#i never would have known what i'd missed!!! and here i fell in love with it from the very first page 😭

[gendzl]

I started reading a novel the other day that is a) huge and b) the first book in a trilogy, but the writing is so enjoyable that being just 80 pages in already feels too close to the ending. I love it so much I want to sleep with it under my pillow.

[hippielittlemetalhead]

Never Took The Time (To Forget) part 4.1 : With a Capital 'P'

Part 4.2 (Hey Dingus? Idk, the title for that one is up in the air.) will be up as soon as I have it somewhere I like (doing a different character's pov instead of Hop so it's giving me some trouble). Felt really bad that I hadn't updated in a while and this one was getting longer than I expected and I hadn't even gotten Robin really talking yet so... Happy Valentine's Day?

Part 1 (Hop Fucks Up), Part 2 (Pride and Prejudices: Joyce Edition), Part 3 (One of Us)

Family Video and the Arcade were two of the few businesses still operating after the inter-dimensional earthquakes that had tried tearing their town to pieces. Hop knew the kid who used to run the place for his uncle, Keith, had split town with his folks (said uncle in tow) leaving the store and arcade in the care of whatever employees had been willing to stay on payroll while the world fell apart.

He watches as Harrington's (more banged up than never remembers it being) car stops in front of the video store, parked parallel to the curb across at least 3 parking spots, as a wildly gesticulating Robin rolls herself out of the idling vehicle, jabbering loud enough that Hop can hear her voice from down the block. With most cars owned by the folks of Hawkins being commandeered by Owens' government goons to fill the gaps left by lost military vehicles it doesn't much matter but Hop can't help a bit of an eye roll at the kid's audacity.

But then again, he catches himself thinking, Steve was one of the only 'civilians' in-the-know and was well-known for carting around and protecting proven assets to the War Of The Worlds shitshow going on. So was there really an issue if the kid was one of the only cars on the road anyway and because he was even more read-in on the situation than even local law enforcement? If he was not only transporting and protecting people the government had a vested interest in but had proven himself more effective than even Hop and Joyce in wrangling the kids who had basically been saving the world for the last 4 years? If he kept them safe and out of harm's way in the thick of it but also kept them entertained and out from underfoot during the downtime?

Hell, the kid being one of the only employees left at some of the last businesses in town these brats would have any interest in almost guarantees the whole lot of them are continuously stocked in movies, snacks and quarters to distract them from even the most world shaking of calamities.

It hadn't occurred to him until just now what it meant for The Party that Steve and Robin seemed to be the only ones willing to hang around behind the counter at the arcade and sell and rent movies to shell-shocked townsfolk and tight-lipped government goons alike. Fuck, Lucas and Mike were right. He was an asshole.

He's pulled out of the slow spiral of realizing Mike Wheeler of all people had been right about something by Steve hollering one last "Love you, Bobby!" at a grinning and waving Buckley as she flung open the video store door and stumbled inside. He waits for the car and it's driver to round the corner before he gets out of his own government-issued station wagon. Fuck but he missed his truck.

"Welcome to Family Video, I literally just got here so you're gonna have to give me a minute before I can help you."

"I'm uh, I'm not here for a movie." He can tell she recognizes his voice (and it's a little impressive how quickly she clocks him since he's spoken only a couple words anywhere near her maybe twice in his memory. Girl has a good ear) from the way her entire body stills for a split second before whirling back into the hurricane of motion he's come to associate with her.

"Afraid we've only got movies round here, officer. You want any other medium of entertainment I'd suggest the arcade or the distribution yard." She's still not looking at him, hands busy shuffling papers and flipping open VHS cases. "Sorry, guess we'll have to catch up another time."

Hop sighs, running a hand over the short growth he's slowly getting used to again. He'd almost shaved it down again but El had been so happy when she'd realized they were growing out at about the same rate. He couldn't ever say no to her.

"Look, I know you don't like me. And it has been brought to my attention just how much I fucking earned that. But I- I need your help here, to fix it."

The flurry of movement doesn't stop but it's tighter, she's fiddling with something shoved up her shirt sleeve and tapping at the casing of a button connected to a wire leading into her green vest. Bright blue eyes are focused on him and he's almost reminded of the no-nonsense look Nancy Wheeler gets whenever they're faced with the world ending, but the girl in front of him is colder. He has no doubts that where Nancy Wheeler would tear down giants for what she believed is right, Robin Buckley would burn the world if it meant saving her people.

"Fine. He'll be back from his patrol-" He didn't remember assigning a patrol schedule and he's not sure if this is Steve's own initiative or if he's been roped into something by Owens' people. "in about twenty minutes. You have fifteen. Now why should I help you?"

The tag list below. Let me know if you want to be removed or if you go by a new/different tag you want on the list let me know which one I'm replacing and what I'm replacing it with please.

I've had some people ask to be tagged in this series who should already be in the list? If you see your name/tag but didn't get the notification that you were tagged please let me know so we can figure it out.

As always; like, comment and feel free to ask questions in the replies or my ask box.

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Tags that are not working on my end. Most of these Tumblr acts like they just don't exist and others I see accounts similar but 1 word, letter or number off. Please let me know if I put any of these down wrong!!

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[pseudowho]

Is living domestic life what you imagined it to be as a child/teen? I never thought I'd live this long and I dont know for how long I'll live anyway, but the thought of joy being found in the mundane keeps me going. Is it worth it?

By "domestic life", am I first to assume that you mean a 'nuclear family' in the classic sense?

Based on context, I'm going to assume so.

I also don't know why you feel, strictly, that you should have died and may yet die soon. I cannot make any assumptions on your health, physical or mental, so this also means all I can give you is my own experience. I don't mean to advise one not asking for advice, anyway; all you have asked for is insight.

So I came from the sort of family where, for the most part, being 'a mother' was every woman's main identity. It was just what the women were. For most of my life, I never assumed I would be anything but a mother. It's funny, because in hindsight, none of the rest of my life and career aspirations strictly matched with being 'a mother' in the traditional sense, so I clearly had a long term delusion, there.

If I had known how distinctly in possession of myself I was, I might have known how hard it would be to give myself up, for babies.

Either way...for context: I fell very hard in love, and we grew up together (from ages 14/15) still in love, and we are now 31 and 32. I am a midwife, he is an English Professor/Lecturer and Teacher. We married aged 22/23. We have three sons, aged 7, 4 and 1.

Good things about domestic life:

Loneliness isn't a thing, here.

Lots and lots of affection, both physical and emotional.

The load of life is shared (note: I have a husband who is very, very outside of the norm, with no toxic masculinity and an approach to equality/equitability in work, childcare and housework).

When you are your own family unit, you're pressured less by family to get involved in their shit. Because you've got your own shit.

Living with the love of your life is amazing.

Having babies who are half you, and half the love of your life, is an incredibly beautiful thing.

Raising babies, although supremely difficult, is a joy.

Taking turns being at home and at work is helpful.

You learn to be much more compromising, patient and forgiving.

Bad things about domestic life:

You don't realise how much personal identity, independence or privacy you will lose, being a parent.

Exhaustion.

Parenting is hard. Really hard. Really, really hard.

Finding time for each other, as a couple, is also hard. Any time you do find, at least one of you is likely exhausted.

Good god, so much cooking.

Good god, so much laundry.

Good god, I swear I just vacuumed yesterday.

Good god, groceries are expensive.

Barely keeping your head above water with life admin and finances and childrearing and housework and work and life and ever having any time alone, is absolutely real.

Very very little downtime.

If you are someone who finds joy in the mundane, then yes, you may find a lot of joy in domesticity. So much of it really is mundane; being at home with kids, is often simultaneously boring and stressful. Very odd. Perhaps I'll miss it when they're older.

My personal favourite moment, is the happy sigh at the end of every day, when the kids are in bed, and the house is largely clean, where you fall into each other's arms, and he looks at you like you built the world for him, and just says:

"Hello. You are beautiful."

And I bury my face in his chest, and breathe in the smell of him, and the stale cologne, and the sweat, and life, and say:

"God, I missed you. More than you know."

And it's basically the same, every day.

In a kind of beautiful way.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[abitterberryblog]

TWOTM Emissa Corenius : An Over-Analyzation

Major The Will of the Many spoilers and random theories ahead !!

Okay, so when I first read The Will of the Many, I wasn’t reading properly, and I just kinda assumed that Emissa was just a kinda blandly written character in such a well-written world. That was, of course, until the whole twist thing. What I liked was that it wasn’t a complete 360, and that she didn’t end up as extremely bad, but flawed enough for me not to be annoyed with her existence, and for her to not seem like only a Mary Sue 'love interest' character.

The thing is, I don't think she is at all.

First of all, I’m starting this with an analyzation of her relationship with Vis, and her not-so-role as a ‘love interest’. Was it real? Was it fake? I think she eventually did grow to be fond over him after a while, but I’ve always known she was going to betray him somehow. Something about the vibes.

It all started with the glass of water at the infirmary. I know there’s a chance that maybe she’s just, idk, kind or whatever, but after the ending, I’m not so 100% sure.

Not only that, but Ulciscor  constantly nagging about how suspicious he was of her. (Normally I'd pass it off as Ulciscor  being obsessed and hyper-anxious about the mission thing, but this was Emissa, and that caught my interest.)

There’s a really fat chance that she was, somehow, working with Veridius. This does not mean that she’s evil or whatever, and I'm still trying to figure out of Veridius is good or not, but it does make her a lot more interesting and complex.

Towards the end of the Iudicium, Emissa uses Will. You can’t use Will during academy stuff without some sort of source, or somebody allowing to use it. It's simply not possible?? Veridius? He’s literally the Principalis of the academy, after all, and during the infirminary scene at the end of the book, its implied that the Principalis spoke with Emissa beforehand, when he says to Vis that ‘she’s distraught’ and tries convincing Vis to talk to her.

What I noticed in this book is that the author, James Islington, is very careful in what he keeps in the book. Details. Hints. No matter how small or useless they seem. There are MAJOR spoilers, but : Here's a funny example I found.

See? Everything is littered in little details to be explored upon later. Even something as simple as a background detail of Aequa flipping coins.

ALSO, and something that I don’t see talked about for some reason, is the fact that Emissa knows that Indol was planning to deflect from Military to Religion. Indol never told her this. He’s shocked that she knows. Guess who may know??? Veridius???? That's right!!!

The question is, why would Veridius tell Emissa this? No idea from me here. But something else during the Iudicium arc catches my attention, and it’s the fact that Veridius PRIVATELY tells everybody what prize they would get if they won the whole thing. As implied by Eidhin (after he cancels on the Iudicium thing for Vis’ sake), Veridius often tempts them with something they really, really badly want,  and something that would drive them to want to win. 

I’m surprised not many people talk about that scene where Emissa asks Vis for the Heart of Jovan in the Iudicium, so she could win. She’s upset by this, obviously, since she cries and stuff, but I notice that she says “I can’t let us get separated.”

When I first read, I assumed she was talking about Vis, but that wouldn’t make sense, since she basically stabbed him as he fell off a tower (?) like, five seconds later. And also, her and Vis being separated wouldn't be related to her winning the Iudicium, (unless she's in a scenario where she'll have to leave forever or something if she doesn't win, which isn't really likely), Which makes me wonder, who was she really talking about?

Hopefully, we’re find out in the next book. Someone she really cared about? Relative? Family member? Am I missing something? Will this be important?

After all, we don’t exactly 100% know why Veridius planted Vis near the Callidus-Eidhin punchy debacle. He obviously knew Vis would step in.

At first I wondered if he was trying to kick Vis out and expel him, which is probably more likely, but right now I’m running on four hours of sleep and I am high on theories.

I think I’ve read this theory somewhere on the Hierarchy subreddit, too, but what if Veridius planned this whole thing, not to expel Vis, but to plant Vis near the stables as his punishment, maybe for Emissa to keep an eye on him? Or woo him for secrets or whatever the fuck? 

At the very least, whether Veridius did purposely plant Vis there for that sole reason, or as an afterthought after Vis worms himself out with the Threefold Apology, I do think that Veridius did make Emissa watch over Vis on purpose.

Otherwise, I think it’ll be a little random with Emissa just casually joining Vis to scoop horse dung, and I do not care how cool or attractive or fascinating he may appear, I still think it’s important. Hopefully? And why do I think so, you may ask?

I do not really think Islington deliberately wanted Emissa and Vis to be like, endgame, endgame. Like, The EndgameTM.  Maybe Emissa was trying to get more information on him. I don't know. It’s plausible. Emissa is top of the academy after Indol, and besides Indol being of course the smartest (as told by Vis), Emissa is FAR smarter than most readers deem her to be. I don't think everything as simple as this. Emissa simply cannot be this blind and radiant and carefree. She isn't in a perfume ad. We've established, from the book itself, that twotm is LAYERS upon LAYERS and twist after twist.

First of all, I’m so sorry, but Emissa and Vis have like no chemistry (imo). They do have maybe like a teeny, tiny bit, but the thing is that Vis has more chemistry with LITERALLY every other character his age BESIDES Emissa. I know, I know, every writer isn’t perfect, but there’s something so suspicious about Emissa and Vis’ dynamic.

As mentioned once on a Hierarchy Series subreddit post, Emissa and Vis have a strange dynamic that is unlike the others characters. With literally every single other character/friendship/relationship that Vis is in, there are details of each interaction, each feeling Vis has with them, what they do, bla bla bla, snippets of the scene, dialogue, ect.

But with Emissa, it’s sort of just…speedran? Like, besides the whole Suus island romance debacle and theatrics, their interactions just sort of go…

“Emissa visited me in the stables and we talked. For a long time. She helped me. She's nice. Also, her eyes are really green.” 

“Emissa sometimes studied with Callidus and I in the morning, sometimes not. Blablabla, she’s great and funny.”

“Emissa talked with me during Suus after noticing that I was uncomfortable with the politician people, blabla. ”

“Emissa and I trained together. In Three. Emissa helped me study. In Three. Wow, she makes me smile. Haha.”

Obviously, I'm exaggerating, but I'm definitely NOT wrong. Open the book and reread it. I DARE you to tell me I'm wrong.

See, there’s no real scene with them. Is it just me who noticed this? Just a time jump where Vis summarizes everything he did with her and how awesome and fun it was. There’s no way an author, writing a book with this much description and detail, just fumbles a romance by writing it like this.

NOT ONLY THAT, but even the CONFESSION scene isn’t anything as theatric as the rest of the book. Not even a SMIDGEN. Even the whole kiss can be easily forgotten. It’s not some dramatic confession. It's not romantic. It's not even sweet and heart-warming in that subtle, simple way. It's just a really lukewarm 'maybe i like you' and then boom, and it's over in an instant.

Vis mentions Indol and the secret that Emissa accidentally exposes of Indol, and then Emissa (suspiciously) changes the topic to how much she likes Vis and kisses Vis. And then boom, romance. A quick end scene, as if it wasn't ever important.

Isn’t it like, hella SUSPICIOUS? She changed the topic. Kissed him. Distracted him. And then the scene ended like it wasn't a whole Vis-Developing, Emissa-Developing, HUGE relationship moment.

Which, yeah, maybe she did like him at some point, but it sure as hell is convenient, isn’t it? I’m super invested in her character now, which is ironic because I used to not be able to STAND her because I just thought her character was just a really poorly written love interest.

I’m convinced Islington has the writer ability to write a confession/kiss scene much better, and much less random than that. Which means that I really don’t think he INTENDED to make hearts swoon. Just to distract.

Emissa is very fascinating, and few people acknowledge that, and I am EXTREMELY excited for The Strength of the Few to release.

[worriedvision]

Stuck in one place - Kazuha

Gender neutral reader, Kazuha travels to Mondstadt and finds a person who lives in the wilderness, seemingly bored of everything in Mondstadt just looking the same. Unhappy ending

_

When he came to Mondstadt he made the mistake of visiting you - a person who lived in the wilderness of Mondstadt. He was intrigued when hearing of a mysterious "being". Nobody knew who you were, nor were there any missing people's signs up besides the travelers sibling.

He spent time with you, convincing you people made places interesting once he realised you were very introverted but you loved playing your guitar. The music was quite pretty, but ominous to anyone who bought into the rumours you were a deity who planned to kill anyone who got close.

Of course, Kazuha couldn't help but be curious. Perhaps you were like a siren by luring people in with your music, but Kazuha thought you were simply sad.

When you first met, you were immediately taken in by him. You couldn't help but find him attractive, his soft voice matching his appearance. He sat next to you, offering to befriend you because of your music interest.

He'd visit you every night he was in Mondstadt, which led to the inevitable catching proper feelings for him. Ones you hadn't known, ones to warm your chest. He always gave you something interesting to look forward to. He even took you into the town once to show you how many different personalities there are, which once again made you think you were in love.

The last day he was in Mondstadt, you confessed to him. In response, he gave you a reality check.

"I'm afraid I travel alone." Kazha replies.

"I can come with you, please." You insist, only to drop back upon seeing Kazuha become more uncomfortable with your insistence.

"...I can see why you fell for me - I'm the first human you interacted with in a while." When you hear this, you just feel very embarrassed. "I enjoyed our time together in Mondstadt, however I'd prefer to just be friends. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can look at anyone the way you look at me."

Nodding, you slowly turn around nd hunch over, head in your hand as you realise how desperate you have grown.

"Next time I visit Mondstadt, I would like to see you again."

"...Don't visit me again." You blankly reply, Kazuha looking down at his feet. "My time in this world is short, it wouldn't have worked."

"...What?"

"You heard the rumours of a land Siren, yes? Well, that's true - I don't know my origin, but this guitar is a large part of me. I have no family, no friends."

"Apart from-"

"No, even you aren't a friend. All you are trying to do is soften my rejection, that much is clear." You sigh, grasping your guitar. "I have been given orders to burn the guitar, destroy my lifeform. I just wanted to leave this world without any regrets - so thank you for confirming you will never look at me the way I look at you."

"Perhaps if I speak to the Acting Grand Master I can find a cure for...you..." Kazuha stops, noting you have already started to walk away.

He hears you start a fire, and he spots the orange gleam of light that erupts when you throw the guitar in. Kazuha runs up to see you one last time, and you look...neutral. you don't look relieved of sad, you're just there.

Well, not now that you were growing more difficult to see as more of your dorm gets burned in the fire.

The fire died down after some time, leaving behind the guitar strings and the pegs holding them to the one existent body. You are no longer here, Kazuha could tell.

Kazuha places the strings in a more visible slit, finding a stick and making a headstone for you before paying his respects, leaving your body to rest.

[msftsnmemes]

EPIC: THE ITHACA SAGA STARTERS.

the challenge

"i'm supposed to choose a suitor to wear the crown."

"cause i would rather lie than allow them to think they've won."

"though i never thought i'd resort to this."

"but i don't know how much longer i'll last."

"just know i'll be here buying you time."

"cause i would rather die than grow old without the best of you."

"i would not have it any other way." "

hold them down

"where is he?"

"screw this competition, we've been here for hours"

"can't you guys see we're being played?"

"this is how they hold us down while we slowly age."

"where in the hell is our pride and our rage?"

"here and now there's a chance for action"

"here and now burn it down to ashes."

"only the ocean and i will know."

"i will not let any part go to waste."

odysseus

"i've suffered every punishment and pain."

"i have had enough."

"he's using the darkness to hide his approaches."

"our only chance is to strike him in the darkness."

"you don't think i know my own palace? i built it."

"you've destroyed the serpents head."

"let's have open arms instead." "let's make the bastard rot."

"we don't fight fair."

"there's a chance for us to win."

"mercy? mercy? my mercy has long since drowned."

"it died to bring me home."

"you've filled my heart with hate."

i can't help but wonder

"all my life i'd have died to meet you."

"thought about your name so much it hurts."

"and now you're here, i can't find the words."

"all this time i've wondered if you'd embrace me as your own."

"for so long, i've felt alone."

"oh my child, look how much you've grown."

"oh my child, the sweetest joy i've ever known."

"used to say i'd make the storm clouds cry for you."

"used to say i'd capture wind and sky for you."

"held you in my arms, prepared to die for you."

"i can only wonder what your world has been."

"things you've had to suffer, and the strength you hold within."

"all i've ever wanted was to reunite with my own."

"you were never one for hello's."

"i can't help but wonder what this world would be if we all held each other with a bit more empathy."

"i can't help but feel like i've led you astray."

"what if there's a world where we don't have to live this way?"

"if that world exists it's far away from here, it's one i'll have to miss."

would you fall in love with me again?

"is it you? have my prayers been answered?"

"is it really you standing there?"

"you look different."

"your eyes look tired."

"your frame looks lighter."

"your smile is torn."

"is it really you, my love?"

"i am not the person you fell in love with."

"i am not the person you once adored."

"i am not your kind and gentle partner."

"and i am not the love you knew before."

"would you fall in love with me again if you knew all i've done?"

"the things i cannot change, would you love me all the same?"

"i know that you've been waiting for love."

"what kind of things did you do?"

"hurt more lives than i can count in my hands."

"all of it was to bring me back to you."

"do you realize what you have asked me?"

"only my love knew that, so i guess that makes them you!"

"i will fall in love with you, over and over again."

"i don't care how, where or when."

"no matter how long it's been you're mine."

"don't tell me you're not the same person."

"i love you."

[swmmi-kti]

Lay Me Down For One Last Time

Sanemi Shinazugawa X Fem reader

TW: Angst, Sanemi doesnt live fellow queens sorry

Dni/Dnf

You had known since you had met Sanemi That he was doomed to die eventually. As tragic as it seemed and how he explained all he did you never fully could fathom believing it. You Were a former kakushi and truly you had never thought you'd ever come close to being near a hashira. And yet....

Yet both of you lost a lot and gained so much. A Family and the loss of loved ones. You could remember it clear as day. Coming in with the rest of everyone to say goodbye to your life that you had grown to enjoy. Shedding the face covering as you stare at the pile of clothes , Staring intensely that it caught attention.

"Thinking" A gruff and almost horse voice says and it makes you startle as you turn. White hair and bandages. all you could see beside the dark contrast of purple eyes staring deep into your soul.

"oh...yeah haha...i guess i just never thought id live to i guess live the day i never have to work as a kakushi...gosh does that makes sense" You say rubbing your neck as your hair clings to your forehead covered in sweat from the heat

"ah yes. I never thought i'd actually live to see the day that we defeat Muzan" He says in that same almost pained voice as he tries to sit down beside you. You hear the tell signs of bones aching and look at him a bit surprised he's even sitting next to you

"Guess life is funny like that huh?"

You could not recall ever stopping the chatter with him. From that day onward it was like a comfort routine to hold onto a sense of normalcy. To see him recover to know all he's done. In a way to be acknowledged for all you did on the sidelines.

You could never deny your admiration for the Hashira, Truly you were saddened by the fact only three Pillars had survived, yet two doomed to die so young.

When you fell for Sanemi you could never recall. Especially how he had seemed to have mellowed out over the time he had to relax How his tired eyes still crinkle when he smiles. Perhaps is how every moment he gets he takes time to say the names of every fallen loved one he lost.

Genya, You had heard that name countless of times. How he got the tiniest bit of tears in his waterline as he spaced out. Those moments were bad. Often holding his hand to ground him, letting him have the time he needs to come back from the shell shock he had undergone for years. possibly even more.

You remember how he held your hand in those moments squeezing tight enough to hurt but always kissing your knuckles when they ended up hurt by his big hand.

How he let his cheek rest on the back of your hand. How he whispered soft 'sorry's

Oh how your heart yearned for his.

"Before Miss Amane had... well She had warned if I made my Mark appear my life would be shortened significantly"

You nod at him as you lean just a bit closer to him "how old would you be?"

He remains quiet far too long for your own comfort "I love you" He says almost like a whisper.

You can feel the wind around you picking up. Sanemi saw the twinkle of your eyes as you let out just a small gasp but not too startled as you lean closer to him

You knew then what he meant....not long at all

"I Mean it Y/n. I Truly to love you, I Guess i never saw myself having anything to my life but fighting demons, Now that i dont have to worry about life and death i want more." He says looking at you and you let yourself be sweet talked. He made your heart swell with adoration

You can feel his hand on your cheek as you rest gently on it. sighing as you look at him to continue

"I realize i want a wife. I want someone by my remaining side. Even have a kid if i can. I know i wasted my time here constantly fighting every day and never thinking of anything else but.."

"Dont ever say you wasted your time here Sanemi! You fought for the betterment of mankind and for that you must never say you wasted it!" Your voice is hard, much line a mother scolding her kid

"oh how my heart yearns for you And I have never loved anyone else but Gods do I love you...I love you. Need you so badly and want you so desperately it makes me furious you aren't mine. I want you there during my mornings and there on my painful nights. Lay me down my tomb so long as it's your soft hands doing so"

You remember the first kiss. the feeling of his lips on yours. When he held your face so softly it made your heart flutter even more, recall the way his hands grace your hair and you cant help but feel your heart flutter even now thinking about it.

The simplicity of love is so magical and so delicate, Thinking about it all makes you forget the impending feeling of sorrow that has followed you for the last year.

And Why should you? Why does it follow you. You've just had your first born no less than four months ago now, his little fingers curled around his father's large index finger too. Tiny thumb being sucked as Sanemi looks at you.

"Sanemi, i believe our Efforts have paid off" You say as your hands find your plate to sit down and eat next to your husband

Remembering the love he has for you as you sit and wait for him to raise his head "What efforts?"

"Well You know Having a kid and such" You try to play off. as you take your chopsticks in hand to eat, hearing the tell tale signs of choking and wood splintering

You try to stifle a laugh as you see him recover almost splashing his face with the water he downs as he turns to you with eyes as large as disks " Are you? Are you implying?"

"oh i'm not implying my dear, i'm telling you a fact here we will have a small little one in a few months time if everything goes to plan of course" You reply as you can feel his arms wrap around your waist. ignoring the rest of his meal as he lays on your lap and brings an ear onto your stomach

Your hand raking his hair as you hum while you eat. It seemed that finally you will have more to Sanemi than himself. and for once you couldn't wait.

But that was then and this is now. You knew about the curse, you knew about it and the world is so cruel. Not only to know you will lose Sanemi. But To have made it near impossible to conceive for two years and finally when you do it leaves only a few months for Sanemi to be a father.

Only so long for your child to be held in his father's embrace. So little time so cruel. It Made you cry at night when you slept close to them. When you say Sanemi's hand reach out to your child's tiny hand, when Sanemi kept his hand on his tiny chest to ensure he is breathing.

You cry because you know your child will never know Sanemi and Sanemi will only get to enjoy the toddler phase. Only get to enjoy the tiny moments and never get to experience him growing. Never see him walk, talk lose his first tooth.

The Day draws closer and you are so afraid of it ever approaching, and yet you try to enjoy it.

Try to enjoy the Remaining days as you see Sanemi blow raspberries into his tiny tummy, Watching Sanemi change his clothes and nappies and fed him when he could.

You knew why and it hurt your heart so, Constantly holding to him and you watch intently and try to gain as much affection from him as you possibly could.

From morning to night you watched as Sanemi enjoyed your little tot

And until you lay down your babe you lay your head on his shoulder "....are you scared?"

He stays quiet as his finger traces your son's chubby cheeks. "No, i enjoyed my time here, i served a good life, have an amazing wife and a child"

You nod as you hold his hand "you'll wait for me on the other side right?" asking carefully as you look at him

"You never even have to ask. For you i will wait forever and a day should you want to keep me waiting haha" Seeing him laugh as he looks at you makes you realize You really did have the nicest Husband in all the world.

"You know.... it's unfair our little Genya won't even know you" You say as you lay next to him as your hand remains on his chest. He chuckles as he looks at the ceiling before back to you

"I guess Both my Genya's never had the greatest Sanemi huh?"

"I wouldn't say that" You laugh as you kiss his forehead. Watching his eyes close and begin to sleep. Your hand remains on his chest and you watch intensely as the time ticks by

Each breath is slower than the last, and you gulp down the lump on your throat as you feel the half of your heart leave. The Half you will never have again.

Sanemi Shinazugawa was a great swordsman. A Great honorable man, A Great brother A great husband an Amazing Father...But Most importantly he is a great story

[doe-eyed-fool]

Fear Of The Known

Lucifer x Fem!Angel!Reader

|Chapter Twenty Three|

Y/n was in Lucifer's tower, the two sat on the bed as Y/n helped preen Lucifer's wings. "Goodness, Luci." Y/n spoke as she removed another loose feather from Lucifer's top set of wings, adding it to the pile of feathers at her feet.

"You could fill several pillows with the amount of feathers you're loosing." Lucifer chuckled. "That's months of neglect for you, that, and the fight with Adam might have strained them a bit."

"Months?" Y/n raises an eyebrow. "Was it not driving you crazy? It had to have been uncomfortable. I know I get like that whenever it's time for me to preen."

"I kinda got use to the feeling, and uh...I didn't really care much." Lucifer admitted. Y/n sighed. "Lucifer, you need to take better care of yourself, love." She plucked another loose feather from his wings, and added them to the pile.

"I know." Lucifer nods. "It's just, after Lilith left I just...Well, really, even before she left, I was beginning to care less and less. About myself, about what was going on around me, nothing seemed appealing to me anymore. Not the way it use to. When Lilith and I split, and when Charlie and I stopped talking...I really didn't care about anything then."

Y/n felt her heart break as she heard Lucifer speak, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. "Well, now that I'm here, I'll do my best to make you care again. Because I care about you Lucifer, so very much." Lucifer exhales softly, his hand resting on Y/n's arm.

"I love you." He told her. Y/n smiled. "I love you too."

"Now." Lucifer starts. "When are you due for a preening?" He asks. Y/n hummed in thought. "Not for another month." She glanced over her shoulder at her new wings. "I uh...I don't think I'll ever get use to the change."

Lucifer's smile faltered. "You will. It just takes time. Trust me, I'd know..." Y/n turned her attention back to Lucifer's feathers as he continued to speak. "I didn't even notice the change and what it did to my body. All I could feel in that moment, was the wind hitting my body as I fell. Even when I landed, I couldn't process any of it. Only that, home looked so far away..."

Lucifer chuckled bitterly. "Oh but I felt it after. But..." He looked down at his clawed hand. "The realization was far worse than any pain I felt in that moment."

Y/n could finally say she could relate. Though, she would never forget how painful the transformation was, and the toll it took on her once pure body and soul. She had no idea it was so terrifying. Even knowing she would never be the same once she made her choice, she didn't consider just how heavy the cost would be.

Maybe she didn't want to think about it, maybe she blocked it out of her mind and focused solely on returning to Lucifer. That could very well be it. And it was all worth it.

"I'm glad you made it here when you did." Said Lucifer, a light tremor to his voice. "If I didn't heal you in time..." He sighed, banishing the thought from his mind. "Y/n, I want to ask you something." Lucifer's wings vanished as he turned to face Y/n.

"Do you remember when I mentioned giving Lilith my mark?" Y/n nods. "I do."

"Well, I was doing some thinking and..." Y/n didn't miss the way Lucifer's cheeks turned a light shade of gold. "May I give you my mark?"

"What exactly would that mean?" Y/n asked. Lucifer fiddled with his hands nervously. "Well to put it bluntly, it would mean giving total devotion to me. I-It's damn near a...m-marriage proposal." He spoke that list bit quickly, looking away from Y/n.

Y/n's own face heated at that. A marriage proposal? Or, at least, a close enough comparison. "O-Oh..."

Lucifer looked back to her again, his words coming out much faster and stammered this time. "B-But! You don't have to! I was just thinking, i-it would help me keep a better watch on you! I-I mean, not that I would be stalking you or anything! I-It's just-"

"Luci." Y/n held his cheeks gently. "Slow down. Take a breath, and explain it to me."

Lucifer did as she said and inhaled deeply, then exhaled as he began to explain. "If you were to accept my mark, I would be able to sense you a lot easier than without it. Should you ever need me to be there, I will be. All you would need to do, is summon me. That's where the devotion bit comes in."

Y/n nods and he continues. "Accepting this mark, would mean complete and utter loyalty to me. But it wouldn't be a one sided thing, believe me, you already have my devotion. This mark, will only enhance my commitment."

"Though, if you were to ever um..." Lucifer's voice dipped into one of sadness. "No longer wish for such a commitment, I can always remove it from you." Y/n could only imagine he was thinking of Lilith as he said that.

Y/n took hold of his hand, Lucifer met her eyes. "I didn't defy the laws of Heaven and leave behind everything, to not love you with my entire heart and soul." She said firmly. "Now." She leaned in to kiss his forehead. "How about you give me that mark?"

Lucifer's face turned a shade of gold again before he chuckled. "You are..." He sighed breathlessly. "Everything." His hold on her hand tightened. "Let's begin, shall we?"

"Right." Y/n sat up straight. "What should I do?" Lucifer hummed. "Well, first, where would you like the mark? It can be anywhere you please. It's like getting a tattoo."

Y/n took a moment to think, then she smiled. "Here." She placed her hand on the left side of her chest. "I've already given my heart to you, so..." Lucifer chuckled. "How pleasantly corny, my love."

"Hush you." Y/n laughed. Lucifer raised his hand, the tip of his index finger began to glow faintly. "I should warn you now. You might feel a bit of an odd sensation. Shouldn't be painful however."

Lucifer moved his claw to hover over the spot Y/n chose. The glow became brighter before he began to move it. His finger tracing a sigil that left the same bright glow behind. His movements were quick but precise.

Y/n felt the area of skin where he worked become warm and tingly, a light pressure followed the trail of his clawed finger, but it was nothing too intense. Lucifer finished by drawing two circles around the sigil, one slightly bigger than the other.

And in between the lines of the two circles he wrote:

LUCIFER

Lucifer drew back his hand, the glow of the mark stayed for a second or two longer before fading away completely, as if it were never there. This confused Y/n. "Why didn't it stay?" She asked.

"Oh trust me, it's there." Lucifer told her. "It will make itself known should you ever need me." Y/n placed the tips of her fingers to her chest, and smiled. "I'm glad you trusted me to do this."

"Y/n, it should be me thanking you." Lucifer meets his hand to Y/n's, both resting on her chest. Lucifer could feel her heartbeat against his skin, it was a constant reminder, her heartbeat. That she was here, with him.

Never to be separated again.

It was just as shitty as all the other times she has been here. Filled to the brim with filth. Everywhere she looked, every sin imaginable thrived. No good resided in this place.

Disgusting.

Lute wouldn't be caught dead staying in a place for longer than she needed. But she was seeking out help. Help from the one person she trusted more than anyone else.

'It's been long enough. He should be here.' Lute thought as she pushed by a couple of scrawny demons. They both yelled obscenities at her as she walked on. If not for the hooded cape she wore, those demons would have fled at the sight of her, an exorcist angel.

Lute carried on, though, she would have loved nothing more than to bleed those two animals out. But she'd have to keep her cover for now. Otherwise, she might as well throw her plans out of the window.

Concentrate. She must concentrate. Focus, on the steps ahead, one at a time. And only then, would she get her revenge. But the days of searching have been wearing on her patience. She was ready to fly to that hotel and slaughter everyone inside, King of Hell be damned.

Lute let out a growl of frustration. If only she could find-

"Do you know who I am!?"

Lute stopped in her tracks.

"I am the original dick! The man! You'd be so lucky to get to fuck all this!"

Lute turned to the source of the voice, her eyes growing wide. There, in a dingy alleyway, was the man who she thought she had lost for good. She hurried over, pushing anyone out of her way, even the cheap skank he was talking to.

"The fuck!? Can't you see I was in the middle of a conversation!?" He looked different. The filth of Hell had tainted his once pure image.

His wings, missing their once golden feathers, were now leathery like an oversized bat's. His golden eyes, now a deep black only broken by piss yellow pupils. The horns his mask had, were now real, protruding from the top of his head. His snarl showed off his razor sharp teeth.

"Hello?? You hear me talking to you!"

Lute grabbed his arm and lead him deeper into the alley, ignoring his protests. Once hidden enough, she removed the hood from her head. "Adam! It's me!"

Adam blinked. "Danger tits?" Lute nods, standing up straight and saluting him. Adam smirked. "Well, here I thought I'd seen the last of you. Miss me much?"

Lute nods. "Sir. I have much to tell you. And if you're up for it, I have something planned." Adam hummed. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?" Now it was time for Lute to smirk.

"Let's just say, a certain prophet is involved."

Adam chuckled darkly. "I like the way you think." Before Lute could revel in his praise, he continued. "But! I'm more focused on bringing down that sunshine and rainbows bitch of a princess. Her and her cockblocking dipshit of a daddy!" He growled.

"Oh trust me sir. Both of them have a soft spot for Y/n. How do you think they'll feel when we kill her?" Asked Lute. "Don't worry. We'll have plenty of time to deal with those royal assholes. But first." Lute's grin fell suddenly, a more dark expression taking it's place.

"I wanna see that prophet bitch bleed."

Adam shrugs. "Eh, fine. But how are we gonna do that? It's not like I can go back to Heaven." Lute let out a laugh. "Oh, I guess you wouldn't know." Adam gave her a confused look.

"Precious little Y/n fell. She's no more pure than the rest of the dirtbags down here."

Adam laughed. "Oh that's too perfect! Nothing can stop us from grabbing her!"

"I wish." Lute groaned. "Like I said, Lucifer has a soft spot for her. In fact, the two are lovebirds." She spat bitterly, the very idea of it making her sick. "We'll have to get her alone. Otherwise Lucifer will make quick work of us. And I'm not exactly at my prime."

Lute moved the cape around her, revealing her new metal arm. "But trust me. I'm plenty strong enough to kill that bitch." The sound of metal meeting filled their ears as she clenched her fist tight.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Adam spreads his wings out wide. "I've be dying to spill some demon blood again."

"In time." Lute starts. "When the moment comes, we'll strike. In the meantime, we'll keep a low profile. Nothing it going to stand in the way of this. First, Y/n, then...the rest of those sinful filth."

Quiet. It was so very quiet now. Any other day, he'd have her here, to fill the quiet in his office. Her occasional visits, her gentle voice, her smile, all, made his life full. Filled his days with joy, made this place, that much more lovely. Like true paradise.

But now she's gone.

He would have loved nothing more, than to blame her absence on that vile demon woman. But he knew better. She was never happy here, so much so, she would call upon demonic power to take her away from it all.

Just so she could be with...him.

And now all he was left with, was the quiet.

"Michael?"

The Archangel prince lifts his head up, tearing his attention away from his paperwork at the voice. In the doorway of his office, stood Galim. Michael suddenly stood from his desk. "Well?" He asked urgently. Galim was silent for a moment before speaking.

"Y/n's soul now resides in Hell." Galim spoke. "As you can imagine, she is no longer an angel, therefore...she is unable to return." Michael looked down at his now fisted hands. Unable to return, unless he brings Princess Charlotte's hotel into consideration.

But he was no fool. Y/n did not want to come back. "I'm well aware she isn't coming back." He spoke lowly. "She...survived the transformation, correct?"

Galim nods. "She did."

Michael sighs. "Then, what's the situation with Roo? Has anyone been able to track her down?" Galim let out a sigh of their own. "Unfortunately, no. She was able to sneak right out from under us."

"She getting weaker." Michael muttered. Galim gave him a confused look. "Weaker? How do you figure?"

"When I found her in the dungeons, I could sense it then. How weak her soul was. Meaning she's loosing the ability to travel between Heaven and Hell." Michael went on. "She was using Y/n, but for what? They made some sort of deal. We can't let our guard down, she's up to something."

"Precautions have been made, I assure you." Said Galim. "Another invasion like this will not go unnoticed." Michael put a hand to his temple. "Y/n's gone, Roo is becoming a threat once again, what else?"

Galim cleared their throat. "Well..." Michael than groaned. "What is it?"

"Lute is missing." Galim began. "All of the exorcist angels have been handled and accounted for. All but that one, Lute. Given her bloodlust and Adam now residing in Hell, it's suspected she might be up to no good."

Michael walked out from behind his desk. "Understood. I'll handle it." Galim stepped aside as he passed. "Shall I and Azrael accompany you?"

"No." Said Michael. "This will be resolved quickly. Adam is about as powerful as an imp in his current state. And Lute will fair poorly if she choses to put of a fight."

Michael opened a portal to Hell. "Thank you for your report, Galim. I will take it from here."

Charlie raced through the streets of Pride, apologizing quickly whenever she bump into somehow. Her heart hammering her chest, mind racing, switching between thrilled and terrified.

She made it to the entrance of her hotel and burst through the doors with a shout. "Everyone! Holy shit, I have big news!"

Vaggie was first to speak up as she hurried to Charlie. "Whoa, what happened? What's going on?" She asked, a hint of urgency in her tone.

"This better not be anymore shit about Heaven." Husk grumbled from behind the bar. "It is!" Charlie nearly yelled. Husk groaned. Angel, who was sitting at the bar rolled his eyes. "Oh great. The fuck do those righteous assholes want now?"

"I bet they wanna blow up the hotel again!" Niffty giggled, bouncing on her heals excitedly.

"Well, Charlie? What is it then?" Alastor speaks up. "What's this big news that has you oh so frantic?"

Charlie inhaled and exhaled deeply a few times before speaking. "I just got back from my meeting. It went really well, amazingly well actually! And now...nooooow..." Charlie started to get frantic again.

Vaggie took hold of her hand. "Charlie, babe. Calm down, what is i-"

"God is coming to visit the hotel!" Charlie exclaimed.

The entire lobby went silent. Everyone looking to each other, shocked and extremely confused. This had to have been some sort of joke. God, the big man himself, coming to the hotel? No way. Now way in literal Hell was this actually true.

"Hey what's with all the commotion?" Lucifer and Y/n appeared at the top of the stairs, everyone looking to them now. "Uh...did we miss something?" Lucifer muttered.

Y/n look to Charlie as they both descend the stairs. "Did something happen?" Charlie nods. "Y-Yep! Uh, God was interested in the hotel so much, that he wants to come see it himself...in person..."

Both Lucifer and Y/n's face paled.

"I'm sorry...what!?" Lucifer yelled. "Did you say yes?"

"Of course I did!" Charlie tells him. "Dad, don't you see? This could mean big things for this hotel! If God himself thinks it's a good idea, then people will be more tempted to give it a try!"

"This is wonderful news! Even though I'm...absolutely terrified of actually meeting him." Charlie laughed weakly.

"Well you should be." Lucifer said, Y/n shot him a look. "Lucifer."

"It's the truth! I highly doubt he would give two shits about this hotel or the wellbeing of it's residents." Lucifer spat angrily. "I know how Heaven can be, how they look down on people like us." He looks to Charlie. "Call of this meeting."

"What!?" Charlie exclaimed. "Dad! I'm not going to do that! Can't you set aside your personal feelings for once!?"

"This is for your own good, Charlie! I won't say it again, you will call of that meeting!" Lucifer's voice teetered onto a more authoritative one. "Or I'll do it myself!"

"Lucifer!" Y/n spoke firmly. Lucifer's harden expression fell when he saw the look in her eyes. "A word." Lucifer looked back to Charlie, her eyes tearing, despite her furious expression.

It broke his heart every time his daughter cried, and now, she was crying because of him. Lucifer sighed deeply and opened a portal back to his tower before he and Y/n walked through.

Once they entered the tower, there was brief stretch of silence before Y/n spoke. "She's right, you know? You need to set aside your anger for him Lucifer. You daughter has nothing to do with what happened between you both."

"I know that." Lucifer muttered. "I know but...I just don't trust this. It'd be the same if anyone else up there came down here. None of them have good intensions. You should know that."

"I do know that, Lucifer." Y/n argued. "But Charlie is doing great things down here, saving lives, you know it can happen. That it's possible. And now they know it too. God is willing to give her a real chance, unlike so many others. Don't you think it's worth the risk?"

Lucifer fell silent. Y/n grew closer to him, taking his hands. "I'm bitter towards them as well, Lucifer. Not as much as you, but still so. But like I said, this has nothing to do with you or me."

"I just..." Lucifer starts. "I don't want her to end up like me. Expecting so much, having such high hopes, only for it all to come crashing down. I was never the same after what happened. I can't bare to watch Charlie go through the same."

"She won't. Charlie is a lot stronger than you think. Even if God doesn't approve, so what? She'll still have people who believes in her. Her friends, her partner, me." Y/n cups Lucifer's cheek. "You."

Lucifer sighs and leans into her touch. Y/n leans in and kiss his forehead. "I'll give you some time to think this over." She moves away and walks towards the bedroom door. Before she leaves, she offers Lucifer a warm smile. Lucifer returns it, before she leaves him alone.

Y/n makes her way back down to the lobby, most have cleared out aside from Husk and Angel, who were still at the bar. "Is Charlie alright?" She asks the two.

"I think so." Said Angel. "Vaggie took her up to their room, haven't heard anything yet."

"Alright." Y/n nods. "Let her know I've spoken to her father. I'll be back."

"You heading out?" Asked Angel.

"Just for some fresh air. The news of God's visit has me a bit shaken." Y/n chuckles. "Did Charlie say when he'd arrive?"

"Two weeks from now." Husk tells her. "You be careful, alright?" Y/n smiles and waves the two goodbye as she walks out of the hotel.

Y/n leaned against the doors with a long exhale. Her gaze traveling up at the sky to the Heaven portal. "Two weeks..." She started to walk. "Seems pretty short when someone like you is on the way."

It feels like it's been ages since the last time she's spoken to God. And after everything she's done, she wasn't sure she should anymore. But she could allow herself to be a coward. Charlie was far more important.

She stopped and took a deep breath. "It'll all be worth it."

"I sure hope it was."

Y/n wouldn't have time to process the sudden voice in her ears, before a hand covered her mouth, and her body being lifted high up into the air, being taken far, far away from the hotel.

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[lesbianwriter64]

willow and this is me trying ARE PART OF THE FOLKLORE LOVE TRIANGLE

I have no idea why I've never seen anyone else say this when there's so much evidence. I'll start with willow, which to me is so clearly from the perspective of august in a scenario where James gets back with her instead.

"Wherever you stray I follow. I'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans" sounds exactly like "cancel plans just in case you'd call and say 'meet me behind the mall'" in august

"Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in", "Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark" willow details a secret relationship, just like the relationship in august.

"Like you were a trophy or a champion ring, there was one prize I'd cheat to win" August and James were literally cheating (no shade to August, of course)

"I never would've known from the look on your face, lost in your current like a priceless... wine" The correct rhyme would have been face, and I've always noticed how jarring the word 'wine' is in the song. I think this is intentional, to reference the line "august sipped away like a bottle of wine" that's repeated in the song august. That same line also emphasizes the uncertainty and confusion of the relationship in august.

"You know that my train could take you home, anywhere else is hollow" In the song cardigan, Betty sings about James "stepping on the last train", a.k.a. choosing August over her, and in this song, the narrator's relationship with her muse is also compared to a train taking their muse away.

"Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, they count me out time and time again... but I come back stronger than a 90s trend" No-one except August took this relationship seriously initially, with James calling it a "summer thing", and Betty saying she knew it wouldn't last. Despite this, the song shows that James did get back together with August eventually.

As for this is me trying, the song is obviously from James' perspective while on their way to apologize to Betty, with the bridge from Betty's perspective:

"It's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound" This line (in the bridge) is from Betty's perspective, and James goes to Betty's PARTY to apologize. Betty also compared her pain to an open wound in cardigan, "you drew stars around my scars, but now I'm bleeding", "marked me like a bloodstain"

"I didn't know if you'd care if I came back, I have a lot of regrets about that" The speaker in the first verse is someone returning to someone they left, with a lot of regrets, just like in Betty

"Maybe I don't know quite what to say, but I'm here in your doorway, and I just wanted you to know that this is me trying" We know James apologizes at Betty's door, "I'm here on your doorstep" and is confused about how to save the relationship, "I don't know anything, but I know I miss you".

"Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here" Though I do feel that this second verse could be from the perspective of a third person (August? Inez? Who knows), it does establish a school setting, quite possibly a high school setting.

"It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you" Also from the bridge (a.k.a. Betty's perspective), and we know that Betty wanted James back, and took them back, because she was in so much pain over James leaving.

Like, it's so obvious???

[rosesloveletters]

help me find my way back.

pc: x

Pairing: 1971 Willy Wonka x Reader

Word Count: 1,912

Warnings: Nudity, depictions/mentions of anxiety and depression.

Summary: ‘When it’s storming’, Willy would often say, ‘the last place you want to have your head is in the clouds.’ // Reader and Wonka bathe together, while Reader reflects on their own difficulties as they fight to determine whether true love is strong enough to make them not give up on themself.

Author's Note: This story was born from a long walk taken on a cloudy autumn day. All I had were my thoughts and that was enough. I never would have anticipated I'd be writing for this character, but life works in mysterious ways. I am just pleased to be writing again. Enjoy.

Edited.

divider created by @/saradika on Tumblr.

You knew when it became real love. 

It started with a breath of fresh air you imagined taking, because you were so stifled there beneath the false canopy. You loved the sanctity of the factory, but just once would you have delighted in the feeling of warm sunlight sinking into your skin instead of the fluorescent lights recessed into the ceiling above your head. You missed having your head in the clouds instead of gazing up at artificial cirrus and synthetic cerulean blue. 

You could have left any time you liked, but that would have been too easy. Some dreams were worth chasing, even if it came with certain sacrifices. You could make do without a lungful of outside air, but you couldn’t take a chance on losing out on yourself. 

There was a time when you were the cause of the crushing weight on your chest; you would reclaim that time proudly, which coincidentally was the very heart of the problem. 

If the heart knew what it wanted, then yours must have lost its way a long time ago. Perhaps that was why you’d been experiencing palpitations lately. 

This would not be the first time your heart led you astray. 

Even so, you hoped that this time might be different. 

‘Could this be enough?’ you asked yourself. ‘Could he be enough?’

Your mind had been cloudy enough to make up for the lack of them in here. You felt trapped inside a mind and body that were not your own; you could not control your own brain and no longer could manipulate your thoughts. You hesitated when you spoke because your train of thought kept derailing. 

It wasn’t enough to keep trying to save someone who was already lost.

That was, until the echoes of him came to exist within your very pulse. His cornflower blue eyes – you’ve been pining for that same shade of blue sadness for far too long – were reminiscent of ones you laced within your own hair as a child. His literacy reignited your hunger for knowledge and how you used to devour each page of the books you loved. His sarcastic wit reminded you of how you’d painstakingly perfected the art of elocution and used it to your advantage time and again. 

He bridged the gap between your past and present and in the death of your disunity, you fell in love, both with him and with yourself. 

His presence in your life cut through the fog in your mind like headlights glistening through the haze. You still had miles to go, uncharted territory to map out, before you could lie down and rest comfortably within his arms, but even though you had a long way to travel, he’d take every step with you as if the journey were his own. 

Never would you cry yourself to sleep alone, feeling the weight of your misery pressing down on you rather than the warm body of your beloved. 

You had known love before and felt it, deep within the presently vacant cavity of your chest. You knew it existed and, yet it came and went, changing like the seasons, traveling like a storm. 

If love were meant to be that violent, then why was his embrace as warm as springtime sunshine? Why were his eyes clear blue like that of the sky after it rained? Why did his heart beat, not like thunder, but like undulating ripples of a quiet pond? 

He filled your mind with poetry and it came spilling out of you now. 

If you were to take the form of a golden leaf, nature’s waste discarded upon the ground, would your beauty be unique enough to make him pick you up and put you in his pocket? If you were a clump of moss growing steadily upon a concrete pillar, would you be able to feel the graze of his fingertips along your plush foliage? If the two of you were coffee rings left by two overflowing mugs staining the mahogany, would you overlap? 

It was no question as to what had changed to make you think this way again; as often as you’d tried to fill the void in your chest with someone else’s heart, he made you realize the one you must nurture first is your own. 

You would sink into yourself again, the same way you were about to sink into the bath you’d just run for you and Willy. 

You reached for the faucet and turned it, shutting the water off, and watched the last few drops cling to the cold steel, then fall into the bath. You reached out and let your fingers delicately graze the surface of the water as you tested the temperature. You were delighted by how easily calm waters turned rough; Willy would say you’re halfway to a metaphor there. 

Once you had deemed the water warm enough, you got off your knees and turned to face your lover as the bathroom door was opened. 

He stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him, turning around to meet your loving gaze. 

You both undressed in the comfortable silence of the small bathroom. The air was thick with steam and drops of condensation clustered on the mirror above the vanity. You had lit several candles which smelled of honey and warm sugar and placed them strategically throughout the room to aid your vision without an onslaught to the senses. 

With your clothing out of the way, you let Willy settle into the bath first. 

Your eyes raked over him in the low light accentuating the curves and supple accents of his body and you took in the way the water rose several inches when he sank down into it. He extended an arm to guide you into him once he was ready and you gingerly lifted one leg over the side of the bathtub, letting him take hold of you by the hand as you eased your way towards him. 

You lover’s warm hands were gentle as he helped you sit in the bath with him. 

When your back connected with his front, you let out a soft sigh of pleasure at both the warmth of the water and the closeness of your bodies. 

You both basked in the intimate glow permeating the darkened room and you felt the gravitational pull between your two forms. Your future was constellated, a string of stars wrapped around your hearts, connecting one with the other. 

You were uncertain whether you believed in soulmates, but if you were asked to put how you felt for him into words, you would have said that you were sure you were made of dust from the same star. 

“Are you comfortable, dear?” 

The sound of his voice overwhelmed you with emotion and you turned to look at him. You met his strikingly blue gaze and the first thing you thought was how much you missed him. 

You missed him, yet he was there with you. 

You could feel the warm press of his body against yours, much warmer than that of the water because you knew what you were feeling was him.  

It did not make sense to say that you missed him, but perhaps that tightness in your chest and the clenching fist around your heart and the tears that were burning the backs of your eyes were caused by the same culprit; it might be impossible to miss what was right in front of you, but you had somehow found a way, because it wasn’t Willy whom you had missed with all your heart – it was yourself.

You had lost yourself in the search for something better and you could have cried till you ran out of tears, screamed until you had no voice left. 

The processional of time had not been kind to your brain. You were riddled with anxieties you did not remember developing and those rotten, malevolent thoughts were taking up space where your lover used to be. His face was shrouded in mystery not of his own doing. 

You had taken him away from yourself before you’d been honored the pleasure of calling him yours. 

You couldn’t see the forest for the trees because you had let yourself grow complacent.

When you recessed into yourself too far, Willy coaxed you out again. He would help you return to the person you once were and find yourself again in this changed world. 

You nodded peacefully at his question, “yes. This feels lovely, thank you.” 

His only response came in the form of a gentle hum and you felt yourself sink into him at that, his body, your vessel, and his love, your anchor. 

Beneath the surface of the water, his arms encircled you, fingers linking together as he held you within the comfort of his embrace. He could sense that though you were quiet, your mind was loud and without hesitation, he began humming a tune. His melodious voice silenced your mind almost immediately and the only resounding thought inside your head was how lucky you were to experience a love like this one. 

Willy hummed the verses to ‘Pure Imagination’ while the two of you laid in the bath. Though you had heard him sing the words too many times to count, there was something different about it this time, like he was trying to communicate with you about something important but lacked the right words. 

Willy Wonka was in possession of one of the vastest vocabularies you’d come to know in the mo, so that wasn’t it, but in your weary heart, you knew what it was. 

You needed a reminder that your mind was a great tool, not just one that tormented you. 

And, if your own mind became too much for you, he would let you get lost within his for a while, where you would be free, if you truly wished to be. 

That was enough to send one tear tumbling down your cheek as you nestled into him, hoping he would not notice, but he did. His hold on you tightened and his chin now rested on the top of your head. Arms that had previously been locked around you parted and his hand found yours under the water. He held you tight, keeping you on the ground with him. 

‘When it’s storming’, Willy would often say, ‘the last place you want to have your head is in the clouds.’

There would be plenty of time to lose yourself in imagination. For now, your attention was his.

He continued to hum to you, held protectively in his arms until he could sense that you were calm. 

There were times when Willy questioned his own mind and the things it did to him, never quite understanding where the thoughts came from, which were dreams and which were nightmares. He had mistaken one for the other on more than one occasion and needed to be brought out of his racing mind. With you there to remind him of that, he was able to differentiate. 

If he could help you to better understand yourself, he would. He would travel the world over, do the impossible, think unthought of things and invent a way to return you to yourself if he could. 

But, above all else, Willy wanted you to know that he loved you, fiercely, passionately, completely. 

Perhaps this love would be enough to make you want to keep fighting to save yourself. 

[lucifersresources]

taylor swift // reputation rp meme.

edit/alter/change pronouns etc as you see fit!  

...ready for it?

knew he was a killer.

he's a ghost.

i see nothing better.

touch me and you'll never be alone.

no one has to know.

in my dreams, you should see the things we do.

i know i'm gonna be with you.

are you ready for it?

every love in comparison is a failure.

i'm so very tame now.

let the games begin.

end game.

i wanna be your end game.

you and me, we got big reputations.

i got some big enemies.

you like the bad ones.

i don't wanna miss you.

i don't wanna hurt you.

they told you i'm crazy.

i swear i don't love the drama, it loves me.

i can't let you go.

your hand prints on my soul.

you've been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks.

i did something bad.

i never trust a narcissist, but they love me.

this is how the world works.

all he thinks about is me.

i can feel the flames on my skin.

i owe him nothing.

he had it coming.

they say i did something bad.

they say i did something bad, then why's it feel so good?

i let them think they saved me.

they never see it coming.

you gotta leave before you get left.

they're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one.

don't blame me.

love made me crazy.

my drug is my baby.

i've been breaking hearts a long time.

something happened.

i just need you.

for you i would cross the line.

for you i would lose my mind.

she's gone too far this time.

i'm just gonna call you mine.

i'm insane, but i'm your baby.

i once was poison ivy, but now i'm your daisy.

for you i would fall from grace.

i'd beg you on my knees to stay.

i get to high every time you're loving me.

delicate.

this ain't for the best.

my reputation's never been worse.

you must like me for me.

we can't make any promises now can we?

just think of the fun things we could do.

is it cool that i said all that?

is it chill that you're in my head?

i know that it's delicate.

is it too soon to do this yet?

do the girls back home touch you like i do?

stay here, honey, i don't wanna share.

are you ever dreaming of me?

i pretend you're mine.

look what you made me do.

i don't like your little games.

i don't like your perfect crime.

i got smarter, i got harder in the nick of time.

i rose up from the dead.

i rose up from the dead, i do it all the time.

look what you made me do.

all i think about is karma.

maybe i got mine, but you'll all get yours.

i don't trust nobody.

i'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.

so it goes.

you make everyone disappear.

gold cage, hostage to my feelings.

i'm yours to keep.

i'm yours to lose.

i do bad things with you.

you make me jealous.

i got your heart skipping.

you did a number on me.

gorgeous.

you've ruined my life by not being mine.

you're so gorgeous.

i'm so furious at you for making me feel this way.

i feel like i might sink and drown and die.

there's nothing i hate more than what i can't have.

getaway car.

nothing good starts in a getaway car.

it was the best of times, the worst of crimes.

i wanted to leave him.

i needed a reason.

x marks the spot where we fell apart.

i was lying to myself.

we never had a shotgun shot in the dark.

don't pretend it's such a mystery.

think about the place where you first met me.

there were sirens in the beat of your heart.

should've known i'd be the first to leave.

but with three of us, honey, it's a sideshow.

a circus ain't a love story.

now we're both sorry.

us traitors never win.

that was the last time you ever saw me.

king of my heart.

i'm perfectly fine.

i'm better off alone.

we rule the kingdom inside my room.

all at once, you are the one i have been waiting for.

you are all i want.

i'll never let you go.

your love is a secret i'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep.

the taste of your lips is my idea of luxury.

is this the end of all the endings?

my broken bones are mending.

all at once, this is enough.

this is enough.

dancing with our hands tied.

i loved you in secret.

we love without reason.

how were you to know.

my love had been frozen.

my love had been frozen deep blue, but you painted me golden.

you painted me golden.

i could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets.

there was nothing in the world that could stop it.

i had a bad feeling.

you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis.

there was no one in the world who could take it.

i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us.

can we dance through an avalanche?

i'm a mess.

i'm the mess that you wanted.

it's gravity keeping you with me.

dress.

they got no idea about me and you.

there is an indentation in the shape of you.

made your mark on me.

my hands are shaking from holding back from you.

say my name and everything just stops.

i don't want you like a best friend.

only bought this dress so you could take it off.

carve your name into my bedpost.

if i get burned, at least we were electrified.

everyone thinks that they know us.

they know nothing.

even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me.

now i wake up by your side.

my one and only, my lifeline.

this is why we can't have nice things.

there are no rules.

feeling so gatsby for that whole year.

why'd you have to rain on my parade?

this is why we can't have nice things.

did you think i wouldn't hear all the things you said about me?

you stabbed me in the back.

friends don't try to trick you.

if only you weren't so shady.

here's a toast to my real friends.

forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

i can't even say it with a straight face.

call it what you want.

my castle crumbled overnight.

they took the crown.

they took the crown, but it's alright.

nobody's heard from me in months.

nobody's heard from me in months, i'm doing better than i ever was.

i'm doing better than i ever was.

call it what you want.

my baby loves me like i'm brand new.

all my flowers grew back as thorns.

he built a fire just to keep me warm.

they fade to nothing when i look at him.

i make the same mistakes every time.

at least i did one thing right.

i did one thing right.

starry eyes sparking up my darkest night.

he really knows me.

you don't need to save me.

would you run away with me?

you don't need to save me, but would you run away with me?

new year's day.

don't read the last page.

i stay when you're lost.

i'm scared.

you're turning away.

i want your midnights.

i'll be cleaning up bottles with you on new year's day.

you squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi.

i can tell that it's gonna be a long road.

i'll be there if you're the toast of the town.

i'll be there if you're the toast of the town, or if you strike out and you're crawling home.

hold on to the memories.

hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.

please don't ever become a stranger.

don't ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognise anywhere.

you and me forevermore.

i will hold on to you.

[puzzled-pegasus]

Guys guys guys guys guys guys g---

I just had the worst thought (what makes it even worse is that i would never be able to carry it out) about a wroef pmv to the song Red by Taylor Swift but it's the Finch kids missing their dead siblings???

"Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly Loving him is like trying to change your mind Once you're already flying through the free fall Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all"

Ending suddenly? Flying throught the free fall?? AUTUMN LEAVES???? CALVIN????????

"Losing him was blue, like I'd never known Missing him was dark gray, all alone Forgetting him was like trying to know Somebody you never met But loving him was red Loving him was red"

The "blue" here would refer to the ocean that Calvin fell to, and Sam's grief is the dark gray. The red might refer to Calvin's passion and adventurous spirit in life.

"Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted Was right there in front of you Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words To your old favorite song Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword And realizing there's no right answer Regretting him was like wishing you never found out That love could be that strong"

And of course the next verse refers to Dawn and Gus, especially the fighting bit. They didn't always get along, especially not near the end.

"Losing him was blue, like I'd never known Missing him was dark gray, all alone Forgetting him was like trying to know Somebody you never met But loving him was red Oh, red Burning red"

I have a feeling that "blue" in this verse could refer to (and this is extremely morbid) the bruises/internal bleeding Dawn may have seen on Gus after he was crushed to death. And I think the "dark gray" would refer to Dawn standing outside in cloudy weather, thinking about her brother that she lost, before she sends his kite into the sky to fly it for him, which would be the "red."

"Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes Tell myself it's time now gotta let go But moving on from him is impossible When I still see it all in my head In burning red Burning, it was red"

Lewis and Milton here. It's Lewis having trouble getting out of his head, and Milton appearing there once in a while. Lewis feels like it's been so long, he should be over Milton by now. He isn't.

Those are the main parts that matter to me rn, if you read all of this that's awesome and thanks so much. Not sure if many people will or if I illustrated this idea properly lol

[autumnslance]

send LOST for a scene from my muse's past in which they felt lost, literally or figuratively {Zaine}

He was supposed to protect her.

Zaine's axe and armor, Evienne's spells and social acumen. They were a matched set of opposites, a team that had traversed the realm for months now. That's how it worked.

On reflection, he really hadn't known her that long; less than a year. Yet everything they had gone through made it feel much longer, or at least more intense. They had shared their histories, their hopes, more than a few secrets.

Never a bed, though; as much as he'd come to love her, it was not in that way. And she was still mourning the loss of her spouse, besides. So fierce friends and comrades they were.

...They had been.

Zaine was going to tear Gaius van Baelsar into pieces.

"Hey," Yda said, wandering over to sit with him.

"Hey," he replied, taking a deep breath and sitting up. "You doing all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. How--"

"How about Papalymo? And Thancred?"

She frowned. "They're all right, Zaine. Everyone is."

Not everyone.

Before he could say more, she stuck her finger against his lips. "How are you?" she demanded to know, glimpses of her blue eyes through the mask showing her own sadness and resolve. She removed her finger.

Zaine slumped. "I keep feeling like I did everything wrong. Missed something, forgot something. If I'd been a little more on guard--and I know, I know that's not how it works, I know you all rushed cuz you only found out too late, but I--" He rested his head in his hands, clutching his hair.

"I feel like 'it's not your fault' won't help, huh?"

He huffed out a bitter laugh. "No." They were silent for a moment. "I know he targeted her as a caster, as a threat. Even if I had been in her place, even if I had been on guard. And I know...Evienne chose this, same as the rest of us, but it...Gods, this hurts."

"Of course it does," Yda replied softly. "It will for a long while."

He sat back now, leaning on the wall behind him, Yda watching. "If I knew anything of Eorzean etiquette as a boy, I forgot it. Evienne, though...she had impeccable manners. And took it upon herself to teach me better. My rough soldier ways grated on her lady's sensibilities." He smiled thinly. "I don't think I'd have made half as good an impression on all those people without her. And nevermind how many of her own heroics have been overlooked. It's not fair."

"A lot of things aren't," Yda said. "Minfilia's speaking to her sister, and her son. He's so little."

"Yeah," Zaine said. "Not much older than my sister was, when we lost our father. This kid's lost both his parents now and I don't...I feel like I should say something, but what? 'I was your mum's partner but failed to protect her from a Garlean bullet'?"

"Zaine, you can't say that."

"No, of course not, I just," he pinched his nose, trying to stay the renewed feeling of prickling heat in his eyes, threatening another deluge. "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. She would know; that's what she was good at! It's all her clever words and maneuvering that's made me seem a hero; people think I know what I'm doing, but I don't. And there's still so much happening, no time to sit here and wallow, but Sisters help me, I don't know how I'm going to do it without her!"

The tears fell despite his attempts; guilt and shame as much as grief pouring from him. Yda was silent, simply holding his hand, squeezing tightly, a reminder he had more friends and allies, more people to help, to rely on.

Just not his companion.

--

((As the 1.0 WoL, Zaine traveled around with a Path Companion, who I decided was a prim & proper elezen conjurer named Evienne. There is, however, a famous scene where Gaius shoots the Path Companion, and then fights Thancred, Y'shtola, Papalymo, and Yda. In Zaine's continuity, his Path Companion dies from the injuries inflicted in that incident.))

[multi-fandom-simp]

Ghost of you

Helaena Targaryen x Female!Reader (MAIN), Slight Aemond Targaryen x Female!Reader

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon or Fire & Blood characters. I do not claim any of them as my own. This work is purely fictional.

Synopsis: You and Helaena had been lovers in secret for years, peaceful and content lovers at that. What happens when the dance of dragons turns that peace into pain? Could you live with the burden of everything being torn from your grasp?

! TW !: Mention of character death. mention of blood, heavy drinking, brief mention of incest(between Helaena and Aemond, not the reader), mentions of murder, mention of suicide, self harm, hallucinations, bad mental health, angst ofc

(A/N: This a little blurb I had while listening to some music earlier, and I just had to write it down. It is based off of "Ghost of You" by 5SOS. It fit Helaena so well, I couldn't not write it. I've never done a writing centered around a song, so it was fun to experiment. As always, I love to hear your thoughts on the piece or even helpful criticism, so don't be shy, I always love to talk/listen! Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy!)

(P.S. Dialogue will be in italics like always, but the song lyrics are in bold italics!)

Word Count: 1,267

You couldn't quite pinpoint the moment in which you fell head over heels for your husband's sister, Helaena Targaryen. Also known as the dreamer or the idiot as Aegon would disdainfully call her. She had been a constant part of your life from the moment you were betrothed to her brother, Aemond, up until now. Originally greeting you as a friend and soon-to-be sister, then turning into the very reason your heartbeat. Neither Aemond nor Aegon cared, in fact, the two of them preferred it. Aemond loved his sister in the same way you did, and Aegon didn't care what the three of you did as long as he could visit his whores. The pair of them still did their duty of course, as did you and Aemond.

Alysara and Alarys were the names that Helaena had gifted the first and only two children you would have with Aemond. In return, you had gifted similar names to her first two babes. Jaehaera and Jaehaerys had undoubtedly been Aegon's, but Maelor came as a result of Helaena's first night with you and Aemond. Though Aemond wasn't a bad father, you and your lover were mainly the ones raising the brood of Targaryen children. Almost as if it were only the two of you who had produced the small little family. If only it could've stayed that way forever.

~Here I am waking up, still can't sleep on your side

There's your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time~

The blinding sun is what rouses you from your slumber rather than Helaena's airy whispers. It crawls through the corners of your eyes, forcing them to open, forcing them to stare at the wine chalice still left on the balcony's edge. You focus on the rose-colored imprint staining the edge of the glass, it's the same imprint that she often left on your cheek.

~If I can dream long enough, you'd tell me I'd be just fine

I'll be just fine~

You can almost see her, if you close your eyes slowly enough that is. The glare from the sun outlines Helaena's body as she bound towards the bed. Her wild ashen hair glimmers like whisps of wind and the laughter bubbling from her lips sounds like a handful of diamonds.

"You'll miss the sunrise, Issa jorrāelagon" My love. The moment she says those two words her image flickers. Her feet were now firmly planted on the edge of the balcony rather than the floor of it.

"Forgive me, Issa jorrāelagon" and just like that, the dream is over and Helaena is gone.

~So I drown it out like I always do

Dancing through our house with the ghost of you~

Squeezing your eyes shut does nothing to erase the memory, but wine does. The scarlet poison is what drags you from bed on this morning, and every other morning as well. The wildfire that it sparks in your throat keeps the memories behind a wall of fire.

~And I chase it down, with a shot of truth

Dancing through our house with the ghost of you~

Between every swig and every gulp, there is a breath. A sharp, hiccupping breath that reminds you that you're still alive. You're alive and Helaena is not. The breath is drowned out with another swig and then another gulp. You repeat the cycle until you're no longer dancing alone in the sunlight.

"I'm here, Issa jorrāelagon" The smell of citrus and grass announces her presence. It drowns you better than wine does. Burning not only your throat but your heart too.

~Cleaning up today, found that old Zeppelin shirt

You wore when you ran away, and no one could feel your hurt~

You reached out to touch her, hold her, anything to know that she was real. The cotton of her dress no more than grazed your fingers before it was pooling with blood. It ran down your fingers like spilled wine.

"You're not here, not really" Another swig, another gulp, this time to choke down the sobs. Before you know it, the walls began to sway. You reach out for the bedpost only to meet the cold ground instead. The stone floor is unforgiving against your head.

~We're too young, too dumb, to know things like love~

Innocent giggles and the telltale sound of lips bounce off the walls, " I'd like to do that again."

"I can't deny a princess now can I?" You had sounded so young, so naïve, nothing like how you were now. The only thing remaining true throughout your growth was the unwavering loyalty to Helaena. Even in death your heart only answered to her.

"You'll be a princess once you marry Aemond-"

"-I'd much rather marry you." Perhaps things would've been different if you were allowed to love Helaena openly. You could've asked for her hand, married her, saved her from birthing Aegon's children. Saved her from losing them because they were Aegon's children.

~But I know better now, better now~

"It should've never been you" Your sobs were the only truthful thing at the moment. Your husband had been the one to kill Lucerys Velaryon, so why was it Helaena who lost her son and not you? She had loved both of your children as her own, but their loss would've never driven her to madness as Jaehaerys's death had.

A son for a son, and yet they had taken much more than that. It started with a son and then ended with a lover. They had even taken your husband from you. It didn't even matter if you truly loved him or not. The fact that he was gone and with Helaena in whatever afterlife there was felt like torture to you. Aemond should've been here to keep you from drowning, but he wasn't.

~So I drown it out like I always do

Dancing through our house with the ghost of you~

"Hurry, you'll miss the sunrise!" You pushed yourself up on trembling arms and tried to stand. You got a few inches from the ground before your knee crashed back down.

" I'm coming, birdy, I promise" The pads of your fingers broke open as you stumbled your way along the rough ground. Every push and pull more agonizing than the last, but it all vanished once you looked up. Helaena's feet padded softly as she twirled past you and over to the balcony where her cup still lay. She brought the chalice to her rose-colored lips, peering over the rim as she did so. Your heart stuttered as her eyes met yours.

"Wait for me," you wanted to scream. Instead, you pushed harder, even grabbing the walls for leverage. Push after pull, scrape after scuffle, you eventually reach your love, your Helaena.

~And I chase it down, with a shot of truth

Your hands reached for her once more, " You're here-"

That my feet don't dance like they did with you~

"-muña?" You stumbled forward against the balcony's railing, Helaena disappearing with the wind. You turned your head to find your oldest boy, Alarys, with Jaehaera by his side. Her little eyes were wide with fear as she observed you crumpled against the same balcony that she had watched her mother jump from. Jaehaera's eyes were like a douse of cold water as realization dawned on you. Looking down, your feet left trails of scarlet, your dress was torn in places, and most importantly, you were alone. You had not been dancing, you had been crawling. Helaena was never here.

You were doing nothing more than dancing with the ghost of her.

[corrodedseraphine]

have mercy on me | #4 before you go

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

chapter summary: When your emotions calm down you realize how much you miss him but Eddie always disappears before you can take any step. All this time, he has been the one trying to do everything to keep your paths from parting permanently, but now it's your turn to take matters into your own hands.

the story is also avaliable on ao3

previous chapter | masterlist | eddie munson masterlist | general masterlist

Here we are! The end! At first I didn't expect that so many people would be interested in this story, you don't even know how your interactions with it make me feel happy. Thank you all so much, for every, even the smallest gesture showing your support! I hope you will enjoy this ending!

Unworthy. You would never think you would hate a word. You hated the sound of his voice when he said it. So broken. So weak. Lost in your own pain, it didn't even cross your mind that the always smiling Eddie could in fact be his own greatest tormentor. He punished himself far more than you did. He didn't need you at all to make him realize how big a mistake he had made. 

You thought about what was before all this. Did he think of himself that way then, too? Did he hate himself so much already then that he thought he didn't deserve anything good? Did he think of himself as someone worthless even at that time? Why did he never say anything? Why did you never even allow yourself to think that he was his own worst enemy? 

You felt terrible. You failed him. You failed as the friend you thought you were for so long, and that hurt even more than your broken heart.

From the moment of your conversation, Eddie disappeared completely from your life. There were no more notes, cookies or funny riddles and silly attempts to make you smile. He hardly ever showed up at school, and if he did he kept to the shadows, not wanting to draw anyone's attention to himself. Everyone was shocked when, for another week in a row, no one heard the loud speeches made on the cafeteria table or the insults hurled at Jason and his gang. Eddie Munson's flame was extinguished, leaving behind only a soft gray smoke.

When your first performance was a success and people loved you, you were invited to The Soul stage more often. Each time you could see his pale face with watered eyes at the end of the hall at a table in the corner. Nevertheless, when you glanced there while singing there was always a gentle, slightly sad smile on his face, and whenever you saw it something clenched at your heart. 

You missed him. Day by day you were more and more sure that the pain he caused you then was no match for the one you feel when he is not in your life. The void he left behind is like a dark abyss from which there is no way out. Every day you thought about all this. After countless conversations with Robin, you decided to believe him that everything was over between him and Chrissy, Steve, on his part, thought you should give him a chance to at least try to make things right. That was the end of your self-pity. Both of you have suffered a lot through this situation and it's time to end it. It was time to fight for at least a little happiness in your lives. 

You were just finishing the last song when you looked into the corner of the room. He was still sitting there with the same smile as always. This time you tried to make eye contact, from which he did not escape. Taking a deep breath without announcement, you began to play the melody of the new song. 

I fell by the wayside, like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you But I was just kidding myself Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone All I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

Was never the right time, whenever you called Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all Our every moment, I start to replay But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

Would we be better off by now If I'd let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

Before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

You felt powerless. You couldn't force him to start appearing in your life again, apparently he didn't want that. Maybe he realized that he didn't really want you that way? You wanted to accept that your path together had come to an end, but you couldn't. Eddie Munson was a part of your heart, and you still hoped he hadn't given up. All this time you were afraid to take the first step even though you knew you should. You knew that in some way you should show that you missed him, that you didn't want him to give up on you, but you couldn't. All these weeks you were blocked, but tonight you hoped that he would understand the message. That he would understand that even though there is a gap between you, you might be able to build a bridge. You wanted him to understand how bad you felt about not noticing his self-destructive thoughts poisoning his perspective on himself and those around him. You hoped that tonight you would be able to talk before he left. 

You didn't. After the show was over, you quickly left the stage, but he was no longer at the table, as always. He always disappeared when you finished playing. You ran outside the building hoping to catch him, but it was too late. He was gone. Eddie Munson disappeared from your life, at your own request leaving a burden and regret on your heart.

"Y/n I'm begging you, you have to talk to me because I'm about to go crazy." said Robin entering your room together with Steve. "Help us understand you!" 

"How can I help you if I don't understand myself?!" This was one of the moments when you couldn't stand yourself. When you wanted at least for a few hours to become someone else entirely, or just like that, to disappear and be reborn. "At first I hated him for what he did, I couldn't look at him! It hurt so much when he chose her over me! Then- Then I started to miss him, and he did everything so that I wouldn't forget him, and it worked, because I couldn't, I still can't! When I finally dealt with my stupid broken heart and realized that some part of me wanted to forgive him and wanted him back he said all those things that opened my eyes, Robin. He suffered all the time, probably much more than I did, because while I was thinking about how I didn't deserve to be treated this way he was telling himself all the time that he deserved everything worst!" that sentence by sentence you spoke faster and faster, you could hardly catch your breath. "He went back to her because he thought this was the love he deserved. It wasn't even love! She treated him like trash and he thought that was the best thing that could happen to him? Holy shit how could I have missed all this? How could I be so blind?" 

"Hey, don't blame yourself for that, none of us knew. He hid the whole thing too well." said Steve sitting down next to you on the bed. "He was scared of what you were able to give him. For the first time in his entire life, he found someone who wasn't ashamed of him. Someone who loved him back and that scared him." 

"Do you think that he loved me?" you asked quietly.

"Of course he did! How could he not?" Robin said, sitting down on the other side. "He got scared and chose the worst possible option. No matter how much I want to strangle him for causing you all this pain, I will hardly admit that dingus is right. He deserves a chance to explain himself and try to make things right."

"But he doesn't even want a second chance anymore! He's made up his mind, I can't force him to start caring again!" you grabbed a pillow and hid your face in it. 

"You're not going to suffocate yourself on my watch." Steve said snatching the pillow out of your hand.

"Last time after the show I wanted to talk to him, I really wanted to make the first move but before I could get off the stage he was gone. I don't understand how from the point where I couldn't look at him now I can't stand knowing he's not with me. I feel like a psycho."

"Maybe you never really wanted him to leave? He hurt you, and that's why your emotions were running through you, now that they've calmed down a bit you just miss him." 

"You're not crazy, you're just in love, and that sometimes makes a person the biggest weirdo in the world." Robin laughed lightly while resting her head on your shoulder. 

"What should I do now?" you sighed leaning your head against hers.

"All this time he's been the one taking the initiative, maybe it's time for you to do it?" suggested Steve.

"But how? I can't just walk up to him at school, I have no idea how this is all going to end, and drama in front of everyone is the last thing I need. Going to his trailer is also out...It would be too much. It would feel like I was invading his safety zone." 

"I have an idea." Robin stood up. "As far as not being a big fan of such events," she rolled her eyes. "I'm able to make an exception for you. There's a big party tomorrow at Lucy Moore's house, a big house full of kids who have pockets stuffed with their parents' money, Eddie definitely won't pass up the opportunity to enrich himself." 

"It's a really good idea, even if things don't go too well everyone around will be too drunk or high to register anything, besides, Robin and I will be around." 

"I don't know..." you said uncertainly. Is a party where most of the school will be there a good idea? Not really. But did you have any better? Of course not. 

When you arrived the party was already in full swing, with hardly anyone paying attention to you, for which you were grateful. Some people were dancing in the living room, others were playing beer pong or arranging competitions in who would drink more, others were making out on the stairs, the couch and other available places in the house. Typical. You and your friends headed toward the kitchen to pour yourself something to drink hoping that the alcohol would loosen you up a bit and help you overcome the paralyzing fear you felt at the very thought of confronting him.

Time passed, and you didn't feel the slightest bit more confident. You had already had two drinks and were just about to start a third, just watching him walk down the hallway from time to time, come out of the bathroom or enter the room with one of the members of the basketball team, who after a while contentedly came out and stuffed something in his pocket. Noticing him going out into the garden you walked away from Robin and went in the same direction. You've got this. Repeating these words in your mind you took one last gulp and stepped outside.

The cold wind was a shock to you compared to the heat that was inside. You noticed him sitting on a plastic chair with his head raised toward the sky. Slowly approaching him you sat down near the chair on the grass without a word. Trying to find the right words to start a conversation, you began to open your mouth only to close it immediately. Eddie registered your presence yet still did not take his eyes off the stars, afraid that this conversation might end like the previous ones. Nothing more than pain and tears. Both of you were sick of it.

"How drunk are you?" he asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Three drinks." you answered quietly.

"One more and your inner dancer will wake up." he chuckled. Whenever you drank together he joked that around the fourth drink you always wanted to dance.

"I want to talk to you Eddie." you changed the subject. "I want to talk to you, but I have no idea what to say, where to start." 

Finally he looked at you, sitting with your legs crossed on the grass in the moonlight and garden lights you looked beautiful. Almost to the point of being unreal. It seemed unreal that you had come here to talk to him. But even if it was just a product of his imagination to cope with a broken heart he decided to surrender to it. He got up from his chair and sat down next to you, so that your knees were touching. 

"I love you." he said knocking you out of rhythm. 

"W-what?" The shock on your face didn't surprise him. He himself didn't expect that today would be the first time he would tell you such a thing. 

"I realized that in all this time I haven't told you this once. And you should know it. You should also know that it was thanks to you that I understood what love is and what it should look like. Without looking at how things ended between us, the fact that it hurts so much at least reminds us that it was real, doesn't it?" He turned his face toward you. He was so close, at your fingertips. He was weak. He was weak when your eyes shone more beautifully than the sky above you, when a strand of hair fell charmingly on your face, when your lips looked so delicately beautiful, when your scent which he had not smelled for so long crept into his system intoxicating him. He felt helpless. He missed you so much, craved your presence so much, couldn't help himself when he finally had you so close to him. No wonder this confession escaped from his lips. As soon as he felt your proximity all defense mechanisms shut down leaving his heart unprotected, if you decide to tear it apart - he will let you. Now only lovesick feeling for you controlled him. 

He slowly raised his hand to push a strand of hair away from your face. It was just an excuse for his fingers to gently brush your skin. You stared at him with slightly parted lips. Your gaze wandered from his eyes to his lips and back again. "I really love you y/n..." he whispered. He didn't expect any response or reaction from you, but under the excitement you brought your face closer to his by resting your foreheads against each other. His hand stopped on your cheek, which he stroked with his thumb. One more step forward. One more step. You thought. You wanted it. You wanted his closeness, you needed it. At that moment, nothing else mattered to you but that one tiny step forward. Before you go, Eddie. Before the cruel reality catches up with you. As if reading your mind, Eddie took a deep breath and his hand moved from your cheek to under your chin. He slowly lifted it with his finger and... And just when you thought that this one step forward was taken and the gap between you would disappear you heard the door slam and you jumped away from each other.

"What the fuck Eddie?!" It was Chrissy. "An hour ago you were fucking me in the bathroom and now you're kissing her in the garden? What is wrong with you?!"  Her words were like a powerful punch in the stomach. Confused, you started to get up from the ground looking between the two of them. Eddie got up right behind you.

"She's lying, I haven't had a single word with her all evening! You have to trust me!" he began to explain. He couldn't believe what was happening.

"You asshole!" She walked towards him, and slapped him in the face. He looked at her in disbelief while holding his sore cheek. How far could she go to destroy him?

"I- I need a minute." You said and quickly went back to the house. 

"What the hell was that?" he shouted. His nerves were racing, he was unable to stay calm in this situation. Once again, he had lost you. Once again because of her. 

"I didn't say a word to you all evening! Why did you lie, why did you do it?!" He didn't care that someone might hear him. 

"I told you that you would regret it." she said looking at his desperate face with a victorious smile on her lips. 

"You fucking-" 

"Go away Chrissy." Steve's voice suddenly reached them. She just shrugged her shoulders and went back inside slamming the door behind her. 

"I didn't do it! damn it I've been avoiding her like hell all evening! I didn't do anything, you have to believe me!" Panicky he couldn't control the storm that was building up inside him. "Fuck!" he yelled, hitting the wall of the house with his fist. The pain in his hand was still nothing.

"I know!" Steve shouted back. "I heard everything, when y/n ran out she didn't close the door behind her, I know you didn't do anything!" 

"But she doesn't know that! She won't believe me again, and it was so close, for a second I thought that maybe... that maybe it can still be fixed." He slumped against the wall burying his face in his hands. He didn't care about anything anymore. He crumbled into pieces that could not be picked up. 

"But she'll find out, I'll tell her, I'm on your side Eddie." Steve crouched in front of him putting a hand on his shoulder wanting to give him comfort.

"How many times do I have to watch her slipping through my fingers, Steve?" he cried. "How many ficking times? I can't stand it anymore. I love her. I love her, and watching her walk away every time kills me. I can't stand it anymore!" If anyone had told him that he would ever cry his heart out in front of King Steve he would have laughed at him. He would have said that he would rather die than let someone like Steve see his tears. It seemed even crazier that King Steve would comfort him. But here they were. In a situation no one would ever believe.

"Try to calm down okay? And wait here. Just wait." Harrington quickly got up and rushed toward the door. 

You and Robin were standing by the car.

"Thank God you're here." Robin said as he ran up to you. 

"She lied. You have to go back there, nothing happened between him and Chrissy, I heard everything, I heard her admitting it." he said on one exhale. 

"But..." you started.

"Go!" Robin didn't let you finish your sentence. "Just go there!" 

You immediately ran into the garden looking everywhere. It was empty. You entered the house and searched every possible room, unfortunately without success. Once again, he disappeared. 

He was right. What he felt when Chrissy first broke his heart was nothing compared to how he felt now. Everything was once again falling into ruins. It crushed him to the ground and he no longer had the strength to even try to stand up. There was no point in trying to fight the merciless waves. He resigned himself to it and let the water slowly flood his lungs as he slowly and calmly sank to the bottom, where he thought his place was.  He didn't leave his room for the next two days, unless necessary. Eating, listening to music and sleeping. These three activities were repeated over and over again, feeling pure hate for himself. He completely didn't expect what happened on the third day.

Wayne was just getting ready to leave for work when he heard a knock on the door. Surprised, he stared at the skinny girl standing on the stairs with an awkward smile. 

"Can I help you?" he tried to recall all of Eddie's friends but couldn't recall a freckled face anywhere. A thought flashed through his head whether it was Chrissy. He was even more surprised when behind her back he saw an insanely expensive BMW belonging to Harrington. 

"Good evening Sir! My name is Robin, I'm a y/n's friend." she explained seeing his still puzzled expression. The old man was relieved to hear that it wasn't Chrissy. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Could you please give this to Eddie?" she said pulling a walkman and cassette from her bag.  Wayne just sighed moving his gaze from the object to the car. How much longer will you avoid the conversation? Should he really interject? He slowly found it hard to stand seeing his nephew in such a mess anymore. "Is she here?" he finally asked. 

"Y-yeah, in the car." 

"Can I talk to her?" 

"I guess." 

The man put on his shoes and with a slow step he and Robin approached the car. At the mere sight of Wayne you felt your palms sweating from nerves. Was he here to tell you to stay away from Eddie?

"Nice to see you." he said, smiling slightly as you got out of the car. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here and sent Robin, it was stupid..." you said feeling increasingly embarrassed by your idea.

"You're right, sending your friend was not a good idea." he nodded causing you to feel even worse. "But it's good that you are here." Your surprised look made him chuckle. "Listen kid, whatever happened between you two...I know it's hard, but seriously I think whatever is on that tape he should get it from you."

"He doesn't want to see me." you said quietly staring at the ground.

"Did he tell you that?" 

"No, but-" 

"No buts. If he didn't tell you that you should at least try. Come on. Your friends can wait in the living room." 

"No, we'll wait in the car." Robin said quickly. "Go." She handed you a walkman and the tape. 

With small steps you followed Wayne to the trailer feeling the bundle of nerves in your stomach clench much tighter the closer you got. When Wayne knocked on the door of Eddie's room you felt like you were going to faint.

"You have a guest, son." he said. 

"Tell them I'm not here." Eddie muttered into the pillow lying with his back toward the door. 

"Come on kid, at least see who came." Wayne was adamant. 

"I don't feel like talking to ANYONE," he replied annoyed. "Whoever it is and whatever they want must wait." He covered himself with a blanket. 

"She can't wait and she won't wait." He did not let up on his nephew's childish behavior. "I'm letting her into your room right now." 

Before Eddie had time to react in any way you stepped uncertainly into the room and Wayne closed the door behind you. Nothing had changed since the last time you were here. You turned your attention to the small framed photo that stood on the nightstand next to his bed, at the sight of it you felt a sting in your heart. You were so happy then, and now you felt even desperate to get that happiness back.

Your breathing became more and more uneven and loud. You clenched your hands around the objects in them until your knuckles turned white. 

"Eddie." Your voice was tiny, shaking with insecurity and despair. 

You were the last person he expected to be here. With a quick movement, he pulled the blanket off himself and sat down on the bed, turning so that he was facing you. "What are you doing here?" he asked. You couldn't figure out what was hiding behind the tone of his voice. 

"I'm sorry." you replied. "I wanted to give you something, I know you don't want to see me anymore, but I thought you might want to listen." You stretched your shaking hands out in front of you.

He took the tape from you, which he immediately put into the walkman looking at you with questioning eyes. "I'm not supposed to be here...but your uncle convinced me that I should tell you this in person. Maybe even tell you straight to your eyes everything what's on the tape..." the lump in your throat grew. "Or maybe I should go now, sorry. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to, you can just throw it out right away." You turned toward the door.

"Stay." You couldn't read any emotion in his voice, it scared you. "Please." His big dark eyes rested on you with a pleading gaze. 

He put on the headphones yet did not dare to click play. He had no idea what to expect there, and from your behavior all he could infer was that you were nervous. Preparing himself mentally for the next punch, he took a deep breath and looked in your direction. You stood against the wall without taking your eyes off him. For the first time in his life he saw you so unsure of yourself, nervously plucking the cuticles around your nails as you shifted your weight from one leg to the other. "Wanna sit down?" he asked. You slowly walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it and began nervously shaking your leg. You always did that when you were nervous, he wanted to put his hand on your knee as he used to do at such moments but this time he had to restrain himself. He still didn't know what he was about to hear. Finally, he pressed the button. 

"Eddie, first of all I'd like to apologize for doing it this way, but I don't know if we'll ever have a chance to talk again, and I still have some things to say. Every time I try to make this move you disappear, so this time I ask you to listen, before you go." He stared blankly at the carpet. "You hurt me. But I also failed you, I failed you as a friend because I never noticed what was happening to you, the fact that you could barely handle yourself. I want to apologize to you for that. I hope you can forgive me someday." He pressed his lips into a thin line and closed his eyes. Once again, he felt himself falling apart, but he wanted to hold back the tears. "Our situation is difficult. But after these weeks, I know that I can't stand it when you are not in my life. I can't explain it, I don't understand myself, I don't know what do I want, I feel insane, but one thing I am sure of..." there was a long pause in the recording. "I love you, too. I should have answered you right away, but I would never have expected to hear them from your mouth. I believe that everything is over between you and Chrissy, I'm ready to believe you will never hurt me like that again, and I'm ready to fight to rebuild the happiness we had. Of course, if you want it too. I believe that the two of us can do it. Now, if you haven't had enough of listening to me, this is not the end of my message, thank you for getting to this point." Then the first sounds of the piano sounded. 

You were the raging storm that wrecked A beautiful mind I can't forget Knew from the moment that we met I'd take you home But now that the future's so unclear Have all of your feelings disappeared? 'Cause I'm in no kind of frame of mind to let you go

Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I've been so low And the weight of all the world's a heavy load Keep me going 'til tomorrow 'Cause I just don't know If I can face another day alone

Well, my lungs don't breathe And my heart don't beat And I can't believe in any kind of life without you here And I can't move on 'Cause it feels so wrong No, I just don't want any kind of life without you, dear

Are there any words that I could say? I'm feeling our moment fade away In a matter of hours, we'll be drowning in the waves And all of the memories that we shaped We're leaving behind here in my wake If we can save the good we gave, we shouldn't wait

Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I just don't know If I can face another day alone

Well, my lungs don't breathe And my heart don't beat And I can't believe in any kind of life without you here And I can't move on 'Cause it feels so wrong No, I just don't want any kind of life without you, dear

Now you're not here, I can't explain The carousel of my constant pain I'm not sure that I can hold on anymore Became a victim of circumstance Should have said when I had the chance I don't want any kind of life without you here

"I still want you in my life Eddie. I need you, so if you only want to, if you only let me...Maybe we can put it all together." 

Silence. A painful silence fell between the two of you. Somewhere in the middle of the recording, Eddie hid his face in his hands and hasn't changed position since. Only after a while you noticed the slight movement of his shoulders and heard the quiet sniffles of his nose. 

"Eddie, don't cry please." you said, unable to control your tears yourself. Did you just make everything worse? Not being able to bear it, you got up quickly and walked over to him, and then you knelt down in front of him placing your hand on his knee.

"I am so sorry, Eddie, please." 

He wiped his face with the sleeve of the sweatshirt he was wearing and looked at you. Your eyes glistened with tears making them look even more beautiful. 

"W-what if I hurt you again?" he asked between breaths. 

"And what if I let you down or hurt you once again?" you replied wiping your tears with the top of your hand. "I've been thinking about it for days without stopping, the risk is huge, but it's worth everything that could be between us." you grasped his hand firmly. "We will still make many mistakes, but we can always learn to deal with them. Together." 

Within seconds he was beside you on the floor taking you in his arms. Without thinking much you embraced him cuddling your face into his neck. "I love you." you said. He felt his neck get wet with your tears.  "I love you too, so damn much." he replied squeezing you even tighter. You were now forming one big crying mess, but you didn't mind. The security and comfort the two of you now found in each other's arms was worth every tear. "I'll do my best to fix it, I promise." he muttered into your hair then kissed the top of your head. "Together." 

Although the road home seemed unimaginably long, your paths merged into one again. The one that would take you together to the end of the world and one step further. 

taglist: @i-me-mine @phantypurple @chrissymjstan @sidthedollface2 @bakugouswh0r3 @tlclick73 @aysheashea @1paire2vans @mmunson86 @emma77645 @obsessivelycraftygothfandomwitch

[wokeuplaughing]

something I've been having a little bit of trouble with regarding transitioning is the fact that I have known that I am a man since I was around 11 and knew that same year that the only way to achieve what I wanted was through medical transition but, only now at age 20, am I actually medically transitioning. I went through middle school and high school being seen as a girl who wanted to be seen as a boy but to me it was never about being a boy it was about being a Man. the length of my adolescence was spent pining for something I am currently achieving. now that I have it, I am experiencing this disparity between who I am becoming and who I was.

my gender was always seen as something I'd grow out of. for years my aunt insisted upon waiting until I was 30 to transition, my father, more lenient in this sense, suggested I transition after college, and my much older step sister, who I had very few conversations with, doubted my identity entirely because I wasn't like the trans men she had met before, so with her psych background she deemed it a phase. my identity had been denied as much as it was repressed. I didn't ever spend time doing anything too traditionally masculine or feminine during my adolescence because it felt like a landmine of decisions. if I messed up the performance in any way the neutrality and androgyny would fade away and everyone would see what was so clear to them and not me: that I was failing at being a man because I never was transgender to begin with.

and of course my family was profoundly wrong.

with all the great effects of testosterone (I love my voice, my masculinized hips, my broader shoulders, the body hair, it all is so great) I wonder where all this ease came from. I have this grand confidence I have never known while I am passing. I get called sir and strangers approach me differently. the face I see in the mirror is beginning to belong to me. this is where the disparity is. I am still in this rough point where people sometimes see a woman or a man and I am distinctly aware of how I can manipulate my appearance to fit those standards. I fell into an androgynous form and I feel as though I've missed a few steps. I never had that awkward teenager phase, even if my voice does still crack and spike. but why don't I feel like that phase is applicable?

the closest conclusion I have came to is that I was a teenaged boy that wanted to be a man in a teenaged girl's body for years. I never saw myself as a boy because what I was experiencing wasn't boyhood, I fully intended to be a man. and now, here as I am, 4 1/2 months into testosterone and passing more with every passing day, I realize only now that testosterone marked the end of that adolescence that I thought had been over. the teenager that had been so repressed in becoming a man is finally there.