#i really wanted it to be us in the end. i really believed we could do it

[lee-laurent]

Together Again - Luke Hughes

Summary: Luke and Tori rekindle their relationship

content: angst, fighting, fluff, lots of fluff, oc x ex!john marino

wc: 3.3k

notes: PART 9! ONE MORE!!! i think the resolution between luke and john is kinda abrupt, but i didn't want to drag it on anymore and i think john would come to his senses. so... also this ends on a conversation that's gonna be the plot of the next part!!

Showing up at Luke's door made her feel like she was in a rom-com. Would've been even better if she was soaked in rain, but... she wasn't. Instead, she was awkwardly standing outside Luke and Jack's apartment, her hand raised to knock when it flew open, revealing a very put-together looking Jack.

"Tori?"

"Jack?"

"Yeah? I live here. What're you doing here? Luke doesn't want to see you."

"Oh, um, he doesn't?"

"No, he--"

"Who're you talking to?" A groggy Luke joined his brother at the door, his sweatpants hanging low on his hips, his hair a mess. "Tori?"

"I was just telling her to go. I--"

"No, no. It's fine, Jack. Come on in," Luke yawned, pushing his older brother out of the way.

"Whatever. I was just leaving anyway," Jack rolled his eyes, shutting the door loudly behind him.

"Where, um, where's he headed?" Tori asked, awkwardly rubbing her arm.

"Huh? Bar, probably. Not sure."

"You're not joining him?"

"Not really in the mood. More focused on the fact that the girl I'm supposed to be on a break from is standing in my apartment."

Tori let out a shaky breath. "I know I probably should've texted first. But... I wanted to tell you in person."

Luke sighed, leaning against the wall, his eyes studying her. "Wanted to tell me what?"

The words came out sharper than he'd intended, and he sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sorry, I just... I don't know what you could possibly have to say to me, Tori."

She stepped closer, her voice barely audible. "Can I start with 'I'm sorry?' Because I am sorry, Luke. I thought that taking a step back, would help things. But I just pushed myself back to John. Which... which isn't where I belong. I belong with you. And I-"

"Yeah? Sleeping with your ex-boyfriend really did wonders for your self-discovery, didn't it?" he bit out, his voice dripping with hurt. "Not the fact that he's your ex for a reason?"

"Luke. Let me finish. I know what I did feels unforgivable. But it really did make me realize that John isn't who I want. He's not who I need. Not even close. And honestly, he never was, even when we were together. It's you, Luke. It's been you for a while now."

Luke looked down at her, his jaw clenched, his hands flexing at his sides as he processed her words. Finally, he murmured, "How am I supposed to believe that? You don't know what's it like... thinking that I wasn't good enough. Like I was just a... a place-holder."

"You were never that to me, Luke," she whispered. "I didn't leave because of you. I left because I was afraid of how much I felt for you and how it was going to affect my family. And I know how backwards that sounds. I know. But I didn't know what to do with it. I thought I'd figure it out and come back to us more... solid. More sure."

"Yeah, well, I didn't need you to be 'more sure,'" he replied, his voice thick. "I just needed you."

Tori's hand reached out, her fingers brushing his bicep. "Luke... I know I messed up. And I'm not asking you to just forget it all. But I'm asking you to hear me. Because walking away from us was the biggest mistake I could've made."

"I just... it made me feel..." He trailed off, struggling with his words, his fingers nervously brushing through his hair.

Tori stepped even closer, until there were only inches between them. "I know. I'm sorry. I thought I needed clarity, but I just need you. Luke, you're where I belong and I'm sorry it took me this long to realize."

He swallowed. "And what if I don't know if I can just... let it go, Tori? I refuse to go through that again."

"Again, I'm not asking you to let it go," her hand found his, removing it from his hair before he made himself go bald. "But I'm asking you to let me try. Let me show you that I want to be here. I know I made a royal mess of things, but I'm willing to put in whatever it takes to make things right. If you'll let me."

Luke's gaze softened as he looked down at their intertwined fingeres, and his thumb began to trace gentle circles on her knuckles. "I've missed you, you know that?"

Tori's heart leapt, but she kept herself steady. "I've missed you too. So much, Luke."

His lips quirked into a faint smile as he looked at her, the distance between them closing even more. "Alright. Maybe we can try again. But this time... no second-guessing, okay?"

She nodded, tears pricking her eyes as relief washed over her. "No second-guessing," she echoed. "I'm all in this time. For real."

And as he pulled her into a tight hug, Tori let the tears finally fall. They were finally starting over--together.

~~

"Are you sure you guys are going to be okay?" Tori asked Ally for the tenth time.

"We're gonna be fine, V. Relax. Go have fun with Luke. Ri-Ri and I are gonna have a blast," her best friend laughed, placing her hands on both of Tori's shoulders. "Breathe."

Tori let out a long breath, closing her eyes as she tried to relax. It wasn't the first time she was leaving Riley with a sitter, especially Ally, but the nerves of going on a date with Luke again were getting to her. Her instincts were kicking in and she felt the need to protect herself and her son.

She took one more deep breath, giving Ally a grateful smile. "Okay... okay. I'm fine. Thanks for helping out."

"You deserve this, Tori. You'll come home, and Ri will be fast asleep."

With one final hug to Riley, who was happily playing Paw Patrol in the corner, Tori headed to meet Luke. Why was she so nervous to see the man she loved? Maybe she was worried about ruining everything again.

When she arrived at the quaint pho restaurant, she spotted Luke right away. He looked more put together than when she'd showed up at his apartment, and he broke into a smile the moment he saw her.

"You made it," he stood up to greet her.

"Almost didn't, but Ally wouldn't let me dip on you."

Luke laughed. "Remind me to thank her." His voice softened as he looked down at her. "I'm glad you're here."

They settled into their seats and Luke gestured to the menu. "This place is a hidden gem."

"It's perfect. I haven't had pho in ages. Eating out with a toddler usually only consists of Chick-fil-A and pasta. So this is a treat."

Tori was worried that the conversation would be awkward, that they'd sit there in silence between topics, but it wasn't. It was just like it was before. The conversation stayed light, talking about Riley, hockey, and funny things they'd seen recently. But as the bowls grew emptier, the conversation grew deeper, more reflective.

"Luke, y'know that I don't take any of this for granted, right? Being here, with you... it's everything to me."

Luke reached across the table, his fingers brushing hers. "I'm glad you feel that way, Tori. Because I don't want half of you. I want all of this--all of you."

"You have all of me, Luke," she whispered. "I'm here."

Luke's smile grew, his eyes warm. "Tori, I don't think I can even put into words how much I missed you... and Riley."

"Riley will be thrilled to see you. He never shuts up about you and hockey."

"Future NHL player."

"Hmm... not sure about that one."

"I'll train him. He'll be skating in no time."

Tori shook her head, failing to hide her smile. "Whatever you say, Luke. Whatever you say."

~~

"Ri-Ri, look who's here," Tori grinned, pulling her son's attention away from his Duplo.

"'Uke!" he screeched, running to the door. He wrapped his arms around Luke's leg, hugging as tight as he could.

Luke chuckled, leaning down to ruffle Riley's curls. "What's up, buddy?" he asked, grinning as Riley clung to him like he'd never let go.

"'Uke! Play 'ego!" Riley said, tugging on Luke's hand, leading him eagerly to the pile of brightly coloured blocks on the carpet.

Luke shot Tori a smile over his shoulder, clearly happy to be back. She couldn't help the warm feeling that spread through her as they interacted. It was a different feeling than the one she got watching John and Riley. She wasn't sure how to explain it, but the feelings were too different to compare.

She settled onto the couch, watching as Luke dove into building towers and playing Bob the Builder with Riley. The two of them fell easily into their rhythm, Luke making exaggerated sound effects that had Riley giggling uncontrollably. Tori had never seen him so at ease with anyone except maybe his dad.

"You've got quite the builder here, Tori," Luke smiled, helping Riley to rebuild Scoop, the yellow digger. "Forget hockey. You've got a future architect."

Tori laughed, loving how natural it was having Luke there. She could picture their life together with Riley--a little family unit. He fit seamlessly into their lives. Why had she ever had doubts about him? Why had she let herself get in her head and sabotage something that clearly made Riley and her happy?

"Should we see how high of a tower we can build, Ri?" Luke whispered, earning a very enthusiastic nod.

"'uper tall!" Riley squeaked, handing Luke another brick. He balanced it easily, but then, with a grin, reached for Riley's nose.

"Boop! Oh no, the nose monster got you!" Luke declared, making Riley shriek. "We better protect our noses!"

Riley threw his hands over his face, giggling as Luke chased him around the room. When he finally caught him, he scooped him up, spinning him in the air as Riley erupted into laughter. Tori had never heard him laugh so hard in his life.

"'Gain! 'Gain!"

Luke raised his eyebrows, pretending to consider it. "Hmm... I don't know. I might be too tired. Unless..." He gave Tori a playful glance. "Unless Mama helps us with our super-duper high tower!"

"'Elp us, Mama! 'Elp us!"

Tori laughed, sliding down next to them, joining in the building with mock-seriousness. "Alright, team. Let's make the tallest tower ever."

They spent the next half-hour building, laughing, and toppling their creation over and over. Eventually Riley snuggled up to Luke, yawning with a sleeply smile, clearly ready for a nap.

"Nap time, Ri?" Tori asked, standing up and brushing off her jeans.

"No 'tank 'oo."

"Wasn't really a question, bubba. It's nap time."

"I don' know," he shrugged, snuggling closer to Luke.

Luke chuckled, looking up at Tori. "Someone's found a new nap spot."

Tori shook her head, smiling as she crouched back down beside them. "This is maybe the second ever time he's not wanted a nap," she teased.

Riley grinned sleepily, his eyeslids drooping. "Nap 'Uke," he mumbled, pressing his face into Luke's shoulder.

"Looks like you've become the favourite... again."

"What can I say? I build a mean tower," Luke said, gently adjusting Riley. "He's a special kid."

"He is," she whispered. "Thanks for being here... with us."

He reached out, giving her hand a loving squeeze. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

~~

Tori was on the phone with John, pacing around the living room while Luke and Riley happily played with his toys on the floor. Luke's laugh echoed through the room as Riley squealed, but her attention was on listening to John's request.

"Look, Tori, I know it's last minute, but I need to switch weekends with Riley. My brother can't come another time, but I'll take Ri next week to make up for it. I promise."

Tori bit her lip, looking at Luke who was obliviously helping Riley with his game. Next weekend was the first free weekend that Luke had and they were planning an outing to the aquarium. Riley hadn't been since he was one and Tori wanted to see if he'd still love it as much as he did then.

"John, next weekend's... kind of important," she said, hoping he'd understand without pushing. "We have plans."

"I get it, Tori, but I wanna spend time with my brother, it'd be hard with--"

"Maybe you should've thought of that before we had a child, John. I--"

"I'm asking you to switch one weekend, Tori. It's not that deep."

After a long pause, Tori sighed. "Fine. We'll work it out."

She ended the call and sat down, watching Riley climb into Luke's lap, his face lit up as he explained the latest addition to his Playmobil pirate-ship. Luke looked up, noticing Tori spacing-out.

"What's up?" he asked, setting Riley on the floor next to him, the toddler still babbling away.

"John needs to switch weekends," Tori said, trying to keep her tone neutral. "I... it would mean Riley would go to his next weekend instead of this one."

Luke's face fell, though he quickly masked it. "Ah, okay. I know you were looking forward to next weekend, but shit happens, V," he said with a small smile, though there was disappointment in his eyes. "It's gonna be fine. I mean, I can cancel shit with Z and Jack this w--"

"You're not cancelling on hanging out with your friend for us. We'll reschedule. I... I want you to be there with us. A little family outing, but you didn't sign up to cancel shit with Jack."

"Tori, I know what I signed up for. And I'm here for both of you. Z and Jack will understand."

"Nope. No way. You're not cancelling. John--"

Luke sighed.

"What?" Tori's brow furrowed.

"Just... sometimes it's hard knowing that because John's in Riley's life... he'll always be in yours too."

"I know it's not ideal, but... you're not a second choice. I promise."

"I know, V. I know. I--"

"Mama! 'Uke! Pirate! Arrr!!! 'Uke, 'oo play now?"

"One second, bud. Just let me finish talking to Mama."

"Everything is gonna be fine, Tori. We'll figure this out. Don't let it stress you out. I love you."

"I love you too, Luke."

"'Uke!"

"I'm coming, Ri! Let's see your pirates!"

Tori sighed, running a hand through her greasy hair. She had been looking forward to John's weekend. She was going to take a nice shower, clean the house, binge some TV and drink a few glasses of wine. Now... she was gonna have to take a babywipe shower and pray she didn't fall asleep in the middle of the day.

~~

Luke was packing up his gear when he noticed John lingering by his stall. It was unusual for them to end up alone together, but everyone else had already cleared out. Luke hesitated, but nodded in John's direction, signaling he was ready for whatever conversation John wanted to start.

John approached, hands tucked in his pockets. "Hey, Luke. Got a minute?"

"Sure," he replied, setting down his bag. He straightened, unsure of where this was going.

John shifted, looking uncomfortable but determined. "I just... I wanted to say that I appreciate how you've been with Riley. He talks about you a lot, and Tori said he's clearly happy when you're around. I can see it too."

"Thanks, John. Means a lot. Riley's a great kid, and I care a lot about him."

John nodded. "Look, I'll admit, it hasn't really been easy watching another guy take on such an important role in my son's life. But it's obvious Riley looks up to you. And I don't want him to feel like he has to choose between us, y'know?"

"Trust me, I don't want that either," Luke said sincerely. "You're his dad. I'm never gonna try to take your place. But I also want to be there... for both of them."

A silence hung between them, a final mutual understanding. Finally, John cleared his throat. "I think as long as we're both on the same page... for good, that's what matters. Riley deserves to have people that care about him. And I see that you really do."

"Absolutely. I'm here for both of them, but I respect your role in his life."

John extended his hand, and Luke firmly grasped it, both of them nodding. This was it. Peace at last. They finally had made peace. And Luke felt a renewed sense of purpose. Riley and Tori were his family. And he'd support and protect them, no matter what.

~~

Tori was scrolling through her phone, her half-eaten bowl of cereal forgotten in front of her. Riley was at John's and she was finally getting a moment to hereslf.

"Hey," Luke said, sliding in the room, looking... oddly calm.

Hey," she placed her phone down. "What's up?"

"I had a chat with John the other day," he began.

Tori swore her heart stopped beating for a second. "Oh?"

"Yeah. It was... it was good. We talked about Riley, about us. And we, uh, we finally seem to be on the same page."

"Wait? Really?" She couldn't believe that John had been so mature about it. "That's amazing, Luke! I'm so happy to hear that."

"I know. It feels good. Like the weight has been lifted off us."

Tori nodded, returning to her cereal. "Thanks for doing that, Lu. For all of us."

"Anytime, V. Anytime."

~~

Luke wasn't used to activities that involved lots and lots of excited children, so he couldn't help but feel a little out of place at the aquarium. He watched as kids ran around, their voices echoing through the dimly lit rooms, poiting at fish and pressing their faces against the glass.

Riley, who was practically vibrating with excitement, darted ahead, running as quickly as his little feet would take him. "'Ook! 'Uke, 'ishies!" he squealed, his face lighting up at the sight of a massive tank full of colourful, tropical fish.

Luke laughed, crouching down beside him. "Ya see that big one over there, Ri? I think it's giving you the stink-eye," he whispered conspiratorially, making Riley giggle. They stayed there, noses pressed to the glass, Riley's hand clutching Luke's while Tori trailed behind, smiling at how perfectly they fit together.

Riley pointed at an orange clownfish. "Nemo!" he declared proudly, looking up at Luke for confirmation.

"Yep, that's Nemo! And what about that one?" he pointed to a tiny, darting blue fish.

"Dowy!"

Tori joined them, her hand brushing Luke's shoulder as she knelt beside them. "Expert fish spotter Riley Marino. I like the sound of that. What about you, Ri-Ri?"

"Wiley Mawino!"

"Yes! That's you!"

They moved through the exhibits, Riley darting between tanks, his awe palpable. Luke and Tori held hands, exchanging smiles as they watched Riley live his best life.

"We should do this more often," Luke suggested, squeezing Tori's hand.

"You think?"

"Duh! This is so much better than sitting around and playing 'chel with Jack all day."

Tori cackled, "Luke!"

"Just telling the truth. Love you, V," he turned, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

"Love you more, Lu."

~~

"You want me to meet your family?" Tori asked, trying to make sure she had heard Luke correctly.

"That's what I said."

"Luke..."

"I know, I know. It's a big step, but I know everyone would love you and Riley. It's a good chance for him to hang with new people."

"Meeting you family is... big. Like life-changing big."

"I know it's a big deal, but I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure. Plus it's just a few days at the lake, nothing intense. My mom will eat up the time with a toddler. I think she's been secretly waiting for a grandchild."

Tori laughed, adjusting the sleeping toddler on her lap. "I... can I have some time to think about it? It'd be our first vacation together and my first time with your family. That's..."

"You've got all the time you need, Tori. Jack, Q, and I spend like most of the summer there, so any weekend that works for you... we'll make it happen."

"Deal."

[hannahluvsbillie]

one more chance?

casual part 4 ; final part

☆彡 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ~ you wake up to billie next to you; the memories of what happened last night flood your mind.

☆ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 ~ billie eilish x reader

☆ 𝐜𝐰 ~ none

ꨄ 𝐚/𝐧 ~ hi guys! this is the final part of casual, i think. thank you all for your support on this series! keep a eye out for new fics here 😉

you wake up to the sound of soft rain pattering on your window, the sound stirring you awake. you open your eyes, and suddenly feel a weight on top of your arm. your eyes widen and it all comes back to you.

last night billie cried in your arms for hours until you finally made her go to sleep. she never even told you what happened. originally you said you’d sleep on the couch, but when billie looked at you with those sad eyes, eyes that looked exhausted, and asked you to hold her, you couldn’t help but give in.

now, you’re regretting that decision. you gave into her, you told yourself you were done with her, you wouldn’t text her or let her into your house anymore- you especially wouldn’t let yourself get in the backseat of her porsche anymore.

you sigh, looking up at the ceiling lost in your thoughts.

suddenly you feel billie move a little, her arm wrapping around your waist and her head nuzzling into the crook of your neck. this is when you give up, you could tell she really needed someone right now, she needed you right now.

you shift a little and cradle her head in your hand, the other hand gently tracing shapes on her back. something about how she’s breathing told you this is the best she’s slept

in awhile.

a few minutes later she stirs, her arm moves from your waist for just a moment to rub her eyes. her face is still a little swollen.

when her eyes open and meet yours, she rests her head on your bicep, sighing.

“hey” she says lowly, her voice still raspy from sleeping. she looks at you like your the world to her, you remember that look, it no longer makes you feel good.

you smile weakly at her, exhaling a breathe that felt like you’ve been holding it forever.

“billie you know this was a bad idea.” you say, biting your lip without thinking.

you hear her swallow, her eyes straying from yours, moving to the wall behind you. “i know, i’m sorry. i just didn’t know what else to do- or who to call. you’re the only one that can handle me like that.” she says, looking away.

you sigh in defeat, rolling over a little and looking at the ceiling above you.

she sits up, moving from your arms. “y/n i know i fucked up okay, but these past few months have been hell without you. i can’t see other people without feeling guilty and i don’t know why.” she says, not looking at you once

you glance over at her, you can tell she’s being honest. billie doesn’t just say that.

“billie you made me feel used and when i told you, you told me i was dramatic.” you say, looking forward. you couldn’t bare to look at her in the eyes.

she sighs, turning to face you. “i realized that, i never once wanted to make you feel used. it’s just- you scare the shit out of me.” she says laughing softly like she can’t believe it, your brows furrow in response.

“it scares me- the way i feel about you, it was supposed to be just a causal fling. but when i wasn’t around you i felt like i was running on autopilot or some shit- the only time i felt alive was when i was with you. and it scared me. i didn’t know how to deal with it- and i didn’t want to ruin what we had” she says, looking over at you. she speaks like she’s been holding it in for months, which she probably has.

you look over at billie, your eyes soften seeing her expression.

“you wouldn’t of ruined what we had…” you speak softly, and she looks up at you

like she can’t believe it. she can’t believe you felt the same way all along.

“y/n im in love with you. i was 3 months ago and i am now.” she speaks, letting out a deep breath at the end of her sentence.

your brows raise, you never thought you’d hear her say those words.

“give me one more chance, please.” she says, looking into your eyes with desperation. you blink a few times, before gently cupping her face and kissing her.

it felt like a thousand fire works were set off, you missed her lips so much. the way they molded together so perfectly, it was like they were meant to be together. the way her hands gripped your waist was gentle. one of her hands go up and tangle in your hair, holding you in place.

you used to kiss and do this all the time- but this felt different, it wasn’t out of lust anymore, just pure love. it was a good kind of different though. it felt a lot better.

she was first to break the kiss, resting her forehead on yours, looking into your eyes. a soft smile lingers on her face. her hands gently brushing through your hair to smooth it out from her hands roaming your hair.

“so.. can i have one more chance?” she says, raising her brows with a little smile.

you take a moment to pretend like you were thinking about it, but you knew the answer already. you knew the answer the minute you blocked her even if you ignored it. you’d give her as many chances as she needed.

“yes.” you say, smiling back at her.

she giggles softly and kisses you again, her hands gripping your hips and pulling you on her lap playfully. small giggles were heard from both of you as you kissed, both you and billie’s hands roamed around the places you missed most.

maybe you’d regret this in the long run, but fuck if it didn’t feel good to be under her grip again.

[symphonyofmars]

There was something I wanted to add as i saw people arguing back and forth (and this might be against my better judgement): but I believe the first post I saw referenced Bell Hooks, and then I later saw someone else say that the use of her quote was bullshit. The quote had to do with being compassionate towards men, and then the person responding said that wasn't what the quote is about (iirc, it's been a few days and my sense of time is not great) but having read The Will to Change (which I believe the quote was taken from), that's exactly what it was about.

[adding a read more because this became much longer than I intended it to be]

The book discusses how the patriarchy hurts not just women, but ALSO men, and how it's so much harder to rehabilitate men from it because: they think they stand something to gain from cramming themselves into the box they're supposed to fit into, and, many of them just have no idea that their life could even be different. That they could be an artist if they want to, they could dance if they want to, they could go into childcare if they want to or grow their hair long or write poetry or paint their nails-- that there are no "boy colors" and "girl colors", that there are no "men's jobs" and "women's jobs", that they could just do what they want because it makes them happy. They don't even know that being happy is more important than filling their sociological niche that someone else has carved out for them. It reminds me when I learned the story of Siddhartha Gautama when I was little, and that he had no idea that poverty, sickness, and suffering even existed because he had never been outside the palace walls and, not that I'm saying every man can achieve nirvana in an afternoon (or even in a lifetime), sometimes someone who knows what's outside the walls has to let you know that there is even something beyond the walls.

Which is also not to say that women need to be doing all the work for men. I spent ten years trying to disabuse a man of the "things he has to do to be manly" and it ended with him breaking up with me and joining a trad christian cult.

Some men (like my ex) are just extremely resistant to change because change is terrifying, but they also have this sense of Sunk Cost Fallacy, where if they were doing this thing the whole time and it's not working, then what were they wasting their time on?? (I feel like you see this with a lot of evangelical/trad Christians as well, where the idea that they might have been wrong is so scary that they double down on their beliefs in the hope that it will work out for them.)

But, there are also men like a book reviewer I was watching a few days ago (whose name I don't know), who admitted that he really had no idea women were catcalled as much as we say we are, until he was grocery shopping with his girlfriend and she went into the next aisle (literally like five feet away, just with the wall of food between them) and he heard a man catcall her. Like, the second she walked away from him and she no longer obviously belonged to him (in the mind of horrible men like her catcaller) she was suddenly fair game to be harassed in public. And he said that he never didn't believe his girlfriend, but to witness something makes it so much more real. To use my "wall" metaphor another way: he and so many men are still inside the palace, experiencing what they think is the same life others experience, while women are outside of the walls, struggling. The incident of hearing his girlfriend (who is an adult women and who shouldn't need him constantly around as protection from horrible men) being treated like an object while she's by herself was like someone grabbing his hand and pulling him outside the walls without even asking if he wanted to go, showing him a truth that can only be experienced by someone who is not him.

Back to Bell Hooks because there was something I wanted to add: yes she does say that it is at least partly the job of feminists to help to deprogram men. Men, as a group, have been brainwashed to think that they have to be The Provider, The Protector, The Leader, and not all of them are good at providing, protecting, or leading. Maybe some of them want to do the things I mentioned before like care for others (in the way we would describe as "maternal" and attribute to women), maybe they want to create art or do crafts or other things not considered "traditionally masculine", and that's not even taking into account that the "traditional idea" of a man is to be constantly wanting sex, and that men could never be sexually assaulted because they're in a constant state of wanting to fuck (obviously this is a lie; anyone can be sexually assaulted, and not everyone wants to fuck). You can't just take a dog who was taught only to fight and put it in a house of children, it won't know how to act around them and might attack them: it needs to be rehabilitated first.

And Bell Hooks does note, that the problem with trying to deprogram men comes from how they're raised. I'd like to submit this video about men and empathy, since I've already typed a bunch:

When I was reading The Will To Change and I got up to the part about her dad, I realized how different my dad is. And, because you don't get to choose your parents, I consider myself very lucky that my dad has always been unconditional in his love. For a moment I almost found this strange because his older brother was the "golden child" and his younger brother was "the baby", so he should have been somewhat neglected because they always got more affection from their parents, but I think it's because he was the favorite of his four girl cousins who would take him everywhere and fight over him (even now, he's the one they're excited to see and they shittalk the other two lol). So, I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason he didn't end up shitty like his brothers, is because when he was a child he had four girls who were showing him what unconditional love was like and that you don't need to meet the criteria of your niche in order to receive love.

Which, I have to thank them for, because it's so much easier not having to decide whether or not I want to talk to my own parents as an adult because they've gone Fox News Insane. Both my parents will actually ask me about things they don't understand - like trans rights, queer rights in general, voting (I made them a paper of who/what to vote for for the election since the props always need extra research), geopolitical things - and I've even caught my dad making fun of conspiracy theorists and the thinking that trans women are ruining sports (he's a big sports guy and he mostly watches women's bball because he likes that they actually have to play as a team in a team sport). Life is a lot easier when both parents have empathy and don't have to be convinced to care about others.

And I think that's why the OG post I saw quoted Bell Hooks, because the "we need to rehabilitate men otherwise we can't have the feminist future we want" contingent of feminism never really took off; there was one-- I believe they were originally called "Meninists" as in "men who are feminists" and I've seen a picture of them from a parade in the 70s, but it died out because they were fighting such an uphill battle trying to convince other men to join. So now, we have more women who are independent and who have de-centered men from their lives, but also a bunch of men who were never rehabbed and who don't know their life doesn't need to revolve around "being a man." Being a man means being strong, it means being able to provide, it means being attractive; and the Tates and Fresh and Fits and all the other scam artists of the world sell them this on steroids: buy my book and you WILL be hot, you WILL be a millionaire, you WILL have women who want to fuck you...

Never mind that those guys are probably on actual steroids, they only have that money from scamming other men, and many of them have been found to hire escorts (which, there's nothing wrong with hiring sex workers, but there's a difference between selling the idea that you'll be so charismatic that women will throw themselves at you and having to hire a sex worker because your personality is so bad that no one wants to go near you.)

They're selling a false ideal to men who don't even know it's false in the first place.

But going back to Ms Hooks again: she did talk a great deal about how we need to raise our boys (as a society). She talks about how the whole thing of telling a nine-year old "Take care of your mother" is an insane notion, because he's nine and he can't do anything, and she's an adult woman who is actually the caretaker; and about how boy babies are treated so differently even to the point of "baby boys should not cry as much as baby girls". Like, the gender requirements are there before they can even talk, no wonder they're so damaged and hard to convince of anything later in life.

Reads with Rachel and her husband, Carlos, had two really good discussions about masculinity; one about real masculinity vs performed masculinity as they compared two books about being a man:

As Rachel says after Carlos complained about being made fun of for cleaning his nails after working on his car ("I work an office job and I have cleanliness standards"): "It's not enough for you to know how to work on a car, you also have to be dirty in order to be the manliest man."

The other is in the context of talking about how Patrick Rothfuss isn't the feminist he thinks he is because he still wants the women around him to perform femininity so he can perform masculinity and feel like "a big strong man" before going into a general discussion about masculinity (from about 9:01 to 53:55):

Together they ask a really good question (pardon me if I don't remember it verbatim): "Why does it take someone acting in a particular role for you to feel like a man?" And it's easier for Carlos to be able to deal with that question, because he started deconstructing from the patriarchy when he was 25 (he said he's 32 at the time of that video). It's something he and Rachel have done together as they learn and grow and live their lives together, him deconstructing from the patriarchy and her deconstructing from her fundamentalist christian upbringing (which is basically just The Patriarchy, but More, and +God.) And they've done this because they came to realize their upbringing was wrong, and they didn't want to raise their sons to be saddled with the same baggage that they both grew up with that made their lives worse.

So yeah, I forgot where I was going with this anymore since finding the one video took so long. The majority of men are resistant to changing their mind and it's because they were raised to be unemotional and not care about others but, sometimes, if maybe you've been friends with someone a while and take the time to explain something in a way they understand, you can change someone's mind. Story time:

I was a mod for a streamer for about a month and a half roundabouts January to February of this year (I ended up leaving because trying to get a bunch of randos to behave was stressful - esp since the streamer's rules weren't clear - and I ended up not really liking the streamer as a person). One person in the discord said that they hated the phrase "It's not my job to educate you" because it was condescending. I defended it as people being tired of having to explain shit to people just because they're black or trans or a woman but a bunch of people latched on and started saying anti-left things, which was weird because the streamer and his discord were supposed to be leftist (it's part of why I left, he was just weirdly antagonistic towards leftist ideals despite calling himself a leftist and he was attracting some *ahem* weird types). Anyway, a day goes by and a trans person comes in and says something like "I don't think I should have to explain my existence to random people on the street just because I decided to go outside," and a bunch of people descended on them, telling them they were wrong, and I'm pretty sure they ended up leaving the server.

[Like, the original group-agreed-upon argument came down to "I shouldn't have to google things or look up books to read or do my own work to discover anything new about the world, I should be able to demand of a random person's time and energy, even though I'm not giving off the vibe of someone who is actually ready to listen" and when I pointed out that people know when someone is and is not ready to listen, the streamer himself asked me how I knew and I was like like "do you think that I, a woman in her 30s, is somehow incapable of being able to discern intent?" Most women and queer folk KNOW who's a bad actor before they open their mouth, the idea that any of us wouldn't was just wildly ignorant.]

I complained to my friend (who I had met in the server) that the streamer was wrong and everyone's reaction was bullshit and, at first, he agreed with the position that a trans person should be prepared to debate people on their own rights if they deign to step outside their home. I countered with "You know, [streamer] doesn't it get it because he's a straight white man. He's the default. Other straight white men already know what it's like to be a straight white man so they have no questions for him. But to be trans or otherwise queer or a woman or any other person outside of a white man, is to have people question whether you have a right to be where you are. Trans women I've known have told me that they've had complete randos ask them if they've had bottom surgery and just-- how is that their business? People act so invasive towards non-straight non-white non-men in a way that no one does towards straight white men that they literally just can't understand what it's like to have your existence questioned just because you went outside. Asking a stranger if they've had bottom surgery is LITERALLY sexual harassment, and no one would ever walk up to someone like [streamer] and ask him like, "How big is your dick?" or something of a similar nature because that's just insane behavior, but when it's a trans person or a woman, it's suddenly okay? Like why do you think that is?" And my comparison to how white men are treated vs everyone else, and my stance that asking a stranger if they've had bottom surgery is sexual harassment (it is, no one needs to know about your genitalia) got through to him and he agreed with me. Awhile later I even heard him saying something similar to someone else about a situation that was similar and taking up the stance that I had given him.

So like... yeah, I probably wouldn't do that for a random man on the internet who is determined to hate me, but I can do it for a friend who I know might be receptive to what I have to say to him, and help steer him away from opinions that could end up dragging him down the wrong path.

As this post's OP said: "it's not saying you HAVE to do it! it's saying you CAN do it!"

It's up to you if you want to try effecting the people around you, but if they've dug in their heels that much then it's okay if you want to leave and not speak to them again. Just know that, it's only so hard for you because they were brainwashed since birth to think the way they think and that's REALLY hard to undo. And that's not a pass, that's just the reason why this is so fucking hard for the rest of us (when they're adults and harder to reason with because they're so invested) and also, the reason why mothers of sons need to maybe rethink how they're raising them. Like, don't raise them with "boy colors" and "girl colors" raise them with "colors." Dance isn't something a girl does, it's something a body does. Women don't cook because cooking is a woman's thing, people cook because they want to eat. And... I'll be honest, I've known a few women who are just so mean to their husbands in a "why can't you be a real man?" way, and I just DON'T see how that makes him want to be a better person, but then again, those woman probably need as much deprogramming as their husbands do since they just keep reinforcing something that (she may not even be aware) is hurting them both.

So yeah, sorry if this was a bit rambling, but seeing people fight back and forth for the past week and seeing people take up some really... Mad Max-ian, like, ultra-anarcho-capitalist positions of "we shouldn't help any man at all, fuck em!" was really weird when it was being said by people who purport themselves as being feminists when feminist ethics is supposed to be more compassionate. There were just a handful of reactions I saw that seemed very "pull yourself up out of the patriarchy by your bootstraps" but like... what if their boots don't have bootstraps? What if they don't even have shoes on? What if they don't even know they could have shoes?

posts about the alt-right pipeline being compassionate towards young men while radical leftists shun and shame them are not fucking saying "the men are becoming violent because feminists are too mean!" and if that is your takeaway you need to get off tumblr until you've better honed your critical thinking skills.

those posts are talking about how effective the language and approach you take in your activism can be. this is literally cult deprogramming 101. if someone is being taken in by a violent or dangerous group, that violent or dangerous group is usually offering them compassion and solace while working hard to convince them everyone else in the world is their enemy. you are under no obligation to coddle or act compassionate toward these men and their violent ideologies, but if you have the means to try, it is something that you can do to make a tangible difference.

radicalized people are often only one loving friend or family member or external voice away from being de-radicalized. of course that is not always the case, but it very often is. a lot of y'all rightfully understand that you do not carry the burden of being that voice, but a lot of y'all also have a lot of internalized ideas about morals and punitive justice and have simply written off these people as deserving of only the worst and not worth saving.

ten years ago, my grandmother was a fox news watching republican who voted red in every election and very well could have fallen down the qanon rabbit hole if not for me and her daughter challenging her compassionately, walking her through hypotheticals that validated her feelings & proving why they were false, & being patient with her despite our extreme division in political ideology. it was frustrating fucking work! but i decided i wanted to do it, because i could see the horizon and i could see me making a difference!

"misogynists have been saying feminists are too mean for years, get new material" that is not the fucking POINT. the point is that you, feminist, can be the compassionate voice that guides your brother, your father, your cousin, your grandfather away from fucking becoming or staying a nazi. you can show them compassion and companionship. you can be the woman they think of when their alt-right bros try to convince them that women are the enemy. and you can choose to crystallize that image of yourself so wholly in their mind's eye as worth protecting that they may very well choose to reject those harmful ideas.

it's not saying you HAVE to do it! it's saying you CAN do it! don't you 'firebomb a walmart' people all love taking change into your own hands? where the fuck is that energy right now, huh?

[famoussharkhairdoknight]

Where Goodbyes Fade~Jude Bellingham

The rain pounded against the car windows as I drove towards Jude’s house. We’d gone out to dinner for what was supposed to be the last time. After months of trying and endless discussions, we had decided to end things. It just wasn’t working anymore—or at least, that’s what we kept telling ourselves.

I parked outside his house. I sat there, hands gripping the wheel, staring at his front door. I should have just left, said goodbye, and moved on. But something held me back.

Finally, I sighed and got out of the car. Jude opened the door just as I knocked, and despite the grey sky and the tired look on his face, he had that faint, familiar smile.

“I thought you’d already gone,” he said, looking at me with a mix of surprise and curiosity.

“Yeah… I thought so too,” I replied, holding my breath as our eyes met. It felt like it had been ages since we’d looked at each other that way.

“What made you come back?” he asked, and I heard a note of hope in his voice, even though he tried to hide it.

I shook my head, unable to give him a clear answer. “I don’t know. It just felt like… something was missing,” I whispered.

He looked down and gestured for me to come inside. He closed the door behind me, and the silence in the room became heavy. I felt more vulnerable than ever. We looked at each other for a moment without saying anything, but there was so much between us that every word seemed unnecessary.

After a long pause, Jude stepped closer. “So… we should say goodbye, right?”

The words hit me, but I nodded weakly, trying to seem sure of myself. “Yes, it would be… better for both of us.”

“Better?” he repeated, as if he couldn’t believe that word. “God, do you really think this is the right thing?”

“I don’t know, Jude. We’ve tried so many times… we’ve been at this point for too long.”

He took a step back, running a hand through his hair—a gesture I knew well. “Maybe we’re just afraid to go all the way. Maybe we never allowed ourselves to truly surrender to each other,” he said in a low voice, almost as if he were speaking to himself.

I moved closer to him, looking into his eyes. “Jude, if there are things we haven’t said… it’s time to say them.”

He was silent for a moment, then moved his hand to my face, brushing a strand of hair aside. “I’m going to miss you,” he whispered hoarsely, his words thick with an emotion I couldn’t ignore.

“Stop it…” I replied in a low voice, but without any conviction. My heart was pounding, as if it had been waiting to hear exactly that.

“Will you really miss me?” he asked, almost as a challenge, and I saw the determination in his eyes, that same spark that had made me fall in love with him.

“Every single day,” I answered, unable to hold back the truth any longer.

Suddenly, Jude stepped even closer, so close that our breaths mingled. I could feel his warmth, his familiar scent, and every fiber of my being cried out for him.

“Tell me you hate me, if that’s really what you want,” he whispered, his lips just a breath away from mine. “Tell me you don’t need me anymore.”

“I can’t,” I answered, and in that moment, all my determination collapsed. His hands found my cheeks, and the world seemed to stop.

Suddenly, his face was so close that he was all I could see, his lips finding mine in a kiss loaded with everything we had kept hidden for far too long. His arms wrapped around me, and I held onto him as if he were the only thing that mattered.

After a moment, we pulled apart, breathless, but he still held me tightly, as if afraid I might disappear at any second.

“I can’t let you go,” he murmured, his face tense with genuine pain.

“Neither can I,” I replied, unable to hold back the tears. “Maybe we need each other more than we want to admit.”

He smiled, brushing his lips against mine once more. “Then let’s stay. Let’s put away every doubt and this time… really give it a shot.”

And in that moment, I realized that sometimes, even when you think you want to close a door, your heart knows the right choice all along.

[timeskip]

I have Thoughts about how the idea of "calling someone's name" in chimera ant arc ties together with Killua witnessing Gon transformed, at the end of the arc. And this is especially important for my personal POV that Gon didn't actually survive because he saw Killua there, the way I've seen some people say (though I do think this POV has merit too). It was a hopeless, tragic situation, and Killua couldn't do anything to stop it because Gon went alone :')

The concept of names is SO important to all of CAA, especially with how the ants form their identities, but it appears related to Gon and Killua too!! Killua calling out to Gon when he was transformed was such an important moment, because he's trying to save him the only way he knows how!!! And the fact that Gon RECOGNIZES that Killua is there and tries to reassure him but still continues to destroy himself is important too, because while Gon is being called for, he still keeps fighting Pitou! It's all Gon thinks he can do in his current state! It's an exemplification of how tragic CAA is for both of them, that Gon can never be saved until after it's over,,

Back to calling Gon's name; first, Killua talks about the importance of calling Gon's name in chapter 294:

"That's my one condition! Let him know you're okay. He was so worried about you, up to the minute we came in here. Give him some peace of mind. Please, put his mind as ease. Only you, Palm, can do that now. Nobody else can reach him. Not me..."

Killua really does believe that just by calling his name, Palm would be able to help Gon. Palm, not him. That the act of knowing she's okay would be a relief that could help Gon in a way Killua was completely unable to, because to Gon, Killua wasn't involved in this--pushing Killua away in order to take on Pitou alone--and Palm IS, because she went missing. But this perspective that Killua has isn't true! Killua is important to Gon, and Palm tells him this!!!

But Killua is horrified at this because he doesn't know how to save Gon!!!

It's such a vital moment. Killua desperately WANTS to be needed, to be someone Gon relies on. And Gon has already pushed him away, so Killua thinks that even if Gon needs him the most, Killua wouldn't be able to do anything--not even as simple as calling Gon's name.

Either way, though--Killua thinks that calling Gon's name is important, whether or not Palm's presence would help. After all this, Gon is spiraling so hard and he goes with Pitou alone, and kills Pitou alone, which is what Killua was afraid of--he wanted to be needed, and he's being faced with Gon leaving, which makes Killua powerless to do anything for Gon's sake (unlike what Palm is telling him). Even when Pouf tells him what's going on, all he can do is try to make it in time.

And then in 307, when Killua finds Gon:

For Killua, this is him checking that it IS Gon, because... this Gon looks ENTIRELY unlike the Gon Killua knows. And in return, Gon calls Killua's name. He acknowledges Killua's presence.

Gon knows Killua is there. They've both called each other's names now, they both know each other is there, and Gon knows that Killua is watching him not just kill Pitou as Pitou's puppeted corpse goes after him again, but also expend all his power and life in order to do it. We KNOW what Gon is going through, the guilt he feels, and all the pain he's finally unleashing on Pitou, as his sole object of revenge. He'd already chosen to give up all of himself by this point, and I... don't believe there's any way to go back on a nen contract like that. He's using all of himself, one way or another.

Even though he knows this is the end, Gon is telling Killua that he's happy. That it's not hurting him. He's trying to comfort Killua, or he's just so numb he doesn't understand what he's doing to himself. Either way, he's HAPPY that he can be like Kite, losing an arm before he dies, because this is the self punishment he feels he deserves, and he doesn't realize how much pain he's causing Killua. Gon is fully aware of what he's doing and he knows that Killua is watching him, but it's impossible to stop the self destruction he's started.

In a way, I think Killua was right. He can't reach Gon now, or at least he stopped being able to after Gon made his nen contract. He wasn't able to save Gon during the palace invasion, because Gon WOULD'VE died if not for Nanika.

But at the same time, I think Palm is also right. She wouldn't have been able to do anything for Gon just by telling him that she's okay, because this is so much bigger than her, and bigger than just knowing that Palm or Killua are okay when Gon isn't; Gon needs someone like Killua, someone who's able to call his name and help him come back to himself. Gon wants Killua to live, even if he's unable to accept Killua's help.

This is a tragedy, after all :')

I'd be willing to argue that it's Killua watching Gon which allows KILLUA to choose to live, the opposite of Gon looking at Killua and deciding to live. Killua had been planning to commit suicide with Gon, to make sure Gon isn't alone, but seeing Gon like this and desperately yelling at him to STOP, because if he keeps going he's going to lose his entire life, and watching Gon turn back and look at him tearfully... Killua wasn't prepared to witness that. And I think it must have changed his mind from thinking it would be fine if he died, as long as it was useful to Gon, to him wanting Gon to apologize. Obviously it isn't healthy, but it was a change that needed to happen. Killua needed to choose to live and save Gon, instead of sacrificing himself for Gon's sake!!!

And then offscreen somewhere, Killua finds Gon barely alive. When Killua first saw transformed Gon, Gon had called KILLUA'S name, bringing Killua back to his senses and making him realize what he needed to save. After all, isn't Gon the same as Palm? He showed up, looking like that, and Killua was terrified. And Gon needed to call his name.

They're BOTH the one each other need the most, even if they couldn't save each other!!

But I do think Killua is helpless to do anything even up to the moment Gon's jajanken explodes. After all, Gon saw that Killua was there and still kept fighting Pitou's body with his full strength, not even relying on Killua, reassuring Killua that he was okay (like saying that Killua didn't need to be involved) after Killua pushed him out of the way of Pitou's attack (which Gon was fully going to take!!! He was fully going to die if Killua hadn't saved him!!!). His self punishment didn't have anything to do with Killua, but Killua watched it anyway.

And that is of course part of why Killua is so upset after the arc!! Because he's finally starting to realize that he's been putting so much of himself on the idea of being "needed" by Gon, but he can't live like that anymore. He needs Gon to apologize for running ahead without him and being someone Killua couldn't save until after it had already happened.

Anyways I love the ways that the arc builds into the tragedy throughout the whole thing, it's so good <3

[the-music-maniac]

I've never been able to get over stories where the abused becomes the villain. True of any media that has this trope, really, but especially true of Sephiroth. He makes my heart hurt.

Created to be nothing but a weapon, abused and manipulated and experimented on from childhood. Sent to go fight Shinra's wars for them, desensitized to killing from a young age, but still managing to hold onto his kindness somehow. They made him into a legend larger than life for their propaganda, while simultaneously de-humanizing him in the worst ways, isolating Seph to the point where no one around him, not even his closest companions, even realized that he needed support. There's hints that no one around him really knew his background by the things they say - the only one who was aware of the extent of his mistreatment was his abuser. He was a high functioning individual - who would be arrogant enough to assume that The General could need help? Who would dare?

And I don't blame Angeal or Genesis or Zack for not realizing. Along with them simply not knowing there was an issue that needed addressing, Sephiroth probably kept it from them on purpose - whether by choice or necessity or outside influence or self preservation.

Sephiroth just wanted a normal life too. He didn't like having his picture taken, but endured because he had to, and because other people wanted it of him. He didn't really care to compete for the title of hero with Genesis, even though Genesis didn't seem to believe it. He took care of his troops, and we see in that one cut scene where he failed to save a soldier, that he still got upset over stuff like that. All those years of killing and losing his men to Shinra's missions and he hasn't truly become numb to it.

And then nearing the end, after first being told he's a monster by one of his former friends, and then later spending a week in that library not eating or drinking or sleeping, left alone to his devices because who would assume that the most competent general of their time can be in a vulnerable state, and shouldn't be left alone right now?

After learning the "truth" about his origins, and after a lifetime of systematic abuse, no longer believing he's even human anymore. And then the only person offering him a hand in his darkest moments is the one he shouldn't have taken. But at that point - could you blame him? Whether or not the post nibelheim Sephiroth is truly him or just a puppet for Jenova I'm uncertain about, but the end result is that from start to finish - Sephiroth never manages to break free from the whims of those who wanted to use him.

And because he gave into his worse demons - he won't receive a happy ending. He won't be saved. There's no comfort for him, no opportunity to rest and heal and grow. His childhood wish to live a normal life will never come to pass.

Watching Sephiroth's story unfold is like watching someone drown in front of you while surrounded by a crowd of people. And the one drowning doesn't even scream for help because he's been conditioned to believe that the suffocation is normal.

I will NEVER get over him. It doesn't excuse what he did after Nibelheim, I'm aware of that, but I can't help but remember that people only ever had praise for him while he was burning villages down in Wutai on Shinra's behalf.

It doesn't excuse his actions. But I will NEVER be able to forget all the ways the world failed him first.

[magnetothemagnificent]

Yesterday at shul the Rabbanit gave a really beautiful drasha about Avram's discovery of G-d, using the Midrash in Bereishit Rabba (39:1):

מָשָׁל לְאֶחָד שֶׁהָיָה עוֹבֵר מִמָּקוֹם לְמָקוֹם, וְרָאָה בִּירָה אַחַת דּוֹלֶקֶת, אָמַר תֹּאמַר שֶׁהַבִּירָה הַזּוֹ בְּלֹא מַנְהִיג, הֵצִיץ עָלָיו בַּעַל הַבִּירָה, אָמַר לוֹ אֲנִי הוּא בַּעַל הַבִּירָה

"There is a parable to one who was wandering from place to place, and saw a fortress that was lit up. He said to himself, "could you say that this fortress has no governor"? The master of the fortress peered out at him and said to him, "I am the master of the fortress"."

The traveler is a young Avram, the fortress is the world, and the master is G-d, alluding to the logical conclusion a young Avram came to that there had to be a greater power in the world.

The word "דּוֹלֶקֶת" is an interesting word, because it can be used to mean "illuminated", like a fortress all lit up against the night sky, or it can be used to mean "on fire", like a fortress burning down. And in both situations, asking where its owner is appropriate. For the former, the traveler is asking where the owner is, because someone would have had to have been the one to light all the torches and candles. For the latter, the traveler is horrified that such a monument is burning down with no one to take responsibility.

This Midrash has been the topic of numerous Torah insights, most especially from Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, synthesizing these two seemingly contrasting ideas. That we can simultaneously look at the world as though it is engulfed in flames, or as though it is twinkling in the darkness, and in both times cry out, "where is G-d?!" We can come to spirituality out of horror or out of wonder, and sometimes the same situation can evoke both reactions. There are people who are spurred into action because of a sense of wonder at the world, because they see beauty and complexity and greatness and want to find out how and why the world works the way it does. There are others who are spurred into action because they are horrified at the world seemingly collapsing all around them, because it looks like no one is there to take responsibility and that they must be the one to do it. Both mindsets are valuable.

And I'd like to add to the Rabbanit's drasha:

This parable doesn't just have to apply to only those who believe in G-d or not, or those who are religious or not. Imagine the parable ended before the owner of the fortress showed himself. How would the traveler react? If the fortress was illuminated with kindled torches and candles, would the traveler enter the fortress and make sure the lights stayed on to light the way for other weary travelers? If the fortress was on fire, would the traveler go to try and extinguish the flames? If no one is claiming responsiblity for the fortress, then we must claim responsibility, because no one else will.

[fandomofisolation]

I'm not ready to believe that Buck and Tommy are done for good.

I'm just spitballing here, but I think I have some good reasons for that.

Here's why:

1.

Tommy agreed to go to Maddie's wedding with Buck and showed up still in his turnouts and covered in soot after a grueling 24 (?) hours of fire-fighting because he did not want to go back on that promise. And he kissed Buck in the middle of the hospital and allowed Buck to go into Chimney's hospital room with soot all over his face and met all Buck's family and friends.

Tommy was always talking about the 118 as a family and how he wanted to be a part of that.

Tommy took care of Buck when he dislocated his shoulder and slept over at Buck's place.

Tommy gave Buck a present for their six-month anniversary.

It's not giving "someone who doesn't think this is going to last". It's not giving "someone who is just here for a good time". What it IS giving is "someone who takes this relationship seriously". "Someone who just might be falling in love."

Here's what I'm thinking.

Tommy had just found out that his Buck is the half-her-age himbo that his ex-fiancée Abby dated after he broke off their engagement and "went a little crazy". Now, what we know about Tommy right now is that he has done a lot of work on himself, that he has grown a lot, and that he is a good person. I think it's safe to assume that he feels badly about breaking Abby's heart.

We've seen him talk about his past before, like on their first date or in Buck's loft when he made the "God I hope so" comment but he never really goes in depth. I think he's trying to shield Buck from his trauma. So yeah, when he talked about Abby, he's not gonna give Buck all the ugly details about his own journey. And of course the scene with Josh supports that with the comment about scars.

So Tommy is confronted with a visceral reminder of the woman he hurt. And he probably cared about her. And he probably feels bad. But that happened at a time when he was figuring himself out. He had just left the 118. He was dealing with some shit. He was doing the best he could. What's important here is that he was just embarking on the journey of embracing his sexuality. And for all we know, he might have been right around the age that Buck is right now.

So Tommy sees Buck as his former self. And all that guit comes back and turns into pure panic. Because if Buck is past-Tommy, then Tommy is past-Abby. And Tommy is not gonna let Buck do to him what he himself did to Abby.

But it's not about Buck. Tommy is projecting. This is Tommy's own regret and insecurity.

2.

There are some very important parallels in this episode that I would like to draw your attention to.

7.05: Buck and Tommy have their first date at a restaurant, which ends with Tommy leaving Buck standing in front of the restaurant alone because he doesn't think Buck is ready

8.06: Buck and Tommy have their six-month anniversary date at a restaurant and have a conversation that begins a chain of events which ultimately leads to Tommy breaking up with Buck because he thinks that Buck will break his heart

7.05: Eddie asked Marisol to move in with him, then freaked out and thought that he was going to have to break up with her but ultimately was persuaded that that was not the best course of action. (The fact that everything got fucked up when Kim came into the picture is later and has nothing to do with this. Marisol and Eddie were doing well after he asked her to move back out.)

8.06: Buck asked Tommy to move in with him and Tommy freaked out and "broke up" with Buck.......

7:05: Eddie is dealing with rediscovering a faith that he didn't think was still important to him, because the girl he is dating used to be a nun-in-training

8.06: Eddie is dipping his toe back into the pool of practising his faith and runs into the priest he confessed to at a juice bar, where said priest arguably may have been flirting with him

7.05: Eddie shows up to Buck's apartment because he doesn't know what to do about Marisol. Buck tells Eddie that he and Tommy were on a date but Tommy "dumped" him. Eddie convinces Buck not to give up and tells him to call Tommy. Buck convinces Eddie not to break up with Marisol.

8.06: Buck shows up to Eddie's house because Tommy just "broke up" with him............

3.

This show has a an established pattern of couples + second chances. Maddie even does a whole speech about it at one point.

Let's review:

- Buck thinks that Abby's complicated life is too much for him and tells Bobby that he thinks he's going to break up with her. Bobby convinces him not to and that relationship becomes the best and most transformative relationship of Buck's life...until now.

- Bobby and Athena start dating then have a fight about how Athena is ashamed of him and Bobby doesn't want to be a secret but Michael (Athena's GAY ex-husband..ahem..) convinces her not to give up on it.

- When Athena asked Bobby to move in with her (ahem), Bobby freaks out (AHEM) and we think he's going to break it off but he actually ends up proposing.

- in a flashback, we see that Hen and Karen broke up earlier in their relationship but Chimney once again got involved and got them back together by convincing Karen to try again.

- Hen full on CHEATED on Karen with her crazy ex (I know, we don't like to talk about it) and Karen moved out. But Hen fought for her and she came back. Now they're better than ever.

- Eddie and Shannon were separated for a long time, but they eventually got back together

- Maddie and Chimney were really good friends and falling in love but Maddie wasn't ready. And Chimney was sad but he understood. (2.08) Then Maddie decides to divorce Doug and asks Chimney out. (2.11)

- After Doug almost kills both Chimney and Maddie, they try to pick up where they left off but whatever they were about to have is gone and they're not getting it back. (2.14) But Maddie still won't give up and suggests that they try to have something else. (2.18)

- Buck and Taylor hooked up but fought about Taylor's journalistic ethics. However, they eventually reconnected and end up dating.

- Buck kissed Lucy and freaked out and asked Taylor to move in with him. When he told Taylor that's what happened, she was PISSED but they worked it out and she stayed.

- After Maddie went to Boston, Maddie and Chimney broke up because they grew apart, or grew while they were apart. BUT they continue coparenting amicably, have a one-night stand and buy a house together. And of course, get engaged and eventually married!

- Natalia learned about Lucy, Taylor and Kameron all in one night and decided that Buck's life was too full and too complicated for her. But she came back after realizing that Buck was worth it and the fullness and complexity was a good thing.

- We've already talked about Eddie and Marisol and Buck and Tommy the first time.

---

IN CONCLUSION, DO YOU SEE THE VISION??

I think that Eddie, once again, is going to help Buck gain some perspective and convince him not to give up on Tommy. I think Buck is going to fight for Tommy and Tommy is going to work through some stuff and realize that he was acting out of fear. And I think they're going to get back together!!

---

Note: This could work for bucktommy OR buddie end game.

Of the couples I mentioned in my list of second chances, the three main couples all stayed together, eventually getting married. But Eddie and Buck have each had 2-3 instances (Shannon and Marisol, and Abby, Taylor and Natalia, respectively) where their relationships seemed like they were going to end (or did end) but they worked through it, AND THEN LATER actually did end anyway for a completely different reason.

So what I'm saying is that Buck and Tommy could end up like Bathena, Madney or Henren, or they could go the route of Buck's and Eddie's previous relationships and eventually end, which would be very sad but okay as long as it were for a good reason.

[gazetto-no-ki]

2024.11.10 Aoi on Twitter:

"Good morning. Purification (morning bath) complete. See you later 🖐️"

Ruki IG story:

Ruki on Twitter: "Arrived. #KishidanBanpaku2024"

Kai: "Thank you so much for the wonderful welcome every time 🙇‍♂️✨ I'm going to do my best! Thank you very much 👊#KishidanBanpaku2024"

Uruha quote tweeting Aoi: "Good morning. Even I, who was standing next to him, seem to have had my hairline taken away by the distortion in space-time. What on earth have you done to me…?"

Aoi: "Leave the hair/god* behind!"

*play on words that merges kami meaning "hair" with kami meaning "god". oite ke could mean "leave behind" or be misread as something like "take care". So he is referencing his previous tweets as well as asking you to "Sacrifice your hair (to the god)". Can also be a reference to headbanging since it's his last tweet before the show. Leaving behind god is a pun on Heresy. But direct straightforward translation is "Leave the hair behind." He previously tweeted the hair/god play on words in November 2022 with Reita.

Kai: "Thank you Kishidan Expo. Thanks to everyone who joined in and got pumped with us. Great job, everyone! 👋 This was our last live show of the year, and I think we all made it an incredible and fun performance together. Much appreciated! 🙏✨ With a tour coming early next year, let's headbang and have fun together again! 🤝 #KishidanBanpaku2024"

Aoi: "Cheers to our Kishidan Expo 🍻 Thank you so much!! Enjoy yourselves till the very end! #KishidanBanpaku2024"

Aoi: "In the end, festivals are really all about the fans. And thinking about how those fans probably want to avoid doing anything that might tarnish the artist’s name, it makes me realize just how admirable that artist must be. But then, that artist likely believes their fans are the best, so they'd probably want other artists to see that too…"

[originaltravelerfun]

my biggest problem with hazbin hotel writing after everything

guys do you notice how badly vivzie doesn't want to directly mention the theme of morality?

its always there, it flashes everywhere but she chooses to walk on edges. the redemption, extermination, falling in hell, god we literally have hell vs heaven war with these themes. and after everything the question "is this the right thing to do?" just exists like small stream of wind.

never in the show charlie asks herself "is my redemption plan is right?" she should know that there are very bad people who can also badly hurt others because she is there for a long. but this knowledge never brings up and we have to accept the fact that charlie is just an infantile and too stupid to comprehend evilness despite also knowing what good means. its really weird how the princess of hell who should already know the hellish history and society acts like she for the first saw someone like valentino being evil. SHE DIDNT LIVE FOR LONG IN HEAVEN (what could explain the blindness towards evil nature), SHE LIVED FOR LONG IN HELL, FUCKING HELL. how after many years she cant deal with the evilness of her people and instead just believe in a power of friendship? WHERE SHE WAS SO SHELTERED TO GET THIS MINDSET IN THE END?

its very weird how every theme that is revelant in this show, is literally connected with defining good vs evil BUT vivzie never, never makes us think about that. we just should accept the writing telling us what happened is good or bad, or even worse, doesn't matter and it was just for funnies (like that rpe joke with Sir Pentious).

the reason why this morality thing got in my mind is that im afraid what season 2 brings to us. im afraid that they will never mention elephant in the room: possibly irredeemable people. and hearing another doubtful information makes me scared that viv goes to the route "actually, there is no evil people and it just fault of some metaphoric disease that makes people evil!". and im very afraid of this happening in the future because it seems to be that everyone just ignores the existence of Irredeemableness. like doing evil doesnt really matter and there is just winners/losers side of history.

for some reason Sir Pentious in the past got in hell because of him ignoring the situation. let me mention he is the first to be ascended of all sinners and this backstory makes him pitiful for a reason. of all backstories, they chose the most depressing one. where he is a shut-in who had no will to change the inevitable situation. bro do not tell me you didnt do this to make another point of "innocent sinners"

emily. if not for emily, i wouldn't writing this. she is the angel version of charlie who also promotes "sinners deserve redemption" but also ignores existence of serial killers, rpists and another kinds of "that evil" people. the same problem charlie has but i can understand it at least.

I am not scared for saying this. viv seems to be not mature enough to even explore the concept of her show if she is afraid of exploring complete monsters (like exploring undoubtable evil AND NOT MAKING IT CONTROVERSIAL LIKE WITH VALENTINO AND ANGEL) and just stays on the line "of pure good (every main character) and wrongful revenge (VVVs, Adam, Lute and other exorcists, not gonna be surprised of Lilith adding to this group)".

of all characters, i only feel sympathy for lute (and also sir pentious with how he was handled throughout the show). sera was just stupid and wanted bloodshed because of her special placement in an angelic hierarchy. i dont believe this bullshit of her caring about well-being of her people when she went with extermination as it was nothing. all she should have said is that there are very horrible people and hell is not worth of being a threat to her lovely power. well, they didn't go for this route for some reason. now sera got in wrong too and she got in the first group with everyone.

TELL ME

TELL ME WHY NO ONE STILL POINTS ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM AND WE JUST ACCEPT THAT HELL IS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD

This is why I only care about Lute now because she is the only who has brain to acknowledge that there's monsters in hell

im so done with this show bro

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

"So how well did you do in the exam, Sev?"Lily asks excitedly.

Severus makes a dramatic pause, but is hiding a smile, then he shows her his paper: "An easy A+"

Lily, who didn't sleep to study all night, blushes. But she still shows her friend her own exam.

"An A - . But just barely. Physics is not my strongest subject"

It is the most difficult subject for everyone. Because their professor gives them the most horrible examinations. Everyone is torn up after it has ended. Lily knows some of her classmates even cried.

Severus touches her shoulder "You did great, Lily. It was a general difficult exam. You know how Frumentar is"

He doesn't sound like he made much effort. While Lily is exhausted for cracking her head up during the exam. She feels like a fool for trying so hard when others make it look so easy.

It should have been an A+. Lily feels like a failure.

That's when she hears them. The Marauders.

Peter sounds very stressed "I can't believe you got an A+. An A+!! It was the most difficult exam I've ever done"

"Easy peacy, I tell you" James grins.

"But you didn't even study!" Peter protests "We stayed until late with Remus revising it all"

James shrugs "The exam had everything Frumentar gave us in class. Nothing out of this world"

Peter groans, reflecting Lily's annoyance. How dares he? James Potter is Lily's number one enemy for a reason.

"How did you guys do?" James is asking to his friends.

Peter hides his paper. Sirius and Remus look at each other.

"C+" Remus sighs "I knew I could do better"

Lily would have died if she got a C+. She had never been lower than a B+.

"Same" Sirius hits Remus's palm. He doesn't look perturbed like him though "I don't worry. Grades are stupid. School sucks. It's all about the great things you do in life" he winks "Like Steve Jobs, for example. Did you know he left school?"

"I bet Steve Jobs didn't have a mother that would kill him" Peter whines.

"What did you get, Wormy?" Sirius asks putting an arms around him.

"I'm not sharing my grade" Peter blushes.

"It's okay, boys" James exclaims "Not everyone can be a genius like me"

Lily's blood boils. She really hates him. How come he is great at everything without moving a stupid finger? Some people are great academically but suck at sports. Like Severus. Others are great at Gymnastics but aren't that good at school. Like Marlene.

Although James Potter is good at both. And Lily hates him for that.

James Potter, Severus and her are always competing to be the top of their class. And it might be stupid. But Lily wants to win. All the time.

"I bet he has the teachers bought, Lily. Don't worry" Severus says, sensing Lily's anger.

"Let's just go, Sev"

Lily is so so angry and frustrated that when she passes by and James says "Hey, Evans" in the cheeky way he always does, she groans openly.

"How did you do in the exam?"

"Fuck off!!"

[universalzones]

"Really? And here I thought they came all this for a fucking tea party with scones. Obviously I know GUN isn't here to just fucking talk, and I'm sure they have their own plans to be a pain in the ass. Though in case you forgot YOU'RE the hero, even to their bitch ass's. How do you think they'll react if you go off the fucking rails. At least if I do it then it'd be way easier for The Restoration to cut me off real quick." It was a blunt and harsh truth, though being such a loose cannon came in handy in a situation like this.

"What do you take me for, a fucking idiot? I'm well aware that I'll have to convince Kit NOT to fight GUN and let them arrest me, and doing that will be like pulling fucking teeth. That doesn't change the fact I trust only you to get him home and to keep your mouth shut just where it is. I'm not telling saying you can't be angry, though take it from me, you don't want it controlling you." Until today most of Surge's choices were driven by her anger.

"Look, I know you ain't happy about my choice, though believe it or not it's for me too. I got shit I need to pay for, and not everything is as easy as changing and running around helping people. Sometimes jail time is need, though I'm sure we both know some crazy threat will come up to force GUNs hand to let me loose to help which could help me get out faster." Surge main reason for doing this was clearly for Kit, though another reason was doing it for herself.

"So if you're done arguing with me then lets get to this fucking checkpoint and make sure GUN knows trying anything stupid will piss both of us off." Surge was ready to start telling GUN to pack it up and go the fuck home, if only for the fact it would get Drippy home faster. "Besides, in case you forgot we got giant Momma Wisp up there." The tenrec doubts GUN wants to fuck with a Wisp that side.

===========================================================

"Belle Bot wasn't designed programming of hacking, and it was something we put on the back burner as it was made mainly for defense purpose's. Simply put, it can't do something on this scale, though I suppose it'll work for at least jamming their communication and airships if need be. Belle Bot, run program delta nine B on all GUN communication devices and airship within range."

Belle Bot's eyes would glow green for a moment. "Executing command and calculating time until completion. Calculation complete. Command will be fully done in six minutes. Recommending to avoid conflict until process is complete." The bot would then put it's focus on completing the command.

"Why? It's not like you did this to me, and honestly I couldn't care less about your existence by this point. At this point my dislike for you is only because of how continue to let Sonic act so foolish and not convince him to end Eggman. Heroism is fine, though there's a clear line between heroism and stupidity. You and I both know if Sonic really wanted to he could end Eggman at anytime. I'm sure even you can, though you don't." For the most part Kitsunami had gotten past Starline's programming expect for a voice every now and then.

"So there's nothing to talk about as I just don't like you, though I can also admit I don't trust you either. Mainly because our points of view are so far apart and so different. If it helps I can say it's no longer personal as I apply this logic to Sonic and plenty of your friends." Kitsunami could now say he was mostly thinking for himself, even if most of his motivation was to help Surge.

All Sonic could see in that moment was red, and that anger was bubbling up like geyser ready to blow. He didn't have much in this world that he cared for, and he knew Amy was a tough girl. But seeing her like that just flipped a switch for him. Maybe it was that curse that linked him to her, or maybe was just his own protective nature as a guardian of his world. He didn't know but he'd never felt such a desire to put someone in the ground. Even despite the fact that he was hyper aware Surge was trying to prevent him from making a huge mistake. It didn't really register completely.

He grit his teeth and leaned in close to Surge and was seconds from speaking, telling her where she could shove her worries. If she knew Abe like he did, if she had any idea of all the awful things he was party to. She'd have wanted to put him in the ground to. GUN drove Gerald mad, tossed shadow in a damn stasis pod, killed maria in cold blood and so much more! there was alot they would never atone for in Sonic's eyes---all of this was just another drop in the bucket.

" Talkin' ain't ever gonna be GUN's language! I am so sick of tryin' to talk with those people! they only language they get is force, so i'm just gonna speak there language!?! "

He had no qualms busting Surge's face wide open to get to them either! Luckily Tails voice was perhaps the one he needed to hear most, mostly because of how close they were. But despite that it didn't make him less angry, it just made him bury it again and hide away like he always did. When he thought about it, he was kind of a coward wasnt he? always hiding, always tucking his tail and running from all that pent up aggression.

Surge could see his hostility ebb away, it was likely the first time she'd seen him so worked up. Yes he did care for Amy, like he cared for Tails, and anyone who threatened them was on his shit list!

" ... Mark my words, they ain't here to talk Surge... those bastards are a bunch of child killin' life ruinin' sacks of absolute shit. I'll play nice... but the moment i find out Abe was behind Amy's attack... the gloves are off... i ain't puttin' that to the side. You'd do the same if it was Kit... "

He looked away from her to the airship that was just within sight of them now.

" They ain't here to help... you an i both know it... this is gonna be us vs them... i'll wait... and i keep my promises. So you can relax... "

He was still very obviously pissed off, and only holding back for the time being. One wrong move by GUN was likely to set his ass off. But he knew if GUN had his way they'd lock them both up for sure. His eyes went to Surge though and narrowed as he realized something important and, as he needed some way to direct his anger he snapped at her instead.

" and YOU need to tell him the damn truth! because i sure as fuck ain't gonna explain it to him. Do you think for a moment he'd listen to me or tails anyway? You need to tell him, and soon..."

===============================================

Tails wasn't sure if it was Belle in control or an auto pilot in truth it was hard to tell. But he was pretty impressed by the over all craftsmanship of the bot. It was impressive and showed how far she'd come! He was always impressed by her work, and it was proof in his mind that Eggman's bots could do good given the right program and incentive.

" And who do you think designed the artificial Chaos? Doctor Gerald Robotnik... Eggman's grandfather. Lots of Eggman's technology was inspired by Gerald, even if Gerald's intentions were pure... alot of his tech was turned into weapons for GUN or worse... locked up for being to dangerous. But i guess you know more about it then i do... just hard not to see the similarities "

Tails had been working the entire time he was talking. He connected the satellite to the Belle Bot which gave her access to the eye in the sky. This also allowed her to interface with the restoration com network fully, and reconnect the broken bits from the EMP with the satellites network.

" I got it, i do hope Belle doesn't mind me using the belle Bot as a relay... but, that should reconnect Restoration communications. Also you should be able to use the belle bot's signal to connect to the satellite using it as a proxy. That should limit any risk to your own equipment... "

Not that there was any risk to begin with, but he hoped it quelled Kit's paranoia.

" I... know i probably shouldn't even say anything. But... I'm Sorry you know, for everything that's happened... Deep down i guess i just want to find some middle ground for you and I... I just want us to be able to talk ... work this all out somehow. "

He sighed and gave Kit a side glance with one of his ears falling over

" When this is over... do you think... we can talk? Not asking for anything else... just a chance for us to talk, "

[plausible-possible-perhaps]

can I say. can I say. we are all talking about the ending with Eve because of how much it shows Oz' oedipus complex but him? as a white man ? who has capital and political power? forcibly (cause she got no real choice here) casting Eve, a black woman, in the role of a mother figure? as a completely depersoned vehicle for him to project onto, as a mommy-caretaker for his emotional needs who has to tell him she loves him and is proud of him so she doesn't risk him using his power and status as a white man to hurt her and the marginalised community she's part of? chills. genuinely messed up

Hi, Anon! I really thought Eve was going to somehow make it out, and one thing I've noticed is how Oz often gives his female counterparts a fate worse than death. Francis is now forever stuck with her psychotic son, unable to move or speak (as he also broke his promise to prevent that). Sofia would much rather have died than be sent back to Arkham, but Oz used her as a scapegoat and put her in her own personal he'll. And now Eve, a woman who was basically betrayed by the man she thought she could trust, is essentially being forced into this demented role-play.

It's important to remember how Eve was fully prepared to die for her girls when Sofia visited her apartment. So when she realized Oz enabled their murders, Eve didn't mind selling him out. She is completely sound-of-mind and knows what dangers linger as Oz lives, but she's given no choice but to put on a facade and pretend like she doesn't know anything, pretend that she's his mother and proud of him. So yes, as Selina said in the first movie, the powerful white men of Gotham only care for their own. Oz, despite the sweet way he talks and how he makes it out like he advocates for the discarded, doesn't care about anyone but himself. I think he could know Eve fears/hates him, but as long as she "stays in line," he'll keep her around-- but there is never a doubt that when he's threatened, Oz won't hesitate to throw Eve out to the wolves, just as he did with his own crew, Sofia, and Vic.

He's such a despicable character; he's a rat, a cheat, every name in the book. He lies to others in an attempt to keep up his "man of the people" delusion. He uses all three persuasive techniques, but none of them are true. There is a sliver of myself that wants to believe that Eve is somehow in contact with Selina, and that she won't have to stay hostage forever; hence Sofia's smile while reading the letter, knowing that Oz will never be safe, but I don't know.

ALSO ALSO! I keep hearing about the "Eve is Clayface" theory! Basically, Eve Karlo is the equivalent to Basil Karlo (the original Clayface), and Sofia's comment on which "face" Eve will wear at a given time is quite...interesting. I'm not sure if I believe it, per say, but if it means that another rogue is going to have it out for Oz, I support it!

[sad-girl-hours23]

Rewatched the BuckTommy-centric scenes of “Confessions” since I had a bad headache when I watched it live.

The restaurant scene still feels like a fever dream…cause what was that?!

1. Personally, I don’t think the basketball game tickets were an unthoughtful gift because we know Buck doesn’t like to play basketball, but we don’t know that he doesn’t enjoy watching it/going to games. That being said, I could understand either interpretation if Buck never told Tommy he doesn’t like basketball, which would have been a perfect rom-com confession and call-back , but I digress

2. The comment from Buck about him noticing that Tommy didn’t look at the hot woman at the restaurant and Tommy explicitly stating he’s gay/a Kinsey 6. I mean, we already had Eddie specifically use the word gay in reference to Tommy and Buck didn’t dispute it. So was this for the benefit of the GA; remind them Tommy is gay and Buck is Bi? Are we really supposed to believe that Buck would have never previously asked Tommy if he had been with a woman? And on a slightly less serious (but still serious to me) note…this man who in the previous episode hyperfixated on a centuries old corpse?? He wouldn’t have any idea what the Kinsey scale is and where both him and Tommy fall on that?? 😅

3. My biggest wtf moment though was when Tommy was talking about Abby and ended with the fact that she had great hair?? Now why did they make him say that 😭😭😭😭

All in all, it still just doesn’t feel real?

And listen, I’m not going to fault anyone for not seeing/feeling chemistry between two characters and I see Buck and Tommy through fanon-tinted glasses and yes we were still getting to know them as a couple, hell they were still getting to know each other…but I did not see this coming at all, not right now. I’m not saying they had to be forever, but the only time we see Buck have to talk about his relationship is after Tommy “breaks up” with him (aka leaves him at the restaurant) and then the very episode where they break up?? Yeah, sorry I’m not seeing how it was obvious from the beginning 😒

I’ve lost my train of thought by now, so I’ll stop rambling 😂 I’ll just end it with this: I do hope, if it’s what Lou wants and it will be written well, that we do get Buck and Tommy back again, but I am grateful for what we got to have of them (present episode mostly excluded but I’ll be damned if both of them didn’t look good while breaking each other’s hearts 🥹🥹)

[leapingbadger]

The Beach

Summary: During a surprise meet up with Ventress (in my previous story Tested), she suggested Hunter might be force sensitive. He's unable to get it out of his head and needs answers. His brothers try to help him figure it out. It also includes Tech as a ghost which is discussed more in Sunrise and Goodbye. (Read on AO3)

***

Hunter followed Crosshair out of their front door and down the winding path to the beach. The sun had just risen, and the sounds of Pabu’s creatures had erupted with the bright, golden glow. The heat hit him like a wall as his feet crunched on the sloping path.

“You sure you don’t want to wait for the others?”  his brother asked in his slow drawl.

Hunter shook his head, “I think it’s better if it’s just us. The sooner we get this done, the better,” he replied.

“Don’t want your armor? Crosshair asked.

“I think you’re overestimating your skills with a knife, brother?” Hunter returned with a smile. “what’s with the paints?”

“Figured when we’re done, I might be able to get some practice in…” he said sheepishly. He fidgeted with his prosthetic right hand and adjusted the canvas under his arm.

They continue the rest of the walk in silence, nodding to various villagers they came across on the way down to lower Pabu. Everyone knew who they were, even if they’d never spoken to them before.

Hunter led the way down to a small bay with a thin strip of beach. It was small enough to not be a favorite with the locals but was a place he came to often. It sat next to the cave where they had first met Ventress.

She was really the reason he was doing this. He hadn’t been able to forget their conversation during his mission with Rex. He didn’t need to prove anything to anyone, he told himself over and over again, but he wanted to be sure.

He and his brothers had never been enlightened into the inner working of the Kaminoan experiments that had created them and had no real knowledge of how they ended up the way they were. Even Tech wasn’t able to get that information, when he was alive.

“I believe Ventress’ theory has merit,” he had said during one of his early morning visits to Hunter. These meetings had become more frequent since Hunter had returned to the island. “But it requires more exploration.”

And so here they were, on the beach, before the others could wake up, to test Ventress’ theory.

“So, what’s the plan?” Crosshair asked, placing his art supplies by a large rock.

Hunter tied the lace on his boots, pulled out his vibroknife and handed it to his brother. “Tech said we needed to recreate Ventress’ experiment but multiple times with different variable,”

Crosshair grinned, taking the toothpick out of his mouth, “so, you want me to throw a knife at you?”

“Yes. Repeatedly,” Hunter said with a smirk, “you think you can bring yourself to do that?”

“I’ll manage,” Crosshair said, looking a little too enthusiastic for Hunter’s liking.

Hunter waded a few meters out into the bay and stood on a jagged bolder peeking out of the crystal water.

He steadied himself on the rock, feet planted firmly. The surface was slippery underneath his boots but he was able to find a place where he was comfortable, without his feet going out from under him. He closed his eyes and pulled his bandana down over them for good measure. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it properly. He heard the chatter of moon-yos scattered about the island, tasted the salt of the water on his tongue. He exhaled and listened.

The familiar schwing of the knife rang through the air as is got closer and closer. He concentrated, brow furrowed, he knew where it was, could sense it second by second as it came closer. He thrust his right arm out and caught the knife perfectly by the hilt.

“Show off,” he heard his brother mutter under his breath.

Hunter raised his arm and threw the knife back, he knew it landed perfectly at his brother’s feet, without really knowing how he knew.

“Again,” he called to Crosshair. He heard his brother take a few steps to one side, throwing it from a slightly different angle. Hunter still caught it easily. Once again sensing it tumble through the air towards him.

They kept at it, Crosshair moving this way and that, backwards and forward to try and find the perfect angle to throw his brother off his balance.

“This is a waste of time,” he called, “I think we’ve proved her point. Don’t you?”

Hunter lifted the bandana from his eye and looked at his brother. He had crossed to his paints and was getting his canvas set up, “not yet. I’ve got another idea,”

He took his blaster out from the holster on his left hip, flipped it to the stun setting and tossed it to his brother who was looking at him incredulously.

“You want me to shoot you?” he shouted

“It’s set to stun,” Hunter said with a shrug, “what’s the worst that can happen?”

“I stun you and you drown before I can get to you,” Cross offered bitterly.

“Don’t sell yourself short. I’m sure you can get to me in time. You’re much faster than you used to be,” Hunter said with a chuckle. He felt a vibration at the edge of his senses. Tech was here.

“This is not what I meant when I said test the hypothesis,” Tech said, mirroring Crosshair’s disbelief at Hunter’s recklessness.

“It’ll be fine, Tech” Hunter said quietly. He noticed Crosshair frowning over at him.

Hunter knew this was ridiculous. That there were a thousand other things he could be doing on this island paradise. But the desire to know, to prove Ventress wrong was too much to bear. He wanted to be able to tell her when he saw her next that he was an enhanced clone like his brothers, and nothing more.

Hunter thought of their time as cadets. He had been able to blend in easily with the Regs. His brothers weren’t so lucky and paid the price for it often. He couldn’t stand it. And no matter how many times he comforted them, talked them down, defended them, fought for them, they couldn’t help but stand out. They were his team, his family, and he wanted to be like them. To make the rest of the GAR respect Crosshair, Wrecker and Tech for the miracles that they were, not the freaks they were made out to be. He’d grown his hair out and gotten tattooed with the symbol of the squad on their first mission so he could represent them in the way his brothers had to every day. He needed this to go away. He was not force sensitive, he was a Batcher through and through.

Crosshair looked nervous as he raised the blaster. Hunter nodded in encouragement and lowered his bandana over his eyes once more. He heard the shot first. He felt the heat of it and an invisible string pulled him to the left, causing it to sail past him over his right shoulder. He had to give it to his brother, he was aiming for his chest.

“Let’s go again, Cross” he called without moving.

“What, precisely, are you trying to prove,” he heard Tech’s voice in his mind.

Hunter wasn’t really sure how to answer the question. “That I’m just like the rest of you,” he heard himself answer in his head. But he didn’t dare say it out loud. That was too personal, cut too close to the depths of him.

They continued over and over again. Crosshair occasionally complaining about having done it all, Hunter adamantly shouting “again” from the rock.

Crosshair was the best shot in the galaxy, even with a prosthetic hand and Hunter was still able to dodge him. How was that possible?

“Last shot, Hunter.” Crosshair called, not giving him the opportunity to argue with his tone.

There was a cacophony erupting on the beach, but Hunter pushed it aside to focus. He waited, senses tingling as he felt the bolt from the blaster explode out of the barrel. This one was coming for him square between the eyes. He felt it get closer and closer. If we went left or right, he’d be in the water. He didn’t even think about it, he just did it. He jumped, higher than he’d ever jumped before, He twisted in a corkscrew, felt his bandana slip off and landed back on the rock on one foot, facing his brother and a crowd that had seemingly gathered unnoticed. He heard the snap of the bolt hit the water.

Omega, Wrecker, Deke, Stak and Mox were scattered behind Crosshair on the beach, chasing Batcher or letting her chase them. The blue Lurka hound bounded this way and that, sand flying under her giant paws.  

“Huntah, that was great,” Omega cried, dashing to the shoreline.

Hunter jumped off the rock into the warm water and retrieved his bandana which was starting to sink beneath the surface. He gave Omegas a half-hearted smile and ruffled her hair as he walked over to Crosshair and Wrecker.

Crosshair handed him his knife and blaster.

“So, what now?”

Hunter turned to his left and looked at the vacant space next to Crosshair.

“I hate to say it. But perhaps Ventress is your only option. Only she can give you the answer you seek,” Tech said in Hunter’s head.

Hunter signed and Crosshair and Wrecker looked at him expectantly.

“Tech says I need Ventress to test me,”

“I could have told you that,” Wrecker said with a guffaw, playfully punching Hunters shoulder.

“What’s the problem,” Crosshair asked

Hunter didn’t know how to verbalize it without feeling vulnerable, childish even. “I just…I…don’t want to leave Omega. All of you. It’s not the right time.” he said lamely, sliding his knife in his sheath without looking.

Crosshair narrowed his eyes, clearly not buying it but didn’t say anything else and Hunter was grateful.

The rest of the day was spent enjoying the beauty of Pabu. Omega and the cadets made castles in the sand, Batcher chased wildlife into the bay and Crosshair finally got to paint his masterpiece.

Hunter had retreated to the shade of the cave, watching his family from afar. He spun his knife between his fingers, occasionally tossing it over his head and catching it without taking his eyes off of Omega, who was half buried in the sand, head thrown back in laughter.

Hunter felt a vibration at the edge of his senses again.

“Do you think perhaps you’re focusing on the wrong thing?” Tech said. Hunter closed his eyes and saw his younger brother’s form next to him, gazing at Omega.

“I’m sure of it,” Hunter said with a sigh. “It shouldn’t matter. Doesn’t matter.”

“Perhaps you are afraid to let yourself fully relax. Given our upbringing, you’ve always had a problem to solve. What happens to the sergeant when there is no war? No next battle”? No difficulty to fix?”

“You think it’s all in my head?” he almost whispered.

“No. I think Ventress’ observations have merit, but I do not think the truth matters to the overall outcome. Whatever gave you your skills, whether it is the Kaminoan experiments, the force or a combination of the two, you still remain who you have always been.”

Hunter paused and looked at the spot where he knew his brother to be. “You know you could have saved me a lot of trouble if you just said that the last time we spoke,” he said with a laugh.

“You have nothing to prove, Hunter. To them or to yourself.”

“I never felt…like I was really…one of you. It wasn’t the same for me on Kamino as it was for you and Wrecker and Crosshair. It just…didn’t seem fair.”

“I am aware that you were afforded opportunities we were not because you were able to blend in, Hunter. It was the reason you defended us so fiercely. We were aware of this but never felt it made you less than. We all had our afflictions to bear at the hands of the Kaminoan’s and the Regs.”

“Hmm…” Hunter grunted. “Thanks, Tech.”

“You are most welcome, brother.” Tech said, and Hunter could hear the smile in his voice. “May I suggest if you do this again you ask Wrecker instead of Crosshair? The profanity coming from Crosshair’s mouth indicated next time he wouldn’t use the stun setting.”

Hunter laughed and smiled at the empty spot next to him. “I think I’m done. But I’ll take it under advisement.”

“Huntah, we’re going to ice cream. Wanna come?” Omega had bounded over to the edge of the cave, sand covering the lower half of her body, her lurka hound dutifully following closely behind.

“I’d love to, Kid.” He said, standing up and dusting himself off. “Coming?” he said to the vacant spot next to him.

“I will stay as long as I can,” Tech said.

[drhannahasher]

@hopefulprotect

{I nodded in understanding as I heard and considered Will's words. It felt refreshing to know he believed in me. That he wanted me here in Chicago, in spite of how we left things when I relocated to California to rebuild my life. A part of me was concerned to return to Chicago. I wasn't naive... I saw how people in there watched me like I was under a microscope when I first arrived at Med today. I was aware of their disapproval and resentment over having to work with me in the OR today too. Not taking it lightly when they tried to question and counter my every move in the OR. I was great at my job. A fact that I proved today when I managed to do what was seemingly impossible when I managed to save the lives of both Alyssa and her baby today. I was neither cocky nor arrogant, but even I couldn't deny that few surgeons could have pulled off what I did today, which speaks volumes about my capabilities as a doctor and surgeon. Clearly or else Ms. Goodwin wouldn't have offered me the position that she did. She knew my history, but she also knew my abilities too, so I appreciated that she chose to see that over holding my past mistakes against me. I may not have the respect or trust from the majority of the Med staff, but at least I had Ms. Goodwin's and Will's, which honestly, was all I really wanted or needed in order for me to know that I could do this job} Thank you, Will. I appreciate the fact that you still believe in me. I'm also relieved that you don't seem to be holding our past against me. I blame myself fully for our relationship ending, but trust me, losing you isn't something I take lightly, Will. To date, it's one of my biggest regrets in my life. {I gently confessed. Knowing I may be saying too much now, but Will was honest with me, so I wanted to do the same with him now} As far as returning to Chicago goes though, I can do it. I'm the healthiest I've ever been. I'm clean. I promise you that. I'm not saying that every day is a picnic, because it's not. I have my rough days, but I'm doing the work to remain clean and healthy. {I shared honestly with Will as I took a sip on my water} I'll still take the evening to think it over, but I think it would be great to work together again. {I said with a warm smile as I lowered my glass of water back down onto the table before continuing} And if it's not too presumptuous to say this, it would be great to get to know each other again too. {I cautiously confessed. I still loved Will. That fact was clear in my mind. I just didn't know if he could ever trust me again for us to give our relationship another chance at some point down the line. I suppose you could say that jury was still out on that one though... You know, providing I do decide to take the job offered to me and I return to Chicago again}

continued

@drhannahasher

It was a big ask; a beg even for Hannah to overcome her struggles to come into Med to help me. And honestly thinking back to the call I had the low expectations she’d answer or yet come for my benefit. Hannah made it clear over a year ago when she left Chicago she left us, left me behind. It took the hold of constant rejected calls and unanswered messages to understand to see the bigger picture. She wanted nothing to do with me; she had tossed me aside when she had her relapse. And it stung; I cared I wanted to help her. I believed in her when she thought the worse version of herself. I saw the good in her; and yeah I wanted to keep her off the wagon, I knew what I was getting myself into when I fell for her. I knew she past; the struggles, but I also saw how strong she was. 

Hannah wasn’t how everyone perceived her after the accident; after being seen as a drug addict, after she left town. I believed she’d find what she was searching for. Even if it never included me. I had Jay on my back teasing about the pinning love I lost, as if he had something to say, given the fact he was not so subtle pinning for his partner might I add. Let’s just say our nights of going out for a drink had become quite frequent. But today wasn’t about my feelings, or my lack of covering what i felt for the blonde. It was about Alyssa a friend who I cared for. And her unborn child; her husband was on another table; one Ethan was working to fix, but my priority was in Hannah’s gallery because even if she didn’t want my support in the OR I was going to be in the gallery to oversea the process, I would never forgive myself if I never showed up. I was scared for Alyssa my childhood friend, but I knew the consequences if Hannah had messed up; not that I believed she would. 

Because I knew the female; she had skill, she worked with grace, which was only confirmed as I stood in the gallery. I glanced to the prying eyes of the residents; of interns who only knew of Hannah Asher through the whispers. But I saw Hannah first hand and I wanted to be proud of her. But her last comment stood in my head. “ Reunite you with Alyssa and the baby.” What does that mean? I had rack my mind on it. I was probably coming off as dumb now, but right now I was confused. Did Hannah think Alyssa and I were..? Did she believe I was the dad because of how far I fought for Alyssa? The questions kept looping around in my mind. And honestly I wouldn’t blame the blonde if she assumed. I did fight for Alyssa, I fought to get her the best care. The only OB I trusted to care for her. She was a friend someone I’d always go to bat for. But did I want to be with Alyssa? No of course not. Once a crush but now I was happy with being a doctor, of being the caring surgeon; the one that oversteps on almost every occasion. 

Hand rested on the wall; eyes glued to the scene. Hannah was working against her own OR, she was preparing to close up when it happened. She lost the stats, the baby was at risk, and Alyssa the blood flow was subsiding, I felt the lump that formed in my throat, and I knew the way her own staff spoke to her. No belief at all. I felt the rage, the anger coursing through my body. She was alone; and man it took every fiber in my body not to run down there; not to intervene, because I knew Hannah she was strong and brave, but she also felt the way people saw her. An addict. She probably wanted to run and never turn back. My heart ached for her, but I wanted to respect her boundaries which was me staying far from the OR. So I stayed in the gallery; I held my breath waiting; but by the end of the surgery I felt pride, I let out the exhale of relief i had been holding. She did it; the baby was okay, and Alyssa she was stable, I felt like I might cry over how phenomenal she was. I was proud of her; and that’s why I released my hold of the wall and I turned to leave the gallery. 

Each step I went with ease, as he walked the stairs, until I reached the ground floor. Will had made his way to the scrub room; where he knew he’d find her; as he pushed through the door he paused wanting to admire her handy work, the surgeon she was. 

“ I knew I put my faith in the right person, You did good. I don’t care what any one in that OR says, you showed what you are capable of.” And Will meant each word; as if it was close to his chest.