#i really liked casey as a character but sometimes i was very frustrated with her i'm not going to lie!

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books read in 2025 🤍

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january ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

1. writers & lovers by lily king 2. the art of memory collecting: 15 scrapbook, collage, trinket and zine projects for crafting treasured moments by martina calvi 3. tom lake by ann patchett (audiobook) ♡ 4. our town by thornton wilder ⊹ 5. beloved by toni morrisson 6. promise me sunshine by cara bastone (arc) ♡

[maximoffcarter]

Cold.

Pairings: Casey Novak x reader.

Summary: Based on 9x19: Cold. The squad is involved in a mess made by Lake without any guidance of what really happened. Casey Novak had made sure to tell all of them that they would do it by the book; reader was willing to do anything as long as it was the right thing to do, but once she finds out her girlfriend is getting too carried away, she has to stop her.

A/n: This was requested by an anon, and lemme be honest with you here...I have rewatched SVU so many times, from season 2 to probably season 19 (mostly because I love rewatching from 2 to 9), but the truth is that I have seen this episode probably 2 times in my life, 3 if we count this time. The way I feel so frustrated that they decided to 'end' Casey's character this way, was so frustrating for me, I actually sobbed knowing Casey wouldn't be back the first time that I watched it. Of course, after that, Casey's farewell was not any better, and I'll forever be mad. So I thank the anon who asked for this request for giving me the chance to rewrite this and pretend as if Casey never actually left. There is some angst, some things I changed, but I do hope you guys enjoy this. Enjoy and leave your comments, reblogs, hearts, whatever you'd like, will be very much appreciated🫶🏻

*not my gif*

For the last five years that Casey Novak had been working in Sex Crimes, she learned that life was definitely not fair, and justice was not what they painted in Law School. She had tried her best to surpass the guilt whenever she lost a case, to move on and go on with the next case, she saw how the squad easily did it. Of course she knew it wasn’t easy, she knew that it also hurt them, and they probably carried it with them for a long time, maybe for their whole life. She had talked about many cases with them, some that they remembered from years ago, some that were never forgotten. She also learned that working with SVU, definitely changed her way of thinking; when she started working with them, she wanted to do everything by the book, because she had heard that sometimes the squad made things they were not supposed to do just to favor them, which of course part of her understood why they did what they did, but she needed to go by the book or the DA’s office would go for her head. She slowly grew up with them, which also meant that her work ethic changed entirely once she learned that sometimes, they didn’t have to go by the book; do it legally, but not exactly in order.

Casey learned that the squad always had each other’s back, and slowly, they started having hers, which made her believe that they had accepted her as part of their family. They had their ups and downs, Casey got on their nerves just as much as they got in hers, she learned to treat them, she learned to go at their same pace, she learned to be part of their squad, and truth to be told, she did not regret anything. Branch and Donnelly had warned her about how the squad worked, and that she had to look out for herself and not exactly them, but Cragen’s words always stuck with her; it was only them, they only had themselves, no one else, and she learned to embrace that. She learned so many things from them, things she’d always cherish, things that would always stay with her, things that still upset her but, they were her family, and she’d do anything for them.

Meeting y/n had been the best part of joining SVU, she was also a new recruit and both of them basically grew together in the job, bringing them together; what started as a friendship, became more as the time passed, and even if it was unexpected, they were more than happy to embrace it. They both learned from each other, and even if y/n was more on Casey’s side than the squads, sometimes y/n had her moments where she really needed to be on the squads side, just because she knew they tried their best. They supported their rights and wrongs, y/n joked that she’d always accept any wrong that Casey did, and she’d be by her side no matter what, and Casey believed the same, she had joked that she’d get y/n out of any possible problem, even if it meant getting herself in trouble; and y/n knew she meant that. Doing it for another person? Y/n would always protect her squad, always. Casey? She would, she loved them. But get as far as losing her job for them? Y/n didn’t think so. Right?

“Casey clearly said we cannot question him, Elliot. Are you really gonna go to the hospital and do exactly what she said we could not do?” Y/n asked as she followed Elliot and Olivia to their car.

“We need to know what we’re dealing with, y/l/n. We’re basically blind here, how are we supposed to help him if he’s not letting us?” Elliot turned to look at y/n as he opened the door of the car.

Y/n shrugged. “Elliot…” she sighed. “I know this is not looking good, we have no idea what really happened here. But we cannot just go and do what we’re not supposed to do. We need to stick to what Cragen and Casey said.”

“We’re just gonna check on him, y/n. Nothing more.” Olivia shrugged as she looked at y/n.

Y/n scoffed. “You don’t even believe that yourself, Liv.”

“If you wanna go by your girlfriend’s rules, we won’t blame you. But don’t try to stop us from doing our jobs.” Elliot said before he got in the car, followed by Olivia.

Y/n sighed as she watched them go. “You know them, and honestly, I don’t blame them.” Melinda said as she stood beside y/n.

Y/n turned her head to look at her. “I don’t like this at all. I know he has a reason for why he did this, but this is not looking any good. Right?”

Melinda sighed as she shook her head. “No, not at all.”

********************

“I take it that you knew Elliot and Olivia were going to the hospital to see Lake.” Casey looked up as y/n walked in her office, closing the door behind her.

Y/n sighed. “I promise that I tried to stop them. They’re stubborn.”

“Just like someone I know.” Casey grinned.

Y/n chuckled softly as she sat on a chair, sighing. “What are we gonna do, Case? Melinda ruled it a homicide.”

Casey shrugged. “Get as much evidence as we possibly can and hope for the best.” She looked at y/n with a serious look on her face. “We need to do this by the book, y/n. We cannot risk anything here.”

Y/n nodded. “I know.” She sighed as she stood up and walked to Casey, pushing her chair, and sitting on her lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. “Everything will be okay, and whatever you need, I’ll be here.”

Casey smiled as she wrapped her arms around y/n’s waist. “I know you will. You’re the only one who listens to me.”

“And they hate me for that.” Y/n chuckled softly.

“You’re just being a good girl.” Casey grinned as she leaned in to kiss her lips softly.

“I am.” Y/n said against her lips, kissing her again but the kiss was interrupted by her cellphone, groaning softly as she pulled it out. “Y/l/n.” She frowned and pulled away from Casey. “I’m on my way.” She hung up the call and looked at Casey. “He’s not at the hospital.”

Casey sighed. “Damnit, Lake.”

“I gotta go, I’ll call you if anything comes up.” Y/n kissed her lips one more time before standing up.

“Please do and be safe!” Casey sighed as she saw her girlfriend go. This was definitely going the wrong path.

********************

“I know what you want me to say, but the science doesn’t support it.” Melinda said as she stared back at Casey.

Casey stared back at Melinda, taking a deep breath. “When the defence gets these lab reports, they might have enough for reasonable doubt.” She stopped for a moment as she stared at Melinda. “Can you live with that?”

Melinda shook her head. “If I have to. Because I sure as hell won’t risk my reputation for a verdict we didn’t earn.”

Casey stared at Melinda for longer than she wanted to, she could tell the stare she was giving her as Melinda took a step back and her face relaxed; Casey was definitely upset, and she didn’t mean to be upset at what she was saying, but none of this was gonna help them win the case. She only thanked Melinda and left the office, walking as fast as she could to get out of the building and get some fresh air. She was frustrated that this was happening, the last thing she had expected was to have to deal with something like this with one of the detectives. She knew they could do dumb stuff, she had to get them out of trouble before, but something like this? Never in a million years did she expect that something like this would happen and that she’d have to solve it. Not only that, but actually thinking about risking her career for it. She decided to go back home as she thought going back to the office was no use, she’d only be frustrated to be there and she didn’t need any interruptions from the squad, so she took all the files home. She was making some notes when she heard the door closing.

“Hi baby.” Casey said softly as y/n walked to the living room, looking up to offer a smile but the look on her girlfriend’s face told her that something had happened. “What’s wrong?” Her smile fainted then, scared that something else had happened.

“Tell me why Melinda called me and told me to make sure you were not about to do something stupid.” Y/n crossed her arms as she stared at Casey, standing right in front of her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Casey simply said.

“Don’t lie to me, Casey. I thought you said we had to do this by the book. You were the first one to say that we could not question Lake, and to have you updated on everything. And now Melinda tells me that you want to risk your job?” Y/n shook her head. “Please tell me she’s just tired and she read the room wrong.”

Casey sighed as she put aside her notepad, looking up at y/n. “If the defense gets this, they’ll have enough proof to let him walk free, and then we’re screwed. We won’t even have a chance to save Lake from this.”

“Casey, I hate to say it and be harsh about it, but he got himself into this fucking mess, he didn’t want our help until he saw he was really drowning. You need to do what you can, and that’s it.”

“If I can do more, trust me, I will, y/n. There’s still a chance.”

“A chance?! And what do you have to do to get this chance, Casey? Hide the evidence? Stop Melinda from testifying?”

“She’ll say what she told me and describe it as best as she can.”

Y/n stared at Casey and shook her head. “Please tell me the evidence was sent.” She stared at Casey with concern on her face. Casey looked down at her hands and sighed. “Fuck Casey…” y/n ran her hands through her hair, starting to pace around the room. “You said we’d go by the book!”

“If we let them have it, we won’t win this case!” Casey stood up from the couch then, feeling frustration wash over her body.

Y/n turned to look back at Casey. “And you think they won’t find out?! It’s Donna for fuck sakes, Casey! It’s fucking Petrovsky! You want to get in trouble?!”

“I’ll say the reports are not complete yet! I’ll send them, just not yet, not by tomorrow.”

Y/n scoffed. “What the hell is wrong with you, Casey?! You could lose your job for this!”

“Wouldn’t you do the same?! He’s part of your squad! Other times, I see you guys doing the impossible to be able to get the minimum of evidence, and now you guys are stopping yourselves and doing nothing!”

“Because you told us not to! For once, we’re listening, Casey! And you’re the one screwing around! If you do this, you’re risking your license, and you know it!” Y/n shook her head. “And don’t give me that crap that if this isn’t justice, you don’t wanna do this anymore, because we both know you wouldn’t want to lose your career over something like this.”

“I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. He needs to go to jail.” Casey walked to y/n, trying to stop her from pacing around the living room.

Y/n scoffed, standing right in front of her. “Are you doing this for justice or for Lake?” She raised her brows.

Casey frowned and shook her head. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re gonna tell me that Lake didn’t want to go on a date with you before he found out you and I were dating. Oh, because I remind you that you didn’t say shit about it, and you just played along. Yeah, Fin told me about it.”

Casey scoffed. “Are you doing this because you’re jealous of him? Nothing happened and that was nothing, and you know that! This is not about him.”

“You said it, we’re not doing anything for him. You’re so worried for him, you’re willing to cover up for him and risk your job.”

“I’d do the same and more for you.”

“It’s not me who fucked up.” Y/n snapped, her eyes never leaving Casey’s. “I’m right here, doing exactly what you asked me to do. And I expect you to do the same, Casey.”

“Or what?” Casey snapped.

Y/n shook her head. “I seriously cannot believe you. You’re truly unbelievable. I am not gonna let you do this.” She walked out of the living room, not wanting to look at Casey anymore.

“Where are you going?!” Casey followed her, trying to ignore the range she felt.

“Ask Lake, since you’re teaming up with him now.” Y/n snapped before she walked out of the apartment and slammed the door closed.

Y/n would be lying if she said she didn’t feel a little jealous at the thought of Casey worrying too much about this case. She knew that Casey was mainly doing this to put that bastard behind bars, she was right, he deserved to go to jail, and he was the only person she could prosecute. If they didn’t win this, Lake would be in more trouble. And it’s not that she didn’t care about him, she did, but he had decided to drown himself until it was too late to ask for help. There was still a slight chance, but even then, there was nothing else they could do to help him. Y/n was angry that Casey was putting someone else before herself, she didn’t care it wasn’t for her, she knew Casey meant it when she said she’d do this and more for y/n, because y/n would do the same for Casey. But the thought of knowing that Casey was going to risk her career over this, made her angry and helpless. She didn’t know where she was going, it was still early, she could either go to the precinct to try to find anything else to help the case, or she could simply walk around to calm her anger. But before she could figure out where she was heading, she was walking inside a building and into the elevator. She kept fidgeting with the promise ring that Casey had given her, trying to control both her anxiety and her anger. As the doors opened, she walked through the hallway and for a moment stood by the door before knocking.

“Come on in.”

Y/n opened the door and took a deep breath. “Donnelly.”

Elizabeth looked at y/n and huffed a laugh. “C’mon, y/n. Drop the mannerisms. Anything I can help you with?”

Y/n sighed as she closed the door and smiled shyly. “I sure hope you can.”

Elizabeth stared at her for a moment before she took her glasses off, putting them on her desk and looking back at her. “What happened? Are you alright?”

“I am. This is about Casey.” Y/n said as she sat down.

“Is she okay? What happened?”

“She’s okay, for now. But I need you to take Casey off the Crane case.”

Elizabeth frowned. “Why would you want me to kick your girlfriend off this case? She’s your ADA. I don’t want to hear if you both had a fight over something stu-“

“She’s thinking about doing something stupid, Liz. And if I’m here, it’s not for you to tell on her, but to help me avoid it before it’s too late.” Y/n stared at her with a serious look.

“I need more than that, y/n.” Elizabeth raised her brow.

“She wants to hold the file that provides the evidence of the case, which is sort of more help to the defense than to us.” Y/n sighed as she shook her head. “I know she’ll hate me for telling you this, I…I might even lose her for this.” She huffed a chuckle. “But Liz…you need to take her off the case. I don’t want her losing her license and I know you don’t want this for her either. You can scold her, suspend her, whatever but please…don’t let her ruin her career. We both know this is not Casey.”

Elizabeth sighed as she shook her head. “Y/n…if she’s willing to do this-“

“She doesn’t know what she’s doing. I know me telling you this has the same risk if she does it anyway. But I want you to consider that I came here so you can stop it before this actually goes further. Please, Elizabeth. I know you don’t want Casey to ruin her career too. Please.” Y/n whispered softly as she felt tears in her eyes.

Elizabeth nodded as she sighed. “I’ll call Melinda and tell her to send me a copy, I’ll send the file myself and assign someone else to the case. I’ll call Casey to come to the office.”

Y/n tilted her head. “Will you report her?”

Elizabeth stared at her for a moment. She shook her head as she sighed. “No. But she will be punished for this. You too know that what she’s doing is not right.”

“And that’s why I came to you for help.”

“I know. I do wish you luck, though.” Elizabeth offered a faint smile.

Y/n sighed. “I think she already hates me. This will only be a bonus.”

Y/n talked to Elizabeth for a while until she decided she’d go back to the precinct to clear her mind for a bit, trying to talk to the rest of the squad, updating herself on where they were with the case. Two hours or so passed before Cragen broke the news that they had a new ADA for the case, and that whatever happened, they now had to inform her instead of Casey. Of course everyone stared at y/n, confused as to what was happening but y/n had no words, she had nothing to say about it, even if she wanted to tell them that it was her fault, that all of this would go to hell because of her, she just didn’t want them to find out yet, she had enough with arguing with Casey, and the last thing she needed was the squad yelling at her.

Eventually, she decided to go home, knowing that as much as she tried to keep herself busy, she couldn’t avoid Casey forever. She took her time to walk back home, missing one subway and then taking her time to walk back home. She took a deep breath once she was right in front of her door, getting her keys and opening the door slowly, noticing that most of the lights were off. She made sure to lock the door, and slowly walked through the apartment, until she noticed that the light for their bedroom was on, perfectly knowing that Casey was there. She took a deep breath before she walked inside the bedroom, finding Casey sitting at the edge of their bed, her arms crossed and her eyes staring at the floor. Y/n thought for a moment to go to the bathroom and give Casey a bit more time, but she was worried and scared of what had happened in Elizabeth’s office, so she decided to accept whatever was coming.

“Casey.” Y/n whispered softly.

“You went to Donnelly.” Casey simply said, her eyes still staring at the floor.

Y/n sighed softly. “I had to, Casey.”

“You didn’t have to do anything. I told you I’d deal with this.” Casey’s voice was low, she was not yelling, she was not going off on y/n -yet-, but y/n could definitely tell that she was filled with anger.

“I was not going to let you lose your job.”

“Even if it meant going to my boss and telling her what I was doing, knowing perfectly that the result could be the same.” Casey finally looked up at her, her eyes puffy and red.

Y/n’s heart sank as she stared at Casey. “Casey…I-I asked Elizabeth to not let you do this, so you didn’t lose your license. I didn’t-“

“She just suspended me. A month without payment.” Casey sighed. “And I’m off the case.”

Y/n almost sighed loudly in relief but knew that it could piss Casey even more. “I’m sorry, I-“

“No, you’re not.” Casey shook her head as she stood up, walking to y/n. “You’re not sorry. You decided to go to her to tell her what I was doing, and you thought you were doing this for me, but you were not. You didn’t want to deal with whatever happened next.”

“Casey, that’s not-“

“You were jealous that Lake was interested in me, that he tried everything to talk to me before he knew we were dating. You were not even thinking about putting that asshole behind bars, and now, he’s definitely not going to, he’ll walk free. And you know what, this won’t be on you, it’ll be on me.” Casey tried to hold back her tears as she stared at y/n the whole time, feeling both anger and frustration taking over her. “One way or another, there was the chance of me losing my license. If Elizabeth would’ve wanted to, I would’ve been called before the bar. Am I supposed to thank you?” She squinted her eyes.

“I did this for you, Casey. Even if it meant you hating me, I did this, so you didn’t lose your license and your job, because I know how much you love this job.”

“You’re right. I do love it more than I love you. I’d do anything for this job.” Casey snapped before she walked out of the room.

Y/n felt her body starting to shake as Casey’s words played over and over again in her mind. She knew Casey would be mad at her, but saying this to her? And the painful thing was that she actually believed that Casey meant it. Y/n sobbed as she sat on the edge of the bed, trying to hold back her tears but it was too late for that. Was Casey gonna leave her after this? What if Casey was right and she did this because she was clouded with jealousy? But no. All she wanted to do was prevent Casey from getting into a bigger problem. She wanted Casey to keep her job and her license, she knew it would be way worse if this was used again Casey in court, not only would Donna bring it up to the jury, but Petrovsky would make things worse, and then Elizabeth would’ve done something more than just suspending her. She did it for Casey. She was only looking out for her, and now Casey was mad. And y/n didn’t know if there would be a chance to fix this.

********************

Y/n had decided to stay at the precinct with the rest of the squad waiting to hear from the ADA how the trial was going. Y/n knew anyway what was going to happen already, and she felt guilty, not letting her squad know what had happened with Casey, what she had done, they were definitely going to blame her. And they had every right, Casey had a right to be mad too. She had not gone back to their apartment at night, getting a call from Elliot saying that Casey had stayed with him, and that they could talk back in the precinct, but she really didn’t want to talk about it. To anyone. Cragen finally came back with the news that the jury was back, and the bastard had walked free, there was nothing they could do, the ADA would try to do it again, but y/n knew that even if they did, there was not much of a chance for them to win. Everything was definitely going wrong, and this had been her fault. And she couldn’t even go to Casey because she was not talking to her, so she had to keep it all to herself. She decided to go lay down for a bit, tears rolling down her tears as soon as her head hit the pillow, quietly sobbing. She didn’t notice the door had opened and Olivia had walked in, she had noticed y/n’s attitude since they arrived early in the morning. She walked slowly to y/n and sat on the edge of the bed, her hand going to y/n’s back.

“Y/n…” Olivia whispered softly.

“I want to be alone.” Y/n cried out, drying her tears.

“Please. Talk to me.” Olivia said softly.

Y/n sat down on the bed, bringing her knees to her chest, and wrapping her arms, wanting to bury her face on them but looked up at Olivia. “I fucked up, Liv.”

Olivia tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“They took Casey off the case because of me.” Y/n sobbed. “I went to Donnelly. Casey was going to keep the file, she was not going to let the defense have it. And I couldn’t let her do that.” She shook her head as she cried. “I couldn’t let her lose her job and her license. I know Donna and Petrovsky. She’s suspended for a month.”

Olivia sighed. “And she’s mad at you.”

“She said she loved the job more than she loved m-me.” Y/n sobbed as she let her head fall to her knees.

Olivia moved to sit beside y/n and wrapped her arms around y/n. “Y/n, sweetheart, you know that’s not true. I know she didn’t mean that.”

“After all these years…I never expected Casey to get mad at me. We both said we would do anything for each other, and now she’s mad at me for this. I only tried to protect her. I knew that her losing the job would hurt too much. I couldn’t bear the thought of her blaming herself for this.” Y/n huffed a chuckle. “And we lost the case. It was my fault.”

“There was no other way of doing this, y/n. And Casey knows it. She was blinded because she didn’t know what to do.” Olivia shrugged. “She also prevented us from doing something stupid. Because she knew we would try anything.”

“She thought I was jealous of Lake. And…she wasn’t entirely wrong. But I didn’t do any of this for him. I did this for her.” Y/n whispered softly as she looked at Olivia. “I’m gonna lose her, Liv.”

Olivia shook her head. “She knows this, y/n. She’s angry. She couldn’t do more, and we both know that’s hard for her. She would’ve done this and so much more for you, and we all know it.”

“I don’t think I’d have let her do this for me.”

Olivia smiled as she tilted her head. “We both know nothing would’ve stopped Casey.”

Y/n chuckled as she nodded. “Yeah.” She sniffled. “But now, I don’t think she wants to see me.”

“It’ll pass. Give it time.” Olivia smiled.

Elliot opened the door and stopped on his tracks for a moment, gaining the attention of both women. “Sorry, but uh…something happened.”

Y/n looked at Olivia for a moment and sighed heavily as they both stood up, following Elliot. Y/n wiped away her tears and tried to push back the pain she felt, she had shown weakness to Olivia, but she couldn’t show it to the others. Elliot didn’t say a word during the whole ride, but y/n knew something bad had happened with the way he was desperate to get to the place. And once there, she noticed the place full of cops and ambulances, feeling her heart sinking as they exited the car and walked to the scene, finding Crane’s body on the floor. She looked to her side and found cops cuffing Lake, he was avoiding their stares, a mix of anger and pride in his face. Y/n then looked to her other side to find Casey standing beside Fin, her heart sinking once again at the look on her face. They all watched how Lake was taken to the police car and that’s when he stared at them. Y/n understood why he did it, but she still wished he would’ve gone to them for help. They all stood there for a moment, not sure what they were supposed to do or if they were supposed to do anything at all. Y/n’s eyes landed on Casey again, noticing how Elliot was now dragging Casey out of the scene and telling her something, and for a slight moment, their eyes met, and y/n wanted nothing more than to run to her and hold her, but she knew she couldn’t. She turned back to look at Olivia, both staring at each other for  moment and then staring back at the scene.

********************

Y/n sighed as she closed the door behind her and dropped her keys on the small table beside the door, turning to lock the door and rested her head against it for a moment. She took a deep breath and made her way to her bedroom, debating if she was going to take a shower or she was just going to drop in bed and try to sleep. But as she looked up at the bedroom, she noticed the lights were on, frowning slightly as she walked inside, just to feel like she had deja vu as she saw Casey sitting at the edge of their bed. For a moment her eyes inspected the room, her heart beating fast as her eyes tried to find a suitcase and bags, but the room looked the same as she left it in the morning. Her eyes then went back to Casey’s who was already looking at her, she could see that her eyes were red and puffy just like the last time they had been in the same situation.

“Hi.” Casey whispered softly.

“Hey.” Y/n whispered back, not sure if she was supposed to walk to the bed or just stand where she was. “I uh…I didn’t expect you to be here.”

Casey nodded. “I know.” She nibbled on her lip as she looked down at her hands. “But I needed to talk to you.”

Y/n nodded softly. “Should I start or…”

“I’m sorry.” Casey sobbed, looking up at y/n, her eyes teary once again. “I…I didn’t mean to go off on you like that. I know why you did this, I know that you were only trying to protect me. And I was so mean to you.” She shook her head. “I shouldn’t have said a thing.”

“Casey…”

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I know what I was doing was wrong and I was still willing to do it. I had stressful cases, and I just didn’t want another bastard to walk free. But none of this was your fault and I took it out on you, when you just…you were trying to help, and I-“ Casey shook her head.

“I went behind your back, Casey.” Y/n said softly, feeling her own tears form in her eyes. “I should’ve stayed so we could’ve talked about it, and I could’ve helped you. But I was so blinded by anger, I didn’t know what else to do, and my best option was to go to Donnelly.” She shook her head as she took a shaky breath. “We could’ve gone together. I could’ve talked you through it, but I left.”

“You did what you thought was right. You saved me from getting censured and probably losing my license.”

“And I got you suspended for a month without pay. Donnelly must have gone off on you, and I just left you go through it alone.” Y/n sobbed as she looked down at her hands. “And I understand if you want this to end.”

Casey frowned. “What?”

“You said it. You…you love the job more than me. I went behind your back, I could’ve given you the same ending for going to Donnelly and I-“ she sobbed. “Casey, I’m sorry.” She brought her hands to her face as she sobbed.

Casey stood up and went to y/n, wrapping her arms around y/n, pulling her to the bed so they could sit down. Y/n wrapped her arms around Casey’s middle and buried her face on her neck, while Casey placed one of her hands on y/n’s head and kissed her head softly. “Baby, I am not leaving you. What I said…I didn’t mean it. I didn’t think about it. I was angry, I was stressed. And that’s not an excuse, but I truly didn’t mean it.”

“How could you not? I tried to help you and I could’ve done things worse anyway.” Y/n cried out.

Casey moved back enough to look down at y/n, placing her hand on y/n’s cheek to make her look up at her. “Y/n…the talk I had with Elizabeth would’ve been ten time worse if you wouldn’t have gone to her. Yes, she was upset at me…but I’m only suspended for a month. I could’ve been censured. And I didn’t because you stopped me from doing a big mistake.”

Y/n took a deep shaky breath as she looked at Casey. “You mean it?”           

“I do, my love. I shouldn’t have said that. Any of that. You were willing to help me and do everything to be here for me, and I pushed you away.” Casey smiled sadly. “I would’ve made a big mistake. But my biggest mistake was to push you away. I cannot lose you, y/n.” More tears rolled down her cheeks as she rested her forehead against y/n’s.

“I cannot lose you either, Casey. I can’t.” Y/n’s hand went to Casey’s cheek and smiled sadly. “We both let our anger take the best of us.” She huffed a chuckle.

“We did.” Casey grinned. “Let’s not let this happen again.”

Y/n nodded. “Ever.”

“Plus, we’re not allowed to breakup, remember?” Casey smirked. “You’re pretty much stuck with me. And now you’re stuck with me for a whole month.”

Y/n grinned as she chuckled. “I’ll ask for a month off so I deal with you.” She smirked. “If we’re mad…we take our time, but we don’t go to sleep mad. We talk about it.”

Casey nodded as she smiled. “Sounds like a deal to me. And you know I don’t normally take deals.”

“I’m the exception.” Y/n smiled.

“You are.” Casey smiled as she leaned down and kissed her lips softly, finally feeling some sort of relief as she had her lover back in her arms.

[kraviolis]

someone liked one of my TOH headcanon posts from earlier this year and it reminded me about the specific headcanons i have for exactly what types of games the hexsquad plays and how they play them.

luz is obv an RPG fantasy fan. anything with a juicy story and a character creator and complex lore she’ll love. she definitely plays series like elder scrolls and baldur’s gate and final fantasy. she also plays final fantasy 14 and has her character as the good witch luzura and she isnt good at playing it like an mmo is supposed to be played but she loves the story. when endwalker came out luz couldnt stop sobbing to the point that camila was actually worried about her. also enjoys roguelikes such as hades or binding of isaac even if she can only play for so long before getting too frustrated. she also 100% plays genshin impact and gets into arguments online with other genshin fans.

amity is a fighting game girl. she is highly competitive and practices combos with her eyes shut. she prefers the tekken series but when luz wants to play with her they play guilty gear bcus luz likes it’s art style the most. she also likes fantasy RPGs but is way more picky about which ones she plays. she likes fire emblem. she also plays ff14 with luz and is actually good at the game (she carries luz sometimes) but isnt a huge fan of MMOs. she also is the one in the friend group with the NASA ass PC rig with a custom case and the most organized wiring you’ve ever seen with the lcd screen on the liquid cooled cpu and the azura figurine inside the case. she also does custom wraps for all her consoles.

hunter likes games that are very much like, micromanagement sims. like civ5 or cities skylines or factorio (i dont know anything about it but ive been assured by my sister that hunter plays modded factorio) but he’s also a fan of like, old school FPS games like doom and half life. i can see him doing speedruns of those games. (also he 100% once got addicted to some game like fuckin. galactic pinball or something to the point where he was staying up all night and not sleeping so he could play more pinball. in order to get him to stop playing so much and actually get some sleep, gus used illusions to make hunter think he was hallucinating about pinball and scared him into not looking at a single screen or monitor for like three weeks.)

gus is a very chill gamer but he likes games that he can sink hours and hours into. instead of playing a wide variety of games he has a select few that he dedicates his time into learning every last mechanic, but there’s also some games he just plays casually. like with pokemon games he’ll put hundreds of hours into them and carefully curate his team and does like nuzlocke runs but when he plays on his and willow’s shared-custody new horizons island he’ll just walk around and catch bugs and shit and not really worry about upgrading his house and make matching fits with his favorite villager.

willow prefers cozy games, like slime rancher or stardew valley or the aforementioned shared new horizons island, but she’s also a fucking menace about them. like she goes HARD on the min-maxing and automation and shit. while gus is wandering around their island catching fish, willow’s busy rearranging her fully upgraded mansion up in the hills and harassing any villagers she doesnt like with nets and deciding what hybrids to plant in front of her bell trees (she only has bell trees for the aesthetic. gus isnt allowed to harvest them) she would also be running the most high profit slime ranch ever but the way she treats her slimes makes hunter upset whenever he sees her just fuckin throwing them off a cliff the second they arent useful to her anymore. (meanwhile hunter names each one of his slimes and always feeds them their favorite foods and cried over casey & beatrix)

vee enjoys survival/strategic horror games, like DBD, resident evil, deadspace, or even FNAF. she’s the type of person to see the goriest most violent death in a video game ever and just go “ew yucky” then carry on. masha and her are often playing DBD together while in a call and are the most annoying pair of suvivors ever. she also likes games such as original katamari and pikmin 1 and chulip. she's also the undefeated DDR champion of the friend group.

and of COURSE they all play video games together. they all have a terraria world they play on together where they all are focused on their own little projects while still working together and are slowly building up their own village/mansion/castle/fort but luz keeps rushing ahead of everyone just bcus she's so excited and she definitely somehow ends up summoning the wall of flesh accidentally

they DID have a modded minecraft world for a few months with both tech mods and magic mods but while hunter, amity, and vee all focused on their factories and computers and technology, gus, willow, and luz fucked around with all the crazy magic and accidentally found out by blowing up a factory. this is where heightened tension between the the warlocks & the scientists began. this spark eventually turned into a full fledged war that lasted two months before it ended in mutually assured destruction to the point where no one could actually load into the server without their game crashing.

bonus: camila isnt much of a gamer with one exception-- when she was in college manny introduced her to WoW and got her hooked. it was Their Game that they played together all the time. they made cosplays of their characters together. they had several dates in game. they optimized their characters to perfect compliment one another when they ran dungeons with their guild. even since manny passed camila still plays every so often and keeps in touch with their guild members. for the longest time luz has 0 idea that camila plays WoW at all and only finds out after the whole secret nerd confession.

[gin-juice-tonic]

Hey there! I have a friend who wants to write a character with OCD, but I'm worried that she might not have a fully accurate image of what it is. I don't really know many people with OCD, but if you could could you give some tips to pass on to her? Sorry if this is weird, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. I just thought it would be better to get information from someone who is affected by OCD than skim an article about it. Thanks again (p.s. I really love your comics!!)

This is going to go under a cut cause i wrote more than I really intended. It's very long. I put a video clip of a character who I think is a good representation in media at the end if you decide you dont want to read all of that and just skip down there.

The thing is that OCD varies a lot from person to person. My experiences arent gonna look the same as someone else's who also has it. Some people have very visible symptoms, some people have things that are still obviously ocd symptoms but would only be recognized by someone who knew what to look for, some people only have mental symptoms - you wouldnt be able to tell unless you were a mind reader. And just like any other disorder it has a range of severity.

Also not everyone's triggered by the same things. I know you said you'd rather hear from a person than an article, but I think she should look at articles that detail what typical obsessions are (Though she should go in knowing these thoughts are beyond people's control. They're sometimes extremely upsetting, and theyre of course upsetting to the person who has them. They may be very hard to read if you arent well-versed in this stuff.) In fiction I usually see perfection and contamination, but there are wayyyy more than that. Some triggers come and go even. One day I can be completely fine about something and encountering it a different day it might take me 3 months to stop spiraling about it.

An important thing that IS spread across everyone who has it is that giving into compulsions makes things worse. They are a feeling of momentary relief that can fade incredibly quickly, which is what leads people to do them over and over and over again much to the detriment of the person doing it.

There is not a lot of rhyme or reason to it. And it cannot be logic-ed with. You could be the smartest, most level headed, logical person in the world, but you cannot logic your way out of obsessive thoughts. (This usually creates an obsessive thought spiral even, which is bad and can be dangerous...)

Adding onto that, she should think hard about whether the character would know they have OCD or not. The public perception of OCD is not great. Most people dont understand what it looks like, including people who have it. And the people who do have it often feel like they cannot talk about it. (I was encouraged by a psychiatrist to never! talk about the intrusive thoughts I have to ANYONE. She sucked, but it shows the attitude that surrounds the disorder.) And whether they know or not will make a big difference in how they view themself and their mental health. Personally when I did not know I had it I was doing a lot worse mentally. A lot. Frankly it very nearly drove me to suicide. And then I found out what it was, and it helped. It didnt magically make things disappear of course, but it helped.

She also might be tempted to make the characters symptoms manifest in ways that are comedic or silly. I am not bothered by this necessarily, I think a lot of the things I do are silly and would be perceived as funny by an outsider. But if she is going to do this I ask that she makes sure she shows how frustrating and embarrassing it is for the character. If you want an example, there is a character in the show Scrubs with OCD. (Side note, Scrubs is rated TV-14 so turn back now if youre too young but)

His name is Dr Kevin Casey, though you could probably just find his scenes from looking up Scrubs OCD. He is played off as a jovial man whose disorder makes him quirky, but he is given a scene in which you can really see the toll it takes on him. One line he says "Nobody's supposed to see this" hits especially hard.

So if that was too long and you didnt read most of it the number one important thing I'd personally ask is however inconvenient this characters OCD is going to be to everyone else Id like her to make sure she shows that its a million times more inconvenient to the person who has it.

[dandylovesturtles]

Fanfic Writer Ask Game!

🎯 🦈?

🎯 Do you have a writing milestone you’re working towards?

nope. I am at the whims of my inspiration and energy levels.

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?

in ROTTMNT I would probably say Mikey. I think it's a little easy to lean too hard into the sort of "sweet little brother" thing that a lot of fandom likes (this isn't meant as a callout, lol, I like it too) and forget that he is canonically a little gremlin who is very silly and sometimes pretty gross (I mean he's a 13 to 15-year-old boy so it tracks).

Also he probably has the least defined character arc of literally every main character in the series (including the supporting cast like April, Splinter, Draxum, and both Caseys). Leo has his struggles with his place and identity within the team as well as his growth as a leader, Donnie has his issues with feeling replaced and directly linking his family "needing" him to his family loving him, Raph is struggling to live up to the expectations of the clan and his role as a big brother, April deals with her struggles connecting with her own peers and her fear that she doesn't count as part of the fam, Splinter has a billion things going on, Draxum has a whole redemption arc (truncated as it was) and Casey Sr effectively does too, and Casey Jr. has grief and trauma. And Mikey... would probably have had a really good character arc if we'd gotten the rest of season 2 and season 3!

A lot of Mikey's episodes where he gets to really get feelsy and show his emotions are directly tied to other people's character development, especially Donnie's and Draxum's, so we don't get as much of what his deal is. The only really solid Mikey centric episode is Hot Soup The Game, which definitely brings up Mikey's frustrations with being the youngest and thus babied as a result, so that's something you can draw on for his character, but even that's more tied directly into what he wants from interactions with other people and less about what he wants for himself.

(the truffle episode is super weird... like Mikey learns not to take his friends for granted? I guess?? I wouldn't have expected him to in the first place but yeah I guess that's some character development lol)

(actually as a total side note, it does annoy me a little that when Todd is first introduced as a character in Season 1, the whole point of his superpower being niceness was that he was so nice you'd do anything for him, and even villains were unable to turn him down, which was a really good gag and made him an interesting character. Then at some point it became that Todd's niceness meant he couldn't turn anyone down and suddenly he was just kind of a doormat, to Mikey first in the truffle episode and then all of them later in Todd Scouts. I actually like the Todd Scouts episode but also you didn't have to do that to him lmao)

(actually actually even though I like Todd Scouts I would have loved a version of that episode where Splinter stayed with them in the woods and then we dealt with how his feelings were hurt by the kids being more interested in their phones than his teaching and they could have pointed out that their dad kind of waited until late in life to start teaching them life skills and IDK WE DIDN'T GET THE FAMILY BONDING CAMPING TRIP WHEN THEY GOT CAUGHT IN THE TURTLE TANK IN SEASON 1, WHY DIDN'T WE GET IT IN SEASON 2??)

cough. anyway.

yeah so I always feel bad that when I look at my AUs and stuff I always feel like I give Mikey the least. I'm so sorry, Mikey, you're just already perfect and I don't know where to take you. ;;

Thanks for the ask!

[spicy-apple-pie]

For capril videogames

Ok i honestly don't play video games (i was those computer games kids like bob the snail and water girl and fire boy)

But i watch some gamers so just spitballing

Fnaf (screaming and paranoia- actually like any horror game like emily wants to play)

Sims (unpredictable and weird)

Dance revolution

Gang beasts (imo they look so silly)

60 seconds

Little misfortune (this technically a story kind of game which only has 2 different endings and will say pretty messed up emotionally so uh be warned if ya don't know)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!!!

Fnaf

Definitely Donnie/Leo’s recommendation.

Casey is so confident she won’t get scared “it’s just jumpscares it’s not that scary.”

First night she screams when the animatronics first move.

She hates the phone guy with a burning passion and she never listens to his tips.

April is on FaceTime with Donnie. They’re laughing at her.

But eventually April comes to help her and she gets into it too.

April holds on to Casey, but sometimes blocks her from hitting the button to the door in time (but her hands are also shaking lol)

Casey insists she stay the night at April’s. She won’t admit it, but she can’t stop thinking of those fucking animatronics staring at her in the hallways.

Sims

They get way too into the character creation. They spend hours making the most horrendous face you've ever seen, with the most out of place outfits.

They also have a save that has the boys, Splinter, and Draxum.

At first it was just a joke of "haha we had Leo piss his pants" but it went way further. Mikey has had mulitple affairs. Raph has murdered will kill again. Donnie died because he was playing too long at the computer (and then Mikey Woohooed death). Surprisingly, Leo, Splinter, and Draxum are the most normal ones.

They did have Splinter and Draxum marry in their game

They both vowed never to speak of what happens in that save file to the others.

April is really good at cheats and tips, so she's the one with the controls most of the time.

She's also really good at decorating and building.

Casey's houses are the houses you build as a kid when you first learn about motherloade. Just a square building with the most expensive furniture.

DDR

They don't play this often, reserved for arcade dates.

They're pretty good. Casey has terrible rythym and but good reflexes and April had a phase of religously watching DDR videos.

They have mastered a few songs

One time, there were these little asshole kids that were yelling at them and causing a scene. They were almost out of credits anyway, and they were just about to leave when they saw the boys get a highscore on one of their favourite songs to play together. So they use the rest of their credits to play the song and knocked them off the leaderboard.

Gang Beasts/Human Fall Flat

I have not played Gang Beasts, but I have played Human Fall Flat and they look very similar.

Although it's a stupid game, I think this is when Casey realises that she's healed a lot since the foot.

Here's a game where she's given a task and told to do it. Before she joined the Hamatos she would've become frustrated at the difficult controls. The purpose of the game would've gone completely over her head.

Now here she is, laughing her ass off watching April character splat on the ground on what must be their 12th attempt at the puzzle. And she feels happy and content.

That got a little mushy on what should be something goofy, but I got bit by the hurt/comfort bug

60 seconds

Casey has an intense hatred for all of the characters in the og game.

She likes one character that is mutant Mary Jane

She tries for it every game

April has the best strats memorized for the game

Idk, I haven't played much of this game I've just watch Jay from the CubScouts (sp?) play it.

Little Miss Fortune

Casey and April played Fran Bow and loved it, and neither of them really knew what it was about.

The ending definitely was a shock, but they enjoyed it all the same.

Luckily they’re completionists so they got all the glitters and got the good ending.

Casey was pretty emotional because Misfortune reminded her of her brownies.

April can do a mean Misfortune impression and it cracks Casey up.

Casey: *crying at the ending, hold back sobs*

April: *whispers* “poor little lady.”

Casey: *sobs/laughs into a pillow*

Sorry it took a while anon, but this was really fun to do!!!

[bitbybitwrites]

Am I late for the writing game?

5, 18, 44 and pick one you really, really want to answer and no one's asked yet :)

It's never too late! 😉

5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

Oh this is embarassing - not very much, to be honest. Its not that I wouldn't want to. But after dealing with work, then family, then chores/ housework, I'm exhausted . . and its late at night when I finally have time to just myself. By that time I'm almost always fighting sleep, so I can get very little done. So most of my writing is done in tiny spurts here and there. Like I can sometimes squeeze in 10-15 minutes in the morning before I run to work . . . maybe I can write something before I pass out for the night. If I'm lucky to take the train into the city or I'm stuck in like a waiting room for awhile, I can get nice big chunks of writing done. I always carry a journal with me to jot things down in, then I transfer it onto my computer when I get a chance. So whenever I preface with "I'm a slow writer", its not only because sometimes it takes forever for me to get the words right. It's literally because I'm so swamped with other things I have little time to focus on writing.

18.  If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?

I'll be honest - I''m not sure collaboration is in my future - I think I'd frustrate the hell out of another writer if they were waiting for me to hand in my portion ( see question above) and I am a little anal retentive when it goes to editing and stuff and wanting writing styles to mesh so it would seem like a seamless transition from one person's work to another, I'm sure that would drive them crazy as well 😂😂😂 But all that aside . . . if none of that mattered . . I don't know. if we're talking published authors - I think Neil Gaiman and Casey McQuiston would be fun to write with. I also love Amy Tan and Kevin Kwan's writing I love too . . also Bill Bryson ( though he's a non fiction writer, not fiction). If we are talking fan fic - god . . too many to count. You all are so damn good I really can't pick one. Though I have to say if we ever wrote anything together, I can imagine the amount of angst ( esp blangst) that would be coming out of those pages. It might drive readers insane 😂

44.  How much research do you do?

It really depends on the story - though I can be prone to going down research rabbit holes if I find something interesting 😂. But that was the part I loved about school - the research, the learning of new things.

 . . .and pick one you really, really want to answer and no one's asked yet :). this was hard to choose, so I'll go with this one:

40.  Share some backstory for one of your characters

I'll share some tidbits about an OC I created for If I Can Make Your Heart My Home that I've noticed a many of my readers like: Lillian Anderson ( Blaine's English grandmother)

Lillian is a talented musician herself (piano and violin).

She met her husband while auditioning for the London Symphony Orchestra. He was concertmaster at the time. She auditioned for 2nd violin chair.

After they married, he became a conductor and they traveled a bit relocating to whatever orchestra her husband worked with at the time, before settling in New York for a bit - where they had their son and raised him.

They returned to England for the most part after their son (Bradford) finished college, and they began a good deal of philanthropic work ( mostly arts based) until their grand children were born. Then they would travel back and forth, so they could spend as much time as they could with Cooper and Blaine.

Fun fact: Blaine's middle name (Devon) was a nod to Lillian's paternal roots - her own family hailing from Devon, England. During the summers Lillian would whisk the grandkids back off to Devon to bond, especially after her husband passed.

Her moody tortoiseshell cat, Schumann is named after composer Robert Schumann

***

Thanks so much for the asks, @heartsmadeofbooks! 💖💖💖💖

Click here to play

[project1939]

Day 34- Film: Diplomatic Courier 

Release date: June 13th, 1952. 

Studio: 20th Century Fox 

Genre: Spy Noir 

Director: Henry Hathaway 

Producer: Casey Robinson 

Actors: Tyrone Power, Patricia Neal, Stephen McNally, Hildegarde Neff, Karl Malden 

Plot Summary: Mike Kells is an experienced diplomatic courier for the US State department who must suddenly meet colleague Sam Carew in Salzburg to receive top-secret-documents and bring them safely home. Both men are clearly being followed, however, and things quickly go awry. When Sam ends up dead, and the documents are still missing, the danger and intrigue only increase. Who can be trusted and who cannot? 

My Rating (out of five stars): ***½ 

For the most part, I found this to be a very enjoyable and engrossing film. It wasn’t the most mind-blowing thing I’ve ever seen, but I do think that in key aspects it was very cleverly made. This was, in some ways, a more conventional spy film than 5 Fingers.  We have a clear hero with a clear mission, and two beautiful women keep weaving in and out of his story. The film was most affecting when it left you in suspense and suspicion over which characters you could believe or not. There were times I was so anxiously frustrated, I could not sit still. I think I even shouted at the screen at one point. Usually there are giveaways somewhere and you kind of know, but I had genuine anxiety about this one! 

The Good: 

Tyrone Power. I loved him in his films of the 1930s. He’s not the most accomplished actor, but he is one of those uniquely stunningly beautiful people that you can just gaze at for hours. I was actually really impressed with him here- by 1952 his acting had improved significantly. He’s a little older, so his youthful beauty is fading, but he’s still the owner of the most luscious pair of eyelashes a man ever had. He’s also just extremely likeable, and with the addition of his improved acting, it made it very easy to care about what was going to happen to him.  

Patricia Neal. I adore her. She is so good at playing sophisticated song-willed women with a quick and incisive mind. Her voice is so wonderfully distinctive, too. Whenever I see her name come up in the credits, I sit up, and she didn’t disappoint here. 

Hildegard Knef as Janine Betki. She was the character that literally kept me guessing until the end. She had this cool European look and vibe about her. She was also quite a good actress. 

The suspense and questioning over who was trustworthy or not. Trying to put the pieces together was a very enjoyable part of the film. 

The suspense on the train early in the film was also well done. Who was following whom? And why? There’s also something about the closed and cramped confines of a moving passenger train that elevates the drama even more. 

It often had the feel of a 1950s European film, which was a good thing in my book. Some of that might just have been because it took place in cosmopolitan Italy, and I think there may have been some location shooting. 

Out of seemingly nowhere there was a drag performance scene! In a film in 1952! Mike goes into a nightclub early on, and the entertainment is a real drag artist. He impersonated Carmen Miranda, Betty Davis, and even FDR! His skills of mimicry ended up being important later, but it was shocking to see so much screen time given to him. There was no overt hint of him being gay, but come on, it was classic drag!  

The Bad: 

Sometimes things were maybe a little too vague about what the top-secret documents were. We got one line specifically about some of what it was, and the film continually told us that it was information that could save thousands of lives... but I was left wanting a little more. I don’t like it when movies spoon-feed information, so I wouldn’t want it to go too far... but I guess I just wanted a little less subterfuge. 

I wanted to know a little more about Patricia Neal’s character as well. She suddenly disappeared before we really knew her story. 

I’m not sure how I felt about the last shot/scene of the film. I liked a little bit of it but groaned at most of it. 

[jerzwriter]

Unblemished (AU)

Book: Open Heart (AU)

Pairing: Tobias Carrick x F!MC (Casey MacTavish)

Rating: Teen

Category: Angst

Summary: Sometimes walking away is the right choice, the only choice, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Warnings: Breakup, end of a relationship

Words: Approx. 1300

A/N: I apologize in advance. THIS IS AN AU… my babies are completely and happily in love forever and ever in my HC. This is just nonsense in my head.

A/N 2: I am also participating in this month’s @choicesfebruary2022challenge, Day 24 Break up.

A/N 3: Also participating in @choicesmonthlychallenge “To be or not to be” – this is a Not to be. 💔 (Did I mention I'm sorry?)

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS

If you wish to be added or removed from tags, please let me know. Comments and reblogs are always appreciated. 😊

He watched her as she made her way down the winding path. Standing in the very spot where they had shared picnic lunches to break up the workday and summer nights on blankets gazing at the stars. It was the scene of a fierce snowball fight that ended with them rolling in the snow, peppering each other with kisses just months before. It was the birthplace of a cornucopia of beautiful memories, someplace they had made their own. Suddenly, he regretted asking her to meet him here, and he hoped this one last memory would not mar all that came before.

Casey approached him sheepishly, never meeting his eyes. Her hands were buried deep in her pockets; she looked so cold. As much as she loved Boston, its winters never brought her much joy. Tobias couldn't help but smile sadly; it was just one more way she'd be happier now. She greeted him with the beautiful smile he knew so well, but this time, it didn’t make it to her eyes.

She promised herself she wouldn't do it, even though she knew resistance would be futile. She fell into his arms, the one place that had brought her comfort for so long, and buried her face in his chest. She breathed in the sandalwood scent that had become so familiar. It felt like home, and leaving home was never easy, even when it had to be.

He lifted her chin, and he gently kissed her forehead. He wanted more, so much more. He wanted to taste her lips and feel her warmth, to kiss her as he had a thousand times before, but now it would feel wrong, even cruel, for him to do so.

“Well, happy Valentine’s Day eve,” she nervously chuckled.

“I think I liked last year’s better,” he said sadly, his mind wandering back to that night. Cooking wasn't one of her many talents, and she had made a mess of his kitchen, intent on making a special meal for them to share. He watched her from a distance as her frustration mounted. She looked adorable, pouting when she realized it wouldn’t materialize. He held her and kissed her until she finally felt better, then they shared pizza and wine by candlelight on his living room floor.

“You’re really going to go,” he whispered, softly caressing her cheek.

“Tobias,” she whimpered, looking away, “we’ve discussed this a dozen times before.”

“I know,” he choked. “I think I’m saying it out loud to convince myself it's a reality. You’ll like the weather,” he smiled, “you’re better suited for the weather in Durham.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged, “but I don’t think it will ever feel like home.”

“Home is where your heart is, sweetheart. You’ll find a way.”

The bright moonlight only made the tears beginning to fill her eyes more apparent; she bit her lip in an attempt to stop them. She promised herself she would not do this.

“As I said, it will never be home.”

She nuzzled her face into his scarf, the perfect place to hide the tears she couldn't stop from falling as she silently begged them to stop.

“Are you going to miss me?” Her voice creaked.

Pulling back, Tobias looked at her with astonishment. “How could you even ask that, Casey? You know the answer.”

“Sometimes... I wonder... I just wonder, why…” she trailed, her broken voice betraying her just as her tears did moments before.

“We want different things, baby. I wish we didn’t, but we do, and I care about you too much to deny you all that you deserve… which is a whole lot better than me.”

“Yeah,” she said, her voice taking on a colder tone, “but I think I should have had more of a say in what I deserve.”

“You did,” he said, taking a step toward her. “We didn’t make this decision lightly, and you weren’t forced. You’re doing the right thing. It’s just… letting go is hard. Trust me... I know.”

She leaned up against the trunk of an old oak tree. Emotion was wreaking havoc on her body, leaving her weak. She needed its support to stand. She knew this would be painful, but she had underestimated just how much.

“As much as I want to spend every second I have left with you, I think it's best if we make this short. Putting it off when it’s just waiting there.. this big empty void… it hurts too much, you know?”

“I do,” he whispered, with his eyes drifting toward the ground. “I don’t know if this will make it better or worse, but if I could ever want it… the house, the kids, the white picket fence… if it could have been with anyone, it would have been with you.”

She lifted a tissue to her eyes with her gloved hand, a lump forming in her throat.

“Yeah, I think that made it worse."

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “Maybe that just solidifies it. It’s for the best.”

She nodded quickly, regaining her composure. These would be their last moments together, and she wanted them to end as they had begun. Two friends who slowly became more, who made each other laugh more than they ever cried, who cared about each other… loved each other… in a way neither had before. So much that they dared to dream about forever, then forevel fell apart.

“Well, I should go,” she breathed. "I'm heading out first thing in the morning, and..."

He lifted his hand to her face and brushed her hair back over an ear. He studied her face, committing every line, every curve to memory because it might have to last for all time. His lips pressed tightly together, and he waited until he could speak without breaking.

“I guess this is goodbye,” he whispered so softly that she wasn’t sure it was said. Then she gently chuckled, a barely-there smile on her lips.

“What is it?” He asked, still stroking her cheek.

She pointed to the small tattoo on his wrist. He decided to get it when they were on vacation, after a little too much to drink.

Casey

Written in a script so elaborate it was almost difficult to discern. She got a matching one bearing his name on her hip. Her mother was furious about it when she heard.

“It’s bad luck!" She insisted. "You two have a good thing, and you just jinxed yourselves.” They laughed at her at the time… what could tear them apart... and now, here they were.

“I bet you regret that now,” she said sadly.

He lifted his hand to the streetlight to get a better view. “This?” He asked, shaking his head. “Oh, no. How could I ever regret this.”

“Well, if you do settle down one day, I’m sure the next woman in your life won’t appreciate it.”

He smiled genuinely. “If that should happen, and I don't think it will, but if it should, I know a guy who could turn this into a nice cat or something,” he chuckled. Then, with a look of longing and pure sincerity on his face, he turned to her. “But I would always know what lies underneath, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“I know,” she wept. “I feel the same way about mine. I never want to forget that this happened.”

“I couldn’t if I tried.”

They leaned into each other. Within a moment, their lips were entwined in a manner that befitted their goodbye. Filled with the passion, love, sorrow, and regret that had written their story. Each aware that they only had moments before it came to an end. Neither knew that something so painful could also be filled with such love and tenderness. A beauty all of its own. A moment that was theirs to cherish forever.

Time moved in slow motion as she slowly pulled away, but it couldn’t be delayed any longer.

“Goodbye, Tobias," she choked. "I’ll always love you.”

“I’ll always love you, too.”

A gentle snow began to fall as their hands parted one final time. Their eyes locked on each other until she finally turned around, and they both walked in different directions. The metaphor wasn’t lost on either of them. Life brought them together, but different dreams tore them apart. In the end, it would be for the best, they told themselves, but at that moment, it felt like anything but.

Tobias was happy to find that their spot brought only happy memories as time passed. Sometimes, she’d visit, and they’d go there together and laugh about old times. In time, her tattoo was turned into a beautiful red rose, one devoid of thorns. But Tobias’s remained unabashedly “Casey” for the rest of his days. He covered it out of respect when her new love, who became a good friend, was around. But he never regretted it being there. It was a reminder, a memory of the only time he ever truly loved, and that could never bring him pain.

(I'm sorry. 💔)

Part 2: Unforgettable

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[paisley-print]

Chapter One

Warnings: Grief, divorce

Rating: 18+

Characters: Agent Whiskey x Reader

Note: I AM SO SORRY. Here is a little teaser of whats to come. This won’t be updated until after Near The Water’s edge. (I know the timeline is kinda jarring but ya girl needs to save time)      Again  I AM SO SO SORRY.

Series Master List

@scorpionerd  @just-here-for-the-moment@sherala007 @jediknight122 @pintsizemama @kenbechillin @elegantduckturtle @hearttbreak @tintinn16 @showbuckysomelove @somenerdyuser @kesskirata @ohyeasam @athalien @spideysimpossiblegirl @littlemisspascal @sheresh0y  @voteforpedro09 @greeneyedblondie44 @feel-it-on-the-way-home13​

Was it possible to grieve someone who was not yet dead? Three months of quiet solitude, existing, not living. You declined phone calls and most spent days in bed with the shades drawn. Moving didn’t help, it just made the isolation worse. A new one-bedroom apartment in a new small town only thirty minutes away could have been on the moon. 

The sunlight assaulted your senses as you moved into the kitchen, passing the boxes still sitting in the bare living room, not yet unpacked. You were shocked by how little you actually had. It seemed like your life over the last three years had boiled down to a trunk full of possessions and nothing else.  

You opened the cabinet above the sink and pulled down a glass to fill it with water from the tap. It nauseated you, but you knew it was necessary, so you forced it down your throat in big gulps. 

Things could not carry on this way for much longer. Your savings would not last past another month. Plus, you couldn’t live in denial forever. 

The meetings with your therapist, lovingly funded by your friend Casey, were helping. Though not enough. Your therapist, Rose, as she liked to be called, told you it was a grieving process that would get better with time. You liked Rose, not only for the advice she gave, but for the warm energy she exuded. Long ash grey hair extended down to her back in voluminous curls, and she dressed as if she had just stepped off a time machine from the 1970s.

You wanted it to all go away so badly, to wake up and have the last three years be some bizarre dream. You had been in denial for so long, because acknowledging it was painful. Acknowledging it made it real, and it scared the hell out of you. It meant coming out of the dark little fortress you had built in your bedroom and interacting with the world again. Interacting with him. 

You had to, though. There was no way around it. You had promised Rose that this week would be the week, and it was already Friday. You moved through the kitchen, opened the front door and stepped out onto the little landing. The apartment was really a two-story house converted into an upstairs and a downstairs unit. Unfortunately, there was no elevator, just a steep set of stairs going all the way down. 

From here, you had a clear view of the backyard that belonged to the family living in the ground unit. Sometimes you would see their children out playing in the backyard but not recently as it had been too cold. With shaking hands, you withdrew the phone from your pocket and dialed the number you knew by heart, along with the extension. 

It rang three times; you were about to hang up when you heard the receiver click and a voice you knew all too well came through the line. 

“Hello?”

You were stunned silent for a moment, your chest tightening. His lovely southern accent was as smooth and strong as ever. “Jack?”

It was his turn to pause; he recognized your voice immediately. The fact that you were even calling him must have meant something was very wrong. “Y/N? Are you alright?”

You drew in a shaky breath and nodded, although you knew he couldn’t see. Unable to find the words you needed, you raked a hand through your hair. “I... there,” you sighed, becoming frustrated. You took another deep breath and tried again. “I’m not well Jack. I’ve been sick nearly every day for four months now.”

“You think you’re…” he trailed off, the unspoken word hanging in the air. 

“Yeah” you confirmed. 

“And you’re sure that it’s...?”

You winced. Of course, it was his. You couldn’t even stomach the idea of someone else. “Yes”

There was a long silence on the line. Your heart raced with the possibility he didn’t believe you. 

Finally he spoke up, “have you seen a doctor yet?”

“No.”

“This upcoming week?”

“Sure.” You knew what his next question was going to be, so you shut your eyes reading yourself.

“Would you feel comfortable if I came along?”

You hummed in response, though your face twisted in disgust. 

 “Ok. I’ll make an appointment and text you a time.” He paused again, and you knew he had more to stay. You stayed on the line, unsure of whether you should hang up. 

His voice was soft when he finally spoke again. “Are you eating?”

For some reason, his question made you immeasurably angry. He had lost those privileges; it wasn’t right for him to be asking now. Not after he hurt you as he did. “I have to go, text me and I’ll meet you there…. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

You didn’t know…..you didn’t even know why you said it. “I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later” and with that, you hung up.

[mdotmaro]

Winging It

Author's Note: This story is set right after Vacation with Derek. Casey is going off to New York to like her dream as a dancer in a musical. But what if things are not what she expected? What if her dream was wrong? What if the most irritating person in your life is the only one that can talk some sense into you

And so the summer of 05 was coming to an end. The Blue Heron Lodge wasn't going anywhere, and Broadway was calling Casey's name. She sat at the dock, letting her toes dance across the surface, careful to avoid her heels getting wet. There were slight thumps on the floorboards of the dock.

"You know it's not much of a party if you go to brood off all alone. Maybe save the dramatics when you get on stage." Derek commented while he took a seat next to Casey. She chuckled quietly.

"You heard, huh?" She asked with a wistful smile on her face as she stared up at the stars.

"Hard not to when Nora and her hormones keep crying about it every five minutes; Casey laughed at that and wiped a stray tear from the corner of her eye. Derek eyed her and then recoiled at the sight of tears.

"Oh, come on, not you too. Jeez, I can't wait to be in University without all the estrogen seeping through the walls." He said and nudged her lightly.

"I am fine, really just taking it all in. My dream is really coming true, and I just have this light feeling in my chest that makes me want to laugh and cry all at once." She explained; he smirked at her.

"Well, if that feeling spreads to your right arm, let someone know because you might be having a heart attack," Derek said, and Casey shoved him.

"Yeah, I'll miss you too, Der, " She said, and Derek scoffed at the insinuation.

"Whatever, all I am saying is that New York is far enough away that it would be too much of a pain to Dad and Nora to go fly over and save you from whatever crisis you have; so" He cleared his throat and looked up at the sky and pointedly not at Casey. His ears were a tad pink.

"So, call me instead. But you're paying for the plane ticket." He added abruptly, but it was too late. Casey began to pout her lip and stare at Derek with tears in her light blue eyes.

"Aww, Der. You do care. Come here," She said and went to hug the young man that back peddled away from her.

"I take it back, don't call me. Don't touch me. Casey, I mean it," He said in a mock deep tone that made her glossy eyes glitter with amusement. It was a two-second pause between them before Derek sprinted up the dock with Casey close at his heels.

"Oh, come on, Derek, you love me, just admit it," Casey shouted and laughed after him. He blitzed away from her just as she was about to catch him by shirttail. Her fingers barely brushed the fabric. Derek thought he could lose her at the dock because there was no way she would risk falling off, Right? Wrong, one rolled ankle, and down she splashed into the dark water. Derek burst out laughing and continued until he realized Casey didn't resurface.

"Casey?" Derek called out and scanned the surface for any bubbles. A twinge of panic left his voice when he called out again. "Casey!" Still nothing. "Oh for the love of Peter" He grumbled before taking off his fancy shoes and jumping in and searched the water for any sign of her. He saw a dim image of a figure struggling against something. Derek swam over and saw it was her heavy wedge heel stuck between two pieces of driftwood. Casey was trying to yank her foot out; Derek broke the buckle and dragged her up. They both gasped, and then Casey hit Derek in the chest.

"Der-rek, those were my favorite shoes!" She panted and supported herself up by his arms until she could regain her breath. Derek stared open-mouthed at her.

"Fine. I'll just let you drown next time," He said and then smirked, and Casey's eyes widened before Derek dunked her head underwater. She swatted at him until he let her go, and then there was a splashing war. At one point, Casey was able to wrap her legs around Derek's waist and pushed down on his shoulders to dip him under.

"Casey, you are not allowed to drown Derek," Nora said passively as she waddled with her large belly to the bunkhouse with George. Derek picked Casey up and flung her back into the water.

"You heard her." Derek laughed at the haphazard hair plastered to her forehead. Casey dipped her head back to smooth out her hair.

"Let's get out of here; the water is freezing," Casey said and wrapped her arms tightly around herself; the dress she was wearing had stuck to her skin in a less than modest way than Casey was comfortable with. Derek unbuttoned his vest and handed it to her. She smiled and accepted the vest, and quickly buttoned up the middle. Jessie saw Casey from across the lawn and jogged over.

"Hey, Casey, a great night for a swim, eh?" He said while grinning at the waterlogged step-siblings. Derek nudged Casey's arm before heading out to the brunette waiting by the jet ski. Casey watched him go before turning back to Jessie. I guess you could say that. Want to go for a walk?" She asked while looping her arm through Jessie's.

"What happened to your shoes?" Jessie asked, indicating to her bare feet. Casey laughed

"It's a long story."

Six months later

The blaring car horns were surprisingly easy to adapt to. Casey particularly loved the little shops and cafes that seemed to flower at every corner. The organic wheatgrass and lemon zest smoothie was a favorite routine of hers before taking a run in central park. Rehearsal wasn't until 10 am, and Casey had to make sure to keep up her stamina for the demanding routine involved in the Jazztap Tango on Mango Street.

Casey was the roommate and unrequited love interest, Mindy. Jessie was the lead Georgio. He was taking his role as the Mainstreet casanova to heart. Whatever began at the Blue Heron Lodge was soon forgotten after there was so much research to do with so many women.

"I just need to get a better feel of the character. You understand, don't you?" Jessie explained at Casey's studio apartment. She stared at him and tried her best to stay civil. It was an act she had seen many times with Truman and certainly with Jessie. He wasn't exactly nonchalant about his veracious flirting as a waiter, and it only increased in New York when his charming shyness faded away.

"Of course, see you on set. K?" She said before gently closing the door. The apartment was basically a shoebox; she could barely practice her routine, and Casey was starting to get restless. There were a few framed pictures across the headboard of her twin bed. She picked up the last picture the entire family had taken together. Simon was just born, and they were all huddled together at the hospital. She smiled at the image that had been taken four months earlier. Simon must have at least doubled in size by now. Casey sighed at the knot in her chest and stared at the phone on her bed for a long moment before giving in and dialing.

"Yo, You've reached Derek Venturi. Leave a message, and I may or may not get back to you. Later" Casey rolled her eyes at the voicemail, but she still waited for the beep.

"Hey, It's Casey. No, I am not having a crisis. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing and to see if you had flunked any of your classes yet. Call me back when you can," She said, and that was two days ago, and she had not heard back from him since. The musical was supposed to air at the Radio City Music Hall for the first time that night at 8 pm. It was too short notice for any family or friends to be able to see it live, but they promised to come to the next showing in two months in Buffalo.

Casey quickly dressed and went up to the stage. "Alright, Casey, go up to the balcony and start from 'Carry On, '" The director Bernard Blue instructed from the front row. The prop balcony was just reinforced after a near spill last week that had Casey hanging on for dear life by the railing. Margret, the leading lady, had teased that Casey shouldn't have had that extra slice of pizza at rehearsal wrap-up. Derek said that she was being "Black Swanned" when she had called that night to vent her frustrations.

"You've seen The Black Swan?" Casey scoffed.

"Uh Yeah, Natalie Portman 'finding her sexual nature' on screen. How could I not?" He said.

"You're disgusting," She said, but they ended up laughing anyway.

Casey stared into the spotlight and let out a deep breath.

"Carry on, sweet dear. My mother always told me.

Carry on through these tears. Let them water your garden.

Soon the flowers will bloom and shade your views of the unkindness of this world." Casey's voice carried sweetly through the theater as she watered the small prop flowers on the balcony. Below Jessie danced and caressed Margret while Casey was made to gaze forlorn at them from above.

"But sometimes the flowers bloom is not enough.

Never enough." Casey sang with more force, and she flew down the stairs to meet the lovers, but before she descended, they were gone.

"Just living and watching you fade from me.

Even if you're happy, it will never be enough for me-" She ended with the saddest halt of her voice. The lights faded, and then she was shuffled backstage for the next scene. It had become just a monotonous cycle in her life. When did her dream become the very thing she dreaded each and every day. Maybe when it was when her dream became a job, and the freeing feeling she had when she danced was now controlled by someone else. She looked at the glittering face in the mirror. Casey had the opportunity to give into a secret desire to be a blonde for the role, but there was something different in her eyes. They seemed dull.

The play was a moderate success. There were no screaming crowds or cries for an encore like the director had predicted. Casey was honestly just glad it was over. When she went to the dressing room, she found someone in her chair. With a well-timed spin, Derek grinned at her, appearing quite at home.

"The real star is here," He announced, lounging in the makeup chair like a throne. Casey laughed and all but launched at him. She squeezed him in a hug.

"Chillz, Case. Can't breathe." Derek said but still gave her a gentle squeeze back. Some of the other girls began to mill into the dressing room and took in the scene of the two step-siblings.

"Aww, Casey, I didn't know you had enough time for a boyfriend." Eloise sneered. Casey gave the petite redhead a withering look.

"This is my step-brother, Derek. Derek, this is Eloise, Jasmine, Cossette, and Jamie." Casey said, milling off as the women eyed Derek with a predatory look. Casey wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"Oh, and is Derek single?" Eloise asked while batting her massive costume lashes at the man. Derek chuckled and got out of the chair, but before he could say anything.

"Oh, he is, but sorry to tell you, girls, he is gay. Come on, let me show you the city." Casey said before half dragging Derek out of the dressing room. Derek protested the entire time he was very much straight. Once they were on the street, Derek shook her off his arm.

"Jeez, Casey. Possessive much?" Derek complained. Casey shook her head.

"Please, Derek. Those theater girls would have eaten you alive." She teased. "Anyway, what made you come all the way over? How did you like the play? How is the family?" Casey rattled off as they walked down the street, the park was coming up, and they had a night market to celebrate the change into spring.

"Take a breath, Casey." Derek teased and shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. Casey closed her mouth and made a locking motion while throwing away a figurative key. Derek rolled his eyes.

"You are such a dork," He mumbled, and she put her hands on her hips. "Well, I heard your voicemail, and you are still a terrible liar; you are obviously having a crisis." And he held a hand to stall her protest. "Yes, you are, but I have to go down the list before you go on this verge of denial." He smirked

"The play was sappy but good, I guess. And the Fam is fine, I guess, you can reach out to them too, you know." He said and then lingered over to a hotdog vendor and ordered a dog with all the fixings, even relish. Derek took a huge, messy bite and then offered some to Casey, who gave a quick shake of her head.

"I know, and I try too, but these hours are so long with the play and rehearsals and the gym to stay in shape." She sighed. Derek sized her up.

"What's wrong with the shape you're in now?" Derek said through a mouth full of meat. Casey grimaced and offered him a napkin.

"Chew, swallow, then speak, you, Neanderthal," Casey said and then looked down at her thin, toned arms. "The costume designer has been complaining about having to use extra material for my costume because I am not a size two like the other girls," Casey said and crossed her arms in frustration.

"You'd look weirder than usual if you were super thin like them," Derek said after finishing his hot dog and wiping his mouth. They passed a beadwork station where Derek tossed his trash in the nearby bin, and Casey looked intently at the necklaces.

"I agree, but that's showbusiness. I don't have enough curves to be plus-sized and not thin enough to be seen as a regular dancer. It's exhausting," She admitted while touching a deep jade necklace like one her mother would wear.

"So, quit," Derek said simply. Casey turned away from the necklace and stared at him incredulously.

"I can't just quit on my dream, Derek. I have sacrificed too much for it not to work out." She said hotly. Derek gave her a bland look.

"I saw you up there; there is no passion in you." Derek accused. Casey scoffed.

"Please. What do you know about passion?" Casey asked, and he shrugged.

"I have been playing hockey since I was twelve, and I have never felt like getting up to play was ever work. You have been complaining for weeks about this, and it is just not what you expected. And that scares you." He accused. Casey shoved him.

"I am not scared!" She hissed, but it wasn't convincing. She gave into his penetrating look and slumped her shoulders. "Okay, fine. I thought it would be amazing to dance on a stage in front of hundreds of people every night, but it's not the same when the choreography is the exact same, and I don't have the creative liberties I would If I did my own choreography." She admitted—Derek tutt at her before lazily throwing his arm across her shoulders.

"Well, you can always modify your dream to fit your life." He said and then eyed a street band performing under a massive tree filled with string lights. Casey gave him a confused look, and then her eyes widened at him when he dragged her towards the band, and he twirled her around. "Like dancing in the park without any stuffed shirts of catty girls criticizing you." He said before joining her in a faced paced swing dance. Casey's face lit up with the biggest and most beautiful smile. She laughed and tilted her head back when Derek picked her up and spun her.

A small crowd of dancers joined in, and the band picked up its pace, and Derek let Casey down so she could take the reigns. This was her, Casey free and alive.

The two left the park with a little more pep in their step and laughing. Derek dragged them to the closest bar and ordered them whiskey shots. Derek started to sweet talk to the bartender and didn't even get carded. They were legal in Canada, but at nineteen, were not yet legal in the states. It helped that Derek had a bit of a blonde stubble beard going on. Casey just shook her head in amazement.

"I am the one supposed to be showing you around the city. I am the one who lives here," Casey said before clinking her shot glass with Derek's and downing it in one go. Derek laughed at her grimace as the whiskey burned down her throat.

"It's called confidence Casey, maybe you'll know all about it after a few more of these." He said and waved at the bartender for another round. He handed Casey another cool shot glass, and she met his determined gaze with one of her own. He leaned close to her ear and said over the loud music.

"Oh, and you're paying, by the way." He said, and before she could yell at him, he downed his shot and pulled on her hand to the dance floor. Casey refrained from his pulling to shakily downed her whiskey shot. Derek released her to the thumping music while he made eye contact with a blonde in a tight purple dress. Casey felt her limbs become loose and cool and began to sway to the beat. The writhing bodies pressed against another was not the type of music she was usually used to, but there was something hypnotic about it. A pair of arms snaked around her waist, and Casey flinched to see a handsome stranger with mint green eyes that shone against dark skin. He leaned close to her ear.

"Want to dance?" He asked, and she nodded nervously. He led her in a slow sway, lightly pressing his hips into hers. Casey bit back a gasp and ran her arms up and through her own loose waves. This was heaven. She followed the handsome stranger step for step and rolled her hips in a way that made him hiss. His hands began to drift from her hips to the back pockets of her low-ride jeans. It was only when he squeezed her bottom that she squealed and jumped away. The handsome stranger raised his hands up in surrender. He mouthed "sorry" to her, and she shook her head and smiled at him before moving more towards the center and dancing by herself. At least she was until Derek came over with another two shots, and she gladly accepted, now getting more used to the burn.

"You okay?" Derek shouted over the music. Casey nodded.

"Better than ever." She said and wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him into a more lively song. Derek put both their glasses on the nearby counter and began to sway along with Casey. This was much closer than they had ever danced before, and Casey was giggling and biting her bottom lip as she spun and gyrated onto Derek. Oh no, Derek thought. He had created a monster. He would have always thought Casey would be a lame weepy drunk, but it turns out she is a flirty drunk. Derek wasn't exactly sober either, and the night was still swinging along. He held for the ride with his hands firmly on Casey's hips. She spun and then wrapped her arms around his neck. She swayed back and forth with her eyes half-closed.

It's hard to say who moved; first, one moment, they were forehead to forehead, and then Casey whispering huskily, "Thank you for saving me, Derek" Derek chuckled and asked, "From what?". Casey's fingers ran through his smooth hair before leaning to his ear and whispering, "From myself" Maybe he was going to give her a reassuring kiss on the cheek. Maybe she only turned to put her head on his shoulder. Whatever their possible intentions, what happened was that their lips met for the briefest moment. They had enough sobriety to freeze and look into each other's eyes. Derek searched her baby blue eyes for any fear or concern but only found her doing the same, and a flicker of want glazed over her eyes. That was all each other needed for permission.

While the first kiss was sweet and innocent, this kiss was desperate and sensual. Derek pressed Casey closer and cupped the back of her head to deepen the kiss, and Casey let her hands trail down his chest to the hem of his shirt. In the course of their kissing, the song had changed to something slower; Casey and Derek took the opportunity to come up for air. Casey nuzzled into Derek's neck, and he held her close.

"What are we doing?" Casey asked and pulled back to look at Derek. She half expected a sarcastic remark like, What does it look like? We were making out, and now we're not. Not that big a deal, Case. But Casey had never seen Derek like this before. His face was open and vulnerable.

"I don't know," He said and shook his head. He smoothed some hair out of her face and smiled down at her. Casey smiled back and leaned up to kiss him lightly. She rubbed her hands over his arms.

"Well, whatever this is, let's wing it," Casey announced confidently. Derek laughed at that and shook her lightly.

"What?" Casey pouted. Derek shook his head and slung an arm over her shoulder, leading her out of the dance floor towards the bar to pay their tab.

"'Let's wing it,'" He imitated her in an absurdly high pitch tone. "You are still such a Keener," He said. She elbowed his side.

"Der-rek," She whined as he pat her head in a condescending way.

"It's okay; you're a cute kenner." He said with a wink. She forked up the cash for their tab and joined him out in the New York nightlife.

They stared out at the buildings from Casey's fire escape. Neither said anything for several minutes until Casey broke the silence.

"I have to drop out of the play," Casey announced, and Derek smoothed her hair in response. "Yeah, you got me thinking."

"Oh no," Derek said and snickered when she lightly slapped his knee. Casey was sitting between his legs and leaning back into his chest.

"I want to go back to school, but not for Law. I want to own my own dance studio." She said, and Derek put his chin on top of her head.

"So, Casey Macdonald found a way to make a career where she is in complete control. Shocker." He whispered the last part into her ear; she smiled and then turned around so she was facing him.

"Plus, going to university will give us time to figure out whatever this is." She said as she placed her hands on his shoulders. He smirked at her.

"Yeah, sure, let's 'wing it,'" He said, and Casey slid her hands up to his neck and kissed him until the sun began to rise, and they both finally succumbed to exhaustion.

[katierosefun]

well, here we are! june basically flew by and it was a little rough, but we’re back with some long recs on cool things i’ve read/listened to/watched, and i’m about to force everyone to sit down and listen to my sleepover-esque ted talk in which i give unwarranted and unasked for rec lists. so here we go!

kdrama:

while you were sleeping

okay, so i tried to watch this kdrama when it came out in like...2017, i think? but for some reason, i wasn’t able to get past the first episode. i don’t really know why? because it’s so beautifully shot, and i super love the premise, which is basically this girl and this guy are somehow able to see things that are going to happen in the future...but only in their dreams. this whole kdrama really handled the plot super well--each episode honestly felt like a movie in itself, and the filming was just stunning, and i think this has to be one of the most visual kdramas i’ve ever seen. each character is also super interesting and complex on their own, and i really loved seeing such a strong cast of characters interact with each other in this world. 

i think the only slight downside of this kdrama was that i couldn’t really get invested in the romance? i’m not quite sure why--i found both lead actors’ performances wonderful, and don’t get me wrong, i did think they were cute together as the drama went on, but i still couldn’t find myself buying into the romance until maybe relatively late in the drama (like...ep 11 or so? ep 16 was honestly when i realized that awww, wait, they’re actually super cute). but then again, i feel like the writers weren’t really prioritizing the romance either--i think they really wanted us to think about the beauty of dreams and redemption and how everyone can touch another person’s life in some significant way, so i can’t really be mad about it!

but anyways, overall i really enjoyed this kdrama and watched it all a lot faster than i thought i would! SOLID music, beautiful cinematography, good acting, mostly good writing, and some really memorable characters! def. a must-watch if you love suspense, aesthetics, and some wonderful characters.

the ghost detective

i’m someone who doesn’t like horror or scary things at all, but i was so intrigued by the plot and whatever material i saw on tumblr, and...of course, choi daniel, lee joo young, lee ji ah, and park eun bin. honestly, this is just a really wonderful and really underrated cast, and they really all brought out their a-game for this 32-episode supernatural / thriller / horror drama. basically, this kdrama follows the story of a young woman who’s trying to figure out who murdered her younger sister...and of course, there’s something supernatural going on. 

honestly, this kdrama was such a ride. i loved the crime-solving aspect of it, and i was really in love with the interactions between all the characters, esp. that of eun bin and daniel’s characters. (guys...they’re so ride and die for each other. there’s also so much yearning. so much yearning in this kdrama, it just about killed me--) 

the villain was absolutely, appropriately, elegantly creepy, and like...scary beyond belief. basically, the villain (lee ji ah’s character) feeds her victims these harmful thoughts and ultimately get them to kill themselves. it’s sad and haunting, especially when you see that the victims tell their victims “don’t listen to the bad things. try only to listen to the good things”. and...yeah. themes of how to handle all of these bad feelings inside of you really came through in this kdrama, and there were a lot of themes of suicide and the kind of rage and sadness that comes with that. (also! if you’re a fan of lots of angsty/whumpy situations....this kdrama definitely does not hold back with all of your fave whump/angst tropes! literally! every! episode! i! had! to! lie! down! because! too! powerful!)

school 2013 

(aww, look at this precious cast…as though they didn’t all make me ugly cry at least five times—)

yeah, yeah, yeah, i’ve talked about this kdrama ad nauseum, and i know i watched it last month, but as i was studying for the lsat, i really, really, really needed some comfort. most notably comfort re: studying life, academics, how difficult it is to study but also be uncertain of your dreams…and if you are certain of your dreams, how that sometimes requires studying but that just makes life all the more overwhelming…can you tell i’ve been thinking about this a lot

i’m not going to ramble more about this kdrama considering i already have done so multiple times, but i enjoyed this rewatch and honestly,,,my love for this show has just grown even more. there’s a good reason why people consider this a comfort kdrama, because. i consider myself deeply comforted. also, i’ve been listening to the ost for the whole month. it’s become a problem. but sometimes. sometimes you need to listen to songs that feel like someone’s patting you on the head and telling you don’t give up, set down your burdens, don’t think you’re alone and dream whatever you want to dream, go wherever you want to go. i’ll stop talking now, but god. when i say that i think everyone who has ever felt incredibly tired by work or school and just wished for someone to give them a big hug either then or now...god. this is just one of those kdramas that i think honestly touched so many people’s lives, and i’m very grateful for the cast and crew and writers for ever bringing this story to life. :’) (god, okay, now i’ll stop talking before i make myself cry i’m fine this is fine)

your honor

so, i watched this kdrama thinking that it would be light and funny given that yoon shi yoon is the main male lead, but boy was i wrong--don’t be fooled by these happy little faces, this kdrama is heavy. this kdrama is about a young man (with a criminal record) who winds up impersonating his twin brother, who happens to be a judge. we also have a trainee who, after seeing the legal system fail her older sister, is on the rise to dispense justice through the courts the best she can.

honestly, the first few episodes were rough, mostly because of the content. big trigger warning for rape, violence, and sexual harassment at work. this kdrama really didn’t hold back when it came to addressing how the very people who use the law can also be the very same people who manipulate and abuse it. because of that, i found this kdrama incredibly powerful. that said, it certainly had its lighthearted moments too. 

overall though, i liked this kdrama. the main characters were incredibly complex and genuinely the type to make me believe that for all the injustices in the world, there are still and always will be people fighting for the right thing. as someone who wants to enter the legal field, this kdrama was just uplifting. i was so blown away by the absolute rawness of the main two leads, esp. yoon shi yoon, who i’ve only ever seen in super lighthearted kdramas. so this was a really interesting change of pace, and i genuinely enjoyed watching this!

waiting for love

so this kdrama is just two episodes, and what’s better is that it’s available on youtube! it’s about two college students--a young woman who’s been hurt by falling in love with jerks now just wants to date, not really fall in love...and a young man who’s excellent at giving dating advice except he’s afraid that he’s never going to actually fall in love, so he just dates a girl for the sake of dating.

now, i kinda thought that this show was going to be kinda lighthearted, a little shallow--but it was weirdly...comforting? idk, i found myself liking it a lot more than i thought it would be. this is far from the perfect kdrama, and i kinda wished that we got more than 2 episodes because i think some of the plot points could have been better expanded, but...there were genuinely a lot of scenes that made me think a bit more about what it actually means to be in a loving relationship--like how it’s not enough to just put on a happy smile and eat meals together, but like...you know. there has to be trust and actual liking and also, yeah, maybe a bit of frustration in order to actually know whether a relationship is real or not. and given that the characters were all discussing the pressure on getting married and romance esp. when you’re in your twenties...idk. makes you think about are you dating someone for the sake of appearances? or do you genuinely...like them?

there was also quite a few tropes that i personally adore in this kdrama, which helped balance out the stuff i found more tiring. there was a lot of the “right person, wrong time” stuff going on (you really want the two main leads to get together after a certain point, and you just keep holding your breath whenever they walk past each other and beg please please please let it be this time...), and also that good old “two strangers fall in love with each other purely over writing to each other” (god. first the half of it, then me & au, then greenhouse podcast...something about this trope huh). that said, there were def. some parts that made me “:////” because some of the characters were kind of frustrating, but i’m gonna chalk that up to good writing since i think i was mostly mad about how i knew people like some of the characters lol. overall, i think this might be at least semi-enjoyable--it’s probably not something i’ll watch again, but it def. made me mull over what it means to actually be in a loving relationship, esp. if you’re in your twenties and everyone around you seems to be in happy romantic relationships/getting engaged and whatnot. 

movie: 

columbus 

i’m a firm believer that there are some movies that are meant to cheer you up, some movies meant to make you cry, and then there’s some movies that are just meant to...sit with you. and this movie is definitely one of them. this story follows casey, a high school graduate, and jin, the son of a famous architect. the two of them are both so incredibly exhausted with their lives (casey with her constant worry about her mother, who’s a recovering drug addict; jin with his surface-level lack of concern for his comatose father). in their small town of columbus, indiana, the two of them bond over architecture and just. being quietly there for each other.

this movie’s been compared a few times to lost in translation in the sense that there’s this not quite romance between the two leads, who have a bit of an age gap (john cho and haley lu richardson have about 20 between them!). to be honest, i didn’t really get the sense that there was supposed to be a romance. if anything, it just felt like...two really lonely people finding each other. definitely not a simple friendship--definitely not a familial kind of relationship, definitely intimate. 

idk. i think this movie might not be for everyone--i definitely agree with a lot of past reviewers that this movie is on the slower side. there’s some stuff here about complicated relationships with parents, a lot of cool architecture, really beautiful shots...and overall, it’s just...quiet. it’s lovely, and i can’t really stop thinking about it. it’s subtle, bittersweet, and oddly compelling. might not be the kind of thing you’d want to watch in the middle of the day, but if you’re a little sad and in the mood for something not to necessarily lift your spirits but...at least acknowledge them and sit with you, then...this is the movie to watch. idk. i felt kind of crummy the day i watched this movie, and i felt as though someone just sat next to me on a park bench until the sun went down. (mayhaps specific but hush, i’m writing this right after finishing this movie, so i’m...feeling a certain way.)

wish dragon 

i watched this movie right after watching columbus because a) decided i was in the mood for something lighter, and b) i learned that john cho?? voiced?? the dragon?? (caroline your crush on john cho’s jumping out this month...) 

but anyways! i loved this movie a lot. it was so satisfying? like, just narratively speaking? and the animation was wonderful and also weirdly smooth and satisfying, and there were a lot of funny and touching moments. this movie’s about this young man named din who stumbles upon a magical teapot that holds the wish dragon long--long has to grant din three wishes, and yes, i know, very aladdin, but that said, this movie has so many original twists that it feels weird to call it an aladdin retelling. it really did feel like a movie completely on its own, which i applaud the writer and director for! 

i don’t want to spoil too much of this movie, but something i really enjoyed was that din’s main wish is just to see his old childhood friend again. idk, i think we all have that one friend from when we were really little that we miss--and this movie really dug into that, as well as themes about parents wanting to do the best they can to provide for their kids, and!!! and long the dragon gets his own storyline and amazing character development too!!! i was honestly just amazed at how this movie fleshed out the characters so well and had so many wonderful themes that just made me tear up. guys. this movie’s great. highly recommend for its wonderful characters and the power of friendship. just a grand old time in general. :’))

searching 

yeah...yeah, i wasn’t kidding about my crush on john cho this month. yes, i watched three of his movies within 24 hours. this movie is about david kim who’s looking for his missing 16 year old daughter, margot. this film is honestly noteworthy for many reasons, one of them being that the entire movie is told through like...a laptop screen, as in we kind of follow david’s frantic search through facetime, facebook, tumblr...which i honestly didn’t think i’d be into, but whoo boy, i was wrong. it just added to the whole addictive quality of this movie, as it usually does when it comes to anything from the thriller genre. 

but besides this just being a straight up addictive thriller with absolutely mouth-dropping twists (but like...good twists, and smart twists, good god--), this movie was just...touching? there’s so many themes related to what grief does to a family (because we learn within the first 10 minutes that the mom died due to cancer), and there’s just...something really fragile about relationships between surviving family members. i was absolutely blown away by john cho’s performance as a tentative and grieving widower whose world just absolutely falls apart in his search for his daughter. this movie was just so...real because of that. like, yes, this movie has all of the suspense that you would expect this kind of movie to have, but there was also just...so many beautiful themes about grief and how far parents would go for their kids and godddd yeah no i started sobbing when the movie ended. god. 

also, my bias towards john cho aside, i...really loved his character. david kim is absolutely believable, and like? he’s not just the guy putting the pieces together--he’s also the guy who misses his wife and also the guy who wishes that he was there for his daughter. he’s also the guy who pauses and re-writes all his text messages because he’s trying to be a good dad. i feel like with a lot of these suspense / missing person movies, it’s really easy to have characters who are just the stoic alpha male types--and david kim definitely had his badass moments in this movie, but like...something i just loved was seeing the vulnerability that comes with...having a missing child. being a parent. god. this movie messed me up but in a good way. i can honestly say that this movie is now probably going to be one of my fave movies of all time. highly recommend, am literally obsessed with it.

book:

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid

ohohoho………where to begin with this book. this was one of those books where i was like “huh i kinda don’t understand why people are so obsessed with this book”, but then i hit like...page 20 or 30 and was like “oh god i Literally Cannot Put This Book Down Oh No” and wound up finishing it in like three days (mind you, i only read at like...midnight these days. i don’t understand why either). 

i finished this book at like 2 am and promptly burst into tears because this was just one of those books. it follows the story of evelyn hugo, a famous hollywood actress from the 60s or so and onwards. known for her intense beauty and her seven husbands, she’s now giving an exclusive interview to the young reporter monique grant, where she’s about to tell all about her life. this book had me dropping my mouth multiple times, and i think tjr can spin one hell of a story, with so many good twists and turns and intensely memorable characters. by the end of the book, i was actually mad that evelyn hugo wasn’t a real person, because i, too, fell a little in love with her and thought, i want to actually watch her movies. i want to learn even more about this remarkable woman. 

but alas! she’s not real, so i don’t get to see her accept an oscar or look up all the tabloids about her and her seven husbands or her speculated (and very, very, very real) relationship with celia st. john. basically...i just loved this book. the last line made me smile and laugh and cry a little bit (actually...cry a lot), and y’know...i’ll admit it’s not totally perfect, but i’m glad this book exists, and i’m glad that even though tjr isn’t bi herself, was very adamant in this book about bisexuality being real. just. like. god. once again. mad that evelyn hugo isn’t real. it’s fine, she’s real in my heart.

[farfarawaygirl]

Do you think the fandom has a good grasp on who Sylvie is?

I was rereading fanfic and some posts on here, because I’m obsessed, and I realized that everyone in their stories had sylvie freaking out in the ambo crash and bursting into tears when she saw Matt (even having a panic attack in one). Yet she did none of that 👀 she got Mackey and herself out of the ambo and then helped Halleck. She was completely calm and collected.

I also read some post saying sylvie would break down when she had another gun pointed at her, but she took it so well and was ordering halleck around? No past trauma coming to light at all. She handled it like a boss.

A lot of people also thought she would be mad and yell at Casey for putting himself in danger when he jumped out of 81, but she looked so touched that he was willing to do that for her?

I’m not too sure if I’m reading too much into it, but people are making her out to be so overly emotional and she’s not? Like in all the fics it’s always “sylvie felt tears come to her eyes, or her eyes shined with tears”. Like no? That’s not her.

Also this one is kinda dumb, but in fics sylvie is always the cold one who uses Matt as a heater, but she’s usually the only one who takes her coat off when at Molly’s patio? Everyone is bundled up but she’s not? Maybe because she’s from Indiana? 🤷‍♀️

I know fic and posts on here are opinion pieces, but I’m questioning if people actually grasp Sylvie’s true character.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 😅 it’s been floating in my brain for a while.

Damn I love a thought out ask!

Like most things with interpretation and fandom, there are a few ways this could be answered.

First, I do not think Sylvie is fragile. Maybe it’s the Hoosier in her, or the farm girl, or just who she is at her core, but there is something solid there. Made me think of that “porcelain, ivory, steel” analogy.

I think that everyone who write fic, puts a little bit of themselves into to words, and so when other (or even me) might see something as OOC there is usually a reason. It might not make sense to anyone else, but for them, something they saw on the show made their brain go “that would be an acceptable reaction”.

Now, I’m thinking through things I’ve written - I know that I have definitely had her cry a few times, even stomp her foot in frustration, but - I think Sylvie has always been portrayed as calm under pressure. Good in the action, and more reserved in her emotional/personal life. Not that she doesn’t share herself, but (and I know I’ve said this on a post about Sylvie and trauma) she also does something where she appears very open and engaged with the people around her while actively not sharing her hurt. It’s a coping mechanism! It’s one I use, so I noticed it right away. It’s just this upfront action, here’s a smile and a little bit about me, enough so that you can’t see the mess.

One thing I will say, is that even when I watch the show I sometimes feel like important things are being ignored or missed - like the actual writers don’t get the characters they’re working with. That’s because shows go through changes, actors leave, love stories get rewritten, writers cycle through, people forget the details that the audience connected with.

With Sylvie it’s a bit more complex.

There is her physical representation: people are never really prepared for the slight, blonde, blue eyed woman to be physically competent. But we have seen Sylvie kick out a windshield to escape, we’ve seen her hold a gun to her attackers, we’ve seen her hold the weight of a drugged out girl up while she waited for rescue. Hell, we’ve seen her weld shit. We should not be surprised that just because she doesn’t grab a hose and run into fires that she isn’t physically strong.

Her emotional representation: Sylvie is hyper aware of emotions. Hers, 51, patients. She takes on a lot emotionally because of this. She can coax someone towards calm - the kids in the fire/hostage situation, Logan Miller running for bad guys, even the times she has been in danger her calm exterior has usually desecalated the situation. This ties into her physical representation because people usually don’t see a threat in the slight, blonde, blue eyed women. We’ve seen her grow her emotional maturity, going from crying over a call alone in her car to reaching to people in the house to talk things through. Because she’s so in tune with emotions, she checks in with others - and here’s the kicker, she can turn her emotions of. When she decided to stay on shift regardless of Halleck, but checked in in Mackey. When she just gets the job done then deals with the threat. I think this situation with Matt is the first time she has had a really hard time turning off the emotions. Even when she and Sheffield broke up, she was able to distract herself, but with Matt this is to close to heartbreak.

One of the only times we’ve seen a really big dramatic™️ scene from Sylvie that didn’t really make sense was the plot line around her possibly being pregnant. Knowing what we know, her adoption story, what was happening with Antonio, and that hormones are the worst, we can understand that some of that was out of place but not out of character.

With every fandom there are fics that have insane kudos and people always talk about, but that some readers just don’t connect with. Honestly, that is why I started writing Brettsey - I saw first the lack of fic, and second that when there was sometimes fic I didn’t connect with the characters like I did on my tv screen.

Part of this, I’m sure, is also that Sylvie has been around for a while, but was typically a B storyline character. We’ve had 7 seasons with her, she’s the longest running female character in Chicago Fire, but her importance was really ranked up in season 7/8/9 as far as who she was interacting with.

At the end of the day, I love Sylvie. I think that she is an expressive, complex, silly, caring, smart, dedicated, loving character who would step in front of anyone who had a gun pointed at them. I think everyone gets a little something different from her - and that’s okay! Art/tv/fic is a little about interpretation, so not everyone will share the same feelings or view.

This happenes in real life too, sometimes a new friend will find their way into your friend group, and your kill bill sirebs are engaged, but everyone else is chill with them. There has to be that give and take. 

Keep reading! Keep writing! Keep watching! But most important, keep thinking, because at the end of the day the ability to discern when someone is not being portrayed in a way you feel is authentic shows tremendous engagement and thought.

[procrastinatorimagines]

Okay Part 3

Fandom: One Chicago

Series: Okay

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 // Part 8 (Final)

Characters: Halstead!Reader, eventual Casey x Reader

Warning/s: mentions of fire, death

Word Count: 1,166

Summary: After narrowly escaping certain death you decided to turn your life around and become a firefighter, and although it wasn’t easy, you survived your first day at 51. Now, the strange circumstances of your very first fire lead you back to the scene of a potential crime, but as you dig deeper, aided by your brothers, you begin to realise just how in over your head you might be.

Tags: @alievans007​

Over your next few shifts you started to get into the rhythm of the firehouse, started to feel like you belonged, but no matter how many fires you went into, your very first one never stopped playing in your mind.

You and Casey had spent hours milling over all the information you had from that fire, what you remembered, what Gallo and Kidd reported about the downstairs, all of it. While you weren’t exactly sure what happened in that house one thing was very clear, it was arson.

At night you saw that little girls face, but in your dreams you couldn’t save her, too frozen in place to do anything other than watch her burn. Sometimes she was in that room, behind that desk how you found her, but other times she was tied in that basement you were held in. You woke up sweating, telling yourself over and over that you’d saved her, but had you really?

While this case was still unsolved, you couldn’t be sure if she was really safe, so that’s what you were going to do.

Right now you were over late at Casey’s, reading over the interviews from the mother and daughter about the fire, legs crossed on the floor leaning back against the couch as Casey brought you another coffee from the kitchen. 

“Thanks,” you mumbled, eyes glued to the words on the page. You’d already read it, several times, but it was wrong, all of it. The fire had been ruled an arson, but the mother had been ruled out first, having been over at the neighbours at the time of the incident. Severide had given you some explanation about the type of accelerant used and how quickly the fire spread, apparently the timeline didn’t match up for the mother being involved, but you couldn’t shake the feeling she knew more than she was letting on.

You needed more, needed a suspect, an angle to work in order to get Intelligence involved. Jay wanted to help, but with nothing to go on his hands were tied. Will had treated the girl, Lily, at Med, but she’d barely said two words while she was there, apparently too shaken up to speak. When you’d spoken to Will he’d told you honestly that he couldn’t be sure if it was shock from being in the fire itself, or shock from something else. 

How the hell had she ended up in that little room? It had sustained too much damage to get much evidence from it, but it had been small, with what appeared to be a bed inside. Stella had told you about a similar case she’d worked involving foster kids, but Lily definitely wasn’t adopted and by all accounts, she had a good life with her loving mother. Even so...

“Some of these words don’t look like words anymore,” Casey sighed, putting down the file he was reading and rubbing his temple. You looked up from your paper at him, knowing exactly what he meant, ‘arson’ had stopped looking like English a long time ago. “That’s usually a sign to call it a night.”

“Yeah you might be right,” you resigned, frustrated. Despite spending hours with Casey tonight, you didn’t feel like it had been productive at all. 

Casey watched you put away the mother’s statement. “You know, I’ve been doing this a long time, and the way that mother reacted... I just don’t think she’s involved,” he told you honestly as you passed him some of the files to put away in the box at his side. 

“You’re probably right, but someone knows more than they’re telling us, someone else must have been at that house,” you mused, wishing Lily would say more. Casey nodded, agreeing with you. Severide had gone to talk to Seager at OFI, gotten their thoughts on the investigation, but without witnesses or leads, they couldn’t do anymore than they already had. If someone knew something, they were keeping it to themselves.

“How about this, tomorrow at shift we take a drive to go see Lily and her mother now that they’re both out of the hospital, see if they’ve remembered anything else?” He suggested, standing up and offering you a hand to pull you up off of the floor. You nodded and accepted the help, stretching out your stiff limbs and putting your coffee cup onto the table. 

It was the first time you’d been to Casey’s, but you’d had been spending more time with him this past week than you had the entire time you’d known each other. He was as determined as you to try and solve this case, you were the only two who’d been there to pull that girl out, seen how scared she had been when you’d found her trapped in that little room. 

“Sounds like a plan Captain,” you replied and Casey grinned as you turned to grab your things, not realising until that moment quite how late it had gotten. 

“Start of your second week,” Casey noted, you’d been so caught up in this case that it hadn’t properly sunk in that you’d made it through your first week as a firefighter. “You’re doing good Y/N, I mean that,” he told you.

“Thanks,” you smiled gratefully as saw you out the door. It hadn’t been an easy week, but you’d given it your all, so it meant a lot for Casey to acknowledge that you were doing well. He opened his mouth to say something else but he was interupted by the ringing of your phone. 

Apologising you pulled it out of your pocket, seeing that your brother Will was calling you. What did he want at this hour? 

“Hey Will,” you answered, realising as you did that he must have been on shift now. 

“Hey Y/N,” he replied, his tone quite clearly indicating that there was something seriously wrong. 

You cast a worried glance at Casey as he watched you with confusion. “What is it? What’s going on?” You asked.

Will paused before he answered, trying to find the right words to say. “There was another fire, I thought you’d want to know, that little girl Lily and her mother Sue were staying at a friends house and-”

“Oh god,” you gasped, hand going to your mouth in shock. Another fire? “Are they alright?” You asked quickly, noting Casey’s concerned expression and putting hurriedly putting your phone on speaker. 

“Y/N- The mother didn’t make it, and the friend’s in critical but Lily should be fine, the paramedics that brought them in said the fire spread quicker than anything they’d ever seen,” he explained. 

You swallowed hard, knowing there was nothing you could have done but wishing you’d done more anyway. “We’re on our way, thanks,” you told Will and hung up.

“I’ll drive,” Casey decided, grabbing his coat and shoes quickly as you still stood by the door, frozen as your mind raced. 

You had to find out who was doing this. You had to.

[lem-20]

Crashing down

Summary: A rewrite of Bk 1 Ch 13 on-call room chat with Bryce. Casey discusses what's got her stressing out and also her relationship with Ethan.

Pairing: Ethan x MC (Casey Valentine). Ethan doesn't appear in this fic, but the relationship is discussed with Bryce.

Warning: Mild sexual reference

Word Count: 950

A/N: I am currently rewriting and adding scenes from book one. I thought I would add this one in as I thought it was a nice opportunity to discuss the relationship with Ethan with another character. I have also been exploring what may happen if 2 of the LI's were aware of MC's relationship with the other. In my version of events Casey slept with Bryce after she kissed Ethan in Miami. Things happened to make each aware that something was going on with the other. (Read my previous 2 fics here and here)

Disclaimer: Characters and some dialogue owned by pixelberry.

Casey sat on a cot in one of the on-call rooms. Bryce sat alongside her, his arm draped around her shoulders. She had bumped into him a few moments before, as she walked frantically through the corridor, her thoughts threatening to overwhelm her.

"I can't stop thinking about...about everything. Poor Mrs Martinez and the investigation into her death...wondering if I'll still have a career at the end of the week...wondering if I even deserve one. Dr Banerji's diagnosis. Dr Ramsey quitting the hospital, being sabotaged at every turn...and now this sweet, sick kid I can't diagnose. I feel like everything is crashing down around me." She placed her head in her hands and let out a long sigh.

She had hoped that saying everything out loud would make her feel a little better. But hearing herself list everything just made her wonder how she had held it together for as long as she had.

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked, concern etched across his features.

"Because good doctors can handle whatever's thrown at them. And I really want to be a good doctor."

"You're already a good doctor. Hell, you're the best medical intern in the hospital."

"Don't think I didn't notice you qualified that to just the medical interns."

"To be honest, you are better than most of the surgical interns too."

She leaned her head on Bryce's shoulder.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's all too much. If Ethan Ramsey quit, what chance do I have?"

"Hey, you can do this." He squeezed her shoulder, encouraging her to look at him. His eyes were intense and earnest.

"It's wild to me that you don't realise how great you are." He gazed into her eyes and rubbed her cheek. "Casey, how can I make you feel better?"

The way he looked at her told her that she could ask pretty much anything of him in that moment. Yes, he was promiscuous, but he was also a kind and caring guy. He had a way of making her feel completely at ease around him. She knew from their previous encounters that he could leave her feeling physically satisfied at the very least. But, then she though of Ethan. Her feelings for him seemed to be getting stronger by the day. As much as their predicament left her frustrated, she felt that she was now beyond the point where she could engage in anything casual with someone else. Ethan was who she wanted and until she knew for certain there was no future for them, she was prepared to wait. She was sure of that now.

She pulled Bryce in for a tight hug. "I'm sorry, it was a moment of weakness."

He rubbed her back gently. "Hey, your moments of weakness are a hell of a lot tougher than most folks at their best. So keep your chin up okay."

She smiled as she enjoyed their embrace for a few more moments.

"Can I be honest with you? I've known you a while now. And I know you can handle pressure. I don't think that's what's got you so mixed up." He said as he leaned back to look at her.

"Then what has?"

"This isn't something new, its the same thing you've carried with you all along. Your doubt. I know people think I'm an arrogant jerk. But, I just know how to own my talent. You've never done that, you always justify why you're here. I think you don't feel like you're cut out for this. And you're so wrong." He smiled at her warmly.

"Thank you Bryce." She said, smiling back at him.

"Can I ask you something before we get back to work?"

"Sure." She replied

"Is something going on between you and Dr. Ramsey?" He eyed her cautiously, unsure if he was crossing a line.

Although she definitely didn't want whatever was going on between them to be public knowledge, she had always found it hard to lie if someone asked her a question directly.

She decided to tell him the truth.

"Umm...well, not really. I mean, we've kissed a couple of times. But we're not together or anything."

Even though it was he who brought up the subject, he still looked a little shocked by the revelation.

"Wow. I kinda pictured Ramsey as some sort of syborg who was incapable of human emotions and relationships." He chuckled.

She couldn't help but giggle. "Bryce! Honestly, you'd be surprised. He can be really...different sometimes." Her mood soon returned to being more serious.

"You've really got feelings for him haven't you?"

She nodded.

"And does he feel the same way?" He asked with intrigue.

"I think so, I don't really know. It's complicated." She laughed as she realised she had uttered the words she disliked hearing Ethan say.

"I don't know what's so funny, but it's nice to see you laughing." He looked sincerely happy to see her smiling.

"Do you think I'm stupid even thinking of getting involved with an attending?"

"Casey, the heart wants, what the heart wants. I don't think much can stand in the way if two people really want to be together. I just don't want to see you getting hurt though. Honestly, he'd be lucky to have you."

"You always manage to cheer me up Bryce. I hope you know how much a appreciate having a friend like you."

"Yeah, I am pretty great." He smirked.

She laughed at him. Although some people thought he was arrogant, she had nothing but affection for Bryce Lahela.

"You ready to face the world again?" He asked.

"Yeah, thanks to you." She replied, smiling at him. "Let's go."

☆☆

Thank you so much for reading 🥰

☆☆

Tags: @pixie88 @lifeaskim @queencarb @udishaman @lucy-268 @starrystarrytrouble @txemrn @ethanramseyyy @schnitzelbutterfingers @drariellevalentine @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Ethan

@aarisa-frost (I tagged you as there is talk of the relationship with Ethan. I hope that's okay)

♡Please let me know if you would like to be added to my tag list♡

[writingfromkitchenator]

The Demon, The Hunter, and The Halfblood

Masterlist

Crowley x Original Female Character

Chapters: One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine

Series Warnings: A/B/O series, some Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alpha x Omega, obligatory smut warning here (as usual, no under 18′s please, specifics will be within chapter warnings as needed), violence, blood, fluff, angst, major character death, possession, swearing

Chapter 10

Words: 2,802

“So this is where they hang out now?”  Madelyn asked as they appeared in the bunker, looking around, her gaze quickly drawn to the stacks of book shelves and weapons.  “They have all this and they still get stuck?”

Crowley chuckled, not missing the look of curiosity in her eyes. “I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to go through some of them love, although, I would recommend not around Casey.”

Madelyn shot him a look before rolling her eyes.  “Come on, let’s get this fixed up so we can make sure she’s safe from everything out there first.”

He smirked after her, watching as she paused before looking back at him.  “Are you just going to stand there and watch me make an idiot out of myself?”

Crowley laughed, going to her and kissing her lightly on the cheek.  “Isn’t that what you normally do?”

“Watch it mister,” Madelyn said, following after him, smiling. “We’re alone here.  I can do to you as I please.”

“That isn’t exactly a warning.”

“Try me, dear, I promise I can still surprise you.”

“I would never doubt otherwise.”

It took a little time but eventually Crowley went looking for Madelyn, done with his wards and couldn’t help but smile when he found her seated, her head in a book, looking like she was taking it far too seriously.  He leaned against the doorway, watching her for a long moment.  He’d never admit it, but it was seeing her in quiet moments like this that he could never get enough of.

Sadly, he knew he couldn’t linger too long, knowing that Casey was at stake.

“Of all the books you’ve accessed to over the last few years,” He said, walking over to her and ignoring her eye roll.  “You choose these ones to sit down and start reading?”

“Well, considering these ones I can actually read,” Madelyn said, turning the page.  “And aren’t in Enochian or whatever other languages your books are in.  Have they really not taken a lot of time to read these?”

Crowley shrugged.  “With the way those two work?  I doubt it.”

Madelyn hummed before thinking for a moment, a slight worry creasing her brow.  “We have to keep Casey away from these.  She’s not ready for anything like this yet.”

“Obviously,” He said, joining her and tugging the book out of her hands.  “Although, I keep telling you, you aren’t going to be able to stop her curiosity forever, especially when she knows what I am, and Castiel.”

She sighed, watching as he put the book down.  “And the demons that got her the other day, and my own set of unique abilities and-” Madelyn rubbed her forehead.  “Too much to think about.”

Crowley held out his hand and Madelyn took it, letting him pull her to feet, quickly pulling her into his arms.  “Stop worrying so much love.”

Madelyn scoffed a little.  “And you aren’t?”

He grinned.  “Not in a way that I’m letting it show.”

She laughed and he kissed her, making her sigh and lean into him.

“Feeling the effects already are we?”  He said against her lips.  “Your brothers are going to love that.”

“Don’t care.”  Madelyn pulled him in for a firmer kiss, and he let her stay for as long as she needed to.

When she did pull away with a slightly frustrated sigh, she shook her head.  “Come on, let’s go get her, we can get Cas to check our warding over.”

“Don’t you trust us?”

“You know I like another set of eyes going over it.”

Casey was more than ready to go when they returned and Crowley quickly took her, disappearing with Castiel, leaving Madelyn with Sam, Dean and Bobby, Dean still not looking overly impressed about the situation but he seemed to know better than to say anything.

Madelyn took a seat.  “So, I know we still have a lot to go over, but are you going to tell me anything about your problem Dean?”

“I don’t have a problem.”  Dean grumbled, avoiding her gaze.

“Right,” Madelyn smiled sympathetically.  “Come on Dean, I know about the mark, I know how you got the bloody thing.  Did I agree with it?  No, but I can see why he did it.  Does it make it right?  No, but he is a demon and I honestly wouldn’t have expected anything less.  Now, you guys are helping us, so it’s only fair that I do the same in return, despite current tensions.  So, what do you know?”

“Not a lot.”  Sam and Bobby said together, even as Dean shot them both a look.

“The original Mark of Cain was incredibly powerful,” Sam said. “I can’t even begin to fathom what sort of magic was used to first create it, and this is much the same of that. It seems to have the capabilities of being passed on, although how we may ever be able to do that-”

“I’ve told you already that no one else is bearing this burden.”  Dean said sharply.  “Even if we did know I wouldn’t agree to it.”

“So you just want to be a Knight of Hell again?”  Sam asked.  “Come on Dean, if we can sort something out-”

“No Sam.”  Dean said, shooting him a look.  “This is my responsibility and I’ll sort it out.  I don’t need any of you getting into trouble for me.”

“You’re a stubborn arse Dean,” Madelyn said with a smile. “In a way, I’m glad nothing’s changed, but in another, I’m very frustrated by it.  We’re helping you whether you like it or not.”

“And I’d much prefer knowing your full story before I decide whether I trust you or not,” Dean growled, holding Madelyn’s amused gaze. “You might admit that he was wrong in doing in, but you still don’t seem overly worried by it.”

Madelyn raised an eyebrow and shrugged.  “What’s done is done, all we can do is try and make the best of it.  I had to take the same attitude with this, otherwise I think I would’ve gone made from overthinking it, among other things.  We’ve had a lot of shit happen to us all over the years Dean, but we’ve always worked better together when it came down to it.”

Dean scoffed.  “That coming from you right now, means jack.”

She pursed her lips, but at that moment, Crowley returned.  “Right.  Shall we all make ourselves comfortable back at the bunker?”

“Sounds good to me.”  Madelyn stands, pulling Crowley’s jacket tighter around her as she stepped next to him. “I’ll see you guys there.”

Crowley takes the hint and before the three of them can say anything, disappears with her again.

When Sam, Dean and Bobby arrived sometime later, it was clear that Dean was in no better a mood, especially when he saw Madelyn simply sitting reading a book, Castiel and Crowley nowhere in sight.

“They’re making a few more changes before you ask,” Madelyn said, not looking up.  “They’ll be back shortly.  Casey is currently down for a nap.”

Dean went to say something but Sam nudged him and shook his head.  They’d already had an argument in the car ride there and Sam had practically demanded that Dean had to hold himself in check until they knew the whole truth.  The more he pushed, the more Madelyn was going to push back, and the less they were going to get.

The two of them disappeared towards the kitchen while Bobby took a seat next to her.  “I know this is probably a shitty thing to ask, given everything, but are you holding up okay?”

Madelyn nodded, still not looking up from the book.  “Of course.  I’ve never been one to just throw in the towel.”

“That’s not what I meant Mads.”  Bobby said gently.  “Despite how you feel now, has he treated you right through all this?”

“Of course.”

“Madelyn…”

She sighed, finally putting the book down and looking at him. “Bobby, I appreciate it, I do, but despite…a few hiccups along the way, yes, he has.  I get where you’re coming from and I don’t blame you for thinking like that, he is a demon after all, but apart from a few hunts he threw me on, and being a general pain in the arse at times, it has actually been okay.”

“I’ll try not to take offense to that love.”  Crowley said, hiding a smile as he and Castiel walked down the stairs.

Madelyn smiled at him, but looked back at Bobby.  “It’s fine Bobby, I promise.”

He didn’t look convinced, but let it drop as Crowley and Castiel joined them at the table and Sam and Dean returned with beers in hand.

“Let’s get this over with.”  Dean grumbled as he sat heavily in his chair.

Crowley rolled his eyes and looked at Madelyn, who shrugged. “Well, because you asked so nicely.”

“Because it was such a wonderful discussion.”  Madelyn said under her breath, but innocently looked away from Dean’s glare.

Crowley chuckled.  “I would never accuse you of such a thing darling.  You’ve been far too much of pain for me to ever say that.”

Madelyn grumbled something under her breath, which Crowley decided it was best to ignore.

“As for this situation we’ve got ourselves in,” He continued lightly, earning a dark look from her.  “I think the most obvious thing to point out is that we need to keep it a secret.  I don’t think either of us would fair overly well should word get out that this has happened.”

“As much as I hate to say it, we can agree on that.”  She frowned at him.  “I’m surprised that you would want it that way, actually, considering how much it can be used against me.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of his coffee.  “What you think can be used against you would be about ten times worse for me, I assure you.  I have far more enemies than any of you seem to believe.  If a demon against me so much as got a whiff of this, then you would be in danger quicker than you can say welcome to hell.”

“And my brothers would be more than likely to try and kill you again,” Madelyn sighed. “Alright, point taken.  So, where do we go from here?”

He shrugged, much to her distaste.  “Continue on as normal until the situation tells us otherwise.”

“Until I get my next heat, you mean?”  She grumbled. “What a swell thing this is going to be?”

“Oh? Do you have another suggestion?”

Madelyn goes to say something before she shakes her head.  “No, no of course not.”

Crowley knew that there was more to it, but for the moment he decided to let it go. “This isn’t ideal for me either, that I promise you, and we’re going to have to be careful so as no one picks up a pattern.  It’s going to…take time to get used to, and frankly, you should just be grateful that demons don’t get ruts.”

She blanched and scowled at him.  “Yes, thank you for that bit of information, it was exactly what I wanted to know.”

He chuckled. “Oh, I could go much more in depth if you wanted.  I’ve been dealing with all these charming natures for a long time now.”

“No thank you.”  Madelyn tightened the scarf around her neck, finishing her coffee.  “I think just leaving it like this for now is perfectly fine.”

“Just fine,” Crowley corrected.  “Because there’s certainly nothing perfect about it.”

Madelyn rolled her eyes.  “Right. Don’t flatter yourself too much Crowley, or I might just throw a well thought out insult your way, and trust me, I have more than a few after all this.”

Crowley smirked, although his eyes had watched every movement she made with the scarf. “Don’t get too comfortable with me now, darling.  People might begin to think that we’re civilized with each other.”

Despite herself, she smiled.  “Civilized Crowley?  I didn’t think you’d have that in you.”

“Seriously?”  Dean growled from across the table.  “You two are disgusting.”

“That’s cute Dean, considering I’ve seen how you interact with the opposite sex.”  Madelyn said, earning a dark look from Dean.  “At the time, I was trying to lighten the situation a little, and given the situation that the two of us were forced into, it seemed appropriate.”

Bobby quickly interrupted Dean’s next comment.  “Okay, so the two of you agreed to keep it a secret, which is fair, especially with what was happening, but are you really telling us that you didn’t meet at all before your next heat?”

Madelyn blanched a little and Crowley sighed, taking over. “Not exactly.  In fact, I made the mistake of contacting her about a particular demon I needed help with.  Madelyn was…less than pleased about.  Felt I was taking advantage of the situation.”

“Which you were.”  Madelyn said, a little irritably.  “It didn’t stop you from trying, multiple times either.”

Crowley shrugged.  “You never said no, and I’ve always been one to use my resources.  At first we had thought that these interactions had then led to the next particular interaction, due to the demon activity I was getting her involved in, and the fact that we were technically seeing each other more than what we had agreed.”

“There was also the fact that I had told you where to go after the last particular one almost got me killed.”  Madelyn said lightly.

“Yes, there’s that too.”  Crowley said.  “But it wasn’t till much later that we properly figured it out, hence our earlier comments about how this could potentially affect all Omega’s with demons.”

“What did it effect?”  Sam asked, frowning at them.

It was Castiel that answered, looking between the two of them. “That was when you went into rut, wasn’t it?”

Crowley nodded slowly as Sam and Dean flinched.  “Yes, which eventually, of course, lead to our dear Casey.”

“But demons can’t-”

“It’s not a matter of can’t,” Crowley cut Dean off.  “In fact, early on, most demons still have to go into whatever they need.  The older we get, the more control we have over it until we don’t feel the effects at all unless we really want to.  In this case, however, it was nowhere in my plan to ever do such a thing, but it seemed, again, that they choice was going to be made for us.”

“It was from the effects of my blood,” Madelyn said quietly, cutting them off before one of them could ask a question.  “Whatever Azazel had done to me, in turn, affected Crowley. It wasn’t an intentional thing on anyone’s behalf, in fact, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with him, but we had to deal with it much like we’d already done.”

“It…wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience, for either of us.” Crowley said, frowning slightly.  “It had been a long time since I’d ever gone through such a thing, so I was…a little beyond control, and then there was the fact that Madelyn’s heat was only a week away at the time.  I’m sure you can all imagine that such an event led to it triggering early.”

“Unless you want the gritty details, I suggest you stop asking questions.”  Madelyn said flatly.  “That’s what happened.  That’s all you need to know.”

There was an awkward silence for a long moment, no one overly sure what to say next.

“So…what happened after that?”  Sam asked, clearly his throat when Madelyn seemed to frown.  “We just want to get to the end of the story Maddie, I’m not trying to intrude or-”

Madelyn shook her head though and stood.  “No.  It has to wait for the moment.”

“Oh come on!”  Dean said, straightening out.  “You can’t keep-”

“Now is not the time Dean,” Madelyn said seriously and she looked at Castiel.  “I hate to ask again-”

“She’ll be fine,” Castiel said with a nod, understanding.  “She’s more than safe here.”

Crowley was frowning at Madelyn.  “I know we joked but-”

Madelyn sighed.  “Yeah, I know.”

“Madelyn-”

“Crowley, I need to go.”  She said softly.  “Please.”

“Alright,” He stood and joined her, taking her arm, feeling the tension in her body, looking just a little worried as he looked back at the others. “We know this is rather inconvenient time, trust us, but we’ll be back as soon as Madelyn is able.”

With that, they just disappeared, Sam and Bobby looking at Castiel as Dean slammed his hands down on the table.

Castiel sighed.  “This has been happening more frequently.  We’re still not sure what’s causing it.”

“Probably the damned demon blood.”  Dean growled.

“It’s possible,” Castiel nodded slowly.  “The problem is Dean, if she stops that, she will die.”