#i really poured my whole heart into this because i really wanted to relay how much i love all of you

[starrzhao]

what are the odds? | k.tr

synopsis you've tried numerous attempts in confessing to taerae but somehow it always ends up turning into unfortunate accidents…misleading taerae into thinking you hate him at some poor attempts

pairing taerae x gn!reader

genre romance, fluff, humor, angst if you squint

word count 9.6k

content/tags sfw, miscommunication/misunderstanding trope, university!au setting, part-time barista!taerae

warnings I am not funny but I tried, swearing, a lotta things are unrealistic (anyways it’s fiction lol) , the y/n here is kind of a dumbass sorry (to clarify, you are not dumb at all! I’m just referring to the mc here 😭😞), low-key gave up halfway so things may be messy, will try to edit and proofread later when I have the time

featuring former boys planet trainees, kum junhyeon , park hanbin , cha woongki and seowon

taglist @leagreenly @kpoprhia @dimplewonie @shanb1n @wtfhyuck @mikaymee (kindly send an ask/dm if you’d like to be added or removed)

HOW IT ALL STARTED

One of your friends, sung hanbin had decided to host an open-mic event at his cafe for the first time. At first, you didn’t want to go because of the number of assignments you had all piled up as your horridly long to-do list was desperate for your attention. but your friend was also desperate too, begging you to come as he was afraid only a few people would bother to show up.

So being the good friend you are (and terrible procrastinator looking for an excuse to not do work), you decided to go. Your other friends, zhanghao, ricky and junhyeon also tagged along to support as well.

To your surprise, the cafe was actually really full, more and more people rolled in every hour and although you loved to socialize, your battery was draining from seeing the number of people at a high.

There were a lot of talented people who took the stage. With some pouring out their emotions with their personal spoken-word poetry, some inducing laughter with stand-up comedy and some taking the stage to sing their heart out with a touching ballad or a fun pop song.

It was a particularly entertaining night but with the number of people increasing in the cafe, it was draining and dreadful to be with a swarm of people. It wasn’t that you didn’t like to socialize, it was just suffocating to be in a large crowded cafe.

It was 1 am but the open-mic was still lively and has yet to reach its end with a quite big number of people still waiting in line to take the stage.

“I want to go home.” You yawn before comfortably resting your head on the table as you hear another poetry number.

“I gotta go I have a 7 am class tomorrow, the professor will rip my head off if I’m late again. I already told hanbin so he won’t kill me. Bye guys.” Ricky was the first one to leave from your group, bidding you guys a farewell.

Hanbin begged you guys to stay throughout the whole open mic to ensure there was going to be an audience for every performer. As the hours passed, less and less people were at the cafe.

“Thank you to everyone who came today especially to the ones who decided to stay until the end of our event. Now we know there’s still some of you who wish to perform their piece tonight but I’m afraid we have to end it after one last performance. Do not fret, there will be another open-mic event in the future! I hope to see you all stop by again. “ Hanbin relays his closing remarks for the event.

“And now, to finally wrap our event, let’s give the stage to the last but definitely not the least, kim taerae! Let’s all give it up for him.” Claps and cheers echoed through the room for the last performer. A young man walked into the stage with a guitar in his hand, he was dressed in a white denim jacket with a pair of blue jeans and his hair was styled in a little messy perm. He enters the stage and greets the crowd with a sweet smile.

“Hello everyone! I am kim taerae and to end today’s open-mic on a good note, I will be singing man in love by infinite. Hope you enjoy.” You were a little surprised at his low voice. You get up from your position and sit uptight, eager to watch the performance of the new man you found attractive. From his looks and to his speaking voice, he already seemed promising .

The moment he started singing, you melted over his vocals. His voice was quite deep yet also so sweet and soft. His voice was so captivating and everyone in the audience was in awe.

The performance was so satisfying and heartwarming to watch. He was also looking into the eyes of the members of the audience as if he was in a concert. At one point, your eyes meet and you felt your heart skip a beat as he flashed a charming bright smile as his eyes met yours for a moment.

At that moment, you felt your world stop for a moment like you have just met eye-to-eye with the love of your life. All throughout the performance, you felt as if you two were the only one there. As if taerae was pouring all those words out to you.

Soon, the song had finally come to an end and the crowd loudly claps and cheers, everyone was swooned by his heartfelt performance.

“Thank you everyone, hope you all enjoyed the night and get home safe. Take care!” He bids his farewell and everyone immediately stands up from their seats, ready to leave the event.

The next day arrived and here you were on your first day in a new class. You were sleep deprived and was trying your hardest not to fall asleep as soon as you sat down.

Everyone else chatted about whatever went on in their lives. A lot of the others already knew each other too. You were sitting in the back with no one next to you, feeling slightly out of place.

“Hey may I sit here?” A familiar low voice spoke. You get up and look at your left. Loe and behold, It was that sweet singer from yesterday.

“Yes of course.” You reply and flash a small smile.

“You’re kim taerae?”

“Oh yeah! How do you know me?

“I recognize you, you were at the open-mic last night at the cafe last night, right?”

“Ah yes that’s me!” He lightly chuckles in response.

“You were incredible last night, you were the perfect person to end the show. Your singing was amazing! It was so sweet and satisfying to hear. And then when y-I’m so sorry I think I’m rambling now.” His ears turned red from your compliment, keeping a shy smile on over the compliments you gave. You worried that you were doing too much.

“No no it’s fine! And thank you so much, I appreciate it, really.”

“ sorry I forgot to introduce myself but I’m y/n by the way. nice to meet you taerae.” You let your hand out to which he gladly shakes.

“And I’m well, as you already know haha, taerae but it’s very nice to meet you y/n. looking forward to getting to know you.” That sweet smile painted on his face as he seats himself next to you.

_________________________________

you have liked, actually no scratch that, you have been in love with taerae since the first day you met him..

After becoming seatmates on the first day and getting along, you were bound to see each other every week, and after talking to him during every class, sharing about anything and everything in your lives instead of actually paying attention to your lectures, your feelings had gotten stronger as you had gotten to know him more over the course of a few months

He was a very smart, humble and sweet person. A million words weren’t even enough to describe his personality. To top it all off, he was incredibly handsome too. He had that sweet signature smile that always brightened your day. It was hard not to fall for someone like him.

He also became a part-time employee at hanbin’s cafe, although you only every visited once a week to see hanbin, you started going everyday to see taerae.

_________________________________

“hey y/n we know that you’re down bad for mr. cutie pie over there but please pay attention to your friends.” junhyeon snaps at you from your trance after catching you once, again getting lost in your own world staring at taerae for the millionth time today.

currently, you and your friends were hanging at the cafe owned by hanbin located near your uni.

“Yeah, huh yes.” junhyeon and gunwook laugh at your reaction.

Speaking of the devil(or angel, you would think), taerae suddenly approaches your table.

“hey guys I’m clocking out now, just tell hanbin if you need anything. and y/n see you on monday!” he sends you his signature smile as he waves at your friends a farewell as he leaves the cafe.

“see you!” you were smiling so big at him, unaware of how you were smiling so big like a fool. junhyeon and gunwook giggle and whisper amongst themselves, teasing your absolutely lovesick state.

“yeah and they say they have a little crush, and they’ve been trying to hide it.” Junhyeon teases.

“Oh shut up.” You smack his arm and turn away, trying to hide your so painfully obvious blushing state.

“we are so sick of you shooting heart eyes at him for the longest time, oh god when do you plan on finally asking him out?” gunwook says.

“now that you mention it I think I’m planning on confessing to taerae soon.”

your friends dramatically gasp altogether. they certainly didn’t expect you to make a move a year after meeting him.

“You really are?”

“Yeah I was actually thinking of telling him after the open-mic tomorrow.”

“Ooooh how?” Sung hanbin chips in as he takes a seat at your table and casually sneaks a bite from zhanghao’s cheesecake sitting on the table.

“hey what the hell that’s mine, don’t think you’re so slick.” zhanghao snatches the fork from hanbin’s hand and hanbin chuckles at zhanghao’s annoyed state.

“hanbin what are you doing here aren’t you supposed to be working?” you turn to look at him and he comfortably sinks his back into the couch.

“you guys are the only ones here anyways and I’m closing the cafe in a bit. i also heard the words taerae and confess so of course I had to join in.”

“anyways moving back to the topic, how are you going to tell him” hanbin mentions once again.

“I was just planning on just simply saying it. All straight forward like hey.. I like you.”

Your friends squeal in excitement, you bury your face in your hands, embarrassed.

“I have a hunch he likes you too.” your ears turn red over what hanbin said, thinking the possibility of taerae reciprocating his feelings made you feel a little happy inside.

“Wishing you luck ” Hanbin pats your shoulder..

“Yeah like what are the odds that things could go wrong?”

RIGHT, WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

_________________________________

ATTEMPT 1 : THE OPEN MIC

“thank you for attending our open mic event this month ! I truly appreciate all your support and I’m always amazed by the talented performers that take on the stage. Hope you all get home safe and sound, thank you once again and I hope to see you again in our monthly open mic event once again next month.”

“Good luck.” Hanbin whispers in your year, sending you a fighting gesture as you proceed to look for taerae.

You look around and you spot him behind the cashier, currently counting a bunch of coins in his hand.

“Hey!” You catch the boy’s attention as he looks up and immediately flashes a smile as you near him.

“Hey what’s up? Did you enjoy tonight’s open-mic?”

“Yeah I did! And like always, you did absolutely amazing.” Taerae’s face flushing red after your compliment, you always found it so adorable when he’d get so shy.

“Uh taerae, I just wanted to tell you something.”

“Go ahead. I’m listening.” He places his arm on the counter, resting his chin on his palm, ready to listen to you.

“I don’t know where to begin..so the thing is.”

You take a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself for the moment.

“I’ve been keeping on eye on a certain someone for awhile now. Well whatever I shouldn’t be beating around the bush. I like-“

“Taerae! Let’s go!” A blue haired boy comes and wraps his arm around taerae’s neck, ruffling through his hair. You presumed it was the blue-haired roommate taerae always referred to in his stories about his dorm life.

“Later hanbin! Y/n’s trying to tell me something, go on..”

“Oh I’m so sorry I was interrupting something..”

“I like hearing the stories about your roommate, I wanted to meet him.” It just slipped. Forcing yourself to lie was defenitely not something you wanted to do but you felt too awkward to continue confessing.

“That’s me! Hello I am park hanbin, taerae’s amazing roommate that you hear about in his stories.” Hanbin winks at you, and puts his hand out. You shake his hand, pretending like you eagerly wanted to get to know him.

“Oh hey! That’s cool so I always heard really interesting stories about you so I’ve been dying to meet you.” You lied.

“I hear about you too, you seem cool. Hey wanna exchange numbers?”

“Yeah that’d be cool.” You and hanbin pull out your phones and quickly exchange numbers as taerae stands awkwardly behind the counter, witnessing your interaction.

“So uh i guess we can take our leave now? Thanks for coming today y/n and see you tomorrow during class!” Taerae pats hanbin’s shoulders, lowkey pushing him to go.

“Oh of course. See you taerae!” You smile and wave as they slowly take their leave.

“Nice to meet you y/n see you around too!” Hanbin cheekily throws a heart shooting gesture at you.

That was not definitely what you wanted to do.

_________________________________

PERHAPS A LETTER WILL DO?

“I don’t know if I can directly say it to him again.” You contemplated as you drew along your sketchbook. You were currently in ricky and zhanghao’s dorm, making a sketch of taerae as the two seriously focus on finishing their plates for their art classes due the next day, them being typical art students, while ranting about your confession process for the second time.

“Then perhaps you can try saying it to him by writing it in a letter instead?” Ricky suggests as he calmly moves the brush strokes against his canvas, multitasking listening to you while painting for his final’s project in his drawing and painting class.

“Writing him a letter-okay wait ricky I think that’s a great idea, I think i can do that.” you gasp as you turn to him, enlightened by the idea that doesn’t deal with direct confrontation.

“Eh but how are you doing it? Are you going to mail it? You know it’s a hassle and the courier rates are hell here or do you plan on just handing it to him then running away like an idiot. ” Zhanghao asks and you realize you didn’t fully grasp the idea yet. Writing down your feelings through a letter was definitely easier but how were you going to execute it?

“Hyung don’t be too pessimistic, it’s not so bad of an idea.” Ricky defends.

“Okay well..aha! I’ll just give it to him in the cafe after his shift, or I’ll just ask hanbin to slip it in his bag since I’m pretty sure it’d be impossible to slip it in during class.”

“Hmm..actually yeah that’s possible..not bad of an idea.”

“I’m a genius! oh hey guys look at my drawing, what do you think?” You flaunt your poorly drawn portrait of your crush and ricky lets out a huge laugh while zhanghao sends you a mortified look.

“is that taerae?” zhanghao points to your drawing, which was quite literally obvious as you wrote his name in red at the side.

“Yeah..i tried to draw him from memory.” You scratch the back of your head, embarrassed.

“Well as a fine arts student, I can definitely say it’s a drawing. Very abstract!” You send ricky a glare and smack his arm as he lets out a laugh.

“you should be thankful I didn’t pursue arts, picasso’s definitely shitting his pants right now.” You jokingly remarked.

“But I truly can’t draw at all what the hell.”

“It’s good that you know.” Ricky jokingly insults and you shoot him a glare.

You rip that paper from the sketchbook, folding it neatly and putting it to the side.

You open a new page, taking a deep breath before writing away your feelings on the paper. But everytime you wrote, your inner perfectionist fought you, making you restart the letter multiple times.

There were multiple pieces of papers scattered around ricky’s table and you had been stressing over it for over an hour and a half before finally finding the perfect words to say.

eventually you got all worn out from using all your brain power for the past hour as you fell asleep on ricky’s desk.

“psst, y/n you need to go, it’s getting late. “ at around 8pm, zhanghao wakes you up. You were a little groggy but you made sure to stand up and grab the letter as you leave. There were way too many paper in the desk and you had only remembered seeing the paper right next to you, but there were two, you bring the one on the right, assuming it was the letter.

_________________________________

you poured your heart out into the letter and made sure each and every word you said was heartfelt and true. you were about to pack the paper and you immediately hand it to hanbin upon arriving at the cafe in the morning. nervous yet also excited about sending taerae the letter.

and so, you wait for the next day to arrive.

_________________________________

“Hey taerae check your belongings before you leave! Need to make sure you don’t leave anything in the cafe, closing up in a bit.“ hanbin yells from the stock room as he secretly grins to himself. taerae rummages through his backpack, thoroughly checking through his things.

He finds a piece of paper in the front pocket and curiously, of course he opens it. Taerae immediately held his hand to his mouth, shocked over what he saw.

…

You anxiously waited for taerae to come to class as you fiddled with your fingers, afraid of what taerae’s reaction to the letter would be.

You spot taerae coming in and he waves at you from afar. You felt a sense of relief as you see taerae still openly greeting you and going your direction to take the seat next to yours like always.

“Hey. ” Taerae sits down and all of a sudden his face was painted with a hint of worry. You mentally start panicking over what he was going to say. Is he going to reject me? Tell me to get lost? Why does he lowkey looks scared? you thought

Taerae goes to grab something from his bag and you gulp nervously. He takes out a piece of paper and passes it to you.

“Oh taerae…”

“Open it.” He says and your hands shake a little as you open up the folded piece of paper, your heart was beating fast and taerae looked down on his desk, his hands clasped together, he just looked really anxious.

You open it and your eyes widen in shock.

“Oh shit.”

“Right? Isn’t it terrifying?” He points at the paper, hesitant to look at it. It was the poorly drawn portrait of him that you made when you were at hao and ricky’s dorm.

How the hell would you mess this up? And then it hit you, you grabbed the first paper you sw at the desk, assuming what you grabbed would be the letter.

“it’s scary to me because just look at the drawing, are they trying to say something about my appearance? And my name’s in red on the bottom. I thought it was a litte gift but when you think about it, would someone really gift you something like this.” You felt an arrow shoot through your heart. Not only did he just diss your drawing skills but he quickly assumed that this drawing was sent from a secret hater?

“what if they’re just shitty at drawing, you know but they were trying to do a nice little gesture?”

“But the red name, the poor handwriting, it just really feels like a hate message.” You felt your spirit leave your body.

“I don’t know I feel like I have to be on the lookout now, I’m scared someone’s coming after me.”

“YOU SENT HIM THE DRAWING?” ricky bursts out laughing at your failed mail delivery attempt.

“No oh my god my stomach hurts so much I can’t handle it..and the fact he thinks it’s a hate message is so fucking funny.” Ricky held onto stomach from laughing so hard and you glare at him. It was certainly not helping the embarrassment your were experiencing at the moment.

“Okay stop laughing dumbass it’s not funny.”

“Oh it is, it really is..” You smack his arm to make him get a grip and ricky lets out a loud ‘Ow’.

“Now what the fuck am I gonna do! I’m doomed!”

“You can always try again, you know? Maybe next time double check what you’re going to send to make sure you don’t send the love of your life your cursed looking drawings.”

“who send what what now?” Junhyeon quickly plops a seat next to ricky.

“y/n just sent taerae a drawing of him and he..thought it was….a threat..” ricky tries to hold his laugh in between his words.

“makes sense your skills are the worse of the worse i feel like i lose ten years of my life when I see you do any sort of artwork.”

“Oh shut up! Why are you all just constantly after my ass.”

“Anyways did you actually try to confess to him by using a drawing? “ junhyeon asked, visibly confused.

“No no no! I was supposed to leave him a letter. The thing is in the morning, I went to the cafe in the morning with hao to hand hanbin the letter so he could sneak it in his bag. I think i handed him the wrong one..because I was holding on to both of the folded papers and I forgot which was which..”

“Typical y/n moment..” ricky says and you raise your fork at him.

“Yeah okay okay.” ricky raises his hands in the air to defend himself from you potentially striking at him with your fork.

“Guys what do I do..”

“Why don’t you just tell him directly?” Junhyeon asks..

“Last time, I slipped up and lied that I wanted to mee his roommate, knowing damn well I don’t care about his roommate at all.””

“So what were you actually trying to send?“

“Okay I got another idea this time!” Ricky raises his hand you furrow one of your eyebrows at him.

_________________________________

ATTEMPT 2 : LEAVING THE LETTER AT THE LECTURE ROOM

“What time did hanbin say he was gonna come?”

“Hmm in like 30 minutes. He ends his shift at around 4.” Hao tells you. This time you were meant to leave the letter on his desk. Hanbin said he left his things in the lecture room and was going back after his shift to retrieve them.

you of course also made sure to double check to prevent the same mistake from happening again, it would be too much. You were positive that this time, nothing would go wrong and taerae would finally be able to read the words you’ve been meaning to relay.

“Shit shit shit! Guys I hear footsteps, I think it’s him!” Junhyeon yelled and panic immediately seeps into you.

“What? I thought his shift ends at 4, uh whatever guys hide!”

You and hao sneak under one of the tables at the back while junhyeon stood for awhile looking left and right, trying to figure out where to hide while he hears the footsteps getting louder and louder so he just hides behind the door, facing the corner, putting his black hoodie on.

Taerae walks into the room and hums a soft tune as he casually walks on his way onto his designated seat. He finds the paper on top and tilts his head to the side, surprised upon seeing a folded paper again. He scans the whole room with his sight before proceeding to slowly flip the fold.

The door abruptly closes as it emits an eerily creaking sound that echoed across the room. Taerae looks at its direction and notices a tall figure in a black hoodie at the corner of the room. His heart began to beat at an alarmingly fast rate.

“W-who are you?” He stutters out of fear as he slowly approaches the figure. The figure freezes into place, not moving an inch from its position.

“Were you here for me?” He slowly walks over and tries to gently approach the figure, he reaches out and tugs on the person’s arm and they suddenly turn around, instantly head butting taerae before he could take a look into their face, sending taerae into a fainting spell as he collapses onto the floor.

“Junhyeon what the fuck!” You and hao quickly rush over to the now, passed out, taerae laying on the floor.

“You shithead why did you headbutt him!”

“I didn’t want him to know it was me, okay! It was also a reflex i don’t know!”

“Yeah? Are you crazy!? He’s literally unconscious right now!!”

“But he’s not dead right?” Junhyeon slowly approaches his figure placing two fingers over his neck to check if he still had his pulse, he jumps but soon breathes a sigh of relief as he feels his pulse.

“Ah! Oh thank God.”

“Ugh whatever just bring to him the clinic.” Hao quickly goes to carry his left arm and you do the same on his other one.

_________________________________

You sit beside taerae’s peaceful sleeping state, patiently waiting for him to wake up, around 30 minutes has passed and he has yet to wake up.

Hao left early since he still had other senior duties to attend to while junhyeon left out of guilt, refusing to face taerae after giving him a concussion from a headbutt he didn’t mean to cause. He loved taerae too much to face him after what happened today.

You waited by taerae’s side even taking a nap as you waited for him to wake up.

You sat by the bed, with the letter in your hand. You opened it and reread each and every word once again as you look at taerae at the same time. You let out a huge sigh. You felt hesitant once again in confessing to taerae. Perhaps being by his side was enough, right?

But the feelings would always be there and you wouldn’t want to fight it. You sit and stare at his features for awhile, finding yourself enamored by his looks.

“I don’t think you’ll ever forgive me taerae..”

“for what?” you jolted from your seat the moment you hear that deep voice. taerae slowly tries to sit himself up and he squints at you as he rubs his eyes.

“oh my god you’re finally awake.”

“What happened I was at the classroom and I just blacked out, how did you find me..” You panic a little, trying to scramble through your brain to think of a random excuse, surely you weren’t going to tell him you were there to drop a letter where you basically profess your feelings.

“Uh i just stopped by the classroom, I thought I left something in the room.”

“oh okay..did you see anyone else there? like a person with a black hoodie? I think someone hit me in the head.”

Taerae tries to recall the situation, his memory still a little foggy over what happened. He couldn’t quite remember how the person looked as everything just happened so quickly.

“Wait..what if it was the same person who sent me that drawing from before? How would they even know that I was coming back? Because the moment I entered the room, I felt this eerie atmosphere, like someone was waiting for me?” You mentally curse at yourself for pushing through this plan, how the hell were you going to tell him the truth?

“I feel like I have this sort of secret anti? I don’t know I’m kinda scared to be alone now.”

“If you don’t mind, can you walk with me home today? It’s embarrassing but i feel kinda scared to walk hom alone.” You eyes widened in shock but you quickly agree anyways. You just got an offer to spend some extra time with your crush. However a huge part of you felt guilty about what happened.

“I’m sorry I can’t I have to go somewhere. Uh I think i actually need to go right now.” You stood up and taerae looks at you softly, almost like his eyes were pleading for you to not go away.

“Okay I’ll just call your roommate to get you since I really can’t, it’s park hanbin right?”

“yeah, do you have his number? I think I left my belongings at the room I don’t have my phone right now.”

“Ah yes i do! Let me dial him.” You scroll through your contacts searching for his name, quickly dialing him.

“Hey y/n, what’s up!” Hanbin responds almost immediately, greeting you in a cheery tone.

“Hey, so taerae’s at the clinic right now, he got a concussion and sprained his ankle and he kinda can’t get to his dorm alone right now so can you come pick him up right now?”

“Alright I see..”

“Sorry it’s kinda hard to explain right now but taerae’s gonna fill you in on the details later.”

“It’s okay i know what happened, junhyeon told me..”

“Ah r-really, okay anyways just come and get him right now.” You quickly end the call hoping he doesn’t go on and run his mouth on what happened.

“just stay here and wait for hanbin I think I’ll have to go now.”

“Take care! see you in the cafe and next week!” Taerae flashes you his warm smile as he waves at you.

“You too taerae.” You smile back and take your leave..

_________________________________

ATTEMPT HONESTLY CAN’T EVEN KEEP UP ANYMORE : FIGURING IT OUT AGAIN PART SOMETHING OR MAYBE NOT

You and your friends, ricky, junhyeon, zhanghao and sung hanbin and gunwook gathered in the same cafe once again.

_________________________________

“So what’s your new plan?”

“Guys I really don’t know anymore.” You let your head hit the table, feeling so defeated at the moment after thinking about your two failed confession attempts.

“Guys what’s a foolproof way of me confessing where I don’t need to do it on the spot, or one that doesn’t have a chance of leaving him terrified him in any way.”

“Yeah he’s been taerae-fied too many times.” Junhyeon jokes. You roll your eyes at his poor attempt of making a taerae pun.

“The plans have been so terrible.” You sigh.

“Taeraeble you could say..” Ricky softly says while looking down as junhyeon giggled, trying to surpress his laugh.

“Ok I swear if you guys say another one.” You glare at the two.

“Hmm perhaps maybe.” Gunwook leads. After junhyeon blabbered to him about what happened he was also then informed of the fact that you had feelings for taerae too.

“actually never mind I don’t know I thought i was thinking for a moment but it blew away sorry.”

“Junhyeon why did you invite gunwook over too, he’s no help either.” Gunwook turns to you and fakes a loud gasp and you roll your eyes over his dramatic act.

“By the way um sorry to say this late but, taerae just quit his job here yesterday. He also said he’s transferring outside of the school.” Sung hanbin mentions.

“Yeah and he also said he’s transferring next semester, he’s actually moving out next friday.” Sung hanbin adds. Everyone else is shocked over the sudden news. Taerae leaving so suddenly was never in anyone’s bingo cards.

“No! I love taerae too much! Why am I only knowing now that my man is leaving.” Junhyeon dramatically fake cries.

“Oh shit. i just realized.”

“What?”Hao turns to you.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to see taerae much anymore, it’s our last class next week and we don’t talk much outside.”You recalled that the last day of your class with taerae was already next week because after that it would be finals then everything’s done. You weren’t sure if you were going to still be able to talk to taerae knowing how you usually only talked during class.

Maybe a part of you wished for those accidents to happen because deep inside, you were afraid about letting taerae find out about your feelings, afraid that he wouldn’t like you back and you’d lose the friendship you’ve built for a year.

_________________________________

The last monday. the last class you were going to share with taerae ever.

“Hey y/n i want to tell you something.” You look in his direction. You were already had an idea on what he was going to say.

“I’m moving out next week and I quit my part time job at hanbin's cafe. Though maybe you’ve noticed and Hanbin might’ve already told you but yeah I just wanted to tell you.”

“Oh I guess we won’t be seeing each other much anymore..” You say and his eyes widened. He waves his hands and sends you a reassuring look.

“oh we won’t be seeing each other much anymore but I promise I’ll try to keep up with you! um my roommates wanted to throw a farewell party, honestly a little dramatic haha but I wanted to invite you and you friends over. It’s going to be a small one don’t worry.”

“Sure! I’d love to come, I’ll tell my friends too.”

“The last hurrah, you know. Also just so you know,, I genuinely enjoyed getting to know you this year, you were the best person I’ve met this year. I was so happy to have known you this year and I would have totally flunked this class because I might’ve have just ended up sleeping through every lecture haha.”

“Anyways I’ll see you at the party, yeah?” He points at you with that signature smile plastered on his face once again.

“Absolutely.” You smile back.

_________________________________

“I can’t do this anymore! I’ve tried everything like EVERYTHING yet somehow everytime I can’t seem to tell him how I feel.” You cried as you took another shot of soju. Initially, you were alone at the convenience store wanting to buy alone a beer or two to let loose but here you were with almost two empty soju bottles.

“why didn’t a single thing go right..” you bury your face in your hands.

a thought pops into your head and liquid courage pushed you to now film a voicemail on your phone to taerae. now, you were quite wasted and couldn’t see shit but you still pushed yourself.

you drunkenly record yourself professing your love to him, addressing him as you. you laugh to yourself as you finished recording and finally hit the send button.

“maybe this can work ahehe.”

“Y/n?” You hear a young man call out your name. You look up and your vision was too blurry to make out the owner of the voice. it was very familiar and clear to you but you just couldn’t seem to lay a finger on who it could be.

“You!” You stood up from your seat, pointing at the unknown man with your eyes closed. He takes a step back at your sudden move, confused on what to do.

You try to open you eyes, trying to take a look but soon your vision darkens and you pass out. the night going on as a blur.

_________________________________

your eyes flitter open and you feel your head ringing, a painful reminder of what happened last night. you wake up, confused as you look around, the surroundings being all too new.

since when did i have white sheets and a clean ass bedroom?

you slap yourself, trying to figure if it was a dream or not. but it wasn’t.

soon you hear a knock on the door on the far left and taerae enters, carrying a glass of tea and painkillers on a tray.

“oh you’re awake, anyways here take these for your hangover. finish the cup of tea and if your headache feels really unbearable, take a tylenol. anyways how are you feeling?” he hands the tray to you and he sits down by you.

“Honestly woke up with a terrible headache. Is this your place?I’m so sorry..” You ask.

“Yes but don’t worry about it, I saw you pass out last night and I didn’t want to leave you there.” he says and sends a reassuring smile your way. you felt your heart skip a beat for a second.

“anyways stay as long as you need! take care of yourself and rest. if you need water or anything, just call me! okay?” he says as he proceeds to leave the room.

you feel your phone vibrate next to you and you are shocked upon what you see when you receive a notification from park hanbin.

phanbin: let’s talk about this at the dorm party ;)

well, shit.

. Taerae invited the whole friend group (since he was friends with all of you too anyways) and the other dorm mates to come over. He requested it to not be so grand since he wanted it to be a simple farewell.

It was probably the last day you were ever going to see him and it kinda killed you inside knowing not a single attempt of your confessions worked and the words you’ve been trying to relay are going to be left unspoken. Other than that, you had also discovered that you had sent a voicemail to park hanbin, perhaps leading him on. You also couldn’t bear to see taerae after your past encounter. This day, you were definitely more than nervous to come.

You, ricky, sung hanbin and zhanghao decided to go the dorm together. When you arrive, you finally meet the other dormmates taerae had always talked about in his stories.

“Hi! I’m woongki, Nice to meet you. Come in.” The brown haired boy cheerfully greeted the four of you as soon as you guys came in as he lead you guys to sit on the couch. Another taller, black-haired boy goes next to him and introduces himself.

“Hey I’m seowon! Another roommate and woongki’s roommate.”

“I see, it makes so much sense that you’re roommates, you both are very smiley haha.” you say, seeing how cheery and friendly the two are in welcoming the both of you.

In the mean time, you got to chat with woongki and seowon. Park hanbin and taerae were still getting food and drinks.

From talking to them, you were also able to catch some stories and new facts about taerae. To your surprise, they reveal how he actually goes around the dorm wearing horrendous clothing pieces, wearing the same pair of red pants almost every day like it was the only pair of pants he owned. You also then learn about how taerae used to sing a lot in church growing up. His guitar was his pride and often, he would play and sing for them if ever anyone wanted him to. He could just sing on the spot if you asked him to.

The more you heard about him, the more endearing he was to you. It certainly didn’t help with making your feelings go away or having to deal with not seeing him anymore.

“Sorry we took long but we’re here!” Park hanbin and taerae finally arrived, with all their hands full with bags filled with snacks, chicken and beer.

For the night, you guys plan to play a few games then wrap up the night with a movie marathon afterwards.

The first game you guys decided to play was uno. It was fun, a lot of oohs and a lot of cheating with some players hiding specific cards. (yeah it was on junhyeon and ricky). Taerae on the other hand, often when he lost he’d go look over your cards and coach you, and despite taerae being the first one to lose almost all the time, he managed to make you win every time.

It was followed by a game of charades. It was even more chaotic than playing uno.

Then lastly, truth or dare.

The dares were pretty mild like for example, taking their shirt off for the whole game, having to eating a tablespoon of sugar or just doing a specific dance.

And for some reason, nobody chose truth because they were just pretty lame questions like did you ever fail a test? Or did you ever have your first kiss blablabla. the dares were more entertaining.

“Oooh y/n’s the chosen one!” Everyone cheered.

“So, what’s your choice, is it a truth or a dare?”

“I’ll choose truth.”

“Alright, let me think do you like anyone in the room?” Hanbin smirks, he was definitely planning on something.

“Of course I like everyone in the room, what are you implying.” You laugh with a hint of nervousness, trying to play off the question.

“No I mean, do you like like anyone, romantically?” He states, now you were sure park hanbin might have caught on and he defended knows.

“Be honest..”

You stop and take a small gulp as everyone’s eyes were all glued onto you in anticipation.

“Yeah..” you softly say and oohs were throwed. Your friends laugh and try to act all shocked as if they didn’t know you did and who it was.

“Woah really.” Park hanbin brings one of his hands to a mouth as he nods his head, seemingly not so shocked either.

“Who?”

“Come on it’s over it’s supposed to be one question.”

“We need to know!”

“Hanbin stop..they’re obviously not comfortable sharing especially in this setting so just stop.” Taerae sternly says making the whole room go silent.

“Well moving on then! Why don’t we start the movie marathon, yeah?” Everyone stands up from the ground and proceeds to lay on the couch. And chairs laying around.

You look in taerae’s direction and he gives you a small smile.

Buzz. Your phone rang.

You look over and recieve a text from park hanbin, asking you to meet up at his bedroom to discuss something. He looks at you and directs to go up with his eyes.

You roll your eyes but you get up anyways as you go upstairs, hanbin following along.

Taerae notices the two of you sneaking upstairs. He was curious about what you two were up to.

“Aw man there’s no more popcorn.” Junhyeon complains, his voice snapping taerae from his thoughts.

“Okay what now?”

“i know about it.”

“About how you feel.”

“About what?” You furrow one of your eyebrows as hanbin takes a pause, his lips pursed as he looks at the ground.

“I know you like me.” You pause there for a moment, your brain trying to function as for this time you had misled the wrong boy into thinking that you like him.

“Oh uh about it..”

“It’s fine you don’t have to deny it but y/n I’m sorry I don’t like you in that way though but you know maybe I could give you a chance and get to know you more first?” He shyly takes a step closer to you, moving his face closer to yours.

“Uh Hanbin.” You freeze on the spot, not knowing what to do or what to say.

“It’s not- like I don-“

“It’s okay you don’t have to deny it, look I acknowledge your feelin-“ He moves his face closer to yours to look into your eyes.

All of a sudden the door next to the two of you creaks open, revealing taerae standing there with his mouth wide open.

“Sorry to interrupt you guys but uh I just wanted to say I’m going to sleep now since I’m leaving early tomorrow.” Taerae awkwardly smiles and takes his leaves. You panic, assuming he probably overheard most of the conversation which might have misled him to thinking you actually had a crush on park hanbin.

You mentally curse at yourself as you watch taerae turn his back and turn away.

“Now going back..”

You quickly shut the door, take a deep breath and take a hold of hanbin’s shoulders. Well you hd to clear it up, it’s now or never.

“I don’t like you. I don’t have any feelings for you. I am not interested at you.” You look up at him and gave him a straight face. He tilts his head, knitting his eyebrows in confusion.

“Huh?Then why did you send me that voicemail?”

“Man this is so embarrassing.”You look at the ground in shame, not wanting to open the conversation over the embarrassing voicemail.

“I accidentally sent it to you..it was meant for someone else.” You facepalm.

“I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking clearly! It was really stupid of me. I just sent it to you thinking it was..someone else plus I was drunk! I my vision was all blurry too i’m sorry.” You continued, Hanbin lets out an oh as he scratches his head, embarrassed and confused.

“Wait then who was it for?”

“About that..”

“Tell me who? Who is it?” He whines as he playfully pokes your arm, curious as to who the lucky boy may be. You certainly didn’t want to tell the boy knowing he was taerae’s best friend and he might blabber about it to him.

“Secret.”

“Awwww come on….wait..Ha! Nevermind don’t tell me I know.” Hanbin lets out a light laugh, taking a step closer to you.

“Your crush on taerae is so painfully obvious.”he whispered. You freeze on the spot. He takes a step back and continues giggling to himself.

“I mean I could feel it before but I pushed it off because I thought you liked me..but it all makes more sense now. you, see taerae at the cafe everyday, you light up when he talks to you, you always stare at him, can you also not make that obvious? And lastly I can easily sense that the way you act around him is very different from everyone else.”

“Like you are in love with him.” He crosses his arms and he knew he was right.

“Pfft no.”

“Oh yeah you are.”

“But he’s moving away anyways so it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Aw sorry about that..”

“And from what happened earlier..he probably thinks I like you.”

“I’m so sorry about that, you know what, I’ll clear it up to him-“

“No you don’t have to, he’s leaving and I don’t want to cause anything. and it’s my fault really! I was the one who carelessly sent that voicemail, I’m sorry for leading you on too. So anyways, I think I might just go leave now.” You flash hanbin a smile to reassure him before leaving. Hanbin grabs your wrist, stopping you in your tracks.

“I’m also sorry about earlier too by the way, y/n. Honestly-“

“Hanbin I’m sorry for cutting you off again but honestly I think I need to go now. I just don’t want taerae to know, and I’m not sure if we’ll keep up when he leaves so I iust hope we stay as friends, so we don’t leave at an awkward note. Anyways thank you and sorry hanbin but I gotta go now.” He loosens his grip on your wrist and pats your shoulder.

“Take care.”

Here you are, in the comfort of hanbin’s care sipping on a glass of iced coffee, staring out the window. Last night, you left the party early and you weren’t able to bid taerae a proper goodbye in person.

you open your phone, and stare at you text messages with taerae, contemplating on whether you wanted to write him a long goodbye message or to simply tell him good luck and take care.

“for how long are you going to stare at your phone.” hanbin gets you from your out-of-zone state.

“hanbin, I don’t know how to say goodbye. honestly I feel miserable. I hate that he’s leaving and I wasn’t even able to tell him how I feel.” you bury your face into yoir hands. hanbin takes the seat next to you and rubs your back. the boy you loved was leaving and he never even got the chance to know how you truly felt.

as if the heavens heard your cries, you felt your phone vibrate and you received a notification of a text message from park hanbin.

phanbin: y/n go run to taerae right now. he’s leaving soon but hey, you deserve to be able to tell him how you feel properly and now may be the perfect time. I also cleared up everything that happened last night lol so dw. anyways do this text me back and go run to him NOWWW!!!!!! he’s still in front of our dorm <3

You look at hanbun and he gives you a reassuring nod as an approval.

“Go now!!!” he yells good luck to you as you proceed to rush out of the cafe, running towards the direction of his dorm. You ran and ran, your feet moving at a full speed like you were at a marathon. a rush of adrenaline filled you and this time, you were motivated than ever to tell him how you truly feel.

you were just one block away from the dorm and soon, you spot a car parked in front of the dorm with a handful of boxes outside. you proceed to go there but you couldn’t see taerae around. you’re not too late, his boxes are here so he’s somewhere.

you take a deep breath first, resting your hands on your knees first from all the running. you forgot that you weren’t an athlete and your lack of exercise was getting right back at you.

you receive another text mess from park hanbin.

park hanbin:I I’m sorry i know you’re probably sprinting right now but he’s at the convenience store so you might have to do a little more running. his dumbass forgot to buy a few things. anyways good luck y/n! you got this.” he sends you a thumbs up emoji.

you run and run again and you curse under your breath, realizing how far the convenience store is. your legs were slowly getting wobbly and you onew your lack of physical activity was bound to get you someday but you hoped it wouldn’t be right now.

you just stop running and start walking instead. as you near the store, you spot the brown-haired young man outside, sitting on a table outside with his back facing you.

you take a deep breath before tapping his shoulder. he turns around and you thank the heavens that there was no plot twist of this being a non-taerae or else you were going to absolutely throw a fit.

“hey taerae! I needed to tell you something before you go and I wanted to give you a proper goodbye in person since I wasn’t able to last night.” you say and the boy stands up, flashing you a grin as he had gimbap in his mouth. he raises his hand and you were a little confused as to what he meant by that.

“should I say what I need to say or wait for you to finish?” he swallows his food down before speaking up.

“ok sorry you can go on now.” he lightly chuckles and you laugh a little.

you take a huge gulp, taking a look at the ground before looking straight at him right in the eye. he eagerly listens, giving you a reassuring look. it’s finally happening.

“taerae I have been dying to tell you this for a long time now honestly and although I don’t think now is the perfect time, I just wanted to get this off my chest before you go cause I know I would regret it if I didn’t tell you sooner.” you take a pause and he gives you another nod, a way of telling you he was still listening.

so here it goes.

“I li-“

you were soon cut off by the sound of the door opening as a man calls out to taerae“taerae hyung! Did you kn- y/n?” you look behind you and you spot junhyeon, holding a full meal of burgers and fries and a cup of come on a tray in his hands.

“junhyeon what the hell are you doing here?”

“I was helping taerae moving out then he went here to buy things then we just decided to eat here.” he says, standing there, a little confused. he quickly scans the situation between you and then it finally hit him.

“ah I believe I interrupted something here, sorry I will just eat inside.”

the boy quickly rushes back inside.

you turn to taerae again. “anyways, sorry for the little commotion there. anyways as I was saying, taerae-junhyeon what the actual fuck sit somewhere else.” junhyeon sat in front of the window directly facing the both of you. you motion to the boy to move the other way and he rolls his eyes before taking a seat somewhere else.

“oh god I hope it’s the last of him. I swear if anything goes wrong again-“

all of the sudden, the rain decides to twist the odds and rain on your parade. you grab taerae’s hand, about to take him inside but he firmly holds onto your hand, telling you to stay.

“taerae it’s raining, you’ll get sick, we have to get in i’ll just tell you inside.”

“no tell me right here, right now. you have been wanting to tell me for a long time and I know you want to say it already.” you felt a hint of seriousness in his tone.

“are you serious?well fine It’s so weird to say it right now but okay..taerae, i..” He nods, the words starting to get hesitant to leave your mouth. you take a deep breath and you finally mustered up the courage.

“taerae I like you. no, actually I’m in love with you. It’s embarrassing but It’s true and I can’t fight it anymore. I loved getting to know you and from the moment i first laid my eyes on you and heard your sweet voice back in that open mic, I fell in love. I was so lucky to be able to get to know you more too. you are the sweetest, kindest and most wonderful person I’ve ever met. It’s okay if you don’t like me back. I just want to say that I love and appreciate every moment I got to spend with you in the past year..it was so lovely to have known you taerae.” unexpectedly he lets out a light laugh, his big signature smile painted on his face. he gently takes both of your hands in his.

“I love you too, y/n. in fact, I’ve always known.” you felt like your ears betrayed you at the last part. what does he mean he always knew?

“back at the clinic, I saw the letter next to you while you slept. it had the words ‘to taerae’ written on it so I just opened it. I read each and every word you wrote and took it to heart. I was so happy to know you felt the same..but when you woke up, you hid the letter and I iust felt that you were still not ready to tell me so I didn’t open a convo about it. hanbin told me about everything and cleared everything up, actually both hanbins did, sung and park haha.” you both laugh.

“well..what now? you’re leaving now so what will be then? we’ll barely see each other now that we’re not in the same uni.”

“actually about that, I’m still in the same uni, I’m only moving dorms..”

“what?” the whole dramatic mood you had turned upside down. you playfully smack taerae’s arm, bursting into tears. he didn’t expect to see you cry but he just laughs and brings you into a hug.

“I forgot to specify to you guys that I was not transferring schools and only dorms and that just made me realize why everyone was dramatic with everything. please don’t cry..”

“that’s really mean taerae, I was actually so upset that you were leaving so I was miserable for nothing.” your bury your face into his chest, pulling him tighter and taerae began to laugh.

he slowly lets go and cups your face, breaking into a smile and you feel the whole world brighten as you look into his eyes again. he stares at your lips and your faces inch closer together.

“may I?” he asks and you nod your head before he gently brings your face closer to his with his finger and his arms snake around your waist. you felt the whole world stop as you melt into his touch. your lips seemingly shaped for one another.

slowly, he pulls away and breaks into a huge smile.

“finally! I’ve been waiting for this one.” you hear junhyeon’s screams from inside the store and you simply roll your eyes back at him, you and taerae laughing over his reaction.

you turn to look back at taerae.

“I really love you and I’m glad you’re finally mine.” you giggle as you wrap your arms around his neck, bringing his face close enough for you noses to touch.

and finally, the odds were in your favor.

a/n and you reached the end! hope you enjoyed reading it. this has been sitting in my drafts for a month, but missing taerae and the new kcon behind drove me to finish this story! I also have a love-hate relationship with this which is why it took pretty long to write HAIAHSHSB sorry for some mistakes in the capatalization of names and grammar that I may have overlooked. But anyways feel free to leave feedback! I would love to hear your honest thoughts on this :>>>

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Dear ....

hi

The title of the playlist I sent you to catch your attention

Funny enough it did

You were nice... I guess, but made me fall for you twice as much nevertheless.

You didn't even wonder why I randomly sent it to you, only said it was cute and you'll listen to it too.

Damn, the effect you had on me was so huge. The mere fact you accepted my friend request sent butterflies bursting.

I was sick after exam week, Intramurals, PE day and some personal shit, but one interaction from you sent me smiling all week. 

Talking with you was a roller coaster ride of emotions. One time I smiled too much it’d hurt my face, one time, my frown was so visible, my face looked like it was drooping.

Sending you songs I want to recommend for the sake to keep talking to you. You recommend songs back i'd listen to it until tomorrow.

My heart raced like it was in a marathon, other times it broke like bits and pieces like scattered stars on the cosmos.

My heart swooned whenever you talk about your favorites. How you gush over things you were passionate about.

How I really wanted to escape my house at dead midnight just to come to you and comfort you in your problems you cryptically relay.

Jokes, that I sometimes took seriously, haha sorry about that.

Words you wrote and symbols you accompany drove me in a whirlwind of thoughts

Candies, laughs, and you called me "sweet soul"

You had me wrapped…

But one faithful night I accidentally confessed

I feared I might've scared you off

It wasn't what I planned, being friends with you was already fine

You said we were totally alright, that we're better off friends, I accepted that

But...

That was the end

Or

Was that the beginning I started to open my eyes...

Tiny little red flags I deliberately ignored. 

It was always me who initiated the talk. You only reply fast if the topic only interested you

You barely even recommended songs to me?

It was always me...

Did you really even listened to the songs I sent?

A tornado of anxiety came rushing in

What if you mocked how stupid I was. Sent it to friends to have them mock me with you. Laugh at how stupid and desperate I was. How pathetically bullshit I was…

But hey, maybe I'm just overthinking? You're not like that right?

Maybe you were busy. I'm sure there are times you can't reply to your friends quickly

Haha…

Here I am gaslighting myself again

Convincing myself I've never made you feel uncomfortable 

Or that you didn't long pressed my messages just because I'm a person in your life as irrelevant as the stranger you meet everyday

That you just had so much to think about 

I guess?

Well…

That was until one night, something cleared out my suspicion

It was another Intramurals at school. I wasn't a student anymore because I stopped to focus on work.

I attended because I really wanna see my friends

To see you…

It was awarding night, I saw you with your team waiting for your time to get on the stage. You were on your phone. So I decided to chat you…

"Hey **** you at school?"

Was I too desperate? I don't know…

But you never replied, even viewed my message, nothing…

I wondered if you didn't receive it, but how? You were on your phone the whole time

You only replied hours later

Haha fck that kinda hurt

Was I not even your friend?

But hey... Who am I even...

So no biggie

I only got to see you when we finally approached you... You were so nice, made me forget you ignored my message haha

But, I was constantly reminded of that, everytime

Like a a ghost

That kept on haunting me

I'm no one

Just another one of your admirers

It's funny because, you were one of the reason why Intramurals was memorable

It started with Intramurals, and I think it ended with Intramurals

So I wrote this letter to pour out my emotions. Instead, it made me realize many things

I’m merely but an annoyance for you. And I apologize for that

I know you have someone you call your “mine”

I'll stop now before I fall even deeper into the rabbit hole I dug

This is fine

Maybe it's for the best

It is for the best

So 

Consider this letter the last

Dear ....

[vantekay]

thankful for you

its (almost) officially the new year! although I am writing this post in advance, its a new year and its time for some fresh starts.

I wanted to start this new year off by making a thank you post to my mutuals, anons, and followers; starting out with my mutuals. Also this will probably be pretty long and sappy so just a warning haha.

@peachyuns was the first mutual I made on this site, we met over the dora au that plagued Twitter and freaked out over it together, although we don't talk as much anymore she still helped me kick start this blog! she sent me some tumblrs who did the hex code layouts I told her I wanted to start and I will forever be grateful for that, never forget how talented and sweet you are, I love you tam 💕.

@couture-kookie was the second mutual I made on this site and helped me a lot when it came to understanding how to make a masterlist 😂 we would send each other memes and talk about how ugly twitter is and I always laughed when we would message. You are such an amazing writer and an amazing person! I love you court 💕.

@melonkooky was the next mutual I made and I am so grateful for her as well. She helped me with this blog a lot too, mostly just me spouting ideas out and her telling me I should go for it 😂 but it was the motivation I needed to get this blog to where it is now even if it isn't too big right now. You are so sweet and funny and just an amazing person, not to mention talented at writing. I love you mina 💕.

@bangtanmssg thank god I got the balls to message you about making your masterlist for you. I'm so glad we met, and I'm so excited to be an admin for you new blog! It makes me so happy to know that you have enlisted so much trust in me and I hope you know I trust you a lot too. you're such a sweet and caring person and I hope we can grow as friends. never ever lose the light that you possess, because believe me when I say you can make anybody's day better just by being you. I love you sol 💕.

@vantaeta we met through the new blog! I was very nervous when I first messaged you about the theme of the blog but you were so nice it melted all my worries away. We clicked pretty much instantly and I'm so grateful to be working with such a funny and kind person. You are super talented and I hope you have happy days forever. I love you rae 💕.

@triviamang , you are so so so sweet and caring its so endearing and makes me happy if that makes sense haha. you have such a pure soul and I'm so glad we became mutuals. You're so talented at writing and I'm so excited to see how your account continues to grow, hopefully our friendship can grow along with it :) I love you ness 💕.

@ethertae you are absolutely lovely and I love you. we don't talk much but thats okay! seeing your posts on my dash makes me so happy. You are an absolute sweetheart and I love being mutuals with you. You are incredibly talented and such an interesting person, I hope we can grow closer this year :) I love you kina 💕 .

@namiiy I am so glad we met, you are the brightest and most positive person I have ever met. You've made my bad days just those little bit brighter and made me hopeful for the next days to come. Thank you for always being so kinda and having such a beautiful soul. I love you nam (sorry idk what to call you ah) 💕.

@taes-strawberry we only just met but! you are so amazing and incredible and just all of it. I thought our first convo would be awkward but it was so easy to talk to you and that is so amazing to me. I love how alike we are and I really hope we continue to be crackheads together. I love you rahmah 💕

to all of you I just made little messages for, please never forget that you are loved and valued. and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here :)

to my handful of anon friends:

I really do love you guys a lot, your asks never fail to make my day even if it’s something as simple as a hello. I always thought it was kind of silly when I saw other and bigger blogs posting simple asks and saying that it made their day until I actually started receiving them myself. even if you think whatever you have to say isn’t important believe me when I say it is. please never hesitate to send me an ask- anon or not- and tell me about your day, tell me something good that happened to you recently or even tell me something you just need to get off of your chest. I’m the kind of person who loves to help others, I always give advice and I always try to help to the best of my ability and knowledge so please always know that I am here for you, and if you don’t want everyone on the blog to know about what you’re going through you can always just message me privately! I promise it will always stay between us. my messages are always open for anybody and any situation :)

to my followers:

thank you guys for being here for me and enjoying the content I put out on this blog. I’ve always somewhat felt bad about myself as a content creator (though I feel like I shouldn’t even call myself that cause I do the bare minimum compared to other really good art or writing blogs but thats just me) because I don’t put out things like fics or reactions but that’s simply because I don’t feel confident in my writing abilities and I would be afraid to make assumptions about the boys personalities and just all that stupid stuff but even still, I hope you guys can always find something you like on this blog. I’m a very indecisive person who changes their mind a lot and is always wanting to learn and explore new things so this blog will probably have a wide array of things on it within the next year or so, and I hope you guys will stick with me through all and any content changes I may decide on. I have never been confident in myself as a creator but through this blog I am starting to find worth in the things I put my time and energy into, and I will always be eternally grateful for that and the only way I can think of expressing my gratitude for this is by saying thank you.

I haven’t been on tumblr long- if I remember correctly I made a blog in june maybe but didn’t start posting my own content until around august but I can’t remember- but in the short amount of time I have been, I have made incredible friends and laughed so so so much. I haven’t really talked about it openly on this site, but this year was probably one of the hardest, longest and most mentally draining I have ever had. Life was rough, I went through a lot of hardships and found out more about my mental health issues and how to start coping with them, I moved from my childhood neighborhood and started a whole new life at the peak of my highschool career and faced (and still facing) a lot of anxiety issues because of it but thanks to this blog and the amazing people I have met through it and the people I follow I have been able to end this year with a smile on my face, high hopes for the future, and dreams I feel I can actually accomplish. I said it before and I’ll say it again although I feel as if it doesn’t really express how thankful I am, thank you all for everything. My experience on this site has been nothing short of joyful and I hope it stays that way for a long time. I hope you guys, no matter if 2018 was a good or bad year for you, can also go into this new year with a little bit of hope and happiness for yourself and whatever you wish to achieve in the future. thank you for an amazing end to this year :)

[teletraan-meets-jarvis]

Hang on to Yourself

AO3 Link

Pairing: Commander Fox/f!Reader

Summary: You'd had your first date since the start of the war and it went terribly. You wanted to forget all about it, and who was better to drown sorrows with than the stressed Commander of the Coruscant Guard?

Warnings: 16+ - Drinking, making out, implied sexual content.

Word Count: 2.3k

Author's Note: You lot have got me addicted to Fox and the Coruscant Guard so really it's tumblr's fault I wrote this. Fic is below the break. Any feedback/comments/improvements are massively appreciated. As are reblogs! Cheers and hope you enjoy!

You were stomping through the republic base, a large bottle of drink in hand and a whole brain full of self-loathing.

You’d had your first date tonight since this bloody war started and, well, it had been a complete shit show. You took another swig of the liquor in your hand, savouring the burn.

You’d reached your chosen destination and gave a couple knocks on the door. You heard a bit of shuffling before an exhausted looking Fox opened up, scrubbing a hand down his tired face. “Hey, you’re back sooner than we thought” he started, but then he took in the scene in front of him. Your hurt eyes, the large bottle of booze, and he suddenly woke up a bit more. “Aw kriff, did it not go well?” You just huffed and pushed past him into his quarters.

You worked as a comms specialist for the GAR on Coruscant and somehow you ended up forming a very quick bond with the Elite Guard Commanders and each one of your friends had a very special place in your heart. Stone was there when you needed a soft, kind presence. Thorn was always able to make you laugh and forget about your worries and Fox, well if you needed someone to drown your sorrows with, he was your man.

Without any more words he went to his top desk drawer and pulled out his own bottle of liquor and a glass. Working as one of the highest-ranking clones in the GAR was a lot and he needed his coping mechanisms. Healthy or not. So alcohol was always on hand for situations like these.

“Want me to comm the others? They’re probably still up”

“Nope, I don’t need to hear Stone tell me it’s all going to be okay, there’s someone out there for me” you scoffed “I would just like to get black out drunk, and you’re welcome to join me”

He looked at the remaining data pads, he shouldn’t have really been staying up so late to finish them anyway. He could finish forging Palpatine’s signature for the billionth time, tomorrow. So he shoved them aside and poured his first drink.

After enjoying his first sip, he looked over to where you were making yourself comfortable on his bunk. “So, what happened?”

You relayed the story of how your date seemed nice at first, but his naive view on the war seemed to become his favourite talking point which pushed a few of your buttons. Who even brings up politics on a first date? Anyway, you continue on, explaining how he got more and more drunk as the night went on and then when asking about your job, he gave you a pity look and explained how sad it was that you were a subordinate to a bunch of made to order soldiers. He then said a few choice words about clones which left you calling him a few choice words and swiftly leaving the entire car-crash of an evening.

Fox ran a hand through his tight curls, grey strands mixing with dark brown, and exhaled “well, I wasn’t expecting that”.

You chuckled humourlessly and raised your bottle at him “That makes two of us”.

“Was he at least nice at the beginning”.

“Ha, not a chance. I rocked up and said how handsome he looked, and he barely took in my existence. Instead he just let my compliment totally fuel his ego” Fox was visibly annoyed with this pathetic man.

Especially because they all had seen how much it’d taken for you to put yourself out there again. The trio had been working in one of the communal offices on some paperwork when you had come in and asked for outfit advice. They’d agreed on a form fitting black dress which reached your knees, you picked it out the pile and went to try it on. When you came back, the paperwork was quickly forgotten.

“You guys sure on this one?” You’d asked, smoothing out a crease on your leg. The three of them were staring which wasn’t the most helpful thing ever. But in their defence, they’d only ever seen you in your greys or lounging around in an oversized republic T-shirt and trousers. You’d always looked nice even in that don’t get them wrong. But this was different.

“Okay, you’re starting to freak me out”

“Uh- sorry. Just wow, you look fantastic” Thorn replied, a slight blush to his cheeks and you squirmed under their gaze and his compliment.

“You sure? It’s not too much is it?”

“Trust us when we say that this poor guy is going to fall out his chair when he sees you” Stone added.

Fox didn’t contribute much verbally; he’d just nodded in agreement with his vode.

Back in his quarters, he’d noticed you’d changed back into your casual wear with your hair thrown up on top of your head to keep it out your way. You looked much more yourself he thought.

“Sounds to me like you dodged a blaster bolt with this di’kut” Fox announced before taking another large swig of his drink.

“I give up with all this, I’m just going to focus on my work and probably die in this war, having not slept with anyone in years. What a way to go”

Fox took another go at his drink. Kriff he wasn’t any good at the comforting stuff. The bitching and moaning aspects of life however, sign him up. He’d probably win a medal.

“You should come with us to 79’s next time if that’s all you’re after” he said, making you look over at him. “Guarantee you’d have half the troopers in that place falling over themselves for you”

“Isn’t that a bit messy? Sleeping with other people in the army?”

“Not if they’re off world most of the time”

“That” you took another drink “is a good point”

You ended up asking Fox how things were with him, and he entertained you with countless new senator and chancellor drama stories. The Coruscant guard were often forgotten in the corridors of the Senate, the senators thinking of them as droids minding their own business. But underneath those buckets, were a bunch of gossips who overheard some of the best information in the whole of Coruscant.

As he continued to talk, you both ended up getting out of your seats to stretch your legs around the small living space. You were currently trying to make your way across his quarters without touching the lines in the flooring, because drunk you thought that was valid entertainment.

“What are you doing?” He walked over and laughed at your concentrated stare directed at the floor as you hopped another step. It was a nice sound; you didn’t always get to hear the Commander laugh. You found yourself wanting to hear it more.

“Absolutely no idea” you replied with a goofy smile. You finally stood back up and faced him.

You looked at Fox, his hair fell into his face slightly from where the top was growing out. He’d had the sides recently shaved shorter again and overall he looked nice. Really nice.

The stress of his job was taking a toll on him you could tell, lines in his face showed signs of ageing beyond other troopers she’d seen. His grey hair had also become more noticeable, not that it was a bad thing, it definitely suited him. It somehow all just added to the rugged look of the supposedly perfect Commander.

A terrible idea popped into your head. You knew it was terrible. Sober you was screaming about how exactly stupid an idea it was. But drunk you, well she was plotting, she thought this idea was fantastic and would solve all her problems and would in no way shape or form create more for sober you.

You stepped into Fox’s personal space, taking him by surprise before pulling him into a kiss. He had just started to get over his shock and reciprocate before he jumped back and looked at you.

“You’re drunk” he stated, looking at the floor.

“So are you” you replied with an eyebrow raised.

“We’ve never done that before”

“I uh- I thought it’d be fun I guess” you finished lamely.

He was warring with himself; you could see his brain trying to decide what to do next and a little bit of you got excited. He hadn’t flat out rejected you. You think he was just trying to be respectful.

“How drunk are you?”

“Enough to make me just do that, but not so much that I don’t know what I’m doing” He processed your words for a second before he spoke again.

“Good enough for me” he said before he paced back over and claimed your lips. He had total control of the situation now and you were more than happy to let him have it.

The way he moved his lips against yours was making your knees weak. You couldn’t help but moan into the kiss as he deepened it further. His hands pulling you flush against him. He was radiating heat through his blacks, and it was adding to how intoxicating this entire encounter was. You ran your hands over his chest, feeling his muscles tense and ripple under you. Kriff he was so hot, why’d you not realise that sooner?

As he started kissing down your neck, you moaned again. “Fox” you breathed out his name as a needy whine, making him pause.

“Tell me what you want” He commanded, searching your eyes to make sure he wasn’t going too far.

“You” you said it with such certainty. He groaned at your confession, crashing his lips back to yours. He grabbed the back of your thighs and picked you up, your legs locking around his waist as he carried you over to his desk. The cold metal bit at you through your trousers but it was a nice contrast to the heat of your bodies pressed against one another.

You moved your hands to unclip the top of his blacks around his neck and then proceeded to pull the entire top off. You took him in, his broad shoulders, strong chest, battle scars he wore with honour and the trail of hair that lead to beneath his trousers. Maker, he was something else.

“Like what you see, mesh’la?” He questioned with a slight smirk, taking in you ogling at him.

“You have no idea”

The entire evening was filled with passionate kisses, lustful looks and sweet whispers. He absolutely worshipped your body for hours. As he never was a man for many words, his actions always spoke louder. And Maker, did you hear him. Loud and clear.

The next morning you both woke up to a loud banging on the door, stirring you from your deep sleep. Before you could even react, Thorn came storming in. His hand on the hilt of his blaster, voice strong but filled with concern.

“Commander, are you alright? You were late and we started getting worried because well, you’re never la- oh. Well, good morning” his worried features suddenly turned into a face splitting grin as he set eyes on the two of you. You were clutching the bedding to your form as you hid as best you could behind Fox, who looked like he was done with everything as per usual. Thorn then surveyed the room and found the empty liquor bottles, piles of clothes and random datapads thrown to the floor next to the desk.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to will away the banging headache he was sporting, Fox broke the silence. “Thorn, get out”

“Can’t believe you guys had a party and didn’t invite us!”

“Out!” Fox’s shout sent the two of your heads pounding.

“Alright alright I’m going” he relented with a chuckle. Just before he went fully out the door he shouted back “We’ve got to brief the new recruits in twenty. Want me to cover?”

“No, I’ll be down in fifteen”

“Yes, sir.” He said in a joking tone and then looked over Fox to the top of your head “Nice seeing you, y/n”.

“Thorn!” Fox shouted after him “Not. A. Word. To anyone. Understood?” Thorn just waved a dismissive hand back at Fox as he left. That filled you with confidence. Not.

You let out a loud groan as you flopped onto your back. Maker your head hurt. “Morning” Fox greeted you for the first time that morning, sounding equally as in pain as you felt.

Your grumpy features softened when you finally met his gaze. Last night had been amazing. But now the line of friendship had been crossed, and it was up to you both what to do now. There’s still time to turn back, call it a one off and laugh about it with the others. Or... you could carry on and see what happened.

“Morning.” You smiled at him “I had fun last night”

“Yeah, me too” he suddenly looked regretful, realising he had to dash out to work. “Uh listen, I better get up and actually do my job today. But would you want to catch up this evening? We can talk about this” he said gesturing to them both.

“Yeah, I’d like that” you smiled at him, and he seemed pleased enough with that to start rushing around, getting himself ready. You followed suit as you were also definitely late today, and your team were going to tease your mercilessly for it.

Before he put his helmet on and dashed out the door he paused. Turning around, he quickly strode over and placed a soft kiss on your lips. “See you tonight” he said, barely above a whisper, before dashing out and off to his briefing.

You stood there for a moment, in his quarters, with your hand touching your lips. You realised that you were looking forward to seeing him again tonight, part of you hoping that he won’t want to pretend it didn’t happen.

Back to Masterlist

[therewasatale]

go back

On Ao3.

Summary:  Would you go back? Would you leave him?

It was quiet, for once. And you were alone.

Sitting in the doorway of the wide barn, you could still feel the slow throbbing of the huge factory beneath through the ground. As if something gigantic was slowly inhaling and exhaling deep below. If you would have focused more, you might have heard the of tapping knocks, crackles, and rhythmic clicks as the plethora of machines did their thing ceaselessly.

The noise of the place has seeped into your very being. You didn’t really think you’d get used to the place so soon

You pulled your black coat closer to yourself while you watched the storm. The rain fed the puddles with fat drops. The drops fell into the water, creating big bubbles on their surface. It will rain for quite some time.  At least that's what your parents always said. By now, it seemed like a memory from a different life.

The wind rose and you took a deep breath. The sound of approaching footsteps mixed with the monotonous thumping filtering from the factory and the raindrops on the roof.

"Finally found you." Heisenberg stopped, then sat down next to you without question. "God damn it." This wasn't address to anyone, or more like it was addressed to everyone. A huge sigh escaped him and you two sat like that next to each other for a while.

"How was the family-meeting?" You glanced at the man. Even with his glasses on, you knew he rolled his eyes.

"I told you not to call it that." He pulled out a cigar from the depths of his coat and lit it expertly. "Bunch of freaks gathering so they can worship the mother." He almost spitted the last word.

You watched from the corner of your eyes as he slowly blew out a cloud of smoke, your gaze lingered on his lips for a few moments.

"The Dimitrescu daughters said hi..." Heisenberg grimaced and took a deep breath from the cigar. "They annoyed me until I promised I will relay this to you. So there." He pointed theatrically at himself and then bowed his head a little. "Now, no one can say I don't keep my word. God damn, annoying bugs."

A soft chuckle escaped your lips, and at the same time as a pleasant warmth feeling spread through your chest. So the three of them haven’t forgotten about you, they even think of you time to time. "Thank you, it's very kind of you."

"I know." He grinned slightly. However, his smile didn’t last long when he looked at you. "I still have a hard time believing how long you managed to put up with them." His voice was unusually serious.

"I think they think the same thing about you now."

Heisenberg snorted. "Smartass."

"Thank you." You pushed him softly with your shoulder then you ran your eyes through the landscape behind the pouring rain.

It's been half a year since you got here.

You and Lady Dimitrescu still haven't talked yet, but you thought it was for the best. The Lady could be very convincing, sometimes intimidating and you were afraid you couldn’t have said no if you found yourself facing her again. She could be scary, but the same was true for Lord Heisenberg. You secretly hoped that the difference was that, while Lady Dimitrescu would have been able to hurt you, it would not be true of the man sitting next to you.

As you thought in silence, Heisenberg also found himself sinking in his thoughts. He would never have admitted it, but in a strange way he was able to calm down now. Somehow, everything seemed more peaceful when he was with you, or even just around you. At times like these even his anger subsided. He rolled the pressed cigar slowly between his fingers and tried to lengthen this moment as much as he could. Nevertheless, he was never a patient man.

"You…don't want to go back to them?"

"Hm?" You asked glancing at him.

The man didn't look at you.

"Alcina looked less mad than sad when her kids asked how are you doing. Maybe she would-" he stopped when his gaze met your eyes. He didn't tell the whole truth; he couldn't get himself to do it. How his so called sister stopped him before they returned home.

 'You should give them back.' Lady Dimitrescu raised her voice, which almost trembled with emotion.

'Give them back?' He, on the other hand, wouldn't even tried to hide his annoyance. 'What are ya talking about? (Y/N) perfectly fine with me. Besides, if I remember correctly you were the one, who threw them out.'

His sister rolled her eyes. 'Oh, please. Maybe I've made a mistake. But-'

'No,' Heisenberg snarled. 'It was not just a mistake! You have no fucking idea how much you hurt (Y/N), but I'm not going to let you do it again!'

'They are mine!' Her voice became more filled with darkness with every word 'You don't know anything about them!' As always she stepped closer towering over him, trying to intimidate by her size. 'They are mine! You don't know anything about them!'

However, Heisenberg couldn’t care less, and was getting really riled up too.

'Shut your mouth! They chose to leave you; they don't need a giant SELFISH WHORE LIKE YOU! ' He knew he didn't supposed to be this angry. But he heard your muffled crying just one time too many. His fingers tightened around his hammer. There was more than enough metal around him to use, if its needed. He couldn’t really help with easing your pain, but if he could get rid of the source of your pain, maybe, just maybe, it would help.

The woman's eyes burned with anger, and her blades were ready to cut through anything that got in their way. Lady Dimitrescu leaned closer. 'Maybe they chose to leave, but they will choose to come back. They're not yours. They still belong to me and when they realize this, they will come back to me. I was the one who helped them, who took them in. A weak man-thing like you could never make them happy. And if it's needed then I'm going to take them back from you, you miserable wretch!'

'Go ahead and try, you big piece of useless TRASH!' The hammer moved behind him by itself and rose into the air.

'You two, enough of this non-sense!' Mother Miranda had been waiting silently until now. She couldn’t let two of her most important subjects start a pointless fight and get one of them injured. 'Go to your place. Now! '

There was a sharp wind as black branches burst out of the ground separating Lady Dimitrescu and Lord Heisenberg.

 "No, I don't want to go back." You leaned back on your hands, not even noticing as Heisenberg's shoulders tightening.

You let the smell of tobacco and rain creep into your thoughts. "I was happy there, most of them time."

The man felt his chest grabbed by an icy hand. He took a deep lung full of smoke from his cigarette again.

"Actually I had to, be more cautious there to keep myself safe, but when Lady Dimitrescu took me as her personal maiden. Well." You scratched your head. "Everything was alright for a while." You shuddered, you could still recall the Lady’s touch in your memories and on body vividly to this very day. But it all didn't matter now. "But, you know, after a while I started to think…I was really just a toy that they got bored of, maybe not for the daughters, but for the Lady? Certainly."

You didn’t have the strength to look at Heisenberg. If you had seen some sign of the same thing in his eyes now...If you were just an object, and he maybe started to find you less interesting now…Would he do the same?

"I knew it was going to end like this. It's fine." You lied with a fake smile.

Dense smoke rose from his lips. "So, that's why?" He almost sounded annoyed. "Why are you still here?" So maybe you would go back?

"Hm. Partly…maybe."

"Get to the point, (Y/N)." He muttered under his breath, but he was still listening seriously.

"I love being here, Heisenberg. This place is amazing, I got used to the sounds and the smell and I can do a lot more than in the castle. I don't want to go back because I can be better here, maybe even happier next to you."

Heisenberg felt his heart skip a beat.

"I can be an asshole."

"Yes, you can." Your smile became more earnest.

"So?"

You grabbed his coat with one hand, took the cigarette out of his mouth with the other, then pulled him in a kiss. You could smell the bitter, smoky taste of cigarette on his lips. He snorted in surprise but hugged you closer with one arm. After putting your cigar aside, you caressed his face gently. He kissed you the way she behaved, without holding back or acting nice. Couple of minutes later you had pull away, fully out of breath. Panting and deeply blushing you faced him.

"You are an asshole. But you are also mine." You carefully took off his glasses so you could look into his gray eyes. "Would you hurt me, Heisenberg?"

"No." The lord grinned widely, still, deep in his eyes you could see true warmth hiding there. "Only if you want me to, if you're into this kind of stuff." Pulling you into his lap, he kissed you again."

Around you, the noises of the factory and rain were pushed into the background, and you could only focus on the man's smoky lips and his strong arms, embracing you.

[juniorgman187]

i ♡ u (Spencer Reid Imagine)

Summary: Reader and Spencer are trapped in the office during a storm. 

Category: Smut, Fluff Content Warning: cussing, unprotected sex/creampie, thunderstorm Word Count: 4.5k A/N: I don’t really like this imagine tbh so don’t be afraid to share your opinions

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“It was a dark and stormy night just like this one . . .” Reid said with a spooky voice. Thunder clapped in the distance and lightning flashed, adding to the mood of the room. Reid waited for your reaction, but you didn’t have it in you. You pressed your fingers to your temples, hoping that moving them in a circular motion would somehow stimulate your brain and magically generate logical thoughts that weren’t clouded by your weariness. 

“Sorry, Reid. I’m listening. Keep going.” You didn’t want to discourage him with your fatigue. You were the only one who would consistently give Reid the time of day, and you never faltered in that. At times, you were the only one who’d let him finish speaking.

“You usually love my campfire scary stories,” You knew without even looking at him that Reid was pouting out of disappointment. “I really think you should go home. I’ll call you if I find something or if I need you.”

“No, no you shouldn’t be working on this alone. I’ll be fine.” You slapped your cheeks gently to wake yourself up and forced yourself to refocus on the case. 

Hotch and JJ had to fulfill parenting duties, Prentiss was away doing a custodial interview for a couple days, Rossi and Morgan both went home a few hours ago because they could barely keep their eyes open, and Garcia was most likely knocked out in her bat cave. The team had been working on this case for 24+ hours straight and it was draining, but you weren’t about to leave Reid alone to work on it by himself. It wasn’t a contest or a way to prove that you were somehow a better agent if you stayed up working with him, but you genuinely didn’t feel right delegating all of the responsibility onto him. It happened too often where Reid’s good heart and great work ethic was taken advantage of. 

“Have you narrowed down the comfort zone?” You sipped at your lukewarm coffee, wincing at the unpleasant taste but grateful for any burst of energy you could get. 

Reid nodded, drawing a large red circle. He was in the middle of explaining when his words started sounding like complete nonsense. “Interstate 55 miles true North latitude triangulate.” 

You almost thought you were hallucinating or something to that effect, but Reid saw the genuine fear in your eyes and quit his prank. “No, you’re fine! You’re fine! I was just saying random words to play with you. I thought it’d scare you enough to realize you need to get some sleep.” 

“Reid!” You chucked a pen at him that he successfully dodged. This only made him laugh harder. “You’re not gonna get rid of me that easy.” You told him. 

“When was the last time you slept?” He asked seriously.

It was a huge red flag that it took you somewhere around a minute to come up with the answer since it had been so long that you couldn’t remember. You waved your hand in the air to rid him of his concerned expression. He had no reason to worry. “Really, I’ll be fine. It’s less dangerous to be running on less than 8 hours of sleep than it is to leave one person to solve an entire case by himself. I’m not going home, Reid. I’m here to stay.” 

He noticed your stubbornness and thought of a new approach to neutralize the situation. “What if you and I both call it a night right now and then wake up in a few hours?” 

Now, this sounded like a plan you could get behind. Without any resistance, you set an alarm for 5 a.m and flopped onto the couch just beside the round table. Reid joined you, slipping into his rightful spot behind you. You’d had plenty of platonic sleepovers that constituted sharing the same couch/bed with him, so this was nothing new. With your back barely touching Reid’s chest, you shut your eyes. It didn’t take more than ten minutes for both of you to drift off. 

BEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEP!

A loud blaring noise filled the room. It made you and Spencer wake up at the same time. 

“What is that?” His voice was all raspy from where he just woke up. 

The sound was weirdly familiar, but you didn’t know where you recognized it from. That’s when you looked out the nearest window and saw that it was still dark outside. 

“I don’t know, but it’s not our alarm.” You pointed out. That’s when Reid eyed the clock on the wall. 

3 a.m. 

You quickly felt around in the dark, reaching inside your purse for your phone. When you pulled it out, the ear-splitting noise got louder, making you realize it was your phone after all, but you were right. It wasn’t your alarm. 

“It’s just a flash flood warning.” You relayed to Reid, squinting at the brightness of your phone. No wonder Reid didn’t know what the sound was - his ancient phone didn’t have the feature. You grumbled, falling back onto the couch. 

“There’s no way I’m gonna fall back asleep after that.” He groaned. 

You hummed in agreement. “Yeah, I’m wide awake now.” Stupid flash flood warning. 

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes while Reid stretched and got up from the couch. Checking the notifications he’d gotten on his phone, he said, “Garcia left while we were asleep.” 

“And then there were two.” 

Everyone was probably catching z’s while you two were catching the killer - or trying to at least. 

So, if it was just going to be Reid’s brain and your brain functioning to work on the case, you needed some coffee. 

“I’ll be back.” You walked down to the kitchen with your mug in hand and just as you were about to grab the coffee pot, a huge flash of lightning struck outside and suddenly the office went dark. The lights went out and the gentle hum of the generator shut off.

“Spencer!” You screamed out of fear. You heard the pitter-patter of his footsteps rushing to you. That’s when you saw Spencer using his archaic phone’s flashlight to find his way to you. He pulled you into a quick hug asking if you were okay, and you answered you were fine, just spooked. When you came down to pour coffee, you didn’t remember seeing anyone else, but now your stomach turned thinking about how someone might be in here with you - listening to you.

“Take out your gun,” He whispered. You did as he ordered you to, pulling your gun out of the holster. “Turn on the flashlight.” You clicked it on and handed it over to him, remembering that he didn’t have a flashlight on his gun because he had a revolver. 

“Stay behind me.” He commanded. You moved back, basically hugging him from behind. You thought you were actually going to pass out from fear if you didn’t hold onto him for dear life. He did a quick pass with the flashlight, revealing no one else was in the bullpen unless they were hiding. 

BANG! BANG!

You yelped in fear. “It’s just the thunder, Y/N,” He reasoned, reminding you of the ongoing storm. Oh right, there was a thunderstorm happening, too. Great. “Here take this and go back to the conference room.” He gave you his revolver and kept your gun, ushering you to walk back to the round table. 

“What? Why? Where are you going?” Your small voice had never sounded so shaky. 

“I’m gonna check the power box and see if I can fix it.” 

Your first instinct was to shake your head disapprovingly, but then you remembered that he couldn’t see you in the dark. “No way! You’re not leaving me alone in a dark room. I’m coming with you.” 

He didn’t argue against it probably because he was just as scared as you were. Reid did another quick survey of the room, using the beam of your flashlight to double check that there was no one else around. 

As you clung to Reid, you made yourself sick just by thinking of all the horrifying possibilities that could happen. For all you knew, a whole group of unsubs was waiting for you at the power box, knowing you and Reid would check there as soon as the electricity went out. Would whatever happened to you two tonight become a campfire scary story that other FBI agents would talk about just like how you and Reid talk about them? The odds were not in your favor. No lights. Storm outside. 3 a.m. Just the two of you, and no offense to Reid, but if this were a horror movie, he was probably the last person you wanted to be with. Top of the list was easily Morgan, because at least if Morgan was scared shitless by the predicament, he wouldn’t show it.

While Reid led the two of you through the pitch black darkness, both of your hands were holding onto his upper arm. You’d taken cover behind him, poking your head past his shoulder just far enough to see what he was seeing but only so far that you could duck quickly if you needed to. Frankly, Spencer didn’t even seem to mind that you were clinging onto him for protection. It kind of made him feel good actually. 

When you reached the power box, you released your grip on him, only realizing just how tight you’d been clutching him when you saw imprints left on his shirt from where you’d been holding on. 

“Take this.” He handed you the flashlight while he used both of his hands to pry open the box. 

You watched as his fingers grazed over the wires and fiddled with the buttons. Would it be weird to admit that his hands were kind of attractive? You’d never realized the largeness of them or how veiny they were, but there was something about them that made them so sexy to you.

He made a disapproving sound after further inspection.

“What’s wrong?” You weren’t actually wondering, but if you asked him, it would seem like you were actually paying attention to the situation at hand and not his hands. 

“It looks like the power shut off from a larger source, meaning there could be a blackout citywide. That also means I can’t fix it.” 

Hearing you’d be in the dark with no heat source was enough to snap you out of your trance. 

“I have an idea.” You led Reid to Garcia’s bat cave, after a memory of Garcia showing you her collection of glow in the dark figurines replayed in your mind. 

When you opened the cabinet, you smiled instantly at the sight of all the toys brightly lighting up the inside of the drawer. You knew that spending hours with Garcia listening about her toy collection would pay off eventually. Both of you carried all the toys you could and headed right back into the conference room. You placed them sporadically so that the entire room was dimly lit. Had these been candles instead of luminescent toys, it would’ve been ambient and romantic, but again - they weren’t candles. 

Unintentionally, you shivered audibly when a loud wind crashed just outside. The generator went out along with the lights, so it was awfully cold in the room.

Reid was about to give you his sweater when you stopped him by walking right up to him and stealing his body heat in a hug. Rather than embracing him around his sweater, you snaked your arms under the cardigan to really feel his warmth. And as if Reid was trying to kill you with kindness, he pulled the sides of his sweater to stretch around your back and swaddled you into his sweater with him. You smiled against his chest. Not much could make this moment sweeter.

“Better now?” He asked, peering down at your face.

You silently nodded, closing your eyes as if removing your sense of sight would heighten your sense of touch. You wanted to feel his affection as deeply as you could. 

“Tell me when you want me to let go.” 

“Not yet.” 

He laughed at your childish desire to be swaddled like this, but he was enjoying the warmth just as much as you were. 

“We can’t do much work with the power out so let’s just try to get some more sleep.” He walked with you to the couch, keeping his promise of not letting go until you told him to. 

With the storm outside and the flash flood warning, you two would just have to stay in the conference room until you had the all clear. You weren’t opposed to this entirely, though. There were much worse things you could do than listen to the rain in the arms of Spencer Reid.

“Okay, you can let go now but just for a second.” Your baby voice made him chuckle. He loved how you unabashed you were when asking for his attention. Reid laid down just as he did before, with his back on the backrest of the couch, and instead of having your back to him, you cuddled right up to him. While still wearing his sweater, he covered you in it again, drawing you even closer. 

For some reason, even though you were beat and you knew you needed the sleep, you couldn’t seem to shut your mind off and rest. You were awake for what felt like hours. You would’ve tossed and turned all night, but instead, you kept very still so Reid wouldn’t wake up. 

You’d be so focused on trying to fall asleep yourself that you didn’t even notice when Reid did. When you looked up, you saw his mouth was slightly agape, his eyes were shut and would occasionally flutter, and when you pressed your ear to his chest, he was breathing much slower than he was earlier. 

“If you stay still for 15 minutes, you’ll fall asleep. Just lay in the same position and don’t move.” He mumbled. So he wasn’t asleep? And he knew you weren’t either?

“I have been staying still, but it’s not working.” You whined. 

“Just try.” Reid murmured again.

You shut up and sighed, closing your eyes. This time, you made a conscious effort not to move a muscle. You even counted to 60 in your head 15 times, but after those 15 minutes, you were still awake. You weren’t even sure what was causing your insomnia. It was really peaceful to have the sound of the rain cascading down the window and the occasional boom of thunder outside. Being in Spencer’s arms was cozy, too, but there was still something keeping you up. 

“Spencer? Are you awake?” You scooted up so you could see his face. 

The only thing the moon was illuminating clearly was his lips. There was a distinct beam of silver light casting on his mouth, almost like it was lighting them up specifically. Like some sort of sign. A sudden urge possessed you, so without reason, you brought your hand up to his face and grazed your thumb over his bottom lip. Even with the gentle touch you were using, you were still able to feel how soft it was. You slowly dragged your thumb in a downwards motion, watching the elasticity of his lips cause it to bounce back up into its place. You nearly giggled at the sight. You moved your thumb to the corner of his mouth and followed it upwards to the natural curve of his upper lip. If you weren’t so observant before, you wouldn’t have noticed how Spencer very subtly parted his lips wider for you. Curiosity overcame you and you slowly inched closer to his mouth with your own.

“I think I want to kiss you . . . Can I kiss you?” You spoke in a soft voice, with each of your lips ghosting over his. 

A moment of stillness. Maybe he was asleep. Then, a small, very small nod of Reid’s head. You smiled as he let you take control. With your hand already along his jaw, you lifted his face slightly so you could feel the full force of your kiss. You pulled him in closer to relish the soft feeling of his puckered lips. He released his grip on the sweater that was still swaddling you so he could press the small of your back, forcing your hips to drive into his. The need to be even closer was translating into the kiss. It grew hungrier - more passionate and needy. Spencer raised up from the couch, propping himself up on his forearm so he could hover over you. You followed his lead and shifted to be underneath him. With his body over you, he was able to push off his forearms and onto his hands. They were on either side of your head, forcing you to sit up with him so your lips wouldn’t leave his. 

“Wait, wait,” He muttered, pulling away. You followed him with your mouth is desperation, until you couldn’t anymore, making you sit up entirely while Spencer backed away. 

“What’s wrong?”

“If we don’t stop now, I don’t know if I can stop later . . . I won’t be able to control myself.” 

It was in this moment you realize why you were often the only member on the team who’d actually listen to Reid. Nothing he could say would ever turn you off. Any word that escaped his lips was something you wanted to hear. His confession of being uncontrollable was no exception. 

“Do you know what I want to do?” There was a newfound confidence in your tone that shocked the both of you. 

“What do you want to do, Y/N?” Apparently, Spencer’s tone was just the opposite. He sounded like he was trembling with fear with anticipation. 

“Guess.” You flirted. 

Even in the dark, you could see Reid’s gears turning as he tried to find the right answer. He read your expression for a hint and made his guess by planting a chaste kiss on your lips.

“You’re cold.” 

He quickly caught on. You were making a game out of this. 

Hot and cold.

Reid made his next move with uncertainty. He slowly started moving forward to resume the position he had before he pulled away. As he came closer, you followed his lead and leisurely fell back. Every inch he would advance closer to you was an inch that you’d move back further until finally your back was pressed against the couch again and Spencer was hanging over you once more. With each of his hands beside your head, you smirked. “Getting warmer.”

This boosted his confidence. He was heading the right direction, and there was nothing Spencer loved more than to get things right. 

The same moonlight that was streaming onto his lips earlier was dancing on his eyes. The hazel color glimmered in the silver light. You could see they were asking, ‘Can I?’ You answered his look with a silent nod. 

Spencer reached behind him, following his hand with his eyes as he watched his fingers brush along your thigh. Looking back up at you for permission, which you granted, he peered back down, watching his fingers slip underneath the hem of your skirt. You lifted your hips up so he could raise the skirt all the way up. As if he was uncovering lost treasure, his eyes lit up when you were finally uncovered. 

“Fuck me.” He cursed under his breath. This made you ooze with confidence. 

You sat up to align your lips right beside his ear. With a breathy voice, you whispered, 

“Hot.”

He’d finally figured out what you wanted. 

The satisfaction he had in winning your little game gave him the confidence he needed to finally make a move. 

Hurriedly, he dragged your panties off, leaving prominent scratches from his nails on your thighs. He threw them somewhere behind him, while you frantically unbuttoned his dress pants. You almost giggled with glee when you saw just how hard he was. You barely did anything to provoke him, but he clearly enjoyed what little you did do. 

“I don’t have a -” You cut him off with a hasty kiss. 

“You don’t need to worry about that.” You needn’t explain more. He got the message when you reached down and gave his shaft a few shallow strokes.

“Oh-” He was immediately caught off guard by your forwardness. “Wait, wait shouldn’t I . . . um, help you first-”

You smiled at his stutter. “Spencer, please. I need you now.” 

There was that unabashed ask for Spencer’s attention that he loved so much. He made small movements until he was properly aligned with your entrance. 

“Tell me if I’m hurting you.” He breathlessly uttered, while gradually pushing in.

You thought you would’ve regretted not letting him finger you before in preparation but the bliss was far greater for some reason. 

The sensation was definitely new to Spencer when his eyes widened. “Oh fuck. You’re so tight.” 

Meanwhile, your face contorted at the feeling of him stretching you out. It was actually more painful than pleasurable. 

“Wait, Spencer - I need to change positions.” You panted. 

He instantly retracted, looking incredibly sorry. “Here,” He helped you up to your feet while taking a seat on the couch. You didn’t need an IQ of 187 to figure out how to position yourself, so you straddled Spencer, hovering over his erection. Taking charge now that you knew you’d feel more comfortable like this, you reached below you to align his length. Instantly, euphoria washed over you when you lowered yourself all the way until you were practically sitting on his lap. Spencer let out a heavy exhale now that you were able to take all of him in this new position. You moved your hands out from under you and put them on Spencer’s shoulders as a way to stabilize you each time you’d come up. After a few cursory movements, you found a comfortable pace. Spencer couldn’t contain himself, he had to grab your hips in his hands and buck up before, his pelvis meeting your ass before you could even fully lower yourself again. With the tempo of motion increasing drastically because of Spencer’s participation, you couldn’t even adjust to his length anymore. Every time he’d pull out was temporary relief for the ever-growing knot forming in your stomach. You bit back a moan when Spencer curled his hips to thrust into you at a different angle. This stroke mercilessly hit that knot in your stomach, forcing a strangled noise out. 

“Don’t stop, Spencer!” You were surprised at how you were even able to put together a cohesive sentence since your brain felt like it was short circuiting. 

With Spencer’s curved thrusts, the knot in your stomach grew bigger and bigger. You even felt yourself clench around Spencer. He felt it, too and his head instantly lolled back in pleasure. His eyes rolled to the back of his head with him. Your skin felt prickly as sweat started dripping from your forehead. If you didn’t know any better, the generator was working again because the heat in the room was thick. Spencer’s strokes were growing slower in anticipation. You picked up the pace for him and made a conscious clench around him to help him reach his peak. 

“I can’t control myself, Y/N. I need to pull out now.” He sputtered.

You made an indistinct noise that communicated your disapproval. It was the only thing Spencer needed to hear to know that it was okay if he came. 

“Cum for me, baby.” You moaned, knowing you were going to follow close behind. 

He dug his nails into your hips, bringing you back to reality as if it was his way of pinching you to tell you it was real. From the pain of his hands clawing into you, you almost couldn’t feel him coming, until you felt it dribble down your inner thigh. Suddenly, it felt like his warm essence made electricity surge through your body and course through your veins. With a speed faster than light itself, the knot in your stomach released. You cried out as his seed mixed with your own and cascaded down like the relentless rain outside cascaded down the window. The euphoria of your orgasm brought you to a complete stop. 

“Holy fuck.” You swallowed hard. The inside of your mouth was dry from where it hung open for so long. 

Spencer was at a loss for words. His silence was so unfamiliar you had to giggle. 

“You okay?” You lifted yourself off of his lap to gain some clarity. He gulped hard. 

“Am I dreaming?” He sounded genuinely dazed and confused, it was adorable. 

Garcia’s glow in the dark toys helped you to find a box of tissues. You took one from the box and wiped yourself before pulling your skirt back down. Meanwhile, Spencer zipped up his pants and ran his fingers through his hair. 

“Spencer,” You laughed a little. “You’re scaring me. Are you okay?”

He hadn’t changed his spot on the couch so you straddled his lap again, this time with more pure intentions.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, burying your face in his neck, while his hands rested on your hips again and his lips were pressing on your shoulder, leaving quick pecks. 

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” He confessed against your skin. You leaned back so you could see his face and kept your hands behind his head to play with the hair on the nape of his neck. Enjoying your soothing touch, he closed his eyes and tilted his head to lay against your wrist. He was so precious like this. With Spencer’s head cocked to the side, a distinct beam of light was revealed. This time it was shining onto your face, almost like what it feels like when you accidentally walk past a projector screen and look at the projector light. In this instance though, the light wasn’t nearly as blinding. It was soft and ethereal. It lit up the rain falling on the other side of the window. It even displayed signs of steam coming from the inside. You could see condensation running down the pane. It had gotten so hot in here because of you two that steam was produced. That felt like some sort of accomplishment. You mirthlessly chuckled and leaned forward. With this sudden movement, your chest was pressing against Spencer’s. He was forced to lift his head back up from your wrist when he wanted to examine what you were doing. You leaned past the backrest of the couch and exhaled a hot breath onto the window to make it fog up. Spencer watched you do this over his shoulder, trying to figure out what you were doing. With the glass fogged up, you started drawing a heart with your index finger. You lazily shaded in the heart and looked back at Spencer to show off your creation. It wasn’t pretty by any means, but it meant something. 

Spencer pulled a hand away from your hip to use his fingers to add to the drawing. To the left of the heart, Spencer drew a vertical line with a dot above it, and then to the right of it he drew a small horseshoe shape. You pouted your lips when you finally got the message. 

i ♡ u

You looked at him before blowing another hot breath onto the already existing fog to extend it. You drew a number right beside it. 

i ♡ u 2

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

[ackerfics]

hi! i don’t know if you’re taking requests but if you are would you be interested in a soulmate au with mikasa. i adore soulmates au a lot! mikasa x fem!reader (aot cast reincarnated into the modern world and they get to have a happy and not stressful life)

she is half of my soul, as the poets say  — mikasa ackerman

— mikasa ackerman x female reader (soulmate au)

— warnings: none, just fluff

— summary: you finally found each other.

— word count: 3.2k

— author’s notes: thank you so much for the request !! i hope you enjoy reading this because i had a blast putting this all together. plus, i couldn't help but place a quote from 'the song of achilles' bc that was a masterpiece.

Underwater.

Your surroundings were submerged in the depths of the ocean to you.

The professor in front of the lecture hall continued his lesson in a cacophony of white noise. The occasional flipping of textbooks and the clacking of the keyboard droned, a majority of the students tried taking down what the middle-aged man was reciting. You should be doing those, too, but there was something about your day that made you want to skip class and bury yourself in a mound of blankets. The air-conditioning wasn’t helping at all, it just made you drift away, even more, images of flying people and humanoid giants flickering through your mind. Even your vision was becoming blurry as you stared at the seat in front of you, not noticing how your Ethics professor dismissed your class with a reminder of the paper that was due the following week. You were still seated as most of the students stood up, eager to spend the rest of their day inside their dormitories and apartments.

“[Name].” Somebody called out to you but the raw feeling of swinging in midair acted like a bubble, keeping you from going back to reality. The voice groaned in frustration at your lack of response. “Earth to [Name]! Hey, wake up!”

You shook out of your stupor with a blink, turning your head slowly at the person waiting for you. You took in her casual attire, so different from the daydream you were in. At first, you didn’t know about your whereabouts, making you look around the lecture hall — empty except for the two of you and the professor at front. The feeling of confusion once again dominated your sound mind as you breathed out, “Where am I? I thought I was just outside in this desert and I was surrounded by people who were crying like they were a hopeless case. Then there was someone screaming my name, saying they wouldn’t let me go.”

The person pursed their lips, concerned and slightly creeped out at the nonsense coming out of your mouth. There weren’t any deserts near you right now because you two were in the middle of the city, inside a university. The way you phrased those words sounded like a plot from an apocalyptic movie you were bound to binge during academic breaks. There were accounts scattered around the internet about reincarnation that the person drank in the early hours of dawn when they couldn’t go to sleep but witnessing it in front of them, was another whole level of conspiracy theories. A hand was planted on your shoulder, your friend smiling sympathetically at you, knowing that you sometimes have these episodes inside your shared apartment. The look you gave them was enough to erase the wariness bubbling in your friend’s stomach, which spurred them to gather your things and placing them inside your backpack. Your friend worked in silence, however, they were aware of the stare you never took off from the side of their head.

“In case you don’t remember me,” your friend looked up at you with a twinkle of mischief in their irises, “I’m Hitch and I’m your roommate.” She was speaking to you as if you were a toddler, something that made annoyance tickle your chest.

“Hitch?” You mumbled, looking down on your lap for a solid minute until you gasped out loud, the sound echoing inside the lecture hall without any warning. The professor looked up from his seat, glare already in place at the disruption you caused. You buried your face in your hands, face erupting in hues of red because of the embarrassment creeping in your throat. “Oh, my God, don’t tell me I did it again.”

Hitch nodded with a shrug. “I mean, I’m used to your episodes but it always amazed me how you wake up from them all disoriented.��� Finishing with her task of tidying your bag, she pulled on your arm. “I think I should record whatever you say next time, this could be my viral moment.” When you gave her a dry glare, she laughed. “Oh, come on, think of the possibilities! But pushing that aside, let’s have dinner first.”

“Hitch, it’s only four in the afternoon.”

She scoffed lightheartedly. “We can always have a midnight snack later. Right now, I’m craving something savory.” The two of you went outside the lecture hall’s door, not missing the look of relief from your Ethics professor as you linked your arm with Hitch’s. She turned to you expectantly. “Any ideas for dinner, bub?”

There was a churning feeling inside your stomach, very much like those life-and-death situations during exams where you rely on your gut for the correct answer if the test includes multiple-choice questions. This time, instead of the nagging voice telling you to encircle the first choice, your gut was telling you to head to the café near your university. Aside from their famous coffee blends and teas (the latter being one of their specialties), the café houses a variety of dishes in its menu, which doesn’t make them a café anymore but the owner still insisted that they’ll be known as that establishment. It was more of a restaurant than your regular coffee shop, making it a hit among the students in the University of Eldia, where a majority of the student body was either caffeine-dependent or reliant on fast food take-outs. The quaint café owned by Levi Ackerman was the perfect solution to yours and Hitch’s grumbling stomachs. 

“How about the café just outside of uni?” You suggested, hoping that Hitch will consider the idea.

The said girl hummed, a finger placed on her chin. “The one owned by that grumpy short-stack?” 

“Hey, that’s rude.”

Hitch shrugged without care, hoisting her tote bag up to her shoulder. “Even his cousin calls him that, you know?” At your raised eyebrow, all Hitch could do was laugh at your adorable, clueless expression. Between the two of you, the light-haired girl was the social butterfly in your friendship and you wouldn’t be surprised if she even had an inkling of the gossips happening around your year level. 

“Relax, his cousin is a good person (that is if she doesn’t kill you with her blank stare), along with their little friendship circle. I must say, all of them look so adorable. You remember Annie, right?” She continued when she saw you nod, the mention of the blonde made you remember your time when the three of you shared your apartment. It was a good kind of chaotic, the three of you balancing out each other’s personalities. Annie was always the indifferent one, Hitch the most sociable, and you being the mediator of the two. “She’s dating one of Mikasa’s friends, Armin. Mikasa is the cousin, by the way, and I can clearly see the resemblance between her and the café’s owner. With the permanent scowl and all.”

“Uh-huh.”

You didn’t know what to do with the information so you only hummed and nodded your head every time Hitch spewed out a couple of trivia involving people you have heard down the hallways or being called during roll-calls. She even told you how one of Mikasa’s friends, Sasha Braus, was reprimanded for eating inside the class of an infamous terror teacher, which landed the girl on that professor’s blacklist. The girl, Sasha, was actually in one of your classes but you never really talked to her, all of your attention poured out into absorbing what the teacher relayed in the class. All of Hitch's ramblings spanned the entirety of your walk to the café — a talent your roommate has that amazed you every time it happened. 

The smell of cinnamon greeted you once you stepped inside the café, the homey decorations making your heart warm in an instant. There were a couple of college students in separate tables, all of them draping their textbooks and readings in front of them, headphones plugged in despite the soothing background music brought by the café’s speakers. Now that you mention it in your head, midterms were coming up in a month and you hadn’t started organizing your revisions. As your mind was filled with the scent of flowers and coffee, Hitch tugged on the sleeves of your blouse, your light-haired friend wordlessly gesturing her head towards one of the empty tables overlooking the window showing the small garden beside the café. You nodded and flashed a thumbs-up, already knowing what Hitch’s order is the number of times she went home with take-outs from this establishment.

Thinking that you should order something for a change, you looked up at the menu board above the counter. With your order listed in your mind, you faced the person manning the counter, ready to relay your order to her. What greeted you, though, wasn’t a smiling cashier, instead, wide gray eyes stared at you with a slacked jaw — irises flecked with an emotion that sent your heart lurching inside your chest. She was a tall girl with muscles in the right places, black hair styled in a pixie cut that made you appreciate her features more. You faintly recalled that she was in one of your majors, which should explain the air of familiarity surrounding her. Her hands on the small notepad hovered over the current lilac paper, her posture rod straight as her breath hitched while staring into you. You weren’t sure what made her react like that so you slightly tilted your head back to look at the booths behind you. Hitch caught your eyes, raising her eyebrow in a silent question. Facing the counter attendant again, you were shocked to see that star-like tears were decorating her eyelashes, chapped lips wobbly. 

It felt like you’ve seen that expression too many times but you were sure this was the first time you saw her face to face.

“Oi, Mikasa, why are you stalling?” A short black-haired man entered the space behind the counter, arms crossed and gaze questioning as he took in the breaking form of his employee. “It’s been a full minute and you still didn’t take the customer’s order.” 

“Can I stay in the breakroom for a while?”

Your breath was taken away at the sound of her voice. It sounded like all four seasons were present in the soft-spoken tone she carried, very different from her tough physical appearance. You were left staring at her back, chest nearly bursting open because of how fast your heart pounded just from that sentence. Images of late-night trysts played in your head; of secret kisses that created an ocean of emotions inside you; of eyes looking at each other with tendrils of hope before the gates open, death beckoning you in its arms; of desperate promises, neither person could ever keep. All of them were so familiar and nostalgic that a swarm of butterflies was starting to infest your ribs and chest, sprouting flowers that clogged your throat from speaking. 

Levi glanced at you, eyes analyzing your form with a hint of concern for his relative and wondering what made Mikasa act like that. “Sure, go ahead, brat, your friends are at the back. Hello, ma’am, I’ll be taking your order.”

“Oh, sure,” you murmured before beginning to list down the food you and Hitch will be indulging in, eyes curiously staring at the girl going inside the breakroom. “Uhm, is she going to be alright?” You tried asking Levi, who only looked at you with a raised eyebrow. “It looks like she had a fright here.”

“It’s the first time I saw her in that state, to be honest,” Levi simply answered, with no room for other discussions. “Your drinks will be served shortly.” He gave you a small gadget, his pointer finger pushing a button on the device, making it light up in a blinding red. “Once your drinks are ready, this will light up and you can get it here on the counter. Thank you for your patronage.”

“Thank you, too.”

It was only when you seated yourself in front of Hitch that you realized Mikasa’s voice sounded like the one always shouting your name in your daydreams, failing to keep the promise of never letting you go.

-

Mikasa was a mess.

First, before waking up for her 7 A.M. class one autumn day, she was haunted by the memories of her previous life (or this is what Armin told her, with him also remembering being born again from a different timeline, another universe altogether rather). In that more outdated version of this world, they were on the constant grapple with these beings called Titans. Her dreams became more complex the more time passed by as these Titans disappeared, replacing with it a looming war between two countries. Her daydreams always resulted in tear-stained cheeks, eyes then finding her best friend who started a mass genocide in their previous lives, Eren. When Mikasa remembered that part of her last life, she would often find herself staring deeply at the side of Eren’s head, resulting in the brown-haired man complaining about her soulless eyes. It looked like Eren didn’t remember it, which nearly drove Mikasa mad. 

Until that day Eren came up to her after a three-hour lecture, all haggard with his man-bun in disarray, and shouting, “I’m so sorry for laughing at you, Mikasa! I had a dream during a lecture of those titan things you and Armin are talking about. I believe you!”

Second, the warmth of somebody was a constant in balancing out the horrors of her daydreams. Among the carnage, a body fitting against hers with the morning rays passing through the slit of the windows was a sight she didn’t want to wake up from. Threads of soft hair tickled her cheek, making way for an unforgettable shade of irises that she compared to the crystals they found underneath the Reiss estate. A smile so vibrant that it paled in comparison to the blue expanse of unknown waters they saw after killing all the Titans in Paradis. The smell of freshly picked flowers lingered in the air, acting like the comforting blanket Mikasa had when she was young. At first, she couldn’t see the face of the person but as the episodes became more vivid, Mikasa finally saw the woman of her dreams. 

Pulchritudinous — that’s what you are.

After that encounter with you in the café, Mikasa immediately talked everything out with her two friends.

“So you’re saying that you kind of knew her but you don’t?” Eren pointed out after a spoonful of ice cream. “This is some conspiracy theory shit right here.”

“Eren,” Armin sighed. “This is not one of those videos you watch at 3 A.M., okay?” The blonde glanced at the last member of their little trio, who was pacing in front of them with a queasy expression on her face. “Mikasa, I know you feel like you’re in a pinch but please calm down.”

Eren leaned forward and took a spoonful of ice cream from the tub on the low table. “It’s no use, Armin. You know Mikasa.” He nodded his head towards the said girl. “Once she enters that state, we can’t do anything about it.”

“I know,” Armin trailed off, dejected.

Mikasa buried her hands through her hair. “This was so unexpected.”

“Clearly,” Eren dryly stated.

The blue-eyed boy beside him instantly hit the back of his head. “Eren!”

Mikasa stopped pacing, not hearing how Eren exclaimed ‘finally’, her face and neck erupting in a warm shade of red that made her two friends exchange a concerned glance. Placing a hand on her pounding chest, she murmured with half-lidded eyes, “She’s much more beautiful than my dreams depicted her to be.”

Armin breathed out a silent ‘oh’ while Eren snickered, “Great, she turned into a simp,” to which the former slapped another hand at the back of the green-eyed boy’s head.

“That explains it,” the black-haired girl exclaimed. “There were times where a voice inside my head tells me to be at this specific place at a specific time.” (“I’m concerned,” Eren stage-whispered to Armin.) “While applying for this university, I had a feeling that I should take up medical sciences. Every time I’m at the campus, I will always find myself in the library after five o’clock and there are instances that I would search the tables. And you guys know how I hate helping Levi in the café.” Eren and Armin nodded as if they were children. “I just realized that she was always there, I can see her now. Why did I miss her when all this time, I was meant to find her? And now that she’s finally in the café right when I told Levi that I felt like helping the shop, I ran away! I’m such an idiot!” Mikasa then sunk on one of the plush chairs, her groans mingling with the gloomy atmosphere she created.

“You’re not an idiot, Mikasa,” Armin told her, to which she replied with an aggravated groan.

“Yeah, you’re not an idiot, you’re just having a gay panic moment,” Eren casually announced. Both of his friends slowly turned their heads toward him. He stared right back, blinking as he shrugged. “You have to admit, I’m not wrong.”

“You’re not helping right now.”

“I’m just stating a fact, Armin!”

The blonde boy rolled his eyes. “So what are you going to do about this, Mikasa?”

“About Eren?”

“No,” Armin shook his head. “Eren will be fine with his two brain cells.”

“Hey, I’m right here.”

Armin rolled his eyes and fixed his gaze on his gray-eyed best friend. “So are you going to tell [Name] that you two are star-crossed lovers pre-destined since your previous lives?”

The confidence she gained the day before during that conversation with her childhood friends dissipated as Mikasa awkwardly stood in the middle of the university’s library, eyes widely staring at you, who was browsing the shelves for the reference material for your papers. She didn’t expect to meet you this suddenly. All she was supposed to do was borrow a reference material and there she realized that the two of you share the same major so most of your schedule line up with one another — the both of you share a free period. Almost as if you were surrounded by a magnetic field, Mikasa went in your direction, her heart matching her footsteps. Meters became feet as she looked at your captivating figure. Even with a shirt tucked inside a pair of jeans, you are still the most beautiful girl inside the library. 

And as you lifted your gaze, your glinting irises meeting her gray ones, Mikasa swore her orbit was waiting for this moment to be tilted to you.

Tears were immediately present in your eyes when she stood in front of you, it was as if you remembered her.

“Hey,” Mikasa breathed shakily, hands gripping the strap of her backpack.

“Hey, starlight.”

That nickname. The one you blurted out when Mikasa invited you stargazing in the meadow beside the Survey Corps Headquarters. You said it suited her because her eyes reminded you of the glow of the stars forming a canopy above you. But for her, you were brighter than any star in the sky, you were an entire cosmos altogether. ���You became a part of me the moment I laid my eyes on you in our town. Right then and there — wherever you go, I’ll go. Because I know, I’m a part of you as well.”

“You finally found me.”

You are half of her soul, as the poets say, and the Fates will do everything in their power that it stays like that for eternity. 

[vegalocity]

Kiss 9- first kiss for Amnesia Spicynoodles? (Whether as Red Boy and Xiaotian or Red Son and MK, your choice).

Affection meme

9. first kiss

Goddamn i gotta get back on that AU

That's actually a very clever shorthand for the difference between 'the Son of the Monkey King' and 'The Monkie Kid' Anon hope you don't mind me using it!

Also since this is technically the first real THING i'm writing for this Au it got a lil crazy

--

It was.... weird... falling into this rhythm with Red Son.

Even he'd seemed surprised at how quickly he'd agreed to join their team while they were hunting down the weapon that could finally end the Lady Bone Demon. Sure he'd reasoned that he was doing it for the sake of his father, that their family had been taken advantage of by that demon, and this was little more than 'enemy of my enemy' but barely time at all had passed before he may as well have joined simply because he wanted to.

There weren't a lot of bunks on Sandy's Hovership, and at the start of all of this, everyone was so on edge (and in Monkey King's case injured) that it just made more sense to sleep whenever it struck rather than sort out bedroom options and who bunked with whom.

Which had lead to some interesting things so far, such as Monkey King tending to curl up against Tang as he was reading or something and taking a nap right there and how Tang seemed like... wayyy too comfortable with it despite how he'd first reacted to seeing him on New Years.

Pigsy was ALWAYS crabby in the mornings, but he was getting exponentially more frustrated after waking up for something or another he never seemed to be able to relay when he woke (probably some frustrating reoccurring dream that keeps blotting out when he wakes up, MK didn't remember his dreams much either so he could relate)

And about thee days in of Red Son working with them, he'd knocked out during some down time, and while he was sitting near him. The ship rumbled, Red Son hadn't woken, but he slid to the side until he was leaned against MK's shoulder. and... It was comfy. Red Son was warm, and soft.

And before he'd known it he was being startled awake by Xiaojiao making delighted cooing noises and the flash of her camera. And when he jostled Red Son woke up as well. He'd met his gaze for a second and his artist brain noted that his eyes were a rather lovely shade of amber, not even fiery orange or honey brown, but pure, precious stone amber.

and for a moment it had felt... nostalgic... in a way he couldn't place. and the puzzled look on Red Son's face mirrored his confusion at the sudden thought, before the demon slammed up the walls again and pushed MK away, face burning bright red.

But from there it had spiraled.

It was just so... easy? he supposed would be the word. It was almost startling how easy it was to fall into this rhythm with Red Son. Not a few months ago he was a nominal enemy, yet here they were finding themselves sitting next to eachother more often than not, sometimes close enough for shoulders to brush, their unconscious bodies rolling over at once to tangle together like it was the most natural thing in the world.

At one point they were facing a demon that had cast one of those 'greatest fear' spells over the lot of them, and before it had hit he'd felt Red Son slip his hand into his own with a small startled gasp. And before the world went black and he was covered by spiders and the looming specter of his own failures he'd squeezed back.

That had actually happened just hours ago, and MK's hand was still tingly. Everyone was a little shaken up from that one. (Monkey King had holed himself away in one of the few bedrooms there were and he sounded physically pained when MK had tried to check in on him and he'd answered that he'd rather be alone. he was pretty sure Tang was allowed in, and he tried not to take that personally. It was probably a whole 'Mentor doesn't want his student to see him freaked out' thing. If he didn't stop taking everything so damn personally he'd be a sucker for the next fear spell or whatever.) And unlike the others, Red Son didn't have any loved ones on this ship to help reassure him.

So... if their... something or another... that had been developing was gonna mean anything, that probably meant it should fall on him.

Red Son was where he'd expected him to be, half buried in engine guts in Sandy's work area, his hands were shaking and there was a far off look in his eye.

MK had to physically lift him and drag him away, and it was a lot harder without the Mystic Monkie Strength, but he managed.

in fact he'd gotten all the way to the kitchen area and Red Son had stopped struggling in his arms screeching to be let go (yet never trying to flare his fire and forcing MK to drop him) before his stamina gave out and he had to deposit Red Son in one of the chairs.

"Noodle boy i swear this truce will end in an INSTANT if you do not explain yourself-"

"You're freaking out."

"YES I AM! You would be too if your current ally just lifted you up from what you were doing and carried you to the deserted part of the ship because even the Pig is too on edge to be in here!"

"I mean from this afternoon. Red son, you've been pale as a sheet since we got out of there and your hands are STILL shaking." He watched as he hurriedly hid them in his pockets. "You need to talk to someone. And it may as well be me."

"I- I don't need to talk about ANYTHING! Presumptuous Noodle Boy... Bold of you to assume I'd just pour my heart out at some perceived internal detriment which you have no proof even exists!" The bluster and casual insults were considerably less convincing than they were when they were enemies...

...maybe he was just starting to see through them better.

Red Son pulled his hands back onto the table, as a sort of subtle show of how fine he totally was, and clenched his fists to keep them from continuing to shake.

"Red..." The nickname felt... natural. He couldn't quite explain why, but he supposed they'd been Something-or-Another-ing long enough to make it reasonable. Red Son's glare abated and was replaced quickly with a shocked expression. But he didn't shout to not be called something so short, so MK considered that a signal to continue. So he continued with what felt natural and placed a hand over his clenched fist.

The defensive anger was all but gone. And that puzzled, yet slightly awed look he kept sharing with Red Son during moments like these replaced it and those amber eyes darted down to their linked hands, as if he didn't quite know what to do next.

Eventually Red Son came to a decision, and MK let him fiddle around with his grip until their hands were linked properly. And it felt... it was that weird sense of nostalgia again. And as everything else neither of them could quite explain it felt right. familiar. Natural.

"It's not really worth talking about." Red Son responded after the moment passed. yet he didn't pull his hand away. "I know better than to believe what it had showed me."

"Red-"

"I mean, I SHOULD know better, right?" He looked away from MK then, but squeezed his hand a little tighter. "I mean- they're my parents. and they agreed me coming along with you all to take down the Lady Bone Demon was the best course of action. I know they wouldn't disown me because they believed I was becoming more aligned with you all than with the family. That just because we're friends doesn't mean I'm somehow betraying them!" Red Son was working through it in his head, and he didn't seem to really realize that he'd admitted to seeing MK as a friend, so he just squeezed his hand a little tighter and filed that away to celebrate later.

"It's irrational, and it's ridiculous that I actually feared the idea."

"It's not ridiculous, If you think it's irrational then it probably is, but it's not ridiculous. " Red Son looked back at him then and raised a brow. "I mean, who isn't afraid that they're letting their parents down in some way?" He remembered how nervous Xiaojiao was about the idea of disappointing her family, and he was always worried that he'd disappointed his fath-....

What was he thinking about again?.... right, Xiaojiao and her parents.

Red Son took his attention again and the confusion zipped right out of his mind. he gently detangled his hand from MK's and was moving to stand.

"I suppose you're right. And... In that regard I should probably thank you for allowing me the chance to properly process."

"Anytime, Red."

He stood as well, with nowhere else to go, he supposed he'd probably just go out onto the deck and do a little one-man training, heavens knew he needed it.

Red Son put a hand on his shoulder before either of them could pull away and when he turned back to face the demon-

Red Son was looking at him with intent. determination. And it was only then that MK realized that maybe holding someone's hand while they talked about some Real Shit with you, constantly sitting next to each other so as to be closer, falling asleep on each other, and sometimes when you wake up you glance at their mouth wondering how easy it would be to just...

Maybe that wasn't just all friendship overtures.

And maybe they'd had a name for their little something-or-another already.

Neither of them were ever very good at this whole 'self control' thing anyway.

Red Son was just as warm as he'd anticipated. His calloused fingers hooking under his chin as if to keep MK in place. And it was... chaste. Nothing like the fierce passionate devouring of another's mouth that he'd anticipated a demon to go for (that he'd daydreamed about) Almost... child-like. As if Red Son hadn't kissed anyone since before he hit Demon Puberty and didn't know how to do it right. And the action alone made MK feel very much like a child as well. Which was ridiculous he was a grownass man and Red Son was a fully matured demon, and the shortest most chaste little peck made him feel like a squeaky voiced kid.

When they parted he peeked his eyes open just a bit, and it seemed like Red Son had realized the same thing, the two of them shared a soft chuckle.

But then Red Son started to pull away, and that wouldn't do. MK wrapped his arms around the demon's shoulders and properly kissed him this time.

And it didn't feel quite as natural, but it did feel right.

So that was what mattered.

--

Send me stuff

[ssa-babygirl]

Out of my League [Part 6]

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Single mom!Reader

Word count: 3.3k

Summary: JJ gives you some bad news and Spencer feels like he’s only making matters worse. For both of you.

Warning(s): Angst, mentions of grief and death, allusions to relapse, swearing, mentions of drinking, this is lowkey a mess so i may have missed a couple of warnings

Author’s Note: IT’S HERE!!!! YAY!!! that’s the happiest you’re gonna be all chapter. The next one may take a bit of time and i am SORRY for that because this may or may not have a sorta cliffhanger you should just read it to find out!! also heads up there are a lot of perspective changes later on please just imagine how it would be cut together in a movie that’s how i wrote it OK ENJOY DON’T BE MAD JUST TRUST ME OK??

[Previous Part] [Series Masterlist]

Washington, D.C., 2011

(Reader POV)

You’d gone to three different funerals since moving to D.C. Three more than you would have liked, obviously, no one ever really wants to go to a funeral.

The first had been your father’s. You had Jamie and your mom, but you needed Spencer. He was out on a case and you couldn’t blame him for not being there, but he made up for it a million times over. Your dad’s death wasn’t unexpected, and while it hurt to say goodbye, it was relatively easy to move on.

The second had been for Aaron’s ex-wife, Haley. You didn’t really know her, but Aaron was your friend and you wanted to support him. That and Jamie got along very well with Jack, acting almost as an older cousin, and you know how important family is when you lose a parent.

The third and most recent funeral was the worst one: Emily’s. She was there one day, raring to go and take on the world, gone the next. 

The day you found out was just terrible. JJ had called you herself to tell you. You managed to stay calm until you hung up, when you practically threw your phone onto the kitchen table and collapsed into a chair, tears pouring down your face as silent sobs wracked your body.

Jamie ran in at the sound of you crying, “Mom? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

You shook your head, unable to speak. Jamie wordlessly wrapped his arms around your shoulders and held you as you struggled to regain your voice. When you could finally breathe and relay the news you just received, you choked out, “Aunt Emily died last night.”

Then Jamie started crying too. He curled up into your shoulder and sobbed into your shirt, soaking you to the skin, almost like he was little again. You crumbled at the sound of his whines and cries. Every part of your chest ached with the weight of your grief. 

“What happened to her?” He finally whimpered.

“She has a dangerous job,” You didn’t even notice the tense you used, “A bad man was after her.”

“Well, is everyone else okay? What about Uncle Derek? What about Doc—”

“Everyone else is fine, baby, no one else was hurt. Doc’s fine.”

You sat still for God knows how long, silent, clutching each other like a lifeline, praying this was all just a dream and that you’d get a call from Emily telling you it was all some sick joke. Of course, you’d be furious with JJ, but at least there wouldn’t be a hole in your family where Emily had once been. 

Your mother came over to help you cook, the same role you had taken years prior while your father was sick. She consoled you and Jamie for the next two days and then drove you to the funeral. You got out of the car and walked in silence to the church, clutching Jamie’s hand as you entered. 

Aaron was the first at the door. He wasn’t one for hugs, but when he saw you, exhausted and barely standing, he pulled you and Jamie in tight. The hug was brief, but it helped, God, did it help. Dave was just behind him, and he didn’t hesitate. He ruffled Jamie’s hair and gave you a kiss on both cheeks. JJ was holding Henry in the corner, and Will gave you a weak smile. Derek and Penelope were holding one another, both shaking as they cried. Your grip on Jamie’s hand grew tighter, tighter, tighter until you saw him.

You then dropped Jamie’s hand as you ran over, arms open wide as your son followed close behind, “Spence--”

He returned your hug instantly, burying his face in your hair, “I’m sorry I didn’t call--”

You felt Jamie join the hug, but you kept your head buried in Spencer’s chest, “No, I’m sorry too, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Me neither.” He pulled away, wiping away some tears and sniffling, “I’ve just been holed up in my room reading Vonnegut all for the past three days.”

Of course, “What books?”

“Mostly Slaughterhouse-Five, it was her--”

“Her favorite,” You nodded as you spoke the last part in unison with him.

“Yeah. I read it out loud just…” His voice cracked and the words looked painful to get out, “Just in case she could hear me.”

Your heart broke imagining him wrapped in blankets, eyes rimmed red as they glazed over the worn-out pages. You ached at the thought of his voice cracking just as it did before as he read for hours and hours, begging the universe to let Emily hear him, “She did. And she loved it.”

“I just hope she didn’t realize I was crying,” he muttered, and it shattered you, “She wouldn’t want us to cry for her.”

“You’re right, but I know she’d be unbelievably offended if we didn’t cry just a little bit,” Spencer’s tearful smile was enough to make you feel slightly better. There was still hope.

Your mom took Jamie home after the wake, knowing that you needed time with the team to feel like a person again. You went home with Spencer. He shouldn’t have to be alone anymore.

“You’re really good at taking care of me,” he smiled weakly, sipping the tea you made for him.

“Yeah, I had a good teacher.” Your mother was always there when you lost someone. You had your ups and downs, but she was a good mom.

“Does it get easier? Losing someone?”

“No. It always hurts just as bad,” you sigh, “But moving on used to be a lot harder.”

“Do you still miss him?”

“Of course I do, but less than I used to.” You still talked to your dad sometimes, something you did as a kid when he wasn’t home, just telling him about your day or narrating what you were doing. Even after all these years, you still found yourself explaining to no one that you had to run to store and buy bread to make Jamie’s lunch.

“I see little pieces of him everywhere I go. Jamie has the same exact smile. His favorite book when he was little was the same one my dad read to me. No one ever really leaves. Family, friends, they stick with us.”

“I’ve never lost a friend before. When Gideon left, I knew he was out there. Same with Elle. I could have Garcia find them right now and call them up to see how they’re doing, but Emily--” his voice cracked too much for him to want to continue, so he dropped it altogether.

“Did I ever tell you about my college roommate, Juliet?”

“No.”

“We were best friends. We did everything together: Movie nights, parties, all that. The night of our last final senior year, we decided to go clubbing to celebrate.”

You told him the whole story. The drinking, the dancing, the guy. You don’t remember his name, but you remember trusting him. He was sweet and Juliet liked him, so when she came to you at the bar after dancing with him telling you she was going home with him, you let her.

“I was happy for her! She had just gone through a breakup a few months before, so it was nice to see her getting some,” you let out a weak laugh, “I remember the last thing I said before she left was ‘Okay, have fun, call me in the morning, we’ll get brunch. I love you.’” Spencer winced, almost as if he knew where this story was going. Given his line of work, he was expecting far worse, but he at least knew that we didn’t get lunch the next morning.

“I went home a little bit later, I got bored, so I got a taxi home.”

You close your eyes and sigh deeply, “I’m in the back seat when I get a call. It was Juliet’s phone.”

“She wasn’t calling you, was she?”

“No, it was the police. Juliet didn’t have a good relationship with her parents, so I was her emergency contact.” You had to plan the funeral, invite her parents, look them in the eye and lie to them that Juliet wanted to make amends with them. The horrified guilt on their faces almost made it worth it, “The car she was in got t-boned when the guy ran a red light. He wasn’t as sober as we thought he was.”

“She didn’t make it.” Spencer guessed for you.

“No. She was dead before they got her out of the ambulance.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. If Juliet hadn’t…” You still couldn’t bring yourself to actually say it, “I wouldn’t have moved home, I wouldn’t have gotten back with Kyle, and I wouldn’t have Jamie. I don’t wanna tell you that something good will come out of this, because that’s a horrible thing to hear, but looking for an opportunity to find something good can’t hurt.”

“I can’t just look for something new when all i can think about is how I should have been able to help!”

“You really think I didn’t blame myself for what happened to Juliet? That every night for years after I thought I could have done something differently, and sure, I could have, but it’s not like I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn’t keep blaming myself.”

“It’s not the same, you don’t get it.” His fingers ghosted over old scars on his forearms, scars you didn’t want to think about where they came from.

“I do, Spencer. Emily was my friend too. And because she was my friend, I know she would never let you blame yourself for it. She knows you can’t save them all. All we can do is save ourselves,” you took his hand in yours, he still tensed up, “‘cuz that’s all the people we lose want us to do.”

He turned his head up from the floor and met your eyes. Once you gazed into those deep hazel irises, the tension in his hand melted away. His shoulders slumped, and he let out a deep breath, squeezing your hand like a lifeline, “Thank you.”

“Of course, Spence.”

“I’m sorry for snapping.”

“You apologize too much.” You had nearly forgotten exactly what he said to you that night in the hotel bar in Vegas all those years ago, but clearly, he hadn’t, he couldn’t, and he didn’t, because after a few moments of staring into your eyes and slowly drifting towards you in peaceful silence, he closed the gap between you both and kissed you.

Spencer Reid was kissing you.

This was happening.

Nearly two decades of being friends--

Years of being totally, ridiculously, and most importantly, cluelessly in love with each other, Spencer Reid was kissing you. You were almost so overjoyed at that moment as you started to kiss him back that you nearly forgot that your friend was dead and you were supposed to be comforting him. This wasn’t comfort, this was what Kyle did to you all those years ago.

You broke the kiss before he did something he’d regret, “Spence…”

“Oh my god,” he removed his hands from your face and shifted his entire body away from you, “I’m so sorry.” 

“No, don’t-”

“Oh my god, I’m an idiot!” He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling at the strands as his hands landed at the back of his neck, forcing his head to stare in his lap.

“No you’re not! Hey. Genius. Look at me.” He didn’t. “You’re not. You’re just in a bad place, I get it.”

“No you don’t. This time, you don’t.”

“What do you m—”

“Look, I don’t wanna kick you out but I really think you should leave.”

“Oh… yeah… sure… okay.” You slowly rose from the couch on weak knees. Whether it was from adrenaline or anxiety, you couldn’t tell.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! Just… please, take care of yourself?” You glance around the room for your belongings, “Shower, eat something, get some rest, please. And call me if you need anything--”

“Y/N, please, just go.”

You felt tears sting your eyes as you reached for the doorknob. You turned your head just enough to look over your shoulder to say, “Goodnight, pretty boy,” before you left. You closed the door behind you and leaned against it, breathing heavily. 

           (Spencer’s POV)

Why was I kicking her out?

Why was I telling her to leave?

Why was I pushing her away?

Why did I kiss her?

Why did she push me away?

Why did she call me “pretty boy?” She never--

The pieces fell into place as they often do, all at once with the force of a car slamming into a pole at fifty miles per hour. 

“Goodnight, Pretty Boy.”

“Goodnight, Princess.”

She remembered that night.

She remembered that night when I drove her home and put her to bed and--

And I told her I had a crush on her in high school.

And I almost said I loved her.

And I almost kissed her then.

God, I wish I had. Any time would have been better than now.

          (Reader POV)

You didn’t know you could miss someone so much while they were behind just one door. You could’ve turned around right then and knocked and waited for him to be ready to talk about what just happened. About him kissing you. About you kissing back. About you stopping him. About that drunken night when you let it slip how pretty you thought he was.

You should’ve just waited.

But you couldn’t stand to be that close to him while he wanted to be as far away from you as possible.

So you ran.

You practically sprinted down the stairs and out of his building as quickly as you could, getting in your car and pulling out of the parking lot and getting the fuck away before you hurt anyone else, including yourself.

          (Spencer POV)

I couldn’t just let her walk out like that.

I had to say something.

I had to go after her.

I had to get her back.

I needed her.

But when I opened the door, it was like she had never been there. 

I leaned on my door frame staring at the staircase down the hall, wishing I had the energy to run after her, to catch her before she reached her car, to stop her from driving away, to tell her I was sorry, to beg her to please, please, come back upstairs and talk to me, but my feet were fixed to the floor and my legs were weak. I just closed my door with my back and slid down to the floor, unable to bring myself to cry anymore. I sat there for god knows how long until I found the energy to crawl over to the coffee table where I had left my phone, picked it up, and dialed a number.

          (Reader POV)

You jumped slightly at the sound of your phone ringing, you shuffled through your bag in the passenger seat, desperately trying to find it before the light turned green. Some foolish part of your mind told you it was Spencer, you wished it was Spencer, you wanted nothing more than to turn your car around and talk it all out with him, tell him you were sorry, that you loved him, that you needed him, but your heart sank when you looked at the screen and saw the number.

It was a just fucking spam call.

You threw your phone back in your seat and beat your fists against the steering wheel, groaning and wishing the fucking light would just turn green already. When it finally did, you slammed on the gas a bit too quickly, sending the car jolting forward. You barely stopped the entire rest of the ride home, the universe must have sensed your impatience. As you finally pulled into your driveway, your skull felt as though it was packed with cotton, your tear tracks drying on your cheeks.

You raced up the steps to your door, fussing with the keys and trying to unlock the door as quickly and quietly as possible. You inevitably made noise as you entered, prompting a light to turn on in the living room. Your mom rose from the couch she had been sleeping on, her face dropping from annoyed to concerned.

“Toots, you’re home already? I thought you wouldn’t be back until morning.”

You had thought that you were fresh out of tears, but apparently, you still had more to spare, seeing as you broke the second the words left her mouth.

“Oh my, what happened?” She raced towards you, wrapping you in a hug, “Is Spencer okay? Did something happen?”

As confused and sad as you were, you couldn’t stop the smile that had suddenly appeared on your face, “He kissed me.”

“He what?” She broke the hug, holding your face in her hands and wiping tears off of your cheeks, “Then honey, why on Earth are you here?”

          (Spencer POV)

“You kicked her out? Why?”

“Why do you think I called you, Jennifer? What do I do? How do I fix this?”

“Well, what exactly happened?”

“I freaked out, she came over, we talked, I,” I took a deep breath and braced myself for her reaction, “I kissed her—”

She almost choked on her coffee, “And you didn’t lead with that? Don’t you think that’s a little important?” 

“I was trying to avoid reliving it for as long as possible.”

“You’ve wanted this since high school, why wouldn’t you want to relive it?”

“She pulled away.” There was no anger or sadness behind my words. I don’t sound hurt as I recount the scene, “She took my hand, I kissed her, she stopped me.”

JJ’s hand brushed over my shoulder and I flinched away slightly.

“I apologized immediately, she wasn't mad or anything, I just…” I trailed off, unable to admit that I just couldn’t look at her anymore. I never thought I’d get tired of seeing her face, but I had needed her to leave. When she pulled away, all I could think about was the sound of Alexa Lisbon sneering at me as Kyle and his goons tied me to that goal post.

“She wanted to help me, and I know she did, but…”

“She couldn’t.” JJ finished my sentence.

I shook my head, “Not this time.”

“But now you want her to come back?”

“And I don’t know how to tell her that because I fucked up.”

“What did she say after you told her to leave? Did she just go?”

          (Reader POV)

“I told him not to feel bad and to take care of himself.” You hadn’t had time to tell him how much you wanted to kiss him but neither one of you was in the right state of mind for that. 

“Right, yeah, and did he say anything else?”

You winced at the memory of how his voice sounded. “He kept telling me to leave, so I just went for the door and said--”

          (Spencer POV)

“‘Goodnight, pretty boy,’” I grumbled, “That was the last thing she said.”

“Okay?”

“She never calls me Pretty Boy.” I told her the whole story. When I was done, her eyebrows were drawn together and lips were pressed together in a thin, worried line uttering, “Spence…”

“What?”

She sighed, saying nothing and smirking slightly to herself, but saying nothing.

“Jennifer.”

“She loves you, genius.”

“Then why’d she leave?”

“Because you told her to. And…” she hesitated, almost scared to say anything else. I was scared to hear it. JJ took my coffee away and dumped it down the sink, a silent indicator that I had enough and needed to go to bed.

She turned back to me and leaned over the table again, making sure I'd look her in the eyes, “She’d do anything for you.”

I just stared down on my hands on the table, unable to say another word, unable to defend myself, unable to fight anymore.

Because I knew she was right.

Taglist~~~

Lmk if you wanna be added! Some names didn’t work so if you don’t see your name as a tag just dm me a url and I’ll try to fix it

@lawnmoa​ @ellvswriting @baby-pogue​ @purelyprentiss​ @confused-and-really-hungry @thatsonezesty13​ @deni-gonzalez​ @irjuejjsaa @randomfandomshitposts​ @bisoner​ @moonstarrnghtsky​ @smurfflynn​ @eldahae​ @t0xicllama​ @undeniablyyou​ @staplernpaper​ @theweirdobella @sammypotato67 @k-k0129 @helloniallslovelies @dazzlingnights @uhuhuh​ @booksarekindaneat @crimeshowtrash @carlgrxmes @collectiveuniverses @annesauriol

[northcarolinanative]

𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐌𝐞

Requested by @maybebanks : K so y/n and jj have a little thing going as pogues and they always flirt, one day when they want to take their relationship to the next level and they are drunk, they are about to hook up and jj takes off her shirt, he sees loads of bruises and asks her how because he’s protective. She gets really defensive and denies anything. The next day at John b’s house y/n brings it up because he is really worried. Y/n lies again but jj has never looked more worried. They side with him and y/n storms away, she gets abused at home. The pogues corner her and force her to tell the truth, she does and they all hug?

A/N: I am sooo sorry that this took so long. I really wanted to do it justice and did not want to romanticize abuse in any way shape or form, because I see that too often. If you are going through anything like this at all or feel like the character, please, please, please, reach out to someone you feel that you can trust. The first step is the hardest, but in the long run will help so much. 

TW: Mentions of Abuse, Angst 

John B, Kie, and Pope all sat in the lounging beach chair that encircled the fire that we all had built behind the Chateau. I walked out carrying the next round of beer, but this time just bringing the whole case, pouring them into the ice cooler. I grabbed myself one, tossing one across the way to Kie. I stood up opening my own. 

“Mind bringing me, one princess” JJ called from the Hammock. I grabbed a second can from the cooler walking over before flicking water from my hands on to JJ. “That so not cool” 

I sat down on the opposite side of the Hammock. “If we’re getting wet now…” JJ said in a soft quiet voice, followed by a chuckle. His comment caused my cheeks to blush as I shot glare his way before looking around to see if any of the other pogues had heard his comment. JJ and I were in a weird place. We flirted like middle schoolers, one of us always going at it with the other and vice versa. I wondered how the other pogues could breathe with the amount of tension between the two of us sometimes. I was not in the place for a relationship of any kind. My parents liked to remind me of that often, that if I did not change how I acted or looked that boys wouldn’t take an interest in me. They were right, I had a lot of personal work to do. JJ flirts with everyone though, so I don’t take it too seriously. 

The night was filled with drinking games, chugging contests, and other events that lead to our very intoxicated state. Everyone was slumped over and slightly slurring their words. “Never have I ever…” John B looked up at the sky, trying to think. “Had sex outside, under the stars” Everyone was still. JJ slowly lifted the beer can and took a sip. 

“You kinky little bitch” Kie laughed along with the rest of us. I looked up at the stars, they felt like everything was rotating around me. I am the center of the universe. I am drunk. 

“Your turn Kie,” Pope told her. 

Reading the group she said “Never have I ever wanted to go to sleep right now” 

The group laughed in unison and we all began to sit up and gather things. JJ leaned over to where I was, now, sitting up in the hammock we were sharing. “I’m gonna stay out here, watch the fire die down, stay with me?” I nodded. 

“Of course. Don’t want our baby to get scared out here in the dark.” I laughed. The other three started their way back to the house, turning around and realizing that we had not followed. 

“Y’all coming inside or?” John B called 

“Gonna head in after the fire dies down dude” JJ called back. They all waved and JJ and I watched them go inside. Moments after the door shut JJ pulled me down into him. I flinched a little as he pulled me toward him, his hand directly on a bruise on my lower back. I quickly tried to play it off as a yawn, I thought he didn’t notice, but he did. 

His breath was warm on my skin before I felt his lips brush against mine. I was shocked at first. I was not sure where this came from. I moved back and kissed him back moving my hands into his hair. What was he doing? Hell, what was I doing? 

He pulled away and moved his lips to my neck briefly. “Why don’t we add having sex outside to your ‘never have I ever’ list?” JJ breathed into my ear making me giggle. We were still spinning and I went back to kissing him. It was spark after spark his hand found their way to my shirt slowly pushing it up and off behind me in the hammock. JJ slowly started kissing down my chest, slowly sucking on the skin. He let his eyes travel down. Then he saw it. His heart stopped and he sobered up quickly, His mind moving fast. 

“JJ?” I looked at him. “Why’d you-” I followed his eyes down to where he was looking. I saw the bruises on both of my sides, being illuminated by the dying fire. 

“Y/N?” JJ backed away a little looking back down. My buzz was still there but I was sobering up quickly. I tried to keep my hands from shaking. As they were still rested on JJ’s shoulders, I did not want to give myself away. The bruises had come from my father, he was not the best, he provided the things I needed, but if I did not do as he expected, that is how he relayed the message. This time it was because you had stayed out with the pogues too long. John B’s van had broken down, meaning you had a long wait to get home, and that was unacceptable.

“Who did this to you?” I felt JJ tense up as he asked the question. I felt bad for the lie that I was about to tell him, but he has his own problems to worry about, with his dad. I did not need the others worrying about me either. 

“JJ no one did this to me.” I laughed slightly, it didn’t sound convincing, but I hoped that it was enough for JJ. “I feel cleaning the boat the other day, it was a nasty fall, between the boat and the dock.” I looked at him trying to read his expression. He didn’t say anything just kept looking between my eyes and the bruises. “The fire is pretty much dead, let’s just go to bed” I stood up and grabbed my shirt turning to face away from him, I began to put my shirt on, and that’s when he saw the healing bruise on your back. He knew I had lied to him. 

“Y/N, where did the bruise on your back come from then?” JJ asked. I had completely forgotten about that one. 

“JJ you know I’m clumsy!” I fired back, my tone becoming defensive. JJ got up from the hammock.

“You know you can talk to me, about anything? 

“Just drop it okay? Nothings wrong, nothings going on, I’m fine!” I said, turning back toward the house. I walked inside to find Kie passed out on the left side of the pullout. I pulled the covers back and slipped into the right side. 

“Everything alright?” Kie mumbled sleepily. “I thought I heard you and JJ bickering?” 

“Haha nothing serious, Dude thinks he’s a better surfer than me.” Another lie. I hated it, but I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, I was fine. Kie nodded and rolled back over. I settled down in bed before I fell asleep. I heard JJ enter the back porch and rustle around some cans, I guessed he was sleeping on the couch out there tonight.  

-- 

JJ was woken up by John B moving about in the back yard cleaning up from the night before. He rubbed his eyes and stretched out a bit, the back couch was probably the least comfortable of the options in the house. He walked back out to John B, sitting in one of the chairs. He ran a hand through his hair, staring out over the water. “Everything okay JJ?”John B said, pulling JJ out of his thoughts. 

“Yea” He breathed. “Well not really, no,” he said standing up to help John B pick up the trash. 

“I heard you and Y/N out here last night, what was that about?” He questioned. 

“Dude I don’t know, but I’m worried.” He said John B looked at him confused. “We were…” JJ coughed and cleared his throat “Anyway, she had bruises, all over her stomach and her back. When I asked about it she said that they came from falling off the boat because she was clumsy” 

“Okay?” John B questioned, he did not want to believe what JJ was getting at. “Maybe she was telling the truth.” He asked

“No,” JJ said quickly. “You weren’t there, They were bad, some were healing already, it was not just like fall, They were bad John B.” He began to pace around the small circle. “Some’s hurting her JB. I have to figure out who it is, get her away from them.” He started to get angry, throwing the empty beer can harshing onto the ground. He thought about how sweet I was to him when he would come to after a bad run-in with his dad, or how I patch up all the boys after they got in it with one of the kooks, or even when I was there, letting Kie cry on your shoulder after her parents getting angry with her for not choosing the kook life. “She doesn’t deserve this” 

John B and JJ headed inside to find Pope scrounging through the food in the pantry, and Kie sitting up on her elbows. She exhaled smoke, but put a finger to her lips, pointing at me, still sleeping. JJ looked at me, his eyes soft, causing Kie and Pope to exchange a confused glance with one another. John B patted JJ’s shoulder “Lets help Pope make some grub, yea?” He said trying to pull JJ out of his thoughts.

I woke up to the sight of everyone in the kitchen laughing. I sat up looking at my friends. “Y’all started the fun without me?” I joked. I leaned against the headboard, pulling my knees up to my chest just to watch the four try and cook. This did not happen often, so I might as well savor it. 

“Look who’s finally up! Sleeping beauty!” Kie laughed. 

“Haha” I said rolling my eyes.”After last weeks party you were dead to the world till the next night” She glared at me playfully before laughing

“That is only half true” 

JJ began making his way beside me. The events of last night, the moments between the two of us. If the fire had only been slightly dimmer ,I would be experiencing something completely different, awkward feeling. He sat on the bed next to me, pulling me in closer by wrapping his arm around your shoulder. Pope and Kie looked at John B who just shrugged his shoulders and continued cracking eggs. The other pogues continued their work with breakfast. 

“I’m worried about you” JJ spoke softly, so only you could hear him. I quickly glanced over at the other busy pogues, before looking at JJ. His eyes were dark, he looked tired, and the worry looked evident on his face. 

“JJ, look” I whispered, running a hand through my hair and letting out a deep breath. “I told you I’m clumsy.” I looked him in the eye, but quickly looked down. “You have nothing to worry about.” 

He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. This caught the attention of the other pogues. “Look me in the eye and tell me. Look me in the eye and tell me not to worry.” JJ said in a normal voice. Everyone was looking at us now. My face turned red and tears started to form in my eyes. Everyone was looking at me. I had lied to all of them. I froze looking between JJ and the group. 

“Tell him not to worry about what Y/N” Pope spoke slowly. 

“Nothing! Do not worry about me!” I said firmly. I got up quickly feeling the hot tears begin to fall down my face as I quickly walked out the back door of the Chateau. I walked into the yard seeing the hammock that JJ and I had laid in the night before and I stopped. 

“Y/N! Wait” I heard JJ yell and he came up behind me. He followed my eyes to the hammock. “I know what I saw Y/N. I just want to help” 

I felt the sobs trying to fight their way out. I did not want to lie to my friends anymore. I did not want them to see me differently, how I see myself, but especially how my parents see me. JJ noticed me crying. “You can trust us Y/N” 

“You wanna know where the bruises came from JJ?” I breathed out, a breath I realized I was holding in.  “My parents JJ, that’s who. I’m not the daughter they expected okay?” I finally felt the sobs leaving my throat as I fell to my knees crying. I held my face in my hands. JJ was quick to run beside me rubbing my back. 

“Oh Princess. You don’t deserve this. Believe me you do not deserve this.” He felt a tear of his own leave his eye before quickly wiping it away. The others were standing on the porch. When I calmed down, my breathing had started to even out, JJ asked if I wanted to go back inside to join the others, who left to give us some privacy. 

When we walked in Kie was the first to practically tackle me in a hug, then JJ, John B, and finally Pope. I felt loved in that moment, like I always did when I was surrounded by the pogues. When they all pulled away Kie put both hands on either of my shoulders. “Never hesitate to reach out to one of us for help, or even to talk, we’re here for you, just as much as you are here for us, ok?” 

“Ok.” I sigh before pulling her back into a hug. She walked back into the kitchen. JJ pulled on my arm, sitting me down next to him. He wrapped his hand in mine, before placing a kick kiss to it. 

“I didn't mean to pry like that. I just want you to be safe Y/N” I leaned my head on his shoulder. 

“I know J. I'm sorry for lying to you. In a weird way, it feels better to have it out there.”

“We’re gonna help you get to a better place” He spoke softly before placing a kiss to my forehead.

[sssrha]

WangXian wouldn’t have been very functional pre-Wei Wuxian’s resurrection

So I was talking to @litescheme on Twitter and I decided to pour my heart out about how I hated the general fandom consensus that Wei Wuxian going to Gusu when Lan Wangji asked him to would have solved all of his problems, primarily because the idea of just straight up going to Gusu is incredibly flawed. Lo and behold, they agreed wholeheartedly. We had a great discussion and now I’m here to relay the discussion onto Tumblr in essay form uwu.

(By the way, this is based mostly on CQL with a good bit of novel added in, as well as a few hints of the donghua.)

Part One: “Come back to Gusu!” is a great romantic notion but a terrible plan of action.

First of all, one must ask the question: what on Earth was Lan Wangji’s game plan with the whole “Come back to Gusu!” thing? I think we can all agree that most of the Lan Sect hated Wei Wuxian - by the end, at least. Lan Xichen certainly had less than charitable feelings toward him. With such a hostile environment, the only way I can see Wei Wuxian surviving within the Sect is while being forced into a Madam Lan-type situation. I find that prospect more reminiscent of a horror movie than a heartwarming fic about healing.

Luckily for us, we can safely say that canon Lan Wangji would not have done that! Due to certain childhood trauma, Lan Wangji definitely would not have forced Wei Wuxian to do anything, go anywhere, or stay anywhere that he didn’t want to. That isn’t even touching on how much Lan Wangji genuinely wanted Wei Wuxian to be happy, and forcing Wei Wuxian to do anything had generally been proven to not make him happy. Good on him!

The next point: why would Wei Wuxian have gone to Gusu in the first place? Even while ignoring WangXian’s rampant misunderstandings, Wei Wuxian always actively had a reason to not go to Gusu. During the Sunshot Campaign, he was a major player and commanded a huge amount of power that probably aided the Sects greatly. During his stay in the Burial Mounds, he had a community of war prisoners to protect. How could he go to Gusu?

I’ve seen fics where Lan Wangji ensured the safety of the Wen Remnants, and while I absolutely adore the trope, I really don’t see that happening with canon Lan Wangji. First, I don’t think he’d grown as a person enough to fully rebel against his Sect until Wei Wuxian was in immediate danger, and second, I straight up don’t think that he had the sway to. Pulling that kind of stunt implies a good deal of political power within the Sect...and also implies that Lan Wangji would have had enough power to escape a punishment which he clearly never thought he deserved. However, I could be wrong on this point! Politics has never been my forte. 

Also, I don’t think anyone can bank on the Lan Sect accepting the Wen Remnants. After all, the Lan Sect participated in the First Siege of the Burial Mounds and thus, presumably, also the slaughter of the Wen Remnants.

Upon further reflection, I figured that the only time Wei Wuxian might have actually gone to Gusu was that brief period of time after the Sunshot Campaign and before he met Wen Qing. However, for him to agree, I figured that three things had to happen:

Wei Wuxian had to understand that Lan Wangji wanted to help him, not hurt him.

Wei Wuxian had to come to the (false!) conclusion that Jiang Cheng no longer needed his help or support at Lotus Pier.

Wei Wuxian had to accept that he was worth saving in the first place.

(The concept came pre-set with some delicious Yunmeng Bros angst because Jiang Cheng would almost certainly take Wei Wuxian (permanently) going to Gusu the same way he took Wei Wuxian taking the Wen Remnants to the Burial Mounds: a betrayal, a promise broken. Emotionally, of course. There definitely wouldn’t have been political pressure closing in from all sides the way there was in canon.)

I was going to expand on that concept, but then I hit a bit of a hurdle: I genuinely did not, and still do not, see any reason for Wei Wuxian to actually go to Gusu. At that point, Wei Wuxian was doing everything he felt he needed to: he protected Jiang Cheng because Madam Yu told him to (and because he genuinely cared for him, but Madam Yu’s command was his driving force) and he only left Jiang Cheng when Wen Qing - someone he perceived himself owing a greater debt to due to the golden core removal - came along. When looking at it from that regard, I don’t think Wei Wuxian would ever see a reason to go to Gusu.

So, even after clearing up the miscommunication, Lan Wangji would have to present a good reason for Wei Wuxian to listen to him. 

I don’t think Lan Wangji going up to Wei Wuxian and saying, “Please come back to Gusu, I want to protect you,” would have worked. Considering how prideful Wei Wuxian was back then - with a good bit of it justified when you consider the fact that he killed a large amount of people in a single night during the Pledge Conference (though the exact number is never actually confirmed as far as I remember) - I don’t see Wei Wuxian taking the implication that he needs protection very well. No matter how many good intentions Lan Wangji had, he would have ended up offending Wei Wuxian at that point.

Another route Lan Wangji could have taken: “Please come back to Gusu, I want to play Cleansing for you.” Again, I don’t think this would have worked. (At least, that was definitely his stance in CQL and Wei Wuxian still didn’t do anything.) In Chapter 78, Wei Wuxian mentioned that the Sound of Lucidity had no effect on him. The Sound of Lucidity is, presumably, one of the Song(s) of Clarity, of which Cleansing is the most powerful. Lan Wangji used the Sound of Lucidity at the Pledge Conference after the battle had started. I don’t exactly know why he didn’t use Cleansing when it was more powerful... Either way, after he played the Sound of Lucidity, Wei Wuxian said, “You should’ve known since long ago—Sound of Lucidity is useless to me!” Thus, Lan Wangji asking him to go to Gusu so he could play Cleansing probably wouldn’t have seemed like an especially compelling reason to Wei Wuxian.

After some thought, I figured that post-resurrection, Wei Wuxian agreed to stay with Lan Wangji in the Cloud Recesses after the mystery was solved because:

He was not as prideful as pre-death Wei Wuxian.

He saw no reason to go back to Lotus Pier since Jiang Cheng made it very clear that he was unhappy with him.

He managed to process and confess his feeling to Lan Wangji, who did the same.

Pre-death Wei Wuxian has none of this. Basically, Wei Wuxian at that point had no reason to go to Gusu for anything other than a short visit.

Now, I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but this entire time I’ve been ignoring not only the reality that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji’s relationship pre-death was...very bad, but also something else very important: the Stygian Tiger Seal. 

The Stygian Tiger Seal was, of course, stupidly powerful, and Wei Wuxian only kept it because it would take too much time and energy to destroy, and it was meant to deter anyone from attacking him since he already knew that so many people were against him. One of his main fears was someone else - someone with impure motives - getting their hands on it, so of course he was paranoid wondering who would try to steal it from him. Lan Wangji asking him to go to a place where Wei Wuxian would be surrounded by people who hated his form of cultivation? Yeah, that didn’t sound that great. 

(Also, can we please take a moment to appreciate this excerpt from the novel: “The Stygian Tiger Seal’s powers were considerably greater than what he had imagined. He originally wanted to use it to assist him, but its powers were almost exceeding him, its creator” (Chapter 30). Almost. He said the Seal was not as powerful as him! The Stygian Tiger Seal was, indeed, strong, but he was more so! I see a lot of fanfics paint the Stygian Tiger Seal as what made him so terrifying and...it was certainly a part of it, but he did most of it on his own! Ah, we love terrifying main characters~)

Now, I’ve acknowledged the existence of WangXian’s miscommunication, but I’ve never actually addressed it. So, here it is: I do not think Lan Wangji confessing to Wei Wuxian (even before his stint in the Burial Mounds after the Bloodbath at Nevernight) would have gone well. In Chapter 2, there is this excerpt: “Wei WuXian’s eyebrows twitched. Not only a lunatic, a homosexual lunatic as well.” This requires a bit of interpretation because it’s not exactly clear what Wei Wuxian’s eyebrow twitch means, but I’ve always interpreted it as annoyance - or even disgust - at the addition of “homosexual” to Mo Xuanyu’s profile. I’m not saying that Wei Wuxian was necessarily homophobic before the entire events of the novel, but I sincerely don’t think Wei Wuxian would have appreciated Lan Wangji - or any other man, for that matter - confessing to him. If even (immediate) post-resurrection Wei Wuxian had that attitude, I can imagine what would have gone through pre-death Wei Wuxian’s head. 

So, Sunshot Campaign, post-Sunshot Campaign, and Yiling Patriarch Wei Wuxian would all definitely not go back to Gusu, nor would they appreciate a confession from Lan Wangji. That leaves the question: what about pre-Sunshot Campaign Wei Wuxian?

Part Two: Why I really don’t think WangXian would have worked out pre-Sunshot Campaign.

From here on out, “Wei Ying, come back to Gusu!” is no longer relevant because, well, Lan Wangji never said it before the meeting in the supervisory office. (And I think I’ve made my point regarding that as well as I could.)

Starting with Cloud Recesses-era Wei Wuxian...I think that, out of all the different versions of Wei Wuxian, he would have been the one of the two most-likely to get together with Lan Wangji (pre-resurrection, of course). Even then, I don’t see that high a likelihood of that actually happening. Why? Repression! Fuck both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were so deeply repressed at that point! Lan Wangji was obviously more aware of his feelings, and Wei Wuxian...I don’t know, I haven’t read the novel far enough to actually have this be a legitimate interpretation, but looking at CQL, I don’t really think Wei Wuxian was in love with Lan Wangji at that point (but I don’t have much evidence to back that up other than my a-spec radar...).

And even if they did somehow manage to overcome their repression - and actually both had feelings for each other in the first place - they were still teenagers! Fifteen at the beginning, I’m pretty sure, and fifteen-year-olds are decidedly bad at maintaining any sort of relationship. That doesn’t even touch on the fact that WangXian was probably legitimately incompatible at that point. Lan Wangji still lived and breathed the rules and Wei Wuxian didn’t give a fuck about them. To maintain any sort of long-term relationship, they’d have to simultaneously undergo a whole novel of character development...which is doable! But! I don’t exactly see it as plausible.

Then, of course, Wei Wuxian got kicked out of the Cloud Recesses and WangXian didn’t see each other until two years later, at the Discussion Conference in Qishan. I don’t really see long-distance relationships working out very well in ancient China, so I can’t imagine them properly maintaining their relationship throughout that. And, of course, Lan Wangji’s rage after Wei Wuxian pulls his forehead ribbon was also due to his repression. Considering how short the Discussion Conference seemed to be, I don’t think there was much room for a relationship to develop. 

At the Indoctrination Camp, Lan Wangji had a whole swarm of things to worry about other than his (frankly painful) pining for Wei Wuxian so, again, I don’t see a romantic relationship developing at that point in time. 

A time-frame that I think can be uniquely isolated as a very possible place to develop their relationship would be while they were trapped in the cave with the Tortoise of Slaughter. Mostly before they killed the beast, though, since afterward, Wei Wuxian had too much of a fever for any romantic shenaniganry. My reasoning is that the cave was the first time since Wei Wuxian’s punishment in the Cloud Recesses that the two of them were forced to spend a long stretch of time together, and thus could potentially open up to each other. I remember in the anime that Lan Wangji sheds a few tears as he mentions that the Cloud Recesses had burned, that his brother was missing, and that his father was...dead? Severely injured? One of those two. He was back in business-mode pretty soon afterward, but if Lan Wangji could have been persuaded to open up a bit more by an persistent and concerned Wei Wuxian, I can see a slow confession being teased out of him - there was certainly enough time!

Then again, them getting together would only happen if Wei Wuxian were both comfortable with the idea of gay men and willing to accept that he was, in fact, attracted to Lan Wangji, and if Lan Wangji were willing to let go of the rules enough to be comfortable with Wei Wuxian’s naturally rebellious nature.

After that, WangXian doesn’t meet again until the supervisory office, and I’ve already talked about all of that.

In conclusion, “Come back to Gusu!” was sweet but misguided and WangXian wouldn’t have effectively happened pre-resurrection.

Now, what does that mean for you? ...Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. This doesn’t mean I’m forsaking all fics where WangXian gets together pre-resurrection (in fact, I absolutely love them!) and I’m definitely not trying to say that my interpretation is the only right one. I’m not trying to police what everyone thinks and decree that all fics where Wei Wuxian is open about liking men are wrong or any crap like that. Those fics are great and I love them! These are my (and @litescheme’s) thoughts on the matter that I (we) wanted to spill out into the greater world! You can agree, you can disagree, you can ignore me (us) entirely! But if you read through this meta, then I’m assuming that you found the concept interesting. That is all I was going for!

(Well, that and trying to thoroughly debunk the notion that Yiling Patriarch Wei Wuxian getting shoved into seclusion in the Jingshi by an apologetic Lan Wangji would be in any way “healing” or even “good” for Wei Wuxian, because honestly? Fuck that.)

Ahh, thanks for reading!

[littlelovelyspiderling]

Unmasked

Spider-Man is forced to fight the Sinister Six while he’s sick, which leads to his enemies making unexpected discoveries about their arch nemesis.

Chapter 2

Doc Oc’s notoriously dull and empty lab was filled with bodies and excitement that evening. The Sinister Six piled eagerly into the large room as Octavius dumped a bloody, unconscious Spider-Man onto one of the examination tables. An uproar of cheers and laughter followed.

“The spider is finally squashed!”

“Is he still alive? No way he’s still alive.”

“Heart’s still beating, according to the computer.”

“Who cares? The little bitch finally got what was coming to him.”

“I wanna break his other leg. Can I break his other leg?”

“Now, now, listen, my comrades.” Octavius rose above the group on his metal limbs, tapping a glass against a bottle of champagne until the room fell quiet. “Before we continue, I think a win this spectacular deserves to be celebrated accordingly.”

Using the prehensile pincers at the ends of each tentacle, Otto poured and distributed the alcohol with ease, and everyone raised their glasses.

 “A toast to us, the greatest super villains to ever grace history!”

“Here, here!”

“And a toast to Spider-Man! The biggest, most obnoxious pain in all our asses—vanquished at last!”

Laughs and shouts preceded the communion. After downing his drink, Otto wiped his lips with a grin. 

“And as the leader of this great and glorious team, I am nothing if not giving to my loyal followers. Since you all deserve personal retribution for the many, many grievances this wretch has inflicted upon us, I promise each of you at least two minutes of reparation time to do to Spider-Man whatever you feel he deserves. Once we wring his throat dry of whatever information he possesses, he’s all yours. So long as I get to deal the final blow.” He chuckled. “Well, if he survives that long, anyway.”

“I’ll snap off all his fingers!”

“I’ll gag him with his own webbing!”

“I’ll pop his head like a grape!”

“I’ll zap him ’til his heart stops, then zap it back to life, then zap him dead again!”

“Revenge is sweet,” Octavius concurred, walking around the table to stand behind Spider-Man’s head. The rest of the Sinister Six went silent and gathered on either side of the fallen hero, with Rhino at his feet. “But first,” Doc continued, reaching forward with one of his mechanical tentacles. The tips of the metal prongs pinched the fabric at the top of Spider-Man’s mask.

“Let’s have a look at our arch enemy’s face.”

In one quick yank, the mask peeled off the hero’s head. Six pairs of eyes absorbed the bruised, pale face lying lifelessly before them—the face of their sworn nemesis. A face none of them were anticipating. Gradually, the grins and snickers faded away, replaced by furrowed brows and puzzled glances.

“Wait…” Electro said, breaking the long stretch of silence.

“I’m…confused,” Scorpion added.

“Is he—does he look—?”

“Like…a kid?”

Everyone’s gazes rose to Octavius. The brilliant scientist looked between them and Spider-Man bewilderedly, his mouth hanging agape.

“I…” he began, rolling the hero’s head to the side. An ugly gash marred his left cheek; dried blood was smeared all the way to his hairline. “I don’t…understand.”

Spider-Man had the soft, innocent face of a child. It was the kind of face grandmas couldn’t resist pinching and puppies just had to lick. His hair was a wild mess of brown curls that was sticking up all funny because of how long he’d been wearing his mask. He severely lacked the sharp, signature features that defined man from boy. Hell, he even had acne: tiny constellations of it dotted across his chin and forehead. No way was he considered a legal adult by the state of New York yet.

Spider-Man was no man at all. Spider-Man was, in fact, a Spider-Kid.

Otto lifted his eyes to the others. He didn’t know what to say.

“It’s not him,” Scorpion suggested.

Sandman scoffed. “What do you mean, ‘it’s not him’?”

“Maybe this isn’t Spider-Man,” he said. “Maybe the real Spider-Man sent a double. Someone to stand in his place while he’s busy or whatever to keep us at bay.”

“Spider-Man’s despicable if he’s sending some kid to fight his battles for him. Doesn’t sound like his style.”

“I don’t know! I’m just brainstorming here! I mean, you saw how pathetic he was today. Spider-Man normally puts up a better fight than that.”

“Yeah,” Electro said nervously. “Maybe it’s not him.”

“He was sticking to things and shooting webs and mouthing off just like the real Spider-Man always does,” Shocker retorted. “I’m pretty sure this is him.”

“Silence!” Octavius shouted, holding up his fist. He turned to the large screen on his right. “Computer, run biological and forensic diagnostics on Spider-Man.”

A series of beams and lasers scanned across the hero, gathering and analyzing information. About a minute later, a robotic voice spoke up.

“Facial and DNA match confirmed,” the A.I. replied. “Subject is Peter Benjamin Parker. Born to parents Richard and Mary Parker on August 10th, 2001. Age: fifteen. Address: 42-42 80th St, Queens, NY 11373. Current occupation: Intern at Stark Industries and sophomore high school student at Midtown School of Science and Technology.”

Stinging disbelief pricked all of them. Rhino’s jaw fell.

“Fifteen?”

“Sophomore?”

“High school?”

It was strange to finally be able to put a name and face to someone they had all known only as a masked caricature for so long. Peter Parker. Peter. And yet, the face still had everyone reeling to the point that the name hardly registered. Otto slammed a metal arm against the table.

“Shut up, all of you!” he spat. “Computer, relay back all the biological data you’ve gathered on Spider-Man.”

“Confirmed,” the A.I. said. “Subject’s current heart rate is 52 bpm. Subject’s current blood pressure is the 79mmHg. Subject’s current temperature is 105.8 degrees Fahrenheit.”

“None of those sound normal,” Sandman said with a snort.

“Relay DNA findings,” Doc Oc barked impatiently.

“Confirmed. Subject’s DNA is mutated and abnormal. Subject’s blood emits low levels of gamma radiation. Subject’s genome is human combined with an unidentifiable species of arachnid.”

Everyone’s eyes snapped up at once. The realization drizzled over them like baleful mist.

“Oh my god,” Sandman breathed. “It’s him.”

“You mean he’s actually part spider? Gag!”

With a scoff, Electro stepped away from the table, cupping his hands against the back of his neck. “You’re kidding me. You’re shitting me. You’re telling me this is the person I’ve been trying to kill this whole time? This is the guy I’ve been frying like a mozzarella stick?” He kicked a trash bin across the room. “Dammit! I do a lot of bad things, but I’d never knowingly hurt a child!”

“Spider-Man is just some fifteen-year-old high school brat?” Rhino said, pouting his lip. “Geez. I can’t believe we just beat the shit out of some kid.”

“Spider-Man is not just some kid!” Otto roared. “Who cares about his age! Have you all suddenly forgotten how much this bastard has antagonized every last one of us? How he’s foiled our plans and ruined our lives again and again for the past two years?”

Sandman pressed the heels of his hands to his temples. “Oh my god. Does that mean I’ve been beating him up since he was fourteen? My niece is three years older than him, and I can’t imagine putting her through what I’ve done to him!” He squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head. “What kind of monster am I...?”

“I broke his damn leg,” Shocker said distraughtly. “And I enjoyed it.”

“Hell, guys…this is so messed up…”

Five members of the Sinister Six stewed in a sauna of shame and guilt. Octavius refused to join them.

“You spineless morons! All of you! Our enemy lays defeated in front of us, yet you choose to wallow in remorse! We should be celebrating! Nothing has changed! He’s young—so what? That doesn’t undermine all the frustration he’s caused us, or our glorious victory over him! Come on, now! Raise your glasses with me! To the Sinister Six! Guys...?”

Nothing he said could wipe the queasy looks off all their faces, or the guilty stickiness he felt in his own gut. Everything—all of this—it just felt wrong.

Sandman stood over Spider-Man and gingerly placed his hand against his forehead. It was startlingly hot and damp with sweat. “Computer, why is Spider-Man’s temperature so damn high? What’s the cause?”

A couple seconds later, the A.I. pinged. “Confirmed,” it said. “Subject has a norovirus infection. It appears subject has been infected for at least twenty-four hours. Norovirus is commonly diagnosed as gastroenteritis or the stomach flu. Symptoms include fever, cramps, dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea.”

A groan swept through the room. Scorpion crossed his arms against the table and buried his head between them.

“He’s sick. That’s why he seemed so sluggish and off during the fight. Because we were beating up a sick kid.”

“Shit. Last time I had the stomach flu, I didn’t leave my bed for two days. He really thought he could take us on in his condition?”

“Not like we really gave him a choice,” Shocker murmured.

“The little punk probably didn’t even think twice about it,” Sandman said miserably. “After all, his dumbass adolescent brain is still developing.”

Rhino sulked. “Yeah, as long as we didn’t permanently damage it...”

The Sinister Six fell into a dreadful silence.  

At that moment, Spider-Man coughed. The group jumped and gasped, automatically assuming defensive positions with their fists raised, weapons drawn, and muscles coiled.

Spider-Man coughed again, his head lolling to the left, but he didn’t wake up. A collective sigh passed everyone’s lips. Electro went lax, his hands falling to his sides.

“So…um…what the hell do we do now?”

Scorpion frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

“Like, what do we do? We have him here, beat to a pulp. What are we going to do with him?”

For the first time, Spider-Man was at the complete mercy of his most powerful enemies. And for the first time, none of them wanted to chop off his head and impale it on a spike. 

Sandman gazed across the bruises on his face, the road burn striped across his limbs, the bloody puncture wound in his chest. His swollen leg, his black eye, the charred fabric and flesh. He hadn’t allowed himself to take all the damage in for what it was until now. A truly abominable and grisly sight.

“He won’t survive long if we just leave him like this,” he said quietly.

Again, all eyes rose to Dr. Octopus. Otto grimaced between their pitiful looks, their reluctantly pleading stares. Pathetic! he wanted to shout, but he couldn’t find the will to conjure the word—any words.

Soon enough, he felt his own callous facade melting away. He sighed.

“I…I suppose keeping him alive is in our best interest. For now.” He cleared his throat and pulled the goggles off his face. “I’ll clean and treat his injuries as best I can. At least to the point that they’re not life-threatening.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Go—get some rest, all of you. We’ll, uh—we’ll regroup in the morning.”

The Sinister Six exchanged nervous looks with each other, then turned back to the face of the half-dead fifteen-year-old in front of them. Hesitantly, they filed out of the room and up the stairs, shooting a couple anxious glances over their shoulders before climbing out of sight.

The room was eerily quiet now that it was just the two of them. An evil scientist and an unconscious super-child in spandex. The only noises were the beeps from the monitor on his right and the kid’s shaky, labored breathing.

“You’re really something, you know that?” Octavius scoffed. “Of course, now that we’ve finally bested you, this is what we end up with. This is what you are.”

With a thought, the claws at the end of one of his tentacles reconfigured into large shears. The material that made up Spider-Man’s suit was tough, but with a few strategic cuts and snips, Doc was able to tear through and peel the clingy fabric off his body. Now that he was stripped down to nothing but his boxers (which had tiny cartoon Iron Men on them, a sight that made him snort, despite his efforts not to) the devastating harm they’d inflicted upon him was painfully evident. The ratio of undamaged flesh to damaged flesh was sickeningly skewed toward the latter. There was so much to tend to, he wasn’t sure where to start. And it wasn’t like his doctorate had been in medical care.

“We really did a number on you, didn’t we Spider-Man?” Otto murmured. He looked back at the screen. “I mean…Peter. Peter Parker.”

The name felt salty on his tongue. He didn’t like how it humanized him, transforming the famous vigilante from vexing public figure to baby-faced teenager. He’d always dreamt of unmasking the scourge that was the elusive Spider-Man. Now he wished the day had never come.

He left Peter’s side to grab the medical kit from under the sink. Then he got to work, undoing the damage they had reaped.

___________________________________

“Computer, summarize what you’ve gathered on Peter Parker’s personal life.”

Roughly four hours later, Octavius flopped into a chair by the kid’s side, exhausted. He had treated all the wounds he had the capacity to treat, hooked him to an I.V. full of fluids and electrolytes, and was now monitoring his steadily improving vitals. The kid was a suture-filled, burn cream-lathered, bandaged-up mess, but at least he was on the mend instead of his death bed. Seemed like a good time to take a break and do some research on the person behind their friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

“Confirmed,” the A.I. responded. “Compiling personal file.”

A slide with pictures and lists regarding Peter’s life materialized on the screen.

“Peter Parker was born in Queens, New York and still lives there today. He lived in a house in Forest Hills until 2005, then moved into the apartment complex he currently lives in now.”

“A house in New York City?” Otto scoffed. “How lavish. Why the downsize?”

The A.I. enlarged a photograph—a man and a woman holding a bright-eyed, squishy-faced toddler sporting a familiar headful of brown curls.

“Peter’s biological parents, Mary and Richard Parker, died in a plane crash in March of that year.”

A knot formed in Otto’s gut as he stared at the happy family portrait. “Oh,” he said.

“Orphaned at age four, Peter was then adopted by his aunt and uncle, May and Ben Parker. They couldn’t afford to live in the house in Forest Hills, so they moved Peter into their apartment nearby.”

Another picture floated up, this one of a different couple hugging a slightly older version of the curly-haired toddler. After that, a series of images flashed across the screen—young Peter at Central Park, at a science fair, at the zoo, at home, on the subway, on the Brooklyn Bridge, passed out on a couch. With each new picture, he got bigger, older, but not by much. Sometimes his aunt and uncle were with him. Sometimes he was with others his age. Sometimes he had on glasses as thick as windshields. His smile was wide as the sun and just as bright.

In the last picture, he was standing next to Tony Stark, holding an upside-down certificate congratulating him on his acceptance as a Stark Industry’s intern.

“Barf,” Otto muttered, but he couldn’t displace the warm, uneasy feeling he got when he looked at Peter’s smiling face. He really was just a kid. A young, dorky, stupid kid. A kid they’d beat into the dirt ten times over.

“Last year, May Parker became Peter’s sole guardian.”

Octavius blinked, his shoulders tensing. “What happened to the uncle? Ben Parker?”

“Ben Parker was murdered last April by an unknown shooter. The culprit was never caught.”

Octavius swallowed, staring at the photograph of Spider-Man’s uncle. Then he turned back to the mummified teenager on the table beside him. For an instant, something he never thought he could feel for the spider-themed superhero brushed his heart. 

Sympathy.

With a huff, Otto stood from his chair. “Come along then, arachnid,” he said, lifting the kid and the I.V. stand in his metal arms. “Let’s find you a more comfortable spot to rest.”

It was well past 4am by the time Octavius slumped into his own bed.

[agustdef]

XX

Pairing: Johnny Suh x Reader x Min Yoongi

Genre: Angst; Fluff; Friends to Lovers; Coworkers to Lovers

Word Count: 16.1K

Warning: Language; Past Infidelity (not by anyone in the pairing); Mild mention of not great mental health; Implied Smut at the end. 

Rating: PG15

My Weird and Mildly Chaotic Banner Maker: @dee-ehn​

My Lovely Dweeb Beta Reader: @guktro​

A/N: This fic was crafted for the DramaVers collab hosted by the ever so lovely (never tell her I called her that) @namluve​. My fic is based off the K-Drama/Web Drama, XX, which you can watch here if you feel so inclined. Would recommend. (Psst... it’s only 5 episodes all under an hour long.)

Summary: When you work your whole life to reach your dreams of owning a bar you hope that having that dream ripped from under you without notice isn’t a part of life’s plan. And you definitely don’t imagine that it comes with suddenly being business partners with your ex-best friend. But life doesn’t work in the way we want it. At the end of the day you try to focus on the things that make life better, until the two men in your life who hold your heart (something you didn’t think possible) meet and hit if off so well that you’re sure your life is moments from collapsing completely.

The entire time Hyuk spoke YN sat there feeling like she couldn’t process his words. She heard all of it and took it in, but she was stuck on what he’d said when she’d walked into their bar to do inventory on the one day they were closed. Hyuk wasn’t supposed to be there, so it shocked her to see him pacing about but then he blurted something out and she’d never had the chance to exit her shocked state.

“YN, did you hear me?” he asked.

She wasn’t completely pulled from the surreal feeling she experienced, but enough of her became present enough to look at him and nod. Of course, she wanted to retreat into thoughts that said it was all a dream when she saw the pity in his eyes.

“I really am sorry, YN. I had to sell it and I know I said I’d give you a heads up if I ever wanted or needed to give my share up, but it couldn’t be helped. It was the only way to get my father to give into appointing me a position on his board before he found someone else. But I found someone who's done well with other bars and she’s just trying to expand her portfolio, so I’m sure she’ll sell you her half when all is said and done,” Hyuk reassured.

None of his words helped her feel good about it though, if anything she felt worse after hearing him. It became more real as he explained things to her for the third time that night. Her dream of the bar being hers had been so close, she’d almost had all the money to buy him out and it all came crashing down.

To think her phone calendar had a day three months in the future as the day she’d succeed. For a moment all she could think about was deleting it, so instead of responding she pulled out her phone and did just that.

“What are you-” he started, until he noticed what she did.

“YN, I-”

Her standing abruptly was what cut him off the next time; plus startled him to the point where he almost slid from his bar stool. His klutzy actions usually brought her some joy no matter how brief, but nothing in her could muster up any positive emotions.

After she took a deep breath she stared at him with a neutral expression and spoke. “You can put everything I need to know in the office for me to check in the morning. Anything else can be sent to me via email. That includes the new co-owners contact information so that I can set up a meeting with them so we can discuss things. If I need something you didn’t give I will contact you. I hope everything works out just the way you want it, Hyuk. I’m leaving now, lock up behind yourself and mail me the keys.”

With that she turned on her heel and walked out of the door, she needed to put some distance between her and him. As well as her and the bar. Not even Hyuk calling out for her stopped her from leaving, nothing he had to say was something she needed to hear. At least not while her world crumbled before her eyes.

From there she went home. The process was a blur as she relied on muscle memory to get her on public transportation and then walk the rest of the way. By the time she came to she was inside and knocking on the door to her roommate’s bedroom.

“YN, I thought you wouldn’t be back until three,” Johnny said as he opened the door, voice laced with sleep.

However, his inquiry seemed to no longer matter as he took YN in. She’d stopped holding it all in and her body slouched, shaking slightly as the tears poured down her face. Every second or so she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out until the sob finally released itself.

Johnny had her in his arms instantly. Not a word was uttered as he used one hand to press her face close to his chest and the other to rub slow circles into her back. And even when she calmed enough to speak, he merely shushed her and pulled her into his room. She wasn’t allowed to say a word until she was dressed in one of his too big t-shirts and they were cuddled in his bed.

She appreciated it too, because even though she’d been ready to talk her mind needed time to collect itself before she blurted out nonsense.

“Hyuk sold his share of the bar to someone else. Needed to let it go for his dad to give him some position at his company or some shit,” she whispered.

She felt Johnny’s body stiffen as she finished and then felt him take several deep breaths as she felt his heart speed up. He wasn’t a person quick to anger, but in certain situations he just couldn’t stop how quickly it came to head. Especially when he was proven right in a way he wished he wasn’t.

Minutes ticked by as he did his deep breathing and YN expected him to blow up or point out how he’d warned her, but nothing came.

“No, I told you so?” she asked.

That got a laugh out of him, though it was bitter.

“You know I won’t. This isn’t like when you bust your ass trying to get down from a table while drunk. This is your dreams being tampered with by a prick who couldn’t even show his dad he was responsible by co-owning a successful bar, but still managed to get what he wanted at your expense.”

Displeasure coated his every word and though it should’ve made her sad to think of her former co-owner and his shitty behavior she couldn’t help but laugh. It was because as he spoke she remembered all the times Johnny had snubbed or called the man out on his bare minimum rich kid behavior to his face. Johnny had never liked him and it was always clear to everyone, so he never missed a chance to be petty.

Sadly, that amusement went as quick as it came.

YN sighed. “Well, it is what it is now. Can’t change what’s already done. At least he said they only want to own it temporarily to pad their portfolio or some shit.”

In an instant, Johnny pulled back and looked at her with wide eyes.

“So, there’s still a chance?”

Though the hope in his voice boosted hers, she couldn’t get herself to give in. So instead of being as enthusiastic, she nodded.

Johnny’s eyes narrowed at that. “I will allow your non-excitement to slide because you are in shock and hurt, but you’re not going to go back to thinking this is a pipe dream. You can and will get the bar all to yourself. And let’s not forget you’re close to saving enough to start your own elsewhere if it falls through. And before you say it, I know this is your dream place in your dream location, but remember you had another dream location before this.”

Naturally, her best friend didn’t even allow her to voice her negative thoughts, something she was grateful for in that moment. She’d had a rant about how she should give up and all kinds of downer nonsense ready to spill out before he’d called her on her bullshit.

Another sigh escaped her and she nodded before laying her head on his chest again.

“Are you opening today?” she asked.

“No. After the bridal party, who wanted to drink and make perfume all night, I needed a break. And because they went well over their time I got paid double so I could miss three days and still not feel the loss.”

“Then can we stay in bed all day?” she asked.

“Sure, we can order something and watch TV. But can we sleep first, you woke me up too early,” he whined.

It was noon.

YN shrugged. “Fine with me, but I need to go get a bon-”

Before she could finish that sentence a dark purple bonnet was shoved in her face and she barely grabbed it before a thought came to her.

“You did steal it!”

“No, you left it in here after you took down your braids that one day. I found it somewhere in my dirty laundry. I for one don’t need a bonnet and for two, after the time I borrowed your SPF lotion and you nearly murdered me I learned my lesson,” Johnny said.

“You almost made me go outside ashy. My skin was being uneven with its six shades of brown instead of one, I didn’t need it to be dry too.”

He rolled his eyes at that but adjusted them a little so he could press a kiss to her forehead and then got comfortable.

“Yes, yes I know. Now put it on and go to sleep,” he said.

Part of her wanted to say something more, but she simply slid the bonnet over her hair, which was twisted, and laid down.

As her eyes closed her brain drifted to the horror of her morning, but she fought it off and tried to focus on the positive. Johnny was right; she had options, which didn’t leave her at a complete loss no matter how things went and that was a good thing.

Plus, she had Johnny by her side, even if it wasn’t always in the way she wanted. That thought brought a twinge to her heart, but she cuddled closer and reminded herself that moments like that were enough.

“He just dropped it all on you at once? I knew he was a self-centered prick, but damn,” Yoongi commented.

YN had relayed what happened to her main bartender when they’d both come in to prep the bar before it opened. She planned to keep it from him until she met her new co-owner, but he saw through her the moment she walked in that afternoon. Fighting him was futile, something she learned within the first six months of him working there, so she just spilled everything as she wiped down the bar stools.

“Yup. No warning at all, just told me with everything done before I could object. Something about thinking just being straightforward would lessen the blow. Since I prefer bluntness and all that,” she mumbled.

Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed Yoongi pause as he wiped down the counter and turn to look at her fully.

“Does that dumbass still not know what the word blunt means? Because it’s sure as fuck not screw over your business partner and the only person who kept a business afloat while he cried to daddy about not getting the position he wanted because he’s a failure. Fucking weirdo,” Yoongi shouted.

Though it wasn't really funny YN couldn't help but throw her head back in laughter, pausing in her cleaning as it coursed through her. She couldn't even stop the tears that came along with it.

When she finally pulled it together Yoongi was cleaning again, but the smile he wore showed he was happy with his handy work. And YN was thankful for it. He always knew just what to say to make her laugh when she needed it, even if the joy only lasted for a few seconds. It was one of the things that drew her into him as they got to know each other. Past his introverted defense mechanisms was a sweet man who often just did his best to help wherever he could.

The only person keeping her sane most days.

“Well, yeah he is a dumbass I will finally and fully admit it. But, he was a dumbass keeping me from having to put off certain things to keep this place moving forward, so for a time he was worth something. Now he’s just a fucking headache fucking up my plans.”

Silence filled the room after that as they finished sanitizing everything and got the bar set up for patrons. They were ready an hour in advance, which wasn’t something they usually did with YN preferring it to be only thirty minutes before the last thing was finished, but she didn’t want them working as she met the new co-owner.

There was nothing in her that wanted to impress them, but she preferred all the things be in tip top shape and nothing left to worry over as she handled something so stressful. It shouldn't have felt like that, but meeting someone she didn’t know and didn’t choose in a bar they would both own wasn’t fun. Especially when she thought about other people who’d come in before wanting to be her business partner but wanted everything changed. Something that wouldn’t happen.

“You can take a break and go out if you want. I can meet them alone,” she said as she checked one of the mini fridges under the bar one last time.

She expected Yoongi to say he’d go grab coffee from his favorite place to give him that final boost to keep on his customer service voice all shift, but he shook his head no. He grabbed a bottle of water and sat down at one of the tables farther into the bar. It confused YN and she planned to say something, but then the sound of a door opening caught her attention.

They both turned their attention to the intruder and YN immediately felt like the wind was knocked out of her.

In the door of her bar stood Chae Hyungwon, her ex-best friend.

Thankfully, he appeared just as shocked as she was, though he tried his best to pull it together. His usual fake confident smirk made an appearance and his gaze shifted from her to the space around them. His head nodded every so often and soft sounds of approval slipped from his lips as he did.

YN knew it was him avoiding her gaze to prepare whatever non-caring act he planned to put on with her, but that didn’t ease her at all.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

After several seconds of blatantly ignoring her Hyungwon responded.

“Is that any way to speak to your new boss?” he asked.

Shock wasn’t the word that YN used to describe how hearing those words felt, mostly because it wasn’t what coursed through her. It was more like amusement at being some sort of joke to the universe. Amusement and immense sadness.

“Co-owner. You are my co-owner. And let’s not forget that I own most of it,” YN said.

Hyungwon’s eyes went wide. “You’re the co-owner?”

That was a small win for her.

“Ah, so Hyuk didn’t just decide to withhold information from me. At least he’s a consistent idiot,” she said.

There was a beat of silence before YN pulled herself together and decided that she would unleash her feelings later and handle her predicament in that moment.

“So, shall we sit and talk?” she asked.

Hyungwon stared at her for a moment before nodding. At that YN motioned towards a table she’d set up for them and went to sit down. She waited a moment for him to settle in before pushing a folder across the table. And though clearly confused he took it and flipped through the contents.

He scoffed. “What is this, a college orientation? Am I to read and sign all of these, then be punished if I fail to do them or disregard them?”

“Yes.”

That startled him, but YN didn’t give him time to recover.

“That contains all the information that you need to know about this business. How it is currently run, it’s vendors, it’s monthly costs, the excel sheets we use to track information so that we can make small changes here and there to stay on top of how to best run things. And as you saw on top, explains the rules that I’ve laid out for you as co-owner. They are the same for anyone who wants to take on that role and besides small adjustments have remained the same throughout my use of them. They are not fYNible. With a compelling argument I may be willing to bend something but the odds are virtually nonexistent. They must be understood and abided by and any of them that are major violations will be cause for termination of your co-ownership, without a mandatory buyout from me. Which is something that was in the contract that Hyuk gave you, so you’ve already agreed.”

“That’s not allowed. I saw it, but it didn’t go into-”

YN laughed. “You signed a contract without meeting with the other co-owner, the person who owns fifty-five percent of this bar. Thus, not allowing yourself the chance to get all the information. Which means you forfeit the right to suddenly demand a change on something you agreed to blindly. My rules are not outlandish, they are just specific and demand that you are serious or at the very least don’t get in my way.”

Laughter escaped Hyungwon, but it clearly held no humor. For a moment he looked prepared to argue or leave, but he simply reopened the folder and read over the first few sheets. Though there were a few sounds that were akin to disapproval that wasn’t what reflected on his face when he glanced up several minutes later. It was more so a look of mild amazement.

“This keeps anyone who buys in from doing anything slightly shady behind your back or straight up dumb without mutual decision. It’s ironclad, makes sense not to put it directly into the contract since you’re opposed to negotiating that part,” he said.

Part of her felt proud, though it was solely because she knew she’d done things well in that respect. But the other part of her was displeased that the pride appeared from hearing a form of praise from Hyungwon, even if it wasn’t directly from impressing him.

Naturally, he couldn’t leave it on a positive note though.

“Too bad you didn’t come up with one where it stopped him from fucking you over,” Hyungwon mumbled.

“Yeah, so sad, if only we could make those kinds of things for everyone we encounter. Though I guess something for me to hold people accountable for fucking me over wouldn’t be something you’d be personally interested in. Could be used against you,” YN said without missing a beat.

Hyungwon’s face went red after that and she could see a flurry of emotions playing out on his face but could pick up on none. Not that, that lessened her amusement at all. She’d gotten a reaction out of him and it was childish, but felt wonderful nonetheless.

“Is there anything else you need to show me?” Hyungwon finally asked after a minute.

YN nodded and stood from her seat.

“I can show you around the place and explain how things run. However, I ask that you hold all questions until you have absorbed all the information, I don’t mind if you use your phone or something to write things down as I talk. But if you think it’s important to know please stop me and ask.”

All she got was a nod before she led him around the space. She showed him the back rooms, including the office, and explained how things worked schedule wise with everything. Then she brought him back out front and pointed out things behind the bar to get him acquainted with how things worked. Then she led him through the space and showed him the balcony that gave the best access to their view of a skyline and water off in the distance. Once finished she brought him back inside and was about to wrap it up, but then he spoke.

“How many employees are there?” he asked.

“Including myself seven. With the way we currently operate, more aren’t needed, but there is still a chance we could hire a few more.”

Hyungwon nodded. “And I’m guessing he’s one.”

That was the first time YN glanced Yoongi’s way since Hyungwon appeared and she turned to see the male drinking his water and scrolling through his phone.

“Yes, Yoongi has been here almost a year now.”

At the sound of his name Yoongi looked up and while he didn’t seem particularly fond when he glanced Hyungwon’s way he did offer YN a smile, one she returned happily.

After that her attention moved back to Hyungwon who glanced between the two of them and looked prepared to say something but didn’t.

“Well, is there anything else you need or would like to see? We open pretty soon so we’re running low on time,” YN said.

Seconds ticked by as she watched Hyungwon stare at her but seem off in his own little world. It was something that was the norm for when he debated on what to say or do so it wasn’t surprising, but it made her uncomfortable.

“Hyungwon,” she called out.

He snapped out of it and cleared his throat. “No. I’m good. I’ll just sit off in one of the back corners for a while to watch how things go and then leave.”

A nod and then YN left him to do what he wanted. The two waitresses for the night arrived just then and everyone got their behinds into gear. Then minutes later their customers began filing in.

Though YN’s mind reeled from what happened she didn’t get the chance to linger on it, because work became the focus quickly. She enjoyed bartending so she did that alongside Yoongi and though the place wasn’t packed, people tended to order drinks rapidly. And since their bar had made its name for mixed and signature drinks it wasn’t just rounds of shots. They needed to mix drinks and do it right, half-assing it to get it out quickly wasn't something they did. Especially since part of the draw for some, besides the drinks, was watching them being made. They enjoyed some sort of show with it, though neither YN nor Yoongi went all out to impress, just did what they needed to with focus and a slight flourish.

So, by the time she caught her breath and wasn’t focusing on anything work related and glanced up to find Hyungwon she noticed his former spot taken up by someone else. He was nowhere she could see, so she assumed he left and felt herself sigh in relief. It didn’t clear the chaos she kept at bay in her mind, but helped it settle some.

However, she again didn’t get time to linger on it because they’d done the last call and an influx of orders came on. She and Yoongi worked to get them out and were thankful when people began to leave, some stumbling to the exit with the help of security.

From there everyone immediately began working on their sections to clean and an hour and a half later they were all on their way out the building. YN saw off her waitresses and security then prepared to say her goodbyes to Yoongi only for him to be giving her a look she saw when he’d offer to join her on the way home and she’d deny.

Which meant that fighting him on it would’ve been useless, so she just began walking towards the train station.

For several minutes they did so in silence and though YN seemed calm it was clear that she was fighting something off. Something she didn’t want to talk about or at least that’s what she told herself until Yoongi spoke up.

“You can scream if you want,” he said.

That made her pause and then laugh loudly. It brought on looks from the few people lingering about late at night, but she didn’t care at all. One would’ve thought she was laughing at the idea of screaming to release her feelings, but it was more so that screaming is what Johnny had her do when the incident happened years before. He got her drunk, took her to the top of a building and they screamed until she was a laughing mess on the ground. He’d had to carry her home after.

“I wish that was the fix for this. Hell, I wish I didn’t have such a strong reaction to him after all this time.”

Again, silence filled the space as they began walking away and neither of them spoke again until they were seated in a half-deserted train car. Yoongi took that as the perfect moment to bump her shoulder to get her attention and it worked.

“You could tell me about it. You don’t have to of course, but it could help the feelings a bit,” he offered.

At that YN sighed and her eyes closed. A lot of her screamed to let it die so she didn’t have to deal with the emotions again, but a smaller voice reminded her that the feelings would always be there and she probably only felt so intensely because she’d been forced to endure them in front of someone who didn’t know what happened. If it had been Johnny or her by herself she’d be better about it. And she had to remind herself she trusted Yoongi a whole lot, so telling him wasn’t the end of the world by any means.

Once she’d made peace with her choice her eyes opened and she turned so her back leaned against the small wall blocking her seat from the door. She knew that if she told him it had to be while looking at him.

“As you may know I have an ex that Johnny loathes with his entire being. I’m sure you remember that drunk rant that he gave the first month of you working there,” she paused to see his response and once he nodded she continued. “Well, I know he went on and on about planning to beat up all the people who’d ever hurt me, so there were a lot on that list. Anyway, he got to talking about an old friend before he ran to the bathroom to throw up. That friend was Hyungwon or my new co-owner, I don’t think I told you his name. But yeah, he was my best friend. Like that friend I made the moment I came to orientation and looked every bit of the confused foreigner I was. We clicked and he felt like the best friend I’d made in my entire life. Even helped me figure out how to work up the nerve to talk to my ex to ask him out.”

YN sighed and used her hand to push back a few loose curls that had slipped from her bun. The voice telling her to shut up got louder and she knew if she wanted to stop she could, but something about the attentive look on Yoongi’s face stopped her.

“In our senior year things were beyond stressful. He was dealing with family business stuff and his father has always been a difficult man. While I was dealing with trying to find a job so I could keep a visa and stay in the country, while also trying to graduate. We barely saw each other and I barely saw my boyfriend either despite usually sleeping at his every night. I decided to change that one night, I messaged Hyungwon to schedule a hang out and he agreed. Then I grabbed some food and snacks and headed to my boyfriend’s. I was at most an hour earlier than when I said I’d be coming, something not out of the norm for me and it wasn’t like he didn’t know.

“It was so quiet that I assumed he was asleep. I made sure to keep quiet as I settled in and then creeped towards the bedroom. However, I didn’t make it there, because while a few feet away the door swung open and I was met with him in his boxers and a disheveled Hyungwon. They didn’t notice me right away or at least I like to think so since they started making out and didn’t stop until I cleared my throat. The expressions of shock at that point are barely a memory because I’d started to tear up and just turn and left. They both attempted to reach out, but obviously I shut them down.”

After she finished Yoongi’s expression shifted to shock and then anger.

“And yet he acted like he was superior and has nothing to be sorry for when he came in today. What kind of bullshit is that? He should at least appear apologetic,” he said.

YN went to answer, but they were at her stop so she waited until they were off the train and up the steps.

“Hyungwon’s default expression is resting bitch face, especially when trying to hide some sort of emotion behind it. And he will lay it on thick. But he also is likely to force that and a haughty demeanor because he just does. It’s a defense mechanism, especially when he feels wronged in some way. He turned it on me a week after it was clear I wasn’t forgiving him. He’d prefer to be the one who is uncaring, then to endure too much emotion. No matter if he’s the cause of it.”

“What kind of fucked up shit is that? He messed up, not you. You had every right to refuse to deal with him or forgive him,” Yoongi said.

YN shrugged. “To a degree it’s a defense mechanism that I understand even if I don’t agree, but sometimes it does make him more of a douche than he’s going for. But it is what it is.”

They walked the short distance to her apartment in silence and YN couldn’t help but realize how much better she felt. It didn’t fix everything, but it helped more than she thought it would. Johnny usually was the one to get her calm enough to process the rest and she knew that once she told him the news he’d help her overcome the lingering emotions more, but with the chance to vent to the two people she trusted the most it was different.

Once they reached her apartment she turned and pulled Yoongi into a hug. He went stiff for a second before he hugged her back.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“No problem,” he said in return.

She held him for a few seconds longer after that and then let go, gently nudged him towards the cab that pulled up at the most convenient time out of nowhere. Or at least she tried to pretend she didn’t order it when he wasn’t paying attention, but just like every other time she did it he saw through her.

They waved at each other and she went inside once the cab pulled off. On the elevator up she couldn’t stop the smile on her lips. Her brain had halted its existential crisis and focused on the memory of Yoongi’s own smile as the car departed. It was beyond cute and she’d told him that when she’d first saw him do it, but what she felt in the elevator was different. There was an all-consuming happiness and a weird feeling in her stomach as she thought of it then.

The smile didn’t leave until she was sitting at the table with Johnny eating fried chicken too late at night and telling him what happened. He ranted and raved, even made a few threats, which brought the feeling back again, but that time directed at her roommate.

Weeks passed, and though YN hated the arrangement for multiple reasons she got used to it. Hyungwon didn’t try to implement any major changes and most of what he did was stuff she’d planned to do months later when they had more than enough funds for it.

Though there was one thing she’d agreed to that came with some regret. Or at least regret is what filled her as she had to endure a couple who didn’t understand distance and chose to sit at the bar.

The moment they strolled in, clinging to each other, they’d made a beeline for her side of the bar and told her how they’d seen the bar mentioned on the account of some popular new actor and then promptly shoved a phone in her face to show her. All it took was a single glance to know that she’d never seen that man in the bar before and the picture had been taken around a time they weren’t open. He was sitting on the bar’s balcony with a drink in hand and you could see people enjoying themselves behind him, but they appeared to focus on appearing in the right angle of the picture for it not to be fully staged. Which meant it was Hyungwon’s doing.

YN agreed to allow him to expand social media reach because though she did it, sometimes it wasn’t the best that it could be. However, their definitions of expansion differed and about four celebrities that had never been there had posted about having such a good time at that bar. Something that brought in business, but also forced YN and her staff to lie when asked by customers. And customers asked a whole lot when they came in, needing every detail down to what the celeb smelled like.

It was annoying but arguing about it with Hyungwon ended up with her just conceding in annoyance every time. Despite the nuisance of it, she truly didn’t have it in her to keep the back and forth with him on the subject. Doing it just didn’t prove to be worth it.

So, she and everyone endured the nonsense. Though as she watched the couple get increasingly touchier she almost stormed off into the back office to put a stop to it once and for all. In fact, she’d turned to tell Yoongi that she was going to step away but was distracted in a second.

“YN!” Johnny shouted as he approached the bar.

From the moment she laid her eyes on her best friend she noticed the offness. The giant stumbled a little while he walked and there was a slur to his words. His clothing was also a little less put together than usual and though not noticeable to most people it’s something she picked up on after years of enduring his quirks.

“Johnny, I thought you had a date,” she said.

That immediately made him frown at her. Of course, she guessed how well that had gone, but she knew that he preferred to explain to her about how bad it was, so she got the true dramatic effect. So instead of saying anything she allowed him to take up a seat at the bar and got him the coldest bottle of his favorite beer that she had. He took it happily and downed half of it before he began his story.

“She wanted me to be a third in her relationship. Brought the boyfriend and everything. Which we all know I’m fine with and my dating profile says that, but you warn a person beforehand. She said she was single and then boom, boyfriend suddenly.”

He paused and downed the rest of the bottle, which was quickly replaced with another by Yoongi who happened to be moving by. Johnny gave him a grateful nod and picked it up, but just held it.

“And that would also not be the worst thing in the world, but then the entire time the guy kept sizing me up and then asking the most sexually invasive questions. At one point he asked me how big my dick was and seemed ready to whip his out so that we could compare them. I had to drink to get through the entire thing and sped out of there the moment the bill for dinner was paid. Blocked her dating account, her social media, and number on the way here. Then had to block his number, because apparently blocking her wasn’t enough of a hint for them,” he said.

YN winced hearing that part, because she couldn’t imagine enduring something so awkward and then creepy as that. Nor could she imagine not understanding when someone wasn’t interested after such intensive blocking.

Pathetic was the word that came to mind.

“Well, I’m glad you escaped them. You get to drink that one and one more, then you switch to water. Also go back and heat up my lunch or have someone grab it for you, you need something else in you and I didn’t get around to eating it myself,” YN said.

That changed Johnny’s demeanor in an instant and he glared at her, but before he could scold her about not eating properly Hyungwon appeared.

“YN, if you’re not busy up here can you come back into the office to help me with something? It’ll only be a few minutes, I want to know I’m doing this right,” he said.

Johnny’s glare shifted from her to Hyungwon, but neither of them paid him any mind.

“Sure, I’ll be back there in a sec,” she said.

Hyungwon nodded and disappeared again. And though it was clear that Johnny had something to say YN ignored him, turning to tell Yoongi only to get shooed away before she could open her mouth. She shot him a quick thumbs up and then hustled back to the office.

“What’s up?” she asked as she closed the door behind her.

The moment Hyungwon had her close enough he pointed to the screen of their computer and started to explain how he’d tried to do something in the excel sheet for the month’s vendor expenses but something went wrong. He walked her through the whole process before she stepped in to show him what he’d done wrong for it to not to work. And then they went over some of the other sheets to ensure they were right, as well as some of the vendor request forms that needed to get done by that time the following week.

It was an easy conversation and though weeks before YN thought she’d still be awkward and apprehensive; she’d managed to find a good groove in dealing with Hyungwon as a business partner and ignoring the pain from the past. He was someone who put himself fully into his work, so it wasn’t hard to mesh with him on the subject. In fact, he got more work down in the weeks he’d been on board than Hyuk in the years he was YN’s partner. She never minded doing all of the work before, but she also would never deny that having some of the weight off her was refreshing. Even in situations where she had to double check and teach Hyungwon the ropes a few times.

When they were done she stood from her seat and stretched, her eyes meeting the clock to see she’d been back there for almost an hour.

“Is there anything else you need?” she asked.

Though Hyungwon shook his head at first, he stilled for a moment and then whipped around to look at her. The expression on his face startled her with its seriousness, his eyebrows furrowed and the frown on his lips was intense. There was also a glint in his eyes that she recalled from when he found out some not happy news and a part of her worried greatly about what he’d say.

“Actually. I would like to apologize,” he said.

That confused YN for a second because she’d still be in work mode, until she saw the way his body sagged and then it clicked in her head. Her hands went up in defense as she shook her head rapidly.

“You don-”

“Please let me talk?”

And though her whole body screamed to not let him continue she couldn’t find it in her to not let him get whatever it was off his chest. So, she took a deep breath and nodded so that he’d continue, she didn’t trust herself to say the right thing.

“I know I apologized then and I meant it, even if I did the thing where I pretended like it wasn’t my fault and that you should’ve forgiven me. I fucked up on so many levels and I didn’t mean to. I need you to know that it was never my intention, I just… I don’t know how to explain it. That night is a weird blur of sadness, drinking, and feeling someone wanted to be in my presence and cared about my feelings. I gave in for stupid and selfish reasons. He told me you’d broken up over a week before, but even then it wasn’t an okay thing to do. I know that. I knew when I agreed. I knew when it happened. And I knew the entire time after.

“I have no valid excuse for my betraying you like that. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. And I’m even more sorry that I’m messing with your dream. It wasn’t my intention at all. I swear to you I didn’t know you were the co-owner when the contract was signed. And I’d planned to back out after I found out, but it was too early in the contract for me to be able to sell it to you and I would’ve had to sell it back to him. And I’ve worked with Hyuk before, he will continue to fuck things up. And I guess I’m using a lot of words to say I’m sorry and I’m rambling, so again I’m truly sorry.”

By the end of his tangent YN was left confused and unsure. She could see the sincerity, something he’d never been able to fake, and she knew he felt sorry for his actions when it happened, but she didn’t know how to respond. There was nothing in her head that felt like an accurate response to what he’d said. Especially the apologies, because she’d forgiven him a year after the incident. Not in a whole ceremonious way of letting it go to move on, but she realized she moved one already. The hurt wasn’t gone and she knew if she saw him her reaction would not be positive, but she knew that if she did see him and he spoke to her she’d probably be willing to talk it through with him. Hell, she’d thought about it for half a second when he first stepped foot into the bar, but he’d chosen the snooty demeanor and she’d thrown it away in an instant.

All of that uncertainty must have been clear to Hyungwon, thankfully, because he cleared his throat to regain her attention and then smiled at her. A real smile. The first smile she’d seen on his face since the first time she’d seen him again.

“You don’t have to say anything right now. You don’t have to say anything ever really. We can act like I didn’t say anything at all and keep going how we’re going. I just wanted you to know that,” he said.

YN’s mind scrambled to find a response after that because it didn’t want to have said nothing, but she ended up nodding and walking out without saying a word. She’d made sure to keep her expression light and offered a small smile before she turned away so he didn’t think she was running from him or hated him.

With her mind going a mile a minute she stepped into the staff bathroom to use it and run a cold, wet paper towel across the back of her neck to help calm her down. When she got worked up she got hot and needed to be brought down before it spiraled. It only took five minutes before she felt ready to head back out to the bar, though she wasn’t completely herself as she went.

A large part of her wanted to go back and yell at Hyungwon and then have a heart to heart, but she willed herself to keep moving forward.

However, when she reached the end of the hall she wished she’d done that. People seated at the bar had left and moved elsewhere, which made it easy for her to spot Johnny nursing a glass of water. He looked ready to drink it, but something else had his attention. Someone else.

Yoongi was standing directly in front of him, body bent over so that his arms rested on the bar between them. He wore a wide smile and reached over to poke Johnny’s cheek as they laughed together.

They were so close to each other and so comfortable, that it was almost romantic. Then with bated breath YN watched as Johnny ran his hand through his hair and winked at Yoongi, something he only ever did when he was flirting. A quirk that she’d pointed out to him once that he’d never noticed he did. But that wasn’t what made her stomach churn, it was the light blush that coated Yoongi’s cheeks as he punched Johnny’s arm.

Both men were flirting with each other and by their expressions it was far from the playful kind they’d done once when some girl kept hitting on Yoongi and wouldn’t understand no until Johnny stepped in as his “boyfriend.” Oh no, their flirting was real and natural.

And YN didn’t know which one it hurt more seeing do it.

At least once a month there was an event held at the bar and so YN wouldn’t open it to the general public. And by some miracle one fell on a Sunday and was during midafternoon, which meant she didn’t have work the next day and they wouldn’t be open late into the night. Both things were something she needed after over a week of feeling at her lowest.

The down feeling wasn’t new by any means, but it didn’t make it easier. Nor did her avoidance of Johnny, who usually knew the right things to say to get her out of a funk.

It was a consequence of her avoiding her roommate.

After she’d seen his interactions with Yoongi at the club she’d gotten over things pretty quickly, but they didn’t stop there. Though both males had talked before their communication ramped up. They were texting often and sometimes even video chatting. Along with that came an increase of them hanging out. On one free day YN had swung by to bring Johnny food at his shop, but when she appeared Yoongi was already there and they were eating. Of course, they invited her to join and she did, but it hadn’t been fun for her. Which was how she described all her hang outs with them. It was the constant third wheel kind of feeling and seeing as she had no time to adjust to her realization of feelings for both of them, she definitely didn’t have time to adjust to them possibly getting together.

All of it was too much at once and only aided along the low she felt. Which meant she turned to avoiding them when she could. Some things were changing for the club and that meant she had a built-in excuse to be busy. That coupled with her clearly being down meant that they left her be when she said she wanted to venture out alone or with other friends. And they definitely didn’t stop her if she just said she wanted to lay in bed all day and be left alone. She’d ensured that she did it a normal amount so not to alarm them and it worked for her.

Well, only worked in the matters of not being forced to third wheel. Though the times they hung out in the apartment while she locked herself in her room didn’t do much for her whole, dealing with feelings plan.

Not that she dealt with them well when not around them.

However, the day of the event she saw the light at the end of the tunnel for her funk. YN woke up feeling on top of the world and everything ran so smoothly from then on. They’d set up, received the guests, and kept the event running without incident. Minus the very drunk man who got weirdly passionate about telling the story about how the wine he was drinking was made and then proceeded to spill it.

Hell, even seeing how Hyungwon and his boyfriend mingled without issue brought her some sort of joy. And that joy was how her brain drowned out the voice that told her that Hyungwon’s boyfriend seemed familiar and not in the good way. Something that would have persisted if not for Johnny having approached her.

“Isn’t that the guy who showed up to that weeklong dating event with a different person each time?” he asked YN.

That was all it took for her brain to kick into gear and her head whipped over to look where Hyungwon stood with him. It took a single second to see his face and then recall all the times he’d come in with people and sometimes left with someone else. Or at the very least flirted with others, slipping people, including YN, his number while his date was preoccupied. He’d made her uncomfortable.

Those things weren’t cool and alone were enough to alarm YN, but that wasn’t the issue she found herself focused on when she stared him down. No, the problem was that when Hyungwon had appeared at the bar and introduced his boyfriend he’d spoken of how they’d been together for almost two years. That series of events had happened only two months before he became her co-owner. Meaning the man was a worse cheater than she’d thought he was.

“Oh, fuck me,” she groaned.

“Yeah,” Johnny said.

Though YN avoided eye contact with him most days the tone of his voice made her finally meet his gaze and it wasn’t comforting. In fact, he appeared a bit uncomfortable and unsure of how to react to the situation. She thought it was because of what happened, but then she glanced down to his hand and saw a business card in it. It showed Hyungwon’s boyfriend’s name and work info, but with a quick flip YN saw another number scribbled on back along with something about calling for a good time.

The man held no shame. Hitting on people with his longtime boyfriend present and the photographer of the event no less. Someone they’d hired to work it and would report back to them for how everything went. Truly the worst possible person because despite the possibility of lack of moral compass, the odds weren’t that great that he wouldn’t tell the person who hired him what transpired with their boyfriend.

A headache from it all was an understatement for what YN felt about it. But she knew what she had to do despite it all.

“Just…” she trailed off, taking the card from him and slipping it in her pocket. “Just don’t talk to him about it. I’ll bring it up when we wrap up for the night. It’s better I do it.”

“Are you sure?”

She wasn’t but nodded anyway.

Johnny didn’t believe her, but when she shooed him away to continue taking the photos he went without much hesitation.

From there she just worked to get through the last two hours of the event. She kept the bar going and even took a turn as a waitress when things got a little hectic since she hadn’t thought she’d need many staff on hand for something not that big.

Naturally, she hoped that it all was enough to keep her mind preoccupied, but that wasn’t the case. Any time she wasn’t focused, even for a second, her brain thought about it. And it was worse whenever she glanced up to see the both of them together as if one of them wasn’t a horrible human being. So much of her hated the idea of Hyungwon being hurt like that, even with their own past. No one deserved that. Plus, they’d made a lot of progress since he’d made that apology and YN had started to feel good around him. Like she actively wanted to be there. They’d even eaten lunch together a few times.

By the time everyone had cleared out and the staff was almost ready to go she snapped out of her own thoughts of dread to pull Hyungwon to the side. She said something about something she needed him to look over before he left for the night and he followed her to the office without hesitation. Which was good for her nerves, but not enough to quail the new set of anxiety that hit when his boyfriend said he’d wait and sat down at one of the tables. She would’ve preferred if he’d not been there to be confronted in her presence, but she didn’t have the luxury, so she pushed through.

When they entered the office she took a deep breath and turned to face Hyungwon, who appeared a bit startled and she assumed her expression aptly portrayed the discomfort and nerves she felt.

“I could prolong this because that’s totally what I want to do, because this makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I feel like you need to know. Your boyfriend has been here before. And not like just a random patron, but a person coming here on dates with people. Even attended a few events with a date in the last three months or so. And for the most part they’re always different people. And to make matters worse he’s always flirting with someone else when his date is away or even right in front of them. He’s hit on multiple staff members before, including me. Also, he slipped Johnny his card, with his personal number and a… flirtatious message on it.”

YN spoke so quickly she wasn’t sure he understood her, so the frown that appeared on his lips was what she used to indicate she could continue going. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the card, but before she could hold it up for him to see or hand it to him his hand was on her wrist.

Startled, she looked up to see the frown had left his face and he’d gone for a much more neutral expression, though his eyes held fire behind them. It almost made her flinch.

Hyungwon scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d stoop to this. He’d never even heard of this bar before I told him I was going to become a co-owner nor would he have the time to do that. Also, what could possibly be the problem with coming here with other people if he did. He can bring friends to events or out for a night of partying. My goodness YN why would you even try to spew such false info-”

Before he could finish, YN put a hand over his mouth. That confused him but didn’t stop the way he looked at her. And that only made her angrier.

She’d listened to his little rant about how she was wrong and hoped that he would change course. Hoped that the way his tone wavered every now and then was indication of him not believing his own words, but he kept going. If she hadn’t stopped him YN was sure he’d descended into words much less passive in calling her liar and into much more hurtful talk. And with the way she felt she couldn’t endure that. She refused to be hurt by him when all she wanted to do was help.

“I would never make up something like that. And I am not as stupid as to think people hanging out in a bar or doing the bare minimum of hugging is cause to deem them together. Nor would I sit here and make up being uncomfortably flirted with and Johnny getting his number and a not so ‘I want to be friends’ note from him. Something I was just going to show you. But that doesn’t matter to you apparently. Because someone who's been harmed by something as bad as cheating would totally make that up for shits and giggles or for some sort of revenge. Because I of all people who has let much worse slide would do that, right? Don’t believe me, that’s fucking fine. Live your life thinking I’d lie about that or misunderstand. But if you want to pull your head out of your ass you can look at this card, you can look at the files on the computer to see pictures from events, you can check the bar’s website and social media for the pictures too. Hell, go ask Johnny for them. He has more than he gave up and with the way he was making out with most of them I’m sure he has something to show that.”

After that YN didn’t wait for a reply, she simply turned on her heel, grabbed her bag, and stormed out of the room. She went out front so she could tell her manager to finish locking up and tell Johnny she wanted to leave, but when she got out there she saw something that made her feel even worse.

Johnny and Yoongi were standing across from each other at the bar laughing and being all touchy. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but then they leaned in close enough that they looked ready to kiss until Yoongi happened to notice YN and turned to look at her. His smile dropped and he stepped away, moving to get from behind the bar but she didn’t stay put.

YN all but sprinted out of the building with three voices calling out to her. And she didn’t stop until she was in a taxi, sobbing and asking to be taken to some bar that was far away from her own business and home so they wouldn’t stumble upon her.

From then on time moved in a way that she couldn’t comprehend. She reached the bar and immediately muted her ringer to avoid calls or texts. And once inside she greeted the bartender she was familiar with and asked for a drink. Something she did until she was so drunk that she just barely was cognizant of what was happening around her. Of course, she wanted more, but she needed to be responsible despite all the things that had crumbled right in front of her.

“I called you a taxi, it’s out front. Go home YN,” JB, the bartender, said.

Though part of her wanted to say no she simply nodded, paid, and headed out to the taxi that waited for her. She managed to walk normally until she reached the taxi where she stumbled a bit and had to be helped inside. Once she and her driver were in their seats she slurred her words and told him her address. He grunted and they were off.

The whole drive her brain kept trying to figure out how’d she’d deal with Johnny when she got home or Yoongi when she had to work. Her brain was so hazy that she couldn’t form full ideas for Johnny, but decided she’d just have someone else take her shifts with Yoongi. That answer made her so proud that she smiled and patted herself on the back.

However, the back patting stopped when the driver stopped and she got out, only to realize he’d dropped her a few blocks from her apartment. He’d driven off by then and she felt slightly more sober, so she started her trek home. There was some tripping over her own feet and stopping when her vision blurred but she did okay.

Ten minutes in though she felt her stomach drop as she heard a voice.

“YN? Got damnit, YN where have you been?” Yoongi called out.

Though she heard him clear as day she continued walking without even a glance backwards. She even put a pep in her step, though that was less about avoiding him and more about being miffed about the use of her full first name.

“YN, could you stop,” he said.

She continued ignoring him. Even when she stopped to put in the code to her building, when she stopped to wait for the elevator, and when both of them stood in the small space together. Yoongi was displeased, but he didn’t force anything simply followed behind her.

He tried to speak again once they entered the apartment, but he wasn’t the only one.

“Can you just answer m....”

“Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calli...” Johnny started

Regardless of their concerns she continued to ignore them both, even tuning out what they had to say as she kicked off her shoes and deposited her bag on one of the hooks near the door. The plan was to walk past them and into her room where she would pass out, but as she made her first step she tripped over a box that she hadn’t seen.

Thankfully, they caught her and got her standing and steady. She muttered a quick thank you and then looked at what had been her undoing, only to see a box she’d asked Johnny to move multiple times.

That surely brought up some anger as her head whipped up so she could glare at him.

“Why can’t you just listen to what I say? Or better yet understand that there is an issue? That all signs point to a fucking problem if you do something like that? Why? I’ve almost hurt myself like ten times already and you have yet to move it!”

Johnny’s own anger subsided a little and he appeared sheepish for a second, mumbling an apology and moving the box out of the way. He turned to her after, but she didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say or talk about, so she attempted to storm off to her room as planned. Attempting was key in that, because the moment the foot that hit the box touched down on its own she cried out in pain.

“Fuck,” Johnny said as he caught her and held her up.

“Stupid fucking box!” she screamed.

“Oh, fuck. What can we do? How can we help?” a panicked Yoongi asked.

YN cursed a few more times as the throbbing settled in.

“Just take me to my room. I just want to sleep and not deal with this shit.”

Both men nodded and helped her to her room, carefully placing her down on the bed. From there she slipped off her jeans - she had leggings on underneath - and shrugged off her heavy sweater so she only had her sports bra on. After she got comfortable in the bed, using a pillow to put under her throbbing ankle and threw a bonnet over her hair, thankful to be wearing it braided.

As she got comfortable and prepared to sleep she realized that neither of them had left and when she prepared to tell them to both men crawled into the bed with her, getting on either side.

“What are you do-”

She wasn’t allowed to finish though because Johnny cut her off.

“Can we just stay? We know we stressed you out in the last few minutes and we feel like shit. It would make us feel better and if you say no, we’ll just sit on the floor or outside your door.”

Yoongi nodded. “We’d just feel better closer.”

Though she opened her mouth to argue she found that with the pain in her ankle and the alcohol wearing off she was too tired for it. So, she said nothing and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself and laying completely still until she fell asleep.

Or mostly fell asleep. With the two of them in her bed so close and radiating so much body heat she found it hard to slip completely. Not that either of them could tell that she wasn't asleep.

"It has to be more than the Hyungwon situation. I think I know what it is and that means we need to tell her soon,” Yoongi whispered.

"Wait. What? We have everything set for a week. Can it not wait?"

"Have you seen how she's been acting lately? She's pulling away from both of us and a week gives her more time to put more distance. We won't have a chance to come clean by then or even get a proper conversation in about it. She'll just think it's pity or not feel enough to care."

"Okay, tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, it's an off day and she's ahead of all her work, so even if she goes in it'll be fine."

Silence followed that and then soft snores.

Their words confused her, but she also felt her stomach drop as she imagined them saying they were together or any other thing that would make her distressed. Her mind couldn’t stop thinking of possibilities and she finally knocked out as a way to avoid the overthinking.

When she woke up it was around three in the morning and it was because she was overheated. Confusion filled YN as she couldn’t figure out the problem, only to open her eyes and see both men cuddled into her from either side. Everything came rushing back to her at once, but she was still tired enough that she prepared to ignore it and go back to sleep.

Until she noticed their hands intertwined over her body. Nausea hit fast and before she knew it, she slipped from the bed and exited the room. It was the only time she was happy that either of them were heavy sleepers.

She limped from her room and went to Johnny’s. She created a similar set up for her ankle and pushing down all negative thoughts she cuddled into one of his plushies and went to sleep. Though not nearly fast enough to stop the tears.

The day after chaos reigned, YN woke up surprisingly early but didn’t dare leave Johnny’s bed. She waited in the dark in silence until she heard Yoongi leave and then slipped into her room as Johnny was in the kitchen making coffee. She’d barely made it in without him catching her, but once she was inside and the door was locked, him knowing didn’t matter.

From then on she tried not to think about anything that occurred and just got undressed and into the shower. The focus was on getting clean and hoping that that hot water would help along her still sore ankle; resting it through the night had been enough to keep it from getting too bad and it hadn’t swollen.

After she was cleaned she made quick work of getting dressed and taking down her hair, allowing her twist out to take full form. It needed a little sprucing up and then she was done. Ready to tackle the day.

Though she didn’t know how.

Every few seconds her brain focused on the sounds of Johnny moving around the apartment. Mostly because he wasn’t in his room, but out in the living room near her door which meant that he awaited her exit. She hoped that he would leave and she would have an opening to slip out and avoid him a little longer, but she knew he was stubborn and didn’t have to work that day so he had all the time in the world.

Since grabbing her stuff and escaping wasn’t a perfect plan she was forced to sit on her bed and think out other ones. There was the obvious choice of talking to him, but with all that went on her head she didn’t want that. Plus, she wanted to be a punk for a while and not deal with whatever it was him and Yoongi planned to tell her. That left things like stay in her room all day, exit via the fire escape and come through the front to grab her bag and shoes, or just go out of her door and walk past him. Staying in her room would drive her up the wall and the fire escape on the building was not the best and she’d have to jump a foot or two to get off it, something that would agitate her ankle.

That meant that she had to walk past him, which meant she needed an excuse. She sat there thinking for a while until she remembered something important she’d put off and planned to do after the event. Something that was important to keep her business running and that she told Johnny about.

It was perfect.

So, after taking a deep breath she stood from her bed and exited her room with some faux confidence and a whole lot of fake indifference.

The moment she was in sight Johnny stopped his movement. He looked ready to move closer to her but seemed to think better of it. Something she was thankful for since she didn’t know if she could get away from him if he was close enough to stop her. He wouldn’t hurt her and would let her go if she asked but being stopped messed with the whole flow of things for her.

YN didn’t linger too long on what he was doing and just walked to the front door and slipped on her shoes. She then grabbed her bag and made sure her wallet and phone were there before her hand touched the door to open it.

And that’s when Johnny spoke up.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? I feel like we should talk about it. Among other things,” he said.

For a second that made YN freeze, but she recovered rather quickly. Maintaining her “indifference” she turned to look at his face for the first time since she walked out and shrugged.

“Maybe later. Don’t really feel like dealing with anything besides spreadsheets and those tax forms I need to get out by tonight,” she said.

Though Johnny still appeared prepared to push he seemed to resign himself when she said tax forms. As an owner of his own business he knew that was important and it took her awhile to get everything ready for her accountant. Which meant he simply collapsed onto the couch and nodded.

With that small victory YN opened the door and walked out. Part of her said she should at least say bye or when she’d be back, but she knew talking to him longer would’ve made it harder for her. She’d nearly cracked when she saw the worry and sadness etched into his face.

Time is what she needed.

No one foresaw five days of it to go by though. Not even YN.

After she’d bypassed Johnny she’d genuinely ended up too busy to have the energy for any sort of conversation. Mountains of paperwork hit and there were issues left and right. Even when she was in Johnny, Yoongi, or Hyungwon’s presence it was so work related that they didn’t even attempt to talk about anything else or ask her to speak later.

Even at home she was left alone, especially because she’d fallen asleep while responding to Johnny about what to order for dinner one night.

Friday night was when things slowed down and she took her usual shift bartending. It was a packed night because they were handling an event that they themselves were running to get more business. Which meant that most of the staff worked, as well as Hyungwon and Johnny who was hired to take pictures to go up on social media and their website.

It put YN right in the middle of all of them and it was uncomfortable, but she kept strong. Well, she committed to giving them the silent treatment unless it was about work. And it worked out pretty well for her, she managed to get through most of her shift without giving into any attempts to talk or pull her to the side.

The non-plan gave way for reasons she couldn't foresee though.

While she left to the backroom to grab more tequila she was trailed by Hyungwon, who’d tried to get her alone the moment she’d come to work that day. He was begging for a moment of her time even as they made their way back towards the bar, but she held strong. Something she regretted the moment she passed the bottles to Yoongi so he could prep drinks and then turned to see someone she didn’t want to.

Her ex, Jisoo, stood right in front of her bar with a few friend’s laughing it up. None of them noticed her for the first several seconds, which she was thankful for, but it didn’t last long enough for her to fully pull herself together. When Jisoo turned to request a drink he was met with a clearly shocked YN.

Jisoo appeared surprised as well, but he pushed that aside to smirk at her with a quickness.

“YN, I didn’t know you worked here. I just got back into the country and this was the first place my friends recommended. Small world. Oh, Hyungwon… what a surprise to see you here too,” Jisoo said.

That snapped YN out of it and she turned to see Hyungwon glaring at the male, his hand in a fist as he stared him down. For a moment she was reminded of the past as she looked at him. The pain rose up for a second and she felt sick having them in the same place, but she pushed it down. Despite their falling out they’d done well since reconnecting and she was mostly past it all, even close to asking him to hang out like a friend. Allowing a piece of shit ruin that wasn’t okay.

Never again would she allow Jisoo to ruin things for her.

With that spark of anger and confidence she turned to stare down Jisoo herself. She noticed Yoongi closer than before and Johnny standing behind the little group ready to pounce, but she waved them off. YN needed it to be her who went off.

“I own this bar and Hyungwon here is my co-owner, so naturally we would be here,” she said.

For a second Jisoo was knocked off his game, but it wasn’t long before he bounced back. He was like Hyungwon that way and YN hated it.

“Oh? I thought you two were no longer on speaking terms?” he said.

“Well, clearly what you thought was wrong,” Hyungwon chimed in.

Hyungwon’s words elicited a laugh from Jisoo for some reason and it made YN uneasy, but she held her ground. No matter what he threw she knew she could take it. There was no way she’d allow him to see her hurt or crying.

Jisoo shrugged. “I guess so. You’re still with Ji-ah though, right YN? Last I heard you and her hit it off.”

That was the thing to force a humorless laugh from her lips. Only Jisoo would mention her other ex whom he knew she’d broken up with a while ago when she’d moved to take a job at a company out of the country. A company that Jisoo worked at, at that.

Of course, he had to be a trash human in more aspects than one.

“No, but you know that. Since you hit on her, took her on a few dates, slept with her and then told her how you knew me. That's why you asked her out in the first place. You remember that, right? Oh, and you have to remember how she told your job that and so they demoted you, plus moved you to a different branch,” YN said.

And at last the smirk left his face. While pleased by that, YN didn’t ignore the way he tensed and the anger that covered every inch of his expression.

“I feel like you’re the one who should remember. Like remember how you cried when you saw us together. The hurt on your face as I kissed hi-”

Before he could speak anymore Hyungwon almost punched him in the face. If it wasn’t for YN hip checking him and thus making him stumble he would’ve made impact on Jisoo’s right cheek.

Once Hyungwon was settled and being held back by a staff member YN’s attention focused solely on Jisoo.

“I don’t want you or your friend’s here. Ever. So, I’m going to ask you to leave. There will be no argument. No putting up a fight. No asking to be given another chance. You will leave and never return, am I understood?” she said calmly.

Naturally, Jisoo opened his mouth to reply but YN cut him off by whistling. Within seconds two security guards were at the bar and Jisoo’s friends dragged him towards the exit. It was clear that he wanted to say or do something, but he left without much issue and after that YN could breathe.

However, breathing meant that it all came crashing down on her and the next thing she knew she ran to the office with tears streaming down her face.

The intention was to get in there alone and ride out whatever wave of emotion hit until she could pull it together and go back to work like nothing happened. Of course, that meant that the first part didn’t happen.

Hyungwon had followed behind her and slipped in before she could fully close the door. Though it bothered a part of her she didn’t have it in her to say anything or react. She did have the energy to cry harder though, her attempt at silent tears only lasting seconds before sobs wracked her body.

In her head all she could think about is what happened all those years ago. Except the pain she felt was amplified. YN knew it wasn’t because of that or at least the feeling wasn’t solely because of that. No, because after reliving that in her head her brain brought up every other failed relationship and honestly all the failures in her life. It didn’t stop playing the flashbacks until it reached the more recent things to fuck up her life plans and the uncertain romantic feelings she had to endure.

It was all too much, especially when it came at her all at once.

She ended up so in her own head that she didn’t feel Hyungwon pull her into his arms and hold her close. Didn’t hear the apologies and words of reassurance. Didn’t hear the curses about her ex. Didn’t even feel when he moved them from standing to sitting in a chair, her on his lap with her face in his neck.

And time passed so swiftly that she couldn’t tell how long they’d been like that once she’d come back to. But it didn’t matter because it heightened her embarrassment of what had occurred and she attempted to escape him, only to be held in place by bony fingers.

Once she stopped fighting Hyungwon removed one of his hands and used it to lift her chin, forcing her to look at him.

“Your crying is valid and don’t you dare think otherwise. None of that embarrassed or frustrated bullshit because you deserve to be able to release all that,” Hyungwon said.

Even after years apart he still knew her reactions to being overwhelmed through and through, and in that moment she was eternally grateful.

With a nod from her he didn’t stop there.

“That was unexpected and I’m sorry he was here. I forgot how horrible he could be and then he’s just gotten worse over time. You’d think someone would stop playing those games and trying to mess with people’s mental and emotional stability, but alas here he is. I think his company was planning to do an event here, I’ll tell them we’re canceling it and that he’s the reason. Might even throw in some security footage for good measure.”

YN opened her mouth to object, but Hyungwon gave her a look that shut her up.

“Besides that, and I know this is a horrible time, I want to apologize. The way I acted a week ago was uncalled for. When you said it, I believed you I really did. It was just something that wanted to deny that he would. Not necessarily for my own feelings, though they did come into play. But also, because he’s the one who came to me. I had no interest in him whatsoever, but he was persistent in a way that wasn’t creepy and I thought who would work that hard to just throw it away. Especially when they’d been the one to bring up the subject of marriage recently.

“So, I went on the defense and instead of just checking what you had to say or denying it and moving on I went to the worst possible conclusion. Said things I didn’t believe even as they left my mouth. And thus, for the second time since meeting you hurt you in a way that wasn’t okay in the slightest. And I understand that you may not want to work towards friendship. I like to think we were close to getting back or wanting to deal with me. I just want to apologize because you deserve one and I know I was in the wrong.”

What neither of them expected, least of all YN, was her to start crying again. Her head dropped onto his shoulder and she felt her body shake again as she let it out. Though she could tell he was confused by the way his body tensed, he didn’t say anything and simply rubbed her back gently as she cried it out.

About five minutes later YN spoke.

“You’re a fucking idiot and an asshole.”

Hyungwon laughed. “True. But you know what happened when you tried to get me to be nicer for that month. If we’re being honest you made me worse.”

YN laughed that time, remembering how Hyungwon spent every day being closely watched by her as he tried to not be snarky with people. By the end he’d given up and snapped on some annoying man that wouldn’t leave them be and she was sure she saw tears in his eyes as he ran away from the fuming Hyungwon.

He mellowed out after that, but when someone truly tried him he was a lot more than he used to be. YN marked that as a major fail and stuck to keeping him calm when he rightfully deserved to put someone in their place, which was oddly often at their school.

“Yeah, a mistake on my part. But at least I got you to start counting to ten before you unleashed yourself.”

“Ah yes, what a great help that is. Ten seconds longer of dealing with the idiots.”

They both laughed that time and when they pulled it together they talked. About everything in detail. Nothing was left off the table and by the end YN felt less weight on her shoulders.

By the time they were done about an hour and a half had gone by, meaning they’d been back in the room for over two hours and the bar was shutting down.

“I guess I should go help since I flaked on my shit at the end,” YN said as she got up from Hyungwon’s lap.

At first he nodded and got up too seemingly ready to follow her and the next he was giving her a look and grasping at her wrist.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“You need to talk to them.”

A groan escaped her immediately and her head tilted back as she blew out a puff of air.

“Nope. None of that. Talk to them. Tonight. And don’t be a stubborn brat and not let them finish what they have to say. I’m sure it would clear up a lot of things for her,” Hyungwon said.

There was no use in arguing because he would win and she knew he was right, even if she didn’t want to admit that to herself.

“Fine.”

And that was all it took for him to release her and take the lead on exiting the office. However, YN didn’t get the chance to leave right behind him. The moment Hyungwon was out, both Johnny and Yoongi stumbled in forcing her to take several steps back.

They both appeared nervous and disheveled, which helped calm YN for some reason. Though it didn’t get rid of all the feelings like she would’ve preferred.

“We need to talk. Now. We can’t keep putting it off,” Johnny blurted out.

If YN didn’t know how frazzled he got under pressure she’d be shocked by his actions, much like Yoongi who stared the man down eyes wide, but she’d known Johnny long enough to expect that kind of thing. What she was shocked about is how he didn’t dive into explaining right then and there.

Once she was sure he was done talking and that Yoongi had nothing to say she took over.

“We do need to talk. But it would be better not here. So, after we close up and at the apartment, yeah?”

That appeared to shock Yoongi more and Johnny too. They both probably assumed she’d be resistant or straight up tell them no. Things she debated on for half a second but couldn’t go through with.

“Okay,” they both said.

With that YN patted both of them on the shoulder and headed out to help.

About an hour after that everyone was done and headed out of the door. They said their goodbyes with the staff - and Hyungwon who hugged her while threatening what would happen if she didn’t give either man a chance to talk - then they got in a taxi to go back to the apartment.

Silence prevailed, which made YN awkward since she was sandwiched between them in the back seat, but she didn’t let it take over her. At least not too much. She held strong despite it and managed to make it out of the car and into the apartment without thinking of making a run for it.

The same couldn’t be said for either of the men though. YN hadn’t faced them until she was rid of her jacket and shoes and sat on the love seat, but the moment she did they froze. For a second they stared at each other both expressions unsure, but then they seemed to come to a consensus and finally fully entered the apartment, taking a seat on the couch.

Again, they were immersed in silence, but that only made things more tense.

“Go ahead,” she said.

Thankfully, they didn’t take long to react to that.

“We,” Yoongi started, pausing to look at Johnny before continuing. “We know we’ve done a horrible job at making things clear to you. We’ve been a little secretive and haven’t made the most effort in ensuring you were okay when we saw that something was off. It was a major fuck up on our part, one that could’ve prevented if I hadn’t been so stuck on keeping a certain timeline on how we should talk to you about this. And I’m starting to ramble when it was agreed upon that I would tell you so we could get straight to the point. And oh my fucking goodness, will I stop it already. Okay, basically we both want to date you.”

YN felt her entire body tense as confusion filled her.

“Excuse me?” she said.

That went unheard though.

“That’s not how we agreed you’d say it,” Johnny whined.

Yoongi scoffed. “It is. Well, not exactly but all the words I used were in the agreed upon statement.”

“Maybe, but you could have at least tried to eas-”

“Excuse me!” YN shouted.

That stopped Johnny and got both their attention.

“You don’t get to drop a bomb like that and then not elaborate. Especially to a very confused person whose last week has been trash. Explain yourselves.”

There was another silent moment of them staring at each other and then Yoongi gestured for Johnny to go ahead. Johnny rolled his eyes but turned his full attention to YN before speaking.

“What Yoongi said was true, we do both want to date you. But before you start to spiral and come up with your own conclusions let me fill in a few things. We’ve both known Yoongi for over a year now, you more than me. And he and I have always clicked despite how worried you were that he would slap me upside the head for being too friendly and getting in his space. It’s an easy kinda friendship we’ve had going, but then that day at the bar a few months ago we really clicked. I know we’ve been obvious about the attraction and it’s only built over time.

“The thing is we soon realized that both of us also feel something for you. Those feelings are from before we ever looked at each other that way and despite the growing feelings between us it was still there. Yoongi just about lost his shit when he realized and was very confused. And well, you know that most of my relationships have been poly, so it was nothing new for me. Though still kinda surprising because I thought I’d continue to live my life not acting on feelings for you I’ve felt for years.”

“I’m sorry what?” YN practically screamed.

The interruption earned her a glare which quieted her despite wanting an answer.

“As I was saying. I was planning to not act on them, but then suddenly someone else who I liked felt the same way for you as I did and it felt like a chance. That plus Hyungwon telling me I was an idiot for not realizing the crush you had on me before you got with dickwad back in college after he overheard me talking to Yoongi. But either way everything aligned and after I got Yoongi to accept that this was a viable option we started doing those group hangouts. To us they were test dates, but then we… well we…”

“We realized that we weren’t including you as much as we thought and could tell how third wheeling it felt,” Yoongi said.

Johnny nodded. “Yes, that. We failed to factor in as people who know each other, but don’t know each other and who are using those outings as dates we’d get caught up in each other. Which we realized but didn’t realize how bad until yet again Hyungwon overheard us. Told us we were idiots, because it was clear that you felt something for both of us and yet we were both going around acting like a couple in early days while dragging their friend who didn’t know we liked them around. And then we decided to fix things, but then the falling out with Hyungwon happened and nothing worked so we were unsure of what to do next besides maybe cornering you. So, yeah.”

With the way Johnny so abruptly ended that YN was left unsure of how to proceed. What had been said was a lot to take in. Not because it was wild or out of her comfort zone, but because despite feelings she’d had no time to process her own. She knew how she felt about them both, but she’d never allowed herself to linger on it too long to address how to handle things. And when she found herself finally admitting it things went to shit and she thought the only people she’d been interested in in years were on their way to dating each other without her ever having a real chance of seeing if either of them felt the same way.

Since YN hadn’t gotten that out of the way she definitely had no time to factor in any poly relationship. Like Johnny said she did know he was into it, but Yoongi wasn’t someone she knew well enough to know if he was down for that. He didn’t judge it, but not caring about how people lived their lives and actively participating were two different things.

Just the thought of having that conversation with him made her nervous despite it being more of what he would have done in the past and not in her present since she’d heard that he’d agreed with it. At least that’s what she thought they said. Her brain was frazzled.

“Hold on,” she finally said after minutes of silence. “So, I’m clear. You both want to date me and each other? You just failed to realize that you should’ve gotten to know each other better and go on dates alone, before trying to test out a poly relationship with me without my knowledge?”

“Yes,” Yoongi said while Johnny nodded.

Without warning pillows from the loveseat were in YN’s hands, she was standing, and said pillows were making contact with each male’s body.

“You. Two. Are. Fuckin. Idiots. How. Could. You. Not. Think. That. Through? What. Happened. To. Being. So. Got. Damn. Smart. Huh?”

Each word was spoken in time with the pillows swinging down on them. And though they squirmed they didn’t try to dodge or take them away from her. They let her keep going until she was satisfied.

Upon her clearly giving up her attack they both reach out and pull her down onto the couch so her body stretched out across them.

“Yes, we’re idiots. And we’re sorry about not thinking things through and telling you. But we’re idiots who are smitten with you and would like a chance to date you,” Johnny said, his hand moved to find the spot at the back of her head that she enjoyed being scratched. She didn’t even care that he was messing up her hair a little, just relaxed into the feeling.

“Ditto,” Yoongi said.

That drew glares from Johnny and YN, which he responded to by throwing his hands in the air in surrender.

“We are really sorry. And if you could let us date you, it would make me very happy,” he said.

His second response sated both of them and they relaxed back into their little moment. And as time ticked by they all grew more comfortable. There was more to talk about, but they cleared the space and it was clear they were all relieved. YN most of all.

Though she tried not to show it, YN felt giddy and wanted to giggle as she watched them both interact with each other and her. So much so that it slipped out when they both leaned over to press kisses to her cheeks. It seemed to amuse them, but she was so embarrassed she slipped away to change and scolded herself for the behavior. Not that she didn’t do it again when her mind replayed what happened.

They spent the rest of the night watching TV and eating food they’d ordered. It was peaceful and comfortable, so much so that they almost fell asleep on the couch.

Two in the morning rolled around before they all dragged feet to climb in Johnny’s bed and knock out. YN wanted to sleep on the outside of the bed, but ended up sandwiched between the both of them, not that she complained about it.

Once they were all comfortable they said their good nights and tried to sleep, but one adjustment by Johnny against her ass had YN slapping his arm.

“You cannot possibly be hard right now,” she whined.

Johnny pressed closer after that, grinding his dick against her ass more.

“You can’t possibly be calling me out on it right now as if it hasn’t happened before,” he mumbled.

“And both of you can’t possibly be having this conversation while I try to sleep. Go to bed before the next thing you’re both complaining about is how bruised and sore your asses are,” Yoongi chimed in.

Though it was meant as a means to shut them up all it did was elicit whimpers from both of them at the thought. That’s when Yoongi sat up and stared down at them and even in the dark they could see the smirk.

“Oh, you like that do you?”

They both nodded eagerly.

“Then strip.”

Neither of them had ever moved so fast in their lives and it was beyond worth it. Complaining was kept to a minimum the next day, but only because Yoongi took very good care of his babies and made sure to kiss their booboos all better.

[qvid-pro-qvo]

a southern education

rafael barba x female!reader. a series of moments during cases leads barba to learn a common turn of phrase from you, a detective on the squad.

word count: 4559

rating: teen, for endless teasing and the kind of contempt only the south can offer (canon-typical mentions of rape and violence, but frankly a whole lot of fluff, too, as well as an additional warning for the author knowing nothing about how law work besides what law and order tells me). 

-

It was like a different world, when you and Rollins got to chatting.

It was the way your accents got thicker, the way your laughter seemed to echo. There was always an inside joke, always a tease before you got paired off with Fin and Rollins inevitably found Sonny once again, words dripping with something sugary sweet as the two of you parted ways. The others didn’t get it, what you two would get so riled up about, but with you and her, it was like two peas in a pod.

It was just the South in the two of you. And yes, the capital ‘S’ was justified.

The South. Muggy nights and wretched summers and air thick with humidity and the mosquitoes that didn’t even give you a chance. Cicadas yelling as soon as the sun set and sitting out on porches drinking your beer or tooth-achingly sweet tea. Tipping hats and holding doors open and taking your sweet time. It made New York feel that much smaller, just two Southern girls trying to make it.

There were the shitty parts, too. There were the parts that make you and Rollins come to New York in the first place – the realization that women would never make it like men do, the suffocation of trying to fit into a box not made for you. So New York was far from home, but for good reason, and sometimes all of the South you need was hearing Rollins say y’all just as much as you.

Like now, for instance.

The newest case was a weird one, for sure, but at the center of it all was a young boy in the crossfire. Caught between his adoptive parents and the criminal enterprises his biological father was involved with. The squad was waiting for some food, and you, Barba, Carisi, and Amanda were all sitting around the wooden table, using the chairs to move from section of evidence to section of evidence.

“Poor guy just wanted a good home,” you said, looking at one of the pictures of him. It was a sweet photo, and you sighed before pushing the folder away from you. You moved to stand from the table. “Bless his heart.”

It came out of you without thinking, your voice somber, solemn. Rollins just nodded, because she got the gist, but Carisi just turned to look at you like you just grew devil’s horns.

“What does that mean?”

You looked up from the picture and met Carisi’s eyes. His brows were furrowed, and there seemed to be something tense in his shoulders.

“What do you mean?” you asked, looking amongst them. Barba was raising his brow, but his gaze was fixated on his notepad, his pen in his fingers as he scribbled something. “It’s just a saying.”

“Well, because Amanda says it to me sometimes,” Carisi said, and there was a twist to his lips, one you wanted to chuckle at. He looked so… solemn. “And usually she’s being sarcastic. I just don’t think what they did to this little boy is funny, that’s all.”

You glanced back at Amanda, and the two of you shared a look, smiling in that way you shared. She was hiding it behind her hand, and you turned back to the two men, ready to placate.

“Neither do I.” When I was saying that, I meant… that’s really sad, for him, and… y’know. Poor thing. Poor guy.” You lifted your hands, pointing to the picture. “I wasn’t being sarcastic, this kid is… he’s in a shitty situation. It’s kind of a catch-all. It’s about the intention behind it.”

“It’s a Southern thing,” Amanda finished, shrugging a bit. “It just means what you want it to mean.”

That seemed to soothe Carisi’s troubled soul enough, and you smiled at him before lifting completely from your chair, moving to get some more coffee. You asked the table if they wanted anything, and the only response was Barba lifting with you, and the two of you walked towards the coffee maker.

You didn’t mind the lawyer. Sure, the ADA wasn’t always your thing – after all, working with him could feel like you just ran a marathon – but Barba was good at his job and treated you all well.

Plus, if you happened to know your favorite combination of suit, tie, and pocket square that he wore, that was between you and God.

“I could’ve just gotten you something if you wanted, Barba,” you told him. “I know you like your coffee, even the bad stuff here.”

His smile was small, but it felt real enough, and you gave him a returning one, trying to ignore the thrill you got from the way he looked at you.

“You always add too much sugar,” he admitted, and you just rolled your eyes, smirking.

“And you always add too little, so. Maybe one day we’ll meet in the middle.” His little chuckle was cute, and you leaned against the little bar, glancing out the breakroom to where Carisi and Rollins were. “Today I won’t touch it, how ‘bout that?”

“I appreciate it.” He too glanced over to the other room, and you watched as Amanda seemed to explain something to Sonny, her hands circling a little as Sonny just shook his head at her. “So, blessing your heart? A common thing?”

“Oh, you have no idea,” you laughed, pouring a couple of cups and sliding one over to him to do as he wished. He just picked it up and sipped at it, the monster, but you added three sugars and stirred it plenty. “Trust me, sympathy isn’t always its message, but like I said. It can mean a little bit of everything.”

Barba just laughed again, shaking his head. “It seems innocuous enough. You’re telling me old women can weaponize blessing someone?”

That made your mouth twitch up, and you finished stirring your coffee with a flick of the plastic straw. With a little smile at him, you reached forward, turning him, getting close. You narrowed your eyes, pursing your lips a little. A once-over, eyes calculating, and he just stared, wide-eyed and brows creeping towards his hairline as you let out a little sound, putting all the condescension into it. And if your accent was a bit strong, well. You let it play.

“Oh, bless your heart. You just don’t understand. The South doesn’t pull punches.”

Your eyes didn’t break from his for a moment, and then you let out a little snort, shaking your head, moving past him. He seemed more than a little confused, and when you looked back he was just watching you, watching the way you walked toward the roundtable once more. You chuckled a little again, gesturing with your head towards Amanda and Carisi. 

“Oh, Northerners. Come on, Mr. Barba. No more blessing hearts today. I have a feeling this’ll be continuing education.”

-

You stood in Liv’s office a few weeks later, the two interrogation rooms on either side of you. In one, the victim, the other, the perp. A classic he-said, she-said, and you found yourself lingering on the perp’s side, watching as Carisi and Fin interrogated him. Their voices came through a little staticky, but you caught every word, your mouth twisting into disgust as you watched him spin a tale of woe.

“I did not do it,” he cried out, and his entire being reeked privilege. It was so easy to watch him pull every card out of the book, and watch the two detectives stand by, unimpressed. If he thought his charm and his smile would woo them, he was sorely mistaken.

“Look, you wanna know the truth, kid?” Carisi said, leaning back in his seat as Fin leaned against the window. Almost as if he knew you were standing by, watching. “We don’t give a rat’s ass who your father is, we don’t give a damn about your GPA. All we care about is what happened that night. So tell us what really happened now, and we won’t have to drag you out of your classes with our lights going.”

You huffed out a laugh at Carisi’s statement, which earned you a fellow lurker. Barba, there next to you. He normally didn’t get the cases this early, but with something like this he liked to hear everything from the beginning.

“Anything of value from him?” he asked, and you shook your head, turning to face him, one eye still on the interrogation.

“Nah, he’s just spinning his wheels. He thinks Daddy’s money can get him out of this bind, like every other one. Hasn’t caught the memo that we’re not that easy.”

Barba smirked, shaking his head. He turned to you, and his gaze lingered on your face, making you straighten a bit as he glanced back to the glass. “We certainly aren’t, detective. You’ll let me know the details later?”

Your brow raised. “Yeah, I can come by, if this isn’t something you’re gonna pass off to Callier. Course, I can fill her in, too.” It’d become an unofficial part of your job description, relaying the updates of the investigations to the D.A.s office when needed, trading off with Carisi. Mainly because the two of you liked going to see the counselor the most, for… different reasons.

Barba’s nod was short, and then he started migrating to the other side, where Liv and Rollins were in talking with the girl.

Suddenly, the whiny voice of the perp caught your attention.

“You can’t do this! My father won’t stand for it, do you hear me?”

Your nose wrinkled, and your little scoff was sharp enough to make Barba turn back, stop in his tracks. “Oh, bless his heart. He just doesn’t get it, does he?”

There was a warm chuckle from the other side of the room that made it your turn to look over, and you watched as Rafael Barba ducked his head, a hand lifting to cover his mouth as he did his best to look innocent.

“What’s so funny, Barba?”

When he glanced your way, the hand on his mouth lifted in surrender, the other sliding into his pocket. “Nothing. I just… think this is part of that continuing education you were talking about, detective.”

Your previous conversation came back to you, all of a sudden, and you watched as he chuckled again and pushed towards the interview room to watch Amanda and Liv.

“Trust me, you haven’t heard the last of it, yet,” you told him, and when he glanced over his shoulder he was smirking.

“I hope not.”

It was your eyes on him now, and you found yourself grinning and ducking your head before it became full-on staring, a warm feeling on your cheeks as Carisi and Fin came back into Liv’s office. You found yourself chuckling to yourself for the rest of the day, thinking about the way he looked while he smiled, at the way he laughed.

You wouldn’t mind seeing that smile more often, you decided.

Wouldn’t mind one bit.

-

The SVU squad room didn’t always leave you with smiles, of course. It was a lot of heartbreak, a lot of pain that circulated through interrogation rooms and interview sessions. A lot of sorrow, sitting in courtrooms and watching strong, powerful victims testify against their assailants.

A lot of pain. But… friends were a bright spot.

And slowly, Barba was becoming that, too.

Your role as the inbetweener was essentially official. More often than not you were accompanying Liv to One Hogan Place, the two of you in his office and trying to talk him into something (and him usually trying to talk the two of you out). A lot of times, you went on your own, making it just you and him standing on either side of his desk, discussing what could and could not be done in the eyes of the law.

It was still work, at that point, too. Because you could give him the details without skipping the important facts, could give it to him straight without hemming and hawing. You could defend your fellow detectives without taking it personally, knowing when wrongs were wrong and when to push.

And if those conversations started stretching longer, and if you found yourself lingering in his offices more and more, well. Amanda had permission to tease you about it in private.

But only in private.

In public, she could only send sly looks, looks you stubbornly avoided by meeting others’ gazes or looking down at your laptop.

Like in that moment, when Barba’s gaze met yours in his office, and the little nod he offered seemed enough to make your heart pound. A glance at Amanda, with her laugh behind her hand and head shaking, told you all you needed to know about how gone you were.

“Detective?”

Your gaze shot back to Rafael. This time his gaze wasn’t one of equals, but one of concern, his head tilted almost a little. And in that moment, you realized that he was asking you a question, that he had been nodding at you to answer…

“Sorry, sorry,” you scrambled, blinking a few times, trying to ignore the way Amanda kicked you under the small round table. “What was the question?”

“You’re the one who visited Miss Stevens last,” he said, pushing from his desk to stand up tall, walk towards you and your friend. “What’s your take?”

The interaction with your witness came back to you, and you grimaced a little at the thought of her taking the stand.

“Bless her heart,” you said, on instinct, shaking your head as you thought about her answers to the simple questions you asked her.

“That bad, huh?” the blonde said with a wince, and you nodded, sighing.

“Unfortunately.”

“What?” Barba’s brow raised with his question, and you realized that while Amanda got the gist, you were leaving the counselor in the dust for once.

Well. How to explain… politely…

You bit your lower lip a moment before speaking. “Miss Stevens is very… kind,” you offered, shrugging, “but her attention span is not the… greatest. A little… naïve, is the word I’d use, I guess.”

After a moment, Barba looked to Amanda, who just smiled sweetly. “I think what Y/N is implying is that, after talking with her, she realized that… uh.”

Nothing from Barba, who just looked between the two of you.

“Is what?”

It wasn’t worth the games anymore, even though the confusion on Barba’s face was hilarious. You turned to nod at Amanda, before leaning back in your chair, sighing.

“She’s, frankly, as dumb as a doornail.” When Southern politeness didn’t work, the next step was brutal honesty. “Which shouldn’t matter, but you put her up there –”

“And any defense attorney worth their salt would have her saying whatever they wanted her to,” Amanda finished. You reached over to pat her hand in thanks, and she just grinned at you, the two of you turning to the lawyer simultaneously. He didn’t answer immediately, eyes flicking back and forth between the two of you. 

“If you prep her really well,” you offered to him, “there’s a chance. But it has to be… really well.” You and your fellow detective stood, and as she moved to the door you just shrugged at the attorney.

“And you have doubt in my abilities to prep well?” Barba shot back, and you grinned at him. For the moment, Amanda was gone, just you and him and some verbal flirting to finish off the day.

You lingered in the doorway, and ignored the sound of Amanda’s foot tapping on the carpet. “I have doubt in her abilities to listen well.”

He just chuckled, shaking his head and letting out a breath. Whatever it took to finish a case. “All right. Well. I’ll figure it out. Thank you, for the extra lesson today. Three ways to use a phrase is… more than I was expecting.”

You chuckled, shaking your head at him, before an idea sprung to mind that made you pause before you turned out of the room.  

“Want me to call her in tomorrow? Bring her down to the precinct?” When he seemed to hestitate, you pushed a little. “She might be more comfortable with me there, and she’s already been to the precinct in one of our interview rooms. Might be best to introduce you at someplace she’s… familiar?”

Maybe you were hallucinating, but Amanda might as well have been on Mars. Because the smile Barba gave? It had to be all for you.

The case ended up finishing strong. Or, almost finishing. The tail end of the case found the two of you jogging out of the courthouse into a rush of cool fall winds, your noses going numb at the feeling as the sun started to set over the skyline.

“She did well,” you praised, hunching your shoulders against the cold. “Should never have doubted you.”

“Couldn’t have done it without New York’s finest,” he admitted, and when you glanced at him the only way to describe it was… mirth.

“Damn straight, counselor.”

Your steps were in time. No other detectives, no other lawyers, just the two of you making your way down to the street and relishing in the feeling of a well-fought battle.

“All that’s left is the jury,” you hummed. “Waiting’s always the hardest part.” 

“We could go grab a drink,” he offered with a little shrug. “Kill some of that time?” 

It was sudden, out of the blue. A moment that you were sure you imagined. “What?” you asked, turning to face him. You expected him to be staring out to the street, or up at the sky, but he was just staring at you, smirk ever-present and adding some sweet seduction to the offer.

“A drink. You, and me.”  

You tried to ignore that butterflies that suddenly took roost in your stomach, and the way your hand hastily went to your hair to make sure the wind wasn’t messing with it too much. “The case isn’t over yet, Barba. Are you sure you want to risk it?”

After a glance around the front steps, he stepped closer to you, smiling. He was wearing that bronze-colored wool coat, and you resisted the urge to reach a hand out, brush off imaginary lint. When he smiled, it was like his eyes lit up, the browns in the coat making the greens shine bright. 

“Then after the case,” he amended. “Once it’s over. Nothing to risk.”

He was serious. He wanted a drink. With you. You had to blink a few times, ducking your gaze to laugh. Amanda would get a kick out of this. Would probably also say that she told you so. “Hope you didn’t just push our luck saying that out loud,” you teased, but his smile didn’t waver when you met his eyes once more. 

“I mean it.”

It was that moment, you supposed. That moment when you looked at him and realized the counselor was looking at you the same way you knew you looked at him.

He was looking at you, and he was smiling, and you couldn’t get enough.

When you nodded, it was short, a little shy, your head ducking again as you pulled your own coat tighter around yourself, your hand tucking your scarf in to keep out the chill.

“Yeah, counselor,” you said. “I’d like that a lot, actually.” 

Then, because you couldn’t help it, you reached forward anyway, let your hand brush something off of his shoulder, flattened out the collar and let your fingers catch on the material. Smiled, as you looked at him.

“It’s a date.” 

-

You loved watching your boyfriend in his element. Because before almost anything else, Rafael Barba was a lawyer. And a damn good one.

The victims, plural, shared some vicious horror stories when they came into the squad room, some stories that they were brave enough to repeat on the stand. Rafael walked them through it, led them to places where they could share all of the details, and prepped them well for the defense’s return volley.

And considering that it was Buchanan, the victory was all the sweeter, especially since the perp was a scumbag who hadn’t wiped the smug look off of his face the whole trial.

Until today, of course. Rafael did his job, and you got the joy of catching his wink as he moved back to his seat, the perp’s words fumbling in his throat as Rafael trapped him in one lie after another. It was like music to your ears, and the sight of Buchanan putting his head in one had was visually just as sweet. 

“It isn’t over yet,” Rafael told you, meeting you at the doors once the jurors filed away, but you just shook your head.

“Not like you to be humble,” you laughed. “Come on, handsome. You know it was a good day.”

You relished in the way his eyes scanned you, the sight of the smirk on his face, the relaxed set of his shoulders.

“Let’s not jinx it. Just. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

You just chuckled, offered a brush of your shoulders to tide the two of you over, and together you started moving out of the courtroom. Only to be stopped by Buchanan, of course, whose voice made your spine stiffen.

“Just a moment, counselor.”

The two of you turned in sync, Buchanan meeting up with you right outside before the hallway. As the three of you stepped out of court, the tension you always felt between the two lawyers seemed heightened. Buchanan’s usual relaxed attitude was gone, replaced by a furrowed brow hestitation as he stepped towards the representative of the people.

“Well, that was quick,” Rafael sighed, and you bit your lip to keep from laughing.

“I want to discuss your offer. Rape Three, on both counts.” 

Rafael’s scoff was sharp.

“After what happened in that courtroom, I think we both know the deal has changed,” Barba shot back, raising a brow at the man in front of him. You couldn’t help the smirk on your face, glancing down to your shoes as Rafael talked to him. “Both counts of Rape Two, served consecutively, and I’ll consider only adding sexual misconduct for the Queens cases if he pleads guilty.”

“You call that a deal?” Buchanan scoffed, and your man just shrugged. “That’s barely a discount.”

Rafael didn’t back down, though, glancing towards the empty pews. “It’s better than two counts of Rape One, which we both know that jury is going to heavily consider. You had your chance for a better deal. It’s my final offer.”

The aghast look on Buchanan’s face was priceless. “Kicking me while I’m down,” Buchanan sneered, and you glanced up in time to see him direct his words at you. “Can you believe this guy? Punishing me for having an off day once in a while.”

It made your skin crawl. You hated the way he looked at you, and you found yourself lifting your chin to meet his gaze head-on.

“Well, bless your heart, Mr. Buchanan,” you told him, oozing fake saccharine from every pore. “Lord knows we all have bad days.” Your smile was tight, and he had the gall to return it.

“Look at that, Barba,” Buchanan said, nodding at you like your words actually meant something. “I think you should take a lesson from the detective here. No one likes a sore winner. Show a little courtesy, for me and my client.”

“My offer is final. Take it or leave it.”

Buchanan’s smile was tight, and he shook his head at the A.D.A. before turning away. “We’ll discuss it later today.”

“Is that a yes?” Barba called after him, and Buchanan visibly sighed, dropping his chin.

“I need to confer with my client,” he called back, and he turned a corner, vanishing in the maze that was the courthouse.

You shivered as he turned the corner, hating that you even thought about smiling at him.

“Suddenly decide to play nice with defense attorneys, cariño?” Rafael asked, his tone light as he watched all of your hatred finally show. You could tell he was teasing, that he knew the taste of your tone as well as any other.

“That, darlin’, was a good ol’ Southern fuck you,” you ground out, and Rafael’s hand lifted to rest on your back, turning you towards the elevator. You glanced toward him, as the two of you walked, and there was something like admiration on his face, a little smile that nowadays made you warm because you knew it was all for you.

“I don’t think anyone else gets you this riled up,” he teased lightly, and your eyes rolled even as your chin lifted. The doors opened, and the two of you were the only ones who got on. “And believe it or not, I could tell just what sentiment you were trying to get across.” When the elevator door closed his hands went to your shoulders, squeezing a little, fingers rubbing into the junction at your neck to work the muscle there.

“But I don’t think Buchanan did,” you laughed, the tension Buchanan always put in your shoulders leaking away as he continued to touch you, pulling you close for a kiss on your cheek before the doors slid open again.

“Eres una bendición,” he whispered to you, walking behind you as the two of you got off, and you turned to smile at him, raising a brow when he used a word you didn’t recognize. He just shook his head, threw a wink your way. “Meet me at my office?”

You chuckled a little, waving your hand, already missing the feeling of his fingers on your skin. “After work, of course.”

“Of course, counselor.”

-

(The sign of a good education was always that the student could put the lessons into practice. And Rafael was nothing but a good student. So in the end, it was meant to happen, and you were just lucky enough to witness it.

A night late night in his office, different paperwork wars being waged. An occasional tease from his desk thrown to your position on his couch, where you had set up shop.

Eventually though, the night wound down as it always did. The two of you sharing the couch, shoes off and feet tangled in the middle as he scribbled where he needed you, and your fingers typed away on your laptop.

The exhaustion was starting to get to you both though, and after your eyes crossed and blurred for the third time, you had to click save and close your laptop.

“I think I’m tapping out,” you groaned, leaning back against the arm of the couch. “Any longer and I’ll go blind from the blue light.”

“Not even midnight, cariño. Don’t tell me you’re giving up now,” Rafael teased, and you kicked his calf at the comment, eyes closing as you settled in, feeling the warmth of him on your legs.

“Unlike someone, I was sitting in a car to watch an apartment at dawn, so I think I have a good excuse.”

“Well, bless your heart,” he returned with a little verve, and your eyes shot open. Widened, as you sat up to stare.

It didn’t sound right in his mouth. His own New Yorker tone, his quick lawyer beat, it made it feel all jumbled up. Not enough oomph to really get the point across. But even as painfully wrong as it was, he said it, and that was what made your mouth stretch into a grin, made you scoot a little closer to him as he flipped through his own file, your laptop set (perhaps a little precariously) on the arm.

“What did you just say, counselor?”

It hit him the moment after you asked. Confusion washing over his features, and then realization, followed by something that looked a little like astonishment.

Maybe horror, but you didn’t hold that against him.

“Rafael,” you laughed. “I think your lessons in the South have ended, and I am the best teacher.”)

[flashbackharry]

Here, there and Everywhere

Best friends to lovers

5.4k words

Masterlist

Harry and you were best friends, have been since the beginning of your formative years, Harry has always been there. You were there before his X-Factor days. In fact he asked if you would take his shift at the bakery you both worked at, so he could go and audition. You were at work mopping when he asked you again. The begging has been going on for a few days now. Harry offered to do the most peculiar things for you. “I can teach you how to play guitar so when I become famous you can go on tour with me’’

You laughed, you were only 16 then, but his piercing green eyes and unrelenting ambition got the best of you and you huffed a “Fine” before grabbing the mop from his hands, he grinned and scooped you into his arms.  Little did he know you would've said yes regardless.

“You’re locking up right?” He asked. You slowly nodded.

“I'll be by tomorrow night to let you know how it went.” He said, kissing your cheek and walking out the door.

***

Your whole body was aching. It was a long day of being on your feet and your brain was exhausted from having to use your customer service voice all day. You had just finished sweeping the floor and putting the money in the safe. It was half past 11. Harry said he’d come by. But It was getting late and the boss liked the store to be completely locked up by 12. You waited a little more before leaving him a  voicemail and grabbing your things and walking towards the door. Right when you turned the lights off you heard rapping at the door. It was Harry. You tried to gauge what he was feeling just by looking at his facial expressions but it was dark, the only source of light was coming from a singular lamppost outside.

You pointed to the “Sorry We’re Closed” sign on the window and pouted, gesturing to your imaginary watch that it was after hours.

“Haha, let me in.” He said, his voice muffled because he was outside the glass.

You unlocked the door and he stood there, staring.

“So?” You said, biting your lip, nervous for him.

What happened next happened so fast you couldn’t relay it.

One minute he was staring at you, the next your body was half way in the air, held together by Harry's arms wrapped tightly around your torso while he simultaneously screamed,

“I got through! I’m gonna be famous!”

You begged Harry to put you down through a fit of giggles. You put both your hands on his cheeks, grabbing his face. He looked longingly into your eyes.

“I’m so so proud of you bub.” You said, hugging him again.

“Ready to go?” he asked, once you pulled back from the hug.

“No quite.” You shrugged your coat off and set your bag down on the floor. You grabbed his hand and led him into the kitchen. You led him to a stool and ordered him to sit. He did, his eyes never leaving your figure. You rummaged all the cabinets and found two champagne glasses, you went to the fridge next and found some cheap wine. You poured the glasses halfway and handed him his.

“Tonight? We celebrate.” You said, clinking his glass against yours.

You both got drunk that night. Taking the glass with you after locking the store up. You walked the streets late, stumbling and giggling.

“Don’t forget me when you're famous.” You said, pausing once you both realized you were outside your house.

Harry narrowed his eyes, “Can't forget you when you're right beside me.” You smiled at that and hugged him goodnight. You pulled away first, again, there was that pause. You looked at his lips, and bit yours. He narrowed his eyes again, a pout forming on his lips. You were drunk, and exhausted and needed some sleep.

“Good night Styles.” You said, letting him go fully and walking up your driveway to your house.

“Night.” Harry said, his voice laced with confusion. You turned around. You saw him look at the ground, kick a few rocks and walk away, it wasn’t until his shadow was no longer visible did you go back inside.

***

You smiled sadly at that memory now. Heartbroken. That was 4 years ago and today you just found out the girl you've been with for the past year was cheating on you the whole time. You called Harry and when he heard one word spill from your trembling lips, he said he was on his way. You’ve just been balled up on the couch now, reminiscing and trying not to leave her a nasty voicemail, but you couldn’t find it in your heart to even do that. Not sure if it was the surprise of the fact you’ve been lied to this whole time, or that you believed all those lies.

A knock at the door pulled you out from your thoughts. You went to open it and it was Harry. One look at him and your shoulders sunk, you sighed and tears threatened to spill again.

“C’mere.” Harry whispered. Pulling you into a hug. He closed the door behind him with one hand. You stood in the front entrance, underneath the light. It was late.

“Have you eaten anything today?” He asked, his voice sounding concerned.

“Do Cheez-Its count?” You asked looking up at him. Underneath the light, his features seemed more enhanced. His eyes were more prominent, maybe it was because of the situation at hand, but he looked sadder.

“Lets go.” He said. Grabbing your coat off the coat rack, putting it on you.

“Where?” You asked.

“To get some food.” He said, motioning you to put your shoes on.

You did and in 10 minutes, you were walking the streets of London late at night.

It was difficult finding a place that was open so late and so after walking in circles for a bit, you both stumbled on a Chinese Restaurant that was doing take out only. It would have to suffice.

You placed your orders by the window and stood outside waiting. It was chilly out but then again it always was chilly here. After grabbing your food, you and Harry walked across the street to the park and found a picnic table and sat down across from each other.

“How’d you find out?” He said after you guys sat and ate in silence for a little bit. You were just pushing around the food with your fork now, already a bit full.

“The other girl she was cheating on me with found my number in her phone and asked if I was the other girl.” Harry winced like it physically pained him to hear it.

“Ouch, I’m so sorry Y/n. I never got the best vibes from her.” He said, grabbing your hand over the table, running his thumb across yours.

“Yeah.” Was all you said. You sat in silence again.

“Did you love her?” Harry asked, his eyes searching yours.

“I think I was beginning to. Oh God, am I that stupid? Why didn’t I see it?”

“Hey, none of that. None of this is your fault. She's the shitty human being who fucked up, not you, okay?” Harry said, his voice rising a little.

When you didn’t respond again, Harry began to rummage in your bag. He grabbed the journal he gifted you a couple years ago for your birthday, you never left the house without it. He ripped out two pages and pulled out two pens he found in the bottom of your bag. You lifted your head, your eyebrows pulled together in confusion. He slid the paper and pen to you.

“We are going to write letters addressed to people we’ve loved in the past and then burn them.” He said, pen in hand, already beginning to write the first sentence.

“This is dumb Haz.” You said, grabbing the pen anway, beginning to write.

“Shhh no talking.” He said.

After writing in silence for about 15 minutes Harry looked up and asked if you were done, you met his eyes and nodded.

He took out the lighter he had in his coat pocket and lit it.

“Wait! Who did you write about?” You asked questioningly. Your mind going through his past lovers.

“Not important.” He said before lighting it again.

“No!” You yelled, walking over to his side of the table and standing beside him, trying to grab the paper. He held it out of your reach. You got on his lap, trying to pull his arm down so you could grab it. Harry crumbled it in his fist, getting up. He was a good 6 feet away from you now.

“Harry that's not fair, you know who I’m writing about.” You said whining a little, hoping he'd fall for it.

“It's not important bub, I’m trying to move on that's all.”

“But you tell me everything, we said no secrets.” You said, actually disheartened now.

“Fine, wanna know? It's Felicity, from year 9 remember? She really did a number on me.” He said, smiling. You weren't having none of it.

“I’ve been lied to enough, Harry, not you too.” You grabbed your things and started walking in the other direction. Harry's entire mood shifted. He ran after you.

“Wait! Y/n, wait up.” He was in front of you now.

“Its you, okay? He huffed. His eyes searching yours.

You looked at him. Not knowing what to do. Your heart hitched in your chest.

“It was when we were younger, when we both worked at the bakery. I had a thing for you..but you never reciprocated so I gave up.” He said in a shaky breath. You remember. You liked being his friend, in fact he was your only friend and you knew it was going to be something so special that you'd never want to lose, so you didn’t risk it. Didn’t want to.

“Obviously I don't feel that way still. You’re my best mate Y/n, I would never.” He said quickly when he noticed you weren’t saying anything. You didn't know why you were hurt by that last statement but you couldn’t help the aching you felt in your heart right now. Anyhow, you quickly shook the feeling and grabbed the lighter from his pocket, setting flame to the letter in your hand. Once you saw the ashes die down and turn into dust, you handed the lighter to Harry.

“You don’t wanna read it?” Harry asked, his voice sounding surprised.

You shook your head.

“Do you want me to?” You asked. You figured whatever he said in that letter could unravel something in both of you and suddenly you were regretting guilt tripping him into telling you.

Harry didn’t respond, instead he just took the lighter from your hand and set the paper alight.

The walk back to your flat was a silent one. Harry spent the night on the couch and you were afraid this was only the beginning.

***

One Year Later:

You never saw Harry so down. He was in the studio, Jeff left the two of you alone. Said you were best at getting him to come up with lyrics. The wound of leaving a serious relationship was still fresh and it wore on Harry heavy. It hurt you to see him so sad, but you knew he needed to be in this state- so vulnerable, it was when he got his best work done.

“Harry?” You cooed from below him. He was sitting on the couch and you were sat criss crossed on the rug, a journal in your lap as you wrote down the ideas that came flowing out of him.

“I know it's tough, but we have to put a dent on the final song today. You're so close. Just write what she made you feel.” You finished.

He looked down at you, and leaned forward.

“Temptress.” He said through gritted teeth. You jotted that down quickly in your journal. Progress.

You worked diligently for the next 2 hours, and may or may not have had a mini dance break to Fleetwood Mac, which in hindsight helped immensely .

“Harry I think you're done…” You said slowly, trying to suppress your smile.

“We're done?” Harry asked.

“Yeah you've got a great bridge, you got down the chorus, you still have to figure out the instrumental part but-” You were cut off by someone's lips on yours.

Harrys.

You were surprised at first. Then you realized your best friend was kissing you. And you were kissing him back. You couldn’t imagine how many times you had imagined this. Then you remembered you were fucking kissing your best friend.

You put your hand on Harry's chest and broke the kiss.

“Harry.. We can’t” You said softly.

“Why not, we've never in the past because there was always someone else, now there's no one else.”

“Wait what?. We can’t because you're my best friend. And you're sad, and just ended a very serious relationship and I’m not your fucking rebound, I’m your best friend.” You said, getting up off the floor. Harry also got up, you could tell he was getting revved up.

“You know we are definitely more than friends Y/n don’t fucking lie to yourself ” He said. You were grabbing your things and he took them from your hands and threw them back down on the groud, taking your hands in his, shaking you a little.

“Look at me and tell me you don’t love me Y/n” He said, his voice shaking.

You pushed him off you and stepped away.

“It's not that I don’t love you, its that I can’t be the one to mess this up, I don’t wanna lose you and I know me and I know you and we will fucking crash and burn Harry.” You bent down to try and grab your things again and this time Harry didn’t stop you. Tears began to slip from your eyes and you wiped away at them while you were putting your remaining things in your bag, your hands shaking.

You felt a gentle hand close over yours. Harry picked your bag up, and grabbed your hand to help you up off the floor. You took your bag from him slowly.

“Will we be okay?” You asked, your voice breaking.  

Harry gave you a small smile.

“We’ll be alright.” He said, and with that you walked out.

***

It's been one week since the kiss that transpired between you and Harry in the studio room.

You talked over the phone later that night and although awkward at first, it was a conversation you needed to have.

You both listed all the reasons why the two of you dating would be a bad idea.

“If things got bad between us I’d have to stop seeing Anne and I don’t think I’m ready to give up Anne.” You said and Harry laughed softly.

“If things got bad between us” Harry started,  “I think Mitch might actually choose you over me.” and it was your turn to laugh.

You went on like that for a little while longer, the sun was about to rise when you both got done talking.

“I’m sorry, you were right. I rather have you in my life as my best friend than not at all.”

You paused and thought about what to say next.

“I love you H, good night.” You said sleepily and hung up.

Things felt different, because they were different, but like Harry said, you’d be all alright.

***

It's been 6months now since the rift in your friendship with Harry happened. From a complete outsider's perspective, you guys were the same, nothings changed. But between the two of you, things were..off.

Harry stopped coming over as much and he struggled with ways to show you affection. Before, he’d hold your hand constantly, kiss you on the cheek, lay his head on your shoulder whenever he got the chance. Now? You were lucky if you got a hug goodbye. Your close friends, however were beginning to catch on that something was wrong.

“Are you sure guys are okay?” Mitch pulled you aside one day while you were over at Sarah's place.

“Yes, we're fine Mitch, I promise.” You said raising your eyebrows back when he raised his.

“Okay...only asking cause he seems.. Different. Sad.”Mitch said softly.

Your heart sank.

“I'll talk to him.” Was all you said.

You were also trying to move on from him, trying not to think about him. You loved him but what else could you do? He initiated that kiss, he burnt that letter to you 6 years ago, he said things would be alright and they were far from it now.

Which is why when Ezra, the sound guy from the studio asked you out on a date, you said yes.

You got dressed, feeling nervous but not because you were about to go on your first actual date in 4 years, but because one way or another, Harry would find out and you weren’t sure you were ready for that.

“Oh how pretty! Someones got a hot date huh?” Sarah said from the couch where she was snuggled in Mitch's neck. Harry must’ve been in the bathroom. You figured this was your chance to leave before he came out.

“Thank you! Gotta go! Wish me luck!” You said and with that you were out the door.

***

After your date, Ezra walked you back to your flat, he leaned down to give you a kiss, you panicked and he ended up kissing your cheek. You started blushing and he looked down, confused.

“Goodnight” You said, biting your inner cheek and unlocking the door to your flat.

“Night.” He called after you and began to walk away.

You turned around, hoping he too would turn around. He didn’t.

The date wasn’t bad, he was nice and knew a lot about music which you admired. Reminded you of Harry. You cursed yourself for already comparing him to Harry but you couldn’t help it. Harry infiltrated every part of your life. You slipped your heels off, sighing at how good it felt, and walked into your kitchen to grab something to drink.

You and Harry already talked about what would happen if you were to be together, but now that you felt deprived of the usual love he encompassed you with, you wondered if it was worth the risk. You were miserable without him, and was this the friendship you worked so hard to salvage? A friendship where you couldn’t even look each other in the eye for more than a minute without looking away, a friendship where he couldn’t even hold your hand. Maybe you guys were always destined to be more than friends.

A knock at the door pulled you away from your thoughts. Maybe it was Ezra returning to give you a proper kiss.

You opened the door, and Harry's face appeared, his eyes were glossy, almost as if he had been crying before, and he smelled of liquor.

“Ezra? Really Y/n? My fucking sound guy!” He said angrily, slamming his hand on the door as he got the last part out

“Harry, I-” You started but he cut you off.

“No, Y/n, you always said it was about not ruining our friendship but fucking look at us! We’re miserable! I’m gonna make this easier for the both of us. We’re done, whatever this” He said gesturing between the two of us. “Was.” He walked away after that. Tears were falling from your eyes now, you called after him but just like Ezra-just like he did when he got back from X-factor all those years ago, he didn’t look back.

You went back into your flat and slammed the door, not caring it was nearly 2 am, and sunk to the floor.

***

You hadn’t seen Harry in two months since he came to your apartment drunk and severed your friendship.

Not even a peek at him in two months. Whenever your friends invited you to things, your first question was always, “Will Harry be there?” If they said yes, you politely declined the invitation.

“You can't avoid him forever. You’ve known him since forever, he's your best friend.” Sarah whined. You were sitting around the dining table making art collages.

“I can damn well try. He wanted this, I’m just respecting his wishes.” You said, suddenly angry.

“Well, do you know what next friday is?” She asked slowly.

“Cinco de Mayo?” You furrowed your brows in confusion.

“No..” She said, raising her eyebrow at you.

You paused a moment to think. Then it hit you.

“Oh! It's your birthday!” You exclaimed.

“Yes, and I’m inviting the both of you and you're both coming.” The air suddenly left the room as you processed what she just told you.

“It's your birthday so I won't make it about me and my melodrama but just know, I hate you so much right now.” You said getting up and placing a strand of her behind her ear.

“I love you too.” She called after you, laughing.

You spent the next week pacing your floorboards till they had a distinctive creak to them.

***

Sarah's birthday party was a weekend getaway at her parents beach house.

You sat in the backseat, Mitch was driving and the birthday girl was in the passenger seat.

You pulled into the house's driveway, it was a modest size house, the most beautiful part of it was the ocean it overlooked a few feet away. You've always had a fascination with the ocean, it always brought you peace. It was dusk the sun was setting and it’d be night soon.

You walked into the house, you had packed a small bag considering you'd only be here for two days max. You took the room in the attic, it was recently renovated so it didn't look much like an attic but you liked how you still had to pull the stairs down to get up there. You were tired but you felt gross so you brought a change of clothes with you and hopped in the shower, hoping the hot steam would clear your mind.

After your too long of a long shower, you realized you couldn't stay up here during the entirety of your stay, that would make Sarah sad and today was all about her. So you swallowed your pride and went downstairs where everyone was, music was playing and you heard the clashing of plates. Dinner.

You walked in and everyone was around the table. Mitch and Sarah sat side by side, Jeff was there with his wife, Charlotte and Adam were there as well as their dates. And Harry.

He sat next to Mitch, on the opposite side of Sarah. He was teasing them about something because Mitch was pushing his hand away from his hair and rolling his eyes playfully.

“Ah, look who's done from the longest shower ever.” Sarah said, giving you a smile.

You smiled and walked over to take a seat at the other end of the table. You felt Harry's eyes follow you to your seat. The whole room was watching the small exchange between the two of you. You've never felt so uncomfortable in a room with the people you loved the most. You wanted to go back upstairs and crawl under the covers. Your hair was still damp and you had on jeans and a t-shirt you were covering with a zip up hoodie, still you felt bare.

Adam fixed you a plate and gave you a small reassuring smile, you returned it and ate slowly.

The remainder of the night was spent laughing and storytelling, eventually someone suggested we get a bonfire going and now you were all walking down towards the water. Adam and Jeff got the fire going and you helped carry some pillows and blankets down. You all gathered around the small fire. You sat across from Harry. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was a calming one and maybe it was the alcohol working but you felt less tense. Harry had a guitar in his hand and was strumming it lightly. The glow of the fire illuminated his face and he looked so beautiful, you felt your heart strings tug, you swore at yourself underneath your breath and shook your head.

“Any requests?” Harry called out over to the group.

“Beatles. Eleanor Rigby?” Jeff asked.

“Mhmm I dont know that one on guitar.” Harry admitted, his eyes scanning everyone.

“Let it be?” Adam asked, he was poking a stick at the fire.

“So we're sticking with The Beatles?” Harry said, pulling his phone out to search their discography.

“Here, There and Everywhere?” You asked.

Harry's head snapped up, his eyes met yours, he just held it and parted his lips as if to say something but nothing was coming out. He slipped his phone back into his pocket and grabbed the neck of the guitar, tuning it. You thought he was ignoring you but then minutes later, the beginning strum of the song played softly. You listened softly. Everyone joined in on the “Oooo” parts of the song and Harry sang beautifully.

This was you an important song to you. It was played on car rides at night and on momentous occasions as well as when you had trouble falling asleep, Harry would hum this song in your ear and you’d fall asleep almost instantly.

“There, running my hands through her hair

Both of us thinking how good it can be

Someone is speaking

But she doesn't know he's there”

“I want her everywhere

And if she's beside me I know I need never care

But to love her is to need her everywhere”

…

“Each one believing that love never dies

Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

“I will be there

And everywhere

Here, there and everywhere”

Harry's eyes never left yours during the entire duration of the song. It was painful to keep his gaze, wanting nothing more than to break it. Slow tears were streaming down your eyes now. You didn’t even bother wiping them away. Harry's eyes were also watery. When the song ended, Harry kept his hand on the guitar, he looked down now and you couldn’t do it anymore. You excused yourself and started walking in the opposite direction. Your shoes were off and the sand felt nice.  

You walked until the fire was merely a small speck in the distance. You sat down, close to the water but no too close so the water hit you. You pulled your knees to your chest. You saw a figure walking towards you, it was Harry. He must've also excused himself and walked away minutes after you did. He had his hands in his trouser pockets. He looked conflicted.

He leaned down and occupied the space next to you.

He put his hand in your lap, his palm out. You looked down at it, pausing before lacing your fingers through his. He pulled your hand to his lips and kissed it before guiding it to his lap.

“I’m sorry.” You said.

“I’m sorry too.” He said, his eyes piercing yours.

“How did we end up like this?” You cried out, letting out a pathetic laugh while lifting your head up to the sky.

“I don’t know,I do know that I've missed you.” Harry said. You looked at him, holding his gaze, your eyes looked over his face. The bags under his eyes were darker than usual. 2 months is a long time to not look at someone's face. You decided to just say the thing that's been on your mind this whole time.

“Harry?” You whispered, leaning your head on his shoulder, your hand still in his lap. He was playing with your fingers absentmindedly.

“Mhmm” He murmured, you felt his voice rumble through to youyour chest because of his proximity.

“I love you so much. And I think it's taken me so long to admit that we are just more than just friends because I didn’t want to lose you but maybe it just means I get to love you in a different way. I think we could be more, and if you're willing to try...I would like that.” You lifted your head from his shoulder and pulled yourself into his lap. A leg hanging from each side. You held his face into your hands. He was smiling softly, looking as if he were about to cry any second now. He slowly nodded his head and you felt your hands move.

“Yes, I would like that.” He said, biting his lip.

“May I?” You whispered against his lips, a breath away from kissing him. Harry didn't answer. Instead he closed the gap between the two of you.

Your lips met and danced in a paced and calculated  manner. His tongue wrestled with yours. It was warm and you could taste the bitter sweet alcohol you both had consumed earlier. You pulled away only ever to catch your breath. This was nothing like the kiss you shared almost a year ago, no this one wasn't rushed, this one wasn't a surprise but in a sense, it also was because you weren't just kissing your best friend, you were kissing the great love of your life, your soulmate, the only person you ever wanted to be with. As if making up for lost time, you kissed if this would be your last. Harry pulled away ever so slightly to bite your bottom lip and he moved to your neck, your arms were wrapped around his neck and he put one hand on your neck and the other on your waist only to move you to the sand as he hovered above you, all while his mouth never left your lips or neck.

A sudden noise pulled you two away from each other, you let each other go and looked off into the distance. They were all walking back to the house. Harry crashed on top of you and let out a laugh. He rolled over until he was also laying down in the sand. You were looking up at the sky, smiling to yourself and trying to catch your breath when you felt two hands pull you close to their chest. Harry kissed the top of your forehead.

“I’m so glad we waited all those years, that kiss almost made all the agony worth it.” Harry said, chuckling.

You smiled and put a hand to his chest.

“We should go back, they probably think we killed each other or something.” You said, starting to get up. Harry pulled you back into him.

“Lie here with me, I wanna remember this some more.” He whispered. He looked peaceful and content, you were happy you were the reason. You obliged, placing a kiss behind his ear.

You sat watching the sky and listening to the sound of the waves. It was a while before anyone said anything, your breathing was in sync. Then Harry spoke again.

“Wait, you're not still with sound guy right?” Harry asked, pretending he forgot his name.

You laughed and pinched his side before answering.

“Ezra and No, I wouldn’t kiss you if I was still in a relationship.” You said and Harry smiled at how kind you were.

“Remember that letter I never read about me that you burned?” You asked.

Harry nodded.

“You said you were just trying to move on. When did it start though, when did your feelings about me change?” You breathed that last part out quickly.

“Uh I think it was when I got back from my Audition, we had that little celebration in the kitchen. You believed in me so much and I remember thinking how I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with you. What about you, when did it start?” He asked, running his finger gently across your arm.

“I had feelings for you that night at the bakery but it didn’t solidify until we were in the park that night we wrote the letters, when I knew you at least at some point felt some way about me.” You said, your heart fluttering at the fond memory.

“Can I be honest?” you said, sitting up now.

“‘Always.” He said, his expression matching yours in seriousness.

“I’m worried we’re not gonna be compatible the same as we were when we were friends.” You said sheepishly, drawing circles in the sand with your finger.

“Where you the person I was just kissing? Did you see that chemistry?” Harry asked, lifting your chin with his finger so you’d meet his eyes. When you were starting to tear up again he pulled you into his lap again.

“Hey, were gonna be alright. This time I mean it. I’ve got you and I don't intend on letting you go.”

You grabbed his face again and planted a kiss to his cheek, then his other cheek, then the tip of his nose and finally to his lips. You murmured a low “We’ll be alright” to his lips.

[mushroom-cartel--writing]

to be [a]sundered

Summary: Kugisaki Nobara is blessed. She will never know.

Relationship(s): Kugisaki Nobara & Reader, Kugisaki Nobara/Reader

Note(s):

Here’s the link to read this on AO3! (You know the drill, extra tags, different notes, the format I intended, etc. Oh. And the comment section.)

There’s manga spoilers in this fic alongside headcanon.

So far, out of my menial amount of JJK fics, this one has probably been the most enjoyable to write. With Nobara’s background I can play around because it’s just there.

|||

“I’m going to Tokyo,” she says. Come with me.

“No.” Can’t, sorry.

Mahito touches her soul.

Kugisaki Nobara is blessed.

She will never know.

The first time she introduces you to her friends, Saori nearly gouges your eye out with a sugar spoon and Fumi spills the contents of her cup across the table.

“I have cake,” you say, offering a cutesy box to Saori who’s still got the sugar spoon trained on you. “It’s baumkuchen. An old acquaintance gave it to me for free but I figured it’d be too much for just one person.”

Nobara, giggling, just offers you a seat and asks for more tea.

On the outskirts of the village there is a shrine.

They say it houses a god that blessed their lands long ago and watches over them to this very day; they hold a celebration in its honour every year, a small share of the harvest season’s best crop is offered up to appease the god.

Her grandparents say it houses a malevolent wonder-terror who feasts on the soul of its worshippers once the sun goes down; her grandparents say the aforementioned god and malevolent wonder-terror are one and the same, born from a wish made by humans.

You laugh when she tells you the crap people have come up about your home. (You appreciate the free food, though.)

You are not a god or something malevolent. You’re you.

Not quite divine but too powerful to sniff at.

Humans cannot see or sense you. Not even those who can bottle their negative energy, the ones you occasionally see passing through the village. Usually, you have to will yourself into existence. But she can regardless.

Spirits, the weak and strong, good nor bad, fear you. Your presence sets their survival instincts off, running immediately when you try to approach them. She has to give chase and incapacitate them for you when the hunger becomes agony.

You taught her well, it seems.

Too well.

Mahito touches her soul and it burns, burns, burns.

-

Kugisaki Nobara was barely old enough to be out on her own, but her grandparents trusted her to stay safe. The village was small, everyone knew each other, word spread fast, so if something happened to her on her small excursion… Well, no one would come looking for her, would they?

It was a lie when she said she was just going out to play with friends at the park.

Nobara didn’t have friends.

All the other kids were boring. She didn’t like their company. Whenever there was a big gathering, she’d try her best to avoid them and hide from the adults in bushes.

Despite knowing this, her grandmother let her go.

She hated being cooped inside with nothing to do and today was perfect! The humid air made her clothes stick to her skin but at least the wide-brimmed straw sunhat she snatched from her grandfather’s shed protected her from the sun’s wrath. It meant her peers would be over at the river halfway across the village; people wouldn’t go back to working on their fields until it cooled down a bit later in the day; they wouldn’t see her; and she’d be on her lonesome.

She wanted to laugh to herself. Everything was coming together.

Finally, she could check out that place she’s been meaning to visit ever since she first heard of it: the derelict shrine.

Her grandmother warned her to stay away from it, lest she give her name away by accident to the being living there and have her life stolen, but Nobara, inwardly, thought it was a load of cow dung. She’d die? Hah?! It was all superstition! (She would never admit it did spook her a bit.) Besides, things like vampires and witches and ghosts didn't exist in the first place. She’d be fine.

Humming with a skip in her step, Nobara made it to the shrine in due time.

“Hello?”

“Why hello there!”

She took everything back.

You had to be a ghost with the way you snuck up on her soundlessly. You kept insisting you weren’t. You glided along the floor.

You had to be a ghost. And now you were serving her snacks and tea. Inside the shrine. Inside what was, supposedly, your home.

“Why don’t I believe you?” she voiced aloud.

You stared at her, face deadpan, and poured hot water over your hand. She watched your skin scald. “Does this answer your question?”

Kugisaki Nobara at five years old was a bit of a skeptic, contrary to her personal beliefs.

“No. Not really.”

-

11:25 PM →

You emerge from the gaping hole where her left eye was blown out alongside a good chunk of her head, something writhing and fierce and oh-so familiar.

Ah. Right. This feeling; this foreign dread dawning upon him, piercing Mahito innermost; your dull but irritated eyes trained on the cursed spirit akin to a lizard eyeing up a cockroach. You’re like him, possessing a soul that absolutely cannot and should not be touched.

Shit—that means she too—

Hahahahaha.

You don’t even need to spare him another glance. You know what he’s thinking. You know what he’s done.

You won’t be as lenient with him as Sukuna was.

But here’s the thing. Although a student may surpass their teacher one day, the teacher might not relay all that they know to the next generation to ensure the safety of their student and those around them. However, Mahito is nothing to you. Itadori Yuuji, on the other hand, is important, so you grab him and throw the boy behind you.

“Reverberate,” you intone, bearing the exact same wounds as her.

His senses are heightened a thousandfold, but not nearly are they even close to yours.

You shove a nail of hers into yourself, saying, “Plunge.”

It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, ithurtsithurtsithurts, hurtshurtshurtshurtshurTshURtsHURTS.

“Quietus.”

“We’re soulmates, you and me.”

She bursts out laughing. “Like from those cheesy dramas?” Nobara asks. Because. She needs to know. Whenever she’s around you, everything feels… right. It’s hard to articulate. Her heart doesn’t rush when you graze her skin but the particular spot where contact was made always tingles with a reassuring warmth; you’re real, not a fabrication of her imagination. She doesn’t fantasise about you like the way her peers do with the object of their affections. Your very presence makes her comfortable. “Are you having second thoughts?” she jeers, poking you hard in the ribs. (She’s still bitter about your decision.)

The intended jab has no effect.

“No,” is your reply. “What I mean is that your soul and mine are the same. If something happens to you, I’ll know.”

“What? You think I’m gonna be some part of a demonic summoning ritual where I’ll be a human sacrifice?”

“Time and distance makes no difference.”

“So if I just say the word…?”

“That… that’s not what I…” You sigh and scrub the gunk from your eyes.

How are you supposed to explain the whole situation to her?

Oh, yeah, about a couple aeons ago there was a being who tore themself in two—one part immortal, the other mortal—in order to understand their reason for existing. Their immortal self would be stagnant and observe their mortal self who would continuously live, die and reincarnate, until the latter, under their own volition, sought the former out and then a conclusion would be made between the two on whether or not they would remain as separate entities or rejoin together as one again.

Your original self (you and her; her and you) wasn’t great at planning ahead, that is plain to see. They didn’t think about the consequences, they just wanted an out. And fast.

Well look at you now. Distorted beyond reason. You’re an exercise in self-destruction. You stopped considering it being a miracle that you could wake up every morning by yourself and do what you wanted: the novelty was short-lived. You want to die but you’re at the point where it’s easier to convince yourself you do not than to focus on how you will off yourself somewhere that no one (and nothing) can find your undecayed corpse because the company you keep will become worried if you let the happy facade slip.

“Never mind,” you mutter.

-

She was ten when she first saw the skull.

It tumbled from your billowing sleeve as you rummaged around your pockets, rolling to a stop at her feet.

She lifted it up. “Whose is this?”

It was a weird skull, not like those she’d seen in her textbooks. She thought of asking Fumi about the skull later, when school started back up, but the idea was literally snatched from her mind when you saw exactly what she was holding.

In your hands, the skull seemed smaller. Inconsequential. Another another weird quirk of yours: carrying around random things. Maybe it was a model? You told her to forget about it and stowed the skull away—back into your sleeve—and dragged her along the beaten path you insisted on walking.

The next time, she was thirteen and helping you clear up your home. Fumi was there too.

They’d been going through a closet stuffed full of old junk and out the skull tumbled, right into Fumi’s lap. Rightfully so, her friend screamed. It took you several minutes to calm the poor girl down, her view of you now askew. Nobara was on your side when Fumi tried convincing you whomever the skull belonged to deserved a proper burial out in the forest and you refused.

No matter how hard she tried, you would not budge.

And that was that.

(From then on, whenever you made yourself visible to Fumi, she regarded you warily before seeing the way you looked at Nobara like she hung the stars and the moon.)

The last time the skull made an appearance in her life, Nobara had just turned fifteen.

A strange pair of men were at her door at the crack of dawn, rousing her grandparents, which prompted them to drag Nobara out of bed at such a god-awful time of the day. They all sat at a table soberly, discussing her future while Nobara found her attention gravitating to you.

You were playing with a stray cat in the garden, its stomach presented to you eagerly so soon after it deemed you safe, and making the most disgusting cooing noises she had ever heard to it with a dopey grin.

It was only at the call of her name that her head snapped back forward.

Yaga Masamichi was a strange one, tinkering so openly with a corpse in front of her deeply superstitious grandparents, but, strangely enough, it was his companion, a shock of white hair and bandage, that caught her eye. The young man was looking your way.

Not at the cat pawing up at thin air. Oh no. The blindfolded stranger’s gaze was dead set on you; she saw his brow raise minutely as Yaga and her grandparents continued talking, her tools of trade that was cobbled together from old sheds and the local hardware store bared flat on the table; she watched him watch you rub the cat’s belly before you lifted it high into the air like a parent would to their child. It was obvious what the situation playing out was: you had caught on to the stranger’s sighting of you long before she did. To emphasise the fact, you even babbled to the cat, “Higher, higher! Oopsie-daisy!!” before letting it back down and nuzzling it against your face, affectionate and close.

Yaga only noticed the change in atmosphere when the cat’s meows suddenly went quiet. But the other one (white hair, bandages, feels wrong, rotting flesh and fresh) grinned, slapping an enrollment form on the table.

“You. Leave that thing behind when you come to our school,” said Gojou Satoru, his introduction earlier all pomp and a wellspring of positive energy memes a stark comparison to now as he continued watching you, all but ignoring her grandmother shouting up at him to stop spouting nonsense.

(“What drivel! My granddaughter surely won’t—”)

She went back to spacing out in your direction.

Without hesitation, you dropped the cat into your gaping maw and swallowed it whole in one gulp. The first cursed spirit you managed to catch by yourself. Your ability at masking your aura was improving. That was good.

The skull peeked out of your hoodie’s pocket, the many orbits winking at her.

Screw the rules, you were coming with her whether the bureaucracy liked it or not.

-

At this rate, she’s going to die for sure.

You know what to do.

You’re one and the same. If Mahito touched one half of your original self and corrupted it, reason dictates that giving her body (the container) yours will fix her. But there’s a problem.

The implosion practically ruined her chances of survival, reducing it to null.

Not even a high grade sorcerer could hope to reverse the damage. Bone is a special material. Bone takes time to be cultivated or to grow. For a jujutsu user, especially, a substitute of different material won’t cut it. Bone, like the soul, contains an essence of sorts, it’s one of the few natural conductors of negative energy humans can have.

Your point: bone is not easily replaced.

Kneeling over Nobara, you grab from the air the object you were entrusted with over a millennium ago for safekeeping.

“Oi, oi, oi, you. You. Freak-god-thing.” You regard Itadori Yuuji with disdain. Or rather, the lone eye and accompanying mouth that’s on his cheek. “Is that what I think it is.”

“What? Are you objecting? Or worse—obstructing?”

“I don’t know about you or the brat, but you’re gonna fuck up the girl if you do that.”

“And since when did the King of Curses grow a heart?”

“I fucking didn’t, you prick.” The eye manages to scowl without a brow. “I’m just saying… You are sending her to condemnation.”

“Says the finger shagger,” you retort. The mouth disappears; Itadori Yuuji has an indescribable expression on his face but you know he won’t try and stop your hare-brained idea, he wants what you want.

You know what you’re doing.

You’ve had to do this a few times before.

It will work.

“Hello?”

A child? Who in their right mind would—

You freeze in your tracks. It’s them, your mind exclaims. It’s them. Them. Them. Them.

… Her.

You walk up behind her, beaming.

“Why hello there!” you chime, so, so happy.