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pomegranates-and-blood · 4 years ago

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νοσταλγία (Chapter 7)

νοσταλγία Masterlist

Pairing: Ivar/Reader (eventual)

Summary: This is a retelling/romantization of the Greek myth of Persephone’s abduction with Ivar as Hades and you as Persephone. The Reader character is a Byzantine woman, follower of the Greek Pantheon/Religion, and a devoted follower of Persephone. This takes place after 5A, but the universe of this is a little changed in relation with the series, of course. Thank you for giving it a chance, hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 3.0k

Warnings: The usual

A/N: Ik I’ve been uploading a lot of chapters out of schedule, I’m sorry. The Saturday’s ones are never gonna falter, but I wanna upload a lil bit more and a lil bit more often. And on every two weeks on tuesdays I’ll keep uploading spinoffs, but I might upload an extra chapter during the no-spinoff week if the story is going too slow lol.

Anyways, idk if anyone reads these lol, but I’m gonna ask anyways that you please let me know what you think, and hope you enjoy this chapter/story. Thank you!

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius @heavenly1927

King Ivar talks in his sleep, who would have thought? His voice rouses you from a restless sleep, thinking for a moment he calls for you but it’s just rumbles as he tosses and turns. You sigh in the darkness, and suddenly it feels like the shadows are heavier than before, more suffocating, more…more real.

You don’t know where you are walking to, but you don’t stop until your bare feet touch the wet and cold sand.

With your knees pressed to your chest you keep your eyes on the waves breaking near the coast, closing your eyes and imagining the lull of the ocean is the same as the one you heard from the temple in Eleusis.

But the sand is rougher under your bare feet, the waves louder and more enraged, the wind is more biting and less forgiving. And you are alone, alone and defeated on a foreign land of cold and death.

So you open your eyes, because this isn’t home, and reach with cold fingers for the gifted knife you kept in your person despite the knowledge if anyone here wanted you dead you would be so.

Keeping your gaze on the horizon, you take a hold of the wind-swept tresses of your hair and cut a lock at the end of it. A mark of mourning and a mark for all the deaths you are responsible for.

Holding on tightly to the strands of grief, you extend a hand, a farewell to the Greeks that are not to return, an offering to this land that has brought you nothing but sorrow and heartache.

When you open your hand, the hair flows in the cold winds away from you, and you allow yourself a small prayer in Greek to Macaria to bless their sacrifice, to Thanatos for safe passage, to Persephone for warmth, to Hades for mercy.

And, in a selfish moment, you pray to every God in the Underworld not to summon you home just yet. For if the Fates allow it so, you will see to it yourself that the blood spilled is paid forth.

Because if the King’s word is to be trusted, sooner or later you will walk out of his land a free woman. You will return to Greece, even if you have to wade through blood to do so.

You close your eyes, and the faint smell of snowdrops fills your nose, reminding you of spring and loneliness, of teardrops and homesickness.

A part of you tries to follow the tug on your heart and listen to what the Gods try to tell you, but you’re left cold and alone when you try reaching for the Pantheon you’ve come to know your whole life.

The sound of gravel ruffling behind you startles you, and you turn around with a gasp and a strong grip on the knife Ivar gifted you, ready to at least leave whoever is coming to hurt you with a scar to remember you by.

But it is Ivar who approaches you, strong arms dragging him forward as he moves over the cold sand. His eyes stay on yours as he moves, reminding you for a moment of a serpent approaching its cornered prey.

Still, even if your mind refuses to accept it, your heart lurches in relief, and you loosen the tension in your body. Still you remain quiet as he finds a place sitting at your side, moving his legs with ease to stretch them in front of him.

You lower your gaze to your hands, and only then notice the wrong hold of the knife made you injure yourself. The faint streaks of blood in your pointer finger and near your thumb bring to the front of your mind the sting that comes with the wound you opened by holding the hiltless knife the wrong way.

After a moment of consideration, you bring your hand to your mouth and lick off the blood, letting the knife fall on your lap.

Stealing a quick side glance to the Viking has you finding his eyes on you with a strange sense of intensity in his gaze, a quiet sort of…something. You shrug it off, and stay quiet, but his irritated question is quick to break the silence.

“I woke up and you weren’t there.”

You’re startled and annoyed at the entitled tone of his voice, but you still shrug.

“I am a free woman, am I not?”

“So you were trying to escape?”

“You would stop me.” You reply without hesitation.

“And yet you still don’t fear me.”

“If you wanted to kill me you would have already, if you wanted to use me as leverage for court games you will need time to do so,” You swallow the shame, the dread, and continue as your eyes look blindly ahead, “And…and if you wanted to take me, you could have avoided all this and just asked.”

Silence stretches between you, and in a moment of weakness you turn your gaze to find his clear eyes already set upon you, seeking and demanding as they always have been.

“You wanted me.”

The tone of surprise, the slightly parted lips that draw your gaze down to his mouth, the way his eyes search your face; it all makes your foolish heart see him in a new light for a fleeting moment, in the light of the man you met in that moldy cabin that was never yours to begin with.

But you remind yourself of what brought you here, of what he truly saw when he looked at you: a foreign witch to conquer.

So, you remind him that the woman he met, the woman that lingered for moments too long on the lure of his eyes, on the curve of his smile, on his expressive gestures; the woman that thought foolishly she could be anything other than the name and titles bestowed upon her; the woman that started to trust him; that woman was gone the moment he put chains on you.

“I wanted the man I met in Aneridge, I have no idea who you are.”

And with just a few words, any trace of softness, any trace of vulnerability, any trace of that strange boyish glances he used to throw your way when you were just a Priestess and he was just a Viking, are gone.

King Ivar curls his nose in anger, lifting his head a bit as he warns you,

“I’m growing tired of your games, Priestess.”

“Kill me, then.” You bite out, even as your voice wobbles. Because you have heard the stories, you have heard the tendrils of voices not quite human reaching your ears. You know he is as cruel and as dangerous as the whispers say, you know he carries the favor of the Dread Lord, you know he was born to be ruthless, to die and return, to suffer and conquer.

But there’s a part of you that wants to test him, dare him.

Use your strength against me, hurt me, kill me. Make me know what I am to feel for you, make me disgusted, make me fearful. I’m tired of hope.

But Ivar just smiles, a cold and angry smile but a smile nonetheless, and turns his eyes head, choosing silence to reign between you until the sun comes up over those distant waves.

____

You approach the city encased in tall walls, and though awe at its size and life pulls at your heart, you cannot help but feel you are walking blindly into a cage.

There’s so many pale and distrusting eyes set on you, gazes persisting on the things that make you different to them: your dress, your hair, your face, your skin.

And you’re not stupid enough to ignore that even in the way you are brought to port you are separated from the other prisoners, from the Christians the Varangian has brought from across this sea. You sail in the same boat as their King, there’s a distance between you and the rest of the men and women in the ship, you are washed and unbound.

You stay silent, and watch raptly as the King moves away from you as the boat docks, discarding the crutch so he can lift himself up to the pier, and standing up again with help of the crutch and a nearby barrel. He lifts his gaze and immediately finds your own, and a cruel smile starts to spread over his face as he stretches a hand in a mocking gesture to help you up.

“Priestess.”

You take your eyes off his instead, and look down at your dress as you grab your skirts and lift them so you can safely move towards the pier. Standing at the King’s side -because you know he would not hesitate to call you to order, to demand your presence where he deems it so, to tug on the invisible chains around your wrists- you take a moment to look over the lively pier, filled of families reuniting, stands of fishermen selling their captures, slaves carrying baskets of goods around, lives blossoming past the winter that seems to pierce the air of this place.

“So this is to be my new prison?” You ask instead of voicing any other thought, a little delighted in the way you put the King on edge.

He doesn’t hesitate in reaching down and grabbing onto your arm, lifting your wrist between the two of you, his blue eyes challenge yours.

“You’re not a prisoner,” He repeats the lie, and although the mark of your struggle against the chains once set upon you is still there, he seems to want you to believe you are free. “You are my guest, Priestess.”

“Guest.” You repeat, and his eyes narrow, his nose furrows. It is too easy to draw out his rage, to get to see ragged edges and bled truths. And you will always prefer rage, prefer anger and chaos, over the mocking cruelty that’s the mask of the King of Kattegat.

He starts walking and the people move as to open a path for him, and considering your only option is to be left alone surrounded by these intimidating and foreign people, you bite your tongue and follow.

“You should be grateful, Priestess, your life could be so much worse, were you at anyone else’s mercy.”

“I know this is a mercy even if you have none,” You acknowledge, and the King stops walking, looking at you over his shoulder as you calmly walk to his side. You meet his eyes, and clarify, “I will still not thank you.”

He grunts as he turns back around, a movement of his head as he arranges his legs to move with the help of his crutch, and even if his back is to you, you still know he is gritting his teeth, the anger written in the lines of his back, in the huffs of air that leave his lips.

“I know, you still choose to hate me.”

“Ivar,” You call out with more softness than you intended to. After the King hesitates for a moment, enough for you to know he is listening, you reach his side again and in a voice that is almost a whisper you offer, “I will never look upon you with anything other than hate, as long as you are the one with all the power and I’m relegated to following your commands.”

____

You are given time as the King addresses his people to clean yourself up and dress up in some fresh clothing. The dresses that are offered to you, the hair ornaments, the earrings and the bracelets, they all scream of foreignness, of being away from home; so you choose to keep your old and stained red dress.

You are brought to the loud and vibrant main hall at the King’s request, and it is with a gesture he orders you to take a seat on one of the tables by his side, though he remains on his throne. You eye the people around you, laughing, drinking, dancing; the world around you moving on and on as if yours hasn’t flipped upside down.

And the stupid, childish, reckless part of you that has made you commit so many mistakes along the way; that part of you wants to refuse him, wants to stand your ground and deny him of any power over you.

But the ambient presses down on you, like the air when you reach a mountaintop, and the people are too loud and too foreign, and the only thing you’re familiar with in this cold and strange place is the eyes that burn like Greek Fire of the King.

So you take your seat at his side.

The way his cruel smile widens, regarding you like a dog that performed a good trick makes your blood boil. Your hands curling into fists and your lips pursing without your intent only seem to entertain him further, which makes the silent interaction a vicious circle you cannot seem to break out of.

“Good girl.” He mocks, because of course he does, because you are an open book and he is a cruel and insufferable man. But you refuse -and so does your self-preservation- to run your mouth, and instead play a game, like you were taught to.

“There’s a first time for everything.” You answer around a smile that the King starts to return, but a voice from somewhere further back in the hall brings your conversation to a close.

“The witch seems fiery. I wonder if she is that hard to tame.”

You were meant to hear those words and the laughs that follow, you were meant to feel the threat, the humiliation. You know this, but even knowing it cannot keep the crawl of your skin, the shame clogging your throat.

The Christians called you a Heathen. These Vikings call you a Witch. There may be a difference, but you cannot see it. Both will try to beat you or rape you into submission, both will see foreign as inferior.

Although you may not see the man that said those words, it seems that that King Ivar does. The cold eyes of someone that has killed for less and would again set on the warrior behind you, and even if curiosity begs for you to turn around and see their expression, you hold your place.

A mumble of apology reaches your ears, but it is not meant for you, so you say nothing. The King shows a quick and purposely false smile before raising his voice,

“Leave us.”

A multitude of questions arise, but again a glare from the volatile King silences any real questioning, and the room feels so much larger and cavernous once the men have left.

Ivar turns to you, studying you.

“So, Priestess.”

The tales your father used to gift you with of unarmed prisoners being thrown into a coliseum against lions and wolves and all kinds of predators are brought forth to your mind as you stand alone in that empty and cold hall.

“So, Viking.” You quip back, crossing your arms to hide the nervous tremble of your hands.

He studies you for a moment, finally asking, “What will you use your freedom for?”

“For the gift to choose, without fear you selling or giving me away like a barn animal.” You reply dryly.

“I can still do that.” He is quick to say, dangling threats over your head like it truly entertains him.

“Not without breaking your promise.” You say, not aware of how much relief his word gives you until this moment.

The King narrows his eyes, annoyance clear in his pale gaze, and stands up from his throne.

You hold your ground as he approaches you, but he instead chooses to sit in one of the chairs in the now empty table. Ivar motions with a bloodied hand for you to take a seat as well, the movement a flourish in mock recognition of your noble birth.

You sit, albeit stiffly. Drinking what you assume to be mead from a goblet, the Viking King regards you sideways.

“And what are these choices you will make, now free?”

You answer with the first thought that comes to mind, realizing too late you give away a little of yourself in the process.

“Find out what the Christians have done with Attica’s ashes.”

“Your kingdom?”

“My kingdom.” You sentence, and even after over a year of denying the people that traveled with you the right to call you Anassa, you realize now that you have been, albeit crownless, acting like it for so long.

After a few moments the Viking narrows his eyes, “You will not return there anytime soon.”

If it’s a taunt, if it’s a threat, you can only hear the stubborn possessiveness of a child refusing to let go of a new toy.

“But I will return.” You promise.

“How are you so sure?”

Looking to the hall around you, you ask, “You returned here, didn’t you?”

You could swear the King looks intrigued, impressed even, for a moment before he dismisses you with a gesture of his hand. He believes you, though, of this you are certain.

But he says nothing else, shrugging his shoulders and drinking deeply before engaging in discussion with one of the men at his other side.

You keep your eyes on the King, and although for a moment you are distracted from the braces around his legs, and the way they do not seem to work normally, when your eyes continue a path upwards and reach his shoulders and arms, you realize he does not need his legs to fight like the men that decimated Stithulf’s army.

You continue your path to his face, and study the braids that trail through the top of his head to the back of it, the proud edge of his nose, the shape of his lips, for a moment tainted with mead his tongue licks away.

The sound of tables and chairs being dragged brings your attention away from your…ogling. You lift your gaze to see two men in the middle of the hall shake off their upper armor and in the midst of laughs and cheers from the others, struggle and wrestle for victory in the middle of the hall.

It seems you are no longer the novelty in the room, and you allow yourself to relax in your seat for a moment.

_____

Hi, hope you enjoyed! I use flowers and animals a lot to point towards the Gods, either Norse or Greek, so: snowdrops are, according to where I searched, symbols of Freyja, created from her tears when she was first brought to Asgad from Vanaheim, and in her homesickness when the tears fell to the earth the flowers bloomed as snowdrops.

Also friendly reminder this Tuesday I’m uploading Ivar’s PoV of the Prologue! I would love for you to read it and tell me what you think. If you want to be added to the taglist, of course please let me know.

Thank you, hope to hear from you, and hopefully I’ll see you Tuesday! :)

#ivar the boneless x reader #ivar the boneless imagine #ivar the boneless #ivar x reader #vikings imagine #vikings #νοσταλγία masterlist

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broadwaycantdie · 6 years ago

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Newsies as Marina Quotes

( marina and the diamonds but she changed it to just marina cause she an independent woman , lmao idk why really but it’s still her )

ps i love her so so much , i just to listen to her years ago and like forgot about her and just now remember so i’m reobsessed

two per character cause i love too many lyrics

————————————————————————

Albert: “You don't love me, big fucking deal, I'll never tell you how I feel”

“Don't get on my bad side, I can work a gun, hop into the backseat baby I'll show you some fun”

Bill: “Don't do love, don't do friends I'm only after success”

“I know exactly what I want and who I want to be, I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine”

Buttons: “Do you think you will be good enough to love others and to be loved?”

“Whenever he's around I put on the crown of clowns and melt slowly to the ground”

Crutchie: “All I ever wanted was the world, I can't help that I need it all”

“And I don't belong to anyone”

Darcy: “You say Y-E-S to everything, will that guarantee you a win?”

“One track mind, one track heart, if I fail, I'll fall apart”

Davey: “You'll find me in the lonely hearts, under 'I'm after a brand new start'”

“Was I meant to feel happy that my life was just about to change?”

Elmer: “The good are never easy, the easy never good”

“Yeah, you may be good looking, but you're not a piece of art”

Finch: “I never sang for love, I never had a heart to mend, because before the start began, I always saw the end”

“I wanna stay inside all day, I want the world to go away”

Henry: “Love will never be forever, feelings are just like the weather”

“You can't have peace without a war”

Hotshot: “I wish I wasn't such a narcissist”

“Bet you wish I couldn't speak, cause when I do you know I tell you why you appear weak”

Ike: “Driven by a greed to succeed, nobody can stop me”

“Could never tell you what happened the day I turned seventeen”

Jack: “Cause it's my problem if I wanna pack up and run away, it's my business if I feel the need to smoke and drink and sway, it's my problem, it's my problem if I feel the need to hide, and it's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die”

“It's okay to say you've got a weak spot, you don't always have to be on top”

JoJo: “Sad inside, in this life, unsatisfied praying, sad inside, in this life, unsatisfied waiting”

“And the day has come where I have died, only to find I've come alive”

Katherine: “Do I need to lie to make my way in life?”

“I guess you could say that my life's a mess, but I'm still looking pretty in this dress”

Kenny: “When you give, I want more, more, more, I wanna be adored”

“Can you teach me how to feel real?”

Kid Blink: “Don't want cash, don't want card, want it fast, want it hard, don't need money, don't need fame, I just want to make a change”

“You know I'd rather walk alone than play a supporting role, if I can't get the starring role”

Les: “Adolescence didn't make sense, a little loss of innocence, the ugly years of being a fool, ain't youth meant to be beautiful?”

“You say that I'm kinda difficult, but it's always someone else's fault”

Mike: “They say you used to be so kind, I never knew you had such a dirty mind”

“I'll chew you up and I'll spit you out cause that's what young love is all about”

Mush: “I know I've got a big ego, I really don't know why it's such a big deal, though”

“So pull me closer, and kiss me hard, I'm gonna pop your bubblegum heart”

Race: “Cause I feel like I'm the worst so I always act like I'm the best”

“We're all very lovely 'til we get to know each other, as we stop becoming friends and we start becoming lovers”

Romeo: “Hit me with your sweet love, steal me with a kiss”

“I can't help the devil likes to make my heart a double bed”

Sarah: “Never felt like a princess, I used to kid myself in this dress that it was just how things were meant to be, oh seventeen”

“People like to tell you what you're gonna be, it's not my problem if you don't see what I see and I do not give a damn if you don't believe”

Smalls: “Look like a girl but I think like a guy, not ladylike to behave like a slime, easy to be sleazy when you've got a filthy mind”

“I'm gonna be your bubblegum bitch”

Sniper: “And now I see, I see it for the first time, there is no crime in being kind”

“Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, sold my soul, and yeah the truth hurts”

Specs: “I wanna drink until I ache, I wanna make a big mistake, I want blood, guts and angel cake, I'm gonna puke it anyway”

“I wanna be a virgin pure, a 21st century whore”

Spot: “Cause the only time you open up is when we get undressed”

“I live my life in bitterness and fill my heart with emptiness”

Tommy Boy: “I wanna be completely weightless, I wanna touch the edge of greatness, don't wanna be completely faithless”

“High achiever don't you see, baby, nothing comes for free”

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survivorcordillerablanca · 7 years ago

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Episode 4 Confessionals

RTP is a monster. Anyway, we fucking crushed that immunity. I wanted Jordan pines voted out. I've only ever played one org with him and he was my nemesis and I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with a nemesis in this one. Why couldn't Willa have done better

we won the music video.. and my ass edited a full video plus a roast after never using adobe premiere before so im pretty shook!! our tribe definitiely seems more... "kumbaya" than the other tribe which... eh. i want the drama! but other than that our tribes good. i def feel like ive been getting complacent with talking to people so im gonna start trying to ramp back up my social game to how it was in the first round hopefully?? i need to start talking more and making bonds. (not much i can really do though, willow katie and chris are on the bottom) i just have to ensure theyre still on the bottom and hopefully keep katie safe for me to work with?? willow and chris can go i guess. also charlotte can go too tbh. like id prefer me/bryce/zach/katie over me/bryce/zach/charlotte but a returnees alliance is easier to put together, so ill work with charlotte!! idk why i dont wanna work with her i just dont get a good vibe from her?? sounds dumb but im trying to trust my gut. and ... yeah not much has happened and i dont wanna make major waves just yet.

Free rice is so fun and not having to do grammar? Amazing! Hope I can do well in this challenge to show I'm useful. I feel like their isn't a lot of socializing happening on our tribe but I'm gonna try to change that. katieare propane torches dangerous? I want to go get one at home depot today. katiehere is my second confessional: charlotte seems chill I wonder if she will work with me in this game?

WILLA IS FINALLY GONE. God I can't believe he didn't compete in a single challenge and managed to not get first boot. We did Emma so dirty, I can't believe it, bring her back. Anyway, going in this reward challenge I'm not too fussed about whether we win or not, it would be nice to see what the Wishing Well is all about but eh, I'm not too fussed. Immunity is what I really want because now that we got rid of the dead weight I think the fingers may start to pointed at the winners AKA me and Jay. We have enough votes to tie it since Jordan is with us. We could potentially swing Adam but he's very much linked with Ryan who is linked with Lexi so it's...a mess. No tribal pls @ immunity gods!

Wow we won another challenge. Is the other tribe even trying? I didn't want to submit too much in case I seemed like a threat so I'm happy that I didn't do the most and we still won. I never find anything in the wishing well tho. Wish I knew who was picking the right number. But focusing on the positive, we won again!! ryan matthewi literally don't know what to do if we go to tribal. i won't want the full jordan pines experience to be blindsided by him. obviously lexi and i are a duo so im hoping we have options if that happens....

So I was looking over my Malaysia confessionals for some reason. What started as me trying to find my FTC speech turned into me reliving horrible and painful memories of Mitchell Kalabang calling me an idiot in many creative ways. Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I noticed that I made a lot of good, detailed confessionals in that game and I want to make sure I can do the same here for Athena. Well as of now, I think I'm in an okay position. I make a bit of chit chat with everyone now and again. I'll need to step that up today though just in case we go to tribal. I admit I've been slacking in my relationships with anyone who's name doesn't rhyme with Pordan Jines. I did congratulate Ryan on winning Kvaløya and told Adam that I'm not gonna vote him out, so that's something. Lexi also came to me and was like "I promise I'll do better on the challenge next time." Like I'm some authority on effort. Ryan probably told her that I was a little annoyed that no one tried in the video challenge. To sum it up, Jordan Pines will always be targeted before me so I am perfectly content letting him take the reins for the time being. I have decent relationships with Ryan and Adam. Lexi is with Ryan for sure. And Luke sketches me out just like every other game I've played with him. I hope we win immunity.

So we need to win this immunity or we fucked. Like it just doesn't make sense to me. On this tribe we have me jay luke ryan and adam. In theory we should never lose a challenge, but theory is dumb and we lose everything. Like we've managed to keep a cohesive group that i honestly think genuinly likes each other but like, if we lose its all over. If we win this immunity we can hopefully swap and go into it 6-6 and maybe bring katie over to our side. If we lose however everything is done. We go into what may be a divided tribal and lose any hope of keeping a tight 6. We can't lose. Dear god let us win immunity BryceCurrently I'm worried about Zach/Charlotte but I still trust them just something to look out for. Hoping we can win this immunity but if not I think I'd want chris or willow out probably but I'd fall back on my alliance with Zach/Charlotte/Carson

So of course our next immunity is a typing challenge. With this other tribe as insanely fast at typing as they are, I'm really not liking our chances at winning this immunity. I've been pretty busy the past couple of days so I feel like I may be in trouble if we lose.

wait i did that wrong; Katie Shoots Target # sorry i wasnt here on time

I love nothing more than a true underdog story. Zach and Bryce came in the fucking CLUTCH and pulled out that win for us. I can't believe it. In all my days of winning immunity challenges with a tribe, this is probably my favorite one. I'm so happy. I genuinely like everyone on my tribe and I'm so happy we aren't splitting up. Cue RTP laughing at this confessional because we're probably gonna have a swap next.

LOOK AT US WINNING IMMUNITY. SAFETY IS A GOOD COLOR ON ULTA!!!!!

Like ik im probs jinxing something but this game is boring nobody wants to talk game. also everyone just ends conversations after they respond to how are you, and i try and make small talk... like?? whatevs. im focusing on this game and i rlly wanna make merge. (also zach + bryce killed it woo i love them) nothing is rlly happening in this game which sucks. i predict that therell be a swap next round which is.. eh?? idk how i feel about that but im hoping i wont be swapfucked. (also i think im acc becoming good friends with zach and im happy hes gr8!!)

Wow me and Zach scoring all the points is good. I don't want to be seen as a challenge threat tho in case we swap and I'm somehow not in numbers. It's odd how like everyone hounds Jordan Pines and I can't tell if its jokingly or if hes enemy number 1 FJSDFHSJDF. I'm glad to not go to tribal and to have a 7-5 advantage. Whenever I talk to Willow we talk about nothing for like 2 minutes and thats it. Hasn't eaten meatloaf wish I were her, but hasn't had enchiladas? suspicious... Maybe shes vegan but even still how can I trust someone who doesn't know the goodness of an enchilada. Really wish I had some idea what was happening with the other tribe. Not being in a one world situation is different and I wish I could talk to them more to get a better picture seeing as how I'm going in blind if we swap/merge. Anyways that's all for now

I am well and truly fucked. I slept through all of my alarms last night and ended up missing the immunity challenge which we LOST. Guess what the agenda for the last two people who were voted off was? They didn't compete in challenges. Guess what I just didn't do? COMPETE IN A FUCKING CHALLENGE. God I'm so screwed. My only hope right now is that Jordan and Jay don't hate me enough to vote with me and try and break up the duo of Ryan and Lexi. I'm going to have to pray that Adam will want to work with me too otherwise the vote will tie and I do NOT trust Jay enough to go to rocks for me. Jordan might do that but I don't trust Jay at all to risk his life like that for me. I have a lot of work to put into today so...pray for me.

WE WON IMMUNITYT! I'm so happy, i need to make two confessionals so this is one: im so happy i pulled through. I tried so hard to focus and make sure we didn't go to tribal because genuinely I like everyone on our tribe andd i'd feel bad voting anyone tbh. im not best socially right now and i think i need to use this time critically. I PROMISE ILL MAKE BETTER ONES NEXT ROUND HEHE

tribe assessment: bryce- iconic king. he's good at challenges, and i think him and i are semi close. i'm down for working w him and i think he's a good asset carson - my favourite i guess? im closest to him, him and i talk a LOT, and he's super fun and social. i'm a lil worried down the road ideally because of his social game, but for now he's an ally charlotte - her and i are in two games together, so it's risky. i trust her and like her, but our social game w/ one another isn't like phenomenal or anything. She is super sweet Chris - Like... him and I talk a fair amount, not a lot, but he's super cool. I love his puppy (or whoevers puppy that is) and i think he's super sweeet katie - similar as Chris. her and I dont talk a LOT but shes really cool and i think she's a good asset challenge-wise. willow- i love her she's so sweet but she never replies (or often, at least) so RIP! I do think ill end up working w her down the road though, she's a queen -- overall i do like everyone so going to tribal would be awful because i have to vote one out. BUT, theres been speculation on an upcoming swap too... so that's intense. but, nonetheless, im here for twists!

Nope. Thats all i got to say. Like we should have won that. and we didnt and now im mad. And we had a good group of 6 like it was the perfect group of people. But no. We now have to go down to 5 and fuck this up. So thanks RTP. Thanks a lot. Adam might go, he might now? i dont know. I dont care. Just give us a win please.

I'm trying to get the vote on Adam and I feel like even tho jay and Jordan agreed, just the way their talking to me making sure everything's alright with the plan and the fact Adam hasn't tried to PM me I feel like they're just lying

Ok so this is my immunity challenge confessional. We never win reward so i knew we were probably doomed and will never see the wishing well. but i didnt really care about reward. NOW FOR IMMUNITY. im alittle nervous because i feel like since we got rid of the non actives i'm the next in line. So i did my best for the immunity challenge. I mean i got 2 out of the 4 points we scored so i did half the work which in my opinion shows i care a bit. we were in the lead and then the other tribes whole fucking tribe comes out of nowhere and kicks our ass and im just like .....bye

Ok this is my before tribal council confessional. So after we lost ryan created an alliance with me,himself,jay, and jordan. which ok i dont trust jordan that much but i gotta take what i can get. They all want adam out even tho luke didnt do shit for the challenge. Which i like adam but not enough to try to switch the vote. So i prevoted adam but ryan and i feel like some shady shit may happen and one of us will go since people know were best friends. I'll raise hell if ryan goes and hopefully he'd do the same if i go. But i guess we'll see

Man this idol is gonna be so hard to find asdjkfadjsk wish their were hints to it AdamIt sucks that we lost the challenge. I didn't help much more than trying a few times in the beginning. I think I'll like it better when I can do individual challenges, cuz then I only have me to do the challenge so if I don't do it its just skin off my back. I have to make it there first, and that requires good relations with my tribemates, so I can't slack off anymore if I want to maintain that. I hope a swap comes soon, but not with the numbers stacked against Copa tribe members :/

I don't know what I'm going to do about tribal. I voted Luke but it really blows that we lost because I really liked all my teammates. I guess that's on me, maybe I shoulda done better and then we wouldn't be down a tribemate. Consequences and junk. I hope I'm not getting blindsided. I wouldn't put it past Jordan but it seems early in the game for that when we could be really good allies. Just depends if he trusts me I guess. I'm a loyal as fuck though, so I'm gonna make Jordan my main bitch this time. Only depends on if I'm his main bitch. Let's see if we go far together

Hahahahahahahahahahaha I found the idol. But its like one world style or w/e b/c I found the copa idol. And I had to give it to someone without knowing them and without them knowing i sent it. Thats unfortunate b/c I could bond with them but I guess if me and Luke are ever on the same tribe I can let him know and work with him. I was thinking Zach and Charlotte were really close but Charlotte didn't know about the idol map so maybe they aren't. But yaa I just asked my alliance to tell me who to give it to because I have no idea about any of those people having never played with them. Carson initially wanted me to give it to Jay O but then I decided to ask my whole alliance for input to try to make it seem like I'm close with them and want to stay together, which I did. And that's when they said lets give it to Luke. Also Anyone But Jordan Pines 2k17 which made me laugh

OKAY! I FORGOT TO DO ONE BUT ITS RIGHT AFTER TRIBAL SO HERE I AM! Adam is gone. Good. Me, Pines, Ryan, and Lexi are aligned. Meh, at best. If we lose, the original group of me Pines and Luke will split up their duo. Go us!

Did I do a confessional already? I have no idea. I'm in three games. Sue me. We won immunity this week so TBH I stopped paying attention after that happened. BUT HEY, APPARENTLY YOU CAN SEARCH FOR IDOLS AND I DIDN'T KNOW OOPS. Fuck, I'm the worst. How am I still here?

#NotAGameForLapdogs

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