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akirathedramaqueen · 14 days ago

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CBT and Exposure Therapy: Blitzø Showcase

An important (really, don't skip) disclaimer

If you are contemplating whether or not you would benefit from any kind of therapy, consider consulting with your medical provider first. While I did my best to validate all the points made using publicly available resources, I am not a medical professional. At the very least, I strongly advise that you do your own research and not take some amateur's opinion about a character from a silly demon show for granted.

"Everyone in this show needs fucking therapy STAT!"

We hear fans screaming into the void every now and then. Me too. I plead guilty and I willingly put myself in custody. But I am not taking these words back.

Especially often it is being said with Blitzø in mind, who, as hinted earlier and clearly shown in the latest episode, Ghostfuckers, is not doing okay. Not in the slightest.

Which is . . . yes. Indeed, trauma-ridden Blitzø is a major problem for both him and those around him. Yes, we see him reaching his lowest point now exactly because he left these gaping wounds untreated for so long.

But the tricky question is—how, though? What to do? Will a good talking to a confidante help? Or, maybe, some kind of shock would snap him out of the spiral?

I've been pondering on this topic for more than 4 months, and, as the Ghostfuckers came out, I finally got all the data I need to prove a point. The show did all the job for me and effectively made Blitzø go through improvised versions of two popular therapy techniques. And, before I even start, I want to say—I am so glad with what we ended up with. What they did, and, more importantly, didn't do, aligns well with how it would likely happen in real life.

So buckle up, and let's see where it gets us!

Therapy # 1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT

This is, in essence and with some corrections, your good old talking. Here you can find more information about it, so, if you're not familiar with the topic, I recommend following the link first.

But, very shortly: CBT is an extremely common approach to be tried while you're dealing with anxiety, depression, and a number of other mental disorders. What it aims to do is to help you get past unhelpful thinking (distortions) and learn not to act on it.

Looks like it fits the bill, right? Blitzø has a lot of issues with self-fulfilling prophecies, infuriatingly stupid assumptions, poorly thought-out actions . . .

But he's not like, you know . . . w-we're not, like . . . we're not doing a . . . w-we . . . what's betw— It's a transactional fucking, you see.

If you don't feel like coming, that's OK! I'm sure I can do without it for one month. :)

Stolas only cares about having a rugged peasant raw-dog him into his matress! It's nothing, ya know . . . it's nothing else.

You . . . no longer have any obligation to see me, to touch me, to bed me . . . You are— you are free of me.

He sees things which aren't truly there.

It's not Stolas giving him space after the disaster in the 'Ozzie's.' It must be Stolas not needing him anymore, getting tired of him.

It's not Stolas caring about Blitzø. He is a royal, why would he care how an imp's day he happened to be fucking was?

It's not Stolas setting Blitzø free and putting an end to a problematic transaction they had with the hope for it to grow into something more. It's him getting rid of Blitzø.

As a result, he ends up hurting himself and the relationship he had with that one sad gay bird he happened to fall deeply for but literally trashed in his own house twice, acting on nothing more than frenetic fear of losing Stolas, but in reality, driving him away even more . . . for good.

I mean, you royal fucks think you can do this every time, like you can just play with our feelings because we're smaller and not as important!

Ha! I'm right, aren't I? You get off getting plowed by people you look down on!

And I can sorry more people, everyone but you! 'Cause I don't owe you dick! Everyone, but you . . .

So, the case's closed? Let someone—say, Millie—talk to him and tell him how wrong he was about himself and the others?

Well, here's the thing. Despite him being infinitely wrong about Stolas's intentions, we can't deny the fact that every one of his beliefs was not, in fact, a distortion. It'd led him to wrong conclusions, yes, but it was built on the information he received and legitimate experiences he had in his life. Here are only some of the facts connected to only this situation with Stolas, but there are other problematic behaviors and other reasons for him acting the way he does.

Fact # 1. The circus fire did happen, and Blitzø was the reason for it. Unintentional, and of course it wasn't his fault, but it still ruined the lives of many people—him included. Blitzø cannot act like it never occurred.

Fact # 2. Hell is divided by class and race. Their situationship with the grimoire was an embodiment of that inequality. A lot of Blitzø's outburst during the Full Moon and later in the Apology Tour was connected to it, to his beliefs that Stolas is the same as the rest of the privileged circle. Beliefs, I stress, justified by the real world. Stolas is more of an exception, and even then, his behavior is only different when it comes to Blitzø. He still acts the same toward other imps.

Fact # 3. We knew about Stolas's intentions all along, but before that fateful Full Moon, what Blitzø saw was Stolas avoiding him and not communicating the issue the Ozzie's date had raised. And before Ozzie's? Stolas did act entitled and inappropriate. He was baby-talking to Blitzø and used derogatory terms while addressing him. The dude literally called him an impish plaything in the Truth Seekers.

Fact # 4. Blitzø's heavily implied (though not officially confirmed by the show) existing conditions—ADHD*, BPD**, PTSD, and dyslexia/dyscalculia***—do affect his life, and while Hell seems to be somewhat receptive of neurodivergence, he still has to deal with it every single fucking day. He is going to be avoidant and afraid to be abandoned at the same time. He is going to hate himself. His learning disabilities are going to make his life harder. No way around it.

Note: *, **, and *** contain links to separate meta-analyses from @timkontheunsure and @tealvenetianmask about the respective conditions and how they show themselves in Blitzø's case.

And my beef with CBT here is exactly that. CBT's goal is to gaslight you into believing your distortions hold no water and suggests you just ignore them. And, as I've shown with Blitzø, these reactions and assumptions aren't baseless. They are legitimate, and, in fact, sometimes help to get by. Even though it's a crooked crutch, you can't learn to walk properly by just throwing that crutch away. You're still going to limp, and oh, will it be painful.

This is oversimplistic and dismissive. Anxiety and depression don't come out of the blue, and with mental disabilities, it's even deeper. The class/disability stigma is alive and strong, and just slapping a "you're fine" bandaid on your traumatized self isn't going to help.

Therapy # 2. Exposure therapy.

Exposure therapy is another approach commonly used while dealing with traumatic past and its aftermath—PTSD, anxiety, phobias, and such. Again, if you're not familiar, there's the link for you, but very shortly—the therapist puts the patient in a safe environment and 'exposes' them to the feared object in question for limited periods of time. The goal is to eventually get rid of the targeted fear and decrease avoidance.

And Blitzø has got some phobias for sure.

The fear of letting everyone down. Again.

And the fear of abandonment. Again.

All of it is a result of self-hatred, sitting so deeply it rules his life and his vision of how others perceive him. Said it himself. Almost.

So, where and how does the show expose Blitzø to his traumatic past?

First, the most recent, and the most obvious one—Rolando and his slideshow of all traumatic events Blitzø ever had in his life.

Second—Blitzø's drug trip in the Truth Seekers. While it does not contain the events of the past as they were, it does force him to face his fears.

Are you worried I might have enough of it one day as well? . . . You're going to die alone! . . . You're going to die alone, Blitzo!

With some stretch, the third one is Verosika's 'Blitzo sucks' party. Where Blitzø was forced to see the consequences of his avoidance and rejection.

Note: to be clear, I do think the party does not show the true extent of Blitzø's actions and how much he'd hurt people. It was exaggerated by Verosika, and here I explain why this is the case.

So, what gives? Or, rather, what gives it not?

It might sound funny now, considering I brought it up myself, but I, once again, say this is not therapeutic, just as CBT kind of 'talking.' If anything, all these three events did more harm than good.

The D.H.O.R.K.S.'s goal in the Truth Seekers was to torture the information out of Blitzø. He was not supposed to overcome it. He was supposed to crack.

The Verosika's goal was to ruin Blitzø's reputation. She was working her ass off to prove he's just a heartless freak.

The Rolando's goal was to fucking kill Blitzø.

And okay, their motivations had nothing to do with helping him, but maybe it did, in its own twisted way?

No. The writers added this to push Blitzø past the breaking point, not to heal him, and to show us more of his lore. Each time he was forced to face his past or fears or consequences, he was only spiraling more.

The only thing which did him some good was . . . well, Millie finally seeing his bravado mask falling off. But the cost of it was way too high. Not worth it.

To the therapy's defense, some points why it would never work in the way it was done in the show:

Blitzø had never given his consent and was not ready to face it. I might be very rude right now, but go and try producing some explosion-like sounds in front of war veterans without letting them know first and see what happens.

The amount of fearful experience exposed was way too overboard. He couldn't possibly digest it in a healthy way.

The environment was not safe. It was straight-up retraumatizing, an intentional one.

So there's that.

But what helped then?

We've briefly brushed over the fact Millie did talk to Blitzø. While I did imply this might be an example of CBT, here are some key deviations from the classic therapy which made all the difference.

Millie didn't sugarcoat all the shit Blitzø did. He was hurting their business. He didn't pay her. He was reduced to Bethanie. It showed her opinion can be trusted.

Millie apologized for not being there for him sooner. She admitted she relied too much on Blitzø being bulletproof, unbothered by everything. She admitted she didn't support him in a way he always did.

While proving she could never hate Blitzø, she used their common story, one he knows and can recall. She used evidence to prove him wrong, not a "it's all in your head" bandaid. And more than that, later she proved it with action—not for one second did she believe Rolando and his shittalk about what Blitzø supposedly was thinking about her. Her unwavering faith spoke more than any words ever could.

Getting back to exposure therapy . . . Metaphorically, she reminded Blitzø he can handle a beating or two. And physically beat the infestor demon out of him, which, as we can see later, didn't really affect Blitzø that much. He wasn't even battered. So, apparently, when the said exposure is done by someone who genuinely tries to make you feel better and knows your limits well, it might just work?

And finally, Millie acknowledged Blitzø's pain. She didn't brush it away. She validated him.

What all of this is about?

Like every treatment, too much of a medicine can become poisonous. So are CBT and exposure therapy.

They might help, and lots of research shows they do in certain cases. But there are limitations to what they can and cannot achieve, and they have to be adjusted to each individual story, to each trauma, and they should not be applied as a way to mend the outcome of the trauma without taking into account the story it comes with. Again, legitimate concerns and experiences cannot be brushed away or ignored.

Actualy . . . we've seen where it leads in the show too. In the beginning, Millie was quite dismissive of Blitzø's worries—all of this over a . . . breakup?

And here it comes full circle.

Only when Millie started taking Blitzø seriously, did it help them progress. And look how quickly we've switched from a complete despair to a glimmer of hope! Isn't that a beautiful closing scene?

As a closing note—we do not need to 'fix' Blitzø. After all this shit he went through, there won't be a day where he wakes up and be like, "Hey, I don't hate myself anymore! And look, I'm not afraid to be abandoned or misunderstood!"

I'm sorry to break it to you, but this is a lifelong battle. Being mentally whole, healthy, and constantly happy is no more than a myth, and everyone has their own demons and skeletons to deal with.

What Blitzø needs is some good support system to pull him back when he's down.

And boy, do I hope that one particular owl will fill in that role of unyielding pillar for Blitzø each time our lizard will fall into that pit again. Look, I love Millie, but there's only so much she can do. She can't be always present, she has her own life . . . and her own disaster of a husband to look after (affectionate <3). Here and here @lost-romantique talks about Stolas's capacity of loving, with me occasionally nodding, ha-ha. But to be short—it's fucking immense. And since he loves words, I do believe he has all the energy to tell again and again and again how awesome Blitzø is. Even if Blitzø wouldn't believe it himself.

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bridgetoesoteria · 2 days ago

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🌛Empowering Messages From Hecate🌜

(top to bottom)

I have been wanting to post a spirit guide messages reading for awhile, but this idea really clicked for me.

For those of you not familiar with the goddess Hecate, she is one of the bad ass goddesses. She has a really interesting story for anyone that is into greek mythology.

Pile 1

You have more options than you realize. You are more powerful that you allow yourself to be. Some of you may have a domineering figure in your life that you are trying to separate from. I think you will probably know who or what this is, because it is a chapter you know you need to close out. If you have been fighting some kind of uphill battle it is okay to walk away. There are good things waiting on the other side of this decision. Amazing things that you deserve. There's nothing wrong with being your own person. Sometimes you will have to go it alone.

Affirmation Card: Today I am resourceful; Today I will turn anything into an opportunity.

Pile 2

You should stand in your power fully. I'm not sure what that means but the vibe I am getting is that you have a lot of internal strength you can rely on. I think right now would be a good time to manifest some bigger things, because I keep hearing "ask and it is given". For some of you, this could be you milking a certain situation and getting what you can out of it. For example, your job didn't appreciate you much before, but now you have another offer from a different company. The ball is in your court now. If you wanted to stay at your current job, you could ask for anything you want and probably get most of it. So, I think this kind of energy is surrounding you at this time. This could honestly be your energy in general but you don't tap into it often enough. Start using your gifts and connections to benefit you!

Affirmation Card: Today I am adventurous; Today I will get out of my comfort zone and try something I've never tried before.

Pile 3

All piles kind of had a theme of "standing in your power", but I guess that makes sense given the topic. This pile seems to have more fear. Fear of letting go. Some of you want a divorce or to back out of a wedding? That is what the imagery looks like. For others of you it's like someone is coming back around, trying to make you second guess leaving them behind? You are being encouraged to remember who you are, and who you are becoming. Don't regress to past versions of yourself or let the pain of the past keep you chained up. If there is happiness and ease entering your life, embrace it. It doesn't mean something is wrong, it means things are going right! Finally, you don't owe anyone shit. You have new, amazing things to look forward to. You have every right to move on.

Affirmation Card: Today I am brave; Today I will step up to every challenge with courage. (Accidentally pulled two cards! I confused myself). Today I live in the present; Today I will start with a smile. I am in control of my attitude

I hope you enjoyed your reading! If you would like a personal reading, check the pinned post for info.

~ K

#tarotcommunity #tarot reading #tarot #intuitive readings #pick a card #pick a pile #pick a card reading #love reading #love tarot reading #divination #oracle cards #channeled message #hecate #spiritual growth #spiritual journey #spirituality #spiritual awakening #spiritualgrowth

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recaptchalater · 1 year ago

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You can worship all of the gods

There seems to be this perception online right now that a god has to reach out to you personally through signs and omens and mysterious dreams before you can start praying to them.

There's also this idea that you have to establish a close personal relationship with every god before you can ask them for anything.

People ask things like "I want to work with [deity], but they haven't reached out to me. What can I do?"

I'm not saying this modern version of worship is wrong, but it's vastly different from how gods were worshipped in the past. You don't need a close relationship with a god to pray to them. People who were closer to specific gods were closer to them due to their lifestyles, and the things they were prone to pray for.

Sailors prayed to the Dioscuri for safe passage because they were sailors.

Soldiers prayed to Mars for strength in battle because they were soldiers.

People prayed to gods based on the things those gods were in charge of, the things they did.

You might wonder, if there's no pre-established relationship between myself and this god, why would they help me?

The answer is offerings. Offerings are a transactional relationship, given and received. A gift for a gift. And they didn't always take place before the gift was given, either. It was equally common for a person to pray something like;

"Mercury, if you deliver me safely on my journey then when I arrive I will pay to have an altar raised to you in the town I find myself in."

We know this because there are a great many plaques on offerings and even buildings devoted to the gods, describing the debt owed to the god, by whom it was owed, and what was given in payment.

If you want to worship a god, just do it. You don't need anyone's permission. Just start praying to them. If you want something from them, give something in return. It's far more straightforward than many people make it seem.

#paganism #neopaganism #gods #witchcraft #witchblr

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keruimi · 10 months ago

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Found Myself Because of Her

Obanai Iguro x reader

Comfort!

Note: I just hope that this fanfic can help you realize something. Mention of self-hate, sexual assault, death, and scars. Not proof-read

__________________

When did everything start? When my eyes suddenly just started to look for her.

An unfamiliar woman that just caught my eyes during my journey to the Ubuyashiki Estate as she played with the children of the village.

The woman who I lock gazes with as she sends a smile to my way that made my heart skip a little.

It was the first time I saw her in that village that made me question my fellow Hashira who she was.

How can she have a huge effect on me?

"Oh, she was the woman you saved from the Entertainment District" Shinobu informed me as the gears on my mind started working.

"She must be strolling around the village"

Somehow, seeing her with the younger generation made me think how it feels to be near her.

Seeing the happiness of the kids she is playing with, made me curious on what kind of woman she was.

Why does that kind of woman end up in a place like the Entertainment District.

Until destiny finally let us meet again. She made a huge impact on me as her first impression was still lingering on my mind.

The happiness she showed when she met me.

I never saw someone that happy when they saw me.

"You must be Obanai-kun that Shinobu is talking about" she started as she bowed towards my direction that made me lower my head to return her greetings.

The moment she raised her head to see me, I felt my heart skip a beat.

That made me question how beautiful she is.

"Here" she handed me a book as I stared at it. "It's a book of appreciation"

Poetry...

I took the item from her hands as she properly stood up. "I never got the chance to thank you. I owe you my life"

I quietly observed the book she gave me before I brought it closer to me before giving a nod to her.

"I was just doing what I was supposed to do" I finally muttered a sentence as her eyes widened a little before she look down.

"Well at least you still did..." I heard her mutter.

I felt her gaze soften before she uttered the words I never knew I would hear for my entire life.

"You are unknowingly the writer who chose to continue my story that was already reaching its ending"

I felt silent on her words that made me feel that saving someone is indeed a big deal.

I finally felt like my actions finally had a huge impact on someone. I let out a small smile under the bandages that were covering the lower part of my face.

I saved someone...not only physically but mentally too.

That was the first encounter we had. And I silently yearn for the next one.

On the four walls of my room, I flip the pages of the book she gave me.

How can I forget... That I love reading these things.

A small smile lifted from my lips when I remembered her. There was no day that I didn't read the book that reminded me of her.

A book that comforts the person in me. It was like an eye opening for me.

Nobody is perfect.

Nobody is born as a mistake.

The person you are today is shaped by the painful past that you have lived in.

Nobody is cruel;

Nobody is completely free

From the chains of hatred they have locked themselves in.

In life, you can be at the highest peak of the mountain,

Or at the floor of the deep ocean.

But it shouldn't be a reason nor an excuse to suffocate yourself.

You are beautiful, just as you are.

Love yourself, it's never too late

It feels like, destiny is finally comforting me. That reminds me how deep my self-hatred is.

Because I look like the monster I fear when I was a kid.

How long can I fight the demons that have been living in my mind?

How long will I last?

~•°•~

"Obanai?" I heard her voice below that made me look down and just saw her smiling up to me.

"Don't you want to eat lunch with us?"

I shook my head and I didn't hear her bother me anymore. And the moment I finally went back to reality, there was already a rope on the branch above me as she pulled herself up while carrying a basket.

I just watched as she did her best to reach me.

To be close to my distant personality.

"You should eat. I'm the one who cook it" she stated as she landed in front of me and started setting up the small table and the food she brought for me.

"Take care of yourself, Obanai." She looked at me with her soft gaze. "You need it to keep going"

I felt a pinch in my heart on her words as I let out another small smile under my mask.

I'm thankful she is trying to take care of the body I am abandoning.

I whispered a small thank you before she decided to leave to give me the privacy I need as I look at the food she made.

I felt tears slowly build up in my eyes as I thought to myself...

How long will I hide the ugliest part of me?

Our path keeps meeting and I found myself watching her gracefully dance under the moonlight like a free soul that is not ruined by the world.

I felt the cold breeze as I sat on the floor of the gazebo as my thoughts went hazy again.

I want to know her more. I want to know how she learned those comforting words she never failed to utter every time we meet.

It's God, finally giving me mercy?

Is he finally willing to cure me from the past he let me experience?

The past that was still engraved on the very part of my body. The body he gave me, is it wrong for me to hate it?

"Obanai?" Her voice made me snap my train of thoughts as she walked closer to my direction.

I internally compliment how she looks good at the light yellow kimono she was wearing.

How can someone be this beautiful?

"Are you okay?" She asked me with a small frown on her face as I lifted my lips to a smile but immediately stopped as I imagined how I looked without it.

"I'm fine"

I am not...

She quietly sat beside me as we both gazed at the garden in front of us whose beauty was completely shown by the moon that illuminates its light.

I felt her giving me side glances as she was really thinking if she would ask me to let out myself.

I know that but... Maybe I just want someone to ask.

If I was really fine. I want someone to ask, if I need someone.

Because I badly needed one or I would really lose against my own insecurities.

"I was known for being Tengen's first wife" I heard her mutter that made me turn my head in her direction as she didn't remove her attention in the garden.

"No one knew who I was" she stated as a small smile lift from her lips.

She was Tengen-san's rumored first wife?

I want to know how she ends up where she is now as I properly sat on the floor.

"Tengen is a nice guy. But that alone was not enough for me to survive with his family. Because of that action I made, it ruined the relationship we both have" She continues her story as my thoughts wander again.

Tengen never mentioned her...

"Ever since that incident, there is no day I didn't endure the torture of hatred his family had when he was not beside me. But knowing we were not in good terms yet, I never mentioned it" she finally turned her head to look at me.

Her smile never faded from her lips.

"Obanai, I have scars too" it felt like our surroundings went silent when she let out those words.

It was a moment where she was sharing the most painful part of her story that was not heard.

"There are times I want to cry so badly because I won't have the same perfect body I have when it was marked on me. It was permanent damage to my body, it was a painful strike to reality."

"That's why I left him" She whispered as she let out a low chuckle before facing the garden again. Yet my eyes never left hers.

"I was burned, whipped, poisoned, and beaten. Because I killed a person, I killed one of his brothers" my eyes widened from how she states every word without any hesitation.

Is it really okay to share this with me?

"Now that you heard the reason why I experience that kind of torture, what do you think of me?"

I saw her eyes turned glossy as I felt my heart ache with her.

Burned, whipped, poisoned, and beaten everyday? If I was her, would I kill somebody too?

I wouldn't.

Because ever since I was a kid, I was scared to protect myself. I was helpless.

"I wouldn't kill someone knowing he is important to the person I love. No matter the torture I went through." I finally spoke my mind as I looked at the moon above us.

"But what if it was self-defense? What if that was the only choice so I won't get rape? Would you still blame me?" I snapped my head in her direction when I heard her words.

Rape?

"Then I can't blame you for it..." I breathlessly whispered and a smile lifted again from her face as a look of slight happiness adored her face.

"You see, we were characters of an untold story. People's opinion is based on who's telling the story. Whether we would become a hero or a villain, it was already a decision we can't decide"

I listen to every word she says.

"People's thoughts are something we can never control. So even if you're perfect just the way you are, in their eyes, you have flaws and that's okay" she turned in my direction before lifting a hand to ruffle my hair so I just lowered my head so she could reach it.

"It's okay to be quiet, it's okay to stay silent. But you should be aware when your limit is" I felt her hand lower as it reached one of my cheeks.

"I know you're experiencing your own war with yourself but remember"

"You have no one but yourself" we both stated in sync as she gave a thankful smile before caressing my cheek.

"Ourself is our worst enemy, but also our greatest ally. Never forget that"

And that night, the painful past we both have buried was opened again.

And I found comfort in the woman I never spoke too much with. I found my heart softened on the time I cherished with her.

It felt like I finally found the partner I needed to survive.

I never knew that the night could be this peaceful. It felt like the haze on my mind was finally clear.

Having the strength to look at myself again in the mirror, I slowly removed the bandages that were hiding the ugliest part of me.

I heard Kaburamaru near me as I traced the healed mark on my mouth.

"Is this really fine to show?" I muttered to myself as I looked at myself in the mirror.

Seconds passing and I already felt the fear and hatred creeping behind me as I tried my best not to look away from the mirror.

You are beautiful, just as you are.

I shut my eyes to calm myself down as I felt Kaburamaru circle himself on my wrist as I slowly opened my eyes after I calmed myself down.

The moment I looked at myself back in the mirror, I thought of a question I should have asked long ago.

"Why did I hate you?" A tear slipped from my eyes as I weakly muttered those words.

Nobody is completely free

From the chains of hatred they have locked themselves in.

"It was never our fault..."

The person you are today is shaped by the painful past that you have lived in

"How come I hated you?..."

"You have no one but yourself"

The God just harvested those sinners who have committed grave sin. Whether they died or not because of me...

It was not in our control anymore.

~•°•~

I found her sitting under the Sakura tree, seems to be sewing my haori that I forgot at the gazebo yesterday.

I walk closer to her as she looks up when she hears my footsteps. She greeted me with a smile as I kneel in front of her and sat at the heel of my foot. I watched how she went back to sewing my ripped haori.

"I never got to know your name" I decided to break the silence as a giggle pass her lips.

"Pardon me, I'm Y/n" she playfully introduces herself and manages to lift a small smile from my lips again.

"Thank you for clearing my mind yesterday" I continued and she showed me a gentle smile before tapping my cheek.

"You need it"

I felt my heart warmed from her words as I decided to sit beside her and face her direction where no one would see my face.

I want to know if she is willing to stay or leave.

"I want to show you the scar that ruined me" I whispered to her that made her tie the threads when she finished what she was doing.

She turned to face me.

"Go on" she muttered and I felt nervous if I was doing the right thing.

Noticing my hesitation, she gave me a gentle smile. "I won't leave"

Hearing her assurance, I slowly removed the bandages that were covering my face as I hid it from the world.

Her eyes never left mine as I completely removed the cover.

Please don't leave me...

Without wasting any second, I felt her hand on my cheeks as she gave a proud smile as her eyes started to turn glossy.

"You did great" she whispered and I can't help the tears that were building from the corner of my eyes, attempting to escape.

My trembling hands touch her own as she drapes my haori on my head.

"You did it"

I can't forget the happiness she felt for me and my heart chose her over and over again.

I want her to be with me. That made me ask to court her and she gladly accepted it.

She was the person my tortured soul needed.

When we became a couple, I was the happiest. I didn't care about her past anymore.

I was her present and I would make sure I would be the one with her in the future.

My relationship with her is nothing but happiness and comfort. Something I never had nor given with.

I never hesitated on going to her arms for comfort or even assurance. A side that I only show to her and only her.

It's hard to show it during the daytime with many people watching.

I also saw her scars that littered her body. Some left a mark, some completely healed.

I just found myself tracing the scars of the whip on her back as she put some cream on her body.

Both of us would love any flaw in each other's body.

And I can't ask anymore for a better partner like her.

While on the left side of her hips, the burn is found. There are bruises that have already turned darker than her skin color so it's not easy to hide it.

She was silent the whole time I observe her body. I decided to snake my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me that made her look at the mirror just to see me.

"The scars never makes you less beautiful" I softly whispered as she let a gentle smile before kissing my cheeks.

"I know..."

Our body became a book where the scars of our past are written.

Having someone like her, all my fears disappeared.

I would trade the world for her

#kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #hashira x reader #love #kny #kny fanfic #kny hashira #comfort #demon slayer obanai #obanai x reader #kny obanai #obanai iguro #obanai iguro x reader #Spotify #obanai x reader comfort #kny iguro #demon slayer iguro #iguro #iguro x reader

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 2 years ago

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Not You

Summary: While Dean and the reader are working a djin case, the hunt goes wrong and they wind up stuck in the djin’s perfect little world made just for them. Dean owns his own successful line of garages and the reader is a school teacher and stay at home mom to their three small kids. Dean and the reader know it’s not real and that they have to find a way out before they get sucked into their own bubble of happiness...

Pairing: Dean x reader

Word Count: 1,300ish

Warnings: language, fight

A/N: Enjoy!

______

“Oh, crap,” said Dean. You blinked open your eyes, taking in a bright, sunny room. Sitting up, you found yourself in a bed, a king sized bed, soft sheets all around you. Looking at Dean you found him staring at you, green eyes slightly narrowed.

“Did that djin get the drop on us?” you asked, turning your head and taking in the nice master bedroom.

“Good, it’s you,” he said, giving you a quick hug. “But also, crap it’s you.”

“Sam will come and find us,” you said.

“Or if we bite the bullet in here, it’ll be enough to shock us back awake,” said Dean. “I bet this place has a kitchen with some fancy knives or something.”

“This better not hurt,” you said, rolling out of bed the same time as him.

“Hopefully we’re not strung up out in the real world,” said Dean. He took your hand and you walked out the door.

You nearly fell back on your feet when something went past quickly and down the hall.

“Sorry mom!” said a boy, probably around ten years old.

“Dad, can we have pancakes for breakfast?” said a girl, maybe a year or two older, rushing out of a bedroom nearby.

“I want bacon,” said another girl, this one around seven if you had to guess. She went with the other ones down to the stairs before they all ran down them, pairs of feet rushing around below you.

“Who’s dream world is this?” you asked.

“I always wanted a little girl with you,” he said quietly, pulling you back into the room.

“I wanted three kids,” you said, Dean pursing his lips. “We’re sharing a dream world.”

“Apple pie life,” said Dean. He shut his eyes and sighed. “We need to wake up.”

“Agreed,” you said. You and Dean walked down the hall and down the stairs to the landing, then down some more, finding two kids sitting on a couch watching cartoons, the littlest one sucking on a juice pouch as she climbed up onto a counter stool.

“Daddy. Bacon please,” she said. You went past her and to a butcher block full of knives, grabbing two and skirting out of the room. “Daddy?”

“We’ll be back in a minute,” said Dean, following you around the corner to a dining room in the front of the house.

“Just do it quick before we get sucked in,” you said.

“Wait,” said Dean, grabbing your wrist. “The djin. It didn’t glow blue, remember? Wasn’t it like purple?”

“Yeah? So?”

“What if it’s a different version of djin, you know, like the one with Charlie was,” he said.

“If we stay, we die,” you said.

“We could end up killing ourselves if we do this. A purple djin is not normal. I just...give Sam a little more time to find us. If we don’t snap out of by the morning, we do it then.”

“Dean, one night in here-”

“It’s one day. I survived out in the real world for a day in here,” he said.

“We have no idea if time works the same. We could be-”

“One hour then,” he said.

“I can live with an hour,” you said. “In the meantime...let’s cook breakfast for our fake kids.”

“Alright. I could do with some bacon myself.”

About fifty nine minutes later you were watching Dean laugh with the girl that’d requested bacon. Dean had promised to make cookies with her after breakfast and they were busy washing up some dishes in the sink. The boy and girl tucked into either side of you on the couch.

“You’re not real,” you said, loud enough for them to hear you in the kitchen.

“Of course we are,” said the boy next to you. You stood up and Dean walked over, resting his hands on your arms.

“One more hour?” he asked.

“No. We’re getting suckered in as is,” you said. He frowned and gripped you tighter. “Ow.”

“One more hour,” he said.

“Oh fuck!” you said, Dean grabbing you and pulling you flush against his chest. “You’re not Dean.”

“Took you long enough,” he smirked. The kids disappeared and he wrapped a strong arm around your back, pining you to him. “In case you’re unaware, purple djin? They do something special...you’ve read about it before in the lore…”

“Oh god,” you said, trying to get away from him but he was an image, nothing to truly fight against.

“Dream and then a nightmare,” he said. “My own special blend of nightmare. We all know how Demon Dean treated you and you gave Dean some distance when he first got back. This face hurt you and it’s gonna hurt you again.”

“For your information, he was on that hunt with me, he-”

“I’m your head. The twisted version but I know what you do. I’m sure he’ll get caught too and then it’ll be a party,” he said.

“You can’t do anything to me. It’s my head. When I want to wake up-”

“Should have stabbed yourself earlier,” he said, pushing your wrists behind your back. “Normal Dean, yeah you could take him in a fight if you had to. But me? The demon kind? You got no chance, sweetheart.”

“Fuck you.”

You stomped on his foot and he grunted, giving you enough space to at least get an arm free. You spun away from and slammed back with a punch to his gut he wasn’t expecting. You kicked and got your other arm free but he swiped your feet out from under you. He was on top of you fast and reached behind his back, pulling out the first blade.

“Now you’ve pissed me off,” he said. He raised it up and moved his arm down fast.

Your heart jumped into your throat and your eyes went wide for a brief moment as you were somewhere else, Dean patting your face.

“Honey,” he said, turning your cheek. “Y/N, sweetheart. Talk to me.”

“You get it?” you mumbled as he reached above you and cut you down.

“Yeah. He was nastier than usual,” he said. He caught you as you dropped down and pulled the needle out of your neck. “You can barely stand. How close was I?”

“Well the demon version of you was mid swing to stabbing me in the chest so pretty close,” you muttered.

“That’s...come on,” he said, scooping you up and carrying you out of the building bridal style. Five minutes later you were in the front seat of baby with his jacket laid over top of you. You had your eyes shut when the door opened and you heard him get in. “How you feeling?”

“Crappy,” you said. “Tired.”

“You lost a bit of blood.”

“I’m alright,” you said, shifting over on the seat and leaning against him. “Just wanna go home.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry for what I did back when I was a demon. I know I roughed you up.”

“You weren’t you.”

“Still. I-”

“Dean, you apologized for it a long time ago. It was never your fault. I just want to go home with the real you and cuddle and eat breakfast in bed in the morning,” you said.

“We can do that,” he said.

“We had kids over there too,” you said after a beat. He was quiet as he started to drive away from the old building.

“We can talk about that too,” he said. You tilted your head up and he smiled. “Tomorrow. Tonight, let’s get you fixed up.”

“That I can agree with.”

_______

#spn #supernatural #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #dean winchester fanfiction #spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #dean x #dean x you #dean one shot #spn one shot

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sorrinslays · 6 months ago

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Belobog Roleswap AU

So this is a small thingamaching I've been thinking about sometimes. Truthfully, I just saw some versions of the same concept and while they were certainly interesting, they weren't really my style. So, I decided to try and make my own version.

To start off, I wanna say that I gave myself a few 'rules' to keep it consistent and whatnot. Specifically, I want it to be a true roleswap, so that means no true personality changes, at least not when it's unnecessary. The roleswap should make sense, like it should be able to happen realistically. Nobody expect the people of Belobog are roleswaped.

So I'll start by who we meet first and work my way down until we get all the characters.

We meet Gepard first. He is a petty thief/vigilante that fights fragmentum in his free time, mostly because nobody is willing to offer him a job. At some point, his parents were arrested for really huge crimes (up to interpretation). Due both Gepard and Serval being over the age of eighteen, they are in legal care of Lynx.

They have trouble finding a job due to their reputation and moved to the Underworld because the rent is cheaper. Soon they are forced to steal to get by. When the Underworld was sealed off, Gepard was in the Overworld, pickpocketing, separating him from his sisters. So, for ten years, he was forced to do petty crime to survive, abandoning his "dream" of becoming a Silvermane Guard.

All that changes when the Astral Express comes to Jarillo VI. After the Supreme Guardian "becomes suspicious" of the trailblazers, Sampo comes to Gepard, offering to show him one of the secret pathways to the Underworld. In exchange Gepard has to be the guide for the Express. (Sampard/Gepo fans rejoice, a canon interaction!)

Of course Gepard accepts. So when Seele is chasing after the trailblazers, Sampo sends a few smoke bombs and, with Gepard's help, gets them to the Underworld, reuniting the Landau siblings.

Next, we see Sampo and Luka. Sampo is the Captain of the Silvermane Guards. He's still a Masked Fool but after coming to Jarilo VI and seeing that the role of the Captain is basically empty (the old one is on his last breath) he decides to take up the role.

The first impression we have of him is that he is one lazy Captain. Always slacking off and "going with the flow". He doesn't do his paperwork or listen to anyone all that much. He kinda does his own thing and bothers everyone.

He's still the only one who can travel between the Overworld and the Underworld freely, but he does so in secret, behind the Supreme Guardian's back. He is still helping the leader of Wildfire and he's still the one to plan everything behind the scenes.

We learn that he's the one who got us to the Underworld through Gepard when Seele almost kills him.

When we get back to the Overworld, he greets us and we have to hold Seele from trying to murder him. He doesn't outright reveal anything but he does tell us that more soldiers have been dying under Natasha's rule because of her orders and he's been trying everything to find a way to prevent more soldiers from losing their lives.

He helps us sneak past the Guards, lying smoothly when something happens. Soon, they reach Natasha for the Boss Fight.

Luka is the Intelligence Officer. He used to be in the frontlines but he lost his arm in a very big fight and was "demoted" to a desk job. He hates it and oftentimes does Sampo's neglected paperwork so that the Captain owes him and takes Luka to the frontlines with him as "payback", which is why we see him when we first arrive.

When the crew is back from their adventure in the Underworld and he sees Sampo helping them, he questions the Captain. Soon enough, he joins the crew in fighting the fragmentum.

Followed by those three, we meet Natasha. As an orphan, she was picked to be the Supreme Guardian instead of Cocolia, so she never got the chance to live the life she could've actually enjoyed. When we meet her, she has a faint smile on her face, her voice are gentle and her words kind. Yet, something is eerily off about her, it's just very hard to put a finger on it.

Unlike the lies the Stellaron fed Cocolia of the world dying and everyone getting to live somewhere else, in "the new world", they tell Natasha that by killing everyone, they are gonna resurrect everyone and change their biology to be able to withstand the Eternal Freeze. The cold never bothering them ever again. They say that the moment all of Belobog dies, the life of the fragmentum would be transferred to the people, so they will never again be in danger of either the monsters or the cold.

Her story ends just like Cocolia's in the original timeline, losing her life to the Stellaron and the Astral Express.

Next in line, we have Seele. We meet her during the same scene as Natasha. She doesn't really question Natasha, at least not as much as OG Bronya. Not because she's stupid, no, but because she trusts Natasha whole-heartly. She just follows orders. It doesn't help that Natasha is hiding all the orders that are made specifically to kill as many soldiers as possible.

So, later on, when she finds out that Sampo, a somewhat of a father figure to her, went against Natasha and even kidnapped Seele herself with some "criminals"? She almost mauls Gepard, the "messenger", on the spot.

Of course, she gets her reality check when she sees how bad the situation in the Underworld really is. She sees Gepard in tears after finally reuniting with his sisters after 10 years, she sees kids who never ever went to school, she sees the lack of medical supplies, she sees how dirty everything is and she sees how the fragmentum has been affecting them too.

Just like canon, her romance with Bronya still happens and soon they are back in the Overworld. After a brief conversation with Sampo, she heads off to confront Natasha, and the rest follows canon.

Following Seele, we meet Oleg. He works at the Neverwinter workshop, the adoptive father of Luka. He used to be a Captain but after openly questioning Natasha's rule, he loses his job, leaving him to tinker at the workshop.

He's somewhat aware of what Sampo is doing, which is why he humours him and follows his orders of assisting the Astral Express. He isn't present during the Boss Fight, keeping the fragmentum at bay with Luka's help, he's devastated to learn about Natasha's death though.

Up next, we have Cocolia. She's a very smiley and kind doctor that greets us when we wake up from Sampo's smoke bombs. She is, gasp, in a happy relationship with Serval.

Competent is her middle name, and she mostly follows canon. Instead of Natasha, that doctor couple adopted Cocolia, which is why she becomes the Underworld's main doctor.

Not much to say about her, so let's move on to Bronya. She stops a fight from escalating when Seele causes a scene. While she still is very kindhearted, the Underworld has roughened her edges a bit.

We get bonding scenes between her and Seele and everything pretty much follows canon expect dialogue changes. I don't have much to say about her to be honest.

Pela! She works in the fight club, not because she wants to, but because she fell into debt due to trying to get her hands on the Tales of the Winterlands. Not much about her, sadly, Hoyo wasn't too keen on given her and Luka much screen time, I fear.

She helps us deal with the mine situation that happened in canon.

Now, we get to see Serval. She has an emotional reunion with Gepard and we learn that she is a member of Wildfire. Unfortunately aside from that nothing changes canon (blame the lack of Oleg in the story not me).

Now, we meet Lynx, who has befriended Svarog, the robot acting as her father figure. While Serval isn't a fan of Svarog, she doesn't discourage her little sister from befriending him.

Since day one, she is trying to get Svarog to agree to let people pass through the Furnace Core, she yearns for the outside and tries to find and all possible ways to change Svarog's calculations.

Of course it doesn't work until we, the variable, come to the Underworld.

Lastly, we meet Hook and Clara. Both are orphans adopted by Fersman, whose a Lieutenant under Sampo's command, send by the Captain. "The Moles", we learn, is a specific group of kids that wish to join the Silvermane Guards and, Sampo, to not break their hearts, made them honorary members.

Basically, he tells them sometimes to look out for any suspicious people, maybe follow one (if the job is not at all threatening), or the super duper important mission of getting lunch for him and the other soldiers. In this instance, he used them to lead the gang to Oleg and then to Sampo himself.

And that's it! Let me know your thoughts! If you have any questions about the AU, want a more in-depth explanation or wish to see scenes written about some of the things that happened feel free to ask!

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rainbowdaisy13 · 8 months ago

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DNP Anon thanks for the message

I’m gonna give you my take because you asked—I have said from day 1, that Eras Tour seemed like a farewell tour to me. What I meant by that is that it seemed like her way of honoring and thanking the fans for everything they’ve done for the past 2 decades, but that her art and alllll the old versions of Taylor are being retired. Of course, as a Gaylor/Kaylor, I hope that means she’s moving into a more truthful time of her life for her own sake, but it could just as easily be a jump off point to take back her agency from the hoardes of fans who still feel a claim to her

I read the post you sent me and it’s pretty evident from the comments that Swifties still feel like she owes them specific attention—again not to repeat myself over and over, but this is a monster of TS the Business’ own creation—SS, hand picking people for meet n greets, sending fans personal notes and gifts, lurking on fans pages and then acting like she knows them personally has all come back to haunt her as she’s aged. Those fans can not comprehend that Taylor has gotten older, insurmountably more famous, and that the way she interacts with fans has understandably gotten less personal—they are no longer the special “friends” since she’s selling out stadiums left and right, and don’t know how to move forward from that

As far as TTPD, the lack of promo feels intentional to me as well—she’s a 34 year old woman, there’s no reason for grand theatrics anymore *if she doesn’t feel like doing it* We know all through her worldwide tour she’s been writing, directing, producing and recording god knows how many more projects and collabs

It’s my sincerest hope that Dear Reader was a heads up that TTPD signals a new beginning for Taylor to end her pathological people pleasing, and make art just for herself—whether that be in or out of the closet

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pinchinschlimbah · 8 months ago

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On "Coming Out" and Noel Fielding

I mentioned forever ago that I had this post in mind and then never got around to it, but now with the new interview quote I was yelling about recently it feels like a particularly good time to get it out of my brain and onto the page! tl;dr: musings on the concept of "coming out" as it has evolved over time, whether it's something that should continue to be necessary or expected of queer people, and why Noel is particularly inspirational to me in that regard since this is, after all, my brainrot blog. This may be extremely long and a bit disjointed but I hope some of y'all will enjoy it!

So a while ago myself and several friends were discussing the concept of coming out. All of us are some flavor of queer both in gender and orientation, but each is in a different place along their self discovery and identity journey, with some being long since out and proud, and others just starting to dip their toes into exploration past the expected cishet.

This discussion actually was prompted by a different discussion about Noel, spurred by comments we'd come across slamming him as being homophobic/transphobic on Bakeoff for making comments suggesting he has romantic or sexual attraction towards Paul, referring to himself with female-centric terms, playing female characters in the skits, and a particular moment where he brings up Old Gregg while talking to KimJoy and says "he was a sea transsexual....quite a demanding role for me" while laughing to indicate that that last part was said in jest. Hey fellas, is it homophobic/transphobic to be a little bit gay and trans? This got us talking about how the current culture of queer identity has evolved to the point where "coming out" feels more like something the public feels they're owed in order for them to view one's expression as valid, rather than its original purpose as something one does for themself in order to live most authentically. I don't think I need to go into detail about how many artists have been harassed by their "fans" into coming out before they were ready because people wouldn't accept the validity of that person's work without knowing exactly how that person identified, there've been plenty of articles and video essays and better written tumblr posts about that, but it's definitely a concerning trend. It can be particularly dangerous when it comes to people who aren't feeling confident or safe enough to come out, who end up being criticized and shunned by the queer community as being somehow problematic for not being able to fully articulate to a group of strangers the ways in which they're experiencing their identity. In this situation, the people who are struggling the most end up with the least support. Forcing people to either declare an identity or get out just leads to more people staying closeted out of fear of doing it "wrong" and never getting the chance to explore the most authentic and joyful versions of themselves, or even worse, feeling the need to out themselves before they're in a safe place to do so and suffering the resulting consequences. Questioning or cautious people deserve space in the community to experiment even if they haven't yet or maybe never will come out! My high school's Gay Straight Alliance was comprised entirely of "straight allies" when I was there. There was not a single "out" person in the school at the time. Nearly all of us in the GSA ended up being some flavor of queer or trans years later after graduation. But whether it was intentional closeting or just feeling an innate affinity towards something we couldn't quite pinpoint at the time, we all knew we belonged there and made that space for ourselves and others like us. Back when "coming out" first became a concept in the public consciousness, it was during a time where cishet identity was not just considered the default, but the only option. By coming out, queer people were giving genuinely revolutionary representation for themselves and others like them by telling the world that, as the old saying goes, we're here, we're queer, get used to it! Nowadays, we're lucky to live in a culture that is much more cognizant of queer identities being a thing, so in many cases coming out has become less about having to explain to those around you the basic concept of queerness existing, and moreso about which specific identity you fall under, and that's where things get messy.

My friends and I shared our own thoughts and experiences. One is currently identifying as "unlabeled" because they haven't found a term that feels correct yet, and therefore hasn't come out because they wouldn't know what to say. One spoke about how when they first came out they were much more insistent on what terms or pronouns people used for them but as time has gone on they've grown to find joy in being inscrutable and letting others wonder what they're perceiving. One expressed that given the state of the world they've been retreating somewhat back into the closet for safety reasons rather than being super outward with their queerness like they used to and is working on learning to embrace those parts of themself again. One said they felt like they'd already been existing as queer and expressing that queerness "before I even had the terms to come out to myself" and is now working on catching up on the conscious end of figuring out what's what. I myself never really had an official "coming out", I just became increasingly visually/socially/vocally queer as I became more and more confident in who I was and what I wanted to be and who I had on some level always been, and decided if people didn't get the hint that's their own problem. I came into consciousness of my queerness during the early 2010s original tumblr MOGAI microlabel boom, where there was a ton of focus on figuring out the hyper specific identity labels that exactly described what you were experiencing. I did a lot of digging and soul searching and experienced a lot of unnecessary stress trying and failing to find my perfect labels and landed on clumsy terms like "full time drag queen" because it was the closest I could get to what I was feeling about my gender, only to be told it was problematic for me to call myself that as an AFAB person because drag "belongs to cis gay men" (don't get me started on that statement, that's a whole other essay lol) It was a real wake up call once I distanced from these aggressively labeled and segmented online spaces and made my way into real world queer communities where I was relieved to find that in fact no one there asks to check your membership card before letting you in, if you feel like you belong there you're welcome no questions asked.

I had other people in these communities referring to me as "queer" and "fag" and "gay" and "queen" before I felt comfortable doing so myself based on online Discourse I'd experienced over who is Allowed to use certain terms, and having these community leaders I respected recognizing those things in me and welcoming me in like that gave me the confidence to really find my own footing in ways that attempting to find my exact correct identity label so that I could officially proclaim it never did. Once I could answer the question of what I was with a shrug and "queer I guess!" things became so much easier. Microlabels can be incredibly helpful and liberating for some, don't get me wrong if it works for you that's great, but let's not pretend that everyone is going to have the same experiences.

So anyway, back to Noel. Noel has never, to my knowledge, ever had any sort of official “coming out” or explicitly referred to himself as queer. So I know there are people out there who will disagree with me considering him to be queer. But so much of what he’s said and done throughout his several decades long career has indicated to me that this is clearly someone of queer experience navigating the world as such, and just as the queers in my local community welcomed me as one of them before I knew to do it myself, I extend that welcome forward.

Let’s take a look at some of the facts. In the public span of his career, Noel has.....(in no particular order, also if anyone wants to add additional instances of note in the reblogs or comments please feel free, this is by no means a fully comprehensive list) -repeatedly called himself "the woman of the Boosh" or Julian's/Howard's "wife" in ways that suggest that's how he actually felt about it rather than it just being a punchline that he was mistaken for female in the show [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] -referred to himself at the GQ "Man of the Year" awards as "never been a man" and "a sort of girl, he/she" -been referred to by Sandi Toksvig as being "on the cusp" in regards to gender, to which he reacts with amusement and acceptance -consistently expressed excitement and appreciation when others refer to him with feminine terms or say he looks like a girl [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] -said "I love being a man-woman, it's much more interesting than being one or the other" and expressed that the loved shooting the Boosh Electro episode for this reason -referred to Vince Noir (a character who he's been pretty open about being based on himself) as "wasn't seemingly one gender or the other" -expressed that he felt most free and happy when presenting femininely [2] -had Julian, one of the people closest to him, express that Noel and Sandi (an out lesbian) may have "real sexual chemistry" because Noel is "all over the shop, he's a different sex" -used the "Confuser" line of "Is it a boy? Is it a girl? I'm not sure I mind" to refer to himself rather than Vince, and express that he's had to work to find new ways to feel as androgynous as he'd like now that he's older -referred to himself as a lesbian [2] -said that he "sometimes looks in the mirror and sees a woman", in the same interview that Julian implies that Noel is in fact a girl -referred to himself as a "girl/boy" -consistently referred to himself with feminine terms on panel shows and bakeoff -made a joke on bakeoff about not being a testosterone-based person -responded positively when asked about the ways Boosh had influenced queer and nonbinary youth -has said he's "quite obsessed with the man/woman mixup thing" -has said if he was an animal he'd want to be a seahorse because the males get pregnant -Had Lee Mack, who Noel used to live with, refer to him as "the little transsexual one, yeah I think she's fantastic" in a Boosh documentary and "a young lady who came out here happy to be herself" in response to Noel's Wuthering Heights drag performance -had his own mother refer to him as "the daughter I always wanted" -described his own appearance as that of a "transsexual witch" and when an interviewer attempted to make fun of him for calling himself "a transgender witch" by showing Noel a drawing the interviewer clearly found repulsive, Noel responded that the interviewer was "holding up a mirror" and called the image his passport photo

And I'm not even going to bother citing sources on the countless times he's made comments suggesting romantic or sexual attraction towards men. Literally just watch any non-character appearance he's ever done, it's kind of his whole thing??? Not to mention his penchant for picking up explicitly queer and gnc character roles, and also just [gestures vaguely to everything Noel and Julian have said about each other suggesting romantic and sexual tension between them and how they used their characters as an excuse to explore those feelings in a less scary way, again that could be a whole other essay on its own but ooh boy] I also think there's something interesting to explore in the idea of Noel repeatedly referring to his appearance as transgender or transsexual rather than identifying himself as such- at what point does the appearance of something become reality?

It all begs the question- is it even a joke anymore if it's that consistent? Either it's not a joke and it's an authentic expression of his real feelings and experiences, or he for some reason really really wants everyone to believe that he's queer when he's not, with this behavior spanning back to a time before the concept of queerbaiting was on anyone's minds and when being publicly queer could mean the end of your career. Which scenario do you think is more likely? And, does someone who’s been conducting themself like this for their entire career really NEED to come out? Honestly, I find this level of simultaneous authenticity and inscrutability aspirational.

In this Velvet Onion interview from 2012, Noel compares his penchant for dresses to both Grayson Perry and Eddie Izzard. This is interesting because those two people represent pretty opposite intentions behind their presentation- Grayson identifies solidly as cis male, and for him the shock value of crossdressing is the point, saying “I signed up for a gender and I want them to be very clearly delineated so I know I’m dressing up in the wrong clothes.” This doesn't seem particularly in line with where Noel is coming from given him famously referring to himself as "the Confuser" and stating in that same Velvet Onion interview that he "never even bothered giving it a label, I never went oh I'm a transvestite, I just went yeah if I fancy wearing a dress I do, never really thought about it really" Eddie on the other hand has famously said "They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes, I bought them." indicating that they were a genuine part of her authentic expression rather than a crossdressing costume, and has subsequently over the years identified more and more solidly as transfemme. I find Eddie's trajectory particularly fascinating because it's been so non-linear. In the 90s when the language for transness was much less public knowledge, she referred to herself consistently as a transvestite- a cishet man who enjoyed dressing as a woman, as well as using terms like "male tomboy" and "male lesbian" and "a full boy plus extra girl". Despite doing most of her standup shows in femme looks, most of her acting jobs were male-presenting, and there was a period of time in the 2010s where she dropped the femme presentation entirely in an attempt to be taken more seriously as the "crossdressing" was seen by many as a gimmick. Swinging back around more recently, Eddie has been explicitly identifying as genderfluid and transfemme, and in recent years has made the decision to "be based in girl mode from now on", and use primarily she/her pronouns. Since this announcement, in her trans advocacy work Eddie has described herself as being "out" as trans since the 1980s despite all of the above. She always knew who she was, it's just she's gotten access to more accurate terms over time to describe what she was experiencing, as well as feeling more safe to do so the more that transness became a known and accepted concept in the public eye.

The interview I mentioned at the very start of this post isn't really a coming out from Noel. And I don't think we'll ever really get one from him. In my opinion Noel has spent the past several decades conducting himself as someone who is in fact already out- it’s pretty clear Noel knows and is proud of who he is regardless of how he chooses to describe that identity. At this point, making some sort of official statement would just be for the benefit of others looking for clarification on their own perception of him and people who want to be able to put him in one box or another, and that’s not what coming out should be. The statement in the new interview is not "I am genderfluid", its "I've always been genderfluid", simply putting an accurate name to what's always been publicly visibly true now that he's got the terms to do so.

#noel fielding #gender files #gender files masterpost #gay yelling #the mighty boosh #shouts into void #a lot of this could also apply to my other wife #but that discussion is way more of a minefield so I'm not touching that for now plus many more people already have

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zukkacore · 5 months ago

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I keep calling it “you know what the best part of my day is” speech (evil version) as a joke bc the idea of comparing jaceporter to the Boston soulmates therapy movie is inherently ludicrous in my mind but also what about a Porter who thinks Jace is so incredible and talented and undervalued at Aguefort, his talent is wasted there, he deserves so much more. Maybe Jace will finally pluck up the courage to leave this shithole of a school. Maybe Porter can push him to go. They’ve had fights about it in the past (“what is this? Like I fucking owe to myself? What if I don’t want to?” “No fuck you. You don’t owe it to yourself. You owe it to me.”). If Jace won’t for Porter the man, maybe he will for Porter the god. It becomes more than Jace leaving the school. The desperate need to keep saint stardiamond by his side, while every interaction between them is laced with Say Fuck the Plan and Go, or better yet raze the world just like Porter has always wanted from Jace but refused to voice. I love you. Please leave me. The world should be yours. It could be yours, if you would just reach for it.

It’s just. Every day, I come by your house and I pick you up. You know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. ‘Cause I think maybe I think maybe I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothing. You just left. I don’t know much, but I know that much.

#this is comedic but also real to me. like. anyway that roommate who was into Boston soulmates rpf is the only valid person on earth #shut up Janelle #will I tag this. idk #starbreaker

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bed-chemist · 1 year ago

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❝i might just give you a bite.❞

part 1 of this fic

A/N: This is for my besties who don’t go out on Saturday nights but read fanfic in bed. Before we start this chapter, I will explain the AU a bit so it’s not confusing when you read this. The characters included will be mostly from TLOU2, so SPOILERS. Although there’s no outbreak, and it’s modern-day Joel, Sarah still dies. TLOU characters will be referenced (deaths, reasons they’re not around, etc.) The only person who is not the same age as they were at the end of TLOU are Joel and Tommy because I didn’t want to write a big age gap. They're still equally daddy tho. So characters: mainly TLOU 2, but Joel and Tommy are a bit younger. This also hasn't been edited, so ignore any mistakes. enjoy ★ ˙ᵕ˙ liv

Chapter Summary: the sweetest baker celebrates barbieween.

Chapter Warnings: death of parents (mentioned), death of a child (mentioned), language, alcohol and drugs (mentioned), slight age gap (F!MC and Joel are 6 years apart), symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Key Tags: chef! Joel, single! father Joel, no outbreak! Joel Miller, Joel x Ellie x Reader, slow burn, fluff, flirting, friendship, eventually established relationship, eventual smut, original character, black!fem!MC, no y/n.

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ series masterlist ⋆ spotify playlist ˖ ݁ 𖥔.

⋆ word count: 6.3k ⋆

October 31st

Adding a final sugar bat wing to the specialty cupcake, I tuck a stay curl behind my ear with a huff. After 2 hours of baking and decorating, I decide it was time for a break. Taking my headphones off, I turn towards my neighbor’s little sister, Dina.

Dina's ponytail bounces as she bops around the front with her headphones in, making sure the bakery is ready to open in an hour. She’s only 15, but she’s been a massive help with the bakery. She works part-time shifts, but I’m paying her holiday pay for being here since 6 a.m. at her age. Waving my hand through the open window between the kitchen and the register, I grab her attention. “I’m gonna go grab a coffee. Do you want anything?” I ask.

Dina shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks,” she says.

I shuffle around the kitchen grabbing my things. “Okay, I’ll take you to school when I get back,” I accept her answer. Dina’s probably stuffed from me feeding her croissants and donuts this morning.

Dina beams, seemingly grateful she doesn’t have to take public transit today in the city. “Cool. Do you need help after 4?” she offers.

Shaking my head, I secure my bag on my shoulder. “No, Dina. Go out and have fun. There’s gotta be a party or whatever you young kids are doing these days,” I argue. No one I know should be working on my favorite holiday. It’s the best time of the year.

Dina’s nose crinkles and she leans on the counter. “I don’t really party,” she confessed.

Nodding, I think about the fact that Dina's sister is probably working the E.R. night shift tonight. “Do you want to come over tonight? I’m just handing out candy and probably watching a movie later,” I offer her someone to hang out with.

Dina happily nods, accepting the offer. After reminding her that I’ll text her sister, I turn the handle to the door. The cool autumn air nearly whips me in the face as I step out onto the small threshold.

Staring down at my phone, I start to formulate the message to Talia. I only take two steps before I bump into a small figure. Setting my hands out on the tiny human’s shoulders, I look down and notice a brunette girl peering up at me. Her face twists in anger and she shrugs my hands off her shoulders. “Ow, fuck. Watch it,” She puts me in my place with so much attitude, it reminds me of myself when I was a kid.

Taking a deep breath, I try to compose myself. The younger version of me would’ve given her a piece of my mind, but it’s the best day in the world. Halloween. “I’m sorry, tiny human. I wasn’t paying attention,” I apologize and try to move past her to get coffee.

She steps in front of me again with her arms crossed. “Hey, I am not tiny,” she counters.

“Don’t take it personally. I call anyone under the age of 18 a tiny human,” I placate her.

She huffs before shifting a bit. “Well, now that your main concern should be avoiding a lawsuit, maybe you’ll hear me out,” she snips.

My head tilts in confusion at her statement. “Lawsuit? What do you mean lawsuit?” I ask in disbelief.

Her eyes roll in response to my question. “You know? I got hurt at your business & you discriminated against me. You should pay me or something,” she explains as if I should know this already.

I’ve spent enough time with tiny humans to know when one wants something from you. “Smart, but we’re on the sidewalk. It’s public property,” I break the news to her, gesturing to the cracked concrete beneath our feet.

The brunette teenager’s face turns red as her eyes dart down and then back up at me. “Shit, maybe I should’ve done this another way,” she thinks out loud.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I daydream about a vanilla latte with almond milk. “Look, I need some coffee. Can we walk and blackmail me at the same time?” I ask.

She gnaws on her bottom lip, shifting back on her heels. “Well that’s the thing…” she pauses and waits for my name.

“Ginny,” I inform her.

She nods, seemingly internalizing every syllable. “Ginny. I have a class in 30 minutes. My da–” she stops herself, cursing under her breath. She squeezes her eyes shut right and takes a deep breath. “Anyways, he forgot to pick up the order last night. It might be under my name or his,” she blurts before opening her eyes.

I usually don’t allow customers to pick up orders a day late but the kid looks like she’s going through it. “Okay, how about you come inside and we figure it out so you get to school on time,” I say.

Her face instantly softens and a smile replaces her frown. “Cool. Thanks, Ginny,” she replies.

I open the door, motioning for her to step into the shop ahead of me. “What’s your name?” I ask her.

She looks over her shoulder and watches as I lock the door. “Ellie,” she beams.

Nodding, I start to walk with Ellie toward the back of the bakery. “Nice to meet you, Ellie,” I extend my hand and she shakes it.

When we get into the kitchen, Dina is sitting in the corner with her backpack at her feet. “That was fast,” she comments, ready to stand.

I motion for Dina to not get up with my hands. “I didn’t get coffee yet. Ignore us, I can handle this,” I chirp, breezing over to the iPad.

My fingers tap the screen looking for the list of pick-up orders. “Okay, let’s do this by process of elimination. What’s your last name so I can look you up?” I ask Ellie.

“Williams,” Ellie states clearly.

Typing the letters into the search box, I press enter. “Well your name isn’t in the system so let’s try his name next. Last name?” I try to move on to the next name.

“Miller,” Ellie replies.

Miller, that name sounds familiar. Miller, Miller, Miller. It’s on the tip of my tongue.

My brows twist as I try to place the name. “First name?” I finally give up and ask.

“Joel,” the name rolls off Ellie's tongue as sweet as lilies in May.

Shit. That’s why the name was so familiar. Maybe it’s not the same Joel. “Joel Miller? The chef?” I ask for clarification.

Ellie's brows furrow and she nods. “Yeah. Do you know him?” she counters.

Nodding, I click Chef Miller's order. “Yeah, I didn’t know he had a kid.” Not that’s it a bad thing. It makes him more attractive knowing he has the patience to be a support to a teenager.

Ellie rocks on her heels, looking over her shoulder at Dina. “Joel’s my adopted dad,” she mumbles.

“You don’t have to explain your relationship with him. I get it,” I chirp, turning to grab a box for the first half of the order. “It looks like you need 20 cookies. I haven’t put them out yet. Did you want to come to the rack and pick them out?” I ask Ellie, pointing to the back corner.

Ellie’s face lights up and she nods. “Fuck yeah. But I have to be quick. Art is first thing this morning,” she informs me.

“Let’s go, then,” I smile, waving her in my direction.

My eyes flood with tears as I weep in my office around 3 p.m. My body jolts when the office door slams open against the wall. “Ginny,” I hear my employee Grace start to say. I swivel towards my chair, wiping the tears from my face. “Woah. I’m sorry,” she apologizes with wide eyes. I understand, I probably look like a hot red mess right now.

Motioning with my hand for her to ignore me, I take a deep breath. “You’re okay, what did you need?” I ask.

She nods, shifting to lean on the other leg uncomfortably. “There’s a customer in the front saying he had an order but we can’t find it. Can you help us?” she asks.

Nodding, I stand from the chair. “Yeah, I’ll be right there,” I chirp, trying my hardest to plaster on a fake smile. Grace gratefully takes this as a sufficient answer, turning on her heels to hurry back out to the front of the bakery.

My pink heels carry me over to the cabinet where I grab a pack of baby wipes. A sharp pain shoots up my soles as I shuffle over to the floor-length mirror in my office and I smooth my hands over my dress. My hair still looks perfect, which I'm grateful for. Grabbing some of the wipes, I try to clean my face as best as possible.

Once I deem my appearance acceptable, I toss the used wipes in the trash. The click of my shoes fills the back kitchen as I make my way up to the front. When I round the corner I see the back of a man with salt and pepper hair. “That’s the boss,” Chloé, another employee, says loudly over the noise in the large room.

My brain sparks, mentally preparing myself for the worst as the tall man slowly turns around. When I see his face, my tense body instantly relaxes. “Oh, Chef Miller. Hi,” I sigh and smile, genuinely this time.

Chef Miller looks me up and down while I close the large gap between us. My nose crinkles when I stop in front of him and he still hasn’t said anything. “Hi. I - um- I’m sorry,” he stammers.

Feeling confused, I break eye contact to look down at my outfit. There’s no flour on my costume but I’m suddenly feeling insecure. “Is everything alright?” I capture Chef Miller's chesnut irises again.

Chef Miller inhales sharply, letting his arms fall to his side. “Mhm, just didn’t know you owned this place is all,” he informs me.

Thank fuck. I thought I had a booger front and center. I suddenly remember forgetting to call The Austin after Ellie came in, as promised. “Yeah, and shit. I meant to call your restaurant and tell you. Ellie came in earlier and I gave her the school order,” I try to ease his mind.

Chef Miller lets out a heavy sigh, doubling over. “Oh lord. I forgot ‘em once and thought I forgot ‘em again. Been so busy at the resteraunt, I –” he cuts his rant short. The denim shirt seems to constrict and I notice his shoulders rising and falling rapidly.

My eyes go wide and I step a little closer to the chef, putting my hand on his back. “Chef Miller, are you alright?” I ask.

Chef Miller nods with his face still towards the pink tile floor. “I’m fine. It’s just the cold air all of a sudden,” he lies and I feel the bass of his voice in my palm.

My hand instinctively rubs circles on his back. “Chef Mill-”

“Joel, sweetheart. Call me Joel,” Joel cuts me off.

“Joel,” I say, and the name almost feels foreign on my tongue. “Do you want to sit down for a second? Try a Halloween brownie?” I offer, hoping it’ll keep him from going down this continuous spiral.

Joel shakes his head and slowly starts to stand, straightening his back. “No, thank you. I don’t want to take up more of your time,” he acknowledges the long line of customers in the bakery.

Taking a step back, I clasp my hands in front of me. Something about Joel intrigues me, and I quickly think of an excuse to keep him in the shop. “How about you sit because you’re saving me from the joy of interacting with rude Halloween patrons,” I practically beg him.

He peers over his shoulder at the case with the sweet treats. His eyes return to mine with a gleam in them. “Okay, deal,” he agrees with a small smile.

Nodding, I feel the heat rush to my cheeks. Joel picks a booth to sit in while I scurry to grab him a brownie and a glass of water. When I get back to the booth, I’m out of breath from trying to function in the pink block heels. “Here, it’s on the house,” I suggest, pushing the items towards him.

Joel shakes his head, pulling out a 10-dollar bill. “This is all the cash I have on me but, I can offer two redo meals for the price of one,” he proposes, sliding the cash over towards me.

Shaking my head, I slide it back over towards Joel. “It’s not a big deal,” I argue.

“No, it is. You saved her from embarrassment. I should be tipping you 10 fold,” Joel contests, pushing it back across the table.

Getting frustrated, I reach out and push the cash back in his direction with finality. “Put it in the fucking tip jar. For Christ's sake, Joel. I don’t need it. My staff will split it at the end of the shift,” I declare trying to convince him I do not need the extra cash.

Joel looks down and grabs the cash, tucking it into his back pocket. “Fine,” he mutters under his breath. “So, how was she?” he asks a bit louder.

My head tilts in confusion. “What do you mean?” I ask for clarification.

Joel picks up the brownie, examining the spiderweb marshmallows covering the dessert. “I mean what was she like? Just trying to make sure she’s on the right track is all. Happy and everything,” he explains before taking a bite.

My eyes squint as I study Joel chewing. Every muscle in his jaw flexes and he closes his eyes. “Mmmm, this is good,” he moans and I feel the color drain from my face. My stomach flutters and I try to force the bile back down my throat.

It’s platonic, Imogen. Not even that. We’re acquaintances. “She reminds me of when I was a teenager. Didn’t think I’d ever meet someone that swears more than me,” I finally answer him.

Joel picks up the water, taking a sip of the cool liquid before setting it back on the table. “I told her no more goddamn swearing in public,” he complains.

Pursing my lips together, I try not to laugh at how ironic the scenario is. “Um, Joel,” I say, trying to fight a snicker while Joel takes another bite.

Joel's eyes flick up to mine and I almost crumble. He hums for me to continue while he chews.

Clearing my throat, I try to think of the best way to put this. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to tell him how to parent his kid. “If you want her not to swear in public, you have to lead by example,” I advise the mesmerizing man sitting across from me.

Joel instantly stops chewing and takes a big gulp. “Shit, you’re right,” he swears again and I stifle another giggle.

The desire to spend more time with Joel creeps up my spine once again. “Can I ask you something? And you can say no,” I start feeling a slight warmth in my chest.

Joel nods, wiping his mouth with a pink napkin. “Yeah, sure,” he confirms before going in for the last of the brownie.

My fingers tap the table beneath me, feeling anxious about what I’m going to suggest. “Did the two of you have plans tonight?” I investigate.

Joel takes a few moments to finish chewing while he shakes his head. “No. It’s Ellie’s first Halloween with me, too. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t plan anything.” he addresses their plans.

A small smile creeps onto my lips. “Well, I’m closing the shop early. My neighbor’s little sister is coming over to hang out and watch a movie. You should bring Ellie by for a little while. Maybe they’ll end up being friends,” I ramble.

Joel’s face brightens as he processes the information. “I think that’d be good for her. I took off work and she should be out of school in an hour or two. I’ll get her fed and we’ll be on our way,” he voices before finishing the glass of water.

A few drops of water slip past his bottom lip onto Joel's beard, and I resist the craving to reach up and fix him. “Sounds good,” I note his plans while I slide out of the booth. “Look, I have to get back,” I tell him, seeing the line grow in size.

Joel nods and waves, following suit behind me. As I glide away, I feel something gnawing at my insides. He’s so worried about Ellie and I just want to reassure him. “Joel,” I grab his attention before he gets too far away from me.

He turns around to face me. “Yes, sweetheart?” Joel asks so kindly, I could melt butter on his words.

“You’re a really great dad. I mean, you’d have to be blind not to see that. She’s smart, beautiful, and healthy. I don’t know about happy but, what teenage girl is?” I sincerely express to him what I’ve observed already.

I can tell Joel’s trying his best when he gives me a half smile. “That’s sweet of you, darlin’,” he husks.

Shrugging, I try to push away the flush creeping into my cheeks. “It’s just the truth. And she loves you too, Joel,” I add.

Joel chuckles, shaking his head. His head hangs and he stares at the ground for a moment until a customer needs to pass his large frame to get out of the store.

Joel moves to the side, seemingly regaining his focus. “Thank you, fuck. I needed that,” he swears.

Smiling, I reach out and caress his arm. “I know. I’ll see you tonight,” I wink, spinning on my toes and floating away from the door.

“See you later, Ginny,” he returns the farewell, pulling open the door to my shop and exiting. The lingering smell of his cologne dances in my brain as I try to refocus on the current customers.

“Happy Halloween!” I cheer, scooping the last of the candy into small bags.

It’s always been my favorite holiday and this year, I’m dressed head to toe in pink as Baker Barbie. Once the rush of kids passes, I turn to join Dina in the booth next to the window. My heels click across the floors as I strut towards her.

We opted out for pizza pickup after school and I let the closers handle shutting the store. She made quick work of packing her back at her sisters when we stopped by, having already picked out her Tinkerbell costume.

Just as I make it to the booth, I hear the doorbell jingle. “Hey, Ginny,” I hear a familiar voice.

Turning around, I face the short brunette girl dressed as Wednesday. “Oh! Hi, Ellie. I love your costume. Where’s your—“ I start to ask when my thoughts are cut short. Joel Miller grudgingly saunters into my bakery dressed in a black t-shirt that tightly hugs his body.

Just like the first day we met, I felt my body start to heat up. “Look! I made him dress up as Ken since you don’t have one today,” Ellie proudly points to the pink ‘Ken’ lettering in the middle of Joel’s chest.

Blood rushes to my cheeks when I think about the possibility of us being together. Of him being my Ken. But I know it’s just my delusional thoughts.

My feet involuntarily move forward towards them so I’m not shouting across the bakery. “Oh that’s, well,” I stammer over my words trying to ease myself out of a bootleg Parent Trap. “You did a fantastic job with his costume,” I compliment her smoothly.

My legs almost give out when the corners of Joel’s mouth curve into a small smile. Ellie’s face lights up and she hits Joel in the chest lightly with the back of her hand. “See, Joel. She said you’re Kenough,” she jokes with him.

His brows knit together and he turns towards her, placing his hands on his hips. “The hell is that supposed to mean?” he questions her.

Standing next to him, my hands slide under his arm, tugging him towards the booth in the back. “Don’t think about it too much,” I giggle, trying to ignore the electricity I feel beneath my palms.

His bicep is so muscular, that I find myself wondering if he could pick me up. I make a mental note to charge both vibrators so I can fantasize about him later tonight. “Cupcake?” I offer pointing to the case, trying to dust the dirty thoughts out of my head.

Joel relaxes under my touch and I use him to stabilize myself in the tall heels. “I’ve had ‘nough sugar for today,” he grunts.

Tutting, I smile up at him. “Joel Miller, you can’t expect to come into a bakery and not get any sweetness in your life,” I challenge him. I can’t be upset though, he did try my brownie and my croissant earlier.

A small smirk creeps onto his lips. “Don’t think I have to eat anythin’ for that,” he flirts and my eyes nearly pop out of my head.

Shifting my attention to the teenagers awkwardly standing within a mile distance of each other, I try to form introductions. Dropping my grip on Joel’s arm, I cross the space to the booth. “Ellie, meet Dina. Dina, meet Ellie,” I babble, pointing back and forth between the girls.

“Dina is my neighbor,” I say for the two of them, but mostly for Joel's sake. The likelihood of the teenagers caring about our relationship is none. Sliding into the booth, I wave my hand inviting them to join us. Ellie softly smiles and she lifts her hand, awkwardly waving. “Hey. You look familiar,” she greets Dina.

Dina blushes, seemingly wanting to hide behind me. “Hi,” she mumbles.

A small girl dressed as a gymnast does a back walkover outside the window and my face twists. The city sidewalk is fucking disgusting. “Shit, shit, shit,” I hear Ellie start to panic.

My face is plastered with confusion as Dina scoots over toward me. “What’s her problem?” she whispers.

My face turns towards her and I shrug with my eyes wandering back to Ellie. She looks as though she’s about to crawl out of her skin.

Joel leans across the table and puts up his hand to cover his mouth from Ellie’s view. “She has an irrational fear of gymnasts,” he rasps lowly.

Nodding, I try to think of a way to peel Ellie away from the window. “Okay well. Dina, why don’t you and Ellie go grab some cider while Joel and I catch up,” I suggest.

Dina’s face turns red and she nods. My hands make contact with the cold table as I use it to slide out of the small booth.

Ellie looks unsure of what to do. “Joel?” she looks up at him with nervousness and asks.

“You’ll be fine,” Joel reassures her, following suit across from me and the girls disappear into the kitchen.

A smile creeps onto my face as I watch Joel awkwardly readjust his t-shirt. “So…” I start, pausing to awkwardly gnaw on my lip.

Joel seemingly notices how awkward I feel, leaning forward towards me. “How long have you owned this place?” he asks, tongue laced with curiosity.

Slouching a bit, I remember the reason why I started this career path. “A couple of years now. I opened it after my parents passed away,” I let him know.

His eyes dart down towards the table. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I didn’t mean to offend you,” he apologizes.

I reach across the table and grab his calloused hands. “It’s okay. I wanted to do something I loved and so I found and bought this space a couple of months after,” I explain.

He doesn’t flinch and the heat radiates in my palms. “So it’s just you running things? No partner?” he inquires.

The realization that I just grabbed his hands hits me, and I drop them like they’re a hot potato. His nose crinkles and I think I catch a grimace from him. “No partner,” I answer.

He leans back into the pink pleather booth and the seat beneath him crinkles. “Wow, that’s impressive. The Austin would probably crumble,” he acknowledges.

A giggle slips my lips. “Well, Daylight Bakery is not gunning for a Michelin Star,” I point out.

He tilts his head to the right and raises his eyebrow slightly. “You could do it,” he muses.

My left hand waves him off. “You flatter me. But can we stop talking about me? I’m getting embarrassed,” I express, feeling particularly vulnerable when talking about the success of my business.

Joel lifts a brow, looking at me with a surprised expression. “I thought Barbie doesn’t get embarrassed,” he points out.

Shaking my head, I smile at him. “She doesn’t… wait. You’ve seen The Barbie Movie?” I ask him. Honestly, I’m astonished.

He nods, brushing his hair back with his hand. “Mmmhm. I do have a daughter,” he elaborates.

The urge to ask him about his situation with Ellie creeps up my back. I want to know how Chef Joel ended up adopting a teenager who swears like a sailor. “About that. I hate to be nosey but, I can’t help it. How did you end up adopting Ellie?” I blurt out the compulsive thought.

He grunts and my eyes wander down to his shoulders. His whole upper body looks tight and uncomfortable. “Long story. Had a daughter, Sarah. She passed a couple of years ago,” he starts, voice laced with sadness.

My face softens and I fight the urge to cry again for the millionth time today. I can’t imagine how it must feel to lose a child. Worse than any pain known to man. “Oh, Joel. I’m so sorry,” I apologize.

Sadness glows in his eyes and I feel the desire to jump across the table and embrace him. “It’s okay, I was able to grieve. Still grievin’,” he adds.

My head bobs up and down, processing the information. “Yeah. I totally get that,” I voice quietly.

I try to stay silent to allow him to continue if he feels like it. The air between us feels solum. “After she passed, I put all my energy into the restaurant. Ellie’s birth mother died givin’ birth to her, and her mom’s partner worked at The Austin,” he notes.

“Worked?” I question him. I assumed she was still working there.

He rubs the scruff on his jaw and lets out a heavy sigh. “Yeah, she uh. She has an addiction. She was doing well for Ellie's whole life and then, somethin' happened and she relapsed. Asked if Ellie could stay with me for a while. Never came back,” he expands.

Shaking my head, I feel like a house is sitting on my heart. No one deserves to be left like that by someone they love. “That’s, wow. Poor girl,” I express sympathy for Ellie.

Joel shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Yeah. What was I supposed to do? Say no?” he chuckles, running his hands over his face.

My lips press together and my eyes capture his bloodshot ones. “No,” I murmur.

“Right. After a while, she just became mine I guess. She still reminds me I’m not her dad every once in a while,” he vents.

Tucking a stray curl behind my ear, I shift a bit in my seat. “Is it when you fight?” I query.

Joel looks away, staring off into space behind me in deep thought. “Mmmhm,” he recalls.

My body relaxes when he confirms my suspicions. “She’s just a regular teenager with teenage angst. She nearly said ‘my dad’ this morning,” I try to appeal to him.

His ears perk up and his eyebrows raise. “Really?” he nearly gasps.

My face twists and I look at him with confusion. Why would that be such a surprise to him? “Yeah,” I confirm.

His eyes gradually widen while he stares a hole through my soul. “Woah,” he breathes.

My head moves slightly to the right to make sure he’s still looking at me and not just processing. His gaze follows mine, so I continue, “Has she never said that before?”

Joel rubs the back of his neck. “No, not to me,” he grunts.

Nodding, I blink slowly. “Give her time,” I advise him.

A loud bang interrupts us and when I turn my head, I see Ellie scrambling out of the kitchen with Dina attached to her hip. “Joel, can we go watch a movie?” She asks pointing up towards the ceiling.

Joel’s brows furrow as his eyes follow her finger. “Why are you pointing up, kiddo?” He asks.

I lean across the table so I’m a little closer to Joel. “They’re asking if we can go watch it in my living room,” I elaborate to clear any confusion he may have.

Joel’s head turns in my direction. “You live above the bakery?” he digs.

“I do,” I reveal. It was easier for me to buy the whole building and split it into half residential than to buy two separate properties. Dina and her sister rent a condo in the building next door, so all 4 floors are mine.

“That’s convenient,” he comments toward me before turning his attention back to Ellie. “I don’t care, but it’s not my TV or my place. You’ll have to ask Ms. Scott,” he gives her permission, gesturing to me.

Ellie rocks back on her heels, rotating her body in my direction. “Ginny, can we watch the movie now?” she stammers, excitedly.

“Ms. Scott, Ellie. Mind your manners,” Joel corrects Ellie.

I reach out, putting my hand on Joel’s forearm. “It’s fine, Joel. I told her to call me Ginny,” I state, hoping it’ll save Ellie from a lashing.

Before he can say anything, I remove my hand from his arm to grab my keys from the table. “Here, catch,” I chime, tossing Dina the keys.

She successfully catches it, tugging Ellie towards the back with her free arm. “We’ll be up there in a second. No tequila, no weed, and no wine, Dina. I mean it,” I warn Dina.

“Buzzkill,” Dina grunts as they reach the pink double doors.

“Thanks, Gin– I mean, Ms. Scott,” Ellie beams over her shoulder.

“For fucks sake. Drop the Ms. Scott, Ellie,” I call back to her just as the doors close behind them, leaving me and Joel alone once again.

Fidgeting in my seat, I swallow my impulse to confess my crush to the southern gentleman. “Happy Halloween,” I cheer.

The stairs creek with each step we take down them as Ellie and I creep downstairs. Dina left a few minutes ago when Talia picked her up from work. The only ones left in the bakery are Joel, me, and Ellie. “Hey, Ginny. Can I ask you a favor?” Ellie breaks the comfortable silence.

I nod sleepy, praying my feet carry me back up the steps. I am not above sleeping in a bakery booth as opposed to climbing 3 flights of steps. “Mmm,” I hum for Ellie to continue.

Just a couple more steps, Imogen. “Can I come to the bakery after school, you know, just to hang out and sketch? Joel doesn’t get home till 11 pm most nights,” I hear her practically beg.

“Of course. Dina’s sister, Talia, is the same. That’s why she works the afternoon shifts,” I tell her.

I have no problem with her hanging out here in the afternoons. And besides, Dina and Ellie found out they go to the same school today. Why would I want to separate the budding friendship?

Ellie clears her throat, stopping once we get to the bottom of the steps. “Yeah…” she murmurs.

Suddenly, I’m wide awake. “Oh, you…” I start, searching her eyes unsure of how to phrase my words. “That's great, Ellie,” I attempt to telepathically communicate with her that as a queer child, she’s always safe with me.

Ellie’s eyes flicker with fear. “Please don’t tell Joel,” she quickly begs.

As if we spoke him into existence, Joel comes from around the corner at that moment. “Tell Joel what?” he interrogates us.

My breathing quickens and I feel sweat start to collect above my brow. There’s no fucking way I’m going to out Ellie to her dad, or anyone to anyone for that matter. “That she hates your steaks too,” I say as convincingly as possible.

Joel shrugs on his jacket, not bothering to adjust the fit. “Is that so?” he smirks.

Ellie shifts from one foot to the other. “Um, yeah. It’s shit, Joel. Sorry. I didn’t want to tell you,” Ellie rambles and I nudge her to stop talking. The more she talks, the more details we have to remember about this lie going forward. Fucking tiny humans.

Joel chuckles and I glide past Ellie to adjust his jacket for him. The air between us is electric when I tug his jacket up slightly. Ellie snickers, and I assume it's because I'm practically fluffing her father. Once I deem my styling of Chef Ken perfect, I flick on the lights in the bakery. “Maybe that’s what’s keepin’ me away from a star,” I hear Joel complain behind me.

When I turn around, Ellie is shrugging. “Maybe. Let’s go home,” she blurts, anxiously pulling her dad towards the door.

My feet shuffle across the floor in my slippers behind them. “Oh, Joel. Wait,” I call after them, attempting to catch up. “Ellie’s gonna hang at the bakery after school days and do homework. I can hire her next year if you want me to," I huff out of breath.

Joel’s smirk melts away and he turns towards the mini version of him. “Ellie,” he scolds her.

Ellie puts her hands up in defense. “What?” she asks.

Joel shakes his head with disapproval. “Ms. Scott’s very busy. I don’t think she’d appreciate havin' you here 5 out of the 7 days in a week,” he paints a picture of Ellie overstaying her welcome.

I don’t want her to ever feel like she can’t come here, especially after she was so vulnerable with me in the stairwell. “Actually, it’s fine. We have an empty wall right there,” I point to the blank canvas, ready to be explored. "Maybe you can paint something on that. Like a mural," I suggest.

Ellie’s jaw drops and she bounces slightly on her toes. “Holy shit! Really?” she buzzes.

Joel shifts, crossing his arms. “Ellie,” he repeats.

Ellie scoffs, looking at Joel as if she’s saying are you fucking kidding me? “I’m sorry. Holy fuck, really?!” she regurgitates with a worse swear word.

I smile at her excitement. “Really,” I whisper as if it’s the best-kept secret.

“Can it be space-themed?” Ellie counters.

Nodding, I try to imagine what a space-themed wall would look like. Maybe she can incorporate cupcakes. “It can be anything you want. Call it ‘Ellie’s Wall’ or something,” I encourage her.

Ellie nods, finally calming down a bit. “That’s awesome,” she marvels.

Ellie looks up at Joel with the worst puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen. Not that it matters, because he’s crumbling by the second. “You can do it. Long as you’re on top of your schoolwork,” he permits her to spend time here.

Ellie smiles, moving closer to the door. “Okay, okay. I’m going before you take it back. Bye, Ginny,” she boasts confidently while yanking open the door.

I chuckle at her antics. “Bye, Ellie. See you tomorrow,” I bid her goodbye.

The door shuts behind us and a faint jingling sound enters the room. Joel steps closer to me, slightly trapping me in the small doorway. “So,” he starts, cutting himself off.

My eyes snap away from his to the floor. I can’t fucking look at him. Not when he’s this close looking good enough to eat. “So,” I murmur.

Joel bends down a little bit, forcing me to look back into his coffee-colored irises. “Thank you. For everything today,” he smiles, putting a hand over his chest.

God, I’m probably as red as a tomato. I want to sprint as far as I can away from this conversation. “You’re welcome,” I voice so low, it’s almost a whisper.

Joel reaches for the door handle right next to me. So he wasn’t trying to kiss me. “Guess, I’ll be seein’ you tomorrow when I pick up Ellie,” he smiles, opening up the door.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed but I try to push it to the back of my mind. We’re just acquaintances, Ginny. “Thanks for coming. I had a great holiday,” I squeek.

His mouth curves up into a smile. “So did I,” he chuckles, stepping out of the door.

My delusional brain grabs the door behind him before he pulls it shut. Maybe this is it. Maybe he has a crush too. “Goodnight, Joel,” I melodically bid him goodbye.

Joel smiles, awkwardly waving. “Goodnight,” he murmurs, pulling the door shut.

Joel stands directly outside and peers through the window, pointing down at the lock. “Now,” he mouths, and I click the metal switch.

Shaking my head at his antics, I spin around to trek back upstairs. Once I’m in my living room, my feet drag across the floor to shut the window facing the street. I scratch my head when I hear two voices screaming at each other below. “You didn’t kiss her? What the hell, dude?” Ellie chews out Joel and my cheeks burn.

“Ellie, no questions,” I hear Joel snip at his daughter.

Curiosity killed the cat and Ellie, apparently. “Why didn’t you kiss h–”

“Damn it, Ellie. Shut up and get in the car,” I hear Joel grumble before a car door slams. I giggle, shutting my window and thanking the gods above for such a great Hallows Eve.

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