#i needed to run back to my single
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multimuse writers, i have no idea how you do it. i can't manage to do mumu stuff bc it GENUINELY gives me anxiety to not have one focus. like, i mean, one blog specific for a muse. i make single muse blogs only bc i can't manage to feel content otherwise.
#⊱✿⊰ ┊ ˢʰᵉ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ⁱˢ ᵃ ᶠᵘⁿⁿʸ ᵍⁱʳˡ ( ooc )#[ im always admiring.#my friend tried to#get me to make a mumu once#i made it for half a day#and then i let it crumble#BC THE ANXIETY WAS SO#BAD FOR ME FKJFKG#i needed to run back to my single#just to feel content#tbd
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Just rewatched centaurworld with my sister, is this anything?
#i don't wanna hear any complaints about mistakes guys cause trust me i already know I don't need to be told 😔#ANYWAY this line from the general's battle song is literally SO good it gives me chills every single time 🙏#if you haven't watched centaurworld RUN to Netflix (or y'know.. your pirate ship)#savor that first watch through cause you won't get it back 🙏#cole's art#gravity falls#art#grunkle stan#stanley pines#grunkle ford#ford pines#stangst#right?#idk#guys ever since i started doing those comics I can't stop just coloring sketches with grayscale#this was going to be a fully line arted piece but then i thought about just taking it easy and.... it was greyscaled before my eyes 😔
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Inktober Day 25 - Alpha Gaming
Today I thought I'd go ahead and hunt down that new hedgehog game everyone’s so excited about, since I had a target giftcard and it's been a hot sec since I played one of these - was fully planning to hop on that cool winged shadow trend for the inktober to commemorate my success, but that changed 15 seconds into the first stage when I remembered I actually suck shit at sonic games 👍
#inktober#inktober2024#my art#doodles#shadow#shadow the hedgehog#sonic#sxsg#sonic x shadow generations#my experience can best be summarized by the first 30 seconds of playing the game#where I used chaos control for the first time and Immediately shot off the side of the stage and died#I have despite all odds gotten past the first boss#but I am well acquainted by this point with the entirety of kirk thorton's professional dying discography#shadow I think you're very cool and I'm very sorry that I'm going to make you look like an Utter fool for the entire run of the game#in fairness his stages seem way easier than the single sonic one I tried hA#i just can't fucking see where sonic is half the time in the 2d sections#maybe I need to get my eyes checked or something idk#the hogs are just moving too fast for me smh#it is nice to play one of these again though it has been a While#for reference the one and only other sonic game I played was unleashed lol#back in uhhhh#2008????#god#well glad to know my gaming hasn't improved much since then lmao
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listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.
yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?
maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".
get a better joke
#toy txt post#god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones#let it flop..........pls#internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop#i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having#1 million bajillion disclaimers#virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word#disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word#grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used#to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023#and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like#im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild#i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good'#like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you#but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches'#'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay#god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil#but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful#and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like#hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine#and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr#and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like#and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay#its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat#? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty?#you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right#stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny#whatever#if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll#i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.
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As someone who's gotten verrry good at the first two PMD games I wanted to give the input that Ingo's strategy is honestly not far off the mark- scanning for items can be very useful, especially if you happen to be a hoarder like I am and pack light for the dungeon ahead. Also yeah, starving tends to happen if you're conservative with your resources, not a big deal though usually.
Sometimes Ingo prepares so much for the dungeon ahead in anticipation of all the items they’ll need to take back with them, that it loops back around to being entirely unprepared for the long haul (<- I do this more often than I should).
Haha I make Ingo a fan of thorough exploration because I’m also a fan of doing it and I’m really the one who insists on scouring every single floor. I love looking for rare items, searching out battles with a specific pokemon to recruit them, farming treasure boxes, and razing monster houses!! So yes among that, I am also a fellow hoarder lol, and I do also pack very light for dungeons to save as much room as possible for whatever I pick up.
Hunger mechanic just really gets in the way sometimes which is why I’m looking hard for the tight belt item right now, it eliminates the hunger points going down entirely (except for a few exceptions I think?) I NEED THAT ITEM!!
#wayward’s asks#HISUI PMD AU#I always make a point to go into dungeons with only two held items and two big apples if I can help it#will bring a stun/sleep seed or petrify orb if I’m taking on a job to bring in another pokemon though but THATS IT#that is it#nothing I hate more than running out of space in my bag like ten floors in#and I NEED to find every single Gummi and take them all back to make into drinks at Spinda’s to get all my points up#can’t do that just by eating the Gummis on their own!! it’s tedious at first but it’s great when it starts#piling up the extra points on attack and defense and such
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I feel like 'Cried So Hard It Briefly Rewrote My Personality' is not the right description for what happened last night, but it was weird to be so mentally worn out that I no longer had any desire to draw or work on any creative-writing projects and so this morning I sat down and did assignments with perfect peace and focus. is this how people Normally feel as they go through life.
#news from the cupola#howEver if that's what it takes to make my brain run on a single track I do not Want it ('twas excruciating)#now. I still need to do my tasks but I also want to be drawing picture again.#I feel significantly normaler but I still do not think that Quite everything is powered back on again#maybe I'll try some low-stress mice or something tomorrow as a treat. don't want to push this too hard (brain is Tender at present)
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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#pausing my essay to make a tumblr post in the hopes it will stop my panic attack bc uhhh what do you mean its november#what do you mean time for these applications are running out what do you mean i have to write 4 essays what do you mean my brain wont work#because i have the brain wont work disorder what do you mean i have to also keep on top of my grandparents bc now that im not with them#my grandmother has essentially stopped taking her alzheimers medication and my grandfather is just lying about her condition#what do you mean i didnt get the scholarship i wanted (listen this isnt a shock to me it was highly competitive and i figured i wouldnt#get it) (BUT STILL) so now im hauling absolute ass trying to get a job where my mom works so we can share the car#and im STILL constantly thinking of my grandma who i know is miserable where she is bc theyre alone and i know theyre lonely and miss me#and theyve asked about me every single day since we got back from brasil and im trying not to feel guilty bc i know thats pointless#but its also hard not to hurt for them and also i have to WRITE THIS FUCK ASS ESSAY WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS ROT IN BED#AND SHINY HUNT BC I MISS SHINY HUNTING AND ALSO IM GETTING MY PERIOD SOON AND IM BREAKING OUT AND#I MISS MY BED AND WRITING FUN STUFF AND MY FRIENDS AND NOT FEELING LIKE AN IMPENDING CLOUD OF DOOM AND DESPAIR#IS HOVERING OVER ME AND GETTING CLOSER WITH EACH PASSING DAY#hm. not helping with getting rid of my panic attack. maybe i need. to have a small cry and then some water.#okay bye for now 🫰🥰#personal
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brought a new pc with 2 terabytes of storage and the power of a small space station last night <3 for solas <3
#IM SO HAPPY U DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND#the way veilguard isnt even hard to run but i need to be able to play the game in 9k . i NEED to see my rook's every individual pore#or what is actually the point. lol#anyway for the australian girlies id def recommend nebulapc if ur thinking of buying. esp w coupons i saved like 1k lol insanity#i only bought one harddrive so later on i could potentially buy another and have 4 tb LOL 🤪 but like girl i think 2tb is enough for now#like my current pc has literally 250gb of space. KJHDFGJKHFGKDJ#also i think i'm going to give cyberpunk another try on pc this time. it would be crazy if it STILL ran like shit after all this jgkfjgkfjg#ANYWAY. CANT WAIT TO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN AGAIN now that im not saving every single dollar or feeling guilty for any purchases that werent Thi#now i can go back to my true nature while i wait for my build to ship :) financial incompetence <3
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anyone know if bookbinding glue works on canvas? im thinking i want to add a shield to my halloween costume next year and am trying to figure out how to attach the front
#not silm#not art#halloween#first attempt w cardboard hot glue and canvas worked fairly well but the back is kind of lumpy from the glue and the corners arent great#so im thinking of doing painted canvas on book board with binding glue to adhere it#so itll be nice and sturdy#not sure how i would attach the straps though#unfortunately im too busy to do much in the way of costume upgrades rn but for next year i have a few things in mind#i definitely want to do a cloak- i saw this nice quilted fabric at joanns that could work as an insulating/lining layer to give it weight#i really want to do fake fur trim for the Fancy Himring Cloak but ill have to find something im not allergic to#idk how to do cloak clasps but the actual sewing part should be reasonably simple since its mostly one piece#just have to attach the outer layer and the lining layer and hem the thing#for the helmet im trying to find larger brads that might work to add a rotating visor#idk how to get it to stay shut though. will probably have to adjust the angle so it doesnt keep getting stuck on my nose#and so i can actually wear glasses with it and not fall down every single set of stairs like last time i wore it#anyone know if there are like. sewing patterns but for 14th century helmets?#armor wise i might actually go with the slipper top for pauldrons#would probably be decently padded#gambeson means i need to learn how to sew shirts#so maybe thatll be a few years down the line#for the shield i have one custom heraldry and one feanorian heraldry. maybe ill make two shields idk#the cuirass is going to be harder - maybe alternate a few layers of cardboard and quilted fabric? would that get too thick tho#ive tested cardboard + heavy waffle blanket gambeson and that works pretty well so maybe just go with that#maybe a cheap bookboard layer for the top?#idk how well you can paint book board though. will have to run some experiments
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ohh i think im coming to a bit of a realization actually as to why mmos are so scary when im forced to party
#its like#in a single player game i can take all the time i need to prepare myself if i have to and i know pretty much the extent of my ability/skill#but with other people (especially people i dont know) i have no idea if theyre ready or if theyre confident#so i feel like i have to sorta... carry everyone? even if im already aware that they have much more experience than me#i dont really mind the learning process of wiping until we memorize the fight i actually think its really fun#but it sorta always lingers in the back of my mind that if *I* dont play well then it might make things unfun for everyone else#which is massively amplified when most of the party are complete strangers who are also new to the content because then i *really* dont know#so i have to play really really well or else if someone has a bad time or the run goes really badly itll be “my fault”#but since im still pretty new im almost guaranteed to mess up eventually. so i guess im considering it a foregone conclusion at that point#which is apparently way too much self-inflicted guilt for me to handle. i just kinda give up before i try because i think ill cause problems#this all probably has absolutely nothing to do with how i think about myself subconsciously in general though. nope. probably not.#anyway thank you for coming to my fucking ted talk im sorry if anyone actually read all that
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Man thinking about old alters is kinda weird cause I'm sitting here like "oh I wonder what [x] would think of where I am now" and then I'm like. Oh wait, that's me. That's not some mystical spirit that was just in my life for 8 years of my childhood, that was a phase of mine that I had back in elementary/middle school, except I was having like 40 of them at once and they were all different, and now that we're fused together again, I remember every path of this life like it was the original, but at the same time I remember interactinf with... each other.. and..... now I just have like 40x the memories except I don't and.. uh... anyway what *would* [x] think of me now, well honestly i have NO idea because their life "ended" before I got a grasp of our sense of self... and that was the whole point of doing that..... and I keep forgetting that I was just... Like That for so long. Anyone get what I'm saying? (I need sleep)
#osdd#actually osdd#text#wall of text#for a bit of extra context#i'm not 'cured' or whatever#just all the alters I had back then fused back with me once I got my shit together and stopped trying to run from all my (mental) problems#throughout my childhood#i kept collecting progressively more and more alters until I decided a few years ago that I would try to#heal and discover my one true personal identity#and one by one#as I grew as a person#i began to shrink as a system#until eventually they all disappeared#even now occasionally I get one or two new ones#but mostly I'm just one single person#and I'm aware that this wouldn't work for everyone and I can't represent every system when I say all this#but I'm really proud of myself for coming this far#even though... I really miss a lot of them#they were my family...#but this is for the better I suppose...#now I'm making myself sad#I miss him particularly.... he was like a younger brother to me...#i wish he could have been around longer#damn it#i need to stop rambling now#I'm gonna cry#rest in peace#try as I might he's one of the few I can't remember his pov#well... I should go to sleep now. i'm out of tags anyway.
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i really do self sabotage when it comes to irl dating 😭💀
#spilling tea like you guys are my irls#first of all i’m chronically single#i dont do dating apps or casual sex (anymore. 2.5 years celibate by choice... which is a whole other story c: )#and second of all anytime anyone shows interest in me i am 🏃♀️💨 running away#even if they’re cool#😭😭😭😭😭#i *am* the problem. THAT i know#there’s this person who i’ve known for a very long time and they've been trying to take me out for a year#(very casually not pushy at all)#first time i said yes but my travelling got in the way. eventually we stopped talking but then we started again some time later#and when they asked to do something again - i got scared so told them i was sick (WHICH I WAS BUT HFJGJGJGJ IDK)#and THIS time he mentioned it again#and i umm didn’t respond until after 6 days#i know i know i’m awful#but here’s the thing#IM TRAVELLING AGAIN#FOR A WHOLE MONTH THIS TIME#so if it even happens it’ll be pushed back once more#but like i said we've known each other for a long time so it's always been brought up in a casual way. nothing that really screams DATE#although i can tell the tone of it is a lil more than friendly#i’m just glad he’s super nice and older than me (so he doesn’t rlly care about late replies and all that. usually when i respond late he#replies right away)#and we both keep ourselves busy with work#AND HE LIKES ANIME TOO LMFAO HE DRESSED UP AS SUKUNA ONCE#so like#i need to do better#💀💀💀💀#commitment is scary DATING IS SCARY#i just don’t want to date until i’ve achieved some personal goals but at the same time i don’t want to limit myself you know#HOWEVER i can’t have high expectations for my partner when i don’t have high expectations for myself
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How does one handle the anxiety that comes with having bugs in your room and there also having been one in your BED when you really need to sleep
#atlas adventures#my sleep schedule has been getting worse this week because every time i go in my room i find more bugs#and i have to kill every single one i find but then i get scared that there's more because they hide in the AC on my floor#i saw a stink bug in my bed and screamed before running out#it was ON MY PILLOW. NEXT TO MY FACE#and when i went back later it was GONE so now i'm SCARED AGAIN#i need to sleep. it's 8 AM
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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One of the weirdest things about finding out you're traumatized/mentally ill/neurodivergent as an adult is looking back at all the very obvious signs in your childhood and realizing none of the adults responsible for you were paying attention
#it really is a mindfuck#like all of yall were really asleep at the wheel here#me: exhibiting very obvious symptoms of neurodivergence and mental and physical illnesses#ever parent teacher coach and other authority figure i interacted with: shes just Like That.#fun fact i when i was in elementary school starting in 2nd grade id have to walk to the front of the classroom and read a section of the#board at a time and then go back to my desk and copy it from memory because I couldn't see well enough from my seat and not a single#teacher said or did anything about it until i was in fifth grade. guess who needed glasses.#like they didn't even ask they just let that happen until my fifth grade teacher was like. what are you doing. and i told her i couldn't#read the writing from two rows back and she told me to tell my mom i needed glasses#anyways ms. [redacted] you're the only valid mfer in this place#not even gonna get into the number of coaches who called me lazy or out of shape in middle/high school (even though i was playing multiple#sports a year) when i told them i couldn't breathe after running for only a minute or two. guess who has sports asthma.#maybe this is just being the middle child but like of you're not going to pay attention to me can u at least not immediately call me a liar#when i say something's wrong maybe#those aren't even mental/neurological those are very obvious and easily demonstrated physical issues and you STILL didn't say anything#not even gonna get into all the very obvious signs of mental illness and neurodivergence
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