#i really just rather refer to myself as just 'her' or 'they' or something instead of saying 'me'.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i do not know what to say anymore because im afraid to be myself and i always think people do not like me when i am being myself. i do not like myself and i try to hide me away from everyone so im better to be around

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[annymation]

Reimagining the Characters in Wish

(Part 4- The 7 teens)

Yup, you read that right, I’m rewriting AAAAALL these fellas, or rather, just giving more substance to them because as they were in the movie we barely got CHARACTERS, just a 7 dwarfs reference, heck, I doubt y’all remember their names.

If you’re new here, hi, I’m rewriting all the characters in Wish before I start sharing my rewrite, here’s part 1, part 2 and part 3.

Now you may wonder, why am I even keeping the concept of the 7 teens in my rewrite, when just scrapping them all together would make my life so much easier instead of writing lines of dialogue and character motives to all of them?

Well the answer is that I like to make myself suffer I think they actually have a lot of potential, and I really like their designs.

Sooo lets meet the gang.

Who are the 7 teens?

So in my rewrite, the 7 teens will be a little bit more than just Asha’s best friends. Because each one of them will be the sons and daughters of some members of the royal staff.

I’ll be specifying in this blog the following things about each one of them:

- Their personality.

- Who their parents are.

- How they met Asha.

- What purpose will they serve in the story.

So buckle up because this blog might get a lil bit long hahaha I regret this already.

Dahlia 🍪

- Dahlia is a 17 year old girl, she has mobility issues, so she has to use a crutch to walk.

- She’s very organized and proactive, always doing her best to get things done. She’s often the one who takes the lead when planning things for her friends such as surprise birthday parties or deciding where to hang out (or whatever teenagers did back then aside from dying from the plague).

- She has an habit of making lists with the step by step of everything she has planned, which her friends find pretty amusing. Her ideas always turn out to be a lot of fun, although she really needs to learn how to let go of this need of control and just let things play out naturally.

(She’s kinda like Twilight Sparkle… this will not be the last time I’ll mention a My Little Pony character in this blog)

- Sometimes when things don’t go according to plan or she gets anxious she starts stuttering and replacing words

(much like how Doc from Snow White did constantly, I’m shocked they didn’t reference that once in the movie, it’s such an awkward teenager thing to do)

“Asha! We shook— I mean LOOKED everywhere for you la-last night! Why would you fun- I MEAN RUN away from the hackle like that??”

“… I think you mean castle-“

“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT”

- But overall she’s a very kind and supportive friend to Asha, something they both have in common is that they enjoy working hard to achieve their goals, even though Dahlia still wants to give her wish for the king.

- I might’ve made her come off as a bit of a control freak but really she’s very easygoing and kind. Even when things don’t go according to plan she knows anything with her friends will be fun and work out in the end.

Even if what doesn’t go according to plan is a heist mission to infiltrate the castle?

She’s the daughter of the royal cooks

- Her mother is the royal baker and her father is the royal lead chef.

- They both work in the castle, and Dahlia sometimes goes with them to lend a hand when they’re short staffed or to learn the family business.

- Dahlia has witnessed first hand how the royal couple can be not so sweet when they’re away from the public eyes:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

King Magnifico: Diner yesterday was absolutely dreadful, what happened? Have I granted your wish to be the greatest chef in the land for nothing?

Dahlia’s father: m-my deepest apologies sire, you see, the queen took all the salt from our storage yesterday to make her potions so-

King Magnifico: Blaming my wife for your incompetence now, I see

Dahlia’s father: n-no! I’d neve-

King Magnifico: If you got no salt, find a work around, I’ll not be accepting any less than the finest meals from you, was I clear? Dismissed.

Dahlia: … Dad, that wasn’t your fault, you can’t let him talk to you like that.

Dahlia’s father: He’s the king, Dahlia, he’s always right. Besides, it’s thanks to him granting my wish that I know how to cook at all, the least I can do is not disappoint him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Because she got to see this behavior, it’s easier for her to believe when Asha tells her the king and queen’s true colors.

- She’s expected to follow her parent’s foot steps, and become a great cook, but all she really knows how to bake is cookies.

- She sees cooking a lot more as a past time than something she’ll be doing for the rest of her life, but she doesn’t want to let her parents down, she keeps trying to develop some interest in cooking, so she can wish to be a great cook once she turns 18

(Just wishing for it without having truly the interest in cooking wouldn’t work, because a wish has to be something that you really want and comes from the bottom of your heart)

She was the first one that met Asha

- Dahlia was helping her mom sell her baking goods to the neighborhood, so she went all by herself with a little cart carrying a bunch of sweets (like a Girl Scout)

- She knocked on Asha’s house and was greeted by lil 6 year old Asha with her grandpa, they bought some sweets, but as she was walking away Asha noticed she was having some trouble carrying the cart while walking with her crutch.

- Asha looked at her grandfather who gave her a reassuring nod.

- Asha offered to help Dahlia carry the cart.

- They talked while they walked door to door for a while, and after there were no more sweets in the cart they went to play together, and that’s how they became best friends.

She will be the leader

- I mentioned briefly in my blog about reimagining Asha that after her grandfather passed away she started living with Dahlia, so they’re basically sisters, and as such, Dahlia is very protective of Asha and becomes increasingly worried when Asha starts acting weird after her meeting with the king and queen, like she’s hiding something… and why the heck she has a friend that dresses up like a prince now?

- There will be a point in the middle of the story where Asha and Aster run away from the kingdom

(for reasons that I really should explain soon because the whole middle chunk of this rewrite is yet to be shared on Tumblr, I’m so sorry, I’ll get to writing it here soon)

- And Asha is seen now as a traitor, so, the 7 teens are conflicted.

- Should they believe their king, who says that Star guy is dangerous and Asha was plotting to betray them? Or should they trust their best friend?

- Dahlia is the first one who rises up saying they should go after Asha and help her, pack their stuff, tell their parents they’re going to make a sleepover or something, and just go to the middle of the woods.

- Everyone is a little unsure at first (specially Gabo and Simon) but after she gives them a little speech and reminds everyone of all the things Asha did for them, they’re convinced to go.

- Once they do find Asha and Aster, she helps a lot when they have to make a plan on how to defeat the royal couple.

Simon 💤

- Simon is a 21 year old young man, the oldest of the group, and since the day he gave way his wish he hasn’t been the same.

- Simon used to be very energetic and hard working, now, he’s in a constant feel of exhaustion that doesn’t go away, no matter how much he sleeps, he doesn’t feel motivated to do anything.

- His friends are very understanding tho and every time they hang out they always bring a pillow in case he needs a nap (which he always does need).

- They assume Simon has been so exhausted since he turned 18 because after that his father has been more demanding of him and his training, we’ll talk more about that later.

- Even tho he’s overwhelmed with sleepiness, Simon is still very protective and caring with his friends, he always tries his best to stay awake when they’re having fun together, he doesn’t want to miss a moment with them.

- He was even more protective before he turned 18 of course, he was like the older brother of the group, but since now he’s way too sleepy to be the voice of reason, that role is now Asha’s, the second oldest.

He’s the son of the captain of the royal guard

- The training I mentioned before was sword fighting, horse walking, navigation, tactics and a bunch of other exhausting things.

- But for whaaaateveeer reason Simon has lost all interest in learning about them since the day he gave away his wish, gosh I wonder what that wish wa— It’s the same that it was in the movie.

- Simon wished to become the next captain of the royal guard, just like his dad, so he can make him proud and protect his friends.

(Omg Simon is Papyrus Undertale confirmed)

- Magnifico is waiting for Simon’s dad to pass away so he can grant Simon’s wish, can’t have 2 captains of the royal guard at the same time, now can he?

- The tragic irony of it all is that a wish that Simon made to make his family proud just made him become an embarrassment to his father, who now doesn’t even try to teach him anything, knowing his son is just gonna fall asleep during his lessons.

- Simon is very distressed by all this, deep down he knows that he might feel this way because, for whatever reason, the king hasn’t granted his wish yet

- Whenever he tries to explain that to his father tho, he just angrily cuts him off for even daring to question or blame the king for his own failures, saying he must always be loyal and thankful to the king… Always.

(His father is mean like that because he wished to be the king’s most trusted and loyal knight so he literally is incapable of questioning Magnifico, even if that means he hurts his son in the process)

- After getting these speeches from his father so many times Simon just accepted that the problem was him, and it definitely wasn’t the king’s fault

- However, Asha did suspect that Simon’s wish wasn’t granted, just like how her grandfather’s wish wasn’t either, she recognized how Simon shared a lot of behavior patterns with her grandfather.

“You know Simon… Maybe you should ask the king if your wish was granted at all, don’t you think? You haven't been acting like yourself for 3 years now”

“What? Oh no no no I… I shouldn’t bother him with something so silly, I mean, of course he granted my wish… And if he didn’t then he must have his reasons and I just gotta wait haha but it doesn’t matter either way, after all I’m totally fine… I’m fine…”

Simon is the only one in the group who has absolutely no criticism about the king.

He was the second one that met Asha

- Simon was 10 when he started training sword fighting on his backyard, he’d use some scare crows as his opponents, and he made some wood swords by himself.

- Asha and Dahlia were hanging out when they saw Simon training, Asha thought it seemed fun so she asked if she could play too.

- Simon really could use some more lively opponents so yeah, why not?

- They played sword fighting the whole afternoon while Dahlia cheered for Asha and joined in the fun too.

- Since then they were very close friends and Simon taught Asha how to properly sword fight during their preteen years… they haven’t done that in a while now.

He’ll be the traitor

- Yup, oh sweet sleepy lil Simon betrays them in my version too, but don’t worry, it’s not just because he wants to get his wish granted like it was in the movie

(because that was a jerk move that made Simon feel very unlikable, like I get it he’s constantly exhausted and depressed and wants it to go away but bruh couldn’t even look guilty when doing it)

- So, like I mentioned, they all go after Asha and Aster in the forest. Simon at first is very resistant and the others even say it’s okay if wants to stay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dahlia: It’s okay Simon, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.

Gabo: OH SURE! I’m a jerk for calling this a suicide mission, but the strongest and oldest of the group not wanting to go is completely understandable, I see how it is.

Simon: …hmm

Dahlia: Simon’s case is different Gabo, if his dad realizes he’s missing then we might have even more guards on our tail.

Safi: Besides, Simon might be a liability.

Simon:… what’s that supposed to mean?

Safi: Ah… shoot- eh you know like… it’s getting pretty late and you didn’t get a nap this afternoon so—

Gabo: He means we can’t carry you through the woods like a sleeping beauty waiting for a kiss, Simon.

Simon:…

Hal: Wow Gabo, very classy (sarcastic)

Gabo: Hey, just saying what we’re all thinking-

Simon: I’m going.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Simon decides he has to go because someone has to be there to protect his friends, not just from the woods, but most importantly from that star guy the king warned everyone about

- May seem contradictory that Simon believes both in the king and Asha, but truth is that he’s holding up hope that this is all some big misunderstanding and Asha just misunderstood something the king said, or she’s being brainwashed by that star, or anything else.

- He just can’t accept that the king is truly evil.

- So, when they’re packing up their things to go, Simon grabs a little something from his father’s room.

- A magic mirror, used only by the king’s most trusted knights, that gives direct contact to the king's study.

- He planed to just use it in case that they needed help if they found out the star was really harming Asha.

- However, once they did find Asha and Aster, it became undeniably clear that the star wasn’t harmful at all, which left Simon very confused.

“Maybe the book the king read about wishing stars was wrong, I should just explain to him that he made a mistake!”

(Oh poor naive boy)

- After planning how they’d defeat the king and save the wishes, Simon just lied saying he was gonna take a nap behind a tree, and thus, he entered in contact with the king and queen

- Magnifico at first dismisses Simon like he’s just messing with his father’s stuff until Simon mentions he knows where Asha and the star are, that peaks his interest, but he and Amaya disguise their enthusiasm perfectly by pretending to be worried for his safety.

“Oh my, are you alright? Has it done anything to you? Where are you? We can send help immediately”

- He says they’re fine, and tries to explain that maybe the king was wrong about star, and there has been some misunderstanding that lead to Asha thinking they were bad people, if they just talked things out everything would go back to normal.

- Like I mentioned in part 2, one of Magnifico’s abilities is hypnosis through eye contact, so he’s able to make Simon see things his way.

- He manipulates Simon into thinking that the star is tricking all of them to get to the wishes, and the only way for Simon to save them is doing EXACTLY what Magnifico says.

- He asks Simon to tell him what their plans are, so he can stop them from… doing anything they might regret.

- Simon, even under the influence of Magnifico’s power, is still conflicted and asks if his friends will be in trouble after this is all over.

“Trouble? Oh heaves no, dear boy, I wouldn’t dream on letting any harm come to them, trust me, your friends will be perfectly safe… If you do as I say.”

“… “if”?…”

“Enough chit chat, now, what are they plotting exactly? Don’t leave any details”

- Of course, Magnifico also offers to grant Simon's wish if everything goes according to plan, Simon is fully convinced.

- Simon agrees to lock his friends in a room during their invasion to the castle, the king convinced him that's the best way to keep them “safe” (Asha will be locked in a different room tho, for… reasons)

- But once he does lock them up, he hears his friends screaming and arguing with him through the door, eventually he has a change of heart and lets them go, so they can stop the king and queen together.

- Simon first betrayed his friends, but then he betrayed the king, and as he’ll find out in a very painful way… Magnifico really doesn’t like being betrayed.

(See what I did there? That’s a line Magnifico says in the Wish movie hehe… okay moving on)

Gabo 😡

- Gabo is a 17 year old teen, he’s also a little person.

- He’s a menace to society the brutally honest of the group, always with a sarcastic remark on the tip of his tongue, sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re way too harsh, but he often apologizes if he goes too far, he doesn’t mean to hurt people, being blunt is just how he expresses himself.

- You may wonder why his friends even hang out with him if he’s so… grumpy all the time, well, his friends understand that he has a lot of pent-up anger inside because of personal stuff, so they try to help him through it.

- He also has a more soft side to him, he can be very wise for his age when his friends need some advice, and he’s always loyal, even when they disagree, he’d go anywhere they go.

- He’s specially loyal and supportive to Asha and most of the time refrains from throwing shade at her, actually he’s mostly just blunt when talking to the guys, he’s a lot more respectful to the girls.

(Ironic considering Grumpy hated Snow White at first just because she was a girl lmao)

He’s the son of a soldier

- His father is just a random soldier, nothing special really.

- However, once when Gabo was a kid, he was visiting the castle with his father and he wanted to explore, so he sneakily grabbed his father’s keys to the dungeons and went to see how was it like, ya know, boys will be boys.

- He got in, and at first there wasn’t nothing out of the ordinary, just your average scary dark and gloomy dungeon… except that by the end of a hall, full of empty jail cells, there was a door.

- And he could hear someone screaming from behind that door, like they were pleading, and he saw light coming from the key hole… It looked like the king’s magic, except it was green instead of blue.

- He tried to use the keys to open it, but none of them worked.

“Ugh why don’t any of these keys work??”

“Because this area is forbidden, little one”

- He turned around quickly to see who was behind him, and there she was, the queen was smiling down at him, a sweet and tender smile, like she wasn’t hearing the sounds of desperate cries coming from behind the door.

“I- sorry your majesty but umm… it sounds like someone is in trouble in there, shouldn't we help?”

- Then he heard the distinct sound of something made of glass breaking, and suddenly… silence, no more crying, no more screaming, and no more light coming from the door.

“I don’t hear anything my sapling, poor thing, you must be imagining things. Now, why don’t you just hurry along back to your father? He’s looking for you… And remember, this is our little secret~”

- And Gabo never told this to anyone, he knows no one would believe him.

(If you’re wondering what was going on behind that door… let’s just say there’s STILL more evil stuff Magnifico does that I couldn’t fit in my blog about the villains, what’s that you ask? *maniacal laugh* I’ll let you guess)

- Gabo always had the feeling that there was something WRONG with Rosas, but he couldn't quite pin point what, and that experience in the dungeon made him start questioning if the smiles he saw plastered on the king and queen's faces everyday were real or fake.

- This feeling that there was something wrong but there was nothing he could do about it made him, for a lack of a better word, grumpy a lot of the time.

- Needles to say, when Asha explained that the king and queen were actually evil, Gabo believed in a heartbeat.

- Because he’s a little person, Gabo is not expected to follow his father’s foot steps, and that makes him furious, because he wishes he could be seen as strong like he sees himself, but he’s constantly underestimated and treated like a kid.

He was the third one to met Asha

- During a kite festival in the kingdom, Dahlia, Simon and Asha were flying their kite when they noticed a boy sitting down on the grass, next to a broken kite.

- The boy looked very grumpy, so Asha tried offering him a hug, Gabo quickly pushed her away, saying he wanted to be left alone.

- Simon and Dahlia suggested they should just leave him be, but Asha insisted they should just give him some time to calm down.

- They sat a little bit far away from Gabo and started to just talk. Gabo appreciated that even though Asha didn’t even know him she was willing to wait for him to get some alone time and try to reach out for him later, most people just walked away when he had his anger episodes.

- After a few minutes, he got up and asked if he could play with them.

He will be the comedy relief, and the straightforward voice of reason

- Comedy relief is also an important role in a story, to alleviate the the tension and just be that one character that gives more contradictory remarks, otherwise everyone just agrees with each other and really where’s the fun in that?

- Also, after they figure out Simon betrayed them, he’d be the one who snaps Simon out of the idea that the king is a good person, throwing some facts to his face and like, not sugarcoating it, just straight up calling Simon out for being a dirty traitor, an awful friend and an absolute idiot, which may seem harsh but was exactly what Simon needed to hear to realize he was making a mistake.

- Like, Simon just opens the door apologizing in the verge of tears while Gabo keeps kicking his leg to let out his anger while everyone else is staring at Simon very disappointedly, comedy gold.

Bazeema 🥰

- Bazeema is 17 years old, who’s very shy.

-In this rewrite she is pretty much the same except for a little design and background change, you see, I found this piece of concept art

- Do you see it? Bazeema seems to be wearing a hijab, I like that, we don’t get enough Muslim representation, so there, Bazeema is Muslim and she wears a hijab now, her religion won’t affect anything in the narrative tho but I just wish they kept this detail in her design.

- Also I’m keeping that gimmick that sometimes she appears out of no where and scared the hell out of Gabo, because yeah I think it has comedic potential.

- She’s a very sweet and gentle girl, very soft spoken and likes to have some alone time once in a while “us introverts need sanctuary��� as she said.

(She’s kinda like Fluttershy, see? I told you I’d mention more my little pony characters)

She’s the daughter of the royal gardeners

- Nothing much to it, Bazeema just saw the queen being rude to her mother once because the flowers were red instead of white. So again, when Asha sas the royal couple is evil she believes her just fine.

- Also she knows about a secret passage inside the palace’s garden, in the center of a hedge maze, that leads to inside the castle.

- Specifically to an underground storage room where her parents keep some gardening tools, but, if they can get in there, they might find a way to get inside the castle through the underground.

- She doesn’t mind following her parents footsteps at all, in fact, she loves the idea of just talking to flowers all day.

She’s the fourth one who Asha meets

- When Asha was 10, she and her friends went to watch a kids play telling the story of Rosas, Bazeema was playing the queen.

- But Bazeema got stage fright, and ran to the back of the stage, embarrassed that she forgot her lines

- Asha followed the sound of her crying and reassured her that it was alright and she could take as long as she needed to feel ready, and complemented that she looked beautiful in her Queen’s dress.

- Bazeema really appreciated that, and she went back on stage, although, she tried keeping her eyes closed to not see the crowd.

She’ll give important info on how to get inside the castle

- Like I mentioned before, Bazeema has info on how to get inside the castle through the garden, so she’ll just assist on that part of their plan.

- Also comedic relief, with her gimmick of disappearing then showing up out of nowhere.

Dario 💎

- Dario is 17 years old, and in this rewrite, he’s mute, not deaf tho, just mute, so he communicates through sign language. That’s to reference how Dopey, the dwarf he pays homage to, was also mute.

- I wouldn’t say Dario is dumb in my rewrite, he’s just really easily distracted, sometimes when his friends are talking he’ll just doze off and look at some flowers he finds along the way or collect rocks, and they don’t really mind.

- Dario is very emotionally intelligent tho, and among all the 7 teens, he’s one of the quickest to believe that Asha is innocent (Right after Dahlia)

He’s the son of the royal announcers

- Ya know those people with the big trumpets that give announcements to the kingdom? Yeah that’s what his parents do.

- Due to his disability Dario can’t really become an announcer, at least not a verbal one, he doesn’t really mind tho.

He’s the fifth one that Asha meets

- Asha was 11 when she and her friends met Dario, he was new in their class because he and his parents just moved to Rosas.

- Since he was mute, he had a really hard time making friends, so, Asha and her friends went to the library and found a book teaching about sign language

(I’m not gonna pretend you can actually learn ALL about sign language with just a book, I should know, I had ASL class in college, with a deaf teacher, and even then I don’t know even half of what there is to know, but this is a fantasy, so let’s pretend these kids learned the whole language, because it’s wholesome)

- So they make this effort to communicate with him and that makes Dario really happy, and he quickly joins the group.

He’ll be the silent comedic relief and also help creating a distraction for the king

- Most scenes when everyone is talking and focusing on more serious things, Dario is easily distracted and can be on the background doing the most random things, it’s not that he doesn’t care tho, he’s listening, and sometimes he comes up with creative ideas of his own.

- Also, as the son of the royal announcers, he goes tell them he has seen the star on the north side of the forest, his parents obviously believe him, and announce to the guards and the king, thus they can get inside while Aster distracts Magnifico.

Safi 🤧

- Safi is the youngest in the group, he’s 16 years old, and he has a tendency to sometimes not thinking before he speaks, so he kinda blurts out things that might come off as indelicate, but he never means to be rude. Also he’s allergic to EVERYTHING under the sun, so, of course, he sneezes a lot.

- I gave him this characteristic of blurting out things that he’s not supposed to say because it kinda reminds me of a sneeze, uncontrollable and sometimes inconvenient, but this way it gives him more character.

- Also if it was only Gabo saying inconvenient stuff and everyone else were saints this would be no realistic group of teenagers, teens are relentless when it comes to saying dumb stuff with each other y’all, they just don’t care.

- Safi is also a germophobic, always avoiding situations that might get him sick, like flowers, animals, dust, humidity, flour, the rain-

- And even though he’s terrified of everything that might give him a sneezing fit, his friends are always there to help him get through it.

He’s the son of two members of the cleaning staff

- So, as you can imagine, Safi really doesn’t want to follow his parents career path, with a job that is all about cleaning dust.

- One day, he was asked to help them clean the castle so he could at least try to learn something.

- While he was helping, the king showed up and started complaining with his parents that his study wasn’t clean enough

- While he was busy talking with them, he left something very important lying around.

- Safi saw the king’s magic staff leaning on the wall.

- Safi wanted to get a closer look, so while the king was distracted he approached the staff, but then, he felt it, a sneeze was coming up.

- He tried to hold it in but it was too late, Safi sneeze was so strong the staff got out of balance, and when it was about to hit the ground Magnifico managed to grab it just in time.

- Safi looked relieved and even chuckled to himself thinking the king would do the same. But the expression the king had was something he never seen from him before… Safi saw pure rage.

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ALMOST DID? YOU WRETCHED BRAT! YOU COULD’VE ENDED ALL THE MAGIC IN ROSAS! I COULD’VE BEEN RUINED”

- Safi was pressed against a wall apologizing frantically and so were his parents.

- The king took a few deep breaths, and as if nothing happened his expression went back to his usual charismatic smile

“Maybe cleaning duty just isn’t your calling, lad. You’re dismissed from assisting for today, or any other day for that matter.”

- So Safi is not allowed inside the castle anymore.

He was the sixth that Asha met

- Safi was terrified during the festivals celebrating the foundation of Rosas, because the kingdom was decorated completely with, well, roses.

- There were roses everywhere, and he couldn’t stop sneezing with all the pollen in the air.

- Asha and her friends noticed him distressed, and decided to help him by taking Safi away from the kingdom.

- Safi was sad he couldn’t join in the party, but Asha and her friends said they could bring the party to him, so they danced and played instruments all day long.

This boy whose only personality trait was SNEEZING is literally the one who provides the info they need to defeat the villains, no, I’m not joking

- Like I mentioned before, Safi had a interaction with the king where he heard the king say “You could’ve ended all magic in Rosas” but he never understood what Magnifico meant by that.

- It’s not like all the king’s magic is stored in that one staff right?… but what if it is.

- When they’re coming up with a plan to defeat the king, Safi brings up this information, and there you have it, now they know what’s his weakness.

Hal 😄

- Hal is 17 year old, and judging by her earrings that resemble the “Jaaro dibbei” earrings from the Fulani tribe, so with that in mind, in this rewrite she came from Africa but moved to Rosas with her family as a kid.

- Hal is a very extroverted and joyful person, it’s rare to not see her smile, unless the situation really gets serious.

- Shes contagiously optimistic.

- Is often practicing her jokes with her friends, or just throwing some quick witted quips to lighten the mood.

(She’s a lot like Pinkie Pie… All the girls are My Little Pony references)

She’s the daughter of the royal entertainers

- Hal used to practice a lot of juggling and try acrobatics when she was little, but she quickly realized that kind of act wasn’t her calling

- She much prefers telling jokes and funny stories to the king and queen wherever her parents bring her with them to perform

- Hal noticed how the laughs and smiles the king and queen made during her acts always felt kinda forced, like they didn’t mean it.

- However the king would often burst with laughter whenever a performance from her parents went wrong, that always rubbed her the wrong way.

She was the last to met Asha

- When Asha was 13, she and her friends saw Hal practicing juggling near the forest, and she was really struggling with it.

- She told them she was really nervous because she had to be ready to perform for the royal couple in a few days.

- Asha suggested she should try a different kind of act, so she and her friends helped Hal come up with stories to narrate to the king.

- Hal discovered a new passion for story telling, and that became her new act.

She's the one who encourages Aster to confess his feelings

- Our Star Boy wasn’t actually that confident with confessing how he really felt about Asha, after all Aster knew that after granting her wish they would never see each other again, so what was the point in confessing?

- Hal encourages him with her optimism and explains that if he doesn’t tell her he’ll just regret it forever.

- That leads to the “At All Cost” scene

- So thank Hal for playing cupid

- Oh and Bazeema will help encourage Aster too

Final Thoughts

Welp this was a doozy one, but I’m pretty satisfied with how they turned out, everyone now feels like they got something to do and some actual backstories.

The way I’m planning to actually introduce in the story how they all met Asha is through a musical flashback that we see Asha going from a little kid to a teenager, think of it like the UP intro or “Do You Want To Build a Snowman”.

Like the movie would have in the beginning Asha’s grandpa reading to her the story of Rosas and we get a sweet scene of them interacting, then it cuts to this musical sequence (probably with no lyrics like in UP) where we see how Asha met each one of her friends, and also show how as time went on her grandfather grew more and more senile and dependent on her.

The sequence would end with Asha’s grandfather’s passing, and her friends being there to support her. Just like that in a flashback sequence with no dialogue we understand who are Asha’s friends, who was her grandfather, how Asha cares about all of them dearly, and with all that established the story begins.

Like can you imagine that? Introducing why we should care about Asha’s friends by showing to us who they are instead of just telling us and throwing them in the story with no explanation? What a concept, I’m sure glad a certain multibillion company didn’t just waste them…

Anyway, I’ll start actually sharing the chapters of my rewrite here pretty soon, I’m already confident enough to do it!

I was gonna first share a blog about how I’d reimagine Valentino buuuuuut I think it’s gonna be a pretty short blog that I can write later, and I can tell some people really want me to just tell the story already, and I want to start doing it too so let’s gooo!

Thank you so much for reading!

[bloodsadx]

even the years that i retroactively have viewed as the most useless of my life have paid off. ive met and befriended many of my heroes from when i was down bad and doing nothing. however in spite of this any time im down im still like. well. i guess im going to jump into the fargo life size human mulcher and deboner (in order to become less full of blood). anyway every time im in an uber with my buddy anne she says the word transexual minimum like 6 times no matter what the vibe of the driver is and last night the uber driver told us to try the following pick up lines (which he called “jaw droppers”): when a girl asks your favorite food, say that “[you] don’t care about stuff like that, [you] want to get to know the flavor of [her] taste buds.” he insisted she’s never heard some shit like this before, so she’ll either like it and you’ll start making out, or if she’s “a more polite woman” she will be like ok ok, and at that point you say “i’m not trying to nourish your body, i’m trying to enrich your soul.” he said that you say that, this being the “jaw dropper,” and then you “can shove your tongue down her throat.” well me and my buddy anne were losing our minds in this uber. and then she started saying the word transsexual to refer to her previous partners and the guy became strictly quiet. well anyway. the moral of the post is, if you walk around a lot, you notice more stuff. i’ve been walking about 10-15 miles a day for the past few weeks and something i’ve been noticing a lot is one specific sticker around portland which ive seen i think sincerely about 300 different places in the past week. and i’ve been walking some really not well trodden, very annoying routes, and this guy has been putting stickers up in some really strange and not even particularly visible spots. and the thing is, i kind of don’t even like this guy’s sticker, but i do really like seeing it, so i really respect that guy. and last night i made direct eye contact with a guy as he put down a slice of pizza and took out a paint marker to write on a trash can. me personally if i made direct eye contact with someone as i was about to write on a trash can i would probably not do that.

i’ve been making draft posts like this when i get home from a long walk and then not posting them nearly explicitly because i don’t want a bunch of people to read them. sometimes i let one fly and it does get like a hundred notes and i just get pissed off. a few months ago i got so mad about something i kept hitting the ground with sticks as hard as possible and trying to suplex trees and victorian house porch support beams at my friends houses. not to test my strength but rather to feel completely indignantly impotent and to feel myself fail against the weight of the world. i got into a bad car crash and have been disallowed by the weight of the world from driving endlessly and aimlessly through the country and instead have endlessly and aimlessly wandered by foot through a place i have lived in for 3 years but only recently have come to feel like i have any knowledge of. so its hard to say which years are more useless. the years where i was doing stuff people gave a fuck about or the years where i was doing stuff that hurt my legs and feet and i saw more stuff? well at the end of the day i suppose nobody can say for sure…after all, on the internet, nobody knows i’m a seaman.

[biceratops7]

… let’s talk about “Arrival”

So I was fully intending on making a more general but thorough peruse through the new Good Omens title sequence, because my FUCK aren’t those always a gold mine. But then I thought to myself, “hey wait a minute, I can be even more unhinged and on brand.”

Something I’ve seen nobody talk about yet is that the movie that the procession is marching into is The Arrival, which is a 90’s movie that draws a pretty straightforward parallel. But I think if it doubles as a reference to 2016’s Arrival, THAT has some much more interesting implications. Either way this reference is doing some heavy lifting.

For those who haven’t seen the movie (or that one philosophy tube video about it lol), the basic plot is that a group of aliens later named heptopods arrive on earth scattered across the world, and just kind of invite humanity to check them out. Each country hires a team of linguists who are all tasked with figuring out what the visitors are here for. But the thing is, it’s only about aliens on the surface level. This is really about communicating, cooperation, and how language holds the power to alter your very fabric of reality.

Spoilers for the movie:

Two major revelations occur towards the end of the movie. The first is that an element of fluid time is revealed. Throughout the movie, the main American linguist has been having flashbacks to a daughter that passed away of an illness. But since the heptopod language has no regard for chronological order, we learn that these are actually flash-forwards when she becomes nearly fluent. In other words, learning heptopod, having a genuine curiosity and even compassion for these vastly different beings. has given her the ability to perceive reality in ways thought previously impossible.

Even before noticing the Arrival reference, I’ve been side eyeing these “flashbacks”, but this and the image above confirmed it for me. Any instance of the word “becoming” when talking about the past indicates some sort of fluid time nonsense. The past is fixed unless something ✨happens✨. I don’t think these are simply memories, I think something rather cosmic instead is afoot.

But it’s more than just “there’s probably time travel in this” though. Simply having Aziraphale as a companion has changed Crowley. It’s given him an ability that he’s not meant to be capable of as a demon. He already had it in him to be good and have mutual relationships based in trust and kindness, I’m sure all demons can if given the right nurture… but Crowley is experiencing love. In the show, something tangible to the senses and distinctly angelic. I’m very much hoping that that whole element of things is going to somehow be a driving factor in what’s occurring over all, and possibly involved in time going screwy.

The other element of Arrival’s ending that’s of import, is the heavy emphasis on the importance of cooperation. First of all, we learn at some point that not every country has the same message to decipher, they each have one piece of a whole. Some of the countries begin using games to communicate with their heptopods, and this poses a problem because it causes messages to be more easily interpreted as hostile. For example, the phrase “we brought a tool” can be easily misconstrued as “we have a weapon.” Eventually, the world gets impatient and scared, and a war is imminent. What finally leads to everyone putting down arms and cooperating, is the American linguist sending a message to the Chinese linguist saying “in war, there are no victors, only widows.”

Something noteworthy about this particular march is that the procession never splits like it does at the end of the first season’s. Not only are both angelic and demonic figures marching into the light atop a mountain as a United front, but this actually seems to be a theme this season. Heaven and Hell aren’t working together as far as we know, but they are at least working towards the same goal, which for some reason is getting Gabriel’s ass. There is also a heavy emphasis on mending broken relationships, with Crowley and Azirphale trying to fix a (probably) lesbian couple literally being the B plot.

Now this is where we bring in what’s actually on the movie screen, which is that damn box. So at this point we know basically nothing about it accept for it probably being a Mcguffin. But we DO have the imagery of three feathers, a black one, a white one, and a bluish grey one, falling into it… and it sure as fuck looks like a moving box. So back to arrival, what actually was the message? The heptopods told the linguist that they’re here to help humanity (via giving them a tool or new tech I think?) because in 3,000 years, they will need humanity’s help. So with this and the world eventually being inspired to stand down and share their pieces of the message, it’s this over arching theme of setting aside fear of the other and cooperating indefinitely for the benefit of the whole. The black feather, the white feather… and then something that is somehow both yet entirely unique.

I think… somehow, someway, this season may culminate in Heaven and Hell reconciling. Whether it be against a common enemy, for a shared goal, or in love, there seems to be many clues both symbolic and literal that show them learning to be one again. Learning to understand eachother’s language and see new ways of being neither before could fathom.

[cloudysarts]

All right I take the bait. Why do you believe Manel should have accompanied Pacifica at the party

AHHH THANK YOU IM SO EXCITED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF (in reference to this post)

ok. northwest mansion mystery is a great episode obviously. but HERES why i think the episode would've been even better if mabel was in dippers spot!!!!!! its kinda a lot so i put it under a read more

so this episode is sort of the middle-ish of season 2 i think, right before the ford reveal!! its not a super long show anyway so theres not a ton of pacifica appearances, anyway. BUT in EVERY SINGLE OTHER PACIFICA EPISODE, her energy has been bouncing off of mabel!!! from their meeting in double dipper, to irrational treasure, to golf war; they have been established as the main dynamic here. golf war is especially important here, because this is the very first step in pacfica's redemption arc! mabel saves her in this episode, the pines give her a ride home, and it seems like pacifica is going to start being a little more understanding of mabel because she had misjudged her, hence why she was treating her so poorly. it looks like theyre gonna establish a friendship between them!

and then. they dont. they basically never interact again. because the next time we see pacifica, she goes straight to dipper in northwest manor mystery. the cold open implies that the northwests wanted dipper specifically because of his knowlege of how to deal with the supernatural but IN MY OPINION that DOESNT EVEN MAKE SENSE because we NEVER see dipper fighting these monsters on his own? hes ALWAYS with mabel. at the very least, i think it shouldve been BOTH of them??? we see a brief shot of a newspaper clipping where dipper is fighting a vampire bat or something and i just. when did this happen. where is mabel

that would be a fine argument for it being both of them instead of just mabel so heres one of my bigger points thats gonna come back a lot in this breakdown: dipper. does not like pacifica. he STRAIGHT UP HATES HER. every single interaction theyve had has been negative!!! its even massively negative at the beginning of this ep!!!! though mabel often dislikes pacifica, she TRIES REALLY HARD TO LIKE HER. mabel has a lot of love in her heart, and if she could, shed want to be her friend!!! its always been pacifica whos been rejecting those advances!!! golf war was the start of pacifica understanding that about mabel, and it nmm wouldve been the PERFECT time to wrap up that arc, rather than leaving it!!!

and i would argue that could STILL LEAD INTO A DIPCIFICA ARC, if thats what the showrunners/fans wanted? most of why dipper hates pacifica to begin with is because shes so terrible to mabel. he only agrees to go to the party in canon because MABEL wants to!!! imo, i think the lead in to them being a couple would be a million times better if that massive problem in their relationship was solved first

i dont PERSONALLY like dipcifica but im trying to stay unbiased about this if you cant tell

i would also argue that like. dipper just seems really out of character. the reason i picked some of the scenes i did for my redraws, was because they were scenes that i think his behavior would fit mabel a lot better. examples:

why do the northwests have a suit in dippers size anyway. he literally doesnt even like wearing it sjkfhkj in a potential re-write of this ep, i considered that mabel would come in wearing her super extravagent home made dress, and it would 'violate dress code', so she would be forced to wear one of pacificas we could still have that cute dress-up expo scene that we do AND have some fun commentary/symbolism about pacifica being nervous about having her in the dress because its NICE and TOO GOOD FOR HER and she looked FINE BEFORE ANYWAY

mabels empathy is a recurring theme in the show. shed WANT to give pacifica the benefit of the doubt, and would be VERY betrayed when finding out her and her family already knew about the ghosts and knew what he wanted. i understand that dipper was so upset because it seemed like pacifica was changing for the better just to find out that she wasnt, but i think this fits so much better with mabel, because shes always WANTED to believe that shes secretly a good person. she would be glad to see her turn a corner, and would be upset when finding out she was 'wrong', and that she really was mean deep down. whcih would obviously lead to her comforting her later/finding out the truth about her etc etc. on the other hand, dipper literally never believed she had good in her. from the first interaction we see of them, he thinks shes as terrible as her family. he ISNT as interested in giving her the benefit of the doubt and if it wasnt a life or death situation i dont think he wouldve forgiven her. IDK i just think its more in character for her

the dancing scene!!! honestly this works fine as is (i can see both dipper and mabel being excited to make a mess on a fancy carptet) but idk i just think it carries so much more weight if its these two girls. silly moments for mabel!!!! pacifica getting to really be a kid and not just a sparkly prop!!!!!!! pacifica finally indulging in her sillyness that she mocked in irrational treasure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok moving on. one of the bigger things that bother me about it being dipper here instead of mabel is one teeny tiny (honestly really irrational) scene at the party. in it, dipper is confronted by fiddleford, who tells him he has big news about the author/the laptop and the towns in danger and its vitally important and dipper just. shrugs him off???!!?!?!?! i cannot even IMAGINE. in alex hirschs words "the first season is about dipper being in love with wendy, and the second is about him being in love with the author" meaning that. those are the TWO things that dipper is completely and totally obsessed with. hes clearly not over wendy (as we see in later episodes) and this is not long after sock opera/society of the blind eye so youd THINK hed be more depserate for answers than ever!??!?! this child was willing to sell out his great uncle and raise the dead and stay up for several nights in a row for answers, and the second he is offered some (from a man who WORKED WITH THE AUTHOR btw) hes like like 'whatevr'?!?!?! it is so out of character and it drives me fucking nuts every time. i know hes starting to like pacifica now but as we see in the comics (if you chose to think those are canon) HE DOESNT EVEN SEEM TO LIKE HER THAT MUCH!??!?! hes STILL convinced shes vain, and mean, and selfish!!!! he DOES start to have a little arc with her but jksdfjksf IDK i just cant in a million years see him passing up the chance for answers to the biggest mystery in gravity falls to hang out with a girl he tolerates

but yknow who i CAN see doing that? MABEL!!!!!!!! mabel would be concerned when mcgucket comes up to her, and starts talking like this!!!! i can totally see her suggesting that he relax for a little while and enjoy the party like dipper did, and then forgetting to come back to talk/not running into him later!!!! ESPECIALLY since i can see mabel WANTING to spend time with pacifica where dipper just. really doesnt seem to want to MOST of the time

ok ill admit that this last one is sort of a personal opinion. but i just. i really dont like the B plot of this episode with mabel and the girls. IDK its just so annoying and pointless to me to have a plot where its just a bunch of girls turning against each other over a guy. im not gonna say its mysoginistic bc i know little girls can be boy crazy but i just. dont see why there was a need to make them fight/turn against grenda briefly??? even when they rekindled and it was all ok in the end its just. in comparison to the A plot its so. Nothing.

in my head i have a rewrite of this episode and how it goes is that pacifica approaches dipper and asks for help and he turns it down (like he does in canon). mabel suggests that they do it anyway, but he refuses, as he wants nothing to do with her. when dippers gone, mabel agrees to help (and pacifica begrudgingly accepts bc it seems like the only option) and so she steals the journal when dippers not looking. she goes to the party, and events go pretty much the same?? only major difference i can think of is that the B plot is replaced by one where dipper realizes mabel and the journal are missing, so he sneaks into the manor/sneaks around the house trying to find he rand get it back (and its so massive he has no luck). the reason i think THAT works is because we can even still have the scene where dipper turns to wood like shifty prophesied!!!! and i would even argue it makes more sense this way because wasnt shiftys warning that "if you keep digging so deep into the secrets of gravity falls, this will be the last form youll ever take" ?

OK IM SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG im probably forgetting points too so i might edit it later but THANKS FOR ASKING

tldr: pacifica and mabels friendship plotline was left on a total cliffhanger after golf war and if mabel replaced dipper in nmm it would've been a good resolution to it

edit: check the reblogs if youre still interested! i added another list of reasons i think this (mostly in response to people disagreeing)

[helloanthy]

🗒️ 24.04.2024 ⋅⋅⋅ 🥀

some notes for 20.09.2023 post and a separate cut out for utena because i spent a very long time rendering her ... the original concept i had in my head for this art was very different. it was just supposed to be a style study of this an official anime prop design art, and i'd thought to draw anthy in a similar pose across from her like in the shown version, but with her wearing her prince outfit from the manga. something something another form of female competition under the patriarchyyy stop pitting 2 girlprinces against each other omg etc (side note, how sick would it have been in an AU where akio made anthy fight against utena in the ring? like i dont think it would hav added more to the story or made it better really ... probably would've diluted the message to be honest ... but everytime i see that manga art of prince anthy i imagine some convoluted black rose arc AU where utenas dodging anthy getting her hair hacked off left and right like himemiyaaa nooo snap out of it this isnt uuu while anthys silent and dead eyed hahaha) but then after i drew prince anthy, the picture looked rather empty ... so i thought to add a few decals or borders in the style of the show & official arts but aaahh ... there was still too much negative space. i had to scrap anthy's prince outfit and put her back in her rose bride dress 😭 man !!! he cant keep getting away this !!! [blames akio the figurehead of patriarchy instead of taking responsibility of my own actions] which made me sad because i was pretty satisfied with the way i drew her pose and legs ! but i had to cover it up 🥲 ... the composition overall looked better though. and then after that it kept spiraling. i just kept adding more and more things until i lost control of this drawing and it plagued my WIP folder for months ... i dont want to try and connect all of it in words so ill just lay out all the pieces for you so you can connect them yourself. and you can experience my art thought process in fraction of erraticity and frustration as i experience it myself. this is a lot neater than what happened in my head though because i bothered to put it in order. honestly if i can make you feel a little bit insane trying to scroll through and read all this than i can make you understand how annoying my brain is when all i wanted to draw was utenanthy girlprinces fighting starting references & inspiration: utena prop reference sheet & manga prince!anthy

the tower & the lovers tarot

above: the lovers as depicted in the tarot of marseilles deck, tarocco bolognese deck, & tarocco piemontese deck the lovers (tarot card) wikipedia: The Lovers is associated with the star sign Gemini, and indeed is also known as The Twins in some decks. Other associations are with Air, Mercury, and the Hebrew letter ז (Zayin). In the Rider Waite deck, the imagery for this card is changed significantly from the traditional depiction. Instead of a couple receiving a blessing from a noble or cleric, the Rider–Waite deck depicts Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

a.e. waite, the pictorial key to the tarot, part III, section 3, no.6: UPRIGHT: Attraction, love, beauty, trials overcome REVERSED: Failure, foolish designs. Another account speaks of marriage frustrated and contrarieties of all kinds a.e. waite, the pictorial key to tarot, part II, VI. the lovers: In the foreground are two human figures, male and female, unveiled before each other, as if Adam and Eve when they first occupied the paradise of the earthly body. Behind the man is the Tree of Life, bearing twelve fruits, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is behind the woman; the serpent is twining round it. The figures suggest youth, virginity, innocence and love before it is contaminated by gross material desire. This is in all simplicity the card of human love, here exhibited as part of the way, the truth and the life. It replaces, by recourse to first principles, the old card of marriage, which I have described previously, and the later follies which depicted man between vice and virtue. In a very high sense, the card is a mystery of the Covenant and Sabbath. The suggestion in respect of the woman is that she signifies that attraction towards the sensitive life which carries within it the idea of the Fall of Man, but she is rather the working of a Secret Law of Providence than a willing and conscious temptress. It is through her imputed lapse that man shall arise ultimately, and only by her can he complete himself. The card is therefore in its way another intimation concerning the great mystery of womanhood. going off of the rider-waite tarot deck: the pictorial key to the tarot—biddytarot's interpretation of the lovers: UPRIGHT: Love, harmony, relationships, values alignment, choices REVERSED: Self-love, disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values In its purest form, The Lovers card represents conscious connections and meaningful relationships. The arrival of this card in a Tarot reading shows that you have a beautiful, soul-honoring connection with a loved one. [...] The Lovers is a card of open communication and raw honesty. Given that the man and woman are naked, they are both willing to be in their most vulnerable states and have learned to open their hearts to one another and share their truest feelings. [...] On a more personal level, The Lovers card represents getting clear about your values and beliefs. You are figuring out what you stand for and your philosophy. Having gone through the indoctrination of The Hierophant, you are now ready to establish your belief system and decide what is and what is not essential to you. It’s time to go into the big wide world and make choices for yourself, staying true to who you are and being authentic and genuine in all your endeavors. At its heart, The Lovers is about choice. The choice about who you want to be in this lifetime, how you connect with others and on what level, and about what you will and won’t stand for. To make good choices, you need to be clear about your personal beliefs and values – and stay true to them. Not all decisions will be easy either. The Lovers card is often a sign that you are facing a moral dilemma and must consider all consequences before acting. Your values system is being challenged, and you are being called to take the higher path, even if it is difficult. Do not carry out a decision based on fear or worry or guilt or shame. Now, more than ever, you must choose love – love for yourself, love for others and love for the Universe. Choose the best version of yourself. Finally, The Lovers card encourages you to unify dual forces. You can bring together two parts that are seemingly in opposition to one another and create something that is ‘whole’, unified and harmonious. In every choice, there is an equal amount of advantage and disadvantage, opportunity and challenge, positive and negative. When you accept these dualities, you build the unity from which love flows.

the tower (tarot card) wikipedia: The Tower is widely associated to danger, crisis, sudden change, destruction, higher learning, and liberation. In the Rider–Waite deck, the top of The Tower is a crown, which symbolizes materialistic thought being bought cheap, downcast. a.e. waite, the pictorial key to the tarot, part III, section 3, no.16: UPRIGHT: Misery, distress, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception, ruin. It is a card in particular of unforeseen catastrophe REVERSED: According to one account, the same in a lesser degree also oppression, imprisonment, tyranny (the wikipedia included a.e. waite's upright meanings, but i have no idea where they got the reversed meanings) going off of the rider-waite tarot deck: the pictorial key to the tarot—biddytarot's interpretation of the tower: UPRIGHT: Sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation, awakening REVERSED: Personal transformation, fear of change, averting disaster The Tower shows a tall tower perched on the top of a rocky mountain. Lightning strikes set the building alight, and two people leap from the windows, head first and arms outstretched. It is a scene of chaos and destruction. The Tower itself is a solid structure, but because it has been built on shaky foundations, it only takes one bolt of lightning to bring it down. It represents ambitions and goals made on false premises. The lightning represents a sudden surge of energy and insight that leads to a break-through or revelation. It enters via the top of the building and knocks off the crown, symbolizing energy flowing down from the Universe, through the crown chakra. The people are desperate to escape from the burning building, not knowing what awaits them as they fall. [...] The best way forward is to let this structure self-destruct so you can re-build and re-focus. [...] with a card like The Tower, you have no choice but to surrender to the destruction and chaos, no matter how unwanted or painful [...] After a Tower experience, you will grow stronger, wiser and more resilient as you develop a new perspective on life you did not even know existed. 

infant stars taken by NASA hubble used in the background overlay of akio's tower star birth | cool cosmos: Stars form from the simplest of building blocks - huge clouds of gas and dust that permeate the Galaxy. [...] While these big clouds of dust and gas lay dormant for many millions and perhaps billions of years, eventually some of them are disturbed. This can happen gradually, maybe caused by the approach of one of the Milky Way's spiral arms as it slowly sweeps around the center of the galaxy, or it can be a sudden event, like a nearby supernova explosion that blasts a shockwave through the cloud. Either way, a small increase in the pressure and density of the cloud forms knots in the gas and dust that eventually collapse under their own gravity, pulling more and more of the surrounding material in, and forming the stellar "seeds" known as protostars. From Protostar to Star: As the clouds collapse, they start to rotate, and, like a spinning skater pulling in her arms, each of these seed protostars begins to spin faster the more it collapses. The material falling towards the protostar flattens out into a rotating disk of dust and gas encircling the central core. The protostar warms up, as the potential energy of the material falling in is converted into kinetic energy, but it has not yet ignited to form a fully-fledged star. For the next few million years, the protostar's gravity pulls in more material from the surrounding cloud into its disk. That disk transports the gas and dust onto the protostar, causing the protostar to grow. The increase in mass causes the gravitational field of the protostar to increase and so even more material is pulled into the disk. The addition of more material, in turn, increases the gravitational field even further, pulling in more material, and so on, creating a feedback loop that keeps the whole process going. [...] The density and temperature of the protostar keep climbing higher and higher, until eventually the core grows to about one tenth the size of our Sun, and becomes hot and dense enough for hydrogen nuclei to spontaneously stick together to form helium, in a process called nuclear fusion. At that instant, the core ignites, and the new star is born. Meanwhile, in the disk, clumps of material have been forming, which are the seeds of new planets. These seeds sweep up material in the disk in a process called accretion, forming the planets of a new solar system. Once the star has started nuclear fusion, the heat and wind from the infant star begin to blast the gas and dust away, creating a cavity in the cloud. As more and more matter gets funneled onto the star from the disk, the star gets larger and larger, causing it to push harder and harder against the cloud and the disk, enlarging the cavity, vaporizing the disk, and halting the growth of planets.

deadheading (flowers) wikipedia: Deadheading is the horticultural practice of removing spent flowers from ornamental plants. Deadheading is a widespread form of pruning, since fading flowers are not as appealing and direct a lot of energy into seed development if pollinated. The goal of deadheading is thus to preserve the attractiveness of the plants in beds, borders, containers and hanging baskets, as well as to encourage further blooming. Deadheading flowers with many petals, such as roses, peonies, and camellias prevents them from littering.

[...] Ornamental plants that do not require deadheading are those that do not produce a lot of seed or tend to deadhead themselves [...] if the plant bears attractive seeds or fruits, deadheading is normally avoided

ladybird, ladybug, lady beetle: scientific name "coccinellidae" wikipedia: Etymology: [...] The common English name ladybird originated in Britain where the insects became known as "Our Lady's birds". Mary ("Our Lady") was often depicted wearing a red cloak in early art, and the seven spots of the species Coccinella septempunctata (the most common in Europe) were said to represent her seven joys and seven sorrows. Trophic Roles: Coccinellids act both as predators, prey and parasitic hosts in food webs. The majority of coccinellids are carnivorous and predatory. [...] Cannibalism has been recorded in several species; which includes larvae eating eggs or other larvae, and adults feeding on individuals of any life stage.

Defense: The bright warning colouration of many coccinellids discourage potential predators, warning of their toxicity [...] Species with more contrast with the background environment tended to be more toxic. Coccinellid haemolymph (blood) contains toxic alkaloids, azamacrolides and polyamines, as well as foul-smelling pyrazines. Coccinellids can produce at least 50 types of alkaloids. When disturbed, ladybirds further defend themselves with reflex bleeding, exuding drops from their tibio-femoral (knee) joints, effectively presenting predators with a sample of their toxic and bitter body fluid.

despite said being named after the lady virgin mary they are known to be promiscuous breeders, who's habits have been documented to result in epidemics of sexually transmitted infection in large populations, subject to various academic studies

lyric from lady oscar's theme song "the rose perishes beautifully"

ok there was more but its been like 8 hours it turns out trying to put my thoughts into words even if its just a bunch of copy pasting is even more annoying than just thinking them im ending this post 😭

[tangledbea]

I found this interesting post talking about Varians' age and the general series timeline.

Link: https://www.tumblr.com/rachelbethhines/623037451732123648/tangled-timeline?source=share

There are some interesting tidbits, and I have questions about a few of them. The OP references Varians fanon birthday of March 24, which makes sense when discussing Varians' age, but they also reference Rapunzel having a fanon birthday of May 12th. I know about the Varian birthday headcanon, but is this a common birthday headcanon for Rapunzel? If not your headcanon of the summer solstice, I would've figured people would headcanon her birthday being in July or August because it is canonically in summer. If it is a common headcanon, why May? Isn't that a bit early?

It also talks about S3s timeline a lot, particularly Coronan holidays that happened more than once in the series. The post says the day of hearts is 6 months after Rapunzels birthday, yet it's just a few episodes after Rapunzels return (the S3 premiere may not have involved Rapunzels birthday, but it definitely happened arounf that time.) I can explain the S1 goodwill festival happening 6 months after Rapunzels 18th birthday and S2 goodwill festival happening a few weeks after her 19th because it wasn't the real Coronan event, it was something Rapunzel planned in Varados. But the other holiday discrepancies can't be explained this way. So this post says S3 takes place over 2 years instead of 1 like the other seasons. It also says "the series creators" said 4 seasons were originally planned instead of 3. This is why S3 is theorized to take place over 2 years. Thus, due to this extra year, Varian would be 17-18 at the end of S3, not 16-17, as many people think. It would end on Rapunzels 22nd birthday, not her 21st. But is this true? Were 4 seasons originally planned? Was S3 meant to be 2 years instead of 1 as a result?

Also, sorry again if this is really long.

(Lately, I've been finding myself apologizing a lot at the end of these long asks, ever since you said you were gonna turn off anon. I don't even know why I'm apologizing, I know you don't mind...)

Let's tackle this one question at a time.

If you Google Rapunzel's birthday, you'll get May 12th. This is because someone at some point read the star charts she painted on her ceiling in the movie to determine her birthday and decided it meant her birthday was May 12th (for some reason -- I can't read star charts, so I have no idea how they're getting that). I, frankly, like my headcanon for her birthday much more and completely ignore the May 12th thing. It's not her official birthday, though, any more than the summer solstice is.

No one who worked on the series ever said the series was going to be four seasons. No one. Ever. At some point, towards the end of season three, people started saying there would be a season four, partly because they really wanted one (even though it had only ever been planned to be three seasons), and likely partly because originally the series was announced to have more episodes than it ended up having. I more than covered in my FAQ why this is. And therefore, S3 was not meant to take place over the course of two years. S1 is six months, S2 is (approximately) one year, and S3 is (approximately) one year when you include the epilogue (even though we don't know how long after the end of the episode the epilogue takes place). Varian is 14-15 in S1, 15-16 in S2 and 16-17 in S3. Or, alternately, he might be 13-14 in S1, 14-15 in S2 and 15-16 in S3. After all, we don't know when his birthday is, and since the series begins six months after Rapunzel's return, we don't know if his birthday falls before or after hers in the calendar year.

As for the inconsistencies of the holidays, have people even seen the writing of that show? It's inconsistent. They literally do what they want when they want. Maybe the Day of Hearts is based on a lunar cycle, rather than on a day on the calendar, and so the date it falls on fluctuates. Maybe the episodes aired out of order (some of them definitely did). There is definitely an inconsistent amount of time between episodes. It's not like one episode takes place every two weeks.

Maybe the fans just put more thought into it than the writers did.

[ponett]

Got a spoilery ask about SLARPG regarding Melody's character arc and, to a lesser extent, the ending, so I'll put this below a read more!

Anonymous asked:

Heya! I adore adore adore SLARPG, and have latched pretty hard onto Melody and Harmony's dichotomy for a while... I was wondering whether you saw Harmony more as an obstacle to Melody's growth, or something to be worked on and reconciled with more like Madeline and Badeline from Celeste? Unless it's spoilers of course. It's one of the few threads left open after the game, and as a plural woman myself I was just curious. X3

I'll say up front that I've generally avoided stepping in and telling people what The One Correct Interpretation is for a lot of things in SLARPG. I didn't intend for Melody to be read as plural, since in the story Harmony is a parasitic outside force, but I also understand where that interpretation comes from and won't tell folks they're wrong for relating to her like that. That's just the beauty of art. We can relate to things however we want. I just wanna make sure my personal framing is clear before I talk about the thought behind Melody and Harmony's relationship

Harmony is more of a literary device than a character. While she's not an alternate personality for Melody, she's also not really a full person in her own right. I don't think about Harmony having her own arc. She's a magical force that occasionally externalizes Melody's darker, more self-critical thoughts for the audience, where normally she would keep them to herself. She has her own design and name to make the dialogue boxes easier to follow. I also keep it intentionally vague whether or not other people would be able to see Harmony because I find that understated uncertainty more fun.

On a literal level, Harmony is a magical parasite, and therefore an obstacle to be overcome. She's not supposed to be there, straight up. But because she's just the embodiment of dark thoughts that Melody is already having, there isn't really much point in "defeating" Harmony to me - which is why things play out the way they do.

Even if Melody got rid of Harmony, she would still have to deal with those feelings. It would be a purely symbolic victory. And symbolic victories like that are often satisfying as hell in fiction, but in real life you can't defeat your shadow self to stop those 3am "what if my friends are only pretending to like me" thoughts. So instead, Harmony is something Melody needs to cope with and minimize. It's not about getting rid of bad thoughts forever, but rather learning how to deal with them better. And that's an active, life-long process. And so Harmony remains, but Melody is working on having healthier relationships with both her loved ones and herself.

I'll also say that, while I love Celeste, Madeline and Badeline's arc is mostly irrelevant to the way I write Melody and Harmony. (I don't think this ask is accusing me of plagiarizing Maddy Thorson or anything, to be clear. I'm just on a tangent since the comparison was brought up.) SLARPG began development in 2015, so the Harmony scenes, and Melody's arc as a whole, were already planned before Celeste came out. While I worried about getting compared to a much more popular game, I stuck to my guns, knowing that my story was different enough to stand on its own. If anything, I just avoided specific phrases like "reflection" or "I'm a part of you" to try and keep people from just pointing and going "Celeste reference!"

Unfortunately the "wow this is just like Celeste" comments were unavoidable, as were the newfound generalizations about what all indie games about trans girls with anxiety must be like because there are two (2) whole games that share some common story tropes, and it seems like the ending may have thrown some people off because of expectations created by Celeste. But what are you gonna do? I at least avoided my absolute nightmare scenario of Deltarune Ch.2 doing glitch aesthetics or giving Susie and Noelle a kiss mechanic lmao

[exitpursuedbyavulcan]

Enclosed

When he's far away at sea, Tom finds himself infinitely grateful that you found work at a photography studio.

Author's Note: This fic, two days late? Noooooo.... Also! I've inadvertently made all the Tommy B smuff fics connected, so this can either be read alone or as a sequel to "After the War"

Pairing: Tom Bennett x Reader (2nd person)

Warnings: masturbation (m), lingerie, references to oral sex (f receiving) and p in v sex

This work is a part of my 12 Days of Smuff event! Read the rest here.

My Masterlist

Enclosed

Prompt: Letters & Lingerie

Tom lay in his bunk with a cocky smile on his lips. He cast his eyes around the rest of the room, finding only one or two other sailors, both asleep and far enough away that they wouldn’t be able to hear him.

This ritual was well worth skipping his mid-day meal.

He weighed the envelopes in his hands for a moment. It felt heavier than it usually did – that boded well for him. After taking a moment to inhale the perfume you had lovingly sprayed on the envelope, Tom dug into your letter.

Tom, my strapping husband,

You said in your last letter that your life in His Majesty’s Nave was ‘fucking boring.’ Shall I tell you how exciting my life back home is?

My uncle has changed the studio’s opening to eleven in the morning so he can get some sleep after staying up all night as an air raid warden. Which means I must find a way to fill that time, assuming I am not also sleeping as I often do after spending a night crammed into a shelter with every screaming and crying child in the whole goddamn neighborhood.

But when I am not sleeping, I often find myself doing the chores that Mum no longer has the energy to do. I swear, if I didn’t do the shopping and cooking, we’d all be eating nothing but bread. Since dad left, she just hasn’t been the same. I think him leaving again reminds her of the last war. He went missing for seven months, seven! I can’t imagine how awful it must have been for her.

Don’t you ever put me through that, Tom Bennett. Not even for a week. I swear I’d come to France myself to drag you back here by your ear.

Now that’s out of the way, I do have something somewhat exciting to tell you. My uncle’s been letting me use the camera a lot more than before he signed up to be a warden. I even got to do a family’s christening portrait all on my own! He wants me to be able to handle the studio on my own, should he ever get called up (not that we’re even slightly concerned about that, considering his age). Or – oh no. That’s not really why he’s doing it, is it? He wants me to be able to run it in case one day he doesn’t come back after the sirens go off, doesn’t he? I’m going to try not to think about that.

I brought it up because he’s allowed me to start using the portable camera rather than the big one in the studio. This way, I won’t always have to be nervous that he will walk in on me when I take pictures for you.

Speaking of, I think you’ll like what I enclosed today. I borrowed Mum’s, just as you asked.

Your adoring wife,

Tom stared at those two wonderful words. Husband. Wife.

He wished he’d been able to give you the ceremony you deserved. Not simply standing in the register office with all your parents looking on with half-hearted smiles before being rushed out almost immediately so the next couple could come in. You deserved so much more than that, roses and a band and a grand hall and all that shit. Once he was home, for good, he’d give it to you. All of it. Most of all, a big honeymoon. Not the one night in a shabby local hotel your parents, your uncle, and even his sister Lois had helped pitch in to get you. Only for him to have to leave again the next day.

The fact that he was leaving you as his wife instead of just as his best girl made it somehow so much harder.

But this helped.

He started by writing his reply to the actual content of your letter. If he started with the pictures, he knew he wouldn’t give a shit about whatever you’d written by the end.

My sweet darling wife,

I am so very sorry that you have things to do all day. Whenever I feel bad about sitting at the prow and staring at the endless ocean, I will remind myself that you are enduring such tortures as shopping and taking undoubtedly lovely family portraits. It will remind me that I should be eternally grateful that the king himself has sent me on the world’s most boring cruise.

Joking aside, I am very sorry you’re stressed. Give your mum my love and tell your uncle that I’m counting on him to look after you while I’m gone, and thank him for his good work (with the warden thing, not the photography). Please take care of yourself. I know you’re willing to stretch yourself thin for the people you love, but I love you too, and I’ll be pissed if I come home to a wife too exhausted to even fuck me.

I actually might not be bored for a few days. They’re sending us to do a job, even if I will be stuck in a rowboat for a day, maybe more. Ah well, at least I won’t be the one rowing, at least.

I’m very happy about you getting more responsibility at the studio. Of course, most of that is for selfish reasons, but I’m still proud of you, love. Can’t wait to see what you’ve enclosed. Oh and before I forget, I’d like to request something… red in your next letter.

Your proud husband,

Tom Bennett

He never wrote as much as you did, but he knew you didn’t mind. You didn’t want any details about the horrible, upsetting things he’d seen, it would only worry you too much. Besides, you knew what he really loved about your letters.

After taking another deep breath, Tom set the paper aside and finally allowed himself to look at your pictures.

“Oh, you gorgeous, gorgeous girl…”

The pearl necklace you wore was a little off-center, but Tom hardly noticed it. He was solely focused on what you were wearing—a full corset, in some kind of shiny, light-colored fabric. The top of it only held half of your perfect tits inside, allowing him to admire their smooth curves. What he wouldn’t give to hold them in his hands. Once he got home, he’d do just that for an hour at least.

Over your delightfully cinched waist, you’d worn a sheer petticoat with ruffles at the bottom – exactly like one you might have worn under your wedding dress, if you’d been able to wear one. He’d get you that, too. Even if only to go to your uncle’s studio to take pictures. Tom wouldn’t need to rent a morning coat, as he’d just wear his uniform, so he could spend extra getting you the perfect dress.

Maybe you could even redo the wedding night.

Tom surveyed the room again before lying back and sliding his hand below his waistband. He’d done this so many times that now, he got hard the instant he picked up the envelope, so he was still relatively proud of his restraint, and was sure you would be, too.

He started slowly, imagining slipping the petticoat off you. Imagine how you’d shiver as his finger ever so slightly brushed your skin. The sounds you’d make – sighs and little whimpers. He loved those little whimpers so much.

He let out his own soft sigh as he began to move his hand faster. Once the petticoat was down, he’d kneel in front of you and make quick work of your shoes, then take his sweet time unbuckling and lowering your stocking.

God, how he missed those legs, shapely and soft. He loved touching them, kissing them, laying between them. His hips kicked up as he imagined himself kissing his way up them when he got home, all the way up to that delightful place where your knickers dug into the little dip between your leg and your hips.

It was hard to hold back his moan at the thought.

He’d lower your knickers first, he decided. So he could bury himself in you until he was satisfied. Yours was a taste he craved as badly as he did for decent cigarettes. He sometimes woke from dreams of devouring you, thinking he could still taste you on his tongue.

Only when your legs were shaking would he stand, prowling behind you with his hands on your waist. He’d kiss your neck as he untied your corset. Or unhooked? He didn’t know, but he hoped it was untie – it was sexier.

The pearls would stay on the whole time as he kissed you, touched you, fucked you. He’d put them between your teeth to help you soften your cries and moans, then watch them fall back on your chest when you came. You always came with your mouth wide open as you screamed his name.

That memory of your voice and the way your nails would dig into his skin is what drove him over the edge, spilling himself into his hand.

Tom lay there, reliving his imaginings, until a bell rang, signaling it was time to get in the rowboats. He made sure to wipe his hand on the mattress of one of the rich cunts who mocked him and the other working-class boys before leaving, his own letter in hand.

He stopped by the room where they kept their post on his way to the rowboats, quickly folding his paper to stuff it into an envelope. A smile crept over his features as he addressed it to ‘Mrs. Tom Bennett,’ before filling out the rest. He was glad that you were living in your parent’s house, but he couldn’t wait until he could get a place just for the two of you.

Lastly, he wrote the date in the corner of the envelope, as you always liked to know when he received yours, so you could be sure to include all the relevant gossip he’d missed.

26 May, 1940

[nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj]

Literally just finished Notorious Scarlett and Browne

In that hyper stage where I just have to share my thoughts so excuse the ramble. (Spoilers!)

Sneaky Bartimaeus reference? Very reminiscent of Nat and Kitty's parting. I love how It's easy to find similarities between Storud's stories and characters without it feeling too repetitious.

The revelation about Thomas didn't surprise me- I'd read the summary for the third book but before that I felt it was kinda obvious she was like the reverse of Lockwood. But her middle name being Josephine absolutely did surprise me (unless I missed it being mentioned before?) but omg does the name suit her!! Made me realise we don't know what Jo and Ettie's surname is which I'd like to know!

Lighthearted moments I liked:

But also I was so confident Albert was my favourite character (love all of Stroud's psychologically messed up male protagonists anyway so it wasn't exactly a competition) but then in came Mallory omg - a more fucked up version of Albert that has absolutely no qualms about killing people?? Sign me tf up baby I love him so much! I said Nat has Catholic guilt vibes but oh boy Mallory is the BLUEPRINT for catholic guilt 🤌🏼🤌🏼

Maybe an unpopular opinion? But he definitely deserved better! I want to see him developed more as character and see more of his personality shine through rather than just be a vague threat from Stonemoor. I found his self assurance and egotistical nature really interesting considering years of child abuse - we kind of see it with Nathaniel but it's mostly an act and bravado whereas that does seem to just be what Mallory is like.

I'm loving the found family vibe as well - it was nice to see Jo and Ettie have stayed with Scarlett and Albert and the addition of Sal Qin at the end is really sweet. And I just think Mallory would fit in perfectly with the found family trope. None of them are really great people so he fits in so well 😭 I know I'm deluding myself thinking two people with the same power and background could be given equal space in the book so Mallory's end is probably final. But it was a little more vague so maybe? 🥹 What do we think does anyone else want him back? Also I know mentions of an adaptations are out there and I can't get the image how the last chapter would look on screen: Albert and Scarlett discussing the fight, thinking about the future joking about how Mallory is under several buildings and the future looks so bright. And then post credits we just see him come crawling out the revine. Or is that too cliche? But a small dose of cliche is healthy in a western vibe book right?

Mallory goading Albert before their fight was actually really cute as well; he was 🤏🏼 this close to being a mentor to Albert like an annoying af big brother or something 😭 I can picture him flirting with Scarlett as well purely to be irritating.

And I understand Albert being upset about Mallory killing the watchman - Albert does feel bad about hurting people even in self defense and it contrasts to Mallory not caring at all, but I was surprised that it was such a strong catalyst for his rage? Mallory kind of inadvertently helped them by getting rid of someone who could sound the alarm.

I just really love Mallory's pursuit of perfection leading to his own self hatred and I feel like it could be explored more with him as a character. Nathaniel gradually became more fearful of uncleanliness and disorder as he lost control of his life but it's cool to see the concept of a character viewing themself as impure and being filled with self hatred because of that (again gimmie those catholic guilt vibes all day long.)

I also like how he hasn't got the fear of his power that Albert has; Albert fears himself Mallory hates himself instead. But he also hates 'normal' people too which is really interesting, he just seems so lonely that's why I want him to join the little ragtag group 😭

Dr Calloway's death felt very justified but Mallory's (potential?) death just felt hollow because he's exciting and doesn't feel like his story was filled out enough. But then again we don't have any information about Calloway- not even a first name. The effect it gives is of a faceless entity of an institution. Even the description of her wearing glasses gives the impression of dehumanising her- If anyone knows anything about the Stanford Prison Experiment that's the impression she leaves. And that lack of knowledge about her is fulfilling in a way. No real personality shines through because she's been dehumanised. But Mallory is different - we see little glimpses of his personality, he's less of a faceless entity.

And even when Albert is trying to convince him to join them (whether this was supposed to be a trick or genuine I wasn't sure- Albert is kind enough to have been genuine but also I don't know if he'd want to risk Joe, Ettie and Scarlett) his reaction shows the cracks in his confident swagger. He's furious when Albert suggests society hates him, even though he's stated it himself many times and says he's accepted that fact. It kinda gave me the impression he's just trying to convince himself he's okay with being an outcast an completely alone but hearing it from someone else reminds him of the trauma of having it pointed out by Drs in Stonemoor and the defence mechanisms start to kick in.

And during his fight with Albert we see him have a real connection with someone- he and Albert share strange moments bordering on bonding with each other. I think it's a connection they both need because no on else has such similar shared experiences. I don't even want a redemption arc for him- he's irredeemable in the same way Scarlett and Albert are which is why he fits in with them so much!

Anyway what do people think? Do you think Mallory will return? Do you want him to? I'm so excited for the last book to come out and so scared I'll be disappointed 🥲

Aside from Mallory; the will they won't they of Scarlett and Albert is stressing me out! I can't decide if they're even meant to be shipped or not. It doesn't help that Albert's age is left really vague - Scarlett makes him sound quite young in comparison to her but Albert says she's hardly older than him so idk. I know Stroud tends to keep these things vague on purpose but this seems more so than usual which makes me think I'm crazy when they have adorable moments together.

I kind of get the impression Albert has a sort of crush on Scarlett but she views him as a little brother. How does everyone else see them?

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello, I seem to have found myself with an issue at work. My wife’s a demon. Literally. Her family hails from a realm of chaos but we met when she moved here for work. I talk about her fairly often so I had assumed all my coworkers were aware of her genus.

However, on Friday a couple of colleagues I don’t know so well pulled me aside to “discuss how I speak about my wife”. Apparently when I’ve been referring to my wife a demon they had been assuming I’m nothing more than a wife-hating misogynist. I unfortunately understand where they’re coming from; a lot of men my age do to speak poorly of their wives, but I adore mine! She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and when I call her a demon I say it with nothing but complete respect for her genus and her culture.

When they confronted me I panicked. All I could do was mutter some vague promise about doing better, then I scrambled to my car before they could say another word.

Since then I haven’t stopped thinking about what happened. Do people think I’ve been complaining about my wife for the last 20 years and have always been afraid to speak up? Or worse, do some of my acquaintances even support with that kind of behaviour?

In addition, should I speak to my colleagues about their assumptions about my wife’s genus? I’m rather uncomfortable that they heard “demon” and assumed I meant it both metaphorically and in a derogative manner. They’re generally nice people who were trying to call out what they perceived to be poor behaviour on my part. I don’t want to put them off intervening in future, but that doesn’t change their mistake now. I just don’t know what to do.

[Inspired by this post https://www.tumblr.com/acecorvid/744120113970790400]

Oh dear, reader. It sounds like you and your colleagues have got yourselves into a bit of an unnecessary muddle here. Fortunately, it's nothing a little clear communication can't help.

First of all, I absolutely agree that there is something problematic in their quickness to hear negativity and criticism in terminology relating to infernal species.

Based on the way you've spoken about your relationship here, it seems unlikely that you've been using this language while also speaking about your wife in a derogatory, dismissive way.

By failing to see these context clues and simply assuming you couldn't possibly be talking about an actual demon, your colleagues have shown their own sapio-centric bias.

At the same time, though, it's a good sign that they're willing to speak up against casual misogyny – even if their enthusiasm is, in this particular case, misplaced. You can use this good intention as a way to navigate the conversation itself.

Instead of telling them all the ways they're wrong, start off by acknowledging their efforts to push back against the patriarchy. Use this as a way to segue into the actual issue, letting them know that their willingness to speak up to you makes you feel able to correct their own misapprehension.

You don't need to belabour the point. However, I do think it's worth explicitly noting that it was a particularly unfortunate mistake to make, given how it feeds into sapio-centric culture in general and anti-infernal prejudice specifically.

Of course, this doesn't address your concerns about how you've been perceived by your friends and coworkers prior to this incident. Unfortunately, there's nothing to be done about people's past misapprehensions. At the same time, I wonder how realistic your concerns are.

You've known some of these people for 20 years. You speak about your wife often, and are supportive and enthusiastic about her culture. Presumably at some point you've mentioned engaging with her cultural practices, celebrating certain holidays and rituals, visiting family on other planes, and so on.

If anyone who's known you as long as all that still hasn't picked up on this, that's really on them.

As for worrying that you may have acquaintances who think you agree with their misogynistic views, the answer there is simple: do your actions otherwise indicate that you might be a person who would support such ideas?

If someone says or does something misogynistic in your presence, do you have the integrity to speak up about it? Are you involved in supporting equality and diversity in your workplace? Are you someone your friends and acquaintances could come to for support in the face of discrimination?

Most importantly, as the example with your colleagues demonstrates, are you a person who can hear criticism and make an effort to unlearn your own prejudices and preconceptions?

If you can answer yes to those questions, you have nothing to fear. You are already doing what you can do push back against structures of inequality and prejudice, and are in little danger of being mistaken for a bigot. And if not, you have some next steps to take on that journey.

[Clickable link to the original post]

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[so-many-fandoms-here]

(English isn’t my first language so feel free to correct any mistake you notice.)

• Characters: Levi Ackerman, fem!Reader

• Genre: fluff

• Warnings: none

Snow

≪•◦❈◦•≫•◦❈◦•≪•◦❈◦•≫

-Levi’s Pov-

I will never forget the first time I got to see snow with my very own eyes. I had been with the survey corps for about seven or eight months and started to become an active and important part of the team. While a lot of comrades were still suspicious of me, I had the trust of some of the higher ranked soldiers like Erwin, Hanji and (Y/n). Especially (Y/n) since she was told to have an eye on me after I announced to Erwin I would follow him and the corps, to make sure I wouldn’t do shit or anything. What started as a forced companionship turned into a real friendship which led her to be beside me when I looked out of the window that morning, seeing the white blanket that was hugging the world.

(Y/n) who noticed your tears before even yourself of course sensed my excitement before I could tell it was there. „You never saw snow, did you?“

Immediately I tried to brush it off, still not being used to the fact that someone might know me just as well as Furlan and Isabel did and answered in a rather snappy tone. „How was I supposed to?“

„Let’s go outside then.“ She didn’t even waited for me to answer and stood up immediately. „Why?“ I asked, watching her as she put her coat around her shoulders. „I know that you want to.“

She was right but I was way too proud to admit that. Instead I clicked my tongue and frowned. „I’m pretty sure your piss would freeze before it hits the ground. Thanks, I’m staying inside.“ (Y/n) rolled her (e/c) eyes at me before grabbing my at my arm and pulling me on my feet. „Stop acting like that and put on your coat.“

I would have continued to argue but deep inside I really wanted to go outside and take a closer look, so I swallowed down my pride and quickly put on my jacket.

I can’t really describe it but I could smell the snow and the cold when I stood outside. The crunching sound made by my shoes sinking into the snow had something soothing and overall did everything seem so… calm. Everything was quite and besides (Y/n)s and my breaths and footsteps left behind in the snow, there was no sign of any life around us.

I always liked the color white. It was pure and clean. Since this day I associated another thing with it: peace.

The absence of noise and the sudden brightness of the world left a lasting impression inside me and even though the temperature left my body shivering I felt warm on the inside.

„It’s beautiful, isn’t it?“ (Y/n)s voice was like a slight breeze, perfectly fitting inside this heavenly scenario. „It is“, I answered and crouched so I could brush my fingers through the snow and feel the wet cold.

„Winter makes the world seem so peaceful“, (Y/n) spoke what’s on my mind, letting her gaze wander. „It’s cold and rough on the outside but it doesn’t mean any harm. It does what it needs to do in order to exist and if you’re open for it you’ll see the warmth and beauty in it.“

I knew that she wasn’t talking about the snow anymore but I acted like I didn’t get the reference. Acted like I didn’t realized that she saw right through me and my façade. Acted like my heartbeat didn’t fasten at her words.

„We should go back inside. I feel like my nose is about to fall off“, I say after I found my composure again and stood up. (Y/n) giggled and agreed.

Before I stepped inside I looked at (Y/n) again, making her stop her movements because she sensed I wanted to say something. „You know. Snow melts after being in your hand for a while.“

While I cringed at myself, how I stumbled over my words and the way it sounded over all I saw a smile in her face, understanding what I tried to say, like she always understood.

She still understands everything. Always.

[atamascolily]

The curious incident of the elephant in the night parade

The Rebellion Production Note includes a sketch of the "pumpkin carriage" that Sayaka and Nagisa ride in as emissaries of the Law of Cycles, which is good because we barely get to see it in the actual movie.

From face on, it's hard to see that there is, in fact, a pumpkin there, because it gets overshadowed by the pink circle behind it. The profile shot is not much better because Madokami's body blocks most of it.

(side note: love how the original Walpurgisncht pennants are re-imagined here, since Madokami moves under her own power instead of being towed.)

I also completely missed the cute little Pyotr (Nagisa's mouse-like familiar) on top!

The pumpkin is an obvious fairy tale reference and an allusion to Homura identifying herself as "the pumpkin" in the Cake Song. In the accompanying text, Inu Curry says that its color should be the same as the one in the Cake Song, but that changed somewhere in the animation process, because the carriage is orange and the Cake Song pumpkin is primarily green. Or is the carriage orange now because the squash has "ripened"? (for what it's worth, there are plenty of kabocha varieties that are green when ready to eat, so IDK if that's why, but it's the only thing I can think of off the top of my head).

Oh, and weirdly, there doesn't seem to be an obvious "door" to the carriage--even if it's folded up/not visible while in motion, it's striking that the window we do see is similar to the same window that has served as a symbolic representation of salvation via the Law of Cycles from the very first scene of the movie. Inu Curry's notes say that the window frame is white, just like that other window.

I had originally wondered why this carriage was necessary, since Madokami was theoretically only going to take Homura's soul away, not her physical body, but based on what happens to Sayaka in the ending of the original series, magical girls claimed by the Law of Cycles can vanish completely (body and soul), probably so they don't leave any unsightly corpses behind, although there appears to be some inconsistencies about this in Episode 12. But the carriage is such a great metaphor, I can't even bring myself to quibble about stuff like that.

So does Homura gets a carriage ride with an escort instead of flying off hand in hand with Madoka, because she's special--or does every magical girl get this treatment now? It doesn't really matter because Homura has her own ideas, but either way, it was a nice thought, I guess? Once again, Shaft goes for "what looks cool in the moment" rather than visual consistency.

In keeping with my ongoing obsession with the "peacock's tail" emblem that keeps popping up, I'll just say that the elephant's tail is the same shape and the knob on its harness has part of the same pattern... which does make sense because Walpurgisnacht uses that motif and this her repurposed elephant familiar.

However, there are some noticeable differences between the original elephant and this new version:

Walpurgisnacht's elephants from the original series and the Eternal recap movie have a different symbol on their sides - a sun-like drawing vs. the circle with cross quarters. There is a cryptic note here that I don't fully understand that says something like "emblem of the window god"--presumably Madokami?--but I'm not confident enough to say for certain what's going on here.

The ears are also different--the original elephant has a plain green ear, while the Rebellion version has a black and white series of diamonds with circles inscribed within them--another one of Homura's motifs, at least in the Rebellion Production Note.

Preliminary designs for Devil Homura's salamander motif featuring the same "diamond with inscribed circle" symbol.

Finally, both elephants' eyes are covered with "button-like" blinders, just like the horse on Homura's boat in the middle part of Rebellion.

Elephants are a symbol of wisdom, so the fact that they're blindfolded here is interesting; there's also the saying "an elephant never forgets" which seems pertinent in light of Rebellion's emphasis on memories. They are also a traditional vāhana ("mount" or "vehicle") of deities in Hindu and Buddhist iconography, which again fits with the mandalas and other symbols of divinity that Madokami and Walpurgisnacht share. However, I should point out that here that in this case, no one is directly riding on the elephant, as is usually traditional in these genres of religious art; the elephant is towing the vehicle intended for Homura's enlightenment/ascension/release and Madokami is not dependent on it for her movements. So, lots to unpack there.

(Also, if I'm reading the Japanese text right in the Rebellion Production Note, Sayaka wanted to use a helicopter instead, can you imagine?)

Another page in the Production Note shows the original design for the carriage, and I'm sad it got cut because it was rad as hell:

Sayaka, rolling up to Homura in this thing: "Get in, loser, we're going to magical girl heaven." *screeching tires*

The title of this post is an allusion to "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time" from one of the Sherlock Holmes stories and the "Night Parade of 100 Demons" (Hyakki Yagyō, 百鬼夜行) from Japanese folklore, which parallels Walpurgisnacht's original circus and this smaller remixed version in Rebellion.

[dearweirdme]

Hey there. Silly question :( I know we should not determine if 2 people are or not in a relationship via what they post on instagram, BUT wtf is going on here???

He posts the “welcome autumn” and she “falling for fall” on the same day. Wtf ?!? Is there or isn’t there “something”??

I know he mostly seems to not be heterosexual; almost everything in his behavior says differently. Or I’m missunderstanding? But is there any possibility that they indeed had been dating and we only want to believe he and JK had something “special” above everything else?

I’m asking you because you seem to be so sure and have such high faith in the guys… I’ve only been watching the videos of them for the past half a year and got so convinced they had these lovey-dovey eyes and behavior, that they could only be “an item”. The music they listen, the messages they sent via the music in their lives (can’t forget JKs live after the Dream premier where for half an hour played the same chorus of a song on repete!!!) … I found an IG account that tracks all Tae’s ever posts. It was insane to watch! https://www.instagram.com/taehyung.v_updates?igsh=MXZkeDExZWNncXc4aw== Check it out! The songs are mind stopping. I don’t think they are about her … no?

But what maybe I’m only fooling myself and believing some sort of fan-fiction instead of just accepting the “reality” that maybe Tae is more free and fluid and maybe he just simply had been dating her all along. She is pretty and probably fun to be around, in the same line of work… maybe they were an item.

How can I get it right?? What if we just made believe something that is not true?

And why always I’m questioning Tae and never JK’s action?! Crazy stuff!

Hi @mmendelson !

You know what I'm gonna say right...? Tae's post had nothing to do with Jennie. It was him with his friends and autumn had started. Jennie's post had nothing to do with Tae.. it was basically an add. So I don't make anything of them both referring to the same season.

I think Tae is queer. I wouldn't go as far as to say 'everything in his behavior says he's queer" what behavior counts as queer anyways? I think Tae is queer because he's shown consistent interest in queer content and art, he has incorporated queer representation in both his projects and his clothing, and he has shown consistent interest in Jk (a man). He couls also be into women, bisexuality is real.

It's not a question of having faith in the guys, but rather that what I witness tells me they are likely together. It's the consistensy for years that basically does it for me.

I think... separating yourself from they guys is really important in staying somewhat sane. We are not a part of this, we are only bystanders. There's nothing you personally have to do, you don't even need all the answers to everything, just enjoy what you are seeing 😊.

[television-overload]

'sh-boom' (an X-Files fanfic)

Like usual, I caved and instead of leaving my "someone should write this" post be, I wrote it myself. I'll tag some people that expressed interest in this prompt below the fic! Shout out to @baronessblixen who already wrote the perfect Scully-accidentally-kisses-Mulder fic. You can read that here!

Now, for Mulder accidentally kissing Scully cause he dreams about her all the time.... takes place February 1998, mid-Season 5.

Read on Ao3

There’s a trick to fighting insomnia, Mulder had discovered. Not a cure, by any means, but an improvement, nonetheless. All you need is a super off-limits best friend you’ve fallen stupidly in love with, spend practically every waking hour of the day with her, and then spend the rest of your time thinking about her until your exhausted and delusional mind has mercy on you and blesses you with her presence in your unconscious state.

A foolproof plan, really. Scully had even noticed he seemed more well-rested and happier in the last few weeks, so something had to be working.

Although, there were—he had to admit—a few rather notable side effects.

Despite what others might tell you, Fox Mulder was not one to have trouble distinguishing between fiction and reality. Usually. But in his defense, his dreams were very, very vivid, and there had been a time or two that he’d referred to something Scully had said, only to realize at her blank stare that it was the figment of her in his imagination who’d said it.

“Must have been someone else I was talking to,” he’d awkwardly say, thankful that she kept her mouth shut about the fact that there was no one else he’d have such conversations with, and they both knew it.

He’d also been on the receiving end of more than a few raised eyebrows and patented “what is wrong with you?” looks, which were well-deserved for catching him staring even more than typical. Sure, he was sleeping better at night, but his brain was now trained to find restfulness when thinking about Scully, which was pretty much an all-day thing too. Sitting across from her in their isolated little office for extended periods of time made his eyes glaze over and eyelids droop halfway shut. Oh, the horror… he probably looked like a drunk idiot. He hoped he at least looked somewhat normal, not like a drooling dope with a dumb smile on his face who was clearly not having a productive day at work.

What would old doctor Pavlov have to say about this sorry scenario?

His consolation was that Scully already knew he was weird, and stuck around anyway, so he had no qualms against going home night after night and picking up where he’d left off in Scullyland the night before. Let’s see, he was just about to their son’s first little league baseball game, of which Mulder was the coach, of course. “Scully, don’t forget, we signed up to bring snacks for the team after the game.”

Behind closed eyes he saw her raise her arm to show him the already packed bag she was holding, an exasperated but loving look in her eye. “Always one step ahead of me,” he said fondly. With practiced ease, they danced around each other in the kitchen of a fairly unremarkable house, grabbing sunscreen, sunglasses, water bottles, keys… “Alright, sport, get in the car! Bus is leaving!” he called out, smiling as the sounds of little footfalls preceded the sight of his freckle-faced son, clad in shiny new baseball cleats.

“Got your glove?”

“Yep.”

“Your bat?”

“Yep.”

“Spitting tobacco?”

“Daaaad…”

“Mulder!”

“I’m just kidding, get in the car, will you? Coach Fox can’t be late, it’s unprofessional.”

“Wait I forgot my seeds!”

A minivan. Perfectly unremarkable. Admittedly, very comfortable, and spacious.

“Fox…” Scully mused with a shake of her head as she buckled her seatbelt.

“What? All the great baseball legends have weird nicknames. I just happen to have been born with mine.”

“The Great Bambino!” a little voice piped up from the back, glancing out the window as they ventured forth into the miles and miles of farmland.

“That’s my boy. ‘Oil Can’ Boyd. ‘Cool Papa’ James Bell. ‘Shoeless’ Joe Jackson. Did you know Lou Gehrig’s teammates called him ‘Biscuit Pants?’”

A giggle from the back seat.

“Alright you’ve made your point.” He loved it when she used that voice, the one that meant she was tired of his antics, but not really. Of course she loved his senseless rambling. She did it too sometimes, albeit with a few more hyper-specific medical terms thrown in there, leaving him unable to do anything other than smile and nod.

When they arrived, they piled out of the van, the messy brown hair of his son—already sweaty somehow, by the way—disappearing into the dugout with a gaggle of other overexcited little boys. “Good luck,” Scully spoke as she planted a kiss on Mulder’s cheek and made her way to the stands, setting up a cushion and portable fan that were sure to be the envy of all the other parents.

The field smelled like grass and dirt and the leather of brand-new baseball gloves just waiting to be broken in. It was a smell straight out of his childhood, of those summer nights on the Vineyard getting eaten up by bugs under the bright lights of the baseball fields. The crack of a ball against a wooden bat. Coming home covered in sweat and dirt and with a kid sister in tow who insisted on playing with the boys.

It was in this dream state where he found peace. Not in the past, but in some amorphous future. A future where he had a family again, a loving home. Where he wasn’t a coward and had a beautiful wife and partner who somehow made everything work. They fought monsters. They went grocery shopping. They filed paperwork with Skinner. He coached little league. They drove to work together. They picked up their son from school.

Baseballs went flying. Teams celebrated their first win. Little boys were tucked into bed, and he kissed his wife goodnight. That’s just how it was.

It was freedom. A freedom he didn’t think he’d felt since his life changed with a flash of light.

In the morning, he’d wake in a haze. With his brain on autopilot, he’d amble about his apartment, brushing his teeth, making coffee, tying on a tie… Caught somewhere in between these worlds of make-believe and reality. It was a benefit of his eidetic memory, he supposed, to be able to remember his dreams and stay in them even after coming to consciousness. Didn’t work out so great when he had constant nightmares, but hey, now that’s been solved too.

Somewhere along his drive to work was usually when reality really set in. He tried to not let it bring him down too much—it was his own fault, after all, that his life bore little resemblance to that which revealed itself in dreams. But he couldn’t help the slight pangs of disappointment he felt when he thought of the lonely couch he slept on every night and the sad state of his fridge.

“Good morning, Mulder,” Scully called out her usual greeting as she breezed into the office.

Mulder’s head lifted off the desk where it had been laying. “Mm—morning.”

Scully chuckled, setting down her bag in her chair and working to remove her heavy coat which she hung on the coat rack. His dream may have taken place in the heat of summer, but it was unmistakably the dead of winter in Washington, D.C.

“Not get enough sleep?” she asked, her amused tone not entirely disguising the genuine concern she felt for him underneath.

“I slept fine,” Mulder answered, “just… still waking up.”

Scully shook her head and let out another low chuckle, taking her seat across from him. She pulled out a file from her bag and began scanning through it, the lamp next to her providing most of the light, as the cloud-covered sky through the skylight threatened to dump a heap of snow on the city.

The day went on like that. Mulder managed to actually get some work done, finalizing some paperwork he’d been putting off (to Scully’s exaggerated shock and disbelief). She, on the other hand, was working on going over some medical reports a field office had sent over for her expert opinion, something that flattered her and made Mulder bloom with pride.

He didn’t even mind that much that they didn’t have a case to work on at the moment. That was another thing that had changed since he’d started indulging in these dreams: he could sit still for five minutes without vibrating out of his skin.

Of course, he’d never stop yearning for the truth, wondering what was out there waiting for him to discover it. But lately, he also found he enjoyed these quiet days where barely a word was spoken between them. It was comfortable. Everything unspoken didn’t need to be said aloud because it was a given—they both knew without saying everything that could possibly be said.

Lunch?

Yes.

Can you hand me a pen?

Sure.

The winter sun set early, and night was well on its way by the time Mulder looked up from his work to check the clock. Sure enough: quitting time. He stood from his desk just as Scully did, making his way over to the coat rack to grab both his and Scully’s coats. She snapped her bag shut with a click as he handed it to her before slipping his arms into his own coat sleeves.

Scully fluffed her hair out from under the collar of her coat. Mulder flicked off the lamp. She draped her bag over her shoulder. He grabbed his own briefcase and circled around his desk toward the door.

“Night, Scully,” he spoke like he did every evening, dipping down to place a quick kiss goodbye on her lips.

He froze.

Lips still touching, he swore he felt his heart stop and his fingers go numb. Somehow amid all the blaring alarm bells and internal screaming, his brain was able to send the signal back away, you idiot! to the rest of his body, and he obeyed, straightening up to look at her with what he knew she recognized as his ‘panic face.’

The only light now was coming from the streetlamps in the parking lot and the gentle snowfall reflecting it down into the office, the dim yellowish light making it difficult to tell what she was thinking. A wiser man would say something, apologize, explain it away, even leave, dang it! Get out of there! But Mulder was frozen. And apparently mute. Just perfect.

The seconds ticked by. Was that clock always so loud? That was it, he’d really gone and done it now, hadn’t he?

A smile formed across Scully’s lips, barely visible in the darkness. She blinked up at him with an oddly relaxed look in her eyes, sparkling in the faint light.

“Night, Mulder,” she replied before patting him twice on the chest above his heart and turning to leave.

It must have been a combination of her words and her touch that eventually broke him from his stupor, because he finally blinked and managed to stumble back to his office chair only to collapse into it, covering his face with his hands and letting out a muffled scream.

What an idiot. What. An. Idiot.

This was the price he had to pay for his risky little endeavor to sleep through the night. Dreaming of Scully had a cost, he should have known it was only a matter of time. He was messing with the delicate balance of things. Mulder and insomnia, insomnia and Mulder. They went hand-in-hand. Trading it in for the much more pleasant musings he had for his partner was too good to be true.

He sat there in horrified, humiliated silence for what felt like hours before finally heading home to what would inevitably be an appallingly horrible night’s sleep.

-.-.-

Mulder hadn’t slept. At all.

He laid awake most of the night staring at the ceiling and mentally berating himself over and over for blurring the lines so much that he’d briefly forgotten he and Scully weren’t actually together. He had every intent to call out of work the next day, and maybe the day after that, every day until he could come up with something to say to make things less awkward between them the next time they’d see each other, but then Skinner called.

His stomach dropped to the floor when the words “I need to ask you something,” crackled through the phone, the gruff voice of his boss sending a chill down his spine. It turned out all Skinner wanted was for Mulder and Scully to check out some reported aquatic dinosaur sightings in a lake in central Kansas, but Mulder still felt dizzy from the adrenaline the initial words had sent coursing through his system.

Against his wishes, he was dressed and in a taxi to the airport before noon, realizing too late that he hadn’t eaten anything either.

As he entered the bustling terminal, he saw Scully standing near the check-in point, dressed in her sensible heels and no-nonsense suit, her suitcase resting on the ground near her tapping foot. She checked her watch and glanced up to the departures sign before scanning the crowd. He winced as her sight settled on him, and picked up the pace.

“Jeez, Mulder, you look awful,” she said by way of greeting.

“Sorry I’m late,” he spoke, hoping to divert any conversation away from what had happened the night prior.

She wasn’t so easily dissuaded, however. “What happened to you? Are you sick?”

It seemed he would have to say something after all. He settled for, “Haven’t had anything to eat.” There. That would throw her off his scent.

Scully’s eyebrows furrowed and she grabbed the handle of her suitcase, beginning to pull it in the direction of their gate. “Well, you can have the other half of my muffin, it’s in my purse.”

He said nothing after that, choosing to follow after her like a lost puppy. They made their way through the metal detectors and had just enough time to get to their gate before they were boarding.

True to her word, just as soon as they’d reached cruising altitude, Scully extracted half a blueberry muffin from her purse and placed it on the tray table in front of Mulder, who was leaning heavily on the wall of the plane, staring blankly out the window. He mumbled his thanks and ate it in 3 clean bites, feeling only slightly guilty for inhaling his food like that in front of her.

Sensing that he wasn’t in a talkative mood, Scully posed a one-word question. “Insomnia?”

Mulder leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

“I thought it was getting better?”

“It was,” he answered, hoping she wouldn’t read into it.

Mulder sat up again, reaching for a book in his bag, but Scully’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. Gently, she pushed him back until he was resting again, forcing his head to the head rest with the soft touch of her hand over his brow.

“Sleep,” she said, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

-.-.-

After the rocky start to the day and the awkwardness on his end throughout the flight, Mulder came to the conclusion that Scully was acting perfectly normal, so he might as well do the same. Well, she had kissed him on the cheek, but that wasn’t unheard of, was it? They’d done that before. Sure, it was rare, but she was worried about him. Aside from that, it was as if nothing had even happened, and if Mulder had been just a little more crazy, he might have believed it had all been a dream after all. It wasn’t though, and the touch of her lips on his still burned when he thought about it.

Against his better judgement, on the first night in the motel in central Kansas, he decided to employ his, now patently risky, sleep technique. It didn’t help that his subconscious supplied him with dreams of a family road trip and motels just like the one he was staying in. It took everything in his power not to say, “Wake up, buddy, time to hit the road,” to an invisible—and sadly, impossible—son in the morning. Even harder was it to suppress the words “Morning, beautiful,” from escaping his lips when he first ran into Scully in the lobby.

She seemed appeased that he had actually gotten some rest, at least, when she saw him at breakfast. The day went on without issue. Things between them were… normal. Conditions: good. Weather: frigid. Why they were investigating a potentially cold-blooded creature in the middle of February was beyond him.

He suspected this case would turn out to be yet another wild goose chase. Nothing was living in that water except maybe a very cold and very large escaped alligator from a nearby run-down zoo. Unfortunately, his recent contentment with boring, unexciting cases didn’t seem to apply here. Or at least right now.

To his relief, the local law enforcement decided to handle it themselves and even had the presence of mind to sheepishly apologize for having them come all the way out there. Flights were booked for the next day, following an almost four-hour drive back to Kansas City.

When they arrived back at the motel, Mulder fished out his room key from his pocket and inserted it into the door to unlock it. At the next door over, Scully set her briefcase on the ground before crossing the distance to him right as he turned the handle, stalling him briefly in the doorway. She stood there just long enough to reach up for a quick peck on the lips, the kiss as brief as he had done two nights before.

“Wha—” he mouthed silently, interrupted by Scully’s easy, “Goodnight, Mulder,” leaving him gaping at her in the doorway, his hand still on the doorknob, as she went off to bed.

-.-.-

It was getting harder to tell fiction from reality, and that was tough for Mulder to admit. Scully smiled at him in the morning when she climbed in the passenger seat of their rental car, and for a moment Mulder felt the gnawing feeling that they’d forgotten to put their son in the backseat despite knowing he wasn’t real. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, but that could only help so much.

Her humming half the ride home was straight out of his dreams too, a happy sound that he hadn’t heard much in the months since Christmas and Emily. She even held his hand during takeoff on the plane, not that that was uncommon, but still.

When they finally touched down in the snow blanketed capitol city, she offered to drive him home rather than have him wait for a taxi out in the cold. He gratefully accepted, unable to come up with a valid excuse not to. That was when it happened again.

Once was a mistake. Twice was a fluke. Three times on the lips, and Mulder had some questions. Namely, was he going completely crazy, or did he miss something?

As she pulled up to his building, she put the car in park and stretched across the center console to give him yet another kiss, finishing it with a smile and a, “See you tomorrow, Mulder.”

Unable to tear his eyes away from her lest she fade away like his dreams, Mulder fumbled for the door handle and pushed open the car door, stumbling his way to his feet.

“See you tomorrow,” he managed to respond, in a voice that he felt wasn’t his own.

He started his way toward the entrance to his building in a daze, screeching to a halt when he heard her call out, “Mulder!” through the opened passenger window.

He turned back, croaking out a very eloquent, “Huh?” as he searched for her face in the dark car interior.

“You forgot your bags.”

Oh.

Scully chuckled and popped the trunk for him. He rubbed his hand awkwardly over the back of his neck and trudged his way back to the car to retrieve his possessions, slamming the trunk shut when he was finished. Scully gave a wave out the window and took off into the night, and for a second night in a row, all he could do was stand there and blink in the direction she had disappeared.

-.-.-

Calling out of work would be useless, it wouldn’t help the issue at all. He was more confused than ever, but Scully seemed to be perfectly fine, so it must be his own problem. What if he’d somehow manifested his dream life into his waking one, that by some mystical force, certain elements of it were slipping through into reality? He could open an X-File. Test out his powers of manifestation—if he didn’t completely lose his grip on reality in the process.

In his dream last night, they’d celebrated her birthday, and now he couldn’t remember if they’d already done so, or if he ought to get started on planning something in real life. What day is it again? It was driving him crazy. Crazier than usual.

He would just have to talk to her. Ask her what was up with all the kissing, not that he minded. But was that actually happening? Was he imagining things? If he brought it up, would they go back to what it was like before? Would it get worse? What if he kissed her again? This time on purpose?

Every time he went to say something, his mouth opened and no sound came out. He was sure she’d notice at some point. How embarrassing. Hours ticked by, and before he knew it, it was the end of the day. An epic fail, as far as his attempt to talk to her went.

He stood from his desk with a sigh, resigned to another day of confusion tomorrow, and started toward the door with his bag and coat in tow.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” her voice called from behind him, and there she was, standing by his desk, arms crossed expectantly over her chest. That eyebrow. That darn eyebrow was doing its thing too, what does she mean by that?

“Scully?” he asked, brain tired and worn out from a tumultuous week.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” she asked again, uncrossing her arms and shifting in that way that exposed her well-masked nervousness. It was the first sign he’d seen that he wasn’t losing his mind, this really was unusual. And she knew it too.

Eyebrows furrowed, he walked toward her until he was standing right in front of her, desperately trying to read her expression as he looked down at her. Her eyes met his with determination, deliberately holding eye contact when every cell in his body screamed Danger! Run away! There was hope there, too, but Mulder didn’t want to guess what that hope might be for. This was not the moment for guessing.

She was still looking at him expectantly, though, and he couldn’t think of anything else.

Slowly, giving her plenty of time to move away or shoot him if he’d read the situation wrong, he bent toward her, placing one hand over her elbow and the other brushing lightly over the hair covering her ear. Her eyes fluttered shut and her breathing hitched, and there! She was leaning forward too! Not quite standing on tiptoes, but stretching to meet him, nonetheless.

Taking this as a good sign, he closed the rest of the distance between them and pressed his lips to hers, holding them there for one, two, three, four, five seconds before pulling back and letting his arms drop to his sides. His eyes remained tightly shut, afraid to open them and see the disgust or annoyance that would surely greet him.

He swallowed past a lump in his throat, his face pinched in concern, but he dared not move. After a moment, he felt two hands cup his cheeks on either side, the thumbs brushing out the lines of tension around his eyes. Something about the motion coaxed his eyes open, and what he saw wasn’t disgust or annoyance, but a content and relieved smile on the face of his partner.

He was entranced.

“Goodnight, Mulder,” she spoke softly, the same words from the other nights, but with a considerable amount of weight that hadn’t been there before. After a moment more, she began to pull away, and Mulder felt his heart stutter. Without thinking, he stopped her, grabbing her by the upper arms and pulling her to him. His eyes fell shut again as he dove toward her lips, stopping short by a few inches and pressing his forehead to hers instead.

“What is this?” he whispered, desperate to know, needing to put a name to it.

She let out a breathless laugh. “I was hoping you’d tell me.”

“Am I dreaming?”

She laughed again, and man, what he would do to hear that sound every day for the rest of his life.

“I just thought you’d decided to institute a new goodbye ritual, and went with it.”

It was Mulder’s turn to smile in amusement. He hummed.

“No, I’ve dreamt of this,” he murmured, nuzzling her forehead with his. “I thought I was going crazy.”

“If you are, then what does that make me?”

“I don’t know. If not crazy, then what other option is there?”

Reaching to cup the back of his neck, she pulled him ever closer, her next words brushing against his cheek. “I can think of something.”

His eyes opened to see her staring back at him, a flood of emotions he wasn’t sure he could name dancing there, reflecting identical ones in his own. Uncertainty gave way to resolve, and he hoped she would lend him some of hers, because he would surely need it.

He knew it was coming, and still it blew him away.

This time, her kiss was slow… purposeful. He melted into her, pulling her closer with an arm clutching to her waist and the other hand splayed across her shoulder blade.

The fog in his brain prevented him from determining how much time passed, but eventually they had to come up for air, identical smiles gracing their faces.

“I think I know what this is, Mulder, and I think you feel the same way. But if I’m wrong, this is going to be really awkward.” Her words were spoken with laughter, but there was an underlying sense of doubt. Doubt that by no means had any place there.

“No, I think you’re right,” he answered, cupping her cheek with his hand. “I think you’ve got it figured out.”

Her eyebrow went up again and a teasing smile played on her lips. “Can I get that in writing, or…”

He grinned and pulled her to him once more. “Oh, shut up.” And he kissed her.

---

Tagging @agent-troi @welsharcher @hippocampouts @invidiosa @whovianelle @captainsolocide @randomfoggytiger @today-in-fic