#i refuse to believe alison would like. Hate them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 13 years ago

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MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2011 Alison emailed a letter to the police chief at the troll’s local PD. :) I’m proud of her! And so the ball is rolling, but where it ends up remains to be seen. Gotta admit my buddy’s got more guts than I do. I wish I could say otherwise but I have no faith in the system or those running it. One decade and two states ago I got sick of their abuse of authority and their lies, and therefore I lost my ability to trust in the system altogether. Because of it, I let an awful lot of shit happen to me. I guess I also didn’t want to appear as vengeful as some others have been. You hear about double standards and people’s civil rights being violated but you never expect it to happen to you. You never think you’ll be told a certain problem is “over” just to find it’s not. You never expect to be promised a year of probation - not that you even deserve a minute of it for words on paper you never forced anyone to read - only to end up wishing that was all you got. You never expect to “go down” for what you’re led to believe are journal excerpts you wrote (perhaps with some alterations on their part), that you later learn was really for a letter you never sent. You never expect a sentence fit for a wife-beater. You never expect those who are supposed to uphold the law to tweak and break the terms of your probation at will all the while knowing that your own ass will be back in the slammer if you so much as stray a millimeter from those precious rules and that the honesty and integrity of the “victims” who the actual perps were were never once questioned.

But I have vowed to move on and put these people and these events in the past where they belong. If they want to hang onto their own hate and obsession – fine, they’re welcome to do so and that’s their problem if they can’t get over it, wherever they may be these days. I’m only making a point as to why it’s so hard to trust the system.

I also don’t believe people should waste the time of the police, corrupt or honest, unless someone’s actually done something and not just because of what they might have said. Well, the troll I’m referring to has started to cross the “spoken” boundaries.

Later…

Took a two-hour nap but am not really sure if I fell asleep. Did I?

Tom just got up and will be gone in a couple of hours, leaving me feeling once again like a fish in a bowl who hopes no one will try to stick a net in and fish out. I wasn’t going to do certain activities like play music that could be heard outside in case anyone came down to try to arrest me, but that would really be letting them control me. So I refuse to be as quiet as a mouse and do things at certain times. If they come down here I’m not opening the door whether they hear me in here or not. I can’t stop them from making Jesse open the door, but I’m not going to make their “job” any easier for them.

I keep telling myself they have nothing on me and they couldn’t possibly arrest or sue me. But what if they framed me or I wrote something I think is legal that’s really not? Or what if I don’t get in trouble for anything I said about the freeloaders but for the pigs instead? They spited Amanda Knox when she had less than kind words to say about the way they mistreated her. Ok, so this may not be Italy and I may not have said any of them hit me, but I did speak of being set up even if I didn’t use full names. Cops are sensitive and if any of them have a guilty conscience or something to hide, then a certain black pig just may try to pull something on me. It just won’t win this time. I would literally kill myself first same as I would have killed myself to escape the streets like I thought I was going to have to do and was prepared to do. 2003 was the last time anyone would ever treat me like a child or that I would lose a moment’s freedom or a single penny to the sick black bitch.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2011 I am so fucking sick of the same damn troll that I’ve told to leave me the fuck alone for over two years now!!! She created yet another FB account and sent me a “,,,,,” comment from it, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. I blocked her, of course. What disturbs me most, even though I haven’t written anything I absolutely don’t want her to see, is that she was in my blog for over a minute today. Over a minute! What’s up with this blocker lately? And how many more years or decades is this shit going to go on???

I realized posting links to individual entries where she can access them was a dumb idea. She can usually get in for just a few seconds so if she can click each one individually she can read at least the beginning of the entry. But some days I write more than one entry, and believe it or not she also takes a few days off from my blog occasionally, so by the time she got a chance to scroll down to what she’s missed she should be kicked out.

I’m really surprised she hasn’t harassed me on Formspring in a while, but that’ll come next, I’m sure.

Although childish perhaps, now I’m toying with the fucktard. I tweeted a post about dreaming about her showing up here in an adult diaper. Then I ran and deleted the post. Oh, how frustrating it’s gonna be for her to click the link just to see that the URL can’t be found, LOL.

The bad freeloaders/corrupt cop vibes have faded. If anything I feel like something good is about to happen. But that doesn’t mean I’m “off the hook.” They could still try to set me up for some kind of fall.

Looking back in my Arizona journals before sentencing, it seemed like I both did and didn’t have bad vibes, but also wasn’t as developed as a psychic as I am now. I trust my dreams and vibes and at this point, I can’t see anything bad happening to me/us, no matter what or who may be involved, without me having nightmares at least a day in advance.

I’d say that if they’re going to send a subpoena that I actually receive it will be before the year is out, probably by the middle of next month. If I don’t receive anything that was sent I can start checking for warrants around March or April, figuring that the court date would’ve come and gone by then. Although I can’t imagine how or why, there could already be an arrest warrant out if I’m wanted for questioning, but I’m not going to check now when the pigs may be watching my every online move on the off chance it wasn’t a scam. All I can do for now is keep on praying them off and hope something up there does more than just hear me. As in actually listening to me!

Andy may be covered in snow, but at least the bugs there are dead. Here we have these annoying little flying things that bombing the place would be useless against because they’re small enough to fit through the screens.

Menopause is definitely setting in, so it seems. I usually get woken up with cramps in the middle of my sleep and have to take something. But today I only became aware of them when I woke up for good, and my flow is much lighter, too. I sure am quite a water balloon, though.

Later…

Tom’s going to grab some more groceries, fill our 5-gallon water bottle, and then check the mail. My heart beats with anxiety every goddamn time he goes to get the mail to possibly come home with a subpoena of some kind. sighs I guess it’s going to be like this for the next few months whenever he checks the mail. I try to tell myself that having a default warrant out on me isn’t the end of the world… unless it’s something federal or some kind of lawsuit that could get our wages garnished. If it’s just the state or the city against me, however, then the pigs outside of Arizona couldn’t touch me.

How sad and also ironic it would be if he did come home with a summons of some kind, for it was exactly 11 years today that I was sentenced to half a year in jail, all for words on paper.

Another unfortunate thing just occurred to me. Tom was saying the other day that they rarely kick doors down when serving arrest warrants and how they wouldn’t force their way in so long as I didn’t open the door. But what about Jesse? What if the pigs convinced him to unlock the door or to at least give them the keys?

I keep going back and forth in my mind from ‘the pigs wouldn’t be snooping in my Google account if they didn’t think they had a case against me’ to ‘there’s nothing they could logically charge me with.’

But what’s “logical” about Arizona laws??? The sentences are crazier than the laws themselves, but the laws are crazy enough.

Later…

Thank you, God! Yes, there is a good God at least so far. Instead of coming home with any summons since certain sensitives out there can’t handle some of us who dare to speak our minds – especially us white Jews – he came home with a $25 IHOP GC from my folks. :)))

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2011 Another warm spell has worked its way in, so we’ve decided to put off calling Jesse down to deal with the heater till Thursday. That way if he has plans to take off for the evening we’ll catch him before he gets the chance. It’s still chilly at night but not cold. Not like Andy, LOL. He’s already looking at half a foot of snow and temps in the 20s!

I am so damn tired of trying to find things in here that I refuse to bother trying anymore unless it’s something I absolutely have to have! But is having so much trouble finding things really due to having to have so much shit crammed into tiny places, or is something wrong with my memory these days? I may be getting older, but maybe I’m doing too much too fast. I’m learning several languages, writing several books, and then there’s my regular online work/hobbies, housekeeping and laundry. This weekend I’ve got to clean the bathroom, do laundry, change the rat’s cage and give the grease ball a bath. I don’t know why this rat just can’t keep himself clean like most rats.

Had a weird and detailed dream about us moving to a bigger place somewhere around here. It was nice but part of it didn’t make sense and I really don’t know what to think as far as the house and moving dreams go. One of the Florida dreams suggested we would move there straight from this place, so I’m just not sure what to think or how to read some of these dreams. But they are picking up in frequency and I’ve moved enough to think they might mean something. Who knows, maybe we will move somewhere next year. Been here for 3.5 years already and that’s a long time for me. In the last 25 years, I’ve lived in 9 apartments, 1 duplex, 3 houses, and this trailer. That’s not counting the 4 months we stayed in hotels between Phoenix and Maricopa, the 3 months in hotels in Oregon, and the 8 months in hotels in Sacramento. I only stay in the same place for an average of 1-2 years. The variety was interesting – sometimes even fun – but I’d really love to settle down in a modest, peaceful little house in a Florida adult community as much as I know that’s just a dream.

If the dream meant anything, then good things will keep happening at work, including them hiring him on and maybe even giving him more money. We could afford to move now, I just don’t want to take chances this soon and without him being a permanent employee. I’m still not sure I’d want to take the chance then, but I also don’t want to stay cramped in here forever, so we’ll see.

In the dream, the house appeared to be a long rectangular shape like this trailer only it was a real house. I was standing in the middle of it sort of in a hallway but facing the living room. I glanced left and right and saw bathrooms at both ends of the place just as Tom answered the phone.

It seemed I was only just then realizing it had two bathrooms and was so damn happy about it that I practically shouted with tears of joy about how nice it was to have two bathrooms again.

Tom then said it was my mother calling so I stepped into the living room and took the phone from him and was telling mom about working out and how tomorrow was cardio day and then I gave her our new number. That’s the first part that was weird. I not only didn’t seem to give her an area code, but we wouldn’t get a new number if we stayed in the area and this house “felt” like it was in the area. I remember most of the numbers I gave her too, which were ??0 - 11?0

The other part that didn’t make sense was that the house was close to others. Unless someone practically gave us a place for free, there’s no way I’d live close to others just anywhere. Yet Tom was talking about a houseful of rowdy kids a couple of houses away and I could hear some barking.

At the end of the dream, I was answering Tom’s questions in Spanish. My Spanish was fluent and correct too, unlike some dreams where our second language sometimes comes out either garbled or incorrect.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2011 Currently, I’m a 45-year-old woman living in NorCal. I’m liberal, a bit on the eccentric side, and my passions are writing, music and studying languages. It was 24 years ago that I began journaling consistently. How very different my life was back then! I still prefer the me of today even when things are rough.

I left my MyOpera account public for now so those who may’ve been out of town can have a chance to catch up on anything they might’ve missed since I’m not copying past entries over to Tumblr. Then I may set that blog to friends only.

I tested my own IP again. The first time I could view my blog for 7 seconds. By the third time only 3. But one second is too many when one can take screenshots if they keep scrolling. It’d be a helluva pain in the ass, but it could probably be done with a little determination. And if she doesn’t know this, what’s to say she doesn’t know someone who knows this that could tell her about it?

Later…

Tom got a nice bonus of $125 added to his paycheck. :) But we’re not sure why. It says, “VPP bonus for September.” But he only worked a few days in September.

The big boss also commended him on doing a job well done with a job that was hard. Tom doesn’t think it’s that hard, though. He says it’s hard, yes, but not that hard.

Most people are dumb, like it or not. So what’s not that hard for him probably would be hard for others. The only thing I’ve seen him struggle with is languages.

I have been learning more and more about computers, programs, scripts, code and setting up websites. I love to learn so long as it’s nothing illegal.

I deactivated a couple of accounts on sites I no longer use. That way no one could leave me messages there that I might not check for but would otherwise want to know about.

Since the nights are getting chillier we have to get Jesse down this weekend to fix the heater. While it may be a nuisance to have to deal with, the best part is that it won’t cost us a dime. :) Who knows how big or costly a job it will end up being? He may have to get someone out next week to deal with it. My schedule kind of sucks right now but we gotta deal with what we gotta deal with.

Heaters are nothing compared to what the sickos down south may have up their sleeves. Yeah, still no nightmares but still worried. While it’s true that I would expect to be served this week or next if they’re going to serve me, it can also take months.

I don’t worry just because of them alone, but because I know something up there loves to yank the carpet from under our feet whenever we start to get ahead. God or whatever could just have him laid off, but since they obviously like him so much where he works, what better way to tear us down than with old enemies? Again, I still don’t see how that’s legally possible but it also doesn’t mean they can’t make it illegally possible. They did it before so why not do it again? My speech rights and more were violated, and nothing’s changed. Meaning that the law was never fair and it never will be.

So instead of being only excited about the raise and the kind words from the big boss, I worry something up there is saying to themselves, “Glad they’re excited about the raise cuz they’re going to need it with the trouble they’ve got ahead.”

I just hope to hell God has better feelings toward me than He did in 2000 and that He would never again feel the need to use such monsters against me.

Although I can’t imagine it for the life of me (not that I could imagine them screwing me like they did in the first place) I told Tom never to put his own self at risk and come after me if I ever get legally kidnapped and extradited anywhere. I told him I’d get out on my own somehow and hitch as many rides as I have to back home.

I’m a little disturbed that the troll could access my blog for 31 seconds today, and yes, I’m sure of the timing. The second time she tried half a minute later, no time registered. A few hours later she made two more tries. The first time she was in for 15 seconds, the second not long enough to register. sighs A lot can be read in half a minute, even 15 seconds. I did a test on myself again and I was kicked out in just a few seconds, so IDK, maybe the times logged aren’t quite accurate.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2011 Tom says I’m safe and that being arrested, served, extradited, and or sued isn’t an issue. Then why does he feel that some repercussion is in store for us on account of the black bitch and pigs? Something annoying, but manageable?

I still don’t know what to think. I fear the worst but hope for the best. If she hadn’t already used the law to screw me with and if reverse discrimination wasn’t running rampant and if Arizona’s laws weren’t so crazy, I wouldn’t worry at all. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But some people just don’t care. People that can’t let go and that just may have a way of making it at least look like I did something wrong.

I still think they’ll serve me with some kind of summons for God knows what. I just don’t know if I’ll actually get it. I also don’t know if this is the first time she’s gone running to the pigs just because I only first knew about it on the 18th when I got that message from Google. She probably ran to them years ago. That’s just the spiteful, vindictive sicko she is.

I’m not as stressed as I was last week, but I’m still a bit apprehensive. Still praying, though I don’t know if it will continue to do me any good. So far so good, but these things usually take months to play out if there’s anything to be played at all.

I’m angry and embarrassed she managed to scare the shit out of me all over again if not directly, but if that’s the worst of it (and losing my Blogger blog even though I chose to dump it), fine. Maybe I’ll like Tumblr better. It’s too soon to tell, though there are some things I both do and don’t like about it.

Later…

I’ve tried and I’ve tried but it just seems that lately, I can’t get myself to focus on much story-writing. So I’ve given up for now and am still learning the ropes at Tumblr where I learned the hard way that messing with themes throws off coding. I had to reinstall the codes for both the tracker and the blocker after tweaking with themes upset things and I don’t know for sure that they’re working again. I hope I caught it and fixed things before the troll could discover Aly’s blog there. Sooner or later, as we both know, she’ll find it. That’s just what stalkers do. She checks her other blogs religiously, as Aly put it, and being the attention whore that she is, it’s only a matter of time before she tries to force her presence on us again if not from one site than from another. I see she’s rotating through mine as usual. She came in from Formspring and then from Facebook. Aly says she checks one of her blogs at 10:30, 9:30 my time. I will be on the lookout at that time. I tested the blocker on my own IP so I know it can work on Tumblr. Inserting a code is much easier there than on Blogger. On Blogger the code had to be in just the right spot, but on Tumblr, you just drop to the end of the code lines and stick it in.

My new body pillow came today. It’s nice but different. It’s heavier and feels different because it’s filled with gel fibers instead of the usual cotton ball type of fluff.

I also won a mug for a contest that must not have ended till after I stopped sweeping. It’s a glass beer mug but I don’t see why it can’t be used for coffee, hot chocolate and things like that.

What didn’t come – not that it still might not – was any summons to appear in court for whatever fictitious bullshit the nigs and pigs may hope to screw me with. Again, only time will tell if these assholes can move on and let go, but I’m not ready to hold my breath.

Another Naneless day, and yes, it’s more than obvious that she’s toying with me just as Andy suspects. Still not sure how I’m going to deal with her and when but she’s the least of my concerns right now.

It’s Jesse I’m wondering about. I’m not concerned but I’m hoping he’ll let me sleep tomorrow as I’m on nights right now. I was just waking up at 3pm when I heard a loud, vibrant rumble. My first thought was the motorcycle but as loud as that sucker is, it ain’t that loud. So I got up and went into the kitchen. That’s when I noticed he managed to drag down the detached back of that old ugly pickup he’s had at the side of the drive for the longest time without waking me up. He added it to his shit pile, so now we have more of an eyesore to see from the side window in the kitchen.

I thought the loud truck was a propane truck, but after seeing what I saw, I’m not sure. I saw a green truck appear to be coming down his drive, and then it seemed to go back up and stop. This is the time of year there’s lots of land activity and he’s always up to something, so hopefully he’s not about to start work on some new project that’s going to take days or even weeks with anything as loud as that truck. That was insanely loud! I don’t think I could get the sound machine loud enough to drown it out.

When I was showering the pipes made a horribly loud sound I never heard them make before that sort of reminded me of a semi’s horn, something else I hope won’t be a regular occurrence around here. sighs I seriously wonder if I’ll ever get to live in a place ever again that’s no older than 30 years.

Every now and then that age-old question pops into mind – did Tom deliberately keep himself from cumming to prevent pregnancy, or did he really have a problem that was out of his hands? The answer may not matter now that I’ve long since gotten over any desires for a child, but I think it was both. With all I’ve learned throughout the years, I can look back on it and truly believe it was both. He had a problem, but it was a problem he was ok with. More than ok with it since I also believe he didn’t really want a kid. He would have stayed and been a great dad had an accident occurred, but I really think he saw his problem as a blessing and used it to his advantage and that was why he was too content-appearing with it and not eager to see a doctor. It wasn’t about embarrassment; it was about his not wanting a kid enough to find the idea of seeking help worth it.

Later…

I sure am learning a lot. I just discovered something weird that wasn’t an issue on Blogger. I wouldn’t call it an “issue,” but it’s definitely different. Well, I blocked my own IP as a test to see if the block was working and noticed that I could see my blog for a split second before I was redirected. Well, TIP picked me up. Before Molly wasn’t showing up at all on my visitor blog when she’d try to go check me out on Blogger. So maybe the blocker has been working all along and she was redirected after all after a split second but TIP still logged her. Hope she’s not smart enough to take screenshots during those split seconds! I thought tweaking the themes was knocking the code off since it seemed to upset the tracker, but apparently not. It would also explain why she registered as having visited for just 33 seconds, though my blog surely wasn’t visible for that long! It could be counting her previous Blogger visits. It looks like she tried to hit me twice, with both hits being just seconds apart. She first came in from Formspring.

It was definitely smart to scrunch my blog in skinnier now that I know she has that precious second. Also, most people don’t have giant monitors, so at worst, even if she is smart enough to take a screenshot, she’ll only see a few lines. I originally scrunched the blog so text wouldn’t stick out way past the pics.

Just checked on my laptop, figuring that’s the screen size most people have, and could only see the first 3 lines.

I still don’t see how she would have registered as 33 seconds. I’m guessing it’s counting previous hits. These things may not almost be precise but it still seems like a bit much. If she were really computer savvy she would know to zoom out as much as she can and then screen shoot the thing, enlarging it afterward in a photo editor.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2011 Not sure if I should be worried about the dream I had last night – or this morning – as would be more appropriate. No one busted in and dragged my ass off to Arizona or anything like that. God also didn’t decide we should be poor again but this time at someone else’s expense by allowing Tom’s hard-earned wages to be garnished. But I pissed off a PO I didn’t know was my PO.

We were living in what appeared to be the Phoenix house which is no surprise because for some reason many of my dreams take place there. Only they seemed to have added an extra bath. They put it where the oven was, LOL.

They also seemed to do things backward these days where you would get a PO assigned to you upon suspicion while an investigation was run and you possibly went to court, too.

At one point there was a knock on the door. “We shouldn’t answer it,” I said to Tom, unsure if anyone was investigating me. “Right?”

“It’s probably just a spam visit generated by a contest you entered or something you signed up for. I think it’s a real estate agent wanting to sell the house,” Tom said.

I peeked out the vertical blinds and saw a stout, middle-aged Mexican woman. Then Tom peeked out and jostled the blinds while he was at it. I said, “Hey, don’t let her see someone’s home!”

The next day we were pulling out of the driveway when the Mexican lady ran up to my open window and let me have it for ignoring her. Then she shouted about being “done with me” and that I would have to get another PO. She was gone before I could even say one single word in defense of myself.

It seems I misunderstood Andy and ended up irritating him when I certainly didn’t mean to. But it also seems we have different definitions of what’s porn and what’s funny unless I’m misunderstanding him more than I realize. He said something like it not being porn unless it turned me on, but I thought exposed dicks and pussies were considered porn whether or not it turned you on. And it doesn’t. Maybe I’m just weird, but I prefer sexy to trashy. Exposed privates never did a thing for me. I find a woman sexier with clothes on even if it’s not much at all. Meaning it never amused or turned me on and I told him this. But I won’t simply ignore any future pics he may send. As he said, that’d be lame.

Alison wants to meet him, though, because they’re both into porn, so I emailed him her email addy.

Had the runs again today and I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m nerved up enough for the runs, so maybe it was cuz I ate so damn much yesterday, like 2000 calories. We may look better when we’re thin, but it’s still so nice to know that as long as I work out 3 times a week I can eat an average of 1500 calories a day without getting any fatter. :)

Based on the article Tom read, a natural disaster that kills a third or half the population isn’t necessary. Supposedly, the experts say the world population will peak at 9 billion in 2070 and then start dropping from there. Meanwhile, the world’s food source is nowhere near at risk and the earth could probably support up to 20 billion people. Well, maybe so, but when I go to Walmart at the wrong times I sure wish half of NorCal’s population would cease to exist.

We’ve been able to leave the windows open for several nights this month. I don’t think we’ve ever been able to do that before in the month of October, so it’s been nice. However, we have to shut them up tonight. It’s going to get down into the low 50s.

Later…

Just created a new Tumblr blog. Not sure yet if I’m going to stick with it. It’s very different yet similar to other blogging sites like Blogger and MyOpera. I like how outsiders can see my customized background but hate the boring teal user interface I can’t seem to customize. That’s the part that’s different, though MD is that way too, where it looks different from the outside in than from the inside out.

I’m still fairly new to Tumblr. I’ve had accounts there before but always ended up elsewhere so I never really got a chance to explore much of the site.

I like how adding code is easier than any other blogging site I’ve used but I don’t like how I could customize my background only once. Then when I went to add a customized theme to see if the design would overlay itself against my chosen background, it would not let me re-customize the damn thing. So for now I’m stuck with a boring plaid theme. At least I could change it from purple plaid to pink plaid.

I like how they give you separate ways to upload different things – text, photos, videos, etc., instead of doing it all in one entry.

I’m not going to spread this link around publicly just yet due to Molly, though I suppose that somehow, someway, she’ll find me even though this site doesn’t ask for real names, and she doesn’t, to my knowledge, know any of my email addresses. I also used a username I’ve never been known to use before but did allow for indexing.

Instead of marking my MyOpera and MD blogs private, I’ll probably just let them sit as is for now. I don’t care about Blogger and LiveJournal, but I still love MyOpera and MD too much to simply dump them. Besides, I have friends there. I posted the link on Facebook because that account is private, but made sure not to auto-tweet my posts. Not until I test the IP blocker on a friend’s IP. If I could know I can block trolls, then I can share my blog link more freely. For now, I’m only giving it to my closest friends in private.

I don’t like how the search feature doesn’t work or how I can’t allow commenting. There is a way, I guess, but it’s a complicated setup. I’m not big on comments anyway.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2011 Yesterday I listed 20 random facts about myself. One of them included my thoughts and opinions on the many corrupt law enforcement officials out there. I should add, however, that I have known a few good cops. Yes, there really are a few out there who don’t think donning a uniform and a badge makes them God. There are also some in which to them the job is about justice and not how many people they can “get.” I even knew one once (I lived next door to him) that told me, “I could waste my time putting just as much effort into going after someone with a joint or for something minor as I do with someone that might have raped, killed or molested some poor kid, but I don’t. Big guys are always my number one priority.”

Now that was a cop who protected and served. I’ll bet he’s still doing just that, too. I at least hope so anyway, and yes, I’m talking about Kim’s ex, Mark.

No one came to question, arrest or harass me in any way and if they did I slept right through it. I first fell asleep at around 4am, and then woke up a few hours later right as Tom was leaving for work, with a gassy belly. I took a Rolaids, laid back down and was fine. Only I couldn’t fall back asleep right away. I turned off the stereo’s white noise and switched to the portable sound machine turned down low. I could hear chirping birds and Jesse’s truck over it just fine. This was when I told myself, “You can’t keep living like this every time you’re on nights during times he has a job! You’re letting this bitch get to you all over again. Meanwhile, she’s going about what’s no doubt a stress-free life as usual and things are no doubt going well for her. Don’t let her win!”

Determined not to alter my life in any way on account of her, I turned the stereo back on, fell asleep about an hour later, and slept like a baby till almost 4pm. Well, make that “slept like a log” since babies only sleep a few hours here and a few hours there.

Tomorrow my body pillow should arrive. That and my court summons. I still can’t imagine what the charges could possibly be since I haven’t broken any laws. Whatever it is will have to be completely falsified and made up.

I wonder if the pigs have contacted Jesse, not that he’d necessarily tell us about it if they had.

I miss being able to track my blog visitors but I also like not seeing the troll. I mean I still know she’s reading it almost every day, but I like not being reminded of her existence until she tries to force it on me again on Formspring and by tweeting to me from her latest account.

When I was emailed more pornographic pictures from Andy I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy must be pissed at me for some reason.” Why else would someone send me something they know I’m not interested in? To each, their own, but porn simply doesn’t do anything for me. It doesn’t excite me, it doesn’t make me laugh, it doesn’t do anything at all. If anything most of it is cheap and trashy. So if one knows this, then why would they want to send it anyway? To annoy me? To get negative attention? To push me away? I don’t care what he does on Formspring; it’s his account after all. But any more emails I receive with picture attachments will be ignored.

When Nane asked that I stop sharing any sexual fantasies I have about her I was quick to oblige. She wasn’t asking much of me and as a friend and I didn’t want to annoy or offend someone I cared about. Or come off as perverted. I know Andy’s no pervert, but excessive porn or sexual talk can make one appear that way after a while and not complying with simple requests makes one come off as a less than a true friend.

These days, however, I no longer care about Nane. I’m not going to spite her in the end, but I am going to eventually cut her off my friend list. I simply cannot care about those who obviously don’t care about me. I’m tired of part-time friends who tell me all these seemingly believable stories as to why they haven’t been in touch. After a while, you pull back and realize it’s one thing after another after another. Hey, we all have one thing after another going on with us, but I don’t go 6 weeks or more without at least dropping a quick hello on those I consider friends. I’m just not sure when I should drop her. This month? The next? Or maybe the next? And do I drop her family with her? Irene? I’m not sure I like the idea of dropping Irene.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2011 Still nothing scary in Dreamland. We might have even been driving around Florida again but I’m not sure.

Better to be paranoid for nothing than not worried for a reason. I mean I’d prefer to be stress-free with nothing bad waiting around the corner even though I could kick myself for contacting her in the first place. But once again there’s a huge difference between me and her. I only said things she didn’t want to hear and was annoying at best. She displayed her old vengeful self by dragging the police into it when just like last time, nothing was actually done that could harm her. And if anyone should know that one doesn’t actually have to do anything to someone in Arizona in order to be in deep shit it’s me. I have looked at the situation over and over again from a logical standpoint and I still don’t see how I could’ve done anything illegal. But even so, if anyone’s going to try to arrest, question, serve, or extradite me it will probably be this week. This may be an entirely different case and I may now be in a different state, but they seem to subpoena for info one week and arrest the next.

Then again, maybe not. I just looked back in my old journals. It looks like I called the black bitch from the motel somewhere between December 23rd - 25th, then they arrested me on January 6th. The holidays might’ve slowed things down, though.

I guess all I can do is hope that the pigs aren’t hell-bent on “getting the last word” and having the final say in the matter of this sick hater. I’ve been praying this bitch off several times a day but the rest is up to fate. If God wants to serve me on a platter to this bitch and the pigs, He will. I hope not, though. I hope this time around it’s me He protects. Especially from extradition and garnishing. If they want to serve me with a summons that I ignore and end up with a bench warrant for, fine, so long as they don’t arrest or garnish me.

Not all crimes get you arrested before being subpoenaed, though. The only time I was arrested for prank phone calls was when I called the pig that got one of my old numbers and then Laurie H. Gee, what a surprise, huh? Still, you can’t really compare Massachusetts to Arizona because what’s usually a misdemeanor in MA is a felony in AZ. Like you couldn’t compare prank calls in Springfield to S. Deerfield. As I learned, S. Deerfield took them a lot more seriously than Spfld.

IDK, maybe it’s just me but I don’t think people should go running to the cops unless they’ve either been harmed or have been ripped off or something serious like that. I don’t think they should be used to run to just because someone pisses you off with something they may’ve said or written. But again, maybe that’s just me.

If they serve anything I don’t get, the default warrant will probably be out and about by January or February, so next spring I’ll see if I can do a warrant check on myself. I’m guessing it would be from Arizona if there was anything because that’s where she lives. In other words, if someone in Michigan threatened someone in Kansas, it’s Kansas that would run the investigation, not Michigan. So if the Michigan person is ever ordered to appear in court, they would have to appear in Kansas, not Michigan.

Why couldn’t this have happened when he wasn’t working if it was going to happen?! When he wasn’t working there was less to lose. I mean there’s more to lose the less money you have because that’s just part of being poor, but when you do have money, you risk losing that money. They can’t garnish Unemployment checks.

I also hate sleeping in the daytime when he’s not here because I may not hear anything potentially dangerous due to the sound machines blaring, like if Jesse came to tell me to get the hell out due to a fire in the area.

I am such a screw-up at times! The reason Andy couldn’t see my entire blog is that I accidentally – and stupidly – sent him the link to just one entry and not the whole blog.

Looks like we’ll have temps in the 70s and 80s throughout the rest of the month and no rain.

I never really bothered with New Year’s resolutions before but I guess if I had to have one this year it would be to stop trying to make my dreams a reality. I’m not only too old to be chasing silly dreams, but if anyone should know that dreams either don’t come true or are nothing you envision them to be if they do come true, it’s me. Therefore I’ve decided never to bother to try to move to Florida. This is where we live, this is where we’ll stay. It doesn’t mean I might not check out a bigger, newer rental in a retirement community someday as I miss living in a real house, but I don’t think we’ll ever be able to afford that. Retirement communities are expensive unless you’re willing to take an apartment there.

Random Facts About Me seems to be a popular personal blog theme lately, so I thought I’d throw out some more facts about myself just for fun, even if I may’ve mentioned them before and not everyone will agree with them all.

I love bright colors and find earth tones boring as hell.

I will drink orange juice but I hate anything else with orange.

I am very mistrusting of those in law enforcement not just after I myself was lied to by some cops and a public defender, but because of all the stories of corruption I’ve heard. The dual standards and the fact that the police can break many of the same laws we’re supposed to abide by (lying, speeding, etc.) and the fact that they get such light penalties for the crimes they may commit if not away with them altogether, greatly confuses and concerns me. So does their thirst for “power” and “control.”

I have no faith in the justice system after watching countless criminals who have committed acts of violence, theft, fraud or other serious crimes get light sentences if any at all, while those who haven’t actually done anything other than do/say things that are simply seen as “mean” or “annoying” by some people get the book thrown at them.

It greatly disturbs me that there are countries that kill women and children simply for wearing the “wrong” hairstyle or for trying to escape an abusive spouse.

I get most of my story ideas from dreams.

I would love to see some kind of natural disaster kill a third or half of the world’s population due to how overpopulated the world is becoming as long as none of my loved ones or friends are killed.

I think some of the cheapest and basic foods should be free like apples.

I believe people should be given jobs based on their qualifications, not their gender, age, race, nationality or sexual orientation.

I miss owning a pool and swimming!

Spam can simply be marked as spam as annoying as it is, but I wish the law would crack down harder on phishing and fraud-related emails.

I love Foster Farm’s honey BBQ chicken wings. I could eat a whole bag every day.

I love all kinds of music but am not big on metal, gospel, jazz or classical.

Sleeping during the daytime when Tom’s not home makes me nervous unless it’s raining out.

I wish I could be “normal” but know that normal is overrated and boring.

I drink about 2 liters of water a day.

I wonder if I should dump Nane, a woman in Germany I have a crush on who only seems to want to be my friend just some of the time.

I love rodents and wish dogs didn’t exist. I love to “hug” my giant rat.

I fear growing old and dying alone.

I also fear something bad happening to me that drives me to suicide within the next decade.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2011 We tried installing StatCounter on my MyOpera blog but it’s not working. We followed their step-by-step instructions, but if it’s going to track anything it sure is taking its sweet time in doing so.

Not much else going on here today. Just the usual – grocery shopping, laundry, etc. We did order me a new body pillow, though. This one’s made of gel fiber instead of cotton fluff.

We rotated my mattress again so I hopefully won’t have to keep waking up with the same lower backaches I’ve been waking up with every day until I get a new one.

The daily saw buzzing started up about an hour ago. The sun’s going down now so maybe they’ll give it a rest soon. It may not be a saw, though, that I’m hearing. Maybe it’s some other power tool. I only know it’s coming from the west side of the property. I feel bad for those with parcels of land closer to it unless they don’t mind.

Got the sound machines going so I don’t have to listen to the dogs for the next 8 hours when Jesse takes off for the night.

Would love to hear from the “contest” lady again. I’m amazed she’s been following me this long unless it’s someone connected to her and that contest. But she was the one that left the “shiny bra” comment. Today she left this:

“This is me in my shiny sequin bra. It makes me feel so sexy, mature and sophisticated. My husband adores me in it! Lingerie is a nice way to unwind and feel good after having to wear work clothes all day.”

That’s when I remembered the lingerie “contest” I was paid $10 to submit a picture for through MT. The one where the “winner” was a professional model. Still, 10 bucks is 10 bucks. I’d do it again. :)

And of course I never know what may be connected to my past legal tormentors. The stress is lower at night and on weekends, but it’s still a menacing cloud hanging over me that I live with, wishing it was over but knowing it’s not. Once again I just wish I knew what they had in mind and just how the hell a handful of blog entries or anything I said in the blog is supposed to be illegal enough to warrant a look-see into my Google account from the pigs. Tom said he doesn’t think they’ll try to arrest me or serve me any summons, but that doesn’t mean someone might not try to question me as a “courtesy” or that other little things may not happen even if they’ll still be manageable.

Well, like I said before, I’ve moved on. Meanwhile, the pigs and the sick bitch that just can’t seem to let go can do what they want because just like I promised a decade ago, I will never again fall victim to them. Not any crazy, vindictive civilian. Not any corrupt, power-tripping pig.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2011 Feeling pretty yucky today. :( I was up 18 hours and only slept 6. So once again I’m tired and feeling kind of out of it. After 10 minutes of working my arms/abs, and another 12 or so on the treadmill, I had to stop because I simply didn’t have the energy to go on. I suppose I could’ve pushed myself if I’d really wanted to; I was just too run down to try.

Yes, the stress is still there. I’m still sure this is why I haven’t been getting enough sleep, why my heart is racing, why I feel dizzy and lightheaded at times, and why my stomach’s still a bit off. No matter how many times I try to tell myself not to worry until and if something happens on account of this obsessively hateful bitch, it’s not that easy. And no matter how much of a record she herself may have the pigs aren’t going to even look at that or care. All that matters, unfortunately, is that she’s black and she’s already nailed me in court once before. Now that she’s made her little complaint it’s out of her hands and in the hands of an agency filled with a bunch of people high on power play. We call this agency the police department.

I can’t just breathe a sigh of relief and consider myself safe if nothing happens by the weekend or next week or the week after. These things take time to play out. It can take months before I’m summoned and if for some reason they can’t get our address (though I don’t know why they couldn’t) that doesn’t mean they didn’t still issue a summons which would still be just as valid as if someone handed me the damn thing.

And I still can’t imagine what they think they have on me! They have no grounds for spam, slander or libel and this is why I’m greatly concerned that the bitch and company may’ve fabricated something threatening. I still can’t believe the pigs would subpoena Google if they didn’t think they had a case. But what case????? I’m not going to check to see if there’s a warrant for my arrest because the pigs are probably tracking my online activity. There may not be one, though, unless they send a summons I either don’t get or that I ignore. It’s anything federal I’m worried about because then if they pull us over on the road for a busted taillight and automatically run a check on us, I’m fucked. Same with if she successfully sues me even though I still can’t imagine what they have on me unless it’s fabricated. That scares me more than anything.

We’re also wondering why AT&T was here yesterday. Tom said they were parked by the fork when he got home. The connection’s been the best it’s been in ages and it still is, but we still don’t get what they came out for.

On top of the shit sickos in Arizona, Molly and what’s probably her friend Sarah P are bugging me again. They left comments on my blog yesterday and now Molly’s asking Andy questions on Formspring and following him as a way of forcing me to acknowledge her existence, so to speak. Now he too, will be stalked for years and maybe even the rest of his life, though he’s not into blogging or Facebook. Just Formspring, Twitter and Fleetwood Mac fan sites.

Sometimes I miss the days when the internet was little more than stores and email, but no social sites or blogs! I sometimes think of just deactivating and or abandoning my online life altogether but I don’t want to dump the good people that care. I could always keep in touch by just email with Andy, Aly, Kim and Christine, but IDK. Getting rid of my online life would get rid of some stress, but it would also get rid of some fun, too. The only good this stress is doing is that it’s knocking my appetite out and my weight down.

I also miss the days when my biggest stresses were noise or some shit like that. I was doing so much better till I had to get that message from Google! :( I was so much happier and it was so nice not having so much stress on us. But now I worry that this sicko’s going to steal my freedom and our money all over again while God ignores my prayers for protection. I just wish I knew what – if anything – is going to happen. That’s the only way we can know the best way to fight back. But if we’re ever taken by surprise, then we might not have time to fight. Or run.

Nane is still continuing to ignore me yet she’s added another picture and responded to other people who have posted to her wall. She seems to be ignoring Irene, too. I’d say I’ll definitely be dumping her at some point; the question is just a matter of when. A part of me wants to dump her right now, but another part is curious to see how long she’ll ignore me and what her excuse will be if I ever hear from her again. These days I like to surround myself with true friends or just acquaintances and not part-time, phony “friends” that appear to care one minute and disappear the next and back and forth and back and forth.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2011 Didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to and am still a bit tired, but at least I’m over the runs that hit me yesterday till I popped some anti-shit pills. My heart’s racing a bit too. I guess I’m still a bit anxious.

Someone’s already fucking with me on MyOpera where I’m currently allowing for anonymous comments. Probably Molly who’s now latched onto Andy and will probably add him to her lifelong stalking career. She asked him why he “talked about me to a girl who doesn’t know her.” Andy just gave a goofy answer. She’s following him now too, on Formspring and me on Twitter with her latest account. I blocked her so she can’t tweet to me, and I just might disallow anonymous comments on MyOpera. Not sure yet. I don’t want her to have as many means of contacting me, but I also don’t want to let her control me. I started to delete past posts on MD and MyOpera cuz of the black bitch, but that would be letting her control me and letting her win so I left everything intact. Besides, if she’s that determined to victimize me all over again, I can’t stop her from trying. All I can do is not let her win. If anyone ever legally kidnapped me or garnished our wages, that’s not something we could “ignore,” but subpoenas, summons, calls, threats and bribes could be.

Back to who’s fucking with me. There were 3 comments.

“Didn’t know you were back here! May rejoin since some others are back on here. LOL. I don’t think the real deal would talk about that with you. LOL.”

Didn’t think the real deal would talk about that with me? What the hell does that mean???

“Gosh, you’re self-centered. You really think too highly of yourself.”

This one seems the most Mollyish.

“Why don’t you add the picture of you in your “shiny bra” to your photos? It really is too funny!”

What shiny bra??? I wonder if it’s the black bitch or an associate referring to the topless picture embedded in one of my old Blogger entries. I was starting to think just how stupid it would be of her to have someone (if it isn’t her) fuck around with me while she’s trying to “get” me, but that’s exactly what she did the last time. She fucked with me a million times more than I ever fucked with her before and during the time she used the law to plot against me.

I don’t know if I’ll stay there or go elsewhere just yet. But for now, this is where I’ll be. Christine is so happy I’ll still be blogging, LOL. She really is the #1 fan of my boring/stressful life.

FF finally stopped crashing whenever I’d log onto Facebook, and all is running smoothly in PC land. Well, smoother at least.

After I corrected the mathematical error I made saying I’d go belly-up at 220 pounds when it should’ve been 800 pounds if I gained 20 pounds a year for life, Tom pointed something out to me and that’s that unless I kept eating more and more every time I gained weight, I really would stop gaining at some point. I couldn’t eat more than 2000 calories a day, for example, because I’m small and so my calorie needs are less than average. I’d probably still hit the 200-pound marker, though, if I ate 1500 calories without exercise and 2000 with exercise, so I guess I’ll continue to at least maintain my weight for now even if 135 is too much. I just don’t have the willpower it takes to put up with the hunger that would go with cutting my calories to 1000 so I could lose weight.

Sent a letter off to my parents. They should get it on Monday.

Mary’s release date is now pulled up to 12/7/12. So unless they pull another nasty on her in the end, she’s closing in on the final year.

I’d say the flaxseed is definitely speeding up my hair growth. I wasn’t sure at first but adding a tablespoon or two to my oatmeal really does seem to help. Just wish it wasn’t so curly. At this length, it’s hard to gather it in a ponytail cuz the curls keep springing back, LOL.

Nane’s back on Facebook and still ignoring me. Guess what, though? I’m ignoring her back! :) She loaded 71 new TR pics. Her face is looking worse and worse with each pic! I think that’s mostly cuz they’re getting closer and clearer so they show her imperfections more. Great bod, but not even I have all that wrinkling and I’m only 5 years younger. She’s skinny, though, and wrinkles are more prominent in skinny people. Nice falsies too, but her hair is too light and her nose is too wide. She does have a prettier eye color than my slimy moss-green eyes.

Later…

Was thinking about the shitster down under me and I really hope I’m not just kidding myself in vowing to ignore her. What if she and the law simply won’t let me ignore her?

Fuck it! I refuse to ever again fall prey to this vengeful hater who’s nothing but a white supremacist in reverse! She wouldn’t let me ignore her for 7 years. Then one day I took my life back and I ain’t giving it back to the sicko all over again under any circumstances! Not now. Not ever. She can keep the obsession and the hate going, and while I’ll always hate the bitch in return, I’m moving on. Period. I’ll never contact her again in any way and I’ll never let her victimize us again through the law or by any other means! I have not committed any federal offenses that could get me arrested no matter what state I live in, and if they’ve filed city or state charges, that can’t get me arrested either. Last time around the state was against me. Being that it was the state grand jury was why they could fetch me from Maricopa since that was still Arizona. So they’re welcome to send all the summons they want. I will not see them in court again and I don’t care how “challenged” the twisted pigs may feel or how hungry for power and control they may be on account of this hateful, sick bitch.

What I mean by “challenged” is that the pigs may’ve read that I refuse to be railroaded by them ever again and that might have put them in an oh-yeah?-we’ll-see-about-that-kind-of mood. But if they’ve taken that statement as an invitation to try a little harder to fuck with me, that’s their problem.

I also heard from Maliheh and Alison. Maliheh urged me to please not think it’s me that’s been causing her lack of messages. Her right hand has been falling asleep and she’s been sleeping a lot. I guess she can’t convince her doctor to test her. She asked if I’d help her with a complaint she wants to lodge against them and I said I would.

She also said that from now on if she hears barking after midnight she’s calling the cops. LOL, good for her.

As for Aly, the poor girl’s cancer has spread and she has to have more surgery and return to radiation since the pill was a waste of time and money, as she put it.

I was a bit dismayed when she said she gave up on praying since it wasn’t doing her any good, not just for her sake but because I wonder if my praying to keep the sick bitch from ruining my life all over again is doing me any good.

Later…

Kim said she was the one who left comment #1 about rejoining MyOpera. The “self-centered” comment was probably Molly, and the more I think about it, the “shiny bra” was probably her friend. Maybe Sarah P. Whoever it was couldn’t have been referring to the topless picture of myself after all because I checked and it’s in that album.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2011 Mentally I am utterly terrified right now. Physically I am sick. It’s all I can do to get myself to sit up in this chair and write this. I keep trying to remind myself it’s probably not real and I’m just being paranoid.

It’s the evil witch down in Arizona that victimized me through the law a decade ago. I checked my Gmail account late last night and found a message from Google saying the Police Department subpoenaed for account info. The town the PD is in is where she lives! I have never written or sent one single threat or racial slur and I am so terrified that I could be in the process of being set up right now. I’m no legal expert, but why would they subpoena for info unless they thought they had some kind of case against me?!?! And what case? What could I have possibly said or done that’s illegal? I have said things not everyone would agree with, but illegal? No way! Not unless somehow, someway, my blog or email accounts were hacked and manipulated and I already know they have been hacked in the past.

I am so, so petrified of being extradited or sued even though I didn’t use last names and never talked about anything that wasn’t already a matter of public record that anyone could look up! The thought of this sick, hateful, vindictive bitch destroying our lives all over again for God knows how many years makes me utterly sick to my stomach! I have prayed and prayed for God to protect me from her but it’s hard to put much faith in Him. Remember, He already let her have a go at me once. So how can I count on Him to protect me this time? When I said I feared something up there would yank the carpet out from under our feet for the millionth time I never thought that would be because of her, but it was once because of her, so I guess if something can happen once it can happen twice. Maybe I’m being paranoid but I don’t think so. I just don’t think so. If they’re looking at records they’ve got to have something up their sleeve. And why do I think the message waiting on the phone Tom leaves home with me is the police department asking me to call them back? I can’t figure out how to retrieve the damn message, though. sighs It’s going to be one looong day until Tom gets home. I would never call them, though. It’s not only a bad idea to talk to the police, but you also can’t trust a damn thing they say.

I woke Tom up when I got the message because I was freaked out by it. He tells me I’ll be alright and that he thinks it’s got to do with my email and not my blog. I disagree. Blogger and Gmail are both powered by Google and like I said, she lives in that town. She also works for the city and that has me worried in itself. That’s part of how she was able to make a mountain out of a molehill in 2000. That and being friends with “Mr. Biased Crimes” in a state that favors minorities.

After barely 5 hours of sleep, I woke up with the runs. It was time to put those diarrhea pills to use after all. I am not only exhausted, but I’m both hungry and nauseous at the same time. I tried to get a little oatmeal into me, but that’s all I can handle so far in the 4 hours I’ve been up.

When I checked my stats I found that I had a visitor from Scottsdale, AZ. A friend? I ran the IP and it came up as broadband and not corporate. They were there for less than a minute.

If it’s about something I said in my blog that they don’t like, why haven’t they had Blogger just shut my blog down?

Like I said, I’m utterly terrified because I know that if the cops really want to get to me that bad, they can and they will. If they sued me and garnished his wages we’d be as fucked as we were on September 16th. We’d also be fucked if they arrested and extradited me. Who the hell would bail me out this time around???

I just can’t imagine what it is I may’ve done that’s so bad, but we’re talking Arizona. A state that treats just about everything like murder and that favors its minorities. I don’t know that I could simply “ignore” any subpoenas I may get because there’s a fictitious “victim” involved who’s black while I’m white. I totally feel like a fish in a bowl. :( All I can hope is that they don’t fish me out of that bowl but I fear they will. Why else would they subpoena records??? I can only guess it’s to see where I live so they can either arrest me or have me served. And because I don’t know what they think they have on me, I don’t know what the charges are or how serious they could be.

Yesterday I swear I heard a car door and thought someone drove down here. It sounded close like maybe up at the fork where the electrical box is, suggesting they could’ve been checking to see where the internet wiring ran to. Or at least verify with Jesse that I live here. I know this is CA and not AZ but that was the first step last time when the pig came with the “Robin Hatch” story to verify my identity. The next day was when they made the arrest.

Although we use our mailing address online and not our physical address, I know the pigs could find it if they wanted it bad enough. All they’d have to do is contact our IP. Couldn’t they find out who that is easily enough since they’re the only ones who service this area?

I am so stressed out right now and so terrified! Being extradited or sued would totally ruin us. Totally. But I can’t believe Arizona of all states would let this go or that they’d “move on.” I doubt they’re calling to tell me to shut my blog down or never refer to the case again. No, they’re calling to tell me what they want to charge me with, and if I haven’t already been summoned, I will be soon.

Every time I hear what I think may be an approaching vehicle my entire body tenses up. Someone drove up there yesterday morning while he was out, but it appeared to be an old white pickup from what I could see through the trees.

I was tempted to either deactivate my blog or delete most of the entries, but if the cops are checking me out, they’ve already seen what’s there. And what’s there isn’t really “deleted” forever. It would also make me look like I had something to hide and it would be letting her win, too. She won more than enough 11 years ago. I can’t let her win again. I just can’t. But how can I stop her without knowing what they have in mind and just what their plans are???

It’s probably unlikely Arizona would come to CA to arrest/extradite me, but if I ignored a subpoena to try to sue me (and I would mostly because I would have to), a judgment could still be issued against me even if I weren’t there and they could go after Tom’s wages because he’s married to me. :((((

Later…

After a few hours off I had another bout of the runs. I can’t believe this bitch is controlling my mind and body all over again! I’m so scared!!! God, please don’t let her seize control of my entire life once again! Please, please don’t let her control my freedom and bank account too, please! Please, please, protect me this time!

The phone just did that quick ding, ding, ding again which I thought meant someone left a message. But when I got up to check it said there were no messages. The phone is fully charged, so could it be a text message? Hmm… I still smell bacon, I’m afraid. But phone calls are nothing compared to lawsuits and that’s my biggest fear. They won’t care that I don’t work if they win any kind of a lawsuit for something I may’ve said; they’ll just sue Tom. Either that or they’ll demand I either go to work for this bitch or pay in the form of jail time.

I can’t believe that year after year people can email dozens of scams to people claiming they won the lottery and all that and need to pay a fee to receive their winnings, or asking them to cash bad checks, while the pigs investigate me simply for something I might’ve said that someone didn’t like. So much for my disclaimer doing me any good!

I haven’t had any nightmares, but chances are if they’re going to arrest me or file suit I won’t have any till the night before. The bad dreams are the ones that usually play out right away. It’s the good dreams that can take months or even years to come to pass.

Could the Florida dreams be a sign of where we’ll be running soon enough? But it can’t be. No need to run that far if we have to run to avoid an arrest and we don’t even have the money to get to Florida. If we had to run it would have to be to another country where they couldn’t garnish his wages, not that we’d be able to afford to do that either.

I’m breathing a little easier now that it’s the afternoon since pigs A, seem to like to serve most of their warrants in the morning, and B, like to wake me up while they’re at it.

It is sad, but definitely scary how much this sick bitch obviously hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still the same vengeful hater she always was. I am wishing like never before that I too was black!

Tom thought the message may be a scam at first. The only thing I thought was a bit strange was the fact that it was sent after 8pm. And who knows how long after the fact? If the pigs really investigated me it could’ve been days before the message was sent.

Maybe we should’ve killed ourselves after all. :( I know I would before I’d lose another dime or moment of freedom to this sicko.

I keep telling myself God won’t give me more than I can handle. He hasn’t yet even though it sure felt like He has at times. But no one lives forever. Sooner or later we’re all dealt something that we can’t handle and that kills us. Will this bitch be the death of me/us??? I mean, my logical side knows it’s a scam meant to scare me and well, it’s worked.

Later…

Feeling a lot better since Tom got home. The ding ding ding was just a stupid text message alert trying to sell us more minutes. :) I didn’t want to tell him this at first, but I finally told him that I had her on auto-send, and even though I was never trying to sell anything, didn’t hit her with over 1000 or even 100 entries, could the vindictive bitch be trying to get me for spam?

At first he was worried since that’s considered a federal offense, but according to his research, I should be ok. It’s commercial spammers they’re going after these days that send bulk volumes to tons of people.

At first we were hesitant to shut down my blog because we didn’t want it to look like I was trying to hide anything since I most certainly am not. But then we decided that maybe – just maybe – if the pigs see the blog doesn’t exist anymore and that I’m in another state, maybe they’ll focus on more important things like REAL criminals. I don’t know, though. I still think they may try to pull something. Again, Arizona doesn’t let go that easily. It’s a very relentless and unforgiving state. Besides, nothing I did for that damn state a decade ago was good enough. I sought out a therapist on my own, I did this, I did that, but nothing I did was good enough. The state and the people involved just had to lie, stab me in the back, and seek legal vengeance upon me anyway for something I didn’t even do.

As for slander; that’s something we definitely shouldn’t have to worry about. I not only don’t use full names but slander and libel are more aimed at those who are trying to profit and whose words have negatively affected one’s life in a significant way. Blogs aren’t usually targeted like newspapers because far fewer people read blogs than newspapers. That’s how certain trolls can get away with trashing full names like they do. A qualified person who should know better which Aly consulted with told her that while she may be annoying as hell, she’s still within the limits of the law. I think, though, that if the troll had any real intelligence, then she’d be more likely to go crossing lines.

Still, I don’t get how I can get dozens of phishing and fraud scams a day emailed to me along with millions of other people in this world, and this can go on year after year without anyone doing a damn thing about it. Tom says they’re throwing them in jail by the thousands, but then why are these scams still so commonplace? Why in the world would the pigs want to check my Google info (and we don’t know that Google actually complied and gave them that info, though I would guess they did), when you’ve got these serious and potentially dangerous scammers out there??? Where is the proper sense of priorities in this world?!

Tom is confident they can’t bust in here and arrest me and haul my ass down to Arizona and I hope he’s right. I was worried about a lawsuit at first, but the police don’t get involved with those, so if anyone’s about to spite me through the law it’s in a criminal way and not a civil way I would think.

We deactivated my blog on Blogger and may even shut down my Google account altogether. We’re not sure yet. I only opened the Gmail account for the sweeping and I haven’t been doing that lately, so there’s no real need to keep it open anyway.

I’m much too tired to decide on anything now and I need to wait and see what, if anything, the shitsters down south may try to pull on me. Meanwhile, she’s the one that’s still obsessed and that still can’t let go. She’s the one who wants to get mad, even, and spiteful. Me, I’m going to do what she wouldn’t allow me to do for nearly 7 years and ignore her completely for as long as I live. :)))

I’ve got more to write about but am exhausted. Hopefully, I’ll sleep a solid 10-12 hours after stupidly letting this bitch interfere with my sleep and nerves all these years later. She’s just playing with me and I’m letting my legal PTSD make me paranoid. That’s all.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2011 So sick of waking up with these lower backaches! Can’t wait for my new mattress, though it may be a few months.

Really worried that cock’s given up on disability and gone back to work even if it’s just under-the-table odd jobs. This is the second morning in a row he hasn’t been around. I yell at the fucking dogs, they shut up, but then 10 minutes later they’re at it again. In the past, they were always at their worst from November 1st to mid-April where they barked steadily from 5am - 9am, then on and off for the rest of the day, and Nov. is right around the corner. :( Well, I don’t see how anyone can consider that “not that bad” no matter where/how they grew up. That is just way too much to even attempt to get used to. Yesterday was one thing. After an early morning fit, all was quiet for 5-6 hours, then there was another shorter fit. That’s tolerable and livable, but consistency is not and I would think most people would agree and that the responsibility shouldn’t have to fall on me to keep someone else’s dogs in line. Where I’m from people kept their dogs/music to themselves.

I do whatever homework I can whenever I can, even though the choice may never be ours. Everything I’ve read so far supports what my dad said about adult communities; you can’t leave a dog in your yard 24/7 unattended to bark all it wants. Some places put a 15-20 pound limit on the dogs which must be household pets and not backyard buddies.

Tom mentioned people mowing and trimming trees – first of all, mowing doesn’t bother me unless it was for hours every day and most people don’t do that. Secondly, if the lots were about the size of Phoenix, how many trees could they possibly have to trim? So unless Tom’s against it for some reason I still think it may be better than rural, cuz he said it himself – who’s gonna have a decent rental all by itself in the middle of 10 acres or anything else big enough to keep the nearest dog at a far enough distance so it’s not as loud as these two? And the further off the grid we go, the more we gotta worry about sonic booms and hunters. I think the only problem that could arise in an adult community would be car stereos, car door slamming and me having to be careful not to blast my own music, though we wouldn’t get a place where their driveway ran alongside our place, I could use headphones and car stereos make no sense. If they don’t allow kids or incessant barking, why loud car stereos? As he also said, each community may be different. But I still think the basic rules are the same everywhere. Either way, $1400 a month for just a 2-bedroom PLUS utilities doesn’t sit well with me and I would guess that’s about what it would cost. Especially in this state.

I just know that my parents would never find barking even for just an hour a day “ok” or “acceptable” or “reasonable” in any way, nor would they ever live in a place where that was an issue. I know that’s just one retirement community, but again, can they really vary that drastically? Not from what I’ve read, they don’t.

As for losing weight at this age – it seems hopeless whether you starve or diet because all you can do is delay the inevitable and not stop it altogether. Sure you’ll lose weight if you starve, but unless you’re prepared to starve forever, something no human being can do, post-menopausal weight gain is NOTHING compared to the struggles we go through once we’re pushing 40. So there’s nothing I can really do about it other than just keep fit till I get slammed with a ton more weight and can’t get around as easily. I just dread having to have Tom trim my toenails. :( It’s not as easy for someone this short to carry a lot of extra weight as it is for someone his height. And think of the money it’d cost to keep upgrading to bigger clothes sizes. But like it or not, it’s going to happen someday. I’m really going to be 200 or more pounds. I can only choose to let it happen sooner than later, but it’s menopause that’s gonna get the final say. Young people, on the other hand, have a choice. They’re young enough for their metabolisms to work hard and fast enough to burn more than they take in even if that amount is “reasonable.” Whereas at this age all I have to do is eat “normally” and I’ll gain about 20 pounds a year for life. That puts me going belly-up at about 800 if I lived another 40 years. I think I’d gain closer to 40-50 pounds a year, though, for that “normal” eating.

Humans just weren’t meant to live past 30, and we gotta pay for what we were smart enough to beat.

Becky sent me this recent pic of the evil witch A. She’s sitting with a collie and 9 other people, 4 being older, 5 being women in their 20s or so. I’m guessing the young ladies are nieces since she’s gay. When I saw the dog it reminded me of the one she had nearly 30 years ago. She took me to her house one time with a few other girls. It was a tiny old dark dumpy cottage in the woods and she had a collie then, too. All I really remember about it was all the books. Just hundreds and hundreds of them on wall shelves.

She managed to find Linda, another one who attended VH, and I found Michelle for her. We sent her friend invites but haven’t heard from her yet. Linda’s friends with Maryellen who I’ve been told is the youngest A sister but I don’t remember her at all. All I remember is Margaret and I couldn’t stand her much more than I could stand Donna and Barb. Speaking of Barb, I sent another message saying: What, no apology yet? Go on and give it a try, you just might find I’m a rather forgiving person. :)

But the fact that I haven’t heard anything from her makes me think she’s either ignoring me or hasn’t checked her messages. Usually, if you’ve got the wrong person they tell you so. I just asked a Denise M with no identifiable profile pic if she attended VH and she replied back saying she hadn’t.

We’re going to upgrade me from my 9-year-old Windows XP operating system which is becoming obsolete and switch me to Windows 7 at some point. I just hope it helps solve all my incompatibility issues! I’m so sick of having to pick and choose what’s most important to me and having to do without some things. Why can’t all browsers and programs just get along?! But the day there’s such a thing as “computer peace” will be the day there’s world peace. In other words, it ain’t gonna happen. :(

Yesterday I unblocked the troll just to see if she was still as persistent as she usually is. There was nothing all day, but then shortly after 4pm, in it came from Formspring. I caught her at 12 seconds and blocked her by 33 seconds. It wasn’t fast enough to stop her from accessing my post titled Trolls & BFF, though. Gee, I wonder why she’d go for that one first? said with sarcasm So now she’ll be sent to the funny farm until I decide to send her to an adult toy store or something like that. :)

I dreamt Tom and I were flying somewhere and our round-trip tickets cost $1500. LOL, isn’t that a bit much? Only we were going to meet Nane where she worked which had to do with the airline and not a bank like in real life.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2011 Got to wake up to barking this morning. Fun, huh? But they surprised me by shutting up just a few minutes later.

It’s warm and sunny today and other than that early barking fit, it’s been pretty quiet.

I heard from Irene, but still nothing from Nane. I’m about ready to give up on her. What’s the point in sticking around for someone who’s never around herself?

I also heard from Christine and my sister. Although Tammy hates rats she fell in love with a couple of pictures of them hugging miniature teddy bears.

I figured out what’s causing FF to crash. It’s not FF itself, but Facebook instead.

Wish I had more to say but I just don’t. Andy’s back from Phoenix, I cleaned the kitchen and worked out, and now I’m going to work on one of my stories.

Took the troll’s block off for the day just to see how consistently she may be checking for access. Nothing so far today, but I’ll reblock her before bed.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2011 Got a busy day today. Gonna scale back to the last Firefox version and install a compatible form filler since it’s nice to have whether I’m sweeping or not.

Tom’s got to get the tape off the vents even though we’re going to wait another week or two to call Jesse down to fix the heater since we’ve been having warm weather.

We’re taking a break from eBay this weekend.

Wasn’t sure whether or not to call earlier and risk getting just my mom even though I’d prefer to talk to just Dad, or to call them in the evening when I knew I’d get both. I finally decided on calling earlier and got just Mom. She sounded chipper enough and was happy things are better for us. Dad was at the store but she said she’d pass the word on to him.

I let Nane know how I feel. I figured it would just keep eating at me if I didn’t. So I let her know I was hurt and confused by her removing the pictures I put on her wall, and by the part-time friendship we seem to have. I hope something will happen soon to convince me to either hang on or let her go and move on. She’s been on Facebook all weekend. I’m wondering if she broke up with her BF or they had a fight and that’s why she’s been there but not in the mood to talk. I’ll give it till around the 1st. If there’s nothing from her by then, then yeah, it’s time to just drop her and get on with my life. I don’t want friends that only want to be my friends just some of the time.

Starting to also wonder if something’s up with Maliheh. A week or two between messages from her is one thing, but 3 weeks? I hope she didn’t lose her place! Unless she planned to slowly drift away all along, and I realize that this is possible. People sometimes change with age, but I’ve got to remember that the Maliheh of 1991 who seemed friendly at first turned out to be a very cold-hearted person. Maybe she’s still that cold and despite what she’s told me maybe she planned to dump me all over again but just in a different way.

After giving myself a few days off from working out so that some of my extra leg muscles could break down, tomorrow it’s back to half-hour workouts. And house cleaning. :(

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2011 It’s been a fun and productive day so far, but first I will cover what’s got me both hurt and annoyed. Nane. Nane had the time to add friends and to remove the photos I placed on her wall but not to say hello. Just a quick, simple little goddamn hello. It didn’t have to be much if she was busy, but she could have at least said hello or poked me or done something.

So I guess that once again I got the wrong idea and had her figured all wrong. At first I thought she didn’t care, but then I found that she did. Or at least seemed to anyway. Yet just when I thought she may truly care after all, I now find that she doesn’t. I simply can’t believe she’s just too busy to keep in touch and that she’s not ignoring me for some reason. It’s sad too, and makes no sense. I survived something I didn’t think I would survive. I thought she’d be all happy and excited for me and our newfound good fortune regardless of how short-lived it may end up being, and that she’d want to fill me in on her trip, but apparently not. I just don’t get it, though. She said she hoped I’d be around when she got back. Well here I am and she’s been back for weeks now. I made it through, I’m here, I’m alive, but where the hell is she?

I’m closer than ever to dumping her. Not hearing regularly from someone you don’t have a thing for and that you’re not close to in any kind of a special way is one thing, but this is different. I always considered our friendship different than my friendship with most others like Kim and Alison. They’re strictly friends. Nane and I weren’t despite the fact that we’ve never met, never will meet, and are both with someone.

I left her one last message asking what was up. I never expected her to write as much as I do. I know most people don’t like to write. But a month or two in between messages is stretching it a bit. Not writing regularly is fine, making me feel ignored is not. That’s not just it, though; it’s the deleting of the photos and not taking the time to at least say she’s alive and well and is glad things are better for us that’s got me upset. Maybe she really is superficial just like someone suggested she is. Oberflächlich.

Onto better things. We went to Mel’s Diner and I got the same grilled pork chops I got the last time only they weren’t as good. Too tough and too salty. The meat around the bones was ok and less dry so I ate mostly that. The scrambled eggs and fried potatoes with green onions were great, though.

We also picked up the mail and did some grocery shopping.

That person finally paid for the dolls they won. Just in time too, or else they’d have gotten in trouble with eBay.

The propane guy didn’t get here till 6pm yesterday because he likes his tank to be close to empty because of the steep hills around here. It’s nice to be able to take another step out of poverty like that by being able to have it filled!

No sawing yesterday and not much Jesse either. I heard him 5 times, but not for long periods. He came and went in the truck, then on the motorcycle, and then I heard the ATV for a few seconds.

Later…

What a day it’s turned out to be with this damn computer! Ah, the incompatibility nightmares I go through!

First of all, I inserted pictures between paragraphs in my last entry and asked some people if they thought it was overkill and if I should go back to just 1 or 2 pics per post or what. Well, Alison said she thought it was a bit much and that it took away from the post. I went back and looked at my previous post after a while and I agree with her. It’s all photos and hardly any text. So back to 1-2 pics it is. I’ll still leave the previous entry intact and still welcome people’s opinions in the meantime.

After dealing with a different kind of backache than what I woke up with which quickly went away and that came on out of the blue for no apparent reason, the computer headaches began. It started when I got sick of Firefox crashing and decided to give Chrome a try. But Chrome doesn’t support the Yahoo! toolbar. So I then went to upgrade to the latest version of Firefox since I’m not a fan of IE. Next, I discovered that not only did the toolbar not work correctly for some reason there, but my old, free version of Robo’s form filler isn’t supported there either. So I rolled back to my old FF version and now everything’s a mess. I didn’t have everything I had on my toolbar bookmarked, so I tried to remember most of the important sites and made a doc file of all my sites and the usernames, emails, and passwords associated with them. I hadn’t told FF to remember them all, so now I’ve got a list and I don’t have to go and reset PWs and shit like that.

Then I find my recorder isn’t working and we realized this was because we reactivated my MagicJack phone a few hours earlier. The stupid computer recognizes both as sound devices and gets confused, so we had to tweak some settings there.

Tomorrow I’m going to look for another form filler as Robo’s not as important as it used to be since I’m not sweeping anymore, then I’ll jump back up to the latest FF version to be safer from hackers.

I was glad to be able to get the same number I had before as it’s easy to remember. This thing may have a lag, but I like that it’s a real phone and that Tom and I can both talk to my folks if we want. I don’t have to worry about minutes, long-distance fees, or having to go outside for better reception either. If you’re a friend of mine and you’d like the number and don’t already have it, just ask.

Believe it or not, I got absolutely no sweet treats at the grocery store this morning. I usually get them once or twice a week, but I simply don’t crave them on this high-protein diet. It’s a pity, though, to have cut out sweets, switched to a 0-calorie coffee creamer and worked out regularly just to still be fat. :(

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2011 I’m getting sicker by the minute of these part-time friendships I’ve got going with some people that I’m supposedly “close” to or at least somewhat close to. I don’t want to dump them, of course, because no one’s obligated to be my buddy full-time and because I’m sure they must have their reasons for staying away, but it gets old. It just gets so old.

I hardly hear from Maliheh anymore, and it’s been nearly a month with Nane. After a week of not being around on Facebook, her picture is back to appearing there which tells me she’s checking in today. But the fact that she can’t even drop me a quick hello a little more often than she does really annoys me. It’s time to give these people a taste of their own medicine for once and that means that when I do finally hear from them, they won’t hear from me for a month or so, so they can see what it’s like. Sadly, though, they probably won’t even notice much or care. But still, just like Molly’s degrading herself in a sense by seeking those out who don’t want to know her, I’m not going to belittle myself by jumping to reply to “friends” the instant I hear from them while they make me wait forever for their replies.

I posted a note to my wall about being sick of part-time friends and wishing they’d at least drop me a quick hello a little more often and customize it so only Nane sees it.

Decided to stop the hourly workouts. All it’s doing is building more muscle, not burning fat. My legs need a break anyway as they feel like these dead weights I’m lugging around. I’ve built up so much muscle in my legs that I’m losing flexibility. Since I can’t build my entire body up in the way that I could if I had weights, and since I can’t lose weight unless I starve, I may as well do just a half-hour every other day since all I can do is maintain my current weight. That’s all I should need to maintain my weight and keep my joints healthier so long as I don’t go eating like a pig.

My waist is fairly small now and I have a tiny tight ass, but my legs and hips still seem huge. I can’t even get my stomach as flat as I used to be able to get it, though it’s close.

I still wonder if something’s going on with me. I’m thirsty all the time, peeing all the time and nothing I do seems to jump-start my metabolism. I’m sick of the backaches too, but we’re pretty sure it’s my sagging mattress. When we’re younger we can get away with the lack of support, but we need more support the older (and fatter) we get. I kind of miss coil spring mattresses. Waterbeds are the most comfortable but they’re a pain. Foam breaks down and causes sagging and air mattresses can leak.

Got a little nervous yesterday when I saw there was a message from a local area code. Not sure how to retrieve messages from that phone, all I could do was hope it wasn’t the temp company calling to say his job had ended, even though he was currently at work.

But all was fine when he got in. In fact, he said that they’ve been training him to do work done by regular employees and not by temps. So I’m trying to stay positive but don’t want to get my hopes up knowing how many times in the past we’ve had the carpet yanked from under us.

I also don’t want to spend money on things unless we really need them. An occasional treat like going out to eat and getting some incense made up that I’m still addicted to every now and then is ok, though. Since it’s been so damn long we’re going to go out to a diner this weekend we really liked that we first went to right before he got laid off last March.

Anyway, the call turned out to be another job offer, LOL, and he called to let them know he was unavailable. They said to let them know if he ever needed a job.

Two grand in savings would bring comfort because then if one of the computers went out in a way that wasn’t worth fixing, we could get a new one. Same with the car. We could get some old used junker if we had to with 2-3 grand. Tom usually fixes whatever goes wrong with the car which has been good to us so far since we got it a few years ago, but if God forbid there was ever an all-out engine failure, we’d be screwed.

Ten grand would be the ultimate comfort in security because that’s a year’s rent. I just can’t see even two grand happening right now, though, even though they’re talking at work about overtime that has the potential to bring in 45K a year.

I’d love to snap my fingers and be in a REAL house in a Florida retirement community where it’s always summer, but it may have to wait and it may be worth waiting for depending on what happens with the job. Yes, I hate the cold, but we don’t have real winters here and we don’t want to throw away opportunities that may never again come knocking.

For now, it’s nice to know our worst problems are a new family of mice to have to deal with (yeah, we still gotta deal with trailer life and the bum living that goes with it), and whatever racket I gotta hear from Jesse today. He wasn’t too bad yesterday, but I still heard things besides whatever landscaping, renovating or building is going on in back – ATVs, motorcycles, barking, etc. Of all the lazy cocks in the world we just have to live with one that can’t sit still for long. The daily saw ritual is about to start any minute, too.

Later…

Jesse left in the truck as soon as I posted my last entry and he just came back. Let me guess… now it’s time for engine gunning, bulldozing and maybe a little running around on the ATV or the dirt bike, right? At least there’s been no sawing yet.

You know you’ve had it rough when you’re excited about getting your main propane tank filled! Yes, they’ll be here to fill it anytime now. :) And from the sound of it Jesse’s chosen the ATV. :((( Just what the fuck is this guy doing so damn much of the time??? I hope it rains like crazy this winter but that’ll just cause more bulldozing and more of his little truck dance. He sometimes runs the damn thing over his driveway to smooth out ruts and his going back and forth in it can get just as annoying as all his other vehicles I have to hear.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2011 How did I go from winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff each month to winning absolutely nothing at all??? My only guess is that damn show that featured professional sweepers and upped my competition even more. Been giving sweeping a break since it isn’t getting me anywhere lately.

Had weird dreams last night. We were looking at other rentals, talking to someone about moving to Florida, and then Tom came home from work with a bloody face saying work was “fine” and that I “shouldn’t have let him put his bed by that wall.” Only the place we were living in during this dream looked nothing like this place. It was a two-story place that sort of resembled the house I grew up in.

I don’t know what these dreams could mean. Probably nothing. But sadly, Alison’s another dream premonitioner just like me and has been having dreams about needing to restart radiation therapy. I’m hoping right along with her that her dreams will be wrong!

Kim and I were laughing about the different ideas for sites we were having the troll redirected to. She came up with Ray Charles’ Hit the Road Jack, LOL. So she’s got that, Aly’s got Bye Bye Bye, and I’ll be sending her to a YouTube video of the Funny Farm song, hahaha! Yeah, I change it every week or two knowing she’s making multiple checks a day to see if there’s any loophole she can slip through. That loophole will come when her IP# changes, so that’s why I’m checking stats regularly. If she’s still jobless, living with mommy and with nothing but too much time on her hands in her late 20s, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Now I can go back to using photos from my Photobucket albums which is most convenient for the animated ones since the troll is not around to suck up my bandwidth by opening every single fucking entry 50 times a day. I still have to wonder, though; what makes people so obsessed like that? It’s strange too, because usually, those who are obsessed with us have a sexual interest in us. I guess there could be a million reasons for one to behave as she does. If she was rejected really badly at age 3 or something, that right there could be enough to mess up her wiring for life, but who knows what kind of life she’s led and what’s happened to her. It’s just sad that one could lack so much self-respect that they felt the constant need to try to make those like them that don’t want anything to do with them. I guess they get some sort of a sick turn-on from it as do women who are attracted to abusers.

Yesterday I had a whopping 2000 calories and totally made a pig of myself. I said to myself, “Great. Now I really won’t know if the double workouts are helping.” But even though I fully expected to be up a pound or two, I was the same.

Tom contacted eBay about the lady who still hasn’t paid for the two dolls she won; presumably, because she couldn’t get the combined shipping she wanted. For some reason, she also wanted to do business outside of eBay. eBay should reimburse us the fees if they haven’t paid by the weekend, and then we’ll leave them negative feedback.

That’s some friend Eileen is to just drop her life and leave her hubby to accompany a friend to Russia so she can adopt a baby sooner. It takes years to adopt an American baby and I guess not all good things are worth waiting for after all in some cases. It’s sad that no one wants older kids. If I were looking to adopt I’d want older kids. IMO, infants are the worst. You can’t tell a newborn to shut the fuck up and let you sleep, but an 8-year-old would get it. Older kids can also feed themselves and they don’t need to shit in diapers. They don’t usually scream for 5 hours a day either and they have sense enough not to drink your Draino or squeeze your rat to death, LOL.

Later…

Life is still running smoothly but my God I am so sick of the saws buzzing every single fucking day that it isn’t raining or blazing hot! Saws, hammers, other power tools - it just gets old.

Then Jesse came down after an hour of someone in back sawing away at God knows what on his ATV with the dogs chasing him. He came down the front and went up the path in back. What was that all about? Just to see the place up close since it’s been a while? To annoy me by reminding me of his existence and that Tom and I living ALONE on a piece of property is just a dream?

But like it or not we’re going to be hearing more of Jesse now that we’re getting further into the fall. Well, I am anyway, since I’m the one who’s usually home.

So much for being able to trust my blog’s auto-publisher. I had an entry queued up that ended up being tossed in my draft folder instead of published and so I had to publish it manually.

I’m going to go watch a movie even though I should be working on my book and Jesse will probably do something to distract and annoy me.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2011 Went down a pound, but it’s too soon to say it’s because of the double workouts. Oh, to be able to find a way to have 1500 calories a day and still lose weight! But until and if I ever find that way, I have to cut down to 1000 or less and that’s way too hard on me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2011 Not much to update on other than that we’re having a mix of sun and rain. Right now it’s raining, but later the sun will be out and it will be in the 70s. Then the next few days it will be in the 80s.

That’s it, for now, other than that I started working out twice a day. I’m doing two half-hour workouts on the treadmill, and then I work my arms and abs. I’m just curious to see if it will boost my metabolism and cause my weight to go down, but I doubt it will. I think I could work out 8 hours a day and still not lose weight unless I starve. But I still prefer the negatives of being fat as opposed to the constant hunger and fatigue that would come with starving.

Later…

They’re coming! The propane people are coming! Yes, this Friday we will no longer have to switch back and forth between little 5-gallon tanks every other week. It cost us $250 for 100 gallons but it should last for months (it better). So no more little tanks until the next time he gets laid off which hopefully won’t be before April, and if it is, hopefully we’ll have enough money saved by then to hold us over till he’s once again eligible for Unemployment. I know it may fall along the lines of negative thinking but after 4 years of struggling and 3 layoffs, how can I believe this is it and that we’re finally on our way up to stay? Or at least to stay for longer than a few months?

Gave the rat a bath with the baby shampoo recommended online. Instead of holding him under a small stream of water trickling in the tub, I filled the sink with warm water. He struggled a bit, but not too much. He liked it best when I was lathering him up.

Still having trouble focusing on my writing. I’ve got the ideas in my head; it’s just focusing long enough to get myself to put much of them into print that I’ve been having trouble with lately.

Love how I can schedule my blog entries for later publication. I think I’ll publish this part tomorrow morning even though it’s late morning on Tuesday right now. That way the entries will be more evenly spaced out.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2011 Our journals, diaries - or whatever we want to call them - really are our BFF:) No matter what we tell them, they never judge us. They never tell us we’re wrong about our feelings or that we should do things a certain way. These days they’re even better when we can block trolls from being able to view what we otherwise don’t mind sharing with most others.

After a short quiet spell, the troll started harassing poor Kim and Aly again, leaving harmless but stupid comments. That’s not the point, though. It’s not what she says; it’s the fact that she’s leaving comments after being told not to contact them. Being followed and contacted at every single site you join, harmless or not, really has a way of putting the creep in creepy. Yet as dumb as the troll is, she’s obviously aware of her actions and that they’re wrong as you can see for yourself on her own blog.

I told them about that site that lets you block IP numbers at sites that allow for the insertion of coding and so now she’s blocked from their favorite blogs. I didn’t realize at first that you could choose where to have trolls redirected. I thought that was part of the upgrade, but it turns out that only having a customized “fuck off” page is part of the upgrade. Therefore I decided to send her to a place more meaningful other than their own default redirect page which leads to a site that sells clocks. I sent her to her own damn blog, LOL. That oughta confuse the fucktard to end up there every time she clicks on my blog! I’ll probably change it just for fun every week or so as we know damn good and well she’ll check regularly, like multiple times a day to see if she can get into one of our sites. Love how Aly sent her to NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye video. :)))

As for eBay, the Barbie lot has been put on hold cuz some fucker failed to pay us for the two dolls they won. The reason they’re on hold is that we want to make sure eBay pays us the $10 in fees we lost on account of the person first. I don’t think there’ll be a problem but we certainly wouldn’t want to sell through them ever again if there is.

I’m getting sick of this part-time friendship with Nane, but I also understand that she has to live her own life and do her own thing. I never expected to hear from her or anyone else every day and wouldn’t want to; I just wish they wouldn’t let several weeks go by so often in between messages. Oh well. They’ll get to me when they feel like getting to me and when time permits, although it’s hard to believe anyone could be that busy. I have other friends who work full-time and have very active lives when they’re not at work yet they still find time to drop me a quick hello 2-3 times a week.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2011 It’s been a fun, relaxing and productive weekend, though my schedule sucks. We’re having another warm spell and unfortunately, I’m on nights, awake when it’s chilly and sleeping when it’s warmer and less comfy for sleeping.

I’m also pissed that my $160 Bose headphones are falling apart.

Becky and I had so much fun laughing over the 34 pictures she posted that she took in Valleyhead in 1983. It really helped make up for the horrible memories that go with the place and some of the people in it. Like that evil Donna A. There she was, clearly recognizable after all these years and as I stared into that scary, mean-looking face, I still couldn’t believe it was the face of a then 28-year-old. Not just because of her looks but because she was into classical music as well. Who the hell listens to classical at 28? Anyway, she’s sort of looking off to the side with an almost disgusted look on her face.

I got a kick out of how Becky said she looked like an undertaker in a bad horror movie and that she wonders if she’s still a boozer.

I recognized most of the others but we were unable to ID some of them. Unfortunately, she didn’t have any pictures of Mary C, Michelle S or Lori M. She did have one of Denise M, but it wasn’t a good shot.

Dyed my hair earlier and would want to kick my own ass if this place were ours. I can’t see them without glasses, but with glasses, I can see the little sprinkle of dye I left on the toilet seat and some on the sink. I thought this foam stuff wasn’t supposed to do that. At least it’s so much easier to use and rinse.

Deciding I’m already sick of my short hair and not liking how it looks, I did some research to see what else may help speed up growth besides the things I already know about like daily scalp massages and things like that. Well, flaxseed was recommended so I got that yesterday, sprinkled some on my oatmeal, and I swear my hair is already longer in just a day!

To cut calories I’ve been getting kids’ yogurt. Well, the brand I’ve been getting comes with a refrigerator magnet and each one contains a letter and a career that starts with that letter. Wonder if I’ll have enough to leave a “fuck you” on the refrigerator for Jesse if we ever make it out of here someday.

The rat has gotten extremely fat and lazy lately. He used to love to come out and run around, but now all he wants to do is come out long enough to get a treat, then go home and eat some more. He’s also filthy so much of the time. Rats have oily skin but even those that don’t have roommates to help clean them keep their own selves clean. Maybe it’s because his weight makes it hard for him or maybe he’s just lazy, but he doesn’t do a very good job giving himself spit baths. Yet he fights me every time I give him a bath. So Tom got the bright idea of doing his own research and found baby shampoo was recommended and he thinks he can “make a game of it” for him and loads of “fun.” LOL, if he believes this then he might as well believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy as well. Although rats are good swimmers, getting wet is not a rat’s idea of a good time no matter how you present the idea to them!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2011 I had inserted pictures between paragraphs on the last couple of posts, but people told me it made it hard to read. I guess that depending on one’s screen size and resolution, it might look good to some but not to everyone. Therefore, I’ll just insert pics at the beginning and end of these entries.

Andy left for a week-long vacation in Phoenix yesterday. Hope he has fun! He won’t have online access so I promised to stock him up on Formspring questions over the week so he can “finish the sentences” when he gets back. Yeah, we got this game going where I grab a paragraph of my journal or something like that, knowing the character limit will cut off the last sentence, and he fills it in with something goofy. :)

I miss Nane, as usual. She said she’d be back on the 3rd, and I know her busiest times at work are toward the beginning of the month, but I’m a little surprised she didn’t at least send a quick hello. Is she really that busy that she couldn’t do that much? I hope nothing’s wrong, but I don’t think so. She appears to have been on Facebook on and off so unless I’m misunderstanding how things work there or there’s a glitch somewhere, she’s definitely alive and kicking!

Another Friday has passed where we’re relieved to know that Tom will be returning to work on Monday. :)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2011 Alison finished reading A Rainbow in Munich and gave me a very helpful and detailed review of it. Like I told her, if I were looking to hire an editor, she’d be one of the first ones I’d go to. She’s like me in that she notices little things like wrong words, misspellings and misplaced quotes, so she was kind enough to point these errors out to me. There weren’t many which is good, but it still sucks to know I missed them after 3 rounds of editing.

I might take a break from writing for a while to do other things. I still have a ways to go with the German, as ugly as it may be, and just because I know enough to get by in Spanish and Italian doesn’t mean those languages are perfect. They could still use some improvement.

Went down to 62 kilos, then back up to 63. I have a feeling that this new experiment isn’t going to affect my weight at all any more than most things I’ve done over the last several years affect it. Oh well. At least I can maintain my weight even if it’s too much as long as I work out. I guess sometimes we just gotta be glad for what we can do and not upset over what we can’t do. Hey, some people just can’t lose weight no matter how much they may cut back.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2011 Unless Nane wished Irene a happy birthday in private, and she doesn’t seem to be in the habit of wishing people a happy birthday that way, she blew off her birthday altogether despite “appearing” to have been online. If she’s blown off someone she’s supposedly been friends with since her early 20s I suppose there’s no chance of her caring to remember mine, but we’ll see.

I sent Maliheh another message, but I’m tired of her games and yes, they’ve gotten rather obvious. A few problems and a few busy spells I can see, but this has gone on long enough to tell me she either planned to “drift away” from me from the start or she decided to later on down the road for some reason (probably because the lust isn’t mutual). I told her I’m used to those I like not liking me back and that I’m sorry if that bothered her in any way. I also put her back on auto-send and told her to let me know if more than a few days pass without getting entries.

Christine sent an article about how animals really do smile.

They took Tom’s picture today and gave him a badge, so I guess they don’t plan on letting him go anytime too soon. :) They also gave him a desk. It’s not his desk exclusively, but the desk he’ll be using when he’s there.

He said Jesse called while he was at work asking if he called him. Unless Tom dialed wrong he didn’t call him as far as he knows, and if Jesse came down today I slept through it. I turn the sound machine up really loud when sleeping during the daytime. It rained really hard so I expect to hear that loud and annoying bulldozer smoothing out the ruts in the drive once it lets up. It’s cold and wet now but it’s to be dry and warm this weekend.

I set the scale from pounds to kilos which really threw Tom off when he went to weigh himself and he found he suddenly lost an awful lot of weight, LOL! A kilo equals 2.2 pounds, so I thought it would be easier to track this way on a weekly basis since I want to lose about that much each week if this new starving every other day thing works. So that means I hope to go down a kilo each week. Today’s starvation day, or close to it since I’ll be under 1000 calories, so I’m being sure to have tons of water. I’m 63.2 kilos now and want to get to 50 kilos.

In my entry from two days ago, I mentioned the full name of the sick bitch down in Arizona knowing that it would be automatically sent to her that way and also knowing I would delete it from my online version as soon as it was sent. She wouldn’t be re-sent the edited version and I knew that, too. Today I had visitors from Hawaii and Pennsylvania. Well, I don’t know if she’s got any connections in Hawaii, but I know she has in Pennsylvania and that she’s lived there. Also, both came in directly. LOL, so they’ll be looking for her name that doesn’t exist.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2011 Today’s the day I quit smoking 14 years ago! It’s Irene’s birthday too, so I wished her a Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, and sent Nane a message. She’s probably busy catching up at work.

I was talking about freedom of speech laws and blogger’s rights with someone earlier. I don’t know about most other countries. I only know I already feel bad for the next person who tries to trample on my rights in my country, and while I hope there isn’t a next time, I suppose there will be simply because that’s just part of being a writer. Just like most celebrities are prone to being stalked, most writers are prone to being complained on (though I don’t let it stop me), especially by those who may have something to hide or who may have a guilty conscience. I doubt, for example, Amanda Knox lied when she said she was hit by the police. There are so many corruptos in every law enforcement agency in every country and half the time they get shot down I really have to wonder if they asked for it and provoked the attack somehow. But what probably happened was that the pigs spited her with slander charges for having the nerve to tell people about how they mistreated her. The justice system may be bad here, but it’s really bad in Italy. Meanwhile, just like with the U.S. the media can go and say whatever the fuck they want to about her. The media is nothing but legal slander/libel while capital punishment is nothing but legal murder. I’m all for capital punishment, though.

No matter what happens, I’m not the naïve person I was when law enforcement decided to take advantage of that 12 years ago in the name of hate, control and profit since the city makes more money the more people they keep in jail and especially on probation.

I was asked yesterday (and I said I’d reply in my next post) if I believe OJ was guilty of murder. I know he was. Where I’m mostly suspicious of Casey Anthony’s post-murder behavior and think she probably killed her kid, I’m totally suspicious of OJ’s and I don’t doubt for a minute that he killed Nicole and her friend. He may as well have come out and said he did it because his actions sure said he did. Just the running in the Bronco was enough to admit his guilt for me. Who the hell runs that isn’t guilty??? You run if you’re scared for your life or your safety like a part of me still is because of the obsessive, persistent and hateful actions of my ex-perps. You don’t run if you’re innocent and aren’t afraid of anyone.

But unfortunately, despite the overwhelming amount of behavioral and physical evidence, he was destined for acquittal for fear of another Rodney King-like riot. Same goes for Michael Jackson. I’m not as sure that he was a pervert as I am sure that OJ’s a murderer, but I’d say it’s likely that he probably was. Hopefully, when the next famous black person is taken to court who truly is guilty of whatever they’re accused of, justice will be done and the courts will overlook the fact that there are some sore losers in this world who have to take a shit fit on innocent people who have nothing to do with what pissed them off in the first place when they don’t get their way and who see racism in everything and anything. For whatever it’s worth, though, I saw the King video. If that wasn’t police brutality then I don’t know what is.

Andy cracks me up with some of the answers he comes up with on Formspring. Even when they’re kind of predictable they’re still funny. :)

I went down almost 5 pounds after having just 700 calories yesterday. I’m eating around 1200 today, though, because I can’t do the super low-cal thing day after day. The intense hunger and fatigue get to be too much at times and so I’m doing it every other day instead.

We got our first rain since May and the temps have dropped enough to turn that Florida dream up a notch or two. I can’t wait to move to a warmer state! I just hope we get the chance to someday.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2011 So Amanda Knox was acquitted today and I’m happy for her, especially if I’m right in suspecting she’s probably innocent. The evidence always did point to that black guy, Rudy, from the Ivory Coast and not Amanda and her boyfriend. The guy had a record, too. Some of her post-murder behavior was a little iffy, but not like Casey Anthony’s was. That one is probably guilty of murder and if not, she knows who did it. If it was a case of neglect where the kid drowned by accident and she panicked, she should’ve at least been convicted of that much. But I’m living proof that the innocent often pays for deeds they didn’t commit while the guilty go free. That’s why I sat in a jail cell myself for half a year while Joely N got away with perjury, slander, libel, vandalism, disturbing the peace, prank phone calls, and tossing sexually explicit notes in our mail slot which alone is a federal offense. Am I forgetting anything? Well, on top of abusing the welfare system, I’m sure I am.

Anyway, yay for Amanda. Italy may have a lot of hot-looking chicks and speak a beautiful language, but most of the country is pretty fucked up IMO. Fucked up legal system, fucked up attitudes, fucked up bigots, and I make no excuses or apologies for my opinions either. It won’t hurt my feelings if we don’t get to take the trip I won there, and seeing that there are only two more years left to take it, I doubt we’ll make it there.

I am amazingly not that tired or hungry for someone who’s half-starving herself and has been so busy. You know how it is with me; I either have to cut my calories down to near nothing to lose weight, or I eat what’s enough for me (1500) and stay the same weight as long as I work out. Deciding to try something different other than the one-or-the-other attitude, I’m partially starving every other day. I figured that if I just do this every other day it will not only be easier to stick to but won’t hurt my already barely existent metabolism anymore. I’ll always include tons of protein in my diet no matter how much I’m eating to keep the random cravings away. I love those Pure Protein bars. They’re only about 200 calories and have 18g-20g of protein.

After about a 35-minute workout (I plan to do more tomorrow), I cleaned the kitchen and living room. My doll collection is now down to about 30 dolls, so it was nice not to have to dust as many even if most are in the bedroom right now. I still might not display them all at once. Forgot to work my arms and abs so I’ll do that later.

I hate the cooler weather we’ve been having but it sure is nice for sleeping and working out.

Tom put a new washer in the shower faucet but we both agree that the ancient piece of shit needs to be replaced altogether. I hope we make it out of here before it leaks so bad that we have no choice but to put up with the racket, hassles and inconvenience that will come with that. That’s one of the things I miss about owning is that we got to do things on our own time so long as they weren’t urgent. But it’s even better to know that it won’t cost us a dime. :) Yes, I really could get used to this renting thing. It’s definitely cheaper and less risky. I’d only buy a house if I could pay for it outright. Not something I ever expect to do. I also don’t expect to ever be able to rent a real house that’s bigger and newer than this old trailer, but I at least hope to someday. I really thought that whatever was picking on us with the breakage curse we seemed to be under for so long would stop once we started renting and some things were no longer ours to have to pay for, but I will admit that there haven’t been as many problems as I thought there would be here. The cooler and heater have had problems, but the oven and refrigerator are still holding up. No leaky roof yet either, and that’s another thing I hope to get out of here in time for; before Jesse goes to redo it. That’s not something that would take just a day or two to do despite being flat and not very big, though he did mention something about something that you just roll onto the roof.

I was going through some of my old, private journals from right before we left Arizona and came across a link to a doll store. I was curious to see what they had and if they were still around so I checked it out. They sell dolls in various stages from soft-fired greenware to kits to finished. I saw that the dancing Indian doll I have, Joy, was there, and asked if it would be possible to finally get the dress that was made for her and how much it’d cost since I just bought her finished but undressed back in 2002. It’d be $55 plus shipping, I was told, but I’d get to pick the color and all that, too. It just may be worth it once we get a little more caught up to go ahead and have a hot pink one made up. If I sell her, I need her to be in something other than the joke of an outfit I threw together for her, and if I keep her I’d like to still see her in something nicer.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2011 So far we’ve made $850, over a rent’s worth of sales, on eBay. I don’t know where Emme’s going yet, but Tyler’s going down to SoCal. Together they sold today for almost $74. That’s a little more than half of what Tom makes in a day working his ass off, so although it’s not great, we can’t complain. But we are sick of people asking for combined shipping. We lose money that way since part of our profit comes from shipping. So we decided to give it a rest for a week and then list the Barbie lot next weekend.

I hope my new ATM card works! I accidentally started to sign my name on the magnetic strip, LOL.

I seem to hear less and less from Maliheh, Nane’s heading back to Germany in the morning, and Eileen’s off to Russia with a friend who’s adopting a baby there. I don’t get that last one, though. Why all the way to Russia when there are enough babies in need of adoption right here???

Someone in Freehold, New Jersey, who’s visited my blog before, just visited again. Only this time they looked up the words “gay” and “abortion” in a blog whose search feature has been broken for months. I tried to message Blogger about it, but they make that pretty impossible to do. Besides, if they wanted to fix it they would have by now.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2011 OMG, it’s October, we’re alive and I just don’t believe it that’s how hopeless our situation looked two weeks ago! Last night would have been our last night. The plan was to go right before the rent was due, figuring we were paid up through September anyway.

It got me thinking about this prayer thing. I didn’t know until yesterday that Andy was praying right along with me for Tom to get a job when our lovely government decided we weren’t worth housing and feeding throughout the next 6 months. Well, maybe just like some of us are more prone to dream premonitions than others, maybe some of us are more likely to get our prayers granted than others. I prayed several times over the last several months for him to get a job. Nothing listened to me before and maybe it didn’t the last time either. Maybe it was Andy it listened to. Better one of us than none of us because most of the things I’ve prayed for were not granted despite how fair and reasonable my requests were.

Not much else going on now other than wondering what I’m doing still alive and thinking about the next batch of eBay listings.

Later…

Why is bra plural and panties singular? This is a really good question since we have two boobies and one pussy.

It totally blows my mind to know that if things hadn’t turned around like they did for us and in the nick of time too, my husband and I would be lying side by side right now dead in bed with our beloved pet rat lying between us, waiting for our bodies to be discovered. Instead, I’m sitting here writing this.

Anyway, Facebook finally came out with a really cool app that tells you who writes on your wall most and what their top 3 words are. Nane would rank #1 instead of #12 if we didn’t spend so much time chatting privately. But we do so because much of what we discuss isn’t exactly suitable for public, LOL.

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candeg · 4 years ago

Text

Friendship between Allison and Andrew.

Allison is friends with Neil, but she never spoke to Andrew after he attacked her for hitting Aaron. Although she understood why he did that and Katelyn told her about the treatment the brothers had.

But like anyone else, she prefers not to talk to him.

Neil's birthday is coming up. The foxes are preparing a surprise for you, something simple, pizza and alcohol.

It's the morning before his birthday, so Nicky asks Neil to go with him to buy new clothes (he doesn't want to, but Nicky insists too much), so that the rest of the foxes can prepare everything. They take Andrew's car.

Andrew ordered the cake. A message came from the bakery, your order was ready. He needed his car, but Neil had him.

Matt had gone to buy drinks, the only person with a car was Allison.

He explained that he needed the car, but she refused to loan him it. Allison offered to drive him, Andrew hesitated for a few seconds, but it is for Neil and he wasn't going to walk downtown, so he agreed.

The journey was silent. Allison put on the radio so that the moment is not so awkward. From the radio came a female voice talking about the life of a famous person and criticizing a lot. Allison went to turn off the radio. "I hate these shows where they just talk about other people's lives. As if they know them." She sounded angry, as if she had ever experienced something similar. "They talked about Kevin last week, can you believe it? Some idiot said he betrayed the raven." Andrew didn't expect that reaction from Allison, he didn't expect her to get mad because someone was badmouthing Kevin. Neil had told him that she would always side with the foxes, without exception, but Andrew didn't have much faith in that.

Maybe Alison hadn't had such a perfect life.

She parked a block from the bakery. They walked in silence. Someone yelled at Allison "nice ass!" and worse things. They were a bunch of drunk guys on the next block. She endured the first few words, but the next were too much. He went to the group of boys and hit the boy. The rest started laughing "bro, you got hit by a girl", that made Allison more furious. She try to control herself, is very strong, but they were many. But one hit her on the butt.

Andrew didn't want to interfere. He knows how strong Allison is. But seeing the scene, he couldn't stop thinking of himself saying "please stop." He ran out and pulled out a knife. "I'm sorry brother, we didn't know it was your girlfriend" and they ran away. "If you ever lay a hand on me again, I swear I'll cut off each and every one of you jugular!".

"I can't believe it, they only left because they thought you were my boyfriend!" She has a lot of helplessness and a little fear, street harassment is something that always terrified her. "And because I have a knife" said Andrew. "Thanks. I don't know what would have happened if you weren't here." Suddenly, that thought terrified her "oh my god, Andrew, what if they did something else? What if I never came home?" she sat on the sidewalk and started crying "seriously, thanks Andrew." They were silent for a few minutes while Allison recovered.

The next day, Andrew and Neil talked about Allison and what happened yesterday. Andrew's muscles were tense, that situation brought back many memories. Neil calmed him down.

From there, he began to get closer to Allison. He wanted to accompany her everywhere, he was afraid something would happen to her.

He realized that they have things in common. Allison knew a lot about cars and praised Andrew's clothes.

Allison painted his nails black. And Andrew loved Kevin's disapproving face (he was envious, if he did that, the press would criticize him) and he also loved that Neil couldn't stop looking at him.

Everyone was amazed at their friendship. Except for Renee, she knows them very well.

I hope you liked it 💛. And please, if you are one of those who says "compliments" to women as they walk down the street, let me tell you that you are the problem.

#sorry for my poor english #aftg #all for the game #the raven king #the foxhole court #the king's men #nora sakavic #andrew minyard #neil josten #allison reynolds #andreil #aftg hc #incorrect aftg #aftg headcannons #aftg headcanon #the foxes

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teacherunicorn · 4 years ago

Text

Delores Theadosia Hargreeves

Chapter Fifteen

Italics = memories

@tomisbaeholland

A/N: I am aware of Elliot Page coming out as transgender and am fully supportive of it. With the future of his character still in the wind however, I will be using she/her pronouns for Vanya for my writings at least for the time being. If rumors are true and the character will be transitioning as well, I will wrap it into my story accordingly. For now, I'm just following the plot of season one.

Diego was one of two Hargreeves children left in the city, and was the first to arrive back at the manor. The place had always been too big for comfort, but it still seemed strange seeing it so empty.

Not for the first time, he wondered what Delores' life here had been like before they'd come into it.

Traditionally, boxing was a more serious sport. The kind that attracted harsher people, under the counter bets and the like. Then again, Delores Theadoisa Hargreeves had never been traditional.

She stood just outside the fighting ring jumping up and down, and waving a handmade sign over her head. "Go Diego! Boo everyone else!"

Diego's opponent of the night; a burly man with full sleeve tattoos, looked between him and the tiny blonde.

"Your girl's got a lotta faith in ya."

Diego smiled but didn't drop his guard. "Wouldn't wanna disappoint." he said before throwing a heavy right hook into the man's jaw.

“Diego my boy.” Pogo’s voice broke him from his memories. “Good to see you.”

“Hey Pogo.” Diego smiled and hugged the chimp. “Anyone else turn up yet?”

“You are the first, but I expect your siblings shall be along shortly.”

“Delores?”

“The news got to her rather late, but she assured me she’d be on the first available plane.” Pogo informed. “Till then, she’s tasked me with keeping the rest of you in line.”

Number Two laughed. “Yeah, good luck.”

******

Next to arrive was Alison. Getting the news about Reginald’s death via paparazzi hadn’t been pretty, and frankly if it hadn’t gone down that way she probably wouldn’t have come. She had enough of her plate as it was.

“Onward to desert!” Delores ran across the large backyard, a then one year old Claire ridding piggyback. Patrick, who had been manning the grill for the barbecue, laughed and held the package of oreos over their heads. He was taller than Delores, so even with Claire on her back they couldn’t reach them.

Things had been a lot simpler when ‘Gammy Lori’ could be called any hour of the day. Having raised seven kids, Delores was much more capable of dealing with Claire than Alison was. It was hard sometimes not to take advantage of that.

It was even harder to stand by the lessons Delores had taught her and not take the easy way out.

“I want Gammy Lori!” a three year old Claire whined.

“Gammy Lori is working sweetie. She’s in Pennsylvania.”

“Where’s that?”

“A really long way away.”

“Can we go get her?”

“No, we can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s busy.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s very smart and works with smart people.”

“Why?”

“I heard a rumor that you stopped whining.”

******

Klaus tumbled in through one of the back doors and was immediately skimming the place for valuables.

"Really?" Ben's spirit said over his shoulder. "Didn't you tell Dede you'd keep at least a two month period between troubles with the law?"

"Hey, it's not like the old man is around to report anything stolen anymore. "God knows DT isn't gonna miss any of it; she hates this gaudy shit."

Every remaining member of the Umbrella Academy had a key to Delores' condo in the city. As such, it wasn't uncommon for her to come home to find one of them on her couch.

It was usually Klaus.

Number Four groaned as he blinked back to consciousness. His blurry vision focused in on the figure sitting on the coffee table. "Oh, hey DT. How long have you been here?"

"Couple hours. I came to check if you were alive again. You've been kinda in and out." While she didn't approve of Klaus' drug habits, Delores was the only one -- apart from Ben -- who understood why he had them.

"I didn't say anything stupid, did I?"

"You don't need drugs for that, Klausy."

"She's right, you know." Ben chimed from where he leaned against the couch's armrest.

Klaus threw a glare at the spirit over his shoulder before turning back to his caretaker. "Sorry, shady asshole must've mixed something in with the product. It's usually not that heavy...."

"Haven't I told you stay away from those types?"

"Com'on DT, I am one of those types!"

"Those are the rock bottom types that end up in a ditch somewhere." Delores flicked him in the head, making him wince as she rattled his hangover.

"Thank you!" Ben exclaimed.

"The type that don't have their big sister to push them into rehab. Speaking of, didn't you just get out of it like a week ago?" She continued, unaware that Number Six was even there.

"Maybe...." Klaus muttered. "But I'm not really the cold turkey type; you know that."

"There has to be something better." Delores sighed. "If you would stick around for more than a few days sleeping off a bender, you and I could figure it out! I've been riddling out your powers since you were born."

"No." Klaus said firmly. "Alright, I may be a deadbeat addict, but you are the one person who I refuse to mooch off of."

"Klausy --"

"Klaus --"

"Non!" He cut off both of them. "It took you way to long to get out from under dad's ass. You've finally got a life for yourself! Majority rules; you were out voted. No more mother henning!"

*******

Having the furthest to travel, it wasn't surprising that Luther arrived late to the mansion.

He had been the last of the Umbrella Academy, chasing the heroics dream Reginald kept feeding him. He and Delores had gotten into more than one argument regarding this, but she had always been there when he really needed her, wether she was angry with him or not.

Unfortunately, he had been out voted and she had left too.

Logically he knew it was good for her. She sounded so much happier on the phone than she had living here. The stubborn part of him that believed in the Academy's roles however knew her place was with them, even if they weren't kids anymore.

Delores hadn't been informed of his mission gone awry; his near death experience, what had brought him back, and the side effects of it. Reginald had done something or another to keep that out of the media, and Luther himself certainly wasn't looking to tell her.

The real kicker had been the moon mission. Reginald had sprung it on him so suddenly that he hadn't had the chance to call Delores beforehand.

He stood hunched in the doorway of her old room, eyes drifting over the relics she had left behind. Since Delores traveled so much, she hadn't taken everything with her when she first left. The majority of her things were now in her condo in the city, but there were still a few dusty pictures on the walls.

Moving forward caused his fingers to brush against the scritches on the doorway. Carved into the wood with one of Diego's knives were a series of dashes and dates marking the life of the Umbrella Academy.

Luther strained to stretch as straight as he could, resisting the urge to get on his tiptoes. He'd tried sneaking that past Delores and she'd smacked his head with the ruler.

The flat of a blade cut into the wood behind him and he immediately jumped forward to see her scratching the day's date next to it with a practiced hand.

"So?" He asked eagerly.

"Hmm." Delores held the ruler between an older mark and the mark she'd just made. "One and a half inches."

"Yes! I'm still the tallest!"

"Second tallest." Delores said, leaning her elbow atop his head.

"I told you to stop doing that!" He swatted at her, taking a step back to be out of reach.

"But you make such a good armrest!"

"Just you wait Dee; some day I'm gonna be even taller than you and you'll be the armrest!"

"Whatever you say squirt."

*******

Hesitant to come at all, Vanya was the last of the siblings to walk through the front door.

Ever quiet as a mouse, she stepped into the entry hall in near silence. Her sister was less so however.

"Vanya." Alison said in surprise as she came through the doorway of the living room. "You came."

"Hey Allison." Vanya smiled and accepted the hug offered to her.

Her flicker of confidence evaporated when Diego walked through the room and glared at her. "What's she doing here? You don't belong here, not after what you did."

"Diego now is not the time for fighting. And way to dress for the occasion by the way!" Alison called to his retreating back.

"At least I'm wearing black!"

"H-He's right, I shouldn't be here..." Vanya shook her head, wondering why she'd bothered. It wasn't like Delores would leave the country again without coming to see her -- she was the only family member who was still talking to her after all.

"No, hey." Alison cut her off. "I want you here."

The smile Vanya gave her sister was small and somewhat forced. The sentiment was kind, but patronizing. Everyone had been mad at her after her book had been published; even Delores.

Vanya unlocked her apartment door and jumped out of her skin at the sight of Delores sitting on her couch. She shouldn't be surprised at this point really, the older woman had mad it a habit since she'd been given a key.

"You should have locks on your windows." the caretaker commented idly.

"I live on the second floor."

"Rapist can climb."

"You are so weird." Vanya shook her head as she locked the door behind her.

"Oh now that's a simpleton word. You got much more creative as I recall. What was it? Apathetic, obtuse, and desperate to keep control?"

"M-my editor didn't like me making you a good guy when everyone else --"

"Oh will get to everyone else; you had no right to say what you did about them either. Airing out the dirty laundry for all to see....I'm really disappointed in you, Vanya."

*******

Vanya was the last of the Hargreeves siblings to walk through the front door, but certainly not the last to arrive.

After a very tense conversation about their father's death -- Luther was convinced it was murder, and while he didn't accuse anyone outright it was clear he didn't put it past them.

Everyone had split off to different areas of the house, and Luther thumbed through the records on the shelf in his room. The group really didn't do well as a group without Delores, but maybe he could at least minimize the hostility while they waited for her.

Finding the one he was looking for, he set it onto the player and turned the volume up as high as it would go. Soon enough, Delores' favorite song was echoing through the manor halls.

I think we're alone now

There doesn't seem to be anyone around

I think we're alone now

Alone now

The beating of our hearts is the onl-

The music was cut off rather abruptly as the walls and floor began to shake. Everything metallic went flying, and a large wave of something was glowing a familiar blue color in the backyard.

#tua #tua imagine #tua fanfic #umbrella academy imagines #umbrella acedmy #ben hargreeves #deigo hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #number five imagine #five hargreeves

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ingu · 4 years ago

Note

These TUA prompt drabbles you're doing are amazing. If you're up for more, how about “Is there anything you won’t do to get what you want?” and “Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

[Warning for period-typical racism affecting Allison in this fill.]

The expression on Allison’s face when she walked into the hospital room was almost enough to make Five instantly regret the phone call.

He knew he didn’t make a pretty sight, laid up in bed dressed in a hospital gown, an IV plugged into his arm. The doctors and the police officer had had far too many questions about where his injuries had come from. And the easiest way to get out of answering had been for him to play the scared kid and demand for them to call his family.

Though now that his family was here, Five found he didn’t enjoy the look of shock and worry that crossed his sister’s face in the slightest.

“Five!” Allison gasped, eyes wide as she rushed to his bedside. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Five said, pushing himself up, wincing as the movement tugged at his injuries. “I need you to get me out of here.”

“What happened to you?” Allison insisted. “Why didn’t you call me sooner? How long have you been here?”

This was the other thing he had been dreading, the questions. Frustration flared.

“Allison, if it helps, I didn’t want to call you at all,” Five said, reaching out his hand. “Now give me your coat, and the scarf.” He had no idea where they’d put his clothes and he had to hide the gown somehow when they left.

If Five could reliably walk on his own he’d already be out of here, but even getting out of bed was a problem at the moment with the painkillers in his system. His powers were refusing to cooperate and he needed someone to get him out before the entire nightmare would drag on any longer.

“Oh for the love of-” Allison sighed, the worry on her face hardening into a glare. “Do you know how hard it was for me to get in here? Looking like this?” She gestured at her face aggressively.

Right, segregation. “Considering your powers I didn’t think it’d be a problem.”

“I’m trying to not rely on it anymore, Five. Anyway, what happened to you?” Allison insisted, making no move to acquiesce to Five’s demands. “Why are you in hospital? Answer the question.”

Five, arm still outstretched, was starting to see the lack of wisdom in antagonizing the one person he was relying on to rescue him.

Five sighed, closing his eyes briefly as he lowered his arm. “Fine, I passed out in the street, okay? Someone brought me to the hospital when they saw the blood and injuries… and then they wouldn’t let me leave.”

“What?” Shock shifted back into concern on Allison’s face, and she looked down at Five’s body, raising an arm as though she wanted to check him over. “You passed out? What injuries? Who hurt you?”

Five’s first instinct was to refuse to answer, but that was probably equally pointless since Allison could easily get it out of the doctor. Was Five ever going to live this down? Most likely not.

“Just some bruising and scrapes, and the old shrapnel wound was bleeding again,” Five said. The doctors had also made some comment about malnourishment and exhaustion, but Allison didn’t need to know about that. Five was pretty sure he’d be fine.

“Shrapnel?” Confusion, then understanding, crossed Allison’s face in rapid succession. “Five, how long have you been in the 60s?”

Five raised an eyebrow. “Four? Five days?”

Allison’s eyes widened, and then she rubbed at her temples. “Oh my God. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“It’s not like I was hiding it,” Five said. “You guys never asked. Now give me your clothes. We need to get out of here before the nurse comes back.”

Five really didn’t want to find out if social services was already a thing in 1963, because he knew what all of it looked like right now. There were only so many conclusions a person could reach when they found what looked like an injured runaway passed out in the street.

Allison narrowed her eyes at him, before she sighed, clearly recognizing that Five was right, and started stripping off her coat and scarf. Five carefully removed his IV as she did, and then pulled the coat over his gown, before wrapping the scarf around his neck to hide the rest of it.

“Uh,” Allison looked over him. “Where are your shoes?”

Five shrugged, staring down at his toes. He’d sort of forgotten about shoes. He was going to blame it on the drugs.

“Okay, you look ridiculous,” Alison said as she looked over him, her face twisting with almost a smile. “I’m just going to ask them to give me your clothes.”

“Excuse me, who are you? How did you get in here?”

A soft female voice suddenly piped up from the doorway, both Allison and Five looked over with wide eyes to find a middle-aged nurse staring at them both. There was a polite smile on her face that masked her clear suspicion very poorly.

They must paint quite a picture for her. A ‘strange’ black woman standing over a young white boy in a white hospital.

Five really hated the sixties.

“I am…” Allison hesitated, an equally polite smile frozen on her face. “His babysitter.”

She smiled sweetly at the nurse, every bit of the award winning actress she was known to be.

Five grit his teeth, and did his best to smile and nod. Allison’s explanation was practical, even if it was annoying, and Allison’s expression told him she knew how much Five hated it.

“Mr and Mrs Hargreeves hired me to take care of him and his siblings while they’re out of town on vacation,” Allison smiled even harder. “He got bullied by his older brothers and ran away. I’m so glad someone found him.”

Five watched the nurse’s expression, his heart sinking when he saw her expression grow cold. She wasn’t buying it at all.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” Allison continued, exuding gratitude and relief. “I’ll be able to take him home to his family now.”

“Well.” The nurse’s face drooped with disapproval. “You’ve certainly done an excellent job watching this child. If you would give me his parents’ contact details, I will be reporting to them what you’ve done to him.”

Five sighed internally as Allison’s smile froze on her face. This was why he wanted to leave sooner rather than later. Maybe he should have called Luther instead of counting on Allison’s power to get them both out without incident. Of all the times for her sister to go through some sort of moral crisis about her power, she had to pick the 1960s.

Though Five supposed Allison hadn’t picked it, Five was the one who had stranded her here. Fuck. He had no idea how to even begin making up for the shit she must have gone through because of him.

“And don’t think I’m going to let this boy go with you after what you’ve clearly done to him.” The nurse continued, rambling in her self-righteous rage. “You’re the one who beat this poor boy, aren’t you? He is half starved, look at how skinny he is! I bet you haven’t fed him properly in days. I’ve always known that your people couldn’t be trusted with looking after our children, you-”

The moment the slurs started coming out, Five decided it was enough.

“Would you shut the fuck up?” Five said suddenly, cutting off the woman’s tirade before it could get any more abusive.

Allison’s was shaking with rage next to him, her hands clenched into fists. She looked about ready to punch the woman herself.

Five was tempted to do it for her, at this point. Calling Allison had definitely been a mistake. What a way to fuck up on top of passing out in the damn street.

The nurse started at Five’s interjection, and glared at him in outrage. “Excuse me, young man. I am tr-”

That was it. Five hopped off of the bed and then immediately crumpled as his legs refused to take his weight.

“Five!” Allison and the nurse rushed forward at the same time. Allison, who was closest, caught Five before he could end up completely sprawled across the floor.

The nurse closed the distance between them rapidly, then started trying to pull Allison away as even more hate spewed from her mouth.

Pulling on all of his strength, Five threw himself forward and punched her to shut her up.

“Five!” Allison shouted, her arms wrapping around Five as the nurse reeled back with a cry of pain.

Dammit. Five was still too weak from whatever the hell it was they gave him to knock the woman out. Five refused to believe it was just a matter of exhaustion.

Five kicked the woman in the shins.

The nurse stumbled back, shouting.

“Five what are you-” Allison fumbled awkwardly, trying to pull him back from the racist nurse.

“Just let me go-” Five lunged forward, fighting Allison as her arms tightened around his frame.

“I-I heard-” Allison stammered. “I heard a rumor that you forgot everything that just happened and think everything’s fine!”

The nurse’s eyes flashed white, and then confusion fell across her face as she stared at both of them in surprise.

Five relaxed in Allison’s arms, and cautiously watched the woman.

Beside him, Allison smiled nervously, and spoke again before the nurse in front of them could come to the wrong conclusion. “I heard a rumor that you completely trust me with this boy and have no problems with me taking him home. And that you will bring me his clothes.”

The woman’s eyes flashed white again as Allison’s power took hold. Then, a friendly smile unfolded over her face.

“Well, it’s so good that you’re here to pick him up. Let me go get his clothes so you can take him home,” the woman said gently, before she turned and walked out of the room, still smiling.

“Finally,” Five sagged in Allison’s arms the moment they were alone again. “You should have just done that from the start.”

“Five-” Allison sighed, though strangely enough, her arms tightened even more around him. “Is there anything you won’t do to get what you want?”

“Of course,” Five answered without missing a beat. “It just happens that beating up some racist asshole isn’t on the list.”

A tremor went through Allison behind him, and then, weirdly enough, she started shaking with laughter.

Five, feeling guilty for being the reason she’d just gone through the abuse, stood there and let her get it out of her system.

“God, I hate the past so much,” Allison mumbled after a moment, her arms loosening around Five. “Think you can stand?”

“I’ll be okay,” Five said quietly, carefully balancing himself. “Just give me your arm on the way out.”

“Alright,” Allison said, watching him with an uncomfortably soft smile on her face.

“And… sorry about that,” Five said. He’d underestimated just how messed up the period was when he decided to call her. “I won’t let it happen again.”

He was going to get her out of this time and back to 2019. That and also make sure he didn’t pass out again.

“Well,” Allison said, eyes gentle as she considered him. “You can make it up to me by buying me lunch.”

“Fine,” Five said, hoping his money would still be in his pockets when his clothes showed up again. “You can even choose where.”

Though, all things considered, pickpocketing some random so he could feed Allison was something Five was definitely willing to do.

“Getting you into a black diner is going to take a bit of explaining, though,” Allison murmured beside him suddenly.

Five sighed. He couldn’t wait to get back to 2019.

#i thought allison should get a turn #and now here we are #i hope you like it anon!#f: the umbrella academy #mine: fic #m: fic #Anonymous

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itsallavengers · 5 years ago

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hhhhh number 10 with harley and tony?

Harley stared numbly down at the freshly engraved tombstone, the words circling around and around in his head like a broken record. Here lies Alison Keener. 1968 - 2017. Forever in our hearts. There was a bit about her being a loving mother on there too, but he wasn’t looking at that bit. It wasn’t true.

He felt like he was in some sort of dream.

The wind picked up a little and he shivered, wishing he’d worn a thicker coat. Tennessee winters were unforgiving; his mother’s December death proved that much. It wasn’t surprising though- the liver disease, the kidney problems, the chainsmoking and the heavy drinking had all pushed her toward an early grave, and then the cold snap this year had probably been the final nudge that sent her over the edge. Heart attack. Harley had been at school. Hadn’t found her until her body had gone cold.

He wished he cared more about it, but he just didn’t. She hadn’t loved him. They hadn’t spoken in weeks by the time she’d died, even though they lived in the same house. And even when they did talk, it was mostly just to argue. The longest interaction they’d had since summer had been Harley screaming at her because she’d spent all their rent money on the slot machines.

He was looking at her grave and he felt nothing but an ache of regret. That was what upset him most, he thought. He was 17, and he knew that he wasn’t even going to miss his own mother.

A few moments passed in which he continued to stare at the frosty earth, and then he felt a hand settle on his shoulder, a contrasting warmth against the cold. Tony’s fingers squeezed, and he stepped closer until their arms were bumping. He’d been with Harley ever since the news of his mom’s death had broken, helping arrange the funeral so that Harley didn’t have to, keeping him company, watching out for him. And tomorrow, Harley was going to be flying to New York and taking up a room in the tower, where he would have to start up his new life. He thought he should probably have some opinions on that, be it positive or negative. But he didn’t. He couldn’t find it in himself to.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Tony said quietly, looking sideways and nodding his head. There was an understanding in his eyes that led Harley to believe he’d been in this situation before. “I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy- you’ll probably start coming to terms with everything soon, and trying to process it all will be a nightmare- but it’s gonna be okay.”

Harley nodded. “I know.”

“And like I said, you can leave the tower, or New York, whenever you want, and I’ll help you get on your feet in your own place if you decide that’s what’s best for you. Staying with me doesn’t have to be permanent.”

“I know.”

Tony paused, his eyes flicking down to the grave. He’d never met Alison Keener. But Harley could see in his tight expression that Tony was glad of that. Harley’s stories about her had never put her in a very good light. But still. She’d been Harley’s mom. And she had cared, once. In the beginning.

“I hated her,” Harley said, his voice flat, “I hated her and I wanted to get out of the house, the whole state, for years. But now she’s gone, and all I can feel is... I dunno. Regret, I think.”

“You’re mourning the parent that you never had,” Tony replied, soft, “you’re missing something that never existed. It hurts more when it doesn’t hurt, because then you have to think about why that is.” A small pause. “I grieved, when my parents died. For months. But it wasn’t because I missed them. It was because I didn’t.”

Harley sniffed, tightening his shoulders against the unforgiving wind. He glanced over to Tony. “I have no idea what to do now,” he whispered, hating the words. Tony didn’t need to hear this. In all honesty, Harley didn’t know why Tony even cared this much. He was just a rude little kid who’d latched on to the superhero and then refused to let go for 7 years. Tony Stark should have gotten sick of him a long time ago.

Yet here he was.

Harley realised his eyes were starting to go blurry with tears at the same time Tony did, and wordlessly, the hand on his shoulder slid around and pulled him into a tight embrace. Tony was wearing an expensive wool coat that kept out the cold, and Harley sunk into it. He couldn’t help it. Tony was the only person who’d been hugging him for years now. And it just felt nice to be vulnerable, in those few seconds where his face was hidden from view.

“Whatever happens,” Tony told him as he squeezed his arms tight around Harley’s shoulders, “I’m right here, okay? That’s a promise.”

Harley nodded shakily, staying quiet for a few moments before he asked quietly, “Do I get to be an Avenger now?”

“No.”

“But everyone else who lives in the tower is an Avenger.”

“They’re also all legal adults with years of training and/or superpowers.”

“I’ve been using that potato gun to improve my aim since I was ten. I could give Hawkeye a run for his money, I think.”

Tony pulled away, smiling exasperatedly as he wiped a tear off Harley’s cheek. “Don’t count on it,” he said, before he moved his hand and waved it behind him. “Do you want to stay for a little longer, or are you ready to go? We can get takeout for dinner if you want. Your choice.”

Harley swallowed and looked back to the grave again, just for a few seconds. In all honesty, he’d wanted to leave as soon as the funeral had started. But it wasn’t the done thing. Now, though, Tony was offering him an out- in more ways than one.

Harley was taking it. “Yeah,” he nodded slowly, running a hand over his face, “let’s get out of here.”

#itsallavengers writes #harley keener #tony stark #then they move to new york and uhhhhhhh harley falls in love w peter obviously #Anonymous

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abigailnussbaum · 4 years ago

Text

The Umbrella Academy, S2

I was pretty underwhelmed by the first season of The Umbrella Academy, and if it weren’t high summer with hardly any new TV to be seen, I might not have bothered with the second one. But to my surprise, season 2 of The Umbrella Academy is a massive - and, to my eyes, deliberate - improvement on the first. It’s not great TV by any stretch, but it’s engaging and fun to watch, and you find yourself caring about the characters and wanting to follow along with their story, all things that the dour first season failed to achieve.

My fundamental problem with the first season of The Umbrella Academy is that the show failed to convince me that its core family was worth saving. The basic premise of the show - seven superpowered children raised by an abusive tyrant who saw them purely as instruments to be deployed, and played psychological games intended to grind down their independence and prevent any chance of their feeling a stronger loyalty to one another than to him - is obviously a rich and evocative one (albeit also one that requires a depth and complexity of writing that very few superhero shows evince). But the premise of the first season - the surviving Hargreeves children, reunited at their father’s funeral, have to find a way to overcome their differences and move past their difficult upbringing or the world will literally end - kept bumping up against the simple fact that I didn’t want this family to endure. The Hargreeves were so mean to one another, and seemed to have so little affection for each other, that I couldn’t make myself believe they wouldn’t be better off just going their separate ways.

The show itself seemed to realize this, because it ended the first season with the Hargreeves’ dysfunction and inability to honestly address how badly they’d mistreated one another ultimately being the cause of the apocalypse, and with the siblings deciding that their only possible course of action was to reset their lives and rebuild their relationships from the ground up. It was the show tacitly admitting that the Hargreeves family was unsalvageable, and while that’s a bold storytelling choice, the writing just wasn’t there to support it. I finished the first season feeling rather fatigued with both the story and the characters, and uninterested in watching them relive their lives.

The second season feels like a soft reboot of that premise. The trip through time on which the first season ended is retconned - instead of sending their consciousnesses back to their childhood selves, the Hargreeves instead end up as their own adult versions in the early 1960s. The apocalypse they fled 2019 to avoid and were hoping to prevent by reliving their childhoods and repairing their relationships from first principles is essentially forgotten. Instead the Hargreeves focus on preventing a different, new apocalypse scheduled for November 25th 1963, and once they succeed at that, 2019 is altered in unspecified ways that prevent the end of the world from happening.

Most importantly, the Hargreeves suddenly feel like a family. A dysfunctional family, to be sure, whose members have to figure out how to relate to one another now that the abuser who shaped and poisoned their relationships is finally gone. But there is a suddenly a lot of affection between the siblings, even if most of it is expressed through teasing and needling at one another’s weaknesses. In S1, the Hargreeves felt like people who genuinely had no interest in knowing one another. In S2, they feel like people who don’t know how to relate to each other, but want to figure it out.

You see this in a lot of other things that the second season does to respond to frequently-voiced complaints about the first season. In S1, everyone hated how domineering Luther was and how badly he treated Vanya, so almost the first thing he does in S2 is apologize to her for his failings as a brother, and acknowledge that a large portion of the fault for her breakdown falls on him. Everyone was a bit weirded out by the Luther/Alison ship, so it gets barely any play in S1 (though with a bone thrown to the shippers right at the end). Everyone was charmed by Klaus and Diego, so they both get major storylines (and Diego, in particular, is softened and made more vulnerable, the better to take advantage of David Castañeda’s charisma). Everyone wanted more of Ben, so he becomes more vocal and even gets to interact with characters besides Klaus. Everyone got tired of Alison namechecking a daughter that we had no intrest in, so she barely comes up even though Alison is not only separated from her by a distance of sixty years, but last saw her in a world that was being destroyed by a meteor impact. And everyone came away from the first season saying “no way Vanya is straight”, and lo, she is not straight.

It’s an approach that you see in other Netflix shows - Stranger Things, in particular, is practically defined by its responsiveness to audience complaints, with each season overcorrecting in the direction of whatever reaction was most loudly expressed over the previous one. Ideally, you’d want showrunners to have a strong enough sense of their characters, story, and world that they don’t need the audience to function as a cowriter, but in the case of The Umbrella Academy, these changes are mostly to the good. I might have liked the darker story the show seemed to be telling in the first season, about a group of abused children who genuinely don’t like each other but also can’t relate to anyone outside of their family, but the writing wasn’t there for it. The lighter, softer version of The Umbrella Academy delivered by S2 actually works, so the show should stick with it.

It certainly helps that the second season shoulders several topics that I wouldn’t have expected the show to be able to address with any amount of grace. I have to admit that I cringed when I realized that Alison, trapped in the South in the early 60s, had joined the civil rights movement, because superhero stories do not have a great track record dealing with social justice, much less real-world movements. But the handling of this issue ends up being smarter and more effective than I could ever have hoped. It’s still a side-story to the main event of preventing the end of the world, but in the scenes and episodes that do place it front and center, the show is unflinching. The depiction of the lunch counter protest that Alison and her group organize, and of the vicious hostility they encounter for such a small, simple demand, is unsparing. It establishes both the depth of the hatred and violence that the protest arouses, and the impossibility of resisting “peacefully” against a system the views any assertion of your humanity as an act of violence.

I was also a bit concerned over the placement of Alison, in particular, at the center of a story like this. Obviously, as the only black member of the Hargreeves family, her experience in the 1960s would be unique, but she’s also a character who has been established as being too powerful for her own good, and having abused her power in order to dehumanize others. Placing her in a situation where she is being dehumanized because of her race felt like creating a fruitless tension, where Alison might feel reluctant to use her powers despite the fact that she is all-but powerless against the greater system of white supremacy. But again, the season manages to thread the needle, showing both the allure and the limitations of Alison’s mind control abiliites in the context of Jim Crow. I didn’t love the implication that Alison would almost immediately start misusing her powers once she decided to use them to open doors that racism had closed to her, but the show also makes it clear that her anger is justified, and her targets deserving.

By the same token, I heaved a great sigh when the season introduced Harlan and I realized that he was neuroatypical, because it felt almost inevitable that some aspect of the strangeness that follows the Hargreeves around would result in him being “cured”. But that didn’t happen! The season treats Harlan like a valuable and loved person who doesn’t need to become more “normal” for his life to be worth living. And though he does end up needing to be cured, it’s not of his autism, but of whatever Vanya does to him when she saves his life. I kept expecting the the moment when Harlan would turn to his mother and start speaking, and the fact that the season kept refusing to go there feels almost miraculous.

So yeah, the whole thing feels like a breath of fresh air, and as if the people at the helm are thinking a lot more deeply about their story, what works in it and what needs to be changed for it to work, than I would have said at the end of the first season. It’s still not an amazing story (part of the reason we’re able to spend so much time on subplots like Vanya’s romance with Sissy, Klaus’s cult adventures, Alison’s activism, or Diego and his conflicted relationship with Lila, is that the spine of the season is fairly perfunctory) but it does enough with the characters that I found myself genuinely interested in their relationships and eager to see how they would develop. I’m not used to shows rebuilding themselves like this, and it’s refreshing to see that even in the streaming era, that can still happen.

#the umbrella academy

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aaronhart93-archive · 4 years ago

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twins || alison and aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron & @alison-haynes

When: 9/28/2020

Where: the hospital

Mentions: briefly @romanbeckett

Description: Alison gives birth. And surprise! Twins!

Trigger Warnings: labor, child birth

Alison.

The weekend seemed to drag on. Alison felt lonely, she had did her best throughout the weekend to not text Aaron and bother him on his trip. Of course she facetimed with them a couple times over the time they were gone to talk to her small blonde headed daughter who was sure to tell her she was having so much fun at the beach. Before heading to bed Sunday night, Alison felt tightening and cramping in her abdomen and back, much like a contraction, but Alison wrote it off as a Braxton Hicks contraction. She had gotten those with Destiny, and she was still four and half weeks away from her due date. Alison didn't sleep well that night, constantly getting up and hoping that the Braxton Hicks would be over. But each time she woke up, they didn't seem over. Alison was drifting off to sleep once again, when she felt a gush sensation. Her eyes widened quickly, knowing that her water had just broke. Alison rolled over, trying to stay calm reaching for her phone. 4:32 AM. Alison wasn't even sure if Aaron had come back to the city Sunday night, or if he was planning to come back this Monday morning. But -- he was the person who she had to call. It wasn't like Luca was going to be there for the birth of his son, and Alison needed her friend. Shakily, Alison clicked Aaron's name in her contacts. She hated it was so early, she knew she'd wake the other, but this was happening and it was happening four and half weeks early.

Aaron.

Aaron had been back in the city for nearly the whole day but he was still exhausted from his trip to the beach house with Roman and destiny. It was a much needed relaxing weekend. He had been battling some depression lately which only only gotten worse when he relapsed at his birthday party. He didn’t like to believe that he was actually depressed which is why he didn’t tell most people about what he was going through. That included Alison. She was already so stressed out with her boyfriend leaving and with the baby‘s due date coming up soon. He didn’t want to stress her out with anything else. Besides, he was managing his mental health as best as he could. There wasn’t anything she could do about it so it was pointless for him to tell her anyway. Recently Aaron had been sleeping with his phone volume up all of the way in case Alison needed something in the middle of the night. Aaron was Alison‘s protector and with Luca gone she needed air now now more than ever. The sound of his phone ringing made him practically jumped out of bed. He turned to pick up the phone and saw it was Alison. His mind immediately went to his daughter, but she was with him tonight so he knew she was okay. “Hello?” He rasped. “Everything okay?”

Alison.

Alison couldn't believe this was happening so early. With Destiny, she had gone right up to her due date and even a couple days over. She was expecting at least another month before her son made his way into the world, but clearly the baby had other thoughts. He was coming tonight, and it wasn't like Alison could change that. She nervously listened to the ringer ring just once before hearing Aaron's voice on the other end. "I-Can you meet me at the hospital?" Alison hadn't even thought to call for help before calling Aaron, "Or pick me up? Or something -- Aaron, the baby is coming." She said into the phone. Her voice made it clear that she was surprised it was happening this early, and Alison did not at all feel prepared for this baby's arrival today. It was far too early, and Alison was only thinking of the worst. Was something wrong with her child? Why was this happening so early?

Aaron.

he paused for a brief moment, taking in everything that he had just heard. Right now? It’s way too early. He rubbed his eyes, thinking that that would make him hear her more clearly or something. “Are you sure?” Stupid question, especially because Aaron was already jumping out of bed and putting clothes on. “I’m coming. I’ll pick you up. I’ll be there — um, “ it was 4:30 in the morning in New York City, he could make it across north Kingsboro in a handful of minutes if he went quickly. “Less than 10 minutes. Did you pack a bag yet? Do you need me to bring you any clothes or anything?” He held his phone with his head between his shoulder and ear, hopping into a paid of sweat pants and already making his way towards her bedroom down the hall to grab a couple clothing items she had at his pent.

Alison.

Alison didn't want to be sure about this, she wanted to be wrong and to go back to bed, but she had a child before, she had gone through labor before and she knew it was time. Plus, her water breaking was a sure fire sign that her son was on his way to join the world and he'd be with them sometime soon. Of course she wasn't ready, as no one was ready to go into labor especially not ready over a month early. "I, everything is already packed." She told him, sure she wasn't expecting her son a month early, but she had packed the bag knowing it could happen at anytime. Alison reached for the water bottle on the side of her bed, taking a sip and then saying, "Please hurry."

Aaron.

“Okay. Okay.” He breathed, turning away from her room and back towards the master. “I’m coming.” He hung up the phone and shoved Roman awake to tell him where he was going and that he was in charge of Des and getting her to school in the morning. Without even letting him answer, he was out the door and starting the Range Rover with his car starter. He seemed to make it to the pop star’s pent in record time. He fiddled with keys to try to find the key to Alison’s when he got to the door. He was much less nervous for her delivery this time around. For obvious reasons. Once He finally got inside her apartment, he reached his hand out of her to take and slung her bag over his shoulder. “Round 2, momma!!!” He exclaimed.

Alison.

“Thank you,” she said into the phone before hearing the line go dead. Alison made her way slowly down to her living room so she would be closer to the door upon Aaron’s arrival. She just wanted to get to the hospital, deliver her son and make sure everything was okay with him. Her mind kept farting to the worst situation, but she knew she needed to just trust what was happening. Alison nodded as he spoke, “I can’t believe this is happening right now.” She mumbled, following him to the door. It was time to bring another life into this world.

Aaron

Aaron even did some tiny jumps and claps in an attempt to get her all excited. But he knew that she was definitely in a lot of pain, and was trying to lighten the mood or even make her laugh. He was probably still going to attempt those lame jokes even if they all failed. He just needed to stay calm, positive, and grounded for her. He still couldn’t believe this was happening a second time and he was so happy Alison asked him for his help with this. Of course, that was just because Aaron had this incessant need to be everyone’s savior. His therapist told him repeatedly that he couldn’t save everyone, but Aaron still believed he had to. The father wrapped his arm around his best friend and lead her to the Range Rover. He drove quickly yet carefully, and when they arrived to the hospital he pulled up front then ran around the passenger side to open the door for her. “Let’s go.” He said, offering her a hand before tossing his keys to the valet.

Alison.

Alison was beyond thankful that Aaron had agreed to help her through this. He was the only person to think to ask, the only person she was comfortable enough with to have him in the room with her while she birthed out a child. He had seen it all before, he knew how this was going to go down. It was different this time, as the baby she was about to bring in this world was not Aaron's child, but she was just as thankful for his presences as she was the first time around. Part of her wished Luca was here, and part of her was glad it was Aaron who would be holding her hand through labor. As they arrived to the hospital, Alison gently grabbed onto his hand as she pulled herself out of his car. She had called the hospital on their way, so they were greeted with a wheelchair for the Alison to sit down in. Alison looked up at Aaron, "Thank you again. For being here." She said, as they were brought inside to a hospital room.

Aaron

This was it. Aaron tried to keep an straight face but he was actually so terrified. He could feel the color draining from his face when they brought her into the hospital room. He followed her in. “Of course.” This was so weird; how this was happening again but in a completely different way at the same time. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly once she finally got into the hospital bed. Nurses entered the room, poking and prodding Alison and making sure she was really ready to give birth. “Are you doing okay, Ali?” He asked that question like three different times over the course of a several minutes. His heart raced but he was determined to keep a straight face for alisons sake.

Alison.

"I'm okay." She kept telling Aaron. But, she really wasn't. Her mind was all over the place trying to wonder why her baby boy was trying to make his entrance into the world so early on. The next few hours were brutally painful for the pop star, especially after refusing to get an epidural when offered, but then regretting it and asking for one just to find out it was too late for her to get one. Finally, it was time for Alison to push her son out into the world. Alison gripped tightly onto Aaron's arm, the sweaty popstar was by far ready for this to be over. She just wanted to hold her son and for the pain to calm down. After a few minutes of pushing, Alison heard the small cries in the room of her baby and a small smile spread over her face. Usually, the doctor would then put the baby on the mothers chest for a moment together, but that didn't happen instead the doctors told Alison because the baby was born so early and was on the smaller side, they needed to be sure he was okay. Alison felt overwhelmed, and the emotion was in her face, she also still felt more pain then she thought she would have. The doctor who delivered her son, turned back to Alison after handing her baby off to the nurses, "Are you ready to push for baby number two?" The doctor asked. Alison nearly lost all color in her face, "What do you mean baby number two?" The mother cried out. She wasn't having two babies, the entire pregnancy, every ultrasound there was only one baby. One little boy, not two babies. Alison felt tears running down her face once again as the doctor said the baby was coming whether she was ready or not. Alison squeezed onto Aaron tightly, getting ready to push once again.

Aaron.

Aaron tried to convince the singer to accept the epidural, knowing full well she’d regret that decision in a few minutes. This was all happening so fast and judging by how overwhelmed Aaron was, the billionaire could guess that Alison was feeling that tenfold. Alison gripped onto his hand so hard that he definitely thought his hand was going to break. He leaned on the railing of the hospital bed and tried to hold his hand as steady as possible for her. He saw that the pained look on her face and quickly realized that Alison could squeeze his hand as hard as she could, but that still wouldn’t compare to what her body was doing to her now. He stayed steady for her and tried to talk her through it as best as possible. Aaron peered over at the baby when the doctor held him. Oof. Gross. Still, it was kind of adorable. He frowned when the doctor told Alison she had to wait because the baby was so small. He did look a little on the small side. He looked down at his best friend. “He looks fine. Just like Des. Nice and healthy.” He lied in attempt to comfort her. His steadiness faltered when the doctor told her to prepare for baby number two. Two babies. Holy fuck. “C’mon, Alison.” He cheered, even though it sounded more like a demand. Like when you can hear your dad coaching you from the stands. That’s how he spoke to Alison.

Alison.

Alison wanted to know that her baby boy was okay, that he was healthy and that she could love him, but the current situation was distracting her mind. She was about to push out another child, one that she hadn’t even been aware of until just a few seconds ago. Was this another boy? A girl? And were both babies going to be healthy? All Alison wanted was for both babies to be healthy. The singer squeezed onto Aaron’s hand once again, as she pushed and pushed. Aaron’s voice might not have been the friendliest in the moment, but it comforted Alison just to hear it. Just a few short pushes later, Alison heard the doctor say, “Congratulations on your little girl.” Alison was mentally and physically exhausted, and wanted nothing more to hold the two small babies brought into the world by her. But she still didn’t even know if they were okay. Alison felt warm tears rolling down her face as she looked at Aaron, “Can you see them? Are they okay?” She asked worriedly. “I-I want to hold my babies.” She cried out, more to the doctors than to Aaron.

Aaron

Aaron gave her another strong arm as she pushed again. His face was one of horror but he tried to keep it straight for Alison’s sake. He couldn’t believe that she was having twins. What the fuck. Aaron smiled when the doctor held the second baby, knowing the worst of it was over and that she had delivered two whole babies. He smiled when he head the two baby wails as the nurses cleaned the babies off. “They’re perfect, Ali!” He exclaimed. Aaron moved out of the way so that the nurses could hand her her children. This was a lot. And so weird. One of the nurses turned to look at him, waving him over to hold one of the babies; she must’ve thought Aaron was the father. He’s headed wildly and made some weird hand motions to Signal to her that he wasn’t the father. This was Destiny’s min but these weren’t his kids. He was so damn happy for her because she knew how badly she wanted this. He could remember so clearly how she’d ask him to have another kid months ago. He liked his life right now, and he stepped aside to let his best friend have a moment with the two new additions to her’s.

Alison.

Alison was exhausted, as would anyone would be after giving birth to two babies. But that didn't matter right now, all Alison cared about was that her babies were okay. As the doctor handed over one baby and then the next, Alison looked down at the two very small babies with a tired smile on her face. Aaron was right, they were perfect. Alison couldn't see a single flaw in either of them, and she loved each of them so damn much. Alison knew at home she was only set up for one little boy and would need help setting up for the baby that surprised her, but looking down at the two perfect little faces in her arms, she wasn't upset that the little girl had surprised her or that they made their way into the world earlier than expected. She was just happy that they were okay. Alison tiredly looked from the babies over to Aaron, "I have two more perfect little babies." She said, happily.

Aaron

Aaron smiled when she looked over at him and took that as an invitation to go sit down next to her. He looked down at his daughter’s siblings and smiled widely. He could stop thinking about how excited his kid was going to be when she found out that she was gonna have TWO little siblings. “Congratulations, Alison.” He whispered to her. “Smile.” He said pulling out his phone and getting several pictures of Alison and the babies. She’d thank him later. “Did you decide on a name for the boy yet? Now you have to think of a girl name too.” He chuckled.

Alison.

Alison was excited for Destiny to find out not only did she get a little brother, but also a little sister. The smaller blonde had been a bit upset at first when she found out the baby wasn't a girl but had come around on the idea of a little brother. But, now she would have the best of both worlds. Ali was nervous about raising two more children, but she knew she could do this. As she smiled down at the twins in her arms, she knew there was no way she could ever disappoint those two beautiful babies. Alison felt Aaron taking pictures, and part of her wanted to tell him to stop because she was a hot mess, but she knew she'd cherish those pictures later on. Alison looked to the little boy, who weighed a little more than her daughter. "Yeah, his name is Graham Aaron Haynes." Sure, the baby wasn't Aaron's kid, but that didn't mean Aaron wasn't one of the most important people in Alison's life. It didn't mean that she couldn't give her son the middle name of someone who meant so damn much to her. She glanced at Aaron, hoping that he wouldn't think it was strange, and then back to the small girl in hands. "For her --," Of course there had been girl names that came to mind when Ali didn't know the gender and one stuck out and she could still think of now. "Emery. I think her name is Emery Rose Haynes."

Aaron

Aaron eyes widened and he felt his stomach drop. Did he actually hear that right? There was no way that Alison actually named her child after him. Of course...he was going to be known as Uncle Aaron and be around the kids all the time. These were Destiny's siblings and he already cared about them so much; he could picture taking the three of them to hang out together and he couldn't wait for Destiny to have siblings. She was going to be such an amazing big sister and learn so much about responsibility (and maybe she'll learn to share more). "Alison." He covered his mouth with his hand to hide the huge fucking grin on his face. "Oh my god." He almost laughed because this was just so unbelievable and he was so happy. "That's so...thank you. Wow." He stuttered. "I love you, Ali and I'm so so so happy for you." He beamed. "They're both perfect names. Especially Graham's, but both prefect nonetheless." He joked, already letting this get to his head.

Alison.

Alison knew that it would be a big deal for Aaron, giving her son Aaron as a middle name. There was very few people in Alison’s life who were always there for her, and Aaron by far was her favorite person besides her children. He was the person who was there through absolutely anything and everything, even when the two were having an argument, he would still be there if something serious came up in her life. Alison smiled over to Aaron, “Of course. You have made such a serious impact on my life and he deserves a name as great as yours.” She said, adjusting slightly in the hospital bed. “I love you, too.” She told him adjusting the babies slightly, “Would you like to hold him?”

Aaron

Alison was genuinely one of the most important people to Aaron. Without her, his life would be so different and he genuinely thought he be in a much worse place than he was now without her. She kept hm grounded and, of course, she gave him Des which is the best thing that Aaron could ever ask for. Aaron felt his heart get so full at her words. He nodded his head wildly when she offered to let him old her baby. "Yeah." He said, reaching out to grab the infant from her. He looked down at the baby that was named after him. He cooed at the baby who had finally stopped crying. He was fucking perfect, and Des was going to love him so damn much.

Alison.

Alison gently handed over her son to her best friend, then snuggled her daughter closer. “I can’t wait for Destiny to meet them.” She mentioned, looking over to Aaron. She had a quick moment of deja vu, remembering the first time she saw Aaron hold Destiny. But this time, it was so different, it was a boy and he was so tiny in Aaron’s arms, and of course Aaron wouldn’t be this baby’s father. But, she knew Aaron would be there for anything she would need help with. She brushed her lips against her daughters head lightly before smiling to Aaron, “Thank you again. For everything.”

Aaron

This was still so weird. He had been thinking about the last time there were here like this together, and he couldn't stop thinking about his daughter and just how excited she was going to be. Which of course mad him so fucking happy. His eyes flickered from both babies then back to Alison. "Of course." He told her. There was no way he was leaving his best friend to do this all by herself. And Aaron actually felt so proud that Alison would think to ask him to be here with her. He just couldn't wait for Des to get here.

#discord #alison

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shea-morgan · 4 years ago

Text

Discord Thread

WHO: Jace & Shea ( @jace-matthews )

WHEN: August 11th ish??

WHAT: Jace gets Shea a room to spend the night after bailing him out of jail

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mention of suicide/death & the knife incident

MENTIONS: @lorencourtier @warmvlbes @romanbeckett @aaronhart93 @beatrizgrey @alison-haynes @luca-regio @malakhai-ozera I think that’s everyone?

Shea. Being arrested was not even rock bottom. Being sentenced to a year in prison with bail posted at more money than he'd ever seen in his life was not rock bottom. It almost felt like it. But Shea honestly felt almost too relieved to be stuck here. It was a chance to just be disconnected from the world. Not have to go home to his mother. He honestly could have cried from relief if it weren't for the dream he had both nights spent in the cell. Waking him up in cold sweats and a loss for any humane hope for himself. Until anonymous payed his bail a few days later & he was released just like that. Of course with probation and some hefty papers about going to AA and looking to get therapy. And so the real rock bottom began.... After his shitty attempted at trying to catch a train out of here and running into Khai, he knew his own circumstances were so much worse. He refused to go home. It was now sundown and was still sitting on a park bench with his dead phone and envelope full of his belongings. There was a 5 dollar bill in his wallet, and even though his stomach was growling for food, he couldn't muster up the nerve to buy even a slice of pizza.

Jace Jace was waiting for a train himself and looked over when he noticed that Shea was out. He took a deep breath, realizing who it was and walked over, happy to see him but also, upset with everything that happened. He took a seat next to Shea, knowing they used to be best friends. His hands were in his pockets but eventually he mustered up the courage to actually reach out and touched his shoulder, looking over at him. "Hey."

Shea. He was really contemplating making this bench his bed for the night. He was starring at the opposite wall, his mind in the void at the moment before he felt someone sit down next to him. He still couldn’t tear his eyes away from starring at nothing now until he flinched when Jace touched his shoulder. He turned his head to look at him. “Hey,” he said quietly, looking him up and down like he couldn’t believe he was actually just sitting next to him like this.

Jace He could see the hurt in his eyes and it killed Jace. Maybe those feelings were not all gone like he thought. It was easy when they weren't talking but now, not so much. He swallowed hard as he looked at him, his eye bruised, and he just looked so down. Jace didn't know what else to do except to pull him in for a hug. "You're okay." He said to him lowly. "It's going to be okay."

Shea. Shea had never been vulnerable like this before. He really had absolutely nothing anymore. No job, no money, nothing. And then the second hug of the day came, and Shea tried so hard to hold himself together. What was it about these hugs? Maybe that’s why he never got close to people. And the optimism Jace seemed to have? Made it worse. Shea let him pull him in for a hug and he shook his head against Jace’s shoulder. He didn’t dare talk. Sobs were bursting at his seems any moment now. What made it worse? Shea knew he would reach this point in his life. It was either that, or he’d be dead. Honestly the later sounded like a better option. He chewed on his bottom lips and just pressed his closed lips to Jace’s shoulder and shut his eyes tightly.

Jace "Shhhh." Jace said as he held the boy to his shoulder. God...he knew the pain Shea was feeling. Embarrassment, disappointment, fear: he'd been there. What shea did was not okay but it was clear Shea knew that. Jace partially blamed himself because he knew this spiral started right after he started seeing Loren. To know how Shea felt now wasn't going to solve anything. But he damn sure could be there as his friend. So without another word, he held him super tight, running his hand over the back of his head.

Shea. Shea eyes watered a little, and he didn’t move from the comfort of Jace. Until finally he picked his chin up, just to keep saying, “I’m sorry, I really am sorry,” to Jace. His voice was just barely above a whisper before he pulled back and sat forward beside him. “I just really need somewhere to go for the night,” he muttered a little louder this time. God this really sucked. He hated to put Jace in that situation. If Shea had to guess how the majority felt about him in this moment... it wouldn’t be hard to know they hated him.

Jace "I would bring you back to my place but Loren and Emily are there and Emily isn't in the best shape." He responded and then stood up, offering Shea his hand. "I can get you a room. Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked him, truthfully. Because he would. Shea did some fucked up shit but Jace didn't want to leave him alone. Not like this. "Just say the word."

Shea. He sighed a little and leaned his head in his hand, pushing his hair back a little bit. He shook his head and sat back up, swallowing, "No... it's fine, no, don't pay for a room," He replied. "I'll figure it out." He turned to look around again, before looking back at Jace. "What's going on with Emily?"

Jace “No.” Jace said to him, turning around. “What were not going to do is this. You’re going to let me pay for a room. You’re going to let me do this shea. Stop telling me no.” He said sternly, still offering his hand to the boy. “Let me do this. Please.” He said. “I’m not taking no for an answer.” He sighed waiting for shea. “She...was attacked”

Shea. Looking up at Jace now standing in front of him, and pretty much throwing a fit about Shea’s rejection kind of had Shea stunned. He really didn’t expect it. Not after what he did. He starred at him for a moment or two and then at his hand. He didn’t say anything before he finally stood up. He started walking, expecting Jace to follow, glancing to his side. “What do you mean she was attacked? By who?” Of course he was concerned, but Shea still didn’t know if he was in the right mind for anything right now. And besides the fact that nobody probably wanted a visit from Shea at the moment anyway. He knew she worked for and was good friends with Roman. Just like before ... you could never escape Roman.

Jace “as in a guy literally jumped her in a park. She has a cracked rib, lacerated kidney and a busted head.” He laughed out of nerves. “Sounds way more awful than it actually was but shes doing better.” He shrugged, walking along side shea. “How many nights?” He said to him. “Because you’re not just gonna be homeless. I refuse it.”

Shea. Shea didn’t laugh, or really have much of a reaction. It was awful, it didn’t matter what Jace said. He felt terrible, but what do you say to that? Shea was never a man of words when it came to trauma and emotional things to begin with. He just simply nodded after Jace assured him she was doing better. He really missed a lot between getting loaded everyday and then losing his shit and nursing a 3 day hang over in a jail cell. “I’m not homeless... at least not yet anyway,” he told him. “One night is fine.”

Jace He laughed, shaking his head. “I’m not just doing this for one night Shea. While others may not be your biggest fan right now, you can’t just up and become homeless. Tell me you’ve got a place to go after check out and I’ll consider 1 night. But if not, we’re going for a week.”

Shea. Shea was reluctant to talk. But after another deep breath he said, “I still have my apartment,” he admitted. “I can go there.” At least he assumed it was true. His bandmate was still there ... even though his mom had kind of invited herself in on the couch.

Jace "Okay but if I fing out you're homeless on the side of the road somewhere, I won't be happy." He said sharply, walking him into the hilton he was very familiar with and starting to book a walk-in. After being handed the keys, he turned to shea and handed them over as he helped to walk him up to the room. "Is there anything I can get for you? Clothes? Food?"

Shea. Shea pressed his lips together, just nodding. Although Shea has survived on the streets before. He followed Jace into the Hilton, watched him book a room and feeling his stomach turn inside out. He hated this feeling of helplessness. He walked next to Jace up to the room, shaking his head. “No.... you’ve done enough,” he said.

Jace "Alright." Jace said taking a deep breath as he knocked back on his heels and smiled at shea, as he leaned against the door frame. "Well, if that's all, I guess uh...I can get going." He mused, pressing his lip in a hard line.

Shea. Shea chewed on his bottom lip, leaning on the opposite side of the door frame to face him. He was quiet, expecting Jace to just turn and leave. He wanted to ask him to stay so bad, he just didn’t know how. He had never done that before.

Jace He sighed, seeing as though Shea wasn't saying much more, he bit his lip. "Um....you sure there's nothing else you need? I'm scared to leave."

Shea. Shea was still quiet, chewing the inside of his cheek now. Then he shook his head, “me too,” he muttered quietly and then pushed his fingers through his hair. “I mean ... I don’t want you to leave,” he said even quieter.

Jace "So you do want me to stay..." He smiled at him half-heartedly and nodded, taking off his coat and sitting down at the foot of Shea's bed.

Shea. Shea watched Jace help himself into the room so easily after Shea told him to stay. He pressed his lips together to hide a tiny smile. Shea shut the door and turned to go and lay down on the bed. “Are you going to spend the night?” He asked, looking down at him sitting at the foot of the bed.

Jace Was it really a good idea for Jace to do that? Probably not but at the end of the day, this was his friend. It'd be hard to try and explain to loren that he was staying at someone else's spot though. Especially Shea's. "Um..." He said for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip. "I can probably stay as long as you need me to but I am not sure that spending the night would be the best idea." He sighed. "I just...don't want to get myself in trouble."

Shea. It was true, Shea hoped he would. He really didn’t want to be alone, he was so tired of it. But his response was expected, as much as it was disappointing. He sat up in the bed and leaned against the headboard, raking his teeth over his bottom lip. “Yeah... I get it,” he told him. Shea knew he didn’t have anyone to lean on. And he already asked enough of Jace. He couldn’t expect him to do that for him. “Um, .. it’s okay, you can go,” he said and sighed, rolling over and hugging a pillow.

Jace “I-“ Jace frowned looking at Shea. “Shea no. I’m not leaving just yet.” He frowned. “I told you I can’t stay maybe over night but that’s not to say that I don’t want to be here.” He assured him. “Please don’t shut me out...that hurt when you did it the first time.” he admitted softly.

Shea. Shea looked at him over the pillow. “I’m not trying to shut you out,” he said. “I’m the enemy now, and I don’t want you to get involved more than you already are... buying me a room and all. No one would be happy about that. They all want me in jail, including my own self but here I am..”

Jace “me nor Khai think you belong in prison. But yeah did you lose your mind? Probably so.” he shrugged. Sighing to himself and then looking over at Shea. “I’m not the type to hold grudges. What you did was really fucked up but I can’t just leave you and I’m not here to judge you”

Shea. Shea sat up again, leaning on his elbow to really look at Jace. “Oh my god... you paid my bail,” he said, mostly just now realizing it himself. He swallowed and starred at him for a good few moments. “Why did you do that?” This was probably a stupid question. And it really didn’t need to be answered, Shea was just in awe. But also .... unfortunately not happy with it. It would have been easier on everyone if he just stayed in jail.

Jace “wasn’t just me.” He said looking over at him. “And this isn’t for you to run and tell everyone either. I’m not trying to be the most hated individual in kingsboro for trying to have a heart for you.” He sighed shrugging. “Maybe because I care” he said to him looking over to him. “Because you’re someone I actually had feelings for.” He shook his head.

Shea. Shea’s eyes felt heavy. Not in a tired way. Probably because he could have cried hearing that. That someone actually cared and wanted to give him a chance after what he did. He blinked a few times, but it still didn’t get rid of that feeling. “I’m sorry...” he found himself saying it again. He said it to Khai too. He really was sorry for creating this mess. “You know I ... I really didn’t mean anything I said to Roman and ... I was out of control with the knife and everything ... and I’m sorry for what happened in the stairwell. I Lost it after that. I lost control. It’s not an excuse, and the drinking isn’t an excuse and Khai thinks I need to get help and I know he’s right I just can’t. I don’t know what to do..” he was rambling by the end until he finally shut up after choking up a little. He swallowed it back again and shook it head, closing his eyes with a quick sigh.

Jace “you know I appreciate you apologizing but you know who would appreciate it more? Roman, Aaron, Bea?” He asked, cutting his eyes to him. “I’m willing to forgive you but it’s them that really deserves the apology.” He took a deep breath listening to the advice Khai gave him. “And yeah help...that sounds about right.”

Shea. “yeah I’m aware. But I think they’d appreciate the space at the moment,” he said. He laid down again. “Why am I apologizing to Bea?”

Jace "I don't know. I spoke to her and she said she felt used." He shrugged. "I don't know your history with her much at all but that's just how she feels."

Shea. Shea chewed on the inside of his cheek again when Jace told him that. God he felt like such a mess. He sighed to himself again, moving his head to put his hand in his hair and then burring his face in his arm and the pillow. “I’m shit,” he said, his voice muffled by the pillow. “My life here is over, I need to move again.”

Jace "Shea, I've really had enough of the negative talk." He sighed. "I'm not going to sit here and play your sad fiddle. I get you fucked up but you can bounce back. You need to just apologize and let that be the end of it. Get yourself some help but running away from your problems will solve nothing. So shut up with the bullshit, or I'm gonna go. Because I'm really sick of people coming in to my life just to walk out on it."

Shea. Slowly, Shea sat up again. But this time he leaned forward and pulled his knees up. “How do you expect me to get help when I have no job and no money? Probably no one will hire me now. Especially when Aaron whispers in everyone’s ears. Besides that ... literally everyone here will drop to their knees and suck Roman’s dick. You think they wanna see my face in public? And you won’t ever understand ... this was what my life was bound to come too. Everyone knew I would end up a psycho in jail...”

Jace "I'm not someone who wants to suck Roman off so let's not say everyone and I'd be happy to help you get help. You just need to ask." He said to him truthfully. "You need to focus on the now though. I'll help when I can."

Shea. “it’s a .. figure of speech... sorry it’s so vulgar.” Shea sighed a little bit. “I’m not good at asking for help, and I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to owe anyone anything. Medical help is a lot of money. Not to mention the money you spent just bailing me out.”

Jace "Yeah well that last bit stays here and I already told you it wasn't just me who bailed you out." He sighed. "I'm offering to help you shea. Take it or leave it."

Shea. Shea pressed his lips together and hugged his knees a little tighter. “I just ... need a friend,” he admitted quietly looking down at the bed spread. “But I know it’s my fault I keep everyone at arms length.” He admitted. No one ever knew him like his ex did, he not only was in love with her but she was the closest he’d ever gotten to someone. Probably why he was so reluctant to let her go and easily let her string him along every time she came back. She definitely would not have put up with this though and he knew it. But for some reason that was comforting. It was just strange to hear the same kind of harsh love from Jace.

Jace "I'm here to be your friend." He said sighing. "I may not need to be here, nor should I be but i'm trying to be your friend." He looked around, then back at Shea. "Just let me."

Shea. Shea traced the lines in the comforter with his fingers for a moment. Until finally he leaned forward and crawled across the bed and laid his head in Jace’s lap. “Can we talk about you now?”

Jace "Me?" HE asked, watching as the boy crawled across the way and landed his head into Jace's lap. Oh god....this wasn't what he expected. He was even hesitant what to do with his hands so he just leaned back, using them to balance him out. "um...what do you want to know?"

Shea. “well.. if we’re going to be friends... I don’t know your middle name. I don’t exactly know what you even do, have you lived here forever? I don’t know. All I know is you work for Roman and you sing and you know how to fake a nut.” Shea turned his head to look up at him.

Jace Oh. This is was getting to know him. Well, yeah there wasn't any harm in that which made Jace chuckle. "Ive been here for about 3 years." He smiled. "And My middle name is Dante. I'm just an actor and singer. Not really anything special about me other than I'm adopted, which you already knew."

Shea. “Okay, what else do friends know about each other?” He asked. “I don’t have a middle name.... so my high school band mates used to call me Shea Fucking Morgan,” he admitted and then after a moment let out a soft laugh. “And you already know I’m a fucking psycho who knows how to ruin his life like it’s his job.”

Jace He chuckled. "You want to just hit me with 20 questions?" He smirked, looking down at him. "I can do that."

Shea. “I don’t even know what to ask..” he shrugged a little. “Actually ... what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

Jace "Bailing you out." He teased, playfully pushing Shea's head before placing his hand back. "How about....did you know i'm from Hawaii?"

Shea. Shea rolled his eyes. “Besides that. ... and Hawaii.. that’s at least a little bit unexpected.”

Jace Jace had to really think about this. He didn't have a clue what to say. " i really don't even know. Maybe i haven't done it yet?" He shrugged. "I pantsed a teacher once."

Shea. Shea rolled his head over and chuckled a little bit before he sat up. “A goodie goodie,” he muttered. “Did you get detention?”

Jace “Even worse...I Got ISS." He laughed. "I remember telling my parents, worried it wouldn't get me into an Ivy League school only to not even choose to go to school."

Shea. Shea chuckled again, his eyes closing for a brief moment before a small head shake and licking his lips. “Okay, finally... something we have in common. School was never in my cards, just shocked enough I graduated high school.”

Jace "But hey you did it!" He laughed, looking down at Shea. "And you may not doing the ideal things you hoped but everyone has a chance to turn around. Look at Luca." He smiled.

Shea. He raised an eyebrow at him, “um ... who’s Luca?”

Jace He laughed. He didn't expect Shea to know him but that's okay. "He's Alison's boyfriend." He smiled, clearing his throat. "Ex-convict."

Shea. “I ... am not even sure I know who Alison is.. but okay,” he said. “Ex-convict ... I’m listening.”

Jace "She's literally one of the most famous people in kingsboro, Shea. Aaron's baby mama and best friend." He explained and then cleared his throat. "He was in for drugs."

Shea. Shea sighed a little. He was never the person to care to pay attention that stuff. “Oh... thanks for filling me in,” he said. “Was he selling them?”

Jace "As far as I know, yeah. One of the biggest dealers in the bronx." He raised a brow. "Aaron can't stand him."

Shea. Shea nodded and pressed his lips together. “And so ... you’re telling me I need to date a pop star?”

Jace "I'm telling you that he got a second chance. Please pay attention." He scoffed, shaking his head as he fell back on the bed. "You'll get yours."

Shea. Shea kind of laughed a little, before picking his head up and then leaning on his own arms again. “I’ve already had ... second, third ... hell fourth chances already,” he admitted.

Jace "Im going to leave if you don't shut up and listen."

Shea. “I am listening! Do I not have a right to be honest with you? Isn’t that what you want?”

Jace "I'm over the negative nacy bullshit" he told him sternly. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you degrade yourself."

Shea. “Jace, I’m just telling you how it is,” he laughed a little. “But I’m sorry I guess ... and I really do want to turn my life around. It’s just not that easy...”

Jace "It's not going to be." He told him honestly. "But i'm willing to help lead you there."

Shea. “it’s hard for me... to just accept help,” Shea sighed a little bit, plopping back down. His head falling back on Jace’s lap and looking at the ceiling.

Jace And again, there he was in his lap. He sighed, still wanting to figure out what to do with his hands. Finally biting the bullet, he ran his hands over his hair, smoothing it back a bit. "Well accept at least mine."

Shea. Shea blinked, looking up at Jace as he ran his fingers through his hair. It was soothing, but it made his stomach turn. His brain was telling him to sit back up. But Shea really needed to try hard at letting people in and letting people get close to him, so he stayed put and just focused on the ceiling again. “I mean... I’m in this hotel room and not in a jail cell right?”

Jace He kept stroking his hair and then eventually stopped to balance himself on his hands again. He took a deep breath nodding as he looked down to shea. "You are and that's where I like you. What you did was fucked up but that doesn't mean you just belong there." He told him and then smiled down at him.

Shea. Shea shifted his gaze to look at Jace hearing those words. “Some people think so,” he mentioned, before he blinked and looked down at the bed and the surroundings of the room. It was a nice hotel room, and Shea could honestly say he had never actually spent the night in one before. “Are you sure you can’t ... I don’t know.. get another room at least? Next to mine.”

Jace "I could definitely look into doing that." He smiled, looking down at the boy. "Do you like it or should I consider booking you elsewhere the next time something like this happens?" He asked him, raising a brow. "Which, that was a joke because this better not happen again." He laughed.

Shea. Shea looked up at him. “Yeah.. it won’t happen again, mom.” He mocked back. Then he half laughed a little because of the irony of that joke. He rolled over off of Jace now, sat up and pushed his hair back. “I’m starving,” he said. “Think there’s anything to eat close by?”

Jace he rolled his eyes, laughing as he heard shea and then took a deep breath. “Depends what you’re in the mood for babe. You want pizza? Asian? American?”

Shea. “I ... don’t know,” he started, then shrugged. “I guess pizza will be good.”

Jace “alright.” He picks up the phone, ordering some delivery before looking back at Shea, smiling and then thanking the person over the phone. “45 minutes.”

Shea. He blinked when Jace immediately picked up his phone to order the pizza. “I .. would have gone to get it,” he said to Jace. “But, thank you..”

Jace “you’re not leaving my sight.” Jace said, patting his lap again. “We’re you not comfy or what?”

Shea. “Well I have to leave your site when you leave me in the room alone to sleep,” he pointed out. Then he glanced to Jace’s lap and then met his gaze. “I mean... yeah it was comfy... but are you?”

Jace “I...didn’t think about that.” He snickered taking a deep breath. “Well right now, I want you to stay within my sight.” And then he looked down at his lap. “It was comfortable for me. I didn’t mind it at all.”

Shea. “So I’m being baby sat,” he pointed out, but he laughed a little. Then he turned on his back and laid his head back down in Jace’s lap.

Jace “I’m just trying to be a protective friend.” He smiled, laughing with shea as he stroked his hair again and looked down at him. “You seem like you could cuddle if you don’t think about it.”

Shea. Shea blinked up at Jace, eyebrows raising together. “If I don’t think about it?” He was a little confused what he meant.

Jace “yeah remember you’re not gay so you probably think about your actions before actually going through with them. When we cuddled the first time, you denied it. Now I’m telling you if I cuddle you, I hope you don’t deny it the way you did the first time. Even as your friend.”

Shea. Shea just starred at him through his eyelashes. A million excuses were racing through his head, until he remembered that he knew he had to change and not but such an asshole. “It’s just that it’s ... kind of like subconsciously being vulnerable with someone, and I’m not good at that.”

Jace “I think that’s understandable.” He said to him. “I know how hard it is to let someone in like that. It’s a part of you that you don’t want to share if you’ve been hurt over and over”

Shea. Shea was silent again. He licked his lips and pressed them together, shifting his to look at the ceiling again. “Have you been hurt over and over?”

Jace “of course I have.” Jace told him truthfully. “Not just by lovers but by family too.” He said to shea looking down, his hand still stroking his hair. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”

Shea. “I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life,” he admitted. And he really thought he would always end up with her until just recently. It was probably stupid thinking, but to him it wasn’t crazy.

Jace “I’ve had both.” He said to him, raising a brow. “I like both genders and I’m okay with it. But neither one is the better one. We all fucking suck.” He laughed. “And I mean really suck.”

Shea. “no one sucks as much as me,” he said with a small laugh. “ and ... your sister. We could have been something, but I fucked that all up.” Was this venting? He wasn’t sure. But he never talked about it before.

Jace “yeah I don’t even like to think about that Shea.” He said to him honestly. “It hurts to think it was me or her.” He shrugged. “And...expected to just know how you felt.”

Shea. He picked his head up a little to look at Jace. “What do you mean you or her?” He was confused now. “Me and her ... happened before I met you. I mean.. we were seeing each other and she wanted to be my girlfriend but I told her we weren’t. I was an ass. It was dumb. I was afraid of the commitment.”

Jace “and then you admitted to having feelings for me.” He said looking down at him. “And you’d be a fool to think that I didn’t have feelings for you.”

Shea. “and her and I were over by then, we just recently started talking again, as friends.” He explained. “It’s not like I planned for that. Besides the fact that whatever I was feeling for you was scary for me.”

Jace “why though? Was I that dangerous to you?”

Shea. He snorted and dropped his head back down. “I don’t know... are you?”

Jace “I mean I don’t know. Are you scared of me now?” He laughed. “I would have never hurt you shea.”

Shea. “No, I’m not scared of you.” He told him. “It’s not about that anyway, I can handle being hurt .... well... disregarding the current situation.”

Jace "I-" He sighed, hanging his head, pinching the bridge in between his eyebrows. "Nothing. Look, i'm sorry."

Shea. “Sorry about what?” He asked.

Jace “I'm sorry I just....didn't wait for you." He shrugged. "Loren is just...he's amazing. I didn't expect to love him the way that I do but I do and i can't change that."

Shea. Shea shook his head. “Jace, it’s fine. I didn’t ... I’m not asking you to wait for me. He’s obviously better for you anyway. It was just a stupid crush, I’m fine. I wouldn’t have done anything about it anyway. So I’m fine.”

Jace Wow. That stung like a bitch. Jace shook his head... even though he wasn't interested in starting anything with shea anymore- reallly? Not done anything about it? He sighed, getting up. "Yeah. I'm gonna go see if I can't get another room. I'll see you later."

Shea. He rolled off of Jace when he moved to get up, and then sat up to face him, while he made an excuse to leave. Shea sighed heavily, closing his eyes and leaning his head in his hand for a moment. Then he looked back up at him, “Jace, come on. You literally just told me you’re in love with Loren. What did you want me to say or do?”

Jace “Maybe kept that information to yourself then." He scoffed, picking up his coat and walking out of the hotel room.

Shea. Shea flopped back on the bed and sighed to himself. Once again Shea’s brutal honesty was getting him into trouble. His brain was telling him to leave as well. Abandon the room and go home. But his gut was telling him it wasn’t right. He needed to start now and keep it up if he really wanted to change. He pushed himself off the bed and followed Jace out into the hall way. “Jace...” he trailed off.

Jace He was halfway down the hall when he heard shea's voice and turned around. "Yes?"

Shea. He stared down the hall at Jace, not even sure what he planned to say. It took him a long few moments. Then he started to approach him again, "I ... didn't say that to make you hurt or anything. I just wanted to be honest with you.. that if you waited for me.. it would have been useless. and again - please don't take that the wrong way either. I'm just saying... you made a better choice with Loren. Because I'm just..... this.." he ended and gestured around himself - meaning the whole ending up in jail situation with no where to go.

Jace "You would've been something to me and you are something to me. It's not my fault you don't have faith in me or what could have been." He shook his head and walked on to the desk.

Shea. Shea tilted his head and watched him. His lips parted like he could have kept arguing. But his brain was malfunctioning on weather to keep arguing or if it was even worth it when he knew Jace was with Loren regardless. So he just blinked and shook his head watching Jace walk to the desk. He turned around to go back into the room, but when he got to the door and pushed the handle, it was locked. .... the key inside. So he turned around and let his head fall back against the door.

Jace On his way back, he ended up getting the other room that was just across the hall, turning back to look at Shea. "You can just request a new one at the front desk." He said before handing him the one he stuffed in his pocket. "But here."

Shea. Shea bit down on his bottom lip. "Thanks," He said, taking the key from him. He turned to unlock the door but before he walked in he paused and said. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Jace “Of course you are." He said sighing. "but what's new? I'm used to people hurting me time and time again." He shrugged, letting himself into his room and shutting the door.

Shea. Shea turned and watched him just shut his door in Shea's face. "and ... I'm used to hurting people..." he muttered quietly to himself and then turned back into his own room.

Jace Upon entering his room, he peeled his shirt off and headed right into bed where he turned on cold case.

Shea. Soon after there was a knock on his door and Shea jumped before he pulled it opened. It was the pizza delivery. Shea scrambled to find some extra cash in his wallet for a tip and then sent him on his way. He placed it on the table in the room before he turned back, finding a way to prop his door open, cross the hall and knock on Jace's door.

Jace He heard the knock, frowning when he got up and went to answer, seeing Shea standing there. "Forget something?"

Shea. "Um.. do you want some pizza?" He asked. "You did order it after all..."

Jace Oh shit! The pizza. He completely forgot that he had ordered them some after all. The mention made his stomach growl and he cleared his throat. "um..yeah actually."

Shea. Shea nodded and turned to go back into his room. "You have to come and get it though." He called back to him.

Jace “of course.” He mumbled to himself, getting up and walking out towards Shea’s room again and knocking on the door. “2 slices and I’m out.”

Shea. Shea shut the door behind Jace, and casually stood in front of it while Jace went to get his pizza. “Please stay and ... let me explain,” he said.

Jace He was literally on the brink of leaving when he noticed that Shea was standing right in front of the door, blocking any way for Jace to push through. He sighed. Was he really in the mood to hear the excuses? "Shea, i think you said enough but if you insist...."

Shea. “Jace...,” he started. “I told you I’m afraid. And it’s not of you. That’s what I meant when I said I wouldn’t have done anything about my feelings.” He said. “I promise I didn’t say that to you to make you upset. I just wanted to tell you the truth. And the truth is.... I ... never had feelings for a guy before and that’s what I’m afraid of.” He pressed his lips together, looking away a moment. “And it was hard enough for me to just admit that.” He but his lip and then started again. “And I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear either. And also the second truth is that you’re happily with Loren, and I won’t stand in the way of that either. I’m lucky enough to have you as a friend. One willing to literally bail me out of jail.”

Jace Oh this was more like it. Jace knew it couldn't have been just him in general. But this made more sense. He was once there too. Very scared to even attempt being wiht a boy. Spending his whole life, he was told this and that was wrong and it shouldn't happen. But this was a part of who he was. "What I didn't want to hear is you not wanting to do something about liking me. Liking me shouldn't be this crime." He shrugged. "But i appreciate you telling me the full truth."

Shea. “sometimes I say things and I guess I just expect people to understand,” he shrugged a little. “I am bad with words. It’s why I’m not good with communication. I also didn’t mean liking you was some chrime. Besides that, I’m flaky about my feelings regardless. It doesn’t matter who it is ... I mean, I am the reason Bea and I never were anything serious. I’m afraid of commitment.”

Jace “you-“ Jace shook his head. “You didn’t really have to be in a relationship with me though. Not if you didn’t want to. We could have just had a little fun. Look this is all new to you. I would have never just thrown you into anything without your consent first.” He sighed. “I just wish you would have told me sooner”

Shea. “I ... never thought you would... that’s not what this is about,” Shea tried to explain, because it was like Jace didn’t understand. “My feelings are what made me scared. I don’t talk about my feelings regardless... let alone feelings for a guy,” he tried to explain to him. “Please tell me you get what I’m saying..” Shea didn’t want to say those dumb words about ‘its not you, it’s me.’ The sad fact of it was, it was true.

Jace Jace raised a brow. He got what he was saying loud and clear. But it still didn't invalidate what he was saying either. "Yeah, that you struggle with feelings. I get that completely." He shrugged. "Just wish you would've said that versus hiding the fact...or better yet, having to be drunk so that I could know how you felt. But i mean it makes sense, i don't know. Just bothers me."

Shea. Shea sighed lightly, looking down at his feet for a moment. Then raised his head again, pushing the hair from his face. “Yeah... I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” he said. “I’m going to work I’m getting sober again, I promise.”

Jace “that’s what I like to hear” he smiled, taking a bite. “I am rooting for you shea.”

Shea. He flashed a very small half smile before he moved from the door, getting himself a piece of pizza.

Jace “oh now you move!” He laughed, taking a seat and trying to enjoy his pizza. “But after this i really gotta get back to my room.”

Shea. He took a bite and sat in one of the chairs next to the table. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “As long as you don’t go back mad at me again.”

Jace “I won’t.” He smiled, enjoying his pizza.

#sm&*#jace

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badchoicesposts · 5 years ago

Text

Don’t Dream It’s Over Chapter 23

Series Summary: Liam and Ali thought that their relationship was perfect, but their whole world came crashing down when Constantine called him back to Cordonia. Four years later they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party, determined to make things between them work even if it isn’t always easy.

In this AU, Liam and MC (Ali Moonessar) dated for a year in New York while Leo was still crown prince. They broke up when Constantine asked Liam to come back to Cordonia, but they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party before the social season. The story will contain flashbacks, which will be italicized, of their relationship and follow them as they try to navigate the season with Ali as a suitor. I’ve messed around with the timeline a bit so that it fits the story better. I’ve also added in a few OCs of my own.

Pairing: Liam x MC (Ali Moonessar)

DISCLAIMER: I’ve changed up the timeline of the social season a bit to fit my story better. I’ve based it off of some research I did on the British Social Season.

Taglist: @flowerpowell, @ao719, @kingliam2019, @emceesynonymroll, @hopefulmoonobject, @dcbbw, @qammh-blog, @liamxs-world, @drakesensworld, @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction, @lauradowning29, @texaskitten30, @senseofduties, @alexintheskyy, @jared2612, @lodberg

A/N: This is the first fic I’ve ever written. Please let me know if you enjoyed it and would like to read more. I thrive on validation, lol. Thanks for reading!

Catch Up: Masterlist

Ali felt great. The sugary cocktail she had with dinner was definitely making her feel amazing. She swung her hips to the music that was playing through the speakers of Liam’s living room, aware of the man’s gaze on her back. She listened intently to the music, waiting for her cue.

“I get wings to fly

Oh, oh....I'm alive”

She belted out the words, her voice mixing in with Celine Dion’s as she turned dramatically on her heels to face her boyfriend. Liam bit back a laugh, staring at her fondly as she continued to serenade him.

“When you call on me”

She followed this line by pointing aggressively in his direction.

“When I hear you breathe

I get wings to fly

I feel that I'm alive”

She continued to sing and dance, her voice becoming more off key the louder she got.

“Liam! Sing with me!” she said, lunging towards him and grabbing his hands in hers.

She pulled him up to his feet, losing balance herself for a moment before he straightened them both up.

“I’m not sure you want that, love,” he responded, smiling happily down at her.

“Please?” she begged, pushing herself up onto her toes to gently peck his lips.

Liam looked around sheepishly for a moment as if to make sure no one was around before giving her a mischievous smile.

“You've set my heart on fire

Filled me with love

Made me a woman on clouds above”

“What are the two of you doing?” Drake asked.

Neither of them had realized that he was home, but he had obviously just come out of his room and was looking at them like they were crazy.

“Having fun,” Ali responded as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“And singing completely off key is fun?”

“Extremely,” Liam replied calmly.

“Liam, harmonize with me. You go high, I’ll go low,” Ali said, preparing herself for the upcoming chorus.

“And it's only begun

I can't wait for the

Rest of my life”

They sang together, Liam’s voice cracking as he tried to carry out the word “life” in a high note.

“You guys are ridiculous,” Drake mumbled.

~~~

“Do you think Bertrand’s head is going to explode when he finds out about Savannah and the baby?” Ali asked, smoothing down her dress as she waited to enter the ballroom beside Liam.

“Mine almost did,” Liam responded, straightening his tie. At least now Maxwell’s knowledge of prenatal yoga made sense.

“Do you think Drake’s going to be okay?

“I think Drake’s stubborn and hurt. He’ll be okay, but he’ll need some time. He’ll probably be angry with the Beaumonts for a while,” he said, reaching up to fix the tiara on her head.

It was Ali’s first time wearing a tiara, and it was completely odd to her. The weight on her head wasn’t unpleasant, but it was definitely something she would need to get accustomed to.

She grabbed onto Liam’s arms and pulled him in for a gentle kiss, thankful for smudge proof lipstick.

“I’m nervous,” she confessed, her eyes darting towards the closed ballroom doors. “Actually nervous is an understatement. I’m terrified.”

After announcing their marriage, the two had been met with a certain lack of support. People were shocked, assuming that they had only done so because of the pregnancy and that they were irresponsible and incapable of properly leading because of their rash decision. Ali couldn’t even deny that they were partially right. Their marriage was rushed because of the pregnancy. A part of her felt guilty for the way people were beginning to view Liam’s potential as a leader.

She couldn’t even be mad about the negative reactions that they received. From the outside looking in, they seemed reckless. She was an American with no noble blood in her at all. She wasn’t born into this life or trained for it, and scandals seemed to be the only thing she was good for. If she had seen the future leaders of her country act in the same way she and Liam had, she would have doubted their abilities to lead as well. That was probably the toughest part of it all. Their concerns were completely warranted.

Liam reached down and squeezed her hand in his. She could tell that the entire situation had been taking a toll on him. He refused to admit it, though, and that worried her. Learning of Constantine’s betrayal and illness had done little to help the situation. He was torn between hating his father for his interference in their relationship and wanting to spend as much time with him as possible now that he knew he was dying. She could see him getting more and more worn down and dejected as the days moved on, but she didn’t know how to fix everything, and that killed her inside. It didn’t help that her emotions had been all over the place, and that the littlest things had been triggering her recently. She had been snapping at him more recently, leaving both of them frustrated and anxious all of the time.

“Whatever happens, we’ll face it together,” he reassured her.

She desperately wanted his words to make her feel better, but they didn’t.

“It’s time, my love,” he said, checking the time on his watch and returning to his spot next to her.

They both straightened their posture, and Ali took his arm as the doors were thrown open. They made their way around the room, greeting everyone they met with artificial smiles. Although the ball had been planned perfectly down to the napkin selection, there was still an air of discomfort surrounding it all. However, Ali remained dutifully at Liam’s side, making small talk with all of the people she came across.

“My love, this is King Bradshaw and Queen Isabella of Auvernal,” Liam introduced her politely.

Ali had just about reached her limit on pointless conversation with people who obviously didn’t respect her, but she still smiled at the stuffy looking royal couple regardless.

“Lady Alison, we meet at last. We’ve heard rumors of you all the way in Auvernal. Our entire court has been… intrigued by you all season,” said Isabella, who was sporting a small baby bump herself.

Ali wasn’t sure if her words were meant to be taken as a compliment or an insult, but the young queen’s tone of voice made her believe it was the latter.

“It’s a pleasure to meet the both of you,” Ali responded. “I believe congratulations are in order. You’re having twins, correct?”

“We are,” Bradshaw said proudly.

The king beamed at the mention of his unborn children, but Ali had been learning more about body language from Liam, and she noticed the way he tensed every time he looked to his wife.

“I believe we should be offering you congratulations as well given your… situation,” Isabella said.

Ali had to stop herself from outwardly reacting, instead continuing to smile politely.

“Thank you.”

“We were obviously surprised to hear of your marriage, but I applaud your bravery in going through with it in the first place. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to have conceived the heir to the throne out of wedlock! But, even I have to admit that going from a waitress to a duchess and eventually to a queen is quite a success story,” she continued, a judgmental edge to her voice. “Tell me, are you enjoying your new life or do you miss your simpler days?”

At this remark, Ali could see Liam beginning to get uncomfortable as well.

“I am honored to be able to represent Cordonia.”

“Such a diplomatic response. However, you didn’t really answer the question,” Isabella said.

“Regardless of your answer, you definitely know how to throw together a party,” Bradshaw said, swiftly changing the subject.

Once again she wasn’t sure if this was meant to be a compliment or not. She supposed she should be grateful that he changed the subject before she was forced to answer his wife’s demeaning question, but instead she was angry. She was angry at Isabella’s words, and she was angry that Bradshaw reduced all of her hard work to “throwing together a party”. She was so upset that she almost missed the glare Isabella shot in his direction. Almost. Perhaps the King and Queen of Auvernal weren’t as happily married as everyone thought.

“Yes, at least I’m good for something,” she responded snarkily.

“Well, we won’t keep you from the rest of your guests any longer. It was a pleasure meeting you!” Bradshaw said, holding his arm out for his wife and walking away.

He was obviously satisfied with the reaction they had gotten out of her.

“Ali,” Liam began to say her name before she cut him off with a fake smile.

“Oh! Look! There’s Em with Hana and Lizzie. I’m going to go say hi,” she said, dodging him and heading straight for the three women.

“Hey, you did a great job with all of this!” Emma said happily as she approached.

Emma had decided to stay in Cordonia “so she could attend the ball”, but Ali had her suspicions that it was more for the woman whose hand she was currently holding onto. Ali was happy for her and Hana even if they hadn’t put a label on their relationship yet.

“Yeah, great champagne choice,” Lizzie said, raising her glass to her before downing the whole thing in one go.

“Thanks. I’m about one more conversation away from screaming,” she said, angrily running her hand through her hair. “Queen Isabella is a bitch.”

“King Bradshaw isn’t much better,” Lizzie mumbled.

“Is this really my life now? Making small talk with people who hate me? Smiling while people insult me to my face?” she asked tiredly.

“It’ll get easier,” Hana said sympathetically. “Once you’re queen and people see how great you are things’ll get better.”

“And remember the reason you did all of this in the first place was because of how much you love Liam,” Emma said.

“And now you have another little one to love, too,” Lizzie said this while placing a hand gently on Ali’s stomach.

Ali let out a sigh, relaxing visibly.

“Thanks, guys,” she said, pulling the three of them into a group hug.

All of her stress evaporated from her body and for a moment she felt like she could breathe again.

“Lady Alison?” a soft voice came from behind them.

Ali pulled out of the hug and turned to see another woman smiling at her kindly.

“I’m Princess Marguerite of Monaco. It’s nice to finally meet you,” the woman said.

“Princess Marguerite! It’s nice to meet you as well!” Ali responded, putting her persona back up.

“I imagine this could be a bit much for you. Most of us were raised for all of this,” Marguerite began.

Ali inwardly sighed, psyching herself up for this conversation all over again.

“I want you to know, if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, you can ask me anything!”

Ali was taken aback by the kindness in her voice. Marguerite seemed genuinely sincere, and for a moment, Ali wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Thank you,” she whispered, suddenly overcome with emotion.

It was relieving to have someone be so nice for the first time that night.

“Of course! I adore you and Liam. The way you look at each other… I can just tell it’s true love!”

“It is,” Ali responded, smiling widely and resting a hand lovingly on her stomach.

However, the one moment of happiness that she’d had all night was over just as quickly as it came. The voices of two noble ladies conversing nearby filled the air.

“True love? Please, more like social climbing,” a woman with platinum blonde hair said with a scoff.

“I thought Prince Liam had more common sense. I can’t believe he actually married her. He should have chosen Madeleine. If it came down to it, I would have even taken Penelope over her,” her companion replied.

Ali was both offended for herself and for Penelope.

“He probably only did it because of the baby. I can’t see him being with her for any other reason. There’s not much to like, is there?” the first woman said, laughing maliciously.

Ali bit down roughly on her lip, and her eyes filled with tears. She saw Marguerite shoot her a sympathetic smile, but the action did very little to comfort her.

“He can’t possibly believe it’s actually his,” the second responded, scandalized. “Oh, he’s going to be so heart broken when it comes out looking like his best friend.”

“Can we even be sure it’s Drake Walker’s either? I wouldn’t be surprised if she was sleeping with half the men at court. She seems like the type.”

The two women dissolved into a fit of laughter, both completely aware that Ali and Marguerite had heard their conversation, but neither one of them caring.

“That’s hilarious coming from you, Beatrice,” Olivia’s loud voice broke through their giggles. “Tell me, does Lady Antionette know that you spend every weekend in her husband’s bed?”

Lady Beatrice, the woman with the blonde hair, opened and closed her mouth furiously, desperately trying to find a comeback, while her companion, Lady Antionette, was looking at her friend in shock and anger.

“Maybe you should take a look in the mirror before you start criticizing someone else,” Olivia concluded, a victorious smirk on her face.

Ali shot her a grateful smile and quietly slipped away, Beatrice and Antionette’s newly started argument fading into the background. She kept her head down as she tried to find her way out of the ballroom undetected, desperate to make it outside before she broke down in tears. She broke into a run once she had made it safely outside, not stopping until she reached the gardens Liam’s mother had commissioned all those years ago. She collapsed on a bench and began sobbing freely, pushing her glasses up to rest on the top of her head as she angrily wiped her eyes.

Only moments after, she felt a presence nearby, and someone took a seat cautiously on the bench next to her.

“There, there,” Bertrand tried to say in a soothing tone as he awkwardly patted her shoulder.

Despite herself, Ali couldn’t help the amusement she felt at his actions.

“D-did you just p-pat my shoulder and say ‘there there’?” she choked out, an odd chuckle escaping her throat.

Bertrand sat stiffly beside her and cleared his throat.

“You seemed to be in need of comfort,” he said, obviously unsettled by the situation.

Ali smiled sadly.

“Well, thank you,” she said, wiping her eyes and resting her head against his shoulder.

Bertrand’s body stiffened initially, but after a moment he relaxed again. The two sat quietly for a moment, Ali’s occasional sniffles were the only sounds filling the air.

“Have you spoken to Savannah yet?” she asked quietly.

Bertrand cleared his throat again.

“Briefly.”

“Briefly? That’s all you’re going to say?” she asked, raising her head up to look at him.

“I was surprised to learn of her reasons for leaving,” he continued.

Ali remained silent for a moment, expecting him to go on. However, he simply sat there quietly, as if the conversation were over.

“And… you’re okay?” she prompted.

Bertrand still remained quiet, but he began fiddling with his cufflinks.

“I’m gonna take that as a no.”

“I’m a father,” he said in shock.

“Yeah, you are, and you should talk to Savannah about that.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to. Look, I don’t know what happened between the two of you or how you feel about each other, but it’s not just about you guys anymore. You need to think about your son. Do you really want to be an absentee father?”

“No,” he replied sadly.

This was the first time Ali had ever seen Bertrand actually show any kind of strong emotion that didn’t revolve around court or preserving House Beaumont.

The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted their moment. They both turned to see Drake standing nearby.

“Liam’s looking for you,” Drake said, his voice was harsh as he glared at Bertrand, but Ali knew that he was directing the comment at her.

She got up from her spot on the bench and shot Drake a look telling him to be nice before slowly making her way back to the ballroom. Internally she was battling with taking as long as possible to get back, maybe stopping to take a stroll through the maze, and heading straight to find Liam. She didn’t want to keep him waiting too long, but she also had no desire to go back to the party that was causing her so much stress. Eventually she figured it was better to bite the bullet and get it over with, trying to make herself look pleasant as she reentered the room and scanned the area for Liam.

The man spotted her immediately and walked over to her, not noticing her foul mood until he had already pulled her onto the dancefloor.

“What’s troubling you?” he asked, concern filling his voice as he led her in a waltz.

“Nothing,” she tried to say convincingly, plastering a wide and artificial looking smile on her face.

“I can tell that something’s bothering you,” Liam sighed, pulling her closer to him in attempts to comfort her even though he wasn’t sure what was going on. “Please don’t shut me out.”

“Not here,” she finally responded, looking over his shoulder to see Bradshaw and Isabella dancing behind them and another lord and lady right beside them.

Liam pulled her impossibly close, halting their waltz and simply letting their bodies sway together. Ali pushed her face into his shoulder, not caring that their display of affection would be all over the news tomorrow, and needing to feel him close to her. Her eyes filled with tears again, but she desperately tried to hold them back, not wanting to cry in front of the entire court. That would definitely make the news. She sniffled softly and tried to channel the confidence she had felt just a week earlier in Constantine’s office.

The song came to an end, and they separated after a moment. Liam remained by his wife’s side for the rest of the night, the two only parting ways momentarily after the ball when Liam needed to check in with Constantine.

Ali made a quick stop at the kitchens on her way back up to their newly shared suite, snatching an apple for a late night snack. Upon entering their room she promptly stripped out of her gown and jewelry and dropped back onto the bed in her underwear, taking a large bite out of the apple.

Liam looked at her curiously as he entered the room while loosening his bowtie.

“Are you eating a Cordonian Ruby? I thought you hated them.”

“I do, but apparently your baby doesn’t,” she grumbled, continuing to munch on the apple.

For the past week, much to her initial displeasure, she had been constantly craving Cordonian Rubies. This was definitely Liam’s child.

Liam smiled as he watched her devour the fruit. He continued to undress with a small but troubled smile on his face before settling down onto the bed beside her. He lay on his side and placed a hand gently on her bare stomach, unsure of how to ask about what was bothering her.

“My love.” “Li.”

They spoke in unison, breaking off into a soft laugh when they realized what they had just done.

“What’s on your mind, love?” Liam asked softly.

Ali struggled with her words for a moment.

“Tonight was… awful. Everyone thinks I’m a joke. To them I’m just a social climbing whore, and they think that our baby isn’t yours,” she said, her voice cracking as she got to the end of her sentence.

The anguish on his face was evident. However, in typical Liam fashion, he began to reason with her.

“I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you, but we both know the truth, love,” he began, gently running his hand up and down her stomach. “I know that this is our child, and I already love them so much. I know that you weren’t using me. I know how we feel about each other.”

Ali sighed angrily, tears streaming down her face as she moved away from his grasp. She was angry and frustrated about how people were treating her, and she was just as upset about how they were treating him. She was tired of him trying to be reasonable when she knew that he was being affected just as much as she was. Liam had a tendency of bottling up his emotions and shutting her out, until he finally snapped. This was exactly what he had done at the beginning of the social season when the rumors about her and Drake had started going around. It was what had led to their misunderstanding in Lythikos.

“Yeah, it’s difficult for me. It’s awful and terrible, and I hate feeling like this, but it’s difficult for you too. Liam, people are just as upset with you as they are with me. I know you’ve seen the things they’ve said about you, and I know it’s been bothering you!”

He remained silent after her sudden outburst, turning to lay on his back as he stared up at the ceiling. Ali deflated at his silence, feeling guilty for taking her frustrations out on him.

“I’m sorry for losing it like that. I’m just worried about you. I’m worried about us. Everyone loved you and believed in you before I came along. I can see how upset you’ve been recently, and I hate that. I hate that I can’t make all of this stop, that I can’t fix things for you. I feel like this is all my fault, and I don’t want to you to end up resenting me for it,” she confessed, nervously tugging at her bra strap.

“You’re right. It has been bothering me. But, I don’t blame you for this. We both chose to have sex the night of the bachelor party. The way things worked out haven’t been… ideal, but what’s done is done. I love you. I love our child, and that’s all that matters,” he said, turning back to her.

“But, it’s not all that matters. Li, we have a whole country to worry about too. So many things are changing right now, for the both of us, and we haven’t been handling it well. I hate arguing with you, and I’m so sorry that I’ve been so snappy recently, but there’s just so much going on,” she continued. “I love you so much, but I’m scared that if we continue on the way that we are we’ll just constantly be at each other’s throats by the time the baby comes and this beautiful thing that we’re supposed to love with all of our hearts will end up getting hurt because of it.”

“What do you think we should do?” he asked, his tone both sincere and worried at the same time.

“I-I think we should talk to someone,” she said nervously, resting a hand on his bare chest.

“Talk to someone?”

“A therapist. I think it could help us. The both of us,” she clarified, keeping her voice strong this time.

Liam seemed unsure of the idea.

“I know that it’s a big decision to make, especially since you’ve never done it before, and I don’t want to force you into it. But, I think we could benefit from a few sessions together and maybe a few solo ones too.”

Liam rested his hand on top of hers and took a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“If you truly think that it’ll help, then I’m willing to give it a try,” he said, smiling softly.

Ali laid down next to him, cuddling close to his chest.

“Thank you,” she whispered, as he kissed the top of her head lovingly

#the royal romance #the royal heir #trr #trh #liam x mc #liam #king liam #my fics #playchoices #playchoices fics #choices fics #choices

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michelles-garden-of-evil · 5 years ago

Text

Episode 25 Review: The No-No Generation

{ YouTube: 1 | 2 }

{ Full Synopses/Recaps: Debby Graham | Bryan Gruszka }

{ Screencaps }

Welcome back to my Garden of Evil, where I analyze and snark on Strange Paradise for fun and...well, just fun, really. This week, we will conclude our deep dive into Week 5 with a review of Friday’s episode, in which THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES continues his seduction of Elizabeth Marshall while inside the body of Jean Paul Desmond.

Night on Maljardin. As Jean Paul drinks in the Great Hall and lightning flashes outside, Raxl draws tarot cards in the Not-So-Hidden Temple of the Serpent.

Here are the cards that she pulls, flipped upside-down to show them from her perspective:

We know from previous episodes that the Knight of Coins/Pentacles is Dan and the Queen of Cups represents one of the women on Maljardin (Matt believes it to be Holly, but he could be wrong). We have also seen the King of Wands used to represent Jean Paul before, but King of Cups arguably fits him better because his constant wallowing in self-pity is a negative water/cups trait. The Queen of Wands represents a woman who plays a supporting, managerial role (sounds like Alison). The Page of Coins is a young person who is observing and learning how to make it in the world (could be Tim or Holly).

The rest probably don't represent specific characters, but instead relate to the situation. The Justice card means exactly what its name implies. Ten of Wands "represents an all-out effort, an obsessive commitment to a task which demands everything you've got.” The Seven of Wands normally refers to a situation where confrontation and daring are necessary, but it is reversed here, suggesting failure, defeat, and even scandal; this seems to imply that Jean Paul will be defeated and/or that his activities on Maljardin will cause the scandal that he fears. The Eight of Coins is about workaholism and may have to do with anyone currently working on Maljardin (Raxl, Quito, Alison, Tim, or Matt).

The Five of Cups is an interesting card: it might refer to the impending losses on Maljardin or to any variety of negative emotions, but it is also associated with "Inheritance, suggesting the cross-generational legacy of such tragedies." This reminds me of the parallels between the events so far and what we know of the Maljardin of the 17th century: the deaths of Jean Paul's and Jacques' wives, the seduction of their wives' sisters, the priestess resembling Elizabeth who sacrifices Holly in her dream. In early Maljardin and in the Lost Episodes, Ian Martin consistently drew parallels between the events of 1689 and 1969, so the intended meaning of "cross-generational legacy" seems highly likely.

Also, for those of you wondering, Vangie’s tarot cards in the next scene appear to be the same, just arranged in a different spread. I say “appear” because it’s hard to tell with the lighting and video quality if they are the same cards, although logically they should be.

"If my father's gift is strong in me and if the Great Serpent so wills it," she prays, "may I be lifted to the ancient temple to help in the fight against evil." She lies down in her bed to attempt to teleport herself there and we cut back to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, Jean Paul argues with Jacques. Their dialogue somehow sounds even more forced than Jacques’ line about the time clock two episodes ago:

Jacques: "You're very quiet tonight, but not Mother Nature. I wonder what's disturbing her so?" Jean Paul: "Maybe you are. Maybe she's declaring war on all demons." Jacques: "Wooing and warring, a family heritage." [An odd thing to say in this context.] Jean Paul: "I could do without the family heritages and ancestors like you!" [And an equally odd response.] Jacques: "Do without me and you may be doing without yourself. Who knows? You and I could well be one and the same." Jean Paul: "I am NOT a devil!"

Jacques: "Self-declaration, self-incrimination--and don't drink so much. It dulls the senses."

Backacting with the portrait again, I see.

So we get another hint that Jean Paul and Jacques may be the same man, with a very forced-sounding exchange leading up to it that Martin definitely could have written better. Jean Paul gets ready to throw his glass at the portrait (as one does), but can’t because Quito enters with some ice for the next six gin and tonics that he probably originally planned on downing that night.

*Jacques voice* Jean Paul Desmond, has no one ever taught you that people in stone houses shouldn't throw glass? Tsk, tsk…

And now that plan is ruined, too, because Holly comes down the steps and complains to him that she can’t sleep because she keeps having nightmares. (She doesn’t say what about, so I’m going to assume they have to do with either her father or Tarasca again.) Jean Paul offers her some sherry “to sleep and not to dream,” and she responds that the line was one of her father’s favorites from Shakespeare. No, Holly. It’s “to sleep, perchance to dream” not “to sleep and not to dream,” but you were close.

Jean Paul reveals that he, too, couldn’t sleep because of nightmares. “I guess even possessions don’t make a man sleep easy,” Holly replies and, without warning, the portrait disappears and Jacques enters the chat:

Look! The crew actually remembered to remove the portrait this time!

He’s giving her the poison Jean Paul took from the lab!

Holly tells him about how her mother wants to steal her inheritance, and how she intends on taking as much as she can from her in return. (Does that mean you want Jean Paul, too, Holly? Never mind, of course you do.)

Would that be with a W or with a B?

I suspect that Holly wouldn’t know any different.

Meanwhile, on the stairs above, Elizabeth silently observes. But she doesn’t just observe. She observes while wearing a fur-trimmed velvet nightgown and striking a dramatic evil diva pose. As one does.

Wah-wah-WAH-wah-wah...*fade to black*

After the commercial break, Elizabeth overhears Jacques telling Holly that she may learn to love her, because “one who hates can also love.” (Take it from Jacques Eloi des Mondes, murderer and lover extraordinaire.)

“I'm sure my daughter will make an army of fortune-hunters very happy when she does learn,” she, a fortune-hunter herself, interjects. Looking thrilled to see the lovely Tarasca, Jacques welcomes her and offers her a drink:

Jacques: “Some cyanide, perhaps, fresh from the lab?”

Just kidding. It isn’t cyanide; Mrs. Marshall is too much fun for Jacques to kill off, especially this early on. Holly leaves to drink alone in her room and Jacques and Elizabeth get ready to drink to the fact that they’re no longer children, when Holly freaks out over Quito. It turns out he was trying to guard her from the Devil, which amuses dear Jacquet immensely.

You’re so vain, you probably make toasts about you.

After Holly returns to her room, Elizabeth laments the woman “child” Holly become after the death of her father. “Ever since her father died, virtually overnight, she changed from a sweet, shy child into an impossible shrew,” she sneers. “We were really a very happy family before.”

“Holly told me that you did lots of things together, that you traveled a great deal,” says Jacques.

“Yes, of course.” she responds, “Even then, there were signs. The winter before last, she refused to go on vacation with us, wanted to spend Christmas in the cold snow instead of the warm sand. So we went on without her, but, of course, she ruined the trip for us.”

Holly must have had a good reason to stay home in the dreary winter weather rather than go on vacation with her parents; I say that because I, too, am from the north and I, personally, would kill to spend Christmas somewhere warm or at least not snowy. Either that, or Holly is a romantic, holding a sentimentalized view of white Christmases with treetops glistening and children listening to hear sleigh bells in the snow. If that is the case, then...well...I guess it’s nice that she likes snow, because I sure as hell don’t. But really, I’m sure Holly had a damn good reason to avoid Elizabeth.

This is the perfect time to post some photos of Elizabeth’s incredible nightgown. It’s so luxurious, so decadent, so...her.

“How unfortunate,” Jacques responds insincerely.

“Couldn’t we change the topic of conversation from the No-No Generation? I’m very bored with their beads and bells and songs of love.”

The No-No Generation? Now, there’s a name for the Baby Boomers that I’ve never heard elsewhere. Google, too, seems unfamiliar with it: a search for “no-no generation” (with quotes) mostly turns up chemistry papers about nitric oxide. Subtract these and you get only a few more relevant results, one of which is this meme from June 30 of this year. A search for “‘no-no generation’ boomers” yields this cached page mentioning “a vibrant No-No generation in the wake of the 1968 Paris uprising” but that term appears to mostly refer to French rock musicians of the 1960s and 1970s, judging by this other use of the term on the site and this CD listing on another.[1] Considering the dearth of relevant English-language sources using the phrase and considering that Holly isn’t a musician as far as we know, Martin may have come up with the term on his own.

There’s the question of why Elizabeth calls Holly’s generation the “the No-No Generation.” No rules (which, arguably, better describes Generation X)? No interest in the traditions and codes that her and Jean Paul’s generation follow? (Laslo and Irene in the second Desmond Hall arc criticize the Baby Boomers, especially Susan, for that.) No work and no higher education, like the current use of the term in Spain and Brazil? The fact that Holly just didn’t want to go on vacation with her two years earlier? Or, perhaps, all of the above? I’m going to guess all of the above. All the options fit Holly.

So we have learned that Elizabeth disdains Holly’s generation because of their love songs. Even Jacques is taken aback by this, because it implies that she doesn’t believe in love, but she assures him that it’s different because “you and I are old enough to make our own rules.” He gives her a knowing look--as though he knows exactly how old she really is--and places his beringed hand on her shoulder.

That nightgown looks so soft.

Down in the Not-So-Hidden Temple, we pick up right where we left off with Raxl praying to the Serpent for Vangie’s arrival. Before her eyes, the Conjure Woman Chromakeys into the chamber right on top of the Tarot cards, her arms stretching upward:

Weird.

By some miracle, Vangie climbs off the altar without screwing up Raxl’s Tarot spread. But she’s not pleased about arriving on Maljardin where she predicts that she will die, and so she demands to know why Raxl summoned her there. Um, Vangie, don’t you remember earlier in the episode--perhaps minutes before in show time--when you prayed to the Serpent to transport you there? You’re like someone who passes through the turnstile at a metro station, then changes their mind a second later.

While all this is going on, Jacques gleefully drops hint after hint of his true identity:

I’m not sure how much of this is for the audience’s benefit and how much of it is because Jacques thinks everyone else is dumb.

Tarasca: (thinking) “And my name isn’t Elizabeth Marshall.”

We also get this possible shout-out to Dark Shadows:

Back down in the Not-So-Hidden Temple, Vangie helps Raxl interpret the Tarot cards. “Our spirits will be fused through the Tarot cards and the pentagram,” Vangie says. (What was in that tea/potion that Raxl gave her?) Their spirits fused, they try to make sense of the cards’ message:

Raxl: "Do you see what the cards say?" Vangie: "I see two protectors, Matthew Dawson and Dan Forrest."

I assume that the cards she's referencing are the Fool and the Knight of Pentacles, as in previous episodes.

Raxl: *points to Queen of Cups* "But they are not as strong as this one." Vangie: "Who is she?" Raxl: "I cannot tell. Your powers of the cards are much stronger than mine."

They join hands and concentrate on a flame to determine the identity of the Queen of Cups. And then her image appears:

Raxl: "The witch is not..." Vangie: "Yes! The mother of the blonde child, Elizabeth Marshall! Watch her carefully, Raxl. She’s dangerous."

It's odd that Elizabeth of all people should be represented by the upright Queen of Cups, as the descriptions that I’ve read for the card tell of someone with almost the exact opposite personality. According to Tarot.com, this Queen is "a sensitive, vulnerable, omniscient woman who offers unconditional love. She is supremely empathic -- sometimes to a fault. Her caring nature exposes her to everybody else's emotions and needs." Sounds more like Jean Paul’s and Alison’s descriptions of Erica to me, save for the “omniscient” part (which I don’t think is meant to be taken literally).

What’s ironic is that, if the Queen of Cups were reversed, the card would fit Elizabeth well. This page on The Tarot Guide mentions "insecurity, lack of trust…self-centred…smothering, bitter, vengeful, manipulative, spiteful, [and] disloyal” as the reversed Queen’s characteristics. Now that sounds more like the Elizabeth Marshall I know. I suspect that the Queen of Cups was intended to be reversed and its upright position is a blooper.

In the Great Hall, Elizabeth goes to bed and, after some surprisingly not-silly headache faces, Jacques de-possesses Jean Paul. In truth, I’m a little disappointed that he doesn’t clench his teeth or look like he’s about to vomit this time, because I find Colin Fox’s over-the-top headache faces funny. This time, Jean Paul apparently forced him out of his body himself, although how he accomplished this is not explained.

And what exactly did you do, Jean Paul, to force him back into the frame?

Although I know all episodes of this show were rushed to some extent, this one with its abundance of script continuity errors shows more signs of hasty writing than the others. Ironically, they actually remembered to remove Jacques’ portrait from the frame this time when he possesses Jean Paul, which is shocking. Still, despite the rushed-ness of this one, it has provided me with a lot of interesting material to dissect in my deep dive into the bizarre world of Strange Paradise.

Coming up next: Dan and Alison continue their investigation of Erica’s death and Jacques obsesses over a possibly symbolic fish. Also stay tuned for the Bad Subtitle Special for Week 5 next week.

{ <- Previous: Episode 24 || Next: Episode 26 -> }

Notes

[1] In France, the term “Génération non non” more often refers to French Millennials of Middle Eastern and African descent who live in the impoverished suburbs or banlieue of French cities. It was popularized in the 2006 song “La Boulette (Génération nan nan)” by French rapper Diam’s.

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livingmybestfictionallife · 6 years ago

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Girl Across the Street ~2~

Anon Request(s): “Please I beg of you, could you do a Klaus x reader where the reader is the most hard hitting drug for Klaus if that makes sense. Like they are the one thing that keeps Klaus grounded.” | “can you do a klaus x reader where you help klaus through a rough time and he’s crying and you’re just holding him? Maybe it’s when the reader first tells klaus she loves him and klaus is worried at first, then he gets super happy??”

A/N: Girl Across the Street ~2~ takes place on The Day that Was. Girl Across the Street takes place on The Day that Wasn’t. Essentially, Klaus and the reader reconnecting is a fixed point in time.

A night out. That was all she needed: a simple night out to let loose and forget the stressors that had recently risen due to the increase in activity in her neighborhood following the death of Sir Reginald Hargreeves. Ever since the old man’s death was made public, what came to be known to the world as The Umbrella Academy--the home base of the superpowered teenagers who took the world by storm--was swarming with Hargreeves’ adult, adopted children. In and out they went without a second glance at the house across the street. Anytime she would see one of the famous seven enter or leave the home, (Y/N) couldn’t help but remember all of the times in her youth where she had felt so worthless of attention of her peers, after all they were the only other children in the neighborhood. All those times the siblings had chased after each other toward Griddy’s Doughnut Shop, all those times she’d sat in her bedroom window, longingly gazing out, hoping that someday, one of them would see her, all of those long nights of waiting for something that would never come, everything came over her in the course of, at the very most, three days.

It wasn’t that she was waiting for Luther to give her the time of day, or for Allison to invite her over for tea. No, she had never been close with either Luther or Alison, nor anyone else from the Academy really, with the exception of Klaus. He was only ranked by Reginald Hargreeves to be number four--the fourth most useful and important to the overall mission he believed their lives were destined for, but to (Y/N), he was the only “number one.” She and Klaus had more of a history than any two people could have together. They’d seen one another through the ups and downs, the good and bad, and even worse, the ugly. Klaus was there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, comforted her when she was in pain, and even helped carry her home once when she nearly broke her ankle running in the streets playing tag with him as kids. He did this because it was exactly the same thing she would do for him. She was always there: easing him back to sleep when the nightmarish figures woke him, setting up fairy lights in his bedroom so that he wouldn’t have to sleep completely in the dark, and most importantly, the core building blocks of their connection to one another, showing up in a cemetery not far from their homes after being woken in the middle of the night by heart wrenching screams.

She didn’t know it was Klaus. Honestly, she didn’t know what the hell to expect. All she did know was that something was wrong, and it seemed to be like a child was in danger. She followed the tormented screams, and as she grew closer, she recognized how similar they sounded to her newly made friend’s. The only thing she had on her was a bobby pin. Her mother had put her hair up in a nice bun for picture day, and (Y/N) had fallen asleep without taking it down. Luckily, she was a smart and ingenuitive nine year old who had practiced picking the lock on on her parents’ room whenever they had something she was grounded from.

It didn’t take but two seconds of seeing the small boy screaming inside to know it was her friend. “Klaus!” she’d called to him. “It’s me!” His screams of terror ceased and overzealous gratitude overcame him. He’d rushed toward the gated entrance to the mausoleum and, in a panicked manner, reached his arms through the bars to make sure she was real and not another one of the souls tormenting him. It was (Y/N) who saved Klaus from the mausoleum that night, (Y/N) who he stayed with afterward--too afraid to go home and too afraid to confront Reginald after escaping his own person hell--and (Y/N) who he would confide his deepest regrets and sorrows in for the remainder of his life. Or so they thought.

Klaus figured out in his early teen years that substances kept him from utilizing his abilities. He was terrified of death and the dead, even before the night he spent locked in a tomb, and if drugs gave him a solace--a sense of freedom from that burden--then drugs it was. (Y/N) however had seen the adverse effects substance abuse has on people. Her own uncle had his own struggles with abusing prescription pills, and as soon as Klaus started going down that road, she tried everything to bring him back. She was terrified of losing him forever to a world that didn’t allow for any grounded distractions, but regardless of her fears, Klaus fell hard.

By the time he was eighteen, he’d been kicked out of the Academy, been in and out of rehab at least twice, and--for someone so terrified of death--seemed to have an apathy toward life. Even though (Y/N) went to college, she didn’t go very far. She managed to continue her education close to her home. Maybe it was in the hopes of Klaus realizing she wasn’t going anywhere, or maybe it was in hopes of bringing him back from a void she didn’t know if he could escape from, but she remained close nonetheless. Despite being close geographically, her and Klaus began to drift emotionally. He always seemed to be going and doing--drugs or people, she didn’t know which--and frankly, she knew it would break her heart if she did. On some level, Klaus did too. He refused to let himself hurt the only person who had never hurt him. She did nothing to deserve the heartache and worry that came with being friends with Klaus Hargreeves in his adult life, and he made sure that she would never have to endure that pain--or he tried to. He didn’t know anyone else who had shown such an unconditional detail for care and affection, a person who even if everything had gone to shit would still be by his side, and so he made (Y/N) his emergency contact. Sure this put himself in some awkward situations such as prison phone calls and hospital visits, but he at least got to see her reassuring face again--even if it was covered up with the biggest fake-ass smile he knew she could muster.

(Y/N) hated night clubs, but she needed to go somewhere so completely unnatural for her to be in order to shake the feeling of regret from her soul. She needed to be somewhere that she felt so incredibly uncomfortable that she had no other option but to be forced into focusing on adapting rather than the pain she held in her heart that was ignited the first time she saw the tall man she’d known as a child traipse into the Academy two days ago. All in all, her experience at the beginning of the night wasn’t too bad. She’d gotten herself a few drinks, received a few more from drunks hoping to hit on her, was saved by a few kind girls watching the unwanted attention escalate, bought them a round, and then continued to drink. It was a regular night out until a familiar face stumbled past her in a haze, searching for the tallest surface in the club.

“What the fuck?” she had asked herself as she tried to focus on the six-foot-four man tripping over his own feet and knocking over a couples’ drinks. “Sorry about that,” (Y/N) had hurried to apologize to the young couple while following after the man she could only assume grew up to be Luther Hargreeves.

She hadn’t seen or heard of him since the press announced he would be traveling to he moon to collect samples to determine the possibility for habitation, but in all honesty, Luther never gave her much attention even as children. When (Y/N) did join the others at Griddy’s, she always bonded with Klaus--her best friend, and Five--her intellectual equal. She’d felt Allison didn’t want her presence to be a constant thing and always maintained a close radius to Luther whenever (Y/N) did show, Vanya was always kind to her, but the others never really interacted with her much other than to include her in group conversation topics, Ben was painfully shy and apprehensive about meeting new people--which Klaus explained was because he didn’t have full control over his powers and was afraid of hurting innocent people--and Diego didn’t like putting himself in new situations as a kid. Before they became teens and even pre-teens, Diego’s stutter impaired his confidence levels, so he didn’t like having to feel different to new people.

(Y/N) followed the man toward the bar where someone approached him, took his hand in his, and slipped something off in that single handshake. Once catching up to him, she grabbed his arm in her hand--only managing to wrap her fingers partially around his wrist--before turning him around and forcing him to look at her. “Luther?” she demanded.

“Neighbor girl!” he slurred while swaying his weight back and forth in an attempt to remain balanced.

“(Y/N),” she corrected him dryly.

“Hey, neighbor girl, did my brother follow me?” Luther asked while crouching down to her level and attempting to whisper. His voice was still heavy, but in a slightly lower tone, and his break reeked of Mai Thais and Pina Coladas.

“How should I know?” she asked while trying to ensure the drunk man before her wouldn’t wander off. “You’ve got four.”

“That one!! Four,” Luther stammered while his drunk and displaced self began to bounce energetically to the music.

“Klaus? How would I know if Klaus followed you?” She’d left her home to come to a place she would have to leave her concerns for Klaus behind, to focus on anything but that damned soul that marked hers, and here was his goody-two-shoes brother, drunk off his ass, high as a kite, bringing up Klaus.

“You two...you know,” he said in an empty tone before folding his lips over and pointing to his crotch, all while smirking in an attempt to hide his laugh. (Y/N) rolled her eyes and started to walk away, only to hear Luther boom out to her “Neighbor girl, don’t leave!” (Y/N) was past the part in her life that she felt she needed to be accepted by everyone, and so she continued walking. Sometimes walking away is the best for us, she reminded herself as she reached the entrance of the club.

A blink. Everything happened in the single blink she tried to take to push away the dreadful feeling of unimportance, of abandonment. A shoulder came bearing down into her arm as someone stumbled from being shoved into the club. She grasped her arm as a dull pain began to ignite the fire in her core and the anger began to seep from her.

“Look, I’ve already had a shit night so back up!” she snapped at the poor, unassuming individual before her. He was bent over holding his hands palms up in an apologetic motion. Once (Y/N) caught a glimpse at the man’s gesture, she knew she had made a mistake. Tattoos lined his palms: the right reading ‘hello’ and the left reading ‘good bye.’ Klaus had gotten those exact tattoos sometime in their youth before he was kicked out of the Academy. (Y/N) had always wondered why he had them or why he would want them. He always said some Klaus-like shit about him basically being a human Ouiji board and laughed it off, but (Y/N) always suspected Reginald had them put on his son, just like he put the umbrella on all of his children.

“(Y/N)?” Klaus asked while taking in the woman’s appearance. (Y/N) wasn’t really one for dresses and girly clothes. She preferred darker colors, black, layered outfits, and denim jackets. Even now, after all the years between their genuine interactions with one another, that rang true. Her legs fell like graceful waterfalls of dark denim, her torso was covered with a black crop-top, and her hair was as he remembered it--naturally unkempt. She’d always complained about not being able to do her hair and so she normally would only brush it or put it half-up to make it look as if she was trying. Klaus had never cared. He didn’t look for arbitrary things such as the time it takes to get ready in the morning, rather he cared about the soul behind the fleshy exterior.

“Klaus,” she sighed in an almost disappointed voice that he quickly noticed. As much as she wanted to run, she couldn’t. She was wanting this to happen somehow--maybe like it had when they were kids: he would notice her in the empty house and come in to reconnect--but in the middle of a rave as she desperately wanted to go home was not how she pictured it. She tried to offer a soft smile to him before turning toward the exit again.

Don’t let her leave, Klaus heard over his shoulder as Ben loomed, overlooking their interaction.

“She hates me. After what I did, she deserves to,” Klaus said as if he were talking to anyone standing in front of him.

You know you need her help. Don’t let her leave, Ben repeated. Klaus had to admit that Ben’s Jimminy Cricket moments were beginning to aggravate the shit out of him, but he trusted Ben’s judgement rather than his own, especially as his withdrawals began to escalate at the quick availability of drugs surrounding him.

“(Y/N) wait,” he called out to her and gently grabbed her fingers in his hand.

It wasn’t the first time Klaus had held someone’s hand, nor was it the first time he’d fallen asleep and woken up in someone else’s bed, but it was the first time he’d held someone who cared for him, the first time he’d woken up next to someone knowing he wouldn’t have to be rushed away and forgotten about. It was the first time he’d been with someone in any sense of intimacy that wasn’t related to sex--the first time he knew he could be intimate with a person without having to rush into sex. Her hands weren’t soft or delicate. They were cold, calloused, and dry, and it only made him want to hold them longer--to warm them and show (Y/N) how thankful he was to have her in his life.

They were only seventeen and each of them had their own demons to wrestle. Klaus was coping with his, despite how unhealthy it was, and how much it hurt (Y/N), but hers were only being amplified each time she saw him. He was laying with one arm tucked beneath her and the other draped across her stomach, tracing light patterns on her lower ribs. His head was curled up between her arm and her chest, and she rested her cheek against his gently as their legs remained draped over the other’s. For once he was peaceful, feeling her heart beat beneath his cheek, seeing the rise and fall motion of her body, listening to the soft murmur her breaths made. Everything that eased him were signs of life, signs of a life he wanted to keep with him forever, signs of a life he was slowly destroying.

The second he thought of the possibility of losing (Y/N), Klaus untangled himself from her and leaned over to search the pants he had thrown to the floor the day before; sure he enjoyed the ability of being intimate with someone--knowing their heart as if it was your own and giving yours to them to mould as well--but he also loved the physical release, the animal magnetism, and the intimacy of sharing the physical and worldly insecurities with one another as well. (Y/N) was the perfect person for him: caring, compassionate, and patient, yet firm, dedicated, and unyielding. He needed a gentle stability that wasn’t going to put up with his bullshit but would also see when he masked his pain in humor, and he had found that in (Y/N), the girl across the street. He was terrified of losing her, of not being enough, or being too much, of losing her interest, of everything that could possibly happen to keep him from maintaining the state of bliss she had helped him achieve. When she was around, he was safe. When she was around, the voices were gone. When he contemplated his life without her, they attacked.

He slipped his hands inside the pockets of his pants and grabbed a lighter and a joint.

“Really, Klaus?” (Y/N) sighed as she watching him hold the joint in his mouth and light it. “What is it this time?” she tried to mask her disappointment with concern.

“N-nothing,” he said through breaths.

“If nothing is wrong, am I not enough?” she questioned. She had sat on that monstrosity of guilt for too long and supposed it came out in her concern. She could see his eyebrows furrow in confusion and hoped he wasn’t already high.

“You? Not enough?” he asked with shock. “Of the two of us, you’re concerned with not being enough?”

“I’m new to this,” she said softly while trying to ignore the slight scoff she thought she heard in his voice. “You-you’re not. I’m sure there are so many other people you could be with, who could make you happy, who you may rather be with than me.”

“(Y/N),” Klaus tried to interrupt her, only to have her continue to talk over him.

“I’m not afraid of you, or your powers, or your family, or your father. I’m afraid of not being the person you need or deserve. I’m afraid of someone else coming along and you needing them more than me. I’m not saying that would ever happen, I’m just concerned that...that I love you more than you can love me.”

Looking at the woman whose hand he had in his, he couldn’t help remembering that night, the last perfect night of bliss before (Y/N) left for school, before Klaus was kicked out of the Academy and fell even further into his addiction. It was the first time any living person had said the words ‘I love you’ to him, and it was in concern that he couldn’t feel the same to her. He knew it was a dangerous game, stringing (Y/N)--gently, kind (Y/N)--along for the wild ride of a life he had, so he tried his hardest to forget, and for years, she only existed as a ghost in passing--bailing him out and coming to his aid in hospitals. That was his fault. Not hers. To be truthful, he was terrified of returning to the academy because he feared it would require him to face her, something he knew would be impossible to do. He knew he had crushed her when he abandoned the city and disappeared from her life. There was no reason she would want to speak to him again. Regardless, he knew only one kind of selfless love, and it was her.

“Have you seen Luther?” Klaus yelled over the roar of the rave while Ben scanned the crowd, trying to keep Klaus from noticing he was eavesdropping.

“I left him over there,” (Y/N) said and pointed toward a large gathering in a general direction. Klaus latched onto (Y/N)’s hand even stronger and started walking toward his brother with Ben beside him. It wasn’t until he reached his brother that he realized how tightly he was holding onto her. All too quickly he dropped her hand and pulled his back to his side. The second his hand left hers, the pounding music and flashing lights became unbearable remembrances of rapid fire and helicopters. Klaus’s hands flew to his ears as he looked forward, scouring the rave for his brother.

(Y/N) had pretended not to notice at first that Klaus was sweaty and shaking, that his hair was a mess, his body looked pained, and that he was talking to himself again. As kids she knew that Klaus talking to himself was a good thing, it meant he was sober and saw someone he remembered. For a while, it was his biological mother, but when he started taking drugs, her spirit was gone. (Y/N) remembered when Ben died. The sweet, shy kid who never wanted anything he was forced into in life, was the one in whom Klaus had always placed his trust. If she had to guess, it was Ben he was speaking to now. He wouldn’t talk to a spirit he didn’t know or feel comfortable with, and as far as she knew, Ben would be the only person he cared about that was gone.

“Oh shit,” Klaus gasped just as (Y/N) was about to ask about Ben. He stopped in his tracks and stared at the sight before him. Luther was gathered, shirtless, in a large group of people. I suppose it could have been an interesting sight, had it not been for the mutation that seemed to be overcoming his torso.

“What the hell is that?” (Y/N) asked Klaus to no avail. He had already started pacing through the crowd toward his brother.

“Luther!” he yelled.

“Brother!” the large behemoth of a man called and jumped down to wrap Klaus in a bear hug. “Neighbor girl was here!” he called out again. “Didn’t you two used to--“

“Okay,” Klaus cut him off, “that’s enough. We need to get you home!” (Y/N) could see Klaus was struggling to push past the sensation overload and convince Luther he needed to leave with him.

“This is my home!” Luther shouted back at him over the noise with a slightly bitter tone. “Oh, hi Neighbor girl,” Luther said while peeking at (Y/N) where she stood behind Klaus. “Here’s my brother! The one you used to--”

“Date? Have sex with? Yeah, I know. I remember.” (Y/N) said over the obvious tension between the three of them.

“Hey, have you ever had one of these?” Luther asked Klaus while his eyes stared at the small pink pill in his hand.

“Yeah,” Klaus said in a broken and disappointed tone.

“I’ve never felt so alive!” he screamed. It only took Klaus a second to snatch the pill from his brother’s hand and throw it across the club. “What did you do that for?!” Luther yelled.

“I have no idea!” Klaus’s frustrated grumble echoed against the walls of (Y/N)’s heart. Immediately, he became overcome by the pressure of being sober--having to be responsible, watching those around him be in the state of mind he wanted so much to lose himself into--and as his fingers slowly stretched up to his temples, he’d made the decision to relapse.

Come on, Klaus. You can do this! Stay strong. Don’t give into temptation, Ben’s voice echoed in his head as he pressed his fingertips against his temples in an attempt to hold away the pounding of the music.

“Klaus,” (Y/N) called out to him. “Please.” Her soft voice was barely audible over the commotion of the rave. He refused to look at her, refused to even acknowledge she was with him, as he took a few broken and stuttering steps toward a pillar near the center of the room. His head was filled with the whistling sounds of airstrikes and gunfire, and he quickly realized that no matter how hard he pressed against his ears, there was no way to silence the noises in his mind. Hopeless, he dropped himself to the ground and held his hands over his hears and his knees to his chest. His body was still shaking and sweaty from withdrawals, even with his eyes shut so tightly, tears slipped free and stained his cheeks, and a light, shaky sob escaped his chest. Upon opening his eyes, he could see the pill he’d thrown away from Luther and the idea of losing himself in a distracting high became a mission, but only for a moment.

Before Klaus could even move forward from his spot on the floor of the rave, (Y/N) had crouched down in front of him.

“Don’t do it,” she begged him with just one statement.

“You don’t understand,” he tried to push her away, to ignore the fact that someone cared about him. Ben was easy to ignore. He was a spirit, a non-tangible entity. (Y/N) was physical, therefore making her harder to ignore.

“No, Klaus, you don’t understand,” she snapped at him while grabbing his hands as he tried to push her away from him. “I was a fool, to think that there was any other way for you to suppress your powers--any healthier way. I was a fool to think, in any part of our childhood, that you wouldn’t turn toward drugs, but mostly, I was a fool to still love you after the fact!”

Her touch reminded him of the one he’d forgotten so long ago, one where she was both gentle and pointed, where he’d known love and been too afraid to show it. Her touch reminded him of Dave’s, generous and selfless despite Klaus’s selfish tendencies. Kind, beautiful, grounded--that was what Dave was for him, that was what he needed...that was what he had all along.

“I already lost you once, Klaus. I can’t do that again,” she sighed while looking into the green eyes before him reflecting the pink and orange lights around them. “You deserve so much in life Klaus, and I had hoped that if you never found it with me, you’d find it with some other person patient enough to deal with you and your shit, but I can’t sit here and not be a little bit selfish. I don’t want to lose you again. You’re my best friend! I can’t keep wondering every waking moment if you’re alive!”

“(Y/N)--” Klaus tried to say her name to get her to stop talking if only for a moment. He failed. As much as it pained him to see her hurting, and know him trying to save her from his life of chaos was the cause of this pain, he needed to listen, because her words were soothing to him. She and Dave shared something, Klaus was sure of it: an unyielding ability to express love to the unlovable. Each were what Klaus had always needed--one he supposed he always had, it just took the other to see that he was already blessed with someone who valued him and would show him the love he deserved.

“Don’t do this! Don’t,” she said while taking his face in her hands and bringing his eyes to her. “You’re worth more than that.” Klaus was quick to see her intentions were as selfless as Dave’s. All either of them had on their mind was Klaus’s best interests, not what they needed from him, not what they could manipulate him into doing for them, but what was best for him. He didn’t have to do this alone. He didn’t have to be alone.

He remembered the first time (Y/N) had kissed him. It was the first time he’d gotten high around her and the guilt had been eating him alive. She didn’t care that he was a mess, she didn’t care that he was doped up, all she cared about was that her best friend was safe. Unable to stomach the fact that she would hate him forever for what he did, he broke down in tears, only to have her press her lips to his and his heart transform from a tangled web of darkness and regret, to a glowing ball of enlightened joy.

Klaus looked forward at the woman who had always been there for him, took her face in his hands, and pulled her into him. Her chin rested on his shoulder and his arms draped around her waist. He could feel his heart swell with a sense of completion he hadn’t felt since Dave, and realized the mistake he had made all those years ago. He could have been happy, he could have loved and been loved as he deserved, he could have had that with (Y/N), but his own stubborn decision to leave her out of the struggles in his life led him down the wrong path.

“I’m so sorry,” he breathed heavily into her ear. “I should have said it then,” he sighed against her skin, “that I loved you.”

“You didn’t have to,” she said gently. “I knew you did...in your own way.”

“You always knew more about me than I did,” Klaus’s voice trembled slightly at his words, feeling a sense of deja vu as he spoke, but not wanting another moment to go by without the people he cared about knowing that he truly did love them.

“I still do,” she said softly with a smirk as she brought her lips to his cheek and gently rested her hand on the back of his head. It felt as if the world around them didn’t exist. The noise was non problematic, Klaus’s PTSD had faded and his panic was eased as long as (Y/N) was with him. She may not have been part of the Umbrella Academy, but she was definitely a force to be reckoned with, because she was the only person left in this would who could keep up with him, and bring him to reality when his mind was locked in a mausoleum or trudging through the trenches. She was special, and it took him losing someone special to him to know that she was a gift he’d taken for granted. He’d make sure never to make that mistake again.

@multifandom-ramblings @lesbian-with-adhd @ne0n-gh0st @thehanwen @helena-way07

#klaus hargreeves #klaus hargreeves x reader #klaus x reader #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy fanfic #the umbrella academy fanfiction #the umbrella academy klaus #number four #number 4 #the umbrella academy klaus hargreeves #robert sheehan #girl across the street #the day that was

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