#i refuse to consider that I'm going to die out here even though I've already accepted the possibility

[icannotgetoverbirds]

*suddenly stops worrying about everything*

...

what.

*worries about the fact that I'm not worrying about anything*

[wileys-russo]

the sting of victory II barcelona femeni x reader

based around the request here the sting of victory II barcelona femeni x reader

"luce! get off." you grunted as your teammate slumped her taller form into you dropping down onto the bench with a tired sigh. "can't, bodies too heavy. so tired!" the girl groaned baring even more of her weight into you as you struggled to push her off.

"from what flexing too much?" you scoffed, yelping as she pushed harder and you nearly slipped off the bench just catching your footing, lucy's body still pressing into you. "hey! i beat my own and the team personal best bicep curl record today thanks junior." lucy reminded you, finally sitting up.

"oh really? i had no idea its not like you already mentioned it about fifteen times." you rolled your eyes. "that's 5 push ups amiga!" patri reminded from across the room causing you to groan.

"no come on! that one should be allowed lucy's been riling me up all day." you protested, the rule being for every time you rolled your eyes it was five push ups, ten for unnecessary back chat and fifteen if you were late for training after chattering and messing about too much in the change rooms.

the rule which had been of alexia's doing of course.

"if you consider beating you at every single drill, exercise or rep all day then sure junior, i've been riling you up!" lucy smirked cockily as you shot her a filthy glare making a few of the girls chuckle in amusement.

"don't call me that." you muttered, another roll of your eyes hidden as you ducked your head to unlace your trainers. "five chica, vamos!" patri reminded with a clap, her feet appearing in front of you as you looked up to meet her grin.

knowing it wasn't worth the argument you gave in with a sigh, gesturing for patri to move as you dropped to the floor, body already aching from todays training session as you pumped your arms up and down.

"one, two, three-" frido counted from her place on the bench with a smile, catching the attention of more of your team mates who watched on with amusement.

there were certain perks to being the baby of the team however the relentless teasing and seemingly never ending consequences for a single simple mistake weren't included in that.

your arms wobbled but you managed your five though before you could stand you went flying back down to the ground with a grunt.

"jana! get off." you whined tiredly as the defender sat on top of you, giving up quickly and resting your head on your hands as you lay on the ground.

"five more!" jana cried out happily as she caught you rolling your eyes, your pleading look toward frido no use as the swede shook her head and gestured for you to go.

"rules are rules hjärtat."

"yeah! think of it as extra training." jana teased as she refused to move and you managed two push ups with her on top of you before your arms gave in and you collapsed back to the floor with an exhausted sigh.

"leave me alone to die." you mumbled dramatically, swatting with minimal effort toward keira who teasingly poked your head with her foot as she passed by you.

"oye! off her jana now." it was seldom that you were relieved to hear alexia's stern voice ring out across the change rooms but for once it was to your benefit as the brunette paled and shot up off of you.

"thank you." you sighed as you rolled onto your back, alexia offering you a hand, eyebrow quirked curiously as she helped you up to your feet.

"more push ups? keep this up pequeña and soon you will be the strongest in the team." alexia teased with a smile as you smiled sarcastically and took your seat at your cubby again.

"coming? i'm desperate for a soak man." lucy stood from beside you, addressing mario and caro who nodded. "where are you going?" you asked curiously as lucy smiled. "ice bath! and no, you can't come." the girl chuckled ruffling your hair before you could even ask.

"why? recovery is available for everyone right?" you challenged as lucy smirked. "because i'm not willing to lay down my life at alexia's hands if you die from hypothermia kid." lucy shrugged turning to leave.

"i'm canadian i was built for the cold. i bet i can last longer than you can bronzey." you stood, arms crossed stubbornly across your chest. "no chance! you wouldn't even last two minutes." lucy laughed with a shake of her head, again going to leave.

"prepared to put your money where your mouth is?" you asked, a little quieter this time as you were well aware of what some of the other girls feelings toward this would be. "what like a bet?" lucy raised an eyebrow as you nodded.

"alright kid you're on. no stakes though, satisfaction of beating ya and holding it over your head for life is good enough for me." lucy grinned as you rolled your eyes, the brunette ushering you out of the room with mario and caro in tow.

~

"feelin cold yet? you're lookin a little...shaky there junior." lucy smirked as the two of you sat side by side in the respective ice baths, your eyes closed and trying to zone out as your body temperature plunged.

a few more of the girls coming for their own recovery you'd begun to gather a crowd, word of the challenge spreading as they watched on eagerly to see who would prevail victorious.

lucy so far seemed unfazed, stretched out comfortably and not seeming in any discomfort. you on the other hand looked a little more tense, arms crossed over your chest and eyes closed as you locked in.

"six minutes!" mario called out, sat on the bench timing as a few of the girls called out encouragement. "okay maybe this is long enough now. you can call it a draw!" ingrid warned, having voiced her dislike of the idea from the moment she'd stepped into the recovery room.

"amor they are fine!" mapi waved her off, watching on gleefully and missing the pointed look sent her way by the tall norwegian. "vamos pequeña! stay strong, push through." mapi urged, smacking her hand against the edge of the bath.

"come on kid just give it up you must be freezing now." lucys tone shifted, the slightest slip up as your eyes opened and lips curled into a smile.

"sounds like you might be projecting there a bit luce, you cold?" you teased, uncrossing your arms and settling a little, your body dangerously numb as it just felt like you were in a regular bath.

"eight minutes chica's!" mario whistled with a shake of her head, the disbelief hardly hidden. "what is she doing in there!" the smile on your face was wiped away as suddenly alexia appeared, flanked by an unimpressed looking irene and marta as a few of the younger girls hurried away.

"winning." you answered honestly, eyes locked with your captain who scoffed and snatched mapi's towel where it lay slung around her neck. "out! right now." alexia warned sternly and the glare on your face cautioned you against arguing.

however you were too far gone now to give in, shaking your head stubbornly and not moving an inch. "lucy your lips-" ona started with wide eyes, touching at her face as you looked to your right, lucy's lips starting to go a little blue as your grin returned.

"niña, out." alexia warned again, shaking the towel at you as you shook your head. "not till lucy gets out first." you challenged, the older girl beside you starting to shake a little as her arms wrapped around herself.

"ten minutes!" mario hollered proudly, withering under irene's glare as she held up her hands in defence and hid behind ingrid.

"lucy." alexia's glare shifted to her now as the english woman scoffed. "what! why have i gotta get out first?" she scowled with annoyance as you sent her a smirk.

"you started this. you are older and you should have known better than to encourage her!" alexia reprimanded as lucy's jaw dropped even further. "i didn't start it she-" but her words fell short under alexia's firm gaze.

"this doesn't count as a win kid!" lucy warned finally jumping out of the ice bath, pointing at you menacingly and grabbing a towel. "we have our champion!" mapi cheered proudly starting a clap as you stood and pushed up and out of the ice bath, ingrid catching you as you almost slipped.

you couldn't keep the smile off your face as alexia wrapped you tightly in a towel, ranting at you in spanish as she shook you left and right trying to furiously dry you off as you continued to grin at lucy who was busy changing into a hoodie and sweats to warm up.

"good thing we didn't make a bet for you to have lost then, right luce?"

~

despite the night filled with an endless lecture from alexia you got off from the ice bath incident fairly lightly in comparison to other things which had happened in the past.

however when you woke up at four in the morning the next day, head pounding and feeling like it was stuffed full of cotton, nose running like a tap with hot and cold shivers running through your body, you realised you might have made a mistake.

you tried to be quiet as you slipped into the bathroom to shower, knowing alexia was an incredibly light sleeper and only just down the hall considering it was part of your contract you live with your captain while on club duty.

"pequeña why are you awake?" you nearly jumped out of your skin as you spun around to see the blonde leaning in your doorway, eyes puffy clearly having just woken up as they shone with concern.

doing your best to swallow the cough which was lingering in the back of your throat you forced a smile. "couldn't sleep, might go for a run before training since we just have match review today." you lied, moving as if to grab out some athleisure wear from your cupboard.

"vale, i will come with you then." the catalan nodded before yawning and turning to set off to her own room. "no!" you interrupted, struggling to think of a reason and stay upright as you started to feel a hot flush set in again.

"no?" alexia's eyes narrowed a little now, concern rapidly shifting to suspicion. "i just-i think i got my period? probably shouldn't run." you winced at your own pathetic attempt to save yourself, digging the hole even deeper.

"i'm sorry niña, do you need anything?" alexia's features softened as you choked slightly, a cough desperate to break free as you shook your head.

"try to sleep, wake me if you need anything sí?" you nodded and sent her a thumbs up, struggling heavily to fight your cough as alexia stared at you for a moment before leaving as you hurried to close the door after her.

diving onto your bed you buried your face into your pillow and coughed your lungs up, attempting to muffle the noise as best you could as your body convulsed and your throat felt red raw by the time you finally stopped.

rolling onto your back you fought to catch your breath, wheezing with each inhale as you squeezed your eyes closed and your vision wavered with tiny black dots splattering across it.

finally finding the strength to sit up you reached shakily for the water bottle on your nightstand, chugging a few large mouthfuls and laying back down, wincing as a bolt of pain shot through your temple.

your eyes widened as you suddenly sneezed, smacking a hand over your mouth and waiting anxiously for a few moments, ears straining to hear alexia's footsteps and only breathing a small sigh of relief when they never came.

~

"bon diaa amiga!" you flinched at the loud voice in your ear, sending patri a tired smile and sitting down in your cubby. the older girl frowned at your lack of greeting, where normally you would be jumping on her and demanding a piggy back.

"if it is not the ice bath champion!" mapi whistled proudly, clapping with a grin as she noticed your presence and turned away from her conversation with aitana.

"too cool huh cariño? our little canadian estrella." mapi ruffled your hair as you winced, the jostling and the loud volume in the change room only making your headache worsen.

thankfully mapi seemed to have far too much energy herself to notice your lack of, charging at pina and jana to annoy them instead as you rummaged through your bag trying to find the cold and flu meds you'd swiped and stashed when alexia wasn't looking this morning.

making sure no one was watching you downed two tablets and took a sip of water, wincing as your blocked ears pulsed uncomfortably and you exhaled shakily.

thankfully before anyone else could pay you much attention everyone was called for the media room, half of the girls racing off to gain the best seats as you wandered behind stuck in your own world.

you tried to sit as far away from anyone observant enough to pick up on the fact you weren't well but alexia refused to ever let you too far out of your sight as she sat the row behind you and ingrid dropped down to the seat right next to you with a soft smile and a hello.

you were relieved when the lights shut off and the staff called for quiet, the room now much more palpable in your current state as you sniffled quietly, wiping your nose with the sleeve of your hoodie.

your chest heaved as all through the meeting you fought the urge to break out into a coughing fit, forcing down large mouthfuls of water to try and break it down until you eventually ran out glancing down worriedly at the empty bottle in your hand.

you resorted then to forcing your body not to allow anything out of it, choking down the coughing fits with great difficulty that only made your ears ache more and a searing pain to set in behind your eyes, your brow beaded with sweat.

wiggling around uncomfortably you contemplated taking off the hoodie but the moment you half tugged it off the cold shivers set in and you tugged it back down with a shake of your head.

clearly noticing you were becoming restless you felt alexia's hand drop to your shoulder, squeezing gently to wordlessly assure you were all nearly done before it disappeared again.

"elskling are you okay? you look pale." ingrid murmured quietly as finally you were due a break and the lights switched back on, the norwegian having been keeping an eye on you throughout the morning.

"fine." you croaked out, cursing yourself internally for the weak answer as ingrids eyebrows furrowed closer together. though feeling a large coughing fit come on you sent her a forced smile and shot up from your seat.

but standing a little too quickly you wobbled and nearly fell into ingrids lap as her hands steadied you. unable to speak without letting out the cough that so desperately wanted to escape you again shot her a smile and pulled free.

you ignored the multiple attempts to speak with you as you darted past your teammates and made a beeline for the door, running into someone right as you neared your exit.

your eyes beginning to water with the pressure of holding back the mighty coughing fit which was clawing at your throat to be let out you wasted no time trying to scramble around lucy.

"i have to give it to you kid. as much as i am annoyed i am also a quite proud of your ice bath efforts? maybe next time we aim for fifteen minutes." lucy joked, arm around your shoulders stopping you from moving as you sent her a smile.

"you alright? you don't look so good." her hands grabbed your face and tilted it upwards as she inspected you and you shook your head, nearing breaking point as you shoved her off and made a run for it.

though that just brought even more attention to you as aitana and keira looked up from their conversation as you sprinted past, tripping over yourself and going tumbling to the floor.

as your chest smacked against the hardwood of the hallway the cough errupted from your chest like a demon after an exorcism, your body convulsing and face going bright red from the sheer force in which it expelled, your lungs screaming for a breath of fresh air.

"hey hey niña, breathe." alexia was beside you seemingly out of thin air, aitana on your other side with an equally concerned frown as you doubled over and coughed your guts up as more of the girls gathered around you.

the fit finally ceasing black dots once again swam in your vision as you lay down, alexia hurrying to cradle your head as aitana placed the back of her palm against your forehead which was once again beaded with sweat.

"she is burning up!" the midfielders eyes widened as alexias hand was next, your captain glaring down at you as frido dropped to her knees and helped you sit up to take a drink.

"you are sick from that stupid ice bath!" alexia glowered as you shrunk under her clear anger, scooting backwards into frido's arms who rubbed gently circles against your back as your body again convulsed with a violent coughing fit.

"ale." mapi warned nodding at you clearly struggling as alexia's features softened and she sighed, shooing some of the girls away as to not overwhelm you as aitana handed you the bottle of water once your cough had again subsided.

"we are going home and you are going straight to bed pequeña. tana can you go tell jona please?" alexia addressed aitana who nodded, placing a kiss to the crown of your head and racing off to find your coach.

"why did you not tell me this morning? that is why you were awake so early, sì?" alexia realized with a sigh as you nodded guiltily, gently pulling frido's arms off as mapi bent down to help you up.

"easy cari easy." the tattooed defender cautioned softly, steadying you as your head pounded again and you winced. "ven aquí niña." alexia held out her hand expectantly, fixing you with a look as you opened your mouth to protest and just took her hand.

you gave a tired wave to the other girls as aitana handed alexia your bag, following after you with the captains which she handed off and kissed your head again once you reached the exit of the training centre.

"so have you learned your lesson about ice bath's now cari?" alexia fixed you with a look as she started up her car after helping you in. "sì, sì." you ingwith a nod as alexia awaited your answer.

"i am still the undefeated champion!"

[yuri-is-online]

Hi!

I saw the 300 followers event, and I'd like to request prompt 9 with Leona, Ace, and Jamil

9. Jealousy pt. 2- someone from a rival school asks for your number

Hi hi! Thank you for your request, I hope you like this friend.

notes: they/them pronouns used for Yuu, Check out the rest of the event requests on my masterlist here.

Leona

"Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer." Leona has heard you say that more than once, always in a tone that suggests you are mimicking something or someone; from your world he assumes. Not that he really minds, it's a nice quote. Snappy. And the first time he heard you say it you had been critiquing Azul, not him. Not him, even though it could easily apply.

That's why it is thundering in his skull right now, needling at that knot in his forehead that refuses to leave, twitching in his snarl as he watches some RSA brat wind his way around your shoulders.

Slow.

"I've got to say," purrs the stranger, lightly resting a hand on your shoulder as you consider what power you need to invoke to get him gone "I was surprised to find someone so nice attending NRC." You can't really think of a good reply, the awkward laughter that stutters out of you doesn't seem to count.

Insidious.

"It would be a real shame to let such a chance encounter go unsavored." He could have chosen a less suggestive tone of voice, or maybe it's just Leona's previous comments about how you should try to avoid "getting eaten" that are working double time on your nerves. "Perhaps you could give me your-"

Killer.

"Oi." Leona's voice rumbles, you swear there was an actual roar before he spoke. The RSA student certainly jumps back from you like there was. "You are making them uncomfortable." The student apologizes, to you or Leona you have no idea, as Leona settles a comforting hand onto your shoulder.

"Thank you, sorry for-"

"Don't." Leona is surprisingly calm. "'s my job to scare off bottom feeders like that anyway."

Well now. That is news to you.

Ace

There is something of a disadvantage in always being around the person you like when you aren't quite sure how much it is you like them just yet. The full realization tends to come at an inconvenient time, making ordinary situations into ones of great annoyance. For example, a casual walk through Craneport where you run into some kid from RSA who is also casually enjoying his day of with a friend.

"Cute, right?" A great big dog is happily panting as you scratch her ears, a smile just as shiny as her owners beaming up at you.

"Super cute!" You resist the urge to kiss her all over her massively cute face while Ace tries to fight off an existential crisis. That is a dog, he is feeling jealousy over a dog. What's going to make him insecure next, a tooth brush?

"Her name's Ginger." The stranger says with clear pride. "She really likes you, I'm almost sad to see you go."

"Only almost?" You laugh and give a final head pat to the very good girl while Ace swallows. Anger, jealousy, general annoyance at your obliviousness? Who knows.

"Could I get your number then?" Asks the stranger. "I'm sure she'd love to get to know you."

"I'm sure she would!" Ace's heart skinks, hand going behind his head to awkwardly soothe his wounded heart. "But I think I'll have to pass." You don't give a reason and the stranger doesn't ask, just takes his loss on the chin as you begin to walk again.

"So why'd you say no?" His voice is surprisingly even even if the question feels like it stumbles out of him.

"Oh well you know..." You shuffle along, as eager to let the topic die as he is to press it. "I've already got a favorite ginger." He snorts, threatening to break into a full blown laugh. "I do!" You protest, oddly serious and extremely embarrassed. "And he's enough of a handful already."

"I'm sure Cay-kun will be happy to hear it." Ace laughs, winking back at you as he prepares to run back towards the bus, shouts of protest somehow falling on deaf ears and stroking his ego.

Jamil

Sometimes Jamil is envious of Floyd. His reputation wouldn't take a dive if someone from the other team accidentally ran into a missed shot fifteen times. Nobody would even blink. But if the ball came from his hands... well then people would start asking questions.

"Are you jealous?"

No. A lie. Jamil is jealous of the air you breathe for its closeness to your lips, and this sniveling Nobel Bell brat can actually speak. Not that he knows exactly what he is asking for, but Jamil has an active imagination. And feet, he somehow seems to be stalking his way towards you even though none of what is happening is any of his business.

"Are you dating?"

Why would I want that? I've already got enough on my plate as is, I don't need a partner. Only true on the surface. Jamil has no idea why he wants you (Kalim assures him he doesn't need a reason but why would he want to listen to that advice) he just does. You make him feel a bunch of inconvenient and ridiculous things, he does not need a partner but he does want one.

"Um... I was wondering..." Seven the kid was pathetic from across the court but now that he was actually here he is even worse. Jamil is surprised he hasn't fainted yet. "I was wondering... um if you wouldn't mind could I get your number?" He seems genuinely hopeful and Jamil has got to look just as genuinely disgusted with how far back the kid jumps.

"I'm sorry..." you turn him down so gently it hurts (for Jamil, not the kid, he wants to see the little bitch run away crying) "You've been very nice I'm just not interested right now." You let out a relived sigh as the kid walks away normally as Jamil considers talking to and is not given a chance to think better of it before you turn around. "Oh hey Jamil." Why do you have to look so happy to see him? It hurts. "Sorry you had to see that, I was just trying to turn in the team registratio-"

"Do you find that attractive?" You both look shocked Jamil even asked that, but now that he has, he finds that he is too stubborn to back down.

"No?" And then with a bit more certainty you add. "No. No I think I would like someone with a bit more... mindful" You say with an admiral degree of confidence for someone who is no longer looking him in the eyes.

[badaziraphaletakes]

Submitting this... it's a long one, sorry 🥲

*Shakes out very, very long scroll*

*In Bildad voice* "Shall I summarize?"

✅ Demanding that an ab*se victim have a plan for how to fix their ab*ser's Evil Scheme

✅ Saying you would handle the situation better than they did

✅ Acting like outsmarting an ab*ser would have been as simple as writing a sneaky lil note on a sneaky lil piece of paper, like I'm sorry but holy sh*t y'all that is just the most patronizing, trauma-invalidating BS I've ever heard

✅ Saying "idiotic"

�� Using it to describe an Autistic-presenting character

✅ Who is also an ab*se victim

✅ Calling an ab*se victim "egocentric"

✅ Which is even more problematic given that that ab*se victim is also feminine

✅ Assuming Aziraphale actually wanted Crowley to come back with him, when we aren't yet in full possession of the facts

✅ Assuming Aziraphale meant literally anything he said in the entire Final Fifteen

✅ Assuming that, if Aziraphale really did actually want Crowley to come back with him, he didn't have a valid reason for it (maybe he actually thought it was the safest possible option for Crowley! We don't know!)

✅ Obliquely blaming Aziraphale for maybe being scared to go back alone? Or just not wanting to be lonely when he knows he might very well die up there?

✅ In short, eviscerating an ab*se survivor for having the audacity to respond to the horrendous situation their viewer has trapped them in, in anything short of an entirely morally irreproachable manner, and acting like their (supposed) moral failings gives us license to pronounce judgment on their situation

✅ Accusing Aziraphale of thinking he's always right and Crowley is always wrong, when we know Aziraphale says all that stuff like "You, I am sorry to say, are evil" in the knowledge that heaven and hell might be listening in at any moment

✅ Calling the things Aziraphale said under the ever-watchful eye of his ab*sers "starting a fight"

✅ Ignoring that, if Aziraphale is to blame for "starting a fight" , then just maybe Crowley might share some of the blame. (For the record, we don't think either of them are to blame here, considering Metatrash deliberately trapped both of them in a pressure cooker and turned up the flame, while simultaneously trying to manipulate each of them into thinking the situation was their husband's fault. A strategy which, incidentally, to have worked on a good portion of the fandom... << But we digress. :p )

✅ Saying Aziraphale "meant" the things he said while those ab*sers were possibly listening to him, and had literally just made an extremely explicit death threat

✅ Implying Crowley "doesn't have any spirit left"

✅ Accusing Aziraphale, rather than his and Crowley's ab*sers, of bearing the real responsibility for Crowley's distress

✅ Ignoring that Aziraphale was every bit as distraught as Crowley

✅ Saying Aziraphale "refuses to listen" because he cut Crowley off, even though he was stressed at the time and that's something all of us, especially the neurodivergent folk, do when we're stressed (AND even though he also probably stopped Crowley from saying something that would might have gotten them both roasted on a spit in the flaming cesspits of Abbadon)

✅ Saying that an ab*se victim has been "ignoring" their problem and needs to

✅ "confront"

✅ the "consequences" of

✅ "their" actions

✅ Acting like Aziraphale hasn't already (like any other ab*se victim/survivor) suffered more than enough for a million lifetimes

Did I miss anything lol?

(And okay, yes, the OP is responding to the "Aziraphale has a perfect plan to fix everything" take, which is an arguably slightly-problematic take in itself - but honestly, given that they responded to it by piling on a bunch of crap that was a thousand times more problematic, I'm not feeling disposed to make allowances.)

[salamandergoo]

STWG Prompt: Pisces

A magazine slapped down onto the table and Eddie dropped into his seat just a moment later.  "Gentlemen!  We enter into a new month, it is time for the ritual."

"The ritual," Dougie and Jeff echoed, rehearsed.

"Not the ritual," Gareth groaned, stabbing at his lunch.  "It's going to be the same as last month, it always is."

"...what's the ritual?" Lucas asked, saying it slowly like Eddie might yell at him for asking.

"Oh, horoscopes!"  Eddie opened the magazine with a grin, paging through it and clicking his tongue.  "Hopefully no plagues are written in the stars."

"Horoscopes."  Mike looked at him flatly.  They'd only been sitting at the Hellfire Club table for a week now, and in that week, horoscopes hadn't been mentioned once.  "You believe in that shit?"

"Nah.  My mama loved 'em though.  And it's kinda fun."  He tapped the magazine on the table and cleared his throat.  "We enter Libra season, may it be prosperous for our resident Libras!"  He gestured to Gareth and Jeff.  "It says here that Love is within reach!  You just need to be brave enough to grasp it."

Gareth glanced at Jeff and scoffed.  "Total bull."

Jeff grinned.  "I don't know.  Eddie, is this your little ploy to confess your long buried feelings for me?"  He fluttered his eyelashes and blew a kiss."

"You want to be my type so bad it almost makes me love you," Eddie teased as he leaned in just a little closer.

Dustin balked and Mike had gone pink, staring down at his sandwich and refusing to look up from it.  Gareth rolled his eyes again and gestured to the boys.  "What are you guys?  What are your signs?"

"How am I supposed to know that?"  Lucas still seemed a little confused.  "Is it like... by month?  My birthday's in April."

"Early or late?  What day?"  Eddie tapped at the pages.  "That'll make you either an Aries or a Taurus."

"The 8th.  Early."

"Aries!  According to your horoscope, you'll need to be brave and face your fears in the coming month.  An emotional cold front is coming your way, young one."

Lucas glanced over his shoulder towards another table, where Max was sitting with her hood up, staring out the window at the overcast sky.  "I'm pretty sure I've been facing an emotional cold front for a while already."

Dustin leaned forward curiously.  "I'm a Pisces, what does it say for that?"

"Why do you know that?" Mike asked, some of his initial standoffish-ness worn away.

"Steve and Robin have this game where they make up terrible horoscopes for each other."  He shrugged.  "Robin's a Pisces too, and Steve is a Cancer."

Eddie hummed.  "Pisces, huh?"  He too a bite of his apple.  "Be extra cautious with your belongings.  Damn, looks like someone is going to rob you, Henderson.  So the stars decree."

"So the stars decree," Dougie and Jeff echoed.

"I hate it when you guys do that."  Gareth threw a chip at Jeff's head.

"Why do you think we do it?"  Jeff grinned and threw the chip back.  "Come on, Eddie, what's Dougie's?  Something about doom and gloom, right?  Something about how he's gonna die?"  He laughed as Dougie kicked him under the table.

"Well, our fiery Aries friend will be facing- oh."  Eddie's eyes widened a little.  "It's actually not doom and glooom this month.  Keep your aim true to your goals, even when progress is slow."

"Oh."  Dougie nodded, considering.  "That actually is kind of nice.  I can live with that."

Eddie chuckled and turned his gaze to Mike, cocking his head with a smirk.  "And you?  Let me guess, fire sign.  You're probably an Aries too.  Or a Leo?"

Mike shrugged.  "I don't know, end of December."

"After the 22nd?"

"Yeah."

"Capricorn, then.  ...seriously?  You're an earth sign?"

Mike squirmed a little under his stare.  "Thought you said you didn't believe in this crap."

Eddie shrugged.  "There's a little bit of truth to everything.  That's what mama thought."  He looked at the magazine and snickered.  "This month may test your patience."

Mike hunched in on himself, glaring at Lucas when he tried to pat his shoulder.  "Most months get on my nerves.  This is stupid."

"Aw, he's like a baby raven," Dougie teased before elbowing Eddie.  "Alright, come on man, what's yours?"

"The most important horoscope!  Let's see here, Cancer says... I am invincible and nothing can bring me down.  Damn right!"

"Let me see that."  Jeff snatched the magazine from Eddie.  "...oh.  What do you know."

"The stars are in alignment for a good month ahead."  Eddie chuckled and took the magazine back.  He tapped it on the table before tucking it into his bag.  "The ritual has been completed!"

"The ritual has been completed!"  Gareth grinned as Jeff rolled his eyes.

"This is why everyone thinks we're satanists, you know-"

"Let the people think what they want, they're just mad I don't read them their horoscopes."

[mrs-nightshade]

Harlequin and Harlequin Swap Au's by: @tadc-harlequin-au

Purple/Lilac by: @just-mary-ann

Honorable mention: @thore-lb

Introducing;

Scarlet

Pomni and Caine were in her office, Pomni was at her desk smoking and doing who knows what, honestly probably nothing. Caine couldn't bring himself to care though, his usual sharp demeanor dulled under the heavy scent of the smoke filling the room.

Since his incident Caine had, begrudgingly, become closer to the Puppeteer, though he'd deny it to all end if anyone asked him about it. Closing his eyes slowly before opening them, it took Caine a moment to notice the difference in the room.

"Is it clearer in here?" Caine asked to nobody in particular, looking across the small office to see Pomni absent from where she'd been a moment before.

"Probably, I assume the real room is full of smoke at the moment, yes?" A smooth, masculine voice rang out from the opposite side of the room to Pomni's desk.

Caine whipped around towards the sound to see his other self sitting on one of the armchairs, legs together and posture high as he stared towards him.

"You! I killed you!" Caine yelled at his, defiantly still alive, other personality.

"Mh... Killed is quite a strong word..." The other Caine slowly stood. "I'd say dispelled would be more accurate, I am a part of you, one that's not going away any time soon weather you like it or not." The other Caine shrugged softly.

"DIE!!!" Caine's eyes sparked with color as he wasted no time attacking his other self again. Though despite his speed and volatile movements the other Caine easily dodged and blocked his swings.

"HOW THE-" Caine bit down his words for a moment, he refused to stoop down to such improper language. "How, in the world, can you counter me so easily..."

"We share the same basic movement code, not to mention I can see your memories." The other Caine replied smoothly, stretching as he spoke.

"Yeah, I already got that last bit, considering the weird smoke-memory bomb you used last time..." Caine grumbled, not particularly enjoying the thought of his other self rifling through his memories.

"Yes, though it's sad how few fun memories you have with our dear Puppeteer, I mean, only a single kiss?" The other Caine rolled his eyes as he spoke, as if disappointed with how little Caine interacted with Pomni nicely.

"POMNI AND I'S RELATIONSHIP IS STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL! AND ALSO NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Caine yelled at his other self, ignoring the way his body heated up at the thought of his and Pomni's kiss.

The other Caine smirked and chuckled at Caine's denial before speaking again. "Well, how about we make a deal then? I've got an idea to appease both of us?~"

Caine growled for a moment before sighing. "Fine, I'll hear your idea... Anyways, what should I call you, "insolent glitch" doesn't exactly roll off the tounge..."

The other Caine scoffed at the originals nickname for him before talking. "How about Scarlet? The same shade of red as my eye?"

"Hah, isn't that a bit of a feminine name?" Caine taunted, chuckling at Scarlets glare before shaking his head and continuing. "Well, go ahead, give me your idea."

"It's quite simple really, I stop digging through your memories and you allow me control of the body occasionally to make some of my own." Scarlet said sweetly, almost too sweet, like the words themselves would make your teeth rot.

"No." Caine cut off Scarlet's idea bluntly. "Go ahead and rifle through my memories forever for all I care, I'm not giving you control of my body."

"Wha- B- but-! Oh come on! You barely even have any fun memories with our lovely Puppeteer!" Scarlet groaned out dramatically, clearly not scared of voicing his displeasure with Caine's decision.

"Well, too bad, so sad. This is MY body and I'll do what I want with it." Caine said, turning his back on Scarlet.

Scarlet sighed dramatically, almost tiredly, but there was something off with the sound... Caine felt calm, too calm for the current situation, he suddenly realized there was a smokey aspect to the mental room around him...

Caine and Scarlet fought each other for control over their physical body. Eyes, Head, Body, Limbs, Extremities...

Caine opened his eyes and looked across the office at Pomni, but she wasn't there in the empty room of his mind...

To be continued ;3

[reallylilyreally]

Can we do a series? Answer for the whole thing? I'm giving it a go.

I think about "In the Desert Again' all the time, especially Lewis.

So i already answered this for pt1 (here) so this one focuses on Cannot win this war.

My favorite scene

The moment that I realised I have a Latent OT3 Problem:

Four days after the retrieval, Easy’s moved out of their temporary camp, heading back down to Basrah. It’s a long drive. Nix manages three hours of sitting on the bench before lying on his stomach on the floor of the truck. 

“I had a lot of concerns while being tortured,” he says conversationally to Liebgott, who is closest to his head. “But I didn't ever consider how undignified travel might be in the aftermath.”

Liebgott does an excellent impression of a man who is unsympathetic. “More concerned about your modelling career, sir?”

“Always, Joe.”

By the time they stop to speak to a small army outpost, most of the men are sitting on the floor with him. Dick puts his head round the back of the truck and just about manages not to grin at the sight of them. Nix is asleep, presumably, with Tab and Liebgott by his head and the rest of them sprawled around him. 

“Want to switch places, sir?” Tab asks, voice low. 

Dick shakes his head, even though he'd much rather be here in the back of the truck with Nix than in a seat in the cab, and Tab knows it. “Better not,” he says. “I'm on the hook with Sink half the time and dealing with paperwork the other half. Let me know if he needs anything when he wakes.”

Tab nods, and Dick turns to leave, then pauses. “Put something under his head,” he says, refuses to sound embarrassed by the request, and leaves.

Tab takes his jacket off, folds it neatly and then very, very gently lifts Nix's head and slides the fabric under his cheek. Nix shifts a little and Tab rests his hand in the dark mess of hair, gentle and soothing, until he's sure Nix is properly back to sleep. Liebgott makes a derisive noise in the back of his throat, but he's thankfully quiet about it.

“Not you too,” he says, and rolls his eyes.

Tab gives him a sharp look. “He saved my life,” he whispers. “Twice. He saw the RPG and he yelled bail and I bailed, and then after being blown to fuck with all of about thirty seconds to come up with something, he managed to make it so I didn't die in the sand or spend days being tortured. He was so fucking quick you would not believe, Joe. And he went through hell, you saw the state of him. Forgive me for thinking he might deserve a little softness right now.”

Joe's quiet. “You're forgiven.”

With a strong second place to "Dick Winters hooked up with random men to practice in case he ever got to fuck the love of his life" because that's the most outrageous thing i've ever written.

My favorite chapter (if it's a multichapter)

ch5. It's got everything! Female characters, proposals, people being angry at authority, PTSD nightmares, ambiguous bedroom situations ft Don Malarkey, and ensemble shenanigans.

Hardest scene to write

The ending. I just suck at them!

Favorite character to write in the fic

KITTY WELSH, she who must be adored, always.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

This one I think my favourite dynamic is Easy as a whole. I fucking LOVE an ensemble piece, the whole reason i'm in this fandom is for The Squad. I love those moments in the show when the boys are sniping at each other and it feels so Real and authentic and I really hope i captured that a little.

Why I chose that title

Again, Brendan James' Hero's Song. Just... such a powerful and emotive piece of music.

A fun fact about the fic

I had no plot planned! and it shows! Also i was one strong drink away from making it an OT3. that shows too.

[my-hyperfixation-hell]

anyone else notice Jingliu was considerably gentle with Yanqing considering her training methods with Blade? (1.2 spoilers for late players)

first thing i need to say here is gentle is a very RELATIVE term. we're comparing her methods with Yanqing to literally (cw for canontypical violence here) fatally wounding Blade over and over again, knowing his immortality wouldn't let him actually die, just suffer, and taking into consideration the fact that she is Marastruck, hindering her ability to behave rationally. We're talking "gentle" for someone like that.

Her initial challenge to him is to kill more enemies, not to actually fight each other. when she DID fight him. her reasoning (or so she says) was because if she let him fight Blade, Blade would kill him, and there is a pretty big chance imo that would've happened if Kafka hadn't stepped in, and if he hadn't been preoccupied with Dan Heng, especially considering despite knowing he's outclassed, Yanqing refused to yield to either Jingliu or Dan Heng and Blade, Jingliu just disappeared on him and Kafka stepped in. Instead, she gives him the option to fight her instead, stating that she'll kill him with mercy, but it seems like she's giving him a choice, especially because she doesn't attack until Yanqing steps forward and accepts. She even praises his courage, and I may just not be detecting the tone properly, but it sounded like genuine approval to me.

Which leaves the question; would she have let Yanqing go if he backed down from fighting her, and stopped pursuing Blade?

In the end, she does get what she wants from him, some records. But she also leaves him alive, even saying her final move was "a token of her appreciation."

Yanqing himself seems surprised he was able to deflect it, and while I think there are a few reasons she left him alive, that was probably what earned her his respect and was the foremost reason why she decided to let him go; he proved himself to her.

I have a few thoughts on the other, perhaps more sentimental reasons. For starters, their shared connection to Jing Yuan. If any part of her still cares about him, which I believe she does, I think sparing Yanqing for him was a big factor in her mind.

On a similar note, I wonder if Yanqing reminds Jingliu of Jing Yuan when he was younger. Jing Yuan, in the trailer The Animated Flash, seems like he was just a little younger than Yanqing is now when Jingliu began training him.

Thirdly, while Yanqing clearly wasn't on her level, I believe he did impress her. If nothing else, killing him would be a waste of talent. I'm not just talking about the deflecting of her final move. I think his persistence and courage impressed her, too. I think she recognized Yanqing's decision to fight her didn't come from him arrogantly assuming he could win, but from his sense of duty (and, admittedly, his recklessness.)

Fourth, Jingliu nowadays seems to have considerable control over herself for someone Marastruck. I've already posted a theory on why that might be, but tl;dr without 1.3 spoilers, I think a certain someone might be helping her, similar to how Kafka helps Blade. That said, unlike our usual marastruck victims, Jingliu is able to somewhat rein herself in nowadays, whereas when she trained Blade, she might've had less self control. This may lend itself to the idea that enough of the person Jingliu was before the Mara was left to realize killing Yanqing would be senseless. After all, he poses no real threat to her. The worst he can do is let Jing Yuan know she's out there, considering she did give Yanqing her real name.

And fifth, Blade was someone Jingliu possibly projected her own feelings on being Marastruck onto. Whatever hatred she has for herself becoming an abomination, she may see in him, too, though this is largely speculation. I also think she went harder on him because unlike Yanqing, still under Jing Yuan's wing, Blade had no one else to protect him at that time. Blade had to be self sufficient, had to learn to endure pain and survive on his own. In her own, Marastruck way, I think there's a possibility that may have been Jingliu's attempt to take care of Blade.

This is a lot of rambling for someone who doesn't look at leaks or read a lot of the collectable books lying around, so I could have missed the mark entirely, but I wanted to brainstorm some reasons for fun, and they give me hope for Jingliu in the future.

She does mention at the end of their fight, after disappearing, that she suspects she'll see Yanqing again, so I hope we get to see that play out and get some more of the grand mentor and grand apprentice dynamic. It really fascinates me to see Jingliu interact with someone so much younger from the Xianzhou. Yanqing is brave and talented, but still young and in training. There's still a part of him in canon that's almost naive and still has a lot to learn, and his quest with Jingliu really highlights that. I think they make really good foils to each other because of that, and I like the idea that any mentorly (or dare my found family loving brain say maternal) affection Jingliu once had for Jing Yuan, in her own way, carries down to her treatment of Yanqing.

But who knows. As always I'd love to hear if anyone else has thoughts, but please avoid anything based on leaked content! I try to dodge that stuff like the plague.

[n0t-vzin1s]

bf!chuuya headcannons

gn!reader x chuuya

a/n: i'm so surprised at how much attention dazais hc post got so here's chuuya

---------------------------------------

small nsfw warning?? only mentions sex

where do i even begin with him

he's probably never been in a relationship before, and if he has it was only for sex

so when you (undoubtedly) ask him out he's a little hesitant

and by that i mean

he probably outright avoided you for two weeks straight until you surprised him in his office

and even then he puts his career in first place

"i'm an executive, you'll be targeted"

ok and

what if we can defend ourself?

what then chuuya

he's super sweet, i can assure you that much

gets into arguments with you about the most stupidest shit

you or him are probably super petty and will just ignore eachother until the other admits they were wrong.

hint: it'll probably be you

chuuyas got a short fuse so if he has to admit he's wrong you've got a one way ticket to hell

like dazai, he teaches you self defence

and then gets his ass beat by you

idk he probably sleeps with a stuffed animal in his bed that dazai gave him when they were teenagers

just outright refuses to get rid of it

dresses fancy. no matter the occasion. which means you have to match him. sorry.

probably plays an instrument or something

i'm imagining guitar or violin idk

his room has a lot of photographs from his younger years

(they're all him and dazai)

when you question him about them, he clams up and stays quiet

family man

he never really.. had one, growing up

so if he has any friends with kids he's already offered to baby sit

surprisingly gentle with kids

he's rich so he probably will buy you anything you so much as LOOK at once.

what's that? you glanced at this plant in a store?

he's already at the register paying for it.

romantic dates!!

walking through the park with your hands intertwined was probably his favourite

or the time he took you to a pond and went swimming with you at three in the morning, proceeded by watching the sun rise

little spoon

there is no way in hell this man is a big spoon

likes painting with you

but he sucks at painting so you'll draw something magnificent and he's got a circle

surprisingly

he has to take a lot of vitamins due to deficiencies

lets you wear his hat often

everyone used to warn you to never touch his hat but now he just straight up sets it on your head

lots n lots n lots of playing games with him

or playing with his hair while he rages in a cod lobby

when the lobby hears you talking to him and him talking back they make fun of him for being a softy

they are found dead later.

LOVES when you braid his hair

will never admit it though

watches your favourite shows and movies with you

instead of buying you flowers on your first date, he brought you a lego BOUQUET of flowers. that way they'd never die and you'd have the memory forever

has yoh paint his nails for him since he's too shaky to do it himself

cuts his own hair and offers to cut yours

---------------------------------------

it kinda just occurred to me how much i have going on in my life

1. coding a story

2. publishing on wattpad (@/talesbyraven)

3. editing on tiktok (@/sirjuuzou)

like it doesn't seem like MUCH but it's a lot considering how much time it takes up.

i coded today for maybe 5hrs and got 160 lines done, which a CHAPTER has around 2000-8000 per chapter. 🤷‍♀️

publishing depends on my mood, although it has been messed up for the last month but i used to publish once everyday, but since it's changed i've been stressed out.

editing can be time consuming, and depending on if it's a transition edit or just shakes and whatnot it can take between 15 minutes to an hour and a half, and it's hard finding the motivation lol.

[t-5seconds]

i'm doing a hunger games simulator of @comicaurora ! you may recall i already did one of these in 2020, but the cast of the comic has changed since then and i want to do another one.

the game is under the cut! (most of it, anyway. due to tumblr image limit, the ending is in a reblog.)

here's our tributes! only one can win. place your bets now

not much happening here

theia falls in a hole and dies! sad, i like her. tarren breaks kendal's nose?? i did not think they could do that. primordial life falls in a lake and drowns! not how i expected her to go out.

nobody else dies at the reaping. onto day 1, then

vash dies of hypothermia. not as dramatic as how he died in the comic but they can't all be winners

are my eyes deceiving me or are the void and light dragons getting along?? also, trusk dies trying to escape the arena. considering his canon backstory i think that's understandable

theia, life, vash and trusk all died of natural causes, so nobody has any kills! as such nobody is in first place yet

tynan kills his own teammate! i guess that's on me for making them teammates. tahraim kills kendal! tess kills jolon! lots of death on night 1!

caliban kills dainix! what about that vague project?? i guess in the hunger games you have to make sacrifices to win. onto day 2

erin pushes the paladin champion off a cliff! i thought he could fly, but i guess not.

tess kills the light dragon! caliban tries to kill tynan, but fails.

6 deaths today, those being zuurith, kendal, jolon, dainix, the paladin champion and the light dragon. with kendal dead, district 1 is out, and so is district 5 with the loss of the paladin champion! only lady huracan remains to represent the paladins. with 2 kills, tess is now in first place

nothing really exciting on night 2. i would love to know what kind of ghost stories the void dragon tells, though

erin spares ilia! tess forces shrike to kill tynan!

first the light dragon, now lady huracan?? did the paladins and the void dragon form an alliance while i wasn't looking???

only tynan died today, but his death marks the end of district 10. tess remains in first place

nothing too interesting here

erin tries to poison alinua and accidentally poisons himself. he was the winner in the first aurora hunger games, but it seems he won't be that lucky twice!

lady huracan tries (but fails) to kill shrike. everyone else just kinda wanders around

erin was the day's only casualty. tess remains in first place

no deaths on night 4, but lots of holding hands, snuggling, and questioning one's sanity

caliban kills the void dragon! that's the main antagonist dealt with.

shrike refuses to kill falst. weird, i would've thought she'd jump on the opportunity

acid rain! alinua lets caliban die! lady huracan lets tarren die! tess kills shrike! gleicann dies! tahraim lets lady ilia die, even though she is made of water and i would've expected her to be immune to acid rain, but i guess not!

6 deaths today! the void dragon, caliban, tarren, shrike, gleicann and lady ilia are all out! with their deaths, districts 6, 7 and 8 are out as well! tess is still in first place. can anyone defeat her? there's only 5 people left to try!

an uneventful night 5. how does tess have an infection if she's made of metal? is she rusting??

the feast! falst falls in a lake and drowns. don't worry falst, it's not that embarrassing. life went out the same way

an uneventful day 6 with our remaining 5 tributes.

falst was our only death today. district 4 is out. tess is, as always, in first place. i've just hit tumblr image limit, so the conclusion to the games will be in a reblog!

[inconmess]

This post by @sky-scribbles reminded me of something I've been planning to look up all day. I started it as an reblog to that post and realised it might become a longpost so I just cut it off here. And FYI, this is just a compilation of how I've seen Laudna react to something in

a) a personal betrayal

b) After Delilah nudges her to do something

Putting it under the cut because I seem to be doing a long post. Again. Still marking it as CR spoilers even though I don't really go deep into what happened in the recent episodes. Just to be safe

So, starting from the top, I mean, there is the obvious scenario where Delilah nudges Laudna to touch Imogen's glowing purple rock (I always forget its name, sorry) and absorbs its power without any warning and it has Imogen upset about it. I would have assumed that this was the first time Delilah took some energy like this but...

I distinctly remember Laudna's reaction to FCG's rage and how she had just had a conversation with Delilah prior to that in episode 31... Right after Laudna refuses to touch another glowing purple rock (I always forget its name, sorry)

(Just copy pasting from the transcript here but if you want a time stamp, it is somewhere around 2:47:00 - 2:52:00)

Delilah: Bewarned child, not everyone's looking out for your wellbeing like I am. I'll keep you safe.

Laudna: Want to share a little bit more of that information? Tired of you withholding

Delilah: I am just paying attention from my distant forgotten perch, my dear. You continue to wander around things that hold all manner of delightful and dangerous magics. You know the impact they can have on you. You know the impact that magic has had on you. I claim responsibility myself. So just consider this recompense for trying to keep you safe. For if you die, I go too.

Assuming from this, I think Laudna has had instances where she has absorbed power from magic objects even before the initial one we see with Imogen's rock and the way Delilah speaks here, this seems like an old conversation and before. (Again, I may be wrong) But her sucking away magical items didn't really have a impact that affects people close to her until she probably takes power from Imogen's shard, which upsets Imogen.

And During Laudna's turn in combat, (3:07:00 - 3:11:30) Marisha does say this

"Laudna is in a weird headspace and suddenly, she starts hearing this rushing in her ears, and she can hear the words that Delilah just said about how her friends are going to betray her and how I'm in a dangerous place and how I need to protect myself and my friends are going to betray me and my friends are going to betray me. I walk up to him and cast Hunger of the Shadows"

Matt: So as you grasp the face you hear that voice curl up from in the back of your mind once more and be like, "You see, at the end of all things, only yourself can be relied on, when all love is taken." And with that, you feel this rush, this overwhelming surge of power within the center of your chest, and your gentle, cold, slow heartbeat for a moment fills with warmth and life.

So that is the moment Laudna first uses Hunger of the Shadows and it does seem to empower Delilah in some form with the way it is described.

Also, let it be known that, if this is the case, until this point, if Delilah had been knowingly or unknowingly sucking power from objects though Laudna, it had been only through objects and Laudna didn't really know that. This is the point where Laudna actually casts a spell to feed Delilah with someone living.

Fastforward to Bor'Dor. Delilah is presumed to be gone after the Darkstone incident. Laudna faces another betrayal and casts Hunger of the Shadows again and she says she cannot be betrayed again and if what Delilah says is true and Laudna and her are always in a symbiosis, Laudna just gave a huge amount of power to Delilah because at this point, unlike FCG, she is transferring the whole lifeforce of Bor'Dor (I know he was already dead at this point and stuff but still, unlike FCG, he dies here so I think it had a greater impact with regard to the power which is transferred) and Delilah is reawakened. (I was rewatching this and right as Marisha describes her form for Dread, she rolls a die and says another 10. What does that mean? Was that her check for Delilah or something else?)

(Shoutout to Laudna's breakdown in ep65 too)

Laudna's reaction with the Shard and Ashton was interesting. With the shard, she actively asks everyone to keep her out of the line of sight or everyone helps her be out of the line of sight of the shard once they clock in the fact that Delilah wants it.

And when Delilah nudges Laudna about the shard after she runs away with Ashton's betrayal because they all had thought that Fearne was about to take it but Ashton did, Without consulting anyone, her thoughts turn as to how Ashton was a child, completely leaning away from how Delilah was garnering from Laudna when she stated that Ashton was a child. And she still actively tries to resist Delilah's temptation to absorb the shard into herself. (Again, I know wisdom saves were involved here if I remembered right so Delilah tried to influence Laudna here too)

So now, on Ruidus, she initially disagrees with Orym taking in some of the Willmaster's power via the harness, Delilah backing up her thoughts/mixing in with it as she tells her that the power should've been hers as she casts Hunger of the Shadows on the Willmaster and listen, compared to the previous time, prior to joining BH, Delilah has been fed the life force of 2 living beings now while before BH, it was restricted to magical objects (speculation)

So relative to the power of Delilah, I am assuming that she might've been more powerful now than before Darkstone even, cuz even though Laudna has been with Delilah for 30 years, which is a lot of influence and dependency Delilah can create over Laudna, the magical items may not compare to magic from people who are alive combined with said magical items.

So by the time the current episode rolled about, I am not surprised about the amount of influence Delilah has over Laudna, given the magical items, people and stuff Delilah has absorbed through Laudna to strengthen herself. And not only that, Delilah is a skilled manipulator and while I haven't seen much of C1, I have seen the Briarwood arc and seeing the effect she's had on Cassandra over just a few years and multiplying it a few times because DELAILAH WAS IN LAUDNA'S HEAD. Dormant most of the time, maybe. But Omnipresent.

Not to mention how she uses Laudna's love for Imogen and her determination about the lengths she will go to save Imogen to her own resolve to gain power. Laudna at this stage cannot be like... she is my murderer so she is bad. Delilah is not only her abuser and murderer but also the sole being who is in symbiosis with her and provides her power. And not only that, while she might not like it, the only company she's had, always, before she met Imogen because that is like 28 years of running away from people who hated her.

Speaking of the betrayal speech and how it seems to be a little old and repeated between Delilah and Laudna, cuz I DO NOT believe that ep31 is the first time they've had it, I wonder if this is kinda related to the companion that Laudna spoke about, of how a young girl used to travel with her for a while before she had to leave and the number of years Laudna spent on the run from villagers. I mean, it is deeply engrained into her at this point that even though she doesn't really say it out loud, she has internalised it and outwardly, trust issues.

And these trust issues definitely doesn't help when she leans into Delilah, thinking that empowering her empowers Laudna to protect Imogen better and Imogen hates it. Most of them in the group hate Delilah so who else could she talk to? Not the Tempest and the De Rolos? They killed Delilah and Delilah hates them. Not the Bells Hells because they hate Delilah but Laudna needs her, at least what she thinks is that.

(which also springs up a minor question in me. Is Delilah's hate for Vox Machina, given the fact that Keyleth is a member and Orym is a guard of Keyleth and one of her trusted amplifying whatever feelings Laudna has over the situation because Delilah feels negative feelings towards Orym due to who he is close to?)

As I type this, I think I can understand where Laudna comes from in episode 95, the decisions she took and maybe the reasons behind it. She couldn't tell the Hells she was absorbing the rapier to empower Delilah because they would hate it and wouldn't listen to it. She thought that stealth made more sense because she has been betrayed. Again. But even then her line of thought was different when it all started and when she got her hands on the sword, it changed because Delilah manipulated her again. It was tiny nudges but at her current state, it was enough.

Deep in her, she's always had a mistrust towards everyone and the situations with FCG rage attack, Bor'Dor's betrayal, Ashton's incident with the shard and the constant whisper of Delilah for decades, combined with the fact that now Orym took up the sword that honestly contains too much trauma for the group without a discussion was kinda her breaking point I think? Because tbh while everything mentioned here is spread over years in our time, in CR land, it all happened in the span of weeks *does a little calculation* approx like 2 to 3 months? (I am counting from ep31 for this)

But. That doesn't mean she was right or took the right way around it and in a sense, she is accountable for what she did. This post is not me saying that Laudna was right or Orym is right or all that stuff. No. This is me trying to dig deep into how far has Delilah's manipulation gone and how it has affected Laudna and her reactions, either in a PVP or outside of it.

Again, I might've missed something or gotten something wrong so... I am up for discussion and corrections. Until then. Thank you for finishing another of my messy thoughts and long post as I try to streamline my thought process cuz this is what it is.

Post Edit: Completely forgot to Add YU in here so... shoutout to her too. because I am

[ambrosialdesire]

i’m the same anon who was asking all those questions about cacoethes (abt eren and ymir not noticing that reiner kidnapped y/n and abt the scouts LMAO i’m sorry i just really like asking stuff) anyway i was wondering what the warriors thought 😭 like what were they thinking when reiner was bringing some girl to marry and how did the marleyans react… love u

hi and welcome back anon <3 LOLOL it's okay if you wanna ask more about cacoethes, i like talking about it and trying to describe more in-depth about the characters.

so let's start with annie and bertolt cause of course we gotta start with reiner's homies and the ones that knew about her since the start.

annie was already sorta close with the reader in the first place, close enough to be teaching her a bit of the moves she learned with her dad back home. the reader was so persistent on being her friend and learning from her that annie just gave in so she'd leave her alone, but she does share some platonic fondness over her. when reiner mentioned about bringing her home with them, she really did think it was terrible idea and that he was a hard-headed moron to think that a paradisian soldier would trust a trio of enemy titan shifters in the first place. part of her was trying to protect the reader from an unwanted life but also because she was more focused on getting the founding titan and finally going home. when she finally gets de-crystiallized and meets up with the scouts, she notices that the reader isn't with them and wonders if reiner really did manage to bring her to marley or if she got killed (but she already knew that reiner would never let that happen).

bertolt has been mentioned to be wary of the reader and at first, hostile towards her. he didn't like the idea of krista/historia either because he didn't want reiner's intentions to get the founding titan to be muddled with trying to find a wife on this island. when he started to get to know the reader more, he felt really bad that they were deluding her from their real selves and their true purpose for being here. she's a nice girl, don't get him wrong but reiner can find another nice marleyan girl similar to her. but he was so goddamn persistent that his wife had to be her and only her that he went along with it, especially after reiner offed marco and had an unexplainable mental break. he basically just felt really guilty overall and though he was sorta mean towards her, he still cared about the reader since they were slowly become friends. even when facing his death, the brief thought of her being forced into marley made him sick to his stomach and he had to die with the guilt that he didn't do more to stop his best friend.

now moving onto the warriors in marley! i'm gonna be doing the adults cause i've established briefly (i think in the second chapter) that gabi doesn't like the reader at all and i don't really wanna write about the childrens' (gabi and falco) or colt's viewpoint lol

starting with zeke, he didn't and doesn't really care all that much about the reader. all he knew was that she's a devil that reiner became too fond of during the years of being on the island and refused to leave behind, making him pull strings out of his ass to convince the higher ups to let her stay in the country. during the transport and the "immigration" processes, he considered her a complete pain in the ass for making him do all of this needless work. he also doesn't like the fact that reiner wants to have children, consistently bringing it up after meetings or whenever they don't have anything to talk about. he does admire the determination the reader has on abstaining from sex, amused by the fact that she's rejected reiner's advances for nearly three years. zeke thinks she's a little cute whenever she try to hide from his gaze but he doesn't think about you 24/7 like reiner does. she's just a weak devil-blooded soldier that reiner chose to marry and that's it, nothing more and nothing less.

with pieck, she's kind towards the reader and briefly shown to have a peaceful acquaintance with her. she doesn't really care much that she comes from paradis, but she was shocked back then when reiner told her to bring her unconscious body to the boat, wondering why he had decided to bring her along (at first she thought that she was the founding titan holder). she knows that the reader will always be uncomfortable with the fact that she was forced to come to marley so she tries her best to ease her mind whenever they hang out, occasionally with the company of porco (before the reader and him fought and became friends). she does enjoy her cooking and likes the fact that she lets her hide in the guest bedroom to nap whenever the others are trying to make her do her share of the paperwork.

porco absolutely hated the reader, at first. he was never okay like the others with the fact that she came from paradis island, bringing up the fact that she's a "full-blooded" devil. even when she became married to reiner, he thought the man was under a spell that caused him to be so disillusioned from the fact that she's a paradisian, the enemy they've sworn war on. so in the beginning, he ignored her or insulted her bloodline, never wanting to be in the same room as her ever. it seemed to work for a while, she avoided him like the plague as well until that fateful night. sparring with her changed everything about her to him. i will confirm that porco did develop a crush on the reader as the days went by the more he hung out her alone (he can now sorta understand why reiner chose her out of everyone in the island) but he's always going to be conflicted about it and never do anything about his new and indifferent feelings towards her. cause yk... she's married LMFAO even if the reader had told him that she's dissatisfied with being married to reiner, he's not the one who's going to cause or push for an affair between them. porco develops a fondness for her but he constantly has to remind himself that his duty comes first, not this woman that comes from the island that he's been taught to hate.

in all, they're basically indifferent towards her. like they know she's nice but all the kindness she gave out was a weakness that reiner used to his advantage. hope this was a satisfactory answer to your question HAHA

[skiddlecat]

what are the rain world aus saying to you

your ass is so lucky you sent this right before my bedtime. anyway you will regret this

under the cut is spoilers for taking life as is by @nerdydowntherabbithole and their little world rebuilt by @exx-bee, both on a03. i'm only talking about these two because i know i have So much to say that i won't have the time to talk about the other aus i'm being autistic over, so that'll have to wait. im tired please enjoy my uber autism

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH TAKING LIFE AS IS. there is just sooo much i could mention but one thing i've talked about over and over again and refuse to shut up about is the building tension between moon and pebbles. throughout the fic, pebbles keeps trying to talk about his feelings on the whole Killing Her thing, and each time moon shuts him down with a "don't you start now" or something along those lines, because she wants to move on.

what she DOESN'T REALIZE THOUGH is that this!!! is not how it works!!! it's understandable that after everything she's in her live laugh loce era but at the same time she is ignoring all negative feelings and pushing them aside to the point of toxic positivity! pebbles *needs* to be allowed to feel bad and grieve!! he won't be able to move on if his feelings are constantly being disregarded!! sometimes things just have to be bad, and yeah! it sucks! but it's better for him to feel like shit sometimes than to suck it all up and have a massive breakdown later! he's ALREADY bad at communicating his feelings and this isn't helping!!!

moon isn't doing it on purpose obviously, she just wants everyone to be happy, but GOD if it isn't clear that it's hurting pebbles. i feel like this is gonna snowball into a massive fight because this whole problem is clearly starting to piss him off.

and their little world rebuilt... hoop boy. for not pebbles and moon related thoughts, i loove how much of a little shit ui is and how so obviously violent they feel towards pebbles. does he deserve it? probably not. but they are SUCH a brat and im living for it

and suns... SUNS... WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS... the tube. the fucking tube why did they put themself in the tube. ohhh my god suns i love you but you're sooo stupid. you and your messenger just have fresh trauma now. good job

BACK TO MOON AND PEBBLES. the contrast between their goals is honestly kind of funny. moon wants to repair her can now that she's a slugpup and while pebbles ALSO wants to repair her can, he also wants to dive into the void sea hesd first and never be seen again. WHICH WON'T WORK BY THE WAY. HE ALREADY WANTED TO DIE BUT NOW IT'S PARTIALLY FUELLED BY A DESIRE FOR PUNISHMENT WHICH IS *NOT* LETTING EVERYTHING GO, HIS ASS WOULD ECHO. his ass might not even make it to the void sea before guardians kick hm out. hes too young.

oh and. of course i can't forget-- Pebbles Is Going To Lose it When He Gets To Moon And She Isn't There. like getting moon neurons and a rarefraction cell is his ONLY will to live right now and it's been established iterator puppets disappear when they get scugged. he's gonna think she's sooo dead because he won't be in the right mindset to consider she's also a slugpup and he's gonna spiral over it. complete breakdown. Goodbye

dear god ok. have to cut this here because the sleepy is getting me so so bad. APOLOGIES. ENJOY MY UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE

[datastate]

chapter 10. devastated.

"i can't believe i didn't stay with [miharu], even if it meant forcing myself" i just have no words. i have no words.

hough. well at least this counts as confirmation that yoite has gone rogue? :'] i'm glad he got away...

POINTS FRANTICALLY. PAINFULLY. i'm sorry yoite.

i'm actually going to die. even down to the fact he's wringing the hat in his hands when he asks this, when he realizes he's relaying something so heavy in implication, but asks that miharu not try to delve further into it than he can or should. that's it. and then just. all of this then leading into the next part when miharu refuses...

to frame it no longer as a request but an order, something easily understood to both of them then... yoite you are fucked up man. god this is so good though. miharu's expressions... speaking of --

i just. need to go back to this. they're killing me... what happened. please...

& i. finished the chapter very quickly after this, but. god. how do i get my thoughts in order after all of that.

well, for the obvious praises; the composition is so delicious, i love how even the framing of yoite from something defeated to imposing changes so easily up until the point they could be considered 'equals' -- the plot, as i've already said, has got its hooks in me already!!! it's all so interesting to dig through and... the characters. they really make the journey through the world feel. tense.

i adore how the author builds up characters. this has been something consistently well done throughout all of the previous chapters, and it's really built up to a lot of interesting cornerstones of the story. personally, of all i've read so far, i feel that it's reached its peak specifically with miharu at this point.

prior to this, miharu's shown smaller signs of how he is beneath his generally-apathetic outlook. of course, when he yells for tobari, that's the moment that everything really came crumbling down, but he had a recovery period to build that back up. but here? yoite keeps pushing him to give that answer -- to determine if he does love (or at least care for) those people after all -- and yet... even with them as the hostages, we see miharu outright say "i won't be lonely" upon accepting. because unlike everyone prior, there is something he can actually do in return for yoite. instead, this is an alliance where the necessary give/take, the inevitable exchange that removes the debt, is already laid out. which means that miharu can guiltlessly stay here, and even having yoite say that he's going to stay until miharu achieves that is just... aughhh

and yoite... holy shit yoite. this is the most he's spoken in the past ten chapters and they really made every word count to show what exactly he's been quiet about. the resignation that was previously there... i cannot emphasize how much i love yoite's character & the underlying implications of any contracts to harm others being. forced? which... okay. i might be reading too much into this, but similarly to miharu, i feel like he was also in a position regarded as a prodigy of sorts. which would make it that much easier to carelessly use the powers given for that first while on another's behalf with how he reasons miharu's reluctance to be that he distances the blame from himself if it's another's order. it creates a reflection of fuuma to tobari; now yoite to miharu -- " i once had a heart that pure, too " (although yoite is at a place where he can criticize that distance, he still relies on it being a facade put up for the threat to work; if not for others, then for himself, but if even that doesn't matter, then he's a vessel to be steered...) -- & also!!! even the "i am not alive, so i am not afraid to die" toward the start of the chapter just hits so much different with the full context. already, he's insisting to himself that it never happened. god.

tobari, too... you really get to see the source of why he's so quick to act. if he doesn't act soon enough, or doesn't do the right thing (& wants more time to fix it or try again), then he only has himself to blame. it betrays that he's grown into a very self-reliant person without his grandfather or parents. without proper support to soften the fall, all the mistakes from then on will be so much more obvious. there is no lenience there, and particularly with miharu... ahuuu... just seeing him hold his face and question what he'll do if miharu's dead. it really kills me when even miharu doesn't know that his existence in itself provides that waypoint for people like him and raimei now, even without needing to give up something tangible in exchange.

which. speaking of... hough. raimei wasn't in this chapter, but i have to mention her. i already was fond of her because i enjoy her sort of dramatics & humor, but getting to really find those snippets of her past and seeing how she's trying to work up the courage to finally confront it... augh;; she still has so much to do, and she knows that, but she's steadily making progress toward finding her brother again, even if it means accepting that the tie to her biological family is forever finished with. what she was given was only given to her once, and due to her or her brother's actions, it's been taken away forever... it'll stop forcing her to push herself forward, but would that really be such a good thing? or is it better to work herself down to the bone like tobari already has over these countless years? would there even be any stopping for her...? is there any place that would take her back, or has she wasted all of her single chances to have anything precious... there's a reason she came clean so quickly to miharu. either to wrap it up and do away with the alliance right then so she could move forward, or to strengthen it. but regardless, she just had to clear the air so she knew if she truly fucked up or not.

koichi, too... i find him a fun character, but mainly in reference to raimei and tobari. there hasn't been a full chapter focused solely on him, but i have appreciated the little notes we've gotten here and there abt how he's... honestly more of an archivist than a fighter. a teacher, maybe someone who could help heal the group if he really set his mind to it, but nonetheless someone who has to stay back and has been told as much by tobari. with all of this, it's been difficult to find a point to really prove himself to miharu other than the inciting incident of pushing the sword through him, which had been completely covered in the shock of the moment even if miharu now understands. there have been joking references to him feeling excluded, but i do think it's important to recognize the way it'll bleed into his own self-perception + how. well. inferiority complexes are ripe for placing doubts of those you're meant to be able to trust. what can he do for them, really...

just. all of the major character introductions were really good and distinct. and these past two chapters... i already mentioned it, but the reflections between tobari & miharu both having to confront things they never had to before, pressured into accepting a path that they had refused even if it'd benefit them... 💥 it makes me sickly beyond repair. it's really interesting though... <3

it's very hard to rank favorites, although i do know koichi is down there (sorry bro), but i think i'd have to say it'd be something like this

i swear i don't want koichi that low, but unfortunately fuuma's pretty interesting when he's being a cunt </3

other than all that... i'm trying to think if i have more to say, because i'm sure i do, but i'm just. so invested in this already... i really like what they've done with the world already & the conflicts slowly rising from the natural temperaments of the character... well let's say they are making me a sicko [shaky thumbs up]

[kobblefort]

Blackfaint: Rat World Forever

This is what happens when I click on the "PETITIONS" button, which no doubt is alerting me that the newly established farmers' guild wants a hall. I don't think your average player of the greatest simulation game of all time Dwarf Fortress is ever going to see this. It's kind of cursed, but it's kind of magical. I can't dismiss it, which will drive me crazy since it does that little "shimmering" animation. I suppose I'll just have to assume that making the guild hall nice enough will make it stop. I don't know, I'm not in a hurry to please them. Now if there was a herbalists' guild, though? Those are the guys holding it down.

Another strange mood takes another rat straight to the clothier's shop that made Eeteek go berserk and start the fight that ended in their death. I suppose Vatekeek Learnedmaligns thinks it will be fine for him which in my opinion is the proper rat world attitude.

Also, things were going too well for a minute there, so here come 9 lesser rodent people. I was telling this to someone earlier but I think that rats are pretty cool in real life. Rats are like dogs stuck in rodent bodies basically. But mice are horrible little skittering creeps that will randomly run out from the walls just to die in the middle of your fucking floor like oh do you mind if I randomly die here, if I just roll over and die in the middle of your fucking floor, well I'm going to do it if that's alright, actually me and my 100 little cousins thought it would be cool to just scamper around as fast as possible at 3 AM and then randomly suddenly die, there's no way to get us out besides doing chemical warfare on yourself, blame yourself for living in a garage even though it wasn't your idea and you didn't want to do it. So basically mice fucking suck and the rodent men, naturally, are mice, compared to us, the superior rats. And we're really gonna need to figure out a way to make sure they end up dead on the floor. Which should be totally doab

This sucks man

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. The violence is fast and extreme and really fucking bad and we don't have nearly enough graves to start burying everyone. The only people who can really fight are the miners, and the mouse people brought actual steel spears this time: that's a huge advantage in range and damage. We're down to 13 rats. Considering I was thinking that we would actually get to 50 and then maybe that would let our rats elect a mayor of some sort which would maybe let me use the Nobles & Administrator screen and its myriad functions, this is a pretty fucking shitty result. I guess worrying about the surface first was the wrong move but honestly it was a blind 50/50 anyway. It might be worth it to just say fuck it and lock off the caverns for a while. There's no way with this few rats that we could easily set up any kind of bulwark, we still have 100-something food, I don't know I'm kinda just feeling pretty gutted over how fast things went to shit like from okay to terrible in an instant, I know I just did that "rat world forever" bit like 30 seconds ago in your time and 30 minutes ago in mine but yeah I'm not feeling it.

This fucking asshole pays me back for being nice and refusing to Cask of Amontillado his ass by flipping out and dragging our population down to 10 so far, maybe more. Even with a copper pick splitting his leg open he still crawls along trying to fight anyone who gets near. He struggles on and on until finally an herbalist Ch'tk Sinscaly who's tired of this shit walks over and strangles him to death.

Wow, I wonder why. Next fortress, workshops are DEFINITELY going to be set up for easy cask-of-amontillado'ing.

This asshole is here now. I don't know. The caverns are already sealed off, so who cares. I've never seen something break through sealed doors, but now I definitely am not going to unseal them. It kills the last few mice in a matter of seconds and then sets about lazing around right by the entrance to the cavern to make sure we never go back in there again.

Yeah come on in guys don't mind the other 10 notifications. Sure we can host some fucking elf poets and shit. Whatever. Is one of you naked? Lol, cool.

Oh yeah don't mind all the bloody fucking warm corpses starting to stink on the ground. Yeah this guy failed to Express Himself so he went around killing people. You get it. Right. Sorry we don't have time to watch you fucking dance or whatever we have to feed and water the grievously injured. But yeah stay as long as you like. Actually you know what though try not to eat too much. Just gonna say it we're not gonna have this food forever.

No Thicivi I don't think it is and you might not actually be a very adequate observer.

This shit happens downstairs which sucks. RIP our first forgotten beast I guess. Gotta watch out for those steel spears man. They're bullshit.

The bodies are just sitting on the floor because we're using the empty tombs for people whose remains we can't recover. I just had an idea, because I hate the caverns now and want all mouse people to suffer. What if we just drowned them. Right? Hear me out. It's a pretty common and kind of grim trap in the real world to drown mice by making them take bait in the middle of a bucket on a thing they fall off of into the bucket. Well what if we brought the bucket to them? And by which I mean dug a bunch more aquifer taps that led straight down into the cavern layer and just flooded it to hell? I think it could be funny. If we were always doomed to never make it here then why not do something fucked up like that.

Look at this face in the cistern. It's like an omen. I didn't make it on purpose but now it's here. Telling me "this is a place of great suffering." And you know what my reaction to that information is? Yeah I hope there's more.

So here it is. An absolute mess of exposed aquifer surface area, leading to little narrow high-pressure tunnels that terminate with one little spigot into the caverns.

And it's working. It's working fast. Yes, I used DFhack to speed it along - two injured miners were not about to hustle on it and I wanted to see it start happening already.

Maybe this was just a party that got out of hand. You know? Maybe this was just a shitty idea. Leaving the warband to settle down? Fuck that. Other people make fortresses. Ratfolk take them. This was never a fortress. This was just a big bucket to drown a bunch of stupid fucking mice in.

The ten of us left can head back to Malignreasons, wherever she's camped now, apologize for our stupid little excursion, take the flogging we're given and go back to doing what ratfolk are really supposed to do. None of our original seven have even survived, besides K'keek Vicescourge, after all - with their untimely deaths they left all the shame and humiliation for us. Rat world was pretty cool for a second there, it really was, but it's time for us to get back to our real lives. Real rat lives.

You can see there in the center, the rodent men scrambling for high ground as the water comes up to their knees. Their home ruined, some of them washed away to be drowned in their cages. Of course it's inhumane, but was the way they jammed us with spears and chopped us with axes humane? Besides, humane? News flash, we're fucking rats!!

Everyone starts filing out. Some head back toward the warband, some just head whereever their feet take them. Everyone but K'keek Vicescourge, who spends a bit more time here. Carving stone coffins that will never actually be filled. The guests just stand in the sad, empty dining hall, completely dumbfounded. And K'keek starts on one last project.

With a ghost at her back, in the worst mood of her life, but still compelled to carve it and place it. The first statue ever made at Blackfaint. And the last one. The only one.

She's ready to go now.

Rat world sucks.

Rat world forever.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I cant remember if i already sent in an ask, but i dont know what to do. Seven months ago, my dad relapsed back into his alcoholism. One night he got drunk, left my mom in an empty parking lot where my brother and I had to pick her up, and when we got home he had trashed all her things and threw her stuff out onto the front steps. It isn't the first time he's done this, my whole child it's all I can really remember him doing, but for awhile things were okay. Once he saw us though, he was an animal. He attacked my brother and they fought and we all had to pin my dad down while he screamed he'd kill us all. Once we thought it was okay to let him up, he lunged for my mom and my brother took the hit and they fought again. I had to call his brother, my uncle, to try and reason or stop him.

He nearly starts fighting my uncle, breathing heavily and his eyes just wild. I remember staring him dead in the face while he threatened he'd put a 40 in our skulls and kill us. That night we grabbed what we could and slept at my uncle's. The next morning, he felt guilty and apologized repeatedly but I blocked his number and refused to speak or see him. I still live at home though, meaning I'm still in a way in contact with him.

I'm done. I can't take it anymore, and what's worse is I'm alone in this decision. My dad is by no means a perfect person, I'm not either, nobody is. But this was too much and I've made my choice. My mother keeps trying to convince me to heal and accept my dad because he's an addict and given different circumstances, if I had an addiction or eating disorder, they wouldn't just abandon me right? But it's not the same, it really isn't.

I do have an eating disorder, I have CPTSD, I'm in pain and have been for a long time but I handle it and it's not something I let them see or know. What's his excuse. He's been abusive, manipulative, vile, and I can't forgive him.

I guess recently my dad had a small heart attack, and who knows maybe he'll die soon. But I don't feel anything about it. There's no anger, no sadness, no rage, just nothing. Maybe I'm in shutdown. Regardless, I'm not sure what's right anymore. I'm going to be saving up to move out, and if I don't have enough then I'll live in my car. He can kick me out for all I care. I can't stay anymore, not here.

Rent is insane where I live, I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to save or if I'll even achieve this goal, but I need to do something. Everyday gets worse and I can't keep waiting for another bomb to go off, or for my mother to comfort me by saying "the bomb is okay, accept it." She asked me to go a therapy session with her you know, mother daughter therapy. At first I agreed but after what she said today, she can forget it. Even after all this time, she doesn't understand. She never will.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. There is absolutely no obligation to forgive him. It's reasonable to resent him even if his behavior is related to substance abuse or whatever other excuse is given. Even if someone adequately takes accountability for their actions (which it sounds like he doesn't) you still don't have to forgive them, and it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to still feel hurt. It almost sounds like your mom is an enabler. You've seen a long pattern of violent, threatening, and hurtful behavior from your father, and so it makes sense why it's so hard to be convinced that he's something better. It's okay to not worry or even grieve if your dad passes away, especially in context. Do consider that if these violent episodes continue, it may be necessary to call the authorities, though it can definitely be easier said than done.

Although I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to go to therapy with your mom, being able to speak with a therapist could potentially help you a lot in processing these experiences and your feelings surrounding them, regardless of whether or not your mom benefits from it. It could be an opportunity to meet with that therapist individually as well, and they may be able to see the situation for what it truly is.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions feel free to add on, otherwise I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun