#i need to print out the do it for her meme but with a bunch of nikki pictures and tape it on my bedroom wall

[designers-teaparty]

I can't believe you, a shining nikki player, have your clothes in a pile like that. What would nikki think? C'mon, the game is called LOVE nikki and you disrespect her hobbies like that? (/Lh)

No lie, I got this message, sighed, said "For Nikki" out loud and now the clothes pile is gone, thank you anon

[helslastangel]

Random Astro Observations #6

@helslastangel

Disclaimer: These are based on personal observations and experiences and may not resonate for everyone with these placements. If it doesn’t apply, let it fly 🪽

🔥 Leo sun men as fathers often make excellent financial providers but poor emotional support for their children

💧Scorpio moon women are often overprotective of their sons and very harsh or demanding of their children's love interests

🌬 Aquarius mars placements don't get mad, they get even. the definition of neither forgive nor forget

🌿 Capricorn moons pay attention to what you like and will send you relevant memes or funny videos if they like you. They love making others laugh and sharing humor is a love language to them

🔥 Sagittarius sun women with Aries placements can be self-centered in their day-to-day actions without realizing it and sometimes end up with strained friendships and issues with their siblings

💧Cancer venus men can be some of the most caring and kind if they like you, but they are also vengeful and will ruin your day on purpose if they feel like it will make their point

🌬 Libra suns are typically cheerful unless they have Virgo or Capricorn moon - those can be quite serious or melancholy. if they have Sagittarius moon they may have more anger management issues and are more confrontational in general.

🌿 Taurus sun men prefer to be chased than do the chasing. if a Taurus man is chasing you, he seriously likes you something different because they're not getting off the couch for just anybody

🔥 Aries moon and Sagittarius mercury can make anyone 2x more fiery than they would be based on their sun sign, or give an otherwise chilled-out chart a massive energy boost. I had a Scorpio sun, Aries moon, Sag mercury, Libra venus, Scorpio mars friend and she was the sweetest but most aggressive Scorpio I ever met. Nobody believed she was a Scorpio tbh her Aries + Sag energies overwhelmed the rest of her placements. I knew someone else with Scorpio sun, moon, venus, mars, and Libra mercury and they were like a huge teddy bear and kind of a pushover most of the time.

💧Scorpio risings deal with a lot of unexplained hatred from acquaintances and random strangers. Most people react to them with either love/obsession or intense anger. It can cause them a lot of anxiety and people like to pick physical fights with them.

🌬 Gemini women are extremely loyal friends besides the tendency to talk a little bit too much to one person about someone else's business. The thing is, Geminis value community and communal traits a lot. I think they subconsciously forget that their friends aren't automatically your friends too, so they do need to ask before sharing things you only wanted them to know.

🌿 Virgo suns/moon LOVE to dance, or if they can't/won't, they might either enjoy watching other people do so, or just enjoy some form of physical movement that requires some coordination and focus in some way (martial arts, boxing, yoga, Tai chi, etc). But yeah if they become comfortable around you, just like with Capricorns, you'll discover a whole other side to them

🔥 Leo venuses are known for liking gifts but tbh it's not just any gift - they want things that are high quality at the very least. Even better if it's something they can show off to others. My ex has this placement and I remember for Valentine's Day, I got him a bunch of things ranging in price, some for glamour and others because I just noticed he could use them. Yeah well, he loved the $250 gold earrings and immediately put them in and went to show his friends, and he loved the black woven bracelets because they "looked exclusive" but I found the tracksuit, graphic tees and the card with the lipstick print I got him shoved in the back of his closet. Asked about it and after lying about putting them there "just for a second to sweep the floor" he eventually admitted that because they weren't designer he really didn't want them. Lesson learned 0_0

My dad also has Leo venus and although he doesn't particularly care about things being designer or not like that, he WILL pick at the quality of anything you get him and only be happy if he can do the boomer thing where they say how "solid" something feels and how it will "last." If it's something like a book, it has to be a super popular bestselling "everyone is talking about this" title or else... yeah your gift is ending up in a sock drawer :/ lol

💧 Water moons experience a lot of guilt whenever they set boundaries with others and it's something they have to overcome as early as possible or they will suffer from a lot of headaches or stomachaches from anxiety

🌬 Aquarius sun men can be extremely toxic when it comes to wanting and chasing someone only after that person loses interest or displays nonchalance towards them. It is almost like they like a challenge to the point of manufacturing it over investing the same energy into a personal connection. The thing is, this is fun for a while but if they do it too often to too many people within a closed environment (school, activity group, work, etc), word gets around and they can often suddenly find themselves losing friends and romantic prospects. They can become lonely at that point and try to double back with their top interests, but won't admit they f*cked up. They just show up either acting as if nothing happened or being kinda arrogant about the whole thing and insisting that you're the one playing games with them.

🌿 Earth signs in the big 3 can make someone develop very peculiar ways of organizing. It can be physical objects, locations, or even just their thoughts, but they will have a whole elaborate process that can be kinda cute to watch unfold.

🔥 Fire signs in the big 3 can make someone highly expressive and have huge energy, even if they're a shy or quiet person. You'll know they've arrived at a function long before you see them and can find them in a room by just following the vibes ✨️

💧Pisces placements, especially suns, are extremely perceptive and people do not give them nearly enough credit for this. They're noticing everything and taking notes for future reference - looking like they're in the own world is just how they seem on the outside. Just because they didn't say anything doesn't mean they didn't clock your tea.

𓆩♡𓆪

↤ go back to the masterlist

[brb-on-a-quest]

Tumblr should really let you pin multiple things as a blog introduction. (I wish).

Anyway, hi, hello, (new friend?), I'm Brb/Birb/(real name redacted). I'm an almost graduated student from the general land of cornfields and more cornfields. There's not much around, that's why I'm here, lol. (Also I've met a bunch of cool people, so now I think I'm kind of stuck here - come join us!).

⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦

If you happen to be a New Person Who Has Found Me (Hello!) and You Want To Talk to Me, I don't bite, I swear. I am a Birb with the heart of a Golden Labrador Retriever. Feel free to Tag Me in any tag games or haunt my inbox. <3 Come say hi! i love friends.

((Art by the amazing @mayamohini jfkfjjfkjgjgjgjfj it’s gorgeous)

(my "character sheet" that is based on my real life attributes--yes, I did roll all of these numbers. I use canva a totally healthy amount sometimes)

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Anyway, more information y'all should know: This is the main account; I do have a sideblog. I reblog a lot of friend's nonsense, post a lot of my own even more nonsense, kind of have a whole "I want to be a hobbit living my best life somewhere not here vibe" I think. You will also see posts about things I think are wholesome/sweet, writing, psychology, fantasy, whatever fandom I'm in (or a friend's fandom),....just general nonsense I suppose. I do post some amount of life stuff when relevant or whenever I find things funny. Although the pic above is an owl, I am probably more akin to a magpie with much reblogging of things I find "shiny" to add to the chaotic mess that is my tumblr dashboard.

⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦

@brb-on-a-side-blog is also me! This was created to hopefully separate original writing content from the rest of the reblogging I do so it doesn't get buried in theory. This may not work out in theory as well as in practice, but I promise to reblog the cool writing stuff to my main blog if you don't want to have it clogging up your dash :).

There are other ones but as I am currently not using them it seems futile to put in an intro post.

⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦⚔️🐦

Tags to help sift through to find me in the hoard of posts!

#brb-rambles: Original thoughts about something (or at least as original as I can be).

#brb-(insert part of moots name here): interactions between me and said moot! I'm actually really not great at this but will get better and I forsee mass post editor being a BFF if I do this.

#brb-life: original content relating to my life/thoughts.

#brb-writes: original writing content (this will be potentially moved to sideblog).

#brb-memes (i make memes sometimes).

#brb-library: posts that are either really funny/really struck me so I'm going to save them to print out

#brb-adventures: the hopeful travel tag for some upcoming trips (either the grocery store or New York who knows).

#brb-learning-things: Things I have learned (although it's from my school/classes so questionably but I reason sourced; if it's not, I'll include source link/some kind of citation).

#brb needs a laugh check: I am joking. Please do not take me seriously.

#brb vs the call of the academia: school posting?

#brb-asks/#brb-report:s hopefully new ask tag if I can remember to add them.

#dear north canada love south canada (and associated tags I will not be typing out here) is a fun series I have with @igotthisaccountunderduress (she's absolutely cool, check her out). Again, that won't cover all the posts but again, vibes).

[cyberphuck]

Collars Dot Com Ch 2: The Hammer of Thor

(Back to Chapter One) I shut the lid on the washer, started the cycle, then leaned against it as it filled. To the left the dryer thumped steadily, sounding like a particularly monotonous wedding night.

I'd changed the sheets on the bed, stuffed my bachelor-smelling comforter in the washer, gathered up the long-neglected laundry pile, dragged the comforter back out of the washer in favor of washing the clothes first, scrubbed the bathroom, sanitized the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, collected six thousand sticky coffee mugs and empty soda cans from my desk, wiped down every flat surface, and nearly thrown up twice.

I sat down on the arm of the couch, putting a hand over my eyes to try and keep them from falling out of my skull. I smelled like bleach wipes and hangover sweat and the coffee I'd spilled down the front of my shirt two hours ago and all I really wanted was to lay facedown in bed and sleep until rigor mortis set in.

Some time between changing the pillow cases and gagging on bile, I'd opened the DoorDash app on my phone and ordered two bottles of Gatorade, two containers of fruit salad, and two more bottles of Gatorade in case the first two and the vitamin C from the fruit weren't enough to purge the tequila and idiocy from my body.

I did stupid things when I was drunk. That's what had ended my last relationship, hadn't it? I'd gone out for drinks with some of the guys from work, ended up doing jello shots with a bunch of college girls, and sent a picture of my dick to everyone on my contact list-- including my sister-- with the caption 'THE HAMMER OF THOR!'

I'd woken up the next morning with a variety of responses waiting for me. From my boss, 'you're lucky you're the only one I can rely on to turn in scripts on time,' and from Alyssa: 'I'm tired of your immature bullshit.'

My sister had sent a thumbs-up emoji.

It wasn't the first time Alyssa and me had gotten in an argument over how I spent my free time, and I thought an apology and giving her some space to cool off would keep things rattling along. Instead she dropped her copy of my apartment key in my mailbox, changed her relationship status on Facebook, and posted several memes about finding her flame and not letting anyone hold her back anymore.

Then lockdown had started, my entire department had been sent home to work remotely, all of my meals came from no-contact DoorDash deliveries, and if I wanted to hang out and drink with the guys from work, I had to do it over Zoom. I hadn't realized how much I'd relied on visits from Alyssa to motivate me to give a shit about what my apartment looked like until...

Well, until about 2pm today.

This was going to be the kick in the ass that I needed, I decided. I wasn't gonna keep the Pet I'd ordered, but I wasn't going to mix alcohol and online shopping again, either, and I was gonna clean up after myself and have people over again. Or better yet, go out. See people. Meet people. Shave every day.

Someone hit the buzzer in the downstairs lobby. I got up to hit the unlock button by the front door, got another whiff of stale coffee, and jogged into my bedroom to try to find a clean shirt so I didn't look like a complete slob for the DoorDash guy. I tossed the dirty shirt into the laundry corner, stopped, picked it up and put it into the hamper, and pulled on an ancient band tee, the screen printing long since faded away into nothing. By the time I emerged from the bedroom, DoorDash was already knocking.

Usually I only knew my order had arrived by the swish of a plastic bag being dumped on my mat and the driver's footsteps as he walked off. But I had to sign something, I guess. They'd used to make you sign for stuff, before. I turned the deadbolt and opened the door.

There was a boy standing there.

Blond hair, big eyes, freckles and a pretty mouth that was currently occupied by some kind of black rubber gag. Behind him was a man with a moving dolly stacked high with boxes labeled 'COLLARS.COM.' Behind him was pretty much every single one of my neighbors, all out to grab their mail and pick up their newspapers and check the hallway for werewolves at once.

Fuck.

"Delivery," the man said, looking supremely bored. "For--"

"Yeah, uh, yeah, come in," I said quickly, backing out of the doorway and holding the door wide. The boy stepped through first, then his chaperone with the dolly, and I thought about how I was going to have to either find a new apartment or somehow keep living in this one without ever making eye contact with any of my neighbors ever again.

The man set the dolly upright and plucked a chunky black device from his belt, shoving it at me. "Just use the pen to sign," he said, indicating a thin plastic stylus swinging from the device by a tether.

"Right, uh, so, there was kind of a--" I began weakly, trying to give the device back.

"Hit 'enter,'" the man said. The boy had been wearing a sort of black smock, tied at the back, and his chaperone was taking it off. The black pants came off too, and the boy was very much wearing absolutely nothing underneath them.

"This was-- I can't--" I tried again.

"Arms out," the man said to the boy, holding up his phone to take a picture. "Alright, turn." He glanced at me. "Press the pen down harder if it isn't doing it," he said.

"There has been," I said slowly and firmly, "a mistake."

The man looked at me. I looked back at him.

"Are you Brian Stink?" he asked.

"It's 'Stynch,'" I said automatically. "Listen, I bought all this by accident, I didn't really mean to--"

"The return policy is on the website," the man interrupted. "Can you sign the thing? I've got other deliveries."

"But I can't." A misshapen silence popped between us; I'd been expecting him to cut me off again. "I can't, uh, take him, really."

"I can't put him back in the van," the man said. "I've already sent Proof of Delivery to the dispatcher, and I can't just stick him back there while I finish all my other deliveries. By the time I got him back to the hub, all the handlers'd be gone for the day. Sign," he enunciated, "the thing."

"Alright, fine, fuck," I sighed, scribbling something approximate to my signature on the heavy device and watching it struggle to accept my name with technology from 1992. I slapped it back into the man's hand, trying to show my severe annoyance with him. He wasn't phased. "I'll see you again tomorrow when you come to pick him up," I told him.

"I'm off tomorrow." He yanked the dolly out from underneath the tower of shipping boxes and turned to let himself out. "Enjoy your purchase and have a nice day."

I glared at the closed door for a while, entertaining all my fantasies of letting his employers know I was Very Offended and that they had better do something to make up for it, and receiving an email from the CEO begging for my forgiveness.

Maybe even a phone call. We're so sorry. We're so sorry. The mean delivery driver has been reprimanded and fired-- no, that was too cruel, not with the economy the way it was. He probably had a family to feed. We have sat him down and told him he has been a Very Bad Boy. Yeah.

I locked the deadbolt. And the horse you rode in on, I thought viciously, turned around, and remembered there was an extremely undressed Pet standing next to my shoe rack. The room congealed around me a little, going from the hot soup of righteous anger to the greasy leftovers of what the fuck am I going to do now in an instant.

God, he looked good.

I had been expecting him to be a little plainer than the profile picture I'd glimpsed in a drunken haze the night before. Nobody was supposed to look as perfect as their headshots, that's what Photoshop was for. But there he was, smooth and blemishless, the same buttery curls, the sprinkling of freckles like cinnamon on a macchiato. The mouth, which was still stoppered by the rubber gag whose straps were beginning to leave red marks in his cheeks. He swallowed awkwardly around it and looked at me.

I stepped forward, reaching behind his head and feeling for a clasp. The strap was stiff and new, the price tag still stuck across the cheap plastic. "This thing smells like a used tire shop," I muttered, picking the tag off and undoing the buckle. "Probably tastes like one too."

I pulled the gag out of his mouth. It was a couple inches long, wet and slick where it'd been pressing against his tongue. I wrinkled my nose at it and set it on top of the boxes. They could take that back, too. "How long have you had that thing in your mouth? Do you want a glass of water?"

The boy's mouth puckered; he wiped saliva off his chin with the back of his hand. "Yes, please."

I went to the kitchen, took down a glass, turned on the tap and let in run until it was cold. My coffee mugs were still piled in the sink, looking at me accusingly with sticky eyes. I ignored them and returned to the living room to find the boy standing just where I'd left him.

"Here." I put the glass in his hands. "Come on and sit on the couch."

I discovered, then, that it was possible for someone to sensually drink a glass of plain tap water. The movement of his throat and the sound of his swallowing was almost obscene. Maybe it was just because he was naked, or because I knew what he was for, but the lovely pink mouth was definitely in the lead for 'reasons I was about to make decisions with my dick.' I knew, when I reached out, that just touching his mouth wouldn't be enough. I promised myself I just wanted to feel the shape of it, his lips against the ball of my thumb, but I had wanted that mouth since I saw it on the website, had clicked yes and yes and  yes because I hadn't cared what I'd have to pay to get it. I cupped my palm against his cheek and he leaned into it, looking at me, and I was pushing forward without looking at the price.

I kissed him because I wanted to feel the softness of his lips, the texture of them against my tongue, the sweet sound as we parted. There was a little hesitation when he opened his mouth to mine, as if he wasn't quite sure of it, like the sensation of my tongue against his was new for him. I held him still with a hand against the nape of his neck, where the finest curls of his hair tickled against my fingers, and let him get used to what it felt like to be kissed by me.

By the time I let him go, his breath had gone a little short and there was color in his cheeks and down his neck to his collarbone. His lips were still slightly parted, and I slid my thumb into his mouth. He made a soft sound as I pressed down on his tongue and bottom lip. He made that sound again when I pulled him forward for another kiss, and he slipped off the couch and down to his knees in front of me before I could even form an image of what I wanted.

Now he was looking up at me through his eyelashes and wetting his upper lip with his tongue. I took his chin in my hand because-- I don't know, I wanted to look at him, wanted to stay in the moment of anticipation forever, but with my other hand I took out my stiffening cock for him because I wanted it in his mouth.

He took the head between his lips, delicately, like kissing the first bite of a ripe peach, tongueing the flesh. He took the shaft in his hand and drew upward and I felt a throb of pleasure, my cock bobbing when he pulled away. He looked up at me again and I watched him take me into his mouth in one long, delicious slide, lips and tongue working as he sucked. He lifted his head, taking in a breath, then down again and I could feel myself in the back of his throat. Another shudder of pleasure, releasing in a groan.

I leaned my head back, listening to the sound of his mouth on my cock and riding each rise in tension, each a little bit stronger, a little bit longer than the last. I held my breath to make the pleasure hit deeper, letting it out when I was coming close to the edge. My back and thighs were tensing, wanting to thrust upwards; it began as a soft rhythm, then grew more and more insistent until I braced a hand against the back of his head to fuck his mouth.

I twisted my fingers into his hair, fucking into the friction I wanted, faster and harder, trying to come up short before I climaxed but tumbling over the edge anyway, coming hard with a hoarse, cracked groan.

I felt him swallow twice, then wrap his fingers around my aching cock and pull slowly upwards. I sucked in a breath, wincing, and put out a hand to stop him before he yanked my organs out of my body. "Enough," I panted. "Enough. I'm done, I'm good." He let me go. I took a few more steadying breaths, blinking up at the ceiling,  and alternated saying "god" and "fuck" a half dozen times until I was able to think clearly again. It might have been several hours. I don't know. When I finally pulled myself together, I looked down at him still kneeling there.

"So," I said. "What's your name?"

He smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. "My name is Ren." Kofi - Donate - AO3

[maerynaire]

Who the fuck is this. Do they just give any dude who went through a frat in an ivy a government job? This guy looks like what would happen if you layered 2000 images of a dude named Paul on top of each other. This guy looks like every manager at an Albertsons rolled into one. This guy looks like at least five dudes I went to high school with, all of whom are into finance. Who the actual hell is he? Why is he there? Why does he care who's having productive sex? Who keeps voting for these loud perverts who turn their weird complexes about sex into everyone else's problem? The man is a stock image with bad opinions. They can't keep just stealth launching these tire-store-owner-adjacent subpar ass politicians with weird ideas and not telling me. I keep up with politics. This man fucking spawned from the Dick's Sporting Good abyss with a weekend family, a desperate fear of appearing gay to older men, and a dream in his heart. A dream to get the men of America to shoot fat hot steamy loads into their wives. Just search creampie on Google Images like an actual adult you junior varsity dropout little cretin. If I had a dollar for every random ass politician who just fucking manifested with a stupid fucking idea and a face that looked juuust Ryan Renolds-adjacent enough to be able to appeal to gen X pinterest moms I'd have enough money to campaign for a cushy senate position myself. Did the copy printer that makes shitty dudes get jammed and just print out a bunch of the same guy and the government decided to just go with it because nobody wanted to go out and get another ream of paper? Jesus fucking christ you can't keep doing this to me. Who the actual fuck is this man? Where did he come from? Did you grab a guy walking across the parking lot of a Cabela's on his way to look at getting his fourth boat on his 2/5th life crisis? This is a guy who's afraid of smiling at in public on his own because he's worried he'll look kind of gay. This is the kind of guy who thinks watching his own kids is 'babysitting'. This is the kind of guy who turns whatever poor woman he suckers in to marrying him into a 'Live Laugh Love' type who takes out her frustrations with his boring, carbon-copy ass on Starbucks baristas. Why? Who voted for him? What was his platform? 'Hey look at me I only use slurs in private'? 'Here's a picture of me on a 4-wheeler I don't know how to drive, vote for me'? 'I'm the only person here with a name that isn't hard to pronounce for someone who's grasp on the international ends in fucking Toronto'? He has the name and general aura of a guy who sells furniture the same way a shady used car salesmen would and thinks that pressuring someone into buying shit just to make him go away makes him a good salesman. This is a guy who doesn't have any friends he talks to on weekdays. He's the type of guy who's randomly confrontational with people that he knows he holds power over but then sheds actual factual tears the second someone who looks kinda like his dad doesn't acknowledge his "achievements". This is the kind of guy who reposts tough guy skull memes on Facebook and tries to project an image of a hard-working red-blooded American who struggled every step of his life and takes no shit from no one when his general fucking existence has been that of a rich heiress's purse chihuahua. Complete with the over-inflated sense of self-superiority and lack of awareness of how nonthreatening he actually is. Only unlike a chihuahua, he doesn't possess any measure of the confidence that breed of dog has. Holy fucking shit do we need a whole initiative to curb this obviously invasive species?! They can't just keep getting away with this!

I know this is bold of me to say but I don’t think people who can’t or don’t want to have children should be disenfranchised and anyone saying they should be is a danger to society.

[the-firebird69]

We do have a couple of projects to announce and today is their kickoff they were mentioned yesterday

##construction of campgrounds rather big ones and it's a major request right now there's a lot of people requesting it huge numbers all over the world and we are going to try and set them up and requests are coming from a wide variety of groups and they want campgrounds everywhere for some reason and basically they're tired of driving around and going to hotels where everybody's mean to them and they do know how to do it they can fly in there camper no I have to drive it from a local area but they do that a lot and are too tired to drive home and fly cars are being grounded by them each other yep they're in peeing himself so we have several requests one of them is by Paris Hilton and she's played by a few people now mainly people think it's Sarah but it's not and he sort of got the name somehow not really sure how it's not Lindsey he remembers something about it she did an accident pretended she was her and now it's stuck so he says under one condition did he gets to name it hellbottom she says no I know other stuff then he says okay then how about under four conditions is it punishment now so I'm just kidding but really everybody needs a campground and what did the associated with the Hilton chain which last I known was stuck in the closet come stuck in the positive Trump and she says it's still stuck there and you know who I am by meme so that's fine and she says yeah so how'd you like to have some huge giant as a silent partner in the Hilton hotel chain so she says good that sounds nice in the campground of course we can build we're talking to them already and they're sounding please we have a bunch of questions and it should be answered and a good question and locations quantities Good Sam is very recommended and you can reserve for your people as priority it's not really part of what they do our son is correct they have a quality standard and they make people hold to it and you can say we have to to keep our Good Sam rating and it works most of the time and she's smiling cuz you know about it and she knows about it but still it was atmosphere is very helpful and she likes it and good it would be some way of people remembering in a kind of an offhand way it's not like everybody's going to run around knowing what the name of it is and stuff so she likes it too and there's probably about 50 of them she wants to start and that's pretty healthy in a certain area and density too and she likes your idea of landscaping and things like that because otherwise it's a dump and they're going to go ahead and sign a contract and there going to do there own work after they like to hear it the maintenance contract and things like that and if it's done very well and it is no joke they take it very seriously so it's good business and it started up already from yesterday's announcement and we have people who have been working on that for a few years and we started to mention it and it's going to work we have several other projects to mention and we will in a moment right now we're going to print

Thor Freya

I don't necessarily want my name or image associated with it it's going to be a campground not a campground and resort and we'll have features and such but it won't be parasilton level so his gray and smiley and laughing because he's saying can it be Paris Hilton size and with a graduated scale because none of that stuff's working and people be moving up the ladder and naturally they are already it's not working so great but it works and it's better than nothing which is what other people will offer they don't have ideas but you're saying is if it's really me and there were a couple running around I found that out he's a wicked adversary was screwing around with you all the time I like the idea have a really nice clubhouse and you have to pay a fee to go there to restaurant and a lounge probably a putzer I can break the concept in it says if the name is there that we would pay for them for a certain amount of time for the first 50 and that's a deal. I kind of like it and your sister would like it too yes you love that look at the putzers putzing that one's got a real Potter that was a real pleasure putzer actually the last word there and oh it's granddaddy the other side the real putts that's how it is. So before you return to your normal stuff keep in mind I'm intrigued with this idea and I might hound you for more information call what you say is no escaping the hotels it's kind of was thinking in the hotels are madness you go to the campground and it's kind of similar but you can easily find a spot that's what it really is and who says that that science you man by size he meant the sun there would be a small clubhouse place for a different levels of camper it's really how much you pay and I haven't seen it recently I have seen it recently yes and I agree that there'll be a level of standard that's not hard to meet it's all the same materials and stuff to build it's just a regular maintenance and cleaning and it stays looking pretty Sharp company like KOA used to have that they would always have a nice main building people could meet bring their own stuff and it was great I want that too and he says you make it next door to each other like we do in our kind of sleazy places it's true keep me in mind that each place will have a decent liquor store so really they're going to buy it there but not too much more and a bunch of it and then swing in and hang out and they'll get special new drinks for food it's a great idea and those stupid things and not a lot of people traveling there full of energy for it and finishes a disaster those who've tried are always chuckling the camper has to be destroyed. It's gross it stinks so bad my eyes were watery after one day. In business I'm around a lot of odors some of the pretty pungent but boy is that awful. Someone ruined one of his dad's camper and people think it's this idiot Jerry chasse it's true his mom was cooking it cuz they're suggested it. I'm looking forward to this idea and we have to print just more ideas of course the parts are great and I know who the guy is he look like a pot grandpa will get him stuff he says if it works then we'll be like funding it and people want to see us do that he's laughing and says oh a full book boat but really when you're a kid these days they take care of that stuff but not in the old days so he's laughing again saying yeah we had you working just like us so I'm going to go ahead and that was Biden and I'm going to start hiring people to get this going

Paris Hilton

So we're going to print

Thor Freya

I got to tell you you can hear me but these are good ideas they're so places like it you have big nice picnic areas in each area and different neighborhoods some people like street signs I prefer the wooden ones there's a classy wooden one it's good these are ideas and it's nice too resort stuff that the big one haircuts manicure like refresher drinks skin treatments need all that and you're out on Safari so if you want to do it so he says I thought of the putter and these guys will do it even though they're shrinking they have business and they talk business pretty much what they do and pair of Hilton says I'm doing that too. When he wants her to come up with an idea like that it is for entertainment there's outdoors and people like to go out the doors for their outdoors and she'll probably have a campfire area so it's safer and so the wind blows it away from the camp and it's controlled he agrees with that I guess we could have a barbecue grills and things like that that are made out of stone two things that's pretty cool and you have like a little counter thing it is a nice idea. An outdoor thing like we have in the mall and she says I'm going to know about it you know about it not yet nobody I'm going to send that but they have the grill you have like a fridge you can lock and be let go it'd be like a new combination lock and do it electronically and that will be so high rollers they can cook outside they can barbecue good have like a full thing and then you go down like a run and have some of them and then a lower level one and you have like a real trim down version and a couple and a bunch of charcoal or wood grills I'm sorry that worked real well for him too that one in New Hampshire was hell there's so much damn smoke Tommy F could have kidnapped everybody but he couldn't find his way in it's not even with gear. I also have ideas to see these vehicles giving people rides and they're not really the concierge but you need one or two like a train then you pick people up right at their lot then they go to the clubhouse so we're going to go ahead with this and we have a group talking to her and I'm probably in that group and he says as who as you'll have to see okay how are we going to do that I don't know how you going to do that

Hera

Anyways Paris you can make the s'mores class and I think I'm going to do that

Paris Hilton

I'll tell you what you better find out how to get here he says it's not who did it last time and I'm not Houdini so I don't have any money so I'm going to have to help out and he says good never mind that piece of trash

Hera

[aerinis]

Doing my belated 2023 art review. Putting it below a read more because a lot of stuff happened this year and some of it is kind of heavy.

2023 was a pretty good year for me, both personally and artistically. I had a couple of annoying minor medical issues that I'm still dealing with, but I'd say I was able to maintain my goal of drawing at least one little doodle a day for most of the year. I will say though that the vast majority of what I drew this year - probably like 95% - was personal art. Hopefully someday I'll be satisfied enough with it to post it. I'd also like to spend 2024 focusing more on painting and practicing landscapes. I spent the first three months of the year working on a piece for a local art gallery competition, which actually ended up getting accepted and subsequently spent the rest of the year touring around the state in several different exhibitions. That introduced me to the wonderful world of trying to figure out how the hell digital prints and shipping work, but everything turned out fine in the end. It remains the largest piece I've ever made at 18"x24", and hopefully once I get it shipped back to me I'll be sending it off to my parents. I also found out that I HATE writing artist's statements, like fuck off you don't need to know my background, just interpret the piece however. I'd like to post here, but I want to make sure first that it hasn't been uploaded to the internet by any of the galleries since I'd like to keep my personal info off this blog lmao What's funny is that I feel like I've come so far as an artist ever since I submitted that piece, that every time I look at the B-grade prints I have lying around I'm like "oh my god this looks terrible, I can't believe this got accepted". I guess that's just what being an artist is like Following that, I took the next month off from art, which was a nice little break. I did a bunch of art parties in FFXIV, which are always great for improving, because as counter-intuitive as it seems the best way to get good at art is to be forced to draw a whole bunch of different things under strict time limits. I feel like I can definitely see my lineart improving as the months go on. I also started working more with color, my eternal nemesis, and I'm hoping next year I can really start to nail down a style. I did Art Fight for the first time ever in July and it ROCKED, definitely going to do it again this year and I'm still pretty proud of the drawings I did. I love an event where it's socially acceptable for me to draw people's OCs. I think I'll probably focus on doing more WoW OCs this year. Unfortunately July is the busiest month for me at work, where I'm waking up at 5AM for basically the entire month straight and working in 100+ degree weather, so we'll see if I can maintain the energy for it.

And now the heavy stuff. Some of you might know that I'm pretty involved in the secret finding community in WoW, and back during BFA when we spent 11.5 months trying to find Jenafur, I did paint-overs of a bunch of cat memes to try and keep spirits up during the hunt. Unfortunately, the Make-A-Wish kid who created the pet ended up passing away in April. You can read about her life here in this article that will make you want to guillotine a chemical executive, and this older interview from 2020 about the secret. But what really got to me was this one line from the PCGames interview:

And like, I don't want to be presumptuous but like. I think she was talking about my art. Every time I posted on she'd comment on it, and she even DMed me about them. This line fucking destroyed me. I'm not even going to exaggerate. For several days after we found out about her death I was a wreck. The thought that my silly little drawings actually had an impact on someone and made their life a little brighter just ruined me. The bill she was fighting for ended up passing, and I hope that someday the idea of 'forever chemicals' will cease to exist.

Downer ending but I'm kind of too bummed out to write more

[mlm-writer]

Well, That’s Fruity (Peter Parker x M!Reader)

Pairing: Peter Parker/Spiderman (TH ver.) x Male Reader (trans-friendly) For the pride prompt: And they were two closeted roommates trying to figure out if the other is gay without exposing themselves Rating: Mature for one gay porn reference Words: 609 POV: Second Summary: Your floormate is cute and you want to knwo if he is gay or nah. Peter also has a cute floormate and also wants to confirm if he is gay or nah. Notes: Happy Pride! See all works for pride 2022 here. I know a lot of things are based on stereotypes, but listen- most of them are true Tags: gay stereotypes, one gay porn reference, fluff, college AU and could be read as platonic 

There were many things you were ashamed of; not being straight was not one of them, but that did not change the fact that being in the closet was just safer, especially when you just moved in with a bunch of strangers in a dorm. Faith would have it though that one of your floormates was this perfect twunk with a nice butt and a cute face. And you swore it was not like you had wishful thinking, but there was something fruity about Peter Parker. Your gaydar always tingled around him, but no full on alarms were raised just yet. 

You found him one late night in your shared living room. He was on the couch, slouched and folded in some position with a printed article in his hands. You could see some sentences highlighted in the same colour as the marker he was holding between those soft-looking lips. Sitting gay? Check. 

“Also burning the midnight fuel?” You inquired, before sitting down on the couch across from him with your laptop. He looked up from the paper in his hands and slowly pulled the marker from between his lips with an affirmative hum. Was he trying to make you think of those lips doing things elsewhere? He pulled out one of his earphones as well.

“I got an essay due at the end of the week and I am not even halfway,” Peter huffed as he put the marker on the table with his other stationary. “So what are you working on?” He nodded towards the laptop. You looked down at it, seeing that empty presentation staring back at you. 

“Something that I should have started a week ago,” you sighed. You both got comfortable on your respective couches. “What are you listening to? I could use some new jams to study to.” He plucked his phone out of his pocket, showing he was listening to a song of Ariana Grande, which you knew was not a title track. That was fruity, but straight men listened to her too. 

“You know the song?” He inquired. You nodded. He hummed in reply. A silence formed between you two as you got to work. After an hour, Peter stood up. “I’m gonna make some coffee, do you want some too?” You gave him a thumbs up, without looking up from your screen. “I’ll take mine iced. Do you also want it iced?” 

“Hell yeah,” you replied without thinking. It took a good few minutes before you realised what he had said and asked. Iced coffee? While it wasn't even that hot outside, nor an appropriate time for it? Well, that’s fruity. When Peter came back with a glass of iced coffee, you decided to throw caution to the wind. “Hey, I need a fake name for my presentation. John Doe is a little overused, so I was thinking of making up something.”

“You may use my name,” Peter offered as he sat back down and sipped his coffee. 

“No, it needs to be fake. What do you think of Sean Cody?” That made Peter spit his iced coffee all over his once white shirt. 

You gasped and pointed at him. “So you are gay!” 

Peter coughed and gasped for air. “So are you!” He wheezed out, pointing right back at ya. 

You started laughing. “Oh my god we are like that Spiderman meme,” you tried to say through your giggles, while Peter was still recovering from choking on iced coffee. 

“Wait, you know I’m Spiderman too?” He spoke, strained and red in the face. 

You stopped laughing, mouth hanging open as you turned your head towards him. “Excuse me, what?”

Please reblog to support me and motivate me to write more content

[hyperfixations-and-hecticness]

BNHA Class 1A girls in a relationship with a shy fem!reader:

Mina

- Mina is not shy, to put it lightly. Dating her is like that meme like, ‘I said I didn’t want any pickles’ ‘SHE ASKED FOR NO PICKLES!’.

- She does find it adorable when you’re shy around everyone. She likes outdoorsy dates but she’s 100% willing to compromise. Movie dates instead of things where you may have to talk to a bunch of other people, she takes you to art galleries when they’re half empty so you can enjoy the art together.

- She will hype you up to her friends and do some of the talking for you cause let’s be honest, the bakusquad is perhaps not the best friend group if you’re shy.

- She really doesn’t mind if you’d prefer her order for you or if you just kinda sit there with the group, holding her hand while everyone is chilling. She’s a big people person so she can handle that extra socialising, especially for her lovely gf.

Momo

- Momo doesn’t mind a shy girlfriend at all. She isn’t exactly shy, herself, but she isn’t particularly outgoing. She likes pretty quiet dates anyway, so that works for her. She’s also on the taller side so you can hide behind her.

- She feels really honoured that you warmed up to her at all, especially enough to call her your gf.

- She’s pretty comfy just in your company so if you don’t like too many people in your vicinity at all, she’s perfect for you. She is both super rich and has a love language of acts of service so she likes taking you to those fancy ass restaurants where there’s practically nobody else there. She will book out an entire movie theatre.

- You help her gain a lot more confidence in herself because she sees herself as a protector of sorts, she speaks out cause she doesn’t want you to have to. Also she’s super badass so while you may be quiet as a duo, you certainly aren’t weak.

Jirou

- My girl is in the punk scene, she deals with all kinds of people. My personal HC about her is she’s one of those people where the gang can need like someone who can print fake IDs and she’ll know a guy. Need tickets to a fancy ball? She knows a guy. She somehow knows likes everyone. This also means she knows places to take you that are low-key.

- She’s pretty quiet and she’ll make playlists for you so you can listen to them and have an excuse not to talk to people.

- She floats between groups to a certain degree, I mean we don’t really see her with the Bakusquad that much in canon. I feel like she hangs out with a lot of different folks and so I’m sure she’ll introduce you to people who are easy to talk to. This emotionally healthy girl knows that helping you make friends and connections outside of being with her is important and healthy. She also knows that sometimes you gotta build those relationships slowly and she’s willing to help you along the way.

- She loves really out-there dates. Like the most eclectic stuff: she’ll take you to abandoned buildings to explore, to cool out-of-the-way record stores, music gigs and art house movie screenings.

Tsuyu

- Actual sweetheart, she will introduce you slowly to the Dekusquad. Iida is low-key creepy intense about helping you overcome your shyness but at least you’ve got Deku as a fellow shy squad member. She’s just sweet and lets you grow closer with them on your own terms. We love a supportive gf.

- She really likes calm, as much as she loves being with people so it’s nice for her to have a gf who she can take to picnic dates by a lake. It just feels so peaceful and loving.

- She has such a loving aura that makes it easy to talk to her. And she’s so happy to be dating you, it’s endearing. Feel like a burden so you don’t like talking to people much? Not on her watch. She makes it a mission to make you feel loved.

- She’ll take you to to the aquarium on dates, read books with you, support you through everything. She genuinely is so nice that it’s hard to he stressed out around her. She’ll arrange dates that will slowly build up your people tolerance. She know what it’s like to be judged prematurely just cause she’s got a mutant based quirk. She knows that it can be hard to overcome shyness but she also knows that friends are some of the most important things and she’ll help you find at least a few.

Hagakure

- It’s pretty tough to be shy and invisible. She’s learnt to be upbeat and more noticeable. Downside of having an invisible gf is you can’t hide behind her slightly when meeting new people.

- She does understand that being shy can be super tough though, it can make you feel a bit unnoticed and sometimes kinda insecure. But she is here for you! She will help you build up your confidence, roping Ojiro into socializing practice with you to help you practice talking to folks you don’t know very well with someone non-threatening.

- She’s incredibly supportive of you. All the girlies are. She just does it in the most adorkable, tropey way. She’s a huge romantic, she’s watched all the classic romcoms. You’re the classic shy girl which makes her the hottie you end up with at the end of the movie with a beautifully filmed kiss in the final shot.

- She’s a big fan of coffee dates. So casual yet so intimate. Perfect. She’ll find the perfect local cafe for you two because her lovely gf deserves nothing but the cutest coffee date. You don’t like coffee? Don’t worry, they have all sorts of baked goods there. You’ll love it.

Ochako

- Another literal sweetheart. I mean she easily made friends with Deku so I’d say she just kinda collects shy folks. She’s so bubbly and upbeat, she just radiates ‘you can lean on me’ energy. She’ll introduce you to her friends with the cutest smile on her face and if you don’t want to meet them, that’s cool too! She knows those guys can be a bit much (looking at IIDA, I love him but he’s one overdramatic bastard).

- I just KNOW she gives the best hugs. Stressed out? An Uravity hug will cure ALL. Sad? Hug. Happy? Yeah I think you’re gonna need a hug anyway just in case.

- If you’re pining pre-dating and too shy to talk to her or something like that, no worries. She will befriend you. She’ll do it so subtly and slowly until you’re a part of the Dekusquad? Love to see it. Don’t worry, Todoroki will set you two up. He’s secretly a huge shipper, I’m sure of it.

- She gets it if you don’t like PDA so she’ll stick to just holding your hand when you guys are walking down the street. She loves cliche dates, often they’re affordable but carefully planned. A walk in the park when the baby goslings that live there have just started walking, that kinda thing.

My first ever request on this blog for @blue-boots-super-glue ! I hope you like it. I just did the class 1A girls as I know them the best.

[erika-being-erika]

More levihan reccomendations!

Part 1

• One Last Time by PiercingThePage

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levi & Hanji have been dating for about 3 years in highschool. He starts to have feelings for one of the pretty girls names Petra Ral. After he starts cheating on Hanji with her, he decides he wants out of the relationship. Until the day he decides to tell her, ends up being the day she tells him that she's pregnant. Will they make it out well, or will Levi start to realize he is becoming his own dead beat dad

• Having My Baby by Countess_Dorkula

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Another SNK Kink Meme fill. Follow Levi and Hanji as they go through the marvelous adventure towards parenthood.

• catch me if you can by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapter || on going]

Summary:

The Ackerman duo. Just the mention of this name filled Hange with so many feelings. Mostly, when she reread the files of their cases over and over, until her eyes watered, she felt pricking annoyance. Sometimes, when she stared at the dead bodies of those scarce unfortunates who stumbled upon their crimes, she was filled with hatred and a pushing need for revenge. Hange couldn't deny, however, there were times when she marveled at the impudence of their crimes. And, when she was investigating the Ackerman's cases and saw just how meticulously planned they all were, she couldn't help but feel something close to fascination.

No one knew who they were. No one had seen their faces, no one knew their true names. Almost everyone knew of their crimes.

Hange was determined to unravel every last one of their secrets. She will put an end to their crimes and then she will get the elusive Ackermans behind bars.

• Partners by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

When Petra was promoted to a detective and partnered up with legendary Levi Ackerman, she felt like the happiest person in the world.

But, as she soon found out, detective Ackerman she used to admire so much was actually a far cry from the ideal policeman Petra thought he was. He was rude, harsh and easily annoyed.

And, in addition, he still hadn’t moved on from the death of his previous partner - detective Hange Zoe.

• can't keep my hands off you by fanmoose12

[Multi-chap || completed]

Summary:

Hange, Levi and their not so secret relationship.

• Looking for You by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Returning from a long mission, all Levi wanted was to spend sometime with Hange. But instead he got a message from Erwin, urging him to come to HQ. There he found out, that Hange was missing for over a week and that his new mission is to partner with Moblit, Hange's loyal assistant, and together find and bring Hange home.

• A Tale of Two Slaves by TundrainAfrica

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

"Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn't exist. Everything's a choice. And Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him."

Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn't.

• Free-Falling by djmarinizela

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Skydiver and tea shop owner Levi Ackerman meets the town’s resident mad scientist and tries to convince himself that he's not falling for her.

• All of Me by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

By the time they reached the trees, Sylvia's sides were heaving, her flanks covered in sweat-foam, but they couldn't afford to stop; two titans had become more. Hange refused to look behind her, but she could tell by the way the ground shook that one of them was at least a 13-meter class.

And all she had with her was one blade and a horse who was about to drop dead of exhaustion.1

• Dreams May Not Come True by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levihan. Hange knows something is wrong when she goes down to breakfast one morning and the smell makes her stomach churn.

• Something Like Destiny by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Reincarnation AU. Zoë doesn't have dreams; she just knows.

• A Dangerous Game by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

A snk 1920′s AU:

Sina is wild, crowded, bursting with industry. Home to jazz, fashion - and corruption. Crooked politicians, dirty police, and powerful gangs have turned the city into a cesspit of violence where the powerful rule. At the center of the chaos are the Ackermans - one of the most powerful gangs in the city, Mayor Fritz - who is as corrupt as he is wealthy, Erwin - a police commander determined to weed out the corruption in his own department, and Hanji - a journalist willing to risk everything to expose their city’s darkest secrets.

• A Simple Choice by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

The rain had started up again. Fat droplets drummed over her hood, drenching the fabric. Her horse’s reins were wet and cold; though her fingers, numbed from continued exposure to the elements, could hardly feel them.

Following the sound of the explosion, they’d arrived at a clearing. It was a mess of blackened, shattered wood, and the wagon, a skeleton, was little more than a smoking husk. Beyond the wreckage, a titan lay prostrate. Felled, its limp, hulking form was barely visible through the rain.

As soldiers shouted, pointing at the creature, one of the horses still tethered to the ruined wagon, writhed. When the beast screamed a broken, panicked wail, her own horse shifted, flanks twitching with unease.

Hanji barely noticed.

The soldiers' voices, the poor beast’s screams, even the heavy, even thrum of rain - had silenced as she looked to the river.

A body lay at the edge of the dark, white-capped water.

• License to Science (And Kill) by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

When International criminal organization, TITAN, successfully steals an arsenal of missiles along with their encrypted launch codes, Code Blue is initiated. It up to Agent Levi Ackerman, a spy in a class of his own, and Research scientist Hanji Zoe, the premiere authority on the organization, to halt a global catastrophe in its tracks.

She lowered her glasses, brown eyes blinking over the rims. “Does this mean I have a-” One brow lifted. “License to Science?”

“No. But I do have a License to Kill. Don’t tempt me to use it.”

• Aftermath by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levi rushes to the wall in the aftermath of the Armored and Colossal Titans' attack.

“Are you worried about your wife?”

The question shocked him out of his musings.

Levi looked up, “My what?”

But the pastor was already speaking, “You’re obviously beside yourself with stress – and it’s understandable. Not knowing if your wife has survived-”

Levi cut him off, “My what?”

The pastor hesitated, apparently realizing he’d made some mistake, but misunderstanding precisely what it was. “Your…wife? The woman we traveled with before? She’s ah – forceful. You two uh – have the same, er – strident personality. When we first met, she dangled me off the wall.”

• Terrible Things by someonestolemyshoes

[One-shot]

Summary:

The first time he tells her she’s pretty, Hange is all kinds of filthy - sweaty, dirty, twigs in her hair and mud on her shoes and a great big disgusting ball of everything Levi hates.

She is also crying.

It isn’t like he’s never seen her cry before - they’re nine and crying is just what kids do, especially kids like Hange who like to play with things they probably shouldn’t play with and like to climb trees even though they’re kind of clumsy and so the crying, in it’s self, isn’t all that weird.

What’s weird is that Hange - Hange, with her print-smudged glasses and ratty ponytail and clothes two sizes too big for her - is crying because a boy called her ugly.

• Acquiescence by 3LevisInATrenchcoat

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

On Judgement Day, the tide brought someone strange.

• My soulmate by a_golden_hearted_snk_fan

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

When your soulmate gets injured or hurt, their injuries show up on your skin with a slight sting then slowly fade. It was a rare thing to occur, but Levi and Hanji were the lucky ones.

• SOS by djmarinizela

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levi is a reclusive senior student who shares an apartment with Mike, Nanaba, and his best friend, Hange, who he's secretly in love with. Oddly enough, they also belong to the same secret club with a special operations squad. The 104th cohort is a bunch of freshmen misfits they've taken under their wing, Moblit is Hange's lab partner also vying for her affections, while Erwin’s the newest instructor who doesn’t know how to teach. And they say school is fun.

• the moon is dark by alteirkay

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

His face was wet.

“What the hell?” He murmured touching his face to see if he was mistaken. He was not. His hair was damp with sweat. There was an uneasiness invading his whole body. He was filled with it like he had drunk it straight from a bottle. His chest was heavy, his breaths were uneven, and his right eye was throbbing like a hammer was hitting at it continuously.

He was feeling like he had just lost someone.

• The Experiment by KakashiSensei

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

After a public brawl between them, Commander Erwin confines Captain Levi and Zoë Hange to barracks. When the Survey Corps next heads out, they are left behind as a punishment. Soon bored out of her mind, Hange turns her scientific curiosity towards the most interesting specimen within her reach: Levi. When his past reaches out to him to claim him back, she joins him on a dangerous journey. Do budding feelings have a chance in the most desolate of places?

• windmill by alteirkay

[One-shot]

Summary:

Here is the thing about Levi, his heart is a windmill in the middle of a wilderness where there was no wind to make it twirl, there was no wind to make it beat, pound and feel. Just feel.

Until one day he got hit by a storm so wild, so rare and so incredibly terrifying but in the most beautiful and breath-taking way that it left him defenceless, vulnerable and weak. Like a tiny little flower which had long passed its day of blossoming in a fierce, winter dawn yet it stood erect with its fragile body, challenging against the merciless winds and the brutal frost.

He fell in love.

• In Your Shoes by Neighborhood_Nori

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary

Levi, Paradis Studio's strict ballet instructor, can't stand the newly hired hip-hop instructor, Hanji. As a ballet dancer with his own complicated history with hip-hop, Levi only has respect for the more refined forms of dance. Can Hanji change his mind about her and her style of dance through determination, persistence, and her passion for dance?

• Distractions by Rookblonkorules

[One -shot]

Summary:

Hange’s love for pop culture interferes with her and Levi’s work.

It’s annoying.

• Leave You Whole. by zerothecreator

[One-shot]

Summary:

Levi spends his last moments in Hangë’s arms.

• Moments by Anonymous

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levihan Modern AU

She's a long-legged, sun-kissed beauty with tattoos in hidden places and multiple piercings.

Her leather jacket's on his bedroom floor, her ripped jeans too and she's pretty sure one of her heeled scarlet boots got left in the living room in their haste last night. At least her glasses are on top of the bedside drawer- they managed that, at least.

• more baby snacks by argethara

[One-shot]

Summary:

Levi tries to find out how and why boxes of Udo's biscuits are gone.

• Anniversary by EllePellano

[One-shot]

Summary:

AU One-shot: Erwin and Levi have a short conversation about the woman they both loved

• All We Are by TundrainAfrica

[One-shot]

Summary:

"We’re what’s left of the old survey corps Levi. We’re all alone.”

“We can’t be alone if there’s two of us.”

“So what do you suggest Captain Levi?”

“We stick together…” Levi answered. “We stick together, Commander Hange.”

During the time skip, Hange and Levi's relationship develops.

• Thin Ice by Xenobia

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Takes place between events in chapter 90 of the manga. Hange, now commander of Survey Corps, commissions Captain Levi to scout territory in the mountains to search for a supply tower she believes may still be stocked. The scouts need all the supplies and currency they can get in order to carry on with their goals. Against his better judgment, Levi joins her on this excursion. The bitter, early winter makes their mission harder than expected, however. The pair find themselves relying on each other to survive, and they find it increasingly difficult to treat one another as comrades in arms and nothing more.

• Hidden Meanings by WhatHistoryForgets

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Hange never thought a materialistic item could mean so much to her until she lost it.

• Of teacups and stale bread

[One-shot]

Summary:

Five times Hange prepared tea for Levi, and the one time that he did.

• Unintended Consequence(s) by Ella3982

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Not all of the Anti-Personnel Control Squad died when the cavern collapsed. Some of them escaped through the tunnel Hange, Moblit, and Armin used. When the two parties meet, the Anti-Personnel Control Squad takes the three Survey Corps members hostage with the intent to force the Survey Corp's hand. However, when they find out that Kenny Ackerman has died, they become more desperate.

If the Uprising Arc had ended a bit differently, how would it alter the course of the story? What would change, and what would stay the same?

• A Fire in the Shadows by free_pancakes

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

LeviHan in an Avatar the Last Airbender AU - a side story occurring alongside the events of ATLA

Levi, the nephew of a fire nation captain, stumbles upon a ragtag group of 5 known as the Scouts, formidably known for foiling the plans of local fire nation control, living in the forests a few miles north of Ba Sing Se.

• Speak Your Dark Pleasures to Me by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)

Summary:

A collection of drabbles and oneshots exploring a sexual relationship between Levi and Hanji.

• Tips & Tricks by Sleepyheadven

[One-shot]

Summary:

Eren’s brow was furrowed forward in confusion as he spoke. “I thought you said that staring at people isn’t nice?” He said after a few moments, gathering his thoughts. He seemed genuinely bewildered as to why she was intensely staring down a stranger when she had told him countless times before that it was impolite to do so.

Oh, lord, was her only thought as she quickly scrambled for an excuse. “I - Uh - well, sometimes people stare at other people because -” before she could even begin to form a proper sentence, Eren interjected. She wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or dismayed by his actions.

“Is it because you think he’s cute? My friend Ymir stares at my friend Krista that way all the time, she says it’s because she’s so pretty!” Eren babbled happily, oblivious to the way Hange’s grip around the handle of the cart tightened. Her brown eyes darted back and forth between the stranger and her son, hoping that he couldn’t overhear their conversation seeing as Eren wasn’t the softest of speakers.

• A drunk man always tells the truth by krissixh

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levi finds out that Hanji is engaged to a rich man. He gets drunk that night and confronts her his feelings. The two have to confront a lot of difficulties to be able to end as a couple.

• Relapses by Oreotragus

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Despite having become a great asset to humankind, Captain Levi still has some trouble adjusting to his post-crime lifestyle, especially the social aspects of it. One extremely badly coordinated step out of his comfort zone creates a grand mess that he has to clean up.

• Weight of Survival by otterbeans

[One-shot]

Summary:

Hanji gives birth to Levi's unintentional child. She pretends to be surprised when he shows up for it.

• Don't drink the kool-aid by smallblip

[One-shot]

Summary:

Think of a number between one and ten. Because that's how you love in this world. First you toss out the word love. You tell it to its face that Commander Erwin Smith says “love is the ultimate cult of men... A sect... A dirty ploy by the whatever god is up there to make us all vulnerable..."

And then, everything falls into place.

• until another thursday evening by pinkweirdsunsets

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

and ever since they were only five, Levi had protected her, whether it was from the daily shenanigans she came up with or the criminal background he came from. She was his sunshine, messy and grinning, and he shielded her away from all terrible things.

until zeke yeager came along.

• Make It Make Sense! By cznpai

[Multi-chapt || completed]

I can't add the summary cause I've reached the limit. Welp i still have a lot of fics here so ill make a another post of reccomendations... HAHA bye!

[johnsamericano]

Ꭰąվ ९

➱ Ӈմɑղց Rҽղᴊմղ

The company takes all of the members to the beach for a new edition of NCT life. During his time there, he meets another tourist, with whom he’ll develop a relationship bound to end in tragedy.

genre: fluff, smut, angst.

warnings: sex, nipple teasing, brief sub!renjun (I couldn’t help myself), kind of oral.

☞ taglist: @morningsunandnightsky @soberhani @aaasteroidsky @chenlewifey @piaozhisheng @doeilovr @aedreamzy

falling masterlist

~

~

“I refuse. It's too windy to get in the water.”

Renjun had just lost one of the games the staff prepared. The punishment? Diving into the sea fully clothed. The problem was, the sky was cloudy, and it seemed like the rain would pour any second. Therefore, the water was cold as fuck.

“You lost. Suck it up. I had to sleep on the carpet last night because Jisung won the bed.” Chenle whined.

“Look, we can talk about this...” He stepped back cautiously, the cameraman capturing every movement.

“Grab his legs, Jeno.” Haechan instructed, caging his arms as Jeno lifted him.

“Stop!” The few people sitting in the sand laughed at the comic scene. A boy being thrown straight into the sea while screaming his lungs out. It would serve well as material for memes. “My eyes!” The salty water stung his eyes as his friends clapped their hands in amusement.

“Cut!” The director screamed, a smile printed on her lips. “Good job, guys. You’re free to go now. Remember to be punctual tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. For shooting.”

“Thank you.” Everyone except Renjun, who was too busy trying to rub the pain off his eyes, said.

“That chick is staring at us.” Jisung commented.

“She’s kinda hot.” Renjun opened one eye, trying to take a look at the person his friends were talking about. “She caught us! Turn around, idiots!”

From your point of view, they looked like a bunch of dumbass teenagers. Cute dumbass teenagers. Your tanned legs started taking strides towards them, causing panic among the group.

“Run!” The youngest suggested, everyone except Renjun following his steps towards the hotel building.

“Need a hand?” He stuttered, not sure if anyone was around to record the suspicious interaction. Stalkers are everywhere. “Guess not.” After a couple of seconds with your hand extended his way, he finally accepted it, fearing you'd make yourself a bad image of him. It wasn't every day that a beautiful stranger tried to flirt with him, especially when having men like Jeno by his side.

“Thank you.” His clothes were sticking to his tummy, revealing his lack of toning. A beautiful, rosy pigment tinted his cheeks in the cutest way possible. “W-Would you like to grab a drink at the bar with me?”

“Sure. I'll just let my friends know I won't be joining them.” Did Renjun just get himself a date? Had the stars aligned for such a special occasion to happen?

“I need to take a shower first...” He giggled, ruffling his wet hair a bit. “Meet you at the lobby in an hour?”

“It’s a date then.” You walked back to your group of friends, waving your hips exaggeratedly to catch his eye.

The members had never seen Renjun so anxious while picking an outfit. Even choosing a perfume seemed like a life or death decision.

“Dude, just wear the usual.” Hyuck huffed. Renjun had finally picked a leather jacket and a white tee, but it was obviously not his style.

“I think he looks sexy.” Jaemin scanned him from head to toes while Jisung confusedly searched for a scent to match his looks.

“What about this one?” Renjun shook his head, teeth gritted as he stared at the digital clock watch on the nightstand. He was running out of time. “What’s so important about your perfume anyway?”

“Our poor Jisung. So innocent.” Haechan cooed. “If things go well, Renjun might end up in her room. He wants to smell good for when they start doing the dirty.”

“Oh.” The large hands of the youngest fiddled with the bottles, furrowing his eyebrows as an idea started forming in his mind. “This one.”

A woody scent was the chosen one. Renjun quickly sprayed it behind his ears and proceeded to leave. He was still on time.

By the time the elevator doors slid open with a loud ding, you were already waiting for him. You were wearing a tropical, long dress. Opposite him, who was dressing as if he were about to ride a motorbike. He wanted to call out your name, but only then he realized it was still unknown to him.

“Hey.” He tapped your naked shoulder, feeling the warm skin under his fingertips.

“Hi.” You smiled widely, nervously clutching the purse between your hands. “You look good.”

“You too.” You both looked like sims awkwardly waiting for the player’s command. “Let’s go sit, shall we?”

Your little date started silent at first, both of you holding into your drinks for your dear life. But then, slowly, the effects of alcohol were starting to be more visible in your actions, shoulders tightly pressed against each other as you giggled over anything you said. You couldn't help but tangle your fingers with his white and black locks. They were even softer than they looked.

“Are you famous or something? I saw a camera following you around earlier.”

“Will my answer affect your opinion on me?”

“If you say yes, I might have to take you to my room. You know, just to have more privacy.”

“Then I'm afraid the answer is yes.” He replied with a fake pout, letting you drive him back to the elevator and up to your room.

“What’s your name?” You asked with your lips against his, sitting on his torso while you tried to get rid of his jacket.

“Renjun. Yours?” Your thumbs massaged his sensitive nipples over the fabric of his tee, making him squirm under your hold. “Don’t tease.”

“Y/n.” He hummed, breath hitching as your touches continued. He looked so pretty, beads of sweat collecting on the side of his head. It hadn't been such a bad idea to leave the lights on. “You’re a bottom, aren't you?”

“The fact that I'm short doesn't mean I like to be dominated.” He laid you down beside him, kissing your lips slowly while clothes started flying to different parts of the room. “How about we keep things equal here?”

“Fine.” He moaned when your hand grazed against his crotch, fingertips dancing over the clothed tip. “But don't think I'm letting you go before I have the chance to have you crying from overstimulation, baby boy.” Though he hated to admit it, he could feel precum leaking out of his hole at your words.

“Whatever floats your boat.”

True to your words, right after you both reached your high, you got rid of the cum-filled condom covering his sensitive length, making a knot before licking his cock clean.

“S-stop.” He was enjoying himself a bit too much. Haechan would never let him live if he found out.

“Uh-Uh.” You peppered kisses all over it, making him fist the sheets underneath him. He was embarrassingly close, and you didn't seem to have the intention of stopping anytime soon. “You look so cute I just want to eat you up.” With a gentle caress on his balls and a kiss on top of the tip, cum spurted right on your cheek.

“No more!” He screamed as you inched your mouth closer to him once again.

“Fine.” You huffed, leaping off the bed to clean yourself up.

Needless to say, it wasn't the last time you met. Mark would often wake up to the sound of their door opening, a messy-haired Renjun slipping into his bed with a wide smile. He felt on cloud nine. That was until you stroke him with terrible news.

“I’m leaving in two days.” His palms were sweaty and his mouth dry. He hadn't given it much thought, too caught up in the pleasure of your company.

“I-It’s okay, we can still visit each other.” He nervously stuttered while you repositioned yourself between his arms, snuggling your head in his chest. There were days where you didn't do anything, just laid down in each other's arms.

“I don't live in Korea, Junnie.” His heartbeat increased, a knot preventing him to swallow.

“Skype! We’ll keep in touch and-”

“Stop freaking out, we still have two days.”

“It’s not enough. We barely started to get to know each other.” His hold tightened around you. “I’ll pack you in my bag and fly you to Korea.”

“Stop being this damn cute.”

“If I confessed that I love you, what would you do?” He seemed too serious to be joking. But your face remained calm as you said:

“I’d make the most out of the time we have left.”

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

Hello my dear friend, AnonTheory here!

I read your last post about the MoM theory and now that one from someone from the music industry explaining about the money side of the deal and it got me thinking. You see I agree partly with your theory regarding C and that MV, but not so much with the part of Lauren benefiting (walking free) from the circus. I still think Camila’s plans were/are for herself and that doesn’t exclude the possibility of her helping L (money wise) if needed.

But I tell you why I think that maybe she didn’t have to help her girl like that. First, the music person said that it takes a lot of money for someone independent to launch their career: producers, musicians, make up, choreographer and bunch of other professionals that need to be paid. And what we got? A great mini tour that happened most definitely with a short budget, but still a good production that certainly didn’t cost cheap.

Remember that in July Lauren posted a pic of herself from that mv with Arlissa (the one they’re both in bed wearing bathrobes, drinking whisky and holding lots of money)? She used it as a meme cropping A out and captioned that it was her mood for the rest of the year. I even printed the post because I thought it was something not like Lauren to post about money. And now we have Prelude, had a miniTour and if not the big media, at least she has specialized media covering her new era.

She has sponsored ads on TikTok and IG and even if this is part of the promo from the distributors (Awal) everything else still needs a big amount of money. She said herself a while ago that she was investing money on 3 fronts and she was surprised about the results. I even thought of the possibility of her suiting her old label for breach of contract and won or made some deal we’ll never know about or only in few more years. She said that she had to fight, right? Could be.

And just today she confirmed that she will release Always Love (a supposedly Camren) studio version at some point, probably with the album coming in 22. So, basically she’s kind of free artistically at least and with money enough to have a EP, a MiniTour, Merch, Ads and an Album, that alone costs a lot of money. And NO public sponsors so far. Aside from that Miami Beach hotel if that was something, not even partnerships that I know of.

I have faith C plans will see the light of the day soon and I hope by then we have a better ideia about how Lauren managed to walk free and if the two things are related somehow. I don’t discard the possibility, but more inclined to believe she fought for her freedom and won, because imagine how much of a pain in the ass she must have been to to those sick bastards running the industry?

I don’t know just something to think about it.

Thanks for your time as usual.

Hey my friend. Love to see you back. The MoM theory is still there for Camila, I have no doubt about that. I'm sure Camila was able to help Lauren, of course, but we know that she has investments and so does Camila.

I still don't know what will happen to Milamoon Records tho. That's a part of the theory I'm totally in the dark but I hope she can do something wise with it. IDK about the empire but at least something good related to her career if her idea is to live from the music and make money from it. She's smart so I'm waiting for her next move.

Thanks for coming to my blog with your ideas buddy 😊

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

out of context of course, what do you take me for? a sane person?

"they made lightning mcqueen hot"

"inch resting"

"Nix: Cars (2006) several people are typing..."

"im evaporating"

"enjoy precipitation"

"tow mater is more attractive than lightning mcqueen/hj"

"lightning mcqueen looks like he would call me a slur"

"why did I come back to a discussion regarding the attractiveness of vehicles"

"lark is the braincell of shiftblr tbh"

"you all need some grass in your life"

"me over here simping for block men and now literal cars"

"didn't nick wilde commit fraud canonically"

"i have no strong opinions on whether or not nick wilde is attractive"

"I AM AROMANTIC AND I AM NOT IMMUNE TO NICK WILDE"

"I am bisexual and I. Am not into Nick Wilde based on a simple fact he looks like he will drink all my pepsi and call me names"

"What is shiftbkr but not a bunch of simps"

"cries in Bianca Monroe"

"listen i have a folder called gayass

it is mostly pictures of kyoka jiro and virgil sanders"

"Nick Wilde x Reader where he steals your car 📷 carjacker to lovers AU 📷"

"he says "mama i like to step on keyboard""

"MY MOM JUST WALKED IN AND I HAD TO TELL HER I WAS LOOKING AT LIGHTING MC QUEEN HUMAN FANART"

"crab walks away"

""Y/N..." Nick whispered into your ear. "Your car...is a Honda Civic, right?" You looked up at Nick with a baffled expression. "Nick, my beloved? Whatever are you talking about?" "Just asking..." He said as he let you out of his embrace. "Hey, wanna see a magic trick, babe?" Your eyes sparkled. "Really, Nick? Of course!" Nick smiled. "Ok, close your eyes!" You giggled and closed your eyes, waiting for Nick to tell you to open up. Instead, you heard the loud rumble of a car starting up, and you open your eyes. Nick has stolen your car, and he has driven off into the sunset..."

"did y'all know his name used to be canonically Montgomery--he changed it to lightning mcqueen to get rid of his past"

"That is my exit number"

"cars trauma arc"

"wait do y'all know about car jesus" "as if jesus wasn't a ford focus in the bible"

"oh yall do not want to know about the trauma in my cars dr lmao"

"Dewit tau style babey make Lightning McQueen outlive everyone and stalk their reincarnations"

"Do they baptize other cars in like gasoline then"

"there is a pope car in the cars universe which means car jesus died for cars sins"

"NOT THE BOOMER MEMES"

"-lays facedown on the floor while caramelldansen plays-"

"like im serious how many of you guys endorse me falling face down on my floor" (NOT THE SAME PERSON AS PREVIOUS QUOTE)

"I will be Tall and no one can stop me"

"is a soft floor?"

"stop I thought faceplant meant like a succulent in the shape of a face instead of falling onto your noggin for a solid 10 seconds"

"Touch some grass??? What about eating grass"

"what if for every employee of the month i just printed out really horrible boomer memes"

"what ab smoking grass /j"

"Can the grassdirt smoothie be a special in the cafe"

"PLEASE IM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR REWRITINH THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WHIKE SPEEDRUNINT MINECRAFT"

"you have to get good dirt from like the middle of a pennsylvanian forest for it to taste good though"

"I ate a four leaf clover as a kid cause i thought it would make me lucky"

"guys how do i see the mee6 leaderboard"

"I used to think i was half dragon and I ate plants out of sidewalk cracks"

"i think i punched someone"

"my parents told me to stop doing that so I looked at them and ate a flower"

"I ate grass when I was 9 bc I read warrior cats and thought I was a medicine cat ....................."

"bees are just spicy flies"

"I had a mental breakdown when I was three cause I didn’t know how to turn off a phone"

"My mom drank a bee once"

"when I was a baby I kinned ink sans."

"bro who here find the yellow hat man from curious george fine as heck 📷📷📷"

"mY LUNGSSSSSS"

"no one topping Him"

"I like em big"

"I think Moto Moto has no game like move over hunky boy I could beat you 1v1 Roblox Arsenal 📷📷📷"

"If you didnt have a crush on springtrap, jeff the killer, or Underfell/Gaster/Error sans don't talk to me /j"

"LOOK THEY'RE BOTH DILFS WITH ABS THAT WOULD FIGHT GOD"

"ZORO IS BANNED"

"Guys please help I found my old fnaf fanart from when I was 8 I'm in literal tears"

"OH NO BOT MY FIFTH GRADE HAMILTON PHASE"

"The worst attraction ive ever had has to be Sombra Overwatch"

"My family is like "save all ur art so I can sell it when you're famous" I literally could not sell this if I tried"

"screaming puppet"

"I just remembered Ive drawn overwatch/hamilton crossover fanart"

"my hermit crabs ate each other again"

"we're cannibals ????"

"having me here is a curse you have inflicted on yourselves and I for one am glad for it <3" "scitters around like a crab in anticipation"

"CARB DAY"

"WE NEED TO HAVE A WATCH OARTY"

"hey y'all ill be right back i have to throw away a crab carcass"

"if I watch cars I'm going to start laughing in the middle of it nonstop just because the word cars is funny and also cars are funny like how do you move silly little metal box with rubber circles"

"Lark asleep post catboy pitbul"

"Mwista Wowldwide! Nya!" "hermit crab 2: electric boogaloo"

"Is that why your name is chaos"

"manifest the crab power!!"

"cool dex fact: i can't read 📷"

"sighs adds to worship these entities list"

"with a knife <3"

"yeah and if he betrays me I could probably throw him across the atlantic ocean"

"give me his eyes"

"my good citizen i am a- wait no im nonbinary nvm"

"it worked on a fish idk what to tell you"

"what is gender??? Is that a board game?? If so can I be apples to apples that one's my favorite"

"CHUTES AND LADDERS"

"anyways actually my gender is Candyland"

"Oh god romes the destroyer of friendships/j"

"i am a simple gay i see math i run in the opposite direction survival instincts 101"

"math my beloathed"

"algebra makes me want to rip open a bag of swedish fish and swallow them whole"

"cackles in they're au characters and this will be very fun"

"pog !!!! me too ksajgks one of my drs is a sanders sides au"

"Is that bipper"

"tumblr sexyman"

"Good because he’ll fuck u up if u hurt a child"

"I want a wing-suit"

"looks like a bean would poison someone"

"my hermit crabs are cannibals what can i say"

"sonic the hedgehog kinnie"

"get yourself a man who is capable of the most ungodly actions but won't do them because of their morality owo"

"tell him he can steal my wallet"

"eyes"

"idk about y'all but I need blueberry sweet tea to live"

"y'know the red souls from soul eater i really want to eat those"

"but like only respectable crimes like stealing from elon musk"

"You can go cultbashing with he!"

"He acts like a flamboyant gay man, but if a flamboyant gay man was straight."

"Simp Satan 📷"

"definitely arson"

"They look like they enjoy lemon squares and other lemon desserts"

"Satan is all-powerful but he spends most of his time building honeymoon locations because he is convinced that the protag loves him"

"bc shes the reincarnation of his dead wife or something i guess"

annd here's a quote from our very own dream (@shiftingwastaken) that sums this post up:

"shiftblr but context makes it worse"

[iamthepulta]

10, 11, 18, 25 for the writing meme?

Ah! I forgot to answer these delicious questions!

10. Has a piece of writing ever "haunted" you? What does that mean to you?

For me, that means "a WIP that follows you around in your moments of weakness and stabs you for abandoning it- only it hasn't really been abandoned so it's like lovers-to-enemies with one of the parties running away really fast". The worst of these is The Tale of Jean Shea. It was one of my original works when I was 15-ish, and it had an Okay plot of travellers recording deserted post-apocalyptic areas and and making sure people's stories are told; which turned into an urban fantasy with ghosts and a base on the moon and then a plot between the moon base and the people who governed earth to.... I can't remember.

But either way, I got all the way to them travelling to Iceland and I lost the plot. I miss this story and I'd like to go back to it someday, but it needs heavy revamping. My depictions of fantasy-ghosts that are spiritual imprints but can also touch things and teleport and become ‘real’ again if they’re loved, haunts me.

11. Do you believe in the old advice to "kill your darlings?" Are you a ruthless darling assassin?

Not really. I tend to operate on the amount of characters I need for the plot and no more. Found Family > Game of Thrones. But I probably could have a lot of fun trying to write Game of Thrones if I really tried.

18. Choose a passage from your writing; tell me about the backstory, how you came up with it, and how it changed from start to end.

OOoooo.

Mary didn’t come into the office often, but it was still several times a week. Westlie had spent hours of her life trying to figure out why Mary worked as a secretary for Arthur. The woman was tall, lithe, fashionable, and only halfway decent at math. Her handwriting was the least neat part about her, which was to say, the rest of her was fucking flawless and her cursive looked like someone took a bunch of stamps, stuck them in a printing press, and churned out pages of the stuff without mistakes. She was the only one who could get away with wearing her hair down and Arthur not sending her home: probably because it fell in over her shoulders in waves of enticing brown ringlets and it looked less pretty down than it did up. She styled it every fucking morning somehow, before she came into work. She was twenty-five years old, a solid two years older than Westlie, a kiss-ass, she belonged at a fashion agency, not Fairweather, and Westlie wanted to eat her alive on sight.

- Liztlie AU, Chapter 8

Mary's introduction while accosting Westlie to give her more paperwork. Probably the best character introduction I've ever written; it wrote itself. I think I've rearranged a few sentences but that was it. I imagine Mary as a high-society prep who wants to be working class but doesn't really have the skills to be good at it, and she's just a born asshole because she sees everyone else as beneath her. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what Arthur thinks, so they got that going for their creepy Employer-Secretary eyecandy relationship.

The phrase of "wanted to eat her alive on sight"? Never going to top that one. I read it and every single time I lose my mind. It's my own damn writing and I go Yes, Westlie, eat her.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

For some reason, in my head, Morgan (the younger sister in Liztlie AU) had this obsession with growing up. It's totally irrelevant to the story because she's 20 in the now and thinks she's the queen of the world, but if I wrote the story of Morgan growing up, it'd be a lot of suffing her shoes, big shirts, and obscure growing pagan rituals.

[amphtaminedreams]

Paris Haute Couture Week S/S 2020 Plus a Little Jacquemus: Okay, Dior DID Suck (Part 1/2)

Hi to anyone reading,

Oh my god. I completely forgot there was also 2 haute couture weeks. I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED. Here I was getting all geared up for the F/W 2020 shows and suddenly it’s Jean Paul Gaultier’s last show and everybody’s (predictably) buzzing about the Jacquemus collection. I can’t keep up. But Haute Couture week is a lot less intense than the RTW shows so I suppose I should be enjoying this relative peace whilst I can. 

I remember my last post about Haute Couture week opened with me defending Maria Grazia from the wrath of the internet; if Jacquemus is social media’s Lord and Saviour, this woman is the Antichrist. She’s Michael Langdon minus the dramatic flair. But the thing is, I genuinely really liked the Dior collection last time. Maybe because I was newer to the discipline of scouring Vogue Runway, but the lack of originality didn’t bother me; it was still something I’d die to wear, gothic yet delicate and relevant for 2019. 

That being said, this time round, I have to open by doing the exact opposite and concurring: this time round, Dior was in fact, utter shit.

I feel mean saying it but...really? These were the slightly more salvageable outfits and my favourite of the bunch, and to be honest they don’t really capture the full extent of how outdated this collection was to me. I know that the concept behind the show was this idea of the divine feminine but Greek Goddess has been done SO many times. If you’re gonna go down that route, you have to bring something new, elevate it in some way. It can’t be THIS generic.

I can’t believe that in 2020 we’re really seeing plaited hairbands. The individual dresses are basic, but not so much the problem as the styling; they look like outfits I would’ve put together back in 2012. That’s not an exaggeration. I think even 2013 me would appreciate that you need to make things a little twisty. 

The colour scheme is pretty, don’t get me wrong, and I like the cowl necks-the white dresses are the highlights. I think the concept of this collection was conceived with all the best intentions. But as a designer you need to take risks and I don’t see one single risk here; there isn’t anything that wouldn’t already be sold in your local H&M. Dior is such an established brand, Maria Grazia has room to do whatever she wants. And yet it just comes across like she’s out of ideas. 

You’ve got to look at a designer like Ulyana Sergeenko:

When I say elevated (but still in the vein of wearable), I mean something like this. To be completely honest, I hadn’t heard of Ulyana Sergeenko until I saw shots of this show on Twitter. But what a perfect mix of kitsch and glamour. The influences are clear: Priscilla Presley, Barbie, Jackie O, Valley of the Dolls, the rich stay-at-home wife of the 60s, the Alessandra Rich/Scream Queens-esque sorority girl, Paris fucking Hilton. It’s exaggerated and it’s tongue in cheek with total grounds to call it trashy-there’s a corset resembling a Benjamin Franklin, ffs-but it’s all done with a wink and a nudge. And in all honesty, I just think it’s beautiful. Can you imagine Frances O’Sullivan (@Beautyspock on IG) in one of these looks? It would be worthy of the Rose McGowan cultural reset meme ten times over.

Everything is feline, from the very literal cat silhouettes and cat headed boa, to the makeup and the hair clips. It reminds me of the last RTW Ralph and Russo show but with even more attention to detail. And look at the STAGE. If this collection were a song, it’d be Disco Tits by Tove Lo. And no, I’m not just saying that because one of the dresses actually does feature a (cat shaped) disco tit. Like these are the clothes I dreamed of putting my Bratz dolls, and for null I’m sure, myself in. Absolute perfection. Plus, I’ve loved Coco Rocha since she was on The Face with Naomi Campbell; she is, after all, to thank for the iconic “check your lipstick before you come for me” line. Girl is really the martyr for all purple lipstick lovers, cut down in her prime by a pissed-off Naomi. 

Onto Alexandre Vauthier, which I also really liked. An interesting yet effortless blend of the old and the new, the masculine and the feminine, if I could sum this collection up in one word, it would be cool. I know, it’s not the most descriptive, but it pretty much sums up how I feel; I’m not AS gassed about it as I am about Ulyana Sergeenko or this season’s Elie Saab (wait for it), but it’s a fresh offering, even if the styles aren’t the most groundbreaking. Stand outs for me are the almost petticoat like, debutante dresses which have Elle Fanning’s name written all over them.

I was hard pressed to find favourites in the Armani Privé collection if I’m honest. I’m not saying it was awful, all I know is that it just isn’t my style. It’s all a bit TOO tailored for my liking, and kinda reminds me of the Zara pantsuits my Spanish teacher used to wear. In other words, I find it to be a bit dowdy. On a positive note, the colours, fabrics, and beading are all stunning, so I see that a lot of craftsmanship clearly went into it; I think my biggest issue is the styling and the shapes (or lack of) on show. I’m very much getting a 20s, flapper vibe and whilst that’s an era that fascinates me and that I appreciate was cutting-edge at the time, I’ve yet to see it be bought into the 21st century in a way that doesn’t look stiff or costume-y. 

Then there’s Azzaro. At the complete opposite end of the scale to Armani, it doesn’t look expensive, which I’m sure isn’t something any designer previewing their collection at haute couture week is striving for. BUT that being said, I’d be much more likely to wear something from this collection than I would from Armani Privé. I mean, I have no shot at ever wearing either but ya get me. 

Whilst I’m sure it or something similar has been done before, the mesh diamanté dress is exquisite and I’m a huge fan of the stacked gem chokers and belts. The whole collection looks like something a London socialite who parties by night but (deep breath in) plays in a shitty band so fancies herself a bit of a rockstar by day would wear (exhale) and as much as that doesn’t sound like a compliment, I mean it as one. I’m talking about the kind of person you’d see smoking outside a bar and think “I wish I was them but I am potato lol”. I mean, as far as faux fur and fedoras are concerned, I’m gonna find it hard to completely slate a collection so this is pretty up my alley.

Chanel was a huge step up from their last RTW collection, imo, and probably on par with their last haute couture offering. It’s that same blend of preppy Chanel detailing (i.e the exaggerated collars, the checks and the lace) and practicality, only even more austere this time round.

It’s funny because when I looked back on original notes on this collection, before I’d even done any research into the context, I saw that one of the things I’d written was “giving me Victorian orphanage madame” as well as “something something Amish” and I wasn’t THAT far off base. The collection is, after all, supposed to be a tribute to the nuns who raised Coco Chanel at the beginning of the century in an Abbey-cum-orphanage. This makes me really happy; I know not everyone’s a fan of Virginie Viard’s nods back to the past and the brand’s origins but as a history nerd, I definitely am. 

There’s also definitely a lot of things that can be translated into high street trends here: the combination of decorative white socks and black shoes is something I’ve seen making a comeback already, tulle is always a winner (I actually don’t mind it as an overlay, I think it’s pretty, sue me) and I have no doubt we’ll be seeing these dramatic collars creeping back onto tops and jumpers throughout the year. It’s been a while since they were a thing anyway and we all know how cyclical fashion is.

Another high note for Elie Saab this haute couture season; if I was an expressive person, I probably would’ve audibly gasped as I looked through this collection. It is SO FUCKING MAGNIFICENT. The colour scheme, the baroque prints, the floral sequinned embroidery, these are Cinderella style ballgowns taken to the next level. Elie Saab really is the definition of opulence and I’m not at all mad about it. Please, somebody put Lana Del Rey in one of these, PLEASE. Remind her how much of a princess she is and get her out of those “soccer mom” looks.

I’m so stuck between this collection and Ulyana Sergeenko as my favourite, and the latter might just pip the other to the post, purely because of the staging and extravagance of the presentation itself. 

Georges Hobeika was predictably phenomenal. Like, I’m not going to lie, I am easily won over by some sequins and tulle, I’ve never claimed any different, and if you can expect that from anyone, it’s this guy (ignore that phrasing making me sound like his proud mother). The colour scheme is very spring appropriate and so is the 3D flower detailing, and if there’s anything good to take from Ascot and English royal weddings, Georges Hobeika knows it’s the hats.

It was another strong year for Givenchy too:

Though Claire Waight Keller is also fond of the extravagant details along the lines of feather and tulle, it’s always done in a more organic way; the details are always more reminiscent of nature, something created by accident, than they are suggestive of painstaking attention to detail, the image of someone hunched over a dress beading for hours on end à la Georges Hobeika or Elie Saab. That is not a bad thing at all; if anything, it makes Givenchy more interesting to study and gives you more to think about. Sometimes a dress takes you a bit longer to fully appreciate, but I’d say that only lends to its memorability. This year’s willowy, billowing, and at times coral-esque structures  remind me of something I can see being worn down an Iris Van Herpen runway, set apart by that delicate Givenchy finesse. And side not: I know this post is to talk about the clothes, not the models, but I got super excited over seeing Sora Choi and Adut Akech walk too. 

Guo Pei is always fun to look at. I mean, this collection is giving me half Matryoshka dolls, half It’s A Small World Christmas edition and I can’t hate on that. 

And then there’s Iris Van Herpen, who knocked it out of the park once again. At this point, I wouldn’t expect anything less. Every outfit looks like something that could be exhibited in the Tate Modern (I know, it’s a basic opinion, but it’s true: TATE MODERN IS THE BEST MUSEUM IN LONDON), or honestly, the Design Museum, just for the genius that must go into the way these dresses move. Honestly, if I can see a goddess wearing anything, it’s more one of these looks than anything in the Dior collection. Like wife of Poseidon or something; I know it’s not very feminist of me to not know the Greek Goddess of the sea’s name but I only know who Poseidon is because I was a Percy Jackson fan back in the day so let me live.

It’s not like the whole under-the-sea theme is particularly new, Zimmerman did something similar last RTW (I think? Correct me if I’m wrong), but these constructions could’ve grown out of the sea bed themselves, which is more of an original take than “oo, blue and white and frothy hemlines!”. Additionally, we’ve got these dresses with the overlapping almost plaited fabric that are-we’re sticking with the goddess references here-fit for Persephone ruling over hell. As for the Grudge-looking dress (fourth down, far left), I could be reaching, but is anyone else seeing that as a nod to the oil spills polluting our oceans? Because that would just add yet another layer to this collection. 

Regardless, it’s all impeccable and I’m in love. Iris Van Herpen as a MET Gala theme. Make it happen.

Anyway, to end on a high note, that’s it for this post! 

Sorry it’s such a sudden cut-off but Jean Paul Gaultier was due to be my second to last to review and due to it being the final show, there’s an onslaught of photos that would not fit with what’s already in this post. Plus, I’d rather start a post with Jacquemus then end it as I feel like there’s a lot of hype around his collections online right now so 1). it’s clickbait (for what, I do not know, as I’m not exactly making any money off this blog, just losing my sanity as it transpires when Tumblr accidentally terminated it earlier today and I had a minor breakdown) and 2). this Steve Buscemi meme is the most accurate representation of only 21 year old me to grace the internet:

I will aim to post part 2/2 in the next week, including JPG, as I just mentioned, the Jacquemus co-ed show, Margiela, Valentino and more, and as always, thank you for anyone who read until the end! You are an angel:-)

Lauren x

[radramblog]

Adventures in the Forgotten Realms Commanders

Due to circumstances I won’t get into at time of writing (don’t worry it’s mostly good) I’ve been forced, dragged over, and required to actually fucking read all the new Commanders from Magic’s newest set, Adventures in the Forgotten Realms. I’ve only recently gotten deeper into D&D, I don’t know who like any of these clowns are (except Tiamat, obviously).

Also due to circmstances beyond my control (that are less good but understandable) my Commander night has been called off and I don’t get to play with my shiny new Cabal Coffers. It’s a bit sad, and it means I want to get my fix elsewhere.

What better way than to combine these two and just write about every AFR ‘mander? That’ll pass the time. There’s like, what, 30? I can manage that if I’m quick. Let’s get into it.

(No I’m not doing the precon cards I haven’t been staring at those all week)

Acererak the Archlich

The way I see this guy going is one of two things. You either do infinite Venture by making him free (not too hard in Black, what with Heartless Summoning, Carnival of Souls, etc.) and have a probably fine combo commander. For the record, infinite Venture does kill your opponents flat-out, BUT only because of Lost Mine of Phandelver’s Dark Pool room, and only if their life totals are lower than your deck count because you’re going to be drawing it in the process. That shouldn’t be an issue, but you never know.

The other option is just playing him fairly, which requires completing Tomb of Annihilation, and you just have a kinda mid Stax commander I guess? Eh.

Asmodeus the Archfiend

This Devil is clearly trying to echo prior Demons like Griselbrand and Vilis, but I’m not sure it’s going to be successful- if only because the mana investment means it’s a lot slower. And if he gets killed when you don’t have B up? Blown the fuck out. Add in no evasion and this is a God I’m happy to pass on.

 Barrowin of Clan Undurr

Okay so this is kind of like Alesha, in less colours and more mana, if you manage to complete a dungeon. And there aren’t that many dungeon cards, so you’re probably playing some bad ones to make up for it. This is definitely a 99’er in that Esper Dungeon precon, and certainly not a commander.

 Bruenor Battlehammer

In an attempt to solve one of Boros’s problems, Bruenor saves you a bunch of mana on equips and makes shit like Argentum Armor substantially more playable. He also gets kinda fuckin beefy with even just a few on him, hitting that 7 no matter what the first one is and 11 not long after. As far as Boros Boys go, you can do a lot worse!

 Delina, Wild Mage

Didn’t we just get this card? Like, in C21? This is harder to make busted than Rionya, but it is cheaper and works with legends, so fair call. There’s not enough “advantage” dice mechanics in Red, certainly, so you can’t go probability-mad with this, but it’s pretty decent value. It also happens to be a Shaman, so it works with that new MH2 card, and that’s fun.

 Drizzt Do’Urden

This guy has a lot of potential, and for added bonus, he has a cat! A lot of the cards that are good in this are the ones that are good in, say, Varolz, but honestly if you just want to play Selesnya Beatsticks then Drizzt might be the way to go. Can’t play him in Cats, though, unless you want to lose Kaheera, so.

 Ebondeath, Dracolich

Yeah I don’t think this one was for this format? I mean it’s super recursive, and probably a really good candidate for a Homicidal Seclusion/Deadly Wanderings deck. I think we need one or two more of that effect to make it actually playable, but I still like the idea.

Wait why isn’t this fucker a skeleton? WoTC Pls.

 Farideh, Devil’s Chosen

Look, I tried. I really tried, but there really just isn’t enough to make Farideh work yet. At least in black-border, as I think she’s probably one of the best silver-bordered commanders printed in a minute. A shame, because I sure do enjoy Tieflings, and the effect is legitimately solid if you can trigger it consistently.

 Grazilaxx, Illithid Scholar

While I imagine it’s a perfectly solid commander in their own right, basically Mono-Blue Edric but not group-huggy, where this is going to really shine is in Ninja decks. Holy shit, this is so nutty for those. Honestly, ETB decks in general are going to like them, because the choice of either taking damage and letting them draw or letting them reuse a powerful ETB is pretty tough. I like everything about this, except the art, because I’m not into tentacles no thank you.

 Gretchen Titchwillow

When Strixhaven came out, I thought Zimone was going to be the most boring Simic commander we’d ever see. But here comes Gretchen to outdo them.

Look, Simic can do good designs. Even at uncommon- Imoti, Moritte, and Eutropia are all super interesting in my opinion. But Simic being just draw and lands has become a meme, and I’m sick of it. Extremely so, for three main reasons- one, it’s boring, two, it’s been all over the place since WoTC decided +1/+1 counters being their only theme was bad (and, fair,) and three, it’s good.

Gretchen is the most boring card in the entire set, in my opinion, and I sure hope she isn’t a cool character in the lore because that’d be such a waste.

 Hama Pashar, Ruin Seeker

There are 21 venture cards in Azorius, and some of them are even good. Most of the Room effects are pretty minor, however, save for some of the endgame ones (and copying Cradle of the Death God is pointless, Atropal is legendary), so copying them isn’t actually a huge amount of value. I’d still play this in Esper Venture, but I don’t think I’d build around it.

 Icingdeath, Frost Tyrant

While this clearly isn’t built for this format, equipping this dragon with it’s own tongue is kind of a hilarious idea. You could do worse for Voltron decks, I guess, and in the 99 it’s both a thing to slap equipment on and an equipment itself- like a flying (and weaker) Halvar. Eh? I just wish the token wasn’t legendary- like yeah Flavour but this effect gets a lot worse when you can’t recur it. It’s rare that someone goes out of their way to kill an equipment that isn’t super busted, so Frost Tongue is probably hanging around for a while anyway.

Man, it feels awful if they bolt this one, huh?

 Inferno of the Star Mounts

Okay this is fucking cool. It’s a Shivan Dragon with haste, and that ability is probably pretty feasible to activate- keep in mind Braid of Fire and Neheb and the like are in the format- and combined with a swing will just kill someone. In fact, when I saw this, my brain immediately started looking for ways to shrink it, just so you can get multiple 20-damage wallops in a turn.

…there aren’t very many. But still! Even if you can’t get to 20 multiple times in a turn, getting to 21 once or twice is pretty good!

 Iymrith, Desert Doom

The fourth of our dragon cycle, because hey, it is Dungeons and Dragons. Iymrith reads basically identical to Dragonlord Ojutai, but without White- and for that kinda control deck, White is pretty nice to have. Iymrith can draw you more cards than Ojutai, but only if you’re low, in a blue deck, in Commander, so. With that said, a deck that just loads this with cheap auras/equipment might actually be pretty good, since they can load you back up on cards and keep the Voltron flowing, so, maybe? I’d honestly consider it if I didn’t already have Mono-blue Voltron as a deck.

 Kalain, Reclusive Painter

Okay this is super interesting. He is, unfortunately kinda fighting with the RB precon face, Prosper, for the new RB treasure deck, but for an uncommon there’s a fair bit going on here.

Actually, wait, is there? I thought about this for another couple seconds, and I don’t think this card actually does that much. It’s one treasure, and it benefits you a little bit for doing something you frankly don’t really want to be burning treasures on? Like it probably plays a mean Marionette Master, but everyone does that.

There really aren’t any other RB Artifact commanders, though, aside from Prosper or a partner deck. So ehhhh? Why are more people playing this than, like, Bruenor?

 Krydle of Baldur’s Gate

That’s a lot of words that don’t actually do a whole lot. I like the second ability, but Commander and especially Dimir aren’t hurting for evasion options. This is probably pretty good in Rogues, but that deck has a de facto best commander now, so. If this came out like, five years ago, it’d be kinda hype, but not anymore.

As an aside, I do kinda hate it when they just print a Tribal commander (or anything like this) that’s just miles and miles better than every other commander for that archetype, like with Anowon 2 or Edgar Markov or Anje Falkenrath. Wait….those are all vampires…….

 Minsc, Beloved Ranger

Shivam Bhatt did a fucking excellent breakdown of this character’s lore on twitter, which I recommend reading- the history of D&D’s lore is fucking wild. As it is, this seems like a pretty fun Naya commander- there’s plenty of creatures that get way better if you make them large, even if targeting Boo seems kinda pointless.

Also, I need someone to explain to me why the “Top Cards” on EDHREC for this guy right now are, like, all combo cards.

WAIT NO FIGURED IT OUT, unlike Marath he doesn’t say X can’t be 0 so you can use him as a sac outlet, for fucks sake people.

 Nadaar, Selfless Paladin

Hey remember all the things I said about the WB and WU dungeon cards? I mean, at least this guy could theoretically complete the dungeon on his own, but Mono-White is even more restrictive for what you could get, so. At least he draws a card every so often. And that anthem isn’t even remotely worth it, at all.

 Old Gnawbone

Green eating up more of the colour pie, I see. Now to be fair, I’ve pondered Mono-Green artifacts for a while, and this is probably a better leader for that list than Oviya Pashiri (but…I like her….), but beyond that I’m not sure what you’re doing with this. I guess people playing Sakiko because they think she’s actually good and not because they like her have a new commander.

This is fuckbusted in the 99 of like a million decks though. So there’s that.

 Orcus, Prince of Undeath

That…is so much mana. In a colour combo not especially great at garnering lots of it. The second ability scales fairly well, and it is a decent body on its own, but I don’t think this is going to be a particularly popular commander. Like, you have to pump 6 mana into this just to get a 2-drop back or to Infest the board? And that’s just the first time you cast it? Nahhhhh.

 Oswald Fiddlebender

Artifact Pod? Yeah, okay, sure, that seems reasonable at two mana. Keeping this mono-white was a good idea, I can’t imagine how insane this’d be in blue. I’m no artifacts expert, I’m no pod expert, but this has to be busted, right? Like surely there’s an easy way to infinite this? Someone with more brains figure it out for me, but either way it’s still a bunch of value and also a tutor in the zone.

(convert two random 2-mana rocks or wellsprings into Basalt Monolith/Rings of Brighthearth, okay that’s a good start)

 Shessra, Death’s Whisper

…ehhhhhhh. Okay, so, it’s a significantly worse Deathreap ritual in the command zone, and also a terrible Lure effect. Along with the flavour words on this taking up much more space than necessary, making the effects look much bigger and better than they are. Would it have hurt to give this deathtouch? Make it trigger on every end step? Lure more than once? I dunno, this just seems painfully weak to me. We’ve had an overabundance of Golgari commanders recently, to be fair- MH2 had 3, and before that was the enemy focused Strixhaven/C21, but that’s no excuse for this to be such trash- just look at Bruenor.

 Targ Nar, Demon-Fang Gnoll

I hope you like Gnolls, because that’s gotta be the only reason you’re playing this. Hello Tuya Bearclaw/Syr Faren/im sure a bunch of other boring commanders, this is another one of you. This looks so bad next to the Gruul precon (which is apparently somehow the first Gruul precon) and, well, every other RG general from the past couple years (save, again, Tuya Bearclaw). Even the fuckin Walking Dead guy is cooler than this.

 The Tarrasque

Disappointment part one over here is at time of writing the only commander from this set with a fat zero decks. Considering there were like 10 commanders at that number when I last checked, people are clearly trying out the set, so The Tarrasque being abandoned is particularly sad. It just…doesn’t do anything? It’s the fucking Tarrasque, and it doesn’t have trample, or a fear ability, or anything? Ward 10 is cute, basically being hexproof unless they have infinite mana (or an uncounterable spell), but really? I want more than this idiot for my 9 fucking mana commander. Ugh.

 Tiamat

I believe I’ve talked about Tiamat before, when she got spoiled, but I can’t be arsed finding that and dredging it up. I’m still disappointed, basically, especially since I’ve now read her statblock and know what she actually does. They could’ve given her a cool ability per head like Cromat, or had her recur like she does in the lore, or something. I genuinely would have preferred if she was an Emrakul-style massive game-ender (with a no-reanimation no bullshit clause) than this. How utterly meh.

 Trelasarra, Moon Dancer

This is literally just Ajani’s Pridemate but Selesnya and in the zone. Also you scry. Sure? It does also have two relevant creature types I guess, and they’d probably be good in a Soul Sisters deck. But it’s not like Selesnya was hurting for Lifegain commanders- this is basically just Lathiel but much leaner and voltron-ier.

 Varis, Silverymoon Ranger

Wait you can’t even play this in Esper Venture, fuck. With Flash effects, you can start clearing dungeons well quick enough, but like, for what, a Wolf? And these defensive keywords aren’t getting you anywhere either. Blegh.

Side note- I’m a big fan of tokens, and collecting various token arts, and I was extremely disappointed when I found out that the Wolf token from this set is just…the Zendikar one again? They didn’t reuse the 3/3 Angel or the Goblin or even the Zombie, why just that one? Something must have happened behind the scenes here.

Also….Silverymoon? That sounds like shit.

 Volo, Guide to Monsters

Hey, I know you, you’re from that one book. As much as Anti-Tribal sounds fun, I’m pretty sure this just turns into generic Simic value. Copying things is fun, I suppose, though not working with Legends hurts. I also appreciate that this supports playing a bunch of weirdo cards or ones that have fallen out of favor because they have more unique creature types- Anphin Mutineer, Acidic Slime, and Diluvian Primordial all seem like a lot of power here.

That said, is anyone ever letting this fucker stick around for a turn?

 Xanathar, Guild Kingpin

Hey, I know you, you’re from that one book. This card is completely awful to play in webcam-commander, so it’s a good thing we’re all getting vaccinated, right?

So this is UB Gonti, I guess? And also unironically not the worst combo commander, since it stops people from playing spells on your turn in a very White-like effect. Add in some Lantern-style effects and you can get a real stew going with this guy. He looks like a lot of fun- and I’m sure he’ll end up popular as a result. Well, that and being on the cover of an expansion book gets you a lot of notoriety.

 Zalto, Fire Giant Duke

 Our final card, our final Venture card, and the only red one. So, uh, there are literally 4 other Venture cards in mono-red, and at least one of them is complete dogshit, so I can’t imagine this being very good. Also, it’s an Enrage trigger on a 3 toughness 5-drop? Far from ideal. I guess it’s a 7 power trampler for 5, but that’s kind of faint praise to damn with. Maybe if someone makes 5C Venture, or if Giant/Barbarian tribal feel lacking, then this guy can find a home.

Shoutout to the exactly one person who built this deck, by the way. I see you, Elder Demon Highlander, and your 100ish views on your deck tech.

 And that’s the lot of them. Honestly, a lot more misses than hits, but that’s perfectly okay by me. 30 legends in a set is a lot, not to mention the 12 from the precons, and we’ve had so many actively playable legends recently that I’m fine with, like, half of these being trash. Trash is more fun anyway! Get yourself a fuckin Varis, why not.

Okay but seriously though who’s biting the bullet and building Tarrasque first? It’s not going to be me.