#i realized a while ago that my blog is the first thing that shows up on google when you search 'inukag'

[galactic-rhea]

WDYM Anakin is Luke and Leia's dad

I dunno if this post will reach the Star Wars fandom but I hope it does because I'm sure you all will get a good laugh at me.

As of recent I have developed a good hiperfixation for Star Wars, the thing is I knew nothing. NOTHING about Star Wars besides the fact it had aliens and...a war...in space? And funny swords. And main character is Luke or something, I spent over 20 years ignoring anything about Star Wars and somehow missing most references out there.

And recently, literally less than a month ago I saw a gif and said to my partner "oh this guy this guy looks cool, this gif looks nice" and he said "Oh well, he's a good character." And it all developed into me watching Clone Wars, the animated series you know and...and I was kinda blown away, on my opinion the show IS GREAT. And I love every character and their interactions, I love how much they focus on side characters, and they all seem very well written. I got hiperfixated really fast and saw Anakin and I was like "Omg, babygirl. He's a blorbo now."

And because of the show, this was super unexpected, but somehow I also got, really got, into the ship with Padmé because omg, cool woman. Literal happy squeaky noises of someone who was in a bad state and needed some good ol' distraction and comfort.

Now, like I said I knew nothing about Star Wars as a whole. And I still haven't watched the movies, besides the ocassional gif?

So imagine my shock, my surprise, my...bewilderment when I realized.

"Wait a minute, LUKE IS ANAKIN'S SON?! HOLY-"

Ladies, gentleman, and others, I think I came very late to this party and I don't even know how it took me so long.

Not only that, but because of this sudden love for the series, I went to my friends circle like "BESTIE, GUESS WHAT, I HAVE A NEW BLROBO AND A NEW FAV SHIP AND EEEP"

And my friends are like "omg that's amazing, what is it?"

I tell them, and of course they all know these characters and they all react like they know this very bad secret fact and I got told several times already "Please, don't watch the episodes 2 and 3 alone, it will hurt."

I feel like blissfully walking among rainbows and blue skies while everyone else know that my future is doomed. Somehow.

(Uncomfortable silence)

Not only that, but then I spent a whole deal of time thinking "Where the heck I have seen these guys" cus there was some fmailiarity I couldn't just point out and then one day I woke up, brushed my teeth and of all sudden I realized and it was such a shock.

Do you know how SURREAL is to get very into a character, and into a ship, and then realize they're the same from that super widespread meme that has been around for who knows how much time?

I swear I thought that meme was from some old medieval fantasy movies or something.

But alas, Star Wars now is EVERYWHERE. People do references to Star Wars ALL THE TIME and it's just now I'm catching them.

I got spoilers. From a meme. In a youtube review that had nothing to do with Star Wars hah. Everything is a spoiler, the world is an apparent spoiler. Now I'm here, trying to avoid spoilers from something everyone seems to know, even my family knows. It's so surreal and I wouldn't have it any other way 😂

Anyways, if you read until here, know that a wild ride still waits me, cuz I'm only starting Season 3 of Clone Wars and I don't plan to watch the movies until I finish the series.

And yes, I made this blog just to ramble freely about SW and draw stuff because it sparked my inspiration after a long art block.

Have this doodle I drew after watching the two first episodes, my offering for you reaching this far.

Note: Wouldn't Anakin and Padmé's ship name be Animé? Cuz that's hilarious.

[lovebvni]

The Star — An introduction to my Group Waiting Room

Finally, after months ( maybe even a YEAR ) of promising to make this blog, I am beginning it. I really wanted to make this blog a while ago to introduce this wr to so many people, but I haven't (OBVIOUSLY) but now, its here!

Let me start off with this, this waiting room is a waiting room anyone and everything who is a reality shifter has access to. Yes, there are personal invitations, but everyone has access. All you have to say is "I am going to shift to The Star." and you'll be there. The universe knows what you mean, and they wont wrong you and shift u to a literal star (unless that is what you want, obviously). But now lets get into what you will see when you get there

When first entering The Star for the very first time, you will be in a waiting room with "Welcome! Everything is fine." written in green paint on the wall. This is a reference to one of my favorite shows, The Good Place. Yes, I realize how ominous this may look or sound, but if you know me, I love being a bit creepy sometimes. The door to the left will lead you farther into the waiting room, the door to the right will lead you to a personal makeup/dress up room.

When going right, you will have the ability to change your appearance just like a video game character. You can change your height, weight, skin tone, whatever you want! Your desired body is yours to choose. This room is also fully customizable. For example, mine looks like the glitterizer from Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse (iykyk). I would always suggest going to your personal dress up room before anything else. But if you decide not to, there will be plenty more opportunities for you to change how you look and what you are wearing.

The next place you will enter is a long hallway, and ther will be almost a 'check in' when you get there. At the check in, there will be two dogs -- a yorkie and a chiwawa mix. These are my cr dogs that I love very much. They will give you a ticket and a pamphlet on where to go/the layout of the waiting room. In that card, there will also be a personal message to you from your spirit guides! Everyone has at least one, and they may be long, they may be short, but they will be for YOU and YOU only (unless you want to share with others, of course.)

After this, you have the ability to walk into the common area, which is just full of chairs and places to chat. There are many other things you can do here, but I will list the other rooms below.

a power testing arena -- simply a place you can test a power you want to have/do have and see how powerful it is. you can also train with other people/npcs :p

Deity worship/work area -- there is a hallway where every deity (from a to z) have a room that is just there's. you have the ability to go in and worship or speak with them there. they are not always active there, as they probs have other shit to do, but you can always leave a message and they can request your presence :D

Wild Shift/Teleport -- you will be sent to a random place in the universe that will entertain you. It may not be a dr you made, but it is always open to you to be there. You have the right to shift out any time if you do not like it (obviously)

A POOL ROOM -- ok i love pools, so obviously i scripted multiple pool rooms there. they are so pretty, and i have just been told some mermaids hang out there in their free time

multiple cafes/places to eat -- self explanatory. any food in the universe is accessible to you. these cafes/restaurants are run by helpers, lumas from Mario cart and Chaos from Sonic. They are so cute and sweet, they can also duplicate when needed.

MALLS !! -- idk man i love shopping and trying on clothes w my friends, stfu

Media areas -- there are two main media areas, a library and a theatre (both traditional and digital, also can be for multiple people or one person)

Therapy/talk with your guides/ a multidimensional therapist-- to do this, we connected with a reality where reality shifting is normalized, and there are therapist who work interdimensional. they are always willing to help. all meetings are confidential and will not be spoke about with any being

two 18+ areas -- i only call them 18+ because thats whats socially acceptable here. there is a topic area and an actual... yk.. LMFAOO

Those are all the like, public spaces! Now onto the ports.

A port is similar to an airport, which is why you got a ticket when entering. The ticket will have your port number and how to get there inscribed on it. I personally get to mine via an elevator. When entering your port, will be greeted with a personal waiting room -- one you can only access on your own unless you open it to other people. Just like with everything in this wr, you can change everything with intention and/or visualization.

The ports are usually two floors, these floors have secret hidden doors on the walls to your waiting room. On either side of the door, there will be a script to that dr that you have made -- either physically in a reality you came from or from your intention/imagination. On top of the doors, the place you will be shifting too will be written.

For example, if I am shifting to Alice in Wonderland, my script will be on the right (which you can grab and hold or just scroll through) and Alice in Wonderland will be written on top. The door will open when I step close, and I will be shown the exact moment I am shifting to.

In your DR port, anything is possible. You can manifest, enter the void, script, change the port appearance, whatever you want! Lumas and Chaos will also be at your service here :)

And, that's pretty much all I have for these wrs! I guess another thing I would say is you can shift to group drs/wrs from here but that is kinda self explanatory if you ask me.

I hope you all like this, and I am really excited to meet you guys there!!

Love and excitement

the abyss

(if u saw this already no u didn’t. tumblr was being weird LMFAO)

[versethetic]

NOT PERFECT. JUST LOYAL.

i like to keep things real here so i tend to share my slight struggles with loa so that others who’ve gone through the same thing don’t beat themselves up over it.

but i’ve actually only fully understood what it means to live in imagination for a little while now;, and then put it to good use just a couple weeks ago.

despite knowing about the law for over a year…💀

OVER. A. YEAR…💀💀💀

even then, i got so caught up in making the images in my head perfect, or making sure i’m “saying the right affirmations" which obviously didn't help my case

i love reading loa posts because they make me feel nice and inspired and just remind me of my power but i somehow equated that as me overconsuming info and then i would spiral within my own head.

i would barely think of my desires as mine and when i did for only a day or two, i’d then turn around and believe that i wasn’t doing enough, that i need to affirm more or visualize for an hour and walk through every step of my day in my new perfect life or else it wouldn't manifest.

loyal according to merriam webster is "unswerving in allegiance"

all the way up until a couple weeks ago, i was not loyal to the idea that my imagination is all i need. i was not loyal to the idea that the 3d means absolutely nothing in terms of “getting” what you want, because there was nothing for me to get. now, i have become loyal to already having my perfect life.

i am that bitch. i am the prettiest princess. i am the smartest in school. i am the most famous. but i didn't need to have the perfect mindset with loa to realize it.

do you see where i’m going with this?

IMAGINATION IS ALL YOU NEED

granted, i had my days after this realization where i still struggled with techniques or accepting my new life as mine, but now i know that if i don’t identify with these things, it has not a single setback on my manifestations.

no matter what i was feeling, i told myself “i have it, my life is perfect, i am calm, i have it in imagination, the old senses are dead to me, i know what’s in my mind is the real truth”

when loa blogs say that you know you have it, it’s not some cheap trick they spew out because everyone else is saying it. if you imagine what you want, it’s officially set in stone. what you think comes to life.

the 3d is the afterimage, the product of a movie you directed, wrote, produced and starred in. you just need to stick with this fact through thick and thin, sleet or snow.

YOU are what the 3d answers to.

YOU are what the mirror reflects.

YOU decide how simple things are for you.

if you woke up and the old senses in front of your human eyes still show something you don’t like, are you gonna take that as a fact?

when you know and are loyal to the fact that your godly brain is showing you that devoted sp you have? that grand big mansion you live in? that whole new life you’re dwelling in?

NO. you’re not. think of you and you're 4d as BFFs who'll never separate, who tell each other everything and have those bff necklaces and go everywhere and do everything with each other. or imagine you're a ceo and your 4d is a loyal secretary who never asks questions and simply obeys whatever you tell it to do, because it trusts YOU. it works for YOU. however you wanna see it, you and your 4d are locked in 🔐🤞, okay? it is not separate from you, it does not seek guidance or information from anywhere other than YOU.

IT IS YOU.

and it took me a long time to see that.

it might be hard at first and the acceptance might not always be there. but i am making a conscious effort to at LEAST continuously tell myself that my imagination is all that matters. to at LEAST believe that what i want is already mine, and that’s the LEAST you can do as well.

your journey does not have to be perfect. your mindset does not have to be perfect. your feelings do not have to be perfect. mine definitely weren't. you just need to be loyal to your imagination.

[jesncin]

Chimera Constantine breakdown, refs & nods mega-post

Welcome to the master post of behind the scenes for the Chimera Constantine comics. In the style of the Sons of Mars ones I made, this post archives our research and process. So here we go! This will be a mix of showing references and personal anecdotes for how we cobbled this project together.

I'll be repeating some things I've mentioned across blog posts because I like having all this info in one place.

So! There's a lot of ways to go about re-interpretation and re-imagining a story, and one of my techniques is to not get overly attached to research. While it's good to be informed about a character, sometimes knowing every little thing about them can make one hesitant to innovate and try something different with them. So I'm purposely mindful about how much material I research.

But how does something like that work when the character in question has only 2-3 total appearances, one arc, and a quick revisit several years later? We play twin telephone.

For this project, Cin read the Hellblazer Golden Boy arc and vaguely retold it to Jes, who would then write a story based on assumptions and half-remembered memories of the story. Letting personal experience, influences and bias fill the blanks. We're inspired by how Naoki Urusawa wrote Pluto based on his mis-remembered memories of reading Astro Boy. Also when I was a kid I used to look at book covers and summaries and make up a story based on the limited information I was given. It's fun for me. Part of why I love obscure characters so much is that the lack of content about them lets the reader fill in the blanks about their lives and try telling new stories about them that aren't constrained by a saturated canon.

The original Golden Boy arc written by Jamie Delano (#39-40) is about John Constantine coming to the realization that he strangled his twin in the womb. After taking some 'shrooms, John...manifests into another reality, it's very surreal. There, John meets his twin from a universe where John had died, and his brother gets to live. The twin (taking on the name John Constantine, we'll call him Golden Mage to keep it simple) is John's opposite in every better way. They decide to merge their souls to restore...the universe. You kind of had to be there.

John's twin returns many issues later (#249) to wrap up a different arc, there he and the story are written by Andy Diggle.

The first panel of our full comic references the tarot cards John gets from his reading with Zed.

This panel is a direct reference to this scene where John sees his own shadow on a curtain after his reading with Zed. I like the imagery of this arc, even when the dialogue describing twins is really cringe. We changed it to a mirror to reinforce the mirror imagery throughout the comic. Speaking of which...!

Through Jes' reworking of the story, mirrors were streamlined to be the main way alternate universes were portrayed in the story. They'd be the main motif that paralleled the twins too. In issue #249 of Hellblazer, John uses the mirror to confront his twin who resides within himself after their soul-merge years ago.

The line "He's so beautiful, he frightens me." is spoken by a doctor witnessing the Golden Boy's birth in his universe. We repurposed it to be John's dialogue for when he's describing the man he sees in the mirror.

John's twin uses a sacrifice involving these candles to summon his sickly twin. Jes repurposed the use of candles to a magic salt circle that contains spirits like the Golden Boy (he's nicknamed "Goldie" in our take).

The Golden Boy! Even though he died in the womb, he's portrayed as a boy. Probably because a floating fetus wasn't what they were going for. We wanted to give him a distinct look that foreshadows how much he would grow his hair out. I like that his mouth isn't visible! We use the shape of his eyes and posing to get across how he's feeling. It gives him a vacant-toddler-stare I find really endearing.

We made some minor adjustments to the Golden Mage's design. Initially, we followed his canonical pulled back long hair. But since he was a challenging character to emote when we had one less arm to work with, we decided to part his hair so that it could carry how he's feeling. I like when I can get it to cover a part of his face for intense moments! If it was animated, it would 100% be expressive Ghibli hair.

Our main goal for Golden Mage's characterization is to make him feel like his own person. In the original arc, he's less of a sibling and more of an au of John Constantine himself. He doesn't get his own name. Despite gloating about having a better and more fulfilling love life than John, he also shared the exact same love interests John does. Being a twin is less about a family story and more a vehicle to talk about self hatred and potential here. Which isn't fair to the individuality of the characters!

(note, this is not how the panels look in the og comic, I've rearranged them so that they display on this post better)

So we characterized the Golden Mage to still have his canon charisma (albeit with the dialogue toned way down from his original appearance), but to have a thinly veiled temper under all that bravado to foil his con-man trickster brother. The Golden Mage was vaguely described as not being particularly attached to the love he receives. Golden Mage is also dismissive of his womb twin's death, saying it's something he shouldn't grieve since he never really knew him. We reinterpreted these lines as him being in denial over his brother's death, thinking himself as above his own feelings of grief.

Also as a tiny note, we kept the Golden Mage's name ambiguous to keep with the vibe of the original comic, but in my mind I headcanon his full name to be Marigold "Goldie" Constantine. The yellow flower is culturally associated with prosperity, but also grief and jealousy. It's perfect for him! So we made references to the flower in the cover and first panels of the comic. I also headcanon that as a kid he called John Constantine's ghost "Johnny".

My influences for how this whole beginning meeting scene is staged and played out is E.M Carroll's When I Arrived At The Castle. The "animated" panels of Golden Mage looking back at John and breaking through the mirror is a direct call back to the keyhole sequence in that comic! The premise of daydreaming about how your life could have been and not realizing that you're staring at an alternate universe is loosely inspired by Junji Ito's Hellstar Remina. I really like the concept of staring into the unknown and then something sentient staring back from that. "What if our day dreams are just other realities we're dreaming of" kind of deal. I don't see that sort of thing in the saturation of multiverse stories these days.

Next reference is the Dead Boy's Heart! While I like that this story's its own thing, I was surprised it wasn't linked to John's dead brother in any way. It felt thematically relevant, so we brought it over as a device to trap Goldie while the brothers merge souls.

Twins can be positioned in a bunch of ways in the womb. I think canonically, John and Golden Mage were positioned like they are in the cover for Hellblazer #39, ideal for strangling I guess! We changed it to echo the motion of yin and yang. I do think the inclusion of yin and yang is a little cringey in the original comic even though I get what it's going for (balance and all that, it's just kind of simplistic to the philosophy). But I do like it as a way to echo card imagery we established in this comic. We combined the imagery of the tarot cards featured in the Golden Boy arc and King/Queen/Joker playing cards. So it felt right to bring back that whole upside down twins in the womb thing. Special fact, this is how my twin and I were vibing in the womb.

The scene where the twins hit Ctrl + E to merge layers! It's a pretty iconic pose! I like how their heads peaked out of the panels so I brought it back for our comic too. In our version, the twins fail to merge their souls entirely. In the revisit to the Golden Boy character in the comics in issue #249, it's revealed that the merging "failed" in some way, trapping the Golden Mage within John's soul.

For John's ghost counterpart from Golden Mage's universe we took Dave McKean's portrayal of him very literally haha. I know he doesn't literally have one eye, but we thought it gave him a really distinct look for us to stylize. We decided to keep the ghost kids consistent with no mouth and vacant pupil-less stares. We gave ghost kid!John a sort of bedsheet ghost form to contrast against Goldie.

Speaking of one eye! That's another motif we decided to emphasize throughout the comic. It's not in the source material at all, but we liked it as a way to both hint at chimerism and visualize how the two brothers serve as incomplete halves of each other. Special fact! Heterochromia can show up in chimera twins. Of course in the case of identical twins like the Constantines, their chimerism isn't as detectable since they have identical sets of DNA. But! It's still fun to stylize in a supernatural way. For our take we show the glowing golden eye as the soul of the Golden Boy manifesting in his brother. I like to think that John takes advantage of how undetectable his chimerism is to have an upper hand in any soul-related deals he makes.

This stylized heterochromia is inspired by @ratblazer 's Constantine design! I made a subtle nod to it with young punk John's make up echoing the scar in her design too.

For John's dynamic with Goldie the Golden Boy, we built the conflict of the story around making him doubt his attachment to his dead brother. There's a line of dialogue in the revisited Golden Boy arc about John needing to "let go", so we repurposed it into the Golden Mage assuring him that his attachments make him weak.

Even though the Golden Boy doesn't show up nearly as much as I think he should in canon, John has been shown to be really sentimental about him. John wants to be the Golden Boy's friend because he's so beautiful John mistook him for Jesus as a kid. Canonically, the Golden Boy ghost rejects John's friendship, likely still not over the whole strangulation in the womb thing. It still breaks John's heart though, he's a sobbing mess about being owned by a dead kid.

We changed this whole dynamic! The twin murder in the womb felt very X-men Xavier vs Cassandra Nova, and it's hard to get behind babies having that much motivation before they're even born. In our version, Goldie is a vanishing twin absorbed by John, the sickly twin. Infants being accidentally strangled by umbilical cords does occur in reality. However, we changed their origin to being that of Vanishing Twin syndrome because it was more specific for the ideas we were going for.

I feel this crucial change is more in tune with the overall themes of Hellblazer. John always cheats death at a cost. People are constantly sacrificed for John's continued survival. But the Golden Boy's case would be special, because he sacrificed himself out of love before he even knew what it means to love. Unlike the other ghosts that haunt John Constantine, Goldie isn't resentful of John. I think it makes more sense for the Golden Boy to be attached to John because he's all the Golden Boy's ever known. As a chimera twin, John is like a horcrux holding his brother's soul in his body. This reaffirms survivor's guilt to be something John experiences since his birth.

Canonically, although the Golden Mage initially feels sorry for the ghost of John that haunts him, he rejects John as well. John's ghost in canon is like a nuisance that keeps bothering Golden Mage. There's an instance mentioned of Golden Mage trying to recreate his murder in the womb? It's cryptically written. But Golden Mage does keep using the phrase "banished" to describe his brother.

We took this and made it so that he performed an exorcism on himself to remove his supernatural chimera-bond to John's ghost. The Golden Boy arc is pretty unique when compared with how saturated multiverse stories are nowadays since it doesn't share the science fiction sensibilities. Grief comes up a lot in multiverse stuff, in these stories characters use parallel universes to save a loved one as they're bargaining with their loss. For our take, we wanted a character to use the alternate universes to hurt and lash out at the loved one they're grieving. I pulled influence from Everything Everywhere All At Once's concept of a self destructive character on a search for the one familial connection who could understand what they're feeling.

References! The first panel is a nod to issue #36 where John is sleeping with Marj. We changed her to Kit. The second panel is a direct callback to issue #67, an iconic visual for his break up angst era.

Trivia; this page was added at the last minute! I needed something to bridge the birthday cupcake page and the final panel of Golden Mage's breakdown, so I linked them through candles! In this weird case, I reference my own work! This is a callback to Birthdays, a short comic we made for John Constantine's canonical birthday. It sets the premise for his relationship with Goldie based on the habits and experiences of survivor twins. The pages referencing this comic are meant to re-establish that John shares meals with his twin.

I wanted this page to feel like John's lighting an incense for his dead brother, and to contrast it with the snuffed out candles from Golden Mage's flashback. The candle has a yellow and blue intertwined spiral pattern that calls back to the color of John and Golden mage's dialogue boxes and speech bubbles, along with how twisted they look when they merged. Implying that in this universe, they're together in some way. I really wish I did this intentionally but it was by complete coincidence of making the cupcake pink and balancing it out with pastel primaries. But I sure can acknowledge how cool it looks symbolically okay???

The dialogue here is a nod to John's monologue in issue #19 where John is comforting Simon Hughes. It's re-contextualized a bit to be about sharing grief together in our comic.

This is a really goofy one but- since Golden Mage is supposed to be the fully realized potential of John, we thought that he would have a successful career as a musician and singer where John didn't. I don't think Golden Mage would be a punk singer though, he probably does something he'd consider more elevated.

BUT-! In the 30th Anniversary edition of Hellblazer, Sting (the guy John's appearance is based on) wrote an introduction for the edition while roleplaying as the Golden Boy. Which is nuts. The Anniversary edition basically canonized Sting as being a Constantine variant in our universe with the soul of Golden Boy. Sting, as Golden Boy, describes himself as a musician and singer too. Absolutely bonkers for Sting to throw me a bone this late in the game since no one's touched this character in ages.

Another E.M Carroll influenced panel sequence. This is from the digital comic Out of Skin.

So that brings us to the end of the comic! We've had the ideas for this comic cooking for some time, and it's people's continued interest in our takes on these characters that gave us the chance to finally bring the story together.

I'm very fascinated by the Golden Boy story, not because it's particularly strong compared to other stories in Hellblazer's run, but because its intriguing premise is bogged down by its surreal take on typical Evil Twin tropes. og Hellblazer's strength was always in its raw humanity. John Constantine's character countered the sensational spectacle of his superhero contemporaries. He may be able to outwit a vampire but he's can't fight back against being brutalized by the police. In one of his most iconic arcs, he finds out he has cancer- not because of any supernatural shenanigans, but because he literally smokes too much. In another arc, John's long time girlfriend breaks up with him, and he lashes out by saying the cruelest things to her. When he hears that his abusive dad is murdered, John still cries about it.

I think the Golden Boy arc and the retcon that followed his brief return actively undermines what makes Hellblazer special. Suddenly John's having X-Men-level evil twin escapades in the womb. Suddenly, merging with his twin will help save the universe. Suddenly, it's not smoking that caused John to have cancer! It was actually because he merged with his twin and his twin became the cancer from inside him! Suddenly it wasn't a moment of lashing out that caused John to say all those cruel things to his ex upon their break up, that was actually the Golden Boy controlling him from within, so you see it's not really his fault! Also what followed the break up was extra devastating because of the Golden Boy, somehow.

Often I hear in fandom that when you change a character too much from their canon counterpart it's basically "just an oc" at that point, but in the case of characters who get to be re-imagined and passed through many creative teams, I think that kind of mindset is deeply limiting for transformative work. The line I draw between "just an oc" and an interpretation is if the changes involved engage with their source material in any way or if they're just superficial. Big changes and 180 flips can work because they still respond to the history of said character. It's why we see that kind of thing in canon a lot. These characters are inherently built to be passed through many hands in meaningful ways to varying degrees of success. So I hope that by showing all this process that goes behind big changes to a canon character, people better understand what can go into transformative creativity.

Our thesis for this re-imagining is to take what makes Hellblazer special and re-examine the arc that we felt undermined that. Despite the grief John has for many characters in his cast, mourning isn't brought up at all in the Golden Boy arc. It's dismissed by the characters in narration, and the Golden Mage himself isn't even recognized as a sibling by the narrative, no matter how many times John calls him "bro".

Survivor twin grief over dead womb twins especially is a real thing that's often dismissed because in the words of canon Golden Mage himself "I couldn't mourn for those I'd never known". This is not true to the experience of twins. They play with and remember each other from spending 9 months growing in a tight space together. So when one of them doesn't make it out with the other, that survivor feels a grief they can't comprehend. It can manifest in unresolved trauma, commitment issues, and survivor's guilt. All things that feel so relevant to the themes of John Constantine's character. I think that by integrating the real lived experiences of survivor twins, the Golden Boy arc could've been one the most human and personal parts of the original Hellblazer run. It's could've been a story that helped a community of people so rarely validated in their grief feel seen.

[purpurussy]

what is all of this like for post-hiatus phannies?

I've been trying to figure out how to phrase this for a minute. The most obvious comparison would be that it's like starting a TV show 10 seasons in, but that doesn't come remotely close to the amount of required reading necessary to understand even 5% of the references. This has not been a problem for me, as I love nothing more than a good all-consuming hyperfixation rabbit hole, but something I'm realizing is that you really just had to be there to fully Understand.

I got into d&p properly in December of 2023, when gamingmas appealed to my emotionally curious nature and then gave me some kind of irreversible brain damage which I'm still trying to process. Since then I've been consuming their back catalogue as though it's laced with cocaine, and obsessively lurking on phannie tumblr until I finally made this blog a few weeks ago.

-

I actually watched Dan's videos for a little while back in roughly 2013/2014, but something about his content back then just wasn't working for me like it does now (I have such a clear memory of watching Reasons Why Dan’s A Fail and thinking "aw man why does this cute little twink hate himself so much 😔" and then going back to watching Jenna Marbles lmao. Funnily enough it did make me change my negative self-talk a little bit). I was very much a brief casual viewer who went off them pretty much after watching a few videos, and after that I was sort of vaguely aware of them as the cultural icons of the 2010s that they were, but I wasn't keeping up with them at all. 

I don't even remember BIG coming out, which is insane because I've always been extremely chronically online and it definitely broke containment as a cultural moment (although I think I was trying to minimize my social media use at that point in my life, so maybe that's why it went over my head). I feel like I must have heard something about it at the time, though, because I knew they were gay when I started watching them last year. What's really strange is that a lot of this stuff is kinda timeless to me. I don't remember it happening 5, 10 or 15 years ago - I just witnessed it very recently. For a lot of you guys, BIG happened 5 years ago, but I just watched it for the first time a few months ago. At the same time, in my mind they've just always been gay, since I wasn't in the trenches of the unhinged online culture surrounding them in the early/mid 2010s. It's so confusing to balance my weird temporal perception of these events with the impressions that I get from you guys. Oftentimes I have to judge roughly when something would have happened based on their appearances - it's not actually a *memory* for me, like it is for you. I absolutely love the dynamic and branding they have now, and the deep dives into their past are more of a curious exploration of how they got here, rather than actually nostalgic (or, I suppose, mildly traumatic) for me. It’s still very interesting and compelling to me, but because I love the current iteration of Dan and Phil, not because I’m emotionally invested in who they used to be. 

Sometimes I’ll be aware that an event happened, but I won’t realize how monumental it was until I see people talking about it (I hate to say it but I genuinely don't fully understand why the BONCAs thing was so earth-shattering, but like I said, I've always lived in a post-BIG universe, and I think you just had to be there). There are also plenty of references to stuff that's just been lost to time, which I have to piece together with context clues, as well as the more unhinged demonic stuff that I just don't have any interest in exploring whatsoever (I think I might have watched the v-day video if I'd been there when it leaked and I was a stupid teenager, but at this point, I don't even feel any kind of morbid curiosity for it. I just feel really bad for them that it got leaked. Plus, unfortunately, I think I've learned all I need to know about it through internet osmosis here). I feel like a lot of these events have a real emotional meaning for you guys, when to me, they're just interesting/funny/insane anecdotes which give some context to everything. Some of the shit that you guys lived through back then is absolutely wild, and I love and appreciate all of you for meticulously archiving and documenting everything and for being so willing to answer the same questions over and over again! Otherwise I feel like I wouldn't be able to really be part of this community, and posting my silly little memes on this blog is so fucking fun. So thank you all for that.

It seems like this is one of the most ride-or-die fanbases I've ever seen. The fact that they could invent the concept of YouTubers doing world tours, successfully execute that multiple times, branch out into several other ventures, come out as gay not fully knowing how that would affect their careers, disappear for several years and then come back knowing that there would be a solid audience waiting for them even after their virality had died down, drop merch every 3 seconds - I don't know who else can really get away with that, for almost 15 years, in the extremely "live fast die young" culture of internet fame. And I think it's in no small part because you all have chronic "unconditionally supporting dan and phil" disease. (While we’re on the topic, I feel very lucky to have missed the hiatus era. There's kind of a compression in the timeline for me between the gaming channel going dark and Dan starting his WAD tour, where it's like that time just doesn't exist in the Dan and Phil cinematic universe for me. It took me a while to realize how insane it must have been when they came back in full force, I can't even imagine how that must have felt.)

Of course, there's a caveat in that I'm saying this only really knowing about the tip of the demon iceberg. I’m aware of people engaging in behaviours such as doxxing them, outing them and stalking their families, which is horrifying in and of itself, but I don’t know how long it went on for or how many people were involved. I think people are generally pretty well-behaved at this point, and most of the drama seems to be between different schools of thought within the fanbase itself. I assume a big part of the reason for that is people's varying degrees of involvement in (and remaining notion of guilt for) the boundary-crossing behaviour from the old days. Living with the spectre of this insanity is kind of strange - it makes me feel nervous sometimes that I’m gonna accidentally say something that hits a nerve, or cross a line I didn’t know existed, because there’s all this history that I don’t fully understand, beyond just the normal unwritten rules for interacting with fan spaces online. 

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The topic that got me writing this in the first place was the orange heart incident, and everyone’s subsequent meltdown. For me, the excitement in them soft/hard/semi launching is more about me just getting excited about any open, proud expression of queer joy - it heals something inside me every time I hear a man referring to his husband or a woman referring to her wife (excuse the gendered terms, ykwim. gay shit). It's just that sentiment, combined with the fact that I'm parasocially invested in them: I'd love to see that energy from my fave little guys who live inside my computer. I am basically rooting for them to become more comfortable with just talking about gay stuff more openly and candidly, and I guess that would require a bit of a hard launch, although I can understand that they don't want to potentially open the door to excessive questioning regarding their relationship. I feel like it ✨hits different✨ for people who watched them for years before they came out. Like, you guys are rooting for people who you watched in real time struggling with their identities and internalized homophobia for years and years, while to me, they’re just some guys who I’m a fan of. Sometimes I get caught up in the emotional frenzy of their hard-launch breadcrumbs even though I don’t feel quite as insane about it as you guys (I said in some tags a few days ago that it’s like the base instinct to turn around and start running if you see a crowd of people running towards you and screaming in terror, even if you have no idea what’s going on). Anyway, I would love to see them being more gooey with each other, and I am gobbling up the breadcrumbs they're feeding us atm, because I love seeing gay people expressing gay love with no shame 🧡 

I think my perception of them as a couple, or of their sexualities independently, is just kind of an extension of everything Dan said in BIG. I really have no doubt that they're a couple, and I don't feel any kind of weird Catholic guilt in saying that, since I neither witnessed nor participated in the insanity back then. I interpreted (I'm paraphrasing) "obviously we were more than friends, but it was more than just romantic, we're like, actual soulmates" followed by "as for the situation now? we're private people and we'd like to keep that part of our lives private" as him essentially saying that obviously they're a couple, but that their relationship is not part of the Dan And Phil™ Brand. The brand is 2 guys who have great chemistry doing comedy together (5 feet apart even though clearly they are gay and in love). And I think that's a completely healthy decision to make, even irrespective of their history. I think a hard launch would be subtle, and it wouldn’t realistically change the nature of their content that much. 

With that being said, to me, it seems slightly wild for people to adamantly insist they're not a couple, or that it’s “invasive” to assume that they are one (not that that really applies to anyone here, but elsewhere on the internet). If they were a straight man and a straight woman, and there wasn't a huge chunk of people on the internet struggling with this oddly conditioned aversion to seeing them as a couple, then nobody on earth would be insisting that it's weird to assume they're together. Dan confirmed that they became romantically involved around the time they met, and building a forever home with your ex is crazy, that's all there is to it.

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This is kind of a messy stream of thoughts (it ended up sort of becoming 2 essays for the price of 1) and I don't really know where I was going with it. In conclusion I think that day 1 phannies are braver than any US marine and you have all suffered more than Jesus on the cross, and I'm extremely thankful that I get to reap the rewards of your labour now without having lived through the dark ages myself. I also think some of you are holding onto a bit of unnecessary guilt for dumb shit you said on the internet when you were a kid. And Dan and Phil are gay and I love them and I reeeeaaaallllyyy want them to do a podcast so bad because this is all conjecture and I would parasocially love to hear their actual thoughts on it

[mizz-sea-nymph]

Attention: if you are not @hebemina then I advise you don’t respond to this cause just by that you’ll embarrass yourself by proving my points and being literal proof.

Id like to say that me and her where friends but during the time we where friends she had her weird moments and her alright moments especially when we first met, it wasn’t her acting like the adult it was me, funnily enough I started referring to her as a sister cause that’s what I do when I worry about how a person views me, it was clear I was uncomfortable and got my friend who remember the first encounter and how I reacted to this ask a while back, hell I even asked them how to respond to the ask cause I was in such a panic. When looking at it, I’m genuinely disgusted how she didn’t even apologise or better herself, everyone keeps saying she’s better but she isn’t and it’s really sad how harmful it is especially to the people she spoke with that she made uncomfortable.

(She was drunk and I was mortified and didn’t even know how to respond so I danced around it I’ll admit that but thing is she didn’t even apologize)

Now it’s hard to show this from the past cause of personal stuff but since some people already know about it I guess I just gotta grow some balls. I’m showing this from the past cause I came across it a while ago and got disgusted, I was a child and I was mortified so much so I asked my friends how to respond to it and was so ashamed and embarssed I thought I deleted this but luckily didn’t cause one can realize how horrid this is. What’s funny is a DECENT AND SENSITIVE AND CARING PERSON would apologise! You never apologized Mina! and this wasn’t the first time you got weird with me! Seriously! Atleast have the decency to say sorry! But not just this you’ve many times turned our platonic and happy convos to something straight up weird, I ended up deleting many on my blog cause of unlike you I feel embarrassed!

I went through a hard year and having someone like this disturb me online was the icing on the cake but of course I was too embarssed and scared to say anything about it cause I feared I’d be yelled at, by your followers, yeah allot of you made me not even want to stand up for myself and say “what you are doing is rubbing me the wrong way” despite her knowing my age, and despite me reminding her constantly at that time I kept saying “haha I’m in high school”. So to the people reading this, dont make her seem like she Dosent know the age of her followers cause she lurks, she lurks around even accounts she has now ignored just cause said acount has a different opinion then her.

Thought I didn’t notice? I easily noticed how you and @hanaiikiki or whatever TF her name is now stopped talking to me as a whole and started ignoring my existence, even when I was geniunely trying to be nice etc, you stopped when I voiced my opinion about Loki, Hana going as far as telling people she Dosent know me (girl I got ears everywhere, when I heard this I was shocked cause I thought we where good!) despite me clearly stating as a continuation I don’t care what anyone likes and Dosent like it’s the VICTIM BLAMING, that’s wrong and also rly weird. So I don’t understand why both of you would let a fictional character come between a nice mutual friendship, especially you Hana I geniunely liked talking to you I liked talking mythology and liked sending you asks, you where really nice and kind with me and didn’t weird me out like Mina but it’s clear you have no self identity what so ever. But of course, no worries! I have no need for you! I know who my people are and aren’t and you aren’t one of em that’s for sure. As for Mina, yeesh girl yeesh that’s all I got when it comes to this, cause again no self respect self shame or friendship is magic in this case, but then again you’re no use of me either so I’ll say I’m glad you don’t speak to me anymore cause you creeped me out many times :)

just cause someone hides behind a cute kind persona dose not always mean that’s what they are on the inside dishonesty is sm. I’m honestly so dissapointed so many here defend her and say she’s changed instead of her saying she has, let her speak for herself if she’s so much so as the adult she claims to be.Let her speak cause I’m amazed how everyone walks eggshells around her cause she’s “sensitive” that is a insult to sensitive people as a whole.

I’m not going to mention who cause I want them to rest easy cause they are dear to me and what they experienced today breaks my heart they’re so sweet and didn’t deserve any of this, but when Mina apologized to them, Mina used the excuse of “I didn’t know you where a minor” despite her MENTONING THEIR AGE! Everyone knows people that know what they’re doing use that excuse, they lie, they will always go with this excuse, don’t get offended and stop reading now Mina I ain’t calling you a pedo, I’m calling you a dumbass, a real big dumbass as a whole for that shit apology and excuse. A victim of harassment Dosent deserve this, and a “sorry” dose not make up for the trauma the victim suffered let alone this type of “sorry”.

(I’m covering the name cause I rly feel bad for who experienced this and believe the poor thing has experienced enough today of all days like good god I don’t even want anyone to comfort me I’m fine! Just show some support and love to this victim cause good god)

there’s a line with senstivity and irresponsibility, and if it weren’t for me sending a respectful i REPEAT a respectful I’m a respectful person that’s how my mama raised me, anon ask saying you shouldn’t interact with minors much cause they’re easy to influenced and they see what you post easily etc etc, the useless “minors do not interact” wouldn’t be there. Oh and it’s hilarious how you have it there and still interact with said minors? Sweetie? It’s not there for show! Lotus? Heldril? Goddamm new comers? Children copy and children get affected! And you’ve clearly traumatized and affected a bunch! If you’re a so called elderly care giver you should know how to care for others that aren’t just you, make it make sense!

Oh and let’s not leave this out the cake. It’s funny how you talk about masturbating in public and how you vent in public, letting literally people who are younger than you be your therapist, or witness you sexting IN PUBLIC keep it in the dms woman! have so shame! This isn’t red lobster you embarrassing yourself! I ain’t slut shaming you cause I’m the queen of sluts, I’ve been called a slut for years and I didn’t even know about it so don’t think I’m slut shaming you. But really How wonderful really! A nurse! Who gose through the struggle of whipping elderly asses for a living! Doesn’t go to a therapist and relays on people decades younger than her! Get a damm therapist! Be ashamed! Seriously take some responsibility!

Not to mention I still remember how people expressed geniune concern for you and you milked it and said “see you on the other side” who says that! I was one of those people! I actually worried? But I woke up and realized what the fuck is this? Are you serious??? Some of these people who are worried for you are younger by years?? Some even minors?! Get a grip??! Where’s the responsibility?? It’d be better to write about your horny thoughts on a blog strictly for NSFW! I deadass told you to in the anon ask cause you need to be responsible! And dont you dare post a “im sorry 🥺” post! I know your type and I know them well! Just by that post where you explained yourself about the whole issue of you saying you want to make out with a minor, says allot. You didn’t address the issue! You just said it’s okay to hate you! You didn’t even defend yourself! Well for one Mina, I don’t hate you, I just hate the way you act,behave and your personality as a whole because that “sorry” will never cut the anxiety and horrible memory as a whole, be ashamed a bit, it’s not funny to make everything sexual and as a adult you should understand that.

What you did to those mods and roleplayers? I’m still speechless and have Vietnam flashbacks when it comes to the public sexting good god, atleast as if it’s okay to do NSFW and sent a literal pic of you bust? I know dirty I’m the QUEEN of dirty that hand on your top pulling the shirt a little lower shocked me so much my eyebrows left to Saturn and had a baby with the planet! I’ve got eyebrow planet grandkids now that’s how shocked I was. Not to mention the mod was 19 you are literally a decade older girl- tf is this lore Olympus? I know you like lore Olympus but girl lore Olympus is lowkey shit no offence. Honestly no wonder the mod stopped roleplaying and deleted the acounts cause good god girl- atleast have the decency to ask?

It’s really funny! Just a big joke really!

I for one was a friend with yo!u until I realized your true colors, I’m disappointed and consider this pathetic. I used to think you were nice and kind but I was met with dissapointment you genuinely disappointed me, hurt me and not only me but many others, don’t beat yourself about it just accept the fact that you did and just remove yourself from said minors and ACTUALLY BE RESPONSIBLE, before you hurt even more people.

As for the ones reading this,

You all know me and I’m pretty sure this is shocking seeing me a person here on tumblr call out the so called sweet Mina but honestly, people! nobodies perfect! Are you kidding me?? Get it through your skulls! She isn’t perfect and I’m not saying to hate her I’m saying to stop treating her like a child! when actual children here are being harmed! I’ve seen minors on here who deadass have been affected by her! And nobody I say nobody! don’t you dare say she didn’t know what she was doing that’s a insult to the victims and disgusting in general.

Also it’s not the ror fandom that’s changing, this has nothing to do with ror, to anyone reading this know this, it’s the Mina fandom that’s changing, not the ror fandom I’ve been in the ror community long before her and if sm was changing I’d know.

I’m deadass saying this despite me being a decade younger then Mina, I’m not saying this as a friend, not as a friend cause I don’t see you as that anymore and will never will ever again, im saying this as a person who’s going to be honest with you,

Keep it real

Enough of this self cantered,narcissistic ,immature, shameful,irresponsible and selfish behavior, you should be able to expect opinions like this, stop hiding behind your followers and say what you have in mind Mina and DONT dance around the issue, I read your “apology” post when the Heldirl issue raised to light, you didn’t even talk about the issue in hand, you just said it’s okay to hate you! Three paragraphs!! don’t dance around this, and you know what, Don’t even respond if you plan on doing that, cause that just proves the point.

Just know I don’t respect you not just cause of you being weird in the past with me but also with others specifically others I care about, so don’t come crying to me cause I geniunely don’t care I know these types of etiquettes, a sorry will never cut shit like I said so call me a cruel bitch idc ig it’s fair 🤷🏻‍♀️ just know I DONT respect you one bit,good day.

Tagging

@amphitriteswife @tinyy-tea-cup @mono-supports-palestine @praisethesuuun @riseofamoonycake @brokensenseofhumor @monstertreden @heldril @lotusmybeloved @nicasdreamer @ idk

idk who tf else to tag aaaa 💀 but yeah that’s my take on all of this respect me hate me I don’t care I rather be hated for who tf I am then who I pretend to be and who I am is a person to keeps it real 🤨

[dailydragon08]

Closing The Tomb

Pairing: Luke Skywalker x F!Jedi!Reader   Summary: The sequel to Darkness Calls. Luke deals with the consequences of almost using the dark side to save your life, leaving you in suspense of whether he'll re-implement the no attachment rule in his new Jedi Order. With the ghost of Obi-wan pushing him one way while Luke's heart is pulled another, secrets are revealed and friendships are left hanging on the edge of a knife. Warnings: Slight anti-Jedi/anti "no attachments" rhetoric, mainly against the stringent rules the prequel era Jedi had. Major angst, with Luke struggling a lot and feeling very guilty. Reader gets a brief, nondescript leg injury at some point that heals quickly (realizing I injure reader's leg a lot specifically so Luke can carry her lol), mentions of Luke having insomnia and PTSD, slow burn, mutual pining, angsty ending that will be resolved in the final part 3 of this trilogy. A/N:  Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated, and my masterlist can be found linked in the pinned post on top of my blog. This fic is also included in my AO3 (DragonHeartstring360). Stay tuned for the final part 3 and enjoy!

**

You squinted to see through the oncoming smoky haze. Stars wheeled in a circle with a thin, glass-like pathway cutting through the middle of a dark sky. It glowed faintly, casting its reflections on none other than Luke’s terrified face. He stared straight at you before glancing at the two pieces of rope he was clinging to. Obi-wan Kenobi held one end while a man who bore a striking resemblance to Luke held the other. You recognized him as Anakin in his prime, except this Anakin’s eyes kept flashing yellow. Everyone looked at you before turning to each other, and chaos ensued. Obi-wan and Anakin both bore down on their ends of the rope and pulled as hard as they could.

Luke squeezed his eyes closed and grimaced, mumbling, “wait…no…I can find balance…with both—”

“No, you can’t,” the others said in unison before pulling even harder.

“Luke, just let go!” you yelled, but to no avail as the ropes suddenly wound their way up Luke’s hands to wrap around his arms like snakes.

Obi-wan and Anakin pulled even harder, and you could see the strain on Luke’s arms from where you floated above. You tried to yell your friend’s name again only to have him stare at you with horror—the eye closest to his old mentor it’s usual blue, the one closest to his father an ominous yellow—

Your eyes flew open as you hyperventilated. You clutched your bed sheets to reassure yourself you were home on the Redeemer before looking around at the cargo hold that Luke had lovingly converted into a bedroom just for you. You remembered how excited he was to show you the imperial shuttle once he’d finished his renovations. At first, you’d thought he was just excited to show you his work and were sad at the thought that he might leave soon after. There was nothing to describe the amount of relief and joy when you realized there wasn’t just one bedroom, but two—and Luke had proudly announced this one belonged to you and you alone and he’d love for you to travel with him, so you could both learn more about the ways of the Force and the jedi from each other and hunt for ancient texts and artifacts to help restore the order.

You sat up and took in the darkness of the hold. That had felt like an eternity ago and you could feel the anxious pressure building in your chest at the thought of things never being that easy, warm, and welcoming again. Luke had been avoiding you ever since the incident aboard the imperial cruiser. Amid some jammed communications, you had almost been sucked out of the ship’s porthole into space along with your attackers and Luke had barely saved you in time – but not before nearly slipping to the dark side to aid in his rescue. You knew he was ashamed of himself and could sense his turmoil through the Force any time the two of you were in close proximity (which was unfortunately becoming less and less). He was still polite, helpful, and kind, but there was a new distance and coldness to him that felt like a knife in your chest.

You swung your feet over the bed and half-heartedly stuffed some pants and shoes on. The fact that you were sleeping in an oversized shirt of Luke’s only added to your own turmoil as you shrugged a jacket over your shoulders. Padding through the dark, empty main hold of the ship revealed Luke’s bedroom door still wide open like it had been when you’d gone to sleep and R2 nowhere to be found. You quietly made your way down the landing ramp to where the ship sat on Khofar, where the two of you were hunting for yet another Force artifact to further your studies and the resurrection of the order. Crickets chirped as the moon hung full above with a gentle breeze. You thought how much you and Luke might have even enjoyed the peace of this place if he would just forgive himself.

Voices floated through the trees, along with the telltale whistles of an astromech and you followed, careful to make your footsteps as light and quiet as possible. A winding dirt path through the trees led to a small clearing with a fallen log. Luke sat with his back to you, and you recognized the glowing blue figure of Obi-wan’s ghost. R2 was nowhere to be seen and you wondered if Luke had sent him away. The idea that he had worried you; he took R2 everywhere with him and must’ve really been in a dire state if he told him to leave.

“…cannot tell you what to do,” Obi-wan continued as you quietly wedged yourself behind a tree trunk. If either of them sensed your presence, it didn’t stop them from talking. “It will be your order, after all. But I don’t think it was wrong for the Jedi Council to impose the no attachment rule during my time exactly for reasons such as this. One mistake does not guarantee your downfall, but as Master Yoda used to say: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. A lesson your father unfortunately learned very well.”

“But there was still good in him,” Luke argued, his voice rough and strained from lack of sleep. This was the third night in a row he’d snuck off to converse with his Force ghost council—and would likely be the fourth day in a row of dark bags under his eyes. “And I managed to convince him to turn back to the good side and help defeat Palpatine because of our attachment. Isn’t that what you always thought was his destiny as the Chosen One: to destroy the Sith? How could I have convinced him to do that without our attachment? And I couldn’t even imagine where I’d be without Han or Leia…” His voice turned quiet and mournful. “Or Y/N.”

“This is your order, Luke. I cannot and will not interfere too much. There’s a possibility you could be right, and this could be a new age and era for the jedi where attachment isn’t as dangerous.”

“But without the danger of the Sith, wouldn’t that make it less dangerous? Couldn’t I make teaching about healthy attachment or connection versus unhealthy possession part of the training I give?”

A bird cawed low and long overhead and you glanced at the sky to see the first flecks of light shine through the trees. You hoped that didn’t mean Luke had been awake all night.

“Just because the Sith are less of a danger doesn’t mean the dark side is any less so,” Obi-wan continued. “You still need to be vigilant. It can still be a very slippery slope that’s difficult—near impossible—to come back from. The choice is ultimately up to you and I will respect whatever you decide. But keep in mind what you almost did because of your attachment.” He glanced quickly at your hiding spot before turning his eyes back to Luke. “More than one friend on this planet is waking, so I think it’s best you either start your day or get a few final moments of rest while you can. I will be here if you need further guidance on this matter.”

You stayed put behind your tree, but knew the resounding silence meant the ghost had faded into the morning light. Luke sighed long and hard before there were several rustling noises. When no footsteps followed, you peeked around the tree to see him sitting cross-legged in the brush with his back to you. For a moment, you admired the slope of it and how his perfectly tailored jacket clung to the toned muscle. Luke was so good at sensing you from much further away, there was no doubt in your mind he knew you were there. Was he choosing to ignore you? Or was he just really that tired that maybe he didn’t notice?

Either way, you suddenly felt very unwelcome and made your way back to the ship as quietly as you could. During your absence, R2 had also returned and was refilling Luke’s waterskin at the sink. He beeped sadly at you as you passed towards your room. You laid a comforting hand on his dome and knew he was feeling the weight of his master just as much.

With a wave of your hand, the hydraulic door closed behind you. You sat back on your bed, kicking off your shoes and flopping back to stare at the ceiling. What if Luke did decide to re-implement the no attachment rule? What would that mean for his relationship with his friends, his sister—with you? You doubted he’d send you away—at least, not at first. He’d never explicitly invited you to be part of his new Jedi Order, but he’d hinted at it several times. And why would he have made a whole bedroom in the Redeemer for you, reiterated that this was supposed to be as much your home as his several times, and still be taking you on Force-related missions with him if he was planning to give you the boot? But even if he didn’t ask you to leave, you weren’t sure how long you could handle this new cold and distant version of Luke. It was too painful—especially with your growing feelings for him, and what you had thought were his growing feelings for you. Maybe that’s why he was so afraid. He’d never really explained to you why his father fell to the dark side outside of something to do with a secret, forbidden marriage with his mother. But was that the whole story? You had a feeling not, but felt it wasn’t your place to ask either Luke or Anakin’s ghost. You’d never even spoken to any of the Force ghosts.

But if the old jedi had forbade relationships out of fear of it turning into a gateway to the dark side, weren’t they just giving into the very think they preached against: fear?

You sighed as you heard Luke’s boots thump up the boarding ramp. “Hi, R2,” he said sadly. You locked onto his Force signature in your mind, feeling his sadness, confusion, guilt, longing, turmoil, and a sense that he saw himself as unworthy to be the one to lead the jedi to a new beginning. Perhaps against better judgement, you sent a wave of comfort to him through your link and heard his boots stop on their way to his room just ahead of yours. You closed your eyes and leaned into the Force to sense every movement on the ship. His footsteps suddenly turned and halted just outside your door and you could sense him raising his hand to knock, then stop. He lowered it, then raised it, then lowered it again before running a hand through his hair and down the front of his face. He turned and quickly made his way into his room, and you could hear the muffled whoosh of the door behind him. The lack of returning comfort from him made your heart sink and you couldn’t help but wonder if it would just be best to get on a ship and go elsewhere, alone, after this mission was done to dull the pain for both of you.

~***~

Things remained just as stilted and awkward over the next few days as you and Luke stayed on-world. The jedi texts remained elusive, but the planet’s dangers didn’t. Many animals attacked you out of pure instinct to protect their home, and storms and rockslides from the nearby cliff were annoyingly common.

An animal had sunk their teeth deep into your leg at some point and Luke immediately went into protection mode, even carrying you to a secluded spot to clean and dress your wound. The return of his softness, care, and openness as he asked repeatedly if you were all right and if you could walk almost made you tear up in relief. However, once you confirmed you would be fine and could walk by yourself, it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. He still turned around to check on you many times as you continued your trek, holding out his hand to help you over any unsteady or slippery points on the ground. You relished the feeling of his warm skin against yours, eyeing your initials sewn in red on the new black leather glove you’d given him after his had been lost out the porthole. At least he hadn’t taken it off with a replacement he had lying around the Redeemer (and you knew for a fact he had some extras). That had to be a good sign—right?

Just as the two of you had put enough together to realize there was likely an abandoned temple somewhere up on the mountaintop, a torrential rain began. Luke was at your side in an instant, throwing his cloak over top of you and pulling the hood up over your head.

“This way! There’s an overhang!” he cried, R2 beeping urgently and zipping behind him.

He kept a firm hand on your back as he led you to a shallow lip in the mountainside that would perfectly shield you from the rain. It was small—so small, the two of you had to sit shoulder to shoulder while R2 tried to hide under a large leaf from a nearby plant.

The pounding of the rain almost drowned out the pounding of your heart in your ears as your and Luke’s breaths slowed. This was usually a time you wouldn’t hesitate to lean into Luke’s side or give his hand a reassuring squeeze, but you could still sense his deep anguish through the Force and decided against it.

The two of you had sat in silence before and it had always felt safe and comfortable. This time, it was the most awkward silence you’d ever experienced. You glanced at your friend out of the corner of your eye to catch his sad gaze before he quickly looked away.

“Luke, it’s okay—”

“I’m all right.” He looked anything but. The dark circles were still prevalent and he was beginning to look pale and gaunt. You hadn’t seen him eat much the past few days and he looked especially miserable in his soaked jedi blacks, his hair plastered to his forehead. You realized you were still wearing his cloak and tried to extend it so it wrapped around him as well. Where before he would’ve immediately leaned into you with a grateful smile, he kept himself stiff and stared straight ahead as if you weren’t even there.

“Luke, please, don’t torture yourself. I can guarantee you every jedi has done it at some point. It’s natural. It doesn’t make you—”

“Like my father,” he interrupted quietly, still staring off into the distance at something you couldn’t see.

“You’re nothing like him though,” you prodded gently, hoping this might get him to open up and let you back in. The distance of the last few days was about to make you crawl out of your skin.

“I am though. I have so many similarities to Anakin before his fall. I can’t become Vader—I can’t create another Vader. I—” He shook his head and turned away from you. “It wasn’t just a simple mistake. I have…to be a leader, I have to be able to set an example and protect people, I have to recreate an entire order…” He shook his head before turning to you, his face empty and distant once again. “I’m sorry. I’ll figure this out on my own.”

“But you don’t have to.”

Luke turned his gaze to his feet and was silent for a long time. “Once the rain lets up, we should make out way back to the ship. Then we can try to find a place to land on the mountain to find this temple.”

You sighed. “All right. It’s super foggy up there all the time from what I’ve seen though, so we’ll likely have to use the Force to land.”

He nodded before his silence once again felt like the closing of a tomb door.

~***~

A gentle tug on your nightshirt—well, Luke’s nightshirt—woke you from your sleep. You blinked your eyes open to see R2 by your bedside, chirping urgently with one of his retractable arms attached to the black fabric.

“R2?” you grumbled. “What’s going on?” You reached out through the Force to inspect the ship, realizing Luke’s Force signature felt much too far to be onboard. “Where’s Luke?”

R2 beeped again before letting go of your shirt and rolling towards the door. When you didn’t immediately follow, he whizzed back to your side and whistled again, this time more insistent before returning to the door.

“All right, all right, let me put some shoes on at least.”

You stuffed your feet into your boots, not even bothering to tie the laces in your haste before scurrying after R2. You followed him through the maze-like trees, doing your best to avoid the mud, but knew you’d be heard from a mile away with how soft the ground was. As you followed the astromech through the forest, familiar voices became clear and you couldn’t withhold your groan as you heard Obi-wan for what felt like the hundredth time this week. What bad advice was he giving now?

“…secret marriage with your mother,” he was saying as you neared the stumps they were both sitting on. “He seemed to fear something horrible happening to her in childbirth—or maybe even you and your sister. He seemed to think the dark side was the only way to save all three of you and allow you to live as a family.”

Finally sick of what was, frankly, Obi-wan’s bullshit, you stormed towards their spot. You were sure you looked extremely menacing in your pajamas and unlaced boots, stomping through the mud, but you didn’t care. “Maybe that’s because he was tricked!”

Luke looked back at you in surprise. The Force ghost sitting with him didn’t seem at all surprised by your presence, but you could see the sudden apprehension all over his blue glowing face.

“Y/N?” Luke said. “What are you—um—”

His eyes fell to your legs, but you didn’t give yourself a second to pause and think as you turned your attention to Obi-wan. “You know and have said yourself—because Luke told me—that no one in the order realized how dangerous Palpatine was, or at least didn’t act on their concerns at all, and just let Anakin get close to him because, by your own admission, you thought having an ‘in’ with the chancellor would be a good idea. You didn’t think for a second that maybe Palpatine was grooming him? That he was looking at the lack of comfort, safety, and being allowed to just feel your feelings like any sentient being should be able to do and played on that? You don’t think he provided everything to Anakin that the order wouldn’t specifically so it would all play right into his hands? And you still want to go around saying the ‘only’ reason he fell to the dark side was because he fell in love and had kids?”

“Unchecked emotions are not an option for a jedi—” Obi-wan began.

“I never said they were. But I’m tired of you making Luke,” you gestured to your friend, who was still staring at you in shock, “feel like he’s potentially ruined his entire future as a jedi because of one mistake he almost made—which I would like to point out he pulled himself back at the last minute and didn’t actually use the dark side—and if he ever makes it again, he’s going to become just like Vader. That’s not how that works and you know it. A jedi shouldn’t let their emotions control them, no, but to say they’re never even allowed to have them in the first place? That’s just ridiculous and you know it! If the jedi are going to hold everyone to standards of unattainable perfection, no wonder your order was so easily corrupted from the inside. Your order’s own hubris is what kept them from seeing what was happening right under their noses the whole time. No sentient being should be expected to never have ‘bad’ emotions or never make a mistake, and maybe if Anakin had felt more supported and like he had someone to turn to about his fears without getting excommunicated, he wouldn’t have turned so easily.

“Plus, we’ve met a few jedi who survived the Purge who went on to have ‘attachments’ and never fell to the dark side. I bet there were more jedi that just Anakin who had secret lovers and even children. You can’t tell me in a temple with ten thousand or more jedi that only one ever broke this rule because it’s so ridiculous and unrealistic to expect—”

Luke stood and put himself between you and Obi-wan. “Y/N, that’s enough. Please calm down. These accusations and the lecture aren’t fair to throw at Obi-wan when he’s just trying to help.”

Your eyebrows shot to your hairline. “You call this help? Ever since you started your nightly sessions with him, you’ve just felt even more guilty and confused and it’s only gotten worse. You’re not even sleeping or eating, and all over some rule that was likely hurting the order more than helping—”

“Y/N, stop—”

“No!” You gestured to the Force ghost’s crestfallen face. “Look at him! He knows I’m making sense. I overheard you the other night, and I think teaching healthy connection versus unhealthy possession to padawans is a great idea. They’ll feel supported while learning that there can be an unhealthy side to things if they’re not careful, but that having those feelings at a base level doesn’t make them evil and they can have someone to talk to about it without being villainized. You were so adamant about there still being good in Vader and bringing him back to the good side, even after everything he did. You know deep down that banning any and all relationships or ‘attachments’ or whatever you want to call them is toxic.”

Luke’s expression had become more guilty as you spoke, but now shifted to annoyed. “Whatever your opinions on this matter, you need to show Obi-wan more respect—”

“No,” Obi-wan finally said. “Stop.” He stood and took a few steps closer to you. “…She’s right. About everything.”

Neither of you bothered to hide your surprise as Obi-wan glanced at his feet before awkwardly folding his hands behind his back. “When I was a young padawan…very young, foolish and inexperienced…I was put on a mission with my master, Qui-gon Jinn, to protect a young woman from dark side agents who sought to terminate her and all the work she was doing to help her homeworld. We became close, and it was often just myself and her, since someone needed to stay behind to protect her while my master was the one to hunt down clues or chase our assailants away. We…” he sighed, looking up at the stars peeking through the tree canopy, “were naïve…and thought we were being careful…”

You sighed and shook your head. For all his blustering about “no attachments,” here he was revealing that he himself had broken the rule. You glanced at Luke as a gentle breeze blew through, rustling the branches above you. The fleeting moonlight revealed the shocked look on your friend’s face as he stared at his old mentor, and you could feel anger and slight betrayal building in his signature.

Obi-wan cleared his throat. “Anyway…I never knew during my lifetime, but once I passed to the Netherworld of the Force, I found out she had a child—our child. She never told me or the boy a thing about it and neither of them sought me out as a result. Luke, your father’s ghost could tell you more himself, but it’s likely true…his relationship with your mother was likely not the entire reason he fell to the dark side. We did allow Anakin and Palpatine to get close…and that was likely a mistake on our part. Palpatine had many years to subtly manipulate your father. The nightmares your father claims about seeing her dying in childbirth were perhaps even planted by the emperor himself. Perhaps if he’d felt he could be more candid without risking everything, things would’ve been easier.

“There’s one more thing I feel I should note while we’re all here…my son did continue the bloodline…and,” he took a deep breath, “his child—my grandchild—is…standing here with us.” He pointedly looked at you.

You stared back in open shock. You definitely hadn’t been expecting that. Luke turned to look at you, just as shocked. You couldn’t help but reach out to him for comfort, feeling the fabric of his jacket sleeve between your fingers as you gazed at a nearby tree, trying your best to process all the information.

Silence reigned for several minutes before Obi-wan interrupted with a hesitant, “Luke?”

Luke subtly slid his hand up so that his pinky finger wrapped around yours. The action nearly brought tears to your eyes, as it was the first return of physical affection you’d received in what felt like forever. “I just…” he started, then stopped, shaking his head. “You’ve been recommending that rule when you yourself couldn’t even hold to it…I feel a bit lied to, Obi-wan.”

“I’m sorry, Luke. Your friend here did give me her honest thoughts and it did give me a slightly new perspective. But you’re right, I should’ve been more forthcoming.”

“And to your own granddaughter,” Luke’s voice shook slightly on the last word as his finger tightened around yours.

“Yes…” Obi-wan turned to you. “I’m sorry. I was unsure how to reveal myself to you and didn’t want to confuse or upset either of you, so thought it would be best to keep some distance. But I see I have done that anyway and for that, I deeply apologize. But…yes, Y/N, you are a Kenobi. And Luke, I will support whatever you do or don’t decide to do with the new order. I trust your judgement and the two of you are both much wiser than I was at your ages. Whoever trains under either of you will be lucky to have you.” He sighed, turning back to his old pupil. “I sensed the turmoil in you, Luke, and just wanted to help, since I already lost your father to the dark side and didn’t want to risk losing you as well. But that is no excuse and I see I should’ve thought through my actions more beforehand. I am sorry.”

“I…I need some space to think,” Luke said before wrapping his whole hand around yours, giving you a gentle squeeze, and walking deeper into the forest. R2, who had been present and silently watching the entire conversation, began to follow him with a concerned beep. Luke placed a comforting hand on his dome. “It’s all right, R2, stay with Y/N.” You watched as the shadows of night swallowed him as he trekked deeper through the trees, leaving you and Obi-wan alone.

You sucked on your lip for a moment before turning your gaze to the man who was evidently your flesh and blood. “Well…um, hi, Grandpa.”

Obi-wan finally cracked a smile. “Hello there…I know I likely can’t say it enough, but I am sorry. Like I said, I was afraid of losing Luke to the dark side, but also afraid of watching you go through the same thing I did: the pain of losing someone you consider family and having to grieve them while they’re still alive.”

“I appreciate that…” You leaned against R2 as he whistled long and low. “But…I think the lessons from the past should be used to inform about the future—not cause fear that makes you run away from things and completely cut them off as options.”

“You truly are much wiser than I was at your age, and I am proud to call you my blood.” He paused, moving to clasp his hands in front of him so that the large flared sleeves hid them from view. “I think it might be best to give Luke some space until he feels comfortable summoning me again. If you are comfortable and feel you’re in need, however, please do not hesitate to summon me yourself if you feel the need.” He gazed at you for a moment before giving you another small smile. “I sense everything will be all right and as it should be with the two of you in time. Please, take good care of each other.” The ghost suddenly faded from view, his blue form scattering on the breeze like smoke before there was no trace of him left.

You sighed and buried your face in your hands. R2 gently bumped your leg as you groaned. “Maker, R2, that was…so much.”

The droid beeped sadly next to you.

“We should probably check on Luke, then head back to the ship.”

You followed the path your friend had taken to find yourself deep in the woods, only the scant slivers of moon through the canopy and the fireflies there to light your way. You sensed Luke’s Force signature getting closer and closer, until you heard soft voices floating over to you. Glancing between several trees, you saw Luke sitting with another Force ghost you recognized as Anakin Skywalker. They were deep in conversation and Anakin put his hand on his son’s shoulder as you heard the name Padmé float towards you several times. You quietly turned, motioning for R2 to do the same before leading him back to the Redeemer.

You barely dragged yourself up the boarding ramp before flopping down onto the couch in the main hold. The lights were dim, and you took an opportunity to let your head thunk against the back of the cushions. It was almost three in the morning and you were exhausted (but likely nothing compared to your counterpart), but determined to make sure Luke returned okay and headed to bed. You closed your eyes for a moment only to feel R2’s retractable arm poking your leg, surprised to feel metal against your bare skin.

You stared at the droid in surprise as he continued to poke your leg with questioning little beeps. You looked down and groaned as you realized. “Oh, for kriff’s sake.” No wonder you’d gotten some funny looks: before storming after Luke, you’d completely forgotten to put on pants and had lectured everyone in Luke’s shirt and your underwear. Sweet Maker.

~***~

You bit your lip as you gripped the Redeemer’s controls. “Okay, help me out a bit here, R2.”

The droid tittered nervously from where he was plugged into a socket near the pilot’s chair. You looked nervously at the thick fog that enveloped the ship. You…sort of knew how to fly? You doubted you’d be much help in a firefight the way Luke would, but you could at least get from Point A to Point B—at least when Point B wasn’t covered in mist so opaque, you couldn’t see an inch out the viewport.

“Stupid kriffing flying,” you mumbled, “and stupid kriffing mysterious Force temple aesthetic.”

Normally, you would’ve relied on Luke for this sort of thing, but after returning from his talk with Anakin’s ghost, he’d crashed so hard, he hadn’t even noticed you quietly come into his room to check on him this morning. He was still sound asleep when you’d gently pulled his blanket to cover his feet, soft snores pouring from his open mouth, his limbs every which way, and his hair in complete disarray. It was likely the first good night’s sleep he’d gotten in days and you wouldn’t rob him of that. It was now eleven in the morning and he still hadn’t emerged from his room, so you figured you’d just go ahead and get the ship settled by the temple so all he had to worry about was waking up and stepping outside. But now you realized that might not have been the best idea.

Relax, you suddenly heard Obi-wan’s voice in your mind. Breathe. Drop your shoulders. Now feel the Force.

You did as bade, leaning so your back was flat against the seat and closing your eyes. You sank into the comforting feeling of life around you, sensing all the animals on the mountaintop scattering to the trees and bushes at the sound of your engines. You sensed a line of statues on either side of you and let the ship slowly sink down to the nearby ground with a gentle thunk. You opened your eyes and sighed in relief as you felt the landing legs of the shuttle settle into safe, sturdy ground.

“What’s going on?”

You turned to see a bleary, pajama-clad Luke in the doorway rubbing one of his eyes with his fist. He hadn’t put his glove over his cybernetic, the hole exposing the wiring laid bare for you to see. The two of you had shared enough private (and sometimes embarrassing) moments that you were one of the few people he didn’t bother to hide it from.

“We’re at the temple.”

He frowned and you tried not to chuckle at how adorably confused he looked with his nightshirt, shorts, and bedhead. “You landed the ship in the fog?”

You half-jokingly pursed your lips at him. “Thanks.”

“No, I just meant—I didn’t—I mean, you’re definitely capable—”

You stood and gave Luke’s shoulder a gentle pat. “Why don’t you go get some breakfast so you can function while we’re in there?”

He nodded before turning and stumbling over to the small kitchenette he’d installed, giving R2 a friendly pat on the way and making tea for both of you like he always did. The past few days, you’d found your drink waiting on the counter with Luke nowhere in sight and couldn’t describe the relief that flooded through you when he did his usual routine of bringing it to where you sat at the table with a small smile and shoulder squeeze. You could still sense some confusion and worry in him and he was quieter than usual—but at least the little signs of affection were slowly starting to come back and he wasn’t avoiding you like the plague.

Once you were both ready (and more coherent), the two of you headed down the landing ramp with lightsabers ready at your hips and an astromech fast on your heels. Although neither of you had found a full-fledged temple in your travels, plenty of places that held Force artifacts also seemed to hold a large amount of ghosts, dangers, visions, and boobytraps. The mist was suddenly much easier to see through now that you had your feet on the ground, which could only be a result of the Force itself.

You followed an overgrown, cracked cobblestone path lined with statues that had been worn away by the weather. You could just make out shapes of what seemed to be different jedi of all races: some were so eroded, you couldn’t even tell what race they were anymore while others were missing limbs, heads, entire upper torsos, and the like. You glanced back at the ship to see you’d landed it perfectly in the middle of the path and couldn’t help feeling proud of yourself. You turned to see Luke glancing at you and chuckled as he sensed your thoughts through the Force.

“Don’t get too cocky now,” he said.

“I mean, I did a pretty good job.”

He gave you another soft laugh. “That you did.”

At the end of the path were some unstable concrete steps leading up into a dark, black pit of a doorway. Half of it’s old fashioned double doors hung crooked on its hinges while the other half lay flat on the floor. You could see the roof had holes in many places while some rooms had crumbling half walls with nothing to shield it from the outside, making you wonder whether the elements had wrecked this place or a battle had.

Luke held out a hand to help you up the steep, crumbling steps, keeping a tight grip on you until you stood at the mouth of the void. The two of you took a deep breath in unison before descending.

~***~

The relief flooding through you as Home One came into view was indescribable, and you could tell Luke felt the same way from the pilot seat next to you. You glanced at him as he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, letting R2 take over. After several hours, you and Luke had managed to find the ancient jedi texts you were looking for inside the temple. Ironically, they had mentioned the no attachment rule themselves, but with a twist—categorizing them as a specific form of unhealthy possession instead of the encouraged healthy connection, just as Luke had described to Obi-wan. It seemed “no attachment” equating all potential relationships was added later. When you’d pointed this out to Luke as the two of you sat hunched over the old parchment, he’d merely nodded before moving on. But you could feel the conflict deep in him, as well as a bone-deep exhaustion that seemed it would take more than just a day or two off to undo.

Just as the Redeemer neared Home One’s hangar, Luke took the controls back over and expertly landed the ship in the bay. He kept his hands on the controls for a few moments and gazed out at the hustle and bustle in front of him, completely lost in thought.

After a few more minutes of this, you gently touched his arm. “Um…Luke? Are you all right?”

He startled before nodding. “Yes, sorry.” He unbuckled himself before standing with you and gesturing for you to go ahead of him. He hung back a few steps as you descended the boarding ramp and you felt your stomach twist as you sensed not all was right with him. Once your feet had hit the floor of the hangar, you turned to see your friend and his droid had stopped several steps up.

“Are you coming?” you asked, fearing the answer.

He hesitated, glancing behind you for a moment as Leia strode over to you from the other side of the bay. “I…think I need a few days to myself to work through everything. This was a lot to process, and I sense some important decisions about the new jedi order need to be made before moving forward.”

You sighed and let your shoulders sink, avoiding his gaze. You had hoped after everything that happened on Khofar, things would go back to the way they were before. Now, they were apparently in jeopardy all over again.

Sensing your turmoil, Luke descended the final few steps of the ramp to stand in front of you, putting gentle hands on your upper arms. “I will come back, I promise. I won’t just abandon you. I just want some time and space to myself to think and not be distracted by all the hustle and bustle of people through the Force.”

You fought the telltale burning of tears in your eyes. “But you’ve always taken me with you when you needed that before.”

“I know.” His own eyes reflected your sadness right back at you. “But you haven’t done anything wrong, and I promise this isn’t goodbye. I just need two or three days, then I’ll be right back. You have my word.”

“Luke!” Leia called with a smile as she got closer.

Luke raised his hand to wave before turning back to you. His eyes turned sad again as he gently wiped a tear away from your cheek you hadn’t realized escaped. “I’ll come back for you, I promise.” He hesitated, staring into your eyes for a moment with lips stretched thin, before taking your face between his hands and leaving a soft, lingering kiss on your forehead.

You tried not to cry even more as Leia finally caught up with you, wrapping her brother in a tight hug before looking at him in surprise. “You’re leaving again?” She glanced at you where you stood rigidly gripping your bag’s shoulder strap amidst the usual chaos of the hangar. “And Y/N isn’t going with you?”

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Luke said, trying to morph his face into something reassuring, but you could sense his own anxiety pouring through your connection. “Just two to three days.”

Leia glanced at you again before turning an almost scolding look on Luke, crossing her arms over her chest. “Jedi business?”

“Yes,” Luke said, quickly turning to go. You knew from past experience he was rushing to leave before Leia’s commanding tone made his resolve crumble. “I’ll have my comm on if there’s an emergency.”

And just like that, he and R2 disappeared into the ship. As the boarding ramp slowly closed, you had half a mind to jump in anyway and insist he take you with—but that wouldn’t have helped anything. And to be honest, after the experience of the last three days, you were much too exhausted to fight anymore.

You and Leia took several steps back as the Redeemer slowly rose up, turned, then sped out the hangar’s opening towards the darkness. You bit your lip to avoid a show of emotion in front of the princess—you’d never had to watch the ship you had come to know as home leave without you and it was jarring sight. Would your room ever feel the same again? Or would Luke decide he would honor the no attachment rule anyway, and your relationship would turn into something permanently cold, distant, and formal? Just two jedi who work together instead of two good friends. It didn’t help that he hadn’t given you any indication which way he was leaning.

“Okay,” Leia turned to you, arms still crossed over her chest and her brow stern. “Now what’s really going on?”

You finally met her eyes, unable to hold back the tears anymore as you continued to suck on your lip.

Leia’s fiery resolve crumbled and she immediately wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “Hey, what’s going on?” Some annoyance reentered her gaze. “What did my brother do?”

“Um,” you warbled, wiping some tears away with your sleeve as they fell down your face, “it’s a long story.”

Leia gently rubbed your back. “Well, it’s time for dinner.” She started gently leading you towards the back doors. “Why don’t we both order some food to my quarters and you can tell me all about it? See if I can help?”

You merely nodded, desperate for comfort as you leaned into Leia’s embrace. Once at her quarters sat in front of a healthy smattering of food, you tearfully told her everything. When you got to the part about Obi-wan’s bad advice, she groaned with a sweet Maker, staring at you in shock when you revealed he’d told you that you were also a Kenobi. She sighed and face palmed again at some of her brother’s actions and ended the story with a look on her face that was so annoyed, you knew that look alone would’ve shut the entire problem building over the last several days down in seconds. She tried to reassure you that Luke didn’t have it in him to leave you as the two of you ate, but you could sense her own frustration and worry through the Force.

After eating, you used her attached refresher to wash up, cry for a few minutes in private, and splash some water on your face so you weren’t a spectacle walking back to your own quarters—which hadn’t been used in months with how often you’d been out and about with Luke on the Redeemer. You realized you’d come to think of that set of quarters as your room much more than the one here on Home One and the thought almost made you cry again. You sniffled before sighing and doing your best to keep it together long enough to say goodbye to Leia and walk towards your own bed.

As you reentered the main area of the princess’s apartments, you found them empty, but could hear her voice floating from a side room. You quietly made your way forward to see her in a small den, sitting agitated, straight backed on the edge of a chair with a comm close to her mouth. You couldn’t make out the words, but heard Luke’s voice float through the comm back to her and it felt like your heart twisted and dropped into your stomach at the sound.

“Luke, you know I love you and I understand the immense pressure you’re under,” Leia replied, her voice quiet but still filled with a firm sharpness that brooked no room for argument, “but you need to get it together—”

You quickly escorted yourself out, your speed walking just a step down from running towards your room as you kept your head trained on your feet. The burning in your eyes was building again and you felt your chest constrict the closer you got to the familiar, but lately unused bedroom door, and couldn’t help reliving that feeling of a tomb door booming closed between you and Luke, sealing your fates.

~~~~

Taglist (please let me know via comment or DM if you'd like to be added): @kaleidoscope1967eyes @masterlukessaber @coffeeorsomething-irl @lxstfathier @rogue-kenobi @sonofthedunes @pomplalamoose @lex-the-flex @myevilmouse @ilovemarkhamill @goddessesofeverything @acupnoodle

[twisted-wonderland-shenanigans]

Hi! I just have to say, I love your blog so much!!! And the monster au idea is genius! I started reading what you posted out and loved it! I saw people doing questions on it so here's my own, what would happen if Yuu broke a bone in some kind of accident? Wether it was indirectly their friends fault because they were fooling around or something else entirely and they just "weren't there to prevent it" (I can imagine the researchers would be quite In a frantic panic if they see the only human in their world getting hurt) how would the others react?

Oh goodness, that would cause quite the stir at NRC for sure! I’ve never broken a bone before, but there was one time I got punched in the face by a tree branch that got caught on the bag of the tall person I was hiking behind a few years ago. My nose was okay, but I still experience phantom pain whenever I think about that day! 😂

As a human in a world full of monsters, it’s not hard to imagine that the physical differences are more than cosmetic. Some monsters are more fragile than others, while some are so sturdy that they’re like a moose getting hit by a car—meaning that it’ll take a lot to hurt them. It’s also possible for them to heal quickly if they do get injured, though I like to imagine that they do get assistance when they need it!

Prosthetic arms, legs, tails, or wings? Yes!

Wheelchairs even for those with more than two legs? Yes! (Was I thinking of those videos of paralyzed puppies and kittens in makeshift wheelchairs scootering around? Yes. Yes I was)

Crutches and those scooter things you see where the person has their leg propped up and they’re moving around like they’re on a kid’s scooter (I think they’re called “knee scooters”?)? Absolutely!

All this is to say that—while not as fragile as a human—monsters know how to set and heal broken bones!

Dealing with the fact that their human friend has a broken bone, however, is a whole different kettle of fish depending on the type of fracture.

WARNING: Mention of bodily injury and blood. No major details, but proceed with caution! Under a read more just in case, but please let me know if I need to add any other tags so I can also tag things properly in the future!

Hairline fracture on their foot caused by hooves stepping on them? It’s manageable, though it may take a day or two for Yuu to notice they have an injury unless it’s run day at PE. Once it’s wrapped up in a cast to heal on its own, Yuu notices how any student with hooves (especially Deuce) will be more cautious about how close they stand to them or where their legs are when around the small human.

Dislocated arm from a friendly wrestling match and/or someone fell on top of their arm? Horrified screams all around upon seeing Yuu’s arm hanging limp by their side and their face contorted in pain. Once it’s popped back into place by the medical staff and put into a sling to speed up the recovery, it’s somewhat amusing seeing how their friends look like kicked puppies as they try and help Yuu with things around the dorm or in class. “It’s our fault you got hurt in the first place” is what they’d say if Yuu asked them why they were fussing. It’s sweet, but it’s up to Yuu to tell them to ease up and that they will ask for help when they need it.

Broken arm or leg? I can see this going one of two ways for both cases. If the arm or leg has a closed fracture where they can see part of the bone under the skin but the skin itself hasn’t broken? You can bet that there’s going to be a lot of concern about it. Depending on what the x-rays show, the boys and staff will be even more concerned if the incident resulted in Yuu needing surgery to repair the damage. A compound fracture though? Well…

Let’s just say that the moment the monsters smell the blood, they’ll immediately realize that something was wrong before they even see the bone jutting out from the large wound. This is a worst-case-scenario that—despite their best efforts—the medical teams may not feel they’ve prepared enough for as they search for blood that can safely be used to replenish what Yuu lost during the accident and in the surgery to try and repair the damage…or amputate to save their life.

It’s a highly stressful time for all, to the point many of Yuu’s friends can’t even focus on their work—not that the staff can blame them. They’re just as worried that Yuu might lose their life or limb...

When Yuu does manage to pull through sporting a new cast (if a little worse for wear), Yuu had better be prepared to have quite a few clingy monsters sticking to them like velcro! And gifts. Lots and lots of gifts!

I’d like to take a moment to point out that humans can be hurt by the most ridiculous things and yet in life-or-death situations. They’re able to crawl through snow with a broken leg for several miles, yet the moment they stub their toe on a coffee table leg? Down for the count.

Table: 1, Human: 0. U.U

So can you imagine just how horrified the guys would be to hear that Yuu/one of their relatives/a friend of theirs once broke their leg and crawled to safety in a major weather storm, yet just two minutes later they stub their toe and now they’re on the ground whimpering in pain. X’DDD

Also, to further prove that animals (and therefore the monsters) can have compassion for those who are disabled, just remember that there is a crow couple that’s been together for 12+ years and even though she has a broken beak, he and the rest of their flock protect her. ;;v;;

[wonyoluv]

𝐖𝐋𝐖 & 𝐆𝐆 𝐅𝐢𝐜 𝐑𝐞𝐜𝐬 !! (๑>ᴗ<๑)

✧ some of my all time favorite fics & their amazing authors!! please show everybody lots of love ^^ [header creds. to @minvcrs] ✧ i'll keep updating this as i find more fics !! pls feel free to send in suggestions as well <3

✧ SMAUS ✧

BRUTAL - @mosinterlude [hanni x reader smau]

↳ this was such a fun concept for a smau & this author also has a rlly great niki smau if ur a fan of enhypen <3 looking forward to more of their works ^^

HALLWAY CRUSH - @xuqijie [haerin x reader smau]

↳ kinda reminds me of 2521 & it's just a rlly cute concept

HOW YOU GET THE GIRL - @jungwonize [rei x reader smau]

↳ this smau hasn't come out yet but im so hyped ^^ this author has rlly creative plots so definitely another blog to check out ;)

RUN2U - @yaeluvz [wonyoung x reader smau}

↳ i had the time of my life reading this smau bc it was just so funny & perfectly cute <3 loved wonyoung's portrayal bc it was just so endearing

FANWARS - @rosiehrs [yunjin x reader smau]

↳ i still haven't gotten the chance to read this smau but i can't wait to! the summary itself sounds so entertaining

FAULT LINES - @ctrlemis [wonyoung/jungwon x reader smau]

↳ jungwon and wonyoung are two of my ults so this smau was literally everything i had ever dreamed of

PLEASE! - @mingkuri [hanni x reader smau]

↳ not completely up to date with this smau but its so so funny <3 like i actually need to catch up rn bc it's amazing, not to mention it's abt the loml hanni pham <3_<3

THE ONLY EXCEPTION - @izfims [yujin x reader smau]

↳ just found this while i was going through my saved fics & it looks so cute so i need to go check it out like rn !! i'm definitely checking it out b4 i go to sleep tdy

✧ WRITTEN ✧

LOVER GIRL - @silantryoo [haerin x reader fluff]

↳ quite literally the cutest thing i've ever read ... i wish i could reread it but the author accidentally deleted their acc T_T if u haven't read it, take my word for it bc it was absolutely adorable 🫶 update: it’s been reposted!! so happy i could literally cry rn 🙈

CAN'T YOU SEE ME - @forhereyesonlyyy [yujin x reader fluff]

↳ it's honestly such a struggle to find authors for ive, but im so glad that i found this acc bc they write so well <3 definitely recommend checking it out :)

2, 4, 6, 8, WHO DO I APPRECIATE? - @chenle [yuna x reader fluff]

↳ an all time favorite of mine ^^ if i could only recommend one work in this post, this would be the one ... it literally came out 4 yrs ago & i still go back to read it <33 it's a cheerleader au & absolutely adorable,, also made me realize just how gay i am lol

CHICKEN SANDWICH - @kimsohn [winter x reader drabble]

↳ this is probably one of my fave drabbles from this acc bc it has fake dating which is one of my fave tropes but literally anything they write is amazing <3 this acc has sm diversity & writes for ggs like loona, aespa, ive & itzy !!

OCEAN VIEW - @seungiepup [gaeul x reader fluff]

↳ probably one of the only gaeul works i've seen on here but im so happy that i found it :) it's a perfect fluffy slice of life drabble

STUCO GF HCs - @iichaeyj [karina x reader fluff]

↳ this acc posts such great hcs & blurbs like i love reading them all sm. they havent posted much gg content, but i'd def recommend checking out all their works if you like txt or enhypen.

6:03 PM - @gfksn [ryujin x reader fluff]

↳ the cutest timestamp <33 like i just love ryujin sm & i feel like this captures her essence rlly well .. idk if that makes sense but plz check it out bc it's cute :)

DRESS ME UP - @hoonsmarsbar [gaeul x reader]

↳ this hasn't come out yet but i can't wait <3 the header is so so pretty & the summary has me so intrigued :) bc i just adore gaeul

KISS, KISS, I WANNA KISS. - @tbzloonar [hyejoo x reader fluff]

↳ you can likely alr tell just how cute this is from the title alone but im gonna say it again bc its adorable <3

LOST SUNSHINE - @haerinz [wonyoung x reader angst]

↳ this hanahaki au was one of the first gg fics i found on here && it's a true heartbreaker <3 would definitely recommend to anyone craving angst :D

SWEET WORDS - @itgetsquiet [ryujin x reader fluff]

↳ only recently discovered this fic && i still haven't finished it, but i started it and from what i've read so far, ik im gonna enjoy it :)

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

okay so a couple of days ago i saw this ask on @fellshish's blog about a need for a full 1941 discorporated aziraphale angst fic, realized i had an entire outline already in the hull, and... this happened:

a "what if crowley didn't miss in 1941" fic, including but not exclusive to the moment itself, the hours leading up to it, and the aftermath; a fanfiction (chapter 3/4)

summary:

It's Fell the Marvelous' awaited debut performance on the West End. He has his marksman, his turnips, and things appear to be going as planned—that is, until said marksman does the one thing he was supposed to avoid. Not missing. (or: the bullet catch goes wrong, and due to a tiny technicality, crowley's afraid aziraphale is gone for good. and crowley himself—for the first time in quite a while—is well and truly alone.)

warnings: full of blood, sweat, kissing while crying, blown up heads, prayers, nostalgic churches, polaroids, alcohol, and aziraphale being a discorporated bastard and bitching his way back to earth while a plot we should probably be focusing occurs as we ignore it entirely. and written extremely slowly. oxymoron but i couldnt get this out of my head fast enough and now you must endure it (should you choose to accept). i think i'm gonna be pretty proud of this though. excited!

(also thank @tforthetea for the inspiration because a conversation with them helped spark this the first time. all hail)

ao3 link for those who didn't check the title, and fic under the cut! :)

chapter 1: number thirteen

One of the things Crowley liked gloating about on occasion was that he was older than Death Itself.

He wasn’t technically wrong, per se. The humans think him mad, and the demons think him stupid, but he was still right. Human concepts, despite their hold on the population and overall importance, were non-existent before or even during the Beginning. The Four Horsemen and other ideas evolved right alongside the humans, so technically, Crowley was older than all of them. He rather liked having something to lord over War (in his head), during the few unfortunate meetings he would have with her. Famine was a non-issue, and Death could not touch him regardless of how much he didn’t like him. There were failsafes.

Now, however, actually being in the room that Aziraphale could potentially walk into and never come out of, Crowley would gladly take all of it back and pretend he never even thought about it at all.

The damned magician. Crowley never caught his name, but if he had, he would wrought him with the most annoyingly small curses that no one would ever believe to be true after today. Tonight wasn’t just about impressing the audience or even repaying that wine-filled debt, it was about them. Tonight, Crowley was to play the trusted stooge, and…shoot the angel. Point blank. In the face. And make it look real. And not discorporate him. And not get them fired. And—

There were a lot of things to consider, alright? To contrary belief, Crowley did, in fact, not think Death was silly or stupid. He’d also been there when It was born, you know. Crowley liked Abel. Watching It happen was, plainly, fucking terrifying. It brought up something new, and change was just as scary as Death. Ask anyone, and they’d tell you.

Crowley has been running that unfortunate meeting involuntarily through his head for the first ten or so minutes of waiting for the actual show to begin, while also listing out the terrible things he would do to the magician man had he ever held the opportunity again. He’d been sort of gunning (no pun intended) to stay backstage and avoid the riffraff, but been ushered out the dressing room the second he’d given his (admittingly harsh) two cents on the situation. Aziraphale said he wanted privacy before the big show, but Crowley knew he was just ticked. Aziraphale was an angel who thrived with a supportive devil over his shoulder.

So, Crowley is just milling around in the crowd as the Allied soldiers and their companions filter in. They come and go—a Lady even comes to check on him at point, mentioning odd vacant gazes and looking over shoulders paranoid-like, but he waves them off before they can pry. He really shouldn’t be so worried—even if Aziraphale…‘didn’t make it through the night’, he’d eventually be fine. As long as he discorporated a certain way, nothing too lethal—some deaths were harder to come back from others.

They’ve been discorporated before, of course. That was how Crowley knew this. Six millennia offered many opportunities for the event. But never, and it was never, at each other's hand. On paper, yeah, they killed each other on occasion, but truly…

Crowley shifts nervously, sending a glare at anyone who got a bit too close, but the brief discomforts aren’t enough to lift his spirits. There was one entity faffing about who refused to bugger off even with direct acknowledgements, though that might be because Crowley was imagining It. Or It really was here, and interested in the affairs of potential angel discorporation. Or a bomb was going to fall here and It was just beating the rush. The theories were far from endless.

Death appeared back there as soon as Crowley had been kicked out. He’s simply been dealing with it since then, and It probably wasn’t helping to lift his spirits. He shouldn’t be so antsy—both logic and mechanics deemed it so.

They’d be fine, Crowley repeats to himself near constantly, finding a proper seat in direct line of sight where Aziraphale will be standing. He readjusts his tie as the humans sit around him, creating a perfectly isolated bubble of red velvet seats. What did it matter that twelve humans died doing this before? They weren’t human. Death had no claim on them. It couldn’t take them even if It so desired.

Crowley scowls at the hooded figure standing near the entrance of the theater, cold scythe gleaming under the warm bulbs of the West End. Its just…standing there. Making no move to come closer, either. Odd.

Crowley sinks lower into his plush seat, as if trying to avoid Death’s gaze. But being one of two immovable objects on this Earth, It’s always on him. If Death had a goal, there would be no point in warding It away.

Seeing Death is a famous bad omen, and would send a chill down his spine had it been anywhere else. At this moment, however, Crowley is simply irritated. If It was looking for another soul in this theater, that was fine by him, let It take them, but It would not be ruining whatever this was. Humans were ever plentiful—there was only one angel deserving of Earth.

Before Crowley can decide whether or not he should be stupid and confront the omen in the room, the lights go dim. The crowd’s murmurs die down, and Crowley has no choice but to stay seated and watch the show. Aziraphale wouldn’t be coming on until the Ladies of Camelot had their first number, but Crowley could easily endure it. The gaze aimed straight at his head could be ignored.

World be damned if It took the angel’s enthusiasm. They’d be fine. Crowley just has to remember that.

-----

Things are, indeed, not going fine.

Crowley is meant to go up on stage any second now. Aziraphale has no inkwell in his gloved hand. No amount of snapping is removing said turnip from line of sight. He reads the pamphlet—then again, then again, then again, but there is no second option for apparently miracleless individuals.

Fucking. Hell.

Whatever false bravado Aziraphale is spewing is null and void compared to the should-be-non-existent nerves running through frantic hands and finding absolutely nothing useful. Crowley flips through the same two pages—give the stooge the bullet, poise, and shoot. The miracle would’ve ensure that the bullet would never leave the barrel. But now—now, well, he really regrets not considering a Plan B. Did they ever consider a Plan B? Apparently not.

Getting there is a blur. Aziraphale is essentially shoving the rifle into Crowley’s care, which is honestly becoming a worse idea by the second. He’s switching between the demon and the audience so quickly that Crowley can’t tell who he’s addressing. They’re deathly quiet, and Crowley would feel embarrassed if his heart that shouldn’t be there wasn’t pounding with too much blood in too little time. His mind is a soup. Muddled, feverish, and incredibly foul tasting. You wouldn’t want to drink it even if you were starving.

“I would ask you,” Aziraphale says loudly, cutting through the fog of utter mental mush, “to take this bullet, and load it into the rifle. Very carefully.”

Crowley nods belatedly, squeezing and turning parts of the gun to get the non-existent warmth running back through his fingers. He takes the bullet, and turns it round a few times while Aziraphale stares at him with excruciating anxiety. Is he stalling? Honestly, even Crowley wouldn’t be able to tell you.

“It's perfectly simple,” Aziraphale mutters softly, pushing the gun a bit closer. “Aim for my mouth, but shoot past my ear.”

Crowley can’t find himself to agree here. He’s staring at him, and that would usually get him to listen regardless of shades, but Death is boring into them like the harshest of theater critics. His skin is slick, almost clammy, threatening to let the gun slip and fire a stray bullet anywhere but its intended target. His back is sore, oddly enough. Irritating.

Crowley has questions, like he always does, but the time has long passed. What he wants to ask is ‘do I just squeeze that little bit there?’ pointing at (what looks like) to be the trigger—but then that would just make Crowley look incompetent, so he swallows it back and nodly lightly. He’s never fired a gun like Aziraphale seems to believe whole-heartedly, but he’s certainly watched it happen. He’s picked up enough of the motions to figure it out on his own.

That thought still doesn’t help when he’s being told to insert the bullet, though. Crowley fumbles through it, opening a mislaid hatch or two, but manages before Aziraphale could raise any alarms. He’s already stood back in position (when did that happen?) when Crowley raises the loaded rifle for all to see, proclaiming as such. He bites back the tremor threatening to appear—he wasn’t nervous. Excited, more like it. Excited to finally get an excuse to make a throw at the angel non-suspicious like.

That was all it was. Really.

Crowley turns the rifle one last time as Aziraphale spins more useless pageantry for the audience to woo at. They’re both grinning, but tightly and annoyingly false. It wasn’t the eyes that were the problem—what, do you think that demons ever got stage fright? Absurd!

It was just...well, there weren’t just humans in this audience. Crowley couldn’t forget the shadow looming at the end of the theater no matter how tight he grips the side of the weapon. But, just like Someone had laid out all that Time ago—Death could only perceive them.

It could not touch them.

It would not touch them.

It would not touch him, if he could help it.

The drums begin their incessant titter as Aziraphale finally turns to Crowley properly, blue cloak glimmering under the warm light of the stage before them. “A-are you ready, sir?”

Crowley would scoff at this if he could. Sir. Only humans ever addressed him that way; angels look down on him, demons sneer at him. Though he supposes this angel would be different—always throwing the curveballs, him.

“When you hear my signal,” the angel says, voice growing quieter, “shoot.”

Aziraphale removes his tophat, revealing preciously white curls. This pings something, the remaining traces of damned sense he’s got buried inside. Crowley isn’t sure what has possessed him—but he shakes his head. It’s all he can do. Don’t make me do it, he nearly warns out loud. Not if you know what’s good for you.

Aziraphale stills, but not before mouthing words that would be akin to an ashamed mumble if he were close enough. Trust me.

Trust me.

Satan, he got him there. That’s why Crowley was here, after all. Stooge. 100% Reliable Marksman.

Right.

Aziraphale isn’t nearly as good as Crowley at hiding his anxious gaze. “Ready?”

Oh, Heavens no. He never would be, but no better time than the present. Or something like that. He can’t recall where it came from.

“Aim…”

Crowley can’t ignore it anymore—he’s shaking. Extremely so, at that. It’s knocking around the air in his lungs very unkindly. It’s quite difficult to aim. His head is bobbing around in the scope.

Just about…

There it is.

Crowley waits—just like he’s done for the last…however long. A long time. His arms are starting to hurt, frankly. He rests his finger over the trigger to ease the trembling a tad.

And the magician remains silent.

Crowley ignores the sweat crawling down his neck. (Wasn’t it supposed to be freezing?) He waits some more—it’s not like one can forget where you are. Benefit of the doubt and such.

Nothing still. Nary a nod.

He’s been staring at him for a minute. The crowd hasn’t uttered a peep. Is Crowley just supposed to…do it? Did they talk about this? They must have. They talked about this. They talked about it, right? Yeah. Yeah, they must have—

"Fire!"

He startled him.

The reason why he listens is easy to explain. Aziraphale made Crowley flinch. A bit of a spook, really, not that bad of a fright. A sudden jolt—a tap on the shoulder, one that said ‘oh, look, you’ve got perfect aim already! Shoot!’

And he did.

What’s the first rule of approaching someone with a weapon again?

Right. Don’t fucking scare them.

The handle is warm. Slick, heavy, shaky. The scope aims with guilty target missing at the helm. A puff of smoke is spewing from the barrel. A thump, a sickening thump, deafening in the cricket silence of a post-trick world.

And Aziraphale…is on the floor.

(Where else would he be, really?)

There, obviously. On the floor. With a blown-up head. Bleeding like blessed Heaven. Bleeding like bloody Heaven, while Crowley has to take in the sight and smell the blessed thing.

It fits. They fit. Like a perfect crown on a decapitated head.

God, his head’s just gone, isn’t it?

A noise cuts through the thick silence like a stubbornly determined knife. Far away, above it all, there it rings. It’s muffled, soft, and almost awkward in the way it cuts through the air. A camera click. A reluctant, malicious camera click.

And that was just the perfect way to say it, no? He blew his brains out. Crowley blew his angel’s fucking brains out with a fucking gun that he’s never fucking held before.

Trust me.

Well. That, no doubt, was Aziraphale’s fault—it’d be a funny old world if angels and demons went around trusting one another.

-----

hgh. hope that was decent. chapter two coming as soon as it can because im invested now :))

[bitterpngs]

...

...

...

… trust, huh?

TL;DR: what i want to highlight with this comic: satoru calling suguru "geto" / suguru crossing satoru's metaphorical line and permanently severing his relationship with him. kenjaku's plan in canon will never come to fruition in this au. what happens after is up to you :)

and yes ik the trust quote is in the context of the other 2nd years! i added it bc it fit, in a way.

this got long sorry lol i started to ramble

LAST NAME - what started this all and what i hope others picked up on was gojo calling geto by his last name, not his first: geto. even after everything geto did during jjk v0, gojo still calls geto 'suguru.' he's still 'suguru' to him. i wanted a scenario in which gojo would reject his first name - reject their past and their relationship. this whole comic idea sprung out of being unsatisfied with geto and gojo's canon relationship. personally, im not the happiest with how things were written in the story and feel like the author could've done some things differently. this isn't to say i don't like or enjoy what the author has written either. i just have mixed feelings.

KENJAKU - in case it wasn't clear, the door closing on page 14 depicts geto with stitches on his forehead - aka kenjaku. what that page is trying to convey is that the moment geto killed yuuta, the future where geto's body is used to box gojo ceased to exist. in this au, kenjaku's plan that we see in the canon timeline would never and will never work. by killing yuuta, geto crossed a line and permanently severed his relationship with gojo. if gojo wins here, gojo will dispose of the body properly. the panel after shows a closed door with the memory of who suguru was. the person who suguru used to be and the best years of gojo's life etc etc. but "broken" bc it's gojo truly realizing that's not who geto is anymore + the whole "severing relationship" thing. does this make sense.

what happens after the comic ends is up to interpretation though

GETO'S PLAN - i didnt focus a lot on the specifics of how this could've happened considering geto's plan changed in this au. how it happened isnt really important, you can come up with whatever you want. what i wanted to focus on, and what i hope people managed to pick up on is the situation itself - geto killing yuuta. sorry yuuta. i'll make it up to you.

i ended it here because it felt the best place, but here's some scrapped dialogue of a few seconds after: GETO: "… It was a necessary sacrifice, Sato-" GOJO: "don't you dare call me that" basically to emphasize the first name vs last name situation

GOJO N GETO - ive always felt uhhh. nitpicky, i guess. about the specifics of everything regarding gojo and geto. ive felt unsatisfied for a variety of reasons, and this was basically an idea that sprung out (a looong time ago) of a want for gojo to be angry at and feel more.. negative emotions, i guess, toward geto. i still do genuinely enjoy their canon relationship a lot tho. i enjoy the way they’re written together and individually, i just have different/multiple feelings about the same thing :)

RIKO AND YUUTA - erm there was a scrapped panel... you can find it on my blog if you're really curious but there was a panel of geto 'remembering' riko's dead body (a distorted memory, because the blood reflects yuuta's injuries). it's not necessarily that riko and yuuta are similar, it's that geto becomes a bit like toji in the end. just like toji, geto tries to kill a young teenager for the sake of his own goals. while toji's was selfish and geto's, in his own eyes, was for the greater good, there's still the similarity of killing a child. of stealing their future for their own goals. plus the fact that gojo killed both of them in a similar way.

TRUST - yeah i know the quote is in the context of the 2nd years fighting geto. still. gojo trusted geto to a large degree, despite everything he did. so. it's going here.

PG 4-6 - geto values and cares about sorcerers so so much. again, he was fine with trying to kill yuuta for his vision and all but i dont think he wouldn't feel some level of. conflicting emotions i guess. (i am very against the idea that geto wasn't... trying to kill yuuta? i don't really get that perspective at all. it'd make all of that meaningless imo. but this isn’t about that.) ok im done.

if you read this entire rambly thing, thank you :D hope you enjoyed!

[polyamorouspunk]

Let’s Talk.

My name is Punk.

This isn’t the name I chose.

This is the name that was given to me by this community.

And for the first time this year this is the name I’ve started using in real life too.

I’m 24 years old. I turn 25 in a few weeks. I’m undecided on whether or not I want to live to see it.

In December of 2021 the person I regarded as the love of my life, my soulmate, despite being polyamorous broke up with me, dashing our plans to get married and move in together around… well, around 25.

From there I fell in with someone eccentric. Some of you knew him as Catboy. I knew him as the ex porn star, married man trying to get a divorce with a newborn kid he didn’t know was his or not that was born while we were together.

Many of you sat around and listened to me talk about how amazing he was and how much he hurt me. Many of you told me that this was an unhealthy situation for me. Many of you told me to break it off. And eventually I did. And that was with your support.

I spent the next few years lamenting being single and how much it sucked with some toxic BPD things in between like one FP I had a crush on acting like we were friends and making plans with me only to turn around and basically call me a psycho? But we’re on good terms again now so it’s fine I guess? Yeah.

Up until about a year ago when I reconnected with my gf, who I never really lost touch with. She was always there in the background, but she’s in the spotlight now.

Around this time I found my latest FP, the lead singer of a somewhat popular band. I started the year off strong. I was on top of the world. I was talking to the lead singer of this band almost every day, and it was amazing!

During this time I started feeling myself a little more. I gained a confidence I think I had lost. If you’ve seen literally any pictures of me over this year you probably know what I mean. And I liked the attention I was getting on here.

Around this time I made it out to my first local show. I have a reputation on here, after all, and it was unheard of for a punk blog like me to not even be active in his own scene! But I always had an excuse. I was tired. I had work. Chronic pain day. It was always something.

This is where we introduce our first of two characters in the life of Punk this year, a girl I dubbed ⚡️ on here.

When I first saw ⚡️ I was enraptured.

I have screenshots of the messages I sent Key that night talking about how enthralled with her I was and how I had watched her all night. I even have messages from Key from when I went back to the venue to see if I could find her and winded up taking home a Green Day patch and pin instead. Three guesses as to where those wound up if you follow Key’s blog at all.

But nothing happened and instead I connected with someone on here. And that was going well until it wasn’t going well anymore. And I cussed them out and took a week of this blog. That’s about when things started to go downhill.

Frustrated at everything I turned to dating apps and that’s where I met 🔮. If you’ve been following this story at all you might know that when I first met up with 🔮 I thought that she was ⚡️. I stand by my right to say this was an easy mistake to make. Ignore the 7 year age gap.

Upon realizing that 🔮 was not in fact ⚡��, my response, of course, as the fucking polyamorous punk was wow! TWO punk girls? What a deal! (Yeah fucking right).

I went on one date with 🔮 and then she invited me to my first house show (party) at her boyfriend’s venue (house). There I smoked weed for the first time. I had always wanted to treat smoking weed my first time like losing my virginity. Someone holding my hand through it and checking in on me. That did not happen. I went home without saying goodbye and from there things devolved. 🔮 told me that she didn’t want to see me outside of the scene, and that she needed space. So, utterly devastated I’d had my heart broken less than a month after the fucking last time I spiraled badly. Started self harming. Considering killing myself a lot. I’m sure you know. You were probably there for it.

It was during this period I ended up finding ⚡️ again. And so I told her that I had a crush on her and that I wanted help fixing things with 🔮 because I wasn’t over her. And then she ghosted me. Because why not I guess lmao. And honestly? I had an air of wanting to ruin things with her too anyway. Because what was the fucking point.

And then one fateful day in July the week after I came home from one of my numerous trips back to CT to keep myself as sane as fucking possible and heal the emotional damage I was constantly being dealt from my BPD and feelings of rejection by going to spend time with people who actually fucking loved and cared about me I attended a movie night at the venue where all of this started in the first place knowing full well there was a good chance I was going to run into one of them. And I did.

And so ⚡️ and I sat together. And we talked. And it was. Electric. It seems funny I chose ⚡️ represent her.

There was a spark and an energy between us I couldn’t deny. And yet, it wasn’t going anywhere.

So I had let it go. Because what was the point of chasing ghosts.

I let it go until one night in August after- wait for it- another trip back to CT I sat around her living room with all her friends and she was the only person I knew until 🔮 showed up. And everyone got drunk and I realized while I had spent months hurting myself, considering killing myself, wondering if I needed to commit myself because of all the fucking emotional PAIN I was in, that these girls were going around to clubs looking for dates and hookups. And I realized how fucking traumatizing the past few months had been for me. I know that probably seems obvious but I mean it when I say I really didn’t realize until I was standing in my kitchen talking to Kai (fangsup-cobrastyle) about how fucked up I was. I mean that well and truly.

And I realized that how is someone supposed to realize how I feel if I didn’t tell them. So I did. I wrote a letter to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and I addressed it to ⚡️ and disclosed I had no idea if I would even give it to her or not. But I did. And she read it.

And she sat me down and told me she had no idea the extent of how much I was hurting, and that she felt like 🔮 had done the same to her. Which surprised me. I mean, they were best friends. But yeah, I guess if one of them was infatuated with the other and that one was just dragging them along… no wonder they seemed so close.

I looked down at my lap and out at the gas station across the street and asked her if I was crazy in saying that I saw the way she looked at me, the way she acted around me… she said I wasn’t, but she wasn’t in a place for a relationship. I got it. I understood. And I came back with telling her that if she didn’t want to be my girlfriend then I didn’t want that either- but I didn’t not want to be with her either.

She told me that she had shit to sort out. She was a poor broke college student that had lost her job and was trying to make rent on the lease in her punk house. So I threw her some money. I didn’t expect anything back. I just wanted to help. And I told her fine if she wasn’t my girlfriend then she could at least be my sugar baby.

So we’re. Seeing each other. Now. I guess. Or at least I thought we were until like. Last night. Oh boy last night.

Girl went missing over the weekend and had the worst weekend of her life. I had no idea she was missing. She had stood me up and while I was half expecting it, by the time it had been a few days I had slide back into splitting on her, right up until she told me she had to go for a few days. So I said that was fine and I just wanted her to be safe.

*looks into the camera like I’m on the office*

Chat she was not safe. Like at all. In fact she was decidedly UNsafe, and I had no idea because I was like clearly the girl needs space I’ll give her some space. So yeah. Went missing. Had an ordeal. Got back Sunday or yesterday.

Even before I had learned all this I had wanted to ask if I could come over so we could talk more about things between us, and she told me she would think about it depending on how she felt after the show last night. Well. She decided to get a ride from 🔮 instead because 🔮 had things to get from her house. And if you know someone with BPD you know that they do not react well when they target of their affection quite literally chooses someone who is basically competition over them. So yeah. Spiraled hard last night. Cried about it a lot both on here and irl to someone from the scene. Someone who kept it real with me as someone who also has BPD.

Someone else reached out to me from the scene and I ended up telling them what happened too.

So where does that leave me now.

Well.

I had wanted so badly to come home to you all and tell you that I was finally… happy. That I had another relationship in the works. With an amazing girl. And that’s not not true.

I kept it on the downlow because we didn’t agree to anything official, and it didn’t feel fair to announce a relationship that didn’t exist yet.

So now where that leaves me is having sent her a message last night telling her that what she did really hurt my feelings, having a mutual friend offer to tell her to get in touch with me while I guess I just sit back and wait and see where I go from here.

I had been keeping this on the downlow irl too for a variety of reasons. One, and I cannot exaggerate enough, this girl is THE fucking queen bee of the scene. She has the ultimate clout. And I’m not sure I want to be advertising that within the scene itself. Second, I worried that if people saw how much I was being distressed over my situationship with her it might lead to them resenting her, and I didn’t want that. What I want is for us to have a cute if ultimately doomed-to-fail relationship that’s fun while it lasts. And that’s why I’m also intentionally leaving a lot of things out. Because I don’t want that to happen here. I want to make it very clear: no one caused me to choose the actions I did with self harm and self sabotage. Just because my feelings over these people are what led me to take those action does NOT mean that they are in any way responsible. It is VERY important for me as a person with BPD to stress this. My actions and my feelings are my own responsibility. No one “caused” me to spiral and self harm. They are not bad people. I do not blame them. Someone fucking me over romantically is not a justification to blame them for my own SH actions. And I want people to realize that if anyone tries to blame them for their own self harm. You are never responsible or liable for someone else’s actions. If someone tries to blame that shit on you you need to tread VERY carefully.

Do I have fucking adorable pictures of my sugar baby on my phone? Yes. Would I love to post them on here some day and tease her about them? Yes. She is still my cute little uwu crusty punk roadkill drowned rat motherfucker and in my own BPD way I still love and am in love with her. I mean it when I say I do not want my own negative feelings towards any of this to reflect badly on her and that my end goal is to still be a cute toxic yuri couple.

So yeah that’s. That’s what’s been up, honestly. And it feels good to get it off my fucking chest finally, even if it’s not how I wanted it to go. And I’ll keep everyone updated.

The last few months have been very hard for me. The support I’ve gotten here has kept me going when I’m not sure I could have kept going otherwise. If you’ve ever wondered if you’ve made a difference in someone’s lives I want you to read this and know unequivocally that the answer is yes and I am proof.

I love you all. Stay safe. Please do not fucking go missing and almost die.

-Punk

ps. playlist for this post (bc y not)

Bonus tracks:

[taurder]

Hello! Found your blog recently and it's just so good, I just wanted to leave a request for Miguel and a (ftm) reader who just started a relationship and someone finds out?

Their relationship being quite under the radar, but if someone knew what to look for, they'd notice? Perhaps being caught while being affectionate towards one another? If that's not your thing, it's alright, thank you anyway!

ftm!top!reader x miguel o'hara

contains: implied spider-person reader, nothing nsfw, just a little implying. ftm reader but very mild?

note: thank you so much! and i hope you like it, i thought the idea was cute but i realized too late that the reader being ftm isn't as obvious? maybe? still, first sfw thing here, so have at it.

Is it peter's idea or you and miguel seemed different? not in a bad or concerning kind of way, and you had changed this past year but he didn't meant that. he has seen miguel being relaxed, he probably is one out of five people who has actually witness a genuine smile plastered in the face of the headquarters' leader, and even so that didn't happened regularly enough. and still there he was: full on costume as always, towering over you and crossing his arms as he usually did when he was giving a lecture about a mission going wrong, smiling.

and usually peter would take a glance at the room and either step in to try to convince miguel to tone down his anger or he will continue on walking, just hearing the screams from afar, depending of the spider-person receiving the lecture. but now what made him suddenly stop was seeing the smile miguel was showing. his eyes went wild because it was clearly his you screwed up the mission pose, and still he was just rolling his eyes, smiling easy as you seemed to tease with your usual grin.

maybe miguel was just in a good mood (was that even possible?) or he has just finished lecturing another hero and so his pose was like that even though you didn't mess up anything. peter smiled not entirely convinced but continuing on his walk, more slower now. he was about to forget about the interaction he witness when you walked right pass him, a big smile on your face.

"hey, all good?" he asked in reflex, as he did to anyone who walk out of a conversation with miguel. "uhm? oh yeah, i got lectured because an anomaly made a big fuss in the containment room. kinda my fault, see you at lunch?" peter stopped again while you waved goodbye, already shooting webs and getting out of there. he opened his mouth and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. that upbeat attitude and smile wasn't the usual demeanor of someone who just got yelled at, right?

jessica then made a comment to peter while they were at the cafeteria, several days since the meeting. "wasn't that miguel's dinner?" you were sitting two tables away from them, having a conversation with another parker and a spider-robot while eating a sincronizada out of a disposable food container, the exact same one peter had give miguel half an hour ago, the letters MO written at the lid by the cafeteria man who always send out something he thought he would enjoy. but there you were, devouring the cheese, ham and avocado in-between the tortilla. "so? maybe he wasn't hungry and gave it away" peter answered back, but now his eyes wouldn't stop looking at you.

days passed without thinking of that whole interaction, but then they were all called to a quick briefing about new discovered universe and a warning to be careful there. he was just about to leave like the others when mayday made a cute hiccup sound and he needed to show miguel. he turned, holding her in arms already voicing out the spider-man's name when his eyes catch up something quick. miguel's hand pinching your side just as you were walking away, both of you sharing a look and a playful smile (again).

it was casual, almost friendly if people didn't paid attention to both you and miguel's expression. but peter did, even if he continued on his rambling, demanding the attention of the taller man as you walked away, the brown eyes of the man staying a little longer on your figure before paying attention to peter.

"what was the last time miguel offered you his food?" point taken. they didn't talk any more of it, but now that they both were on the same understanding that miguel was acting different it was like every single detail was suddenly cristal clear in their eyes, pointing to the same conclusion.

to the way you seemed to always be near the wing in the headquarters closer to miguel's control room, to the way his eyes would focus for more seconds than intended in you when there was another briefing. one day, and jessica wishes she hasn't but she saw you two leaving the bathroom almost at the same time, him with slightly swollen lips and not exactly put together hair, and you with a cocky and satisfied smile, if she had been suspicious now this was full confirmation. they both noticed miguel's much calmer attitude too, not quite bubbly all around but at least he was less intense and wasn't snapping at people left and right anymore.

"i know two dorks in love when i see them" stated jessica after some weeks, more and more details just piling up after the other, to the way you would smile whenever someone mentioned him, or how miguel would only calm down when his eyes found you after returning from a mission. now both jess and peter were walking to the control room after being called there, the subject being brought up as it always did when discussing o'hara nowadays "...and honestly good for them, at least miguel isn't acting like he has a stick in his ass and is now actually getting something up–" the two heroes stopped, about five meters far from the entrance, just watching as you fully kissed their leader.

he was sitting on top of a desk with you between his legs, and even like that he had to lean slightly down so your mouths could meet properly. it wasn't heated, but there was intimacy in the way your slim hands were on his neck, fingertips touching his hair as his own right hand was at the desk, his left grabbing your arm, caressing with his thumb and enjoying the kiss fully with his eyes closed. peter turned then, taking jessica's shoulders to do the same as they both walked away.

"he's going to hiss at us for not showing up" they both laughed wholeheartedly, having just been presented to the confirmation of their suspicions "let the grumpy vampire enjoy himself, pete, he has bigger concerns than us right now".

[evvlevie]

❤️‍🔥♥️ LESSONS I NEEDED TO LEARN IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND SHIFTING ♥️❤️‍🔥

Hi, Hello, it’s your favourite shifting blogger Evie again, and I have stuff to tell you 🫂♥️

Here‘s the situation for people who aren’t aware of what I have been up to: My blog has been dead for a quite long amount of time, because I am in university now and I basically decided to focus on the life in this reality for a while instead of my desired one. University can be quite stressful, too which is why I haven’t even been able to think about shifting, so that it eventually lost importance in my life. I wanna be clear that I have not given up on it or that I don’t want to shift anymore, it just wasn’t a priority for the first time in my life since like April.

1️⃣ You always get what you want.

I know I have been preaching this quite often on here, but ever since I haven’t been forcing myself to shift anymore this became very apparent to me. I noticed that if I had a desire, even if I didn’t make it a dominant thought in my head, that it showed up manifesting in my reality no matter what because I was desiring it and I always get what I want. For example: I met a guy here in Uni and we are in a friendgroup. I am not romantically interested in him, but I kinda wanted him to admit that I was his favourite friend out of the group. I tried to manifest him to say these exact words, but instead a situation arose in which he expressed the same message in a different way, that made me realize that his way of wording that same context made me way more content with the situation. Even if I wasn’t trying to make him say what he ended up saying, he said what I didn’t even know I wanted, but I did. I got what I wanted. He never said „you are my favorite“ but instead he said what my true desire actually was. This was a very important thing for me to learn. I needed to be reminded of the fact that I never fail to get my desires met. Even if shifting is one of them. If I want to shift, I will because I always get what I want.

2️⃣ let go

Manifestations come when you let them manifest. Jello only sets hard when you stop wiggling it around. That’s the idea. My desires manifested after I mentioned that I wanted them to myself once. That’s because if you keep telling yourself „why don‘t I have my desire yet“ you are actively living in a reality where your desire isn’t yours. We all knew this fact and it’s nothing new, but right here where I am, the place where I don‘t really have the ability to even think about something else than my studies, my manifestations came the quickest. I am not dwelling in the old story, I am not asking myself where my desires are and I am literally just desiring shit for a minute and it comes flying at me because I even forget I am desiring that stuff. I needed to be reminded that obsessing with your manifestations isn’t what is going to get them faster to you. I needed to be reminded about the fact that the more time I spend in the state of hoping the longer things will take to manifest.

3️⃣ a simple decision is a manifestation

My favorite way of manifesting is deciding. I‘m honest: I love it. I sit in class and I‘m thinking „wouldn’t it be nice to have xyz right now?“ then I remember that I am a fucking boss at manifestation and I go „okay so it’s decided, xyz is mine.“ and that’s how I go about my day. When I catch myself thinking „oh wait I don‘t have xyz“ I always remind my self „oh no wait I‘m silly, I manifested it a minute ago! Stupid me“ and I don‘t mean that in a panicking or self-controlling manner. I know people love to preach about mental diet on here but this always sounds so harsh to me. I literally take it the most lazy and chill way possible. I decide I want something, I decide it’s mine and after that I treat it like it’s mine. Even if you can’t see it in the 3D reality yet, manifestations aren’t little magic spells that might work or might not. They always work 100% so if you just stay consistent with it it always appears. I can’t tell you how many packages have arrived at ridiculous paces to me because I decided I wanted a certain dress to be here on a very specific day. Shipping usually takes 10 days? Not with me, my shit comes in three days because that when I want it here. I decide that I will be able to wear my dress the day I want to, so yes the dress arrives on time, because I say so.

4️⃣ you‘re literally doing it all by yourself

People who are just starting out to manifest and shift are often under the impression that when you‘re manifesting you are requesting something specific from a certain type of outer force. Like you are placing an order with a sketchy website that might or might not deliver your order because it’s that cheap and unusual. I have been reading it and saying it to my own followers all of the time that „you are giving your desires to yourself“ and that „you are shifting yourself left and right and not some outer energy“. But only like two days ago it actually hit me. Everything IS me. You get your desires because you are giving them to yourself, you just have to decide. You get what you want because you obviously know that you want it. That’s exactly why the laws never fail because you obviously won’t cheat yourself. That’s exactly why the laws can’t work against you, because the only energy that has the ability to change and decide shit is you. Why would you ever work against you? That doesn’t even make sense! When you are doubting shifting you are basically ordering yourself not to do it. BECAUSE ITS ALL YOU. But like it’s LITERALLY ONLY YOU. No god, no ominous universe, no power above you. NONE. It’s you or nothing. You literally want to shift yourself, but your doubts are basically you standing in your own way. There is nothing that has to approve your desires other than you. Your subconscious is you. Think of yourself like a sugar daddy. Your consciousness is a sugar baby who really loves nice shiny things and your subconscious is the sugar daddy with all the money that he wants to spend as much as he possibly can. When the sugar Baby asks the sugar daddy for nice shoes he buys them for her. When the sugar baby wants a new lambo he will buy it for her. And when she requests a whole ducking country he will buy it for her. And bestie when you are your own sugar daddy how the fuck can you not get what you request hm? Exactly! You are the sugar baby AND daddy. You are giving everything to yourself constantly. YOU PLACE YOUR ORDER WITH YOURSELF, HOW CAN YOU NOT GET IT?It’s never something else.

So here we are. Evies realizations after I spent time away from obsessing with shifting and manifestations. I don‘t remember who told me that, but since everything is you, you can always find the answers to spiritual questions within yourself. After these 3 weeks of distance I finally figured out how I (and I mean I as in particularly me, because for you shifting and manifestation can work vastly differently) need to approach shifting and manifestation. Spirituality is very very individual. Don‘t force other peoples mindsets on yourself, don‘t apply a mindset you do not resonate with and don‘t take every shifters advice at face value. Different things work in different people. The real answers to all of your questions are within yourself not on tumblr, not on amino and definitely not on tiktok.

I Hope I was able to help you guys today and I really really hope you guys have amazing holidays ❤️❤️❤️

Thank all of you for 700 followers while I am at it! I appreciate every single follower who decided that my content is worth staying for and worth paying attention to. I couldn’t be more thankful for my blog, there is absolutely nothing that fulfills me as much as helping people. Thank you for being my platform and thank you for being a key aspect to my passion. ♥️❤️‍🔥🫂

Yours in every reality,

Evie <3

[bicayaya]

as of now, i’m on a semi-hiatus.

under the cut i’ll talk a little about this decision. it’ll probably be a long post and it’s basically a vent, so pls don’t feel pressured to read it.

maybe all i say here will sound confusing, specially because lately expressing myself in english is being very hard. but i’ll try to make some sense.

well, there’s two main reasons why i’m deciding to do this. first of all, ever since i went on a semi-hiatus during may/june, i feel that i’m unable to be 100% back on this account, like i lost my place here. i always felt anxious and nervous about interacting, but somehow it became even worse after being some time away from tumblr. this is no one’s fault (probably just my own), but i can’t help but feel disconnected from the rest of the fandom. which makes me sad, because there’s a lot of people here who i really like and who i miss interacting with more. but in the past few weeks, every time i thought of interacting, something kept blocking me, i felt like i had nothing to add to the conversation and that no one would even care about anything i could possibly say (again, i’m aware that this is mostly my anxiety talking and no one’s to blame for me feeling like this other than myself). this feeling of rejection made me even avoid opening the app some days, because seeing others interacting made me feel even worse about my current lack of social skills.

the second reason is the fact that creating is not bringing me any joy right now. again, a fact that makes me really sad, because i love drawing, i love my ocs and i still have a lot of ideas i would like to share. but the process of creating them isn’t being as fun as it was a few months ago. i had a conversation about this with my psychologist recently, and she made me realize that instead of using my free time doing something i was in the mood to or resting, i was forcing myself to do the things i thought i had to do. i still love art, and i don’t plan on giving up on it, but maybe i should try focusing and trying different hobbies for now. because lately all i felt while trying to create was frustration, and i don’t want to ruin something i love by associating it with bad feelings. and honestly, if i can’t create, i feel like there’s nothing for me to even post here.

these two reasons are also connected to the fact that i’m not on a good mental state right now. i won’t elaborate much, because these are personal matters that i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, but i’ve been feeling down and anxious most of the time. this makes me feel like an awful person, which makes me avoid talking with others because i fear being bad with them (and consequently makes me avoid any kind of interaction, like i said before), and not keeping touch makes me feel even worse and i just keep constantly finding myself in this cicle. my routine is not the healthiest right now either, which i think might be making everything worse.

i’m not happy making this decision, but i think it’s necessary because i’m not happy with how things are right now either. there’s still a lot i would like to share, specially involving my ocs, but i just can’t do anything right now.

even with all of this, i don’t want to lose contact with the friends i’ve made here. you’re all very precious to me and always showed me a lot of kindness and support. if anyone wants to reach out to me for any reason, i’ll still have my tumblr notifications turned on, so you can dm me or send me messages on discord (same username as here). the only posts i’ll be checking out are the ones i’m tagged, so if you want me to see something that you think i might like, feel free to tag me! i’m sure i’ll be happy to see it.

you can also still send asks for me or for my ocs (in this or in their blog). i don’t know if i’ll be able to answer them quickly, as i still have a few old unanswered asks, but i’ll try, specially if it’s something important.

and, something important: i still plan on doing the requests i received on my birthday event. i think it’s unfair to everyone who joined to ignore it and i want to keep my word. but i can’t promise when i’ll post them, because i’ll probably take longer than usual to finish any drawing.

i guess that’s all. please take care everyone, if you need me for anything (or just want to reach out) you know where to find me! hopefully this decision won’t last long.

my intro/masterpost

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

i think i found my fav arcana blog, i rlly love ur hcs and writings!!! (and i don't even usually read that much,,)

i wanna know how the m6 would react to mc, who does journaling but never had anyone read their journal, offering the m6 if they want to read their private journal

The Arcana HCs: M6 reading MC's journal

~ I kept a journal for several years until my siblings were old enough to decipher my handwriting and use it as blackmail lol. Thanks for the prompt anon, enjoy! - brainrot ~

Julian

Noticed you writing in it every day and has been dying of curiosity to know what you're writing about but respects your privacy too much to even bring it up

There have been one or two times when you left it on a table (not open) and he spent a good five minutes fixated on it from across the room, mind going crazy

You finally walk in on him one afternoon, draped across one side of the couch and twisting his gloves while staring holes into the notebook on the opposite armrest

So you sit down next to him and let him read it with you

Double checking multiple times that it's okay for him to be reading this - "are you sure that you're sure?"

Reading about himself from your perspective and how he makes your life better makes him so happy

He also notices how you've kept his love notes and flowers pressed between the pages and the sheer romance of it will make his brain melt

Blushing, stuttering mess

Now whenever he writes you something or picks a flower for you he's thinking about the best way to make it relevant years later, since he knows you'll save them

Asra

Journaling started for you as a daily exercise when you were relearning to write

It was Asra's way of giving you a piece of your life that you had total control of, and of encouraging you to chronicle your days to cope with your memory loss

Over time it also became a place to write down all the things you wanted to say to them while they were gone

So late one night, when you're stargazing together and you find you're on the second to last page of the notebook he gave you so long ago, you reread it with him

It's one of the most precious moments you'll ever share with them. No magic or adventure involved, just the sweetness of revisiting your history together

It also gives you the chance to let him read all the things you felt you couldn't tell him, which brings so much resolution

By the time you're finished reading and talking and snuggling the birds are starting to chirp and the sky is getting lighter

For them, reading about all the ways you noticed and thought about and loved them when there was so much distance between you two makes their heart so full it aches

Nadia

At first she assumed it was something like a planner, where you would write down leads and information and connections

But then she saw the different notebooks you kept for studying, and the system you had to keep track of your scheduled events

She was a little embarrassed at how long it took for her to realize that it was a journal

Once she knew, she was intrigued. She wasn't going to pressure you to show her at all, but she's certainly curious

One day you're flipping back through your entries and you begin to giggle. It's the last thing before she caves and asks

"MC, my darling, what's making you laugh?"

You're immediately scooting over to make space for her next to you and pointing to the right spot on the page

It's a small anecdote you had recorded of Natiqa pranking Nahara and Nazali when Nadia wasn't around

Once you two start reading together she doesn't stop. With your permission, you spend the next two hours reminiscing

You write about her like she's the most important, wise, and confident person in the world, and it fills her with humble gratitude

Muriel

Noticed on the trip south. Wasn't curious. Didn't ask.

Now its been months, you two live like an old married couple in the woods, and he has no idea how to bring it up this late in the getting-to-know-you game

Practices the possible words to ask you in the early mornings while he's feeding the chickens and you're still asleep

The chickens don't have much feedback

You, on the other hand, have mistaken his stoicism for disinterest, so you haven't taken any initiative to let him know that you're open to talking about it

Inanna gets fed up one day and grabs your journal in her mouth, leading you on a chase through the woods, right to where Muriel is fishing

Casually drops it as soon as he tells her to, right into his lap, and heads away for a nap

You sit down next to him and check for torn pages. As soon as you feel his interested gaze, you're offering to read it to him while he waits for the fish to bite

He's not ready for how often he features in your stories, but hearing the way you describe him as safe and gentle and precious makes him feel so fuzzy inside

Portia

The first time she sees you writing she's already asking what it's for

As soon as you tell her it's a journal, she's asking you to let her read it. If it's written by someone as mysterious and exciting as you, it has to be good!

At this point you've known her for all of two days, so you say no

Disappointed but understanding. She doesn't pester you about it, but she makes sure to let you know that she's very interested if you ever feel like sharing

You take your time, but one evening after dinner while you're snuggled up by the fire you'll pull it out and start reading to her

The best audience you've ever had. She is honed in, hanging onto every word while she covers a very happy Pepi in scritches

As someone who fell in love with novels because they whisked her away into adventures she didn't feel important enough for otherwise, hearing you recount your shared story like this tugs on all of her heartstrings

She'll laugh and cry and gasp at all the right moments. From now on, she treats your journal like a sacred thing. After all, it's the most important story in the world

Lucio

He was already sneaking peeks over your shoulder when he was stuck to you as a not-ghost. Man has 0 concept of privacy

You knew he was looking because he was commenting on your handwriting and gossiping about any tidbits he thought were juicy

Considering how you barely knew him at that point, you didn't write in front of him again for a very, very long time

It actually created a lovely habit - at some point during the day, you'll take half an hour to yourself and journal

It's been months now and you've forgotten why you had the habit in the first place, so when it's raining one evening you just stay in the inn and write next to the fire

The difference in Lucio's approach speaks volumes. He asks what you're doing, and when you tell him, he asks if he can hear some of it

He makes no move to get up from where he's polishing his sword (it got wet)

He listens while you read, interjecting with a comment or two, perfectly content

He's a bit sheepish about what you had to write about him in the beginning, but hearing how much he's changed fills him with healthy pride. Oh, he adores you