#i regret that i did not buy a ticket for myself

[writingwhimsey]

It's little whimsey's birthday today. Her cousin spent the night last night and then we took then to a trampoline park. They had a blast.

[seat-safety-switch]

"Get in the fucking car, loser. My name is Detective Tina Clownhater, I came from Upper Precinct, and we're going to the fucking circus. One of the clowns was found dead in among about 72 others stuffed into a tiny car, and we think it's Japanese."

"The car?"

"The clown."

I'd heard of Detective Clownhater before. Read some of her reports when they came around the inter-office mail. Circus division. She also did carnivals, which people think is the same thing, but really it isn't. As we rode in silence to the Carny District, I decided I wasn't going to like her. Mostly, it was because she still clung to an outmoded, indulgent, and inefficient mode of transportation known as the 2003 detective-issue Crown Victoria. My own City II Turbo would have been a much more enjoyable ride, but I didn't want to press the issue. Chief was already getting on my case about racking up the mileage per diem anyway.

Maybe I should introduce myself, too. My name is Archibald Shitpope, and I'm a detective for the city police. Every detective here specializes in something – they figured it was more efficient than having us all fight over the same books in detective school – and for me, my passion carried me to Japanese-made economy cars. You'd be surprised how often they crop up in my cases. This was going to be a bit outside of my remit, being a Japanese-made economy clown, but I'm a professional. I'd do the job.

I regretted that promise as soon as we stepped onto the crime scene. Besides the copious amount of blood and viscera thrown about the scene ("explosive decompression," explained Todd the CSI, in between Instagram updates of the most grotesque parts,) the clowns had been stuffed into a Fiat. An Italian-made shitbox. It's amazing they weren't burned alive. From what we could tell from interviews, the clown used to be Takenobu Unchipiero, a famous clown actor in his home country. Top of the industry, I was assured. After a series of gambling scandals, he was forced to retreat to North America, where our standards for clowns are much lower.

I was about to ask Detective Clownhater to buy some business-class tickets to Tokyo so we could "chase up some leads" – I wanted to buy an S660 while the auction market was still soft – but the amount of boiling rage behind her eyes indicated to me that she had already assumed I was going to do that. Instead, I returned to my work of checking the crime scene and interviewing witnesses, only intermittently pausing to take a look at the latest wheels posted to Up Garage's terrible website.

That's when Todd cracked it for us. While mopping up what was left of poor Takenobu, an artificial heart fell out. I couldn't help but notice its unique design: a triangular pump that spun eccentrically in a housing. A rotary engine, in other words. No normal person would have such a heart. Mr. Unchipiero was up to his neck in debt with the Wankel Mafia.

[umadosedepascal]

NEW MEXICO | Pedro Pascal X f!reader | PART IX

Written by Santa Trindade

Banner by @missyorkswhore

Made in Brazil

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x f!reader

Summary: Pedro asks you to spend his birthday together with you. You just go.

wc: 3.3k

rating/warnings: [pure smut no plot][unprotected PIV][oral sex m/f] [alcohol comsuption][Spitting] [Overstimulation][Pedro’s POV on the first part]

a/n: The new look needed a fic. Simple like that he just wants to devasted you haha

5:45AM

The alarm rings, I get up from the bed reluctantly, regretting the night before with those tequila shots.

_Pedro, why did you forget to shave yesterday?

I look at myself looking in the hotel mirror, dying to go back to bed.

_Can I shave without any cuts? It's been so long…

I take off my PJs and my phone vibrates with countless messages, it was her.

*Hi P. When will you be free? I want to see you. It's been a while...*

Even though I'm in another state... fuck it.

*Hi my love, I'm in New Mexico for work... what are your plans? *

While I let the steam of the hot water invade the bathroom, I wrap a towel around my waist and take a pic in the mirror and then send it.

*6 a.m., recording is what I have for today...*

I know her so well.

*Wow! What a hottie, I’m craving you now...*

I'm already late and need to shave it off, so I hold my phone on top of the sink and call her.

I can see that she's on the couch.

"Weren't you at home?" I ask raising an eyebrow and fixing the phone on the countertop

"I told you babe, I went out with friends, we went to a bar, but I'm already here and wanting you" she smiles and lowers the camera showing me the dress she wears.

_Does she need to be that hot?

"I would love to be there now, I have wonderful ideas of what I would do with you on this couch…"

I just look at her and move away, giving her a view of my shape, I take off the towel and open the shower door and enter, letting the hot water reach my body, giving me goosebumps for the temperature and for knowing that she is watching me.

"If I can't be with you on this couch, I thought you deserved a little show"

She squirms on the couch, biting her lip and just nodding her head without saying a word. I like the effect I have on her.

"Does that makes you horny, love? To see me like this?" I ask and squeeze my cock, my hand sliding slightly up and down

"Pedro, don't play with me like that!"

"Patience mama, patience" I say smiling.

An idea comes up, but I don't tell her, I just smile and as soon as I finish I pick up my phone

"Honey, I need to run, soon they'll be here calling for me, I can't be late"

"I know P, it's okay, call me back tonite." she smiles and we say goodbye, even if my cock protests wanting to feel that pussy, that mouth, I don't have time now.

As soon as I turn it off, I take the razor, the foam, moving the wet hair away from the forehead I face my reflex and start spreading the foam around my face.

It's been so long since I've taken my beard off that it takes me longer than necessary, taking care not to cut myself. As soon as I finish I feel different, a new Pedro maybe, the new look of the next few weeks, maybe months.

I take a pic and send her.

*This is Ted Garcia, nice to meet you. Please come and stay until Tues to spend my birthday with me? *

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*JAVIER? Is that you?*

You fall asleep and wake up at 3pm

Was it a dream? _

No, you get your phone and see that it was real.

Without thinking too much, you buy a ticket for the end of the day and get any hotel in the same city as Pedro.

*I’m getting there at the end of the night, where can I meet you?*

Hours go by and no message from him.

You are already at the hotel so to wait for an answer from Pedro, you get dressed and go down to the hotel bar and order a drink, it's already late at night and no sign of him.

1 AM

*Mama, oh you already here? Exhausting day. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Dream of me*

Yes, it's frustrating but you understand his side and try to sleep without thinking too much about the day to come.

Waking up early the next day you have your breakfast with mimosa and lots of good food.

*Good morning, Javier. I mean... Ted...oops Pedro! Can I be your informant today? 😏*

A few minutes a very direct message appears on the screen.

*Second trailer, in the corner my name is at the door😉.*

Arriving in the scenographic city that is not that scenic, until then no one prevents you from walking around there, despite being temporarily restricted. Maybe everyone thinks you're part of the cast, since you're wearing bootcut jeans, a white T-shirt and leather boots. Would you be an impostor? As soon as you approach the trailer, a security guard will block you.

“Credentials?”

"No, I just..." you stutter thinking about how to explain until Pedro opens the door of the trailer and smiles

"She is with me!”

Pedro extend his arm to you, helping you climb the steps, he pulls you into the trailer and locks the door behind you. You can barely say hi to him and you are pushed to the door.

He presses his body against yours, his left hand going up your thigh to your waist, where he pulls you closer.

You can feel his cock hardening against his jeans.

"Pedro..." You say softly as he lowers his mouth down your neck, it's a new feeling, still feeling the mustache pinch the skin, but also feeling the softness of his face. The smell of perfume, aftershave lotion. The smell of his skin.

"I know." Pedro holds your face, looking and smiling at you, so you observe how he looks younger without a beard, how beautiful he is, his hair a little messy, his dark eyes full of lust, his breath panting.

"Hi," he says laughing, sticking his forehead to yours.

You pull him by his shirt, his lips hitting yours, his hands climbing up the back of your neck scratching slightly. His hands going up under your blouse, his thumbs drawing circles on the skin, leaving you goosebumps.

You turn around and sit on the couch and look at Pedro.

“You said you had wonderful ideas of what to do with me on a couch, well...show me"

"Motherfucker..." Pedro comes pushing you to lie on the couch, spreading kisses down your neck, pulling the strap off of your shirt to suck on the skin where he knows it will be marked.

He puts his hand under your shirt, going up until he reaches your breast, squeezing over your bra, teasing your nipples while he keeps kissing your neck.

You say panting between kisses and bites "Go show me... what would you do to me on the couch, huh?"

"I have 15 minutes before go shooting, but I promise I'll show everything tonite"

He is on top of you on the couch, taking off your shirt, spreading kisses around your breasts then you hold the waistband of his pants running your fingers through the button and open it urgently. "Leave it like this..." pulling his cock out of his underwear.

He moves away a little by pulling his jeans at the height of his thighs and moving your panties to the side, sliding two fingers inside your wet pussy.

"Yeah, like that..” you say in the midst of moans.

Now he presses his thumb on your clit. He looks at you with a smile on his face.

You slide your hands through his hair, messing up even more, your hands going down his face, the skin so soft.

"Why you so hot...hm"

Pedro speed up the movements of his finger saying

“Tonight…”

He helps you remove your pants and you intertwine your legs around his waist holding him to you.

You look down, his cock is drooling precum, pink head and burning with horniness.

You take it at the base of his cock and guide it to your entrance in a hurry. A moan that he releases in your ear is enough to make you even wetter.

“You're going to fuck me like this on the couch... I want to see it in the hotel bed, Javier...”

"Are you really going to call me Javier?" Pedro laughs against your neck, his thrusts are slow and firm.

"I will, you haven't changed anything, so I can cal-- oh my God! Pedro!" You can't even finish the sentence the moment Pedro fucks you harder, he holds your legs raising almost the height of his chest. His cock hitting your G.

"More, I need more, please…"

Pedro runs his tongue through your collarbone going up until he finds your lips, biting his lower lip he looks you in the eyes and says..

"Ask me, beg for my dick, but say my name when you moan…"

You beg, you are so horny that you would do whatever he wanted, I would say what he said. You would just obey.

He moves far enough away to open his shirt, he is sweaty, red. You stretch your hand to touch him but he is faster and holds you by the hip making you get on all fours, your arms resting on the sofa, your nails scratching the fabric in search of relief.

Pedro holds your hip and you hear the sound of him spitting, hot saliva running down your pussy, he slide in his cock and holds your hair, pulling you to glue your back to his chest.

"Come on love, give it to me, I'm dying to feel this pussy squeezing me, cumming on my cock…"

He runs his right hand through your body, skillful fingers circling your clit. It only takes a few seconds for you to cum moaning his name, Pedro covering your mouth with his left hand in a failed attempt to muffle the sounds.

"That, one more, one more and I promise you won't regret waiting until tonite."

Pedro fingers you again, your orgasm burning in your stomach, making your body tremble against his.

"That's it, mama, just like that…"

He holds you by squeezing your breasts and punching harder Pedro cums inside you, moaning in your ear talking about how he fucking missed you and won't stop until you can't take it anymore.

You fall on the couch, panting, sweaty and satisfied, for now.

"I’ve missed you…" he pulls you and kisses you while caressing your nipple.

"Me too, and I can't wait for more. Dinner and party?"

He smirks and nods, agreeing, kissing you again.

Pedro gets up and helps you get dressed, and then gets dressed.

"Okay, Mr Hollywood, go to work. You're not going to fool anyone with the face of someone who just came inside me."

"I'm a great actor love, I won a SAG Awards, remember?" You laugh at the way he pretends to hold a trophy.

You say goodbye and you decide to walk around the city before going back to the hotel and waiting for it.

9:00PM

Pedro sends you a message saying that he is in the lobby, but you are not ready yet and ask him to come up and wait for you in the room for a moment.

_What stupid idea was that? _

You don't even worry about dressing up straight anymore.

The moment he enters your room he already pulls you by the back of your neck with one hand and climbs with the other by your right thigh leading you towards the bed.

You can't resist, you already knew this would happen. "Was that your plan?" You question.

Throwing you on the bed and unbuttoning your pants and pulling you by your legs, Pedro licks alternating on your inner thighs until he reaches your pussy pulling your panties aside. Licking lightly, with wet kisses over your clit.

It's an exciting torture to see him rubbing himself on the mattress while sucking your pussy, the vision is surreal.

Between a moan and another that the two release, you say

"Pedro, I don't know what's better, seeing you sucking me or you rubbing yourself on the mattress"

With no answer, he looks you in the eyes and spits in your pussy and sticks his tongue deeper.

And with a deep voice he orders

"Cum for me.”

You take his hand guide to your breast so that he squeezes your nipple. It's not enough for him. Pedro reachs out his other hand and has both of your nipples being squeezed and pinched while fucking you with his tongue.

You cum, so intensely sinking your fingers into his hair that are already wet with sweat.

He looks at you with wet lips and chin…

"That's priceless…." you say moaning lazily.

Pedro gets on his knees in bed, running his hand through his lips, cleaning the remnants of your arousal.

He pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it in a corner on the floor.

You support your elbows on the bed looking at his body. The smooth skin, broad shoulders, the freckles on his wide chest and the small stripe of hair going down the waistband of the pants where you can clearly see his bulge pressing against the jeans.

Without taking his eyes off you, Pedro opens his belt, slowly opening the two buttons and pulling the zipper down.

"Pedro... I want to…"

Pedro looks into your eyes and holds your ankles, caressing your skin and smiling at you, he says

"What, cariño? What do you want? Tell me and I'll give to you…"

You don't say anything, you just smile and get on your knees on the bed, pushing Pedro to bed, you hold the waistband of his jeans, your fingers playing with the edge of his underwear, feeling his skin shiver when your nails touch him.

You pull out your pants and throw them in the corner where his shirt is.

You settle in between his legs, your nails stroking through his thighs, up and down, you feel how his body is tense, impossible to ignore the perfect vision of Pedro lying down, his hands behind his head. As relaxed as he tries to look, you know he's anxious, his cock outline in his white boxer underwear, the small pre-cum stain.

You slide your hands until you almost touch his balls, Pedro sighs, his cock twitches against the fabric of his underwear, you smile and bring your face closer to his cock, slowly pulling his underwear making his cock jump on your face.

His hard cock, the pink tip dripping pre cum, the side vein pulsing non-stop, begging for touch.

You hold his cock by the base, raising your hand until your thumb spreads the pre cum at the tip, Pedro moans and reaches his hand to caress your face.

"Please don't make me wait any longer" Pedro begs softly

You hold his cock and first lick it, taking it all wet from the tip, sucking the tip of the cock feeling Pedro tangle his hands in your hair, you swallow his cock until you feel it in your throat. Pedro moans loudly and squeezes your hair

"Oh baby, like that, swallow all my dick like that, fuck!"

You jerk him off while sucking him, with your free hand you caress his balls, Pedro moans, the sounds that come out of his mouth are pornographic, making your pussy get even more wet. You think you could make fun just seeing him like this, destroyed.

You stop and look at him with desire.

"What?" He asks as he caresses your face.

"Can you dim the light? You're making me lose my mind..."

He dims the lights on the side of the bed and goes to the mini bar taking a bottle of champagne and opens it, taking a long sip.

_He walking hard in the middle of room is too much for me I can’t even speak_

He goes back to bed and leaves the bottle on the bedside table, he kneels between your legs and holds his cock by the base and slides up and down over your pussy, pushing against your clit. He moans seeing the way your pussy wets his cock.

"Do you want more?"

“Yes..”

"How much more?"

“Everything..”

So he bends down and kiss you distributing licks on your jaw and neck.

"Slow down?"

Pedro slides his cock with a low moan, his hands holding your hip firmly, he fucks you with short and firm movements.

"Faster?" He asks smiling

You just nod your head taking your arms around the back of his neck pulling him down.

He wraps his arms around your waist making you arch your back and thrust in it deep once, twice.

You moan with pain and pleasure at the same time trying to get used to his cock and his movements.

Wiping one hand across his forehead hand with his other on your ass he fucks you harder, the sound that echoes in the room of skin with skin is exciting along with your moans.

"Come to me, mama.."

He takes his dick off of you with a grunt.

Feeling that sudden emptiness Pedro puts you on all fours grabbing your ass, he slides inside you again.

Your already soaked pussy is an easy target.

He holds you with one hand by the hair and another hand rubbing your clit while licking your neck saying words in your ear that you already can't understand.

He stops moving and you see that he stretches his hand, wait, is he picking up the bottle?

You turn your head to the right and look at the mirror in the closet, your pussy throbs with the vision

Pedro holding your hip with his left hand, slowly putting his cock in you while his right hand holds the bottle, taking several sips. You moan when you see him sweaty, his hair sticking to his forehead, your eyes go down to his chest, his belly and your eyes stop where he is in you, his cock going in and out, the sounds that your bodies make.

He takes the bottle out of his mouth and looks at you in the mirror…

"Happy Birthday to me mama" he smiles and drops the bottle on the floor, not caring about the mess, Pedro holds your hips with both hands, and goes hard and faster.

"Oh Pedro, please please don't stop!"

He turns you around, pulling your legs and putting it on his broad shoulders, then shove into you again deep and fast.

"So, baby? That's how you like my dick? Opening you all up? Soaking all my dick? Tell me"

His voice is low, hoarse and horny, he's a mess.

You can't say anything but moans and supplications that he doesn't stop, you're so close, your legs start to shake.

Pedro suck on his thumb and rub it on your clit, making circular and torturous movements.

"Fuck! Please, Pedro fuck me..”

"Damn, I love it when you beg for my cock, beautiful! Cum for me, babe"

He keeps circling your clit, his strong and fast thrusts lead you to orgasm, shouting his name as he bends down and holds your neck kissing you, he says between moans

"Look at me, I want to cum looking at you"

Pedro's moans are as high as yours, you feel the hot jets of cum flood your pussy, the way his cock throbs inside you. The way he looks at you as he cums, his lips half open, eyes fixed on you, his hand on your neck making the grip stronger.

"Fuck!"

He falls on you, your legs circle him, holding him as close as possible, you kiss his face, feeling him give a little kiss on your shoulder.

"For a 49 yr old man you can tire me" you laugh and Pedro bites your shoulder and comes out of you, a moan escaping from his lips. He lies next to you, pulling you to lay your head on his chest.

"I think this is one of the best birthdays I've ever had" he smiles and kiss you.

"Come babe, let’s take a shower and order food, I won't leave here anytime soon."

—————————————————

Thanks for being here and read our delusional fics, likes are appreciate, comments even more. If you want to ask anything, blast it!

[deluxewhump]

Carlo’s Letters: Suzerain (unsent)

(from a collection of letters in Carlo’s handwriting. This one has no addressee or formal greeting, but the intended recipient is easily inferred)

CW: slave/pet whump, at times ambiguous master/pet relationship, Carlo is 20 writing this but referencing a time he was a minor (17), hand feeding, mention of violence and acid burning in the context of a movie, sexually charged looks in public from men, overall a reflective and tame piece)

April

Someone mentioned the tax season deadline and it brought up a memory I have of you, in that funny, mostly unrelated way memories have of coming up. Years ago, I think I was seventeen, we were trying to re-enter the country after a short trip. Something had gone wrong with our tickets. They were flagged, and we had to visit the consulate before flying.

The girl at the counter had hair the color of fake buttercups in a ponytail tied with a navy ribbon. She looked like an old-timey stewardess I’d seen in magazine illustrations. She said you had to pay a new fee to bring back a pet. No, not a new pet, just any pet. A one-time re-entry fee for those traveling internationally with their pets. You checked the time on your watch and asked when this came about. I got a chill from the subdued, civil curiosity you possess that makes people more nervous than a raised voice. The girl winced when she said last week, like she’d been getting pushback on it since then.

I glanced from her face to yours. The set of your mouth is easier to read than your eyes sometimes, especially when you’re talking to strangers. My eyes drifted down the pressed lines of your sleeve, the neat black lines of the coat folded over your arm. She turned her screen toward you, the policy pulled up and ready. I noticed the official US seal on the top, that sharp eyed, pitiless eagle and borders of navy blue. Knowing this was about me made me lightheaded, and I ran my pinky along the scratchy fabric of your coat like I could tether myself to you that way, focusing on the friction of fabric and skin. I took a deep breath slowly, so no one would notice.

You read her screen and hummed in amusement. The girl laughed nervously with you, unsure if you were about to give her a hard time. But you just paid the fee for my re-entry, and we went back to the taxi and rode to the airport. It was four thousand dollars. My stomach churned at the number.

The security checkpoint was busy. I stayed close to you amidst the throngs of people winding through the stanchions. They had dogs out today, and made us walk past them two by two. An agent with a belt full of gear and black boots made eye contact with me. His eyes were a transparent blue. I looked at the dog instead, its tail wagging softly and his head bent low, sniffing for contraband, thrilled to serve its master.

With two hours until our flight we sat in a dimly lit restaurant booth, all dark wood and polished brass rails at the bar that gave the impression we had stepped out of the sterile, white halls of the airport into another decade. The wall behind the bartender was mirrored. I watched us in the reflection as you ordered two waters and a caprese salad. I said I wasn’t hungry, though when the server brought your penne primavera it smelled so good I had a brief pang of regret.

I drank the water you ordered for me, imagining it cooling me from the inside out and bringing back my equilibrium. How many Italian dinners would four thousand dollars buy? Why did you have to pay such a jaw-dropping fee to bring your own property back into your own home country?

You ate at a pace slower than leisurely and ordered dessert, which was unlike you. I realized it was for me when you scooped the first bite of chocolate mousse cake on a fresh fork and put it in front of my mouth. I must’ve looked miserable because you pulled it away.

“What?” you said gently.

“Why was it so much?”

“Why was what so much, angel?” There was no warning in your tone. Only patience.

“To bring me back?”

You sighed through your nose, finished your demitasse of espresso. “That was a King’s ransom, wasn't it? Just a clever way to drum up some extra revenue. They know most of us won't leave our pets at a consulate over four grand. Well. Some will."

"Can you get it back?"

"I need you to stop wringing your hands over a luxury tax, Carlo." You sounded amused now, which was better than annoyed but not a distant land to it, either. "What did you bring to read on the plane?"

"The Idiot?"

"That won't help,” you said.

I didn't know what you meant by that, but I was alright with being in the dark, or the butt of a joke, if gave you a moment of genuine pleasure. "...It just seems unfair," I shrugged.

You lowered your voice. “It’s got nothing to do with you, sweetheart. It’s no matter. I’d have paid whatever I needed to. It’s a mosquito bite.”

I dropped my eyes. You’d gone out of your way to reassure me, and it had made my face warm. Back then, if I could have changed anything about myself, it would have been the way I blush so easily, making every emotion visible and ten times more humiliating. You offered the fork again and I leaned forward to take the bite of rich, sweet cake. It was good. I was hungry. I wanted another bite. But I’d sit there with my mouth watering for another five minutes while you took a phone call rather than reach for something I hadn’t been handed.

My attention slid off to a woman who’d dropped her purse in her rush to her terminal. Her phone skittered all the way to the drinking fountain by the wall like a rock skipped on water. It seemed to me the real world was inside the restaurant, its fresh bread smells and dark polished wood, and the ant-like rush outside in the airport was an illusion, a large TV screen.

You scooped another bite onto the fork and fed it to me with your cellphone to your ear, looking at me absently as you did. “I thought that’s what you said,” you said to whoever was on the other line. “I agree. They need to vet these guys. The new software makes it a step by step process.” You fed me yet another bite. My teeth hurt from the sweetness, but I took it. Chewed, swallowed. “There shouldn’t be any more mistakes like that. They need to be held responsible.”

You weren’t talking to me, or about me, but your matter-of-fact, stern tone made my spine tingle anyway.

I noticed a broad-shouldered black man with a close, well oiled beard watching my master hand feed me. He looked to be in his mid-thirties, had only a carry on briefcase with him. His watch and cufflinks looked expensive. His leather shoes gleamed. He saw me return his gaze and looked away with profound disinterest.

Strange men in public often had that reaction. Either that, or they would smile at me. It was almost always men. Women sometimes looked, but I couldn’t read their intent as easily. The men who grinned and leered always felt like a violation. I knew most would be a hot breath on my neck and the smell of some grotesque cologne, but at least they were displaying interest. I knew they could not actually touch me. Being an object of envy or desire still made me feel safe in those days, even if I knew the desire was destructive.

If strangers with a penchant for youngish boys would look at me with such open interest in an airport, a cafe, a crowded street, then I must possess something that has value to my master, even though he doesn’t use me in that way. Beauty alone must be enough for him, and that must be the essence of his attachment to me. It was my currency and I knew it.

Once (not with you) I saw a movie in which pets often had their faces burned with acid either as a last-ditch kind of punishment or a form of vandalism by their master’s enemies. I had bad dreams about it for months afterward. I don’t think I had ever imagined violence with any kind of permanence or real malice behind it until that moment. Why would I have?

Men like this one, who looked away as if even curiosity about me was beneath them were harder to be sure of than ones who stared. Were they too polite for that? Were they abolitionists who imagined I’d like to be free of this man I was with? Or did they find me, my submission, my mouth on the proffered fork of man who was so clearly my master repulsive? Was it hate or indifference?

I don't receive those looks anymore. I don't look like a pet. I don't sit like one at the side man who looks like no relation to me, and like he'd own a pet. Max thinks I'm oblivious to the way girls look at me sometimes. I probably am. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I still imagine myself though your eyes. I don't cut my hair too short or let it grow too long. I wear things you taught me to like. I don't have to do any of this. Someone else might shave his head, wear things he knows you'd dislike.

Do I still not possess an ounce of rebellion when it comes to you? I'm like that dog at the airport. I don't understand emancipation or retirement. I am waiting for you to tell me to come home, or else give me permission to become someone else.

You're in prison. I imagine you like some incarcerated mob guy in the thirties, with your own dinner menu and LL Bean slippers and guys who respect a gun runner nodding at you in the yard and calling you boss. What's it really like?

If I send this, will you write me back? Would you write to Max instead, telling him to keep a better eye on my mental state because I'm writing to you in prison? That would be worse than no reply, I think. A hand-slap and a reprimand.

The possibility might keep me from sending it.

Not Yours,

Carlo Svenson

[wyn-n-tonic]

Not to get too sappy on main but for all the curveballs that life threw at me in the last year, 2023 was a really good one for me in so many aspects.

On New Year's Day last year, I probably should've been in the hospital. The only reason my doctor did not 302 me was because I didn't have anybody to watch my dog so he just called me every day and if I didn't pick up the phone, he was going to send the police to my home.

I am so grateful to everybody on here who helped me during that time last year to keep my medications while I was unemployed. I hate asking for help, I was raised being told that it was rude to do so, so I have a bit of guilt about it and I will never be able to fully say how appreciative I am. So many people on Tumblr helped me stay in a headspace where I was able to make decisions for myself and obviously, as an adult who lives a thousand miles away from family, that was very important to me.

It allowed me to stay in my home, take care of myself, and work on the next chapter of my life without feeling like a deer in a bear trap.

In the six months that I was unemployed last year, I wrote 300,000 words and so many of you have laid your eyes on so many of them, I am in awe every time I think about it. And every time I talk about it. And every time somebody else talks about it to me.

So, 2023 great things:

After six months of unemployment and thinking about my next move and trying to move away from the mental health field, I was recruited by an organization that works closely with mental health but ultimately is not mental health. I really didn't think that I would like it but now the only thing I can imagine doing that isn't this is if I were a full time writer.

I went to the Eras Tour with @amneris21 in my home state. It was incredible to meet her, I'm so grateful that she included me in her ticketing group, it was the kindest thing. I regret that we didn't take more pictures but singing Fearless in the pouring rain was an honor and I wouldn't have wanted to do it that with anybody else.

Literally a week before our concert, she texted me and said that somebody in the ticketing group dropped out and asked if I had anybody I wanted to invite along. I called my sister (found family) eighty times before she picked up and I screamed so loud that I'm pretty sure I didn't need the phone to be heard all the way in Chicago and I am so amazed and thankful that I had the opportunity to bring her along and that I was in a place where I could make that her birthday present as well.

At my Eras Tour date, I told nobody what I wanted my surprise song to be because I did not want to jinx it. After months of thinking I wouldn't be able to go, I was able to go and one of our surprise songs was my favorite song and then she announced Speak Now (Taylor's Version) and then I cried so hard I gave myself a nosebleed.

boygenius altered my brain chemistry.

I got to travel to Arizona to see @marvelousmermaid for her birthday and I would do it again and I regret that I couldn't stay longer.

I got to see my dad!

I wrote a book.

Great things upcoming in 2024:

My book comes out this year!

(If I can ever feel good enough about a draft.)

(And a name.)

(You'll be able to buy it wherever books are sold.)

(Name and cover coming soon.)

(You can follow @wynharper for sporadic updates because I forget it exists.)

[suckitsurveys]

End of Year Survey

First things first, did you have a good year? It was the worst it’s been mentally but I did a lot of really really fun things this year.

How old did you turn this year? 35.

Do you feel your age? Not at all. It’s been kind of the main source of my extremely horrible mental health this year.

Did your appearance change in anyway? My hair changed a couple times and I got a new tattoo which I am now realizing I forgot in my count of them for a survey yesterday oops lol.

Post your favorite selfie. Nah.

If you traveled, where did you go? I went to Boston, NYC for the first time, New Orleans for the first time, Wisconsin Dells and Salt Lake City.

Which fashion trends did you love? I’m digging how much of the 90s style is coming back.

Which fashion trends did you hate? Crocs. I will always and forever hate Crocs.

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible? The SNL concert tee from the show I got into dress rehearsal for (the season 49 finale with Jake Gyllenhaal and Sabrina Carpenter).

What song sums up this year for you? Probably Birds Of A Feather by Billie Eilish.

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then? Only God Was Above Us - Vampire Weekend, Hit Me Hard And Soft - Billie Eilish, Short n Sweet - Sabrina Carpenter, with a little Tortured Poets Department - Taylor Swift thrown in there too.

What was your favorite movie of the year? Saturday Night probably.

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year? Gabriel LaBelle and Emil Wakim.

Favorite new TV show? I am drawing a complete blank right now; I don’t think I watched any new TV shows except like Pop Culture Jeopardy hahaha. There are SO many shows I need to watch and it’s honestly so overwhelming.

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? Not new, but 2024 strengthened my love/hate relationship with SNL haha.

What food did you try for the first time? Actual ramen, like from a restaurant with all the toppings and what not. I loved it.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year? I got a new position at work.

What was one nice thing you did for someone else? I do lots of little good deeds for people all the time like buy them dinner or coffee or pick something up for them.

What was one nice thing you did for yourself? I tried not to be so hard on myself and allowed myself to say no more often. Also buying the plane and concert tickets I did this year and letting myself have FUN.

Did you develop a new obsession? Making iced coffee every morning at work lol.

Did you vote? Yeah.

Did you move? No.

Did you get a job? I got a new position.

Did you get a pet? No.

Do you regret not doing anything? It’s so silly but I really regret not buying tickets to the Saturday show Vampire Weekend did instead of the Friday show. They played two of my favorite songs at that show AND it was Maya Rudolph’s birthday (her band opened for them) and at the end of the show they played the SNL goodnights music and then sang her happy birthday and I am still bitter I missed that live.

Do you regret doing something? Eh.

Have you done anything that scared you? Just not being in my head about stuff really.

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days? Yup.

Did you lose anyone close to you? I didn’t.

Did you fall in love? I’ve been in love.

Did you fall out of love? No.

Did you start a new relationship? No.

Did you go through a break up? Nope.

Did you have to cut ties to someone? I ended up cutting ties with a friend I’ve known since I was a teenager. We’ve always had a weird friendship; I tried to be patient and kind to her but she would consistently push my boundaries. Our conversations were always only centered around whomever she was dating at the time. She was extremely childish and I know that’s not saying much because I definitely can be too but it was just over the top. I saw her last almost exactly a year ago and then we just stopped texting each other and one day when I was in NYC she blew my phone up with texts and I just never answered because I was literally running around the city and we just haven’t spoken since and she deleted me off all social media oh well.

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year? I don’t want to say she wasn’t important the year before, but I’ve grown much closer to a twitter friend and she’s become a bigger part of my life this past year.

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year? That friend I mentioned cutting ties with.

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it? I would have picked the Saturday Vampire Weekend show lol.

What was the best moment of the year for you? Seeing SNL in person, hands down. Plus all the concerts I got to go to with the people I got to go to them with.

What was the worst? My overall mental health and the overwhelming bouts of feeling like I’m too old to be interested in the things i’m interested in and feeling pathetic about it.

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t? I can’t think of anything really.

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did? I think just the traveling I did. I wouldn’t say it completely changed me, but it did make me realize that I am allowed to have fun and do things for me and just enjoy my life.

What are you most proud of accomplishing? My new job title and winning an award for it.

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior? I’m allowed to be happy no matter what. I still have days where I can’t wrap my head around it but I am trying.

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better? Not really.

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse? Uh huh.

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year? I didn’t make any for 2024.

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year? This year I want to focus on focusing. I say this I am doing surveys when I should be working lol. But I want to try to stay off social media during the work days and only check it on my lunch breaks (this doesn’t count because I’m not on my phone ahahaha).

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go this? Too late! But I did have a nice little weekend adventure right before the new year where I went and saw two comedians back to back and I got to talk to one of them for like 10 minutes after the show.

What do you wish for others for the coming year? Happiness, whatever that looks like.

What do you wish for yourself? Happiness, whatever that looks like.

[earlgreytea68]

okay so i have fallen headfirst back into fob w smfs and having that album drop coinciding w finally being in a place where I can just! buy tickets!! and see them on tour!! And i did and it was AMAZING

part of falling back into this has been lurking on fob/peterick blogs again the way I did back in HS, and yours brings me so much joy! what a lovely community you’ve cultivated here, and i adore your fics sm as well—I’m systematically working my way through each one

so a lot of love your way <3 i do need a bit of a second opinion though—I’ve been working myself up over trying to figure out if I can see them again while they’re touring for smfs. There’s a part of me that worries that this might be the last album—the same part that was the most upset when they were touring for MANIA and i couldn’t make that show. SO i would love to hear if you’ve got any thoughts re whether my fears hold any water—or if you think I should chill out, enjoy the ride of keeping up w this tour, and be secure in the fact that our boys aren’t going anywhere any time soon

Hello! First of all, yay, welcome back, and thank you so much for all of your kind words!

I know that there were a ton of rumors this was going to be their last album and they were going to call it quits after this, but having heard the album and watched them promote it and then seeing this tour they're putting on...it seems so unlikely to me???? They just don't act like a band who's done, who doesn't have anything more to say. Like, when Patrick talks about Fall Out Boy he's so very clear that it's, like, necessary for him to have, that it's the art and creativity that he does because of how much he loves it, not a job, and it would seem weird for him to talk that way, so vocally, if there was any inkling in his head that this would be the last time he would have it, you know?

And Pete has been the less vocal one this cycle, and we know he was the one who was reluctant to do another album and undertake another tour, but he has seldom seen so genuinely happy as he has during this tour, he seems to be loving every second of it.

And Joe came back and also seems delighted to be back.

Idk, I do not get the feeling of a band with any intention of winding down. They feel completely reinvigorated and reinspired and ready to go. It would not at all surprise me if they're already writing the next one, we know Patrick and Pete like to write while on tour. And I think they've really enjoyed being out of contract and having total control back, I really think it has opened up the horizons of what they want to and can do. Plus their fanbase has turned out for them loyally and so I don't think they are getting any kind of message that they're not wanted or needed anymore.

So Idk, I think in my heart of hearts there will be another album and another tour eventually someday.

All of that said, there will probably be people who will disagree with this life advice, and please always do what's best for you and your financial situation and life situation, but also: life is short, and uncertain. I didn't get into Fall Out Boy until the Mania tour was just wrapping up, and they announced they were going to play a random festival in Cincinnati and I agonized over going and finally decided to do it and I have to be frank, that weekend in Cincinnati was one of the best weekends of my life, I think about all the time how wonderful it was, the show was incredible, and it was the last concert I saw before the pandemic hit and I spent all of that time just being so incredibly grateful that I'd gone to that Cincinnati concert because otherwise I would have regretted it forever.

If you are in the incredibly lucky and privileged position to be able to afford to do something that you really want to do, and doing so will not bankrupt you or send you into a debt crisis or harm previous commitments you need to keep or, etc., etc., like, if the only argument you can come up with against doing something is "Idk, would this be ridiculous????," Idk, I think I'd err on the side of doing the thing. That's not just advice for Fall Out Boy concerts. You get to do this life thing once, and it goes by so much faster than you can possibly anticipate. If something's going to bring you joy, that's pretty precious. Take it where you can get it.

[pretty-idol-hell]

Oooh!

Hooray.... grey........

Huuaaah.

Okay, so. Since I noticed myself slipping into the 90s during the day, when I got home from work I decided to just focus on getting in another rank-up before my bonus is gone and forced myself to NOT look at or stress over the ranking until I finished. Currently, I am....

....65th!?

I guess it's safe to say I made it. I'm in the top 100.

Wow.

WOW!

Goddamn.

It seemed so impossible after the March event, but I did learn a lot from that experience. So, now that the event is almost over (actually it will be over when by the time this is posted) I'll share about my strategy. (And other thoughts.)

In the March promise event, I thought that as long as I had a lot of promise tickets I would be fine and tried to grind them down using instant promises towards the end of the event. (At this time, I was used to one good day of grinding being enough on SIF events.) But, I could never catch up to where I wanted to be and quickly realized it was too little too late.

So, I knew this time I had to start early and play consistently. I also decided to do mostly normal promises instead of instant, so I could get the most iine possible out of my tickets. In the meantime, I joined other people's promises while waiting for my own to fill so I could get some free iine on the side.

And this did work noticeably better. But I still wasn't able to crack the top 100.

And that was when I finally caved and did the thing. I put on the classic, the Laala Welcome SCR, and warmed up my fingers for some OPEN DREAM LAND.

So, up until this point I had actually been thinking that promises in the Welcome SCR wouldn't fill because everyone else would be sick of it by now too. But I was wrong.

SO WRONG.

Sometimes my promises filled so quickly that by the time the promise menu screen loaded, it was literally ALREADY FULL. So, as long as I was using the Welcome SCR it was basically the same as doing instant except for full points.

So, at this time I stopped joining other people's promises for the most part, and was largely doing my own regular promises in the Welcome SCR. And this was when I really started getting somewhere.

Unfortunately, this was also when I also started buying promise tickets. For the record, I do think it would have been possible to hit top 100 just using the promise tickets you have and joining other people's promises when you get more. But, only for those who don't have a full-time job and can play full-time Idol Land PriPara. I do have a full-time job, from which I gain money, which can be used to exchange for promise tickets haha ha....

Also I had a 65% bonus from the gatcha. A-Anyway....

During the last few days when I was cruising through the ranking, I was briefly lured into the false sense of... we did it. Maybe we really did it. We saved Idol Land!? How could the game be dying when my promises are filling SO FAST!?

Until of course, I logged into Lucky's account and played one promise to find out that... there are... less than 10,000 active players..... that's half... the number there was... two months ago.............

I was pretty crushed.

I mean, I should have known better but... yeah.

It's been something I've been thinking about all day. About how the game still feels so active despite this?

And I realized hey, wait. What if Idol Land was designed to run better with a smaller player base? I mean, less promises on the board means promises are more visible, which means promises fill faster? Could be.

After all, a lot of the problems we had during Idol Land's launch resulted from them not properly gauging how high initial demand was.

The game is running much better now, and the fans that are left are pretty ride or die at this point I think.

But is that enough.

...............................pro...bab....ly not............

Well, we'll see. If not tomorrow or next week, we'll find out something about the longevity of the game when the Season Select tab updates.

Ah well, no regrets. Idol Land has meant a lot to me, and I really wanted to show them through this event. Even if it was technically all for nothing, I don't feel like it was, strangely.

Well... There's more to say, but I'll pick up on this train of thought when EOS is actually announced officially.

Goodnight all! See you on the other side of the maintenance.

[daynascullys]

#TeamShortPeople (I'm 5'2!)

That honestly really sucks and is so disrespectful of the people who only wanted to talk about themselves; like, clearly they were taking advantage of the Q&A opportunity. I would've been frustrated too! I'm sorry it wasn't enjoyable for you. At least you got some extra free merch though! As for a meet-and-greet, oh my God, girl, if she ever came to my city to do an album (or book?) signing, then I would absolutely seize that opportunity. I will drive how ever many minutes or hours to that city if I have to, lol. I'm surprised she chose my state, first of all, and chose not one but two cities to perform in. And one of them just happened to be mine! 🥹🤧 Honestly, it was just the meet-and-greet part + the extra merchandise that sold me on the Soundcheck Experience Package, but even before I bought a regular ticket (I got a balcony spot and I hope I don't regret that), not only did I decide against it because of the price, but I decided against it because I asked myself if I really needed any of that (the merchandise). Hopefully there will be some more things aside from what's on the website at a booth but I doubt it! Did you buy any merchandise aside from the V.I.P. freebies? The tote bag and sticker are a definite purchase, but I don't know if I want the purple tee or white sweatshirt. It never gets cold where I live... 🥲

Also, you're going again on July 26 as well, right??

Yeah, I appreciate the understanding. Because I’m trying not to be bitchy about it, but framing personal requests as questions for a Q&A is just really inconsiderate.

I don’t think you’ll regret it! The experience is the most important part. I was in the nosebleeds for the Speak Now World Tour (Taylor Swift) and it still was one of the most amazing experiences I got to have.

I did get merch! I love the VIP merch because I genuinely will use it (a tote bag, journal, and autographed photo), but I really like having tour shirts with the dates and locations and stuff. I got the purple shirt and the khaki sweatshirt because I couldn’t decide and was like you know what, it’s my birthday and I’m just going to get both 🤦🏻‍♀️ I honestly have never been a big sweatshirt person, and the shirt is way more practical for California, but I have started getting more outerwear for my favorites (e.g., I NEVER wore zip ups but I got the Waitress one the first time I saw it, and now I wear it all the time).

I think the only additional things I saw were specific to the venue, but you never know!

And yes, I’m so lucky to go one more time on the 26th before I go back to work! Not front row this time so I don’t know what my pictures will be like (again, short), but I’m excited. And sometimes it was hard to see her because she’d sit on the stage or walk further back and because the stage is so high, she was barely visible! I think there were parts of the set I couldn’t see too, so it’ll be fun to experience a new perspective 🥰

PS, I posted some gifs from one of my videos today. I’ll probably do some more gif sets throughout the next week or two 😊

[eadanga]

The Press Secretary Part 6

Summary: Chris the mayor of town is married to his wife Becca.  When he hires a new press secretary who happens to be his lost love old  feelings resurface and Chris finds it hard to resist the desire he once  had for her

Parings: ChrisxMC

Chris carried her to the bedroom and gentle placed her on the bed he climbs on top of her and kisses her deeply. Emily moans as his hand roam up and down her body.

“You’re so beautiful Emily” He kisses her neck “Just like that night in the dorms I couldn’t stop thinking about it”

You too huh?”

Chris smiles as he cups her cheek “I should have said something after it I regret not doing that everyday”

“Yes me too you just said you didn’t want anything serious and I didn’t want to ruin anything by being pushy”

“I understand”

Emily wraps her arms around his neck “Let’s recreate that night then”

Chris smirks “I think it went like this” He kisses her deeply then pulls away to take off her pjs. He unbuttons his shirt then pulls it off along with his pants

Chris kisses her breast as she sighs with pleasure. His hands go between her legs “Fuck you’re so wet for me Em”

“I want you Chris” Chris grins then slowly enters her she moans “Chris you feel as good as I remember”

“So do you Em”

He thrusts slowly then begins to pick up the pace. Her cries of pleasure get louder

“Mmm Chris just like that!”

“I want you coming for me Emily”

“Chris!” They come together as Chris holds her tightly he stares at her then kisses her deeply she rests her forehead against his “Will you stay with me Chris just for tonight”

Chris smiles “I’m not going anywhere”

****

Chris wakes up the next day and sees Emily sleeping peacefully beside him. He smile and kisses her on the forehead “Wake up beautiful”

Emily slowly opens her eyes as she smiles “Morning Chris”

“Morning you sleep well?”

“Yeah cause you’re next to me I remember how much I enjoyed that”

Chris grins then sighs “We do have to talk about last night”

“Yeah I know honestly Chris I feel bad that I did this while you’re still married I don’t wanna be a homewrecker”

“Trust me Em you’re not ruining anything things are already ruined between Becca and I though we shouldn’t have done this while I’m still married to her I know I started it I just couldn’t help myself”

“I know Chris me too”

“Until I figure out things with Becca can we keep this between us?”

“Of course Chris I really don’t wanna be a side piece”

Chris wraps an arm around her and pulls her closer “You’ll never be that to me” He brushes his thumb against her cheek “I just got you back in my life I don’t wanna lose you again”

“I’m here to stay Chris”

Chris smiles then throws the covers off and stands “Come on” He takes both her hands and lifts her up “Let’s get some breakfast”

Emily giggles “Of course Chris” They head to the kitchen and start making breakfast “Chris did you buy your ticket and everything for the wedding?”

“I did just need to get my tux it’s gonna be great seeing everyone again though I’ve been wondering why they’re getting married now I mean they got engaged right before graduation”

Emily sighs “Well they had some financial difficulties”

“Wait what? What happened?”

“Jobs were hard to come by Chris Tyler spent moments looking and tried to sell his app and Abbie got a job teaching art but it wasn’t enough it wasn’t until someone finally bought Tyler’s app it has over a million downloads now”

Chris frowns “I didn’t know why didn’t they tell me I could helped them”

“They thought you were too busy and their problem was minor at least that’s what they told me”

Chris grabs a plate of food and hands her one “No problem is minor especially when it involves my friends I’ll talk to them about it”

“Good now I’m after we eat I’m gonna go make sure my dress fits again”

Chris laughs “You said you tried it on 4 or 5 times Emily the dress is fine”

“But still Chris I’m making sure I’m not gaining weight so I can fit in it”

Chris takes her hand “You’re beautiful the way you are I’m sure it’ll fit you fine”

“Thanks Chris I’m just so excited for this wedding”

“I know me too I’ve cancelled everything for it nothing is stopping me from going”

“Good Chris this is gonna be fun”

****

“Come on zip” Chris struggled to zip his suitcase closed “Damn maybe I packed too much” He shook his head “No it’s gonna close” He tried again and the suitcase zipped shut “Finally”

Becca comes into the room and leans against the door “I hope this wedding is worth you cancelling everything”

“It’s worth everything”

“Can’t you just send them a gift look some of my dad’s best clients”

“Becca just let me go to this wedding ok I’ll be back by the end of the week”

Becca scoffs “Whatever Chris enjoy the poor wedding I guess”

“Really Becca you don’t have to say that it’s not a big deal”

Becca shrugs “I call it as I see it” The doorbell rings “Who’s at the door?” Becca heads downstairs and opens it “Emily? What are you doing here?”

“Oh hi Becca is Chris here? The cab is waiting”

“What cab? Are you going to the wedding too?”

“Yeah didn’t Chris tell you I’m a bridesmaid and Chris is a groomsman”

Chris comes down the stairs “Of course I told her” He sets his suitcase down

Becca turns back to Emily “Can you give us a moment please”

“Sure”

Becca closes the door “Why is Emily going with you?”

“Because our flight is the same plus this is our college friends getting married everyone of our friends will be there”

“Chris she should be here you know working on your image and your reelection”

Chris rolls his eyes “Not everything is about work Becca we’re not robots we can take vacations if we want to”

“Chris why don’t we”

“Forget it Becca I’ve already paid for the hotel and the flight I’m not about to waste my money” He picks up his suitcase “I’ll see you in a week”

Becca huffs as he walks out the door

Chris heads to the cab where Emily is waiting “Sorry about that” He puts his and her bags in the trunk “Now you ready to go”

“Yes Chris this is gonna be fun”

Tags: @indiacater​ @mfackenthal​ @the-soot-sprite​ @darley1101​ @jared2612​

[poutyniall]

Most likely no one cares about it but this is my blog, so.

I did something.

I went to Krakow, Poland. All by myself. Just me, myself and I. 

Being my worst enemy and my most precious ally, when I booked everything - tickets, room, tours - I unconsciously chose all the non-refundable options so I just had to go.

Did I get lost? It would have been strange if I hadn't.

Did I nearly force a door and break the key in the lock 'cause it had the same house number as the apartment address of my room although the fact that the gate handle was covered in an inch of dust should've rung a bell in my brain? Yeah, but it wasn’t my fault and, In my defense, I had no idea that two places could have the same street number.

Did I fill my belly with all the traditional food I laid my eyes on? Hell yes and I regret nothing. Maybe just not eating more.

Did I embarrass myself walking into a Harry Potter shop by literally saying "wow", mouth hanging and all, with the guy behind the counter laughing after imitating me? I’m a soon 28 years old woman to be, of course I did. 

Did I pay 3 euros for a small bottle of water just 'cause I used the toilet of a restaurant and I felt guilty leaving without buying anything? Yep

Did I find kimbaps in a supermarket and ate them while clapping and making little happy noises? Way more than I like to admit. 

Did I get fooled by those ubiquitous people who ask you money for food but when you offer to buy them a meal they refuse? Needless to say

I felt so good while there. I felt at ease, at peace, happy. And, being a woman on my own, I felt safe even though I didn't actually go out after like 7pm, but only because I was physically exhausted. I fell in love with the city and I can't wait to go back again. Obviously I haven't seen all there is to see but I chose to take my time, enjoying the flow of the city, writing my journal, picturing things I'd like to do. I simply chose to felt the moment and fully enjoy it.

[sisterssafespace]

Asalamualaykum i hope you're well❤️. Once again i did something stupid. So im a very impulsive person tooo impulsive and it is really affect me deen wise. So last year i was attending concerts and other impermissible gatherings where music and alcohol and other drugs is and in those gatherings i would remove my niqab and hijab and wear things i shouldn't all because of my fmo and wanting to fit in with my non Muslim friends. I really cant help it especially when i feel pressured to attend. This year i told myself that i would not attend there was event that just passed it was supposed to be happening on Sunday and i told myself that i wouldn't get the tickets for it and i didn't. But there was event on Saturday and i went the whole of Saturday dodging my impulses to buy the tickets to go but then 2am Sunday morning i got tickets and went to the event (it ended at 5am) i compromised my deen again. My non Muslim friends were at both events and i mostly wanted to go to be with them both events. I am already someone who struggles with low emaan all the time. I dont pray ever because of procrastination and i do have the urge to i really do. The only time i prayed consistently ever was this year Ramadan and 2 months after. I had never felt so close to Allah and my deen than when i was praying consistently. I just feel so lost and that im destined for jahanam and i if carry on likes this there is no hope for me at all. I literally cannot to talk to anyone about this because im afraid of being judged by others and those close to me.

Wa alaykum assalamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu dear,

Sübhanallah you sounded very aware of the situation in your ask. Your words reflected someone who's mature enough and smart enough to know right from wrong. You are also fully aware of the consequences of your actions and that you are - in your own words - compromising your deen. The good thing is that the feeling of guilt or regret that you feel afterwards, the unpleasant feeling that settles in your gut, that actually shows that you have a pure heart, you have a good nature, a good fitrah, you just get carried away and you let shaytan manipulate you sometimes. See if you weren't a good girl and if you didn't love Allah swt, if you had completely gone astray then you wouldn't be feeling this way.

Now, what are you going to do about the situation? I feel like there are 3 major points, all of them have been discussed and mentioned before on this page in previous asks:

1) Do not despair of Allah's mercy. As long as we are still breathing, as long as there is still rooh in us, Allah's door is always open and we can always come back.

2) Recognize the shaytan's traps and stay away from them - close the door that will lead you to relapsing/ sinning

3) Strengthen your Eman with your daily remembrance ( adhkar ) and duaas: you need to shield yourself and protect yourself with reciting your morning and evening adhkar, as you will be asking Allah swt to protect you from all evil, from shaytan, to forgive you, to guide you. Adhkar are a believer's best friend. Once you commit to them you will definitely feel the change in your life even in the smallest details. There are apps that provide these adhkar with translation and the app would even notify you to remind you to recite them.

Listen my dear, you are a smart girl Allahuma barik, all you have to do is not act upon your impulses. And as an impulsive person myself, I know from the experience that the way to control that is to be one step ahead + Taqwa (awareness and consciousness of Allah swt). How? As for being one step ahead or let's call it prevention, you need to clean out your environment just like someone detoxing their body for them not to get sick or someone who's gonna start a diet so they clear out their kitchen and fridge from anything that's unhealthy and might be tempting. Like as a simple example, I would delete that app for the concerts/events.. which is related to point 2. And if the weekend is coming and you can anticipate that your friends will go out and invite you, prepare yourself to say no, practice saying no, or just straight up tell them that you can no longer associate with such environments! Because sweetie at the end of the day, the friends that are going to make you sin and are going to take you away from Allah swt are not your friends. But to be completely honest, I don't blame your friends, at the end of the day they're non-muslims, from their perspective there is nothing wrong with going to these events for them. It is your responsibility to stand up for what you believe and what you represent. I bet it is also very confusing for your friends to see as this Muslim girl who just removes her niqab and hijab ( and her beliefs) for a couple of hours to have fun?? I am so sorry to tell you that it reflects such a bad image of Islam, which is not what we are supposed to represent! I am trying to look for the softest way possible to tell you this but please never do that again! I know you might be wearing the hijab and the niqab for a different reason, maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe it's not your fault you don't understand their value, their meaning and their sacredness, maybe you didn't choose to wear them in the first place but please respect your hijab, and your niqab, please do not violate their sanctity by associating with alcohol and concerts. It is really painful to know you are going through this. I feel like we need to have a long conversation about the meaning of hijab and the reason why Muslim women choose to wear the niqab, about their meaning, about the mothers of the believers, about the sahabiyat who gave their lives for us to be walking around today in our hijabs, and why Islam in one word means to submit to Allah swt and obey His orders.

I don't want to make this too long for you, I just want you to know that I am not judging you, no human being is perfect, no muslim is pious enough or religious enough not to sin and not to make mistakes, we are all sinners in different ways, it is just Allah's mercy and setr that is covering us. But please sweetie, you sound like a mature young lady who can be responsible and can make good choices. So please make the right ones. In Islam Halal is clear and Haram is clear. There are no blurred lines. And if you are old enough to concerts alone and pay for them alone, then you are old enough to make the right decisions.

One last word: whatever you do, do not quit praying, it is the prayer that holds that string between you and Allah swt, it is the prayer that washes away the sins. May Allah swt accept from you.

I am sorry if anything I said came off as harsh. I hesitated for days before I could write this answer because I didn't want to be overly dramatic or come off as brutal 💔 May Allah swt guide us all. I pray that Allah swt forgive me the shortage of my answer. I wrote from the heart, in shaa Allah I managed to write what Allah swt had inspired me to convey. I pray from the bottom of my heart that Allah swt shows you right from wrong and guides your heart, ameen. Please stick to your adhkar, make istighfar as much as you can and send prayers upon Prophet Muhammad ﷺ as well.

Here are a couple of duaas you can recite in your sujud:

رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغۡ قُلُوبَنَا بَعۡدَ إِذۡ هَدَيۡتَنَا وَهَبۡ لَنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ رَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلۡوَهَّابُ

Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestow.

يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على دينك

Oh turner of the hearts, keep my heart steadfast upon your deen.

La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah 🥺.

- A. Z. 🍃🤍

[kimtaegis]

No because I also understand wanting to see them and not seeing them for possibly years must suck. I understand that, but I can be just as much as a fan if I found them a month ago or a year ago.. Like I already have so much regret over not finding them earlier, and spending those years with them but like we can't do anything about it. Army like saying you find bts when you need them but then turn around and kick you off a hill just because you want to buy tickets 😭 and now we can't even buy tickets because yeah 💀

Anyway I also wanted to say that it's true that the fandom has doubled or even tripled during dynamite era and I do think it was partially because of covid and quarantine and everyone was at home etc and I'm not saying the fandom has shrunk back to it's "original" pre-pandemic size, but am I the only one who sometimes feels like we did shrink a little after most of the restrictions were lifted off? Obviously we are still huge and more and more people find them every day I just have this feeling that when quarantine was over and everyone could go back to whatever they were doing, many people might have stopped following them 🤔 but maybe it's just me. Anyway we are still huge, like I still remember the 300k queue for the busan concert and it wasn't even open for the global ticketing or something 😭 try getting tickets while fighting 300k ppl 😭

of course that sucks, yes!! I’m so darn bitter about probably never seeing them myself but do I openly shit on other people because of that? it’s just so childish and dumb. it’s totally valid to be upset about certain things but the tone and reasoning of some people are just so. pigheaded and sometimes downright irrational and hateful, it’s just not it.

yeah I think I agree! I guess it’s also that a lot of fans have many responsibilities that they’ve had to pick up again after the acute covid period, so they might just not have so much time and/ or energy to be as ‘present’ in the fandom anymore as they were during dynabutter era, but they’re still there. and some might have just enjoyed the funky English songs and then lost interest again which is also valid ig 🤷🏼‍♀️ armyblr certainly feels very…ugh empty, and it gets worse and worse unfortunately :(

[loverlylight]

So, the past week or so has been very... up and down. Most of the ups were relative, but eh. Have been having serious medical issues, to the point where I had to bring Ollie and spend the week at my parent's house because it wasn't safe for me to be alone. Went to the ER, spent pretty much all day there, they ruled out a lot of serious issues, which is something, but they don't have any idea of what's causing the trouble and I'm having flashbacks to my medical issues when I was a kid where after years of tests and trying different treatments we never found out what was actually wrong with me. Had to miss Ollie's follow up appointment, but called his doctor and after letting him know how Ollie's doing he said it sounded good and that I can let Ollie go back to normal and don't have to schedule a different follow up appointment, which is a relief. Have an appointment with a non-ER doctor, but she basically said over the phone that she doesn't know what else she'd try to look into, so it's like... plus, the appointment's not until Monday, and it's just getting worse each day. When I called initially on Sunday a (different) doctor scheduled me to get a test to rule out covid, which it did, but she said she'd call after the results came in and discuss next steps after that and she just... never did. It's to the point where it's not just I shouldn't be alone in the house but I currently don't feel safe to drive or go outside by myself or even shower without someone being aware and it's even impacting my work because even though I work from home I keep having to take impromptu breaks and I just... keep discovering new levels of exhaustion. To end on a positive... uh... I guess now I don't regret not being able to buy tickets to see one of my favorite bands because I spent all my savings on Ollie's surgery since chances are I wouldn't feel well enough to see them anyway? I've been trying to think of a less conditional positive but Ollie doing well is the only unconditional positive I can think of and I already said that. I've been able to spend a bit more time with my sister since before I started staying at my parent's house I hadn't been able to leave the apartment for weeks? Still somewhat conditional, but a bit less so, I guess. And at this point my brother is back in town so I was able to go back to the apartment, which is nice.

[differentalpacafestival]

Yellow, Green, Blue, Red and Orange. Big, Small, Funky, Pretty, and Tiny Tiny Tiny

I had a dream last night. I dream a lot, like, a shit ton. Every night. It's rare for me to sleep through a night and not dream.

Anywho, it was me and my mom. It was dark out, but not that black night sky, more like the deep blue evening sky. I could see millions of small, white spots representing stars in foreign galaxies as we walked past an ancient well with a bucket hanging from the post above. We were talking with a man behind us. I don't think we knew him; we were just making small talk. He mentioned a center for creatively gifted children and pointed to me, like them. My mom was intrigued as she has always preached my abilities to write realistic fiction, and smiled at me as to say "Hear that? You won't be so alone anymore!"

He motioned towards a bunker entrance. "Down there. It's about a day's walk and you have to be clever to get to the center, but once you're there, you'll know it. The teachers and children helping the students are brilliant, and I promise you will not regret going there." He winked at me and decended through the bunker's doors. My mom, I guess, just assumed we were to follow, so we did. She grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

We had walked for almost two hours when we reached the first control stop. There were two women greeting us and explaining their jobs. One walked through one of those hip high ticket scanners and waited for us at the other side, smiling and waving her hand along to welcome us through. My mom purchased a ticket from the other woman, and explained she would only buy one for now incase I won't like the other kids or the classes, and that I would pass with her. They were totally fine with it, and again welcomed us warmly with customer service smiles they were trained to give. My mom scanned the ticket, but the scanner lit red. She scanned again thinking she had held it wrong, but the lit persisted. The woman who had passed through earlier came to check the ticket and confirmed it was fine. She tried scanning her card and the scanner happily beeped and lit green, making us all confused. I was standing behind my mom about three feet away, and heard the cogs turn in my head trying to figure out how I could fix the machine. Now, I don't quite remember what the solution ended up being, but the women all looked at me with shocked faces and praised me for being so creative with my solution. We then continued down the poorly lit tunnel.

The next control stop didn't really seem like they were trying to confirm us or challenge us to pass. There were multiple people here, all drinking from small cups. Looking back now, it seemed a lot like alcohol, but I'm not sure what it was. They were laughing and cheering, clinking their little cups together and yelled something in unison. My mom got herself one cup of her own and joined in on the happy chants. I was alone in a hallway foreign to me, and my anxiety grew every time I noticed something new.

This hallway was rather interesting; it wasn't the typical straight rectangle, but had multiple corners and dead ends. It felt more like a labyrinth than anything else. Most of the doors were halfway opened with quiet murmurs escaping the gaps, but one open door in particular caught my attention. As I walked closer, with every step my deja vú grew stronger and stronger, suggesting I had actually been here before. It wasn't like before where I could tell some details where familiar; this entire room and part of the funky hallway was all familiar. I knew I'd been here at some point or another, I had just repressed the memories for some reason. When I reached the door, though, it all came flooding back. I saw a different version of myself when I was 15, where I said that it wouldn't matter if I died because I'd be better off in a new universe. The people around me hesitatingly agreed and let me proceed with whatever I was doing. I then died and watched myself get buried and reborn from the ground. Literally. It looked like a zombie movie with one hand out of the ground, but it was bright and green, way more happy looking. The grass was unkept, but not chaotic, and there were all colors of butterflies flying all around in their pretty bodies, all shapes and sizes. It kinda felt like they were talking to me, but not with words us humans can understand. It felt more like vibrations and body language. They told me that I was given a new chance to get my life right; to fix the wrongs I had done and redo everything I hadn't dared to try. I was given a miracle.

I was then sat in this new classrom, and the teacher spoke softly but clearly what the agenda for the day was as he pulled out a sheet. It was fairly see-through so I could see that the list was way shorter than expected. He called out for each student in the room, and after every name, a quiet yet confident "Yes," was to hear. The last name, though, left a quiet echo. No one was there to call out they were there. This missing child was supposed to sit where I was sat, so everyone looked at me with confusion. The teacher walked over to me and squatted next to the chair underneath me, and he gently asked me who I was and where I came from. His charming smile urged me to talk, and I couldn't resist the calling. I told him my name and how I'd gotten there and that my mother had left me in the hallway. That's how I found this classroom, and I walked through because the past told me to. As he listened intently to my words, he smiled and stood up. "Well, if the past told you to enter, you're more than welcome here! You see, we have all been told by unseen forces that we were expected to be here. Your butterflies guide you, and my shadow guides me. We have different, but equally important guides in this classroom, and each guide's advice is taken seriously. There is a reason, you see, and we are not to question their words. You might experience a swap in guides, but they, themselves, have not changed. They will swap bodies to stand out more for this version of you so you can understand better. This is one of the things we will talk about here, along with so many other topics you'd think of as adventure fiction." He hadn't spoken all these words, but his voice lingered in my head as if he had. He spoke to me, without his physical body.

Then started the quest of finding the missing boy. We wandered into a basement where the ground was covered in dirt. As we curiously made our way through the cobwebs and moldy bones on the floor, we found a huge metal doorframe. It looked to be those doors of a container, but they were built into the limestone walls. I was the only one to go through, and as I stepped in, I learned that this wasn't just a door; it was a portal. It lead me to my past life.

I was standing in the middle of a parking garage, tenfolds of giant pillars everywhere, and I could only imagine the creatures and threats hiding behind each and every one. I slowly moved one foot in front of the other, slightly bending my knees and preparing myself to flee any second. There were men and boys, cockroaches, empty shopping carts, and I think multiple black vans with a white and red logo on the side. There were leaves of all seaons' colors on the concrete floor, and ledges where homeless men sat and stared at me. Cautiously, I sneaked my way over to the next door I saw. Before I could make it so far, a boy on a quad bike sped up to me and snatched something from my hands, knocking me over in the proccess. He laughed maniaclly as he sped off. I wandered around for a bit until I saw his quad standing alone, and he was nowhere to be seen. I hopped on and started driving in a weirdly distinct direction. I hadn't made a cautious decision to go there, I just had this feeling I needed to.

This part is very confusing and blurry to me, but I remember at one point I was on a platform surrounded by murky water, behaving all high and mighty towards this guy. He had hundereds of toy figurines, kinda like those vinyl ones you get from Youtooz or something, and it was so obvious that they weren't his. I figured one of them was mine, and that this was the thing that was snatched from me. I wasn't supposed to be there, and I was certainly not supposed to see him, let alone with all those figurines. There were guards running in from all directions, swarming the hallroom looking room we were in, but I had no fear nor worry. I was safe, and they wouldn't dare touch a hair on my head. I was untouchable, unreachable - a mirage. I taunted him with a smirk and laughed, and suddenly I was back in the classroom again.

A friend I've had since childhood had noticed me in the class and was jogging towards me with tears in her eyes. I just opened my arms and eagerly awaited her to crash into me and hug me. It felt like we hadnt seen each other since another lifetime, and that's when I realised - we hadn't. When she last saw me, I was 15 and about to kill myself. Out of nowhere, I was standing here after years of death and grief, and her whole world just collapsed. She asked me how I got there, how was I alive? "I'm not quite sure, but this man outside was talking with my mom and told her about this place, so we came to check it out!" I looked down to the ground, and with a faint whisper, I said "I'm 10 now." I had killed myself when I was 15, and was reborn into my own 10 year old self. When the butterflies said I was given a miracle, this was it - being reborn as myself.

I feel like there were so many other events in this dream, but I can't quite reach them. This is what I 100% remember, though. Usually me and my mom talk about our dreams and analyze them to find subconcious meanings. This one I feel is very straight forward - I've been given a gift of a new perspective and a chance to right any wrongdoings. I can make ammends with ex friends who I was seperated from during a storm of emotions and negative remarks, and I can ask for forgiveness for my own behaviour during said storms.

The friend in this dream is not necessarily one of my ex friends, but she was involved with my suicide attempt when I was - yes, you guessed it - 15. Due to this, and some of her behaviours, but mainly this, she is a sore subject to me and I often feel uncomfortable around her now. I'm scared that she worries for me now, or that the events in my past has changed her view of me. I've been through a lot of shit, and it's honestly mindblowing to me how I never ended up in the hospital. My mom was a nurse when she was working, so she helped me take care of my wounds and talk me out of any bad ideas I had. I wouldn't be here if she hadn't been so strong for my sake, and all her saviour acts. I love her beyond anything, and I regret I don't say it as often I should. Maybe this dream could be a calling for that as well - thank her for everything she has done for me before she grabs her glass and leaves me to my own accords.

[izzee55]

I saw Psychedelic Porn Crumpets For tHE First Time yesterday!

Oh my GOODNESS! i don't even know where to start. Im still trying to relive this concert by watching the videos I have on my phone. All I can say is that I did not regret seeing them live at all. I was very hesitant to buy tickets but then I thought to myself "Well what if they can't come back to the US" (They are from Australia) I couldn't miss out. I can't remember exactly when I first found out about PPC but a while ago I saved one of their songs Hymn For Droid onmy Spotify likes, then the song got buried:( overtime Until ONE DAy I hit the shuffle on my likes and BOOM HYMN FOR A DROID CAME BACK and wow! that song is too good, and that's when my love for ppc grew more and more. Now for the show. I feel like I went too crazy because I head banged so hard that my neck felt super sore the next day (Im still recovering) I was also screaming lyrics too but I can't help it! when I know the songs and the energy in the room is absolutely bananas then I GO BANANAS!!! I hope PPC saw how happy I was because I had this big big smile on my face and I was jumping up and down like a kid. I felt so elated. As for the post concert depression, It wasn't that bad this time (Not as bad as when I saw Hail The Sun for the first time) I felt a little blue but it went away at the end of the day. OVERALL if they offer VIP next time IM GETTING THAT SHIT I wanna ask what inspires them to write and what each song is about aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I hope they come back to the US again....OH I WORE MY HTS SHIRT AND SOMEONE RECONIZED IT we had a little fan girl moment and I wish I could say more to them but I felt so high on music I could barely think straight to keep a conversation going anway shout out the them! <3 lolololol

PSYCHEDELIC PORN CRUMPETS SO SO SO SO AWESOME