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bucksangel · 3 years ago

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A Love That Lasts

a/n: this is a REPOST from my old account @losaslut since i’m deleting that blog i’m reposting it here

Pairing: Hank Loza x Reader (non descript reader but if i missed anything please let me know)

Inspo came from this post by @withmyteeth 💕💕

Warnings: none except for tooth rotting fluff and so much love it’ll kill you

Word Count: 2.8k

Moodboard made by me

It’s nearing two in the afternoon, you’ve been cleaning and re-cleaning for about three hours now to distract you from the fact that Hank got called to go to the clubhouse. “It’s an emergency” is all he told you. Never mind that today is your anniversary, you’re more upset because it’s Saturday, a day both you and Hank agreed that nothing would get in the way of your time together. But, you understand, you’re always understanding. If the club needs him, then he’s there. But as understanding as you are it still doesn’t take away the ache in your chest from not having your boyfriend home with you.

Hence why you’re cleaning. It acts as a good enough distraction but you’re quickly derailed from your tasks by Bishop calling you, and concern is all you feel now. With the ‘emergency’ that’s happening at the clubhouse, your thoughts are spiraling, but the one at the front of your mind is that Hank is hurt, he must be.

You’re quick to answer the phone, fingers shaking and your heart pounding. “Is Hank okay?” You ask, demand really. You’re already shoving your shoes on before Bishop even speaks.

“You should get to the clubhouse, sweetheart.” Bishop’s voice is calm, almost melancholy, and you’re pushed into even more of a worry when the call cuts out.

You can’t help the tears that pool beneath your eyes, nor the shakiness of your hands as you fumble with the keys. Nor can you help the absolute dread in your heart at the thought that Hank could be hurt. He can’t be, your brain tells you, he can’t do this to you, not today. So, you rush out of the house, shoes untied, and make the ten minute drive to the clubhouse. Those ten minutes feel like ten hours, every red light only serving to aggravate you further, but it gives you time to think. Think, really, is not the right word. Worry is more like it. You spend those ten minutes worrying yourself into a panic, preparing for the what if’s.

And when you do finally make it to the clubhouse, you barely have the car parked before you’re tripping over yourself to run up the stairs and slam open the doors, searching frantically for Hank. You don’t find him though, in fact, no one is in the clubhouse. And if you weren’t in such a rush to get to your boyfriend you’d realize that none of the guys’ bikes are out front either. Looking around the room, your confusion triples. Hanging along the walls are fairy lights, meeting in the middle of the roofing to create a canopy that surrounds the lone table in the middle of the room. The lights have been dimmed, a single candle along with two plates of what you assume is Hank’s cooking (you’d recognize the smell anywhere) and an empty vase sit on the table.

You don’t have much time to figure what this could all be about before Hank comes out from the back, stepping into the light and wearing clothes he definitely did not leave the house in. He’s in his nicest pair of jeans (the only ones without grease stains), a simple black button up with the sleeves pushed to his elbows (swoon), and most notably: he’s not wearing his kutte. Now, you’re more amused than anything. It’s clear this must have been a set up, that Hank must have faked the emergency to set all of this up. For what, you’re unsure of. You could be pissed that he lied to you, pissed that he put you through the worry, and you are, sort of. Yes you’re mad that he tricked you, but you’re more in awe over the fact that he put this together for you, like something from a fairytale.

Hank is the first to step towards you, one arm is behind his back while the other reaches out to you. He takes slow and deliberate steps, and you take only one towards him before his hand grasps yours and you’re pulled into his chest, his arm wrapping around you. During this hug you recognize two things. One being that his heart is beating at a rapid pace, it thumps in his chest where your cheek lies. Two being that, with the way your arms are wrapped around his waist, you can feel flower stems. Now, it should be said that you’re not the most intuitive, but you’re starting to suspect this has to do with something bigger than just an anniversary date.

Before you know it, Hank has placed a gentle kiss to the top of your head and pulled back to really look at you. You’re starting to feel underdressed in just shorts and one of Hank’s shirts tucked into it, but with the way your man is looking at you, you can’t help but feel like the most beautiful person in the world. Your arms travel from his back to smooth over his sides and run up his chest, one hand placed behind his neck and the other one fiddling with the top two buttons of his shirt that are undone.

And you smile, you’re smiling so wide it hurts but you don’t care, all you care about is how Hank is staring at you. So much adoration pouring out of him that it makes you want to cry (but you’re using all your willpower to not, you’re going to save your tears for the end of the night). When Hank pulls the flowers from behind his back, four light pink roses (one for every year you’ve been together), you laugh. You’re not sure what else to do honestly, you’re filled with so much happiness and love for your man that it bursts out of you in a laugh that Hank swears is the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Baby-” You’re cut off by Hank kissing you, not too deep, not what some would call passionate, but a soft and slow kiss that lets you know that he’s here, he loves you and he wants you to know it. When he pulls back, your head is spinning for a different reason, spinning with love and thoughts of wanting this to last forever, until the end of time. “What’s all this about?” You breathe out, the wind almost knocked out of you while your brain tries to catch up to the situation.

Hank’s smile widens, and he lets go of you so he can walk over to the table and place the roses in the vase. Turning back to you, he extends his arm again, and once you’re close he lifts your hands up and presses a kiss to your knuckles. And once again, you’re swooning, heart so filled with something you’re sure is greater than love. “You didn’t think I would actually leave you alone on our anniversary, did you?” Hank chuckles softly, kissing your hands again before stepping to the side and pulling out a chair for you to sit in.

“How long did it take you to put this up?” You ask, looking around at the beauty that surrounds you, still in awe of it all.

“Well,” Hank chuckles again, “It was supposed to take an hour at most, but you know how the guys are with getting distracted.” Both of you laugh at this, because it’s true. You wouldn’t doubt that Angel and Coco were probably causing more of a mess than actually helping. Hank sits next to you, and takes your hand in his again. “But I will admit, this has been a few weeks of planning.”

Four years together and Hank still knows how to take your breath away, he still manages to surprise you in everything he does. But you don’t get a chance to speak before he’s pushing your plate closer to you (not his BBQ for once, but an alfredo pasta dish that you’re starting to recognize as the same dish he cooked a few weeks ago, and then again last week (probably preparing and perfecting the recipe)). So, you don’t say anything, you both dig into dinner while throwing glances at each other like teenagers going on their first date, and it’s perfect.

Dessert comes next, Hank goes to the back again and reemerges holding a pie that he definitely made himself (he’ll deny it if you tell anyone, but he does happen to be a pretty solid baker). Through dessert, you’re talking softly about anything and everything. You’re both just happy to be close and together that you don’t bother with any heavy topics. At one point, Hank makes you laugh so hard you throw your head back and snort (something that’s never happened before you met your boyfriend (because that’s how happy he makes you, so unable to control your reactions)).

And when you look up at him, ready to tell him about your adventures yesterday while visiting your mother yesterday, your voice cuts off. Hank is moving towards the bar where, how did you not notice it, a stereo rests. He’s quick to press a few buttons and a soft tune fills the air. It must be something from a symphony, with how melodic and peaceful it is. He returns to your side to pull you from your chair, and you don’t even have time to think when suddenly Hank twirls you around and pulls you into his chest. And the next thing you know, you’re being twirled all around the room, Hank’s hand covering your hand that rests on his chest and his other arm wrapped around your waist.

You’re giggling almost the entire time, both of you gazing into each other’s eyes and smiles so soft that if anyone were to see you, they’d probably be sick with how in love you two are. The songs flow into each other, and you dance for what feels like hours (realistically it’s probably been twenty minutes), no words spoken besides whispering I love you’s periodically. When the songs finally end and you’re both dizzy from the spins and the dips, you both step back from each other and again, the clubhouse is silent. It’s not an eerie kind of silence, but a pleasant one. Being with Hank has taught you that you don’t always need to talk to be able to understand what someone’s feeling. And what you’re feeling right now is an emotion so overwhelming, you do cry. You’re not sobbing, just letting out a few tears from the happiness that flows through your blood.

Hank wipes away your tears, presses a kiss to each cheek, and whisks you away to the back porch where, again, you’re caught off guard by the sheer beauty of it all. More lights are strung up on various boxes and around chairs. The fire pit is lit and the flames dance upwards, filling the space with light and warmth. It’s not until you turn around that you notice blankets and pillows piled together to create a make-shift bed. In front of the set up is the side of the clubhouse, empty. Your thoughts as to what this could be about are answered as Hank steps away from you to turn on a projector that’s sitting on top of a crate, a laptop next to it. You watch as he fiddles with the machines and when you turn back, the projector comes to life, casting light to the otherwise blank wall. When the opening credits of Little Women start playing (because let’s be real, it’s a cinematic masterpiece and the scene with Jo in the attic makes you cry every single time) you don’t bother to wait for your boyfriend while you rush to the pile of blankets (and wow does it feel like you’re on a cloud).

If you could see Hank, you’d see the nervousness plain as day etched into his face, you’d see how his hands shake ever so slightly, you’d see how he gazes at you with a love that even he can’t quite wrap his head around. But soon enough, he joins you in your own little paradise. He wraps you in his arms and lays you against his chest and kisses your head, and you know. You know that this is what heaven feels like. Laying in your man’s arms, feeling his feather-light kisses placed anywhere he can reach, feeling his love radiating off of him and getting absorbed by your mind, body, and soul.

You’re maybe halfway through the movie when Hank shifts and reaches into his pocket (trying so very hard to be stealthy so as to not alert you to what he’s doing (he does, but you don’t say anything)). When you’re both finally settled and the movie continues on, you don’t even realize Hank is fiddling with your fingers, nor do you realize the sudden cool metal that slipped onto your ring finger. It’s not until a whopping eight minutes later (Hank was counting) that he pulls your hand up to his lips and places a delicate kiss onto your knuckles. You turn in his arms, leaning your head back and using the hand that he was holding to rest on his cheek, and pull him down to meet your lips.

The kiss is soft and slow, like you’ve got all the time in the world to just sit here and relish in each other’s love. You move to deepen the kiss and then all of a sudden Hank’s pulling back, grabbing your left hand again, and placing another soft kiss to your knuckles. Only then do you realize why he’d been so focused on your hands, specifically your left one. Because on it rests the most beautiful ring you’ve ever seen. Small diamonds line a gold band, with a slightly larger diamond in the middle. It’s simple, and with the lights all around you it glimmers with every twist of your hand.

You’re too stunned to speak, too in love with Hank to express how your heart is ripping apart and is being replaced by everything him. You’re staring at the ring, mouth open and tears now heavily pouring down your cheeks. And when you finally get your wits about you, you scramble to turn and face Hank, straddling him and placing both hands on his face, eyes searching desperately to find any sense of humor, any sign that he’s joking.

But you don’t find any of that. You find tears gathering in his eyes as he leans you forward to press your forehead against his. His voice is soft, almost afraid to speak too loud and ruin the moment. “Amor,” He stops, taking a deep breath before speaking again, “You’re my everything, my heart and soul, you’re the courage I need to take on anything and everything. You’re…” He pauses again, and a stray tear falls out of his left eye. He pulls you back a fraction so he can stare deep into your eyes, one hand holding your waist and the other takes your hands from his face so he can kiss them once again. “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. And I hope you keep happening to me for the rest of our lives. I’m pleading, make me the happiest man in the world and say you’ll marry me.”

Hank barely gets out the last word as you smash your lips to his, it’s a little messy, and you do miss his lips at first, but it’s perfect. You’re unable to sustain the kiss for long with how heavy you’re breathing, so instead, you peck his lips once, twice, and then one more time. And then you’re pulling back, and Hank will swear to the end of his days that you’re glowing, shining so bright as you stare at him, and he wants to make you feel like this always. He wants to make you so happy, he wants you to feel the love that he feels, the love that has consumed his entire being.

“Ask me,” You breathe out, lips curved up and shaking from the sob that’s threatening to burst. Hank looks confused at first, so you continue, “You have to ask me first, then I can say yes.”

Hank laughs, he tilts his head back to rest against the pillow behind him and looks up at you with the softest smile to ever grace his beautiful face. “I guess you’re right. So, will you marry me?” And this time, you laugh.

You’re giggling from the sheer happiness of it all, so much that you’re barely able to get out your answer, “Of course I will, handsome.”

The movie’s ended, but you and Hank are still lying wrapped in each other’s arms, content to spend the rest of your lives like this. And you’re hoping with everything in you that this love doesn’t fade, that you’ll be this happy and this in love when you’re both old and gray. But you also know that it won’t. The love you feel could never fade even if you wanted it to (and by the grace of god, you’ll never want to stop loving him).

And while you’re there, in your slice of heaven, you’re already planning the wedding in your head, too excited to become a Loza.

#let me know what yall think!!#mayans mc #mayans mc imagine #mayans fx #hank loza #hank loza imagine #hank loza fluff #hank loza x reader #my writing #bishop losa #angel reyes #ez reyes #taza romero

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zayashmaya · 3 years ago

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hi hello i’m better

*scrubs my blog clean from yesterday’s bullshit* haha nothing to see here just some good ole mental illness

okay but for real though, i wanna sincerely thank all the people that reached out to me yesterday with kindness and support. i’m sorry i didn’t respond, i just wasn’t in the right mental state and lately i can’t even bring myself to respond to pretty much anything. i wrote my emo post yesterday before taking my meds, which is when i tend to be the most unstable in terms of depressive moods. not that i really need to mention that but i feel like sometimes being candid with my issues can help others relate or learn something idk.

anyway, i am not going anywhere. at least not right now. i see now that i have a lot more supporters than i realized. and more than that, seeing people tell me that they check up on my blog and enjoy my silly posts really warmed my heart. so seriously, thank you guys.

i’m trying to get better, but sometimes my thoughts escape their cage and make their way onto this blog. i try not to do that. i want to fill this blog with shitposts and horniness as god intended. so i will try to do that more often.

i’ll delete this post later and we can pretend that nothing happened ajfkagf please know that i am thinking about galekh’s tits and dramatic lanque scenarios 24/7 goodbye

#delete later

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our-time-is-now · 4 years ago

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May 29-30, 2019: Beautifully cheesy

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Wednesday, 10:17 pm:

Matteo: *Hans and Linn had suggested Lasagna as a flatshare-dinner and have relatively quickly taken over the reins* *Mia and Matteo mostly sat at the kitchen table and tasted the wine that Hans had bought* *there has been a lot of laughter, a lot has been eaten and even more has been drank* *in between he thought that it's strange that the mix of 4 so different people somehow does fit together really well* *after dinner Hans got out some liquor that apparently is totally in at the moment and which unfortunately was also pretty tasty* *now, at almost half past 10 everyone is more or less sprawled out on the sofas in the living room* *Matteo is pretty drunk and really laughs about every stupid joke Hans is telling* *hears him say: "... and then I told him sorry, but you can't tell anyone that you're an artist, even I could draw that better"!* *Mia laughs and Matteo jolts* Shit! *he gets up but staggers so much that he has to sit back down* David! I have to get to David! *all three of them laugh and Hans shakes his head: "Sorry, sweetheart, but we won't let you into the Berlin night-traffic this drunk".* *Matteo shakes his head and tries to get up again* But I told him that I would come... to him... tonight... *Mia pulls him back gently but determinedly: "I'm sure he understands, just text him"!* *Matteo grumbles but takes out his phone* *types on it, grumbles, types some more and gets annoyed* Doesn't work... *Hans gets up and holds out his hand: "Give it to me, I'll do it"!* *it says a lot about Matteo's level of drunkenness that he really gives him the phone* *Hans deletes Matteo's jumble of letters and then types a message to David* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: Hello David, this is Hans, Matteo is so drunk that we would rather not let him leave tonight... *he stops when Matteo wildly waves his hands in front of his face* Tell him that I'm soooooo sorry! *everyone laughs and Hans continues typing* He says he's sooooooo sorry, but I think when he's sober tomorrow I'm sure he'll call you. :-) Good night, butterfly-boyfriend <3 *Hans sends the message and hands Matteo's phone back* And now we'll watch an episode of Ru Paul and then we'll all go to bed!

David: *has really spent his evening doing research on surgeons and mastectomy online and has written down three doctors that he wants to contact on Friday* *at some point didn't feel like researching anymore and instead has sketched a little to get his head free* *lost track of time and at some point flinches when his phone vibrates* *looks at the time and realizes that it's pretty late* *immediately thinks of Matteo and wonders when he'll be here while he opens the message and reads it* *hesitates for a moment but then answers* WhatsApp Matteo/David: David: Hello Hans, thanks for the information. I hope you had a nice evening. Good Night! *puts the phone aside and leans back* *thinks it's nice that Hans has told him and really thinks that it's more responsible for Matteo to spend the night at the flatshare instead of walking to him drunk, but is still a little sad that he won't see him tonight* *at the same time he thinks it's ridiculous and has to grin because for one, they have only said goodbye to each other 5 hours ago and they'd also see each other tomorrow anyways - he'll certainly manage one night without Matteo* *sketches some more and turns on music and around half past eleven he gets ready for bed* *when he lies in bed he realizes that apparently he has gotten so used to Matteo's clinginess and cuddling that he can't really make use of the space in his bed and the freedom of moving his arms freely* *tosses around a few times and tries to find a more comfortable position* *while he tosses he wonders whether Matteo's already asleep and takes his phone twice to text him, but then doesn't because if Matteo was really so drunk that he wasn't able to text him himself, then he either wouldn't be any less sober or would already be fast asleep sleeping it off* *misses him and feels weird because Matteo isn't that far away and it's only one night where they aren't together* *at some point does fall asleep, but it's restless and he dreams wild things and constantly wakes up because he thinks his phone vibrated or someone rang the doorbell* *every time it takes some time for him to fall back asleep*

Matteo: *thanks to the alcohol did fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow* *wakes up during the night and automatically feels around for David* *grumbles slightly when he touches nothing but the mattress* *pulls the second pillow closer, but that isn't a replacement either* *grabs his phone to check the time* *sees that it's 3:22 am and that he maybe shouldn't text David, after all* *briefly considers getting up and going over to David's* *shakes his head at himself* *wonders if he really is one of THOSE people who can't even spend one night without their boyfriend* *tries to fall back asleep but it's difficult* *only manages to fall asleep for a moment and wakes up two more times* *one time goes to get something to drink and one time goes to the bathroom* *tries to talk himself into thinking that he didn't wake up because he missed David* *shortly after 8 gives up trying to fall asleep and gets up to shuffle into the kitchen and make some coffee* *sends David a text knowing that it will reveal his dependence, but doesn't care right now* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: Okay, we tried the whole sleeping alone thing, I'd say we won't do that again... what do you think?

David: *wakes up again shortly after 8 because he had the feeling that his phone vibrated* *feels like he barely slept when he reads the message* *has to read it twice to understand it in his overtired state and has to smile automatically* *writes back* We tried, but I, for one, failed miserably. I miss you! When are you coming? *feels somehow calmer now that he has heard from Matteo but is still bone-tired* *has to laugh quietly because apparently it was the same for Matteo and he wonders what it says about him and their relationship but comes to the conclusion that they seem to be wired very similar*

Matteo: *immediately smiles when his phone beeps* *reads the message and smiles even wider* *answers* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: In one cup of coffee and one shower... so half an hour? ;) *thinks that all of his friends would probably make fun of him for being so addicted to David* *right now, doesn't care about that at all*

David: *feels the phone vibrate in his hand and only realizes then that his eyes have fallen closed again* *reads Matteo’s message and looks at the time* *writes back with a smile* WhatsApp Matteo/David: David: Hurry up! Maybe you’ll even manage in 28 minutes! *stretches and throws back the blanket* *thinks that he could go shower and make some coffee because if he stays in bed, he might fall asleep again and might not hear the doorbell, after all* *hopes that he’ll be able to have a little afternoon nap with Matteo* *so puts on some coffee, gets some clean but comfy clothes and goes to the bathroom to shower*

Matteo: *grins broadly when he reads the message and quickly answers* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: I’ll try my best! *pours himself some coffee and pours the rest in a thermos and puts it on the kitchen table* *puts a post-it on it that says “fresh coffee, I’m at David’s, enjoy :) M.”* *slurps his coffee, showers hastily and gets ready just as quickly* *throws some clean clothes in a bag because he brought back dirty laundry from David’s yesterday and then leaves* *manages to get there in 25 minutes and rings the doorbell*

David: *has finished showering and just taken his first sip of coffee when the doorbell rings* *checks the time and grins because it really took Matteo less than half an hour* *puts his mug down and shuffles to the door to buzz him in* *leans against the doorframe to wait for Matteo and smiles when he finally sees him coming up the stairs*

Matteo: *beams when he sees him and might go upstairs a little faster* *greets him even before he arrives upstairs* Hey… *kisses David when he arrives and wraps his arms around him* *drops his head on David’s shoulder* Missed you…

David: *returns Matteo’s greeting with a smile* Na? *starts to spread his arms a little even before Matteo is completely up the stairs, returns his kiss and then presses Matteo to him* *grumbles because he feels so good and has to smile into the hug at Matteo’s words* Me too… I’m so pitiful I couldn’t sleep half the night… *closes his eyes, breathes in the typical Matteo-smell and realizes again how tired he still is* *pulls Matteo into the apartment while still hugging him and releases the hug only a little once they are inside* I only had one sip of coffee, I really need more to not fall asleep again immediately… *grins slightly and asks* Kitchen or my room?

Matteo: *nods slightly* Likewise… *gets pulled into the apartment* *drops his bag on the floor and takes off his jacket while David closes the door* Then kitchen and coffee, otherwise we’ll fall asleep again… or no coffee, and we go have a nap?

David: *grins slightly at Matteo’s suggestion and longingly looks into the direction of the bed* *laughs quietly* Okay, you won. We’ll go back to bed… but I’ll put the thermos in my room for later… *pulls Matteo toward him again and kisses him* *murmurs into the kiss* I have catching-up to do… *lets go after all and quickly goes into the kitchen* *takes another sip from his mug, grabs another mug and the thermos and puts it on his nightstand before he drops down on the bed and reaches his arms out for Matteo* *is glad that he didn’t put on his binder in the first place to be more comfortable*

Matteo: *laughs with him and nods* Good… *kisses him back* Me, too… *grabs his bag and goes to David’s room and drops the bag on the floor* *kicks his shoes off and then crawls onto the bed and into David’s arms* *kisses him again before he lies down next to him and basically fully attaches himself to his side* *after some time quietly says* Do you think that we’re very pathetic for not being able to spend one night apart?

David: *quickly pulls the blanket over them before wrapping his arms around Matteo* *feels how he relaxes immediately, closes his eyes and simply enjoys having Matteo with him again* *has to grin slightly at his question and starts to run a hand through his hair* Hmmm… I felt pretty pathetic last night. But I feel better now that I know that you felt the same way… *runs his lips over Matteo’s forehead and kisses him slightly* *at some point quietly says* So we either have to do the whole sleeping apart thing more often to get used to it again… or we… simply are one of those awfully cheesy clingy couples that really aren’t able to spend one night apart…

Matteo: *hums slightly when David runs his hand through his hair and closes his eyes* *slightly nods in agreement at David’s words* *opens his eyes again and looks at him* *shakes his head* Sleep apart voluntarily? Noo! *has to think about Jonas asking if they’ll turn into one of those couples and has to laugh slightly* I’d say we are one of those awfully cheesy couples… *puts a hand on his cheek and kisses him slightly* Somehow I don’t really care what others think… as long as you are there…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo is so vehemently against sleeping apart* *nods in agreement and murmurs* I agree! *adds* … but we’ll scratch the “awful”! We are one of those incredibly beautifully cheesy couples… *gets kissed and then notices once again how his heart starts to beat a little faster out of love at Matteo’s words* *murmurs agreeingly* As long as we’re together! *briefly hugs him closer and both are quiet for a moment* *at some point quietly says* It hasn’t even been three weeks, but I feel like you’ve been there a lot longer… so… familiar and good and much and… *grinningly grumbles and hides his face in Matteo’s shoulder* Argh… I’m getting cheesy… maybe we really should sleep some more…

Matteo: *nods with a grin* Okay, beautifully cheesy… *wraps his arm around him* *hears his words and has to swallow slightly* *kisses his hair when he hides his face* I think so, too… and we just agreed that we are cheesy… *kisses him again and cuddles into him* … so we can enjoy that now… I think it feels wonderfully right… and I never had that… so… *shrugs one shoulder and then kisses David’s shoulder on which he lies* … okay, let’s sleep some more…

David: *nods slightly when Matteo says that it feels wonderfully right and murmurs quietly at his next sentence* Me neither… *smiles when Matteo agrees to sleeping some more, takes his face off his shoulder so that he can breathe better and pushes one of his legs between Matteo’s to be a little closer to him* *opens his eyes again for a moment to be able to look at him and smiles when he realizes how comfortable he feels having Matteo so close to him* *leans forward again to kiss his lips and murmurs* Sleep tight, Florenzi… *closes his eyes and falls asleep within minutes*

(next play)

#Druck #og druck #davenzi #matteo florenzi #david schreibner

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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811

What do you like to drink in the morning? I’m not really a drinks person and I’m fine having all my meals with just water. I like coffee, but I usually drink it in the afternoon or at night. What color is your favorite hoodie? Don’t have one. My favorite sweater is gray though. Do you have a string of lights in your room? No. I remember wanting those as a teenager but I figured it was such a waste of electricity just to make my room look a little cuter, so that turned me off from the idea lol. Do you know what you are going to do today? Yeah, well today I was going to finally register for a social security number online, but given that I’m from the Philippines and the government only gives their 15% in everything they do, the website is absolute garbage and I can’t get past the first step of the process. Not surprising anymore. Other than that, I don’t have anything else to do. Does your heart hurt? My heart is missing so many people at the moment, but it’s not really hurting.

Who is not in your life that you wish was? I wish that my late maternal grandfather was still alive, if he counts. Who hurt you last? Probably Gabie. She doesn’t have a good hold of her emotions when she’s mad and tends to spit out hurtful things without thinking if it would affect me. I plan to have a talk with her about it once we can see each other again because it’s beginning to suck. Can you see the moon out your window right now? Continuing this survey four hours later, except now I’m tipsy as fuck haaaaaa. I dunno, I probably won’t be able to. It’s been raining all day and evening so I might only see clouds if I look out.

What makes you feel inspired? Seeing other people with insanely good work ethic. Are you mad at a friend right now? Nope, no reason to be. Do you have a friend who hurt you and doesn't care? I mean I’m pretty sensitive, so yeah I’ve had some friends say stuff to me that they probably didn’t think anything of, but hurt me in actuality. Is your room clean? Sure, it’s not too cluttered at the moment or anything like that. Can you see the sunrise from your window? No, it doesn’t happen on my side of the house. If you were a writer, would you have a pen name or use your real name? I’d use my real name. Idk, I’ve always found pen names to be a tad bit confusing. Did you go to Goodwill yesterday? I didn’t, and I don’t, because we don’t have whatever that is here. What is your friend's cat's name? I don’t have friends who have cats. Do you celebrate your pet's birthdays? Continuing this survey 15 hours later because I was too dizzy to continue typing, lmao. I typically buy him a dog-friendly cupcake from the pet supply store at the mall near my school, and I serve him more food than usual for lunch and dinner. March is a busy month for me with school and stuff, so I haven’t gotten the chance to throw him a party. :( As a kid, did you celebrate your dolls' birthdays? (if you're a girl) I never liked playing with dolls. But no, I didn’t celebrate the ‘birthdays’ of my other toys. None of them lasted that long with me anyway haha. Are you wearing a hoodie right now? Nope. It’s chilly right now, but it’s not wear-a-hoodie cold. Did you ignore the last facebook post that bothered you, or did you comment? I had to ignore it because it was from my grand-aunt, and old people like to throw fits when you call them out so it was going to be a waste of my time if I commented. Do you need to go to the pharmacy today? No, no need for meds anymore yaaaaaay. Are you realizing that one of your friends isn't a real friend? Not at the moment. I’m happy with the circle I currently have. What was the name of one of your stuffed animals as a kid? I didn’t like stuffed animals either. This is more of my sister’s turf. Do you have a car? If so, did you give it a name? I do have a car but I’ve never given it a name. With my dad having plans to sell it soon, I’d rather it stay nameless for the remaining time it has with me so that I don’t get any more attached to it. If you were a famous singer, what would you want your hit song to be about? I’d want it to have an important message so I’ll probably write something about the bullshit that the government keeps pulling on us.

Did you skip church last week? No, unfortunately my mom makes us watch YouTube recordings of masses from a certain church. I usually hold up one of our couch pillows so that I don’t have to see the TV screen, but nevertheless I’m part of the audience and 30-45 minutes of my time are always wasted every Sunday. Do you have any big regrets? Just one big one. If you had to re-design an alien, instead of making them green with slanty-eyes and an egg-shaped head, what would you make it look like? I’m not creative enough for this question, so pass Do you have anyone who loves you, besides God? Do you have anyone who cares about you, besides God? Do you have anyone who you can go to for support? Yes, there’s a number of people I can think of. Do you normally write in cursive or print? Print, I write faster that way. Does your heart ache for something? Right now I’m kinda wanting pizza actually lol. Do you fit the millennial stereotype? I’m not even a millennial, dude. Would you want your first child to be a boy or a girl? Girl. I don’t want sons. If you were to write an article for a magazine, what would it be about? I’m in the mood to write an opinion piece about, again, the government. Do you have a blog? I have this Tumblr but it’s really more of a journal than anything else, so no, I wouldn’t say that I have an active blog. I did have several classes where our projects required us to make blogs and I never deleted those, so those blogs are still up albeit untouched for years now. If you were to start a blog, what would your first post be about? I can see myself starting a food review blog where I journal all the restaurants I dine in. Do you think you are good at writing poetry? I absolutely suck at it and hate when I’m required to make poems. Have you ever tried a science experiment that didn't work? I don’t think so. Have you ever had a teacher who looked like an alien? I dunno what an alien is supposed to look like but I also haven’t had a teacher who I thought looked weird. Do you take gummy vitamins? Not since I was 14 or 15. Are your feet wide? No. At least I don’t think they are lol. If you could do research right now for an essay, what topic would you choose to right about? Welp today is our Independence Day, so keeping in line with the timing it’d be nice to do a paper on something about Philippine history. What are your strongest attribute? Personally, I like the fact that I’m detail-oriented. That trait has been responsible for presentable Powerpoints, has saved otherwise careless co-workers, and has made sure that all research, written articles, etc. are free from critical errors, be it in data or grammar. Have you ever been tempted to commit a crime? Of course. I think we’ve all been tempted to do something like that at least once. Have you ever started writing a suicide letter? I’ve written a couple ones throughout the years. ...and then realized you wanted to live? No. Do you know anyone who had to evacuate for the latest hurricane? Not the last typhoon, no. But my friends in Marikina have had to evacuate for past calamities many times because they live right beside a river, and one that easily overflows at that. Do you write letters to friends? Only for special occasions, like for Christmas, retreats, if they were graduating, etc. Do you like to write letters? I do but it can get so tiring, especially because I prefer handwriting my letters. I used to write 40+ handwritten letters, one for each of my classmates, every year when we would go on retreat. The practice was super tiring though so now I typically just write letters for Gab. As a kid, did you find diagramming sentences fun? The what sentences??? I’ve no clue what you’re talking about. Whatever those are, I’m positive we never did that in school. What is your dream? Money. Where would you travel if you could? I’d go absolutely everywhere, but I’d start by finishing off Asia first. When it comes to traveling, I’ve always imagined myself taking my sweet time going local first before venturing out to farther countries. That being said, I’d love to go to Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Brunei. Do you feel all alone in the world? No. Do you own a piece of jewelry with an owl on it? Haaaaaaaaa, no. That’s such a Tumblr-in-2010 trademark. I did have owl stuff before, though. If you have a class ring, what color is the stone? Not a thing here. Does looking at the starry sky make you feel peaceful? It does. But if I’m really hellbent on feeling peaceful, I’d rather look at either a skyline at night OR into the sea during the day. Do you have a pen pal? If not, would you ever want to have one? No and no. Like I said, I’m pretty much retired from handwritten letters after writing 40+ of them every single year for around a decade lol. Do you drink hot chocolate? Only La Creperie’s San Gines hot chocolate. Sometimes I’ll drink hot chocolate at hotels too. Do you like apple cider hot or cold? I don’t drink that. Are you hurt by something a friend did to you recently? No, none of them have done or said something hurtful to me lately. Are you under 30? Yeup. Have you made a "30 Things to Do Before I'm 30" list? No. I don’t like keeping myself under a deadline. Do you paint rocks and hide them in your town? I’ve never done that before. Do you have a secret crush? Nope, am very vocal about my crush heh. What was the name of your first crush? Andi. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Yes, groan. Do you like parodies? Not always. Some of them can be a little too cheesy for my liking. Are you a Taylor Swift fan? Not a chance. Have you ever kissed a picture? I probably have. Do you use window clings (stickers for your window)? No. Do you decorate for fall? We don’t have fall. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? Not really sure yet...I don’t even know if we’re getting Halloween this year. Has suicide crossed your mind a lot lately? [trigger warning] Not these days, and I’m really thankful for that. I’ve self-harmed twice during the course of the quarantine and while that’s disappointing at least I haven’t thought about being dead, and that’s what matters to me. Do you have supernatural abilities? ............No. Do you get enough hugs? Definitely not these days. I haven’t been hugged since March. I think I might cry when I get my first one. What labels do people try to put on you? I don’t know. You’d have to ask others because this isn’t the sort of thing people say to your face lol. Who do YOU (or rather, who does God) say you are? Are you happy? I’m not happy with the Jesus questions on here lmao but kidding aside, I wouldn’t say that I 100% am. I just feel like I’ve only been floating or existing recently, but not fully happy. Have you asked yourself recently, Why am I here? I hate questions like that, so no. What family member did you get your hair color from? Everyone of them. Filipinos have the same features. Have you ever found a secret compartment? No. If you designed a house, would you give it a secret room? I’ve seen some interesting ones on the internet that make me want a secret room of my own, but I think it’ll stay as a fantasy. Do you read horror stories? When I come across them, sure. I don’t actively look for them though. Do you ever comfort eat? Yeah, I did it a lot before quarantine. Yabu’s a great example of me comfort eating haha. Does stretching feel good? Yesssss. Do you have your wedding planned in your head already? I have scenarios that play in my head but I don’t have the specifics – color scheme, flowers, centerpieces, location, etc – mapped out yet. Would you ever adopt a child? Not my first choice. Are you ok today? I’d say so, yeah. It’s not hot today so that’s already good enough of a day for me lmao. Was the last book you read good? It was okay. It holds a great life story with okay writing. Wrestlers write autobiographies ALL THE TIME which means that not all of them will be a home run, and AJ’s was neither earth-shattering nor bad. I definitely didn’t appreciate the unintended-but-casual sexism/misogyny in it or the extreme hyperboles, but it’s AJ and I love her work nonetheless.

#survey #surveys

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? yes

Are you in a good mood right now? r u serious?...

Is there anyone who you think you deserve an apology from? I won’t get any

Are you talking to anyone right now? my gf online and my mom irl

Did you buy anything today? I didn’t

Were you happy when you woke up this morning? I wasn’t

When was the last time you cried really hard? today, it wasn’t the hardest tho

When did you last hug someone? Who was it? this day as well, parent

How’s life going for you? no comment

Has something someone said today annoyed you? that’s normal Can you hear the crickets chirping at night? sadly not Do you like listening to new music, or just sticking to your favorites? depends on the new song - if it’s good then I like it as much as my old favs

When was the last time you were bitten by a bug? this summer has the worst mosquitos ever Do you have a pair of sunglasses that are worth over $200? I'm not rich, mine aren’t more expensive than 25 PLN Are you brave when it comes to trying new foods? ... When was the last time you saw your significant other? weeks ago, not counting video chatting Are you ashamed of your singing voice? I’m aware I have no talent so... Have you ever had a dream where you could understand a foreign language? also animal languages and been talking to plants etc. Do you have anything important to do tomorrow? hospital Are you a fan of retro things? prefer vintage, antiques, shabby - retro is fake but at times there are some good enough pieces as well Would you be considered to be knowledgeable about World War 2? I mistake WWI for WWII and vice versa If you’re with someone right now, do you think it will last? don’t feed my paranoia Have you heard of the Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers? oooh that’s the one Do you have something to do, that you would rather not do? tomorrow Are you, in any way, feeling hopeless right now? absolutely Do you know who you’re planning to ask to your prom? I wanted to ask my current gf back in the day but my mom didn’t let me and I didn’t go because only me and K. didn’t have a date so we preffered to stay home When was the last time you went shopping? yesterday What’s the limit on how much you would pay for a shirt? 60 PLN but I cry when I pay 30 PLN, luckily I have like 3 shirts that are about 30 PLN Do you like making funny faces in pictures? better to be funny than ugly, right? Is there something you look back on and go “I can’t believe I did that”? regrets Are you good at offering advice? but not following them What was the last thing to confuse you? confused is my second name Are you a fan of Keira Knightley? she’s not that good Have you ever resorted to alcohol to make you feel better? it doesn’t make anything better Have you heard about Mel Gibson’s rant/freakout? he was such a good actor, such a shame he’s not a good person Do you wish your bedroom was bigger? I wish I had my own apartment Have you ever felt like a “new person”? I had my moments that were ruined right after Do you own any expensive jewelry? I sold the only necklace that was worth something Has there been someone in your life that just wouldn’t leave you alone? stalkers Do you hate to use public bathrooms? there are way worse things than public bathrooms, even when they’re covered in blood, poop, pee and vomit (but puke is least bearable from all four)

Are there any writing utensils close to you? I packed bunch of them

What was the last thing that shocked you? brain, remind me what was last... How many other rooms can you currently see into? hall Do you need to take the trash out? done Do you need to clean your room right now? soon Do you need to clean out a litter box right now? my cat’s gone Are these questions reminding you of things you put off to do this survey? there’s washing my head on my list for this evening - nothing more How many days have you been wearing those clothes? gimme a break!

Can you move your nose? yasss

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? sew teddy and a cat from socks for example but I’m not fond of DIY in general Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? knowledge is power

What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? what doesn’t?... Ever had a living nightmare? my life is a nightmare

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? successful or not - haters are everywhere Do you wish you could be a world traveler? travelling ain’t my hobby Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? Ełk If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? if I had money and they wanted to go and it wasn’t that far away from home and they were angels and they were old enough... Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character’s autograph? wouldn’t bother, pics are better How long does it usually take your hair to dry? so short yet dry slowly Is your Pinterest page cluttered? it’s neat Did you used to name your Barbies? of course Is your life boring? ppl say it is but for me it’s not enough boring if you know what I mean Do you usually feel better around people or alone? alone Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? tried to fix friendships but it didn’t work out Do you ever think about Heaven? yup Are you ready for Heaven yet? I will go to hell but I don’t mind dying now if it’s a quick death as I prefer to be gone that an ill burden to myself and others Are you afraid of where you’re going to go? I don’t deserve heaven, I think it would be unfair for me to go wherever, I have love-hate relationship with God Do you feel better now than you did last night? noooo Does your body have any problems with it? my body is 99,99% a problem, it’s made of problems like jigsaw puzzle game Have you taken any huge risks lately? my life is 24/7 at risk - does that count?... Silence or songs? depends Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? try to ignore them if possible What color socks do you have on? purple stripes, looks a bit like asexual flag - this realization :o Are you under a blanket right now? am not

How much was your prom dress? What’s the most you’d spend?: I wouldn’t buy anything expensive, dress from a second hand under 30 PLN Are most of your friends single or taken?: my friends were basically always single When you’re taking a survey that has a “Which of your friends is… the nicest? The prettiest? The smartest? Etc.” do you skip over it?: as I have no friends anymore to be honest What salon do you go to for getting your hair done?: I cut them on my own or ask mom for help Do you believe in luck?: I’m unlucky Would you marry someone of a different religion?: that would be hard Would you convert for them?: nope Worst part about your job?: I don’t have a job and the worst part about it is lack of money and regular UP visits Ever took something out of the lost and found that wasn’t yours?: they tempt me I took some lost/trashed stuff from the street tho Do you delete friends from Facebook if they never talk to you?: that’s me! Do you know anyone who smokes cigars?: my uncle did Ugliest fashion trend at the moment?: according to this - shorts suit, cut outs, sheer/transparent, raffia not a fan of most of vests blue isn’t my fav color but it’s a seasonal thing but shirts shouldn’t be such a huge part of summer in my opinion Do you like glittery nail polishes?: why not

Are you wearing a pink shirt? it’s white with black letters

If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? hospital I believe

Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? don’t even let me begin this subject...

What makes your room unique? trinkets

Does your past bother you? consequences of it

Do you take risks or play it safe? play it safe and yet...

Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? more than one person, more than one reason

Do you live in the USA? Poland

Who do you want to meet in Heaven? from those who already died? my brother

Is it raining? slightly

Is your life stressful and exhausting? to me it is too stressful and exhausting

What is your favorite time of the day? when I sleep, if I sleep that is

Have you ever known anyone that’s gone missing? nope Do you put your foundation on with a sponge or your hand? I don’t use foundation, yuk Do you have to pee often? ppl told me that I pee often Do you live near a pet store? they closed pet store in my town

Who was the last person other than family to tell you that they love you? my gf How many people have you kissed in the last month? 1 Do you know anyone who writes really well? my gf writes well Does it bug you when people spell color “colour”? not spell but write, it sounds good in British accent but looks horrible on paper

What is the best fanfic you have ever read (lmao) only fanfic I remember reading was that one E.W. and K.K. sent me about Draco and Harry (yaoi)

If you could direct your own TV show/movie, what would it be like? it would be based on my book

One thing you’ve always wished you could do / be good at? be healthy

Post a picture of the weirdest/funniest text conversation you’ve ever had! can’t choose only one, also, sadly, I don’t have screenies of some of them

Is there a stranger you would like to meet again? for example - I’d like to see all those ppl that I thought have amazing fashion sense and ask them if I can take photos then I would make a blog about it

Does your school take sports too seriously? all schools do, that’s unfair What does the sound you currently hear remind you of? it’s quiet

Did you eat out anywhere today? nah Where is your purse? my purses are in various places around my room

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haltandcatchfiretothemax · 5 years ago

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Original tweet: “Frustration for no season5. Series was about connecting, in the end everyone parted ways. Not asking better ending, just wish different...”

Chris C’s quote tweet response: I actually think you figured out what we were trying to say.

[note: quote tweet response has been deleted, and can’t seem to be found even through the wayback machine :< ]

[CN: spoilers, major character death]

So yesterday was the two year anniversary of this tweet, which I’ve been meaning to write about since maybe November of 2017? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of it in the past couple years.

Halt and Catch Fire is about many things, and like every thing made to be watched, read, or listened to, it’s going to mean even more things than it’s about, because it’s going to mean something different to every single person who cares about it. But of all the capsule, concise, elevator pitch type descriptions we could come up with, ‘It’s a show about how things end’ would be an accurate one, even if it’s blunt and a little bewildering. Things change and/or end, we lose things and we fall out of touch with people when we move on. The show has always been about that, and that’s why three of the show’s five leads are traumatized, bereaved loners to whom Dallas is not home, and the other two leads are estranged from their families and households in other ways, even though they’re locals. Everyone in the is cast lost, on some level, and in part because they’re struggling to adapt to losses, setbacks, and other changes they’ve had to go through.

By the end of the series, they’ve all experienced another ten years worth of setbacks, but I feel like they’ve all gotten better at coping with life. After prison, divorce, a cross-country move with the little start up that could, seemingly irreconcilable estrangement from his son, nearing bankruptcy, a second marriage, and a heart attack, Bos gets a clean bill of health. And suddenly, it seems, he’s not afraid of retirement, of relaxing, of getting to his last thing. Maybe this is partly because he was there for the last years of Gordon’s life, and he saw the way Gordon worked at facing his health problems and learning to be present head on. Gordon is definitely wiser and much more evolved by his final episode, he isn’t obsessed with his own brilliance or being recognized anymore, and he’s learned how to balance his personal and professional goals. This of course is partly because of and also made possible by his divorce from Donna. Because she’s a mom, Donna has been balancing work and home for years, she’s a veritable pro at it, but by the end of the show she’s figured out how to own her ambition, and she’s become the kind of leader and executive that she was always meant to and also always wanted to be. She’s earned the freedom she wanted from the work-home balance grind, but at some cost, and she eventually learns how to live with that cost. It probably helps that she gets back the most important thing she lost, her relationship with Cameron. Cameron has paid, too, for her desperation to belong to someone and feel apart of a family, which is arguably partly why she couldn’t get over Donna’s betrayal of her trust, and why she married Tom and moved 5000 miles away for seven years. She eventually learns to face and correct her mistakes. She learns to stop thinking of herself as a child or young prodigy, because it’s time for her to grow up, and refusing to do so isn’t serving her. She learns to accept that she played a part in her falling out with Donna, and to let go of her anger with her. But it’s not just with Donna, she also learns to see and accept J*e for what he is, and she finally figures out that they want different things, and ends their relationship. And while J*e does not seem to be at peace with that just yet by series’ end, he’s learned some other important lessons, probably too many to list here, actually. But in terms of where he ends up, J*e’s revelation is that, in the wake of Gordon’s death and the end of Comet and his relationship with Cameron, he can and should get off the tech merry-go-round. It was never about tech for him, the way it was for Cameron, Donna, and Gordon, and his entry into it was largely about his abusive father’s shadow. By leaving town, J*e withdraws from everything in his life, yes, but he also gets away from his grief, and he finally gets out of his father’s shadow. It’s not ideal, but it’s what he and a lot of bereaved people need, and to that extent, it’s a happy ending, and a sign that he’s actively working on dealing with his baggage.

I would like to believe that like the characters, I’ve gotten better at dealing with life. This show has unquestionably helped me to get better at coping with grief, loss, and epic friend breakups, and I think it’s helped me gain a healthier sense of perspective, and if not, it’s at least been there for me as I figured these things out and became wiser with age. A thing you can’t know in your early or even mid 20s is that even though life is ‘too short,’ life is also long. It’s very easy to become overwhelmed by painful early life experiences; you have to get through them to realize that even the worst and most life-altering traumas will not always be the defining thing of your life, there’s a lot of stuff ahead of you and that a certain amount of change and flux and endings are normal, that there’s still time for you to be happy, or at least, happier. No matter how old you are, if you’re reading this, I hope that you’ve learned something about this from watching this show (or maybe even from following along here), and that that information will be useful to you at some point even if it isn’t right now.

It will sound silly, but I hesitated before starting this side tumblr, partly because I figured there’d be tons just like it (lol), but mostly because I knew that the show would eventually end, and that at some point, I’d have to stop posting new content here, and that I might fall out of touch with whatever friends I might make here. (I didn’t even actually expect to make that many friends or mutuals here, I can’t believe how many of you I’ve gotten to talk to!) That fear of a good thing ending won’t be relatable to everyone, but I have hunch that a significant portion of Halt’s audience will get it.

Even if not, I am so, so glad that I didn’t let my unnecessary but habitual preemptive anxiety and sadness over things ending, over connecting and then parting ways stop me. It’s made a long few years immeasurably easier and less lonely, and it still does, even if it’s not the same as when the show was still airing. (Which is why I’m still posting here, and will be for a while, hopefully until after I can completely a full series rewatch.) It’s not like I’m looking forward to the day when I wrap up this blog, but, I’m also not irrationally (‘irrationally’) depressed by the idea of it anymore.

Halt was was always preoccupied with ‘the future,’ so it’s not hard to imagine the characters of the show feeling or thinking something like this, it would make sense for the show to end with the characters, or most of them, no longer feeling quite so scared of or depressed by the void of the future? I can’t be sure if that’s the vibe the finale was going for, and I feel like it’s a little bit sunnier than Chris C.’s tweet is. It’s what I got and what I’m still getting out of all of this, though, so I’m content to share this interpretation here, and to think that maybe it’s at least part of what the writers’ room was trying to say.

#for the second time this week:#...really did not mean for this to get quite so long #so ty to everyone who reads it in advance!#meta #is it meta?#meta monday #except it's on wednesday so what who cares!#halt and catch fire #h&cf finale feels

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cravingmarvel · 6 years ago

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Apartment - Chapter Nine

Sebastian Stan AU

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Fem!Reader

Warnings: A little angst, like one swearword

Word Count: A little over 1430

Summary: You just moved from Germany to New York, working as an editor at a newspaper. So what happens when you find out your favourite actor lives in the apartment across from yours? And how will people react when you share your story on your Blog dedicated to him? What will you make of this situation?

A/N: I owe my motivation to Jay @buckisthatyou And that I stopped beating myself up for not uploading this yesterday hahaha I LOVE YOU

Masterlist // Sebastian Stan Masterlist

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six // Chapter Seven // Chapter Eight //

I sat at my desk waiting for four pm to finally arrive, so I could go home. Today has been the worst day I’ve ever had. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and the urge to go home bugged me since I came into the office this morning. My thoughts were all over the place and not once did I think about the work I had to do. My brain just came up with the worst scenarios of how Sebastian could find my blog and everything on it. My stomach felt heavy. This is stealing energy from me, making it impossible to get through the day.

I logged out of Tumblr to avoid getting distracted, but even the thought of people having screenshotted the chapter I posted, made my stomach twist and turn. I noticed a few sending me hate anonymously, so logging out seemed to be the only solution not to act on it. The thought of deleting my whole blog also crossed my mind, but I didn’t want to throw away everything I’ve built. I’m attached to what I created and shared, so losing something that brought me nothing but joy over the past year made me sad. I’ve met some amazing people on there, some I even consider my friends.

My prayers were finally answered, so I packed my things and left as quickly as possible. On my way out I passed by my boss who is wearing a particularly swampy looking tie today, making me laugh internally. As I sat down on the driver’s seat, my phone started ringing and I saw Sebastian’s name on the display. A smile crept up on my face. “Hey, Seb. What’s up?”

“Hey, I wanted to ask you if you would like to come over to eat and watch a movie.”

I smiled even wider making my cheeks hurt. “Sure I’ll come right when I washed this day off my body.” I heard him chuckle on the other end.

I was listening to sad songs the whole time I was driving home to match my mood. I did this. It’s my fault that people are catching on what’s happening. I should’ve never started that whole series. If I never started talking about my neighbour being Sebastian, none of this would’ve happened. But there was no turning back now. I did what I did and dwelling on it is not going to change a single thing.

When I got home I immediately went into my bathroom to take a shower. The warm water hitting my skin, making my muscles relax. I tried to push every thought of the disaster happening online to the very back of my brain. I wanted to enjoy this evening with my boyfriend, Sebastian. I put on a pair of leggings and oversized shirt, to be as comfortable as possible.

I left my apartment and went straight so Sebastian’s, knocking on his door. He opened the door in sweatpants and a sweater, matching my comfortable aesthetic. He gestured for me to come in by stepping away from the door. I noticed a few candles had been lit and the smell of pizza made my hunger grow tremendously. We sat down on the couch and Seb brought out some movies to choose from. Sebastian disappeared somewhere while I decided on what movie we should watch.

“Y/n, look.” I turned around to see Sebastian holding a cactus. He smiled from ear to ear showing me the plant. “I got it today. You kept talking about cacti when you first came over.” I couldn’t hold back laughing a little.

“You remembered!” I was quite surprised he did. “So now you expect me to take care of it when you’re gone, right?” He went over to the bookshelf to put the cacti back between the books.

“Well you did offer to do that, didn’t you?” He sat next to me, placed his arm around my shoulder and kissed my temple. I looked up to meet his eyes.“I did.”

A small giggle escaped my lips and Sebastian moved closer to me brushing his lips against mine before gently kissing me. He pulled away while still staying close to my face. “You’re so adorable.” He gave me another kiss before starting the movie.

We had a fun time just eating and laughing at how stupid the people in horror movies could be. Seb’s very affectionate, always placing kisses on the side of my face, squeezing my hand and whispering sweet nothing’s in my ear making me shiver.

I stood up to make my way to the toilet. His bathroom has the same vibes as the rest of his apartment. His products neatly placed on a shelve and it looked like he recently cleaned the sink.

I stepped back into the living room to see Sebastian now standing, with his gaze fixed on his phone. I took a few steps towards him as he lifted his head to meet my eyes, confusion written all over his face.

“Is this real?” I looked at him equally as confused because I had no idea what he was talking about. “Is this your blog?” He held his phone in front of him so I could see the screen, showing my Tumblr Blog. I lost any and all abilities to speak. I knew this was coming. The truth always comes out, but I was hoping it wouldn’t. In this exact moment I wanted to turn into dust. The realization kicked in. He read the chapters.

He read ‘Apartment’.

The series where I documented everything that happened since I moved in. The series where I shared personal and special moments of us. I fucked up, I knew that now. It’s too warm for me to handle and the air seemed harder to inhale.

“You were lying this whole time? You knew who I was and lied to my face?” He turned away from me running his hand through his hair. I wanted to say something, I really did but nothing came out. I didn’t know what to say. “And on top off it you shared it online?” He turned back around and I could see the pain in his eyes.

“I didn’t know I would fall in love with you, and I wanted to talk about it.” I tried reaching out to him, to touch him but he distanced himself even further.

“You could’ve talked to a friend, y/n!”

“But, those are my friends. And yes I’m a fan of Marvel, but does that really matter?” I knew exactly where he was coming from, but that shouldn’t stop us from being together.

“No it wouldn’t be a problem if you would’ve been honest with me and not share our story online.” He sat back on the couch and put his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry. Please—“

“How am I supposed to trust you?” He lifted his head and I saw the tears running down his face. “Is there anything else you lied about? I don’t know what’s true or not anymore, y/n.”

“I didn’t lie about anything else, I promise. I was just so shocked it was actually you and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I had no idea what it would turn into, how was I supposed to know?”

He got up from his seat to walk towards the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water and leaned on the counter with his back facing me, signalling me that he doesn’t want to look at me. “I think you should go, y/n.”

I picked up my bag and slowly opened the door. “I’m really sorry” was all I could get out, without my voice completely disappearing into thin air. I had no idea that this day could get even worse. And now he wants me to leave him alone.

I closed the door to my apartment and tried to compose myself, to not break down completely. My lungs couldn’t provide me with the air I needed, with my chest rising and collapsing faster than it should. My head dizzy with his words screaming at me louder than I could handle, over and over again.

But in the end, my body still collapsed to the floor. Holding my knees tightly to my chest to steady myself. It seemed like the world turned against me, pointing their fingers towards not just my mistakes, but also me as a person. How am I supposed to face him again after the mess I’ve caused? My secret is out and more people know than I want to.

Apartment Taglist: (OPEN) @funkenniffler @ghostbusterkevin @anxietyrosee @nikolett3 @rex-orange-baby @mightiestheroes @letsbestupidforever

Permanent Taglist: (OPEN) @funkenniffler @fuckthatfeeling @void-imaginations @dewy-biitch @7kindsofpurgatory

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine #sebatian stan #sebastian stan angst #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan au #apartment

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annakie · 6 years ago

Text

I made it, and now there's no turning back

Hey, so, this is about to be a very long, spammy post about Critical Role season 1. This is mostly for my own memory, so in the future when I want to revisit watching the show, I'll have my own log, of sorts. It's really long. And a lot of it is my chatlogs about the show with @janiemcpants , posted with her permission. So if you hate reading other people's chatlogs, this may not be the post for you.

But if you wanna read a lot of words about a show where some nerdy-ass voice actors play Dungeons and Dragons, this may be the post for you.

Also, for unknown reasons, I’ve had Jimmy Eat World’s song “Cut” stuck in my head the last couple of days, and it’s basically all I’ve listened to today. The words don’t really fit my emotions, but the overall feeling the song gives me does. So that’s where my head is.

I said some of this an a post I made a few weeks ago, but I’m saying it again now. Ever since I heard of it, I was pretty sure I’d love Critical Role if I could get into it. And so for two years I meant to catch up.

I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons since the late 90′s, second edition, and have been in epic campaigns of my own before where I fell in love with not only my character but our entire party. I love this party just as much as I’ve loved Annotea, Sekhar, Ike, Ta’Rik, Annwyl, Krivken, Liek, Colin, E’a and Rhyz.

I have looked for a post I made like a year and a half ago asking for help figuring out how to get into Critical Role on my blog a few times but either I tagged it badly or deleted it. I don't know. I remember some people said to start at episode 19. Some people said to use it as background sound when cleaning / cooking / driving etc. I knew I didn't want to start midway through the part of the story we had, I was disappointed to learn they were already 8th level and we'd missed like two years of story before the show.

I have a post from June 2016 saying I'd made it an hour into the first episode, but I think I finished that ep, or got close, and didn't pick it back up for like, another year. I think it was like mid-summer last year when I made my second push to get into it.

I made it through like eight episodes, and I remember having episode 8 up in a web browser for weeks or a couple of months and things were just so crazy with everything happening with work at the end of the year. And I only watched it as background noise at work. I'd frequently realize I had no idea what was going on, and through like the first 30 or 40 episodes I'd find some kind of recap to read at the end of the episode to make sure I didn't miss anything important.

Here's some negativity, so skip it if you'd like: It took me a very long time to get through like episode 10 to 27 because long before I learned all the things that happened since he left, I couldn't stand Orion. I've looked into it a bit and basically for all the normal reasons people didn't like him. I respect that some people did, but being honest here, if he'd have stayed on the show, I probably would have stopped watching. Around episode 20 I learned that he'd leave soon, and dragged myself through the rest of the episodes until he was gone. And then, it was much easier to get into.

The first half of this year my job went from crazy drama to just plain boring. I really didn't have much to do, and everyone knew I was just biding time until it was time to go. So I'd watch like half the day sometimes, often while doing what work I did have to do. But often that work was like, wiping laptops or organizing keys or just... busywork. But CR made the days pass quicker, and it was enjoyable.

The Feels apparently really started on 3/09 when I sent this to JanieMcPants: Grog winning his second solo battle with the orc JUST BARELY thanks to Scanlan's sneaky inspiration is my new favorite moment in the show.

This would begin a very long chatlog of me just yelling feelings at her. After this, my current comments are italicized.

---------- 03/10/2018 janiemcpants: That whole episode is SPECTACULAR Did you finish it? I don't want to spoil anything if not!

annakie: I did, I got to the part in the next episode where Percy finally confessed a bit of what is going on with his life since they're back home and have been invited to some feast. Still pretty early on in that ep, work got crazy yesterday. :)

---------- 03/23/2018 annakie: Man, I'm on ep 26 now (I watch in bits and bursts as I have time at work, it's real slow going) and I have to say, (I deleted some negativity about Orion here). EVERYTHING ELSE IS GREAT though. I'm really enjoying everyone else and their characters. The episode with the dinner at the Briarwood's was AMAZING especially and I'm so worried about Percy. I was almost in tears as Liam was talking about him thinking about Keyleth and Vex when Vax was going unconscious and thought he was going to die. That was so, so good.

BTW did I just miss it all this time that Vax has a thing for Keyleth? Like I didn't notice it at all until that moment he was going unconscious and now it's obvious.

janiemcpants: Vax’s last thoughts about Vex and Keyleth KILLED. ME. That was also the first time I realized he was into Keyleth, and I think it was the first time any of the others realized it, judging by their faces. Liam did say later that he already was aware of it when the show started, and he dropped a few hints before he outright said it. I’m listening to the podcast right now from the beginning and there are some little things there that you can pick up if you’re looking for them, but nothing that would have given it away, I don’t think. So it was a fun surprise for everybody. (Vax and Keyleth are one of my favorite pairings on the show. I just love them.) This arc is THE BEST and so intense. So much suffering, but also so much goodness!

(We chatted more for awhile about Percy, and the cow episode (Very fun!) )

---------- 04/12/2018 annakie: OH MY GOD SO MUCH IS HAPPENING CASSANDRA IS ALIVE AND VAX IS KISSING KEYLETH. This is so good. SO GOOD.

janiemcpants: I didn't see that kiss coming AT ALL It was SUCH A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE And Percy gets one sibling back, MY HEART

---------- 05/02/2018 annakie: I've been studying a lot and haven't had a lot of time for CritRole but I watched some today like the END OF THE BRIARWOODS HECK YEAH and Cassandra is good again, and then VAX TRYING TO HOLD KEYLETH'S HAND ON THE TREE and she didn't know how to respond she's so awkward and unsure and needs time to figure it out. I was sitting there just staring at the screen instead of working for like 20 minutes during that part haha.

And I watched the winter fair episode with Trinket winning the pie eating contest and Grog losing arm wrestling to Trish the Dish and that was GREAT. I stopped like right after Matt had Tiberius leave the party for good. It was a very good day of very awesome CritRole at work. :)

janiemcpants: Keyleth and Vax just KILL ME. It's such a slow burn until suddenly STUFF HAPPENS and then it slows down again and pulls at my heartstrings the entire time.

---------- 05/17/2018 annakie: "I don't want to be alone tonight."

"I haven't wanted to be alone most nights..." And I let him in. THE SHIP HAS SAILED. YAY!! :D

annakie: Haha aww Marisha switched seats so she could be closer to Liam, that's sweet.

lol of COURSE the VERY NEXT DAY they see Kashaw again. And Will sits on the other side of Marisha... that's great.

janiemcpants Yay!!! They’re the slowest of slow burns but it’s so worth it. Liam and Marisha manage to be adorable even when they’re seated far away from each other. And yay to Kashaw coming back! I had mixed feelings about him at first, because the second Trial of the Take group had a blend of personalities that was tough to work with, and he got lost in the sea of grouchiness. But he ended up being great and every time he comes back I love him more.

(I'd grow to feel the same way about Kashaw.)

---------- 05/29/2018 annakie: Episode 44 - Oh my gosh, there was a beholder fight AND NOW VEX IS DEAD WHAT IS HAPPENING? And yeah, I think Kashaw is definitely more stand-out-y here, I'm really enjoying his character here. :)

annakie Keyleth: "Why did you do that? Kashaw: "Because I knew you wanted me to." D'awwww....

janiemcpants: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Vex’s death there kills me extra because it comes AFTER they win the fight! Everything is supposed to be okay, and then NOPE. THANK GOODNESS Kash was there. They're so lucky he happened to be their guest that night!

I mean, they probably could have come up with another way to save her, but being able to do it right away was a relief. And it was a great character moment for him

--------- 6/15/2018 I made this post, and I was at episode 49.

----------

A lot happened, and I didn't yell about it much of anywhere. I don't know how I let 20 episodes go by without reacting much to them, especially when SO MUCH HAPPENED in there. Right about when the Chroma Conclave hit, I knew I was sucked in, completely.

But in a month and a half I made it through 14 episodes. Near the end of July, things started happening very quickly.

---------- 07/27/2018 annakie: I'm on episode 63 now and I just realized today I'm JUST BARELY over halfway through this campaign. Which makes me both happy and not, haha.

Woah Tiberius. This actually sad. :(

That was really rough and I cried a little.

janiemcpants: TIBS That was so sad All of it was, but "I encourage peace" really got me And when I rewatched it and realize that's what Percy's DM whisper was about, and you can see it on his face and then he has to sit on it for like 20 minutes AUGH

07/28/2018 annakie: Oh man I'm going to have to go back and watch that again. I was touched at how sad EVERYONE was. And yeah, the burial part and "I encourage peace" got me too. It's always sad to lose a friend, but also Tibs defending Draconia was really the perfect ending for his character.

I started ep 65 and YAY. FINALLY. KEYLETH AND VAX. FOR REALS. I have LOVED the slow-burn of the last 40 episodes but I'm glad they're moving into an actual relationship now.

I got spoiled about Vex and Percy just the other day (No one's fault, someone I follow on twitter liked a tweet, which twitter OH SO HELPFULLY put on my timeline. So, it's twitter's fault.) There have already been some hints that it's coming with Vex's titling and all, but I'm looking forward to it.

(Getting spoiled accidentally about that was my "OK TIME TO CLAMP DOWN ON SPOILERS!!" wakeup call -- especially since that Really Big Thing happened in Campaign 2 right about then and despite trying real hard to not be spoiled I know all about it.)

And Scanlan, what character growth with his speech to Pike a couple of episodes ago, apologizing for the proposal and realizing he was more in love with the idea of Pike, even though he does really love her, so proud of that boy. And the note he gave Pike awhile ago for if he dies AND SHE READ IMMEDIATELY. That was like the first real sign she's given. The only thing that's bothered me about Scanlan, (who is probably my favorite, though I love THEM ALL) is that he was nice-guying / trying to wear Pike down this whole time, albeit in a charming way, and now he gets that, so YAY!

---------- 07/28/2018 annakie Watching 65, and having Matt torture Marisha by having Kashaw ask Keyleth out the night after she finally gets together with Vax is masterful. Haha

Awww Gilmore's parents, so sweet. And then Sam "Well, they're both over 70, so who's going to kill them?" buhahahahaha

07/29/2018 annakie: Oh my God, episode 68. I'm bawling. I obviously know Percy will be back but this was really, really, really rough. Taliesin took it better than anyone. Matt seemed just as devastated as everyone else. Marisha's crying made me cry.

That ending, with everyone gathering around Ripley and each doing their own killing blow for Percy.... it was so, so, SO GOOD.

I hope the internet wasn't too hard on Matt that week.

(I really did bawl about Percy's death. That's when the show went from “I love this” to "This is masterful. This is amazing. This might be elevated to rank of "FAVORITE THINGS!"

This is also when I started watching at home -- because I had to know what was going to happen. And because I realized that this show will MAKE ME CRY and I can't cry at work. I also started watching on the weekends, basically as much as I could, every night, all Saturday and Sunday when possible.)

janiemcpants: Keyleth and Vax took a while, but I think they played out perfectly in the end :) I’m so happy the way the official couples turned out, because they’re all so different and so great in their own way. Truly something for everyone! (Vax and Keyleth are my favorites, but I don’t think I have ANY NoTPs, which is awesome.) When I first started the show, I thought I was going to HATE Scanlan, specifically because of the nice-guy thing. But then that sort of started to taper off and he won me over anyway, and I was so happy that he actually realized what was going on and apologized for it. Especially since I love their relationship, as she’s more or less the group’s moral compass, but he’s also basically the group dad--the one who keeps the to-do list and helps everyone keep their shit together (even if it’s not in the most conventional way). Thank goodness he finally realized it was more important to keep her as a friend than to keep trying for romance and probably eventually lose her by being a shithead.

68/69 are two of my favorite episodes, and two of the very hardest to watch Rough, but really emotionally and narratively satisfying

---------

7/21/2018

I made this post, My first big feelings post.

---------------

08/03/2018 annakie: I JUST FINISHED 78. SO MANY FEELINGS! VEX ANSWERING THE DOOR NAKED. THE WHOLE PLANNING. GILMORE IS WITH THEM! AND OH MY GOD KASH AND ZARAH PLS DON'T DIE BUT IF YOU DO SACRIFICING YOURSELF LIKE THIS IS AMAZING, I LOVE YOU. Also I'm now watching Talks Machina too so each episode is an hour longer!

08/05/2018 annakie: OH MY GOD SCANLAN. THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN PERCY. I DIDN'T THINK IT COULD GET WORSE I AM BAWLING AT PIKE'S POEM OH THANK GOD SHE ROLLED A NATURAL 20

Liam breaking during Pike's poem double killed me

I'm also so glad Ashley could be here for this one. I wish Sam was.

Also I'm SO GLAD Keyleth was so amazing last episode, both the feeblemind (totally, 100% saving this fight) and spotting Kima and Allora in the ocean. Just MVP'd the hell out of that ep.

janiemcpants: OH MAN that feeblemind!!! And I’m so glad it was Keyleth who landed such a huge blow on Raishan. And spotting Kima and Allura was such a HUGE RELIEF. What an emotional rollercoaster that episode was. I’m convinced the dice themselves have a sense of drama. That’s the only way to explain some of the narratively amazing 1s and 20s we’ve gotten

annakie: Oh my God, I know. Just absolutely insane. THAT NAT 20 MERCER ROLLED FOR THE FINAL RESURRECTION ROLL OMG

I didn't stop for Talks Machina between those eps. I couldn't, I had to see what happened. I'm so glad this entire ep was so laid back after the resurrection.

This show... I'm so, so mad I wasn't into it from the beginning. On the other hand, having to wait a week between THOSE EPISODES would have been the worst.

janiemcpants: IT WAS It's so good that they generally have breather episodes once something huge is over with, because I don't think I could handle the tension otherwise

---------- 08/06/2018 annakie: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE FUN AND HAPPY AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. I had to stop watching at work

Because I started crying a little and then Percy gave his speech and I almost lost it haha That's where I am right now, raced home from lunch to watch the rest of this where I could cry

janiemcpants: Are you on episode 85? That one really hit like a slap in the face

annakie: Yep!

janiemcpants: That's the only one I think I won't be able to watch again

(I made this post.)

annakie: He's gone now, they're awake the next morning. Like I knew he was leaving but I thought it wouldn't be THIS TERRIBLE. I thought it’d be like “Hey guys I’m taking some time off, love you, bye!” but nooooo.

janiemcpants: And it really felt like it came out of nowhere!

annakie: But also props to Sam because that was such a good representation of depression.

Like I really understood where it was coming from but yeah you really didn't expect THAT.

janiemcpants: Yeah, he's definitely not afraid to take risks and let his character be imperfect, and he had some good points and some not so good points in a very realistic way But BOY was that hard to watch

annakie: Yeah exactly. Like, yelling that nobody cares about him.... that they don't love him.... I have felt that way about people who I absolutely knew loved me and that just shook me. It was just... so... real. And the way everyone reacted. Man I just wish Ashley had been there.

I already know Sam plays someone else for awhile and eventually, Scanlan comes back but man... again... so glad I don't have to wait to KNOW THAT.

janiemcpants: You're lucky you know that! I totally thought he was gone for good Are you at the end of the episode, or still going?

annakie: Still going, they're at Whitestone still the next morning deciding what to do next. Keyleth just scryed on Scanlan and Kaylee.

Grog: "I know you on a more intimiate level." Vex: "Because you saw my titties." Grog: Basically, yeah.

Real question: Can I watch the rest of this episode and maybe next without crying, so I can finish it at work, or should I not? Gotta head back in a few minutes

Oh heeey it's already Sam's new character. :)

janiemcpants You can probably finish it up Since you met Sam's new character and he's pretty good And the next one has a lot of funny stuff in it

---------- 08/07/2018 annakie Episode 88: The Kraken Fight. FIVE AND A HALF HOURS (more like five after the break BUT STILL.) I feel like I was watching this episode for a week.

janiemcpants That was intense! Them not being able to kill the kraken really added some stress to the fight Although they might not have been able to anyway

08/08/2018 annakie Yeah! That added a whole crazy layer onto it! I was pretty sure there would be more deaths than just Vax. Not that him dying wasn't bad, but you know. I think I'm becoming desensitized to the deaths because I didn't cry during his resurrection. Also, poor Ashley, it feels like every time she's there lately it's to resurrect someone.

Finished Ep 90 this afternoon, Keyleth's Aramente ceremony was really good. :)

Also Grog and Tary potion shopping, I laughed so hard at work and had to keep it quiet, I'm sure my coworkers think I'm a maniac.

Ep 91 - Vox Machina Go To Hell... sounds amazing. Just starting.

janiemcpants: Grog and Tary shopping was a total trash fire and it was so great And Vox Machina Go to Hell was such a good title! And a good episode!

---------- 08/11/2018

annakie: Ep 95! Past the time skip! The last two have been SO MUCH FUN and just what we needed after all the sadness and tension! And YAY ASHLEY IS HERE FOR AWHILE. SHE'S GETTING A STORYLINE! Also I love Tary so much now, that character growth! :D But I only have 20 episodes left noooooo

(later that night)...I should probably be doing other things with my life other than watching CR + Talks Machina but I'm already on 98. Clearly Tary is leaving soon, it's neat to meet his family and all, though. I'm gonna miss him. I thought Tary would just be like... a filler character. But he's so great. So. Great.

---------- 08/12/2018

annakie: OH GOD IT'S SCANLAN HE'S BACK I'M DYING (also I'm real sad Tary is leaving soon, the conflict of emotions!). I JUST got to the part where Vex runs up and hugs him and they go to break I'M CRYING.

annakie: EVERYTHING HURTS but Jon Heder's character is hilarious

janiemcpants: Oh no, goodbye Tary! Tary was a cross between Gilderoy Lockhart and a J Peterman catalog and I absolutely adored him, but it’s so good to have Scanlan back I wasn’t sure what to expect from Jon Heder, because I’d only seen him in Napoleon Dynamite and didn’t like it, but he was so great in this

annakie: Oh man I missed him so much. He's having to apologize SO MUCH. Poor Sam, haha. The Talks Machina with him, Ashley and Laura was great, though and Laura saying Travis was too emotional to go on the show was so.... awwww. I'm into ep 100 now Yay the new look! AND LADY BRIARWOOD IS BACK WHAT THE WHAAAT. And Poor, poor Sam having to play three characters, though, he did this to himself. :D

--------- 8/13/2018 annakie (about the first Vecna fight): That shoulda just been called "Vox Machina gets their asses kicked." Vaaaaax

Scanlan MVP'd the hell out of that fight though No time for Talks Machina, I'll do that at work tomorrow, RIGHT ON TO 103!

janiemcpants: Episode 102 was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER Thank goodness Scanlan came back when he did!

Although I did enjoy everyone guilt tripping Sam for making him leave

And then THE ENDING

annakie: GOD EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. ALL OF THIS. I NEED TO PAUSE TIME SO I DON'T NEED TO SLEEP AND CAN JUST WATCH CR STRAIGHT THROUGH FOREVER UNTIL IT'S OVER. These are disaster children and they are terrible I love them.

(I made this post.)

janiemcpants: I had to laugh at your last post because that's exactly what it's like! There's SO MUCH in each episode it's almost impossible to post about it. TOO MANY FEELINGS

And not enough time!

I think this last arc has really good flow to it You can feel the urgency, but it still gives things the time they deserve

annakie: It really is! Like you know if I had a week between episodes than it'd be way easier to sort but I can't take any time I have to watch as much as I can now. I'm at the part where they're trying to sort out why Vax is back and I WANT TO DIE.

janiemcpants: WASN'T THAT A CURVEBALL I was expecting a tense, elaborate ritual like the others got, and they were planning for it, but nope! We're skipping that part

annakie: I read something like a tweet or untagged post MONTHS ago about Scanlan not being able to save Vax. So when he got disintegrated I was like "Oh this is that that meant." and now I'm like "OH SHIT NO IT WASN'T, WAS IT?!" I'm scared.

(Oh, you sweet summer child, you have no idea what you’re in for.)

janiemcpants I just love how Vax getting disintegrated totally changed the context of everything that happens, but not in the way anyone expected Matt's mind is truly a place of wonder

annakie: Also Yay Grog just asked Scanlan to hang out with him in Vasselheim :3 Nothing like a terrifying near-death experience to spread some forgiveness.

TRAVIS + SAM IS THE BEST, WHETHER IT'S SCANLAN OR TARY.

--------- 8/14/2018 annakie Me today: OK my boss asked me to go to this important meeting and take notes I need to concentrate.

What I actually thought about : SERENRAE GAVE PIKE A SPECIAL BLESSING AND LOVES HER SO MUCH AND ALSO TOLD SCANLAN SHE HEARS HIS PRAYERS AND HE IS A TRUE BELIEVER, HE HAS A HOLY SYMBOL AND FOUND HIS WAY TO THE TOWER HIMSELF WE ARE SO BLESSED. REMEMBER SAM AND ASHLEY'S FACES THROUGH ALL OF THAT IT WAS PERFECT.

Also Scanlans face when. Grog mentioned that he was looking for Scanlan, the moment passed so fast but I cried.

(later that night) annakie: I'm so mad I have to run my own game tonight so all I'm gonna have time to watch is to the end of 104 Glad I prepped my game a week or two ago though

janiemcpants: THEIR MEETING WITH SERENRAE, I WEEP It’s just so good to see both a character who’s been so devoted but struggled with it at the same time, and a character who had to develop so much to get there, actually be seen and acknowledged by their god

annakie: I REWATCHED IT WHEN I GOT HOME

janiemcpants: What a great moment for both of them

annakie: SO amazing, I loved it so much.

janiemcpants: Also, I love how it doesn’t even matter how the group splits up, any combination of them is going to be interesting and fun (But especially Sam and Travis because of their shared delight in chaos)

annakie: I'm RIGHT NOW at the part where everyone is talking about Vex to Pelor and OH SHIT SHE AND PERCY ARE BETHROTHED THAT'S THE SECRET YES that's so true every pair is amazing

Also once again Scanlan MVPs this, with his polymorph on Vex

janiemcpants: It's truly astounding how many times Scanlan single-handedly saves their bacon

annakie: Yeah as much as I loved Tary like... they really NEEDED Scanlan.

janiemcpants: They really did I wish they could have both!

annakie: When I rewatched the Serenrae meeting I watched Ashley's face and every time Scanlan did something positive like made it to the tower or Serenrae acknowledged Scanlan as a true believer Ash's face was just amazing. She's so pleased at Scanlan :3

janiemcpants: Ashley's just so good

annakie: I KNOW, ME TOO. I peeked and saw that we don't see Tary again and I'm sad! I hope he gets an epilogue!

Also I NEED VOX MACHINA PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE HOW GREAT SCANLAN IS BEING HERE.

Last Tuesday at 11:24 PM *screaming into the void* http://blog.annakie.com/post/177011924723/critical-role-stuff-spoilers-up-to-ep

--------- 8/15/2018

janiemcpants Everything you said is SO TRUE And I still just can't believe how Sam took what was meant to be a joke* and turned him into this incredible three-dimensional person who never fails to surprise me. Will he turn into a dinosaur and destroy a building? Will he sing at the giant monster instead of fleeing like everyone else? Will he melt my heart with beautiful words about friendship? Will he devastate my emotions when he stops covering up his pain? Will he make a dick joke? We never know! And he's grown so much! *(Apologies if you already knew this, but when they were getting ready for the original one-shot home game that started all this, Sam had never played before, and Liam helped him pick out his character. Sam said he wanted to be the worst, and asked what the worst character would be, and Liam came up with gnome bard. And here we are. That was all captured on the podcast they sporadically do together and it's pretty funny.)

annakie Hilariously, I just found that out about Liam helping create Scanlan an hour ago. On the episode of Talks I was watching at work Sam kept mentioning his Reddit AMA and so I googled it and read it, literally an hour ago. So if I would have seen this earlier, it would have been new information! And YES SO MUCH I AGREE.

Like I love them ALL so much but I mean... Scanlan. Fucking Scanlan. Fave. Sorry.

(Later) annakie Darin DePaul is hilarious lol I was like "Uh who is this?" when he showed up but he keeps making me laugh. I'm still in the initial fight right after they find Sprigg

janiemcpants Fun fact: Darin de Paul played D&D thirty something years ago with Matt's mom, and Sprigg is the character he played back then I think that old session ended with Sprigg disappearing or something, so this is the continuation of his story, set thirty-whatever years later He’s really terrific, though! I only knew him from Overwatch, but I get such a kick out of him here

annakie OMG, that's awesome! Thank you for that fun fact! I was wondering if he ever played before, he seemed to get it pretty quick with only a little help from Sam. He's saying goodbye now, aww, such a good end for a fun character!

annakie Oh good, Ioun told Scanlan how awesome and important he is to VM and Kaylee and in general, I feel better now. I'm a little sad that I guess Ioun is his god now I guess and not Serenrae but it also seems fitting.

8/16/2018 janiemcpants Yeah, I was surprised by that, but in the end I think I'm glad he got his own god who appreciates him, rather than being wrapped up in Pike's story Not that Serenrae didn't appreciate him, but I like that he got something of his own

annakie That is so true!! Like Serenrae gave him comfort when he needed it, and accepted him, but he prayed to her because it's what he knew because of Pike, but I think he didn't do it FOR Pike. But it turns out Scanlan wasn't destined for Serenrae.

Also I meant to mention awhile ago that I really loved Percy holding everything together after Vax died and they were in the Feywild. He really stepped up and kept everything from falling apart and I was really proud of him.

Scanlan being constantly dismissive of them talking about Tary is hilarious. "Scanlan can you scry on Tary?" "Who? Oh... you mean that fancy fellow?" haha

(Later) annakie Oh yay I'm glad they sent word to Tary that everyone is OK.

janiemcpants Yes!! I was so concerned about poor Tary. The necklace is a good idea in theory, but in reality all it does is tell him something is wrong, but he doesn't know what or how he can help What an anxiety-inducing item!

Also yes to Percy! His growth is really inspiring to me on a personal level (all of theirs are in different ways, but he's the most relatable to me personally) I love how, since they're all so different and grow in different ways, there's a good story there for everyone

--------- 8/17/2018 9:07 PM annakie Just finished the ep where they forge the trammels. Starting to close in on the endgame :o

annakie OH MY GOD... hahaha using the love potion TARY gave Vax to prank SCANLAN, this is amazing, I love it so much.

I CAN'T BREATHE

Last Saturday at 1:15 AM Hi it's 1:14am and I'm still awake because I had to finish this live episode.

--------- 8/18/2018 annakie: In the middle of 112 now, and I have to stop watching to go to my Pathfinder game.... nooo... one of the few times I'm unhappy about going to gaming. :) I think I'm going to be able to finish tomorrow if I just power through and don't stop for Talks.

---------

(And here we go, into the endgame. I woke up, turned on Critical Role, and knew I'd finish the campaign that day. In addition to the gifs and posts I made: http://blog.annakie.com/tagged/episode+114, here's the rest of that experience. I’m not going to link the individual gif posts.)

8/19/2018 12:53 AM annakie: THE STRANGLING WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

This entire episode is like the most fucked up episode lol

9:21 AM BRIARWOOD FIGHT WITH Joe Manganiello!!! I'M SO SCARED.

11:58 AM OH MY GOD KAYLEE AND CASSANDRA AND SHAUN THANK GOD THEY STOPPED AND FIXED IT OH MY GOD I'M CRYING

3:17 PM I'm liveblogging. AND DYING. ZARAH AND KASH OH THANK SERENRAE!!!

janiemcpants: I was out of town for the weekend and just got home, and I can't believe how fast you're going! Although once you hit a certain point you can't help but tumble unstoppably towards the end, because it's all going so off the rails at once I WAS SO WORRIED FOR KASH AND ZAHRA

annakie: I STILL AM

janiemcpants: And having Cassandra and Gilmore and Kaylee as death knights was a particularly cruel stroke of genius on Matt's part

annakie: Arkhan just got back though, so that's good I guess haha

SO CRUEL

janiemcpants: CAN YOU IMAGINE, if they hadn't left one alive, they might not even have taken their helmets off and they never would have known

annakie: GOD I KNOW I KNOW... That would have just been.... oh man I can't even imagine And thank God Matt let them revivify even though it could have been more than a minute

annakie: There's so much happening I can barely breathe I feel like I've been watching this episode for ten hours already All I've watched is 113 and this today.

janiemcpants: It's probably even better watching it all together like you're doing, because a whole lot of interesting things happen in a not-that-long amount of time There's so much!

annakie: Yeah... I mean TBH for the last month I've just lived this show, I haven't watched any TV shows. It's been so great to just really LIVE IN IT and there's so much of it especially after taking a year to get to this point.

annakie: Well, it was around the point of Percy dying the really sad time to get to "OK I can't stop watching", that's when I started watching at home and not just at work. And then I stopped watching at work much after Scanlan left because I was too invested to only sorta pay attention. Yeaaaaah Grog just kicked ass.

janiemcpants: Percy dying was right when I started watching live! I was trying to catch up on the old stuff before I started doing it live, but when I heard that happened I just COULDN’T stay away. What a hell of a pair of episodes those were.

annakie: OH WOW that's awesome! How many episodes did you skip to get to that point? haha OH ALSO PIKE TELLING SCANLAN HE HAS TO STAY ALIVE BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENS AFTER. MY HEART. I was a little worried because since she was back she'd hardly interacted with him, except for that butt-slap a few episodes ago and then this conversation happened and I DIED. (And then Sam joked it was Scanlan2 and I refuse to believe that it wasn't actually real Scanlan, they're dressed different, she would have known.)

(Also in the Vecna fight Real Scanlan had to use the Death Ward Pike put on him so yeah, she said it to Real Scanlan.)

Oh also I found online where Sam posted the letter Scanlan wrote to Pike and OH MAN, TEARS.

janiemcpants: RIGHT?? At the beginning I never thought I'd be invested in Scanlan and Pike's relationship, just because of the nice-guy stuff, but it got really, really good as it went on I still had about 15 episodes or so to go when I started watching it live, so I missed a little bit of context, but it was worth it That letter was so good

annakie: Oh man we just almost lost Vex and the looks on Liam, Travis AND Taliesin's faces all killed me. I can't wait to start watching live, still probably going to be a month or so.

annakie: OH NO THE JENKY TRAMEL.

annakie: PIKE BLEW SCANLAN A KISS!!

annakie: I can't believe I still have an hour to go (probably 45 minutes of game time) and Scanlan and Grog just got banished. Also I know something bad happens to Grog so I'm just waiting for that. Maybe he never comes back from banishment!??!

annakie: Hahaha Scanlan dispelled Vecna's teleport and MATT'S FACE. Oh no, he's saying sorry to Liam This is why... “I was going to save Vax.” OH MY GOD Sam is crying And Liam is crying

janiemcpants: That moment is where I cried the hardest in all of 114 Especially because they called each other Sam and Liam instead of Scanlan and Vax IT'S SO PAINFUL

annakie: THIS HURTS SO MUCH, I’M BAWLING. Most of the table doesn't even see what's going on Like they're having this private moment while the game keeps going.

annakie: Oh God that Nat20 for Scanlan to counterspell dominate person on Keyleth. Could you imagine this fight with Tary instead of Scanlan? It'd have been over in round 2

annakie: lol I watched Jocks Machina on the D&D twitch channel awhile ago so I knew Arkhan was going to betray them, that's amazing how he did it. Also, so great that Keyleth was able to finish the ritual

annakie: Oh no Sam and Liam are crying at the end this is the worst

annakie: Annnd here we go. 115.

janiemcpants: GOOD LUCK

annakie: I'm really going to miss this credit sequence, I love it so much I always watch it every episode. I've seen the new one and it's cute but I love this one.

janiemcpants I miss it too! It's so good

annakie: I get why they did a more generic "look at us playing D&D" instead of character intro credits but this one is amazing I mean especially after what happened to Taliesin's character in season 2.

annakie: Yay Kash and Zahra :D I'm so glad they got a goodbye. :) That was a great sendoff!

janiemcpants: It was so good! Even with Liam wreaking emotional havoc

annakie: vax is saying goobye and I'm bawling

even matt is crying, i can't

(I made this post.)

janiemcpants: I cried through that ENTIRE EPISODE

annakie: I'm taking a crying break to watch the fanart Glad Ashley made it just in time for that moment

Oh man this great series of fanart with the quote where Sam asking what's the worst character, and Liam saying gnome bard, and the art is all showing how Scanlan saved the party, that was amazing

annakie: Oh my God Liam isn't even at the table anymore THIS IS SO SAD

janiemcpants: That art sounds fantastic! Must try to hunt it down Oh no, I can't cope when they leave the table

annakie: "We'll fill in each other's gaps, we'll be the glue." THANKS LAURA NOW I'M CRYING AGAIN BECAUSE I LOVE VEX/PERCY SO MUCH.

That even broke Taliesin a little

There's a part of me right now that's still screaming "GO FIND GILMORE AND CASSANDRA AND KAYLEE!"

janiemcpants: I know!!! There's so much they should be doing, all at the same time! HOW IS EVERYBODY??

annakie: Percy just mentioned cassandra, maybe they'll remember lol

NOPE, off to a bar!

Yay Kima's there!

Oh ok good they're in whitestone whew

annakie: GROG NO DON'T PULL CARDS

Oh man Kaylee and Scanlan's conversation, I'm crying again.

janiemcpants: Grog pulling the card was so goddamn funny Especially in the midst of so much sadness

annakie: Oh my God he just pulled the card in whitestone

omgomgomg

AND ASHLEY'S INTERNET DROPS

Annnnnnnnnnnnd this is why they have to go rescue Grog omg omg omg

annakie: Aw, I was almost hoping they'd actually do one last adventure but that was funny.

janiemcpants: Yeah, I really wish we could have seen the rescue, but they were clearly planning on this being the last episode, and it would have thrown everything off But it was worth it

annakie: ASHLEY’S FUCKING INTERNET DIES RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO ASK SCANLAN ON A DATE I AM SCREAMING I'M SO MAD

Scanlan and Pike’s conversation was everything I always wanted THEN HER INTERNET DIES

annakie OK Scanlan's epilogue was awesome :3 “I will do literally whatever Pike wants to do.”

And YAY we get to hear about Tary!

YAY LAWRENCE!

janiemcpants: I'm so glad Lawrence wasn't dead! I was totally convinced Tary's dad had him whacked

annakie: Oh God Pike’s marriage proposal and one last grog & scanlan conversation I love it so much I'm crying again

I've known they ended up married for a long time but that was great. :3

janiemcpants: I just love that they both planned to ask each other out in their epilogues!

annakie I KNOW, so great :D

I'm really glad that Scanlan let Pike lead, that was amazing.

janiemcpants: Yes! That brought it from great to perfect

annakie: And he just wanted to follow where she went and helped out. And they have a home, and Grog with them, and are a perfect weird family! :D

They're my favorite ship, though I love all three very much.

janiemcpants: And Grog gets to stay with his gnomes forever! And he's not left alone even though he didn't end up with a romantic relationship!

annakie: YES!

I love Percy and Vax being so Percy and Vax in their epilogue. Kids with lots of names! Tinkering!

janiemcpants: The part about Percy making clocks made me weep BUCKETS

annakie: Percy finding redemption helping Cassandra omg

YES

"Make a clock tower, make art and never make another weapon. I'm good." :D

annakie: Aww Grog taking punishment from Vasselheim

Hahaha the potion guy being the tutor ohhhhh my God this is amazing.

This guy never even got a name did he and yet he's brought so much joy

janiemcpants: I don't think he ever did!

annakie: Marisha is making Liam cry this is so sad

janiemcpants: EVERYONE CRIES SO MUCH AND THAT MAKES ME CRY EVEN MORE

annakie: "And every day that Raven comes to visit."

I'm dead.

Oh my God Matt and Marisha get married THE NEXT WEEK!?

janiemcpants:

YEP!

annakie: Well I'm completely emotionally drained.

(We said a bit more here, but it was personal.)

11:28pm: I made this post. ) -----------------

I couldn't do much yesterday but think about this fucking show. I'm catching up on the Talks Machinas I missed from like 108 through 115, I think I'm on 111 now? I also watched Matt Colville's recap of the episode and why it's so great. I'd been looking forward to watching that since he made it, since I watch most of what he puts out it's been sitting in my suggested videos like for almost every episode I watched. That was perfect, as well.

I removed some talk about this in the chatlog Janie and I had but I'm going to take like this week off and catch up on the Specials & Oneshots I didn't watch before. I need that cooling off period. I'll probably power through season 2 after it's done and start watching live and wondering if It's Thursday Yet? within a couple of weeks from now.

I'm still sorting through feelings, too. I'll probably have more to say.

But you know how there's a lot of media you like, and some that you love but only a few make it to that "Favorite things" level, the place where it turns into something that you love wholeheartedly and will remember forever and kinda wish you could erase from your brain so you could re-experience it for the first time again?

I have a few of those. Futurama. MST3K. Parks and Recreation. Psych. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. The entire Mass Effect trilogy. Neverwinter Nights 2. The Thrilling Adventure Hour. U2's Songs of Experience album. Sugar's Copper Blue album. The Princess Bride. All of Star Wars. The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Star Trek: TNG and DS9. The Good Place will end up here once it's done.

And now Critical Role: Season One.

#critical role stuff #personal post tag thingy #critical role

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