#i never thought id see this post again... a true classic

[intersex-questions]

Hello! I was afab and I've been iding as tranmasc for a while. I've had friends and family assume that I'm on testosterone but I never thought much of it I do have solid sideburns, am def hairier than my sister, and my voice reads as p androgynous, but it makes me happy so I never thought much of it. However, I recently started the process to get on hrt and I found out that my testosterone levels are already notably higher than is typical for cis women, if still below the standard male range-- my doctor actually assumed that I'd been diying. He told me that there isn't any point of looking into specific conditions unless I have symptoms that are causing issues, so I don't have any sort of diagnosis. Could I be considered intersex? Is there any point to thinking abt it if I'm abt to start testosterone anyways? (also-- are there any conditions that just cause androgenisation? Bc I don't have any of the other symptoms of pcos)

Hi there! I’ve sorted this ask into sections for organization and easier reading. Since this regards whether being intersex or not, I will make it clear here and several times within the post that I am very inclusive in what intersex is.

Are you intersex?

Immediately, I’d say yes, you are, fullstop. Hyperandrogenism is an inherently intersex condition (which is an opinion of mine that I believe is true). There is definitely a vocal minority of intersex (and especially perisex people too) who think that you need more “qualifications” to be intersex. However, I don’t think that to be true. There is a large number of people in the intersex community who will welcome and accept you as you are and understand and truly see you as another intersex individual. To those who don’t agree, ignore them the best you can.

I also saw that you mentioned that it’s not something you can self-diagnose which can be true, but one does not necessarily have to go through medical processes to figure out you’re intersex. It’s okay if you decide you aren’t inherently intersex because of your hyperandrogenism or that you don’t want to label that way, but you are absolutely welcome to. If you feel like something additional might make you count as intersex,

Many individuals learn they’re intersex without having gone through any diagnoses or hidden altering of their body by medical professionals and find out on their own time throughout their own life. For example, if someone had ovotestes with a formed vagina and penis, but this was missed throughout their life and they grew up as and were raised as female, they might one day begin to question if they are perisex or intersex, and it would be completely fair of them to decide being intersex describes their life experience without going to a doctor who can test to see if they have ovotestes.

How are you intersex?

You are experiencing hyperandrogenism, which is an intersex condition of excess androgen hormones. This leads to increased “masculinization” of the body based on traditional views of masculinization vs feminiziation. This is a condition that does not need a diagnosis to know that one has. Hyperandrogenism is not to be confused with the mazculinizing effects of testosterone HRT as many trans+ individuals who go on testosterone HRT develop features that those born with hyperandrogenism already developed without it.

Potential diagnoses

I see that you mentioned LOCAH in your second ask, which is a great start. Before you sent that, I was going to say you could potentially have NCAH/LOCAH as my main recommendation. If you’ve done your own research, you might know this already, but I’m going to explain again just in case.

CAH stands for congenital adrenal hyperplasia and it is a group of genetic disorders affecting the adrenal glands. Adrenal glands control cortisol, mineralocorticoids, and androgens. CAH is split into two categories–classical and nonclassic(al).

The chances of you having classical CAH are extremely low as it can be life threatening and is almost always diagnosed at birth. Classical CAH (usually just referred to as CAH) is split into salt-wasting CAH and simple-virilizing CAH/non-salt wasting CAH, the latter often being less deadly. Both of these produce too little cortisol and produce extra androgen. Salt-wasting CAH has an extremely low aldosterone count, which is necessary for processing sodium, hence “salt-wasting”. Non salt-wasting CAH is like salt-wasting CAH but with a less severe aldosterone count.

The symptoms of classical CAH include but are not limited to:

Ambiguous genitalia for those who were assigned female at birth (often with genitalia looking like a penis but having internal female sex organs)/clitoromegaly

Larger penis at birth for those were assigned male at birth

Premature puberty

Androgenization/masculinzation of those who were assigned female at birth (like the things you described, deeper voice, facial hair)

Infertility

Benign tumors

Nonclassic/nonclassical CAH, or NCAH, is a far more likely candidate. NCAH is also less commonly known as LOCAH, the “LO” standing for late onset. The symptoms of NCAH include but are not limited to:

Ambiguous genitalia for those who were assigned female at birth(less frequent and severe than classical)/developed clitoromegaly

Early puberty

Androgenization/masculinzation of those who were assigned female at birth especially during and after puberty

Larger penis with smaller testicles in those who were assigned male at birth

Irregular periods

Infertility

Hormonal disorders/issues with individuals with NCAH are significantly lower but not insignificant. Those with NCAH often have issues with the synthesis of hormones like cortisol that are associated with the adrenal gland are often asymptomatic or unrecognized in tests.

It’s totally possible you could have another intersex condition, or not this at all. Regardless of why you experience hyperandrogenism, you do, and that alone makes you intersex.

You could also have PCOS. Ironically, you can have PCOS without having cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include:

Hyperandrogenism

Irregular periods

Large ovaries

Cysts on ovaries

Clitoromegaly

Skin tags

Hyperandrogenism can be a symptom of an adrenal gland disorder, those of which include but are not limited to:

Cushing’s syndrome

Addison’s disease

Adrenal gland tumors

CAH

Adrenal gland cancer

Pheochromocytoma

Diagnosis advice and testing/screening

Whether or not seeking a diagnosis is worth it is up to you. Because you have to outward health concerns because of your hyperandrogenism, it can be hard to qualify for testing. Being diagnosed with an intersex condition can lead to medical mistreatment, malpractice, and abuse, as well as difficulty in transitioning. I don’t want to say what you should do because I don’t want you to make your decision based off of anyone but yourself.

It can be difficult to test for NCAH once you have gone on HRT as tests for NCAH are usually done via checking the hormone levels in your body. I was actually in a nearly identical situation to yours when I was questioning if I was intersex, so I totally relate to you on pretty much everything! I was already on T by the time I was questioning if I was intersex, which meant testing would involve me going off of T (which triggers my dysphoria) and could be difficult because of the effects T had on my body.

Based on my knowledge, there IS a genetic test for NCAH, but I’m not sure how easy it is to get. If you want to be screened for NCAH, ask your doctor about it.

You could also be screened for PCOS, but the screening for PCOS can be very dysphoria inducing if things regarding your genitals or genitalia being inspected triggers that if you have dysphoria, as well as the fact that many gynecologists aren’t trans+ friendly or intersex friendly. Gynecologists can also be tough because many gynecologists aren’t required or refuse to give patients things that reduce pain during procedures or inspections. It can be tough to find one, but don’t be discouraged!

Going on HRT

Any trans+ patients starting testosterone should be starting with microdosing and have various things in their blood checked before they start HRT (things such as red blood cell count, bone density, testosterone count), etc. After you start, especially since you have hyperandrogenism, it’s really important to have your blood drawn at least once a month to check various levels. (Or modified based on doctor recommendation.) Starting HRT must be closely monitored in order to know and ensure your body is healthy and to figure out if you should increase or decrease a T dosage.

When I started T HRT, my testosterone wasn’t checked before hand or the records of it were inaccessible to my doctors, so I went from having an above average T count for a person who was assigned female at birth to a person with a T count ABOVE the average for cis men regardless of body size. And you must consider I am a tiny person (I was 4’11 and ~95 lbs at the time). My doctors ALSO thought I was dying, haha. They called all freaked out! Turns out I was fine.

Trans+ health doctors don’t usually think to check for potential intersex conditions that could affect HRT in my experience.

Make sure you advocate for yourself during your transition. It can be difficut but it is necessary!

Final notes

I saw you mentioned that you’ve been IDing as transmasc and the phrasing sorta makes it sound like you’ve been questioning that, so just in case–if you’re are questioning if you’re transmasc or not because you’re potentially intersex, you can still be transmasc! Generally speaking, transmasc is used to be synonymous with FTM and means someone who was assigned female at birth and then later identifies as/realizes they’re masculine-aligned or male*. I’d also like to say just, gender wise, label wise, you can do whatever you want, always. It doesn’t matter what people think. If not, ignore me and my little soapbox because I just wanted to make sure you know that!

And thank you for the kind words about this blog, I hope I can reach more and more intersex people on Tumblr and help as many people out as I can. And don't worry about "spamming", you didn't spam but even if you did I love spam so no worries. If you want to chat further you can DM me on here or on my Discord (which I can give via DM or via an ask off of anonymous and then I'll answer you privately)

If you have any other thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, etc., please let me know! Even if it’s just that this helped! I love getting to answer asks and help people out.

If I accidentally skimmed past any of your questions or concerns, let me know and I’ll edit this post to include any information.

And to anyone, if you see any false information, typos, grammar mistakes, formatting issues, etc., please let me know and I will change it.

*I’d like to make it clear that I fully support people who use this term otherwise. There is a significant number of intersex people who identify as transmasc because it describes part of their experience even if they were assigned female at birth. The terms transmasc/fem/neu(tral), FTM, MTF, FTNB, and MTNB are often used differently or used in a way that doesn’t fit the traditional expectations of many other queer people by groups such as: intersex people, bigender, multigender people, genderfluid people, genderflux people, genderqueer people, genderfucked people, and more. I absolutely support genderfuckery but also acknowledge that understanding of the term in how it’s usually used is necessary for understanding many individuals or conversations when the term is used.

[blackspoon99]

The Sign of Three Pt. 3

Sherlock x Female! Reader

TW: Drinking, Language, Potential Emetophobia (If you’ve seen this episode, you know), Spoilers to Season 3

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Part 5

“Of course, there’s hours of material here, but I’ve cut it down to the really good bits.”

Oh god, the stag night. You almost laughed just thinking about it. It was unbelievable that Sherlock was willingly telling this story to an audience. You were fortunate enough to witness some of the events of the night firsthand.

The story began the morning of in Baker Street, 11 am:

It was a Saturday morning, and you were over having tea with Sherlock. For the two of you, “having tea” consisted of you both reading in complete silence while you happened to be drinking tea. It was a common occurrence, and for you, it was a treasured tradition. You were curled up in John’s chair opposite Sherlock. Today, you were reading Emma by Jane Austen. You peeked over at Sherlock to see what he was reading. Sherlock was reading a book titled “Atlas of Forensic Pathology”. Riveting. The book looked so heavy; it would probably go straight through the floor if he dropped it.

You returned to your book. This was probably your third time reading the Jane Austen classic. You were inexplicably drawn to the plot, the message, the love story, all of it. You finally were at your favorite part. When Mr. Knightly said to Emma, “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” You looked at Sherlock over the pages of your book. You couldn’t help but consider the relevance of the quote in your own life.

When you first came to terms with the fact that you were in love with Sherlock, the feeling had burned through you. You couldn’t focus and constantly fought the urge to tell him. Possibly because of the several near-death experiences you'd had. After you made up with Sherlock at the engagement party, the feeling persisted but it was almost duller, easier to live with. You’d slowly regained security in Sherlock’s role in your life and you no longer constantly worried he’d leave again. You returned to your version of mundane and your unrequited feelings for Sherlock became the new normal. It had become more of a consistent ache than a burn.

Sherlock interrupted your thoughts: “Shouldn’t it be relatively easy to find a new book to read if you work in a bookstore?”

“True, but I like this one,” you said without looking up from your book.

“Why? What do you gain from reading a convoluted story of questionable morals that provides no useful information?”

You finally put your book down. “Because, I like to read for fun. Maybe you should try it sometime.”

Sherlock smiled and scoffed at you then returned to his book.

You shook your head and downed the rest of your tea. “Okay, I’ve got to go to work.” You got up and took your mug to the kitchen. On your way back to gather your things, you noticed an open file on the kitchen table that looked like a John Watson scrapbook. You pulled the first paper off the stack to see a cutout of John’s head pasted onto the Vitruvian Man. “Sherlock?” you called over your shoulder, “What’s this file for?”

“What file?” He asked.

You picked up the file and carried it back to the living room. You returned to your seat and started thumbing through it.

“Oh. That’s for the stag night,” said Sherlock.

“Stag night? I didn’t think you would want to do that sort of thing”

“Why not?” He swiftly closed his book. If you didn’t know better, you’d take the action as a sign of offense.

“Uh, no reason,” you said hastily. The file was full of peer-reviewed studies on alcohol consumption, detailed chemistry notes, and copies of John’s medical records. The last page was a detailed schedule of where they were going and how much they were going to drink every hour. “This is awfully thorough.”

“I needed to ensure the maximum amount of enjoyment for the both of us for the duration of the night.”

“How considerate of you.” You put the file down and leaned forward. “So, what do you have planned?”

“John and I will be drinking at a pub on every street we ever found a corpse.”

“That is oddly perfect for the both of you.”

“I thought so,” Sherlock said with a grin.

You looked at the time. If you didn’t leave now, you’d be late. “Well, I’m off. See you later, Sherlock.”

“Yes, yes, goodbye,” he mumbled and returned to reading. You left the file on the table, gathered your belongings, and left for your shift. 

---------------------------------

Later that evening:

You closed the bookshop at 8 pm and headed to the tube station. As you made your way through the crowded streets, you heard your phone ringing. You dug through your bag to find it as you walked. You saw Sherlock’s name on the caller ID and answered it. Your ears were immediately assaulted by electronic dance music.

You heard Sherlock’s voice first “Shut up John, I’m calling her.” He shouted over the music

“Who?” you then recognized John’s voice.

“Her John, I’m calling her!”

You struggled to hear the call over the booming music “Hello?? Sherlock? Why are you calling me?”

“Oh! It’s y/n! Hello!” John shouted into the phone. You winced at the volume.

“John? Where are you? Are you drunk?”

“Stag night! Sherlock tried to measure my piss. Then he got into a fight.”

“Give me that back” Sherlock’s voice “Y/n meet us back at Baker Street. It’s an ‘mergency”

“What did you say? Sherlock? It’s really hard to hear,”

“Baker Street. Now!” He shouted then hung up.

For a moment, you stood in the street, dumbfounded. It was only 8 pm and both Sherlock and John were piss drunk at some club. You couldn’t even begin to process the rest of the information. So much for Sherlock’s plan, although it did seem like they had “maximized their enjoyment”. You weren’t about to miss this.

——————————

You arrived at Baker Street by 8:30 pm. You opened the door to find Sherlock and John laying across the bottom of the stairs. “Hello boys, I’m here.” You announced.

At the sound of your voice, Sherlock and John scrambled to sit upright. Sherlock fell down a step in the process. You tried your best to suppress your laughter. “So, I’m here. What’s the emergency, Sherlock?”

“Right, you,” He said, raising his arm to point at you. “Upstairs.”

You watched Sherlock and John slowly stand up. John lifted one foot to climb the stairs, then stumbled backward.

“Do you need help, John?” You asked.

“Nah,” he said, “‘s alright, I’m fine. I can do it myself.”  

You slowly helped Sherlock and John up and into the flat. Sherlock tried to take off his coat, but his arms got stuck behind him. You giggled and gently pulled his coat off him and hung it on the coat rack. You lead Sherlock over to his chair and he flopped down into it.

You went into the kitchen to get some water for him and John. You figured they’d need it. You searched the cabinets, but there wasn’t a clean glass in sight. You resorted to the clean beakers on the countertops instead. You poured two 250mL beakers most of the way with water and walked them back into the living room. When you returned, Sherlock was sitting in his chair. He was drinking from a glass of scotch.

“Sherlock,” you groaned. “Where did you get that?” You attempted to reach for the glass, but he pulled his hand away, spilling it all over himself.

“It’s okay, this is fine,” he said, staring at his scotch-soaked shirt. “Oh,” he started. “I almost forgot,” Sherlock leaned over the side of his chair to grab something off the floor “You left this,” Sherlock said and handed you your copy of Emma. You hadn’t even realized it was gone.

“That was the emergency?”

“I still don’t understand how you could read this 3 times,” Sherlock slurred. “It’s so- what’s the word? Incorrect? ‘There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart.’ What an absurd thing to say” He contorted his face into an expression of disgust and took a sip of scotch from the glass in his hand.

“You read it? Today?” The fact that Sherlock had gone out of his way to read your favorite book made you unnaturally happy. You knew not to read into the things with Sherlock, but sometimes you couldn’t help yourself.

“You left it behind and I was so bored. Besides, I had to understand why you liked it so much. I still don’t know.”

You leaned over and snatched the glass of scotch from him. “I don’t think that’s the best idea, do you?” You handed him the beaker of water.

“Thank you,” he said with a goofy grin. In all the years you’d known Sherlock, you had never seen him like this. It was odd to say the least yet decidedly hilarious.

“Where’s John?”

Sherlock didn’t answer but pointed in the general direction of the bathroom. You decided to take the seat opposite Sherlock. As you sat down, Sherlock put his water on the floor. He then leaned forward and put his head in his hands, staring at you.

“What are you doing, Sherlock?” you asked.

“You,” he said, pointing at your face “are so hard to figure out sometimes, you know that?”

“Me?”

“It’s soooooo annoying. I can tell what almost everyone is thinking all the time, but not always you.”

“You think I’m hard to read?”

“Yes, you. Y/n L/n.” He waved his hands around while he slightly slurred his words.

“Okay then, how about this: I tell you what I’m thinking right now, and you do the same. Then, for one moment, we can understand each other completely.”

Sherlock furrowed his brow “You first.”

“I’m thinking… that I’m glad you called me.” Sherlock smiled and nodded. You giggled, “Now it’s your turn, and don’t lie to me. What are you thinking in this moment?”

Sherlock paused. “I’m thinking that my shirt’s all wet,” he said with a slight frown.

“That’s your own fault,” you said, putting one hand over your mouth to contain your laughter.

John re-entered the room holding post-it notes and a sharpie. “I’ve just had the best idea,” he said with a sloppy grin.

-----------------------------

The three of you all had post-its stuck to your foreheads, each with names written down. John sat in the client’s seat with the name MADONNA scribbled on the piece of paper stuck to his forehead. Sherlock, much to your enjoyment, had SHERLOCK HOLMES sloppily written on his forehead. As per the game, you had no idea what was written on yours. Sherlock was lounging back in his chair, resting his head on his hand.

“Am I a vegetable?” asked John

“You? Or the thing?” Sherlock asked smiling. The two of them snickered.

“Funny!” said John.

Sherlock looked down and smiled. “Thank you,” he choked out.

“To answer your question, John, no,” you said.

“Your go, Sherlock,” said John.

“Erm…. am I human?” he asked, turning to you.

“Sometimes,” you said with a smirk.

“No, no, it can’t be sometimes, can’t have that…”

“Fine. Yes, you’re human” you confirmed. “My turn. Am I a man?”

“Yeeep” answered John. “Sherlock, you again,” John said, forgetting it was his turn.

“Am I a man?”

John nodded. Sherlock kept going. “Am I a tall man?”

John looked at you and started laughing before he even spoke “Mm, not as tall as people think.” John’s head flopped to the side as he let out a hiccup

“Nice?”

“Ishh,” John said skeptically.

“Clever?”

“I’d say so,” you interjected.

“Do people…” he made air quotes as he spoke the word ‘people’ “... like me?”

“Not really,” you said, chuckling “You tend to rub them the wrong way.” If you had to babysit your adult drunk friends, you might as well have some fun.

“Hm,” Sherlock nodded intently. “Am I the current King of England?”

You and John immediately burst into laughter. “Good guess, Sherlock. But you do know England doesn’t have a king?” 

“Don’t we?”

“No,” John said. “Y/n, you go now”

“Right, okay. Am I a friend of ours?”

“Ehh, yes?” Sherlock said.

“Yes, yes they are Sherlock,” said John “Jesus.”

“Well, that narrows it down significantly. Am I Greg?”

“Who’s Greg?” Sherlock asked.

You rolled your eyes and took the post-it off your forehead. The name “Gavin” was written on it in Sherlock’s handwriting. Of course.

“Hey!” Sherlock yelled, “Cheater, that’s cheating. John, did you see that? Y/n’s cheating.” Sherlock got up and took the post-it from your hand. He leaned forward and stuck it back on your forehead. “There. Now it’s John’s turn.”

“Am I a woman?” asked John. He slumped in his seat. Sherlock immediately started giggling. “What?” John asked.

“Yes,” confirmed Sherlock

“Am I a pretty woman?”

“Er, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences, and role models.”

“But am I pretty?” John asked again.

“Yeah, Sherlock? Is John a pretty woman?”

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who you’re supposed to be.”

“What?! You picked the name,” John said.

“Ah, but I picked it at random from the papers,” Sherlock said, flailing his arm over to the stack of newspapers in the corner.

“I don’t think you understand the point of this game, Sherlock,” you added.

“So, I am human, I’m not as tall as people think I am ... I’m-I’m nice-ish ... clever, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way.”

“That’s correct,” said John.

“I’m you, aren’t I?” Sherlock asked, pointing to John.

“Ooh-ooh!” Mrs. Hudson chirped as she knocked on the door. “Client!” Behind Mrs. Hudson was a woman wearing a nurse’s outfit with a cardigan over it. You scrambled to take the post-it off your forehead as you stood up.

“Hello, I’m sorry, but this really isn’t a good time—”

Sherlock immediately stood up and interrupted you. “It’s not a bad time, no, no Y/n. We always help a person in need.”

“Do we?” you said with a forced smile and looked over at John for help. John just stared back blankly at you with a goofy drunken smile.

The woman beamed “Thank you,” she said. “Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes?”

John imitated a slide whistle, and pointed to Sherlock’s post-it on his forehead. Sherlock flashed a wide toothy grin. You put your head in your hands in defeat.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A few moments later, you’d made the woman, Tessa, some tea, and you John and Sherlock were sitting on the couch. Sherlock was sat in between you and John. Tessa sat in a chair opposite the three of you.

“I don’t ... a lot ... I mean, I don’t ... date all that much ... and ... he seemed ... nice, you know?”

You looked over at Sherlock and John hoping they could keep it together. John was blinking slowly and heavily while trying to stay awake. Sherlock was listening to Tessa’s story intently.

She continued. “We seemed to automatically connect. We had one night – dinner, such interesting conversation. It was ... lovely. To be honest, I’d love to have gone further ...”

Beside you, Sherlock closed his eyes and began to lean into your shoulder, dozing off. You subtly elbowed him, and he straightened up abruptly.

“But I thought, no, this is special. Let’s take it slowly, exchange numbers. He said he’d get in touch and then ... Maybe he wasn’t quite as keen as I was ...”

You looked over at John who was practically asleep with his eyes open. He had a blank stare and his mouth hung slightly open.

“But I – I just thought ... at least he’d call to say that we were finished,” Tessa concluded, tearing up slightly and looking at the floor. Immediately, Sherlock’s face contorted into an expression of sympathy as he dramatically brought his hand to his mouth. You stared in disbelief and handed Tessa a tissue. “Thank you,” she said to you. “I went round there, to his flat. No trace of him. Mr. Holmes…”

Sherlock leaned forward and rested his head on his hands.

“I honestly think I had dinner ... with a ghost.”

You and Tessa waited to hear what Sherlock had to say. You leaned forward to look at Sherlock and John’s faces only to discover they had both fallen asleep.

“With a ghost, Mr. Holmes!” Tessa repeated, louder.

You sharply elbowed Sherlock in the ribs much harder than before, and he sprung awake. “Boring, boring, boring,” he mumbled, then turned to you and put his hands on either side of your head. “No! fascinating!” He exclaimed, his face right up close to yours. Sherlock then turned to John “John – John! Wake up!” John finally stirred awake.

“I’m up,” he mumbled.

“Apologies about my ... you know ... thing,” Sherlock said, pointing at John. “Rude. Rude!” he yelled straight into your ear. You grimaced at the loud noise and put your hand on Sherlock’s forearm to settle him.

“Yes, that’s enough, Sherlock,” you whispered. “Uhm, go on, Tessa.”

“I checked with the landlord, and the man who lived there died. Heart attack. And there we are, having dinner one week on.” She turned and began to rummage through her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper and handed it to Sherlock. You grabbed it before he could take it. It was a print-out of an online chatroom. “And I found this thing online, sort of chatroom thing for girls who think they’re dating men from the spirit world.”

You nodded. This actually seemed like a decent case. Too bad Sherlock and John probably wouldn’t remember one word of it tomorrow. Sherlock tried to stand up next to you, wobbled, and then put one hand on the top of your head to steady himself. You groaned and struggled to untangle his hand from your hair.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find him in ten minutes,” Sherlock said confidently. Tessa smiled in relief. “What’s your dog’s name?”

You facepalmed and stood up next to Sherlock. He leaned over to wake up John. “John! Wake up! We’re meant to ... The game’s ... something” he said, waving his hand around.

“On!” yelled John.

“Yes, that,” Sherlock said, walking out the door. “Come on, Y/n.”

“Wait, Sherlock. Where are you going?” You protested, following him down the stairs.

“That’s a good question. Where are we going?” he asked Tessa in the foyer.

“Oh! Well, I suppose we ought to go to his flat,” Tessa said.

“Sherlock, no,” you said, “You can’t leave...” you looked off the the side awkwardly “…like this.” He ignored you and dragged John out to the sidewalk by his sweater sleeve. He stepped out into the street and hailed down a cab.

“40a, Jasmine Grove,” interjected Tessa as the cab pulled up.

“Are you coming Y/n?” Sherlock slurred.

“No!” you yelled. “And neither are you.” Before you could reach him, Sherlock climbed into the cab after John and Tessa and slammed the cab door in your face. The car drove off. 

“Come on, really?!” you yelled in frustration. Now you had to follow them. You ran to the edge of the sidewalk and decided to call a cab for yourself.

--------------------------------------------------------

You finally made it to the apartment to see Tessa and a man you presumed to be the landlord standing by the door. It was a rather modern apartment with exposed brick and abstract furniture. John was standing in the corner with his hands crossed over his chest and his lips pursed. He was swaying slightly, trying to keep his balance. You pushed past the landlord to see Sherlock kneeling on a shag carpet holding his pocket magnifier. As soon as you walked in, he face-planted into the carpet and passed out.

“He’s clueing for looks” John announced, proudly.

“Oh god,” you said, scrambling over to Sherlock. You grabbed his upper arm and tried to pull him up. God, he was heavy. 

“That’s it, I’m calling the police.” The landlord pulled out his cell phone.

“No, no, please, that won’t be necessary,” you protested.

“This is a famous detective. It’s Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson,” Tessa clarified.

You finally managed to get Sherlock to straighten up. “When did you get here?” Sherlock asked, looking up at you. Then, he bent over and immediately threw up on the carpet.

“Ugh why?” you groaned and plugged your nose. Sherlock wiped his mouth on his sleeve and then clicked his magnifier shut.

------------------------------------------------------

The next morning…

The landlord had called the police and the night ended with you watching Sherlock and John being driven away in the back of a police car. You’d immediately called Greg hoping he’d let them go. Greg had said the best he could do was try and let them off with a warning if they spent the night in the drunk tank. When the station opened, Greg sent you a photo of Sherlock and John asleep in a cell with the caption “Come and get ‘em!”

You walked into Scotland Yard and Greg was there to meet you. “Thank you, Greg,” you said, handing him one of the 4 coffees you’d brought.

“God, what on earth happened to them?” Greg asked, taking a sip from the coffee you gave him.

“Stag night got a bit out of hand,” you said. “Afraid I lost control of the situation.”  

“You can say that again,” agreed Greg as the two of you walked through the station to the drunk tank.

“Rise and Shine!” Greg bellowed as he swung open the door. John was awake and sitting on the floor. He had his hands on his head while Sherlock was still fast asleep on the bench.

“Oh my god,” John said, grimacing in pain. “Is that Greg?”

“Get up,” he said “Y/n’s come to collect you. Managed to square things with the desk sergeant.” John painfully and slowly got up. “What a couple of lightweights! Y/n said you couldn’t even make it to closing time!”

“Yeah, could you whisper?” John asked.

“NOT REALLY!” Greg shouted straight into his ear. Across the cell, Sherlock jolted awake, mouth wide open in shock. He tried to stand up, then fell backward back onto the bench. You walked over and helped him up.

“There you go, Sherlock. Nice and easy,” you said quietly and handed him one of the coffees. He took it and stumbled out of the cell, head down. He looked like hell, not to mention the way he smelled. You caught up to John and handed him one of the remaining coffees, leaving the last for yourself. You took a sip of your coffee and continued down the hall. 

“Well, thanks for a ... you know ... an evening,” John said to Sherlock.

“Oh, it was awful,” Sherlock said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I was gonna pretend, but it was, truly,” said John. He then turned to you. “Y/n, I am so sorry, that was—”

“It’s okay, I had fun,” you said with a smile.

“At least someone did,” said Sherlock. “That woman, Tessa, dated a ghost. The most interesting case for months. What a wasted opportunity.”

“Really? That’s your takeaway from this?” you asked. He shrugged. “Come on, boys, let’s get you home.” 

A/N: Stag night! I love this part of the episode, so I hope I did it justice. Funny story. When I was writing this, I was trying to find real book titles for Sherlock to read and I came across a real book titled “Surrounded by Idiots” I wanted to use it in the story SO BAD but it was so perfect, that it sounded cheesy and made up lmao. I’m 100% certain Sherlock would have it in his bookcase though. 

Taglist: @the-chaotic-cow @amoeebaa @scorpios-echos @sad-bitch-h0ur @drifting-away-in-space @that-thing-in-the-graveyard 

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Misread Details: Robert

CW: Dehumanizing language, BBU blanket warning, serial killer/death talk, descriptions of death/abduction/murder, blood, whumper death, some real vague implied noncon references, creepy whumper, sadistic whumper

Part One: Nanda | Part Two: Brute | Part Three: Robert

The Dark Discovery in Robert Weber’s Basement: Box Boy Killer, Part 3

r/LetsTalkTrueCrime

•Posted by u/oshaycanyousee

3 days ago

After Part One, where we learned about the mysterious, but possibly entirely natural, death of Nathaniel “Nanda” Benson, and Part Two, where we saw Henry “Brute” Hanlon’s double life lead to his untimely gruesome murder, you see the single thread that connects these two men who otherwise never met, interacted, or even shared a single person in common… a nameless Box Boy, present at the death of Nanda even if he isn’t responsible for it, and the proven killer of Brute.

It’s my theory that this Box Boy may have accidentally killed his legal owner, Nanda, and then picked up a taste for the act and moved on to taking shelter with those he turns into his victims.

With Brute, he simply didn’t know the man had a wife and children and entire other life, and may have assumed no one would come looking for him or recognize his death. With our third individual, Robert Weber, it seems like our Box Boy Serial Killer got in over his head.

I give you… the Accidental Vigilante death of Robert Weber.

You decide if our unknown killer is simply the unluckiest guy in the world or a killer who even now may be somewhere living with - and earning the trust of - his next victim.

-

One bright and sunny day in the quaint, old-fashioned California town of Rancher’s Rest, Robert Weber was late for work.

Weber worked in a vehicle repair business owned by lifelong “RR” resident Randy Niles, who had known Weber since his childhood and had been his boss since Weber was eighteen years old and fresh out of high school.

Niles, who is now nearly seventy-five and still spends his days in the shop with an Australian Shepherd named Cody and a blind pit bull named Sue keeping him company everywhere he goes, stated that Weber had no living family he knew of beyond his sister in Vermont, and he was just about the closest thing Weber had to a relative just from having known him so long.

“He didn’t have too much to do with his sister,” Randy said in an interview with Unsolved Mysteries. (You can see the interview on the new Netflix reboot of the show! It’s a really good episode, definitely recommend. It’s how I got into this case in the first place.) “Or nobody, really. Just us at work, the guys at the bar, that kinda thing. He was quiet, kept to himself really. You’d never just strike up a chat around town or anything. But he got on just fine with the boys here in the shop. He was a bit of an egghead, too, always going on about this thing or that he’d seen on the news. Little… odd. Little bit off, you might say. But really, who isn’t? In any case, you know, I’d known him since he was a little boy, so he was just Bobby Weber to me.”

Then, of course, one day Robert Weber didn’t show up to work. Randy Niles immediately felt that something was very wrong.

“When nine, nine-thirty came and went and he wasn’t there,” Niles said, “I knew someone needed to go check on him. Bobby showed up for work right on time or ten minutes early, rain or shine, for twenty years. My first thought was maybe he’d had an accident at home, or some kind of, you know, health thing. Almost never called in sick, took one vacation a year, that kinda thing. So I drove right on over there. This would’ve been, oh, probably ten or ten-fifteen when I got to the house. Had my dogs with me, and they never did like Bobby much, but as soon as I opened my door and got out of my truck they just lost their damn minds. Barking, growling, Cody’s hackles were up like you wouldn’t believe. I know it sounds damn crazy, but I’m sure those dogs could smell that evil had been done in that house.”

On camera, Niles goes quiet, here, his gaze slipping away from the interviewer as he scratches at the side of his nose. When he looks back, the hint of good humor that seems to be an eternal part of his expression is gone.

“I didn’t know what Bobby had been up to all this time. None of us knew. I’ve known Bobby Weber his whole life, and I… I had no idea.”

Randy Niles was unable to convince his two dogs to exit the truck, and eventually rolled down the windows to give them some air and a way out if they chose (he is insistent on this point in the Unsolved Mysteries episode - “don’t you dare say I left my dogs locked up in a truck on a sunny day, I sure didn’t - Cody even knows how to pull a door handle if it’s the right kind”) and got out to knock on Robert Weber’s front door.

No one answered.

Niles knocked again. Still no response.

The front door was locked, but Niles was able to locate an unlocked back door into the garage, where he found Weber’s car neatly parked and nothing out of place. However, once he used an interior door in the garage to enter Weber’s home, what he found was so shocking he still struggles to describe it today.

“The, uh. The first thing I saw,” Niles says in the Unsolved Mysteries episode, wiping at his mouth with a handkerchief, “was a cage. Big old cage in the living room. Like a kennel for a big dog, Great Dane or something, except… except, you know, kennels’re usually mostly wire, not that heavy. You can fold ‘em up, put ‘em away. This was… geez. This was pure metal. Bunch of blankets all piled at the bottom, too. Here’s the-... you know, my mind just didn’t want to even make the thought, but I just, I looked at it and-”

In the episode, Niles has to take another moment, here. His eyes grow wet, and his voice is hoarse when he speaks again. “People cage. Bobby had a damn man-sized cage in his living room. That’s when my stomach just fell out. Even then, though, I couldn’t-... I just thought, oh, well, what people get up to in their own homes is their business. But still, I just. I just decided, find Bobby, figure the rest out later. So I kept walking around looking for him.”

Randy Niles continued to call out, hoping to hear Weber’s response, but received none… at first. The radio in the kitchen was playing a local public radio station (“Bobby always hated the country western and classic rock we played at work, he was a big news man, big into classical, jazz, you know.”)

Niles noticed, he says, that the cage next to the couch had a wooden top, as though it were meant to act as a side table, and on that table was a small woven basket. Inside the basket appeared to be several State IDs and Driver’s licenses. Niles took note of this but his first assumption was maybe that Robert Weber had stolen some IDs or something.

Which was technically true, just… not quite the way he thought.

The kitchen, hallway, and all three bedrooms were equally empty of life. Every room was clean, everything neatly in place. Empty bottles of Jameson whiskey, Weber’s favorite brand, were lined up like décor along the mantel, and one half-full bottle was next to two clean, empty glasses on the kitchen table.

Even the beds were perfectly made.

The only thing missing was any sign of Robert Weber himself.

The question of Weber’s whereabouts was answered when Randy Niles heard a sound coming from the open door to Weber’s unfinished dirt basement.

“Like a ghost,” Niles said in his interview. “Just this low moaning sound. Hardly even thought of it as human, you know. But I just-... I called out, ‘Bobby? That you?’ and the moaning got a little louder, like whoever it was was tryin’ to answer. I could still hear my girls in the truck just going nuts, probably worried about me knowing what they maybe could smell even out there. I figured… I figured I’d best call the cops and get them out here. Seemed like a plan. So I picked up my phone and dialed, and then I headed down those basement steps.”

What Randy Niles discovered in Robert Weber’s basement was a dying man, battered and stabbed eight times, lying in a half-dug grave.

Robert Weber had been beaten with the very shovel that had done the digging. The shovel lay off to the side, caked in dirt and blood. Police would find some of Robert Weber’s hair on it, too. Then, the individual who had beaten him had gone back upstairs - blood smears were found on the railing to the stairs - and taken a kitchen knife out of the knife block on the countertop. A bloody fingerprint was found on the side of the knife block. They had then returned to the basement where Weber was stabbed, almost entirely through the stomach and chest, twenty-six times, until the cheap knife simply broke from the force.

Randy Niles admitted in his interview that he became very ill at this time. “From the shock,” He elaborated. “I haven’t been able to smell much since I was in a car wreck when I was young, so I didn’t smell what-... what my girls prob’ly smelled from outside, and what the cops smelled. To me, it was just… just a little off, is all. It was the sight of it that got to me, not the smell. The sight of the-... the hand.”

Behind Robert Weber’s body, the hand of another person was sticking up out of the loose dirt, as though someone was trying to dig their way out.

“I remember… I remember her nail polish was pink. That’s when I got sick, actually, was when I saw that hand with the painted nails. That’s when it just hit me all at once what Bobby had done.”

Randy Niles went back up the stairs and waited for the cops to arrive. Rancher’s Rest is a small town where everybody knows just about everybody else, and Niles was on a first-name basis with every single police officer he spoke to that day and in the days after. He would learn alongside the investigation that Robert Weber was not simply the quiet, intellectual car mechanic he had always seemed.

Instead, Robert Weber was a serial killer whose potential final victim had managed a miraculous, deadly escape.

Robert Weber never answered a single question about his own murder - he never fully regained consciousness and died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. His injuries were simply too severe. His autopsy showed that the cause of death was a stab wound that went deep into his chest and that he was first stabbed only after the beating with the shovel had taken place. Like Brute, most of his stab wounds were applied post-mortem in a rage rather than as part of the killing itself.

Medical examiners also found scratches on Weber’s face and arms, indicating that he had attempted to defend himself - or someone else had attempted to defend themself from him.

So why was Robert Weber killed, and why was there already a body in his basement? Investigators would piece together the story over the following days and weeks from a crime scene that only seemed to become darker and more baffling as time went on.

Excavating the basement was originally thought to be something that would be brief, but after the first body was removed, another one was found beneath it. Then another off to the side of that. And another, although this was simply bones.

Every time the forensics team thought they’d found the last human bone, they dug a little deeper or in a new spot and found more.

Eventually, the remains of twenty-two individuals would be removed from the basement of Robert Weber’s home, not including Weber himself. The oldest located victim was identified as Melinda Traxson, an Iowa woman reported missing by her family after she ran away in March of 1996… more than two decades before Robert Weber didn’t come to work one day.

Investigators are still working to match up every body with a missing persons’ case. For nearly all of them, the cause of death could not be easily ascertained due to the deterioration of the remains, but some showed signs of skull fractures. Identified individuals so far include:

Melinda Traxson, 19, from Iowa, ran away from home in 1996.

Billie Mortimer, 21, disappeared from a day out with friends at Lake Tahoe one year later in the summer of 1997. Her friends went to get lunch from the car after a swim and when they returned, she was gone.

Matthew Ranger, 22, went missing during a road trip to Yellowstone National Park in 1997 (only five months after Billie). His car was found abandoned by the side of the road with a flat tire.

Karl Janssen, 24, a tourist from the Netherlands who was also visiting Yellowstone, disappeared a month after Matthew. Last seen by an employee of the park who witnessed him speaking with another young man and getting into the man’s car. The employee said that the two seemed to be friendly with one another and did not seem like strangers.

Hannah Pointer, 26. She was reported missing in 1999 by her mother after failing to return home from work in Reno, Nevada. This disappearance occurred more than a year after Karl Janssen’s. Investigators would later discover that during this time period, Robert Weber dated a young woman from his hometown and he may not have wanted to risk her finding out what he was doing.

Isaac Jackson, 26, a Rancher’s Rest resident who disappeared after going out to a local bar to see his friend’s band play in 2000. His car was found submerged in a small pond two years later. This is the first time Weber apparently killed anyone close to home. He was actually briefly suspected in Jackson’s death, as he was the last person noted to see Jackson alive, but was cleared of suspicion at the time.

Dustin Swill, 21, who was driving from Colorado to California to visit his sister who had moved to Berras to work for WRU in 2001. He was last seen in a gas station near Yellowstone, where employees noted he spoke to a man who was smoking outside, who gave him a cigarette. When Swill left, employees saw the man put out his cigarette and leave shortly after. They did not find this unusual or noteworthy at the time.

Maria Vargas, 25, a Rancher’s Rest resident who was reported missing in 2002. Her family is intensely private and have shared few details about her, but it is known that her boyfriend at the time suspected Weber, who had attempted to convince her to leave the boyfriend for him and had apparently threatened her. He remained a suspect but there was never enough evidence to charge him.

Jennifer Striker, 28, from who never arrived for an appointment with a realtor in 2011. The long pause between Maria Vargas’s murder and Jennifer’s appeared to be due to Weber keeping a man named Finn Schneider within his home for more than a year after abducting him, as well as Weber serving five years in prison for a violent assault on a man he believed had sold him a defective vehicle. (Schneider was no longer in the home before the assault and prison time.)

Riley Nievelt, 25, was staying at the Big Meadow Campground with six friends during a weeklong vacation in 2012. She vanished while on a trip to purchase supplies. Her cell phone was found on the ground in the parking lot of the Food Lion in Rancher’s Rest, a short and easy drive away. At this time, with multiple individuals vanishing after being seen in Rancher’s Rest or being residents of the town, police begin to suspect and start hunting for a possible serial killer.

Alexander Peterson, 29, was a long-haul driver who vanished while working. He was last seen at a rest stop in 2014 on the California/Nevada state line, and would likely have passed right through Rancher’s Rest on his journey. He was reported missing by his ex-wife in South Dakota when he did not return as scheduled for a custodial visit.

The most recent victim, and owner of the hand that Randy Niles saw sticking up out of the dirt, was Yolanda Pierce, 26. She was a Rancher’s Rest resident with a troubled relationship with her husband, who had stormed out after an argument and was never seen again. She is believed to have died the same day as Robert Weber.

More remains exist but have not yet been identified. If you or anyone you know has a friend or family member who went missing during this time period in or near Rancher’s Rest, Yellowstone National Park, or Death Valley, it may be worth looking into, as those appear to be Robert Weber’s “hunting grounds”.

Disappearances in Yellowstone and Death Valley almost always matched up with Robert taking one of his rare weeklong vacations from work.

When investigators located three large diaries hidden inside a locked box in Weber’s closet, the first two fully filled up and the third nearly two-thirds finished, they found an exhaustively detailed record of Robert Weber’s crimes.

In these records, they discovered Weber’s first three victims were killed within 24 hours of abduction, with the rest being kept alive for longer and longer time periods. It is believed all of them met their end in Robert Weber’s basement.

Diary entries included records of two victims who were not a part of the bodies buried in Weber’s basement, both of whom may still be alive:

Finn Schneider, 19, a German tourist who disappeared in 2003 during a visit to Death Valley. Until Weber’s journals were found, it was believed he had perished in the park and had simply never been found. Robert Weber also visited Death Valley during this time. No one linked the two together. Evidence found in Weber’s home after his death, including the aforementioned diary entries and photographs, shows that Schneider was alive in Weber’s home for nearly sixteen months. It is believed Weber purchased the “human cage” that Randy Niles noticed around this time. The last diary entry that mentions Schneider states that he was “traded” on June 16th, 2005, to an individual only referred to as “Mouse.” What Weber received in exchange is unclear, but he was seen driving a new, custom-painted truck around this time, which he said he bought “from a personal ad” when asked by Niles about it. Schneider has never been found. However, his mother did receive a phone call in 2013 from an individual she believes to be her son, telling her that “Finn” was okay and to stop looking for him.

Our Box Boy, 334235, purchased by Nathaniel Benson years prior, whose whereabouts had been unknown since he murdered Brute Hanlon. Weber believed the Box Boy to be in his early twenties, according to his diary entries, and mentioned that he had picked the Boxie up hitchhiking and had intended to kill him before seeing the barcode on the inside of his left wrist and changing his mind. His diary suggests the Box Boy remained in his possession for roughly a fourteen months prior to Weber’s murder. Police have not released the details of what the Boxie was subjected to during this time, stating only that it is not the public’s interest for this information to be known, and they would like to locate the missing Boxie and interview him about certain details.

Four murders occurred during the time the Boxie was kept by Robert Weber. Weber noted that “the dog helped” with either murder or burial, suggesting that he may have worked as Weber’s accomplice in his terrible crimes.

Is it possible that they bonded over a shared urge to kill? Did the Boxie start a captive and become a companion?

Weber’s diary contained other disturbing facts, as well:

Weber also noted three failed abduction attempts in detail, in 1998, 2004, and 2017. In each he described with incredible precision of memory the appearances and descriptions of each person he failed to capture. He also appeared to do intensive research using their license plates and other information to find out where they lived and who they were. The names of these individuals have been kept quiet for privacy reasons.

Other failed abductions were noted, about one per year, without much detail. Or at least not enough for police officers to know who they were. Nearly all these failures were in one of three locations: Yellowstone National Park, Stanislaus National Forest and nearby campgrounds, and in or near Death Valley.

The last entry in Robert Weber’s diary was penned the day of his death.

NOTE: Weber referred to the Boxie as “the dog” in nearly all his journal entries. His last entry went:

May 6th, 20XX: The dog is pissed about something again. He’s always pissed about something. I think the thing in the basement probably kept him up all night with her caterwauling. He never gets used to the noises they make. God knows I can’t sleep either, at least not well. I’ll handle her tonight, have a drink with the dog after, see if that shuts up his nonsense for a while. Note: missed NPR interview with Senator Carlotta Grant on new leg. about the bb prohibition act. Find that on website later.

Found in Weber’s home, in boxes under his bed, were a series of restraints made of leather, high-quality items that appear to be custom-ordered to specific measurements. These included “gloves” intended to keep someone from being able to claw or scratch in their own defense, five sets of cuffs, a body harness, a leather half-face-mask that police referred to as a “muzzle”, several gags, some of which were deemed to be “designed to cause injury to the inside of the mouth”, and “other assorted items for use in torture and torment”.

You can find some leaked police docs online that go into more detail, but suffice to say they pretty much match the kinds of “toys” found in Nathaniel Benson and Brute Hanlon’s homes, too. And apparently, if you really know where to look, you can find some blurry low-quality photos Weber took, too.

While the items are a bit salacious, they aren’t entirely uncommon in consensual relationships, too, so it’s really not clear if they’re evidence of the Boxie being held against his will or not.

The investigation of the crime scene suggests that at some point after writing his final diary entry, Robert Weber made himself a pizza, which he ate half of and put the rest away in the fridge. His shaving cream and razor were found out on his sink, and Weber’s body was clean-shaven, suggesting he shaved shortly before his death.

He then watched three episodes of Law & Order: SVU. We know this because he texted during this time with his only living relative, the sister in Vermont. Little is known about Weber’s family and childhood, beyond his sister’s recounting of a quiet, strained home life with an overbearing mother and her mention that Robert endured several head injuries as a child and adolescent, including one that hospitalized him for days.

After he finished watching TV, Weber entered the basement and murdered Yolanda Pierce. It is believed he took the Box Boy downstairs with him, either as accomplice or witness. At some point while he was disposing of Yolanda Pierce’s remains, the Boxie became enraged for one reason or another, beat him with a shovel, got the kitchen knife from upstairs and stabbed him to death, and then left the house.

A neighbor remembers hearing odd noises around 3:30 AM and looking out their window to see a shadowy figure walking quickly down the road, but they weren’t able to see well enough to say whether or not the individual matches the description and WRU-provided photos of the Boxie. It does seem reasonable, though, to assume that the neighbor witnessed the Boxie fleeing the scene of the crime.

The Box Boy has never been seen again.

Police are pretty mum about the active investigation into the Box Boy’s whereabouts. I was able to get ahold of one source closely related to a member of the investigative team who said that there’s just not a lot of urgency. “Weber killed nearly two dozen people, just that we know of,” The source said. “The cops are a little bit ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’ about the situation. Unless the Boxie comes back to RR, they’re just inclined to let sleeping dogs lie.”

The sense of “let it be someone else’s problem” would be understandable… if this Box Boy weren’t responsible for one other direct murder, possibly two.

Police believe the Boxie has not left California, and is likely to be continuing to survive by engaging in prostitution or perhaps panhandling or some other hidden way of making money. Unconfirmed sightings have been located in three cities in central California, but all of these are unverified and should be taken with a grain of salt.

It’s also possible he hooked up with a pet liberation movement group, in which case he may be hiding out in a safehouse, protected from the consequences of his actions by the pet lib movement’s understandable insistence on total secrecy and anonymity for the Boxies they take in.

If he’s an innocent victim of circumstance, that’s fair.

If he’s a burgeoning serial killer with three victims under his belt and a taste for inflicting terrible violence on those who take him in… well… anyone who gives him shelter may be next.

Is our Boxie a purposeful killer or just supremely, almost incomprehensibly unlucky? Will he kill again? Was he Robert Weber’s accomplice or his victim?

Will he strike again?

Should there be an audit of WRU’s psychological testing on potential sign-ups to see if, perhaps, a Box Boy-wannabe with an urge to kill slipped through the cracks?

What do you think?

-

@astrobly @finder-of-rings @burtlederp @whump-tr0pes @raigash @eatyourdamnpears @orchidscript @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @boxboysandotherwhump @outofangband @whumptywhumpdump @whumpfigure @thehopelessopus @downriver914 @justabitofwhump @butwhatifyouwrite @newandfiguringitout @yet-another-heathen @nonsensical-whump @oops-its-whump @endless-whump @cubeswhump @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @whumpiary

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Breakable Heaven (pt. II) - p.l. dubois

Part I

Part two is here! Things start to heat up in this chapter, exciting stuff’s happening! I hope you guys like reading it as much as I’m loving writing - please slide into my inbox, let me know what you think! Reblogs are amazing too, it’s how we know people are liking what we’re putting out and helps to reach more people! (Plus it’s one of the joys of my life to read the tags. Seriously, so much fun.)

Part II (7.2k)

June 18 (fri)

“If we’re going to do this, we’ve got to sell it,” Laurel said, running a hand through her hair. “The fewer people who know the truth, the better.” 

Pierre nodded. “Agreed.” He sat back in his chair. “What do you think your parents will say?” 

Laurel laughed. “Uh, they think I’m seeing someone, actually.”

 “Oh?” 

“Yeah,” she nodded, “it was easier to just say I had a boyfriend than deal with their endless pestering, you know?” 

“So they’d buy it if you just told them you were getting married?” 

She shrugged. “I think so. You know we’re not particularly close, they haven’t met any of my boyfriends since I was in high school. So if I told them I was engaged, I don’t think they’d bat an eye, if I’m honest.” Pierre could sense there was more to the story, more that she wasn’t telling him, but he didn’t want to press. “What about yours?” she asked. 

“Well, we’ve got a couple options,” Pierre said, cracking a smile and leaning back into the cushions. “It was a drunken mistake.” 

She raised her eyebrows. “Then they’d just tell us to get a divorce.” 

“We fell in love after the first date.”

“Even less believable,” Laurel said, the corner of her lip twitching. 

“Or…,” Pierre said, kicking his feet up on the ottoman, a wicked grin on his face, “I got you pregnant and want to do the right thing.” 

Laurel snorted. “Little issue there.” 

“What?” 

“I’m not pregnant.”

Pierre ducked his head, blushing. “Right. There’s that.”

She nodded. “There’s that.” She tapped her fingers on the coffee table. “I’ve got it.” Pierre looked up. “We’ve been friends for a long time, couple years or something. Madeline went to York, so we met when you and Patrice came to visit. We realized we had feelings for each other a few months ago, everything moved super quickly since we already knew each other and had that foundation.”

“So we thought ‘why wait,’” Pierre finished. 

“Exactly,” Laurel said. “Why wait, if we already knew.”

“It’s a classic friends-to-lovers story, a tale as old as time,” he sighed wistfully. 

Laurel slapped his shoulder. “This is serious,” she said, but she was smiling all the same. “Okay, so we’ve at least got that worked out. Madeline and Patrice will obviously know, but other than that…” She trailed off. 

He nodded, and an understanding passed between them. “It’s a need-to-know basis.”

“It is.” Laurel shifted her laptop on the coffee table, squeezing closer to Pierre so he could see the screen. “So, we have to go down to the courthouse for a meeting with the court clerk who will perform the ceremony, bring birth certificates and ID, and —”

He glanced over at Laurel, her tongue caught between her teeth. “And?”

“You have to publish a declaration of intent to marry twenty days before the wedding. Online. In public.” 

Pierre looked oblivious. “So?”

Laurel rolled her eyes. “So, it has the date of the wedding and our full names and our whole entire addresses. And in case you’ve forgotten, you’re kind of a professional hockey player.” 

He shrugged. “All due respect, Laurel, but,” he glanced at the website, “who actually checks these things?” He had a point there, she thought, but she wasn’t about to let him win. 

“But your address, you’re not worried about that getting out there?”

“Maybe a little,” he admitted. “But my building’s got a receptionist and I’ve got locks on my doors. And plus,” Pierre added, “I’ve really never had much of a problem flying under the radar here. When I go back home, back to the suburbs, sure. And a little bit in Columbus, obviously. But there’s what, two million people in Montréal? I’m not on the Habs, so even the hockey fans here really couldn’t care less.”

She laughed. “Fair enough. Also, uh, living situation. We should probably talk about that.” 

“You’re moving in with me?” He said it like a question, but not as if it was something that would surprise him, or something he was opposed to. He said it like it was something he already knew the answer to. “I’ve got three rooms, plenty of space, Phil and Georgia would love to have a new sister. You and Piper would fit right in,” he said, reaching down to scratch her behind the ears. “Plus it’s got a great gym in the lobby, you can cancel your membership to that seedy place downtown with that trainer who always stares at you when you do weights.” Laurel’s ears perked up; she was surprised he remembered. She did have a gym downtown that she tried to make it to a few times a week, and there was that one creepy trainer, but she had only mentioned it to him once in passing. “Plus it has hot yoga once a week, and I know you’ve been dying to try.” That much was true. 

“At least let me help pay for rent,” she tried to bargain. 

“Nope!” he said, wincing a second later. “I didn’t mean it in like a patronizing way, I know you’re perfectly capable of pulling your own weight. I meant like I bought it outright, so there’s no rent to be paid. I’ll let you pay the electricity bill if you want?”

Laurel grinned. “That would make me feel better, thank you.” After looking at her computer for a minute, she spoke again. “How long have you had the apartment for?”

Pierre scratched his chin. “Couple years? I bought it after signing the contract this year. Some guys buy a Lamborghini, I bought an apartment. I don’t own the place in Columbus though.”

“How come?” Laurel asked, though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer. 

“Even with the contract, so much is up in the air. I could get traded in the middle of the season, or in the summer or whenever, and I don’t want to have just bought a house when I’ve got to move to Vancouver or wherever when the ink hasn’t even dried on the papers.”

This time, it was Laurel’s turn to leave with an unsaid question. “Is tomorrow good? To go down and get everything squared away at the courthouse?”

He bobbed his head. “Yeah, I’ve got some off-ice training in the morning, but any time after noon or so is good for me.”

Laurel nodded, making a few taps on her computer. “Okay, I’ve got us booked in at one, that good?”

“Yeah,” Pierre said, nodding in affirmation. “Now I’ve got to come up with an excuse to drive to my parents’ and get my birth certificate.”

---

It didn’t actually turn out to be all that difficult for Pierre; he made the drive back to Saint-Agathe-des-Monts later that afternoon, telling his parents he needed it to renew his health insurance card. He wasn’t sure they actually believed him, but his mom didn’t bat an eye before handing it over. Pierre spent the rest of the evening at home, cooking pasta, petting the dogs, and wondering what in the hell he had agreed to. He wasn’t second-guessing himself, not by a long-shot, but when she clicked that button to book their appointment, the gravity of the situation finally started to hit him. In less than a month, he was going to be getting married. 

June 19 (sat) 

Laurel met Pierre on the steps of the Montréal courthouse at a quarter to one the next day, clutching the straps of her tote like a lifeline. “Woah, Laurel, you’re holding that like you’ve got a bomb in there,” Pierre said. 

She flashed him a nervous smile. “No bomb, just very official very legal documents. Don’t want to lose it.” 

He held out his hand. “You ready?” 

Laurel was surprised at the gesture. Not shocked that he was being kind, but that he was cognizant enough to recognize that she was nervous, and wanted to do something about it. She took his hand. “Ready.”

It only took a minute to find the office, and a few more before the receptionist called them back to the clerk’s office. She introduced herself as Juliette Bergeron, congratulated them on their engagement, and asked to see the paperwork. Passports and birth certificates were handed over, signatures were signed on dotted lines, and half an hour later, they walked out of the courthouse with an appointment for a wedding on July 10. 

“Well, there’s that crossed off the checklist,” Laurel said, leaning up against the handrails as they stood on the courthouse steps. They had actually made a real checklist, a series of tasks on a shared Notes page of everything that needed to be completed before the wedding. Book the ceremony and post the public notice were done, but there were still a dozen-odd tasks left before they actually could get married. Starting with telling their parents. While they had developed as airtight a cover story as she supposed one could when they were committing what would charitably be referred to as citizenship fraud, they had agreed it was going to be far less messy to “come clean” as fiancés than after the wedding. Laurel had wanted to text them the news, or call so early they’d still be asleep and she could just avoid the conversation altogether, but Pierre had convinced her to FaceTime. “I know you guys aren’t super close, but I think they deserve that much, Laurel,” he had said, and he was right. Deep down, she knew he was right. 

“Ready?” Pierre asked, rubbing her back soothingly. 

Laurel flashed him a tight smile before pressing her mom’s contact. “As I’ll ever be.” Three agonizingly long rings later, her mom picked up. 

“Laurel? What are you doing calling, honey? Is everything okay?”

She let out a nervous giggle. “Does something have to be wrong for me to call my parents?”

“No,” Cheryl clucked, “but to be fair, you don’t call often.”

Laurel rubbed the back of her neck in discomfort. “That’s true. Uh, anyways, is dad there?”

“He’s in the kitchen,” her mom said, starting to catch onto the fact that maybe this wasn’t quite your run-of-the-mill check-in call. “What’s this all about, pumpkin?” 

The old term of endearment, one she hadn’t heard in years, brought tears to the corners of her eyes. “Can you call him in? I’d rather tell you both at the same time.”

Cheryl nodded, worry crossing her brow. “Doug? Laurel’s on the phone, she’s got something to tell us. Sounds important.”

“Coming,” Laurel heard her dad say in the background. A moment later, he padded into view. “Hey, Laurel, Mom said you’ve got some news?” 

Laurel nodded. “Yeah, just something I thought you guys should know. It’s not bad, you’re just going to be surprised, so I need you to keep an open mind, okay?”

“Who is he?” Doug asked, rubbing his forehead with an exasperated expression. 

She blanched. “He? Who’s he?” There’s no way he guessed...right?

“The jackass who got you pregnant, who else?” 

Laurel almost choked on her own spit. “Pregnant? Who said I’m pregnant? I’m not pregnant!”

Both of her parents let out an audible sigh of relief. “Well, Laurel, what conclusion did you expect us to jump to when you called us out of the blue and said you had important news?”

Laurel bit her lip; they had a point. “Fair. But, uh, rest assured, I’m not pregnant. I’m smarter than that.” She paused, steeling her nerves. “Remember that guy I told you I was seeing a few months ago?”

Her mom squinted like she was looking into the sun. “Vaguely? You didn’t really tell us much about him. Just that he was tall, nice, you met through friends.” It was a believable enough explanation back then, and Laurel was beyond grateful it dovetailed perfectly into the story she and Pierre had conjured up. “You didn’t even tell us his name.”

Laurel reached out her free hand, the one that wasn’t holding the phone, and made a grabby motion for his hand. He interlaced his fingers with hers. “Well, his name’s Pierre-Luc Dubois—”

Doug interrupted. “Very French.”

She grimaced. “I do live in Québec, Dad. But anyways, his name’s Pierre-Luc Dubois and we’re getting married.”

They sat still on the other end of the call, so still that if it weren’t for her mom’s rapid blinking she would have thought the call had been dropped. “Married?” her mom asked softly. 

“Yes, married.”

“How long have you even been seeing each other?” Doug asked, dumbfounded. 

“A little under six months. I know it’s not long, and I know it seems sudden, but we’ve known each other for a long time, you know? We met when I was still back in Toronto at university, Madeline introduced us.” Her parents nodded; Madeline, they knew. Madeline, they had met. Madeline, they trusted. “And we finally realized a little bit after New Year’s that we had feelings for each other, and it’s sort of been zero to a hundred ever since. We thought, if we knew we loved each other and we knew we were done looking, then what was the point of waiting for a year or two for it to be a ‘socially acceptable’ time to get married.” Laurel finished. 

Cheryl wrapped her hands around her mug of tea, eyelids still shooting rapid-fire blinks at the screen. “But, Laurel, we haven’t even met this boy, we barely know anything about him!”

Pierre squeezed her hand. “Actually, he’s just off-camera. Want to say hi, P?” 

He walked into view, waving politely at the screen. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Klerken, it’s so nice to finally meet you. Laurel’s had nothing but wonderful things to say.” A little flattery never hurt anybody, he thought. 

“Lovely to meet you, Pierre-Luc,” Cheryl said. “Forgive us if we’re still a little shocked, Laurel’s not normally one to spring things on us like this.”

He laughed. “Perfectly fair. I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to meet until now, but we’ve been trying to get used to the idea ourselves.”

Her dad leaned forward from his spot in the couch, giving Pierre as much of a once-over as he could from nearly 1500 miles away. “I’m not able to give you the normal talking-to I have with any of the other boys Laurel or Maggie have introduced us to, so this is going to have to do.” Maggie? Laurel had primed Pierre for the inevitable grilling, telling him that if it was anything like it had been in the past, it would be all bark and no bite. “So what do you do for work, Pierre-Luc?”

“I’m a professional hockey player in the NHL, I play for the Columbus Blue Jackets.” 

Doug’s eyebrows went up. As much of a front as he tried to put up, he was still a middle-aged man from Minnesota, and there were few things that impressed middle-aged men from Minnesota more than their daughters being suddenly engaged to NHL players. “NHL, huh? That’s very impressive. So you’re from Québec, then?”

“Yes, sir,” Pierre answered. “My hometown’s a little outside of the city, but I live in Montréal now. My mom’s from Georgia, though, so I’ve got dual citizenship and some family still down there.” 

Her parents didn’t take too kindly to the news that the wedding was in three weeks, since it was too tight a fit to be able to get time off, but promised to visit later in the summer to make a proper introduction to their new son-in-law. Her father continued to pepper him with questions about his hobbies, family, and how he takes his steak — according to the Doug Klerken rules, any man who orders anything above medium is not to be trusted — until Laurel mercifully cut him off, telling her parents they were late to meet up with some friends. “That wasn’t so bad,” Pierre said as Laurel slipped her phone into her purse, immediately plugging it into her portable charger as the FaceTime had drained all but 18% of her battery. 

Laurel made a face. “They’re good people and they care about me, but…” She trailed off. “They never really understood why I’d want anything more than I was given. Anything more than the status quo. And it’s just caused a lot of friction between us.” Her eyes flashed as she remembered something. “One more thing.” Pierre’s ears perked up. “If and when you ever talk to my parents again, just...don’t bring up politics.” Laurel grimaced. 

“Republicans?” he asked sympathetically. 

She nodded. “Trump-supporting Republicans. It’s another one of the reasons we don’t talk much anymore. I’m liberal, I’d probably be NDP if I could vote here, and we just don’t share the same values on a lot of things.”

“That’s got to be pretty rough on you,” Pierre said.

“Yeah,” Laurel admitted. “Probably more than I want to let on, but I think it helps that I’m able to get some distance.”

Pierre took a deep breath in. “Your, uh, your dad mentioned something that I wanted to ask you about.” 

Shit. Laurel had been able to avoid the conversation for long enough, but she was beginning to push her luck, and she couldn’t run forever. “Maggie?”

He nodded. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, but I thought I should ask.”

“Yeah, no, I get it,” Laurel said. “Um, long story short, Maggie’s my sister. It’s July, so…” she did the mental math in her head, “she’d be almost 31. Total free spirit. She left town pretty soon after she graduated, came back every so often but not nearly enough. Last I heard, she was an au pair in Italy.”

“And when was that?”

“Two years ago.” Pierre figured that was as good a time as any to drop the subject, so he did. They had decided that, while they were still downtown, it would be a good opportunity to get the ring shopping out of the way. Pierre looked up the highest-rated jewelry store on Yelp, and they set off on foot. 

Pierre opened the door for her as they stepped inside, greeted by a slightly over-enthusiastic salesman. “You paid for the ceremony fee, so I’m paying for the rings, okay?”

Laurel scoffed. “Hardly a fair trade, don’t you think?”

“I’ll live,” he said, smirking. 

Laurel had been wandering around by the solitaires for a few minutes when Pierre walked up behind her. “I know this isn’t going to be the wedding you’ve always dreamed of,” Pierre said, “but we’re going to make it the best we can.” He looked down at the cases, Laurel’s fingers dancing over the edge of the glass cover. “When you were in high school, or university, did you ever think about what kind of wedding you wanted?” Laurel gave a small nod. “And what kind of ring did you have?”

“I’ve always liked halo cuts,” she said softly.

Pierre inched his hand towards hers, wrapping his fingers around hers. They tensed for a second, but then relaxed into his grip. “Then let’s go get you that halo cut.”

There was no one else in the store aside from the salesman, so the couple was enveloped in a comfortable silence as they browsed. Her eyes stopped on a beautiful floral halo ring with an oval diamond. Pierre nodded to the salesman, who carefully took it off of its stand and handed it to Pierre, who carefully wiggled it onto Laurel’s fourth finger. If she closed her eyes, she was almost able to pretend that it was a proposal. Laurel brought her thumb to the ring, delicately running it over the pavé band with the ghost of a smile on her face. “What do you think?” Pierre asked, as if he couldn’t already tell her answer from the look on her face. 

Laurel looked up at him. “I love it. It fits perfectly.”

“Like Cinderella’s slipper.” He turned to the salesman. “Combien ça coûte?” (How much does it cost?) Laurel heard a number that made her swallow hard, more than anything she’d ever have bought for herself, but Pierre insisted it was a non-issue as he handed his card over. “He said that they’ve got another sample one in the back, and you’re welcome to just wear that one out if it fits.”

“Sounds good.” The salesman handed over the bag with Pierre’s ring and her matching wedding band, thanking them for their purchase before opening the door back into the sunny Montréal afternoon. Laurel craned her neck to try and sneak a peek inside the bag. “Don’t I get to see yours?”

Pierre cracked a wry grin. “Gotta wait until the wedding, babe. Can’t a man have a little mystery?”

“Fair enough,” Laurel said, not missing his use of the pet name but brushing it off as simply a spur-of-the-moment choice. “Do you want to do the honors?” she asked, referring to the all-important checklist. 

Pierre opened his phone with his spare hand, deftly navigating to the app and tapping twice. “Four down, seven to go. We’re on a roll. 

June 24 (thurs)

Surprisingly, telling Pierre-Luc’s parents hadn’t been nearly as intimidating as breaking the news to her own, at least for Laurel. They were shocked — and confused, and had a lot of questions — but were welcoming nonetheless. Patrice was almost like a second son to them, and the fact that she already came with his stamp of approval went a long way into calming them down. “He’s always been quite the romantic, the type to wear his heart on his sleeve. And he cares deeply about the people in his life. That’s you, now,” his mom had said. They drove up to meet them that Sunday, having brunch in his childhood home. That was, in essence, their first real “test” as a couple. They had never had to sell their relationship to anyone before; even when going out with Madeline and Patrice after their “engagement,” nothing ever seemed like it had changed. This time was different. This time had to be different.

His mom fawned over her engagement ring, asking her to spare no details in retelling the story of the proposal. Lucky for her, however, Laurel was the former president of the University of Toronto improv club, and coming up with background stories with exactly zero minutes to prepare was something of a specialty for her. Laurel immediately gushed about how unexpected it was; she was just expecting an evening walk through downtown until they turned down one of the piers by the basilica, reached the end overlooking the river, and Pierre dropped down on one knee. “I think I knew that he was the one way sooner than that, but it’s nice to finally have it be official,” she had said. 

Laurel shook herself out of her memories, turning the door into the locker room. She grabbed a pair of scrubs out of her shared locker — she had never met Alice, the other nurse who used it, but they had made a habit of leaving each other Post-it note greetings — and stripped off her t-shirt and jeans. Shimmying on her scrub pants, she tied them, leaning back into the locker to get her bag as the door shut behind her. She glanced over to the door, waving to Claire. Claire was sweet, a transplant from Vancouver who had lived in Québec as a child and decided to come back to work. She was sweet, having just started working at the beginning of the summer, but she was young, even younger than Laurel. And while her perky and energetic nature lent itself well to the dynamics of the floor, it was a lot for her to get used to. “Hey!” Laurel said, waving as she pulled a chain out of her purse, trying to discreetly unhook it. 

“Hey!” Claire responded, perky as ever. “How has your week been?” She worked Mondays and Thursdays with Laurel, but had the Saturday night shift as well. 

Laurel threw her hair up into a bun. “Good, good, busy. Met up with some friends yesterday, so that was nice, but not much. Took Piper to the dog park.” With my fiancé, she neglected to add. She twisted her ring off, trying to slip it onto the chain without Claire noticing. Like most of her married colleagues, Laurel had taken to wearing her engagement ring on a chain around her neck while at work instead of on her finger. It was under her scrubs most of the time, keeping at bay the questions she wasn’t yet ready to answer, and made it much easier to pull on and off gloves when the occasion called for it. But Claire was eagle-eyed, catching the sparkle of the diamond just as she slid it onto the chain.

She audibly gasped. “Is that an engagement ring?” 

Laurel had to think fast; once again, her improv skills were called up to bat. “No? It’s, uh, it’s a family heirloom, it was my grandma’s. Guess I didn’t think too much about which finger I put it on.” She could tell Claire didn’t quite believe her side of the story, but thankfully, she didn’t press. 

“If you say so,” she said, giving a not-so-subtle wink. 

June 27 (sun)

Laurel was sat in her living room, her TV on in the background as she scrolled absent-mindedly through her phone, savoring her last few hours before she had to go to bed for her 5:30 wake-up call. On a whim, she opened her Twitter. It wasn’t an app she used all that often — mostly just to keep in contact with the handful of high school and college friends who didn’t use Instagram — and she was well aware that she’d probably have to limit her use for her own sanity when she and Pierre went “public” after the wedding, but she liked being able to keep up with everyone. She followed her friends, a handful of celebrities and a few journalists, but her timeline wasn’t flooded with updates. Then she saw the little blue alert on the bottom. One new message. Clicking to her inbox, Laurel saw that it had been sent by Madeline four minutes earlier, a link to a tweet that just had the caption: “you should probably see this.”

Chewing the inside of her cheek, Laurel pressed the link. What could be so important that Madeline would have sent a message with that kind of urgency? And why didn’t she just text it? God, I hate puckbunny blogs, Laurel thought as she read the handle. Her eyes raced across the screen. So I was looking up the address of my friend’s wedding earlier since I lost my invitation and didn’t want to tell her, and saw this under??? I know he can be a private guy, but tell me you guys don’t think this is for PLD. Her eyes froze as soon as she finished reading, praying that somehow they were talking about a different PLD, that they hadn’t been found out and their cover hadn’t been blown and she wasn’t about to have a panic attack for the first time since junior year  — and then she saw the screenshot. Of their wedding announcement. Their public wedding announcement that not only had their full names and places of birth, but the location of the ceremony, the time, and their addresses. God, this is exactly what Laurel had been worried about. She immediately reported the tweet for exposing personal information, then made the poor decision to look at the comments section. Some people insisted it was legitimate, some convinced it was just photoshop, some were convinced that it couldn’t be Pierre-Luc even it looked like him, because he was training in Columbus for the summer, right? Thank God, it didn’t seem like anyone had done a deep enough dive to figure out who she was; there weren’t any screenshots of her accounts or photos of her in the comments section. It was eight minutes from the time she reported it to when it was taken down, and while Laurel was grateful for the quick response, she felt like she was on a cliffside, one foot off of the edge, until it had been deleted. 

Her phone lit up with a text notification from Pierre. Funny thing happened today. 

Oh God, Laurel thought. Had he seen it? He hadn’t.

My mom asked what you were planning to do about flowers and got very upset when I said we didn’t have any plans. She let out a tense breath. Flowers, she could do. She wanted to get your number to send over the names of a few florists she knows in the area, but I thought I should check with you first to make sure that’s okay. 

Laurel smiled, her right hand draped over the side of the couch to scratch Piper behind the ears. That sounds great, P. 

As promised, his mom texted Laurel soon after, coming armed with recommendations of Montréal florists. She echoed her son’s words almost identically; You deserve to have the wedding you’ve always dreamed of even if the circumstances are different, she had written. Her eyes pricked with tears as she fell asleep. 

July 3 (sun)

It was a week before the wedding, and Laurel had started to pack up her apartment. It seemed much more practical to do it in stages then try to finish everything the weekend of the wedding. So she sat with Pierre on the floor of her bedroom, moving boxes between them as they packed away into the next season of her life. Some things, she obviously couldn’t put away yet — she still needed clothes and toothpaste, and they hadn’t been able to get all of her pots and pans down to the Goodwill yet. But books and keepsakes could be boxed up, and unless there was a snowstorm in July, she didn’t need her parka either. 

“Oh, what’s this?” Pierre asked as he pulled a few more volumes off of her bookshelf. Laurel groaned  when she saw what was in his hand. 

“The 2013 Cloquet Senior High School yearbook. My sophomore year.”

He burst out laughing. “This, I’ve got to see.” He opened the cover. “Your mascot was the Lumberjacks?”

Laurel ducked her head, her cheeks heating. “Regrettably, yes. That’s what happens when your whole area used to be milling towns.”

Pierre’s brows furrowed. “I thought you said everything was about the mines, doesn’t your dad work in the mines?”

“He does,” Laurel said. “They had to figure out something to do after all of the trees had been cut down, you know?”

Pierre got the feeling it was really more of a rhetorical question. “What was your school like?” 

She placed one of her old Harry Potter books into the box. “Small is the first word that comes to mind. My graduating class couldn’t have been much bigger than 150 or so? We’d get snow days a couple of times a year, most of the time if it wasn’t a blizzard everyone would end up going down to the school anyways, we’d all have big snowball fights on the football field. Actually,” she said, pulling out her phone from her back pocket, “I think I might still have a clip of one.” She pulled up her videos, scooting over to Pierre and leaning into his side so he could see the screen. Raucous laughter filtered through the speakers; the only things in sight were snow forts and the tiniest bits of beanies peeking over the top. 

“THIS. IS. WAR!” 

Laurel snickered. “I think that sounds like Nicholas, he was the varsity quarterback for a few years. Usually was the one leading the sieges.” She put her phone away a minute later after the clip ended. “But other than that? There were actually a lot of pretty interesting elective classes, I got to take photography, work in the preschool on campus, take a class on Anishinaabe studies.”

“Anishinaabe?” Pierre questioned. 

“There’s a Native American reservation in town, the tribe’s Ojibwe so that’s the language family we studied. A lot of kids at the school, including one of my best friends Kristen, live on the reservation, so I think they wanted to not only have the class available for Native students who maybe wanted to learn more about their culture, but also for non-Native kids like me, so we’re able to gain a respect for whose land we’re living on,” Laurel explained. 

“Makes sense,” he said, flipping through the pages. He snorted. “This photo might be the best thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Laurel peeked over his shoulder, cringing at her school picture. “I really couldn’t have dressed any more 2012 if I tried, Pierre. Aggressively off-the-shoulder top, one of those godforsaken hair feathers, I bet you’d find dark wash skinny jeans if you could see from the waist down.”

“Hey, don’t talk about my fiancée like that,” Pierre said. “I like the look, I swear. You were such a cute kid, oh my God.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know. What happened to me, right?”

He looked at her from the side. “Nope.”

 June 9 (fri)

 It was the day before the wedding, and Laurel was trying to find a dress. She had been planning on wearing one — even if it was a courthouse wedding, she still wanted to look nice — but then she had spilled red wine onto the light blue one she had been thinking of wearing as she ironed it in the living room, and she didn’t want to put all of her eggs in one basket if the Oxiclean didn’t end up working. She called Madeline in a panic, who promised to be over as soon as she could with a few dresses of her own to see what she could do. There was a knock on the door, and Laurel practically flew across the room to fling it open, gathering Madeline in a hug even before she had crossed the threshold. Madeline patted her clumsily on the back. “There, there, Laur. It’s going to be okay, we’re going to fix it.”

Laurel ran one hand through her hair, her curls as frazzled as her mind. “It’s got to be. Half of my stuff’s already over at P’s place, what, do you want me to wear a,” she opened up her dresser, eyeing its meager contents, “bralette and lacy thong to my own wedding?”

Madeline shrugged. “I doubt Pierre would mind,” she said casually. 

Laurel almost choked on her own spit. “What do you mean?”

“Men are visual creatures, and you’re hot as hell, Laurel,” she stated matter-of-factly. 

“Still,” Laurel said, opening her closet and grabbing every single left over dress from its hanger, trying to distract herself from Madeline’s words, “I’d rather not be arrested for public indecency. I’m trying to stay in the country, remember?”

Madeline rolled her eyes. “I remember.” She thumbed through the dresses on Laurel’s bed. “You’re not wearing a black dress to get married,” she said pointedly. 

“It’s pretty?” Laurel tried to reason.

“It is, but it’s a wedding, not a funeral.” She moved onto the next one. “Bright red bodycon is great for the club, but not sure coquettish seductress is the look you’re going for.” The next one was a striped sweater dress; it was the middle of summer, so according to Madeline, that meant it was out. There was a navy shift dress that “could work, but it’s a little too much work and not enough play,” her friend had said. Laurel tried on Madeline’s dresses, but seeing as how she had three inches on her, the hemlines weren’t exactly in her favor. Madeline pulled out the last of the stack, gasping softly. “This one’s beautiful, where’s it from?”

Madeline looked at it, a knee-length ivory lace dress, rolling her eyes good-naturedly at Madeline. “It was for Aurélie’s bachelorette party last year, probably explains. You were drunk off your ass that night.”

“I’m hurt by that characterization, but I don’t remember enough to correct you,” Madeline said. “It’s perfect though, why didn’t you choose this one in the first place?”

Laurel rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m not sure?” Madeline gave her a look. “Fine, it just seems...It seems too much like an actual wedding dress. It’s white, or close enough, anyways,” she noted, fingering one of the delicate straps, “and gorgeous, and formal, and I’m worried if I wear it it’ll seem too real, and I’ll start thinking this is more than it is. Because all it is at the end of the day is a friend doing me a really, really big favor,” she finished, huffing and falling back onto her mattress. 

“At the end of the day, it’s still a wedding,” Madeline corrected, laying down next to her. “And you’re still a bride and he’s still a groom and you deserve to feel beautiful and cherished and special on your wedding day, no matter its circumstances. And who knows? Maybe you two stay married, and fall in love, and you live happily ever after with your half-dozen dogs and 2.5 kids on some farm out in the suburbs.”

Laurel snorted. “As if.” But two hours later, long after Madeline had already left, she sat back on the bed, hand ghosting over the lace of her now-wedding dress, thinking that maybe, just maybe, Madeline had a point.  

June 10 (sat) 

It was the morning of the wedding, and Laurel was pacing her room in her sweatpants, Piper looking at her in confusion from the doorway. It was just past 7 and the appointment wasn’t until 10, but she still had to get dressed and do her hair and makeup and pick up the flowers and eat and — her internal monologue was interrupted by the doorbell. Still half-asleep, she ambled over to the door, pulling it open without even really checking to see who it was. 

“Surprise!!” Patrice shouted, walking through the door, followed by Madeline and Pierre. “Madeline mentioned that you seemed a bit overwhelmed yesterday, so we thought we’d come over and get ready over here!” 

Laurel shuffled out of the way as Piper jumped on Pierre, who laughed and calmed her down with a few scratches on her chin. She had really taken a liking to him and his two dogs, which had initially been a point of nervousness for Laurel. But they got along great, shared space well, and she seemed to love her new brother and sister. “That’s really nice of you guys, I appreciate it,” she said sincerely. “Um, I don’t have much food left because of the move, but I think there’s some cereal in the cupboard?” 

“Silly you,” Pierre said, holding out a paper bag. “Did you think I’d leave my bride hungry on our wedding day? I got you sourdough french toast, should be on the top.” They had gone out to brunch once and she had ordered it, audibly moaning at how incredible it tasted. He remembered. 

“And raspberry mochas!” Madeline said, presenting her with a cup. 

Laurel took it, wrapping her spare arm around Madeline and kissing Pierre on the cheek. “This is incredible, guys. Really. I didn’t expect anything like this.”

“Exactly!” Madeline said, a perky expression on her face. “It’s a surprise!” She drifted into the kitchen, pulling out plates from Laurel’s cabinet and forks from her drawers. “Breakfast is served!”

Laurel let out a laugh as she grabbed the box with her french toast, taking a sip of her mocha. “I think the credit goes to the chefs at the restaurant, but whatever you say, Madi.”

Madeline rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but we ordered it. 

By the time they had all inhaled their breakfasts and cleaned the kitchen — Laurel and Pierre tag-teamed the dishes — it was almost eight, and Madeline whisked her into her room to get ready. “There should be a couple beers in the fridge, help yourselves!” Laurel shouted out the door as Madeline tried to wrestle her into the ensuite. For the most part, Madeline was good at listening to Laurel’s pleas against a dramatic makeup look. Muted rose lipstick, filled in her eyebrows, delicately pulled back her hair into a twisted bun. “Where’s your setting spray?” Madeline asked, rooting through her makeup bag. 

“Top drawer on the left. Are you finally going to let me see?”

Madeline pulled the drawer out, uncapping the bottle and spritzing it over Laurel’s face. “Go for it.”

Laurel turned around, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror. “Oh my God,” she said, turning her head so the glimmer of her highlighter caught in the early-morning sun streaming through the open window. “You’ve outdone yourself.”

“Don’t say that until you’ve put the dress on,” Madeline said, pulling it off of its hanger and draping it across the chair. Sweats came off and the dress went on, Madeline carefully pulling up the back zipper and straightening out her hem. Laurel bent down to put on her shoes, threading the silver straps through the tiny metal clasp before giving her leg a good shake. Madeline looked at her sceptically. 

“What?” Laurel asked innocently. “I don’t want it to fall off halfway down the aisle.” 

There was a knock on the bedroom door, Patrice’s voice floating in from the other side. “It’s 9:20, you two about ready to head out?”

“Coming!” Madeline called back, pulling Laurel up from the bed. “You ready, Laur?” Laurel gave a nervous nod. “Let’s go get you married.”

She stepped out into the living room, reaching up to her neck and fingering the silver filigree of her grandma’s wedding necklace, one of the only things she had left to remember her by. If she wasn’t able to complete the whole rhyme, at least she’d have her something old. “Who’s driving?” she asked. 

Pierre wheeled around, mouth gaping like a fish when he saw her. Laurel immediately looked down to her dress, wondering if she had spilled one of her pre-wedding mimosas. “What is it?” she asked frantically. “Is there something in my teeth?”

He shook his head, tugging at the sleeves of his navy blue suit. “No, there’s nothing in your teeth, it’s perfect. You look beautiful.” They were in the car five minutes later, picked up the bouquet from the florist five minutes after that, and were outside of the courthouse by 9:50. Laurel took a deep breath, looking up at the glass doors of the Palais de Justice. Pierre threaded his fingers between hers, giving a reassuring squeeze. “You good?”

Laurel nodded, nervous but determined, sure that she was making the right decision. “Ready.” She barely remembered signing in, barely remembered going back to the clerk’s office, barely remembered her reading the mandated articles of the civil code. She gripped Pierre’s hands, giving him as much of a reassuring smile as she could, as the vows were read. 

“Pierre-Luc Dubois, do you take Laurel Elizabeth Klerken, here present, to be your wife?” Juliette asked. 

“I do.”

“Laurel Elizabeth Klerken, do you take Pierre-Luc Dubois, here present, to be your husband?”

“I do,” Laurel said, voice steady. 

Juliette continued. “By virtue of the powers vested in me by law, I now declare you, Pierre-Luc Dubois, and you, Laurel Elizabeth Klerken, united in the bonds of marriage.” Patrice passed over the rings; Laurel slid Pierre’s onto his ring finger, he gently twisted hers to rest on top of her engagement ring. “You are now legally married. Allow me, on my own behalf and on behalf of all those present, to offer you our best wishes for your happiness. You may now kiss the bride.”

Laurel panicked for a moment, before looking up and meeting Pierre’s eyes. In the span of a second, she communicated her unspoken agreement with the tiniest nod of her head, and his lips were on hers. His arms were against the small of her back, hers wrapped around his neck, and even enough it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, it felt like hours. It felt like coming home.

[achillianacedemia]

Neil Abraham Josten‘s Birth Chart Analysis

Neil is a never endingly entertaining character, to read about and analysis. As a self proclaimed astrologer I've taken up the task of reading some of Neil's birth charts to better understand our beautiful Junkie. This might seem like a waste of time to most people, including myself, but I have no life and I need divination intuition practice. 

*Note: the information we were given about Neil’s birthday is he was born January 19, 1988 in either Alexandria, Virginia or Baltimore, Maryland. We do not know his time of birth so I can’t tell you his rising (If I had to guess: Aries?) or houses. I just go over his big 6 in this post. Nora if you see this… what time was Neil born?  

Sun: Capricorn

Your sun sign is considered your core self, that’s why everyone knows their sun sign (and because it’s the easiest to calculate). Fundamentally Capricorn suns are defined by their need for structure. They are people who are very skilled and ambitious and focused on this material plain. For Neil this manifests as his fixation on Exy. When Capricorns want to be good at something they will stop at nothing to achieve this goal to the point of self destruction. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, planet of fortune, which basically means Capricorns are almost destined to go through some sort of great misfortune, normally involving money in some way. Neil's money problems are deadlier than most but it's classic with this sign. Similar to how your Moon sign represents your relationship with your mother, your sun represents your father. Fun fact about the deity Saturn or Kronos: He ate his children. Need I say more? Capricorn and daddy issues are basically synonyms. Capricorn's aren't necessarily social, mostly because their trauma leads them to avoiding people to protect themselves. They put their goals ahead of all else, including love and connection. Neil rather talks about Exy then sexuality. Some say this make’s capricorns boring but these people clearly have never met a capricorn. Capricorns might be rough around the edges, but in my experience they are great friends, even if they don’t realize it. 

Moon: Aquarius

OH THE MOMMY ISSUES!!! So your moon represents your emotional self and your relationship with your mother... and Aquarius is ruled by Uranus or Ouranos in Greek myth. You thought Saturn/Kronos eating his kids was bad? URANUS SHOVED HIS CHILDREN BACK INTO HIS WIFES WOMB!!! I see this play out in how mother was highly disattached from him, leading him to respond to emotional situations in a disattached and uninteresting way. This is shown in how he grieves for Seth. Contrary to popular belief, Aquarius is an air sign, meaning they have the characteristic Air sign aversion to feeling feelings. They prefer to logic their way through situations and to use their coping mechanism to deal. Yes they have emotions but they don’t like to share them (‘iM FiNe”). In contrast with Neil's Capricorn sun Aquarius moon needs to be able to communicate. Not about feelings but about what they do like talking about what they enjoy. This leads to a personality that craves human connection but doesn't know how to ask for it. Aquarius moon people also don't really give a shit about labels. It's all semantics for them. Now here is my unpopular opinion: Aquarius placements are sarcastic and temperamental. I know I said they don’t really like to share their emotions, but I feel Anger in aquarius is a natural consequence of not sharing their emotions. TL;DR Aqaurius placements we know you use sarcasm to mask your feelings. Talk about it. 

Mercury: Aquarius

So your Mercury is how you communicate with the world and your logical mind. again Aquarius is a logical air sign. These people are natural intelligence. Yes this does explain why Neil is good at math. He doesn't necessarily have to study to understand things as much as he can just get things from intuition. This explains his playstyle being largely intuitive and hard to explain how he knows things. Mercury in Aquarius people are active protagonists in their lives and do things to change the things in their lives (see him bringing together the team) as the humanitarians of the zodiac it comes naturally. Also going back to his capricorn sun mixed with his Aquarius in mercury means he physically cannot not talk about Exy and opening up about feeling’s is actually painful. 

Venus: Pisces

BOTTOM!!! No but seriously, Your Venus is how you relate to people, the things you value, and your romantic endeavors. Pisces is something else really. Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac giving them a spiritual, almost not their quality.  They don't like large groups typically prefer smaller social gatherings. When a Venus in Pisces love you they don't have boundary (you literally can't make this shit up it's literally the astrological embodiment of "It's always yes with you") they love you wholeheartedly and when it's just the two of you it's just two souls alone in an endless universe. If this sounds like an Andriel kiss scene then good because that's the vibe Pisces energy just gives off when they're MAKING YOUR DAMN HEART MELT WHAT THE HELL!!! So like most water signs THE SAVIOR COMPLEX IS REAL WITH THIS ONE!!! Neil values sacrifice and he rather be hurt then let someone else get hurt (*cough* running away to Evermore for Andrew *cough*). Pieces  will see you as your best self and likes to imagine you as your best self (Kevin and Neil both want Andrew to achieve his full potential in Exy). Venus really likes it in Pisces so pisces people are wholehearted in how they love. Basically they will love you with their entire soul and it will feel like a real life pipe dream. The only thing that can shatter this is when the other person tries to sabotage themself and their highest potential. Pisces wants the best for everyone and it hurts them to see other people not reach their fullest self. This is why that scene in TKM where Neil felt really hurt after Andrew didn't want to celebrate after winning the game and belittled Exy ment to much. More mushy gushy stuff, they believe in true love. They don't need to talk in order to feel that love. They rather just feel your souls connect on a higher level.

Mars: Sagittarius

So your Mars is akin to your Id. It's base animalistic desires. The things that make you tick. Sagittarius being the mutable fire sign is more mellow than your leos or aries. Sagittarius likes experiences. They tend to travel a lot and enjoy travel and experiencing new things. This sign is known for having commitment issues (being ruled by Jupiter) and likes to run from shit. This placement hates people who don't practice what they preach and hates to feel like they're being talked down to. They really want to try new things with you, be it traveling to new places or trying stuff out in the bedroom. Speaking of which… I mean they will try anything once. Definitely adrenaline junkies. The sign most likely to be down for a threesome. Also associated with the hips and thighs so definitely an ass man 

Damn that's really where i'm ending it. Here's his chart if you're curious...K bye

[silenthillmutual]

[ID: Anonymous said: this isnt like, a demand or request, just an expression of interest - you mentioned in your daniil-is-autistic post that you also think artemy is neurodivergent, and i would really enjoy seeing a similar post on that topic. thank you, have a nice day.]

(anon is referring to this post!)

i do have some thoughts that i would like to share about that topic! however comma, it probably will not be as in-depth as my post about daniil, as i am myself autistic and have had a couple years since being diagnosed to ruminate on places where that has affected my life, and so it’s easier to write about coming from a place of personal experience. i can do the same with depression, for the same reason.

i have a couple of ideas about what artemy could have:

adhd

ptsd

ocd

i won’t really be going into ptsd or ocd on this post because i feel like it’s more difficult to point the ptsd out (artemy doesn’t talk much about or flashback at all to being on the front) and because i think ocd should have its own post. it is severely misunderstood, even by other neurodivergent people. plus i think all four of the healers have it (or aspects of it), and this post is about artemy.

i feel like… something about the dsmv diagnostic criteria for adhd feels condescending to me, like it feels the way it’s worded places a lot of the blame on the person who has it? and some of the criteria like “fails to follow through on instructions”, “does not seem to listen when spoken to directly”, “has trouble holding attention on tasks” can depend greatly on the player. not as much of that is baked into artemy’s character and dialogue in the same way that social ineptitude, which is a core feature of autism, is baked into daniil’s character and dialogue.

with that being said: while i will include a few things from the diagnostic dsmv diagnositic criteria as listed on the cdc website, i am going to primarily be thinking about accounts from people with adhd. i have several friends with adhd (and i suspect that i may have it, though i’ve only come to suspect this recently and have had less time to think on it) whose experiences i will be taking into account.

other links to sources i am referring to: [adhd/autism venn diagram by tfw-adhd]  [what those symptoms look like in adults, by chadd]  [ptsd criteria on brainline]  [ocd criteria on beyondocd]

vague spoilers for pathologic classic & pathologic 2

very briefly & quickly: ptsd & ocd

the problem with going into it is this game is already a very difficult and anxiety-inducing world because of the plague and i’d argue that any of the healers could have one or both of these either before the outbreak or after it, so here are some things that stick out to me for

ptsd - overly negative thoughts or assumptions about oneself or the world (can overlap with adhd; artemy has the option to repeatedly blame himself for his father’s death), negative affect, feeling isolated, irritability or aggression, risky or destructive behavior, hypervigilance (any game that dabbles in horror aspects will expect this from you), difficulty sleeping (overlaps with adhd), depersonalization (this is a core aspect of the theatre theme of the game)

ocd - without going through the entire ybocs, i’ll just say that i think all three healers struggle with hoarding (understandably and by necessity) and hypermorality (all three protagonists believe they are the one and only person who is right, rubin is awfully judgmental of people who don’t abide by his personal standards). compulsions would be easier to point out in the game than the obsessions they are linked to, as we’re not exactly privvy to intrusive thoughts outside of the dreams. you could, however, say that artemy struggles with intrusive thoughts of causing harm even inadvertantly and argue that he takes measures to ensure that he doesn’t, won’t, and hasn’t. in classic, this is highly dependent on playstyle.

[this is my standard disclaimer that i have an official diagnosis of ptsd so i’m not just pulling this out of nowhere and am about 98% sure i have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and have researched it thoroughly.]

what’s built into the game: making careless mistakes, poor planning skills, time blindness / anxiety, executive dysfunction

pathologic is a game that sometimes feels like you’re being set up for failure. something that i missed talking about in my previous post is that it often feels like an autism/adhd simulator because it is, in classic, so very easy to screw yourself over and get locked out of an objective by picking the wrong dialogue option. while some of the correct dialogue options are obvious, others feel like a guessing game and you have to just hope you’re picking the right thing and have made a save file at the right place to go back and pick different options in the case that you’ve bungled something. hence, “making careless mistakes”. it’s a little bit easier in 2, as dialogue options that end a conversation are indicated with a diamond (thank you to whomever decided on that!), but it makes up for this by being unforgiving in other aspects. i believe the difficulty settings for imago state that the game is intended to be “almost unbearable” - and lots of people have difficulty completing it on the intended difficulty without cheats. (do not discourse about this on my post.) the game invites you to make careless mistakes and either live with or learn from them.

keeping this in mind, you’re kind of expected to have “poor planning skills” on at least your first time playing it. part of the game’s point is that you can’t do everything, and you can’t save everyone. not paying close enough attention or interpreting the instructions of the game just right in classic can cost you the lives of several of your bound.

that also feeds into time blindness & time anxiety. classic & 2 do these in different ways. in classic, you can’t run, so you have to hope you’re not busy doing something else or else hope that all of your letters come in at a time where you can hit up all the places you need to go, or you’re going to be cutting it short on time for the day. in 2, you can run, but there are far more sidequests to be completed than in classic.

i’d also argue that executive dysfunction is a core aspect of the game. you are very busy and very poor and items are very expensive, meaning that unless you know what you’re in for, either you or the town is low on resources or funds or time to do things like eat, sleep, and take care of your aches, immunity, and infection. all of which can be avoided if you don’t make careless mistakes, have good planning skills, and can manage your time wisely.

“interrupts or intrudes on others”

i don’t appear to have a screenshot of him doing this in 2, but he and daniil do have at least one conversation in which they keep interrupting each other. peak autism/adhd solidarity.

i do, however, have a screenshot example of him doing this to clara in pathologic classic

Haruspex: …Wait a second. If there was nothing but the great Bull, where did the stars and light come from? Changeling: Oh, don’t interrupt!

and as for intruding - khan feels that he does this frequently: intruding on him and capella at the station, intruding on him and notkin at the broken heart, and here he is intruding on kids at the nutshell:

We have so few places of our own - only a couple. And yet you feel the urge to impose yourself even here. Do you know what childhood is? It’s slavery. Herders treat their cattle better than parents treat their children. They lock us up like objects, mold us like statues, and still never take us remotely seriously.

he also intrudes on clara talking with block on day 11, either completely oblivious to the fact that he’s doing it or outright ignoring that he is.

“is often ‘on the go’“

i could say that this is one that is built into the way the game is organized, and it’s true! but his time spent with lara comes to mind. she’s not the only one to mention his restlessness, but i don’t keep screenshots of big vlad on hand so their day 1 dialogue is lost to the wind.

Aren’t you supposed to be terribly busy? I don’t understand why you keep coming. Or do you need my help again? I’ll wash your clothes. You’re filthy, like a chimney sweep. Revolting. While they dry, have some sleep.

“often fidgets […] or squirms in seat”

like with daniil’s body language, i don’t have any gifs to show to prove this. i’m really looking forward to seeing what idle animations he gets in the other two routes. for now i know that in the lucid dream, if you use flycam you can see him idling by swaying and rubbing his chin & that in other pantomimes he can be found constantly turning his head and looking around.

sleep problems

i don’t have the screen shot so just pretend that i do - he mentions this to the fellow traveler on, i think, day one when you go to the dead item shop. in either game, you can also only sleep for a maximum of six hours at a time, which is like..two hours less than the recommended amount, unless that’s changed.

little sense of danger & impulsivity

As usual, I act first and think later. I’ve made a panacea. But from what? What blood was that? Whose blood was that? To cure the Town, I’ll need to figure that out.

there’s actually no dialogue i can think of that addresses the danger of the situation he’s in - which is sort of the reason why i included it! though i am absolutely obsessed with classic artemy threatening grief, kingpin of the villains in town:

Bad Grief: That ain’t good! Got too soft a heart or something? Soft, eh… Well, can’t blame you. Haruspex: Got too hard of a bone structure? You watch it. I’ll break them in no time.

artemy has little to no problem offering to help daniil get ahold of organs and blood:

Bachelor: Exactly. I need tissues of a person who died of the Sand Plague. I need them today, right now! I’ve tried to get them at the cemetary, but failed miserably. The patrolmen are vigilantly watching over the dead. Haruspex: Would you like me to get you some? Bachelor: I’d reward you generously for that. Haruspex: Deal. I’ll do what I can, even though I still don’t have the right to.

‘even though i still don’t have the right to’ - he knows it’s illegal and could easily lose him reputation, but he jumps at the chance to do so. part of his route requires you being in constant danger, but later on there are options to tell daniil you won’t help him. this isn’t one of them.

in pathologic 2, you can also instigate fights with people by, to name a few: refusing to leave the house in the atrium where they have a person bound and gagged upstairs, not leaving barley the barber in grief’s lair, and picking the wrong dialogue option with the guys in the broken heart on day 11.

as referenced above, his impulsivity sometimes shows in the dialogue options you can choose. you can say things that clearly haven’t been thought through all the way. for example, this is what he says to clara bout her parents:

I wonder what you did to your old ones. There was someone gullible enough to adopt you?

and this is how she replies:

Clara: What? Why would you say that? I never even knew them. I’ve been an orphan for as long as I can remember. Artemy: I didn’t know. Right, that’s what I figured.

it’s not all that different from the sort of tactless comment a person with autism might make.

no motivation for tasks you are not interested in & hyperfixations

in pathologic 2, on day 3, daniil asks artemy to be his aide in developing a vaccine. artemy’s responses are all something dismissive and frequently quite rude. here’s the end of that conversation:

Bachelor: I will make the vaccine, but I can’t do it without you. All you need to do is be at hand and do as I say. I will take full responsibility for the situation. Haruspex: Perhaps I’ll drop by… if I have the time.

guess what never happens?

it’s understandable that the panacea is artemy’s main goal. what makes it stick out to me as a hyperfixation specifically is that, while a vaccine is daniil’s main goal, daniil manages to ask artemy about his progress with the panacea.

Bachelor: Anyway, how’s it going? Any progress?

the interest is never reciprocated.

emotional dysregulation & rejection sensitivity dysphoria

i personally think this is the most striking piece of evidence. every single perceived sleight can invoke a drastic reaction in artemy. just take day 3 for example - the perceived sleight here is the belief (based on no evidence) that daniil was snubbing him or trying to exclude him from the meeting:

Bachelor: Burakh. The situation is regretful. I just didn’t have time to warn you. Haruspex: This was ugly of you.

and then he proceeds to get into an argument with him. he can, in fact, get into snits with not just daniil, but with rubin and lara as well. i will not be taking sides in this, because who is right / who is wrong is not really the point, the point is how artemy responds to perceived sleights with increased emotional agitation.

when capella upsets him by telling him she’s taking the kids from under his care for their own protection, he can respond by comparing her to her horrible capitalist pig of a father:

You truly are your father’s daughter. Children always succeed their parents…

i can’t even remember what was said to him to get him to reply this, only that it was said to him by a teenager:

I’m a surgeon. Ever considered having your tongue removed?

he also holds onto murky’s repetitious “what is there about you to love? nothing. so i don’t.” and brings it up to her when she is infected with the sand plague on day 10. though it does bring the rather heartwarming line about murky having loved him from the start, my point remains that he has not been able to stop thinking about something murky has said that she has obviously already changed her mind about by this point in time in the game.

difficulties making & keeping friends

remember what i said about the interest in daniil’s vaccine not being reciprocated? yeah. friends, acquaintances, colleagues - they all kind of expect you to take an interest in their lives. this is where autism & adhd overlap, from my understanding - both can come with an inability to recognize social cues. in fact, i’m going to use the same example now that i used in my post about daniil (it is, after all, what inspired this ask):

Bachelor: From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

daniil thinks they’ve been having a normal conversation, but artemy hasn’t picked up on whatever social cues he’s been using. this could easily be on either one of them. though i will say, some of my easiest friendships as a person with autism have been with people who have adhd. which is why i’d suggest that daniil saying he’ll tell artemy about thanatica “the way i’d tell a close, intimate friend” is autism/adhd solidarity. despite initially not getting along, they are clearly able to communicate with each other.

i think the rest of this is really self-explanatory. despite being from the town in classic, artemy doesn’t actually appear to have any friends in it. could be a symptom of him having left much ealier (ten years ago as opposed to the five in pathologic 2), but in pathologic 2 his friendships are constantly under threat of spontaneous combustion. this day three conversation with lara sums it up nicely:

Lara: Ugh, whatever. Like it’s any of my business… Do whatever you want. Did you make peace with stakh? Artemy: Doesn’t look like it… Forget Stakh. I see now that I’m one step away from falling out with you. Why?

there’s a variety of reasons why his friendships are falling apart. but it occurs to me that there’s no mention of artemy communicating with his friends at all while he was gone, and maybe that’s contributing to it. this is not an attempt to pick sides (i think everybody’s wrong), i am just pointing this out.

adhd in adults: history of academic or career underachievement, relationship problems due to not completing tasks, chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals, chronic and intense feelings of frustration / guilt / blame

artemy did not finish med school. classic has him described as a “vagrant scholar” traveling from town to town to learn instead of staying in the capital where he was sent (”always ‘on the go’” indeed). in pathologic 2 he simply states that he doesn’t have a degree and that he sucked at latin.

relationship problems mentioned under “making and keeping friendships”, but it should be noted that you can repair your friendships by completing a sidequest on day 3 to gather everyone together. 

“chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals” is sort of the entirety of pathologic 2. you could say it’s built into the game, but artemy does express a lot of stress over not knowing where to turn for answers, has bizarre prophetic dreams, and is plagued by… well, the plague taunting him for not being to save his bound. both when notkin gets sick on day 4 and when all of the children get sick on day 10, he can express an extreme amount of guilt for not having the ability to cure them.

i mentioned under ptsd that artemy has a tendency to be able to blame himself for his father’s death, and i think that fits under here as well. there’s also this:

I get anxious thinking about my kids… Are they faring all right in the Lair without me?

conclusion

i do not know if i have adhd myself and i am sure there are things i am missing, especially as i have not completed artemy’s route in classic yet or started clara’s. feel free to contribute to this, i would love to see others’ input!

[gvf-imagines]

Part 1

(Josh/Danny/Jake/Sam x reader)

Warnings: alcohol use, self harm scars

word count:  3252

Thanks to @callmekane for beta reading this fic!

A/N: I’m excited about what this story will bring! This is going to be a very smut filled fan fiction series where the reader has a very sexual and open relationship with all of the boys! I know some people won’t like it I’m sure but all criticism is welcome! Please leave comments and let me know what you think and of course if you have an idea for the story I’m totally open to hearing your thoughts! I hope you enjoy it my friends ❣️

If you’d like to be on the tag-list so you know when I post part 2 just message me or let me know in the comments!

—————————————————————-

You smiled as you ran off stage, the fans were still screaming and kept screaming until the next band took the stage. The air was electric, so many people, all here to enjoy the great communicator that is music. You closed your eyes to take it all in, to just listen and feel. You couldn't believe you were here, playing in front of this many people. This year you shared the stage with another up and coming band by the name of Greta Van Fleet. You hadn't heard of them before recently and they were actually really good. They had so much soul and passion in their music, it was true, raw talent. 

You watched from the side stage as they played their eclectic set. The singer, Josh, really got the crowd going. He had so much energy and was really fun to watch. His voice was incredible, unbelievable even. He had this raspy, elegant twang in his voice, that truly matched perfectly with the music his band was producing. The drummer, Danny (if you remembered correctly), had such a powerful and classic Drumming style. It was full of life and emotion , just like you, he put his all into his performance. He was focused and truly the heart of the music. There was a guitarist and a Bassist, unlike your band which only consisted of you and your best friend. You, the drummer and your friend the singer and guitarist. The bassist, Sam,  had a very cool way about him, his body moved with the music in a way that seemed beyond his control. The guitarist, Jake , was stunning, his hands danced along his guitar so expertly, you could tell he truly enjoyed his time with his instrument. 

When they finished their set, the crowd erupted in a wave of applause and cheers, like bright yellow and orange fireworks booming through the air, you watched with your minds eye, in awe as they exploded and cracked in the sky. The Boys bowed and waved before walking off stage panting and sweating.

“Nice job!, excellent show” you comment smiling. Danny returned the smile with a grateful nod. 

“Aw thank you, I'm sorry I don't think we had a chance to meet before the show, I’m Dan-” he began.

“You're Danny, Sam , Jake , and Josh” you said, pointing to each of them and smiling. They all returned the smile, there was positive energy just radiating from them, you could feel it like a blanket of warmth resting over you. 

“My name is (y/n), it's so nice to meet you guys!” you chime happily. The lead singer, Josh smiles at and you think you catch a small wink as well, making your heart skip a beat. Perhaps you were seeing things. God he's handsome, his sparkling brown eyes, he had more structure in his jawline than you had in your entire life His chestnut hair was gorgeous and curly, his whole look just attracted you to no end. 

Fuck. 

“Hey your performance was super amazing too, your voice is absolutely incredible” Sam complimented, his voice popped all the bubbly thoughts of josh that foamed in your head. Thank goodness. “Yeah! You did an excellent job (y/n). Its one thing to be a good singer when you have three other band members to help you sound good, but you were out there all alone, just your voice and you still blew that crowd away” Danny added. You were blushing for sure now. 

“Yeah your voice is crazy good, we're honored to play alongside you” Jake chimed. 

“Oh wow you guys are gonna make me cry” you chuckle “thank you so much, that means a lot coming from someone with your talent” you reply. Sam waves his hand incredulously as if you were hyping them up and making them out to be better than they really were.. You weren't. They are  awe inspiring musicians.

“Water?” a stagehand offered walking over with a cooler. 

“Oh thank fucking Christ” Josh rendered making a bee line for the cooler. You chuckled, and now that you thought of it your throat was extremely dry from singing as well. Jake nicely offered you the bottle he grabbed with a smile. A true gentleman. 

“Thank you!” you offer as you grab the bottle from him. You practically ripped the cap off and chugged the whole bottle. It was delicious and cold and ran over your tongue and down your throat with a refreshingly cold bite. 

The five of you stand there and re hydrate for a minute before Sam speaks “we should go grab a drink!” he suggests with a slight raise of his perfect eyebrows. The guys look at you in waiting. 

“You wanna join us?” Josh asks, flashing a pearly white smile. You look around at them for a mere second before responding. 

“Sure! Yeah that sounds fun” 

“Right on, I think I saw a bar down the street we can go to” Jake claims as you all head to the doors behind the dressing rooms. 

Rain began to expel from the dark clouds above you as you all headed down the road. Cold air kisses your skin causing you to shiver slightly, you only had on black leather pants and a pink floral pattern blouse that you tied up a bit to expose part of your stomach. It was late, must have been almost midnight by now, the air was heavy with moisture and you could smell the rain soaked cement under your feet. 

“Are you cold?” Josh questions as he walks beside you, he startled you a bit. You smiled and looked at your arms, they were dotted with goosebumps. 

“Yeah kinda” you reply sheepishly. Josh instantly takes off the jean jacket he was wearing and handed it to you. Jake and the others were a few feet behind the two of you carrying on a conversation about the show. You reached out and accepted the jacket, Josh's gaze nonchalantly floated down your arm, his face fell when he noticed the deep scars that peppered across your skin near your wrists. You notice him looking at them before he brings his gaze back up to meet yours. Your cheeks burned with embarrassment and you quickly put the jacket on. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn't mean to stare” he says softly, looking down at the wet street. You knew by the tone in his voice he wasn't judging you. His look was filled with concern, not judgement.

“It's alright, people stare all the time” you responded 

“It doesn't bother me so much anymore, i'm used to it.” you added. Josh nods, a sad look still lingers on his gentle face. His jacket was warm, his scent filled your nose, it was comfortable and soothing, much like the rain that fell from the sky. You looked at him out of the corner of your eye, you could tell he was thinking about something, he had that  thousand yard stare stuck in his eyes. You hadn't known Josh for long but it's not hard to tell when someone is enthralled in thought.

“How long have you been singing?” you ask, trying to pull him from whatever trance he was in. 

“A long time, most of my life really” he answers with a smile. Talking about his music clearly made him happy. He in turn asked you the same question. You laugh before responding. 

“Honestly I've only been singing for a few years….drumming is my real talent and I've been doing that for most of my life, coming up on 18 years” you explain. Josh’s expression shifted from a smile to a look of surprise.

“Wow that’s awesome , are you self taught?” he asks again. You nodded “my dad taught me a few things here and there more when I first started out but, mostly I've taught myself” you said. Josh chuckled with a nod.

“That is really cool” he replied, you could tell by the tone and instance of his voice that he was genuinely impressed. 

“Oo careful on the compliments you've never heard me play before, just because I've been playing for a long time doesn't mean i’m any good” you joke, Josh laughs, shakes his head and nudges your shoulder. 

“Well have to get you behind Danny's kit some time” he implores. Hearing him say that made you happy, it meant he wanted to see you again. 

“You guys did really good tonight, I cant believe I've never heard of you guys before really. It wasn't until my manager told me who I'd be playing with at the festival that I started looking into you guys.” you admit. 

“Thanks you did an excellent job too, i really loved that first song you sang, ‘salt is my sugar’ I really resonated with that one, truly felt it, there's a lot of emotion in your lyrics.

“This is it,” Sam announces opening the front door and holding it for everyone to walk in. the smell of smoke and dark liquor hang heavy in the air. An ACDC song played over the speakers. It wasn't very busy, there was an older man sitting at the bar, a couple younger people playing pool and a few others scattered in booths. It was a total dive bar, a hole in the wall, which was just your style. You all sat at the bar on squeaky worn out bar stools. 

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked, perching himself up with his arms rested on the bar as a washrag sat, oh so typically, on his shoulder as he awaited your response. Jake looked at Josh with a raised brow giving him that ‘get a load of this guy’ look. 

“I'll have a beer,” Danny ordered. 

“Me as well please” Jake adds.

“Southern comfort and seven up for me please” you order next. 

“Hmm I'll have a long island iced tea” Sam says. You look at him holding back a chuckle Huh didn't take him for a long island iced tea kinda guy but to each their own. The bartender looked to josh. 

“Salty dog please” he requests.

“Put your IDs on the counter” the bartender instructs as he turns around to collect everyone's drinks. The five of you did as you were told and laid out your IDs. 

“So where are you guys headed now that the festival is over?” you asked playing with a stained, old coaster that sat in front of you. 

“We’re going back to Michigan for some well deserved time off” Josh responds. 

“For a little while anyways” he adds with a smile. 

“Hey I live in silver city!” you reply happily , silver city was a small town in Michigan closer to the upper peninsula. 

“Small world” you added. What are the chances the two of you lived within a few hours of each other and never met until the both of you played a festival in Los Angeles. 

You turn your attention to the combination of alcoholic drinks that the bartender set in front of you. Everyone reached for theirs offering quick cheers before taking a drink. The carbonation of the seven up burned against your throat before the alcohol sent the warming sensation through your chest and stomach. 

“Ah yum” you said, wincing from the sharpness of the alcohol. Jake laughed as he watched you.

“Not very convincing,” Sam says smiling. You laugh and take another drink. You watch Josh stir his drink lightly with the small straw it came with, he notices you looking. 

“Ever had a salty dog before?” he asks, hoping you say no. 

You simply shake your head in reply. He slides his drink closer to you. 

“We can share if you want, it's really good?” he offers. You look at the pink drink in front of you. 

“What's in it?” you ask. 

“It's just gin and grapefruit juice with a little salt around the rim,” he says. 

“Oh god that sounds horrible” you laugh.

“It's actually not that bad” Danny pipes up with a shrug.

“He made me try it a few weeks ago,” he adds. 

“Alright I'll take your word for it” you smile at Danny. You look back down at the drink. 

“I promise I didn't spike it” Josh chimes.  You laugh loudly, why would he even say that? 

“That's exactly what someone who spiked my drink would say” 

“But I guess I trust you guys” you add before taking a healthy sip of the beverage. 

“Hmm that's not bad!” conclude, it was much sweeter than you thought it would be, it kind of reminded you of orange juice and vodka. Josh nods with an I told you so sort of look on his face. 

“Here, try mine,” Sam says next, handing you his glass. 

“Alright you try mine too” you reply with a smile. Sam's slender fingers brush against yours as he grabs the drink from you , your eyes look to his and he winks. 

Oh god, I can't be attracted to two of them. Honestly, who were you kidding? You were insanely attracted to all of them, how were they ALL so cute and gorgeous? Not fair to the rest of man-kind. 

“Wow this one is super good!” you remark going in for another drink of the long island iced tea. 

“Yeah can you believe there's like 8 different alcohols in there? No tea at all” he laughs, you laughed with him. His laugh was sweet and light, like orange sparkling shards of glass dancing through the air. The five of you began talking about life and learning a lot about each other, ordering more drinks along the way. You could tell the mix of drinks was beginning to take effect on you, you felt warm and relaxed. You were standing next to Danny now, he towered over you, this man was truly a beast.the smell of his cologne wrapped around you. It was oaky and mossy with a hint of citrus, you couldn't help but feel an electrifying pull of attraction to him.

For fucks sake, you curse yourself.  

A few games of pool (which, it turns out Jake is like a God at pool) later you all found yourselves back at the bar carrying on more conversation, albeit more slurred now. It was much easier to open up to people when alcohol was involved. You rolled the sleeves of josh's jacked up, exposing your arms as the alcohol was making you extremely warm.

“What happened to you?” the bartender asks loudly. You and the guys all look at him with hints of confusion. 

“I got the worst concoction of my parents DNA possible” you joke , the boys laugh. Jake nudges your shoulder. 

“Shut up you're gorgeous” he says softly. You give him a quick smile. 

“No. Your arm. What happened to your arm.” the bartender says again, nodding to your scars. You hated when people asked that question, like they didn't know why you had those scars on your wrists. Very few things leave scars like that on skin. You looked around at the guys, josh looked pissed and the others looked saddened as this was the first time they had seen your scars, and they knew damn well what it was from, they weren’t as stupid as this bartender. The air of the bar had shifted, the mood went from fun loving to hostile very quickly. Fuck this guy.

“I got in a fight with a weed wacker” you retort sarcastically. The man rolls his eyes.

“What happened? Did your little boyfriend break up with you? Flunk a class? Your puppy ran away?” he was mocking you. You said nothing in return.

“You're just another one of those emotionally confused little girls, no reason to hate her life.” he continues. For some reason he was trying to upset you , and you had no idea why, you'd been nothing but pleasant to the man since the moment you entered the bar.

“First of all i'm not a girl, I'm a woman. Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning man? You're mad because you got all D’s in high school and now you're stuck serving losers like us in this shit hole, pretentious, sorry excuse of a bar? Go fuck yourself. I don’t hate my life.” you answer , anger pooling in your throat. 

“Hey man. Lay off.” Danny says with a look of warning. 

“Of course you don't hate your life” the man says ignoring Danny completely. 

“You just do it for attention, think if you slice yourself up maybe someone will feel bad for you huh? I've seen your kind before girl.” he speaks again. OK now this idiot was pissing you off. You never did it for attention, attention was the last thing you wanted, especially when it came to your scars, you wished you could erase them.

“Look, I've got three things to say to you,” you reply with an irritated sigh. You stood up from your stool and stepped closer to the man. 

“One” you say, holding up your pointer finger giving the illusion that you were going to list reasons of argument to him. Instead you ball your hand into a fist and punch the guy right in his fucking jaw with all your drunken might. To your surprise (and no doubt everyone else's) the bartender fell to the floor, you knocked him out.. Everyone was wide eyed and silent 

“Lets get outta here” Josh says, breaking the glistening silence in the bar, noticing everyone looking at the five of you. Jake grabbed a bottle of Jack before all of you ran out of the door. None of you could suppress your laughs as you took off down the street. Out of breath you all keeled over in a field of grass a few feet from the tour buses in a fit of laughter. You sat down on the wet grass and looked up at the clouds. Danny sat on your left and Sammy was on your right, Josh and Jake sat in front of you and you all formed a small little circle. 

“That felt good” you say softly, referring to punching that shit head of a bartender. Sam laughed.

“Yeah that was awesome, I can't believe you knocked him out” Jake chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. The air went silent again as you all sat with your own thoughts. Your face slowly lost emotion as thoughts of what the man said swirled around your mind. You tried not to let what people said to you about your scars get to you too much but it was hard sometimes. Danny noticed your expression and you felt his hand draw soft circles on your back.

“That guy was an idiot. He was just being an asshole” Josh said softly, you nodded, knowing he was right. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe you were just really that sad but a tear fell down your face and your voice cracked as you spoke. 

“I just feel so alone sometimes” you wiped the tears away as quickly as they fell. You could feel all of them watching you with sympathetic eyes.

“Everyone's got their vice (y/n)” Danny said quietly, his hand still grazing your back. 

Josh rolls his shirt sleeve up and reveals dozens of little horizontal scars covering his shoulder. He grabs your hand and you look up at him to meet his gaze. He stroked your hand with his thumb and gave you a comforting, gentle look. 

“You're not alone”

[dansnaturepictures]

My 10 wildlife and photography highlights of 2020 blogs: Blog 4-My year of butterflies (with mentions of other insects and flowers) Part 1

Complete housekeeping from the offset in that I began this year in these blogs as any other with one post for the highlights of my butterfly year with mentions of dragonflies, damselflies, moths and this year beetles and flowers I’d seen in places too this year more than ever for the latter. It became so long and like a dairy format charting days of lockdown and working from home, which was important in examining my year. So I let this blog run until my week off work in late June, then with the pandemic creating some spare slots this year in the thread my sixth of these highlights posts on Wednesday is a continuation mentioning butterflies and the above add-ons if you like notable experiences after that point. This post in the paragraphs below has the general sum up of my butterfly year and the next one is just pure diary of notable experiences from the summer onwards and the usual season winding down type things.

I am going to be quite honest with you and say I wrote this bit of the blog in March during the lockdown because of coronavirus, I have used time as I often do at this time of year so early on to start writing bits of these blogs and getting structures together for them to chart how the rest of the year unfolds. I had had some butterfly action to write about already. Unlike the bird highlights post I started writing the day before when no matter what happened with the virus I’d already had a pretty brilliant three months of birding to tide me over for the whole year, I currently have no idea what kind of butterfly year I’ll have due to Covid – 19 enforced restrictions. But what I can hand on heart say right now which will ring true in December, is this was definitely a memorable and different year of butterflies for me! Sticking to the figures though, I saw 43 species of butterfly in 2020 my second highest ever amount in a year after last year and just ahead of 2018 so actually in the end I did pretty well! I did manage to still luckily see quite a few butterflies during lockdown in great bits of weather, continuing when lockdown eased bit by bit when we could go to see species at further afield locations and it helped me a lot as I express below and a lot in my second butterflies.

Perhaps this year especially in the first lockdown due to seeing them outside the New Forest where I usually would I ended up mentioning seeing other insects quite a few times in this post, but talking about moths, dragon/damselflies etc. sort of relates still so it’s a bit longer than usual I’m afraid but does have butterflies as its main focus. This was an important year for these insects for me as 10 years since I saw and photographed a Silver-washed Fritillary at Bolderwood in the New Forest and said I’d like to know what species it is which sparked my whole interest and passion for butterflies. The trusty butterfly ID book I got that year to learn them from included moths which I dipped into then as I have since and it paved the way for me to take notice of the different dragon and damselflies too so it was a nice milestone a decade.

My butterfly year started in a similar manner to 2018 (the famous – for me – butterfly year where I saw one in the winter before bad weather came and I had a slower start but my season boomed over a hot summer) in that I saw an overwintering species on a sunny day just before storms Ciara and Dennis and that really bad patch of weather hit when I saw a Peacock butterfly dart past me on a sunny day at Toyd Down when that day we went to nearby butterfly haven for us Martin Down too in early February one of my most memorable days this year as I talked about in bird edition of these highlight posts. Date wise it was my second earliest ever first butterfly sighting in a year a theme that would trickle throughout my butterfly and insect year. Everyone noticed this really with a hot spring meaning every butterfly species emerged so early, the summer ones in particular came out around a month earlier which I noticed a lot, and the whole season seemed to be a month ahead which was both fascinating and concerning of the impacts of climate change.

After that the lull came and it wasn’t until the penultimate weekend of March I saw a butterfly again a Brimstone on a verge on the M27 on the way to Fort Cumberland my last regular weekend trip out before the Prime Minister announced the first lockdown. The week that followed was that butterfly awakening moment I always have in the early spring as we had a long patch of really sunny and quite warm in places weather and they came out on mass. Butterflies dominated my once daily allowed walk out to exercise over Lakeside and nearby areas with so many seen of four species. I saw my more Brimstones, my first Small Tortoiseshell and Small White of the year and more Peacocks. I took the first picture in this photoset of a Small Tortoiseshell near Lakeside and second of a Peacock in Lakeside that week. The Small Tortoiseshell made personal history for me as after months of practicing on flowers and plants etc. with my new macro lens my birthday present my main macro subject is butterflies I longed to use it on a butterfly and this was my first butterfly picture produced with my new macro lens as I felt the thrill of the chase of trying to photograph butterflies again to herald a new era for me which excited me very much and I very happy with how good this macro lens is. It gives me detail I have found astonishing when taking the pictures. Seeing the butterflies on these walks and just the walks in general really kept me going during the early parts of the lockdown and my spirits up. As did taking flower and blossom pictures in what was I thought a strong year for me for taking pictures of sights and signs of spring subjects in sunny and cloudy conditions from February onwards with probably my best ever set of blossom pictures and biggest variety of flower pictures in a year taken this year with my new macro lens very useful for flower pictures firstly I practiced it on them ready for butterflies but then was interested enough to photograph them alongside butterflies a lot which felt pivotal in my macro photography part of my hobby and as I chart in these two butterfly highlights posts especially this paved the way for me to learn flowers lots this year. It was a nice opportunity just to observe what was around me on the walks and in the gardens seeing birds, butterflies, bees (which I also saw well throughout the year) and many great flowers and local views. I gained to some extent a greater sense of appreciation for the little and simple things in nature all around me during the lockdown. I got so used to and thoroughly enjoyed Lakeside lunch time and when restrictions eased a bit evenings too sometimes walks I missed them or certain parts of them when rain or something hindered me doing them on a day. It’s amazing how many of the butterflies I saw for the first time in 2020 over my local country park Lakeside some I wouldn’t normally see here too so like with bird year ticks I got there it made me appreciate just how much is about on my local site being there daily. In 2018 this highlights blog in that year’s thread about butterflies reflected the stark weather extremes and how it impacted my year a key theme of my 2018 more than most of the blogs and this year it does the same for the coronavirus and this period of time where I worked from home early on and we were in lockdown is a definitive stretch of my 2020 so impacted my hobby massively.

The weekend after that week on a sunny and very warm daily exercise walk by the river Itchen I was delighted to see more Peacocks, Brimstones, Small Whites and my first Comma and female Orange Tips of the year. These were key first sightings of 2020 in a classic spring walk for me where I saw so many birds and butterflies and my first Swallow of the year too really lifting my spirts over that time. The next day I saw my first Speckled Wood of the year and many other butterflies mostly Small Tortoiseshell at Lakeside. During the following week I saw my first Large White of the year over Lakeside during daily exercise putting me on a pretty healthy 8 butterflies for the year at that stage given it was nearly three weeks into the lockdown so the butterflies began really emerging from the lockdown onwards but as I said at the time it came at the right time in a way as the ones emerging obviously were the early/all season butterflies which are the common ones and ones I did not have to travel to see. On Good Friday that week on a hot and sunny daily exercise walk at local Stoke Park Wood I saw six butterfly species, my first Holly Blue of the year and first male Orange Tip of 2020 both seen for an extended period the highlights as the butterfly season continued to blossom at that stage. On Easter Saturday a very hot walk at Hut Wood contained many more Peacocks seen and other butterflies most notably a male Orange Tip we saw fly by. Hut Wood was somewhere I’d never been before that day but during the lockdown 1.0 we relied on this beautiful and precious patch, hidden away in an urban area really, a lot for daily exercise walks and saw brilliant wildlife and views all round along the way on various walks a very key place for us to still get out as we safely could in that period. On Easter Sunday I saw some more butterflies beside the River Itchen with male and female Orange Tip the stars as well as Small White and Small Tortoiseshell. Even with the sun in and out somewhat and temperatures lower it seemed on Easter Monday where we went to Lakeside for daily exercise I saw a nice Speckled Wood flying. A key event in my Easter weekend too was seeing the tree visible from my room out the back in a neighbouring garden blossom really rapidly in hot weather. There was literally more blossom on it and in greater blossom every time I looked even within one day I noticed the difference on the Good Friday. This set the tone for me to enjoy this tree and notice it in glorious green all summer and into the autumn after the blossom was gone. Nice for a tree I first ever noticed in its red autumnal colour. I took the third picture in this photoset of another Speckled Wood at Lakeside the next day which was also very sunny during daily exercise. The day after that I got more great butterfly views at Lakeside of a few species especially of Holly Blue and nice bright views of male Orange Tips flying some of my best views of them this year in another strong spring for me for them and I also saw my first Large Red Damselfly of the year on that walk my first dragonfly or damselfly seen this year and my earliest ever sighting of the species in a year.

In mid-April on a Sunday daily exercise walk at a hot, sunny and yellow cowslip covered Magdalen Hill I had a wonderful and standout day of watching and photographing butterflies with me hitting some butterfly form with my new macro lens as such. We saw seven species of butterfly that day a high at that stage in the year, including my first Red Admirals and Green Hairstreak this year the former a relief I waited a little longer to see my first Red Admiral this year again and the latter quite the surprise as my earliest ever sighting of one in a year my first ever April sighting of one a special species I thought I may miss due to the virus. We got cracking views of it, the Red Admirals which I took the fourth picture in this photoset of one that day and the other species on that walk; many male Orange Tips, Holly Blue, Peacock, Comma and Brimstone including three flying together in the air which stood out as a memorable image in my head from the walk. The Green Hairstreak sighting was one of my moments of the year and I took one of my favourite photos this year and ever of it, an early strong one with my new macro lens and all the detail it brings of a butterfly what I mostly have a macro for so it was quite magical. Back on a weekday Lakeside daily exercise lunch time walk that following week I saw my next butterfly species this year when I stumbled across a beautiful Small Copper in a grassland area and watched it for a bit. Whilst I had seen them here before this was another surprise sighting for me really and another that was my earliest ever of the species. I was relieved also to see it as it was one I often see at locations we couldn’t go during the lockdown. Just like my first Common Tern of the year that I saw on the same walk that day it was a species that is common but that I don’t often see so locally that it showed me this day it is here locally and during the lockdown when I could look really close at what is immediately around me I saw what remarkable species are there and its one positive I took out of this difficult time for us all. That Friday that followed I finally saw a more common species that I’d been hoping to see all that week on exercise walks when I saw my first Green-veined White of the spring in another Lakeside daily exercise walk as well as some more Orange Tips very well. That was the last early common one I needed to see so brought a great sense of satisfaction. On that day it made my butterfly year list my joint second highest ever on that date compared to previous lists of mine on that date only one behind last year which was my highest ever butterfly year list total so it showed how the immense sunny and quite hot weather that we had during the lockdown helped me make a solid start to my butterfly year list during exercise walks.

The count of butterfly species in a day was higher still during a daily exercise walk the following Sunday the last of April on a very hot, sunny and memorable afternoon at Farley Mount. I saw my first Grizzled Skipper, Small Heath and Dingy Skippers of 2020 which was great the first two my earliest ever sightings of them in a year and also first I’d ever seen in April. It took my year list to 16 my highest ever amount on that date in a year. Other notable butterflies seen that walk included another Green Hairstreak just hanging on a tree something I really miss days I could see that now and for me that is spring and Red Admiral and more Orange Tips. The following Friday I finally got my first Orange Tip picture for just under five years the fifth of my pictures in this photoset when I saw a couple, and a Green-veined White very closely and so much more wildlife on a particularly memorable day where I took many photos too as I did a daily exercise walk over Lakeside. I had really been hoping for and trying to capture a rarely landing Orange Tip with the camera after a brilliant spring for them this year just like last year with how many I saw. I was glad I could achieve this. This year was the year to do it. I also reflected this day how I hadn’t ever seen one at the local for me Lakeside before this year and I didn’t really think Orange Tips one of my favourite butterflies would be about here but I frequently saw them along this path on the north of the site this year with great bits of vegetation for them. So it was one positive thing to come from the lockdown that I now know I have these species very close to me in the appropriate season and I had a feeling about that across the board that lockdown taught me just what amazing wildlife is on my doorstep so was a positive to take from this defining and difficult period of 2020. And it may change how and where I do and see things in years to come now.

On a visit to Bentley Wood in early May I was delighted to see my first Pearl-bordered Fritillaries of the year flitting around at various parts of the area we walked in decent numbers. My earliest ever sighting in a year of this one of our most precious and delicate butterfly species and one I always look forward to looking for in May. That day I also saw my first dragonflies of the year in the form of Broad-bodied Chasers both male and some females which was lovely on a sunny day, this also my earliest ever sighting of the species in a year. The following Wednesday I was delighted to see Orange Tip and see and photograph Small Copper flying past the house and on the grassy area outside the house respectively, the closest I’d ever seen both these brilliant species to home. At Lakeside on that walk it was also very nice to see a beautiful and so well coloured Swollen-thighed Beetle on an oxeye daisy and photograph it on the flower. One of the key species I learned in terms of beetles in my best ever year for them. The next day I saw a Small Heath at Lakeside not one I often see there but did loads this year, I photographed one here the following Tuesday the seventh picture in this photoset I had a good year for these I thought. The day after that the VE Day bank holiday Friday I saw Small Heaths in great numbers at Magdalen Hill during a daily exercise walk nice to see so many flitting around the grasses as well as yet more Green Hairstreaks in my best ever spring for them probably. Brimstone, Green-veined White, Small Tortoiseshell and views of Whitethroat bird wise also stood out on that very hot for May and sunny walk that day. On another very hot and sunny day at Hut Wood the following day I was pleased to see Brimstones with three males chasing a female all flying together in a long line which looked great and more of them, Peacock, Holly Blues and my first Beautiful Demoiselles of the year my second earliest ever sighting of one in a year. The day further became about different things for us to see and the little things of nature as we enjoyed views of lots of lovely Green Tiger Beetles flying and moving around, nice to see them again after a Studland in Dorset sighting of them in 2013 I have always liked them since and it came at a great time as I showed great interest in beetles those few days after the Swollen-thighed and I’d put together a list of all the identified ones I’d ever seen. I took the sixth picture in this photoset of one of the Green Tiger beetles that day. My first Foxgloves of the year and a slow worm on the path seen also stood out that day. That night a pretty Small dusty wave moth flew into our house which I photographed. The next day a grey one at Stockbridge Down the walk was rather lit up by a Common Blue flying by and landing, yet another butterfly year tick that was my earliest ever sighting of one in a year, a nice milestone butterfly that puts you into the mind that summer is near. On some cloudy days or cloudy parts of days around that time I still saw butterflies happily quite active so it showed the real peak of the season was around the corner where butterflies would be active not just on the sunny days.

On a sunny and cloudy in places Friday 15th May I had a brilliant lunch time Lakeside walk when I finally, for a third year running still quite notable at this very local site for me, saw the Brown Argus my first this year I had been looking for on exercise walks there all week. I spent a treasured few moments with this stunning species which I personally have a lot of admiration for in the “Marbled White meadow” area a bit of rich butterfly, flower and insect generally grassland I nickname in the park. Green-veined White, Small Heath and Speckled Wood were also about that day. On the walk to Lakeside I did spot my first Common Blue Damselfly of the year too that day, my earliest ever sighting of one in a year the Brown Argus was my second earliest sighting of one in a year after last year. I saw the Brown Argus again the following Wednesday and following an evening and morning watching four of them in this field area in early March I got a magical natural moment that hot and sunny day seeing a Roe Deer’s face right beside me peering out of lush and dense vegetation. The day after Friday 15th after the lockdown restrictions had their first easing in May we managed to do our under threat yearly pilgrimage to Noar Hill in the South Downs. Here we were very fortunate to get to see about 5-6 of its main star the Duke of Burgundy. This made me extremely happy and it was a true honour to once again get to see one of our rarest and absolutely most beautiful butterflies and enjoy such special moments with them. One of my butterfly moments of the year as always. I also saw my first Small Blue of the year that day and Dingy Skipper, Orange Tip, many Small Heaths, my first Five-spot burnet moth of the year and a Swollen-thighed Beetle again on a buttercup a very successful and memorable walk. The next day I saw two equally as breathtaking species for the first time in 2020, Adonis Blue and Marsh Fritillary on a walk at Martin Down. These two were massive standout butterflies of my year I was so pleased to get to see this year on a standout day which included top bird sightings too. I was so fortunate as I mention in other highlights posts this year too to get to enjoy Martin Down on the edge of the county so much this year through the spring and summer and even slightly into autumn. I also saw so many other butterfly species that day including Small Copper, Green Hairstreak, Orange Tip, Small and Common Blues, Grizzled and Dingy Skippers as well as my first Cinnabar moth of the year.

At Lakeside on a scorching and sunny 21st May walk I found a lovely little watery, reedbed and boggy spot where I enjoyed views of Broad-bodied Chaser, Common Blue Damselfly, Large Red Damselfly and as I was transfixed on watching these a Blue-tailed Damselfly appeared my first of the year the second earliest first sighting in a year I’d ever had of one of them. The next day I was lucky enough to see Common Blue damselflies mating I really got close and fascinating views of that and all the little movements which was a special spring moment I took a macro picture, and see and photograph another Large Red Damselfly along the path I saw the one in April in more habitat teeming with damselflies. I got a second Marsh Fritillary fix at Bentley Wood on second May bank holiday Monday when we saw a good few there in a field and very closely too. I had never seen any here before so it was the first time I’d seen any outside of Martin Down whilst I always love seeing them and everything there which was great I loved seeing them again. That day at Bentley Wood I also saw more Pearl-bordered Fritillary and sightings of more Five-spot Burnet, Broad-bodied Chaser, the damselflies and Southern Hawker and Keeled Skimmer which I’d seen for the first time in 2020 in the New Forest the day before stood out. Also nice to see; our first ever Mother Shipton moth briefly which was nice, tadpoles in the pond and bees in and around a nest that day. A key spring day. That day before we went out I witnessed some raw wildlife action in my bedroom en suite when I saw a very large spider and photographed it there and noticed it had consumed a smaller spider which I had seen and photographed before. This and the few weeks where I saw lots of spiders headlined an amazing year I had of seeing insects and lots of spiders in the house and taking pictures of them with my new macro lens so good for detail within the light environment of inside and not what I’d experienced before perhaps animals I wouldn’t have noticed before which was great. Back to Lakeside on a very sunny and hot lunch time walk on 27th May I was delighted to see my first Meadow Browns of 2020 a couple in the long grass there. Easily my earliest ever sighting of them in a year as my first ever May sighting of one, showing again how seeing butterflies on local walks this year my butterfly season was a bit ahead in terms of its timeline than my other years. This was such an important one too as the first I saw this year that I see as a summer species always a magical moment to look forward to what’s to come. That day it was nice to see the fairly similar Small Heath butterfly around for comparisons as well as Whitethroat and Roe Deer other wildlife wise. I photographed the first Meadow Brown that day on one of the big oxeye daisies fittingly as on that day with two photographs also taken of landscapes dominated by them and a few weeks proceeding it the meadows of Lakeside and surrounding areas including our garden a little were teeming with them. I had a great year for regular daisies too. I always love seeing these flowers but noticed and appreciated it in particular this spring especially the sheer amount of them. That Friday I got even closer to a Meadow Brown at Lakeside, whilst also seeing Small Heath, Brown Argus and Common Blue on another gorgeous weather day. That walk I also had one of my flower moments of the year seeing a Bee Orchid for the first time in the flesh an iconic, distinctive and truly beautiful wildflower so I was very happy. I took the eighth picture in this photoset of it. I saw them again a few weeks later here too. Alongside the Snake’s head fritillaries I got to love and was delighted to see and photograph at Lakeside earlier in the spring and a few more I’ve seen what a glorious urban site for special wild flowers Lakeside is this year. The Bee orchids really defined the lockdown or part-lockdown spring for me. That evening I did one in a series of more relaxed and reflective Friday evening walks as I finish half an hour early that day from work and the restrictions lessening allowed more than one walk in a day. I saw a Common Blue damselfly by some nice flowers I admired down the road in bright sun, a Blue-tailed Damselfly by Lakeside on the walk and following the Small Copper and Orange Tip nicely in a lot of butterflies seen here this year another Meadow Brown over the green at the front of the house.

We returned to Bentley Wood the following Saturday in one of my best general wildlife days this year. This included great views of my first Small Pearl-bordered Fritillaries and Large Skippers of the year. Another summer butterfly with Large Skipper my second earliest ever sighting of one in a year. Two of my standout butterflies of 2020 so enchanting to see them, to make it the highest a butterfly year list of mine had ever ended May on at 26 two ahead of my tremendous year of butterflies last year at that stage. It was a very memorable day for flowers and dragonflies too with my first Four-spotted Chaser and Emperor dragonfly seen this year by the pond some awesome spawning behaviour witnessed by the Emperor especially too which was a top wild memory on a hot and sunny day. I took the ninth picture in this photoset of the Emperor dragonfly. It was my second earliest first Emperor sighting of the year too and also meant I’d seen more dragonflies or damselflies than I ever had to end May this year on that day I’d seen treble the amount I’d seen at that stage last year my highest ever dragonfly and damselfly year list. Meadow Brown, Large Red Damselfly and Broad-bodied Chaser completed the highlights that day. We closed a marvellous May especially for butterflies at Martin Down on a sunny Sunday afternoon getting to get valuable second or subsequent chances to see species we’d seen that month or before again; such as many Adonis Blues and Small Heaths, Small Blue, Green Hairstreak and Cinnabar and burnet moths alongside lots of top bird encounters that afternoon. It was also nice seeing more Meadow Brown and Large Skipper top additions to our butterfly scene at that stage I got a picture I was proud of featuring the Large Skipper that day the tenth and final that I took in this photoset. One of my best butterfly pictures this year. That day I also saw a larger fritillary species – most likely either Dark Green or Silver-washed – flying over the grass far away I did not get the chance to tell which but it was another extremely early sighting of a summer butterfly.

I was delighted to see my first Black-tailed Skimmer of 2020 at Lakeside on lunch on 1st June, not one I excepted to see here and my first ever at Lakeside so another showing how I can open my eyes to just what is about on my local patch. It was once again my earliest ever sighting of one in a year and is now a crucial one for me to see year after year as my dragonfly year really got going over that period of hot and sunny weather. Brilliant to see and I enjoyed more views of Meadow Brown, Small Heath, Speckled Wood alongside other wildlife that fine day. On another hot and sunny day the next day I was happy to see Small Tortoiseshell there throwing back to the earlier spring this year as well as many of my star species from previous days again which was nice. The Small Tortoiseshell was seen on a lunch time and evening walk the latter I got great vibes and memories on a hot evening walking over to the meadow areas here like I as a tradition do a lot on summer nights on memorable and packed butterfly watching nights the whole feelings of the evening just took me back to those times in past years. It showed the strong stage of the season we were in as the next day that was slightly wetter and cooler albeit humid still a real weather change after a long run I still managed to see Meadow Brown, Small Heath, Blue-tailed Damselfly and some moths at Lakeside. Meadow Browns were around the next grey day mostly too and over those few days there seemed to be one at every turn everywhere I looked at Lakeside especially in grass when I walked over there alongside other summer species it was that moment where I became so used to them and reassured by their presence to sustain the status of early summer as the weather dipped a bit. The sun was back for my lunch time walk that Friday and as if nothing had changed Meadow Browns, Brown Argus and Common Blue were ones I saw on the walk alongside Comma, a dragonfly species and a Common Blue damselfly a walk I saw more great flowers on too like a pyramidal orchid. I remarked what a rich urban site for flowers Lakeside is which is wonderful. The working week was finished off perfectly as I was drawn back to Lakeside for a second walk that Friday with an early Marbled White on my mind. I didn’t see a Marbled White but was delighted to see an orange skipper species at first thinking large, but when I looked at it properly landed in the long grass I was thrilled to notice it was actually a Small Skipper following its cousin onto my year list still on dizzy high figures compared to my previous years at this time. This was yet again my earliest ever sighting of one in a year by far I don’t usually see them until mid-June at the very earliest and often July. So it was a wonderful surprise seeing this species I very often see with the Marbled Whites before it which doesn’t normally happen. It was at a time of year when many of the summer species were being seen in this country so early by everyone so it was a real notable moment of that observation trend of mine with butterflies this year and a wonderful memory for me seeing my first of this species this year a key moment for me in 2020. I saw yet another summer species and had another of the standout butterfly moments of my 2020 the next day as I saw one of my favourites the Silver-studded Blue relatively hunkered down on a grey and showery day at Deadman Hill in the New Forest. My third earliest ever sighting of one in a year.

I had a brilliant butterfly lunch time walk at Lakeside on 9th June one of my best this year. I got cracking views of a Comma, many Meadow Browns with their wings open which was memorable and I photographed and Small Skipper. Also in the area I call Marbled White meadow after days of searching with others seeing them and the grass looking more and more ready for them each day I caught sight of a Marbled White. This was a special moment as I felt compelled to follow it into long grass. I got some precious moments enjoying its intricate and stunning colour scheme a black and white scheme my T-shirt that day resembled. For this a species I usually see for the first time in a year on my commutes home from work cutting through here without a camera and have to run home to get my camera and back to try and find it or one again it was a relief that lunch time to be able to with my macro lens photograph it again straight away on a nice sunny patch of a day that had its fair share of cloudy moments too. Seeing the Marbled White here has become such a tradition for me so it felt wonderful to see one that lunch time and it was yet again my earliest ever sighting of this species in a year as I was well into seeing the summer species by that point. As rain engulfed much of the later half of that week I still saw moths and Meadow Brown well at Lakeside with a nice Friday view of a Yellow Shell moth. I went back that same evening and saw another Yellow Shell as well as my first ever Burnet companion moth it was an amazing and beautiful little thing to see. I reflected how my interest in moths was really growing this year as well. I also got lovely views of Meadow Brown and more precious Small Skipper and Marbled White views too.

I had a beautiful taste of summer day for insects at Stockbridge Down and Common Marsh the next day in June where I had my best ever afternoon of seeing Dark Green Fritillaries at the down really with dozens seen and some very close we saw they are stunning butterflies, my first of the year another summer species I saw on my earliest date in a year ever. I took I feel my best ever picture of this species that day too with my macro lens. I also saw more Marbled Whites, Green-veined White, Small Blue and Heath, Cinnabar moth and got great views of three of my favourites the Large Skipper, many Small Tortoiseshells and Adonis Blue which was great. At Common Marsh I got the great summer moment of seeing my first Scarlet Tiger moth of the year I do like them and as I have done before there saw my first Banded Demoiselle of the year. Meadow Brown and Small Tortoiseshell were about there too a pivotal part of my year. The next day at Martin Down another top one I got great views of Dark Green Fritillary, Marbled White, Meadow Browns, Small Tortoiseshell as a little influx of them occurred, Large and Small Skipper and Cinnabar moth as well as see only my second ever Chimney Sweeper moths. Poppies turning a field visible from there red from a beauty and landscape photography point of view stood out on that walk too as did seeing little red flowers do the same to Stockbridge Down the day before. Memorable moments for photos.

On the Monday that followed my next butterfly quest was fulfilled as I saw a Ringlet flying at Lakeside in a flower bed by the visitor centre, my first of the year, my earliest ever sighting of one in a year once again and an impressive I thought eleventh butterfly year tick seen either in or near to Lakeside this year. It was a great moment seeing this subtly different to Meadow Brown butterfly which I anticipated a lot for the second year running as a year tick here. I also got cracking views of Meadow Browns, Marbled White and Large Skipper in flower rich long grassed meadows here that day. The next day I saw Ringlet and Marbled White again in rich flower patches beside and at the back of the visitor centre with Small Tortoiseshell too, as well as on the walk Meadow Brown, Blue-tailed Damselfly, Black-tailed Skimmer and Emperor dragonfly on what turned into a hot and sunny lunch break at Lakeside. The next day Lakeside was teeming with Marbled Whites and Small Skippers with the sun in and out and I knew peak season was here in the grasses really amazing to see. I also saw Meadow Browns, a bee on our buddleia bush at home, Banded Demoiselle and many flowers again such as bee and pyramidal orchid that day. I enjoyed so many other great orchids so close to me at Lakeside this year too like southern marsh and common spotted which was great. On that Friday I realised a bit of an ambition this year of photographing butterflies mating again I’d not managed it with a macro lens for years but I was thrilled to see two Marbled Whites mating in the grassland near the woods in the south west of Lakeside by the path that takes you to the ford. It was a beautiful natural moment to witness and get so close to smashing stuff with Small Skipper and Meadow Brown seen well yet again too that day. The mating Marbled Whites one of my butterfly pictures of the year too. A lot of the experiences in June when I mentioned or posted a photo of them on Twitter I did so with the #30DaysWild hashtag. After taking part in the last two shorter festive additions around Christmas and New Year it was the first year ever I contributed to this iconic and inspiring Twitter hashtag that unifies people run by the Wildlife Trust and supported by many what with me really immersing myself in wildlife at least once every day thanks to working from home so I very much enjoyed that.

After this came my week off of work where I mentioned any notable butterfly or insect experiences in my next of these posts about it. I saw my first Silver-Washed Fritillary and Purple Hairstreak of the year at Bentley Wood, first White Admiral and Purple Emperors of the year at Knepp, first Lulworth Skippers of the year at Durlston, first Wall Brown and Gatekeeper of the year at Portland Bill and my first ever Stag beetle at Fishlake Meadows during that week. Thanks for bearing with me in this really long highlights blog one of my longest ever for sure, although I’m afraid the next one and my autumn one this year is longer! As I said at the top, my sixth of these posts on Wednesday is about what happened next in my butterfly, insect and flower year after the week off so do look out for that if you’re interested. In my bonus eleventh highlights post this year about my November and December I also wrote about topics covered in this blog.

[gay-yosuke]

alright its time for me to post about sonic now. nobody asked for this.

personally. i think that the decline of sonic games is. well. nonlinear of course but its a combination of a lot of things that have been present for a while. i started thinking about this because i had knight of the wind stuck in my head while i showered and i thought “yknow i dont think the storybook games were that bad” and it evolved from there. readmore’d cuz its a longass post

first off. one of the things that was present in the games people consider “bad” is eggman NOT being the primary antagonist. i mean. fundamentally this makes sense. eggman has always been the primary antagonist in the games since the beginning, so suddenly introducing these throwaway villains is kind of a shot in the foot. what comes to mind is sonic lost world and the zeti because its like. sega wants us so badly to care about zavok and the rest of them but its just kind of difficult when theyre from yknow. sonic lost world and, fundamentally, throwaway villains. now i thought about this because. sonic lost world ISNT objectively a bad game i dont think. it has bad parts and i think those bad parts are mostly linked to the zeti being the primary antagonists. now this isnt saying that any game with eggman as the primary antagonist is good (ill get to forces later) but it plays a part.

now i couldnt entirely tell you when “eggman ISNT the primary antagonist” first turned up. i would assume sonic adventure because of chaos? which funnily enough links into my next point. the introduction of a secondary antagonist who either a) becomes a primary antagonist in the same game or a later game they’re part of or b) is meant to be some kind of counter to sonic. you could say it started in sonic 3. since knuckles acts as a secondary antagonist for most of the game. funnily enough though hes actually one of the only that stops being an antagonist in the same damn game. hes like “wait a second ive been fucking tricked” and turns to sonic’s side after seeing eggman doing his bastardly actions. so i’d say it actually started in sonic cd with metal sonic. he’s a reoccurring antagonist (the good kind) and was made with the sole purpose of Beating Sonic. in sonic heroes he becomes a primary antagonist in the true ending and whatever. in sonic adventure there’s chaos who becomes the primary antagonist in the true ending as well. now again. none of these games are BAD because of this aspect. sonic 3 is good, as is cd, heroes, and i think sonic adventure has its moments. but again this is just another piece to the puzzle.

the next thing i think thats sort of added to the decline is the fact that. well. corporations. yknow how it is with game design. as a game design student i know that theres fucked up shit going on in a lot of places and sega wanted to make sonic like mario. nintendo knows they have brand loyalty, just like disney does. nintendo slaps mario or pikachu onto something and it’ll sell and they KNOW that. sonic, less so, because hes yknow. got Controversy. sparks arguments about good and bad games. im particularly thinking about sonic boom here because that game had such potential that was stripped away not only by corporate greed (it being forced to be published onto the wii u, which, ill be real with you, i forgot existed) and hardware limitations, but by a lack of commuication within the actual company about WHERE the game was being published to. also dont get me started on how sega shafted the storyline. thats for another day.

overarching plot in sonic games is kind of fun in my opinion. i like a story i can get invested in. one that makes sense and like. you know. adds to the game. and this is the part where i talk about sonic forces.

sonic forces is kind of the culmination of a lot of these things. its a pander to the audience who loves classic sonic (as in, putting classic there for no reason as a nudge towards sonic generations), it features a secondary antagonist who attempts to become a primary antagonist (infinite needs work) and like. objectively id say that the phantom ruby is a bigger antagonist than eggman is. all the things that he does is down to the phantom ruby, and i dont entirely know how the phantom ruby even like. started existing. but we’ll just skip over that for now.

so eggman has infinite who he powers up with the phantom ruby and he becomes the metal sonic-esque character of the game. he’s meant to be sonic’s direct counter which is shown with infinite beating sonic at the start. but infinite just kind of. exists. as a throwaway villain. and the thing with throwaway villains is that infinite creates clones of some other villains (zavok, shadow (????) chaos and metal sonic) and that kinda confused me like. okay so you create fake versions of all these villains who turned against you for various reasons and also metal sonic??? who you could just create again??? but im going on a tangent.

the one thing i listed that forces didnt really feature was eggman not being the primary antagonist. i liked that he was the primary antagonist in forces. i just wish the story was better. and now i get to talk about story problems in sonic games. and as a writer, youre not getting spared.

ive talked abt sonic forces and story. i havent talked about other games and their story. sonic 06′s story was weak because it was trying too hard. the storybook games were good because the story was THERE. sonic gets put into this position of being a character from myths and characters we already know are filling the other positions. it was fun. sonic lost world, i dont really know cuz i never played it but from what i understood, eggman took the zeti’s planet and controlled them with a magic conch, and then the conch gets broken and the zeti fight back?? i dont know why the zeti hate sonic or why they roboticized tails but whatever.

fundamentally. sonic games are go fast. stop eggman. platform. of course eggman can be substituted for other antagonists like in adventure’s case where it becomes stop chaos. everything else in it is adding to the story (or in a lot of cases where its trying too hard, it detracts from everything) and like. adding different things is kind of fun sometimes. people didnt like the clunky controls of the werehog but i thought it was fun having the differences between daytime and nighttime levels. i think werehog had potential.

its less related but i also kinda wish they did what they did in sonic x and had sonic exist in a world with a lot of anthro animal characters instead of humans. i think forces did that okay. a lot of games have human characters like 06 and adventure, and it kind of blurs things. it doesnt make it a bad game if theres human characters but its still kind of. weird.

but anyway this wasnt clear or concise at all i just had some thoughts. i thought some of the marketing for sonic forces was funny like the welcome to the eggman empire video so you dont have to take anything from me.

[readyplayerhobi]

Mulled Wine

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff

; Word Count: 2k

; Synopsis: Christmas is a time for happiness, joy and love. Your first Christmas with Hoseok isn’t spent with him, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to enjoy it without him.

; A/N: Just a little drabble I knocked up. I didn’t proof read it but...I just wanted some soft Hobi so...enjoy I guess? Please reblog and like if you enjoyed and let me know what you thought! I’m in a bit of a writing slump so...<3

-

The lingering scent of Christmas dinner enriches the air around you, letting your mind wander back to the delicious meal you’d eaten only an hour before. Your stomach is slightly tender and swollen from the extortionate amount of food you’ve eaten, but you refuse to feel guilty over it.

It’s Christmas...it’s the time to overindulge and eat enough food to make yourself thoroughly sick the next day.

And god dammit, your mom’s cooking was delicious. So you had savoured every bite from your plate, enjoying the burst of flavours that evoked memories of previous years with fondness. Plus, it was always lovely to have a meal that you hadn’t made yourself. Food always tastes better that way.

The lighting in the living room is low, the twinkling lights that adorn the tree glowed softly while those on the window reflect back against the darkness of the night outside. Christmas cards adorn the walls and mantlepiece while tasteful decorations are dotted around the room. 

From the kitchen, you can hear your parents talking quietly as they clean up the table and you feel a momentary pang of guilt at not helping them. But they’d ushered you out of the room quickly, ignoring your protests and you knew that you’d lost against them when they presented a united front like that. 

They didn’t want you to miss your call with Hoseok though, and you knew that it was partially because they wanted you to talk to him on Christmas but also because they were a little sad he hadn’t come over. Despite the fact you’d pointed out that he had his own family to visit and spend Christmas with.

Your parents were just a little bit in love with your boyfriend, which made you really happy. This was your first Christmas as a couple and your anniversary was fast approaching too, but they’d wanted to see him today as well. They’d even bought him a present, which you’d found absolutely heart melting.

But you knew Hoseok, and he would rather die than miss Christmas with his own parents. Especially his own mom. You’d sent him home with presents for his own parents this year; a beautiful handbag for his mom and a set of classic English literature for his dad.

Neither Hoseok nor you had given each other your presents yet. Both of you wanted to actually be with each other when you exchanged gifts, which made you a little antsy because you loved opening presents and were eager to see what your lovely boyfriend had got you.

He’d promised to call at 5pm, and your eyes flicker over to the clock on the wall without you meaning them to. How to Train Your Dragon plays on the large flat screen quietly to itself as you unlock your phone, finger automatically going to Twitter to see what the world was up to on this fine day.

You’ve only been scrolling for a few seconds when suddenly the screen disappears and you’re met with Hoseok’s blindingly beautiful grin as his called ID comes up. Immediately you accept the call and note that it’s a video call.

A whine leaves your mouth automatically as you pout, rolling onto your stomach as you lay the phone out in front of you. “Hobi...I look terrible! You just got a great shot of my double chins and...you look nice!”

Your attention is distracted halfway through, taking in your boyfriend’s wide smile that fills the screen. He looks beautiful, a collared black shirt button up with the top few left open while his dark hair has been styled artfully. Hoseok obviously put some effort into his family’s Christmas day and it makes your heart feel funny as you watch him. 

As your words get through to him, you watch with a smile of your own as pink tinges his cheeks and he looks down with a bashful expression. “I...thanks. And you look beautiful. I love your chin...both of them.”

Almost immediately your gasping dramatically, a hand to your chest while your jaw drops open before you laugh at the mischievous look on his face. But his teasing words make you feel warm and soft as you focus on the fact that he’s getting ever more comfortable with you. There had been a time that he would’ve stuttered and tripped over his those words before apologising in case he’d offended you.

“Have you had a good day? Eaten some good food? Opened your presents?” He chuckles at your bombardment of words, tongue licking his lips as he nods happily.

“Yeah, it’s been good. My sister and her husband are here so that’s been nice to see her and get to hang out a bit. My dinner was nice and I liked my presents. They got me that yellow Pikachu N64 I wanted!” He said excitedly, face brightening as he gushed about the retro gaming console enthusiastically. “I don’t know how they knew I wanted it but it’s so cool. Oh...they say thank you for their presents too. Dad already started reading one.”

You bite your lip as you watch the screen lovingly. You’d told them that he’d set his heart on that N64 to add into his console collection and had even found one for them to buy. Totally worth the time and effort given how boyishly happy he was about it. He seemed so much younger like this.

“I’m glad, and my parents liked your gifts too. And that’s so cool! We can play Mario Kart 64 against each other now, it’s the best one,” The words are sincere as he smirks, brow raised. “You know it’s true.”

“Oh yeah? Does that mean you’re still gonna lose?” He teases, giggling and causing the video to shake wildly. You make a sound of indignant protest.

“Excuse you. But I don’t lose. I just choose not to win. It’s boring winning all the time.” You pout, making sure to tilt your head to the side for extra effect as his loud laugh erupts from your phones speaker.

“I’d accept that if you’d actually won against me once. But you haven’t.” He points out through laughs, white teeth chewing on his lip in amusement. You sigh gently and point at the screen.

“I just like to see your face when you win. You get so happy.” Almost immediately, Hoseok’s face darkens as he flushes at the compliment. His eyes dart around, looking for his family to see if they were in earshot and you have to bite your lip hard to stop yourself from laughing.

He was truly adorable.

“Have you had a good Christmas?” Hoseok asks quietly, shifting position until he could lay his head against a sofa cushion and watch you through bright eyes, the screen of his phone reflecting through his glasses.

“Yeah, it’s been good. We only just finished eating really and my parents are cleaning up. I think we’re just going to watch films for the rest of the night, maybe play a board game. My dad’s got some new game he wants to try out so...we’re his willing guinea pigs.” You say quietly, resting your chin on your crossed arms.

Hoseok whines softly, lip pushing out. “I want to play board games.” 

It hadn’t taken long to discover that Hoseok and your father had a connection through the nerdiness of board games. Your dad held a monthly board game night and Hoseok had been invited to the last two, making acquaintances with other people who shared his passion.

You’d let him go alone at first, wanting him to get accustomed to these people without you and build up a rapport without having you to hide behind. He’d loved it, and become pretty close to your dad already. Your dad had very much taken Hoseok under his wing and you knew that he’d be pretty sad if you both broke up.

“Oh baby, we can play them when you come over tomorrow. I promise,” You hold up your pinky and bend it repeatedly, watching as he holds up his and repeats the gesture to you. “My parents got me some really nice presents this year. Mom got me this beautiful black peacoat and some leather boots, I can’t wait to wear them!”

Hoseok nods along at all the right points in the conversation as you continue talking, telling him all about what you’d received and how you’d spent your day while he reciprocates quietly. Your parents come through at one point, bending down to wave to him and being thoroughly amused by his shy response.

Despite being friendly with them both, he was still that sweet guy you’d met on your first day at Poppin’ Culture. You hoped that he never really changed, because you loved that Hoseok just as much as you loved the one you got to witness in private.

The conversation lulls and you blink tiredly, the post-food tiredness causing you to want to take a nap desperately. Lethargy runs through your veins and you suddenly wish that Hoseok was there with you, curled up next to you with his body heating your own and the comfortable weight of his arm around you.

“I miss you.” You tell him quietly, the words so soft and gentle that he almost has to strain to hear them. But when they register, you take in the beautiful sight of his tiny smile. Dimples appear in his cheeks and you reach out to gently poke at them on the screen.

“I miss you too. We’ll see each other tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you.” His face lights up slightly as he smiles, his head shifting slightly from its position as he lifts up his own hand to trace his screen. It makes your heart skip slightly and you feel very sappy suddenly.

Maybe it was the wine.

“I love you. You know that? I really love you. And I can’t wait to see you again.” He grins brightly at that, his cheeks tinging pink once more as he nods slowly, his eyes warm as he stares at you.

“I know. I love you too. Happy Christmas baby.” You murmur in response to him, your eyelids feeling heavier than ever and you try to fight it momentarily, not wanting to let your time with him go to waste. But the smells and sounds of Christmas combined with the sound of his quiet breathing through the phone and your food lethargy, lulling you into a sleep.

Hoseok watches you for a few more minutes, his eyes going glassy for a few seconds as he feels an overwhelming amount of love and affection for you as he looks over your sleeping face. It’s not an elegant picture; your mouth is open slightly and your cheek is squished against your arm, yet he can’t think of anyone more beautiful.

His heart squeezes tightly as he thinks over the past year, all the moments he’d experienced with you and the way he’d grown subtly in his relationship with you. He may sound like he was being particularly sappy, but he definitely felt like his life had changed when he’d met you.

You made him want to be a better version of himself; not only for you but for himself too. And he couldn’t ever thank you enough for that. Nor for all the love you give to him, overwhelming him sometimes when his depression hits and tells him he’s not worth it.

“I love you,” He breathes out, so quiet that no one could hear but the conviction behind the words is loud to him. Love was something he had always been wary off. Hoseok wasn’t an open person, and love opened him up to a potential for unbelievable pain.

But it also brought happiness, and he’d never been happier than with you. He hoped desperately that this would be the first Christmas that you would both share of many, because he was pretty sure that he could see the rest of his life with you.

[sapphicscholar]

Pride Month Prompts Day 15: Sleepover (Grace/Frankie)

From this Pride Month Prompts post! I’m taking the opportunity to write some short fics for a variety of pairings that I haven’t written for as much, maybe at all. They won’t be going on AO3, so I’ll be sure to tag them all with #pride month prompts so you can find them later if you want.

 Day 15: Sleepover

Pairing: Grace/Frankie

A/N: Set post-S5, so some spoilers as a heads up

Grace’s second sleepover is just as unexpected as her first one had been. Her first, a night of squatting in a home that had, until so recently, been hers, was filled with floor mattresses and squealing pigs and lukewarm vodka and secret sharing that Frankie had insisted was part of the quintessential sleepover experience. Her second comes after a teary beach confession. Her knees ache from the attempt at running across the sand to a woman she’d once sworn she’d never voluntarily spend a single minute with; a sense of betrayal and loss still hang heavy in the air between them; and the night is filled with chilled vodka and apologies and explanations Grace feels compelled to provide even though she’s made it a policy ever since starting her own business never to justify her personal choices to anyone but herself—and sometimes she doesn’t even like to think too hard on her own about her life choices.

The third sleepover doesn’t arrive until the night the divorce is finalized, even though Grace has slept in the beach house plenty of times since then. But on the day everything goes through, Frankie meets her with a joint and a pile of Brat Pack movies that neither of them really want to see but Frankie insists are slumber party classics. The mattresses are already set up in the living room, though this time there’s an extra pillow for Grace’s knee, and there’s enough electricity to go around without siphoning it off the neighbors’ grid. Frankie is considerate enough to pretend not to notice the small sob quickly stifled in Grace’s sleeve as they’re both falling asleep.

From then on, the sleepovers become a semi-regular occurrence almost every month, with Frankie insisting that Grace was deprived of a very important adolescent ritual. Grace finds herself becoming accustomed to a whole host of party games that she can sometimes admit are fun, particularly when they’re played with a martini in hand.

During the fourth sleepover, after vetoing Twister by reminding Frankie about their afternoon spent as floor people together, Grace plays Truth or Dare for the first time (everyone in college had insisted they were much too mature for it by then). Among other dares, Grace ends up drinking an awful concoction of the first three things Frankie puts her hands on in the fridge while blindfolded, and Frankie, in turn, experiences the joys of one of her first martinis, though she insists the olives are the only decent part of the whole thing. Grace talks more about her first kiss with a girl, while Frankie regales Grace with tales of her first time getting stoned. The game skids to an abrupt end when a rather tipsy Frankie—“How do you drink more than one of these? The whole world’s staring backwards at me, Grace!”—asks Grace to talk about her best sexual experience for a truth.

At sleepover number five, Frankie introduces Grace to the joys of prank phone calls. Frankie goes first to show her how it’s done, calling Bud and asking in a lower voice if his refrigerator is running. Only, while she’s giggling, he lets out a loud sigh: “We’ve all got caller ID these days, Mom. I’m going, alright?” After that, a google search reveals the magic of *67, then a long rabbit hole of all the other * extensions, and Grace, several martinis in, rolls her eyes but still gives in to Frankie’s pleading and manages a whole phone call to a San Diego bar asking if a Seymour Butts is there. Frankie tries Bud again when Coyote doesn’t answer, but Grace draws the line at her own daughters. She hasn’t told them about the sleepovers yet. She isn’t sure why, but she doesn’t want to share this…thing just yet. Like the handful of Say Yes nights, the sleepovers are something private. Something fun in a genuine way that stands so at odds with the kind of person Grace Hanson presents herself as to the rest of society. Something reserved for her and Frankie and no one else—them against the world.

Sleepover six is postponed by a week thanks to a family gathering, but Frankie makes up for lost time by coming down wholly prepared with tiny books and a handful of pens Grace recognizes as having gone missing from her purse and desk and bedside table over the past few weeks. They spend the night playing Mad Libs that Frankie delights in making as filthy as she can, cackling as Grace reads each half-nonsensical story back to her. She saves a particularly explicit one where scissoring had been her verb of choice because it had actually gotten a reaction out of Grace other than an eye roll or a deep sigh—though both of those had happened too. Grace is too distracted by Frankie’s cries of excitement to notice that Frankie cuts her off after two martinis. The night doesn’t seem any less fun for the loss.

It’s at their seventh sleepover that Grace learns the joys of MASH and homemade fortune tellers. She’s quite pleased to learn that George Clooney will be her next husband and listens patiently as Frankie explains that they’ll live in a mansion and drive a Jeep—“You’re gonna have to use a whole can of hairspray every ride. I’ll light a candle for the poor Earth.”—and somehow manage to have another two children. Grace furrows her brow in confusion when Frankie appears just as delighted to learn that Grace will be her wife, even though they’ll be living in a shack with a pet snake and no car. Frankie had shrugged off Grace’s confusion, ready with an answer for every question. “We’re basically married now.” (Grace doesn’t question why the thought makes her stomach swoop, not unlike the sensation of cresting up and over a steep hill too fast in her car.) “Can’t be worse than Walden Villas, and we got through that together.” “Better than those wild fuckers in Santa Fe. Everywhere you went: surprise snakes!” “Cars are bad for the Earth. I need to make up for all your hairspray, Grace!”

One night, Grace arrives home after dinner with Brianna and Mallory to find a note waiting on the kitchen table that says nothing more than: “In the studio. Come over when home.”

There’s also a text waiting for her: “Plz bring cheese curls. Thnx!”

When she gets out to the studio, a bag of cheese curls tucked under her arm and her phone clutched in her hand, she finds that the whole space has been taken over by pillows and mattresses and colorful, draped sheets and swaths of fabric that she’d only vaguely registered Frankie bringing home over the past few months. Some of them shimmer with gold and silver threads embedded in the fabric, and the smell of incense wafts through the air.

“It looks like an opium den in here,” Grace mutters to herself.

A moment later, Frankie’s head pops out from a side entrance. “Really? Oh good, I was worried I might have gone too mainstream and hit hipster coffee shop.”

“No, no, solidly opium den.”

“Come in?”

And it’s going to hurt her knees and probably muss her hair, and she’d only voluntarily done this for her own grandchildren one time before deciding it was enough for a lifetime, but Frankie has done this for her, Frankie is waiting in there for her, so Grace will go.

Inside, Frankie waits with two glasses of wine, only half-filled, and a small plate of snacks that are a step up from the typical junk food fare on these nights that Grace refuses to touch until she’s too distracted to keep all of her attention focused on calories and sugar and fat.

“Have extra time today?” Grace asks, casting a glance around at the ornate decorations.

“You don’t just miss the one-year anniversary of your first ever intentional, non-squatting slumber party, now do you?” It’s said in that tone of voice that suggests everything is fine and light and breezy, that nothing matters more or less than anything else, which so easily slides into the idea that nothing matters to Frankie at all, but Grace catches the sense of sincerity lurking in the background. Some old memory pulls at the back of her mind—something about grand gestures and how important they were, something about their uses…

After a few minutes and a few false starts with Frankie attempting to ask something only to trail down on those long, winding tangents that lead her back to where she began only about half of the time, Frankie finally proposes that they play a good game of Truth or Dare.

It takes three rounds for Grace to choose dare, and Frankie takes a deep breath when she does. “I dare you to dare me to ask you something important next round.”

Grace may not have ever played the game before Frankie, but she’s fairly certain that isn’t how the rules work. Still, she nods anyway. It’s better not to disagree with Frankie, even when she does things like insisting that the entire phrase, “got to scissoring,” should count as a past tense verb for Mad Libs. So she asks Frankie, “Truth or dare?” and isn’t the least bit surprised when Frankie answers, “Dare.”

Frankie sits in silence, looking expectantly back at Grace.

“What?”

“Don’t you have something to dare me?”

Grace fixes Frankie with a disbelieving look, one eyebrow arched and her lips slightly pursed. “You already know what it is.”

“You have to dare me, though. Otherwise we might as well be playing the mind-reading game, and you know I’m always up to try it, but you never seem to be thinking about any of the things that I can see.”

“That’s because you always guess Del Taco burritos, martinis, and vibrators!” Just because two of those are true more often than she’d like them to be doesn’t make it a great guess.

“Grace,” Frankie nearly whines. “Are you going to dare me?”

“Fine.” Grace holds up her hands, trying to preempt an explanation about the ethics of accepting a dare and then reneging on the dared action. “I dare you to ask me something important.”

Frankie clasps her hands together in her lap, twisting at a chunky ring adorning her middle finger. “We’ve gone through a lot of shit together these past few years. And at our first ever sleepover, you asked me if I wanted to do something. I said no because, you know, we’re Grace and Frankie!” Grace nods along because she thinks she gets it, gets what it means to go from being Grace and Robert, and Frankie and Sol, to Grace and Frankie, and fuck Robert and Sol. “I squatted you until we were best friends, and now we have our thing. That thing where we get our house back and fight the bureaucratic machine that is the post office and make vibrators for people like us.”

“Okay.”

“But I can’t stop thinking about…that other thing. That thing that might make Grace and Frankie a different kind of thing. Well, we could still be amateur sleuths and fight the system and sell vibrators because how could we give any of that up when there are still so many Harriets out there that need us? Did you know—”

“Frankie!”

“Right. Anyway, if you don’t believe me that I’ve been thinking about it, I’ve got a whole bunch of paintings that aren’t as abstract as they should have been for Coyote’s last visit.” She gestures with her thumb somewhere behind her, which Grace has learned over years spent looking for ringing phones and TV remotes and bags of cheese curls doesn’t actually mean directly behind her but instead anywhere that isn’t directly in front of her. “So I thought maybe I could try asking myself. Eh, well, not quite, but Grace Hanson, do you want to kiss me? No joking or pranks or take-backsies. Just…just me asking.”

Grace blinks. Pauses. Doesn’t wait long enough to parse through why it was that her heart and body screamed yes before her head had registered the implications of the question. For once, she lets herself act on an impulse that she suspects won’t be anything like the destructive ones born of too many drinks and not enough food. She leans forward, finds Frankie meeting her halfway. Her lips are a little chapped, though her mouth blessedly does not yet taste like cheese curl dust, and the first few seconds are clumsy as they try to figure out angles and noses and long hair that seems to find its way between their lips again and again. But even still, before they’ve found their rhythm, Grace knows without a doubt that it’s the best first kiss she’s ever had. She doesn’t pull back until they’ve gotten the hang of things well enough that her breathing is shallow and fast.

Frankie beams up at her—wide and unconcerned and exultant. “I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about the snake on that last MASH game, but maybe—and hear me out on this one—have you considered chickens?”

[ahnsael]

@kjuw89 replied to your photo: “Isn’t she beautiful?”:

Crowds look light ��

They’re not bad. I was surprised to see 15 minutes for Pirates. On the Disney Parks App it then said that HyperSpace Mountain had a 20 minute wait, but it had just returned to 104 status after going 101 (for you non-cast members, that means it was working again after having broken down), and by the time I got there from Big Thunder it was up to 55 minutes and no Single Rider Line. I got a FastPass for 9:10-10:10pm, but then gave that up for a Small World FastPass that would be valid by the time I walked from Galaxy’s Edge instead when I decided I didn’t have the energy to stay that late today.

The highest I saw Smuggler’s Run was also 55 minutes, and that and HyperSpace Mountain were the two longest waits in the park. It was warm today (even though I heard people complaining about how cold it was when I left -- it was predicted to be in the mid-60s at the time, so I’m guessing they’re SoCal people -- we’re already down to the 30s at night back home, which is probably why I found a scorpion in our garage yesterday; it’s still warm enough during the day, but it’s cold at night and our garage is still warm -- also I used my blacklight that I use for IDs and large bills at work and saw that the thing about them glowing green under black light is true), but when i walked by Splash Mountain on the way to the Hungry Bear and then Galaxy’s Edge, the wait was only 30 minutes.

I forgot to mention Star Tours and the Jedi Thingy in the Captain EO theater on my list of things I did today, too. I walked in to Star Tours and waited less than 5 minutes on Standby. It was weird to see that the Star Trader is pretty much all Star Wars merch now (it used to just be the small part by the Star Tours exit into the gift shop). There was also a huge selection of Star Wars pins on Main Street in the music store (which is now mostly a pin store). So much Star Wars in areas of the park other than the Star Wars par!I

I also happened to time the Jedi thing just right after finding out the Space Mountain wasn’t doing single rider but hearing the announcement that the doors to the theater were opening.

I was one of literally three people in the theater, and I was really only there to sit in the old seats and pretend I was watching Captain EO. The cast member didn’t even bother with the microphone; he just stood in front of us and did his spiel “in person” to us.

I wasn’t exactly wowed by Smuggler’s Run. I was told to watch for flashing buttons and push them (I was an engineer, the last row), and I was focused on that for the first part of the ride until I realized that the bright green flashes were enough to get my attention if I wasn’t looking.

The down side: Without spoiling the story, there were two times I was supposed to press something specific (and two other times to hit a couple other things -- there wasn’t a lot of interactivity for the engineer position). The first time I pressed the button and it had the desired effect; the second time, I pressed it, but it stayed lit, and Hondo kept yelling at me to press it, no matter how many times I pressed it. I could see the other Engineer (another single rider) having the same issue at the same time.

The lady who grouped us asked me whether I was a rebel or part of the Empire, and I told her honestly, “I don’t know, I just walked into Galaxy’s Edge and came here.” And since I was a single rider, I don’t think anything would have been “remembered” for me anyway as they advertised when the land opened.

Another issue was the Play Disney Parks app.When I first opened it, I allowed location services only while the app is open...turns out you can’t get “achievements”  unless they’re always on (any time you turn the phone screen off, the app starts from scratch when you reopen it). And for the life of me, I couldn’t find a way to go back and change my preferences. Maybe it’s outside the app in the phone’s app settings.

Oh, and they still have the typo on the sign at the entrance to the Haunted Mansion display in the Opera House on Main Street. It still says “Kindly step all the way in to the explore eerie evolution of the Haunted Mansion’s design” instead of “Kindly step all the way in to explore the eerie evolution of the Haunted Mansion’s design” (emphasis mine -- I tried posting it earlier from the Opera House, but Disneyland’s wifi keeps going in and out and if you thought I posted a lot today, just imagine if half of them hadn’t failed due to a lost connection!). That typo has been there for months, I believe. Disney has its own sign shop. It’s an easy fix. They just haven’t done it. Has nobody actually told them? Would I be a jerk to mention it?

The only other thing that I was disappointed in was that when I got dinner at the Hungry Bear, the cashier asked whether I wanted fries, slaw, or onion rings. I chose the rings.

And then when I got my receipt, I noticed that I was charged an extra 50¢ for that choice, then saw on the menu that it said “includes fries or slaw” (onion rings appeared nowhere on the menu, even as a side dish). Seemed a dirty trick to not mention the upcharge when offering it. It is, at the very least, a sneaky upcharge

But...let’s be honest, if she had said “would you like fries or slaw, which are included, or would you like to substitute onion rings for 50¢ more?” I still would have chosen the onion rings. It’s not a ridiculous upcharge, I just think it should be mentioned at the time.

But overall, it’s been so long that things that used to drive me up a wall were...pretty much okay today.

When I was in line for Pirates, there was a lady ahead of me with a young (2 or 3 years old I think) daughter, and she was having a heck of a time keeping her daughter from wandering off, or bumping into those of us around her, etc. That used to drive me crazy.

And maybe it’s because I’m an uncle now and understand the struggle better, but...all I could think was “Hey, at least she’s trying. Besides, what kid DOESN’T do these things?”

I was more bummed about the group who tried to sneak past me in the FastPass line of Big Thunder (the cast member at the merge point saw this and made them wait until I was ahead of them, bless him), the people behind me in line for Pirates who were old enough to understand the concept of personal space but still kept walking into me, and the family in front of me waiting at the FastPass merge point at Small World who kept giving their 1-2 year old daughter an empty Coke bottle, just for her to throw it down again -- one of those times at my head (and instead of stopping giving it to her to throw, tried to tell her to throw it in another direction without so much as a “sorry ‘bout that”). But to the cast member’s credit, the one watching the merge point -- while not showing perturbation at the situation (her Disney smile game was strong), when she let us in she sent that family to one line and the rest of us around them to another line, and gave a brief but noticeable (to me) look of “I got you, fam.”

I had all these plans for what the first thing I was going to do was when I got there. The thing I did was the thing I didn’t plan, but I’m okay with it...I wandered some of the shops on Main Street. Partly, I was looking for a hat, since I didn’t bring one (I brought sunscreen, but...getting sunburned, then shaving my head, can result in “hairless dandruff” -- the peeling skin just being made to look awful by a razor passing over it). I may buy this one tomorrow:

Overall, though, I wasn’t a big fan of the hat selections available.

But I went into the Magic Shop (take that, Magic Kingdom, Disneyland still has a Magic Shop) wanting to buy a Hot Rod. I found it on the shelf right as the cast member started asking if he could help me with anything. I told him that the Hot Rod was the first magic trick I ever bought in that store as a kid and the first “real” magic trick I ever learned (this is true), and he said “And it’s still a great classic trick.” (If you want a cast member who knows every last bit of their merchandise, experience over the last 30+ years tells me this is the store you want to be in.)

I bought it (I have a guest at my casino that it’s going to blow away, even though it’s one of the easiest tricks to perform).

There’s a sculpture (probably about 6-7″ tall) of Peter Pan riding Peter Pan’s Flight that’s surprisingly only $55, and I may get that too. There was a great lithograph of the organist in the Haunted Mansion for $40...the problem with wall art is that for everything I put up, depending on the size, I have to choose one or two attraction posters to take down.

There’s probably more that I’m going to have to choose between (or order online later since they’re on shopdisney), and part of me is worried that, since I would do Package Pickup rather than carry the things (other than the hat) around all day, I might forget to actually pick them up on the way out. I could have them shipped, but I don’t know how much that would cost.

Today was more or less my test run -- if I was so exhausted by the end that the walk back to the hotel was a pain, I was going to pay the $25 parking fee and drive in tomorrow. But even after all that time awake, the walk takes less than a half hour. And once I crossed Harbor and then Disney Way and started walking down Disney Way, there was only one other pedestrian with me (it was a madhouse from the exit to that point -- I was far from the only one leaving early, but even though I never understood leaving early when I was younger and had more energy...I get it, especially for people with multi-day passes).

I wore a PeopleMover T-shirt, and one of the cast members at Hungry Bear complimented me on it, so that was good (I thought about wearing my T-shirt of an anthropomorphic Pluto walking a non-anthropomorphic Goofy, but decided I didn’t want a bunch of kids asking their parents questions about it; when I left work this morning I chose an understated WED Enterprises T-shirt, but even with my A/C on for the whole drive down, I was a sweaty mess when I got here and I wasn��t going to subject people to that).

My shirt choices for tomorrow: the aforementioned Pluto/Goofy shirt, a shirt that is a parody of “The Jerk” movie poster but with Goofy taking Steve Martin’s place and the title changed to “The Goof,” or a Captain R3X T-shirt.

Honestly, it’s probably between “The Goof” and Captain R3X. The other one might freak people out more than I would like.

Oh, and I have to look into Oga’s Cantina. Earlier I saw a reservation available for tomorrow evening, but...when it asked me to authorize a credit card guarantee, I wasn’t sure what I was agreeing to (I know they charge you if you don’t show up, but...how much? And am I just guaranteeing being able to go in and have a drink and enjoy the ambiance, or am I required to buy a certain dollar amount of things, like the $200 you’re committing to when you reserve building a light saber or a droid?).

Speaking of which, I saw a LOT of people, in my 3½ hours there today, carrying around “custom droid” boxes.

Not that I’m surprised a lot of people are getting them, I’m just surprised they’re not having them held for package pick-up at the end of the day, choosing instead to carry them around.

The things I did learn today: I do NOT miss driving in Southern California. You know you’ve reached Southern California when the left lane is street racers holding racers through heavy traffic, when people are diving from lane to lane to try and find the fastest way to their destination, when people randomly slow down to 10 below the limit, then accelerate to 10 over when you try to go around them, and just the general feeling of claustrophobia of being in a sea of so many bad drivers that you have to scan them all to try to anticipate what stupid thing they’re going to do next so you can react before they do it because if you wait for it to happen, it’s gonna be too late.

I also learned that driving down on Highway 395 sucks. For more than half the time, it’s one lane in either direction (passing lanes are few and far between, and in the daylight there’s that “is that the water-mirage effect, or a semi coming? I have a dotted line and I can legally pass, but I literally have no idea whether it’s safe to do so and I am NOT dying on the way to Disneyland). And there is a TON of road construction (a good 25 miles is one lane TOTAL, with them alternating directions in that one lane).The whole area around Victorville is a complete mess. At the intersections (of which there are many), they open up to two lanes for the last couple hundred feet prior to the intersection, just to go back to one lane afterwards. Which means that a LOT of people who have been frustrated for 100 miles or more about their inability to pass are trying everything they can to cheat the system and get ahead somehow before the road goes back to one lane.

Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of jerk drivers in northern Nevada. But traffic is sparse enough that I see, at most, five jerks a day. Most nights it’s just one, some nights none (the advantage of working graveyard is there aren’t a lot of people on the road, and we’re a small enough town that even “rush hour” means going 15 in a 25 zone at worst). But in SoCal, there are so many selfish drivers that it just...wow. It’s a lot to deal with when I haven’t dealt with it in so long (and since I’ve never driven south from the 395 to the 15 to the 60 to the 57 before, so it was all new road to me -- this was literally my first time traveling more than 3 miles south on 395 since I moved to Nevada, and that’s the highway my casino is on). The claustrophobia, when I knew I had no possible out if anything happened, was scaring me.

It’s great to be back. I mean, I’m home at Disneyland. It’s also going to be great to leave and get back to a small town in rural Nevada.

Oh, but I may be meeting up with disfan tomorrow. He hasn’t posted in almost a year here (hence why I’m not tagging him), but I met him in person six years ago at my third most recent trip (this current one being the most recent, then going with an old friend in 2015 where I didn’t see disfan then that third-most recent one in 2013), and it would be great to see him again. I’m still in touch with him from time to time, and when I thought I had a date he offered to do something to help make it special, and while the date thing didn’t work out (I got a text from her while I was on the road saying that she was “getting ready” but nothing since then, even tonight when she knows for sure she missed the boat to It’s a Small World -- I waited 30 minutes longer than I wanted to to leave in case she showed -- though I showed up just about 30 minutes after check-in time so it wasn’t too bad, since a review of my hotel on Travelocity said they charge extra for early check-in even if the room is ready and I don’t know if that would apply if I had missed some traffic and arrived 15 minutes early -- but her text was after I had already given up on her and gotten on the road -- her text was in reply to one I sent at the time we were supposed to meet asking if she was on her way, her reply came over 20 minutes later that she was “getting ready” but since I was driving I didn’t see that until I got here because I’ve learned no to do other things and drive), disfan was a gem. So...I hope I do get to see him tomorrow.

And if any of you Disneyland people who I know on here happen to be going to the parks Tuesday, send me an ask (I’m mostly mobile, though I am on a laptop at the moment, so an ask should show up on my notifications...but maybe to play it safe, add an X to the end of my tumblr name and make it gmail and get in touch with me that way.

I really do enjoy doing the park on my own (which is probably why I didn’t call her instead of text her when she wasn’t there -- plus there was some drama the morning before involving her roommate and I’m worried that may be a regular thing, so I might have self-sabotaged this “date” a little bit by not trying harder than I normally would with someone who I genuinely do like). But I also like doing the park with friends, and if we’re mutuals here we’re already friends (or if you follow me and I don’t follow you and you want to show me that we could be friends that works too), send an email.

I’ll be in the park most of the day (I can’t promise I’m gonna rope-drop it, because my Wednesday/Thursday is gonna be a LONG day driving home and getting there just about in time to shower and get ready for work, then I have a 9am meeting on Thursday, so I’ll have been up since whenever I get up and check out on Wednesday to get back up to Nevada for work), but I’m staying at least through the Electrical Parade. I don’t care about a projection-only show instead of fireworks, and there’s no Fantasmic!, but...the Electrical Parade will be good memories.

Oh, and Laughing Stock, Co. was listed in the times guide that I picked up today (as a “Fri-Sat” thing, no mention that those were their last shows; they’re gone now).

Anyway, my phone (barely) made it the 3½ hours tonight (and that included a live broadcast on Facebook of my ride on Small World from the front row -- which Facebook says they’ve “partially muted” due to the use of copyrighted music, but the song “It’s a Small World” was never copyrighted -- it was written for UNICEF, copyright-free, as a gift to the children of the world.

Oh, and when I rode Small World, they were grouping two boats at once on the same side (that’s “bote” to you, Ian...unless only “botes” with names like Irrawaddy Lady qualify for that title). But as I was the first grouped into the second boat, and the cast member just said “row 1″ which put me with two other people (that row can comfortable fit three), I waited until he was done grouping and then asked whether I was in the boat with the two other people, or waiting for the next boat.

Hey, I was ODV. I can make you a great churro or box of popcorn (I really need to get some popcorn tomorrow -- a Disneyland trip isn’t complete without it), but I don’t know a thing about balancing boats.

At first, he just said “You’re in the second boat.”

And then, after a few seconds, he said “The only way you’d be in their row with them is if you were in their party.”

And...I got it. They were both ladies (one young, one older), and he was saying “we’re not going to put some strange guy in there sitting next to them.”

The only response I had was “that’s probably for the best.” Because he was looking out for his lady guests by not putting some strange guy next to them.

I mean, I know I’m not a danger to anyone with whom I may ride It’s a Small World, but he doesn’t know that. And he acted accordingly, and I dig that. Plus, it gave me a chance to balance y phone on the front lap bar (since I was the only one in the front row on my boat).

Must-dos for tomorrow:

HyperSpace Mountain

The Jungle Cruise

Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye (single rider, hopefully -- I’ve already translated everything in the queue)..

Peter Pan’s Flight (but probably only if I can book a FastPass)

Waiting in the Standby Line for Smuggler’s Run(I hear the queue is amazing, but the single-rider queue is just a series of hallways and stairs).

Haunted Mansion Holiday (even though Jack should have his own darned attraction by now and leave the Haunted Mansion alone).

Splash Mountain (maybe last? I have a bad habit of being placed in Row 1 and I tend to make the front end heavy and the splashes are huge -- especially for me, and I’m gonna have my cell phone on me)

A grand circle tour on the Disneyland RR

Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room (this was what I thought I would do first today, but I worried about staying awake...last time I saw the show was the abbreviated version at Walt Disney World so it will be nice to see it in full again).

The Submarine Voyage with Finding Nemo (I had no interest in that but I’ve seen a thing on how they did it that I want to check out, but also part of it is still underwater so I want to try it).

The Sleeping Beauty Castle walkthough

The PeopleMover (that one’s not gonna happen it’s been gone for over 20 years and I am NOT risking a lifetime ban to go up and try to walk the track that is still there)

Matterhorn Bobsleds

All Fantasyland dark rides

Meet a nice lady and invite her to dinner at some place not Blue Bayou, since that’s booked, but maybe somewhere nicer than the corn dog cart (just kidding -- I couldn’t even get a seemingly nice lady to join me for a trip to Disneyland, even though I had one day’s cost covered through a friend and was willing to foot the bill for the other and I had made it clear that the room I booked had two beds [which it does] and that “things” would not happen UNLESS SHE WANTED AND INITIATED IT [I PROMISE I’M NOT BITTER about her not showing AS I SAID I MAY HAVE SELF-SABOTAGED THAT BY NOT TRYING HARDER TO GET TO TO COME WITH ME WHEN SHE DIDN’T RESPOND TO MY LAST MINUTE TEXT but the concept of dating as daunting; forgive the self-pity but I’d actually have to be worth it for a date to happen and I’m wasn’t worth it to her).

Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room (I’m back to “things I must do now)

Dole Whip

Maybe the lobster roll from Harbour Galley?

Popcorn

Maybe stopping my rambling for a minute (y’all know that isn’t gonna happen -- if you didn’t see it, it’s because Disney’s wifi crapped out again and I thought I posted it but it never posted).

But seriously, if any of y’all are there and want to meet, I would throw out every one of these to spend time with you (I’m so lonely!).

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[zerochanges]

Valentine’s Chocolates and Glass Masks

The romance genre in anime is a little weird, and honestly on the whole the majority of the genre in anime is probably a bit too slow for its own good. “Will they or won’t they” is something most romantic fiction is guilty of, but I think you’d be hard press to come across 150 episode TV series dedicated solely to that premise anywhere else. And this has nothing on the pure silliness that can come with the genre; hand holding, indirect kisses, masked secret admirers, all that good stuff. Really, I’m not here to trash talk romantic anime though, but as I sat down and tried to think about writing a Valentine's Day blog post I just couldn't help but think to myself how romance anime might be the hardest to explain to anyone not in the fandom. I mean, I think I’d have an easier time explaining the plot of any given saga in DBZ than I would explaining “Notice me, senpai” to somebody.

You know what though, I kind of ironically enjoy all of this. Yeah, pure romance anime can be cheesy, but it’s just the right amount cheese that it’s like, c’mon, how can you not enjoy this? Perhaps the worst (or best!) offender of this are older shoujo titles where they can seem almost downright like a soap opera at times. Shows like these are just so full of bizarre, off-the-walls, and over-the-top melodrama that they manage to suck me completely in. They’re heartbreaking, they’re engaging, and the times when they fail at being those things they are hilarious. 

My most recent experience with an older shoujo title like this would have to be studio Eiken’s 1984 adaptation of Glass Mask. Now Glass Mask (or Glass no Kamen as it is known by some) is a manga that started life in 1976 and to this day has yet to be finished, with the manga creator Suzue Miuchi stating she would like to finish it soon, but hasn't quite figured out when that will be (move over Hunter x Hunter fans). Having been one of the earlier shoujo titles starting back in the mid-70’s the series is full to the brim with pretty much every cliche and trope you can think of for shoujo anime, and to a modern audience it can often be almost hilarious at times to sit through. It is important to remember that for its time Glass Mask was a trend-setter and arguably if not the creator than certainly the reason why a lot of these cliches became cliches in the first place. Over the years Glass Mask has received its fair share of adaptations and even parodies, and currently has 3 different animes as well as a live action drama series and real life stage plays based on it. I heard the most recent anime, the 2005 TMS adaptation of Glass Mask, does a pretty great job at modernizing several aspects of the series, but unfortunately I have yet to watch that to weigh in so all I can say is that I was inundated with more cliches than I could count and laughed a ton while watching the 1984 series and I loved every minute of it. 

Glass Mask is the story of a young 13 year old girl Maya Kitajima, who has a dream to be a great theatre actress. Unfortunately for Maya she’s from a very poor family, and even more unfortunately for her, she is incredibly average looking with no flair--and don’t worry, the anime will remind you of that fact countless times every episode. Despite her damnable curse of “just looking kind of average” Maya will stop at nothing to pursue her dream and eventually runs away from home after getting a scholarship for an acting school. There, the enigmatic Chigusa Tsukikage notices Maya’s talents and takes her on as her protege. Soon, Maya learns that her mentor Tsukikage was once a legendary actress thought to be truly one of the all time greats who due to a tragic Phantom of the Opera style accident had her face hideously scarred and retreated out of the spotlight. 

Tsukikage is looking to pass on her talents to the future generation and eventually pass on her greatest possession, the rights to the elusive Crimson Goddess play--a supposed legendary masterpiece that has not been seen by anyone in decades; not since Tsukikage’s career ruining accident. For some reason the director and creator of the the Crimson Goddess play saw it fit to beseech all the rights to his masterpiece to Tsukikage and thus nobody else has been able to produce this elusive phantom play since. It won’t be easy for Maya and the Tsukikage acting school, as media conglomerate and mega corporation Daito Entertainment will stop at nothing to get the rights to the Crimson Goddess, and isn't afraid to sabotage them at every step of the way. Perhaps Maya’s greatest rival however is the young Ayumi Himekawa, the daughter of an already famous actress who is said to be the favorite to inherit the Crimson Goddess role, and is everything Maya isn't; beautiful, rich, famous and well loved by all, and while not a student of Tsukikage she is more than willing to pass on the rights to Himekawa if Maya fails to prove herself.

It’s easy to already see the cheesiness just from me trying my best to summarize the basic plot, and we haven’t even gotten into the romances yet. Maya’s relationship with the young Yu Sakurakoji is fairly simple at first, as he helped rescue her from a feral dog and despite being in rival acting schools--one affiliated under Daito no less, he’s a pretty chill guy that enjoys spending time with her and doesn't care about all that stuff. It’s only after Maya starts to take off in her career that Sakurakoji starts to spiral into this insane inferiority complex centered around her, where he thinks she has become too good an actress for him to be around anymore and starts to give her the cold shoulder all because of his own make-believe shortcomings. It’s very odd and sudden, and the entire thing is blown out of proportions as Maya clearly does not think that and Sakurakoji eventually has to be lectured by bad boy Masumi of all people to come around and start spending time with Maya again. Even after this however it isn't like the old days anymore and the gap that was created from his own complex still lingers.

And oh boy, don’t get me started on Masumi, he’s quite the character. Masumi Hayami is the 24 year old son of the president of Daito Entertainment and is currently running the corporation in his father’s stead. Masumi serves as both an antagonist and love interest (because of course he can be both) in the early parts of the story and is often behind some (but not all) the sabotage done to Tsukikage’s acting school. Masumi will eventually take a more reasonable approach when it comes to trying to yank the rights of the Crimson Goddess away from Tsukikage’s hands as the anime progresses, often just by having his acting school beating Tsukikage’s students in contest and the like, and it’s here where we usually see Masumi’s employees that work under him being the more underhanded characters instead of Masumi directly engaging in the conflict.

Despite being on different sides, so to speak, Masumi catches one of Maya’s earliest performances, her role as Beth in Little Women, and falls in love with the young girl, impressed by both her potential as an actress and her fortitude for going on with the show despite suffering from a dangerously high fever and immediately being rushed to the doctors after the curtains fall. From this point on her takes the role of “Mr Purple Rose” named for the bouquet of purple roses he sends to her at every show. As her secret admirer and the first fan Maya has ever had he means a lot to her yet as his true identity of Masumi he’s an enemy that Maya cannot stand to breathe the same air as. So in short, Masumi is just your average 24 year old CEO of a mega corporation crushing on a 13 year old girl from a small acting school he is trying to ruin and also her secret admirer. Somehow Masumi is one of the best characters in the series, and is my best boy. Only in shoujo!

So far I've been having some cheap laughs at the expense of the 1984 Glass Mask anime but it’s not all like this. The over-the-top bombardment of old school shoujo cliches and the laughs I got from them may be one of the most memorable component of my viewing but there’s actually a lot more to this anime than that. When you get beyond the silly age gap romances and the flowery melodrama of young teenage love, Glass Mask is a story of artists trying to pursue their passions and dedicating their everything to them. Maya may be cursed to forever be “only average looking” but I really respect her drive to dedicate her entire life to theatre. 

Well, that is to say, the times when she isn't acting like punching bag to the rest of the cast (Glass Mask has a tendency to make Maya into a Cinderella surrounded by tons of wicked stepsisters). When Maya is written not as a Cinderella she’s fiercely determined, and never backs down despite some straight-up abusive behavior she is put through. At times her mentor Tsukikage is absolutely savage, regularly beating Maya and putting her through some training that is definitely highly illegal, at least for today’s standards. For instance she once threw Maya in a shed and locked the door refusing to let her out until she finally understood her character she was assigned. Did I mention it was in the middle of the freezing cold winter and snowing out and Maya only had the clothes on her back for warmth? She was out there for days with no food, water, or even warmth. But don’t worry, she had her script to read and that made it all okay. Like goddamn, somebody call child protective services on this lady.

Speaking about “the art” and everyone’s passions, the more you watch the series the more it becomes obvious that the creator, Suzue Miuchi, really cares for theatre and isn't just using it as a vehicle to propel her own story. There are countless renditions of classic plays shown in Glass Mask, such as the mentioned already Little Women, The Miracle Worker, and Wuthering Heights, just to name a few. Some of these plays are presented without any changes while others may have reinterpretations made to them by the characters who are trying to give their roles a life of their own away from the original source material. Miuchi very much understands theatre and does a great job converting many famous plays into a more compressed and easily digestible form of entertainment that can be viewed on a week by week bases. The analysis characters give about the plays and other characters’ performances, the ways characters interpret their parts, and how the plays that we are privy to see in the series end up all show a deeper understanding of the medium. Watching Glass Mask is almost like taking a beginning course in theatre that covers all the classics, only with way more melodrama and over-the-top romance than you will find in your local theatre group. I hope.

What’s the most impressive however goes beyond just Miuchi’s renditions of other classic works and instead are her own plays that she creates herself. As not only does Glass Mask use pre-existing plays it also has its own original productions that will spring up in-between the real world plays. A lot of these self created plays are very enjoyable too, and some feel way more fleshed out than they have any right to be and you often find yourself regretting that you are only privy to a small part of the performance and not able to just sit there and watch the entire play like the characters in the anime do. Maybe that’s why it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that some of the plays Miuchi has created for her manga have later been adapted into real life plays in Japanese theatres. This is probably the greatest testament to the series’ popularity right there, where its own fictional works are turned real. I can’t think of many examples of something like that happening before.

I’d be remiss not to mention the visual aspect of this series before wrapping up my thoughts on it too. While certainly no powerhouse in animation, Glass Mask 1984 goes for a more picturesque route, and does a great job with tons of beautiful still shots and intricately detailed background images. It’s a humble production but with the right use of lighting a lot of scenes can really shine (pardon the terrible pun it was an accident), especially the night shots which can be pure art. Hang it in a museum, I say. I’m almost surprised we don’t see more “aesthetic” anime blogs mining images from this series. Veteran director Gisaburo Sugii (Dororo, Touch, Osamu Tezuka’s Phoenix) leads the production with skilled marksmanship you would expect from his previous (and future) pedigree, and along with legendary animator the late Shingo Araki (Ashita no Joe, Galaxy Express 999, Saint Seiya) the series has a wonderful 80’s flair to it that just fills any retro anime fan full of nostalgia whether or not they have seen the show before.

Studio Eiken’s 1984 Glass Mask adaptation is a short, briskly paced 22 episode series that is easy on the eyes and not hard at all to still sit through for modern audiences. It’s full of tons of laughs (both ironic and sincere) as well as tons of melodrama and over-the-top romance. Most importantly though, it’s a full of passion; lots and lots of passion. During its short episode count the series watches Maya progress as an actress and grow older, with her finishing middle school and beginning high school while also balancing full time acting jobs on the side. The ending is left open--and let’s face it the manga hasn't even ended some 35 years later still--but there’s enough forward momentum in the series to really feel like your time with the characters wasn't wasted and that they were able to accomplish something--not to mention the ending spot is a pretty decent one leaving the viewer wanting more but enjoying a satisfying conclusion to one of the more interesting story arcs adapted. Overall I think anyone who enjoys cheesy anime romance can sit down with this series and have a fun Valentine’s.

[sawthefaeriequeen]

Top Ten Books Read In 2018

1) The Last Summer of the Death Warriors by Francisco X. Stork

I picked this up at a book fair, read the summary, and figured I'd surprise myself with this author I'd never heard of before. It's about the friendship between DQ, a guy with terminal cancer dealing with his complicated feelings for his estranged-but-conciliatory family, and Pancho, a guy who's biding his time until he can get revenge on the person who's killed one of his family members. I like that both boys are raw and real and people—Pancho obviously has messed up emotions, but DQ can be plenty bitter and angry too: he's not an Inspirational Cancer Patient stereotype.

2) The Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope

Girl moves into her uncle's old ancestral house sometime during the 18th century and gets immersed into the past lives and loves of the ghosts that thrived there during the days of the Revolutionary War, their paths often crossing each other's. I swear I have never seen more delightful ghost characters in my entire life.

3) The Unbound by V.E. Schwab

So by the time I'd picked this up, I was having mixed feelings about V.E. Schwab – on one hand, she'd always written worlds that engage me almost instantly with their creativity. On the other hand, I'd just recently been horribly disappointed by the ending to what's been her most popular series so far: I thought her final Shades of Magic book did a most spectacular job on dropping the balls on everything good about it. Up to reading it, I'd thought the author's hype was deserved. But after, well…

So when I picked this up, it was with much trepidation. I'd loved the previous book, The Archived: the big old house setting, the grim closed-off girl/sweet sunny boy dynamic the lonesome warrior setup, all were like catnip to my id. I didn't want it ruined by a bad sequel. Fortunately, this book took everything I loved about the book and turned it up to eleven. It upped the stakes, it intensified the relationships, and it also added a mental illness angle that I personally found very meaningful.

The author is still kiiinda on notice so I'm not sure I want a third book. If there is one, dear God, please be good. *crosses fingers*

4) Turtles All The Way Down by John Green

I remember thinking, as I was reading this: this is really, really working for me but will it work for someone neurotypical? 2018 was hell and I was just so desperate for the people in my life to get it, and so I kept hopping on trains of thought like this.

Anyway, this book was spot on in what goes on in the wirings of my anxious brain. Green's usual turns of phrase took an incredibly frenetic turn at times, which, I know, is exactly what it's like to have a mental illness. This is not a book about "this is what to do" it's about how it IS or how it can GET.

I'm still really grateful for that quote about the spiral – how it tightens, but also how it eternally widens. When I first saw the cover, I thought it was kind of blah; now I look at that spiral and see something different. I see the hope of creating a new 'normal'.

5) The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

This was so readable it surprised me. I thought I'd go slow on it because: war story where it's a foregone conclusion that it ends tragically for the leads? Yeah, I'm not in a rush to reach the end of that. But I blazed right through this book. There's something really addictive about Madeline Miller's storytelling and how she brings her characters together and follows their blossomings and downfalls through the years. And then, the course of the Iliad and the inevitable sadness for Achilles, Patroclus, and Briseis was more like the slow turning of the tide rather than getting hit with a tidal wave. Anyway, not only was it readable but I'm finding myself eager to re-read it.

6 ) The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley

Part of my Read Everything Robin McKinley Writes mission that began last year. I'd liked the sheer escapism and the desert setting in The Blue Sword, but that whole white savior thing kinda put me off from enjoying Harry and the book more fully than I would've liked.

It was not so for this book, thankfully! Who knew that reading about the nitty-gritty of slaying big scaly beasts could be so satisfying? That's classic Robin McKinley, as I'm learning – you love what the protag loves. And then I really dug how the dead dragon's ghost haunting Aerin acts as a metaphor for mental illness.

(As I continue to wrestle with my diagnosis, I continually appreciate all the depression/anxiety metaphors I encounter in media. Maybe one day I'll make a post about it) AND ALSO: a love triangle that's actually well done and that serves our heroine's identity and character rather than taking away from it? Yes. Yes, thank you.

7) A Certain Slant of Light by Laura Whitcomb

Yeah so, this book killed me. It's about two twenty-something ghosts with unfinished business who find themselves in the bodies of two teenagers whose souls appear to have completely vacated theirs. They find themselves falling for each other and trying to find out what happened to their 'hosts' and what went on in their past lives. They also find themselves battling to survive the hostile home lives that their 'hosts' left behind. It's all very beautiful and kind of twisted and also a love letter to words and probably my most unexpected book of the year. And I have NO idea to rec it to people. "Read this, it's kind of fucked up but gorgeous but also can get triggery so step warily?" Uh.

8) Deerskin by Robin McKinley

See warnings above. Oh God. But really, I totally respect Robin McKinley for going full-out faithful to how utterly fucked up fairy tales can be while still creating a survival story. I'm not just talking about Lissar surviving spoilers incestual rape and miscarriage (indeed, I'm not qualified to talk about it) but how hers is a story of healing: by surviving the elements, by nursing living things back into life, by building herself up into a legend without even knowing it.

9) Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor

Just an incredibly satisfying ending to a duology that at the same time echoes that quote from Michael Ende's The Neverending Story: "but that is another story and shall be told another time." I love when something ends with that sense of: "there are even more stories and adventures for our beloved characters out there than you can possibly fathom, and you are now free to make up them yourself."

10) Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

I was intrigued by the premise: a half-Jewish guy and a Mormon guy fall for each other over the course of a writing class. And upon starting it, I could tell straight (heh, straight) away that it was going to be a favorite. It's an unabashedly kilig romance about falling for the wonderfulness in each other,and both mains are fucking adorable, and made me want to give them both a ton of hugs. Oh, and this book further reinforced my belief that the key to first-person writing is having a good voice.

Another thing is, I basically never see YA books that deal with growing up in a religion and actually-loving it and having it be an inextricable part of your identity… and then having to deal with the darker, prejudiced sides that you really wish would be excised from it altogether especially if they are opposed to who you are. To deal with it sensitively and touchingly, not only in a YA book but in an m/m romance? Well done.

honorable mention!

-The Secret History by Donna Tartt

I was reading this on the bus on the way home to the province for Christmas and I could not stop laughing and I had no idea to explain to my very curious sister that it was because half the protagonists were high as a kite at the funeral of the friend that they all killed and one of them had just very noisily killed a bee in the church vestibule and it made the loudest sound on the planet and they're all gonna have to ~aesthetically grieve and pallbear now even though THEY killed their friend and w o w it's like Nuwanda from Dead Poets Society was cloned five times.

Sometimes "pretentious people murder someone and somehow it is hilarious" is just exactly my cup of tea.

and a couple of series binges!

Almost 10 years ago (god, what the hell), I had a "YA Paranormal Romances I Might Actually Like" list, and the two trilogies below were on it. There's something gratifying about finally crossing off books on your TBR that have been there for ages:

-The Shade Trilogy by Jeri Smith-Ready (Shade, Shift, Shine) This series came out on the tail of the Great YA Paranormal Romance boom and I really wish I'd picked it up then (I also really wish some of the covers it got weren't so damn off-putting. It's like Animorphs all over again) because it's such cut above so many of the books that were being churned out in those days.

The premise is: what if there was a global paranormal event that left the portion of the population born after a certain year with the ability to see ghosts? I really like that the author thought this out thoroughly – it's not just a oooh spooky ghosties gimmick. Everything is affected: the educational system, the police force, politics, technology, travel, you name it.

The heroine was smart and truth-seeking and had nuancedrelationships with lots of female characters (bff, mentor, aunt who raised her, mom who died… ), the Betty love interest was a total sweetheart who also didn't seem too good to be true and who was capable of making major teenage fuck-ups, and the Veronica love interest was a rock-and-roll ghost who had the post-life character arc that I sadly wish Maggie Stiefvater had given Noah Czerny. I kind of loved them all a lot and one of the reasons I wish I'd read these books as they came out was so I could've been un-jaded just a little bit about Those Pesky Love Triangles.

(Someday I…really ought to make an analysis about why I dislike love triangles in general and what exactly was up with the ones that DID work for me.)

-Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater

I read the whole series toward the year's end. It was precisely the cold-weather binge I was craving. I may have my quarrels with some of her writing decision, but really few people can do atmospheric, poetic writing the way Maggie Stiefvater does. The romances were a bit too YA for me in this one, but I ended up really sympathizing with every single POV character anyway. And I mean, cold and poetry and family and books and wolves-as-family*.

(*One day, I'll have the emotional armor to watch Wolf's Rain again. )

[p-artsypants]

P-Artsypants FanFiction Masterpost!

I have all these links available on my main page, but I’m providing this post for those that didn’t know that! 

Find most, if not more, of these fics on:

fanfiction.net | archive of our own | wattpad

How To Train Your Dragon

Drabbles (~AU’s, *Finished):

The Vikings Have Their Tea (ff.net | ao3)

Arranged marriage- Takes place at the beginning of HTTYD

Breathe- Survival of the fittest

~Childhood friends- At the Sandbox

Easy fix- In which Hiccup has a bad day

~Fashion designer- Astrid needs a fill in

Headache- In Which Hiccup hits his head….really hard

Heir- In which Hiccup is borrowed

Illness- In Which Stoick is a dad

~Illusionist- Trick gone wrong

~In the walls- In which there’s a poop ghost

~Knocking on the wrong door (2) - A chance encounter

messages- Astrid is Frustrated with Hiccup’s obliviousness

~To mirkwood- Hiccup is not a dwarf

~Monster falls- Hiccup and Astrid take a dip

Mute- In which there’s a quiet stranger

~Music video (ImgHS)- He didn’t expect it

~Over- Too many nightmares

~Partners in crime- A normal day at work

~Pirate- Astrid is the greatest treasure

~Prince- He doesn’t want to be a broken King

Hide and seek- Part 1

Lost and found- Part 2

Long fics:

*Infernal responsibility- Being the son of the chief takes brains, courage, and a lot of patience. But at his father’s the request for marriage, Hiccup decides he has had enough. When he seeks out a life of ease, he runs into more than what he bargained for.

*Roses and lilies- “Astrid, you and I both know you’re much tougher than I am. You’re more brave, and a better fighter…but just for a little while…could we pretend that I’m the one protecting you?” “Oh gods yes!”

*~What the water gave me- The sea is a wild and dangerous thing, something that cannot be foretold or predicted. Hiccup discovered this many years ago, in human naiveté. Yet, what was meant as a sacrifice became a new life, one like no one could comprehend. He now finds himself once more in the unknowing hands of those that sentenced him to death. He only prays things will be different this time. Merman!AU

*Parasite- Soulsnatcher Dragons are rare but deadly. But, As Hiccup finds out, it’s the eggs you have to watch out for.

*~320 state street- Gobber’s Goods. A Hardware Store that was rumored to have everything you needed. She thought she only needed a job. Turns out, she needed a lot more than that. (A Modern AU no one asked for)

*~The north tower- When Finn Hofferson died, Astrid inherited his castle in Wales…and a whole lot more. Something sinister lurks in the North Tower.

~Boy Toy- AO3- At the age of 21, Princess Astrid lawfully has to pick a husband. But when the perfect groom is nowhere to be found, she requests the toymaker to create one for her. It's safe to say that everyone in the kingdom is a little concerned. (Pinocchio!AU I guess?)

Trollhunters: Tales from Arcadia

Arcadia or bust- In Which Arcadia welcomes back it’s underground citizens...eventually!

Teen Titans

Oneshots:

~big brother- Don’t turn out the light (Horror)

dear jason- Bruce Writes a letter

forgotten- Starfire’s birthday

it was an accident- Someone has to take the blame

just drawing- Bruce thinks about Robin

piece of heaven- Robin just wants his mom

rockin’ robin- Robin regrets his name choice

the prisoner- Starfire is Guilty

this little light of mine- Starfire’s not having a good day

this is what we do- Average day in Jump city

wastelands- Stranded

of mustard and three foot purple tongues- A collection of Oneshots and Drabbles

Long Fics (*Finished):

*~carol of the bells- High in the dark Bell Tower of Notre Dame, there lives a mysterious bell ringer. Legend tells of the angel who fell from the sky, and the curse she bares. There are few who know her true identity though; her master, the priest, and the acrobat that performs on the streets below. Based loosely on ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ RobxStar and slight BBxRae

*no escape- Three years ago, Starfire escaped an Alien race called the Gordanians, to arrive on Earth. They’re back, and ready to put Starfire back where she belongs, behind reinforced Titanium bars. Robin’s not about to let her go…if only he hadn’t got captured first. How does it feel to be the alien, Robin?

*now you know my pain- When the new Villain, Gender Bender, comes to down, the Titans find themselves in an odd situation. They’ve been turned into the opposite gender against their will! Now in order to change back, they must learn to understand the gender they’ve turned into. Rated T for obvious reasons. A great read if you’ve ever wondered why girls or guys do [blank].

*paint it black- Robin disappeared three months ago. Now, Jump City’s crime rate is mysteriously being taken care of by a normal, albeit strange, teenage boy who goes by the name Black. As the Titans befriend this lunatic, they begin to see a relation between him and their missing leader. Will they be able to find Robin, or will Black turn them all insane as himself? Actually, contains NO OC.

*saving grace- “When I’m done with you, you won’t be able to walk upright or speak coherent sentences and all you’ll see is my mask and my voice repeating in your head…Weak. Richard Grayson, I am not tough, I am everything that you fear.” Happy Ending! Smudge of RobStar. NO Slash!

Miraculous Ladybug

tender words- When Marinette finally gets the guts to confess her feelings for Adrien, some things go so wrong, and other things go so right.

tunnels of love- Oneshot- The night started out with an accidental kiss from Adrien Agreste, and ended with her bleeding in the Catacombs of Paris. Ladybug, the wielder of the miraculous of good luck. Yeah right. (Some blood)

the reveal that wasn’t- first parts My ending to kittybug’s Tumblr Prompt

Kingdom Hearts

My Kingdom for a Heart ao3 | ff.net - The curse of being one of the Princesses of heart, is that there’s always someone out to get you. As Xemnas looked failure in the face, he reached out in a last ditch effort and destroyed Kairi’s heart. Now her friends must travel the worlds again. Sora, to find a way to recover Kairi’s heart, and Riku, to make amends to those he has wronged. All the while, the darkness grows.

Beauty and the Beast

behold the beast- A Oneshot alternate ending to the Animated Film

Cinderella

midnight- “When the clock strikes twelve, the spell will be broken,” the fairy godmother had warned. A retelling of the story, when Cinderella doesn’t escape the ball in time. Oneshot

so this is love- What if Jaq and Gus hadn’t made it in time to help Cinderella? A new twist on the ending of the classic Fairytale, and what lies beyond the story. She still gets her happy ending and her Prince, and her step family gets their just deserts.

Sleeping Beauty

a love song back to me- Maleficent saw the loophole that stared her in the face. Prince Phillip would break the curse in time, for sure. After all, he was betrothed to Aurora. So in an effort for her evil plan to stay in action, Maleficent takes care of the young prince herself. Phillip never imagined having to live off the land like the birds above. Alternate twist on the classic Disney tale.

Escaflowne

down feathers- Hitomi’s depressed. She’s been away from Van too long, he comes back to visit her…but what if something went wrong with the transfer? (Not finished. Never will be finished. Mwahaha) Circa 2012

angel’s wounds- Fanelia’s been victorious in their most recent battle with Basrum. Unfortunately, someone is wounded and just seeks solace in his love that lives so far away. Post Anime.

momma look sharp- With the war between Fanelia and Basrum finally coming to a close, the kingdom is celebrating. The young king, however, is suffering from an experience unlike any he had before. Van finally seeks solace in his wife.