#i noticed that no one talked abt the unit stories in this kind of way so i kinda did it myself lol

[caramelmochacrow]

hi hello i just finished reading all the unit stories today and yesterday :)

i have 48 chapters (not counting CoA's) left of the second story to read yaaaaaaaaaaay

i read rondo's unit story first from beginning to end but realized how long it would take so i just read the first ten for the other units then i went back to the others and finished them

(im just gonna ramble abt rondo, merm4id and peaky here and it's long a shit especially for peaky so tis under the cut)

rondo's made me feel lots of things and them trusting and believing that nagisa will come back is sooo everything to me and that hurts even more knowing what flor seca is abt.

it sounds like aoi hiiro and tsubaki made that song to reach out to nagisa to tell her that they miss her and want her back.

and that kinda makes me tear up lol

rondo is nothing without all four of them so how should they move on now? do they quit and disband like garland or do they continue on without one of the pillars that make up rondo?

the thing with calendula's curse is really interesting, is it real or fake? and the person to decide is nagisa.

nagisa being the one to break the curse makes sense. koyomi is the opposite of nagisa, she believed that she wasnt an amazing guitarist and calendula changed how she saw herself, she become dependent on calendula to the point that she became obsessed with it.

but nagisa always knew that she was good, she knew that because of calendula, she makes calendula have a unique sound and unlike any other guitar. she knows that a guitarist is good by their skill, not their guitar and that made her not fall into the curse.

im not going to talk abt that anymore cause i might cry and only talk abt rondo so its time for merm4id!!!

them trying to become closer and become a better unit by going around japan is very merm4id!

saori probably being the only member that knows how to drive is such a funny thought

also when saori accidentally broke her stage costume and said that people might think that "this isn't MY merm4id!" and start disliking them over their new outfits was sad.

she cares a lot abt the fans in a good way and in a bad way. she cares abt how they see merm4id and their opinions abt them and she's afraid of changing that.

but like dalia said in the story (paraphrased) it doesn't matter if merm4id just changes their look, if this is how merm4id looks now then that's how merm4id looks now, the fans can't change or decide that. and that is just. wow.

also. like. i got to know more abt saki a little bit!

when they mentioned hokkaido i just knew something involving saki will happen and i was very glad to find out it was true!

it's so sweet that her mentor kept the cat plushie! like. ughhghghghgh gghhhhfkihg

idk how to word my other thoughts abt it but they got so close to the point that it was difficult for them to spend time alone without the others is something. something meaning it's gay. it sounds gay.

onto the peaky gals!

so peaky's was quite interesting to me bc i got to learn more abt michiru and they way shinobu thought of herself

shinobu was always confident in her mixes and songs. she never had second thoughts until she saw toka and mana perform together and outshone peaky

she started doubting herself and her music, wondering if it was good enough to be on par and be better than toka's.

then she didnt join (or lost) the remicon, ruining her record.

to michiru of all people.

michiru -- like what her uncle has been saying all this time -- is an amazing dj.

she has a lot of potential, but she has too much of an ego to work with other people and she doesn't have confidence in herself and her music like how shinobu does.

she gets shaken up easily, she runs away, and she changes things up to appeal to her audience to the point that her own style is barely present.

comparing her to shinobu, their differences are clear.

shinobu doesn't get shaken up, she doesn't run away, and she doesn't change things to appeal to an audience to the point that her style is barely apparent.

until she saw toka perform.

when she was working on their new song it sounded a lot like toka's style of track making with her style barely there (like when she first started out she just copied whatever her grandpa did bc she didn't know if it was good enough at the time) and whenever they performed shinobu had second thoughts and changed their set list last minute.

but unlike michiru, shinobu had peaky to back her up and help her out with her slumps and mistakes.

like how shinobu messed up her new last minute set list mid-performance because she thought it was terrible and yuka covered it up by showing off a video she made of their performance in d4fes(?)

when they were adjusting the said song, they managed to finish that thanks to esora and yuka's help w the lyrics.

but, even if michiru joins or makes a unit, she doesn't know how to lead or act w them, and that's clear with that yuki sakura girl's unit and the dj musketeers.

with the dj musketeers she had to learn how to lead by herself there, but couldn't. she's good by herself yes, that's true, but she needed to learn how hard it is to be a leader and her uncle and shinobu's grandpa made her learn that the hard way.

in the yuki sakura unit, michiru is treated as some dj, not as this great and amazing dj that she thought she was bc yuki thought that all of them were amazing and of equal skill so why should she get special treatment if they are all the same?

in there she had to learn how to work with people, and how she must understand that everything isn't about her, but that stings her and started performing sloppily.

adding that and how she thinks that shinobu is amazing and how she'll never amount to her skills, it breaks her.

michiru is a reflection of what shinobu would've been if she didn't turn down kyoko's request to form peaky.

[bellshazes]

dreaming up a syllabus for an imaginary course on metanarratives about gameplay, which i think would go something like:

unit 1: who do you think you are i am - auto-documentary & games

Vlogs and the Hyperreal, Folding Ideas

The Slow Death of Let's Play Videos, Meraki (to ~10:00)

World Record Progression: Mike Tyson, Summoning Salt

ROBLOX_OOF.mp3, hbomberguy

Life as a Bokoblin: A Zelda Nature Documentary, Monster Maze

optional: Braindump on the History of Let's Plays, slowbeef

unit 2: what like it's hard? - intro to challenge narratives

Chapter 26: Games as Narrative Play: Two Structures for Narrative Play, Rules of Play

A different kind of challenge run: Minimalist 100% (BOTW), Wolf Link

Surviving 100 Days on Just Dirt, Mogswamp

Can You Beat DARK SOULS III with Only Firebombs, the Backlogs

Is it Possible to Beat Super Mario 3D World while permanently crouching?, Ceave Gaming

The Pacifist Challenge - Beating Hollow Knight Without Collecting Soul [CHALLENGE] - Sample

optional: How to 100% Snowpeak Ruins in under 15 minutes, bewildebeest

unit 3: nelly you don't understand, i AM the narrative - form and function

The Future of Writing about Games, Jacob Geller

Can You Beat GRIME Without Weapons?, the Backlogs

Mushroom Kingdom Championships, Ceave Gaming

My Life as a Barber in Hitman 2, MinMax (Leo Vader)

MyHouse.WAD - Inside Doom's Most Terrifying Mod, PowerPak

optional: Mega Microvideos, Matthewmatosis

the theme and structure is mostly intended to introduce at least one critical or historically contextual work followed by examples of the type of narrative in question.

in unit 1, this is the idea of "How do people talk about their own experiences in the context of YouTube and playing video games?" across three rather different kinds of documentaries. unit 2 is intended to take that lens of who is telling what tale and dial in on challenge running, where i first noticed the way some videos turn the story of overcoming a challenge into its own narrative that is distinct from but related to the narrative events of the game itself. unit 3 circles back to the bigger picture with a variety of examples that, to me, are maximally metanarrative, the emergent story of the player-narrator now functionally replacing the game's embedded narrative.

bonus unit: broken narratives

Glitch & the Grotesque at the MLA, Sylvia Korman

Watching time loop movies to escape my time loop, Leo Vader

The Stanley Parable, Dark Souls, and Intended Play, Folding Ideas

Breaking Madden, Jon Bois

The TRUTH about the Pizzaplex in FNAF: Security Breach, AstralSpiff

this one is highly underdeveloped, but i'd love to work out something more robust building on randomizer challenges that produce intentionally bizarre, semi-ironic "lore," and bois-esque endeavors to break games so hard the story itself crumbles. but that's really out of scope so i'm just including the links to things i couldn't bear to get rid of. more rambling abt the challenge runs I chose under the cut.

Challenge runs represent one of the most obvious places to start, due to being extremely plentiful and having a hook that makes a "here's how I did X thing in Y video game" format almost unavoidable. Minimalist 100% is an underrated and sweet straightforward example that I mostly include as a baseline for reporting-out style narrative; here are the facts, here's what happened, this is the thing that it is. Mogswamp's 100 Days on Just Dirt is similar in style, but the physical measuring of days is a delightful and, more importantly, external narrative device.

Now oriented, we get a taste of Ceave Gaming's narrative approach to Mario challenges with the no-crouching run, and while we still aren't at the degree of player-characters being constructed for the narrative's sake, the spirited belief in crouching sets the stage for other rhetoric in more extreme cases we'll see later.

The Backlogs' entire body of work qualifies here, but GRIME is the strongest inspiration for putting this list together. I include the DS3 firebombs run because what was initially a factual description of how his wife's use of firebombs inspired him to play differently in the original DS1 firebombs run has developed into full-blown multi-game narrative arc with the Firebomb Goddess (his wife, who also voices the character) compelling his in-game character to achieve his destined quest. Grime takes that even further,

In-Game Documentaries

I include Life as a Bokoblin mostly as a contrast to My Life as a Barber - there is a level of fictionalization and roleplay involved in the Zelda in-game documentary that highlights exactly what I want to single out when I am talking about metanarrative, the story about a story.

[indigosprite]

so who is Tsunas mist Guardian 🧐

Okay controversial anon (I’m on mobile and literally cannot make this keep reading)

The manga is so split abt it and I think I’ve found a way to explain how I make sense of it ?

Initially when they go to gather the guardians it’s Mukuro possessing chrome that Imetsu goes to and he knows who he is talking to. They make a deal and from then on Mukuro is meant to fulfill this role however the fuck he wants bc Imeitsu knows he’s in prison but this possession thing is working.

Reborn is another story. He has such an obvious distain for Mukuro during the battle for the ring so I personally think Reborn wants Tsuna to go with Chrome not Mukuro but he also knows that they are at the moment one person. He sees the same thing Mukuro sees in her and I think he wants her to leave him and join them but he goes about it in the only way he can which is subtly trying to get Tsuna to accept her by continuously giving his stamp of approval. The only kind of small riff with this is that he notices that for whatever reason Tsuna likes Mukuro and continues to sympathize with him and sees him as a guardian/Ally and like any smart person Reborn advises against that. Tries to kill any empathy Tsuna has for the other but it never works.

He somewhat warms up to Mukuro later maybe because of his actions in the future. Mainly talking about when mukuros an owl and daemon has made an appearance. Reborn imo is acting way more civil abt mukuros existence. I think this is the point where he’s like okay maybe he’s kind of needed here but Chrome is still my candidate. He wants her to surpass him so a good tenth gen he believes in can come together. I think this is why he keeps saying things like she’s strong and she can win against Mukuro if we give her confidence because ultimately he wants to train her to get to that point. (I think somewhere in here he realizes mukuros training is the only thing that will get her to that point which is more annoying). He reinforces this belief when he chooses her to fight with them during the rep battles assembling his mini version of the Gaurdians while verde picks mukuro who would never fight for reborn. Ultimately reborn wants people in the family that would do stuff for that like him. Which makes sense. Not bc he wants followers but bc he wants ppl he respects and would have the same values as him. Mukuro hates the mafia and reborn finds that and his actions disgusting despite knowing his reason why. Chrome is just his good parts and he rather that any day.

Tsuna is what Ties it all together bc much to Reborns dismay he cares for them both. He sees them as his guardian. But I think chrome gets the short end of this because he still thinks of them as one person and that just means can you get Mukuro here? Instead of the qualities she brings as the mist He sees Mukuro and on a certain level understands him and that part of him that’s the same wants this man on his side. In canon he really doesn’t see chrome as any kind of assets just someone mixed in to things because of Mukuro. Reborn tries to change that by telling him chrome is talented and I think it legit doesn’t work bc up until last arc he’s saying shit like this even when Mukuro tells him

I think Tsuna accepts both the original guardian and the guardian reborn wants for him bc he has no reason not to. Those two started out needing each other and will forever be a unit outside of the Vongola. I think although he will definitely utilize the more feral one for Vongola purposes chrome is also someone who he can reason with , they’re both guardian bait. If chrome wants to help Tsuna Mukuro will definitely show up if she’s in danger. If Chrome knows the Vongolas are in danger and Mukuro might want em alive she would step up and do what she can for his sake.It’s the only way to get the two in one deal he started off with.

Mukuro is the fire power he wants with an agenda similar to his

Chrome is the illusionist team player he needs.

In one body they were both , in two it was a shit show for a while. But them becoming friends again gave him the mist guardian back.

Also random things that didn’t fit but help me to understand :

Whenever I see this topic ppl talk about the ring and who it was given to a lot and cervello saying her name at the end of the battle and I personally find that kinda stupid as a chrome argument bc ...they literally only gave it to her because Mukuro was not accessible/ she was him. Chromes whole current existence is tied to Mukuro, Her name is literally his. she’s just an avatar of him. if he wasn’t there she would be dead and also the Vongola would have no mist guardian because Mukuro couldn’t be here. But again the missing factor is Mukuro himself. (Also it’s in his possession the second he gets out of prison and not shared with her at all for the final arc.so if possession is the defining factor that leaves her with nothing and that’s kinda dumb when she’s more complex than that) she was made a separate person but overall they’re written as one. literally chrome is just Mukuro with .2 chapters of a separate character arc so the whole thing is stupid to me 😭. She was written to help Mukuro fulfill his roles in life as both gang leader and Mist Gaurdian. He gets out and no longer needs help as a leader but he will always need her help as a Gaurdian bc god knows he’s not showing up to help Tsuna out every time he asks. But with Chrome around he just might actually do it. It’s always taken them both but someday chrome will be Nagi again and Mukuro will me mature enough to not try and kill Tsuna for past grievances.

[mariesocuniverse]

Relationships: WayV

MaeKun

if it werent for the the laws of ncity he wouldve asked her to join wayv and stay in their dorms

Since they don’t live together or are part of the same unit they don’t really spend a lot of time together but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t want to be with Mae

Large parent/protective older brother energy

not as protective as 127 hyungs but you know

Yeah she’s a menace when she teams up with other WayV members but she doesn’t clown him as much as they do it’s cause she saves that energy for doyoung lmao

mae claims she visits the wayv dorm for him but he’s 50% sure she’s just there for the animals

the other 50% is because she wants him to cook for her which he does even if she doesnt ask

hes like those parents who insist on giving you leftovers to bring home to your family

he taught her to do magic tricks bc she was insistent on wanting to learn at least one

okay but honestly she thinks he really cool despite all the clowning she does to him

like singing? dancing? cooking? visual? magic? and he can fly a plane????

one of the reasons she has high standards ngl

MaeTen

ten has unofficially adopted her whether people like it or not

he has fought with taeyong and doyoung about it she is his baby

if mark and johnny are his brothers, mae is basically his younger sister

if you look at his photo gallery he has a folder dedicated to mae and mae only

any photo or video of them together is basically ten clinging to her like a koala

he looks at her like she put all the stars in the sky but the same goes for mae

she has admitted in an interview that ten is one of her role models because of his talent and work ethic

whenever she needs help with dancing he’s one of the first people she asks

xiaojun once asked him who’s his favorite between yangyang and mae and you could see him malfunction for like six seconds before jokingly scolding him

“yah how could you ask me that type of question?”

fun fact! ten was the person she asked to go with her when she got her first tattoo!

he arranged the appointment at the place where he got his and held her hand when she was getting it

Lowkey considered getting matching tattoos but never really took the time to think of what tattoos they’d get

MaeWin

another top ship among czennies

these two are so soft for each other omg

just one glance at the two and you’re already melting

You can see Yuta screaming about MaeWin whenever the group is together and they’re interacting

And if you can’t see it you’ll probably hear it

MaeWin: casually talking

Yuta: is this what heaven looks like

MaeWinMark is just yuta’s weakness and he doesn’t even bother to hide it

Okay back to MaeWin before I get ahead of myself and make an entire post about Yuta and MaeWinMark

If they’re gathered in a large group their interactions aren’t really noticeable unless you’re actively looking for it

While the others are talking you can just see Mae playing with his hands or winwin giving her a soft smile while patting her head

They talk more when they’re either in a small group or just the two of them

MaeWin shippers were devastated when they got separated so when nct 2020 happened they went feral

Every once in a while they go out for hotpot and talk about what has been going on

LuMae

this man right here

they first met when she was visiting NCT U dance practice for BOSS with food and she heard him from the hallway

its one of the reasons why she wasn’t intimidated by him even though hes a giant

she was excited to see what kind of energy and personality he would bring to nct

and she was not disappointed at all

personal hype man

whenever they’re on a variety show together and mae is asked to do something he just yells “FIGHT HAEYADWAE”

of course the same goes for mae but less loud bc last time she kept yelling she lost her voice and couldnt talk for the rest of the show

He just has this energy where if he’s hyped up about something she feels energized to be hyped up well so you just hear the both of them cheering loudly

its always interesting to see because you just see a gentle giant cheering loudly with this smol girl next to him trying to match his energy

he always makes sure she’s comfortable when they’re at a schedule

like we know how he’s really silly on camera but he’s also very observant and caring

one time mae complained about how her feet hurt from the heels she was wearing so he just picked her up bridal style and walked to the van without a word

XiaoMae

They’ve heard abt each other from Kun and ten and greeted each other when they passed by each other in the halls but they never really had a chance to grow close until nct 2020 happened

Mae wasn’t in the Make a Wish unit so there weren’t a lot of chances to get to know each other while promoting either but it doesn’t mean they’re not friends

ten also hogs her attention when she visits the wayv dorms but we dont talk about that

these two arent as close as the others but not to the point where they actively avoid each other

whenever they’re together they just vibe

theres no awkward silence or small talk they just talk about random stuff

“no lucas, i dont hate xiaojun hyung we just dont hang out as often as we do”

“yes hendery we do have each other’s numbers we just don’t talk often”

WayV is lowkey tempted to lock the two of them in a practice room together and do a vlive to see what’ll happen

prime candidates for “It’s Awkward but It’s Okay”

their dynamic is kinda DoRen where they pretend to be awkward around each other as a joke

like they went out together once and everyone as excited bc omg they were interacting

XiaoMae shippers are starved for content and will accept any crumbs that come their way

HenMae

the duo people didnt know they needed until they met

its not like people didnt want them to become friends its just that theyre energies match well

these two are such a vibe

you know how there are ppl who don’t see for long periods of times but you still want tackle them in a hug whenever you meet? yeah its like that

kun sometimes wants to separate the two bc of how much chaos they cause together

they’re the duo where they think something is a good idea at the time but ends up as something bad at the end

kun has banned the two from the kitchen bc of a fire they started

HenMae shippers are thriving because of all the stories of the dumb shit they’ve done

lowkey considered doing a series together on nct daily but then the channel stopped uploading vids so it was never mentioned again

one time he was on call with his sister when she walked in and accidentally mistook her as his gf and now they jokingly have each other as bf and gf in their phone contacts

ten nearly had a heart attack when he saw the contact name pop up and mae picked up the call

 yangyang has the whole thing recorded on his phone and refuses to delete it

MaeYang

(A/N everytime i see this gif i need a moment to pause and try and remember my ideas cause my head goes empty when it comes to yangyang)

okay if HenMae are chaotic, MaeYang are worse

kun doesnt need to dye his hair gray bc of all the stress these two cause him

czennies thought they didnt interact much bc of different schedules and groups but once nct world happened they changed their minds

MaeYang slowly climbing up the ranks of nct ships

during one of his lives yangyang mentioned how he spoke a lot with mae and that she wanted to add him to the 00liner gc

czennies lost it that day bc 1) holy shit theres a 00liners gc and 2) why tf hasnt yangyang been added into it yet

insists that she calls him oppa/hyung even though theres only a one month difference between them

Mae and Yangyang: whispering in the corner of the room

kun: theyre either talking shit about someone or world domination and i cant tell whats worse

he tried teaching her some german once and she now knows like three sentences

“Hallo, Ich bin Mae. Was geht ab? Mir geht’s gut.” (A/N this is the outcome of my three years of german lessons everyone)

and basically all the swear words but we dont need to talk about that

haechan jokes that he’s stealing mae away from the dreamies so he wont be the maknae in wayv 

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[secret-rendezvous1d]

what about spencer having the BIGGEST crush on you but he has never said anything abt it so he just wants to be near you all the time. one day he overhears a conversation between u and penelope talking about a guy so immediately he thinks its a guy that you’re talking to (when it’s not) and things go on from there

Oh, stop-

YN gets to a point where she can’t take it any longer; she needs to tell someone the goings on in her mind.

She’s been at the unit for less then three months and everyone had welcomed her so politely and so warmly and they invited her in like she had been there for years, sharing inside jokes with certain members of the team and holding a spot in the team that no one could fill if she wasn’t there due to illness or holiday. It was a hole that was massive to fill, shoes too big, a void that hung heavy when she wasn’t around. She had her moments with each member of the team, she had already made personal memories that she would cherish forever and she had bonds stronger to some than others... or to one other person, if she had to tell the honest truth.

Spencer.

From the very first day on the job and as soon as she stepped foot off the jet for the first time for her first case as an agent, she was plunged into an order with Spencer. He made it his priority to show her the ropes; what they did when they were travelling to a scene, what to expect when they arrived at a crime scene, what they spoke about with the victim’s families and how the dealt the grief that they felt when a case was taken to heart and he made sure to tell her that if she needed to take a break then it was more than okay to hide away and shed a few tears before coming back with a clearer mind. She remembered that so clearly and so vividly; it was their first conversation, apart from their brief exchanges of ‘hello’ and ‘good morning’ when they arrived at the unit and saw one another before the day began, and and it was a conversation that started off and helped blossom their friendship. From then, they were almost inseparable at the office and they worked best when they were put on an order together... the ‘dream team’ was the name they were given by the unit and it stuck so perfectly that it ended up becoming personal and meaningful.

YN just never expects to gain feelings from it... 

So what was she supposed to do when she was three months into a job, three months into a friendship she felt so grateful for and three months into a chapter in her life which was something so incredible to her that she feared losing it over something as minor as falling for a colleague? A friend? What did she do?

Garcia seemed to be her only option. 

A sisterly figure who always seemed to be so chipper, so bright and spritely, so sweet and kind and caring and YN felt like she could share anything and almost everything with her without worrying she was going to spread it around the office as cheap gossip that she thought should be shared. A figure she adored from the moment she met, from the moment they shared their hobbies and from the moment she offered YN a pen holder that was eccentrically designed with paper clips and pom-poms and pipe-cleaners that were glittery and brightly coloured.

With an extra coffee in the cardboard holder and a warmed croissant in a paper bag that had Garcia’s name written in scrawny handwriting, she knocks on the door and enters at the permission she was given.

“Good morning, sugar plum. How may I assist you today?”

YN grins as she leans against the table beside Penelope and passes a coffee to her, which she gratefully accepts and takes a rather heart sip and lets the warm liquid trickle down her throat, a groan of pleasure filling the room.

“You know me all too well,” she smiles and squeezes YN’s hand, “what’s the matter though? You don’t normally bring me coffee or a croissant so what can I help you with?”

“I need your help, Garcia.”

“With what? Come on, fill me in.”

YN shyly giggles and looks at her feet, the support of the table holding her securely enough that she could lean on the heels of her shoes, her thumbs picking at her nails nervously. The tingling in her stomach made her feel sick; was she really about to admit a secret she had been dreading to say aloud? For some reason, she felt like if she said it aloud then everything became real and having it become real was something she hadn’t necessarily thought about.

“So, I, uh-” she coughs nervously and takes a glance at Garcia, “I think I’ve developed some feelings for someone I just met and, and I guess I’m little nervous about it because this is the first guy I’ve actually really liked but there are things holding us back and I think it’s against the rules to even go on a date with him.”

“Against the rules? Have you never read Romeo and Juliet?”

“It’s not so easy,” YN sighs, “I don’t think he likes me anyway so it’s not really a Romeo and Juliet love story. I’m pining after someone who doesn’t like me back in that way.”

Garcia reaches over and squeezes her hand.

What neither of them notice is the movement of Spencer appearing in the doorway of the office, feeling a little intrusive as he hid himself around the corner yet still at a distance where he could hear when the conversation came to its end. A conversation he didn’t really want to listen to because it tore him to bits on the inside. His heart almost torn to shreds because the girl he liked... the only girl he had ever felt close to, who he felt a connection with, only saw him as a friend and a friend only when he saw her as something so much more than that. A reason to wake up and get to work early, a reason to find the best result in a case, a reason to smile and laugh and joke because life was for living and he felt like he hadn’t done much of that in his solo reign. 

“Garcia, he’s driving me mad. Like, the good kind of mad. It’s the kind of mad where I’m thinking about him constantly, I’m imagining what it’s like to be with him in certain situations like when I’m cooking breakfast or making dinner or watching some television,” she sighs and even though her shoulders dip down, she feels a huge weight lifted from her shoulders, “heck, I even think about them when I’m you know what-ing, Garcia. That’s not healthy, is it?”

“I’m no profiler, sweet-cheeks, but I think you’re in a little too deep for this guy. He’s lucky. You should go for it with him, don’t hold back on what you feel on the inside,” she softly pokes a fingertip into YN’s chest, “your heart tells you a lot and if thats how you’re feeling towards him then ask him out. Be that big and bold girl I know you are.”

“You think so?”

Spencer desperately wants to hear Garcia deny everything that she had said before; don’t encourage her to date some idiot who didn’t know about a neat thing called respect when she could have someone who treated her perfectly, he thought to himself, someone who was standing under her nose and praying she saw him like he saw her.

“Absolutely, YN. And you have to bring him to meet me and the rest of the team as soon as possible, okay? I want to know all about the guy who stole your heart and turned you all soft and happy,” Garcia smiles.

If only she knew that she’d already met him, YN thought. xx

[angeltrapz]

OK we’ve both touched on it but yr post reminded me, wld LOVE 2 hear more on ur thoughts re: a Rigg&Gibson&Perez friendship squad !!!

YEAHHH god I love them!!! Three people with the biggest hearts and strong moral compasses who want to help the people... these three would get along so well I know this in my heart.

I like to imagine them as the kind of friends that all congregate in someone's apartment every Friday night and they just chill together and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes Kerry is there because I like to think about her as Perez's gf, which is a whole other layer of comfort + fun bc Rigg is super close to her too!! Those nights are kinda like. Double date nights without going out. Whether Kerry is there or not, though, the main thing is its just a way to relax around ppl you're comfortable around + care about.

Another thing I think about is that I think Perez + Gibson probably have similar senses of humour? I can't explain why I feel this so strongly I just do. Not quiiite to Gibson + Brit levels, but just about - sometimes they drive Rigg nuts w how snarky they can be with each other. He loves them both so much though and he knows its all jokes so he's mostly just fond about it lmao. If Gibson catches his eye its just heart eyes the whole time,, Perez notices this too + she thinks it's adorable. I love them!!!

And ohhh can you imagine them as a trio of vigilantes though. People who have been drawn into the Jigsaw case whether they wanted to be or not (and they definitely didn't want to) and lost so much because of it. Perez lost Strahm. Rigg & Gibson, though not in the same way, lost Hoffman. There's so much potential there and honestly? I think all three of them deserve to go ape shit on someone's ass (preferably Hoffman or even John, though obviously that's not. An option). I think the three of them working together could definitely organize something, and I think that they'd work together well as a unit. I've been thinking abt that one a lot actually bc of our Strahm/Adam discussions <3

I like to think that Gibson and Perez (+ Kerry as, ideally, she would still be around) try to help Rigg while he's going through it in IV... Gibson would be too technically but. He knows how hard it's all hitting Rigg because it's hitting him too. At that point they wouldn't know Hoffman was an apprentice yet so like the reveal that he's a part of Rigg's test? With Eric? There would be so many conflicting emotions but ultimately neither of them want Hoffman to be hurt like that.

Branching off of this, at the end of everything when Art yanks Eric off of that ice block and Hoffman turns out to be fucking Fine, that's kind of when Rigg realizes what's happening and it's like. He loved this man. He really really did. And he had a hand in what was done to him, to ERIC, to countless other people and I think Hoffman lets them (Rigg, Eric, + Art) fuck off as we've discussed b4. He can't look Rigg in the eye but he tells him to go. He passed. They all did. They won, so they can leave.

He and Gibson are messes for a while, for more than that reason alone, naturally. Kerry + Perez are there for them every step of the way bc holy shit. Things could have gone so so wrong and they almost did. They kept Eric captive for six months. Rigg had to do things that are going to haunt him, regardless of if it was for his safety. Perez got a face full of shrapnel and genuinely thought that was going to be it for her. These people could have been torn apart in the worst way possible and now that they haven't, they have to deal with the fallout.

In turn, I think Rigg and Gibson are there for Perez when Strahm is injured in the water cube trap + later killed (though I suppose it depends on how you want that to go, i.e. whether Strahm also survives or not) and they help her to cope with being made not to inform one of her Best Friends of her survival bc I hc them to be VERY close. It would kill her not to be allowed to tell Strahm she was relatively alright. Gibson + Rigg (+ Kerry, of course) are there to reassure her and keep her updated on his condition.

If this is a scenario in which this happens, they're also right at her side when Hoffman tries to string others along into believing Strahm is the Jigsaw accomplice (knowing Strahm already has to be dead, which is just Devastating for Perez) because they know it's not him. They have undeniable proof that it isn't him. The three of them cannot be ignored by Erickson when they all have the same story. Can you imagine the three of them being the ones to take Hoffman out then and there? They make sure they have backup before they even lead him down to that room with Sachi + decode the Seth Baxter tape. No one dies in that room except the persona that Hoffman has built. It ends there in that room - at least, on Hoffman's side of things.

Basically I think it would be good for all three of them to have friends like that!!

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 9

back at it again, and its time for the shadowplay arc, HELL yeah

oh I'm so excited i love this arc lets DO this

oooh its nightbeat and quark!! way before they become relevant, which is so cool

‘one of those recepticon fanatics’ lmao imagine if they were...the recepticons. just doesn't have the same ring to it 

god i fucking love all the politics of mtmte. i love how they’re talking about the senate here before we really get to See how bad they were (we heard a bit about it from whirl a few issues ago, and now here)

love how nightbeat is pretty much agreeing with the decepticon ideology here, even if its clear that he isn't Actually a decepticon - it just drives home the fact that, in this story, The Decepticons Were Right About A Lot Of That Stuff (or at least, they had a reason other than ‘destruction’ for rebelling). 

AND THEN THERES RUNG!!!!!!! WITH HIS MODEL OF THE LOST LIGHT....god i fuckgin LOVE the continuity in this story bc the first time reading this ur like oh ok rung is old yea makes sense...but then later all the time travel stuff happens and then its like OHHHHH 

damn poor rung nightbeat can rlly tell he's lonely just by looking at him vbhjdkdfhbjsjkdf geez. also nightbeat that's ur mystery stick bf from the future js!!

quarks extreme POV on all of the stuff is so interesting, and makes so much sense bc of Course he would think that as a non-combatant scientist who, due to his functional value in current society, wouldn't really benefit much from a revolution - in fact, he’d probably lose a lot. and that’s the sort of thing where you’re like, ok well think about everyone else dude, have some perspective - but at the same time, quark did suffer a pretty terrible fate, so his fears weren't entirely unfounded...augh, its so fascinating...im sorry I'm not gonna shut up about space robot politics this Entire time

HOW did nobody notice that dead body before now

ratchet spray-painting the hands he stole from pharma to match his own paintjob is like...kinda gruesome if you think about it hvbhsjkdfbkjdf

i love rewind sooo much oh my god 

he rlly stashed rung’s comatose body in a wheelchair behind the bar hbkjdhfbshjkdf rewind 

rewind and chromedome’s tag-team explanation....ough hhhhh THEM 

wait a sec, rewind, you have medical records in your database? that is, at least according to regular medical laws, very illegal lmao. my favorite long-running theme in mtmte: the fact that hipaa and osha laws on cybertron are either basically nonexistent, or just universally disregarded 

what the actual fuck is up w/cybertronian time units. that shit is wack as hell 

ooh i love how chromedome looks different in the flashback - no shoulder tires! - that's a cool detail

how come prowl just said ‘minute,’ rewind was busting it up w/all the wack ass fantasy time units just a second ago. geez

also goddd i love the scenery of pre-war cybertron, its SUCH a cool setting like, visually and aesthetically and politically

like, i adore details like the sign in the bg that says ‘everyone’s shape serves a purpose.’ really adds to the ‘society on the precipice of civil war currently controlled by an increasingly-desperate faction who are doling out propaganda like crazy in an attempt to maintain their image and control over the populace’ vibe

good ole murder mystery setup. love it!

pre-war prowl is such an interesting character. actually prowl in general is such an interesting character...I kinda wrote him off during my first read of mtmte (and even a little during my second readthru) as just this dude who’s an asshole (espec bc my prev tf experience involved watching tfa as a kid, and this prowl is very different from tfa prowl lol)...but prowl is SUCH a multi-faceted and interesting character, even in the relatively little we see of him in mtmte 

plus it was interesting to learn later that prowl was one of the characters that jro wanted for mtmte and didn't get, and MAN i wish he got prowl bc I would've loved to see what jro would've done w/prowl on the lost light, that would've been amazing. like, just imagine the arc he would have...I have no idea what that arc would BE, but I know it would be awesome. plus I’d be really interested to see how prowl would factor in, relationships-wise, amongst the crew of the lost light. so much potential!

anyways. I'm in a very talky mood tonight it seems. its currently 4 am so that kinda explains it. ok, moving on!

chromedome and prowl bantering....in their own morbid forensic-cop way...

skids bvhjdbsfjasf. speaking what we’re all thinking: is prowl gonna keep showing up in mtmte despite not technically being part of the cast??

swerves drawing of prowl lmaoooo

AND THEN REWIND IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE MTMTE PANELS....fuckgin cracks me up every time god. rewind was rlly about to flip their entire ass table just to demonstrate that prowl is a serial table-flipper...and then he cant even make the table budge and he just stares at his hands like ‘how could you betray me like this’ hvbajkhhsfdhksdf PEAK hilarity

drift hvbshfdjbasdfj his forcibly cheery expression even tho he’s being harassed by rodimus, who is a big whiny toddler w/drift lmao 

rodimus is the type of guy who, upon drift not replying to one of his texts, would post a whole twitter thread being all like ‘these days u cant trust any1 to hav ur back...u think u kno someone and then they just ghost you...(1/14)’

again, rewind, HOW and WHY do you just Have medical reports, oh my god, somebody please call a hipaa agent I’m scared, 

ratchet interrupting the story to give a quick medical PSA....that's Such an on-brand thing for Me to do that I feel like jro is assigning me ratchet kin as I read this

also, hey, its sonic and boom, those two decepticons from delphi! nice little continuity there

AND HERES ORION PAX SUPER COP

can’t believe idw made my dad optimus prime into a cop. smh. shouldn't be that shocked tho, I feel like half the idw characters are cops

orion rlly hit them w/the omae wa mo shinderu arrest strat

orion: I cant believe you're beating this guy up. anyways, now I'm gonna beat YOU up,

when ratchet puts his hand over drifts mouth and then gets spray paint on drifts face bhjdfsvsdjhfgbjdskf

pre-war ratchet and drift ;_; ratchet’s little inspirational speech...the fact that he tells drift that he’s special...the fact that drift remembered all of this even after 4 million+ yrs...it gets me bro it GETS me

ALSO the layers in the fact that drift then goes on to become a well-known murderous decepticon...so this little scene of him and ratchet in the past gives a lot of context to ratchet’s general attitude towards drift - ratchet clearly feels at least somewhat responsible for all the blood on drift���s hands, since he saved drift’s life way back in the day

the whole relinquishment clinic thing is such cool worldbuilding, bc of course that's the kind of thing that would develop in a society of robot aliens who are only allowed to work within the rigid confines of their alt mode 

I love the whole matrix thing bc its kinda like being the pope or st but also you have a ton of political sway, so its a super important position, so of Course the corrupt senate would want full control over that power, and would assassinate the current prime to try to get their own guy in 

god vhbhjsdkbgshjdf rodimus is such a dick lmao poor drift

HHHHH I love that the cybertronian version of an autopsy is taking the dudes body apart into the smallest components and laying them all out. that's so fucking cool

hmmmm chromedome maybe you should Not be interested in mnemology, how about that,

oh god. time to start being sad about op and senator shockwave. oh god

senator shockwave more like senator sexy 

also the first time I read this I thought I had just missed his name and like halfway thru the story I went back and scoured the pages looking for it hbvhsjdfbshgfdsbj then I was like oh ok so we’re maybe supposed to just know who this guy is from another comic? but NOPE it was very deliberate and I only realized very close to the end that they were setting up some sort of reveal

its funny bc normally I'm not a huge fan of stories where politics play a huge role but I fuckgin love it here, the politics and worldbuilding is all so interesting and also balanced out with a healthy dose of cool sci-fi hijinks, so

lmao there's chromedome being obsessed w/people making the ‘pfft’ sound 

also wow yet more hindsight, maybe you Shouldn’t be so interested in the Institute, chromedome, 

OHHHH shit I forgot abt the red alert stuff happening at the same time as this :( :( :( 

AUGHHH what a fucked up situation. god 

oooof i gotta continue now!! what a solid issue, I love the shadowplay arc

[lizzieraindrops]

Your chance to make the sun rise thrice (Chapter 2)

a river that still runs (8803 words)

Beth Childs has come to Helsinki to meet her best friend Veera for the first time in the Herbs on the windowsill universe, an alternate timeline where the original Helsinki massacre was prevented and DYAD routed by Clone Club Alpha’s successful publicity stunt back in 2001. Veera Suominen and Niki Lintula survived and decided to live in a little apartment together as qpp’s. Numerous Leda clones worldwide are now in contact via a secure online network that Veera maintains. 

Note: This chapter is a bit heavier than the rest of the AU. Beth is still struggling with a lot of the same challenges in this universe, even if the events causing them are somewhat different because of such early canon divergence. But the whole point of this story is that things can end up okay no matter how rough it's been. She's getting the help she needs and she's gonna be alright. That said, warning for soft discussion of past abuse, the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety, and some suicidal ideation. And of course, lots of love and learning how to heal, with support from her best friend.

Fun fact: Veera's username is 3mika, and she always sets her font to the precise warm turquoise of hex color #2299aa. She thinks she's hilarious, and she's right. 

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Part 1: Herbs on the windowsill

Part 2: Someday colors

Part 3: Your chance to make the sun rise thrice  |  Chapter 1  |  Chapter 2  |  Chapter 3

***

Beth wakes on a squashy couch that isn't hers. Morning-soft sunlight pours through the window above her, bouncing back off the walls to fill even the shady corners with a warm secondhand glow. Her limbs are soft, splayed under unfamiliar blankets and sinking into the cushions. She doesn't move yet.

The apartment. Helsinki. Beth's really here. She holds herself still, letting the truth sink into her. She half expects the usual anxious tension to clench her into a ball the instant she moves a muscle, but it isn't there. Neither is the invisible weight that so often pins her immobile. She still wakes frequently with both of them holding her body hostage, keeping her muscles unmoving but restless, even in sleep. Right now though, they're gone. She just lies there, soft beneath the window.

It's quiet but not silent. The occasional car on the little road outside chuckles as it passes. A soft rush of water echoes through pipes in the walls, running toward an early riser in another unit. These sounds fall strangely on Beth's Toronto-bred ears, isolated in the stillness of this of this little apartment on the outskirts of the city. Still, the early-morning atmosphere settles comfortably into her jet-lagged bones, murmuring a rhythm for her to sink into. The temporal upheaval of a transcontinental red-eye and a series of exhausted naps yesterday have left her a little unbalanced. And yet, here she is waking up with the day, and the ground under her feels so much more stable than she’s used to.

Beth breaks her stillness with a deep, deep breath that she can feel expanding all the way down to her feet. She stretches, too, but soon pulls the toes that get exposed back underneath the warm, scratchy blanket. The cushions of the old couch creak a little in complaint as she shifts, but her limbs remain supple. For a time, she just observes the sensations. Then, her awareness spreads beyond the couch and the window to the rest of the room.

All around her, an oddly blocky pattern covers the walls. It's one of the first things she noticed when she walked into the apartment yesterday afternoon. The pattern isn't wallpaper like it appears at first glance, but actually a multitude of small photographs. Most of them are unframed, but taped up in crisply aligned rows. In them, she sees the same face infused with a hundred different lives. Just above her, a sleeping, slack-jawed redhead with bulky headphones around her neck sprawls on the very same couch Beth's laying on now. A few rows down, a brunette and a blonde with their long hair in matching wild waves are leaning all over each other and grinning like devils. One of the few framed photos shows a girl with a hospital-short buzz cut and a delighted expression, sitting in front of what looks like a mouthwatering strawberry shortcake. Beth can see at least six others in the background behind strawberry girl. Among them are Mika with her unmistakable scars and Niki with her bright blonde hair, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Morning light glances off the glossy surfaces of the photos on the west wall. The particularly bright reflection off one of the framed photos draws Beth's eye. With a tiny jolt, Beth recognizes one of her own selfies beneath the glass. In it, she's wearing the same old turquoise blue sweatshirt that's spilling out of her suitcase next to the couch right now. Underneath it, she's wearing her track gear, so the photo is at least two years old. She'd had to quit cross-country so she could try to get the shitshow her life had become under control. She vaguely recalls sending it to Mika a long time ago. It's strange to think that her presence has been in this apartment for so long.

She's here. In Finland. Staying with Mika – Mika - and Niki. Far, far away from everything.

Sprawling on the couch she slept on with a sigh as if she hadn’t a care in the world, Beth can't believe she's really gone and done it. She's run so far away that there's an ocean between her and her problems. It’s so much better than she's dreamed, even if it's only for a little while. It’s worth it, even though she'll be going back far too soon. For the first time in years, it feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be right now.

It had all started out as foolish idea she'd floated one Saturday morning, months ago. She hadn't been serious at all. She'd woken up so relieved at not having to get up and go to work, until she remembered her weekly therapy appointment with a hopeless groan.

Putting off the genuinely daunting prospect of hauling herself out of bed, she reached out to snag her phone from on top of her dresser, checking to see if she'd heard from Mika overnight. After all, Helsinki was nine hours ahead, so Mika had already seen most of the day that was just beginning for Beth. They talked so often these days, since they'd first made contact over two years ago. Rarely a day passed without touching base. But there wasn’t anything since Beth had checked last night. She took it upon herself to send the first message of the day.

runwaterblue: god, i dont wanna get up and deal with any of thsi shit today

After her world fell apart, after finding out about Project Leda, after realizing that all her nightmares and more were real, after her father...

runwaterblue: wish i could come visit u and get away form everything for awhile

Mika replied almost immediately.

3mika: you can

It was evening in her time zone, but to be honest, Beth had no idea if she had anything resembling a regular sleep schedule. The girl was always online.

3mika: though you really should go to your appointment. you always feel better afterward

runwaterblue: howd you know i have therapy today

3mika: you always have an appointment saturday afternoons

runwaterblue: yes but how do you remember that? i cant evne remember my own appts lmao

3mika: you mentioned it months ago when you switched from sundays to saturdays

Beth shook her head with a smile. Mika was so good with details.

3mika: anyway. you’re welcome here, if you can get here

3mika:  it would be great to see you

3mika: Niki wouldn't mind. we've had a bunch of Ledas visit us here, it's always fun

3mika: except that one time Dani and Ary got into a fight over football. some French-Italian team rivalry thing. that was not fun.

Beth laughed. It was funny how Mika was so good at making her do that, even on days like these. She leaned back against her pillow and held her phone over her head without sitting up, being careful not to drop it on her own face. She'd done that before. More times than she'd admit.

runwaterblue: i was kidding. id love to visit, but idk how id get there

runwaterblue: u should see the americans go off abt their football lmao. they're nerly as bad as the hockey freaks here

3mika: pls no

3mika: no more sports. it was a year ago and I’m still exhausted

3mika: sports are banned in this apartment.

Beth snorted. Mika wanted nothing to do with sports of any kind, and with Beth's athletic record, the topic had become a point of mutual teasing between them.

In so many ways, they were such different people, DNA be damned. Mika was reticent where Beth was outgoing. (Or at least, Beth had been. She was never quite sure how to think of herself these days.) Clone drama aside, Beth had been a pretty average Canadian high schooler. She got reasonable grades, played a few sports, and kept mostly out of trouble because there would be hell to pay if she didn’t. Mika was a brilliant homeschooled autistic orphan who had been raised in near isolation by her guardian after surviving the hospital fire that marked her skin for life. Beth mostly listened to pop music, and where no one else could hear, the occasional classical symphony. Mika held fast to Finland's weird obsession with death metal and dabbled in literally everything else.

And yet, Mika understands Beth like no one else does. And it's not just because they've both been through all this Project Leda bullshit. Though Beth doesn't know what she would have done without Mika to help her through that, too.

Beth won't ever be able to forget the moment that everything changed. Recognizing a her own face from the mirror on the evening news stopped her in her tracks, as something in her gut caved in with the hollow certainty that it wasn't her. Then face after face flickered before her, a flipbook barrage of déja vu. Blonde and smiling. Scarred and pensive. Braids and piercings and a rakish grin. Beth was rooted in place as people she had never been wearing things she had never worn said things she was never supposed to know.

That utter strangeness on the screen immediately seeped into her life like an oil slick into a river, tainting every thing she thought she knew with clinging uncertainty. Her father was inexplicably even more upset about it than Beth was, yet adamant that they shouldn't look into the matter. But it was already too late to stop herself from thinking. With slow horror, the truth of what exactly his behavior must mean dawned on her. And yet, even with the desperate growing certainty about who her Leda monitor must be, it was hard to believe that he could be anything other than her plain stern father.

He was always a bit strict and overprotective - probably well more than a bit, she realizes these days. But she’d thought that's just what it was like to be a cop's daughter. He'd never done anything really extreme, nothing beyond the firm discipline any kid could expect. He was just not a man to be trifled with, that was all. So until everything she thought she knew shifted that day and threatened to topple every assumption she’d built her life on, she had never truly dared to cross him.

Outright daring him to say to her face that he wasn't her monitor was probably considered a step beyond trifling. He did not take it kindly.

Two months later, Beth and her mother were living in an apartment on the opposite side of the city. It took two months for the two of them to lay plans to leave together, for good. For two months, her every move was watched. She spent two months knowing there would be hell to pay if she didn't give the performance of a lifetime pretending everything was fine, even while sirens blared inside her day and night. Two months was more than enough to teach her things she never wanted to know about the hidden marks fear leaves on the body.

Even after she finally escaped, her life was in tatters and nothing made sense. It wasn’t just the sudden jarring discovery of Project Leda, or the crisis it had forced her to confront. It was learning that, deep down, she had known that she’d never once felt free. She’d unconsciously kept herself from knowing to avoid exactly that conflict of wills that she’d known she would lose.

Trying to come to terms with what had happened and how it changed everything, Beth was continuously losing her balance. Questioning which parts of her life had been screwed over by her father and which by being part of some ridiculous supervillain science experiment was like trying to stand on two kickboards in a pool. She couldn't find her footing, and all she could do was try and stay afloat. She had to repeat her whole junior year of high school that she lost to this shitshow, while starting over at a new school, and only barely scraped her way into senior year. Now that she knew how honestly terrible she'd been at judging who in her life she could trust, it was as hard to talk to old friends as it was to make new ones.

Therapy helped her start sorting out what she was feeling, and how the environment she’d grown up in was really not the healthiest. She hadn’t realized how much she’d learned to doubt her own perceptions. That made constructing any kind of new understanding of her situation an uphill struggle. And of course, her therapist couldn’t help her confirm anything about a human experiment that was so illegal it had been an international secret. As she continued to stumble forward, Beth even started doubting her former certainty of the identity of her Leda monitor. She questioned herself and everything she knew until she wanted to scream with frustration or weep with confusion. The floor of the counselor’s office could have been mopped with her tears. It was, quite literally, driving her mad.

So, finally, Beth had taken up the invitation on the banner of every Leda news feature to "Contact the secure, clone-run Clone Youth Group Network (CYGNet) for answers by emailing info@cygnet.org."

She wanted something concrete that would help convince her brain to stop reenacting these head games that warped her reality. It still insisted on playing through the patterns it had been taught, even in its teacher’s absence. She needed something that could brace her against the ideas that she was really just paranoid, overreacting, accusing, that this was all her fault for making a big deal out of nothing. Even with his other faults (cruelties, her mind whispered) aside, at least his involvement with Project Leda was unforgivable, and she wanted proof of it. Maybe if she had that, she could stop being mad at herself for not wanting to forgive. And if anyone had that proof, CYGNet would.

Maybe it was just because of the sheer blunt honesty about her motives, or the inescapable vulnerability of the message Beth sent, but Mika had replied to her within a day. And she'd been so gentle about it, too, enough to make Beth later question where the stereotype of autistic brashness came from. Then again, over email, Mika had all the time she needed to compose her thoughts and lay them out as softly as she wanted. She didn't have to spit them out as fast as she could to keep pace with a quick and painfully overwhelming world.

Hi Beth Childs,

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I still don't know how they got away with doing things like this for so long. I suppose people will always find ways to be cruel. But we've survived this long, and the whole point of CYGNet is to help us all heal. The experimental network has been dismantled, and we are assembling resources to help us. We've brought mental health professionals on to the project to develop custom programs for our needs. We can make them available to you, if you are interested.

I attached scans of some of your files that we recovered from DYAD. There are a few case reports with the signature of the person you asked about, spaced throughout your lifetime. There are also financial records with his name in the list of paid employees. He was without a doubt part of the Leda monitor program. I can provide all of the documentation that we have related to you, if you like, but I thought that would be too much all at once. I know these are hard to look at, but I hope they help let your mind rest. They are very real, and every awful thing we have experienced was also real, no matter how they tried to convince everyone that we were making it all up.

Please take your time with these, and stay in contact if you want to. You can join our mailing list, if you want to know when we have new information or new resources available. We're here for you.

And hey, if you just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to deal with all of this, I'm here, too. You can reach my personal inbox or IM me at wiz.of.dos@cygnet.org. It'll be okay.

-Veera

Beth had started crying before she even finished reading the letter, much less opened the attachments. She cried so often these days. She only knew why half the time. But this time, it felt like the tears were extracting some of her pain as they left her, instead of just overflowing from the unending wellspring of her directionless distress. All of this was real, and someone else knew it.

Though she was grateful beyond measure for her mother’s untiring support, they were each other’s too-close, ever-present reminders of what they’d survived, trying to act like they weren’t, trying to convince each other and themselves that they were okay. Beth had needed something else, too, something until now unnamed.

This was a handhold, a backstop Beth didn't know she'd been desperate to find. It wasn't just the confirmation of what she’d concluded about her father. The ability speak plainly to someone she didn't feel the need to pretend around was an exhale of a breath held too long. At least one person in the world not only understood, but really and truly didn't want or expect her to act like any of this was normal or okay, or that she would ever be the same again.

Veera – or Mika, as she often went by online – made good on her offer of a sympathetic ear. Their correspondence started off with awkward, grammatically correct messages about the less painful details of their lives. Mika told her about the farmer’s market three blocks away where she went walking early in the morning before it got busy, and the plant stand there that her best friend and roommate Niki (also a Leda) had to ask her to stop buying so many succulents from.

At first, Beth tried to chatter like she used to, but there were no safe subjects. What had happened had touched all of her life. Normally, she’d talk about school, or sports, or her friends. But she was trying to start all over again at a new school with all the struggles that came with it. She didn’t have the time or energy for sports anymore, and talking about them hurt, now. Running used to make her heart sing. But no matter how she tried, there was no joy in the motion anymore. To top it all off, it was as hard to connect with old friends from her old life as it was to try and make new ones. She spent most interactions either doubting her own character judgement or dreading the moment people recognized her Leda face from the news.

She didn’t know how to talk about any of it to anyone. Maybe she could have if it had been just the clone thing or just the dad thing. But the two were inextricably entangled, and she still couldn’t even explain it to herself. It was all unbelievably horrifying, and any time she tried to be honest about it, people ended up disbelieving or horrified. Shocker.

Maybe, though, it wouldn’t be weird to talk about it with Mika. Mika already knew the worst. Beth didn’t have to hide that hurt from her to keep from shaking her world, or to keep her dismissal from hurting Beth. Maybe that’s what was hurting the most: the feeling that even after escaping, she still had to pretend to be okay. That compulsive stifling feeling choked her whenever it bubbled back up. On her bad days, a simple “how are you?” could reduce her to a blank face plastered over a raw tangle of emotions held motionless her own iron grip.

But Mika mentioned having bad days, too. Days came where she was too scared and nightmare-weary to do anything but make herself some tea and soak up some sunlight in the safety of home. Beth could casually say things like after those two months, i still twitch every time i hear a door open, and i wish my body would quit feeling like it doesn’t exist, my legs feel numb. It barely broke the surface of what it was like in her head, but was discomfiting enough for people that she held her tongue at school.

Sometimes, Beth got tired of constantly thinking about all this shit and tried to lighten things up. On one comically disastrous occasion of cultural exchange, she liveblogged Mika her attempt at eating the infamous Scandinavian lutefisk, along with an audio recording of the incoherent horrified noises she made after tasting it. In return, she received a recording of someone, presumably Mika, laughing harder than she’d ever heard anyone laugh before. It made Beth smile. Not many things did, back then.

Slowly, as the formality fell away from their transcontinental conversations, their heavier stories seething below the surface seeped in. Beth had been in therapy long enough now to know that she couldn't just recklessly unload on people the way she did in counseling sessions. But a counselor couldn't always provide the same kind of unspoken solidarity that someone in the same boat could.

Bit by bit, slipped into the chats that were becoming a daily occurrence, they talked about monitors, about what the experiment had really all been for, why that both was and wasn’t important, and how they'd discovered they were a part of Project Leda. Putting words to the pain hurt, a lot. But the ability to lay out long-unspoken truths in front of each other, knowing they were believed in the way that only people who have shared something can, was a healing kind of pain instead of the festering one Beth had been living with.

The two of them had more in common than they'd thought, growing up a world apart. Beth's experience raised under the subconscious wariness of her father's hovering thumb felt a lot like what Mika described growing up largely isolated with her former guardian. But sometimes, whenever they realized that something they'd both thought was normal was pretty not, they got a good laugh out of it despite the weight of their pasts. Mika seemed somewhat accustomed to her normal being considered pretty weird, so she usually took the revelations in stride better than Beth did. Beth wouldn't find out for at least a year after meeting her that it was because of her Asperger's, since it was a topic Mika seemed quite sensitive about.

Mika explained it once, in a conversation full of long pauses on her part and watching the typing icon disappear and reappear on Beth’s. The way she put it, it just meant that her brain worked a bit differently than most people's, processing sounds and sights and all the information it took in at different speeds and with different emphases. The difference could turn everyday things like the sound of a refrigerator running into a splitting headache, or something as simple as the soft texture of her favorite jacket into a kind of bliss. That alternative way of processing also extended to things like words and emotions as well. Sometimes, it took her longer than the world was willing to wait to process them into something that made sense. It often made communication tricky, trying to compensate for the gap in mutual understanding with most people. The world and the people in it could be so overwhelming sometimes, so fast and bright and full of noise and uncertainty and bewilderingly arbitrary social conventions. But the biggest challenge was other people expecting her to do everything the same way they did, ignorant of the fact there were any ways to exist other than their own, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was already putting in at least twice as much effort to communicate with them as they were with her.

And yet, even coming from such a different perspective, Mika gets it. Beth says sometimes i dream of drowning and its not a nightmare and i wake up not knowing how to feel, and Mika says I still dream of burning and wake up not knowing which fires are real, and they both say yeah. And they sit there across the world from each other knowing these things, knowing that it doesn't fix anything. And yet, it does change something. Nothing's any better, really. But somehow, the knowledge that someone else understands makes it a little easier to bear.

And that's just it. Somehow, without ever even having seen her face, Mika sees Beth clearer than anyone. All of her, all the ugly parts she hides so that they can't hurt anyone, and all the good parts that she also hides so that nobody can hurt them or take them away from her. Mika sees all of that and then just tells Beth another story about the Northern Lights she sees on the regular. Apparently, in Finnish, they’re called "fox fires." Beth hardly ever sees the aurora, living relatively far south in a bright city. But her stories about life in the metropolis by the lake intrigue Mika as much as the tales of the twisting green lights do her. And Beth can talk about something lighter again while not having to pretend that the heaviness isn’t there, too, even while she’s just once more trying and failing to explain poutine. For her, the weight never really goes away. But the effort of pretending she’s not carrying it takes more out of her than the weight itself. Mika understands that.

Maybe that’s why Beth had talked it over with Mika first, even before her mom, when she was considering taking a gap year after she hopefully managed to finish her senior year of high school. (God, it was so hard to think about English or math or whatever when just that morning she’d woken from a nightmare about being back in a not-home house that she never escaped.) Beth's mom had been so unbelievably supportive of Beth's recovery, even while she herself was adjusting to the wrenching change in both of their lives. It was both inspiring and a little intimidating. If her mom managed to run a household and raise a daughter all on her own, even while trying to heal from her own trauma, how could Beth not do her utmost, too? She was grateful to be able to talk to Mika about it, to get a reality check from someone who both understood her situation intimately and didn't make Beth feel that pressure of expectation. In the end, Beth did decide to take a year or two off before considering college, and her mom was again nothing if not supportive. Beth figured, after this entire mess, she deserved some time to herself to work on sorting her shit out, and her mom agreed.

After graduating with reasonable if not flying colors, Beth worked a series of part-time and odd jobs that didn't stress her out too much, letting herself focus on her own healing. In between her mom's support, seeing a counselor regularly, and the security of having a friend she could really trust, Beth felt like she was making progress. Slow progress, sure, but progress, nonetheless. Considering that she had seventeen years' worth of lies to unbelieve and emotional trauma to finally acknowledge, Beth figured that there was only so much she could do in the three years she'd had.

Her days were still hard. Getting sleep and waking up and eating and even just existing were still so fucking hard sometimes, and it was horrible. Some days, the thinnest sheet trapped her in bed like it was a car pinning her down. It felt so stupid for such simple things to be so hard. But then her therapist would remind her that that’s what mental illness and trauma was, that this was what the wounds in her mind and heart made her feel like. And once in awhile, sun broke through the shadows, and she had a day that reminded her what an okay day felt like – that okay days existed. That more might.

Now, she’s here, lying in a bright living room so far from home, with her dearest friend in the next room. She’s comfortable, except for the knot in her neck from sleeping oddly on the couch. The soreness pales in comparison to the usual tensions that are so strangely absent. Beth can’t remember the last time she felt this okay. She’s not steeling herself to go to work. She’s not dreading the next conversation with her mother that goes quiet as they both remember awful things they don’t mention. She’s not bracing herself for the next time her brain runs rampant worrying about whether she’ll run into the subject of her restraining order somewhere in the city and have to wonder if he'll honor it.

None of that reaches her here. There’s something about this quiet little pocket of space. It’s overrun with a proliferation of potted plants, from the sprawling lacy-leafed monster in the corner, to the fern peeping out of the kitchen, to the vine cuttings spilling out of an oddly familiar leaf-shaped glass bottle on the sill. Sunlight streaks through leaves and windowpanes and across the colorful patchwork of rugs on the floor. In the midst of it all, Beth is held by a palpable aura of gentleness. It holds her so softly that she doesn't need to hold herself in. It's like the layer of caution that she always keeps wrapped between herself and the rest of the world has simply dissolved away. In this moment suspended in morning light, she is okay.

She feels safe.

The realization undoes something in her. She feels the tears starting, and she expects the taut tension of involuntary stifling that always comes with them to return. But it doesn’t. She lies still and soft on the couch with the water creeping over her cheeks, breath occasionally catching but flowing freely. She savors it in the quiet.

The soft thunk of an ill-fitted door opening breaks into her odd reverie. Mika’s up. Beth sniffs and scrubs at her eyes halfheartedly, but she can’t hide them right now and she doesn’t want to. Mika notices immediately, and comes trotting over with quiet steps, leaning forward all concern.

"Beth," she says softly. She shifts from foot to foot like a nervous cat, watching Beth with enormous eyes. Beth has never met anyone else with such an intense stare. Or maybe it's just the fact that Beth knows beyond all doubt that she's being looked at by somebody who really sees her in her entirety. It's like she's staring right into Beth's soul. But Mika was able to do that long before they saw each others' faces. They've shared so many thousands of words over screens and seas, so many emotions that have gone otherwise unspoken, so many too-early mornings and too-late nights on the fringes of each other's dawns and dusks.

“What’s wrong?”

Finally, a flash of that sick tension runs through Beth’s body. It’s been okay when Mika has asked that before, when it was just silent letters on a screen. But out loud, the question falls on her ears like every well-meaning inquiry she’s ever had to scramble to find an acceptable answer for. The strain begins to cinch tight around her again like coarse ropes across barely-healed skin, ready to compel her to replace the truth with something safer. Her arms and legs tied, she begins to freeze, railing against herself for tainting the softness, the safety of this place.

"Beth." Mika says again, softer but more urgent.

In the gap between thoughts created by hearing her name, Beth seizes the chance to redirect them to the present. She clings to the welling in the corners of her eyes, the warmth of the sun caressing her back. The leaves of trees whisper outside the third-floor window in a mild breeze. The brightness spills over the sill and across Mika’s asymmetrical, half-craggy face and lights up tufts of her short hair as she steps closer. The couch dips as Mika sits down next to her, tilting Beth toward her.

Without meeting her eyes, Mika lifts a hesitant hand that hovers in the air between them, uncertain yet reaching. Her gentle palm falls onto Beth's forearm as softly as a floating leaf. The fingers curl around Beth’s arm just below the wrist, firm but not tight. Comforting.

The softness surrounding Beth seeps back into her, saturating her. As the memory fades like a ripple into water, the tension slackens. But it leaves her shaky, with traces of a familiar ache in her neck muscles, one that goes deeper than the simple stiffness from the couch. She sucks in a few unsteady breaths while Mika gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Sorry,” Beth says in a small, awkward voice.

Mika tilts her head. “Why?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean to bring all – this mess, in here.” Beth rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “It’s so... soft, and okay, and – I don’t wanna ruin it,” she says, trailing off into a mumble.

“Hey.” Mika moves her hand from Beth’s arm to her shoulder. When Beth looks at her, she’s looking right back. Mika's eyes dart down to the floor for a moment, but then return to hold Beth’s with deliberate steadiness. “It’s alright. It’s like this here because we wanted it to be safe to be messy. You’re not ruining anything.”

“... Oh.” She’s steadied by Mika’s fingers curling around her shoulder, by the tendrils of sunlight spreading across her head and back and arms. Mika’s voice is small but steady, and somehow it comes from the same throat that makes that huge pealing laugh. It’s so strange how they sound nothing alike. Until yesterday, Beth hadn’t heard her voice since the lutefisk incident. They’d mostly kept to text and pictures. It had seemed easier, the way it gave them both plenty time to think before they spoke through their different uncertainties. Beth was already planning her trip before they realized that they’d never actually called each other. By that point, it sounded like more fun to meet in person the old-fashioned way.

"I'll make you some tea." Mika abruptly stands and lets go of her. Beth is sad to lose the contact. She flits across the room toward the kitchen in her soft cotton pajama pants, complemented by yet another black graphic tee for yet another Scandinavian metal band Beth's never heard of. Or at least, she'd never heard of them before Mika, who has something to say about all of them, and now Beth knows more than she'll ever need to.

Mika moves in and out of view behind the half-wall that separates the little living room from the kitchen. The fronds of the fern on the counter make a green rustling as she brushes by them. It sends soft feathered shadows waving across the wall opposite the window. Beth hears the rush of water boiling out of sight, and soon sees steam rising from the mug that's being handed to her.

"It's hot," Mika says unnecessarily. She sits down next to her again, this time leaning into Beth with her arm. Beth’s glad for it.

"Have you ditched the bags and gone loose leaf?" Beth says, eyeing the fragments of bright green leaf free floating in her mug.

"It didn't come in a bag. It came from the window."

"The window?"

"It's basil tea. For the fear and pain. Five large fresh leaves in two hundred and fifty milliliters water. We grew it here."

Beth takes a cautious sip. It's surprisingly sweet, and the savory smell of the steam rising from it curls into her sinuses. The aching in her head and neck begin to relax. It's unfamiliar, but it feels like home should, just like everything else here.

"Thanks," Beth says. On an impulse of craving closeness, she leans her head onto Mika's shoulder with a sigh. The sensation of contact deepens as Mika leans against her, too.

Beth holds the cup close, fingers wrapping around its warmth. She takes another sip and gets a bit of leaf stuck in her teeth. The way she scrunches up her face trying to dislodge it pulls a tiny laugh out of Mika.

“You don’t have to be okay here,” Mika whispers. “You can just be. That’s what we do.”

Beth finds her eyes wet again, but she smiles while she sets her mug down and wipes them away. “Kinda already wish I could stay here,” she says with a chuckle.

“... That’s probably not impossible.”

“Really?” Beth asks wryly. “Not even twenty-four hours, and you’d already be willing to put up with me?”

“Twenty-four hours and twenty-seven months.”

Beth melts a little even while waving the idea aside. “I wasn’t serious.”

“I know, but... weren’t you looking at the school here?”

“I mean, yeah, but... really, my mom just thought I deserved a break to get away for a little while. She’d saved up a bit, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but she really wanted me to. She knew I wanted to come see you. Checking out the school was mostly an excuse. I know it’s a great place, but... I don’t really think it’ll help with what I wanna do.”

“What do you want to do?”

Beth sighs and leans back, looking at the ceiling. Mika follows her so that they’re still shoulder to shoulder, and pulls her feet up to tuck them in cross-legged.

She flounders for a moment, trying to find where to begin. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

“This Leda crap has been kind of awful, right? It’s screwed so many of us up. But there’s only, what, a few hundred of us? And that’s not the only reason things get messed up.” She swallows. Her eyes trace irregularities in the ceiling: a knot in an exposed wooden beam here, a sealed and repainted crack there. “Kids like me are a dime a dozen. There’s so many people out there going through hell, just because they got stuck with people who are hurting so much that they hurt other people. And then they go on and hurt more people. It’s a cycle that’s really fucking hard to break.”

Breaths that have become harsh force her to pause and let them lengthen again. A touch on her knee draws her eyes down to a hand resting on it palm up, offering. Beth takes it. Mika squeezes her fingers in reassurance.

“When I was little, I wanted to be a cop like my dad, did you know that?” Mika, eyes wide, shakes her head. “Yeah. That was always my plan. I used to think he was so brave. Wanted to be just like him.” She shudders. Mika grips her hand, steady. “Even if I could do it better than he did, the system is still full of people like him. It’s broken. I couldn’t – I can’t end up like that. I can’t keep being a part of this shit. I want to actually help people.

“I never thought about it before I met you, but the people you brought in to do therapy programs and all for CYGNet? They’re amazing. The stuff I’ve gotten from them has helped me so much. And I don’t know what I’d do without my regular therapist. These people really help people like me. Like all of us. Those are the kind of people I wanna be like.”

Beth’s voice drops and becomes small and secretive, but firm. “I’ve been looking at the social work programs at home. There’s some really good ones at the uni near where mom and I live now. And that’s the city where I grew up. I know how things work there. I know it won’t be easy, but. I could really... do stuff.”

Silence stretches. Beth looks at Mika, only to be completely thrown off by an expression she can’t make heads or tails of. “What?”

Mika’s face is blank yet soft, only barely hinting at her thoughts in the faintest crinkling of her eyes. It’s funny, how quiet her face is most of the time. Beth never would have guessed, going off her online impressions of her. Mika’s so expressive and eloquent with her written words. In person, she is much more subtle. But even after only a day spent around her, Beth is already starting to see how her movements speak volumes in a language of their own. The flickering of her hands flares to life with excitement. The casual shake of her head tosses her hair out of her eyes even when it’s not in the way, like she’s clearing the slate of her mind. And much like Beth these days, she goes very still and tense when she’s getting uncomfortable or overwhelmed, the way she did after a particularly loud whistle at the train station. It shows in her shoulders. They’re soft now though, and she just watches Beth and squeezes her hand once more.

“You’re really amazing, you know,” Mika says.

“Wh- huh?”

“Well.” She looks away and turns their hands over, but doesn’t let go. “After the awful things you’ve been through – nnnh! Don’t pretend,” she says, looking back sharply as Beth begins to protest that she didn’t have it that bad. Mika knows her so well. Beth can’t help but laugh a little. “After all that, you just want to help people. All I ever want to do is get away from them, most of the time.”

Beth quirks a brow at her with a bemused grin. “Really? Because setting up and running an organization that provides mental health resources and extremely important information to a few hundred people is a really shit way to not help people.”

“I never talk to most of them! And CYGNet only has one hundred and thirteen members, not hundreds.”

Beth rolls her eyes with an exaggerated motion. “Yeah, so, you’ve somehow convinced, what, a whole freaking third of a huge group of scared strangers to trust you?”

“A lot of that was Niki and the press team, she’s way better at talking to people th–”

“And you’ve been careful enough and clever enough to keep them and all the information you got from DYAD safe and secure? I can’t even imagine the organization and, and cyber-security and whatever the hell else you put into all this. That you still put in. And look what you’ve done. You’re helping so many people. You found something only you could do, and do it really damn well.”

Mika looks down into her lap, half her face flushed. The raised ridges and swirls of the scarred side are pink, but not as dark. Her shoulders curl in a little, but she doesn’t pull her hand away from Beth’s. If anything, she holds on a little tighter.

“You don’t have to like talking to people to help them. You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” Beth says gently, then pauses as a new thought occurs to her. “Why did you talk to me?”

Mika gives a tiny shrug, eyes still downcast. “You reached out to me. Most people are scared, or suspicious, or hard to talk to, but you were just... honest. You told me exactly what you needed, even if that meant sharing your painful secrets with a stranger. I...” She trails off, looking toward the closed door of Niki’s bedroom. She blinks slowly.

“It reminded me of something Niki said a long time ago. When we first met. We didn’t trust each other at first. But when things got bad, we needed to, and she just... We’d only known each other for a day. She told me a true story that people had called her crazy for, and trusted me to believe her. And when I told her about... my Asperger’s, about being autistic, she just told me something about herself, too, another thing that a lot of people get cruel about when they know. This was back before she came out, too. She was hardly out to herself, then, really. But she told me anyway. ‘Secret for a secret,’ she said.”

“She’s really special to you.” It’s not a question. How could it be, with the sheer softness of love rounding out every syllable and making Mika melt into the couch and into Beth’s shoulder.

“She’s... yes. She’s my family.” Mika looks out the window, and the bright light dances over her nose. “I don’t remember ever having one.”

Beth slings an arm around Mika’s shoulders and smiles as she curls closer into Beth’s side. “Looks like you’re part of a pretty big one, now,” she says, waving a hand at the dozens of photos on the walls circling them.

“I guess so.”

“No need to guess. The evidence is right there. And I’m right here.”

Mika turns those huge eyes on her again. She’s done that multiple times now, even though Beth knows she rarely looks people in the eye. Eye contact is too much, most of the time. She describes it as too intense, too distracting, too intimate. Meeting those eyes – so like Beth’s own, but filled with such a different kind of light – Beth thinks she understands a glimmer of it. If every eye she met were as overwhelmingly expressive as Mika’s, Beth probably wouldn’t meet them all either. It keeps taking her by surprise, coming across their eloquence in an otherwise quiet face. Caught by that gaze, every emotion that lives in it touches Beth. Right now, it’s soft with adoration but shaded with a gradient of doubt. The width and depth of Mika’s eyes reveal a clear view of a vulnerable, aching, healing heart that spent eleven years starving for the love it needs and still hasn’t forgotten the famine.

It might be breaking Beth’s heart. No wonder Niki is always showering her with hugs and kind words and gentle hands on rounded shoulders. Maybe one of these days, Mika will have spent long enough finally getting to soak up all that affection that she won’t look at Beth like this when she says the simple truth.

“Hey. Here I am. Really.” Beth’s voice is a little choked up. She pulls Mika into a proper hug with both arms. Mika squeaks in surprise at being squeezed so emphatically, but returns it all the same. God, but she gives the best hugs of anyone Beth’s ever met. All contact and even, firm pressure and steadiness. “It’s so damn good to see you. I can’t believe you’re...” real, Beth thinks but doesn’t say. I can’t believe I didn’t imagine you. I can’t believe you’re just as kind as your words. I can’t believe how good it feels to be around you. “I can’t believe I’m really here.”

Mika doesn’t say anything. For a moment, one of her hands leaves Beth’s back to fiddle with something, then comes back to give her a little squeeze that Beth returns.

Beth’s phone buzzes a notification behind her on the little glass-top table next to the couch. The table’s wooden base is a round blob carved into the shape of a very fluffy and very ugly sheep with curly horns. Beth’s arms loosen from their embrace as she turns to look at it, bemused. No one but Mika really messages her except for her mom. But if it’s morning here, it’s about time for bed at home. She checks it, just to be sure she’s okay.

But it’s not from her mom.

Mika reaches out to gently grasp her forearm again as Beth shoots her a quizzical look and opens the message.

3mika: I'm glad you're here.

Beth's heart quails.

To think, that her darker days might have kept her from ever being in this moment. Beth might never have gotten to this point, hurt but healing and here. Here, she's seven time zones and an ocean away from the cycle of pain she grew up in, barely aware she needed to escape. She might well feel safer right here in this crossroads of time and place than she has at any other in her entire life. It's a realization that's as humbling as it is nourishing.

Already, the distance this journey has taken her has given her so much perspective. She wasn’t sure, before, whether the work she’s been considering was just a response to what she’s been through – or just a way for the cycle to keep her within its spiral. But she’s seen what Mika can do, what Beth could do one day, if she keeps on.

It won’t be easy. She’ll go back, and deep-seated memories will try to drag her back into small dark places. But being here, even for only a few hours, has already changed her. She can change, and she can grow, and she is already tapping into new strengths that her past has yet to reckon with. She is here, right now, in spite of all of it. And today is not a dark day.

“Me too, Mika. I’m glad to be here, too.” Beth’s tongue stumbles over the name, because she’s never said it out loud before, only read it on a screen.

Surprise sends Mika’s eyebrows up and her eyes wide again, like she’s never heard it before, either. Maybe she hasn’t. She tilts her head again like a question, touching her ear and looking at Beth.

Beth grins. “Mika.” A smile blooms on that curious face, lighting it up. She’s the one who pulls Beth into a hug this time, and it’s both fierce and soft. When she lets go, she leans into Beth’s side again and they stay like that, arms over shoulders and comfortably curled up together, soaking in the warmth of each other’s presence like leaves drink in light. The simple sweetness and companionship of it soothes Beth’s heart, seeking its way into the aching crevices. It’s an odd feeling, both seeping inward and flowing outward, trickling all the way through her until it warms her cold toes in a way that feels both new and strangely familiar.

A long, sleepy yawn announces that Niki’s awake now, too. Soon, she comes out of her room stretching her arms over her head. Mika reaches a hand out toward her to wave in greeting, though she leaves the other arm draped over Beth’s shoulders. Niki smiles at them. That kind smile, too, adds to the warmth washing through Beth. Her feet practically itch with it, and with a growing sensation of déja vu. She fidgets her toes against the floor as Niki walks over to brush Mika’s outstretched hand like a touchstone.

“How'd you sleep? Isn’t that couch the comfiest?” she says to Beth.

“Well, I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I still slept better than I have in years.”

Niki turns her sunny smile on Beth. “Good to hear it. Weird, though, I nap there all the time and my neck’s always fine. Huh. Anyway, I think I might make waffles. You two want some breakfast?”

Mika nods, but doesn’t let go of Beth yet. Beth is lost in thought, trying to remember what that light, floating feeling in her feet reminds her of.

“Sweet.” Niki ambles toward the kitchen and bends down with pursed lips to peer at the fern perched on the counter. “Hmm. You still look a little pale. Let’s get you some more sun.” She brings the plant over to the living room and is fussing over settling it on the sheep table when it clicks for Beth. A physical memory washes over her, for once welcome. She lets it fill her, refreshing like a deep breath of cold morning air her lungs are suddenly hungry for. She flexes her calves and ankles, her legs remembering the joy and freedom of stride and strike. Her bones are finally recalling how they once carried her with ease, even while they're adjusting to the new weight of who she's become. Fully alive again for at least this moment, her soles are practically prickling with the desire to eat up ground.

“How about you, Beth? Do you like waffles?” Niki asks, fluffing the fern’s crinkly green leaves. Mika squeezes her shoulder.

Beth grins and plants steady feet on the blue rug in front of the couch. “Save a few for me? I think I might actually go for a run first.”

[mariacallous]

AUUGHHhHGhh ms callous.....i am like UNABLE to go in2 work things have been deteriorating in the office (yes we are all in-person since last yr BARF) since at LEAST the new year and esp fallen apart between me and another senior team member. She has spread so much negativity in the office and is using the whole anti-work quiet quitting work to the rule rhetoric on all my coworkers (and heres the thing I AM A FAN of all that stuff EYE dont want to slave away in the office for 100 hrs a week etc) but we have federal worker protections (like i CANT work more than 50 hrs/wk without special approvals) and our management bends over backwards to accomodate leave and generally let us do what we want as long as we get the projects done. She has chosen to take advantage of this in the past and has on more than one occasion lied abt the nature of her leave as well as the duration of it and only took leave RIGHT at the critical phases of our projects which as a senior she shld know better. In response management tightened discipline on leave and she used that to stir up discontent so for the last several months ppl just weren't doing anything. Ive been picking up the slack bc i still believe this is a team so ive been cleaning up after ppl while shes telling them they're too smart and special to even be on our team and basically acting like SHE can manage their time. For some reason they all love her so things only got their absolute worst last month when we experienced huge turnover and started operating at like under 50% staffing levels. I couldn't keep up with all these projects PLUS my own sudden due outs PLUS QC PLUS dealing w the interns and this girl has just BEEN there like giving them direction without giving me any insight, gleefully talking abt all my mistakes (bc i had to clean up after her so many times my management noticed and disciplined her) and then she also had the gall to tell everyone i am too overwhelmed by my workload INCLUDING randoms from outside our unit that we regularly deal with! She's been cozying up to the brand new folks too and now they all believe her sob story that shes being retaliated against by management for taking leave and that im too incompetent to handle my role. WHICH WAS KIND OF TRUE FOR LIKE. 2 weeks out of 2 yrs!!! And if everyone else did THEIR jobs i wouldnt have to be like this! So shes FINALLY leaving for a job where she hopefully will be paid to do nothing like she wants and my management asked for peer comments on her performance review and uh. I really let it rip LOL theres no way she's not going to know its me i was so specific w details (like her weird unhinged backyard elopement with our OTHER coworker that she wanted to keep a secret from all of us but we all heard her tell her friends bc our bullpen????? Is???? Open plan????) I ended up taking the rest of the week after submitting my comments so ive been out of the office since Wednesday morning and i just. Everyone else in the bullpen probably thinks im awful or incompetent or both and they LOVE this girl.....its so unbearable.....she only has like 5 more days in our unit before leaving but i d ek how to proceed. I had SUCH a good record before all this even though i am a bit of a gossip i must admit....it feels like I have to leave now too shes just poisoned the well....and i know its mainly a personality clash but it doesnt help that im the only poc in the unit either :( :( like should i go in and pretend nothing happened?? Should i just ignore the atmosphere?? What if i pretend to have a covid exposure JK OBVIOUSLY NOT

I would do the best you can and just try to not address anything and focus on work. Be cordial but non-committal and focus on getting through the next couple of days.

[woojeez]

a long-as-heck analysis of the “trauma” mv

i’ve always hesitated on making these kinds of posts bc 1) i’m REALLY good at reaching and 2) i’ve never been able to read into something deep enough to make a conclusion abt it but !!! i love this mv so much i decided to put on my Art Analysis Glasses and analyze this mv. some ideas are my own, some of them have come from others and i’ll try to source where i found them the best i can

(disclaimers: 1) i’m willing to admit that i might be wrong abt some stuff but speculating is fun anyways, and 2) if u don’t like theories ur probably going to hate this post !! it’s ok !! scroll right along friends)

sO ANYWAYS

1. Edward Hopper Lighting 

(images via)

This has been brought up a lot, but I love Edward Hopper so I’m bringing it up again. The light and composition of these rooms is a reference to Edward Hopper’s paintings. “But!!” someone has probably said at some point, “VM Project Architecture said he’s influenced by classic contemporary art, and SVT doesn’t direct their own videos!! It’s not that deep!!” Okay, but most of Edward’s paintings were about sadness, isolation, regret and loneliness. He used light and shadow to emphasize the empty space of his environments that reflects the inner loneliness/isolation of the painting’s subject. It makes sense to choose him as an influence in a video where the central theme is being alone, right? (side note: again, I’m partial bc I love Edward Hopper, but I think this was extremely clever and well done, and I love that the director/SVT put their own twist to it)

2. Vernon and his “fans”

First of all - nice visual pun. Second, Vernon’s verse broke my heart. He talks about dropping out of middle school and how he “basically had no friends.” He’s surrounded by fans, and yet he has no friends. *clutches chest* 

(quick note: some people have found a parallel between these fans and the windmills in his Al1 teaser. super interesting detail that’s worth pointing out)

Just to get this out of the way - I haven’t decided what the sand/salt symbolizes yet. I’ve seen a few ideas float around, but I’m not really gonna go in depth with it for now. 

3. The Mattress Stack

This one has also been brought up a lot, but it’s worth bringing up again. This alludes to the classic Princess and The Pea story, in which a young woman’s royal identity is established by a test of whether or not she can feel a single pea beneath a huge stack of mattresses (spoiler alert: she does). I’ve heard two meanings for this: 

1) no matter how much you stack on top of a problem to avoid dealing with it, it’s still going to bother you, and

2) no matter how much shielding we try to do for svt, they can still get hurt

I personally prefer the former, but the second one is also a great perspective that’s worth considering. 

4. Seungcheol’s Bedroom

The general consensus of Seungcheol is that he’s lost his lover and is dealing with loneliness from that. I was kind of resistant to that idea at first, but if you look into his verse and his room more, it makes sense: his room is a bedroom with an empty bed, and most of his lyrics are about how much he misses someone. There’s not much I can add to it, but it shows that, in some way, a relationship is (or was) involved in this narrative of loneliness. 

5. Mingyu’s Ropes 

I’ve seen a number of differing theories about Mingyu’s room, but for now I’ve settled on the following: he’s trapped where he is and he can’t get out. He’s stagnant. That’s a pretty important thing to portray when making a song about trauma; it’s difficult to move on or get away from your problem(s), mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.

6. Wonwoo’s Empty Room

Wonwoo’s verse is mostly about his own internal struggle and a sort of mental spiral further and further downhill. As for his room, someone (I wish I could find the post now) pointed out that Wonwoo’s room kind of looks like a TV display. This would make a ton of sense, considering that he had a TV in his previous Al1 teaser. To me, that shows how his whole life - his struggle, his flaws, his mistakes - is on display for everyone to watch (and, more often than not, judge).  

7. The Room of Mirrors

At certain points of the video, one of the members is in this huge room of mirrors reflecting a million projections of themselves. To me, it’s a show of self-reflection and conflict between internal struggle vs. external image. 

8. Meanie Bound Together 

Okay, I’m not going to lie, I got just a little kick out of this one because the imagery and the message it conveys is so blatant. However, I think this one goes deeper than just “shipping has gone too far !!!” One, this shows an unhealthy attachment; they’re literally tied together and can’t get away from each other. Two, notice the beam between them. There’s distance between them in this relationship, in spite of being bound together, and they can’t be freed.

9. Cat’s Cradle and Tightrope 

Both of the visual metaphors in this image portray the same theme: having to be careful with your steps and your actions in a particular situation. In cat’s cradle, if even one part is messed up, the whole thing falls apart. And then Wonwoo (or Cheol?) walking along the string is a visual for the popular idiom “walking on a tightrope/fine line,” or, again, being extra careful of your steps/actions in an unpredictable situation. One wrong move, and the whole thing falls apart. 

10. The Lonely Platform

I wasn’t going to include this at first, but since it’s in the MV for quite a few scenes, it’s worth considering. I get that platforms aren’t that deep, but...doesn’t this kind of look like they’re all standing on a little island in the middle of an ocean? Okay, so there’s no ocean, there’s just a void, but it conveys the same idea as many of the other visual metaphors in this video: being alone and isolated. 

11. The Interconnected Rooms

Near the end of the video, after the walls that have been separating the rooms have been removed, it shows that they’re all in the same room, but still isolated in their own environments. Basically, they feel alone, even though they physically aren’t alone. 

Bonus: 12. Have they moved on?

I’m adding this real quickly because, even though it might be a reach, I still wanna mention it. So, of course, this video and the next couple videos will be Chapter 0.5 of this whole narrative; DWC is Chapter 1...and then “Changed Up” is Chapter 2. “Changed Up” is a much more upbeat, confident song about success and potential. I could be wrong, but I sense character development here. In Chapter 2 of this narrative, it seems like the members (or at least leader line) have moved on from their past issues and are ready to be new people, do new things, and show the world their potential. It gives me just a little hope that their comeback single will have a similar vibe of positivity and confidence, but it’s too early to know now. It’s worth mentioning, though.

There’s some other elements I haven’t touched on yet, but you’ll likely find others who have covered things I haven’t covered yet (this thread in particular mentions some more details from the MV that are worth considering).

tl;dr: hip hop unit is further emphasizing the concept of sadness, loneliness and isolation through numerous visual motifs and symbolism. there’s also mentions and implications of relationship anguish - possibly a toxic relationship? - in this song/mv. things might start making more sense as more MVs are released.  

[opendoorlorien]

I like reading ur char analysis and would love to see u write on abt ur man (Kaze) ;3c

So…my precious Kaze… He’s…cute…lovely…smart… adorable…irresistible…plus…amazing… Don’t you think so? Oh, so…wild…beautiful…kind… I love him! Hug him… He’s warm and cuddly… Oh, he’s…spectacular…captivating…simply divine… I treasure him… Oops! Look at the time! I’ve kept you too long! Thanks for hearing me out.

Generally I think there’s a difference between characters that are fleshed out and characters who go through actual development. Yes, many times those things coincide, but in Fire Emblem, if you’re not a main character, they usually don’t.

Basically none of the cast of Awakening “developed” in any real sense. Like I mentioned before there were some characters who had little moments or bursts of it (like Chrom and some villains) but no gradually, building arc for any of them. Instead most of Awakening’s cast was fleshed out instead of developed. Meaning, the more supports you saw of them, the more you learned about them (like backstory, where they came from, what they want, ect). There are a lot of characters who have simple archetypes on the outside, but actually have a lot of layers and details to them the further you look, like Henry, Lon'qu, Virion ect.

I believe Kaze is one of the non royal characters in Fates who is not only very well fleshed out, but also goes through some nice character development. Like I said before, Fates did a little better on the character development front with its cast than Awakening. Disregarding the royals, there are some regular units who go places too. The only ones I can think of who go through any real development ON SCREEN are Flora, Gunter and Kaze. Flora and Gunter’s development mostly leads to a bad end (Gunter’s end in Revelations is kind of bitter sweet but I find it a tad more tragic and bitter than anything, though he is sort of heal now and put some demons to rest at least). While Kaze, instead, can have either good end or bad end depending on what YOU do. Which is kinda nice, you know. His character development is interactive lol.

There are also characters like Jakob or Hinoka who go through character development OFF SCREEN which we only find out about in supports and is only told to us. And I dont find these anywhere near as powerful because we dont get to see them happen, not that they’re bad or anything, but lack a bit of poignancy because of how they’re displayed to the audience as told instead of shown.

I’ve heard Kaze described before as a deceptively complex character, and he REALLY is. At first glance he seems like a very simple and straightforward character with a personality to match. But take this from someone who hyper focuses on him, that the more you look into him, the more little quirks and details you begin to find. (Or maybe I can just see it because I’m reading too deep into him lol) Either way, I wouldn’t consider it REACHING at all to call Kaze a complex character. And there’s more to him than just his relationship to Corrin too, but just a bit. Because, of course, Kaze is very largely defined and effected by Corrin AND–as I will be referring to it as–his one big fuck up in Cheve.

But setting Corrin and the effects of that fuckup aside, Kaze’s stoic and serious personality is mainly derived from him being raised from birth to be a human weapon owned and used by nobility, which is basically what a hoshidan ninja is. But out of the three ninjas in Fates, I think Kaze ended up as the most emotionally well off. And I think the biggest defining reason for that is because he didn’t have anything big to live up to. Saizo was messed up personality and emotionally wise because he was groomed from day one to take up the family name, and similarly Kagero fights as a ninja in place of her sickly brother and as to not disappoint her family and bring shame to them. But because Kaze doesnt really have anything like this, I believe his upbringing was a taaaad more chill, and because of that while he does seem emotionally stunted and a little robotic, he still ends up being the most personable, friendly and sociable of the three ninjas. (And I think he’s kind to others and goes out of his way to help them for another reason too but more on that later)

Okay so you can’t really talk about Kaze without also talking about Corrin. Because the shit that happened in Cheve FUCKED HIM UP and pretty much fundamentally changed and made him into who he is today, and the majority of his personality traits can be traced back to that incident. Now why did it fuck Kaze up so bad? A lot of reasons really. Firstly–the big one–he failed his duty. Not only as a retainer (it wasn’t official yet, but it was his JOB then to protect Corrin) but also as a ninja who, remember, are manufactured from day 1 to serve as weapons or menial otherwise for the royal family. So failing in his duty here was an extreme failing for him on almost every aspect as a person. And this is a big blow for him emotionally as well because Kaze is not heartless here, and this fuckup lead not only to Corrin being captured but to Sumeragi being killed as well. It was, in essence, the ultimate failing (if it sounds like I’m blaming him here, I’m not. I honestly think Garon would have found a way to fuck shit up whether Kaze had noticed those soldiers in Cheve or not. But from his eyes, this is how he sees things)

This affected Kaze so deeply that he furthermore refers to this failing as a ‘grave sin’ he’s committed, and one that he believes he can’t and has no right to be forgiven for. The loss of Corrin and Sumeragi then by extension created a huge avalanche effect by ripping a huge hole in the hearts of the Hoshidan family and the country itself, which I’m sure Kaze got to see the full and gradual effects of as the years went by. Ouch. (I’m sure he’s very aware of Sakura’s anxiety and Takumi’s many many issues being after effects of what went down in Cheve also.) AND WAIT, it GETS WORSE. As if this wasn’t bad enough for Kaze who, REMEMBER, was a child at the time, probably no older than 15, knew that Corrin was also being taken away to Nohr. Which is a country he’s only ever heard bad things about, so he had no reason to believe Corrin wasn’t suffering and going through hell there, which in his mind would have been HIS FAULT. (And if he heard any of Azura’s firsthand account horror stories of the place, he had no reason not to believe that Nohr was a hellhole.) So add that to the guilt

So basically, this was the worst thing that could have happened for everyone involved (sans for Garon, or maybe even the Nohr family because they got a nice new sibling) but for Kaze and the Hoshidans? This was beyond rock bottom. It’s no wonder Kaze as a character is so largely defined and also deeply wounded by this incident.

In Kaze’s eyes he’s 100% to blame here, and because he believes he can never be forgiven for this act, he thinks the only way to atone for it is to die. In fact he probably went to Mikoto right after everything went down, told her what happened and insisted on the death penalty. But of course Mikoto is a nice lady so she said pish posh to that Kaze, forgave him, and tried to get him to keep living. Now even though Kaze wants to die, he’s not just going to sudoku or throw his life away needlessly.

To atone for this sin he knows he’d need to give his life away for a reason or an honorable purpose. So instead of just dying he does continue to live, and uses his life for the betterment of others. And this is where his constantly friendly and helpful attitude comes from. Okay now I DO fully believe Kaze is honestly just a nice guy and enjoys helping people, but I also think he makes an effort to go OUT of his way to help people as his own way of atoning for that one big failing even just a little. Like his worth is defined by how he assists others and improves their lives, whether he’s entirely aware of that or not. If he is able to make someone happy and improve their QoL, then it means he’s not an entirely useless failing of a person and a ninja like he thinks he is.  

This is also why in turn Kaze has such a low opinion of himself. I don’t think its something you really notice till you take a closer look at his supports and things, but every now and then he drops off handed derogatory comments about himself. That he’s just ‘a lowly ninja’, he humbly denies any praise sent his way just writing it off as “what I did was nothing special”, he marks himself as a determent to things even when he wasn’t. Because of what happened in Cheve, he doesn’t see any worth in himself.

(^he’s talking about chapter 4 here, where he showed up in the map with VULNEARIES for you. So he was only an asset, and yet)

(+this is also why Kaze doesn’t like the affections he gets from random women. THEY see his charm, but he doesn’t. And he doesnt see WHY they think so highly of him. He doesn’t think he deserves the praise and being showered with it makes him feel uncomfortable and upset. Since how can he be a good man when, in his eyes, he’s done so muhc wrong) 

So while Kaze is actually a very nice, sweet, helpful and kind well meaning guy, he actually has a REALLY deep self loathing and low opinion of himself. He’s kind of in an eternal rut that he can’t get out of, and doesn’t believe he deserves to get out of. So the only way to really get him out of it is of course Corrin. And luckily they run back into each other again very early on in Fates. Even though Kaze successfully helps in bringing Corrin back home to Hoshido, he’s still not completely healed here yet because his real issues havent really been addressed and RESOLVED. Corrin is back but they still dont know about Kaze’s involvement during that night in Cheve. And Kaze wants to tell them. He wants to let Corrin know about the whole deal (since Kaze is the kind of person who believes talking and communicating about your problems is the healthy and beneficial thing to do–like its one of the main things he does in his support with Saizo) but of course while the wound has kind of closed, it still hurts. He’s perfectly happy with being cordial and friendly with Corrin, but he doesn’t want to open up to Corrin too much because he’s super afraid that if Corrin finds out about what happened in Cheve, then Corrin would hate him. Which is why in their support he goes to lengths to avoid telling Corrin about it.

Their support is really special to me because it addresses a lot of Kaze’s deep rooted personal issues in which NO OTHER Kaze support even attempts at. Think about it, pretty much EVERY single other Kaze support is about Kaze helping someone else. But in Corrin and Kaze’s support, it’s about Corrin helping HIM, which is what he NEEDS more than anything. And it starts simple at first too, like with Corrin noticing he has a low opinion of himself and trying to show him “the good in himself” which he FERVENTLY believes he doesn’t have. 

So when Corrin keeps telling him he’s a good person, it actually really upsets him (to the point he’s actually angry??????!!!!! which I think is one of the only occasions in game or any other supports Kaze gets even close to being miffed. Which I think goes to show just how deeply this shit affected him right).

Corrin isnt upset that Kaze got mad with them, but Corrin realizes they bugged Kaze in one way or another so backs off. But Kaze felt super bad about it, so in the A rank he decides to GET THIS SHIT ALL TOGETHER AND TELL CORRIN EVERYTHIN. Luckily for him Corrin is a good person and also pure of heart (and can see everything was just a REALLY bad turn of Fate, not one individual person’s fault) so they IMMEDIATELY forgive him and tell him something important he REALLY needed to hear all these years. 

That from the person he failed that night, everything that happened wasn’t his fault.

Corrin encourages him to come to terms with everything and move forward from it. And this is where the concept of Kaze giving his life for Corrin “splits”. 

I mentioned earlier Kaze has good end character development and bad end character development. If you get his A rank in every route then GOOD FOR YOU, he’s healed! So now instead of dying to atone for his sin, he decides to devote his life to your well being and happiness (Giving Kaze heal settles him back into the place where he was always meant to be, as Corrin’s retainer. He even says in the A rank that, while he was meant to be a servant and retainer, he was never given a single master to serve like Saizo and everyone else had. And AS a person who was RAISED to be a kind of living weapon or tool, this really disconcerned him. He had no one and nothing to specifically devote to. It’s like he was a tool made for a certain purpose, but that purpose was taken away. So imagine the years he must have spent living in the castle, seeing all the retainer and lord squads together and feeling a sense of loss and emptiness in himself because he didn’t have that and he didn’t know why. I think even the Hoshido family, whether they know it conciously or not, kind of see him as an odd one out and I don’t think they really knew what to do with him aside from menial bitch work like delivering letters and crap.SMH

Anyway, now that he’s got you again his PURPOSE has returned. And he reminds you whenever he can, whether you’re married to him or not, that his life is YOURS now and he’ll give it up if necessary to keep you going.

And he will and DOES.

Now while Kaze still readily says he’ll give his life for you, I think its said in a better spirit than it was pre-healing. I think the difference is illustrated very well in the good end and bad end of Birthright chapter 15.

Where if he’s NOT healed his only thoughts are to get you out of this alive, himself be damned. (He’s also really emotional at the time and not thinking very clearly because of…….obvious circumstances. So in the short window he has, the question is posed to him “save Corrin or save yourself” and of course he gives himself to save Corrin (which I think is even more super interesting if you consider that you married him to someone else who isnt Corrin. Because in this moment, no matter WHO Kaze is married to, if he didn’t get that A rank with Corrin, he is going to die here. Corrin is the only thing that can keep him alive here, and when push comes to shove, Kaze throws away >everything

While if he IS healed Kaze has put most of the emotional anguish and baggage behind him so he is able to think through the tense situation of dangling off a cliff 500000000000000000 miles in the air, and find a way to save THE BOTH of you. Which is definitely the most definitive example between healed!Kaze and nothealed!Kaze. (Although I still do think if it came down to it, he’d still risk everything for Corrin’s life, even if that meant sacrificing his own. It’s just now throwing his life away isnt at the forefront of his mind.)

So with Birthright out of the way, what about that Conquest! Now of course Conquest is a super interesting route for Kaze too because it puts him in another kind of extreme situation. And that is him leaving everything that he ever knew and loved in Hoshido to help you, fight for the dream you believe in, and assist you in achieving your goals. And yes this is another way of Kaze trying to atone for his sin. I think it’s at least half the reason he decides to defect and join you, but he also says he felt your conviction when you fought, and he firmly believes in your justice, and that you are fighting for the betterment of everyone. So he’s not entirely fighting for ONLY you here, but fighting to help you achieve peace in the way you’ve chosen, by going to Nohr.

Kaze is interesting in both routes but I think he’s slightly more interesting in Conquest, and also because BR treats him like he’s dead after ch15 even if you kept him alive.

In Conquest Kaze has two interesting moments, one in chapter 11 where he makes the choice to turn his back on everything in Hoshido for you and go to your side. And in the ninja cave chapter later on in Conquest where we run into Saizo. Which is a nice chapter and I think is executed MUCH better than the Mokushoku crap in Birthright. Firstly because Saizo tells Kaze and the audience that Kotaro is the one who killed their father, which in BR you only find out if you send Saizo to personally engage the dude. And because of that in Conquest, I like to make a point to have Kaze blow the guy’s shit to pieces. 

hehe get fucked

BUT post-battle we have a small neato moment too where Corrin expresses regret and says to Kaze “if you hadn’t come with me then you wouldn’t have to fight against Hoshido and your brother.”btw briefly touching on Saizo and Kaze here, or at least how Kaze feels about him. Even though they’re not super personal and close with each other, of COURSE they love each other they’re gd family. I think Kaze’s feelings toward Saizo are mostly respect and admiration. Kaze says in the drama CD he thinks very highly of Saizo and nothing will ever change that. Even if they are enemies, Kaze does what needs to be done to achieve the peace he believes in, and the peace Corrin is fighting for.And that’s what he tells Corrin. Both Hoshido and Nohr are fighting for what they believe to be “justice” (

There’s also the interesting possible circumstance of this happening

This has the potential to be a really interesting scene in A LOT of ways (like, think about this for a sec. Not only is Kaze killing his brother, he’s also taking the Saizo name down with it). So we could have got some neat dialogue or a cutscene here to explore this scene a bit, but unfortunately they were making three games here and this ALREADY happens in late game conquest, so unfortunately the developers just didnt have the time or energy to give us a good scene here.And I get it, like, not everyone is going to have Kaze kill Saizo here. It would have been nice if they got one short exchange here. But, I guess that’s what fanfictions are for.

Now with all of THAT out of the way.

How do I personally feel about Kaze? WELL OHOHOHO*SCREAMS FOR 5 YEARS*

For me, personally. Kaze just does everything in the right way. I’ve had a lot of husbands over the years who I’ve loved in varying states of intensity and over varying periods of time. But I feel like none of those old hoes comes anywhere close to the ‘perfect blend of everything right’ that is Kaze.

If he were a cake he’d be the perfectly made chocolate cake. Sure chocolate cake seems kinda average and “the usual” at first, but imagine you had one which just had the PERFECT amount of everything prepared in the absolute perfect way to the best effect, and the more you dug into it you found like a gooey strawberry center which made the flavor all the more complex and interesting.

Kaze also subverts VERY many of the pitfalls that have made me fall out of older husbands that had similar archetypes to him.

I like serious characters but not characters who are TOO serious (Lonqu suffers from this, and, looking back, Frederick is VERY rigid). But with Kaze? DW ABOUT THAT because he has a spicy and playful side. And he’s also CHILL.

Kaze seems almost obsessively devoted to Corrin which could potentially lead to bad end yandere? DONT WORRY ABOUT THAT, IT TURNS OUT HE’S ACTUALLY A WHOLESOME PUREBOY who respects personal boundaries and doesn’t want to be smothering.

With his personality he might be boring and not go anywhere as a character? (Frederick was kind of like this) DONT WORRY WE’VE GOT A++++ DEVELOPMENT and putting him in interesting character situations.

And any other issue I can think of for not liking Kaze is always subverted in a similar sense. Just everything he does… he does it so right. He may not be a big main character and he may not be pushed to any extreme radical limits like he potentially could be or like some other characters are like Takumi or Xander (again, another place for fanfics) THAT DONT MATTA TO ME BECAUSE HE IS A BEST.

Honestly he’s probably the best husband I’ve ever had and while I generally am fickle and my opinions on things can usually waver and change, I do really hope this love lasts a long, long time.  IM ALSO CRYING.

[nickireadstfc]

The Foxhole Court, Chapter 2 - Twinyards!

In which we reveal Exy’s origin story, my namesake appears, Andrew has some Serious Issues™ and the Twinyards pull off the oldest twin trick in the book of twin tricks, however their punny name totally redeems them.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.

Not gonna lie – I’ve been dying to read on since the last chapter. God, I just wanna sit down and burn through the entire book in two days. No. Patience, Nicki.

We start off the second chapter with yet another new character – Aaron Minyard, who is an all-black unfriendly fucker like his twin, minus the murder tendencies.

              “Neil,” Aaron said in lieu of hello, and he pointed. “Baggage claim.”

            “Just this.” Neil tapped the strap of the duffel bag hanging off his shoulder. The bag was small enough to be a carry-on and large enough to carry everything Neil owned.

What the fuck, this is the saddest thing I’ve read all day.

Aaron proves to be exactly the same shade of Extra and Dramatic as everyone else so far as he doesn’t give a flying hoot about lung cancer, polite conversation, or basic traffic regulations.

            “It’s too nice of a car to wreck,” [Neil] said pointedly.

            “Don’t be so afraid to die,” Aaron said as the car kept gliding across the four-lane road to an exit ramp. “If you are, you have no place on our court.”

Literally chill out, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

Neil, unbothered by the waves of Extra currently rolling around, takes this car ride as an opportunity to talk about his favourite subject: Kevin.

            “Kevin stays on campus?” he asked.

            “Where the court is, Kevin is. He can’t exist without it,” Aaron said derisively.

What a nerd. I love it.

However, Kevin’s immense nerd-love for Exy is actually explained shortly after and answers my most burning question from last chapter: WHAT THE FUCK IS EXY IT MAKES NO SENSE SPORTS DON’T GET FAMOUS THAT FAST BLA BLA BLA.

Shut up, past!me. Nora Sakavic is gonna learn you a thing.

            Kevin’s mother Kayleigh Day and Riko’s uncle Tetsuji Moriyama created the sport roughly thirty years ago while Kayleigh was studying abroad in Fukui, Japan. What started as an experiment spread from their campus to local street teams, then across the ocean to the rest of the world. Kayleigh brought it home with her to Ireland after completing her degree and the United Stated picked it up soon after.

OKAY. First of all, thirty years is a long time and it’s fully plausible for a sport to develop this kind of following and news’ coverage in that time. For example, snowboarding was only developed in the late 70s/early 80s, yet today it’s even a Olympic discipline.

(Also, my comparison with competitive cheerleading from last chapter might have been unfair. Cheer counts as a minority sport in the US as well, yet fangirl/boy-level stalking is fully possible with American teams. Soz.)

Second of all, KEVIN AND RIKO’S PARENTS INVENTED EXY??? WHAT?!?!?

I’d be an arrogant son of a bitch too if that had happened to me. Holy fucking what.

            Riko and Kevin were the face of the Ravens. To many, they were considered the future of Exy. (…) Except Kevin Day signed with the Foxes in March – not as a coach, but as a striker.

[fergie’s ‘london bridge’ voice] OH SHIT.

            His fans went from feeling heartbroken to feeling betrayed. Palmetto State hat borne the brunt of that rage since. The university and stadium had been vandalized upwards of a dozen times and there’d been numerous fights on campus. It would only get worse when the season started and people saw Kevin wearing the Foxes’ colours.

Fictional Sports World gets Actual Sports World’s obsessive fan violence spot on.

Also, I feel sorry for the students going to Palmetto State Uni who don’t give a fuck about Exy. Like, can y’all crazy sportsballheads stop vandalizing our campus like some people are trying to get an education here thank you. It’s like going to Hogwarts and just trying to live a chill regular life. Not happening.

As they arrive at Wymack’s house, a much-needed ray of sunshine appears: Nicky Hemmick.

            Nicholas Hemmick was the only one who looked genuinely happy to see Neil. (…) “I’m Nicky.” Nicky gave Neil’s hand another hard squeeze before letting go. “Andrew and Aaron’s cousin, backliner extraordinaire.”

            (…) “By blood?”

            Nicky laughed. “Don’t look it, right?”

I would like to point out that this is the first time a character genuinely laughs in this entire book. And we’re on page 22.

What a guy. I’m honoured to be his namesake (with minor spelling differences). Please don’t turn out to be an aggressive fuckwit as well please.

Some predictions on Nicky’s character:

- his kink is bein’ friendly and havin’ a good time

- drama kid

- g l i t t e r

- super open abt his sexuality, just loves love, essentially pansexual

- can fuck u up but does it nicely because he wants to support you and help you grow as a person

- would die for his friends (and dogs)

- essentially my headcanon courfeyrac from les mis okay shut up

Ahem. Moving on.

            “You have a nice car for someone who thinks he’s poor,” Neil said. (…)

            “Aaron’s mother bought it for us with her life insurance money,” Andrew explained.

Okay but - Aaron’s mother? What? Surely Aaron’s mother is Andrew’s mother as well if they’re twins?

I don’t believe this is lazy writing. What is going on there.

            “It’s not the world that’s cruel,” Neil said. “It’s the people in it.”

I don’t even want to know how many fangirls use this as their blog headline/Facebook status/moodboard caption/wrist tattoo.

            [Neil] was too busy staring at Aaron’s pants pockets. They were much too flat to be hiding a pack of cigarettes, but Neil had seen Aaron put the pack away before crossing the street at the airport.

Are you telling me Neil is too busy staring at Aaron’s ass (which is actually Andrew’s ass, spoiler alert) to notice when to walk into Wymack’s apartment because that might be the best thing that’s happened so far.

(Unless we’re talking about front pockets, in which case, nevermind).

And then this happens:

            “What was that all about?“

            Neil’s blood turned to slush. It wasn’t the words that got him but the language Nicky used. German was Neil’s second language thanks to three years spent living in Austria, Germany, and Switzerland.

GERMANY! The mothercountry! Land of beer, sausage, and superfluously-stocked hardware stores!

Now the only thing I can imagine is Aaron and Andrew as coldmirror’s Torsten und Torben. I’m not even sorry.

            “Team’s still split fifty-fifty on whether or not [Coach Wymack and Abby] are boning. Andrew refuses to vote, which means you’re the tiebreaker. Let us know ASAP. I’ve got money riding on it.”

To no one’s surprise, Nicky is Ultimate Shipping King. I love him more by the minute.

However, these short moments of glee are immediately overridden because this happens:

          Too late, Neil remembered Nicky’s exasperated accusion in the living room: “What the hell did you say to him, Andrew?” Neil had assumed Nicky was referring to their first meeting in Millport, but Nicky had been talking about the car ride from the airport. It wasn’t Aaron who picked Neil up from the airport after all.

WHAAAAAT.

I mean… this is the oldest twin trick in the book, really. What is this, the Parent Trap?

No kidding, I’d pay to see the Twinyards with ginger pigtails dressed in early 20s fashion.

Also, Twinyards!! How did I not see that before!! Thank you, fandom, for finding the punniest names for everything ever.

(If you’re wondering whether I’m still laughing over this name as I type this: I am.)

Apparently, Andrew has some serious anger management issues and enough court-regulated drugs in his system to kill a small child, effectively making him a hardcore drug addict against his will.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT. No, seriously, WHAT.

The angst just does not stop, you guys.

Also, Wymack is back!

#dicksoutforwymack

          Neil looked down at the key in his palm, at the security Wymack so easily and unquestioningly gave him. Maybe Neil wouldn’t get any sleep tonight, and amybe he’d spend the next couple weeks waking up every time Wymack snored a little too loud, but maybe Neil really was okay here for now.

Oh don’t mind me I’m just crying in the corner whilst stabbing myself with my own materialized emotions.

What. A. Dude.

On a last note: How sexual was the elevator scene. I can’t even quote anything or I’d need to just slap the entire thing here because dear god, the gay is not even subtle at all.

          Neil couldn’t anticipate Kevin. (…) But Andrew was just a psychotic midget, and Neil had grown up around violence. Handling him would be easy.

Two things:

1. 20 bucks says it’s not gonna be fucking easy ho boy

2. Maybe chill on the m word, my dude.

Ughhhh. Is it Sunday already?

[wingheadshellhead]

Hi, I love your blog! So I've been reading a lot of 616 stevetony lately, and I've noticed that in both canon and in a lot of fiction, Steve seems to really dislike Extremis (even before superior iron man). Why do you think that is? Even without looking at this with shipper goggles (which I always am), I think it's really strange that Steve has so much disdain for something that essentially saved one of his best friend's lives.

(THIS HAS TAKEN ME 5 BILLION YEARS BUT HERE IT IS FINALLY)

i used to be in the same boat and automatically assumed steve’s dislike of extremis was one of those fandom headcanon things that was so commonly accepted it’d basically become fact, but it’s really, actually, all 100% canon. but the comics that deal with it happen right before civil war so i think many ppl have simply forgotten or skipped over that part of tony’s timeline.

execute program is the 6-issue arc that comes right after extremis and it’s the main thing i tell everyone they have to read if they’re putting themselves thru the ringer that is 616′s civil war. it is so so important to understanding tony’s headspace and where he’s at before the events of civil war occur. 

READ EXECUTE PROGRAM. a) bc it’s absolutely crucial to tony’s side of civil war, b) the follow-through from the extremis arc is just… amazing, virtuosic. i really genuinely think it is a fascinating, excellently-written arc, c) when it gets gay it gets very gay. truST ME you do not need your shipper goggles for this at all bc guess which of the following things are canon: the sound of steve saying his voice being the only thing that snaps tony out of (likely a dissociative episode) trying to murder a villain that nearly kills peter, dyeing his hair blond when he’s going on the run, tony stopping his heart to save steve’s life. all of them !!! all canon !!!!!! 

extremis is, basically, terrifying. to the average human being, hell even the average superhuman. it’s p much unfathomable the sheer level/magnitude/scope of extremis. extremis allows tony to access and control any piece of technology on earth and even in earth’s atmosphere, he can hear satellites. it’s like having the singularity as a superpower. 

so part 1, iron man vol. 4 #7 (2006), opening issue and we have tony stopping a villain with lethal force, all while counting down the milliseconds and bidding on priceless artefacts.

now, avengers don’t kill. and tony doesn’t, he stops the man’s heart, then restarts it, basically performing defibrillation. 

and then we get this conversation: 

and after tony jets off leaving the new avengers to sort out the aftermath, we get this disturbing reminder:

a proper reread might prove me wrong but i don’t think the writers ever clarify whether this transformation in tony’s personality is due to extremis or outside manipulation (which is the culmination of execute program’s arc as i’ll go into in a bit). but when your brain is literally a machine and you Have Become more machine than human, this is the natural progression of tony’s humanity – the aspects of compassion, empathy, etc. – fading into the background to accomodate for extremis. 

extremis brings out everything about tony that steve (and possibly the world) fears most. it makes him cold and calculating, and with a brain like tony stark’s elevated by the superhuman capacity to think and react at the speed of a machine, he’s unstopppable.

part 2, iron man vol. 4 #8, we have tony nearly straight up burning a man alive for almost killing peter and laughing about it. 

he’s so deep in Destroy Mode that he doesn’t even register steve’s warning, and here i think he acts entirely out of instinct –– like extremis is thinking for him rather than his brain prompting him to do this. 

extremis is also the cause of tension between tony and the newly-formed new avengers (one of my favorite line-ups!!), he almost gets into a fight with logan and jessica has to break them up. it turns out tony is missing time in his memory, which is extremely worrying for someone w/ his level of power…

what’s so fascinating about extremis, and why we have so much to thank warren ellis for (the writer of the extremis arc), is that it is the perfect and the most logical climax of the modern iron man story. tony’s worst villain, as we’ve known since the very beginning really, has never been anyone else but himself. and in the case of extremis, it’s a highly technologically advanced version of himself that can do and be everything he’s ever dreamed of being able to achieve vs. him. 

the question extremis asks is at what cost? at what cost does technological advancement, bleeding-edge breakthroughs, and the spirit of human innovation come at? how far would tony go to become the Ideal version of himself that he sees as superior in every way? what would he sacrifice for that?

extremis represents basically the pinnacle of sci-fi tech in iron man comics, it’s why even god awful superior iron man used a 3.0 version of it as the foundation for tony’s sins. it’s the farthest point he’s ever reached, and it’s also the lowest in terms of the damage and fallout that comes from it. because ofc, tony stark can’t have nice things like this, but also bc the hubris + nature of extremis allowing its host to play god can’t exist without there being negative consequences. really b ad consequences. 

huge respect to danial & charles knauf, the authors of execute program, too, because they find a way to perfectly bring the arc full circle as ellis did with his extremis. the central villain plot revolves around ho yinsen’s son. the kid hacks extremis and uses it to control tony, sending him to subconsciously assassinate a bunch of people on his kill list, i.e. a list of all the men involved in yinsen’s death. i mean like, HOLY SHIT, an iron man plot where a literal ghost from tony’s past – a direct victim of events tony was involved in, the son of the man that sacrificed his life so iron man could be born and so tony stark could live – shows up, weaponises tony’s own body + technology and uses him to murder people who are scheduled to participate in a peace summit despite the blood on their hands and the human cost of their involvement in the weapons industry.

DRAWING PARALLELS BETWEEN YINSEN’S LIFE’S WORK AND TONY’S LIKE DEATH AND DYING WOULD BE KINDER. again bc of my memory or even regardless due to constant retcons + reruns of the iron man origin story, i don’t know if it’s ever been explicitly stated before that yinsen also got into the weapons industry in order to get the funding necessary to support his other revolutionary work. but his son literally conflates yinsen with tony here, blending them into one + the same with that final panel and it becomes very obvious that at least a small part of him blames father for entering into weapons design. if he hadn’t, he might never have been captured by the the terrorist group that wanted him and tony to build them missiles. 

also, yinsen + villains involving yinsen are a recurring theme in iron man history but can we talk abt the fact that tony has never ever let himself forget the man bc jesus christ

yinsen’s kid is killed by a SHIELD sniper, activating the dead man’s switch and unleashing all the peackeeping units tony built that are now compromised. now, tony’s no jean grey or wanda maximoff but if this arc shows anything it’s not to underestimate him bc intentional or not (lmao) if he put his mind to it there’s literally no limit to the damage he could do. 

we see various heroes fighting off the peacekeeping units, and the new avengers are at the peace summit fighting a hulkbuster. 

and here it is people !!! the 23989485th time tony kills himself so steve can live. 

JUST. THE LOOK ON HIS FACE. AND THEN THIS ABSOLUTE LACK OF HESITATION:

so, yes. extremis was traumatising for pretty much every single person involved. steve has extremely good reasons for HATING extremis, even in the early stages or even if a fic is taking place before the events of execute program.

if you read the full arc, you’ll see tony running himself into the ground with his new abilities (world’s greatest multitasker can now multitask 192483958 things at once? ofc he’s going to use and abuse and exploit that), you see him spiralling and losing his grip on reality (mainly because he’s actually having dissociative episodes and losing time due to being remotely controlled to assassinate ppl but also bc of the Effect extremis is having on him). i brought up wanda and jean earlier as a casual reference but like, to put it in that kind of perspective, people just weren’t made to have this much power.

on a smaller scale, apart from eating up all of tony’s time and attention and mental health in a really bad way, it just Distances him from everyone. especially from the team. it’s Isolating, having this much going on in his brain and no one else in the world to fully understand it. 

and on steve’s side, you also have the fact that tony’s genius is both one of the things he loves and lowkey resents most about him. he has this deep-set anxiety about tony with all his brilliance and intelligence leaving him behind in the dust, or worse, laughing at him and how outdated and dim-witted he is in comparison. this is steve’s version of tony’s “i’m never going to be good enough for him”, a sentiment summed up in a quote from him as early as tales of suspense vol. 2 (1995): “yes, tony stark, a man of today and tomorrow is the man i’ll never be.” he’s so afraid of being abandoned + alienated by tony’s mind and the future that tony’s worked so tirelessly to build that might render him irrelevant. he’s scared of a future where he has no purpose, but more or just as importantly, he’s scared of becoming obsolete in tony’s life, of not being needed by tony anymore. one of the things that endeared him so much to tony, and which laid the foundations of their lifelong friendship, was the fact that from Day One (1), tony made him feel At Home. he never let him feel ashamed or isolated as The Man Out Of Time, he actively worked to make steve feel comfortable and to give him the things he needed to acclimatise and to fit himself into this brave new world. 

extremis undoes all of that. it propels tony so far and so fast into the future that it makes tony untouchable to steve. all of the ‘i can hear satellites’ stuff renders steve helpless and even more out of his depth than usual. it presses all of steve’s secret buttons and then some.

to sum this all up, and to finish my extra rambling abt tony bc u asked me about extremis and i couldn’t not finish with this:

here we have, ladies and gentlemen, everything u need to understand abt tony going into civil war. and it’s not on any of the official civil war fucking reading lists which really pisses me off because whether or not they did it on purpose the knaufs basically wrote all of execute program as the perfect precursor and characterisation groundwork for an antebellum tony stark. 

a tony stark who was just very recently manipulated against his will into assassinating people and causing a world-threatening incident that could have resulted in the deaths of thousands, including his own friends and teammates (and the love of his life), is a very different tony stark to the one ppl see in civil war #1.

what happens in stamford was an accident, too. no one meant for that to happen. tony knows first fucking hand what that means and what it feels like to carry that responsibility and guilt. his position in civil war supporting the SHRA is not only to protect the potential lives that could be lost in another stamford incident but also to protect superhumans and superheroes from ever being exploited against their will by villains to kill and hurt and destroy. 

superheroes are inherently susceptible to being used, it’s just part of the narrative convention –– a superhero is brainwashed or mind controlled or otherwise forced against their will to do something awful. and even if it’s not their fault there needs to be  accountability  for the victims. both the victims that suffer directly because of superhuman incidents but also the superheroes that become victims of ppl who abuse their powers. it’s abt protecting superheroes not just from civilians but from themselves. and if u’ve read a single comic u kno that this kinda shit happens way too often and way too easily.

sO YE S T hIS iS W HY. AND IT Ex PL AINS SO MUC H AND i j UST WISH P PL WOULD GODDAMN REA D THIS. LIKE EVERYONE WHO EVER WANTS TO SAY ANOTHER A GODDAMN THING ABOUT TONY STARK IN CIVIL WAR NEEDS TO FIRST READ EXECUTE PROGRAM FIRST OR PAY ME $10

anyway…………… one last time, i’m so so so sorry this took forever to get to. hope the wait was worth it!

[sillylovestories]

My hero- A Jasper Hale Imagine

A/N: I hope you don’t mind but instead of a oneshot I turned it into an imagine with (Y/N) instead of Bella’s name. I took five requests in hopes for a longer more detailed imagine. Thank you all so much for your patience, I know you are all going to really like this. 

Request #1: Jasper x Bella oneshot, Bella meets Jasper as a kid post in the park and he helps her get home over the years he appears in her life comforting her and being nice , she thinks he’s an imaginary friend . She moves to forks Washington and sees him in school and she thinks she’s going crazy . But when she’s almost hit by Tyler’s truck he saves her and she realizes he’s real and it’s basically the first chapter of twilight rewritten with Jasper. Please


Request #2: Ok so I’m 15 and I still sometimes get really paranoid abt things being under my bed or something (ok it’s super embarrassing) but could u do an imagine abt like jasper coming to put his human mate to sleep and finding her really scared Bc she thinks there is a monster under her bed and then he checks and comforts her and tells her stories of his past life until she falls asleep? Thanks. Love ur blog g😍


Request #3: I’m so happy you’re still active. Do you still take requests? If so, could you write one where jasper saves the reader from a group of men? Kind of like when Bella was about to be attached in the second book. Maybe some angst, then some jasper fluff?


Request #4:Could you write a Jasper x reader imagine where it’s like super fluffy and sweet? I can’t seem to find a huge amount of love for my precious baby in the fandom and I need some! Please and thank you 😊


Request #5:Could you write something with jasper where he’s you’re mate, and you’re human, and he’s super protective over you, especially with men. 

______________________________________________________________

 I was four years old when my mother and father split up. It wasn’t a big deal to me. I couldn’t understand why my mother was crying all the time, sleeping all the time, instead of playing with me. 
One day, a Tuesday I believe, I wanted to go to the park, it was right around the corner from my house, I found my mom asleep as usual in her bed and nudged her awake. 


“Mommy.” I said. She didn’t budge. “Mommy!” She groaned.


“What is it (Y/N)?” She pushed her hair back and moved her face out of the pillow.


“I wanna go to the park.” I said. She replied with a yawn. 


“That’s fine honey.” I was elated to have the freedom to go somewhere by myself. I grabbed my Elmo back pack with a banana, a juice box, and my favorite stuffed elephant. 

I took off outside, walking briskly to the park. 
Eager to swing on the swing set and slide down the jungle gym. I followed the way through my neighborhood that my parents and I always walked, except, when I got to where I thought the park was, was an alley. I turned around and retraced my steps. Did I turn left? Or right? And which was was left again? I began to cry softly. I was lost. 

“Sweetheart, are you lost?” I heard a calm voice say behind me. I turned to see an older boy knelt beside me with the palest skin of anyone I had ever seen. I nodded my head. “Let’s get you back to your mommy and daddy okay?” He held my hand as we walked neighborhood to neighborhood until we saw my mother, frantically talking to the police officer in my front yard. 

 “There’s my mommy!” I pointed her out as we walked across the street. 
 “(Y/N)!” She shouted picking me up in her arms. I felt her tears on my cheek. 
 “She looked lost, I didn’t want anyone to take her, we walked a couple streets until she recognized her house.” The boy who brought me home said. 


“Thank you so much! Can we repay you?” My mother asked, he kindly shook his head and walked off. __________________________________________________________ After that incident my mother lost custody of me. I have been living with my father for thirteen years, and in that thirteen years I’ve moved to seven different schools. My father’s company involves him traveling to set up new offices around the United States. 

 “It’s the last one sweetie, I promise.” He said rubbing the back of my hair. “Couldn’t your last one be in Florida or somewhere warm?” I pulled my jacket tight across my chest in hopes to insulate my body. 

“Washington is great, we’re moving to a little town where everyone knows each other.” I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning my face against the cool window.

 The house we pulled up to was newly renovated and looked straight out of a home and garden magazine. My father must have been serious about moving because this house was unlike any other we have had before. When we pulled into the driveway my father smiled eagerly at me.

“I have one more surprise for you!” He hit the button attached to his sun visor to open the garage door and revealed a silver car with a big red ribbon on it. 

“For me?” I ask excitedly. I unbuckled my seat belt and exited my father’s car running over to the Nissan. He threw me the keys and walked into the gorgeous house. I tossed and turned all night and dreamed about the day I got lost thirteen years ago, I remembered the rescuer who took me home as if he was right here with me. It felt like he was in my room, I jolted awake in a sweat three minutes before my alarm would have went off. 

 I prepared myself for the cold Washington morning with a hot shower, I blow dried my hair and dressed in dark blue jeans, a black thermal shirt, and my turquoise north face rain coat. I brewed a pot of coffee for my father and I, put mine in a travel mug, and started off to school in my new car. I drove in through the bumpy parking lot of Forks high school and parked next to a jeep wrangler. I sat in my warm car looking at my phone, which had a picture of my schedule on it along with a map of the school. I felt eyes on me, I brushed it off as me just being new to school which I was used to. 

I decided to embark to class early to talk to my teacher. Walking in to room 213, Mr. Gilson’s History class, I was greeted by the smell of old history books and the teacher himself smelled of tobacco. I was told the only available spot was all the way in the back of the class, this should be fun. Since I was one of the few students in the room before school started, I took out my notebook and began doodling. I had been drawing so intently I didn’t even notice the students that had come in after me, sitting next to me was… I couldn’t believe it, no, it couldn’t be? Could it? The guy who brought me home when I was little? I know it’s impossible but I swear it looks just like him, platinum blonde locks with gorgeous golden eyes, we made eye contact for a few seconds before looking down at my desk. I turned bright red, I guess I forgot how cute he was too. 

This has happened before, it’s embarrassing but when I’m scared or anxious, I think about the young man who took me home that day. For example, walking home from middle school when we lived in Michigan the children would tease me. I felt as if I did not have a friend in the world, but one day I thought I saw him again, in the parking lot of a grocery store. It was like a guardian angel, or a security thought. I felt calm and safe when I imagined him watching over me.

I was standing next to my car waiting for my new friend Bella when I heard the high pitched screeching of tires from a car spinning out on the icy black top of the parking lot. To my luck it was headed right towards me. I was in shock, frozen, couldn’t move. I met the eyes of the driver, he had obviously lost control and was doing everything in his power to stop the sliding vehicle. The car was inches from me when I decided to move, but the ice was thick under my feet and I slipped. I felt a strong cold arm hold me up from hitting the pavement, I watched as his other hand pushed the car away from us, protecting me from the damage.

I looked up to my hero and wouldn’t you know it. It was him. From thirteen years ago, walking me home, to today, saving me from death I watched him as he walked away. That night all I could think about was what I was going to say to him, I couldn’t ignore the fact that thirteen years ago this man looked the same. I went over in my head how he possibly could have the strength to push a vehicle away with such force it left a dent. 

I didn't even remember him standing near me, I swear I would have remembered. The next day I was planning on confronting him. I walked into class early and found him sitting in his seat with perfect posture. 

“Ok, I need an explanation.” He looked at me curiously. “I know you, and you know me. What I don’t know is how you’ve managed to stay seventeen for the past thirteen years.” He chuckled. 


“You’ve got the wrong guy, darlin’.” 


“No, I know it was you.” I stated.


“You must have hit your head when you fell yesterday, you shouldn’t even be here today.” He replied. I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair as I scribbled furiously in my note book. ___________________________________________________________ 

Bella and I planned on exploring the surrounding counties in Washington, there was some book store she wanted to go to in port Angeles. Bella picked me up at a quarter to five in her rusted up red truck. I hopped in the cab of her truck and closed the squeaky door.


“You know Bella, I have a car we can take.” I said smiling.


“Don’t hate on the truck, (Y/N).” She replied. We parked on the complete opposite side of where the book store was. “I swear the map said it was right around the corner.” Bella repeated scrolling through pictures on her phone. We finally arrived at the book store which was actually pretty interesting. 

 About an hour after browsing the book shop Bella’s phone rang. The shop owner gave her a dirty look as Bella walked out of the store to answer her phone. My fingers trailed over the book spines, titles such as ‘The Cold Ones Stories and Tales’, 'Wolf Prophecies’, and 'Vampyre Myths’. 

Bella hastily ran back in and told me Charlie’s friend had been murdered by some animal and Charlie wasn’t taking it well. 

“Go ahead, I’ll take a bus home it’s no problem, I want to look around more.” She thanked me profusely as she bolted out to her truck. After spending an hour in this store I felt compelled to make a purchase, “Vampyre Myths sounds fun.” I said to myself, I walked up to the annoyed clerk and paid for my book. My stomach grumbled, I walked around until I found a map stand of the area.

I looked at the surrounding stores and restaurants, they were either too pricy for me or closed at this hour. I decided to just walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus going towards Forks. 

 Once I sat on the cold bench next to the bus sign I opened my book, I read all about the pale vampires who burned in daylight, who lure beautiful women to their death by their amazing beauty, their ice cold skin, bright crimson eyes, and uncontrollable thirst. I heard the sound of an aluminum can hit the pavement in front of me, I jumped a bit and looked to where it was thrown from, there was a group of young men staggering towards me, loud and obnoxious. 

 I looked in the distance to see if there were any busses coming and there weren’t. I decided to walk back towards the shops to see if I could wait somewhere when they caught up with me. 

 “Hey beautiful,” one of them chanted “where you going so fast?” He asked with slurred speech. Before I knew it they surrounded me I tried to push through but they were too strong.

One of them held my arms while another tried to take my pants off. I was trying to kick them off of me when suddenly they were pulled from me. I fell to the ground landing on my hands, which of course scraped on the hard cement. I looked up to see the man who, again, saved me from harm. 

He was picking the guys off one by one, making it look effortless. Once he punched two of them, the rest fled. He turned to me and held his hands out to help me up, I grabbed his pale cold hands and stood up staring at his dark black eyes. Dark black eyes? What happened to the golden spheres I knew and loved?


He looked down at his hand that had spots of blood on it from my scraped hands, I grabbed my sleeve and quickly wiped it off. 

 “What’s your name?” I asked.


“Jasper Hale, ma'am.” He replied with a soft smirk. He flattened his shirt as if he was a soldier who just dismantled his horse. 


“Thank you for saving me, again, Jasper Hale.” 


“Can I give you a ride home?” He asked, his car was still running with the driver door ajar. I nodded and watched as Jasper bent over and grabbed the book that I had dropped. He laughed in amusement. "Some light reading?" He asked handing the book to me. I blushed and walked to his car. He opened the passenger door for me as I stepped in. 

 We drove in silence for three minutes, I decided to break the ice. 

 “Jasper?” He looked over at me briefly. “Tell me the truth, that was you, when I was four, wasn’t it?” Jasper looked out the window at someone walking on the side of the road, I heard a low growl from his throat as he pulled over and exited the car. 


I realized the man was one from the bus stop who attacked me. I followed him out of the car and tried to grab his hand but he strongly pulled away and grabbed the man’s shoulder. He muttered something to the man who turned around in horror. I saw Jasper pull his arm back in order to punch him when I forcefully grabbed his waist back towards me, the man ran from Jasper.


“Why did you do that?” He asked angrily turning towards me.


“He is not worth it.” I said, realizing my arms were still around his waist. For a minute we stood there staring into each other’s eyes before Jasper cupped my face softly and leaned in to me crashing his lips on mine. I could smell his cologne, cedar and a hint of cinnamon. 

 “It was me all those years ago.” He said. My face lit up, “I know what your next question is, I’m just going to tell you. I’m a vampire.” His tone was stern. I was confused, but it had to be true, how else could he explain his eternal youth? I remembered the description of vampires from the book I purchased: pale, cold, red eyes. 


“You don’t have red eyes?” I asked. He laughed in amusement. 


“I don’t drink human blood, I hunt animals, mountain lion, deer, stuff like that.” I can’t lie, I was worried. What would happen if I would make him angry one day? Would he snap and destroy me? Drain my blood for an afternoon snack? I hated thinking like that but how else are you supposed to think when someone tells you they are a vampire? 
“Please don’t worry, I would never hurt you, or let anything happen to you. I promise.” His voice sounded like silk I melted into him and turned McIntosh red. 
“Now let’s get you home.” He said leading me to his car. ___________________________________________________________

 As soon as I got home I kicked my shoes off, I was going to take a shower but once I sat down on my plush bed I didn’t have the strength to get back up, I kicked off my jeans and stripped out of my shirt only leaving me in a purple camisole and black panties. 

I curled up under my blankets and quickly fell asleep. My slumber did not last long, I woke up at three forty six from hearing a strange noise. I genuinely was scared. It sounded like something under my bed was moving, a box or a bag maybe. I didn’t have the confidence to get up so naturally I needed to be rescued. 

 'Hey are you around?’ I texted Jasper. I felt my heart rate rise as I heard the ringing of silence in my ears and then, 


'What’s the matter, darling?’ He replied, I let out a deep breath.


'I heard a noise from under my bed, I know it sounds silly but I can’t move.’ I sent, within seconds he answered,


'Give me five seconds.’ And true to his word Jasper appeared at my window in a little less than a minute. He was able to shimmy the window open from the outside and climb in. 

He touched my shoulder and gently kissed my forehead as he knelt beside my bed. I heard a laugh out of him as he went to turn the light on. 


“It’s just this little guy looking for warmth.” He said holding a small gray mouse in his hand. I leapt up to the opposite side of the room. 


“He needs to go back outside!” I raised my voice, Jasper walked over to the window and made sure the little mouse got outside okay. He turned towards me and immediately turned his head away.

 “What’s wrong?” I asked. 


“Well, uhm, you’re naked.” I looked down realizing I was not properly dressed I grabbed my robe quickly dressing myself in it. 


“You’re not exactly presentable either, Mr. Hale.” I strutted over to him and pointed to his jeans that were unbuttoned. 


“Oh yeah well it is four in the morning I thought you were being attacked.” He joked, I giggled and hugged him tightly.


“My hero.” I whispered. 


“I’m fixing that window tomorrow, anyone could come in through there.”


“You mean anyone could climb up the side of my house and open the window from the outside?” I raised my eyebrows, “Don’t you dare fix it.” I still felt uncomfortable so I asked him to stay with me until I fell asleep.


“Jasper?” I whispered half asleep resting my face on his chest as we lay on my small bed. I inhaled the sent on his clothes, it was the same cedar smell I smelled when he kissed me earlier. 


“Yes, sugar?” 


“Will you tell me about what your life was like, before you were a vampire?” I felt embarrassed just asking, in case there was something he didn’t want to talk about. 


“I was seventeen,” he began, clearing his throat, “I lied about how old I was in order to fight in the war.” I looked up at him

.
“Which war?” I asked pulling the covers over my shoulder. 


“The Civil War.” He responded, his lips curling into a smile. “I was the youngest major in the Texas Calvary.” 


“Texas? That explains your accent.” I giggled tiredly.


“Accent?” His head tilted curiously.


“It’s not thick, but it comes out when you say certain words, like 'ma'am’, 'sugar’, 'darlin”.“


"Yeah well I guess some things you can’t shake. I was on my way back from Galveston when I saw three women who looked as if they needed help, they used me for their own vampire army.” He looked uncomfortable. 

I draped my arm on his stomach and buried my face in his arm. He stroked my hair and continued on about life in the civil war, and about how he misses Texas. I dreamed of our future, me white haired while Jasper remains the perfect embodiment of the teenager he is. I jolted awake to find he was gone. There was a folded up piece of notebook paper on my nightstand, in the most perfect handwriting wrote: 

 'Forks Movie Cinema, 3pm. X - Jasper' ________________________________________________________

I brushed out my (Y/H/C) hair and dressed in a cute but comfortable outfit including black leggings with silver studs on the sides, and a long sleeved gray shirt with a maroon colored cardigan. 

 I must have been too excited because I left my house without checking the time, by the time I arrived at the theater it was only two fifteen. What to do for forty five minutes? I walked in to Forks Movie Cinema and checked out all the movies that were showing. 

I saw a cluster of video games by the bathrooms so I went to test my luck. My favorite old school video game was PAC-Man. And believe it or not they had it. I threw a quarter into the machine and started chomping away at cherries and ghosts. 

I made it three levels before being killed by a ghost. I let out a sigh and heard a chuckle from behind me, I turned and saw a tall man with dark brown hair staring at me with arms crossed. 

 "Oh I'm sorry did you want to play?" I asked stepping away from the machine. He shook his head. 

"No I like watching. Say, what's a pretty girl like you doing here all alone?" His grin widened as he stepped towards me. 

 "What makes you think she's alone?" I heard Jasper's stern voice come from behind him. Jasper came over and wrapped his arm around my waist tightly, almost hard enough to bruise me. The man rolled his eyes, 

"sorry, baby." He winked at me as he walked away. I felt Jasper go to move towards him but I quickly pulled him into a kiss.

 "My hero." I giggled. 

"Lets go, Darlin'"

[touristguidebuzz]

Violent Attacks Push European Tourism to Extremes

French riot police patrol on the Champs Elysees boulevard, with the Arc de Triomphe in background, in Paris. Christophe Ena / Associated Press

Skift Take: Turkey, Egypt and Tunisia have all been devastated by terror attacks in recent years and they are all well down on their previous highs. The reluctance of tourists to visit is having unintended consequences while other destinations such as Barcelona are experiencing a boom.

— Patrick Whyte

One week before the UK Prime Minister triggered her country’s departure from the European Union, and less than two weeks before our inaugural Skift Forum Europe, we launched a series of four stories devoted to Resetting Transatlantic Travel.

One of our 2017 Megatrends called this year one of reckoning for European tourism. With the pending departure of the UK from the EU, the growth of low-cost carriers like Norwegian Air, multiple violent acts in major European cities, and the rise of neo-isolationism in the United States and some European countries, it’s indeed a year of large-scale shifts for the most popular region in the world for tourism.

Our third story looks at how violence in and around Europe is changing the market and the impact it is having on certain countries.

When Nick Wrightman, a tour operator with almost 30 years’ experience in Turkey was travelling through the southern city of Marmaris last year, he was struck by how few people there were.

The area enjoys a hot Mediterranean climate, has plenty of hotels, and is a relatively good value: It should have been heaving with tourists from all over Europe. The same pattern could be seen all over the country – 2016 was a very, very bad year for tourism in Turkey.

“We’ve got properties in the Bozburun Peninsular [and] you sometimes have to go through Marmaris to get to it. That’s why I noticed that it was much quieter last year,” he said.

Turkey is in the middle of a tourism slump. According to official figures from the Ministry of Culture and Tourism, the number of foreign visitors fell by 30 percent to 25.4 million. The decline can largely be explained by violence and other geopolitical factors. A series of attacks — some of which have killed tourists — over the past couple of years have put off many people about going to the country.

Turkey is not alone in this respect. Countries popular with tourists such as Egypt and Tunisia have been targeted as have European cities such as Paris, London, and Berlin. Fear and uncertainty are reshaping the landscape, at least on a temporary basis, which is turning some places into ghost towns, while others are dealing with altogether different consequences.

Overtourism in action

People cool off at Sant Sebastia and Sant Miquel beaches in Barceloneta neighborhood in Barcelona, Spain, August 16, 2015. REUTERS/Albert Gea

The Spanish city of Barcelona is suffering a very different problem than Marmaris, Turkey. Cheap flights and the total package of beaches, mountains and culture have helped it become one of Europe’s tourism hotspots. This winning combination resulted in 9.1 million tourists staying in the city’s hotels in 2016 – a 9.2 percent increase on the previous year.

In the peak summer months La Rambla, the 1.2 kilometer thoroughfare that runs all the way to the sea, is packed from morning well into the evening with bars and restaurants selling overpriced sangria to tourists happy to be part of the crowd.

“In terms of tourists, I think in Barcelona, for the last three years we have had a new record every year,” said Guillermo Gaspart, the founder of micro hotel stay company ByHours, which is based in the city.

The statistical increase is also born out in Gaspart’s own experience.

“It’s more busy than usual but at the same time if you are walking around La Rambla today you can see for example that there are a lot of police. Even the though we haven’t received any kind of terrorist attack, we are at the maximum alert here in Barcelona.”

Gaspart calls some of tourists “borrowed,” in the sense that they might not have come to Barcelona had it not been for problems elsewhere.

Most other cities can only look on enviously at Barcelona’s ability to keep on drawing the crowds and, although we can’t know the motivations of each individual tourist, it seems likely to have benefited from the reluctance of some to travel to areas that have experienced violent attacks in the recent past.

But this continuing popularity is causing overtourism problems in Barcelona.

“Every day this discussion is bigger in Barcelona between locals and people doing business with tourists… because it’s not only the hotels… it’s taxis, shops, it’s everything that’s taking advantage of tourists,” Gaspart said.

Although the city obviously benefits from the spending that comes from millions of foreign tourists, the question of how it is managed has become a huge issue.

Around 18 months ago a group of neighbourhood associations came together to form the Assemblea de Barris per un Turisme Sostenible (ABTS) to facilitate the change they thought was necessary.

“What we do is mainly we criitcize and denounce and try to find and put on the table alternatives to the touristic model we have in the city right now and [that we’ve had] for a long time,” said Daniel Pardo a member of the organization..

For the ABTS it’s not simply the number of tourists, it’s the “conflicts created by mass tourism” in neighbourhoods across the city. Residents are being displaced by hotels and alternative accommodation providers. The shops that may be more use to locals are being swapped for ones aimed at tourists, and these new stores “are obviously useless for everyday life,” Pardo said.

There’s also the problem of what to do with waste from this mass consumption.

The protests earlier this year and the general movement is not a vendetta against tourists but part of a bigger issue.

“This is something that is not usually well understood by some media, which is the conflict is not neighbours/tourists it is city/tourism industry and it is a conflict between public interest and private interests,” he said.

At the moment the associations have the support of the city’s mayor, Ada Colau, who doesn’t want the city to become a cheap souvenir shop aimed just at tourists. She is driving a campaign to ensure that the money raised from tourism actually benefits locals.

The €1.2 million ($1.3 million) dividend from Barcelona’s tourism tax is being used to lay on extra buses during the busy summer months and improvements will also be made to squares in Gràcia and the Collserola Natural Park.

Not everyone in Spain is keen to talk up the problems associated with overtourism.

The country’s tourism minister Álvaro Nadal referred it it as “tourismphobia” and said it was only found in two places: the Balearic Islands and Barcelona.

“I think that Spain has always been a very open country, let me say this to you. We always pride ourselves on being good hoists. That’s why tourism is so important in Spain, not only because our supply has quality and our prices are very good… but also because in the mood of the people is this openness to all foreigners,” he said.

“So I would say that I don’t feel right thinking about this phenomenon of tourismphobia I think its something that should go down. I hope this is more or less something that will pass over with time. But in the meantime we have to work in order to make more attractive the idea of tourism. “

Spain’s popularity is nothing new. Northern Europeans have been flocking to the Mediterranean coast since the 1950s – it is just that it in recent years it had more competition. But violent attacks elsewhere have driven up the demand.

Empty hotels

Tunisian police officers guarding Imperial Marhaba hotel during visit of top security officials of Britain, France, Germany and Belgium in Sousse, Tunisia, in 2015. (AP Photo/Darko Vojinovic, File)

Violent attacks and the wall-to-all news coverage that invariably follows — typically labeling them as terrorism when they hit Europeans or Americans — have dealt a brutal blow to the tourism industries of many countries in and around North Africa and the Middle East.

Despite the worries associated with the Arab Spring, which started in Tunisia in late 2010, the country was steadily growing its tourism industry by offering a cheaper alternative to Southern European destinatinations.

French, Germans, Italians and British travelers were flocking to its beaches in increasing numbers. Two attacks – one at a museum and one at a beach — in the space of just over three months in 2015 killed 60 people, most of whom were tourists. Following the second in Sousse, tour operators decided they couldn’t take the risk anymore and largely pulled the plug.

The latest government figures show that between January and September last year Tunisia booked $750 million in tourism receipts, down 8.4 percent on the previous year and 34.1 percent on 2014.

Although arrival numbers have risen slightly, the total is still down on previous years. Things are even worse for Turkey and Egypt, both of which were reliant on European tourists.

According to Euromonitor International, arrivals (not just Europeans) are down year-on-year in both Turkey and Egypt and although Tunisia has bounced back slightly, its 2016 total is way down on 2013.

“It’s well-documented that there is just obviously for mostly geopolitical [and] terrorism reasons there are countries like Egypt, Tunisia, Turkey which have been hard hit. And obviously good alternatives especially for Europeans who go to these countries is to go to other countries, which offer a similar product especially Spain, that’s perfromed very well because it offers [a] similar relatively cheap beach destination experience. Spain, Italy, Greece have been performing relatively well,” said Wouter Geerts, senior travel analyst at Euromonitor.

Not only has Egypt suffered from tourists shunning its Red Sea beach resorts but cultural tourism to Cairo and Nile cruising have also declined.

The suspected bombing of Metrojet Flight 9268 in October 2015 led many European governments to ban flights from Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt. Gradually these were lifted with only two countries retaining the ban to this day. One of these is Russia, where the majority of the 224 passengers killed were from, the other is the UK. There is no ban on travel to Cairo and Luxor in the UK but the perception because of the headlines generated by the Sharm el Sheikh ban is that the country is unsafe.

Across Europe there is no coordinated approach to deciding if a country is safe for tourists to visit. That’s why occasionally you get the seemingly contradictory approach taken by a pan-European company like TUI Group, which may offer holidays from certain countries but not others. This is normally because insurance policies are voided if a country’s government says it is unsafe to travel.

Philip Breckner, is the commercial director at small specialist tour operator Discover Egypt, and he believes the country’s reputation at least in the UK is being tarnished by the flight plan to Sharm el Sheikh.

“We get people that call up and say ‘are the Nile cruises operating or have they started operating again’ and we say ‘well they’ve never stopped operating’,” he said.

Brits and Russians might be absent but it is not all bad news, according to Breckner.

“Egypt has been booming in the last few months with tourism from other counties primarily from the east: China, India [as well as] some other European countries, all of which have reintroduced tourism to Sharm el Sheikh.

“On the Nile cruise that we operate there are weekly and regular American groups on board. Usually the Americans are deterred by these things but they’re still traveling.”

City targets

It isn’t just counties in the Middle East and North Africa that have had their tourism industries devastated by violence targeted for maximum media impact. Several European cities have suffered their own attacks in recent years.

France has been hit multiple times, most notably with the coordinated strikes in November 2015, which left 130 people dead, including 89 at the Bataclan theatre, while more than 80 people were killed in an attack in Nice in July 2016. Brussels and most recently London have suffered too.

According to hotel research company STR, each market has been affected differently and the level of subsequent disruption largely comes from the severity of the attack.

“We’re seeing now that the way a hotel market reacts to an attack really does depend on the severity,” said Thomas Emanuel, STR’s director of business development. “Of course, any time innocent lives are lost or people are injured, it’s tragic. But this most recent attack in London and even the December attack in Berlin have not had much of an impact on hotel performance.

“When there is a larger number of casualties, as was the case in Nice, Brussels and Paris over the past two years, it takes a longer duration without additional incidents for tourism confidence to grow. This is also what we’ve noticed in Istanbul, as it remains to be seen when the market will be deemed a safe destination again.”

Violence is an issue across Europe but historically it is at a lower level than through much of the 20th century. The difference is perhaps that the targets have changed and that 24-hour rolling news coverage as well as social media manage to magnify everything.

“It’s not specifically going after tourists but just places where tourists are likely to be. So places like transport hubs, airports [like in the] Brussels attack. Again where tourists are moving through, although they aren’t a specific target…” said Jesper Cullen, a senior analyst covering Europe and Sub-Saharan Africa at Risk Advisory Group.

What happens next?

Europeans, especially those in the north of the continent, are loath to give up their annual two weeks in the sun. What violence and other geopolitical problems do, is cause a recalibration with tour operators — and subsequently tourists — moving elsewhere.

Thomas Cook has added capacity in smaller destinations such as Bulgaria and Croatia to replace others that have fallen out of favour and rival TUI Group has made a similar move.

The problem for Turkey, Tunisia and Egypt is exacerbated by the fact that the issues, however old, are still getting an airing.

The beach attack in Tunisia, which took place in 2015, was in the news again during a long-running inquest into the deaths of the thirty Britons killed. The country is effectively still a no-go zone because of advice from the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

Egypt too still has its problems. Israeli authorities warned of a possible attack on tourists over the Passover holiday just last month. Turkey’s problem is slightly different, stemming instead from the growing power of President Erdogan, in what seems to be an increasingly divided country.

“The attacks that are happening in Turkey have definitely had an impact and you also had the coup and we’ll have to see how the referendum, that Erdogan just won, if that’s going to have any impact on how the country’s being governed and ruled and if that has on impact on how open it is to tourism,” said Euromonitor’s Geerts.

“But its likely that Turkey remains open for tourism because it is a very important part of their economy and the question is just how well they are responding to the attacks that have been happening and also the question especially with Turkey is how do people perceive the attacks.

“And is there a case especially with Turkey where people are getting used to them a bit more and it is becoming part of the decision making process when you decide to go to Turkey that you know that there are attacks but that those attacks tend to be in the major cities and the beach resorts might be relatively safer and therefore you might still be able to go to say Antalya, Alanya places like that.”

In Europe the vacation season is still young with most people, not heading off until June, July and Augusts and Wrightman remains hopeful that there could be a recovery.

His own business, The Discerning Collection, which focuses on the upmarket end of travel, is on a par with last year but that is still down on previous highs.

“I think it’s going to be slightly better this year than last year. I can see what Thomas Cook and Jet2 are doing purely by the number of aircraft they’ve got going into Dalaman so thats a good indication, the same with Monarch. I can only judge that by the number of aircraft��going and because they’re quite busy.

“So if you look now actually at trying to get a high season flight to Dalaman for example, [it’s] quite expensive. So it seems to have sold. I suspect and I’m pretty sure from my bookings alone that it’s going to be busier than last year.”

This is the third in a series of stories called Resetting Transatlantic Travel. Articles include:

Part one: The European Union’s impact on travel Part two: The business of transatlantic flying Part three: Violence and European travel habits Part four: Neo-Isolationism and transatlantic tourism