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steebharringt0n · 5 years ago

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cat's in the cradle

infant | toddler | child | teenager | young adult

a 5-part story exploring the relationship between billy hargrove and his first-born son, adam

pairing: billy hargrove x you

rating: t

a/n: i’ve been craving softdad!billy for literally weeks, so this happened (and yes this is based off the song cat’s in the cradle) ....

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part one - infant

Billy Hargrove was a heavy sleeper.

He could sleep through his alarm clock in high school, he could sleep through Neil screaming at him early Saturday mornings to start up his chores, hell, he could probably sleep through a White Snake concert if he wanted to.

But then Adam came along and suddenly Billy could be woken up by a mouse scurrying through his kitchen floor.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned. You both had just left Hawkins and had finally settled on a small apartment and looked over the San Diego coast. Billy was ecstatic to finally be back in California, while you were just ecstatic to be anywhere else but Hawkins. You had plans, dreams of becoming a teacher - the University of California, San Diego would help you achieve those dreams. You had gotten accepted your senior year and it just fueled you and Billy even more to leave Hawkins.

Billy however, didn’t really have much plans. “I’ll figure it out when I get there” he would huff to you after your much constant badgering.

You would just roll your eyes. You knew he had a knack for cars, so you urged him to look into automotive classes, something where he could use his hands for good - and not for punching assholes who would hit on you.

You weren’t sure when Adam was conceived. Maybe it was in the back of his camero? Maybe it was the night you both christened your new bedroom? Or that time he decided to literally christen every room (”If you think I’m not going to bend you over the kitchen counter and fuck you from behind ... “). Hell, you weren’t sure. But when your aunt flo decided to stop visiting - panic started to set in.

Logically, you thought through this in a poor effort to keep yourself from freaking out.

Maybe it was the stress of the move? Maybe you just overworked yourself too much?

But when you ran down the street, hair wild and eyes wide, to the nearest pharmacy, and you held the pregnancy box in your trembling hands, you knew.

Call it a motherly instinct, but you knew you were pregnant - and Billy Hargrove’s dick was the reason for it.

You slammed down a ten dollar bill to the cashier and ran back up to your apartment. Billy was out meeting with old friends - you knew he wouldn’t be back for a while. So you were left alone, alone with a pregnancy test with 2 pink strips in your ugly yellow bathroom.

After reading said positive pregnancy test, you proceeded to bond with your toilet, expelling all of your breakfast from earlier in the morning.

There were a couple of things that instantly came into your mind soon after:

1. your dreams of becoming a teacher were effectively put on pause 2. this apartment was not big enough for a baby 3. how the hell were you going to tell Billy?

The thoughts continued to swirl around your head as you continued to bond with your toilet - but you knew the biggest challenged that poised itself to you was telling your mullet haired-anger prone-’I hate kids’ boyfriend who you knew would not be the slightest bit happy that you were carrying his little spawn.

A little Billy. The image of a little boy with dirty blonde curls and a wide smile popped into your mind. Leaning against your bathroom door, your hand instinctively reached down and placed it against your belly.

Call it another motherly instinct - but you knew it was going to be a boy.

“Hey little guy ... whether your dad loves you or not, I’m going to love you” you spoke softly to the little being inside of you.

Your happy baby thoughts were shattered when you heard Billy walk in through the front door. You glanced at the pregnancy test in your hand - well, it was now or never. Putting on your best brave face, you stood up and stomped right over to him.

He stared at you, his blue eyes wide in surprise as you shoved the pregnancy test in his hand.

“Listen, I know you don’t want kids - hell, I know you hate kids, but this is our baby, my baby, and I’m keeping it”

You ended with a huff, crossing your arms and avoiding his soft gaze. You fully expected him to leave, to pack up his stuff and scram out of here.

But Billy Hargrove is full of never-ending surprises.

“You’re pregnant?” he squeaked out.

You turned to look at him and your expression soften. Your arms fell to your side as you let out an loud exhale from your nose, “Well ... yeah, we’ve fucked like non-stop these last couple of months”

Billy stood quiet.

You stood quiet.

Everything was suddenly quiet.

You continued to stare at him as his eyes never left the pink pregnancy test in his hand.

Fuck he was going to become a father.

“I don’t want to be like Neil” he suddenly blurted out.

Your shoulders relaxed and you let out a soft sigh. You felt a pang in your heart as he uttered those words. You knew he wouldn’t be like Neil - he had grown so much from the old Billy Hargrove who bullied his way to the top of Hawkins High. He still had his moments but everyday was progress.

You walked over to him and scooped him up in your arms, pressing your head in his chest. He smelt like cigarettes and mints - a familiar scent that comforted you in times of despair.

“You’re never going to be like Neil. You’re going to be a good father, the best. I’ll be with you along the way”

He then proceeded to cup your face and kiss you with so much passion and vigor that you swore that your knees were going to give out.

It wasn’t just you and Billy anymore - it was you, Billy and the baby now.

Plans were suddenly shifted, doctor appointments were suddenly made, and life suddenly turned upside down.

You had decided to defer your acceptance to the University of California. Accepting an office job nearby to start saving up money. Billy started work at the local automotive repair shop.

The first 20 weeks of your pregnancy were absolutely fantastic. You had the pregnancy glow, and no morning sickness. You were rocking this pregnancy and on top of that, you were horny,

All. The. Time.

You couldn’t keep your hands off of Billy, and he was more happy to help fulfill your needs.

In the shower, in the kitchen, on the couch, on the bed, in the camero, and almost - almost, on the balcony.

At your 20 weeks appointment, your motherly instinct was confirmed. You were indeed having a boy.

A little Billy, and big Billy couldn’t have been any more happier with the news.

Not that he didn’t mind a little girl, someone who looked exactly like you, but he was excited to teach him how to surf, how to fix cars, how to play baseball. Be the father that Neil never was to him.

To say the rest of your pregnancy went smooth sailing was a lie.

Suddenly something went off like a switch in your baby boy and he wouldn’t stop kicking, wouldn’t stop turning, and was giving you so much heartburn you couldn’t eat Mexican food for weeks - and that’s all that you were craving. Your ankles had swollen up, and walking was almost impossible.

“I’m so fat” you sobbed to Billy one night. Your hormones were making you certifiably crazy and all Billy could do was hold you in his arms, peppering kisses all over your head.

“You’re so beautiful, you’re carrying my baby, our baby” he murmured to you, comforting you as best as he could.

Your water broke a couple weeks later and you were laying on the hospital bed, squeezing Billy’s hand so hard that you swore you were going to break it. But he stayed by your side, encouraging you with every push until you both heard the most beautiful scream in the world.

Adam William Hargrove came into this world kicking and screaming, a tuft of dusky blond hair, a set of piercing blue eyes. He looked everything like Billy and nothing like you - not that you minded of course - you knew your bouncing baby boy was going to be a heartbreaker like his father.

You held the little boy in your arms, his arms and legs flailing around as he searched for warmth.

“Hi, hi little guy ... I’m your mom” you cooed to him, your fingers gently combing back his hair.

Billy laid beside you on the hospital bed, holding you in his arms as the both of you gazed down on your little boy in wonder.

10 fingers and 10 toes, he was absolutely perfect. Worth every second of the pregnancy.

2 months later you both settled yourself into a routine with Adam. You’d stay at home while Billy worked, and the afternoons were spent together. Either walking down the boardwalk, heading to the beach, or just hanging inside. The three of you were a little family and every time you saw Billy hold Adam against his chest, you swore your heart was going to explode.

It was one particular night that you could not get Adam to sleep. Relentless, like his father, stubborn, like his mother. It was nearing to be 12 AM and your eyes were begging you to sleep, hell you wouldn’t have mind passing out on the floor but his screams were piercing and you just did not know what to do at this point.

Adam was fed, he was changed, you checked him to see if anything was hurting him.

But nothing, his wailing's still continued.

“C’mon buddy ... what is it? What do you need?” you muttered, gently patting his back as his head laid in the crook of your neck.

Billy suddenly appeared at the door of Adam’s bedroom, leaning his body on the frame of the door. A smirk adorned his face as he watched you in amusement.

“Sleep much?”

“Ha-ha” you deadpanned.

“Here, let me try” he said, walking over and taking Adam from your hands.

“Good luck, I’ve been trying to put him to sleep for the last hour, but if he’s anything like you ... “ you trailed off and he threw you a look.

“I know my son, and I know I can put him to sleep” he teased. You stuck your tongue out at him, wiggling your ass as you waltzed back into your bedroom, throwing yourself to your bed.

“Keep wiggling that ass and Adam will soon have a little brother!” he shouted at you down the hall.

You didn’t answer him as you quickly fell into a deep slumber, finally letting your body dissolve within your bed sheets.

Billy held Adam’s little body with his hand, his other hand cradled his head. He gently rocked him back and forth as his cries still echoed throughout the apartment. An idea suddenly popped into his head, if his son was anything like him, this would instantly put him to sleep.

He walked out into the living room and towards the bookcase that held the millions of records that you and Billy had collected throughout the years of being together. He pulled out Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy, balancing Adam in one hand, and placed it on the record player.

The familiar guitar strum of The Rain Song played quietly throughout the apartment. Billy adjusted Adam in his arms, letting the tiny baby rest his head in his chest as he rocked back and forth to the song, planting small kisses on the top of his head.

But I know that I love you so Oh, but I know That I love you so These are the seasons of emotion And like the wind, they rise and fall

The melody of the song woke you back up - not that you minded, you were curious to see what Billy was up to. All dressed in one of Billy’s button up shirts as your pajamas, you quietly walked over to the living room, peering around the corner as you watched your boyfriend and son sway slowly to the music. You felt tears prick your eyes at the scene unfolding in front of you, it filled your heart with so much love you felt you were about to burst.

Billy glanced up and spotted you, “Well if he’s anything like me, he’d fall asleep to Led Zeppelin ... “ he casually explained. You sauntered over to him, Billy reached his free arm out and pulled you close to him. The both of you slowly swayed together as Adam quietly, and slowly fell asleep on his father’s chest. His eyes fluttering shut as your fingers caressed his chubby cheek.

“See, told ya I could” Billy smirked.

“Keep it up Hargrove and Adam won’t have any siblings” you warned.

Billy let out a chuckle and kissed the top of your head, squeezing you tightly against his body.

Thing didn’t quite necessarily go as the two of you planned, hell things never quite do, but right now, life was as perfect as it could be.

And for right now, that was okay.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove x you #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove imagine

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marvelous-writer · 5 years ago

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If You Can’t Take the Heat

Summary: Peter gets sick while visiting the Stark’s at their lake house during his summer vacation and discovers a negative side effect to his powers. His sensitivity to spicy foods.

Whumptober Day One: Shaky Hands

@whumptober2019

Link to read on Ao3

Peter’s discovered a lot of things that have changed about himself ever since being bitten by that spider and getting his powers. His asthma that he’s had for as long as he can remember was now completely gone, he no longer needed glasses, he needed to eat a whole lot more than the average person, he got colder in the winter and sometimes warmer in the summer, and a whole bunch of other things. His powers came with both positives and negatives.

One of those negatives, being his newfound sensitivity to spicy foods.

He’s not really sure how or why it started, but a few weeks ago he went out to dinner with May and Happy, and they ordered buffalo wings as one of their appetizers. Peter ended up eating a good amount of them, too but he woke up hours later around one-thirty in the morning, to his chest cramping and burning away. He ended up dismissing it as heartburn and chewed on a few Tums tablets, which seemed to do the trick.

Little did he know at the time, that it would soon become an issue for him.

This time around, however… it was worse than the first time it happened.

Way worse.

For the past few days, Peter’s been staying at the Stark’s lake house for the summer, enjoying his days playing outside and swimming in the lake with Morgan, and being able to just relax after a stressful year at school since blipping back.

Pepper ended up making a delicious Mexican chicken dish last night for dinner, with rice and beans on the side. Peter helped himself to at least two generous helpings of it, thinking nothing of his newfound issue with spicy foods since he hasn’t had any issues lately.

Until now.

…….

Peter wakes up to a dull ache in his chest. He rolls over on his side and tries to ignore it so he could go back to sleep, but it only seems to get worse as the minutes passed by.

“Oh no… not again.” He mumbles to himself in the darkness of his room and closes his eyes.

He knows this horrible burning, cramping sensation all too well by now.

Peter huffs out an annoyed sigh and slowly pushes himself into a sitting position, wincing as the movement sends a spike of pain through his aching chest. He grabs the spare pillow from the other side of the bed and throws it behind him, adjusting the three pillows so he can prop himself up. He once read on some medical website that people suffering from heartburn should sit up as straight as they could so their stomach acids stayed down.

Peter closes his eyes once again and tries to relax, hoping to fall asleep and wake up feeling better.

Only that doesn’t happen.

The Parker Luck strikes again.

Peter wakes up sometime later and instantly regrets it. His chest was absolutely burning. It feels like someone’s inside his chest, squeezing him. Peter leans his head back against the pillows, his head bumping against the wooden headboard as he lets out a pained groan.

Why does this always have to happen to him?

A particularly sharp cramp runs through his chest and he winces, gritting his teeth as he squeezes his eyes shut. When the pain subsides, he’s slightly breathless as he tries to come up with a plan.

When this was over, he wasn’t going to eat another spicy thing for the rest of his life. But for now, he needed to find some Tums, and fast before this gets any worse. The only problem is that he isn’t sure if he can get out of bed in his current state with the amount of pain he’s in.

Peter debates on asking FRIDAY to wake Tony up, but the last thing he wants is to do is risk waking Pepper up as well. They both need all the sleep they can get with Morgan’s crazy six year old energy that never seems to let up.

So he was on his own here.

Peter grits his teeth with a pained groan as he leans forward, his chest convulsing painfully, feeling like someone was twisting his insides and lighting a match to them. A fiery pain spreads through his ribs, causing him to grasp his sides tightly.

He crossed his legs underneath the blankets and leans down, resting his forehead on the mattress in front of his feet, desperately trying to relive some of the pain. But it doesn’t help.

A frustrated sound escapes from his lips and he slowly sits back up, face twisted in discomfort as he breathes heavily through his nose, trying to breathe through the pain. His stomach churns away with boiling hot lava, only adding to his misery.

Peter eases himself back against his pillows with a low groan, grimacing when another wave of fire races up his chest.

Why did he have to eat all of that spicy chicken last night? It had just been so good that he couldn’t really stop himself from having more.

Peter’s brows pull together as he glances over at the alarm clock on his desk, the bright red glowing lights reading four-fifteen in the morning.

It’s way too early to be dealing with this crap.

He closes his eyes and leans forward again, resting his forehead against the mattress in hopes to relieve some of the pain coursing through his body.

He stays like that for a few long, dreadful minutes before a wave of nausea rolls over him. The last thing he wanted to do was puke all over himself and his bed. That would be a pain in the butt to clean up. Peter groans and slowly lifts his head, forcing himself to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed.

“Lights, FRIDAY.” He mumbles as he gets to his feet, the lights dimly kicking on.

He stumbles out into the dark hallway, one hand out to fell for the wall so he didn’t bump into anything, while his other hand wraps around his ribs, pressing down against the fiery inferno raging in his chest. He walks past Morgan’s room and takes a few more steps until his hand brushes up against the wooden door frame of the bathroom. His fingers brush up against the light switch and he flips it on, closing his eyes from the sudden brightness. He blindly walks in and closes the door as quietly as he can behind himself.

Peter squints in the harsh LED lights as he slowly pads over to the toilet and opens the lid before taking a seat on the edge of the bathtub. Another sharp, painful cramp hits his chest and Peter lets out a miserable groan, bending over so his forehead rests against his knees. He reaches up and massages his sides in hopes to relieve some of the burning coming from his ribs, but it does nothing to help.

He’s in so much pain right now, that he seriously doubts Tums could help him at this point.

Maybe he needs to throw up?

Apparently his body doesn’t care to give him the time to think about his options, because another wave of nausea rolls over him, hot saliva rapidly filling his mouth.

Peter jumps to his feet and takes a few quick steps over to the toilet before he gingerly lowers himself down to the floor and leans over the bowl, spitting out a string of saliva. He kneels there, and waits for the inevitable, hunched over the toilet, only nothing happens.

“Come on…” Peter mumbles miserably and closes his eyes.

He waits for a few moments before he tries tightening his stomach muscles in desperation, wincing from the sharp cramp he gets in response. He does it again and stretches the back of his throat to test his gag reflex. Something shifts inside of his stomach followed by an unhappy sounding gurgle. Peter stretches his throat a few more times before another wave of nausea comes over him, forcing a gag out of his mouth.

But nothing comes up.

“Come on, please.” Peter whines into the bowl, eyes watering.

He just wants to get this over with.

Peter stretches his throat out again and gags, feeling something warm finally shoot up from his stomach. He heaves as a small amount of vomit spews out of his mouth and into the toilet. He blinks away the tears in his eyes and sees undigested chunks of last night’s dinner floating around in the water. The sight has him sticking his head over the toilet once again, throwing up.

Peter lets out a hoarse groan when it finally stops, his chest burning and cramping away still. He pushes away from the toilet, seeming to be done for the moment, and lies down on the cold tiled floor, only to feel something horribly warm slosh around in his stomach, not allowing him to lay down on his side. Peter groans again and pushes himself back up, tears continuing to slide down his cheeks as he hunches over, pressing his face against his right leg.

He’s so tired and all he wants to do is just lie down, but he can’t with how much pain he’s in.

A knock suddenly comes at the door but he can’t bring himself to move.

“Pete? You okay in there?” Tony’s groggy voice comes from the other side.

“No…” Peter answers without moving his head from his leg.

“I’m coming in, alright?” Tony tells him as the bathroom door slowly creaks open.

Peter hears footsteps approach him before he feels a warm hand on his back, gently rubbing up and down along his spine.

“Oh, kiddo..” Tony sympathetically says. “You’re not feeling so hot, huh?”

“No.” Peter miserably shakes his head as he slowly sits up, hunched over his lap.

Tony was kneeling on the floor beside him, brows pulled together in concern as he watches him. Peter tightly closes his eyes when he feels another burst of heat coarse through his chest, coiling around each of his ribs in a death grip. He groans and leans forward a bit, gritting his teeth.

Tony’s hand pauses on his back. “What’s going on? What hurts?” He asks, tone filled with worry.

“E-Everything.” Peter groans out. “I f-feel like I’m on f-fire.”

“Was it something you ate?”

“Think so.” Peter slowly nods.

Another wave of nausea crashes over him, along with a mouthful of saliva. Peter lunges for the toilet, Tony’s hand falling away from his back, just in time before he painfully retches.

Peter violently gags into the porcelain bowl as more undigested chunks of his dinner come back up, splashing down into the water. It hurts coming back up. His throat starts to absolutely burn as he continues throwing up, struggling to get it all out. He gasps in between violent heaves, feeling some of it get lodged in his throat, tears freely flowing down his cheeks.

Peter coughs up more bile, throat raw and burning. He lets out a breathy, pained groan that echoes in the toilet as he leans his head against the cold rim, squeezing his eyes closed.

“You’re alright… You’re okay…” Tony softly murmurs at his side, his hand rubbing small, comforting circles on his back in between his shoulders.

A violent shiver races through Peter at that moment, his teeth chattering together. His stomach was still churning away, along with the fiery sensation running through his chest and ribs, which were both thankfully starting to ease up a bit.

Tony gets up at some point and grabs him a cup of ice water, helping Peter sit up to sip at it. Peter swishes it around in his mouth before spitting out into the toilet.

“Try to take a few small sips. It’ll help.”

“I’ll just puke again.” Peter miserably mumbles, but he takes a sip anyways, feeling it go all the way down his throat with how cold it is.

Peter hands him the cup back with shaking hands and Tony places it up on the sink countertop for the time being.

A few minutes pass by before Peter finds himself sticking his head into the toilet once again, throwing up acidic, watery vomit that shoots out from both his mouth and nose. It lasts for what feels like forever, leaving him gasping and coughing.

When he’s able to catch his breath, Tony hands him a wad of toilet tissue and Peter blows his nose, dropping it in the toilet. Tony reaches over for him and flushes the toilet, not seeming to even be fazed by the water’s contents. When the water stills once again, Peter lifts his shaking arms up and leans them on the toilet rim, pillowing his head on top. He tightly closes his eyes, shivering from the coldness of the bathroom, feeling Tony rubbing his back again.

He isn’t sure how much time has passed before he feels his shoulder being lightly shaken, taking him out of his light doze. He groggily opens his heavy eyes and turns his head, meeting Tony’s concerned ones.

“Think you’re done for now?”

“Think so…” Peter nods as he raised his head, slowly rising from his hunched over position against the toilet.

“Let’s get you back into bed, kiddo. I don’t want you sleeping on the floor.” Tony softly tells him as he stands up, knees clicking in protest.

He bends down and helps Peter get to his wobbly, weak legs, guiding the sick and exhausted teenager back to his room. Tony fixes the pillows on his bed before he helps Peter lie down, propped up against the pillows.

“I’m c-cold.” Peter stutters out, still shivering.

“That happens sometimes when you’re sick.” Tony sympathetically tells him as he pulls the blankets up, trying to cover the shivering teen as best as he could in his partial vertical position. “There you go, bud.”

Peter lets his head roll to rest on his shoulder as he blinks sleepily up at him, feeling completely drained. He’s immensely grateful that the cramps and burning were almost gone, replaced by a dull ache from all of the puking he’d done.

“The fire’s gone.” Peter sleepily mumbles.

“That’s good.” Tony says as he reaches a hand up and brushes a strand of curls away from Peter’s sweaty forehead. He frowns and brings the back of his hand to Peter’s forehead. “You’re a little warm. Hey, FRIDAY, what’s the kid’s temp at?”

“Peter’s temperature is steadily resting at one hundred and two point seven, boss. I recommend ibuprofen and a cold compress to bring it down.” The AI’s Irish accented voice comes through the speakers in the ceiling.

Tony nods to himself as he stands up from the bed. “I’m going to grab you some meds. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Peter hums in response as his eyes slip closed, hearing footsteps retreat from his room leaving him in silence. He hears the stairs creaking a few minutes later, footsteps heading back to his room. Peter forces open his heavy eyes, just as Tony walks in, a tumblr filled with a blue beverage in one hand, a washcloth in the other.

“I got you some Gatorade to wash the pills down.” Tony says as he puts the tumblr down on the nightstand, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

Peter snakes his hand out from under the blankets and reaches out a shaky hand, taking the two pills from Tony.

“These my super drugs?” He sleepily asks, earning a laugh from Tony.

“That they are, fresh from Bruce’s lab. He cooked those up just for you.” He softly smiles as he passes him his drink.

“Mmh… he’s really nice.” Peter murmurs as he swallows down the pills with a sip of the sweet berry flavored drink. He loves Glacier Freeze. It was the king of all Gatorades.

He rests the tumblr against his chest as he sips away at it slowly, mindful of his stomach that could rebel against him if he overdid it. The pills were risky enough.

After a few more sips Peter leans his head back against the mountain of pillows behind his head, feeling like he could fall asleep at any second.

“All done?” Tony asks as he reaches out for the drink.

Peter tiredly nods and lets him take it out of his hands as he lets out a yawn, wincing when his throat protests against the movement. Tony picks up the washcloth from the nightstand and drapes it over Peter’s forehead, relief flowing through him with the coolness it brings him.

“There you go, kiddo.” Tony murmurs as he began to run his fingers through the teen’s curls.

Peter lets out a small, content breath through his nose and closes his eyes, feeling his body relax under Tony’s hand, leaning into the comforting touch. As the minutes pass by, he feels himself beginning to drift off as everything around him starts to blur together.

“Goodnight, kiddo… feel better.” He faintly hears Tony say to him, before he falls into a deep, peaceful sleep.

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thehoodsweetheart · 6 years ago

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Sandcastles | Part. II

A/N: You guys asked for Part 2 so here we are! I could create a whole playlist for the songs that inspired this. I hope you guys enjoy it. There may be a few errors. I’ve been trying to push this out for a while.

Warnings: Fuckboy!Erik (cont.), Some Angst, Mentions of Smut

Summary: If you have not read Sandcastles Part 1, please do so before reading this. Although, it may not be totally necessary to do so but it helps. The reader is a Black Woman, always has been always will be.

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You dragged the half-full black Nike duffle bag along the edge of Iman’s closet. Your hands worked diligently taking the various dresses, onesies, sweaters, and pants off of their hangers. You worked strategically folding them to maximize the amount that could fit into the duffle. Thus far, all of drawers in Iman’s dresser were cleared and you were half way through the closet. You never realized your baby had so many clothes. Maybe you shouldn’t take everything? Nah, scratch that. Pack it all.

Where were you going? The last place most people would think to find you and you found solace in that, your twin brother’s house. In his words, he had a big ass house that he was barely at. Yes, you are a twin but when your parents divorced they thought the arrangement of your brother staying with your father and you your mother was a logical idea. They were wrong. On you guy’s seventh birthday, your dad moved and took JR with him to Louisiana and somewhere between holidays and summer visits, your very own twin became like a stranger. That is until you guys matured enough to forage your own relationship, which has innately gotten better since he started playing for the Los Angeles Rams.

You glanced at the white digital clock that sat atop of Iman’s changing table. You inhaled deeply wiping the few droplets of sweat away from your brow. Your eyes shifted to the sleeping Iman in her crib. She was taking her morning nap right on schedule. It was hell trying to get her to go to sleep because apparently during your time away, Iman had grown used to sleeping on her father’s chest. You hadn’t realized it but for a moment you had been holding your breath. Exhaling slowly, you felt the familiar churning of your stomach. Fuck, not again. You had to work faster. You needed to work faster. Time was of the essence and this morning sickness was only slowing you down.

If we’re being honest, the term morning sickness wasn’t even applicable. You had all day sickness. You couldn’t keep a single thing down, not even water, which was a concern. You dropped the onesie that you had in hand and rushed to the nearest bathroom. You toppled over spilling whatever contents were left in your stomach into the toilet; at this point it was nothing but bile. You dry heaved as a stray tear escaped your eye. You weren’t even this sick when you were pregnant with Iman. Pregnancy with her was relatively easy. You didn’t have many aches and pains, nor excessive sickness, or extreme cravings. You biggest challenge with her was heartburn and you loved spicy food. Erik would argue that your mood swings were the biggest challenge. Fuck Erik. Your chest tightened with just the thought of him.

Your phone pinged alerting you of a new text. You pulled yourself together brushing your teeth trying not to gag and end hunched over the toilet once again. You returned to Iman’s nursery picking up your phone. It was a text from JR.

Wazzam sis? Where you at? You good? You need me to come over there?

I’m still packing. I’m good, just a little sick. It’s slowing me down.

Just get what you can. I’ll send some movers to get the rest of your stuff if you need me to. I know you’re trying to get out of there before your boy gets back.

You stared blankly at your brother’s last text. Your lips pressed together in a thin line as your heart rate increase. You needed to be out before Erik got back.

I’ll be on my way within the next 30 minutes. Maybe less.

You quickly texted back. At least you hoped to be out within that timeframe.

Erik finally returned to work today so it was your golden opportunity. It had been three days since you returned home. The first two days were filled with avoidance on your part. You slept in one of the guestrooms with the door locked. Tiptoed through the house as if it weren’t your house too. A soon as Erik entered one of the common areas you were in you were quick on your toes to make an exit. This couldn’t last long though. You couldn’t avoid him while occupying the same home. The more you avoided him, the longer you knew he would stay home from work.

Erik was trying to apologize in the best ways he knew how. There we gifts that he strategically placed in Iman’s nursery because he knew you had to go in there. It only earned him a scoff and an eye roll. You couldn’t be bought. He tried ordering food from your favorite Mexican restaurant. Erik even cooked which he hasn’t done in over a month. You gladly accepted the food but opted to eat alone. The food would’ve been a nice sentiment if you could make it through a meal without vomiting. Then came the flowers, the obnoxious amount of flowers that practically covered the entire house. Each bouquet had a hand written apology that you didn’t give him the gratification of reading in front of him. He had been walking on eggshells knowing you would make good on your promise to leave, but you pulled a “him” to appease his worries.

Making your way to bedroom to grab some of your essentials, you could only wonder if somehow what you were doing or did could in anyway backfire. You cringed at the thought. You were honestly repulsed at your actions from last night and this morning. If you knew anything about your husband, you knew he was smart. Scratch that, he’s a genius. But would he catch on?

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You peaked into the in-home gym watching intently as Erik lifted weights. He laid back bench-pressing an obscene amount of weights. Jaw clinched, eyebrows knitted close together, eyes intently fixed on the metal bar above him Erik had to be deep in thought. The sweat that dripped down his chest drenched his shirt causing it to cling to his body. Based on his usual nightly routine, you knew his workout would be done within the next 10 to 15 minutes before he was done. You shook your clammy hands in front of you before clasping them together. You still needed to work up the courage to follow through with your plan but that would have to be enough time.

You jogged upstairs to get your head start. Cracking the bedroom door, you peaked inside of nursery to ensure Iman was in a deep sleep. Turning on your toes you took quick strides to the master bedroom. You made your way around you and Erik’s bedroom to the adjoining bathroom. You leaned against your vanity staring at your reflection in the mirror. Your coffin shaped nails tapped against the marble top. You had wasted enough time.

You turned on the shower adjusting the temperature. You stripped out of your clothes, put on a shower cap, and stepped into the steaming hot shower. You closed your eyes allowing your mind to roam as the water hit your body. There were still so many unanswered questions. Some questions that Erik refused to answer and plenty of questions you dared not ask, because honestly did you really need those answers. Would you feel better if you knew how long the affair lasted? If it was only a few times or did they fuck all the time? Who fucks better? Is that even a determining factor in if you could forgive him? Did he know her prior to the internship or was his attraction to her why he hired her?

You clenched and unclenched your fist ignoring the burning sensation of water temperature being a bit too hot. The more you thought about it, the angrier you could feel yourself become. How dare he betray your trust for the second time? Your grandma always said fool me once shame one you, fool me twice shame on me, and if you get fooled three times you are a goddamn fool. You began to scrub at your skin increasing the burning sensation. It was too bad you couldn’t wash away the disgust. You wanted to him to hurt like he made hurt. Not even physical pain, but the mental and emotional pain you endured leading up to this very moment. That’s exactly why you couldn’t stay there much longer, but leaving is always harder than it seems.

The sound of the bathroom door opening caught you off guard causing you to jump out of your thoughts. Your eyes snapped open to see Erik entering the bathroom with his wireless Beats by Dre headphones on. He stopped dead in his tracks taking in the view of you. A mixture of emotions flashed through his eyes the most prominent being uncertainty. You scrambled to cover yourself with your arms as if this wasn’t your husband who’d seen you naked plenty of times.

“I’ll be out soon.” You called out. This was the most you had spoken to him in two days.

Erik took off the headphones dragging his tongue across his bottom lip the glint from his gold fangs flashed. He pulled the sweat- drenched tee over his head facing you the entire time not breaking eye contact. His eyes were filled with remorse, a flash of that lost puppy look washing over his face. He nodded in appreciation of your voice holding on to every sound of every syllable. As short of a sentence it may have been, it was better than your silence. Shit, even being cussed out was better than silence. Silence just made the situation marinate. It straight up made him feel like shit.

“Nah…you don’t gotta rush.” Erik swaggered back into their room.

Letting out an uneasy sigh, a devious smirk formed on your lips. It was show time. You quickly rinsed off before grabbing your towel wrapping it tightly around your body and snatching off the shower cap. You picked up your lotion from your vanity then strutted into your room. You completely ignored Erik’s presence as you proceeded to dry off in front of the floor length mirror in your room. You could feel his gaze piercing into you. It made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You glanced up through the mirror to see him watching you as if you were prey. He sat on the edge of the bed, legs spread, as he hunched forward with a more predatory look in his eyes dreads falling into his face.

You broke the gaze maintaining a stoic, unbothered expression. This was all a game and you were about to have fun with it. You proceeded to point your foot placing it on the edge of the bed as you rubbed in your lotion at an agonizingly slow pace. It would only be a matter of a few moments before you would get the reaction you were seeking, the reaction that you were taunting out of Erik. You knew he had the audacity.

Erik stood up rounding the bed acting as though he was searching for something within your proximity. You rolled your eyes at his obviousness. By now you had switched legs, beginning to moisturize the other. As you leaned forward, arching your back some you began to work the Shea Butter starting from your ankle, leading to your calf, then your thigh. Your hands inched closer to the apex of your thigh when Erik’s hand got a firm hold of your wrist, the front of his body being pressed against the back of yours. You cut your eyes at him.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the shower?” Your words laced with attitude.

“Yea but not yet” He mumbled huskily against your ear. “Let me help you with this…It’s the least I could do.” Erik nibbled at the rim of your ear. “…The least I could do to show you how sorry I really am.”

You tried to suppress a moan as he flicked his tongue across the flesh just below your ear as his calloused hand kneaded at the apex of your thighs. Your back arched more pressing your ass firmer against him. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but as angry as you still were with him, your body was betraying you. The pulse, that’s right an actual heartbeat, you felt at your center let you know the tough ‘act’ was over. The glaze on your lower lips that was beginning to drip onto your inner thighs just solidified it. His nose rubbed along the side of your neck as he leaned more into you.

“N’Jadaka…” You whined in protest only to receive a dark chuckle in response.

“See princess…all you gotta do is give Daddy permission.”

Erik stuffed one hand into the mess of your thick curls gripping them in his fist. You sucked air through clenched teeth from his sudden roughness. He forced you to look in his eyes, something you refused to do for extended periods of time of the last few days, before capturing you in an intoxicated kiss.

You hated how you craved him. How your body craved him. How lust could supersede hurt and anger. How your flesh burned and yearned for salacious acts only he could provide. At least that’s what you tried to tell yourself, right? It all happened in a blur. You tried to rationalize through every kiss, lick, bite, and tug at flesh, that this is what you needed to do. You needed him open and what better way to breakdown his wall of paranoia. Or were you the one open? How could you not be repulsed by stooping this low in an act of manipulation? You knew he would leap at the opportunity to fuck you into submission and forgiveness if possible. He’d better enjoy it because it would be the last time he would get to. Little did Erik know, he was far from forgiven. Did he honestly think you would give in after being home for three days? Wrong. You only confronted him about his escapades eight days prior.

But now here you were, in control as your hips rose and fell, your aching core gripping his entire length thoroughly stretched to accommodate his girth. Your head thrown back eyes shut tightly. Erik delivered a powerful smack on your ass that only served as encouragement and motivation. You peered down at him through hooded eyes biting down on your bottom lip. You dragged your nailed down his studded chest and abs. It was time to pick up the pace. You bounced faster being sure to tighten you walls each time you reached the tip. The tip hitting your spot at just the right angle every time encouraged your cream to both of your thighs. The room was filled with sounds of flesh slapping and the sloshing of your sex. When Erik reached to grip your hips you slapped his hands away. You knew he wanted to gain control but this was a revenge fuck. He let out a growl as his abs flexed. Despite reforming over the years, your husband still thrived on power. A lack of power would only frustrate him. You were on the verge of cumming so he power trip would have to wait. A slue of curse words followed letting you know you had him just where you wanted him. It was also only a matter of time before he would take over…and that he did.

You passed out cumming and woke up the next morning on the verge of cumming. One leg raised in the air cuffed in his brolic arm, he was buried so deep in you from the side that you felt winded. You didn’t know if you wanted to curse him out or sing praises, so you did both. The overwhelming sensation brought tears to your eyes that Erik gladly kissed away while whispering yet another apology. If you weren’t already pregnant, you would’ve surely ended pregnant after this escapade.

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You blinked a few times at your reflection in the mirror. Purplish bruises cover your neck and the tops of your breast. You zipped up your hoodie to the top in efforts to hide them. You didn’t even want anyone to have a clue that you had sex with Erik after he cheated on you. Imagine being embarrassed of sleeping with your own husband. A heavy sigh escaped your lips as your broke away from your trance. You had to move on and move fast. You sped walked into your walk-in closet grabbing a tote immediately grabbing some essentials like under garments, a track suit, sundresses, and sandals. You grabbed enough clothes to last you until you called a moving company to pick up the rest of your things the next day. Next on your to do list was the bathroom to pack your hygienic products. Your eyes darted around the room. Was there anything important you were forgetting? You surely hoped not.

You waltzed over to the stand pulling out a notepad you used to keep in there. You pulled out the pen that was wedged into the spirals. The devil on your shoulder was back at it again as the pen glided across the page. Your pettiness was getting the best of you.

Erik,

If you’re reading this, then you should know that we’re gone. Don’t come looking for us. Fuck marriage counseling. This marriage was over when you decided to have a second affair. I won’t keep Iman away from you, but I never want to see your sorry ass ever again. I’ll have my mom or somebody bring her to you for visits. As far as baby #2, I’ll have you informed when I’m in labor.

P.S. I hope you enjoyed last night and this morning. Now you know how it feels to be fucked into thinking everything is okay.

Love, Y/n Udaku-Stevens

You ripped off the page setting it on top of the nightstand. You twisted your wedding ring and bands off in one motion setting them on top of the note before grabbing your tote and heading back to Iman’s nursery. You made sure to slip off her Kimoyo beads leaving them in her crib. You had taken yours off the first time you left eight days ago. You swiftly situated Iman into her car seat. You would have to carry her and you guys’ bags, but this wasn’t something you were unaccustomed to. You carried her with plenty of grocery bags whenever Erik was out of town or just simply not around.

As you finished loading your truck, you paused. This was it. How would Erik react coming home to two being gone…for good. You knew he suffered from issues of abandonment. Were you adding to his problems of being alone? It could definitely trigger it. You groaned resting your forehead on the car’s door. You couldn’t pity him. He clearly didn’t care about how you felt anymore.

You hopped into the driver’s seat and proceeded to drive off. You drove away from the house that was supposed to be a home to build your family. You didn’t want to stay there though. It wasn’t home anymore. Just being there gave your chest a heavy feeling. If you did stay, making Erik leave would be another fight that you just didn’t have the energy for. In so many ways you found home in Erik, yet that was gone too. Your very concept of home washed away like sandcastles to a tide.

You didn’t even bother to turn on the radio. You were too deep into your thoughts. You opted to start over. This was your decision. You could go back to work and find a new place to call home. You could figure out how to create a new normal for you and Iman. But how you would deal with two kids under two years old alone? What if you were pregnant with twins? That would be like God playing some type of sick joke on you. You bit your bottom lip using your thumb to hastily wipe way a single stray tear, before refocusing on the road. Whatever the future circumstance would be you couldn’t worry about it. You had to deal with your problems in the right now.

Tag List: @yoyolovesbucky @beaut1fulone-blog @sarcastic-sunshines

If I forgot to tag you and you asked, I’m soo sorry!

#erik killmonger x reader #erik killmonger x oc #erik killmonger imagine #erik killmonger #black panther #erik killmonger x black!reader #black panther imagine #black panther rec #sandcastles #sandcastles part 2

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writings-of-a-crazy-lady · 7 years ago

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Edge of Eternity

Chapter Six – Secrets

“You’re not Bella or Charlie,” the tinkling voice made me jump, my hand fluttering to my heart. I hadn’t known what to expect but the skinny flip of a girl in front of me wasn’t it. She had an adorable haircut and she looked much like a ballerina, even the few steps she took gave away that much. Or a pixie actually. Yeah, a pixie fit her better.

“No, I’m Mikhaila. Mikhaila Faye. I’m a friend of the Swans,” I told her, watching as she tilted her head at me. Her eyes unnerved me, the golden hue swimming before me as I tried to keep from shuffling under her gaze. They weren’t exactly like the ones in my dreams, those having been sparkling gold, but it still matched in an eerie way.

Silence stretched between us as a sudden far off look took over her features, her fingers tapping the side of her leg as if she had fallen into a trance before she suddenly came back to Earth, shock taking over her features. She stared at me in an odd way before a smile stretched across her face. She bounded over to me, grabbing my arm as if I had become the most interesting woman in the world.

“I’m Alice! It’s so nice to meet you Mikhaila,” she giggled as she dragged me to the couch. I wasn’t sure how to really take her sudden change in attitude and I felt like she was hiding something from me too, but I didn’t have a moment to talk as she began to throw several questions at me. Several personal questions that had me reel back in surprise.

“You want to know if I like shopping?” I blinked at her next one, seeing how she gave me a grin before nodding her head. Her hair shifted on her head with how vigorously she nodded. This person was crazy!

“I… not really. I mean my closet attests to that. I don’t have much clothes.”

“Oh no, we will have to remedy that situation here soon. Can’t have you not looking your best for Carlisle,” she said, watching me closely as she mentioned the name. I felt my heart lurch forward, my fingers digging into my skin as I leaned over my legs. That was odd. I had never felt anything like it and it actually really hurt. But I wouldn’t let it distract me from the fact that I had a complete stranger in my home.

“Car- Who’s Car-lisle?” I felt the yank on my heart again, my body shivering suddenly. Why couldn’t I say his name without a sense of longing hitting me? This wasn’t right. Do I have heartburn then? Maybe spicy Mexican food wasn’t the best idea for dinner last night then.

“You’ll see,” she gave me a knowing grin before we both looked toward the door. I heard Bella yelling outside at Jacob, my person jumping up to my feet as the door suddenly slammed open. I hadn’t realized it had gotten dark as Bella came in, her face lighting up the person in front of me. And the shock that took over her own features.

“Alice!” Bella jumped forward, hugging the pixie haired woman in front of me.

“You know her?” I questioned, noticing how Bella completely ignored me.

“I’m sorry, I just…I can’t believe you’re here,” came the shocked voice. Bella had released Alice, staring at her as if her whole world was once again complete. “Are the others-“

“Would you like to explain to me how you are alive?” Alice countered with her own question, my eyes widening at her. Bella isn’t supposed to be alive? Yep, either I had a severe popcorn accident and am laying in a hospital bed or this chick has officially lost her mind.

“What?”

“I saw a vision of you. You jumped off a cliff,” Alice sounded a bit choked, staring hard at Bella. I found myself doing the same, hurt hitting me hard as the small girl continued, “What in the hell would you try to kill yourself? What about Charlie? What about-“

“I didn’t try to kill myself.”

“Then what the hell is she talking about Bells?” my own whine mixed in with hers, tears hitting my eyes. The idea that Bella had actually jumped off a cliff hit me hard, my body turning away from them. I… didn’t know how to handle this news, or the fact that Bella had actually confessed to doing it. She was my best friend and this was by far the most unsettling news I had ever heard.

“I didn’t try to kill myself, Mikhaila. I wouldn’t do that,” Bella defended, grabbing my shoulders. “I was cliff jumping. Recreationally. It was…fun.”

The word fun sounded force as she moved her hands from my shoulder, taking a strand of hair and tucking it behind her ear. I found myself at a loss for words as I stared at her, my heart suddenly running a million miles an hour.

“Fun? Fun?! Bella, are you out of your god damned mind?!”

“Mik, it’s okay. I’m okay. I promise,” Bella looked back at Alice, a knowing smirk hitting her lips. But I was soon distracted by the two before me as I found the chair off to the side, the two girls taking over the couch. I remained quiet, listening to what Bella told her and my heart nearly gave.

Bella had put herself in many life threatening situations to get a glimpse of Edward. And that immediately made my blood boil but I didn’t want to say anything. Sometimes the best way to act was like you weren’t there. You learned many things from someone when they were lost speaking to someone else. It was a good tactic that I have used many times.

“I have never met anyone more prone to life threatening idiocy,” Alice told her, the awkward silence taking me by surprise. At least until Bella asked about Edward and if they heard anything from him. Alice shook her head, saying that he only calls every few months. She also mentioned this Car… him and how someone named Esme separated from him.

“That’s horrible, Alice. Is Carlisle okay?”

I whimpered at the name, looking away when their attention focused on me. I didn’t understand why this hurt so much. Why did his name rip at my insides and what the hell was happening? Why did I want him? Who was he? Was I turning into Bella?

“He’s fine. It happened shortly after we left. He is just waiting for his own to come across his path,” Alice smiled, flicking her gaze back to me. Bella seemed to catch onto what she was saying, which prompted a giggle from her.

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope, I saw it. And he will be very happy. They both will.”

“Who will?”

“Can’t say. It will ruin the surprise,” Alice beamed brightly at me before I watched as her nose scrunched up in disgust. She shook her head slowly, looking up at Bella in utter confusion. “What is that god awful wet dog smell?”

I sniffed the room, trying to see if I smelled anything. Nothing entered my nose, leaving me in further confusion. I didn’t know if this was a trick but Bella definitely kept some odd friends and I was at my wits end with this. Being kept in the dark. I didn’t like it. At all.

“Um, that’s probably me. But, it’s Jacob.”

“Jacob who?”

“Jacob’s… kind of a werewolf,” Bella looked at me, seeing that I was about to scoff at her but instead I saw how dead serious the two were being, making me snap my mouth shut. Werewolves? No, this was insane. There was no way this was real. I mean… no… no…

“Oh Bella, werewolves are not good company to keep.”

“Speak for yourself,” I glanced up, noticing Jacob coming into view. I felt all color drain from my face as he looked at me, a slight sneer talking over his features. Bella told him it was okay, that I would have found out eventually before he completely ignored me to focus on her. “I had to see you were safe.”

“I thought you couldn’t protect me here,” Bella asked.

“Guess I don’t care.”

“Well I’m not gonna hurt her,” Alice was quick to defend, her eyes focused on Jacob. I could practically feel the tension between the two and it made me very anxious. Alice may seem like a total nutcase but she was very sweet if you got down to it. And I would protect her like Bella because honestly, Jacob made me uneasy.

“Nah you’re just a harmless Cullen,” Jacob glanced at me, a smirk hitting his lips. “I’m talking about the other blood sucker who tried to kill Bella because of you.”

“Victoria?” Alice seemed confused as I sat up straighter, unsure how to take this news. Bella being in danger was not what I signed up for. In fact, none of this was what I signed up for. I had come to help her get better but it seemed like Bella was dead set on making things worse for her. Not something I enjoyed at all. In fact, it made me very queasy.

“I didn’t see her. I didn’t see you get pulled out of the water either. I can’t past you and your pack of mutts,” Alice suddenly growled, making me jump up then. Jacob took an involuntary step back and when I went to put my hand on his arm, listening to Bella telling him to stop, he instead smacked away my hand… my still healing, fractured hand.

“Oh fuck!” I squealed, pulling my arm back against my chest. Jacob froze as he looked at me, my body curving around the injury protectively. Alice was quick to pull me into her arm, asking if I was okay. Honestly, I probably wasn’t. In fact, I think I may have officially made the fracture worse or broken it but I wasn’t about to tell them.

“Mik, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“Just leave it be,” I told Jacob. Alice kept me in her arms, a hiss escaping her at Jacob before she began to leave the house. But not before promising to come back when Bella asked her in a desperate voice. Of course, she said it in a way that made me laugh despite the situation. And I would have to remember that line. It was just perfect.

As soon as you put the dog out. Ha!

#alice cullen #cullen family #bella swan #charlie swan #jacob black #vampires #werewolves #mikhaila faye #carlisle cullen #carlisle x oc #au mates #au twilight #gifted #au new moon

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marisamk · 7 years ago

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I did the Whole 30 for the month of January

For those of you who are unfamiliar, The Whole 30 is a healthy eating program that lasts 30 days. No grains (that means no oatmeal, no quinoa, no corn. No grains at all). No dairy (Yes, Marisa, that rules out your favorite food-- cheese.) No legumes. No added sugars (this includes sugar substitutes like stevia). No alcohol.

I chose to do the Whole 30 for the month of January because I needed to rein in my eating habits. I wanted to jump start my weight loss, see some results, and do something challenging, kind of just to prove that I could do. It really helped that William was on board. Having your partner on board makes every lifestyle change easier.

I was seriously afraid of how hard it would be. Truthfully, the real hard part is making sure that you plan ahead. I started a strategy of planning out a menu for the week and posting it on the fridge. This is something William and I decided to try in order to budget our money better. If we have a meal planned out for each night with groceries already bought, it’s really hard to say “Let’s just go to Qdoba tonight.” The thing about the Whole 30 is that you are going to have to cook for yourself. You have to plan things out. You have to grocery shop. It can be hard, but I just kept telling myself, “there’s nothing to it, but to do it.” I think that’s my new mantra for healthy eating.

Cravings on the Whole 30 are tricky mind game. If you read blog posts by the creators of Whole 30, you’ll hear all about how tons of people on Whole 30 have dreams about donuts. How crazy is that? I have had donut fantasies while on healthy eating programs, but on the Whole 30, I did not. My cravings came out of weird places. I would drive past Taco Bell after a stressful day at work, and my mouth would water. I wanted it so badly. I finally figured out that the cravings were coming from this weird place of emotional eating and bad habits. Don’t get me wrong, I still love me some Taco Bell, but sometimes thinking really hard about what I would order there and thinking about eating it made me feel like it totally wasn’t worth it. This didn’t stop me from obsessing over cheese/Mexican food/pasta, but I really didn’t struggle as hard as you would imagine.

I spent a lot of time on Pinterest and blogs doing Whole 30 research. I also followed a few fit girls accounts where they were doing the Whole 30 for the month of January as well. I posted lots of the meals I made on my Instagram stories. I had fun with it. What I learned from looking at the social media side of Whole 30 was that food fear is becoming an all too real thing in our culture. Gwyneth Paltrow runs a whole company based around food fear. (https://goop.com/)

Gluten free, dairy free, vegan, free range, organic food is that ice in a bowl you see on the memes on Facebook, making fun of exactly what I’m referring to: food fear. While I fully believe that everyone is coming from a good place, we all want to be healthy and eat healthy, I think everyone needs to pump the brakes. While yes, being dairy free and gluten free throughout the week is a great idea, we should all relax and eat a cheeseburger on the weekend. I’m saying that to myself just as much as I’m saying it to you. I would love to get to the point where I don’t have to follow a program to feel in control of my healthy eating habits.

Day 29 proved to be a hard day for us. I had to take my dog to the vet (again) because of his persistent ear infection problems. It was an extremely emotionally charged day, that ended in us having to leave Buddha at the vet for a few hours to get a CT scan to see if his brain was okay. William and I decided together to go out to a restaurant and just enjoy a nice meal. Rules be damned.

The meal was tasty, but not as “worth it” as I had imagined. I had some dairy that night, and I woke up with a frog in my throat the next day. I fully can see that dairy makes me a little more phlegmy than I want to be. And I woke up with heartburn. Yuck. The coolest thing about the Whole 30 is the amazing energy I got from it. I noticed a difference after eating gluten. I was more sluggish, for sure.

So, yes, technically speaking, we did a Whole 28.5 before breaking for a real life thing. I’m glad we did things how we did, it was a needed break. The trick now is to incorporate what we learned on the Whole 30 into our daily lives. Use coconut milk for dairy in a soup for a healthy substitute, read labels, and whole fruits and veggies will always be a good choice.

I’m sharing some favorite recipes in case you want to try! They are EASY and delicious. To those of you calling me a chef on my Instagram posts, you made my day. But I swear they are easy!

Favorite recipes: Egg Roll Bowls: http://tastythin.com/whole30-egg-roll-bowls/ Whole 30 Zuppa Toscana copycat: https://www.farmsteadchic.com/whole30-zuppa-toscana/ Spaghetti Squash with Meat Sauce: https://fitslowcookerqueen.com/spaghetti-squash-meat-tomatoes-herbs/ Sloppy Joe Bowls: https://physicalkitchness.com/whole30-sloppy-joe-bowls/ (Remember to make ‘em EXTRA sloppy).

Thanks for reading, y’all. Bless.

#whole30 #healthyeating #dairyfree #glutenfree #recipes

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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890

Quick! Chinese or Mexican? ...food? Oh man, I love them both. I’ll have to go with Chinese. When it comes down to it, it hits closer to home and I find that their flavors and options are more diverse. I like Mexican cuisine too, but I realize I only like certain dishes. How many significant others have you had in your WHOLE life? One. I have to ask: What does the last text you received say? “Good afternoon. Cooper is scheduled for deworming tomorrow. Thank you. Please disregard if done.” I’ve never had a vet clinic send me regular reminders before so I really appreciate the staff at the one I regularly visit now. I just feel like little things like this are good indicators of a clinic with good service and one that actually cares for the animals that people bring in, so yeah it looks like I’ll be a regular visitor here. How about the last text you sent? "Hi daddy sorry to ask this - you know I’d do it if [I’m capable of doing so] – but could you or mommy call the vet clinic to book Cooper’s grooming? I really don’t like phone calls” Pretty self-explanatory message right there. Have you shared any kisses today? I’ve only given kisses to my dogs today, but they’re the best boys.

Did the last person you kissed have soft lips, or were they kind of crusty? Soft. Do you think your life will be any different a year from now? It will definitely be different. It’ll only start rapidly changing from here. Can’t wait to see what my surveys will look like a year from now. What all is in your wallet? There’s an empty vape pen, a little over ₱700, some receipts I haven’t thrown out, and bits of tobacco from a cigarette I had stashed inside to hide it from my mom, who’s prone to checking out my bags without my knowledge and who will kill me if she found out I’ve started smoking. The tobacco bit’s disgusting, I know...I just never had the time to clean it out while I was still in school. How many windows are in your bedroom? There are two windows but each have six panes on them. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. I had ‘wrestling’ fights with my cousin when we were kids but we mostly kicked and slapped each other. When was the last time you went to the doctor? End of May. I had a UTI and it gave me a nasty fever that didn’t go away for a week. Are you going out of town anytime soon? That’s still not possible. We’re getting a spike in cases – higher than ever – because the government hasn’t been doing anything since March and yet they’ve loosened lockdown rules for so many cities. With more people going out despite seeing no action from the government, it’s a complete recipe for disaster. Y’all have been back to normal for a few weeks, while we’re still on square one. Do you hate your ex? I don’t. I even got back with her. When are you going to get a haircut? Not for a long, long while. I just had it drastically cut last February and my hair grows quite slowly, so it’ll be a while until it once again gets too long. Can you fit your hand around your wrist? Yup. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Yeah, it’s called hating myself. When was the last time you applied chapstick? Years ago. I did apply lip balm a few months ago though, when I was headed to a party. Are you a coffee person or a tea person? Coffee for sure. I’m not very well-versed at all when it comes to tea. Do you have a weird laugh? No. I mean at least I don’t hate the way it sounds. What kind of deodorant do you wear? Dove something. Do you have videos on YouTube? No, I never post my own videos on there. When's the last time you had a phone conversation for more than ten minutes? I had a serious conversation with Gabie over the phone yesterday. I was feeling insecure about jobs and careers and the future, and I needed to get it out of my system. Do you laugh at inappropriate times? Sometimes. It’s not an issue people find with me, though. What's your fast food restaurant of choice? KFC if I’m really aiming for that greasy, heartburn goodness. Usually though I’d go for Jollibee because it’s among the most affordable fast food.

All the people you've kissed, what did their names start with? G. Are you in any kind of pain right now? My lower back hurts as always, but it’s not as big of a nuisance now. My knuckles are also feeling a little sore. Are you the jealous type? Only with my girlfriend, but I don’t let it get toxic. I just play jealous to get her attention and a few words of reassurance work for me. What did you and your ex fight about most? We didn’t fight a lot, actually. The biggest issue was her completely cutting me off in the last few months of our relationship which was obviously confusing, and ended up being the catalyst for our breakup. Do you have a foot phobia? No, but I’ve always been baffled by foot fetishes. To each their own, I guess. Well, are you a germaphobe? I’m particular about certain things but I wouldn’t call myself one. I just don’t like wearing other people’s clothes (even if it’s newly-cleaned) and sharing my spoon, fork, or bottle/cup/tumbler with most people. Do you get frustrated easily? When I’m driving OR already stressed to begin with, yes. Don't you love long hugs? Depends on the person. And long kisses? Only with my girlfriend. Have you ever purchased condoms? I’ve purchased a pack for a friend because they were too embarrassed to get one. Since I don’t need condoms and because a potential judgey look from the cashier won’t bother me, I volunteered to get it for her. Do you have a dirty mind? A lot of references will drive my head into the gutter, but I keep them inside as I know other people might not be comfortable with such comments. What's your favorite soda? I don’t like soda. Do you check the mail everyday, or somebody else? Nope. We know whenever mail comes because the delivery man will ring our doorbell to inform us anyway. Did you think braces were cool when you were little? I did. I owned a few stainless steel necklaces as a kid and I used to wear some of those around my teeth and pretend I had braces because I was a disgusting weirdo who couldn’t wait to be a teenager lol. Do you ever go without makeup or doing your hair? I go without makeup alllllll the time, but I always fix up my hair before going out. If I have no time to wash it I’ll tie it up in a ponytail or bun so that I don’t look untidy. Put your iTunes on shuffle RIGHT NOW and tell me the first song it plays. I’ll use the most recent playlist I made; it gave me the song Into It - Chase Atlantic. Recently heard about this group and it’s exxxxactly the sound I’m currently into. What is the last song you added to your iTunes library? The last song I added to my most recent playlist is Heaven Is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle. The playlist is for songs I feel like would be awesome to hear when I’m cruising down the highway at 1 AM, and this song seems like an awesome closer to the playlist. Are you embarrassed by any of the songs in your iTunes? No. They’re there because I like listening to them. When was the last time you were sick? May until the first few days of June. Did you get anybody else sick? Throughout the quarantine I’ve been the only one who’s gotten sick. Which is still weird to me, because I never get sick haha. Have you had your flu shots? I never get them, but I’ve had vaccinations for other viruses/illnesses like cervical cancer. What brand is your camera? I just use my phone as a camera, so Apple. I used to have a Nikon DSLR. Do you like raisins? No. Who was your valentine this year? My girlfriend. When did you first kiss the last person you kissed? January 2015. And when did you last kiss the last person you kissed? Two weeks ago. Did you borrow that shirt from somebody? No, it’s always been mine. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? The last bits from my chicken wing. Do you like to swim? I like wading in the water, but I don’t swim or like do strokes and stuff. How many vacations have you been on in the past year? Within the last 12 months, one. Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Nah, just a day trip to the beach. I don’t want our trips to be funded by our parents because it just feels wrong lol, so I’m waiting till I’ve earned enough on my own to take her on a vacation. Are you supposed to be doing homework, young man/lady? My plate is empty for now. Do you have to wake up early tomorrow? Not too early, but I do have to take Cooper to the vet in the morning or at least before lunch so that we can be done before the queue could get longer. Do you have any prescriptions currently? I don’t. Are you upset about anything? I was earlier. My dad raised his voice at me but I was able to have a good cry about it, so I think I’m mostly doing better now.

#survey #surveys

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distant-rose-archive-blog · 7 years ago

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Ginger Tea and Cucumbers

Note: It’s been awhile since I updated, mainly because I’ve been working on my dissertation for school. Anyway, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the Wes prompt, so I did the next in my line of requests. Awhile back I had anon ask: ““I know you had mentioned Emma had a hard pregnancy with Beth and wondered if you would write about that?” As always @welllpthisishappening has been an absolute inspiration and thank you @hi-rwt for being a queen and reading my shitty writing. Summary: For the past week, Emma has been so sick that she’s convinced that she might be tethered to her toilet by an invisible cord. Her mother and husband seem to have a better idea what’s going on with her than she does. Rating: T Word Count: 5,600+

Hell isn’t a place. Hell is a state of being.

Emma Swan had decided this as she was purging her stomach into the toilet. She had been horribly sick all week and at this point she was convinced that there was some invisible tether keeping her attached to her bathroom. She had been camped inside of it for the past few days and she was starting to think that it was in dire need of a remodel. Sunshine yellow was getting a bit too old.

On top of the possible remodel, Emma was now convinced that dry toast was the worst breakfast choice in the world. Crunchy wheat bread was not something that came back up smoothly and she was now hundred percent certain that there were pieces of grain or crumbs lodged in the back of her throat. It was, all and all, a horrible feeling and there was no other way to describe it other than hell.

The only comfort she felt in that moment came in the form of the cool porcelain pressing against her cheek. A part of her was grossed out that she was resting her head on a toilet seat, the other half was beyond caring.

As another bout of bile and bread came back up, a hand curled itself into Emma’s hair, pulling it out of the thin line of vomit expelling from her mouth. At first, she thought it was her husband, but then a small slender hand reached forward to give the toilet a flush.

“Sorry. I needed a courtesy flush. It kinda reeks in here,” her mother called softly over her shoulder.

Emma closed her eyes, sighing a bit as the hand in her hair began caressing the top of her head. She leaned back into the touch. It felt almost like heaven.

“Sorry. I got used to the smell…” she croaked, voice raspy from her near constant retching.

“Oh Emma…” Her mother’s voice was soft and full of sympathy. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. I know you haven’t been feeling well lately. I’m glad Killian told me to check in on you while he took the boys to daycare.”

“Not feeling well is an understatement,” Emma groaned. “I feel like the little girl from the Exorcist.”

“Well, I brought over some ginger tea and some other goodies for you. Let’s get you off the floor. Sound good?” Snow said, still smoothing Emma’s hair.

“You’re my savior,” Emma groaned, pulling herself off the floor.

“No,” her mother said with a gentle shake of her head. “I’m just your mother.”

Though Emma was fully capable of picking herself off up and walking on her own, Snow guided her with a gentle arm slung across her shoulders. She led Emma into the kitchen. and helped her into a chair. Normally, Emma would bristle under such babying, but it felt good to cared for a bit after being constantly sick for the past week straight.

Snow gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before busying herself in Emma’s kitchen, grabbing two mugs from the main cabinet and riffling in the numerous paper bags on the counter. Emma’s eyes went wide as she took in how many bags were.

“I thought you said some goodies. This isn’t goodies. This is…I don’t even know what this is,” Emma replied, gesturing to all the bags.

“It’s groceries,” Snow responded, taking out the electric kettle from beneath the sink. “Killian said you were out of food so I took it upon myself to make sure you were all eating.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Emma sighed, massaging her temples. On top of constant vomiting, she was suffering from a ridiculous migraine. It just didn’t seem to stop.

“Of course, I did. I’m your mother,” Snow scoffed. “And your husband said the same thing. Put up a good token fight too before he handed over a grocery list. You’re both too stubborn for your own good.”

“Sorry. We’re just…” Emma tried to find the right words but kept coming up short. “It’s just old habits die hard, I guess.”

There was a flicker of hurt on her mother’s face. It was there for only a moment, but Emma saw it nonetheless. She had been living in Storybrooke for seven years now, but the self-reliance she had built up over the decades still remained. It was even worse with Killian who had relied only on himself for centuries. They were terrible at asking for help, much less accepting it unprompted.

Snow put the tea bags in the mugs before filling them with water. She then went searching through her bags and took out a pack of crackers.

“Well, we’re going to keep working on those habits,” Snow said with a smile as she placed the packet in front of Emma. “Because you both have family now. And our family sticks together as we have for the past few years now.”

Snow left the table to bring back the mugs of tea. Emma had never been much of a tea or coffee person, but if the tea would stay down instead of coming back up, then she would drink it. Tentatively she brought it to her lips and took a small sip. Emma wrinkled her nose. She didn’t care much for the taste, but she was quite relieved when she didn’t immediately feel the urge to spit it back out.

“I know, I know,” Emma said, putting her hand on top of her mother’s. “Trust me, I know and I’m grateful and I love you. You’re great, but sometimes the subconscious forgets it.”

“Good. Now eat those crackers. You need something in your stomach and it really helps tap down the nausea. Ginger tea is also great. It did me wonders when I had morning sickness with you and Ruthie.”

Emma’s eyes bulged again at the term ‘morning sickness.’ She suddenly felt like she had ash in her mouth along with the underlying aftertaste of vomit.

“Fascinating,” she muttered, opening the package of crackers. “But this isn’t morning sickness.”

“It isn’t?” Snow asked with a delicate arching of her brow. “It’s not morning sickness?”

“No,” Emma scoffed. “I’ve never gotten morning sickness before. I mean I was just constantly dizzy with the boys, but never like this. This is just a nasty bug and we probably shouldn’t have let the boys go to daycare. The other parents are going to hate us.”

“Every pregnancy is different, Emma,” Snow said patiently. “I was constantly craving salty foods with you. I had none of that with Neal. And all I wanted was Mexican food with Ruthie and god, I had so much heartburn. And can you honestly tell me that it’s not a possibility? And that you haven’t felt other symptoms? Felt a little off? Sore boobs? Feeling tired? Craving anything?”

“I’m constantly tired, I’m a mother. I have a nineteen-year-old, a four-year-old and a two-year-old. And sure, I’ve been a little…sensitive…in the chest area but I’ve switched pills a few times and the doctor said that it’s a side effect of that.”

“That would do it. You know those don’t work right away when you switch,” Snow replied in an almost lecturing tone. “I thought you were trying though…”

Emma snorted.

“No, we weren’t trying. We aren’t trying. We were very much done after Wes. Two little ones are more than enough,” Emma replied, rubbing at her forehead and sighing.

And she had barely wanted two before. She hadn’t really planned on having anymore kids aside from Henry, but three months after her wedding, they discovered Harrison. Harrison was going to be their own one and only until Emma kept discovering articles about the benefits of siblings and how only child had a tendency of ending up spoiled. Watching Aurora and Philip’s son have a meltdown and toss cereal boxes had been enough to know that a second child was necessary to keep them grounded. But she had planned on being done after Wes came into the world.

“Well, from where I’m standing, you weren’t done all things considered,” Snow said, now raising both eyebrows at her.

“I’m not pregnant, Mom,” Emma groaned, resisting the urge to smack her head against the table.

“Not pregnant,” Snow repeated.

Without any other prompting, Snow got up and began riffling through the bags again. Emma watched her, brows knitted together in confusion. When Snow returned to the table, she placed an all too familiar cardboard box in front of her.

“If you’re not, then you’ll have no problem taking a test,” Snow said after a moment.

“You bought me a test?” Emma asked in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m not kidding. That’s why I bought it. Emma, you cried last week when you couldn’t pick up the boys on time and you fell asleep in the middle of the day when you were over our place on Sunday. I would bet the entire farm on the existence of a new prince or princess right now,” Snow replied, shoving the box forward until it hit Emma’s forearm.

“A new little pirate. Not a princess or a prince. Killian wouldn’t stand for it,” Emma muttered under her breath.

She hated herself a bit for everything saying that and humoring her mother’s assumptions. Though it was true. Killian was well on his way to turning the boys in little buccaneers with the amount of times he took them on the Jolly and taught them how to sail. She had so many pictures on her phone of dark heads and a blonde one bent over with rope between their fingers as Killian taught them to tie knots.

She couldn’t look at her mother, just glared down at the box. She couldn’t be pregnant. She couldn’t be. Though it would be just her luck if she was. She didn’t have the best track record with contraception. Henry had been the result of Neal’s old favorite “pull out” method. Harrison’s conception, on the other hand, was the result of not taking her birth control when she was in the mental institution – something she had conveniently forgotten when she had been reunited with her husband in the wake of the Final Battle. Both of those instances could be understood given the mitigating circumstances, but if she were somehow pregnant this time around, then it could be chalked up to nothing except irresponsibility.

“A pirate prince,” Snow replied with a shrug. “It doesn’t have to be one or the other.”

“It doesn’t matter. It won’t mean anything because I’m not pregnant, Mom,” Emma replied, getting frustrated.

“Alright, Emma, alright,” Snow responded, handing up her hands in mock surrender. “You don’t want to be pregnant, but I honestly think you might be. Just take the test and prove me wrong.”

“Fine,” Emma snapped, giving her mother a vicious glare and violently snatching the box off the table.

Without waiting for her mother to reply, she climbed out of her chair and marched into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her like an angry teenager. She regretted closing the door as soon as she did because she was once again reacquainted with the smell of her own sick. She dropped the box suddenly and gripped the sink for balance as a sense of dizziness and nausea returned.

“Fuck,” she muttered under her breath.

She swallowed heavily, making eye contact with herself in the mirror. God, she really hoped this was just some nasty illness. Doubt was starting to creep into her mind as she regarded herself. She knew this dizziness. It normally wasn’t companied by constant vomit, but she knew it. Fuck. She hoped she was wrong. She would never live down her mother if Snow was right. It would also suck so hard if she was pregnant again since she literally just got off all the baby weight gained from her pregnancies with Harrison and Wes.

Reluctantly, she let go of the sink and sat down on the toilet, gripping the back of her head with her hands and staring at the test sitting on the floor. If Emma didn’t know better, she would say the cardboard box was mocking her. She almost wanted to kick it but that would feel like giving in.

“I’m not scared of you,” she muttered under her breath, picking up the box and ripping out the test.

She tossed the remnants of the box and the directions against the door in a careless manner that she knew would annoy the hell out of her husband. But Killian wasn’t here and she was in the mood to be a little destructive. She didn’t need the directions anyhow. She had taken these tests more times than she cares to admit.

She ignored the shaking of her hands, she undid her jeans and pulled down her underwear. She took a few breaths, trying calm herself. She was going to fine. This was just her mother being paranoid. Everything was going to be fine.

It was a lie. And she knew it was a lie.

She almost didn’t want to urinate, but she forced herself to. Her nose scrunched a bit as some landed on her fingers as she held the test in place. There was honestly very little dignity in these tests and she wished there was another home test alternative - preferably one that didn’t involve peeing on a stick.

Every cell in her body seemed to be vibrating as she stared down at the test in her hands, waiting. She didn’t want to so much as blink until the results came.

“Come on, negative, negative, negative, negative,” Emma chanted under her breath, her knee bouncing violently as she mentally tried to will a negative test result into existence.

A small pink pulse sign appeared. It was faint at first, but it grew more prominent as the seconds passed. The blood seemed to drain from Emma’s cheeks as she stared down at it. She dropped it and immediately pushed it as far away from her with her toes as she could.

“Fuck,” she whispered, raking her hands through her hair. She couldn’t stop staring at the pink pulse sign.

There was a knock on the door and Emma nearly jumped out of her skin, yelping and clutching the bottom of the toilet seat for dear life.

“Emma? Are you okay? You’ve been in there for a while now,” Snow called.

“Yeah…” Emma’s voice left like it was disconnected from her body. “Just give me a moment.”

With trembling hands, Emma pulled back up her underwear and jeans all while still staring at the positive pregnancy test on the floor. It was official - she was the absolute worst being responsible about birth control. She was on her third accidental kid. She should have just gotten her tubes tied or something after Wes.

Shit.

She picked up the test with the tips of her fingers as if she was touching something radioactive. Delicately, she tossed into the trash. She didn’t want to look at it anymore. It had given her the information that she sought, unwanted as it was, and now it was useless.

Emma turned on the faucet and began washing her hands vigorously, losing herself in the motion of rubbing soap between her fingers. When she was done, she splashed a bit of water on her face in hopes of making herself look fresher and more alert. It just made her look like a drown rat.

A pregnant drown rat.

She let out a loud sigh, blowing her hair out of her face. It was time to face the music. She felt like a teenager again, leaving the bathroom to tell one of the security guards the news. Except this time, it wasn’t a security guard. It was her mother.

Snow was looking at her expectantly when she left the bathroom. One look at her face and Emma had to avert her eyes to the ground. She closed the bathroom door behind her, pushed herself against the wood and let out another loud sigh that would make any teenager proud.

“So…?” her mother prompted, waiting for answer.

Emma rubbed her face into her hands, massaging her temples.

“Well, you were right,” she muttered. “It was positive.”

A wide smile bloomed across Snow’s face and she did a small little shuffling dance with her feet, bringing her hands up to her face for a moment. As soon as her little dance was done, she moved forward and enveloped Emma in a fierce hug.

“Oh my god, Emma! This is so exciting! Another baby! Wow!”

Emma tried to grin and match her enthusiasm but failed in a spectacular fashion. Her smile was like a broken light bulb; it flickered weakly on her face for a moment before disappearing entirely. She couldn’t find it in herself to pretend to be excited, even for her mother.

Her mother noticed her expression because then her own smile faltered and she looked at Emma in concern.

“You’re not happy about this, are you?”

“I wasn’t planning on having any more kids, Mom. We were supposed to be done. I was supposed to be done. This is my third unplanned kid. What does that say about me?” Emma said, trying to keep her voice from wavering.

“It doesn’t say anything about you, Sweetie. No one needs to know that. Children are blessings. It’s going to be okay. I mean, I can’t imagine Killian getting too upset about it. In fact, I think he will be thrilled,” Snow said gently, rubbing her hand against Emma’s back.

Emma leaned into her mother’s touch, resting her head on Snow’s shoulder. It felt good for once to be mothered, instead of doing the mothering.

Killian’s reaction was the least of Emma’s concerns. There wasn’t anything that Killian Jones loved more than being ‘Dad.’ He loved their little ones fiercely and though he had never said it, Emma was certain that he had wanted more children. He had been gracious and respectful when she said she was done not long after Wes was born, but she had always caught him looking at babies and other small children.

“That’s true,” Emma said with small almost hysterical laugh. “If it were up to him, we would be the Weasleys.”

“See? Everything’s going to be okay. It’s going to be fine. I mean, Killian’s going to be fine with it. The boys are going to be excited. It’s not like you don’t have enough room. I mean you still have three guest bedrooms. And you’ll have more than enough help if you need it. Your father and I are always willing to lend a hand and so is Henry.”

“I know, Mom, I know. I know all of those things. I know it’s not a big deal, but you of all people should know that pregnancy is hard. And if this week has been any indication, this is one is going to be harder than both Harrison and Wes’s pregnancies were, and those weren’t easy pregnancies to begin with. What if I have another giant kid like Harrison or a breach baby like Wes? I’m not sure I can handle it as well as I did when I was thirty-five. I just thought these days were over. The cravings? The dizziness? Sleepless nights? Breastfeeding? I thought it was all over, but here I am. Shit. I’m going to gain all that weight I just lost,” Emma groaned.

“It’s going to be okay,” Snow said again. This time the optimism in her mother’s voice noticeably wavered.

“Maybe, but it’s going to suck. This is the worst morning sickness in the world and it’s only been a week. Whoever labeled it as morning sickness needs to be shot in the face because this isn’t morning sickness, it’s every hour sickness,” Emma exclaimed, banging her head against Snow’s shoulder.

“Well, that’s what happened with me when I had Ruthie remember? I was sick all the time until I hit the second trimester. That tends to happen with girls. I bet all of your father’s sheep that this one is a little princess. We should get your grandmother’s pendant.”

Emma remembered her mother’s surprise pregnancy with her younger sister vividly. It was half the reason that she told Killian that she didn’t want any more children after Wes. She honestly thought that her mother was possessed half the time with how crazy her mood swings got and how quickly she would race to the bathroom.

And now, here she was doing the same thing. Christ.

“Please don’t,” Emma sighed. “Look, you may have already accepted the idea that there’s going to be a third Jones to the crew, but I haven’t. I literally just found out. Let me just process it. Okay?”

“Right, right, sorry. I got ahead of myself there,” Snow replied with a nervous laugh. “What do you want? You feeling okay?”

“I’m feeling…overwhelmed…and still a little nauseous. Right now, I just want to lay on the couch with my mother and watch television.”

“We can do that. We can definitely do that,” Snow replied as she slowly guided them into Emma’s living room.

Emma’s mother stayed for another hour trying to talk Emma into being more excited about the new baby while they curled on the couch with Emma’s head in Snow’s lap. Snow ran her fingers through Emma’s hair as she spoke. While Emma found her mother’s ministrations relaxing, she couldn’t find it in herself to reach the level of overjoyed that her mother was looking for.

It wasn’t that Emma hated the baby. She didn’t. Emma was quite certain that she could never hate anything that was part of her and it wasn’t necessarily the child’s fault. It didn’t ask to exist. However, that didn’t mean that Emma wasn’t disappointed in herself and her lack of responsibility. Aside from that, this pregnancy was already shaping out to be the worst in history. In the past week, she had more fluid purged from every orifice of her body than she had in a lifetime.

When her mother left, Emma’s stomach finally made itself known again. Though she was still nauseous, all she wanted was cucumbers, preferably in the form of sandwiches. She immediately padded into the kitchen, hoping that her mother had bought at least one or two cucumbers on her grocery stop.

There weren’t one or two cucumbers. There were seven. Emma couldn’t believe her luck as she took one of them and began washing it. She hummed a happy tune under her breath as she began slicing the cucumber, occasionally popping a slice into her mouth.

She still felt overwhelmed about the baby, but her mood had been improved by the amount of cucumbers in the refrigerator. She would be able to indulge in her current favorite snack for at least a good few days.

Emma was so engrossed in her own thoughts that she didn’t hear the front door open and let out a loud yelp as a pair of arms encircled themselves around her waist. She turned viciously, intending on using the knife in her against her attacker, but stopped when she saw who it was.

“Jesus Christ, Killian! You scared the shit out of me!” she exclaimed, dropping the knife to the floor and shaking her head at him.

Killian merely chuckled.

“Planning on carving me up there, were you Swan?” he asked, still chuckling as he leaned forward and kissed her nose.

Emma scowled at him, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. She was entirely unamused with his teasing.

“Seriously Killian, I could have hurt you,” she replied with a half-hearted glare.

“But you didn’t, Swan, and even if you had, it would have only been a small flesh wound,” Killian replied, hand and prosthetic rising from their placement on her hips to smooth over her shoulders.

“I regret showing you that movie,” Emma muttered under her breath.

“It was quite peculiar, but very enjoyable,” Killian replied, laughter still present in his tone.

Emma rolled her eyes, but squeezed his shoulders affectionately before leaning her head against his chest and taking in the smell of leather and spicy soap. She had always liked the way he smelled, but now it was just shy overwhelming. And now she knew why. Pregnancy had a way of heightening the senses. The mental acknowledgement of her condition made her throat constrict for a moment.

“You feeling any better, love?” Killian asked quietly, gently placing his nose in her hair.

“I’m getting there. At least I have my appetite back. I was going to make myself a cucumber sandwich,” Emma murmured, closing her eyes.

“Why don’t you go sit and I’ll make it for you, love?”

Emma opened her eyes, scrunching her nose at the suggestion. She lightly pushed against his chest so that she could meet his eyes.

“I can make my own sandwich, Killian,” she replied a little sternly.

“I know you can,” he replied, taking her hand in his own and running his thumb affectionately across her wedding ring. “But sometimes a man just wants to do something nice for his wife, especially when she hasn’t been feeling the best. Just let me do this.”

“Fine, fine,” Emma said with a heavy sigh, putting her hands up. “If it makes you happy, you can make me the damn sandwich.”

“Thanks, love. Now go sit,” Killian chuckled, kissing her another kiss this time on the forehead.

Emma rolled her eyes again, pulling away fully this time to take a seat at the dinner table where the crackers and the two mugs of ginger tea had been left forgotten. She picked up her mug again and took another sip. The tea was cold, but for some reason, Emma found it more bearable.

“That doesn’t look like hot chocolate. What are you drinking there, Swan?” Killian asked, taking the knife off the floor and putting it into the sink.

“Ginger tea,” Emma sighed. “Mom made it for me to help me stop throwing up. Not much of a tea person, but it kinda helps.”

“I’m glad she stopped over. We were getting a bit low on food. I think the boys were going to stage a mutiny if they had to eat another dinner of macaroni and cheese and hot dogs.”

Emma blinked.

“You fed our sons nothing but mac ’n’ cheese and hot dogs for the past few days? Seriously Killian?” Emma asked incredulously.

“You were sick and I didn’t have time to go shopping, love. I mean with patrol, fielding all the complaints, dealing with Regina, the boys, cleaning the house, making sure you were alive and everything. I’m a good captain, but I’m not that good, Swan,” Killian replied with a shrug.

“Killian Jones admitting he can’t do everything. Now that is something I never thought I would hear,” Emma replied with a small chuckle.

“Stranger things have happened,” Killian replied easily, popping a piece of cucumber in his mouth.

Emma’s eyes zeroed in on the cucumber slice and a wave of possessiveness came over her. A part of her wanted to get up take all the slices away from him and hoard them. She gave him a hard stare.

“If you keep eating them, there isn’t going to be any left for me,” she said pointedly.

“Sorry, love. I wasn’t thinking. I should have known better by now to get between you and your food.”

“Damn straight,” Emma replied. “And if you’re having trouble remembering things, remember that I like the bread”- “You like your bread extra toasted and you use cream cheese instead of mayonnaise with the cucumbers. A little bit of butter, garlic salt and pepper. Crust cut off,” Killian interrupted her, giving her a knowing look over his shoulder.

Emma blinked.

“I’m actually kinda impressed you remember my weird sandwich choices.”

“I’m not,” Killian said casually. “I’ve made you loads of these before. All you ate when you were pregnant with Wes was things with cucumbers or Indian food. Same with Harrison too.”

All the blood rushed from Emma’s face for the second time. Killian knew. How the hell did he know? She had only known for a few hours. She dropped the mug from her hands.

“You know,” she breathed.

Killian stopped cutting.

“I suspected hence why I asked your mother to buy so many cucumbers. I mean we ordered Indian from Mowgli’s three times last week and you’ve been going through cucumbers like water…and there were other things. Though, I’m still waiting on a confirmation…from you.”

Emma got up from her chair and cautiously approached him, wrapping her arms around his chest and leaning her head against his shoulder blades. His hand found one of her hands, took it and interlaced their fingers. He gave it a good squeeze and Emma closed her eyes.

“How long have you suspected?” she asked quietly.

“For a week and a half. That night when you won’t let me touch your breasts because they hurt. You said it was the pill changing, but it was a niggling thought in the back of my mind. Then it was the Indian food. And the cucumbers. Then you got so ill this week. I was pretty certain, but I didn’t want to say anything until you felt comfortable telling me. I thought you might have needed some time to process it considering the little happy dance you did when you stopped breastfeeding Wes.”

An unnamed emotion welled up inside of Emma at his words and she tried to shut her eyes tighter against the threat of tears. She honestly hated crying and she knew it was the hormones, but for some reason it made it that much worse.

Killian seemed to sense her change in mood because he let go of her hand and turned so that they were facing each other. He wrapped his blunted arm around her waist and brought his only hand up to brush against her cheek. He placed a kiss on her forehead again and gathered her against his chest. She placed her head over his heart, listening to it beat.

“Hey…it’s okay…it’s going to be okay,” he murmured into her hair. “We’re quite the team, Swan. We can handle anything. This isn’t something to be afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid…It’s just…Killian, do you know when I found out? I found out today. As in a few hours ago, my mother made me take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think even about it. You and my mother suspected before I even did. We didn’t plan this and I didn’t even know and I just feel like I don’t even know my own body right now.”

“Hey…” Killian said softly, rubbing her back. “You need to give yourself a break, love. I’m not surprised you didn’t notice. You have a million things going on at once. You’re the Savior and you’re the Sheriff. And you’re also mother to three boys, two of them being little ones and one in college. With how much stress you put on yourself, it’s no wonder you didn’t see what you didn’t want to see. Be easy on yourself, love. It’s going to be okay.”

“You make it sound so easy,” she murmured, closing her eyes again.

“Because it is. It’s you and me, love. Finding the sun and all that. Now, we’ve been beating around the bush. You have some news for me and I want to hear what it is.” Killian’s voice was but a low murmur.

Emma’s breath hitched. She had acknowledged the reality, but she hadn’t said those two words aloud.

“Killian…” she started, licking her cracked lips. “I know I said we were done with kids and we totally didn’t plan this at all, but I’m pregnant. We’re got another little pirate on the way.”

Killian brought both his hand and prosthetic up to Emma’s cheeks and tilted her head up so that he could capture her lips in kiss that was borderline rough in its intensity. When he broke it, he brushed his nose against hers and Emma couldn’t help but smile a bit. Despite her reservations and anxiety about the situation, Killian’s obvious excitement was infectious in a way that her mother’s hadn’t been.

“Oh my god, you’re such a man. You’re totally crowing right now that you did this to me. Feel real proud of yourself, don’t you?” Emma said, hitting his shoulder.

“Nothing wrong with children, Swan. Planned or not,” Killian replied, placing another kiss on her hairline.

“Says you. You’re not the one who has be pregnant,” Emma groaned. “If this week is any indication. This pregnancy is going to suck.”

“Maybe, but I will be with you every step of the way and who knows, we might end up with a little pretty blonde girl and green eyes who looks just like Mummy,” Killian said with another kiss.

Emma nearly snorted aloud. Killian had been vying for a little girl from the beginning. It wasn’t that he was disappointed with the boys, but he was just something that he had always wanted. A part of Emma hoped this new one was a girl for his sake, though all she seemed to pop out was boys who looked exactly like their fathers.

“Mom thinks this one is going to be a girl, but girl or not, this one is definitely the last one. I swear, I’m going to get my tubes tied after this one is out,” Emma said,

“You said the same thing after Wes,” Killian chuckled.

“I’m serious this time,” Emma said. “I’m not turning into Mrs. Weasley, Killian.”

“Hey now,” Killian tutted. “There is nothing wrong with Mrs. Weasley. She had a great family, was the ultimate mother and the ultimate witch. She took down Bellatrix LeStrange and that is no small feat. She’s a true hero. Right after Sirius Black and Hagrid of course.”

Emma shook her head, trying hard not to laugh.

“I married a dork. An absolute dork.”

“Those books are fantastic, Swan, and I’ve read a lot of great books in my day. I can’t wait until the little ones are old enough to read them, including this one,” he replied, bringing his hand down and placing it against her still flat abdomen.

“You’re really okay with this, aren’t you?”

“I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again, Swan, there’s nothing I love more than raising kids with you and I will be happy with whatever number you give me whether it be two, three or four…” he replied, giving her kiss just above her ear.

“Four? No way. That’s just being…” Emma trailed, trying to find the right words.

“Visionary?” Killian prompted.

Emma snorted.

“Or something.”

#cs ff #cs fic #cs fanfic #captain swan #captain swan children #cs future fic #little pirates #little pirates fic #ginger tea and cucumbers #my shit #my fic

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emilykinncy · 4 years ago

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Tagged by @alwaysupatnight like 2 weeks ago lol 😘

Name / Nickname: Diana/Di

Pronouns: she/her

Star sign: Scorpio

Height: 5′3 1/2" (yes, it is often pointed out when I'm measured that I'm exactly 5'3 and a half haha)

Time: 1:15 pm

Birthday: October 28

Favorite bands: 311 has been my fave band since I was like 13, I also enjoy The Cure, The Head and Heart, and Daughter

Favorite solo artists: Tori Amos, Emily Kinney...those are the only ones coming to mind that I consistently listen to all/most of their stuff

Song stuck in my head: lately rotating between “so may we start” from the Annette soundtrack & "when the fireworks start" by Emily Kinney

Last show: in a Friends marathon right now

Last Movie: The Enormity of Life a couple weeks ago

When did I create this blog: Well my first post was October 18, 2013 so probably that day

What do I post: well I pretty much only reblog these days lol, lots of animals, photography, flowers and random text posts. If I post my own content it's gifs...I may actually post some soon but we'll see, I updated my PS and it's...different aka more difficult 🙄

Last thing I googled: 'are raisins acidic' lol I occasionally have heartburn/acid reflux in the mornings & I eat oatmeal with raisins for breakfast so I wanted to double check

Other blogs: @emilykinneycentral but I'm so bad about posting content...one of the gifs I'm gonna try to work on soon & a reylo sideblog

Why I chose my URL: cause I love emily & emilykinney was taken...i kinda like it as not her actual name though because that's kinda awkward, like i'm pretending to be her haha

Do I get asks: very rarely haha

Following: 138

Followers: 2,361 but you would never know it lol. the great majority must be inactive or bots

Average hours of sleep: 6 🥴

Lucky number: 28...or at least favorite number idk about lucky

Instruments: none I am untalented haha

What am I wearing: pink comfy shorts & a pajama tank that says snooze fest haha

Dream trip: so many places tbh, i really want to go to hawaii next (i've been but i was like 7 so...couldn't appreciate it the same i would now)

Favorite food: italian, mexican, & chicken pot pies lol...not all together 😆

Nationality: American

Languages: English, I know a fair amount of Spanish but not fluent by any means especially at the speed it's often spoken lol. I'm trying to learn more as well as Italian on duolingo haha

Favorite song: I couldn't possibly pick a favorite song of all time lol but a couple of my faves are "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division, "Sever" by 311, & "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure

Last book read: I haven't read a book in a long time 🙈

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: maybe Star Wars just so I could travel to a bunch of planets, Narnia, and I guess Harry Potter cause magic seems cool

(man it took me 25 minutes to do this, it's now 1:40 😆)

#about me

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thewebofslime · 5 years ago

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Allison Mack and the Story of NXIVM: Inside the Sex Cult That Turned Women Into Recruiters for Their ''Master'' by NATALIE FINN | Sat., 21 Sep. 2019 7:00 AM 1:15 1:17 When Smallville ended after 10 seasons in 2011, Allison Mack found herself a little adrift, having played journalist and town truth-seeker Chloe Sullivan for almost the entirety of her adult life. "I was 28 and I felt not quite sure where I was going or who I was. I think that was probably the most bumpy transition," Mack told Fine Magazine for its March 2017 issue. Asked how she managed to navigate that change in her life, she said, "I have a wonderful teacher and mentor named Keith Raniere, who really gave me some incredible guidance." Raniere had suggested she pursue theater, and sure enough, she was appearing in a play, Red Velvet, at San Diego's Old Globe Theatre. "I think everyone needs a mentor," Mack said. "I don't think any of us really know the answers without a little bit of wisdom. If you aren't willing to be humble enough to seek wisdom from other people, I think you're missing a lot of really incredible opportunities to build a certain amount of depth and value in your life that you wouldn't have if you didn't have somebody to help guide you. I chose to have this mentor in my life, and I was talking to him about my struggle, confusion, and not knowing what to do. He said, 'Why don't you take some time and think about? Give yourself some space to figure out who you are now.' So that's what I did." At the time, maybe, that just sounded like glowing praise. Now, in hindsight... more like indoctrination? Photos Famous TV & Movie Cults Mack has since pleaded guilty to racketeering after being accused in 2018 along with Raniere of sex trafficking and other crimes related to what has been widely referred to as a "sex cult" that Raniere led under the shield of a lucrative, albeit dodgy, self-help company he operated out in the open for decades, backed by deep-pocketed believers and applauded by satisfied customers, even as reporters and authorities closed in. In June, Raniere was convicted on all counts, including sex trafficking, forced labor conspiracy, wire fraud conspiracy, racketeering and possession of child pornography. And tonight, Escaping the NXIVM Cult: A Mother's Fight to Save Her Daughter, starring Peter Facinelli as Raniere and Sara Fletcher as Mack, premieres on Lifetime. Gretchen Carlson hosts a documentary special on the case that airs directly afterward. Chris Reardon/Lifetime Meanwhile, Raniere's sentencing, previously scheduled for Sept. 25, has been postponed until at least January 2020 because his pre-sentencing report won't be finished until November, at the earlier. He's facing the possibility of life in prison. Mack's sentencing, originally set for Sept. 11, has also been postponed; she's facing a maximum sentenced of 40 years in prison. "I must take full responsibility for my conduct and that is why I am pleading guilty today," Mack said, sobbing, as she entered her plea in federal court in Brooklyn this past April. "I am and will be a better person as a result of this." She stood accused of recruiting women for a sex slavery ring led by Raniere, who was arrested in March 2018 near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Mexican and American authorities had tracked him to a $10,000-a-week villa inside a luxurious gated community. According to authorities, the women he was living with sped after the agents as they left with him in their car, apparently reluctant to let Raniere—called "The Vanguard" by his acolytes—go. The CW According to the federal criminal complaint filed against him, as the leader of the Albany, N.Y.-based NXIVM (pronunced "nexium," like the heartburn medication) since 2003, Raniere "maintained a rotating group of fifteen to twenty women with whom he maintains sexual relationships. These women are not permitted to have sexual relationships with anyone but Raniere or to discuss with others their relationship with Raniere. Some of the Nxivm curriculum included teachings about the need for men to have multiple sexual partners and the need for women to be monogamous." Within NXIVM was DOS, a "secret society" within the group made up of women who were considered to be struggling in the program and were then tasked with recruiting other women to join. In order to join, potential members had to provide "collateral" in the form of compromising photos or videos, or other information about themselves or family members that they would not want made public should they be inclined to cut ties with DOS (the name derived from a Latin phrase that could translate as "Lord/Master of the Obedient Female Companions" or "The Vow") or refuse sex with Raniere. "DOS operates as a pyramid with levels of 'slaves' headed by 'masters,'" the charges continued. "Slaves are expected to recruit slaves of their own (thus becoming masters themselves), who in turn owe services not only to their own masters but also to masters over them in the DOS pyramid." The women were also submitted to a branding ritual, in which a symbol integrating Raniere's initials was seared into their skin near their pubic region, the complaint further alleged. Read The Post-Prison Situation: What Celebrities Have Really Done When... And they weren't just used for sex, but for banal errands such as coffee runs, and they'd be asked to perform weird, random challenges, like holding a plank position on demand, the complaint further alleged. Also according to the charges, Raniere would have some women severely cut their caloric intake because he preferred sexual partners who were very thin. Keith Raniere Conversations Youtube Overall, under the guise of offering self-help and what amounted to life coaching, Raniere was running an elaborate pyramid scheme in which women paid for his tutelage and could only move up the ladder of personal growth by forking over more cash, with a five-day workshop costing upward of $5,000. "The Nxivm curriculum taught that women had inherent weaknesses including 'overemotional' natures, an inability to keep promises and embracing the role of victim," the complaint continued, per the Washington Post. "Nxivm operates largely in secrecy. Nxians were often required to sign non-disclosure agreements and to make promises not to reveal certain things about Nxivm's teachings." Read The Ultimate NXIVM Trial Guide: Keith Raniere's Conviction, Disturbing... A letter posted on the NXIVM website in late 2017 from Raniere in response to a New York Times investigation and other reports which included interviews with women who said they were branded and subjected to other abusive treatment, read, "I am deeply saddened by the recent news relating to our organization, a number of key people involved, and past friends. Seth Wenig/AP/Shutterstock "The picture being painted in the media is not how I know our community and friends to be, nor how I experience it myself. However, as an organization and as individuals, we felt it was imperative that we hire experts to ensure there is no merit to the allegations. "Over the past months, there have been extensive independent investigations performed, by highly qualified individuals, and they have firmly concluded that there is no merit to the allegations that we are abusing, coercing or harming individuals. These allegations are most disturbing to me as non-violence is one of my most important values." Raniere also maintained that he wasn't associated with "the sorority," nor was it a part of NXIVM, the umbrella company comprising Executive Success Programs Inc., the professional and personal coaching business he co-founded in 1998 with former nurse, therapist and hypnosis expert Nancy Salzman—the "Prefect" to his "Vanguard," whose upstate New York home was also searched by the FBI after Raniere's arrest. Salzman eventually stood accused of identity theft and falsifying records in relation to a lawsuit filed against the company, and has since pleaded guilty to racketeering conspiracy. Keith Ranere Conversations/Youtube A 2018 statement from NXIVM read: "In response to the allegations against our founder, Keith Raniere, we are currently working with the authorities to demonstrate his innocence and true character. We strongly believe the justice system will prevail in bringing the truth to light. We are saddened by the reports perpetuated by the media and their apparent disregard for 'innocent until proven guilty,' yet we will continue to honor the same principles on which our company was founded. It is during the times of greatest adversity that integrity, humanity and compassion are hardest, and needed most." Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage Allison Mack was accused of being a DOS recruiter between February 2016 and February 2017, having risen to just below Raniere in the DOS hierarchy. She pleaded not guilty and was released on a $5 million bond into the custody of her parents. "As alleged in the indictment, Allison Mack recruited women to join what was purported to be a female mentorship group that was, in fact, created and led by Keith Raniere,"Richard P. Donoghue, U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of New York, said in a statement following her arrest. "The victims were then exploited, both sexually and for their labor, to the defendants' benefit. This Office and our law enforcement partners are committed to prosecuting predators who victimize others through sex trafficking and forced labor." Added FBI Assistant Director-in-Charge William Sweeney, "Today we announce an additional arrest, and an indictment, in a case that brought to light an inconceivable crime. As this pyramid scheme continues to unravel, we ask anyone who might have been a victim to reach out to us with information that may further our investigation." A consumer-fraud complaint filed in the summer of 2017 in New York by a former NXIVM member, who was demanding a refund of $9,000 spent on self-improvement programs, wrote in documents obtained by USA Today, "This company is a cult preying on vulnerable men and women who are looking for a credible self help program. Unless forcible confinement, branding, sex with students, and taking people who disagree with the program to court is a bona fide business in New York then I suggest all fees and tuition collected are baseless and fraudulent." Read Inside the Tangled Web of NXIVM: The Surprising Players Sucked Into the... While the federal complaint stopped short of calling NXIVM a cult, and Raniere and active members denied being a cult, experts on the subject say the organization checked off all the boxes, from its charismatic leader to its focus on separating members from their families and other non-believers. "In my opinion, NXIVM is one of the most extreme groups I have ever dealt with in the sense of how tightly wound it is around the leader, Keith Raniere," Rick Ross, a cult tracker who at the time was embroiled in year nine of an ongoing legal battle with NXIVM (he was sued for exposing too much of its teaching practices while writing about and discussing the program), told Albany's Times-Union. (The newspaper published a four-part series about Raniere and his businesses in 2012 after a year-long investigation and continued to closely follow NXIVM.) Ross likened him to Branch Davidian leader David Koresh. "Cults come in all forms," Alexandra Stein, author of Terror, Love and Brainwashing and holder of a PhD in the sociology of cults, told Rolling Stone while talking about NXIVM. "Religious, political, self-help, therapy, sports/martial arts, commercial, business. If someone is promising you the world and starting to do [those] other things, beware." And then there's the preying on vulnerable females. Ben Mark Holzberg/The CW After Raniere's arrest, Mack's former Smallville co-star Kristin Kreuk tweeted that she had taken an Executive Success Programs/NXIVM course called an "intensive" to help her combat her shyness, but had left the program five years prior and had had "minimal contact" with anyone else still involved. "The accusations that I was in the 'inner circle' or recruited women as 'sex slaves' are blatantly false," stated the actress (who was not charged or otherwise officially implicated in any crime). "During my time I never witnessed any illegal or nefarious activity. I am horrified and disgusted by what has come out about DOS. Thank you to all of the brave women who have come forward to share their stories and expose DOS; I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. I am deeply disturbed and embarrassed to have been associated with NXIVM. I hope that the investigation leads to justice for all of those affected." Kreuk went on to star on the CW's Beauty & the Beast, and now toplines the Canadian legal drama Burden of Truth. Photos TV's Most Killer True Crime Transformations Authorities said that the FBI had built their case against Raniere with the help of eight female victims following years of media scrutiny and state-level investigations into his former businesses as well as NXIVM. In 1993 Raniere was sued by the New York Attorney General's Office, which alleged that his multilevel marketing business Consumers' Buyline was a pyramid scheme. He agreed to close the business and pay a $40,000 settlement, but by 2003 had only paid $9,000. Next he started another multilevel marketing company, National Health Network, selling vitamins. According to Forbes, Raniere met Nancy Salzman in 1997 when she was going through a difficult time and, after a few days of persuasion, she became his business partner. She also loaned his then-girlfriend Toni Natalie $50,000 for National Health Network (which was registered in her name) and became her therapist. Natalie's eight-year relationship with Raniere ended in 1998 and NHN folded in 1999. "What he kind of does is he elicits as much information as he can, almost as a friend you're sharing with," Natalie told USA Today in March 2018. "Then he takes those things and he manipulates you with them." Meanwhile, Raniere went on to start Executive Success Programs with Salzman. Dave Benett/Getty Images; Mary Altaffer/AP/REX/Shutterstock In 2003, Forbes reported that Executive Success Program's devotees over the years had included BET co-founder Sheila Johnson; onetime U.S. Surgeon General Antonia C. Novello; Seagram chairman Edgar Bronfman Sr. and his daughters Clare and Sara Bronfman; and former Mexican president Vicente Fox's daughter Ana Cristina Fox. By then there was already controversy regarding Raniere's practices, questions of whether he was a charlatan cashing in on the (still-ongoing) fulfill-your-potential-for-a-fee fad or was manipulating people in a cult-like fashion for more nefarious reasons. Forbes featured Raniere on the cover and the story was titled "Cult of Personality." Epix/Getty Images "I think it's a cult," Bronfman, who died in 2013, told Forbes. The billionaire said at the time that he hadn't talked to his daughters in months and then-24-year-old Clare Bronfman had loaned $2 million to the group. (Clare denied that. Vanity Fair reported in 2010 that Clare and sister Sara continued to give Raniere millions of dollars for NXIVM, and they were identified as members as recently as 2017). In the fall of 2017, former Dynasty actress Catherine Oxenberg told the New York Times that her daughter India had joined the secret society within NXIVM and, though she had lost weight and said she hadn't gotten her period in a year, India defended what she was going through as "a character-building experience." Oxenberg's book, Captive: A Mother's Crusade to Save Her Daughter From the Terrifying Cult NXIVM, provided the source material for the Lifetime movie. Meanwhile, Raniere insisted in 2003 that, though he had claimed to have made tens of millions of dollars, he wasn't in it for the money, calling his life "a somewhat church-mouse-type existence," and telling Forbes, somewhat cryptically, "I consider everything payment for what I've done." Sonia Recchia/WireImage Canadian actress Sarah Edmondson, once a devoted follower of Raniere, tweeted in support of Kreuk in 2018, writing, "For the record, my dear friend @MsKristinKreuk was never in the inner circle of #NXIVM. She never recruited sex slaves and has been out since 2013 before shit got weird. She is a lovely person who should not be dragged into this mess. Thank you. #Cult #DOS #freedom #TRUTH." Recalling the branding ritual that new DOS members were required to undergo, Edmondson and others told the New York Times in the fall of 2017 that they were instructed to say, "Master, please brand me, it would be an honor." And then the smell of burning flesh filled the room. "I wept the whole time," Edmondson recalled. "I disassociated out of my body." The Vancouver native filed a complaint in 2017 with the New York State Department of Health against Dr. Danielle Roberts, the osteopath she says did the branding. She received a letter back from the agency (posted by the Times) informing her they wouldn't be investigating Roberts because the action in question didn't occur "within the doctor-patient relationship," but should be reported to law enforcement; a state police investigator said they wouldn't be pressing charges because the action had been consensual. Read How Cults Take Hold in Hollywood: The Myth of Manson and Beyond Edmondson told the Times that she had been invited starting in January 2017 by NXIVM teacher (and Nancy Salzman's daughter) Lauren Salzman, whom she considered a close friend and mentor, to become one of the women who would recruit others to join. "She made it sound like a bad-ass bitch boot camp," the actress said, claiming that Lauren told her that the proposed group was "kind of strange and top secret and in order for me to tell you about it you need to give me something as collateral to make sure you don't speak about it." It was at Lauren's home in Clifton Park, N.Y., where the branding ceremony took place, Edmondson said. (Lauren has pleaded guilty to racketeering and racketeering conspiracy.) After the branding, Edmondson and her husband, Anthony Ames, decided they both wanted to leave NXIVM. Later the organization (which tended to suggest that ex-members would say anything to take it down out of spite), filed a complaint against Edmondson and two other women with Vancouver police, accusing them of mischief and other criminal activity. The ladies denied all accusations against them. Photos Reality Stars Who Have Been Behind Bars "No one goes in looking to have their personality stripped away," Mark Vicente, a filmmaker and former member who once made a glowing documentary about Raniere (and who first recommended NXIVM to Edmondson), told the New York Times. "You just don't realize what is happening." He followed his wife in leaving after she, as an ex-member, was shunned and then got wind of a secret all-female society. Edmondson has written her own memoir, Scarred: The True Story of How I Escaped NXIVM, the Cult that Bound My Life, and she told Refinery 29 recently that she was responsible for recruiting at least 2,000 people into the program over the years. "I have a lot of guilt about the people I brought in, but if there's one thing I can hang my hat on, it's that I never lied," the actress said. "I thought Keith Raniere was the greatest, wisest, most brilliant man on Earth. I had no idea what was going on with the women and everything that came out in the FBI's investigation. Charley Gallay/Getty Images Catherine Oxenberg was unrelenting in her quest to get her daughter out of Raniere's clutches, insisting to whoever would listen that she felt India's life was in danger. "She's one of the kindest people and I believe that her goodness and her kindness are being used against her," Oxenberg said on Today in November 2017. The actress turned star of the reality series I Married a Princess unwittingly brought India to an introductory Executive Success Programs session six years beforehand. "I thought it was kind of an innocuous, personal-growth, self-help business-oriented program," she explained. And her daughter loved it, opting to participate in more and more classes. After her mother talked to the New York Times, India Oxenberg wrote on Facebook on Oct. 19, 2017, "I'm absolutely fine, great actually. I would never put myself or the people I love into any danger." After denying requests for an interview with Raniere or other officials, NXIVM turned away Today's reporting team when they drove to the Albany facility to ask for answers in person, Kelly said. NBC News was directed to a previous NXIVM statement that the company "firmly opposes and condemns violence, victimhood, dishonor and abuse." Mother and daughter reunited once Raniere's trial got underway, and Catherine wrote in Captive that she considered it a major step in the right direction when India said she was willing to entertain the idea that she had been manipulated by the people she had trusted. "I'm open to that possibility, Mom," India told her. Photos Lifetime's 35 Craziest Moments in 35 Years "He was pretending, it seems to me, now that I'm out, to be an ambassador for women," Sarah Edmondson mused to VICE Canada about Raniere in 2017. "An ambassador to help women get over these things so they can be strong. I did ten eight-day trainings. So 80 14-hour days on this particular topic. That's a lot of time. And there was a lot of information plugged in there that I'm just sorting out now, like what do I believe, what do I not believe." Later on she said, "I felt fear after I was in, after I committed, and when I gave more collateral to commit—that's when I gave a nude photo and video testimonials—trash talking all the important relationships in my life. That's what I did to collateralize. Which, by the way, was nothing compared to what other women gave. I didn't find that out until later. Other women gave full frontal videos of themselves, I wonder where those went. I didn't want my collateral to be released, which is how they kept us quiet." Edmondson acknowledged that people had told her that she could've just left, but "I just didn't feel like that was an option at the time." Photos True Crime: Kidnapping Survivors "Keith made me feel precious to him," Christine Marie, who was a divorced mother of four when she first met Raniere in 1998, told the Albany Times-Union in 2012. "He touched me gently on the side of the face and told me that I was such an innocent, pure soul that I didn't even belong on this planet." Christine said he hired her to write marketing materials for National Health Network and then for Executive Success Programs. Then "Keith explained that it might help me if I would be physical with him," Marie told the paper. After they slept together, she said, Raniere "sat me down and told me I was now part of his inner circle and committed for life and I could never be physically involved with another man." He, however, said he was still involved with other women. "I found it fascinating that these beautiful, smart women knew about each other and didn't seem upset to share Keith," Christine continued. "I thought they were all extraordinary women. Still, it seemed like secret polygamy to me, and I remember feeling sorry for them, too. As I understood it, they had to share the man they loved, they couldn't publicly celebrate their love with a wedding, they couldn't be with any other man, and they had to sacrifice a normal family life for what they believed was a higher cause." She said that Raniere helped extricate her from a toxic relationship with another man in 2000—a Utah cult leader, according to the Times-Union—and Keith called him "a suppressive parasite who was taking advantage of me, who was attracted to my light and wanted to destroy me while benefiting from my life work. Keith wanted me to understand that I was being exploited by a cult leader who was nothing more than a con artist. He made a lot of sense." Christine said that, largely because of her children, she ultimately figured out that she shouldn't go from the clutches of one guru type to another, though "Nancy Salzman could not fathom why I would make my family my priority when I was so desperately in need of their thought-reform program. I felt an intense amount of pressure to go. But in the end, I did not go. I did not join NXIVM, and I did not become part of Keith Raniere's inner circle." Read Helter Skelter Askew: Why the Story Behind the Manson Family Murders Is... "April of 1999 was the last time I laid eyes on Keith Raniere," his ex-girlfriend Toni Natalie told USA Today in 2018, before Raniere's arrest. "My brother came in and started what he called 'negotiating my release' because having a conversation with Keith that was easy or normal wasn't possible." Litigation kept them connected. A bankruptcy court judge wrote in a 2009 decision, "This matter smacks of a jilted fellow's attempt at revenge or retaliation against his former girlfriend, with many attempts at tripping her up along the way." "I live by the premise that it's going to come; it's just when is it going to come," Natalie said. "Because until he's dead or in jail, this is what my life is." She concluded, "The last thing my mother said to me that was clear before she died was: 'Toni, you're not crazy. And don't let them make you think you're crazy, because you're not.'" Elizabeth Williams via AP, File In a video since taken down but which was circulating around the time of her arrest, Allison Mack was seen getting emotional in an undated conversation with Raniere. "As individuals we strive to break through a type of existential isolation," he told her. "We want to touch someone, we want to know that other people have souls. We want to experience this. We want to experience connection, things like what we call love and compassion—even something like as I say connection or rapport, some people call it, an energy or whatever." Even when talking to our devices, we imbue them with human characteristics, he said. Asked why she was getting so emotional, Mack, wiping away tears, said, "I don't know, 'cause it seems like it's a...something that I just...I feel like I want it, authenticity." Her blog appeared to have been taken down by March 2018, but Mack would regularly link to new posts via Twitter. In a cached post linked to by FoxNews.com, she wrote about what sounded like her discovery of NXIVM after living her life "conflicted." Mark Lennihan/AP/REX/Shutterstock "A collective inspiring a community of strong, authentically empowered women to own themselves in a way that has never been seen or understood before?" she wrote. "It sounded like the perfect blend of what I was looking for! So I took the leap and enrolled in a weekend workshop and within the first few hours I knew I had found my people." "Many years later, the curriculum continues to guide me through the maze of my inner world shining light on the dark corners of my psychodynamic revealing confusions and insecurities that have hindered the expression of the authentic, empowered woman I have always sought to embody. I embrace so much more of myself now and am beginning to understand what it takes to grow into the vision of the woman of our times."

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velvetcream03-blog · 6 years ago

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Pregnancy / Third Trimester

Excited to chat with you and share more pregnancy updates. I am currently 37.5 weeks as I am writing this but wanted to get this post up before baby came! Hope you enjoy these updates and if there is anything else you are dying to know, please leave me a comment on this blog post and I will be sure to answer in the comments below. Also, can you even with these photos of Lola?? Her eyes just melt me.

WEIGHT GAINED As of the start of week 37, I have gained 21 pounds.

HOW BIG IS BABY By week 37, Baby is the size of a head of romaine lettuce. A little over 6 lbs!

BABY MOVEMENT This baby is having a dance party on the inside. Of what I have read, movements start to get smaller because there is less room to be moving around but I feel like for me personally movements are bigger and more of them! Baby has been head down since week 18 and his little foot/leg has been kicking and pushing me on the left this whole time. It’s crazy how I can feel it. Getting alot of pressure and punches in my lady parts (sorry… TMI) but little man is making his own plans to break out of uterus jail. HA.

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY Heartburn + Reflux: I have never really experienced the kind of heartburn and reflux that I have with pregnancy and my heart goes out to people that have to deal with these symptoms in their normal non-preggo lives. It’s funny because Blake actually has always struggled with reflux and now… I feel his pain. When you are pregnant a lot of your muscles start to relax because of all the hormones and heartburn and reflux can pop up out of nowhere. And HOLY CRAP. It’s bad.

I had started feeling burning in my throat over the beginning weeks in this trimester and everything hit the fan one night. I had eaten an early dinner at 6pm at a favorite mexican spot and enjoyed chips and salsa and then a simple dinner and was out for much of the night on my feet. That night I went to bed and work up at 2am feeling hot, sweaty, and sick…. And then I vomited like 7 times from the reflux. That whole night was sheer hell. The next day…. Equally hellish. I remember crying to Blake that if the whole third trimester was going to be like this… I don’t know how I would survive it.

Luckily I had a doctors appointment soon after that and now take pepcid extra strength 20 mg morning and night. It’s been literally saving me. I have still had some instances of reflux even taking the meds but it’s helping so much so I am incredibly grateful. Other things I do are eat an earlier dinner, avoid reflux trigger foods at night and never lay down after eating. Now at 37 weeks luckily these symptoms have slowed down for me.

Peeing my pants: Guys, still peeing my pants on the regular. Since the baby has dropped lower I have alot more pressure on my bladder and I have to hit the bathroom again constantly. Almost more so than the first trimester.

Hello Nausea: I feel like week 28 hit and the nausea was instantly back. Just when I thought I had left that nasty symptom in the past… it came back. Luckily the nausea is not 24/7 and comes and goes some days and not other days. At least I know to keep extra snacks and crackers with me and that’s been helping.

Fat foot: If you follow me on instagram… you know the story of “Fat Foot.” It’s the dead of Summer heat where I live and even the humidity is up. The last 2 weeks my one foot has been swelling the minute I start to be on my feet as well as going outside. It almost started happening out the blue. My one foot swells incredibly and the other does not. It’s super bizarre. I spoke to my doctor and she said that sometimes one foot can swell more than the other depending on the side of the body the baby is favoring. Honestly there isn’t much I can do about but I will tell you what I have been doing. When I can, I will wear compression socks around the house but honestly, it’s so hot I don’t do this that often. I also do ice water baths to help with the inflammation. I also elevate my feet whenever possible. So for now, I just have to make fun of my fat foot and do the best I can. I hear the swelling can last after delivery as well so hoping fat foot disappears sometime soon.

Exhaustion: The exhaustion is REAL in the third trimester. I feel like when it hits 4pm, I become utterly useless. Knowing my body just runs out of steam so much quicker, I try to really focus earlier in the day. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who pretty much makes dinner every night so that I can keep my feet up and rest most nights. I think the important thing is that I listen to my body and rest when I need it.

The Uncomfortable Stage: Basically at a certain point during the day, my body is just completely uncomfortable. With baby almost at max capacity pushing on all my organs… my body is just FULL. Not much room for anything. So I become increasingly uncomfortable as the day goes on and by the evening, I feel like baby is pushing up into my boobs and pushing down on my bladder all at the same time.

Braxton Hicks?: I could not tell you if I really had braxton hicks yet but I will say that I have had some pain centered in the lower part of my pelvis come and go. It’s hard to pin point what all these sensations, pains and aches really are since this is my first child. But I will say, things are happening.

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY Everyone keeps asking me “How I am feeling??” “Are you ready?” “Are you anxious? Excited?” Basically it’s ALL OF THE ABOVE. I have been pretty upfront with you guys that the process of being pregnant isn’t always my favorite. Pregnancy is HARD WORK and once the third trimester rolls around, these last few weeks can be extra challenging. I am both ready to meet our little man TOMORROW! And also feel like, “OMG I NEED MORE TIME TO PREPARE!” It’s a huge mixed bag of emotions. But really, we are so ready to meet our little baby and I think the sheer will to just meet him will start to disappear any of the lingering anxiety that might be there.

I am not going to lie, Labor has been on my mind and it scare me going into this big unknown process. We did take prepared childbirth classes at the hospital so they did paint a bigger picture for the birth scenarios that can typically take place in the hospital. While some of these classes were a big alarming, I will say that I am someone fueled by information. So educating myself on the process was important in helping me to enter into labor with an open mind. People always ask if we have a birth plan and the answer is no. I know babies tend to have a plan of their own and especially after going through the fertility process… I have had to give up alot of control and put trust in the process. My only labor preference if I can make one is to have an epidural. That is really one of my only preferences at the moment. Bottom line is that whatever it is that gets my baby out safely and healthy, that is what I want to do. I have tremendous trust in my doctor and the hospital and I know they will guide me in the right direction for my baby. My personal philosophy will be to go with the flow. Now, this is easier said than done but my goal is that with this kind of mindset will get me through this wild experience. So while the nerves are going, so is the excitement. I am only putting out good vibes for a great labor, healthy baby, and happy mama. Everyone LOVES to try to tell me their horror stories but you know what, check your story at the door. Nothing but good vibes over here that I am putting out to the universe. At one of our last appointments… and this is going to be a bit graphic… but the doctor said, “Ooo I feel his head!”… HOLY FREAKING CRAP. It put things into perspective just how soon we are going to meet our baby!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like wow. Blake and I had this huge smile and amazement on our face. How did we get so lucky to make it to this point. So much gratitude is filling these last few weeks of pregnancy you have no idea.

FETAL DIAGNOSTICS APPOINTMENTS Since the doctors discovered my marginal cord insertion, I have been getting monthly growth ultrasounds to check in and make sure that baby’s growth is on track. Everything has been perfect so far so we are very grateful to be tracking this. In addition to this, we started going to fetal diagnostics at 35 weeks. This entails going to the hospital and having baby’s heart and movements monitored for 20-40 minutes 2x a week. I also have my fluids checked to make sure everything is looking good. It’s alot of extra time for doctors appointments but whatever it takes to keep an eye on our baby boy I would do in a heartbeat. It also ends up giving Blake and I peace of mind knowing baby is growing and looking good.

HOW I’M SLEEPING I still sleep surprisingly well, all things considered. I wake up some nights to use the bathroom in the middle of the night but not every night. I do take unisom every night to help me sleep. My doctor suggested it when I was having troubles with restless sleeping and it’s REALLY helped me.

EXERCISE My energy levels are much lower than they have been so I have not been getting to the gym as much this trimester. I do try to push myself to go walk for 30 minutes on the treadmill when I am up for it. I do still go to prenatal yoga once a week to continue and keep up with all my stretching and mindfulness practices. I continue to listen to my body and if I really don’t feel up to making it to the gym, I take time and rest. It’s so important that I listen to what my body needs.

CHALLENGES Tying my shoes: Thank goodness that Blake can help to tie my shoes some days or take my shoes off. Basically things close to the floor are now dead to me. Hahahaha.

Full stomach: I barely have any room for dinner these days. I am just so full by the time dinner time rolls around so sometimes eating dinner is a big struggle. I try to really enjoy a bigger breakfast or lunch when my appetite and stomach allow for a bigger meal. We also try to eat dinner a bit on the earlier side as well.

Body slowing down: I think it’s hard to accept that my body has slowed down quite a bit in this last trimester. I try to push myself to my original limits but I just can’t do some of the things I used to do because I don’t have the energy, or I am physically just unable to do them. All of this is ok but it’s funny because you expect to be able to do certain things and it always comes to be a shock at first when you can’t. The heat has been finally getting to me and slowing me down big time. Thank goodness we have air conditioning so I can be home in my icebox while Blake tries to play thermostat wars with me. If you want to know how to anger a pregnant lady, just mess with her thermostat. YOU WILL LOSE. HA!

WHAT I’M WEARING Most days if I am running errands or working at the house I am in gym or lounge clothes. Whatever is most comfortable. If I am getting dresses, I basically rotate through all my tank dresses. It’s what I am most comfortable. Since I am nearing the end of pregnancy, I have put a hold on buying anymore clothes. So I am mostly cycling through my favorite pieces that still fit. This includes dresses like this, this, this and this. I have also loved dressier pieces from naked wardrobe which are surprisingly lined pretty well.

JUST THE TWO OF US (plus Lola!) Blake and I have been making it a point to head to our favorite restaurants and just spend time doing some of the things we love just the two of us (or with Lola by our side!). Alot of my mom friends recommended we take advantage of this time and make date night a big priority. So we are doing that big time. We are also making sure to do some extra special things with Lola. Extra trips to the beach to sit and read our kindles. Enjoying our quiet time sleeping in and enjoying this special time before our family grows.

BABY PREPARATIONS Our nursery is ALMOST complete!!! We are just waiting on the dresser to arrive. Of course… it might arrive after baby but you know what, it’s no big deal. I organized everything that would go into the dresser into bins and we set up a folding table in it’s place temporarily so that we could set up our changing pad etc to still have everything ready. Can’t wait for the dresser to arrive so the we can complete the room and get some photos to share with you. The room is feeling so ZEN to me and I know baby boy is going to love it.

We finally set up our SNOO this weekend so I am SO excited to finally put this thing into action. Since we plan to have the baby in the bassinet in our bedroom, I have my night light set up on my nightstand already and we will have some baby goodies set up in our bedroom for those late night feedings and diaper changes. We also set up our baby monitor (which Blake picked out) as well as our little owlet. I am so all about all of this great tech baby stuff and have heard amazing reviews from some of my mama friends. So I will be excited to finally try them out myself and report back if they live up to the hype.

I am also in FULL ON nesting mode. I have been cleaning out my closet, going through my dresser drawers, and all out prepping as much as possible to get our house clean and organized for baby. Even Blake is nesting hard making sure we are organized.

Our hospital bags are finally packed! You can get a sneak peek of what we are packing here but I am shooting photos for my blog post this week so I hope to share that soon for all your mamas-to-be that have sent me questions asking what we are bringing. I am also still working on my registry post for you guys. Stay tuned.

WHATS NEXT Baby watch is in full effect. With less than 3 weeks till my due date who knows what could happen!! I continue to go to fetal monitoring 2x a week as well as my weekly doctors appointments from here on out. Basically we are just waiting to meet our little person and I can’t wait for the day I get to share him with the world. I can’t wait to meet you Baby Boy.

Source: https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2018/08/13/pregnancy-third-trimester/

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