#i need to see him mad. i need to see him pissed OFF.

[hvnlygrl]

Hiiii! Ok I want to start off by saying I love love love your work! Can you write a blurb about reader flirting with JJ to make bf!Rafe mad bc she wants his attention and wants him to take her home and give it to her rough

flirt.

pairing — rafe cameron x fem!reader

word count — 0.6k

warning — smut! minors dni

synopsis — when rafe isn’t giving you enough attention at a party, you find a way to get it yourself, even if that means going to jj maybank for it…

notes — yes absolutely yall know i love a good spicy!rafe fic hehe :) thank u smm omg ur too kind and thank u a million for the request 💌you can read a similar one-shot that i’ve written here!

join my follower celebration — until feb. 3rd!

you and rafe had gotten into a brief, meaningless argument on the way to the party, and he was making it his mission to ignore you until you learned your lesson.

you recognized his petty plan and immediately began devising your own plan, one that was sure to get you the attention you craved from the cameron boy.

the two of you walked in together, however you each went in separate directions with him heading toward kelce and topper and you going straight for the booze. you poured yourself two shots, making sure to hold direct eye contact with rafe as you downed them both. then you smiled, winked and walked over to your favorite group of pogues.

rafe listened to kelce drone on and on about his new girlfriend, eyes watching you curiously to see what type of shenanigans you were about to get yourself into. he couldn’t help the fire that began bubbling in his chest when he watched you walk up to jj maybank.

you struck a conversation with the blonde immediately upon arriving at the group.

“hey, jj!” you made sure to be animated enough that rafe would notice, but not so animated that jj would be put off or turned on.

“what’s up, y/n?” he raises a curious brow at you as he notices the lack of a certain kook by your side. “where’s rafe?”

“talking with kelce and topper,” you shrug innocently, “i need a favor…”

jj immediately picks up on the situation, “you want me to fake flirt with you to piss rafe off, right?”

“oh my god, how’d you know?”

he winks at you before moving a little closer, leaning down to whisper into your ear, “because he’s already staring at me like he wants to kill me.”

you laugh, making sure to throw your head back, letting your hand go up to very lightly touch his forearm. you’re sure not to look back at rafe, needing the situation to look as legit as possible.

rafe doesn’t bother to excuse himself from the conversation, simply just walking away from topper and kelce and heads straight to you.

jj sees him b-lining to you, deciding to give you a heads up. “bogey, twelve-o’clock.”

you nod, “thanks, jj, i owe you one!”

“anytime,” he huffs out a laugh, “good luck, y/n.”

rafe grabs the top of your bicep without saying a word, simply dragging you up to the bathroom and locking the door behind you.

“what’s up, rafey?” you ask innocently.

he pins you up against the wall, “you think you’re cute?”

“i think i’m adorable,” you wink at him, “you think i’m cute?”

he rolls his eyes at you, “you are so in for it when we get home.”

“aw,” you frown before leaning up to whisper in his ear, “i was hoping i was in for it now, baby.”

he feels himself growing hard in his shorts, his breathing growing shorter and shorter. “oh yea? you sure you can stay quiet for me?”

you nod quickly, biting at your lip, “i’m sure you can keep me quiet.”

rafe eyes you up and down, contemplating for just a second. you opted to wear a cute (and very short) dress to the party.

“take your panties off and bend over the counter,” he commands as he unbuckles his belt and drops his shorts, his hand gripping his hard cock.

you follow the instructions, one hand holding the panties out for him to do whatever he wants with them. he grabs them from your hand and shoves them in your mouth, “tap the counter twice if you want me to stop.”

you nod, heart beating loudly as you feel his hands make their way up the insides of your thighs.

you’re in for a long night.

-> back to masterlist.

[betsj]

Battle

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍵 ⋅

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍵 ⋅

��°｡🦦 warning: angry izuku, public??, degrading, pet names, maybe OOC? and smut

✩°｡🦦 summary: you threw yourself into battle, it was a risky move but it saved so many people. other hero’s were proud but izuku thought differently.

✩°｡🦦 he isn’t a minor, he’s 28 😒

Cheering erupted as the hero rose from the dust and smoke on the ground. "The heroes have done it again!" A reporter yelled above the loud crowd in the street.

You were put above the crowd, name being chanted by kids and their parents along with elders. Ochako ran over to you as soon as the hero's put you down, "Are you okay?!" Nodding with a hurt-smile, "Yes… Shoto was able to help me as well.” High-fiving him as he walked past you.

She was talking to you but it was cut short when Izuku grabbed you by your arm and dragged you off to the side of broken buildings, where multiple cars laid around and debris. Shoving you against a car, "What the hell was that?" Knitting your eyebrows together...

Izuku has never reacted like this before...

Calmly, you said, "What's the matter Izuku?" Trying to get off the car but Izuku wasn't having none of that. In a frustrated voice he yelled, "You could've died!" Eyes widening, looking around to see if anybody was peeking around corners... nobody, you thought. "I know but if somebody didn't do anything, everybody could've died." Izuku wasn't breaking.

"You need to stop throwing yourself out like that!"

Scoffing, "You cannot talk!"

Izuku and you have been together since the last year of high school. You knew everything he's been through so, he has no room to talk... "Izuku I understand you're mad but you can't be a hypocrite as well." His green eye twitches and that was the last straw.

Flipping you around, making sure your stomach was flat on the hood of the car. In a gasp, he pressed his legs against yours, using all of his strength, you couldn’t move at all. "Iz-Izuku, what're you doing?!" No answer. So you asked him again in a panicked tone when you felt him pull the zipper down. "Out here?! Really?!" Before you could push yourself up, he took your wrists with his right hand while his left worked on your hero suit.

"You're going to feel how mad," Pushing his bulge against your now exposed panties, groaning "I get when you put yourself at risk."

Closing your eyes, panting and probably drooling... you and Izuku have talked and argued about the risk of throwing yourself in danger but you didn't know it angered him this much. Believe when you say, you like when Izuku is in control but not like this... he's usually soft and gentle. Mad Izuku? It made you shutter.

Letting out a loud moan when three fingers were shoved into your now, soaked hole. Likewise, he wasted no time to start fingering and opening you but it was so rough it made you start crying. Hearing him chuckle, "C'mon don't act like you don't like this." Once he hit a spot that made your thighs squeeze his hand, he said "You're always begging me to go harder and faster, so here ya go." Shaking your head, finally looking back, "No-Not like this! Not out in the open!”

Izuku almost falters from seeing how desperate you looked for him to be softer but he couldn't, you pissed him off for the last time. You also haven’t yelled y’all safe word: hunter.

Rubbing your clit hard and in circles to ring an orgasm out. It took everything in you to overpower him. In a whimper, "At least look at me Izuku, please."

It was quiet before you felt your wrists being let go and you were put into missionary. Seeing him made you feel better... still soaking wet, so you moved your hips. "Such a whore sometimes," He grinned and smacked your pussy... his dick was already set free, seeing it made you whine.

Anytime y'all had sex missionary, you held your ankles up but not this time. Izuku had a tight grip on them, using one of his hands to align himself to your entrance, "Ready?" Nodding immediately, he laughed and pushed in quickly.

Both letting out a moan in unison. "Fuck you're tight..." He began to move and it didn't take long for him to pick up a quick pace. Hips slamming hard into your thighs and his balls were hitting your ass.

"Izuku! Oh God!" He was sweating and panting over you and his right hand left your ankle to push down on your stomach, "That feel good?" Nodding, feeling tears run down your face again, "Yes!" You didn't realize it but your own hand began circling your hard clit.

That turned Izuku on a lot.

Pushing himself to the brim, whimpering, "Oh fuck... your pussy feels so good, baby."

"Izuku, my love, I-I'm about to..." He nodded, "Come on my dick, you whore." Throwing your head back while pulling him down to kiss him. Moaning into his mouth... it took four thrusts for him to pull out and jerk himself off, finishing on your stomach.

Y’all both were panting in sync, not saying a word before you mumbled, “I should throw myself out there more if this is what I get.” Izuku sat up, glaring down at you.

Giggling, “I’m joking.” Sitting up and pulling him into a hug.

izuku mmmm

[etherealpixie8]

okay I need to talk about this bc it’s actually pissing me off 😭😭

let’s make this clear - at the end of the day what celebrities do with their lives in NONE of our business. Hugh Jackman, Sutton Foster and Debbora Lee are NOT obligated to share anything about their personal lives whatsoever.

second, there is no solidifying proof that he cheated on his ex wife. do you know how many rumors explode when some divorces and gets with someone else? Hugh and Debbora have also been divorced since 2023, so that’s a considerable amount of time to get with someone else.

“oh, she (Debbora) liked a post (posted by a GOSSIP blog abt him cheating) about it from her private instagram!” how do you know that’s her account? is there any proof of that? just because Debbora’s friend says she’s gonna “move on” or whatever does not indicate he cheated on her. it’s literally making me so mad seeing people be like “oh, leaving Hugh behind” or “deleting all my posts!” LIKE STOPPPP AND PLEASE DO UR RESEARCH.

do you know how many celebrities have cheated on their spouses? it doesn’t make it okay, but when someone ACTUALLY cheats they fan base is still there, but when it comes to Hugh and it’s a RUMOR everyone is suddenly gonna dip??? like hello???

it’s the SAME thing with Barry and Sabrina. he literally had to deactivate some of his social media bc he was receiving sooooooo much harassment for it. for something that may not even be true!!! js bc a couple breaks up doesn’t automatically mean one of them cheated 😭

guys we learn how to not spread rumors, so can we like not? leave him alone and leave Debbora and Sutton alone? if Deb actually got cheated on then that really sucks. but again it’s THEIR PERSONAL LIVES and we have ZERO credible and solidifying proof that Hugh cheated.

sorry needed to rant bc it was making me so mad.

[lets-try-to-be-normal-otakus]

"Jesus h. Christ, you would make such a good housewife wouldn't you? I bet I could just come home after work and-"

Steve removes his legs from around Eddie's waist and abruptly pushes the other man off of him, fighting the grunt of pain from the alpha's dick sliding out so quickly as much as the hurt of his words. Eddie tumbles off the bed with a flail of gangly limbs as Steve rolls to his side and starts looking for his pants.

"Wh- what??!" Steve didn't spare him a glance, just kept rummaging around for his jeans.

"I thought you were different-" he said as he finally found his clothes and started putting them back on.

"I don't-"

Steve whirls around as soon as the waistband is over his hips. "I thought you were fucking different. Preaching about saying fuck you to society's expectations."

Fuck, there was the sting of tears behind his eyes. He actually thought... "But here you are spouting-" he whips his button-up off the ground and starts putting it on. Eddie's mouth was open, doe brown eyes huge as he looks up at him from the floor. "-the same inane shit as those jocks you love to hate. I can't believe I thought-" he cuts himself off and busies his hands with the buttons, mad at Eddie, and even more mad at himself. How could he expect anything else from an alpha? Turns out they're all knotheads after all.

"Wait, what-"

"Save it. I don't wanna hear it." He paused buttoning his shirt to pinch the bridge of his nose. Don't cry, don't cry, don't give him the satisfaction of hurting you.

"No, I-"

"I said save it!" Steve snapped, breaking into an omegean growl, voice rumbling with the thunder of a pissed off omega. Voices like these were normally reserved for those hurting someone's pack or pups, and it shocked Steve to silence for a moment.

It worked as intended though, and Eddie turned paler, eyes growing wider in turmoil. "I don't- I didn't mean-!"

"Mean what? Mean to say that I'm not good for anything other than a knot-hole? Did you ever, ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe- I would ever-" he paused. "Am I just some pretty omega that needs taming so you can bend them into a skirt? Am I even a guy to you?" His voice did not break it did not.

Maybe Nancy was right. Maybe all he is is bullshit.

"No, I-"

Steve resumed buttoning his shirt with a hurried hand, cursing internally as they shook. Eddie seemed to get the memo and frantically looked around for some kind of bottom while trying to stand up. Fat chance of them continuing.

"I'm so sick, and tired of everyone's bullsh-" he cut himself off with a grimace.

"Look, whatever it is you think I think of you, it's-"

"Like what? It's not what you meant? That not all omegas want to be forced into a skirt and made to be barefoot and pregnant for their alpha?" He ignored the fact that he already had a gang of pups, and he reluctantly let them call him 'mom'.

"No- I mean, yes? I just-"

"Shut it. You knotheads are all alike. I swear- Jeff was wrong about you."

"J- what does he have to do with it??"

Steve whirled around and used his finger to punctuate his words, "Your friend said that you were different, that you were kind and sweet and caring." Steve was getting closer, and his finger was dangerously close to Eddie's chest. He could feel the heat coming off the alpha. "That it didn't matter I was a guy and omegean. He said-" Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Nevermind; it doesn't matter what he said cause he was wrong. God, you're such a fucking asshole."

With that, Steve turned around and stormed out of Eddie's bedroom. He could see the other man squawk and fumble with the clothing in his hand.

"I'm not-" Eddie called out, "Well, maybe I did but-"

Steve slammed the front door open. Dramatic? Maybe. But man he was pissed as hell and it felt good to hear the 'bang!' of the door hitting the side of the trailer. He spotted Max across the lot and cursed his luck. Of course she had to see that.

He must've paused, because suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, and he didn't even think before his body reacted. The growl that ripped from his throat could be heard just as much as the gnash of his teeth coming down in a hard bite.

His face must've been something fierce, and he watched as Eddie tumbled backward clad only in a pair of plaid boxers. Steve's plaid boxers. Fuck. He must not have grabbed them in his rush. Eddie clutched his wrist when his scrambling body found its balance.

"Don't ever talk to me again - I don't want to hear or see your ignorant ass ever again." He growled. Eddie did have a cute ass. Tiny, but cute. "Rot in hell, Eddie Munson.

He turned around before his brain could recognize the look of tears starting to form and stormed to his car. He hit the gas in reverse and entertained the idea of hitting the prone alpha. No, he couldn't protect the kids in jail. As he sped off, he made eye contact with Max and saw her face morph into something scary. He was raising that alpha right.

If he had stopped to look, he would've seen Max marching over to Eddie in the review mirror.

omega steve who hates all the feminization surrounding male omegas. no, he doesn't want to wear dresses or skirts, he doesn't want his hair long and feminine, and he's going to punch the next asshole who says they'll make a "good housewife" out of him. he's a man, designation be damned, and he wants to be treated like one.

so when he hooks up with alpha eddie for the first time and he starts spouting the same bullshit as every other small minded idiot, steve hisses and pushes eddie off of him and immediately goes on a rant that's fueled by years long frustration.

poor eddie, who's never been with *any* omega before this, is at a loss.

[super-done-dead]

screaming and throwing up!! my heart feels so heavy yet light!!

[winteriron-trash]

rdj the (whitewashed) electric boogaloo

This is a reminder to everyone who's excited about RDJ's casting as Doctor Doom that this casting is whitewashing. Victor Von Doom is a Romani character and has been a Romani character since his introduction in the 1960s. (Fantastic Four Annual #2 [1964]) Not only that, but his Roma identity and the persecution he and his family faced due to it is integral to his character, it is what forms his identity. (Books of Doom by Ed Brubaker) Even if on the off chance this casting is meant to not be Victor but instead be some variant of Tony or whomever else becoming Doctor Doom, it is damaging to the character to rob him of that important cultural background. Doctor Doom does not exist without that history. Fans have been pushing hard to cast Doom as a Romani actor for years, especially since the MCU has whitewashed other Romani characters. (Wanda, Pietro, etc) This casting is not a celebration moment, it's fucking heartbreaking that the MCU repeatedly ignores the important and nuanced cultural backstories of characters.

I know I can't change anybody's mind on whether or not you want to be excited about RDJ's return to the MCU. But I do think at the very least you should be mad that the MCU is baiting us all and destroying nuanced and interesting characters for the sake of self-referential easter eggs and nostalgia bait. Because that's what it is. Feel how you'd like to feel about RDJ's return, but personally, this is soul-sucking. I had such a deep love for the MCU as a teenager, it was obviously something incredibly formative to me, especially Tony Stark. This isn't recreating what I fell in love with the MCU for. This is turning a well-planned and artistic storyline of adaptations into cheap cash grabs and fan service. Because, I think we're past the point of being able to call the MCU an adaptation of anything. They can use existing characters' names and powers, but to say they're being properly adapted is laughable.

This is not an adaptation of Doctor Doom. This is RDJ the Electric Boogaloo because Marvel's fear of losing the interest of dedicated MCU fans overrides their willingness to tell stories that are genuine to the characters. I don't know what there is to be excited about that. The MCU has lost its authenticity and aside from a few projects, feels heartless. Every movie is a copy of a copy. This announcement isn't something celebratory, it feels like a death knell of a cinematic universe that's so desperate to cling to relevancy it's resorting to nostalgia for a character/actor who hasn't even been dead for a decade. We're not getting anything new, we're just rinsing and repeating the same song and dance.

I get it. I love Tony Stark, his death destroyed me and I to this day, rue the ending he got in Endgame. It misunderstood his arc and it robbed him of a satisfying conclusion. But the solution to that isn't dragging the corpse out of the grave five years later to whitewash an existing character with rich and interesting nuance, just to forcibly tie his existence in the MCU to Tony. Whether he is a variant or not. Why would you want someone else's fave's legacy to be destroyed simply so your fave's legacy can go on? Hell, if we were really all so hellbent on the return of RDJ and/or Tony to the MCU, we have the multiverse for a reason. There were other ways to do it that didn't whitewash and ruin someone else. This just. Isn't something to be happy about.

[stiffyck]

i am so fed up with people who think animation is just for kids im like actually BEGGING people who think this way to never open their mouths ever again like holy shit

[imavikingo]

I was thinking on when Steve lost Bucky for the 3rd time (1st when he was drafted, 2nd when he was told he was MIA, 3rd when he fell) he tried to get drunk to forget, right? If he did that then...

What did he do when he lost him for the 6th time? (4th when he escaped, 5th when Bucky was in cryo, 6th the snap)

I mean technically Bucky died twice, but Steve lost him six times already.

And of he tried to get blind drunk once of those times- did he self-harm in other ways too?

To dull the pain? He can't get drunk, he heals quickly, he can't die easily either, so what did he do?

He wouldn't want to die when he knows for a fact that Bucky is alive ofc, but I can't see him acting normally or without a little bit of reckless energy.

To dull the pain and disappoinment (he can't feel like that, that's Bucky's choice -Cryo-. But how it hurts him tho).

(unrelated to this line of thought but it is relevant to the idea regardless)

That's why I can't fathom the idea of Steve abandoning Bucky in endgame.

He lost him 6 six (6) times already and he just... Went away? To a woman he only kissed once? After all he did for him, the pain and loss?

Even if you don't ship them, you have to think that to be really ooc on Steve's part. Everything in his character arc in the MCU is related to Bucky (and loss). Yes he liked Peggy, but he didn't suffer nor mourn her the same way he mourned Bucky (She was alive, but had dementia and was also very old, and had her own life).

His feelings for Peggy were more a "what if" and lost possibilities than anything.

She was an idea, a fantasy (that's why Wanda used that when fighting with him, right?). Not something real.

He wanted to be with her, but he didn't really knew her or love her (at least I don't think so).

She was the first woman that saw him for him after all. Before everything. But that's it.

He liked her for that (and her strong personality too) but did he love her? He didn't try to get on dates after he was defrosted because he knew people would only see Captain America, not Steve Rogers. He needed to represent an ideal and knew no one would understand (the pain, loss) and have the patience to be with him. That’s why he also highlighted the shared life experience thing.

So she was comforting, reassuring in a toxic and unhealthy kind of way (memories and fantasy aren't healthy when used like that). But still a what if and lost opportunity. He had to let her go at one point. And he did(!) But they had to fuck it up…

I mean... it's the same thing when you're still hung up on an ex. You want to think of the possibilities, the what ifs, the "what could have been" But when you go back to them nothing is like you remembered, nothing is like you wanted and you are dissatisfied and disappointed.

(Because all of that was in your head, it wasn't real).

And besides, he knew she had a life of her own (a fulfilling one at that) so what, he was selfish enough to fuck that up too? Without helping HIM? Without saving HIM? Abandoning HIM? After just being brought to life? After grieving him for another five years? Bucky was his best friend, his companion, his best pal…

He wouldn't do that to him. He would die before hurting Bucky (as they already stablished for most of the fucking movies) He even was like “You don’t understand” when Peggy talked to him in the bars ruins.

I think in canon (not ooc/EG)Steve would entertain the idea, but would decide to just keep it as that: An idea, a fantasy. And move on like he already did before.

Also the idea that it was a Peggy from an alternative universe is flawed because he abandoned HIS Bucky, even if in the other universe he helped or whatever.

In HIS UNIVERSE he abandoned his best friend? Not believable. And the logic of “oh it didn’t change their timeline because it was another one” is also stupid.

They already fucked up with Steve fighting 2012!Steve and also telling him about Bucky (creating another universe more than likely). And they were supposed to be undetected. Not create new universes. Thats also why I’m so keen on the idea of Steve being in a prison or something. He already fucked up once, twice if you think he went to the past to stay.

How can he be free while fucking up the timelines? Yeah, nah.

Also… they implied Steve can’t age in a movie if I remember correctly…. How did he become old?

And the idea that he went to Peggy because “Tony told him to have a life outside of captain america” is fucked up. So what? He relates his Bucky’s existence with work? FUCK OFF. Endgame Steve is fucked up and the worst character assassination I’ve ever seen.

They were just too annoyed with the fans because we ship Stucky (even tho they used that to promote the movies in panels and stuff, hypocrites -​I remember clearly the producers? of the movie talk about gay characters and the actors talk about Stucky in those panels for then…be one of the russos in like 1 second and have that shit ass, fuck ass ending for Steve and Bucky. That shit was vile-).

im also annoyed with some people that now shit on Steve when umh… did you see the movies? The other movies? Not only Endgame? (Btw the only one that got a “good ending” was Tony because he died as a hero in front of everyone -even tho he didn’t want to help at first because he had a good life, the ONLY ONE OF THEM might I add-, everyone else got worse, is dead or they’re neglected and treated as haha funny character or haha funny moment)

Im all for ships and ideas and headcanons (even when I hate them with passion, you do you) but don’t try and use this character assassination as an excuse to shit on Steve. If you NEED to shit on a character for your ship to work, then you’re not doing a good job at it or your ship sucks. Idk what to tell you.

[jalluzas-ferney]

THOSE Ninjago fans piss me off so bad I need them to make a Steven universe typa episode where Cole marries Geo and that’s that and they can all go cry to the corner ab it 😒😒😒😒

[altruistic-meme]

i am putting Kunikida in Situations <3

[tackrusso]

show tempe gang crossover with the morris islanders would actually have been the best episode of bones ever. btw

[hana-bobo-finch]

I fucking hate miya I fucking hate miya I fucking hate miya I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH I HATE HER SO FUCKINH MUCH someone is gonna have to sedate me before I EXPLODE

[cubot]

I get alone with my thoughts for one second and then my brain goes to the VN love interest route I beat yesterday and I go, "jesus fucking christ what the fuck."

[silverselfshippingchaos]

this fandom loveesss to mischaracterize g.ladio... it's like people forget what his whole fucking dlc was about 😭

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

imo everyone on earth should be talking about Him (don't want this showing up in the tag even though it's not a diss) but everytime i go to the tag and there's only like 3 new posts i'm like. oh yeah almost no one cares except me and like 5 other ppl on here

i ran out of tags KFHSJENNXN i don't think that's literally ever happened to me before anyways don't read them because it's just me being insane as per usual

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.