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nazuna-tunnel-vision · 2 years ago

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Izumi/Nazuna propaganda post

in celebration of the IzuNazu in Nazuna's FS2 4*, here’s a quick rundown on their relationship!

they haven't gotten much attention since Tennis Club no longer exists, but Izumi & Nazuna are so wholesome and funny please join me in my izunazu brainrot

The Basics: Tennis Club

Izumi & Nazuna were in separate classes in their 3rd year, but in the same Tennis Club with Tori & Yuu-kun. Izumi joined just to see Yuu-kun, but this simply resulted in Yuu-kun skipping every now and then to avoid Izumi. When Izumi doesn’t get to play with Yuu-kun, he bullies Tori instead. Tori is screaming and throwing hissy fits. He's trying to order people around, but this fails because Izumi is equally self-centred and orders him right back (Izumi also succeeds. He enjoys making Tori run after stray balls). Yuu-kun is too busy screaming and running from Izumi. Nazuna’s the captain because none of the rest can do that job. He has his hands full trying to manage the two huge egos that are Izumi & Tori, plus Makoto's anxiety. The club is always on the verge of exploding. Read Doctor’s Coat.

That said, Izumi & Nazuna are still good friends! You can see this in how they call each other; it's very in line with how they address every one else they consider friends. Nazuna calls Izumi "Izumi-chin" and Izumi calls him "Nazunyan". Which is the CUTEST nickname Izumi has given ever. Explodes my mind every time.

But anyway, the thing that explodes my mind the most regarding IzuNazu is: Nazuna's ex-Valk grievances and how it factors into their relationship.

Starfes is the story for this.

Izumi defends Nazuna when Shu is going on a bitter ex tangent, saying something like "If you think that of Nazunyan, then you really never knew him at all." He reveals that Nazuna talks to him about his feelings on ex-Valk.

I just. grips head. Its been noted multiple times that before their 3rd year, Nazuna and Izumi were rarely ever spotted without Shu or Leo respectively by their side (and Nazuna barely talked at all). Which means that they weren't friends during The War and Izumi didn’t personally see all that ex-Valk shit go down by Nazuna’s side. Nazuna had to have willingly told Izumi about it after the fact.

And it wasn't just like, Nazuna exploding one day and just venting to Izumi. It seems like an ongoing thing and Izumi truly does care and is very invested in this. Another IzuNazu moment in Starfes - Izumi voice: "Oh, Valkyrie is having problems? Psh, don't care, Nazunyan and Naru-kun’s problems aren’t my problem. (in the same breath) Let’s go help them.”

I just think it's so gnhrhghrng that Izumi cares so much about Nazuna and his hang-ups about Valkyrie. And it's really nice that Nazuna has someone like this to talk to, especially since his social circle is basically:

juniors (have to keep the reliable Niichan persona in front of them, can't tell them about his problems)

his classmates - Oddballs (Shu's friends and also probably wouldn't sit still enough to listen, and would speak in a language Nazuna can't understand), Leo (aliens on brain) and Kuro (Nazuna's friend but is also Shu's friend)

The ex-valk thing gets more insane because ShuNazu parallels IzuLeo.

When Izumi is defending Nazuna or criticising Shu in Starfes, he's really talking about himself and Leo. Leo is right beside them as it happens, and even he goes, "Wahaha Sena I'm getting hit by stray bullets here!" And wow. When you think about it, they really are similar.

Nazuna and Izumi being put on pedestals of beautiful, perfect beings that the Oddbal candidates and geniuses, Shu & Leo, put their whole energies, hopes and dreams into. Them feeling truly beautiful and worthy for the first time in their lives because of the other. Even though they've been called cute/beautiful many times before high school, and in fact joined Yumenosaki's idol course because of their cute/beautiful appearance.

Things falling apart, and Nazuna and Izumi failing to be there for their best friend of 2 years. Them consequently beating themselves up for it. Having extremely complicated feelings towards their ex-friends where they strongly resent the person and hurt each other whenever they meet. And yet beating themselves up, wishing the other well, and looking back onto their shared pasts with fondness and nostalgia.

Here, take these 3 screenshots that just make me go insane every time. First two are Nazuna POV, I think from Human Comedy and Starfes. The 3rd is Izumi's, from Lionheart.

Do you think they have crying sessions over their exes during Tennis Club whenever their juniors fail to show up? I do! !!! Here’s a fic someone wrote about this exact dynamic that made my head explode.

And then just the way IzuNazu are casually mean to each other but never in a way that the other really minds.

Their interactions in ! are genuinely so funny because Nazuna will see Izumi in the corridor and when Izumi opens his mouth, Nazuna will say as a greeting, “Wow Izumi-chin your personality is horrible as usual! anyway,"

and Izumi doesn’t even say anything back?? If it were with Knights, Izumi would definitely say excuuuuuse me I’m literally perfect? But no, here Izumi just lets Nazuna off the hook. Go be the bitchy person you are inside, Nazunyan, fly high! Izumi just keeps quiet and lets the conversation continue as if Nazuna just said hi like a normal person instead.

You have to keep in mind that in !, Nazuna was nice to everybody except Shu. Yes he's even nice to Eichi. He’s mean only to 1. Itsuki Shu (ex) or 2. Izumi-chin (bestie from club and the class next door). Eventually in !! this mean part of him becomes integrated in his main persona, but definitely not while he was in high school! Congrats Izumi-chin you're privy to this part of Nazuna before he felt confident enough to show it to everyone. Drives me insane thinking about how safe Izumi must've made Nazuna feel in order for this to happen. I think it’s sweet that even while in school, there was at least one person that Nazuna could be a bit like his real self around.

I think part of why this could happen is because Izumi is an expert at being bitchy, of course he understands and doesn't really mind. It's like breathing to him; he's not going to judge others for it! Izumi also does this with Arashi - he doesn't get shocked or judge Arashi when she's being mean and petty. But unlike with Nazuna, Izumi frequently calls her a rude brat (to her face, might I add).

I might be stretching a little here, but imo it's because he knows Arashi can take a few hits while Nazuna is just. really in the midst of desperately rebuilding himself from scratch at this point of time. Part of Nazuna's charm in his third year is how he truly overcompensated for and overemphasised his nii-chan persona. He takes offense and is incredibly offended whenever someone mistakes him for a junior. You cannot go a single conversation without him reminding you that he's a reliable Nii-chan and will look after you if you ever need help. He proceeds to trip over his words the next second and makes a fuss about it. Nazuna in his third year is clearly very insecure, and I think Izumi is really considerate about that. I think he doesn’t call Nazuna out when Nazuna acts contrary to the role model nii-chan persona because that would shatter the illusion and sense of self that Nazuna is trying to build up. And I think that consideration, of never directly pointing out how Nazuna isn't really the Role Model Nii-chan he makes himself out to be, gives Nazuna a safe space to really be his more authentic and abrasive self. Cries a fucking river.

(That said, Izumi probably doesn't speak up also because he has enough self-awareness to know that when Nazuna calls him rude, he’s just stating the truth, orz.)

Izumi's side of the friendly bullying is also hilarious because he just feels completely entitled to terrorising Nazuna’s juniors to get info out of him. In Judgement, there’s a scene where they got info on Knights Killers really quickly and like. Basically Izumi bullied Makoto until Nazuna spilled “because he’s a pushover”. He knows Nazuna will give in without retaliation, 100% success rate. He is correct. Izumi knows his friends well.

But Izumi doesn't just assume that Nazuna will be a softie all the time and Knows where the line is. He knows what will cause Nazuna to go rabid.

In Reloaded, where Tomoya and Izumi get handcuffed together by accident, Tomoya says “it’ll be embarrassing if Niichan saw us like this but I’m sure he’ll understand if we explain!” Izumi immediately replies with “NO NO HE WON’T LISTEN”. He is absolutely correct. Nazuna sets a horde of zombies on them and they only escape by leaving the country altogether.

Izumi just understands the contours of Nazuna’s unhingedness that well! He knows what will set Nazuna off and he knows how Nazuna's mind would work. They’re besties. I just think it's really sweet how Izumi knows Nazuna well enough to push him, and also when he has crossed the line.

And last but not least, we have Nazuna’s 4* FS2 story. They're just hanging out with nothing serious going on here but gnhh. Highlights:

Izumi sees Nazuna flopped over on the couch and scolds him for not sitting properly. (mom friend lol.)

"Izumi-chin'll get mad if I tell you why I've been sitting here the past hour" "No I won't" "...I was playing games on my phone and accidentally skipped breakfast." "Of course I'd get mad about that! 😡😡"

“I’m not going to download your game.” “You can make a Mako-chin avatar with it and dress him up however you want." Izumi spends the next hour making a Makoto avatar on his new account.

Nazuna promising to tell Izumi about new items whenever Izumi is back in Japan. Nazuna enabling Izumi to externalise his Mako-chin behaviour in a way that doesn’t actually inconvenience Makochin. IzuNazu gaming buddies!!!

There’s actually also the Midnight Butlers story but I wasn’t into enstars when it was released and I can’t find anything about it now :( rip it would've been funny to see the extent to which !! era Nazuna, who has embraced his inner derangedness, is willing to hold Izumi back from harrassing Makoto. Maybe he would've enabled Izumi, within reason. idk.

In conclusion, IzuNazu besties who respect each other, both with respect to their Problems with Leo/Shu and as people they can be mean to / somewhat unhinged around without the other judging or feeling hurt. They're so unexpectedly soft and wholesome, while staying true to their naturally abrasive personalities. I love them. Thank you for reading this longass essay! Please consider them venting and crying during tennis club and just generally being mean to each other.

#enstars #rambles #nazusena #izunazu #nazuna #izumi #i am so normal about them!!!#(has never been normal about nazuna nito ever)#i spent like 3hrs on this during exam season and then promptly forgot abt it orz #but like fr theyre just so. theyre so frequently mean to each other but like. like not in any way that rly matters #and the whole shit w their exes oh my goddddd drives me insane

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fandom-go-round · 4 years ago

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Trying Again: Reader x Prowl

Warnings: Heavy Angst in the Beginning, Relationship Troubles, Canon Typical Prowl Being an Ass, Talk to Physical Pain to Leave a Relationship (bond breaking)

You knew that loving him would be hard. You knew the risks. Everyone had warned you but you had shaken them off, insisting that you knew him and it wasn’t going to end that way. You try to find that confidence now, staring at the mirror and finding nothing.

You’re tried. Mentally, physically, emotionally; your bond mate hasn’t returned to your suite in cycles and you debate if you should go find him. Prowl will be where he always is; up to his audios in paperwork and battle plans. If it’s not that he’s in a meeting or on his way to do one of his other duties. Or planning something.

This is the idea that has you venting, reaching to grab a small polish cloth. Prowl plans and there’s nothing you can do about it. You know some of it, he can’t completely block your bond, but he’s good about only letting certain details through. You begin to gently rub your face, getting rid of the dirt of the day. Your optics are dim and you know you should have some energon before recharge but it’s too much effort to go to the mess hall.

Prowl probably hasn’t refueled either. The thought makes you scowl and start to pace, the cloth twisting in your grip. He’s a grown mech, he should be able to take care of himself! You shouldn’t have to treat him like a sparkling. He should know his own limits. You shouldn’t have to check in on him and make sure he’s still alive and getting along with everyone. You shouldn’t be the one to put all the emotional energy into your relationship!

He should care enough to come check on you once and a while. He should want to know how your day is going. He should tell you to get some rest when you’re stressed. Primus, he should be around you enough to notice that you’re stressed and needing comfort! He should love you.

Your vents choke up and you sit on the edge of your berth, faceplates buried in your servos. That’s the war winning question: does Prowl love you? Has he ever loved you? You know that’s not a fair question because you know he has, it’s part of being soulmates. But does he love you enough to not make you a pawn? That’s a better question.

You ignore the flair up of confusion on his side of the bond and curl onto the berth, cutting off as much of your connection as you can. You had known it was Prowl the first time you touched, spark burning so hot it almost hurt. He had been surprised and later told you that he thought he would never have a soulmate. At the time you had waved him off but after getting to know him better, you could see it.

He pissed people off and didn’t seem to care, always rubbing mechs the wrong way. Except for you. You stayed and you had bonded and it was wonderful. You felt complete and so had Prowl and it was wonderful.

You just feel cold now, curled up in a berth made for two. You feel done and numb and ready to cut it all off. People would pity you but understand because no one understood Prowl like you. Prowl isn’t capable of love; they had told you but you knew different. Prowl could love, the question was what did he do with it.

Ratchet would help you break the bond. He would try to talk you out of it but you knew you could break him down. It would be painful; you heard that it felt like your circuits were burning from the inside out. That your frame was boiling with your spark still inside. You would do it, if only so that you could finally close the door to the cold echo chamber next to your spark. If only so that you could recharge without him looming in the back of your mind.

“Sweetspark?” You onlined slowly, optics taking a moment to focus on the mech in your suite. Prowl perfectly arched a brow, face set in a small frown as he looked you over. You ignored his look and his bond prodding, giving an irritated rev of your engine.

“What?”

“You need to refuel.” He had a cube in each servo, offering you one. A quick check confirmed that you can been recharging for a bit and Prowl must be done with work.

“I’m fine.” He said nothing at your short response, pulling up a desk chair to sit next to you. Primus he was gorgeous. You almost hated yourself for still being awestruck by him, even now.

“You’re upset with me.” It wasn’t a question and you didn’t answer, rolling to face him. He took a slow sip of his cube, optics looking over your frame. “… Do you want to fix this?”

“Do you?” Your question had him pause and you grieved for the fact that he had to think about it. It was Prowl, he thought about everything, but it was still painful to hear the pause.

“I don’t want to force you into something you no longer want.” Your engine revved, loud in the almost silent room.

“I no longer want? You’re the one who doesn’t want anything to do with me.” Prowl frowned, setting his cube on the desk.

“Of course I want something to do with you.” You sat up, gesturing towards him with another snarl.

“Oh yeah? When’s the last time we did something together? Refueled together? Recharged together? Primus, I’m not even going to ask about interfacing.” His doorwings twitched but otherwise he was still, taking in your body language. You should have stopped talking but you were on a roll now and he wasn’t going to stop you.

“I love you Prowl, more than words can describe. I keep pushing that forward cycle after cycle but I get nothing from you. You close yourself off to me and I can’t take it anymore.”

“You know that I can be…difficult.” It took him a while to find his words and when he did you just rolled your optics. He gave you a look and you waved at him to continue, letting him say his peace. “I am not here to be friends with everyone; I have a job to do and I will do it to the best of my abilities. Even if that means making enemies. You are what drives me, every cycle, over and over. Your support makes it easier for me to stay focused and do what has to be done.”

You don’t point out how ominous this sounds when you both know it. Prowl picks his words carefully and if that’s what he wants to say you’re not going to correct him.

“I’ve been neglecting you.” He states it as a fact and when you nod, he gives a small ex-vent. His doorwings drop and looking at him, you can tell he’s tied too. “That was not my intention but I can see that it’s hurt you. I am focused on fighting the war but I also have personal duties that are equally as important.”

“Wow.” You’re surprised and his small smile means that he’s picked up on it. “Who are you and where’s Prowl?” His chuckle has you relaxing, both sides of your bond opening up for the first time in what feels like forever. Tentative calm and affection filled the void in your spark, exhaustion quick to follow on both sides.

“I am here. And I do admit when I am in the wrong.” You scoffed, engine giving a more playful rev.

“Liar. Are you coming to berth?”

“As long as I am still allowed in.” You rolled your optics and moved over, letting him settle in his usual spot. It was weird, having Prowl next to you but also so good that you wouldn’t call him out. Your fields gently interacted, the tentative touches almost sending you straight to recharge; you had been avoiding each other for too long.

“We still have to talk about this.” Your optics began to dim, Prowl remotely turning the light off. You were staring back at him, trying to absorb the good feelings for as long as you could.

“We do, but right now we need to recharge.” You nodded, optics going off before you could stop yourself. You swore that you felt his lip plates brush yours but you were out before you could know for sure.

It wasn’t perfect and it wouldn’t be for a while. You would argue and talk boundaries and have to compromise and it wouldn’t be fun. It would be a slow process but a necessary one. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start and you wouldn’t trade it for the world.

#maccadam #prowl #prowl x reader #prowl imagine #tf prowl #transformers #transformers g1 #transformers idw #transformers headcanon #transformer x reader

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lotusthekat · 4 years ago

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I keep my eyes on the door (but I remember)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Platonic Lars & Steven, Minor Lars/Sadie

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga, Sadie Miller; other characters are only mentioned

Summary: Steven knows the good days and the bad. He’s felt the bad several times, but he always got through it. Steven never allowed it to get in the way for too long.

But the gray days are different. The gray comes out of warning and it’s never obvious.

Word count: 3.185

AO3 / Fanfiction

A/N: Wrote Steven with depression yet again to vent. I’ve been having a hard time lately. Please mind the trigger warnings below. Be safe. <3

TRIGGER WARNINGS - depression, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, character death in dream, panic attack and mentioned character death.

Everything is gray.

Nothing is wrong with the world itself if that makes sense. Beach City is the same plethora of colors, the warmth blessed by the soft breeze, the diversity of people, the laughing children, the sand in his feet and hands, the seagulls singing in the distance.

Even so, it all… feels gray.

The gray is much like the inside of White Diamond’s head. Automatic, forcing a smile. Empty. Deprived of essence.

As far as he’s concerned, however, he’s not being mind-controlled.

Steven knows the good days and the bad. He’s felt the bad several times, but he always got through it. Steven never allowed it to get in the way for too long.

But the gray days are different. The gray comes out of warning and it’s never obvious.

Steven smiles through it. He cracks jokes and laughs. He helps gems and spends time with his friends as usual. He’s far from looking miserable – no, he’s seemingly normal most of the time. Yet when the night comes, the gray confronts him. What fills his chest is not just the tiredness after a long day. It’s an endless, empty and yet crushing weight that has never actually faded away. Somehow, it’s trapping him and staring at him.

To avoid it, Steven usually reads, watches a dumb TV show or gazes at the sea from his home. Stargazing in particular tends to help him relax and sort out his thoughts.

Except the stars are no longer guiding him. Because they only guide him through the darkness. The stars are useless in the gray.

His bed suddenly doesn’t feel as comfortable as it should be.

He knows he’s drawing himself away. He knows the gray absorbs his all, little by little.

It’s slowing him down. He can’t do anything right. He starts messing up more often at the school, at everything he does. Yet Steven is still going because everyone needs him; he could never give them up.

Regardless, Steven finds no pleasure or patience. Nothing in the world can soothe the gray. At some point, the sixteen-year-old can no longer avoids it with the things he likes, with his classes at Little Homeschool or even with the lighthearted calls with his dad and Connie. Because they all become gray to him, too.

When he receives the text that the gems will be away for a couple days, Steven might feel the tiniest bit of despair.

He’s obviously gotten used with being alone at this point – because stars, he’s sixteen and rebuilt an entire galaxy away from his family –, but he almost, almost cries for them. He actually gets to call his guardians and maybe convince them to stay.

Until he realizes.

And then, he wishes them a nice fieldtrip.

“Bye-bye, Steven!” they say. “We love you!”

It takes everything out of him to say I love you back.

When they hang up, the gray has enveloped him whole.

This is perhaps his most powerful enemy. It’s unreachable, invisible and yet omnipresent.

Steven tries. Oh, does he try.

But nothing can be done.

Nothing, except…

He goes for it.

…

Yet he soon returns home, no one wondering where he might be.

In the next day, the gem students at Little Homeworld greet him the same way as every day. They smile at him and see nothing wrong.

They have no idea.

(Does he even want them to know?)

Later at night, Steven lets out silent tears for the first time in days (weeks? He has no idea).

Despite everything, his schedule doesn’t change. He refuses to change it, so everything goes normal for the rest of the week. Finally, on Thursday, he’s heading to Lars’ house for a baking session. Steven has agreed to help him with the stuff from his pastry shop. Unlike Little Homeschool, which can be quite a handful sometimes, his time with Lars tends to be the most carefree he has, because Steven only works on pastries – he gives them some of his personality, crafting beauties with Lars’ amazing skills.

He has no idea how he will do it now, but he will try.

When he arrives, he hates to admit that a wave of relief washes over him at the sight of only Lars and no one else. The Off Colors and sometimes Mrs. Barriga join in and help them, but that’s not the case today.

Somehow, the instant Steven gets in the kitchen, Lars already questions if he’s okay. To be fair, though, he’s had others ask the same thing lately, except he managed to escape through the circumstances. The thing about Lars, however, is that he’s possibly the most stubborn person Steven knows – maybe on the same league as Jasper, even if in different ways.

Consequently, Lars has seen through the younger boy’s bad days before. The ex-space pirate would immediately postpone their baking time to help Steven get some rest. The sixteen-year-old has vented, has turned pink and raged in front of his friend.

But what can Lars do with the gray? What can he do when he is gray like everything else?

In the very least, Lars can tell how exhausted Steven is, even if it’s not your common exhaustion. The bowls and ingredients are forgotten in the counter as the older boy guides Steven to his bedroom. Lars talks to him in a rather soft voice, but Steven can’t quite pay attention; all his words sound gray and static. Eventually, Steven acknowledges he’s lied down, and the door closes somewhere. Silence greets him once again and he has no idea whether it’s comforting or not.

The blanket does little to warm him. The skyscrapers above are not enough to catch his attention. It’s like Steven is floating in a pool that is neither cold nor hot. But it swallows him either way and can easily drown him without him noticing.

Thus, Steven sinks in and barely realizes when his eyes close.

The smell of strawberries is nice, but it’s no longer tasteful.

The sight of the Gem Battlefield is quite beautiful. Obviously, he could never admire the tragedy and brutality of war, yet nature has grown back in what was once a dead place.

Steven walks.

(He no longer runs to catch up with anyone. Nor does he guide them.)

Until he’s too close to the edge.

The ground below is hidden beneath the thousands of trees far away. Once upon a time, Steven almost fell there twice. The first time he was saved by Pearl and Amethyst. The second, he was expected to climb on his own. Both times, he didn’t want to fall.

Now, Steven notices it’s not as gray as everything else. It’s actually quite green down there.

He leans in.

A tiny part of his brain yells. Demands he walks back to safety. He shouldn’t do this, he can’t leave everyone behind. What would they think of him?

But the green, the green is so beautiful. It might solve everything. It might help and silence the gray for once and for all. He can’t stay in the gray anymore. He needs to catch the green.

He’s not scared of the height anymore.

The green sounds so peaceful. He can tell the birds are singing under his feet.

(A final song.)

The wind levitates his pink jacket. He looks up, knowing this will be the last time he stares at the gray.

(Will he miss it? Maybe. He’s stayed here for too long.)

The sunset is coming to an end, the light reaching the green down him.

Steven takes a breath.

He embraces him.

The falling wind is the only sound he hears. The gray no longer blinds or deafens him. It’s going away, and Steven knows he’s getting to the bottom soon.

He closes his eyes.

Crack.

His stomach bewilders him, as though he’s hit the ground.

It’s not hard, however. It’s surprisingly soft. There’s the scent of wood and clothes surrounding him, and he might recognize the vague smell of chocolate and butter.

Steven’s heart pounds in midst of the gray. He’s unsure if he should be relieved or disappointed that he’s sitting on a bed. Which is not his, he realizes. Right. He’s in Lars’ bedroom.

Despite how big it is, Steven can’t breathe. He can’t stay there.

He barely processes himself rushing downstairs, not as he somehow hears the wind and the birds singing. Is he seeking it? Is he running away from it? Why is he scared?

When the boy arrives, he finds no green in spite of the colorful home. Steven searches for something, anything. And then he’s staring inside the kitchen, where he recognizes laughter. Lars is talking to someone on the phone, while he prepares what appears to be pancakes and a mug of hot chocolate – which is also filled with marshmallows, Steven completes. It’s what Lars makes him when Steven stays a little longer, or when he has bad days.

He doesn’t know why, but Lars isn’t as gray as before. Steven can actually make it to what his friend is saying. Lars is talking to Sadie, laughing at something she’s telling him. At one point, she seems to ask something as Lars changes the subject.

“… ah no, sorry, I’m staying here tonight. Steven is… I dunno.” Lars’ smile fades in worry. “I’ve seen him have bad days before, but there’s something different this time. It seems… familiar, but somehow I have no idea either.”

There’s a brief pause before he sighs exaggeratedly and resumes, “Hopefully my masterful pancake might cheer him up a little?” He snorts at something Sadie said. “Oh, you know my pancakes make everything better! Steven loves them!” He pauses again and gasps, “Betrayal!”

Steven makes it to Sadie’s laughter on the speaker, even if it’s barely audible. Lars sighs again in defeat.

“Ugh, alright. I’ll call you back, okay?” he promises. The pink teen soon… blushes and protests, “Wha- I’m not the Mom Friend! Stop calling me that!” With his glare, Steven can assume that Sadie will definitely not quit it. “Bye, Sadie!” Lars jokes – until he softly adds, “Get some rest, okay? Yeah, I’ll tell Steven you said hi. Okay, love ya. Bye.”

The pink boy finally hangs up and it’s only when he turns around that he notices Steven.

“Woah, hey! Didn’t notice you there,” Lars clears his throat in embarrassment. He frowns a little when he actually pays attention to the other boy, who hasn’t moved or said a thing since. “Steven? Are you okay?” Lars asks.

The younger, for once, finds pink. Not the enraging pink that would blind his senses at times, but the welcoming pink that has accepted him before. That has comforted him before. And Steven—

Steven immediately launches himself forward, arms holding tight onto the pink. He loses air, his lungs are aching and his heart races his entire body. Lars is trying to talk to him, Steven notices, yet he can’t focus on it as he refuses to let go.

The moment Steven releases a loud sob, Lars wraps his arms around him back. They feel so solid that Steven cries harder. He hasn’t had this mess of feelings in such a long time that it overwhelms him, and Steven can’t help but crave it. He needs to run away from the gray and reach out for the pink.

Because he realizes, he could have lost it. He would never smell the pancakes and the hot chocolate, and he wouldn’t feel Lars’ arms ever again.

Steven hides in the hug, because he also knows Lars would never forgive him if he knew. How could Steven get so blinded by the gray?

The boy feels small as he sobs, weeps and clings to his friend. Lars is trying to calm him down by soothing his back up and down. As Steven focuses on that, his breath begins to return to its rhythm, and his heart no longer hammers his senses. For once, Lars tries to pull Steven away, even if just to look at him. The latter refuses; he knows Lars is going to ask. While the captain never pressures him to talk, Lars is definitely freaked out right now, which isn’t fair to him, Steven knows. But he can’t tell him.

“Steven,” Lars calls him, pleading, “can you look at me? Please?”

The younger shakes his head, sniffing in the other’s chest.

“Steven, you’re scaring me, what happened?” Lars insists more firmly while patiently. “Did you get hurt?”

The young boy keeps shaking his head, yet he ends up saying something for once. Hiccupping, he lets out, “I d-did”—he sobs—“I did something awful, Lars!”

“What?”

“Y-You’re…” Steven gulps, “you’re going to hate me…”

“Steven, I would never hate you. You know that, right?”

“Lars—”

“You can tell me, buddy, I won’t be mad—”

Steven fists his shirt. “I JUMPED, Lars!” he snaps, “I actually jumped from the Gem Battlefield and I fell all the way down, because- because everything is gray and empty, and I wanted it to STOP! I w-wanted!... I…”

Despite his uncontrollable sobbing, the kitchen has grown awfully silent. Lars’ hands still and the hug doesn’t feel as comforting anymore.

“F-For a moment, it felt good. I wanted to feel good. Nothing was making me happy anymore, and I thought that… that falling was gonna help. But I”—Steven shuts his eyes forcefully— “I got so scared that I floated until I landed. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t.”

Steven’s voice becomes smaller and smaller, that he sounds like a scared child. Like the same fourteen-year-old child that didn’t know how to get through the Crystal Gems missions.

“And even then, I…” he opens his mouth before realizing it, “I still feel like I’m there, like I’m falling and falling… there’s nothing ahead of me. Nothing but the end, the end to all this gray and”—he gasps—“a-and even though I can’t see it, I know I’m going to reach it. I’m getting so close to the bottom. T-The worst part is, I don’t know if I want to.”

Lars is so still. The fact he was once dead terrifies Steven. Lars is immobile, his heartbeat nowhere to be felt and his breaths, gone. It only breaks Steven more, to the point the younger boy slowly loses his grip around his friend and drops to his knees. He faces the floor, his falling tears and his own shame.

“I’m useless. I-I’m… I don’t know anything. I can’t do any of this anymore, and I’m so scared,” Steven admits. At the long lack of response, he shoves his face in his hands and cries, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

He cries in the silence again. His emotions are still surrounded by the gray and Steven can’t take it any longer. He doesn’t know how to get through this.

(Sickeningly, he might regret coming back home at all. He could have ended this.)

Steven expects an answer. He awaits the angry yelling, the disbelief – How could you do that?! –, or even nothing at all.

When Steven listens to another pair of legs reaching his level, he can’t control the flinch and the tiny sob that follows. Not too long after, he’s…

… he’s yanked back in Lars’ arms.

It’s the tightest Steven has ever been hugged.

Lars still says nothing.

But he holds Steven like it’s the end of the world, and he reassures without words that he’s not letting go.

His hugs are different from the gems’. They’re not engulfing, they’re not delicate or motherly. Lars is vulnerable – he's shaking and his breaths are deep, trying hard not to lose themselves to tears. He’s broken and he’s human. Although he's Lars of the Stars, he's not necessarily a star himself. By simply holding the other boy, Lars swears to be there, in the good, the bad and the gray – even if they might not find a solution now, or in a long time.

Steven lets out muffled screams, tears as wet and aching as Blue Diamond’s. He glows pink, brighter than ever.

(And he’s actually relieved for that.)

After that day, Lars offers Steven to sleep over at his house when the gems go on fieldtrips. While a little reluctant, the latter accepts the kind invitation. The Barrigas are the sweetest people he’s known.

The gray for once stops absorbing everything. It’s not gone. It might never be gone. But Steven can find the joy, even if small, in the things he likes again. People do notice the difference, but they don’t fully question it.

He also notices that Lars has begun hugging him more often. Which is kind of unlike him; but Lars is always willing to hug him, maybe a little longer and tighter.

… To be honest, Steven is not complaining. It’s good to remember. When they hug, Steven almost forgets completely about the gray.

Things are slowly going back to normal, though in a different, good way.

One night, Lars invites Steven over – much to his surprise, Sadie is joining them. Steven hasn’t seen Sadie in person for a long time. She looks so different and so happy; it’s always a little odd to realize she’s shorter than him.

Even so, the three of them together brings him a sense of nostalgia. Steven, Lars and Sadie had their own adventures. Their own ups and downs. It takes Steven back to the mornings and afternoons at the Big Donut.

This time, Lars and Sadie hold hands, sitting side by side. Lars has baked them the good old Ube they shared two years ago. Steven doesn’t actually talk that much but he’s comfortable with that. He likes listening to Sadie, and her teasing Lars – still on the “Mom Friend” dilemma. Lars merely argues it’s because of his pink powers, but Sadie exposes his “mother instincts” to debunk the excuse.

Steven is smiling. Lars’ face flushes and Sadie’s laughter sounds pure. She plants kisses on the pink boy’s cheek, which manages to get a flustered grin out of him.

Nothing about the situation is remotely gray. Everything is alive. Everyone is bright and themselves. And Steven is… himself, too.

…

“Oh, Steven, what happened?”

Sadie stares at him with concern and a little surprise. Lars isn’t particularly shocked but he’s sympathetic. When Steven feels water wetting his hand, he dries his face. Only for him to laugh wetly and make an even bigger tearful mess.

“S-Sorry, I’m okay,” Steven reassures them, truthfully, “I’m okay. I just…” He laughs again. “I-I love you guys so much.”

“Aw, Steven… we love you, too,” Sadie replies, heartfelt. Lars doesn’t mention it, but his smile means the same.

Once Steven sobs, both Lars and Sadie go to him and hug the boy. They ruffle his curly hair and squeeze him between them.

Steven has never been so thankful for his friends.

#steven universe #steven quartz universe #lars barriga #sadie miller #larsadie #fanfiction #suicide tw #depression tw #vent fic #panic attack tw

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thisbrokenmask · 5 years ago

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Moving On

Title: Moving On

Pairing: Yoongi x reader

Genre: Established relationship, fluff

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 1.7k

Song inspiration: Moving On

A/N: Another one of my submissions for ficswithluv’s Bulletproof Bingo Event, and this one is especially poignant for me as I got the keys to my new apartment today! It’s also my first time living entirely on my own - no fellow students, no partner - so I’m very excited to be taking on this next adventure!

Also, in case you didn’t notice, I’m a bit soft for Yoongi :)

“Is this the last one?” You turn to see Taehyung pointing to the box at his feet and nod in confirmation, watching as he immediately bends down to lift it. He doesn’t mention your lack of sarcastic comment that the last box sat in the middle of the room is clearly the last one, and you try not to frown at how effortlessly he lifts it and turns to take it out of your apartment. You remember how you’d had to slide it across the floor once you’d filled it not even a week ago, but you aren’t about to question your significantly stronger friends when they’re helping you and your boyfriend move.

Once Taehyung’s footsteps disappear down the hallway towards the elevator of your soon-to-be ex-apartment building, you turn to look around the now-empty room that was formerly your lounge. The TV is no longer on the wall, the wide expanse of blue somehow looking smaller without a flatscreen in the middle of it, and all of your photo frames are securely packed away, their hooks removed from the walls and the holes filled in and painted over.

Your footsteps echo on the bare wooden floors as you turn to wander towards the kitchen, the rugs you’d used to cushion the floor already rolled up and waiting inside the truck outside. The ghosts of tummy-aching laughter and birthday songs ring in your ears as you try to remember all of the celebrations and movie nights that have happened here over the years. You subconsciously step to the side to avoid the end table that’s no longer there, a short chuckle passing your lips as you realise how deeply this action has seeped into your muscle memory. It’s understandable, given how you’ve lived here for just over three years, but you still can’t help but laugh at yourself.

The white kitchen cupboards gleam in the sunlight that seeps in through the window above the sink, all of them meticulously wiped clean and emptied. A soft smile graces your face as you remember all the dinners you both cooked here, the glasses of wine you giggled over, even the few times you made love on the floor when the bedroom was just too far away from the front door after a date night.

“Ready to go?” A pair of arms wraps around your waist and a chin settles on your shoulder as Yoongi whispers in your ear, his deep voice the most sinful ASMR you’ve ever heard. The warmth of his chest against your back helps to soothe the nerves that have been creeping up your spine for the last few days. While you’re glad to be out of the small, cramped apartment that you could barely afford by scraping your earnings together three years ago, you’ve never been good with saying goodbyes, even to places.

You remember the first night you spent here, the two of you sat on the floor with a few take out containers between you. Boxes sat on the counters above you and took up the floor in the next room, and a mattress was waiting on the floor in the bedroom for when you eventually collapsed into bed together, frameless until later on in the week. Your belongings were threadbare at best, a lot of secondhand pieces making up the most of your possessions, but it was finally your own space. The two of you, together.

“I think so,” your whispered reply is shaky as you place your hands over his where they rest on your stomach, his hum of amusement rumbling against your shoulders.

“Don’t tell me now you want to stay?” he teases, turning his hands over to lace his fingers with yours.

“Definitely not,” you laugh, squeezing his hands in return. “I’m glad to be leaving, really. We’ve outgrown this place and I’m ready to move on.” You nod to yourself, feeling your confidence rise with each word, knowing that you mean them all wholeheartedly. You’ve definitely outgrown this apartment, both of you now making much more money than you’d ever dreamed of three years ago thanks to Yoongi’s growing success in freelance music producing and your own writing career taking off just over a year ago.

But it’s not just the money. The two of you have gone from strength to strength as a couple, weathering the storms of being broke, missing out on dream jobs, stress-fuelled arguments and late nights spent deciding whether to pay the bills on time or eat more than packet ramen for the foreseeable future. You’re ready to keep moving forward through life with him, already knowing that you’ll stay by his side for as long as he’ll have you.

The man who lives full time in your heart starts to sway slightly, his hold on you guiding your hips to follow his from side to side. “Yeah?” His nose nuzzles into the spot just below your ear, your breath catching in your throat as he places a gentle kiss to your pulse point. You nod weakly, your confidence slipping at his question. “Then why do you look like you’re going to cry?”

With a deep breath, you close your eyes and pull your hands from his. You feel him tense slightly, but he relaxes as soon as you guide his hands to the slope of your body between the dip of your waist and the curve of your hips. You finally turn in his arms, looping your arms around his neck, unable to blink back the tears in your eyes despite the smile on your lips. His eyes are watching you carefully, dark and deep and attentive as always, even when the black hair of his fringe threatens to overlap them. It hides his eyebrows, but you know one is cocked slightly to match the lopsided smirk he’s giving you.

“Because, this is where we grew up, Yoongi,” you tell him, watching as his expression relaxes from a teasing smirk to match your soft-eyed smile. “We went through so much here; the good, the bad, the ugly… the fun.” You pull gently on the hair at the nape of his neck at the memories of the kitchen floor you’d just been reminiscing on and grin, a deep sigh sounding when he closes his eyes and bites his lip before staring straight back at you, pupils dilated. “We’ve got so many memories here,” you continue, looking around at the empty walls and pretending to ignore the way he grips you tighter. “I know it’s not the best apartment, but it was us. This was our home, and I’m going to miss it.”

Yoongi’s stare softens once more and he internally curses how he knows he’ll never win against you; you hold his heart in your hands and he worships how gently you hold it, never squeezing too hard or letting him feel like you might drop it.

“I won’t miss it,” he says quietly, catching you off guard as he leans in a little closer.

“No?” He shakes his head. “Why not?”

“Because you’re my home,” he states, as if it were a fact universally acknowledged. “As long as I’m with you, I’m more than happy.”

“You’re my home, too,” your watery smile threatens to push your tears down your cheeks, but you manage to catch yourself before they do. You smile instead, adoration clear in your eyes as you look up at him.

Yoongi’s heart beats wildly at the conflicting emotions coursing through his body, wanting to make sweet, reverential love to you, fuck you against the wall until you know nothing but his name, and simply hold you tightly against his chest, all in equal measure. You bewitch, ensnare and captivate his senses all at once, always have done, and he constantly struggles with how he can possibly express how much he loves you. He wants to worship every inch of you and yet feels too inadequate to even gaze upon your body. He wants to wait on you hand and foot and give you anything you want, but also wants to see you thrive in your own spotlight, carving your own path as you go. He’s torn between fierce attraction and heady admiration at every turn, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

As his friends have repeatedly said, he’s whipped.

And guess what? He’s proud of it.

You’re the woman who has stood by him despite everything, despite all the hardships you easily could have upped and walked away from. You’re the one who comforted him when his own parents refused to recognise his dreams, letting him vent and cry rather than telling him they weren’t worth the pain they caused him. You’re the person who admonished him for wanting to give up on his dreams of music, even when it was barely bringing enough money to the table despite keeping him up all night. You were the first person he wanted to tell when he finally sold a track for a decent amount of money, running home to show you the cheque in person because he could barely believe it himself.

And here you still are, in his arms, gazing up at him like he’s worth more to you than the whole world, a position he still doesn’t feel like he’s even close to earning. You entered this flat together and you’re leaving together, off to take on new adventures together on stronger legs. Your new apartment is bigger, with enough room for Yoongi to have some proper equipment in a proper studio space while you have your very own writing desk in your new office. You’ve been able to upgrade your bed from a rickety-framed double to a memory foam-topped queen. There’s even more space on the kitchen floor.

You smile as he lets his forehead rest against yours, both of you closing your eyes as you breathe into the same private space between you. As you feel his hands move around to rest at the base of your back, you feel a new surge of confidence fuelled purely by the love you feel radiating off of your partner. As long as you’re with him, you feel invincible.

“Let’s go,” you say, not moving an inch.

“Okay,” he whispers back, pulling you closer so that your chests are pressed firmly together.

A final deep breath, you pull apart.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

If you would like to read any more of my writings, please feel free to check out my masterlist here.

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missmentelle · 5 years ago

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How to Enforce Your Boundaries

I see a lot of posts on Tumblr that talk about the importance of enforcing your boundaries - I’ve given that advice out myself, many times - but I haven’t seen a lot of discussion about what that actually looks like. I’ve been getting a lot of asks lately from people who want to enforce boundaries, but aren’t quite sure what they need to say or how firm they actually need to be. So without further ado, here’s a quick guide to doing just that:

Let’s say that you don’t want to talk about your ex - for the sake of example, that’s the boundary we’re going to set. Your reasons for not wanting to talk about your ex are deeply personal, and you don’t feel like explaining them; you just know that talking about the relationship or your ex is something that always sends you spiraling into very negative thoughts, and tends to ruin your entire day. So how do you go about enforcing that boundary?

Define your boundary as much as you can. Are there any people that you do feel comfortable talking about your ex with, or is this a blanket policy that applies to everyone? Are you okay with people mentioning them in passing, or no mentions at all? If someone in your life is dealing with an unhealthy or abusive relationship of their own, are you comfortable with them coming to you about it, or is that something you feel uncomfortable with? Finding the edges of your boundaries can be a complex task, and you won't always know for sure what you're okay with until you've actually encountered it. That's okay. Do your best to be as specific as you can, and keep in mind that these things may change in the future.

Communicate your boundaries. Your loved ones will not be able to respect your boundaries properly if they are never told what those boundaries are. Even things that might seem like "common sense" to you (like not mentioning someone's abusive ex to them) may not be common sense at all - your loved ones may have had very different experiences, such as having a friend or family member that found it helpful to vent about their ex. Be as clear and concise as you can. In this case, you might want to reach out to friends in advance to let them know that you just don't want your ex mentioned around you, or you can deputize one of your closest friends to pass that message on to other people in your social circle.

Try to be as consistent in your boundaries as possible. I know that your moods and needs may change from day to day, but it can be very confusing for other people in your life if your boundaries seem to change rapidly, and it creates the idea that your boundaries are not "set in stone". If you have a good mental health day and bring up your ex in conversation, your friends may get the impression that your old boundaries no longer apply, and that they can now bring this topic up in casual conversation. Presenting your boundaries as inconsistent and rapidly-shifting also leads to something called "boundary creep" - this is where people start pushing your boundaries in small ways, because they see your boundaries as flexible and subject to change if they just persist long enough. To avoid hurt feelings and uncomfortable situations, it's best not to relax your boundaries until and unless you are ready for that boundary to permanently change.

For small violations of your boundaries, start with "soft enforcement". In cases where the boundary violation is probably a one-time slip-up or mistake, the best way to deal with it may be just to firmly change the subject or re-direct the conversation without necessarily drawing attention to the boundary violation. For minor, thoughtless errors, actually calling out the mistake may be more emotionally taxing for you than the impact of the mistake itself. If you and a friend are discussing a particular TV show, and your friend slips and says "Oh, I remember that Taylor, Sam and [ex] were so obsessed with it", this may be an instance where a soft boundary encforcement may be applicable - perhaps mention a new show that you are watching and firmly steer the conversation in that direction. If the violation was a mistake that was not meant with malice, this is often all it takes for someone to realize that they've screwed up and be more careful going forward.

For more serious boundary violations or repeated small violations, use more direct enforcement. Say you're having coffee with a friend and they directly mention that they spoke to your ex lately and start filling you in on how your ex is doing. Or perhaps your friend who accidentally mentioned your ex in passing has now made several similar errors, and doesn't seem to take the hint when you redirect the conversation. This is situation where you need to be firmer with enforcing your boundaries. This does not have to be a huge confrontation - simply re-state your boundary and firmly redirect the conversation. "I'm actually not comfortable talking about my ex and I want to talk about something else - did you go see that movie last weekend?" Don't use soft language here, like saying that you'd "prefer" not to talk about your ex or that you'd "rather" discuss something else - state your needs clearly, and move straight into a new topic of conversation. This does not have to be a confrontational or emotional conversation, but it does need to be very firm so that there is no possibility of misunderstanding.

For serious or repeat boundary violations, a "hard enforcement" is necessary. If someone goes out of their way to tell you that they don't think your boundary is reasonable, that they have a right to challenge your boundary, or if they simply continue to violate your boundaries over and over again despite direct and clear reminders, this is the time for a more serious confrontation. Sit your friend or family member down and let them know that what they are doing is not welcomed, not acceptable, and that you do not want it to continue. If applicable, point out past instances where they were directly warned about your boundaries, and explain how their violations make you feel. Make it clear that this is not up for debate or discussion; your boundaries are what they are, and if the other person is unwilling or unable to abide by them, the relationship cannot move forward. Explain that you value the relationship and want it to move forward, but that this cannot continue to happen. This does not have to be a long conversation - it should actually be a short one, so that there is minimal opportunity for the other person to try to debate you - but it does need to happen. This kind of conversation leaves absolutely no ambiguities; the person has been directly told that they are harming you and given instructions on how to avoid harming you.

If a person makes it clear that they are just not willing or able to abide by your boundaries, it is probably time to end the relationship. If you have clearly explained to something that their actions are harming you, and they do not change their actions, you can take that as a clear sign that they are okay with harming you and act accordingly. You do not benefit from having a continued relationship with someone who does not respect you enough to avoid hurting you. There is no need for an extended confrontation here - you have already given the person an opportunity to salvage the relationship and they chose not to take it. If you want to let the person know why you are stepping away from the relationship, that's up to you, but if you'd prefer to just keep your distance from that person, that's fine too. If this is a person in your life that you are unable to avoid, like a coworker, keep your distance as much as possible moving forward and avoid unnecessary personal interaction. Respecting boundaries is a minimal requirement in a relationship, and bending over backwards to accommodate someone who is not willing to do that doesn't benefit anyone.

It's important to remember that you are not being unreasonable or demanding for having boundaries. Most of the boundaries that people set in relationships - avoiding traumatic topics of conversation, asking people to respect your sleep schedule, not wanting to be pressured to drink, not loaning out money, etc, etc - are fair, reasonable, and take fairly minimal effort to respect. Even more complex boundaries and needs are easy to respect if they have been laid out in clear, unambigious terms. There is no excuse for a person to continue to trample over your boundaries when they have been made explicitly aware of their existence, and you are not the bad guy for wanting to be treated with basic courtesy and consideration.

#missmentelle #askmissmentelle #relationship advice #relationship tips #friendship #friends #relationships #relationship #boundaries #healthy relationships #mental health

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tsarinastorm · 4 years ago

Text

AA: Ashes to Ashes- Adam Sackler/Reader- Chapter 6

Rating: Explicit

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

“It’s Jessa,” you hear the distinct voice with the British accent say on the other side of the line. She has some kind of timing. She’s conveniently called you right after you slept with her now ex-boyfriend. Until now, you hadn’t felt guilty about it, it had felt right. The guilt sinks in as you respond to her, “Hi, what’s up?”

Your voice sounds guilty even to you. She doesn’t comment on that, instead she states, “I need a favor.”

“Okay.” You wait for the other shoe to drop. She says, “Can you send me some money? Not a lot, but around $200. I’m helping Hannah with rent since I’m staying here.”

That was not what you were expecting but you decide to agree. But you also know how addicts are so you put a condition on it. You respond with, “Okay but that better for rent and not for something else.”

“It is and can you forward me some mail? It should came into Adam’s address,” Jessa asks and you would like to hang up the phone and crawl under the table. Of course she would ask about Adam, and she had lived with him for some time. You put on your best ‘normal’ voice and answer, “Yeah of course.”

The line goes quiet for a moment, neither of you knowing what to say. You debate being honest with her, then you talk yourself out of that. She breaks the silence with, “If you guys are fucking I understand.”

“We’re not,” you answer, obviously lying.

“Uh huh, I know you’re lying. It’s really okay, just tell me,” Jessa says and you decide to roll with it, be partially truthful. You chose to downplay it, lie about the nature of your relationship with Adam, “Yeah, It’s just fucking. We’re just fucking, that’s all. It’s not some emotional thing.”

Jessa sighs and you can practically hear her roll her eyes. She just states, “Alright. I’ll talk to you later. You should really come upstate sometime, I think you’d like it here.”

“Bye,” You answer and hang up the phone. You rub your temples with frustration before muttering under your breath, “Fuck.”

“So you’re just using me for my dick? ‘It’s just fucking, that’s all, not something emotional.’ You fucking used me!” Adam shouts as he comes roaring out of your bedroom into the kitchen. He’s clearly pissed and he had overheard the conversation with Jessa. Apparently you were making bad decision after bad decision because you have no idea why you answer the way you do.

“Adam what was I supposed to tell Jessa? And last night was very hormone driven.” Adam looks at you before you answering, calmly this time, “Thank you for finally telling me how you really feel.”

Then, he leaves and slams the door with him. You almost run after him, but then you don’t.

******

Immediately after Adam leaves, you call your friends. You need advice even though you already know what they’re going to say. You all agree to meet up for coffee, and the group of you settle into a table in the back of shop to give you some privacy. You begin by saying, “I fucked up.”

“You need to be more specifc,” Victoria chuckles. You go through the whole story, with every detail. Cori is definitely judging you, and gives you the simple advice, “Why don’t you just go find him, and tell him how you really feel?”

“Because I’m friends with Jessa and I am not going to be with her ex-boyfriend. That’s not who I am.” You take a sip of your coffee, and you swear you can feel yourself shaking. Cori gives you a stern look before she says, “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“So what, you think I should break girl code and hook up with a friend’s ex?” you ask. It’s not Cori who answers, it’s Bria who had been quiet until now. She says, “Look, you’re not friends with her like you’re friends with us. You’re just sober buddies and quite frankly, I think she comes around when she needs something, that’s not friendship.”

“If you guys are correct, how do I un-fuck this situation up?” You sigh and rest your face on your hands. Victoria says, “You could tell Adam that you’re in love with him and if Jessa needs to know, she’ll have to get over it.”

“You make it sound so easy,” you say and you hear a familiar voice near the front of the shop. Your eyes instinctively look in that direction, and sure enough, it’s Adam. Adam’s standing at the front counter talking to the manager. You then have the strange sensation of feeling body both go cold and incredibly hot at the same time.

“There’s no time like the present,” Cori states and gives you wink, motioning you to go forward. And you do.

****

The past twelve hours had gone from mind-blowing to heart-breaking for Adam. He and Y/N had hooked up, had great sex, and then the bubble was burst in the morning when he heard her talking on the phone. He had thought that last night was a breakthrough, that it had meant that she shared his feelings and was tired of denying them. Now, he was wandering his way back to his apartment, but he didn’t want to go back and be alone. With the current situation, he no longer had a friend to vent to. Then, he remembered that he might actually have a friend.

Adam walks into the coffee shop, and is pleasantly surprised to find Ray at the front counter. That was easy, he thought to himself. Ray apparently as happy to see him because he immediately frowns. Adam gives him an awkward wave and before he can get a word out, Ray is speaking,

“Well, well, well. Look who it is. Are you hear to degrade me again?” Yeah, he’s definitely still pissed. Adam answers and tries his best to apologize, to mend things. He’s embarrassed when he thinks of how he acted when he was with Jessa.

“No, I know this doesn’t mean shit, but I’m sorry for that. I was in a bad place,” Adam says and Ray rolls his eyes then he lets out a sigh. He thinks this might be a good sign. Ray quips back with, “Or were you just with a bad person.”

Adam agrees, “Fucking both.”

“What about you, you still with Jessa?” Ray asks, and Adam chuckles. He changes his position and shifts his weight from one foot to another.

“Fuck no. We broke up, she’s upstate now.” Adam then leans against the counter. Ray starts asking questions about why Jessa is upstate, and if he would ever consider getting back with her or Hannah. That segues into Y/N and their present situation. Adam ends up venting all of his feelings and frustrations out to Ray. Ray for his part, just listens and nods, occasionally commenting.

“Damn…maybe she just needs time to figure stuff out,” Ray finally says and leans over the counter too. Adam takes a drink of the coffee he’s ordered, then he admits, “I’m trying to let her do that but fuck, it’s hard.”

“You know she’ll eventually realize that Jessa’s a total shit person, like Hannah and the rest of that crew.” Ray says as he gets back to work. Adam agrees, it is the part he’s dreading for Y/N. Jessa will fuck her over in some way and Y/N will be hurt. As his eyes scan the room, his gaze settles on one table in the back, it looks like one of Y/N’s friends is there. He should leave and avoid any weird encounters. Then he sees that Y/N is with them, and his heart both simultaneously stops and starts pounding harder. He can’t look away, but he can feel his skin getting hot and his palms get sweaty.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Adam finally mutters. Ray starts paying attention to him again, and asks, “What?”

“She’s here now,” Adam says through his teeth, purposefully whispering. He takes a step to the side and grabs at his hair nervously. Meanwhile, Ray is amused at his torture and follows up with, “Really, where?”

“Back there, don’t fucking look,” Adam answers through his teeth again and nods his head in Y/N’s direction while trying to be obvious. He’s trying to give her space and not be shot down twice in the same twenty-four hours.

“Sorry didn’t fucking hear you,” Ray says grinning, he’s trying to make things worse for him. Ray starts looking around the place in an exaggerated manner. Adam finally gives in, “She’s back there…you asshole!”

Now, she’s getting out of the booth. Oh no, he’s needs to get the fuck out of here now. She’s walking towards him, looking right at him, heading right in his direction. Well, he can’t leave now. He anxiously says, “Hey.”

“Hi.” Y/N answers back and stands there nervously. The two just stare at each other awkwardly for some time. She finally asks, “Can we talk?”

Adam nods his head and they settle into a table near the window near the busy street. He notices that she’s fiddling with her hands, one of her nervous habits he’s learned. He’s nervous too, he feels like his whole body is a live wire.

“I’m sorry about what I said, I didn’t mean that,” she says and tentatively reaches out to brush his hand. He gives in to her touch, turning his hand over so his palm is touching her fingertips. He lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Why are you still holding back?” He wants a real answer this time. Is it her sense of loyalty holding her back? Or is it that she doesn’t feel for him with the same intensity that he feels for her?

“I don’t know, I just need time.” She croaks out, her voice breaking like she is going to cry. He laces his fingers through hers and uses his other hand to cup her cheek to comfort her.

“Fine. I’ll give you time.” He says but he doesn’t want to, and doesn’t know how he will manage. She’s feeling more confident now because she has no problem moving on to the next topic.

“So I know we talked about it already but I really don’t understand. What’s your deal with Jessa? And Hannah?” She asks and with the look in her eyes, he wants to confess everything and beg her to fix him. Instead, he settles for answering her question.

“I used Jessa to escape Hannah then I used Hannah to escape Jessa.” Adam says and looks down to their intertwined hands. She gives his hand a tight squeeze before moving on to the next question. He wants to scream or run away but more than anything he wants her.

“How do I fit into this? Or do I?”

“You do but you’re something else. It feels right when I’m with you, you make me happy.” Adam answers, not able to hide the smile that forms on his face at the end of his statement. Y/N’s face lights up and she’s moved by his answer. Then her face suddenly turns into a frown, “Why did you stay with Jessa for so long if you felt that way for me? Would you have really broken up with her for me?”

“Fuck yes. In case you forgot, I wanted to that night we kissed and I only didn’t because I didn’t want to hurt you. I would have sooner if I knew there was ever a real shot that you felt something for me. I never thought I stood a damn chance.” He feels aggravated just admitting that again.

She gives him a weak smile and tells him, “You stood a chance. You still do.”

***

It had been a day since you’re failed night with Adam and since you saw him at the café. You didn’t mean what you said to Jessa but you didn’t know how to handle this situation. If given an option to make things worse, you always did without fail.

It was time to make amends, you were now going to bring Adam lunch. He had just started rehearsals and you knew he got nervous around those things. You hope you can spend some time with him and work on fixing things between you.

As you approach the theater where rehearsals are held, you see Adam walk out with some attractive brunette. He’s smiling, she’s smiling back and they go on their way. You’re so shocked all you can do is watch them. You know you have zero right to feel hurt and jealous but you still do. You watch them walk away then you throw the food in the trash and leave. You’ve got to do something because you feel physically distressed about it.

****

You’re in your apartment now, waiting for Adam to come over. You need to talk to him about what you saw today and how you feel. It’s eating you alive. You would just go over to his place but you’ve got to take care of Bagel. While you’re thinking of what speech you’re going to give Adam and trying to think of some kind of starter to the conversation, there’s a knock at the door. That must be him. You walk towards the door.

Adam comes trouncing in like nothing’s going on. He makes himself comfortable on your couch, before settling his eyes on you. He finally asks, “Are you alright? You look jumpy.”

So you just ask him point blank, “Do you have a ‘thing’ with that girl?”

His face looks confused, as if he genuinely doesn’t know what you’re talking about. He asks for clarification, “What girl?”

“The girl you were with today at lunch,” you say and watch his face to see how he reacts now that he know that you know. You know you’re being ridiculous questioning him but what if he’s moved on? You still haven’t sat down next to him on the couch, you’re standing in front of him. If it wasn’t for the size difference, it would seem that you’re interrogating him.

“Mariah? No we’re just friends, where’d you see us?” Adam answers and he appears to be telling the truth, no signs of deception. A part of you is relieved, then you start wondering what kind of friends they were. And you remember that he asked you a question.

“I was going to stop by and see you at rehearsal, then I saw you. Just friends or friends that fuck?” You ask and you finally sit next to him, but you’re only half-sitting, ready to pounce. His eyes are more amber now than the soft brown or honey that you’ve grown used to. He angles his body towards you and makes direct eye contact as he says, “Just friends. She’s in the play too.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” you admit while your eyes are locked on his. Then his face drops into a disappointed expression, then turns to frustration.

“Well thanks for fucking rubbing that in my face.”

“How do I know I’m not your third choice?” You stand up again and step in front of him. Adam exhales a breath he’s been holding in. Then, he reaches for your hand before answering.

“Because I only want you. I needed closure with Hannah, and Jessa was a consolation prize, but the way I feel about you I’ve never felt before. Even if you don’t feel the same I’d wait because I can’t imagine being with someone other than you.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” You say, and you tug on his hand, pulling him to stand. Once standing, Adam wraps his arms around your waist and crashing his lips onto yours. You kiss him back, sweeping your tongue along his lip, wanting to deepen it. He grants your tongue entrance, and your tongue grazes his, you want to taste every part of him. His hand moves up your waist to grip your neck, and you moan into his mouth involuntary.

He pulls himself away, and after taking a breath, he says, “Just to be clear, what does this mean? Because if it’s just fucking to you, I can’t do that, not with you.”

You put both of your hands on the sides of his face and say exasperatedly, “I mean I’m in love with you and don’t want to hide it anymore!”

Then he is on you like a man starved and you’re a full course meal. His passion is astonishing you, but it doesn’t take long until you’re put his hands on your tits, and you’re grinding into him. He lifts you and you wind your legs around his torso as he walks to your bedroom. You attack him with kisses on his neck, collarbones, face, and his ears. His large hand kneads your ass, then he sets you down on the bed.

In no time, you’re stripping off your shirt, your bra, and work to get your jeans off. Adam does the same, it’s a frenzy of clothes being thrown throughout the room. Once you’re both sufficiently naked, he climbs on top of you, kissing down your neck. He trails tongue behind your ear, then he nibbles on pulse point, making you squirm under him.

He places kisses on your collarbones then the top of each of your breasts. Then, he’s twirling his tongue on one of your nipples while squeezing your other breast. He sucks on your nipple earning a moan from you, before releasing with a “pop.” The other side gets the same treatment as his hand sneaks down into your panties, rubbing your clit in circles before his middle finger dips into your folds.

“Fuck, baby, that feels so good,” you say breathily. Adam watches your every reaction as he picks up the pace on your clit. He informs, “I watched how you touched yourself, how you got off.”

You buck your hips against his hand. His eyes are growing black with lust, and he says, “Do you like my fingers better than yours?”

“Yes,” you manage to get out, you were close, at the edge. Then, he relents and pulls his hand from you. He puts his fingers in his mouth and licks them clean. You can’t look away from him, how did you end up with this man in your bed?

He starts pulling your panties down your legs and positions himself with his head in between your thighs. He’s watching your pussy, looking mesmerized. Normally, you’d feel self-conscious but this was Adam and his face was proof you had nothing to be conscious over. He kisses the insides of your thigh, making you wetter than you already were.

“Fuck, look at this beautiful cunt. It’s just like I thought it would be.” He drags a finger along your folds and you moan at the contact. He makes direct eye contact as he tells you, “I can’t wait to taste you.”

You nod your consent as he licks a stripe up a cunt before rolling your labia with his lips. His tongue massages your clit, then traces it along. Your hands fly to his hair and they find purchase, when you tug on his hair, he moans into you. He gets back to work flicking your clit at a rhythm that has climbing, then he thrusts a finger into you. You groan and he adds another, scissoring you to stretch you before doing a come-hither motion. And his fingers hit your g-spot, while his mouth sucks on your clit.

Your orgasm hits you quickly and hard. Your toes are curling, and you arch your back so high, you almost levitate. Adam’s hand grip your hips keeping you down against him. That orgasm was so powerful you were disoriented for a few moments. When you come to, Adam’s still between your legs, licking you clean, and he looks delightfully wrecked.

You pull him up and you push him back down on the bed. Now you’re straddling him, you put your hands around his neck and kiss him deeply, tasting yourself on his tongue. Your hand then dances down between the two of you to palm him through his briefs, he’s rock hard already. You say, “Your turn.”

Adam gives you a lop-sided smile and you swoop down to kiss his neck, licking his nipples. Then you swirl his nipple with your tongue, and his hips buck into you. You place kisses down his torso, paying attention to his happy trail as you hover above his clothed cock.

Tugging down his briefs, you admire his now freed cock. A dick was dick, but damn if his dick wasn’t pretty. Long and thick. You lick up from base to tip, then playfully lick at his tip. You place open-mouth kisses along his shaft and he moans. You bob on his tip, and lightly suck before taking more and more of him in your mouth. The head hits the back of your throat and you swallow around him, and he says, “Fuck, you look so pretty with my cock in your mouth.”

You continue deep throating him, with his hands gripping your hair until he pulls you off. A trail of saliva hangs out of your mouth and onto his cock. He uses the hand in your hair to lift you up to crush your lips together. His tongue is in your mouth, and you melt into him.

When you break apart to take a breath, he asks, “Do I need a condom.”

You say, “No, I’m on the pill. I want you to cum inside me.” He nods and kisses you even deeper. You line his cock up with your slit and you sink onto him. He fills you so good. After adjusting, you start rocking your hips on him as you steady yourself with your hands on his chest. Then you grind down on him, and his pubic bones is brushing your clit. His hands stay fixed on your hips before traveling up to squeeze your tit.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” He says and you keep rocking as he then tells you, “I like seeing your tits bounce.”

You rock at a faster pace and bounce on his cock. This continues for some time then he shifts so he’s sitting up and that angle is perfect. His hand goes to the place in between your shoulders and his mouth goes to your chest. You keep moving your hips and the pressure on your clit is perfect. You rock your hips in a slightly different manner and it makes his cock brush your g-spot, so you keep moving like that. Adam asks, “You like that? You like my cock?”

“I like it, I really like your cock,” you say as you get closer and closer to another orgasm. He sits up even further and maneuvers you so you’re flush against him. He thrust ups into you and you’re glad because your legs are turning to jelly with every movement. The pressure on clit builds and you’re a moaning mess, you’re lucky Adam’s doing all the work.

“Cum all over my cock,” Adam encourages and you feel your body tense as pleasure overwhelms you. Adam keeps the pace through your orgasm and once you’ve recovered, his thrusts get quicker. You wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him as he drills into you. He buries his head in your chest, then in your neck as his pace gets sloppy.

“Want me to cum inside your cunt? To fill you up?” He asks and he looks wild. You encourage him, shaking your hips above him, and say, “Yes, fill up my cunt with your cum.”

He thrusts once more then you can feel his cock twitch. He spills into you, his arms holding you close, and you can’t resist kissing him. The kiss is searing and tender.

The two of you then fall back unto the bed, not moving out of each other’s arms. You wonder why you fought this for so long, it felt right. You felt happy. When you look up at him, you ask, “Is sex supposed to be like this? I don’t remember it being like this.”

“That was damn good sex. Damn you’ve ruined me, kid.” He says and tucks you under his chin, and you rest your head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. Suddenly, he laughs and says, “I won’t be able to ever fuck another pussy again.”

You laugh and reach up to place a soft kiss on his lips. He looks at you with such devotion in his eyes, you’re nearly moved to tears. Adam clears his throat, then tells you, “I’m in love with you too, you know.”

You smile and nod, kissing him again, running your finger along his dimple. His mood changes as he rolls over so he’s hovering over you again. He kisses your neck, then playfully bites you.

“Do you want me to stay the night, make you breakfast, take you out on dates?” Adam asks in a sing-songy way that makes you laugh. You nod and say, “Yes.”

He continues on, kissing your collarbone before pulling at the skin with his teeth. His hair falls over his eyes as he tilts head up to ask, “Do you want me to hold your hand? To be your boyfriend?”

“Fuck yes, I want you in every way.” You answer and within the fraction of a second he’s kissing you on your lips again. You could get used to this you think to yourself as you hold him even closer.

@ghoulian13 @misskitred @han-not-solo

#adam sackler #adam sackler x you #adam sackler x reader #adam sackler smut #reader insert #hbo girls

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ghostsofmemories · 4 years ago

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Writing My Obituary (context on my weird poetry collection)

I realized today that I very casually bring up my poetry collection all the time and a large majority of my followers have no clue what I’m talking about, so here’s a WMO explanation post thing! I should definitely give a content warning though: this book deals with suicide, abuse (both physical and emotional, by both parents and other people), homophobia and transphobia, allusions to major appetite and stomach issues (which while reading sound a lot like eating disorders), toxic relationships, just a lot of really heavy emotions in general. Please don’t read the book or this post if those things could trigger you. This post also ended up super long, so the rest is under the cut.

So. first thing’s first, this collection is being published by Pure Print Publishing this fall (due to covid there aren’t any exact dates available). I didn’t query it, someone reached out to me after reading my poems on Instagram, hearing that they were in an unpublished collection, and basically connected me with their friend who runs the indie publishing house and is an author himself.

A big part of the reason this book is so difficult to talk about in context is because that requires getting pretty vulnerable - most of this book is just me dealing with everything I’ve struggled with over the last 4 years of my life. So if there’s discussion about the book in the replies, please keep it to the content of the book and not the validity of these experiences or details of things that happened to me.

The collection is about me and my journey from 13 to 17, starting with my suicide attempt at 13. There are several poems from around that time in my life, but they’ve changed a lot over the four years of editing. However, you can definitely still see changes in the way I write and the way I approach poetry by the end of the book - which was the goal. The book is centered around learning about identity, about how relationships should work, about friendships, about learning to handle mental and chronic illness, and above all, growing. There’s really no “breaking point” where everything about the way I write changes all at once, so in context, the change is almost difficult to see. So to sort of represent these changes, I’m putting a poem from the beginning, from the middle, and from the end all right next to each other (and some bonus analysis of my own poetry!).

Call me a monster is probably the most stark change from the past to the present. I almost never rhyme my poems anymore and if I do, they’re fleeting and mostly for rhythm. The lines are also extremely short, which I only do now when it really fits - in general, I make an effort to avoid consistently short lines. I like to tell myself that it’s symbolism I did on purpose to represent how all over the place my brain was, hopping from one thought to the next, but I don’t think it’s symbolism. I think my brain was really too jumbled to have more than five words in a line.

I also took my own poems very seriously back then - writing a poem was an Occasion, so the first letter of each of those lines is capitalized like I’m some sort of English classics major. Both stanzas are also the same length (I still do that now sometimes, but back then it was in so many of my poems that I think I thought it was a requirement). Basically, I wrote this like I was going to turn it in somewhere.

Still pretty heavy on the capitalization here, but I definitely got more flexible with stanza length and slightly longer lines (7 whole words, yay!). This poem was somewhat of a turning point for me, basically realizing that I could not only vent through poetry, but still make it poetic and artistic in a lot of ways, and also explore contrast in my own emotions and conflicting feelings. For some reason, prior to this, I thought a poem could only be one emotion at a time, but now I think a poem can be one topic and the way multiple or conflicting emotions revolve around it. This is also one of the first poems I wrote that I was proud of from beginning to end.

This poem isn’t totally representative of the last couple changes I want to talk about (especially line length - for being relatively recent the lines are still pretty short), but I don’t want to use too many poems that haven’t been posted online before and this one has been posted and read aloud on an Instagram live, minus one stanza I added, which I’ll get to. I also wanted to choose this one because it has a direct reference to The Universe In You and several other poems, which gives me a chance to talk about how much I love referencing my other poetry in my poetry. Buckle up, this one might be long.

By this point, I had pretty much realized that there actually aren’t any rules at all. I’ve figured out what I want to say and I’ll say it however the hell I want to - I don’t need to capitalize things unless it suits the form, I don’t have to be totally consistent, I can repeat things as much as I want. I reached back into my 15 year old angst for this one, though, so I could more properly write about the relationship in a way that made sense.

Now, I could honestly write a whole other book about how I reference other poems in each poem, but for now I’ll just break down the ones here.

Sort of a half reference right at the beginning: I have so much to say. I bring that up in different words in so many poems, both about my relationship and my dad. This is probably because, growing up as someone who had a speech impediment (meaning I talked too much no matter how little I said because of how long it took to say it), I always felt like I never had the space to say everything I wanted. It’s brought up in at least 3 other poems.

lost signals: a direct reference to my poem Thread Unavailable:

We’re riding down a dirt road in the middle of a conversation and lost signal. Message failed.

empty spaces: a reference to The Universe In You!! Pretty much the whole reason I included this poem.

burned poems: this one is basically just a reference to all the poems in the collection that are breakup poems, or poems where I directly addressed my ex saying don’t read this, you don’t have to read this, I shouldn’t have written this, etc. Specifically, A Long and Lonely Letter, Tired Eyed (The Homecoming Poem), and The Poem That Shouldn’t Exist.

another July come and gone and I didn’t write about you: this reference is hard to really understand the context of unless you know me in real life, but in two other poems I mention the month of July, in a couple others I reference summer, but there are dozens of poems that didn’t make it into my cut of the collection that talk about July. Basically, in context of the relationship, it was the only time we were actually happy and we split up and got back together over and over trying to replicate that fleeting, 30 day feeling that was overtaken by school, seasonal depression, and our own instability as people. For so long, all I could think about was that one month, and that line was my way of showing how I was done writing about it.

you told me, once, that we’re soulmates: this entire little stanza is directly copied from Tired Eyed (The Homecoming Poem). In order to continue talking about it I’ll throw a piece of that here:

If you want to come back, be sure of me. Be sure of yourself. I don’t want to be a consequence of your impulses.

You told me, once, that we’re soulmates. That once you find a person you want to spend forever with, it feels like nothing else matters. Do you believe that like I do?

That’s just a really short chunk of a really long poem, but basically the re-use of that section goes to say that me truly believing nothing else mattered was not good and extremely unhealthy. I put it there even though the poem was just fine without it because I really wanted to get that message across, especially since most of my target audience falls between middle and high school.

I know love in so many shades and I give it in every color: this references a couple different poems that aren’t in the collection, but in terms of the book, it’s a reference to Red, Like You, which is about color association and love and stuff? I I still don’t totally get it. I say in the poem that I don’t totally get it. No one totally gets it, but all in all I went from loving just one person in just one way to loving everyone in tons of different ways and realizing that those other types of love are just as, if not more, fulfilling to me, and that romance is not the be-all end-all of love and happiness.

All the other references are repetitions so I’ve pretty much already explained those. But anyway, that’s my book! It has 77 poems total, quite a few of them more than a page, and some that are probably several pages once in paperback format because, you know, I never shut up. Since I did my mini beta reading round (I got a lot of necessary feedback but that was so much to keep track of, I’ll probably just get a couple feedback partners next time), I’ve cut 34 poems and added 16 newer ones, edited the crap out of the whole book, and gotten the perspective of a professional editor.

This book, even though there’s a lot of it I’ve grown out of, is super important to me and it’s so hard to let it go. Part of me wants to keep this book going forever and just keep growing until it has thousands of poems, but all of these “character arcs” in my life are finished. I left my toxic relationship and friendships, I figured out my gender and sexuality, I learned how to love openly, I cut off my dad for good. There’s obviously always more to learn about my relationships with these other people and myself, and I do that unconsciously every day. But in all honesty, I have nothing left to say about these people or events that would change the conclusions I’ve already come to - they would only further prove them to be true.

I absolutely always want to talk about this book, so if you have any questions, send an ask! Also feel free to scroll through the poetry tag on my blog and ask me about any poems I have posted there, there are a few that I’ve written since the completion of the collection that’ll (most likely) end up in whatever I write next. Basically, I’m obsessed with poetry and want to talk about it all the time. Please ask me about it.

#poetry #my writing #wmo #writing my obituary #adventures in publishing #shut up august

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bizarrelovesquare · 4 years ago

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Hello, it’s Evie, and this is my new account!

brief explanation under the cut so I can get it off my chest, but it’s not required to read <3

I realized over the last several months that I did not like being perceived the way I was online, and that I have the power to just walk away and start over on a smaller scale and avoid anything I don’t want to be part of. In July, with no warning, I cleared out and abandoned/deactivated any accounts around the web that didn’t make me happy. All I have now are this, pinterest, ao3, and a new private twitter just for close friends.

Being online had come to feel like an expectation, no longer something for recreation, and most of it wasn’t fun. It honestly had been feeling that way for awhile, but I reached the last straw when I briefly got involved with a fandom on twitter (yuck) several months ago that was absolutely horrid. I realized what a mess it all really was, I finally snapped, and I got the hell away from everything and everyone.

It was easy to leave other sites because there was so much that I wanted to escape from--the hostility and toxicity, people’s dumbassery, the feeling of not being adequate enough as an artist, the pressure to get constant interaction, feeling like I was being watched all the time by hundreds to thousands of people who didn’t care about me as a person, etc. Social media was too much for my introvert self. However, I was on the fence about what I wanted to do with tumblr, so I sat on it for two months and mulled it over. I actually love this site because it’s mostly chill and has the best format, it’s creative, and it’s easy to avoid anything you don’t want to see, but I just didn’t love the baggage that I had on my old blog. I’d been on there since 2013 and had grown and changed a lot, particularly over the past year, and there was so much way back in there that didn’t represent who I’ve come to be, and it honestly made me feel stuck, even after I tried changing my url, giving that blog a makeover, and being more myself.

Several years ago, I spent an ungodly amount of time on this site trying to appeal to others, instead of letting myself just exist authentically and showcase all of my personality. I got fandom popular pretty early on, and for a long time, it made me feel like it was my duty to post about the things that got me popular and make original posts that my heart wasn’t even halfway into, worded in a way that would get notes. Keep in mind, I was younger and dumber when doing that and had nothing else going for me at that time (it was a low point in life). I definitely grew out of that mentality, but I couldn’t get away from all the posts I’d made that I no longer cared about that wouldn’t stop getting notes and the reputation I had developed for being known for a particular thing. I felt like there were too many followers who weren’t really there for me as a person or any other niche interests of mine, and it was really holding me back from just posting what I want and as much as I want, even after I quit caring and tried to just present as the real me. I knew it was my blog and it didn’t matter what others wanted, but I think the main thing was that I felt held back by my older ways of using tumblr, and I realized that I don’t want anything from that period of my life still attached to me. I didn’t know who I was back then, so I defined myself by an obsession. These days, I want people to see me as a whole person with a real life who just happens to also really like some things.

On top of that, again back when I was several years younger and at the lowest point of my life, I used to vent way too much about negative things in my personal life that don’t matter anymore, and even though I went through my archive and deleted them all, even though I know nobody else remembers them or is looking at them, I still knew that they happened, and I didn’t want that energy to keep following me. There was also evidence of ex-friendships and relationships I’m not proud of, ways I acted that I just don’t vibe with now, and just too much I remember that didn’t represent current-day me, and I want to actually break the connection to those memories. So with all of that, I decided I’d feel best to remake and start fresh. I got away from negative feelings everywhere else, so why not here, too? Any posts on the old blog that I love can eventually be reblogged over here. I’m going to curate a fresh new gallery of things I love, while feeling at peace about the whole thing.

My life is nothing like it was years ago. I’m actually happy with myself and my life and have been for nearly a year now. I know who I am now. I’ve healed/am healing from a lot of personal things. I have budding careers in everything I love and am working towards my dream life. I’m not ashamed of anything about myself. I still have bad days sometimes, but I don’t live in my misery. I like being positive and want to stay that way as much as possible.

I also never really let me show myself as a creator as much as I would have liked before, and I want to focus more on that from now on. As far as fan content goes, I’ve gotten back into writing fics and am no longer scared to share them. I’ve been working more on cosplay this year than I have in years. I also want to try to get into making gifs. Additionally, I am a writer (fiction and non), photographer, and aspiring designer in real life, so some original work might show up now and then, too, if it’s something I’m really proud of. I also want to post about mental health and recovery. My blog will still have plenty of fan content, but I want to sprinkle in some other things that are important to me as well.

I just want to be in a quiet peaceful corner among good people. Lately, I’ve realized that I want my life to be as lowkey as possible, both online and irl. I just want to vibe and do my thing for myself, surrounded by a few good friends. I learned way too late that fandoms are hell if you branch out too far, and that I also hate being in the spotlight, even in regards to things I create. I don’t exist for the consumption of others, and that’s such a freeing thing to realize. Anything I post/rb is solely because I want it on my blog; I don’t care what happens to it after I put it there. I post for me, I make my art for me (and sometimes my jobs), and if my friends enjoy it, and if I make new friends along the way, that’s awesome! But impressing everybody is just not a thing I can nor want to do anymore. You don’t have to run yourself ragged trying to spread yourself across the internet, whether as a fan or a creator. If a site was to disappear, what do all those likes and followers mean? Absolutely nothing. At the end of the day, all you have is you and how YOU feel about yourself, so spend your time on here (or anywhere, really) existing for you, first and foremost.

I’ve gone back to my very old internet days of not trying to impress anyone, while combining that mentality with the wisdom and sense of self that I’ve gained with age. Maybe you won’t be able to tell a difference, but I’m the one living in my head, and I definitely can tell that I’ve grown, a lot in my life has changed, and I am much more confident in myself, and I want to have a blog that 100% feels like me and has no bad associations attached. I’m not the first person to make a new account and won’t be the last. Things like this are supposed to mostly be FOR FUN, and too many people these days have gotten away from that. Don’t feel like you have to keep living up to some reputation that was built years ago, and don’t feel like you exist for others. Be yourself, embrace changes as you grow, do what’s comfortable and healthy for you and makes you happy, and the right people will like you for that. The most important of them being you. <3

#evie's diary

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dotaccountant · 4 years ago

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(LOVIE SIMONE, 23, FEMALE, SHE/HER) ⮕ Hey, isn’t that [DOROTHEA “DOT” HARTLEY]? I heard that they were a part of the crew. According to the wiki it says they’re the [ACCOUNTANT] of the group. Avid fans say that they’re [PRAGMATIC], but that they can also be [MOODY]. Maybe that’s because they’re a [CAPRICORN]. This gossip forum says they joined the group because [SHE NEEDS THE MONEY]. I wonder if that’s true. I also heard they [DO NOT] believe in ghosts. I wonder if their time in arcane inc will change that. (peyton, 23, est.)

mun info.

hey girly! just wanted to let you know i literally cannot handle this right now :)

uhh okay!! my name is peyton, i’m 23, i’m a college senior, i’m a libra, i’ve been rping for [redacted] years. i managed to escape for like two years until quarantine hit so here i am, like a dog going back to its’ vomit. i’m an illiterate roman roy enthusiast lesbian who is just excited to be here. my discord is ilyinichna#9370 (not me outing myself as a russian lit nerd. disgusting). please feel free to add me!!!

some cheeky stats.

full name: dorothea eloise hartley nicknames: dot by the crew, dottie exclusively by her mother, lame ass nerd by me birthdate: december 31st, 1997 occupation: accountant for arcane inc. nationality: american

orientation: bisexual moral alignment: lawful good myers-briggs: infp temperament: melancholic

about.

it snowed the day dot was born, her mother would say fondly as she reminisced of better times for the two. edna hartley always made it a point to say no matter what she was conceived out of love and for awhile, dot believed that. her parents met when her mother was touring europe and she fell for a charming french aspiring writer, louis, who said all of the right things. not long after their summer romance, edna found out she was pregnant and at first louis was thrilled. he proposed on the spot. edna had dreams of becoming a stage actress so the two flew out to a shoebox apartment in new york to start their little family.

except edna never got her big break and louis never even started the next great novel and the bills were piling up. they were getting money from edna’s family, but louis’s pride wouldn’t accept it any longer. he took two jobs while edna stayed home with baby dot.

she loved dot and dot herself never doubted it, but she was certainly not ready to be a mother. she was immature and treated her only daughter more like a best friend than her child. taking care of a child all day with no escape took a strain on edna and eventually took a strain on her marriage. what started as harsh whispers would soon turn into screaming matches that dot could hear through the thin walls. it was that way for years and dot looked at her parents differently. she had resentment for her father and the feeling was mutual, he blamed them for the fact he never achieved his dream. the older dot grew she soon was the one taking care of edna, who some days couldn’t even get out of bed.

dot comes home from school at fifteen to see her and edna’s bags packed. she says the two of them are going to california and dot goes with her without any hesitation. a new start was what they needed, they could look out for each other.

except it wasn’t. edna and dot both work odd jobs to make ends meet and when dot isn’t at school she’s accompanying her mother to auditions that she doesn’t get called back for. she scores a few commercials which is enough to keep them afloat for a brief amount of time. much of dot’s teen years are spent apartment hopping, couch surfing, and sleeping in motels throughout LA. if she was younger she might have been charmed by their vagabond lifestyle, but dot knew they couldn’t live that way forever.

if anything, dot learned a lot about how money worked when she was young. she always had a knack for numbers and after crunching the numbers to figure out if you could pay your electric bill for the month really gives you an advantage. she learned how to budget because no one else was going to.

she’s working a job doing data entry when she first hears of arcane inc. one of her coworkers wouldn’t stop talking about them. dot isn’t interested as she’s never though much about the supernatural, chalking up companies like arcane to exploit people’s fears. no thanks. her mother believed in spirits enough for the both of them. (besides if karma was real, she would’ve seen a check from louis for the book deal he got over a year ago).

dot does go down a rabbit hole though when she realizes just how big of a following aracane has. people will really believe anything. the moment she sees that they’re hiring, she sees it as an opportunity. a company with millions of followers has to give their employees a reasonable salary. she didn’t have any real work experience outside of her office job but she was damn good with numbers and she was already used to traveling.

she’s been at arcane inc. for about a year now and still doesn’t really get what all the hype is about but that doesn’t matter. dot makes enough to send money to edna and she’s even started to put money aside to go to college. dot’s never been one to dream big, look at what it did to her parents, so she’s planned out every step without reaching out too far for the stars.

headcanons.

yeah her mom’s a failed theater actress but dot has a really secret love for musicals. you won’t find her ever talking about it though and if anyone found out she’d kill them. not joking don’t text.

her social media presence is little to none. not that she thinks she’s above it but she’s just genuinely bad at keeping up and she doesn’t love being in front of a camera. (her instagram posts are all blurry with bad filters and weird angles, bless her heart).

she’s probably the most stubborn person you will ever meet. i blame it on her being an earth sign i’m just saying a ghost could be right in front of her and she’d go and?

dot’s a really good listener (years of practice) and will take secrets to the grave but she’s pretty bad at giving advice. she doesn’t really know what to do when someone starts crying except give them an awkward pat.

her intuition is pretty good though. she’s good at reading situations she just doesn’t know how to react sometimes.

tw abuse: so while her father was never physically abusive, there was an incident from when she was twelve. he had been drinking and dot got out of bed to get water from the kitchen. he yells at her, as he often did, and throws an empty beer bottle at her. she threw up her arms to defend herself and there are still a few scars from the glass shards.

the way to her heart? anything peppermint which i know is arguably the worst dessert flavor but she can’t get enough of it.

tends to chew on things when she’s working. no pen cap is safe. she usually has candies on her so she has something to munch on.

connection ideas.

i prefer chemistry over anything else!! these are just some ideas to get the ball rolling. (also i am so bad at coming up with connections.)

friends. i mean....yeah jsfdkljfd. as basic as that is she just never had many of those growing up! dot’s kept a few people close but for the first time in her life she’s out of reach from her mother so it’s a good chance to socialize.

more specifically? a best friend. in the same vein but dot would really put this person above everyone else. she’s really loyal and it’d be nice to have such a close bond with someone.

a childhood friend or two too!! she’s moved around quite a bit but she stayed in new york (and she considers when she first moved to la still part of her childhood) for quite a bit, definitely long enough to make a connection!

someone she’s pulling out of trouble maybe. while dot’s not a maternal figure (leave that to the nurturer) she does have a compulsive need to help people out. it’s very frustrating but she can’t stop.

negative nancy. she can be so pessimistic and annoying so she’d appreciate having someone she could just vent to.

exes. it has to be a past relationship because dot is not a hook up person like AT ALL, but she’s human and she likes companionship (sometimes).

honestly whatever you can think of! cousins, pen pals, unrequited crush (either way), friend crush, enemies, people she avoids, shared interest buddies, good/bad influence!

#( *about. )#( *ooc. )#arcaneintro

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fullmetalscullyy · 5 years ago

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day 8 - last christmas - wham

the magic of christmas time - royai advent calender

24 days - 24 oneshots | with angst, fluff, and everything in between | both canon and au

a collection of christmas themed oneshots to celebrate royai | chapter prompts based on my favourite christmas songs

read on ao3

a crowded room, friends with tired eyes

i'm hiding from you, and your soul of ice

“I can’t fucking believe she’s here,” Roy muttered as he knocked back his whisky.

“Roy, I’m sorry, man. I had no idea she was coming.” Maes looked worriedly between Roy and the door, where Roy’s ex was being greeted cordially by Gracia. Also known as, Gracia trying to keep her busy and keep her away from Roy.

“No, it’s fine,” Roy stated bitterly, but it wasn’t directed at his friend. “She knew about this and probably came just to piss me off.” Roy took another drink. “Fuck.”

“Look, if you want to go, I won’t blame you –”

“Uncle Roy!” Maes’ daughter, Elicia screeched loudly. Roy cringed while he still faced away from the three-year-old.

“Shit,” Maes muttered out of his daughter’s earshot, because the reason for Roy’s misery probably heard Elicia’s very loud call for his name and he really didn’t want to deal with her. The breakup was still raw, and he’d come here to try and get over her, to forget. “Elicia.” Roy turned and watched as Maes intercepted smoothly, grasping his daughter underneath her arms and lifting her into his arms. “Inside voice, remember honey?”

“Oh, right,” she giggled, not bothered in the slightest. “Uncle Roy,” she grinned, her whole face lighting up. Roy watched it, feeling a pang in his chest. He loved his godchild, but he didn’t have the usual energy to interact with her today. “I haven’t seen you in forever,” she stressed, a frown appearing on her face. “Where have you been?”

“Uh, Uncle Roy has been away with work, remember?”

“Oh. Yeah. Anyway, can we go play?”

Maes glanced at the back of Roy’s head after he turned to finish the rest of his drink. “Uh –”

“Of course, princess,” Roy smiled, turning to face his adoptive niece with a wide smile. Elicia perked up and grinned, her little arms reaching out so she could be transferred from her father’s arms, to her uncle’s. “What would you like to play with first?”

“My cars!”

Roy smiled to himself, his expression softening. That was the gift he’d got her last year. “Of course, sweetie,” he replied, kissing her cheek. He glanced to his right and saw that his ex was nowhere to be seen. Letting out a relieved sigh, he took a deep breath and walked with Elicia to her bedroom.

Roy opened the door and froze when he saw someone already in the room. The woman was making Elicia’s bed, flattening out the sheet when she turned at the interruption. A surprised oh left her, obviously not expecting to see someone.

“Um, hello,” she greeted. “Hello, Elicia. I’ll get out your hair. Sorry.” Without another word, the woman left in a hurry and closed the door behind her.

“Who was that?” Roy asked, slightly confused. The Hughes’ were rich, but did they really hire a maid?

Elicia’s face lit up. “That’s my new nanny. She helps Mummy and Daddy look after me while they’re working.”

“Oh. Okay,” Roy shrugged. Obviously, they were rich enough to hire a nanny. That was unexpected.

They played together for about an hour and Roy lost himself to it as she dragged out all her toys from the box. He forgot that his ex was downstairs and the mere sight of her still made his chest hurt.

They’d been together for five years, then last Christmas he’d caught her cheating at a Christmas party. The reason she used was bullshit, trying and cover it up and worm her way out of it – underneath the mistletoe was not an excuse for making out with someone else when already in a committed, long-term relationship – but like a lovesick and hurt fool, Roy went back to her. He was a dumbass for making that decision. Things were tense, but they were working it out, until a month ago when she’d done it again and Roy had had enough. He ended it and found out she’d still been cheating with the same guy all along. Talk about kicking a man while he was down.

He'd been a fool. He knew that now. Roy had been desperate, holding onto a hope that was no longer there. It had died last year, and Roy had been too crushed that he’d turned a blind eye to it. After all, a five-year relationship was a hard thing to leave, just like that. He’d probably held on because he was too scared of life without her.

But he was better off now. He knew he was. The pain would go away and he’d be back in the game in no time.

“Elicia?” a voice called softly into the room. Roy turned mid grin, his eyes falling on the woman from before. Her blonde hair was tied back off her face, pinned up in a clip at the back of her head. Her fringe fell across to one side, reminding Roy of a bird’s wing. She looked slightly nervous as she poked her head in the room. Her eyes never met his, but he did notice the warm brown colour they held within them. Her knuckles were white on the edge of the door as she gripped it tightly.

“Yeah?” Elicia asked distractedly.

“Mum and Dad want to see you. It’s time to get something to eat.”

“Okay! Bye, bye, dolls.” Elicia bid them farewell and ran from the room, grinning up at her nanny before heading back to the party across the Hughes’ grand front hallway. Roy stood to thank the woman for letting him know, but she was already gone, the door left slightly ajar.

Roy re-entered the party and immediately spotted the reason for his discomfort. Solaris – his ex – was sitting at the table in the Hughes’ dining room, laughing and chatting with the guests, completely oblivious to the sour mood she’d put her hosts in. She looked up at an inopportune moment – when Roy was still staring at her – and offered him a small smile, a knowing look in her eyes. Before he’d have fallen over himself to get to her while she was wearing that smouldering look, but now it made him sick to his stomach. Just how many men had she aimed that look at while they were together?

No. Fuck her. Roy could do better. So much better. He turned away and ignored it, making his way over to the buffet table. He joined in behind Maes and picked up a plate, shovelling food onto it, but not completely aware of what he was picking up.

“You okay?” Maes asked, breaking Roy out of his reckless shovelling of food. He stared down at the mountain forming on his plate and paused, placing one hand on the table to steady himself.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. He was hurt. Angry, most of all, at her, but still hurt. He didn’t want her here. He knew Solaris had done it just to get to him, or to try and rekindle something between them, but Roy wasn’t desperate now. He wasn’t as stupid as he had been. He wouldn’t do that to himself.

“Take five, okay? Or however long it takes until you feel better. I’ll let Gracia know.”

“No,” Roy stated vehemently. “Just… Give me a few. Then I’ll be back.”

Maes offered him a comforting smile. “No problem, Roy.”

Taking his plate – although he didn’t know why, he’d lost his appetite – Roy left the room. His feet carried him down the hallway and into the kitchen. The room was massive, fitted with state of the art, industrial equipment that was both expensive but made both Maes’ and Gracia’s lives so much easier. Roy was always in awe of their home. He wasn’t sitting in a terrible financial position himself. He was well off, had a good job, and had a decent sized house. However, it was nothing compared to the Hughes’.

Entering the room, Roy pretty much threw his plate on the table.

A quiet, surprised, gasp sounded from somewhere in the room.

Jumping in fright himself, Roy walked around the table, rounding the corner of a protruding wall, and saw Elicia’s nanny sitting on the step in front of the door leading to their back garden. As far as Roy was aware, this door wasn’t the main exit to the house, but more a “servant’s entrance” – one the Hughes’ used to unload groceries into the house because it was quicker from their driveway.

But… Why was she sitting there?

“Hello, again,” he greeted, still recovering from his surprise. At least he’d managed to speak to her this time. He didn’t want the woman to think he was a pompous, arrogant asshole who ignored people.

“Oh, hello,” she greeted, offering him a nod before going back to eating her sandwich.

“Sorry if I gave you a fright,” he apologised sheepishly.

“No, it’s fine, you didn’t.” She was a terrible liar, Roy noticed. He also noticed that she was actively avoiding his gaze, looking like she wanted him to promptly leave, and Roy could take a hint. He wouldn’t be the best company right now anyway.

“Okay. I’ll catch you later.”

He left, grabbing his plate to find a more private spot and froze in the hallway when he spotted Solaris walking towards him.

“Hey, Roy,” she smiled, but he noticed that manipulative look in her eye that had been present last Christmas. Roy said nothing. He couldn’t. Instead, he just felt his jaw clench tightly. Any harder and his teeth would shatter. “Merry Christmas,” she smiled.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked.

She looked slightly taken aback, but Roy didn’t know what for. He made his feelings for her perfectly clear. “We were both invited.”

“No, I was invited. You were my plus one, but you had no right to come here tonight.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re over,” he hissed. “Or have you forgotten that?”

“Maes and Gracia are my friends too,” she stated calmly, playing him, and Roy knew it. He was too furious to care. It was time to vent and if that involved screaming and yelling at this bitch, so she’d get the hint and fuck off, then so be it. He wouldn’t be fooled by her again.

“No, they’re not, especially not now. Not after what you did.”

Solaris sighed, as if talking to a child, and that angered Roy more. “Look, Roy –”

“No,” Roy snarled quietly. He was furious, but still didn’t want others to overhear. The door to the dining room was open, and he could see people walking by it, dangerously close to overhearing them both. “We’re over. That means you get the fuck out of my life. I don’t ever want to see you again, Solaris. Stop trying to play me and manipulate me like you did before because I’m having none of it.”

Breathing hard, Roy watched as her mouth fell open then she promptly shut it with a glare. Turning on her heel and flicking her hair over her shoulder, she stalked out towards the front door ahead of them. It slammed loudly and the murmur of conversation from the dining room died down because of the loud disruption. Maes poked his head out to search, then spotted Roy. He nodded once to his friend, then turned and entered the kitchen again.

“Fuck,” he cursed loudly, kicking the heavy wood table in the middle of the room. He ran a hand through his hair agitatedly. A noise from his left caught his attention through the haze of anger. It was the sound of the door opening and closing hurriedly. From the window leading to outside, he could see the woman – Roy realised he never caught her name – hugging her sides in the freezing temperatures as she hurried past the window wearing nothing but a pair of jeans and a thin cardigan. His face fell. The thick snow on the ground kicked up as she moved, slipping once or twice in the uneven surface.

Fuck. He’d forgot she was there. He hadn’t wanted anyone to overhear that conversation, yet he’d just spoke to her two minutes ago then promptly forgotten all about the nanny. Roy groaned. That made things a hundred times more awkward for her.

Approaching the door, she’d left out of, he considered following and calling her back to apologise. Hand on the handle, he paused. The half-eaten sandwich on the plate was resting on the stone step. Roy shivered, noticing just how cold this area was. Hesitating, he decided to continue with his testing. Sitting on the step, he shivered again when the chill from the door on his back and the stone beneath his ass spread through his body. This couldn’t have been comfortable for her, so why was the woman sitting here?

The mystery plagued his mind for a moment, distracting him from Solaris, which was always welcome. He was slightly worried about Elicia’s nanny. She’d been sitting here all alone in the freezing cold. Maes and Gracia weren’t the kind of people to send “the help” away somewhere quiet to eat their dinner, out of sight and out of mind. So why had she sat in the cold? And then he’d forced her out into the cold. Shit. He needed to apologise to her, and possibly offer her a coffee or a tea to warm her up.

Roy stood and left the kitchen, his plate of food forgotten, and he headed for the only entrance the woman would probably head for – the front door.

#royai #royai fic #royai fanfic #royai advent calendar #the magic of christmas time #emma writes

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this-is-a-new-me · 5 years ago

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I’m gonna be honest, I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe just as a call into the void. Maybe because I don’t have anyone who gives enough of a shit about me to care. Or maybe in case there are others out there like me. Who knows. I’m not even sure how many people will care to read, and in the end I guess it doesn’t really matter.

This is I guess half coming out story, half venting about the present so, if you care to read here goes. If not this one’s just for me. It’s pretty long so, kudos to those who do read and get to the end.

To be frank, my story isn’t a great one. It’s not a heroic show of bravery, it was actually pretty cowardly. It didn’t make my life better, at best it stayed the same. It didn’t end with me running off into the night with the love of my life, in the end I lost her.

My first girlfriend was also my first relationship period. We met freshman year of college and were instant best friends. There’s some backstory that isn’t important for this, but by second semester sophomore year we started dating. In the end we dated for just shy of 5 years. 2 years in, she proposed and I accepted. At that point, my family knew nothing. They didn’t know I was gay. They obviously didn’t know she was my girlfriend/fiancé. They knew her only as my best friend.

Some people have loving families that they easily feel comfortable coming out to. That was not my family. Over the years some had made comments that made me know they wouldn’t accept me, at least not the way I wanted to be. My sister and two cousins I trusted were the only ones who knew. But I just couldn’t tell my parents.

Even though we were engaged, my fiancé and I decided not to get married right away. We agreed I should finish school first, and we wanted to be more financially stable. As my last year of school wound down, we decided it was time and picked a date for the following July (we were impatient by that point). Now, considering I was pretty sure my family wouldn’t be fully accepting, some would say we should have just gotten married and said fuck them. Even my fiancé felt we should elope. But I couldn’t feel that way. Fears aside, I have always loved my family and wanted them to at least be given the chance to be there. Plus, a part of me felt that just eloping or getting married without them knowing would be betraying myself. Like admitting it was wrong or that I didn’t deserve the same kind of wedding day straight couples get to have.

So, I decided to tell them. Problem is, I’m a coward when it comes to confrontation. I avoid it at all cost because I have this horrible personal quality that thends to make me value others’ feelings over my own. And given how I thought they would react, I guess part of me wanted to give them a chance to know and...understand? process?....before speaking to me. So I left a letter explaining everything. That I’m gay, that my best friend was my girlfriend then fiancé, and that we were getting married. I left the note and went to work, knowing my parents would both get home before me. When I was eventually asked to come home I was terrified.

Now, I should clarify. I don’t believe in comparing situations. The same way I don’t believe in comments like “you shouldn’t be sad when others have it worse” I don’t believe any bad coming out can be objectively better or worse than others. That said, I always imagined that the reaction to my secret would be either acceptance (even if it was slow to come) or outright rejection. That’s not what I got. I got yelled at for two days. Questioned on how I knew we were in love. Made to question every feeling I ever had. And then....nothing.

After those two days, the topic of my relationship and my sexuality became a black hole topic. It has never been mentioned. I wasn’t kicked out, but I wasn’t accepted either. I just...am. I have never had the experience of talking through the ups and downs of my relationship with my mom. Never got to ask for relationship advice. When my fiancé and I eventually broke up I couldn’t even go to them for comfort, I suffered in silence hiding myself away in my room so they couldn’t see the pain and the tears. My mom has since realized on her own we’re no longer together, but the only comment she’s ever made on the topic came when she saw I was texting my ex (who I have stayed friends with) and said “I thought you didn’t speak to her anymore.” Not a question, just a comment with no follow up.

For financial reasons I still live with my parents (what I’m starting to think is a new normal among millennials). At the moment we’re getting ready to move. I bothered writing this story down because as I was helping pack some things, I saw the letter. I saw that damned letter and almost fainted. Then all I felt was rage. A damned piece of paper that led to screaming, silence, and eventually a broken heart. A letter detailing a life they won’t even acknowledge and it’s stashed among family photos and baby books like it’s an important artifact.

I don’t even know if my rage is justified. Part of me says maybe she kept it because she really does accept me. But then I say if that was true why is the topic of my sexuality still treated like a secret that needs kept behind a locked vault away from the ears of everyone around us?

Now that I’ve written this out, it sounds like little more than babbling. But I guess that’s what a blog is for. To babble. Clear the mind. Scream into a digital abyss when life wants to kick you. I’m frustrated and angry and so fucking lonely that I don’t even have anyone to talk to about it. So, I guess if you’ve read it I should thank you. I can’t say it made me feel better, but it’s a story I’ve held in for...hell almost three years now. If I do have anything I want to come through from this story: if you are someone who came out to family and the result was falling between the cracks to a place that makes you stuck in a purgatory neither accepted nor rejected, just exisisting, I feel you. If you’re a parent and your child has come out to you, they deserve to be heard and understood and given some kind of reaction. I would hope rejection isn’t it, but sometimes I think rejection would have been better than nothing.

There is no good way to end a babbling post so, for anyone who made it this far in reading, thanks. Peace ✌️

#lgbt #comingout #gay #lesbian #lgbtq

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blackjack-15 · 6 years ago

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Staying Tuned for a Soap Opera — Thoughts on: Stay Tuned for Danger (STFD)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are not spoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: STFD, FIN, RAN.

The Intro:

Stay Tuned for Danger is another short game, though it owes its runtime more to the limitations of 1999 than anything else. Full of wacky, overwrought characters and hilariously over-the-top threats, puzzles, and ‘incidents’, STFD isn’t a smart game, but it’s a mildly fun one, and definitely improves as the second in a series.

STFD relies heavily on constantly rising action, meaning that things never calm down — the game escalates and escalates until it’s over, which encourages the player to finish the whole thing in as few parts as possible to get the full effect.

It does have its problems — way too many things to click on that are pointless, an obvious villain, frustrating and out-of-place puzzles, and the clunkiest interface known to man, but it saves itself from the scrap heap by embracing, rather than avoiding, its own campiness.

The Title:

Funnily enough, this title is actually straight-up ace. It’s a snappy take on soap opera clichés, and is the only game to have a four-letter abbreviation, lest we take Nancy into the world of sexually transmitted diseases.

Er…considering how Rick looks, make that further into the world of sexually transmitted diseases.

Plus, this game puts a heavy emphasis on the continually rising action of its events, so the “stay tuned” part works really, really well. A+ work here.

The Mystery:

Fresh off of the success of finding a killer in Miami, Aunt Eloise once again hears of trouble and sends Nancy Drew barking after it. This time, it’s off to New York to investigate some death threats that a soap opera star is being sent.

Hold the presses, I know.

With everyone working as hard as they can to be unhelpful, it’s up to Nancy to massively invade everyone’s privacy and discover who’s writing the threats (and making the bombs, and dropping the lights, and…) before Rick Arlen actually gets seriously hurt or killed.

Through a lot of snooping, after-hours sneaking, and clunky interrogations, Nancy manages to “figure out” the culprit when he presents himself at the end despite 90% of clues pointing to him, has to solve a puzzle in the nick of time, and treats the audience to a hilarious-looking “capture” of the culprit.

The Suspects:

Mattie Jensen is the one renting Aunt Eloise’s apartment, and the person Nancy first encounters. Not only is she the (co-) star of the show, but she’s also the only one who stuck with her original agent, Dwayne Powers.

Her mother is too involved in her life, she moves like a plasticine doll, and is a Horrible judge of character, employing Dwayne Powers and having dated Rick Arlen, but Mattie seems genuinely concerned for Rick’s life, asking Nancy to help by snooping around, and offering her aid to the amateur detective.

Mattie’s not short on motive, having been dumped by Rick and having her career endangered by his anticipated contract-breaking in order to get into films and out of soaps, but she’s not really a “suspect” once you’re 1/3 of the way through the game.

This is one of Her Interactive’s favorite tropes — a suspect cleared early on so that Nancy can have a helper — and it shows up for the first time here. In this case, Mattie helps Nancy go undercover as a budding young actress in order to help her investigate more fully.

Rick Arlen is the other co-star of the soap opera (“Light of Our Love”), playing the male main lead. Tired of the small soap opera notoriety he has right now, Rick longs for the big screen, leading him to try to break his contract with Bill Pappas and leave the show.

Rick is a blowhard egomaniac who’s willing to flirt with any woman he sees — even the young amateur detective Nancy Drew — but that’s pretty much all the depth that he has. He dates a lot, but he’s too shallow to keep any relationship for long, either dumping them (Mattie) or being dumped (Lillian).

There might be a moment or two where you think he might be behind his threatening notes to give him an unimpeachable reason to leave…but then you remember that this is Rick Arlen, and he has No Shame, and doesn’t see anything wrong with breaking his contract.

He does send the first few notes, signing them with an anagram of his name (which somehow Her thought was brilliant enough to use twice in one game), but that’s it as far as his involvement goes — he’s not a man with a death wish; he’s an egomaniac. Pure and simple.

The only other thing about him in the game is that he ditched Dwayne for a better agent, which is treated as, like, the Height of Disloyalty. However, knowing that Dwayne is balls-to-the-wall nuts, not a great agent, and hates Rick for dating Mattie….I’d switch to a new agent as well. Sure, it’s not super kind, but it’s not at all an immoralmove to make, and it’s the best thing he could do if he wants an actual enduring career in showbiz.

Dwayne Powersis Mattie’s agent, Rick’s ex-agent, and all around bleeding psychopath with delusions of grandeur. He’s also one of the most obvious villains in the whole series (tying with…well, RAN), blames Rick for his failing business (when the truth is that he’s just not very good at it and has stopped trying at this point), and casts his Cool Alter-Ego Owen W. Spayder as his crimesona.

Dwayne isn’t diagnosably medically insane like the culprit in FIN, but he’s crazy all the same, from his Loud Speeches about hating Rick, to his skulking around the set in a hat and beard, to his ridiculous bombs and light-droppings, etc. etc.

He’s upset that he couldn’t make it as an actor himself, and resigned himself to helping others with their natural talents. Not only does he let this turn him into an attempted murderer, but he also gives this Huge Speech at the end…which lets us see, yeah, he wouldn’t have made it as an actor (and as if RAN needed to reinforce that point, it does anyway).

Dwayne is interesting in that he’s the only suspect to escape twice and the only villain to be the villain in two games, but…quite frankly, he’s not interesting enough to deserve those distinguishing characteristics. Dwayne isn’t enough to carry one game, let alone two, and it shows.

Lillian Weiss is the snappish, cold director of “Light of Our Love”, who is suspicious of everyone and has the clout of being one of the only characters who can fire Nancy without it resulting in a second chance.

She also happens to be the smartest and most likable character in the game (except for Bill Pappas, of course), willing to accept when she’s been wrong and call Nancy to come back in, who figures out who’s pulling these “pranks” around the set, and poured a pitcher of water on Rick’s head while dumping him.

She also sent him poisoned chocolates which, knowing the guy, I fully condone. She gets to live out Rick’s dream by going to Hollywood, so that’s nice and karmic as well.

Lillian isn’t ever really nice to you, nor does she lose her snappiness, but she is a good guy, and she’s allowed to be smart and capable without being warm and fuzzy, and I personally think that makes her more multi-faceted than most early ND characters were allowed to be.

Millie Strathorn is the elderly owner and founder of WWB and prop master for “Light of Our Love”. She’s also not quite sane, mixing fantasy and reality at any given moment.

Her “motivation” is that she hates Rick and tries to keep submitting scripts to write him out of the show, and this show apparently doesn’t have a Writer (we’ve got a producer, director, and two stars + talent agent, but no writer?), but her scripts keep being rejected anyway.

Probably because, once again, she mixes fantasy and reality, and definitely wrote a scene where Rick Arlen and “Rory Danner” face off and mud-wrestle, stabbing each other in the face.

Either that or a ménage àtrois between Rick, Rory, and Yuri (Rory’s “evil twin” in the show”. Which would be Very Tricky to shoot with 1999 technology.

Anyway, Millie makes you solve a few middling riddles and then pretty much effs off for the rest of the game, making her a crazy memorable (not to mention straight-up crazy) character despite her lack of screen time (and overall pointlessness).

William Pappas is the never-seen yet always entertaining producer of “Light of Our Love”, who is super pissed about Rick trying to break his contract is “Light of Our Love” and says that he’ll kill Rick before he let him walk out on him. This threat, of course, is just Bill venting, and after Nancy defuses the bomb in Rick’s dressing room, Bill is more than happy to help her out.

As a suspect, Bill sucks, wholly and completely — to the point where he’s just not a suspect. As a character, however, he is a Delight and a Treasure, bursting with pointless personality. I aspire to be Bill Pappas.

Ralph Guardino is the twice-seen security guard at WWB who gives you access to the building, then promptly effs off until he appears to arrest Dwayne at the end. And yes, his name is just “Guard” with “-ino” added at the end. I guess Her used up all their imagination on weird and wonderful pictures to photoshop their characters into.

Ralph, like Bill, isn’t really a suspect at all; he exists because the story needed a job done, so they created a character to do it. He’s also Bill’s cousin, so there’s some added “meaning” that’s actually pointless as well. There’s nothing offensive about Ralph, per se, but there’s nothing good about him either. He’s just kind of…there.

The Favorites:

The general soapy tone of this game makes it fun, and Dwayne’s villain reveal/speech is only matched in its dramatic campiness by…well, his speech in RAN.

Bill Pappas is my Hero and I wish he’d gotten more screen time (though I love that we never see him), and Nancy’s delivery of “Prop Master of DEATH” alone is worth the price of admission.

The Un-Favorites:

First off, the fact that they forgot to put in the desk key really bothers me. I know that the only stuff in there are fake fan letters to Rick from Mattie, encouraging him to stay (which doesn’t point to guilt at all, and so is pretty pointless), but like…it’s locked. It must be important.

I know Her Interactive wanted to advertise their 100+ “close up shots”, but it drags the game down to look at everything — especially since hidden in those 100+ are 5-10 that are Super Tiny and that you have to click on, even if they don’t tell you anything new, or you’ll get stuck and be unable to progress.

Nancy’s inability to see Dwayne as the villain even when it’s patently obvious is a pretty serious knock against this game. Neither Bill nor Ralph are considered actual suspects, Mattie is cleared early on, Lillian is too snappish with you (too obvious, to Her Interactive’s way of thinking) to be it, and Millie is too old to do the physical stuff (and, with her wanting Rick’s character killed off, is also too obvious) and so as early as 1/3 into the game you’re left with Dwayne and Rick. As Rick needs himself to live so he can go on to Star in Movies, you’re just left with Dwayne, who all the clues point to anyway.

The Fix:

Fixing STFD would require totally re-coding it to fix sound and playability issues on newer computers, updating the graphics, fixing characters so that they don’t look like blow-up dolls…all those Quality of Life improvements are super important and vital to a fix.

But fixing it would also require some re-writing. I realize that Millie is in the game as a nod to the original writer of Nancy Drew, and it’s…well, definitely an homage, if not a good homage, but taking her out would go a long way to streamlining the game.

There are simply too many culprits for Her Interactive’s general ability to write multiple fleshed-out characters who are all plausible suspects (especially with Nik being gone), and so the result is that the incidents, character traits, and character appearances are spread too thin for anything but blatant caricature. Millie is simply the easiest character to remove, along with Bill Pappas and Ralph (who only appears twice anyway).

You could fold Millie into Lillian without too much trouble, get rid of Bill (though it breaks my heart to say it), have Ralph’s name appear early but have him only appear at the end to arrest Dwayne, and it would lighten the load that the story breaks under considerably. I don’t think this would make it an A+ story, but it would at least be less cluttered, and STFD is cluttered enough without needing extra help.

#nancy drew #nancy drew games #clue crew #STFD #stay tuned for danger #video games #nancy drew meta #my meta

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thenotsosecretdiary0 · 5 years ago

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“Don’t worry, She’s not my type..”

I’ve always tried to do my best by staying true to what my gut and what my intuition tells me. I ignored it once. I reaped the results of my ignorance. This is not a happily ending love story.

Before diving into this juicy tale, a disclaimer if you will. I, by no means, am innocent of making less than morally upstanding decisions. However, I do believe in being a good f****** person, and if I’ve respected you and have treated you well, backstabbing me is a one way ticket to my sh** list.

That being said….

Many months ago, in another lifetime it seems, I was dating a guy. Not usually the one I go for, but he was there for me in a fragile time where my mental health was recovering. I was convinced he was my person. A “nice” guy. He was living in the area temporarily, and upon his departure, we decided to indulge in the near impossible mission of attempting a long distance relationship. Mind you, I don’t long distance, just like I don’t really “relationship” well to begin with. However, I loved him, and I wanted to test myself to actually taking a risk for someone I cared about.

I helped him relocate by driving with him, and our bond became incredible. Weeks and weeks go by, hes settling in is new state and i am adjusting nicely to being his. I couldn’t believe it. I loved being in love. Communication faltered here and there, but we seemingly mended cracks along the way. The time came to visit him again, and I was aware that he has created new associations. Another exciting adventure. I get to travel again and finally end the countdown of annoying in between visits. All he spoke of before my arrival was about all the things to do, and his new “friends.”

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Important in numerous ways. One - I do not use the term “friend” lightly. Two, the new group consisted of two males, and outnumbering females. I will not pretend that I wasn’t apprehensive, but it was more in regards to how difficult females can be and if they would like me or not. He assured me that they were all “really cool.”

Fast forward, I touchdown and am in a state of bliss once again, reunited with my person, making memories and sharing experiences. I am in a great mental and emotional state. I decide that things will be fine and that i'm naturally overacting about meeting new people.

We go out, I meet the friends. The men, very amicable.. The females? Beautiful….

PAUSE.

A feeling. Small, in my gut, pangs me. I had no idea. I wasn’t necessarily expecting plain Janes, but….My man is surrounded by these beauties every day. They get to share jokes and memories that I won’t always be a part of. I dig myself out of my thoughts and reach for positivity. The night goes on, tequila flows, i’m with my guy in a new city and the ripple in my chest subsides.

Fast forward.

For the remainder of my visit, we all become friendly with each other. Social medias are exchanged and plans for an upcoming event are discussed.

My time to depart comes, I kiss my lover goodbye. Another countdown until the next visit begins.

There would be no next visit.

My person and I continue on, and one day he shares that one of the females in the group was taken advantage of by one of the men I had met on my last visit. As my person tells me the details of what he feels he can share, I see something familiar. My man was a softie for damsels in distress, hence how we ended up as an item. I saw it in his eyes, and heard it in his tone. He was excellent for the part of hero indeed. I put my selfish and ill timed emotions aside to focus on the Damsel (this is what we will call her for the remainder of this story.) I wanted to be selfless for her and her misfortune. Besides, I knew that my guy would be helpful to her. How helpful he was to her, I would soon know.

Some time later, Turmoil in my life causes me to evaluate certain things and I realize I need to work on myself. I do not want to burden my man with the issues I was experiencing and we had a talk. We agreed to take some time apart. We confirm that we still love each other and that time apart is what’s best for now. As I took time to self improve and become a better woman, he used his time to bond with the Damsel who I noticed had an increased amount of appearances and accompaniment through both of their social media. I told myself that he wouldn’t, couldn’t possibly have moved on so soon.

But, there’s that ripple again. The ripple grew and I read between the lines that he eventually started passing time between her legs. I disclose not what I suspected, because I let him go, right?

The event we had all originally planned to attend together draws near. We are all set to be under the same roof, however new details unfold. He finally tells me what I already known/suspected. An after finally disclosing their intimacy, they feel it’s best that I am no longer a part of the original arrangement.

The audacity right? I was his girlfriend when we I met the Damsel. He claimed she wasn’t even ….yeah you guessed it, HIS TYPE. Ha! I guess even the “nice guy” doesn’t have a type when it comes to the pearl in the center of the clam, so do not be fooled. However, her current position, literally and figuratively, outweighed who I used to be to him.

After everything….

…..but I digress.

My point of sharing all this is what? To vent? To take some time to be angry? To be petty? Answer is yes, but also a certain degree of the lack of respect. Even after breaking up, he chose the one that I was told not to worry about. I fell for it. But honestly, I have to take blame. My gut knew. My intuition flared and I stifled my most powerful of senses.

My grand statement now; Where do I start... Please don’t introduce me to your friends that are attractive because you’ll start banging them soon? There’s no time limit on how soon you can start rolling around in the sheets after a breakup? Dont be stupid and avoid obvious signs? All these things, I have learned all at once.

I’ve decided to share a few of my new guidelines.

His friends, are rarely yours too.

Females will never hesitate to console your man/ex.

They’ll comment and leave heart eyes on your social media WHILE spreading their legs for him.

Always trust your gut. Intuition and signs never lie. Especially between females. I read her like a book but gave her the benefit of the doubt anyway.

Don’t be too dense and assume that people naturally have the best of intentions.

Always choose yourself first.

My final thoughts? I wish him and the damsel the best, because I know better than most, karma takes her time, but she will find you no matter who you’re lying under.

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cummunication · 6 years ago

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Breaking Up (is hard to do)

Breaking up is hard to do. That’s not just some cliche catch phrase but it’s the truth. Breakups have always been the absolute worst for me. I’ve had a few but there’s only been one that was extremely difficult. The rest haven’t been a walk in the park but easier, rather. I have deep abandonment wounds so I not only loathe being abandoned but abandoning people. My worst fear is losing a loved one; probably because I lost my father at a young age and being adopted. Grief is a scary emotion which I try to avoid like the plague. This has left me to stay in situations a lot longer than is healthy. I was unhappy, yet due to my grief phobia, I would stay because it was better than losing someone. Anyone who’s gone through a breakup can understand how painful it can be. It’s not the post breakup which irks me but actually pulling off the band aid. You see, I’ve never been broken up with, so I can’t fully comprehend what it’s like. I’ve had breakups where it was mutual to go our separate ways but only after I initiated it. Yet I can empathize with anyone who has had a broken heart. It’s not just the person who is left that’s prone to heartbreak; I’ve been subjected to pain while doing the breaking up. After a breakup, strong feelings can linger for your lost love. We might put them on a pedestal, only to remember the good times which makes us miss them. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about writing a list of all their flaws in order to make yourself feel better. There’s no one size fits all solution to getting over someone. There is no perfect formula on how to break up but there are general guidelines on how to make it smoother. Most people generally need time, self-reflection, distraction, venting and good chocolate to heal. Don’t let anyone (especially yourself) tell you how fast you should be back on the market or forgetting about your ex. I cried every day for almost a year after my ex and I split. This was the person I wanted to marry, and my fantasy had been ruined. I felt I should have forgotten him or found someone new after a month passed. I figured he was over it and it put that much more pressure on me to let things go. I had to understand this was my first love and we were together for quite some time. Not to mention the relationship was tumultuous and dysfunctional so it made separating much harder. It wasn’t reasonable to set unrealistic expectations on myself. The length of recovery from a breakup can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. It is different for everybody and the circumstances of the relationship. It also matters how much effort you do or do not put into bettering yourself in order to move past your ex. Here are some tips when it comes to getting over or ending things with that someone… 1. Don’t only imagine the worst possible outcome; consider realistic possibilities as well. AKA, try not to catastrophize. We make things much harder in our heads then they actually are. Stay in the present and try not to worry about the future or dwell on the past. Learning mindfulness techniques can be helpful here. 2. Minimize the “if only” about the breakup and notice when you are having ruminating thoughts about the relationship. Write them down or take an artistic outlet to express your feelings. 3. Unplug from your ex; this means totally disconnecting from their social media and other forms of communication. AKA, don’t be a stalker and try to accept that it’s over. 4. Engage in new activities to restore your sense of self. We tend to lose ourselves in relationships since we invest so much time, energy and resources into another. Now is your chance to find yourself again and enjoy a little “me time” which we all deserve. Get back in touch with yourself and tend to your needs. If we jump right back into the dating scene, we can make the same mistakes we did in our last relationship and feel like we’re living a lie. Not to mention forcing feelings is never fun and nobody wants to be a rebound. 5. Be open to feedback, even if it’s difficult to receive. Recognize people want to help you. Be honest with friends and family about what’s going on. Also be honest with yourself and consider therapy. Nowadays, we don’t even need to leave our house for counseling so try not to make excuses about it being too much money or taking up too much time. It’s one hour of your day and most therapists accept insurance or work on sliding scales. Breakups can be pretty awful whether you are initiating or receiving the bad news. Remind yourself you are in control; this is your life and you have to do what’s best for you and vice versa. If you aren’t a sociopath, you are conscious of others feelings and most of us don’t like hurting people. Nobody is immune to the intense, negative emotions that come along with a breakup. We are (to an extent), forced to stop loving someone whom we shared our life with. If you are considering breaking up with someone, I suggest making a list of [their] pros and cons. I have done this in the past and when I saw how much longer the “reasons to leave” side was versus “reasons to stay”, I had to be truthful with myself. Just know that whether you just got dumped or did the dumping, you are important. You matter and just because things didn’t work out with someone doesn’t mean they wont with someone else. There are millions of people in this world and things are bound to not workout with a handful. That also means they are bound to workout with at least one. In the meantime, give yourself the love and respect you are missing and deserve.

#breakups #breakup #breakingup #missingyou #missingsomeone #love #blog #blogger #dating #relationships #relationshipadvice #movingon #letgo

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