#i only consider myself a passable writer not a good one

[idlenight]

WIP Whenever

tagged by dear friend @heartbreakincident. 30 minutes after it already stopped being wednesday for me. so idk its thursday and im already super late with this <( _ _ )>. so nobody is gonna be tagged, tag yourself instead <3.

I don't have any art wips i wish to share (nvm that I have much of anything with the lack of me doing art recently).

So I dug up some old writing. which is otherwise not seeing the light of day anyway (its dragon age).

◆◇◆◇

"Roro," Carver squeezed out, a hand weakly reaching for his brother's. And Carver must be truly far gone if he would willingly call Ambrose by such a 'silly childish nickname' (Carver's own words).

"Carver, I love you, but this is a bit too intimate don't you think?" the joke fell flat even to his own ears, the nervous tremor making it sound like a desperate attempt at normalcy. Which it truly was.

Carver actually let out a laugh at that - one that was barely more than a wheeze, and followed by a pained groan. Delirious from blood loss, had to be. Noted.

"Just... sit still one moment."

Carver's head lolled to the side with a frown, "Where would I be going with my guts hanging out?"

He ignored the even worse attempt at humor to take a deep breath instead. Mentally preparing himself for the grossest thing he had probably ever done, or at least the most upsetting thing. "Oh and try to be quiet."

"Wha-" Carver cut himself off with an ear shattering scream as his guts were unceremoniously pushed back into his stomach.

[thetentaclecommander]

Thaks for the tag @damadisangue! Lesse:

When did you start writing?

I remeber as a lil tentacle in human 3rd grade writing this meandering, long, just where was this boat going like 25+ page story for English class and just had a ball in making up the story. I didn't care that the story was a hot mess, I unknowingly realized I liked lore building. But, I realized that after I wrote it one, I went way over what the class wanted cause of my overachieving tentacle tendency and two, that I hated editing, grammar and all the boring English stuff. I didn't try to write a story again till many years later and realized the story itch had come back to me.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I actually, genuinely like slice-of-life and very inspirational/good vibes type of stories. But I simply like writing drama and assholes too much to write that sort of stuff often.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

My writing style recently got compared to the book House of Leaves. I need to read this but considering the few pages I've seen, I'm honored and can see the comparison at points.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

My big black desk with a standing desk attachment to force my tendriled self to get up, covered in paper that sometimes gets neatened only to get it ruined again due to time or my cat familar. Headset, dual monitors, pc w normal tentacle ergonomic peripherals, crystals, eldritch symbols covered in dark purple black ichor. Normal desk set up.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Do a ritual seance with burnt wormwood and channel into Nemesis' headspace. Find myself mentally projecting on the 56th astral plane with spoitify playing something dank and bizarre to mortal ears and chant ioioioioioio-

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

sheding of human fear sheding of human loss yet knowing such removal only brings more weakness to the fore the loneliness of being the only one the question of faith both internal and external to want is to long to love is to harm until you become one's true self free from greed, from selfish power games and inflicted misery and living in truth not lies strength in finding self not fighting for a control that isn't yours to demand no gods but us  no masters but us utter the lies the waking profane io io io

What is your reason for writing?

breathe and become as we only can bring you hope-

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

- oh and we're back. Sorry, I had a walk about and forgot to finish this. But I hope to be known as a trolly, yet fun author that challenges your sense of taste, and makes you question what is. Though, being known as that fucking persistant Nemesis and Jill shipper is good enough, lol.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Um, I can make up shit on the fly and not need drugs to do so, ig?

How do you feel about your own writing?

Eh, my pre 2010 stuff I think are lame but meaningful as my baby steps as one has to start from somewhere in this dimension?. I think I hit my stride in 2020 when I entered my erie sacrilegious era but so far, I'm pleased that my writing is passable and singularly me.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Pfft I've never given a damn about what is popular in the greater fandom or fleeting reading trends. Readers will get from me stories under my terms as I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to where I'm at and so, this tentacle writes for themself first and foremost and secondarily to entertain. I am a showtentacle at heart after all. I do enjoy when readers read, mind, but love it most when they take this betentacled offering from me and savor it, like really eat into it and see the wormy layers of plot and intricacy I've baked into there. Just envisioning them consuming, ingesting my work, feeling the trailing of my worms down their throat, into their belly to really get what I'm putting down is wonderful. Hoy, my minions! Feel free to join in! @naerwenia @vopecata @coiled-dragon @s-dei @lmshady

@depraveddove​ @the-bar-sinister​ @unchartedperils​ @sweet7simple​ @meltic-daze​

@misch3fbunni3​ @autistichalsin​ @villaindevotee​ @coffinliqueur​ @scroggles​

@goth-automaton​ @azulas-daddy-kink​ @katophoenix​

and whoever else wants to I'm not your parental aid (edit: what is with tumblr not tagging ppl ahhh)

[ordinaryschmuck]

Why I (Want to) Love Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure

Salutations random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this. I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

When I heard Disney was making an animated series based on Tangled, acting as a continuation from the original movie, my initial thought was, "Why?"

Sure, Disney is infamous for its unnecessary sequels of the story after happily ever after, with the many, many, many failures that follow suit. Even then, though, most of these continuations were movies that kind of have the potential to tell more of a story. But what more could be said about Tangled? Sorry to spoil a movie that's over ten years old at this point, but by the end of it: Rapunzel lost her golden hair, was reunited with her parents, fell in love, and lived happily ever after. Her losing the golden hair is the most essential part of that list because how can you do a series based on a Disney princess when her most iconic feature is gone? Then I found out that the series forced a way for her hair to come back, and my new initial thought became, "Oh man. This is gonna suck, isn't it?"

Despite the hesitation, I decided to give it a chance anyway. After all, I've been pleasantly surprised before. Things like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, The Mitchells vs. the Machines, and even The Owl House (yes, really), were shows (and a movie) that I didn't think would be that special. Only to find myself enjoying nearly every minute. So after watching Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure, I can certainly say I was surprised...but it was entirely for the wrong reasons.

And to explain how requires spoilers. So if you haven't checked the series out yet, I highly suggest you do it to form your own opinion. Just keep in mind that it's a bit of a mess, but it can be an enjoyable mess...sometimes...let me explain.

WHAT I LIKED

The Animation/Art Style: The series swapping from 3D to 2D might have been the most brilliant decision anyone could have ever made with this series. Usually, when an animated movie gets turned into a show, the most noticeable downgrade is always the animation. Whether it’s not as detailed or not as fluid, it's always subjective that the movie is better animated than the series. But by switching up the styles, the contrast becomes objective instead. 2D and 3D animation each have their pros and cons, so deciding which one is better is nothing more than a matter of opinion. So by changing the style, Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure avoids getting complaints of being a downgrade from the original movie. It also helps that the art style of the series is really unique.

The best way to describe how the show looks is that it's like a coloring book brought to life. At times, everything looks like it was drawn and colored in with crayons, which sounds like an insult, but in actuality, it's one of the best features of the series. As much as I love most animated shows nowadays, I will admit, they all look a little too similar at times. Then here comes Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure, which tries to incorporate a whole new style that successfully sets it apart from most shows.

As for the animation itself, it's really well-made! It's remarkably expressive when required, while the movements are really fluid during the correct scenes. Sure the fighting can be a little floaty during some action set pieces (yes, those exist here), but the dialogue and comedic moments are really where the series shines with its animation. I may have problems with the series as a whole, but I give credit where credit is due for the perfectly executed effort that I see in every episode in terms of animation.

Rapunzel and Eugene’s relationship: This was not something I was expecting to enjoy from the series. In the movie, Rapunzel and Eugene were fine. They were the typical Disney couple that worked off of each other enough that it was always entertaining, even if it was unbelievable that they fell deeply in love with each other after, like, two days. They weren't bad, but they weren't anything to go crazy over.

But the writers for the series said, "You know what, let's make these two adorable in nearly every scene they're in." And they are!

Even though I don't believe in their relationship in the movie, I fully believe it here. Both characters have a large amount of faith in one another on top of having endless love for their partner. Like how Eugene knew Rapunzel would be fine when taking out an airship or how Rapunzel couldn't bring herself to say a bad thing about Eugene when making Cassandra a sparring dummy of him. It's legitimately pleasant to watch, to the point where I put Rapunzel and Eugene in my top ten list of favorite fictional couples. They're that good to me, and it's one of the reasons why I don't jump on the bandwagon of shipping the two main female characters together. I'm all for LGBTQA+ representation, but give Cassandra her own girlfriend. Rapunzel's taken, and most of my enjoyment of this show comes from her and her man. So, you know, keep things as they are.

Cassandra (Seasons One and Two): Seeing how I've already mentioned her, let's talk about Cassandra, shall we? Because when making a series based on a movie that had only four prominent characters, with two of them being comedic animal sidekicks, you're going to need to introduce more members to the main cast to write more potential stories. And Cassandra, in Seasons One and Two (I'll get to Season Three), is a worthy addition. She acts as a strict straight man (I know the irony) who interacts well with Rapunzel and clashes perfectly with Eugene on occasion. She was passably entertaining in Season One and developed amazingly in Season Two. Her growing frustrations with Rapunzel's actions lead to a slow build-up that made her betrayal heartbreaking but somewhat understandable. And as for the results in that betrayal...yeah, I'll get into that later. For now, I'll just say that Cassandra was a pleasant addition to the main cast, especially when she was a part of the main trio, and she's yet another good surprise that the writers supplied for the series.

The Songs: The songs are...not going to be for everyone. Most of them are passable yet kind of generic, while others sound like they belong on Disney Junior (Looking at you, "Bigger Than That"). But when Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure makes a hit, MAN, it is a home run. Numbers like "Ready As I'll Ever Be" and "Nothing Left to Lose" are sung phenomenally, orchestrated well, and are songs I can listen to on repeat multiple times. And "Waiting in the Wings" is not only something I consider to be the best song in the series, but it's also something I'd place as high up on Disney's best due to how f**king incredible it is. "Waiting in the Wings" is a powerful ballad that manages to be both tragic yet inspiring on top of how well it sums up Cassandra as a character. The writers may not always be on top of their game when it comes to music, but songs like these prove that they know how to earn that Disney name.

And that’s all I have for the likes...Oh boy. That’s not a good thing is it?

WHAT I DISLIKED

It Peaked at Season One: It did. It really did.

Season One felt like the writers had a grip on what type of show they wanted: A slice-of-life series with Rapunzel dealing with the issues of her kingdom with a meager threat of these black rocks growing in the background. It was all cute and well-balanced for the most part, but that all disappears in Season Two. Because now it's sort of about this adventure, but because Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure set itself as a slice-of-life series, there need to be these small-scale stories that intertwine the grand narrative being told. The issue is that the story comes to a grinding halt one too many times as fans are forced to sit through these filler episodes that, while not all of them are bad, still feel like a distraction. And by Season Three, the series does feel more focused while having some slice-of-life episodes added to the ongoing story instead of distracting us from it. But the writing isn't as strong, there are several plot holes in the narrative (how did Rapunzel's sunstone get into her dress?), and there is way too much time going back and forth on Cassandra's morality. They claim that she's a villain while arguing that there might still be some good in her, and they continue this train of thought for nine episodes when it really could have been settled in two. For me, it's a bad sign for a series when the first season is the best one. Because if it's all downhill from there, what's the point of even watching?

It Tries to be Epic: This might have been the worst decision the writers could have made.

Now, here's the thing: I don't mind grand epic tales of adventure and battles against demons. If anything, I'm all for them...when it's appropriate and fits with the tone of the series.

Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure suffers a similar problem Frozen II has, in which the writers felt like a big, life-threatening adventure was the perfect continuation of a meager, personal story about the relationships of characters. It isn't. If anything, it's completely missing the mark about what the original story was about. And sure, sometimes writers can succeed in telling personal stories through grand adventures. Just look at The Owl House and parts of Amphibia. But with those shows, it's established within the first few episodes that action and peril will be a series staple. With Tangled, while there was some action and peril, it's all very subdued compared to how high the stakes got raised in later episodes in the show. Especially in the series finale.

And, I mean, c'mon. You're making Rapunzel an action hero?

Judy Hopps? Yes.

Moana? Maybe.

Raya? Most definitely.

But Rapunzel? The character who’s all about optimism and seeing the best of others. That's the character you're going to morph into a hero that fights against an evil demon laid dormant for years? Did you even watch the original movie? Yeah, sorry, but I just don't buy it.

If you want to tell an epic story that gets the blood pumping for fans addicted to adventure, go for it! See where the wind takes you. But make sure to set that tone as early as possible while also making sure that it fits with the characters. If not, the end result is a series that feels like it's trying to be something it’s not.

Eugene is Kind of an Idiot at Times: It should be noted that Movie-Eugene and Series-Eugene are practically two different characters. In the film, Eugene was more or less the straight man, as he often questions the wackiness in the world around him and keeping Rapunzel grounded in reality. For the series, most of that personality got transferred to Cassandra. Thus making Eugene's new role in the series act as the egotistical imbecile. Sure, he had those moments in the film, but not as frequently, and it really pains me when the writers really lean hard into a minor aspect of his personality. Sometimes there are moments when Eugene acts like his original self. But it's all small scenes that are spread apart with entire episodes where he has half a brain cell. I'm sure some people didn't mind this change to the character, but as someone who adores the movie version of Eugene, I can't help but feel disappointed.

The Villains are the Worst: Now, I don't mean the one-off villains that show up, cause some chaos for a bit, and disappear at the end of the episode. Those are characters with fun personalities, occasionally cool designs, and do their job as villains of the week. It doesn't matter if their motivations are laughably simple, as their purpose is to be enjoyable characters above anything else. So I actually enjoy those villains...it's the ones that act as season-long antagonists that really grind my gears.

The purpose behind these types of foes is to build up how evil they are throughout the season. The issue is that the writers try to give these characters, or at least two of them, a point. To be fair, this can work. Just look at Killmonger from Black Panther and sometimes Karli Morgenthau from The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. You understand and probably even sympathize with the logic and reasoning these characters have. It's just that their actions couldn't be farther from what you would do. The problem with Varian and Cassandra is that they have the motivation, but it's not written suitably for the story.

Cassandra is a whole can of worms I'll get to in a minute, but Varian is someone I can easily discuss for a brief time. Because while I can comprehend his pain for having his father frozen in yellow rock, I don't think turning evil is the best decision to go with that character. Because A. Everything is his fault. He blames Rapunzel for not helping him, but even if she didn't have a crisis to deal with, there was nothing she could have done to stop it. His frustrations are not only unjustified, but given the fact that this wouldn't have happened if he listened to his father in the first place, it feels like him becoming evil is too drastic of a turn. And B. Varian worked much better as a supporting character rather than a primary antagonist. He was just this hopeful, if not a clumsy scientist who wanted to prove himself, who causes minor catastrophes due to not thinking ahead. Turning a character like Varian into a villain is a bit of a misstep because if the guy acts hilariously incompetent as a good guy, it makes little sense to have him be intelligent and ten steps ahead of Rapunzel when being evil. If he were to become more serious and careful when helping the rest of the main cast, I'd consider that character progression done properly. But becoming a villain is just an overreaction.

However, none of that compares with my issues with the main antagonist of the series: Zhan Tiri. This goes back to my problems with the series making itself too epic. Because if Zhan Tiri existed in any other show, I probably wouldn't have any problem with her. She's built up well throughout all three seasons and is kind of threatening at times. But she doesn't belong in a series based on a movie that dealt with a small, personal issue where it wasn't even the character who killed the villain in the end. It was her love interest and animal sidekick. Even if Zhan Tiri works well as a character, the fact that it doesn't feel like she belongs in the show makes her too distracting to enjoy. And that's why these villains suck. If not poorly written, they don't belong in a series that should focus on small-scale issues. And if you can functionally write an antagonist that appears for only one episode but flounder with ones that show up in several, well, that's just embarrassing.

Cassandra (Season 3): OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH BOY, do I have some words to express with this character. Like with Movie-Eugene and Series-Eugene, Cassandra from Seasons One and Two is frustratingly different from the psychotic IDIOT from Season Three. Basically, just take the issues I have with Varian, multiply them by ten, add them with some bafflingly stupid decisions, and you still wouldn't get how much Season Three-Cassandra frustrates me!

First off, her motivation...what the f**k were the writers thinking? The big reason why Cassandra betrays Rapunzel and motivates all of her misdeeds was that Cassandra's mother was Mother Gothal...EXPLAIN THAT LOGIC TO ME?! Because Cassandra should know what type of woman Mother Gothal was. She should know what Mother Gothal did to Rapunzel in the first eighteen years of her life. So how is Cassandra being abandoned by Gothal the central motivator to cut ties with Rapunzel, who is probably an even bigger victim in this scenario!? Seriously, Rapunzel was cut off from the rest of the world and treated as an unknowing prisoner because she was beneficial to Gothal. Cassandra was adopted into a household with mutual love and got to actually live her life. In no way does it make sense for her to be angry at Rapunzel.

Nor does it make sense that the writers try to play it off as a good thing in the song "Crossing the Line!" Sure, it sounds nice, but thematically, it gives across the opposite feelings that the audience should have. Because if Cassandra cutting ties with Rapunzel is meant to be tragic and awful, why is the music suggesting it's the best possible thing that's ever happened for the character? If you like the song, fine, but even you have to admit that it's thematic nonsense.

But, sure. Cassandra's evil now, and she considers it a good thing. Whatever. I'll take it as long as it leads to good stories...but here's the thing: In the penultimate episode before the three-part series finale, Cassandra asks a question. A question I would have never expected her to ask, despite everything that has happened in the last season. A question that was so baffling, I had to legitimately pause the episode to process the fact that she asked something so stupid. Because Cassandra, the character who is intelligent and grounded in reality, asked, "Am I the bad guy?"

I was honestly shocked to find out she was shocked! How, in the flying, everlasting, cock-a-doodle-doodling F**K does a person like her not pick up that maybe, just maybe, she isn't the hero in this story!? Call me crazy, but endangering the lives of people you once called friends and family, dressing in black, AND HAVING A GIANT EVIL-LOOKING TOWER MADE OUT OF F**KING SPIKES aren't qualities I would give to a hero!

If Cassandra was like Thanos, a character so wrapped up in his ego that he can't even notice how evil he is, I would understand. But she doesn't have an ego. Anger, yes. But for the most part, her personality is based on having logic and reasoning. So turning her into a villain and having her unaware that she's a villain is an act of lunacy that I am incapable of understanding. I don't know who's idea this was, but whoever is to blame...you've got issues.

>Sighs<...This series isn't good, is it?

IN CONCLUSION

I like the animation and some of the characters...but that's not enough. Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure is a mess of a show that tries to do too much for a story that should have so little. Meaning that it's a D+ for me. I want to enjoy it and give it a higher grade, especially with how much I hear people praise this series. And if you do enjoy it, all the power to you. Your opinions are valid, even if I highly disagree with them. Because for me, this is a show that I won't get myself tangled up in again in the future.

[national-nobody-writes]

2020 Creator Wrap

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

I was tagged by the oh so talented @irolltwenties!

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I’m not a particularly prolific writer (WIPs for days, but completed projects? Not so much). Somehow in this hell year though, I did manage to complete more fics than in any previous year for a total of seven new works (~49k words, all on ao3), plus a chunky chap of a long running WIP (~20k words) so I’m actually pretty damn proud of myself! I also made some new fandom friends in 2020 which has easily been one of the biggest delights of the year & has definitely helped my creative momentum, so ty all for that. <3

Counting down from 5, here are my favs:

5. Downtime

I have endless love for JayRoy and it felt so good to finally finish something for them for once this year! All of my past WIPs primarily focused on them ended up firmly in my graveyard folder, including the fic that this one shot was originally meant to be connected to. I liked the way this turned out well enough to clean it up and post it on its own though, so at least now I can say that I have something published for them at last.

(Also it got me back into the JayRoy headspace enough to outline a whole YJ/Earth16 JayRoy fic that I’m excited to start drafting in 2021, so we’ll see where that goes...)

2.3k NSFW; A mix of playful sweet and roughness, just like them.

4. Mirror Image

Bluepulse Week really saved me this year in terms of forcing me to just write, damn it! Did I finish all the prompts this year? Nope. Did it get me to complete a handful of fics that I ended up really loving? Yes. This was one of them.

This fic zoomed into existence entirely out of necessity as an alt idea to a prompt that I had a much longer idea for, but didn’t have time to complete. It then got a positive enough reception that I decided to turn it from a crack-adjacent, passable one-shot to a slightly more developed two-shot by request of one of my commenters. Really, it was writing that second chapter that ended up endearing the fic to me.

6.3k Humor, time travel shenanigans & accidental dating. This fic is the sweetness of teenage crushes, the confusing mess of discovering your sexuality, & laughter with your best friend.

3. Soft Wesper One Shots

Would you look at that, another nsfw piece. Could it be that I’m starting to get to the point where I can look back at completed nsfw fics without cringing terribly? Love that for me.

This fic took me by surprise, tbh. I wouldn’t consider myself a part of the grisaverse fandom (I’m utterly ambivalent toward the OG trilogy & have no plans to read them), but I did fall deeply in love with the whole Six of Crows gang earlier this year to the point of having quite the book hangover afterward, unable to pick up anything else except related fanfic for a couple weeks straight. These fluffy, nsfw scenes were born out of that, and I was pleasantly surprised to see such a positive response to them in the comments. The whole SoC gang has my heart, but the dynamic between Jesper and Wylan in particular got my writing fingers itching.

3.7k Domestic, post-canon fluff & tender sex with flirty Jesper & blushing Wylan abound.

2. Stick With Me

Ohh, I still get warm fuzzies thinking about this fic! If I’m only low-key proud of the first three on this list, this is one I’m legitimately very proud of. I had this idea on the docket already from a convo with @ivyxwrites early this year (or maybe last year? who knows, time means nothing anymore) but used Bluepulse Week as the excuse to finally get started, and I ended up adoring the process of writing it far more than I anticipated.

As much as I love planning out meticulously crafted, plotty stories, sometimes all you want to do is pick some well-loved tropes out of a hat instead and run with them (in this case: stuck in a cabin, only one bed, & heated argument leading to confession). It was freeing to just mess around and have fun with this fic, knowing pretty much right from the get-go how I wanted it to unfold and seeing it so vividly in my mind. It also probably helped that I was writing it for Ivy; it’s much easier for me to stay motivated when creating directly for my friends.

Finishing this was also such a serotonin-filled burst of pure victory for me since, as previously stated, I’m terrible at finishing projects--particularly multi-chap fics, particularly within a decent timeframe.

25.5k A showcase of the essence of what I love about the best friends-to-lovers dynamic. Part character study, part wires getting crossed & uncrossed, and whole idiots to lovers. This fic is the warmth in the pit of your stomach from a yearning made real & the sudden clarity of realizing what you were looking for had already been there all along.

1. The Rest Pt 1: Delicate (Remember Me Chap 4)

Oh, Remember Me. Of everything I’ve ever written, this story remains the one I’m most proud of and certainly the closest to my heart (not to mention the longest running, whoops). The first iteration of the beginning of this story was actually drafted back in 2017, but I walked away from it for a couple of years before deciding to dust it off and try again. It has spiraled into something far bigger in scope than I originally planned for, but I’ve come to love the path it’s led me down so far, and finishing this whopping 20k chunkster of a chapter was like breathing a huge (if temporary) sigh of relief.

This chap was particularly cathartic to write because it allowed for a number of convos between the boys that had really needed to happen, and was finally the ‘getting together’ moment the fic had been building toward for a while. It’s also so sappy I could die, but I will not be apologizing for that, lol. I was really hoping to get Chap 5 up this year as well, but y’know. Sometimes things just don’t work out like you plan for and that’s okay. 

Chap 5 does have 17k done already (with prob another 5-8k still to go) & I’m itching to share it, but no sense in rushing if the end result would suffer for it. Luckily, everyone in comments has been kind enough to beat me over the head with ‘take your time, we don’t mind/we’ll still be here!!!’ which I’m immensely grateful for. So, at least the pressure to hurry up and get it done is purely self-inflicted.

Of all my works, this fic has not only gotten the most passionate responses, but has also been the main gateway for me to interact with other bluepulse creators, which has been a real joy. Nothing brightens my day like the essays people leave me over there from time to time after discovering the fic. That kind of engagement is the highest praise, & responding is very self indulgent fun for me (bc, clearly, I could go on and on about this fic & YJ in general forever).

54.8k total so far (WIP). Bart & Jaime’s relationship journey from beginning to ‘current day’ (aka the moment the fic begins), using amnesia/memory restoration as a framing device. The high highs and low lows of first love, navigating a 3 yr age difference, and the long, winding road from best friends to lovers as the years roll on. Slow-burn-adjacent (in terms of both the boys’ relationship to each other and reader’s relationship to the fic bc of how long I take between goddamn updates).

Tagging @ivyxwrites, @incorrectbatfam, @paintingwithdarkness, @bluepulsebluepulse

[tothedarkdarkseas]

The funny thing is...I've been waiting to send you asks! So, first of all, I ADORE your characterization of 2Doc. It may very well be my favorite, in fact. You describe your version as "harsher." I understand why, but are there any "softer" characterizations you enjoy? As in, what is your standard of "softness" for the lads? Do you enjoy any "soft" portrayals of 2Doc in the fandom? Do you enjoy any other characterizations besides your own?

First and foremost, thank you so much for saying that! That truly means a lot to me. I know maybe that just sounds like a thing people say, like “I appreciate your support,” but it really does mean more than you realize. Writing can occupy a weird space in fandom, especially this one, and it’s easy to feel sort of isolated. I can be a defeatist and I’ve never really considered myself A Writer, I just… have written things. I feel like you need to be better at it and do it with more frequency to be A Writer, haha. So to hear things like that is a real kindness. I do say my content is harsher, and I say that to express that I understand why people may not like and may not engage with it. I get it! But conversely, it’s simply true that people want to feel like they have an audience and there is a point to making content aside from just… the personal spectacle of it. Like, if it’s gonna be a spectacle, make it entertaining! So that bolsters me, sincerely, it does. (And please feel free to send me asks if you’d like! I also just don’t get a lot of asks for those same reasons, the content being kinda unlikable and me being rather sporadic in posts and hey, I get it– but it’s always nice.)

Sorry that I’m sort of answering these out of order, but I’ve got to pay dues right away to the last bit: “Do you enjoy any other characterizations besides your own?” Absolutely! My version of 2Doc is not my favorite 2Doc, and I’d barely call it mine! From the start my characterization has been lovingly ripped off from @elapsed-spiral, specifically their entire-Gorillaz-canon-spanning fic Yearz. When I got into the fandom as a relative newcomer, Yearz was only a few chapters in. I was not entirely on board shipping 2Doc at the time because I hadn’t really been sucked in by any of the shorter fics I’d read, which tended to depict Stu a bit wet and hard to get much of a grip on. I really had an itch in me to like Stu and be Controversial:tm: with his character, and Yearz not only scratched it but cleaved my arm off! Oi! The reason I began writing was wholly due to the foundation Danni laid. I wouldn’t have bothered if I hadn’t seen what an ugly but gripping and human experience you could portray with these characters, and known there was a place for it and someone could really enjoy it. I don’t think there’s anyone who follows me and isn’t already familiar with Yearz, but on that chance, gotta be clear that I consider my 2Doc to just be a spinoff of what Danni had already paved the way for! If you want to see these guys be harsh and incompatible but inescapably tethered, and have all the jokes actually land, @elapsed-spiral‘s characerization is what you’re after.

So, my standard for softness. This is difficult to describe well and I apologize upfront if it’s just a messy ramble, but I feel there’s a distinction between enjoying things in a respectful way, in a way that acknowledges skill and storytelling, and getting a warm-and-fuzzy sort of enjoyment out of them. I’ve definitely read and enjoyed softer portrayals of them as well-written stories, but I do think of my own characterization as very removed from that. What is “standard soft” for me is not very, but that has no bearing on whether soft stories are good or not! There is a certain “tenderness culture” on Tumblr and I respect it, I see no problem in making the most personally fulfilling content possible– but in response to the demand for that alone, it at times feels like there’s a necessity to explain yourself, or to force a happy ending just so it’s seen as having a “purpose.” (I mean, fair, realistically my stories serve no purpose at all. They are an exercise in futility 100%) This is not necessarily a popular viewpoint, but for myself, I don’t think the main purpose of a story is making you feel any specific way, good or bad– the main purpose is to tell a story the reader can think about and engage with, and if you tell it well enough they’ll feel what it’s appropriate to feel. It is a vitally important bonus in distinguishing “passable” stories from “good” ones, and that emotional response is what makes you feel connected to the material and author, but it’s not all a story has to be. What we feel connected to won’t always look the same, and it won’t ever reach an entire audience the same way. But mostly, when it comes to the sweeter side of 2Doc– me giving a “stamp of approval” is totally worthless, I don’t think anyone writing actually enjoyable stories that people feel good reading are aiming to hook me, haha. Nor should they! I’d never want someone to add hard edges they don’t like onto the soft stories that inspired them, they matter and they’re cherished as they are! As long as one kind of content exists, that’s a good reason for another kind to exist, and another, and then– thank god!– we get many pieces of work with completely different ideas behind them.

 As for an extremely soft writer who I think is just phenomenal, you can’t miss @supposed2bfunny! Beck’s been filling this role in the fandom in such a unique way and it’s clear why so many connect with her. There is a hard-baked romance to her writing that is undeniable, and I mean that in a very classic sense. Her grip on language and personal poetic style is very enjoyable to me no matter how much “our 2Docs” resemble each other or not! I hope Beck knows that I very much respect not only her talent, but the soft heart that goes into it. People need that, and people will always need that! It’s a very human thing, to seek things that resonate with you, and I have a great love for human things!

[letshermeneutic]

Thoughts on Netflix’s Locke & Key

Overall Rating: 6/10

 I really wanted to like this show. I mostly do, honestly. But there's just some parts that... just missed the mark. Or left me feeling confused.

Normally, I can binge through a 8-10 episode netflix series like a champ - aka in one sitting, but it took me about 4 days to get through this show, (just finished it last night).

I understand this is adapted from a graphic novel, but I just feel like the show itself doesn't know what it wants to be and in turn it left me feeling confused.

 I understand that we live in a time when damn near everything is evolving faster than it ever has - technology, which in turn changes our behavior - changing the way we watch TV, et cetera.

Basically - and I’m sure you all have noticed it too, but this industry is changing quickly. The way we watch shows and movies today is totally different than how we watched them fifteen years ago. Even ten years ago.

So the thought that this show, Locke & Key needs to adhere to old TV norms isn’t exactly fair, but at the same time, it helps me - the viewer, know in some way what to expect from the show.

I don’t mind having my expectations subverted, if it’s in a good way. I don’t think anyone minds that if it’s done in a good way.

 As someone who went into this with no idea what to expect, I immediately thought that this was Netflix’s answer to HBO’s His Dark Materials - some sort of epic adventure that the whole family can watch.

But they never went on an adventure and I could kind of sense that they weren’t going to be by episode 3 or 5 so that idea was quashed.

I then tried to figure out who this show was aimed for - teens 14-18? Maybe.

 The acting was okay. I think that the script wasn’t doing any of them any favors. There were some pretty clunky lines at some strange times.

I personally think the weakest actor was Emilia Jones, the actress that plays Kinsey Locke. Now, obviously, I’m no acting expert - there have been plenty of times when I felt like the acting in a show or film was pretty good but then all the professional critics online stated otherwise - or the exact opposite has happened - regardless, my point is I don’t consider myself to be a great gauge on someone’s acting chops.

I did, however, find Emilia’s to be pretty flat. I felt like there were a lot of scenes were Emilia’s emotion wasn’t appropriate or enough.

Overall, if I had to use one word to describe it it would be flat.

 I thought Darby Stanchfield, who plays matriarch Nina Locke, did pretty good. I feel like she did the best with what she was given. I don’t feel like the character was written very well, and again like mentioned earlier a lot of lines in the script just didn’t seem to work. I spent a lot of the show just confused by Nina Locke. I just didn’t understand the point of her character. She didn’t really have an arch, or if she did I completely missed it.

She just seemed to be all over the place, and I completely get that she just lost her husband, tragically, recently, but there are ways deep grief can be shown that make more sense than what I saw.

 I will say, one good thing about the writing - I think they did a very good job at writing a child - being Bode Locke, without making him unbearably annoying. I feel that most writers have a pretty difficult time with writing teenagers and children, but they did a good job here. Granted, I know this is an adaptation, so it could be that Gabriel Rodriguez and Joe Hill know how to write children well.

I think the actor Jackson Robert Scott did pretty well as him.

 Laysla De Oliveira, the actress that plays Dodge - I thought she did remarkably well in the role, but was unfortunately crippled by her lines. I remember in particular there was one scene where she had finished knocking someone down, (can’t remember who), and she says something really out of left field - obviously meant to be an insult, but it was just so what the hell?

 To sum it up for acting and the cast - I think overall the performances were pretty good, (save for Emilia’s) but they were all undermined by bad dialogue.

 Moving on to the story itself - I haven’t read the graphic novels, so I don’t know any of the lore or background, but all I can say is when I first started watching, I was excited.

I was excited to be introduced into this magical fantasy world of keys.

But to me, nothing much really happens with it.

I don’t think I would mind that as much if this were the first part of a film series. You spend the first film, laying down the groundwork, introducing all your characters, the background, and slowly bring the more supernatural elements and key lore to the forefront - okay sure, I can get behind that. Absolutely.

But to spend an entire 10 hour season, I think that’s overkill.

 To me, only really having one main villain was a problem. A lot of their fight against her just didn’t seem believable. There were either parts were I’m like, “seriously someone could’ve done something there’s 6 of you” - or parts were she was so OP, I kept thinking to myself “wait, that’s right, this is a fantasy/scifi show with powerful villains and these are just regular kids, with no weapons, training, or anything whatsoever”.

I’ve seen plenty of shows and films were there was only one villain, but it’s done well. I think the issue is she just doesn’t seem like a huge threat. I don’t feel like we’ve really gotten to know her much at all this entire season - her motivations.

  Also, there’s no key society? You have a giant ass mansion that’s been in the Locke family at least since the 19th century, (since great great granddad mentioned something in 1892), for I’m guessing the purpose of being “keepers of the keys”, but you’d think that that would have spread somehow to other families.

It is of course possible to have it all kept to one family, but I find that disappointing to be honest.

Maybe just have like one or two families out there somewhere… The Doorbells and the Knob family, baha.

 Overall, it’s an interesting story, and it’s one that can be enjoyed by the whole family with a PG-13 rating, or TV-PG I think.. so most of the whole family or the whole family if you’re that way (hey, I remember 8 year olds watching R rated films in elementary school).

I guess I should say it’s an interesting concept, but I don’t think the story was executed well. They set up what they needed to in the last episode for season 2, but honestly I don’t think I will be watching it.

A good story should leave you coming back for more and Locke & Key just wasn’t it for me.

If I had kids 11+, I probably would watch Season 2 with them since there probably wouldn’t be a ton of passable shows we could watch together.

[dcarevu]

DCAU #10: Be a Clown

“They don’t make straight jackets like they used to! (I should know…)”

After that last oddball episode, it feels nice to settle back into some familiar territory for this one, at least somewhat. Admittedly, even though we have been enjoying the show, it does have kind of a slow start, and to me, this episode isn’t really an exception. Next time things are scheduled to rise to the next level, but in the meantime, let’s look at why Be A Clown was passable, but a little underwhelming.

Villain: The Joker Robin:  No Writers: Red Pedersen, Steve Hayes Director: Frank Paur Animator: Akom Airdate: September 16, 1992 Episode Grade: C

Having the Joker disguise himself as a birthday clown and fighting Batman at an abandoned (or maybe it was simply closed?) carnival is an obvious setup for an episode, maybe a little bit too obvious? It didn’t make for much excitement, at least not until the end where Bruce Timm ended up storyboarding (apparently they had a freelancer leave before the episode was finished, so Bruce Timm had to finish it himself). I think this episode was another example of them not taking full advantage of their concept. But like I said, I did enjoy the ending, particularly when Batman was attempting to get the situation under control while on the roller coaster, and Joker is lobbing those “baby bombs” as Char called them.

The baby bombs were cool because it would be so easy to give the Joker some cornball 60’s-inspired clown weapons and call it good. I feel like the “baby bombs” in a way were partially that, but they also had a sense of weird and creepiness too, and work for a modern version of the Joker. We also see the return of Joker’s razor sharp throwing cards, along with a card that could somehow expel knockout gas. The razor cards are awesome, as they are a play on actual card throwing. A very real stunt among magicians, such as Ricky Jay, is throwing cards at such a speed that they can actually stick into objects such as a watermelon. The Joker is a dishonest manipulator, so giving him what is basically a cheater’s version of throwing cards, along with that being an actual weapon, makes sense with his personality. The knockout card was a bit weirder, neither Char or I really know how that would work. It jumped the shark a little, especially with how quickly it seemed to work on Batman. That must have been some strong stuff! Batman wasn’t super prepared for that one, and moments where he lacks the competence he usually has does stick out a little. But that’s more just nitpicking, and it didn’t really take away from anything.

I also thought that the Joker easily could have unmasked Batman when he was out cold, but maybe at this stage the Joker didn’t care so much about seeing Batman’s true face? The Joker is almost like a cat playing with a mouse sometimes, he doesn’t really care that much about what ultimately happens in the end, or even planning the next time they meet. He mostly cares about the in the moment plan, and having fun making life a living hell for everyone involved, including Batman. And I mean, he decided to set off a bomb at a child’s birthday party just because the mayor noted in an interview that he wanted to keep Gotham a safe place. As Char said, Joker may seem to have a high IQ, but his insanity level is also high, and they are constantly at odds with each other.

This episode also gave us our first major look at Mayor Hill. We have seen him before, but I think the most we’ve seen of him was his appearance in On Leather Wings which I didn’t even note when I covered that episode. I had honestly forgot that he becomes a semi-recurring character. Like the series bible planned, going by this episode, he seems to be a wishy-washy man that has practically zero guts, zero spine, and zero ambition to do anything aside from making sure he is seen as good in the eyes of the public. It’s not really clear as to whether or not the ordinary citizens of Gotham appreciate him as a mayor, but with how phony he seemed, it wouldn’t surprise me if people saw right through him. Come on, there is no way anyone living in Gotham would believe that the police chase which interrupted his speech on the new apartments was an isolated incident, right? This is the main reason why The Joker decides to challenge him a little, and show just how easy it is to detonate a bomb and rack up a body count it is in this place. I like seeing some actual motivation for the Joker, even if for any sane person this wouldn’t be.

On top of a phony politician, the mayor seems to be a disconnected father who thinks that he cares about his son, or at least wants people to think that. His son seems to love his father, but get easily frustrated with how he behaves, projecting himself onto his son all too often, and not truly getting to know what his son likes or wants. He completely dismisses his son’s magic hobby, as an example, and he turns his son’s birthday into what is basically a meeting among people with power and people with money. Poor kid. At least his father did have the courtesy to hire Jekko the Clown, but not even that can go right as it ends up being the Joker in disguise.

As a child-focuses episode, something I mentioned not typically being very good before, a lot of the usual sins aren’t here. The integrity of the episode isn’t completely thrown away to completely turn it into a kids’ show. We actually do have some relatable emotional scenes as well, such as when the kid is returned to his father, or even when it comes to the father being so distant toward his son. Also the child voice actor is surprisingly pretty good! Basically, I didn’t find myself embarrassed to be showing this episode to Char, and that’s a main reason why I find this episode to be passable in my book, despite it being a recipe for disaster. The only thing about the kid that Char and I really didn’t care for was his design. There was another kid at the birthday party with the same design issue, too. They don’t really look like kids, they look like mini adults with high-pitched voices. I don’t know if it’s the suit, or the hair, or the proportions, or something else entirely, but the kids in The Underdwellers looked a lot more like kids to me. Yeah, maybe they were meant to be younger, but one thing about kids is that they’re god damn goofy looking, particularly when placed inside an adult-looking suit. This kid doesn’t. Oh, and that receding hairline didn’t help, either.

It is interesting to see the Joker interacting with a kid, though. When they’re at the party, the Joker doesn’t seem to put too much attention into the kid, aside from messing with a him a little bit. But then back at the amusement park, he gets a little bit more giddy at the thought of ruining the kid’s innocence, and he even abandons Batman to chase after the kid to get him to watch Batman die. That’s pretty messed up, when you think about it! Char thought that the Joker seemed to work off of a partner in crime pretty well, and that maybe in a sense he is lonely. But I think we’re also both on the same page where we think it more comes from his joy of manipulating people, brainwashing them, and molding them to fit his needs, much like what happens with another character that we all know and love. Other than that, though, I never really got the sense that the kid was in any real danger, at least not in the moment, but who knows what would have happened if Joker did manage to escape or take Batman down. I think that if Joker escaped, he would have left the kid at the park. Maybe even on the roller coaster. But if Batman was killed, I have a suspicion that Joker would not be able to ignore the opportunity to adopt him in his own special kind of way, and morph into something similar to what we see when we get to Batman Beyond. But that’s not until way later. This is probably my favorite bit of the episode by the way, when the Joker is exposing the kid to his madness, as Char and I both think that this segment contained some of the best lines in the episode. One of them is the first quote used in this post, and then we had others such as, “If it wasn’t risky, I wouldn’t enjoy it,” and “Quiet, kid, it’s a free ticket.” Mark Hamill’s delivery is probably 60% of why these moments were so funny.

So this episode did have quite a bit going for it, but before we get to the spooky carnival stuff and the Joker/mayor’s son dynamic, there really just wasn’t that much which I considered entertaining. It’s hard to narrow down exactly why, but because there isn’t too-too much to complain about, I can hardly say the episode failed. It just turned out to be a little too forgettable for me. If they had gone further with the initial concept of Batman having a hard time saving the boy due to his frightening costume I think we would have had something much more worth watching (again, Batman Beyond). This is also our 3rd Joker episode, so he has made up 1/3 of the series so far. Maybe a little break from him would do some good? At least he didn’t trip and fall over a pit of something this time, but, yeah, he still fell at the end. Oh, Joker. You have gotta do something about that.

Char’s grade: B Major firsts: A close look at Mayor Hill.

Next time: Two-Face (Part 1)

Full episode list here!

[naakunachinavi]

Mahanati: Worth the hype?

Disclaimer: Some incessant ranting on your way (I can’t believe that it’s 1300+ words). Please stop reading if you dislike reading lengthy posts. This post is a downpour of my emotions/feelings as I watch the film. This is not a review because I am not a film critic to pen down such. This post is based on some archives, some self-understanding and some information which I got from my parents and grandparents. I can’t guarantee 100% authenticity of it. Also, pardon my grammatical errors.

My heartfelt words of praise to the intelligent film makers as they succeed in their objective -The film has done great job at the box office and has garnered accolades from the audience and the critics. Why intelligent? Because they saw many benefits including monetary ones (no wonder, cinema is also about money making) from this biopic.

Not many from the present generation of Telugu people (especially teenagers) know much about this legendary artist of the 1950s called Savitri. Most of them have hardly seen her work. She has done 148 Telugu films, 102 Tamil films, 6 Kannada films, 6 Hindi films and 3 Malayalam films that make the total of 265 films spending 30 years in the cinema industry.

People from the 50-60s age group, who have seen her work and have adored her acting would be curious to watch this movie, even though they knew the same things about her life, which were going to be showcased in the movie.

I was initially disinterested about this movie due to these reasons -  

Right from my childhood, I have grown up watching Savitri Amma’s films. I have lost count of how many times I watched them. These classics are so close to my heart that I remember every dialogue from every nook and corner of her films. Such was her enthralling screen presence and acting. One instance would be the scene where she expresses through those beautiful eyes in the song ‘Kolu Koloyamma’ from the movie ‘Gundamma Katha’ is splendid. I was afraid that scenes reproduced in her biopic may tamper the memories of those precious scenes for me. Some of my favourites (in no order of preference) include: Maayabazaar, Paandava Vanavaasam, Narthanasaala, Kanyasulkam, Dr. Chakravarthi, Devadasu, Missamma, Mooga Manasulu, Kalasi Unte Kaladu Sukham and the list is just endless.

I could not see anyone except her. How much ever good one might be in reproducing Savitri Amma on screen, my eyes would not at all relate to her. When I saw posters of Savitri and Keerthy Suresh one beside the other, I was like “Savitri Amma ekkada and Keerthy Suresh ekkada?” (Nay! No comparisions at all!). I knew her previous work and thus had very less expectations from her.

When heroines were on screen, none of us would concentrate on their physique. Well, this can be partially attributed to those golden days of movies where glamour was not the one and only constraint for heroines to sustain in the market. Savitri was one such heroine who had this amazing capability to keep our eyes glued to the screen by her performance. She was obese and so were other heroines like Bhanumathi Ramakrishna. Her position started fading away in the 60s, because she gained more weight. After she got addicted to alcohol, she lost weight but still enacted many small useless roles. The sight was so heart wrenching in the movie ‘Gorintaku’. I couldn’t see her like that. It was difficult for me to digest the fact that this was the same woman who had big and beautiful eyes, now succumbed to alcohol, looking so pale and weak. I didn’t have that courage to watch that being iterated.

I have seen my grandparents and my parents loathe Gemini Ganesan (GG). They believe that he was responsible for her fall. We failed to understand the reason behind Savitri falling in love with him. I was not ready to watch their love story. He was already married, was 13-15 years older than her and was in a relationship with Pushpavalli. She did the biggest mistake of her life by marrying him and choosing to live as his second wife. I don’t know what kind of a man he was. He married Juliana Andrews in 1997 almost when he was in his 70s or 80s. This makes me detest him, how much ever ‘Kaadhal Mannan’ (King of Romance) he might be.

But I gave up my dubiety. I watched the film with low expectations and I have mixed feelings at the end of it. The first half of the film was a letdown. There were lot of fictional elements added. A lot of creative liberty was taken in the plot of the film. Madhuravani and Antony’s angle was totally unnecessary. She is a fictional character who becomes a story telling device, narrating the story from a third person perspective. I don’t get why audiences found them cute. I was here to watch Savitri’s story, not their love story. But, it is true that this Tamil article was published by writer Sivashankari. The child Savitri phase was too fictionalised. Rajendra Prasad’s portrayal of Savitri’s uncle K V Chowdary was remarkable. DQ as usual does a great job. Many elements were ignored conveniently. Others in the supporting cast were just too middle-of-the-road. Keerthy Suresh’s acting in the recreated B&W scenes was just passable. She plainly imitated her. From where one can bring that demeanor Savitri possessed? Her personality, her eyes and acting versatility cannot be rivalled to that of Keerthy’s as the audiences claim. I was literally bored watching the sweet love story of GG and Savitri. A special mention to the ‘Mooga Manasulu’ song which is based on the tune from the movie ‘Devdasu’. An awesome visual delight it is.

Then came the second part and *boom*. A fabulous transition by Keerthy. She owned the second half. Her performance was outstanding. There were some issues here as well. The editing was low key. GG was never jealous of her. And second that she was so passionate about acting that lest she considered quitting films. Rest all is okay in this half. I have watched those photographs of her where she was seen riding an elephant with GG. She used to donate a lot of money to the people, and had an interest in buying big vintage idols of Gods and Goddesses. And yeah, her rash driving LOL. The arc from where she becomes ‘Mahanati’ (Great Actress), ‘Nadigayar Thilagam’, the one who used to have many cars, a swimming pool in her big mansion to phase where she distances herself from her family, gets addicted to alcohol, people cheating on her, her getting bankrupt… Every emotion illustrated was fantastic. 

And my worst fears came true. I started crying incessantly in the theater. Although I have known this story since childhood, watching it coming live on the silver screen was so agonising. And the climax and the songs ‘Chivaraku Migiledi’ (This one like the song ‘Mooga Manasulu’ is also one of her films’ names as well. There are so many elements in the film which were related to her films, like the name of the character Madhuravani was indeed the name of Savitri’s character in ‘Kanyasulkam’. One more instance where she refers both Tamil and Telugu industries dear to her, ‘Puttinillu Mettinillu’ is name of her another movie. I just loved this detailing) and ‘Gelupu Leni Samaram’ just added to it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Thank God, her face wasn’t shown to us, when she slips into coma. Thanks for sparing us that pain. This movie has done a decent job, but is quite lengthy, the scenes which were cut from the film were good. If they avoided those added fictional things and instead included these scenes, it would have been better.

Evelyn De Morgan said – “Art is eternal, but life is short”. True that. Savitri Amma died in her 40s. She was in coma for one and a half year. Like Divya Bharathi, Soundarya, Madhubala, and Sri Devi, she was gone too early. What remain are timeless treasures of their work.

[kevin-coleman]

Home is where the comfort is

I am looking for a new place to live.  If this is one of those “slice of a writer’s life” blogs, then here’s a wedge of that pie. 

Maybe I’ve written about this here before, maybe I haven’t, but I’m looking for a new place to live because of some noisy upstairs neighbours.  I won’t go into that whole side of it because I’ve learned a few things about the family which, if true, explain a lot of what I’ve been hearing, but be that as it may the situation is still bothersome and I need to get out of this unit, if not to improve my quality of life then certainly to preserve my sanity.

I’ve decided that a newer building is the focus of my search because newer buildings I’ve been in have all seemed quieter.  For instance, a woman I once dated complained to me about the “racket” her neighbours made; she lived in a brand new condo development and I could barely hear anything she complained about.  The same is true of the pair of newer apartment buildings I’ve visited: they’re quiet as libraries.  That’s what I want: peace and quiet.

I found a place in town that is brand new and looks amazing from the outside.  The floor plan for the unit I’ve got my eye on looks great, too.  The bedroom is big enough for my furniture, there’s a den/office where I can put my desk and workstation, en suite laundry with full-size washer and drier.  Dishwasher.  It’s like the lap of luxury compared to what I’ve got here. 

To be clear, I’m not living in a rundown shack.  My place is nice, but it’s just an older building with thin walls and the original architects never considered having all the appliances of a normal home in the unit.  The developer is giving private tours, even during the pandemic, so I booked one for this Friday and I feel like if the unit I want is available and everything goes the way I think it will, I will make a decision within a couple days to take it.

That got me to thinking about “home”.  What is it?  Is it a physical location?  Is it a concept?  Is it (merely) being comfortable in your own life? 

If it’s the latter, then I’ve been homeless for a long time.  I’ve been working at a job that, while I’ve gotten passably good at it and I’ve delivered value for the business (so my performance reviews have told me) I still feel like something is “off” in my life.  I feel like my life is telling me, “Yeah, you’re enjoying this gig and you’re making some decent scratch, but remember what you wanted as a kid?  Remember what you sacrificed to have a day job?  Is that what you want for yourself for the rest of your life?”

If “home” is being comfortable in your own life, then I’m a homeless man. 

This is not to say I’m gonna quit my job next week and start writing novels for a living.  In the times we’re living through, steady employment and a good pay cheque are the gold bar we all want to clutch close to our breast and besides I’m not a talented enough writer to be able to make a consistent living.  I haven’t developed the discipline that a professional writer needs to treat make a decent go of it.  I’m just saying that I want to make more room in my life for writing so that I don’t feel so adrift.

There is no denying that I feel better when I consistently make time for writing.  I am more myself when I write than when I’m on the phone negotiating when a defect is going to get fixed, or planning when a release will come out or what will be in it.  I am me when I’m turning a plot over in my mind, when I’m searching for a single word to capture a moment in the story, when I’m editing the shit draft to bring it back up to par.  I’m truly “home” in all those moments, despite the struggle and the self-doubt, despite my uncertainty about my talent.  I am me when I am hip deep in that struggle, weird to say. 

Do other people feel that way?  Do other people face the same internal conflict?  I can’t be the only one.  Maybe the new physical home will help me write better, or at least encourage me to sit down at this keyboard more often and peck away at my thoughts.

I’ll keep you all posted.  (All two of you. ;)

Photo by deborah cortelazzi on Unsplash.

[12timetraveler]

I've been a fangirl my whole life. Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Supernatural, Sherlock, etc. I've also been a story teller my whole life. My teachers knew I'd be a fiction writer long before I did, back when I still thought being a horse trainer was my ultimate goal in life (not that I don't wish I could have kept up with that but shit happens).

I've always had all these ideas swirling in my head needing to be written down. Usually I just wrote them and sorted them away on my computer for myself, because they were self-inserts and I'd been told those were no-nos in the fandom world.

Then I took a class on fanfiction in college (yes I got college credit for reading star trek Fanfiction.) And finally I started actually interacting with the Fanfiction community. But I still didn't want to post any of my work because, self-inserts.

Then I met a friend who introduced me to the wonderful world of Reader fics. To this day I still consider her my mentor in both reader fics and erotica. Finally I'd found my Fanfiction niche.

I still get nervous about posting. What if I'm not good at writing (girl you literally went to college to become a writer. You're at least passable). But AO3 is magical. It's so massive, there are always fics that have what you're looking for. And there are always readers who will enjoy your work, even if it's as cliché as "but there was only one bed!"

Fanfiction is just a magical place. I love it.

Love Letter to Fanfiction

I discovered fanfiction back in 2010 or so with the Sherlock fandom. I was watching The Reichanbach Fall, and John and Sherlock were running through the city, hand in hand and I remember thinking “Wow, they’d make a great couple.” I knew fanfiction existed, but hadn’t ever checked any of it out, so I google searched “Best Sherlock Fanfiction”. I read one, that I’ve long forgotten the title of, but that Sherlock/Johnlock fans probably remember, a smut piece in which Sherlock talks John into having an orgasm just by using his voice. 

It was quite literally the hottest thing I had ever read or seen, and then I was hooked. Read a bunch of Johnlock for a year or so, then let the fanfiction thing drop and moved on to other interests. I dipped back into it after seeing Mad Max Fury Road, and a little bit here and there for other fandoms, but never really got hooked again, cuz other stuff in life got in the way.

Then Good Omens came out. I honestly didn’t even ship them until I’d watched the entire series and saw their amazing chemistry, and then I was off and running. I wrote my first fic 6/15/2019 and have literally not stopped since. I’ve written 31 Good Omens fics and three Sherlock fics and I’ve read hundreds of GO/Sherlock and now Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell fanfics. All in the year since GO has come out.

I can’t even express in words what a gift fanfic is, and what an amazing gift AO3 is. The fics I’ve read have made me cry and lifted my heart and made me squeal with excitement over what will happen next. This is probably the most satisfying thing I’ve ever discovered, and I am not a young person. 

I know fanfic has a reputation for being amateurish and silly, or that people don’t take it seriously, and that’s fine. That’s probably because AO3 and other sites simply let every single person who wants to write what they want, and the pure volume of stuff from not so great to transcendent is hard for most people to sort through. But the pure fact that EVERYONE who wants to write is welcome to write, about ANY fandom or HC their heart desires, is part and parcel of why fanfic is so amazing in the first place. AO3 doesn’t discriminate. All are welcome, and that’s beautiful. 

Fanfic and AO3 have made me believe in my skill as a writer, and have included me in a massive, supportive, loving and exceedingly creative family of authors and readers that has made my life that much deeper and more fulfilling. I’ve learned so much about myself through writing and reading fic, and it brings me joy literally every single day. Especially in these scary and uncertain times, fic is a life raft for so many people. AO3 is literally keeping some people alive, by holding their heads above the waters of anxiety, depression and hopelessness. Can’t praise fanfic and AO3 (and other sites like Fanfiction.net) enough. Much love <3

[alegriaspain]

A Book in Bed, Ahhh…

“Let’s have a lie-in tomorrow morning. It’s Sunday,” says Maureen. But I’m an incorrigible early riser so yesterday morning I was up at 5:30, lighting a fire in the bedroom fireplace and looking for a book. The first one to come to hand was Richard Hugo’s Selected Poems. I read it quite a few years ago but I was ready to give it another go. Books don’t change, but we do. The best example of that phenomenon that I can recall is my experience with Arthur Miller’s 1952 play, The Crucible, set in the 17th-century Salem witch trials, but universal in scope. The Crucible was required reading when I was in college but it  made no impression on me. Then, when I was 30, I had to spend a month in bed with hepatitis. Toward the end of that time The Crucible was the only book left in the house that I hadn’t read. I was poleaxed by it. It’s one of the most intelligent and moving books, theater or otherwise, that I have ever read and my discovery that it was a commentary on McCarthyism only enhanced its value. It contains this line, for me, and in context, one of the most moving in literature:

Elizabeth, gently: “They press him, John.”

  Richard Hugo, the Personification of Bleakness

Maureen became friends with Richard Hugo in the mid-sixties when she was running a little hotel and restaurant in Nerja, a fishing village on the Mediterranean coast of Málaga province. The town was bucolic then and an eight-liter carafe of passable red wine cost less than a dollar. Barefoot children ruled the cobblestone streets. The village was ideally placed between the coastal mountains and the sea, with kilometers of beaches and 300 days of sunshine a year. Since then it has been devoured by industrial tourism. So it goes.

The poet was in his early 40’s during his three-month stay in Nerja. It was time enough for him to fall in love with a much-younger English girl. He bought her a ring. Her parents obliged her to return it. That was a typical Hugo ending. He was already a well-known American poet at the time and later went on to edit the Yale Younger Poets series, to have two of his books nominated for the National Book awards and to direct the creative writing program at the University of Montana.

A good poet can rearrange your chromosomes and Hugo is undeniably a good poet. But he’s a poet of constant sadness and unfulfilled lives. According to Maureen’s account Hugo fought in the Italian campaign during the Second World War. Several times while she was waiting to close the bar he recounted for her his grueling experiences in the 123-day siege of Monte Cassino where the Allies lost 55,000 troops. “He never looked up from his beer while he was telling the story,” she said. Could the origins of Hugo’s world view include a case of PTSD? Who knows. In any case, there’s very little glamorous Big Sky Country in his writings. What he perceives in Montana are its numbing cold and damp, its mining-town poverty and an irretrievable love affair. And he notes that there were people in Butte named “Grubski.”

Though Hugo grew up in Seattle and studied at the University of Washington he is more associated with Montana, perhaps the place he should have been born due to its unforgiving bleakness. You can’t grow many cash crops up there, but Hugo makes it look like a perfect place to cultivate despair.

Saved by the Contacts

I was on the verge of despair myself when a 4×6-inch sheet of glossy paper fell out of Hugo’s book. It was a sheet of what we used to call “contact proofs.” These were digital copies of black and white negatives and quite a bit smaller than standard 35mm contacts. So they were harder to read and for that perhaps more intriguing. So I got out the great magnifying glass that came with my condensed versión of the Oxford English Dictionary, 16 volumes shrunken down to two, still hard to read, even with that  magnifying glass. Judging from the age of our dog, Pachi, the pictures must have been taken in the mid-80’s, about 35 years ago. It was a different world then and we and our friends were still the same people, but younger. Everything has changed. The Spanish have a phrase for this: “Ha llovido.” “It has rained.”

The first three frames at the top left are images of the Gentle Young Poet (GYP), sitting at the base of the fig tree with Pachi lying placidly in the background. GYP had already won a national poetry prize by then and would go on to write many more books of poetry and to teach literatura at university level. One of his first collections of poems was entirely about his girlfriends anatomy, which he considered unique, as all young men do. Today he’s the director of one of Spain’s principal international cultural projects.

Next on this glossy little sheet of nostalgia come a few shots of my best friend (MBF) and his wife in bed with their newborn baby girl. She’s precious in the pictures, as all babies are, but as she grew up she began to show symptoms of instability such as screaming her way around the house, “Leave me alone.” Today she’s a perfectly normal Canadian engineer, married and with a family of her own. You never know. I first met MBF when he was 17. Someone told me there was an American teenager living in Málaga who was writing articles for an English-language magazine there. I went down to do a story on him for a General Motors magazine called American Youth. He was a delightful, precocious kid and we hit it off immediately. Written on the front of his guitar was a quote from a Spanish poet (Antonio Machado?). It said (my translation):  “Don’t identify yourself with the “you” of my song, friend. That “you” is me.”’American Youth paid $500 for the story, a small fortune in those days.

How Can I Be a Godfather?

When their second child, a boy, was born MBF asked me to be the godfather. I replied, “How can I be a godfather? I’m an atheist.” “That’s why we want you to be the godfather,” he said. So we drove the 130 kilometers down to the ceremony on a 250cc Ducati 24 Hours. It was the month of February and the thing I remember best from the whole experience of that day was getting off the bike every 20 or 30 km. and flapping our arms to restore our circulation. MBF was a saint of a father and a friend. He died of lung cáncer at the age of 45. A lot of people miss him. Many of them will tell you he was their best friend.

The next three frames are photos of the Young Painter Who Wanted to Be Famous (YPWWTBF). He was the youngest of a talented and idealistic group of people, most of whom belonged to the Cultural Cell of the Granada Communist Party. A lot of them were well on their way to fame, GYP among them, as writers or musicians and he, not a bad painter, half expected to be joining them soon. It never really happened but his consolation prize is a lot of famous friends.

Then come eight frames of our Great Dane, Pachi, the best dog we ever had. Why does he have more pictures than anybody else? Because he deserves them. He was big and beautiful, noble and as gentle as a lamb—except for one occasion when a rough English couple came down our entrance stairs shouting demands. Pachi accompanied Maureen out to see what the ruckus was, his right shoulder pressed against her left leg. The ingleses never made it to the bottom of the stairs because Pachi emitted a deep-throated growl that inspired them to turn around and scramble up the way they came. We never saw them again.

Tragic Poet, Girlfriend Two, Petite Bavarian Painter

Then three frames of Granada’s most talented poet since Federico García Lorca. Unfortunately he, the son of a prominent Granada doctor, drank and led a disorderly life and committed suicide at 35. Maureen had painted a near-life-size double portrait of him and his girlfriend at the time and given it to him as a gift. It was one of her best. One of his subsequent girlfriends—he had a few—shredded it with a knife in a fit of jealousy.

Next  comes a single headshot of Maureen, wearing her painter’s squint, and then three shots of the poet’s former girlfriend, the subject of the ill-fated portrait. She wasn’t beautiful in a conventional way but she had a head of pitch-black hair like a stork’s nest, and beautiful breasts. She was nude in the double portrait. Perhaps that’s what motivated Girlfriend Two’s destructive rage.

The next three frames are identical bracketed (one on, one over, one under) photos of the bronze monument to Mariana Pineda—Granada’s Betsy Ross—in the plaza named after her in a quiet corner of the city. Bracketing is what photographers do when the light is tricky or when they’re insecure or just too lazy to expose carefully.

The last three photos are of the Petite Bavarian Painter (PBP) sitting in the extravagant wicker chair that figures in the aforementioned portrait, looking like a miniature Polynesian princess. The PBP has lived in Granada for some years now, running a bed and breakfast in the Sacromonte Gypsy caves, and is one of our favorite people. Before that she lived in a Bavarian town south of Munich surrounded by delightful gasthauses in the countryside where they served sausages with wonderful potatoes simmered ever-so-slowly in farmhouse-fresh butter. And of course the beer, brewed according to the 1516 Reinheitsgebot rules, which permit only three ingredients: water, hops and malt.

We used to visit PBPand her Japanese mate almost annually during the 70’s and 80’s. PBP’s cooking—always the finest ingredients—was so good and occasionally her husband would prepare a Japanese meal. One time we stayed with them for two weeks. When they arrived in Granada to stay Maureen taught her etching.  Those were the years when I covered most of Europe for an American hotel guide. People always ask if that was an interesting job. Yes and no. The first time you see Belgrade and Skopje they’re interesting, but the fifth visit you start to get the feeling that you’ve been there before. Yugoslavia had its charms, though. The people were so refreshingly naive then. I asked the manager of a lovely little 40-room hotel on a lake if it was private or publicly owned. He looked at me pityingly and replied, “Public, of course. Nobody has enough money to own a hotel like this.” Also, I loved Ćevapčići and Yugoslave speeding tickets which, in those days, were like a dollar and a half. The war in Bosnia-Herzogovina changed everything there for me. Sarajevo used to be one of my favorite places. But I can never go back.

###

Thanks for commenting and sharing.

Sunday Morning, Old Book, Sheet of Contacts, Nostalgia A Book in Bed, Ahhh… “Let’s have a lie-in tomorrow morning. It’s Sunday,” says Maureen. But I’m an incorrigible early riser so yesterday morning I was up at 5:30, lighting a fire in the bedroom fireplace and looking for a book.

[ephemeraofthemind-blog]

On growing up partially deaf

It has only been quite recently that I have thought deeply about how my deafness has contributed to my personal development. I was moderately hard-of-hearing as a child and teenager, until I had an operation at 20 that greatly improved my hearing, but it is still far from perfect. What does that do to a person? I’ll tell you what it did to me.

I went to a normal school, I have never worn hearing aids, I have never learned sign language. As far as I am aware, growing up I never had friends in a similar situation. A cousin, yes (who, by the way, has an entirely different personality to mine!), but not close associates. And for me, this all seemed all right. Well, mostly. Deafness is isolating. I was always aware that when my friends were “mumbling” around me, they could understand and hear each other, they were building friendships, developing communication skills, and I was excluded from that. My role was to stand in the group and try to catch snippets of the conversation. But I quickly learned that, both at home and at school, if you can’t hear what is being said, you are in a very poor position to contribute your own ideas. At home I would try more, feeling more confident, but exchanged looks between my parents let me know that very often I was repeating things which had already been said. These types of things made me a quieter person, for sure.

With isolation comes introspection. Talking less gives you time to think more. I spend a lot of time pondering things over, thinking deeply. This has a positive on effect on study, and I have become something of a perfectionist when it comes to getting good grades. I remember an episode of the Simpsons when Lisa NEEDED to be graded and to get her ‘A’ fix…. I can relate! The perfectionism might also have to do with self-esteem issues… more of that in a minute.

A few years ago I asked a hearing friend of mine, who has learned sign language, what it is that she likes about deaf people. One thing she mentioned that stuck with me is that deaf people tend to be very humble. Of course, if you have no idea what the people around you are saying, you aren’t going to act like you know more than everyone else. You literally depend on them to amplify the details of what is happening around you. I went to see my ear doctor with my parents very regularly as a child (they were wonderful to take me so often, thinking back it must have been quite an inconvenience). After each and every one of our appointments, I remember asking “what did he say?”, I had understood very little, and needed confirmation of what i thought i had heard. Deafness also took away my ability to collaboratively make plans, I found that all i could do is ask what everyone else had decided and follow along. So yes, deafness creates humility, which I actually see as a positive thing. Humble people are more peaceable, more willing and able to see the other point of view. Perhaps people with an experience of deafness are more predisposed to be courteous and respectful.

Deafness, ironically, has probably made me a better listener. This seems to be a theme among people relating their deaf experiences. I make sure I have time to listen to whoever needs to talk, because I consider listening a privilege. And when I listen, I listen holistically. I don’t just listen to the words, but to all the other clues, since I grew up depending on those clues. Facial expressions, body language, tone, the context, even the timing of the conversation. I probably find lies easier to detect (although humbleness most of the time cancels out calling someone out on them!). I also experience a strong sense of empathy, the emotions of the speaker seem to reach my core, to the point that it can be hard to distinguish my feelings from theirs.

Try having a childhood where you can’t hear what the characters in cartoons are saying! It is excellent exercise for the imagination. I would watch T.V., making up stories in my head to go with the pictures. Of course, they would never make much sense because the script writers had a different idea for their story and would go off in a completely different direction! Nevertheless, it makes for a very rich and active inner world. This was reflected in the stories I wrote for school, I will have to post them when I get a chance. Watching T.V. this way, I got to practice lateral thinking, creative agility and even, I would say, developed a kind of resilience, optimism and adaptability for when things don’t go as expected. To the extent that I don’t even really expect things to go how I expect.

There is an enduring sense of not really belonging. When you are in a group and everyone speaks to each other but you are excluded, you don’t feel like you truly belong in that group. This extends to other things in what I think is a positive way. If you don’t fully belong to a group, you are less susceptible to any kind of “tribalism”, and perhaps then less likely to base your view of people on stereotypes. This opens the way to wonderful experiences, being more open to befriend people from different backgrounds. Also, if you are already used to being different to the people around you, it is less scary to do such things as live abroad (I do), and take a stand for what you think is right, rather than be governed by peer pressure. But it can also be a little saddening, when, for example, your fellow countrymen don’t realise you are from the same place because of the effect deafness has had on your accent!

I have a wonderful friend, who got married this summer. One ‘velada’ as they say in Spanish (night-time-gathering-chat) during her wedding weekend, we were speaking about when we met with some friends of hers that I hadn’t met before. She and I met when we lived together, volunteering to teach English in a school when we were 19. I always enjoyed her company, but she relates that she disliked me at first. Because often, if she said something to me, I would either ignore her, or just look at her. Until one day, feeling angry, she asked me “are you deaf?” And I told her that I was, a bit, and from then she would be sure to tap my shoulder or something to get my attention before she started speaking to me. After that the friendship was not so one-sided!

The thing is, when you are hard-of-hearing, you don’t really necessarily understand what effect that can have on others. I didn’t mention my hearing before she asked about it, because, firstly, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and secondly, because I just didn’t realise how important it was to let friends know this. When poor hearing is all you know, you don’t know what you are missing. You don’t know you are rudely ignoring someone if you don’t hear them. Knock-on effect: people think you are rude, so they don’t like you, they don’t seek friendship with you. Knock-on effect: you sense this, but don’t understand that they think you are being rude. Knock-on effect: you think there must be something pretty fundamentally wrong with you because, as nice as you try to be, people aren’t interested in being your friend. Knock-on effect: low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can then negatively affect your ability to make wise decisions. To think of my most extreme example (and speaking now as frankly as I dare on a public platform), if there is a person who does choose to show you affection for a while, you might feel a need to cling to them, and even do things to keep their attention that you really rather wouldn’t do. This may be true even if you do have a loving family, and a few good friends. However, even though low self-esteem has caused me to make some questionable choices, in my case I believe it is now better balanced with the self-awareness deep thought brings. I might still struggle from time to time with feelings of worthlessness, feeling that I am no good, that little voice in my head that tells me people don't really like me but are just being nice has never completely gone away; but, I am managing my unhealthy mental habits, I am getting there.

On the flip-side, I believe that true friends that do know you are somewhat deaf will be understanding, protective, and make an extra effort to look out for you, which adds sweetness to life.

As I mentioned at the outset, my hearing today is better than it was. But I still cannot hear anybody who whispers to me! Reflecting on things and writing this though, I see that the best way to deal with this is just to tell them I can’t hear them. Plain and simple. Writing is a healing, no? I still find it hard to work out which direction sounds are coming from… which can be infuriating if I ask my husband to call my phone so I can find it! Not as helpful as you might think! It works best in the dark. Speaking of the dark, the lack of directional hearing makes nighttime sounds unsettling, as I often cannot work out if a sound is coming from inside or outside the house. I tend to try and ignore them. In terms of non-hearing ear problems, occasionally my ear has bad days when it just drains my energy, almost as if my ear is an energy tap and somebody has left it running, and I just have to lie down for a while. Thankfully though this is happening less and less frequently.

So, I will wrap up here. The takeaway is that deafness can have both positive and negative effects. I feel I have, at 32, just about passably caught up in terms of conversation skills (mind you, living the last 11 years in a Spanish speaking country may have slowed me down a bit!). I probably would have benefitted as a child and teenager from a little more guidance about how to navigate the world with poor hearing. I have only lived my life, and obviously can’t be sure what I would be like today if i had grown up with fully functional hearing. But I like myself, most of the time (!), and deafness has helped to make me me. What is there to do, but to embrace it.