#i promise you its so worth it to keep playing past 1-2

[hellishqueer]

god i miss DGS

[hbyrde36]

No Vacancy

Chapter 3: Out of Order

WC: 5248 | R: Explicit | CH: 3/12 | AO3 | Now Complete!

Ch 1 Ch 2

*CHRISSY*

Chrissy was hiding in her small office tucked in the back of the lobby, behind the front desk, hunched over in her chair and staring at the stack of bills that were threatening to overwhelm her. 

No sooner would she pay off one invoice than two more pop up in its place. They just kept on piling up no matter how hard she tried. 

She was alone for the moment, keeping an ear open and the door cracked to keep an eye on things while Robin was busy outside playing in the dirt with Steve. Chrissy didn't mind, though. it wasn’t as if they were that busy in the mornings. Someone just needed to be around on the off chance that one of their very few guests stopped in for some extra towels, or if by some miracle someone popped in needing a room.

She sighed.

If things didn’t pick up soon she didn’t know how they would make it through the coming winter, when business would grind to a halt as the weather cooled and the beaches were abandoned.

It was normal for a new business to struggle and Chrissy thought she’d budgeted well enough for the possibility but the motel had needed far more repairs than either she or Robin had anticipated—not to mention the fact that they had dropped the ball a little on advertising. 

They'd been too late in signing up for the local Community Guide, which meant they hadn’t been listed with the other hotels, motels, and b&b’s in town, and had only just gotten a tri-fold pamphlet printed and delivered to the welcome center on the way into town a few weeks ago.

For what it was worth, Robin did have a cousin who was getting into computers and promised to build them a website. They agreed to let him do it, mainly because it wasn’t going to cost them anything, but the internet was new and Chrissy doubted anything would come of it. 

No one would be booking vacations on there.

Suddenly Chrissy heard the main lobby door swing open, wincing as it slammed loudly into the wall from being thrown open too hard. 

And, that would be Robin.

They really needed to invest in some door stoppers.

Chrissy hastily grabbed the stack of mail that she’d been scowling at for the past forty five minutes and shoved it into her bottom drawer, just managing to get it closed again before Robin peeked her head in the doorway.

“How’s it going?” Robin asked.

Chrissy’s response died in her throat as she took in the other girl’s appearance with wide eyes.

Robin wore only a black sports bra and a pair of small electric blue running shorts, and her face was flushed the most lovely shade of pink. A side effect of the heat, the hard work, or both, but Chrissy couldn't take her eyes off the beads of sweat that ran down Robin’s chest to disappear between the well of her breasts.

“Chris?”

Oh, right. Robin had asked her a question. 

Shit.

“Fine, yup! All good here!” Chrissy giggled, the sound a little higher than usual. 

Her voice did that when she was nervous—and these days she was always a little nervous around Robin, terrified that her friend would realize that she had fallen head over heels in love with her.

Chrissy cleared her throat and changed the subject, trying to regain some dignity. “So, what did Steve have to say?”

Robin pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, shaking her head. “It wasn’t him. That asshole… I mean, your best friend, brought a hook-up back to their room.”

“He didn’t!” Chrissy gasped, throwing a hand over her mouth.

“Oh yes he did!” Robin said, eyes filled with murderous intent.

“Please don’t kill him.” Chrissy squeaked, nervous now for an entirely different reason. She knew how much Robin loved Steve, and how protective she could be of him. Why did Eddie have to be so predictably stupid! 

“I’m sorry, he can be such an idiot sometimes!”

Robin shook her head. “He’s safe, for now, but he’s on thin ice.”

“How did Steve take it?”

“He pretended like it was fine, but you know how he can be. He thinks Eddie hates him. I did finally get him to admit his crush out loud though.”

Chrissy rolled her eyes. “As if it was a big secret.”

Robin didn’t smile at the comment the way Chrissy thought she would, and was quiet for a long minute before she spoke again. 

“Do you think… maybe he’s right? Are we wrong about this?” Robin asked, tentatively.

The thing was, Chrissy knew her best friend better than he knew himself sometimes.

Eddie tried to present himself to the world as this hard, carefree, badass guy, when deep down he was the most sensitive soul she’d ever met. She knew he was growing homesick, in a way. Not for Hawkins or some other specific place exactly, but a connection, someone to call his own. 

He hadn’t said as much to her directly, but she could see it in his eyes and read it between the lines of his letters. He acted like love was the worst thing in the world, like he didn't need or want it, but she knew it was a lie. 

Everyone needs love. 

And Eddie—poor, sweet, beautiful, infuriating knucklehead that he could be, deserved it more than most. He’d been there for her, time after time, whenever she needed him, and God help her she was going to do this for him. 

This would work, she was sure of it, they just had to stick it out and hope Eddie got out of his own way. 

“No,” Chrissy answered eventually. “ we’re not wrong. Eddie’s just in denial and too stubborn for his own good. He pretends to forget who Steve is one minute, then complains non-stop about him the next, and yet can’t tell me a single thing Steve ever did directly to him except stare at him too hard. Which, of course, you and I both know was for gay reasons, and not because he wanted to beat him up.”

“Right, but does Eddie know that?”

“Fair point. But c’mon, Robin!” Chrissy stood, taking both of Robin’s hands and squeezing them. “I just know if they spend a little time together they’ll figure it out!”

Robin's face softened a bit, but she still looked a little skeptical. “Are you sure? Steve was trying to hide it but he was really upset. Maybe we should just tell them the truth.”

“Absolutely not Robin, are you kidding?!”Chrissy’s heart began pounding in her chest. “Eddie would never speak to me again if he knew I set him up like this!”

Robin stilled, and Chrissy felt all the blood drain from her face. 

“What is it?” She was almost afraid to ask.

“The sign, the no vacancy sign—Steve noticed and I panicked. Told him we were waiting for a maintenance guy to fix it.”

Okay, no need to freak out just yet.

“Did he believe you?” Chrissy asked.

“I think so? But honestly I’m kinda surprised they haven't caught on already since there's hardly ever anyone else around.”

“Because they’re both too distracted with each other to notice!” Chrissy insisted excitedly, even if she wasn’t feeling quite as confident as she was trying to sound. “See, our plan is working!”

“I hope you’re right.” Robin said, squeezing her hands back before finally stepping fully into the room and plopping down in the only other chair. She smelled like coconut tanning oil and sunshine.

Chrissy swallowed thickly. “D-did you send him to the laundromat on Broadway, like we talked about?”

Robin nodded. “Yeah. When did Eddie leave?”

“About 25 minutes ago,” Chrissy answered after checking her watch. “He should be just going into the dryer when Steve gets there. They’ll be stuck together for at least 45 minutes.”

“Okay.” Robin released a long breath, sinking down in her seat. “Let’s just hope this works.” 

*EDDIE*

Eddie felt like he’d been set up. 

Sure, it had all worked out fine, even if it did turn out that he was maybe, slightly, a little bit wrong about Steve Harrington. 

He’d heard the guy out and it’d all seemed genuine enough, but fuck, when Steve had walked into that laundromat so scantily clad—sweaty, smeared with dirt, and all that fucking chest hair peeking from under his tank top?

Eddie never stood a chance.

He could have resisted, probably, had the guy been even the slightest bit of a dick, but no, he had to be sweet, and charming, and a little bit pitiful, and oh god. 

Steve said that Eddie made him nervous. What a fucking notion. 

So yeah—he’d folded like a card table.

In the days following their impromptu lunch hangout, Eddie found that life in the motel room was still fraught with tension, it was just a different kind of tension now. 

He was suddenly glad for their opposing schedules on a whole new level. It turned out that the only thing worse than living with renowned asshole Steve Harrington, was finding out that he was in fact, not an asshole at all. He was thoughtful, kind, funny, and a little bit dorky, and so, so incredibly hot.

How could one afternoon have changed things so much?

Okay, fine. He’d been hot before, Eddie could admit that much to himself now, but being attracted to someone based solely off looks was a completely different problem than admiring the way Steve chewed on his lower lip when he was nervous, or the way he’d giggled anytime Eddie cracked a joke, even if it wasn’t remotely funny, and– 

Oh.

Oh shit.

Not good. 

This was not good.

Eddie hadn’t had a crush on a straight guy in years. Honestly he hadn’t had a crush on anyone in years, but that was by design. He’d been witness to heartache before and been there to pick up the pieces for his closest friend more than once. He had no interest in ever going through something like that again, least of all for himself, and It seemed to him that the best way to keep from getting your heart broken was to just not let your heart get involved in the first place. 

He needed a hookup and he needed it now. Anything to clear his mind of these thoughts of Steve.

Steve spread out beneath him, sun kissed thighs begging to be caressed.

Steve kissing him goodbye to the backdrop of the sunrise as he left for work.

Steve shooting him soft smiles through the mirror as they brushed their teeth side by side.

Eddie could deal with the horny thoughts, those were normal, but this domestic bliss fantasy bullshit?

That was more than he could handle. 

It was Saturday morning, about a week after the fateful day that Eddie had finally surrendered and given Steve a chance to explain himself. 

He woke slowly, stretching like a cat as he rolled over and opened his eyes for the first time that day. The sight that greeted him stole his breath away. 

Steve was still there, sitting up in his own bed, a pair of wire rimmed glasses perched on the end of his nose and a book resting in his hand. He didn’t seem to have noticed Eddie’s return to the land of the living yet, too engrossed in what looked like a romance novel of all things to notice Eddie's eyes on him. 

Unable to look away, he studied Steve openly while he had the chance, taking in the way his glasses—

Since when did Harrington wear glasses?

—complemented his face and made him look so much different, and somehow even more attractive than the teenage Steve he remembered. His hair was a mess, stuck up in all directions as though he had been fighting enemies in his sleep, but that only added to the cute factor. And though his bed was made, the blanket tucked in tighter than even the housekeeper could manage, Steve was still in his pajamas and just generally looked comfy and snuggly. 

Ugh, Snuggly?

Eddie coughed loudly, choking on the thought which finally managed to rouse the other man’s attention.

Steve smiled at him, wide and unguarded, eyes sparkling. 

Eddie’s stomach flipped, and he forced a yawn, trying to hide whatever it was his face might be doing. 

“Day off?” He forced out, throat dry from sleep and absolutely nothing else.

“Yeah.” Steve answered softly. “Coffee?”

Eddie nodded dumbly and sat up, shivering a little as the cool air hit his suddenly exposed chest. He never slept with a shirt on—truth be told he usually slept naked, but he didn’t think Steve would appreciate that.

Steve spun, stepping towards their small kitchen. “And, uh, how do you take it?” His voice sounded a little rough too. Maybe they had the air conditioning turned down too low or something. 

“Oh,” Eddie hesitated, he hadn’t expected to be like, waited on. “Um, just fix it how you’d make it for yourself.”

A moment later Steve was back, handing him a steaming mug and Eddie… Eddie didn’t know how to handle that.

No one had ever brought him coffee in bed before.

It did not seem like something that should have made his cock twitch with interest, but that’s what happened. He nearly spilled the cup, rushing to sit up straighter, shuffling around to make sure the mound of blankets in his lap would hide his predicament. 

He was half hard from being handed a cup of coffee. 

Pathetic. 

Mercifully, Steve began to talk, seemingly unaware of Eddie’s situation, and clearly felt more comfortable now after their day at the laundromat. As much as Eddie was struggling with his newfound and unfortunate attraction, he was glad. Steve looked so happy as he animatedly shared stories from his long days at the beach—missing children found safely after wandering off to make new friends, seagulls swooping down to steal an entire sandwich right out of a man’s hand, teenagers who thought they could sneak beer onto the beach in coolers without anyone noticing.  

He practically glowed, telling Eddie about it all as he walked around the room getting ready for the day, even shouting through the open bathroom door while he fixed his hair at one point, which was fucking adorable and definitely not helping.

Eddie didn’t even need to add much apart from a hum here or a single word answer there. Steve seemed to know somehow that he would need to carry the conversation until Eddie was more fully awake. Eddie was happy to let him do it, too. On top of being his normal not-a-morning-person self, he was kind of at a loss for words. 

Steve just kept surprising him. 

At one point though, the other man trailed off, looking at Eddie in that nervous way that he had before things had changed. “Did you maybe want to get lunch today? With me, I mean, and–uh, my treat this time. Only fair after last week." 

And Eddie had never been so glad that he had to work, and had a legitimate reason to say no. He didn’t want to be rude to the guy, not anymore. They were friendly now, if not exactly friends, but he couldn’t handle another afternoon in the face of Steve Harrington's charm until he got this thing under control and out of his system.

“Sorry, man. I would but it’s Saturday, I have to be at the bar early. I think I'd have to sell my soul to get a Saturday night off. It’s alright though, I make some of my biggest tips on weekends.”

“Oh.”

Steve looked so disappointed, and it was all so unexpected that without thinking Eddie quickly added, “next time though. I’m all yours.”

And immediately wished his bed would swallow him whole. 

Why did he have to say it like that?!

At least Steve didn’t seem to pick up on the flirtatious nature of the comment. He just smiled, nodded, and began pulling clothes out of his drawers. 

That was it for Eddie, the last straw. He finally jumped out of bed, leaving the remainder of his coffee to go cold on the night stand as he hightailed it to the bathroom and slammed the door without another word. He needed a shower anyway, and he definitely did not need to watch Steve get dressed.

Eddie turned on the spray and once the water warmed up, stepped into the shower, letting the warm water pour over him as he lightly banged his head into the wall over and over again. 

This was an absolute nightmare. 

To make matters worse, he’d always had a bit of an overactive imagination but today it had a mind of its own, leaving him fully hard and aching within seconds—overwhelmed by fantasies of Steve sneaking into the bathroom and slipping into the shower behind him. His big hands reaching around to grasp firmly onto Eddie's cock, as his own hardness was pressed firmly against his ass. 

He could practically feel it.

Eddie moaned involuntarily and took himself in hand, setting a brutal pace right from the start. He threw the other hand over his mouth, terrified of what might come spilling out, of what Steve might be able to hear when he was just on the other side of the thin wall. 

Of course, the idea that the other man might hear him was apparently a major fucking turn on, and Eddie resorted to biting down on the heel of his hand to stop himself from shouting Steve’s name as he came in spurts, painting the wall of the shower with his release in record time. 

He hadn’t even caught his breath yet when there was a knock on the bathroom door.

Fuck. 

Eddie’s heart hammered in his chest like he'd been running a marathon, but he tried to sound as normal as possible when he called out, “Yeah?”

Steve's hesitant voice carried through the door. “Sorry, I just wanted to let you know I was gonna head out. Robin said something about painting a shed today, figured I would go help her since you're busy.”

Eddie rested his forehead against the cool tile and squeezed his eyes shut. Relieved that Steve hadn’t heard what he was up to, but—what he was supposed to say? And was he crazy or did Steve sound genuinely sad that Eddie had to work?

A long beat of silence went by where Eddie assumed Steve must have left, but eventually his voice came again from the other side of the door. “I’ll uh, see you around?”

“Yeah, okay! See you around, Steve!” Eddie shouted back, feeling a little like an idiot, and a creep.

He waited until he heard the outer door close to finally relax and begin the process of actually showering. He washed quickly, but took care to condition his hair a little longer than usual so he could work his best feature to its full advantage later that night. He was even more sure now that he needed to fuck or be fucked by someone else, anyone else, a soon as possible, before this thing about Steve got out of hand. 

In that same interest, Eddie took his time getting dressed. He was working, ultimately, so his outfit choices were limited, but his uniform of sorts had worked just fine for him before. Again pulled on his tightest black jeans with the rips in the thighs and his cropped work tee—he even added a few extra rings to really draw attention to his deft fingers. After smoothing some product through his hair, he called it done, deciding to leave his curls down for the night for good luck.

Eddie was on the prowl all night, as much as he could be anyway when he was stuck behind the bar mixing drinks and pouring out beer after god-awful beer. He might have grown up in a trailer park, but even he thought Bud Light was an atrocity. 

This Saturday was even busier than the last, meaning Eddie was being run absolutely ragged, but that also meant it didn’t take long for him to find a perfect willing target for his mission. 

He was a pretty young thing, with bouncy chestnut hair and hazel eyes that kept catching Eddie’s own from across the room with a shy little smile. 

Eventually pretty-boy made his way up the bar, getting a round for himself and his friends. He was shy at first, blushing and stumbling over his words as he attempted to rattle off his order, but opened up beautifully once Eddie started peppering him with compliments. 

Though the young man’s style was a little preppy for Eddie’s taste, he still laid it on thick, telling him how good he looked in his shirt, how the color set off his tan. And he might have been talking out of his ass, but it was working!

By the third round of drinks he’d managed a lingering arm touch and flustered pretty-boy into a whole new shade of red. He also found out that his name was Evan.

Unfortunately, somewhere around midnight Eddie got slammed and lost track of his hopeful conquest for over an hour. 

When he finally came back up for air, and the line was no longer three deep in all directions, Eddie took a look around, bummed to find that the corner Evan and his friends had been hanging out in all night was now empty. 

The idea briefly crossed his mind to try and find someone else to play with tonight, but it was nearing closing time, and if he got a head start on his side-work at least he could get home early and get some sleep.

He began to clean, and had his back turned, putting clean cups away, when he heard someone plop down a bunch of empty pint glasses on the bar behind him. He groaned, turning, ready to be annoyed but was pleasantly surprised to find that it was Evan.

“Hey there sweet thing, I thought you left without saying goodbye. Another round?”

“No, thanks, um,” Evan stuttered out. “My friends left a little while ago. I just thought maybe I'd help out a little by bringing these up here.”

Eddie smirked, raising an eyebrow. “You wanted to help out, Is that right? Any particular reason you wanted to help get me off as quickly as possible?”

The younger man blushed for what had to be the dozenth time that night, looking adorably nervous. For a second it reminded Eddie of Steve and Christ, he had to knock that shit off right now.

He took pity on Evan and poured him one last drink on the house, sitting him down at the end of the bar where he would have the best view while Eddie bent and stretched as he reset the bar for the next day. Anytime he looked up Evan’s eyes were glued to his body and Eddie knew he had hit his mark well.

He couldn’t believe he was going to have to do this again. 

When the bar finally closed, Eddie had tried to convince Evan to bring him back to his own hotel room, but apparently pretty-boy was a poor college student sharing a single room with no less than six other guys, and not even in a sexy way.

He had no other choice but to take him home. 

Finally feeling a little more comfortable, or perhaps loosened up by the last drink Eddie had given him, Evan talked a bit about himself as they walked towards the Buckingham—telling Eddie how he was the only gay guy in his friend group but that they all knew and accepted him.

It stunned Eddie a little to hear first hand how things were changing for people like him. They still had a very long way to go and he doubted they would ever be fully welcomed in the mainstream of society, but inch by inch people were opening their minds to different lifestyles and possibilities. If frat boy Evan from North Carolina could find a group of friends willing to accept his sexuality, then maybe there was hope for the future.

As happy as Eddie was for him and his support system, he really needed the guy to stop talking. This hook up was starting to feel a little too much like a date, and that was not the objective here. 

At the next opportunity Eddie took matters into his own hands, pulling the other man into a dark alley between buildings, and crashing their lips together.

Pretty-boy quickly grew long and hard against his thigh and Eddie smiled into the kiss, breaking it soon after so they could complete their journey—at a much more reasonable pace this time and one hundred percent less talking. 

When they reached the motel, Eddie—once again—slipped into his and Steve’s room while his guest waited outside. 

He crept quietly across the floor until he was right next to Steve’s bed—no idea why he was being so careful when he was going to wake the guy anyway, but he couldn’t seem to help it.

Eddie reached down to shake Steve’s shoulder, trying and failing not to look at the other man’s face as he scrunched his nose and slowly roused, taking a deep breath and letting his eyes flutter open.

He smiled softly as his eyes fell on Eddie, but the happy expression dissolved quickly as he seemed to realize what was going on. Eddie was taken aback for a second, not sure what that was about, but decided Steve was probably just annoyed at being kicked out again. 

Which was fair.

Steve rolled out of bed, blanket in hand, and headed straight for the door, looking everywhere but at him.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie found himself saying to the other man’s back as he followed.

“Don’t worry about it.” Steve threw the words over his shoulder, not stopping or turning around.

Eddie’s throat tightened, a weird chill working its way up his spine. He almost called out for Steve to come back, though he didn’t really know why or what he’d say. In the end he kept his mouth shut and stuck to the plan. 

It was better this way. 

He would get this shit out of his system so he could be normal around Steve. He could make it up to him later for interrupting his sleep. 

It would be fine.

Eddie took his time with this one. 

No amount of rushed blowjobs against a wall were going to do what he needed done. He needed to fuck, deep and hard. 

They started out slow, making out for a while but eventually ending up with Evan on all fours while Eddie worked fingers into his hole, getting him warmed up and stretched out, brushing over that sweet spot inside of him. 

It wasn’t long before it became too much and Evan’s arms gave out, sending him face down into the mattress—not that either of them were complaining—and Eddie wasted no time rolling a condom on and getting himself lubed up. 

He bottomed out quickly and easily after the prep work and was soon pounding into Evan's hole with reckless abandon until the other man was a drooling mess and they both shouted their release.

Eddie pulled out carefully, collapsing to the bed beside Evan as he relearned how to breathe—tears he couldn't quite hold back suddenly pricking at the corners of his eyes.

This was getting out of hand now.

He’d been doing fine at first, enjoying the various moans and whimpers he pulled from the other man, until he realized with sudden horror that Evan looked a lot like Steve. Once he’d seen it, he couldn’t unsee it, and by the end it was only by the skin of his teeth that Eddie managed to cum with a wordless sound and not the wrong name falling from his lips.

He wanted to scream. 

Eddie was losing his damn mind and that was the only excuse he had for why he allowed Evan to scoop him into his arms and hold him as he silently cried. If the other man noticed his tears, he was polite enough to ignore it—a gesture Eddie was incredibly grateful for—and in a moment of weakness, or maybe in return for Evan’s kindness, when his cheeks finally dried, Eddie offered to walk him back to his hotel.

But first he had to find Steve and let him know the coast was clear. 

It was awkward as hell striding up to Steve where he sat by the pool this time. Eddie felt guilty about the fact that he had just cum for the second time that day with his roomate on his mind. 

He had a hand out ready to nudge Steve awake but found he already was—staring off into the distance with a dazed look.

“Hey, are you okay?” Eddie asked.

Steve startled, all but throwing himself from the chair, and with arms wrapped tightly around his middle he finally looked up to meet Eddie’s gaze. His face was puffy, eyes red rimmed like maybe he’d been crying too. Or maybe Eddie was just projecting.

“I’m good, um, fine,” Steve said, rocking back on his heels. “I guess this means I can go back to bed now?”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathed, the word, hooking a thumb over his shoulder. “I'm uh, just gonna walk Evan back, so the room is all yours again.”

“Evan, right.” Steve mumbled, moving past to head towards the stairs.

Eddie followed. “Thanks, by the way. For being so cool about all this.”

Steve stilled, pausing his stride though he didn’t look back. “Like I said, don’t worry about it, Eddie.”

Evan’s hotel wasn’t far from the Buckingham, so it didn’t take long to get there. They didn’t really speak as they walked—Evan looked tired and frankly too fucked out to care, and Eddie’s head was too much of a mess to make small talk.

They shared a passionless goodnight kiss at the hotel’s front gate, and then Evan was gone, and Eddie was left alone with his thoughts.

It was the last place he wanted to be. 

He made his way back to the motel growing more furious at himself with every step, even taking his anger out on a very full trash can at one point, toppling it over and sending garbage spilling all over a neatly manicured lawn. 

No one would be around to see at this hour, but still he ran, and kept on running until his legs burned and he was too out of breath to continue. He’d passed the Buckingham a while back but just kept going. He wanted—no—he needed to make sure Steve would be asleep before he went back, he could not face him again right now. 

When Eddie did finally make his way home, Steve was softly snoring.

Exhausted, both mentally and physically, he stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, finding that his sheets now smelled like a stranger. The whole room smelled wrong, in fact. Where before the air had held a mixture of his and Steve’s natural scents, with a hint of the fancy cologne that the other man would sometimes wear, now it was tinged with sex and regret.

Chapter 4

Special thanks to @penny00dreadful 😘

@manda-panda-monium @every-aj-needs-an-angel @hellion-child @dreamwatch @brbsoulnomming @epiclazershark @estrellami-1 @lokfae @raisedbylibrarians @impala314 @meganwinchester @kacatshi @warlordess @eddie-munsons-lunchbox @garden-of-gay

As always just let me know if you want to be added to or removed from the tag list!

[sourrcandy]

KNIGHTS ; an update ↳ bc it's been 2 years since i began this wip

psd by @destimnesia

draft status. draft 1 ver 3 (aka the hoedition)

act 1 wc. 40,849

total wc. 51,709

more under the cut. bc goddamn this turned out to be a long post

the synopsis.

citizens of arkridge city call them puppeteers, rulers, monsters. fear is a weapon the round table wields with ease, but when the godfather of arkridge is murdered, the city is reminded that they, too, are only human.

with a multi-billion dollar inheritance and the fate of their father’s kingdom on the line, the nine clemonte children must navigate this elaborate arkridge game before the killer brings the city to its knees.

major updates.

i'm posting 2 different word counts because i write out of order and some scenes are done ahead of time since i have inspiration for those chapters!! the outline is planned for 3 acts so knights is predicted to be around 120k words in total.

after a long think (i wrote it down on actual paper instead of my notion) about all the characters and their motivations, i have decided to keep SELENA away from the main plot and only mention her briefly with she is 'out of town'. because she contributes nothing, her motivations are the same as aredhel's, and her actions can be covered by other characters.

so far our character motivations are :

serafine — to become ceo of clemonte corporations without the responsibility of her father's dirty empire + out of reginald's shadow

theodore — to be free from his promise / responsibility to reginald and forge his own path

aredhel — to prove her worth to being part of the family

violet — to tear down the clemontes' long legacy of being the roots of arkridge city's underworld and rebuild it in her own image

maribelle — to find the truth behind reginald's murder and change the city for the better with her experiences in the less wealthy districts before she was adopted

colette — to support her family no matter to cost and use the clemonte's influence to grow into herself

sage — to renovate the family and surpass her father's legacy

storm — to prove her worth to sage and simultaneously find her individuality away from sage

selena — in her overseas exchange era oops

side character updates.

blackbird — nothing major changing!! he is still going to be playing his part with bringing storm out of her shell while achieving his own means through her. act 2 is going to be more focused on why the round table and the kumiho gang have butted heads continuously and explain his motives on teaming up with storm

kit — he is going to be somewhat like sera's younger self -> hopeful, over-achieving, and taught to be accountable. BUT he is going to have a much more strict moral code and helps sera stray away from the cruel path knights usually take

morgan — i think i wrote her out to be more insane than she should, almost comical ngl. so i'm going to explore more of her genius / intelligence in act 2 to show that she is not just an insane person and delve more into her past with reginald

marcus — i have been pretty vague about marcus in act 1 bc it is mainly showing his dynamic / relationship with aredhel. he is going to enable a lot of aredhel's actions later on so i'm hoping to explore his motives subtly through the main characters before act 3

some of my favourite lines from knights so far.

finally. thank you to everyone (and ppl in wtw) who continuously showed interest in knights and for motivating me!! i know it's been a long ride and trust me, it's going to be a longer journey bc i am a slow writer. also kudos to mole and nicole for all your help / comments on my hoedition draft, it's what keeps me going <3

general taglist. @kazino @serpentarii @seasteading @lasbrumas @sympathyhouse @halcionic @janaisvu

knights taglist. @redbloodprose @writeblrfantasy @innocentlymacabre

— send an ask / put in tags to be added/removed.

[19thperson]

19th's Steam Next Fest Impressions Day 6

Day 0/Day 1/Day 2/Day 3/Day 4/Day 5

Touhou Gensou Mahjong

This game is... not an entry-level game. or at least it isn't right now. The tutorial and the single-player adventure mode meant to ease players in isn't in the demo. further, a lot of stuff has been left untranslated. Both in terms of "instead of calling it 'a win', it's called 'agari,'" and in terms of "the entire hand list is still entirely in kanji." So whatever is left is for severe mahjong heads.

And what is there for severe mahjong heads is interesting.

Every character has their own cheat skill, and most do match up with characters. Cirno freezes your hand, so you can only draw and discard. Sanae gets wind tiles free at the start of a round. Reimu can just shield up and say, "You can't take or win off my tiles for 3 turns." Add each table having different universal rules as well, and there's a lot of variations in play.

The game had net play, but I wasn't able to test it.

On Your Tail

Classical Cozy Mystery. You're a detective who has suffered a traffic accident while crossing through a beautiful seaside italian town. While waiting for your vespa to be repaired, you get embroiled in a series of crimes caused by a mysterious masked thief.

The main mechanic for mystery solving is your chronolens, a magnifying glass that shows what an area looked like in the near past. Spot differences between past and present to get clue cards. Once you have all the clues, you need to arrange them in order to recreate the crime.

The main issue with this is that it's easy to guess your way to a correct answer without understanding anything, but it was a tutorial case, so I assume later ones will have more to chew on.

Aside from solving mysteries, you explore the town and interact with inhabitants, sometimes doing minigames with them. Apparently, there's going to be some relationship meter/social link system, but the demo didn't show it off.

I like that knocking on random doors actually gives you conversations with characters that have names and profile pictures. It's looking like it'll be a really expansive cast. This game has real promise.

Caravan SandWitch

An open world exploration game. You play as a girl named Sauge who returns from living offworld on the incredibly creatively named "Space City" to her birth planet of Caligo, because she got a distress signal from her missing sister.

The gameplay loop in the demo is mostly exploring the surroundings for machine components, parkouring over the landscape and doing a couple simple quests.

Setting is the star here. The planet seems to have been extensively strip mined for resources by "The Consortium," but they've either been ousted or abandoned the place, while those who remain are trying to build a self sufficient society and repair the ecosystem.

The thing is, unlike a lot of solarpunk games, they are pretty straightforward that the entire arrangement... kinda sucks? better than living under the thumb of a megacorp, but things are barely holding together. And its repeatedly stated that you aren't the only one who has split looking for actual work.

Since the demo is so short its mostly a tone piece, and the tone is... familiar yet melancholic.

Also there are funny little frog guys.

If the primary thing you are looking for in a game is interesting exploration, it seems worth keeping an eye on.

Moon Mystery

I start the demo. Our protagonist is on what seems to be mars. He looks up to the sky and says:

"The Black Hole is getting closer! I gotta run!"

There is, in fact, a large black hole in the sky. I do not think this is a problem we can run from, but run we do, as debris is dragged into the sky.

I then come across enemy robots that the game prompts me to shoot in a combat tutorial. But I have no health bar nor take damage, so I just walk up and shoot at point blank range.

This continues until he jumps in a portal, and then he wakes up in his bed. It was a dream. And I just think, "Oh, that's why it was stupid."

Anyways the real story is that you are on a moon research mission, your two other companions got really sick after encountering The Mysterious Crystals, and you've lost contact with earth for a week. After seeing a calender that reminds him of his awful son's birthday, he decides "I'll go to the old abandoned base that my friend got deathly sick at to see if there's a way to connect to earth"

After a short drive on a space buggy where I don't get to the base, it fades out, and I'm cut to a later level.

It's a farther farther future space station, no moon in sight, and the goddamn dream robots are back.

I shoot through them and find a star wars ass spaceship that our protag says he trained on, and then I'm introduced to horrible ship combat.

Then the game crashed on me.

Bo: Path of the Teal Lotus.

The Hollow Knight influence is strong with this one, and not just because it's a metroidvania where you play as a little guy with murder in his heart.

It's because of the pogo. They've turned that dynamic into the core of its combat.

Not only does hitting an enemy in midair allow you to air stall/propell yourself upward if you're aiming down, but each time you do an air hit, you reset all your air actions: double jumps, air dashes, more slashes, etc. The game incentivizes playing The Floor is Lava with an air combo meter. Filling it up allows you to launch a powered up version of your projectile that I never used because pogoing was so fun.

Of course, the main balancing factor to all these air actions now is that you can no longer pogo off spikes.

The main problem with the game isn't a problem with the game itself but just its release window. In a vacuum it's fine but.

Nine Sols is right there.

(Not that the Japanese mythology theming in Bo and the Taoist theming in Nine Sols is interchangeable, just that they're both combat centric metroidvanias. And Nine Sols has a parry.)

[lovesongbracket]

Reminder: Vote based on the song, not the artist or specific recording! The tracks referenced are the original artist, aside from a few rare cases where a cover is the most widely known.

Lyrics, videos, info, and notable covers under the cut. (Spotify playlist available in pinned post)

The Only Exception

Written By: Josh Farro & Hayley Williams

Artist: Paramore

Released: 2009

“The Only Exception” the third single from Paramore’s brand new eyes was co-written between Hayley Williams and Josh Farro at a time when the band was a quintet, the song is a soft ballad, which provides musical diversity to the album. Hayley Williams explained to Kerrang! in 2009: “I’ve never written lyrics like this before. The first verse is about where I think the fear to be open or vulnerable started. Ever since the first story in Kerrang!, everyone has known about my family issues and domestic whatever, it’s something that’s kinda stayed with me and I’ve learned from. I played this song to my mom and there were tears. It was kind of embarrassing.” Hayley Williams told Alternative Press in 2010: “This is the first love song I’ve ever written. And even if I’ve tried in the past, this is the first one that I’m really proud of. I like that I was able to express the fact that I have always been really afraid of love – and I still am at times – but the excitement and the hope that it exists is still very evident in the lyrics. So it’s not like I’m a total cynic! Love is a good thing, kids.” In terms of its success as a single, it notably reached 24th on the US Billboard’s Top 100 and 31st on the UK’s Single Chart.

[Verse 1] When I was younger I saw my daddy cry And curse at the wind He broke his own heart and I watched As he tried to reassemble it And my momma swore that she would Never let herself forget And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist [Chorus] But darling You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception [Verse 2] Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul That love never lasts And we've got to find other ways to make it alone Or keep a straight face And I've always lived like this Keeping a comfortable distance And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content With loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk [Chorus] Well, you are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception [Bridge] I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't Let go of what's in front of me here I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream Whoa-oh-oh [Chorus] You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception [Outro] And I'm on my way to believing Oh, and I'm on my way to believing

So This Is Love

Written By: Paul J. Smith, Al Hoffman, Mack David & Jerry Livingston

Artist: Ilene Woods & Mike Douglas for Cinderella

Released: 1950

"So This Is Love" is a 1948 song composed by Al Hoffman, Mack David, and Jerry Livingston. It was written for Walt Disney's Cinderella, in which it was performed by Ilene Woods and Mike Douglas. It is sung by the characters of Cinderella and Prince Charming as they dance with each other at the ball. Composed in 3/4 time (also known as waltz time), a secondary title, "The Cinderella Waltz", appears in parenthesis next to or beneath the song's main name on many editions of sheet music. Prior to the Hoffman, David, and Livingston trio joining the film, songs for Cinderella were written by Larry Morey and Charles Walcott, with a song entitled "Dancing on a Cloud" intended for the ball scene. However, their songs would be scrapped. The song does not appear in Disney's 2015 live-action adaptation of the film, replaced instead with 19th-century inspired waltzes and polkas written by cinematic composer Patrick Doyle. Ilene Woods also commercially recorded the song with RCA Victor in 1949 to help promote the film's release the next year. It has since been performed by artists such as Vaughn Monroe, Vera Lynn, James Ingram, and Dave Brubeck, amongst others.

[CINDERELLA] Mmmmmm Mmmmmm So this is love Mmmmmm So this is love So this is what makes life divine I'm all aglow Mmmmmm And now I know [PRINCE] And now I know [CINDERELLA & PRINCE] The key to all heaven is mine [CINDERELLA] My heart has wings Mmmmmm And I can fly [CINDERELLA & PRINCE] I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky So this is the miracle That I've been dreaming of [CINDERELLA] Mmmmmm [PRINCE] Mmmmmm [CINDERELLA & PRINCE] So this is love

[thinkingandthonking]

Dealing with Cravings and Urges - Part 3: The Direct Experience Approach

[Part 1 here]

[Part 2 here]

Part 3: “Game of chicken”

The previous methods have been a bit evasive. In the end, most of us fear our cravings, we fear direct confrontation since we know the discomfort, defeat, shame and disappointment it can bring, sometimes after hundreds of attempts.

This method is for when you’re sick of playing games, want to use brute force, to go head on into the craving to unravel it from within… but it might not be as “macho” as it seems at first.

Consider cravings as a sort of seemingly impenetrable wall that we “bounce off of” in the direction they point us. As soon as the craving arises, we are redirected AWAY from it, towards what it claims will “fulfill us and free us of the discomfort” (that it itself brings and promises to continue bringing. Carrot and stick.)

What actually happens if we crash into that wall without bouncing? Is it really made of iron, or cardboard?

The next time a craving arises, intend to meet it DIRECTLY. Stop all other processes, shrink your perception down until NOTHING but the craving or urge matters. Until it’s the only experience worth feeling.

How is it expressed? What does the craving actually feel like, when it’s not just movement towards a future result, or thoughts ABOUT the craving, or interpretations of it, or stories and memories about it, or all the other secondary things arising as a response to it?

What is the most direct and immediate experience of the craving? What does it feel like in the body? Really examine it closely, almost microscopically. Where does it start, where does it end, how is it CHANGING moment to moment? Is it really just one thing, or an entire living process?

Are there parts of it that actually feel strangely good, or neutral? Are there parts of it that grow or shrink or pulse? It's not necessary to DESCRIBE every sensation it involves, but try not to let the first impression of it be the ONLY one. Keep looking, deeper and deeper.

The next part is the real tricky one… What happens if we don’t fight or run away from it? What happens if we don’t give in to its demands, but still DO try to support and fulfill it DIRECTLY?

It’s a sensation. The story in our heads, even the framing of this post, gives it so much identity and “motive force”, making it into its own entity. But in direct experience, it’s simply a sensation that we find uncomfortable.

It doesn’t KNOW (and neither does the mind that interprets and reacts to it) exactly what it needs, how it works, what will free IT and US. We just have a limitied, narrow idea, based on past experience, of what alleviates the suffering temporarily.

So try to get as absolutely close and intimate with that sensation, not intellectually through observation and thought but by FEELING it, embracing it, letting it in or diving deeper into it.

There may be that feeling of an “impenetrable wall” again, of resistance and discomfort, as if there's nothing else beyond this, "That's all this craving is". This time though it might be easier to get through it with softness rather than hardcore willpower.

Everyone has different words for these kind of approaches - Loving kindness, Metta, compassion, self-care, acceptance, etc. I write this as someone “overly analytical” who finds these “sappy, affectionate” methods difficult to approach or explain without it sounding too floaty…

But practically speaking, the effect is undeniable when it works. One of the most shockingly impactful, almost psychedelic, and can cause a deep change in how we live.

Many teachers even suggest a "mothering" approach, seeing the sensation as a fragile, scared and lashing out being - either a child or a frightened animal, something you care about but in this difficult situation it's hard to GIVE that care and it's hard for the being to receive it.

The simplest and most direct is to simply be with it, give it your undivided attention without rejecting it, giving into it, running from it, fighting it, or holding it at a distance. Simply intimacy and compassionately waiting with it until it tires out and softens on its own. Like sitting with a friend who is crying and screaming in anguish, and just being there for them until they're ready for a hug. Not forcing it on them.

Whatever sort of “softness” resonates with you, whatever intention lets you be in touch with that sensation in the LEAST combative way possible, lets you befriend and support it - Try that for a while.

Then, when the sensation is TRULY accepted as it is (and not as the story of it that makes us bounce AWAY from it) - that internal wall of resistance can just dissolve, seemingly out of nowhere, and you sink deeper and deeper into that sensation while the outer layer of “discomfort” washes away.

The feeling at the core of the craving can be unlike anything you ever imagined it to be.

There’s a lot more to this approach and a lot of good teachers that explain it thoroughly, but if this kind of directness appeals to you or you’ve experienced it and you’d like to discuss it more feel free to message me. Any questions and thoughts here are welcome too!

Next method will be more broad and philosophical in nature, ramping up in complexity, but can also serve as an extension of this one.

[skiyoosmi]

post-break up heartaches

verse 1. in the car that used to drive us to our home

⤷ kuroo tetsurou, oikawa tooru — more characters coming soon

⤷ verse 2 | verse 3

⤷ play. never let me go by ghostly kisses, forget about us by clinton kane

commissions: open

⇢ KUROO sighs for the umpteenth time of the day. he was so fucking exhausted and his body's about to give in to sleep any moment now. work has been beating his ass; there was this newbie who kept on messing up the documents needed by the board and for the whole day, he had to be the one to fix said issues. it's not like he wasn't paid enough for that; if anything, his paycheck was one of the most beautiful things he laid his eyes on— but god, even his body has its own limits and yet...

"ya.... yer not supposed to do this anymore. y-ya left me, remember?" you slurred, index finger pointing right at his chest as he circled his arms around your waist, huffing as you practically dropped all your weight on him. here he was, suddenly given the task of having to take you home after your supposed-to-be designated driver, miya fucking atsumu, also drank his brains out with you.

"be patient. still heartbroken because of you, y'know?" kenma softly tells him despite the tipsy feeling lurking in the back of his mind, shaking his head as he looked at you, whose system finally shut down and were now dozing off in the black haired man's arms.

"..... still?" he mumbles, looking down at your figure and he feels his heart contract with pain all over again.

"you can't expect her to be fine immediately, kuroo. it was your wedding day, supposed to be the greatest day of her life and yet it became the worst one... you left her at the altar alone."

he didn't reply anything— or rather, he was unable to. because what can he say to refute the truth? nothing. instead, he proceeded to his car with you still in his hold. he places you on the passenger seat, locking the seatbelts before jogging to the driver's side.

the car ride was calm as you slept soundly with your head occasionally hitting the window lightly as it swayed from side to side. he was sure as hell that if you were sober right now, you wouldn't even have the thought of seeing him cross your mind. he just knows for sure that you despise him with your whole being... at least, that's what he thought until...

"i'm sorry, tetsu. please come back," you whimper in your seat, voice quiet but he heard it nonetheless, "tell me what i did wrong so i can fix it."

the pitiful sounds and mumbles you made struck kuroo right in the heart and which makes him pull over an empty but safe road, just a block away from your (previously shared) apartment. looking over your form, he finds himself reaching out to touch your face, caressing your cheeks as drops of tears fell down slowly on them, "you didn't do anything wrong. you were fine. you were so perfect."

you squint your eyes at him, probably wondering if this was real or just a part of your drunken imagination. nonetheless, you hiccuped, "y-you... you left me and i... i still can't even bring myself to hate you... i just wanna ask you why? i just want to understand."

he thought he also knew the reason why but every single time he thinks about it, he's only led to one conclusion: because he was a coward. no way was this any of your fault— it's definitely not your fault that right at that moment, as he stared at the mirror, wearing the black suit you chose for him, the sudden fear of commitment loomed over him. it's not like it was your fault he suddenly got scared of losing you the way his parents lost each other. but now he thinks it's ironic, because he lost you anyway.

maybe... just maybe, if he had just met you where you stood at the altar, instead of leaving you alone in it, maybe he would've been happier. maybe his days would've started more with a smile from you as you helped him fix his necktie before going to work. maybe, the working hours he spends in the shitty corporate world would've been more worth it if it meant he can come home to you at the end of the day. maybe... maybe he wouldn't have to be stuck with this lump in his throat as he wonders what could've been happening if he just chose to show up and vowed his life to you.

but he didn't.

"i realized i wasn't just ready to tie my life with anyone yet. that's all there is to it, yn."

so with a heavy feeling stuck in his chest and a quiet promise to never see you again for the sake of not hurting you further, he starts the car's engine again, ignoring the words you replied but he was sure they will haunt him for a very long time... again.

i can wait for you no matter how long it takes, tetsu, you know that.

⇢ OIKAWA gives you what seems like a guilty smile as he stands in front of you, opening his arms and gesturing you to come closer. but the stoic expression on your face takes him back to the reality that the last thing you wanted to do today was to actually fetch him from the airport. it just so happens that his three best friends were caught up with work that they had no choice but to send you, the main ex-bestfriend slash ex-girlfriend, to him.

why did you agree when you practically loathe him with your whole being? well, it was probably because you weren't the devil who would reject your friends when they were literally on their knees as they begged you and for some reason, you thought he'll look pitiful going back to his home country after five years with no one to welcome him. yeah, that's it. it's not like you're still in love with him or anything.

"my car's just around the corner," you begrudgingly walk towards the car park with him quietly following. at the moment, he knew better than to get on your nerves or else there would be war. he hates that this happened to the both of you but he can't blame anyone else but himself. because who wouldn't hate their ex-boyfriend if they suddenly broke up with them over a phone call?

tension filled the car as you both sat beside each other. perhaps, this was what other people were talking about when they say that it's impossible for exes to be friends again, to not feel any awkwardness because you were sure as hell that the word "awkward" was an understatement of your situation right now. nevertheless, your eyes couldn't help but wander to his figure as he adjusted his body, opting for a more comfortable position in the passenger's seat.

he looked more youthful and you felt bittersweet— proud that his whole aura screams of "success" which meant that gone were the days where he longed to get that winter cup trophy, nor the times when he overworked himself and put a strain on his knee which led to countless arguments with you. if anything, he looked happier and it sucks because you're not even close to feeling that way... not without him.

"i heard you've finally gotten yourself your own condominium? that's great, yn!" he exclaimed as soon as you began driving to your destination, a hope lit within him that maybe you might just respond to him. just one smile, that's all i need, he thinks.

but you remain focused on your driving, choosing to reply with a single nod and a soft "yeah..."

disappointment fills his heart as he faces the truth that your relationship has really been ruined, along with your friendship. all because he was foolish to think that he couldn't handle the physical distance between you two. realization dawns upon him that he just made that same distance worse as you pull your heart further away from him.

"... i actually bought it for the two of us, you know?" he whips his head to your direction in surprise, heart clenching as he watch you let out a sad chuckle, "i just... i thought it would be nice if we had a place to permanently stay at and for you to have a home to go to when you're at japan. but yeah... i guess things doesn't go our way sometimes, does it?"

"i'm sor—"

"it's okay. i'm fine now," you quickly reply, shaking your head but keeping your eyes on the road. he tries to ignore the tears that start to form in them because he has no right to stop them, knowing full well that he was the one who caused them in the first place.

as if on cue, you halt your vehicle in front of a familiar apartment and much to your dismay, you find yourself looking back in the past when you used to live in that same place, making wonderful memories with the chocolate haired lad with you. you clear your throat to stop the sob that desperately attempts to escape your throat, "uhm... we're here."

"oh, yeah. we're here," he numbly states, already missing you despite the mere inches of space separating the two of you. you just felt so far away and he hates it. but this was the path he chose so he gets out of your car along with his things, turning to you once more, "uhh... thanks for the ride, yn. i know you probably hate me but yeah... it's very nice of you to put that past us and i guess i just want to say sorry for hurting you... i just..."

"i don't hate you, tooru," you softly tell him, "i just don't want anything to do with you anymore. to see you this happy, without me, is like a slap in the face because i'm not. it still hurts and i'm not fine. i just hope this will be the last time we'll see each other. be safe on your trip back to argentina. welcome home."

and with that, you start the car's engine again, no longer having the energy nor the strength to hear his reply. but he wishes you did because as he watches your car drive further away from him, he can't help but wish that he can take back time so that you don't have to go to that condominium and instead, go inside the home you once shared with him.

but i'm not happy, yn. because how could i call this place my home when you're not here with me?

at that moment, unbeknownst to the two hearts that long for each other break at the same time, you finally let out the tears and cries that you've been keeping since you saw him, knowing that no matter how much you try, you'll never be as happy as you were with him— simply because he left you with a hole in your heart that no one else can fill.

© SKIYOOSMI, 2021. reposting, translating, editing, copying and any kind of plagiarism are strictly prohibited, thank you.

[miyagihawk]

why’d you only call me when you’re high? pt. 2 | eli “hawk” moskowitz x reader

part one

here’s part 2 by popular demand! based off the arctic monkeys song and amazing request by @deadbeatharlz <3 thank you guys for the support on part 1 im so happy you liked it :)

warnings: self harming behavior, LOTS of swearing, alcohol and drug abuse, sooo so angstyyyy buckle up

summary: it’s been 3 months since your last night with hawk, and you haven’t been yourself.

word count: 3,062



The past 3 months have been rough. Maybe the worst you’ve ever been. You fell into the deep hole that you dug yourself. The hole of loving Hawk Moskowitz.

You never thought you’d be one of those people who let unrequited love devastate their whole being. In fact you always thought the whole heartbreak thing was pathetic and melodramatic. Until it happened to you.

You hate yourself for letting him have this effect on you. But there’s a pestering voice in the back of your mind that reminds you: it’s all your fault. He didn’t ask you to love him. It’s just easier to blame him for your downfall.

Parties, drugs, alcohol. Sex with people you don’t even know. High on the same drug that compelled him to call you in the night.

You’ve become so desperate to forget him that you ruined yourself. It hurts your pride to be the whiny heartbroken girl who let a stupid boy’s rejection shatter her self worth. But the hole is too deep and there’s no hope trying to grasp onto the dirt walls to get out.

The worst part of it is that he sees it all. At school, (if you even go) he looks at you like the scum of the earth as he passes by with his little karate gang. When you end up at the same party, he’ll have a disgusted expression on his face and leave as if he can’t bare to look at you. 

Tonight is one of those nights, and you watch him from across the backyard as he goofs around with his friends. He hasn’t noticed you yet, hence why he’s even still here and not on his way out the door to get away from you.

“If you stare at him any longer, I think he’ll shoot up into flames,” your best friend Robby hands you a cup, and you don’t hesitate before downing its unknown contents. The burn in your throat makes you hum with content.

“That’s the plan,” you take your eyes of off Hawk to look at Robby. You gesture to his own cup in his hand, “Are you gonna drink that?”

“Easy there, Y/N. We got here 5 minutes ago,” he warns, but holds out the drink towards you anyway. Robby’s always been worried about you and your habits, but he knows how you can be when you’re told no.

You swallow down the drink in a few seconds, ignoring his remark. “5 minutes? I can beat my record!” you cheer sarcastically, and start walking to the kitchen in search of a keg. Robby follows closely behind you, a wary look on his face.

The fuzzy feeling starts to take over your body as you throw back drink after drink. It’s the buzz you crave every second of every day because it just makes you feel so good. Everything is happier and your cares feel so far away. Hawk feels so far away.

You sit on the couch next to Robby in your dazed trance, drunkenly rambling to him about random things. He glares at anyone who comes near you and looks like they would take advantage of you in your state.

Robby really hates you like this, but he can’t help but feel protective over you. He’s not even a fan of parties; he really only goes to keep an eye on you. You’re grateful even though you act like you hate it when he babysits you.

“Heyyy pretty Y/N! Want some?” Yasmine approaches where you sit, a joint held between her fingers. Her eyes are drooped and she sways as she stands.

You reach out to take the blunt, but you feel Robby push your arm down. “You’re already drunk. That’s enough,” he says sternly, making you roll your eyes.

“I can do what I want, Dad,” you taunt, and take the joint from Yasmine. Smoke fills up your lungs, immediately giving you pleasure. Robby just shakes his head in disapproval as the air around him becomes hazy.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Stay here,” he orders, getting up from the couch.

You nod, but of course, you don’t listen. The sound of splashing from outside sets off a lightbulb above your head and you feel like you’re floating while you walk to the backyard.

Right as you step out of the house, you make eye contact with none other than Hawk. He gives you a distasteful look like always, before turning back to his group. Asshole.

You just scoff and stumble towards the pool, where a couple is making out and a few people are drunkenly playing with the water like little kids.

Reaching the edge of the pool’s rim, you let yourself fall in with a splash. You feel the pressure in your ears start to build as you sink to the bottom. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re cross faded, but being underwater feels like a world of bliss.

The loud music of the party is muted, creating a sense of serenity. The legs of the other people in the pool make you laugh to yourself, sending bubbles from your mouth to the surface. It’s glittery and pretty and you want to stay forever.

You don’t know how long you’re under there for, but you don’t notice your lungs running out of air. It just feels good to be alone for a second. Next thing you know, you feel your eyes start to droop closed; a strange peace overcoming your body.

A loud thrashing noise in the water makes you wake up with a gasp. You swallow too much water as you feel someone grab hold of your arm. It’s all a blur and you’re being pulled up to the surface, taking you away from the tranquil world you were just in.

The music is pounds against your ears again and the air is cold on your skin. You feel your body being laid down on the concrete of the poolside, but everything feels numb. You just feel sleepy and you want to close your eyes again.

“Y/N, hey, wake up. Wake up,” a voice makes your eyes shoot back open. Someone is looking down at you, with a hand shaking your shoulder. Your vision is somewhat blurry, but the mohawk gives it away. It’s him.

You suddenly become aware of the large amount of water in your lungs and you turn over to your side to cough it up. After you get it all out, you notice the people at the party looking at you with eyes of pity mixed with judgement.

“What the fuck were you doing? You could’ve died, are you fucking stupid?” Hawk curses, but even in your inebriated state you can hear a hint of worry in his voice.

You sit up to face him. He looks angry; his clothes and hair are as wet as yours.

Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen in your brain, or maybe it’s the marijuana and alcohol, but you just feel the urge to laugh. So you do. Like a complete maniac. The way he probably just saved your life like he cares is sickly comedic to you.

His face twists in confusion as you break out into a fit of giggles. “Are you serious? You’re fucking insane, Y/N,” he gets up, shaking his head at you. He gives a glare to the people staring, and they look away in fear.

You think he’s going to leave like usual, but he surprises you by grabbing your arm to pull you up. People whisper amongst themselves as he drags you through the backyard, going through a gate that leads to front of the house. You trip over your own feet, still feeling dizzy from almost drowning, but he just pulls you along.

“What are you doing?” you ask, tugging on your arm to try and release it from the tight grip he has on you. You’re both dripping chlorinated water, leaving a track of drops on the concrete below.

“You’re going home Y/N,” he says sternly. You two arrive at his car and he opens the passenger door. “Get in.”

“Hey!” a voice yells from the house and you both turn to see Robby rushing towards the car. He looks pissed, and now you remember him telling you to stay put. Shit.

“Robby I-”

“Don’t get in there with him Y/N,” he says, sending a death stare to the boy next to you.

“I’m taking her home, Keene, so back the fuck off. Get in Y/N,” Hawk snaps, clenching his fists.

You keep quiet, not wanting to add to the fire already starting. They loathe each other; if not because of the karate rivalry, then because of you. To Robby, Hawk broke your heart and made you spiral. To Hawk, Robby is the piece of shit who he thinks is your boyfriend, and he won’t admit it but he’s jealous.

“You’re not driving her, asshole. You’re probably as drunk as her,” Robby reaches to take your arm, but Hawk pulls you back.

“You don’t know shit about me, Keene. I’ve been sober for three months, so yeah, I will drive her,” Hawk picks you up like you’re a doll, placing you in the passenger seat and closing the door. You don’t resist, you just feel tired and your head starts to pound as if the mix of drugs in your system are punishing you. The window’s down, so you can still hear the two boys loud and clear.

I’ve been sober for three months, his voice echoes in your head.

“Oh so now you care so much about her? It’s your fault she’s like this!” Robby raises his voice even more, starting to move towards Hawk threateningly. You begin to feel scared that a physical fight might actually break out, but you don’t know what to do.

“I’m not the one who almost let her die a few minutes ago, am I? Just fuck off, we’re leaving,” Hawk dismisses him, walking around the car to the driver’s seat. You’re surprised by his self control to not throw a punch, especially with his reputation.

“Robby, it’s okay. I just want to go home. I’ll call you, alright?” you reach your hand out of the window in reassurance and he takes hold of it. Hawk clenches his jaw as he turns on the engine.

“Promise you’ll be careful? I’m sorry I left you,” Robby furrows his eyebrows in worry. When he came out of the bathroom, someone filled him in on what happened to you and he almost had a heart attack.

“Promise. And it’s my fault,” you hook your pinky with his, before the car pulls out of the curb and separates you from your best friend. He watches you guys drive away, an anxious expression etched on his face.

The whole situation has sobered you up pretty well, and now you’re left with a throbbing headache, wet clothes, and awkward tension. You hate it. Being sober. You miss the foggy feeling that prevents you from thinking too hard about things. But now you’re inches away from the boy who broke your heart, all by choice.

You don’t know why you agreed to go with him, but did you even have a choice? You’re confused by his actions. He acts like he hates you but he jumps in a pool for you. He yelled at you but he’s driving you home. It all makes you overthink and it causes your head to ache even more.

You hold your head in your hands to try and ease the pain as Hawk drives quietly.

“You good?” he breaks the silence. His voice is softer compared to how he talked to Robby minutes ago.

“Head hurts,” you mumble.

“What were you doing back there? If I didn’t get you out, you’d probably be in the hospital right now,” he says. You peek at him through your hands and his eyes are on the road.

“I don’t know,” you sigh. “It was just peaceful. I didn’t really even think about breathing.”

He scoffs. “Well that’s just fucking stupid. You’re lucky I noticed you were under for so long.”

“Well thanks,” you reply quietly, feeling like a little kid being scolded.

There’s a couple beats of silence before he speaks, “What happened to you?”

The question makes you sit up and look over at him. “What are you talking about?”

“The old Y/N wouldn’t even touch a drink. You’re different,” Hawk taps his finger on the wheel in thought. His icy blue eyes quickly glance at your confused look before returning to the road.

“You happened, Hawk.” You pinch your temples in frustration. Anger starts to bubble up in your stomach at his criticism. At the mention of “old you”.

“I didn’t do this to you,” he shakes his head, as if trying to convince himself of his own words.

“You did,” you raise your voice, making him flinch. “You know it.”

“What, because I stopped sleeping with you? I didn’t make you fall in love with me, Y/N. You did that to yourself,” he spits, sending a knife to your heart and making you see red.

“You knew I loved you way before I said it. But you still stringed me along, didn’t you? You knew I would pick up everytime you called. You knew that I would let you into my bed because I was the girl who loved you no matter how fucking shitty you were!” you fire back, vomiting out words that you’ve wanted to say for months. The alcohol in your system makes you bolder than usual, but you’re grateful for it.

He’s at a loss for words at your outburst so you continue, “I didn’t ask for this Hawk. Loving you. I’m sorry that I’m such a burden and that you hate me so much that you can’t stand being in the same room as me. But please just answer me this and I’ll leave you alone forever. I’ll leave when we show up at the same party and I’ll even hide in the halls so you don’t have to see my face.”

You pause, choking on your words. You didn’t even realize that the car is already parked in front of your house and your clothes are halfway dry.

“Why don’t you love me?” your voice cracks as you spit out the question that has caused you to throw yourself away. The question with an answer that could dissipate your self worth in a mere moment.

Hawk finally looks into your glassy eyes with shock. He could’ve never anticipated what you asked him and his mouth runs dry.

“I told you, I- I don’t deserve someone like you loving me,” he swallows, but you shake your head.

“That’s not what I asked.”

He blinks slowly, trying to come up with an excuse. Any excuse, to avoid telling you the truth. You can see the inner conflict on his face, the panicked speed of his running thoughts.

“You should go home, Y/N,” he deflects, turning away from you. Putting on his mask to keep you from reading him like a book.

“I’m not going until you tell me,” you demand.

“Just get out of the car, fuck!” Hawk yells, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel. It makes you jump a little, but you’re too angry to fear the flames in his eyes.

“Why can’t you just tell me!” you fire back. “You came to me almost every night, so why do I feel something that you don’t? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?”

“What do you want me to fucking say Y/N! That I do love you? Fucking fine. I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? Just get out.”

I love you.

The same words you said that made him leave.

“You don’t even mean that,” you blink back your tears.

His voice is softer now, more gentle. “If I didn’t mean it then I wouldn’t have said it.”

“You said you needed me and then you left me,” your voice shakes and you hate how pathetic you sound.

“I-I didn’t leave you,” he stammers before taking a deep breath. “I left because you wanted something more than I could give you. I would’ve felt like a selfish asshole if we became more than just sex, Y/N. You deserve someone like Keene and yeah he’s a pussy but he’s good. Better than me.”

It feels like every piece in the puzzle is being put together. Everything makes sense. He does love you, but he was just afraid. He can’t be near you because it hurts too much to see someone he can’t have. Somehow, you can’t find the anger you’ve held against him for these past months; you just understand him now.

“I’m sorry, alright? For everything. For treating your feelings like shit. All of it.”

You swallow, thinking about his words. It all feels too much and the truth is now looking you in the eye, demanding an answer. You love him, but he dropped your heart on the floor for you to pick up every shard. Is one sorry going to magically fix everything?

“I- I don’t know what to say,” you admit, and he nods in understanding.

“You don’t have to say anything. Let’s just... move on. And you get better... I hate seeing you like this,” Hawk scans your red eyes and dilated pupils. “We’ll get to a better place and you and me, we’ll be good.”

It’s bittersweet, but he’s right. Being together now just because he loves you back would be a huge jump that would only end in broken hearts and toxic cycles. It would be foolish. As much as you want him, the only person who can fix you is yourself.

So it’s a meet up at the top of the mountain, when you’ve both made the journey from opposite sides.

“A better place,” you reiterate, before placing a light kiss to his cheek and leaving the car with a new sense of closure.

a/n: that was longer than i planned and a freaking roller coaster!!!!!!! im not sure if there should be a part 3? lmk what you think maybe it’ll just be short. but hehe i added robby into the mix he was so cute. ty for reading!

taglist for people who wanted part 2 :) ty friends for the support <3 @littlered6307 @deadbeatharlz @spiderman-berries @axastasiasstuff @r0-xie @estupidteen @hawkwhore @idkwhatishouldput4

[mypoisonedvine]

Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x reader (part 7)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself.  except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.  

word count: 2.5k

warnings: um just implied smut and fluff and a reference to bdsm I guess?? but it's pretty chill overall

Liked by starkcosmetics and others

y/n.y/l/n okay first of all, it takes an act of god to get a picture of this guy smiling, but it’s always worth it.  he really changed everything for me and I can’t thank him enough for that.  so happy ❤️ 

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caroldanvers 😍😍😍

flowercrowny/n oh my god this is so sweet i’m gonna cry

1 HOUR AGO

He smiled as he stared down at the post you’d made, remembering how much effort you’d put into finding the perfect picture (in your opinion; he thought he looked kinda dopey in it) as well as writing and re-writing your caption.

The speed at which your post gained likes and comments was inconceivable to him; even more impressive was the speed at which gossip rags were picking up the story.  Sure enough, his phone’s alerts to new headlines about you were not only going off like crazy, but had started to include news about himself as well.  

Y/N Y/L/N Shocks With Romantic Instagram Post, Confirms Dating Rumors

You’ll Never Guess Which Hollywood Starlet Is Dating Her Driver

Who is James Barnes?  Everything We Know About Y/N Y/L/N’s New Beau

Skimming one of the articles, he was impressed at how much information they’d managed to get without actually getting anything from you or him.  Born in Brooklyn, disabled Army veteran, worked a list of odd jobs before becoming your driver and bodyguard.  ‘No social media presence, prefers to keep a low profile’ one of them said; you can say that again, Bucky chuckled to himself when he read it.

He found another from People and didn’t particularly appreciate that it spent half the time going through all your past exes and rumored partners (turned out ‘rumored’ is a fancy word for ‘a bunch of fans deluded themselves so hard that it somehow turned into news without any proof necessary’).  But he still smiled when he got to the part that was actually about you and him.

‘The relationship is pretty new but they’re so happy together,’  a source close to the couple reported.  

Close indeed; that statement came from your publicist, who he’d never even meet.  

‘He’s a very private guy and she’s got this huge following, so they’re sort of an odd couple in that way, but she knows her fans are respectful and will let them have their own life outside of the spotlight.’ 

Bucky wasn’t sure that the respectfulness of fans was such a given here, but he hoped you were right.  To be fair, they’d been very sweet on your original post insofar. 

However, when he scrolled to the bottom of the celebrity magazine articles and realized they had their own comments section, he discovered that they were a little less forgiving than the ones on your Instagram.  

Is this the best she thinks she can do?  So sad tbh :(

a military guy…. yikes, she could get any guy she wants and she goes for a murderer. 

He looks like a hobo that found a coupon for a free haircut lol

I don’t buy it, I know she’ll always love Pietro!

Pietro being your former co-star that so many of your fans were convinced was actually your soulmate.  From what he’d heard from you, those speculations had made things so uncomfortable between the two of you that it killed your friendship.  Those were nothing, though, compared to the comments about someone you actually had dated.

she’s obviously not over sam… they were so good together

He’d better watch out for her ex, he still likes tweets about her and they have so much chemistry

Wait, she’s not still with Sam Wilson??  I could’ve sworn they’d been dating for, like, five years.

You were scrolling through your phone with a smile as you walked past where he was sitting on the couch, and he just couldn’t help himself from asking even though he knew it wasn’t the best idea.  “Do I need to worry about this Sam thing?” he blurted out, trying to play it cool and not sound too anxious.  “People are really obsessed with you two…”

“Sam and I…” you sighed, staring off into space for a second.  He made himself anxious imagining what you were thinking about in that moment.  “I haven’t talked to him in… years?  I think it’s just because our relationship was so public that people are still talking about it.  And it had a lot of gossip material— we did a movie together, people thought it was sweet that we got together during production, it was great promotion for the picture… and from the outside, we made a lot of sense for each other.  But he has his own problems.  I loved him, but… he wasn’t ever going to be a one-girl kinda guy.”

“But you’re not just any one girl.  You’re… you know, you,” he emphasized.

“You’ve been reading too many headlines,” you shook your head as you sat down beside him.  “Please don’t turn into one of those guys who thinks of me as a celebrity first.  Before that—” you pointed to your own name where it was bolded on his screen in the trending topics page of Twitter— “was popping up on movie posters and in gossip magazines, it was just my name.  And I’m not perfect.  Not even close.”

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him and holding you tightly.  “And before I knew you were famous, or rich, or incredibly talented, I was totally obsessed with you just for who you are.”

“You’re too fucking amazing,” you sighed as you held his face and gave him a gentle kiss— the kind of kiss that instantly melted his heart and banished his worries.  When you pulled back and looked up at him with a smile, it was like everything else just… faded away.  “Don’t read the comments, okay?  None of them matter.”

He smiled and brushed his thumb over your cheek, overwhelmed by not only the softness of your skin but of your spirit as well.  In all his life he’d never been handled so… gently, with so much care.  “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he mumbled, not even really realizing he’d said it aloud until you gave him a beaming smile.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” you giggled pridefully.

“Seriously?  I can… very easily believe it,” he scoffed.

“I just mean… you’re so…” you searched for the words.  “You’re actually good to me, that’s the thing.  I’m not used to that.”

“You deserve the world,” he assured.  “I’m just gonna keep trying to give you as much of it as I can find.”

He watched his hand trail over your face, down your neck and to your chest where he played with the hem of your t-shirt.

"It's odd to know there are millions of people who are jealous of me,” he admitted quietly, remembering some aggressive comments from some very angry dudes who had apparently also watched your nude scene a few too many times.

"Do you like it?  Do you like how it feels to know you're making them angry every time you touch me?"

"Couldn't care less," he refuted.  "Nobody else matters when I'm touchin' you."

“Do you maybe wanna… touch me a little more about it?” you smirked, opening your legs slightly in invitation.

“Always.”

//

Bucky had, thankfully, not let the newfound fame get to his head.  In fact, he had demanded that the two of you hunker down in the house, since he feared that going out would lead to being recognized.  What he apparently hadn’t anticipated was that that might not be enough.

“Will you get that?” you requested when the gate buzzed, too wrapped up in the book you were reading to answer the intercom.

He hopped up and held down the button to communicate with the gate speaker.  “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve got a delivery from Anjappar Chettinad on 23rd?”

Bucky didn’t even reply before hitting the green button and granting access to the driveway.  BEEP BEEP BEEP! you heard the gate signal its opening, and the car pulling around up to the door.  Bucky didn’t open it until there was a knock, greeting the delivery guy with a smile and the necessary cash.

“I’ve got a lamb korma, hyderabadi mutton dum biryani and an order of— woah,” the man suddenly stopped, staring at Bucky’s face.  “Are you—?’

“Hungry?  Yes,” he frowned.

“You’re the guy dating— holy shit, congrats man,” he beamed, smacking Bucky on the shoulder pridefully before leaning in with a mischievous smirk.  “Say, is she a freak or what?”

“She is,” you piped up from the couch, making both men turn their heads; but one was chuckling while the other looked mortified.  “You better not have forgotten my paneer pakora or I’m gonna chain you up and whip you.”

“Uh, I— no, I got it right here,” he promised weakly, handing the bag over to Bucky and starting to dash away before Bucky grabbed his arm, making the smaller man whimper fearfully.

“You forgot the money,” Bucky reminded him gruffly, stuffing the bills into the driver’s front pocket.

Finally, he let go, and the delivery man instantly pulled away, rubbing his arm and looking a bit like a kicked puppy as he went back to his car and drove away.

“You didn’t need to scare him that bad,” Bucky chuckled.

“I could say the same to you!  Grabbing somebody with the metal arm like that will put the fear of God into them pretty fast.”

“I didn’t mean to grab him that hard,” he admitted, examining the prosthetic hand as he came back to the couch with the bag of food, handing it to you while he focused on watching his motorized fingers curl and uncurl.  “I think I need to get this thing recalibrated… it’s been bugging out lately.”

“I dunno, it was working just fine last night,” you smiled, remembering how delightfully cool those fingers felt inside you.

Bucky seemed to miss it entirely, though, as he stared off into space.  “I can’t believe I got… recognized.”

“You’re a star,” you winked.  “And not just with random delivery drivers.  I’ve had a lot of press requests, everybody wants to be the first one to get nice pictures of us together— we’ve had a dozen event invites as a couple.”

“Seriously?!” he scoffed, snapping back to reality slightly enough 

“Yeah, and look what came in same-day mail this morning!”  You leaned over to shuffle through the mail on the side table before finding and handing him a letter in a gold-embossed envelope, watching him read what you knew was inside.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association extends an invitation to Y/N Y/L/N and James Barnes to the annual Grant Banquet in support of the Young Artists Fund.

“It seems like a good first event for us,” you explained.  “Relatively small and low stakes, it’s for a good cause…”

“Are you sure I’m ready to be, you know… seen?  By people?” 

You scoffed, hardly believing how insecure he could be sometimes.  “You look great, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Will I have to talk to anybody other than you?” he asked, grimacing as if that were a form of brutal torture.

“Probably,” you admitted.

His frown deepened.  “What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I’m not that worried about you,” you smirked.  “You’re a lot better at this stuff than you think you are.”

“I don’t have anything to wear…”

You smirked, a little too proud of yourself, when you remembered the email your publicist had forwarded to you just this morning.  “Hugo Boss will pay you $1500 to wear one of their suits on the carpet.”

“They’ll pay me to wear free clothes?” he repeated with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s one of the cooler things about fame,” you laughed.  “I make a grand every time I wear this watch outside!”

“I guess I should send them my measurements then…” he trailed off.  “Any chance I can get in on that watch deal?”

“No, but you can make $50 by getting papped at Jamba Juice.”

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck as he thought.  “Is the smoothie comped?”

“I don’t know.  Do you want me to ask?”

“...kinda…” he admitted with a shy smile.  

“Well, I will, and I’ll RSVP to this invite saying we’ll be there next week,” you decided as you started to open up the food, but Bucky stopped you by reaching for your hands.

“Are we really doing this?” he asked.

“If you want to,” you mitigated.

“Of course I do.  I guess I have to accept that you’re actually willing to be seen with me,” he chuckled.  “It’s just sort of hard to believe.”

You leaned in and kissed him; it was meant to be a casual, reassuring peck but he held you closer and you melted into him, moaning softly at his touch as you started to climb into his lap.

“The food’s gonna get cold,” he reminded you with a mumble against your lips.

Unfortunately, your literal hunger was a bit too strong to ignore, even with the growing intensity of a metaphorical hunger for Bucky.  “Alright,” you relented, getting off of him and returning your attention to the meal on the table.  “Just know that I really, really want to be seen together, in public, just in case anybody missed the news about us already.  I’m not embarrassed by you or afraid you’re going to do something dumb.  I…”

One of those words that can’t be unsaid started to bubble up in your throat and you coughed, banishing the thought.

“I really like you.  I think we have something special.”

He smiled gently, giving you one more kiss on the cheek.  “I think so, too.”

//

Since this was slightly less of a big deal than a premiere or press tour, you had managed to convince your styling team to let you dress yourself, which was why he was laying on the bed and talking to you through the bathroom door while you put on your gown.

“Do you want me to hire a new driver?” you prompted him, voice muffled slightly as he imagined your head covered in the fabric, trying to navigate through the dress.  “I don’t want you to feel… I don’t know, like a servant?”

“A servant?  You’re still paying me,” he reminded you.  “You are still paying me, right?”

“Yes,” you laughed, “but still, I would hate it if you felt like staff.  You’re my boyfriend!”

(His heart still fluttered every time you said it.)

“No new driver,” he decided.  “I can drive just fine, and considering how things went between us… let’s not open the door for anybody else,” he smirked, making you laugh in that way you did when he made a stupid joke but you still liked it somehow.

“Okay, sure, but what about being my bodyguard?  Is that too weird?” you continued.

“God no,” he scoffed, “if anything I’m gonna be better at my job than ever.  As your boyfriend, keeping you safe is my job, but since keeping you safe was already my job… it’s, like, doubled-up now.”

He lost his train of thought when you opened the door.

“How do I look?” you asked as you stepped in and gave him a spin in your new dress.  Your whole body was draped in red silk, with the exception of your back which was almost entirely exposed, as if it were begging him to run his fingers down your spine.

“Like everything I ever wanted,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

And it was so odd that you questioned his desire to drive you, because those moments where he could steer with one hand and rest the other on your thigh, when he could catch a glimpse of you looking out the window at the city rolling by, when he got to listen to you ramble about something to kill the time during a drive; those were his favorite moments, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After a relatively brief trip, you arrived at the venue, and all of a sudden he was doing what he’d fantasized about more than he’d like to admit: escorting you down a red carpet.  It was almost overwhelming— yelling, chattering, reporters speaking into camera, flashes going off in every direction—

“Hey,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to his cheek and instantly taking all his attention.

“Hey,” he returned.

“Just follow my lead,” you instructed.

“That was the plan.”

[hotdamnhunnam]

Kutte to Black

Part 1 | Part 2

A/N: So here’s Part 2 of the angsty fluffy smutty fic about you being the love of Jax Teller’s life (reimagined in the place of Tara) – you two were high school sweethearts and reunite years later... time will tell whether or not you two can be together...

Pairing: Jax Teller x F!Reader Warnings: smut, swearing, angggggsty angst, mention of attempted suicide (*not* by Jax or Y/N)

Word Count: ~2.5k

... Continued from Part 1 [Read Here]

Every night I go back. Everything after that just cut to black.

Back to that rosy Redwood summer. Back to living, breathing... giving, needing... nothing but each other.

In his dreams for these eleven years he’d played out every scene. Lost in the empty in between. Drowning in sin, to fill the void. But as he did the hollow deepened, left a shell of what he’d been. The golden boy your loss destroyed. Jax gave up long ago on ever being happy as he was when you were here. Forgot what that word even means. He just defines it by its absence through the years. Each year of his existence measured by the distance from eighteen.

Through every failed distraction, no one else mattered to Jackson. Count the whores, hundred and more, but he was only ever yours. Your face is still the only one he’d ever seen.

And now you’re here behind him on his ride, after your heart and body took him home inside. The whole damn world hits different now, somehow—hits pure and good and clean. The sky is wide. For once he smiles, for the first time in a while, as the sun-scorched stretch of earth that flanks the California highway flashes by in shades of sepia and green.

Ride till the road reaches the damn middle of nowhere. Drive right past it—to the edge of nowhere—hit the gas and blast it—hurtle straight into the sun itself and make your fucking home there.

That’s what this is. Sweet secluded patch of summer grass, where years ago he had so often thrown you on your teenaged ass, to shower you with promises and kisses. Here again he takes back everything he misses. Everything is bright and right and the sun rages on in spite, as if it’s slighted that your heat outdoes its light. That’s what this is.

So wet. So tight. For once forget, eleven years ago the both of you had died. Back from the dead. Love one another back to life. Fucking impale yourself on him knowing you’ll bleed to death when he pulls out the knife.

This love is worth the spill of blood. The thrill of serving as his slut. The reason that he lives. The only shit he gives. Reminded by the reaper inked in black, upon the bare skin of his back, patched on the leather of his kutte.

Reminded that love reaps, for every promise that it keeps, and that the gates of hell burst open all the worse when heaven seeks to seal them shut.

***************

For now heaven is his beloved face buried in deep between your legs. Fucking devouring your sex. Crashing the floodgates of your pleasure, tearing you apart as he holds you together. Your swollen pussy lips suck in his thirsting tongue now as it plunges in and wrecks.

Jax spent the first part of the day making you cum undone around his cock more times than you can count. Now that he’s claimed your cunt as his to please, and his to pound, he’s bound to savor every drop of your release, until he drowns.

Until his rockstar dick is hard as fuck again and raging for another round.

Reminded how it feels to be his girl—to be his world—eleven years of empty fade from memory as everything inside of you unfurls.

Each slide of his sensuous tongue along your slick folds makes your toes curl. Lips latch tight around your tender bud of nerves and treasure it like he just swam the whole damn sea to find this precious little pearl.

“Christ, Jax—right there...” you whimper as you twine your fingers in his sex-swept head of hair. You love him even more than you remember and it’s just not fucking fair. Feeling him feasting on your cunt for all it’s worth, after he’d split you open with his massive girth, you’re ruined now for any other man on earth. And you don’t even fucking care.

“Fucking love you,” he professes into your quivering wetness as he savors every inch of you. Groans out your name like it’s a prayer. No other man could ever dare try to compare.

“J-Jax…” you arch your spine and feel your bare skin grind against the textured leather of the kutte that he had spread beneath your back. Ever your bed upon this sacred stretch of grass.

It’s rough and ragged, weighted with the world of woe through which he’s dragged it, and the softness and the smoothness of his mouth strike you in such staggering contrast.

He takes your shuddering hips tighter in his grasp. He growls to match your every gasp. The deep vibration of the muffled sound against your soaking mound sends waves of pleasure pulsing through you and your slipping grip on sanity won’t last.

Jax always fucks you to the brink of it and pushes you right past.

The day you have with him is fading fucking fast. Hours ago when you were out upon the road the sky had never looked so vast. Yet now the sun has run its course across the blue, painting it in a thousand other haunted hues, as it condemns you to the shadow that it casts.

The question that he hasn’t asked. What brought you back. Shut the world out and let the answer cut to black.

***************

The day is gone. The starlight through the leaves above cuts silver streaks across the lawn. Catches the shimmer of your juices on the gold bristles that frame his luscious lips, the moon and stars matching the metal of his rings, signet of prince soon to be king, as you raise his hand toward your mouth to press a soft series of kisses on his fingertips. Gaze all the while locked with his, promise of love in every kiss. Want nothing more than fucking this.

The heat of summer settles heavy on your hearts now that the sun is down. Ride the dark night back into town.

He takes you to his room back at the club. Ignore the Sons and take the stairs silently up. Men keep their heads bowed, spooked against making a sound. It’s clear the two of you are all fucked out. Bound to fuck more without a doubt. All of them wonder but won’t dare to say aloud, whether the prince of Charming may decide to ditch his crown, this time around.

He wants to take you fucking home but that won’t do. Gemma is with his son, and this is no time for the queen mother to know what’s going on, between you two.

Jax guides you to his room and locks the door and looks at you. Just... fuck the way he looks at you. The mark it leaves more lasting than your crow tattoo. Each time as if the years-old love you share is still shiny and new.

“It’s good to have you back, babe.”

Breaks your heart that he’s determined for the moment to continue this charade that everything is summer roses and that you came back to stay. Roll back the tape. You have to say—this has to end after today. But then he takes you in the cage of his embrace and you have no chance of escape.

You wrap your arms around his broad leather-clad back. The kutte that owns you so completely. Own voice cuts you like an axe, bleeds as it cracks. “The day is gone, Jax. We should really…”

Sweeps his thumb across your cheek, making you weak, the way he cradles you so sweetly. “Mmm, you got somewhere to be? Other than here looking so pretty right in front of me?” 

Of course you do—but then that sinful edge of danger flashes in his baby blues—before you have a clue, he’s won a whispered no from you. No, you have nowhere else to be...

Sweet shifts to savage suddenly. “Then get down on your fucking knees.”

Sweet Jesus Christ. Familiar flood between your thighs. One you’ve not felt in these eleven years since you’d last looked into these dark dominant eyes. “God, Jax—don’t do this to me... please...”

Carries on with his playful tease. “Don’t what. Remind you that you’re my cocksucking slut?”

You’re fucking drowning in the flood.

He notices now right away, as bitter tears prick at your gaze. Instantly shifts straight back to sweet as worry falls across his face, steeped in self-hate for what the beast in him had dared to say. He knows you love it when the beast comes out to play. But shit is serious today. “Oh, God. You’re crying.”

No, you’re not. You’re fucking dying.

“Y/N…” Jax’s soft lips press to your forehead as he vows to kiss eleven years of tears away or else die trying. It’s not a vow that he takes lightly. “Babe, you’re right, we—we should talk.”

But it’s too fucking late to talk. Your inner whore wins over and you let her, though you know better, because you’re too fucking afraid to talk. Ablaze with lust. “No, I just... I just need your cock.”

Before he can protest you’re on your knees and spurred on further at his low murmur of fuck.

Jax Teller’s dick was put on earth for you to suck. It’s always been your fucking drug.

He’s tasted you a thousand times today but you’ve not yet returned the favor. Knowing it would seal your doom ‘cause you’re a sucker for that sweet and sinful flavor. Made to be treasured and savored.

Blue eyes darken as he watches you make quick work of his jeans from where you’re kneeling on the floor. “Babe, are you sure?”

Of course. Sucking his dick has always been for both your pleasure. Often far more so for yours. “Yes, sir.”

The words he fucking lives for. Cards his fingers through your hair as he towers so tall and beautiful and powerful above you. “God, I love you.”

“Love you more.” 

It’s not a war. But still you want to fucking win now by reminding him that he exists for you to worship and adore. To serve as his cocksucking whore.

***************

The night is late, and you’re both totaled by the hundred thousand rounds of love you’ve made. You wish the break of day would fucking wait. Afraid of how your love is star-crossed even as the stars all fade.

Jax pulls you into his embrace, blinding you with the ageless beauty of his life-ruining face. Tells you and shows you how he loves you in a million different ways.

Spend the next few hours just snuggling. Your strength to do anything other than just be in love is buckling. Grip his heart. Before you shatter it apart. Fucking white-knuckling.

The talk is small at first. Because big hurts.

As if you could catch up on all eleven years in so few words.

Jax wants to tell you every fucking thing he’s done. Been forced to do. So full of secrets he could burst. But wants to hide them from you, too. Every last one. He has no clue which would be worse.

You ask him questions that are innocent and pure, the way that you both were, when love was first igniting. “You still writing?”

He remembers who he was when you were here. The dreams and passions he’d abandoned through the years. The battle for a better life wasn’t worth fighting. Shrugs it off to spite the tears. “Less writing, more riding.”

Whenever he looks all torn up about the shit that he had missed... you seal those perfectly pink lips with a deep kiss. So much is lost but you just wish you could keep this.

There’s so much bitter to the sweetness, as you linger in his bed and reminisce.

“My mom really liked you, you know,” Jax sorrowfully recalls. He thought he wouldn’t mention her at all. But it’s inevitable that the talk should turn to why you had to go, those years ago. And why he couldn’t follow. Voice is heavy yet so hollow. “I think that was what made it so much worse for her. The day I packed my bags and told her that my Charming days were over. That I’d found someone I loved more than SAMCRO.”

Someone he loved more than his mother. Gemma knew it though her son hadn’t been so cold and straightforward. Saw straight through what he had told her.

It’s a day you won’t forget. The day Jax Teller had decided to leave everything behind and stay beside you as your future forged ahead.

Blue eyes blur wet, jaw firmly set. “Typical Gemma would have just threatened to murder you or something but instead…”

The shaken weight of his voice breaks across the bed. The image seared into his head—his mother on the bathroom floor—pill bottle emptied to the core—one minute later if he’d stopped by, just to say his last goodbye... she’d have been dead.

Some twisted part of you had always doubted whether Gemma truly meant what she had done, or if she’d calculated just the perfect dosage to make sure she’d stay alive and also get to keep her son. It’s a dark part of you and not something you ever would’ve said. If you had even dared suggest it Jax would surely have seen red.

Although his love for you outgrew his love for his own mom... the queen mother’s apparent suicide attempt had dug his Redwood roots deeper into this godforsaken stretch of earth from which he’d come. Condemned him to his birthright to this California kingdom. There was never any hope for him of getting past the guilt that had him so deeply undone and overcome.

The morning after he had found his mother, both of you sat by her bed as she recovered—you had never seen such fucking tears from Jax. He’d packed his bags. He needed you more than the skin off his own back. He couldn’t picture life without you but in just one flash, his vision for the future fucking crashed, and fell to pieces off the tracks.

Everything after that just cut to black.

“She’s different now. Stronger somehow.” Jax tells you as the crease of anguish deepens in his brow. “Fiercer, after that close brush with the reaper. But in so many ways she’s weaker—worse. I’m pretty sure this time around she’d sooner take your life than hers.”

The words are choked; he means it as a morbid joke, but on some level... it feels serious as hell. A fucking curse.

Last time you spoke, eleven years ago, that morning as the son’s beating heart broke—a time so far-removed the image blurs—you doubt you’d even recognize your voice... you’d made a choice. To stay or go. A choice that ought to have been yours.

This time around it will be yours because you’ll make damn fucking sure.

The break of dawn has come; you know it’s time to drop the fucking bomb.

To tell him what brought you back home.

***************

... Continued in Part 3! ✨

Masterlist

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[jokertrap-ran]

[スタオケ] La Corda d'Oro Starlight Orchestra Main Story Chapter 1-2 Translation

*Starlight Orchestra Masterlist *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut *Video segment under cut as well *Main story tag will be #Main Starlight

Sakuya: Ahh… I’m beat.

Sakuya: And the Dorm Mom said that she wasn’t making meals this week, so we’ll have to prepare something for ourselves too.

☆ ��━━━━━━ ∘◦♬◦∘ ━━━━━━━ ☆

???: Oh?

Sakuya: …!

???: Oh, oh, oh! Sorry to keep you youngsters waiting.

Sakuya: Uh…

???: C’mon then. Get in.

Sakuya: Huh?

???: Special seats! Now open!

☆ ━━━━━━━ ∘◦♬◦∘ ━━━━━━━ ☆

???: Yo, (L/N). I came to fulfil my end of the promise. We’re going on a trip to make the best orchestra this world has ever seen.

⊳ Choice: What are you talking about?

???: Eh? C’mon now, don’t play dumb.

⊳ Choice: Who are you?

???: C’mon, you know it’s me~ Who else would have such a sexy mature aura around… Wait…

⊳ Choice: That won’t be necessary.

???: C’mon, don’t say that~ I was even gonna let you have it for a cheaper price~ Wait-

???: Huh? For real? Seriously? You forgot who I am? This is too much even for a joke…

???: C’mon~ We promised each other, didn’t we? That we’d make the world’s best Orchestra together~! We swore this upon the brightest star, remember?

???: Wait, ehhhh!? You… You completely forgot about it? You’re not joking, are you?

???: I can’t believe this… And to think I believed in you…

???: Was I just being played? Ahh, my poor innocent heart has been shattered into pieces…

Sakuya: You're the one that suddenly came out of nowhere. What's your deal?

???: I don't wanna talk about it… I mean even if I told you that my name was Ichinose Ginga, chances are that you've already forgotten all about poor little me…

Sakuya: Yikes, this guy already sounds like a pain…

Sakuya: Wait, Ichinose Ginga!? You're THAT Conductor!?

⊳ Choice: You did a 360!

Ginga: Oh~? Did I brush up too much on my manliness?

⊳ Choice: That does bring me back…

Ginga: I know, right~? …Wait, no! You’re completely treating me like a thing from the past!

Sakuya: I don't believe this. Ichinose Ginga was the promising young Conductor, the first Japanese person to ever win the Budapest Art Concours.

Sakuya: People were even saying that he had a bright and promising future filled with success ahead of him… But, I stand corrected. You look absolutely dead on the inside.

Ginga: Well, Conductors aren't really that commonly sought after, so I went and enjoyed life for a little while, only to end up losing my spot.

Ginga: After miles of hard work and suffering many hardships, it's been 7 years since that night and my chance is finally here!

Ginga: The Orchestra Association of Japan, notorious for its stinginess, has set aside a budget to create a Student Orchestra.

Ginga: And this Orchestra's music director, in other words, their selected Conductor, is none other than— Me!

Ginga: You're in luck, (L/n). The day when we fulfil our promise has come.

Ginga: We're going to create the best Orchestra ourselves without getting tied down to anyone else!

Ginga: Huh? Why are you making such a weird face?

⊳ Choice: That's great to hear

Ginga: I know, right? Yes, good girl~ And that’s why it’s worth coming all this way.

⊳ Choice: I-I'm not part of the music ed department…

Ginga: So what if you’re in the general ed department? Don’t fret about the small things.

Ginga: Broaden your horizons! Look at it from a global perspective!

⊳ Choice: (That's way too sussy!)

Ginga: What? Aren't you kinda…slowly edging away from me? Hey! Come back here!

Sakuya: Still, it's way too big of a coincidence. Or, maybe I should say that it sounds very shady… It's unbelievable, at best.

Ginga: What~? Keep pulling that unpleasant face and you're only going to get unpleasantly unlucky, you know?

Ginga: Well, in any case, I've gone and nabbed myself two Violinists! 

Sakuya: Two!? Why am I included?

Ginga: I can tell that you're a Violinist from your hands alone. You are, aren't you?

Sakuya: …!

Ginga: Hm? Oh, it's my appointment with Shinomori-sensei… and I'm running terribly late… Uh oh.

Ginga: Let's continue this tomorrow, yes?

Ginga: —Hello? Ah, yes. I'm about to reach. Really. It's just right up ahead.

And thus, the minivan retreated.

Sakuya: What was that? Is that guy actually serious about starting an Orchestra?

☆ ━━━━━━━ ∘◦♬Main Starlight♬◦∘ ━━━━━━━ ☆

Previous Part: (Chapter 1-1) Next Part: (Chapter 1-3)

[fruitcoops]

Could we please have a prequel to the praise kink fic? Because i really want to know why were Sirius and Remus not together and what did Remus send him. I really need context

I was hoping somebody would ask for this!! The aforementioned fic is here for any curious souls (18+ please) and SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

TW for spicy texts (not exactly nudes), and smutty feelings with nothing explicit

The bus went over a bump and Sirius winced as his shins knocked against the back of the seat in front of him, connecting with the metal brace inside. “Fuck.”

“You sure you don’t want to switch?” James asked next to him. Sirius glanced down at the veritable wall of gear and empty snack bags between them, then back to James in disbelief. He shrugged, then set his headphones back over his ears. “Worth a shot.”

“Merde,” Sirius hissed as a pothole nearly took off his kneecap. He gritted his teeth and readjusted, drawing his legs closer to his chest. I want to be home, he thought, allowing himself an internal moment to whine.

He checked his phone—not even ten in the morning. It was a Saturday, so Remus would probably just be rolling out of bed, still sleepy and soft with his hair sticking up like a disgruntled cat’s. Sirius sighed heavily and stared out the window at the small town rolling past in the distance; there was little he wouldn’t give to be back with him instead of on the way to a full week of conferences.

“Why did we have to win the Cup?” he grumbled.

James lifted one side of his headphones. “What?”

“Nothing.”

It wasn’t like they had had much time to themselves before that, either—Sirius’ schedule was packed with interviews that felt more like interrogations, and Remus had been running the PT department mostly by himself while Moody took a well-deserved vacation. They were dead on their feet every night, worked to the bone with little energy left to do more than cuddle and fall asleep. Still, Sirius was grateful for every second of it.

He waited ten more minutes before giving in.

New Message To: Re

Bonjour mon loup <3

There was no immediate response, which made sense, though he was a little bit disappointed. Sirius closed his eyes and tried to make himself relax; it would be at least another six hours before they arrived at their destination, and the bad weather gathering overhead didn’t bode well for quick travel.

His phone buzzed gently and he scrambled to answer. Don’t be Reg, don’t be Reg, don’t be Reg—

New Message From: Re

Morning love!

Thanks for the bagels <3

“Fuck yes,” Sirius said under his breath. The bagels had been a last-minute decision as he crept through the house in the early hours of the morning after carefully detaching himself from Remus with a final half-asleep farewell kiss. There was no guarantee he would remember breakfast with everything going on, so Sirius figured it was a safe bet to toast them and leave them on the countertop before heading out.

Message To: Re

Pas de problem

Sleep well?

Message From: Re

Decent

Missed you :(

Sirius rested his temple against the cold window with a soft sound. He hated leaving at different times, but that was just how their life worked at the moment.

Message To: Re

Missed you too <3

Three small dots appeared for a long moment before vanishing without a trace just as his heart rate began picking up. Where’d you go? he almost wondered aloud. Something bumped his arm and James raised a quizzical brow. “Loops,” Sirius said by way of explanation.

“I figured. He okay?”

“I think so? He just…disappeared on me.” Sirius was well-aware of how plaintive he sounded—James’ teasing smile was completely unnecessary.

“Aw, Cap,” he laughed, reaching over to mess with his beanie until Sirius slapped his hand away. “It’s alright, buddy, it’s just a couple days.”

Sirius jammed his hat back on his head and flicked James on the unprotected bit of his ear, making him yelp. “Fuck off, I know you’ll be a mess as soon as Lily FaceTimes with my godson.”

“He has a name, you know.”

“Sorry. You’ll be a mess as soon as she FaceTimes with Pocket Pots, who happens to be my godson.”

James rolled his eyes. “I regret giving you that title.”

“Nah, you don’t.”

As if on cue, his phone lit up again; Sirius ignored James’ snickering as he quickly unlocked it.

New Message From: Re

When will you be at the hotel?

“That’s it?” he muttered.

Message To: Re

That was a lot of typing for one sentence

6-7 hrs, if the weather holds

Why?

Message From: Re

Sorry lmao Reg came in for a bit

Just curious :) Keep me updated?

Message To: Re

Will do <3

Tell Reg he needs to wash his sheets. It’s been over a month.

A small thumbs-up emoji was his only answer, and he tried not to be too bummed. Remus liked having things to do; sitting there and texting Sirius while he slowly got further and further away was probably not his preferred way to spend a morning. With a sigh that was likely a bit too dramatic for the situation he was in, Sirius faced the window once more and buckled in for a long ride.

He chatted off and on with the others when they stopped for lunch, but everyone was exhausted from the combination of a packed week and an early morning. Even Talker stayed fairly quiet, and James kept his headphones on for most of the trip.

Sirius finally succumbed to his tiredness and put some music on, then dozed for an hour or three while they traveled through yet another field. A few halfhearted calls of “cows” made their way around the bus, though nobody seemed particularly enthused about being packed in with double the gear due to a broken storage compartment. Donuts and gas station coffee could only do so much.

“Just crossed the state border,” Arthur called from the front of the bus as Sirius tried to ignore the cramping in his thighs. Three hours. Just three more.

His music was interrupted by a soft jingle alert and he pulled his phone out, hoping against hope that Regulus hadn’t caused a fire anywhere. It was unlikely given the…well, everything about him, but with Sirius’ luck it could happen.

New Message From: Re

How far?

Message To: Re

About 3 hrs. Ran into some detours

Good day?

Remus remained silent on the other end and Sirius frowned. That was rather rude, and highly unusual. Between the two of them, Remus was the one who kept conversations going past the initial question to be answered.

Message From: Re

Attachment: 1 Image

Love you! Call me when you get there : )

Sirius opened the attachment and almost threw his phone in utter shock. Skin. Bare skin everywhere, its smooth edges broken up only by tight black fabric that may as well have been painted onto the curve of Remus’ ass. “Oh my god,” he whimpered, voice barely audible even to his own ears. It had been taken in their bedroom mirror; Remus looked over his shoulder, and Sirius caught the corner of a devious smirk on his lips. “Oh, you fucker.”

Message From: Re

Thoughts? They’re cozy

Message To: Re

Did you miss the part where I said three (3) hours

Message From: Re

Nope

Second one is a guessing game and u get a prize if u get it right : )

The second photograph was more zoomed-in than the first and Sirius wracked his brain, running through his mental catalogue of Remus’ body to figure out the answer. It did absolutely nothing to calm the situation in his pants.

He had no idea what the promised prize was, but anticipation made his hands shake slightly as he carefully scanned the picture. The shadows caught it at an odd angle—it wasn’t the steady slopes of his face or neck, nor was it the strong curve of a shoulder. Not enough freckles, either, he thought.

A lightbulb lit in the back of his mind.

Message To: Re

Right hip

Another thought connected half a second later.

Holy fuck you took them off

Is that my prize?

Re?

Remus Lupin I swear to god

TEXT ME BACK

Message From: Re

Bingo!

Christ you’re impatient, I was gone for like 2 mins

He chanced a look toward Pots, whose head lolled to the side as he snored.

Message To: Re

Hey quick question why are you like this

It’s a good thing Pots is out cold bc this bus is too small to hide anything

Message From: Re

Haha sux to be you

Sirius’ cheeks heated with a whole cocktail of different emotions as he furiously typed a response.

Message To: Re

‘Sux to be you’???

Are you 13 yrs old????

Message From: Re

Do you want your prize or not u horndog

Message To: Re

YOU MADE ME THIS WAY

He took a deep breath through his nose and flexed his fingers.

Yes please

A simple smiley face—Sirius would never see those things the same—popped up, followed by an audio file. He triple-checked that his headphones were plugged in before tapping ‘play’ with an unsteady thumb.

His face went very, very hot before all the blood went straight to his groin and he closed his eyes, covering his mouth with his hand. Breathy sounds came through the heavy earphones, a little more crackly than they would be in-person; he heard Remus’ gasp catch in his throat and crossed his legs as best he could in the too-small seat, torn between thanking and cursing any higher power. He could practically see Remus’ face in his mind’s eye as the noises continued, intermixed with fragments of desperate words.

The file came to an end after what felt like the blink of an eye and a hundred years, and Sirius did not look away from the violently red seat cushion in front of him for a long moment as his brain came back online. He couldn’t remember the last time he was so turned on.

He took a few deep breaths, though it did nothing to erase the poorly-muffled whines that still rang between his ears like church bells. Sirius huffed and turned to grab his waterbottle out of his duffel, only to make direct eye contact with Finn across the aisle.

Sirius froze.

Finn grinned.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he hissed, too low to wake James but just loud enough to carry over the four feet separating them. Finn’s smile widened. “Stop it. Stop it right now.”

“How’s Loops?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“That good, huh?”

“O’Hara, I swear to god—”

“Oh, is Cap spilling secrets?” Kasey asked, poking his head over the back of the seat.

Finn opened his mouth, but the force of Sirius’ glare must have been enough to at least intimidate him a little, because he shook his head. The smug Cheshire grin remained. “Nah, just having a chat about our plans when we get home.”

Kasey groaned. “You’re a lucky man, O’Hara. Both your people get to come with you. Nat sent me a promise, like, twenty minutes ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. I won’t be available tonight from six to eight if anyone was wondering.”

“Did she really?” Finn looked back to Sirius, who bit the inside of his cheek and tried to keep his cool. Two and a half hours, and then he would be safe. Just two and a half more hours.

[rizahawkais]

Hi Nia! You're gifs are so pretty! Is it possible for you to show how you get your WandaVision gifs too look so clear and hd? And how do you do your colorings too? (specifically the wanda maximoff in episode 3 gifset ITS GORGEOUS) I'm new to giffing and all the tutorials are kind of old. It's okay if you don't want to though! I understand it may be time consuming.

omg no! never feel intimidated to ask!! i don’t mind at all!

so, i’m going to show you how i made and coloured this gif

mostly bc it’s the only gif in that set w text and i’m going to share my text settings too!

tutorial is below :)

WHAT KIND OF VIDEOS ARE BEST?

.mkv files (the bigger the better BUT i usually think anything above 5 gb is excessive and unnecessary for an episode of television BUT for a movie worth it) itunes downloads (logolesspro on twitter, hd-source on tumblr, live-action-raws on tumblr have some DEPENDING on what you’re looking for) (also, there’s a chance that if you search "show/movie hd download tumblr” you’ll find a tumblr with its itunes download available)

THAT IS IT NO OTHER TYPE OF FILES MAKE YOUR GIFS LOOK GOOD

- my suggestion is always if its new (like just came out the past month) t*rrent it! it’ll be downloaded quickly and .mkv files look the best! BUT if not check the sources above see who has the BIGGEST file if they even have what you’re looking for and then if not then you look to t*rrenting!!

here are the wandavision files i use so you can see!!

SCREENCAPPING

-if you have windows use potplayer! i have a mac so i can’t show you how to use it and it’s not available for me :( HOWEVER back when i had a windows potplayer was the best method in screencapping!!

-I HAVE A MAC! so i use mpv!! (go to mpv.io and follow the directions) BUT DON’T DOWNLOAD THE LATEST ONE (it has a bug that skips frames) try each before the latest one bc from what i heard different ones work differently for everyone!! and i don’t know which one i use (yikes!) THERE ISN’T THAT MANY I PROMISE AND IT’S WORTH IT BC MPV IS THE BEST (i used to use adapter but they didn’t take impressive screencaps in my opinion and it was evident in my gifs you can see it too! )

create a folder for your screencaps! and make sure to rmb the directory order! now we want to create a text file on our built in textedit app on mac! type up all this down below (i like jpg but you can replace jpg w png if you want) AND SAVE THE FILE AS mpv.conf THIS IS IMPORTANT SO DON’T FORGET IT! save it somewhere you’ll find easily and NEVER delete it until you don’t use mpv anymore

just in case you don’t know what to insert after, go to your screencaps folder

now you want to open mpv and go to the corner towards mpv -> preferences and they’ll tell you that there is no .conf file SO GO LOOK FOR THE TEXT FILE WE JUST MADE AND DRAG IT TO THE FOLDER THEY OPENED FOR US AFTER SAYING THERE IS NO .CONF FILE

(i learned all this from @kylos tutorial!! so if any of what i just said about setting up mpv makes NO SENSE to you check out their tutorial at kylos(.)tumblr(.)com/post/178497909311)

now we can screencap!

so let’s find the scene we want RIGHT BEFORE and MAKE SURE SUBTITLES ARE OFF

i pause and then press (option/alt + s) and then SCREENCAPS ARE BEING TAKEN!! and to end the screencaps being taken you once again press (option/alt + s)!!

now we want to delete the excess frames! and put it all into one folder!! DO NOT DELETE FRAMES IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT YOU WANT TO GIF!! WHEN YOU SKIP FRAMES IT WILL BE NOTICEABLE!!

MAKING THE GIF

this method isn’t used that much BUT I LOVE IT so this is how i put my frames in! first i check to see the size of my frames: 1920 x 1080

so i create a NEW file on photoshop with those dimensions w these settings

now i set my tool on photoshop to path selection tool bc if you have it set on smth like move tool or crop tool at the end you might end up moving or cropping frames you don’t want to!

ok so now we select ALL our frames and drag it on top of our new file on photoshop and the MOMENT we see our first frame in photoshop JUST KEEP CLICKING ENTER until all the frames are loaded!!

you can do file -> scripts -> load files into stack but it is WAYYY slower in my opinion!

now i crop out the excess BUT i don’t resize the gif yet! the dimensions wandavision is filmed in is 4:3 so i go to crop and set the settings to this:

MAKE SURE IT’S ON RATIO SO WE’RE PRESERVING THE ORIGINAL SIZE JUST CUTTING OFF THE BLACK EDGES!! We are going from 1920 x 1080 to 1440 x 1080 this is the dimensions after i cropped

WE ARE KEEPING THE QUALITY BY NOT CHANGING THE DIMENSIONS OF ANYTHING INSIDE !!

now we want to go to actions and create an action!! open up actions w one of these two depending on what your dash looks like!!

so we create an action with this button on the bottom of actions and we’re gonna title it making a gif and hit record!!

NOW LET’S GOOOOO!!

1. make sure you have timeline on your dash!

2. create frame animation (if you see create video timeline just click the arrow next to the button to see your other option which is frame animation!!)

3. now let’s meet our best friend!! the little bar in the top right corner that has all the commands for making our gifs and MAKE FRAMES FROM LAYERS

4. WE HAVE TO SHARPEN OUR GIFS NOW BUT TO DO THAT WE NEED TO CONVERT TO A SMART OBJECT SO NOW WE ARE GOING TO CONVERT TO VIDEO TIMELINE there are two ways: the button in the bottom left corner or the button in the top right corner w all the other commands!

5. select -> all layers DON’T MANUALLY SELECT THEM ALL BC THE ACTION WILL ONLY SELECT THAT SAME NUMBER OF FRAMES SO IF THERE ARE MORE FRAMES YOU WON’T GET THEM IN THE SMART OBJECT!!

6. filter -> convert for smart filters

7. NOW WE SHARPEN!! (filter -> sharpen -> smart sharpen) i sharpen twice!! first, make sure we are on legacy w more accurate and remove gaussian blue! the first sharpening will be 500% with 0.4 px radius. NOW SHARPEN AGAIN (filter -> sharpen -> smart sharpen) also w legacy, more accurate and remove gaussian blur BUT this time 10% with a 10.0 px radius!

8. it’s hd now!! so let’s flatten frames into clips!! go to the top right magic button again!! and you should see a pop up saying layers are being made

9. now we convert back to frame animation w either the bottom left button or our magic top right command center!

10. make frames from layers

11. select all frames w our magic command button

12. set the animation delay to 0.05 THAT IS THE BEST ONE ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS only use 0.06 when the character is moving really fast in the video itself and it makes the gif itself look awkward BUT NEVER GO ABOVE 0.06 it’ll look slow and laggy and we don’t want that and don’t go below 0.05 bc then it’ll be tooo fast and we don’t want that either!

13. now delete the very first frame on the timeline bc it is an oversharpened duplicate of the second frame! end the recording w this button!

this is what your action should look like expanded! if you made mistakes on the way and it shows up you can just click the specific step and press the trash can on the action tab to delete in from the order!!

NOW AFTER LOADING YOUR FRAMES AND CROPPING THE EDGES OF YOUR FRAMES IF YOU NEED TO JUST PLAY THE ACTION AND THEN YOUR GIF WILL BE MADE FOR YOU!!!!

now i delete some unnecessary frames in the beginning and end and this is what my gif looks like (the size was 46 mb and the limit is 10 mb so the dimensions of the gif are 540 x 405 to get it to 5 mb BUT I HAVEN’T CROPPED IT YET SO THIS IS ME CROPPING JUST TO SHOW YOU WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE)

CROPPING THE GIF

in my opinion if you want your gif to look hd you shouldn’t crop before you sharpen!! i believe that if you crop before you sharpen you don’t allow photoshop to sharpen all the pixels whereas if you crop beforehand there is less to work with!!

dimensions is all up to you!! just make sure to go by tumblr rules!! 540 is the max width and if you want to make two gifs per row then my suggested width is 268 and for three gifs per row my suggested is 177 px! Just have the right width and the length can be whatever you want!!

now i’m going to crop my gif to 540 by 590!!

NOW THIS IS WHAT MY GIF LOOKS LIKE!

COLOURING BASICS

let me show you the best adjustment tools in my opinion and a brief explanation for what they do!!

brightness/contrast: pretty simple increase/decrease the brightness/contrast BUT one of my techniques for when i first start colouring a gif is i select all my frames and do nothing to the settings of the adjustment but i set the layer to screen LIKE THIS

curves: ik others use curves to change brightness/contrast w the squiggly thing BUT i like it to set a white point and black point, this is also a technique i use when i first start colouring a gif when screen doesn’t look good for me SO you use white point to select a pixel on the gif to set as the lightest color on the gif (setting the white point) and you use black point to select a pixel on the gif to set as the darkest colour on the gif (setting the black point) usually the white point makes it TOO bright and that’s why we use the black point to counter it and same goes for when i use screen with brightness/contrast, it gets too bright so i use black point to counter it below is the button for white point and the button for black point, respectively they are shaped as color picker tools

vibrance: generally, i never use this except for color p*rn sets but they work really well in making colors seem more strong

hue/saturation: like vibrance, i never use this except for color p*rn sets but this adjustment is to help change the colors or hue of a color for example: turn blue into purple or turn a blue into a little lighter shade of blue

color balance: I ALWAYS USE THIS!! except for in black and white gifs BUT THIS IS MY GO TO AND IF I DON’T USE IT MY GIFS ARE JUST BLAND i feel like color balance is what essentially balances the colors on your gif and adds dimension to it, it makes your gif go from looking way too yellow to a more golden neutral look and it is an essential adjustment in my opinion

channel mixer: i rarely use channel mixer BUT it is so so useful when you are working w a dark scene just play w the settings and all of a sudden all the blue in a dark scene will be a little more yellow and red and your scene will kind of just look brighter and more visible

selective color: THIS IS ALSO AN ESSENTIAL this helps SPECIFIC colors pop you’re working on a scene where there is too much red on someones face you use this tool to remove the magentaness from the yellow section OR when you feel someones face is TOO yellow and needs more blush you add more magenta in the yellow section of selective color

gradiant map: gradiant map is perfect when you’re lazy if you feel like your gif looks more neutral and you want some red in it but you don’t want to mess with any other adjustments just set a red to black gradiant on soft overlay with a very low opacity and BOOM slightly red but not too much red added!

NOW TO COLOR THE GIF!

today i have decided to start with a brightness layer set on screen

and this is what we got!

now that’s a little to bright and washed out in my opinion SOOOO to counteract it, i’m going to use my black point tool in curves and i’m going to select this point on the gif (it’s better to choose smth in the background and not smth that’s paid attention to such as monica’s hair or either of their eyelashes)

now my gif looks like this! the base color is complete!

now i think i need to balance all this yellow and red! SOOOO WE GONNA USE COLOR BALANCE!!

i think the best way to use color balance is to keep swinging the balancer until you see what you like and then keep going midtones i think i want more red and i don’t want a cyan midtone and then for shadows i think i want more cyan to counter the redness of the gif but highlights i don’t touch that much NOW HERE ARE MY SETTINGS SO YOU CAN SEE

and this is what my gif looks like

now you can stop here if you want but in my opinion i think the gif looks a lil too dead still SO IMMA USE SELECTIVE COLOR

i think there needs to be a lot lot more RED so i amp up the yellow magenta and black in the red! but i also think the yellows need to be LESS RED so i remove magenta from the yellow! and bc there’s some cyan and blue bc of monica and the flowers in the background im going to make the cyans more cyan and the blues a lil more black! i’m going to remove some yellows from the magenta!! and i add more black to the neutrals and black!! i think it’s always important to add more black to neutral and black bc it adds more depth to the gif by not just making it a bunch of bright colors and having dark colors to contrast to!! my settings are below!

and the result!

now let’s see everything together!

and the before and after!

I HOPE MY COLOURING EXPLANATION MADE SENSE!! if not you can always ask me more questions i don’t mind!!

ADDING SUBTITLES

we want to grab the text tool!

make a text box from anywhere in the middle from the left to right edge. this is so we can make sure our text is centered and will be in the same place for when we have sets w more than one gif w text!

type your text out and make sure you highlight the whole text so that all the settings apply to EACH character! you can find the alignments (for center) in the paragraph tab!

now lets right click on the text layer and go to blending options! add stroke and drop shadow!

now drag it to the desired height you would like and make sure to keep it in mind for when you have more than one subtitled gif in a set!

NOW TO MAKE SURE THE TEXT STAYS IN PLACE AND THE BLENDING STAYS YOU HAVE TO CONVERT TO SMART OBJECT!!

if you want to only have the text applied to certain frames instead of all frames, select the frames you don’t want by clicking the first frame in ur don’t want section ON THE TIMELINE and WHILST HOLDING SHIFT click the last frame of ur don’t want section and then toggle the eye switch next to the text layer

now you see the text

now you don’t

tip: use opacity to fade the text in and out!

the text is going to be on all my frames so i don’t need to toggle the eye but i just wanted to show you just in case!!

now here’s my FINAL RESULT

save for web (file -> export -> save for web) 

your gifs have to always be under 10 mb! so, if your WAYYY overboard YOU HAVE TO DELETE FRAMES! or you can divide the gif in two and have two gifs instead of one! however, if you plan on going the deleting frames route MAKE SURE YOU DELETE FROM THE BEGINNING OR END OF YOUR SELECTION i promise you that most of us won’t notice that your characters dialogue is being cut off BUT WE WILL NOTICE IF FRAMES ARE BEING SKIPPED so, don’t delete frames in the middle of ur gif!! idc how little you do it IT WILL RUIN YOUR GIF AND I SAY THIS FROM EXPERIENCE i would delete every fifth frame to cut down my gifs and that may seem like not that big of a deal BUT IT IS my gif looked choppy and poor so it is way better to cut from the end/beginning of the gif

ANOTHER LAST PIECE OF ADVICE in the bottom left of when the save for web menu shows up THERE’S A PREVIEW BUTTON click on it! it’ll show you your gif on your default browser and show you what it’ll look like once uploaded! this is perfect to check the speed of ur gif and the colouring and to notice if there’s a problem with your subtitles or maybe there’s an obvious jump in frames you never noticed before!! i always use preview bc the built-in photoshop viewer of ur gif shows the colors differently and the speed is NEVER ACURRATE!

I USED THESE SAVE SETTINGS!! many say to use selective pattern but i DISAGREE and i think these save settings are the ✨ best ✨

OK NOW THAT IS THE END OF THIS VERY LONG GIF TUTORIAL!! I HOPE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!! IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK I SINCERELY DON’T MIND!! JUST DON’T BE RUDE OR ANYTHING BC PPL HAVE BEEN RECENTLY :(

I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK AND FUN IN YOUR GIFFING ADVENTURES !!

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 3

part 1: “When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

* 

“Something effulgent”: Season five and the construction of Spike the romantic

Prior to becoming a romantic interest, Spike is everything I discussed in the last section. He is an id and a mirror for Buffy, he’s prone to both romantic exaggeration and cutting realism, and his liminality suggests ambiguity. But outside of “Lovers Walk”, the writing doesn’t actually delve too deeply into Spike’s nature as a romantic. If you stopped the canon at “Restless”, you’d probably think that Spike’s love for Drusilla was intriguing, but that the show hadn’t really gone anywhere with the implications of it, and for all you knew, that might not be an important part of his character anymore. So one of the most interesting things about season five to me, is that in this season in which the writers first consciously, deliberately decide to explore the sexual and romantic tension between Spike and Buffy, they also emphasize Spike’s romanticism more than ever. The choice to define Spike by his romanticism is a choice that follows naturally from everything established about his character, but it was also not an inevitable choice. Therefore, it’s a choice worth looking at in some detail.

Consider everything that “Fool For Love” establishes about Spike, especially the things that contradict what was supposedly canon at the time. It makes Drusilla his sire instead of Angel, meaning that he is sired by a romantic connection, and as a direct result of heartbreak. It makes him a poet living in the middle of the Victorian era, an age at odds with his previous ages of “barely 200” and “126”. Meaning that the writing specifically decides to ignore its canon in order to associate him with an era in which passions would have been repressed (rather than the Romantic era of the early 1800’s or the modern energy of the early 1900’s). Moreover, the episode reveals his entire aesthetic and personality to essentially be a construct. But most tellingly of all, it reveals him to be an idealist. Spike is not just a performance artist; he yearns for the “effulgent”, for something “glowing and glistening” that the “vulgarians” of the world don’t understand. In other words, he yearns for something bigger and more beautiful than life: something romantic. Later, he chases after “death, glory, and sod all else.” Spike may be a “fool for love”, who has a romantic view of romantic love specifically, but the episode is very clear about the fact that he is also a romantic more generally. When Drusilla turns him, she doesn’t tempt him by telling him she’ll love him forever. She tempts him by offering him “something…effulgent”. (Which, in typical Spike form, the episode immediately undercuts by having him say “ow” instead of swooning romantically). The fact that “Fool For Love”, Spike’s major backstory episode, is so determined to paint him as a romantic--and in particular, a disappointed, frustrated romantic--that it is willing to contradict canon to do so, tells you that this choice was important for framing Spike and his new, ongoing thematic role.

I’ve talked in the past about how season five is all about the tension between the mythical and the mortal--between big, grand, sweeping narratives, and the reality of being human. Buffy is the Slayer, but she’s also just a girl who loses her mother. Dawn is the key, but she’s also just a confused and hormonal fourteen-year-old. Willow is a powerful witch, but she also just wants her girlfriend to be okay. Glory is a god, but she’s also a human man named Ben, and finds herself increasingly weakened by his emotions. And Spike embodies this tension perfectly. He’s a soulless vampire with a lifetime of bloodshed behind him, but he’s also this silly, human man who wants to love and be loved. He wants big, grand things, but every time they are frustrated by a Victorian society, a rejection, a chip, a pratfall, or dying with an “ow”. Furthermore, his season five storyline is all about the tension between loving in an exalted, yet often selfish way, versus loving in a “real” or selfless way. 

There was a fascinating piece a ways back that discussed how Spike’s attempts to woo Buffy in season five almost perfectly match the romantic narratives of Courtly Love. In the words of the author:

The term "Courtly Love" is used to describe a certain kind of relationship common in romantic medieval literature. The Knight/Lover finds himself desperately and piteously enamored of a divinely beautiful but unobtainable woman. After a period of distressed introspection, he offers himself as her faithful servant and goes forth to perform brave deeds in her honor. His desire to impress her and to be found worthy of her gradually transforms and ennobles him; his sufferings -- inner turmoil, doubts as to the lady's care of him, as well as physical travails -- ultimately lends him wisdom, patience, and virtue and his acts themselves worldly renown.

You can see for yourself how well that description fits Spike’s arc. He fixates on the torturous, abject nature of his love, and has it in his head that he can perform deeds and demonstrate virtue, and this will prove to Buffy that he is worthy of her. But despite Spike’s gradual ennobling over the course of the season, I think it would be a mistake to see the season as using the Courtly Love narrative uncritically, or even just ironically. The same way it would be a mistake to see season two as using the Gothic uncritically. Spike is as much Don Quixote as he is Lancelot. He is a character that deliberately tries to act out romantic tropes, giving the writing an opportunity to satirize those tropes, including the tropes of chivalric romance. In particular, the writing criticizes Spike’s (very chivalric) fixation on love as a personal agony, something that is more about pain--and specifically, his pain--than building a real relationship. Over and over in season five, he is forced to abandon these sorts of flattering romantic mindsets in favor of a more complicated reality. 

So at first, Spike’s “deeds” tend to be shallow and vaguely transactional. He tries to help Buffy in “Checkpoint” even though she doesn’t want it (and insults her when she doesn’t appreciate it), he asks “what the hell does it take?” when Buffy is unimpressed by him not feeding on “bleeding disaster victims” in “Triangle”, he rants bitterly at a mannequin when Buffy fails to be grateful to him for taking her to Riley in “Into the Woods”, and he is angry and confused when Buffy is unmoved by his offer to stake Drusilla in “Crush”. While these attempts to symbolically reject his evilness are startling for a soulless vampire, and although Spike certainly feels like he is fundamentally altering himself for Buffy’s sake, none of it is based on understanding or supporting Buffy in a way that she would actually find substantial. Moreover, he lashes out when his gestures fail to win her attention or affection. He has an idea in his head of how their romantic scenes should play out, and reacts petulantly when reality fails to live up to it. 

But these incidents of self-interested narrativizing are also continuously contrasted with scenes in which Spike reacts with real generosity, or is surprised when he realizes he’s touched something emotionally genuine. When Buffy seeks him out in “Checkpoint”, his mannerisms instantly change when he realizes she actually needs real help (“You’re the only one strong enough to protect them”), rather than the performed help he offered at the beginning of the episode. At the end of “Fool For Love” he’s struck dumb by Buffy’s grief, and his antagonistic posturing all evening melts away. He abandons his romantic vision of their erotic, life-and-death rivalry in favor of real, awkward emotional intimacy. In “Forever” he tries to anonymously leave flowers for Joyce, and reacts angrily when he’s denied—but this time not because he wanted something from Buffy. Simply because he wanted to do something meaningful. 

This contradictory behavior comes to a head in “Intervention”, the episode in which Spike finally begins to understand the difference between real and transactional generosity. Up until that point, Spike has been reacting both selfishly and unselfishly, but he hasn’t been able to truly distinguish between them, which is why he keeps repeating the same mistakes. Although he touches something real at the end of “Fool For Love”, for instance, he goes on to rifle through Buffy’s intimates in the very next episode. And so “Intervention” has Spike go to extremes of fakeness and reality. He gives up on having the real Buffy, and seeks out an artificial substitute that lets him live out his cheesiest romance novel scripts. It’s important that the Buffybot isn’t just a sexbot, even if he does have sex with her. She’s a bot he plays out romantic scenarios with the way he played them with Harmony in “Crush”, allowing him to almost literally live within a fiction. But then he “gives up” on having Buffy in a way that’s actually real, by offering up his life. He lets himself be tortured, and potentially killed, for no other reason than that to do otherwise would cause Buffy pain. The focus is on her pain, not his. For the first time, he acts like the Knight he’s been trying to be all along. He performs a grand, heroic deed that causes the object of his affection to see him in a different light, and even grant him a kiss. Yet ironically, as part of learning the difference between real and fake, he ceases to press for Buffy’s reciprocation. Through the end of season five, Spike continues to act the selfless Knight, assisting Buffy in her heroism without asking for anything in return. Which culminates in his declaration that he knows Buffy “will never love him”, even after he’s promised her the deed of protecting Dawn, and even though she allows a kind of intimacy by letting him back in her house. He proves that he sees those gestures for what they are, rather than in a transactional light. The irony of the way Spike fulfills the narrative of chivalric romance, is that his ennobling involves letting aspects of that narrative go. 

In a Courtly Love narrative, the object of the Knight’s affection is fundamentally pedestalized. The Knight himself might be flawed, but the woman he pines after is not. She is “divinely beautiful” and “unobtainable”, something above him and almost more than human. This is why it’s so comic that in Don Quixote, which was a direct satire of chivalric romance, Alonso Quixano’s “lady love” is a vulgar peasant farmgirl who has no idea who he is. (Think of the way Spike asks if Buffy is tough in “School Hard” or threatens to “take her apart” despite “how brilliant she is” in “The Initiative”, followed by scenes where Buffy is acting like the teenage girl she is. Or how Giles in “Checkpoint” says that Buffy has “acquired a remarkable focus” before cutting to Buffy yawning.). Although it’s true that Buffy is beautiful, and supernatural, and profoundly moral, she is also very human, and the writing is very concerned with that humanity. Season five in particular, as I’ve mentioned, is preoccupied with the duality of Buffy’s mythic and mortal nature. Thus it becomes significant that Buffy is assigned such a heightened role in Spike’s chivalric narrative. Just Spike is at once Lancelot and Don Quixote, Buffy is at once Achilles, Dulcinea, and a coming-of-age protagonist. 

And part of the “lesson” of Spike’s arc is for him to see both sides of the roles they embody. One of my favorite things about the scene in Buffy’s house in “The Gift” is how adroitly it conveys the dualities of both Buffy and Spike with simple, but poetic imagery and language. Buffy stands above Spike on her steps, conveying her elevated role, and Spike honors the way her heroic status has inspired him by physically looking up to her as he explains that he expects nothing from her. But by expecting nothing from her, and promising to protect her sister, he also honors the fact that she is a real person with no obligation to him, and a younger sister she cares about more than anything. He also honors his own duality by at once making Knightly promises, and acknowledging that he sees through his former delusions: “I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man.” In “Fool For Love” he tried to acknowledge the same duality of realism and romance, by declaring to Cecily that “I know I’m a bad poet, but I’m a good man.” But at the time, he was an innocent, whose desire to be seen, and whose romantic avoidance of “dark, ugly things”, left him unprepared to understand how Cecily really saw him (similar to Spike’s insistence in “Crush” that what he and Buffy have “isn’t pretty, but it’s real” just before Buffy locks him out). Spike is a character defined simultaneously by continuous disillusionment and dogged aspiration, which is why he makes perfect sense as a character to embody a season torn between the pain of being human, and the wonder of the gift of love.

Fittingly, the season ends with Spike’s most devastating loss of innocence of all. He fails to be the hero for Buffy or Dawn (note that Knightly language he uses on the tower: “I made a promise to a lady”), and he loses the woman he loves. He may have become more virtuous, but unlike in a chivalric romance, that virtue wins him neither Buffy, nor something flattering like “world reknown.” The climax of the “The Gift” is full of romance—a god, a troll hammer, a damsel on a tower, a heroic self-sacrifice, a vampire transformed into a Knight—but the end result is that Buffy is dead, in part because he wasn’t good enough, and all that he and the Scoobies can do is grieve. Stories got Spike nothing, even when reality finally lived up to them. It is a swan song to the myths of childhood, and on the other side of Glory’s portal, Spike and the other characters will have to confront a world where those myths have been left behind.

part 4: “But I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.”: Buffy and Spike as a blended self

[ssatoritendou]

Old Spice, Breakfast, & Memory Lane

Pairing: Itadori/reader

Yuuji Itadori

+ summary: Yuuji takes notice that you slept in his sweatshirt. In which leads into a conversation about your future, and talking about your past as well.

Word count: 1.7k

Genre: fluff

Warning: hornee Yuuji

“___, you won’t believe what this cursed- Shit you are sleep,” Yuuji said putting up his hands feeling guilty. He switched to whispering. “Sorry, Babe.” He placed his hand on your head gracefully stroking your hair.

“She looks delicious to eat,” Sukuna said mouth appear on Yuuji’s palm licking the hair under his hand.

Yuuji slaps his hand to his face. “I thought I told you to never do that to her.” He growled.

“Too bad though she smells like you.”

“Just ignoring me fine. What do you mean she smells like me? She always smells fresh like a clean spring day, refreshing.” Yuuji smiled.

“Maybe because she is wearing that gross yellow sweatshirt of yours and smells like your old spice. I have to live with it every day for the rest of my life.”

Yuuji stopped listening to the demon living inside of him and looked at his beloved girlfriend wearing his yellow sweatshirt, that desperately needed to be washed.

He smirked. He got up from crouching and took off his uniform. Slipping into bed behind you wrapping his arms lightly.

You wiggled up against him. He groaned when you did that but he suppressed that thought letting his chin rest on your head.

“No talking for the rest of the night you. She needs her beauty rest.”

“You can say that again.”

As much as Yuuji wanted to fight Sukuna for even muttering another word, he didn’t want to go wake his sleeping angel.

There were only four things that woke up Yuuji. 1) the bright sunlight pouring into his room when he forgot to roll his shades down. 2) Nobara when they need to go on a mission. 3) a wet dream. 4) the smell of food being prepared.

This morning it was the smell of breakfast. He could smell the eggs and sausage being cooked on the small hot plate. He sat upon his bed, fixing his pillows. He found himself staring at you in all your glory still wearing his sweatshirt. He let his eyes stop at your ass and his head fall to the side as he leered your round cheeks peeking out of the grey sweat-shorts.

“Morning Yuuji.” You said without turning around.

“Morn’ baby.” He said in a gravelly morning voice.

You turned your head slightly to say, “breakfast will be ready in minutes.”

“Thank you, baby.” He chuckled as he putting arms behind his head. “Do we have any syrup?”

“Yuuji you think I don’t already have it out for you?” You said to point your spatula towards his bed tray with a bottle of syrup already on it and a small glass of apple juice.

Now you were putting the food on his plate. Turning around with the tray in hand which was set up beautifully, his silverware wrapped in a napkin, his apple juice had a straw in it, a bottle of maple syrup to drown his eggs and sausages in, and a small vase with some wildflowers that grew on the jujutsu tech property.

You did this every time he came back from a long mission.

It was your way of telling him you love him, happy that he was safe and thankful for him.

“Thank you, angel.” He said picking up your hand and kissing it.

“How was the mission?” You asked.

“It was fine. The cursed spirit was weird looking. It was yellow, this was the first yellow cursed spirit I have seen. It looked like a Picasso painting."

You nodded understanding his description. You have only seen them briefly in high intense situations but you don't see them as frequently as your friends.

"It is not like I look forward to them. We are just doing a job and trying to find the fingers as well.”

He started to shove more food into his mouth syrup dripped down onto his chest. “You want to clean this up?” He asked in a flirty tone.

You only rolled your eyes picking up the napkin wiping his chest.

“Worth a shot right?”

“You know I love when you are overly flirty.”

He laughed. “I love it when you wear my clothes.”

“Oh, you noticed?”

"Of course I noticed, I notice everything about you." He said playing with your fingers resting on his leg.

“You even smell like the rat. That god awful old spice body wash and body deodorant.” Sukuna chided into the conversation.

“Stay out of this Sukuna.” You said picking up a sausage sticking it in the demon’s mouth. The demon willing took the sausage and chewed on it.

“You looked so cute last night,” Yuuji said. “I wanted to wake you up and tell you how pretty you look.”

He put his hand on your cheek as you rested against it. “I just can’t see myself ever living without you.” You said.

“Hey don’t think that way. I’m always going to be here. I need you to know that.”

“Yuuji…”

“___ baby, if I weren’t a jujutsu student we would’ve never met.”

That was true. You were Mei Mei’s niece. No clue how it was possible but your parents were both sorcerers and passed away at young age doing their job. Mei Mei became your parent. She never stayed in one place because of her job. You never developed curse energy. Mei Mei was thankful for that. Jujutsu Tech offered you, board. In return, you helped around the grounds.

You remembered the day you met Yuuji.

He and Fushiguro were hanging out by the open concrete archways. He had been sipping an apple juice pouch overly petting Fushiguro’s demon dog. You had been tending to the garden when the carton of apple juice had landed into the bush. You picked up the pouch and stomped over into their direction.

“New blood?” You asked Fushiguro.

“____ this is Yuuji Itadori. Sukuna’s vessel.”

“Yeah, idiot Satoru mentioned it in passing. He never gives the full explanation.” You said grunting.

Itadori was sitting there starring at you during a brief conversation with Fushiguro, finally speaking up when there was a small silence. “That is the most I have ever heard him talk.”

You laughed a little bit. You smiled turning towards him, “Itadori is it?” He nodded. “Keep your trash in the trash bin or live to regret it.” You walked away.

“Who is she?” He asked Fushiguro.

“Thats ____, ___. She is a sorcerer's niece. Her parents were sorcerers. She was raised here for the most part. I’ve known her for a long time. She doesn’t have cursed energy she is normal. But Gojo did teach her how to fight. Be afraid.”

It wasn’t long after that he “passed away” but you were cleaning some of the rooms and you heard a movie playing and walked in and saw Itadori sitting there sipping on his 4 can of soda holding a stuffed bear by its head.

“Itadori? How? I thought—you should be dead.”

“Trust me I don’t understand it either. But no one can know. A small number of people know.”

“So I can’t tell anyone?”

“Exactly.” He said with a thumbs up. And then the stuffed bear knocked him in the face.

You laughed so hard that your insides started to hurt.

Itadori pulled the stuffed bear off of him and got it to calm it down to sleep. He started staring at you again. He started laughing too.

“You want to watch movies with me?” He asked.

“Sure.” You said sitting down and eating some of the chips and drink what was left of Itadori’s soda. “Sorry about that. I haven’t really eaten anything today.”

‘Inadvertent kiss.’ He thought for a minute looking at you in the eyes making an awkward silence in the air. “Uh..yeah it’s fine. What do you want to watch?” He gestured to a stack of DVDs.

You scanned the titles. “Let’s watch Scream.” You said holding up the case.

“Really a horror movie?”

“You fight curse spirits every other day. This is nothing.”

“I just don’t want you getting scared.”

“Pfft.” You said.

You hated to admit it but Itadori was right you did get scared. Only when it was gross. You shoved your face into a pillow.

“You can come over here if you want.” He said looking away from the tv and your direction in general. You moved over closer to him. Over time while watching the movie he put his arm across the back of the couch slightly touching your shoulders.

When the credits started rolling you said. “Itadori if you wanted to ask me out or kiss me you could have.”

“What?”

“Never mind then.” You sighed.

“No no no…I do want to ask you out just didn’t think you would say yes.”

“You don’t think highly of yourself?”

“…I don’t usually have any luck with the ladies.” He said rubbing his head.

“Consider this lady impressed by you.” You giggled.

Itadori leaned down and kissed your cheek.

“You missed.”

“What do you mean I missed?”

You turned your head to him and straddled his lap. “I mean you missed.” You kissed him on the lips.

He was a little stunned by your boldness. He wasn’t sure what to do at first. But soon he melted into the kiss soon putting his hands on your waist.

You pulled away.

“So are you my girlfriend?”

You rolled your eyes. “Of course dumbo.”

Now you were here laying in his bed holding onto him to dear life. Tears were rolling down your cheeks and you were sniffling.

“Angel it will be ok. I can handle myself. You have seen me fight.”

“Yuuji I know that. It’s just the ending…”

“That’s a long time away.”

“Yuuji it’s going to happen. I don’t know what I will do if it happens. Yuuji if you fully turn into Sukuna I might try and save you from our friends.”

“___…”

“Yuuji it’s you. If there was a chance I could save you….” You couldn’t even finish the thought your face started to crumble.

He picked up your face. “___ I understand if it were you I would fight off everyone any way I can.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I promise everything will be ok. We will be ok.”

You nodded your head in his hands.

“Come on little lady let’s watch a movie together.” He pulled you closer to him.

“Scream?” You asked.

“Oh yeah definitely Scream.” He chuckled. Putting the movie on. “I love you ___.”

“I love you Yuuji.” You pecked his lips. He squeezed you in returned.

[thegoodomensdumpster]

ALL THE OMENS

I keep seeing people confused / discovering one or several iterations of Good Omens, so here is a masterpost of everything Good Omens that officially exists (and that I could gather, so there might be mistakes):

WILLIAM THE ANTICHRIST (1987)

The original draft of what would later become Good Omens, written by Neil Gaiman before he teamed up with Terry Pratchett. It notably features a demon called Crawleigh who would then be split into Crowley and Aziraphale.  The draft exists in a book form included in the Ineffable Edition of the illustrated Good Omens.

LINK TO A WTA RECAP (by @fuckyeahgoodomens)

BOOK (1990)

The core material of Good Omens, written by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Exists also as an audiobook read by Stephen Briggs (for the English speaking crowd of course). There is also some audio of David Tennant reading part of the book during the recording of Playing in the Dark: Neil Gaiman and the BBC Symphony Orchestra in November 2019. LINK TO DAVID TENNANT’S READING (by @merinathropp) @good-omens-covers is a blog where you can have a look at book covers from accross the world

MOVIE SCRIPT (1992)

The script for an aborted movie project. Attempts to write a movie script were made by both Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, but this is the one Gaiman ended up tackling on his own after Pratchett wisely decided to step away. The conflicted requests from the producers lead the way to a story that was related to Good Omens only in name. The movie script is only available in few numbers on specialized websites for a very high price.

THEATRE PLAY (2013)

An adaptation by Amy Hoff made with the permission of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, that was played by the Cult Classic Theatre for the Glasgow International Comedy Festival. As far as I know, no footage or script is available anywhere. I know nothing about this play besides the fact that Crowley looks wild. Amy Hoff’s website mentions that GO is currently unavailable for stage production or adaptation. LINK TO THE (BROKEN) PAGE OF THE THEATRE PLAY LINK TO A PHOTO GALLERY OF THE PLAY

RADIO DRAMA (2014)

An audio adaptation originally broadcasted on BBC4 in 6 episodes, adapted by Dirk Maggs and directed by Dirk Maggs and Heather Larmour. It is however available in an 8 episodes longer format (including bloopers) on CDs and such. The cast includes, notably, Peter Serafinowicz as Crowley, Mark Heap as Aziraphale, Josie Lawrence as Agnes Nutter, and a cameo from Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.

LINK TO THE BBC4 PAGE FOR THE GOOD OMENS RADIO DRAMA LINK TO AN IMAGES GALLERY

TV SERIES (2019)

A six episodes long TV series, produced by the BBC and Amazon, that premiered on Amazon Prime in June 2019. Directed by Douglas Mackinnon. The script was written entirely by Neil Gaiman as the whole project was the achievement of years of struggle trying to get a video adaptation of GO, and as promised by Neil Gaimand to the late Terry Pratchett that this would get done. 

The cast still includes Josie Lawrence as Agnes Nutter, David Tennant as Crowley, Michael Sheen as Aziraphale, and many other talented actors and actresses that would be too long to list here but are worth watching. 

As derivative products coming out of the making of the TV series, the script book of the entire show (including cut scenes that were never shot) is available, as well as some storyboards that depict, without a doubt, the least expected looks for Crowley and Aziraphale. The TV series is available for streaming on Amazon Prime, in DVD and in BluRay. The soundtrack composed by David Arnold can be found in CDs, vinyls and mp3 sets.  Additionally, there is a TV Companion book for behind the scenes and interviews that can be purchased, and very few official goodies such as enamel pins, and, of course, the very necessary Good Omens Nail Polish. A Q and A with Neil Gaiman and David Tennant is also available on Amazon Prime, broadcasted live and recorded in May 2020. In 2017, Neil Gaiman made a reading of cutscenes in Austin, Texas, for the Long Center event.

LINK TO THE DVDs / BLURAYs MASTERPOST (by @fuckyeahgoodomens) LINK TO THE SCRIPT BOOK MASTERPOST (by @fuckyeahgoodomens ) LINK TO SOME STORYBOARDS VISUALS: PART 1 and PART 2 LINK TO NEIL GAIMAN’S READING OF CUTSCENES

THE LOCKDOWN VIDEO (2020)

As a direct result of the TV series (and a direct result of a worldwide pandemic and a several months long lockdown...), Neil Gaiman wrote a little script for a short video that is, actually, mainly audio, in which David Tennant and Michael Sheen reprised their roles as Crowley and Aziraphale.

LINK TO THE LOCKDOWN VIDEO ON YOUTUBE LINK TO THE LOCKDOWN VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

MUSICAL (still in developpement as far as I know on this date in June 2020)

An Australia based project that has been years in the making, developped by Vicki Larnach and Jim Hare. So far, what has been officially released on the internet are a few videos of a reading by the actors, a sizzle reel with footage and audio of several moments from the show, as well as promotional pictures. The musical has been played on stage in front of an audience a few times these past two years in a version that is probably rather close to what the end product will be, and hopefully, once the final version exists, it will be made available for the widest audience possible.

LINK TO THE MUSICAL WEBSITE LINK TO THE MUSICAL SIZZLE REEL LINK TO THE MUSICAL INSTAGRAM LINK TO A REVIEW OF THE MUSICAL (by @seraphofshadows) LINK TO A GALLERY OF PICS FROM THE SIZZLE (by @crunchy-goblin)

OTHERS THINGS THAT ARE (AND THINGS THAT AREN’T)

668—The Neighbour of the Beast AKA the sequel that doesn’t exist. Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett talked about writing a sequel to Good Omens, came up with a few things (the most infamous being Aziraphale watching a porno in a hotel room, but only catching glimpses of it and trying to figure out the plot by writting it down in a notebook), but it was never written. LINK TO AN INTERVIEW GIVEN TO THE LOCUS IN 1991 MENTIONING THIS SEQUEL LINK TO A POST ON GAIMAN’S BLOG MENTIONING THE PORNOGRAPHY BIT LINK TO A RECAP OF THE SEQUEL + COTTAGE THING The movie directed by Terry Gilliam Before GO became a TV series, it got stuck for years as a movie project meant to be directed by Terry Gilliam. For various reasons it never happened, and the rumors about Robin Williams being cast as Aziraphale and Johnny Depp as Crowley seem to have started from there. The cottage “canon” The widespread concept of Crowley and Aziraphale sharing a cottage originated from a blog post made by Neil Gaiman, reporting a conversation between him and Terry Pratchett regarding the whereabouts of their characters. Gaiman has since offered the precision that this cottage sharing thing would happen way after the events of the sequel that was never written, so years after Armageddon, and that the location would be Devil’s Dyke in the South Downs. LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST ON GAIMAN’S BLOG LINK TO A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATION (by @irisbleufic) LINK TO A TUMBLR ASK FOR GAIMAN ABOUT THE SOUTH DOWNS LINK TO A SCREENSHOT OF A TWEET BY GAIMAN The New Year Resolutions List (made for Harper Collins, now taken down from their website) A list of resolutions written by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett on request of the publisher in 2005, one list for Crowley, one list for Aziraphale. LINK TO THE LIST ( by @ladylier )

LINK TO AN INTERVIEW WHERE NEIL GAIMAN TALKS ABOUT A FEW OF THE THINGS MENTIONNED IN THIS POST And as an ultimate bonus, as I was gathering all the informations for this masterpost, I found back Michael Sheen’s Spotify Good Omens Playlist. EDIT (02/08/2020): Someone mentionned (in a post I can’t find anymore ?) that on the list of existing merch that was absolutely unexpected, there was a whole collection of Good Omens perfume oils. It was made around 2007 with the approval of Pratchett and Gaiman and was apparently updated when the series came out in 2019. The profits of the oils go to different charities.

I was also reminded of the Chattering Order of Saint Beryl, a group of singers promoting the TV series before its release in 2019.  Their Youtube Channel has a playlist that was last updated in June 2020. There is one video clip of the song Brand New Baby Smell that features a cameo by Neil Gaiman. And I found back @fuckyeahgoodomens‘s masterpost about the merch, even though I mentionned most of these in this masterpost, I’ll include the link for convenience sake.