikasa thought that she had an opening to kill Annie when the latter’s nape became exposed after Levi’s barrage of attacks. As such, she moved in for the kill. However, when Levi noticed, he immediately yelled at her to stop.

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 22 of the Attack on Titan anime.

From how I see it, Levi probably realized that Annie had exposed her nape in the hopes of drawing both him and Mikasa towards her so that she could kill them and resume her escape. I think that Levi’s experience in battle had allowed him to foresee this kind of tactic from an enemy.

In that case, Levi was correct and, knowing this, immediately rushed towards Mikasa to push her out of the way when Annie lifted her fist to crush her. Mikasa was not able to react in time – it is worth noting that she looked shocked when she saw the Titan’s fist moving towards her. She would have been crushed if Levi hadn’t saved her.

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 22 of the Attack on Titan anime.

I think that the experience made Mikasa realize that Levi's judgment call to abandon the goal of killing Annie was correct. She regretted disobeying his order to not engage the Titan in battle, especially since it almost got her killed, injured Levi in the process, and would have probably cost them Eren. On this, I think that this cemented her trust in him and his judgment.

It is also worth noting that when Levi began his attack on Annie, Mikasa was impressed by his speed and battle prowess. And his skill likely increased her confidence and faith in him.

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 22 of the Attack on Titan anime.

Furthermore, I think that the entire experience also probably made her realize that Levi has the best interests of his comrades in mind. When he went out of his way to save her and Eren from Annie and injured himself as a result, Mikasa realized that she can trust Levi to make the necessary decisions that will benefit and protect them. And I also think that this realization was further solidified when Levi told her to abandon her desire to get revenge on Annie and to focus on getting themselves and Eren back to safety.

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 22 of the Attack on Titan anime.

In short, Mikasa trusts Levi to protect them.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 57 of the "Shingeki no Kyojin" manga.

-----

2. The understanding and trust between them can lead to a deeper and stronger bond.

This point will be divided into two (2) subpoints:

a. Mikasa’s trust in Levi led to her developing genuine concern for him.

Mikasa placed her trust in Levi. This is significant because she usually takes it upon herself to protect herself and her comrades. Considering her reserved nature and her fear of losing loved ones, I think her decision to trust Levi speaks volumes of her faith in him and his abilities.

I believe that the professional trust Mikasa has in him has started to bloom into personal trust, and perhaps even something more. Considering all the struggles they went through and all the battles they fought together, I think that it is safe to assume that Mikasa has also come to trust Levi on a personal level. It is also apparent that she has come to care more for him as time went by. This is exemplified by the following instances:

1. When she cried out to Levi when he was injured during the struggle against Eren and Ymir’s Titans.

2. When she rushed towards him when his leg was caught in the mouth of a Titan and was subsequently shown to be checking on his injured condition while on the back of Falco Grice’s Jaw Titan during the moment before Armin transformed.

All of these things considered, Mikasa’s trust in Levi has paved the way for concern to develop. I’d like to explain further by analyzing how Mikasa reacted to an injured Levi on two (2) different occasions.

During the Uprising arc, Mikasa asked Levi about his leg because she felt guilty for being the cause of his injury. On the other hand, during the Rumbling, when Levi struggled to fight because of his extensive injuries, she checked on his condition when they had a brief moment of respite from the fighting.

It might not seem like much, but I think that this shows how Mikasa’s concern for him developed over time. At first, her concern was mainly driven by guilt. But this concern became more personal and became rooted in genuine worry for his well-being.

b. Levi's understanding and empathy towards her allow him to relate to her and her feelings.

On Levi’s part, his understanding of her allows him to relate to her and make sense of her feelings. This has already been shown during the fight against Annie during the Female Titan arc. Another instance that shows this was when he and Mikasa struggled over the Titan serum injection during the Battle of Shiganshina arc.

That particular situation was an unfair and emotionally charged moment where they had to literally choose whose life to save. And because Mikasa did not want to lose another loved one, she lunged at Levi when he initially decided to save Erwin over Armin.

On Levi’s part, it is worthy to note that he did not display any anger towards Mikasa when she attacked him. Instead, he just held her at bay while explaining that humanity needed Erwin’s skills. I think that he understood the pain she was feeling during that moment and silently acknowledged that she had every right to feel the way that she did. She and Eren were briefly imprisoned because their acts of defying him still constituted insubordination during an official mission. However, despite this, Levi did not personally feel any resentment towards either of them. And this is because he understood the pain that they felt.

Screenshots taken from Season 3, Episode 18 of the Attack on Titan anime.

As to how Levi’s understanding of her will affect the development of their relationship in the future, I think that he would play a significant role in her healing.

There is no doubt that Mikasa would be broken-hearted and traumatized over her decision to kill Eren. I strongly believe that she made the conscious decision to kill him as her way of letting him go and to save humanity from his cruelty. Nonetheless, Mikasa is still only human, and the fact remains that Eren was a huge part of her life. Therefore, her grieving the loss would be understandable and expected.

On this, I can see Levi as being patient towards her and comforting her in silent and subtle ways. I can see the two of them connecting and strengthening their bond. They fought alongside each other during the final stand against Eren. Both of them are also scarred and traumatized soldiers. And I can see them healing together and processing their traumas through sharing silent moments of companionship and expressing the pain they feel during especially vulnerable moments. Their shared and similar experiences can serve as common ground for their connection to further develop.

As for Mikasa, I think that it can be said that after everything they went through, she would come to trust Levi enough to be comfortable and be vulnerable with him and in front of him. She and Levi had fought together side-by-side on various missions. She has trusted him to make the right calls for their sakes as well as for the sakes of their comrades. She is aware that he knows of how much Eren had meant to her. And she also knows that he had suffered great losses as well. I think that with all of these things, Mikasa would realize that she can let her guard down in front of him and trust him to understand her.

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In relation to this, here's a quick (and shameless) plug. Haha. I wrote a RivaMika story about Levi comforting Mikasa when she a nightmare about Eren. It's a post-canon story that features a close and intimate relationship between the two. The genre is a cross between fluff and angst. If you're interested, the link is right below. Let me know what you think!

Link: Glad that You're Here

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A QUICK NOTE ON THE SCENE WHERE MIKASA ATTACKED LEVI WHEN HE SAID THAT HE WOULD USE THE SERUM ON ERWIN:

Some people might say that Mikasa does not completely trust Levi and his decisions because she attacked him when he initially decided to save Erwin instead of Armin. If anyone were to say this, my response would be that I disagree.

As earlier mentioned, that particular situation was exceptional in terms of circumstances. They literally had to choose whose life to save. And considering that the life of one of her closest friends was hanging in the balance, Mikasa naturally wanted to save Armin.

And because of this, she attacked Levi and struggled against him for the serum. While her act was not ideal from a practical point of view, it was nonetheless understandable. The thought of losing Armin pained Mikasa. The emotional distress she felt was heavy and valid. It can be said that she should have kept her emotions out of it. But it is important to remember that at the end of the day, Mikasa is still only human – and that she has already lost so many loved ones before. As such, she could not be faulted for feeling her emotions.

It is also worth noting that while she initially protested against the decision, Mikasa eventually accepted, albeit with a heavy heart, Levi’s initial decision to save Erwin. This is because Hange helped her realize that Levi was correct about Erwin’s leadership skills and experience being valuable assets to the people inside the Walls. The Titan-scientist likewise helped her realize that even though losing someone is painful, they, as soldiers, must find the strength to move forward. While it is likely that the latter realization was more impactful than the first, Mikasa still realized that Levi’s first decision was logical.

Another thing worth noting is that instead of forcibly taking the serum from Levi, she asked him to give it to her. After some thinking, this is how I would interpret this moment: Mikasa wanted Levi to decide for himself to choose Armin. When Eren plead for Armin’s case, she reacted by asking Levi for the serum. I think that she hoped that he would be convinced that saving Armin was the right decision. I believe that this shows just how much faith she has in Levi’s judgment.

Screenshot taken from Season 3, Episode 18 of the Attack on Titan anime.

Thus, all things considered, this particular instance does not change the fact that Mikasa trusts Levi. Furthermore, as previously discussed above, this moment also further proves that Levi understands Mikasa.

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Author's Note: Well, that it's for now. Haha. I plan to post more analyses in the future. I hope that this post is clear. Let me know your thoughts and opinions!

[idris-hunts-the-mando]

Right place, Right time  \the departure pt.1/

Rating: Mature

Words: 6.1k

A/N:  this took me the bulk of a week to complete, i think ill make a few small bite sized works for a while, working on the next part in a week or so, once i get myself back together. give me all the love you as a reader can, I’m fueled by praise/hj 

pairings: none yet

Warnings: series typical violence, hard swearing, moderate gore

I woke up sore and hurt in the bunk room, the cold cot felt like frozen river stones under my tired bones. I could tell we arrived at our destination from the frostbite settling into my fingers and nose. The slow neutral hum of machinery was a tell tale sign that the ship was at ease, the noise usually deafening. Pulling my threadbare scarf up over my neck and chin, i started regretting choosing this particular cargo ship going to a frozen planet for a runaway plan. I braced for the aggravating beginning to the tiresome day and sat up from my cramped bunk space. sleeping in a room with a dozen oily work worn men didnt make any part of the trip to Maldo Keris easier, not to mention the fact they all saw me as more of a womp rat and less of a sentient being. keeping my eyes to myself, i shoved my tattered boots over my feet buckled my tool belt to my hip and hurried out of the barracks before the bulk of my crew mates woke up. stepping out onto the loading dock,i took a breath in. the smell of poorly filtered air irked my mechanics brain. It would be such an easy fix if they payed me to care. But alas, for this particular voyage, i was bunked out like a stowaway, giving in return my fix-it help around deck for passage off my planet of origin. Sighing out the musty air, i checked my stations. Navigating the hold was like a womp rat through a maze, you had to be rather nimble and graceful to get through the makeshift corridors without issue. Unluckily for me, I was neither nimble nor graceful. When i got to the panel, i took out my key ring and unlocked the rusted metal door to expose the intricacies within. the wiring looked tip top shape, but the fuel lines needed a bit more attention than the other tangle of electronics, so i took out my multi-tool to tighten the fittings. The liquid distilled Rhydonium that flowed through these particular lines was a less explosive substance than its pure form, but dangerous nonetheless. the multi-tool was a newer model, so it didn't fit this type of bolt all the way, but it was better than nothing. Better than allowing it to loosen over another voyage and have the ship explode mid hyper-speed.

  My mind was so stuck in its own world, the training I had over the many years in a scrappers shop spewing all of its knowings about rhydonium and fuel lines that I didn't have time to notice the first lieutenant Maegs stalking his way over to me. I jumped a moment before he spoke, tightening the last half inch of the bolt down maybe a bit too aggressively.

  "We the captains crew appreciate the helping you've been do'en for this ol beasty of a ship," he mentioned, one his independent eyes viewed me separably, while the second one was monitoring my work. I froze for a moment out of fear, but i didn't think he took notice. "You're more than welcome to stick 'round 'an see what else you can fix up for this rust-bucket." the first lieutenant never gave me much of a hard time, unlike most of the crew. But I had made up my mind the first night in hyperspace that I would haul ass out of this suffocating ship as soon as a habitable planet was spotted. I finished up closing and locking the wires box, shaking my head slowly and turning to face him.

  "I do love the sentiment, lieutenant. but maybe another time if our paths cross again." I forced an obligatory smile, avoiding making eye contact with him at all costs out of fear for not having the attention span to pick and stick to a wondering eye. If i could ever force myself to say something nice about the ship and its crew, it would be the acceptance of short interactions. A conversation rarely surpassed the 'how are you doing today' phase, by the moons it never got to that phase in the first place. And I was a person of not many words, and not much of a filter.

  Maegs nodded slowly, clasping two of his 4 arms behind his back and turning away. I felt the need to repay his unprompted kindness with some suggestions for the ship before I left it for good. Call me sentimental, but this ship, albeit mostly composed of literal blood sweat and spit, was my ticket into a new life. "don't let yourself get caught without changing the air filtration system, them new republic scouters are picky about what type of poison you use for cremates." I remark with a little smirk. Maegs paused, narrowing his eyes, amused by the backhanded remark. He had surely gotten complaints about the smell before. He gave a thoughtful nod toward me, and allowed himself a small smile. I looked down in my hands, the key ring still hanging off my index finger. I tossed it towards him and was relieved when he caught it. he turned with no further words needed. On his way to the control room, he pushed the cargo bay door release button. My line of sight was clear from the opening door to the nearby port town and when the frosty air stung my face, I knew in my soul that this was a good thing. Taking in a breath of the salted frozen air, my body naturally recoiled. I'm not one for cold. 'Ah well, way to go picking the nearest ice planet than idiot' I scolded myself, pulling my cloak back over my shoulders to take the first step out of the ship held together with sticker line and bantha spit. 'Good riddance'.

  Walking into town was harder than expected, the ice on the ground blended into the ice of the horizon, making spacial reasoning a thing of the past. The only anchor I had to the planet besides its heavy gravity was the stark grey buildings stapled to the sheets of ice about 10 meters in front of me. I never could have guessed the sky of Maldo Keris could get any uglier, but planets like these have a way of surprising a person. I tucked my hair and ears away with the hood of my raggedy travelers cloak, bracing myself from the heavy winds by retreating further and further into my cloths. I stayed on the worn path from the ship's dock port, hearing from previous crew mates that this was the warm season, that the ice was thinner and the creatures lurking underneath had no sense of remorse. Now nervous at the revival of that pleasant memory, I kept a close eye on my surroundings, not having the most faith in my feet for staying their course. The wind stung at my exposed skin, reminding me I was wearing only my work cloths that weren't  meant for the sudden change in climate. The cloak I had was best at protecting my human skin from the suns above. Beyond that, my tatterd outer layer didn't do much for the safeguarding of my body heat.

  I was relieved to have stumbled to shade from the wind so quickly, the heavy kit bag on my back was starting to feel more like a boulder taped to my body than a simple means of containing my tools and spare cloths. Paying attention to the signs overhead, i quickly located the nearest cantina and rushed towards it as fast as any human Popsicle can. Opening the circular doors with the press of a button took me into what felt like a summer time resort. Hiding my appreciation for the warmth from the patrons staring at me, i collected my composure and swiftly found an open table. The electronic doors closed rather harshly behind me. I recognized the sound of faulty pressure hinge and eyed the door for a moment when i took my seat. That door was a danger to customers who get caught in it, it could cause some serious injuries for larger species and even fatalities for humanoids.

  Sitting down at the frosty old wooden chair was a relief on the fatigue in my joints. It was neither a comfortable seat, nor a relatively stable one, but it gave me time to take off my pack and study the small, rather ugly, room I found myself to be in. It wasn't too long before I would have to order something, or I feared starvation. The crew mates on the cargo ship were kind, if the bare minimum counts. Food once a day (as per average in the parsec), and as much sleep as necessary per species or race. For humans in particular, that amount of time was annoyingly low. tired and hungry was a bad mix for me as it is, but add cold to that mixture, and the first person to get on my nerves would be the last. i checked the contents of my bag to make sure everything looked as it should and moved up from my chair, replacing the spot with my hefty bag. I was rather confident that if any Kung Nerfhearder tried to run off with it, it would be too weighted for them to get far. I may be rather small compared to other sub species of humans, but i pride myself on my strength often.

  Making my way to the bar counter, I lean up between two silent patrons sitting a few seats away from each-other. I get the barkeep's attention with a wave of my fingers, calling him to me. "What kind of meal do you have on the stove top right now?" I ask with my flattest low tone. In port towns like this its important to be as emotionless as possible in order to not draw attention to yourself. Colorless, shapeless, uniform and mad was always the role you had to play to make it through the galaxy.

  "We got a silver weed in the radiator, it'll be 3 credits." He replied, picking up a glass and wiping it out with his rag covered hand. I pulled the amount needed out of my pocket and set it down on the bar counter. he swiped his hand over the credits, picking them up quickly. nodding, he left the sight of the bar for only a spit second before returning to the table with a small bowl of mush. I tried my best to smile and be thankful for the meal, but as the bowl transferred to my hands I had to focus on not gagging. I hurried back to my private table in the corner and settled back into my seat, dropping my bag on the floor between my legs to keep it as safe as possible. The last thing I want is a soup that tastes like the scrapings of a persons shoe into street worn snow, but what can you expect on a planet such as this. Prodding the gelatinous mass in the bowl with my spoon, I ponder the ever growing question of 'what in the hell is in this shit'. my mind wonders deep into its personal wonderland while my environment continues to be less and less favorable.

     Hostile voices from the other side of the cantina rise louder and louder, as if at the warm up stage of a slowly progressing screaming match. The feeling of sourness in my heart rose with a predictable inclination. The tension in the air grows as yet again the same scene unfolds before my and all other patrons of the cantina's eyes. I strain my neck to see what was happening. At the far end of the room, closer to the door than I am, I saw the oddly familiar face of a poor amphibious creature's head being slammed on the table he was sitting at. The oldest and most primal of situations, the strong picking on the weak. Three tall imposing figures towered over the poor humanoid looking fellow who was obvious to any idiot to be lacking in intimidating features. Seeing this obligatory show of power for any insecure creature with anger issues never sat right with me. It reminded me too much of where I came from, the slums of sand and glass where bullies like these were treated like royalty without challenge from the ones they harassed.

     'Dank ferrik, don't do it' i challenged the assaulter internally, as if pleading with them to harm their victim any more so I would have a reason to put in use my blade skills. i had no idea where I've seen that face before, but as they say, curiosity killed the Cathar. And there it happened, the final action in the escalation. The largest of the assaulter lifted the poor guy to his feet and the ring leader lifted his knife to the throat of his victim. A cry of anguish and fear came from the poor fool being restrained, and that was my last straw.

     I stood from my chair, kicking away my bag and drawing my vibroblade from my thigh holster, walking over to the group across the tavern. I growl, squaring my shoulders and stiffening my legs to make me seem bigger. I must have looked pretty wild, my tattered cloak drawn over my body like a dark fog, and my scarf still pulled up like a mask over my nose with only my furious green eyes over the top. Just as I started my warpath towards the men, the heavy ring shaped door to the cantina opened abruptly, startling a few of the onlookers. I knew what type of situation I had put myself in and how important focus and intimidation was, so I didn't take any time away from the assholes with blades to gawk at who had happened to stroll in. With my attention solely married to the poor bastard and his assailants, I noticed all of their attention was stripped from their target and glued to the newcomer. Evaluating my surroundings, I saw most of the other patrons in my sight were enthralled too. This piqued my interest and I felt it safe enough to turn and check out the royalty.

     Standing soberly at the bar counter, the figure of a mandolorian stood in silence, facing the bar keep. My heart dropped first, than my jaw. Only legend, only in the oldest fables and the scary stories my nan would use to scare me into not stealing the sweets late at night, had I ever heard of the likes of him. from the bescar armor forged in the heart of a black flame forge (or so i've been told) to the galaxy known creed of mandalore, this being was the stuff of leadgeneds. To be feared and adorned wherever they so chose to walk. but not anymore. Not since the planet turned to glass a hundred years ago, destroying much of what was known of the infamous warriors.

     I don't think the aggressors saw me and the dangerous piece of weaponry clasped in my hand, instead they looked drunkenly amused at the new patron, like sly cats with a new toy. surveying his surroundings, the warrior's expressionless visor swept the room. He inspected the threat levels of the patrons, the bullies, the amphibious humanoid sucker that was caught under it all. The mandolorian made no comment as he momentarily swept over me, with my clenched fist around the vibroblade. Rather he ignored me entirely, leaning against the bar counter and staring absentmindedly at the wall ahead of him. The scum saw this as an odd mandolorian intimidation tactic and took it to heart, growling a string of multilingual insults. I couldn't quite understand all the words from their  chosen dialect, but something about a drink spilling and how it was somehow the mando's fault.

     when they didn't get a response, they snorted, puffing their chest out and stalking towards the armored newcomer. Continuing to talk in another language I didn't understand fully, the bar keep attempted to translate, feeling the tensions rise in the air. "He says you spilled his drink." a moment of silence, with the smell of anger wafting from the half intoxicated bantha shaggers, And the barman attempted to diffuse the situation by offering the men drinks to hopefully get them to settle down. And by the two suns it did not. The drink slid from the barkeep's hand and down the table. The mandolorian took it out of its trajectory and started the assault, smashing the creature's head on the counter to his right and simultaneously twisting the louder man on his left arm until the knife in his hand stabbed himself in the ass. As the third attempted to run out the front door, mando caught him with his grappling wire and pulled him back. The tangled creature got his blaster from a thigh holder and shot a round at his would-be captor. The blaster fire ricochet off the bescar Armour, bringing the mando's attention to his own firearm. With the tangled assaulter in the right position, mando fired a single shot at the door of the cantina, Forcing the wiring to go into hyperactive shut down, closing the doors around the alien. The doors struggled for a moment, and so did the thing caught in it, but nothing stopped the metal and electricity from slicing through the meat of its body. The legs of the now dead man fell to the ground at the door with a sickening thump.

     After this, the silence in the room was so thick you could swing at it with a hatchet and not make a dent in the shock factor. unsurprisingly enough, every patron went back to their own businesses with each other as if nothing had happened. A pair sitting at a table close to the door went swiftly to the half body to move it away to continue the flow of traffic as they then scurried out the doors, carrying the top half between them. Scavengers i bet, black market womp rats' i thought, sighing at how quickly the circle of life can flash before your eyes. death isn't something to be dewlled on in a universe like this, now back to the issue at hand.

     recollection hit me like a half ton of bricks when I remembered where I saw the face of the teal looking bastard with a knife previously on his neck. Spite flooded in my blood as I narrowed my eyes at my next target, shoving my vibroblade back in my thigh holster aggressively and stomping towards the useless excuse of flesh. "You're a dead man now, Mythrol." I said to myself. he must have heard me, or possibly sensed all the rage walking swiftly at him. His eyes upturned towards me, full of fear, but I now remember there is an ugly smugness to him too. I made it to the table, putting my hands down in front of him, leaning my top body weight on my palms. "You better have a divine excuse for not meeting me at that port you Druk Nerfhearder, or you'll be seeing the wrong side of the ice ocean outside in 30 seconds." I could barely contain my frustration with this sniveling worm, he was the reason i had to bunk with the disgusting oiled engineers for a week in hyperspace. The reason I had only 12 credits in my tech vault and less than that on hand. He scammed me out of a decent ride and my entire years savings. It was a genuine miracle how well I kept myself from not leaping over the table he sat at and giving him a new meaning to crazy bitch.  

     "H-hey, hey you, long time no see huh, man am I sorry for missing out on that meting we had that one time, sorry pal I kinda slept in-" but before he could make up any more exuces, any more lies, my vibroblade was at his throat right where the other man's was just a moment ago. He hissed and recoiled back in his seat, opening and closing his mouth a few times, trying to breathe, to speak. whichever it was, it wouldn't matter soon. He had talked enough in his lifetime to anger hundreds of poor victims throughout the parsec, letting him one last word would be a dishonor to all of them.

     Before I could press the blade into his flesh, a firm leather covered hand wrapped around my forearm, pulling it away carefully. I looked at the arm, attached to it was a shoulder, and atop the shoulder sat a gleaming bescar helmet. I felt my heart sink into the depths of my stomach, the anger switching places with feral panic that I tried my absolute best to contain. No words came from the mandolorian, a simple shake of his head was all i got. he loosened the grip on my arm, letting it recall back to my center of gravity.Ii looked down at the arm, looking for any obvious signs of damage, but his grip was closer to gentle and firm than harsh. A soft metallic thud brought my attention to the table, where the mando has tossed a puck. A bounty puck. Today was certainly a day for emotions, because T felt as pleased as a jawa coming across the flashing screen of Mythrol's face on the holographic screen projected by the puck.        Mytrol looked between me and the mandolorian a few times before painting his face with a fake smile, the wheels in his head turning into overdrive trying to make a lie up to get himself out of this one. "Is that me?" he questioned, the forced denial barely hiding the fear in his eyes. "Aw come on, I can pay you more than that pitiful bounty, a whole new cruiser," he pleaded, bargaining for his life. "on me, waddaya say."

     The mandolorian doesn't waste a breath to reply, his electronically filtered voice filling the getting-to-be awkward silence. "I can take you in warm." he placed a hand on his hip holster, bringing attention to the deadly gun strapped in it. "Or I can bring you in cold." Mythroll's face turned pale with fear, looking like a sort of pale blue spirit. Gulping down what could have been vomit, or another plea for life, he couldn't move at all, just staring at the mandolorian's unfeeling visor.

     The mandolorian slaps restraints on mythrol's wrists, pulling him up and out of his chair in one swift motion, the disparaged lump following along with his hands bound together. He seemed resigned to his fate as he was pulled out of the cantina, leaving in his wake and eruption of whispers and a few sobs of relief from the clientele of the bar. I myself was in a state of shock by what had happened and the intense speed at which it had occurred, Standing in front of a table with drops of blood on it not knowing what to do next. Mythrol had cheated me out of a lot of money, and he was just walking away, atoning for crimes he didn't commit against me. that in and of itself felt somewhat fair, fair to any of the galaxy he had screwed over so far.  

     My body flew back to my table mostly on its own, smashing into the chair at which I had just been sitting less than a minute ago. I hauled my ridiculously large bag over one shoulder, the extra strap free in the wind. I knew i had to at least try. for myself. Running back to the door panel where the halfed creature had met his end, I slammed the controls urgently, opening the door back out to the wild wind of Maldo Keris. Scanning the nearby environment was hard without protective goggles to shield me from the dust and yuck in the wind, but I spotted a pair of hulking figures 15 yards from the cantina, moving at a steady pace away. Try for me, I can do this one thing for myself. I sprinted as fast as I could with the pack over one shoulder, making me surely look like some sort of lame bantha to any possible onlookers. "Wait! wait please!" I called out to the mandolorian, my tone accidentally becoming demanding, but I think that helped to get the mandolorian's attention. They stopped and Mythrol looked at the mando, as if he was pleading to get him away from me in fear I had came back just to fight a mandolorinan for a chance to stab him again. As tantalizing as that thought was, the actions I were taking were purely selfish. I deserve justice just as much as any poor sap sad enough to cross paths with the scamming womp rat or the mystery person who called for the bounty.

     "Please let me come with you for when you collect his bounty." I asked somberly, stopping my chase a few paces away from the pair standing together. "I swear I wont take the credits from you, I just want to see him pay for what he's done." Tiny beads of sweat pearled at my brow, my breath was labored in my throat. Even walking with my bag was hard, but I had just chased down a bounty hunter and his captive. Strands of my hair stuck to my forehead and I wiped them away with the back of my forearm once they crept into my eyes.

   Mytrhol had to get his two cents in of course, holding the bounty hunter by the cape and making his eyes go wide with worry. "I don't know who this person is, don't let them come along, they could try to hurt me!" He plead, tugging on the cape like a whiny child. Now the anger came back, a cold rage in my fists, ready to start brutalizing someone at the drop of a pin. I narrowed my eyes at Mythrol, who didst bother to return the look. the mandolorian stared for a moment, looking off behind me in thought. The worry then set in, a fear whispered in the back of my skull 'You'll never get your closure and die alone on this hell planet.' My eyes went to the obsidian visor of the mando, creasing my brows together, subconsciously chewing on my lip as he made his decision. Loosening his shoulders, he slumped his head downward, as if morally defeated. I was taken aback by the conflict he was having about weather or not to let a weird stranger aboard his ship or not. oddly enough I understood his seeming frustration, I wouldn't let me go if I were him. He picked his head up after a second, looking me up and down as if to study me entirely. I felt eyes over my body, it was weirdly intimate. When he made his way back up to my eyes, he stood in silence for a moment before asking. "Do you have any weapons on you besides the blade?"

   Certainly a different question than what I thought was going to be asked, so for the answer, I had to think about it for a moment, mentally going through my bag and person. "n, no. I have my vibroblade. and a sack full of my electrician's tools, but they arn't traditional weapons." I responded earnestly, my tone going flat again. Another moment of silence, Mythrol looking quickly between the bounty hunter and myself.

   "If you truly wish to see the bounty delivered, I can take you to the trade. In exchange for the ride there, my ship needs mild internal repairs. If you try to cross me," He paused, a hand went to his blaster as a warning. A flashback to the cantina entered my forethought, the image of his hand on his blaster the same way as it was now moments before a man got cut in half. The warning was received properly, I felt thoroughly intimidated. "You'll be dead before you could pray to any gods." damn. That was intense. thoroughly intimidated, to the core. i took a breath in, almost allowing myself time to rethink my request in its entirity. but i responded with a quick nod. I knew my way around most ship interiors, if the ship wasn't rusted and breaking in half on take off, i knew i'd be able to mend it.

   The mandolorian gave no other word to me and turned, walking towards the ice flats docking crew. I allowed myself a cheeky smirk, fulfillment at the succession in my pursuit gave my heart a good warm squeeze. Following along behind the mandoloian a pace, he negotiated with the docking crew, asking oddly enough for a live pilot, not a droid. Some harmonic whistling came from the ferryman, hailing over a rust bucket of a speeder. As the speeder came to a stop to collect its haul, rusted pieces of under backing fell from the rear, clanking to the ice annoyingly. We all loaded into the speeder, I sat in front with the driver, the mando and his bounty in the back, a gloved hand around Mythrol's bicep at all times. We reached out frozen destination, the driver of the speeder calling one last warning to the three of us after collecting his dues and puttering off towards the port.

   I took a moment to asses the hull of the razor crest, it wasn't too bad for a pre new republic vessel. Some battle scars here and there around the landing gear, a charred blaster fire mark on the windows of the cockpit. This was truly the ship of a bounty hunter. Turning to follow the speeder's course, I couldn't help but feel a deep unease, he had warned about the ice planet's personal creature of death, Ravanack. Just then, the entire rusty hull of the speeder and its driver were swallowed whole in a single angry bite. The ravanack retreated back into the ice just as Mythroll let out a girlish scream of terror. He booked it twords the mandolorian who was opening the hatch to the belly of his ship, screaming for dear life to let him in. The ice where the speeder was swallowed started cracking in the direction of the ship, very quickly speeding directly at Mythrol.

   My instincts kicked in and I hopped out of the way, swinging myself onto the floor of the cargo hold of the ship with the momentum of my bag. Just as i got out of harms way, the mandolorian swung himself out of the ship to grab the petrified blue idiot only moments before the jaws of his early death lunged out of the ice, driving sickeningly deep into the landing gear of the razor crest. I winced at the damage done, scrambling back away from the flying Mythroll the mando had haphazardly chucked at me. The mandolorian seemed to ignore me entirely, herding his bounty into the cockpit with him. As the engines revved and the propellers blasted their heat down towards the ice at max capacity, the beast clung tightly to its prey of metal and paint, determined wholeheartedly to bring the ship down to its frigid death. The mando hopped down the ladder, rushing to the cargo bay door with his riffle. he stabbed the bayonet into the beast's head, sending a current of electricity into its skull. the beast roared furiously, releasing the ship and sinking back into the inky ocean.

   I collected myself and scrambled up off the floor. the cargo bay doors closed quickly, leaving the mandolorian and myself in the ambient humming of the bay. His breast plate rose and fell, getting less an less noticeable as he calmed down. turning towards me. He nodded at a upturned metal basket with a weather worn blanket tossed over it. I took the hint and put my bag on top of the makeshift stool, retrieving from it my more universal tools. Going from one job to another wasn't my ideal, but this was a more opportunistic adventure. My original goal was only ever to get off the sun bitten planet i was from, beyond that was up to fate, and I can't really complain about where it took me today. Now i'm headed to gods know where with a mandolorian and his bounty who single-handedly ruined the last year and a half's hard work I had done. turning my head towards the mandolorian, I saw him stand in the hallway between the cargo bay and the cockpit, eyeing his bounty.

   Words hung on the end of my tongue, ready to ask millions of questions out of pure adrenaline fueled thrill. But I stopped myself from spilling over, taking notice of the details in the mando's body for the first time. For the most feared warrior in the galaxy, this man looked as any other bounty hunter. His armor was chipped and dented, highlighting the flaws in the outer most shell of himself. A deep rooted curiosity took roots just then, desiring to know more of what laid under his iron and bescar plates. "Where should I start working first?" I asked as politely as possible. feeling a need to use respective words when in the presence of a man who just stabbed a water beast in the head. This got his attention away from the bounty if only for a moment. He paused for a second, going through the archives of his mind to see where needed the most urgent attention. Turning 180 degrees, he lifted a gloved hand to point at the panel of buttons and levers at the end of the metal room. It looked mostly in tact, but only mostly. There was blaster char at the center of the damage, near the bottom left hand corner of the panel itself. "Yikes." I whispered mostly to myself, reaching in my bag for a clean oil rag. Acknowledging the mandolrian's request with a glance and half nod, I got to work at the station. It looked to be the control panel for the gun hold under the main cargo bay. The possible stories tied with the maiming of this piece of equipment swarmed my mind, finding my own way of theorizing any number of adventurous tales.

   A few minutes go by, tweaking the damaged area as best I could to fit my hands into the circuitry. Mythroll passed by quickly, entering the open door of the munitions hold to the ladder down. I got nervous for a moment, than I heard him calling back to the mandolorian pilot, talking about molting and stellar seasons. What an odd being. Slimy thieving nerfhearder. Going back to work, not questioning the reasons tmythroll went down there. so wrapped up, figuratively and literally, in the wires of the control panel, i hadn't noticed mando sneaking past me, silent as death. I hadn't noticed him, that is, until I heard the thumping and crashing of combat and the pitiful yelps of the bounty rise to draw my attention toward the lower hold. Mythroll's shout cut short with an angry metallic hiss. The fear now taking a hold of my stomach, I pulled my hand out of the tangle to look nervously down the ladder, seeing the mando start his ascent. "carbon freezing." he said simply. I know his intention was to explain what had just happen in hopes to ease my worry, but no. it worried me more. Drawing my thought to the intense reality that I was willingly trapped on the ship of a proven dangerous bounty hunter. I felt rather idiotic in that moment, the crushing weight of the situation bringing me to a moral defeat. The mando slid by me, his body language more casual than it should have been seeing as how he had just half killed someone in the hold of his ship. He paused momentarily, looking over my work. nodding, He left in silence, returning to the cockpit.

   After a second, I gathered my thoughts and took a deep breath into my lungs. The reality of my life now was flipped upside down and tossed into a spinning vortex of crazy, but I know my strengths. I know myself and what i can handle. This? was obviously odd and scary and new, but the skills I cary can get me far. Exhaling, I focused my mind at the task at hand. Knowing my entire world was going to be changing from here on out was more calming than expected. The determination I felt towards my own new chapter of life soothed my aching back and fried nerves. This was going to be epic.

   A/N: i'm so glad to have finally finished this, holy hell ;-;    

[alliterative-albatross]

So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

~

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again. 

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise! 

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory. 

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs, 

~ Jay

[common-blackbird]

it’s time... for a dragon age 2 playthrough post. scroll on!

The things i loved most:

1) the frame of the game - Cassandra interrogating Varric.

What a great way to get hook the player. Like, the opening of guards dragging this poor dwarf with cuts of the title, and then Cassandra demanding answers... Whoaaa! I have no idea if that’s usually done in games or not, but it’s definitely such an amazing intro with characters introducing themselves as well as the story so perfectly, it captivates instantly. The tutorial has a charm to it bc varric is messing around. Which serves to show more of his character. Cassandra’s personality was pretty much blank here but her presence is so powerful. Something happened, something huge and they know and i was about to find out. I can’t describe how excited that intro made me feel. Each time the scene cut to the interrogation scenes, my eyes were glued more than ever. Just GREAT.

Also it makes for a very convenient scapegoat for every plothole ever with the argument “it’s just his version of the story”.

2) The story.

It’s tragic. It’s amazing! The further you play, the more you can see that no matter what you do, everything leads to a disaster. Hawke doesn’t want to take sides, tries to mediate, does not want to get involved, but just can’t stop it. For every thing gained, Hawke loses two more. Your friends come with packages that get you involved in terrible stuff. Your good intentions result in disasters. The whole game you spent time climbing  the social ladder not only to reach the top hauntingly alone after losing all of your family, but also losing even that empty title and watching as the city you started to find your place in fall apart in blood. UGH! GAH! FEELS!

3) Kirkwall.

“ But, I beg you my dear readers, never forget that, no matter the subject of any story that might ever be explored between the cliffs of Kirkwall, She will find a way to steal the thunder of the protagonist. Or become the antagonist. Kirkwall is never a mere background. We could even understand it so: the challenge for you dear readers is to prevail against the smokescreens and observe to what extent our characters are players or played by the merciless black souled stone giant. Enjoy playing the dare of the ages between the lines of these humble memoirs. “

Memoirs from the Downfall - Act I. Mirage    by Pfefferminze on ao3 (fic rec!)

This paragraph summs up what Kirkwall is better than I ever could. This shrouded mystery that surrounds Kirkwall keeps you on toes. From the first intro when Varric describes it (paraphrasing from memory) “Kirkwall. The city of chains. It is a free city - keeping in mind i use the  the word loosely”. You already start seeing how dark Kirkwall gets. The name, that derives from its black walls (interestingly, the walls in the game aren’t black...), the history of slavery etched into every corner of that city  and its surroundings - the names (The Gallows, the Bone Pit, the Wounded Coast, the pub The Hanged Man), the scenery (sculptures of slaves, the sunken ships by the Wounded Coast, slums and underground of the Lowtown and the Darktown).

I was really digging the History of Kirkwall and it loved it. Kirkwall has a history of violence, from the times of slavery of the Tevinter Imperium, to Qunari conquests and liberation from Orlais. Many revolts and uprising. And though free now, it’s suggested that, seeing that the Templars hold the most influence, Kirkwall is in the hands of the Chantry.

It’s full of cultures mixing together. I love how not one of your companions is a native to Kirkwall, and it feels like a crossroads to every character’s life. a very tragic crossroads in their life, seeing there’s nothing ever good waiting for you in Kirkwall.

Also there’s these codex entries you look for about the Enigma of Kirkwall. It was when i started digging that up that i fell in love with the city and all. Combined with the History of Kirkwall and every codex entry for every place in and out of Kirkwall, I was pulling my hair out reading about the Enigma. I..i’m still not quite sure what happened. Did the magisters use blood of thousands upon thousands slaves to unbound a forgotten one? if so, is that corypheus? And around what time did that happen?? I get that part (or all?) of Kirkwall’s mysterious violent agency is owed to corypheus slumbering relatively close to the city, but is that all? or is there something more? In either case, the Band of Tree are my heroes.

4) The characters.

I’ll talk more about them later, but in general, i just love how they oppose each other, how complex they are, and there is just not pleasing everyone. They feel genuine. They are all deeply flawed. They all have a solid background that makes their beliefs and actions convincing. The friendship/rivalry points are shaky though, and sometimes really don’t fit the character, but i guess there must be someone hating/loving your bad choices for the sake of the game regardless of characterisation. But all in all, i really appreciated each and every character, and loved how their viewpoints challenged me.

First i want a disclaimer: i love each and every character in the game, whatever i say against them doesn’t diminish my liking of them. My issues really aren’t significant. Also, i might and probably will say smth wrong bc i’ve only played it once. I’m a baby.

let’s start with Family:

Mama Hawke:

i really loved mama hawke. after reading her codex entry and an excerpt of some book on this site, i really feel for her. I mean, imagine going back to your home city where you only remember being respected and wealthy only to find out everything you remember is gone, you are forced to live in poverty, your kids are doing dangerous jobs and you can’t stop them bc you do need that money, you write letters trying to get the old connections but keep failing (at least it was implied?), it’s really been hard for her. I get why she was so obsessed with her legacy. She wanted her childhood home back. She can’t feel like Kirkwall is her home until she is home.

Also loved her antagonism towards Hawke. It seems she can no longer treat him like a child, so she criticises him instead. and honestly, hawke is doing some crazy things so he defintiely deserves some criticism. And stopping Hawke from taking carver with him is just logical to me, idk. since she knows she can’t stop Hawke from going, she will at least attempt to prevent the last kid from going into mortal danger. I’d do the same. AND AFTER HAVING CARVER DYING IN DEEP ROADS I AGREE WITH HER

All in all, i don’t think she’s a perfect mom, but there is no perfect mom, and Leandra does care a lot for her kids. The All that remains killed me too :’(

Bethany

RIP :(

Her codex is not long, but i guess she wasn’t happy with her magic :(

CARVER

My favouritest bestest bro in the game. A secondary character with an inferiority complex towards his sibling, with no sense of humour, blaming everyone else for his inability to get a life? I see a lot of myself in him.  He is sooo bitter, but doesn’t even realise (or at least doesn’t admit) that he’s his biggest obstacle. He feels like it’s Hawke’s fault for Carver not getting his place in the sun, but honestly, it’s Carver’s devotion to Hawke that keeps him from getting a life. He’s just tied with that responsibility and can’t break from it unless forced to.

His interactions with other characters are so funny. Either he’s bitter or he’s awkward, i die every time ;;__;;

Anyways, he became a templar in my game and i thought it fits better thematically (throughout the game the grey wardens felt more like a fanservice material since they really aren’t connected to the story), but after reading that meta about carver and seeing the striking difference between warden!carver and templar!carver i wanna reload and redo everything ;;__;;

i mean... carver isn’t exactly a templar material. The codex entry for templars says that the wanted characteristics of templars are strong faith and utmost  obedience, none of which carver really has... . But that moment when he stands up against meredith was *chefs kiss* worth it. I’m just wondering what happens after, is he still a templar? is he with hawke? is he in Kirkwall or if not, where did he go?? so many questions ;A;

Uncle Gamlen

I feel bad for him. Mostly he’s mean but i like to think it’s bc he’s so ashamed that his sister sees what he’s become. And he’s bitter about his own life. I was so happy when i realised he has a personal mission ;__; I feel bad that he didn’t come to live in the hawke estate tho, especially since Hawke is also alone there :(

COMPANIONS!

Varric

There are no words that can properly convey the amount of love for this guy. He is simply flawless. He’s a charming godfather of the dwarven mafia. I wanna have a charming godfather of the dwarven mafia in my life... He already becomes interesting with the intro, and i gotta say, out of all ~storyteller~ types of characters, he is the best. he puts a disclaimer at the beginning with that game tutorial, and during the whole interrogation he’s like “well, how do you know i’m not lying? i could be.” Also, his voice is the second best voice in the game. 

As for his personal missions, oh wow, that thing with his big bro really hurt. I also gave him the red lyrium... was that a mistake? will i regret it? ;__; I know the true friend would prevent him, but i also trust that varric knows how to handle dangerous stuff...

On a side note, since i’ve read the comics (no self control whatsoever), i loved the beginning of the Until We Sleep, where varric mentions it’s easier to imagine all the people he had to kill were evil than to face the fact that those were normal people just doing their job or trying to survive. Man, it hurts TAT

*garret hawke’s voice when he looks a certain way at the family crest in the hawke estate* ISABELA!

Ok ok, so, i love Carver bc i relate,  i love Varric because he’s simply perfect. But I love Isabela because she’s the most intriguing.

She just crashed in Kirkwall and really didn’t sign up for all the trouble she got. She never likes to have deep conversations, she is always downgrading herself and you just wonder, what is it that happened in her life, and you know her past mistakes haunt her, and she’s doing her best to move on. Her arc was i think my favourite. I think the comic Those Who Speak really adds a lot to her arc in DA2 and makes some of her choices more understandable. Her whole story is about her internal conflict of whether to survive or do the right thing. Her story about freeing the slaves got her ship wrecked is great and all for making her be a pirate with a golden heart, but that story about her drowning all the slaves few years previous make this freeing of slaves a big character moment for her. She finally did the right thing. And she got for it was more trouble, because she’s a pirate which means she can’t afford to just do the right thing. And throughout the game, that same story is going back and forth. She runs off with the Relic bc she’s done the right thing before and it got her nowhere, so now she decided to put her own survival as a priority, but comes back bc she’s too kind to just leave Hawke standing like that. And again, with the slaver papers, it’s the same reasoning: it’s her or the higher cause. She needs that ship. She chooses herself. It’s her biggest flaw. But hey, between pros and antis in your party, it was really refreshing to have someone who, along with varric, just gives you a break with moral high-grounds.

I only wish we actually got to see her more as a captain in power in the game or that she showed me that amazing hat she saw in lowtown. It’s cool that it’s implied that her crew doesn’t like her and she also lost most of them during the crash while the others probably left her after.

I love it when she says she goes sometimes to the docks just to watch the ships. That there is no feeling like sailing. I just want a spin-off with captain isabela’s terrible adventures (´A`)

Also, isabela���s VA is my fave, she really did an amazing job. she voices so smoothly, i wouldn’t know if i was playing a game or watching a movie. And has such a pretty way of talking...

Aveline

I’m really neutral towards Aveline. I like her personality and i like that she’s found herself a purpose and advanced in the guards, and she’s always looking out for everybody. I just wish her personal missions went in the vein of the one in act 1... i feel it would have been more interesting to see her having trouble in her position and that you can’t just waltz into Kirkwall and take command. It’s implied she’s being pressured, so i guess she’s just dealing with it herself, but i just... eh. She’s ok.

Merrill

Merrill actually has one of the if not the most tragic story-line that really challenges you both morally and emotionally. 

Her cheerful and cute personality is dampened by her constant dark leitmotif of willingly practicing blood magic. And i think her story really showed well the indirect consequences of it.

Not in one instance was Merrill’s practice of blood magic an active culprit for all tragedy that surrounds her. First, it seems that blood magic is practiced in the clan, seeing there is no freeing Flemeth without it, but i’m guessing it’s seldom practiced and with great caution. So Merrill wasn’t in any danger of being prosecuted for her blood magic. It’s actually her wish to study it further with the help of the demon that makes her an outcast. That and the magic mirror that apparently is forgotten for a reason. Also, it’s made quite clear that Merrill would be welcomed back no questions asked if she at any point decided to ditch the demon and live without the study of magic mirror. She, on the other side, is driven by the higher cause, the idea that figuring out the forgotten purpose of some evil mirror might help her clan, and is willing to be an outcast if it means reaching her goal and helping her clan. Fast foward to act 3, the clan is still there when they should have moved away, and it’s only when you face the demon possessed Keeper, you realise why. She knew Merrill would sooner or later bargain with the demon again. And she sacrificed herself, trapping the demon within her, as to prevent it. And i think that is why the clan stayed so long there. She waited for Merrill because she wanted Merrill to kill her, and hopefully with her the demon. It didn’t go as planned, obviously, but i really think she had good intentions. When Merrill does manage to kill the Keeper she’s forced to face the clan and i chose the wrong option of telling the truth which resulted in a massacre. Merrill gets back and regrets everything. She, however resolves to help the alienage.

The thing is, there is no one to blame Everyone had the best intentions. Everyone is working for the safety of the clan. it’s a story of sacrifice and when sacrifice feels like the wrong choice (whether it truly is or isn’t depends on your worldview) and it’s really done well.

But here are my issues with Merrill. I love her as a character, but i don’t agree with her decisions.  It’s a personal issue. Merrill is giving up everything as to help her clan by learning history of the evil mirror. And while this is a game where old things are important and significant, her mission is always explained as this duty of preserving history. And while i agree that preserving history is very important, there is a limit to it. you should never put history before the present. If your research endangers the present, you give up on that line. The other is that you need to make peace with the fact that many, many things are forgotten and will be forgotten. It’s sad, but you gotta make peace with the fact that some things are just gone.

And Merrill, who is a magic historian, fails to see that. So that kinda irks my historian moral codex. And in the end, as far as i know, Merrill doesn’t succeed in reviving the evil mirror and dedicates herself to help the alienage. It was a terrible way to learn that some things aren’t worth it.

The other, less personal issue, is that none of this had to happen. I mean, the keeper obviously didn’t think Merrill was experienced enough to actually deal with demons and therefore distrusted her and warned the clan about it. So, if Merrill was a little bit more patient she could have just studied normally under the keeper, and when she herself becomes the keeper, she could have fraternize with that demon however she wanted without much complications. So yeah... i guess youth is made of idealism.

But as i said, minor issues. Her story is really, really great.

Fenris

Fenris and Anders are my “i love you but i am soo annoyed by you but i still love you” characters. Half of the time they’re just there to make you feel guilty for being a neutral party. Which sometimes has me rolling my eyes. If Fenris and Anders actually got along with each other, slavery and mage oppression would have ended in 2 days. Which makes it all the more frustrating that they do not.

Fenris.. his voice. What a nice voice colour. So elegant, but kinda rough, sometimes he talks like he’s 80 years old, sometimes like he’s a teenager. I love it.

As for the rest, i mean, i don’t agree with his methods, but very often, the guy’s got a point. I get his experience with mages colours his view on them, so while i symphatise, it’s really hard to have him on my “free mages” missions when he’s my best tank and i want him to be on friendly terms with Hawke so this makes things... difficult. That aside, it’s interesting that fenris doesn’t see mages as evil per se, but rather victims who, in his experience, will always, always going to succumb to a demon. It’s an inevitable reality to him. And this makes me wonder if he ultimately, despite being his friend or lover, is just waiting for the day he will be forced to kill Hawke too :(

As for his missions, they were ok, it led up to culmination and i didn’t let him kill his sister bc Hawke has just lost his mom, don’t do smth you’ll regret ;__;

also, somewhere around the end of act 2 i decided to romance fenris bc i love to suffer, so i worked the whole act 3 trying to get more aproval points and also wondering why are there no romance options when i talk to him... turns out that one night stand with isabela romanced her and canceled fenris. But i never even finished the romance with her so i’m just ??? about it all.

I wish it was more explained about the tattoos fenris has? I just thought the tattoos would play a big role somewhere in the game and it just never happened. There was a banter with Merrill about how his tattoos are similar to valaslin, so i thought, hmm, interesting, maybe the two are connected. But nah they just glow in the dark and make you pass through walls. Whatevs.

also dude just goes and kills without a second thought, i’m just “mate, you gotta calm down”. But that’s his thing. He’s constantly bitter and is very bad at anger management. I can’t blame him, considering he lacks around 10- 20 years of experience due to amnesia.

He’s the only one who left me when Hawke sided with mages, and i was like, “ok i getcha, it’s been nice knowing you”, but then when i asked him to join me 5 minutes later he just went “ok changed my mind” which was so funny, like, where did all that integrity dissappear??? It would have been more impactful if the dialogue went in the line of “i want to stand by my principals but you’re a living breathing proof that not all mages are weak to succumb to demons so i’ll join you in the end” (and then side-eye “i told you so” when orsino turns into a demon)

And i wanna read the fenris comic now bc my question for every character here is what is their fate after kirkwall. I only know that isabela & varric are working for alistair and merrill wants to help the alienage. Aveline is i guess either dismissed from her job or got a pass after cullen took  the command.  But Carver?? Fenris?? Anders?? They never talked about long term plans...

Anders

ooh boy, here we go. there are many questions i have for him and am generally just hmmmm. First, as for his pro-mage rights - it’s like opposite fenris so i just have the same feelings: you mean well, i don’t agree with your methods, your experiences define your worldview so i let some things slide, but other things i will not agree with. Though, question: in how many circles has Anders been? He knows the kirkwall circle, he knows the fereldan circle. Seeing he has excaped 7 times, did they send him to a different circle each time or was the fereldan the last one? or the first one? Or maybe it was his boyfriend they transferred? did i miss something?

I’ll just whisper: awakening!Anders >>> da2!Anders. I just miss the old anders. Which says a lot bc during the awakening i was just “shut up anders”. I miss his bad jokes, his terrible attempts at flirting, his enjoyment of freedom, nagging all the time, and generally being more moderate in pro-mage rights. Like, in awakening, because it was not the only thing he talked about, it felt more personal and intense. Here mage-rights are the only thing he ever talks about + justice. I mean, please correct me if i’m wrong, this was just general impression. But to defend da2!Anders here, it makes sense that merging with mixed both of their personality, and i like that they did that. It’s also very sad.

The thing is, when i’m thinking about anders, i love his story and character. Just as it’s terrible that Fenris, having no memory from before being Fenris, Anders can never go back to being just Anders. And this, people, is why you don’t fraternize with spirits. He’s obviously afraid of how justice is affecting him and there are some bare traces of his old personality and i guess he wouldn’t be as radical if he didn’t have justice personality that can’t stand the injustice. And in combination with anders quite selfish personality (form awakening, and i say that lovingly), it makes him do things that justice wouldn’t condone. Anders is literally a walking bomb.

Again, same problem as with fenris, i really thought that the justice glow would have a incredibly significant culmination, and it didn’t, it was just to show that anders and justice are very bitter. Eh, ok.

Also, i let anders join after he blew up the chantry, bc he started it, so might as well follow it through.

Some minor characters that i remember

Senechal Bran for the next Viscount! He hated hawke so much but still put up with him.

Feynriel is the coolest mage in Kirkwall. I think his missions were my favourite. Dude goes from “oh no i’m a mage” to “i will just dreamwalk to tevinter and learn control the reality” to “i dream-killed bad people from thousands of miles away”. Does he appear in the next game? I want him on my side. He’s so cool.

I think the Maker is sending Cullen signs to quit being a templar. First job: evil mages that tortured you. Instead of “this job will kill you” h took it as  a “never trusting mages again, got it”. Second job: your boss is evil possessed paranoid maniac. Man, talk about bad luck.

What is the story of the Lady Elegant?

Flemeth had that big great talk at the beginning of the game and i thought by the end of the game i’d realise what it meant, but nope, still no clue.

Ok so I defeated Corypheus, but there was this looong shot of Larius walking away. Corypheus possessed larius, didn’t he? He’s out there. In a madman’s body. I know he appears in inquisition.

Many thoughts

I gotta say, in Kirkwall, at least, it didn’t feel like much of a challenge to pick a side. Like, there was no mage who said “hey i actually really like it here in the circle, the templars aren’t so bad”, and having templars actually smuggling mages from the circle says a lot to say the least. Every time a mage talks to you, unless you go with “oh they’re 100% lying”, their stories invoke sympathy and of course you want to help them. And then in 99% cases they turn to blood magic bc there was no other way. Except that dude who always hanged out with the wrong people, he only did blood magic to save Carver. But yeah, that turning to blood magic was like having Fenris side-eye me with an unspoken “i told you so” bc every mage, whether in desperation or hunger for power, will turn sooner or later into a demon. Regardless, blood magic was always in the act of desperation and self-defense. The only times where magic was actually evil was the slavers and the serial killer, who is a madman.

When i was reading the Enigma of Kirkwall, there was a part that talks of a blood-mage conspiracy and i was all, oh shit, there is a reason why templars are mean to mages! maybe the conspirators are framing innocent mages on blood magic crimes that they actually commit, maybe Meredith is actually on trail of the conspirators, maybe there is a reason for animosity on both sides. After all, Kirkwall was known for having a bigger number of apostates, a bigger number of blood magic cases and far more ruthless templars. It added up.Thinking back now, i never even got any specific reason why meredith was so intensely anti-mage, other than going mad.

But yeah, no conspirators. Just sad mages and mean templars, and good templars that get screwed by desperate and mean mages.

While in Kirkwall it’s easy to be a pro-mage, i was thinking a lot about mage-rights in general so let me indulge myself: there are circles, but the mages aren’t oppressed. Rather, the circles would be educational centres and society in every larger city where one learns how to properly handle magic bc magic is dangerous. You can leave when you pass the final exam and also come back anytime to hang out with mages who decide to live there since the institution would support mages.

Also, when one gets possessed, i’d invest more into “walk into their head and free them of demons” specialists. It’d be cool if you could have a dreamer who does that bc no lyrium spent. Honestly, why don’t they ever do that? How did the keeper do that rite for Feynriel? Was it blood magic?

I guess, you’d still have to answer for your crimes, tho no death punishment and degradation allowed. Blood magic wouldn’t be punishable by death, but rather have specialists who study it, but practice with extreme caution and use of another person’s blood is strictly prohibited.

Templars would still exist but completely reformed. No more “mages are all potential disasters”, but i’d rather make it that mages can too be templars, since they both have abilities that prevents the others from casting magic. This way the control system would be much like the dalish: if the keeper(mage) is possessed, the clan (which means the non-mages and the first(mage)) need to kill them. You could argue that you don’t need templars as non-mages, since mages can do it too, but seeing that in general people fear magic and feel inferior to it (since there’s a collective memory of the great tevinter imperium), having non-magic specialists would make them feel like on equal ground. The extra-reformed templars would be under Circle, not under direct command of the chantry, and circle, depending of whether chantry is reformed, might or might not be under chantry.

(a side note, i was thinking about templars recently and i can’t recall an instance where it says who had the clever idea to chew lyrium first? i just wanna know)

I know that DA2 wasn’t about grey wardens and therefore not about darkspawn, but seeing as in legacy we get corypheus being... an evil version of the Architect(??), i was only wondering do we get more answers about the darkspawn? is there hope for them? is the Architect still alive?

And oh, to turn to the Anders question:

Is he a terrorist, or was that just activism? I mean, i don’t see why those two can’t go together. blasting a building with a symbolic significance killing and harming many innocent people to get a message of your radical activism across belongs into a schoolbook of terrorism. Does he have a good cause? He sure believes so, and i, too, agree that mages should not be oppressed for just being mages. But does that mean this is the right way to do it? Personally, i do not condone any act of violence in service of a political or religious cause. I know it’s sometimes inevitable, but i like to believe there are more diplomatic ways, or at least not including an attack on civilians.

That aside, the moment where anders goes in front and just announces that the church was gonna blow up in a minute was the best anders moment for me. Until that point i more or less just viewed his activism as a hobby since he just did it in his free time, but now he put his money where his mouth is and freaking went all out. Cool character moment. And incredibly heartwrenching. He was aware of how many innocents he killed, but just didn’t see other way to get the point across.

I still don’t agree with his idea of blowing up the church tho. Maybe if he told Hawke, they could have done something to empty the church previously and further people away from it and then blow it up?

But still, blowing up religious buildings isn’t the answer. If i was the radical mage activist, i would have gone for the open assassination. Seeing it worked in WW1, i don’t see why it couldn’t start a fantasy war.

Some random things i liked:

uniportant but lovable interractions in the house: it starts innocently with gamlen’s house, to see how you’re doing, and becomes really fun during act 2 when you see your friends have been here and left you things. In act 3, however, it feels melancholic. no more family to come back to, just ghosts of friends that have visited, Bodahn and Sandal being there for you, Orana still not getting some sunlight and your dog at the fireplace. The Hawke Family Suite is playing, and you feel older than you are, lonlier than you should be. just... ouch. I hope Bodahn adopted Orana and took her out of Kirkwall :(

t i named the dog “Maker” which is very funny to me bc every time i summon the dog i just imagine Hawke yelling “Maker help us”. Carver hates the name bc he needs to chase the dog often in the streets. Mama Hawke never ever calls the dog Maker, but she never has to call the dog anything: he’s super obedient towards her.

Fighting wasn’t as hard as in origins, i like that.

The haunted house mission was so cool.

When random people greet aveline in Hightown.

And that’s i think about it. There are probably plenty more things i loved, but i think this is already enough. if somebody told me i’d be playing so much this year, i’d laugh, but I already want to play the next game ;;___;;

[jojoreadwhat]

I should've asked you to stay, begged you to stay | b.h. x fem!reader

a/n; meant to have this out last night before the ball drop but ya know. Anywho, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! love you all so much and I wish nothing but the greatest for all in 2020. I hope you enjoy this piece. x

prompt; the ghost of New Year’s Eve past makes a unexpected visit, let’s call it a New Years resolution that should’ve been stuck to.

mentions; joe mazzello, rami malek and lucy boynton.

words; 2.6k

this tale includes angst, flashbacks, sexual tension which will lead to unprotected bathroom sex, blow/hand job, fingering and Voyeurism (mirror sex)

inspiration;

The moment you heard the guys of your group, cheer on Ben’s arrival to the party. You thought you were dreaming.

You knew it couldn’t have been who you thought it was, there was absolutely no way. The last time you glanced at any headlines on the internet or Joe would sly and bring it up in conversations. He was supposedly away on press duties.

“Benny Benny Ben-nayyy!” Joe sang, rising from his spot across from you.

“Ay, there mate!” Ben replied.

His familiar voice, drenched with rasp, laced in a thick English accent, froze every particle of you. Silencing everything in your mind before hearing the light smacks ricochet from their hearty hug.

Ben and you had quite the history. The two of you met both being friends with Joe and him introducing you while filling in as a date for Joe. It was like love at first sight, an immediate connection the moment you two learned each other’s name. You were on for nearly a year, even ringing in the last one together. But things got complicated when Ben brought up an upcoming project and the length time apart with it. At first it was a mutual understanding... until tabloids stated otherwise.

Your eyes followed in the direction where the rowdy boys stood.

Ben’s green eyes were already fixated on you when they met your own. “Hey Y/N.” He greeted first, returning with a weak smile as you closed your blazer, tighter to your chest.

It pained you that not only his presence was nauseating, but that he still looked amazing as always. The way his grey button down clung to his broad chest and biceps, tucked swiftly into his brown trousers.

His blonde little locks wavy at the top of his head, green eyes still one of the things you noticed at first glance. So potent and inviting. Lips rosy and perfectly plump, with a jawline that could cut through smoke. Everything about him where he stood, made your stomach turn into knots, ready to burst in mixed feelings.

Pulling you away from your thoughts, Lucy, who had been sitting next to you, locked arms with yours. “Let’s go refresh our drinks, love.” Helping you to your feet before you squeezed your way through the crowd.

“Did you know?!” She asked as you at the bar, waiting to flag down an available.

You shook your head, “If I knew I wouldn’t have shown up.”

It was true, to be honest, you were regretting ever leaving your couch when you stepped foot into this place. This wasn’t your scene, you were no party girl and this was just only making matters worse.

Lucy smiled, toothlessly with sympathy. Grabbing your hand in hers. “Well, I’m glad your here and I’m not going to let that blonde bloke ruin that for you!” Squeezing your hand lightly.

You smiled at her optimism, pulling her into a quick hug. Not knowing where to begin with how much appreciation you had for her, “thank you, doll!” You muttered, pulling away with a light grasp of her arms, holding her close.

“Just remind me to kick Joe’s ass at brunch tomorrow.” Leaving Lucy in stitches, “No worries!” She rested assured

“Now, let’s get drunk!” She announced, then. Flagging the bartender taking forever, “We’re gonna have a blast!”

+

To your benefit, the night wasn’t a complete drag after all. Your mind fled from any rut it was in hours ago. Getting lost in fresh rounds and conversation. Finding yourself occasionally up and dancing with Lucy every few songs. Laughing so much that your cheeks hurt and getting anxious at every hour growing closer to midnight, not wanting the night to end.

Even though Joe was going to hear a piece of your mind tomorrow about the guest list. You couldn’t help but give him credit with how much he outdid himself, throwing this New Year’s Eve extravaganza.

The place was dazzled in neon colors cascading throughout. Party streamers hanging from every inch of the ceiling. Noises from the celebration favors on each table or lounge from chairs. Games were being played, the DJ was turning up all good jams from college days. While the place reeked of smoke and mixed alcohol accompanying the unbelievably, packed beyond capacity amounts of bodies. Just walls and corners aligned with strangers, ready to ring in the new decade of 2020.

Taking the last sip of your drink, you announced to Lucy and Rami in conversation that you were heading for a refresher.

Bouncing to your feet and heading for the bar. Squeezing past bodies again.

“Gin and tonic.” You requested once you got the bartender’s attention. “make that two.” Ben added behind you before filling in the space next to you.

He looked at you, first. You smiled softly, grasping the opening of your black blazer that went along with your black sparkly body con. Waiting as patiently on the drinks as you could in the unbearable silence between you two.

It was taking everything in you to not want to make a scene with all the unanswered questions you had bottled up. To turn and lash out at him, blame him for everything he put you through with the headlines and news haunting the past year. But Lucy’s words stuck to you like glue, you were going to get drunk and have a great night. End of story.

“You look good.” He broke, glancing down at his hands, not sure what to expect as he took a chance. “Thanks.” You replied.

Staring down as you rocked on your feet in wait. Falling into a silence again. From the corner of your eye, Ben straightened out his posture as he took out a deep breath.

“Look I’m S-“ his words were cut off mid sentence the second you raised your hand to stop him. You turned, looking at him now, not even knowing what to say but you knew you didn’t want to hear anything right now.

Thankfully, one of your drinks had gotten done in the nick of time. Clasping it between your fingers as you placed a crisp tip onto the bar.

Ben lips were agape momentarily before they closed, “let’s just enjoy the night, alright?” beginning to turn on your heel when he grabbed a hold of your wrist, bringing your attention back to him.

“I want to enjoy the night with you.” he said, “I’m sorry for what I did. I should’ve had more faith in us, but I was scared; of us, of what it was going to do with us. I didn’t want to put you through that.”

You were taken back by what he was blurting out, each word. You only heard them in the webs of your dreams when all you could think about was him, having him back in your arms again. A sudden reminder took you away from those fairytale thoughts, knowing damn well that they were the words you wanted to hear but none of them were true.

“So, putting me through hearing about you date co-stars, having lavish vacations with a new woman for every day of the week and making red carpet debuts... you wanted to put me through that?”

Ben seen the hurt in your face with each sentence you stated. You admitting that you were keeping an eye, even with no contact for the past year gave him hope that you still cared what you once had. But hurting you was never his intent. Especially when everything falling from your pretty lips was far from the truth.

“None of that is true. I haven’t had anyone since you.” Assuring, “You should know that!” you rolled your eyes before you brought them back to Ben. “Yeah, okay. And my real name is stupid. C’mon Ben.”

“But it’s the truth! I didn’t, I’ll admit that I tried. No one could come close to you, make me feel like I once did.” Ben took your drink, placing it on the bar, intertwining your tiny hands in his large ones.

“Like I still do. I came back for you, Joe told me you were here when I told him I was on your front step.”

Your brows rose in bewilderment, “You were looking for me?” you questioned, your eyes searching every speck of his, he closed them, nodding in response.

“I should’ve never let you walk out that door.”

You were in utter shock from the moment the conversation began. Before you could process any of it, you turned on your heel again but this time with Ben in hand as you pushed your way through the crowd.

+

In an instant, Ben had you pressed up against the door, crashing his lips upon yours. Fighting tongues, frantically. You wrapped your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss and needing of each other.

Ben’s hands were everywhere on you, his pouty lips in pursuit shortly, trailing down your cheek, against your jaw and down your neck. You whimpered at the warmth of them, never forgetting the spots that drove you mad as you melted within his grip.

“I missed you so much.” He muttered, climbing back up you with his lips as they eclipsed yours again.

Grinding harshly, you gasped as he pressed you flushed against the door, feeling his growing member at your clothed heat.

It encouraged you, pulling away from his lips, leaving him chase them, wanting more. You placed your hands on his chest, pushing him back towards the sink. His hands meeting the marble, keeping himself steady while you attacked his lips again, letting them begin a journey.

He sighed, pleasantly, the moment your lips met his neck and down to his exposed collarbone, peeking from the three buttons undone on his shirt. Your fingers worked the others open, pushing back the fabric off his shoulders, landing at his wrists. Trailing wet kisses down his chest and torso, Ben sneaked his fingers through your hair as yourself, dropping to your knees.

Your eyes never left his green ones as you peppered kisses over his trousers, soon buttoning them. Ben let out a soft moan from the release of pressure, so heavenly to your ears while watched you pull them down. The cheeky blonde had no briefs on, his vast cock springing free in front of you and against his abdomen. You grabbed it immediately, Ben’s breath hitched as you began to slowly pump your hand, base to tip, swiping over his slit and collecting up precum with your thumb, lubing him up.

Ben moaned loudly, “Baby please” he cried, and lowered yourself to his shaft. Taking him in.

You flicked your tongue around his tip, before you started to bob your mouth around his cock. Cheeks hollowed as you took him slow, building up, “F-fuck, you feel so good!” Groaning above you, his hand running through your hair moving strands from your face as your eyes met his. Staying steady at the back of your head, emboldening you to pick up speed.

Sucking harder, your hand running along the shaft you couldn’t cover. Ben’s groans and moans, ricocheted off the walls of the beat up bathroom. “I missed your mouth.” Practically heaving every word from his lips.

You moaned at the sight above, watching him close his eyes, throwing his head back while bucking his hips, your eyes trickled with a tear gagging a bit.

“I’m so close, y/n. Stop baby.” He groaned, watching you again. “Please stop, please please” he begged, not ready to release yet. You pulled off of him with a ‘pop’ of your lips. A sight for sore eyes for Ben, as his hands cupped your face, bringing you up to him again in a hungry kiss.

The kiss had you rotating, feeling the sink against your bum. “I’m gonna make you feel so good, love.” Ben purred between each kiss, his strong hands, so delicately, clasped around your face, lifting it to give him complete access to your neck.

Soon Ben turned you around, facing the mirror. Your hands resting on the sink, his hands slipping the straps of your dress off, pulling it down and your breasts fleeing. You watched as he seen the pretty sight in the mirror in front of him.

“You’re so beautiful.” His lips trailed along your shoulder, nipping the exposed skin and leaving you gasp at the feeling.

His hands coming up from your waist, cupping your breasts, kneading them. You arched your back, pressing your ass against him.

“Please touch me” you groaned, Ben complied with your plea, one hand leaving your breasts and heading towards your heat. Slipping under the waist band of your panties. “Oh love.” His fingers making past your mound and to your folds, slipping inside. “You’re soaked.”

Ben had you a moaning mess when he found your clit. Slow, tight circles against you, his lips vibrating against your ear as he spoke. “Look at you, so gorgeous.”

“Are you ready for me, baby?” He asked, his fingers teasing your entrance. “Y-yes. Please!”

He pulled your panties down, spreading your legs while pressing your front further into the sink. A firm hold around your body,grabbing his shaft in hand, pumping himself a few times. Before he aligned himself at your entrance from behind.

You whimpered softly at the feeling of his tip graze where you needed him most, biting your lip in anticipation but how fast your lip fell at him slowly making entry of your heat. Filling you up little by little, but so good. Stretching you out, generously. Ben carefully moved a bit, watching every facial expression of your through the mirror. Allowing you to adjust.

“Move, Ben.” Following into a moan and he nodded, picking up just a bit until an array of moans and groans gave him more to go by.

His hands all over you as he thrusted into you. You couldn't count how many kisses he had given you. How the mixing paces of fast, slow, hard, soft drove you fucking insane. You weren't even moaning anymore, you screaming in delight of how good he made you feel. How you swooned when he groaned, his teeth inviting themselves in a smile or along your shoulder. You were so immersed in how well your bodies work with one another, how you loved and were making up for lost time, so thoroughly and utterly.

You were so close to your climax, “I’m so close!” You cried. Your walls clutching ever so tightly around Ben who was nearing too. Seeing as his brows furrowed slightly from time to time through the mirror. You felt the heat rising quickly, engulfing from your curled toes to your belly.

Without pressing a warning, you cried out in absolute pleasure. Your back arching, your bum close to him as you hit your peak. The lights faded out. The sounds of breathless moans between the both of you as Ben met his too. He held you so close as you trembled and bringing his face close to yours, kissing him as he came, groaning loudly and twitched inside you. Coating your walls.

So fucked out, you both became limp with only yourselves and the sink helping you keep steady. Ben released himself from you, spinning you around to face him. He cupped your face eagerly in his hands, devouring your lips and peppering kisses all over your face.

Your arms wrapped around his bare body. Calming down with racing, restless hearts in each other’s embrace. Enjoying the sounds of your euphoric comedown before smiling at the sounds, colliding from outside the door.

“3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!”

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[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

20. Sink

Word Count: 3989 Trigger warnings for religion and mentions of child pornography

Previous

Lord, if it’s you,” (Simon) Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then (Simon) Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Matthew 14:28-30

Simon had never been very religious. Scratch that… Simon had never been very mystical about religion. Whenever he was younger, his family went to church and he was quite studious and learned a lot in that time period. His father still believed in God and country or whatever and his grandmother, he imagined was praying over his mom every single day. But, he had never really known what it felt like to have that kind of faith in anyone or anything… until he was given Grace. It wasn’t lost on him the religious implications of being a boy named Simon (like Simon Peter, aka The Apostle Peter - huge name in the Bible world) being granted a savior, being blessed with Grace after a terrible sin, whether intentional or not, of killing Hope… His mind was in a daze right now. 

It was the fourth religious dream he had since that interview, and in this one, he was Simon Peter, calling to his Savior in the storm. Grace was just across the water. All he had to do was get to her and she would rescue him from all of this, just like she always used to. But, he looked at the impending storm, instead. He had Grace, but he was focused on the storm, and he sank… He jumped up from his sleep and literally felt like he had been drowning. Ugh. 10 years of church and 4 years of private school could definitely mess with one’s mind. Then again, so could 6 years of Grace and 5 years without it… her… 

He had begun to try to stop rationalizing that she wasn’t human. Unfortunately for him, before he considered her the void, she hadn’t been human for him either, then. She had been a deity. He worshipped her. She had been a vessel to save him, to help him, to comfort him. She had been what he built his faith system upon, his religion, his Apex, his lifestyle… Then, she was gone and he tried to continue without her. He tried to rebuild in his own image, in his own name. He tried to walk on water, as he had seen her do, now all he was doing was sinking…

In the aftermath of the interview, Simon noted that his faithful followers went on one of their ravenous attacks in Shana’s comment sections. She could even just post a photo of herself in the newsroom at Spelman as an inspirational post and they appeared in her comments to berate her for speaking about inspiration when she would attack an abuse survivor and have his abuser on her show, trying to make her sympathetic. Shana seemed entertained for some of the comments, replying things like a simple “K” or “Lol” and never addressing the person again, even if they supplied a melee of character attacks at her.

But, on the video link, whenever people started also attacking Grace’s fakeness and the fact that she still gets to abuse Simon indirectly by doing things like this, Shana had enough. She let them know that she had no regrets about the interview with Grace, no regrets about anything that she said about Simon, and none about all of her opinions of him. “Even if he’s a different person today, considering that he never got any backlash for the sex tape from high school, which i firmly STILL believe that he should be held accountable for, which I am convinced that he leaked, and I think that if he’s truly changed, he would have wanted to make that right at some point and free Grace from the uninvited attacks for that CRIME AGAINST HER, committed by him.”

There was an explosion of mixed reactions. Everything from, “This is the first that I’m hearing of this” to “Simon would never have done anything like that to Grace” to “WHERE CAN I FIND A SEX TAPE OF SIMON AND GRACE???” Many people were blocked. Many people were rocked, as Shana went live to address the massive amount of comments coming from her spilling that tea.

She made mention of the facts that while the statute of limitations of revenge porn had been exceeded, they didn’t exist for child porn. “And in case anybody is confused, yes, I am including links to inform you about how what he did is in fact child pornography creation, possession, and distribution, AND what the law says concerning them.” After replying to many of the comments, mostly in an amused fashion, she got bored. 

“Listen, I’m getting ready to go chill with my lady and get ready for class tomorrow, but I’ll just say this one more thing, “I’m not taking my foot off of Simon Laurent’s neck. As long as Grace has had to suffer in silence, because she’s no longer the vengeful type or whatever, she’s on right now in her journey, the journalist in me and the enraged victim in me will always come for Simon and the way he used the privilege that he did have - not to say that he didn’t lack in certain areas like money and common decency, but the ones he DID have - his race, his gender, his orientation, his proximity to education, etc, in order to vilify and humble this girl with false accusations of crimes, and get away with unconfessed crimes. Yeah, this IS about my Sassy Strawberry keychain, Simon you bitch! I know you watching. To those of you who can’t be bothered to use your Googles, I don’t know what to tell you, kinfolk. Shady Shana has said all that she needs to say for now. Tata, from the perfect place for shade.”

Then her accusations, the search for the information of said accusations and the buzz from back then resurfacing went even more viral than the things that he had said about Grace whenever he reached notoriety from the stories. Now that the Internet and social media were even bigger and just kept growing with time, Grace still being a huge public persona, despite the few short years that she wasn’t online and the time she had been inside, she made an explosive comeback at least as an Internet personality, and Simon was never as frequent online as he was a short time in the eye of the public to get himself established, but several professors had used his story for various seminars and lectures, his books did pretty well, and he was a very established young mind in his academic circles… So, he was a big deal in his world, but on the grand scale becoming infamous for this new attention. 

Shana and Grace’s worlds were very large, and both of those were combining to infiltrate his world with these not necessarily new pieces of information, but things that he thought would have been forgotten or left alone. He had not even considered that Shana would ever… Like… why was SHE so damn upset? Because of a small scuffle? Because of somebody else’s alleged injustice? Somebody that she didn’t even LIKE for most of her life? “Journalist” she was a shit-stirrer! All of her muckraking was making things complicated for simple Simon. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like dreaming about Grace as his savior. He didn’t like the idea of reaching out to her to get her to grab her dog. He didn’t like that he was suffering from nights more sleepless than usual and beginning to become counterproductive in his work.

Worrying about ramifications of the words “child pornography” and “sexual predator” being tossed about in conversations with his name led to nightmares, paranoia, guilt, intrusive thoughts, and mistakes in class and at work. One of them turned out big…

Amelia came up to him in her lab, with her arms folded and her face stern, “Is there anything you think we should discuss, Mr. Laurent?” He frowned and glanced her way, still working on the formula for the next tests in the prosthetics serum they were spending time discussing as one of his potential next big things. She raised her eyebrows and asked, “Not even an acknowledgment of what I’m speaking of?”

“I know what you’re speaking of and I decided that no, we don’t need to discuss it. It’s a personal matter.”

“A personal matter? Simon, you are supposed to be seeing a counsellor once a week, and now I find out that not only did he recommend that you see him twice a week, but that you haven’t seen him in several weeks! It is part of your ability to stay here, and I don’t appreciate that you’ve ducked out on this requirement, especially considering the personal matter you’re referring to.” 

He furrowed his eyebrows and set down his supplies. “This is about the shrink? I haven’t been able to see the guy, because I’ve been working on the new formula nonstop. I need a breakthrough, and if I can get the formula right for enhancing the prosthetics, I’ll be famous for that. I’ll be closer to the goal of enriching artificial organs, maybe even organic ones!”

“I know what this work would mean if successful. That isn’t the point. The point is that you are not allowed to be here without the help that you need and you agreed to. I’m going to have to speak to the committee, now that I know you haven’t been…” She turned and he caught her wrist really hard. The woman jerked away. She was stronger than he thought.

“Amelia… Please. I need this. People are out to get me. Out to destroy everything that I’ve built for myself, without parents, without love, without an inheritance. I got here on my own merit, my own mind! I can’t have it be the thing that gets me sent away.”

“You needed to consider that after we gave you another chance! We can’t keep going back and forth with you while you refuse to take the help that you need in order to get to your next rung!” She was loud. He felt like she was yelling at him. He didn’t like people yelling at him, especially women, especially older ones… It made him extremely angry and he yelled right back at her, only to find that she either hadn’t been yelling or she had an even louder yelling setting.

“I’M DOING MY GODDAMN BEST!”

“MAYBE YOUR BEST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!”

And in addition to the yelling, the thing yelled was extremely hurtful. But, Simon was an angry hurt type. So, he was hurt, but it manifested in anger, “LIKE YOURS WASN’T! YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I CAN BE A BETTER YOU!” She laughed. That made him even angrier. “ADMIT IT! YOU’RE SO HARD ON ME BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN YOU!”

“Simon, you’re a child. A foolish, often incorrect child. There are many things that I credit as better than me. You aren’t one of them.” He was breathing hard and clenching his fists. “I advise you to immediately set an appointment with your therapist and I demand that you leave the lab at once. At the very least, you need to take a break. At worse… you broke our agreement, Simon.” She began to touch his research, to put everything away, as he stormed out, trying not to let her see him cry and trying not to explode in the lab and further mess things up for himself. He didn’t get far before there was a different explosion in there. Not an extremely loud one, but loud enough that he turned around as others rushed in. 

Simon got on the phone, calling the last counselor that he had spoken to as everyone else scurried about trying to get help and rushing in various directions. “She was just arguing with Laurent, he rushed out and then this happened,” he heard someone say and he watched the three students who had been talking stop and look right at him.  “Are you calling 911?” One of them asked. He shook his head, because he hadn’t been. Once again, it wasn’t his first thought when he witnessed an emergency. One of them grabbed their phone out, presumably to do so and he… left. He probably should have stayed, but he couldn’t breathe and needed some space and needed to rage.

.

It didn’t take others long to start whispering. Simon had found a dumpster to kick for a while before returning to the scene and seeing them rushing Amelia into an ambulance. Police were there and wanted to talk with him. He knew that people would talk. They had been talking. He also knew that sometimes he imagined that people were talking more than they actually were and he hoped that perhaps, this would be one of those times that he imagined the criticism. It was not.

On top of the internet’s allegations of child pornography, learning that the state of California might be investigating these allegations, for the Monroe Estate, and being questioned about his chemical engineering “mistake” with the formula that became unstable as Professor Hughes attempted to put it away… 

Simon was whatever the opposite of numb was. He felt all things, everything, anything, all at once and at a peak. He hadn’t felt this way in a really long time and the only times he had, he had Grace to think of and settle him. After that, he had his own greatness to reflect upon… but that was slipping away from him and Grace had slipped away… No… He had shoved her away, and he needed her so much right now. Because he didn’t know if he could pull himself up from sinking. “Lord save me!” He heard himself yelling from the water in the storm… But Grace couldn’t hear him. She was too far away, and she wasn’t his savior anymore. He looked up for something to latch onto, but all there was, was the Void.

Its big black, form, with an aura of fluid black smoke, and hovered over him and charged at him, its face stopping just short of his own and he looked up to see it. It was nothing but a pale mask, much like one of the ones that Grace used to wear. Maybe… Maybe she was still inside of the void somewhere. Maybe she would rescue him after all. “Grace?” he called, “Is that you?” It had nothing in it’s face. No feeling, no warmth. There was no way that Grace was there. It had no reply. He blinked it away and looked at the police. They had just released him… so… something had saved him… for now. Probably just dumb luck, or lack of evidence. There had to be a lack of evidence, because he knew that he had done nothing wrong.

Despite having done nothing wrong, he had apparently made some type of mistake with the formula, but he figured it was more likely that Amelia had made some mistake in putting it away. It was too soon to voice that opinion. Students were upset, like she was some lovable figure. She was a bitch. He didn’t feel bad at all that she was hurt and he hoped that nobody expected him to act like he did. But, they were talking again. He felt like whenever he was a freshman at the academy and the staff and students didn’t appreciate him because they hadn’t seen his value yet… but these people knew him. He was important! He was significant now! He had done everything to become valuable and honored, including giving up Grace when she was holding him back! 

“Simon, it sounds like you’re just blaming everyone else for your problems again.”

“I’m only saying what happened. I matter, and they treat me like I don’t. They look at me like I’m a criminal. They’re handling me like I haven’t done great things! Like they haven’t heard of me or something! Who do they think they are?”

“To not value you? Maybe they’re just strangers, Simon. You’ve spoken to me a few times, and I don’t know you, either. That doesn’t take away from anything that you might have done, but it doesn’t give me the insight that you have of yourself. The same can be said about any of the people here,” the counsellor said. Simon resumed his meetings, but it was too little too late, as he was called back to the committee.

.

Grace was really just trying to enjoy her life. She only did the interview with Shana because Shana had REALLY come through in finding Hazel for her. She explained to the people keeping Hazel how she knew her and how she found her (not mentioning Shana’s name, but that she “hired an investigator”) mainly because she just wanted to see how Hazel was doing. The short answer was “not great,” but the long answer was Grace hated the fact that everyone that she talked to about Hazel didn’t seem to really know her or how to deal with her. That made her afraid that Hazel would continue to get bounced around, and eventually be lost to her again. After being approved as someone who could visit and spend time with Hazel (a longer process than she would have liked, and one that she knew could have been shortened if she just went crawling back to her parents), but one that was worth the work, because not only was she able to see Hazel and talk to her, but she also got her a phone, in case they were separated again and Hazel needed to reach out to her. 

The last thing that Grace wanted to do was be dragged into Simon’s situation. So, whenever people asked her about him, sent her messages, intruded into her comments, @ her in posts… she declined from responding. She made a statement on her linked social media accounts, reminding everyone that 1. She doesn’t speak about Simon. 2. She said everything that she intended to say to people outside of the situation to Shana in the interview. 3. She is not responsible for Shana’s feelings about the incident in question (the recording and sharing of the recording) 4. She has never spoken to anyone but Simon about the incident in question and doesn’t plan on going much more in depth with anybody about it any time soon. 

Whenever asked about the recording, since she did say in the statement that she had spoken with Simon about it, and it was presumed that meant that maybe they had made it together and it got leaked, as those things tend to do, she confirmed that she didn’t know anything about the recording until after everyone else had seen it, that she doesn’t like to think about it or that time in her life because it was one of her most embarrassing and painful experiences and she doesn’t want to have to relive it simply because people are curious about these details that don’t affect them one way or another…

People were relentless and dedicated to being in other people’s business. What about Simon? It affects Simon! Why aren’t you helping clear Simon’s name? Why are you still hurting Simon? What about affecting Simon? She’d punch every last one of these people in the mouth, just like she did Simon when she found out, if they were in front of her. Even, now, being  someone trying very hard to be peaceful and patient… “Simon already knows everything about that time that I would be able to say, so telling anyone else anything wouldn’t help him or me. If I was silent about it whenever it might have actually changed my trajectory in a favorable way, I’m certainly not going to begin going off about it now that I’ve been given another chance at a positive life, despite the things that caused me pain. Simon knows more than I do and more than you. Perhaps you should ask him, if you want someone who doesn’t seem to mind speaking about these subjects.”

That was what did it. Simon watched in a panic as former Apex members, arose to defend Grace and admit that during the time, Simon was open with certain people about having orchestrated the recording and using it to oust Grace from her throne. “We were mean kids, and I don’t know if we thought far ahead enough to really see what something like that could do to somebody. We all found it either funny or scary and weren’t brave enough to stand up for her back then, but Grace did nothing wrong and people should let her live her life instead of bringing this back up and hurting her again.” They basically all said some variation of that.

He became immediately notorious as #GraceDidNothingWrong began trending and multiple Apex members, former nonessentials, declared nulls, and actual victims of some of Simon’s direct attacks come forward, opening up about their experiences with Simon’s Apex, the Apex in general, including anecdotes, quotes, confessions, etc to further prove Simon’s guilt. To top it off Simon was put on academic probation as everything unfolded including the way he had been handling his psychiatric deal with the committee being unmet and the negligence that led to Professor Hughes’ accident. When he began losing various deals, gets major backlash for the accident, on top of the allegations of child pornography being investigated, he began to spiral as he considered possible charges from CA to MA. He deleted all of his social media accounts and shadow cyberstalked Grace, only to see that she really wasn’t participating in all of this.

He was SO CLOSE to his first Master’s degree. He couldn’t let all of this throw away his future! He was young and stupid and maybe he was wrong, but he wasn’t going to say that and he definitely didn’t feel like he deserved to be punished for it right now! 

He had been trying not to think about that interview, but the more he tried not to think about it, the more he obsessed over it - over her wondering how he was doing, over the potential for her to actually still care. It was so stupid. It was foolish. There was no way that she really felt like that, but all of his distraction had caused him to possibly make some type of stupid mistake. The police were investigating, but he was the main one working in the lab, so whatever happened was most likely due to some type of misstep on his part. He certainly had not rigged anything to explode in Professor Hughes’ face, like some seemed to be trying to suggest! 

The fact that they did not get along wasn’t very helpful to him. The argument right before it happened made it even more suspicious, and where they should have been able to speak with his psychiatrist to ensure that he was doing fine… he hadn’t been consistent with any long enough for them to know that he was doing fine… which brought attention back on him from the committee, which he guessed felt like he was jumping through loopholes in their deal. He saw the Void again, it's voice like a chorus of succubi singing, “I’ve come to take everything from you. It’s what you deserve.”

He rushed to the airport. He didn’t even have a place to stay. He rushed to the Monroe’s, snuck into their gate and beat on the door. It was 2 am, but he couldn’t wait. The Void was after him, and he NEEDED his Grace.

Next

[opes-magnas]

those two days.

A wise man once said, ”The bad news is, nothing lasts forever and the good news is, nothing lasts forever.”

That’s freaking bullshit. Whoever told that hasn’t gone through the amount of trauma I’ve been through, which made every single moment feel like an eternity. Oh wait! I should’ve explained it more graphically.

Every single second felt like I was being skinned alive and being rolled over in salt and then fried in burning hot oil, then my limbs being torn out of my body and I could probably go on forever. In short, my time as a mortal on this planet has been miserable.

My mother and father were the epitome of love, they were the ideal couple who fell in love as soon they laid eyes on each other and the middle of their story is so cliché I’d rather let you imagine it in the most typical way possible and the end of it is, they got married!

They sadly never had their happily ever after cause they then got pregnant with me.

(After 9 months of my mother craving weird things)

He kept pacing the length of the waiting room, anxious, his face was dripping with perspiration and his brows were knitted in deep thought, his hands were clasping and unclasping and fidgeting with his jacket.

* Piano playing a sad note*

He hears the OR doors opening and rushes towards the doctor and shakes that poor guy until he’s pale. The doctor says that there were a lot of complications with his wife’s pregnancy and that they could save only one of them, and his wife told them to save his child and that he now has a healthy 4.5 pound baby boy.

He fell to the ground. How could he even live without his beloved wife! His moon and stars, his better half! He felt so utterly devastated.

Sometimes when people lose the very thing that defines their life, the very thing that they lived and breathed for, they lose faith and when that happens there is no coming back.

I think this was that moment for my father. I’ve always wondered how anyone could love anything so intensely. But I guess love is a very elusive thing which sadly won’t fit into the bounds of words.

I can try to make sense of though, from what I’ve seen, love is when my father returned home after a tired day of work and as soon as he saw the face that opened the door, he could find calmness in spite of all the chaos surrounding him. One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I couldn’t see and feel that pure unconditional love.

Anyways, in my bittersweet flashback my father also gets to know that it was my mother’s intentional decision to give her life in order to save mine.

So, from that day my father loathed to see my face. As every time he looked at me, I reminded him of the day he lost the purpose of his life. He became an alcoholic and just gave me money to do whatever the hell I want with it.

I never actually went to school regularly, used to bunk most of the time. But that didn’t matter because I passed somehow by cheating and my street smartness. But, it really hit me when I flunked my senior year and all of my friends went to Ivy League colleges, while I was left to attend my dreadful senior year AGAIN with a bunch of crackpots.

Though, that wasn’t the part that made me lose my sense of self- dignity. It was when the look of nonchalance on my father’s face when he heard the former news. Even this far in life I didn’t have goal or any plans to look forward to. This part kept me most of the nights and stole any little peace of mind I had left.

Then I attended community college in hopes of at least getting proper education. In college, I couldn’t stick to any one major for a year as I was pretty fickle minded about it.

One sunny happy day, birds are chirping, I’m braying Beyoncé’s halo and enter the college premises to see this guy snogging my girlfriend. My fury knows no bounds as I beat the shit out of him then I get to know that my girlfriend had been cheating on me with him for many months. But, it was too late to reconsider my actions as I had probably broken 50 of his bones oops!

Then I got slapped an assault case and got expelled from college for disgracing them. This particular joke that I’m about to say is a big touché moment but humour at my expense has been a trend I’ve experienced everywhere so hell with it.

I got expelled from a freaking community college with drug addicts, goons, people who have flunked their freshman year about 3 times go to. And I have been expelled from such a college for “disgracing them”!!!

Go on laugh yourself out.

But a tiny ray of hope appeared after a jumbo combo of disappointment with a side of bad luck and a dollop of ugly fate. I was discovered by the basketball scouts and got a chance to play in the local league and if I did play well, I had a chance of playing ball in college! They absolutely loved me. I had gotten so used to people being disappointed in me that I was so unsure of myself when people really appreciated me.

But as you know of my series fuck ups I had to screw this one too. But, this one was the most epic of them all. I had a few shots in before the game just to you know, bring that edge.

During the game, when I was passed the ball, my drunken brain thought it was the head of my ex-girlfriend and I started smashing the ball against my head (which my brain thinks as a pathetic attempt of kissing “her” or rather “it”). So, at the end, everyone thought I was some lunatic and I got kicked off the field (literally).

I finally let go of all the little self-respect I had and applied for a job as a cashier at McDonalds. And the reply from them was the single most embarrassing moment of my life.

I got rejected!

Then I heard a call saying that my grandpa had died but he had also left me the family mansion, which I assume is out of pity for being ignored for most of my life. This was just in time (not my grandpa’s death of course! Gee I’m not so devoid of emotion!) as I was being kicked out of my apartment due to not paying rent for past 3 months and needed a place to crash.

But, aside from that I was a 23 year old man with no job, no girlfriend, and no degrees to show for, no friends and absolutely broke. I should be the poster boy for the word “miserable” (at least that way I’ll make some profit out of my pathetic existence of a life).

The mansion looks absolutely beautiful from outside. It has a huge dome at the centre with 2 parapets flanking its either sides. The entire dome is made of tinted blue glass which makes it look like it’s a part of the sky but a glistening one filled with hand painted butterflies, hummingbirds, Macau’s and various other exotic species of birds.

The front lawn is as exorbitant as a rare and secret meadow left untouched by mankind, where the flowers unknown grow at their own liberty, unrestricted where bees hover over them making a slight buzzing sound . The whole estate looks so unreal and glorious, it is like a medieval castle left untouched.

But, all I could feel by looking at it was dejection. I felt even this wonderful piece of architecture was looming over and looking at me in pity. I sighed heavily and gathered my meagre possessions and stepped inside.

It was even more splendid from the inside. I don’t know what I’ll do with so much space, I could fit all of my things in the pantry closet! I just lay down on the plush divan to take a small nap because thinking about my wretched life made my mind blackout and heavy like I’d had a few too many tequila shots.

“Poor boy, how can anyone’s life be so tragic and pitiable!?” said pride, wiping off the tears rolling down its cheek, “I know what a troubled childhood feels like, even my mother was too haughty to admit that she had become too fat because of giving birth to me and she never looked at me with a hint of motherly affection, it totally damaged my self-confidence.”

“As if you ever had it to begin with! You appeared to be so full of yourself in front of people but deep down you’re a pathetic little wimp!”

“Stop it envy! See, you made him cry, aren’t you living up to your name! Always jealous of others! I know it’s like we can invade his privacy, by taking a peek at his thoughts, but this boy can’t even defend himself. He doesn’t get angry at all when people talk all sorts of things about him! How can he even live with himself!”

“Now now, anger you don’t upset yourself too much, your BP is gonna skyrocket. All this boy needs to do is to get laid man! He so uptight, he needs to loosen up a little and take a chill pill.”

“I totally agree with you, said Sloth, he needs to take some time out for himself and have a little self’-introspective nap once in a while right, Glutton?”

“All you ever do is take naps! And anyways he needs to round up and appear fuller, he’s such a scrawny kid! Eat more spaghetti and meatballs!”

“You’re awfully quiet Greed, speak up man this isn’t like you! You’re always complaining that you don’t as much time to speak”.

“Yeah dude, it’s just I’ve never seen any man not having even basic survivalist desires. We gotta help this fella.”

“Okay then roll up your sleeves gentlemen and ugh *cough* cough* sorry woman, we got some work to do!”

I opened my eyes and nearly peed myself in the pants, in front of me were six men and woman, I screamed like a cat dunked in a bucket of water!

“Hey Yo mate, chill down, we’re just here to help”, said a boy who was in his teens clearly by the amount of acne on his face and the ripped jeans and hoodie he wore further justified my guess, he wore a badge called “sloth”

What a weird name, I thought. Who would like to be named after the sloth bear!

“Yo, for the fact the sloth bear was named after me!”

“Now, sloth you need to follow your own words, the boy must be scared shitless. By the way, I’m Greed, nice to meet you too and that rude fellow was Sloth.”, spoke a middle aged man with a rather baggy shirt and tight jeans.

“Guys let’s introduce ourselves to make it easier for him. Hello young fellow, I’m Glutton!”, said a shirtless man whose abs glistened with sweat as though he’d come from a workout.

“Hello kitten, I’m Anger.”, said a strikingly beautiful woman with a purple dress synched at the waist with a Gucci belt and black stilettos.

“Greetings from the better part of hell dear, I’m Envy.”, said a man with a formal attire and red horn-rimmed glasses.

“Morning, I’m Pride.”, said a tall man wearing an expensive Armani suit, reebok sunglasses and slick blonde hair.

“Hi, I’m Lust.” ,he whispered, God he must be the male-version of Aphrodite! He was enough to turn a straight man like me, gay.

(I gave such detailed description of them, as they keep recurring and I wanted you guys to see them exactly like I did.)

“Umm. Hi, I’m max I guess.”, I blurted.

“God! We need to work on your self-confidence boy! Okay I’ll tell you why we’re here. While you were napping, we looked into your past and thought you might need a little boost to help you live a better life. So, each of us will help you in their own area of expertise and ooh! I almost forgot we are here only for two days, so buckle up!”

Have become schizophrenic?! I am hearing voices in my head!

“Relax honey, we are visible and audible only to you.”, Anger said.

“Humph okay, what should I do to get rid of you lot?”

Quit the sarcasm brother, first we need to get a good workout. Come on move your ass, and Glutton then pulled me away for what seemed like forever and made me workout like hell. The workout was so intense, I was so sore I couldn’t move a muscle and every time I got up my butt ached.

But, when I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe my eyes, my body looked like it was photo shopped! Six pack abs, killer thighs, amazing collar bone and to top it off a chiseled jaw! I looked like a Greek God!

Then, without wasting a minute, Sloth whisked me into the kitchen which was filled with amazing food and magazines. He told me, “You know what mate, you need to take some time out for yourself and make yourself happy once in a while.”

I never forgot those words.

I ate to my stomach’s fill, of course only healthy foods allowed (Glutton approved- check). Then my slot was with Anger.

We took a walk and were talking everyday stuff when she pulled me into a McDonald’s. I resisted as I had just eaten the feast of my life, but she insisted and made me sit down in a booth.

“Sometimes anger in the right direction is okay.”

Then a waiter came and asked for our order, before we could even blink an eye, he started bellowing out like a cow belching and started telling people that I was the specimen of a man who got rejected even from a McDonald’s job and thought a ball was his ex-girlfriend!

People around me started taking selfies and snaps of me and posting it on social media.

Anger whispered, “You need to defend your honour, sugar. No one is going to do it for you.”

I mustered all the courage I had left in me and punched that guy in his face. I pulled Anger away and we made for the run.

After the running all the way to house, I told her, “I never felt so exhilarated and satisfied in my entire life!”

“But, remember kitten, anger only in the right direction and for the right cause, like you defending your honour for example.”

Will remember, Ms. Anger.

Then Pride and Greed approached me together and took me into my room and gave my laptop.

“Listen son, you are quite capable and intelligent, all you need is to believe in yourself a little more and go after the things you want.” , Pride said. “So you need to write an essay to get into Ivy League colleges with full scholarship, so begin writing.”

I bit my lip. Just believe in yourself.

Then I wrote my essay by pulling an all-nighter and submitted it.

I could feel someone shaking me hardly, I rubbed my eyes and opened them reluctantly only to see Greed pulling off my blankets and telling me to get ready for a small basketball session.

We then drove over to the Baltimore city gym, I then realized he had brought me to the basketball try-outs for the city’s team!

Believe in yourself.

After almost half a day, we returned home then Lust dragged me into various clothing stores and dressed me up and told me to remember one girl who had impacted me the most.

Then, I thought how I could miss the one girl who stood with me through thick and thin! She never doubted me! Suddenly I could remember all the subtle hints she gave throughout the time we were friends, and I, a fool, never paid her enough attention, trying to go after girls who were popular!

Oh Sarah! Then I saw the smirk on Lust’s face and knew he was the one who helped me clear my thoughts.

He murmured, “Go! You moron.”

I rushed to my car and drove to Sarah’s house and almost punched a hole into her front door trying to knock.

The door opened, and when I saw her face, I found calm in midst of all chaos of my mind, guess I finally got to see the true love I always yearned for.

I gave her my true confession with gulps in between.

She told, “I thought you’d never realize.”

I pulled her waist close to me, and whispered in her ear, “Better late than never” and tucked the hair on her cheek behind her ear and kissed her like I’d never see her again.

Well, two days passed within a blink of an eye, and yet I have changed so much, grown into a better man. Oh! Only Envy hadn’t had his chance to speak to me.

I then told Sarah I’d see her tomorrow and drove back to the house to see all of them standing on my front porch. I got down and t and went and hugged each one knowing it was time to say our goodbyes.

Envy stepped forward, “Max, we always knew you were a special young man, but always remember that when you succeed, there are always gonna be people who will envy you and try to bring you down, you have to then remember how hard you worked to get there and say, fuck you assholes and stay put.”

“I love you guys; do you have to go?”

“Yes child, but we will be watching you, okay?”

Goodbye.

When I was going to unlock the front door, I saw my reflection on the glass, and I then I realized that I was always like this, but I never saw myself for what I really am.

I measured my life by milestones and achievements all along, never realizing those small moments where I was the best possible version of myself.

I guess, the old wise man was correct.

Epilogue – After a year

I am so busy right now, I don’t even have the time to write this, but I know you guys I are curious of what happened after that.

I got selected to play college ball for Princeton University with a full scholarship. Sarah and I are in a very serious relationship and we are thinking of getting married after college, oh and by the way, she also got accepted to Princeton.

I also work as a part time model for Vogue (who knew!) I think I may be playing for the NBA next year.

And I made things right with my father and actually forgave him of all his shortcomings.

I am so grateful and happy for those two days last year, though I still think my mind is playing tricks with me as I went back the McDonald’s store and asked the guy whom I punched if he remembered me and he gave this weird look .

Anyways, you guys might have thought I have finally achieved something, but I think otherwise. I am still so very insecure about myself in a thousand different ways. But when I wake up in the morning, I am so grateful for being given this life in contrast to before when I used to wonder my purpose.

~ Lady Lazarus

[theajaheira]

imperfections (56/?)

read it on ao3!

iiiiii don’t know how to add a footnote w/o making it Extremely spoilery. love u all. writing this fic is such a trip and i am so glad to have an audience for this scooby family nonsense, esp. as it gets closer and closer to being finished

“That was some nice stuff you said to Buffy,” said Jen as they walked to the car.

Faith’s stomach flipped over. “Yeah,” she said uncertainly. “Yeah, it was—she means a lot to me, y’know?”

“I’ve noticed,” said Jen, and maybe it was just wishful thinking on Faith’s part, but there was an almost purposeful lightness to her tone. Like she knew Faith was holding shit back. “I’m really glad you two have hit it off.”

Faith bit the bullet. “I might ask her out,” she said. “Like, on a date. To prom, maybe. I don’t know. Haven’t really thought it through all that much.” She was doing her best not to look at Jen, continuing to talk so that she wouldn’t have to hear what Jen had to say to that. “I mean, she’s still gettin’ over Angel, she says she wants to take things slow, but if she’s not going with Angel she might as well go with me—”

“Faith?”

“I’m into girls,” Faith blurted out, refusing to look at Jen. “Which you should probably know, ‘cause B’s gonna be coming round sometimes, maybe. I don’t know. But that’s why she means a lot to me and we haven’t just hit it off in a friendly way—”

“Breathe,” said Jen, tugging on Faith’s leather jacket until Faith stopped walking. When Faith finally mustered the courage to look over at Jen, she saw that Jen was looking at her the same way that Jen always looked at her, and the relief at that realization was dizzying. But then Jen spoke again. “You’re not the only one who’s had crushes on girls.”

“Don’t try and tell me that every straight girl feels this kinda thing—” Faith began, outraged.

“Operating on some faulty intel there, kid,” said Jen, a broad smile beginning. “Whoever said I was a straight girl?”

Faith stared. Then she said, “You suck face with Giles in the kitchen on a daily basis.”

“You kids really need a crash course on bisexuality,” said Jen, who was now grinning fit to burst.

Faith didn’t really know what to say to that. Slowly, she managed, “So all that time you’ve been giving me looks every time me and Buffy talk—”

“I know the signs,” said Jen, knocking Faith’s shoulder. “You were making the same face I did around Marian Hall back in college, and somehow you managed to be even more obvious about it than me.”

“I was so not obvious!” Faith objected, indignant. “B didn’t catch a thing, and Giles didn’t either—”

“I love the kid, but Buffy probably wouldn’t have figured your crush out if you waved a sign saying DATE ME,” said Jen matter-of-factly. “And Rupert spent the better part of last year trying to figure out whether or not I liked him, most of that time while we were actively dating.”

Faith snickered. “Fair point,” she said, and reached down, quietly gripping the hem of Jen’s sleeve as they started to walk again. Her heart was pounding. “So I kinda just came out to you, huh?”

“Kinda, yeah,” Jen agreed, her voice softening. “I’m very proud of you.”

Faith made a gagging noise to try and hide her dumb grin.

Willow apparently still hadn’t reconciled with her mom, who had somehow forgotten the stake-burning but remembered that Willow had run away after being grounded. Joyce was still trying to talk Mrs. Rosenberg through that one, but for the time being, Willow was staying in the Calendar-Giles attic/guest room, which was A-okay in her book.

Ms. Calendar made Willow some hot chocolate again, this time with half-melty marshmallows and a dollop of whipped cream. “Does your mom tuck you in?” she asked, crossing the room to sit down on Willow’s bed (no, the guest room bed, Willow reminded herself). “If I recall correctly, you’re the kind of kid who really appreciates that.”

“You could tuck me in again,” said Willow. Ms. Calendar had done that a couple of times over the summer, back when things were a total mess and Willow stayed in Ms. Calendar’s bedroom pretty much every other night.

Ms. Calendar stood up, then bent down again, tucking the covers more snugly around Willow from the waist down. “You can just leave your mug on the nightstand when you’re done,” she said, leaning around Willow to fluff up one of the pillows. She smelled like a mixture of old books and floral perfume. “And get some sleep, okay? Don’t do that thing you do where you nap for two hours and get up to read books from Rupert’s study.”

“Giles has a study?” Willow grinned. “This is a nice house.”

“Yeah, I like it too.” Ms. Calendar gave Willow a little kiss on the cheek. Willow thought she felt a waxy smudge of lipstick, and kind of liked the thought of it lingering. “Night, Willow.”

“Goodnight, Ms. Calendar,” said Willow with a yawn.

Ms. Calendar wavered. Then she said, “You know, if you wanted, you could call me Jenny outside of school. You’re not just my student, Willow.”

Willow felt a kind of rush and had to blink really fast to hide potential tears. “Um, yeah,” she sad, swallowing hard. “Maybe. But, but maybe not yet?” The thought of Ms. Calendar as Jenny felt weird and informal, especially since Giles was the only one who called her that. Faith called her Jen, but that was a name that Willow personally thought didn’t really fit Ms. Calendar. “I like Ms. Calendar,” she clarified. “It used to feel kinda formal, but now it feels…”

Even though Willow wasn’t quite sure how to finish her sentence, Ms. Calendar smiled slightly, like she got it anyway. “Yeah,” she said. “That name didn’t really mean a lot to me until I came to Sunnydale, but now…”

She squeezed Willow’s shoulder, then leaned down again, enfolding her in a soft, floral-perfume hug. Willow closed her eyes, smiling.

Giles was still sitting in the kitchen by the time Jenny came down from putting the children to bed. Upon seeing her, he stood, feeling a sense of profound sadness and exhaustion. “Moment’s come, hasn’t it?” he said quietly.

“Come here,” said Jenny.

Giles obliged, stepping into her arms and closing his eyes. “You are so remarkably resilient tonight,” he murmured.

“Yeah, well, next apocalypse it’s my turn to freak out,” Jenny informed him, turning her head to rest her cheek on his chest. “Listen—this is gonna be hard, I know. But it’s the right thing to do for all involved.”

“They’re going to come here in person, you know,” said Giles quietly. “They’re going to demand to speak to Buffy, and I don’t know what they might convince her to do—”

“In a few days she’s turning eighteen,” Jenny replied simply.

“I was twenty-one when I raised Eyghon,” said Giles.

Jenny pulled away, looking up at him with a resigned, loving expression. “Rupert Giles,” she said, “idiot of my heart, you are gonna have to let that girl make her own choices. There’s only so much a parent can do to protect his kid, and after you make this call, you will have done everything you can.”

One word in particular stood out to Giles. “Parent?”

Jenny’s smile fluttered; she looked suddenly nervous. “Was that—I mean, was I off base?”

“Quite the opposite, I think,” said Giles unsteadily. “It’s simply that I worry my attachments mean I have failed her as a Watcher.”

“We have already established,” said Jenny firmly, “that the system you were raised in is bullshit. I know it is going to be so hard to let go of all that stuff, but holding onto it only hurts you.”

There was a level of understanding in her eyes that went well beyond her knowledge of the Council alone. “Jenny,” said Giles quietly, “you came to Sunnydale to carry out a mission of vengeance.”

“Yeah,” said Jenny, and gave him a wobbly, crooked smile. “Yeah. Because my family told me that that was all I would ever be good for.”

Something twisted in Giles’s chest. Not once had he thought about what might have brought Jenny here—in part, he supposed, because he knew it must have been painful for her. “You’re good for—” he began.

“I’m not a witch, remember?” said Jenny, who seemed to be doing her best to keep her smile steady. It wasn’t really working. “I came from a long line of seers and witches and warlocks and people in tune with the earth, and I was never, ever that. So they sent me off to watch Angelus, because that was the only way I would ever be of use, and…” She trailed off, raising her hands to his face. “I know,” she said. “I know for a fact that you’re making the right choice, Rupert, because you’re making the same one I did a year ago. I don’t regret a single thing I did last year, not one, because it led me to a home and a family and one of the best hot librarians I know.”

Giles stared at her, eyes wet, and then he kissed her, and…how, he thought, was he this lucky? Watchers lived a painful, lonely life; nearly everyone they dared to love ended up dead, and here was beautiful, compassionate, resilient Jenny, changing the rules because she could. “I love you ceaselessly,” he said clumsily as they broke apart, then kissed her again, an awkward kiss that was more of a collision than anything. Both of them were a bit too emotional for finesse. “Unendingly.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” said Jenny with a nervous laugh.

“You know I would never do that to you again,” Giles persisted.

Her expression didn’t change, but Giles felt Jenny press herself closer against him. “Yeah,” she said. “Ditto.”

“The promise thing or the flowery-love thing?”

“Don’t make me say it,” said Jenny, giving him a small, watery smile.

Giles kissed her one last time. Then, with no small amount of reluctance, he let go of her, stepping back and picking up the phone. Eyes locked on Jenny’s, he dialed the extension, waiting for Travers to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Travers, it’s Giles,” said Giles, and Jenny took two steps forward, winding her arms around his waist. Grounding him.

Faith was hanging around the general area of Buffy’s locker, looking somewhat tense. Even after the emotional mess of the night before, Buffy’s heart did a funny little flip thing upon seeing her, and she couldn’t hide her smile. “Hi,” she said bashfully, stepping up to Faith.

“Yeah, B, I got some bad news,” said Faith shortly. “You were gonna find it out when you got to the library, but Jen said I should run and tell you beforehand.”

Buffy felt the crush-related jitters fade, replaced by some more general jitters that she didn’t really like. “What’s going on?”

“So, uh, Giles and Jen tried to call the Council yesterday night,” said Faith, falling into step with Buffy as they headed towards the library. “Didn’t really go over well.”

“How did it not go over well?” Buffy asked, pushing the door open with her shoulder. Then she stopped.

“Ms. Summers?” said an old guy in a tweed suit, flanked by a whole bunch of other business-formal people that Buffy didn’t know. “My name is Quentin Travers, and I am the head of the Watchers’ Council. I believe you and I need to talk.”

[storyknitter]

The Old Guard (7/7)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Hey, look everybody! It’s finally done! \o/ Many thanks again to @andveryginger for making sure that it doesn’t suck (any glaring mistakes are mine, because I can’t leave well enough alone and keep poking at paragraphs that I don’t like).

“Theron, thank you for arriving so quickly.” Lana glanced up at him as he entered the War Room.

“You said it was important,” the spy shrugged, “and Beywan didn’t mind tabling our discussion. What’s up?”

“You’re to report to the Commander immediately, in your quarters.” The Sith stood stiffly at rest, hands clasped behind her back.

“Did she say what this was about?” Theron asked, somehow managing to keep his expression and voice neutral, even as his mind raced through what felt like hundreds of different possibilities. His stomach flopped and his heart stuttered as both anxiety and hope settled into his chest.

“I informed Vassanna that you wished to speak with her.”

“Wait, what? Lana, why the hells would you do that?” Theron hissed and ran a hand roughly through his hair as he scowled at the blonde. She confused him by answering with a small, sad smile.

“Because it’s true. And because you two need to sit down and talk to each other, like the mature adults that you both pretend to be.” Shrugging slightly, Lana continued, “And this is all that I can do to help you: force your hand and make you actually sit in the same room together with nowhere else to be until your discussion is finished. The rest is up to you.”

Theron stared incredulously at the Sith for a moment, her words taking time to sink in.

“Well, go on. ‘Time and tide’ and all that,” she said, waving him off with a hint of a smirk.

Sanna sat stiffly on the couch with her hands folded together in her lap, Jedi Mask firmly in place, and waited until the door closed behind Theron to speak.

“Lana said you wanted to talk to me.” Her voice was flat and distant; the optimism he’d felt upon entering the room began to fade, though he pressed on.

“I do.” He sat on the opposite couch, taking a deep breath. “I want-- no, I need to explain.”

“You’ve already explained,” she said tersely, standing to leave and smoothing the front of her shirt to cover the shaking of her hands. “On more than one occasion, in fact. I don’t have time to hear the same story again.”

“That’s funny -- Lana mentioned that your schedule’s clear,” Theron said with a raised eyebrow and a wry twist to his lips. Vassanna glared at him as she took a step towards the door. “No, wait,” he pleaded as he stood and grasped her elbow, meeting her hard gaze with a sigh. “Hear me out, just this once.”

She tugged out of his grip, bristling as she stabbed her finger at him. “How can you expect me to listen to anything you have to say to me?”

Theron caught her hand and pulled her towards him, knocking her off balance in more ways than one, and rested her palm flat on his chest. He covered her bare hand with his, holding it in place over his heart. “Please, Sanna...” Closing his eyes, he lowered the mental shields he had been trained since childhood to keep around himself. “Believe me.”

Vassanna wrenched her hand from beneath his, recoiling as though his touch had seared her skin. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to block out the distorted emotions she could sense from him, but it was near impossible: regret, sorrow, fear, frustration... and love. So much love.

She shook her head in an attempt to clear it and tried to ignore his feelings -- and her own.

“It doesn’t work like that, Theron. The Force, the bond we--” The Jedi’s lips pursed as she cut herself off, taking a deep breath. “They’re not lie detectors,” she huffed.

Resting her fisted hands on her hips, Sanna shook her head and muttered, “I should have known better; you’re a kriffing spy. How stupid am I for believing you, for thinking you’d be honest with me?”

“Sanna--”

“Where did the lies stop, Theron?” she interrupted, pacing as every pent-up question she’d had since that day on Umbara tried to claw its way out of her throat at once. “Oh stars, where did they start? Was everything you said to me a lie?”

“No, I swear. I--”

“What did I do?” She was shaking and shouting at him, her Jedi control all but gone. “You said that you didn’t expect me to understand. Well, why not? Make me understand! Why did you do this? And why couldn’t you trust me?” Theron’s brows knitted together in confusion: he hadn’t expected Sanna to take issue with the amount of faith he had placed in her.

“Of course I trust you, Sanna; I have since I recruited you for the attack on Korriban. Not to mention that I’ve trusted you with my life since Manaan.” Taking a leap of faith, he said, “I love you.”

His confession wasn’t appreciated by the Mirialan -- she looked offended rather than moved by his declaration, arms crossed and a frown on her face.

“Oh, so you’ll trust me with your heart, but not with kriffing intel, not with this op? You should have brought me in on this sooner; why didn’t you?”

Memories assaulted him: the pity in Marcus’s eyes after Theron discovered that Marr’s fleet had been destroyed, Lorman’s ill-disguised glee over the wreck of Acina’s shuttle, the dozens of other close calls that he and Sanna had over their time together. Finally, a vision of what the Order of Zildrog had planned for her flashed before his eyes and he snapped.

“I was trying to protect you, dammit!”

“I didn’t need your protection, Theron, I needed you. And in case you've forgotten, I was a kriffing Jedi Battlemaster at one point; I can defend myself,” she snarled and he sighed, deflated.

“I know you can, but--”

“No, don’t you dare give me that line again about watching my back -- you can’t watch my back when you’re not here,” she countered with narrowed eyes, anger and contempt dripping from her words. “And leaving me in the dark? Tell me, how does that help me or protect me? How am I supposed to be an effective leader and keep my people safe without all the relevant information? This is hard enough as it is without you making me look like a fool!”

Theron’s hands went to his hips and he frowned, exasperated, and took a small amount of satisfaction in the surprise that flitted across her features with his next words.

“You’re right, okay? You’re right, I should have talked to you. I didn't tell you because-- because I was afraid,” he said, shoulders slumping. “If the Order knew that you were aware of what was going on, they would have moved forward with their plans. If they'd done that before I could stop them or undermine them, then the galaxy would have burned: Coruscant, Dromund Kaas, Zakuul -- all of it.”

Theron’s answer seemed to placate her slightly; Sanna crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. He sighed and despite his best efforts, despair seeped into his next words.

"I know you, Sanna," he continued. He gave her a small, but infinitely sad smile. "You'd have willingly walked into -- you would have sacrificed your --" He broke off, swallowing hard, unable to even utter the words and he ran his hand along his jaw. "I would have lost you. Again. I... can't do that. Couldn't do that. So I couldn't let you talk me out of it."

“Well, you’re damned right that I’d have tried to talk you out of it. Going off alone was a bad idea, and dangerous as hells. You could have died!” Vassanna shouted, hands fisted at her sides and blinking back tears.

“If I hadn’t gone, you would have.” Heartbreak was clear on Theron's face and in his voice, but she was having none of it.

“How dare you,” she hissed, eyes flashing. “How dare you decide that your life was worth tossing away in exchange for mine. That’s not how this was supposed to work -- we were supposed to be a team.” Both were painfully aware that this was far from the first time they’d had this argument, though it was usually in reverse. Staring each other down for a long moment, Sanna turned away first, her head bowed.

“You said such horrible things to me.” Her sad, defeated tone shattered the remaining shards of his heart.

“I know,” he said in the soft voice he only used with her, “and I’m so sorry.” Theron reached for Vassanna’s hand, but she pulled back from him yet again. Disappointment filled his chest and he pushed it away. She’s still here and we’re actually talking, so maybe things between us are still salvageable after all, he mused, and the thought heartened him.

“Please, please understand, Sanna. The Order was embedded in the Alliance far deeper than any of us thought at the beginning -- they had people everywhere, and for a long time.

“I tried to leave you as many breadcrumbs as I could, as many hints as possible without tipping them off... even after you’d commed me. What I still can't figure out is how the hells you not only found, but sliced my new comm frequency from across the galaxy. That was incredible,” he said, admiration clear in his tone.

Sanna looked down at his words, lips pursed as her tears finally overflowed and she dashed them away angrily. It took every bit of restraint that Theron had to keep from reaching out to comfort her; she had made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want any physical contact with him.

“They were observing me then, during our call,” Theron said quietly. “I had to do something to get you off the comm, to make the Order think that I wasn’t compromised. If it looked like I was, well... no one keeps a compromised agent around for long, Sanna. I had to lie to you make them think that I was truly done with the Alliance, with you... and hells, it hurt.”

Vassanna’s head snapped up and she stared at him, incredulous, lip curling into a sneer, twisting her face. “It hurt you? How can you even-- What do you think I--” The sob she was trying so hard to contain attempted to break free with a deep gasp. “You told me that my worst nightmares were real, Theron! You broke--” Vassanna's mouth snapped shut and she crossed her arms over her chest again. His stomach sank as anger and grief transformed her face into a bitter caricature of the gentle woman he’d known for years.

If Theron had believed that his intuition was nudging and prodding at him before, then every instinct he had was screaming at him now. Frustration swept through him; something was very wrong and on the tip of his tongue, but he still couldn’t name it.

His mind dragged him back to Copero, standing in the shuttle next to Valss and prepping to leave; after she'd made that terrible train pun, Sanna had tried to reach out to him through their connection. He'd had to shut her out quickly -- it was so very tempting to just run back to her, to hold her in his arms again -- but her voice in his head had sounded distant, fuzzy, as though the reception was bad. At the time, he’d assumed it was her doing, that she’d muted or dampened their link somehow, but--

The vague, cold unease Theron had felt since he’d left Umbara snaked itself around his chest, lodging itself in his heart. As understanding settled in, his eyes grew wide and he stared at her in disbelief, wishing and hoping that he was wrong.

“What did I break?” Sanna’s gaze slid off to the side, avoiding him, and Theron fought down the urge to be sick. He grabbed her shoulders, trying to meet her eyes.

“Vassanna, please tell me -- what’s broken?” he begged, voice raspy with dread. She looked through him, that blasted Jedi Mask securely back in place.

“Our bond.” Even though Theron had known in his heart what her answer would be, it still felt as though all the air in the room disappeared and the world tipped under his feet at her mumbled words. His hands fell away from her arms and he took a step backward, dazed. She swallowed hard and stared at the floor, tucking the edges of her cardigan tightly around herself, as she’d done so many times with his jacket.

“What have I done?” he murmured, sinking to the edge of the couch, head buried in his hands. He hadn't meant to say it aloud and she offered no answer.

Time stretched out between them, blanketing the room in a heavy silence.

“Does it hurt?” Theron asked softly, looking up at Sanna with shining eyes. Any Force-sensitive being -- bonded or not -- could undoubtedly feel the remorse and self-loathing that rolled off of him, as well as the concern for her well-being. She shook her head, still avoiding his gaze.

“Not anymore. Now it’s just... numb.” She appeared to be intrigued by a loose thread on the cuff of her sleeve and he hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. After another long silence, Theron heaved a resigned sigh and took his datapad out of his coat pocket. With a few taps and swipes of his fingers, he did what needed to be done, what she deserved: he gave her space to heal and what little peace he could. It may have been at the cost of his own heart, but he felt it a worthy exchange, all things considered.

Before he came back to the Alliance, Theron had believed that he was prepared for Sanna to reject him; he’d done and said so many terrible things, after all, even if he hadn’t meant them and they were uttered to keep her safe. That hadn't stopped him from foolishly hoping that he could make it up to her, but... not now. He’d done too much damage; no amount of “I'm sorry, but I only did this to save you,” could justify the devastation he’d caused.

Theron had always known that this was a possibility -- he just hadn’t expected it to hurt so damned much.

He cleared his throat and swallowed, but the lump there was immovable; his voice came out sounding strangled, despite the effort he put into speaking. “I've arranged to be moved to my own quarters. Change of billets for senior staff still need your approval, though.”

There was no acknowledgment of his statement from Vassanna; she simply stood there, curled into herself, blank features unreadable.

Theron stood and tenderly pulled her arms out from around herself, gingerly placing the datapad into her hands, its blinking cursor happily awaiting her authorization code. He barely checked himself in time to keep from dropping a kiss on the top of her head.

The heartbroken spy turned and trudged up the stairs to the armoire, clenching his hands into fists to still their trembling. Fuck, this hurts. Just breathe, you can do this, he told himself as he heard her fingers tapping across the keypad. Swinging the door panel open, Theron pulled out the duffle he’d so recently emptied and unzipped it, reaching blindly for the handles of a drawer.

Packing his bag, Theron felt as displaced and adrift as he had at thirteen, tossed out of the Jedi enclave and utterly on his own. The future he’d spent his entire childhood envisioning had disappeared in a puff of smoke with a few simple sentences. Daydreams of the future he’d wanted to share with Sanna threatened to do the same and he scrambled to hide them away, not quite ready to let go of this dream.

His implants pinged with a notification regarding the status of his housing request and Theron blinked it away, archiving the message before he could see the confirmation of the end, of their end. You’ve gotta keep it together, Shan, just a bit longer, he thought.

“Denied.” It was a subdued, broken whisper and Theron froze, unable to breathe for a moment, the duffle slipping from his fingers to the floor.

“What?” he asked. He could barely move, let alone turn to look at her. Hope stubbornly blossomed in his chest again and he stomped it out, afraid that he was hearing things.

“Your request is denied, Agent Shan,” she said in a wavering voice, holding the datapad out to him. “You need to work on any issues with your roommate on your own. Moving out won’t help anything.”

Theron stared at her, agape, before managing to croak out, “Of course, Commander.” He made his way slowly to the edge of the raised bedroom, crouching before dropping down and crossing the room. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off of the Jedi, as though she might disappear if he looked away. Pausing within arm’s reach, Theron took the datapad, fingers brushing hers, and tossed it on the sofa as he cleared his throat.

“There’s still a problem,” he said. Sanna’s eyelids fluttered closed and her jaw set in defeat at his words. “I want to make things right with her, Commander, but I don’t know how. Even if I knew how to fix it, I don’t know that I could; there’s a lot that’s broken.” Theron caught himself reaching for her and drew his hands back to himself. “And I’m worried that my roommate might not want things between us to be fixed. I hurt her -- badly.”

Opening her eyes, she glanced past him at the mostly-empty duffle lying on the floor. Fighting back more tears, Sanna met his gaze.

“Stay. I--” Her voice was barely a whisper. “Stay, Theron.”

“Are you sure, Sanna?” She nodded, lip caught between her teeth, and his heart soared. “Yeah?” She nodded again and stepped closer to him with a gasping sob, taking his hand in hers and twining their fingers together.

“I don’t know how to do this, either, but we used to make a good team,” she said, sniffling, and swiped at the tears glistening on her cheeks. “We can figure this out together, don’t you think?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do,” Theron said, haltingly reaching out to cradle her cheek in his hand and brushing away a tear with his thumb. “I like that idea, very much.”

“Me, too,” Sanna said, struggling to find the right thing to say, to do. She settled for resting her hand on top of his, eyes drifting shut while she basked in the warmth of his skin for the first time in so very long. “I love you,” she whispered.

Theron couldn’t repress an odd combination of a sob and a laugh; it drew a concerned glance from Vassanna, and he let out a relieved huff.

“I was pretty damn sure I’d never hear you say that to me again,” Theron said, blinking away the tears that sprang up, unbidden. He hesitated for the briefest of moments before pressing his lips to her forehead, closing his eyes and willing this moment to be real and not a dream.

“I certainly tried not to love you after... after everything, but I couldn’t,” Sanna sniffled. “I failed spectacularly, in fact.”

“Is it wrong that I’m glad you failed?” Theron’s flippant question was met by a long pause. His anxiety spiked as he thought that perhaps, after all this, he’d undone everything with a careless remark.

“No,” she answered quietly, voice thick with tears. “I’m glad, too.” With a small smile tugging at his lips, Theron reached up to brush a stray wisp of hair out of her face.

“Oh stars, I’m such a hypocrite.” she choked out, turning away, hand pressed to her mouth. “I'm so sorry. I didn't tell you the whole story earlier.” Sanna glanced back with wild eyes to see the confusion on Theron’s features and rushed to explain. “I wanted to hurt you like you’d hurt me -- what is wrong with me? I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m--” A whimper and hiccup broke off her rambling and Theron took a step closer, tenderly holding her face in the palms of his hands and pressing a kiss to her forehead again as his thumbs brushed her cheeks.

“No, sweetheart, you’re okay,” he said soothingly and tried not to worry about what had her so upset. “Shh, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s alright. You can tell me now, whatever it is -- if you want to, of course.”

Sniffling, Vassanna turned away and began to pace, fingers twisted together in front of her. Theron stood as patiently as he could while she worked out whatever was running through her mind and did his best to ignore the urge to kiss the frown from her features, the way he used to when she was worried. That won’t help anything, he scolded himself.

Sanna stopped abruptly in front of Theron, as though surprised by her own inability to stand still. Her mouth opened and closed a number of times as she struggled to find the right words.

“It’s still there,” the Mirialan blurted out, gesturing to the two of them and wiping away more tears. “The connection between us, I mean. It’s in pieces, but... from the minute you walked back into my life, the Force started repairing it, stitching it back together.” Panic flashed across her features and her hand subconsciously covered her heart as she met Theron's eyes again.

“It scared me, and I-- it hurt so much and I couldn't do that again,” she whispered, shaking her head, “so I kept you at a distance, as best I could. I’m so sorry, I should have told you--”

Vassanna's hands clamped over her mouth to smother a harsh, heart-wrenching cry she could no longer contain. Without a thought, Theron stepped forward to close the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders, holding her tight. He fully expected her to pull away again and was elated to be wrong; instead, she burrowed her head in his chest and her arms wound around him, fingers grasping and clutching at the back of his shirt, as though unable to hold him close enough.

Cradling her head to his chest, Theron ran his other hand up and down and her spine, filled with both guilt and relief. Dropping a kiss on the top of her head, he murmured calming words and reassurances into her hair between sniffles of his own: how she had every right to feel the way she felt, to be angry and upset about what he’d done; there was nothing to be sorry for but he’d forgive her anything; that everything was going to be okay; that he loved her, oh he loved her so damned much; and how very, very sorry he was for everything he'd done to her and how badly he wanted to make things right.

As they stood clinging to the other, time ceased to exist and they both felt as though they were home at long last.

“Stop apologizing, Theron,” Sanna said softly, breaking the silence and leaning back slightly. She reached up and placed her cool hand on his cheek, scratchy with stubble. “I forgive you.”

Theron huffed out another laugh-sob of disbelief and tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear before kissing the crown of her head.

“Hells, I love you, Sanna,” he said, resting his forehead on hers, noses nuzzling.

“I love you too. I can’t promise--” She paused and took a deep, calming breath before meeting his amber eyes.

“This might not be easy for me sometimes, Theron. I spent so much time questioning everything and I'm having a hard time letting go of the hurt, the anger. I know that I should, I know that I need to, and I’m trying, I am, but...” The Jedi bit her lip as her words trailed off and he nodded, his thumb tracing her jaw.

“I understand. I won’t ask you to --”

Before Theron could finish his sentence, Sanna had twined her arms around the back of his neck and tilted her face up, tugging him to her and capturing his lips with her own, effectively stopping his words and any thoughts of taking things slowly.

Across the base, a notification popped up on Lana’s datapad:

Change of housing request: Shan, Theron From: Aurek-0001 To: Cresh-0312 Authorized by: T. Shan Pending Command approval...

The blonde Sith sat with bated breath, frowning at the blinking cursor with no small amount of concern -- and hope -- for her two friends.

“Oh, don’t you two dare be stubborn idiots about this,” she muttered. “Just talk to each other, for Force’s sake. Work this out.”

A small, hissed “yes” escaped the Sith as she saw the request had been rejected. With a pleased smirk, she cleared both Theron and Sanna’s schedules for the next day.

[pokefanbri]

Im beginning to feel numb, i can feel myself giving up on my feelings for him...im losing hope slowly. I cry now because I dont want to lose my love for him, & im dreading the day when its gone completely. It hurts terribly to let go. Now as each day passes I lose a tiny bit of him in my heart, but its still so strong...however fading. Though I was exiled out of his life a little more than 2 months ago with no contact since, im still holding on...when i probably shouldn't. It could take years to get over someone...2 months seems like its been forever. I know him like nobody else, the touch of darkness in him, his weirdness behind closed doors, his mistakes & lapse in judgment...i didnt care, i loved him for who he was & flaws always have room to be worked on ofcourse, but thats besides the point. It was unconditional from me through & through, I would've done anything to keep us afloat if I only knew how & if he'd be willing to help.

I miss his quirks, his smile with those big kissable lips of his, his hugs, our gaming time, the back & butt rubs lol, the way he did things for me so id smile, our favorite parts of eachothers time together...theyre memories but so memorable. He taught me how to drive a lawnmower & i rode on the back of it holding onto him...in our last days together...that was a precious memory ill never forget. Though he wasn't in love perse at least not how I loved him, & didnt show it like I did, he showed it in the little things he did for me that i appreciate that get me everytime. And nomatter how closed off & whatever amount of 1 sidedness there was, his loving light shined to me a bit on occasion even if I didnt see it at the time. All he did for me & precious little moments speak volumes.. Thats how I know there was something, that he cared about me too even if he didnt recognize it himself. He taught me so much within the 1st half of 2020.. he has no idea, & he really did help shape me to who I am now. Though my life is flipped upside-down from my decision to go with him & then coming back home to nothing...i wouldn't change a thing & I absolutely don't regret it, I wouldn't have gotten to know a great ass person if I hadn't.

When someone crys over someone even when together, it's that which means they care so much about the other. And im crying now, because everytime i write of him memories come flooding back. Everyone has their issues, among others mine include abandonment, & my God this relationship resulted in my worst fear. But even so, I didnt care, i loved him all the same. He was so lucky to have me too, & he damn well knows it. If I ever find another, they'll have nothing on him. But he probably thought I deserved better, even if i was to blame on the surface..when in reality he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted...that I was too good for him, that he knew I saw his weaknesses & couldn't handle me knowing of them, & maybe he didn't want to let me down anymore than he had so he did what he thought was best for both of us so neither of us would have to suffer. At the time i thought he was cowardly to rid of me..but looking at it now especially in the last days, it was very brave & noble of him to say goodbye to such a caring & loving woman that would do anything for his happiness in turn. But now I'm sitting here, 2 months later..still torn up about all of it...however whatever sadness or love I feel, even if it fades...it won't ever leave.

As the king now sits upon his throne in his castle without his queen by his side giving words of encouragement & gentle kisses on the forehead, & with the queen across the continent tending to & fixing her broken heart..fighting a tough battle with all her might without her king to guide & fight alongside her, God smiles upon them both, wraps his arms around them in a loving embrace & says gingerly "you two are strong warriors, this is a great lesson I'm showing you, ill guide u where u need to be, i gave u the free will to make your own decisions but don't abuse it...do right & just. You aren't perfect my children, you're only human but it falls upon you for betterment til the day u come home to me. Just keep fighting for yourselves, eachother, your loved ones, & me. I hear your pain and prayers loud & clear, this is all part of my plan. Have faith"

[cassether]

Soldier On

Category: Angst /Missing scene 

Pairing: Dutch/D’avin

Summary:  Tag to Reckoning Ball, takes place after Dutch, D’avin and Johnny all meet up at The Royale.

Warnings: Spoilers for 3x09 Reckoning Ball. Contains bad language. 

Disclaimer: Own Nadda!

Johnny zipped up his jacket as the door swung shut behind him, the closure muting the rowdy noise coming from inside The Royale. 

It was dark and he scanned the alley for his brother shivering as he tried to spot D’avin in the narrow passageway. Fortunately he'd done his fair share of reckoning and the copious amounts of alcohol sheltered him more than the thin layer of leather cradling his chest. It was cold but bearable and he drew a slow breath as he stepped down the cobbled walkway. 

He really ought to try and sober up but with no idea what was coming getting shitfaced seemed like a perfectly reasonable game plan. It was becoming a trend just like the imminent danger lurking around every corner, ironically, the same place he found his brother hiding.

"D'av?" 

He squinted at the figure pressed to the wall, one hand cushioning his forehead and the other nursing a glass of hootch. He made no acknowledgment of the approach and Johnny frowned sidling up to his older sibling, "hey... you okay?” 

D’avin jerked at the sound and quickly flexed his wrist trying to shake off the sudden intrusion. Everyone was supposed to be inside getting hammered, paying homage to their call to arms, but he should have know better than to assume his brother would get swept up in the comradery. "Fine.” He brushed off the concern with a wave, “just getting some air."

The gruff response was a poor excuse for an explanation and Johnny narrowed his gaze. "Bullshit.” He folded his arms with a tight nod, “this is me remember?"

D'avin flinched steeling himself against the ‘family’ card. He had no problem opening up to his brother but he was consciously aware of the fleet drinking less than a few hundred feet behind them. He was their commander, awarded general, and if he couldn't get his shit together how was he supposed to lead them into a war? He could cry like a fucking baby on his own time. 

"I’ve got this.” D’avin raised the glass to his lips ignoring the fiery burn in his throat as he knocked the liquid back. The problem wasn’t alcohol. It was his decision to remain semi-sober despite all the shit going down around them. “I mean it,” he wiped his mouth with a steady hand, “I’m not going anywhere.” 

"I know." There wasn’t a beat of hesitation as Johnny stared him down. A few years ago there might have been some residual trust issues left between them but they’d moved on from all of that or at least he thought they had.  “I know it, so does everyone else in there-” he directed a thumb over his shoulder, “so talk to me... what’s really going on?” 

As soon as the question hit the air between them Johnny had his answer. He knew his brother; in and out of the field, aboard Lucy, and more pertinently from the years they’d spent growing up together. At age ten Fey Rel’ma had cheated on D’avin and broken his heart. Since then Johnny had always been able to read heartbreak in his siblings expression no matter how densely it was compacted.

“You’re worried about Dutch.” 

It wasn’t a question. 

Lucy had informed him the moment his best friend and brother had rekindled their relationship. His girl liked to gossip but John sensed now wasn’t the right time to dwell on schematics. "We'll find a way to get her through this.”

"Like we did with Pawter?" The words were sharp, honed from fear and D’av immediately regretted them. He was supposed to be in charge, in control of his emotions not taking potshots and alienating himself from the team. "I’m sorry, that wasn’t cool." He apologised stressing a genuine note of remorse in the quiet tone. If he shut down now they may as well hand the war over to Aneela.

"No ass-wipe, it wasn’t.” Johnny scuffed his boot trying to ignore the dull ache the jab left behind. There were no guarantees, shitty things happened to good people but he’d be damned if he was going to lose another women he loved without one hells of a fight. “You’re scared, I get it. I am too but we didn’t come all this way just to get this far... there’s another way around we just have to find it." 

Silence fell heavily between them and Johnny breathed out slowly as he lifted his gaze up to the sky. Before long they’d have an armada bearing down on them but he had something Aneela didn’t; a family to fight for. 

"You know, when I was gone I thought the two of you might...” he motioned his hand alluding to his brothers relationship with Dutch. It wasn’t something he’d advocated but since Pawter’s death he’d faced a lot of home truths including his own insecurities. “It made me angry, thinking about how reckless and selfish you were the first time-” he stopped, leveling his gaze again, “but then i realised it wasn’t even about you. I was jealous... afraid of losing two of the most important people in my life but I chose to leave. I wasn’t here and she had you, how could I possibly be mad about that?” 

"We didn’t... I mean, nothing happened.” The honesty was raw and it urged D’avin to take another drink, the liquid smoother as it rushed his throat. He and Dutch had kept things professional but flashes from the previous night triggered a wave of guilt that left him questioning everything, including how he was supposed to let her go. If it came down to it he didn’t know if he could act impartially and if he could that was equally as terrifying.

Johnny sensed his brothers turmoil and a slight smirk tugged his lips. In the beginning he’d been pissed about the changing dynamic but D’avin had worked hard to find his place on the team and they might have differing roles in Dutch's life but she needed them both, now more than ever. "Don't read too much into this but I was wrong about you two." 

D'avin turned his head curiously, detecting a slight note of humour as his brother continued.

 "I'm always going to be her favourite, that's pretty obvious-" Johnny ribbed him with a gentle nudge, "but you can give her something I can't. She needs that and so do you."

The words hit home and D’avin tried to steer away from the emotion clawing at his throat. The sentiment was appreciated but it didn’t change the fact they were starting a war with limited advantages at their disposal. He’d wasted so much time already and drew a shaky breath as he finished the last of his drink. "While you were gone we fought side by side, drank too much, screwed with all the wrong people...” his hand tightened around the glass as he recalled their argument, “the whole time I didn’t say a thing, not one god damn word.” It hurt to admit and he threw the tumbler barely registering as it shattered against the wall. He didn’t care too busy berating himself for every missed opportunity. “I was a coward and she deserves better than that, than me."

Johnny didn’t so much as flinch combating the outburst with a firm stance. “You’re wrong.” He wasn’t afraid of his brother, what scared him was the air of defeat rapidly surrounding them. "In case you missed it Dutch has a hard time trusting people. She’s been let down by pretty much every guy in her life so I’m sorry but you don’t get to beat yourself up for proving her friendship means more than just sex. If it didn’t we wouldn’t even be having this conversation” 

The protectiveness was tangible and D’avin landed his fist against the wall wishing it made the situation easier to accept. Even if Johnny was right it didn’t change the fact Dutch was in danger and there was nothing he could do to help her. "I don’t know if I can just suck it up and let her go-” the admission was raw and he drew his arm back scrubbing the hand across his face, "dying is a really shitty way to break up with someone.” 

"Which is why we fight.” Johnny launched over his brother’s doubt with forced optimism. It had always been his role in the family no matter how bleak things looked and he refused to give up hope now. “We give this everything we have, no matter what it takes."

No matter what. It was noble but didn’t ring true to what he’d learnt as a soldier. He was military and this was war which meant every promise equalled a sacrifice; one life for another, and he was personally responsible for making those decisions. “What happens if I screw this up?

“You won’t.” Again there was no hesitation and a genuine smile ghosted Johnny's lips. He knew his brother and he knew Dutch. That alone gave him the boost of confidence he needed. “You’ll do the right thing and not because Dutch asks you to. You’ll do it because you love her and I can bring myself to live with that.” 

The unwavering faith didn’t remove the acrid taste from D’avins mouth. It didn't squash the memory of waking up in Dutch's arms or stop him praying for a miracle but it derailed the growing need for vengeance that had started itching beneath his skin.

He wouldn’t fight out of hatred.

He'd fight to protect everything behind them and that was their advantage, something Aneela would never understand and the one thing that made it their war to lose; they were fighting for family.

[artloife]

For the prompt 'Smile'

A/N: This is part wish fulfillment, part my reaction to the frankly amazing recent chapters by Nakamura-Sensei. This is my own kind of headcanon that’s developed about these two characters and is rather heavily dependent on all the character development that has occurred since the Dark Moon Wrap Party until the most recent chapter. This is for the Skip Beat celebration of KyokoxRen week on tumblr. For the prompt ‘Smile’

Also, I use the Japanese honorifics as I’m most used to hearing that from learning conversational Japanese. Additionally, Nakamura-sensei utilizes the inner thoughts of her characters to great effect, so I’ve done that as well. It's denoted with ‘_’. 

This clocks in at around 9k so yeah.... Enjoy! 

Five Times Tsuruga Ren Slipped & Then Covered with a Smile

1. Of Momose-san & an Interview

The Dark Moon Wrap Party was well underway and Momose-san was currently enjoying answering the in-depth questions of her interviewer. She was so delighted by how insightful her reporter was that she perhaps let slip something she otherwise wouldn’t have. 

“Momose-san, I’m quite curious, with such a wonderfully talented cast and crew, what surprised you the most while being a part of those dynamics behind the scenes of this production?”

Momose-san perhaps could have mentioned the talented musicians they consulted with, as acknowledging more rarely-spoken of aspects of producing television was always appreciated, but what really had stuck with her most throughout shooting the show was the dichotomy of Mogami-san. So struck by how the younger actress acted during daily life, she instead replied:

“This might be silly to say, but Mogami-san, oh, who you all would know as Kyoko-san, when not in character, is astonishingly gentle and kind. And so funny! Her and Tsuruga-san were sometimes so silly together they appeared like a manzai duo! I am so glad Tsuruga-san vouched for her in the beginning, as the time we spent together not in front of the cameras, we had quite a bit of fun! And she’s just such a professional in general as well.”

Her interviewer, a little startled by her enthusiasm, nevertheless filed away that fascinating nugget of information. 

“Okay, next question, what was the scene most memorable to you?” …

As Yashiro-san would snark later, Ren could have very easily avoided this misstep. However, in his opinion, he believed he covered with remarkable aplomb and so all’s well that ends well. Ren, unexpectedly and unfortunately, relearned a particular lesson today that he really should have known better than to have had to relearn. That is, he draws attention he doesn’t even know he does at the most inopportune times. ‘Boss would get a kick out of this’, he mused to himself, exasperated and still irritated on some levels. 

To provide some context, a certain crew member, underling to a certain interviewer, had been struggling to find his boss’ next two interviewees after one Iizuka-san’s interview was finished. As his search met the ten minute mark, he finally spotted an odd event occurring next to an odd decoration. ‘Egyptian?? Why Egyptian?’ Then, ‘Tsuruga-san! Why are you embarrassing that nice looking lady?!’

He politely coughed to gain the couple’s attention, “Tsuruga-san, please follow me, we’re ready for you.”

The tall actor straightened up to gesture towards the interviewing space, “After you Mogami-san.” 

The crew member now recognized the glamorous young woman as Kyoko-san, who then promptly ducked her head and scurried towards the seating area. The crew member shook his head to divest himself of his surprise at how chameleon-like the young actress was. Then he hurried on ahead to whisper to his boss about what he just saw. She was not even gonna believe it but he totally saw it with his own two eyes; Tsuruga-san liked to tease. 

Ren, throughout the beginning of the interview, couldn’t help but kick himself for his behavior. ‘You’re getting sloppy Kuon. Tsuruga Ren is always a gentleman. What are you even doing? Mogami-san became so embarrassed that that crew member glared at me even as he felt embarrassed for her too! Get it together!’

“I know I’m a curious one, and I’m sure the fans are too, however did you think up your style for this evening? So glamorous!”

Ren suppressed a twitch at the interviewer’s question while Kyoko blushed brightly.

“Ahha, actually, it’s a bit of a funny story. Since I’m younger than everyone, and this was my first real event like this, I was a tad self-conscious about it. But actually Kijima-san was so nice, when I mentioned it, he introduced me to some stylists and they just kind of went wild. I was a bit surprised but he helped me out a lot with it.”

Ren again attempted to rein in his temper as the chatter continued in this vein for the next couple minutes. Really, his more physically-inclined urges to rearrange Kijima-san’s face and/or to outright speak ill of him was slightly hypocritical after all that had just happened. Nevertheless, Ren had to take a calming breath and bite his tongue. 

“You’re such an interesting topic of conversation tonight Mogami-san! First Momose-san, and now Kijima-san, and, from what I hear, even Tsuruga-san, they all really seem have great relationships with you in particular out of this cast. Tsuruga-san, I’m dying to know, has Mogami-san always captivated you, or have you two developed such a wonderful relationship for a different reason?”

For a half second, Ren stopped breathing and his eyes widened in shock. The miniscule reactions were his only tell, fortunately, and he smoothly transitioned into his trademark media smile. 

“Apologies, but I’m not quite sure I understand the question?” Ren’s voice came out as smoothly as ever, and he breathed a sigh of relief. God, where did this even come from??!

If the interviewer’s smile became more shark-like, Ren was positive he was imagining it. “Well Momose-san compared your behind-the-scenes antics to that of a manzai duo, I confess I am intrigued. You’ve never really been one for comedy such as that, as far as we the public know, so is it Kyoko-san’s influence, or are you two just that comfortable with each other?”

Ren attempted to control his urge to clench his fists in frustration but replied, “Ah, that’s a bit of humorous take from Momose-san, I’m sure. We’re just from the same company is all, so we know each other from meeting at the office on occasion.”

Kyoko was nodding along a bit too frantically, “Ah, yes! Tsuruga-san and I have just come across each other on occasion at the office. Other than working on Dark Moon together, we don’t have too much else in common.”

“Hmm, how surprising, and Momose-san mentioned that you had to vouch for Mogami-san here at the beginning of production, Tsuruga-san. Can you explain that a little more? What gave you that confidence?”

Ren suppressed his want to reach out to settle Kyoko’s slightly bouncing knee. This interviewer had definitely gotten off track some, perhaps he could manage to wrangle it back on course to soothe Kyoko’s nerves a little.

“It’s quite simple really. There were concerns Kyoko-san didn’t have enough experience for such a vital role. However, the director was positive she was right for the job, and I know our company president had vouched for this production, and what little I had known at the time of Kyoko-san’s professionalism were all enough for me to have that confidence.” He risked sending Kyoko a reassuring smile which did seem to settle the bouncing knee.

Kyoko smiled back up in return before turning her gaze back to the interviewer, “Really, it was only with all of my costars’ faith and help that I managed to create a Mio I was proud of.”

Promptly diverted by this part of the topic, the interviewer returned to the normal questioning about the production process. Ren let out a sigh of relief, Thank God. You need to cool it Kuon. Ren, with his temper now controlled, began to rebuild his character defenses but still felt the looming threat of Kuon’s fury.

After the interview Yashiro shot Ren an unimpressed look that got his hackles up. “What Yashiro-san?”

Yashiro sighed and shook his head, “Honestly Ren, all of this could very easily have been avoided. I know you know that. I’ve told you. The president’s told you. Be careful. This role you currently have is making you slip up. The rest of the people here might not have noticed how angry you were throughout that entire interview, but Kyoko-chan and I have noticed your temper all evening. I’m sure the president, were he here, would have as well.”

Ren’s jaw muscle jumped as he clenched his teeth before replying, “I can handle it. And besides, that interviewer just got some fluff about cast dynamics. It’ll be a hit. While I understand your concerns, my issues don’t ever interfere with my work. I don’t let them.”

(Ren will come to regret those words later.)

2. Guam; Tsuruga-san on the Day of Kyoko’s Departure

Ren was very quietly basking in how he and Kyoko were able to talk somewhat normally. She might have been scolding him about eating but after all that had occurred here in Guam, he could only feel relief that she was talking to him. That she was talking to him at all after the way he’d treated her throughout the past weeks was a miracle in his opinion. But, he had a niggling guilty feeling he didn’t think he could keep his silence about.

“Mogami-san,” Ren interrupted her mid-rant hesitantly, “I appreciate that you want to make sure I’m eating while I finish up here. But-”

He quieted for long enough that Kyoko cocked her head to the side, “Tsuruga-san?”

He raised his head to shoot her a faint smile, “I just really wanted to apologize.”

“Tsuruga-san? I’m not sure what you mean?”

Ren took a deep breath, “My behavior as Cain and BJ has been the cause of an inordinate amount of issues for you.”

Growing increasingly alarmed at this unexpected turn of events, Kyoko started to say, “Tsuruga-san, please don’t-!”

“Please let me finish. I have caused you a great deal of issues in the past weeks. I recognize that I have had difficulty with this task. I’ve been overly possessive, overly aggressive, and have broken character several times.” He paused for a second trying to control his embarrassment but then continued.

“I am but a man. I make mistakes. That you have had the patience and fortitude to put up with it is amazing and you have my everlasting gratitude.” To better accent this, Ren gave her a partial bow in the traditional style she preferred. Straightening back up, he caught sight of her very red face and the fingers she twisted nervously in her lap. ‘My God, but she’s so adorable she leaves me breathless’. 

“Please look at me Mogami-san.” She shyly started looking up but had to duck her eyes again as she saw his dazzling smile. 

“Please never forget how amazing you are Mogami-san. Of your own willpower and grace, you have made it through this very trying task of ours. I am not exaggerating when I acknowledge how wonderful you were at that.” 

“Tsuruga-san, please, I do appreciate this, really, but please stop talking.” Kyoko had to bury her face in her hands to calm down for a minute or two. Then, once she felt she could, she turned her gaze back to him. 

“I have only been able to do this because of your support. As a fellow actor, you constantly push me to be better. I had to do my best. I had to. Do you get it?”

Ren, now relieved he was able to apologize well enough, shot her another smile. “That is indeed quite the praise coming from you. Thank you again.”

(Once his door is shut after seeing her off a little while later, Ren will take a deep breath, straighten his backbone and swear to not disappoint her.)

3. Lory & the Box’R Incident

Ren let out a frustrated sigh in his Cain getup as he followed Ten-san into Lory’s office, “I thought we’d decided to not have me do promo work for Tragic Marker? For the mystery?” 

Lory, finishing up a phone call, just waved them further into the office, “Don’t worry about it Director-san, I’ll arrange transportation for her. Thanks for the notice, you can be at ease now.”

He finished up his goodbyes and then turned to Ren, “I know, I know, but things change. Don’t worry, it’s still all hush hush. The movie’s studio marketing team just wanted some stills just in case it became necessary. However I do need to come with you to hammer out details, so please follow me out.” Miss Woods waved them off as Lory and Ren strode out to a waiting car, attempting to be as unobtrusive as possible.

“The studio should be set up by the time we get there, no worries. I know you and Yashiro-san are on a tight schedule. I just happen to need to kill two birds with one stone.” Lory remarked cheerfully while on the way to the studio. Ren sighed and shook his head but kept his thoughts to himself as they reached their destination. 

They walked through the building, heading towards Tragic Marker’s marketing and publicity office, but Lory became distracted by a hallway marked off and labeled as “Box'R Shooting”. Ren shot Lory a suspicious glance but Lory ignored him and ducked into the hallway.

“Director Anna, what seems to be the hold up here?” The Box’R director whipped around in surprise as he saw Lory Takarada approach him on his set. Motioning for his Assistant Director to take over, the director met him halfway. 

“Takarada-sama! I’m so sorry to interrupt your day!” 

Lory put a finger to his mouth to motion for a quieter tone of voice. “I’m going for secrecy and the element of surprise today. I confess, once you had called me about about her needing a ride tonight, I’d been curious to see what my talent had been doing. She’s a bit of a pet project for me. This was a good excuse for me to check it out.”

As Lory settled into a chair next to him, the director leaned back in his own and happened to catch sight of an intimidating figure cloaked in ragged black clothing. He paused for a moment, and then decided not to ask. Company presidents such as these tended to be…eccentric to say the least. 

He turned his attention back to LME’s president. “Well, Kyoko-chan is doing decently at the moment. But in this scene I’m trying to capture a certain dynamic. Natsu’s supposed to be more possessive of Rumi-chan’s character here as Rumi-chan is trying to tell a boy she likes him, but maybe Kyoko-chan is unused to feeling possessive of toys because she’s not quite capturing that air.” The director paused a moment to eye the cloaked figure again as he could have sworn he heard a faint chuckle come from that direction. 

Lory spoke up, “Let me see if I follow, the boy there is who is being confessed to, and Natsu is supposed to come across the scene and then perhaps interrupt because she doesn’t want Rumi-chan’s character to pay attention to someone else? She’s used to always being able to play with her whenever she likes? That kind of thing?”

“Something like that. We’re working on different takes as most of of the blocking is improvised by Kyoko-chan so we get more natural reactions to her bullying by everyone else around her. It’s somewhat experimental on my end, for sure. But Natsu is the spark everyone else needs to react against. So, unfortunately for this scene in particular, until I get what I’m looking for in her, we’re not gonna get the right reaction from everyone else.”

Ren, situated behind Lory and leaning against the wall of the studio, was people watching. He wondered if anybody had some cigarettes and maybe a lighter. He could really use a smoke break. Yashiro-san has been so thoughtful to rearrange his schedule as this had come up and he had such a limited window of time before he had to return to the shooting in Guam. But now they were probably going to be late to his final dinner meeting because the president had yet again gotten distracted and dragged him along in his wake.

He sighed. At least he got to watch Kyoko work. He so very rarely got the chance to watch her in her element without a running commentary by Yashiro-san. It was quite a wonderful thing to experience. His gaze zeroed in on the young man and woman near Kyoko. ‘Her costars I imagine. But what’s that boy doing?’

He straightened up a little and looked closer. He might have been imagining it, but the boy kept touching Kyoko’s arm to get her attention. He frowned. But then it happened again. His frown deepened as Kyoko made more of an effort to step back out of the boy’s space and physically focus her attention more on what the crew was saying. The movement seemed almost unconsciously done. As if she’d had to do it before.

Ren was momentarily distracted by a tech crew member stepping off the set and patting his left jacket pocket. ‘Ah, bingo, some smokes’. He waited for the crew member to get a little closer to where he was at before he stepped towards him. ‘Discreet and quiet, yes I am paying attention to your instructions Boss, but also, I could use a smoke break’. 

“Hey, do you mind if I bum a light and cigarette off ya?” Ren made sure to speak in Cain’s deeper and huskier voice but with an effort to be polite and quiet. The crew member was startled to be approached by such a figure but soon relaxed and handed them over. Ren nodded in thanks and turned back to eye the contained chaos that was the set, making sure to keep track of where Kyoko was. 

Lory watched idly as crew and the cast members rearranged things for another run through, turning a few thoughts over in his head. Possessiveness huh…he mused and then smiled. “Director Anna, I may have an idea for you. Have you cleared people’s schedules this evening? Would I be imposing upon your schedule too much if you indulge me in this?”

“I would really appreciate it, actually. This may be out of my reach if I’m just not communicating well,” the director confessed. 

Lory turned a bit in his chair and gestured at Ren to come forward. Ren sighed mournfully but he put away the cigarette and lighter in his inner jacket pocket. 

“Boss?” 

Director Anna warily eyed the taller man and the President as he heard the English being spoken. 

“Cain, go greet your sister. She must be missing you.”

Ren froze and quietly began to panic. ‘Shit, what on earth is he thinking? Mogami-san was only comfortable because we were the Heels around people we didn’t know. How is she going to explain this?’

“Boss, I’m not sure… - “

“Please, indulge me.”

Ren sighed but straightened up and headed towards the set. ‘Maybe I should have been paying attention…’

He focused more on bringing Cain out and tuned Lory out, who was currently asking the director for the assistant director to make sure the cameras didn’t start rolling.

He faintly heard a, “It’s just a little secret project of mine after all. Can’t have anything leaked yet.” from Lory’s direction but by then he was already mostly Cain wanting to see his sister. 

Cain took a step closer to the set, trying to not grab too much attention as he tried to sneak a little closer to his sister. He was somewhat successful and got only a few odd looks before he made it close enough.

“Setsu.” His voice came out as a command. 

Kyoko stilled, heart in her throat as Natsu flew away from her by virtue of one simple word. In the next heartbeat she was Setsu. Setsu, who hadn’t seen her brother in what seemed like so long and desperately missed that voice. She started looking around, thoroughly distracting the people around her. 

Rumi-chan, having caught sight of Kyoko’s face changing, was rather surprised. This caught the attention of her co-star Aoki-kun. They both turned to follow where Kyoko was going. 

“Big brother?” Setsu’s brother suddenly seemed to appear in her line of vision. She quickly stepped off the set and headed towards him.

“Big brother! Aren’t you supposed to be working?” 

Cain shrugged, opening up his arms to get a hug, “I was lonely without you. Didn’t you miss me too?” His face started sliding into puppy-dog eyes the longer Setsu stood still. 

Kyoko wasn’t too terribly surprised as Cain often acted like this but at the same time she was attempting to corral Setsu’s feelings as they were in public. Ultimately, the puppy dog eyes won out. Kyoko blushed but stepped into his waiting arms. ‘So warm…’she sighed gratefully.

“Of course I missed you. Anytime I’m not with you is the worst time of my life.” Setsu murmured.

Cain patted her head and smiled gently, “Also, I’m missing my lighter. Did you take it with you?”

She stepped back, hands on her hips, “Why on earth wouldn’t you just buy another one?”

The puppy dog look was back, “But you picked that one out.”

Setsu stomped her foot in exasperation, “Fine, fine. But if I check that pocket, and it’s there, you’re never living this down.”

Rumi-chan, Aoki-kun and the onlookers were utterly flabbergasted at the behavior, the language, and the now apparent lack of respect for personal space of these two individuals.

“Um, Rumi-chan, who is that? Why are they speaking English?!” Aoki-kun whispered to Rumi.

“Rumi-chan has no idea…” And then she blushed as Kyoko started opening the other man’s jacket and appeared to be searching the pocket for something. ‘So forward! Why isn’t she intimidated by him? So amazing!’

“This is so rude! We’re in the middle of a job!” Aoki-kun was no longer whispering. A couple of crew members overheard but motioned to where the director was sitting and watching.

“I don’t think the director cares actually…” Aoki huffed at the crew member’s sidebar to him.

“Cain! Honestly, you’re never living this down! You have it right here!” Setsu shook her head at her brother as she produced the lighter and cigarette.

Cain just shrugged and smiled, “Wanna join me for a smoke?”

Setsu raised an eyebrow, “You never let me smoke with you, even though I’ve been doing it for ages. You don’t want your precious sister near that nasty stuff is what I believe you’ve said.”

Cain’s eyes flicked to something behind her as he moved in closer, “But I miss you. Don’t you want to spend time with me?” He placed a proprietary hand on her hip as he stepped nearer to her. Kyoko felt a thrill go up her spine as she felt his body heat.

“Well…, I haven’t had a break yet, so I don’t see why not.” She cast her gaze downward shyly as she tucked a couple fingers into his coat’s outer pocket.

At this point in time, Aoki had had about enough, “Hey! We’re kind of busy here! Why don’t you go wait til we’re done?”

The snarl that came across Cain’s face as he tucked Setsu closer to him frightened Aoki-kun out of his wits enough to stop speaking. Kyoko whipped her head around and shot him her murderous Setsu glare.

In Japanese, she snapped back angrily, “Don’t you dare be so rude to my nii-san! You’re not even worthy to breathe the same air as he, you trumped up toad!” Kyoko had to bite back other angry words but really, Aoki-kun’s lack of respect for personal space had irritated her one too many times today and she relished in indulging Setsu’s anger.

Aoki’s face turned bright red but he stormed away. Rumi-chan looked between his retreating back to the two scarier individuals in front of her. She timidly tried to speak up, “Um, Kyoko-san. I’m not sure what’s going on, but would you like to uh, introduce your nii-san to the rest of us?” 

In her ear she heard Cain mutter, “Ugh, just like the rodent.”

Setsu’s eyes blazed in remembered anger. Kyoko tried to control it but it came out anyway. She sneered back in response, “Certainly not! This is my nii-san! He only cares about me and I only care about him!”

She turned on her heel, grabbed Cain’s hand and tossed over her shoulder, “I’m taking a break!” The delighted smile Cain wore on his face as she did this very much disturbed the crowd of onlookers, who were making no secret of the fact that they were fascinated by these turn of events. Kyoko went to continue stomping out but then heard a deep voice ring out:

“Cut!!”   

Cain promptly stopped their exit, dragging Setsu to a stop as well. Kyoko felt her blood slowly turn to ice in her veins as she recognized that voice. She was immediately horrified at her behavior. She swung around to face the president’s direction and bowed deeply.

“I am so sorry president! Director Anna! I meant no disrespect!”

She was astonished to hear a deep laugh, “No worries at all Kyoko-chan. Director Anna was just indulging in an idea of mine!” He faced the director, “Do you see?”

Director Anna was simply stunned into nodding dumbly. Lory clapped his hands enthusiastically, “Very well done, all around!” 

Ren shot Kyoko a small but reassuring smile. Kyoko sagged in relief. ‘Just another crazy bit of hijinx by the president. Thank the heavens’. She caught Ren’s eye again and tilted her head in question. In return, he held a finger to his lips and mouthed to her, “Talk later?” 

She smiled brightly and nodded her assurance. She hadn’t even thought she’d be able to see him so soon. Maybe talk to him on the phone, but not actually see him until he returned from Guam for good. Oh she could hardly contain her excitement.

Lory clapped a hand onto the director’s shoulder as he stood up, ‘Well Director-san, I believe I’m needed elsewhere, I hope this was helpful.”

The director continued to nod in a bit of a dazed fashion. Lory let out another laugh and gestured for Ren to follow him back out. Ren bowed to the Box’R cast and crew and smiled, then turned to follow Lory. 

He stopped once as he couldn’t resist the urge to ruffle Kyoko’s hair. After smiling at her once more and getting one in return, Ren continued on. Unfortunately, as he was exiting, he also caught sight of the young man from earlier. Ren allowed another snarl to cross his face. The boy seemed both infuriated and terrified. ‘Good, he deserves it. Disrespectful whelp’. Lory turned at the doorway of the studio to check if Ren was following him, but by then Ren’s trademark sunny smile was already back in place.

Lory rolled his eyes, “You ain’t foolin no one boy.”

“Yes Boss.”

(When Kyoko and Ren next talk on their ride home that evening, she will delightedly tell him about how she nailed her scene in the very next run through. He will smile and ruffle her hair.)

4. Morizumi-san & the Day of Kyoko’s Audition

Morizumi had been berating Kyoko for sometime in between breaks of this audition as other actresses went through the reaction test. Kyoko had just stepped out to get some air after the intensity of her own, but she was doomed to have the girl follow her out. Boy did spoiled brats grind her gears. She attempted to keep quiet and withstand this most recent, and bewildering behavior, in an effort to keep professional. 

Erika-san was depending on her to make it through. And Kyoko felt she had to so she could do this role justice. And naturally, she very badly wanted to act with Moko-san. Come on girl, this’ll be worth it later! Her half-hearted attempts at pepping herself up seemed weak in comparison to the rant of one Morizumi-san.

At the same time, Ren, having returned finally from Guam and the shooting of Tragic Marker, had had a little bird (Yashiro, it was Yashiro), tell him where he could find Kyoko. He may have been a little bit unreasonably excited to see her. But finally, he’d have the time to take her out for White Day now that TraMa was done shooting. He couldn’t wait to ask her.

He pulled onto the location set, hoping he could have Yashiro just bring her out so he could ask her without causing too much of a hassle for the other people on set. He pulled onto the ditch of the road, and parked his car offset and out of the way. Stepping out of the car, he meandered up to the nearest building but caught a voice coming around the other side of the building. 

He went unnoticed enough that he caught the tail end of some harsh words. He frowned and peeked around the corner. The surprise turned quickly to a softly simmering anger as he saw a woman berating Kyoko. He quickly disregarded the woman’s disdain and gently tried to catch Kyoko’s attention, “Mogami-san, how is everything going?”

Kyoko, utterly shocked at his appearance, was stopped from answering as Morizumi immediately recognized Ren. Completely distracted from her rant, she latched onto his arm excitedly, and reintroduced herself as a previous costar.

Ren threw a partially concealed smirk to Kyoko, who appeared slightly startled by it, and said as a sidebar to Morizumi’s inane chattering, in English, “Emmental?” 

Kyoko quickly hid a snicker. Morizumi looked between them, confused. But she knew she’d just been made fun of even if she couldn’t figure out how. 

She replied angrily in the same language, “Excuse me?!” She stepped back from Ren, frowned and added in Japanese, “I would never have expected such rudeness from you Tsuruga-san.”

Ren switched to his more gentlemanly manner and smile, not letting his anger show, (even as Kyoko’s grudge’s started peeking out and happily gazed at his look) and softly remarked, “Nor I you, Morizumi-san, what on earth could my kouhai have done to you to deserve such vitriol?”  

Morizumi, embarrassed at the call-out, stepped back and let go of his arm. She had no appropriate response and so turned and hurried back inside, with one parting shot, “Mogami-san, don’t expect to win this, I have it locked down.” 

Kyoko’s brow furrowed as she withstood the sense of irritation that flared up inside at that.

Ren stepped closer to her as he put a hand on his hip and sighed, “It is unfortunate, but sometimes nepotism gets people quite far in this industry. I’m sure this is tough for you Mogami-san, but please don’t give up. Your Momiji will be worth the trials it’ll take to make her a success.”

Kyoko smiled up at him, “I appreciate that very much Tsuruga-san, it seems you always know just what to say. You and Moko-san and Yashiro-san. You’re all rooting for me. I promise I won’t let you down!” 

Ren shot her an indulgent smile and ruffled her hair, “You definitely won’t, but also, I did come here for another reason besides this.”

Kyoko batted away his hand. “Tsuruga-san, you’re slipping into nii-san. Please be more careful.”

Ren smothered his frustration and tried again. “Mogaaaami-san. I’m back two whole days early and you haven’t even said ‘welcome back’ to me yet. Is that how you’re supposed to treat an honored sempai?”

“We-Welcome back!” Kyoko stuttered with a red face as she bowed in greeting. Suddenly, she popped back upright, “Tsuruga-san, why are you back early?”

“Oh things were completed quicker than expected. It’s actually just that boring of a thing. But, more importantly, I’ve had to wait until shooting has been completed due to time constraints to ask this. I wanted to treat you to dinner for your return gift. You were so considerate in my gift I’m obligated to return the favor. What do you say? When would you be free?” 

Kyoko was not quite recovered from her first bout with embarrassment and she struggled painfully with cramming all of her emotions into a mask of neutrality. 

“Ahhhh… that’s a good question. Yashiro-san would know my schedule better than I do I believe…”

Ren smiled and urged her with a hand on her waist to go ahead of him back into the building, “Let’s go find him then, shall we?”

Kyoko was attempting to survive her acute embarrassment at his courteousness as she searched for Yashiro once they entered. “So, shooting went well? No one, um, bothered you too much?”

Ren gazed down at her fondly, “No, nothing like that happened. Everyone made sure to keep their distance. I’m sure the director helped with that.”

Kyoko smiled weakly back up at him and was rather relieved to pick Yashiro out of the other people in the lobby in that next instant. She waved him over once she caught his eye while Ren tried to not stand out too much.

Yashiro hurried over, “Ren! We didn’t expect you back so soon!”

“Yes, it’s quite nice to finish ahead of schedule. Now then, I need to take up some of Mogami-san’s time. When is she next free?” 

Yashiro was a little startled at his forwardness but quickly opened up his planner, “Well, let’s see here, ah, perhaps tomorrow evening? She seems to be free after seven it looks like.”

“Excellent! Where shall I pick you up at Mogami-san?”

“Eh heh…ah, perhaps just LME? I think I’ll be coming from a meeting about a commercial?” Kyoko was now willing herself to make it through this encounter on straight politeness. ‘Really Tsuruga-san, you’ll give a girl ideas. That’s dangerous didn’t you know’.

“I quite appreciate you helping me out with this Mogami-san. I do so hope you wear your Princess Rosa. This is supposed to be fun after all. She should be there with you.”

Kyoko shot him a confused look at his enthusiasm and effusiveness, “I will make sure to do so Tsuruga-san.”

Ren stuffed his hands into his pockets to make them behave, “Well then I leave you two to it. I’m headed home for some much needed sleep.” He turned to walk away but did not get very far.

“Tsuruga-san.

He tilted his head back to look at Kyoko, “Yes?”

“I expect to see videos tomorrow. Please don’t forget to eat tonight also.”

He shot her the smile that her grudges wailed about, “As you wish Mogami-san. As I’ve said, no matter how odd it sounds, if it’s from you, I will obey.” He bowed slightly and made it out the exit before she could respond.

(Kyoko in fact, will not be able to answer, as Yashiro will be squealing too loudly for her to hear herself think anything else other than, ‘damn that man and his playboy ways’.)

5. Of a Date that is Definitely not a Date but an Obligation

“Director Kurosaki!” Kyoko stopped short right in the doorway of the meeting room. 

“Kyoko-san. Nice to see you again. How have things been?” The director stood and offered a slight bow that Kyoko returned. 

“Oh, not bad. Busier now than they used to be.”

Kurosaki chuckled,”I’m sure, please, have a seat. The marketing execs for this company just pulled me in today and I decided to come along to the meeting to get a feel for everything. Also, I thought it might be a good idea to have someone in on this that’s rather familiar with how you work already.”

Kyoko bowed to the rest of people at the table and hurried into a seat so as not to keep them waiting. Kurosaki’s silence seemed to prompt an older gentleman to start speaking. 

“Thank you for meeting with us Kyoko-san. We’re very happy you’ve accepted our proposal. Our team first noticed you as Mio and we were eagerly looking forward to your next big role. When Box'R began airing, our dear assistant here immediately recognized you even with how different you looked. After that, we simply had to put this offer forward to you.”

Kyoko swept her gaze in the direction of said assistant and saw a shy looking young lady who peeked up at her, blushed, and then turned her gaze away again. Kyoko almost forgot her surprise at his words so amusing was the reaction. Kyoko spoke up. 

“I’m quite pleased my work is getting recognition. Thank you very much sir.”

“Please, you can call me Sakichi-san, everyone else does.” 

The last couple of people in the group then introduced themselves and they quickly delved into what they had planned out so far.

Sakichi-san folded his hands as he excitedly leaned forward, “So I really want you as part of our group of style models, so that’s what I’m planning long term for this company. The ultimate decision will be based on how well this commercial deal pans out. But, Saishi Style is quite interested in having this pan out long-term.”

Kyoko tried her best to calm down her rising excitement so she kept her professional air. This offer was sounding better and better by the minute. She nodded thoughtfully as Sakichi-san continued laying out his ideas while Kurosaki began jumping in with some of his own. 

So diverted did the small team become while discussing ideas of the style of commercial that they lost track of time. Which, on any other day, wouldn’t have been a problem. … Ren had had a full eight hours sleep for the first time since he couldn’t even remember when. He woke up the day after returning from Guam feeling refreshed, and a bit befuddled. Then he remembered the day before and what he had planned for that night. It was that thought that woke him all the way up in the middle of brushing his teeth. ‘Ah, shit, forgot to set up a quiet corner at Narisawa’s where we won’t be noticed’. 

He hurried to finish getting ready for the day so he could call up his current favorite restaurant to see if he couldn’t make reservations for that night. Once that was done he decided to relax until he had to pick up Kyoko and just flipped on the television to see what he’d had recorded. Box’R was on the list and he had to chuckle as remembered their escapade under Lory’s direction. Although, now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure he’d never gotten the full story of that disrespectful boy out of Kyoko. ‘Well, doesn’t matter at the moment’, he pushed that train of thought away as decided to turn the show on. He could always ask that evening. … Ren checked his watch again. It was pushing a quarter after seven. He very rarely knew Kyoko to be late. Unless she’d been held up somewhere. He straightened up from where he’d been leaning against the LME lobby wall and decided to go searching. They had a reservation after all. He knocked slightly against the door of Sawara’s office to get his attention once he got there. 

“Sawara-san, I apologize if I’m interrupting, but I’m looking for Mogami-san.”

Sawara’s eyebrows raised at that but he checked the time and when he saw how late it’d gotten he raised himself up from behind his desk.  

“You’re fine Tsuruga-san, it looks like the meeting is just running behind. I’ll go let them know.”

Ren waved him back down, “It’s alright, she’s expecting me as we had an appointment. I can go and get her. No need for us to further interrupt your work.”

Sawara smiled gratefully, he’d been almost done with the last ream of paperwork. 

“I appreciate that. She’s actually just down the hall, third door on the left.”

Ren nodded in thanks as he left. Attempting to not be too disruptive, he quietly knocked on the door in question. Typically, assistants were close enough to hear that and would peek out to see what was up. 

Indeed, Ren was in luck and the door opened slightly. The assistant’s eyes widened to see who knocked. 

“Tsuruga-san! Ho-how may we help you?” She stuttered. 

Ren gestured for her to come a little closer so he could be not too loud or distracting to the group inside. 

“Mogami-san and I have an appointment we need to keep” He spoke quietly, “Will you please let her know the time?”

The assistant nodded and closed the door again. She turned and swiftly walked to where Kyoko sat chatting with Director Kurosaki. She tapped on her shoulder and leaned down to whisper. 

“Tsuruga-san is outside Mogami-san. He says you have an appointment to keep?” 

Kurosaki and his assistant then had the privilege of witnessing a very red-faced Mogami-san make her apologies about needing to go at the same time as insisting that yes, she really needed to leave right then. Rather amused at the flustered behavior, Kurosaki watched the door shut behind her and swiftly stood up to peek outside to see what she’d had to leave for. 

He was not prepared to see the infamous Tsuruga-san, heartbreaker extraordinaire, smiling indulgently down at a very embarrassed-sounding Kyoko making heartfelt apologies.

“Mogami-san, you don’t have to keep apologizing. We’ll be able to leave in plenty of time to meet our reservation time. And besides, Narisawa isn’t the kind of place to blacklist you for something so silly.” Kurosaki was amazed to see Kyoko let him tuck a fly away bit of hair behind her ear. “Now then, we need to stop by Ten-san’s first. Please keep up.” Kurosaki, still dumbfounded by this behavior, watched as they walked away. 

He stirred when he felt his assistant at his elbow, “Kurosaki-san, are they dating?” 

“Maybe?” Kurosaki slipped his phone out his pocket and shot a text off to a buddy. ‘Hey, Shin-kun, Narisawa’s tonight. My treat.’ He had the sudden urge to satisfy his curiosity. …. “Why are we going to Ten-san’s? Kyoko asked as she hurried behind Ren’s larger stride. 

He laughed a little and then said, “She wanted to treat you in return for her gift, and we thought you’d like it after a hard day’s work.”

“Oh, well, thank you very much for thinking of me.” 

Ren pushed open Ten-san’s door as he replied, “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Ren-kun! Kyoko-chan! Wonderful to see you again!” Ten directed Kyoko to a closet further inside her work area. “Come along, and Ren, wait out here.”

Ren waited patiently, amused by the excited squealing of Kyoko inside as she got to watch Ten work. About fifteen minutes later Ten-san stepped back out and presented a much more refreshed looking and fashionable Kyoko. Ren watched fondly as she bowed her thanks several times over before coming back to Ren’s side so they could leave. 

Ren placed a hand at her waist to escort her back out to his car. “And do you feel fashionably beautiful now Mogami-san? Because you certainly look it.”

Kyoko ducked her head, embarrassed at the compliment, but quietly affirmed that yes she did. The sooner Tsuruga-san could get the compliment out of the way the less on guard she had to be about it. 

It was a mostly quiet car ride as Kyoko attempted to settle her nerves and shore up her defenses. Ren looked over at her a couple of times trying to gauge her mood but let her relax a little. He didn’t want her uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a relaxing and enjoyable evening. 

By the time Ren was escorting her in with a hand on her waist into the restaurant, she was almost used to him doing so. The host, as soon as they walked in, made sure to swiftly seat them at an out of the way corner table. 

“The chef will be out shortly Tsuruga-san, we know you wanted to keep a low-profile so he will come to you. May I take a drink order?” The host asked as Ren and Kyoko seated themselves.  

“I’d like a bottle of moscato, whichever the chef thinks would be best.” Ren replied. 

Kyoko fidgeted a bit trying to decide but eventually just asked for a water. The host bowed and left them to it. They waited a little bit longer in silence before the host returned and then whisked himself away again. Confident that he had a little time before the chef could tear himself away, Ren decided to speak up. 

“How was your meeting?”

“Both exciting and rather simple. Exciting for the potential, but a simple scheduling and production planning meeting.” Kyoko sent him a small smile that he returned before he caught sight of the chef headed towards them. 

The chef introduced himself and Ren turned to Kyoko and said, “Do you trust me to order? This is one of my favorite places.”

The chef beamed to hear the compliment and Kyoko felt she shouldn’t say no after that, even as suspicious as she was about Ren having a favorite place to eat, and so nodded her assent. Once the order was placed Ren turned back to Kyoko and decided to lob the hard ball right off the bat. 

“Mogami-san, I’ve been meaning to ask, why do we not discuss things as we used to?”

Blinking rapidly, Kyoko responded hesitantly, “I’m sorry?” 

“I told you how I felt your last day in Guam. That I really, truly appreciate all you do for me. Why, when I ask to reciprocate that support, can I not get that same regard from you?”

Kyoko quietly began to panic, “Um Tsuruga-san, I surely could never impose on you like that. You’re my respected sempai who has already helped me so much on work matters. I couldn’t possibly impose further. It’d be disrespectful.”

Ren frowned as he drummed his fingers on the table. “I’m afraid we’re having a miscommunication here. I have asked you a few times in the past couple weeks to let me be able to return the support you have shown me. Is it not more disrespectful to continue to disregard my feelings on this? You’re leaving me in a state that takes advantage of your emotional support without me being able to do that in return.”

Kyoko was stunned into silence as she contemplated this. Ren continued.  

“I would not bring it up, however, this is a distinct change in attitude from how we used to be free to discuss things as we pleased. I’m not going to demand to be able to help you as you need, but I do demand the respect of you at least telling me why this has changed. Have I truly caused so many issues for you that you decided that this relationship wasn’t worth the emotional support we gained from being friends?”

Kyoko almost couldn’t believe her ears. Not only had her efforts to have a more walled off self been disrespectful, but she was actively hurting Ren’s feelings. This was the worst scenario possible. 

“Tsuruga-san, I do apologize. I had not realized how I had been behaving. I could not tell you how or where or why it began, but if you truly consider us friends, I will do my utmost to treasure you as not only a respected sempai but also as a friend.” 

Ren, having released some of his pent-up frustration, gently smiled at her downturned head. “Please look at me Mogami-san.” She shyly raised her gaze. “I consider you one of my best and truest friends. Please don’t forget that.”

Kyoko blushed at the compliment, (and she feared that she’d never really be not embarrassed around him by this point) but she smiled back at him, “I promise I won’t Tsuruga-san.”

“That’s all I ask for. Now, what have you been up to recently?” The conversation soon turned to lighter topics. (Kyoko had done quite well in school recently and was quite proud. Ren found it adorable.) But then they were soon distracted by being served their meal.

“This is so good Tsuruga-san, thank you!” Kyoko was delighted by the taste of her beef dish. 

“I’m glad I have your trust in this aspect of my eating habits at least,” he teased. Kyoko shot him a look and promptly held out her hand. 

“Speaking of, your phone please.”

“Yes ma'am.” He snickered and happily turned it over to her. As she watched his videos, he cast his eyes about the restaurant. He’d planned for it to be a later dinner as it was a weeknight and he thought it might be less busy. It seemed he was in luck again. He saw maybe a couple groups of diners near him so there would be few public witnesses to this. 

He rummaged in his coat pocket for the jewelry box he’d stashed in it. As he heard Kyoko finishing up the last video he pushed the long box across the table. Startled, she gazed down at it in disbelief. 

“Tsuruga-san, you didn’t.” He whistled innocently as outrage began to cross her face.

“Tsuruga-san!” 

“Tusuruga-!“ He leaned forward and covered her mouth with his hand as her outrage made her voice start to get louder. 

“We can do this the hard way, or we can do it the easy, less public way. What do you say?” he had to grin at the fire that blazed in her eyes as she remembered where they were. ‘My God do I love a woman with a temper.’ Trying to tuck his urge to tease away, he continued, “This is truly what I got you as a gift. I just used the dinner as an excuse to get to spend time with you not discussing work.”

Kyoko’s eyes widened over his hand. She quickly slipped her hand over his to tug it off her mouth. “Tsuruga-san!”

“Words other than you calling my name please, Mogami-san.” The urge to tease was definitely winning. 

After a bit more huffing Kyoko finally ground out the words, “How do you possibly think I can accept this after everything else you’ve done for me today?”

“May I ask you instead, why do you feel unable to do so?”

Kyoko stared for a second, “Because you already did so much for me.”

Ren smiled, “Please, do you think you could list what specifically I did?”

“Well, you set this all up with the chef, and the restaurant. You and Ten-san made me look nice. You picked me up, when I was late, and drove me.”

“To elaborate, anyone can call this establishment and ask for that. That’s nothing special. Ten-san had been wanting to dress you up just for fun for a while. Because you treat her well and she wanted to return that regard. As I asked you a favor to meet with me tonight, I would naturally take care of the expenses and arranging to get you there and back. It’s only polite. Now what in this list of things have you deemed as something of so high value that you won’t let me give you your actual gift?”

Kyoko, throughout Ren’s speech, had wilted further and further into her chair. “You are cruel today Tsuruga-san.”

Ren eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I fail to see how refusing to allow your excessive inferiority complex affect actual social convention is cruel Mogami-san.”

“Was this all just an excuse for you to lambast me for my behavior?”

“Mogami-san, please, would you open your gift?”

“Answer me Tsuruga-san. I think I deserve that much.”

Ren groaned and rubbed at the crease this discussion was causing to appear between his eyebrows. “No Mogami-san, I did not, I apologize for giving you reason to believe that. But, as you may already be aware, I find myself not being able to control my tongue when you get me riled up”

He blew out a frustrated breath, and tried to soldier on, “To be perfectly frank, I do find your lack of acceptance of what I would to give you be it my attention, or help, or even gifts, frustrating. You seem to be able to accept these things from your other friends with little resistance. Can you see where I’m coming from?“

Kyoko picked at her food, shifted her gaze back to the box, and then back up to his worried face. He might have had a point there about that. He may have seen it as going back on her promise of considering him a friend. Friends had certain privileges, she knew that very well. She stuffed back her grumpiness and reached out to take the box. 

She was glad to see Ren’s face clear up at the action. She flipped open the lid and promptly dropped it back down on the table once she saw what was inside. 

“Tsuruga-san!“

With a voice heavy with irony, he leaned over the table and mimicked, “Mogami-san!”

Letting out a faint groan she let the back of her chair catch her exasperated self. Ren chuckled a bit to see such a dramatic thing come out of the typically reserved Mogami-san. He risked taking her hand and pulling it closer to him. She cracked open an eye just in time to see him flip the box open and take out the bracelet inside. The delicate gems were exactly like Princess Rosa in shade and depth of color but much tinier in size as they were spread out across the chain work of the bracelet.

Ren motioned between her wrist and the bracelet, “May I?“

Kyoko, grumbled unhappily but nodded her acquiescence. She struggled mightily with containing the words she wanted to say about playboy ways. ‘He’s already explained this. This is a gift because I was thoughtful in my gift. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.’

Ren promptly blew that out of the water as he finished clasping her bracelet on her wrist by giving her hand a brief kiss. He smiled up at her as she snatched her hand back, “For your perseverance Mogami-san. Any prince will be lucky to have you.”

Kyoko sniffed as she held her hand close to her, “You know I’m not interested in that Tsuruga-san. I’m focusing on my work so I can bet the best actress I can be. So I can be the number one actress in Japan!“

Ren sent her back a fond smile, “Regardless Mogami-san, you deserve to be treated well. Don’t let any man take advantage of your pragmatic attitude and have them say that you don’t deserve to be treated the best they can treat you. That, Mogami-san, is self-respect.”

Kyoko suddenly felt incredibly, incredibly dumb and felt every bit of the naivety of her seventeen years. 

“I am so deeply sorry Tsuruga-san. Have you been trying to make that point this entire time?”

He chuckled and held up a hand, his forefinger and thumb close together, “Just a little bit.”

Kyoko felt a truly content smile spread across her face and bowed slightly in her chair in thanks, “I truly do appreciate what seems to be your neverending wisdom and patience Tsuruga-san.”

“I’m glad to hear that but more importantly. How do you like it?”

She smiled at him brightly, “I love it! It’s the perfect matching set.” She continued in the vein for some time, babbling about beauty and grace and fairies galore. Ren could only smile at her indulgently behind his glass of wine.

Two tables ahead of them and to the right, Shingai-san, Kurosaki’s buddy and sempai from their college's motion picture program, turned away from the couple’s table and could only say to Kurosaki’s smug face, “Damn. I guess I owe you that thousand yen.”

(When Kyoko wakes up in the morning she will first see her bracelet and necklace. It will leave her with a smile for the rest of the day.)

~Fin

A/N: Any feedback is welcome! Thank you everyone that participated in this week of KyokoxRen prompts. Your work inspired me throughout this week! It gave me the passion to get this completed, so thank you all. Regards, Artsy

[tishachaan]

Have you seen a tall blond bearded guy ? (Part 3)

Summary : Thalia Artemidoros, ex-Champion of Sakaar, made a deal with Loki to come help Thor when he won’t be here anymore. Why did she agreed to risk her life for a stranger ? Well, that stranger’s cute, and what wouldn’t you do to get closer to your crush ? Here’s to finding Thor before he gets himself killed !

(Written for @hollandroos Soph’s 12K Challenge <3)

Notes : First of all, thank you for your curiosity, I hope you’ll like this story ! I’ve wrote it choosing this prompt : “No, you’ll be okay, yeah? hold on for a bit longer.” Also, it’s the first time I actually write an entire story only in English (non native-speaker here, hello <3) and I ask forgiveness for my mistakes. I hope it won’t bother you too much !

Let me know what you thought about this first part !

Ps : you can also find it on Ao3 here

Wordcount : 1850

“Are you insane ? “Careful captain, my earlier threat still stands. “You are going to get us killed ! It's madness down there ! “I'm not asking you to land that damn ship in the middle of it but to wait for them to give us an entrance ! We're not fighting those things, don't worry. You're all going back to Sakaar in one piece.”

That seemed to reassure Amii'lina a bit, or maybe she simply shut up because of the harsh tone I used. The crew drew back her attention and I thought I'd be left in peace until we could enter in this strange country. However, that wasn't what Ker'i had in mind.

“They're aliens too. “Yes ? “What could have done such a small country to offend aliens ? Do we really want to know ? “I don't want to know, Ker'i, I just happen to have a quest to accomplish and it has brought me here. They're nothing more than a useful diversion. Relax. “My lady, you should not be so sure. We could not destroy the barrier, they are doing it in front of our eyes. Even if the captain we are looking for is here, what assures us he has the informations we need ? And if he is part of the battle, are you willing to risk your life and the crew to save him ? “You're scared we could attract unwanted attention from a powerful being. Am I right ?”

She only nodded, glad I finally understood. Years of fighting as an martial entertainer had made me blind of such obvious implications. I took a minute to process this information, weighing the pros and cons of adding a new enemy to my list. He or she certainly commanded a powerful army, as I could see, but I had the possibility to disappear on Sakaar and to count on the Grandmaster's protection. It was his planet, no one could came in here and bring war with them. And, if this Captain was a friend of both Thor and the Hulk, maybe joining his side could get me some bonus points.

Ker'i knew she wouldn't like my decision as soon as I opened my mouth to announce it.

“There is strength in numbers. They'll be thankful we've intervened in their favor.”

She shook her head but didn't object. She knew me for too long to believe she could make me change my mind in the heat of the moment. Perks of being my oldest bodyguard. I liked to consider her as a good friend. You grow attached to someone when you spend nearly four decades with them. I made a good choice the day I accepted her offer. Who knew being merciful would actually reward me someday ?

"I swear we'll be fine. What the worst that could happen ?"

She didn't answer, but judging by her face, she had a fair amount of ideas of that particular worst. Her cyberbrain must have been more than happy to help her sort out the chances we had against those unknown aliens. It was something I did not envy her at all : I'd much rather ignore the logical conclusions, it allowed me to defy the universe freely. When I wanted something, nothing could get in my way, not even intangible facts or calculus coming from a perfect brain.

I patted her shoulder, trying to give her also some reassurance. We made a perfect duo on the field, why should it change today ? I pushed in, she had my back. I am kind of messy with my foes, she makes sure they don't suffer uselessly on the ground. I'm opening the way, she's closing it. See ? We were complementary.

We've only had to wait a few minutes more before the barrier gave in.

I was the only one who cheered.

You learn to savor any kind of victory where I come from. They don't know how to appreciate the small things in life. Everything has to be big or they won't even notice it. I guess that's what you get from people living on Sakaar for centuries... Thankfully our Grandmaster thinks the same as me.

The ship cloaked itself and we were entering through the hole, hoping to cross the battlefield unnoticed. The crew was tensed : they had to fly near the ground to avoid projectiles while staying high enough to stay out of reach of those strange monsters who had managed to broke in. I was intrigued by them : how did they succeed to destroy it with only teeth and claws ? What race of alien were they ? And most of all, why were they set upon destroying this particular place on Earth ? Why here, in the middle of nowhere, and not the new York where they could have had much more impact ?

I shrugged and set my gaze on something else than this dark swarming mass. I frowned, noticing the beginnings of an technologically-advanced city appearing in front of us.

"Why hasn't this been detected by our sensors before ? - I coldly asked the first officer. - I thought your ship was one of the most advanced of our flotilla ? “It is, lady Artemidoros, we just-”

Contact alarms cut him off. Somehow delighted to finally get some action, I watched the crew take its fighting positions and ordered the first battery fire. We took an other direction, trying to avoid the real battle field : the crew wasn't a battle-trained one, they were all about entertainment and leisure. Even the canons were just there to impress : they had no real effect on our opponents. The Grandmaster probably didn't think we'd have to fight our way through injured or dead bodies. De facto, we moved away from the conflict's center, letting the humans face those other aliens by themselves.

It was a heavy battle, one human having to fight off at least three aliens. I was impressed by their bravery and their skills, every one of them standing their ground against the enemy. Perhaps I should bring some of them back to Sakaar, I'm sure the Grandmaster would be pleased to renew its gladiators pool. Mentioning gladiators, I scanned the field, searching for an enraged giant green beast, but nothing akin could be seen. No God of Thunder either. I pursued my lips, disappointed. Such a fight in a place where they had friends, and they were absent ? Maybe Wolverine had mistaken.

As we went further away from the blood spilling, circling nearer and nearer the city, something strange happened. A bright light blinded us, and a tremor shook our ship, leaving all our devices and engines damaged. Panic started to rise amongst the crew members : they would not respond to any commands, the ship still flew only by luck. Amii'lina sent me a murderous glance before warning her crew of the near heavy landing. I had the feeling her report would be a row of heinous observations against me and my decisions and that I would not be allowing on any of the Grandmaster'ships anytime soon. How could I have known we'd have to get through a battlefield on my quest to find the Champion ? Loki's vision had not given me any specifics informations.

Xroexxit came to me, calm and collected. I heard he had been a thief, a soldier and a assassin before joining the Grandmaster's crew. I didn't know which were true, but it gave him nerves of steel, which was satisfying in those kind of situations.

"My lady, I think you'll be pleased to learn the energy that crashed down our devices has the same signature as particularly violent thunderbolt. "He could be here ! - I exclaimed, my mood suddenly lightening. - Hurry, we have to find him before those aliens attempt to destroy him ! "You should fasten your seatbelt lady Artemidoros, the descent will be turbulent. "Try to get us as near as possible, I'd hate to lose him so close to get him. - I answered as I obeyed him, unwilling to live another traumatic experience concerning my legs. Ker'i did as well and felt the need to tell me again this was a bad idea. "Ker'i, if you ever get hurt, I'll make sure only the best engineers will heal you. You're not coming back home in pieces, I promise. "I am not concerned about me, but you. I swore to protect you, what if my body fails me and I let you meet your demise ? "Friend, you really should have more faith in me. Even the Hulk could not kill me, and it wasn't for lack of trying. Worry about the crew members if you really want to worry about someone. I'll handle myself just fine."

The ship did landed a bit heavily, but Amii’lina and her crew did an impressive job to prevent any concerning damages. As much as she get on my nerves, I have to admit she knows her art quite well. With nobody hurt, the crew started to set up the ship defenses in case of an encounter with the wrong aliens and I unfasten my seatbelt, signing to Ker’i to do the same.

I was the first one to get out, curious to see what was waiting out there. The impact of our rough landing had smashed some trees, leaving the area clear around us, but we still were in the middle of what seemed to be a forest. The weather was hot and heavy, I nearly regretted wearing my armor. I could hear distant clamors coming from the battlefield. I think we’ll have to walk a little in order to join the rest of the fighters… I turned around, waiting for Ker’i, Amii’lina and Xroexxit to come out in order to explain them my next moves. They were strangely slow.

“Something’s wrong ? - I asked, a bit concerned. It was unusual from Ker’i to not immediately be by my side whenever I moved around. “Can’t you feel it ?” - answered Xroexxit, raising one arm as if showing me something. I frowned, but before I could say anything, the first officer disintegrated in brown ashes, looking at me in disbelief.

Amii’lina screamed in fear, moving away from him as if it could contaminate her. Officers went to her, half of them disappearing before reaching her. Coming from every part of the ship, we heard surprised or desperate cries. Ker’i walked towards me and I reached to her, now worried. She would be fine, I thought or, more accurately, prayed. She always was the one who had to patch the other up in our duo. She was a cyborg, nearly machine only, it would not affect her. That strange phenomenon would not take her away. As I were to touch her hand, she vanished in the same fashion as Xroexxit. I stood there, palm closed on what was Ker’i a second before. I vaguely registered Amii’lina’s angry screams directed at me, eyes stuck on my hand.

[selenaslittletalks]

2017

It’s that time again, and I already know this one will be particularly difficult to write.

I’ll begin with last year’s resolutions:

1. Exercise more and eat healthier. This is probably as cliché as it gets.  And it’s probably one that is broken the most.  I’m getting older, and my body is deteriorating.  2. Appreciate the little things more.  I take so much for granted, and I think I need to be more appreciative of everything that happens.3. Make friends.You have like none. You should be more social and find a group of people that click with you for once.  Find friends that you share interests with.  Find friends who you’re genuinely happy to be around.  Find friends who you can be yourself around.4. Appreciate myself more and be happier. This one is going to be hard.  I know it. I’ve been trying to do this for years.  Keep working at it.  Things won’t always go your way, that’s okay.  Understand your own limitations.  Understand your greatness.  Appreciate all the good you do and stop paying so much attention to the bad. Do more of what makes you happy.  Try to do these. 

Well gee, I don’t think I did any of these. They are all however things I’d still would very much like to work on next year, so I’ll probably carry them over onto 2018, possibly with some modifications because they are pretty broad.  This year, I’m not really sure how I want to format this. I’m thinking start with the good and gradually go to the bad, then entertainment mentions, and then resolutions. Yeah, that sounds alright. The biggest thing that happened this year was I graduated college. I got my undergraduate degree in Computer Science. And honestly, I didn’t enjoy that period or milestone as much as I should have. I’ll get to why in a bit. I bought myself a Nintendo Switch this year. I’ll admit it was pretty impulsive, but I don’t regret it one bit. I haven’t owned a console since a Nintendo DS Lite, so it’s definitely been a while. It’s an amazing piece of technology. It’s portability, and ability to be docked is insane. And I’ve played probably one of my favorite games ever, Super Mario Odyssey. I love it so much. I don’t think I’ve ever had as much fun as I did playing this game. I’m looking forward to new features and titles to be released next year. 

I got my first official full time job as an associate software developer. It’s been a difficult and long journey, but I did it. Let’s get into it shall we. This year has been probably the most difficult yet. I’ve had countless nights of sobbing on the floor. Curled up, headphones in, and just bawling my eyes out. I had so many of these episodes. I even documented some of them as they were happening, and I was at my lowest point ever. I didn’t know my purpose in life. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt lost. I felt worthless. I hated myself. I didn’t want to live. It was a vicious cycle. And what’s crazy was it was all self-inflicted. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to find a job. Seeing all of my peers become successful and start their careers and lives, while I was left behind in the dust destroyed me. To cope with this, and to try to maintain what little remained of my sanity, I closed myself off from everyone and everything. I detached myself from society. In hindsight, I think that was the best thing I could do, granted I didn’t have a single person I could entrust with anything. Or a person that would understand what I was going through. And going through all of that alone forced myself to maintain focus on me and disregard any and all things others were doing. It was a terrible time, but I overcame, and learned a lot about myself, life, and the world. Right now, I don’t think I am happy. I am more so, just relieved that I am no longer caught in the vicious cycle of the job-seeking and interview process. I am just content that I have a source of income, that I am learning, and that I am moving forward, no matter how small a step it’s still toward the right direction. Did I think that once I got a job that every awful feeling would evaporate from my blood and bones? Yes, I did. And I was naive in believing that. The problem is deeper, and I’m still working at it. What I learned from all of this was that a lot of those sayings and advice that people give you are true. It’s just very difficult to live by them. Don’t compare yourself to others. Have faith and belief in yourself. You can do anything if you work hard for it. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Expectations are hardly ever the same as reality. These, and a whole slew of others applied to me. It’s insane to me, to reread some of these posts during or after some of my breakdown episodes. It’s a strange phenomenon, of being able to reflect on how awful you felt once before. And it’s amazing to see yourself in a better place, overcoming all of the treachery. I think I need to give myself a lot more credit than I do. I know I need to appreciate myself, and love myself more. Because, I am stronger than I know. Coming out of all of this proves just that. Even in those moments where I felt powerless and worthless, I somehow mustered enough to continue and fight on. I think in large part, entertainment had a lot to do with that.  TV has always been one of my greatest passions in life. I pride myself on how many TV series I’ve seen and episodes I’ve watched. This year I watched a lot of good shows, old and new.  The Gifted - I think this show only got on my radar from SDCC posts. I saw one of my favorite fellow Asians, Jamie Chung was in it as Blink, and it was in the X-men Universe so I was already sold. The show was a lot better than I anticipated. And I also ended up loving Polaris the most, oops. And this show gave me Emma, who is now one of my favorite humans.  Marvel’s Runaways - I originally wasn’t planning on watching this at all. But something compelled me to one evening, and I watched the first 3 episodes. I’m glad I did. It gave me my goth witch queen Nico. And this show just keeps getting better and better every week.  The Punisher - I loved Frank Castle in Daredevil S2, so it was a no brainer to watch this. It had all the blood and gore I was anticipating, and it even got me to feel Kastle things, WHICH I WAS NOT READY FOR. All the flashback with Maria and the kids, hurt me to no end. Frank can just be murdering people and I’ll be all THAT’S MY BB PROTECT HIM. Which he clearly doesn’t need any help with btw.  The Bold Type - This was probably one of the most important shows for me and I almost gave up on it. I watched the pilot and wasn’t crazy about it and quit for about 2-3 weeks. Then one night, I got bored and watch the new episodes on Hulu, and I got sucked in. This show came to me in the way the universe and fate work. It’s about three 20-somethings navigating their careers, love lives, relationships, and life in general. I think it’s a show that we’re lacking and I’m glad that it exists in the world. It’s relatable on numerous levels, going through similar struggles in finding a career and friends. And I’ll always love and support shows that feature strong female characters and relationships. And I am beyond grateful that Freeform renewed it for 2 more seasons.  American Horror Story - I tried this long ago, but came back to it because of Stevie. I learned she was in Coven and I watched it because of her. I loved it. And I got a new fave out of it as well. Jessica Lange. She’s incredible.  Big Little Lies - This was getting a ton of buzz from award shows, and it was star-packed so I was all in. I loved every bit of it, except that it was too white. But the heavy topics of domestic abuse, infidelity, sexual assault, and the societal pressures to hide all our insecurities and flaws were depicted perfectly. And the overall theme and ending of women helping women to stand up against men is something we all need to live by.  Movies I watched this year that amazed me. In the Mood for Love - This film has been haunting me ever since Summer of 2014, where I took a film studies class and the professor showed the corridor clip from this movie to demonstrate a tracking shot and I never wrote down the name of it. And since then I’ve been desperately trying to find it. But one night, I was on youtube and randomly stumbled upon a top 10 mojo saddest movies (or something along those lines), and I saw this movie in Chinese. I’m like huh, this looks interesting I want to watch it. And then the next clip showed the corridor scene. I almost screamed. And I immediately watched it afterwards. I found the entire film on youtube. I wanted to like this movie a lot. And it lived up to what I was hoping for. And this movie really opened the door for me to watch more Hong Kong cinema. It basically set the ball in motion for me to go on a Wong Kar-Wai binge. I’ve watched almost all of his movies. But most importantly, I think it showed me that Asians are more than capable of acting, directing, and the whole shabang. And it set a fire in me to always support Asians in Hollywood, because we are far underrepresented. And there’s really no reason why, because all of Hong Kong cinema show that we have the art form down to a T, I think we just haven’t had the opportunity to shine.  Thelma and Louise - I saw this on Hulu, and I remember this being one of Emilia’s favorite films, and I’ve always heard that it was a cult classic. I watched it one night, and I was blown away. It’s been a long time since a movie wowed me. It’s everything I’ve always wanted. I wanted a best friend and a relationship exactly like Thelma and Louise. Where’s my Louise!?!  Wonder Woman - This movie was amazing. It was the first time I watched a female superhero on screen. I love Gal and everything she put into this movie. I love everything Wonder Woman stands for, and I love the empowerment that it’s given women all across the world. I love how I felt walking out of that theater feeling like I could do anything. Albums that came out this year. I See You - The XX: This is probably my favorite album of the year. I also saw The XX live, and they were incredible as expected. I was only 1 person away from the stage.  Goals and resolutions for next year. 1. Make more friends and be more sociable. I want to go to meetups and take classes to meet like minded individuals. I think I’ve never found friends that have the same interests as me and we never really had anything in common. I think this is an important, if not vital, factor in any friendship. Without it, there’s nothing to bond you together. 

2. Love yourself fully. If this year has taught me anything, it’s taught me how important it is to love and to believe in yourself.  At the end of the day, you’re all you have. And if no one is there for you, you should at least be there for yourself. It makes no sense to hate who you are. Embrace yourself. All your flaws, your strengths, your mind, your heart, and your soul. Be true to yourself, and fight for yourself. And never, ever waver from who you want to be and who you are.

2017, you’ve been the worst to me. But through you, I’ve learned so much about myself and about life. You taught me valuable lessons. You broke me. But I’m still standing, and 2018 will be the year I rebuild myself. 2018 will be the year I take what is mine. 2018 will be the year I flourish.