#i need to get tangible reason so i can make myself go and stop being stupid ab it

[ironmanstan]

afflicted with some sort of evil girl disorder where i feel stressed constantly and do everything in my power to make it worse

[mxrcurysb1tch]

𓂃⋆.⟢ Astrology observations pt. VII ⟢ .⋆𓂃

｡𖦹° Hi my loves! I Hope you’re all doing well. Don’t forget that you can send me any astrology related questions to my asks and I will reply the best I can! (Please note that I don’t do vedic, persona charts or super minor asteroids). As always, take what resonates and leave the rest! <3

｡𖦹° 8th house synastry is the energy of unrequited obsession. It feels absolutely magnetic. Naturally, being the 8th house, the obsession will be very secretive and can involve frequently checking their socials, following them and just “happening” to be at the same place at the same time… generally just creeping on them in secret. The connection is likely to be very one-sided, with the house person being much more intrigued and concerned with the planet person. The planet person may be completely oblivious to these feelings. The house person may even be deluded into thinking there is a mutual connection. It can sometimes feel like being torn apart by the sheer weight of this longing and the impossibility of it all.

｡𖦹° 1h: Lilith/Pluto/Saturn/Capricorn/Scorpio: you probably have been told you have a resting b!tch face or just a mean looking face in general. Everyone thinks you look intimidating or angry or unapproachable. Don’t worry though, you’re baddass.

｡𖦹° Moon in the 1h synastry: The moon person is inclined to share their inner feelings with the house person because they feel intrinsically understood and comforted by them. The house person seems to instinctually know what the moon person is feeling and will know what to do to cheer them up and validate their emotions. I have this with one of my friends, his moon in my 1h, and despite us not being all that close, he opened up to me about something emotionally traumatic that happened in his life and I found myself compelled to do everything I could to make it better. We’re now really close because of that experience.

｡𖦹° I’ve noticed that 8th & 12th house natives have this interesting thing where they don’t always need direct experiences to learn lessons. I feel like they pick up on subtleties very easily so they can learn life lessons extremely fast and even without direct experience. They absorb the energy from those around them, learning what to do and what not to do just by intuiting and observing. Their lessons may be very psychic/emotional/mental rather than being outward so they can sometimes feel that though they have all of the same wisdom (and usually more) than their peers, they lack the concrete tangible experiences to go along with it and they can sometimes feel ‘left out’ of or unable to relate to the physical world.. They can also sometimes treat the physical world like it is optional or just not worth their time. 8th housers especially can develop a lot of apathy.

｡𖦹° Capricorn mars is the warrior placement. Mars is exalted in Capricorn and it is for a reason. Unless they also have other more emotional placements or afflictions, these people never ever throw fits. Instead, they calmly get on with whatever life has handed them and make the best of it every time. They are adept at turning pain into power and being extremely resourceful. They may have come from poverty or lack or even abuse but they do not wallow in it or allow it to stop them. These people have the drive and ambition to accomplish their goals despite any obstacle and that is truly an admirable trait.

｡𖦹° Libra moon with Aries Mercury is such an interesting opposition to have because they’re always talking a big game about all the thrills and dramas going on in their lives and all the people that have gotten on their bad side, who they hate and such but when you actually observe them in action they’re very accepting, easygoing people who don’t actually start drama or have these “wild” moments at all.

｡𖦹° it is really important for cardinal signs, especially moon to do something active or physical to get out of an emotional rut or stagnation. Transmuting and expelling energy is super important for them and creating something can help them to feel they’ve accomplished something for the day. Feeling useful and productive is extremely important for cardinal energy. Exercise is the biggest one imo but it could also be channeling energy into work, creative endeavours or even taking the focus off oneself and looking to helping others instead. Anything that is proactive. It may not help them to do a more passive activity or rest before they have had this release of stagnant energy because they might wind up more frustrated than before.

[velvetvexations]

Not gonna lie the whole "trans women are women because they experience misogyny or [xyz tangible reason like dysphoria or whatever]" thing confuses me so much because every single time I have seen a trans person or group take on the big "why are trans people the gender they say they are" question it quickly becomes clear the only real answer that exists and will ever exist is "because they say they are".

We've tried hinging it on dysphoria or brain gender or hormones or presentation or societal oppression(or lack thereof) and every single time we end up excluding people who are trans, and the only answer that includes the full, beautiful, diverse trans experience is "because we say we are".

I just don't understand the drive to make sense of it, it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to hinge on anything, let alone societal oppression, and we don't have to have a perfect answer for the bigots because our word should be all that matters! Why am I transmasc? Because I say I am. Because it makes me happy. Is it a choice? I don't really know anymore, but if it is a choice I would choose it over and over again, every single time, and that doesn't make me any less trans. We make ourselves out of a mess of chemicals and electricity and salt and water every day. We make sense out of light and air and rocks and everything and nothing, that's all reality is! So what if it's a choice, or if it isn't? So what if gender doesn't really matter! Nothing matters!! And that means you have the freedom to decide what has meaning. What matters.

You're a woman because you say you are, because you choose to be, just like I'm a butch genderwhatever because I say I am, I choose to be, and that really should be all the justification we need. And for fucks sake we do NOT need to suffer to prove we're real. I do not oppressed therefore I am and I'm genuinely concerned that anyone would try to base their rationalization for their existence on SUFFERING!! You're not here to suffer, you're here to go spinny in a skirt and eat delicious food and piss off your family by shaving your head and play dumb computer games with your friends. Isn't that enough?

And like, there will never be a perfect argument that convinces people who are determined to misunderstand you that you are what you say you are, no scars spelling out the word misogyny or patriarchy you can show them to get them to go "oh yes sorry I was mistaken you are indeed woman pls go on your merry way", and even if there was they'd just move the goalposts. So ffs stop fucking waiting for the approval of people who hate you. You're a woman because you say you are, if that's not good enough for some people frankly they can go fuck themselves.

Anyway sorry for getting philosophical in your inbox I just have a lot of feelings about this. I had a really bad existential crisis in high school and came out fully believing that if nothing matters then everything matters and it seems so silly to me to keep trying to like, rationalize the existence of trans people with cold hard facts because like. We exist. We are what we say we are because we say we are. I don't have to have a man soul or whatever, I just know putting on guy's jeans and calling myself a dyke makes me happy, and I try to make a habit of not being shaken to my core every time some asshole tells me that's not good enough.

Very powerfully worded anon, thank you.

[fushiglow]

Hello glow!!! Thank you for another lovely satosugu work! :)

I absolutely love how real and tangible your writing is - seeing them start with different states of being turned on and building together really paints such a lovely picture of what intimacy is without the expectation of a perfect start-stop :) 3 cheers to realistic sexual dynamics!

Also, I think that your link at the end of your post goes to Violent Delights instead - but maybe that's just an issue on my end!

Thank you so much for this lovely feedback (and the heads up about the link), I can't tell you how much your words cheered me on Friday! They came at a time I really needed to hear them so, if you don't mind, I'm going to use this ask as an opportunity to say a few things about my writing and why I do what I do — no obligation to respond!

Quite honestly, I have been feeling a little anxious about how I'm perceived as a writer recently. When Over the Threshold started gathering some steam in January, I only had five published works on AO3 posted over the course of six months. By the end of August, I'll have 18 published works for Jujutsu Kaisen, 16 of which will be complete. I have never been this productive in a fandom before!

A lot of the reason for that is because I'm finally learning how to work with my AuDHD brain. I love writing, I really do, and I'm constantly excited by the possibilities that reside within my brain. I have more ideas than I have time or hands to write them, but I want to explore as many of those ideas as possible. In the past, I would have forced myself to stick to the thing that I was "supposed" to write, rather than following the burst of inspiration and writing the thing that I "wanted" to write. To no one's surprise, that usually meant I ended up writing nothing at all.

I'm someone who seeks out challenges, and all the fics I've published in 2024 have been experimental in some way. Come Get Your Honey was a challenge in extended metaphor. Balance was a challenge in seamlessly blending two very different universes. Mailman AU was a challenge in format. Violent Delights was a challenge in pushing myself to new and uncomfortable places. Thunder was a challenge in encapsulating an entire world and history within a single motif without ever actually seeing that world and history.

I'm really proud of every single one of those works, as well as the speed I've written them at. I've published 92k words on AO3 already this year and written far more, so I feel like I can no longer justifiably call myself a slow writer. However, all the works mentioned above have artistic merit in the more traditional sense — i.e. they're not smut.

At the time of writing this, three of my five most recent works contain sexual content with varying degrees of explicitness, and it's hard to escape that pervasive (and flawed) idea that smut is "less serious" as a form of writing. Even writing smut in the first place has been a slow process of overcoming some of my own biases. However, sex is part of the spectrum of human experiences, and it's also deeply political. Whenever I explore it in my writing, you can be sure that I always have that at the forefront of my mind. That's why these works, too, have represented something new and challenging and exciting for me.

Discreet Delivery was the first piece containing explicit sexual content that I ever shared publicly and, with how rife top/bottom discourse is in this fandom (most of which is based on heteronormative ideals that I vehemently disagree with), I really wanted to make a statement straight out of the gate. I'm very proud of how I managed to weave a switch/vers narrative into a oneshot, and the feedback on it was wonderful.

Headroom, however, presented a very different kind of challenge. It was extremely difficult to write, because it doesn't follow the beats of a traditional sex scene. There's no satisfaction for Satoru nor for the readers, and that made it tricky to keep it engaging. I was also very nervous about showing a different side of these beloved AU characters and establishing a new dynamic between them while incorporating some of the broader themes from Over the Threshold.

Finally, Tell Me I'm Pretty was pure subversion, writing Suguru in particular in a way I've never seen before to challenge expectations about "roles" in sex. It meant I had no blueprint to work from, but I'm not interested in reproducing the same dynamics I've read a thousand times. However, that also means that I felt very anxious about how people would receive this fic — especially on GeGo Day.

The truth is, everything I write I write for myself first and foremost (even if it's writing something to make my friends happy!), but it's hard to keep sight of that when you're blessed with an engaged audience. This is a huge reason why updates to Over the Threshold take time. This fic is deeply important and deeply personal to me, but its growing popularity adds a pressure that I don't want to influence my writing. I feel a constant underlying need to outdo myself with every new fic and chapter I post, but that's unrealistic and unachievable.

Obviously, I want readers to enjoy what I write, but I know the moment I start making choices for other people is the moment my writing suffers. That's the main reason why I'm reluctant to put anything behind a paywall, even if I feel frustrated with the way fanfics are casually consumed on the internet. Readers occasionally make demands of me without any respect for my time and effort and creative vision, and sometimes I look at what I've written and think, "Am I really going to give that away for free?". However, asking for anything beyond tips would change the game for me. Enjoying my writing is far more valuable to me, at least at this point in time.

All of this is to say: I really loved writing Tell Me I'm Pretty. I had a blast with it — until it came time to post, at which point I suddenly felt full of self-doubt. For you to appear in my inbox and tell me that you appreciated the realism of the intimacy in this fic? I couldn't have asked for anything more, thank you so much ♥️

TL;DR, I write for myself, but god, it's the best feeling in the world when readers resonate with my writing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to let me know. I love you all to the moon and back!

[zmrzeltm]

𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒇𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒍𝒄𝒐𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒊𝒄 𝒕𝒊𝒍’ 𝒏𝒐𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒂𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄 . . . ᥫ᭡.

. . . “please don’t burn yourself out.”

the wave off was inevitable. “i won’t, mom. i’m fine.” the words were met with a heavy sigh. if there was anyone that could call syd’s bullshit from the other end of the world, it was her mother. understandable, she’d dealt with it her entire life. headstrong from a young age, showing sheer inability at numerous times in her life to show emotion, regardless of how much she truly felt. call it mothers instinct, but the older woman on the other end of the call had tried for years to convince her daughter that showing vulnerability was healthy — not that she took the advice aboard. at least, not openly. in the comfort of her own company, then sure . . but that definitely didn’t offer the help she perhaps needed in those moments.

“okay, i gotta go . . give patch a kiss from me and enjoy lake tahoe . . i’m very jealous.” a strained chuckle climbed out the pit of her throat. “i love you.” seconds after the call ended, the blonde was brought back to reality like a train coming to an emergency stop. dainty hands set her phone on the side table — glossy hues scanning the surroundings of her hotel room like she was attempting to find a distraction from the silence; which felt so heavy. you would think after two and a bit solid years of consistent travelling she would be used to this. the ‘come down’ they would call it. rockstars would talk about it, too . . going from performing in front of thousands, spending entire days talking to fans, taking pictures, getting complimented, feeling important . . to coming back to an empty hotel room and realizing you’re just human. you’re alone and you’re in a shit ton of pain.

being by herself was never a productive time for sydney — reflection on her part never drifted towards anything positive . . flashbacks of some of the most traumatic events in her life were guaranteed. especially after talking with her mother, whom was also subject to a lot of these agonising times. the sole reason she wanted to succeed in this business? . . give her something to be proud of. no matter how much her mother would reiterate the fact that her success isn’t a measure of her love or how proud she is, it was the only way sydney knew how to express herself. it had to be tangible. a classic ‘if i can prove myself in this line of work, it’s a testament to how you raised me’. alas, her career and the successes that came with it, weren’t necessarily exactly where she wanted them to be. seemingly never satisfied. feeling like she should always be doing more.

there simply weren’t enough hours in the day. if they needed a standby for a show? she was there. if they needed someone to do media? she would clear the schedule. charity work? absolutely. making content for social media? say less. all the while, a good five hours of her day was dedicated to updating her online store, chatting with manufacturers and doing crazy amounts of promotional work. it was no wonder she was lucky to get three hours of rest at night. enter, her unspoken kryptonite. a glass of wine, just to take the edge off. except, it was never just one . . and it never just took the edge off. it ended in an undeniable buzz that certainly didn’t help her chronic case of insomnia.

yet, here she found herself, shuffling bare feet towards the minibar at the other end of the room. complimentary drinks somehow came with the gig — not ideal if it was something you found yourself beginning to rely on a little too much, but at this moment, she was more thankful than anything. bottle of château in hand, glass held in the other . . the blood tinted beverage ascended to the rim; which absolutely wasn’t the recommended serving on the bottle, but who was here to judge? exactly. no one. one glass, turned to a second . . which conveniently led to a third. hard to believe such a tiny female could put away that amount, huh? nevertheless, the buzz she seek’d turned into an incoherent mess submerged inside the depth of bubbly water in her bathtub. one hand still clinging to a glass of wine, the other scrolling through social media, liking all of her friends pictures like it was her job, hype girl was absolutely her third occupation in life; one she felt she was actually good at.

at least the alcohol succeeded in one thing, the aches and pains in her body from both training and the unexpectedly rough winter games were all but numbed entirely . . except the cost of that came in the form of a sudden bout of nausea. hardly surprising after tanking a whole bottle of wine. however, the attempt to get herself safely out of the tub ended in disaster — unaware of her footing and how slippery the flooring beneath was, the 5’9 came crashing down onto the hard marble. no bathmat and a sheer lack of balance played their part as the blondes head bounced harshly against the floor. the ringing in her ears distracted her from the initial pain that came with the impact which was akin to the gnarliest bump a wrestler could take . . vision blurry, doubled at times as she attempted to open her eyes. was she knocked out? is that blood on the floor? unaware if it was from the previous injury sustained at the games, or a brand new to suit . . all she did know? was no one could ever find out about this.

ever.

[moonchildxxsblog]

A guide to myself on how to handle the 3D based on trial and error through my own experiences 🪞:

first general then specific 🤍

🤍when I first got into the law I was fully delusional and relied only on the law and did not care AT ALL what I did or say in my 3D responsibilities and people, because I was like the only thing that matters is imagination so who cares - so first of all yes but for multiple reasons that’s harmful, my abilities weren’t there yet?! Duh 😂🧚🏻 then creating bunch of stressful situations just to manifest yourself out of it like WHY?! When you can easily avoid it by being responsible and not going all in (also to be fair obviously my mental state was weird sometimes you just can’t care)

🤍complete other approach doing full on 3D and manifesting only as a sprinkle on top, this appears super powerful at first and when you are in it, SC gets high and small stuff manifests fast when you affirm a few minutes and not affirm that much because I mean you put all the effort in the 3D in (speaking responsibilities and other stuff), well the thing is it works well only for a little bit and has its limits and then you forgot all your power because you put it to sleep not completely but mentally you relied on the 3D and you eventually also stopped affirming on top because you think oh i got it in the 3D - that is also not the approach to make - because then you realize it doesn’t work and you get back to full on delulu and the gap is to high

🤍so my personal full on solution - be mentally full on the law practice it to its fullest and completely rely on it because there is zero choice - though in the 3D doing full on responsibilities going all in (as possible so that’s the difference between 3D people here “as possible” if stressed sleep taking care of my health still working out I do as best as I can and manifest on top because 3D is still crazy workload tasks whatever, 3D rules are insane overworking is not the key- in fact obviously you don’t need to lift a finger), with other not tangible stuff same with people act like the highest version of yourself do as you naturally would do no low SC - if there is a problem first trying to solve it only if it’s natural in the 3D like trying to “talk” to solve it softly ooooonly if it’s natural (because I’m too extreme sometimes and don’t talk at all but I think softly approaching stuff a tiny bit is fine) BUT after that responsibilities & people AFTER that only the mental state matter and no 3D anymore if somethings fucked up if I did a mistake if I couldn’t do something properly at that point it doesn’t matter because 3D wise I did my best - and then it’s time to fully affirm furthermore (during the 3D process also never stopping to affirm) but at that phase no past mistake matters no 3D rule matters

🤍another thing I learned🙉 I did like life coaches or like advice coaches on YouTube (we all know them) it is nice to have a high SC it is nice to know about basic 3D rules about how to be treated or what discipline and success and workload is - but not only can the advice be super super toxic and blocking the whole life - it is not manifestation it is limited and manifestation has no rules - so key here is to learn 3D advice once and let it click but don’t apply it super super super strict and at some point it has zero meaning at all at all - like I’m very sorry but for example if I have an old friend and we are not friends anymore it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about me and 3D people would say that but no even my mind is super crazy sometimes I’m like right now it is not time for you to be in my life maybe later so it is MY ASSUMPTION it is my responsibility it is not the game of oh who puts in more effort and treats me perfectly though if that’s an assumptions of course it is also just an example not something deep - the other thing is people post 1 YouTube video a day and get zero views some have the assumption to post once every 2 months and go viral (though obviously discipline itself is extremely important for SC and as a habit and trait (people do like consistent dependable people), and in the manifestation game but it has absolutely nothing to do with going viral) you can work your ass off never sleep enough and will still be unsuccessful so hustle hustle hustle another toxic 3D tip - THOUGH traits like victim mentality laziness no discipline all that really gets someone no where so that is absolutely true

🤍MY POINT IS ACT like the highest version of yourself in the 3D do your best & high SC but after that affirm the s*** out of it - and if you messed it up in the 3D doesn’t matter affirm - you did your best and then let manifestation fix it or do the rest - like yes the feeling of oh I could have done that better I could have acted here better - immediately shut it down you did your best or you didn’t because you had low sc whatever it doesn’t matter now affirm it away

[skunkes]

can u tell us more abt al and smunker lore!!

its not really anything tangible or even interesting its just the current backdrop for my little continuous daydream i explore before sleeps

Foundational info:

(in past) Cow Al is struggling to recover from emotional crisis experienced in college (traumatic relationship), + tries to hold down some jawb but finds himself unable to stay in that environment away from home (none of his "friends" acknowledge the turmoil which makes him feel more lost), + moves back to family farm.

He likes doing different kinds of manual jobs which are always needed around + he does have that "my parents are my best friends" thing going on so he kind of just stays there to present day.

He lives in a little, idk what else to call it but a mobile home, but its the longer rectangular ones ykwim, some ways off the main Hub. (Also there's lots of focus on community in my furryverse + there's lots of non al family furs living in and working on the place + sharing resources and work and such. Its not a HUGE place but its big ^_^)

Anyway, Smunker moves in to the little forest that you cld walk to from the farm area. He lives in a little sunken tree stump den thing hee heeeee. Not many other furs live there, + there's actually more Lesser Animals (what i call just regular non furry animals) present

-

The two of em meet at a grocery store, there was a relevant little point here that I forgot, which was that one of em wasn't even supposed to be there that first day for (x reason). Whatever.

The area that Cow Al lives in doesn't have very many Different looking furs. Al's family is actually all natural colors too. So he sees this pink smunk and goes a little insane (positive) (he promises later its not just because smunker looks different, but it was what drew his eye) but they never really interact (al keeps going to that same store Just In Case lol) until one day (cliche incoming) the little wheeled ladder that helps smaller furs get to higher shelves isn't available + he gets to help smunker get something from high up (he all but runs to be able to be the person to do this LOL)

Al actually has game + is confident, he's just out of practice from prior Events. He loves being social and misses making/being able to make friends so he does in fact manage to build up on interactions with Smunker...they become friends ➡️ realize they live close to each other.

Al actually accidentally damages smunker's home at some point by accident, + houses them while it's fixed, and there's another instance where smunker gets his leg caught in an illegal bear/foot trap on the walk back home at night, and then Al is also adamant on keeping an eye on him while he heals (+ is also the one who had to go help him get out of said trap...its literally a whole dramatic thing.)

I think I'm keeping both of these events as canon because it leads to the funny little situation of Al being like no wayyyyy i actually for real like this guy now that we've spent more time together like this...i need him to sleep on my belly to live :3 and cant stop having weird dreams about him. Idk if he feels the same. heeeeeeeeeelp. While skunker is like. Im for real going to kill myself for inconveniencing this person. He probably thinks im the biggest nuisance ever. I've overstayed my welcome for sure.

I haven't yet decided on the event that gets em Together. Might just be a little "date" at nearby ducky pond or something LOL. Skunker is shocked either way like huhh I didn't even know you liked me... Al has to get used to having a small partner again + navigate a relationship that doesn't suck ass again. Smunker has to get used to having big nice bf who cares about them. They like each other

[leighlew3]

Regarding the FINALLY (in-progress) resolution to the strike situation. First of all -- YES! Barring any sudden turns and it all going to shit again, anyway. So so relieved. Especially once fully completed / ratified by union members and SAG-AFTRA has their deal, too.

Alas, it’s… a very complicated and utterly emotional day, for personal reasons.

I’m exhausted, relieved, and a million things… because it’s all coincided with losing Mom. Literally, as the strike was looming, she was declining and then going into the hospital, and the road towards her inevitable death was approaching along with the dreadful strike.

And then literally just five days after she died, the writer’s strike officially began.

And along with the loss of my Mom / best friend / whole world — my career which was JUST about to really take off — was put on hold. Brakes slammed. My world just… stopped. In every way.

These last five months have been a combination of my worst nightmare and worst ever loss and unimaginable grief, paired together with being unable to do anything in my career to move forward at all or have a reason to get up in the morning most days.

Imagine just being… halted. Utterly trapped. For five months, alone in your worst loss and grief. While your entire career and every dream that you and the person you lost always dreamed of, that you worked so hard for YEARS to make happen — just halts. Imagine that person was your biggest champion and cheerleader… and then you’re just stuck for five months once they’re gone and it’s like the world stops for you but for everybody else it keeps going.

Now though, with the ending of the WGA strike in sight today and wrapping this week, it feels like my world can start turning again. Like I have true and tangible hope again, like I can move forward, and like it was all for something. Everything we survived. Everything I’ve worked towards. It needed to be for something. For my mom. For myself. For us.

Now I can move forward and try and continue to go on this path of fulfilling the dreams that we had, even if I’m doing it on my own now. So, it’s very bittersweet but it’s a huge relief… yet it’s also gut-wrenching and painful.

Because there’s a sort of finality that Mom is really gone now, as the strike is really over, because it was all tied so intrinsically together.

So yeah, I’ve been crying for the past hour out of both relief and heartbreak and hope and sadness. And a million other emotions I wouldn’t even know how to begin to describe.

[romance-dawning]

Thinking lots about my brand of aromantisism in this house tonight. This is gonna go into vent-y territory but mostly because my feelings on my aromantisism are complicated </3 I'll be putting a cut for scrollings sake!

FREDDY IF YOU SEE THIS UH. U H. THIS ISN'T NEW INFORMATION SFKLNFSAKLNSF I hope you don't get jumpscared

It's... odd feeling so romance favorable and cupioromantic while also identifying with the laesumianromantic, aromantic sublabl where one feels their romantic attraction was "damaged" through trauma or past experience. That idea is something that resonates with me so much especially given how I really associate my lack of security, confidence, and feeling of romantic attraction with how Badly the closet thing I had to a first long term relationship went so badly and was frankly traumatizing at the time (Don't date and be in a friendship trio in highschool </3) But that doesn't stop me from wanting romance and the intimacy that comes with a longterm relationship. Even then I am over the moon how patient and understanding my QPP is and has been through All I've been through and worked through. Part of me feels like the reason I feel such a lack of what others deem romantic attraction is due to the confusion of what even Qualifies as romantic attraction (according to the greater public I would Technically be romantically attracted to my QPP though I feel that isn't the case. That doesn't mean my love doesn't still have the same intensity. I need to kiss my QPP in front of 'YOU CAN'T AROMANTIC AND ROMANCE FAVORABLE!!!!!' types/lh) And at the same time while I want that kind of thing so bad but I always have such. Anxiety and intrusive thoughts surrounding longterm relationships. I wish their was something I could learn to handle but it's So hard. Like I feel so wild for being so Scared and On Edge that I'm going to do something wrong or upset my QPP somehow or that I'll do something and suddenly I'll have been a bad person. (This is set on by Nothing they do btw this is entirely a trauma response due to my aforementioned first longterm relationship being Very toxic and people not being able to make up their minds and me ending up as the scapegoat for it klgsnldsgkn MY QPP IS PERFECT ILOVE THEM) But as a result so often I am just. So worried in ANY longterm relationship that I'm doing something wrong or it turns out I'm just being strung along and hurting someone etc etc. Can you see why I identify with having a 'damaged' relationship with romantic attraction?/ret And honestly selfshipping has helped So much with that in so many ways and I love having this thing were I don't have this nagging worry. At the same time though I worry I've hit this hurdle where I make progress but then once it becomes tangible again I'm shot back to feeling like at any moment something could go wrong. Honestly realizing I likely haven't romantic attraction at All was a big and refreshing first step, I've talked about that before, but that and exploration through selfshipping can only take me so far I think. ANYWAYS I think I'm gonna cut myself off here or else my stream of consciousness will just keep going forever 😭

[blackberry-mochi]

cw: lots of complaining and acting terrible over loneliness and dissatisfaction I promised before that I would stop myself from complaining out in the open, because holding myself accountable to a promise usually works, but apparently that strategy is only moderately effective and has a distinct time limit, much like everything that influences me, I guess. I have been able to just go "no, I need to be quiet" for the past month and a half, and that's worked, even if it's admittedly felt terrible reinforcing the decision, but. Y'know. Sometimes you're trying to write something you want to write, and that something includes jumbled up people finding help and love, and sometimes you zoom out and get struck with an intense and gross pain from realizing, oh, right, this is just escapism; none of these positive feelings are coming from a realistic place; I shouldn't feel relief or joy from any of this. 

The scenarios I'm writing aren't even fantastical or unrealistic, though. The scenarios are based on patience and unconditional love existing, which are two concepts that do exist in some folks' lives. But it's escapism for me, absolutely. And that feels awful. Love this awful feeling.  Love watching other people in the world finding out they have problems and obtaining help for said problems, like that's something normal and basic and they're obviously allowed to have that. Love having this dead-end and unnecessary life. Love that getting professional help wouldn't even fix my life anyway, so I shouldn't care about my lack of help. Love that the primary issue is that I'm stuck living with abusers, and I love that I've wasted too much of my life to have any opportunities to change that. 

Love that, even if an opportunity to change my life were presented to me, no, I'd almost certainly pass. That sounds terrifying, after all. Getting away from my abusers sounds terrifying. Trying to actually live and develop into a real person instead of some miserable and abusive jackass sounds impossible. I don't want things to change, I guess. What a pathetic and annoying bit of blatant hypocrisy, huh. Love being this way. Love the way it feels to be trapped by both myself and the miserable circumstances of my life in general.   And by love it, I mean, god is it one of the worst feelings imaginable. It feels like absolute isolation and hopelessness. And the feeling is made all the worse with the knowledge that, y'know, circling back and looping all of this miserable garbage, even if I were willing to leave, there's no opportunities available to me to even accomplish that to begin with. But that's not very special, is it. It's honestly really privileged of me to complain that I'm not in a better situation, considering how the only problems I apparently have are an empty day-to-day life and a general feeling of being trapped with abusers who have always undermined me as a person and undercut the potential value of my life.

Whatever, right? The entire reason I said "I should stop complaining" is primarily because I know that complaining only makes people hate me, ignore me, and block me. I'm an exhausting person to look at and acknowledge. Just so uncooperative and histrionic and unpleasant. But the less selfish and less manipulative reason for shutting up is that, no, the only thing in my life that matters is my family. 

Nobody online matters. Nobody I'm marginally connected to actually exists to me. Nothing I can say or do online could ever have a tangible impact on my life. Nothing's going to affect my life in any real way, nothing besides my family. My stupid family of 12 that's left me incompetent and unpleasant thanks to abuse and neglect and abuse and neglect and abuse and neglect. I can't blame my family for all my problems, though, right? I'm the one who decided to give up to begin with, so it's my fault I'm so darn unsalvageable. Even if, I don't know, I was 8 or so when that decision was made, that's a fucking excuse, right? Clearly a fucking 8 year old should be held accountable for being a selfish and depressed piece of shit, right? So fucking immature. So fucking annoying. So fucking disconnected from reality, dreaming of a fantasy world, acting like they have it worse than anybody else in their goddamn family, begging for attention when they're just a spoiled brat.

And now, as somebody who's apparently just as mature as they were when they were 8, what does talking about any of my problems do except spread my negative feelings, something that bothers absolutely everybody that I force into giving me attention? I'm only talking about this because it feels awful keeping all of these rancid feelings to myself because, again, god, being lonely sure is the worst feeling in the world for me. But what does this ranting do? Nothing! It doesn't accomplish anything! It does nothing except invite and encourage people to ignore me, which is the only reasonable response to my utterly selfish and annoying and impossible-to-help behavior. Hate it. Hate having a completely disposable and unwanted life. Hate being an awful person who constantly has awful urges that compel them to do awful things to avoid or mute the worse feelings they're stuck with, feelings they only have because they're awful to begin with and deserve to feel awful. Hate it. Hate being a problem. 

Hate looking at myself from afar and knowing without a fucking doubt that I'm the kind of person that everybody should/will ignore and hate for being so goddamn overwhelming emotionally but unnecessary and unremarkable. So, even if anybody did reach out to me and try to help, I shouldn't accept it. They'd end up hating me at some point, no matter what. It's already happening, after all. The evidence is there. It's been there my entire life. So many relationships ruined by me being too fucking annoying and overwhelming and useless and dependent.  

But oh well. Whatever. None of this is new. Absolutely none of this. I've been thinking this way since I was 14 at least and ruined one other person's life by abusing and parasitizing them for four whole fucking years of our life, just because they wanted me to feel less sad. I guess the reason I'm saying all this right now, though, is because I'm so fucking angry at the fact that my emotions and feelings are so fucking absurd in the worst ways possible, both egregiously overwhelming and frustratingly underwhelming, because apparently being robbed at gunpoint and being abused and ignored by everybody surrounding me afterwards isn't something I'm capable of having clear and resounding feelings about. All I know is I feel fucking exhausted. That's all. That's really the sum of my feelings. I hate it. I hate having such a broken, defeatist brain. All I can do is type out the way I want to feel, but I barely feel that way. It's pathetic.

Wow, great, amazing, my bank sure did decide that I wasn't robbed and therefore don't deserve any insurance or whatever after a person held me up at gunpoint and stole my phone and wallet. No, you're right, whoever the fuck investigated my claim. I did willingly give that person everything on me and I did willingly let them empty my bank account. We're best friends or something, obviously. And you're right, abusers, I did deserve this and God obviously caused this, as a sign. A sign that I need to go study cyber security and make the world safer or whatever fucking inconsistent bullshit I've been peddled over and over that never goes anywhere because my abusers are fucking self-righteous and disconnected from reality thanks to how perfectly privileged they are, acting like any of their random ideas for fixing my life are anything but fleeting wishes based on ignorant delusions based on looking at their kids and going "Why are you so much worse than me? What's wrong with you? Why can't you just be better? You're smart enough. You're just lazy. You don't deserve anything if you're going to be this lazy. Why did I have to be so unlucky and have 10 children who are so damn lazy, God?" 

I was expecting this result, though. I complained when it happened. I said "I know I'm not going to be reimbursed" and "I know my abusers are going to abuse me for getting robbed", and what do you know! That was right! I was hoping I was just being overly pessimistic, but I wasn't, hooray! I'm fine financially, though, so whatever. I still have my job, so whatever. I'm alive, so whatever. The robber didn't gun me down, so whatever. It would've been nice if that had happened, but whatever. The robber was never going to do that. I wouldn't be surprised if the gun had been fake. I was simply robbed because somebody decided to rob somebody and I got unlucky. Dying absolutely wasn't a part of that unlucky situation. Just robbing. I guess that's why I only feel exhausted. I just want to move on from this bullshit because the only thing that can be done is to keep going, as always. Ignore all my problems because nothing can be done. Just keep living. Because I don't have the capability or willpower to change anything in my life.

It's just so exhausting. Putting in so much effort to make sure I can still pay for nearly $500 worth of debts a couple days after being robbed completely was exhausting. Being notified that I wasn't getting any of my money back was exhausting. Having my abusers message me and harass me for being rejected compensation was exhausting. Knowing that my entire life revolves around my abusers is exhausting. Everything is exhausting. And if everything's exhausting, it's hard to know what does and doesn't matter. It's hard to be angry. I'm too tired to be angry at my life circumstances. I hate it. I wonder how I'd feel if I just had my own bank account, though. A bank account that my abusers couldn't look over constantly like hawks, judging me for fucking everything I buy and questioning me at least once a week on whether I should be buying any of the things I buy if they aren't food and fuel and debts. Maybe that would be nice. But if I did that, my abusers would absolutely hurt me for it, because they want to keep track of me, because I'm incompetent and lazy and they have to make sure I'm working because the only valuable part of me is that I can work without any limiting factors apart from sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and depression, three things that have never been respected and have only ever invited abuse from everybody around me my entire life. Frankly, it's stupid of me to act like those factors exist. They've never existed. I'm just lazy. I'm bad at sleeping. I'm bad at sleeping. I'm so goddamn bad at sleeping. Stop playing on the computer every night. Stop lying in bed for 12 hours a day and only getting 4 hours of sleep at best. It's the video games. They're the reason you're not getting enough sleep. And tea. And all the food you eat. And the fact that you stay up at night. Stop staying up at night. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Stop being a useless leech. You're just irresponsible. You're not sleeping for 12 hours a day. That's a lie. You're just lazy. Shut up.

But yeah. It really would've been nice to not wake up a week and a half ago to see that all the temporary credit I was given was taken back with the explanation "Our investigation led us to conclude the transactions made to your account were done with the permission of the account holder". 

I guess I don't mind, though, like I said, like I've been saying over and over and over again, like I want to feel fucking furious over. I'm too exhausted and disconnected from my life to care, apparently. Whatever. I felt so fucking stressed when I saw that result, but now I don't feel anything except the feeling that I should be feeling something, but I feel nothing, so I guess my brain is broken, so whatever. I didn't need that money anyway, so whatever. It's not like I'm saving up for anything. It just would've given me a chance to stop working for a while if I ever felt like being self-destructive and lazy. My abusers would abuse the shit out of me if I did that, though, so that wasn't even an option, so whatever. Nothing's changed. I haven't actually lost anything. I'm just acting like a histrionic child. 

Y'know, this is so stupid to complain about, isn't it. It's pathetic. It's so irritating to listen to. It's so privileged. I'm in a privileged position, clearly, super clearly. I can still pay for rent and all my other monthly debts despite being robbed and ignored, so whatever. I'm not in any trouble because I practiced frugality and acted so darn responsible right after the incident, without any help from anybody, because I had no other choice, so whatever. I didn't have to experience whatever my abusers plan on doing when I'm too lazy to maintain my meager financial independence, so whatever. My life is perfectly fine, so whatever. Everything is perfectly fine, so whatever. The only problem is that I'm bored, so whatever. Just so bored. Plain ole boredom. That's all this is. So whatever. 

It isn't emptiness. A concept like that is ridiculous. It's delusional. That's so melodramatic. Shut up. You're just a selfish and lazy brat. 

I'm just so goddamn selfish. I want to be given things I don't deserve. What a miserable and shallow waste of space. But whatever. As long as I shut up, whatever. I need to shut up, so whatever. If I don't shut up, then people will reject me, block me, hate me, and, most importantly, feel worse than they would've if I just never took up space to begin with, if I never existed, so whatever. I hate that. But whatever. The best thing I can do is shut up and disappear, and whatever. I don't deserve to have a voice. It's cruel that I have one. I hate it. Whatever. 

Whatever, whatever. Everything's fine. I just feel awful. The feeling of hopelessness and abandonment that's apparently intrinsic to my day-to-day life is unbearable, and it keeps ruining my attempts to write some childish and delusional fanfic that only interests me, but whatever. It's just a stupid and tedious-to-read fanfic, so whatever. All I'm doing is just complaining about nothing and then saying whatever. Whatever. I don't want help. I don't want sympathy. Neither of those things actually exist for me. Whenever anybody's ever offered it, it's never helped. If anything, it's made everything worse. Everything is always getting worse. And whatever. I just want to complain. Complain and complain. That's the only thing I've ever been able to do, besides overwhelm people with my intense and ugly persona. Just complain and complain, with a disgusting side of obsession, dependence, desperation, and hate. 

Sorry for being annoying and cagey and isolated and rude and complaintive. That's who I am. Always have been. Just a bitter and angry person whose only redeeming qualities are based on delusional hopes that make them act strange for an indeterminable amount of time, hopes that inevitably pass because my life hasn't moved a goddamn inch at any point ever, hopes that ultimately make me a worse person every time. They're ephemeral hopes that invariably result in everybody around me liking me for a second before realizing, oh, this person sucks, wow, really don't want to see them anymore, gosh, really need to stop talking to them, this was a mistake. Like you, the reader of this, presumably. You're just like every other person I've "gotten to know" after the recent extremely strong and fucking moronic delusion of "maybe I'm allowed to be loved and wanted", as fucking pathetic and ridiculous and melodramatic as it is to have THAT as a wish. A wish that's all the more pathetic when given the context that my repressed state before that hope appeared suddenly was the result of me abusing the shit out of my first and only partner in 2018 and leaving and realizing oh my god I really don't fucking deserve to exist huh, I'm just so fucking insufficient and incapable of beauty huh, I'm just so fucking ugly and awful huh, I'm just so boring and miserable and incompatible with everybody in this goddamn world huh, I'm a selfish and miserable abuser masquerading as a kind and considerate person, huh.   

I'm aroace and completely incapable of loving people in any way whatsoever thanks to disorders that just make me an irredeemable and empty parasite. I can act like I love people. I can believe that I love people. But I just don't have it in me to actually love anybody. So that wish was ridiculous. It was such a stupid wish. I really needed to trash it the moment I remembered, "oh yeah, I have BPD, so nobody can or should love me, and I'm going to die at some point soon, so what am I doing, why did I think this was okay, I should stop, I need to be quiet". 

But I didn't! I didn't give up! I kept going! Like a selfish pest! Isn't that great! Fucking fantastic! It's so fucking stupid to keep up my charade after that realization! I made some stupid art with a mouse for a good-enough reason, and then I had a breakdown and remembered I'm inherently abusive and awful and ugly and obsessive, and it all went downhill from there! I didn't stop, I kept making things, and everything only got worse and worse and worse over time! Loved working on so many random things with the constant, nagging thought "this is hopefully the last thing I make. I'll die after this. Hopefully" until I just gave up on art! Too bad I couldn't follow through on my plan at all! Too bad I'm still alive! But at least I'm not making anything anymore! At least I'm completely fucking irrelevant and unwanted now! That's great! At least things are logical now!

Again, though, I really should've given up as soon as I remembered how flawed I am, a month after I started opening up. But that was only a month later, y'know? There was a whole month of sincere hope and happiness and joy in my life, so of course I was going to act extremely selfish and cling onto stupid delusions like "I can be loved, maybe", despite everything pointing to the contrary. And whatever. I'm a miserable, desperate loser, and whatever. I clung onto stupid things that I had no right to cling onto, and whatever. As always, whatever. My favorite word, "whatever". An incredibly useful word for an abusive and ugly defeatist nihilist who has absolutely no hope or potential for rational hope in their life. Whatever. Things suck and my circumstances are perfectly fair, I'm just a noisy and useless child. 

The only thing I have to add to my usual complaining about my mental illnesses is just, looking up my symptoms to make sure I'm not mistaken on my disorder really is such a mixed bag in terms of catharsis, huh. On one hand, I do feel some amount of understanding and certainty whenever I read through research documents that explain causes of BPD and the statistics of people who have BPD, even if that understanding admittedly usually comes from reading the more depressing stats and going "yeah. It makes sense that people like me are 50x more likely to commit suicide than usual, doesn't it" with no real relief, just acknowledgement. But on the other hand, y'know, having BPD sure does make you a terrible person, and everybody knows it. Anybody talking about it in Quora certainly thinks so anyway. And elsewhere. Everywhere. In every spot that isn't occupied by people with BPD. And I guess I'm partially aroace to avoid that reality, maybe. That has to be a part of it. I am aroace, without a doubt, but a part of that identity is absolutely the result of trauma and fear. Forming any sincere connections with people will always just result in me either disappointing them and disturbing them and abusing them. It really is best to just shut up and stay isolated forever. Hate it. 

Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I hate it so much. Hate these feelings. Hate having no relief. Hate deserving nothing but rejection and hate. Hate having a life that's statistically meant to be over by now. Hate that it's still going. Hate that I can't control any part of my life. Hate being given a life that's nothing but a joke, literally. Hate only existing so two miserable and pathetic abusers could gloat to everybody about how they have 10 kids. Hate this. Hate everything in my life being meaningless and empty and disposable. Hate feeling exhausted. Hate feeling trapped. 

Whatever, though. Everything's fine. I'm still alive, and I'm likely going to keep going and going and going, so whatever. I'm not disowned and homeless yet, so whatever. Maybe once I'm finally disowned and homeless, I'll deserve anything, but, as an abusive, hollow, useless, joyless, loveless, annoying, contrarian loser, I doubt that I'll be given anything when that inevitably happens. I actually just deserve rejection and hate, for everybody's sake. Sure, logically, it's terrible, it deserves sympathy. Being disowned would drive me into a total psychotic breakdown, because insecurity is the scariest concept in existence for a parasite like me. But who cares about logic and expected sympathy? It'll be a good thing if I'm completely rejected and abandoned. That'll push me towards dying, so the insecurity will be justified. It'll be appropriate. Can't wait. Can't wait to die when I'm fully abandoned and disenfranchised. So excited. It'll be great. Hate it. Hate this. Hate everything. But whatever. Who cares. 

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hello, Em! I was hoping you could help me out with mailing down my type. For background, I’m in my mid-twenties and am waffling between Fi-dom and Fe-aux. I’m cautiously calling myself and enneagram 9w1, but I’m sure of being an introvert, I’ve always been quiet and need time to regroup after spending too much time out and about. I tend to be fairly practical, taking a job I strongly dislike because bills need to be paid and I’d like to finish grad school with as little debt as possible. (1)

It doesn’t stop me from looking for a job more closely related to my field, and I’ll be honest it wears on me more than I’d like to admit, but it keeps the lights on for now. I’ve always been a very sensitive person, and it doesn’t take much to make me cry, when I’m invested in something, or I must deal with conflict. My dad would list my biggest weakness as being a bit of a pushover and taking on responsibilities that were never mine to begin with.(2)

I’ve always been spotted by bosses as reliable and because of this have been the one to pick up the slack in some positions. Despite this, I struggle to blend well with my environment. I can be polite, I can be quiet, but I can’t lie. Whenever people ask, it’s hard not to come out and say what I really think. If it’s someone who knows me well, I can generally just say what’s on my mind, but at work and with friends who aren’t as close, I have to bite my tongue. (3)

I’d say I’m a creature of habit, for the most part. I moved cross country a couple years ago, so it’s still a bit hard to gauge, but changes in routine (such as suddenly switching workstations or being asked to go get drinks RIGHT NOW) throws me off. For all that, I tend to get a little low when I’m not learning something new. I’ve taken up several new hobbies and interests because of this and have learned the basics of them all quickly. (4)

Most of them have been sensory hobbies, such as baking, knitting, and crochet. They also serve another purpose, as it’s a tangible way I can show my appreciation for those around me. It irritates me a little to have people ask me to make them things, because it’s not so much the tactile sensation that I love, it’s being able to keep those I care about warm and fed. If there’s anything else you need, I can fill this out more, and thank you so much! (5)

---

Hi anon! This definitely sounds ISFJ to me. 9w1 also sounds reasonable:

Difficulty with conflict is definitely a 9 thing and so ISFPs who are 9s experience it, but it's very common with ISFJs. The taking on of responsibilities is both very Fe and Si, and aux-Fe users do have a bit of a reputation for being something of a pushover. The part about struggling to change routine is also extremely true to Si, as is the practicality.

Sensitivity is imo not super tied to any one function - I think feelers tend to be more outwardly emotional in general than thinkers but I've known very emotional FJs and FPs. I also think that difficulty lying is more a personal thing than tied specifically to MBTI.

As for learning new things - hobbies tend to be a place where people can explore their lower functions safely! I suspect taking on sensory hobbies (within your comfort zone) but in doing so, learning something new and developing a new internal and systemic understanding (Ne and Ti) is what appeals to you.

[troblsomtwins829]

This is mostly a reminder to myself, but also a PSA for anyone who needs it:

It's good to listen to your body when you start feeling off. Sometimes it isn't obvious what you need, and it's hard to pay attention, but there is so much benefit to being able to translate the random chemical signals your brain is sending you into actual tangible needs.

You don't always feel hungry when you need to eat.

You don't always feel tired when you need to sleep.

Sometimes you want salt when you need sugar.

Sometimes you want sugar when you need water.

And sometimes, like the case with me today, you feel trapped when you need human contact.

I was feeling really prickly all day at work and then finally I stopped and went "Okay, brain. wtf do you actually need right now?" My skin felt tight and loose and ragged; and my brain was telling me to get away be alone until the feeling passed, but I already knew that wasn't going to work, because I'd been alone most of the day and it only compounded the issue.

So I'm like...okay, what are my basic needs that haven't been met?

Food? Check. Water? Check. Sleep? Lacking, but that was my own fault. Human contact? I saw my friend the other day.

"Yeah, but did you hug?"

And then it clicked.

I'd spent the entire day yesterday being prickly and lonely and wrapped in a blanket burrito because I wanted to be hugged by a human, and my brain did not want my furbabies for some reason. So I'm starting to think about what I need to do to make this happen, to meet this basic need and my coworkers start entering the room. One of them, I'm actually pretty good friends with!

So you know what I did?

I walked right up to them and asked "Coworker, can I have a hug?"

It was the best damn hug.

[luesmainblog]

Y'know.... I love fat positivity, I do, but there's one thing that really, really bothers me about it. Y'all need to stop acting like the ONLY reasons to not want to gain weight are social, and that if it weren't for people treating fat folks worse, nobody would ever worry about their weight. That simply isn't true. I've been slowly gaining weight over the last few years, with depression and a lack of nutritional control making it very difficult to get up and work it off. I don't especially care what other people think about it, because I rarely see other people to begin with, and people have never been especially kind to me unless I put in a week's worth of effort to my appearance. You wanna know why i don't want to be fat? Why i wanna lose the weight? 1. Buying new clothes is fucking expensive. Let's imagine, for the sake of argument, that all the cute stuff I like WASN'T religated to skinny people. That still wouldn't change the fact that I have clothes RIGHT NOW, that I love, that I'm not going to find a replacement for, that I cannot fit into anymore. Which means I have less options on what I can wear, especially if I wanna wear it outside. But even cheap clothes cost money. Buying an entire new wardrobe because my body just randomly decided it's gonna get bigger now SUCKS. there is no getting around that; i didn't like doing it when i was a growing lass in school, and i don't like doing it now as an adult who is supposed to be done growing. 2. My Spine. I am pretty much destined to have back problems, something i've already begun to develop at the ripe old age of 25. My natural resting position is a clouch, I curl up like an unborn baby when I sleep, and my tits have the combined weight of a frozen turkey. I do not need even MORE extra weight on my spine. And no, having an unhealthy spine wouldn't make me Less Valuable as a person, it's not some terrible fate that removes my life of happiness, you don't HAVE to be healthy, but it's still an uncomfortable thing i would very much like to AVOID. 3. It's making it harder to sleep. Listen. I have insomnia already as it is. I don't need my slowly developing double-chin to swoop in and make certain positions unbreathable and make it even fucking HARDER to sleep. I can no longer sleep in some of my comfiest poses because fat is getting in the way and making them unworkable. and yes, these are all, ultimately, minor inconveniences. But they're inconveniences that FUCKING matter to me. I'm so tired of "I wanna lose weight" being treated as some slight against all fat people and something that no normal person would ever want all on their own without magazines telling them blah blah FUCKING blah. It is a decision you can come to because becoming fat has an effect on your life. not just a social effect, not just a mental health effect, a Tangible, PHYSICAL change to how you interact with your body and with the world. I don't hate my body, aside from maybe a couple reproductive organs. but i would like it more if it would stop growing out and cooperate with me. i miss the way that it was just a few years back. i am allowed to be upset about these changes.

yes, i could choose to love my body as it is and accept the changes that come with it. but i can ALSO choose to acknowledge the reasons i'm gaining weight and try to make some changes in my life. that is not a slight against you, and it is not a slight against myself. and frankly, i'm not very comfortable with the idea that i shouldn't be making decisions on what my body looks like beyond the decorations. strikes me as a bit transphobic in nature if i'm gonna be fully honest.

[nahalism]

the quote you reblogged : That is why mysticism is the only source of virtue for humanity. Because when men do not believe that there is infinite mercy behind the curtain of the world, or when they think that this mercy is in front of the curtain, they become cruel.

Made me want to ask you: Were you or rather are you ever in states where you don’t feel and believe there’s anything more to life? That there is no energy no soul everything is accidental and there is no higher power out there, that everything is meaningless and pointless. No matter what we do or think but it’s maybe easier or even necessary to believe that there’s something more to all of it, to us? Maybe we desperately need that? Maybe it would be impossible for us to function and keep sanity? Or are you unshaken in your beliefs, maybe life proved it to be true enough that you never get those nihilistic waves of everything means nothing

heyy. love the question, quick disclaimer :: ultimately, each person is entitled to their own beliefs. i believe what i believe, and allow others to do the same. also, re: the quotation, i think theres a differentiation between mythology and theology. its less directed toward the existence of a god, and rather pertains to the idea that a world/morality beyond that of the physical tangible realm is at play. if infinite mercy can be extended to people despite their past transgressions, in that, a person can make a mistake, but redeem themselves through their consequent deeds, it alludes to some higher goal to strive for than the base or hedonistic goals that otherwise drive us forward. if people didnt believe they could be better, or make good despite their past actions, being a better person, choosing to evolve, or choosing to self correct, would not only cease to be appealing but cease to be necessary. the fact we believe we can be better, should be better, and that the choice to be better leads to better, is what keeps the balance of good and bad in balance, and what keeps humanity from slipping into complete debauchery.

as for me, i was raised catholic & i didnt relate or buy into what they were teaching me at church. anytime i had a question the answers seemed completely far fetched and unbelievable, and i felt like people were more concerned with the idea of salvation, or the need to believe in something to feel there was an overarching purpose to life, than they were with what i understood to be the core principles of the religion. even the term religion rubbed me up the wrong way because i felt like, isnt it just a personal belief/conviction/way of life, opposed to a faction or group to 'belong' to. people spoke a good game but the enactment of what they spoke about left me wanting.

fast forward. beginning to ask those questions around age 7/8 was the start of my spiritual journey even though i wasnt aware of it at the time. by 10/11 i stopped going to church & was calling myself an atheist or agnostic depending on what my mood was on the day. not because i didnt believe or feel there was something out there, but because it didnt align with any religious views i was privy to at the time. then at 12 i experienced a traumatic incident, and as i started to spend more time alone i was shown certain things and would have very particular experiences / feel the voice of some force out in nature or speaking to me through my conscience. and when that happened i felt (not from the teachings or reasoning of anyone but myself) that that force and feeling i was encountering was my true understanding of god or this thing i knew existed but wasnt entirely sure about how it existed. that pervading presence, its voice and the way its guided me is the only reason i believe in a higher, supreme power.

thats when i began to study life thru the humanities and in doing so form my opinions and ideas on what i believe regarding my views on the world & spirituality. i studied through the lens of the bible, the qu'aran, hindu teachings, buddhist teachings, syncretism, kemetic texts and teachings, new age spirituality, gnosticism & even science. i feel as though all of them have appealed to me and allowed me to grow in knowledge and understanding & that whilst they use different language to explain themselves, they all point toward and explain one truth. however beyond that the point still stands that i just believe. — ive had experiences i cant doubt, and feelings i cant doubt, not that i havent doubted them, or questioned, but each time i did it only confirmed my initial belief and made me believe more strongly. and so yeah, without that fundamental belief, all of it would just be a beautiful story. i could read every text, but if i didnt believe in what i was reading it would be no more than a harry potter type situation. i couldnt be swayed into pretending i believed, not for the idea of heaven, a promised land, or eternal salvation. thats not what i get out of this. my relationship w god saved my life and it keeps rebirthing me, educating me, & moulding me, and in doing so brings new meaning to things id previously read & doubted/didn't understand (think the concept of ressurection). anyway

i know people are religious and believe in god (whatever term or label u wanna give that force) for a variety of reasons. i cant speak for them, because im sure many people do believe for the reasons u stated. my reasons are simply that i feel and believe there is a higher, supreme, overarching force, that is the matrix of the spirit that permeates every living thing. i think theres a design to the world, one too specific to be down to chance. i think life is eternal and that there is a point to the experiences and growth or lack of that we experience in this life. that generationally it has significance and that it will one day account for something bigger than what we can see or comprehend right now. and i feel that when i look into the spirit of another being whether its human animal a tree or fire/water etc, that we all share the same force that ignites and powers our beings. & those are a just a few of the reasons why i believe

<3 hope this answers for u. sending my love

[inherpower]

Searching

I have a tendency to be impulsive. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to admit that but it’s true. Often my impulsivity is born out of a prolonged suppression. Self imposed. I keep myself from doing what is right for me or stop myself from speaking up for so long that I end up exploding. Yeah, not always the best move. But as I was looking at my website and noticing that I had deleted many of my previous posts, which were all spiritually based, I wondered what was at the core of that impulsive action.

I have spent the better part of my life doing what I thought was the “right” thing to do. Combine that with a side of people pleasing and my life felt less like me own and more like what I thought people wanted from me. I never took the time to investigate for myself what I wanted and then actually do or be that. I remember the day that I deleted my earlier posts. At the time I felt as though I was embarking on a new aspect of my spiritual journey. I was embracing Christianity and doing it with such fervor that it shocked ME. It felt as though this was necessary. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it but I knew that I needed to follow this thread.

I went to church weekly, I read the Bible daily, prayed multiple times a day and even got rid of some of my spiritual trinkets. I had even gone to catholic mass twice bought two rosaries, learned the Hail Mary prayer till I could do it almost by heart and considered becoming a full fledged catholic. You’re girl was GONE!

In all the years of my life I have learned that following the guidance of God/Spirit is essential. That’s not to say that I always do. There have been plenty of times, more than I can count, where I not only didn’t follow God’s advice, I ignored it all together. However, since 2020 my relationship with the Divine was becoming more palpable. I wasn’t just talking at God, I began to listen.

That listening meant a complete upheaval to my life in so many different ways. Each moment I felt ripped out of my comfort zone and continually placed in the unknown. I remember saying sometime around 2020 that

"I'm learning to be comfortable in uncomfortability."

Listen, if you don’t want God to take you up on what you say, learn to guard your words. I can’t say that I was uncomfortable in church but it certainly was an unknown. Though the familiarity was thick and wrapped itself around me like a glove around me I couldn’t understand the reason for this detour.

No matter what the reason I was dutiful and did what God told me to do. Now that I’m coming down from my Jesus high I believe that I have a clear understanding of what God was doing. First, and this is more my personal revelation, I had to mend some generational wounds. I’ll get to that in another post. Second, as a spiritual wellness coach who uplifts and caters to the black community, I have to be able to understand the full scope of what lives within many of the people that I work with. Many of my clients are black women around the ages of 30 to 50 and are seeking something else, something that they can resonate with in a more tangible way. Some still go to church but feel that they need a spiritual supplement, others left the church all together and want to expand their spiritual horizons.

In either case, being in church and being in mass (though not for as long as my clients) enables me to meet them where they’re at and use language that they understand and feel most comfortable with. I won’t get into a whole discussion about the declining attendance of black folks in church. There are plenty of blogs and videos from people who have way more knowledge about that topic. What I can say is that we as a people, black people, are waking up to something much larger than church. And as folks are waking up they’re searching for truth. They’re searching for themselves.

Being able to help people who stand at a spiritual crossroads is an assignment that I gladly take on. This work, this life is not easy and we need all the tools and community support that we can get.

[angelbluediary]

Today will be my sixth day of work; I have two days off starting tomorrow 💗

Z is flying down next month! In a crazy twist, he booked the Airbnb hosted by my former employers (and yes I truly believe it was coincidental, given how many times I’ve mentioned the exact street as being the main attraction down here and their place being the prime, if not only?, rental). Hopefully I won’t even need to change anything in the schedule, since he’ll be down from Friday night to Monday evening.

He’s shell-shocked by all the crazy twists of fate leading to us meeting whereas I’m more amused, and curious to see how it all plays out. I still don’t “feel” this is The One (which might not be fair to say before we’ve officially met and spent time together) but even so, that’s no reason to close the door on a promising connection.

I’ve received so many signs over the years that my fixed vision of who I end up with is for a reason and to help me know when I’ve found them. Too many of the same recurring details of this person’s personality and our energy together. It can’t be for nothing, and I can’t so easily let it go.

But again—I’m getting way ahead of myself. I just want to live in the present moment and enjoy what I have now and who I know.

My body is still extremely sore, it weighs down my limbs and makes my joints stiff. I keep reminding myself that I’m not going to be permanently disabled from a week or even months/a year or two? of this job. It’s just temporary. My body is also having a hard time adjusting since it’s used to laying in bed all day, which isn’t healthy either.

Face is washed, laundry was done yesterday. Just need to make lunch in an hour and get ready in the meantime for my 3-11. Should be another slow day, even slower on a Monday—I’ll need to bring a notebook to occupy my time (and stop wasting our scrap paper at the desk). I’ll do a better job of eavesdropping on conversations and recording the actions and behaviors of the people around me. There is a tangible difference in the way wealthy people hold themselves; I’ll milk every detail.

I will also occasionally check local job listings (just in case) and continue to revise my savings plan as my paychecks start coming in. Had this thought yesterday of, even if I get the apartment, so what? What then? Will it be enough to make me happy for the time being? I don’t want to spend so much of the money I’m working hard to secure and then immediately regret it. There are lots of things I can be grateful for now—free meals and utilities/rent and access to material resources.

At the same time, I’ve never stopped wanting and needing more space for myself. Ginger needs more space. I’ll sleep better in my own bed, taking up a whole bed, no longer placed a few feet from the litter box. I’ll be reunited with all my belongings. If I need air pumped into my tires I can still just drive over to my parents’ and eat dinner with them when I can. Too bad that $800 apartment is gone and replaced by the cheapest option of $1,200. It has 2 bad ratings concerning the property manager’s rudeness, too—but the place looks good, there are no upstairs or downstairs neighbors, and the only other option is almost $1,500.

Once I move out, I’ll virtually be living paycheck to paycheck so I need a really sturdy foundation first. And streams of other income would be nice to lock down, too! Maybe I’ll write the erotica books I’ve been thinking about on the torturously slow days.