#i paused after that chapter and wrote a draft of the second and third paragraphs of this post

[ilovedthestars]

On System Collapse, Sanctuary Moon, and saving one another.

I said the other day that System Collapse might be my new favorite Murderbot book. The first time I thought that was in the middle of chapter eight, the chapter where Murderbot and its humans make a documentary to show the colonists what the Corporation Rim is like. The whole book was good, but that was the chapter that felt like it was reaching out to me the most.

The thing that struck me about it is how Murderbot saves the colonists with media. It was saved by media—Sanctuary Moon helped it rewire its neural tissue, process its trauma, find a place for itself in the world. And coming up with the idea of using media to convince the colonists is what drags it out of the depressive state it’s been in for the entire book up to that point, and lets it start to feel hopeful again. It literally tells us in its narration that the emotional reactions it has when it comes up with this idea are similar to the ones it had watching Sanctuary Moon for the first time. The thought of creating its own media, of finding a way to tell the truth and be listened to, of being able to keep people from being trapped in the corporate world it knows all too well, is just as much of a lifeline for it as Sanctuary Moon was.

Murderbot has been been feeling like a failure as a SecUnit for the entire book, and it finds its way out of that not through regaining its normal SecUnit competence but through art. Something it was never meant to experience or understand, let alone create, but something that shaped who it is. It takes the thing that saved it and turns it around to save others—and saves itself again, in the process.

And the other thing that jumped out at me, thinking about chapter eight, is that so many of us have been saved by media, too. So many of us have been saved by Murderbot, in big and small ways. I’m certainly one of them. Murderbot and the community of readers who love it gave me the space to stop and consider some things that (not unlike Murderbot) I hadn’t really been willing to examine. And now I get to figure myself out in a community full of aspec people who understand. Murderbot has given that opportunity to a lot of people.

Martha Wells has talked in interviews about how parts of Murderbot were based on herself. She says, in her introduction to the Subterranean Press edition, that media “probably saved [her] life as a kid,” including the kind of media that isn’t “cool” to be saved by. We’ve seen that in Murderbot ever since the very first line of All Systems Red. What we saw in chapter eight of System Collapse goes a step further. It makes me want to hold a mirror up—I hope Wells was aware, when she was writing it, that what Murderbot does for the colonists is something she’s done for a lot of others.

The colonists that Murderbot saves with its documentary are not real people. That scene, of course, is fiction. But it’s the kind of fiction that’s true in all the ways that matter.

I really love Murderbot. Not in a weird way. 💜

[millennial-ring]

Haunted Chapter 26.5

Tobi sat upright in bed, back against the wall and laptop resting on her outstretched legs that were tucked under the blankets despite the summer heat. Her bright green hair was pulled into a messy bun, stray pieces of hair falling out to frame her face. She kept having to push them behind her ears because they annoyed her, but she made no effort to properly pin them back. It was 5pm on her day off, and she still wore her pajamas, not bothering to change into real clothes despite her and her roommate’s plans to get Chinese before her roommate had to work. They’d both slept all day, exhausted and overworked.

 Tobi’s hands hovered above the keyboard uncertainly, the exhaustion showing on her pale face. The bags under her eyes –which she usually liked having, since they gave her a “dead inside” look without having to apply make up at 7am- were much darker thanks to the 18 hours she worked in the last two days. She was attempting –and failing- to write the next chapter of her fanfiction, Haunted. She kept writing one or two sentences, then deleting them. Now she stared at the blank word document like it was mocking her.

 “Fuck this,” she muttered, setting the laptop aside and getting out of bed. Her little black cat, Salem, chirped in protest at being woken up, and Tobi proceeded to get distracted with petting the cat for a good 5 minutes before she managed to make her way to the kitchen.

 “Drink of champions,” she said to herself as she pulled out her third Vanilla Coca-Cola and cracked open the can. As she took the first few too-big mandatory gulps she recalled that this very drink had inspired her Fanfiction.net username –VanillaKokain, because the sweet vanilla-laced beverage was just as addicting as that white powder.

 (In the real world, not fanfic self-insert land, the Real Tobi takes a second to retrieve her own Vanilla Coke from the kitchen before resuming the crack fic.)

 Though she really hadn’t done much but write maybe two paragraphs, collectively, she considered taking a break and making something to eat. She wasn’t particularly hungry, but she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had anything to eat, so she set down her Coke and grabbed a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese – the new Star Wars shapes, because fuck you, the shapes taste better.

 As she was turning to grab a pan from the cupboard above the sink, she spotted two people who were definitely not her roommate or friends, and dropped the box of BB-8 shaped noodles.

 Sitting there on her couch among the dozens of decorative pillows were none other than Malik and Bakura; more specifically, the versions of the two characters that existed in the Haunted universe. 

Malik wore his beautiful golden hair up in a ponytail, his outfit consisting of black skinny jeans and a white-to-lavender gradient tank top that Tobi had wanted to draw him in again. Bakura, meanwhile, wore his baggy red hoodie and grey sweat pants, his body surrounded by the weird, other worldly shimmering that Tobi always worried she didn’t describe very well.

 The two men stared at Tobi, and for a long moment, Tobi stared back, too shocked to do anything but try and control her breathing so she didn’t scream. At length she picked up the can of Coke and checked the ingredients. “Did they start putting actual cocaine in this shit?”

 “I’m pretty sure cocaine doesn’t make you hallucinate after one hit.”

Tobi shook her head, her eyes wide and an unhinged smile working its way over her lips. “No, you’re right, of course, I knew that. So this must just be a hallucination brought on by exhaustion and sleep deprivation and where is my phone I need to call chef and ask for some time off because I obviously need a damn vacation if I’m starting to talk to hallucinations of my two favorite YuGiOh villains!” The more she spoke, the more shrill her voice got, and at the end she took a deep gasp of air after not taking a single breath.

 “Oh, we aren’t hallucinations, sweet heart,” Bakura purred, and Fanfic Tobi didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe at the pet name. Real Life Tobi thought it was hilarious, though, so she left it in there.

 Tobi stared at them a moment longer before suddenly grabbing a ghost shaped salt shaker and chucking it at Malik. It hit him solidly in the shoulder and spilled salt everywhere.

 “Ow! What the fuck!” Malik rubbed his shoulder and stood, shaking and brushing the salt from his clothes.

 “Holyshityou’reREAL.”

 “Yeah, Bakura literally just said that.”

 “But- how- I don’t- you’re fucking fictional! Okay, this has to be a dream.”

 “We aren’t a dream, either.”

 “No, you totally are, because I have weird dreams about anime characters all the time.”

 “But in how many of those dreams do you acknowledge it’s crazy to see two anime characters in your house?”

 Tobi opened her mouth, a finger raised in her customary “Well, actually,” pose. She closed and opened her mouth a few times, trying to think of something to say, but in the end she gave up and pinched herself.

 Fuck. Definitely not a dream.

 Malik smirked as the reality finally, finally dawned on Tobi.

 “Okay, but how, and why, are you two fuck heads in my living room.”

 Bakura snickered. Malik pulled something from his pocket and held it out for Tobi to see. A glowing golden cube floated above his palm, one corner sheared off and replaced with a YGO-styled Eye of Horus.

 “Ah. Yes. The Fanfic Device. Of course.” She paused for a moment, then frowned. “But how the hell did you get that? You guys are totally AU. There’s some stuff in your universe that’s based on canon, but the Dimensional Cube shouldn’t exist at all. Neither should any of the other Items.”

 Malik nodded, tossing the cube from hand to hand. “You’re right, it doesn’t exist in our universe. We stole it from our Abridged counterparts when they entered our universe.”

 “Your Abridged counterparts? I never wrote- oh shit. A Way Home.��

 “Precisely.”

 Tobi shook her head, raking her fingers through her hair and managing to pull more out of her bun. “No way. I just reread that fic a few days ago and YGOTAS Malik and Bakura never visited Haunted. It wasn’t even referenced.”

 “It was off screen.”

 “That’s…convenient.”

 “Right? Anyway, point is we stole the Cube and used it to travel to this stupid self-insert crack fic you’re writing like it’s fucking 2005 again.”

 Tobi rolled her eyes. “Why? Why would you come to this fic when there are a thousand others you could go to?”

 “Because we needed to talk to you, and this is the only YuGiOh fanfic where you exist, aside from Where’s The Tan.”

 “We don’t speak that name in this house.”

 It was Malik’s turn to roll his eyes at Tobi’s dramatic reaction. “Believe me, I want to forget it exists, too. Thank god you only got three chapters in.”

 “Anyway,” Bakura cut in, moving to stand beside Malik. “We’re here to tell you to get off your lazy ass and start writing our story again.”

 Malik nodded in agreement. “We’ve been stuck in fanfic purgatory for five months, Tobi. Five months!”

 “And you left the last chapter on such a cliffhanger, too!”

 Tobi raised a brow. “It wasn’t that much of a cliff hanger.”

 “My clothes just disappeared. You were definitely implying I passed on. But even we-“ he motioned between himself and Malik- “don’t know if I did or not because you haven’t even started the next chapter!”

 “I’ve started the next chapter,” Tobi said indignantly.

 “Yeah, because writing two sentences and then deleting them is definitely starting a chapter.”

 “Hey, it’s an emotional chapter! And how do you not know what happens when I’ve outlined up to chapter 30?”

 “Because that doesn’t count as a fanfic. We can’t travel to it and see what happens.”

 Tobi grumbled something under her breath and rubbed her forehead. “So you stole the Fanfic Device from Sitabethel’s Abridged-based Verse and traveled to this specific fic to chew me out for not updating?”

 “Yup.”

 “Oh my fucking god that’s so stupid.”

 “You’re the one writing it.”

 “What?”

 “What?”

 The three stared at each other again in silence before Bakura scoffed.

 “Come on, how hard can it be? Just write the rough draft, at least! That technically counts as fic, and we’ll be able to travel to it and see what happens.”

 “If it was so easy I wouldn’t really be struggling so much to write this chapter, would I?”

 Bakura opened his mouth to retort, but Malik shushed him.

 “Just do what you can, Tobi. We’re just anxious to see if we get a happy ending or not.”

 Tobi winced. “I mean…Do you want spoilers? Because I can tell you what happens.”

 Malik shook his head. “I’d rather experience it.”

 “Same,” Bakura agreed.

 Tobi sighed and picked up her forgotten box of Mac and Cheese, brushing a tuft of white cat fur from it. “Alright, I’ll see what I can do. But I really am exhausted from work, so I don’t know how soon I can get it done.”

 “Like I said, just do what you can. Just don’t keep us waiting another five months, yeah?”

 Tobi huffed and smiled. “I’ll do my best.”

 Malik nodded and activated the Fanfic Device. A projection of various fanfics appeared in front of him and he began scrolling through realities in search of their own universe. Tobi watched, fascinated with the variety of AUs. While he was looking for the Haunted dimension, Tobi spotted a familiar scene and tensed.

 “Wait, go back!”

 Malik looked at her oddly but did just that, scrolling backwards. The scene on display was one of Malik spooning Ryou, while on the other side, “Amir” was spooning Bakura. Bakura and Malik exchanged confused looks, but Tobi was grinning.

 “The Only Human universe! I’ve been obsessed with this fic forever!” She turned to Malik, giving him a puppy dog eyed expression that would have been adorable in an anime or cartoony style, but in the real world where shit was 3-dimensional it looked awkward. “Can you please go there and see how many chapters it takes until that Marik get truly comfortable with Kek and Ryou?”

 “You mean, how many chapters are left until the big conspireshipping lemon?”

 Tobi just grinned.

 “No.”

 Tobi’s face fell.

 Malik flipped forward to their own dimension, the screen displaying Malik’s empty bedroom, exactly how she’d always imagined it. He tilted his head to the portal. “Come on, Bakura. Let’s go relive chapter 25.”

 Bakura grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.” Without ceremony he slipped into the portal and disappeared.

 Malik took a step forward, paused, turned back to Tobi. He looked troubled. “I…don’t want spoilers, but… Is there actually a happy ending?”

 Tobi chewed her lip. “There’s a lot of pain coming your way but…technically speaking, yes. There’s a happy ending. For everyone.”

 Malik smiled. “That’s all I needed to know.” With that he stepped through the portal and, just like that, Tobi was alone again.

 Tobi rubbed her forehead, glancing down at her half-finished Coke. With a frown, she grabbed the can, chugged the remaining refreshing beverage, and slammed the can back down onto the counter. She took a few steps towards the bedroom, determined to actually properly begin that rough draft, but her growling stomach stopped her.

 “Okay… First, Mac and fucking Cheese. Then I’ll write some angst.”

[learningniv-blog]

The Misery Saga | 1

Prologue

Quiet interestingly, this is the 3rd time I am writing this. I actually intended to put it up on my little tumblr site, which I still will. However, the first time I crafted an elaborate description of what am I trying to do and why am I even trying — I was blessed with a power cut. Thus I learned the lesson that Tumblr, unlike Medium here doesn’t save draft on it’s own. The second time I started, I took special care to avoid issues with power cut — I wrote on my cellphone. To check if the tumblr app let’s me save draft, I save a draft after a paragraph. Thus I learned that the Tumblr app has a bug that doesn’t let me retrieve the saved draft.

Hence, I am here in the Medium app, again writing all of this. Please stay patient while I explain what is this.

It has been a long while since I had some personal projects going on. I also have been detached from programming or academia for a long time now. My knowledge around those now are rusty as an anchor sunk in the ocean since 1680. Things started to change to a positive note at the beginning of this year and took off a rapid transformation in last few weeks. With the encouragement of a few potential collaborators, including one of my dearest friend Talha Siddique, possibilities of few proper personal projects were really good. So I made a quite ambitious or downright impossible plan. Trust me, even John Wick, a man with focus, commitment and sheer will find it a little tougher than usual. I am not John Wick, I am rather a John Weak. So it’s nearly impossible to reach goals, but even if I finish half of it by the end of this year, I will be better than last year’s version of myself.

This saga, is my way of curating my experience during my journey through my plan. This will be my place to vent out, share, reach out, and keep a piece of myself preserved.

Interestingly enough, I will not be showing or telling anyone what is the plan actually. There are many good reasons to that. First of all, throughout my experiences over the past few years I became skeptical about sharing goals and plans. That expectedly allows people to have an expectation from myself. That adding to my pile of expectations from myself, creates a little too much pressure to handle. I am not eager to deal with those. Secondly, the plan is actually an amalgamation of 5 different plans, making it the most ambitious crossover after Avengers Endgame. Each different plan gets it place in it’s own pace. I have actually taken months to think it through, and it may turn out to be quite incomprehensible to a lot of people. And finally, the plan has milestones and rewards set for those milestones. However a lot of them are highly personal and it’s far more comfortable for me to not share them.

Satisfy your curiosity with my uninteresting description of my experiences.

So yes, welcome to the stories of my miseries.

Out in the Field

The first day of jumping into the black hole of my plan gave me enough miseries that if there is slightest strain on truth in the proverbial “Morning shows the day”, I am doomed. The journey started around the noon, in 37 degree Celsius. I sat down with a book of Linear Algebra, which has gathered heaps of dust by sitting in the same place for ages. I love Linear Algebra, and this love increased after I was out of the university. I wanted to get my brain out of the calculation based style of teaching maths which infected me through general pedagogy. This particular book actually starts with more general concepts: Fields, Vector Space and Subspace. That’s just the first chapter. Half way through I was stuck while I was trying to wrap my head around a quite trivial and simple fundamental concept. The lead me through an hour of Google searches and ultimately made me learn some concepts of Functions.

It has happened due to language barrier. You see, English is my second language and math is my third language. So when I encountered a quite concise sentence partly written in mathematical notation and partly in English — it gave me some trouble.

After that, I thought it was enough conceptual punishment for today. It is time to “Pause and Ponder”.

So I gave myself a pat on the back and went out to have a cup of tea.

Windows and Doors

Talha, one of the closest friends I have proposed me to do a project to brush up programming skills. To which we came up to a small project idea: to create a small calculator program, with trigonometric functions and root finding. Adding GUI to it, it sounds like a small thing but can be a whole lot of programming. To notch up the challenge, along with Java we both are tackling one programming language we haven’t got much experience in. I chose Python and Talha chose C++.

After finishing my pondering, I came home and started setting up my PC for development. Thus I learned why people in dev circle prefer Linux a lot.

It’s absolutely bonkers to find a good editor/IDE keeping in mind that my machine is almost a decade old. I tried atom, which confused the hell out of me. Git gave me a good headache while connecting to the remote repository — I ultimately failed to have a SSH connection. If Vim wasn’t a pain in every sense to learn, I would have just decided to go with it. Finally chose to calm down and get good old Netbeans — which recently became Apache Netbeans.

After dealing with that, it was time to setup Python. I decided to just install Anaconda distro and keep it. I’ll go and check on it later.

Opened up a Java project, did some playing around, and decided it was enough for today. Pushed all the commits, updated the Contribution Guidelines of the project, and peacefully went of to write about today’s experience.

End of the Day

I have already discussed what a day full of miseries it was, and the end of the day was the peak of it. Third time writing this, while forcing myself to stay awake way past my bed time is a bit annoying. Also I am very crossed about the fact that the power cut took away my gaming time.

Hell, my mind need to relax and prepare for more miserable days like this. So here am I, already in my bed, writing the finishing sentences before I press publish and relax.

Note: This will also be there on my Tumblr. I’ll probably put Tumblr as the main hub, where more unfiltered contents will also be there. However, summarised posts like this will appear in both Tumblr and Medium.

Also a big thanks to GBoard for Android. The suggestive system is brilliant.