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bucky-at-bedtime · 4 years ago

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Stucky Fic Recs

So basically I went through all of my ao3 bookmarks and collated a list of some of my favourites (I couldn't fit all of them on this list, so if anyone shows interest there might be a part two).

Please read tags and descriptions of the works before reading, some of them are pretty dark or extremely horny so just make sure you check that the fic is for you!!

Please please please send me your favourite fics in return! I am always happy to hear fic recs, headcanons and any other ideas/comments you all have!

Without any further ado, here are a few of my favourite Stucky fics:

‘Not Easily Conquered’ series by dropdeaddream, WhatAreFear

Rating: M, Words: 117,692

https://archiveofourown.org/series/115516

“I told you, you heard me: I told you never to follow me into Hell. Now I’m not vain enough to think that’s why you’re out here now — if there’s any person in what’s left of this God forsaken planet who’s part of a bigger picture, it’d be you. But I’ll keep saying it until it sticks. You got nothing to prove. I’m not worth much, I damn well know that, but I’ll ask you anyway: Stay for me. If you leave me alone in this world I’ll turn into something terrible. I’ll turn into the nasty creature that’s growing inside me. This war, it’ll swallow me whole”

[To me, this fic is like the classic Stucky 101 fanfic – if you're a Stucky fan and you haven't read this, I highly recommend it. The authors explore the Steve/Bucky relationship in such an interesting, tragic, emotive way and I cry every time I read it. I couldn't praise this work enough.]

‘Ain’t No Grave’ series by spitandvinegar

Rating: M-E, Words: 131,789

https://archiveofourown.org/series/426577

"Yeah, he never calls me by my name," Steve says. "It's always champ, ace, hotshot, that kinda thing."

"Man, that is flirting," Sam says. "That nicknames thing, he is flirting with you. He's just working his way up to calling you baby or something."

Steve goes redder than a damn coke can. Sam pumps his fist. "Yes, I am so right, I am wise as hell. He did, didn't he?"

"He called me sweetheart," Steve says grimly, "because he's a drug addict with brain damage."

"Or because he looooooves you," Sam says. Captain America throws a cookie at his head. Sam eats it, because he deserves a treat for being so damn wise.”

[I'm currently re-reading this fic and absolutely loving it. The way spitandvinegar writes Bucky's road towards recovery and Steve's entire characterisation – it's all just so good. It's another one that covers some pretty dark themes, so make sure you're checkin those tags!]

'Einherjar' by thecommodore_squid

Rating: M, Words: 71297

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7157024/chapters/16249814

But Steve was fine.

Sure, he hadn’t seen Bucky in months, and sometimes he was at the punching bag so long that his skin started to peel off to expose the bones of his fingers, and sometimes he couldn’t find the energy to drag himself out of bed, and sometimes he went weeks without sleeping, and sometimes he thought about throwing himself head-first off the nearest tall structure, but he was fine.

He was absolutely, perfectly, one-hundred percent, fucking fine.

AKA In which Steve learns how to deal with his shit, and Bucky learns how to stop leaving.

[basically the definition of a recovery fic, I absolutely adore it. This is tragic and amazing and makes me cry and smile. It’s got a bunch of fantastic cameos and It really just ticks so many of my boxes.]

‘Like real People do’ by 2bestfriends

Rating: E, Words: 67,775

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19887376/chapters/47103217

“"Ask me what?" demands Bucky. "I didn't hear a question."

Steve licks his lips. "Will you stay with me? Will you come back home, Buck?"

"Home," repeats Bucky in a small voice, and then he's crying for real.”

[Basically soft lumberjack!steve and lonely twink!bucky being horny and in love. This is a comfort fic for that’s really just about my favourite boys falling in love.]

‘This City Bleeds it’s Aching Heart’ by anonymous

Rating: E, Words: 34,537

https://archiveofourown.org/works/835829/chapters/1591736

“The one where Steve and Bucky pose as a happily married couple while on a mission for SHIELD, to catch an international arms dealer hiding in a suburban neighbourhood.”

[The plot in this one is just a good time and i think it’s just a really fun take on the fake relationship trope. Also some really great characterisation.]

‘Home is Wherever I’m With You’ by cydonic

Rating: E, Words: 88,570

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18868081/chapters/44783077

“Bucky kisses Steve and Emma goodbye before they leave for school, which is why – partway down the road – Amelia turns to him and asks, “why are you and Daddy kissing?”

Which is definitely a conversation Bucky’s been expecting since Steve just did it, but it still takes him by surprise. Again, he thinks he should wait for Steve, but Amelia’s not the sort of kid to let anything rest. Plus, Bucky’s taking her to school where she will undoubtedly share the story with anyone who’ll listen.

He also stops to think that Steve’s asked him to stay, which means Bucky must be trusted with their happiness and well-being, at least in some small capacity.

Bucky clears his throat and searches for some explanation that will help Amelia make sense of this sudden turn of events. “Because we love each other,” is all he comes up with.”

[Bear with me, this is a House Flipper!Bucky Au. And dad!Steve. I just love a found family trope I’m not gonna lie to you. Another comfort fic that warms my lil heart.]

‘Lucky Seven’ by BetteNoire (WeAreWolves)

Rating: E, Words: 94,364

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7033105/chapters/16002481

“Back from where--?” James says, the sentence ending in a distinctly undignified squawk as Steve sweeps him up in his arms, bridal-style, and starts carrying him upstairs.

James tenses momentarily then relaxes into Steve's arms and throws back his head and starts laughing. The laughter peals out of him, his body shaking, his amusement occasionally broken by little gasps of pain.

“What's so funny?” Steve frowns.

“You are,” James says, still giggling. “You're ridiculous, Steve Rogers.”

“Behave. Or I will drop you,” Steve growls.

[The shrunkyclunks modern AU of my dreams featuring Mechanic!Bucky and cap!Steve and some really beautiful writing.]

'Dishonor On Your Cow' by mandarou

Rating: E, Words: 111695

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10659162/chapters/23589582

“Sergeant Barnes?”

“Oh, hell no, don’t call him that, man,” Sam warned.

“Captain Fuck Off!” Barnes shouted over him. “Fight me!”

Steve didn’t know whether to laugh or just slink away. He managed to combine the two by pacing two steps and snorting instead. Like a bull.

“I’m gonna need you to calm your ass, Barnes,” Sam said as he went limp again, obstructing Barnes’s struggling under him. “This is so undignified. That is Captain goddamn America.”

“Captain goddamn America!” Barnes repeated, louder. And angrier.

Steve cleared his throat again. “I’ve been looking for you,” he told Barnes.

“I hope you brought lube this time!” Barnes shouted.

[I’m not gonna lie it took me a minute to get into this one but by the end I was crying with them, laughing with them, and just really in my feels. Some very insane things happen so here’s a few of my favourite tags: ‘Seargent Barnes is done with your Shit Steve’, ‘blatant disrespect of a man’s motorcycle’, ‘Steve you ding dong’ and ‘PR nightmares in the form of Supersoldiers’.]

Propietary Information by Notlucy

Rating: E, Words: 85141

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11964402/chapters/27054777

“Okay, so Bucky Barnes has a crush on Steve Rogers. The guy's gorgeous, talented and, oh yeah, the Chief Design Officer of the biggest tech company in the world. In other words: he's so far out of Bucky's league that he might as well be in a different stratosphere.”

[We were never gonna get through this list without a Sugar Daddy!AU (I have a weakness). This one is… saucy and sexy and sweet and uh pretty kinky so read the tags and all. I’ve read it a few times, and I love the way the author has written Steve in this one, he just makes my heart go '!!!']

‘Roots Have Grown’ by AustinB

Rating: M, Words: 17280

https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912451/chapters/15767941

“Bucky is a mildly agoraphobic veteran with funds to spare, who becomes enamored with the cute blonde guy in his building.

So when Steve mentions needing a roommate to cut down on rent costs, Bucky decides it would be a good idea to volunteer.”

[Another weakness of mine is Roommate AUs, and this one is phenomenal. I tend to go for post serum!Steve stories more often, but this is a pre-serum Steve that I just adore.]

‘The Cold Never Bothered me Anyway’ by icoulddothisallday

Rating: E, Words:75562

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11728869/chapters/26425530

“Bucky Barnes has spent his whole life in a state of mild hypothermia. Steve Rogers has spent the last 70 years in the ice. The two things aren’t related until, suddenly, they are. Shrunkyclunks soulmate AU (AKA the awkward bb au).”

[I think this is the only soulmate AU in my bookmarks? I would totally be down to read more though! This one is really fun and really enjoy Bucky’s characterisation here!]

'War, Children' by Nonymos

Rating: E, Words: 106615

https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373050/chapters/12409394

“After Bucky was released from the hospital, it only took him a couple of weeks to give up on himself. Difficult to believe in any kind of future when the simple act of staying alive was almost too big an effort.

Out the frosted window, across the street, there was a tiny homeless guy burrowing under an awning.”

[An interesting exploration of Bucky’s PTSD with a trans!Steve which was a cool take on his character too!]

'The Company You Keep' by orbingarrow

Rating: G, Words: 51191

https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468605/chapters/7613072

“Hurt, hungry, and on the run, the Winter Soldier doesn’t have a lot of safe options to go to for help. Figuring that any friend of Captain Steve Rogers is unlikely to be HYDRA, Bucky takes a chance and reaches out to the first Avenger he can find.

It works out better than anyone could have expected. Eventually.”

[hurt/comfort, recovering Bucky, protective Steve, found family and domestic avengers, need I say more? I absolutely loved this one]

#stucky #stucky fics #stucky fic recs #fic rec

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shades-of-stony · 3 years ago

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Post CA:CW Fix It Stony Fanfics

Making Amends by TheseStoriesAreWrittenOnMyHeart

Summary: Everything about them happened in seconds. Their first meeting was quick, with Tony landing next to the Captain, each man giving a curt nod and name in greeting. Their argument on the hellicarrier took mere seconds to escalate. Until Steve was goading Tony into putting on the suit and going a few rounds and Tony not so subtly reminding Steve that he wasn’t afraid to hit an old man. It was only seconds of staring at Tony on that New York City Street, his arc reactor dark, no rise and fall of his chest, for Steve to know that inside the tin can, was a good man. Then Ultron happened, and it took seconds for their world to change, seconds for Steve to throw his shield at Tony and for the billionaire to send a repulsor blast back. They went from laughing and relaxing to standing on an edge thousands of feet above solid ground. And now…now everything’s changed. And all it took was a combination of seconds; of decisions made, actions performed and words spoken that they couldn’t get back. Just a few ticks of the clock for their world to shatter.

It’ll take more than that to make things right.

Note: This one deals with amending the accords. It is about how the avengers pick up after the civil war and how they learn to be friends again. It is an incredibly detailed and well written piece! Also, NO TEAM CAP OR TEAM IRON MAN BASHING. I was only supposed to re-read a few chapters to recall the story and give a few-word review but I ended up re-reading the whole goddamn thing. It’s a masterpiece.

maybe love is the reason why (we're seeing it eye to eye) by parkrstark

Summary: "I'm sorry. Repeat that again." Tony leaned forward in his seat from across the table. He even stuck a finger in his ear as if he was cleaning it out. "I don't think I heard you right."

Fury rolled his eyes-- or well, eye. "You and Rogers need to go undercover as a married couple in a community out on Long Island."

After Civil War, Tony and Steve are sent on an undercover mission as a couple to try and find Hydra informants. Somehow, they end up with Peter as their undercover son who decides to play matchmaker even if the two of them are doing their best to ignore their feelings after Siberia.

Note: My latest Fix It read! It just completed today. This fic is a phenomenal read, with its fake relationship, superfamily, undercover, and sexual tension elements! A definite 1000/10!

and this is the map of my heart by CydSA

Summary: The Avengers are splintered - spread out across the world.

There are many things to regret. The biggest one is what could have been.

Tony refuses to have any more regrets. Steve realizes that perhaps he made the wrong choice.

It starts from here....

Note: Here is some sweet, sweet, Civil War Fix It. It dwells deep into the Accords, how Tony fixes it, and the downfall of Ross.

floating point exception by ooka

There is something, he knows, to see a man as mortal. To see his fault lines and jagged edges instead of the smooth surface they present. Most people don’t like the illusion, whether it be good or not. They don’t want people like him to be human.

But that’s what he is, under the suit and the smile and the sunglasses. Under the bravo and the quick grins. He’s just a man, trying to hide his broken pieces, the dents in his heart, the washed out color of his soul. He’s just a man, trying to solve problems and make the world better. That’s why he’s Ironman, just a man in a suit. Nothing extra.

The place where the arc reactor used to rest in his chest aches so fiercely for a moment that Tony can’t breathe.

He takes in a few breaths and does what Tony does best - pushes it down and goes to work.

(Tony, after the Civil War. Post CA:CW)

Note: A 150k+ fanfic that is centered on Tony, his issues, and his struggles. PREPARE TO CRY.

Not Enough Scotch for this Matchmaking Scheme by desolateice:

Summary: After Civil War and a lot of healing the Avengers are fed up with the stubborn silence between Steve and Tony and try to take things in their own hands.

Note: A Fix It where the ‘kids’ play matchmaker to bring their fighting ‘parents’ back together!

Never Eye To Eye by vorkosigan for mrsgingles

Summary: After the Civli War, the Avengers were back together.

How is everything going, Tony? Pepper had asked in her email. It's fine (Tony had written back). I'm fighting with Steve all the time. Everything is going to hell. I'm okay (you know I'm always okay).

(Or: How Tony and Steve learned to be a bit gentler with each other)

Note: A 26k+ fic where Steve and Tony learned how to be friends again, and more. It deals with the struggles and frustrations they had just to salvage their friendship.

Fly One More Time (Alternately Titled--The Phoenix) by RavenLost2187

Summary: Steve couldn't see them before.

But then he woke up and there they were.

There's a small problem though.

One of his teammates doesn't have wings like he should.

And that's Tony Stark

Note: Some winged fics anyone? This has a bit of a Team as Family element and not to mention that glorious Civil War fix it theme!

What it’s worth by masterlokisev159

Summary: Tony's scent is off. Wanda realizes why.

Note: Here is a Hurt and Comfort fic for you with a dash ABO elements in it!

Sunrise Over the End of the World by Sapphic_Futurist

Summary: When Dr. Strange arrives at an Accords Committee Meeting and warns of the coming of an alien megalomaniac set on destroying the world, the Rogues are pardoned and Tony finds himself exactly where he never wanted to be. Back at the Compound with Steve, who still can't take a hint and won't leave him alone.

In which Tony is broken and Steve finds redemption.

Note: A Bad case of Tony acting like nothing happened and doing his goddamn best to avoid Steve. It’ll work all out in the end. Well, it will get worst first before that though..

We stand together (or not at all) by Jana_C

Summary: It’s so easy to hate this man, so painfully easy. He’s the embodiment of rich, white male privilege. He’s irritatingly arrogant, and he doesn’t always think before acting, and even when he does, he manages to twist his logic around and shape it into something that will always benefit him, and yet, here he is, building the guy who killed his parents an arm, without having been asked; working his way through diplomacy and politics, even though he hates it with every fiber of his being, just so he can correct the mistakes all of them made. She watches him go and sighs, small and tired, before texting a single line to Steve. Get ready to come home.

Note: Anyone up for some Tony Whump and Appreciation fanfic?

You Don’t Only Get One Shot by janonny

Summary: In which Tony voluntarily carries a tracker around, and learns how to talk to Steve all over again in-between and during kidnapping attempts.

“Leave you alone for two months, and you have an operation all set up to track wayward Hydra cells and rescue innocent billionaires,” Tony said, his tone skating the line of annoyance and admiration.

Note: a dose of Stalkerish!Steve (but not in an entirely creepy way because he just wants to keep Tony safe dammit).

You've Got A Sister Now by ZaraMelMercury

Summary: It's been a year since the events of the Avengers' Civil War. Tony Stark is trying to pick up the pieces of his life, while juggling his work, his remaining friendships, getting therapy sessions for Rhodey and dealing with government politics, as well as the Accords.

It is a bit rough, but he's got Pepper (always a steady rock by his side), Rhodey, Happy and the Kid- Peter Parker. Tony would never admit to it up front and center, but you could always catch a proud look on the man's face whenever the young Spiderling was mentioned!

Life seemed to be looking up...

Except for one, minor detail:

Steve Rogers.

The hope for one reconciliation, surprisingly, led to another!

A new bond that would form that Tony would ultimately always be thankful for.

"Oh, I wanna take it back!... " "No, no, no, you can't retract it!"

Who would've thought it?

Tony Stark has a sister looking out for him, after all.

Note: Here are some Tony and Nat friendship for you! This one isn’t exactly a solid fix it but one with a more of hopeful ending.

The Bro Code by Sullen

Summary: In a world where the Winter Soldier is found years earlier and is named Tony’s godfather, Zemo plays a different R-rated video and Siberia goes a little differently.Or –Steve breaks the bro code.

Note: This is just too cute and wholesome not to include.

WIP

Used to be Mine by Fangirlingmanaged

Tony can't even recognize himself nowadays.

Note: This one certainly deserves a place at the heavy angst category because that’s what it is. HEAVY ANGST AND HEARTBREAK.

#stony #stony fics #stony fanfic #steve and tony #stevetony #stevetony fanfic #stevetony fic rec #SUPERHUSBANDS #steve and tony fics #stony fic rec

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afewmarvelousthoughts · 3 years ago

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All of Me Ch. 2

Master List: @afewmarvelousthoughtsadmin

Pairing: Bucky X Plus Size!Reader / OC

Summary: To say Bucky Barnes hasn’t been adjusting well would be an understatement. Without Steve or any sense of direction, he feels lost at sea even though he’s back home for the first time in half a century. Until, Jude.

Could a woman from his dark past help him find his way to some kind of future?

[Named reader, that’s what I’m calling this, as it is written in second person. A little different than other reader fics but I hope you have fun stepping into Jude’s shoes!]

Warnings: Self depreciation, feels, that is about it!

A/N: For those who reblogged and commented on chapter one, thank you!!! It seriously makes my day to see that something from my head brought you a little joy.

TAGS ARE OPEN

Jude looks up at him from behind a curtain of dark tangled curls. Even with blood pouring from her nose--courtesy of his most recent blow--she looks ferocious.

It’s the eyes. There isn’t an ounce of fear in them like there should be. She’s all fiery rage and unshakable defiance.

He hates it.

Not because he holds any animosity toward the woman. She’s trapped just as he is. He hates it because all her defiance, her rage, her strength only means they will break her that much harder. And for some reason, he doesn’t want to see her shattered. Even more, he desperately doesn’t want to be the one who does it.

As he watches her rise to one knee his stomach twists. He’d give so much for his goddamn mouth to work, to have control over his tongue just for one moment. All he needs is enough time to tell her to stay down, explain how much easier things will be if she just bends to them. To not make him-

She stands, shoving the hair from her face she spits a stream of red onto the grey concrete. When she meets his eyes her bloody teeth are bared like a wild animal, hatred radiating off of her.

“Again,” the voice in the speaker commands.

Like a man possessed, he attacks.

He shoots up, gasping for breath, body slick with sweat.

For the past four nights, she’d been there, waiting in his dreams. Never as the surprisingly warm and charming woman he’d met in that alley, not that he’d expect his mind to ever be that kind. No, it was always violence and blood. Always the sick taste of regret and shame.

Coffee could at least combat that last bit. On the TV, the early morning news just started, the clock on the bottom of the screen telling him it was just after 4am. A completely acceptable time to make a pot.

Groaning, he rises from the floor. The dream left his muscles tense and sore in a way that stretching didn’t touch. For a moment he swore he felt every single one of his 106 years.

Bucky tries to find some kind of peace in the routine actions of morning--methodically folding the blankets he’d slept on, replacing the couch cushion he used for a pillow, measuring the coffee, filling the tank--while the news anchor droned on about the MTA being overwhelmed with demand post-Blip. He knows it’s a pointless endeavor, peace was elusive at best and he was pretty damn certain he wouldn’t find it here.

It isn’t even 5am by the time he’s downed two cups of coffee, showered, and is out the door. There wasn’t anywhere for him to be, nothing to do, but he knew well enough by now that staying in his apartment any longer would have the walls closing in.

As he steps onto the quiet Brooklyn street he pulls his gloves over his hands, studying the sturdy leather. Spring was getting closer and he hoped it was a cold one. Once the heat set in he wasn’t sure what he would do. Walking around with a jacket and gloves would be miserable but the stares and recognition the arm would draw would be worse. Maybe he’d just follow winter around, like a deeply confused bird.

The irony was that he hated the cold, always had.

Every winter had been fraught for Steve, his already precarious health inevitably sent teetering ever closer toward disaster with the cold. Bucky could have taken on any asshole Steve picked a fight with but there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to shield him from pneumonia or worse. And that, the thought that he couldn’t protect someone he cared about from harm, that was the worst.

There were other reasons he hated the cold. Less depressing ones.

Summer meant beach days. Building sandcastles with his little sister Rebecca, laughing as Steve let her bury him in the sand. It meant the freedom that came with swimming out as far as he could, the water holding him, his mind free as he floated on his back watching the clouds.

His steps falter as a wave of melancholy threatens to pull him under. Slumping on a nearby bench he tries to take in deep breaths even as his thoughts turn ever more morose.

Those people who took those beach trips were all gone. Even James Barnes, a boy who built sandcastles and blissfully let the ocean hold him, was gone. His body may be sitting on this filthy bench and not rotting in the ground as it should be but for all rights and purposes, he died at 28.

Snorting out a hollow laugh he thinks about how that boy would have reacted to Jude. He wouldn’t have run from a gal who asked him to dinner that’s for damn sure.

Had he run? Not really. He’d just removed himself quickly from a situation that would have, no doubt, been an absolute disaster. Really, it was better for both of them in the long run. After all, what could they give one another besides painful reminders of a past he was certain she wanted to forget as much as he did?

A sudden, uncomfortable, possibility occurs to him. If he’d been stuck in a horrible loop of nightmares the past few nights, had he put her in the same terrible position?

“Fuck,” he sighs.

He had to check-in. Had to be sure she was ok. He wouldn’t let her see him but he would just see if there were any signs that he’d done more harm than intended. It was the right thing to do.

Besides, he reasons, it wasn’t like he had anything else going on.

Given that he was basically stalking a woman he had a terrible history with, the comfort he felt falling back into the routine of observation had to be a clear sign of just how horribly fucked up he was.

Or how lonely you are, a voice whispers. He pushes that away. Alone was better.

A hollow spot opened in his chest as if to prove him wrong. Slowly the spot filled with an itchy anxious sensation that soon covered his whole body. He leaned against the low roof wall as his lungs refused his commands to draw in oxygen.

What were those techniques the doc taught him? Fuck, he wanted to scream but the sound formed a lump in his throat, making swallowing hard.

Five things. He was supposed to name five things he could see.

Forcing a painful breath he clocks his backpack, the rooftop door, his water bottle, protein bar wrapper, and… a pistachio shell that just fell in his lap. He shook his head, probably a damn pigeon, he should be happy it didn’t drop something vile on him instead.

Four things he could touch. That was the next step.

Another breath and he touches his backpack, the rough rooftop, and… another shell that falls in his lap. And another. Suddenly a small rainstorm of pistachio shells pelts him.

What. The. Fuck. The confusion he felt overwhelmed the anxiety just as a little paper crane landed in the pile of shells now gathered on his lap. On one of its delicate wings the words, Open Me, were written in precise bold letters.

Carefully he unfolds the paper creature, the note making a shameful blush heat his face.

If you’re going to creep around my shop, the least you can do is buy a book.

Or several.

-J

He peers over the wall. Jude, stands in the door, popping nuts into her mouth. When she sees him she gives a little wave sending another shell to ping him right in the middle of his forehead.

Even though he knows it was unlikely that anyone saw something so small, he still scans the street with concern. When he looks back, she’s disappeared into the shop.

He tries to fight down the small smile forcing its way across his lips and fails.

Without giving it more thought he heads down to the shop. He had been meaning to get something to read for a while now.

Honestly, when you wrote that note you’d fully expected him to ignore you. It had just been something to pass the time and, well, after the way he’d left before you were a little curious as to why he was back. Hadn’t he said he’d wanted to ‘close the door’?

To your surprise, no sooner had you settled back behind the counter did you catch a large figure moving with far too much grace from the alley across the street.

Well then.

“Afternoon!” You say as though the bell above the door was announcing any other customer. “Can I help you find anything today?”

He studies your customer service face for a beat before answering, “No, just browsing,”

“Great! We are closing in 45, but let me know if I can help.” You’d swear there was the glimmer of a smile in his eyes as he nods, popping down one of the aisles.

Over the next half hour, you only catch glimpses of him as he makes an impressive show of browsing. The effort was endearing in an odd sort of way.

With 15 minutes till closing, you grab a few books that needed reshelving and begin your rounds. It wasn’t a large shop, the walls were lined with shelves while six free-standing shelves about eight feet long formed the aisles. Each shelf was about seven feet tall and had its own old-school sliding ladder--not that you needed it, much easier to use your ability to reshelve something above your reach.

On the last aisle, you find Bucky crouched down, fingers buried in the fur of a very contented giant orange cat. Victor, hearing your approach, rolled onto his back, to face you and release a loud raspy meow as Bucky fearlessly began giving him belly rubs.

“Yes, I see you’ve made a new friend,” you say to the cat.

Bucky shyly glances up at you, “He kept flopping by my feet. Was worried I’d step on him if I didn’t pay him attention.”

“That’s his favorite manipulation tactic.”

“Shouldn’t go showing your belly to strangers, buddy,” Bucky says softly to the cat.

“Eh, Victor is a pretty good judge of character.”

Bucky lets out a soft snort, “Not so sure about that.” Immediately, Victor dug his claws into the leather-gloved hand at his belly. “Hey now!”

You laugh, “Never correct a cat. They’re smarter than us and they know it.” Leaving Victor to handle his latest victim, you head back to the register.

Several minutes later, Bucky reappears, an unexpected stack of books in his grip.

“Is this enough penance?” He asks, setting them on the counter, not quite meeting your eyes.

“Nowhere near,” you tease. “Huh,” the sound slips out before you can catch it as you read the titles.

“What?” His tone is so on edge you feel ashamed for letting your surprise show.

“Didn’t peg you for a poetry guy is all.” He’d picked up a few anthologies of 20th-century American poets, a modern selection, and a collection of Black poets. And… The Hobbit. “Or fantasy.”

“What did you peg me for?” He asks, the edge that was there softening.

Looking up from the stack you study him. The air of sadness that waylaid you back in the alley was still there, making your heart seize. But more apparent was the stern brow, tight jaw, the way his broad shoulders slumped forward a bit as though he wanted to shrink himself. He seemed so stoic but, if that laugh you’d heard the other day was any indication, it was a facade. Or at least to some degree, it was.

Given that you weren’t blind or dead you also couldn’t help but appreciate the shape of his mouth, and, for some reason, the small bit of grey in his stubble was delicious. Even though you’d tried to ignore it in the alley, you had to admit he was rather beautiful. It was kind of annoying.

Bucky clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably. Staring at people is weird, Jude, you chastise yourself.

“If I passed you on the street I’d say historical non-fiction,” you spurt, which wasn’t exactly true. Had he been any other customer, you’d say he was more into classics--Austen, Bronte, Wilde--before history. Though you’d likely recommend a few non-fiction titles too.

He grimaces, “I think I’ve lived through enough history.”

“Fair point.” You check the price on the first book, typing it into the old register, “But your permanent glower screams ‘I only read for knowledge.’” That was true.

“I don’t-” You shoot him a sideways glance, daring him to deny it. “I will have you know I read The Hobbit when it first came out,” he deflects.

You don’t hide your surprise as you give him an approving nod, “You’re possibly the only person alive that gets to say you knew about Tolkein before it was cool. Congratulations.”

“Knew there had to be an upside to this bullshit somewhere,” the corner of his mouth quirks up just a bit.

“Happy to help you find a silver lining.” He huffs out the ghost of a laugh.

“Hold on,” you hold up the paperback copy of The Hobbit. “This was marketed to children when it was published, right?”

“And?” You simply cock a brow in response. “It had a dragon in it ok?”

“Wow,” you say as you tuck the book into a paper bag, “you’re a nerd.”

“I’m not a-”

“Oh no,” you shake your head, “this is not up for debate, Barnes. You’re a nerd.” You ring the rest of the books up, “It’s a good thing. Adds a bit of color to your whole,” you gesture at him again, “broody thing.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” he grins so broadly it’s almost a smile.

“Good,” you say, feeling a little smug for breaking through some of that ice. “Why didn’t you get the follow-up? Fellowship of The Ring?”

“Wasn’t there. Plus, it’s been a while, figured a refresh couldn’t hurt.”

“Well, let me know when you’re done and you can borrow my copy if we don’t get one in.”

“Does that make you a nerd?” He didn’t balk at the offer, which felt like a good sign.

“I’m absolutely a nerd. I’ve read all the Lord of The Rings books about four times plus the Silmarillion at least twice. And I’d rather not disclose how many times I’ve watched the movies.” You hold out your hand, “That’ll be $44.60.”

The shock of the price made it easier to fight his smile. Not because he didn’t have it, he actually had more money than he knew what to do with after the back pay from the government hit. It was just that the cost of things these days still caught him off guard from time to time.

Jude takes his card and passes him the receipt to sign. As he did, his heart began to pound in his ears. Did he just say thanks and leave? Did he ask how she was? Did he-

“So,” she pulls the receipt from under a hand he didn’t realize had paused over the paper, “if you’ll feed Victor, I can gather up the till and we can be outta here in ten.”

He blinks at her, watching as she punches a few buttons on the register. She said it so casually, so certainly, he wondered if he’d missed some integral piece of communication.

“His food is by his bowl in the back room. Only door on the back wall, you can’t miss it.” He remains frozen. “What?” She asks, a little of that mischief he’d noticed before sparks in her warm eyes.

“Did… Did I miss something?” He manages to ask.

“I assumed you showed up today to cash in on my offer to feed you.” She pulls the cash from the drawer, “Why else would someone spend the day lurking?”

“I wouldn’t say I lurked.” Which was a lie.

“You lurked. Hard.”

The next words out of his mouth surprise him so much that he isn’t sure they even came from his brain, “What if the lurking had less to do with food than your glowing company?” Her brows lifted, clearly as surprised as he was.

She didn’t seem bothered by it though, which he guessed was good. Her full lips, painted a striking deep auburn shade that played nicely off her eyes, curled into a sardonic smile, “Trust me, most days my company hardly qualifies as a night light.” He didn’t miss the note of sadness there. He also somehow knows that she’s dead wrong.

Looking away, she presses a button and the register noisily spit out a long receipt. “It was definitely the food.”

“Nah,” he says, turning away. “I don’t even know what Korean BBQ is. Door’s back here right?”

“Yup.” When he glances over his shoulder, he’d swear Jude’s cheeks were a little rosier than a moment ago.

As they made their way to the restaurant she gave him the rundown of their destination, which still didn’t quite make sense to him.

“Ok. So we’re paying to go somewhere and cook our own food?” He looks over at her, catching her eye roll.

“When you put it like that you take the magic out of it.”

“There was magic?” She elbows him lightly.

“It is a fun group activity that happens to produce food. Stop being a killjoy.”

“Not a killjoy, but…”

“What?” She groans looking over at him.

He grins, “Are group activities a favorite of yours?”

“Are you accusing me of being antisocial?” He tosses her a sidelong glance in response. After almost two weeks of watching her, he hadn’t once seen her spend time with people outside the shop. He figured she was only moderately more social than he was.

“Call it an educated guess.”

“So. Rude.” There’s no offense in her tone. “And I’m to assume you spend your free time playing intramural baseball and you go to brunch with the gals every Sunday?”

“Obviously.”

She laughs a little, “You should be honored that I’m willing to make an exception for you. Plus the sides are amazing.”

“At least you’re buying.”

“Yeah. So hush.”

A few feet from the entrance he realizes he recognizes the place, you often picked up lunch here. Already mouthwatering smells were wafting out, causing his stomach to growl just a bit. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

An elderly woman with a head of white hair sits behind the hostess stand. Her conversation with a young man ceases her face lighting up the moment they step inside.

“Yeobo!” She exclaims affectionately, throwing her arms wide to pull Jude into a bone-crushing embrace.

Jude laughs, returning the hug as she responds in flawless Korean, “Good to see you, Mrs. Phan.”

“I didn’t see your order,” Mrs. Phan holds Jude at arm’s length. “When did you call? I always tell them to put yours at the front of the line,” the woman tosses a disapproving look in what Bucky assumes is the direction of the kitchen.

“Oh, I didn’t-”

“You’re eating right?” She takes the taller woman’s chin in her hand, turning her face side to side. “I worry when you don’t eat, Judy.”

“I’m clearly eating,” Jude says with a good-natured laugh. “I actually brought a friend, figured we’d eat here.” Mrs. Phan peaks around Jude’s shoulders to see Bucky hovering.

“Oh,” she gives him a judgemental once over. “You didn’t meet him on the internet did you?” Her volume drops to a loud whisper, “Some of those people are no good, Judy.”

“No. He’s, uh, we met a while ago.” Jude turns to him with an apologetic expression. “Bucky, this is Mrs. Phan, her family runs the place.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Phan,” he says in Korean. The old woman’s features shift from suspicion to tentative approval.

“Well,” she nods. “Let’s sit you two in the back. More private.”

Once Mrs. Phan steps away he can’t help himself, “So, Judy-”

“Nope. You have not earned Judy status.”

“Is there a membership fee?”

“Yes. And you have to be a sweet Korean woman who feeds me lots and lots of bulgogi.”

“Steep price.”

“Very.”

“Can I get you two drinks?” The server asks as he sat down two glasses and a pitcher of water before starting up the grill in the middle of the table. “Granny said not to bother with a menu, she knows what you like.”

“Want a beer or anything?” Jude asks him.

“Sure.”

“I’ll take one too.”

“Two beers, got it!” The young waiter bounces off toward the kitchen.

“Do you ever feel ridiculous?” Bucky’s confusion must’ve been clear as Jude quickly adds, “When you order alcohol.”

Bucky shrugs, “Just seems…”

“Normal.”

“Yeah.” A heavy silence hangs until the server brings the beer.

She takes a long drink, “Any hobbies?” It’s an innocent question but he has to fight to not grimace.

The answer was no. He didn’t have hobbies or interests, at least nothing he’d consider good dinner conversation. He didn’t jog or box or whittle or whatever the hell people did these days.

“Not really.”

“I don’t buy that. Everyone has a hobby.”

“Do you?”

“Sure.” His curiosity must’ve shown because she continued, “I mean I work at a bookshop so obviously I read. I like to cook…” She trails off for a beat. “Not a long list but I like those things.” He nods thinking that was it.

“Seriously? Fishing? Poker? Chess in the park?”

“You sound like my therapist,” he downs half his beer.

“Ah! There you go, therapy.”

“Not a hobby.”

“Ok. Activity,” she says with a slight eye roll.

“Activity makes it sound optional, which it isn’t. Condition of my pardon,” he practically spits the last word.

“Never thought someone could sound so bitter about getting a clear record.”

“Would you want it?”

She looks into the middle distance, expression pensive, as she shrugs off her brown plaid blazer. The action is far more distracting than it should be.

Even seated, the tight fit of the mock neck tank top and the high waist of her straight-leg jeans perfectly compliment her ample curves. Her brows knit in thought as she rests her chin in her hand. He catches a glimpse of words tattooed on her arm but he’s drawn back to her face. Damn, she was just so… lovely. Striking actually.

A desert suddenly takes up residence in his mouth forcing him to finish his beer in two long gulps.

“I don’t think I would,” she finally says.

“Really?” He asks, genuinely surprised.

She takes a deep drink before continuing. “I kind of have one. In the sense that, as far the government is concerned, I don’t exist. Anything official would put me on their radar and I’d rather remain a ghost.”

A stab of worry spears his heart, “That’s a precarious position to be in, Jude.”

She gives a little shrug, “I’m used to precarious.”

Before he can say something ridiculous like how that sounds exhausting or that she shouldn’t have to live like that the food arrives. Their conversation switches focus to easier topics like what dish is what and what sauce or side is best with which type of meat. On the latter, he learned that it didn’t really matter, it was all exceptional.

“You know,” Jude says as their gluttony tapers off, “I’m always pissed about the booze thing. But,” she bites into a braised potato, humming with satisfaction, “thank fuck food is still good.”

“I’ll drink to that,” he holds up his fourth beer.

As their glasses clink and Jude’s smile washes over him he realizes with no small amount of shock that he’s having a good time. The food, the beer, her company, and conversation, all of it was strangely perfect.

Unease blossoms, spreading like a weed choking the delicate bit of happiness that had just begun to take root. Too often it seemed these small moments of light only drew the darkness in closer. The better and brighter the moment meant the aftermath would be all the worse.

“Hey,” Jude’s voice snaps him back. “You ok?”

Even though her expression lacks judgment he feels his stomach flip, he hadn’t realized he’d fallen away like that. He shifts in his seat. The room felt too warm all of a sudden, too loud, the woosh of the grills and the clinks and scrapes of the other diners rattling around in his brain.

“Yeah, he swallows thickly. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for.” She sighs, stretching back a bit in her chair.

“Ok,” she finishes her beer and sets it to the side, “if I eat any more I will need to be rolled home. You?” Bucky nods in response, not trusting his voice but grateful for her good timing.

Jude catches the server’s attention and asks, “So is she gonna let me pay?”

The server laughs, “You know the answer.”

“I do,” she sighs, shaking her head. Jude pulls a few bills from her bag handing them to the young man. “Just don’t tell her.”

“You got it,” he tucks them into his apron. “Have a good night!” With a smile, he disappears.

As they leave, he’s sure to thank Mrs. Phan for the amazing food. She beams at them both drawing promises that they’ll come back soon and giving Jude another tight embrace.

Before they’re out the door the older woman grabs Bucky’s left arm and he freezes, panic thrumming through him. “Now, you will walk my Judy home. Too many crazies on the streets.”

Jude stifles a laugh and he can’t help but smile, “Yes ma’am.” She nods approval and releases him.

Outside he feels like he can breathe a little better. Though being out in the open presented a whole new set of dangers.

“You do not have to walk me home,” Jude says with a soft laugh.

“I was already planning to,” he says matter-of-factly, shoving his hands in his jacket. And it was true. If they’d parted ways he’d still have made sure she got home safely.

“Such a gentleman,” she teases. He shakes his head, smiling despite himself.

“She seems to really care about you,” he says nodding back to the restaurant. “How long have you known her?”

“About five years or so.” The significance isn’t lost on him. “I… uh…” She clears her throat, “Of course there was the whole Blip thing then but I also had literally just gotten… out.”

“I know,” he says rather quietly. “I mean-” He pauses, running a hand through his hair as you wait to cross the street. “I saw the date in a file the Avengers had.” It was a sparse file, compiled after the Blip, but it had been enough for him to go off of.

Duh. Of course, he knew. You had already assumed that he’d found out about you from Steve. It was like your brain was misfiring. This wasn’t something you’d talked about… Ever. There hadn’t been an occasion to or desire, but it felt important for him to know.

“Right,” you say with a weird little half-laugh. “Anyway, before I got the job at the shop I was kind of…” Why could you not complete a damn sentence?

“Lost,” Bucky finishes in a tone that makes you feel like he knows exactly what you mean. You figured of all people, he likely did.

“Yeah. But so was the rest of the world at that time. It made things easier I think.”

“That makes sense.”

“I was just wandering around one day and she stopped me and asked when the last time I ate was. When I couldn’t give her a real answer she practically dragged me to the restaurant.”

He laughs softly, the sound warming something in you, “That doesn’t shock me.”

“She is a bulldozer,” you can’t help but smile, affection for the woman flooding you. “Been going a few times a week ever since.” He nods but doesn’t say anything more.

The silence isn’t quite uncomfortable or even charged but there is a tension to it. You wonder if, like you, he has questions he doesn’t know how to ask or is too scared to.

After a few blocks, you say, “I assume you know how much farther it is. I don’t exactly live close.”

“I… Well...” At least you weren’t the only one who wasn’t doing the whole words thing well at the moment.

“Oh come on,” you elbow him gently. “I’m fully aware you know where I live.” He looked like he was considering throwing himself into the busy street, “Don’t look so guilty.”

After a pregnant pause, he says, “I am sorry. For the whole… Lurking thing.”

You shrug, “I don’t hold it against you. It is weird.” You laugh at his painful grimace and lay a hand on his elbow, pulling him to a halt, “But weird is fine. I don’t think normal is really an option for people like us.”

People like us. Was that an ok thing to say? You did share a uniquely horrible history but still.

He averts his eyes and you feel guilty for teasing him, “I mean it though. You don’t have to walk me the whole way.”

“I don’t mind,” he starts moving again. You cock your head to the side, doubt written across your features, “Really. I like walking. Maybe that’s my hobby.” His crooked little grin makes your heart do a stupid stutter.

You take the bait, “See! I knew it would be some kind of old man thing.”

He snorts something like a laugh, “I am technically a senior citizen.”

“Should get you those velcro tennis shoes and some ankle weights. Really lean into it.” His chuckle feels like another win.

“Yeah, maybe I should.”

“I didn’t think about walking,” you let your eyes wander toward the lit windows above you. “I do a lot of walking. Outside of the usual commuting that is.”

“Where do you go?” You give him a little smirk. Clearly, he should know since he’d watched you. “I didn’t watch you 24/7. I have some respect for privacy.” The way his eyes crinkle tells you he’s not feeling morose like before.

“Again. Such a gentleman.” You pause as you wait to pass a large crowd outside of a restaurant. “Nowhere if I’m being honest. I tend to wander at night if I can’t sleep. Which is to say I spend more nights wandering than not,” you try to sound light-hearted but it comes across as hollow.

“I get that,” he says so softly someone else would have likely missed it. You look up at him, a shadow had fallen across his features, one you, unfortunately, understood all too well.

The blare of a horn followed by rubber shrieking against the pavement interrupts your thoughts. Before you register the crunch of metal and shatter of glass, you find your back pressed against the grate of a closed storefront. You can feel the ghost of metal fingers from where they bit into your forearm to place you behind Bucky.

It is an overreaction but not one you can hold against him. Even though you had no doubt he’d moved faster than what many would consider normal, it was far better than the way you sometimes lost touch with gravity if startled. Fast people were less suspicious than floating ones.

After a few breaths, it was clear there had only been an accident. Nothing for either of you to be worried about. At least as far as your safety was concerned. You see his back heave with a deep breath, clearly having come to the same conclusion.

Those broad shoulders droop a bit as looks over at you, “Sorry.”

Your fingers barely graze his shoulder when he quickly steps away from you looking at the accident, “They seem to have it handled.” From what you could see he was right. Just a usual fender bender, even if a particularly nasty one.

He scans you, turning away then back again, a hand dragging through his hair. “I didn’t mean…” He sighs, “I mean I…”

“You didn’t mean to do something noble?” You don’t have to reach for the smile that spreads over your face, “I would never accuse you of anything so close to heroics as protecting me.”

The relief that floods his features is so powerful you practically feel it. He huffs the kind of laugh that is more catharsis than humor, “Good. Can’t be misleading you like that.”

For the rest of the walk the two of you are mostly silent, more on edge and observant than you’d been previously. Yet it feels rather comfortable, perhaps just because you didn’t have to explain why your sudden need to speak had disappeared. Without asking you knew he understood and that was… Refreshing.

“I actually had a good time tonight,” Bucky says, stopping in front of your building.

“I don’t know if I should take that as an insult,” you poke. “I’m joking,” you say when his face falls. “I did too.”

He nods, clearly repressing a smile, “Well, thanks, for dinner and the company.”

“You’re welcome.”

After a bit of a pause he starts, “Have a good-”

“Oh wait! Give me your number,” he blinks at you blankly. “So I can let you know if we get in Fellowship or you can tell me when you’re done with The Hobbit. Whatever comes first.”

“Right.” He rattles it off as you enter it into your phone.

“Perfect. We’ll be in touch. Night!” You turn and head for the door.

“Night,” he says with a touch of humor. You look back to take note of the direction he heads in.

When you step into the entry you text him your name followed by the wizard and dragon emoji. Then:

Jude: I assume you know how to respond to this. It’s a text message. Kind of like a telegraph but faster.

Those three dots appear and disappear a few times before he responds:

Bucky: Ha. Ha.

You could imagine the look on his face so you send:

Jude: I bet this is you

Followed by the stern face and eye roll emojis.

Surprisingly he sends:

Bucky: I think that’s just my face these days.

Now you laugh for real and shoot over a couple of crying laughing faces.

Not bothering with your keys you open your door. Tossing your bag aside you strip out of the blazer and tank top letting them fall to the floor, replacing them with a dark grey, almost black, hoodie. Phone and wallet shoved in your pockets you head out again.

A thin neck gater and beanie were already in the hoodie pouch. You pull them on as you push open the door to the roof of your building. Tugging the gater over your nose, and giving your surroundings a quick scan, you hop to the adjacent roof. The mix of brute strength and your ability make the action effortless.

This mode of transportation wasn’t always ideal, but it did allow you to cover more ground quickly. In just a minute or two you could peek onto the sidewalk and see Bucky.

Likely, you could have just asked him where he lived and he’d have told you but it was just as likely that he’d have kept that information close to the chest. Plus, you couldn’t think of a good reason to know other than leveling the playing field; and that only made sense if you viewed him as a threat, which you didn’t.

Truthfully, you were just curious. And as weird as this was, hadn't you said normal wasn’t the default for people like you?

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#bucky barnes x plus size reader #bucky barnes x plus size!reader #bucky x plus size reader #plus size!reader #bucky barnes x reader

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all1e23 · 4 years ago

Text

Between the Stars [Pt.10]

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Series warnings: CHARACTER DEATH. Grief. Overall sadness. Depression. It’s pretty angsty if I’m being honest. Things mellow out as the series goes on. TW: Military/Spouse death. **Smut.** 18+ please and thanks.

A/N: This chapter has my whole Goddamn heart. I wasn’t planning on posting. I am just going to see how this goes y’all. As always my beautiful beta @moonbeambucky made sure this wasn’t trash and I adore her. If you like it write me a book report, sing me a song or come scream at me.

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam, though! Thanks!****

The last month has been the hardest thirty days since Steve died and the heartache you were feeling had nothing to do with that loss.

Things between you and Bucky have been awkward since his late night confession. You didn’t know how to feel about any of this. Bucky admitting he loved you when you were kids was not something you ever saw as a possibility. Or maybe you convinced yourself it wasn’t one. Looking back now, there were moments that it was obvious. Right there in your face, shining brighter than the sun, and you chose to ignore it. Even after you married Steve, there were times you caught Bucky staring in such a way it stole your breath; he never tried to hide it, or at least he wasn’t great at hiding it. He became angry with you every time you attempted to set him up with someone, and then there was the night out, everyone had been drinking and things were said that shouldn’t have been. The jealousy you felt at the thought of Bucky finding another girl pretty enough to take her home still stings. You hadn’t realized it was jealousy until now, but it was. The anger in Bucky’s eyes that same night when he told you not everyone could be as amazing as your husband — he couldn’t be Steve.

You’ve never wanted Bucky to be Steve. Now you were wondering if he even knew that?

While the truth made everything a lot clearer, that didn’t mean that any of it made sense. If anything, things between you only became more complicated now that you knew his secrets. Bucky felt the divide as much if not more than you, and began spending more time away from the house. It started with taking his bike out for a drive that would last several hours at a time. He would come home long after you had fallen asleep and you suspected it was so he wouldn’t have to talk about all the things that needed to be said. You didn’t want to talk. You just wanted to lay with him.

Things quickly spun out from there.

More and more, his days were spent with Sam or visiting his mom. What could you say? Please stay here with me instead of visiting your mother and sister? It wasn’t like when he first came home. Not that you were anywhere close to being healed or normal or whatever everyone around you expected you to be, but you could get up and live. You didn’t need him to be the crutch that kept you breathing. You could breathe all on your own. So, you let him go without a word, hoping things would go back to normal. Or, a new normal? You didn’t want to forget everything that was shared or pretend you weren’t feeling the way you’ve been feeling these last few months. You did want Bucky; you wanted him back home with you. You know how selfish it made you, and you didn’t care.

That selfishness quickly turned into desperation. You were desperate to have him back, you tried over and over to make plans. Resorting to scheduling time with your best friend, the man who lived in your house just to get some time alone with him, but it was next to impossible. There have been more canceled plans than plans followed through the last three weeks. Bucky was avoiding you. There was no point in sugar-coating it to spare your feelings. Most nights he spent away from you were spent with Sam, and you knew that. Still, it hurt to know he simply didn’t want to be around you. When Bucky finally makes his way home, he always smells like bourbon. Those evenings you spend alone, but on the rare occasions he does come back in time to sleep with you, he sleeps facing you so you could rest your forehead against his chest or bicep.

Even those moments were few and far between lately thanks to an incident two weeks ago. Bucky stumbled into bed thinking you were asleep, and in his tipsy state, he whispered some things that will forever be etched into your memories.

“I should have chased after you—that night. I should have made sure you knew I loved you,” you could hear the disgust in his voice, and you wanted to sit up and tell him you were awake. You shouldn’t be listening to this when he never meant for you to know these secrets. “I should have told Dot to go find someone else because I belonged to you. Had since we met. Wouldn't have changed much, though. Once Steve kissed you, I could see it, it was like you woke up or somethin’. I’ve never seen you smile at anyone like that. Let alone at me.”

It was silent after that, and you thought he had fallen asleep, but then you felt him press a kiss to the side of your head, and he whispered into the dark, “Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to tell you when you’re awake.”

He didn’t know how much you knew, but it was clear just saying the words out loud pushed you further away. You hated this and wished you could take it back. You wished you never brought up that night and kept your childish notions to yourself. If only you could take it all back, change the way you felt then maybe things would be okay again.

The house was quiet when you snuck in the back door. You told Bucky this morning you would be gone all night, out with Wanda for a girl’s night so that he could have the house all to himself. That part was genuine. You had gone out, but the longer you were out, and the more time you spent away from Bucky, the more you wanted to be with him. You ended up calling it an early evening and waited in the dark until you saw Bucky head out onto the back porch with a small glass in his hand.

He hasn’t wanted to see you lately, anyway.

Steve’s hidden stash of whiskey was on the counter, and your heart hurt at the sight. You catch sight of Bucky leaning on the back porch, red dot glowing between his lips and three fingers of amber liquid floating in his glass. You quickly scurried upstairs and crept into your room, opening the door just enough to slip in because the squeak in the hinge will give you away. You heard the glass doors off the kitchen shut and a glass clinking against another, you closed your eyes and forced yourself to stay put and get ready for bed. There was nothing you could do to help him when he didn't want to see you.

Bucky trudged up the stairs, carrying his bruised and beaten heart behind him. The soft yellow light spilling into the hallway from your bedroom had him stopping. Your door cracked several inches. It wasn’t like that before. He slowly moved towards the open door enough to spot you standing in front of the long dresser on the far side of your bed by the bay window. You were slowly undoing the buttons of your shirt after shimming out of your jeans, and Bucky couldn’t move even though he knew he shouldn’t be watching you like this. You didn’t need to hear the tiny exhale he let out to know he was standing there. You could feel him. Standing there nearly naked with your grey flannel (Bucky’s shirt technically) unbuttoned and hanging open leaving your black lace bra and black cotton boyshorts on display, you should feel embarrassed or self- conscious. You didn’t. You glanced up from the floor, locking eyes with him. Neither of you says a word. Bucky slowly stepped one foot into your room, making sure it was okay before moving any further. When you make no move to throw him out or curse him for even considering this to be okay, he slowly moves across the wood floor with careful steps on bare feet.

His eyes fell to the black lace taking you in as if it’s the first time he’s truly seeing you. Bucky looked back up and met your eyes as he slowly reached out, running a thumb down the soft, thin material covering your breast. You inched forward, settling your hands on his ribs, clutching the worn navy-colored fabric of his shirt between your fingers. Bucky’s head tilted his head just enough so he could run his nose down yours, and he smiled when you tilted your chin towards him. His hands came to rest on the sides of your face, and he let his lips ghost over your skin. They hovered over your cheeks, the corners of your mouth, but never touched your lips. When your mouth fell open, lips barely parting he took his chance and tentatively pressed his lips against yours, softly letting them linger there for the longest three seconds of your life. Bucky scanned your face looking for any sign of regret the moment he pulled back, and when he found none, his lips claimed yours again this time without hesitation or uncertainty.

The kiss was gentle despite the desperate want behind it and not at all what you thought kissing Bucky would be like. He was in no rush for this to be over. His lips moved over yours, slow and delicately. He tasted like whiskey from the bottle you knew was still resting on the counter downstairs, and there was a faint smell of cigarettes lingering on his shirt. He always smoked when he was distressed and hurting, and you hated it. With the way he was gently parting your lips with his own, smoking was the last thing on your mind. You honestly didn’t know what you expected but, kissing him like this made you dizzy, and when your knees went weak from the high, Bucky kept you from falling.

His right hand fell to your back, pressing firmly into your skin as he walked you backward until you bumped into the dresser behind you, giving your shaking legs support. The lamp that sits atop the old wooden chest wobbled and fell back into the curtain, dulling the soft yellow light, leaving a more delicate peach hue to fill the room. It stayed where it fell. Neither of you daring to let go of the other. Bucky hands have yet to leave your skin, much like his lips and you wanted it to stay that way. You didn’t have a lot of experience kissing, but it’s never felt like this. It’s never reached inside and grabbed a piece of you, stealing your breath and maybe a bit of your soul.

A sweet sigh led to several short soft kisses that allowed you to catch your breath. With closed eyes, Bucky pressed one last honeyed kiss to your lips, and his forehead fell onto yours. You were trembling but not in the way you thought you would be when you found yourself here again. Bucky looked apprehensive when his eyes opened, the hand on your back pressed further into your skin, and he took a deep breath.

“We can blame it on the whiskey,” Bucky whispered, his breath warming your swollen lips.

That would be the easy thing to do. Blame all of this on the alcohol; tonight and the bonfire. You could end whatever this was before it became messier. Tell Bucky to leave, sleep in your bed for once, and wake up in the morning, pretending that Bucky didn’t just steal your heart with a simple kiss. You could do all that, and Bucky would act as if it never happened. There would be no guilt or shame he forced on you for wanting to take it all back. He would still love you the way he always has. That was the right thing to do, and that’s what you should tell him.

“I haven’t had any,” you whispered back instead.

Bucky gave you a sad smile and shrugged his shoulder. "We could still blame it on the whiskey."

There was the out if you wanted to take it. You weren’t sure if it was an out for you or him. It was hanging there in the air regardless. If only things were as simple as walking away and forgetting. You’ve been straddling the two lives, two versions of you for long enough, and you were so tired of faking it.

“I don’t want to be sad anymore, Bucky. I’m tired of being sad, and I’m so tired of pretending.”

“Pretending?” Bucky questioned. You could hear his heartbeat, you could swear it. It was hard and fast, pounding with uncertainty against his chest.

“What part of you has been pretending?”

It’s terrifying how one simple question can change everything.

“The only part of me that’s real is one tied to you.”

You were playing with fire, but you’ve always had a way of finding trouble, and Bucky’s always been fond of the kind of trouble you were made of.

Bucky didn’t know what to say to that so he let his hands say all the things he couldn’t. They brushed gingerly down your sides, lightly running down to the top of your thighs and playing along the edge of the black cotton covering you. You wanted to memorize the way his fingertips felt on your skin in case you never again get the chance to feel them. His hands were rough in the right places and soft where they needed to be. The roughened calloused thumb and forefinger and that thin line running down his middle finger through his right palm to his wrist -- an incident with a knife while they were deployed a few years ago.

He reached behind him and pulled his shirt over his head, and your hands immediately found his skin trailing soft fingers over the various scars. New ones you’ve never seen and some old ones that made your skin crawl from the haunting memory. The scarred skin on his left shoulder left you with that queasy feeling. You almost lost him that time. They nearly took his arm, and you could still hear Steve’s voice in your ear, desperate and tear-filled coming down a scratchy satellite phone to tell you that Bucky may not be coming home.

Your lips brush over the scar from the bullet that ripped through his shoulder nearly taking him from you and Bucky’s breath hitched at the contact. You wished you could take that pain for him. You know how much it still bothers him, especially when it’s cold, and there are nightmares tied to the scars that won’t leave him alone. If you could, you would take those, too. You slowly pull back to find him watching you intently. There’s a long pause from you both. Did he need the assurance that you both wanted this, and it wasn’t a mistake? Did you? His breath heavy, the desperate want between you making the air thick and hard to breathe. The silence in the room was overwhelming, and it was the confirmation you both needed.

Bucky’s left hand came up to grip your hair, and he pulled you forward with a gentle demand, swiftly claiming your lips. Rough fingers push the sleeve of his flannel from your shoulders enough that it fell onto the floor on its accord. There’s a kiss to each shoulder as he nudges the straps of your bra off your shoulders, unhooking it with one hand and letting it join the pile at your feet. You briefly wonder how many times and with how many other women he's done this. How many of his one-night stands has he touched like this? The thought was quickly extinguished when you felt his lips gently land on the tip of your nose. He bumped your noses together, wearing a small smile when he kisses the corner of your mouth and presses a sweeter, softer kiss to your lips.

He’s never done this before. He was making sure you know it’s never been this way with anyone. He's never held anyone the way he's holding you now, nor does he want to.

Bucky urged you back towards the side of your bed, stopping right before the mattress could brush the back of your legs. He hesitated, glancing from the bed back to you. It was a question. Did you want to do this here? Because he would understand if you didn’t. There wasn’t much of a question in your mind despite his worry. Your fingers land on his belt, slowly undoing it and pulling it from the loops. It was okay to want this, and it was okay to want this here. Bucky wasn’t a dirty secret or something shameful you had to keep hidden.

There was nothing shameful or dirty about what you felt for Bucky.

Kicking his jeans to the side, Bucky dropped to his knees in front of you, he grasped behind your knees and pulled your legs out from under you dropping you back onto the bed. You squealed softly and Bucky’s deep chuckle followed, making you shiver. With thumbs hooked in the waist of your panties, he slowly tugged them down, kissing each ankle as your foot slipped free. The room felt hot. Maybe it was the fan spinning on low or the heat of Bucky’s shoulders under your legs. It could be how he was staring up at you with his eyes darker than you’ve ever seen and his hands sliding up to cup your ass, lifting your hips to meet his mouth.

A lecherous moan bounced off the walls and Bucky hummed against you. It didn’t take much. The first feel of his tongue and your legs were quivering around his ears. The intention was to taste you, not tease you until you were begging for release. It was easy to tell with the way he devoured you from the moment his lips were on you. He wanted to savor the sweet taste on his lips. You simply couldn’t stop your pleas for more. You couldn’t fight it. The burn from his beard on your thighs and the strokes of his tongue had you squirming. He didn’t relent until you were writhing and coming undone under him.

Bucky stood between your legs, panting, and still wearing the evidence of your orgasm glistening on his lips. You couldn’t take it another second. Leaning up onto your elbows you tangled the chain from tags around your hand, pulling him to you. The kiss is wet and frantic. Not like before. You could taste yourself on his tongue and it only spurred you on. Your hands were steady, rushed but steady, as you tugged his boxers down. Bucky’s hand lands on top of yours, slowing your movements. He needed this slow. You both did. There was a breathy, please that fell from someone’s lips. Neither of you are sure whose.

With a gentle push to his chest, you guide him to sit back against the headboard. His necklace fell back to his chest, gripping his biceps with both hands to steady yourself as you straddle his waist, and Bucky’s hands came up swiftly, gripping your hips and halting you from sinking down on him. His eyes frantically roam your skin, his thoughts were racing and you could hear every one of them as if they were your own. He’s searching for the truth in all this. Is this all something he imagined? If he takes the chance will you fall with him or is he on his own? It’s the same thought making your legs tremble. You pressed your forehead against his and took a deep breath.

“It’s okay,” you whispered. “You can fall, Bucky. I'm right here with you.”

Something about your words made the tension he was holding dissipate and left him with an easy smile. His grip on your hips slowly loosened, the shake in his hands steadied as you pressed a kiss to his lips and you sank down on him. His head tilted back against the headboard and his mouth fell open at the feel of you clenching around him. You didn’t move for a moment, giving you both a minute to adjust. Allowing your head a chance to catch up to your heart. The hand on your waist slid around your backside, urging you to move with a gentle tap. Fingertips wandered every inch of your skin, exploring every inch of you as he watched you breathless and rocking against him.

His palm comes to rest over your heart, closing his eyes as your heart thumped against his palm letting him know this was real. You were here with him, and this was no dream.

It was quiet save for the creek of the headboard, your heavy breaths, and Bucky’s soft, guttural moans he couldn’t stop. You came apart first. The sight of your mouth hanging open, gasping for breath, and quivering in his arms pushed Bucky over the edge. He came clutching your thighs and whispering your name. It was a pretty sight.

Your bottom lip was still trembling long past the last wave when you asked if he felt the same thing you did.

“Did you fall, too?”

Bucky smiled at your question and cupped your face in his hands, kissing you sweet and sure between heavy breaths.

“Yeah, Trouble. ‘Bout fifteen years ago.”

You rest your forehead against his jaw and press a kiss to his neck—Bucky’s lips land on your shoulder, his beard tickling you enough to make you wriggle. Bucky grinned, wrapped an arm around your waist, and slipped down low enough to cover you with the sheet. There was a brief worry that you were cold, but you simply burrowed further into his chest, assured him you hadn’t felt this warm in a long time. You would both need to leave this bed and get cleaned up at some point, but for a few minutes longer, you could stay right where you were.

Bucky had every intention of soaking in this moment that was never supposed to be.

A conversation needed to be had. There would need to be explanations and assurances. None of this was planned. You hadn’t meant to fall for Bucky. He loved you in a way you didn’t fully understand. You wanted to though, if he was willing to show you. You wanted to let him love you. None of what you were feeling was intended, and it was never meant to be a replacement for what you had. He was different. It was something new—a new kind of old you never wanted to lose.

New was nice, it turned out.

Previous // Next

#bucky barnes x reader #Bucky Barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #Past!Steve Rogers x reader #alternate universe #military au #TW: military death #tw: death of a spouse #tw: character death #smut

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inessencedevided · 4 years ago

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A very overdue cql/mdzs fic rec list

for @accidental-child

I am so sorry this took me so long Axel! The pandemic has really done a number on my time-management skills and things like this often fall behind :/

The fics complied here are the ones i have not recced in the list for @helianthus21 before. You can find that one here, so you can check it out as well :)

The Wei Wuxian makes a wish series by natcat5

My attempt at a summary: this is a madoka magica AU (which i had not watched prior to reading this fic). Cultivators, in this universe, are created when a teenager makes a wish to the creature named Kyubey, which than grants them their wish and the power to fight witches, strange and destructive creatures of despair that lure people into their labyrinths. Wei Wuxian, at the beginning of the story is not a cultivator, but his friends are and so is the mysterious new student at his school, lan wangji, who follows him everywhere and seems to be obsessed with preventing him from making a contract.

My comment: my attempt at a summary does not do this story justice and is really just a setup. Honestly i cannot put into words how much I loved this story. It kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time. It made me laugh, it made me cry for entire chapters, it drew me into it's world so much that I freaking dreamed about it! (I'm not kidding, I really did) Honestly, this fic deserves so much more attention than it is currently getting. Not only is the plot expertly crafted, with reveals that shock you and leave you reading, but the author also just gets the characters. The best thing an AU can do, in my opinion, is take familiar characters, put them in unfamiliar situations and then manage to make the way they react believable. And this AU nails that! The conclusion and the choices that Wei wuxian and lan Wangji make in the end felt exactly right. Not to mention, it has a stellar ensemble cast! Everyone is here (except Xichen sadly and I kind of think it is deliberate because without him, Lan Wangji lacks a support system). Again, I cannot recommend this story enough. It is, without doubt, my favourite fic series in this entire fandom. (Caution however: Do read the warnings in the tags and notes and take them seriously. They are there for a very good reason.)

Agapé (home is in your arms) by estel_willow

Author’s summary: Lan Xichen is in isolation. Wei Wuxian visits him. Together they find their way back to happiness, to clarity and to home.

My comment: This one focuses on both Lan Xichen’s and Wei Wuxian’s issues and lets them resolve them together. I am such a fan of their characterisations in this fic, as well as Lan Wangji’s even though he is not the focus. I love it when non-romantic relationships are the focus of fics and especially when they are central to the character’s resolving their own issues and moving forward in life and that is exactly what happens here.

until you're big enough by lostin_space

Author’s summary: Lan Zhan is sad and not hungry; Lan Xichen asks Nie Mingjue to help him.

My comment: This one is a really short and sweet read about how Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue parent the their younger brothers. I just really liked how the author portrayed todler Lan Zhan, as well as these two teenagers doing their best to be the parents that both he and Nie huaisang lack.

Night Music by Manogahela

Author’s summary: There is a music that plays in the night at Cloud Recess....but there isn't suppose to be. Lan Xichen investigates the mysterious dizi music that can be heard from the Jingshi at night following the Siege of the Burial mounds.

My comment: I absolutely adored this one, mainly for two reasons: 1. I love an outsider perspective and Lan Xichen’s, at this point and with his limited knowledge is absolutely wonderful. First, he isn’t even sure is what he thinks is happening really is happening and when he is sure, his feelings are, understandably very conflicted. 2. The author’s style compliments this fic so well. Since most of it happens at night and Xichen isn’t entirely sure that he can trust his senses, there is a certain dreamlike quality to it that the author writes beautifully. This fic is part one in a series. Part two is a WIP, but also very much worth the read!

Company by WithBroomBefore

My summary: In which Wei Wuxian is whipped within an inch of his life by Madam Yu when he is fourteen and comes to stay at the cloud recesses. He and Lan Zhan become friends.

My comment: My summary once again does not do this fic justice. Because it is so much more than just that. It’s such a beautful exploration of friendship and love and bodily autonomy. Wei Wuxian has a lot to work through in this fic, but really, so has Lan Zhan who has the opportunity to make friends at a much more mellow pace than in the novel/show and panics a little less because of it. The war still happens but has much less dire consequences. All in all, this fic left me with a wonderful warm feeling in my chest.

you are safe / loved / worthy / enough by everythingispoetry

Author’s summary: One of the more timid-looking posts, in pale greens and creams and yellows, says Hello, I'm managing to be fairly high functioning right now but I'm really not doing as well as it may appear, and Lan Zhan feels as if someone sneaked into his mind and read his most secret thoughts, the ones he's never even dared to admit to himself.

(In which Lan Zhan, to his own dismay, finds himself with the help of the most obnoxious, cheerful, cheesy self-care instagram account known to men.)

(And Wei Ying.)

My comment: Listen, I have a complicated relationship with fics that depict mental health struggles in characters. They are all so incredibly valid and I’m glad they exist (every single one of them, no matter if i like them or not) but due to the fact that they tend to come from the author projecting their own issues onto characters (which is NOT a bad thing! that is what fanfic is for!) they are often hit-and-miss when it comes to characterisation. But this story ... it just GETS Lan Wangji. If someone told me a scenario in a modern AU that leads to him developing an anxiety disorder and depression, this is what I would have come up with. Because let’s be real, Lan Wangji is a perfectionist to boot, insanely competitive and needs to live up to his family’s expectations, while also not having much of an emotional support system outside of his brother and uncle. That’s a dangerous cocktail in the modern world and just screams of a burnout waiting to happen. So Lan Wangji, off to university, living alone in a strange city for the frst time, spends all his time in a carefully calculated study routine but slowly realises that the path he set out on was not one he chose because he liked it but simply the one that was laid out for him by his background and family, which then leads to him questioning the reason behind what he does. That reads as incredibly real to me. A good AU, in my opinion, takes the characters and their inherent characteristics and lets them meet new and unique challenges that they never would have encountered in canon, which then leads to new and interesting character developement. And this AU manages that perfectly! (Plus, if you are a university student like me who sometimes suffers from crushing anxiety about the path they chose in life, this is insanely relatable. What? I never said I wasn’t biased :P)

porn (but not actually) and waiting (a lot of it) by hyacinth4maria

Author’s summary: Lan Xichen sighs as he settles into the couch next to Lan Wangji.

"What are you looking at?"

Lan Wangji, without pausing from typing the names Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in the Love Calculator 3000, says, "Porn."

Lan Xichen chokes.

- Lan Wangji has a crush. Lan Xichen hadn't realized his little brother was growing up.

My comment: this one was hilarious! Just Lan Xichen being both absolutely exasperated and amused by wangxian’s pre-teen drama. I almost choked laughing at the line that coined the title. The author has these characters down to a T and they used their powers to attack my laugh-musccles :D

the field meets the wood by astronicht

Author’s summary: Wei Wuxian is a dark shadow in the barley. Wei Wuxian is sorry for the kind of compassion that he is about to hand out.

(in which Lan Wangji is stolen for salt, and Wei Wuxian unravels the world, a little)

My Comment: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SO GOOD. Do you ever read a story and just marvel at the author’s mind? This is one of those. The sheer genius of giving Wei Wuxian the ability to pull entire beings into non-being! The absolute galaxy-brain idea to link the canon mythology to modern astrophysics!!! Wei Wuxian creates a motherfucking black hole in this one!!! And it’s SO well written, too! The author does not shy away from Wei Wuxian’s sharp edges and his darker side but goddamn if he is not still loveable anyway. Just GO READ THIS FIC!

Abandon your post by StarsAlignNomore

Author’s summary: After months as Chief Cultivator and separated from his soulmate, Lan Wangji follows Wei Wuxian out into the world. He searches for him. He finds him. He kisses him. They reunite, they talk, they resolve. Sometimes Bichen lends emotional support. Chenqing bites. Little Apple is there too.

Your typical Post-Canon-Reunion-Fic with much more emphasis on their spiritual weapons than expected.

My comments: This one just left me with a lot of mushy feelings. Also I adore the way the author emphasised the relationship between Lan Wangji and Bichen. And by the end, Wangxian finally figure shit out through actual open communication. Absolutely beautiful!

#cql fic #cql fic rec #mdzs fic #mdzs fic rec #mdzs #cql #wangxian #wangxian fic rec #lan wangji #wei wuxian #lan xichen

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ourstarscollided · 4 years ago

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jatp fanworks appreciation - day 1 (writers)

motivation - so in true me fashion and my aversion to brevity, i've made three (3) posts (see also artists, gifs/edits) to celebrate the wonderful people in this fandom who have made my jatp tumblr experience what it is; a community of people who simply shout into the void about their love of a ghost band and their fearless female leader. i've enjoyed simply being on the sidelines admiring everyone's love for the show, but i thought this would be a good time to really show my appreciation for all these wonderful people, because if i've learned anything from this pandemic, it's that there is NEVER a wrong time to tell someone that they are simply ✨the best✨.

disclaimer: i don't interact with most of these people personally and i simply absorb their content from afar and scream about how wonderful they are in the tags.

This list kind of became a fic rec, so if you're looking for some wonderful fics to read (or reread), I've also included my favs from the author here as well.

Okay this is gonna get a little long so please bear with me. But I just wanted to preamble this by saying that the fanfiction written by the jatp fandom is what resparked my love for reading fiction after about 3-4 years of not reading for leisure (be an adult they said. it'll be fun they said.). So I'm really grateful for that? I don't interact with a lot of people, just because it makes me a little anxious, but I will constantly yell about your content in the tags as if I were on a set of bleachers with a megaphone.

I also know there are so many wonderful fic writers out there (on Tumblr and not on Tumblr) that make amazing pieces of work, and this is just a tiny peek into that, and is not at all conclusive.

Without further ado here are some writers who live rent free in my head, in alphabetical order, so feel free to just skip to your name to avoid my rambling:

@bluefirewrites -> your Merry Ex-Mas fic had me on the edge of my seat every single time you updated. I am so in love with how you wrote the characters into this and at how many words you churned out for this fic. This was filled with so much adventure, and it was really welcome during a time when the world wasn't allowed to travel. And I simply love all the other drabbles and fics you write, but I especially enjoy the hilarity of Ray Molina, Crime Scene Photographer and Matchmaker.

@captainkippen -> I'm pretty sure Love Drunk was one of the first fics I ever read in this fandom. Your stories and your writing feel so goddamn real and I find myself so immersed in the worlds that you've created. I have reread most of your jatp fics and I still manage to find myself stupidly grinning at my phone each time. Your stories flow so easily and are such perfect characterizations of the characters we know from the show, but elevated to fit into your verse. I cannot say enough how wonderful your writing is and how talented you are!! (also a slight nudge that I am still very much following along with The Key and the Crown and I hope you continue it!)

@catty-words -> Your???? Exhaustive??? Music??? Lists???? The amount of work and dedication and microanalyzing that you put into pulling out every detail from each scene is so admirable. You not only manage to find the details, but you also give us EVIDENCE via your intricately selected gifs. You could've just put the video of the performance, but no, you take your time to find that specific 1 second shot to emphasize your point. And your little fics that you sometimes throw out into the world? They're so beautiful, and so fun to read and I enjoy them so much! (I am STILL screaming about this band's a snack) Thank you for validating my yelling in the tags, and for feeding my hyperfixation to this show. (I'm sad these lists are ending soon, but it's about the journey ya know?)

@lydias--stiles -> I don't even know what to say here because I've yelled so much about your fics that I feel like there's really nothing else to yell. Your Road Trip AU was also one of the first ones I read in this fandom, and really just made me go absolutely feral. Pretty sure I absorbed the rest of your fics in an ungodly amount of time and I just simply think you are incredibly skilled and talented. Every time you post a new fic I always wonder what it's like to be in your head because the ideas you come up with are so unique and so well thought out. Thank you for all the art you create for this show, I will constantly be in awe of you. (Special shoutout to the 5+1 fic that became a 31 chapter monster)

@pearlcaddy -> This list would not be complete if I didn't mention you. First of all, thank you for suggesting this wonderful week, it has been so lovely to see so much love being spread around today. Secondly, I never thought I'd find myself reading a Buffy or a Wizarding World crossover fic, considering I know nothing about those two things. And yet I found myself on various nights after work at 3 in the morning just silently screaming and/or crying into my phone. Your writing is so insane. Your world building is so insane. Your banter/dialogue is insane. The way you capture the love between Julie/Luke in different universes is so perfect. Thank you for gifting us these beautiful pieces of art, and I hope you know that you have at least made one person (me) a very happy reader. I also really admire your dedication to "this will only be a oneshot", only to write like 4 other POVs for it. (Special shoutout to 100 Bad Days)

@ruzek-halstead -> Literally every single fic you have written lives rent free in my head. The way you've managed to build this universe of different Julies and Lukes, and each one still captures the essence of them is astounding. You've extended their characters beyond what we know from the show and I am just in awe of everything you write. Please know that dead of night is both triggering to me and yet the most hilarious thing I have read. (Special shoutout to the Fake Dating Christmas AU and of course the Cinderella Story AU)

@serendipitee -> Your stories and your writing are absolutely magical. I think Write It Down was one of the first multi-chapter fics that I followed super closely and whenever you updated, I would literally drop what I was doing and read it instantly. You have such a way of building the plot and the characters for all of your fics and drabbles, and making the reader just want more. Please know that I am so obsessed with Oh, She Waltzed With the Dead and I cannot wait to see where you take the story!

@sunsetcurbed -> I have no words for your writing. I am simply in awe every time I read something from you. The way you've got down Alex and Willie's voice to a tee is so crazy good. You write their characters and their stories with such grace and care, especially with how you approach the topic of mental health. Thank you for all the research you do and for also writing in your own experiences. I literally binged the Princes Diaries AU during work and lost a good half day to it, and I regret nothing because that fic left me in SHAMBLES. I secretly adore the way you say you're going to keep a fic short, and end up writing an insane amount of words for it. (I have not yet left my obligated long-ass comment on Chapter 4 of the College AU yet because I am still processing the fate/destiny concept.)

@tangledstarlight -> Gahh. Rosie. Please. This is going to sound a little repetitive considering I just screamed at you last night, but now I guess I will just have to publicly confess my adoration for you!!! Thank you for being my first online friend in a very long time, and for putting up with me yelling at you about everything (and also nothing at the same time). I can't believe all it took was one message about your Royals AU for you to post it, but I will gladly take that credit any day. You are so so so incredibly talented with your writing, and your ability to transport me to another world while I read your fics is unparalleled. I adore the way you can come up with a new story to write every day, and then proceed to throw it into your pot of other WIPs. I am so so so so lucky to have gotten to know you and am incredibly grateful that I now have someone to cry about everything with 🧡 (If you read anything from Rosie, you need to read her Seasons/Long Distance Juke "friendship" fic and the Reggie x Photography oneshot that made me bawl my eyes out.)

@thedeathdeelers -> No thoughts. Just soulmates. Jk jk, you know I love your Reggie x Ray x Carlos fics, and I will scream in the tags about it until the day I get more of those fics from you. This is lowkey a threat, but wrapped in kindness. You are so wonderful to see on my dash (albeit scary at times because of the sheer amount of headcanons and theories running through your head), but you radiate such positive energy that it's impossible to not want to jump in and scream about soulmates with you.

Some special mentions to fics that also live rent free in my head:

@sunsetsandcurves wrote a Willex Cruise Ship AU inspired by a Simple Plan song and it’s something I never knew I needed until I read it.

@phantom-curve wrote a Juke fic based off of Coney Island and I would just like to say, yes, it did shatter me. (Here’s the fluff sequel that makes up for it though)

@unsaidjulie wrote the Juke dog fic of my dreams and I simply cannot express how much I want the Molina’s to have a dog now.

@pawprinterfanfic managed to get me incredibly invested in a Star Wars AU even though I know absolutely nothing about Star Wars. I just know that I would die for two (2) space boys.

@sanssssastark your Later universe made me realize that I do very much want there to be more mature content for this fandom (and you constantly deliver).

@theobligatedklutz wrote a Tangled Willex AU that makes me screech every time there’s an update. Just read it.

@alexthedrummerboy your talent knows no bounds when it comes to your Social Media AU. Also she’s written ORIGINAL songs for Alex and Willie?!?!?!

@gennified has this really wonderful modern take on pride and prejudice for Willex and I’m so obsessed with how much miscommunication there is.

@bananaleaves okay, I just found your Tumblr today, and I know you don’t know me in any capacity, but allow me to scream about THIS FIC RIGHT HERE. If anyone in this fandom is to read ANYTHING, it’s this fic. This was one of the best things I’ve read in a long time and absolutely wrecked me. Please just read this.

This turned out WAY longer than it was supposed to, and I’m SO SORRY. (I also tried to make sure I got everyone’s pronouns right, so PLEASE let me know if they’re wrong!) A final sincere thank you to everyone in this fandom who writes. Your talent knows no bounds. Gonna stop talking now before this becomes an essay....

#jatp fanworks appreciation week #fic rec #if i realize that i've missed someone i'm gonna bite the bullet and send an ask to you okay. i will not let my anxiety STOP ME FROM #YELLING HOW MUCH I LOVE PEOPLE'S WRITING!!#idk what else to tag this other than i genuinely think this show saved my mental health and so have all the fic writers.#gonna post this now before i chicken out oky aklfwjepofae #motivation monday

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juuls · 3 years ago

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This was a comment left on chapter 11 of my fem!Tony Stuckony time travel/soulmate fic, Hanging From a Cross of Iron, and I just wanted to put a couple things out there.

First of all, I’m not mad. We’ll make that clear. I’ve received variations of this comment before and it’s rather on the mark. But sometimes both sides can be correct in how they interpret a piece of fiction, and I wanted to show that.

So… yeah. This is something I get every so often on this fic, especially around this chapter (10-12ish) and I just… really wanted to post my reply to it, if for nothing other than explaining the way my brain works and WHY I hate Captain America: Civil War so much for ruining so many good things in fandom.

I’m not putting this out there for sympathy or agreement or to start a fight or stupid shit. It’s more like a… “I’m tired of explaining myself, let me post something I feel is a semi-eloquent response to someone who was at least mostly respectful and got some things right, who I know does represent a fair portion of people who may be interested in reading this fic,” which I could then just point/link to the next time I wake up to things making me sad in my inbox on top of me being sad and feeling guilty at not having written for a while.

Stupid covid. Stupid life being dumb and depressing and draining energy and happiness from many. Just you wait. I’ll be back soon with Codega and this fic, Cross.

But here. This is my reply to the above comment:

So I don’t normally reply to critique such as this because this IS fanfiction, but you are at least part right: it IS supposed to be unfair.

This is me working out my issues with Civil War, because boy that sure as fuck pissed me off. I love Stuckony, but after CACW it was really hard to reconcile that love anymore. So this was my way to do that, and I 100% wanted to bring in the unfairness, the distrust, the favouritism, the… meanness that I saw and felt after that.

It’s also a way for me to work through my issues at the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband—I started writing this shortly after packing my bags and leaving.

I wanted a slow, somewhat realistic, non-fairytale path to even partial redemption, shared pain and circumstances and experiences, and to show that things CAN work out as long as certain lines are not crossed. I skirt the line sometimes, definitely on purpose, but that’s for ME.

I wanted to turn the tables: Steve (and Bucky) were out of their time and comfort zone in the future—Toni, in turn, needed to be out of her time and comfort zone in the past.

Plus, can you imagine a soulmate world where you’ve had a partner and you think “this is it”? Then bam! Suddenly someone’s suddenly thrust into your life.

And I wanted to play on every single issue Toni would have experienced with her family, friends, “friends”, enemies, Obie, her company, the world, etc., post-IM2.

None of them have had an easy go of it and war is goddamn hell. They ALL have PTSD. (But also, lol, the Howlies start laying into Stucky about what you’re getting mad about here too, so I’m way ahead of you!)

From the beginning, this was as much a psychological setting as a romantic one: way more so in the beginning. But it slowly crawls its way out of the murk. I wanted a soulmate story where it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I wanted a story where they had to fight for it… or where they had a choice, shitty as it may be (they’ll NEVER choose not to have Toni, that was never going to happen). I wanted something… realistic, even amidst super soldiers, super tech, an almost unbelievable war, and soulmates existing.

I wanted it to be a fight. I wanted rejection… then them, ALL of them, to choose each other despite that, despite their past, and despite fate.

That is my goal with this fic. And since I take my own sweet time, that’s really not readily apparent so soon in this fic, even at chapter 11.

The love will be there. The unconditional love, the equal triadic love. Not just Stucky plus Toni. Because believe me, Stucky is probably one of my least favourite ships that include some of my favourite characters. Sounds ridiculous since I write them here, but as a historian I wanted to take that, take some realism, with a dash of ridiculous and hurt and pain and anger, and see what I could do with that.

The entire reason this story exists is because of a scene idea I had that doesn’t come about until the future in the 20s chapters. Leaning on each other and trusting each other because one of them was lost. Well, technically, that happens twice.

But the point is: this is a long as fuck story towards a love they have to (and WANT to, eventually) fight tor.

This fic is for me. It’s for people like me. It’s for people who don’t want an easy love story. It’s absolutely okay that you don’t like it! There are SO many fics that I dislike for a variety of reasons, and I simply close it, mark it as Did Not Finish, and don’t return. I recognize not every fic is for me.

This one’s for me. I may have sort of stalled out where I’m at in the 20s chapters, but it’s left at a pretty good place, and I’m looking forward to this dumb pandemic so I can get back to forging this love between these three idiots, as well as pick up an old Star Wars story I left 4+ years ago due to the abuse at the hands of my ex. But I’m ready to return to it now. Well, after the world calms down a little.

It’s okay if you’re done with this story—that is 100% your choice and I will never begrudge you that. I’m glad you gave it a try though! If you’re interested, you could skip ahead and see how the dynamics have changed, or I could give you clips and examples too.

My one wish (though I understand it completely) is that you had not done this on Anon. For a few reasons:

1, I would never hold this opinion against you, especially because you got tons of it right! Go you!

2, I’d love to understand you better and discuss this with you. No recriminations whatsoever.

3, But I do wonder who of those who have read my other writings left me this message. It makes me a little sad, and I will wonder which of the people I talk to have this negative opinion of me now, but that’s also my own past issues rearing their ugly heads. You have every right to remain on Anon, though it’s not so nice when you wake from a nice dream and discover anon ‘dislike’ in your inbox on a work you slaved away on, and that the dislike is specifically about the things you wrote about deliberately, hah. Sorta funny, actually, so I’ll let that one go. xD

Thank you, though, even if I disliked reading this words: it helps me to look at my own work critically and to better understand how to frame and write things going forward.

Not every fic is for everyone, and that’s okay. I’ve encountered mine, you’ve encountered yours, but I think we’ve both learned from this interaction.

Whoever you may be, even if you divulge your handle to me, my respect for you wouldn’t diminish. It’s good to have healthy discussions and to look critically upon your own work—even if I am a sensitive bean and it hurts a little, I’m fine. :P

I think the lesson to be learned here is: fuck everything after CACW!!!! Grrrrr xD

Take care,

Juuls

P.S. I may post parts of this on my Tumblr because I do occasionally encounter similar complaints about this story, and I think maybe this is the most coherent and respectful enough comment-reply response I’ve had on this topic. Thank you.

P.P.S. Happy to talk privately too!

P.P.P.S. And the offer still stands for some lovely clips from future chapters, especially if you’re not considering continuing reading this story anymore; it’ll at least show what I’m talking about and what I’ve been working tirelessly towards. It’s hard—fucking hard—work to get past CACW and still like these characters together (my fic Paper Boats is probably one of my bigger testaments to that, oof) and I admit it’s still really really hard and I struggle with it. Covid isn’t the only reason I’ve sort of stalled out on that. But that’s more because I’m like “now what?” than not seeing any love between these three.

It’s a long journey. I knew it was going to be. But I like a challenge. :)

Take care, be well, stay safe, to you and all of yours.

And may you find many fics you love!

#fanfiction #comments #commenting #comment replies #stuckony #hanging from a cross of iron #my writing #i know i don’t need to justify my writing but i am rather lacking in confidence most days #so stuff like this does suck #but it’s also helpful y’know?#not mad! not sad! seriously #i like engaging in conversations about WHY we write what we write #:)

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bisexualbuck · 4 years ago

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My 911 Fic Writing Masterlist

(Last edited May 28th 2021)

I’ve finally decided to do a masterpost of all my writing for the show 911 which is the fandom I’ve written the most for. There are 33 fics in this post, holy crap.

(If anyone is interested, I’ve also written for Star Trek AOS, Leverage, the MCU, among many other fandoms.)

As a general note, I’ll say most of my fics have Buddie elements and I also try to have at least one Firefam moment. Also, please check each fic’s warnings.

This is going to be long so most of it will be under a read more.

Last thing, please! If you like any of these stories, please consider leaving a comment and reblogging this post.

Multi Chapter

Reaching In The Dark | 38.7k

It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.

But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.

Leave My Body | 23k

"Do you want to see how it could have been? You are so sure you've been a burden on everyone you've ever met, but I can show you the truth."

Buck dies but it's not the end.

(Inspired by the movie It's a Wonderful Life)

Encore | 20.1k

“I’m going insane.”

“Did something happen?”

A dark, bitter laugh bubbles out of Buck – a mockery of joy.

“Everything keeps happening, and it’s still the same fucking day. It’s always the same and every time it’s different and I can’t do anything.”

Buck keeps reliving the same day, over and over again.

Hurt/Comfort

Death, Be Not Proud | 10.1k

There are moments barge loudly into your life and, even as you’re going through them, you know they will change everything.

There are other moments that happen quietly, unnoticed, and it’s only afterwards that you know, looking back, that they have changed your life.

When the 118 is called to a decrepit house, they don’t think much of it.

Yet this will change their lives forever.

Silent Storm | 4.4k

Buck wakes up in the hospital.

Except he can't move. He can't speak.

But he can hear everything.

Dying Of The Light | 4.1k

If Purgatory was a place on Earth, it would be a hospital waiting room.

Buck is in a coma, brain-dead - or so that's what the doctors say anyway.

(Silent Storm told from the Firefam's POV)

No Kingdom To Come | 8k

Days pass, then weeks that soon turn into months. Buck doesn’t call, he doesn’t text.

They don’t even know if he is still alive.

Maddie files a missing person’s report. Athena checks for any mention of his name anywhere in the country.

Nothing pops up, no one calls.

Buck is gone.

The Courage To Heal | 1.4k

He remembers her perfume. Thick, flowery – it makes him retch.

Why does he remember her perfume? Every time he smells anything like it, he wants to throw up, he wants to rush in the shower and try to wash away the stink of it.

Why can’t he move on?

He’s had sex with countless people over the years, especially back in his Buck 1.0 days, so why does that encounter remain? Why does it make him sick?

Why does he feel so ashamed?

Buck opens up about Dr Wells, the therapist from season 1.

The Loneliness Never Left Me | 2k

“Buck is afraid he is gonna end up like Red, without friends, without family. He thinks the job is the only thing he’ll ever have and that he’ll always be alone.”

Silence falls around them, heavy and suffocating.

“We need to show him that he’s got us."

“Not show him,” Chim says. “Tell him.”

Forever Day | 2k

The man pulls a gun out.

He aims it at Buck’s head.

“If you take another step I will blast your brains on the ground."

Hollow | ~300

Bobby on the day of his late wife and kids’ deaths, with Athena by his side.

Those Days | ~600

A look into Eddie and Christopher having a bad day made better by having each other.

Little Hope | ~500

A moment of support between two friends, Karen and Eddie, as Hen lays unconscious in a hospital bed.

Firefam Feels

Alone Again | 1.2k

Post S04E04

After standing up for himself to his parents, Buck feels hollow.

He isn't sure how he finds himself at Athena and Bobby's home, but maybe that's exactly where he needs to be.

Make It Three | 3.2k

It takes him twenty full minutes to realize what he has said, and then it hits him like a goddamn freight train.

Oh no. Oh no.

Buck just hung up on the phone on Athena Grant telling her that he loved her like he’s been doing it every day of his life.

Oh no.

Buck slips up and tells Athena he loves her. He has a bit of a freak out.

Words Unsaid | 2.2k

“What’s going on?” Bobby and Buck say in unison.

“You two,” Athena announces, “are going to talk things out.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Buck says, like a liar. “Everything is fine.”

Buck overhears Bobby say that he's not his kid. He doesn't take it very well.

Lay You Down | 2k

Buck is sick and can't be left alone in his feverish state, but everyone is working.

Everyone but Athena.

That Which We Carry | 2.1k

Bobby stops in his tracks.

Buck is sitting on the ground, next to his own car, his keys and phone forgotten next to him. His breathing is loud and short and he has his head in his hands so that his face is hidden.

He’s having a panic attack.

To Be Loved, To Belong | 3.1k

5 times Buck almost tells his family what they mean to him.

+1 time he does.

Buried | 2.3k

It’s supposed to be a simple call.

Of course, everything goes wrong.

Just As It Was | 2.3k

After the lawsuit, Buck overworks himself trying to prove his worth to the team.

One day, he pushes too far.

Sunlight | ~500

The Buckley siblings have a bet about what Maddie and Chim’s kid’s first word will be.

Family Matters | ~500

A look into the future at Bobby’s retirement party.

Humor & Fluff

Freedom In Love | 1.1k

“You can’t keep ignoring this,” Maddie says – again.

She says it a lot. His answer is pretty much always the same.

“Actually, I can. And I think I will. This is working great for me so far. It’s like Schrödinger’s confession, if I don’t say anything, Eddie can’t reject me.”

Green Heart | 3k

Buck starts seeing a man.

Eddie worries he is being a bigot, because the idea of Buck kissing another man makes him want to punch someone.

What else could it be?

The Most Perfect Moment | 1.7k

After Shannon, Eddie never thought that he would ever want to get married again.

Yet, a little red box lays in his pocket until the perfect moment to propose comes around.He has been carrying it for weeks now, waiting.

He wants his proposal to be perfect because he knows that this is the last time he will ever be asking this question. Buck is it for him. There will never be anyone else.

Blame It On Chimney | 1k

“So anyway, that’s how Chimney saw me full-on naked.”

Eddie chokes on his beer.

How It Looks | ~400

Someone is back to haunt Chim. Well, not exactly someone. Hen is tired.

The Rest Of Our Lives | ~500

One night, one conversation that changes everything between Buck and Eddie.

Tumblr Prompts

lover, be good to me | 7.1k

This is a collection of unrelated prompts first posted on my tumblr.

(Summary of each story in the first chapter's notes)

Eddie touching Buck’s birthmark | ~300

Eddie in a relationship is a clingy Eddie | ~200

Halloween at the station | ~500

Buck & Maddie being their cute selves | ~400

Misc.

from the bottom i come running | 3.7k

Co-written with the endlessly talented ksmalltalk / @letitialewiss

Crossover with Lone Star.

Just a soccer match for charity and two men cheering on their boyfriends.

Wait, no. Eddie and Buck are not dating, no matter what Chim and Hen can say.

In the stands, Eddie befriends TK whose boyfriend is playing alongside Buck. Out on the pitch, Buck and Carlos are a force to be reckoned with.

Oh, and someone gets hurt.

safe inside | 5.6k

Co-written with the biggest-brained and most talented chasingobligion / @starlightbuck

World-famous actor TK Strand and his bodyguard Carlos find themselves seeking shelter from fans and paparazzi in a bakery Carlos knows very well.

Baking leads to a few life changes.

Breathe You In | 2k

Eddie can’t stop staring.

This selfie is going to be the death of him.Buck is shirtless, and giving the camera an intense look that leaves Eddie panting.

Buck sends a picture that tips their relationship into something new.

#911 #911 fic #buddie #firefam #evan buckley #eddie diaz #my writing #this took me FOREVER #it's also about to kill my computer because tumblr is lagging so much so i'm just gonna post #if there is an issue with the links or something else please reach out to me thanks!!#and please reblog and comment if you like my writing!!#i might come out of fic writing hiatus at some point soonish #edited

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