#i needed to write something before bed
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Having some issues...
Started writing gen 2 of SBL this afternoon. I gathered some Byron pictures and decided I'd start off by him looking back on his growing up over a few posts and commenting his perspective. That seemed to work fine and I could write. The problem was when I came to the pictures from his teen into YA birthday. Normally I like to write SBL in first person for the founder/heir, but regardless of who I'm following I'll try write in the past tense. E.g. I walked, instead of, I walk. But trying to explain who is in the pictures with Byron has thrown me.
For example I want to say "Will is my best friend" but if I'm being consistent with using the past tense I ought to say "Will was my best friend". But in my brain as I read the second one it makes me think "okay Byron is Will somehow not your best friend now"? Am I overthinking it? Do I need to keep it all past tense to make sense? Will y'all just assume if I say "was" instead of "is" that what I'm describing is no longer the case? Because in my mind, apart from the break from first person at the beginning of generation one, I like to write as if my founder/heir is recalling events that happened to them...
#ramble ramble ramble#before bed thoughts#I'm getting my tenses confused#do I need more faith in people's reading comprehension#my fatigued self is struggling#how do I write his description of Melina#without it sounding like she's now dead or something
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Nap Time
Eternal Servants AU belongs to @emelinstriker
Scenario: Reader wants to sleep. Needs to have their favorite fur covered boys to sleep well.
You were lying down, trying to go to sleep. And yet it elludes you like water from a ducks back. You knew you were tired, yet your mind refused to turn off in order for you to get your REM sleep.
You finally breathed in and give a sigh of defeat. Lifting your head from the pillow and looked up. "Guys? Could you-?"
"Yes Master!?" Macaque knelt before you, at eye level where you were lying in the couch. You stared at him. Bemused at his speed. "Can i ask you, Wukong, and MK to come here for a sec?" That order request did not take long to be fulfilled.
"Is there something we can do Master?" MK asked, looking up at you. "It's not a big deal, just a lil thing." You assured the three monkey champions kneeling in front of you. " Um... Can I ask you guys to just... Lie next to me? Like. One on each side? I'm more used to my cats lying next to me while I go to sleep and uh..." By the look on their faces, they could feel your sorrow from missing your pet. You took in a deeper breath, held in your chest as you tried to speak. "I just need some company while I go to sleep."
" of course" you were so tired you couldn't tell if it was Wukong or MK saying this. You knew it wasnt Macaque since he wad always so loud and eager to please you. Eventually you felt Wukong on your left and Macaque on your right. Both nuzzling into your shoulder and side respectfully. MK was clinging to you while burrying his head into your chest. Right over your heart. All of whom had their arms wrapped around you ans their tails wurled either around your legs or your waist. It was... Soothing. In no time your eyes closed, and you drifted off to sleep. Feeling comfort in those around you.
And when you felt Wukong place a kiss on your head, it was over. You heard his voice before going straight into dreamland. "Have a good night Master."
#lmk esau#eternal servants au#lmk drabbles#lmk esau fanfic#i dont know wjy but i had to wrote this down before i went to bed#i always feel like i need to give wukong ONE line in these. and i always get so worried if its something he would say or not#also the pet thing could be anything. but i do miss my cats being like gargoyles on the foot of my bed#i miss having cats in general...#anyway. ive had this idea of just both monkeys on eigher side and mk just coming up and plopping his head down#this image makes me smile and i had to write it down#esau x reader#lmk x reader#more pkatonic in this but might as well tag it
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Hello love, how are you?
I know you have done a couple of this already, but may i ask for one where Thena is suffering because of her period and Gil is being a good boyfriend and taking care of her, pretty please.
Also thank you for all your works they are amazing 🩷🤍.
"Thena?"
He didn't get any response as he cracked the door open even further. Which, he wouldn't under any normal circumstance. But not only was this bathroom at an end of the school that no one ever used, he had gotten an inside tip.
"Babe, I know you're in here," he broached carefully. She wasn't in here for no reason.
"Get out."
There she was. But it didn't have her usual sharpness. Plenty of acerbic distaste, certainly, but it had a kind of morose undertone to it.
Gil pressed the door closed behind him, "come on, sweetheart. Sersi sent me."
There was a stall door between them, but he could hear the look of betrayal on her face. "That little-"
"Hey," he assuaged, pressing his palm to the painted steel. "She's at the mall with Dane--who I know damn well you wouldn't want knowing about this, too."
"Whom," she corrected him, although even that lacked her usual gusto. "And that doesn't mean you were the acceptable alternative."
"Thena," he attempted in a sweeter voice. He looked down at the feet under the stall's gap. He had some sympathy; he didn't think of it as nearly so big a deal, but there were probably few things more personal to a girl than this. "Is it bad?"
She took her sweet time answering him, and even when she did, it came out as a miserable little warble. "I can see it a little."
A little would be enough. Especially if she was wearing white jeans.
"Do you know when it started?" he asked, in he thought was a pretty calm and cool way--logical, as his girlfriend would most appreciate.
She sighed (heavily). "After, or maybe even during practice. I managed to slip away from the team."
Gil frowned. Wasn't it, like, girl code not to leave one of their own in this state of distress? "You didn't wanna ask one of them-"
"I wouldn't say I'm that close with any of them," Thena spat. He didn't think she had any real dislike for them, either. But then again, his girlfriend didn't excel at vulnerability, and maybe this was too much for her to even turn to her fellow woman.
She had texted Sersi in blind hopes that her sister was close at hand.
"Okay, here," Gil sighed, pulling up the bag he had with him. He looked up, and then down, "do these doors have hooks on the inside?"
"You think our school has the luxury of something like that?"
Okay, yeah, she had a point. He huffed, "well, I dunno, so you don't have to put your bag or purse or whatever on the floor?"
"I'm not saying it's not a good idea, Gil, but no, they don't have that."
She really was feeling like absolute shit.
"Okay," he gave in easily. He set the bag on the ground and used his foot to slide it in to her. She did snatch it away from his gaze eagerly. "Sersi didn't say which one you liked, so I got a little pack of both, and-"
"Thank you--out."
He sighed again, but there wasn't much more he could do for her at this point. "Okay, okay, but I'm gonna be right outside the door."
"You don't have to, Gil."
He made a face at the stall door again, not that she could appreciate it. "I'm not gonna leave you like this."
"You could, though."
He didn't even really have anything he could compare it to--what she must be feeling at the moment. And for someone who struggled to talk about her own discomfort like she did... "I'm sorry, Thena."
It was so, so quiet. But he caught it--the little sniffle. The telltale sign that her misery was not just mere anger or frustration.
"There's no need, Gil," she tried to dissuade him again, more genuinely and less angrily this time.
"Babe, you know I've eaten you out, right," he commented rather dryly, "it's not like I can get freaked out by your period."
"That's-!" For however strong it started, it gave way to her misery not a second later, finishing in a whimper, "different."
She was right, it was different. But he was trying! He just wanted to make her feel better.
"I'll be outside," he reaffirmed to her door, pressing himself to it as if she would know he was trying to comfort her like that. "And I'm not leaving without you, so don't even try it."
"Fine."
Gil pulled himself away from the door slowly. He lingered, in case she was going to change her mind and tell him to stay. But she made not even a sound, which wasn't even that easy to do with the crinkly plastic pharmacy bag he'd brought in.
He had even had the wherewithal to ask them to double bag it, for privacy reasons! He thought that was a pretty smart move, on his part. He had gotten both tampons and pads, which maybe was a little overkill. But he didn't want her to get stuck with one if she was more comfortable with the other. And he'd thrown in some pain meds and some chocolate, just for good measure.
Gil leaned against the wall outside the bathroom door. They were at the very end of the hall, by the door that led straight to the fields. Now that all the practices were over, no one would be down here until teachers left or cleaning staff came to do their thing.
His heart ached for his poor Thena, imagining her discovering the blood and too uncomfortable around her teammates to ask for help with it. He wasn't entirely sure where her ire with them started, or if it was for Thena reasons or something else. But the fact that she had slipped away from them to endure the misery for herself spoke to how solitary a creature she really was.
He stood up straight as the door opened and Thena emerged with the bag in the crook of her elbow. She was staring straight down at the ground. "How do you feel?"
"Humiliated."
Gil smiled down at the top of her head as she headbutted him right in the chest. He didn't mind. He wrapped his arms around her, pressing a kiss to her hair.
His first instinct was to say something to lighten her mood, maybe a joke or something. But he felt the faint but real little spots of warmth in the cotton of his t-shirt. He rubbed her back, "it's okay."
Thena had never, ever, cried in front of him. Not even when she told him about Ikaris laughing at her for being a virgin. He was still determined to kick that guy's ass one day.
She pulled away, rubbing her eyes to erase the last of her woes for herself. "Thank you."
"Of course," he frowned. Like he was doing some great thing by helping her out with this? It was pretty basic boyfriend stuff, he was pretty sure. "You know I mean that, right?"
"I know," she grumbled, and there was some of his Thena starting to emerge. She stepped away from him, her arms wrapped around herself.
"You want me to, uh," he tilted his head, "check if you're good?"
"I would rather die."
He chuckled; now that was his Thena.
"Just," she mumbled out, embarrassment written all over her. "Give me your sweater.
He did so in an instant, pulling his black hoodie off his shoulders and wrapping it around her. She extended her arms on her own, threading them through the sleeves smoothly. He made sure it sat on her shoulders and then gave the bottom a tug to verify that it did indeed cover well beyond her (cute) butt.
She looked at him as she started pushing the sleeves up.
"Lookin' good," he grinned at her with a wink.
She rolled her eyes at him, but the way she let him take her hand told him she was still feeling a little shitty about everything. "Take me home?"
"You got it," he assured as gently as he could. As much as he wanted to offer to take her out and do something fun, it wasn't about what he wanted. And if she wanted to wallow in her misery for the night he would ask and beg and plead to join her in that misery. "You know-"
Thena didn't even turn her head, just gave him one hell of a side eye.
But he smiled, braving on for the love of his young life. "As I keep reminding you, I am in this for real, babe. Like, real deal, long haul-"
"Yes, yes, you have said," she sighed, although he could see her starting to smile again.
He gave her hand a squeeze. "It's not like I was never gonna be around for...something like this."
It showed on Thena's face just how much she appreciated his delicacy with it, even after the fact.
"It's not a big deal--not to me, at least," he shrugged, hoping he was saying the right thing. All he could hope was that she was really hearing him and getting how much he meant it. "And if you ever needed help like this again--just call me, okay? Text me, email me if you have to."
She laughed at the suggestion, but all he needed to see was that cute smile, showing off her teeth. She had a cute laugh, too.
"I'll be there, Thena," he finished, pouring his heart into it. "In a heartbeat."
"I know, Gil." Well, that was the end of that. It wasn't up for discussion anymore, and he would be pushing his luck to try and continue it.
But he happily let her release his hand, only so she could wrap her arms around his one and press her face into his t-shirt sleeve. "You gonna let me carry that bag for you?"
"No."
"Okay, fine," he chuckled. Whatever she wanted--needed. Anything at all. He looked down at her as they continued down the hall, taking their good, sweet time. "Thena, I-"
"I hope," she prefaced, giving his arm an extra squeeze, "you're not about to say something I wouldn't want to hear on arguably the worst day of my life."
Okay, so not the time for an I-Love-You. Their first, he had to keep reminding himself, no matter how many times he had already imagined saying it to her.
"Yeah, no, totally," he mumbled, resigning himself to keeping it in again.
"Just-" Thena pressed herself even closer to him. "Just wait a little longer."
He looked down at the top of her head again (since she wasn't up to looking at him yet, apparently). But she didn't have to ask; he was going to wait for her until the day he died, he had already decided.
It wasn't even really up to him. Somewhere along the way, he had fallen beyond the point of no return, and he would do anything - literally anything! - for her.
Thena let him kiss her forehead as they continued shuffling along, the hum of the fluorescents and the crinkling of the bag offering a soundtrack to their quiet moment.
"Y'know, I heard baths are good for cramps. We could-"
"Not a chance, Gil."
#Thenamesh 10 Things AU#thank you for the ask sweetheart!!!!#I'll never tire of writing some good ol' period comfort although this is maybe a different kind of comfort#I hope you don't mind my choice of AU#I have imagined something kind of like this before#I mean Thena's usual choice of wardrobe and everything#and she doesn't trust her teammates enough not to blab about it around the wrong people#so she just slips away quietly#texts Sersi to please for the love of god bring her SOMETHING#but Sersi can't just slip away#and she knows asking Dane to take her to the pharmacy and then back to the school is also not an option#but a very sweet someone gets a text that Thena needs help#and he goes my ladylove needs me#unfortunately I think many of us have experienced something at least like this#Thena is mortified even as the nearly grown woman she is#it's not something she wanted him being involved in!#at least not at this point in their lives#but Gil thinks it's a given because obviously they're gonna move in and get married someday#of course he was gonna deal with her period eventually#Gil takes her home and she lets him come in#she goes upstairs and gets changed and does what she needs to do#he asks if she wants to just stay in and cuddle and she says fine whatever if you want to#but when they're upstairs in her bed she's clinging to him like a koala#she really did have a miserable day but it wouldn't be like her to admit that she does feel better having him there#although she asks they never speak of this again#Gil holds her until he hears the front door#Thena is asleep but he kisses her goodnight and slips out her window#in case her dad is the barging in type#not that that is not also problematic#but it's just Sersi checking on her big sister like a sweetheart
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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currently wanting to burn my writer’s block at the stake. it’s been MONTHS, i just want my happy little source of escapism back pls is that too much to ask?? 😩😭
#i have been managing to write bits here and there#but i just can’t get properly into the headspace#nothing is consuming me#and aghhhhh#i don’t feel like myself when i don’t have a specific writing outlet to pour myself into#rn both fanfic and original stuff just feel out of reach and i hate it#i kind of feel like there’s a story a really need to tell but i haven’t quite found it yet#so i keep drifting between different ideas and not really managing to settle on anything#anyway yeah i know it’s 1am and no one really needs to be reading about me and my difficult brain#but i needed to vent it out somewhere so here it is lol#going to go and finish my tea and try and read something soothing before bed to try and distract me from my frustration#why must creativity be so awful as well as so wonderful#if i can’t find my way back into writing something in the next few days then i might just put my head through a wall#not to be dramatic#writing stuff#lulu posts
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many things i have been keeping under wraps at work, such as pronouns, but also, very critically, age. bc i got that ageless mixed race asian swag where i am very clearly not an undergrad but also??? they just don't know. and it WHIPS and it is so funny to ME because all the managers and shift supervisors are like damn this girl in her mid-twenties is so easy to talk to, it's like talking to a peer. surprise bitch i'm older than you. and maybe this means i'm performing psychological experiments on cis men, but i am ngl if i hand you a two page resume that you don't read, it is simply none of MY business if you think i am in my mid-20s. they are going to be so mad when they find out lmao
#mild work crush i fear....his undefinable possibly autistic certainly overworked jock swag has captured the nation#i can't remember if he was the one who jumpscared the managers by just randomly showing up with a wife and baby one day#when they thought he was a confirmed bachelor#it might have been the other shift supervisor who hates talking to people#it def wasn't the business school supervisor bc that guy is tasing himself recreationally while getting an mba. idiot <3#i love my job it is so boring and so entertaining at the same time. it's like the perfect balance of annoying and enriching#i wrote an entire fic at work once. and was still able to do everything i needed to do. and heard an absolutely bananas story#from the housekeeper about suing the city#i love the housekeeper every 3rd word out of her mouth i'm like ma'am are we allowed to say that in 2025 😭#i wish i could work there forever but i cannot. and when i quit the fic and/or zine i write/make about is going to go CRAZYYYYY#i think i text like 5-8 different people at least once a week about stupid shit i witnessed at work and the hot guys also#cannot forget the hot guys. so many hot guys. and they are all so stupid and annoying and sometimes charming also#i wish i could wear shorts to work bc my ass looks great rn from strength training#unfortunately my uniform is athleisure wear that doesn't fit and a free flyers sweatshirt that also doesn't fit lmao#when i learn to dress myself. it's over for you hoes#was talking to my strength trainer this week bc they asked if they could use me as a case study for trauma informed something#i kind of wasn't listening bc i just started talking immediately about the emotional effects of not having severe chronic back pain#and now being stronger has made me at its very base just more confident and kind to myself (inasmuch as i'll ever be)#bc i know my body better and i'm not scared of it and i can predict how it moves and i can trust it in ways i could not before#just from not knowing it? like even beyond the chronic pain i just did not know how my body moved and what it was capable of#& how one thing that is so silly but so nice is the feeling of being attractive as MYSELF for the first time in my life and not just#a vehicle for everyone to project whatever weird mpdg stuff on. and it's NICE and it's FUN that i know how my body moves as itself!!#like idk is finding confidence in my body the poetry. the strength training. the being in my 30s. the being too tired to care anymore#WHO KNOWS. none of my business#in conclusion. i would love to say i haven't been having a five stage mental breakdown all week but i have but i think it finally resolved#and now i have a new bed courtesy of sierra and kelly!!!!#and after i find out how much i owe in 1st/last month's rent? it's cricut time#ok good night#fresno oilers.txt
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soooo fashion pilled lately yayy i think i'll try getting into chainmail and beading jewelry. i have some jump rings lying around to get started and they are 1) easy to obtain 2) easy to store
#i'm very impatient but it's something that can be done in bed while watching stuff so!#i've looked into it before and it's time to commit#also thinking on making a post on how i approach layering... mostly because i have a vaguely clever title for it#('beyond the third piece'. which might not even be relevant nowadays do people still talk about this concept)#(i don't read mainstream fashion sources at all anymore and don't use tiktok so i'm out of the loop almost completely)#also such a post would also include color and thematic coordination as a whole. not just layering. though it all kinda is#i should def write it... but i'd need lots of example images#pretty time consuming! and i'm not sure if anyone wants it <3
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"grew up afraid and anxious of everything" to "writing short stories about fucking the shadow monsters that live under my bed" pipeline
#load bearing use of the word 'fucking' here but someday i might actually post the smut#something something worked through the darkness by planting flowers in them#i think i posted about that once before? whatever#*adds 'shadow monster under the bed' to the list of monsters to write about*#i need to work on my thesis but i am so tired#cricket is chirping 🦗
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Priorities are had lol.
i can't say i've played a lot of veilguard but here's some sillies for the beginning of it anyways. b/c, ngl, i kinda wanna see what exactly would happen if Solas took down the veil. But if he had actually killed Verric i would have quit then and there.
#dragon age veilguard#does it count as spoilers if it happens withing the first 30 minutes?#dav spoilers#just to be safe#my doodles#dav harding#i'm just trying to do some doodles to get back in the swing of things#b/c my burn out is pretty much gone#but ive also discovered new hobbies that are taking the time that drawing and writing used to have all to itself#ngl just a bit disappointed in veilguard#ive only played like 10 hrs or so and i still feel like i'm in the tutorial#plus after the very open world of inquisition this semi open world feels very limiting#(i also low key hate the fighting mechanics)#(why do we need ten million things to keep track of)#(i've noticed this in a lot of new games and i am not a fan)#(i'm not good at fighting in general so it's just making it more confusing for me)#(plus it's all reaction based and my reaction time is shit)#(i am honestly having more fun playing infinity nikki than i am dragon age right now)#(which is not something i ever thought i'd say)#(anyways i'm done complaining)#(I'm going to get some work done before i have to go to bed)
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i think i tapped on the explore page by accident some minutes ago, i've been scrolling for a good sec like 'why is this on my dash. i don't know any of these people. what's going on' lmfsvh
#just me hi#i was really scrolling like 'man i do i need to start unfollowing people' before i Realized something was Wrong hkdjvhgv#idek how i did that. for a moment i was in a poor (quality) alternate dimension hkfkshvj#//anywho 'm gonna be going to bed in a bit :)#12 is about the time i should go to sleep... but also i've been doing pretty well going to sleep late n waking up at pretty reasonable hour#turns out when i'm much better at managing my own sleep times than i thought! whodda thought after all this time hbfhsh#//mnmnm also i'm getting back into actually enjoying writing lol :33#took me a sec bc oooh has it been fooooreeeever bfsh !! but yea i'm figuring out how to like it again :>>#i had what i believe to be a reasonable amount of description for a scene(in hindsight anyway lmfsh) and was like 'ohh but is this annoying#and then the thought of 'oh wait. i'm writing for me and one other guy (also me)'#so it haaaas been pleasant :33#i'm trying to practice my pacing n stuff... my punctuation has gotten a bit rusty too so that as well :)#//oh i haven't worked on my background stuff...#year's almost done and i think i've done 1 full background i think. that's a bit crazy hkfshv#gotta make up for that !! it's gonna suck prolly but i'm gonna do it >:3#mmmmmmmmmmmmm yea i'll do that after the yellow piece tomorrow :>#i've already got some of the guidelines for that down so ~!!~#//ouh the tea Got Me#going to poof now.. tooodles .w./
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(CW for Suicidal Ideation)
Hinata’s breath was heavy as he landed the final move of their act. The tinny music playing from their speakers went quiet and the audience clapped politely. It was always the same song and dance as the crowd moved on with their day. A few of them tossed some yen their way but otherwise it was time for them to regroup for their next performance. Yuta knelt down by the hat with some coins and bills sticking out of it, counting their earnings thus far.
“Hey aniki! We might be able to eat well tonight! There’s like 3,000 yen in here!” Yuta exclaimed. The idea of a filling dinner made Hinata’s mouth water. Oh what he wouldn’t do for even warm noodles not from a cup.
Hinata turned to grab the iPod from its place on the speaker, choosing the next song to play. He put the phone back and turned the volume up a little more to play over the evening rush. The music started and he and Yuta moved in unison around their little stage, taking in the crowd. There were some regulars that Hinata recognized, the businesswoman who was perpetually tired but always stopped for their performances and a few kids who looked up at them in awe as their parents were trying to usher them away. There were always new faces too, of course people traveled across the country all the time or took new trains or moved cities, but there was something different about the boy with the bright red hair at the back of the crowd. His sky blue eyes pierced straight through to Hinata’s heart and made him stumble when their gaze connected with his own.
“Hey, aniki focus! We’re almost done, don't fail on me now!” Yuta whispered, carefully shielding Hinata from the crowd as he regained his footing. Yuta was always so quick thinking. Hinata got back to his position and finished up the routine, eyes looking for that boy he had spotted earlier. He half hoped the boy would come talk to them afterwards while they were packing up for the evening, but when he finally saw that shock of red hair, it was moving away with the rest of the crowd.
Hinata sighed, disappointed. Maybe that boy would come back someday. There was something about him that drew Hinata in.
Someone bumped his shoulder, drawing him from his thoughts. “Hey, aniki, are you alright? You seem out of it today.” Yuta’s hand rested on his shoulder and Hinata couldn’t help but smile. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around, the older brother checking in on the younger one?
“Hey hey everything’s fine Yuta-kun, don’t worry about me. I was just thinking about that delicious dinner you’re treating us too~” He playfully pushed back on Yuta, the red haired blue eyed boy all but forgotten now.
“Hey! It’s technically our money so I’m not treating you to anything!” Yuta scowled but the smile in his voice was obvious to Hinata.
“Hehe, then dinner’s on me! Say ‘thank you aniki!’”
---
It was a week before Hinata saw the red headed boy in their audience again. He had all but slipped his mind, but those striking blue eyes were impossible to forget. Yuta was introducing their next performance which allowed Hinata to take a better look at the older boy who had made his way to the middle of the audience. He was tall and what Hinata could see of his outfit seemed ill-fitting at best, along with a headband holding his hair away from his eyes.
Hinata scrambled to his position as the music queued up and let his instincts take over. Every so often he found himself glancing at the red haired boy, trying to see what he thought of their performance, but his face revealed nothing.
Why was he so focused on this one boy? It’s not like they didn’t have strangers who watched them sometimes, and none of them had caught Hinata’s attention quite like this boy. He really couldn’t be much older than Hinata, maybe 17 at the oldest. Was he an older brother too? The boy’s eyes made contact with Hinata’s and it took everything in him to not look away.
Once again however, Yuta snapped him out of whatever trance he had been in and everything was forgotten.
“Are you really okay aniki? You’ve been out of it a lot recently…” Oh how it pained Hinata to see the concern on Yuta’s face. Nothing was even really wrong per se, but Hinata was distracted nonetheless.
“I’m fine, Yuta-kun. Geez, can’t your older brother have some peace?” His mouth ran faster than his brain and he immediately regretted it. Yuta’s face flipped through several emotions; hurt, confusion, exhaustion. It wasn’t like him to hide things from his brother, so why was he doing it now? “Whatever, let’s get some dinner. My treat~”
“It’s our money!”
---
The boy continued to make appearances at the twins’ performances on the street, becoming something of a regular but disappearing before Hinata could flag him down. Hinata wasn’t even sure what compelled him to want to talk to the older boy, but he wanted to say something. He had even noticed that the boy seemed happier and his clothes fit a little better, not like they were just the first thing he grabbed out of a donation pile.
Finally, after almost a month of trying to say something to the boy, Hinata saw him walk up to their hat on the ground and drop a few coins into it.
“Thank you!” He said, walking up to the boy. “Hope you enjoyed the performance!”
The boy froze as if he wasn’t expecting to be greeted like that. There was a slight flush to his face. “I-it’s nothing, don’t worry about it. You uh…you were great?” The boy seemed unsure of how to reply, though Hinata was happy with the compliment nonetheless. Maybe…
“What brings you here? I mean--agh, sorry! I just mean…I noticed you don’t have a regular schedule?” The words were practically falling out of his mouth and Hinata wasn’t really sure what they were doing. “Like you show up a few days in a row but then go three weeks without stopping by at all!” He was just digging a bigger grave for himself! Great!
“Ah uhm…I’m not from around here.” The boy scratched at the back of his neck. Maybe Hinata should back off.
“O-oh, yeah of course. Duh. Are you visiting family or something?”
“Not quite. I really should get going though. See you…later?”
“Yeah, see you later.”
“Hey Aniki, are you coming or not? The food’s gonna get cold!”
“Coming!”
---
It was almost a month before the boy appeared again. In the time between, Hinata had come up with a million different ideas for what his life was like. Was he a delinquent who skipped school to hang out on the street with gangs (how scary! But he looked strong enough to fit in)? Or was he a runaway from a city far away, somewhere Hinata only dreamed of visiting like Okinawa? Maybe he had a bad relationship with his dad and ran away, a thought that Hinata hated to admit had crossed his mind more than once. Or maybe he just passed through the city on the way to somewhere else. That seemed to be the most likely option, especially if he couldn’t come very often.
When the boy did finally show up again, Hinata had to hold himself back from practically jumping him after the performance. Something looked…different about him though. His eyes seemed more tired? Like he hadn’t been sleeping well. Hinata thought of a fight he had with his dad a few weeks ago that made it hard for him to sleep and thought maybe this boy was the same as him in that regard.
Hinata decided to wave him down after the performance, hat in hand (they had done pretty well! It felt heavier than normal and even without counting everything, they’d probably have enough for breakfast too).
“Hey! You look tired, are you--did you want to get something to eat?” Please say yes please say yes please say yes--
The boy’s mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. Did Hinata mess up? Oh he overstepped and now there really wasn’t any chance of getting to know him. Why was he so interested in talking to the boy anyway? Hinata had been asking himself that for a while now and he still had no answer.
“I…I can’t. I need to go.” The boy turned and ran off before Hinata could ask more. He just kept messing up, didn’t he? Maybe he really was just a burden to Yuta and their dad and the restaurant owner. He shouldn’t have been born and Yuta would’ve been better off--
“Aniki! Sheesh, get your head out of the clouds. How much did we make?” Yuta grabbed the hat out of Hinata’s hand and quickly counted out the coins and bills. “Woah! We could eat a whole five course meal with this…”
“Think with your head a little Yuta-kun. We’ve got breakfast paid for if we don’t blow it all tonight!”
Yuta nodded before handing the hat back to Hinata. “So, my pick tonight?”
---
Hinata signed the note, trying his best to keep the tears from dripping on it and smudging the ink. After his blunder with the red haired boy, he hadn’t shown up to their performances for over two months. Hinata was certain that he had messed up and was too forward. He didn’t even know the kid’s name! Why did he think the two of them could ever be friends?
And on top of all of that, Yuta had become more and more distant from Hinata, as if Hinata just existing was dragging him back from his full potential. Yuta would have been better off as an only child and maybe Hinata deserved this life. Thirteen years living with their father, who had treated them as nothing but monsters, blaming them for their mother’s death and everything bad that had happened since, Hinata had resolved to run away. He’d make his way to the mountains and maybe he’d find someone willing to help him or maybe he’d slip into an endless sleep.
Dear Yuta-kun, the letter had started. I’m sorry that I’m leaving like this, but I know that I’m just a burden to you. I’m sorry for that. I wish I had more to say but I just want you to be happy and maybe father will treat you better without me. I love you.
The other letter, already folded and placed on the table, was much shorter, addressed to his father.
Dear Father, I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better son. Please don’t take this out on Yuta-kun, it was my decision.
The less words he spent on that man, the better. Hinata folded Yuta’s note and placed it on top before quietly exiting through the front door.
---
Everything was cold. Hinata slumped against a tree, head between his knees in a last ditch effort to keep warm. Sleep should come soon and he could painlessly move on, at least that’s what he hoped. He barely registered someone approaching him, but didn’t look up.
“Hey.” The voice was vaguely familiar, but where did he remember it from? A warm hand shook at Hinata’s shoulder.
“‘M fine.” The words were barely a whisper. The other voice grunted before walking away. It was another minute before Hinata felt something drape around his shoulders and a cup shoved in his hand. Whatever was in it was steaming, warming his fingers.
“Drink.” The voice said. And he did, the tea was very, very bitter. That voice…
Hinata looked up, meeting a pair of bright, sky blue eyes. That’s where he recognized the voice from. Did he…live? In the mountains? The boy seemed to recognize him too. He was wearing a headband and what looked like very warm clothes that Hinata wished he had. Hinata finished the tea, trying not to focus on the flavor. It helped at least, in warming him up a bit.
“Why are you here?” The boy finally spoke again. It sounded like he was unsure if he should be mad or concerned, or both, but he offered Hinata another cup of tea, which he accepted if only to warm his fingers up. He pulled the blanket closer around his body.
“I…ran away.” Hinata looked downward, as if admitting this out loud was a cardinal sin. The boy gestured for him to continue. “I guess I just…I was dragging my brother down. I’m not really talented at anything like he is and I’m the reason our dad sees us as monsters. He shouldn’t have to deal with a brother like me.” Hinata wasn’t really sure why he was spilling this so easily. The boy was a good listener though, hanging on every word Hinata spoke. Was he shaking? He’d never admitted this out loud before and it felt oddly freeing to say it to someone.
He waited for a response, anything to chase away the uncomfortable silence Hinata had created with his confession. He really fucked up, didn’t he. He should have just kept that to himself like he always did instead of burdening a stranger like this!
“I…” The boy started, barely audible above Hinata’s racing heartbeat. “I’m glad you’re alive.” He sounded unsure of his words. Was he just trying to be nice? Of course he was, how else do you respond to a kid telling you something like this?
“You don’t have to pretend.”
“I’m not. When I saw you singing and dancing…I think I realized something--” The boy cut himself off, the suddenness of it making Hinata look up. A moment later he heard his brother calling out from the woods behind him.
“Aniki! There you are!” Yuta tackled him to the ground, squeezing Hinata like he might just blow away in the wind if they weren’t careful. “You scared me! I can’t believe you’d do something like that!”
Tears pricked at Hinata’s eyes again. “I’m sorry, Yuta-kun. I’m really sorry.” He buried his face in Yuta’s jacket. His nose started to run, from the cold or the tears he couldn’t tell.
“You aren’t a burden to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you around Aniki!” Yuta pulled back, hands gripping Hinata’s shoulders. “Promise you won’t do something that stupid again.”
Hinata wiped the tears from his eyes, sparing a glance where the boy had been. It was as if he had never been there at all and Hinata had just hallucinated the whole interaction. He looked back at his twin brother. “I promise.”
“Now let's get you home and warmed up. Where’d you get this blanket anyway? It doesn’t look like one of ours.”
“I…” The boy had been real, and he told Hinata he was glad he was alive (even if his explanation was cut short by Hinata’s brother rushing in). “I guess I just found it. There must be people living nearby or something.”
---
The chatter of the night club died down for the night as everyone was getting ready to go home. Hinata’s feet were sore from running around, but it was satisfying to be back in a restaurant like this. It reminded him of his childhood working for the Chinese restaurant with Yuta.
Rinne, the leader of Crazy:B who had wanted to get closer to Hinata, and by extension 2wink, slid a drink down the bar. It looked like a horrible mix of syrups and club soda, but one sip was all it took for Hinata to drink it all down.
“Great job tonight Hina! You’re a real natural at this stuff.” Rinne was washing the other glasses behind the bar now as Hinata finished the rest of his soda.
“Yuta-kun and I used to work in a restaurant so it comes pretty naturally to us!”
“That so?”
“Mhm!” Hinata slid the empty glass back to Rinne, who quickly dumped the ice and washed it before tossing the towel over his shoulder. The entire week they’d been working the club together, there had been something bugging Hinata at the back of his mind. “Hey, Rinne-senpai…did you ever watch our shows?”
“Huh? ‘Course I have, vice prez wants us to work together so I’ve seen a few of ‘em.”
“That’s not what I mean. I mean like…back when Yuta-kun and I did street performances.”
Rinne paused for a moment. “Why’re you askin’?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. You just reminded me of someone who used to watch them.”
“Well I’m sure whoever it was is proud to see you singin’ and dancin’ on stage.” Rinne had come around the bar and stood next to Hinata, ruffling his hair. “Let’s get goin’ or I’m never gonna hear the end of it from Niki-kun.”
#shay writes#enstars#ensemble stars#hinata aoi#yuta aoi#rinne amagi#OKAY ITS DONE I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS PIECE ANYMORE. FUCK MAN#its at least finally no longer a wip. that's all i can say#got one person who said they liked it so to the blog it goes!!!#one less wip to worry about yippie!!!#2.8k words of me being a bit silly. that's what this is.#i probably could have extended the end a bit but augh if i thought about it any longer i would literally pass away#fuck that shit#so here we go. enjoy. i have a whole essay about aoi and amagi parallels i need to write one of these days when i reread mainstory#i'm working on reading boarding live rn i have like 9 chapters left. i'd keep working rn but augh eepy#probably just gonna watch an ep of a3 and go to bed or smth#anyway enjoy!!!! feels good to finish something a bit longer#probably no wip wednesday tomorrow just bc this is all i worked on this week...#also this is a second draft i never do that. well not never i've done it before#and this is i think a significant improvement on the first#okay i'm done tag talking for realsies byeeeeeee enjoy
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long and terrible day and didn't even have a chance to write any destiel (playing with my dolls time) at the end of it 😔
#gods strongest warrior etc#all day i was looking forward to climbing into one of my wips and here were are past midnight alarm set for 8 and no energy left#rip#there's always tomorrow 🤡#what rlly is going to happen tho is i will play dolls in the shower then write it all in my notes app half asleep before bed#i just want to finish something tho omg i have so many diff ideas i need to clean out my mental space for room for new doll scenarios#k.text
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in other news :3c yesterday i finally bought sputnik sweetheart + tell me how long the train’s been gone… sooooo so excited to read them
#they’ve been on my list forever 😭#ahhhh uni is keeping me busy and tumblr is too#but i’d like to start reading an hour or so before bed every night ……#i think reading more will also help me write more . bc that’s something i’ve been lacking lately#both with published books and fics#need to get started on my tbr ..#ari noises ✩
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Times I am most inspired:
Right before bed
Fifteen minutes before my shift starts
In the middle of my shift when it's impossibly busy and I can't jot down the thought I just had that I "totally won't forget"
In the middle of my shower but the second I step out I magically forget every thought I've ever had
#coffee.txt#i would just like to ask my brain: why#because i cant write on my phone so its hard to get ideas out right before bed or something#i need that full keyboard or ELSE#i guess i just need a pocket sized notebook or something
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i wish i could just do nothing for a few days straight. maybe even just sleep for a few days straight. sooo excited for constant misery over the next 20 days
ranting in the tags. i would just scroll past if i were you
#i love college.my favorite part is sitting alone on my couch for 4 months straight and getting so freaked out over grades i spend#5 hours straight trying to avoid the urge to bite into my arm so hard i bruise or bash my head into a wall#meanwhile i keep thinking my life is over. i don't have any evidence. for the first time in my life the future isn't predetermined by#other people and now that i don't know what comes next i just constantly get freaked out. it makes me want to claw through my skin#i know something is wrong with me. it's been 5 years. i know it isn't just going to go away; especially given current circumstances#and how it's only been getting worse over time#but i continue to just sit on my couch and do nothing about it. and since i'm not doing anything about it i just feel like i don't have the#right to complain about it even though shit fucking sucks. months of my life at a time just blur together#god. i was genuinely happy last month when i ripped a bunch of booster packs with my mates that i only see over the summer (minus my bestie#and it made me realize just how much everything's blurred together. i hadn't really felt anything lasting + significantly positive#for months before that. that's not normal#god. i've been wanting to go to bed for the last two hours but i just keep sitting here going “um! you need to study. and wash dishes. and”#so i just. don't. which is already bad but i also need to get up early so i can study for my test tomorrow.#god. fucking dreading my lab tomorrow. went to it last week but dipped at the last minute without getting my work checked off#and without submitting it because i got so angry and freaked out and telling myself “man you can just leave” calmed me down instantly#and then at that point i had like nothing done and i didn't want to admit that so i just. left#if i get asked about it i'll just say it was something personal and i panicked. shrug#a part of me is beyond tempted to skip the lab again but i'm not confident in my assignment grades in that class to do so#even though i'll end up with a 5 point bonus on the final grade from taking a survey. but i'll probably go just cause#it's the second to last lab#man i have three whole ass projects due in that class in 10 days. unless my mental state suddenly improves (it won't) i'm gonna end up doin#those the last possible three days#speaking of assignments. we had to do a group project in my bio lab yeah? the methods my group went with sucked and honestly these#people were a little bit frustrating (i get it. gen ed lab at 7:30am. i'm only in it cause i panicked when a different class registration#fell through) since it always felt like they were more interested in getting done than having like. slightly decent work but whatever#but these people? these people asked me to write the conclusion for our presentation. i ask “yeah sure yeah. what did we conclude”#“eh. you can write whatever” ???????????????? HUH???? MATE THAT IS HALF OF THE WORK???????????????????#the shitty sensors and our shitty methods gave us shitty data and YOU PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN SUGGEST WHAT THE CONCLUSION IS????????? fuck me dud#i was already in a poor mood (normal mental illness plus i had found out my uncle died like three days before#like i had talked to him just last month. never had someone i know die before. sucks) but that shit pissed me off
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Y’know sometimes I forget that it is Not a good idea to talk mental health stuff with my mom because This Is My Mom We’re Talking About 9 times out of ten reasoning with her is like talking to a brick wall
#꒰🥀꒱ ❝ Tragic Prose ❞#waiter! waiter! more late night venting#le sigh. sorry for the little rant I just need to get this out of my system so I don’t go to bed irritated#so before I hit the hay I tried bringing up the possibility of me having OCD to my mom#she immediately rebutted saying ‘no you don’t. when’ve you ever done something over and over again’#or something to that effect. can’t remember her exact wording#so I tried to bring up a common compulsion I have (the bathroom has an ant probelm so I get worried that ants get on the towels)#> (and when I wipe myself after shower I could get ants all over me)#and she dismissed THAT again saying I just have anxiety and ‘if I [really] had OCD I’d clean the shower’#so then I remembered who I was talking to and dropped the subject#Y’know chances are she’s probably right. I probably might not have OCD and I just have a slightly more severe than usual case of anxiety#I mean she’s a gigantic basket case (I can see where I get it from) so she has to know what she’s talking about#but ugh. I really wish she wasn’t so quick to be dismissive#it’s stuff like this that makes me want to avoid talking about my mental health with her like the plague#okay rant over I need to go to bed it’s almost midnight#as I write it’s 11:37 pacific time so if you’re up right now and reading this. go to bed
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